Chapter Text
Alternatively; In Which Renko is Out of Touch, and Merry is Out of Time.
-
Lovers seek for privacy. Friends find this solitude about them, this barrier between them and the herd, whether they want it or not.
- C. S. Lewis
-
Finals were less than a week away, and there was a strange energy in the air around campus. Even someone like Maribel could hear it in the conversations of others, could see the library filled with sleep-deprived students studying. Panic for some, confidence for others, but all shared in the feeling of the end swiftly approaching, carrying them all along like a river.
Her own routine hadn’t changed much. She was certain she was reasonably prepared for her own tests, the final ones she’d be taking before graduation. She’d put the effort in, but she hadn’t felt the need to push herself to the breaking point. It had never been academics that she’d struggled with; she wasn’t some exceptional prodigy (unlike a particular someone) but she wasn’t a poor student by any means.
Scanning through her phone’s planning app, she had already checked everything major off of her readiness list. Sure, maybe she could use some extra practice for her cold-reading exam, but she could get that done after supper.
As Merry glanced through a list of favorite quick and easy weeknight foods, her mind wandered back to that someone, the prodigy near the top of the class, her clubmate and best friend: Renko Usami. She studied a bit less than Merry did, but spent plenty of additional time on her own personal projects and research, and therefore ended up even busier.
Before exams, they’d gotten into the habit of hanging out (usually at her place) and half-studying/half-killing time together, as long as there wasn’t too much oblitagory cramming. They’d practice explaining concepts to each other, and endure the banter the other inevitably had in return.
It was something Merry missed more than she’d expected, because Renko had been mostly missing for the past week. That wasn’t too abnormal for Renko, sometimes she’d be visiting family over the weekend or something, but she usually let her know in advance. Merry’s texts had gone unanswered until yesterday, when apropos of nothing Renko had sent her the link for a reservation to some fancy-ish restaurant for two. It wasn’t the kind of place they typically went to, but she had free time tomorrow evening and was looking forward to seeing Renko again, so she had accepted.
She did wonder what Renko had been up to, though. She’d asked around, and people hadn’t seen her recently.
Knock knock knock
Her thoughts were cut off. There were only two kinds of people who would drop by without texting ahead, and she hadn’t ordered any food. So that left only one possibility.
Merry turned on the exterior view, and was unsurprised to come face to face with Renko Usami’s grinning visage pressed up against the camera. Her white shirt and red tie were clearly freshly pressed and ironed, unusual for her.
“Hey, Earth to Merry.” Renko said into the microphone, her grin somehow widening even further. “Sorry for making you wait… You gonna let me in?”
“Honestly…” she sighed. It was a relief to see her, that she was okay, but would it have killed her to just text if she wanted to hang out?
Merry disengaged the lock and let the apartment door swing open. “Renko. Good to see you’re alive. Although I suppose I can’t rule out you being a doppelganger wearing Renko’s face. That would certainly explain what you’ve been up to this last week.”
“She says, having let the imposter in already.” Renko chuckled, stepping into the entranceway confidently. “I guess we could set up a code phrase, or something…” Her voice trailed off as she saw Merry return to her couch, pulling up a holographic screen. “What’s up?”
“Huh?” Merry asked, looking over the top of the screen to meet Renko’s gaze. “I was just thinking about what to cook for supper.” A long pause followed, and she coughed to dispel it. “Are you just here to hang out, or do you want to help get food around?”
“We were going to go out tonight... Right? I thought I sent you the reservation, didn’t I?” Renko said, looking a bit concerned.
Merry swiped away her notes to see her planner.
Meet Renko for dinner - 6:00 P.M. Attached was the reservation- clearly for tonight, not tomorrow.
“Huh.” she replied tonelessly. That didn’t make sense. She’d just been looking at that, she could have sworn it read differently a few minutes ago. She wasn’t that out of it, was she?
“...Is this not a good time?” Renko asked, a slight hesitation creeping into her voice. “I did give you pretty short notice, and you’re probably pretty busy studying. I can cancel it.”
Merry closed the screen with a slightly more vicious gesture than usual. She wasn’t angry at Renko, or being interrupted. If anything, she was angry at herself (an all too familiar feeling).
“Nothing important. I’d love to go-” Renko’s face lit up as she said it. “-but I need to get ready.” She gestured apologetically at her t-shirt and sweatpants. “Five minutes?”
“Ten minutes.” Renko nodded.
“You don’t think I can do it in five?” Merry called, already shutting her bedroom door behind her.
“Not what I meant, but you already knew that!” Renko said, just loud enough for Merry to hear her clearly. “I got the reservation for 6:30 just in case I was late!”
A snort of laughter echoed from the bedroom. “Renko Usami? Showing up on time, for once? Now I know you’re a doppelganger for sure.”
“Haha, very funny.” Renko groused.
“You had me worried about you, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Sorry. I must have just forgot to text you back. My bad.”
“So you didn’t leave campus?” Merry asked.
“No?” Renko responded cautiously. “Why would I?”
The bedroom door burst open, and Renko caught a glimpse of a swirl of purple and lace before the bathroom door slammed closed in its wake.
“I talked with your advanced calc professor this week.” She continued, while brushing out her hair just enough to tame the more unruly curls. “Just wondering if anyone’s seen you at class.”
“Well, I was there.” Renko said, sounding a bit annoyed. “I think.”
Merry snorted in laughter before wondering if that was meant to be a joke. “Huh. That’s funny, he said you’ve been absent.”
“...Really?” Renko sounded genuinely bewildered.
“Yeah, it isn’t like you to skip class. Maybe you were just so dead-tired that you dreamed you were there, or something.”
“...That’s more your kind of deal, Merry.” Renko chuckled.
“True.” She couldn’t argue with that. “But I don’t think I’ve ever attended class in a dream before.”
Merry stepped out of the bathroom, in a typical (for her) purple dress. It had taken her just over six minutes, Renko confirmed with a glance out the window at the twilight sky.
She paused in her steps, looking over at Renko. “Seriously, though. Are you doing okay?” Upon further inspection, her friend looked a bit worn down. Merry could see bags under her eyes, which certainly fit with forgetting to sleep because of obsessive research. “You look tired.”
“I am, a little bit.” Renko shrugged. “It’s almost time for finals.”
For almost anyone else, she’d take that at face value. But this was Renko. “And you probably stayed up too late trying to solve some old dead guy’s final problem he left behind to mock the world. Am I right?” Merry teased.
“Something like that… I think.” Renko shrugged. “I don’t really remember exactly.”
Well, that tracked. Merry was willing to leave it at that. “You won’t get any bonus points for solving those, you know. Even if you show your work.”
“I know. I’ll get more sleep after I finish exams.” Renko shrugged her off, in her typical stubbornness when something caught her fancy..
“Alright, if you say so.” Merry said. “Shall we go, then?”
Renko smiled. “Let’s.”
-
The fondue restaurant was a good distance away from campus, in the uptown region. It was built into the basement of what looked like an old building remodeled enough times to invoke the ship of Theseus, the sign out front reading ‘The Melting Pot’. Checking her phone, Merry saw it was 6:28 - they had managed to make it on time.
Descending the uncomfortably steep and narrow stairs was a bit like entering another world, one of dim lighting and red satin curtains. It was only a bit like that because Merry had been to other worlds before, but she couldn’t deny the sense of atmosphere the place had. She could hear the laughter and conversation around them, and the clink of silverware on tableware. Old-fashioned metal hat and coat racks greeted them, and they used them for their intended purpose of stowing headgear.
“What name is your reservation under?” a black-clad waitress asked, stepping out from behind her podium, menus tucked beneath her arm.
Actual physical menus and human waiters. This place truly commits to the bit.
“Usami.” Renko replied.
“Party of two… Yes, everything looks to be in order. Follow me, please.” she requested. They did so.
“What do you think?” Renko asked quietly, as they passed by leather-upholstered booths.
“It’s definitely… different.” Merry decided. It wasn’t bad, but it felt out of place compared to the cafes and fast food places they usually frequented. “But it feels a bit like this atmosphere’s wasted on melted artificial cheese.”
“Gourmet artificial cheese! Yeah, it’s definitely foreign style, but I think this kind of thing’s nice now and again.” Renko shot her another of those thousand-watt grins as she spoke. “Right?”
She seemed in higher spirits now that they had gotten here. That was good, this was how Renko should be. But Merry couldn’t find the right words to say that without sounding cheesy, so she nodded with a smile.
Renko (thankfully) accepted that reply, and they continued down the hallway to their booth. It was recessed into the wall, bordered by curtains that provided a fair amount of privacy for couples on dates. It wasn’t the usual kind of outing for the Hifuu club, but she agreed that a place like this was nice to try out.
“Someone will be with you shortly.” The waitress handed them their menus, bowing out and leaving the two to take their seats.
As Merry opened her menu, she looked back up at Renko and voiced a concern that had been growing since she had first heard of where they were going. “Isn’t this place pretty expensive?”
“A bit, yeah.” Renko shrugged. “I’m paying, don’t worry about it.”
Those words didn’t dissuade her. “If it’s that much, shouldn’t we split the bill?”
“That’s nice of you to offer, but I just wanted to make it a gift, Merry.” Renko was serious now, sitting up straight and looking stern. “We’re partners, what’s wrong with that?”
There wasn’t anything. Merry knew that. But she still couldn’t shake the feeling that this didn’t feel fair.
The waitress returned, carrying a large plastic fountain in both hands. She set it down atop the table, switching it on. Liquid cheese began to flow from the top of the fountain, falling over the sides and down into the basin below. She set a box of skewers next to it, and then took up her notepad. “What will you have for the first course?”
Merry looked down and realized she hadn’t even read the menu yet. Desperately, she gave Renko a ‘please fix this’ look.
“We’ll try the meat sampler platter.” Renko decided.
The waitress nodded, departing.
A deep silence fell over the private booth. Merry leaned back in her seat, thinking. She didn’t want to keep arguing with Renko, but now she felt at a loss about what to say.
“Hey, Renko-” “You know-” She spoke at the same moment that Renko did.
The two froze, before bursting into laughter as the tension snapped. “You go first.” Merry offered.
“Right, thanks.” Renko accepted. “I was gonna say that I’ve been to a fondue place before, actually.”
“Oh?” Merry said, careful to keep her face neutral. “Who’d you go with?”
“My dad took me to celebrate my high school graduation.” Renko said, her expression becoming curious. “You look really surprised.”
“N-no reason…” Merry said, instantly regretting her assumptions. She had thought fondue places were typically date places, and wondered who Renko would even have gone out with.
“Someone at school told me this was here, so I thought it’d be fun to try together. Have you been to a place like this before, Merry?”
“No, I haven’t.” she admitted. “Who told you about it, actually?”
“Leo- he’s a psych major too, you know him?”
Merry recalled a slim boy with close-cropped hair and disinterested eyes. “I’ve seen him around a few times, yeah.” She wouldn’t have remembered his name if Renko hadn’t mentioned it.
“He’s pretty smart, always has his nose stuck in a book. I think you two’d get on well.” Renko said with a casualness that failed to match Merry’s uncertain expression.
Thankfully for her, their meat platter arrived, providing a fortuitous excuse for a distraction. Renko eagerly began loading her skewer with a mixture of beef and chicken, while Merry inspected the spread more carefully before deciding on a piece of grilled lamb.
“See, Merry?” Renko gestured as she thrust the loaded skewer into the cheese fountain. “Get it nice and coated.” She rotated it in time with her words, before placing the skewer on her plate, a puddle of excess cheese quickly forming beneath it.
“Glad to see you haven’t lost any of your expertise, then.” Merry said as she repeated the actions mechanically, glad to have something else to focus her mind on. She removed the skewer a little too quickly, letting some cheese drip on the tablecloth, before setting it on her plate and reaching for her napkin.
