I Got My Heart Pierced at Claire's

by catboynyakashi

Summary:

"They made eye contact and Amelia was able to get a better look at the girl who'd been terrorising her for the past week. She was tall, with deep bronze skin and eyes that shone almost amber in those painful fluorescent lights above their heads. Amelia squinted at her, trying to read the name on the tag on her shirt, if only to cuss her out accordingly."

OR

A new girl appears in Bonesborough Mall one day and puts an end to the comforting monotony that used to be Amelia Blight's life. Her arrival unwittingly forces Amelia to confront her troubled past.

Chapter 1

Amelia watched with an increasing amount of irritation swelling up in her chest as that infuriating figure ducked back behind the discount clothing racks in the Hot Topic opposite her store. She could tell by the way their lanky body clumsily folded itself between the neatly arranged shirts that there was purpose in those movements- it was obvious that they were trying to hide from her and they were frankly doing a shit job.

It pissed her off.

Those infuriating brown eyes that she could feel trained on her as she sat behind the counter of her Claire's with her boots propped up on the worn wood and arms stubbornly crossed over her chest. Lilith would scold her if she saw her boots scuffing up the counters but she couldn't find it in herself to care, it was a quiet day at the mall today and she was far too busy trying to catch those bright eyes from across the clearing, just to make them guiltily look away, ashamed of being caught staring.

This little game had been going on for the past week or so and it had been grating on Amelia's nerves ever since. Whoever this person thought they were, to stare at her like that, she had it in her right mind to go over there and knock some sense into them. She felt her fists clench and unclench almost involuntarily, the tense coil in her chest was making it hard to sit still and concentrate on the movement still coming from the clothing rack. Why they were still hiding was beyond her- it was almost like they could still feel her eyes following them. It served them right.

Unable to move from her post behind the counter, she swung her legs back down so that her boots were on the floor so she could bounce them instead. The movement helped a little with the tension but it was still there- a constant. It was like she could never catch a break, no matter how far she ran.

A new face showing up in town was pretty rare, especially when it seemed to be someone around her age. Bonesborough wasn't particularly known for its huge population of young people, the fact that this mall was on the brink of bankruptcy further proved that point. If she had the funds, she would've been out of here years ago, but with the decent amount of money Lilith was paying her and the cheap rent of her shitty apartment, she had no choice but to stay. Stuck here, unable to go anywhere else. But it wasn't like she had anywhere else to go anyways.

So yeah. The new person, who just so happened to score a job at the Hot Topic she was currently glaring daggers at because of course they did. How they'd gotten into Eda Clawthorne's good books was beyond her- she'd spent a long time trying to figure out the older woman and she was still an anomaly to her. She was notoriously hard to read, which annoyed her to no end. She didn't like not being able to read people. Not being ten steps ahead of someone at all times freaked her out in a way she refused to acknowledge.

There'd been no fanfare to this person's arrival either- one day they'd just shown up, and then every day after that too.

It had been a week and they hadn't come up to her Claire's or greeted her in any manner, which she was grateful for if she was being honest (she wasn't a people person) but the staring was probably even worse than a simple 'hello' ever could've been. Because at least then she could've shot down any attempt at a friendship with ease.

She let out a frustrated growl. Today had not been a good day. In fact, it had been another bad day in a string of bad days lately. This new stranger wasn't helping one bit.

The overhead lights felt like daggers were being pierced through her eyes, she could feel a headache coming on, and the tension in her head was making it hard to think. She clenched and unclenched her fists because it was the only thing she knew how to do that would calm her down. But even then it was never by much- her body felt like a spring, coiled up tight, ready to unleash all the pent-up energy she didn't know what to do with. This was a pretty standard feeling, one that would never truly go away, especially since she had to sit behind this dumb counter all day. It was something her peers had tried to bully out of her at a young age, but even then nothing had worked. Added pressure just made it worse, she'd found out fairly quickly. She didn't think of it as that big a deal, though. It wasn't anything she hadn't learned to handle.

Her body sprung up almost involuntarily as Lilith appeared from the backroom and she tried to play it off as just stretching out tired limbs as the older woman gave her a look. Her blue eyes looked so much like ones she'd been trying so hard to forget. It'd scared her when she'd been younger but now it just fuelled the fire inside her chest- that lingering anger that never truly went away.

Lilith was nice to her, she'd remind herself every now and then. Lilith wouldn't hurt her.

"Go take a break. I can tell you're getting antsy".

Amelia clenched her hands and gave the woman a sharp nod in thanks. Since Bonesborough was such a small town, finding people to employ, especially in the mall, was a difficult task. Lilith often manned the counter when Amelia was on break, adding to the already fairly large workload the older woman had to deal with. It made Amelia feel guilty for needing to take a break- like she wasn't good enough.

Today she just thought maybe Lilith should be trying harder to find another person to work here since Eda had done it so easily.

The backroom was off to the side of the store, hidden behind the shelves of nail polish Amelia would steal from sometimes. Sure, she had an employee discount, but sometimes taking things from the store was more just her trying to feel something other than the tight coil in her chest and the fog in her brain than anything else. Plus, she liked the glittery ones.

It was always cold as hell in the backroom- just a simple room with concrete walls, a table and chairs, and a sofa that looked like it was older than even Lilith herself. There had used to be a vending machine there too, a couple years back, but that had stopped working and had to be removed once all the food inside had gone bad and stunk the place up. Amelia didn't miss it- she didn't use her breaks to eat. Instead, she grabbed her jacket hanging by a hook beside the door but didn't put it on. She slung it over her shoulder and exited through the fire escape.

This specific backroom led out to a quiet part of the mall car park where no one else seemed to go except her. As she stepped outside, the cold September air hit her at once and she shivered but didn't move to put on her jacket. The chill was a nice respite from the stuffy mall and the thought of the heavy material of her jacket against her bare arms sounded like it'd just make her already bad mood worse. Instead, she dropped it onto the ground as she crouched against the wall, leaning against it with a sigh as the cold stone seeped into the fabric of her shirt. She felt her tense muscles start to relax for the first time that day.

Unzipping one of her jacket pockets, she rummaged around, intent to at least try and improve her mood before she had to go back and work the rest of her shift. She was closing the store tonight since Lilith had told her she had something else to attend to- the older woman tended to be vague about what she got up to outside of her job as manager. Amelia could respect that. Lillith was cagey about her past but so was Amelia so she couldn't really say anything on that front.

Finding what she was looking for, she pulled out a tin and gazed down at it, the usual wave of emotions passing through her before she grimaced and pried off the lid.

It was an old Good Witch Azura tin, worn with faded lettering and slightly dented from being manhandled for many years. It had come with some sort of collector's bundle the series publishers had been doing to market the release of the newest book- she couldn't remember what specific book it had been because her interest in the series had faded long before it had ever been written.

The tin hadn't been her's, and now all that was left were the lingering memories of a life that she could never go back to.

She didn't like to think about it often, so she didn't. There were more pressing matters right now.

 Instead, she slot the joint between her lips and held it to the open flame of her lighter until it caught and then took in the biggest breath she could. It burned all the way down to her lungs and the fog in her head was replaced by the usual pleasant haze that came with smoking.

She felt her shoulders relax, slumping against the cold stone wall and breathing out in one long, slow motion. She was far enough away from everything else that she wasn't worried about getting caught smoking pot on the job- but it wasn't like anybody would care all that much either.

Lilith had caught her once before and hadn't been happy about it, which had set her back more than she wished to admit. But she was over it now- the opinions of the authoritative figures in her life didn't affect her the way they had as a kid. That was a mantra she repeated in her head a lot, perhaps enough that she was finally starting to believe it.

Not that it mattered because one person finding out wasn't gonna stop her- she needed this release from all the stress of her life more than air and no one could take that away from her. She'd fight anyone who said otherwise. Smoking had been a constant in her life that was ingrained into her routine, and if she strayed from this the anxiety would come back.

Sliding her phone out of her pocket, she regarded the screen. It was cracked slightly, though she couldn't remember how it had happened off the top of her head. Perhaps an accident- her motor skills had never been the best and sometimes her hands just...decided to drop whatever she'd been holding. She wasn't sure if it was because she'd been high or drunk or...something? Or maybe she'd just been angry. Sometimes her emotions swelled into one big cloud that settled itself in her chest and she was unable to tell one from the other. Sometimes she didn't feel anything at all. She wished today was one of those days, if only so she could get through the rest of her shift.

Checking the time, she had a good ten minutes left of loitering outside before she had to go back. Lilith had been flitting in and out of the store all day, giving Amelia short breaks where she could try and realign her head, but then she'd be immediately tossed back into the fray and have to restart the process all over again. It was an endless, mindless cycle.

She took another drag of her joint and held it in her mouth for a couple seconds before breathing in. 

If that person in Hot Topic would just.. stop staring at her, then maybe the day would end without any casualties. But it'd been a week already and they seemed to show no signs of stopping whatever dumb shit they seemed to be doing. If this went on, then maybe she'd have to take matters into her own hands. She was not above scaring whoever this was off- a lot of people in her youth had told her that she was rather offputting and she had taken that as encouragement more than the jab she was sure it was meant to be. If she could just get this person to fuck off, then maybe she could go back to her usual, boring, monotonous routine that she found comfort in.

Heaving herself to her feet and swaying a little from the sudden bout of light-headedness, she grunted and put out her blunt on the wall. She put it back in the tin, fingers grazing over the worn metal one last time before it was placed back inside her jacket pocket. Patting down her jeans of any residual dirt, she stepped back inside, feeling a little better than she had at the start of her break.

When she entered the store, Lilith was messing with the cash register, ringing up a customer and didn't acknowledge Amelia's presence until they'd left. Those critical blue eyes landed on her and it took everything in her not to flinch back from the intensity of them.

Lilith's lips twisted into a smile- so small Amelia barely caught it, but it was there. She watched the older woman breathe in, shoulders rising with the force of it, before releasing it out into a sigh. Her expression fell into something Amelia couldn't pinpoint and she felt her own muscles tense up.

"Amelia," she said, sounding worn out. Her tone made Amelia's heartbeat spike but she didn't dare move in case she gave any indication that it had done so. "I need you to go and deliver something to Eda for me".

"What is it?" she blurted before her foggy mind could catch up. She knew not to ask questions when Lilith was like this- she knew that if the woman wanted her to know something she'd tell her point blank. It would do her no good to talk back. She mentally chastised herself for the mistake.

Her internal monologue was cut short as Lilith strode over, checking over her shoulder that no one had come into the store. Seeing it empty, she turned back to Amelia.

If Lilith was mad at her for asking questions, then she showed no signs of it, but Amelia still kept her guard up, just in case. Something was pressed into her hands instead, making her eyes flit down to Lilith's slim, pale hands holding a...

"Smoke bomb?" Amelia said and was shushed immediately after, making her mouth snap shut with an audible click.

There was a mischievous glint in Lilith's eyes now, one that Amelia knew meant bad things. She took the smoke bomb in silent acceptance, used to being a pawn in whatever illegal shenanigans the two store managers got up to- it had come with the job, unfortunately. She was surprised that whoever ran the mall hadn't kicked them out permanently yet, with all the shit that went on in their little corner of the mall where barely anybody came to shop.

She supposed this meant that she'd get to end her shift early with full pay, so there was that too.

Fuelled by the eagerness in Lilith's posture as she took her position back behind the counter, and feeling pretty good from her impromptu smoke earlier, she set off towards the Hot Topic with the smoke bomb conspicuously by her side.

Amelia had somehow been roped into the crossfire between the two sisters ever since she'd started working in the mall. It felt like chaos just found her, no matter what she did to try and prevent it. It had started off pretty tame, mostly because she'd been a scrappy, angry little teen back then and both women seemed to want to treat her like some sort of fragile child, which she had hated and opposed any chance she'd got. She didn't need any adult doting over her when she was doing just fine on her own- she was proud of her independence, and she didn't need anyone weighing her down. She was fine being alone, just wanting to get through her job and earn money so she could keep living the best she was able to. Sometimes it still felt like Lilith was doing things for her out of pity, and Amelia hated pity more than anything else.

It had taken a long time to work her way up to gaining Lilith's respect, and for some reason that had meant being privy to whatever dumb feud she had with the Hot Topic's manager. She didn't really care enough to pry too far into it, as long as she was getting paid she could keep her mouth shut.

Stepping into the Hot Topic, she was immediately blasted by the AC (in fucking september???) and the usual rotation of pop-punk songs that played over the tinny speakers that she embarrassingly still knew all the words to. The store was empty, as it usually was, which was good. She didn't want any random people nearby getting caught in this, mostly because it meant more witnesses.

Her mouth was drawn into a thin line, trying to concentrate on the task at hand rather than the pair of brown eyes she'd forgotten to take into consideration on her way there.

She was almost taken aback to find them belonging to a girl who'd been folding shirts for the front display but had frozen in place at her arrival, a black band tee hanging limp in her hands.

They made eye contact and Amelia was able to get a better look at the girl who'd been terrorising her for the past week. She was tall, with deep bronze skin and eyes that shone almost amber in those painful fluorescent lights above their heads. Amelia squinted at her, trying to read the name on the tag on her shirt, if only to cuss her out accordingly.

Those eyes dropped from her face to her hand and then widened. Suddenly, she remembered why she was here in the first place.

Amelia cleared her throat and the eyes flitted upwards to regard her a little nervously. She wondered briefly if she should've done this when the girl had gone off on her break but it was far too late to turn back now. She held up the smoke bomb, finger curling around the ring pull at the top. A dangerous feeling of power curled in her chest at the panicked look the girl shot her.

"Tell Eda this is from her sister" she growled and tugged on the ring, dropping her precious cargo and ducking out of the store as smoke began to rapidly fill it up.

She covered her mouth, coughing and spluttering as she ran, her lungs aching, back to Claire's so she could fling open the door to the backroom and grab her jacket before spilling out into the car park.

The distant sound of the smoke alarm going off told her that it had spread quickly. Eda would be outside by now, most likely with the message from Lilith- probably already planning her revenge.

As she wove her way around the mall, she watched with mild amusement as people started to file out, smoke billowing through open windows and out into the grey sky above. She crossed the car park onto the street, hands clasped into fists in the pockets of her jacket.

For some reason, she couldn't get that look the girl had given her out of her mind. She supposed it was because she felt somewhat bad about another person being caught up in all this seemingly endless mall drama, but she couldn't find it in herself to think too much about it. The bastard probably deserved what was coming to her, her incessant staring this past week would surely stop after this. 

At least, that's what she hoped.

Notes:

okay so like a year ago i saw a post that was like. pastel hot topic/emo claire's lumity art and its been stuck in my brain ever since. this was originally gonna be a canon lumity crack/slice of life typa fic but then i started hyperfixating on the betas rly hard so now its this self indulgent silly au where i make my little blorbo amelia suffer through The Horrors <3 still keeping some of the weird batshit elements of the original idea but with more angst and its the betas now!

im HOPING this doesnt end up as another fucking Insanely Long fic but i literally can not tell wtf is going to happen to this au so i guess we'll have to wait and see?? anyways! hope u enjoy what i have in store :D

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 2

Two days of silent bliss passed before everything turned to shit. Amelia had been expecting it but that didn't necessarily mean she appreciated it.

It was pretty early in the morning- early enough for Amelia's eyes to still have the lingering ache of sleep behind them and she was in a bit of a foul mood. The radiators in her apartment had all stopped working over the weekend and though she'd tried to call maintenance to come look at them, she hadn't been able to get ahold of them. She'd spent the weekend huddled up in layers and layers of blankets, praying for the cold weather to go away, just this once. But of course, fate would have it that Amelia Blight spent as much of her life suffering at the hands of others as often as she could, since it seemed like she couldn't have shit either way.

It wasn't any better in the mall but that didn't surprise her. Living in a tiny seaside town like Bonesborough often meant cold, harsh weather around this time of year, but complaining about it made her feel a fraction better about it all, even if it didn't amount to anything.

She'd had to open the store this morning and had dimmed the lights ever so slightly in an attempt to not give herself a migraine so early on in her shift. It'd do Lilith no good if she came down with something, not when the older woman had seemed so busy lately.

Amelia yawned, squeezing her eyes shut and feeling the pressure build in her head ever so slightly. Maybe she should've taken an ibuprofen before she left, maybe then she would've been in a better headspace for all the shit that'd happen next.

***

It wasn't like her little act with the smoke bomb would've completely pushed the girl away, because that would've been far too easy and life just wasn't that kind to Amelia. But she wished she didn't have to look at the way her dark brows furrowed as she stormed into her Claire's, straight up to the counter to glare down at Amelia.

"What the fuck was that all about?" was the first thing out of her mouth- the first thing Amelia had ever heard her speak. Her voice was smooth and deep with a slight accent and sounded nice in Amelia's ears, but that didn't stop the little prick of irritation in her chest at her presence.

"What are you talking about?" she grumbled, throwing the girl her best glare from behind the counter. She leaned forward in what she hoped was a threatening posture, knowing full well from her brief time next to the girl that she was quite a bit shorter than her. But since when had that ever stopped her before?

"What do you-? You know what I'm fucking talking about!!" the girl's voice raised in pitch, she shoved her hands under her dumb beanie to claw at her hair. "The smoke bomb??? Why did you smoke bomb Eda's store?"

Amelia shrugged, watching in satisfaction as the girl became increasingly more distressed. "Well, first of all, it's not really any of your business-"

"It is my business!! I was in the store when you threw a fucking smoke bomb in it! Someone could've gotten really hurt, did you think about that? At all?? What about Eda?" the girl started pacing in front of the counter and Amelia crossed her arms and followed her with her eyes, unimpressed.

"Okay, well, I didn't throw the smoke bomb, I dropped it".

The girl stopped her pacing to spin around and directly face Amelia. Her hands slammed down on the counter and the noise made another jolt of pain shoot up the back of her neck up to her head. Amelia closed her eyes, lips twisted into a snarl, her patience thinning.

"The technicalities don't matter! The mall got shut down for the rest of the day because of you! What if I called the cops, huh? What then? What if you got in trouble for this?"

Amelia opened her eyes to narrow them at the girl.

"You have no proof it was me" she growled.

"Mall security cameras!" it was sorta cute how proud of herself the girl looked for that one.

"Those haven't worked in like, three years".

She was almost certain that that had been Eda's doing but it wasn't like anyone had come over to their corner of the mall to actually check the cameras in almost as long as Amelia had been working there.

The dejected lilt of the girl's lips told her that that had been the only defence she'd come up with. She crossed her arms over her chest, defiant.

Amelia's headache was starting to feel considerably worse but she was making a conscious effort not to let it show. She closed her eyes again, if only for a brief reprise from the conversation and to ease the ache in the back of her eyes. When she blinked them open, she watched the girl lean further over the counter.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she hissed, leaning backwards, hands curled into defensive fists at her chest.

"Well...Amelia" the girl said, reading the tag on her shirt, "I have a few more questions if that's okay".

The way the girl said her name sparked another wave of irritation in Amelia, who was rapidly nearing the end of any patience she'd had left. "No, it's not okay. Fuck off".

"Why was Eda so chill about you dropping a smoke bomb in her store?" the girl asked, ignoring her harsh words.

"Why don't you go ask her and leave me alone" she needed a smoke so bad right now. She was far too sober to be dealing with this bullshit.

"'Cause you're the only person this side of the mall even remotely the same age as me and you clearly know Eda since apparently, you've been working here for a while. Somethings going on and you know what it is. So tell me".

"No".

"Why are you being so difficult??" the girl asked, exasperated.

Amelia opened her mouth the answer, but the door to the backroom slammed open and Lilith strode out before she could even think of another insult to sling at the girl. Both of them turned towards her as she stopped just a few paces from the door, clearly surprised to see someone else in the store.

"Oh, you must be Eda's new employee, right?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

The girl looked conflicted about talking with Lilith, which made sense considering what had happened two days ago. But something seemed to have won out and she instead turned her full attention to the older woman, maybe with the intention of directing questions towards her instead. It was a fruitless attempt but Amelia supposed she could give her credit for her blind optimism.

"That's right! I'm Lucia, nice to meet you! You're...Lilith?"

Blue eyes shot from Lucia to Amelia- a silent question that Amelia wasn't sure how to answer. She raised her shoulder in what could generously be called a shrug before the attention was off her once again.

"Lilith Clawthorne. I'm sure Edalyn has said some very...colourful things to you already so I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It's very nice to meet you, Lucia, I hope you enjoy your time with my sister. I wish you the best of luck".

Lilith's words left a confused tilt in Lucia's brow. There seemed to be some tension building in the air- possible distrust of the girl being in the store after the smoke bomb incident. Lilith knew to be courteous with her because she was the unwilling participant caught in the crossfire between the sisters, but she knew to be cautious all the same.

There was a finality to the silence that followed, as Lilith stalked over to excuse Amelia from behind the counter, granting her a much-needed break from her shitty morning. Amelia was glad to take it, standing up from her perch and stretching out her limbs, shaking away the tension in them the best she could. Lucia was bouncing from foot to foot, still not seeming to understand that neither wanted her in the store anymore. But that wasn't Amelia's problem anymore, thankfully.

"Did you eat breakfast this morning?" Lilith mumbled as they passed each other, stopping Amelia on her path towards the backroom.

She paused, unsure of how to answer such a question. Because....no, she hadn't. She'd pretty much rolled out of bed to take a cold (since she had no heating) shower and smoked a cigarette on the walk down to the mall, which she knew didn't truly count but she counted it anyways, to make herself feel a little better about it.

Her hesitation was enough for Lilith to understand her answer and her lips tilted down into a little frown. Her blue gaze landed on Amelia, pinning her down with its intensity. Amelia stood there, frozen, unsure of what to do, scared of what Lilith would say next.

The older woman sighed, running a hand down her face, her posture falling into a more casual one that still left Amelia on edge.

"It's okay, you don't need to say anything," she said, her voice soft, "I picked up something for you this morning, it's in the backroom. Please try and eat it, okay?"

"....Okay" Amelia said hesitantly because she wasn't sure what else to say.

Lilith gave her a whisper of a smile and Amelia stared at her for a few more beats before turning around and heading back towards her destination. As her hand landed on the handle, ready to push it down, she let out a little "Um. Thanks!" that made her voice wobble in uncertainty. She didn't stay to hear if Lilith said anything after that, pushing her way into the backroom and shutting the door behind her to escape the strange scenario she'd just found herself in.

In the quiet of the backroom, the faint noises of pop music coming from the store leaking in from under the door, Amelia allowed herself to just...wind down. For a bit, at least. Her interaction with the girl, Lucia, had been bad enough, but whatever had gone on between her and Lilith made her chest ache in a way she hadn't felt for a very long time.

Lilith had done this before, of course, trying to pry into her life in the most invasive way possible. Trying to work her way into Amelia's good books with the promise of extra food. Amelia had spent a good deal of time trying to shoot down these...advances into her personal life. It had made her angry and suspicious at first, like Lilith was somehow doing this to gather information. For what? It didn't matter, not to her. She didn't want to let anyone in, especially not Lilith, but as she'd gotten older she'd begun to somewhat appreciate the tiny boosts of help the older woman gave her.

It didn't mean she trusted Lilith, not fully. But Amelia could swallow her pride to take free food at the very least. Her stomach growled, as if in agreement.

There was food wrapped in a paper bag on one of the rickety tables by the door that Amelia assumed was meant for her. The chair creaked dangerously as she sat down on it, legs whining and shifting on the cold stone floor as if they were about to give out. Amelia stood up and moved to the sofa, making a mental note to remind Lilith about replacing some of the old furniture in here before it hurt someone. They had the funds for it, it was just a matter of getting it done that Lilith seemed to be procrastinating on.

She sat down on the couch with a huff, unravelling the bag to see what was inside- a sandwich from one of the local cafes nearby, still warm since it seemed like Lilith had only just gotten here before she'd been distracted by Lucia.

With a grateful little quirk of her lips, she started eating, immediately feeling considerably better with the food in her stomach. Her headache was slowly going away, it was just an ebb in the back of her eyes, constant but manageable. The backroom was always rather dark no matter how many of the lights were on; shrouded in a constant shadow. Amelia liked sitting in the corner with her head between her knees, staring at the pitch-black floor between her feet until fuzzy little patterns formed in her vision on days when she was feeling particularly overwhelmed. The general cold feeling that never seemed to leave the room was nice, but in a different way than the chilly wind outside was.

Her leg bounced as she let her mind wander, chewing on her sandwich and gazing distractedly around the room. She'd spent a lot of time here- probably more than she did anywhere else, save for her apartment, probably. She had a lot of...interesting memories attached to this place. Not necessarily bad, but she wouldn't have called them happy either.

Being in Bonesborough had never been her choice, not fully at least. But she'd found comfort in being here and that was enough for her to keep going. Keep moving forward the best she could. It was all she could do. Sometimes it felt like she was constantly running from what her life had used to be and her lungs were about to give out any second. Sometimes the weight of her body didn't seem so heavy.

After her short meal, Amelia stood up, wiping crumbs off her jeans and checking to see if she had time to smoke before she was back on duty. Realising she did, she grabbed her jacket, slung it over her shoulder and headed towards the fire escape.

The door was opened just an inch of the way before she noticed that someone was trying to open it from the other side. Wary, she flung it open and heard a surprised yelp coming from the car park.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Amelia snapped as she saw Lucia on the other side, rubbing at her nose.

The girl seemed to steel herself, adjusting the beanie on her head. "I wanted to talk to you".

Amelia looked at her, unimpressed, "I already told you I didn't want to talk-"

"Just let me in! It's cold out here".

She shut the door so there was only a sliver of the girl's face in her vision. One brown eye stared at her almost pleadingly.

"Only Claire's employees are allowed in here!"

"What? Come on?? Can you make an exception this one time?"

"Go away" she could feel her headache coming back.

A loud, audible sigh from the other side of the door. A stubborn knock, as if that alone would make Amelia open it for her. Or maybe it'd been out of frustration since it seemed to have dawned on the taller girl that Amelia wasn't going to budge.

Amelia didn't need this, she just wanted to be left alone. Everyone else that had come and gone from Eda's Hot Topic had left her alone, so why was this happening now? Why was she coming back to her after Amelia dropped a fucking smoke bomb in her store???

The weight of the door seemed to double as Lucia leaned against it, not taking the hint that she was supposed to leave.

"Do you hate me?" Lucia asked, her voice quiet. Amelia couldn't tell what its intention was and that made her anxious.

This was a question Amelia did not know how to answer. Hate seemed like a bit too strong a word for how she felt about Lucia. Sure, she was irritating. Lucia had practically stalked her for an entire week before even so much as talking to her. She'd burst into Amelia's store this very morning demanding answers Amelia would not give. She was annoying at most. Someone who Amelia didn't want to interact with, if only because she could feel her energy being sapped away by her presence, leaving her tired and snappy. It wasn't like she could just say no, though, because then Lucia might take it as an invitation of friendship and Amelia did not want that.

"I just want you to leave me alone" was what she decided on after a brief pause, trying once again to push the door fully closed but being blocked by Lucia's weight.

"Lilith filled me in on some of my questions," Lucia said, as if trying one last ditch effort, one last olive branch for Amelia to hold on to. "I understand you want nothing to do with me, and that's fair! I'm still kinda mad about the whole smoke bomb thing too-"

"-Then why are you still talking to me?"

"'Cause!! You've been working here a long time, right?" she didn't wait for an answer Amelia wasn't going to give anyways, "don't you want this dumb rivalry to be over? Isn't all this back-and-forth tiring? What if the cops do get involved, what then? Like, all this doesn't seem worth it to me".

If she were being honest with herself, Amelia was sick of whatever was going on between the two Clawthorne sisters, if only because she'd much rather lay low, just be another person in the crowd rather than the girl who sets off the mall smoke alarm at least once a month. It felt like Lilith and Eda were being reckless in using the mall as their place of combat, using her as a pawn in their game. She wasn't sure either of them could afford to get arrested.

But...Bonesborough was a tiny town by the coast, in between a bunch of much bigger cities that people actually knew about. Bonesborough was used as a landmark on maps to guide people to more populated places. No one in their right mind stopped here. The police here weren't the most competent, and that was surely the reason that this had gone on for as long as it had. No one seemed to want to investigate what was going on down at the old mall. Give it a few more years, they'd say, then it won't be anyone's problem anymore.

Amelia opened the door ever so slightly so she could glare up at Lucia. She didn't want to make it seem like Lucia's proposal was interesting her, because she much preferred to work alone, but she couldn't deny that she was curious about what the taller girl was going to say.

"What do you think you could possibly do to make them stop?" she asked warily, voice as disinterested as she could make it.

"Ask them nicely?" Lucia shrugged, a crooked smile on her lips.

"Ugh, this is useless, why did I even ask" Amelia growled, rolling her eyes and moving to shut the door once again.

A boot stuck itself between the gap before Amelia could give the door the final push it needed to close.

"Wait, sorry I was trying to be funny!!" the taller girl bit out as her boot was jammed into the door. She hissed in pain as she continued, "I guess I was hoping we could bounce ideas off each other? Since you probably have a better idea of what's going on and I'm good at coming up with solutions!"

Amelia considered this, staring at Lucia's boot as it tried to wriggle free from its prison.

"I'll think about it" she decided on, unsure of why she hadn't just straight up declined but not thinking too much into it.

She came back from her break disappointingly sober and with a lot on her mind. Dislodging Lucia from the door had been a task- she was annoyingly persistent in a way she hadn't had to deal with in a very long time. It made her frustrated more than anything else. Because no matter what she did, or what answer she gave to Lucia about what they'd talked about in the backroom, she knew that that wasn't going to be enough to get rid of the girl. Now that she was working in the store opposite her own and caught up in the same shenanigans as her, this was it. She was stuck with this dumb, lanky idiot for as long as they both stayed in Bonesborough, unfortunately.

***

As she walked home, her breath billowing into the air, trying not to shiver from the evening chill, Amelia let herself think.

Her apartment wasn't too far a walk from the mall but it wasn't like she had any other options to get too and from work. She'd been due to start driving lessons a long time ago, when she'd still been a teen, but events she'd rather not delve too deep into stopped that before it got anywhere. In a way, she didn't mind walking. It cleared her head, it tired her out. It allowed her mind to drift to places it otherwise wouldn't dare go to when she was at the mall or even alone in her apartment.

There was a heavy feeling in her chest- a nervous energy that was a constant in her muscles, but seemed to be growing in intensity ever since she'd spoken to Lucia.

She didn't even realise she'd made it to her apartment building, too busy thinking with her eyes trained on the floor, watching her feet move back and forth as she walked, until the dull grey building came into view and she almost smacked into the door. Grumbling, she flung open the door and stalked inside, ready to make the tiring trek up the stairs to her apartment.

None of the doors leading into the apartment building had any locks on them- anyone was free to come and go as they pleased, which was surely a safety problem, but considering how cheap the rent was, Amelia didn't really have any place to complain. It was freezing cold inside, the once white painted walls a weird off-grey/green with what was probably mould. No one had cleaned the main area on the ground floor for decades, Amelia was certain of that.

She shouldered her way to the stairwell, feet shuffling over the worn carpet until they hit the cracked concrete stairs. 

Someone passed her on the stairs but they didn't acknowledge Amelia's presence at all. It was nice that everyone here seemed to keep to themselves, mostly because a lot of the people who lived here were a lot older than she was, and didn't really care about some kid traipsing around as long as she was quiet. Not that she was ever loud in the first place, but it was nice to know she was guaranteed some peace and quiet while she was at home.

The lock on her apartment door jammed a lot so opening it was a whole process that still left her prickling with irritation every time. She slot her key into the lock and twisted it back and forth until she heard the telltale click, and then used all her strength to push the door open.

At least it made it harder for people to break in, so there was that she supposed.

The process repeated itself once she made to lock the door back up and once she was done she slumped against the wood to try and calm herself down. Now was not a good time to get worked up, she needed to check if maintenance had come round the fix her heating and maybe get something to eat while she was at it.

She wandered around her tiny apartment- the main room was her little makeshift living room with a bunch of furniture she'd found on the side of the road. That had been the only time she'd allowed Lilith a foot in the door that was her private life. She couldn't move the furniture on her own and the woman had a car, so she didn't really have much of a choice in the matter. That had been a whole thing, an entire day spent rearranging her apartment to fit everything inside. That had been the only time she'd allowed Lilith into her apartment. It would be the only time she'd ask Lilith for help, she'd decided that very day. And she stuck by it.

Next to the living room was the kitchenette, not much except the usual oven, sink, decent storage space and a microwave she'd allowed herself to splurge on just because she knew that that was probably going to be where most of her meals came from. It was probably the most expensive thing she'd bought since she had started living by herself, but it was well worth the money spent. Her room was off to the side of the living room, big enough to hold most of the possessions she'd managed to grab when she'd initially left and a single bed. It wasn't much, but it was hers.

Her hands swept over the radiators as she walked around the apartment, checking to see if they were heating up since they'd been turned on. Nothing. She scowled as she retreated back to the kitchen to make herself some noodles and then sat angrily on her bed swaddled in as many blankets as she could find as she ate them.

***

The sky was almost dark enough for the streetlamps nearby to turn on as she yanked open her window and the last traces of warm air in her apartment vanished into the evening. She sat on the cold wooden floor of her living room, arms propped up on the window sill and smoked the last of her joint, hoping that it'd ease her into an easier sleep than she'd been getting recently.

She thought back to Lucia as she stared up at the clouds, just barely visible in the rapidly dimming light. It looked like it might rain either tonight or tomorrow morning. She took another hit from the joint and rest her chin on her arms.

There was a lot about the other girl she just didn't know, not enough for her to make any rash decisions, she tried to tell herself. But still, she couldn't help but be wary of the hand extended out to her. She'd been burned before, more than once. That left an impact on a person. It left years and years of distrust in Amelia.

There was just no way of knowing what Lucia would do and that made her nervous.

Sure, she'd laid out her intentions pretty clearly- she wanted to talk to Amelia about their chaotic managers, but she had no idea if there were any underlying intentions behind those words.

Lucia had no reason to like her. Amelia had not been nice to her in any of their interactions. And still there she was with her dumb crooked smile, trying to joke around. Amelia couldn't understand why Lucia would ever look at someone like her the way she had.

It's only because she's worried about her job, her brain supplied for her. She wouldn't spare you a glance if she wasn't worried about getting in trouble with the police.

That seemed like the most reasonable answer in Amelia's mind. Lucia wanted her to help, to stop the feud between Lilith and Eda, and then she'd surely drop Amelia in a heartbeat, because what use was she if she couldn't help Lucia achieve something she wanted?

Amelia sighed, finishing off her joint and crushing the filter against the wall, dropping it into the dark abyss below. She shivered as she shut her window, locking it before slinking back to her room and turning on her lamp.

The soft golden glow and the warmth in her body from the joint were enough to get her frantic mind to calm down. She changed and shuffled into bed, not tired enough to sleep, just wanting to lie down and force her body to relax. She slumped against the pillows, dragging her beat-up laptop off its perch on her bedside table and onto her lap. Maybe she'd watch something to take her mind off things. Or maybe she'd work on that drawing she'd been doing on and off for the past week or so.

Either way, she could deal with Lucia tomorrow.

Notes:

ive written so much this month i feel like im going insane lmao

anways the plan for this fic is to write it in amelias pov all the way through which is a little out of my comfort zone i think but im excited to try smth new! :D

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 3

It wasn't like she wanted to outright reject Lucia's offer, because for some reason her mind just wouldn't coordinate with her mouth to say such a string of words. The hopeful little smile on the other girl's face had reminded her of a past memory long gone now, worn away from years and years of horrible things piling up, covering what once was. But it was there, and it was persistent.

The reality of the situation was that Amelia had not had anyone her age to interact with for far longer than was probably healthy.

Amelia was good at letting people down. It seemed she had mastered the art of letting adults down throughout her childhood. But now that she was an adult, she couldn't help but feel like the bar was higher. Making friends as a kid had been hard enough for a number of reasons, but making friends as an adult seemed almost impossible. The fact that Amelia had managed to isolate herself from anyone remotely her own age for as long as she had was both impressive and concerning. But ending up on Bonesborough hadn't exactly been her first choice anyways.

So maybe she was overthinking Lucia's offer, just a bit. Her brain was trying to tell her to back off, put on her usual act of indifference and get the girl to leave her alone. It wouldn't take much, her usual snark and thin patience made people uncomfortable more often than not and no one stayed around long enough to get to know her in any meaningful way.

So why was this different?

She frowned. It wasn't. It was the same routine it always had been and she was certain it would continue to be so, no matter what happened with Lucia

Lucia had been staring at her from across the mall not even a week ago and now here she was, contemplating the words of a girl she'd told herself she would never speak to. It was embarrassing how hard she was thinking about this. She needed to stop.

Luckily, she had the perfect distraction.

It was a Sunday, a blissful break from the work grind, a chance to sleep in and relax. Amelia was still in bed, laying on her back and staring up at the weird dark stain on her ceiling that had appeared two months after she'd first moved into this apartment that she hadn't been able to identify since. It might've been some sort of water leak from the apartment above her own, but as long as it didn't collapse her ceiling then it was probably nothing to worry about.

Though she was still under her layers of blankets, leaving a comfortable warmth in her tired limbs, she could still feel the chill of the early afternoon air on her exposed face and arm. She needed to get up so she could get something to eat and start her day, but moving seemed like such a colossal task right now she just couldn't get herself to do it. The longer she lay there, staring at her ceiling until her vision blurred around the edges, the more her mind tended to wander. Her brain felt fuzzy but not in the nice way it got when she smoked. This was more of a hazy feeling, her vision becoming more textured, as if she was looking at something underwater.

If she lay there for any longer, she knew she would not be getting up today.

It was as if the tight feeling in her chest was weighing her body down to the bed, how she grunted with the effort of sitting up. She ran a hand through her hair, grumbling to herself as she swung her legs out from under the warm protection of blankets and out into the cold, stale air.

Amelia threw on something over her already numerous layers of clothing in an attempt to combat the chill settling itself in her bones and headed towards the kitchen to find something to eat. She pulled open her fridge and squeezed her eyes shut in frustration when she realised it was empty. She'd been meaning to pick up some more groceries for a while now, but the... current events of her life had distracted her enough that she'd forgotten. Irritation turned her limbs to static as she slammed the fridge door shut hard enough that it rattled dangerously.

She opened and closed her fists a few times, increasing the pressure of her nails on the soft skin of her palms until she could feel her limbs again and then shook out her hands a few times for good measure. She needed to keep a level head and not get overwhelmed by this new obstacle on her otherwise peaceful day off. 

With no viable food to eat at that moment (she didn't want to eat noodles for breakfast, it'd make her feel nauseous), she made herself the strongest coffee she could and sat by her window to smoke.

The view from her window was as decent as you could get from an apartment like hers she supposed. Her apartment was near the back of the building, a little off to the side, and though most of her view was just the usual bland grey buildings that took up most of Bonesborough, if she angled herself right she could see the faint stretch of ocean in the distance. Sometimes she could see fishing boats pulling up to shore, faint silhouettes of people hauling their goods off the decks, ready to be sold fresh at the market. Amelia wondered how cold it must be out on the ocean, spending most of your time on a boat with nothing but your gear and the companionship of your crew to pass the time. Sometimes Amelia wished she'd tried harder to look for a more demanding job, something to take her mind off of how shitty her life was. Most of the time she was glad she was stuck in a musty old mall and not out at sea.

Today the sky was a stark white colour, cloudless and windy with the ever-present threat of rain that told Amelia if she wanted to go to the store, she'd have to do it soon. But even then she took her time drinking her coffee, flicking ash out of her window into the alley below without any care. The joint in her hands had been rolled pretty hastily and she had to press her finger together to keep it from falling apart while she smoked it. It went out when a particularly strong gust of wind blew her window open further and she continued her angry grumbling as she struggled to relight it with her dying lighter.

Her makeshift breakfast/lunch/whatever perked her up considerably, enough that when she stood up her head swayed pleasantly. She made herself another coffee as she took inventory of what little food she had in her kitchen so she knew what she needed to get at the store.

When she'd first moved into her own place this had seemed like such an overwhelming task. She'd spent a lot of her childhood having to fend for herself, sure, but it felt so much different when she was the one having to earn the money to feed herself. It was like an added layer of stress on top of everything else that was happening in her life. As she'd grown older she'd gotten better at it- planning meals in advance, tweaking recipes so that she could bulk cook them those rare times she felt like cooking, haunting the reduced section of the store like the little ghoul she was.

It had been trial and error for a bit, she'd pretty much lived off nothing but microwave meals and noodles for the first year or so of living alone, before she started to feel a little less like her life was falling apart and got back into trying to cook for herself.

The thought of going outside didn't please her a whole lot, especially when she'd wanted to spend the day inside, but she couldn't hold out another day without something decent to eat so she took a long sip of coffee and forced herself to get ready. May as well get it over and done with she supposed. What she was wearing right now seemed presentable enough so she didn't bother changing, and instead ducked back into her room to grab her headphones.

Her headphones were a necessary item when going to the store, mostly because she could blast music from them and ignore everyone, but also because they muffled the general noise of the outside to a more acceptable amount.

Amelia typed out a list of what she needed on her phone before switching to Spotify and putting on her usual playlist. She slung her jacket on and made sure she had everything she needed before starting the usual slog of attempting to open and close her apartment door. The wood shook in the effort it took to close the door behind her, the sound of her music drowning out the usual groaning sound of the door that accompanied such a task.

As she made her way down the empty hallway, through the door and to the stairwell, Amelia felt her head lurch as she stared down the flights of stairs winding down to the bottom of the building and thought maybe I shouldn't have smoked the whole thing. She made her way down the stairs with more care than she would usually give them, if only because she didn't want to slip and eat shit on cold, hard concrete from another potential dizzy spell.

The cold bit at her exposed face as she made it to the ground floor in one piece and shouldered her way outside. She wrapped her jacket further around herself, hands buried deep in her pockets to try and preserve what little warmth she had. Her fingers pressed against the volume button on her phone, turning up the music so that the noise of the howling wind around her faded into soft guitars instead. The walk to the store wasn't a long one by any means, but it was still a good fifteen minutes or so from her apartment, depending on the traffic. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but Amelia was still feeling that lingering frustration from even having to go outside on her day off and she wasn't doing anything to tamp it down, letting it fester in her chest. She ground her teeth together as she walked down the street, head dipped low, glaring at the pavement.

She spent a little extra brain power putting one foot in front of the other, if only because she could feel the familiar drag of her feet as the feeling of her legs being weighed down came at her all at once. Her legs felt like they were made of stone as they rose and fell with each step and she silently cursed herself for not at least waiting until she'd sobered up before going out. Her mistake. It was too late to turn back now, though. With a determined set of her jaw, she soldiered on.

Her head swooped every time she walked off the curb to cross the road, she barely even spared a thought to check for cars before doing so. Her mind was set on the task ahead- get to the store, buy her groceries, go back home, make herself something to eat before that feeling in her stomach became a lot worse than the lingering nausea that it currently was. And maybe lay down for a bit too. Wait no, if she lay down then she'd get the spins, better to be sitting up and then maybe she could get through her dizziness without upchucking. Eating was the best course of action right now.

The sight of the store in the distance filled her with relief, she wasn't even sure how she'd gotten there so fast, it had felt like she'd just stepped out of her apartment building, but she chose not to think about it too much. She just had to cross the car park to get to the entrance. As the pavement turned to gravel, then grass, and then back to concrete as she walked over the empty parking spaces, she was so close to her destination that she didn't notice the massive hunk of metal coming towards her.

A horn blared at her, startling her out of her determined power walk to the entrance of the store. In fact, it stopped her in her tracks altogether. She turned, bristling.

It was Lucia.

Of course it fucking was.

Maybe she could get out of this potential interaction, though? She raised a hand, possibly in acknowledgement of a familiar face, possibly a silent apology for being in the way, and continued walking.

The car pulled into the parking space she'd previously been occupying and she thought her impromptu plan had worked but a voice called out behind her, barely audible above the music in her ears, followed by the frantic slamming of a car door and footsteps rushing up towards her.

"Amelia!!! Wait up!"

She closed her eyes and counted to ten.

A hand came to rest on her shoulder. It felt white hot even against the several layers of clothing Amelia was currently wearing, turning her arm and shoulder to static and making her shiver involuntarily. The feeling of the extra weight on her shoulder was excruciating, making the hair on the back of her neck stand up.

She turned her head around to shoot daggers at Lucia as she shrugged off the hand, trying to tamp down on the panicked feeling that rose in her chest at the sudden touch. Trying not to let it show on her face.

"What?" she asked angrily, yanking her headphones so that they lay around her neck, the faint sound of her music playing in the empty space between them.

"What?" Lucia repeated, tilting her head to the side, "Can't I say hi after I almost hit you with my car? Also are you okay, I almost hit you with my car???"

Amelia's heart was still beating frantically in her chest at the sudden touch as she spun around so that her back was facing the taller girl.

"I'm fine" Amelia ground out, the usual tight feeling in her chest expanding as she tried to shake off the lingering traces of warmth on her shoulder. This was getting to be a bit too much and she needed to leave, so she started walking towards the store, not really thinking much about it, mind still set on getting some food. She was getting kinda hungry now.

Lucia matched her frantic pace with ease. Curse her impossibly long legs.

For some reason, it hadn't occurred to Amelia that Lucia would also be going into the store, even though she'd seen her park and there was literally nowhere else to go. It still pissed her off though, why couldn't Lucia just ignore her like everyone else did? Why couldn't she be left alone outside of work?

"Are you sure?" the taller girl was asking, "you seem kinda out of it today".

It seemed like Lucia wasn't going to budge from her uncomfortably close presence next to Amelia, or her barrage of questions, which meant bad news for the taut string that was currently Amelia's thinning patience.

She stepped into the store, winced at the flickering light by the entrance, and slid her headphones back over her ears, but turned her music off so that she could still hear Lucia for some reason. Her hands shook in her pockets, closed fists held tight enough that her fingers ached. It was somewhat of a grounding feeling, though, if she focused on that over everything else.

"I'm fine" Amelia grumbled out a reply, snatching up the basket Lucia had been reaching for, just for that little sliver of victory that came with it. She took out her phone and scanned her list, the light-headedness that had slowly been getting more and more intense made it difficult to fully make out the words. Her mind felt disconnected from her body- this was usually a nice feeling, but right now she felt extremely overwhelmed.

She should've waited til she'd sobered up. Then maybe she wouldn't have run into Lucia. She regretted everything she'd done to get up to this moment.

Lucia peeked over her shoulder as she was squinting down at her list, Amelia could feel her staring so she shut off her phone and started walking down the aisles.

"Why are you still following me" she snapped when she noticed Lucia tagging along behind her.

"Uhhh 'cause there's only one way I can go?" brown eyes stared at her, narrowing ever so slightly as they studied her face.

Amelia turned back around because she hated the way Lucia's eyes fell on her. It was already becoming so much, her chest felt heavy, she felt her eyes pricking, maybe with unshed tears of frustration, maybe from another migraine coming on, she wasn't sure. The only thing keeping her steady was her headphones and her hand not holding the basket, still clenched in her pocket.

It made sense that Lucia would go to this store for groceries, it was the town's token 'big store' and was where a lot of people shopped when they needed to pick up fresh produce but didn't want to go down to the market, where prices varied depending on what was being sold that day. But that didn't make her any less irritated, maybe it made her even more so, because she hadn't thought anything through and now she was stuck here, on the verge of a panic attack with the most annoying girl she'd ever met trying to talk to her. That last part wasn't true, she knew that deep down, but the longer Lucia stayed in her presence the more she was starting to believe it.

She wanted to get home, make something to eat and then cry in the comfort of her room, where no one would be able to see how weak and pathetic she was being.

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Lucia frown, scratching at her hair under her beanie and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper from the pocket of her windbreaker. Upon further inspection, it seemed to be an old receipt from the kebab a few streets over from the store, with small, tight handwriting on the back that Amelia assumed was some sort of makeshift shopping list.  She stopped herself from staring too long and started going about going down her own list.

"Heyyy...."

Amelia had almost made her escape, so close to freedom, but Lucia's voice stopped her in her tracks, almost involuntarily.

"What is it now?"

"Do you know where I can find coffee grounds? My roomie wants this specific brand and if I don't get it I think they might murder me" Her dark eyes were wide, her tone serious enough for Amelia to believe what she was saying might have some merit to it. "They have this super fancy coffee machine that I think they like more than me which- ouch- BUT it has to be a specific brand otherwise they say their coffee taste like dirt".

"What brand?" Amelia grunted, spinning round to snatch the shopping list out of Lucia's hands and finding that she couldn't read the spindly writing on the paper. Maybe if she helped her with this one thing she could be left alone faster.

"I'm sorry for bothering you so much" Lucia continued as she pointed to what Amelia was meant to be reading before pacing back and forth down the aisle and wringing her hands, "It's just that I've never been here before and I didn't realise how big this place would be! I'm not gonna lie, it's a bit overwhelming and I wanna make sure that my roomie gets what they asked for. I don't wanna fuck this up!!"

That....was something Amelia could understand to a certain degree, and a fraction of her irritation dissipated.

Lucia's pacing was making her anxious, though, so she tried to get the taller girl to stop moving and helped her find the brand of coffee grounds she was looking for. Lucia thanked her profusely, apologising for inconveniencing her with a guilty little quirk of her lips.

But in all honesty, Amelia was starting to feel better. Keeping her mind focused on translating Lucia's shopping list was a good distraction from the overwhelming feeling of her body and the sights and sounds of the store. And even if Lucia's voice was grating on her nerves a bit, she found it to be less horrible than the shitty music that played through the tinny speakers or the general noise of the other shoppers nearby. Not that that meant anything. She wasn't making excuses.

The urge to get back to the safety of her apartment never left. The ache in the backs of her eyes never left. She needed to sit down, her legs felt too heavy for her body and her mind felt like she was trying to move through molasses but she didn't feel like she was about to have a breakdown in the middle of the store anymore. She tried to even out her breathing in the most subtle way she could so that maybe her hands would stop shaking too.

Lucia seemed to be hyper-aware that she was bothering Amelia, but it wasn't malicious. She looked guilty for taking up her time- like there were no ill intentions behind her actions that Amelia had been looking for before. Lucia seemed so genuine, speaking so softly, and Amelia had no idea what to think about it. About her.

It was what she'd been actively trying not to do, but apparently, she wasn't very good at it.

She ended up letting Lucia wander around the store with her, helping her go through her list, and grabbing stuff that she herself needed too. She told herself it was because of the calmness she'd managed to achieve by helping Lucia with this one simple task, keeping her mind occupied. She told herself that if she left Lucia's side, then the anxiety would come back.

That was all it was. She was using Lucia as an excuse not to delve back into the deep caverns of her mind, to think too hard about that tight feeling in her chest or the way her eyes were starting to focus and unfocus or the dull hum in her head that told her a headache was on the brink of the horizon. Maybe she should stock up on painkillers while she was here.

Lucia ended up checking out first and waited for Amelia in the car park after she was done too.

"I just wanted to thank you for helping me out back there," she said once Amelia had gotten close enough.

Amelia shrugged, staring at her boots. Her arms were already straining under the bags in her hands, plastic cutting against her palms in an almost-painful way. "Now you won't be so lost when you go back" she mumbled. She was itching to head back home.

"Yeah!" Lucia kicked at the pavement, her body swaying back and forth as if she were always in motion. "I was wondering if you wanted a lift back to your place. To return the favour".

Brown eyes met hazel and the two made eye contact for a few beats before Amelia looked away and glared down the street instead. As nice as that sounded, and as somewhat pleasant as her time with Lucia had been, she wasn't sure she wanted her to know where she lived. For some reason, that thought made her nervous.

"No, I'm alright. But...thanks".

Lucia tilted her head. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I don't live that far from here".

Amelia could feel Lucia's eyes on her for what felt like the hundredth time that day. She hated it.

"Okay well, I guess I'll give you this here then".

A rustling of a bag. Something held out for her to take. Without really thinking about it, Amelia adjusted the bags in her hands and took it from Lucia.

It was....a water bottle? Ice cold, refreshingly so, even in this weather. It felt cool in her hand. Since when had her mouth felt so dry?

She glanced up and Lucia was gazing down at her, a smug little smile on her face.

"Thought you might need it," she said lightly, unlocking her car and sliding into the driver's seat. "See you tomorrow!"

"Uh, yeah".

She stared at the water bottle for an embarrassing amount of time, her heart twisting at the oddly thoughtful yet confusing gesture before uncapping it and taking a swig.

Notes:

if i was lucia i wouldve. accelerated

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 4

Amelia shuddered awake the next morning. She sat up, drenched in a thin layer of sweat, dried drool stuck to the corner of her mouth and a weird pressure building up in her eyes that trickled down to her nose. She ran a hand under her nose and when it didn't come back with anything concerning she figured it was probably fine and rubbed the sleep from her eyes instead.

Blinking away the last traces of fuzziness from the corners of her eyes, Amelia yawned as she took in her surroundings.

For one, she wasn't in her bed, which was weird because she swore she remembered climbing into bed as soon as she'd gotten home yesterday. She didn't remember falling asleep, but that was pretty normal these days- her sleep schedule had been rocky for almost her entire life and she had a habit of passing out and then waking up hours later with no memory of doing so. As long as she kept to her strict set of alarms, this didn't affect her work routine.

The night terrors weren't new either. They lingered in the back of her mind while she was awake, just far enough that she acknowledged their presence but couldn't remember anything about them. They crept forward when she let her guard down, plaguing her only when she wasn't in her right mind to stop them. With the way she'd been randomly passing out from exhaustion, getting a grip on them had become increasingly difficult. Getting a good night's sleep had been hard for a while. She curled inwards, pressing her knees to her chest and resting her chin on top of them, groaning. The heels of her palms were pressed roughly into her eye sockets, trying to ease the pressure and part the fog that had settled over her.

She was cold- however she'd gotten to the sofa, which is what she'd found herself crammed into, she'd seemed to have forgotten to bring any blankets with her. How she hadn't woken up in the night from the chill was beyond her but it seemed to have settled itself comfortably in her bones instead, making her skin prickle.

Tired, weary eyes scanned the room, moving to the open curtains where early morning light trickled into the room. She didn't know what time it was. She didn't know what day it was. How had she slept for so long yet still felt like she hadn't slept at all?

It was a task to get herself standing once again. Her legs and arms protested as she slung them over the sofa, knees creaking as she hauled her body upwards. There was a faint burn in the muscles of her arms as she clung to the arm of the sofa to steady herself.

As she steadily began to wake herself up a bit more, a noise pierced through the silence of her apartment. It was enough to startle her out of whatever daze she'd been in once she recognised the source of it.

Her alarm.

"Fuckfuckfuck" she growled, forcing her legs forward towards her room where her phone was laying on the floor face down, alarm blaring into the wood.

How long had it been going off? She couldn't remember and it made her anxious.

She picked it up, flipped it over and then swore again when she saw the time. She wasn't late for work, which was good, but she was running out of time to get ready before she had to be at the mall. Turning the alarm off, she decided to skip her usual morning coffee in exchange for a shower in an attempt to at least try and look presentable and grabbed whatever clothes were on her bed before sprinting into her bathroom.

The shower was a tiny square in her already tiny bathroom. Everything was jammed together, mere centimetres from each other so that there was barely any room to take more than two steps in any direction. She dropped her clothes on the closed toilet lid and peeled off her sweat-soaked shirt, tossing it out into the living room where it'd be picked up for laundry whenever she felt like doing it. 

In her momentary panic, she'd forgotten her heating still hadn't been fixed and it was the shock to her system she hadn't known she'd needed as she stepped into the weak stream and gasped as the ice-cold water hit her bare skin. She grit her teeth and tensed her sore muscles and went through the motions of cleaning herself.

The cold water helped with waking her up but left her shivering violently as she pulled on her semi-fresh clothes and stepped back into the living room to seek warmth, only to stop and swear at herself as she realised she'd forgotten to do the rest of her morning routine. She circled back around to cram herself back into her tiny bathroom.

Leaning against the sink, pressed up so close she could feel the chill of the porcelain through the thin fabric of her shirt, she did her eyeliner and glared at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. The bags under her eyes were usually pretty pronounced but right now she looked downright sickly in the faint desaturated light of the bathroom, giving her already pale skin a rather gaunt look to it. She splashed some cold water on her face, dabbed a bit of makeup under her eyes and then couldn't bare to look at herself for any longer and left the bathroom in a huff.

Her body felt frantic as she rushed to pull on her boots and find her jacket from wherever she'd dropped it before passing out the day before. She found it under one of the blankets on her bed and slipped it on, rubbing up and down her covered arms in an attempt to get some warmth into them. Her breath came out in short puffs of air, visible in front of her.

Amelia patted down her jacket pockets, checking she had everything she needed. Her wallet was still in one of the pockets she usually kept zipped up, and so were her work keys but the keys to her apartment were nowhere to be found and she felt the nervous static in her limbs grow in intensity as she searched for them. She threw off all the covers on her bed and shook each one, straining her ears for the telltale sound of a key hitting the hardwood floor. Nothing. She tossed everything back on her mattress in a pile and stomped into the living room to dismantle the cushions on her sofa instead. There was a good chance they'd fallen down the back of the sofa- it had happened before, maybe more times than she'd care to admit, but taking the time to check every part of the sofa was time that she did not have right now.

One hand tangled itself in her damp hair, tugging at the faded green strands in a way that would've been almost painful if Amelia had been more aware of what she was doing. Her blunt nails scratched against her scalp over and over, an anxious tick she'd never grown out of, a way to release the tension in her muscles that she'd never learned how to regulate.

She couldn't just...not lock her door. Even if it jammed and might seem locked to anyone attempting to open it, there was still that lingering possibility that someone could break in that drove Amelia crazy. It made her terrified. She couldn't leave herself in such a vulnerable position when this apartment was all she had left.

And so she didn't even bother checking the time, because if she didn't know how late she was running then it wouldn't be a problem until she next looked at her phone. She grabbed one of the cushions and heaved it onto the floor, peering down at the torn material and wooden structure of the sofa and wondering with a little bit of rising revulsion whether or not she'd have to stick her hand inside. The other cushion soon joined it and she perched herself on one of the arms to lean forwards and start her search.

The weak morning light that barely trickled far enough into her apartment to give the room a good source of light made it hard to see inside the sofa but Amelia's overloaded mind didn't stop to think about the simple solution of her phone's flashlight to solve that problem. She wasn't thinking straight, pissed off and still shivering from her cold shower, tired from her mini coma and lingering night terrors and trying to fight back the panic that was clawing its way up her throat that she was going to be late and disappoint Lilith even more than she had already.

She wasn't sure how long it had been, only that she was now laying on the dusty wooden floor of her living room, trying to stick her hands under the small gap between said wood and sofa to see if her keys had somehow been kicked underneath in her frenzy to get ready. It wasn't working as well as she'd hoped it would and it was making her mood considerably worse.

Moving her hand around under the sofa kicked up enough dust that Amelia sneezed, spluttering as she rose to her knees to wipe her dirty hands on her jeans. She took in a few deep breaths, trying to control her breathing. Tilting her head up, she stared at the ceiling and counted to ten, hands tapping her thighs rapidly to try and dispel the unwanted energy. She started rocking her body and then stopped, forcing her limbs to stay still, and then waited a second longer until she was sure she'd calmed down.

She hadn't calmed down, not fully. But it was enough to kick her brain back into gear and she stood up, moving to place the cushions back on the sofa and start looking somewhere else.

Something hit the floor with a little clank as she shoved the cushion back into place. She squeezed her eyes shut. And then realised she didn't have time for such theatrics and opened them to stare down at her key. A wave of an emotion she couldn't quite pinpoint hit her all at once but she managed to tamp it down. She sniffled- it sounded a little too wet sounding for her liking, and picked up the key.

***

Amelia hadn't even been that late. Her panicking had essentially been for nothing and she'd been overreacting. As usual. It just aimed to make her even more frustrated- but not at the situation. This was directed towards herself.

Stupid. Useless. Can't even stop to think critically about finding my own fucking key without panicking over nothing. How fucking weak. No wonder no one likes you.

She repeated that mantra as she walked through the empty mall towards Claire's, her boots pounding against the floor and echoing around the high ceilings.

It seemed like she'd been arriving to work in a bad mood for way too many days in a row now- something had shifted in her brain and any little attempt at happiness she'd been trying to give herself was quickly slipping through her fingers like sand. But really, the fact that she'd been trying was bad enough when deep down she knew she deserved everything that had happened to her.

"Mornin' kid" Eda greeted and she propped open the door to her Hot Topic, ready to open the store for the day. The older woman was generally pretty friendly towards her all things considered but she still felt weird about it.

Amelia acknowledged her with a nod, not wanting to stay and talk and just wanting to get the task of opening her own store over and done with so she could sit and stew behind the counter until Lilith came. As she fiddled around with her store key, her stomach cramped painfully and she winced, trying to swallow down the feeling of rising bile. She hadn't had time to eat or drink anything before she'd arrived and she wasn't sure she'd managed to eat a proper meal yesterday either.

This was fine. She'd go find something to eat on her break so she wouldn't pass out. In her haste to leave she'd forgotten to bring any cigarettes with her and for once she was almost grateful for it, since they tended to speed up her nausea more than help it when she got like this.

Inside Claire's was considerably warmer than the rest of the mall and Amelia found herself thankful that she could finally thaw her freezing limbs. She went about opening the cash register, sorting out displays and bumbling around the store aimlessly as she finished off her tasks but was still feeling too antsy to sit down. Once she'd warmed up enough, she hung her jacket up on its usual hook in the backroom and sat herself down behind the counter, ready to start the day properly.

Of course, traffic was slow. No one really came around to the mall unless they wanted to get something quick and cheap from the food stands or were passing through Bonesborough and wanted a break from driving. Because of this, Amelia didn't have to interact with a whole lot of people during her shifts, and that was how she liked it. Amelia wasn't a people person, but she liked money more than she wanted to curse out a stranger so she stayed on her best behaviour for Lilith when they did get the rare customer. She wasn't even sure how any of the stores in this corner of the mall were even still open, but she chose not to think too hard about it, since it meant she didn't have to look for another job.

She picked at the polish on her nails, her gaze drifting around the store and occasionally out into the mall when she heard voices. She watched people come and go, just the usual small trickle of people walking through for lunch, or as a shortcut to get to the other side of town. No one bothered her and she was left to her own devices. It was enough for her to fall into a sense of calmness, at least enough that if she didn't think too hard about what had happened that morning she didn't feel as upset about it.

Lilith arrived a few hours later and then vanished almost as quickly as she'd appeared. The older woman disappeared into Hot Topic and Amelia tensed, unsure whether or not to worry about any potential shenanigans that were about to happen.  Usually, she got a warning if it was anything particularly dangerous or illegal, so it was probably fine. She sat back, propped her boots up on the scuffed wood of the counter and watched the front of the Hot Topic with curiosity.

When her break rolled around and nothing seemed too out of the ordinary, apart from the strange look Lilith gave her that she couldn't quite decipher, she was let out to her own devices and decided to wander the mall in search of some late lunch.

The range of foodstuffs that you could find in the mall wasn't much. Most of it was located in the food court on the top floor of the mall, but there were a few smaller cafes and snack places close by to Claire's that Amelia liked to frequent. As she was walking to the pretzel place she liked, Lucia appeared out of nowhere, saw her, and jogged up to match her pace with infuriating ease.

"Hi! How are you feeling?" she asked. The taller girl was holding a coffee and a little paper bag with the Starbucks logo on it- an indication of where she'd been.

Amelia had no idea why Lucia would be asking such a thing, let alone something she didn't think she knew the entire answer to. That question had always seemed so...broad. Not something that could be answered with a simple 'I'm okay', because she was never truly in a state of being okay. Sure, maybe at that time she was feeling alright, but she knew from experience that her mood could shift drastically and that that might not be the answer in a couple of minutes' time. 

Right now Amelia felt tired more than anything else, but she didn't dare say that to Lucia. Answering that question with 'I'm doing bad' usually brought the follow-up of 'What's wrong?' or 'How can I help?' and that wasn't something Amelia wanted to deal with. Preferably ever. Especially not with Lucia.

 She liked to think she'd cleaned herself up enough this morning that she looked like a functioning member of society, so she answered with "I'm feeling okay" and tried to convince herself that she wasn't trying to deceive the girl in any way, just bend the truth a little bit. Because she was feeling considerably better than she had this morning, and that must mean something.

Lucia was looking at her as if she were trying to read her mind. She took a thoughtful sip of her coffee. "Where are you heading to?" she questioned, easing open the lid of her drink and blowing on it precariously as she walked. It made Amelia anxious to look at so she stared at her boots instead.

"I'm getting some food. I'm on my break".

"Mind if I tag along?"

For some reason, this startled Amelia ever so slightly. She hadn't known Lucia for very long, mere days if she were thinking about it on a more personal level than glaring at each other from the other side of the mall. Her track record with Lucia wasn't perfect and she couldn't help the wariness she felt in the back of her mind when the girl was talking to her, but it was an open invitation to actually talk to someone her own age, and there seemed to be no catch to it. So she swallowed down any doubts her brain was trying to supply for her, and agreed.

Lucia smiled at her, shoulders drooping as she let out a breath. Amelia had never made anyone make such an expression before, or at least she couldn't remember the last time someone had directed a smile towards her that wasn't Lilth's usual tired one.

Her eyes darted over Lucia's face, searching for...something. She didn't know what she just knew that it was something she needed to do. And when nothing stuck out to her, or what she thought was nothing, she continued on, guiding them both towards her intended target to get herself a pretzel and maybe a coffee.

It wasn't the biggest meal, but Amelia didn't think she could stomach a whole lot right now, even if she knew she needed to eat. This would tide her over until she could go back home and maybe cook something for herself after work if she had the energy. Lucia waited in line with her, drinking her coffee and looking around, just content to people watch until Amelia bought her food and they went to go sit somewhere to eat.

The mall had a small section dedicated to seating- but it was a bit generous to call it that if Amelia was being honest. There were three benches stuffed into the corner closest to one of the mall exits, it was always drafty there and the least desired spot to sit but Amelia found herself trailing after Lucia anyways, if only because she was eager to get some food in her stomach. Part-way through their walk her arms had started trembling and if Lucia had noticed, she hadn't commented on it.

They sat opposite each other on the bench furthest from the exit in an attempt to at least conserve a little bit of warmth. Lucia was wearing a thick olive green army jacket and Amelia had forgotten to pick up her own jacket in her eagerness to get something to eat and was trying not to let it show.

Lucia sat the bag she'd been holding in her lap and rummaged around in it, producing a croissant that she dipped in her warm coffee and took a hearty bite out of. She chewed happily until she caught Amelia's eye and tilted her head to the side.

"What?" she wiped her face as if searching for crumbs that weren't there, a self-conscious tilt of her brow.

"Nothing!" Amelia snapped, taking a bite out of her salted pretzel and staring at her shoelaces, which were looking a bit loose. Now that they were here, eating together, she didn't know what to do with her body. Her limbs felt stiff. Robotic.

Lucia's leg started bouncing and Amelia's eyes darted to the movement. Faded denim jeans with tears in the knees so large that she could see warm sunkissed skin underneath. There were faint scars on Lucia's knees, the sort you'd get as a clumsy child, ones that told a story. She stared at that leg because it was better at staring at the face attached to it. The sound of Lucia's boot tapping against the floor as it rose and fell made Amelia's eyes twitch.

"Soooo" Lucia drawled, leaning against the wall, her beanie knocked askew, "have you considered my offer?"

"A little bit," Amelia said, not looking up but feeling Lucia's eyes trained on her. This was partly the truth, though she'd been actively trying not to think too hard about all that, because she didn't want to let herself get too comfortable with the idea of being on friendly terms with someone who might turn their back on her once everything had been sorted out between their respective managers.

"And....?"

Amelia opened her mouth to answer. And then closed it. Something twisted in her chest and she wasn't sure what it was. She was cautious, of course- she always was. But the hope in Lucia's tone was throwing her off in a way she did not like at all. Watching Lucia's boot tapping on the floor was starting to distract her so she raised her eyes to watch Lucia's hands wrap around her warm coffee cup, fingers brushing over the cardboard over and over again.

"Fine" she managed to spit out once the silence had drawn out for a rather uncomfortable time. The feeling in her chest shifted into something that felt considerably lighter but she didn't dwell on it for long, "I'll humour you in your plan to get Lilith and Eda to stop fighting. It'd mean less work for me in the long run".