She would have been embarrassed as she wiped up the spill if it wasn’t for the distraction of Renko taking on the challenge of eating as many pieces of meat in a single bite as possible, her face lighting up as she did so. “Ish ghood!”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Merry sighed, cutting loose a chunk of lamb and lifting it to her mouth. She had to agree with the taste assessment, though. The cheese was creamy with just a hint of spice- she wasn’t sure what kind it was, being a novice in the culinary arts. The lamb had just enough texture to it, and the slightly smoky flavor complemented the cheese perfectly; clearly high-quality lab-grown stuff.
Merry didn’t want to think about how much this cost… but it was a special occasion anyway, and she wasn’t planning on eating too much. Renko showed no such restraint, having already finished half her skewer with her typical voraciousness.
“This is a multi-course meal, right?” Merry said, more to remind Renko to pace herself than anything.
“Yeah…” Renko said between bites. “I know. But the meat’s so good I just want to finish it off, you know?”
Merry didn’t, but she nodded in agreement anyway. As they settled into a routine of chewing, her thoughts drifted back to Renko’s words from before. ‘I think you two’d get along well.’ Obviously, Renko was just suggesting a few other people who could be friends, she said that kind of thing from time to time. It was frustrating though, just how easily Renko seemed to get people to open up to her.
Merry didn’t really have any friends besides Renko. People knew of her, she had a few acquaintances… but no one she could really share things with. Transferring to Kyoto hadn’t helped either.
But it didn’t matter. As long as she had Renko, she didn’t need anyone else.
Renko seemed to have finally managed to overcome her meat cravings, setting her bare skewer down with a clack. “Merry, look!” she said, pointing to the excess cheese smeared across her plate. “They already thought of this, watch.” Reaching to the wicker bread basket, she took a hunk of French bread, using it to mop up the sauce before popping it into her mouth.
“Incredible. What will they think of next?” Merry said, half-serious. She still hadn’t finished her lamb, having been lost in thought.
“I dunno, Merry. Hundreds of years of fondue culture have led us to this moment, to this summit of development and performance.” Renko continued the bit, laying it on awfully thick.
“So you, the expert, claim that fondue has peaked?”
“Hard to imagine it getting much better than this.” Renko popped the last chunk of beef into her mouth.
Merry busied herself with finishing the lamb, glad that the chewy texture of the meat gave her an excuse to not speak.
“I’m feeling a bit thirsty. You want something to drink too?” Renko asked, unprompted.
“No?” Merry said. She set down her utensils and tried to relax, to take in the atmosphere. It didn’t seem to help the feeling that something was out of place.
“Okay, if you’re sure.” Renko didn’t seem that sure herself. “They’ve got Italian sodas, I was thinking to try one.”
“Sounds great.” Merry mumbled, closing her eyes. What was wrong with her today? It felt like every little thing was needling her. She wanted to enjoy the meal, but it felt like she just wasn’t doing it right.
Maybe she was on edge because finals were coming up. That had to be it. And also, graduation after that. Merry wondered if her parents would bother attending. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Renko staring.
She wanted to ask Renko why they had come here, of all places. Neither of them were really interested in overpriced romantic gestures. Something like an allegedly haunted warehouse would excite Renko far more than the most expensive food would.
“Hey, Merry…” Renko seemed almost cautious now, reopening her menu. “What do you want for dessert? This chocolate fondue with mixed fruits looks good.”
Merry squinted at the pictures, which showed another fountain, this one overflowing with chocolate. “Sure, sounds nice.” she said, with barely a conscious thought.
Renko frowned. “Merry, are you feeling okay?”
Apparently her reply had been too listless. “I’m fine.” she said, with a bit more vitriol than she had intended, instantly regretting it. She wasn’t really that mad, there wasn’t any big reason for it. But something still felt wrong.
Renko took a breath, getting ready to speak-
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Merry struggled for her phone, looking at it in frustration.
7:30
LAB FINAL - 7:45 P.M.
“I’m late for my final lab.” she said, almost in disbelief as frustration boiled up in her chest. What is going on with this hunk of junk? First the reservation and now this, a damn notepad would be better at this point!
Renko lowered her hand slowly. “You’ve… gotta go?”
“It’s ten percent of my final grade…” Merry muttered, gathering her things rapidly as she slid out of the booth, cursing in English under her breath. She stopped and looked back to Renko. “I’m so sorry, I know you were looking forward to-”
“No, I get it. Just go.” Renko said. “I’ll save you some dessert for later, okay?” A ghost of her usual smile came to her face.
Merry nodded, briskly turning to walk to the front of the restaurant. This whole thing had crashed and burned, but at least she could probably finish her lab on time. She’d just have to find some way to make this up to Renko later.
She pushed the door open, heard the bell jingle, and
And
And
-
-and red satin curtains. She could hear the sounds of laughter and conversation around them, and the clink of silverware on tableware.
Merry blinked. Twice. This wasn’t right, was it? She’d just left here, hadn’t she? The world continued to swirl around her, her head was swimming as it pulsed in a rhythm out of phase.
“What name is your reservation under?” a distant voice echoed.
“Usami.” Renko replied, startling Merry. She just now realized that she wasn’t alone. The two of them were entering the restaurant. Again. That’s what this was. The feeling of unbelonging.
“Party of two… Yes, everything looks to be in order. Follow me, please.” the waitress requested. They did so- Renko walking forward eagerly, Merry still in a daze. This wasn’t right. She pulled her phone from her pocket, seeing the time was exactly 6:30.
“What do you think?” Renko asked her quietly, as they passed leather-upholstered booths.
“Huh?” Merry raised her head with a jerk, fumbling to put her phone away. “The place?” she offered lamely, still trying to overcome this feeling of detachment. “It’s nice, I guess.”
“Yeah, it’s definitely foreign style, but I think this kind of thing’s nice now and again.” Renko shot her another of those thousand-watt grins as she spoke. “Right?”
Merry, lost in thought, tore herself back to reality just enough to nod and smile.
Renko (thankfully) accepted that reply, and they continued down the hallway to their booth. It was recessed into the wall, bordered by curtains that provided a fair amount of privacy.
“Someone will be with you shortly.” The waitress said, bowing out and leaving the two to take their seats.
Merry glanced around as she gingerly sat down, checking her phone’s clock again. 6:33.
“Hey, Merry, are you feeling okay?” Renko asked, having obviously noticed her acting differently.
“I’m fine…” Merry replied, tearing her eyes away from her phone. I remember doing all this before, really clearly. What’s even happening? Maybe I’m seeing a premonition, or having some kind of dream? Or is this some strange effect of a boundary? She looked at Renko’s face, seeing slight concern there. She doesn’t realize it, does she? If she did, she’d be over the moon right now with excitement…
“Do you want me to choose the order?” Renko asked.
“Huh?” Merry was startled out of her reverie.
“You haven’t looked at your menu yet.”
“O-oh.”
As she unfolded it, the waitress returned, carrying a large plastic fountain in both hands. She set it down atop the table, switching it on. Liquid cheese began to flow from the top of the fountain, falling over the sides and down into the basin below. She set a box of skewers next to it, and then took up her notepad. “What will you have for the first course?” she asked.
Merry raised her head from the menu, recalling the previous order.
“Uh, how about the meat sampler platter?” she offered before Renko could open her mouth.
The waitress nodded, departing.
“Oh, that does sound pretty good.” Renko nodded, reading the description on the menu. “Did you come here before or something?” she joked.
“I... looked up the menu on my phone.” Merry lied. “That’s what I was doing earlier.”
“Hey, nice!” Renko grinned. “So this means I get to pick dessert, right?”
Merry nodded in agreement, leaning back into her seat. I don’t feel as strange anymore. That’s good, at least. But why is this happening? I didn’t see any boundaries here, but I wasn’t really looking. A quick glance around the restaurant didn’t reveal anything.
“Hey, Renko.” She said.
“Hmm?”
“Thanks for taking me here.” Merry said, instead of ‘Did you notice anything strange just now?’ “It seems like a pretty nice place.”
“You’re welcome!” Renko cheered. “I don’t know what the food’s like though, but if it’s anything like the fondue place I went to before, it should be pretty good.”
“That was when you were celebrating with your dad, right?” Merry asked, grateful to take the opportunity to distract herself with small talk.
“Oh, yeah. Did I tell you about that a while back or something?” Renko cupped her hands, looking wistful.
Merry stiffened. Oh, right… I shouldn’t know that yet. “I think you said something about that last year? I might be misremembering.”
Renko hmmed noncommittally, still glancing up in (what Merry recognized as) an attempt to recall something. “Maybe? I might have, I dunno.”
Thankfully for both of them, their meat platter arrived, providing a fortuitous distraction. Renko eagerly began loading her skewer with a mixture of beef and chicken like before. Merry felt torn between picking the lamb she had enjoyed before and trying something different, and decided to split the difference between lamb and chicken.
“See, Merry?” Renko gestured as she thrust the loaded skewer into the cheese fountain. “Get it nice and coated.”
“I see.” Merry said, repeating her previous actions. She was slightly more careful this time to let the excess cheese drip off, and avoided splashing the tablecloth. It was good, although she slightly preferred the lamb to the chicken.
I should say something. But I’m not that sure what actually happened… I felt strange the first time, then everything seemed to snap back to when we entered. Things aren’t happening like they did before.
“What’re you thinking about, Merry?” Renko said, noticing the distracted look in her eyes.
Merry glanced up, realizing how this must seem to her long-time friend, familiar with her power’s ocassional side effects. “...It feels like I’m trapped.” Renko was listening attentively, so she continued. “Stuck in a rut. Like the same things keep happening over and over again.”
“...Well, I think everyone feels like that sometimes…” Renko’s voice trailed off as she saw the distress on her face and realized Merry wasn’t speaking figuratively. “Wait. Merry, are you having an attack? Should we go-”
“No!” Merry pushed Renko’s hand away, a nameless fear gripping her. She felt the prickling of other eyes on her, her raised voice drawing a few looks from the other diners.
She closed her eyes and remembered those words.
“Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.
It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart.”
It was almost like magic how her heartbeat began to slow. Just like her father said it would, way back then.
“I don’t see any abnormal boundaries.” Merry said, slowly opening her eyes again. “I don’t know how it’s happening or why. But I- I remember being here before.”
Renko looked back at her, lips pursed.
Merry felt herself sinking into the seat, feeling frustration bubble up. She was ruining dinner, and the primary suspect was her own weird, freaky eyes.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The sudden interruption of noise made them both jump. Merry already knew what her phone said, she silenced the alarm without looking.
“...Time feels like it’s repeating?” Renko slowly asked, a serious expression on her face. She believed her, just like that.
Merry couldn’t speak. She nodded affirmatively.
“When you meet me again-” Those words, when and again, how they made her heart rise… “-Tell me. Remember how we talked about code phrases?”
“You’ve got one in mind?” Merry asked.
“Yeah. ‘When the game ends, both the king and the pawn are put back in the same box.’”
That was something Merry wouldn’t have ever thought of, and didn’t seem to connect at all to the current situation. But that meant it was absolutely Renko.
“O-okay.” She did her best to constrain the quiver in her voice. “You sure you’ll recognize that?”
“I’ve been waiting to use that one for a long time.” Renko said with a bit of cheer, still trying to see the best in this. “In case I got caught up in something… well, like this. I wanted to be ready. I’ve got a bunch of them, in case different things could happen…” She caught herself, realizing that attitude seemed a bit inappropriate given the situation. “Sorry this had to happen during our special dinner.”
“No, don’t be. It’s not your fault.” Merry said. What she didn’t say was that this might be hers- these kinds of things seemed to always happen to her. “I guess I can try to jog your memory next time.”
A long moment passed, both of them waiting for something to happen.
Renko broke the silence first. “I thought something would have happened by now, huh?”
Merry had been thinking the same, but she didn’t say it.
“So what happened before?” Renko questioned.
“I had to leave for my lab, and when I went through the front door, it was like everything changed in an instant.” Merry said, feeling perturbed by how the words felt to say. “I was back at the start, when we came in.”
“Hm.” Renko left her seat, and Merry followed her. “Let’s see about this.”
“Careful, Renko.” Merry cautioned, just before she could reach the door. “If it does happen again, won’t you forget everything?”
“Only one way to find out.” Renko grinned back. “Besides, you tried the door last time. What if I use it, and then I’m the one who remembers? Or what if it’s your ability reacting to-”
“Miss?” came a stern voice from behind them. The waitress was too professional to look properly angry, but her glare of disapproval made both of them wilt. “You haven’t paid for your meal.”
“Oh.” Renko said articulately. She grabbed the door handle, threw it open, and crossed the threshold.
Merry was so taken aback that it took her a moment to realize what had just happened (or rather hadn’t).
Renko turned around, now looking quite deflated. “Huh, it didn’t work…”
“Miss…” The waitress sighed, thrusting the bill to Merry. “Sign here, please.”
Not removing her gaze from the waitress, Merry reached out and grasped the door handle-
-
“What name is your reservation under?” The waitress said.
“Usami.” Renko replied, with a now familiar intonation.
“Party of two… Yes, everything looks to be in order. Follow me, please.” the waitress requested. They did so- Renko walking forward eagerly, Merry following listlessly. Everything had been stripped away again, in the blink of an eye. This wasn’t the same Renko she’d just been talking to, or the same conversation.
“What do you think?” Renko asked her.
“‘S nice. Reminds me of a place I went to before.” Merry replied without thinking.
“Really?” Renko said, interested instead of taking it as a dismissal. “What was that?”
“Uh…” She paused, unsure how to broach the subject given the place was ‘here’. “I don’t remember the name, sorry. It was a while back.”
They continued down the hallway to their booth. It was recessed into the wall, bordered by curtains that provided a fair amount of privacy.
“Someone will be with you shortly.” The waitress said, bowing out and leaving the two to take their seats.
Merry unfolded her menu, looking the now-familiar pages over and figuring she might as well order something else this time. She was getting sick of lamb and chicken.
The waitress returned, carrying a large plastic fountain in both hands. She set it down atop the table, switching it on. Liquid cheese began to flow from the top of the fountain, falling over the sides and down into the basin below. She set a box of skewers next to it, and then took up her notepad. “What will you have for the first course?” she asked.
“What looks good to you, Merry?” Renko said quietly.
Merry pursed her lips. “How about the cubed steak?” That should be something new.
“Oh hey, the sampler has beef. I’ll let you have all of it if you want.”
“Sure.” She shrugged.
“We’ll try the meat sampler platter.” Renko decided.
The waitress nodded, departing.
Some things are the same, and others are different. Merry thought, watching Renko dig into the food with gusto. When I don’t say or do something to change it, it seems like it happens just like it did before. Wonder if that proves determinism or not?
She remembered the code phrase, but wanted to try to see if she could jog Renko’s awareness first. “Renko, have you ever felt like you’ve done something before?” Merry asked.
Renko swallowed before answering. “Deja Vu? Sure, it happens every now and again. Most people feel it, allegedly. Why do you ask?”
“No, I mean literally, just now. Or at least a very accurate premonition. Like that old horror movie we watched a while back, except I’m predicting that I’ll be late to my exam instead of anyone dying.” Merry felt like she was rambling, leaning forward to speak conspiratorially.
“...Yeah, that’s pretty strange.” Renko nodded, rubbing her chin in thought. “And not your usual kind of strange, either.”
“It was really vivid, too. I remember how I couldn’t think of anything to order and you chose the sample platter.”
“Makes sense.” Renko chuckled. “This stuff is really good.”
“And then you ordered chocolate fondue with fruit for dessert.” Merry recalled, noticing Renko’s smile was taking on a different edge.
“That’s a scarily good guess.”
“It’s not a guess. I remember you picking it.”
The two locked gazes.
“If that’s the case… and this has happened before, and you explained this to me…” Renko said slowly, turning the idea over and over in her mind.
“You thought that time might be repeating somehow. You gave me a code phrase to say... ‘When the game’s over, the king and pawn get put back in the same box.’” Merry recited.
Renko’s eyes narrowed. “...Close enough. So…” She grinned, a bit sheepishly. “Looks like this is another case for the Club to handle!”
“It seems so.” Merry said, leaning back in a mixture between relief and triumph. It worked. Now they were getting somewhere.
“See any boundaries around?” Renko said, reaching to pull her hat brim down to dramatically hide her eyes before remembering she wasn’t wearing it. “Maybe they’re messing with everyone else’s memories, or just your perception of time.”
“I didn’t see any abnormal ones.” Merry shrugged. “Still don’t. Are you sure you don’t feel anything strange?”
“Nope, I feel normal.” Renko said. “Well, I’m not too surprised that it’s you who noticed, though.”
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” Merry quipped while knowing quite well why.
The two chuckled together. Yeah, this feels better. Just knowing you aren’t alone… Good thing Renko’s so prepared for this sort of thing.
“So why do you think this is happening, then?” Merry asked.
“Your eyes are pretty special, Merry…” Renko sighed. “It could be a lot of different things, I guess. Angered any magicians lately?”
“Of course not.”
“None that you remember, anyway.” Merry’s glare made Renko stop chuckling. “Joking, joking. Seriously though, I don’t think it’s just psychological... you remember ‘last time’ too clearly, even considering your powers.”
“What about time travel?” Merry suggested. “That’s what it felt like to me, I left the restaurant and found myself right back inside.”
“Time travel’s a whole other story, though…” Renko sighed. “It’d be easier to say memory tampering or illusions or boundaries are involved than time travel.”
“Why do you say that? You’re the physics major, Renko, isn’t that your field?”
“This is all science fiction, really, but taking the concept of time dilation…” Renko gestured briefly before letting her hands fall. “...To simplify things a whole lot, you could go into the future by moving close to the speed of light. But going back in time is a lot harder. We don’t really have a good model of how that’d even be possible.”
“And here I thought physics had already solved all the big problems by now.” Merry teased.
“Time travel isn’t considered a physics problem because no ‘real’ scientist believes it’s practical to begin with.” Renko shrugged. “Traveling at those speeds would take an impossible amount of energy-” Her eyes lit up as she said it. “But, your powers already defy conservation of mass…”
“Are we really doing this bit again?” Merry huffed. “How many times do I need to tell you, dreams are the same thing as reality. I’m just bringing things from one to the other. The only thing I’m violating is distance, not the conversion of mass.”
“See, you say that, but it doesn’t make that any less impossible. Unless borrowing matter and energy from an alternative universe ends up being the secret answer. If you could do that, then maybe the power requirements could be brute-forced, and-”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Merry noticed out of the corner of her eye how Renko had frozen in mid-sentence. “What’s that for?”
“I’m late for lab, allegedly.” Merry groaned, this time not even surprised at her planner’s alarm going off. “It happened last time, too...”
“Wait. What do you mean? What made things seem to start over?” Renko said
“When I tried to leave…”
“Hmm.” Renko said, rubbing her chin. “It happened more than once?”
“Twice, now.” Merry said. “You used the door before, and nothing happened. Things only went back when I tried to leave.”
“Or, it could be tied to a specific moment in time.” Renko mused. “Your alarm went off, you tried to leave. Maybe leaving just happened around the same time. Correlation, not causation.”
“I don’t know.” Merry said, a bit frustrated. “Does it really matter? I’m still stuck either way.”
“It’s not just you, remember?” Renko teased slightly. “We’ll see if we can’t get to the bottom of this mystery, no matter how long it takes. Or how long it doesn’t take, depending on which perspective.”
“So, what should we try first? Do we just wait here and see if it’s a specific moment in time that triggers the shift, then?”
“That seems like a good place to start. How long was it from the alarm to you opening the door?”
“It wasn’t too long. Couldn’t be more than five minutes.” Merry said. She didn’t have the best sense of time to begin with, and this situation wasn’t helping.
“Alright. Then, let’s give it fifteen or twenty just to make sure.” Renko decided.
“Do you want to get dessert while we wait?” She asked.
“Nah, it’s fine.” Renko shrugged it off. “I’m more interested in figuring out what’s going on.”
Even though she still had no idea what was happening or why, she wasn’t alone. And that made Merry happy.
There were many more things she wanted to say, but… “Thank you, Renko.” For now, this was all she could manage.
Renko grinned. “Of course. So, let’s write this down.” Unfolding her napkin and pulling a pen out of her purse, she began to number a list. “No assumptions are too foolish. What processes could be causing this?”
“Well, we already know my eyes can see through time.” Merry pointed out. “This could be like that again.”
“True. But that was seeing into the past, not into a possible future. Unless we’re already in the future and you’re just looking back at the past...”
“That’s going too deep into assumption, Renko.”
“Eh, I’ll write it down for now. Now, the next idea. You’re just having another dream.”
“I guess. But that seems a bit boring, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe. But given what you’ve talked about before, it seems fairly likely, no?”
“Everything feels pretty real.” Merry took another beef cube, and bit down onto it. The meat had gone a bit cold by now. “Tastes pretty real, too.”
“Still, we can’t rule it out just yet. Moving on… this is actually just a simulation, and that’s why it seems to be looping.” Renko said.
“Does that really help?” Merry argued. “If we’re going there, then we could just say that everything we’ve ever known is a simulation. That can’t be proven or disproven, and what would we even do about it?”
“I’ll put it down under ‘unlikely.’” Renko nodded.
“Or maybe… time’s just looping.” Merry shrugged. “That seems like the simplest to me.”
“That’s discounting how difficult it’d be to do something like that. Well, how difficult depends on how time travel works. If it’s the many worlds style, then maybe it’d be relatively easy- someone just jumping between alternative universes that only differ in what time it is.”
“If something or someone has enough power to move between universes, then I don’t see how it’s much more of a stretch to say they could fold time over itself.” Merry argued.
The waitress wordlessly came by to collect the dishes. When she laid the check on the table, neither of them so much as glanced at it.
“You sound like you’ve been thinking about this already. Is it related to that problem you’ve been working on?” Merry asked.
“I dunno.” Renko looked unenthused. “It feels similar, but I don’t remember why… I don’t think I solved that one, either.” She mumbled, bracing her head on her palm, eyes downcast.
Merry frowned. That limp attitude wasn’t like Renko at all. “Well. You and I are the Hifuu Club, aren’t we?”
“Sure we are.”
“If anyone can figure this out, it’s the two of us.” She continued, just as much to convince herself.
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” Renko straightened up, rolling her shoulders. “We can’t give up this easily. It’s been way longer than fifteen minutes-” Reflexively she glanced up to read the time, before realizing they were indoors. “-hasn’t it?”
Her phone read 7:58. “Yeah, it has. Assuming my phone isn’t broken.” Merry frowned. “It’s been acting weird lately.”
Renko glanced up at her. “Oh?”
“Yeah, remember I thought the reservation was tomorrow? My planner glitched out or something. It’s weird.”
“Hmm...”
“Well, anyway. We can probably rule out the trigger being a fixed point in time.”
“True. So next up… we should test the trigger for the phenomena. Is it you using the door?” Renko nodded.
“Shouldn’t that already be obvious?” Merry asked. “It happened like that the last two times.”
“We can’t assume that.” Renko shook her head. “We need to be sure.”
“But if it resets again, you’ll forget everything. How are we supposed to try each possibility that way?”
“As long as one of us remembers what happened last time, we can make it work in the long run.” Renko said. “We thought of these options before. We should be able to think of them again, as long as you keep using the code phrase. But that puts the burden of keeping track of what we’ve tried on you.”
“Well, there’s no helping it, is there?”
“Sorry, Merry.”
That irked her, for some reason. “What’re you apologizing for?”
“Well, it just… doesn’t seem fair.” Renko scratched her head.
Since when was life ever fair? “Let’s get moving. Hopefully we can figure something out soon.”
“Alright, then.” Renko nodded, leaving the table after her. “So, what do we want to test this time?”
“You tried opening the front door, but nothing happened. When I tried using it was the trigger. So what if-”
“-We try going together?” Renko concluded.