Lucia grinned, shooting up from her spot, swinging her hands up and down in mirth and satisfaction at Amelia's answer. "Fuck yes!!! I knew you'd come around! No more smoke bombs!!!"

"That was only one time".

"One time too many for my liking" the taller girl stated as she sat back down and sipped her coffee like nothing had happened. Her eyes grew serious, more intense, "Seriously, that was kinda fucked up. Like, someone could've gotten really hurt and I don't want that to ever happen again.

Amelia nodded along, though she felt rather detached from the idea of people getting hurt. She got where Lucia was coming from, but that had never really been much of a factor since their corner of the mall was so barren most of the time. It's not that Amelia didn't care, it's just that she was being realistic. She didn't say any of that to Lucia, though.

She said, "Sure. So, what did you have in mind for your oh-so-important plan?"

"I have a few ideas but I wanna get some more context on the situation first, I think. That's where you come in!" she jabbed a finger towards Amelia, who closed her eyes and tried not to flinch at such a sudden movement towards her.

"Okay...what do you want to know?" she asked Lucia's finger a little warily, trying to calm down her rapidly beating heart.

"Oh! I have a whole buncha questions but I can't go over them now since Eda's expecting me..." Lucia's legs unfolded from the bench as she rose, gathering up her trash to throw away on her journey back. She glanced at her phone and frowned, "...In like, five minutes actually. But I was thinking we could talk more sometime after work?" there was that hopeful note to her voice again. It made Amelia's face feel hot.

Amelia wasn't sure how to feel about that idea, but it seemed like she couldn't walk anything back now that she'd agreed to everything. "What did you have in mind?" She stood up and followed Lucia back through the mall.

"We meet up for drinks," those brown eyes glimmered in the pale lights above their heads. One long arm crossed over to toss away trash and Amelia could feel the warmth coming from the other girl's skin, making her lean backwards. "Maybe this Friday? If you're not busy".

She wasn't busy- she was never busy outside of work. Her time outside of the mall usually consisted of rotting away in her apartment until she was forced to go outside either for work or to buy food. She didn't have any friends to go out with in the first place so why would she bother? It wasn't like Bonesborough had a ton of things to do. No interesting places to go, except maybe the market, but even then it lost its charm after the first few visits.

Her silence made Lucia continue talking, to fill in the gaps in Amelia's not-answer to her suggestion, "Unless you don't drink... Shit, I didn't think about that. We can go somewhere else if you don't wanna do that. Maybe to the beach? Wait it's almost winter....Or you could come visit-"

"No!!" Amelia said slightly too loudly as her mind finally caught up with her mouth, cutting Lucia off. "Drinks on Friday sounds good".

Lucia perked up, and that little lopsided quirk of her lips came back, showing off a dimple. Amelia stared at the floor, her hands bunching up into tiny fists. Clenching. Unclenching.

"Cool! Meet you after work on Friday?"

"Yup!" they rounded the corner and Claire's came into view. Amelia's body felt hot- way too hot for what the temperature in the mall currently was.

The prospect of spending time with Lucia outside of work was as tantalising as it was terrifying in every possible way. What had happened between them at the store didn't count, at least not in Amelia's mind. This was on their own terms, something Amelia had agreed to.

Why had Amelia agreed to it in the first place?

Maybe it was the way her body was craving the company of someone like Lucia. She'd spent almost a decade around people so much older than her, barely seeing anyone who was remotely her age. Not interacting with anyone for that long a time did something to a person. Amelia didn't want to get her hopes up that this was different from all those other times, because there would always be that doubt and she would always let herself indulge in it.

But maybe, just this one time, she'd give herself a break from the caution.

Amelia stepped into Claire's and wiped her unreasonably sweaty palms down her jeans. She took her seat behind the counter and ignored the raised brow Lilith shot her before disappearing into the backroom. She propped her boots up on the counter and sighed deeply through her nose. She supposed this day could've ended worse.

Notes:

soooo the toh finale huh??? (I AM INCONSOLABLE)

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 5

It was with the feeling of impending doom that Amelia found herself loitering outside Hot Topic once Friday rolled around.

The week had been....uneventful for the most part. There had been an incident part-way through where Eda had walked into the store, looking around, whistling and just generally making herself appear very very suspicious, but that wasn't anything new. She'd caught Amelia's eye and smiled that devious smile she always wore when she was about to do something stupid, and asked where Lilith was in the most innocent voice she could muster. At that point, Amelia had learned not to ask and just play along, since that was the only way to not get involved in any more bullshit than she already was, and had jabbed a thumb towards the backroom with a yawn.

Forbidding Eda from the Claire's backroom was an impossible task. Back when Amelia had been younger and abided by the rules on a much stricter basis, she'd tried to stop the older woman from entering it. Walking into Claire's and seeing a grown woman with greying hair trying to dodge around an angry black-clad teen must've been a sight to see and looking back on it, Amelia was embarrassed at how serious she'd been about the whole thing. Now she knew it was easier to just let the woman do whatever she wanted. She didn't really give much of a shit anymore.

She had, blissfully, not been present for any of what happened next, which was how she liked it.

Smoke had trailed out from under the backroom door for several hours after Eda had entered, but it didn't smell like fire so Amelia didn't bother investigating. When her shift was over she had creaked the door open, poking her head in to look out for any potential dangers, hoping for a quick escape. There had been nothing of note but Amelia didn't stick around long enough to find out if that was fully true or not. She'd grabbed her jacket and scampered off without looking back.

Her interactions with Lucia had been blessedly sparse as well, it seemed like now that Lucia was getting used to the routine of work, Eda was adding more pressure, just ever so slightly. Enough that their breaks very rarely lined up with each other. Enough that they would exchange looks across the mall from each other from their respective stores, and Lucia would smile that crooked smile at her and Amelia would look away, because that was far too much to be looking at that early in the day.

It wasn't until the day after the mysterious backroom incident that Lucia spoke a word to her. 

She'd been sitting outside in her usual spot in the mall car park, smoking the blunt she'd remembered to bring that day, leaning against the wall and gazing up wistfully at the seagulls flying around above her head. She'd barely registered that someone was nearby, too busy letting the floating feeling in her head take over, and flinched once she noticed the shadow obscuring the weak afternoon sunlight trying to trickle down from the clouds. It looked like it might rain later.

Lucia said, "Fancy seeing you out here" and promptly slid down the wall so that she was sitting at Amelia's side, her long legs splayed out in front of her, boots tapping together.

"You're the one who had to make the effort to walk around the mall to get here" Amelia grumbled tiredly, but she'd smoked enough to humour Lucia, at least for a little bit. She took a drag of the blunt.

"Okay, got me there!" those brown eyes found Amelia's, drifting down to her hand. "You're smoking weed at work?" she asked, her tone was not accusatory, but Amelia still felt herself tense up.

"What? You gonna tell someone?"

"No! I'm not a snitch!" she had sounded a little offended by that. "I wouldn't mind a hit, though".

"..."

"What?"

Amelia slid the blunt between her lips, considering, as Lucia raised a brow at her.

"So you'd snitch on me for the smoke bomb thing," she said, each word creating a billow of smoke as she breathed out, "but not for smoking weed on my break?"

"I wasn't actually gonna call the cops on you" Lucia leaned her head back against the wall, fingers sliding idly into the tears in her jeans.

"Really?" Amelia mused, unconvinced.

"Really! I was just trying to...I don't know? Intimidate you into not doing it again?"

That got a laugh out of Amelia, but she chalked it up to being kinda high and nothing else. Lucia was looking at her again, a slight quirk to her lips.

"Must be the good stuff if that got you to laugh," she said teasingly.

"Fuck off" Even Amelia's words seemed to have lost their edge. Maybe she needed to stop smoking. She flicked the ash off her blunt and considered it in her hand. "You couldn't be intimidating if you tried".

"Psh, you don't know that. I can be scary when I want to!"

"Mmmhm".

"Whatever" From the corner of her eye, she saw Lucia cross her arms in a huff. "Can I have a hit or not?"

Amelia was not one to share. It wasn't like she was particularly fussed about sharing a blunt with Lucia, because she wasn't a complete stranger and for some reason that made it more acceptable in her mind. But still... it felt. Strange. Not intimate per se, but something similar to that. Lucia wasn't anything to her. Lucia meant nothing to her. She'd be wasting the blunt if she let Lucia take a hit.

She mumbled, "Sure" before the slog of her brain had caught up with her mouth, and pressed her lips into a thin line as Lucia took the blunt from her hand.

The taller girl had just sorta...stared at it. Long enough that Amelia growled, snatching it back to relight the damn thing so she could actually smoke it. She didn't know why she'd handed it back. She could've just put it back in its little tin and walked off without another word and it would've been fine. But she found herself enamoured, in a weird sort of way, watching Lucia study the blunt between her fingers like it was some sort of foreign object.

"What the fuck are you waiting for?"

Lucia had turned to her, and then back to the blunt, sticking it between her lips and taking an experimental pull. The tip lit up a vibrant orange, smoke rolling out into the sky as Lucia immediately started hacking up her lungs.

"W-what th-f-fuck" she spluttered, turning away from Amelia to spit onto the concrete, a noise that sounded dangerously like a gag. "Is it meant to hurt?"

"Is it meant t- Is this your first time????"

"Uhhh" another cough, "maybe?"

"You're a fucking idiot" Amelia growled, holding out an impatient hand for the return of her blunt. She wasn't angry, just...exasperated by the other girl, who she was sure was just putting on the dramatics at this point. No one clutched their chest like that, come on.

"Hey, it's not my fault, maybe you just rolled a shitty blunt" Lucia complained, handing it back and repositioning herself against the wall.

"Fuck you! My blunts are fine!" she defended, her hands squeezed into fists, shaking menacingly at Lucia. "You were doing it wrong asshole".

Lucia cleared her throat, seemingly recovered, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she narrowed her eyes at the taller girl.

"Then show me how to do it".

"...What?"

"Show me" Was it just her or was Lucia leaning closer? Was it just her or could she feel the warmth from Lucia's body, thawing the chill that had settled over her skin? She could see every colour in Lucia's eyes as they shone in the weak light. The clouds were starting to grow dark.

Amelia stared into those eyes, searching for something. Something she couldn't find. Fear crept its way into her chest, a feeling she couldn't quite pinpoint trailing after it, filling her limbs with static, coiled up tight inside.

And then they sprang. She had put out the blunt clumsily on the wall, throwing it into her pocket and standing up on unsteady feet. She said, "My breaks over, I gotta go", and then spun around to haul open the backroom door and disappear inside before Lucia could reply.

It was messy. It was embarrassing. Amelia didn't know why she'd done it but it was far too late to walk it back now.

She'd spent the rest of her shift pointedly ignoring the Hot Topic opposite her store, mind racing, heart beating so hard she felt nauseous. She went home that evening and lay in her bed with her headphones on, blasting music so loud it made her head ring. Anything to not think about those brief but intense feelings that had flashed across her chest.

So yeah, it was Friday. Amelia had been shooed away from Claire's as Lilith had some late-night business to attend to and would be closing the store, but she couldn't go home, not yet.

It felt weird to loiter around this part of the mall when she wasn't working, but she'd told Lucia she'd wait for her here, so Amelia did just that. Waited.

Standing still had always been difficult so she paced back and forth, not really staring at anything in particular, eyes flitting around as people went about their business, getting ready to close down stores, going home for the night, making dinner plans. Amelia paced back and forth and back and forth, watching her boots, the floor, hearing the sounds of chatter nearby, the sounds of big metal shutters being closed over storefronts.

She thought about the fact that Lucia had told her to meet her here, and had not further explained where they were actually going, which was a bit ominous, but 'going out for drinks' only meant that they had a select few places to actually go that sold booze. And if this was just some ploy to get Amelia somewhere dark and quiet to murder her, then she supposed that was fine too.

"Bye Eda!"

The voice she'd been waiting for appeared at the entrance of Hot Topic, shoving her nametag into the pocket of her windbreaker, bag over one shoulder and waving back into the store.

"Bye kid, be good!"

Lucia laughed, "Always am!!"

Inaudible muttering followed, which just made Lucia grin harder.

Amelia came into view and the attention was drawn to her, making her shrink back under those intense eyes. She stood there, unsure if she should be saying hi or something, or just start walking out of the mall so Lucia could take them to their destination, but the taller girl opened her mouth and spoke instead.

"Thanks for waiting for me, I hope I didn't make you wait for long" A hand shoved its way under Lucia's beanie to scratch at her hair, her grin turning more apologetic.

"Um. Hi," Amelia said, deciding on the greeting after all. "No, I didn't have to wait long".

"Okay good! You ready to go?"

Amelia nodded and the nervous quirk of Lucia's lips fell ever so slightly. The taller girl started walking towards the mall exit and Amelia rushed up to keep pace with her, hands clasped in her jacket pockets, trying to fight away the waves of nervousness threatening to make her run off.

There was nothing to be nervous about! She knew that, she needed to convince her brain that that was something she knew, though.

This was just an outing between two employees trying to get their managers to stop fighting. In all senses of the word, this was strictly for business purposes, nothing else.

Amelia struggled to keep pace with Lucia as they walked out of the mall and into the dim evening light. It wouldn't take long for it to get dark, especially around this time of year. The sky was already starting to turn a deep black, the smell of rain was in the air. Lucia glanced at her from the corner of her eye as they waited to cross the road and Amelia refused to acknowledge to look, instead glaring at a random storefront on the other side of the street.

They walked in silence, which was fine because Amelia had no idea what to even say. She'd never been good at holding conversations but right now that stuck out more than ever. Her palms felt sweaty so she took them out of her pockets to cool down in the evening air. She'd been picking at her nails all day, a nervous habit, and they felt sore.

Turning down the street, walking towards the ocean, Amelia had a better idea of where they were headed. She'd been living in Bonesborough long enough to be familiar with all the landmarks and had been able to drink long enough to know where all the pubs were. Not that a legal drinking age had stopped her before, but having retired her fake ID, she felt like she could actually go to them without getting suspicious looks the entire time.

There was a nice pub down along the road that led to the beach- built in an old hotel that had gone out of business before Amelia had been born. Amelia hadn't been there a whole lot because it was rather out of the way of any of the main housing parts of the town and she didn't particularly like the idea of walking the half-hour home drunk at night, but she supposed today was a special occasion. She'd actually be going there with someone. Which was a big change for her.

As she recognised where they were going, her pace sped up and Lucia acknowledged it with a little smile. 

The wind picked up considerably the closer they got to the coast. The roads down this end wound down to the beach and docks, where boats swayed precariously in the breeze. Pavements turned to cobblestone as they got closer, dusty and damp as the air grew stale and salty. The clouds looked even darker here, like they were fit to burst any second.

A set of stairs told Amelia that they'd arrived- it led them upwards to a raised part of the street where the beer garden stood, tiny golden fairy lights wound around metal bars, various plants growing out of old brick and several people chatting away at the tables, seemingly unaffected by the growing cold. No one looked up as the two made their way up to the dilapidated building before them, just more faces in the crowd gathering on this chilly Friday night.

Lucia hopped forward so she could hold the door open for Amelia, who shot her an unimpressed look as she stepped inside.

It was leagues warmer inside, the general hubbub of people in the densely packed ground floor made quick work of Amelia's cold limbs, the chill on her skin dissipating into an uncomfortable sticky warmth instead. She followed Lucia through a door off to the side of the main entrance, and up several flights of stairs to the second floor, where there was a lot more open space to move around it. They weaved around the significantly smaller amount of people to order drinks at the bar. Lucia insisted on paying for the first round, and Amelia begrudgingly accepted, prattling out her usual order and turning away to gaze out into the pub as Lucia paid.

Friday nights were usually the busiest, but that applied to most establishments that closed late. Even then, Bonesborough was not a big town, and the pub still looked relatively empty for how big it was- the vast space given from the old hotel made for a large variety of seating, most of which was free as most people tended to hang around the bar or stay on the ground floor or beer garden. Amelia often wondered why such a place had even been renovated into a pub. It was definitely the largest in town, ripe for people passing through to stop for lunch or a drink, but even then, wouldn't a proper hotel have been more useful?

The history of this town had always fascinated her, she couldn't wrap her head around why it was the way it was. She liked it, in a way. But she also hated it. Living here was miserable. These old buildings had been turned into something they weren't meant to be- it was almost sad to think about what they could've become. Bonesborough had promise and Amelia felt like she was the only one who could see that.

She was nudged out of her daydream by a jab of Lucia's elbow. The electric touch was enough to knock some sense into her, and she grabbed her waiting drink and began to weave back around the tables to find somewhere to sit.

They settled into a booth a little ways away from everyone else- their own little corner. Amelia set her drink down and slid into the booth, Lucia sitting opposite her and settling comfortably against the soft seating.

Lucia's eyes darted to Amelia's drink- it was some sort of fruity bullshit cocktail with a high enough alcohol content to speed along that small window of time where Amelia would be too sober to hold a conversation that wouldn't be immensely awkward. She opened her mouth, about to say something-

"Not a fucking word" Amelia ground out.

Lucia's mouth snapped shut but twisted into an amused grin that made Amelia's skin prickle.

As quiet as it currently was, Amelia was not a big fan of coming to this particular pub on a Friday night, mostly because it was hard to get through the crowd of people who congregated by the bar, and the noise would send her into a panic if she stayed for too long. Drinking never helped with the general overwhelming feeling of being here, in fact, it might've made it worse, but that was something Amelia could deal with if it came to that. Right now she felt fine enough. She sipped on her drink, running her hands over the strange texture of the seating over and over again. It felt almost plastic but with a weird squishy texture, like a cushion.

Lucia wrapped her hands thoughtfully around her shitty piss-flavoured cider and dragged it closer to drink it.

"I've only ever been here once" she commented, her eyes had been darting around, looking at the old-school decor in wonder, as if she couldn't get enough, "but it's probably one of my favourite places in town. There's just something about it that's so...I dunno. Cosy? But in a weird way, I can't really describe".

"It used to be a hotel, back in the 80's I think," Amelia said around her drink.

"Why'd they change it?" those deep, curious eyes were focused on her now.

Amelia, feeling a little self-conscious, shrugged her shoulders up to her ears. "I'm not sure" she admitted, "I guess they weren't really getting the funds to keep it running or something?"

"That makes sense. I'd never even heard of Bonesborough before I moved here".

That was a confusing statement. Amelia tilted her head to the side and spared a short glance at Lucia before her eyes darted away back to where they'd been looking wistfully out the window near their booth. The streetlamps outside were just beginning to turn on.

"Then why did you move here?" it wasn't common to just...have someone come here by choice.

Lucia leaned back in her seat, the fabric groaning under her movements. "I thought we were here to talk about Eda and Lilith, not to learn about my mysterious backstory".

"Oh. Sorry for prying," Amelia's heart sunk into her stomach. She'd pushed too far and now Lucia probably thought she was weird, or too eager or, or-

"No, it's okay I don't actually mind!" the cider on the table shook with the force Lucia held out her hands to stop Amelia's spiral.

Frankly, Amelia didn't know why she cared so much about what the other girl thought. She told herself that over and over again as she forced her body to calm down. She didn't remember being so horrible at holding conversations in the past- even the brief ones she'd already had with Lucia. This felt different, though. This was just them. They weren't at the mall, forced together by chance because of their jobs. This had been by choice. A choice Amelia was struggling to remember why she made in the first place. She took another sip of her drink.

Lucia continued, "I guess it was just a series of lucky events that got me here" Her eyes were watching Amelia with an expression she couldn't decipher. It annoyed her how hard Lucia was to read- it scared her too, deep down. But it also captivated her. "Or unlucky depending on how you feel about Bonesborough".

Amelia swirled her straw in her drink. It was one of those striped cardboard ones and it was slowly turning into soggy paper the longer it was in the toxic sludge that was her drink. If Lucia was expecting her to talk, she didn't, unsure of what to say and still feeling a little put-off by what had happened.

She watched Lucia's fingers tapping against the pint glass as she spoke, "My roomie and I graduated this year. From Gravesfield uni if you know where that is".

"I think so...Gravesfield is pretty far from here isn't it?"

"Mmmhm! It was like a six hour car ride over here. Which was a whole thing.... but anyways, I was originally gonna stay with my mum for a bit until I figured out what I wanted to do next, but my plans changed over the summer" Amelia could hear her feet tapping on the carpet, leg bouncing as she talked. "How much do you know about Eda?"

The question came out of nowhere, so suddenly it left Amelia's head spinning. She'd been pretty content to just listen to Lucia's story, but now the conversation had seemingly shifted into something else and it was throwing her off.

"Hmm," Amelia hummed, to give herself more time to think, "Not a whole lot, I guess. I know Lilith is her sister and they both grew up here, I think? I never really thought to ask". Not that she would ask even if she wanted to- it felt rude to do so when Amelia herself had been so resistant to Eda's own inquiries.

Lucia looked at her thoughtfully. "I can work with that! Basically, it turns out she's a very old Noceda family friend! I think my mum and Eda were roommates at uni or something before she dropped out and they ended up keeping in touch. Apparently, she was there for my birth???"

It was interesting to know that Eda had lived a life outside of Bonesborough, though seemed like it had been a very long time since then. Amelia had always wondered what Eda's life had been before she'd shackled herself to the town- the older woman had always seemed like she wanted that life back, but something was holding her down. She didn't like to pry, but she allowed herself to indulge in a little speculation, especially when the Clawthorne sisters had been the only constants in her life for so long.

"So she offered you a job here?" she asked, putting the puzzle together in her head and still coming up confused.

"Yup!" Lucia popped the p with a little grin, "I'd actually never met Eda before but I knew about her, so it was nice to finally get to meet my sort-of aunt!" Amelia's face must've looked as lost as she felt as the other girl went on to elaborate, "I accepted the job 'cause I wanted a change of environment y'know? Being stuck in one place for so long was really getting to me and I've never lived by the coast before! It was an exciting opportunity".

No one had ever called Bonesborough 'an exciting opportunity' before but Amelia supposed she couldn't fault Lucia's optimism. Someone here had to have it.

"At first I was gonna be staying with Eda but it turns out my old uni flatmate got a job the next city over and we figured it'd probably be cheaper rent-wise to stay in Bonesborough together" Lucia kicked her feet back and forth, a happy little smile on her face, "I guess I just got super lucky! We scored a pretty decent apartment here too, with Eda's help" she finally took a sip of her cider, "So yeah, I guess that's the reason I'm here!"

Knowing Lucia had come here by choice made Amelia's chest tighten. The girl had a fucking degree and yet...chose to come to this tiny town in the middle of nowhere to what? Hang out with her estranged aunt? She tipped her glass towards herself to take another drink and froze when she realised it was empty.

She used this as an excuse to rise from her seat and order another drink. Her head swayed as she stood, taking her empty glass with her and winding back the way they'd come to the bar. 

It hit her that the only thing she'd eaten today had been a pastry Lilith had left out for her during her break once she realised that her tipsyness was actually edging into something much more intense than it usually was after one drink. She swore at herself for being so careless, and ordered another drink anyways, since she was already there, in the hope that it'd get rid of that weird feeling in her chest.

Lucia was being so open with her already, sharing so much of herself with someone who could still be considered a stranger at most. It made her feel guilty in her reluctance to share more about herself- but sharing what she'd gone through usually just pushed people away once they realised how annoying it had made her to be around. Too needy. To sick.

If Lucia wanted to share then she was more than welcome to, Amelia would be lying if she said she wasn't curious about the girl. But if Lucia expected that back, then she was sure she'd just be one more person Amelia had disappointed in the already very long list.

She took her time walking back to Lucia, the slog of her limbs moving against the fog in her brain made it hard to remember where exactly they'd been sitting. It sucked how hard it was to tell how tipsy you were until you were standing up, and she practically fell into the booth once she saw the telltale sign of Lucia's dumb red beanie.

Lucia shot her an amused smile, "You okay there?"

"Mmhm" She felt pretty good right now. Warm, even. The muscles in her limbs relaxed as she slumped against the seat, gazing over her shoulder out the window.

It had grown dark enough that Amelia could barely see outside now- the only visible parts of the street were the constant orange glow of the streetlights. Amelia stared at her reflection for a few beats, before the deep crackling sound of thunder startled her out of it.

"Oh shit" Lucia leaned forward to get a look out the window, "I didn't think it was gonna storm tonight"

"Didn't you check the weather?" Amelia asked offhandedly.

"I mean- yeah. But I swear it just said a light drizzle" She took out her phone, placing it on the table and tapping through it with one hand, the other still around her half empty pint glass. "I told Sal I didn't need them to pick me up 'cause I don't mind walking in a little bit of rain, but if it's gonna be heavy then I may as well ask for a lift back" she mumbled, as if talking to herself rather than Amelia.

A flash of lightning lit up the dim room in a bright white light, followed by even more thunder. The sound of raindrops hitting the windows was calming- Amelia had always liked falling asleep to the sound of rain. It was a bit more difficult to do if her apartment was freezing cold, though, and she dreaded having to go back and wrap herself in her immense number of blankets to preserve what little warmth she could. Walking back home in the rain definitely wasn't the plan for the evening, but she supposed she could just do that round of laundry she'd been meaning to do tomorrow to clean her damp clothes...and everything else. It was the excuse she desperately needed.

"Anyways!" Lucia slid her phone off to the side and Amelia spared a glance at her. "Where were we?"

"Uhhh you were talking about Eda I think?"

"Right! Eda's pretty much the reason I'm here, so I think for my sanity and probably yours too, it'd be good to come up with a way to stop her and Lilith from doing their illegal shenanigans. That's my pitch!"

"And how do you plan on doing that?"

"Well here's the thing, I actually didn't know Eda even had a sister until I moved here. My mum told me they'd stopped talking over something, don't know what, and Lilith moved away while Eda stayed in Bonesborough. If I ask Eda for any more details she gets super cagey about it and changes the subject" She paused her speech to take in a breath, "So I was thinking you could ask Lilith about it?"

"No".

Lucia wilted. "Why not?"

"I c- I can't just ask Lilith something like that???" she was shocked to think that Lucia had even dared ask Eda such a personal question. "Not everyone gets along with their siblings" She hesitated. Swallowed. "Maybe it's just that".

"It's gotta be something deeper, though. Siblings don't just...throw smoke bombs at each other for fun. At least in my experience, which I think is universal for the most part".

"I don't know...."

Lucia gave her a look.

"I'm just saying!!" Amelia tapped her fingers anxiously on the side of the table, attempting to defend herself.

"You're close with Lilith, right?

"It's....complicated" Her tapping increased.

Lucia's eyes darted to the noise and she forced her hands to stop moving, feeling the usual increase of pressure in her chest at doing so. She didn't like where this conversation seemed to be heading. The rain pattered insistently against the window, the noise filling her brain with white noise as she tried not to flinch under Lucia's curious gaze.

"Well, maybe you should think about it, even if you don't end up doing it," Lucia said after an uncomfortably long pause, a question on the tip of her tongue that she didn't dare ask but Amelia could see that it was there.

"Okay," she agreed with no intention of following through with it. She sucked down more of her drink so she didn't have to say anything else.

More thunder, Lucia glimpsed out the window, her mouth tilting downwards.

Amelia was certain that she'd somehow blown it. She'd...failed at this interaction and now Lucia would never talk to her again. She hated saying no to people, it was just in her nature, but when things got to this level of personal she had to put her foot down. She couldn't risk ruining the fragile relationship she'd built with the only person in Bonesborough who truly knew what was wrong with her. She was tipsy and sad and overwhelmed and most importantly- very very upset that she'd let herself come here.

The conversation died down as the two watched the rain. Amelia slid her hands under her thighs in an attempt not to fidget- a habit she'd picked up as a kid when every adult in her life had told her she needed to sit still. She still twisted in her seat, trying to undo the knot in her chest, trying to stop her legs from moving. Sitting still and waiting for something to happen. Something that indicated that Lucia wasn't angry at her for not agreeing to her plan. Something. Anything.

With the last of Lucia's cider drained away, she turned from the window, "Maybe we could just, I dunno? Refuse to be a part of whatever dumb plans they cook up? I mean, it wouldn't stop them from doing it themselves, but maybe if they have both of us refusing then they'll realise how stupid all this really is" she finished with a little halfhearted shrug.

"Maybe," Amelia said doubtfully,  "But they're both really stubborn".

Lucia sighed, running a hand down her face, "Yeah, true. God, this is harder than I thought it was gonna be. I thought my stay in Bonesborough was gonna be peaceful, I didn't sign up for any of this shit".

"Neither did I" The rain wasn't easing up and Amelia could tell it was getting late. She dreaded the walk to her apartment, hoping that her jacket would be enough to keep her from the brunt of the rain and wind. She cleared her throat nervously, "They've been at this for a really long time, though. I think this is something too big for us to just...stop by ourselves. At least not fully".

"I know you're right but that won't stop me from trying".

There it was again. That optimism. Amelia would've appreciated it more if it didn't come from trying to pry into the lives of the people who employed them. If she thought about it like that, then maybe this hadn't been such a good idea in the first place- if she lost her job her life was pretty much over.

She couldn't stop the doubts. What had made her agree to spend time with Lucia outside of work was something she wasn't sure she wanted to think about right now. All their past interactions combined, she still couldn't gauge what Lucia's intentions were. She couldn't tell what Lucia thought of her. It made her anxious.

They talked for a little while longer- light conversation that Amelia did not find much comfort in. The wind had started howling, audibly even through the windows. The people on the second floor filtered out to a few stragglers as the night went on, and Amelia was on the verge of tearing her hair out at all these feelings going through her mind.

She almost collapsed with relief when Lucia glanced down at her phone, then squinted at the window and said, "I better get going if I want that lift back. Don't wanna keep Sal up too late" She turned to Amelia, a tiny half-smile on her lips that lessened some of the pressure in her chest ever so slightly.

"Yeah okay, I should probably go too" She stood up, gathering her jacket and making sure she still had everything in her pockets before slipping out of the booth.

It was pouring outside, which didn't come as a shock to either of them as they stood under the overhang, in the dying golden light of the pub where Lucia asked one final question.

"Do you want a ride back to your place? I don't know how I feel about you walking back in a storm by yourself" Those wide brown eyes. They were too much.

Amelia gazed out at the dark streets she'd walked through countless times. "No, I'll be okay".

"I- I'd really prefer it if you let me do this for you, just this once".

"Won't your housemate be mad?"

"Nah, Sal won't mind" a reassurance. One that almost made Amelia's resolve crack. She really didn't want to walk in the rain, no matter how she felt about Lucia.

"...I'll wait with you until they're here" she decided.

There was a hopeful glimmer in Lucia's eyes at that answer, and Amelia felt herself starting to calm down.

Maybe...Lucia didn't hate her. Maybe that trace of disappointment in her face hadn't been there after all. Amelia didn't like to let herself hope such things but the alcohol in her system was making it hard to argue against that point.

A car pulled up to the pub, the same one Lucia had been driving when she'd run into (almost run over) her at the store. Lucia immediately perked up as the door opened and a figure stepped out, raising her hand in greeting and striding forward to meet them at the car. She looked back at Amelia, a silent question.

But Amelia wasn't looking at Lucia.

The figure- tall and broad-shouldered. Round glasses that glinted in the soft light, familiar choppy black hair. They were looking straight at her.

Of course. Of fucking course.

Notes:

hope this chapter is legible enough. i am so freaking seepy rn but i wanted to get this out !!!! we're gettin to the real meat of the fic now >:33

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 6

"Huh wha- Amelia????" Lucia frowned, confused.

Amelia's boots slipped on the wet steps as she ran down them as fast as her body would allow. Out from the overhang, the rain hit her all at once,  soaking her down to her bones. She heard Lucia's voice call out her name once again, but it was barely heard over the harsh ringing in her ears and her own ragged breaths.

She...she couldn't breathe. Fuck.  Her shoulder hit the side of a building, knocking her off balance and her hands hit the ground before the rest of her body followed. Mud caked her palms as she struggled to get up, her jeans soaked by the wet cobblestone. Her breathing had become ragged as panic set it, letting out sharp, wet breaths, trying to get enough air in her lungs to calm herself down. To get up and go somewhere safe.

She was only vaguely aware that she was crouched on the side of a street in almost pitch-black darkness in the middle of a storm. Her soaked body was growing numb, in a way she knew meant bad things. She could barely feel the ground under her hands. Couldn't hear the wind blowing her hair into her eyes.

This was bad. She usually didn't lose control like that- it was normally a slow process. A feeling in her chest that expanded over time until it overwhelmed her. Until it forced her to separate herself from whatever she'd been doing, to find somewhere quiet to sit it out by herself. This was new. This felt far more intense. Far too big for her body, like it was about to swallow her whole.

A horrible, sickly feeling of guilt made her squeeze her eyes shut hard enough to see stars. She dry-heaved onto the pavement but nothing came out. Her head spun, and she crouched lower to bury her head in the damp sleeves of her jacket, not caring how wet she was anymore. The rain pounded relentlessly on her back, unforgiving. Pale hands gripped at her stringy hair-beyond damp from the rain at the point. She pulled at it until her skull ached, and then dug her hands into her scalp. The pressure made her blink back tears, though she wasn't sure if it was actually from the rain or not.

She wasn't sure how long she'd stayed there in that prone position on the ground, listening to the sound of her own uneven breaths and the harsh ringing in her ears.

It's always something she thought bitterly, sniffling, shaking, freezing cold but not daring to move. Why did it have to be this? Why now?

Bonesborough was a town you went to when you didn't want to be found. It was somewhere you were able to keep some modicum of anonymity, blend in with the crowd. It was somewhere Amelia had ended up because there was nothing left for her. Or so she'd thought.

There'd always been that little trickle of doubt in the back of her mind, even after all this time. That doubt often manifested into deep-rooted guilt. Something that paralysed her with its intensity. It made her feel sick, it made her want to turn back, to try and fix what she'd purposefully broken.

Amelia had left a lot of things behind, and what had hurt the most, out of everything, had been the look on her best friend's face the last time they'd met up. That hopeful gleam in their tired green eyes, the promises Amelia had given them. She didn't expect them to be here of all places. Amelia had thought that being ditched by her was probably the best possible thing to happen to them. They could finally live out their life without being dragged down by her own shortcomings.

Her shortcomings now included shaking and shivering on the pavement of a random street in Bonesborough, tipsy and alone, trying to reign herself back in enough to orient herself so she could go home and probably cry some more. It wasn't working.

The usual intense knee-jerk reactions brought on by impulse more than anything else had never helped her but she especially felt that now. She did not need to run. She did not need to be reacting this way.

But then why did her lungs feel like they were about to explode- filling up with water, making it hard to breathe? Why were her arms shaking, struggling to hold her up, pressed hard against the concrete below her? The sharp sting of her nails pressing crescents into the soft skin of her arms, almost hard enough to draw blood but not quite there yet.

All because of someone she thought she'd never see again? Why? Because she'd thought they'd moved on to better things. Better places than fucking...Bonesborough. Perhaps it was the fact that even after so long she was still just some pathetic little girl that hadn't moved on. Stuck in the past forever. Stuck in her head.

Amelia Blight was simply not allowed shit. No matter how far she ran, something would always catch up to her.

At least it was them and not someone else her brain supplied, but it wasn't helping as well as intended. Sure, it was someone who had never hurt her in the past, but they had every reason to hurt her now. 

It was the deep rumble of thunder that startled her out of that spiral before it got too deep, so close to where she was that she felt it in the ground. The windows of the store beside her rattled ominously and she blinked back tears and stared at the wet pavement below her. Her body was shaking with an intensity she had never experienced before, her wet hair stuck to her face in clumps, and her clothes felt heavy on her body. Water had somehow seeped into her boots, making her socks stick to the bottom of her feet in that horrible way they did when wet.

She felt detached from her body like her mind was floating from above, looking at herself from a top-down point of view as she tried to unfurl her clumsy ice-cold limbs from the pavement and stand up. She felt herself falling to the side as her legs decided to give out, her palms still stung from her previous fall but she managed to catch herself before she hit the ground once again. It took a few more tried to stay upright, her head swam with each movement and she could barely feel her limbs, though if it was from the cold or not she couldn't tell.

Re-orienting herself was proving to be difficult. It was dark and the rain obscured a lot of distant landmarks, making it hard to place where she was. She blinked slowly, trying to get her mind to focus, and turned lazily to glance at up the storefront that had saved her from eating shit on the pavement more than once.

It was a... she wasn't entirely sure what it was- or what it used to be. The windows and entrance had been boarded up, the wood looking mouldy and aged and warped because of the constant rain. The wooden foundations looked like they were straining under the weight of the building, once vibrant pain chipped so badly Amelia couldn't even tell what colour it was meant to be. Blacked-out windows made it impossible to see inside, but it wasn't like they were tinted, more so that someone had manually put up something the block the view from inside, though they'd done a poor job of it.

There was a faint light coming from inside, but Amelia couldn't tell if it was the glare of a streetlamp, her eyes playing tricks on her or an actual light. Either way, this just made her even more confused. She couldn't wrap her head around where she was, even with the initial panic slowly but surely receding from her mind.

Amelia looked back down the street she'd come from. Maybe if she backtracked she could find something she recognised and work her way back from there? She took a step forward, her boots slick and slippery, the faint squelching of her socks fuelled the regret in her chest.

Walking didn't feel like the right word to use for how she moved. It felt more like she was floating- floating on her back in a river to a destination only it knew. Half of her mind was trying to tell the rest of her body that she was real, trying to bring back sensation in her shaking limbs. The other half was content to watch as she stumbled forwards in her dazed state, that cynical part of her brain was trying to convince it that if she just...lay down and let the storm take her, maybe she'd feel better. She didn't listen to it.

She wiped absently at her face, unsure if the dampness was from the rain or tears- she couldn't remember if she was crying or not, but she hoped not. Crying was a weakness she'd never been able to afford. Crying over someone she'd forced herself to forget about was unacceptable in her mind. It was something sixteen-year-old Amelia would do and she was far beyond that point now. Or at least, that's what she liked to tell herself.

The rain came down hard and heavy, not stopping for this pathetic girl trying to walk down the street. Not stopping for anything.

Everywhere was empty and dark, there was not another soul out here in the storm. Amelia couldn't blame them- no one wanted to be walking in the rain. If she'd had a choice in the matter she'd be slightly warm at home right now, eating shitty microwave pizza on her bed and watching whatever random movie she'd decided to pirate for the night. She'd be buried under a mountain of blankets, falling asleep to the soft sound of rain outside, dry and safe and satisfied.

Such luxuries were never afforded to her, unfortunately.

The golden glow of the pub came into view and something in her chest panged uncomfortably at the sight. She had no idea how long she'd been out here, but it seemed like the pub was closing down for the night as the last couple stragglers finished off their drinks and ran out into the rain, into waiting cars that whisked them away so easily. So fast. Back to their own homes with working heating. Back to waiting families. Back to a warm, soft, cosy bed.

Amelia wanted to cry- this situation she'd got herself into was driving her mad. Her own stupid fucking brain wouldn't shut up. She really wasn't worth any of the effort the people in her life had put in to get to know her. If they could see her now they'd scoff at her and turn and leave. They'd laugh at her.

Even if she hadn't been a fucking idiot and ran from the problem at hand, it was unlikely they'd have given her a ride back to her apartment anyways, it wasn't like she was very deserving of such an act of kindness.

Now that she was here, though, it was getting easier to find her way back home. The familiarity of the streets was enough to combat the fog in her brain, just enough that she could put one foot in front of the other and walk towards the shitty rundown apartment building she had been calling home since she moved to Bonesborough.

It took her three tries to slot her key into her door once she dragged herself up the stairs of the apartment building, one slow step at a time, and down the hallway to her door. Puddles of dirty rainwater followed her the entire time, soaking through the already-stained carpet, leaving muddy footprints all the way up the stairs and to her door. She was sure her boots would need cleaning before she wore them next, but she had no plans to leave her apartment for the next few days if she could help it.

On the third try, the key went in with a satisfying click and Amelia began the process of trying to jam the door open using her body weight, leaving dirty smudges on the wood where her bare mud-soaked arms touched it.

Finally, the door flew open and she didn't have the energy to stop herself from falling to the floor. The noise of her body hitting the wood echoed around the open door and down the hallway and she sighed out a long, weary sigh, cheek pressed against the floor. She stayed there for a few beats before sitting up and swinging the door shut so she had a little more privacy.

It took her even longer to actually stand up and lock her door, but when she did, tossing her keys towards the sofa and not caring where they landed, she dropped her jacket to the floor, pulled off her boots and slunk towards her bathroom to examine the damage done from staying in the storm for so long.

The horrid yellow light made her want to rip her eyes out, a pained moan escaping from her lips as she clawed at the switch to turn it back off.

In the darkness of her bathroom, the only light coming from a lamp in the living room, barely leaking onto the tiled floor, Amelia stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair looked like shit- dark and soaked and sticking to her face, makeup running down her cheeks, dirt smudged over her chin. Her arms and hands felt sticky and damp, dirt particles stuck to her wet skin.

She should shower, it was the most logical thing to do right now. But she just...couldn't bring herself to do it. She was so tired, a bone-deep weariness that made her feel so drowsy she could barely lift her head to level a glare at her busted reflection.

Amelia turned on the tap and let her sink fill up with cold water. She stared down at it, breathed out through her nose, and began splashing her face and arms until a good majority of the mess had gone. That was good enough for now, she figured. It was all she could do.

Moving to her bedroom, she turned on her bedside lamp and pulled her shirt off over her head. It was beyond damp at this point, heavy in her hands. She hung it on her cold radiator, not in an attempt to dry it but as a reminder to toss it in her laundry pile when she woke up. With no energy left, every single drop drained from her body, she barely managed to shimmy out of her jeans and change into something dry, slipping into bed and closing her eyes, letting her mind blank out as she welcomed a deep, deep sleep.

***

You feel the warm sun beating down on your back as you walk through the grass. It tickles your bare feet. You're not far from the manor- you're not allowed to explore the woods surrounding the property yet by yourself. It's something you've always been salty about, it's something you've always looked forward to doing when you get a bit older too.

"Do you mean it?" you ask, the hesitation in your voice noticeable to you both.

"Of course!" they say, their eyes wide, looking at you with such sincerity that you can't help but believe them.

They look so nice in the sun. Their green eyes glowing in the light, the flecks of brown and hazel and the faint traces of gold that can only be seen on days like these. They grin at you. Their dark hair is tied into braids down their neck. They promised to teach you how to properly braid but they haven't yet. They say you need to stop pulling so hard- it's hard to be gentle when you're so excited, though!

You let the hope of their words settle in your chest. It's a cosy feeling, like the warmth of a fireplace, a mug of hot chocolate on a cold day. You let yourself smile back, allow yourself this respite.

They hold out a hand. It's slightly calloused, sturdy, nothing like your hands at all. You love their hands, you take every opportunity they give you to hold them. Holding their hands feels like fireworks going off. A tingly feeling in your skin- at first scary and hot and bad, but now it's mellowed out into something so nice you can't get enough of it. It's cosy. A cosy feeling!

You normally don't like being touched but you make this one exception, a gift to yourself. You allow yourself to be pulled along by their hand connected to your own, the tug of their arm, the quiet swishing sound of two pairs of feet walking across grass. You feel yourself falling, the lurch of your stomach as if you're being pushed off a high ledge. Falling, falling, falling. You open your mouth to- what? Scream? No noise is coming out, though.

You feel yourself hitting the ground. Your arms sting and your ears are ringing. The smell of copper fills your nose.

***

Amelia gasped, as if coming up for breath after diving into a pool, as if this were the first breath she'd ever taken. She was crying. She didn't remember when she started, but she also didn't remember falling asleep. She felt cold, but she was always cold. This time it felt different, though.

Her hands curled into fists as she rode out the dizziness in her head. Her hair was a hazy mess of half-dry half-damp, sticking to her clothes, to her pillow, to her neck.

Something wet dripped down her chin. She lifted a hand to swipe at it, expecting a tear, or maybe snot, but when she raised her hand to her eyes she found blood, a deep red against her pale skin.

There was an ache behind her eyes that she knew wouldn't go away so she didn't bother acknowledging it past that. It's just going to be one of those days, she supposed as she lifted herself out of bed to gather up some tissues to wipe up her bloody nose.

Her apartment was freezing, the cold air against her bare arms made her acutely aware that she needed to put on more layers. The wooden floor was cold under her feet, sending chills up her legs. She made it to the bathroom in one piece, glaring at the mud stains in her sink from last night before grabbing a wad of tissue and dabbing at her nose. Her chest felt unreasonably tight.

It was the weekend and she took comfort in that knowledge. Lilith had given her the entire weekend off, a nice respite from the hectic few weeks she'd been having. She had plans to get things done today and by god was she going to try and do them- even after...everything that had happened yesterday.

Amelia frowned, tossing the soiled tissues into the toilet and flushing before washing her hands of any lingering dirt caked into her skin. She tried to sort through her muddled thoughts as she wandered into the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water, which she downed in a few long gulps and poured herself another. She was trying to figure out if she was hungover or not, or if it was just her body trying to hold itself together. Either one was a viable option- she'd forgotten to eat a proper meal yesterday and the cavern in her stomach was making itself very noticeable.

She ate a quick breakfast of stale days-away-from-growing-mould bread she'd smothered with butter and jam and another glass of water before changing into a comfy hoodie and sweats and shaking out the last of the tension in her limbs with a brief smoke. After, she wandered back into the bathroom to brush out the knots in her hair, clean the last of the makeup off her face and pointedly ignore the shower.

Laundry was at the top of her list of things to,the sole reason being that she was running out of comfy clothes to sleep in. Her favourite shirt had been soiled by the rain last night, hanging limply on her radiator. She knew if she left damp clothes around the apartment they'd grow mould on them, so this really was the most important thing to worry about right now.

Anything to take her mind off yesterday.

Her laundry bin was stuffed into a corner in the kitchen and she grabbed it, wandering around her apartment and picking up loose clothing until it was filled to the brim. With her detergent set on top, she placed it down to search for her keys.

Given the nature of her dogshit apartment building and dirt cheap rent, she did not have a washing machine in her apartment. There was a laundry room in the basement of the building, which was probably her least favourite place to go in the entirety of Bonesborough. But sometimes sacrifices had to be made.

The insides of her boots were still soaked through so she left them by the window in an attempt to get them to dry faster. She put on an extra layer of socks to walk around the building in so there was at least less of a chance of her getting some sort of disease.

She hefted her laundry out of her apartment, took extra time to lock up after herself, just in case, and started the long journey to the basement. Her headache persisted even after taking painkillers, like someone was trying to drill a hole into her skull. It made black dots dance in the corners of her eyes, a strange itchy feeling she couldn't get rid of without irritating her eyes even further.

The basement was accessed through the stairwell. There was a door off to the side where even more stairs brought you down to the building's lowest level, a series of dark corridors lit by harsh fluorescent lighting that made Amelia's headache considerably worse. They wound around the building, possibly some sort of tunnel network in times long gone from now- blocked off by mysterious doors with keycode locks and rooms used for storage. The laundry room itself was easy to find since it was the room closest to the entrance.

Amelia slipped inside and found it thankfully empty. She unloaded her laundry and sat by the machine on the cold stone floor as it did its round.

There was still a weird pressure in her nose that hadn't left since she'd woken up. It wasn't painful but the persistent feeling was annoying and made her constantly run a finger under her nose to check if it had started bleeding again. Her head hurt. The whirring noise of the washing machine wasn't helping.

She brought her knees up to her chest so she could bury her face between them, breathing in and out, in and out, feeling the strange pressure in her nose and the weight in her lungs. The faint trace of nausea was on the tip of her tongue, not there yet but on its way if she didn't do anything to stop it. Another glass of water was in order once she got back to her apartment.

Her nails traced idly up and down the sensitive skin of her neck, scratching at the undercut she desperately needed to fix. She needed to redye her hair soon, it was fading into a gross yellow-green colour that reminded her of vomit and she hated it. Ordering dye was always such a hassle though. Especially when the building didn't have any communal mailboxes for each apartment. Packages were left outside of doors and if you didn't get there fast enough then your mail would get stolen. Amelia had learned that the hard way.

She felt tired, enough so that moving for the rest of the weekend seemed like way too much of a chore to do once she was done with her laundry. Laying in her dark room sounded like a luxury right now.

Time seemed to warp as she sat there with her head bowed, hands moving through her hair, giving herself something to do, and textures to feel. Anything to calm her down, keep her sane. To stop her mind from wandering too far.

It was as if she blinked and her laundry was done. She piled it back into the bin and dragged it over to the dryers, in a smaller room off to the side of the much bigger laundry room.

Her apartment building only had three dryers, but that had never been much of a problem considering she never saw anyone come down here in the first place. She sat leaning against the doorframe, the tough fabric of the laundry bin between her fingers, rubbing it back and forth. She allowed herself to rock with the movements, because she was feeling very put off and no one was around to see.

***

Amelia was in her room, laundry basket propped against her bed, still full of fresh clothes she promised herself she'd put away once she wasn't feeling so shitty. Or...less shitty than she currently was at least.

The stain on her ceiling had darkened, possibly because of yesterday's storm, possibly because her upstairs neighbour was up to something nefarious. She watched it absently, tucked comfortably into bed with the lights off. Her curtains were open just a fraction, a sliver of light making everything in her room dim but visible. She had no idea what time it was and she liked it like that. It was probably some time in the afternoon and she didn't bother reaching for her phone to check.

She closed her eyes but she had no intention of sleeping, just to ease the ache. She let her mind wander, past the outskirts of what she'd been trying to avoid.

Dread pooled in her stomach at the thought of going to work on Monday. The look on Lucia's face was something she could see in her mind with crystal clarity. Disappointment. Anger. She'd never want to talk to Amelia again after their terrible little outing together.

But wasn't that what she wanted in the first place?

It had been. But now she wasn't so sure.

Notes:

im rereading the locked tomb books and they r infesting my brain with every disease known to man. dw tho ive written stuff in 2nd person pov before ive got this ;] (DONT ASK WHY)

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 7

The misery of it all never left. It never would. She was bound here by choice, forced to live out the rest of her life cursed by her own doing. It had been her fault. It was always her fault.

 Amelia didn't like to dwell on the past, especially when more pressing things needed to be addressed in the future, like making rent on time or remembering to eat three meals a day.

She lay in bed for the rest of the weekend, in a tomb of her own making- festering, stewing, rotting, thinking more thoughts than her brain could possibly catch up with. It was torture. She didn't know what to do with herself. She lay there, staring at everything and nothing at all, until her stomach started to cramp painfully enough that she couldn't lay any longer and got up to eat something. Afterwards, she slunk back to her room to continue her moping.

It wasn't that she was feeling sorry for herself because in a way, she was always feeling sorry for herself. More than anything she felt sorry for Lucia. For all the things she was bound to have been told, and all the assumptions she was bound to make. Amelia had been so careful about leaving what her life had used to be behind, only for her meticulous work to come unravelled one chilly Friday night.

There was no way Amelia could've factored them being in Bonesborough. Sure, there'd been the fear of anyone from her past finding her, but that was when she'd first left and it had been long enough that she'd grown out of the worry for the most part. She'd let herself get lulled into a false sense of security.

What if they tell someone I'm here?

That question seemed to ping against her skull, a constant reminder, a constant fear that made her skin prickle and her heart stutter. She simply couldn't deal with any of that- no matter who it was. They couldn't know where she was, that she was okay, because then she'd have to deal with all the pent-up emotions she'd stuffed into the darkest depths of her brain, the guilt, the sadness, the grief, the selfishness.

Because that was what she was, overall. Selfish.

From her place on the bed, it sorta looked like the weird water stain on her ceiling had grown ever so slightly, but she wasn't sure if it was just her eyes unfocusing. She glared at it, she wanted to be mad at something so she chose the stain, it was all she had. Her hands clenched into fists, nails digging into her palms. She needed to redo the shiny black polish soon. Most of it had gotten chipped off by her anxious fingers. She'd been biting her nails a lot more recently and it made the tips of her fingers feel raw.

She needed to shower, there was still dried mud on her from Friday's storm. It made her feel gross and filthy, but she couldn't bring herself to get up and have one.

Her apartment was still so fucking cold. No hot water, no heating. Maintenance had always been a pain in the ass to contact on the best of days but it was almost impossible to do so on weekends especially. If Amelia had to make another fucking phone call she was going to rip her hair out. She couldn't take this!!!!

Sunday night gave her more fitful sleep, on and off and on and off again. As soon as she felt herself drifting off, her brain dragged her back to reality, with her dumb night terrors or past memories, so far away she barely remembered them. They were tipping on the edge of her brain, dangerously so. They were making her chest constrict, so much so that she could barely take in a breath without the dull ache behind her ribcage making it almost unbearable.

***

She woke up Monday morning feeling like shit. Or worse than shit, perhaps, though she couldn't think of a better way to describe how her body refused to cooperate with her as the tried to drag her arm out from the warmth of her blankets to turn off her alarm. Her limbs felt heavy, her head too clumsy, too airy. Her nose felt stuffy and when she finally made it to her bathroom to blow it, the tissue came back spotted with blood.

Minor inconvenience she thought, tossing it in the trash and taking the coldest, saddest shower she'd ever had to endure.

It was only when she was out the door, headphones on, one disgustingly strong coffee and cigarette later, that she realised she'd forgotten to brush her teeth, or eat anything of significance. Her mind rolled back through her morning routine like moving through molasses, trying to go over what she had and had not done as she hovered in the hallway. She'd already gone through the hassle of locking her door....she didn't want to be late for work.

She took another cig out of her pocket as she exited her apartment building, trying to light it as she walked, taking in a deep lungful of smoke once she'd managed to do so. It was fairly windy out but otherwise dry- like all the rain that had been gathering in the clouds above had been used in the storm a few days prior. The sky was a pleasant blue-grey, the sun barely peeking through the clouds, not doing a good job warming Amelia up, but leaving a nice glow on the cobblestone streets that she could at least appreciate.

Not that her mind was appreciating anything right now. The inner turmoil in her brain was making it hard to sift through her thoughts. Two days of nothing but wallowing did that to her. She needed to reintegrate herself back into society.

Amelia was far too prideful to admit it out loud, but deep down she was scared of seeing Lucia again. Scared of what she'd say. But more importantly, of what she knew. If Amelia was lucky, she'd be able to avoid the girl today, but she knew her luck wouldn't last too long- it never did.

She flicked the cig filter onto the sidewalk as she crossed the road and over the concrete car park leading to the mall. There were a few cars already parked in spaces, a few people gathered around that glanced at Amelia for a brief moment as she passed, in that uninterested way strangers usually did when seeing her faded green hair.

There used to be a button for the automatic doors at the front of the mall but it had been broken for a long time- probably three or so years now at this point. Amelia didn't remember fully what happened, but she vaguely remembered Eda telling her that someone had run into it with their car and knocked the whole thing down. It just meant that she had to strain the tired, aching muscles in her arms as she pushed open the unreasonably heavy door and hoped that no one was looking at her while doing so. 

She turned her music down as she entered the mall proper, just low enough to hear the murmuring of conversations and the sounds of her own footsteps. The bulky headphones over her ears helped a lot with the overall noise in the mall and it was always a shame when she had to take them off to actually work.

Lilith was bumbling about the displays when she finally arrived at Claire's, slipping inside to go take up her perch behind the counter. The older woman noticed her movement and turned towards her, a polite smile on her lips. And then took one look at her and...the expression she made was one that Amelia hated with every fibre of her being.

Concern.

Amelia's mouth drew into a thin line as she removed her headphones and took off her jacket to sling on a hook in the backroom. She could feel Lilith's eyes on her back as she moved, it unnerved her, and the small respite in the backroom did little to calm her down. She'd been having a rather bad past few weeks and everything seemed to be crumbling down around her.

She loitered in the backroom for as long as she could, wondering if she'd even remembered to put on makeup this morning and coming up blank. She huffed, frustrated at the gaps in her memory of something that had happened less than an hour ago, and scratched under her eyes. Her pale foundation came off on her finger and her shoulders drooped, relieved that she probably could've looked worse off than she already did.

Steeling herself, she exited back into the main store and headed towards the counter, hands buried deep in the pockets of her jeans. Maybe if she didn't make eye contact with Lilith the older woman wouldn't try and talk to her-

"How was your weekend, Amelia?"

Amelia closed her eyes as she sat down heavily, feeling the weight of that question press down on her shoulders.

"My weekend was fine" she replied, hating how disingenuine her voice sounded in her ears. She hated lying to Lilith.

Lilith busied herself with rearranging a display just out of Amelia's line of sight, but it was just for show. She could tell that the older woman was watching her carefully, those critical eyes stripping through Amelia's defences.

"I heard that you met up with Lucia last Friday," she said offhandedly, like this was just a casual conversation instead of some sort of interrogation. At least, that's what it felt like to Amelia.

How the fuck did she even know that? Did she see Amelia waiting for Lucia outside Hot Topic???? Did Eda tell her? Was the gossip around the mall really so dry that they put aside their differences to talk about their employees, who may or may not have gone out together to talk about them in turn?

"Uh. Yeah," Amelia tried to swallow down the uncomfortable feeling trying to claw its way up her chest. This wasn't exactly something she wanted to be dwelling on right now.

Lilith smiled, small and genuine. Amelia glared at the chipped wooden counter, not wanting to direct her frustration towards her manager. Her blunt, jagged nails scratched at her thighs, the tightness in her chest still hadn't left- she was worried it never would.

"I'm glad you're getting out and meeting people" Lilith's voice was soft, quiet, only meant for her to hear.

Amelia didn't have the heart to interject, to tell her that everything had gone horribly wrong and she could feel herself tipping over the edge into another breakdown. Not that whatever had happened that weekend hadn't been breakdown-adjacent, but Amelia really didn't want the older woman to know how sick she felt right now. She'd been trying to keep her emotions intact, locked away in a little bottle and buried deep in the ocean of her mind.

"Aren't you mad it's Eda's employee, though?" she couldn't help but ask.

"Not at all" It seemed as if Lilith had grown bored of pretending to sort through scrunchies, she turned to Amelia and her sharp blue gaze pinned her down. Amelia's hands stilled. "I don't hold anything my sister does against Lucia, I have no reason to".

Lilith's answer just made her even more confused. Why not? Why didn't Eda hate Amelia in turn? She had every reason to. In a way, so did Lilith. Everyone Amelia had ever come into contact with had reason to dislike her. She'd never made it easy for people. She had too many problems.

Amelia felt herself relax once Lilith's eyes left her to rove over the store. It was empty, like it usually was this early in the day, the lights dimmed ever so slightly, giving Amelia some respite from the usual harsh glow.

"I want you to be able to make friends Amelia, I'd never take that away from you".

She swallowed down the lump in her throat, threatening to spill over at those words. She said "Oh", and her voice didn't sound like her own at all.

For some reason that made her feel even more defeated than before. Like Lilith had reminded her of the one chance she'd had at connecting with someone her age, which was now nothing more than the whisper of hope that she'd once felt, and more painful memories broken free than she was able to stuff back into the deepest depths of her mind.

Amelia felt the overwhelming urge to cry at the injustice of it all.

Maybe if they'd not been there- if it had just been Lucia, then maybe she'd have had more of a chance to actually...form a connection. Seeing them again after so long hurt more than anything else Amelia had ever gone through. Knowing Lucia was in their life. Living with them. Had gone to school with them.

She couldn't help but think that Lucia had been given the life she'd been meant to lead. It was like she'd been replaced.

Of course, they had every reason to move on, if anything Amelia had been dragging them down for so long it was probably for the best that she'd left. But it still stung. No matter how she tried to justify it, it still hurt. A sickly mixture of grief, regret, guilt, sadness, a concoction of feelings that left Amelia forcing down tears and bile, trying to stop the pounding in her head and the tremors in her limbs.

Amelia hadn't had a life until she'd moved to Bonesborough. She'd never been allowed to have one. But why did it mean she'd had to sacrifice the people she'd cared about to get one? 

But she hadn't. Not really. She hadn't needed to leave everyone behind, especially not them.

One stupid impulsive decision, one made out of pain and anger, had undone everything she'd ever known. Just like that. A blink of an eye. The flick of a switch. The-the-

***

She opened her eyes. She didn't remember ever closing them. Lilith was gone, there was a steady stream of people walking past her store- she didn't know how much time had passed.

Her eyes felt scratchy and irritated, an ache behind them that felt like something was pressing down into her sockets with a force she couldn't comprehend. Her hands itched to rub them but she didn't want to make it worse.

Disoriented, tired and just generally not feeling too great right now, Amelia sat back, tilting her head back to stare up at the ceiling. Her neck strained, ears popping and ringing and her sleepy limbs shook as she stretched them upwards. Her chest felt tight- a shortness in her breath and a scratchiness in her throat that wasn't usually there.

As she righted herself in her seat, propping her head in her palm and scratching idly at her cheek with her blunt nails, she noticed a figure on the other side of the mall.

Lucia was watching her. They made eye contact.

Amelia's heart leapt up her throat. She stared at Lucia, trying to gauge her expression, though it was hard to tell from so far away. She knew what she was looking for, though, she'd seen the expression directed towards herself enough times to know the signs.

Lucia's eyes widened, surprised at getting caught staring, but she held Amelia's gaze. Her lips quirked upwards, hand raised in a little wave.

It gave her nothing. No signs of anything. Just an acknowledgement between two people who somewhat knew each other. Normal. Lucia was hard to read and Amelia despised that about her. She desperately wanted to find out how much Lucia knew. She wanted to know if Lucia hated her now.

Being hated was much easier than being liked. Because when you were liked, when people held you in high regard, they tended to hold you accountable for your actions.  Amelia did not need to be reminded of what she'd done. She was reminded every morning she woke up in her shitty little apartment, cold and alone. Wasn't that punishment enough?

Lucia did not stride across the mall to make infuriating, annoying, light conversation like she would most days and Amelia let herself think it was because Lucia hated her, if only because she didn't want to acknowledge the jolt of disappointment that accompanied it. It was easier this way. To distance herself before she got too attached.

Too attached? Implying I was getting attached in the first place?

Best not to think about it.

Sometimes she wished she could switch her mind off, and go about her day with the same light-headed bliss she usually got when high. She hadn't been able to work through the joint she'd sloppily rolled while putting off sorting through her laundry last night just yet. It sat in the little tin in her jacket pocket, taunting her.

It was hard to gauge how long it'd be until Lilith came back so all she could do is sit and stew and pointedly not look across at the Hot Topic, or refuse to acknowledge the curious brown eyes she could feel watching her. It was starting to feel like how it had been mere weeks ago- when Lucia had only been an annoying stranger she'd catch glances of every now and then. It had been easier then. It had been easy to direct her frustration towards Lucia because she hadn't known her. But now it felt different.

There was no one she could direct all these pent-up feelings towards except herself. She liked to think she'd really cornered the market on being a self-loathing asshole, isolating yourself for so long just did that, she supposed.

It wasn't like she didn't want to get better, because then that'd be acknowledging defeat. It was just that she couldn't. She had nothing to fall back on, no one who she felt she could trust enough to help her through her giant well of feelings. Lilith had almost been that person, once upon a time, but she'd just had to go and ruin that with her own insecurity too.

Being alone was nice, in a way, but it was only human to crave affection, it was only human to feel the deep sense of loneliness she'd been dealing with for most of her life.

***

When Lilith reappeared, she didn't say anything to Amelia, which was normal but Amelia couldn't help but feel worried about it all the same. She didn't leave herself much time to dwell on it, though, eager to scamper into the backroom to grab her jacket and smoke.

She stepped out into the car park, tin in hand, trying to pop off the lid and find a good place to sit at the same time. Walking along the wall, kicking cigarette filters and other random trash in her way, she settled down on the least stained piece of ground with a content little sigh and immediately got to work trying to locate her lighter.

"Hey".

...there went her peace.

"What do you want?" Amelia felt guilty at how cold her voice sounded but god, she was so tired.

Lucia stood, looking down at her with an unreadable expression on her face. Amelia flicked on her lighter and held it to the end of her joint, staring off into the distance.

If Lucia had come here to...what? Say she wanted nothing to do with Amelia? End what had never truly started? Wouldn't that be cruel? She deserved it, though.

Instead, the taller girl sat down opposite her with a little huff and asked, softly, "Are you okay?"

Which was confusing. Amelia didn't like how it made her feel. She took in a deep breath as the joint finally lit, taking her time to answer.

"I'm fine" She was hyper-aware that she didn't, in fact, sound fine. But maybe Lucia would take her word for it.

"Are you sure-? I mean, you kinda...ran away the other night. In the middle of a storm".

Did she...not know? 

"So?"

Lucia opened her mouth, then shut it. Her lips turned down. Amelia took another hit off her joint, willing it to work faster.

"Tha-that's not what-" she hesitated, "I just wanted to know if you made it home okay?"

"Well I'm here aren't I?" Amelia gruffed.

"Yeah. I just-" Lucia buried her head in her hands, letting out a sigh through her nose. Her eyebrows creased in frustration. She lifted her head to level Amelia with wide brown eyes. "Sal seemed really upset when you left and they wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I thought it was 'cause you'd run off in the middle of a heavy storm or something, but it just...seems like something's really bothering them".

"How is this my problem?" she tried to ignore the guilt. God, she was trying so hard.

"It seemed like you recognised them?" the upwards lilt of Lucia's voice made it sound more like a question than the statement it was.

Amelia's eyes snapped upwards to glare at Lucia, her heart pounding in her ears. This was precisely what she'd been dreading, and now here it was. Questions she didn't even know how to begin to answer, a past filled with way too many emotions to sift through. Lucia was looking at her, it made her nervous.

They hadn't told Lucia anything, but for some reason that didn't comfort Amelia like she thought it would. Instead, Lucia had come to her for answers. Ones that she would not give.  

She felt her defences curl upwards, her eyes narrowed at the girl sitting before her. "That's none of your fucking business" she spat out venomously, half delirious with her pent-up panic finally being released.

Lucia flinched and Amelia immediately felt bad about it. She swallowed down that feeling, though. She needed to protect herself, not worry about what the other girl felt. Pushing away Lucia was the best possible thing she could do right now.

With a stubborn set to her jaw, Lucia stood up, patting down her jeans. When standing, Amelia had to crane her head to look up at her and she could only imagine what she looked like to Lucia right now.

A cornered animal, spitting and hissing but otherwise defenceless, curled up into a little ball, small and pathetic.

She hated being like this. It hurt, it made her chest ache. Part of her was trying to convince herself to open up to Lucia, to see what she would say, what she would do. To give her comfort, perhaps? But that felt like way too big of an ask, way too scary for someone like her, who didn't deserve such comfort. Comfort Lucia could be giving to them instead.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Lucia asked, her voice low- regretful, maybe, was the right word for it. "Do you want me to stop bothering you for good?"

Was it really that simple? A simple yes or no that could change the trajectory of their relationship for good.

NO nonononono- you can't just give this up over one little thing.

But- was this a little thing? Could this even be fixed?

The selfish part of her brain wanted to scream YES!!! it very much could be fixed! but if she were being realistic, then she knew she shouldn't get her hopes up. The weight of Lucia's question hung on her shoulders, a silence growing between them that was not pleasant, nor uncomfortable, but tense in a way that made Amelia's skin crawl.

In the end, her fear would always win out. It was overwhelming at times, consuming her entire being, making her rational thoughts go out the window, making rash decisions for her that she otherwise wouldn't have done. It was a disease that would never go away- it was part of her and always would be. Because she was a coward.

"Please just leave me alone" she mumbled, burying herself in her own misery.

Lucia did not look happy or sad, just nodded resolutely and walked away. Her retreating form made Amelia feel sick. She spat onto the pavement and slunk into the backroom.

***

You're sitting cross-legged under one of the sprawling fold-up tables in their parent's greenhouse. The smell of dirt fills your nose, making it itchy, you're small enough to be sitting comfortably under the metal bars that make up the table above. They're not so lucky, unfortunately, slouched over, shoulders hunched- they'd already hit their head on the edge of the table and you'd laughed unapologetically at them. They'd glared at you but you knew they could never be mad at you.

It's uncomfortably stuffy in the greenhouse even though the weather outside has gotten chillier, but it's the only secluded place you could think of where you know you won't be disturbed. You tap your hands against your knees as they tug their backpack closer towards them, digging around inside for the goods.

A bottle is taken out and you watch as they unscrew the top and hold it delicately to their nose. They grimace but take a swig before the bottle is passed to you.