“Well, why not?” Merry shrugged. “It’s somewhere to start.”
The waitress, noticing them by the entrance, briskly began striding over.
“Uh… did I forget something?” Renko looked back, a drop of sweat rolling down her forehead.
The check, probably- it didn’t matter. Merry took her hand. “We’ll see.”
They pushed open the door-
-
-and the bell rang as it closed behind them.
Merry blinked deliberately. She turned to her side to see Renko standing there, calmly.
“What name is your reservation under?” The waitress said.
“Usami.” Renko replied.
“Party of two… Yes, everything looks to be in order. Follow me, please.” the waitress requested. They did so.
“What do you think?” Renko asked her.
“I was right, that one was a waste to try.” Merry said.
“Huh?” Renko froze in her tracks, mouth a bit slack.
“The moment I touched the door, we got sent back anyway.”
“Merry…” Renko breathed. “I’m sorry, but what’s going on? Are you having-”
“No. I’m not.” Merry closed her eyes, feeling a tinge of frustration. “I have something to tell you.”
The waitress had paused, eyeing both of them.
“‘When the game ends, both the king and the pawn are put back in the same box.’”
A new light came into Renko’s eyes. “Oh? Ohhh…”
“Excuse me, but your table is waiting.” The waitress offered, patience clearly waning.
“P-please excuse us.” Renko bowed slightly, giving Merry’s hand a reassuring squeeze. They continued down the hallway to their booth.
“Thank you. Someone will be with you shortly.” The waitress said, bowing out and leaving the two to take their seats.
“Alright… So, things feel like they’re repeating, right? And it sounds like we talked about it before.” Renko said, tenting her hands.
“Yeah.” Merry said, feeling relieved that the ‘new’ Renko was so quick to catch up. “We had a list going, actually.”
“Alright, past me! So, let’s review.” Renko unfolded her napkin and drew her pen again. “What’ve we tried doing so far?”
“Me specifically using the front door seems to be the trigger.” Merry stated. “You tried it and nothing seemed to happen differently.”
“Interesting.” Renko said, starting to write down several of the earlier ideas they’d had. “What usually wakes you up when you’re having one of your weird dreams?”
Again, this didn’t seem like a dream. “I don’t see any abnormal boundaries here.”
“Are you sure?”
Merry groaned. “I guess I can’t rule it out. Put it on the list, then.”
“Will do. So, let’s get through this one thing at a time. How about testing if this is a dream? Do we both feel pain?”
“I sure do.” Merry said, lifting up her elbow. “Watch.” She slammed it down onto the table, pinching her nerve and making her pucker up like she’d tasted a lemon to avoid crying out.
“Whoa, geez…” Renko blinked. “No hesitation.”
“Ahh…” Merry winced. “It’s because I want to get this figured out, Renko.” She gave her partner an impassive stare. “Now it’s your turn to give it a try.”
“Hey, whoa, hands off!” Renko protested, pulling away from Merry’s grasping hand. “I can do it.”
“Okay then. Go ahead.”
Renko lifted her elbow, taking in a deep breath in preparation. It was then, while she was distracted, that Merry kicked her in the shin.
“Ow! Why’d you do that!”
“Just making sure it’s not self-inflicted. Go ahead and kick me back.”
“Oh, uh… okay.”
Renko went easier on her, but she still definitely felt it.
“So we both feel pain. Probably.” Merry said. “Because we can’t prove that the other is actually feeling it.”
“Yeah. I’m willing to admit we can’t really disprove this is a dream. But moving on to ‘is this a simulation’, I’ve heard that the feeling of Deja Vu’s an indicator that the simulation has just been changed.” Renko said.
“Yeah, I watched that movie too, remember?” Merry huffed. “And besides, how would we know that even applies here?”
“We just need to spot the other cracks in the simulation, then. Are different clocks running at the same rate?” Renko asked.
-
“They seem to be.” Merry confirmed. “It’s always 6:30 when we arrive. My clock matches your clock which matches the wall clock and the waitress’s phone, and another man’s old mechanical watch. All are within a couple of minutes. But if time’s equally distorted in this area, that would make sense.”
“That might be it. But we don’t know for sure. If we could just measure the speed of light…”
“With what, Renko? We don’t have the equipment for that.”
“True. And there’s no telling if that would even help…” Renko put her head down on the table and sighed. “It’s weird. This just feels so familiar.”
“Well, we’re repeating things. It’s unsurprising you feel that way.” Merry said. “Maybe you’re just picking up on it subconsciously.”
“I don’t even know how that would work. But maybe that’s the key. Might as well try the non-technological methods now.”
“And by that, you mean looking for abnormal boundaries.”
“Well, that too. You good to go?”
“Good as I’m going to be. I’ll give it a shot, anyway.”
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
-
“I spent at least two hours across three loops looking, nary a boundary was out of place.” Merry said, before sipping from her Blood Orange Italian soda she’d allowed herself as a reward. “Thanks for distracting the waitress while I snuck into the kitchen to check.”
“Oh, you’re welcome? How’d that go?”
“Didn’t see anything in there either. Got caught and we both got kicked out.”
“Well, that’s a shame. Sorry for putting you through all of that.”
“It had to be done. If there are boundaries involved, they’re out of my sight or reach. Maybe they’re surrounding this whole place.”
“Alright. I’m curious if things reset if you leave right after arriving?” Renko asked.
-
-
“Yeah, they do.” Merry answered two loops later. “The look on your face as I turned right around and left was priceless.”
“Okay then.” Renko grinned sheepishly. “Next up, what happens if I just leave alone?”
-
“About a minute passed after you left before things abruptly reset.” Merry answered. “I didn’t notice anything in particular.”
“So you trigger it immediately when you try to leave, but for me it takes a while?” Renko scratched her head with both hands, frustrated. “What the heck’s the difference?”
“I don’t know for sure because I couldn’t see you, but you were probably walking away. Once you got a certain distance away, that might have triggered a reset.”
“That still doesn’t make sense! Why are there different rules for you and me?”
Merry closed her eyes. How many times had she asked the same question to herself? “Well, we might as well ask why I remember and you don’t. Things just seem to be different for us.”
“Alright, fine then. What happens if we just stay here instead of leaving? How long can we push that for?”
“Oh. …This is going to take a while, isn’t it?”
-
After about four hours of snacking, studying a bit for exams, watching a movie on Renko’s phone, and enduring increasingly harsh glares from the waitstaff, Merry had her answer. “Well, nothing really happened up until we left. Or rather, until we got kicked out. I think they were about to call the police on us.”
“Really? What happens if the police get called?” Renko asked.
“I’m not just sitting around and waiting for four and a half hours again, Renko. You don’t remember everything. I do.”
“Sorry, sorry. So, let’s move on. You used the front door, right?”
Merry nodded.
“Well, we’ll need to try every exit we can think of.”
“The bathroom’s air vents aren’t big enough to fit through. I already checked.”
“That’s a joke, right?”
Merry’s stare was her only answer.
“Alright then.” Renko sighed. “I guess we’ve got no choice.”
“No choice?”
“We might as well try taking the fire exit.”
“Renko!” Merry scolded.
“What? It’s worth a try. If it doesn’t, we’ll just go back.” Renko shrugged.
No, I’ll go back. You’ll forget again. “And what are we going to try next if it doesn’t?”
“You could try some boundary stuff, then?”
She wasn’t sure. That sounded even more dangerous than the situation already was. But if there was no other choice…
“Alright.”
“So you’re with me, then.” Renko smiled.
“Always.” Merry admitted.
“Alright. Stick with me, and run quick.” Renko said, stepping into the aisle. Merry followed, spying the door tucked in the back beside the bathrooms, red handle showing it was indeed alarmed.
“Let’s go!” Renko took off. She hadn’t been kidding, she really was running for it.
Several other diners muttered or gasped, and Merry whispered a silent sorry to them as she passed their tables.
Hitting the door at high speed, Renko shoved it open with a metallic screech of metal on metal. The BEEEEE- of the alarm was deafening, and Merry reflexively clamped down on her ears as she followed Renko through the door-
-
-
-
-
“What name is your reservation under?” the waitress asked. Again.
“Usami.” Renko replied. Again.
“Party of two… Yes, everything looks to be in order. Follow me, please.” the waitress requested. Renko did so cheerfully. Merry didn’t follow.
She pulled her phone from her pocket, seeing the time was exactly 6:30. With a jab of her finger, she silenced the damnable alarm for the umpteenth time.
“Merry?” Renko poked her head back around the corner quizzically. “You coming?”
“‘When the game ends, both the king and the pawn are put back in the same box.” Merry stated bluntly, not caring to soften her words after so many times.
“What?” Renko asked her quietly, stepping in close. “That means… things feel like they’re repeating?”
Merry returned her gaze, feeling like a pit had opened up in her spirit.
Seeing her expression, Renko’s softened. “Hey, come on. It’s going to be fine, Merry.” Carefully putting an arm around her, she helped her down the hallway to their booth.
“Someone will be with you shortly.” The waitress said, bowing out and leaving the two to take their seats.
Renko reached out her arm to help Merry sit down.
“I’m not an invalid.” She mumbled, doing so on her own. “My body’s working fine.”
“Sorry.” Renko said, withdrawing her arm before sitting down beside her. “I’m guessing you’ve been through a loop a few times already?”
“Yeah. We’ve been trying to test things.”
“How’s that been going?” Renko asked, face showing she already suspected the answer wasn’t good.
“I don’t think this is getting us anywhere, Renko. We still don’t know what mechanism is actually causing the resets to happen.”
“Do you know what the trigger is, then?”
“It’s inconsistent. When I try to leave, mostly. But you getting too far away does it too.”
“Huh.” Renko always found that part surprising. But she never had an answer either. “Well, maybe it’s alternative universes. Did you try to-”
“Yes. Already tried manipulating boundaries to break out. Didn’t work out.” Merry straightened herself up. “You know how I can see boundaries that are out of place? Abnormal? There aren’t any around here. WIthout something tied to one, I can’t do much.”
“Ah.” Renko understood the gravity of the situation. “Why is this happening?” She said, more to herself than anything.
“I thought we were trying to find out how this was happening?” Merry offered, limply.
“‘Why’ should tell me ‘how.’”
“I don’t have a clue.” Merry looked down at her silverware, feeling quite useless. “I just felt kind of strange. Then things started repeating.”
“Are you worried?” Renko looked up, giving her an attempt at a reassuring smile.
“Getting there.” Merry admitted. “It’s been a couple dozen times already. Nothing’s gotten us anywhere.”
“I’m worried too.” Renko gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “But we’re still together, no matter how many times this repeats. We’ll figure this out eventually.”
That was classic Renko, and Merry had to manage a smile. She squeezed her hand back. “Thanks for being here with me. Thanks for listening.”
“Of course.” Renko nodded. “You’re my partner and I care about you.”
“Right…” Merry felt her smile wavering. It still felt like there was a big weight on top of her. “Right now, you’re here, and that makes it better. But the moment I walk out that door, I’ll be alone again.”
“That’s not true.” Renko shook her head. “You won’t be alone. The next me might not remember what we’ve said, but she’s still me. She’ll believe you.”
Merry folded her arms on the table and rested her head on them. “Even if you believe me, what difference does that make? How do you know things will be any different next time?” She asked. “I’m just tired of talking about this over and over, I’m sorry.”
“No, no. You’re fine. Do you want to talk about something else?”
“I guess.” Merry tried to recall what she was thinking and feeling before tonight had taken all of her attention, what went through her mind during those long hours of studying alone. Only one thing came to mind- besides Renko being missing, and she didn’t feel like pressing that issue right now. “So graduation’s coming up.”
“So it is. Hard to believe it’s been four years already.” Renko admitted.
“Yeah.” Merry looked away. “I’m not as excited as I thought I’d be. I don’t know what I’ll do next. No job prospects yet, I don’t know if I want to enter grad school, or even if I should.”