Sunlight beats down on your back, sweat prickling on your skin. It's late, late summer- on the precipice of autumn, and you've been stressed for a long time now. You sip from the bottle and it burns all the way down your throat. It's somewhat pleasant, though, so you take another. It helps with the stress.

"Four more years" they're saying to you, head resting lazily in their palm.

You swallow, not allowing hope to rise in your chest. Four years is a long time to wait and you're starting to have your doubts.

The bottle is passed back to them and you're left with an emptiness in your hands that you're desperate to fill. You rub your hands against your legs, curling your fingers so that your nails are dragging across the pale stretch of freckled skin on your thigh.

They give you a look and you stop.

"How can you know they won't try and find me?" you ask. The bottle is passed back to you.

"I can't tell you they won't" they answer, a little shrug of their shoulders. They take their glasses off and rub the lenses on their shirt, "but they'll have no authority over you. They can't make you come back when you have your own house and your own money".

You lapse into silence as you pass the bottle back and forth a few more times. There's a feeling you can't quite describe trying to eat you alive- trying to claw its way up your throat, through your chest. You're very aware of what it is. It's been a part of you for so long now, but voicing such things has always been difficult for you to do. Even to them.

Taking in a deep breath, you whisper, "I'm scared".

You let the weight of those two words fall between the two of you. There's an understanding in them. It's a feeling you've known well. You watch as their smile drops off their face and feel as if you've done something wrong. Said too much.

Their eyes are intense and bright as they speak, voice firm, no room for arguments, "I know" they begin, "But I won't let them so much as touch you once we're gone, okay? Just four more years. You can wait that long, right?"

*** 

It turned out she couldn't.

Notes:

THE DRAMA OF IT ALL!!!! get this girl some antidepressants STAT

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 8

An indeterminate amount of time passed, time that was hard to pinpoint, spotty memories, and actions performed that don't feel like her own. It didn't matter all too much to her, though, everything felt the same. The same, dull routine she'd been performing for years and years and years. It never ended- she was sure it never would.

It was purgatory. Punishment for what she could not uphold.

If only her mother could see how now. She'd surely think she was better off dead.

Sometimes Amelia felt that too, but she was weak. She feared death. It was her downfall, forced to keep on living because she couldn't even grant herself this one release.

***

If Amelia was good at one thing, it was isolating herself from her problems. She liked to think she'd done a pretty good job of it, in the best sense of it all. She knew deep down that what she was doing was not going to be good for her in the long run, but since when had she ever taken the time to consider the state of her future?

Why bother when there was nothing there for her except the bland greying walls of her apartment and the cracked wooden floors under her feet? This apartment was her home, it was all she had, and it was where she would stay.

It was...probably the weekend considering the mid-afternoon sunlight leaking in from her half-closed curtains and the fact that she was still curled up in bed. She'd been having a hard time gauging time lately but she liked to think she had it under control for the most part. If her alarm had not gone off that morning then she probably didn't have to go to work.

She couldn't tell how long she'd been awake, or how long she'd been laying there. Her phone had a fresh crack going down the middle- she'd cut her finger on it without even realising it was there and it still stung. She didn't have the energy to go digging around for anything to patch it up so she'd stuck it in her mouth until it had stopped bleeding and then went back to her mindless scrolling. It was so easy to get lost in the monotony of scrolling, it was so easy to lose track of time. It was a curse but she loved it all the same; something to occupy her mind, something to stimulate her enough that she didn't feel like her lungs were about to collapse and her skin was about to peel off her bones.

That last part might've been because she was so, unbelievably high right now. So much so that moving her thumb to scroll was becoming a bit of a chore. Her eyes kept drooping shut, and each time they did the sun dipped ever so slightly lower in the sky. The shadows in her room stretched out towards where she lay. She felt like a corpse, wasting away, decomposing with each blink while also being hyper-aware of every place her skin was touching her scratchy bedsheets, how every breath she took felt deliberate and forced. How very much alive she still was.

It was a sensory nightmare she couldn't escape but she didn't try to either. Just laying there was effort enough. Just existing was a weight on her shoulders she'd never be able to shake off.

She allowed herself to focus on the ache of her cut finger because it was the only sensation she could feel that didn't make her want to rip her hair out. It was comforting in a way she couldn't explain. It reminded her that she was still human. Every throb was her beating heart, a breath held in. A breath out.

Sometimes that never felt enough. Sometimes, even as she placed a heavy hand over her heart, she still couldn't stop the feeling of detachment overtake her, like she was piloting someone else's body, like she was watching herself from afar. Tonight was not one of those nights but the feeling was always there.

Wallowing in her own self-pity was all she was capable of doing, it seemed. Every time she thought she'd clawed her way out of it she'd fall right back in, back to square one.

Better she than anyone else was her motto. At least she wasn't dragging anyone down with her, not anymore. If it was just her suffering then that made it okay in her mind. She had been given the wrong hand in life and she would forever be paying the price for it- it was entirely her fault. That's what her mother had told her, drilled into her mind. So much so that she had to believe it.

She fell into a troubled sleep not long after that thought.

***

You're hurting. It's not bad, though, it's arguably been worse so you can't find it in yourself to complain. There's an ache in your limbs, a sharp sting that you can't shake off.

Sitting on your bedroom floor, the plush carpet under your bare feet is a welcoming feeling- you run your fingers over it. Over and over and over until your heart stops beating hard enough you can barely breathe. You're trying not to panic but it's so, so hard. You lean against the wall, the back of your head hitting it hard enough that you blink forcefully through the pain. You do it a few more times, focusing on the feeling of your neck muscles straining with the movement and the dull ache on the back of your head after every hit.

Your nails are digging into the carpet, enough that your hand is almost closed into a fist. Your chest is heaving and you can't seem to make it stop.

You're rapidly losing control of your body and you hate not being in control.

It doesn't register that you're crying, warm tears dribbling down your cheeks, mouth open as you silently cry. You're trying not to make noise- if you make noise then someone will come and you do not want that.

You're far too old be to doing this. Far too old to be getting upset over little things, throwing tantrums and talking back to your mother. You should know better than that.

There's a soft knock on your door, so quiet you could barely hear it over the sound of your own ragged breathing. You frantically rub at your eyes, pressing your palms into them as if that'll stop the tears, trying not to let the panic overtake you.

"Yes?" you ask, voice cracking with misuse. It's obvious that you're upset to anyone with ears and you hate the way your voice sounds.

The door swings open and a head pokes around it. Wide hazel eyes are watching you timidly as if you are about to attack at any second. You hate that look, it makes you feel like a monster.

You're not a monster, you're just a kid. She is too. You sniffle and wipe your nose, forcing a shaky smile onto your face.

She steps closer and suddenly all the lights in your room shut off, suspending you in pitch black. You feel yourself tipping forward. You smell copper.

***

Lucia had kept her word. Of course she had. At least she'd had the decency to ask before abandoning Amelia, though for some reason that thought just made her feel worse.

Amelia had woken up that day feeling light-headed and with a shortness of breath that made her lungs feel tight against her ribcage. She'd taken extra time laying in bed, taking deep breaths, and had missed out on breakfast because she'd lost track of time.

She was hungry, she was tired, her body did not feel like her own. She pointedly ignored the Hot Topic on the other side of the mall and scratched lines into the counter with her nails until they ached.

Such was life, she supposed. She just had to make it a little longer and then she could go find some food and get a smoke in.

It was getting cold enough that even the measly warmth of the mall wasn't enough to stop the shivering in Amelia's limbs. September was bleeding into October, though the weather had been consistently bad as soon as it had turned August, as was usual in this sad, damp little town. Her favourite hoodie was at the bottom of her laundry bin after waking up with another bloody nose a few days ago and she was still salty about it. She knew she needed to do another round soon but with the sudden drop in temperature she feared that she'd get frostbitten having to wait for her laundry down in the basement and that was the last thing she needed right now.

So she was sucking it up and wearing one of her other hoodies, the less comfy one with the scratchy fabric that made her skin itch. It didn't help a whole lot with the cold seeping into her very DNA but it would do. If she sat with her legs up, bundled up in her hoodie, she could conserve her warmth until she could scour for something hot to put in her body. A coffee sounded like heaven right now.

There were no windows this far into the mall, at least not any ones Amelia could see from her perch. Sitting under the artificial lights for most of the day always left her with a migraine, searing her senses, but she was powerless to do anything about it unless she wanted to go find another job. Which was something she'd considered, but had initially decided against.

After what happened with Lucia, she'd thought about it again. But disappearing from the mall felt like too much of a cowardly move. Like she'd lose at this little game neither knew they were playing.

Amelia had been here first, she didn't deserve to feel like she couldn't even relax at her own job. A job she'd had for years, a job she'd been working since Lucia had been at school, far far away from here. Part of her wished that what had happened would push Lucia away from the mall. Seeing her walking around Hot Topic was infuriating and upsetting and made her want to scream and stomp on the rising emotions in her chest until they were nothing but dust under her boot. She hated having feelings more than anything else. She hated that she was still capable of feeling for others, even through all the mistrust she'd built up in her years in Bonesborough.

She picked at her nails until she drew blood, then picked at the healing cut on her thumb until it grew red and irritated. She picked woodchips from under her nails and once she was done abusing her hands she buried them in her hoodie sleeves and pulled at the loose threads inside, trying to work through her irritation and always, always coming up short. 

***

Amelia watched a teen look suspiciously over the store before stuffing something into the pocket of their jacket, guilty as all hell. She briefly wondered why they'd even bother stealing from a place like this as she made eye contact with them and pointedly looked away, not even bothering to move from the counter. It wasn't really any of her business, her shift was about to end.

The streets were already dark when she stepped outside, a light drizzle hitting her face, making her squint against the wind. She wove her way across the car park, avoiding the few remaining cars still parked and hopped up onto the path.

"Hey!"

A hand landed on her shoulder and her breath hitched, lungs constricting uncomfortably as she spun around.

"Woah, sorry for startling you, kid" It was Eda, giving her an apologetic little smile that showed off her one golden tooth.

"It's okay," Amelia said, even though it wasn't really.

The hand slipped off her shoulder and the sensation of it was red-hot, spreading all over her shoulder and down her arm. She glared at Eda's hand as if it had done some great injustice to her, because it was easier than making eye contact with the older woman. The polish on her long nails was shiny and chipped, glinting in the lights of the streetlamps nearby.

Something was pressed into her hands and Amelia's eyes snapped upwards in confusion.

"Somethin' extra to take care of yourself with," the older woman said, and when Amelia glanced down at her hand, a wad of cash had been placed into it. Her heart twisted.

"I can't take this," she thought she'd already told both Eda and Lilith not to treat her like a charity case. She thought this had stopped when she'd turned 18. She could afford rent and enough groceries to get by on her own now, this was nothing but pity money at this point.

"Please just take it" Eda crossed her arms as if that'd stop Amelia from giving her back the cash. Her eyes had a warmth to them that made Amelia want to throw up, the no-nonsense tone of her voice told her that Eda would not accept no as an answer

"Fine," she said, voice taut.

Eda's red-painted lips twitched upwards as she watched Amelia stuff the cash clumsily into her jacket pocket, zipping it closed so none of it would fall out.

Amelia opened her mouth to spout out a halfhearted thank you and run away from this awkward interaction but Eda stopped her before she could. Her pale hand came to hover over Amelia's shoulder again, those intense eyes so much like her sisters were regarding her with an expression she couldn't decipher. Amelia's shoulders tensed in anticipation of the touch but after another second passed, Eda's hand fell limply to her side.

"I... just wanted to remind you that if you ever need anything, you can come to me or Lily, Okay?"

"I know," Amelia said because she was pretty sure she'd had this conversation before many, many times. And every time it happened she swore that she would never need the extra help- that stubborn part of her brain that wanted independence wouldn't let her.

"If you're not feeling well, if anything's bothering you..." Eda went on, eyes scanning Amelia in a way that made her feel extra self-conscious of how shitty she looked.

"No, I'm fine" she was very much not, "But...I'll keep that in mind".

Eda nodded, "Okay" she glanced around the rapidly emptying car park, "Okay," she said again, digging around in her pockets for her car keys. She looked down at them, silly owl keyring and all, "Would you like a lift back to your apartment?"

The olive branch that had been offered to her was promptly cut down as Amelia shook her head. The thought of being stuck in a car with Eda asking her if she was okay for however long it'd take to get her back home sounded horrible. It wasn't like she didn't like Eda. She was fine, but that didn't mean she wanted to spend time around her for longer than she had to. It wasn't anything personal, she just didn't like how...concerned both Eda and Lilith could get around her.

Eda was usually a loud and extroverted woman, but in this little moment shared between them, there was something much softer about her. The uncertainty in the way she acted, extending an offer out to Amelia almost timidly, like she was embarrassed about it. Amelia had to tamp down that feeling of suspicion nagging at the back of her mind.

The one-on-one interactions between her and Eda had always been like this, even when Amelia would show open hostility towards her, even when Amelia swore at her venomously, Eda was always there, understanding in her eyes as if she knew that her anger wasn't truly directed at her. Amelia had hated that look more than anything else. Like the sheer audacity of Eda thinking she understood anything Amelia was going through was some great insult. She simply wouldn't have it.

"I gotta go make sure King's fed. I'll see you tomorrow, kid" and just like that she was gone, heading towards her car, head down. Amelia watched her get in before turning around and walking down the street.

Amelia was on decent terms with Eda. She somewhat trusted the older woman. But now that everything had shifted, could she really?

Eda was Lucia's sort of aunt. Eda was Lucia's family. There was no reason why she'd take Amelia's side over Lucia's if she even knew what was going on.

It was just another person to be weary of- one in an already long list of names. Amelia couldn't help but feel like Lucia moving to Bonesborough had somehow ruined what little of her life she'd managed to pick up from all the broken-down rubble she'd created.

She knew deep down that it wasn't fair to blame Lucia for all this. They were just pawns in a game- it wasn't anyone's fault but her own. She kicked at a can on the sidewalk and watched it bounce onto the road and get crushed under the wheel of a car.

When she got back to her apartment she sat on her sofa and counted the money Eda had given her. It was a decent amount that'd cover the next few grocery runs whenever she had the energy to actually go to the store. Even if she hated accepting money from the Clawthorne sisters she couldn't help feeling at least a little grateful.

Amelia forced down a quick dinner, hoping that it'd settle the nausea she'd been feeling lately, and then spent the next ten minutes hovering by the toilet as the feeling grew in intensity, enough that her mouth started to water- a dangerous warning that she was about to throw up. It was only after she was sure that that wouldn't be happening that she went to continue decomposing in her bed for the rest of the evening.

***

It had been almost an entire, miserable month since she'd told Lucia to leave her alone, almost to the day, a freezing Wednesday morning. Amelia woke up to her alarm as usual, the noise sounding far more shrill and painful in her ears, the beginnings of a migraine already starting even though she'd been up for no more than five minutes. A great start to the day.

She heaved herself upwards and inspected the clothes she'd passed out in. A random hoodie that passed the sniff test, meaning that it could be worn for the day ahead and some sweats with what she was pretty sure was a coffee stain from the other day. She grumbled as she changed into her jeans from the day before, sitting on her bed to slide her legs inside so she didn't topple over onto her hard wooden floor. Not that that had ever happened, she was just feeling a bit light-headed right now.

She stuck a random loose cigarette she found on her bedside table between her lips as she exited into her living room to get ready for work. Her eyes darted over her living room- she'd been neglecting cleaning it, not because she was lazy but because doing any strenuous tasks took a lot out of her these days. Even walking back and forth picking up her jacket and boots and work keys was making her wheeze.

Maybe pass on that cig then? she told herself and put it down on her kitchen counter to deal with later.

She sat down with a long, heavy sigh, dispelling all the air from her battered lungs. She let herself breathe in and out until she felt less like she was about to pass out and then leaned forward to slip her feet into her boots.

When she stepped out onto the street she groaned at the ice on the road, the way her breaths billowed out in front of her. She hadn't been able to gauge how cold it was since her apartment was always close to freezing anyways but god...today was really something else.

It took her twice as long to get to the mall, both because of the ice and her trying not to openly wheeze from the exertion of walking. The cold stale air definitely wasn't helping, perhaps even making it worse. There was this weird tension behind her eyes, like a popped blood vessel but when she'd checked earlier there were no bursts of red in the white of her eyes. It felt like the start of a headache but without any of the pain, just the feeling of...something being there that probably wasn't supposed to.

This was fine. She'd gone to work in worse states, she was sure of it. Forever on that work grind, she couldn't afford to take a day off, not if she didn't want Lilith's annoying phone calls asking if she was okay. It was probably just a cold or something.

She slumped against the counter once she arrived at Claire's, resisting the urge to press her head against the wood and close her eyes, not trusting herself to do so without passing out. She was thankful she'd had just enough time to suck down a coffee before she got to work and the caffeine was working its way through her system, perking her up little by little.

Eda and Lilith had been extra...hover-y lately and it was starting to piss her off. Luckily her manager didn't seem to be nearby and Eda was busy opening up her own store, because she didn't think she could deal with their concerned frowns right now. It'd just about break the last of her resolve. Her patience was thinning- a string pulled so taut it was mere seconds away from snapping.

She was so, so tired.

Amelia had, unfortunately, spent a whole lot of time thinking about Lucia, who she'd told herself she would never think about again after she was finally left alone. It wasn't like those thoughts were entirely voluntary- Lilith was still having her walk over to Hot Topic to start shit with Eda and of course, that meant seeing Lucia watching her out of the corner of her eye, and it was much easier to blame that on those thoughts than......anything else.

Interactions with the girl had been minimal, of course. Lucia was a woman of her word, it seemed. Which was a good thing....

STOP!! It is a good thing. Stop it. Stop thinking about it.

There were very few distractions from her dangerous thoughts this morning, which sucked. She stared out at the clearing between Hot Topic and Claire's and saw not a single soul nearby, probably because of the weather. No one wanted to go out if there was black ice on the roads, not unless they absolutely had to.

A quiet day sounded nice, though. She propped her feet up on the counter and leaned back to stare at the ceiling panels. They were looking extra dusty today. Nothing in this mall had been cleaned since long before Amelia had started working there, weird brown stains from the pipes above her head visible in almost every panel that made up the ceiling. She was sure it'd collapse one day, and could only hope that she wasn't under it when it did.

***

She might've accidentally dozed off because suddenly her feet were slamming back onto the ground, her body propelled forward by the force of it. There was an angry voice coming from in front of her but her mind hadn't gotten the memo to wake up just yet.

A frustrated hand was waving in front of her incessantly- enough that she scowled and leaned back, trying to blink fog from her eyes.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Um," Amelia said, swallowing thickly. Her throat felt so dry. Her eyes hurt. "Can you repeat that please?"

When she'd managed to reel herself in, she noted that the person standing in front of her was a woman she hadn't noticed walk into the store she was meant to be looking over. A woman she was meant to be serving. She schooled her expression into one of neutrality, hiding her annoyance at the womans insistent snapping in her face.

"Ugh," she scoffed, looking down at Amelia like she'd just spat in her food or something. "Don't bother pretending like you haven't been ignoring me for the past ten minutes" Amelia hoped that she was simply exaggerating the time, "I want to speak with your manager".

Amelia blinked slowly. "Let me see if she's in for you," she said, standing up and hoping that the woman wouldn't notice how she swayed sharply to the right, clutching onto the counter for dear life. If she had then she didn't say anything, which was good. She just tapped her foot against the floor impatiently, like she had better places to be other than arguing with a random Claire's employee in a mall in the middle of nowhere.

She swung the door to the backroom open and shuffled inside, leaning heavily against the door and resting her head against the cold metal, giving herself a break. A breather before the inevitable shitstorm.

The noise of frantic shuffling made her open her eyes and she tilted her head to search for the source of it.

Lucia crouched by one of the tables pushed to the back of the room, holding some papers that had Lilith's neat cursive handwriting on them. The two looked at each other for a long, long time, frozen in a stalemate.

"Ummmm this isn't what it looks like?" Lucia said unconvincingly.

Amelia pinched the bridge of her nose, too tired to be dealing with this shit right now.

"Amelia????" Lucia spoke, her voice pitched up in worry.

"What?" Amelia growled, feeling the last of her patience, that taut string, snapping.

"Your nose is bleeding!! Are you okay? You look kinda..." if anything else was said, Amelia didn't hear it.

Something warm trickled down her nose, over her lips. She stuck her tongue out, tasting blood.

Huh.....she swiped a hand under her nose and looked down at the blood, dripping over her fingers, onto the concrete floor below. Had her head always felt this light?

"Amelia!"

Her vision blacked out and suddenly she felt herself falling, falling falling-

Notes:

she got too silly :[

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 9

The first thing Amelia heard when she finally came to was the faint sound of music, so quiet that it was on the edge of her consciousness- she was aware of it but not really aware of it. Her entire body felt numb, her eyes were still closed. Ever so slowly the music grew louder and louder as she steadily began to wake up, limbs feeling heavy and clumsy from misuse.

She heard the heavy electronic sounds of the music first, the high-pitched vocals autotuned to hell and back, it made her brain rattle, her teeth itch.

Something soft was under her head, a steady weight on her chest- not like her lungs were being compressed, but more comforting. Warm. It was a pressure that made her body feel good, more secure.

Then the pain hit her. An ache that she felt deep in her eye sockets, that usual prickle of irritation in her eyes that made her hands itch to rub at them. That strange feeling in her nose, the smell of blood still there with every breath she took. She leaned back and groaned because it was all she could do, feeling like she'd been hit by a truck, her body not responding to her brain. Too tired. Too sick.

Her hair stuck to her face in sweaty greasy clumps, her hands clammy and yet her body felt oddly cold, the sensation of shivering that was present but...not entirely there. Like she needed to wrap up in an extra layer- she could feel the heat but her body wasn't responding to it like it should. She shifted and the weight on top of her held her down, tired limbs not doing much to support her. Useless. In her half-groggy state, she found that she didn't mind.

The music faded out and was replaced by something even more intense than the song before. Amelia shut her eyes, the faint fuzzy lights in the corners of her vision warned of a migraine and if this music didn't stop soon she was sure she'd be in an even worse state than she already was.

And then it dawned on her....

Where the fuck am I????

Last she remembered.....she was at work. She was at the mall but now she was somewhere else? Someone had moved her? Or maybe she was...in the backroom?

She opened her eyes and frowned up at the ceiling. Definitely not the backroom, the walls were way too bright, painted a pleasant desaturated red colour that made it feel warm and lived in.

Okay, so someone had moved her. That thought made her skin itch in discomfort.

It was coming back to her in parts, memories fading in from the depths of her foggy mind but the full picture still wasn't there. It didn't add up. She'd passed out in the backroom, sure. Normal everyday stuff. And then what?

Amelia sat up on her elbows with great effort and realised that she'd been laying in a bed that was most definitely not her own. She tried to bite down the panic that tried to rise up her throat as she fully sat up, looking around the room. Trying to focus her eyes on her surroundings was proving difficult.

It was decently sized- a little bigger than her own, and had a general organised mess feel to it. Clothes were on the floor by the dresser, half-folded laundry, a laptop sat atop a desk covered in papers and little sticky notes of scribbles Amelia couldn't decipher, the screen off but the fan whirring gently away, barely distinguishable from the music- the only indication that someone had been here before she'd woken up.

She looked down at herself, in a plush double bed pushed off to the side, surrounded by blankets, a range of pillows propped up behind her.

There was a glass of water on the bedside table next to her, she stared at it, confused and disoriented, and then carefully picked it up. It was cold in her hands, making the hairs on her arms stand up, an involuntary shiver coursing through her. She lifted it to her lips to take a sip, hesitated, and put it back. Better to find out where she was first.

She took in a deep breath, trying to reorient herself, trying to get her limbs to thaw, start moving again.

Amelia did not know what had happened, did not know where she was. But she knew one thing; she needed to get out of here. And fast. She did not need the charity of others, she was perfectly capable of looking after herself! Passing out in the backroom wasn't a big deal, not enough to justify moving her somewhere else.

Standing up was...harder than she remembered. She swung her legs off the bed, her feet touching the carpet, soft and warm. She pushed herself forward until she was sitting with her feet firmly on the floor and then stood up.

The room swayed in her vision, the fuzzy black dots in the corners of her eyes grew more intense, blood rushing to her head so fast she thought she was going to topple over again.

In fact, she did fall. Her vision blacked out for a second but that was all she needed for her knees to hit the carpet, catching the side of the bed, hands grabbing onto the covers for dear life, an attempt to soften the fall. Her head swam, she groaned.

The carpet was scratchy against her skin, but not in a way that was uncomfortable. It was weirdly comforting in a way, like this sensation had triggered a memory from long, long ago but was far too faded for her to remember what exactly it had been. She let herself indulge in this feeling because she was far too exhausted to try standing up again.

And then a second revelation hit her. She....could've sworn she'd been wearing jeans. Not shorts, not a shirt that was so large it hung off her shoulders. She'd gone to work that day wearing jeans and a hoodie because it'd been another cold day. Then why was she in considerably fewer clothes? Clothes that were not her own???

Nothing seemed to be making sense, which scared her more than she'd ever dared to admit. The anxiety blooming in her chest was making it hard to breathe, unable to take in full breaths, expand her lungs.

Someone was singing along to the music outside, making noises along with the guitars during breaks in the vocals. The sounds of walking, heavy footsteps, the noise of porcelain clanking together. Amelia blinked hard but she could feel herself start to spiral out of control, taking fistfuls of greasy hair, burying her face in her knees, trying to contain herself enough that she could stand back up and get out of whatever this situation was. Leave back to the safety and familiarity of her own apartment. Find out what the fuck was going on.

The door opened and her breathing stopped, head jerking upwards at the noise. The sounds coming from outside the room grew louder, and familiar big brown eyes gazed down at her, concerned.

"Are you okay?" asked Lucia, eyebrows shooting up at her prone form on the ground, "Did you fall?? Are you hurt?" she placed whatever she'd been holding on her desk and came to crouch down at the side of the bed where Amelia was.

"Don't fucking touch me!!!" those hands, big and warm and hovering over her, the phantom sensations of hands on her shoulders making her reel back. Her heart was thudding in her chest, making her ears ring, trying to tamp down the panic before it overflowed.

"Sorry sorry!!"

Amelia's breathing had gone ragged, and uneven, her lungs felt like they were about to burst out of her ribcage. Her head felt fuzzy, vision threatening to black out. She managed to force her body upwards, to stand, and felt nausea rise up her throat with the movement.

"You should get back into bed," Lucia said, her voice coming out a little panicked.

"N-no" Amelia gasped out, "I'm leaving. I need to get out of here, why the fuck am I here".

Lucia's mouth opened and closed. There was a stubborn set to her jaw as she watched Amelia try to use the bed to propel herself forward towards the open bedroom door. She was sure her clothes were here somewhere she just had to find them and then she could leave.

Hands clamped down on her arms with a force that didn't hurt her but shocked her body enough to go rigid at the feeling.

Phantom hands pulling her down, nails making crescents in her skin as she struggled against them. They wouldn't let go. Wouldn't stop.

"DON'T TOUCH ME" It came out a lot shakier than Amelia had intended, "Don't touch me please don't please-"

It was one thing to be touched under normal circumstances but when she was panicking it was a whole other thing. She thrashed against the hands on her arms, finding perch on Lucia's wrists and holding onto them, trying to pull them off her.

"Agh! Ouch- I'm sorry!! Please, just-" Lucia was saying but it wasn't getting to Amelia at all.

Amelia felt her feet lift off the ground and her body went limp- a dead weight. Lucia adjusted to this, though, and tossed her back onto the bed, grabbing the blankets and pulling them over her before Amelia could try and escape. She was speaking, Amelia could see her lips forming words she couldn't hear. The blood rushing to her ears was making it hard to process what was happening, her vision swimming.

She stared up at the girl who she'd promised she'd never speak to again. Standing over her, hovering over her, eyes large and so, so brown. She felt her head lean back and hit the pillows underneath her, and then nothing else.

***

Amelia didn't want to open her eyes just yet, the warm cocoon of blankets she was in was comfortable, the warmest she'd been for what felt like months.

There was the quiet noise of tapping coming from her left, the creak of a chair.

She moved, shifting to her side and breathed deeply through her nose.

"...Are you awake?"

Not yet...she didn't want to be awake yet. Her half-asleep mind hadn't processed who the voice had belonged to, she was content to ignore it as her mind drifted back into the pleasant darkness of unconsciousness.

***

You're laying in a bed that is not your own. There's a warm presence pressed up against your side, small breaths in your ears, the type that only comes from deep sleep, so quiet you can hardly hear them.

It's dark and warm and you don't feel tired but you close your eyes anyways because there's nothing else to do.

Beside you, they make a noise in their sleep and you feel yourself smiling as they turn and press their face against your shoulder. It's far too warm to be sleeping like this but you don't mind. You like it when they cuddle up close to you, you're far too embarrassed about it to initiate anything when they're awake, though. So you let yourself indulge in this weakness.

This room is not your own but it feels more like home than the one you grew up in. You've spent a lot of time here- more than your parents would like but you can't find it in yourself to care. Back at the manor, your room sits empty, dark, cold, lonely. Here you feel warm and comfortable and.... and loved.

You feel safe.

It's too bad it can't last.

***

Creeeak. Creeeak. Creeeak.

She was pulled from sleep, ripped away from whatever dream she'd been having. Whether that was good or bad was still up for debate, all she knew was that she was going to murder whoever was making that noise...once she woke up fully.

Creeeak. Tap tap tap. A pause. Tap tap tap tap tap.

Amelia opened her eyes and saw the unfamiliar walls, laden with posters. She frowned, trying to remember where she was, but thinking was so, so hard right now. Rolling onto her back, she blinked her sore eyes and rubbed them in an attempt to clear the spots from her vision. Her hands came back slightly damp, her eyes felt dry and crusty and uncomfortable.

Taptaptaptaptaptaptap.

"Can you stop?" she asked the ceiling, too tired to add any bite to her words. Too tired to feel anything.

The tapping stopped.

"You're awake?"

"'Cause of your tapping. It's annoying".

"Oh my bad, sorry".

Lucia's face appeared in her vision and her heart stopped. She felt her face go hot.

Right. That's right. Lucia's here.

"Mornin'! How are you feeling?"

"Huh?" Amelia squinted up at her and then slowly turned her head towards the only source of light in the room- the window, curtains half-drawn. Bright light spilt out of it, the kind that only comes in early mornings on cold days, sort of like sunlit ice. She struggled to sit up, her head still hurt. "What time is it?"

"Uhhh like, 9 I think??" Lucia said, scratching the back of her head. Her beanie wasn't there, Amelia noted- it felt weird to see her without it.

"...What day is it?" Amelia asked slowly, trying to get her bearings.

"Thursday?"

Amelia squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm late for work" she ground out, trying to keep herself calm. It'd do her no good to spiral right now, not when she already felt like shit.

"Oh, Lilith said you shouldn't go in until you're feeling better".

"What?"

"What do you mean what?" Lucia quirked a brow, "You're sick and you can't work while you're sick".

"I'm not sick I'm fine" Amelia bit back anxiously, scrambling to sit up.

Lucia stared down at her like she was stupid. Like she'd said the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. Amelia glared at her but it was hard to do so when her head was throbbing and she was barely holding herself up as it was.

"You literally fainted in front of me".

"So?" she scoffed.

The look to other girl was giving her was something akin to disbelief. "So... randomly fainting is normal for you then?"

Amelia did not like where this conversation was going. She crossed her arms over her chest, defensive. "That's none of your business".

Lucia looked like she wanted to say more but stopped herself before she could. Good riddance, Amelia didn't want to hear another word from her mouth. She tried to slide her legs out from under the covers but Lucia wasn't having it, stepping in her way, hands out but not touching, hesitating. Amelia grit her teeth.

"Please stay in bed, you need to rest".

"What happened to you leaving me alone?" she knew she was getting way too defensive about this, but she wasn't exactly in the right state of mind. She could feel her body complaining, her limbs felt achy and stiff and tired. Her patience had already been stretched thin, Lucia's presence was just pissing her off, making everything worse.

"That sorta went out the window when you passed out in front of me!" Lucia said, running a hand through her hair in frustration. "I wasn't just gonna leave you there?? I said I'd leave you alone but I'm not gonna ignore you if you need my help".

"I don't need your help! I didn't ask to be here" she gestured angrily around the room, "you fucking kidnapped me. I have the right to leave if I want to, you can't keep me here".

"You came here willingly!!"

Amelia's face twisted into a frown, her chest felt tight. "No, I didn't", she muttered, struggling to recall that far back. Everything had been a blur since she'd woken up yesterday morning to get to work- anything after that was foggy at best, completely gone at worst.

"You did" Lucia insisted, "you passed out and I put you on the sofa in the backroom and texted Eda 'cause I had no idea what to do! I stayed with you until you woke up and then we talked and agreed you'd come back with me to get some rest. You don't remember?"

"...No" she didn't remember ever waking up in the backroom.

"Hmmm, that's probably not a good sign".

"Why would I...agree to go with you?" that was more directed at herself but Lucia decided to reply anyways.

"It was either that or we wait for Lilith to come get you and you didn't seem to be a fan of that idea. Eda seemed really insistent that you not be alone so I offered to let you stay at my place and you agreed".

Amelia looked around the room again, noticing that...yeah, this was definitely Lucia's bedroom. She bunched her fists into the shirt she was wearing- Lucia's too, apparently, and felt a deep sense of embarrassment overtake her. Her skin felt too hot.

"Do you remember waking up last night?" Lucia asked, watching her with a strange look on her face.

Yes, she wanted to say. Bits and pieces of it. Hands on her shoulders. But she didn't. She couldn't. She blinked, the raw sensation in her eyes that only came after....whatever that had been.....was still there, ever-present. She shrugged, not answering.

Lucia frowned, continuing, "You were pretty cognizant when I drove us back to my apartment, for the most part. Kinda out of it but you'd just fainted so I thought it was just that" She paused and her eyes left Amelia to glance around the room instead, "I lent you some of my clothes because I didn't want you sleeping in jeans and also you sorta...threw up" she waved her hands as if what she'd said wasn't at all alarming, especially because Amelia couldn't even remember doing so, "it's fine, I've washed everything! And I can pick up some spare clothes or something if you give me your address".

Amelia did not want Lucia to go anywhere near her apartment for multiple reasons. She did not want Lucia to touch her clothes. She didn't want Lucia to wash her clothes with her probably horrid scented detergent that'd make everything smell so horrible she wouldn't be able to wear it.

"No it's fine" she dismissed with a wave of her hand, trying to ignore the way the shirt fell off her shoulder, the feeling of the soft fabric against her skin, "I'll leave tomorrow, go back home and get out of your way". She'd be lying if she didn't feel exhausted right now- maybe if she stayed another night it'd get Lucia off her back and she could leave. Maybe if Lucia would leave she'd start to feel better.

Lucia's face twisted into something Amelia couldn't read. "You're sick" she repeated slowly, as if that'd get through to Amelia, "you should stay here until you get better. Or at least til we figure out what's wrong".

"You can't make me stay".

"I can't" Lucia agreed, brows furrowed, "but if you go back then I'll tell Eda. She really really doesn't want you to be alone".

"Are you...threatening me?" it almost made her laugh- how the taller girl had the audacity to say such a thing.

"I don't want it to be, but if it has to be, then I suppose it is".

Amelia couldn't believe her fucking ears. "You're...threatening me to stay?"

"You shouldn't be alone while you're sick! What if you fainted and no one was there to help you?"

"Why do you even care?"

There was silence, uncomfortable, enveloping the two of them, making the air seem thick. Amelia felt her chest constrict again, the overwhelming urge to lay down almost knocked down the stubborn wall she'd started to build up against Lucia. She wanted to spit and snarl and fight her but she was also so incredibly tired.

Lucia had no reason to care for someone like Amelia. She thought she'd gotten rid of that stupid beanie-wearing idiot and yet- here she was, in her room, in her clothes. For some reason, she felt like she'd lost, but it didn't feel like defeat it felt....strange.

Whatever was happening to her was surely because she was sick.

"I can't just stop caring about someone even if they want me gone," Lucia said softly. "I can't stop caring about people, even if I never see them again, it's not how I do things, it's not how anyone does things".

"Then clearly you haven't had to deal with the real world," Amelia snapped.

Lucia's deep, dark brown eyes narrowed at her, "Maybe you just don't understand how people work".

It hurt to think about how true that statement was, but Amelia had no time to dwell on such things. She'd spent her entire life trying to understand and yet she always fell short.

Amelia looked down at her hands, at the scuffed polish, her busted nails, the faint red marks of where she'd chewed them down way too short. Any anger that she'd felt towards Lucia turned into a deep aching sadness- a tiredness that settled into her bones, weighing her down.

"Let me get you something to eat" Lucia was saying with a sigh, running a hand down her face, moving into her field of vision and stopping her train of thought before it got to dangerous territory.

"I'm not hungry".

"You haven't eaten in almost twenty-four hours, Amelia. Let me heat you up some soup".

She didn't have time to respond because Lucia was already out the door, her footsteps fading further into the apartment, leaving Amelia alone.

Amelia allowed herself to lay back against the pillows, the strain of sitting up becoming too much.

How had her life been uprooted so easily? A measly little sickness had never been a big deal, had never caused her to have strangers fussing over her. There seemed to be something about Lucia Noceda that just.....that scared her. It made her worried, what this girl was doing. To her. To the monotony she'd found comfort in.

It didn't take long for Lucia to reappear with a bowl in her hands, a plate under it with some bread and a fresh glass of water. She set everything down neatly on the bedside table as Amelia struggled to sit back up.

"Drink some water," Lucia said as she sat down roughly at her desk and switched her laptop back on. "You've been wheezing this entire time".

Amelia grumbled, embarrassed, but took the water anyways. She drank the entire glass as Lucia watched on with amusement and heaved herself upwards to refill it.

"Are you just gonna sit there and watch until I eat something?" Amelia asked sourly as Lucia sat back at the desk.

Lucia smiled, a tiny quirk of her lips, barely there. "No," she said, "I have work to do".

"Work from...Eda?"

"Nope," she popped the p and gestured towards the soup, prompting Amelia to balance the plate on her knees and start picking apart the bread for dipping. "It's a personal project. I'll tell you more about it when you don't look like you're about to pass out....again".

Amelia flipped her off and Lucia snickered at her, spinning around in her chair to face her laptop.

This silence felt more amicable, but maybe that was just because Amelia was feeling less cranky now that she was getting some food in her stomach. Her mind was reeling, having to process everything that had happened, trying not to get too overwhelmed.

Lucia wasn't going to let her leave without a fight- a fight that Amelia would've happily given if she wasn't feeling so tired. Any other time she would've been long gone from this apartment, back to holing herself up in her sad, dark little room and ignoring everyone around her. But apparently, fate had different plans for her this time.

She didn't hate Lucia, her feelings towards the girl were complicated. She'd tried so hard not to think about her, unearth those strange feelings, and she liked to think she'd been doing a pretty good job of that until she'd collapsed in front of her.

The soup was the perfect eating temperature, not too hot as to scald her tongue but not cold either- the perfect balance between both. She forced herself to eat it slowly, trying to ignore the way her stomach cramped, needing more food.

"You weren't even supposed to be in the Claire's backroom" Amelia said, spoon in mouth after the silence had stretched on for a while and a good majority of the soup was gone.

Lucia startled and twisted to watch Amelia over her shoulder.

Amelia narrowed her eyes suspiciously at her, "What were you even doing in there?"

"That's not important" Lucia eyed her empty bowl, "Want anything else to eat?"

That was a pretty obvious attempt at avoidance but Amelia supposed she could let it slide just this once. She'd hound Lucia on it later, maybe after a nap. Being angry at Lucia was becoming tiring and her bed was very comfy.

She shook her head, putting the plate back beside the bed and shuffling back under the covers. The food had definitely helped her headache and the nausea but her eyes still felt like they were about to fall out of her skull. She closed them to ease the weird pressure behind them and heard Lucia's chair creak.

"How are you feeling?" her voice sounded closer now.

Amelia peeled one eye open. "Not good" she scowled at Lucia. "Obviously".

Lucia's mouth pressed into a thin line, a humourless chuckle coming from her. "Right. yeah". She was hesitating, scratching at her hair in that way that meant she wanted to say something but didn't know how.

"I'll leave you to it," she said instead, grabbing her laptop from her desk and tucking it under her arm, "I'll be just outside if you need anything".

And just like that, she vanished back through the door, shutting it quietly behind her.

The curtains had been shut fully, leaving the room in a faded grey sort of darkness, the light trying to get in but being swallowed up by shadows. Amelia lay there and listened to the faint sounds of life coming from further inside the apartment. The way the music turned back on but only enough for Amelia to make out the rumble of a bass. The way Lucia moved around, her footsteps fading in and out of earshot as she walked from room to room. It was almost peaceful if you didn't consider the context of why she was here in the first place. 

Amelia had not been anywhere that had felt this lived in for years. She didn't know what to do with herself. So she just...didn't do anything.

She sniffled, her nose feeling clogged up, her eyes feeling weird and damp, and tried to drift off back to sleep instead of having to feel any emotion at all.

Eventually, it worked.

Notes:

giggling and kicking my feet and twirling my hair evilly >:3

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 10

Privacy was something Amelia had taken for granted, considering she had been living alone for a very long time now it made sense that she'd grown used to not being disturbed any hour of the day. Unless her neighbours were being particularly rowdy that day, had too much to drink. Her apartment building was generally pretty quiet.

Being away from that quiet space she'd called her own was making her anxious. New environments often did that to her- made her nervous, made her chest feel tight, made her unsure of how to act, what to do with herself.

Staying in Lucia's room was like that. Being woken up by the girl opening the door to grab something, the whispered apology she'd give when Amelia spat insults at her, still half-asleep, it was new and scary and so, so exhausting.

That first full day at the apartment had sorta solidified how her stay was apparently going to be. She'd woken up a few hours after her impromptu nap struggling to remember where she was, trying to cling to those last few traces of sleep because being awake was just...not going well for her right now. She lay there, trying to force herself back into sleep, her eyes closed tight, pressed against the pillow until her head started to hurt from the force and she grumbled, defeated, and sat up.

Lucia's room was warm but her skin felt cold and prickly like it was remembering how cold her own apartment was all the time. She could hear the faint whirring noise of the heater nearby, the fact that it worked irked her. It was annoying how perfect everything was here, how different it was to her apartment.

Another hour passed before that infuriating, confusing girl poked her head through the door to check up on her, smiling a little when she saw Amelia was awake.

"Want some food?"

"No".

She got food anyways because apparently, Lucia was keeping track of when she was eating now too, making sure she was getting enough to eat so she could, in Lucia's words, 'feel better'.

Whatever.

Amelia grabbed the glass of water on the bedside table, taking little sips of it as she glared at the door Lucia had vanished through into the apartment proper. Her throat felt scratchy and irritated, not in a sick sort of way- she needed a cigarette badly, it'd been way too long since she'd had one and she was beginning to get a little frustrated about it. She felt like she needed to do something with her hands, sitting in bed for a little over a day was making her antsy but she was still far too tired to do much else.

***

She found herself in Lucia's bathroom the next day in her desperation to move, a bundle of fresh clothes in her arms and a clean towel slung over her shoulder. Lucia had taken notice of her dishevelled appearance and had said that maybe a shower would do her some good. Whatever that meant.

She sat on the closed toilet lid as she watched Lucia fiddle around with the shower settings, explaining as she went. It was different from her own shower- bigger, more room, more settings too. It was warm in the bathroom and Lucia's voice was a soft mumbling drone that was pleasant in her ears, making her feel sleepy. Once Lucia had left she locked the door behind her and sighed, turning on the shower and almost flinching at the steam that rose from the water. She stuck a tentative hand into the stream and reeled back.

It was the perfect warmth.

Amelia was used to ice-cold showers that had to be had in five minutes or less otherwise she'd be shivering violently for the rest of the day. She was used to rushing, going in and immediately slavering shower gel over her body, working shampoo through her faded hair with a quickness that didn't allow her to fret over knots or tangles. In and out.

Lucia had given her a spare toothbrush and set up her shower stuff for Amelia- that bothered her the most. She wasn't sure how to deal with Lucia's generosity and certainly wasn't thinking too hard about the intimacy of using another person's shower products, wearing another person's clothes.

Instead, she stood up and peeled off her shirt, dropping it on the floor and running her hands up and down her bare arms, the cold prickling sensation of goosebumps was there but they were only phantom feelings- not actually there. She shimmied out of the shorts and stepped into the stream of warm water.

She felt her body shiver involuntarily as the water hit her skin- a shock to her system but not necessarily in a bad way. Amelia let herself stand there for a few moments, just enjoying how the water felt on her skin, the steam rising up from the bottom of the stall, fogging up the door and the mirror outside.

And then started to feel faint. She groaned as she leaned against one of the walls of the stall, trying to work through the vertigo, annoyed that this was happening now of all times.

That strange pressure was starting to build up in her nose again, growing in intensity with the throbbing of her head. She crouched down, the water hitting her back, the constant white noise of it was the only thing she could hear. Her nose felt stuffy like she had a bad cold and it needed to be blown- the feeling trickled down her throat and she started spluttering.

Red stained the water at her feet as she coughed up bile and phlegm and spots of blood, dribbling from her lips and down her chin. From her nose.

For a terrifying couple of seconds, Amelia thought she was going to pass out again. She waited, anticipating it, wondering what would happen if she did, not wanting to find out.

It was moments like these that she worried that maybe something was wrong with her. Maybe she should reach out for the hand Lucia had extended to her- perhaps it would save her from whatever this was. Whatever her life was starting to become.

Water pooled around her hands and knees as she crouched in the shower trying to figure out if she was going to throw up, pass out or was okay to stand up and continue showering.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"You okay in there?"

"Y-yeah I'm fine" she replied, voice shaking, unsure if it even reached the door over the noise of the water and her own ragged breathing. Apparently, her desperate coughing had alerted Lucia.

She stood up, using the walls to support her body and found that most of the light-headedness had passed. She breathed out a relieved sigh, wiped her nose, staring at the blood gathering in the water droplets on her hand, and then put it under the spray, washing it off.

Amelia knew that this probably wasn't the end of whatever was happening to her and she'd need to get this over and done with fast in case it happened again. She scanned the shower products lined up on the shelf, opening them up and giving them a sniff test. She wasn't a big fan of stuff that was overly scented but Lucia's stuff seemed to be okay for the most part.

Going through the motions of cleaning herself at a more leisurely pace felt strange after spending so long having to rush through her showers, hopping in and out of freezing cold water to wash off. Now, she continued with her hurried movements but allowed herself to enjoy the warmth spreading across her body as she ran her fingers through her hair, working shampoo into her damaged roots, tilting her head back so none of it got into her eyes.

When she left the shower a trail of steam followed her- the moisture in the air was starting to make her feel a little sick so she grabbed the towel she'd set out and started drying herself. It was soft and warm in her hands and smelt freshly laundered. She held it for a few moments longer than she needed to, trying to fight back the urge to bury her face in it and indulge in the soft feeling of fabric against skin.

Noises were coming from outside the door, which seemed to be normal considering Lucia never seemed to be still for very long, constantly moving about with seemingly no purpose. Sometimes with music playing softly in the backdrop, quiet enough as to not disturb Amelia's rest but loud enough to satisfy the girl in the other room.

She could've sworn she'd heard more than one set of footsteps, though.

It didn't matter, because she was too focused on drying herself and changing back into whatever clothes Lucia had tossed at her this time to realise the conversation going on in the living room.

She unfurled the black shirt Lucia had given her. I steal marine animals when aquarium workers aren't looking read the text. Amelia sighed as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Her headache was coming back.

".....I'm not mad at you for letting her stay here, I just wish you'd run it by me first".

Amelia stopped trying to hop into her borrowed shorts.

"....I know, I'm sorry! It was just a spur of the moment sorta thing" footsteps, pacing back and forth, "She just...passed out in front of me! I panicked!"

More conversation, too far away for Amelia to hear.

"....is she okay, though?"

"Yeah, she's doing better, I-"

Amelia didn't need to hear the rest to realise how badly she'd fucked up. She'd let her guard down...again. She'd forgotten one important thing.

Lucia had a roommate. She was staying in Lucia's apartment. Which she shared. With someone she did not want to see right now. She felt far too shitty to be dealing with this. Not that she ever wanted to, but at this specific time was just straight up cruel. Fate just really seemed to like screwing with her.

She finished changing and then sat on the cold tile floor, unwilling to leave the sanctity of the bathroom while there were still voices coming from outside.

Any thoughts of being able to avoid the glaring problem of them had vanished. Amelia had been doomed from the start- the second she met eyes with Lucia she should've known it spelt trouble. But she'd been...curious about this new person. Someone who looked so out of place in the small rundown town.

Amelia had vowed to never let another person into her life and yet here she was. And it hadn't even been against her will- at least not from what Lucia had said. Amelia had agreed to come here. Amelia had let Lucia in, even if it had been when she'd been too out of it to really be making such decisions.

Was it too late to take it back? She was pretty sure she could leave the apartment if she timed it right. When it was night- too dark to be seen. If she was quiet she was sure she could do it. Had she brought anything with her here? She hadn't seen anything...and she'd come directly from the mall so it must be whatever she had on at the time.

Her jacket was missing.

She hadn't seen it since...she could barely remember when. At the mall? But Lucia must've grabbed it when she drove Amelia here so it must be somewhere in the apartment, surely. 

There was so much to think about but her jacket slowly became the main source of this newfound anxiety. Because that jacket was special to her. Sentimental in a way she did not like to think about but found comfort in anyways. There was a fucking half-smoked blunt in that jacket and if she found out Lucia had stolen it she was going to become violent.

The coolness of the floor under her was starting to make her shiver, the shower long since turned off and all the warmth that accompanied it was dissipating. She didn't dare move, though, listening out for the voices outside that were still there.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there but eventually, another light knock sounded on the other side of the door.

"You still alive in there?" Lucia asked, "You've been in there for a pretty long time".

Amelia blinked as if being woken up from a trance and noticed Lucia's shadow spilling into the bathroom, blocking out the light of the living room.

"Mmhm" her voice cracked from misuse.

The air in the bathroom had become stale, she could feel her half-dried hair sticking up, staticky in the air. She smoothed it down with a hand, trying to jumpstart her sleepy limbs into moving again.

"Are you done yet? I've made dinner".

"I'm not hungry" she lied. Part of her desperately wanted to move, to do something other than sit on this cold floor. Doing what? Feeling sorry for herself? Again??? Surely she could do that somewhere a little comfier. She couldn't bring herself to move, stuck in place.

There was that familiar weight in her chest again, the one that made it hard to move. Whatever good mood she'd been in when showering had quickly gone, now she just felt gross.

Wasn't showering meant to make her feel good? Clean?? Sure, the general layer of grime had been washed from her body but she didn't feel any cleaner than when she first got here. She was clean in the physical sense of the word, but that wasn't enough. She couldn't articulate what was wrong and it was pissing her off. She needed to know things, the fact that she barely understood herself and her needs was terrifying. How had she even lived this long?

With the help of other people. She knew deep down that she would've been long gone if not for the generosity of the people around her. She was selfish for that, selfish for everything that had happened in her miserable life to lead her up to this very moment.

***

It's grey outside, on the precipice of evening. You're in your room- your childhood bedroom. Too big. Too empty. Never enough. There's not much in here that feels like yours. The few sentimental things you own have been kept hidden away from prying eyes, and now they are being placed gently into your backpack with a care you do not afford for many things in your life.

You're shaking so hard you can barely pick anything up, the skin on your left cheek feels hot. You know your body's in shock right now, you can tell from that familiar feeling of disconnect. You know that once you get over it the pain will come.

It doesn't matter, though. Not right now. You struggle to zip up your bag, your hands are shaking so bad. You give yourself a moment of respite to breathe but you know you must hurry if you want to get out of here.

You're not sure what tipped you over the edge. You could probably name multiple things, things that you've let slide for way too long. Things you'd just accepted as normal until you learned that they were not.

You stand up on legs that feel like jelly underneath you. You're pretty sure you're bleeding but you don't know where- there's an uncomfortable warmth to the side of your arm, an irritation. You heave your bag onto your shoulder with care and turn to gaze around your room. You only have one chance at this; if you leave anything behind you will never get it back.

You feel underprepared. It doesn't feel like you've done enough. The pre-packed bag that's been hiding under your bed for what feels like years now has been checked, double-checked, triple-checked. You know it's time and yet you feel yourself hesitating. Guilt is keeping your legs glued to the ground but the fear creeping up in your chest tells you that you cannot afford to hesitate for much longer.

You'll....send them a note or something. A letter that can't be traced back to you. The thought does little to quell the tightness in your chest as you break every promise held between you and them.

***

Amelia was crying and the door handle was being twisted with such intensity the door shook on its hinges. There was a voice calling out to her, hot tears spilling down her face, onto her cold cheeks. She was so cold, as if all the warmth had been sucked out of the room. Curled up on the bathroom floor shivering violently through her sobs.

This happened sometimes.....Most of the time it was due to night terrors but every now and then it happened when she was awake too. It wasn't something she could control- these memories she'd been trying so desperately to push down resurfacing against her will. She didn't know the trigger for them, or if she even had one. All she knew was that it was humiliating that this was even happening. Especially in the presence of another person. Someone who was still banging on the door, a worry in her voice that told Amelia if she didn't reply soon, the door would be kicked off its hinges.

"I'm okay," Amelia managed to choke out, sounding very much not okay.

The banging paused. There was a contemplative silence.

"Are you decent?"

"What?" she was almost shocked out of her tears at the absurdity of that question, " Yeah?"

She didn't have much time to think about her answer because suddenly the lock was shifting, the sound of metal scrabbling against metal filling Amelia's ears. She could only watch in bewilderment as the door sprung open and Lucia rushed inside, sliding against the floor to sit beside Amelia's prone form.

Amelia turned away, embarrassed about crying in front of Lucia again. Ashamed that this was even happening. Happening on the bathroom floor of an apartment she shouldn't even be in in the first place.

"What's wrong?" was the first thing Lucia asked, hands tapping her knees anxiously. "What can I do to help?"

"Forget this ever happened and go away" Amelia growled in an attempt to put up her defences. To slam the breaks on the way Lucia was looking at her. She sniffled miserably, moving to sit up so she could wipe her eyes, back facing Lucia, trying to get herself back under control.

"Sure," Lucia said, worry still evident in her voice, like she wanted to ask more questions but knew that Amelia would shut them down.

They sat on the bathroom floor for what felt like hours but were probably just a handful of minutes. Amelia faced away from Lucia, the familiar feeling of numbness that usually came with thinking too hard about her past spreading throughout her body. It was better to feel nothing at all than the aching sadness that usually followed such thoughts.

Despite Amelia's wishes, Lucia didn't move to leave, sitting on the floor beside her. Even with her back turned she could hear Lucia's nails working against the tiles, tapping out a tune. The door had been shut ever so slightly- a sliver of light leaking into the bathroom, a silent reminder that Amelia could walk out of this whenever she wanted to but still allowing her a modicum of privacy from any curious eyes.

Amelia sat with her knees drawn up, arms protectively around them, staring at her feet, the few blurry strands of hair that had fallen into her eyes, anything but the person behind her. She was not someone who particularly enjoyed crying- it never felt fulfilling to her, never cleared her head. Crying in front of other people was another beast in itself. It was humiliating, showing such raw weakness, showing a side of herself that she tried to keep away under lock and key.

She desperately wanted Lucia to say something. To get the awkwardness over and done with, so that she could be left alone to wallow in her own self-pity like she usually did. But Lucia didn't speak. She heard the rustling of clothes and the warmth of another body near her leg and she couldn't help but look down traitorously to see what the other girl was doing.

Lucia had laid down on her back and slid up to her, peering up at her upside down with brown eyes that shone amber in the bathroom light and a smile to match.

"What are you doing?" Amelia asked, voice raw, annoyed.

"Nothin'" Another pause. "I like your shirt".

Amelia glanced down at her borrowed shirt, remembering the dumb text printed on the front. She scoffed lightly. "It's your shirt, dumbass".

"Yeah, but it looks good on you!"

She couldn't help the way her heart caught in her throat. Amelia whipped her head back around, away from Lucia, and buried it in her folded arms.

"What are you still doing here?"

"Waiting for you to leave".

Amelia peeked at her from under one arm. "Why?"

"'Cause you haven't eaten and I've made dinner," Lucia said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Are you sure you want me to go away?"

She didn't know how to answer that. She didn't know what to feel. Or maybe she wasn't feeling anything at all.

"I want to go back to your room".

Lucia lifted herself onto her elbows, tilting her head to the side, "Yeah?" she shifted so that she was on her knees, hands pressed against the tile to propel herself upwards, "Come on then! Let's get you somewhere warmer, you're shivering so bad I'm getting a little worried".

Amelia hadn't realised she was still shaking until it was brought up again. She ran her hands up and down her arms and then down her legs before standing up.

She swayed slightly because of course she did. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Lucia began her hovering routine as soon as she saw her tilt to the side. Her hands were inches away from her waist- that hesitation was there, unsure if she was going to fall or not without intervention.

"Woah there! You gonna be okay to get to my room?"

"Shut up" Amelia snapped, cursing her wobbly legs that never seemed to want to work properly. "I'm not fucking helpless".

Lucia backed off and followed closely as she stepped out into the living room.

The living room was bigger than the one in her apartment, a brand-new-looking sofa sat in the middle covered with what looked like a homemade throw and several pillows that were well worn and wedged into the cushions, implying that someone had sat on them recently. A blanket was bunched up in one corner. The entire place was carpeted, unlike the grimy wooden floor that took up the entirety of Amelia's apartment, a deep desaturated navy colour. There was a coffee table with Lucia's laptop on it and several empty mugs, the TV was playing some random show, probably for background noise more than anything else. On the stand the TV sat on were piles and piles of DVDs and games and just to the left of that was a speaker and an amp, plugged into a socket by the wall.

Amelia was almost overcome by the feeling of walking into somewhere she was not meant to be. She felt like an imposter in this life that was not hers. Like she was intruding on the life they'd built for themselves in her absence, and her own selfish actions had brought her here.

In a way they had, but it was best not to think about that.

The living room thinned out and gave way to a small hallway where the bedrooms were located and Amelia stumbled wearily through it, watching the closed door adjacent to Lucia's room as if it was about to slam open and she'd be confronted with every shitty mistake she'd ever made.

She managed to make it back to Lucia's bed in one piece, falling onto the soft blankets on top and refusing to move until Lucia started pestering her about eating something. As she sat up and shuffled back so that she was resting against the pillows with the plate of nuggets on her lap, Lucia sat down at her desk chair and started swaying back and forth.

Lucia loitering around when she didn't need to meant that she wanted something. It didn't take a genius to realise that, she was used to knowing when people wanted something from her but with Lucia, that usual jolt of anxiety didn't feel as intense.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go grab some stuff from your place for you?" Lucia asked, swinging on her hair, propelling herself with her legs. "I don't mind you borrowing my clothes but none of my stuff fits you very well. You're so tiny!"

"I'm sure. I don't want you going through my stuff...." she pointedly decided to ignore that last comment lest she starts resorting to violence. And then, "Where did you put my jacket?"

Her keys were in her jacket. If Lucia wanted to she could probably just steal her keys and go to her apartment. Grill Eda or Lilith for the address and head over there without Amelia knowing. But for some reason she just...knew that Lucia wouldn't do that. She wasn't that type of person. Still, Amelia needed that extra security that her jacket was nearby. That it was somewhere safe.

"Oh, your jacket?" the taller girl hopped up, looking around as if trying to remember where it was. Amelia watched her anxiously.

She disappeared back down the hallway and reappeared a few beats later, the collar of her jacket bundled up in her hand. She set it on the back of her chair. Amelia's hands itched to grab it, pull it from the chair and obsessively check all the pockets. But she could do that once Lucia left. 

"Do you need anything else? More food? Water?" there was that infuriating loitering again.

"No," Amelia said, wanting Lucia to leave, wanting to feel the rough material of her jacket in her hands.

Lucia bowed her head in a nod and left her alone to finish off her dinner. She shoved the empty plate on the bedside table and crawled across the bed to pull the desk chair closer, picking up her jacket and placing it on her lap. She unzipped each pocket, sticking her hands in to check she still had everything she remembered she'd put in there. Keys, store keys, her lighter, a few loose cigs and...

She sighed, relief washing over her. The cold metal of the tin was all she needed to feel to relax-the contents inside untouched. To realise how exhausted she felt.

She dropped the jacket onto the floor by the bed and set the tin beside her on the bedside table. Lucia would probably get mad at her if she smoked inside her room so she'd have to see what she could do about that later. Right now, though, she needed to rest.

***

It was dark when she woke up from her nap, the tension headache from her cry earlier was back in full force, making her blindly reach for the glass of water she knew to be nearby. Fingers tracing over cold glass, she adjusted herself so that she was sitting enough to drink comfortably and downed half the glass in one go. It didn't fully help, but it was a start.

Her nap had been pretty decent for the most part- she'd passed out fairly quickly and had slept the entire time which seemed to be a rarity for her nowadays. She was feeling a lot more awake now, though the fogginess of sleep was still in the corners of her eyes, in the way her head swayed as she moved to sit up properly. 

Still sick she thought bitterly, rubbing at her raw eyes and under her nose, checking for blood but thankfully finding nothing.

It hadn't occurred to Amelia until now, sitting in the almost pitch-black room, how much this is going to fuck with her internal clock. Her sleep schedule was already rocky, but she'd managed to deal with it. She had a job to do and if she wanted to pay rent on time then she had to do it, sleep be damned. But right now, with whatever was happening to her meaning she couldn't go to work, she could sleep for as long or as little as she wanted. Which never meant anything good, even if Lucia insisted she needed the rest. 

Swinging her legs off the side of the bed, her bare foot hit the jacket she'd tossed to the side. Eyes just barely getting used to the darkness swung to look down at the tin.

It had been so long since she'd smoked- at least that's what it felt like. She hadn't gone for more than a day without a cigarette in so long and it was making her feel irritable, making her throat feel dry and raw.

She picked up the tin and slung her jacket over her shoulders as she stood up, figuring there had to be somewhere she could smoke and not get told off for it the next day. Desperation was taking over any anxiety she had about being in the apartment with other people so close by. She tiptoed to the door and leaned forward, straining her ears for any noise

Nothing. She knew Lucia was sleeping in the living room, having given up her bed for Amelia, but she had grown up having to sneak around her house at night so she wasn't too worried about waking the girl up. Ever so slowly she twisted the handle down, pushing the door open and poking her head outside. The hallway was dark, faint blue light spilling out from the living room almost made Amelia give up and turn back. The TV was on, its droning white noise was the only thing she could hear, no sounds of rustling, no voices, nothing.

Amelia crept up the hallway until she could see the edge of the sofa. Lucia's socked foot poked out from under a blanket, lanky legs too long to fit on the sofa proper, hanging off the edge. That was a good sign, though, because it meant she was probably asleep.

She managed to make it past Lucia, who had fallen asleep with her laptop balanced on her chest and the TV still on, beanie skewed on her head, covering her eyes enough that the light wouldn't bother her. Amelia refused to acknowledge how she hesitated as she passed by, watching the rise and fall of Lucia's chest. Watching how the shadows on her face flickered from the TV, shifting shadows across her skin.

It'd be weird if Lucia woke up and saw Amelia standing there so she stopped and headed over to the kitchen instead, feeling uncomfortably warm even as her feet hit the chilled uncarpeted floor.

She'd noticed the fire escape leading out of the kitchen on her way to the bathroom on her first full day in the apartment and had made a note of it just in case she ever wanted to leave. She tried it now, tugging at it to see if the door was unlocked, gritting her teeth as it didn't budge an inch. She pattered around the kitchen trying to find the key, hands sliding over the counters, fumbling clumsily in the dark, too scared to turn on any lights in case someone woke up.

It seemed as if Lucia had been prepared for this and put the key somewhere else, or maybe they had a designated place for keys that she didn't know about. What she did know was that she was seconds away from just opening the window above the sink and trying to blow as much smoke out of it as she could to avoid detection. 

Eventually, she gave up on her search.

Standing on her toes and leaning above the sink, she reached for the handle of the window, pressing down on the button and shoving it upwards.

"Should you be smoking if you're still ill?"

An electric shock of energy coursed through Amelia's body at that voice, making her grind her teeth and squeeze her eyes shut. She let go of the handle, trying to remember how to breathe, how to steady the jackhammer that her heart was becoming.

Slowly she turned around and met green eyes.

"Hey," they said softly into the dark, "it's been a while, Blight".

Notes:

this is the first fic chapter I've written with a keyboard that doesn't have broken/missing keys since like. 2019. this is freaking insane. u guys have been living like this this whole time??? why didn't u tell me???????? anyways......hope u enjoyed <3

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 11

 

Amelia was stuck. There was nowhere to go- the door next to her was locked, the window too high to reach, and her old best friend standing in the kitchen doorway. Their form blocked out most of the light from the living room, it was too dark to gauge what their face was doing. The faint blue light from the TV only just reached the edges of their glasses, the tips of their choppy black hair, but none of their features. She could tell they were watching her, could feel their eyes on her in a way that made her want to disappear.

She felt like a frightened, cornered animal waiting to be pounced on. She stood by the window, tin in one hand and her lighter in the other, probably looking as pathetic and sickly as she felt. Trapped with nowhere to go. The only person to give her any relief was the person who stood before her but for some reason, she didn't think they would give her such a thing.

They'd changed and she'd gotten worse, and now she had to face that reality whether she liked it or not.

Her throat felt too dry, it felt like sandpaper every time she tried to swallow. They stepped forward and she couldn't stop her entire body from flinching backwards at the movement. It wasn't that she was scared, she told herself. But the feeling of guilt was starting to overwhelm her senses. The knowledge that no matter how far she had run, the people she'd hurt would always get the final say.

They hesitated for a few beats before continuing to move, slowly enough that Amelia was able to move out of the way as they reached the door and produced a key, slotting it in the lock and twisting it. They nudged the door open, the angle of their face turned down to watch Amelia- there was enough light leaking in through the doorway now to see the uncertain quirk of their lips.

An invitation.

It didn't feel like Amelia had the choice to say no. It felt wrong to just...turn around and walk away. They didn't deserve that a second time.

She swallowed down the last remains of her pride and stepped out onto the fire escape. It was freezing outside, she slid her arms into the sleeves of her jacket but even then it did little to stop the cold from hitting the bare skin of her legs. Dumb idiot Lucia giving her thin shorts in winter....

Gritting her teeth, she bundled herself further into her jacket and walked across the fire escape, over to the edge to look out into the dark alley below. It was almost pitch black down there, save for a few lights coming from the windows of the apartments nearby.

The fire escape itself seemed to have been refurbished into a cute little balcony type deal. Even in the dark, she could see a couple of folded chairs pushed off to the side and a plant near the door. There was a gap in the railing where Amelia assumed a ladder was- which meant that there was no chance of leaving quickly if she needed to. There was a click from behind her and the fire escape lit up a cosy orange. Fairylights had been wrapped around part of the railing, giving enough light to make everyone on the fire escape visible, for better or for worse.

Resigned to her fate, trying to still her beating heart, Amelia opened the tin and stuck the blunt between her lips.

They snorted, a soft sound that reminded Amelia of days spent in an overheated greenhouse.

"I thought you said you were gonna quit smoking," they said lightly, the first thing in a while.

"I am," she cringed at how her voice came out, not believing a single word but wanting to prove that she was capable of doing something to them, that she wasn't a complete failure. "At some point".

"Sure" Their voice was soft with a cadence that made her shoulders slump down. They'd always had a way of articulating their sentences to make them sound like they knew what they were talking about even if they didn't. "Can I have a hit?"

A silent question. A silent confirmation that Amelia wanted this too.

Did she want this? She'd been pretty satisfied with spending the rest of her life alone, not thinking about what she'd once had. What she could've had. She was still surprised they hadn't started yelling at her yet. Maybe it was for Lucia's sake, though. Maybe they'd let her have it in the morning.

She lit up the blunt and took a pull before handing it over to them.

In the dim light, she watched them bring the blunt to their lips. It reminded her of days they'd skip school together, hiding out in the sports field near campus, crouched under the bleachers passing a cig between them. They'd never gotten caught but word had gotten back to her parents about her skipping class and they hadn't been happy about it...