“You don’t need to have everything figured out already, or anything like that.” Renko said, trying to commiserate. “It’s not like I understand what’s coming next, either.”
“It’s different for you, though.” Merry met Renko’s eyes. “You won’t have any trouble doing anything you set your mind to.”
“Hey, that’s not fair.” Renko abandoned caution and laid her hand atop Merry’s. “You’re underestimating yourself. I know you’re capable of reaching whatever your dream is. And it’s not like you’re alone. We’re all here for you.”
Who was this ‘we’ Renko mentioned? “...My parents won’t be coming to graduation.” Merry said, resting her chin on her folded arms. Her sorrow had changed into a flat, dispassionate listing of facts. “I know it.”
Renko knew better than to ask why. Merry didn’t talk about her family much, and the mundane things she did share were tinged with melancholy.
“I won’t be going back home after I graduate.” She continued. “So I guess I might as well stay in Japan.”
“Are you… in financial trouble?” Renko asked. She didn’t have a lot, but the two of them could work something out together, somehow.
“No. Far from it.” Merry scoffed. “And even so, I’d much rather be broke than stuck like this.”
Renko didn’t say a word, stroking Merry’s hand.
After a long moment of resting there, Merry sat back up, wiping an errant bit of moisture from her eyes. “I’m sorry for burdening you with my problems like that.”
“Don’t worry about me, I’m glad you could get some of that off your chest…” Renko said, looking strangely nervous. “You don’t normally talk about this kind of stuff...”
Merry paused to think about those words. She was still the same person, and these feelings weren’t new either. She’d been marinating in them this past week without Renko to serve as her outlet. That wasn’t a fair burden for her to put on her friend. But a deeper, darker part of her whispered what does it matter when she’s just going to forget anyway.
“I’m just trying to make the most of the time we have left.” Merry managed to explain.
That made Renko grimace. “Yeah. I feel that.” She sighed. “Especially these days. The last week felt like a blur.”
The waitress returned. “Is there anything I can get you two?”
“Merry?” Renko asked.
“Something sweet.” She decided. It had been a while since she’d had dessert.
“Alright.” The dessert menu was produced. Actually looking at it for the first time in a while, Merry decided on the chocolate fondue with fruit. Renko’s smile showed she approved as well.
The fountain arrived. Its non-stop stream of liquid chocolate covered the strawberry Renko held on a skewer evenly.
“Okay, say ah.” Renko said, holding it up.
“I’m not an invalid, or an infant.” Merry looked the other way.
“It’s to help you get feeling better.” Renko said stubbornly. “Open wide.”
Reluctantly, Merry did.
It was delicious. Between the two of them, they polished off the fruit in no time.
Wiping a bit of chocolate off her mouth, Merry thought that Renko deserved a chance to lead the conversation. “I’ve gone on about my problems long enough. Do you want to talk about something?”
“I guess. But I don’t know if you’ll like it.” Renko squirmed slightly in her seat.
“I’ll be the judge of that. What is it?” Merry said.
“This whole situation reminds me of something I read a while back. I know how that sounds, but…” Renko waited for Merry’s nod of assent, then continued. “You know Camus?” she asked.
“I know of him.” Merry replied, feeling good enough to insert some levity.
“Heh. Well, he wrote a book about the myth of Sisyphus. You know, Greek guy stuck rolling a boulder up a hill over and over, forever?”
“It’s been a while. And I don’t think it’s very funny, considering the situation.” Merry huffed.
“I know, I know.” Renko raised her hands in placation. “But Camus was going somewhere with this. He’s openly equating Sisyphus’s endless struggle with his own life, devoid of any higher meaning- or rather, any higher meaning understandable by humans.
For him, Sisyphus’s struggle is one of defiance against death and his passion for life. Even with no master, no goal to accomplish, life has meaning to him. The struggle towards the heavens itself is enough to fill a man’s heart. ‘One must imagine Sisyphus happy.’ That’s how Camus closes.”
“I think I get what he’s getting at… But we must imagine? Really?” Merry said, pursing her lips.
“Yeah, it’s an imperative resting on underlying assumptions.” Renko sighed. “Life is absurd, futile and meaningless. Given that, accepting and finding happiness in that situation is the only worthwhile thing to do.”
“But I know you don’t believe all of that.” Merry challenged. “Not anymore.” Renko gave her a thin-lipped smile. “Because I’ve known you. I’ve seen that there’s more to this world than can be explained by our current theories. That there are things more… important than our own concerns. That it wasn’t all just a waste of time.”
“What wasn’t a waste?” She asked.
“Believing that things matter. I don’t know if everything has a reason to it, or a meaning. But I do believe it’s our responsibility to make those things. Dreams are things that we turn into reality with our own two hands.”
That was classic Renko. So classic, that Merry couldn’t avoid falling back into her typical role either. “I thought your dream was to stop being afraid of ghosts, though?”
Renko took in a very deep, long breath. “...I thought we agreed to not talk about that.”
They hadn’t. “It’s totally fine to have more than one dream, Renko.”
“That’s not the point.” Renko glanced away, forcing a chuckle. “I guess I’m still figuring out what my dream is. It isn’t easy.”
Merry knew all about that feeling.
“But I’m 100% sure about something. Whatever dream I have has you in it.” Renko said. It was a line practically dripping with cheese. But it was said with Renko’s typical absolute confidence. And Merry was fond of cheese to begin with.
She was just about to agree when something struck her. “Me too. That’s the difference between Sisyphus and I. Except for his boulder, he’s still alone. Maybe he’s fine with that, good for him. I know I wouldn’t be.”
“Well, it’s a good thing we’re together then, isn’t it?”
Merry smiled back. “Yeah.”
-
“Hey, Merry. There’s something I want to say. But I don’t know if you’ll like it.”
“What is it?”
“This whole thing about someone being stuck in a time loop… there was a movie about that sort of thing, you know.” Renko offered.
“Really? How did that go, again?” Merry did her best to not get too frustrated.
“Well, the main character’s stuck in a situation he hates. It’s only once he accepts the situation around him and his role in it that he’s freed.”
“How touching. I’ve seen that one too, you know.”
“Oh?”
“We watched it together.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t feel bad, Renko.”
“I don’t. It’s just strange, that's all.”
-
“Hey, Merry.”
“What is it?”
“Uh… I was going to say something, but I forgot what it was…”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Sorry.”
“Why’re you apologizing?”
“I dunno. It just felt like it was something important.”
“Don’t push yourself. If you just wait, it’ll come back to you.”
“Thanks. I hope so.”
“...”
“I just realized something funny, Merry. You’re eating lamb.”
“So I am. It tastes pretty good and I’m tired of having chicken.”
“No, it’s not that. I mean, my friend Merry had a little bit of lamb.”
“...Goddamnit, Renko.” But she was laughing.
-
“Hey, Merry.”
“What?”
“Do you know how many times you’ve been through this?”
“I haven’t been counting. A few dozen or so?”
“Aren’t you tired?”
“Of course I am. But I’ve had a bit of a rest. Let’s get back to it.”
“Alright. Have we talked string theory yet?”
“You told me to never get you going about that…”
“Yeah, I know. But we might as well try something. I think if we use your power to try to manifest z-branes-”
-
“-and move from fourth-dimensional space-time, skipping through and using higher dimensions as a shortcut-”
-
“-to get around whatever spatial restriction that’s causing the rest. Like getting out of a cell by going through the wall instead of the door. We’ll leave it intact, but no longer be inside of it.”
-
“Well, it was worth a try.”
“It didn’t work out, did it?”
“I could taste plaid, Renko. That’s how twisted up everything got.”
“...Holy shit. I’m just glad you’re okay, then.”
“I can try again-”
“Are you crazy? No way.”
“Fine. Didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, anyway.”
-
“How do you know there isn’t some kind of consciousness watching over this?” Merry asked. “That’d explain some of the contradictory things we’re seeing.”
“Well, like we said earlier, we can’t disprove it. But obviously we can’t prove it either. If they did exist they’d just be able to hide outside of the time we can see. We should focus on trying-”
“Why’re you so quick to discard the idea that someone- or something’s responsible?”
Renko looked up from her list. “I’m not. But if something is, hypothetically speaking, what’re we going to do about it?”
The look in Merry’s eyes made her thoughts on the matter clear. “See, that’s what I like about you, Merry.” Renko chuckled. “Ready to throw hands with a god from the word go.”
“Oh, and like you wouldn’t?” Merry argued. “If you were stuck like this, and you found who was responsible, you’d be just as mad.”
“Yep, I know I would.” Renko nodded. “But that’s just it. You believe in it so easily. You don’t even question the idea at all. I wish I had that kind of faith.”
“I wouldn’t call it ‘faith’, exactly. It’s not personal enough.”
“Suspension of disbelief, then. It’s hard to break out of the assumptions you’re surrounded by.” Renko glanced away, looking a bit pensive.
“Didn’t you say something along the lines of ‘breaking assumptions is why I enjoy spending time with you’?” Merry asked.
“Seems like something I’d say, yeah.” Renko smiled.
“You’d forget your head if it weren’t attached to your neck.”
“Probably.”
-
The list, each item on it crossed off, now sat empty.
“Gah, I know I’m forgetting something…” Renko grumbled, pinching her chin.
“Really?” Merry offered dryly, head propped on her elbows. “No shit.”
“No, not the previous loops. Last week, I was working on some kind of problem. It was something like this, something about this mess feels familiar. But I can’t remember what it was.”
“Don’t push yourself.” That never helped in her experience.
“I’m sorry, Merry. I can’t remember. It feels important, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” She said reflexively. This wasn’t the first time Renko had said this sort of thing. She’d already accepted that she was the one who needed to remember for both of them.
“So what now?” Renko asked, crumpling her list up.
“We go back to square one.” Merry said.
“You’re relentless.”
“I’m desperate. They often overlap.”
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
“It’s not getting anywhere.” Merry said, face-down on the table. The cool wood felt somewhat relieving.
“We can’t give up.” Renko said, staring at a new piece of paper, pen idly twiddling in her hand. “There’s gotta be something we’re missing, something we’re not thinking of.”
Merry looked up, eyes bleary. Her first thought was We’ll see if you still feel that way after you’ve been through as many loops as I have. But she quickly felt ashamed, and revised her opinion.
Because Renko wasn’t the kind of person to give up. She’d never quit, never stop fighting back and trying to uncover the truth, to break out of these cycles. Not after a hundred loops, not after a thousand. If she were the one stuck instead of Merry, she’d never stop struggling.
“Sorry, Merry. I know this is hard.” Renko did her best to give her a brave smile. “I made a promise to you, remember? As long as you keep fighting, I’ll be right there with you. After everything you’ve done for me, there’s no way I’d abandon you when things get hard.”
Renko wasn’t the kind of person to give up.
But she wasn’t Renko.
She was wearing thin.
-
“Someone will be with you shortly.” The waitress said, bowing out.
Merry blinked at the sensation of the menu in her hands, as if it had always been there.
Oh. It’s starting later now. I’m... running out of time, aren’t I?
Would the looping point’s advance leave her forever trapped? Stuck between two seconds that eternally grew closer and closer, without ever fully meeting?
Merry stood, quickly enough to disturb her silverware. “I need to go.” She choked out.
“Merry?” Renko looked up from her own menu.
“I need to go.” Without looking back, she ran to the bathrooms, uncaring of the other patrons watching her in confusion.
Closing the door behind her and locking it, she cupped her hands over her face. She could feel the warm tears of frustration leak through the cracks of her fingers. This was just like a nightmare, or a cruel and twisted joke. One she couldn’t wake up or run away from.
The turbulent swirl of emotion inside her flashboiled into anger. Why was this happening? Why did it have to be her? Who, what, and why?
She was assuming at this point that someone, something was responsible. That premise could be questioned, she’d experienced temporal disturbances before with no apparent mastermind, but this felt too deliberate at this point. Too arranged. It was only natural to blame them, she decided, still simmering in frustration. Who or whatever it was… they’d pay for this.
A knock came at the door. “Merry…” Renko’s voice came through faintly. “Are you okay in there?”
For a brief instant, her anger boiled over, caustic and aimless. She slammed her fist against the door, feeling the shock of the impact through her hand. She screamed, eyes screwing shut, a wordless expression of anguish. Let me go!
Maribel felt in two places at once. Regret and shame overcame her- what was she even trying to accomplish, running away from her problems like a child.
“When the game ends, the k-king and the pawn…” She couldn’t finish.
“Merry?” Renko sounded concerned. She understood what those words meant.
Do I want to be alone right now? It took Merry a terrifyingly long moment to decide.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
She could just imagine the look on Renko’s face. “Merry-”
“I just need a minute.” She responded quickly, desperately.
“Take as long as you need.” Renko managed, her voice squeezed thin in an effort to control it.
Maribel was alone. She slowly walked over to the toilet, putting the lid down. She sat on it, arms wrapped around her legs.
It wasn’t just this situation. She had been feeling broken for some time before. She’d thought she’d gotten better, managed to move beyond all of this, but this night and this mess was all it had taken to send her back down that pit again.
Knocking came at the door again. She felt a flush of anger- but no, Renko would wait for her. She’d promised.
“Occupied.” She managed, but the knock came more insistently.
With a hiss, she pushed herself to her feet.
She opened the door. The woman on the other side was impatient, somewhat understandably. It’d been a while. Her problems couldn’t block other people’s needs, life moved on… for everyone else.
The table was empty, except for the check.
Renko looked at her, not bothering to conceal her worry. “Merry, I think I know what’s going on.”
Merry didn’t look at her as she sat down.
“I… I know this must be hard for you, but we can work through this. I’m sure there’s a solution, somewhere-”
Maribel couldn’t listen to this again. “No.” She felt herself wavering. She looked away, feeling tears well up, knowing she’d give anything to not be here right now. “There isn’t.”
She got up. She didn’t look back. She couldn’t see Renko’s face or she’d break down again. It was all going to be wiped away again. For the first time she welcomed it.
-
“Merry, what’s wrong?” Renko asked in concern.
She blinked. “I’m sick.” She whispered, under her breath.
“What?”
Merry grit her teeth. “I’m sick and tired of doing this shit!” She threw the menu down to the table with a slap. “Why couldn’t we just stay home?” It was the first thing that came to mind, her emotions were still too tightly wound. Once she started speaking, the words tumbled uncontrollably out of her mouth, faster and faster. “Gotten a pizza or something, I don’t know…”
“I just wanted to see you again…” Renko looked hurt. “To have a special night for both of us-”
“Well, congratulations. You sure as hell got one.” She wasn’t angry at Renko, not really, but she was far past the point of restraint. “I don’t even know how many times I’ve been here, because I can’t leave this fucking place!”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Without a second glance, she drew the offending phone from her pocket and threw it to the floor with a sharp crack. Other people were staring now, and the surrounding conversations had died.
The waitress approached, the quick click of her heels on the floor audible in the shocked silence. “Is everything alright?” she said, an edge beneath her professional calm.
Renko glanced between both of them, mouth hanging slightly open in a rare loss for words. If Merry were less worked up, she’d find some wry appreciation in that.
But she wasn’t. She grabbed the fondue fountain in one hand and swept it off the table with a clatter and splatter of melted cheese.
Renko’s eyes were as big as the plates on the table.
“Miss, I’m afraid you need to leave.” The waitress said sternly. “Now.”
“Oh, really?” Merry laughed wildly. “I’d love to, but I can’t!” She retorted, standing up in a rush. “No, I really can’t! If I walk out that door, I’ll end up right back in here again!”
“Merry-” Renko got up, trying to reach for her hand, only for it to be batted away.
Don’t touch me, she was about to say, but the words wouldn’t come. She felt a pang in her heart as she saw Renko’s face crumple.
“I’m calling the police. If you don’t leave now, they’ll need to come and get you...” The waitress said, one hand holding her phone to her ear and the other outstretched in admonition.
“Sorry to disappoint, but I’m literally incapable.” Merry said. She was smiling, wide enough for the corners of her mouth to hurt. “Of leaving.”
Renko stepped between the two, raised her hands in surrender. “I’m sorry. She’s not feeling well. She has a condition…” From within her purse, a medical card was produced- a duplicate of the one Merry also carried. ‘Fantasy Syndrome’ might not be widely recognized by the medical community, but the NHS logo was unmistakable. “There’s strange phenomena involved-”
Seeing Renko try to excuse her, try to explain to the eyebrow-raised, toe-tapping waitress and the stares and sneers of the other bystanders drained Merry. It drained the anger out of her, exposed it for what it really was, a hollow emptiness. Once again, Renko had to carry her weight. Had to clean up her mess. More added onto a debt she couldn’t pay.
“Hey, come on. I’ve got you.” Renko whispered, leaning in supporting her with a shoulder to lean on.
Really? You really do? Why would you?
As they headed to the door, they were followed by thirty-four pairs of staring eyes.
-
Well. That could’ve gone better.
Maribel realized she was sitting down in a booth. The room’s lighting was down low, only the vague outlines of other tables visible. A single spotlight shone from on high, just wide enough to light her face, the table, and
and
…And the ‘face’ of the person- the thing sitting across from her. It wasn’t shrouded in the shadows, it had no features, no hair, no mouth, no eyes. Only an ugly gash in the indeterminate matter of its ‘skin’, the mockery of a wide grin. It was less like a living thing and more like the absence of light, matter, certainty. Like a hole in the shape of a person.
Maribel couldn’t breathe.
It lowered its ‘head’, shaking it dismissively.
Sisyphus was the craftiest of all men. He tricked Zeus, outsmarted his wife, and cheated death twice. That’s why he was punished with something he couldn’t think his way out of.
He’s stuck with the boulder of obligation. That weight he carries brings him back down, again and again. If he could just let it go, he’d be free. But he can’t.
You can’t.
“Why are you telling me this?” Merry said, her voice coming out barely above a whisper.
Its gash of a mouth widened.
And because you can’t… You will never reach the truth.
And as she stared into that hole posing as a face, Maribel knew. She knew what this thing was. It was the one responsible for all of this. It had toyed with her life- no, with the lives of everyone inside this place on this night. She was just the only one who knew.
She would strike it down. And end this.
She would strike it down. And carve out its heart.
Maribel’s eyes locked onto the table’s cutlery. She lunged for the steak knife, gripping it in her right hand.
What are you expecting to do with that? It asked, tilting its head in a mockery of curiosity.
Maribel’s lips were set in a thin line. She steadied herself on the table with one hand, raised the knife with the other, and aimed for its chest.
It looked up at her, face quivering.
Me-
-
“-rry?”
Renko looked up at her, eyes wide. One hand was raised in protest, the other in an abortive attempt to catch her wrist. “What’re you… seeing, right now?” She breathed, almost in disbelief.
Merry blinked. Oh. She felt Renko’s hand in hers, wrapping itself around the handle of the knife.
Taking advantage of her hesitation and slackened grip, it was taken away from her.
She was thankful to leave it behind, she realized. Her hands were trembling, everything was blurry, she couldn’t even make out Renko’s face clearly-
“I don’t know.” Merry said, feeling wetness on her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
Without hesitating, Renko pulled her head to hers and wrapped her hands behind her neck.
“You don’t need to say anything.”
That broke the dam. Her sobbing disgusted even herself. Her tears soaked the offered napkin through.
By the time she found her voice again, she’d found her true goal. “I want to lie down.”
Renko helped her, letting her down gently. The cushion below her head was warm.
Merry closed her eyes.
“I don’t care about anything anymore.” She lied. But she wanted it to be true.
-
“One of everything, please.”
“Excuse me?” The waitress said, raising an eyebrow.
“You heard me. Is that too much to ask? How about one bite of everything?” Merry’s smile was beatific.
“I’m afraid that is too much to ask. I suppose if you are quite serious, we could provide a platter with a sample of each entree.”
“Deal.”
“I’ll warn you upfront, that will take a lot longer.”
“Go ahead. I’ve got time.”
“Merry, hey. What’s the big deal?” Renko looked a bit hesitant.
“Why not? Why shouldn’t I?” Merry’s smile was sour. “‘When the game ends, the king and the pawn are put back in the same box.’”
“Oh. Ohhhhh…” Renko whispered to herself. “Wait, why’re you-”
“Can’t find a way out. Might as well just eat.”
“...This isn’t like you, Merry.”
“At this point I’m beyond caring about ‘what I’m like’. I’m going to gorge myself on this escapism until I vomit.”
-
Merry sipped an Italian soda. Rather, she sipped from three of them, a straw in each bottle leading into her mouth. Cherry, Lime, and Pomegranate.
Renko watched, amused. “How’s that mixture taste?”
Merry stopped drinking and made a grimace of revulsion. “Terrible. Blood Orange and Grape was at least palatable.”
-
“Hmm. What looks good to you, Merry?”
“Nothing looks particularly good, no.” She closed the menu with a snapping sound.
Renko sighed. “Well, you’ve been to this kind of place before, so-”
“Didn’t you say you went to a fondue place before?” Merry said. “I did?” The look of confusion on Renko’s face was genuine.
“Do you mean you don’t remember saying it or you don’t remember going?”
Slowly lowering her head onto her hands, she stared downward. “...I don’t know.”
“Honestly…” Merry palmed her forehead. “It’s like you’re trying to make me worry about you.”
Renko’s eyes flicked up, a ghost of a smile on her lips. “If I were, would it make you feel better?”
“Of course not.” Merry said without thinking. “It might be a distraction from my problems, but I’d still feel bad for you.”
Renko gave a slow nod. “Alright, good to know. …So what should we order?”
“Beef.” Merry offered, uncaring.
-
“Well, did you try the uncertainty principle-”
“Yes. Both ways.”
“Using boundaries to travel through space-”
“Of course. Every way we could think of. Almost knocked myself out from the strain.”
“Okay. I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine how this must feel.” Renko let out a long sigh. “I can’t remember anything. I’m sorry, Merry.”
“If you want to help, help me think of something to order from the drinks menu.”
“Those aren’t old-style alcohol, right?”
“They aren’t. Shame. I could appreciate being absolutely wasted right now.” Merry quipped. “Here, the gin martini. Sounds good as any.”
“Shaken or stirred?” Renko asked, eyebrow cocked.
“Does it really matter?” she said.
“As a matter of fact… The most famous drinker of the martini had a good reason for asking for them shaken.” Renko leaned back, slowly beginning to grin. “As the story goes, he was poisoned by an enemy using his stirred martini. The shaken martini shows if another substance has been added to it more clearly. ...Allegedly.”
“Only an amateur or a fool would use a poison with a distinct color.”
“Well, it’s just a story.” Renko shrugged.
“You know, I heard a story about that same shaken martini, too. But I heard that it tastes worse, but has less alcohol content. That’s so you can drink more. Anyway, the point’s that our superspy’s priorities were those of the alcoholic all along.”
“Do you even want a martini, Merry?”
“On second thought, no.” She let out a long sigh. “I never liked mixed drinks, honestly.”
“What’s your favorite old-style drink, then?” Renko asked.
“Double-malt scotch. Neat.” Merry replied without hesitation. “I don’t really like it, but it’s at least tolerable.” It was what her father had always drunk.
“Really? Aw, man, that’s a really good one…” Renko groaned. “All refined and stoic… I need an iconic drink too.”
“Just pick one, then. It doesn’t really matter.”
“Of course it does, your favorite says a lot about your character!”
“Just as much as your blood type does.” Merry sniffed.
-
“You know those won’t make you drunk.”
“I know.”
“Because you’re drinking like you’re trying to anyway.”
“So what?”
“I’m just worried about you.”
“Don’t be. It won’t last.”
-
After getting a good way into the big glass bottle the waitress had brought from the back room, Merry felt somewhat better. It was like a light fog had fallen over the world, the cozy kind that comes when there’s a light rain on a quiet evening. She was blushing, she could feel it in her cheeks.