They still wore the same circular glasses, though the frames were different. Amelia had always thought that round frames suited them best, accentuating their soft features, making them look less intimidating, more friendly.

She turned back to lean over the railing and gaze down at the darkness below because watching them was becoming too much. She had so much she wanted to say and yet she didn't know where to start. The fear was still there, the urge to jump over the railing and hope she landed without hurting herself, but there was something else there too. Maybe...hope? She refused to let it fester, though.

 Amelia took in a breath and spoke into the silent night air, "What should I call you?"

"Hm?"

"L-Lucia calls you Sal so I assume you go by something else now," she explained, hating the way she tripped over her words, awkward.

They made a pleased noise in the back of their throat. The blunt appeared in front of Amelia's face and she took it back.

"I go by Salix now".

Amelia nodded, making a note of it in her head, "Cool".

She didn't know what to say- words had never come easy to her but right now everything seemed so much worse. She wanted to apologise, she wanted to explain herself, to tell them that this had never been their fault. It was her fault, for escalating an already intense environment because she just couldn't help herself. She'd been so angry but now she just felt tired. 

The tenseness on the fire escape was suffocating but she was sure that she was the only one who could feel it. She tried to control her breathing but her battered, aching lungs and the joint were making that a little difficult.

"Amelia," they said, and she was surprised at how much it hurt to hear them say her name.

"I'm sorry" she warbled, because her mind was stuck. Their voice, the way they spoke her name, going on over and over in her head. A knife twisting deeper into her chest. "I'm so sorry".

"I want to tell you that it's okay but it's not. It's really not".

"I know" It was becoming increasingly difficult to not start pulling at her hair, to start scratching her arms, to pick at her nails until they turned bloody. Self destructive self soothing was what she wanted in moments like these, she knew it was bad but it helped release some of the tension that would've otherwise festered into anger. She clenched her hands into fists and stuck them in her jacket pockets. One curled around the tin, fingers trailing over the cold surface.

"We thought you'd died. We grieved for you. We...you know your parents never told us what happened to you. They just pretended like you'd never existed. We thought they'd done something to you and were covering it up- there were so many rumours" Salix's voice had a hard edge to it but it was level.

Maybe this would've been easier to hear if they'd been yelling at her.

"Every day at school someone would come up to me and ask about you. Every fucking day until graduation. I moved out of town because I couldn't stand hearing about you anymore, moved as far away as I could. It hurt but I wanted to forget because I couldn't bear the thought of people talking about you the way they did".

Amelia was shaking, eyes unfocused, just listening to the way Salix's voice wavered up and down as they ranted. She blinked in surprise as the blunt was plucked from numb fingers and didn't try and ask for it back as they started to puff away in frustration.

They had always been better at holding their temper but everyone needed their crutches. She supposed she wasn't one to talk.

"What were they saying?" she asked, voice low.

"They started acting like they'd never done anything wrong to you ever" they growled, like recalling these memories were just fuelling the fire. "That tends to happen when the person you'd been bullying for years supposedly dies and now you have to come to terms with what you'd done. Just pretend it never happened and maybe they'd feel a bit better about themselves".

"Oh...."

Salix scoffed, looking down. "Yeah".

A hand came to rest on Amelia's shoulder and she tried not to react to the feeling, squeezing her eyes shut as tight as she possibly could. A gentle nudge made her turn around, back pressing against the railing and the blunt was stuck back between her lips. She tried to hide her surprise.

"I can't say I'm not glad you're alive," they said softly, watching her. It was hard to gauge what they were thinking, their tone didn't give anything away. For all Amelia knew they were about to snap her in half with their bare hands. "But I'm still angry at you".

"I know. I deserve it".

"Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me where you were?"

Amelia swallowed down the lump in her throat. "I-I was going to, I promise. I was just...scared, I guess. That somehow it'd get back to my parents and they'd force me to come back".

"I wouldn't have said anything, you know that".

"I do" She stared at her feet, which were slowly going numb from the cold. She shuffled, trying to warm her body up, trying to stop her limbs from shutting down. "I guess I don't really have any excuse that'd satisfy you" The admittance hurt, she could see it when she looked back up into their eyes. A sort of betrayal, a sadness that'd been buried deep, deep down and was only now being uncovered.

"I don't- I'm just-" Salix ran a hand down their face and graciously took the offered blunt, "It's so hard to think of what to say to that. I've spent so long thinking about what if's and different ways that I could've stopped you from dying, I never thought I'd ever see you again. At least not alive".

Amelia felt her eyes getting treacherously damp, the aching sadness in her chest was growing tighter and tighter, like her lungs would burst and her ribcage would shatter just from the sheer emotion in her old friend's voice. She had never meant for this to happen. She had wanted them to....move on with their life once she'd left. They had, in a way, but that grief had never left them. It had festered.

"I know an apology can never undo all the shit I've done" Her voice wobbled and she shut her eyes and grit her teeth as she continued, "I understand if you hate me, if you never want to see me again. Just say the word and I'll leave-"

Salix's hand gripped her chin, big and warm against her cold-bitten skin- it almost made her shiver. Her face was lifted up, eyes opening involuntarily to catch Salix's gaze, so close to her now, like nothing had ever come between them. Like they were under the bleachers, smoke on their breaths, awkward clumsy movements, confessions, secrets that'd never leave their little spot on the sports field.

"You're so fucking stupid".

"Wh-whuh".

"I'm pissed at you, yes. I'm mad that you ran away and didn't tell me where you were. I'm mad that you made me believe you were dead for years. But if you think I want you to leave now that I know you're safe and alive then you're a fucking dumbass, Amelia".

"Yeah, but-"

"Shut up, I don't want to hear any more of your self-deprecating bullshit. It wasn't fun when we were kids and it's not fun now. I don't like what you did, it was stupid and inconsiderate, but I don't hate you, okay? I'm not going to scream at you or hurt you- I know that's what you were thinking- I'm not going to do any of that. I'm not who I was as a dumb angry teen, I've grown up. I just...want to know why".

"You have a life now, don't you want to keep living it without me dragging you back down with my self-deprecating bullshit?" Amelia asked quietly.

"Do you want me to?"

They let go of her chin and she rubbed the warm spot that was left there, her head churning through her thoughts. The blunt had definitely not helped, though she supposed she hadn't accounted for deep late-night conversations when she'd initially tried to find a place to smoke it.

"I just want you to be happy" she admitted. 

"Don't you think that I want you to be happy too?"

"I don't think I deserve it".

Salix's brows furrowed. They sighed through their nose, long and deep, "Listen, I had a life before you left too. I wanted to move away with you, that was the plan, it's your fault it never happened. You've been sabotaging your own happiness ever since I fucking met you. Why won't you let yourself have this?"

Amelia opened her mouth but Salix cut her off.

"Just- look, Amelia. I need time to process this....we should talk again properly once we've both had some sleep and are preferably more sober" they handed back the blunt, almost entirely gone by now. Amelia stared at it, smoke rising into the stale night air. "I need to know why you ran away, I need that closure if nothing else, okay? I need you to be honest with me".

"Okay. I can do that" she said, not wanting to do that at all. She wanted to give them this but there'd been things she'd been hiding from them since before she'd ran away- for good reason. Opening up that can of worms after refusing to acknowledge it for half a decade would be painful, it might even shatter everything she'd tried so hard to build up for herself. But Salix deserved to know the truth. It was the least she could do.

The door to the fire escape swung open, the sudden movement making them both jump and spin around. The kitchen light was on, Lucia's head poking out from the door, eyes half-closed indicating that she must've just woken up.

"What the- fucking hell Sal I thought someone had broken in!!" came the angry sleepy mumble.

"Sorry, Lucia" Salix gave her an apologetic grin, their shoulders tense. "We were just talking".

"We?" that was when she noticed Amelia, her eyes widening, looking between the two of them as if coming to some unspoken conclusion. Amelia was weary of what that conclusion was.

The door opened fully and Lucia stepped out, coming towards her. There was nowhere to go, she was forced to stand there as Lucia glared down at her, eyes still glazed over with sleep but there was something else there now too.

"How long have you guys been out here, you know she's sick, right?" that was directed at Salix, who held their hands up defensively.

"I know, I know, we weren't out here long".

"If she gets a cold then I'm blaming you" Lucia huffed, turning back to Amelia to tug at her jacket, making sure it was covering her bare arms properly. Amelia felt weird about all the fuss Lucia was giving her, trying to swat away her hands, trying to process what the fuck was even happening.

"I'm fine," she said, but she was aware that she'd started shivering at some point. It was so fucking cold, she was pretty sure her hands and feet were blue, halfway to frostbitten by now.

Lucia stopped trying to straighten the collar of her jacket and let out a yawn, "Okay, but you should really get some sleep. You too, Sal. I know you guys have history and I'm glad you're talking but I'm sure it can wait until the morning".

"We were just about to head back inside" Salix rolled their eyes, an affectionate quirk on their lips at their roommate's antics. This had probably happened before, Lucia always seemed to be the caring type, wanting to make sure the people she loved were taking care of themselves.

Satisfied with that answer, and probably wanting to go back to sleep, Lucia nodded at them and shuffled back into the kitchen to grab whatever she'd initially woken up for. Amelia put out the blunt and stored it safely back in the tin.

"You still have that thing?" Salix asked, voice low. They were looking at the tin in her hands, an unreadable expression on their face.

"Yeah, why?"

Their lips twitched upwards, a small amused huff.

"You know," they said, adjusting their glasses, "you have more people who care about you than you think. You always have. Maybe you just need to pay more attention".

They left her out on the fire escape, mind reeling, wondering just what they'd meant by that.

The tile of the kitchen floor felt almost warm against her freezing feet. She slowly shut the door and locked it, setting the key on the counter and walking back into the living room where Lucia was settling back down on the sofa.

It was darker now, the TV had finally been turned off, the only indication of Lucia was the lump under the blankets shuffling to get into a comfier position- or as comfy as her long limbs would allow her to be.

As Amelia walked past, she heard Lucia speak up, voice muffled and heavy with sleep.

"G'night Amelia, sleep well".

"Night" she whispered back.

She made it to Lucia's room feeling unbelievably tired in every possible sense of the word. She shrugged off her jacket, not caring where it fell and got into bed, covering herself with as many blankets as she could possibly grab.

As her limbs started to thaw, she stared at the ceiling, not really looking at it, letting her eyes unfocus so that she was just staring at the dark swirling shapes above. There was a lot to think about, a lot to process.

Salix hadn't done what she thought they would. She'd been so sure that she'd have been decked by now, given a black eye or two. But...they weren't the kid she'd left. They were an adult- she was too. They were older now, with more life experience. Salix had never been a violent kid but if she'd tried that shit back then they wouldn't have hesitated to let her have it. If it'd been the other way around she knew she would've been unbelievably angry at them. But maybe that's why they were so different now. A lot of time had passed. She had so much to think about.

Most of the reactions she'd been expecting had come from what she'd known of Salix as a teenager- they didn't account for how much they'd changed. Of course, there was still the same kid who had believed their best friend was gone forever, that was the sort of grief that would stick with a person for the rest of their life. Amelia would never forgive herself for making them go through that, she'd been selfish to think that they would just continue on with their life like nothing had happened.

They had every right to ask for an explanation as to why she did what she did. But did Amelia even know the answer to that? It'd been a decision born out of fear and pain, she hadn't been in her right mind. But even if that was the case, they needed to know that.

***

The sleep that she did get was troubled, filled with too many bad memories, too much guilt for her to really feel rested enough to get up the next morning.

Lucia appeared a few hours after she'd decided that trying to get back to sleep was futile, bringing with her a fresh glass of water and some breakfast. She sat down at her desk chair as Amelia slowly drank from the glass, trying to get rid of the headache that was starting to form.

"How are you feeling?" was the first thing out of Lucia's mouth.

"Fine".

She didn't look convinced but continued swinging back and forth on the chair and didn't comment on it, just happy to see that Amelia was eating without complaint this time she supposed.

"Sal told me to tell you that they wanna talk more after they get back from work," she said, the chair creaking with every spin, making Amelia grit her teeth.

"Okay, thanks".

"....I don't know what's going on between you guys" Lucia held up her hands as Amelia stopped chewing on her toast to glare at her, "And you don't need to tell me, I know it's none of my business unless you want it to be! But!! That being said, if you need anything, if you want to talk...I'm here for you, okay? I need you to know that".

"I don't think I should be the one you're extending that to" Amelia grumbled.

Lucia frowned, tilting her head to the side, "It applies to Salix too but they already know that".

Amelia stared down at her half-eaten toast and thought about what Salix had told her last night. She looked up and noticed Lucia still gazing at her, and then down at the pile of blankets she'd managed to swaddle herself in last night in an attempt to warm up. She swallowed her mouthful of toast, her throat feeling weirdly dry, her eyes feeling weirdly damp.

"Amelia....?"

She needed to fix this, because what she had now....wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. If she could just explain everything to Salix then maybe...she could stay here? She tried to swallow down the deprecating thought that she was being selfish in thinking this, she let herself think about what she wanted and found that this was it.

"Sorry, I guess I'm just a bit tired," she said truthfully. Her poor attempt at sleeping had made her body feel sluggish, and if she wanted to talk to Salix later then she needed all the energy she could get. After all, she was still sick.

"I'll leave you to rest, then" Lucia decided, standing up, "If you need anything, you know where I am".

And just like that, Lucia was gone.

There was a weird feeling in her chest, though it wasn't necessarily a bad one. Just an unfamiliar sensation she hadn't felt for a very long time. Salix had told her that they needed closure but maybe she needed it too. She'd spent so much of her energy trying not to think about her past, but maybe if she could process it with someone who had been there with her at the time, then maybe it'd make everything feel a little less painful.

She knew she needed help, had for a while. She'd just thought that she wouldn't be living long enough for that help to be of any use to her. What a sad thought....

Now she had a different outlook on things. If she was going to spill everything that had ever happened in her shitty life to someone, it was going to be Salix.

It was funny to think how easily her life could be shifted by people she still held any amount of trust in because those types of people had been a rarity to her her entire life. It had never felt the same with Lilith and Eda, she'd never felt comfortable talking about her past with either of them. She'd been scared- that they'd somehow contact her parents, that they'd call the police, that they'd kick her out.

Everything had felt like it could fall apart at the drop of a pin for so long. That if she spoke any words about her mother she'd appear out of thin air and snatch her back. It had been a forbidden topic in her mind, shut off and left to fester in the back of her brain for eternity while she went through day after day of the same monotony until she died.

She'd wanted that, had seen no other option but that. And that was hard to think about- to think that maybe now things would change. Change was scary and unfamiliar and uncomfortable but it was also exciting in a way that made her nervous, like she could see what her future would look like if she accepted that change but not daring to go for it out of fear.

That's what it had felt like when she'd first met Lucia. And that's what it felt like now.

If she talked to Salix and they realised how pathetic and worthless she was and didn't want to talk to her again then that was fine too. She'd accept that as long as they could continue living a happy life.

But...on the off chance that she could fix what she'd purposefully broken. Could rebuild their friendship to even a fraction of what it had once been. Then she'd take that second chance that she'd been given and never look back.

Amelia had been living in her own misery for far too long, maybe it was time to put a stop to that.

Notes:

ahhh i hope i conveyed everything i wanted to with this chapter!!! i kinda suck at writing dialogue lmao

MORE context and backstory coming next chappy!!!! >:] putting this bitch through the meat grinder (out of love)

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 12

It was the waiting that was the worst part, it always made it easier for Amelia's mind to wander into places she was not yet ready for them to go. With the added bonus of dealing with the fatigue of being sick, she was not feeling too great. Her conversation with Salix was weighing heavy on her mind, making her headache even worse.

There wasn't much she could do but lay there, listening to Lucia walk around the apartment. The other girl had poked her head into her room with the offer to move her out into the living room so she could get a little change of scenery and they could keep each other company while Lucia did a bit of cleaning, but Amelia had refused. She appreciated Lucia's thoughtfulness, she wanted to be able to say yes, but she couldn't. Not yet. She couldn't let herself have this without knowing if it was going to be taken away from her when Salix got back and decided they wanted nothing to do with her.

She did allow Lucia to prop the bedroom door open, though. To air it out a little bit. And if Lucia leaned round the doorframe to check up on her whenever she passed, then that was fine too she supposed.

Bundled up in her blankets, feeling drowsy, eyes heavy but brain too full to think about trying another nap just yet, she watched Lucia's head come back into view. The way Lucia smiled at her as she saw her form swaddled to the chin in blankets made Amelia glare at her, face warm, but it didn't do anything to deter the other girl.

"Hi," she said, stepping into the room proper, "just wanted to see how you're doing".

Amelia wasn't sure how she was doing, not really. Overall she supposed she felt fine, but internally her mind was churning through what she'd told Salix last night, what she would tell Salix later, and possibly what she'd tell Lucia if things went wrong. If Salix wanted her to leave them alone then that meant Lucia too, right? Lucia was Salix's friend first and foremost, and she didn't want to put a wedge between them just because she was incapable of sorting out her own problems in a reasonable way.

She watched Lucia's brows furrow and realised that she hadn't responded, or answered the unspoken question, just let it hang in the air. Sometimes she felt as if she got too lost in the avalanche of negative thoughts her brain provided for her on a daily basis to function. Negativity had never gotten anyone anywhere but old habits died hard she supposed.

It was hard to focus on the positivity of the situation, it was hard to realise that she might actually have a chance to put her life on a better track. She'd spent so long thinking this is it. This is my life while working at the mall that she'd started to believe that was all she was good for. Work, eat, sleep, repeat until her body finally gave out on her.

Lucia shuffled further into the room and sat on the end of the bed, which was something she'd never dared try before and pulled Amelia back from the precipice of her spiralling thoughts.

She said, "Do you want something to eat?" which was her other default greeting since she seemed so insistent on Amelia snacking throughout the day to get her energy up.

Amelia considered this but decided she felt too nervous to be able to stomach anything right now so shook her head. Lucia's lips thinned as if debating on whether to push that or not- she could be rather pushy when she wanted to be, something Amelia had had to find out the hard way. She was so confident in the way she held herself, so sure that whatever she put her mind to, it was the right thing. The fact that she'd been so willing to help Amelia even after everything between them still left her head reeling.

How someone could care so much about someone who had never given her the time of day. It didn't make any sense. Steadfast, unflinching to any hostility thrown her way, a stubborn set to her limbs that Amelia couldn't help but admire. It was everything she'd wanted to be, but unfortunately, life had other plans. She'd been withered down, chipped away at until there was nothing left but a person who felt as if she had no true purpose in life. A person who'd been told she'd never amount to anything so why even bother?

"Alright," Lucia's voice was soft, like the hum of a heater. "Salix will be back soon so I will allow it this time. But I'm gonna get you to eat something before dinner, okay?"

Amelia looked away, down at her hands. Most of the polish on her nails had been chipped off so she couldn't even have that anymore. The skin still felt raw from her anxious chewing.

She nodded because she didn't trust herself to speak. Lucia didn't comment on it, though, just hummed in acknowledgement and stood back up.

"Anways," her usual bright smile was back on her face, the way she looked down at Amelia like her lack of conversation didn't phase her in the slightest, "I gotta go clean the bathroom since I promised Sal I'd do it before they got back. Mind if I put on some music?"

Another shake of her head and Lucia grinned at her. It was so carefree, like the storm inside Amelia's head, the tension in the room, the tension between her and Salix wasn't something that needed to be worried about. But she supposed Lucia didn't need to worry, she wasn't a part of this, she wasn't trying to insert herself into it either. Her casual happiness in the face of a possibly very tense conversation later made Amelia feel slightly calmer about the entire ordeal.

If Lucia wasn't worrying then surely it'd be fine, right?

It was stupid to think that being constantly around other people for a couple days could change her outlook in such a drastic way. Amelia had spent so long by herself, her against the world, that it was hard to separate from that part of herself. The part that wanted to be alone in their own privacy, she felt comfort in it. But there was the other part that craved closeness, one that she'd tried to ignore, one that she was failing to stop from growing in its intensity.

It'd been so long since she'd had a friend.... it wasn't something she liked admitting but being in Bonesborough had been lonely.

The swell of music came from outside her door and she settled herself back down into bed and stared at the ceiling as she listened to it. This time it was something softer, something that didn't make Amelia want to grind her teeth. It was quieter too, soft guitars she could barely hear. She could hear fumbling about coming from the bathroom as Lucia got to work, humming along to the song.

It was moments like these that made Amelia feel like some imposter. The little traces of domesticity that she'd never been allowed to have, and yet here she was, experiencing them. It felt wrong to allow her to feel this, like she didn't deserve to observe these quiet moments where everything was calm.

Lucia started to sing along, her voice was low and slightly off key but in a way Amelia found more charming than irritating. The atmosphere had mellowed out considerably, she felt the tenseness in her limbs dissipate as she buried herself under piles of blankets and eventually managed to drift off to the sound of Lucia nearby.

***

There was a knock on the door that accentuated the pounding in her head as she warily opened her eyes wondering when she'd even managed to fall asleep but grateful for it all the same. Napping throughout the day was a great way to destroy her carefully established sleep schedule but even she could tell that it helped get rid of the fatigue that was trying to overcome her sickly limbs.

That didn't stop the headaches, though. She groaned, rubbing her eyes as the door opened, trying to work through the fog of sleep and failing.

"Oh- did I wake you up?"

It was Salix. Something in Amelia's chest twisted. A knife digging impossibly deeper into the already festering wound in her heart. She tried to sit up, failing the first time as her sleepy limbs failed to process what was going on.

"No" she grouched out a reply to the question, her voice sounding unconvincing in her ears.

She closed her eyes in an attempt to soothe the impending migraine pounding against her skull, and to try and quell the embarrassment of being seen in the state she was currently in. It was bad enough that Salix had to see her at all- she knew that the years hadn't been kind to her, not like her absence had made Salix. They had grown into their lanky limbs, strong and powerful and intelligent, everything that Amelia had tried to become but had fallen short because of her own inability to function as a normal human being. Amelia had tripped and fallen into living life day by day, wholly unprepared to be living alone, not knowing how to navigate life as an adult because no one had taught her how to. It was hard. She was trying but it was so, so hard.

It was humiliating to be seen like this, especially by someone who she'd once been so close to, had known her as much as she had allowed them to.

When she opened her eyes they were watching her, face twisted into the whisper of a smile, betrayed only by their eyes. They blinked, noticed she was looking at them, then ran a hand through their hair, fluffing it up- a nervous tick, Amelia idly remembered with a painful pang of nostalgia.

The next try to sit up fared better, though being upright did little to stop the ache in her chest, the pins and needles of her limbs or the sharp pain in her head. She could power through this, though. This was one step in the direction of a better life, and even if she was sick, even if she felt as if she could barely move, she would take it.

"I'm up," she said, swinging her legs off the bed as if to prove her point, "where do you want to talk?"

Salix huffed a laugh, scratching at the scalp- the only visible sign of their own nervousness. This wasn't easy for them either, she realised. Years of grief had withered them into who they were now, standing before her, and now they had to come to terms with the fact that what they had gone through had essentially been a lie.

"Let me get settled first, I just got back" They dropped their hand back to their side but their fingers worked against the fabric of their trousers, "Lucia told me to feed you on her way out so I figured I'd see if you were awake".

"I'm not some fucking pet!"

"I know," they smiled, "but if I'm making something for myself, you may as well have some too. When was the last time you ate?"

Amelia looked down at the blankets under her hands, trying to remember how long she'd been asleep for- what time was it now? Afternoon probably, since Salix was back.....She'd eaten that morning, pretty early but it hadn't been much.

Either way, she found herself standing in the kitchen with a blanket draped over her shoulders, trying to remember how to stand upright and shake off the last traces of sleep as Salix made hot drinks and heated up some food.

There was a strangeness in this little bubble they'd made themselves. Like once they stepped out of the kitchen it'd pop and implode in on itself and suddenly Salix would see that the kindness they were showing her wasn't worth anything they'd get in return.

"Where's Lucia?" Amelia asked to break the silence, trying to ease into a conversation that didn't want to make her tear out her hair.

Salix looked up from where they'd been fiddling with two mugs of coffee, "She's gone down to the mall to talk to Eda I think" they said. And then, "Do you take sugar? Milk?"

"Neither" she yawned, "has she even been going to work? I swear she's always here when I wake up".

"Sometimes she goes in later in the day, but I think Eda wants her to focus on making sure you're okay more than anything else".

The feeling that blossomed from Salix's words was something she'd have to analyse later. Or maybe stuff into the deepest corner of her mind until it was dusty, rusted over so that she could never feel it again. Feeling things was far too much for her most days, and whatever the fuck that was wasn't something she wanted to be dealing with on top of everything else.

"Oh".

A mug of coffee was pushed towards her and she took it gratefully. It felt nice to drink something other than room-temperature water, something that'd perk her up a bit. It didn't stop the storm in her brain, it didn't help with her headache but it was something. It was familiar. And she desperately needed familiarity right now, when she felt like her mind was trying to float away from her body.

It wasn't like she thought Eda never cared, she just figured that her being out of commission was a good thing, because it meant slightly fewer mall shenanigans. Amelia had not been nice to Eda, and yet here she was, hearing that the older woman was...worried about her?

She felt sick. That was nausea she was feeling, right? Right.

It was best not to think about that. One issue at a time. Right now she had to focus on Salix, she still felt extremely underprepared for the impending conversation, and no amount of small talk was going to ease her anxiety.

But she could try.

"So, you've met Eda then?" she asked offhandedly as she took the offered plate of leftovers Salix had handed her and followed them back through the living room. They gestured towards the closed door of their room and Amelia bit back a gulp, feeling like she was about to walk into the lion's den but having no choice but to do so.

Salix held open the door for her, nodding "Briefly when we first moved here. She seems like....a lot".

"You don't know the half of it".

They glanced at her curiously as the door swung shut, a question in the way they lifted a brow. "From what Lucia says, she's a good boss, though" They shrugged, sipping at their coffee, watching her over their mug. Their gaze wasn't critical, but it held something that made Amelia's chest feel tight. "Can't fault that".

Salix hadn't been angry last night, and they weren't angry now. They'd told her that they were mad, she could tell by the set of their shoulders, the uncertainty of their actions, the hesitation. There was a quietness to them that she'd never seen before, a silent fury at the situation they'd both found themselves in, though it wasn't entirely directed at her.

It was hard to understand what Salix was thinking because they weren't the type of person to be open about their feelings, not when they didn't want other people to know. They'd opened up to Amelia in the past, sure, but it had been a long time, they'd both changed so much since then, it was hard to know if they still had their usual tells.

One thing she did know was that she wasn't deserving of whatever...this was. The calm before the storm. She was grateful for it, though.

Salix's room felt a lot fuller than Lucia's, with almost every possible surface covered by something. Their desk was cluttered with thick wads of paper stapled together, textbooks of all kinds, sticky notes- they had always been more of the academic type, the way they studied was messy but efficient. It had always surprised Amelia that they'd once struggled to keep their grades afloat, but it felt almost comforting to see that they were still keeping up old habits.

There were plants too, ones she recognised, on the edges of her mind, as ones that Salix had once shown her in their dads' greenhouse so long ago. There were labels on every pot, Salix's small, neat handwriting on them. It was obvious that a lot of care had gone into maintaining them, and Amelia took extra care to walk around them so as to not disturb them in any way.

"Sit down, Amelia," Salix said, amused.

There weren't many open spaces to sit and Amelia perched on the end of their bed. Salix gave her a look and she brought her legs up to cross them but didn't move any farther onto the bed. It felt wrong, making herself comfy in here. This was Salix's space and she was nothing but a parasite, leeching off the kindness of others.

She'd been so certain that this had been the right choice, and she still did. But her anxiety was making it difficult to find a way into talking about what they'd gone over last night. What would she even say? How would she even word it? It was all so overwhelming.

"Stop overthinking," they told her, swinging their chair around to grab their mug and take another sip. "Just start from the beginning".

"Oh.....now?"

"We can wait until after we've eaten if you want".

Amelia looked down at her food, barely touched. She wasn't feeling very hungry.

"No, now is fine".

She could feel their eyes on her, it made her scratch self-consciously at her arms, trying to self-soothe, trying to form words in her head, put them in the right order so that Salix would understand why she did what she'd done. It was hard, she'd been blocking out her past for a long time now, reopening old wounds was going to be messy...

But...maybe she needed this as much as Salix needed it too. Maybe this would be the closure that'd finally force her to move past everything she'd gone through and continue on with her life.

Swallowing down the doubts that were trying to fester on her tongue, she opened her mouth and spoke.

***

It hadn't started off as anything more than what you'd usually expect from your mother. She had never been the type of woman to give her love out openly, instead giving it to you and your siblings in the form of pushing you to get better, to improve and then improve again, constantly pushing the limits. Her love was shown in every milestone hit early, every award given, every achievement earned.

But it'd been clear from the start that you were not what she wanted.

You'd tried, though, because it was all you could do, to get anything out of your mother that could resemble affection. You missed milestones, you fell behind in school because couldn't retain information like everyone else could, you were too emotional, cried too easily, too weak for the Blight name.

Your mother had made it clear that she wasn't happy with your progress, pushing you to get better, pushing you until you couldn't take it anymore, until you lost control of yourself, screaming, crying, nails digging into your arms so hard they drew blood. Shaking, rocking, pulling at your hair.

She'd get so angry at you when you lost control of yourself.

But it was just how she showed love. It was the little things. She was trying to help.

You knew your mother loved you.

And then you met Sal. The only kid who didn't think you were too weird to sit next to. Who'd help you on your expeditions to the grassy part of the playground to dig up pretty rocks, who'd play pretend with you when every other kid had scoffed and laughed when you'd asked them. You're too old for that, they'd say. And you'd look at them and see someone who didn't understand. Didn't think the way you did.

It was isolating. You tried so hard to make friends but no one would give you the time of day.

Except Sal, and you loved them for it.

Your mother wasn't happy with your friendship with them, but reluctantly let it play out because it seemed as if your grades were improving with the extra help. For a time you were happy, you felt like maybe things could get better, you just learned a different way, that's all! That was okay as long as it made your mother satisfied.

That's why it hit you even harder when you realised something was...wrong. Wrong with you, but also wrong with your parents. Everything you'd grown up with, everything you'd thought was normal was smashed to pieces before your very eyes. Just like that.

You could never blame Sal for that realisation. But meeting their dads, seeing a family that was so pure and genuine and loving in the ways your parents were not...it did something to you.

You started falling back on your grades, you started giving up because nothing you could possibly do could ever get your mother to love you so why even bother? You were stuck in a house with parents that didn't care about you, who told you that you'd never make it in the world, because people like you never did.

And you believed it, because it was all you'd ever known.

It got worse when you started high school, you'd spent so long just going along with whatever your mother said because it was easier that way. But now you started to fight back. You were so, so tired. The bullying got worse. Turns out other kids could tell when there was something off about you but they didn't know what, just that you were different and they didn't like it. No one ever did anything to stop it, your mother had told you to suck it up.

Your workload doubled and the taut line that was your patience was about to snap.

It did. And your mother got worse.

You threw yourself in front of your siblings to protect them, fighting back against your mother in an attempt to get the attention off of them. Maybe if you were causing trouble, she'd let them off easier, was your thinking. You didn't see the problem with it- they had much brighter futures than you'd ever had, and if this was the only way to make sure they were safe then so be it.

***

"Don't you think running away kinda ruined that plan?"

Amelia clenched her hands into fists. This was all pretty standard stuff, stuff Salix was aware of for the most part. They'd known about how shitty Amelia's mother was, but she had never felt comfortable with them knowing the full extent of it.

"I know that," she ground out, nerves fraught. Talking about this had never been easy.

Salix ignored the sharp tone in her voice. Their jaw was set, a fire behind her eyes as they spoke, "Y'know, you leaving was really hard for them. They didn't understand where you'd gone" Every word was a knife in Amelia's heart, digging deeper and deeper. "They'd ask your parents where you'd gone and then when they didn't get any answers from them, they came to me".

Amelia looked away because making eye contact with Salix was becoming unbearable.

"What was I meant to say to them, Amelia?" they continued, "What was I meant to tell them? That you'd died? They were just kids".

They didn't need to say any more, because Amelia knew all the pent-up emotion behind their words. What they'd had to go through, what her mother had put her siblings through in her absence....it was something she'd been trying not to think about. About how easily she'd abandoned everyone, and how that'd affected them.

It would've been easier if she'd died.

"Can-" Amelia swallowed thickly, eyes screwed shut, "can I finish?"

Salix nodded but it took Amelia a few moments to collect herself again to continue.

***

It worked for the most part. If there was one thing you were good at, it was being a nuisance. All that pent-up anger towards your mother, for what she did, and for what she didn't. The childhood that'd been stolen right under your nose. The childhood you wished you could give to your siblings.

So you started fighting back. You started skipping class, staying out later when you knew your mother wanted you back home. You stole cigarettes from your father, you swapped out his expensive whiskey bottles with water. And he didn't even fucking say anything. He didn't even look at you most days.

Anything to get a semblance of control over your life, anything to actually be able to feel something other than the overwhelming sense of failure that had followed you around your entire life.

It got worse. And you got worse. Everyone could see it, even Sal. They asked if you were okay and you said yes because you were always better when you were with them. They made you feel like an actual human being. They never pushed it, never wanted you to say anything you didn't want to. At the time, you were grateful for it, but thinking back on it....it could've saved you.

The arguments you'd have with your mother were explosive, loud, echoing all throughout the manor to the point your siblings could definitely hear it. You'd never been good at controlling yourself but when it was fighting with your mother you'd let go. It was freeing, in a way. It felt good to take out some anger on the person that'd caused it.

Unfortunately, your actions had consequences.

The first time an argument escalated into something more, it'd taken you by surprise. You never expected your mother to act in such a way, even after everything else she'd done to you.

She got in your face but you weren't backing down, you never did. It egged her on- you knew you were doing it on purpose, just to get a reaction out of her. You had instigated this and therefore what happened next was something that had been in your control. Or at least, that's what you told yourself.

She slapped you.

Your head reeled back, stinging pain shooting up your cheek. You could barely comprehend what had just happened, your mind going blank. It was enough to snap you out of your anger, an ice-cold feeling of...dread maybe? Dread of what had just happened. That this was a turning point in your life. Like you'd just done something very, very wrong.

Your mother grit her teeth, hands clenched into fists by her side. She sighed deep through her nose and then walked calmly over to the freezer and grabbed something inside.

Stood frozen in place, not sure whether to run, fight back or burst into tears, your mother grabbed your chin and pressed an ice pack to the irritated red skin of your cheek. The pressure was too much, it was uncomfortable but you could bring your body to move, your breathing had become ragged, fighting back tears because of the fear that you'd get scolded if you cried.

Your mother said, "You know I love you," her voice soft, pressing the ice pack further into your cheek.

"I know"  you winced, your chest filling with a traitorous hope that maybe this time she was telling the truth.

She cupped your cheek, the one that wasn't aching from the cold of the ice pack and tilted your head up. Her eyes were cold, no emotion behind them, lips pulled into a taut line as if she'd just eaten something sour. Like she couldn't stand looking at you.

You looked at her and hoped to find any trace of remorse for what she'd just done and found nothing.

After that, you tried to go on. Tried to forget about the feeling of palm against cheek, the stinging, the swelling. You thought you'd be scared to face your mother again but seeing her just made you more angry. Disgusting, ugly festering anger that swelled deep in your chest, it made you antagonistic and cynical and jaded.

But each day you would meet up with Sal and the tension threatening to shatter your ribcage would lessen ever so slightly. You never told them about what had happened because you were scared. Mostly of the power and money your mother could use to leverage this against their family if word ever got to them. It would not end well and you did not want to ruin another person's life other than your own. So you kept quiet.

You started talking about running away and with what context they had about your home life they agreed that as soon as you both turned eighteen you'd move away together. You started researching housing nearby- you wanted to keep close to your siblings, you didn't want them to think you'd abandoned them. You wanted to make sure they were safe, at least until they were old enough to leave too.

Once you were all out of that miserable manor you could leave for good. Move to the other side of the country and live a life knowing that everyone you loved was safe, away from your mother.

That had been the plan, but unfortunately, you hadn't accounted for any obstacles that'd get in the way. The obstacles being your rapidly deteriorating mental health and the fights with your mother that had only seemed to escalate beyond a scale you thought was impossible to achieve.

You should've stopped, tried to de-escalate the situation when objects started being thrown, but you didn't because this was the only way you could release your anger without hurting someone you actually cared about.

Your feelings made you weak. Deep down you did care about what your mother thought about you and that was why it hurt every time you fought. It was just confirmation that what little love you still tried to cling on to for your mother, it wasn't reciprocated. It never had been.

As it got worse, it bled more and more into your social life. You started distancing yourself from everyone you were close to. It felt easier that way, like you didn't want them to be weighed down by all your impending problems. You were a bad person, that much was clear, and you didn't deserve to be loved by anyone the way you wanted to be. It simply wasn't meant to be.

You'd come to terms with that, the fact that you weren't sure if you'd even make it to eighteen. Scared for your life but powerless to stop it, not wanting to. If you died then you died and that was that. There would be no one to mourn you anyways.

Every time your mother would get physical she'd grab your face, press an ice pack to your wound and tell you she loved you. And every time you would say it back, believing it less and less. You'd go up to your room and cry, you'd wake up the next day and cover any marks that might still be visible. You got good at makeup and bandaging wounds and you shut your mouth and didn't speak unless spoken to.

The night you ran away was probably the worst night of your life. You'd gotten back from school later than your mother wanted you to after spending the afternoon hiding under the bleachers smoking instead of going to class. You were just coming down from your high, enough so that the usual pleasant buzz had gone away, now leaving you with your treacherous thoughts instead.

You were in a bad mood, which didn't mean much because you were always in a bad mood. If your mother noticed anything she didn't say anything, but she seemed to be acutely aware of any shift in mood these days, as if she were itching for a fight. And you gave it to her, you always did because in a way, you were too.

It had happened in her study this time, which should've been your first indication that something was about to go wrong. It wasn't often you were called to her study, but when you were it was usually to discuss something school related. Your grades had gone down a considerable amount since the start of the year, you'd tried to stop your mother from acquiring your report card for this very reason. But you hadn't tried hard enough. It was on her desk when you arrived.

She did her usual act of scolding you for your poor grades, poor attendance. You rolled your eyes and bit back with equal amounts of venom. You were tired, your grades were lower than they had been but they were still decent enough that you'd pass all your classes. But that had never been enough for your mother, she wanted the best of the best and she refused to acknowledge that that was something you could never give to her.

Maybe if you'd applied yourself more you could've. But that wasn't the point. Nothing you could do would make your mother have an ounce of respect for you. Why try and fill something that had never been there in the first place?

It turned into a screaming match. Her voice rang in your ears, you could barely hear anything else but that and the rushing of blood in your ears as that usual tight feeling in your chest expanded into anger. It was easy to hide behind anger, it was easier to be angry than hurt at what your relationship with your mother had become.

Most of all you were scared. But when you were scared you would lash out, your mother would take it for anger and she would respond accordingly. It was a never-ending cycle of abuse that you felt like you were never going to escape. Though you weren't sure you wanted to, something was pulling you back every time you tried to break free. The familiarity was almost...comforting, in a way.

It was stupid to think back on it, how everything had escalated from one dumb argument about a report card. But it hadn't been just that, it'd been something much, much larger. Something that'd been festering under your skin for years and years, something that was inevitable and yet, when it happened it threw you out of the loop.

Suddenly you were hurting in a way you'd never hurt before. Pain blooming in your shoulder, accompanying the ache in your cheek, static down your neck, the phantom sensations of hands on you still present in your mind. Never gentle, always rough, with the intention to bruise. She'd thrown something at you. Hard. The pressure in your shoulder increased, spreading down your arm, to your back. Something warm sticking your shirt sleeve to your skin.

You felt your breath leave your lungs all at once, your body go rigid. Your mind grew foggy, it was hard to comprehend what had just happened because suddenly nothing made sense, you could barely remember who you were, where you were.

"Get out of my sight" your mother spat, smoothing down her hair. "And don't come down for dinner. If you think you can get away with this again then think again, I won't have you falling behind your siblings" and then, "You know I'm doing this because I love you, Amelia".

"I know".

You were dismissed, just like that. Like nothing had happened at all. You remembered turning around and walking calmly out of her study back to your room. You remember feeling light-headed and a little woozy, your hands shaking as you sat on your bed. You remember feeling terrified, like every altercation you felt that lingering fear that she'd come back for more.

It wasn't the first time blood had been drawn but it felt like the tipping point. You were already nothing to her, dirt under her boot. Disposable, a punching bag, nothing like your siblings, nothing like anyone had wanted. Nothing like you'd wanted. You'd always thought that it was better you than your siblings, that if they didn't have to go through this then everything was fine. But you were not okay. You'd tried to be okay for so long but you knew deep down that you weren't. And there was nothing you could do to fix that. Not here.

You weren't thinking straight when your body sprung into motion. You were running entirely on adrenaline, entirely out of your control as you crouched under your bed and grabbed the bag you'd pre-packed a long time ago. It had all the essentials; enough stolen cash to get you far, far away from the manor, some food and water and basic toiletries, a blanket and some spare clothes.

It'd been the plan to use the cash for a deposit on an apartment with Salix when you were old enough to leave. That way you'd have time to find a job and not have to worry about cash too much until then.

That didn't matter right now, though. You knew you had enough to get a bus ticket to somewhere far away from here. And after that? You weren't sure, you supposed that was something future you would have to deal with.

With the bag on your shoulder, the clothes on your body and one last gaze around your room, you crept down the dark hallways of Blight manor for the last time.

You stepped out onto the gravel driveway and didn't look back.

***

"Amelia-" Salix mumbled, trailing off. There was something in their tone, a hardness to it that made Amelia's heartbeat pick up.

She stared at the half-full coffee mug in her hands because she thought if she made eye contact with Salix the last of her resolve would crumble and she'd finally break. Shatter into a million pieces. Become unfixable.

Coming to terms with what her mother had done to her had been hard, and some days she still had that sick hope that maybe...she'd done it because she'd wanted Amelia to get stronger. She'd never admitted such things to anyone, she'd never talked about it before. It was hard reliving those memories, it was hard thinking about what she'd left behind.

"Um. So, yeah" Amelia sighed, not sure what to do now that she'd aired all that out. It was in the open now, someone else knew, and it made her feel raw and exposed and just very icky. "That doesn't excuse me leaving without saying anything, but now you know why..."

From the corner of her eye, she watched Salix run their hands down their face, taking off their glasses to rub the lenses thoughtfully on their hoodie. There was a silence in the room that stretched out for far too long. It made her nervous.

Salix stood up and Amelia's eyes snapped onto them. They took the mug gently from her hands, put her almost full plate of food on the desk and then....sat next to her on the bed. 

Amelia immediately went rigid, she wasn't sure what sort of reaction she'd get from Salix but she'd managed to recover enough to be on guard.

She didn't expect to be enveloped by two arms, pulled closer into a warm body that smelt of soil and freshly cut grass, of greenhouses and hot summer days. They started rocking her and she let out a traitorous little sniffle that only seemed to make them hold her tighter.

"I'm sorry your mum thought it was okay to hurt you," they said, voice muffled by her hair, "I'm sorry I didn't see what was happening. I'm sorry".

"Why are you apologising? I hid it from you on purpose" Amelia mumbled, her voice cracking with emotion bursting at the seams, threatening to spill out.

"I guess I just wish I could've been a better friend. One that you could tell something like that to. I'm sorry for making you think you couldn't tell me".

Amelia didn't like being held, she hadn't been held like this in a very long time. It felt foreign, but not in a bad way like she thought it would. It felt familiar when it was Salix holding her. Like she'd come home from a long journey away and her best friend had greeted her at the door.

"You were a good friend, Sal. You helped more than you think. It was just...too much. I was so scared," her voice sounded wet in her ears. "Scared t-that she'd hurt me bad enough to-" she stuttered, her voice falling flat, unable to finish her sentence.

It felt like she'd been crying far too often lately, she needed to calm down. She felt exhausted, she felt like she needed to sleep for a week straight.

"I regret leaving when I did, but I can't take that back" she continued slowly, trying to school her voice into something that didn't sound like it was on the verge of tears, "I've never stopped feeling guilty about leaving you and my siblings behind".

"But you couldn't come back" Salix finished softly.

"I could've at least told you I was okay. I didn't know you'd assume I'd died, I guess I just thought you'd move on with your life like I'd never been there in the first place".

"That's not how anything works. You can't just forget about someone you care about" Salix ran their hands up and down her arms in a soothing motion "What you did was kinda dumb and reckless but I don't blame you for wanting to get as far away from that bitch as you could. You've always had such little regard for your own life, Amelia. Even I could see that. I just wish I'd done something about it when I could".

Their hands stopped moving, and Amelia almost looked up from her comfy perch in the crook of their neck to see what they were doing. But then their hands travelled to her hair, tugging gently at the green strands.

They said, "I guess I can do something about it now, though".

And Amelia let out a shaky breath, the weight of the conversation falling off her shoulders, into the pit of her stomach where it sat uncomfortably as she allowed Salix to continue rocking her, scratching at her scalp.

Amelia Blight had never been okay. Everyone had known it, she'd grown up being told she would never get anywhere in life. But sitting on Salix's bed, surrounded by their warm presence, she thought that maybe that was okay. Maybe she didn't have to be what everyone wanted her to be, as long as she was happy.

She wasn't okay. But there was something new in her life- the happiness that she'd craved for so long. Just out of her reach, but maybe if she pushed, maybe if she leaned forward, stretched out a little further, she could get it. And then maybe her life would amount to something.

There was only one way to find out.

Notes:

this chapter isn't perfect but i need to post it now otherwise i will keep tweaking it forever and ever. writing amelia angst makes me want to eat drywall (affectionate)(exploding her with my mind)

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 13

There was a feeling of melancholy that had washed over Salix's room. At some point Amelia had closed her eyes, the feeling of Salix's arms around her and the fatigue of the conversation was making her head feel foggy. There was a lot to think about, a lot to process with everything she'd said. It still felt so strange to have it all out in the open, but she supposed if anyone had to know, she was glad it'd been Salix.

It was hard, she didn't feel good talking about what her mother had put her through. It brought back bad memories, phantom sensations going up and down her skin as if she were still there in her study. It was one of the reasons she didn't like being touched. Rarely was she touched with anything but harmful intent.

But...she trusted Salix. Even after everything, even if they hated her, if they never forgave her for leaving, she trusted them and she always had. It was her one weakness, the one thing her mother hadn't been able to take away from her.

They pulled her closer with no intent of letting go and Amelia allowed it because it was the only thing holding her together right now. The only thing stopping her from floating away.

She wasn't sure how long they'd stayed there, curled up on the end of Salix's bed. She might've even drifted off at some point, she wasn't really sure, the next...however long coming and going in a blur. She felt tired, she felt empty in a way she couldn't describe, like all the emotion had been sucked out of her while she was talking to Salix and now all that was left was an empty husk.

Eventually, the sound of a door opening and closing caused Salix to shift. Amelia blinked, feeling as if she'd just woken up from a very heavy sleep even though she was sure her eyes had been open the entire time.

"Hiii!" called a voice from the living room.

Amelia made a noise of complaint as Salix shifted. Gentle hands guided her down onto the soft mattress, the immediate coldness that seeped into Amelia's tired limbs as Salix let go and stood up made her bite back a whine.

Cheek pressed against their pillow, limbs refusing to move from the comfy perch they'd found themselves in, Amelia looked up at Salix as they padded to the door. Their hand rested on the handle as they turned to look back, a melancholic smile on their face.

Their eyes were a little glassy. They looked tired, like the weight of what Amelia had told them was heavy on their shoulders. Perhaps they were thinking about past memories now soiled with the reality of Amelia's situation. Both of them had a lot to think about now, that was for sure.

"Do you want to stay here?" they asked, voice low.

Amelia felt herself hesitate, the negative voice in the back of her mind was trying to convince her she wasn't welcome to stay in their room.

She said, "I don't want to be in the way" because she'd already asked for so much from them, they deserved a break from her at the very least.

Movement was coming from outside as Lucia took off her boots, hung up her jacket. Amelia did not want to stand up. She didn't want to see Lucia right now either- feeling too raw and emotional to be dealing with any sort of casual conversation.

She knew that if Lucia saw her like this, the open wound of her heart, the dried tears on her cheeks, the way she held herself so, so tiredly- she knew that Lucia would scoop her up into her arms and not let go until she was better. And for some reason, she didn't think she could deal with something like that right now. If Lucia held her in her arms, with no knowledge of why she was feeling this way. Doing it for the sole reason of comfort, no strings attached. It might just break what was left of Amelia.

Lucia cared too much. Lucia felt too strongly. It scared Amelia how much she cared for her in such little time they'd known each other.

"You know you can stay here as long as you need" Salix's voice cut through her thoughts, soothingly deep. "You could never bother me. Hasn't that already been proven?"

"I should go" Amelia insisted, not making a move to get up despite her words, "To give you time to think about what I told you".

"Why would I need time to think?"

"To...." she paused, trying to find the right words through the slog of her mind. "To think about whether you want me to stay in your life or not".

Salix frowned, turning fully towards her. Amelia sat up on shaky arms, not daring to look them in the eye. White hot shame settled in her chest, she hated this. She hated what she'd become. She felt so weak, the fact that she'd let her life fall into other people's hands and now they decided her fate. It made her feel sick how easily her life could slip back into the painful monotony it had once been by a few words uttered by her childhood best friend.

"What???"

Amelia let herself look up, nails running anxiously up and down her arms.

"Amelia..." Salix took off their glasses to rub at their eyes, sighing through their nose. "Why would you think, after these last two days, that I'd want you to leave? I just got you back".

"I have a lot of baggage" she replied because that made the most sense in her head. She didn't want to be weighing Salix down with her problems, especially since they themself seemed to be doing well in her absence.

Salix looked at her, unimpressed by her poor excuses. They turned back to the door, speaking as they twisted the handle, "Look, you can stay in here for as long as you want, I don't mind. Please try and finish your food, it'll do you some good".

They left and Amelia was alone. She curled up in the bed that was not her own, pressing her cheek against the pillow that still smelt faintly of her old friend and tried not to let the panic welling up inside her chest fester into something she couldn't control.

She didn't know what to do, frozen in place. Being alone sounded like torture right now, especially after the comfort Salix had given her, but asking for more felt selfish. She didn't deserve to be another burden in their life, she didn't deserve comfort for what she did, not in her eyes. It was hard to wrap her head around anything Salix had done, but she was grateful for it all the same. She would allow herself this brief respite from everything for as long as Salix would let her.

It was so tiring trying to live her life like this. She wished she didn't have to. That something could've changed, that she could've been happy in some other universe, not holding this immense trauma on her shoulders, stopping her from moving on with her life, stopping her from functioning most days.

There was a lot to think about but right now she didn't have the energy to do anything. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over herself and listened to the faint voices coming from outside the door. She curled up into a ball, bringing her knees to her chest, and let herself cry, because that was the only thing she could do. She felt helpless, exposed. She wanted comfort more than anything but was still far too afraid to ask for it, like if she did Salix would laugh at her for being weak. Wrapping her arms around herself, she buried her face in Salix's pillow.

***

Amelia hadn't realised she'd fallen asleep, which seemed to be happening a lot lately. She'd somehow managed to wake herself up from a bad dream, her heart pounding, body covered in a cold sweat as she frantically tried to claw her way to consciousness. Her body was tangled in the blanket, legs sticking out and prickling against the cold air. She groaned, blinking her eyes open, trying to remember where she was.

Right. Salix's room. The conversation. She sighed, running her hands down her face, up her arms, fingers trailing lightly over scars, memories that were etched permanently in her skin.

She should move, it wasn't good for her to be staying in bed wallowing like this. But it was hard, it was always so difficult to function when she was reminded of her past, like it was impossible to move on from it no matter what she did. It was always in the back of her mind, the ever-present threat of it lingered just out of view to catch her off guard when she least expected it.

The noises coming from outside the room drew her eyes to the door. Lucia was laughing at something, her voice came through the door clearly as she teased Salix about something, the light joking tone of her voice made Amelia feel warm. She scratched idly at her arms as she sat up and listened, wondering what they were talking about, wondering if Lucia had asked about how she was doing....

Not that she cared if Lucia asked such a thing. She was still a little out of it from her impromptu nap and heavy conversation she'd just had with Salix, that's all.

Still, it made her swing her legs over the side of the bed and stand up. She swayed as she stood, the blood rushing to her head, the ache behind her eyes increasing until her vision grew staticky. Amelia powered through it, finding perch on the bed and slowly walking around it in the vague direction of the door. The voices grew in volume as she approached, but before she could move to open the door she stopped.

Her vision was coming back but the light-headedness that came with standing up too fast stayed. She leaned heavily on the wall, worried she might actually fall. But still, she hesitated.

What if they didn't want her there? What if Salix told Lucia everything she'd said and she hated her too???

It was stupid, she knew it. She was jumping to conclusions that made no sense considering how Lucia had treated her in the past. She was just...worried, she supposed. She didn't feel like she belonged here no matter what she did, no matter how welcome Lucia and Sal had tried to make her feel.

"Stop it" she growled at herself, voice cracking. "Stop doing that".

She put a stubborn hand on the door handle and twisted it before she could second guess herself, pushing it open and stumbling out.

"Look who's finally awake" came a teasing voice that lilted into concern when Amelia started falling forward.

Two arms wrapped around her and Amelia reflexively held on as she was pulled back up into a standing position. She felt warm, steady hands holding her, pulling her towards the sofa and she allowed her legs to follow because she wasn't sure if she could walk on her own right now. The light-headedness was back, her ears rang as the noise of the TV was heard over someone pattering about in the kitchen. She let herself be lowered onto the sofa, falling to the side with her head resting against the back as she tried to stop the nausea rising up her throat.

She felt like shit in every conceivable way. Like her body was trying to reject itself, like her brain was trying to push itself out of her skull. She wouldn't blame it. It sucked being her.

The hands were still on her, sliding up to rest on her shoulders. She leaned her head to the side and made eye contact with Lucia, suddenly becoming hyper-aware that it was her hands on her now. She tensed up and something in her face must've alerted Lucia to her panic because the hands were off her at once.

She immediately regretted acting the way she did. The cold spots on her shoulders made her feel even more numb.

"You doing alright?" Lucia asked softly.

"Not really" Amelia whispered, too tired to even attempt to put up the facade that she was okay.

"What do you need?"

No one had ever asked her that before...

She hesitated.

Comfort. "Nothing".

Lucia looked at her for a few seconds longer, as if trying to decipher something but nodded, getting up to pad into the kitchen. She came back with some water which she handed to Amelia and insisted she drink some before she sat back down.

Salix peered round the doorway and smiled when they saw Amelia sitting rigidly on the sofa next to Lucia.

"Did you eat the rest of your food?" They asked.

"......No" she'd forgotten about the food, it was still sitting on Salix's desk along with her room-temperature coffee.

They didn't seem angry by this, though. "That's fine, we're probably gonna make dinner soon so you can have some of that".

Amelia didn't feel hungry, or like she'd be able to eat anything soon, but nodded anyways. She didn't want to cause any more trouble than she already had, she didn't want to stress Salix out about anything else.

She sat on the sofa a respectable distance from Lucia and watched TV, because retreating back to her room sounded bad. She didn't want to be alone right now, no matter what her body was trying to tell her, and if Lucia would allow her to stay and watch whatever dumb show this was with her, then she'd stay as long as she could.

It'd been so long since she'd watched TV. There was a strangely nostalgic feel to it, a warmth in her chest that she couldn't quite name.

Soon Salix joined, falling onto the sofa between them and shuffling closer to Amelia, their knee pressed up against her thigh, the slightest bit of contact, a hesitant question perhaps.

And Amelia wanted to answer. She wanted to let Salix hold her like they'd done in their room. More than anything in the world. But she was weak- the thought of showing such weakness to Lucia was what held her back. She didn't want Lucia to know she was mere seconds away from falling apart.

But she did let herself inch closer until her shoulder hit their arm. She needed to look at the way their lips quirked up into a tiny smile at the contact- confirmation that everything was going to be okay.

She told herself it was all going to be okay because if she didn't the negative thoughts would come back and she'd spiral out of control. She couldn't deal with that right now. Not after the last 24 hours, she was already barely hanging on by a thread as it was.

For some reason, she thought that telling Salix everything would make her feel better. And it did in a way, it felt nice knowing she wasn't the only one having to deal with the burden of what her mother had done to her, but it also felt...very bad. It felt exposing, the knowledge that someone else knew that her mother had not acted as a mother should made her skin crawl in more ways than one. It was both good and bad in a way, that she didn't have to deal with this alone.

They were watching some cooking show, something Lucia insisted they watch once Amelia had told her she'd never seen it before. She didn't really see the point in it but let Lucia ramble on as she watched, a pleasant noise washing away all the horrible thoughts from her head.

When Lucia got excited she moved. A lot. Her legs, her hands, her mouth, her eyebrows, everything. It had felt overwhelming at first, to have someone in her space, to have someone so openly flapping her hands, pacing and rocking on the balls of her feet as she talked. It reminded Amelia of everything she'd tried so hard to hide, it made her chest feel tight.

Something warm trickled down her nose and she closed her eyes as the pressure spread up to her eyes, to her head, the numbness coming back in a hazy cloud.

Lucia stopped talking, it seemed as if she'd been asking her a question before realising what was happening. She disappeared from Amelia's vision as she tried to subtly catch the blood from spilling down her chin and onto her borrowed shirt.

And then Salix turned around and noticed the blood too and she winced as they shifted to face her.

"Don't worry, this happens all the time" she said, hand cupped under her chin, a headache beginning to fester behind her eyes.

Lucia reappeared with a clump of tissues in her hands. Amelia took it and started to wipe the blood from her face.

"Is your head hurting too?" Salix asked.

Amelia nodded.

"Hmmm....I guess I never asked about the symptoms of your illness" It was phrased as a question, directed towards her but before she could open her mouth and insist she didn't need to answer because she was getting better, honest, Lucia interrupted her.

"From what I've picked up" she started pacing again, "Amelia's been sleeping a lot and looking really fatigued no matter how much I make her eat or drink. She threw up when we first got here and has been wheezing pretty much the entire time too" she stopped and spun around to face Salix. "You've noticed that too, right?"

"Mmmhm, does your chest feel tight at all?" they asked Amelia.

"A little" she confessed, cheeks feeling warm from all the attention on her. "But it's not bad".

"Does it feel like you can take in a full breath?"

"Yeah, it just feels like I'm out of breath, like I've been running".

Salix looked thoughtful.

"And the nosebleeds-" Lucia continued.

"I get nosebleeds all the time, they're not that big a deal" Amelia insisted. She'd been getting them for a while before she'd passed out in front of Lucia- she'd never really figured out the cause but they were more of an inconvenience than anything else.

"Okay fine. But you've been getting headaches way more often lately haven't you?"

"Ever since I met you".

Salix snorted and tried to cover it up with a cough.

"Take this seriously!!!" Lucia huffed.

"Whatever. I guess so? Does it matter?"

"Yes! We need to figure out what's wrong with you!!"

There was a lot wrong with her, but she didn't want to snark back a second time. She didn't want to push against her boundaries with Lucia any more than she already had.

"It's probably just a cold or something," she said instead, shrugging.

"Amelia. You fainted in front of me. This is not a fucking cold".

"I had a bad sleep the night before".

Lucia sighed. "You're no help".

Salix crossed one leg over the other and leaned forward to barge into the conversation before it escalated, "Can we check out your apartment?"

"What? Why-"

"It might help give us some clues" They rest a hand on one of her rigid shoulders and squeezed, "you said you were having some troubles with your heating, right? Plus, we should probably get you some clothes so you can stop stealing Lucia's stuff".

"Borrowing" Amelia corrected. "Can I think about it?"

"Sure".

And that was the end of the conversation. Still, it hung in the air as they went back to watching TV- Amelia's mind was whirring, thinking over what had been said, thinking over the decision she'd been given.

She hated the idea of them going through her stuff. But she did feel bad having to borrow clothes while staying in Lucia and Salix's apartment.

Amelia stewed in thought as their show ended and dinner was made. She internally debated with herself as she forced down as much food as she could, fighting against nausea as she did.

When she found herself back in Lucia's room, staring up at the ceiling, she decided that...maybe she'd let herself be vulnerable. She'd done it so much already, what was one more time?

It was scary opening herself up again, even if it was only Salix. She felt ashamed for how she'd been living- a life she'd had to build from the ground up. It wasn't perfect but it had been all she'd known. And now she had to let other people in.

She knew it was for the best, but there were still some doubts in her mind. There probably always would be.

I'll sleep on it she thought, because making a decision right now was far too scary and she was tired after the day she'd had.

***

The next day didn't bring any sort of revelation. She was still on the fence about giving up her apartment key to Salix, the one little bit of secrecy she had left was about to be overturned, exposed.

She hadn't slept well and it made her head feel foggy, her limbs felt heavy, her chest felt numb. She forced herself up, to start moving around, to seek out the presence of someone else. She wasn't sure what had gotten into her, but after yesterday she didn't really want to be alone.

Spending years and years alone with nothing but your thoughts did that to a person, though. It made Amelia forget what spending time with people she actually liked felt like.

She rubbed the last bit of sleep from her eyes as she stepped into the living room. Salix smiled at her- they looked tired, like they hadn't slept well either.

"Mornin'" she mumbled as they padded forward to envelop her in a hug. She allowed it, wrapping her arms around them and burying her face in their hoodie, enjoying the way her arms started tingling with newfound warmth.

"Good to see you up and about" they murmured into the top of her head. "Especially after yesterday".

Amelia huffed, "Yeah.....I just- I don't really want to be thinking about that right now".

"I get it. You want a distraction?"

"I mean...don't you have work today?"

"I have Saturdays off".

"Oh....." she hadn't realised it was the weekend now. How long had she been here again?

"How are you feeling?"

"That's a dumb question".

"Okay, are you feeling better than yesterday?"

"I guess so".

"Good" They guided them both towards the sofa and sat them down, still pressed against one another like they knew Amelia didn't want to let go. "Want some breakfast?"

"Not right now".

Salix hummed, seemingly satisfied to sit for a little longer before pestering her about food.

Amelia could hear the rustling of Salix's hoodie as they got comfortable. She could hear the shower, muffled by the closed bathroom door, signifying that Lucia was still in the apartment and would probably be out soon. It'd be good to get this over with before she got out- Amelia didn't want her to think that this was an excuse to touch her, she couldn't deal with that.

She closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the moment, the pressure in her chest lessening ever so slightly.

"Y'know," Salix said into the silence that had drawn out between them, "since I have some time off...it'd be the perfect opportunity to grab some stuff from your apartment".

Amelia groaned, "I said I'd think about it, Sal".

"You said that yesterday. It's a whole other day now, it can't take that long to decide whether you wanna give me your key or not".

Amelia groaned again because she didn't know how to reply to that.

"I don't know why you're so opposed to me going there" Salix continued, idly playing with Amelia's hair between their fingers, "nothing could ever make me think differently about you, isn't that obvious by now?"

"It's not that".

"Then what is it?"

Amelia shrugged and Salix's fingers stopped scratching at her scalp. She almost opened her mouth to ask them to continue but managed to stop herself before she could.

"I don't know" she whispered instead. "I guess I'm just.... embarrassed".

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm not going to judge you. I know the context of why you're here, I don't expect it to be perfect".

There was half a second to spring out of Salix's arms once she heard the telltale clicking of a lock being twisted. Lucia appeared, half-dry hair sticking up, wearing a baggy shirt and some sweats. She grinned when she saw Amelia, she smelt like the shower gel Amelia had been using while showering here. It made her face feel warm, she tried to smile back but she was pretty sure it fell flat.

"What are you guys up to?"

"We were just talking about me driving up to Amelia's apartment," Salix said traitorously, forcing Amelia to make her decision now. The bastard.

"Oh yeah? You going today?"

Salix looked at Amelia and raised their brows in question.

Amelia glared at them, "fine" she relented.

Salix glanced up at Lucia, an easy smile on their face, "I guess I am!"

Notes:

changing things up next chapter hehe :3

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 14

You never saw her again. It was like you'd almost expected it- she'd been getting more and more distant lately and you had no idea what to do. Asking questions seemed to make her retreat further, pretend like nothing was wrong, force a smile. You never wanted to overstep the boundary between you and her and in the end, that was what left the empty hole in your chest when you realised she was gone.

She didn't come to school the next day, or the one after that. You caught up with her siblings and they had no idea either. In fact, they'd been looking for you to ask the exact same question.

You started to fear for the worst because that's all you could do. She was dead, there was no other reason why she would vanish without saying a word to you otherwise.

Her absence hurt you more than any pain you'd ever felt in your life, it was like someone had ripped out a part of you and stomped on it. You tried to power through it, to be strong for the few people left that had actually cared about her, but it was hard.

You were never really the same after that.

***

Salix had thought moving to Bonesborough would be a fresh start. They'd gotten a good job in the neighbouring city, they'd found a nice apartment to share with their closest friend, it was quiet and cosy and far, far away from where they'd grown up. How it should be.

Of course, things started happening almost immediately, because how could they not when they were friends with Lucia Noceda?

It had started with Lucia's weird aunt. Someone who looked at them with a chaotic gleam in her eye, her red-painted lips pulled into a smirk as she greeted Lucia at the old rundown mall in the centre of town. She worked at Hot Topic, which was kinda funny, and had offered Lucia a job there.

The mall looked like it was one strong gust of wind from collapsing in on itself, but it was charming in its own way for sure. Lucia seemed to like it, and that's all that mattered, they supposed.

Two days into her new job, Lucia had come back home and gushed about the pretty girl who worked at Claire's and glared at her from across the mall whenever she passed by.

Salix hadn't in a million years expected that girl to be Amelia fucking Blight.

Suddenly nothing made sense. They had so many questions, none that could be answered when she looked into those tired hazel eyes for the first time in far too long.

She'd run off before they could even open their mouth the first time, in the storm. Salix wasn't sure how to feel about that. The ride back from the pub had been tense- Lucia could tell something was off and Salix didn't want to talk about it. They weren't one to dwell on the past- not when they'd already tried so hard to move past it.

But how could they continue moving on knowing that Amelia was alive? Amelia was alive and hadn't told them.

They knew something must've happened, there's no way in their mind that she wouldn't have at least sent her a letter if it hadn't. Something had stopped her and that knowledge in itself had caused them many sleepless nights.

There was the simple solution of just...asking her. They knew where she worked from Lucia's rants about her. The drive to the mall would take less than ten minutes, they could get their answer as easily as that.

Something stopped them, though. Amelia hadn't wanted to talk to them at the pub so why would she want to talk to them now? She'd looked so surprised and scared when they'd looked into her eyes, like she'd done something wrong and wanted to hide from it. It was something Salix had seen before, it was heartbreaking to see it again. They wanted her back more than anything, but they knew it wouldn't be as simple as just...walking up to her. Not anymore.

Lucia talked to her. Lucia was the bridge between them, but telling their friend what had happened was painful. They'd alluded to it in the past, during nights in their uni dorm where they'd drink and talk about everything and nothing, maybe cry a bit and then order an absurd amount of takeout. But Salix had never gone into details, they didn't like talking about it.

Life continued on as if nothing had happened. As if Salix wasn't just...empty. As if they weren't frozen with indecision about how to move on from this. What to do.

Confronting Amelia at her work seemed cruel. They didn't want to corner her, they knew from experience how defensive she could get when being pushed on a touchy subject. She lashed out, she panicked, she ran. Salix wanted to at least have an amicable conversation with her if that were possible.

So they waited to see what would happen next, the constant thought of Amelia being so close yet so far away plagued them in a way they hadn't experienced for a very long time.

Lucia could tell something was up, she alluded to it in the way she'd tell Salix they could tell her anything, be the shoulder to lean on if they ever needed it. But Lucia never pried when Salix would get like this- she had enough context to know that if Salix wanted to come to her they would. They loved that about Lucia, among many other things. Just how caring she was, how she took extra care not to step on anybody's toes. Knowing that Lucia was also there for Amelia was reassuring.

Life moved on and Amelia was slowly pushed to the back of their mind as they focused more on working, not giving themself a lot of time to think about the tightness in their chest or the thoughts threatening to spill from their overheated brain. They were kept busy with work, another easy way to forget about the impending problems, a crutch they'd been using ever since Amelia first vanished.

That's why it hit them the hardest when they stepped into the apartment after a long day of work to Lucia tossing several blankets over the sofa, fluffing up some pillows to prop up on one side.

"What are you doing?" they asked, brows furrowed.

Lucia turned to look at them over her shoulder, her face twisted in guilt as her hands stilled. She looked nervous, which meant that she had probably just done something she knew Salix wouldn't approve of.

"Ummmm" she stalled, "how would you feel if Amelia was in this apartment right now?"

Salix blinked once. Twice.

"What???"

Lucia scratched under her beanie, a crooked half-smile on her face. "Well you see...."

She then proceeded to explain what had happened at the mall and Salix's heart dropped.

Amelia had fucking passed out.

They knew she had been prone to working herself to exhaustion as a kid. She hadn't been very good at taking care of herself, mostly focusing on making sure her siblings were okay before she even thought of how she was. But this felt different because she was alone here, from what they could tell. She was alone and yet...she still wasn't looking after herself.

Salix wasn't mad but they wished they'd gotten more of a warning, at least so that they could process what the fuck was even happening.

Having another person in the apartment they hadn't interacted with felt strange, but they powered through it, hoping to catch Amelia outside of Lucia's room organically rather than barging in there with questions and potentially scaring her off. They spent time in their room, listening to the faint sound of voices, the light footsteps coming in and out of Lucia's room. They gave them both space because they were still trying to figure out how they wanted to go about this.

The opportunity arose not long after. They'd crept out of their room to grab a snack before finishing off some work and had stopped part-way through the living room when they noticed a flash of faded green hair.

It was the first time they'd seen Amelia face to face in years, standing on the fire escape passing a blunt between them as they spoke like nothing had come between them. Amelia spoke with the cadence of someone who had given up a long time ago, the way she gazed down at the street below, brows furrowed, dark circles under her eyes, it hurt Salix to see. That still, after all this time, she wasn't doing good. She'd never stopped doing badly.

She had never looked so...small before. There was something about her presence that seemed off. The way she held herself like she'd already given up. Like if she wasn't here, she would've just let whatever was making her sick progress, like she didn't even care at all. The green hair was new too, it suited her.

Salix went to bed that night with even more to think about.

The next day they got their answers. Answers that did not help them feel any better about the situation.

They knew Odalia had been a shitty parent from the few interactions they'd had with her. They knew that she had despised Salix's dads, they knew that she hadn't been happy about their friendship with Amelia. Not that Amelia gave a shit about what her mother thought of their friendship, but Salix had stopped being allowed to come to the manor almost as soon as it'd started.

Odalia had thought it was okay to hit her child. Salix had never thought Amelia's mother could be capable of doing such a thing. The thought left icy chills running up and down their spine, an anger that brewed in their gut, making them clench their hands into tight fists. If they ever saw that woman again...they wouldn't be responsible for what happened.

If she'd been okay with hurting Amelia then there was no saying if her siblings had had to endure the same treatment. Amelia had told them she'd been protecting them but with her gone, there was nothing anyone could do unless they spoke up.

And they hadn't. At least from what Salix knew.

Maybe they should text them soon....

Salix felt bad for not noticing the signs. They'd seen Amelia act weird and distant before but she'd always bounced back after a week or so. If they'd tried to bring it up it would always be met with indifference, or hostility depending on the day. Navigating those types of subjects had always made them feel like they had to walk on eggshells around Amelia, unsure of how she would react.

If they'd known why they would've done something- but that was probably why Amelia had never said anything. It was her dumb thinking, her justification that if it was only her being the one that got hurt, then it didn't matter. As long as nothing happened to her siblings or Salix and their family then she'd endure everything Odalia gave to her.

It made them feel sick just thinking about it. Thinking about the days they'd hang out with Amelia, wondering if even back then, had she been hiding a wound under her sleeve. Had they not noticed the extra application of makeup to hide a bruise? Had they really been so oblivious to it all??

Amelia had fallen down so far and she was struggling to get up on her own. She had been for a while now and Salix regretted watching her try and stand back up over and over only for her to keep falling, falling, falling.

They'd been powerless. Odalia was not someone to be messed with, when she threatened you she fucking meant it with every fibre of her being. Salix would never admit it out loud, but they had been terrified of her as a kid, they could only imagine how it had been for Amelia.

But things were getting better. Or at least, they could now that they'd talked and everything was laid out in front of them.

It was clear that Amelia had been alone for a long time. Salix had thought that they'd be alone too for a while, but then they'd met Lucia and suddenly everything had seemed much less gloomy. Maybe Lucia could give that to Amelia too??

They sat back on the sofa, one arm slung over the back as they waited for Amelia to emerge from Lucia's room with her apartment keys. Lucia was in the kitchen making drinks for everyone, settling into their usual weekend morning routine when neither of them had to work. It was nice to include Amelia in it too, it felt normal, like there had been something missing before and they'd finally found it.

Amelia rounded the hallway with her jacket in her hands. It was the same jacket she'd worn all the time as a teen. It was worn, the fabric creased and picked off in places, but it was clear that it had been, and still was loved. Amelia sat back down at their side and placed it on her lap to rummage through the pockets, finding her keys and holding them in her hand as if second-guessing herself.

Salix reminded her of their presence by shifting closer, bringing their hand into her line of sight. They held out their hand, a silent question. Amelia stared down at their hand and then pressed the keys into them, her mouth pulled into a taut line.

"Thank you," they said quietly, smiling down at her as she sighed anxiously and leaned against the back of the sofa.

"Just in and out," she told the ceiling as she tilted her head back.

"Sure" they weren't going to argue with her, "want me to get anything specific?"

Amelia paused thoughtfully and then shrugged, "I don't really care".

Lucia walked in and handed Amelia a coffee and a plate of food, insisting she not drink the coffee on an empty stomach. Salix bit back a fond smile as Amelia rolled her eyes but relented, digging into the plate as Lucia disappeared to grab the last of the drinks.

They sat together and ate breakfast, and Salix watched as the tension in Amelia's shoulders slowly eased into something more comfortable. Still alert, sure, but the way Lucia was talking to her so openly, so brightly, it was hard to stay tense. Lucia had that way with people, putting them at ease. She had done it to Salix, and now they got to watch as she did it to Amelia too.

Leaving them alone wouldn't be a bad thing, especially if it meant Lucia got to spend time with Amelia a bit more. Amelia still seemed unsure around her, though not entirely uncomfortable. It was interesting to watch, to see how she acted around someone who she didn't entirely hate but also wasn't entirely sure about either. It was kinda funny in a way.

Once the plates had been cleared, Salix chugged the dregs of their coffee and stood up to grab their boots. Amelia's eyes darted over to them as they caught the movement and they widened ever so slightly- an understanding that it was almost time for them to go. Her anxious posture came back at once, Salix could feel it as soon as they sat back down to undo their laces and they tried to lighten the mood.

"What are you guys gonna do today?" they asked, slipping a foot into their boot.

Lucia hummed, "I'm not sure! Eda doesn't want me at the store today so I'm free to do whatever! What do you think, Amelia?"

Amelia jumped a little as Lucia said her name and Salix bowed their head, trying to hide their smile.

"Oh um....I don't know".

"That's okay, we have time to brainstorm! What sorta stuff do you like to do?"

That guarded expression was back, the one Salix had seen so often when they were younger.

"Maybe you could show her your draft?" Salix cut in before Amelia could open her mouth to speak.

Lucia perked up and started babbling to Amelia about what she'd been working on during her free time. Salix could see Amelia trying to keep up with the word vomit coming from Lucia's mouth, but she looked curious too, maybe even a little interested. 

Being in Lucia's company would be enough to distract her from the anxiety, at least that's what Salix hoped. They hated seeing Amelia like this, but this was something they had to do. There was something they had to check.

They slipped on their boots, made sure they had everything they needed and asked Amelia for the address and apartment number. They watched her blink hard and stutter off the address, wringing her hands and not making eye contact, glaring down at the carpet with an uncertain frown.

Salix put their hand on her shoulder and squeezed it, hoping to give their friend a little boost of reassurance before they left. Amelia's lips quirked up into a tiny smile. She looked so, so tired. They hoped that this trip would ease some of that tiredness.

It was drizzling outside but it was only a short walk to their car. The grey streets were dull and empty, their boots splashing in the little puddles of dirty water on the side of the road as they unlocked their car and slid inside. Salix drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly through their nose. They double-checked the address- in some neighbourhood, near the other side of town they weren't very familiar with, and then started the car.

They were nervous but they couldn't articulate why. Their hands clenched the steering wheel with a white-knuckled grip, jaw tight, eyes hyper-focused on the road ahead, mind going a mile a minute.

Salix pulled up to a sad grey building with chipped bricks and scratched-off paint. It was raining a little heavier now so they jogged to the door as soon as they left the car in the hopes of not getting too damp, pushing it open with ease and stepping inside.

Amelia had told them they didn't need anything to get inside, just the key to get into her apartment. The foyer was empty and smelled damp, their boots squelched against the carpet as they looked around, hoping for an elevator but finding nothing but the entryway to the stairwell. They sighed, ran a hand through their hair, and continued on.

It was like any heat trapped in the foyer instantly disappeared as soon as they entered the stairway. They shivered as they ascended the stairs two at a time, the sound of the footsteps against the concrete echoed throughout the building, pounding in their ears. They counted floors as they went up until finally, they found the door they were looking for- the way through to the apartments.

Being up here was dreary, to say the least. The damp smell never left, the peeling wallpaper and the weird stains on the carpet grew. Still, Salix didn't see anyone, and maybe that was for the best.

When they got to the door Amelia had told them was her apartment, they hesitated. Fishing the key out of their pocket they slot it into the lock but didn't move to turn it, suddenly uncertain. They weren't sure why they were stopping after all this effort already put in. Maybe it's what Amelia had said earlier. Maybe this was a step too far, breaching her privacy.

But Amelia had agreed to give them her keys. Amelia trusted them, they could see it in the way she had relaxed in their arms when they'd hugged her. The way she seemed more like her old self when they were nearby.

There was nothing to worry about. So much had happened in such a short amount of time Salix's brain was barely catching up. They needed to take a long nap when this was all over, maybe have a self-care day with Amelia or something.

Twisting the key, they heard the sound of the door unlocking and tried to open it. The door jammed like it didn't fit the frame properly, like the hinges were rusted over. They used a bit more force, pushing their weight onto the wood, trying not to let their growing frustration get out of control. Eventually, the door gave way and swung open, but not without a solid shove from Salix.

Their shoulder ached as a gust of cold air hit them at once, making them shut their eyes and grit their teeth. The damp smell grew tenfold and they swore softly to themself as they finally entered Amelia's apartment.

It was more than cold. It was freezing. They could see their breath billowing out in front of them as they shut the door.

"Shitttt" they hissed, wrapping their jacket tighter around themself to try and conserve heat.

They stepped forward, their boot hitting an empty can that bounced across the wooden floor. They stared at it, and then at several others also littering the floor by one of the windows. There was ash, a few cigarette filters by the windowsill, an empty mug of...something. Maybe coffee? They moved around what they assumed was the living room, past the moth-bitten sofa in the middle and to the nearest radiator. The wall was dark with mould around the radiator and windows, they covered their mouth with the sleeve of their jacket and hoped that was enough.

The radiator was off, but they still wanted to check it out. There was no fucking way Amelia had been living like this, in an apartment that didn't even have any heat in it. No wonder she'd gotten sick.

They moved to the kitchen, mostly out of curiosity more than anything else. It didn't have much, a few mugs, some cutlery that had been tossed into the sink but not cleaned. A lone cigarette was on the counter, untouched. They winced as they opened the fridge, the sour smell of mouldy food hit their nose and almost made them gag. Shit...they hadn't thought about perishables.

Scouring the kitchen for a garbage bag to throw away the food, they noticed with concern the severe lack of...anything that would normally be in a kitchen. Once this was all over, they were going to have a word with Amelia.

They found a few shopping bags tucked away in the back of a drawer and figured that'd be good enough. Scooping up the food, careful not to touch any of the bad bits, they emptied out Amelia's fridge and took the bag with them to clean up a little more of the trash in the living room.

This wasn't why they were here but they couldn't just leave it looking like this. There was something about it that made Salix worried. To think that she'd been living like this for so long now, and there had been no one to help her. No one to fix what was so clearly wrong.

It made them want to cry. Everything about Amelia and what she had gone through made them want to cry, to never let her out of their sight again, to hold her forever and ever. But they had to be strong, at least for now. They were doing this for Amelia.

Their last stop was the bedroom to start what they had set out to do in the first place. They opened the door slowly, it creaked loudly on its hinges as they poked their head inside.

"FUCKKK".

Well, that solved it. No need to do any more sleuthing! No fucking wonder Amelia had fainted, the sheer amount of mould in that girl's room was astounding, in the worst possible way.

The window was shut, which was probably the first sign of trouble. The glass was covered in condensation, the wall around it moist and perfect for mould to start growing around it and the walls nearby. Dark stains against the off-white walls, slowly growing further and further out into the room, stretching out to the ceiling where.....

It met with another dark stain, directly over Amelia's unmade bed.

The damp smell was almost overpowering and Salix realised they probably shouldn't stay here any longer than they needed to unless they wanted to end up sick as well.

They'd brought a backpack with them to grab whatever Amelia wanted them to and they tried to cover their mouth and nose the best they could as they fully entered the room and started to pick at the clothes on the floor, checking them for mould, seeing if they were clean enough to take.

Stuffing as many clothes as they could into the bag, they started searching around Amelia's drawers, cleaning up the last of the trash and finding an old beat-up laptop beside her bed attached to a busted drawing tablet. They stared at it, unable to stop the smile that came with the knowledge that no matter what, Amelia was still doing something she used to love doing as a kid. Something her mother had tried to bully out of her but had never succeeded in doing so.

They took the tablet and laptop and slot it into the bag the best they could before standing up and heaving the bag over their shoulder.

It was best they left, but they made a note to come back soon to clean the place up a bit, and to call someone about....everything else.

Salix wasn't surprised to find themself warming up once they were back outside again, the last of their shivers dying off as they exited the apartment building and made it back through the rain to their car.

The weight in their chest sat heavily at the implications of what they'd seen. They still had a lot to talk to Amelia about, that much was clear. But they also felt hope. That they were here to fix this, to make Amelia's life less miserable than it had been. To make sure Amelia was never alone again. And in turn, make their own life feel a little more worth living.

It had felt like a part of them had gone with Amelia when she'd first left. Like they couldn't go on without their best friend, the person they'd made all their future plans with. It had taken them so long to get over it, and in reality, they never really had truly gotten over it.

Seeing Amelia here in Bonesborough, not exactly happy or okay, but alive. It was like that missing part had been restored and Salix felt whole again.

They hadn't realised how much they'd missed Amelia because they'd spent so long repressing that part of themself. But now they were able to just let everything out and it felt right.

With the backpack full of clothes in the seat next to them, Salix started their car and turned back onto the road, ready to drive back home. They'd probably need to give the clothes a wash before they were okay to wear, but that wouldn't take any longer than a few hours to sort out and then Amelia could be back to feeling comfortable in her own clothes for once.

Not that they hadn't noticed her lack of complaining while wearing Lucia's clothes, but that was something they would have to think more critically about another day. Right now they were mostly worried about Amelia's health and the state of her apartment, but both of those things could be fixed. It'd take time, but they had all the time in the world now that Amelia was back in their life.

It finally felt like everything was slotting into place. It wasn't perfect, but their life had never been perfect. They didn't want their life to be perfect. This was all they had ever needed.

When they got back home, they burst through the door, startling Amelia who was leaning forward on the couch to gaze at Lucia's computer screen. Her wide hazel eyes stared at Salix like she'd been caught doing something she wasn't supposed to. It warmed their heart.

They carefully set the bag down on the floor and made their way over to Amelia, who watched their every movement. Standing over her, the way she craned her neck to look at them. They grabbed her, sliding their arms around her torso and pulling her upwards into an awkward hug. Amelia had a noise of alarm at the contact and huffed as Salix squeezed her.

"You fucking idiot," they said, their voice wavering, emotional, and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head.

Notes:

this chapter is sponsored by the mould infested house i wrote a good majority of to spoil and damage in <3

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 15

"........."

Once the door had been shut, the only bridge between Amelia and Lucia gone elsewhere, a silence had overtaken the apartment, one that Amelia had no idea how to fill. It wasn't that she couldn't talk to Lucia, because she had plenty of times before, in the apartment and back at the mall, but with everything that had been going on lately, she hadn't had a lot of energy to just....spend time with Lucia. Alone.

Her mind was still stuck on the fact that Salix was currently driving over to her apartment to pick through her stuff. She'd consented to it, but it still felt far too exposing and there was a part of her mind that was starting to doubt her decision to let them go. But it wasn't like she could just ask them to come back now, she supposed she just had to suck it up.

Easier said than done when she'd spent so long dwelling in a pool of her own anxiety. She clenched her fists to relieve some of the tension, her fingernails digging crescents into the soft skin of her palm, hard enough for it to sting but not break the skin.

Lucia shifted on the sofa so that she was facing Amelia, mug of coffee perched precariously on the arm, held only by two fingers curled around the handle. She looked calm, happy even, her brown eyes glowing, a crooked smile pulling her lips upwards.

"I've been working on this concept for a really long time now" Lucia continued, putting Amelia out of her misery and continuing the conversation as if she were unaware of the other girl's internal anxiety, "ever since I started uni and had to leave my family behind for the first time ever. I was really homesick for a while, and not getting to see my mum every day really sucked, but writing is something I'm really passionate about and it helped a ton with gaining back my confidence in a completely new environment!"

Listening to her ramble on was definitely doing something to Amelia, though what that was was something she didn't want to dwell on right now. Instead, she allowed herself to lose herself in Lucia's voice. Her cadence, the emotion behind it, the little gestures and movements she did while she talked, Amelia couldn't help but be enraptured by it. 

It made her feel guilty for forcing Lucia to stop talking to her. The only reason she was here was because of her reluctant agreement to allow Lucia to watch over her while she was sick- part of her wondered if they could've fixed the rift between them if she hadn't passed out in the backroom. But something told her that Amelia back then probably wouldn't have allowed something like that to happen.

She wasn't sure what had changed. Maybe it was her talk with Salix. Maybe she was starting to get used to having other people around her. Whatever it was, she'd decided the second she'd let Salix take her keys and leave through the door that this wasn't something she wanted to fight anymore.

Which was a terrifying thought. Trying to unravel everything she'd ever known was going to take time, but now she felt she actually had that time, why not try it out?

"This is only the first draft, so it's still nowhere near finished" Lucia stopped pacing and spun around to face Amelia, her dark eyes were wide, catching the golden light of the morning sun and lighting them up almost amber, "but I'm putting a lot of myself into this story, it's really personal to me. I don't usually tell people about it because-" she huffed a laugh, "Well, you see how I am now. I get too excited and ramble, I must be boring you, I'm sorry-"

"No!" Amelia's mouth moved before her brain could comprehend what was happening, "No it's fine, you can keep going. If you um....want to". Listening to Lucia talk was easier than being stuck in her own head. It was nicer to hear the rumble of Lucia's voice in her ears than her own thoughts trying to drag her back down.

Plus, she'd always been a bit of a sucker for fantasy stories- she hadn't touched one since she'd been a little kid but the memories they held for her were as deep and personal as Lucia had been talking about for herself.

Not that she could admit that out loud because telling Lucia such a personal thing about her was still far too scary. But....she understood. She wanted to understand more. 

Uncertainty flashed across Lucia's features, "Are you sure? I mean, we can do something else if you don't wanna listen to me rant. I won't be offended".

Amelia raised her head to make eye contact with Lucia, trying to swallow down the uncomfortable feeling of looking into those amber eyes. "Keep going".

Lucia's resolve wavered, though she still seemed uncertain. Her lips twisted up into a shaky smirk that made Amelia look away, glaring at the carpet as Lucia spoke, "And to think you wanted nothing to do with me a couple weeks ago, huh. Oh how the tables have turned".

"Shut up" she growled, defensive, embarrassed, closing up. "This isn't because I like you".

"Then what is it?" Lucia asked lightly.

Amelia buried her head in her knees and groaned, unsure of how to answer. "It doesn't matter" her face felt too warm, "just keep going".

Lucia's voice had a hint of amusement as she continued, "Sure, where was I? Oh right! Salix was actually the first person I let read my draft that wasn't my family. Everyone else I talked to usually just brushed me off- I know I can be a bit intense sometimes".

"They weren't interested in what you had to say?" Amelia asked, raising her head ever so slightly.

"I mean, for the most part I was on decent terms with most of the people in my life. I just got far too excited too easily and started being...I don't know. Too weird for them, I guess?  This is just something I'm really passionate about and sometimes I forget that usually, people just aren't as interested as I am".

Amelia had been like that once too. Before any interest her mother hadn't approved of had been bullied out of her by the time she hit high school. She could barely remember most of the hobbies she'd taken up as a kid, the memories too foggy, filled with too many complicated emotions and pain she never wanted to dwell on for too long.

"But Salix was never like that" Lucia went on, starting to pace once again, "they humoured me, which was more than most of the people on our floor did when we'd try to hang out together. God, those first few weeks were so awkward!"

"So...you said you met Salix at uni?" It wasn't like she hadn't been curious about where her old friend had ended up when she'd initially left, especially after she'd turned 18 and knew that Salix would probably be moving on with their life without her. This question didn't come from jealousy, because she had wanted more than anything for Sal to find someone they could grow as close to as they had once been with Amelia, but she'd be lying if she said that it didn't sting at least a little.

She'd wanted Salix to move on, and they had in a way. But the memory of her, of their friendship as kids, had always stuck with them as much as it had also stuck with Amelia. They'd been such important parts of each other's lives until Amelia had started isolating herself and the guilt of leaving them all alone had never truly left her. She doubt it ever would.

Lucia was a good person and she was glad that Salix had found her when they did. It helped a little to know that they hadn't had to process all of their grief alone.

"Yup! We were assigned the same room and it sorta just went from there" Lucia grinned as if recalling fond memories, "I was sooo nervous the night before I had to move into our dorm. I'd gotten it in my head that my roommate was gonna hate me and no matter what my mum said to try convince me otherwise, nothing was working. I slept like, three hours tops that night, and ended up almost knocking Sal down the stairs when bringing my stuff into the dorm".

"Pfft" Amelia hid her face back in her knees as she felt herself struggling to keep her expression neutral.

Prompted by that reaction, Lucia went on, "Yeah, not the best first impression, right? That tends to happen a lot with me, but luckily no one got hurt! We ended up bonding pretty much instantly after that, though, which was a relief".

"They've always tried to find the best in people".

"True! They're the only one who could stand my ramblings, which meant a lot to me at the time. It's just...easy to talk to them, y'know?"

Amelia nodded, her chest felt tight.

Salix had been the only person she felt she could really, truly talk to, and yet even then she hadn't been able to share her deepest, most personal secrets with them. It had been fear that had held her back, it had been the desire to bury them as deep as she could in the hopes that if she refused to acknowledge them, then maybe it'd hurt less.

It hadn't worked, she'd known that it wouldn't. But bottling up her emotions had been a coping mechanism she'd learned from having to deal with how overbearing her mother had been throughout her childhood. She'd never been allowed to show emotion because she felt too much, it was always too much. Too much for her mother, too much for her classmates, her teachers, anyone she had tried to make friends with. Except Salix.

They'd been the one constant in her life, holding her together. Until they hadn't. Until they'd found Lucia and helped prop her up too, helped build up her confidence, helped her make a life for herself.

That could've been her if she hadn't been such a coward.

Her chest felt tight, like she couldn't breathe.

And then. "-ey. Hey".

Her eyes darted up to meet Lucia's for a split second before dropping back to the carpet. She couldn't remember how to breathe. Was she breathing?

"What are five things you can see?"

Amelia blinked hard, "W-what?" she forced out.

"Just humour me".

"Um...the carpet?"

"Good, that's one".

"Your," she gasped out a stuttered breath, "d-dumb socks".

"They're not dumb they're cool, but okay. Three more things".

"Uh. My hands, the coffee table, your um. Your beanie".

Lucia smiled and took the beanie off her head, ruffling her already messy hair in the process. She held it out to Amelia, who blinked stupidly at it.

"Four things you can touch?"

"What are you- doing?"

"Come on, just do it".

Amelia reached out for the beanie, holding it gently in her hands. She ran her fingers over the soft fabric. "Your stupid hat," she said, ignoring Lucia's indignant scoff, "my...shirt" She fisted a hand in the baggy borrowed shirt she was wearing, scratching her nails over the vinyl lettering on the front. "the sofa and....um. My hair?" it needed washing again soon, it felt stringy under her fingers.

"You're doing great," Lucia said, "three things you can hear?"

"Your voice" she swallowed, feeling her heartbeat calming down, breaths coming out a little easier, "the rain, it's starting to pick up".

"It is. I hope Sal doesn't get caught in it" Lucia commented.

"Yeah....and the radiators".

"You can hear them?"

Amelia nodded. It was a very faint but constant hum that told her they were currently on. It didn't bother her as most sounds did, but maybe that was because she wouldn't ever wish for the noise to stop if it meant being warm.

"That's cool! Two things you can smell?"

She brought the beanie up to her nose almost absent-mindedly. "Your beanie," she said, voice muffled by the fabric. "Smells like lemons".

Lucia's face turned a little red.

"And... the leftover hashbrowns from breakfast".

"O-okay! One thing you can taste?"

Amelia wet her lips thoughtfully. She leaned over and grabbed her rapidly cooling mug of coffee, taking a sip. It tasted bitter on her tongue, but not unpleasant, "Coffee".

Lucia came to sit down on the other side of the sofa, rubbing her hands up and down her thighs. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Fine" Amelia still felt a little out of it, but couldn't deny that she was feeling at least a little better. Suddenly her chest didn't feel so constricting.

It seemed to be the right answer because a look of relief flashed over Lucia's features, her usual easy smile returning as the tension in Amelia's posture eased ever so slightly.

"Good" She tapped her knees and then stood back up as if she didn't know what to do with herself. "Good. Do you want anything? Some water? A snack?"

"I'm good" Her throat felt dry, her head felt heavy, but it wasn't anything worse than she'd been dealing with already. She rubbed at her eyes to try and refocus her mind, trying to get back to the warm comfort she'd been sitting in with Lucia before her mind had decided to fuck her over.

Lucia wandered into the kitchen to get herself a drink and returned with an extra glass of water which she sheepishly placed next to Amelia anyways. It was that little bit of extra care that did something to her. It made her heart twist, it made her reach out to take a sip, if only to see the tiny smile Lucia had on her face at the action.

They talked for a little longer, the conversation flowing easily as Lucia lead it, getting just as animated as she had been earlier, though there was always something about her, they way she'd glance at Amelia every so often, that made her realise that Lucia might've been doubtful she was actually okay.

Amelia couldn't blame her considering how much of a mess she was, especially recently. She had a lot going on right now, a lot of things to think about, a lot of feelings she hadn't felt for a very long time. It was easy to let herself drift away on those old memories of her past, it was easy to succumb to them, to drown in them. It was easy to block out everything new happening in her life and replace it with what she knew best. The boring monotony of loneliness she'd been living in for a long, long time.

"Would you like to read my first draft?" Lucia asked.

"You'd let me?" Amelia refused to acknowledge the fact that she'd started a drift off a little again, instead feeling oddly touched by the question. It felt like she was being given access to something too precious for her to touch. It felt like as soon as she touched it, or read it, she'd destroy it somehow. Ruin it beyond comprehension. She was scared to ruin something that seemed so important to Lucia.

But Lucia looked hopeful. She didn't look worried about Amelia reading through her most precious work, letting her in on the more personal part of her life.

"Of course! You just sat and let me infodump about it for like an hour, and asked questions. The only other person who's done that is Sal, and they've already read through everything I've written!" she lifted up the lid of her laptop, perched precariously on the coffee table before them, and turned it on, "Plus, I'm always happy to get feedback!"

"I guess I wouldn't mind reading it," Amelia said, pretending to not be excited at the prospect of getting to read something Lucia had created. It was just curiosity, that's all.

Lucia handed over her laptop with the open word doc and loitered around the kitchen and living room, doing small chores as Amelia started to read. Her presence so close by was distracting- it was obvious Lucia was eager to hear what she thought but didn't want to disturb her. It was kind of....sweet in a way.

She wasn't sure how long it'd been but by the time the front door had opened, Lucia had finished her chores and come to sit near Amelia to read over her shoulder. At the sound of the door opening Amelia flinched, moving the laptop away as if she were hiding something private she didn't want whoever had entered to see. She made eye contact with Salix, trying to calm her beating heart.

Salix looked a little damp, a little tired, they dropped their bag by the door, strode up to Amelia and bundled her into a hug.

It was all she could do to wrap her arms around Salix's damp jacket and hope the rainwater didn't seep into her shirt. She tucked her head into the crook of Salix's neck, allowing herself to enjoy this brief touch.

"You fucking idiot".

There was a soft pressure at the top of her head and it took her a few extra seconds to realise that Salix had just....kissed her.

And at once her body felt far too warm. This was....this was far too much.

She let go and Salix allowed it, their arms dropping to their side. They reached back to grab their bag as Amelia ran her hands through her hair and backed away to the sofa, confused, embarrassed and a little flustered.

"So what's the hypothesis, Sal?" Lucia asked, already putting her laptop away and giving her friend her full attention.

Salix sighed through their nose as they set their bag on the arm of the sofa and slowly unzipped it. 

"Mould. A fucking lot of it" they said, bundling up the folded clothes from inside and piling them up. "Gonna need to run these through the wash before you can wear them, Amelia".

"T-that's fine, I don't mind" she scratched absently at her arms, face warm, "I know my apartment had a little bit of mould but surely it couldn't....it's not that bad, right?"

Salix stopped folding the clothes and gave her a look. "It was everywhere, there's no way you couldn't have noticed how bad it was. There's black mould right above your bed".

"Holy shit...." Lucia whistled. "Yeah, that'd do it".

"And how long has your heating been out?"

"Uhhh" Amelia tried to think back to the last few months in her tiny cold apartment but was drawing a blank. Everything had been a bit of a blur lately so trying to find any specific memory was becoming difficult. "I'm not sure...a few months maybe?"

"And you didn't do anything?"

"I tried!" she snapped, overwhelmed, "but no one would fucking do anything about it".

"Hmm...well, I'll see if I can do anything about that" Salix scratched their cheek thoughtfully, "it'll mean you'll have to stay here until the moulds cleared out and you have heating again".

"And how long will that take?"

"Not sure I can give you an estimation right now. Maybe another month or so? It depends on how quickly we can get someone to look at your heating but cleaning the mould shouldn't be too bad".

"Ughhhh" Amelia groaned into her hands.

"Hey, think about it this way! At least we know what's wrong now!" Lucia supplied.

"My life is a joke".

"Come on now, Amelia".

She felt stupid. Stupid for not noticing something was wrong. Stupid for not doing something sooner, for not being more aggressive with calling maintenance. Maybe if she had done something then she wouldn't be here, sick, overwhelmed, so, so tired.

It was hard not to feel like a burden to Lucia and Salix. It was hard to admit that she needed help. Having her independence she'd fought so hard for taken away from her by something that had been entirely her fault was difficult. She just wanted to lay down and wither away.

***

She was back in Lucia's room, laying on the bed wrapped up in her blankets when she heard a soft knock from outside. She'd retreated back to the room to give herself a little space to think and had accidentally ended up dozing off, but the noise coming from outside managed to wake her up a little bit, prompting her to make a noise of conformation that whoever had knocked could come in.

Salix poked their head in, ruffled black hair sticking up all over the place, a smile on their face, soft, warm, welcoming as it had always been. Amelia sighed as she heaved herself upwards into a sitting position and rubbed at her eyes.

"Your clothes are all washed" they murmured, walking further into the room and nudging the door closed behind them. The pile of clothes in their hands was set on Lucia's desk chair, ready to be sorted to somewhere a little more convenient when Amelia had the energy to do so. "I got whatever looked the most clean so I hope it's okay".

"Thanks, Sal".

"No worries, I wanna make sure you're as comfortable here as possible" The weight on the bed shifted as they sat down on the end, "I'm sorry you have to stay here a little longer but I don't want you getting even more sick then you already are".

"It's fine" it wasn't. Not truly. But it was something she'd never admit out loud, not even to her oldest friend, "I just...I feel so useless just laying here all day" she admitted.

"You need to rest, that's the most important thing you can do right now. Removing you from your apartment will help clear the mould from your system but trying to push yourself too hard is not going to help you in the long run".

"I know I just don't feel like I'm-"

"Amelia" their tone was serious, their green eyes hard, "you are welcome here. We want you here. We don't want you to be sick, we want to see you getting better and we'll do whatever we can get to you to that point, okay? You aren't a burden, we're doing this because we care about you, not out of any obligation".

"But Lucia has to sleep on the sofa for another month because of me..."

"And she'd happily do it for longer" Salix cut her off, "Lucia can fall sleep anywhere, she doesn't care as long as you're comfortable, I promise".

Even that couldn't stop the rising guilt she felt. This was all her fucking fault. How could they even stand to be near her?

"I just- I don't understand".

"You don't have to. Just let us take care of you. Let us do this for you".

Amelia groaned into her hands again, unsure how to answer, unsure if she could truly let go.

"Come on, this is a positive thing. You have me now, and Lucia. Isn't that better than how you were before?"

"I guess so".

"You have so many people who care about you. I'm not going to let you throw it all away".

"I know, Sal. You don't want me to leave you again". It hurt. Everything hurt. Like a knife to her chest, like she was battered and bruised, like her chest was constricting. "I don't want to leave you again" an admission.

Salix shuffled closer, not enough to touch but enough to make their presence known. The slight warmth of them nearby, the way the bed dipped ever so slightly, the faint smell of rain-soaked soil.

"You've been gone for far too long" they agreed, "now that I know you're safe, I'm never letting you go again".

Amelia huffed a laugh that sounded far too wet for her liking.

Salix continued, "But I need to talk to you about something else. I know it's probably not the best time but...I don't think there'll ever be a good time to bring it up.

"When are you going to tell your siblings you're alive?"

"Oh I-um. Well-" fuck. Shit. She hadn't considered that. God, they're gonna be so pissed. "Have you told them?" she asked, terrified of the answer.

"No, if I'd told them they'd already be here by now trying to knock down our door".

That didn't bring the relief she thought it would.

"Are you...going to tell them?"

"I want to let you do it," they said calmly, like this wasn't going to do irreparable damage to Amelia, "I think they'd take it better from you".

"I don't- I'm not-"

"I didn't say you had to do it now. Get better first, think about what you want to say. But you have to do it, it's not fair to make them mourn over someone who isn't even dead".

The knife twisted deeper into her heart and she made a noise that sounded dangerously like a sob.

"What if I can't do it" she whispered.

"Then I will. You can't just leave them in the dark like this, Amelia".

"I know. I-I'll think of something. I will, I just need to process everything first. This is all so much I can't deal with one more thing" Her voice was bordering on hysterical at this point, too many painful emotions hitting her at once. She felt like she was drowning, her lungs filling up with water.

"I understand. Relax, take a deep breath. I'll help as much as you'll let me, okay? You don't have to do this alone" they shuffled forward, "can I hug you?"

Amelia didn't trust herself to speak anymore, nodding shakily and then diving into Salix's open arms like her life depended on it.

She let herself be held, gripping Salix's hoodie like it was the only thing stopping her from collapsing. The only thing holding her together. She dug her nails into the fabric, squeezing her hands into fists so tight they made her knuckles ache. Salix just held her, rocking back and forth ever so slightly, their sturdy presence grounding her mind from straying any further, an anchor.

Their words sank into her, solidifying the fact that they were here to stay. And that brought relief, it brought comfort. It also brought fear, of her future, of her siblings, of her....of her parents finding out that she was alive. 

There was still so much ahead of her that she was scared of, but right now, as she curled up in Salix's arms and lay her head against their chest, she focused on the feeling of their arms around her, the rise and fall of their breaths, and eventually everything seemed to even out.

Life wasn't easy. Whatever she had to go through next wouldn't be easy and thinking so was a stupid lapse in her judgement. But she had people to lean on now. People she could trust. And suddenly it didn't seem as scary anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, she could get through this. Not unscathed, but alive and possibly even...happy. Wasn't that all she'd ever wanted? Safety? Stability? Happiness? Things that had been taken away from her at such a young age. She'd never thought she deserved it, that's what her mother had always told her. She had to earn the right to be happy.

But now she knew that wasn't the case. She wasn't sure she could say she was happy right now, but it was better than how she'd been a few months prior. And maybe if she kept this up she could actually have a life worth living. With Salix and Lucia and maybe even her siblings and Eda and Lilith.... Wasn't that what she wanted? Couldn't she make that a goal instead of worrying about everything?

It'd take work and sacrifice, and opening herself up far more than she was comfortable doing. But she could do it, she knew she could, the people around her gave her strength and if she wasn't going to use it she might as well give up right here right now. 

And Amelia Blight didn't want to give up.

Notes:

sorry guys i think im accidentally writing a slow burn LMAOOO💔

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 16

Even with everything settled the best it could be at this moment in time, Amelia still found it hard to fall into a proper routine. She was still riding out her sickness, still getting the usual bouts of fatigue and nausea that'd knock her out for most of the day, but she was getting up more, sitting in the living room with Salix and Lucia whenever she had the energy for it.

It was just that she had no idea how long she'd been in this apartment, all the days were bleeding into one and it was making her feel a little bit crazy. She wanted to do...something, but she couldn't because she was sick and apparently Lilith didn't want her back until she was completely 100% better.

Salix and Lucia had been trying to keep her busy, and she appreciated that, but it still felt like she had no control over what she was and wasn't allowed to do. Of course, she knew it was because they wanted her to get better as fast as possible, but what was one cigarette gonna do??? Come on??

Going from smoking every day to complete cold turkey was definitely not helping her one bit. Salix had done something with the last of the cigs she'd brought with her and she wasn't sure what. The blunt they'd smoked together on the fire escape a few days prior had been the last she'd rolled so that was out of the question too.

It felt like the most sober she'd been for a while...though she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. It didn't feel like a good thing, not right now. But it wasn't like she could just ask for her cigs back, not without pushback from Salix which is something she didn't want to have to deal with right now. 

And so, she supposed that she was stuck for the time being. Stuck with that itch in the back of her throat that never seemed to leave. With the phantom taste of tobacco on her tongue, the feeling of her heart racing as she took her first puff of the day, the-

Amelia closed her eyes and took in a deep breath through her nose.

She raised her head and made eye contact with herself in the mirror. She looked like shit, nothing new, but the dark circles under her eyes had receded ever so slightly from all the resting she'd been doing lately, so that was something. She splashed her face with water, smoothed down her hair, and stepped out of the bathroom.

"What took you so long, you doing okay?" Lucia asked, spread out on the sofa with her feet resting on Salix's thighs.

They were both watching her curiously, as if ready to spring into action if she looked even the slightest bit off. It made her chest feel tight.

"I'm fine" she dismissed, finding that it was at least partly the truth, and took her seat in the nest of blankets Lucia had made for her beside the sofa.

"Okay, if you say so" Salix leaned down to press a mug of tea into her hands. They hadn't let her stray very far from water and the occasional warm drink. "You wanna pick the movie tonight?"

Amelia, who had very little knowledge of movies, past and present, shook her head, feeling her face grow warm. "No it's okay, you choose".

She got comfortable to the sound of Salix and Lucia arguing over what to watch, the tight feeling in her chest expanding into a warmth that spread throughout her body. She took a sip of her tea, hoping the darkness of the room would hide the small smile on her face.

***

It was almost fascinating how Lucia and Salix were able to just....live around her. They were moving as if she wasn't even there, as if her presence wasn't affecting their lives in any way. Every day Lucia would wake up from her makeshift bed in the living room and poke her head into her room to check up on Amelia, and Amelia never saw any jealousy in her eyes. Nothing that would indicate that she wasn't happy with their sleeping arrangements. She couldn't understand why.

She was in the way. She was weighing them down, spending their money on food for an extra mouth, an extra person to be kept warm and safe within an apartment she did not pay for. It felt like she was 17 again, sitting in the living room of Lilith's apartment absolutely seething at being told she couldn't just go out and....and....

Amelia didn't have control of her life back then. When she'd run away she thought she'd get it back but she'd somehow managed to fall back into her old routine of letting adults boss her around. She'd been so angry back then, at the world and its cruel jokes.

It was almost as if history just kept on repeating itself. She knew deep down that that wasn't the case, Salix and Lucia were just trying to help, but she couldn't help but feel irritated all the same.

Part of her mind was still trying to convince her that she didn't need their help. She could deal with this on her own like she'd dealt with many other things- letting people help her usually meant she owed them favours later on down the line and she didn't want them piling up. She tried so desperately to find any nefarious intent behind Salix and Lucia's actions and was angry at herself when she found none.

She wished her brain didn't think this way. There must be something so catastrophically wrong with her if she was trying to come up with reasons why the people who had been feeding her, letting her stay in their home, were doing it because they wanted something from her.

That sounded obvious when said out loud. Of course there was something wrong with her or she wouldn't be here in the first place. There had been something wrong with her for as long as she could remember. She had never stopped being a complete failure in the eyes of everyone around her.

The door opened. Lucia poked her head in. Amelia glared up at the ceiling and hoped she had blinked back her tears fast enough for Lucia to not notice.

"Hey," Lucia's voice was soft, breaking through the quiet stillness of the room. Amelia knew it had been coming but it still startled her, the way it hit her ears pleasantly, "Just wanted to let you know Sal and I are about to go pick up some more stuff from your apartment and get a start on cleaning up the mould".

"Okay" her voice didn't sound right, it came out withered, tired, raspy.

They didn't need to be doing this.

"Do you want us to get anything specific that Sal missed the first time?"

She could've done it herself.

"No".

There was a pause as if Lucia wanted to say something else. Maybe ask if she was okay, the same question uttered over and over again until it made her ears ring. Amelia hated that question.

But there was nothing. A small noise of acknowledgement and then the door swung shut and Amelia was left alone once again, stuck in her thoughts.

She lay there, waiting, the sound of the front door opening and closing long gone, the day stretching out before her as she did nothing but lay in bed and feel sorry for herself.

She'd been doing better. She had. Getting to spend time with Lucia and Salix was something that had managed to perk her up, but it just made it even harder to get back up once she inevitably crashed and burned.

The negative thoughts always came, no matter how much better she thought she was getting. It pushed her back down into the dirt where she knew she belonged. She had long since come to terms with the fact that this was just how it was meant to be, even if she didn't necessarily like it.

She could push through this, she always did. Getting out of bed usually helped, maybe she could take a long shower and make herself a hot drink, anything but staying in bed and wallowing.

With the others out for the time being and Amelia having no gauge on when they'd be back, she had the apartment all to herself. Which felt...wrong.

"Shut up," she told herself as she dug around for the towel Lucia had let her borrow, slinging it over her shoulder and padding out of the room.

The bathroom was in sight but as she was crossing the living room to her destination she paused thoughtfully, another thought springing to mind. Her feet stilled on the carpet as she glanced warily towards the kitchen.

She swallowed, the itch in the back of her throat intensified.

Salix wasn't here. Lucia wasn't here.

There was a decent chance they weren't in the kitchen, somewhere Amelia could access easily. But...it didn't hurt to look.

She hated herself for the way she eagerly turned towards the kitchen, the way her heart picked up when her feet hit the cold tile. Her fingers ran up and down the towel as she started searching through the drawers for her lost pack of cigs, reaching up on her toes to get to the ones higher up with a sense of almost urgency.

This wasn't important. She needed to shower. That's what she kept trying to tell herself as she wandered back into the living room to look through any little alcove her cigs could be hiding in.

It was stupid. She was being insane. She needed to stop.

Were they in her room? Surely not. Salix wouldn't do that. They wouldn't put them somewhere Amelia could easily access.

Then....what if they were....?

She stood in front of Salix's closed bedroom door, feeling far too exposed for her own liking. She could feel the way her heart beat hard in her chest, in anticipation and guilt, her fingers twitched, brain so set on this one task that she'd almost forgotten why she'd even left her room in the first place.

Creaking open Salix's door felt like a crime. It made her tense her body as if Salix would spring out of nowhere and catch her in the act, her paranoia making her pause for any sounds of footsteps coming from outside even if she knew her old friend was currently far away at her apartment.

It was simple. She wasn't going to like, touch anything she wasn't supposed to. Salix didn't need to know.

The air in the room was stale, the faint smell of soil and whatever Salix had spritzed in their room to hide the smell before they'd left. It was warm and bright, the curtains pulled all the way for the maximum amount of weak sunlight to leak through to their plants. It made Amelia blink, her head throbbing at the sudden change in light, but it didn't deter her.

She started to look around, trying not to be too nosy, only here for one thing and one thing only.

A backpack off to the side, open with a laptop peeking out from within. Their desk, just as cluttered as it had been the last time she'd been here, though there seemed to have been an attempt to clean it. Open books, crumbs of dirt on old worn pages, passages of small text highlighted. Amelia passed them, not wanting to stay long because the guilt was eating her up. She stepped over to their bedside drawers and slowly opened them one by one.

There were various nicknacks inside, a spare phone charger, some loose change, some sticky notes, a bookmark, a cloth for their glasses. Not what she was looking for.

She was starting to get antsy. All this for nothing.

What was she even doing? What had she been thinking?

Check the bag.

She crouched over the backpack and opened the front pocket, sticking her hand inside to rummage around.

Her finger grazed over something cardboard and flimsy, a familiar sheen to it that made her immediately grab it and pull it out. 

Got it.

The box of cigarettes was slightly crumpled, caving in on itself in a way that meant it would probably not last much longer. She opened it up, counting the cigs inside and then slipping three out of the box, hoping that it'd be enough for no one to notice they were gone.

She slipped out of the room with cigarettes in hand, making a stop to grab her jacket and the spare lighter she knew she kept in the pockets before stepping out onto the fire escape.

The cold bit at her face, it smelt like it was going to rain soon if the grey clouds weren't enough of an indication. Her jacket didn't help much with the cold, even with the added layers of her own comfy clothing that she now wore instead of the shorts and baggy shirts Lucia had let her borrow.

She almost missed it though. Having something that wasn't hers given to her. Not out of malice or because they wanted something from her. Out of generosity.

Whatever Lucia was doing to her brain needed to stop. She huffed, her breath coming out in a billow past her lips in the cold air.

Amelia lit up a cigarette and took a deep pull, as much as her lungs would allow her. She held the smoke in her mouth until her lungs ached and her throat burned, and then she let out her breath, watching the smoke rise into the sky.

A sense of calmness washed over her, the usual raw feeling of smoke in her throat was almost comforting in a way she'd missed. She flicked ash over the railing and took another puff.

If only it'd been something stronger. If only she hadn't wasted her last blunt.

But this would do for now, she supposed. She lit up her second cig after she'd finished the first, wanting the bitter taste of tobacco to stay on her tongue for as long as possible. And then the third, because she couldn't exactly leave any evidence behind, could she? Not that she was justifying it to herself. She needed this. She was sure the others would understand.

The filters were tossed into the alley below, Amelia locked the door behind her, grabbed her towel and some extra clothes and finally took a much-needed shower.

She let herself indulge, hot water running down her face, over her aching shoulders until her skin turned pink and raw. She scrubbed every trace of ash from her body, dried herself meticulously, changed, and sprayed the clothes she'd smoked in with enough deodorant to hopefully hide any lingering smells.

It felt like she was in high school again, hiding any evidence of smoking from her parents and siblings.

That thought made her pause. She felt stupid. So, so stupid. The fact that she was doing this, she was sick she shouldn't be smoking. It could get worse.

It won't get worse, she told herself as she threw the dirty clothes into the wash.

***

It didn't necessarily get worse, but it had...definitely done something.

Her lungs felt like they were constricting, pushing against her ribcage every time she tried to breathe. She felt out of breath just standing around so she decided to go lay down in the hopes that it'd change things.

Lucia and Salix came back, gave her updates on how things were doing, brought back more of her stuff, stuff that'd cram the already precious few spaces in Lucia's room.

She felt like shit, her lungs hurt, but the itch in her throat was gone for the time being and that, at the very least, was something.

"So we managed to clean up your apartment a bit," Lucia said, sitting on the edge of her bed, Salix on the desk chair.

"And the mould?" Amelia asked, her chest and throat had the sensation like she was about to cough and she kept spluttering but it never came. She was trying to be subtle about it but it was kind of hard.

Salix raised a brow at her, "we're still working on it. I also talked to some people on your floor and we're trying to get in contact with maintenance since this seems to be a problem throughout the entire building. Faulty heating, not enough air getting in, it's caused a lot of mould inside the building".

Amelia nodded along, coughing into her hand and clearing her throat. "Okay, did you get on the line with anyone?"

"Not yet," Lucia said with a defeated hunch of her shoulders.

"But," Sal cut in, "if that route doesn't work, I know some people who can take a look for you! I mean, I'd prefer the actual people who own the building deal with it, but if they're not gonna look at all these complaints, I'm more than happy to take matters into my own hands" There was a blint in their eyes, of mischief, perhaps.

It wasn't exactly what Amelia wanted to hear, but it was a start. If things had gone how she'd wanted them to this would've been sorted out months ago, but she supposed fate would never be that kind to her.

As the others talked about what they wanted for dinner, Amelia felt herself drifting off, her brain going fuzzy, static in the corners of her eyes. She closed her eyes in an attempt to stop the pain from spreading across her body and suddenly, everything went black.

***

You're shaking, your hands can't stop shaking. You still aren't used to the tobacco rush, the lightheaded feeling it gives you. Not as intense as weed but still there, still familiar. You like it, in a sick sort of way. Maybe it's because this is something you yourself are choosing to do. The element of free choice, to do whatever you want now that you were away from your mother.

Best not to think about that. It still hurt.

The bus ride away from the manor had been long and you were sure you were now far, far away. Where exactly? You weren't too sure, but right now none of that mattered.

You step out of the bus station with your bag heavy on your back, the sleeve of your shirt plastered to your skin with dried blood, the wound still ached- you better get that looked at soon before it got infected, you decide. It was hidden from view by your jacket, no one had seen, no one would see. You didn't need any extra trouble right now.

You take another drag of your cig as you start walking, picking a random direction and sticking to it. It's growing dark, you know you'll need to stop and rest somewhere soon but you can't bring yourself to slow down. It doesn't feel like you're far enough away to feel safe, not yet.

Not that you're ever sure you'll feel truly safe. 

Have you ever?

Not in that manor.

Maybe it wasn't the tobacco that was making your hands shake. You weren't really sure of anything anymore. Your mind felt separated from your body, you felt numb, feeling nothing but the static in your limbs and the dull throb coming from your injured arm.

You walk into someone, you fall back.

The cigarette falls from your mouth onto the pavement below, boot crushing it as you try to regain your balance. You grit your teeth, hands clasped into angry little fists, tears welling up in your eyes. You're so frustrated. At yourself. At your mother. At the world.

"Oh, are you....lost?"

The person who bumped into you is a woman, tall and slender, long straight black hair that fell over her shoulders, pin straight, just as your mother used to make you wear your hair. Her eyes are blue, piercing you with her intense gaze, it makes you angry, the familiarity of it all.

You steady yourself and crane your neck to glare at the woman. You're pissed off and don't need this right now so you push past her and continue walking with your hood up and head down, jogging a little to clear more distance.

You're not sure how long you walk for, the grey streets all bleed into one, the monotony of this place made it feel like a maze. You had no idea where you were, disoriented, tired, hurt, you needed to sit down, figure out a plan, but you couldn't. That felt like admitting weakness.

You didn't feel safe.

So you kept walking.

Eventually it grew darker. So dark you could barely see the path in front of you, so dark you were the only one on the street, the occasional car passing you and making you jump, paranoid that it was your mother searching for you.

Which was dumb. Because you knew she didn't care.

She was probably glad you were gone.

One less burden, you supposed.

Maybe you should-

There was a building in front of you, a tall shadow barely contrasted with the night sky. A few lights were on casting an eerie blue glow in the darkness.

You almost trip on the curb as you walk towards it, a beacon in this town you'd found yourself lost in. Your feet feel heavy as you cross the car park, dragging along the concrete, fatigue finally catching up with you. You're desperate to find somewhere to stay, you need it so badly you can't even think about anything else. You feel like you're about to pass out any second.

How had you not realised it had gotten this bad?

Are you sure you've stopped bleeding?

You try the door, it's giant and made of glass. Inside the building is dark and empty save for a few flickering lights. You need to get inside.

Using your shoulder, you open the heavy door, surprised to find it unlocked. Warily, you sneak in, taking care to shut the door as quietly as you can behind you.

Keeping to the shadows, you scan the area. It looked like you were in some sort of rundown mall, the stale air, the smell of detergent in the air, floors still damp from whoever had cleaned them. Wet floor signs littered about without any care, and....a door that had been kept unlocked.

You could definitely work with this...

***

When Amelia came to she wasn't in bed. She was sitting on the couch with Lucia and Salix by her side, the TV playing some movie she didn't know. There was a plate of half-eaten food in her lap, a fork in her hand.

Her body jerked back to life as if she'd woken up from a deep sleep but she could feel that her eyes were open, maybe had been open this entire time.

Lucia leaned forward from her place next to Salix to look at her.

"You okay? You haven't really touched your food".

"Uh," Amelia blinked again, hard, so hard sunbursts of colour exploded behind her eyes. "Yeah? Sorry I think I- I must've zoned out or something".

"Do you wanna go lay down?" Salix asked, a hint of concern in their voice.

"No, no, I'm good" She hated the thought of being alone right now so instead, she began to eat. The food tasted dull on her tongue, like her senses hadn't fully woken up yet, but she chewed and swallowed anyways—an attempt to wake herself up a bit more.

The movie went on and Amelia's eyes felt heavy, but not like she was tired and about to fall asleep. There was an alertness to them as well, the faint taste of tobacco on her tongue.

She wasn't sure what could possibly be wrong with her this time, another bullet point for the list, but she was itching for....something.

So, she opened her mouth and spoke, "Do you guys think I could come with you to pick up cleaning supplies tomorrow?"

Lucia and Salix exchanged glances, a silent conversation going on between them. This was something they'd discussed briefly before, wanting to get a bit more of a headstart on the cleaning while they waited for a response from maintenance.

"I think I'm going crazy staying here all day" she added tiredly. Yes, that must've been it.

"Yeah, sure" Lucia smiled, "Could use some extra hands, right Sal?"

"Mmmhm" they hummed in agreement, but still seemed wary, "But you're not helping us clean".

"I feel so useless just laying here all day," Amelia said to no one in particular, her mind drifting off elsewhere.

"Hm, maybe you could do something here instead? Like cook?" Lucia suggested thoughtfully.

It had been a long time since Amelia had cooked a proper meal. But getting on her feet and actually doing things that used her hands might help her get out of this rut she was in.

"Sure, I can pick up some stuff tomorrow" she nodded, "As a thanks for letting me stay".

"You don't need to thank us for letting you stay, but I will never refuse free food".

Amelia huffed a laugh. Yeah. Maybe all she needed was a distraction. A distraction from her dumb thoughts that kept trying to drag her down. She just needed to get through this, get better, move back into her own apartment and then everything would be okay.

Notes:

dw we'll be seeing some changes in the setting soon enough. no more apartment!!!!!!

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 17

You're cold and tired and you're hurting but at least you have shelter.

The pain hasn't stopped and you doubt it will any time soon. You sit on a bench in the dark empty mall, dropping your bag between your feet as you carefully take your jacket off. Your arm stings with the movement, it feels sticky and too warm and you worry if you don't find a way to treat the wound soon it might get infected.

The sleeve of your shirt is stuck to your skin, dyed a deep crimson colour from the blood. You hesitate before pulling it up, having to use some force to get it to unstick to your skin. The fabric is half-dry and heavy in your hand- it's unlikely you'll be able to wear this shirt again.

But that's not important, at least not now.

You stand up with your sleeve still rolled up to your elbow. Taking your bag and jacket you walk further into the mall in search of bathrooms.

It doesn't take long to find one. It's predictably empty and smells like chemicals- someone had probably come in to clean it before the mall had closed for the night. You set your stuff down on the sink counter and look up into the wall of mirrors before you.

You're not sure who the girl who stares back at you is.

It's been hard to look at yourself these days. You don't feel real, your life doesn't feel real. Most days you avoid looking at yourself because you don't need to reminder of your sorry existence.

Your eyes move to the wound on your arm. It's hard to determine how bad it is due to the amount of blood on your skin, which is dry and clotting over the gash. But it hurts, and that surely means something. You grab some tissue and wet it, carefully cleaning up the blood on your arm.

You grit your teeth through the sensation of it, an unpleasant pull to the wound as you dab at your stained arm. The tissue comes back stained dark with blood and you toss it in the trash and get another one to continue with your task.

The wound is bigger than you thought it'd be. And deep. You stare at it in the mirror for longer than necessary, feeling your throat constrict with far too many emotions to sort through.

How....

How could your own mother do this to you?

You blink and something warm rolls down your cheek and you swear at yourself, angrily wiping at your eyes before ducking down to rummage through your bag.

You'd brought a small first aid kit with you, stored away in your bag for moments like these. It's not a lot, you're not sure you have everything you need but at least it's something. You take it out and open it up, your stomach dropping when you realise how empty it is.

You had meant to restock it, but you'd left in such a rush you hadn't had the time.

It wasn't anything you couldn't work with, though.

There was booze stashed in your bag, clear liquor that you'd stolen from your father to drink in your room. It was half-full but it was enough. You didn't need much and it was the best thing to clean your wound with right now.

You take a swig of the bottle once the cap is off. And then another because feeling the warm buzz of alcohol and the numbness that spread across your chest once you'd had enough was the only thing you wanted to feel at the moment.

You wet more tissue, this time with the booze and slowly started to dab at the wound with it. It hurt. A lot. But you persisted with a few more sips from the bottle.

The stinging sensation slowly dulled into a numb buzz, as did your mind. You carefully wrap up the wound with some bandages and try to find a fresh shirt to change into before putting your jacket back on and walking back out into the mall, bottle in hand.

You sip at it idly as you explore the mall, trying to find somewhere to rest, maybe a dark corner somewhere, tucked away from anyone who could find you in the morning. You didn't need people to know you were here, especially any adults who could potentially send you back to your mother.

It took a while and a lot of walking, a lot of trying doors to see if they would open, but you manage to find a little alcove at the back of the mall to wedge yourself into. It was mostly hidden by a wall and a few signs for stores nearby and you figure if you wake up early enough you could be on the move before anyone else got there.

Plus...you didn't really have a choice whether or not you wanted to stay here. You could feel your body shutting down, the tiredness of the day you'd had creeping up on you. You needed to rest or you'd collapse and so, you sat down, leaned against the wall and closed your eyes.

***

It felt weird to be outside again. Outside with her boots on, walking down the street, the wind in her hair. She felt exposed. She knew she looked like shit, even after a shower. She knew no one cared what she looked like, no one ever gave her more than a glance when walking past her but that didn't stop the little prick or paranoia in her chest.

She was hyper-focused on trying to control her breathing. They'd taken the elevator down to the first floor of Lucia and Salix's apartment building and it was only a short walk around to the private car park attached to it, but Amelia could feel her breath hitching, her heart racing as she struggled to keep up with Lucia and Salix.

The others didn't seem to notice her slowing down, keeping up a constant steady pace around the building, probably like they'd done a million times before with little regard for the girl lagging behind. It wasn't like Amelia was going to call out to them to slow down anyways, she was far too stubborn.

There was a little dip in the road as it sloped down into the car park and it was only then that Lucia stopped and turned around.

"You sure you're okay to come with us?" she asked, brows raised in concern.

"Yes!!" Amelia hissed back, defensive, like she had to prove that she was capable of doing this one simple thing.

She could. She could do it. She didn't need Lucia's pity. She didn't need anyone's pity.

Lucia was just worried about her, she knew that deep down, but she couldn't help but get defensive. She hated being babied more than anything else and it had been hard to accept Lucia and Salix's help in the first place. Now that she was able to stand on her own two feet (though still with some struggle, but that was beside the point), she was hoping to get at least a little of her independence back.

Even if that was helping out around the apartment during her extended stay, she felt obligated to pay them back at least a little bit for everything they'd done for her. It felt wrong otherwise, like she'd been using up all their resources with nothing to gain from it.

She pushed past Lucia to follow Salix to their car without another word, coughing a little into her hand as she stopped to catch her breath before sliding into the back.

Her chest started hurting a little ways into the journey but it wasn't anything she couldn't deal with. She was already here, may as well see this through to the end. It wasn't like she'd ever ask to turn around and go back just because of some minor uncomfortable feelings in her chest, she'd arguably been through worse and gotten out of that just fine.

The sensation of wanting to cough, to clear her throat, had come back and Amelia pressed her forehead against the cold window and closed her eyes, willing the sensation to go away, at least til she got back to the apartment.

Now was not the time to be getting sick. Not when she needed so badly to prove to Salix and Lucia that she was getting better.

Lucia and Salix were talking amongst themselves in the front but Amelia could barely make out the words, too busy watching the buildings pass by and trying to control her breathing.

Amelia was not one to go out often, mostly just to grab groceries when she was running low on food and walking to work- anything else was considered a waste of her time. Unless it was to go to the pub to drink her worries away, which was rare nowadays.

It had taken a long time for Amelia to be outside and not have the little twinge of worry that she'd run into her mother- somehow. She knew it was impossible since she was so far away, but it was still there and though the worry had grown smaller over the years it had never left her. Running into Salix had made it spike up initially, growing into paranoia that had taken her weeks to get over. As she watched the familiar buildings of the town zoom past her, she couldn't help but worry that one day her eyes would catch onto familiar icy blue and her life would fall apart again.

Her breathing picked up.

It always did when she thought about her mother, it made her skin prickle, tiny needles going up and down her arms. She clenched her hands into tight fists and tried to focus on the voices in front of her.

"-So what's the best stuff to kill mould?"

"Depends, I guess. You can get special sprays for it- that's what we should look for first. If not, then I think you can use vinegar or bleach".

"I'd prefer the least smelly option".

"True, but remember we have to keep within our budget".

Amelia let out a breath, closing her eyes and settling herself back against the seat.

It was okay. She was okay.

When the store came into view, Amelia felt her heart pick up in anticipation, eager to get out of the car and start moving again. It hadn't been a long journey, but it had felt like it.

They found a parking space a decent way from the store and Salix got out to grab bags from the boot. Lucia undid her seatbelt and turned to face Amelia, who was fiddling with the button on her own.

"Are you gonna be okay going in there without your headphones?" she asked.

That...threw Amelia off.

"Of course" she scoffed as if Lucia had just said the dumbest thing in the world.

She'd never been there without her headphones. They made her feel a sense of...security, she supposed, in such an open space with so many people. But it was fine, she didn't need them.

Lucia raised a brow but didn't push it. Good.

Amelia stepped out of the car. Her chest hurt. She went over to help Salix with the bags. Her chest twanged as she took a breath in, but she ignored it. That sort of thing just happened when you smoked, that was all.

They walked across the car park, Amelia burying her hands in the pockets of her jacket, picking at her nails as they approached the store. The doors slid open, bringing with it a wave of noise, the mumble of people going about, tinny music overhead. The lights blinded her, bright fluorescent yellow that made her eyes sting.

This was fine. She'd dealt with this hundreds of times before, what was one more?

The beginnings of a headache began festering behind her eyes, the general noise of the store was not helping it one bit.

With every step, Amelia could hear the way her boots hit the floor, echoing in her ears, around her brain. She closed her eyes, one less sensory input, and accidentally walked into Lucia.

Lucia spun around from where she'd been studying the list of things they needed to buy. Dark eyes lowered to observe Amelia. 

A hand went to her shoulder, it felt hot, too hot, like she was burning up, and Amelia had to shrug her off because right now....it was just far too much for her to have to deal with on top of everything else.

Not that there was anything wrong- she was fine. She was just....

It'd been a while since she'd been out, that was all.

She took in a determined breath through her nose and snatched the list from Lucia's hands. Her eyes scanned the items on the list, trying to make a mental inventory of stuff she needed to pick up while Lucia and Salix sorted out cleaning supplies.

"I'm gonna go pick up the groceries," she said, her voice sounding snappier than she'd intended it to be in her ears.

Lucia looked at her for a few moments, as if she were unsure to let her go.

"Want me to come with?" she suggested.

Amelia shook her head, shoving the list back into Lucia's hands and shuffling off down the aisle. She wasn't sure where her feet were leading her, she was aware of the vague direction of the food aisles but that was about it- her mind felt full but in a bad way that left the rest of her feeling raw and exposed. Like she could only focus on one limb at a time as she walked, the constant droning of the store around her was taking up a lot of her focus.

She was used to the lights, they were only a minor inconvenience at this point because there wasn't much she could do to prevent them from giving her a headache. That was fine. She'd always made her trips to the store quick and easy for this very reason- the less time she stayed in there the less painful her head would be later on.

But the sound....that was new. Her headphones had done a good job of muffling everything for her, and with the added bonus of music to drown out any voices or whatever garbage they were playing over the speakers.

Shopping trips had always been so simple to her. Keep her head down, headphones on, don't touch anyone, keep her distance, in and out as fast as she could, profit.

She felt herself slowing down as she made it to the frozen section. The song overhead faded out and Amelia was given a few moments of respite before the next came on, even more shrill than the last. She ground her teeth as she went about trying to find everything she needed, nails digging into her arm as she tensed and tried to drown out everything around her and focus on the one task she'd been given. 

There was a couple right next to her discussing what they wanted to have for dinner, loud voices over the already loud music. Couldn't they just shut the fuck up???

It was meant to be easy, but why did this feel so impossible?

Her teeth were absolutely abusing the inside of her mouth to the point she could taste blood on her tongue, the added layer of her jacket was the only reason her arm wasn't the same, her nails digging into the fabric, creasing it, not hard enough to damage her precious jacket but enough to leave marks. She wanted so badly to grab her hair and pull until her roots ached, to plug her ears with her hands and squeeze her eyes shut until the pressure in her chest went away.

The couple started arguing, voices raising in pitch.

Suddenly, it felt like her breaths were coming in even shorter. Her ears rang, loud enough that she could barely hear anything around her anymore. The world around her grew fuzzy and she wasn't sure if it was just her mind or if she'd somehow stopped breathing- she couldn't tell anymore, not when everything felt the same. Everything hurt.

What was she even meant to be looking for again? Fuck, she'd forgotten. If she could just get over this...whatever it was, and find what she'd been looking for she could get out. Go somewhere quiet and dark with no one else around. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? To sit alone somewhere with her hands on her ears and her eyes shut, no one to bother her until she rode out this feeling.

It was like she could almost hear her mother screaming at her to get it together. Rough hands holding her arms down so she couldn't claw at herself, at whoever was near her, trying to get away from the itchiness in her own skin. The sharp sting of being hit, being told to control herself better otherwise her next punishment wouldn't be so lax. Being thrown into a room, door locked for hours at a time, not allowed out until she was normal. Not allowed dinner until she could behave.

Her arms were shaking but she couldn't feel them.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck FUCK!!

This was bad. Usually, she could hold it in until she was in the privacy of her own apartment but it was getting harder and harder to hold back. It felt like her lungs were about to burst from her chest, she had no idea what the fuck she was meant to do. There were too many people around, to witness her and her shortcomings. How easily she could lose control of herself, how weak she was, not even able to deal with a little noise, a little pressure. How fucking pathetic.

There was a presence around her, the familiar smell of soil, pressure ghosting over the sleeves of her jacket but not touching. A voice reached her ears, low, warm, familiar in a way that made the panic recceed ever so slightly. She still didn't dare open her mouth to speak, could barely hear over the ringing in her head, but she allowed herself to be gently guided back down the aisle.

She was never touched, not fully. That was good- Amelia wasn't sure she could deal with being touched right now, that felt like far too much.

Everything hurt, her eyes, her lungs, her head, her limbs, her nails ached at the sheer pressure of holding her hands into fists, she was sure she'd cut through skin but she was far too out of it to care.

"Not far now..."

That voice.

***

Suddenly you're a child again, suddenly you're cowering in the corner of the bathrooms at your old school, shaking, pulling at your hair, so overwhelmed by everything that you'd run out of your classroom to go freak out somewhere you knew you wouldn't get punished. It was scary, how easily you slipped out of control. It was so hard to control your emotions, not when people could manipulate them so easily.