“Hey, Renko…”
“Yeah?” Renko responded, her flush far worse than Merry’s despite still nursing her first cup.
“...How do you feel about me?”
“That’s an… interesting question, Merry?” Renko was taken aback, but tried to smile. “You sure you haven’t been having too much to drink-”
“Naah.” Merry’s face was inscrutable. “Don’t overthink it… Just come out with it.”
“Alright then.” Renko agreed, settling herself. “I’d have to say I think you’re pretty amazing.” she said with her typical bluntness. “Everywhere you go, it’s like things change around you, like they show what they really are. Everything goes from looking gray to having color again.”
“Come on...” Merry said incredulously. “You don’t need to try and… spare my feelings or anything.”
“I’m not!” Now a trace of anger appeared. “I’m telling the truth, Merry! Do you really think I’d keep hanging around if I didn’t enjoy spending time with you?”
“That’s just it, isn’t it?” She whispered. The buzz was gone now. It felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff. “You wouldn’t keep me around if I didn’t keep making you feel this way. This is like a dream come true for you- all thanks to these eyes of mine.”
“Merry-” Renko realized what this meant, her voice breaking.
“If I didn’t have these eyes…” It was only then that Merry found the words for her nameless fear. “...would you grow tired of me?”
“What kind of question is that?” Now Renko’s back was up again.
“The serious kind! We’re graduating in less than a week, and you’re just messing around, not bothering to study, running off to restaurants, not thinking about the future, when I’m the one who’s trying to take this seriously! Is this all just some kind of game to you, Renko?”
“No, it’s not!”
“Then stop acting like it.” She felt her voice catch midway through, those damn traitorous tears beginning to roll down her cheeks. “I- I don’t-”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay…” Renko said, reaching forward in an abortive attempt to comfort her. “I’m sorry, it’s gonna be fine…”
“No… I’m the one who should be saying sorry…” She forced out, chest tight from emotion and stealing her words away. This is my fault. This kind of thing only happens to me. You don’t even know that you’re stuck here.
Moving to the other seat, Renko put an arm around her shoulder, saying something comforting in that soft, milk-and-honey tone. Without thinking, Merry clung to her, wrapping both arms around her back. She felt Renko stiffen in surprise, but reached up to pat her shoulder.
Merry felt her tears dampen Renko’s shirt, and pulled her head away. Within a moment, her cloth napkin was presented to her. Giving a whisper of thanks, she dried her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Renko said firmly. “You aren’t feeling well. There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“I’m tired of feeling like a burden.” Merry said, realizing the words for it as she spoke. “I’ve always felt like this since I was little. Back then at school…” She trailed off, realizing Renko was still watching attentively. “I needed some special accommodations. More time to finish things, and I had to go to the nurse to lie down a lot. Everyone was understanding, most of the kids too. …But that just made me feel worse in a way, like I was taking advantage of them. It sounds horrible, I know, but that’s how I felt.”
“There’s no reason to, Merry.” Renko tried to console her. “It wasn’t anything you did, there’s no-”
“You don’t get it.” She felt a sour feeling in the pit of her stomach. “I really, really want to hate you sometimes. You know that?” The words kept tumbling out. She wanted to stop, but she couldn’t. “No matter what, you’ll always be surrounded by people who love you. But the only person who can see me this way is you.”
Renko looked deeply shaken. “That’s not true. The world isn’t as small a place as that.”
Merry looked up, eyes wide. That was definitely not what she’d expected to hear.
“And besides… There is something you have that I don’t.” Renko offered, managing to regain her teasing expression. “It’s me as a friend.”
“You absolute egotist.” Merry chuckled.
She felt emotionally drained, exhausted. Uncaring of the glances from others, she continued to lean on Renko.
“Aren’t you hungry?” Renko asked.
“Not really.” Merry said. “I just want to stay like this for a while, okay?”
“My leg’s getting numb…”
“Oh.” Merry looked down, and shifted so she wasn’t half-sitting on it. “Sorry.”
“You’re fine.”
She felt like protesting that, but it didn’t feel right somehow. Smiling back, she was willing to let that stand.
Beep. Beep. Be- She silenced her alarm.
“What’s that for?” Renko asked.
“Nothing important.” She said, relieved to disregard it. “Let’s just… chill.”
“Not usually my style… or yours.” Renko teased. “But of course I’ll do it if it makes you feel better.”
“Thanks.” Merry closed her eyes. She could smell the cheese fondue, the savory meat… and something floral.
For the first time since this started, she felt at genuine peace.
Having lost track of time, she didn’t know how much longer it was before Renko began to get up.
Reaching up, she caught her sleeve.
“Uh, Merry?”
“Don’t go. Please.” She tried to keep her voice from begging.
“I’m not leaving you.”
Renko was trapped here too. She just didn’t realize it. “I’m sorry.” She repeated again, feeling sick, and this time not from the alcohol.
Eventually she’d need to let go. But she couldn’t accept it.
-
Maribel watched the presentation of the menu listlessly.
“You don’t look so good. Is something wrong?”
Renko kept asking the same question, but the wording wasn’t the same. Something about that felt off, but her tired brain couldn’t quite pinpoint what that was.
She’d remembered why she didn’t like drinking- it brought out her depressive side. Getting absolutely smashed would just be a temporary easing of pain.
Everything seemingly possible had been already tried. What were they going to do now?
Renko continued to stare expectantly. Oh, right, she’d asked a question.
“I’m glad it’s you.” Merry managed with a half-smile.
“Eh?” Renko hadn’t been expecting that.
“I’m glad you’re the one I’m here with.” There’d be no one else she could share any of this mess with.
“Thanks, Merry. That makes me really happy to hear.” Renko smiled, obviously taking that in a very different sense than she meant. But that was okay. She was just grateful to be heard.
“I’m glad, and I’m sad about that.”
Renko gave her a questioning stare.
“I get to spend time with you and eat good food, but the time doesn’t last and the food tastes like mud now.” She was being atypically poetic, but the words just came to her. “It’s all hollowed out.”
“What’re you saying, Merry?” Renko looked almost desperate to hear this was all just a joke.
She closed her eyes. From the beginning, she’d been asking the wrong questions. ‘Who’s responsible for this’, ‘How is this happening’... the answers to both were right in front of her. Who else had strange eyes that could see the unseeable? Who else had unbelievable and impossible things happen to her since she was born?
The more pressing question was, and had always been ‘why would this be happening?’ Back at the very beginning of all this, the first time they’d stepped into the restaurant… they’d had an argument. Before the alarm for her lab, something had happened. Something that she had ignored; that she hadn’t wanted to face.
Renko’s voice was soft, like she was trying to comfort a young, disconsolate child. “Merry, talk to me. Please.”
She opened her eyes. The emotions she’d suppressed flared back to life. “Earlier you mentioned someone you thought I should meet. What did you mean by that?”
“...What? I didn’t-” Renko began to protest.
“You had someone in mind who’s also in psych, and you wanted to tell me about him, right?” Merry fixed her with a glare. She was out of patience.
“Merry-”
“Answer me, Renko. Why would you say something like that?”
“I…” Renko’s lip quivered. “I thought that you could use another friend, is all.”
She wasn’t lying. That was the kind of person Renko was; she’d tell the truth about something like this and she wanted what was best for her.
But Merry was already plenty worked up. “Why’d you insist on paying?” She challenged. That was the other piece, the other key to this whole rotten mess. “You wouldn’t let me cover my own bill, my own cost. Are you-” Just showing off? She couldn’t finish, those words ringing hollow even to her. That wasn’t right, either.
“I just wanted to give you something.” Renko couldn’t look her in the eye. “Just a gift, because graduation’s coming. That’s it.”
They were both leaning in on the table. It wasn’t quite loud enough to be called a shouting match, but they definitely were drawing stares. Merry forced herself to lean back, to focus her mind on the reason why she was here.
“Renko.” She rolled the name in her mouth as she rolled this revelation along, weighing her next move carefully lest it slip and crush her. “I want to apologize. When you said those things, my first reaction was fear. I couldn’t understand why, and I couldn’t see. But now I know that I’m afraid of being left by you.” The fear that had prevented her from ever questioning this, from saying these words, had been eroded by the passage of all this looping time. “I should have known this day would come. Maybe a part of me always knew. Because our relationship was unequal from the start- I owe you more than I can ever pay back.”
Renko sat there, eyes glistening. She didn’t understand, not yet. But she was listening.
“It’s just like with my family.” Merry continued, grimacing as she recalled what she’d long since wanted to forget. “My condition means I always need other people’s help and that made me a burden. My parents had to carry me along. It was all take and no give and it made everyone miserable… so it was better for me to leave. I thought I could make a fresh start, do things better this time. But that wasn’t true.
Because I need you, Renko. I need your eyes to ground me in reality, your hand to lead me when I’m unsure. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you by my side, always listening, always helping. I’m truly grateful for all of that, really.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm her pounding heart. “But that’s the thing- I need you. You don’t need me. If you left me, you’d be fine on your own. You’d find someone else who’d listen to you, who could understand you.”
“I wouldn’t leave you, Merry.” Renko protested, her voice barely above a whisper. “I couldn’t replace you.”
“No. You don’t understand.” Merry shook her head. “You can’t. Because you’re you, and I’m me. Because you’re you, you don’t think twice about inviting someone else or making another friend. But because I’m me, I’m afraid of losing any part of you to someone else. Because I’m me, I know how much of a drain I am and I don’t want to put that burden on anyone else.”
She continued, finding her footing. “Because you’re you, you don’t think twice about giving me a gift that just deepens my debt. Earlier, I thought, just like always- ‘Renko’s the only friend I need’. But that wasn’t true at all. You’re the only friend I can afford.”
“Merry…”
“Graduation’s almost here. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but even if we stay together… either you’ll leave me, or I’ll have to leave you. For your own good.”
She slumped her shoulders, feeling the tension drain out of her and leaving only melancholy remaining. “I’m afraid of going forward, I’m afraid of losing the club. I’m tied to you and terrified that you’ll leave me. So that’s why I’m trapped in time, repeating this night over and over. My abilities- my eyes must have done this because there’s a part of me that wanted this, preferred it over facing reality. You’re here, close enough to touch- but I’m still alone. Like Tantalus.”
Renko’s eyes raised, focused on her partner. “You're wrong.” she whispered. “You’re wrong, Merry. I know that’s not true.”
“How?” Was all Merry could say in return.
Renko leaned forward, head propped on her arm. “You’re not the only one who feels this way.” She said.
“But you’re-”
“The genius Renko Usami? Top of her class, all those scholarships, could get into any research institute with no effort?” She answered for Merry, declaring the titles wryly. “I know how it looks to everyone else. My problems aren’t like yours, Merry. I know I can’t even begin to compare them to yours. But that just makes it feel even worse to be stuck like this- even harder for me to burden you with it.”
“How’re you stuck, Renko?” Merry didn’t believe it. She didn’t want to believe it. Renko was vibrant, and strong, and endlessly striving for discovery and joy and everything that was forbidden to people like them. Merry looked up to her, she believed in her. She believed in that ideal of Renko Usami, its purity and its truthfulness. Was she saying it had been a front all this time?
“Do you really want to know? It’s because of who I am. Ever since I was little I wanted to travel the stars. And ever since I’ve been told that it costs too much, that it’s just a waste of resources, that we need to fix our problems here on Earth. But that’s the thing, we are!” Renko’s voice raised, entering a familiar rant. “The oceans are getting cleaned up, light pollution’s lower than it’s been in a century, temperatures are mostly under control, but it feels like everyone still thinks the world’s doomed.” Her voice faltered. “All my life, it’s like I’ve been fighting against this… this sense of hopelessness. It seems like it’s everywhere. And during those long nights when I can’t fall asleep, it feels like I’ve just been wasting my time trying to believe in anything else.”
Renko wasn’t the complaining type. Half of this was all new to Merry.