They had been there, too. Leaning against the wall, swaying on their feet, not touching, not close, but close enough that you were aware of their presence.

You remember being terrified of another person being there, of seeing you like that. You remember trying to run.

But then they'd spoken. And their words hadn't been harsh, they hadn't raised their voice, they didn't sound disgusted or confused as to why you were acting this way.

They'd spoken to you and had not expected you to reply back. They spoke softly, almost a whisper, something only you could hear.

You leaned against the wall with your knees up to your chest and your hands clenched in your hair and you listened to them.

And it had been enough.

***

Pathetic.

She felt pathetic.

This was humiliating, she didn't care if Salix had seen it before, she was older now, she should've grown out of this.

She sat in the back of the car with the door open, feet on the ground, cold air blowing her hair out of her eyes. Head bent low, shoulders slumped forward, embarrassed, shaking, humiliated. She wanted to run away but she didn't have the energy so she just...sat there and waited for Salix to say something, anything.

But nothing came.

They were in the front, fiddling with something that Amelia couldn't see. It didn't seem like they were occupied with anything, just passing the time. Just staying with Amelia for the sake of it.

She felt sick.

"Sorry," she croaked, and rubbed at her eyes. "You can go finish helping Lucia, I'm okay".

There was a shuffling noise, she assumed it was Salix looking over at her.

"Do you want me to give you some space?" they asked instead of replying.

Amelia hesitated. Did she want space?

If Salix went to help Lucia they could leave faster...and then she could go back to her room and lay under the blankets with her headphones on for as long as she wanted. Didn't that sound nice?

Amelia nodded. Salix hummed in acknowledgement.

"Alright, there's some water in the centre console for you, please try and drink some" The car shifted as they got up. "I'll be back soon. Do you need anything else?"

She shook her head, swinging her feet into the car so they could lock it up behind them, still hiding her face, not wanting to be seen. "No. Sorry".

They left and she was alone. She uncovered her face, rubbing up and down her cheeks, through her hair. Her eyes felt damp, irritated- they were probably red from all the anxious rubbing, she could already feel them aching.

It was an understatement to say she felt like shit. She couldn't wait to get back and hide herself away. This had been far, far too much and she felt dumb for thinking that it'd go any different.

She supposed she'd forgotten just how weak she was. She had been barely functioning before she got sick, so why would it be any different now? Idiot.

Reaching over, she grabbed the water bottle Salix had mentioned, feeling a little more in her right mind now that she was alone in silence. She uncapped it and took small sips, rocking herself back and forth and focusing on the way the cold water hit her tongue rather than anything else. It felt nice, refreshing, and she held it in her mouth until her teeth ached and then swallowed.

The water helped ease some of the tension in her head, ever so slightly. It wasn't enough, but it would last her until she was somewhere safe. Somewhere inside and dark and secluded where she could just...let go and feel all of these emotions.

Amelia didn't speak when Salix and Lucia came back with the bags. She refused to meet Lucia's concerned gaze, she didn't answer Salix's questions. She followed silently behind as they parked and walked back around the apartment building with bags in their hands.

And when they were back inside, she set down the bags she'd been carrying on the sofa and walked into Lucia's room. She shut the door, took off her boots and jacket, turned off the lights and got into bed.

***

It wasn't acknowledged when she reappeared later on that evening, scruffy, hair sticking up, dark smudges under irritated eyes.

Lucia smiled at her as she emerged from the room, her eyes lighting up when she saw her. Pure, unfiltered relief, a softness to them that Amelia would've never dreamed were meant for her.

Her heart melted and she let it because she was tired. She flopped down onto the sofa beside her and allowed Lucia to shuffle closer, arm slung across the back.

Lucia felt warm and inviting but also so, so terrifying at the same time. Amelia's emotions had been pulled taut from the stressful day she'd just had, she wasn't thinking straight, that must've been why she also inched closer into Lucia's warmth.

The small breath through Lucia's nose meant nothing, nor did the way her arm lowered so that her fingers trailed lightly over Amelia's shoulder. It took all of Amelia strength not to lean in, she could feel her skin pricking at the closeness but she couldn't tell if it was good or bad. More like...unfamiliar if that made sense.

But the usual uncomfortable itchy feeling wasn't there, so she stayed like that.

Lucia had been an enigma ever since they'd first met. Amelia couldn't even remember why she'd been mad at her back then, not when she was here next to her, smiling at her as if she'd never done anything wrong, as if she were actually happy to have Amelia in her life.

What a strange thought.

Was it really, though?

Salix was here, too. They sat down on her other side and shot her a small reserved smile when she looked their way. They lifted their legs onto the sofa, their knees touching Amelia's thighs in a comforting sort of gesture. She could tell they were glad she was okay- an unspoken answer to an unspoken question.

It was a drizzly evening in late October, the lights were dim, dimmer than usual, the hum of the TV was almost nonexistent. Everything was quiet but that was how Amelia liked it, it brought her comfort.

***

It was hard to stay satisfied for long when Amelia's life was the way it was, but it was the closest thing she could think of to describe how she was currently feeling.

Apart from...the incident at the grocery store things had been going pretty smoothly. Lucia and Salix had been in and out of the apartment the last few days, cleaning, making phone calls and working. Amelia was grateful for everything they'd been doing for her, and so she found herself in the kitchen, keeping the promise of cooking them dinner for when they returned.

She didn't have much to work with, or really much cooking experience in general. Even with the recent grocery haul, not all of the things Amelia had originally wanted to buy had actually been bought but she could work with what she had.

The original idea had been scrapped for something a bit easier to make. Something she could do relatively fast so that she didn't have to be walking around for too long, because standing up for long periods of time still made her feel dizzy.

She'd settled on a simple stir fry with all the vegetables she could find in the fridge and some meat she could easily defrost and cook from the freezer. The noodles were some cheap packed ones Lucia had found on clearance- not the best but it'd do.

It wasn't the most complicated dish, but it didn't need to be. Stir fry fucked hard and that was all that mattered.

It was early evening when she started preparing the food. Amelia had not cooked for a long time, even when she bulk-cooked things on the rare occasion she had the motivation to do so, she mostly lived off quick, cheap meals. Still, she wanted this to be perfect for Sal and Lucia, she needed it to be. If it wasn't then she may as well be kicked out.

She'd spent the afternoon scouring the web for recipes that she could reference with the ingredients she had, and though she hadn't found any specific ones, she had a few bookmarked for reference. She was determined to get this right no matter what, and by god was she going to make a delicious dinner for the people who'd been letting her stay in their apartment for over a week at this point.

And sure, maybe the vegetables could've been chopped slightly smaller, and maybe the meat could've been seasoned a bit better, the noodles left in for longer, but when Salix and Lucia arrived home and the smell of freshly cooked food hit their noses, they were delighted all the same.

"Holy shit" Lucia groaned when she wandered into the kitchen to see what Amelia was cooking. "That looks amazing".

"You haven't tasted it yet," Amelia said, still worried that her food had come out shitty.

"Well, is it ready yet?"

"Almost".

Salix set out plates, Lucia made up some drinks and once everything had been plated they sat in their usual places in the living room and ate.

And if the praise got to Amelia's head as the two dug in and immediately started saying how good the food was, then that was nobody's business. She was just happy to have done something for Lucia and Salix. The fact that they were happy made her satisfied in a way she couldn't quite explain, a feeling in her chest that was warm and nice and so unlike everything else she'd felt these past few months.

It wasn't like it meant anything, though.

It wasn't like she was finally coming to terms with how lonely she'd been before this.

Because....fuck. It was terrifying to realise how close she'd come to giving up.

Notes:

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 18

Things were looking up, which was more than Amelia had thought would happen when she first found herself in Lucia and Salix's apartment. It wasn't perfect, because nothing could ever be perfect when concerning Amelia, but she was content all the same.

The company was nice, the warm meals and the cosy bed she got to sleep in, though she still felt a little stab of guilt for making Lucia sleep on the couch, no matter how many times she insisted she didn't mind. It was a weird sort of familiarity, of a past she had once wished could be a reality all those years ago, when she'd been a sad, angry teen just trying to make her place in the world.

But she'd grown up now. She'd grown up broken, sure, that was just how it was when you were forced to live through what Amelia had, but suddenly it didn't seem like the end of the world.

Amelia had always considered herself unlovable for a whole myriad of reasons, but now she was starting to doubt everything she'd ever thought.

Was she really so unlovable when Salix was still with her even after everything they'd gone through? And Lucia...a complete stranger who had somehow found herself wrapped up in Amelia's life and had chosen to stay there, even when she'd tried so hard to push her away.

It was inconceivable, Lucia's existence made no sense to her. How could someone like Lucia want to stay in the company of someone like Amelia???

And yet...here she was, sitting on the sofa next to Amelia with her laptop balanced on her knees, feet kicking back and forth idly as she talked. They were discussing Halloween plans since it was coming up,  Lucia wanted them all to do something together. The fact that she was so readily including Amelia shouldn't have made her head spin as much as it did.

Amelia coughed into her hand and cleared her throat, "I'm just saying, you don't have to shift your plans because of me!"

"We're not" Lucia levelled her with a look, one brow raised, "we literally weren't going to do anything different with or without you here".

She still felt guilty- her mind was trying to convince her that she'd gotten in the way of some big plans that she couldn't participate in because she was still sick. It didn't matter how much Lucia tried to tell her otherwise, it seemed like she still felt a little like she wasn't truly meant to be here.

But she was here, and she was here to stay. She had a place in this apartment, and no matter what her traitorous thoughts were trying to tell her, she always would.

It was hard even to consider that a possibility...but it was the truth, wasn't it?

Lucia nudged Amelia back to the present with her knee, a quick little tap, a press against her leg that only lasted a mere half a second but the sensation stayed for much longer afterwards. It spread across her knee, down her shins and then back up again, a warm, pleasant sensation that Amelia's body craved more of.

She shut that thought down.

"Besides" Lucia went on as if nothing had just happened, "it's one more person to help vote on what movies we're gonna watch".

"But didn't you want to...go out or something?"

Amelia felt embarrassed by the way Lucia's mouth snapped shut, her eyes landing on Amelia, an unreadable expression on her face. She felt pathetic and needy, the way she was seeking validation, confirmation for being in her life. But what was she meant to do after she'd been hurt so many times before?

"Amelia. It has been a long fucking few months, I definitely do not want to go out and get fucked up on Halloween this year. I'd rather stay here with you guys and watch some dumb horror movies with a few ciders and some takeout. I promise this is what I want and I want you to be here too, because I enjoy your company. Now shush and keep looking through movies with me".

It was blunt, but that was what Amelia needed right now. Dancing around the subject and being hesitant to give a proper answer was something Amelia had had to deal with for a lot of her life, because no one had ever wanted to include her in the important things.

She hummed in reply as she settled back onto the sofa, leaning in to continue looking through potential movies.

Lucia...enjoyed her company.

Hmm, best not to think too hard about that. Considering she'd spent a lot of time with Amelia lately, it added up, but that didn't stop the strange feeling it left in her chest. She wasn't sure how to name it, but it didn't necessarily feel bad- it just wasn't something she was used to feeling because she'd been alone for so, so long now.

It was hard to think about how she'd been mere months ago, because that version of herself was cynical and twisted in a way she hoped she'd at least grown out of around Lucia and Salix. She hadn't been well in a long time, she knew she still wasn't well, both mentally and physically, but at least now she had been given an opportunity to get better.

She'd thought that there was no cure for whatever the fuck was going on in her head, the horrible memories and nightmares of her past, the uncertainty of her future, how bleak everything had looked. It wasn't something that could go away at the drop of a hat, she knew that, but taking this first step and allowing people into her life was a good start. It was a terrifying first step, one she'd refused to take because there was some sort of sick comfort in allowing herself to dwell and simmer in this sickness. It was familiarity more than anything else, and it had allowed her to get into the state she was in now.

Her body had felt like it'd been seconds away from shutting down for a few years now, and she'd just sort of been...waiting it out, she supposed. It wasn't a good way of thinking, but she figured if she dropped dead one day then no one would be there to grieve for her, so why would it matter?

Now it mattered.

Lucia would grieve for her. Lucia felt far too much for her own good, taking Amelia in when they'd only interacted a few times, talking to her like she was a friend even when she was desperately trying to pull away. Lucia was stubborn in a way that Amelia had never seen before, there was a fire in her eyes, something in her expression that told her she would fight for what she thought was right. And apparently, fight to befriend Amelia too.

Salix...they had already grieved for her. She couldn't do that to them again, the guilt of what she'd already put them through was eating her up and probably always would. There was absolutely nothing she could do to apologise for leaving them without a word and she knew that. The least she could do was stick by them now that she was back, She could give them that.

And there were other people too, she supposed. Her siblings, for one, would be beyond pissed if they found out Amelia had been alive this entire time and then died. But right now she couldn't think about that, because she knew they'd be pissed if she showed her face, there was no stopping their wrath no matter what she did.

Eda and Lilith, too. Though, she preferred to think of their relationship with her as nothing but acquaintances because looking any deeper into it made her chest hurt in ways she didn't want to think too hard about.

She had people who she would dare say...cared about her, which was more than she had ever thought she deserved.

Amelia knew she was broken, she was hard to get along with because she didn't understand how to interact with people in a way that was deemed normal. She had been berated almost every day of her childhood by a mother who refused to understand her and accommodate her needs and neglected by a father who forgot he even had children most days. She'd felt so, so alone her entire life, even with people she could say she was close with, like Salix or her siblings. Even with those relationships, she had still felt so disconnected from the world around her.

And then here she was, slotted nicely into the life of someone she'd met mere months ago, picking out dumbass movies to watch for a dumb fucking holiday she didn't care about.

It wasn't like her mother had ever let her celebrate Halloween, so why should she care what they did that day?

Because it was important to Lucia. She wanted to spend time with Amelia, it was the least she could do.

But she knew deep down she wasn't doing this out of any sort of obligation. There was another reason for it, one that terrified her.

"What sorta movies did you watch as a kid?" Lucia's voice cut through the silence, soft, open, curious, but also hesitant.

Amelia looked away to give herself time to think. Her mother had always been so strict about what sort of media she was allowed to consume as a kid.

"Whatever Salix had, mostly" she answered with a shrug, thinking back to to times when they were younger, bundling up in their room, tangled together in blankets, giggling and whispering to each other as the TV played some movie in the background of their chatter. Amelia didn't remember any specific ones- she hadn't really been there to watch movies, more so spend time with the one person who had made her feel whole.

Lucia smiled, a nostalgic sort of look in her eyes as she set her laptop down on the coffee table and shifted to face Amelia. "So, you and Salix..."

"Me and Salix?"

"You go back far, right? Like you were friends as kids?"

It felt like prying, it felt like Lucia was trying to dig up her past. For what exactly? Amelia couldn't tell. Perhaps she was just curious, but in her mind, that didn't really add up, because no one had ever been curious about her. She'd made it her mission to stay out of the spotlight, hiding in the shadows of other people for her entire life- she was sure anyone from her old school barely remembered her at this point, just another face in the sea of people that came and went.

To the world, Amelia Blight was a nobody. She liked it that way.

"Didn't Salix tell you anything about me?" she asked defensively.

"No, not really. I mean, I knew of you. Sal would mention a childhood friend but never really gave me anything more than that. It seemed like a rather touchy subject so I figured something had happened and didn't push" Lucia shrugged, "but now that you're here, I can't help but be a little bit curious!"

"Well, if Salix didn't tell you anything there was probably a reason for it" She didn't mean for her voice to come out as sharp as it did, but this wasn't something she was particularly interested in getting into. She'd already been wrung out from her conversation with Salix about their shared past, but repeating anything to Lucia just felt like far too much right now.

She didn't mean to snap, she didn't mean for her defences to come up, her body did it without her consent, made her feel this way whether she liked it or not.

Lucia's expression was unreadable as she levelled her dark eyes at Amelia. Her lips quirked up, a tiny smile, though it held a newfound uncertainty there too.

"It's fine if you don't wanna talk about it. I'm sorry for pushing" she said, picking her laptop back up.

Amelia felt like she'd done something wrong. Like Lucia was mad at her for not wanting to talk about her past. Something horrible settled in her chest, like this was the end for whatever relationship the two had started to grow, as if this one thing had pushed Lucia over the edge into realising how unfriendly Amelia was.

But then...Lucia turned her laptop screen towards her like nothing had happened. Like the tension wasn't there at all, and Amelia was left confused and a little defensive as they continued to look for movies.

***

Lucia was an enigma she had yet to fully understand and it pissed her off. She liked to think of herself as good at reading people at this point, she'd spent so long getting on the good side of every adult she could, just so that she wouldn't be as much of a failure to them as she had been to her mother.

But Lucia didn't feel like anyone else she'd ever had to deal with. There was something different about her, something that felt off but not necessarily in a bad way.

She was used to Salix, could feel safe in their company. And that was there with Lucia too in a way. Amelia would begrudgingly admit that she trusted Lucia at least somewhat. But even then she still felt herself holding back when talking about herself, like she'd undo everything she'd worked towards by speaking of her past.

Amelia was home alone, the others having gone out to run errands, giving her some time to herself. Before they'd left, Lucia had pulled her off to the side and asked if she wanted to look over the latest chapter of the novel she was working on.

It wasn't that big of a deal considering Amelia had already read part of it before, and had enjoyed it, but the way Lucia asked made it feel like some sort of big secret. A confession. Like she was embarrassed to even be asking such a thing.

And Amelia had agreed because it was something to do, and she secretly thought that Lucia's writing was the best she'd ever read- not that she'd ever admit that to anyone. But it had been so very long since Amelia had touched a story like the one Lucia was crafting and it made her feel almost nostalgic in a way. Like this could've been something she'd read as a child. It brought her back to the few good memories she had of her reading to her siblings, or walking around the library with Salix in search of new books.

Her mother had never been happy about her interest in reading fiction. She'd told her pretty early on that she needed to focus more on reality, to stop daydreaming and think of the real world, trying to sap all the creativity out of her before she turned into something her mother didn't want her to be. Amelia had spent a long time doing whatever her mother had told her to because she'd craved the affection she thought it'd give her. She wanted her mother to be proud of her.

Obviously, that didn't work out.

She'd been forced to give up so much because of her mother. She'd never gotten anything back in return save for the same cold indifference from her parents that she'd always had.

Which is why she allowed herself to read Lucia's manuscript. One big fuck you to her mother, who had deprived her of her own joy for so long.

It was still taking her some time to actually allow herself to do things that she enjoyed doing. She was taking it one step at a time, because part of her brain was still trying to tell her that she didn't deserve it- a habit she had yet to break even during her stay with Salix and Lucia.

Lucia had asked her to write notes in the document- anything she thought could be improved upon,  spelling and grammar mistakes, that sort of thing. Amelia hesitated at that, feeling like if she did it would be intruding on something she wasn't meant to.

Reading what Lucia had written was...exciting. It felt like she was dipping her toes into the childhood she'd never been allowed to have. It felt like she was experiencing a part of Lucia she had yet to see- like she was being let into her world. Lucia wrote in a way that was easily digestible and flowed beautifully, her use of spacing, of the structure of the text left Amelia on the edge of her seat.

It was perfect in every way and made Amelia's chest feel warm to read. Those traces of nostalgia were still there- she'd have to ask Lucia about her inspirations later, and made her feel warm and cosy, like she was being bundled up in a big blanket.

When she'd finished, the excitement didn't leave, it stayed in her gut, a feeling spreading through her chest, along her shoulders, up her throat. She stood up, careful to not disturb Lucia's laptop and paced around her room because it felt like if she didn't do anything right now she'd explode.

She paced tracks into the carpet with her socked feet, going back and forth and back and forth. Her hands clenched and unclenched, she shook them out and kept shaking as she felt some of the tension leave her body.

Amelia didn't have the words to describe how she felt about Lucia as a person. But she could describe her writing. It was amazing. It was...beautiful in a way that made her heart flutter. All the thought and care that got put into each sentence- Amelia could tell that that translated to Lucia's personal life too. She cared greatly for the people around her, it was refreshing to see someone so compassionate in her life full of adults who had barely cared enough to check she was eating most days.

It felt like she didn't deserve to see such excellence, but was honoured to be given a chance anyways.

When Lucia came back, bag of shopping in one hand and a tray of coffees in another, she spotted Amelia hanging out on the sofa and smiled. There was a hint of nervousness in the way her lips tilted upwards. Amelia watched her come closer and set one of the coffees in front of her on the coffee table.

"Uhh, thought you might like this," she said, gesturing to the coffee, "I wasn't sure what you liked so I just got a plain black coffee".

"Oh....thanks" Amelia stared at it before reaching over and prying the lid off, letting steam rise up to the ceiling. It was still too hot to drink so she set it carefully back on the table to wait for it to cool. "Is this from Starbucks? Did you go to the mall?"

"No problem! I went to see how Eda's holding up at the store, yeah. I told her and Lilith you should be ready to come back within the next few weeks and they seemed relieved to have you back so soon".

"Really?"

"Yes? Is that so hard to believe that Eda and Lilith care about you?" Lucia raised a brow.

"I mean- I guess so!"

Lucia's smile brightened a little, amusement clear on her face. She dumped her bag in the kitchen ready to unpack later and came back to sit with Amelia on the sofa. It dipped slightly under her weight as she brought her legs up and got comfortable a respectable distance from Amelia.

"Did you end up reading the newest chapter of my novel?" she asked after a hesitant sip of her coffee.

Amelia looked away, trying to go for indifference when she spoke, "Yeah, I did. Uh, it was good".

"You think so?" the hope of Lucia's tone made her feel warm.  She tried to turn herself further away.

"I really enjoyed it".

Lucia made a pleased noise in the back of her throat and Amelia could hear the scraping of her laptop being picked up off the table. The sound of tapping followed as Lucia typed in her password and opened up her document.

"No notes?" she asked idly as she scrolled up and down the wall of text.

"I didn't think it needed anything changed" Amelia admitted with a nonchalant shrug.

"Aw, thanks. I'm glad you liked it!"

There was a warmth to her voice, a fondness. Amelia glared at the carpet, too scared to make eye contact to see what expression Lucia was throwing her way this time.

***

"Y'know, she doesn't show her writing to just anyone".

"Hm?" Amelia yawned, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes as she sat on the fire escape and watched people come and go from below them. She'd just woken up from a nap, the last traces of her nightmare in the stiffness of her limbs and the weird airy feeling in her head.

It was dark, probably early evening, the cold air made the hair on her arms stand up but she didn't mind. Her room had felt far too stuffy for her at that moment and she needed some cool air to help her calm down.

Salix had offered to sit with her, a chance to talk to her after a busy day of work and trying to figure out what the fuck to do about her apartment. They leaned against the closed door and looked up into the sky, a crooked smile on their face, cheeks rosy from the cold.

"Lucia's always been very self-conscious about her writing" they explained, each word coming with a billow of hot breath, "It took her months of knowing me for her to be comfortable enough to actually write in our dorm. She thought I'd make fun of her for it".

"Really? She seems so...confident to me".

"She is now. But when we first met...she was kind of a mess. I won't get into it but it was a lot to deal with" they huffed a laugh, adjusting their glasses, "she's really grown into herself these past few years, I'm really grateful I got to see it".

Amelia couldn't imagine a Lucia any different than the one she'd met. She couldn't imagine a Lucia so embarrassed of her own work that she couldn't tell a soul about it.

"Even now she doesn't really share her more personal projects" Salix continued, watching Amelia from the corner of their eye.

"Then why would she show me?" Amelia asked, "I'm practically a stranger to her".

"Not really," Salix said, their tone shifting, "Not anymore. She trusts you".

"But....why?"

"Does she need a reason?"

Amelia opened her mouth to say yes, she did need a reason because she hadn't done anything to deserve this trust, but Salix cut them off.

"Don't do that self-deprecation shit, Amelia. Is it really so surprising if I told you she likes you? She wouldn't be letting you stay in her room if she didn't".

"I know it's just- hard to process, I guess".

"It shouldn't be. You're nice to be around, whether you think so or not. If you weren't I wouldn't have stuck around when we were kids".

Amelia blew air out of her mouth and ran a hand through her hair. "I was a shit friend when we were kids, Sal".

Salix shrugged, "Not as much as you think. I won't deny that you had your moments, but I think it was mostly because you refused to communicate with me, which....now I know why. I understand how hard that must've been, but if you're still beating yourself up over it I wouldn't bother because I forgave you ages ago".

"It's not that easy to move past-"

"I know, but if you think that's the foundation of all your current and future friendships then you need to tell yourself that you're not a bad person, Amelia. That sort of mindset drags you down to places I wouldn't wish on anyone".

An apology died on Amelia's tongue because she'd been told over and over how bad a person she was and one talk wasn't going to undo all that. She knew she could change, but change was scary. Moving past everything she'd gone through had been far too daunting of a task for her to ever get past.

"Grief made me think that I was a bad person. A bad person for not being there for you, like I could've done something to prevent what I thought had been your death. And even now that I know you're alive, I still look back and think on all the signs there'd been. I did nothing to stop it" Salix continued quietly.

"I never blamed you for any of what happened between me and my mother" Amelia whispered into the cold night air, "I was trying to make sure you wouldn't get caught up in it".

"But that's the thing, isn't it? I still feel responsible for it not matter what you tell me" They turned to fully face Amelia, their eyes dark, "Like you said, it's not easy to move past a mindset like that. I understand. But I've changed too, I've grown from it".

"What are you getting at here?"

Salix smiled- it could barely be seen in the rapidly dimming light. "Let Lucia in. She's a good person, she cares about you more than you know. It'll be good for the both of you".

They bundled her up into their jacket for a hug and Amelia sunk into their arms, grateful for the warmth it brought. She closed her eyes and let herself be enveloped by them, the feeling of their chin on top of her head, their steady hands on her back, holding her ever so gently.

She thought about being in this position with Lucia. Letting her hug her. Touch her. It made her entire body light up red hot, fireworks going over her skin at the thought of Lucia being so close, so intimate with her. Maybe...it wouldn't be so bad.

Notes:

lmao thats kinda gay. anyways look at this silly claire's au art i made

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 19

It was with some trepidation that Amelia stepped out onto the fire escape with a cig between her lips, wary of where her feet were placed so as to make as little noise as possible. She felt like a teen again, having to sneak around behind her parent's backs and bum cigarettes wherever she could find them for a quick smoke, a quick release from the tension in her chest. But the more the days stretched on, the more desperate she became. It didn't matter if her lungs were still sore, still aching in a way that they shouldn't be- if she didn't get her fix now then she was going to have a breakdown.

Having to steal her cigs back from Salix was embarrassing, but they hadn't noticed yet, and if they had they hadn't mentioned it to her. She was in the clear for now, and so she let herself relax ever so slightly, gently nudging the door shut and fiddling with her lighter.

Salix would be mad if they saw her smoking, but they couldn't really talk since the two had spent so much of their high school years trading cigs between themselves under the bleachers. They should've known that making Amelia quit cold turkey would cause problems, even if she was sick.

But Salix wasn't here right now, and Lucia was currently in the shower so she had a small window of time to smoke her cigarette and then scurry back to her room to pretend she'd been napping before Lucia got out. It wasn't the best plan, far from it, but she was sure everything would work out.

And if it didn't...well, that was for future Amelia to deal with.

Right now she just wanted to focus on the taste that hit the back of her throat as she took her first drag, the way it burned in that familiar but pleasant way, the billow of smoke that came from her parted lips.

It was a fairly clear day out considering how late in October it currently was, not a cloud in sight but the air was still cold and staticky on the bare skin of her arms. She rubbed her arms, trying to suppress her shivers, and instead focused on the sights around her as she worked through her cig.

There wasn't much to see considering the neighbouring building obscured most of the street from the angle at which she stood, but she could still see the faint sunlight bouncing off the pavement, shadows weaving across cobblestone as people walked by.

Amelia's connection to this town was confusing and complicated in a way she couldn't fully comprehend. Bonesborough had been her home for a long time now and the thought of leaving made her terrified. She didn't think she could ever leave, stuck in this one place until she passed, and she'd been okay with that. There hadn't been anywhere else for her to go.

She still felt this way, that connection to Bonesborough and the people who lived there still held strong. Lucia and Salix had thrown an interesting variable into the mix, though. One that she wasn't sure was a good or bad thing. And even though her future now held even more uncertainty than before, she found herself not minding as much as she thought she would.

The sky was a very desaturated blue above her head, the sun peaking out ever so slightly to kiss the streets below. The streets of Bonesborough could never be described as bustling, but it was still fairly busy with people walking around, the faint noises of cars driving past, of voices that were lost to the wind as it slowly picked up. To Amelia, this was her home.

Even though she'd closed to door to the fire escape, the sound of the bathroom door unlocking and opening still met her ears and she swore quietly under her breath. Taking one last drag, she put out the cig on the railing and flicked it over the edge into the alley below, smoothing down her hair and shirt, wishing she had a mint of something to hide the smoke on her breath.

Shit, she hadn't thought this through enough.

The door opened- probably Lucia checking if she'd accidentally left the door unlocked, and Amelia was met with wide brown eyes before she could even open her mouth to explain herself.

"Hi....." Lucia said slowly. Her hair was still damp, clinging to her forehead, cheeks rosy from the hot shower. Amelia glared at her feet, not trusting herself to make eye contact. "What are you doing....out here?"

If she smelt the lingering traces of smoke on Amelia's clothes, she didn't say anything. "I just wanted to get some fresh air," technically not a lie- Amelia had been getting sick of staying in Lucia's stuffy room for so long. She hated lying to someone who'd been actively trying to help her get better, but it wasn't like she could be completely honest without someone getting upset with her.

"Oh okay!" Lucia seemed to at least partly believe her. "Mind if I join you?"

It was the question that threw Amelia off. She could do nothing but look up into Lucia's eyes and nod mutely as the taller smiled and stepped out onto the fire escape, ruffling her damp hair with a hand and she moved to lean against the railing.

Lucia was wearing a tank top that showed off far too much of her sunkissed skin and some joggers with thick fluffy socks. Her beanie was nowhere in sight, probably stored somewhere safe in the living room for her to put back on once her hair had dried. Her hair....wasn't something Amelia had seen a whole lot of without her signature beanie on. It was dark and curly, even in the half-dry state it was still in, curling around her neck in small ringlets. The two long strands at the front were frizzy in the cold stale air outside, her fringe drying sticking up from where she'd messed with it.

Amelia wanted to run her fingers through it. Her hand twitched and she clenched it into a fist and turned away to peer out over the side of the fire escape, face warm.

The almost peaceful silence that settled between the two was cut drastically short by Amelia's throat constricting into a coughing fit. She doubled over, her head feeling fuzzy, like she was underwater as she struggled to catch her breath between coughs. Her chest ached, she felt dizzy.

Smoking hadn't been the wisest option considering her...condition. She knew that, but she was an adult who could make her own decisions and she'd chosen to continue stealing cigarettes because it had made her feel at least somewhat better in the moment.

Unfortunately, her actions had consequences. She coughed up bile and spat it over the railing, worried that her meagre breakfast was going to be the next thing to come up.

Lucia was doing her hovering act, like she wanted to help but had no idea how. It was sweet in a way, how concerned she was. But right now Amelia didn't need help, that was what her mind was telling her, because as much as Lucia and Salix had helped her, it was still difficult to ask when she needed it. Instead, she stood up straight, tried to pry her hands from the white-knuckled vice grip on the railings, and turned to Lucia like nothing had happened.

"Y'know, sometimes I really worry about you" was the first thing from Lucia's mouth.

Amelia swallowed, the back of her throat still stung from the bile she'd upchucked into the alley.

"I think sometimes..." she continued, "sometimes you do things to make yourself worse on purpose, because you have so little regard for your own wellbeing".

"What does that have to do with anything" Amelia grouched, hurt by how accurate her statement was, and maybe also a little offended.

"It's just something I've noticed".

"W-well stop noticing! I'm fine" she snapped.

"I...." Lucia's brows furrowed, her expression was something Amelia couldn't gauge and it made her both parts frustrated and nervous, like she was missing out on something. "I just care, Amelia. That's all. I don't want you to get worse".

"I'm not getting worse" Amelia protested.

"Alright, I won't push it. Wanna come back inside? You're shivering really badly" an olive branch, hung out before her— the promise of warmth and maybe even.... comfort.

If it had been a month ago, Amelia would've declined. She would've tried to hide a blush, scoffed in Lucia's face and pointedly turned around, showing her disinterest. She hadn't wanted to get close to anyone, the thought of doing so was scary, something she didn't think she could handle. But now, she craved it, having gotten a taste of what it was really like.

She agreed because she hadn't realised how cold she'd become, too concentrated on trying not to sway to the side and faint from how light-headed she'd become after her coughing fit.

Lucia opened the door enticingly, waiting for Amelia to step inside before shutting and locking it. She followed Amelia over to the couch and tossed the blanket lying on the back over her in an attempt to warm her up fast.

Amelia let it happen, she didn't know why. She didn't like people dropping things on her, even if was the comfort of a blanket. She didn't like how close they had to get to do so. But this felt different. It was nice, it was familiar, like she was being wrapped up in warm memories, uncovered from years of neglect, of her trying to forget them because she hadn't thought she deserved any of the last traces of happiness they held.

She was a young child bundled up against Salix's side, helping them roll snow into a snowman, cheeks and nose flushed red from the cold. But she was smiling, giggling as Salix slipped on some covered ice and fell face-first into the snow. Helping them up and slipping on the same patch of ice, making them both tumble to the ground in a little pile on the ground.

She was older, tucked away in Salix's room with a blanket thrown over both of them. It was midnight, possibly even later, on a school night and they were supposed to be asleep. Hidden from the prying eyes of their dads under the blankets as they read together under the light of Salix's phone.

She was an adult. Well, freshly turned 18, and sick with a bad cold. Wrapped up in a bundle of blankets lying in the spare room of Lilith's apartment. She'd been so eager to get out, to live somewhere by herself. She'd taken for granted Lilith's kindness back then, back when she'd been so angry at the world. She regretted it, but how was she meant to make amends when she'd been nothing but antagonistic to the woman?

Lilith had looked after her then, too. Bringing her warm meals, soup she made herself, honey tea to soothe her throat. And what had she done in return? Moved out as soon as she'd gotten better, barely spoke to her unless it was for work after she'd gained back her independence.

There were some things she probably needed to fix, but that could wait until a later date. Right now she allowed herself to bask in these comforting feelings. The blanket she was bundled in smelled vaguely like Lucia, it felt soft underneath her fingertips, warming up her frigid body.

***

She decided to wait a few days before smoking again in an attempt to see if her throat would clear up. She still felt a little nauseous after her coughing fit, but it wasn't bad enough that the others needed to worry about it. At least, that's what she figured.

The tobacco hit the spot, helping soothe her cravings, but she still missed her weed. It had been far too long since she'd gotten high and it was starting to get to her now that she was ever so slowly recovering from being sick.

She knew she had some back at her apartment- she'd only brought what had been in her tin with her and that had run out pretty quick, but it was getting the others to grab it for her that was causing the issues. It wasn't like she could just casually ask Salix to get her weed for her because they'd immediately know what she was up to. But she also couldn't leave it there if people were going to be moving in and out of her apartment trying to clear the mould and sort out the heating issues. So she was stuck in this sort of limbo, where she had no idea what had happened to her little stash of weed, and it made her anxious.

Salix wouldn't steal it for themself, they were far too nice for that. But if they had it they hadn't told her about it, and no quick checks of their room while they were away had given her anything new to go off of.

It sounded crazy when she thought about it like this- how desperate she was, but it was hard to kick a habit she'd been doing for years and years. Going from smoking every day to cold turkey was driving her up the wall. 

The tremors in her hands and arms had started a day or so ago, the dry feeling in her throat intensifying until every time she swallowed it felt like her throat was sandpaper. She tried to get through it, tried to drink more water in an attempt to soothe the feeling, but it persisted.

So now she had to worry about her sickness on top of her withdrawals, which was making recovering a lot more difficult. But she had no choice but to suffer through it.

***

You're startled awake by the loud, echoing groaning of a shop cover being slowly lifted up. Your head is throbbing, your limbs hurt from being tucked away in a tiny corner for the entire night. You groan and stretch out your legs, rubbing sleep from your eyes and trying to work out the crook in your neck.

You hear voices nearby, you know you should probably get up and move before someone finds you but your limbs are still asleep. Standing up has never been this hard before, your body is exhausted, emotionally and physically.

Using the wall, you manage to prop yourself up on your feet with your bag slung precariously on your arm. The bandaged wound complains at the movement, stinging painfully and making you grind your teeth together to stop from crying out. Once you're out of sight of anyone nearby you can try and find something to help with the pain, but right now you need to find the closest exit.

You barely remember the layout of the mall from your wanderings last night so you pick a random direction and start walking, hoping that anyone who sees you thinks you're just some random person passing through. Though your unkempt appearance might raise a few eyebrows, it's nothing you can't deal with.

The mall is relatively empty for the most part, mostly filled with half-asleep employees opening up stores. You aren't sure what the time is but it must still be early.

There's a small cafe by the entrance, the doors propped open, the smell of freshly baked goods coming from inside. Your legs move as if they have a life of their own, over to the door to peek inconspicuously inside.

It's empty, whoever opened up must be somewhere out back....

You take a tentative step inside, making a beeline for the little basket of pastries already set up on the counter. You feel guilty- you have some money saved up but spending it on little goods like this probably wouldn't be worth it so you do the next best thing.

Taking two pastries from the basket, you check around the cafe again before sprinting out and back through the mall, your impromptu breakfast acquired.

There's only a small part of you that feels bad for swiping the pastries- it's not like you had the best track record back at home, but your mind still hasn't fully come back from the day you had yesterday, still feeling like you're floating through water.

You almost make it to the entrance before you almost run into someone. You barely skid to a stop before you knock into them.

"Oh!" it's the lady from yesterday, with the blue eyes that remind you far too much of your mother.

"Sorry," you mumble, stepping past her to shoulder your way outside.

You barely hear the quiet "-wait!!" before the door shuts behind you and you're outside in the freezing morning wind.

***

The day of Halloween is a rather foggy one. Foggy and wet with miserable drizzle- it looked like there might be a storm on the way.

Amelia felt like shit. She hadn't been able to steal a cig to smoke for a few days and it was making her head hurt on top of her still being sick. The last time she'd snuck into Salix's room, she hadn't been able to find the cigs, which was weird because she always made sure to put them back in the exact same place when taking one.

She had the suspicion that Lucia might've said something but she couldn't know for sure without asking and if she didn't then that'd give herself away. It could also have been that Salix finally noticed the cigs missing from the box and had assumed Amelia had been taking them and hidden them somewhere else, but either way, Amelia was pissed her little plan hadn't lasted as long as she'd wanted it to.

It was probably for the best that she didn't have access to them, but that wouldn't stop her annoyance, or her cravings.

She'd woken up in a bad mood, the lingering traces of a nightmare still in her mind as she sat up and rubbed at her eyes. Breakfast hadn't been any better- she wasn't hungry but forced down something small to appease Salix and Lucia, and sipped at some water while she watched them go about the apartment.

"It's important you eat something a bit bigger later if we're gonna be drinking" Lucia said as she fell onto the sofa next to Amelia, propping her leg up and turning towards her with a grin. "Only if you're still down for that?"

"Of course I am" Amelia snapped, a little nastier than she'd meant. Maybe drinking would distract her from her other lack of....substances. At least they were letting her do it.

"Okay cool" Lucia said as if her tone hadn't affected her. How she could even deal with Amelia when she got like this was beyond her. "Sal has to work today but when they get back we can order takeout and watch some movies!"

That sounded nice. It sounded like everything she'd ever hoped for as a child- to spend time with friends, doing nothing and everything, just perpetually hanging out with people who cared about her and she cared about in turn.

Because she found that she did care about Lucia, in some way. A way she still felt very unsure about but a way nonetheless. It was a comforting thought, it made her chest feel warm, how she'd managed to find someone who made her feel like this. Back when she'd been younger it had been Salix, just her and them against the world, but now she had other people.

Lucia had to pop out to go see Eda at the mall, leaving Amelia alone with her thoughts and no cigarettes to distract her. But before the taller could open the door to leave, she stopped and turned back towards Amelia.

"Wanna come with? You'll get first pick of the booze".

It was an offer, a hand reaching out towards her. Amelia stared at her for a few beats- she hadn't gone out since the disaster at the grocery store and she wasn't sure she was ready to go back there yet. But staying here alone at the apartment wasn't any better, especially if she couldn't even smoke in secret anymore.

She sighed as if her decision held the weight of the world and said, "I guess I could come" like she wasn't having an internal battle with herself. The way Lucia immediately perked up made her glare at her feet.

"Headphones" Lucia reminded her before she could step out the door. She faltered, embarrassed that she even needed reminding, embarrassed that she needed them, and slipped them around her neck before following Lucia out the door.

They couldn't take the car since Salix had it, but neither minded walking to the mall at a slow but steady pace. Lucia was hype-aware of Amelia's shitty lungs and made sure not to walk so fast that she would be unable to catch up. It was infuriatingly thoughtful and made Amelia pissed off for no real reason other than it was easier to feel frustrated than...whatever that other feeling was.

She didn't mind the walk this time, even if it hurt her chest a little bit. It wasn't too bad, just a slight ache whenever she breathed, nothing she hadn't dealt with before.

The streets were almost empty considering the time of day it was, which was strange but not unheard of. The slight constant drizzle was a pain in the ass to walk in, and judging from the colour of the sky, it looked like it was going to get progressively heavier throughout the day. Better to get everything out of the way now before it turned into a downpour.

Going back to the mall after her extended break from work was strange, but she supposed she had to go back eventually. She needed to work after all, and the fact that she was up and about was a sign that she was getting better, which would hopefully stop Eda and Lilith from fretting over her.

Lucia had told her that the sisters were worried about her, but she hadn't really thought much about it until she found out Eda had been asking Lucia how she was every time she visited the mall. It'd be good for Eda's peace of mind to see her again, but she wasn't sure about seeing Lilith again so soon. It had always been a lot more complicated with her, and right now she didn't know what to think or even say to her.

It was weirdly warm in the mall, a stuffy, stale kind of heat that made Amelia's arms feel sticky in her jacket. The music was quiet and tinny but she still felt the need to slide her headphones over her head, more out of habit than anything else, and if Lucia acknowledged it she didn't say anything. She followed Lucia through the mall, her steps falling into place behind her, almost on instinct after so many years working here.

She knew this place better than most, though probably for the entirely wrong reason. It wasn't something she liked to dwell on for long- those first few months she'd found herself in Bonesborough, but she was glad that they were now long gone.

Lucia slowed down a little when they were close to the Hot Topic, she glanced over at Amelia, her lips quirking into a small smile. There was a question in her eyes- a check-up to see if she was doing okay, if she wanted to go see Eda with her.

And Amelia felt like she'd come too far to deny such a request, especially with how close they were. She stepped forward and continued walking, intimately familiar with this area of the mall.

The Hot Topic was almost empty save for a few people checking out the on sale Halloween costumes on the other side of the store. Eda was at the counter looking bored and tired, the bags under her eyes stood out against her pale skin, though it wasn't like Amelia could talk. Lucia walked forward with Amelia in tow, suddenly feeling nervous about seeing Eda after so long away. She knew she didn't look great right now- she hadn't worn makeup since she'd fainted, her troubled sleep had done horrible things to her skin and the bruises under her eyes were growing darker and darker each day.

But...when Eda caught sight of her, there was clear relief in her face. Her shoulders slumped down as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she stood up to greet them as they approached. Her eyes, so much like Amelia's own, were trained on her, her lips twisted up into a smile.

"Hi, Eda!!" Lucia greeted, handing over a few things from the bag she'd been carrying- it looked like paperwork of some sort- of maybe something to do with inventory of the store.

"Hey kids" Eda sounded delighted to see the both of them. She brought Lucia into a hug, patting her back affectionately. She turned to Amelia and for a brief moment she was worried the older woman was going to pull her into a hug but instead, she just put her hand on her shoulder and squeezed it assuringly. Amelia's chest twinged.

"I'm glad to see you're doing okay," she said to Amelia.

"Oh uh. Yeah. I'm getting better".

"We've been taking good care of her per your request, Eda" Lucia said lightly. 

"Good, I knew you would" she chuckled, "You've been feeding her enough?"

"Of course! Three meals a day! And snacks!"

"Good kid" she clapped Lucia on the shoulder.

Amelia glanced between them, feeling like she was somehow missing something- a moment shared between two people who'd come together to help make sure Amelia got better.

She wanted so badly to reject the whole looking after thing, but she really couldn't. She'd managed to cook a few more times for Salix and Lucia, but for the most part, they were the ones providing the food for her. She was trying so hard not to feel so useless all the time, but she fatigued far too quickly to properly look after herself.

Recovery was going slower than she would've liked, but at least she could walk around without feeling like she was about to pass out....most of the time.

It was clear that Eda was keeping an eye on her, even if she wasn't around the see her progress, and that made her feel way too many complex emotions to sift through right now. Even here, in the Hot Topic, she could feel Eda's eyes on her as she talked to Lucia, the corners of her eyes crinkling into a smile knowing that Amelia was doing okay. Amelia could barely look at her, it felt like far too much for her to deal with.

Eda never pushed her to talk- she'd always been like that. Far too understanding to push Amelia too far out of her comfort zone. When she'd been younger she'd taken it for granted, using it as an excuse not to talk to the woman. She'd been so ungrateful back then, but maybe there was still time to fix what she'd so selfishly broken.

Notes:

had to cut a few scenes out of this chapter before it got absurdly long, but that just means I'll move em to the next chapter so ur not missing out on anything!

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 20

When they exited the mall, the drizzle had turned into more of a shower. Amelia made an annoyed noise as the rain blew into her face, the wind blowing into her jacket and freezing her limbs. She shivered as she followed Lucia across the car park and back onto the street. They had one more stop at the store, and then they could head back to the warm apartment, though that was still far too long a time to wait.

Luckily, it wasn't too far to the store from the mall, but then she had to deal with the long walk back. She sighed, wondering if coming out had even been worth it when she knew she was going to come back damp and cold.

Her brooding was cut short by something soft and a little damp falling on her head. She jumped at the feeling, confusion ebbing away into something else when she saw Lucia's hands messing with the thing on her head, pulling it up out of her eyes and adjusting it so it fit better. She looked up at Lucia, who was slicking back her hair in the rain, ruffling her now bare head.

"You just looked cold and a little miserable" she explained, her cheeks and nose were rosy from the cold, "so I figured I'd try and warm you up a bit. If you cover your ears, it should help" she helped Amelia take off her headphones and adjust the beanie before putting them back on. "There!" she grinned, satisfied.

It did make her feel a little better, but it was hard to focus on anything when the smell of Lucia's beanie hit her nose. It smelt intimately like Lucia's shampoo, which shouldn't have been a problem because it was what she'd been using to wash her own hair but this....felt different. She had half a mind to throw the beanie off her head, but the gesture, the fact that Lucia had noticed that she was cold and tried to warm her up, made her reconsider.

Instead, she felt her face flush. She ground out a little "thank you" that made Lucia beam at her, and they continued walking in the relative silence they had been in before.

The streets grew slippery underfoot, Lucia ushered her away from the road where several large puddles were forming, not wanting to accidentally get splashed when a car drove past. It was such a little gesture, though so weirdly domestic that Amelia's head reeled. It was little things like this that made Lucia such an enigma to her.

She stewed as they walked further down the street, caught up in her own thoughts, trying not to spiral as she worked through them. She knew deep down that she was overthinking every little thing Lucia did for her, because she wasn't used to people doing things without ulterior motives. Trying to unlearn everything she'd been taught, every defence mechanism she'd put up, in the time she'd been staying with Lucia and Salix was difficult. She didn't want to make it difficult for them.

Amelia wanted this transition in her life to be as painless as possible, but even then she knew that that was hoping for the impossible. She'd never been good with change, it'd taken her so, so long to even call Bonesborough her home, and it felt like now everything was speeding up to a rather overwhelming degree.

But then Lucia turned to look at her, dark eyes holding emotions Amelia couldn't even begin to decipher. Lucia smiled at her, the way her cheeks lifted, eyes squinting, how genuine it was, Amelia stared and stared and stared and-

"AGH-" she tripped over the curb and Lucia snickered at her, her face stretched into a grin.

It was embarrassing, how easily she stumbled over her own feet as she tried to right herself, boots catching on the wet cobblestone. She blanched when a hand came to grab the back of her jacket, hauling her back up onto steadier feet.

Perhaps it would've been better if Lucia had commented on what had just happened, because instead, she just shot Amelia that damn smile and continued on as if nothing had happened. It was infuriating.

Amelia tried to put herself back together as she caught up with Lucia's longer strides. She rubbed at her flushed cheeks, the feeling of her cold hands on warm skin managed to ground her a little more, which was good. She needed to get over herself, stop stumbling about, because if she didn't then how was she supposed to show Lucia and Salix how she was getting better?

Yeah. That must've been it. A bout of light-headedness that had made her trip, nothing she couldn't handle. She just had to be more careful.

They made it to the store with little shenanigans after that point, but there was definitely something in the air that hadn't been there before, something Amelia couldn't quite pinpoint. She adjusted her headphones over her ears as they cut across the car park to the store's entrance.

Even without music, the headphones muffled the general noises of the store quite pleasantly- enough that Amelia found she wasn't getting overwhelmed. Her skin pricked with embarrassment as she remembered what had happened last time, but if Lucia was recalling anything, she didn't indicate it, which was good. She'd die on the spot if Lucia reminded her of that....weakness.

They didn't need to pick up much, just the booze and a few snacks to tide them over til they ordered takeout. Lucia seemed to know exactly where to go, exactly what to buy.

"If you wanna pick out any snacks, feel free to," she told Amelia.

Amelia didn't want to waste their money on little things like that. She was sure she could find a snack that Lucia or Sal had picked that would be decent enough.

But then Lucia stopped by the snack aisle and looked at Amelia expectantly, as if waiting for her to choose something, and Amelia stood there, frozen, because making decisions was hard.

"I'll just have whatever you're having" she mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest, putting up her defences. It felt petty, childish, to be doing this, to be so blunt about it, but she really, really didn't want to be a bother.

"Alright" Lucia shrugged as if this was no big deal at all, and gestured further down the aisle, "wanna go pick out some drinks? Neither of us are particularly picky, so get anything".

An offer. Amelia did not like making decisions, but if she could control what she drank tonight, she would take it.

She was picky about alcohol. Beers and most ciders were completely out of the question- she couldn't stand the taste. She preferred something sweeter, something that'd go down easy. Though, if it was for the taste or the fact that she could get drunk faster was something she would take to her grave.

Spirits were fine as long as she could get a mixer that wouldn't make it taste like chemicals, though she was sure that if she got drunk enough that wouldn't be much of a problem. Not that she wanted to get wasted, this was just a little thing between friends, after all.

She needed to stop thinking of the technicalities and pick some damn booze.

Cider would do, the fruity kind that didn't taste like piss. She crouched down so she could look at the prices of the crates of cider, trying to find the flavour she could actually get down so the night could at least be a little more fun.

"Found something?" She was startled as Lucia came up behind her and crouched down.

"Do you like strawberry and lime?"

"Mmmhm, best flavour. You have good taste," Lucia grabbed one of the crates and held it against her hip, the basket of snacks in her other hand as if it weighed nothing. "Get another one for good measure".

Amelia would never admit it, but she struggled to get the crate out from the bottom shelf and haul it up. She'd been sick, she hadn't exactly been hauling a whole lot of weight recently, and the thought of carrying it all the way back to the apartment wasn't a pleasant one at all. But Lucia was smiling at her and there was no way she could refuse.

With snacks and drinks acquired, they walked over to the checkout where Amelia was given a few moments respite as Lucia took out her card to pay for everything. She felt bad at having to make Lucia pay, even if she insisted, even if it shouldn't matter at all, it still left a bitter taste in Amelia's mouth.

Relying on people had never been something she'd ever gotten in her childhood. It had mostly been her who people had to rely on- whether it was her siblings, or Salix, or even her parents in some sort of sick way. This was a completely new experience for her, and though it was getting easier to allow herself a break from...everything, her walls were still up.

Bag of snacks in one hand, crate cradled in her other arm, Lucia looked back at Amelia and grinned, an expression that came to her face so easily and yet Amelia could still not wrap her head around the fact that it was directed at her. She looked away, down at the crate that'd surely have her arms burning all the way back to the apartment, and sighed.

She picked it up so that it rested against her shoulder, arms cradling it from underneath in an attempt not to strain them too much, and followed Lucia back out of the store.

It was still raining outside, it hit her all at once, making her scowl. If it wasn't for the beanie still perched on her head she would've been drenched, and she was silently thankful that she wouldn't have to wring rain out of her hair as soon as they got back to the apartment. Still, she wasn't prepared for the long trek back to warmth and safety.

She started dragging her feet not even 10 minutes into the walk, the fatigue of the day catching up to her, making her chest burn and her arms shake. Maybe she should've stayed home after all, but getting out had been good for her. Seeing Eda again....seeing the concern on the older woman's face, it had made her realise a lot about her past. It had made her-

She needed to talk to Lilith.

But that could wait, she had other things to worry about at the moment, like not passing out in the middle of the street.

It was with considerable effort that she focused on the task at hand, watching one foot move in front of the other and how Lucia's army jacket swayed in and out of her vision as they walked. The wind blew rain in her face, her hair escaping the beanie and hanging down, sticking in wet clumps to her cheeks and forehead. The rain picked up and she bent her head to the pavement and stepped up to walk closer to Lucia.

This was fine, she told herself, Lucia's presence had started to be one of comfort as of late. Amelia could barely even comprehend how that had happened, but it had, and it was a scary thought. But she figured she could work past this fear, maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all.

It was a miserable, grey day, the sky already turning dark, the streets empty from the rain, the people of Bonesborough rushing for shelter as the storm passed over the town. It made for easy crossing, puddles splashing under Amelia's boots as she stepped off the curb to scurry after Lucia's long strides, her shoulders aching, crate digging into her.

After a long, arduous walk, the apartment building finally came into view and Amelia's legs almost buckled under her in relief at the sight. Lucia looked back at her as she slowed down to a stop by the door, watching in amusement as Amelia limped up to her.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, sliding the shopping back further down her wrist to ruffle the beanie Amelia forgot was still on her head.

"Mmmhn need a nap".

Lucia made a noise in the back of her throat, a soft hum, her lips twisting upwards. Her dark eyes held Amelia for a few more moments before reaching into her pocket for her keys.

It left Amelia feeling breathless, the way Lucia would look at her like that. Just...the way she gazed down at her, it left her heart aching, stuttering in a way that felt as scary as it did good. She had no idea what this woman was doing to her, and she tamped it down as Lucia held the door open for her and she finally stepped into the dry, warm landing on the apartment building.

The heating was on, a soft hum underfoot as they walked over and waited for the elevator. Amelia sighed, leaning against the wall. Now that she'd stopped moving her limbs were feeling numb and staticky. She needed to lay down for a while if she wanted to be well enough rested to actually hang out with the others later on.

A short elevator ride later found them at the apartment door. Eagerness swelled in Amelia's chest, ready to drop the crate and change into something warm and dry so she could rest in bed. They'd been tracking little puddles of water throughout the building on their journey to the apartment and the damp, half-dry state of Amelia's clothes was starting to make her skin tingle uncomfortably.

Amelia all but collapsed as soon as the door was open, stumbling inside and dropping the crate by the sofa before falling onto it, closing her eyes her head hit the back. If it wasn't for Lucia shutting the door and then coming over to nudge her boots she probably would have fallen asleep right there.

"Mmmm" talking was hard. Amelia groaned as she sat back up to lazily pull at the laces of her boots, movements sluggish as exhaustion washed over her.

Walking into town definitely shouldn't have taken this much out of her, but she supposed once she got back into the routine of work it'd get easier. Right now she had to focus on pulling her boots off, shrugging off her jacket.

Lucia was right there with her, taking off her layers and putting everything back into their respective places, moving about the apartment as if walking through the rain hadn't been a big deal at all.

Slumped on the sofa, Amelia took off the borrowed beanie, fingers running over the damp fabric, and held it out for Lucia to take.

"Um. Thanks" she mumbled.

"No worries!"

Their hands brushed as Lucia took the beanie back, which shouldn't have been a big deal at all, but Lucia's hands were surprisingly, distractingly warm despite only just getting back inside and it made Amelia feel all types of ways. She clenched her hands into fists and watched Lucia set the beanie down on a radiator to dry off, the chill not having thawed from her own limbs.

She was damp and miserable and she knew a shower would do her some good but god, she was so tired. She said as such to Lucia, because she felt like she needed to say something before disappearing. Lucia smiled and nodded and said she'd be close by if she needed anything, which was weirdly reassuring even if Amelia knew she wouldn't need anything.

It felt like she'd been walking for days when she finally made it to her room. She shimmied out of her jeans and shirt and stood by the radiator, soaking in the warmth as she looked around for some spare clothes.

An eternity later, Amelia slipped under the covers and rest her head on her pillow, her aching body finally getting the rest it so desperately needed. With the room dark, curtains drawn, and the faint sound of rain tapping against her window, Amelia fell asleep.

***

"I'm sorry" panic. You're shaking, eyes wide. You're going to get punished. You're going to get hit. "I'msorry I-I'll take it back I promise I just-"

Blue eyes looking down at you. You see anger in them, you see your mother. You feel the phantom sensation of palm against skin, of your flesh being broken, bleeding, battered, bruised.

You hadn't meant to get caught, it was desperation that had caused you to steal. Hunger, money running dry, not enough to find a place to live, not enough to feed yourself a substantial amount. You were running out, and fast, and you were so scared you were going to die.

But that's what you wanted, right? To die?

Yes. But not like this.

Legs frozen in place, unable to run, cornered. Like a trapped animal. You needed to get out. You needed to fight back. But those eyes.

Maybe your mother had finally found you. How long had it been since you'd run away?

No. This wasn't your mother.

It's getting harder to breathe. You've never felt like this before, this panic that paralyses you. It feels like you're going to die, it feels like you have no control over your body.

They're going to punish you. They're going to lock you up. They're going to send you back to your mother.

This is it then. You suppose it is. It was a good run, but you were stupid to think you could ever escape.

"Calm down".

Your heads swimming. You might black out any second now.

"You're not in trouble, I just want to ask you a few questions".

Unlikely. This was a trick and you knew it.

"Please-"

You blink hard. A moment of clarity washes over you and you manage to get your legs moving, ducking under the woman's arms and sprinting as fast as your legs could carry you far, far away.

***

Fear was the first thing Amelia felt as she opened her eyes, the momentary panic making her forget where she was. She sat up, trying to catch her breath, running a hand through messy hair, down her face. They were cold, she felt too hot.

The ringing in her ears gave way to quiet sounds coming from outside the room. People talking, the noise of the TV. Someone laughed loudly, and it was enough for reality to finally sink in.

Amelia was safe.

That didn't stop any lingering feelings from appearing, but they weren't anything Amelia couldn't deal with. She'd spent so much of her life in fear it was second nature to her now.

She got up slowly, stretching out each limb, trying to shake the sleep out of them, and padded over to the door. It seemed as if Salix was back, which meant she'd napped for a good few hours. She didn't feel refreshed, not by any means, but she did feel slightly better than she had before.

A cigarette would probably fix that, but there was no way of getting her hands on one now, so instead she let the promise of drinking guide her out into the living room.

Salix was on the sofa messing about with Lucia's laptop while the other sat on the floor untangling cables. When she walked in they both looked up and greeted her warmly, immediately inviting her to sit with them as they continued on with their tasks.

All lights in the room were off save for a few fairy lights hung up on the walls, bathing it in a warm golden glow. The atmosphere was cosy, the TV had been turned on for background noise, some random show playing even though no one was paying attention to it. The cider crates had been set out underneath the coffee table, blankets piled on top of the sofa and a few packets of unopened snacks propped up on top of them.

It seemed like they were trying to connect Lucia's laptop to the TV so they could begin watching movies. Amelia sat next to Salix and watched the two of them work, almost as if they were in sync. The silence they fell into was easy, calming, like they'd done this a million times before and now they were inviting Amelia into their little shared space. She felt lucky to witness this.

Cables untangled, plugged into the TV and Lucia's laptop, messing about with the remote in an attempt to figure out where to go next. Lucia bickered with Salix, Amelia watched.

Drinks were passed out. Amelia hadn't eaten since breakfast, but she figured it'd be fine to put back a few ciders before they ordered food. That was normal- she just wanted the familiar feeling of light-headedness to surround her before everything felt like far too much.

She twisted the tab open and took a sip. It was cold- a few had been put into the fridge to keep them cool and as she took those first few sips she felt her body start to relax. Perhaps it was because it knew what was to come, perhaps it was because her crutch, her weed, had been taken away from her and this was all she had. She'd much rather get high, but she'd take what she could get.

The cider was halfway done before the others came to sit down beside her and pick out a movie from the list they'd chosen. Lucia, sitting on her right, leaned across the back of the sofa to hand Salix her phone so they could put in what they wanted to order for dinner. The smell of citrus wafted over, she took another sip.

By the time they'd all ordered she was on her second cider. If the others had noticed they hadn't said anything- they'd been too busy whittling down the list of movies. 

Lucia wanted to get into the Halloween spirit and watch a horror movie, which had been generally agreed upon by Salix.

"Are you okay with this?" they asked Amelia, raising a brow.

"Yeah, of course" she scoffed, offended they'd even ask. "I'm not a kid".

Salix held her gaze, as if trying to figure out her response. Amelia glared at them defensively, prickly. She didn't like being treated as if she were fragile, she could handle a fucking movie, but she stopped herself from snapping even further. She still felt a little on edge. Maybe the cider would help.

The lights were dimmed, the movie set up and snacks distributed between them while they waited for their food.

Amelia had not watched many movies in her life, only really watching whatever Salix had at their house as a kid, so this was an entirely new experience for her. She sat back, her third cider in her hands, fingers tracing over the raised lettering on the can, and watched.

Three and a half ciders in and the food was here. She sat up and her head swayed and it felt so normal, like a part of her had been missing, that she did it again.

She was only half paying attention to the movie, eyes unfocusing, using her brain power to shovel food into her mouth.

Lucia was talking over the movie, babbling on about how the special effects were created, the lore behind the story, the characters. She was getting into it, even more so once their food was finished, containers piled up beside the sofa so Lucia could gesture freely with her hands. Salix looked amused, like they'd had to deal with this before. 

Amelia was...intrigued, she supposed. Lucia seemed to know a lot about everything, she loved to learn, to know everything about anything that she deemed interesting enough. It was charming, made more intense by the cider running through her system.

A tipsy Lucia was a loud one. A talkative one. And affectionate one. 

The movie was switched out for a different one, one that made Lucia jump in her seat, grabbing Amelia's shoulder and shaking her in her excitement. The familiar intense feeling that usually came with getting grabbed felt different than it usually did. It didn't feel scary, like pain was about to blossom on her pale skin. It felt warm, and safe, and...

She wasn't scared. She wasn't scared of Lucia. 

This seemed obvious, she'd been staying here for so long now she'd grown used to the other woman's company. But something seemed to shift, something slotting into place.

Still, it felt like a brand new emotion, a grand discovery that she had no idea what to do with. Not that she needed to do anything, as long as she felt safe in Lucia's presence, that's all she needed.

Lucia was turned to face her, talking directly to her, leaning into her, hand still firmly on her shoulder. Amelia looked at her, really looked at her. And maybe the ciders were starting to get to her, maybe it was this new feeling washing over her but she wanted to lean in. Lean into this touch that was making her feel so, so good.

It was almost without thinking that when the movie started properly and everyone settled back down with fresh drinks and extra snacks, that Amelia leaned off to the side. Her bare arm barely brushed against Lucia's, just enough for friction, enough for Lucia to feel it. To make a move if she so desired, because Amelia was still far too scared to go any further. Not that she wanted Lucia to...touch was scary, remember? Touching was bad.

But not when it was Lucia. Or Salix for that matter, but with Lucia it felt different.

Maybe she'd drank too much. Or maybe it wasn't enough. The tipsyness was tipping into something more and she allowed herself to just...feel. To be in the moment.

The movie went on, along with the running commentary and interjections from Salix every now and then. They drank more, got noisier, got more touchy, went through another movie. Lucia slung her legs up onto Salix's lap, her arm resting on the back of the sofa. It left a rather inviting spot for Amelia to crawl into, but she stayed still. The thought of sitting close to Lucia made her equal parts nervous and excited and she didn't want to ruin whatever this new feeling was. She didn't want to barge into Lucia's personal space after she'd opened up so much of her life for Amelia already.

So she kept to herself for the most part, just enjoying the company and the way her head swayed, vision swam, the feeling of Lucia's warmth so close to her.

The atmosphere was enough to clear away the last of her lingering paranoia. The cider was enough for her to let her guard down and actually relax. Sure, not everything was perfect, there were still a lot of things she needed to do, but right in this moment, she didn't need to worry about any of that.

Breathing softly, tiredly through her nose, she closed her eyes. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep, body slumping to the side, falling into place on Lucia's arm.

Lucia stopped talking to Salix to look over at her, smiling down at the sleepy little bundle of blankets by her arm. She moved so that Amelia was cradled in the crook of her arm before turning back to Sal, talking more quietly than before.

Notes:

HIIIII this was meant to come out in...october but uhhhh things always be happening to me apparently, including:

. burnout
. dealing with friendship group shenanigans I cannot even begin to describe to you all bc it is so goofy
. got mould poisoned (just like amelia frfr)
. got a girlfriend (my sickly victorian child <3)

BUT im back now and I wanna get back into writing consistently! thank u sm for ur patience and hope u enjoyed this chapter :]

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 21

There was a warm presence pressed against her side when Amelia finally came to. Something tracing the seam of her sleeve, brushing against bare skin ever so gently, going up her shoulder and back down. It felt nice, in her barely awake state she hummed quietly and leaned in closer, content to stay a little longer just above the surface of consciousness.

She allowed her body to relax into the touch, pinpricks of memories of time shared between two young friends, cuddled up against one another in bed or a bundle of blankets on the floor crept to the corners of her mind. Her lips twitched up into the whisper of a smile, a sense of nostalgia falling over her that felt nice and comforting.

Allowing these snippets of memory to play was often painful, especially during the times when she'd wake up alone in her dark, cold apartment, but this time it felt different. It felt real.

It took her a few moments to realise that it was, in fact, real.

The last traces of comfort evaporated into panic as her eyes opened, cheek pressed up against a soft cotton shirt, arm sitting comfortably around her shoulder, the feeling of being trapped almost overwhelmed her.

She blinked away the last traces of sleep and sat up, shrugging off the arm around her and scooting back til her back hit the arm of the sofa.

"Morning!"

Lucia. It was Lucia. That didn't surprise her as much as she thought it would, the vague memories of dozing off on the sofa last night coming back and easing the panic trying to rise in her chest ever so slightly. She was safe, it was just Lucia.

The ease quickly turned into embarrassment as everything slotted into place. How easy it had been to fall into Lucia's company, how she'd allowed herself a break from the stress of her life to just sit and listen and watch as the woman ranted about whatever they'd watched last night. She felt her face warm, her heart start to beat, but not in a way that brought anxiety, it was something else this time.

Amelia stood up. "Good morning", she muttered. And then a quick, barely a whisper, "Sorry", as she scurried off back to the seclusion of her room, shutting the door to Lucia's bemused expression, still leaning back on the sofa.

She started quick, fervent pacing as she tried to calm her body down from...whatever that had been.

It had been nice to have someone so close to her, to feel their warmth, the faint beating of their heart under her ear. She'd only ever had that with Salix, and sharing it with someone else felt new and scary but also so, so exciting. There was just something about Lucia that drew her closer, and she felt as if fighting it was futile at this point, why not lean into it?

Still, that had been entirely too much for her right now. She'd let her guard down last night, and it'd felt nice, but she didn't want to make it a recurring thing, not yet. She needed to rest, let herself get better, put her life back on track so she didn't have to keep relying on Salix and Lucia, and then she'd figure out everything else.

***

Things continued on as slowly as they had before, the night of Halloween slowly fading into the background as the days went on.

Salix had been busy juggling their job in the city over and working with Amelia to finally sort out the shit going on at her apartment. She felt bad to have made them take on so much, but they always shrugged off her concerns with a smile, as if they didn't have a care in the world.

"Of course I'm gonna help you" they'd say, nudging Amelia, "I'm not gonna make you deal with all of this alone".

She should've been left to deal with it all alone- she'd been the one to get into this mess in the first place. But saying such things would get her nowhere, Sal would just brush it off, offer to make that phone call for her, offer to head round her apartment to clear up the rest of the trash she'd been too sick to even realise had been accumulating there in the first place.

When the heating had been fixed and the mould scrubbed off her walls, she really needed to sort out what little remnants of her life she had left.

"What did I do to deserve you" she'd reply tiredly, leaning into their shoulder, closing her eyes.

And Salix would chuckle, a small rise and fall of their shoulders. "You never needed to do anything, Amelia".

It left her head spinning how little she had to give to get so much from Salix. It had been like that for so long now that she thought about it- even as kids, what had she given them to deserve such loyalty? She knew she hadn't been the most pleasant person to be around, she still didn't consider herself as such, so then what else could it be?

She had no idea. She had no idea why Salix still hung around.

That didn't stop the little burst of gratefulness that sprung upon her chest when they told her they'd finally got in contact with maintenance, finally made an appointment for someone to come round and check on the heating problem.

Maybe soon she could finally get out of their way and go back to her own apartment.

There was just one...problem.

"I um-" Amelia cleared her throat, tapped her finger against her mug of coffee, "I still have some uh. Weed. In the apartment. That I'd rather not have any cleaners find...if you could maybe. Bring it back here?"

It sounded more like a plea- it had been far too long since she'd had a smoke and at this point the desperation was starting to sink in. Maybe if she asked for it point blank Salix would put her out of her misery.

They looked down at her, unreadable expression on their face. Taking a sip of their drink they pondered on her words. It was enough of a pause to make Amelia fidget, scared she might've said something wrong, scared they might stop caring after seeing how desperate she was.

"Where is it?" they asked.

"Bedside table" she knew her hiding place well. Her hands were shaking, almost in anticipation. "At the back of the top drawer".

They nodded and said nothing more.

***

The next time Salix had enough time to head over to her apartment, Amelia was pacing in the living room waiting for their return.

She'd been feeling a lot less tired lately, the tightness in her chest felt less intense and the fever she'd had for what felt like weeks now was slowly going. She actually felt half decent, and she could tell that Salix was pleased with her slow but steady recovery. Perhaps that meant they'd be a little more...lenient on her smoking.

It had been a while since she'd snuck a cigarette on the fire escape, her past few attempts at finding her old stash had been futile and she was trying to ignore the lasting withdrawal symptoms, chalking them to the last traces of sickness rather than what she knew them to be. It wasn't like it was a big deal or anything. She could handle it.

The faint noise of a key slotting into place made her jump and turn towards the door. Her heartbeat picked up in excitement, rubbing her clammy hands up and down her joggers, wanting to give herself something to do, wanting to get out the last of this energy before the door was opened.

The door opened.

Lucia stepped in and her excitement was squashed ever so slightly. It wasn't like she wasn't happy to see Lucia, she was just...expecting something else.

"What's got you up and about?" Lucia raised a brow, turning to lock the door behind her and move to fall down onto the sofa. She ran a hand down her face, propping up her chin on the arm of the sofa to watch Amelia continue to pace.

"Oh just- feeling better, I guess".

"That's good!" Lucia made a pleased noise in the back of her throat, soft smile on her face. It made Amelia feel bad for how desperate she was to get back into old habits. To not fully tell her the truth. But she couldn't stand making Lucia's smile drop, the light draining from her eyes, being replaced with disappointment, something she'd seen so much of already. Letting Lucia down felt like the end of the world.

She paced a few more rounds on the carpet before sitting next to Lucia, trying not to fidget. It was hard to sit still around Lucia, she felt weirdly self-conscious whenever she was around her. Sometimes it felt like Lucia was analysing her movements, making judgements she couldn't even begin to comprehend, like she was secretly judging her somehow. Like she was coming up with conclusions that scared Amelia.

That wasn't true, though. This wasn't the case and she knew it. This was just paranoia from her past. She'd been hurt so many times that this felt almost too good to be true.

She needed to calm the fuck down. Her hands clenched into fists to stop them from moving, from messing with the hem of her shirt or the thin, scuffed material near the knee of her joggers that desperately needed to be fixed before it tore.

Lucia was deceptively quiet, though there was a calculating look in her eyes. She stretched out her long legs, the tips of her boots tapping against one another as her feet shook with the effort of the stretch. Lucia sighed deeply through her nose before sitting up and beginning to undo her laces. It seemed as if she were done for the day, having spent most of the morning running errands and talking to Eda.

Being alone in the apartment for a few hours at a time had become the norm- it wasn't like she'd never been alone before but it always felt...off being there without the presence of Lucia or Sal. She often used this time to rest or shower, saving her energy for when she had company so she could sit in the living room with them for dinner, or help cook or just hang out. It was getting a lot easier to be around the both of them, both in terms of her getting better and getting used to spending time with people as frequently as she was.

It was almost with practised ease that Lucia stood up, moving to put her shoes down by the door and offering to fix up a snack or drink for Amelia while she was up.

Amelia found herself loitering around the kitchen, peeking over Lucia's shoulder as she made drinks, making light conversation as they moved around each other as if they'd lived in the same space for as long as they could remember. It felt normal to be around Lucia and she knew that as much as she wanted her own space back, it was going to be hard to transition back into the cold, stale loneliness of her own apartment.

When Salix finally made it back, Amelia had almost forgotten why she'd been waiting in the first place. The door opened and shut and she barely heard it, too focused on Lucia Lucia Lucia to even notice they were there.

She didn't ask about the weed, and they didn't say anything.

***

Her rent was due.

"It's not that big a deal".

"You have money saved, right?"

It was. She did. Even if she hadn't been working, she had what little money she'd gotten last month before she'd gotten sick but it wasn't nearly enough. Almost all her money went to rent and groceries and cigarettes these days, and what little groceries she'd gotten had all rotted in her fridge long, long ago.

"Amelia-"

She was terrified. If she got evicted...then what? She couldn't live with Lucia and Salix, they barely had enough space for three people as it was. But what else could she do?

Live with Lilith....?

No, she wouldn't put Lilith through that again.

She didn't want pity. It was her fault for getting sick in the first place. Dumb mistakes that could've been avoided stacking up, and whenever she thought she was getting better, the stacks falling down around her, they rebuilt themselves stronger than ever. It was a cycle.

"AMELIA".

"What" she spat. Her arms ached, she'd been scratching them again without even noticing.

"It's not that big a deal" Salix repeated, gently moving their hands on top of her own.

It stung. Both their words and the warmth of their hands, an unpleasant sensation that made her move away. They didn't stop her, didn't move to continue touching her, but their eyes followed her movements.

Lucia was standing by the sofa at her side and it felt almost as if she were trapped in a corner, forced to come to reality with the fact that she could very soon lose everything she'd been working towards since she arrived in Bonesborough. Having her own apartment, her own space, had been something she treasured, and if that were to be taken away...

To say she was stressed was an understatement. She didn't mean to lash out, to sound so poisonous, but she'd been putting off thinking about rent and it had all bubbled up and over and now she was dealing with the consequences.

She'd never learned how to deal with stress in a constructive way, she'd only learned that it was justification to lash out, an excuse on the tip of her tongue to let loose some of the pent-up emotions she'd struggled to deal with as a kid.

It was dumb to think she'd grown out of it, even now.

"All I'm saying is" Sal continued, leaning back, "we can give you the money for this month-"

"No".

"Wait a second-"

"NO".

There was only so much she could handle getting help with. The heating problems, the mould, that was fine. But money was something she did not want. She didn't like owing people for their own generosity, it had taken a long, long time for her to accept money from Eda and even then she still felt guilty for taking it, like she didn't deserve it.

She especially didn't deserve it from Lucia and Salix. They'd had to put up with enough of her bullshit already.

"I don't need your help, I have it under control" Amelia bit out. "I'm feeling a lot better now, I'll just see how much I have saved and go back to work to get the rest".

Salix raised a brow, "I don't see why you can't see how much you have saved and we can cover the rest".

"Because I don't want you to!" she growled "I'm tired I'm going to bed".

She didn't wait for a reply before standing up and leaving.

It was early evening, long before she'd ever excuse herself for bed, but she was frustrated and upset and she needed time to cool off and think things through rationally.

Salix was just trying to help. But she didn't want the help. She knew she was blowing things out of proportion, perhaps more than she usually would, but this wasn't something she wanted to budge on. She really, really didn't want to become a charity case just because she'd gotten sick over something so preventable.

Pulling at her hair, grumbling to herself as she started to pace, her bare feet sinking into the plush carpet. The pressure building at her roots from the short, sharp tugs was grounding, the pain was familiar. It felt like home- a home she had not thought about for a very long time, but home nonetheless.

If this was any other situation her solution would be to get catastrophically high and pass out, stopping her brain from worrying about the problem at hand in favour of forgetting where she even was. But Salix had not given her the weed back, and she had not smoked in far too long.

Perhaps that was adding to her frustration. She just felt so...stuck. Living without the crutch she'd had for so long was difficult, it was like she could barely function. Which. Wasn't a good thing, but she didn't even care at this point.

Instead of getting high she stewed and rotted grumpily in her bed with the duvet pulled up over her head, a small opening for air was the only contact with the outside world. It was warm and dark in her room, as the evening went on and the sky grew darker so did her room until all she could make out were the shadows of the desk and windows on the other side of the bed.

There was a soft knock on the door after an indeterminate amount of time. She froze but didn't open her mouth to speak. She didn't think she was ready to talk to anyone right now.

The door opened. 

Amelia was about to turn around and snap at whoever had come in when they spoke, so softly it was barely a whisper.

It was Lucia.

"Are you awake?" she asked.

"Yeah," Amelia couldn't help but answer.

"Can I come in?"

Amelia huffed, "You already opened the door".

"You know what I mean".

She hummed in an approximation of confirmation and heard Lucia close the door gently behind her, taking perch on the desk chair.

"Close your eyes for a sec, I'm gonna turn on the lamp, okay?"

The golden glow lit up the room and Amelia groaned and rubbed her eyes, dazed. She pulled the covers down from her face and turned to glare at Lucia.

Lucia looked amused, the light of the lamp bathing her face in a pretty bronze colour. Her eyes were bright, almost red, dazzlingly so. She couldn't help but stare, almost mesmerised by the colours. And suddenly, she forgot what she'd even been annoyed about in the first place.

At least, until Lucia opened her mouth.

"So...about earlier..."

"What about it" Amelia turned back to bury her head in her pillow, ears red.

"I just- I get where you're coming from. I've spent most of my life being a stubborn motherfucker, I know first-hand how hard it can be to ask for support. Especially when it comes to money. But I promise you that if it comes to that, and we do need to help you, it won't be the end of the world".

"Mmmmhn". She did not want to talk about this.

"I'm not here to convince you to let us give you money or anything. I just wanted to let you know that it's okay and I understand and if you want I can call up Lilith and we can work together to ease you back into work if that's what you wanna do".

"But don't you want me to stay here and rest" Amelia's words tasted bitter on her tongue. She'd heard that far too often now, she was almost sick of it.

There was a creak as Lucia leaned back on the chair. "I've been watching your progress and I think you'd be okay if you went back at least part time. Probably not the hours you used to take, not yet, but enough that you don't have to sit around all day" A pause, "and...I guess I've been missing you when I go see Eda for work. It's not the same without you glaring at me from across the mall".

Amelia felt her face warm even further.

"What does Salix think?" she asked, voice muffled.

"Salix is worried about you" a sigh, "but they just want what's best for you. And if this is what you want, then they'll help in any way they can".

"I do want this".

"Alright. I'll call Lilith up tomorrow morning. Sound good?"

She nodded, still not uncovering her face.

"Thanks".

"You don't need to thank me. Just...communicate with us, okay? Don't hide away. We can get this sorted in a way that makes all of us happy if we just talk".

"I know. I'm sorry".

"Don't apologise either" Lucia tsked, "Get some sleep and I'll talk to you more tomorrow".

"Goodnight".

"Night. We care about you Amelia, don't forget that".

The door shut.

***

Her rent was due and she was still undeniably stressed about it, but this time everything felt a little lighter.

The bathroom was filled with steam as she stepped out of the shower, grabbing blindly for her towel. She'd probably get annoyed groans from the others for using up so much hot water but she didn't care, it felt like she was finally putting effort into actually cleaning herself since she got here and by god did it feel good. It felt refreshing, the grease that had built up in her skin and hair had finally been scrubbed away and she felt almost like an entirely different person.

It didn't stop the weight in her chest, the stress that sat there, the anxiety of the day ahead, but it drove her forward nonetheless. 

Making quick work of drying herself, she grabbed her fresh change of clothes, finally wearing something other than the usual joggers or shorts she wore around the apartment, instead stepping into her jeans and whatever random clean shirt she'd picked up from her room.

It...felt big. Perhaps too big. And as she wiped condensation off the mirror she realised that it was not, in fact, one of her own shirts.

She froze, wondering if she could scurry out of the bathroom to change before the others noticed she'd mixed up Lucia's laundry with her own. But something stopped her. With a tentative hand, she held the collar of the shirt, soft under her fingertips, and lifted it to her nose.

It smelt like Lucia. Intimately so. It made her heart lurch.

She dropped the collar and adjusted it so it sat as properly as it could on her neck. It was warm and soft and..she supposed no one would mind if she pulled a hoodie on over it and slipped out of the apartment wearing it, right?

Right.

Amelia wasn't sure what overcame her to think such thoughts, but she let herself think them, because it was helping with her anxiety. Having a piece of a good friend so close to her would help her, that was all. She ran a hand through her damp hair, glowering at the putrid colour the washed-out dye had made it, how some of the colour had returned to her face at the very least, a sign that she was getting better.

She left the bathroom with dirty laundry in her arms and her towel draped over her shoulder, hiding the front of the shirt long enough for her to get back to her room and find a hoodie. She felt like some sort of petty criminal, doing things she knew she wasn't supposed to, even if deep down she knew Lucia wouldn't care either way.

Maybe that was why it felt so exciting.

What if Lucia saw, what if she liked the fact Amelia was wearing one of her shirts?

Amelia dismissed the thought immediately and pulled the hoodie over her head, grabbing her jacket and exiting back into the living room.

It was technically her first day back at work since she'd fainted and her chest pricked in anticipation for the day ahead. She was almost excited to get back into the mindless drone of sitting behind the counter at Claire's and passing the time away by daydreaming because it was at least something else to do after staying inside the apartment for so long. She wouldn't have her usual smokes but she supposed that was fine for now. Perhaps she could get some cigarettes on her break...

Lots to consider.

She wasn't one hundred percent better, but she was definitely getting there. Things were perhaps even starting to look up, she'd dare say.

It really only counted on what Lilith would say to her. Because it had been a long time since she'd seen the woman, and that was the cause of most of her anxiety at the moment.

She had a lot to say. A lot to own up for. But she needed to know Lilith wanted her back working and wasn't angry at her for leaving so abruptly before she talked to her.

"Ready to go?" Lucia asked, popping out from the kitchen and making Amelia jump. She'd offered to walk with her to the mall and give her a little bit of company in an attempt to quell her nerves, and who was Amelia to say no to that?

Lucia's company had always hit differently, even back when she hadn't wanted anything to do with her. It felt almost nostalgic to leave the apartment and walk down to the mall with her. To stop just as they arrived at Claire's so Lucia could adjust the jacket on her shoulders and give her arm a reassuring pat and a promise to find her during her lunch break before disappearing, leaving Amelia's head reeling at the sensations of her touch.

She took in a deep breath, focusing on the warm patches of sensation on her arms where Lucia's hands had once been. And finally, she walked into Claire's.

Notes:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! im back on that claire's au grind!!! 2024 the year of amelia lets goooooo

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 22

It takes you a long time to go back to the mall after that- the initial shock wearing off into a deep-rooted paranoia that you've finally been caught, you're finally being sent back to your mother. You find a dry little corner of town to sit and wait for your demise, for the woman to come back with police to take you away. You're not even sure how you've lasted this long, how long you'll last after this, but you suppose this is probably a nicer way to die than by your own mother's hands.

You've started to fear that that would've happened eventually. Your arguments had been escalating at an alarming pace, the cuts on your arms, battle wounds, are still visible, scarred over, thick pink lines mar your skin. 

It could've been worse, you used to tell yourself as you hid away in your room and took out your little DIY first aid kit from under your bed. She could've killed you that time.

The paranoia and fear have never left you and you aren't sure they ever will, cut so deep into your being that it's a part of you now.

This town feels small, safe, but in a way that still has you on edge. If someone else recognises you, and sees you here all alone, dirty, hungry, they might want to do something about it. And that just cannot do.

You find yourself hovering around the edge of town for a few weeks, getting by the best you can, slinking in the shadows, swiping food from nearby stores. It's been tough, but you expected as much. Your life had never been easy and this was just one more challenge for you to get around.

You're used to the hunger, your mother had often used food as a punishment, taking it away from you whenever you misbehaved, locking you in your room with no dinner was common, but you didn't care much. What mattered the most was if your siblings were getting fed, and if most of the attention was on you, that meant that most of the blame fell onto you.

It didn't help when the nights grew colder- you barely had enough to keep you warm, and finding somewhere to sleep was beginning to get harder. You spent many nights awake shivering in the dark, waiting for someone to find you, or maybe even for the cold to finally take you.

During this time you had a lot of time to think. Possibly too much- with little else to do other than survive another day, you often found yourself reflecting on what your life had become, for better and for worse. You knew that running away had been for the best, but you couldn't help but fear for what you'd left behind. Your siblings- if your mother had turned to them like she had turned to you...you'd never forgive yourself. You knew it was unlikely you'd ever see them again, and could only hope that they had good memories of you that'd last them til they too could finally get away from your parents.

Salix would look after them the best they could, you'd tell yourself. But even then, Sal didn't know the full context of the situation.

They couldn't know. They couldn't get wrapped into all...that.

You supposed it was too late to worry about that now. But there was always an underlying guilt about the people you left behind who had actually cared about you.

They'd be better off without you, though. This had been bound to happen. You could only hope that they'd forget about you quickly.

***

Claire's was quiet, which was pretty usual this time of day since it was still early, but as Amelia stepped inside and looked around, she found that the store was empty. It looked pretty much untouched since she last saw it, everything was where it should be. 

A weird sense of nostalgia passed over Amelia as she walked up to the counter, running her hands over wood she'd gauged marks into on slow, boring days working behind it. There were memories held in those marks, ones that crept to the forefront of her brain all at once, and suddenly she was overcome with emotion. Though what emotion, she couldn't tell.

Her hands slid off the counter and fell limp by her sides. She breathed in sharply through her nose, blunt nails digging into the skin of her palm in an attempt to ground her. Fuck. She needed a smoke bad.

First things first, find Lilith, her brain reminded her. She nodded to herself and spun around to check the backroom.

The door felt too heavy in her hands as she twisted the handle and pushed it open. It was almost as if she were shaking with the effort of opening it, the way a rush of cold air hit her at once as the room was revealed almost made her reel back and flinch, but she persisted.

What the fuck was wrong with her this time? She needed to get over herself.

It felt strange to be back here after so long. Weird to see the room that had initially started her...relationship with Lucia. She'd been so guarded back then, mind too clouded to see the opportunity presented in front of her.

Amelia scoffed quietly to herself as the door swung shut behind her. What was she even saying?? Pretending like she was an entirely different person now. This was so dumb. 

Shrugging off her jacket to hang on a hook nearby, she was too preoccupied to notice the other person standing further in the room until-

"Amelia!"

She looked up, hands going still from their raised position, holding her jacket up. Like a deer caught in headlights, she turned to look at Lilith.

The woman looked pleased to see her, possibly even relieved. Her hair was swooped back over one shoulder, the faint fuzzy red colour at her roots told Amelia that she hadn't dyed her hair in a while. She looked older than Amelia remembered, tired in a way that made her shoulders sag, dark rings under her eyes.

"I'm so glad you're okay" Her voice was soft, it held an emotion in it that made Amelia's heart clench.

Lilith cleared the room in three strides, right over to where Amelia was standing, still frozen. She tilted her head down to observe her and Amelia let her, she didn't know what to do. How to act.

She made a noise of confusion as Lilith pulled her into a hug, arms wrapping around her back, head tucked into her chest in a comforting way that made Amelia's lip wobble traitorously.

A feeling of warmth enveloped her. But this time it felt nothing like getting hugged by Lucia, or even Salix. This one held emotions Amelia dared not focus on. Instead, she raised her shaky hands, and hugged Lilith back.

***

Your hands shook as you raised the bottle of booze to your lips and took another sip. It was two quarters empty and your head felt light, lagging with every movement as you sat and stewed in your little corner of town. Acquiring it had been a lucky break, you'd managed to smuggle it out of the local grocery store as well as some more food that'd hopefully last you the next week or so. It wasn't much, it never was, but it was enough.

Taking another swig, jaw tightening as the burning liquid went down your throat. It felt good, it filled the little craving in the back of your mind, the feelings you'd been refusing to acknowledge. Your throat craved for a cigarette, but unfortunately, those were much, much harder to smuggle out. You took what you could get.

It was growing dark, evening just around the corner and it was getting cold. The booze helped warm you up a fraction, but you knew that as soon as the streetlamps turned on the temperature would drop, conditioning you to another in a row of sleepless nights.

Your breaths came out short and sharp, you could see them as you panted, swallowing down bile trying to rise up your throat. You stood up, swaying, knocking your shoulder against the wall in your attempt to balance. Your limbs felt cold and staticky with misuse.

That morning you'd found yourself back at the mall, curiosity, possibly even hope for a warm, dry place to stay out of prying eyes, bringing you back there. It was the only place in town that you knew was good shelter from the cold weather, and though you were still scared of being caught by someone, you knew you wouldn't last long if you kept this up.

Spending the morning inspecting the mall had brought you up and around the back of the winding car park, where not many people seemed to go. There was a little overhang above what you assumed was a fire exit, down a small alleyway that was sheltered enough that you figured you could set up camp there for a bit. Near the alley were trash bins and dumpsters, which were probably emptied regularly, but if you timed everything right, you could get there unnoticed.

It'd been so, so long since you'd gotten a good night's sleep. You were desperate.

It was hard to put one foot in front of the other in your current state, but fuelled by liquid courage, you hiked your bag over your shoulder and started walking towards the mall.

You swayed, you stumbled off the curb, and you were sure you were getting more than a few looks, but you didn't care. It was hard to care about anything, let alone yourself.

Misery welled up inside you, threatening to spill up and over, into your lungs. You wanted to scream out, to cry, to...to be held in a way you'd never had before. You craved human touch, that was your weakness. But you feared it too, it left you breathless, it left you terrified.

You growled, blinking back tears, angrily wiping your face and slogging back the bottle. You hated feeling like this, the livewire of your emotions had always been worse when you drank. You hated feeling, but it also comforted you in a way. It made you feel human.

It was getting darker and you could see the faint lights of the mall in the distance. Relief washed over you, your eyes struggling to focus as you looked for cars and then crossed the road.

Unfortunately, you didn't see the car heading straight towards you.

***

There were words left unsaid. Words Amelia couldn't even begin to utter, because she knew that if she did the dam would break. She had so much she wanted to say to Lilith, an apology on her tongue, but she couldn't. She couldn't say anything.

An apology wouldn't fix years of resentment and hostility.

Lilith let go, pulling back with her hands still on Amelia's shoulders.

"I've already set everything up, I'll come get you in a few hours for your break, okay?"

Amelia nodded, still unable to find words.

The older woman squeezed her shoulders, leaving them tingling in a feeling that was not unpleasant, her eyes lingering on Amelia for a few seconds longer before she stepped back and turned around.

Amelia's head was reeling, she nodded stiffly to herself before hanging her jacket up and stepping back out into the store. She sat down behind the counter and stared out into the mall, feeling dazed.

At least Lilith hadn't been angry at her. At least she was still willing to let Amelia keep working at the mall. If she'd been fired then...she had no idea what she'd do.

But that had never been something she'd had to worry about- not when she knew Lilith had been asking about her ever since she'd first fainted.

It was hard to come to terms with the fact that Lilith cared about her, even after everything.

From across the mall, Lucia was hanging stuff up on the discount clothing rack, muttering to herself as she worked. Her methodical movements lulled Amelia into a strange sense of calmness, and when the other woman finally noticed she was looking and turned towards her, she couldn't help the involuntary smile that pulled her lips upwards.

Lucia's eyes lit up at the sight of the smile, beaming at Amelia, excitement evident in her posture. She was glad that things had gone back to relative normality after how stressful the last month or so of her life had been.

It felt like she'd finally gotten her independence back, it felt like she could finally continue living her life. Though, this time, she had things to work towards instead of the same mundane monotony she'd grown used to over the years.

This was exciting!! She felt excited!

The morning went on slowly, which was normal. It seemed as if nothing had changed, it was the same small trickle of people going through the mall, barely any even stopping to glance at Claire's. Amelia found herself falling into the familiar routine, feeling satisfied now that she was finally back.

She sat behind the counter and traced over every little dip and crevice in the old wood, ones that had been there long before she'd even set foot in Bonesborough, and some she had made herself in boredom. Tiny scratch marks, nail polish stains, leftover discount stickers she'd stuck to the bottom of the counter instead of throwing away.

By the time afternoon rolled around, she'd found herself in a pleasant daze, not really paying attention to much outside of her little bubble of thoughts, and the occasional appearance from Lucia as they worked in tandem in their respective stores.

She could barely even remember why she was trying to hate Lucia in the first place at this point. Whenever she came into view, looked over and smiled at her, Amelia's breath caught in her throat, her heart beat faster, she felt her face warming up.

Lucia was watching the store when Lilith came back and excused Amelia. She immediately ran further into Hot Topic and appeared a few moments later before Amelia could take Lilith's advice and go find some food.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked.

"Sure" Amelia replied, letting Lucia fall into step with her. It felt easy, like they'd done this a million times already.

Lucia immediately started up a conversation, ranting about annoying customers and whatever shenanigans Eda had put her up to. It was fascinating watching her talk, especially out in public, where people could see her enthusiastic hand movements, her facial expressions. Lucia was absolutely shameless in her actions, she didn't care what other people thought about her.

"They're just strangers" Lucia shrugged when Amelia brought it up, "I'm never gonna see or interact with them again, so why bother worrying about what they think".

Amelia wished it was that simple.

It was hard to wrap her head around how at ease Lucia was around everyone, strangers and friends alike. The mall itself for always very overwhelming for Amelia, her only moments of respite being when she slunk out back for a smoke. The overhead lights always burned her eyes, the constant tinny music gave her a headache and she often left every shift on the precipice of a migraine. It was one of the things she hadn't missed about her job, and even now that she was getting back on her feet, she could tell that she needed to go somewhere quieter.

The mall always grew louder during lunchtime, people often came there during their breaks from work to get something to eat, or refill a coffee. Amelia hated it and often tried to grab something as fast as she could so she could disappear into the backroom and eat it in peace. Though, when she was with Lucia she felt that everything was a little less overwhelming.

Well, only a little. It was starting to get pretty bad.

"Do you have your headphones?" Lucia asked when she noticed Amelia lagging behind.

"No..." shit she knew she'd forgotten something. She'd never walked to work without them on, Lucia's company this morning had thrown her off her usual routine.

Lucia looked contemplative, her dark eyes flicking around the mall. Amelia started picking at the skin around her nails.

"Want me to grab us some food and I'll meet you in the backroom?" she offered.

"You're not allowed in the Claire's backroom" Amelia blurted instinctively.

"Can you make an exception for me?" the lilt of Lucia's voice...it did something to her.

Amelia huffed and looked away. "Okay. Whatever" and then, "I don't mind paying-"

Lucia cut her off, "I'm paying, okay? At least let me do this for you".

"You've already done so much..."

"And I'd do everything all over again if I had to".

The sincerity of the statement made Amelia look up into Lucia's eyes. There was something between them- a thread being pulled, tugging Amelia closer to Lucia, making her heart stutter in her chest. Because she knew Lucia was telling the truth and no matter what, she still couldn't wrap her brain around why.

She swallowed and stared down at her boots. "Uh, okay. Thanks". She didn't know what to say.

They split up and Amelia trudged back to Claire's as Lucia disappeared into the crowd.

Amelia kept her head down, walking as fast as she could to get out of the swarm of people all around her. When she arrived back at Claire's, Lilith was at the counter, trying to arrange one of the displays by the till. She glanced at the movement from within the store and smiled when she noticed it was Amelia.

Should she...say something about Lucia? Did she even like Lucia? Would she be mad if Amelia let her into the backroom?

Maybe she should've thought this through....

"Have you eaten yet?" Lilith's voice jolted her back into the present.

"Oh uh, not yet. Lucia's picking up something for me and we're gonna eat...in the backroom" She jabbed a thumb at the door as if Lilith wasn't intimately aware of where it was. "If that's okay with you" she added quickly.

"Of course" There was something in Lilith's expression that was making Amelia nervous.

"Okthanksbye!"

She shot off into the backroom and shut the door behind her, leaning back onto it and sighing. That had felt far too revealing. Having other people know that she...liked Lucia. That she..perhaps even considered her a friend. It felt weird. It felt like she didn't have a choice but to be open about it.

Lilith had looked pleased though, so that was something. She was probably just happy to see Amelia interacting with other people in a positive light considering how much time she'd spent in isolation.

She sat down, sinking into the sofa and stared down at her hands. It'd been a while since she'd painted her nails, being too sick to top up her usual black polish. It was chipped, mostly gone save for a few pieces hanging on for dear life. Maybe she'd swipe something from the counter on her way out so she could repaint them back at the apartment.

It didn't take long for Lucia to come back with two paper bags in one hand and coffee in the other. She set them down on the floor before flopping onto the sofa next to Amelia and stretching each tired limb with a yawn.

Amelia half wanted to ask if Lilith had said anything as Lucia had passed into the backroom but stopped herself. Stressing over what Lilith thought would get her nowhere, now was not the time to spiral when she had food and coffee in front of her.

Lucia handed her one of the bags and watched as she opened it and produced a little wrapped sandwich and a croissant. Her eyes sparkled, a hopeful glint in them.

"I wasn't sure what you like so I got you something safe" she explained. "But if you don't like it I can get you something else".

That was...so nice. Not that Amelia would ever take up that offer- Lucia had already bought her lunch, she wasn't going to make her spend even more money on her, but the sentiment still made her heart warm. She unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite. It was toasted, freshly made and warm. Perfect.

"This is good!!" she spoke around her mouthful.

Lucia lit up, proud she'd found something that met Amelia's tastes. She preened as she opened her own sandwich and started eating it with fervour, tapping her feet on the floor happily.

The action was just- so cute. It was cute and Amelia had no idea what to do about it.

So she began to eat too, because if she was eating she wouldn't be able to talk, and if she was concentrating on her sandwich, then she wouldn't have to worry about looking at Lucia.

The perfect plan.

Until her food had gone.

She was lucky Lucia could lead a conversation so easily, because otherwise she probably would've bolted if the awkward silence had stretched on for any longer. Not that it was awkward per se, she knew it was all in her head, but sometimes her body wouldn't listen to her brain.

What the fuck was she even thinking right now???

Calm down. It was only Lucia. Nothing to panic about.

Lucia, Lucia, Lucia. It was all she could think about. It was consuming her, it made her feel so many emotions at once that they were hard to sift through.

Salix had been her one constant in life up until she'd run away. And she'd associated them with these feelings for a while when she'd been younger, so it was probably just that. She was happy to have someone else looking out for her is all. Salix would've offered to buy her lunch and swap it out if she didn't like it, so how was this any different?

It wasn't. Now shut up and listen to Lucia.

***

Lilith hadn't wanted her to work a full shift on her first day back so she found herself clocking out a few hours into the afternoon, stretching her aching legs from their position sitting under the counter and stepping out into the mall proper.

It had quietened down significantly since the lunch rush, which she was grateful for. She loitered outside Hot Topic, waiting for Lucia, pacing back and forth across the front of the store as her mind went a mile a minute.

She felt anxious and fidgety, she hated waiting, hated staying still when she had places to be. The warm bed in the apartment was calling to her, begging her to lay down and nap, but she didn't have a key so she had to wait for Lucia.

"Hey kid, stop pacing over there!"

Amelia jumped at the voice, her head turned to make eye contact with Eda.

"Lucia will be out in a second, she's just cleaning up".

That was reassuring. Amelia nodded in silent thanks, looked around, hesitated, then scampered up to Eda.

"Hey," she said, stuffing her hands in her pockets so the older woman couldn't see her anxious picking".

"Have a good first day back?"

Amelia nodded, "It was alright. Um. Do you think you could get me some more...cigarettes".

Eda raised a brow, "Aren't you still sick?"

"No, I- I'm fine now. Just. Please?"

"Don't you think you should give your lungs a little bit more of a break?"

Amelia frowned, scowling at the floor. "It's hard".

"I know it is, kid. But I don't want to make it worse if I give you anything".

"I'm" she swallowed nervously, "I'm having. Withdrawals..."

The tremors hadn't been as bad as they once were, but they were still there. Her throat still felt dry and scratchy and she still ached for the sensation of pulling a drag out of a cigarette. The feeling of smoke going down her throat, blowing it out through her nose.

Eda's eyes hardened. She sighed tiredly and then nodded.

"Fine, I'll give you a little bit" she agreed quietly. "Come see me tomorrow".

"Thank you," Amelia could almost sob with joy. With relief. "Thank you so much".

Eda waved her away dismissively as Lucia appeared from the back of the store.

Amelia didn't mention her conversation with Eda on the way back to the apartment, and Lucia didn't pry.

Notes:

happy 100k..... oh god it happened again

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 23

Amelia's relationship with Eda had always been...strange, she supposed was a good word. It had never been as strained as it was with Lilith, but that didn't mean Amelia had been any nicer to her than she had with her sister.

Still, it felt like Eda understood her better than most other adults did, even she could see that way back when she'd been an angry teen. She'd spent a lot of time ignoring it, because thinking about it made her scared. An adult who seemed interested in her growth as a person, who wanted to protect her, it wasn't something she had ever experienced. It made her paranoid and distrustful.

It had taken her a long time to trust Lilith and Eda, even under their care. It had taken her weeks to even start talking to them more than a few words every day, to eat more than a few bites of food when she was given it. 

She'd grown ill because of it, on top of injuries. And when she finally got better with the combined help of the sisters and was able to move out on her own, she had decided that maybe she could give them a chance. It hadn't been much, she'd never opened up to either of them, but it had been enough. She saw the difference in her life, and even if she wasn't happy, or okay mentally, it had helped her get through each day.

History has a funny way of repeating itself, apparently.

Eda Clawthorne was an enigma to most, but Amelia had been around her long enough to get a good understanding of how the woman worked. She had intimate knowledge of Bonesborough, having lived there longer than Amelia had been alive, and she had tried to teach Amelia all she knew, because she understood that being out there all alone wasn't good, and she needed someone she could fall back on.

Lilith had been more strict, nervous about letting Amelia roam. It had caused Amelia to grow resentful, it had made her want to do things that'd piss her off, just like she'd done with her mother as a kid. It had almost made her fall back into old habits.

But Lilith never fell for the bait. Never raised her voice, or her hand at Amelia. It made Amelia lash out, some sick sense of want for arguments to start, for what she had known her entire life up until that point. And when Lilith didn't give it to her, she started to grow distant, unsure of her place in Lilith's apartment, unsure if she was even deserving of what she'd been given.

It'd been tough, but she'd gotten through it. She'd gotten through a lot.

"Here you go, kid".

Amelia blinked and looked up at Eda, trying to shake away the lingering thoughts and emotions of the past.

Eda had kept her word about giving her the weed. The feeling of the little baggie in her hands brought with it a deep sense of relief and comfort. Her limbs were itching to go find a place to roll a blunt and finally get high but unfortunately, she still needed to work.

It was early in the morning, she'd offered to open the store for Lilith to give her some extra time to talk to Eda and get what she needed. Lucia would be arriving later in the day- she'd gotten a lift down to the mall by Salix this time.

The car ride had been pretty quiet for the most part, not because it was awkward but because they were both still waking up. Amelia hadn't gotten a good sleep the night before and the shower she'd forced herself to have hadn't woken her up as she'd hoped it would. Getting high right now would make it worse, so she shot Eda a quick thanks before scurrying across the mall to Claire's to begin opening the store.

This routine was almost achingly familiar. Pulling up the grate, propping the door open and fixing the stands. Throwing her stuff into the backroom, making sure the weed was secured in a pocket, and sitting behind the counter as people began to trickle into the mall.

She almost dozed off a few times as the hours ticked by, before Lucia appeared holding a blessed coffee in her hand, which she passed over to Amelia before leaning on the counter.

"You didn't have to get me this" Amelia mumbled, wrapping her hands around the drink and taking the lid off so it cooled down faster.

Lucia shrugged, looking away, "can't I do something nice for a friend?"

The sentiment made Amelia's heart warm, she wasn't sure what she had done to deserve this but she certainly wasn't complaining. The sharp, bitter taste of the coffee drowned out the ache in the back of her eyes quite nicely, and Lucia's company was always a welcomed change from the monotony of the workday.

Today it seemed she had time to loiter, which was fine because no one had come into the store for the last hour anyways and Amelia was getting bored. She watched Lucia hop up to sit on the edge of the counter, precariously knocking over a display to the edge, almost toppling over onto the floor. Lucia gave her a sheepish look before righting it and shuffling a little further away, the wood creaking under her weight.

"Busy morning?"

Amelia scoffed, "No. It never is".

Lucia hummed, taking a sip of her coffee. Amelia watched her look down at her drink, then glance over to her out of the corner of her eye.

"Wanna try some of my drink? I don't think I've ever seen you drink anything with sugar in it".

"Are you trying to poison me?" Amelia narrowed her eyes.

Lucia smiled, huffing out a small laugh at the absurdity of Amelia's question. Amelia continued glaring.

"No, of course not. See?" she drank from her coffee before popping the lid off and handing it to Amelia. "Doesn't it smell good?"

The warm sugary scent of the coffee hit Amelia's nose and she couldn't deny that it didn't at least smell a little appealing.

"I don't wanna drink your backwash".

"I can pour some out for you if you want?"

She seemed insistent on this, like she really wanted Amelia to try her drink. Amelia wasn't sure why, but she did know she trusted Lucia. She was just being a pain in the ass for the sake of being a pain in the ass- and so she sighed softly through her nose and took the drink.

It was still warm, a pleasant feeling in her hands, the smell wafting from the coffee now that it was so close made her scrunch up her nose. Not in disgust, but the sheer amount of sugar that was surely in this thing was going to make her sick for sure. She already felt overwhelmed with the flavour.

Amelia only had one coffee order. An order she'd had for as long as she could remember- straight black coffee, nothing else. No milk. No sugar. She'd gotten used to the bitter flavour, it brought with it a sense of familiarity. She liked how easy it was to make, how easy it was to order. No way to fuck it up, simple steps to follow. She'd seen the way Lucia made coffee. The added steps, the heaped spoonful of sugar that went into every mug, the milk, the sound of the spoon clinking against porcelain that made her ears ring.

She brought the coffee to her lips and sipped tentatively.

Her face scrunched up at the explosion of flavour, nothing she'd ever experienced before, though not entirely in a good way. It was far too sweet, as she'd expected, with the underlying flavour of what she assumed must be hazelnut.

Lucia snickered, "not your thing?"

Amelia scowled as she handed it back to Lucia. "No" she stated bluntly, "too sweet".

The other woman opened her mouth and then shut it.

***

Amelia all but fell into the apartment once the door had been opened, needing desperately to get off her feet and lay down for a bit. She needed a nap and a smoke before she felt she could begin functioning again.

Lucia shut the door behind them and tossed her jacket over the arm of the sofa, sitting down to take off her boots. Amelia sat beside her and sighed, leaning back and staring at the ceiling.

"Tired?"

"Yeah," Amelia rubbed her eyes, "how do you always have so much energy?"

"I'm used to being on my feet all day" Lucia shrugged, "some say I have too much energy, so actually doing things helps a lot with that. I like being productive".

She could relate, at least a little bit. But when work got too much, too overwhelming, too overstimulating, she would shut down. This used to happen often when she'd first started working at the mall, and even before that when her mother would pester her about school. It wasn't something she could control, and she'd always felt like a freak because of it.

It wasn't normal. How she functioned wasn't normal.

Lucia was normal, she could go day to day without almost having a fucking breakdown over nothing every other second she was outside. Amelia was almost resentful for it, how easily Lucia had blended in with the people of Bonesborough.

"How do you do it?" Amelia mumbled, almost to herself. 

"Hm?"

"How do you deal with" she waved her hands around, unable to find the right words, "everything?"

Lucia put her boots to the side and turned to Amelia, bringing her legs up onto the sofa. "I don't" she smiled, though this time it looked worn out, weary. "I just put on a smile and try my best. It's all you can do, really".

She stood up and excused herself to the kitchen to make drinks, and Amelia was left wondering what exactly she'd just seen.

***

It's raining outside, the faint tapping against the windows makes you want to close your eyes and drift off forever. You're more exhausted than you've ever been, head drooping, eyes heavy, but the pain keeps you awake. The pain and the sound of pacing on sagging floorboards, of angry talking coming from the next room over. If you paid a little more attention, you could make out the words, but the brain fog makes it hard to do anything right now.

You're hurting all over, you're not even sure how you got here, the last couple hours going by in a blur of drunkenness and pain, the worst pain you've ever experienced. It feels like you can barely move, you've been laid out on a sofa, your legs propped up, feeling drowsy.

"WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE!?!?"

"I panicked, Lily!"

"Eda-"

"Can you just LISTEN TO ME??"

The voices raised and then died down, followed by more angry mumbling.

A sharp intake of breath. You blink slowly as the door opens, head lulling to the side as you watch the two figures step into the room. It takes a moment for your eyes to focus, struggling to sit up as one of the figures starts walking towards you.

Your shoulder pangs, it feels like it's been knocked out of your socket, and your muscles cramp. You clench your teeth, trying to bite back a grunt of pain, moving your aching legs into a sitting position as the lady standing next to you holds out her hands as if she wants to stop you. But there's hesitation there. Good. If she touches you, you're going to scream.

The drowsiness gives way to anger, frustration. You barely know what's going on, your head spins as you try and get your legs over the sofa, touching the floor. The woman springs into action as soon as you try and move your legs. Her touch is panicked, fast, and it makes you open your mouth in a snarl, trying to get the pins and needles of her touch away from you as fast as you can.

"Don't move" she's saying, "please, you're hurt, don't move".

"DON'T TOUCH ME" you scream, your breathing turns erratic as the hands grab you and pull you back onto the sofa. Your body aches all the way down to your bones, your shoulder hurts, your knee hurts, your head hurts. 

You're seconds away from begging when the woman pulls back and you're left breathless and cowering on the sofa, trying to control your breathing, trying to turn the panic back into anger. It's easier to be angry. It's easier to fight back.

But she's right. You're hurt. You can barely move without a jolt of pain going up your body. You're stuck and you don't know what to do and that's scary.

The woman is back in your periphery. She hands you something and it takes a few moments to realise it's a glass of water. You stare at it, throat feeling dry, but you can't bring yourself to take it. You don't trust her, your breathing is still uneven. You need to calm down before you do something stupid.

"Lily, we should move her to a room".

"I still think we should take her to the hospital...."

Shit. SHIT. NO. That can't happen.

"I'm fine" you gruff, trying not to let the panic seep into your tone. "I'm fine, let me leave and I'll be on my way".

"I'm not letting you go back to sleeping on the streets," said the other woman, further away.

Something clicks in your head. That voice...it feels familiar.

You raise your head, eyes focusing on a pair of blue eyes staring right back at you.

You black out.

***

Amelia woke up gasping for air, covered in sweat, the faint traces of pins and needles in her limbs.

Fuck, it'd been a while since she'd thought about...that.

It was still fairly light out, on the precipice of evening, which told her that she had only napped for a few hours. But it was enough, she felt as if she actually had a little energy now that she'd gotten the rest she'd needed.

Now was the perfect time to sneak a smoke, her body itched for it. A high was what she needed, especially after her nightmare...

She wasn't sure if she could call it that, but it had been a pretty horrible time in her life, and she didn't like to dwell on it.

Her jacket was slung up on a hook on the door, the weed still hidden within. She checked the pockets and found her lighter and some loose rolling paper and filters, a little scrunched up and covered in lint, but it'd do.

Getting to the fire escape to smoke could be a dangerous feat. She could hear people talking outside, the sound of footsteps going back and forth. Her room was still dark, it was unlikely she'd be checked up on til dinner, and it seemed as if that hadn't been started yet.

She had time, but she had to be sneaky about it.

Glancing around the room, she scampered over to the window and opened it as much as she could. The cold early evening breeze hit her and she shivered, moving back into the room to grab her jacket. She had some hoodies she needed to clean in a pile near her bed which she shoved under the door and hoped no one would notice if they passed by.

It wasn't perfect, but she hoped it'd be enough.

Her hands shook as she pulled her jacket on and sat on the floor by the window to roll a blunt. It had been a while, and she hadn't exactly been perfect at it before, but as long as she could smoke it she didn't care what it looked like. The cold breeze coming in blew her hair back from its half-tied state and as she finished rolling, she set the blunt down in her lap to tie it back up so it was out of her face.

Leaning on the window sill, looking down onto the streets below, a weird sense of nostalgia passed over her, making her feel dizzy. She grunted, annoyed, and sat back to light up the blunt.

The first puff in...however long it'd been felt more amazing than she'd ever imagined. It felt like she was finally complete, she could finally breathe properly, her brain felt right. Her lungs filled up as she breathed in, the burning of the smoke going down her throat felt comforting, like a warm hug. She breathed out slowly through her nose and watched the smoke spiral up into the horizon.

She rested her arms on the window sill and propped her chin up, flicking ash onto the streets, watching the sky grow darker and people walk by without a care in the world. She felt at peace.

The tension in her limbs from her nightmare lessened with every drag, until eventually, she'd forgotten what she'd even been anxious about.

That's how she knew it was working; when the lightness in her head came back and she sighed happily, leaning further into the sill with her legs spread out on the carpet, arm dangling from the window. She could fall asleep like this if she wasn't careful, but another nap didn't sound half bad...

She smoked down to the filter, which probably wasn't good but she didn't care. Flicking the filter out the window, disposing of any evidence the best she could, she heaved with the effort of shutting the window and slipped downwards until she was lying on the carpet.

The bed was so far away, the plush carpet felt nice underneath her. She ran her hands over it again and again because the sensation made her arms tingle in a way that felt pleasant and made her happy. She rolled up and onto her side to slip off her jacket and toss it further into the room. She was sure it smelt like smoke and weed, but if she could put it in with the wash she needed to do soon anyways, she was sure that no one would notice.

Amelia lay herself back down and closed her eyes, content.

***

Someone was shaking her.

She cracked open an eye, vision blurring. She was still fucked, which was good. Except...there was another person here now, which was probably bad.

"Are you alright??"

Oh it was Lucia. Hm.

"Did I drift off?" she slurred.

Lucia opened her mouth. "I thought you said you were gonna have a nap".

"Oh yea".

"Why are you on the floor?" her voice sounded worried, insistent.

"Um" Amelia's mind slogged through a response. The ghost of past feelings making her sit up, struggling, "Lucia. Lucia, I had a bad dream".

Lucia sat cross-legged on the carpet and helped Amelia sit up. Amelia found that she didn't mind the contact, it made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She leaned into it, and was disappointed when Lucia's hands left her sides to fall back into her lap.

"You had a bad dream?" Lucia asked.

It took everything in Amelia to not climb into Lucia's lap and tell her everything. There was a deep need for comfort, contact, anything. But even in her clouded mind, she knew to keep her guard up. She didn't like talking about her past, but surely she could still get comfort, right?

"Ya," she nodded, shuffling closer to press her legs against Lucia's. She wanted to ask for a hug or something, but that was scary.

"What sort of bad dream?"

Amelia sat and swayed and thought over her next words. She didn't want to go into detail but Lucia was right there and she trusted her so...it wouldn't hurt to spill a little.

"A memory. A bad memory".

Lucia squinted at Amelia, who was becoming increasingly aware that she might be seconds away from getting found out. She looked away, staring down at her hands clenched into fists on the carpet.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

Amelia opened her mouth. Then shut it. Then shrugged. An internal fight with her brain on whether or not she wanted Lucia to know. If she wanted to share her deepest darkest secrets with her.

She definitely should not have been doing this while high.

A warmth blossomed on her knee and she startled, glancing down to see Lucia's hand. A sense of comfort. It was there but not quite. She needed more.

"Want me to get Sal?"

Amelia shook her head. She didn't want to burden Salix any more than she already had. She wanted Lucia to be with her, she wanted her comforting presence.

How did you ask for comfort again? Shuffling closer? Letting Lucia's hand guide her forward until their sides were pressed together, puzzle pieces slotted perfectly into place.

"Want a hug?" Lucia mumbled, trying again, fingers ghosting over her leg still.

Amelia nodded and allowed Lucia to envelop her with her arms. Her warm citrus scent filled her nose and she buried her face in the crook of her neck, holding onto her for dear life. The entire sensory experience of being hugged by Lucia was like nothing she'd ever felt before, it felt amazing, like she never wanted to let go.

Maybe it was because she was kind of high, maybe it was because this was something she'd needed for a very long time, but Amelia hugged back, her little hands clinging onto the back of Lucia's shirt in a way that made it hard for Lucia to pull back. Lucia huffed a laugh, one hand still around her and the other coming up to scratch her scalp.

"This okay?"

Amelia couldn't even talk anymore, allowing herself to soak in the bliss of being so close to Lucia. If she were sober, maybe she wouldn't have gotten so enthusiastic about it, maybe she would've pulled away or slapped Lucia's hand away when it tangled itself in her hair, but right now she didn't want to think about that. Her mind was full of Lucia.

"I like this," she said, voice muffled by Lucia's shirt.

"Yeah? Is this helping?" there was a hint of amusement in Lucia's voice.

"Mmmhm".

"You sure you don't wanna talk about it?"

"I...I don't wanna ruin your mood with my depressing bullshit".

"You could never ruin my mood" Lucia started scratching circles into the back of her head and Amelia made a little noise, prompting her to do it again. "I don't know what you've gone through, Amelia, but I hope you know I'm here if you ever wanna vent to me, okay?"

Fuck, this was cutting deep and Amelia had no idea how to react. She tried to hide a sniffle and nodded into Lucia's neck. "Thanks" her voice sounded so small in her ears.

"But on the other hand, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. If you wanna talk to Sal instead, that's fine too. As long as you don't bottle it up".

"I don't bottle anything up" Amelia protested.

Lucia laughed as if Amelia had just told the funniest joke she'd ever heard. Amelia pulled back enough to shoot her an offended look.

"You're so-" Lucia stuttered, words dying on her tongue, "You're wonderful, Amelia. I hope you know that".

Amelia buried her head back into Lucia's neck, feeling her face warm up. "Stop!!! You're just saying that!!"

"I'm not saying it out of anything" Lucia went back to playing with her hair, "you can be friends with someone without having any strings attached, you know".

Did she know? Her only experience with friendship up until this point had been Salix, and even back then sometimes she felt as if they did things with her out of pity. She shrugged in response and Lucia scoffed at her.

"Well, I wanna be your friend for the sake of being your friend. I enjoy spending time with you, and it seems like you don't mind my company either".

"I guess you're okay" Amelia said like Lucia didn't mean the world to her at that very moment.

Lucia chuckled. "Thanks".

Amelia's chest twisted, like she'd said something wrong. "I mean- I don't mean it like that. I like you too-"

"I know" she cut Amelia off. "I know".

They sat in silence for a few moments, Lucia bundling up Amelia and rocking her gently until any worries lingering in her mind went away and she was left with a pleasant floating feeling in her head instead. She closed her eyes and hummed happily. Though, she was a fool to think it'd last long.

She'd almost drifted off back to sleep when Lucia's voice cut through the happy fog in her mind.

"You've been smoking". It wasn't a question.

Amelia stiffened, trying to pull away but Lucia held onto her.

"I'm not mad," she continued, "I just- I want you to take care of yourself".

"I am. I'm trying".

"I know you are, but just...let us in, okay? Even if you think we'll get mad at you, let us in, I promise it's not as scary as your brain is trying to tell you it is" Lucia's voice had grown quiet, a deep rumbling sound in her throat. "Just communicate with us".

"It's hard".

"It is, but it's easier after the first few times, I promise".

"How can you know Salix won't be mad".

"Sal could never be mad at you".

"You know that's not true!"

"Listen Amelia, I'm gonna get you some water and you're gonna drink it all" Lucia started pulling away and Amelia whined at the loss of contact. "And after that, we can hug some more, okay? Just drink something first for me".

Amelia scowled at Lucia's back as she disappeared back into the living room. When she returned, ice water in hand, she drank from it greedily and huffed as Lucia opened her arms invitingly. It didn't take much to settle back into them and as she did, she silently succumbed to her fate.

Notes:

lucia: i know you smoked a weed

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 24

Amelia had wished for any other outcome rather than get caught smoking, but she supposed she'd been far too hopeful about being sneaky. If she thought about it critically, there was absolutely no way she wouldn't have been found out.

"M'sorry about smoking in your room" she mumbled, face buried in Lucia's shoulder as the other woman gently rocked them back and forth.

"Have you...done this before?" Lucia asked warily.

"What? No! It was j- it was just this one time!"

"Okay then, I forgive you" her fingers were tangled in Amelia's hair, "as long as you don't do it again. We should keep the windows open to air it out a little bit because you stink of weed right now, Amelia".

"Sorry" she'd forgotten how the scent often clung to her clothes even after she'd smoked. It had a way of seeping into your very being if you weren't careful. Amelia was sure Lilith knew she smoked far more often than she said she did because of it.

"You apologise too much".

"I feel bad!" there was misery in her voice.

Lucia huffed a laugh and rest her chin on top of Amelia's head. "I know these past few months have been hard on you. It's fine, I promise, I'm not mad. But we should talk to Sal about it".

Amelia groaned, muffled by Lucia's shirt that smelt pleasantly citrusy. She wanted to stay like this forever instead. Lucia was warm and safe in a world she had only known as cruel.

"Not right now" she whined.

"No, not now. Sober up a bit first".

"I am sober".

"Mmmhm" Lucia continued rocking them.

"You don't believe me!" Amelia accused, offended. She pulled away from her cosy perch and glared up at Lucia like she wasn't snuggled up to her, halfway in the other woman's lap.

"You're right I don't. Sober Amelia would probably try and bite me if I cuddled her like this".

"No, I wouldn't!!!!"

"I know you're not really one for physical affection".

"I mean- I guess....b-but it depends on the person!" she wasn't sure why she was trying to argue this, she just knew that hugging Lucia felt good and she wanted to keep doing it for as long as she possibly could. She felt her face warm.

"I thought it was like- a sensory thing, right?"

"Sometimes. But sometimes it's a good sensory thing".

Words were hard right now, but she supposed a lot of it stemmed from trust. If she didn't trust someone, she wouldn't let them touch her. She'd been hurt by people in the past, people she'd blindly trusted had held her down and made her sit still when she'd been on the verge of a breakdown, or yelled and grabbed her arms to punish her when she was acting out.

Lucia wasn't like any of those people. She was always so gentle. And warm. And soft. And she smelt nice. And-

Her heart burst in her chest. The sheer amount of affection she felt for this woman was terrifying. She hoped it was just her high- that once she calmed down she'd stop feeling these intense feelings. She buried her face back in that comfy little spot in the crook of Lucia's neck and closed her eyes.

"I mean...as long as you're comfortable, I'm happy to stay here as long as you need" Lucia's voice was light, the tone held something Amelia couldn't decipher.

"I don't wanna keep you here" Okay, now the bad feelings were coming back. The feelings that told her she'd gotten attached way too fast, that she was going to scare Lucia off like she'd done all those times she'd tried to make friends as a kid.

"I want to be here".

"Are you sure?" Amelia's voice came out small.

"I'm sure".

"Okay. Thanks".

Lucia's hand found its way back into her hair and she melted into the touch, allowing herself to just sit and feel Lucia's body around her. Holding her close, fingers playing with her hair, idly untangling it, brushing over the skin on her neck. It made her shiver pleasantly. The experience of being touched by Lucia was like no other.

It brought with it a sense of calmness she would not otherwise feel, like she could lean against Lucia and close her eyes and know that she was safe from harm in her arms. It was sappy, she knew that, she despised that in a way, but it was the truth.

They sat for what felt like hours, yet was no time at all. Amelia watched through bleary eyes as the shadows of evening crept across the carpet. She listened as Lucia broke the silence, talking quietly about how her day into Amelia's hair as she continued to play with it. The constant rumble of her voice left a pleasant ring in her ears, and it was all too soon before Lucia pulled away.

She almost pouted. Almost. When Lucia gently guided her out of her arms, reaching over to grab the remaining water for Amelia to finish off. She sat and drank and tried not to visibly stew grumpily that she wasn't being held. And slowly, she began to sober up.

This wasn't a bad thing, it was perhaps even a pretty good thing. But with it brought the realisation of what she'd allowed Lucia to do. What she'd allowed her to see. Being vulnerable was still new and scary, but she didn't feel as scared as she'd used to.

She still didn't want to talk about...all that. Not tonight.

Lucia seemed to understand. She always did in the most infuriating way. She smiled that charming, honest smile, and vanished to grab her food and another drink, staying with her to make sure it was all eaten, pressed against Amelia comfortingly.

The physical affection seemed to be doing as much for Lucia as it did for Amelia. From what she'd already seen, Lucia was a very affectionate person, and even though she'd seemingly been holding back with Amelia, it was clear she was more than happy she was finally starting to open up a bit more. It felt nice to accomplish that. An understanding between the two of their growth as people, both independently and together.

"You gonna finish that?" Lucia asked.

Anelia looked down at the remains of her food and then back at Lucia, shaking her head. 

 The other woman grinned, stealing the leftovers from her plate and throwing them up in the air to catch them in her mouth. Amelia's heart lurched as it bounced off the side of her mouth and onto her jeans, feeling anxious about her making a mess. Lucia didn't seem to notice, picking the morsel back up and trying again.

"Hey Amelia" there it was again. Lucia seemed to be scheming.

"Yeah?"

"Open your mouth".

She blushed, the order making her stomach flip, twist in knots. She looked over at Lucia, her brown gaze holding so much trust in it she couldn't help but wearily open her mouth.

Lucia closed one eye and aimed another morsel of food at her. Amelia had no choice but to try and catch it as it was launched into the air.

It missed. Amelia had never been good at catching things with her hands, let alone her mouth. Her coordination had always been a little messed up, lagging.

"Almost got it!!" Lucia didn't seem annoyed that she'd missed. She seemed happy, bouncing in place, fingers tapping her knees. She leaned forward to pick up the piece of food that had landed on the carpet and reached back to put it back on the plate.

She stayed where she was, leaned forward, almost intimately close to Amelia's face.

"Um. Hi," Amelia stuttered, feeling exposed and warm and sweaty.

Lucia smiled that easy smile. She reached over to cup Amelia's cheek.

"Got a bit on your face," she said softly, swiping her thumb over the corner of her mouth a few times and then retracting her hand to wipe it on her jeans without a care in the world.

Amelia was so confident she was about to pass out that she didn't say anything. She looked at Lucia in shock, trying to still her beating heart, and then lay back down on the carpet to let the creeping darkness take her away.

***

Nothing was said of that day. Everything came and went as normally as it could, with Lucia checking up on her, making sure she was doing okay at work and in the apartment. Trying to nudge her into telling Salix about the weed thing.

She was working on it, she just needed to find a way to bring it up is all!

It took a few more days until the opportunity arose. Salix had stopped her as she'd walked into the kitchen to make herself some coffee, a glint in their eyes that told her they had something important to talk about.

"I wanted to give you an update on your apartment" was the first thing out of their mouth as they took charge and started filling up the kettle.

"Oh right. How's that going?"

"Good! A few people have been round to have a look at your heating problem. I think it has something to do with the pipes? I'm not sure" they adjusted their glasses "A few people have complained about it, so it's gonna take a while for everything to be sorted since it's multiple apartments. But at least they've seemed to have diagnosed the problem".

Amelia felt her shoulders sag in relief. "And the mould?"

"Gone. I've given anyone who goes in your apartment strict instructions to keep the windows open, and to dry them regularly so no moisture gets in. There's some discolouration on the walls from the cleaning stuff we used, but other than that, there's no sign of it returning".

"Holy shit. Thank you so much Sal, I don't know what I'd do without you".

Salix shrugged. "It's not a big deal. I told you I'd help get everything sorted and I did".

"Yeah but- I feel bad for making you put in the effort-"

"Nope. Not listening" they poured Amelia her drink. "I don't wanna hear it. I did it because I wanted to, okay?"

"Okay," Amelia sighed, knowing she would not win this.

"Good" Sal seemed way too satisfied with themself. "I was gonna ask if you wanted to go down and check out all the work we've done so far? Since the mould's gone, there's no chance of you getting sick".

"Oh! Yeah!"

A day out with Sal! God, it'd been far too long since it'd just been the both of them hanging out. Not that that was a bad thing, but she did miss her oldest friend when they were busy with work and sorting out her apartment for her.

They cooked breakfast together, making idle conversation about their plans as Lucia sleepily emerged from the shower and gratefully accepted a coffee. She'd be holding down the fort for the day, getting in some writing while Amelia and Salix were out.

"Finally some peace and quiet" she joked.

"Of course, we all know how loud Amelia is," Salix said levelly.

Amelia scoffed and went back to trying to flip her pancake. "I'm the most quiet one here. I can hear Lucia snoring through my door".

"Hey, I don't snore!"

Salix put their hand on her shoulder wistfully. "You very much do".

Lucia stuck her tongue out childishly at them.

This was so...domestic. So domestic it almost made her sick. But, not in a bad way. It was hard to explain just how she was feeling, so she decided to put all her feelings into flipping her pancake instead.

It flipped over, sure. But she almost lost grip of the pan, and there were a few moments of unbridled panic as she tried to stop it from falling on her toes.

The pan was briskly handed over to Salix, who flipped several pancakes with perfect precision.

It was so normal to eat together that it was almost second nature to move to the sofa with her plate of pancakes, sitting next to Lucia and she lounged and flipped through TV channels to find decent background noise to their conversation.

Living with Salix and Lucia was vastly different than anything she'd ever experienced before. It felt so...normal to fall into casual conversation, no pressure to speak, to add anything to it, letting her friends guide it to where it needed to be. She found she loved listening to Sal and Lucia talk, even if the topics often made her scoff and roll her eyes. It felt good to know they felt comfortable enough to be themselves around her. Amelia had not made it easy, being so closed off at the start.

She picked at her pancakes and let her mind wander into nothingness, just enjoying the warmth and company around her.

***

There was a light drizzle outside when food was finished and cooking stuff put away, Lucia volunteered to do the dishes while Amelia and Salix were out. Salix had made Amelia trudge back into her room to put on a few extra layers before they left, which was annoying. A little rain had never stopped her before. Which was probably part of the reason she got sick in the first place.

Whatever. That didn't matter anymore.

Lucia had offered her beanie up to Amelia before she'd stepped out the door, and not knowing what to do, how to act, she had taken it. Even in Salix's car, she held it, not putting it on, unsure, hesitant.

"Y'know, that beanie's really special to Lucia" Salix said as they buckled themself in and started the car.

"Yeah?" Amelia looked down, her thumb traced over the soft fabric.

"It's handmade. A gift from her mum before she moved out for uni. She's never let that thing out of her sight since, it holds a lot of memories. Good and bad".

Amelia flipped it inside out and- no label. She'd never seen it in the usual laundry pile either, but remembered seeing it hung up by the radiator. Lucia must've been hand-washing it. The amount of care put into this one hat made her head reel. She hadn't noticed it before, but now that Salix mentioned it, it was clear this was one of Lucia's most prized possessions.

And she had let Amelia wear it.

This felt like a burden she shouldn't be responsible for. Amelia had a habit of messing things up. She'd messed up her entire life. It didn't make any sense why Lucia would put so much trust into giving her the beanie.

"She must really like you" Salix continued into the silence that followed. They glanced at Amelia from the corner of their eye and smiled.

"You think so?"

"I know so. I've...never seen her act that way around anyone like she does with you".

That opened up a whole new flood of questions because what the fuck was that supposed to mean????

"In what way?" Amelia's heart started beating faster, eyes glued to the beanie like if she held it wrong it'd fall apart in her hands.

Salix shrugged. "She's very impulsive, she gets a bit ahead of herself sometimes- I'm sure you've noticed" they chuckled when Amelia nodded, "but she's so much gentler with you. It's sweet".

"I don't need to be babied".

"I know. I don't mean it like that. I just mean- she acts differently with me than she does you. Which isn't a bad thing. It just means she's paid attention to us, our boundaries, and has taken it to memory so she doesn't make either of us uncomfortable. It's what friends are supposed to do, but Lucia has always been extra cautious about that sorta thing with the people she cares about".

"Why? She could make friends with anyone she wanted". She'd made friends with Amelia after all. Her dedication to the craft was admirable.

"It wasn't always like that. Ask her about it next time you get the chance".

They were getting close to her apartment now, Amelia recognised some of the landmarks. Her heart stuttered in anticipation, but she still had a few questions in her mind.

"How did you and Lucia become friends?"

"We were assigned the same dorm, we didn't really have a choice in the matter" Their voice was light, with a hint of amusement. "It was kind of a rocky start, she almost got expelled beating up this guy who was being transphobic to me and I managed to save her ass. After that we started talking more".

Lucia was intelligent and strong and everything Amelia had once wished to be. She had never thought of Lucia as a violent person, but she supposed that was another question to bring up to the woman herself.

Salix turned a corner and the apartment building came into view, the same boring grey it had always been, tinted with moss and mould and little pockmarks that showed it was lived in. It was almost nostalgic to be back after so long, and a familiar sense of loneliness she often felt when walking up to the building overcame her as Sal looked for a place to park.

She had not been in a good place the last time she was here, and even though it had only been a month or so, it felt like she was an entirely different person now.

The walk up to her apartment wasn't so scary with Salix so close by, their presence bringing with it a sense of calmness and solidarity. They would tell she was nervous, they could tell she was stuck in her thoughts. They'd always been able to tell.

Reading people was hard, but Sal had always made it look easy. She'd been jealous of it as a kid, only ever able to distinguish the anger her mother had shown her every day she spent living in the manor. She supposed she'd learnt a little bit more living in Bonesborough, as a means to survive, but she had never considered herself particularly good at it.

The first thing Amelia noticed when they reached her floor was that it was cold. Far colder than the rest of the building. There were footprints going back and forth from the stairs down the corridor of apartments, most likely from work boots as maintenance tried to figure out what the fuck was going on with the heating issue. She shivered, her jacket and hoodie combo doing little to ease the chill that was settling into her bones. It was a miracle she'd ever survived so long in an apartment that was this cold. She'd grown used to the luxuries of Lucia and Salix's warm apartment and hot shower.

Salix was the first to start moving again and Amelia was shaken out of her daze, following a few paces behind and peeking over their shoulder as they inserted the key into the lock. She was almost scared to see her apartment again, knowing how much of a state it had been in the last time she'd been there. Embarrassed that Salix had seen how she'd left it.

The mess hadn't been entirely her fault, she'd been sick, both mentally and physically, for a while now. Doing more than waking up each day and going to work had been difficult for her, she hadn't really seen a way out of the monotonous routine.

A cold breeze hit her as she entered her apartment for the first time in months, bringing with it a deep sense of nostalgia, an ache in her chest that squeezed at her heart.

She remembered stepping through the door for the first time as a teen. She had felt excited, in a way, to be given such freedom as to live by herself for the first time. No eyes watching everything she did, no people asking if she was okay every 5 seconds. She could just...exist in her own space.

It had been great at the time, but it had also been her downfall.

As Salix had mentioned before, the windows were open, adding to the already freezing air. The floorboards creaked under her boots, a familiar almost comforting sound. They'd been cleaned, varnished since she'd last been there. It was the first time they'd ever looked good and it was almost strange to see.