“You aren’t sure what’s coming next? I haven’t applied for graduate school either. I don’t know what the future has for me. The grades, the awards, the praise… it’s all hollow and empty. I never needed to try for any of it, at least not putting in real work like other people do. No matter how much I want it to, those things don’t matter much, or mean much.”
“You mean a lot to people, Renko.” Merry tried affirmation, still feeling how strange all this was. “You’ve done so much for…” For me.
“Yeah, that’s the other thing.” She clearly understood the message. “I probably would have just gone on blindly, because why not. Gotten a doctorate, done research, maybe found someone to settle down with. Lapsed into ataraxia.” Renko gave her a knowing look.
“But then we bumped into each other at the student center.” Merry whispered.
“Now you’re getting it. I need you, Merry. Just like how you need me.” Something strange was happening to the light across Renko’s face. “I wouldn’t have made it this far without you, either. Everything we go and do and see, every little scrap of fantasy we find, it’s all thanks to you and your power. It’s the only thing that makes life worth living, don’t you get it? The club’s nothing without you- I’m just a hanger-on.”
“That’s not true, you’re not just-” Merry couldn’t think of the right word. “You’re not useless, Renko! I’d never have the courage to do any of it without you!”
“You really think I would?” Renko said, eyes hard.
“Of course you-” Merry began, without thinking.
“I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU!” She shouted, voice cracking in a very un-Renko-like way.
Merry stared, taken aback.
Renko unclenched her hands and laid them flat, visibly calming herself. “Please listen to me. When you were in the hospital, do you know how it felt for me to just sit there and watch?”
Merry could imagine. It was how she felt in her nightmares, unable to move, as Renko disappeared from her sight.
“I was so helpless. I couldn’t protect you and I couldn’t help you recover. I realized how empty it would be if you were gone. I realized how lost I’d be without you. I realized that you’re just going to keep on growing, moving on in life, and I’ll be left behind.” Renko let out a long breath. “I needed a way to break out of that fate… to find something special. Something so I could keep up with you, Merry.” She said, sounding like she was pleading.
“What’re you saying?” Now she was the one echoing those words.
“I needed-” Renko froze, her face twitching. “...I needed to- to keep pace with you. To… share in your fight, Merry.”
“You aren’t making any sense!”
“This last week, I was… lost. Everything that happened was just like a blur, except for one thing- how much I wanted to see you again. I was-” She winced in pain. “Egh…”
“What’s wrong?” Merry was immediately alert.
An unreadable expression crossed Renko’s face, something that bespoke disbelief and awe, and a great realization. “I was lost without you. But I couldn’t bring you into my mess. I was- stuck. I… I’m still stuck.”
Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeee-
Her phone’s alarm stretched into an ear-piercing whine, but Merry couldn’t take her eyes from Renko’s.
A gust of wind impossibly sent the curtains fluttering, whipping lazily about. The sound of talking and laughter stretched itself out to silence. The waitress slowed to a halt, tray balanced and unmoving. Forks froze in midair, laden with food. The curtains no longer moved, their ripples as if cast from glass.
Renko still grimaced, rubbing circles on her temple with her thumb. “Ow… It isn’t you who’s been causing this, Merry. Not this time.” A small, bitter smile stitched itself across her lips. “It’s me.”
“What-” Merry couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t believe it. It didn’t make any sense. “You… You were the one doing this?” Merry stood up. “You knew?”
“No… No, I didn’t know.” Renko shook her head. “I wasn’t trying to- I forgot!” She was shouting now, hands raised. “Please, I didn’t want to-”
“I… want to believe you.” Merry said, forcing her jaw to unclench. “Slow down.”
Clutching her head, Renko grit her teeth. “Everything’s still coming back to me…” She whispered. “Everything. This last week, I didn’t go to class at all. I forgot about it and then I forgot that I forgot. Tonight when I saw you walking out the door, my first reaction was I’m never going to see her again. I wasn’t thinking. I just didn’t want you to leave me…” Renko looked half despairing, half smiling. “It was just instinct. I didn’t even realize what I was doing, and then I forgot that I ever did it. Of course you’d be the one to see through it, before me.”
“You’re saying that you’re that afraid of me leaving?” Merry almost laughed in disbelief. It still didn’t make sense.
“Of course!” Renko insisted. “I need you, Merry. It’s a mirror of your dependency, my objective eyes ground you in reality… your subjective eyes can see through the- the warped time around me. You’re the only one who can remember when something’s repeating!”
“Okay, slow down.” Merry raised her hand. “What do you mean by warped time? How-” No, she recalled, there was a better question here. “Why is this even happening?” This wasn’t something Renko could do- but she’d been talking about wanting to keep up with her. Were her powers growing too?
Renko looked off into the distance, reminiscing. “Sorry… I’ll try to explain a bit better. It really started last year when we realized you were seeing into the past. I was already kind of jealous of your eyes, even though what they meant was a bit scary. I wished I was able to see what you saw, the kind of things I’d dreamed of.”
That wasn’t a surprise, Renko’d basically said as much to her before.
“But then, the more time I spent with you, I realized you were struggling with carrying all of this alone. It really hit home when you were sick, like I said. I was afraid of being left behind by you. So it felt obvious to me- what if you had someone else who could see the things you did?” Renko looked at her knowingly. “What I wanted from the beginning hadn’t really changed, but I didn’t just want it for myself anymore. I wanted… to be able to stay by your side. To share in what you had, to always be there to help. And then I got what I wanted- the same kind of struggle you go through. ‘Careful what you wish for’, huh?”
“So my- erm, project… began bearing fruit a couple weeks ago. My eyes were growing sharper, I could tell time by the sun, not just the moon. I didn’t even need to really think about it, it was always just there in the back of my head. It was exciting at first, what I’d always wanted. I was just about to tell you all about it, honest.” Renko took in a deep breath, tensing slightly as she recalled what happened next. “But then I started noticing other things. Clocks running fast or slow, or the times not matching up with others. People saying they hadn’t seen me at class, or that we’d talked when I couldn’t remember it… stuff like that.”
“So that’s why my phone’s been acting up!” Merry exclaimed. “That was you! Or your power, rather. I’m assuming it wasn’t on purpose.”
“Not really. It’s not something I know how to control. It just happens.” Renko shrugged limply. “Sometimes in hindsight I realized I wanted something to be over already, or wished a moment would just last longer. Subconscious influence, you know all about that. But that just made me more worried that I’d set something off, just by feeling too strongly.”
This was something she hadn’t considered. They both didn’t want the other to leave, and were afraid of what the future could bring. And given how her own powers had been known to work from her subconscious desires, maybe they’d both been partly responsible for this looping phenomenon? Merry was about to say so, but seeing the tired look in Renko’s eyes made her reconsider. It was just a theory, there’d be plenty of time for that later. Her partner was here now.
“So that’s why you weren’t at class… or maybe you were, but then time got messed with.” Merry offered. “And why you weren’t coming over to study, right?”
“With everything else going on, I couldn’t even think about studying- exams were the last thing on my mind. I went from trying to study it to desperately fighting to keep my time from falling apart. A couple days ago, something really weird happened. I think everything else was frozen except for me. I just remember being so freaked out, I thought I was going to be stuck like that forever. I still don’t know how I got out of that, but I must have somehow.”
“That sounds horrible.” Merry knew from experience just how that felt. “Why didn’t you say something?” she said. “I could have helped, I could have been there for you at least.”
“You were already fighting your own fight.” Renko looked up at her, as if pleading for her to understand. “That’s what kept coming to me, when I didn’t know what was happening or what to do; ‘Merry’s been living with this her whole life.’ That’s what made me feel like I could keep going. I wanted to be there to help you, and I didn’t want to have you worry about my own mess. And then… I forgot everything. All of it. I think I wanted to forget. I couldn’t admit how I felt or why, I was afraid… of weighing you down when you needed help the most.” Renko trailed off, finally running out of words. She’d already said it the best she could.
The footfalls of the waitress sounded near deafening after growing accustomed to just the sound of the other’s voice. The clink of silverware on plates faded back in. Time had begun to flow again.
What should she say to all of that? What could she do but speak from the heart? “You… complete and utter idiot.” Merry whispered.
“Yeah. I guess I kinda am.” Renko’s eyes were wet, but she was smiling. “I just wanted us to have a nice evening together, Merry. I wanted to do something for you for once. No boundaries, no special club stuff, just us. And if things took a turn for the worse and I got stuck in time forever, at least I’d have one last nice memory of the two of us together. And look how that ended up.” She looked… defeated, for the first time. It didn’t become her.
“But... I have had a nice evening.” Merry said, struggling to believe she was truly saying that.
“Please don’t try to make me feel better.” Renko gave her a tired glare. “You can’t mean that.”
“Well, I can’t really call it nice… but it was necessary.” She searched for the words. “It hurt. It still hurts to think about some of the things I said and did. But it feels like a weight off my shoulders to say these things, to confront them. I didn’t realize I was feeling some of it, until this brought them out. It wasn’t easy, but…”
“You needed to do it?” Renko concluded.
“Yeah. It’s a funny thing to say, I know… but I think so.” Merry nodded. “Can’t believe it took this much to get me to open up, but at least I did. Same goes for you, I guess.”
“You don’t know how much of a relief that is to hear.” Renko sighed, leaning back in her chair. “...If you don’t want to go to places like this in the future, I totally get it.”
“No, it’s not that. It was interesting trying something new. It’d be fun to do this again sometime. …The food part, not the time-looping part.” Merry hastily amended.
Against all odds, that got a small chuckle out of Renko.
The waitress deposited the check on the table. “Have either of you found everything alright?” She asked, giving a glance at their mostly untouched plates.
“Oh. Uh…” Renko gave Merry a questioning stare.
“Everything’s been just fine, thanks.” Merry said with an uneven but genuine smile.
Willing to leave it at that, the waitress left for the next table.
“You’re probably pretty sick of fondue after that many repeats, right?” Renko said.
“Pretty much.” Merry sighed. “Everything was very nice at the beginning, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve had more than enough.”
“Alright then.” Renko gave a wavering grin, signing the check. “Oh, right. I’ll pay, it’s the least I can do.”
Merry let her without protest. It was a gift, after all. She had no idea if both of them feeling indebted to the other made them better off… but it was enough to lessen its crushing feeling.
-
The evening breeze on her skin was possibly the most wonderful feeling she’d ever experienced.
Streetlamps were switching on, the signs of business were beginning to light up. Evening was here, the sun beginning to set, and it felt perfectly normal.
“Free at last…” Merry sighed, stretching her arms over her rehatted head. “Still feels surreal to be outside again.”
“How many repeats do you think it was?” Renko asked.
“I have no idea anymore.” She shrugged. “I’d rather not worry about it.”
“Again, I’m really, really sorry about all of this.”
“Come on, you already apologized.” Merry poked Renko’s shoulder with a smile. She couldn’t blame her. She understood how Renko felt all too well. “Besides, you can help make it up to me by walking me to my lab.”
“Oh, you’re right!” Renko pounded her fist into her palm, before looking over at her quizzically. “Aren’t we already late?”
“Not by much. The professor will have to understand we were held up.” Merry smiled deviously. “Unless…”
“Merry. You’re not suggesting that I somehow use my unknown and barely controllable time powers so you won’t be late for your lab.” Renko said, deadpan.
“What? No! …Well, maybe a little.” She admitted. “You don’t think it’s safe?”
“You’re being awfully calm about it given you just suffered through a bunch of warped time.”
“I’ve had plenty of time to get used to the prospect. And if it happens again… I think I know how to break through it.”
“Alright, fair enough. If we hurry, we might just be able to make the next train. Let’s go!” Renko grinned, taking off running.
“Eh? Hey, wait up!” Merry shouted, following after, thankful she hadn’t worn heels.
“Hold on!” Renko slowed down, outstretching her hand.
Merry didn’t hesitate to take it.
Whatever happens next…
Whatever the future will bring…
We’ll face it together.