Her sofa had been pushed off to the side, a new throw and cushions on it she didn't recognise. The walls were still as bare as they'd always been, but had been cleaned of the small traces of mould and other miscellaneous stains, mostly from her smoking. Her kitchenette had been deep cleaned. It looked shiny, brand new, like she'd never even used it before.

"Wow, Sal" she poked her head into the bathroom and noticed it'd been cleaned pretty thoroughly as well. "You didn't have to do all this".

"I wanted to" They followed her around, hands in their pockets as if this wasn't that big a deal.

"Yeah but...I could've helped clean most of this. I could've done it myself".

"You were sick".

"I mean after I got better. All you had to do was get rid of the mould-"

"Amelia, I don't think you realise how bad the mould was in here. It was everywhere, there's no way I could've left anything when I first cleaned this place".

Their tone held no accusation but Amelia still felt guilty. She should've noticed the mould before it got too bad. She should've done something, anything, to prevent herself from getting sick.

"Stop stewing," Salix said, glancing at her with a fond little smile, "come see your room".

"I wasn't stewing" Amelia grumbled, but followed anyways.

Amelia's room had been the main hub of her rotting time. She had often spent hours after work laying in bed in the dark, dozing off, staring at nothing, feeling exhaustion no person should ever feel after a day of sitting behind a counter. It had a lot of memories attached to it, most bad, a lot of them scary. She hadn't realised until this very moment how alien it was stepping back into a room that had held so much animosity in the past.

It had been cleaned with the same care and effort as the rest of her apartment. Walls scrubbed of mould, painted over where the stains had seeped into the very foundations of the room. The ceiling stain was gone completely, which was weird to see. That thing had been there as long as she had.

The bed sheets had been changed, her old ones washed and folded neatly in a corner, ready to be used again or put away. She assumed whatever clothes she'd left had been cleaned too. There was a faint scent of detergent in the air from whatever had been used.

All trash left in the apartment had been thrown away, the worst of it had been in her room, old takeout containers and microwave meal boxes that she'd been too tired to throw away properly. Now she could actually see the entirety of her floor, which was nice.

"I haven't touched anything in your drawers," Sal said from beside her. "Except for what you wanted me to keep at my apartment".

"Oh right," the weed. She should...say something? "My tin".

"It's sweet you've kept it for so long".

"It was a gift...."

"I would've thought you'd throw it away because of the memories".

Amelia shrugged. "I couldn't bring myself to do it".

"I guess it is perfectly shaped for putting blunts in" Their voice was light. Amelia's chest felt tight.

"Yeah..."

"Listen" Salix turned towards her, "I know you smoked the other day. I don't know why you didn't think I could smell it, weed is fucking pungent".

Amelia flinched back.

"I'm not mad, I'm sorry if it sounded that way" they continued, giving Amelia some space. "You're an adult who can make her own decisions, but just...take it easy, okay? Let your lungs recover a bit more".

"I-  yeah. Sorry".

Tension grew between them and Amelia knew it was all her fault. She clenched her hands into fists, her nails digging into her palm and tried to control her breathing into something resembling normal. Even if Sal said they weren't mad, it still felt like she'd done something wrong, annoyed them. And after everything they'd already done for her, it was the worst feeling in the world.

A few more beats passed before Salix spoke, their voice small, soft, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Amelia shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Alright. I'm here if you ever wanna talk, remember that. Me or Lucia. Wanna head back?"

Amelia nodded, still not trusting herself to talk.

She was guided gently back out the door and loitered around the corridor as Salix locked up and gestured for her to start making her way downstairs. 

The car ride back was silent and Amelia knew the weird uncomfortable feeling between them was all her doing. And god did she feel bad about it. She desperately wanted to be more open with Salix, but she couldn't help but feel that if she unloaded all her problems onto them they'd get scared and run off. Of course, she wouldn't blame them, but she'd just gotten them back, she didn't want to be alone again.

Looking down at the beanie in her lap, her heart lifted. She wasn't alone. She didn't have to worry. Lucia had made it clear she was here to stay, wasn't that good enough?

What if Salix left and Lucia followed them? They were close friends after all.

Fuck. She could feel herself spiralling. It was taking everything not to burst into tears next to Salix in their car.

She didn't want to lose what she had. She didn't want Salix to be angry at her.

"I'm not angry at you," Salix said.

"Huh-wha?"

"You're doing that thing where you convince yourself I'm mad at you, but I'm really not. I know sometimes I can be blunt when I don't mean to, and I know you're not the best at reading tone. So, I just wanted you to know that you've done nothing wrong. I just want you to look after yourself, I care about you a lot".

The car stopped. Salix shut it off and smiled at her as they unbuckled their seatbelt.

"You better share that weed, though".

Amelia's laugh sounded dangerously close to a sob.

Notes:

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 25

She'd been doing good. Lately, things had started to look up for her and she was forever grateful for the support the people around her were giving her. Lucia and Salix were a constant presence whether she liked it or not, and now that she was getting up and out of the apartment she'd been getting regular check-ins from Eda and Lilith too.

It wasn't enough. It had been. Amelia had been so sure she'd been getting better. But her past had a way of clawing its way back into her mind, freezing all progress, making her retreat back into her fear.

She woke up from a nightmare of her mother and knew today was not going to be a good day. It was embarrassing how she could still be so terrified of someone so far away. It was humiliating that she felt this way about anyone, let alone her own mother.

When she blearily felt around for her phone to check the time, it was as if all time had stopped, freezing her in place.

It was the anniversary of her running away. Another year had passed. And she was still alive.

She wasn't sure what to think about that. There was a sort of mournful feeling that persisted after the thought. Perhaps it was at the life she could've had if everything hadn't gone to shit. Maybe she would've graduated, gone to uni, got a degree. Made her parents and siblings proud.

Was there really any possibility, any universe where her parents were truly proud of her?

She'd always been the least favourite child. Her siblings had been favoured ever since her mother realised that something was wrong with her. There was nothing she could've done to please Odalia Blight. Deep down she knew that, but there was still some buried childish hope that things could've turned out better.

It was dark in her room, still too early in the morning for anyone else to be up, the faint blue glow of the frosty morning peeled out from the curtains. Amelia shivered, the sweat cooling on her skin, turning it icy. She knew she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.

Outside of her cocoon of blankets, it was cold. So cold it made her limbs ache, but that didn't feel like a bad thing. Not right now. She needed to feel something, to stay grounded. Her feet hit the carpet as she swung her legs over the side of the bed, skin prickling in the cold air.

The apartment was quiet as she stood up and slipped on her jacket, pulling on her socks so that she wouldn't completely freeze, but didn't move to pull on her jeans, leaving her in shorts and a t-shirt.

Lucia was fast asleep on the sofa, dead to the world. She had wrapped herself in multiple blankets, her head pressed into the arm of the sofa, dried drool on the corner of her mouth as she snored without a care in the world. Amelia's lips twitched upwards into the ghost of a smile. At least someone was at peace. At least Lucia was okay.

Her destination was the fire escape, though this time it wasn't to smoke. She needed to sit on the cold metal and think, and the thought of smoking just made her feel...icky. She wanted it, sure, to have something to do with her hands. But after everything that'd happened, now that she had Salix back, she needed to reflect.

There was no doubt Salix didn't know what day it was today. They'd surely seek her out once they'd woken up.

On past anniversaries she had perhaps indulged a little too much in substances. Usually, her crutch was weed, but she had been known to drink rather liberally when she wasn't feeling great. Last year's anniversary had her blacking out and waking up a day later on her living room floor, apartment trashed. She didn't want a repeat of that. Those were memories she'd never been able to relocate, no matter how hard she tried.

She'd been kind of a mess for a long time, even more so when she'd run away. When she was alone she had the freedom to do whatever she wanted, and what she had wanted to do was destroy her body and soul until there was nothing left. She had been told she was useless to society her entire life, so why would she stop thinking like that just because her mother wasn't there to drill it into her head anymore?

It had taken her a long time to find purpose. Two purposes. Two purposes who were fast asleep right now, completely unaware of the inner turmoil going on in Amelia's head.

Salix knew, they had all the context. Lucia didn't, and even if she was beginning to trust the woman, telling her everything still felt terrifying.

She sighed to herself, standing on the fire escape, reaching over to lightly shut the door so no cold air got into the apartment. It was freezing outside, the first signs of frost starting to show on the sides of the pavement, on the trash that had been thrown into the alley overnight. She watched her breath billow into the sky, rubbed her hands together to get the circulation going and then stuffed them into her pockets.

Leaning against the railing, she noted that barely anyone passed by the building. It was still early and it was cold, so anyone who didn't have to get up for work were surely, sensibly, still inside. Amelia should've been too, but the cold that bit at her face was a welcoming feeling. It was a reminder that she was alive. That her heart was still beating. That she was still here and that she was here to stay.

She slowly sunk down to the floor of the fire escape, her bare legs tingling with the contact with the cold metal. She pressed her side into the railing and continued to look out, letting her mind wander as she watched people live their lives below her.

Today was one of the few days she let herself think about her past, though more often than not it was after several drinks or a blunt, or both. She'd lay there, in her bed or on the sofa, even the floor if she was too fucked up to move, and cry and cry and cry about what-ifs.

There was no going back now, it'd been years since she'd seen her siblings. They'd grown up without her, they'd probably moved on.

Salix hadn't been too angry about finding out she was alive, but her siblings would be pissed.

And if her mother found out....

She wasn't sure what'd happen, but she wanted to try and avoid that at all costs. She didn't think she could ever look that woman in the eye again.

It was hard. It'd been hard ever since she'd been a child. Life had been so cruel to her, to give her a mother who had never loved her. Who she had wanted so, so desperately to love her back.

Amelia curled in on herself, squeezing her eyes shut, nails digging into the palm of her hand, face pressed into her knees. She let herself breathe. In and out. In and out. Trying to choke back a sob building in the back of her throat.

It'd do her no good to cry, she thought. Crying was weakness and she wasn't weak. She wasn't anything her mother had tried to hammer into her head, and yet her voice still lingered in the back of her thoughts. A constant presence. Her deepest fear.

Sometimes it felt like she'd never left the manor, the way her chest would constrict, heart hammering in her ribcage, over thoughts of her mother. Of adults touching her, hugging her, hitting her. No one had done that- Eda and Lilith had always been so gentle with her, so gentle it made her feel sick with guilt. She'd always chalked it up to them pitying her, and it'd made her angry, spiteful at something that wasn't even there.

She sniffled angrily and wiped her nose, groaning tiredly as if that'd stop the thoughts from coming. She just wished she was better. She wished she was normal. She wished she'd just lived a normal life, maybe then she wouldn't be so fucking pathetic.

How could anyone stand her when she was like this?

It should've been over the night she'd run away. That should've fixed everything that was causing her problems. She should've been able to move on easily, start a new life, pick herself back up.

Perhaps she'd been too hopeful. If she'd known this would stay with her into adulthood maybe she would've stayed at the manor and accepted her fate.

The door opened behind her and her head shot up, trying desperately to wipe at her eyes in the most discreet way possible. The sun was beginning to rise higher in the sky, though it didn't bring any more warmth to the chilly morning.

A blanket was thrown over her and she jumped, flinching, eyes shuttering in confusion about what the fuck was even happening.

There was a huff, a long sigh, a yawn, as Salix sat down next to her, wrapped up in a blanket of their own.

"How long have you been up?" they asked quietly.

Amelia looked down, shrugging. "Dunno. I haven't been keeping track of time".

"You shouldn't stay out here too long, you might get sick again".

She growled, digging her nails even further into her palm. "What does it matter? I don't care", her voice came out dangerously wobbly, the lump in her throat grew.

There were a few beats of silence that hung in the air like a noose. Amelia couldn't look Salix in the eye.

"Remember when we were kids?" they asked, voice low, soft.

Amelia didn't reply, not trusting herself to speak in the moment. So they continued;

"We'd always get told off in school for talking in class. They had to make us sit apart and even that didn't work, 'cause we'd just skip instead".

"And then they'd tell my mother and I'd get punished" She recalled, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat. She'd been locked in her room without dinner quite a few times for that.

"But at the time, how did you feel?"

"I...I guess it was fun? I liked spending time with you. School always felt so overwhelming".

"Your mother put a lot of expectations on you".

Amelia scoffed. "She did more than that," she said bitterly.

Salix hummed. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. If I could've done anything-"

"You couldn't have. It's too late now anyways".

"I know but I still feel...I don't know- guilty?" Salix wrung their hands, a nervous tick. "I'd known you for so long, I'd seen what your mother was like and I still didn't connect the dots. I know you didn't wanna tell me 'cause you thought something would happen to me and my dads, but we could've worked something out. We could've done something".

She could tell that this had been on their mind for a while now. 

"It's okay, Sal-"

"It's not okay. I mean, it is now, but it wasn't back then. You were being hurt and-and I was the only one who could help you. I was the only person you'd let in and I still couldn't help you".

"I was too worried about you getting hurt to tell you. That's why I hid it from you".

Salix turned to look at her. "I would've done anything if it had meant that bastard wouldn't hit you again".

"I know" Amelia sighed,  "That's what I was worried about".

"No kid should have to go through that" they continued, anger in their tone, "no one should have to run away, leave everyone behind because of their shitty parents".

"You were the best thing to happen to me, Sal".

"I wish I could've been there for you".

"Well, you're here for me now".

Salix let out a dry chuckle. "I guess so. Don't go running on me now, okay?"

"Don't plan to".

The silence that followed was lighter. Amelia felt pleased to have her oldest friend by her side, they'd always been so good at comforting her when they were kids, even more so now that they'd grown up.

Salix leaned over, throwing their blanket over Amelia's shoulder so that it covered them both, and scooted closer. Amelia hummed, a happy, satisfied little noise as she bundled up into Salix's side. Her hands and feet had almost gone numb from the cold, but it felt good in a way. It was helping to ground her.

"So what do you usually do on this day?"

Amelia's face turned warm from embarrassment, "Smoke til I pass out".

"You won't be doing that today" It was said as a statement and Amelia nodded in agreement, if only because she now had a shoulder to lean on instead of her crutches. She had someone who knew what she'd gone through, someone she could talk to.

It was enough for now. Though, she might smoke later when the itch in her throat came back.

"What do you do?" she asked, almost timidly. A selfish little question.

Salix ran a hand through their ruffled bedhead. "It's the only time I'd let myself think of you. Every other day I'd try and forget because the thought of you not being there, not knowing if you were alive or not, it hurt a lot" They leaned further on Amelia, as if searching for confirmation that she was real, that she was sitting next to them, "When I went to uni, Lucia knew something was up. I never told her the full story because not even I knew the full story, but she helped a ton with comforting me. 

"We'd usually have a self-care day, I'd take the longest, hottest shower that the dorm regulations would allow. I'd use up all the hot water and Lucia would let me. Then we'd watch a movie and order my favourite food and talk. It was never about what was wrong, it was always about something else. Lucia is very good at filling in conversation, as you've probably noticed by now".

"For some reason, I thought you'd forget about me".

"I could never forget about you. You were my first ever friend. My best friend. When you left it felt like the end of the world".

"I'm sorry I put you through that".

"It's over now, no need to dwell on the past. I'm just happy that you're here, now. When I first realised you were in Bonesborough I had no idea how to approach you. It felt wrong to just...go to your work. It'd feel like I was cornering you and I didn't want you to run away".

"If you'd showed up at Claire's back then I probably would've tried to run" Amelia chuckled dryly, "I'd been trying for so long to stop thinking about how guilty I felt for leaving you and my siblings behind".

"You're gonna have to tell them eventually".

"I know...I'm still trying to figure that all out" It wasn't something she liked to think about because she knew no matter what, it was going to be messy, "are you still in contact with them?"

"Yeah, but we haven't talked in a while" Salix shrugged and it moved Amelia and the blanket. "They've grown up, moved out, doing their own things now".

"H-how are they? Do you know if they're okay?" Amelia couldn't help but ask, that one little confirmation was all she needed to ease her mind just a fraction.

"They were really torn up over you for a long time but they're doing better" was all they said, which didn't really help Amelia all that much.

She wanted to ask more but she didn't know how to. Trying to articulate sentences, especially about her siblings, was hard. She desperately wanted to know how they were doing, but it felt wrong to ask in a way. Like she should've known how they were doing because she was their older sister and it had been her job to look after them.

"You should ask them yourself" Salix prompted.

Amelia flinched. "I guess so".

"When you're ready. Let yourself relax a bit. Move back into your apartment and get back into your work routine, and then you can think about that".

The sun rose higher in the sky, the frost thawing ever so slightly. Amelia felt numb, both mentally and physically. She felt tired, like she could close her eyes and sleep forever. She often felt like this when she had deep conversations like this, when she thought too hard about her past.

Today was not a good day. But it certainly wasn't her worst. She supposed she had Salix to thank for that, keeping her company on the fire escape as conversation slowly drifted away from touchier subjects.

Eventually, the door to the fire escape opened and Amelia jumped, turning around to find Lucia leaning on the frame, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"You guys having a heart to heart without me?" she joked, stretching her arms towards the sky.

"You weren't invited" Sal shot back, tone light.

"Aw man, guess I'll leave you to it. Want me to-"

"I'm just kidding, dumbass. Come here" Salix held open the blanket invitingly.

Lucia's face lit up, excited feet hopped onto the fire escape, shutting the door clumsily before diving into the space on Salix's other side. Salix and Lucia slot into place like they'd done this a million times before, and knowing their history, they probably had.

With Lucia there, the mood lightened considerably and Amelia started to feel less and less like she was about to spiral into the usual inevitable breakdown she'd have on this day. The guilt was still there, it was always lingering just out of reach, the ache of mourning what she could've had with her siblings if she had stayed...it'd haunt her forever.

But it was hard to feel bad about herself when Lucia and Sal were next to her, joking around, shoving each other til the blanket fell from her shoulders. And then Salix would stop. Look over. And wrap Amelia in the blanket, keeping her warm against the biting cold.

It was the amount of care put into each movement. The acknowledgement that Amelia was there even if she wasn't participating in the conversation. It made her chest feel tight.

The talk she'd had with Salix left her mind reeling. She had a lot to think about, a lot to consider about what she wanted to even say to her siblings after so long. Would they even want to talk to her? She wouldn't have blamed them if they didn't.

She'd been a mess while she still lived in the manor. She'd put up barriers, a wall in the hopes of not showing this weakness to her siblings. To make them think of her as a strong older sister, someone who could protect them, and she had failed in her one goal spectacularly.

Amelia Blight was weak. She couldn't handle the pressure her parents had put on her and she'd cracked and shattered. And now here she was, someone who felt entirely different to who she'd been living in the manor.

And maybe, just maybe, she could prove to her siblings that was she strong after all.

"Hey," she was brought out of her thoughts by Lucia crouching down beside her. "You're shivering pretty bad, wanna head inside?"

Amelia hadn't noticed that she was shaking, though it had been partly from the cold and partly from her thoughts, but Lucia didn't need to know that. Her legs had gone almost entirely numb and when she moved to stand up, she had to hold onto the railing.

Lucia hovered over her, asking if she was okay, offering something to lean on while she waited for the pins and needles in her legs to die down. Amelia hesitantly accepted Lucia's arm draped around her shoulder, allowing herself to be led back into the apartment with the blanket still bundled up around her.

She was sat on the sofa, given more blankets which were then shared by Lucia and Salix once warm drinks were made, and then they lapsed back into comfortable conversation as if nothing had changed.

***

It's been one year since you ran away. You wake up like you've woken up every day for the past few months. In a stale room in a bed that feels far, far too big for you with itchy bedsheets that make you want to peel your skin off. 

But at least it's not the streets, you'd hear if you complained.

You don't realise what day it is til you've forced yourself out of bed, slinging your feet over the edge to hop off. Til you sigh, stretching your aching limbs, still stiff from sleep, hesitating by the door for any noise.

It's been months since you first came here and yet your leg and shoulder still hurts from getting hit by that fucking car. You can feel it in the way your shoulder protests as you push the door open and the feeling of your legs giving out as you exit into the kitchen.

It is only then that you look at the calendar hung up on the wall by the window and notice the date.

Suddenly it's like you couldn't breathe. How the fuck had it been an entire year when it's felt so much longer. An eternity trapped in this shitty little town, in this apartment, forced to be grateful for the shelter you'd been given. You never asked for this. You never asked for help.

But then why hadn't you left?

The door was right there, it wasn't like you couldn't just...walk out and never come back. But something was stopping you and you weren't sure what. And it scared you.

You were scared of a lot of things. It wasn't often you left your room anymore, only when you were forced out to eat dinner with company, but even then you refused to talk.

When you were scared you tended to mask it with anger. It was a habit you'd picked up from your mother and even though she was so far away, it still persisted. You spat and swore and threw things, but never hurt anyone. You didn't want to hurt anyone. Only yourself, because in your mind you deserved it.

But that was an entirely different thing you didn't want to think about.

The kitchen is blessedly empty, there's food left out on the counter for you but you don't feel hungry. Instead, you start opening and shutting the drawers around the kitchen, looking for the hidden goods you know are there. Today was a bad day, you can tell by the way your hands are shaking, your breath stuttering out of your lips.

You find the little box of cigarettes in the medicine drawer, not the typical brand you liked but it'd do. You're itching for a smoke, you aren't allowed to do it because you're"too young". It's bullshit, you can do what you want.

You stick the cig between your lips and sneak another couple out of the box before you continue your search. You're just about to open the cupboard you know the booze is in when the door opens. You have less than a second to grab the cig between your lips and slip it into your pocket.

"Good morning, Amelia".

"Morning" your voice sounds strange in your ears. You watch Lilith walk about the kitchen, blue eyes passing over the uneaten plate of food.

You're always weary around the woman but today you're in a particularly bad mood. You don't want to stay long enough to chat, you want to slink back into your room and smoke your cigs out the window and then maybe take a long nap so you won't have to think about what day it was today.

This time last year you would've just made it to school. You would've met up with Salix in your usual spot, talking to them about something far past your memory.

It hurts to think about your only friend.

"Do you want to sit down and eat breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry" you clench your fists. Nausea is rising up your throat, you desperately need a cigarette. Maybe some coffee. Maybe some booze later. Anything to stop your brain from functioning. Anything that'd ease your misery for just a little while.

"You didn't eat dinner last night, you have to have something-"

"I will later" you spit back, getting frustrated.

The kitchen lights above you make your eyes sting. Lilith's voice pisses you off. It's too warm in here, the heating was on for a little too long. Your hair is sticking uncomfortably to the back of your neck.

"Amelia" that voice. The authoritative tone, as if saying it like that would make you obey.

"I don't want your shitty food" you snarl, swiping the plate off the counter.

It shatters into a million tiny shards, slicing your foot, making you wince, flinching back at the noise you had made. It rang in your ears.

The food bounced onto the tiles and you stared at it. You can't look Lilith in the eyes. Your foot stung.

"Just- leave me alone" your voice comes out a whimper, shaking. You push past the woman and slam the door to your room shut behind you for good measure. You don't want her following you in, you need to make it clear you need to be alone.

You lay down on your bed that's far too big, curling in on yourself. You don't bother cleaning up the spilt food and blood on your foot, you don't bother opening a window to smoke your stolen cigarettes.

You bury your face into your knees and cry a deep, mournful cry.

Notes:

i want to hit amelia with hammers. anyways. we have fanart!!!! tysm ladkeyf ^_^ go give em some support!! anything that's ever been made for me is cherished forever btw. remember that ;]

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 26

Things were coming together quite nicely, everything finally settling back into place. Amelia had tried to push it down. To stop thinking about the inevitable because she'd been having such a nice time living with Salix and Lucia that she could barely imagine going back to her quiet, lonely apartment.

So she put it out of her mind, at least for the time being. She spent her days cuddled up a respectable distance from Lucia, though with time they would inch closer. Amelia never did it on purpose, she was far too scared, but she wasn't about to say anything and ruin the moment either.

When Lucia was out and she had some time off work, she'd sit on her bed and draw. It had been so, so long since she'd allowed herself to indulge in this hobby- her mother had tried so hard to squash it, to bully it out of her and it felt sort of like a guilty pleasure to be doing it now.

She drew characters from her childhood, she drew the view outside her window, and in the corner of her canvas, in a folder buried under many, many layers, she drew Lucia.

Not that Lucia would ever know, because she'd rather die than admit that she thought about the woman any more than was normal.

Any feelings that skewed from the unfamiliar but comforting ones of friendship were scary and not something Amelia was ready to explore. She'd gotten good at pushing things down by now, and there was no way Lucia would ever like her in...that way anyways.

It was good portrait practice, she'd tell herself, saving the Lucia sketches under the previous painting she'd been working on and shutting the lid of her laptop.

Moving her laptop and tablet off her bed, she lay down on her back and stared up at the ceiling, hands idly playing with the soft fabric of the blanket underneath her. Her hair fell across her shoulders, spilling onto the bed, the colour slowly fading. She needed to redye it soon, now that she had more energy to do so.

It felt like her energy had come back lately, more than it had in many, many years. She felt she could actually get up and do things, like she could look after herself because she knew that other people were looking out for her now. Other people who didn't want her to fall into another depression spiral. And god did she not want them to see what true rock bottom looked like for her, because it was worse than everything they'd already seen and that was embarrassing enough.

For once in her life she felt satisfied in a way never thought she would feel again. If her sixteen-year-old self could see her now... if she knew that she'd make it out to the other side.

Amelia blinked and shook her head, her chest constricting in a way that made her grit her teeth hard enough that it felt like they would shatter.

That little sixteen-year-old kid had no idea what was coming, and she deeply wished that her life hadn't ended up the way it had. Even though it felt like everything was a lot less scary now, she wouldn't wish what she'd gone through on anyone. She mourned her younger self in a way that made her want to sob if she thought too hard about it. So usually, she didn't.

The what-ifs of her childhood were too painful to bear most days. To think of what little things could've been changed, it wasn't a healthy way of thinking. If her mind was too set on the past, how the fuck was she supposed to look towards the future. The future she now had with people she could confidently call her friends.

And fuck if it didn't feel good to say she had friends. It was a little humiliating, to think that she'd spent so long alone that she barely knew what it felt like to have any. To think that she had always struggled to hold relationships like a normal person, it just didn't come naturally to her like it seemed to with everyone else.

Amelia's differences had always been her weakness, something her mother had tried to bully out of her, but with Salix and Lucia it felt like she could finally be herself.

God, she was getting sappy, she needed to shut this shit down immediately.

Rubbing at her eyes, Amelia sat up and made her way to the door, stretching as she went. There was a desk in Lucia's room but she still preferred to draw on the bed, pretzeled in a way that made her back and shoulders ache.

The TV was on in the living room as Salix cooked dinner, the smell of onions and garlic hit her nose, making her mouth water as she wandered closer.

Salix smiled at her as she poked her head into the kitchen, trying to rub at their eyes with their wrist as they cut more ingredients.

"Good to see you up and about" they mused lightly.

It was early afternoon but Amelia had spent the majority of the day in her room, letting herself sleep in because she didn't have work today. She blushed slightly at the light jab, stepping into the kitchen and offering to help take some of the load off Sal's cooking duties. It was an offer they couldn't deny, getting out the spare chopping board and a knife so Amelia could cut vegetables into little cubes.

Amelia took to the task with ease, tongue poking from her lips in concentration, wanting to do a good job for her friend.

When Salix spoke up again, Amelia jolted, knife swaying dangerously close to her fingers as she sliced a carrot in half,

"Your apartment's looking pretty much ready now" they were saying, "I believe all they need to do is run a few more tests on your pipes and it should be ready to move back into".

"Oh, that's great," Amelia said, trying and failing to sound enthusiastic.

Sure, she was forever grateful for the way Salix helped her sort out her apartment while she was sick, but...what if she left and they secretly hated her and never talked to her again??????

"I know it's going to be another big change" Salix cut through her anxious thoughts as if they knew she was having them, "but Lucia and I are gonna be there for you the entire time".

Amelia had thought that living alone had been the best possible option for her- she enjoyed her alone time perhaps a little more than the next person, but the company of people around her was a feeling she still reeled from. She yearned for it, she needed it to thrive.

But she couldn't stay at Salix and Lucia's apartment forever. She knew that going into it, and now she had to deal with it.

"It's nothing I can't handle" she replied after a thoughtful pause, "at least Lucia's getting her bed back".

The vegetables Salix had been chopping were thrown into the pot. They turned to lean their back against the counter to watch Amelia. She could feel their gaze on her back, it made her nervous but she wasn't sure why- like she couldn't turn around to face them because they'd instantly read her expression and ask what was wrong.

"It's not like you can't visit. And you'll see Lucia almost every day at work too".

"I know..." That didn't stop the tightness in her chest. It didn't reassure her the way it should.

"Well, we don't have to think about it now, can you help me finish this off and then we can take a break?"

The background noise of the TV, the faint sound of wind rushing past the windows, there was a frosty chill in the air that hadn't left for weeks. The threat of snow was there but it never came, instead more frequent rain which which turned any surviving frost to dirty, slippery slush.

Amelia chopped vegetables to the white noise of life going on around her. She was in the kitchen, the cold tile biting into her bare feet but otherwise warm in her hoodie and sweats. Salix was next to her, another warm presence. They worked in sync for a while, just enjoying each other's company, the stresses of life falling off their shoulders as they concentrated on the task before them.

It was domestic moments like this that Amelia would miss the most about leaving this apartment.

But for now, she needed to relax and enjoy what little time she had left here. She finished cooking with Salix and then went back to her room to put on some socks before joining them for a smoke on the fire escape.

They passed a blunt back and forth. The cold wind whipped Amelia's hair into her eyes and she shivered, swiping at it, her body still not used to the rapidly increasing coldness of the air. It went all the way down to her bones and made her teeth chatter as she brought the blunt to her lips and took a pull. 

Soon enough Lucia joined them, long after they'd finished smoking, riding out the faint high she'd managed to get and feeling pretty good about her life.

Later that evening they sat together and ate and Amelia watched Lucia's eyes light up as she took her first bite, a slew of compliments followed afterwards and Amelia couldn't help but stare at her lips.

As she lay in bed in her dark room and watched shadows dance across her walls as the sun set, Amelia finally knew what it felt like to live.

***

You're a loser. A freeloader. You aren't even sure why Lilith has let you stay for as long as she has because even you know that you're being insufferable. She should've thrown you back onto the streets long ago and the fact that she hasn't yet scares you.

Maybe she's just waiting for the right time. Strike you while you're down.

Maybe it's pity, only a thin thread keeping you here. The thought of leaving a kid on the streets, the guilt of leaving you to die.

She's asked you where you came from about a dozen times already and you refuse to answer. It wasn't really any of her business and if she tried to get in contact with your mother...that'd be the end for you. So you stay silent, glaring at her, leading her down false paths with no ends. Anything to hide the truth because you were far too scared to admit anything to a woman who now held the power of shelter over your head.

You hate it. You hate not being in control of your own life. You hate hearing her footsteps outside your door, the anxiety that comes with it, it freezes you in place. You can't leave your room if she's there, you won't allow yourself to do it.

She doesn't get angry with you. There's hesitance in her actions. You growl, you snarl, hackles raised in a constant state of aggression and she stands there and takes it and you hate it. She makes sure you eat, drink and bathe, doesn't leave you without dinner no matter how horrible you are to her.

It's awful, her pity. It makes you want to be worse, to run away. But it's winter now, far too cold for you to be outside on your own. You're still hurt.

So you deal with it, at least for now. You can make plans for the summer, to escape, maybe leave this town and find somewhere else. You will take the warmth of her apartment, the food on her table, but only with reluctance. Only with an air of distrust.

You're trapped in the spare room of her apartment even when she leaves for work. You sneak out only to steal cigs to smoke out your window and booze to help the time pass faster. Until one day you check and the booze is gone and the pack of smokes is empty and only then do you lay in bed and let yourself think about how far you've fallen.

Every day hurts, stuck in an endless cycle of waking up in fits, spending your days trapped in an apartment that you do not feel at home in.

Until one day a soft knock sounds at the door to your room. It makes you jump, the quiet air disturbed. You suddenly remember where you are and your face falls into a scowl.

"What?" you croak, voice scratchy, unused.

"Can I come in?"

You don't know why she bothers to ask. This is her apartment, she should be able to come and go as she pleases. What does your privacy matter when you don't do anything to prove you're even worthy of living here?

You heave your body off the bed and shuffle to the door, trying to look at least a little presentable from your day of wallowing. Lilith waits patiently on the other side, you're sure she can hear your shuffling.

When you open the door, you don't move to let the woman inside your room. Instead, you step out, nudging the door shut behind you. Even if you don't think yourself worthy of calling that space your room, it was still your space and you didn't want anyone to intrude on it if you could help it. Lilith doesn't seem to mind, she smiles that faint, awkward smile at you, the one you never return, and gestures for you to sit at the table.

There's a hot mug of coffee waiting for you at the table as you sit down. It's black. You didn't tell her this was your preference. A weird feeling settles in your chest.

Lilith sits down on the chair opposite you, stirring her own mug of coffee. She takes a sip, eyes flicking to you and then back down on the table. You tap your foot impatiently.

"You've been here for a few months now" she begins, tapping her finger on the table, "and I know you don't fully trust me but I only want what's best for you and I feel like making you stay here all day just isn't doing any good for you".

Your heart drops. That's it then. She's finally come to her senses and kicking you out. Your hands clench into fists to stop them from shaking, betrayal fills your lungs. Some sick sense of irony- you knew this was coming and yet you still feel betrayed in a way you can't quite name.

Lilith fills in your silence, her eyes focused on you and only you and yet you can't make eye contact, glaring at the table instead as you wait for the guillotine to drop.

"How would you feel about getting a job? At the mall on the other side of town, you know the one".

***

Amelia reached her hands to the ceiling in a stretch, trying to ease out the twinge in her shoulder from slouching behind the counter all day. Her break had been a quick smoke in the car park outside because Lucia had had to run errands for Eda and hadn't been able to hang out and she was perhaps a little grumpy about it.

She'd found herself getting closer to Lucia every time they hung out during their breaks at work. Lucia would often take the reigns of the conversation as usual, but lately she'd been talking a lot more about herself, which was nice to hear.

Most of the time it was just dumb things Eda had made her do, or random thoughts she'd had while on cashier duty, but sometimes she'd talk about her time at uni. It wasn't anything too deep or personal, mostly just shenanigans she and Sal had gotten up to during their stay in the dorms, or at parties, or messing around in class.

There was a hint of mourning that came with Lucia's words. Like that should've been her throwing notes at Salix across the lecture hall, it should've been her drinking with Salix in their dorm, getting complaints about music that was far too loud, being chased by security around campus giggling to each other as they hid behind bushes.

It hurt that it wasn't her, but she was also endlessly glad that Salix had found someone who truly and deeply cared about them the way Lucia did. The way she should've.

She sighed and scratched idly at her cheek. She needed to redo her nails, and her hair, and maybe trim it too while she was at it. So much to think about and all the time in the world to do it. She hadn't been taking care of herself for a while now, maybe it was time to finally give herself a little self care day.

Spending time with Salix and Lucia had significantly improved her mood but even then, she needed to take some extra time for herself. Maybe once she moved back into her own apartment she could do that, even if she was still dreading the day she'd have to leave her friends.

***

It was like time was flying by. Every day she curled up in Lucia's bed and dreaded waking up the next day because it was one step closer to her moving out. She knew she was being dramatic, that it wasn't the end of the world, but she'd gotten so used to this routine that this sudden and drastic change was making her anxious.

She tried to busy herself with work and hanging out with Sal and Lucia, burying down these feelings because they were dumb and she knew it. She didn't want to stress the others out any more than she already was so she kept quiet and continued to enjoy her time with them.

And then it came to the day where everything had been approved. Her heating was fixed, the mould scrubbed off the walls, and everything was perfect. All she needed to do was gather up her clothes and other various items she'd brought with her and catch a ride back to her apartment with Salix and Lucia.

She tried not to drag her feet as she bundled up all her freshly laundered clothes and stuffed them into a backpack she was borrowing off of Salix. She figured she could fold them once she was at her apartment so she could put them in their respective drawers. Not that she cared too much about the neatness of her packing, she just wanted an excuse to stay in Lucia's room for as long as she could.

Lucia poked her head around the door to her stuffing a shirt into the bag.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, stepping into the room to watch Amelia scowl at the steadily declining pile of clothes on the carpet, amused. She had a bag in one hand.

"I'm fine".

"I'm gonna miss you, you know".

Amelia felt her face warm up. "Aren't you glad you got your bed back?"

"Well, yeah, a little bit" Lucia admitted, scratching the back of her neck, smoothing down her hair. "But I enjoy the extra company I guess".

"Salix not enough for you?"

"Sal is more than enough" she grinned, chuckling, "but...it's just been so long since I've connected with someone else on a personal level, y'know?"

Amelia did know. She knew that feeling intimately, those were words she had thought but not dared to speak for fear of rejection. It felt endlessly good to hear them coming from Lucia's mouth.

"Yeah...." she didn't know how to reply to that without breaking down into tears.

Lucia cleared her throat, cheeks dark. She looked away for a moment and then once she made eye contact with Amelia again, there was a steely resolve in her gaze. It made Amelia's stomach flip flop, almost like she was about to throw up.

"Just, don't be a stranger, okay? You have my number now so...feel free to text me whenever".

Amelia had never once texted Lucia apart from when she'd initially gotten her number to make sure she'd got it right. She hadn't really had a need to, being with Lucia most of the time anyways. Lucia had texted her, though. Just little things, like telling her if she couldn't make it to their shared work breaks or what she was making for dinner that evening. Amelia was gonna miss that a lot.

"I will. I'll uh...miss you too" it sounded forced in Amelia's ears even though she knew it to be genuine. She'd never really been the best at conveying tone.

But still, Lucia smiled, her eyes warmed. She looked pleased, perhaps a little relieved. Amelia had no idea why, losing someone like her probably didn't mean much to anyone else but Lucia obviously still wanted her in her life.

"You should text me once you've settled back in," Lucia said, crouching down and setting the bag she'd been holding onto the floor. "But uh. I got you a...housewarming gift?? Apartmentwarming? Heheh, I guess that's what they did to your apartment, huh?" she cut her rambling short with a little shake of her head, trying to stay on the subject. "Here you go!"

A box was placed into Amelia's hands before she could react to the word vomit she was still trying to process.

She turned it over and her heart sped up, the breath caught in her throat. She stared at it as if it were about to disappear the next time she blinked.

It was a box of hair dye the exact colour she needed to redo the green.

"How did you find this????" she asked, disbelief clear in her voice.

Lucia blushed even darker. "It took a while. It was actually meant to be like, a get well soon gift but I didn't realise how hard it'd be to find the exact colour. Not to mention the fact that it had already started to fade from your hair. But I got it, didn't I? That's the right one?"

"This is the one" Amelia confirmed.

"Thank god, I was worried for a second," Lucia perked up, "I remember you saying that your mail gets stolen back at your apartment so I figured you could order the dye to here instead and I can give it to you at work or something. Only if you want of course!"

"You'd do that? Wouldn't that be annoying?"

"Nope! Sal and I are more than happy to get your mail sent our way as long as you warn us beforehand".

Amelia felt like she was about to crumble to dust. She took in a deep breath and tried to blink away the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. She sniffled and set the box down beside her, unable to look at Lucia in fear of breaking down.

"Thanks. This means a lot. Sorry, I'm not good at....this-"

"It's okay! Want me to take down some bags for you?"

"Yeah, thanks".

And then she was gone again. Just like that.

Amelia rubbed her eyes and put the box carefully into one of the pockets of the backpack. She finished stuffing the rest of her clothes into the main part and struggled to zip it up and sling it onto her shoulder.

She took one last look around Lucia's room and tried not to get too upset. This wasn't the last time she would be in here, she knew that deep down. But she still felt nostalgic about her time in here, the good and the bad. It'd be so lonely back at her apartment.

It wasn't good to stay here any longer than she needed to. Amelia sighed and exited the room, closing the door softly behind her. Salix was waiting for her in the living room to take her down to the car where Lucia was. 

"I'm glad to see you're getting better, Amelia," they said as she hovered behind them as they locked the door, "please keep looking after yourself. You deserve a good life".

"Thank you. For everything. I'm so glad we could reconnect, even if it was the way we did".

Salix huffed a laugh. "Yeah, me too".

They nudged her affectionately and they started walking to the elevator. Amelia thought about the gentle friendly touches that Salix had given her during her time here and a happy warmth spread across her chest. They'd always been so good to her, even when she didn't deserve it.

Lucia was in the driver's seat once they reached the ground floor. She was parked just outside, engine running as she checked something on her phone. At Amelia's arrival, she grinned and opened the door.

"You want me to sit in the front?" she asked, confused.

"Only if you want to!" there was that blush again.

Amelia glanced back at Salix and her old friend just nodded and slipped into the back, gently taking the bag off Amelia's shoulder to place it with the others as Amelia buckled herself in.

The drive was filled with conversation, Lucia had turned on some music and was tapping along to it on the steering wheel as she drove. Amelia tried to fight the overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry. She stayed quiet for the most part and the others seemed to sense that she didn't really want to speak. They were always so thoughtful...

Her dingy grey apartment building came into view and she knew the main source of her happiness was about to leave. Not forever. But she'd still need to pick herself back up now that she was living alone again.

The car slowed to a stop and Lucia turned it off. They helped Amelia pick up her bags and followed her inside the building.

It was cold outside, which Amelia had already accounted for, but fuck was it cold in the main lobby. Her breath billowed out in front of her and she could hear Lucia complaining behind her, swearing under her breath.

But that was normal. If people didn't routinely walk around the lobby then they didn't need to heat it. At least she knew that her apartment would be warm.

She wasn't used to the amount of stairs it took to get to her apartment, her legs ached once she reached her floor, trying not to show the others how out of breath she was. It was only a short walk to her apartment, she had to shift the bags in her arms to get to her keys once she reached her door, hesitating to slot the key into the lock.

When the door opened she was greeted by a blast of hot air and it felt so strange to feel warmth coming from her apartment that she took a step back.

It was as clean as the day Salix had taken her back here, the low hum of working heaters filled the room with a comfortable warmth. There was a new throw on the back of her sofa, cushions that she'd never had before. She set the bags she'd been holding down and started to walk around, slipping her jacket off and running her hands over the radiator.

"Your hot water is working too" Salix spoke up, dropping their own bags down.

"What can I ever do to thank you guys. Seriously, you've done so much for me I feel like I owe you".

"You don't owe us anything," Salix said.

"How about you host next week's movie night?" Lucia suggested. Salix thwacked her on the back of the head.

"Let her settle in-"

"No!!! It's okay! I'd love to do that for you guys".

"I mean- if you're offering???"

"I am!!"

And then it was settled. More plans were made to see Sal and Lucia and Amelia was already excited about it.

It wasn't long before Salix and Lucia left her to settle in. A sense of loneliness crept over Amelia as the door was shut and she was once again left to her own devices. But instead of dwelling on it, she began to take the bags into her room to unpack her clothes.

As she opened the first bag and started taking out clothes, an unfamiliar bundle of fabric fell out of the pile.

Amelia picked it up and it unravelled to reveal a large hoodie she knew she didn't own. She brought it to her nose and her heartbeat picked up, a pleasant tingling sensation spread where her skin was touching the soft fabric.

It smelt like citrus.

Notes:

the freeloader has finally left sal and lucias apartment 🙄

Chapter 27

Being alone was something Amelia had thought she'd gotten used to after spending years inside this apartment, going back and forth from work, the only thing keeping her going being the routine she'd ingrained in her mind.

That routine was still there. But it was different.

She woke up at the usual time, her alarm making her jolt out of a somewhat pleasant sleep. She rolled over to shut it off and check her phone before she ran out of time and had to force herself out of bed.

This was normal. This was routine.

She squinted down at her phone, cheek smushed against her pillow, sleepy eyes still trying to adjust to being awake. She had several new message notifications- all from Lucia.

This was new.

She couldn't help the blossoming warmth in her chest as she turned onto her back and opened the messages. Lucia had kept her word about keeping in contact, more than Amelia ever thought she would. She figured Lucia would only text her if she needed something- for her to host movie nights, or something work-related, but it turned out that that hadn't been the case at all.

It was good morning and good night messages every day. It was Lucia showing her silly memes she'd found, asking if she was coming in for work, if they could meet up for lunch. It warmed Amelia's heart.

This time it was a good morning message followed by a little update on how life at the apartment was going now that Amelia wasn't living there.

I miss having breakfast with you.

Fuck. That hit deep in a way she had no way to articulate. Those cold mornings huddled on the sofa, nibbling at a breakfast that had been lovingly made by the only people she could call her friends, she'd taken them for granted. They'd been taken from her only when she'd begun to realise just how special they'd been to her.

She desperately wanted to text back something like I miss you. Every day I wake up alone, I mourn what I'd had being in your company every second of every day. But that was cheesy so she set her phone down and sat up instead.

It was a usual work day for Amelia, several days after moving back into her apartment. She swallowed down the achy yearning in her chest as she stretched her arms to the ceiling and gathered some clothes to change into for the day.

As she found a fresh shirt and jeans, she shuffled into the living room, to peek through the curtains at the blue light of dawn to gauge just what the weather would be like for her walk down to the mall. It looked to be dry but the same bone-chilling cold that it had persistently been these past couple days. That was fine, she had layers.

It was cold in her apartment because she didn't want to turn the heating on til she was back home in the evening, but she could still have a refreshing hot shower before work to hopefully wake her up a bit more. She silently thanked Salix for all the work they'd done as she slipped into the bathroom and set about her usual shower routine. When she stepped into the warm stream, she felt a spark of productiveness she usually wouldn't feel if it had been her old, much colder showers.

She washed thoroughly, feeling clean and refreshed once she stepped out to dry herself off and change. Stepping in front of the mirror to brush her teeth, she stared at herself, toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. She looked...better. No the healthiest, with dark circles under her eyes like bruises that never seemed to go away, but better all things considered.

It was amazing what a little love could do to a person.

After brushing her teeth, she decided to put on some light makeup. Amelia had never been into heavier makeup, mostly because she'd tried it before to hide the acne on her face as a teen and had immediately gotten sensory overload and became even more of an asshole than she usually was. Her mother had tried to encourage it, to hide all the blemishes on her face, but after that first time, she had outright refused. Perhaps that was one of the reasons she'd had so much turmoil with her mother in the past- over something as stupid and little as makeup.

She still enjoyed eyeliner though. She liked how it looked, how it could be changed and stylised and it didn't make her want to rip her own skin off.

It had been a while since she'd worn it. Staying with Lucia and Sal, too sick to get further than the living room and unable to work until a week or so ago, she'd put off trying to look good for anyone. But now that she was back, she could put effort into herself.

The morning after the first day she'd moved back in, she'd put on her eyeliner for the first time in months for work, and Lucia had done a double take when she'd seen her. Amelia had no idea if that had been a good or bad thing until later on that day, Lucia had texted her, complimenting her on her makeup and it had made her feel so good, she had decided to do it ever since.

Not that she was trying to impress Lucia or anything. That was dumb.

It was just- if she could do something that clearly made Lucia happy, then why wouldn't she do it? She owed Lucia so much and she wanted nothing more than for the woman to be happy, to see how grateful Amelia was for her help.

She grabbed her bundle of clothes as she stepped out of the bathroom and set them back down on her bed. She'd been wearing the hoodie Lucia had...let her borrow almost nonstop for the past few days. Mostly as a comfort thing, she'd tell herself, no other reason.

It needed to be washed, but Amelia knew that she wouldn't be able to let it go until the scent of Lucia's citrus body wash had faded from the fabric. Falling asleep with the smell of Lucia in her nose had made most of her nightmares go away and if she could keep it like that for as long as possible, she would. She folded the hoodie and set it neatly by her pillow to change back into after work.

Breakfast had never been something she'd indulge in, especially before work, but with the routine Lucia and Salix had made her fall into while staying at their apartment, she found herself hungry for at least something to snack on.

She didn't have much, only what could be salvaged from the mouldy mess most of the food she'd brought before she'd gotten sick had turned into, and the few groceries Lucia and Sal had picked up for her, but she could make do with what she had.

Lucia had made her buy bread, pasta, rice and oats, things that she could make quick, easy and filling meals out of if she didn't have the energy to make anything too big. She could make herself some oats, but she'd forgotten to pick up milk, and lacked the fillings to make sandwiches too.

She wasn't very good at this.

Maybe she could get something on the way to the mall, she figured. Or....

The cigarette pack sat invitingly on the kitchen counter. It was her usual 'breakfast' because smoking made any hunger she'd feel vanish immediately. It was a pretty efficient way to tide her over til lunch, even if she knew everyone around her wouldn't approve of it. But she was living alone again, and she could do what she wanted. And so, she picked up the pack and pattered around the kitchen in search of a lighter.

She felt bad lighting up a cig in her apartment so she sat by the window and felt a little sad and nostalgic as she took her first drag and blew smoke into the cold morning air. She shivered and stewed and felt worse and worse with each pull until she blinked back tears and dropped the filter down onto the streets below.

Sniffling, wiping her eyes, she took out another cigarette.

***

The mall was quiet when she walked in, the door swinging shut behind her. Her footsteps echoed all around her, making her ears ring.

It was still early enough that barely any people were nearby, just the usual workers who barely spared her a glance as she walked past. No one really talked to each other here, and it was something Amelia was grateful for. She had never understood or enjoyed small talk.

With her hands buried in her jacket pockets, playing with the loose bits of filter paper and receipts she had yet to throw away, she felt a sense of nervousness as she rounded the corner coming up to Claire's, where she knew Lucia would be nearby.

This seemed to happen a lot now. This nervousness that she felt around Lucia. It wasn't a bad nervousness, like she wanted to run away, to get out as soon and as far as possible. It was...a different, unique feeling. Like something was in her stomach, halfway between excitement and the cusp of nausea. It was hard to explain.

Her hands felt sweaty as she arrived at Claire's and started her usual routine of opening the store and setting up everything she needed. It was ingrained in her brain at this point after doing it for so long. A quick peek in the backroom to toss her jacket on a hook told her that Lilith hadn't been to the store yet, and that she'd probably be there around lunchtime, which was normal. 

As she opened the door to exit the backroom, she almost walked into Lucia, bumping into her chest with a soft oof and feeling two hands land on her shoulders to pull her away.

"Sorry!" Lucia said, lips quirked upwards into a smile showing off her teeth. "I thought you heard me call your name".

"Oh," Amelia blinked. She'd been too in the zone of doing her job that she hadn't heard anyone say anything. "My bad".

"No it's fine" came the easy reply, stopping Amelia's guilt spiral before it had even had a chance to begin. "I just wanted to see how you were doing, you didn't reply to my text this morning".

Amelia usually replied with a good morning text of her own, once she'd showered and had time to wake up and form coherent sentences. But she supposed she'd been too busy indulging in past habits to text back.

The guilt came back. She felt bad about smoking, she felt bad about not eating breakfast and she felt bad about not being able to open her mouth and spill everything to Lucia.

But Lucia just looked happy and relieved that she was okay. She didn't push on why she hadn't texted back, she just squeezed Amelia's shoulder in that friendly way she usually did. The way that made Amelia's skin tingle, and carried on with the conversation.

Amelia closed to door fully and Lucia followed her to the counter, chattering away. As she sat behind it, Lucia leaned forward to rest her arms on the worn wood, messing with one of the displays as she spoke. 

"So you're still happy to host movie night this weekend?" she asked, playing with one of the scrunchies.

"Of course," Amelia said, watching Lucia from the corner of her eye.

"Cool! I just wanted to make sure I wasn't pressuring you when I asked the other day" Lucia dropped the scrunchie to tap at the counter instead. "I don't wanna come off as like, annoying or overwhelming or anything!"

"You know I don't think that".

"I...yeah".

Lucia started bouncing her leg, clearing her throat and scratching at the back of her head under her beanie. She stood up and looked down at Amelia, her eyes wide, full of an emotion Amelia could not even begin to decipher.

"I should go".

"Oh, okay" she tried to swallow down her disappointment.

"Meet up for lunch?" there was a tinge of hopefulness, but also fear. Amelia couldn't understand why her tone had shifted so suddenly, she felt sick.

"Yeah, of course".

Lucia nodded and walked off without another word. Amelia watched her go, her chest felt tight.

She didn't know what Lucia had been thinking and that was the most infuriating part. Had she said something???? Had she been too offputting?? Had Lucia finally realised how much of a loser she was?

Unfortunately, she was too much of a coward to ask.

Lunch had come and gone without any indication that anything was off. Lucia had still perked up, she had smiled and talked and offered to buy Amelia her favourite coffee from the cafe they usually went to on their breaks. Whatever had been on Lucia's mind had clearly gone, but Amelia couldn't help but dwell on it for longer than she probably needed to.

She tended to do that- to overthink to a rather dangerous degree. What she had right now was good, and she didn't need her brain to mess that up for her. She just told it to shut the fuck up and enjoy her time spent with Lucia.

***

As a young child, you had always craved your mother's attention and affection. You remember being small, so small you couldn't even see over the kitchen counter, babbling at your mother that you wanted to help cook so she could see how good a job you'd do and then maybe, just maybe, you'd get a hug or a kiss or...something.

You'd use your little hand to feel around on the counter, unable to see what you were grabbing but wanting something. Anything.

Often, your mother would move your hand away. At first, it hadn't been hard, just a little shove before you got yourself hurt, but as you persisted, it'd become a slap, and then a hit, and then she'd turn to face you, face twisted in annoyance and you'd smile up at her because she was looking at you and that was new and exciting!!! And then she'd grab you and roughly pull you out of the kitchen and you'd fall and look up and her and wonder what you'd done wrong. Your skin would tingle where she'd held it, and even though you were still too young to recognise what was happening to you, you craved that feeling.

You'd often chase any affection that was given to you. Any contact with your mother was good contact in your eyes because she'd often ignore you, pretend you weren't even there. But you quickly learnt that if you were persistent, if you were always near her, you'd eventually get a reaction out of her. And that had been enough.

It had never worked with your father. You had vague memories of him holding you when you were very, very young, but one day he must've put you down and then forgotten about you because you're pretty sure he never spoke to you or acknowledged you apart from one-word answers and brief glances ever again. He never touched you or held you, but he never hit you either. He just...wasn't there.

He gave attention to your siblings, though. Both your parents did.

You loved your siblings, but even that couldn't stop the resentment that built up over the years.

When you'd run away, you had hoped that your parents wouldn't blame it or take it out on your siblings. You hoped that they'd realise what they'd lost and take that into consideration when raising your siblings. It hadn't mattered what happened to you as long as your siblings were okay.

That sentiment had never left you. It had festered and turned into something else. Something harsh, like an infected wound that you could never heal.

No matter how kind Lilith was, you could not crave her affection as you had with your mother.

Lilith was not your mother.

You hated Lilith.

Her offer hung in your mind like a noose.

You'd gotten angry at her. Possibly more angry than you'd ever been with the woman. You hadn't meant to, but you were scared. The power she held over you scared you and her offer had just solidified in your head that you had no choice but to follow what she wanted you to do if you wanted a roof over your head.

Whatever she was trying to do, it felt like she was trapping you. It felt like you had no choice but to say yes.

And so you'd done what you'd always done when you were scared. You fought back.

...

You're sitting in your room crying. You can hear Lilith sweeping the mess you'd made outside. You're ugly crying with tears rolling down your cheeks, snot leaking from your nose, and you don't even care if she can hear it because you're so, so tired. You're tired and scared and you to die you want to die so fucking badly.

You hate how you can't do anything right. You know you're overreacting but it's hard to clear the thoughts from your mind when you're spiralling like this. It makes you want to scream. Why are you so fucking pathetic?

It takes you two days to get up off the floor and leave your room. You haven't eaten, haven't responded to Lilith's knocks, telling you that there's food for you in the kitchen. You don't understand why she's still feeding you after all that you've done.

It makes you feel even worse.

***

When the weekend finally hit, Amelia found herself excited for the break from work and the chance to hang out with Lucia and Salix. She would've thought she'd get burnt out from seeing them every day for months straight but she found herself missing those times when she caught herself doing chores alone in her apartment.

Lucia's hoodie had started to lose its citrussy smell slowly as the week had gone by, but Amelia had still been hesitant to wash it. But, she did need to do some laundry, so she supposed she could do it and give it back later when Lucia was over, as much as she didn't want to do that.

She sat against the cold wall in the cold basement, missing the warmth of Lucia's hoodie as she watched the clothes spin in the washer and texted her friends. She stared at her phone, ignoring the way the cold bit into her skin as she waited for a response. Texting them was a good distraction from the boredom of waiting for her laundry to finish. It stopped her from going back up to her apartment and smoking- the itch in her throat was back.

Lucia was asking what time they should leave and Amelia, trying not to sound desperate to see her, suggested in a few hours time. As much as she wanted to see her friends again as soon as possible, she did want to tidy her apartment up a bit. If they came over and saw that she was living in filth again, she was sure that they'd get mad at her.

She'd done a decent job of keeping things clean so far, at least that's what she thought. Cleaning up as she went was the best way to go, not leaving dishes in the sink, making sure all her dirty laundry was in one place so she could clean it regularly, that sort of thing. She tried to think back on what Lucia and Sal did at their apartment, using them as a reference for what was deemed normal.

They'd suggested getting takeout during their movie night, but Amelia still felt obligated to put out some sort of food anyways. She'd grabbed some snacky things on the way back from work on Friday as well as some fun drinks. She may have also rolled a few fresh blunts, but that was more for herself than anything else...

She'd tried to cut back on the weed, mostly for Lucia and Salix. She didn't want them to worry about her, but it was difficult, even if she'd almost gone cold turkey for a few weeks while she was sick. The headaches and the shaking weren't worth it, but she was not going to get high before her friends came round. She could at least do that.

After washing and drying her laundry, she bundled it all up and started to slow trek back up to her apartment where she could rest until it was time to set up the snacks and movie. She had planned when to do everything and what time to do it- not wanting to keep Lucia and Sal waiting for anything in case they changed their minds and wanted to leave.

Except, she'd perhaps planned a little too thoroughly and found herself pacing her living room with forty-five minutes to kill and nothing to do.

It was an excruciating wait, not being able to do anything between the time she'd finished all her chores and the time her friends were due to arrive. She sat by the door, messing about on her phone, sneaking a few snacks and getting up to pace back and forth.

When she finally heard a knock, she almost collapsed in relief, opening the door almost as soon as the person on the other side had stopped knocking and throwing it open, trying not to seem too enthusiastic.

"Hi!" she said causally.

Salix looked down at her, amusement on their face. She made eye contact for a few beats before breaking away, face warm as she stepped aside to let them in.

"We got ciders!!!" Lucia grinned, immediately matching her energy.

Amelia couldn't help but smile at her, "I have um. Weed. If you want any..."

She shut the door and watched Sal and Lucia settle into her apartment with ease. Lucia set the ciders down next to the coffee table, where her laptop had been set up to watch the movie since she didn't exactly have a TV, and collapsed onto the sofa, sighing as she sank into it.

Amelia knew her apartment was not as cosy as theirs. She almost felt bad about it, like there was something she could've done to fix this- but she knew that she needed to calm down and enjoy the moment. Lucia and Salix had come here to see her, not for any other reason. They wanted to spend time with her.

"Let's leave the smoking til after dinner," Salix said as they sat next to Lucia. Amelia nodded wordlessly and wandered over to the sofa.

They went back to their usual routine of snacking and arguing over what to eat for dinner and what movie to watch out of the list they'd come up with. As always, Amelia didn't care what they did, just enjoying the company of her friends after a week of trying to get used to living by herself again. She mourned what she'd had, if only because she didn't have any time to feel bad about herself if there were other people nearby who so clearly loved her as Salix and Lucia did.

When the war ended and Lucia came out victorious, food was ordered and a movie was found and they quietened down to crack open their drinks and watch while they waited for food.

Amelia was sat in the middle this time, feeling a little overheated from the warmth coming from either side of her. She sat with her legs dangling off the sofa, hands in her lap, tapping against her thigh as she tried to focus on the movie and the warm feeling she got from spending time with her friends. But it was hard when Lucia shifted, bringing her legs up onto the sofa, leaning into Amelia. She looked up at Lucia when their legs made contact and Lucia smiled a tiny, wary smile, a question.

Is this okay?

Amelia smiled and leaned further into her.

Yes, this is perfect.

Lucia's face turned red and she looked away and Amelia was left reeling in her own confused feelings.

Notes:

hiiii happy pride month :3 giggles and kicks my feet

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 28

As the sun set and dinner was finished, plates set off to the side, empty cans surrounding the coffee table and another movie just beginning to play, Amelia felt herself drift in and out of the happy little daze she'd found herself in. It wasn't the booze (maybe a little bit), it wasn't even the food coma was had almost brought herself into after eating dinner, it was just the joy of being around Lucia and Salix that made her want to curl up into a little ball and stay this way forever. Preserve what she had at this moment for the rest of eternity.

She was getting sappy. That, she blamed on the ciders, because she knew sober Amelia would never willingly and outwardly show affection like this. Yeah.

Lucia was on one side of her, not as close as she would've liked, but their legs were pressed together comfortably making her feel all warm and fuzzy inside every time one of them shifted to get closer to the other. Salix, on her other side, was allowing her to lean on them, one arm slung over the back of the sofa and a calm little smile on their face.

It felt just like old times. Except they weren't dumb kids with a dream anymore. A lot of shit had happened. And yet...they'd found each other again; just like Amelia had always hoped but had been too down on herself ever to believe to be real.

She considered herself lucky that she was even alive to reunite with Salix, but she didn't like to dwell on that too much, all things considering.

There was always part of her mind that made her want to get closer to the both of them, tangle all their limbs together into one big cuddle pile, surrounded by the warmth of her friends, listening to the rise and fall of their breaths, their steady heartbeats that told her that they were alive. That she was alive. But asking was scary, what if they said no? What if they thought she was being too needy????

Not worth it, she told herself.

***

Part-way through the next movie, Amelia started getting antsy. It was hard to sit still and focus for long periods of time, and even though she was enjoying the movie she knew she needed to get up and walk around a little bit.

She shuffled forward and Lucia hummed a sleepy question, wondering where she was going.

"Gonna go smoke a bit, you don't have to pause the movie for me," Amelia said over her shoulder as she stood up to grab her tin from the coffee table.

"Not in the apartment" Salix said from her other side, raising an eyebrow at her, "I already had to scrub the stains off the wall once, if you want any chance of getting your deposit back after all this, you better go downstairs".

Amelia frowned, feeling guilty, but before she could think too much about it, they waved her off.

"I'll come with you!" Lucia was already sitting up, "I need a bit of fresh air I think. You gonna come too?" she directed that last part at Salix.

Salix looked between them and shot Lucia a smirk. Lucia glared at them, face warm, and left to go find her jacket.

"Nah" they got comfy on the sofa, bringing their legs up fully onto it, resting on the warm spots Lucia and Amelia had left. "I'll stay here. Not really feeling like smoking today".

"Don't eat all the snacks" Lucia huffed, still a little red as she slung on her jacket.

Amelia watched them interact curiously, eyes darting between them.

It was obvious they were close, from what she'd seen during her stay at their apartment and the little tidbits of information she'd gotten of their shared past. She remembered being slightly jealous of their closeness at first, a tug at her chest that told her that she would never be like them, she'd never be like that with anyone.

In a way, she still thought that. Part of her wished she'd never left, if only to say that she was as close to Salix as Lucia was to them now.

It was a dumb thought, she knew Salix loved her, even if they'd been apart for a long time now. But...what they'd had as kids, it felt long gone now. And she was still trying to process it all, mourn it in a way.

"You ready?" she blinked and made eye contact with Salix. They raised their brows in a silent question.

Are you okay?

Amelia didn't know the answer to that question. She stared at the floor, then at Lucia waiting by the door, and finally back at her oldest friend.

"See you in a bit," she said quietly as she turned back to walk over to Lucia.

Salix didn't respond but she could feel their eyes on her back as she retreated to the door. She unlocked it and held it open for Lucia.

They found themselves in the cold, grey hallway as Amelia shut the door but didn't bother locking back up since they'd be coming back soon anyways. Even though her apartment building was kinda sketchy, her neighbours always kept to themselves, and that was something she was grateful for.

She led the way downstairs, not needing to look back to know Lucia was following her. She could see her breath come up in billows as she descended the stairway, the scuffed concrete steps were firm under her feet, her boot steps echoed in her ears.

Amelia had come up and down these stairs more times than she could remember. But it had always been alone. It had always been with a heavy feeling in her chest- of loneliness, of anger, of...of so, so many things.

And now here she was. Letting people into her apartment, sharing her smokes with them, letting them in. In on her life, her feelings, her emotions, for the most part.

They reached the ground floor and exited the building. It was evening, the sky a dark grey and full of clouds. She could smell rain in the air as she led Lucia around the building to a little alley just off to the side.

It was messy, a dumpster right at the back that was overflowing with trash bags. Dropped cigarette filters, empty containers, boxes so covered in mould and grime that they barely resembled cardboard anymore.

"This town sure is unique!" Lucia said cheerfully, eyeing a half-eaten decaying box of what was once some sort of pastry.

"It's horrible".

"No! I think it has its charm".

Amelia bit back a smile as she focused on lighting up her blunt, facing away from the wind so that it wouldn't blow out immediately. Lucia was standing next to her, facing the wind, and watching as she clicked her lighter on a few times before sticking the blunt in her mouth and holding it to the flame.

"Are you sure we're not gonna like, get the cops called on us for this?" Lucia asked as Amelia took a pull and felt her shoulders instantly relax.

"No" she breathed out, smoke passing through her lips. She didn't notice Lucia glancing away nervously. "No one gives a shit if they smell weed here. The people here don't tend to tell on each other".

"Oh, cool!" Lucia perked up a bit at that. "At uni, one of the people on our floor got kicked out for smoking in their dorm. I always thought it was a little harsh".

"What? Like, no warning or anything?"

Lucia shook her head, "Nah. It might've been the catalyst to something bigger, I don't know. I don't think I ever really saw the guy".

Amelia hummed and passed the blunt to Lucia after taking another drag, leaning against the wall and looking up at the sky.

"What was it like?"

"Hm?"

She tilted her head and startled when she noticed Lucia looking curiously at her. Those deep brown eyes, darkened in the low lighting of the evening until she could barely see the little traces of amber she liked so much. She turned her head away.

"University. What was it like living in accommodation?"

"What? You never went?"

Amelia shook her head, glaring at her boots.

"Oh huh," Lucia looked at the blunt and took a tentative pull. She held it in her mouth for a few seconds before coughing most of it out. She rolled her eyes as Amelia snickered at her.

"It was exciting" Lucia spoke as the blunt was passed back to Amelia. "It was my first time living away from home. That tends to be the case for most people".

Amelia thought back to her plans to run away with Salix and live with them. She knew that her experiences were not the same as the vast majority, but it had been something she'd always dreamed of. She knew she could never go to school without her parents breathing down her neck, which was why she had never entertained the idea.

Not that she had any chance of that now.

"I was terrified too, I guess" Lucia continued, snapping Amelia out of her thoughts. "I was already independent, but back then I had someone who needed me so I didn't really think about myself much. And then I moved out and that was all I had to worry about. It was...it made me reflect on a lot of things, I think".

"I get that" Amelia mumbled, staring at the sky as the clouds darkened and grew, "I guess I didn't really look out for myself for a long time after I...moved out, though. I just kinda- I wasn't in a good place".

Words were hard. She hated thinking about how she'd been. With Lilith and Eda, but also how she'd treated herself. It had been her fault she'd gotten so sick, it had been her fault she'd almost pushed away the people who cared about her.

"Duh," Lucia joked, nudging Amelia out of her spiral and taking the blunt out of her hand, "of course you weren't in a good place if you ended up here".

Amelia sniffled, and then let out a laugh that sounded dangerously like a sob. "Yeah" her voice sounded weak in her ears. "Yeah".

"Well, we have each other now!" Lucia nudged her again. "I like spending time with you, it makes me happy".

"Really?"

"Of course! I sorta miss not seeing you every day at our apartment...."

"I-um" Amelia had heard similar sentiments over text, but hearing it out loud made her feel an entirely different way. She stuttered over her words for a few seconds, unsure of how to even react to such a confession, but landing on a simple question.

"Why?"

Lucia looked taken aback. "Because you're fun to be around?"

"I don't think that's true" Amelia's voice was small, unsure.

"That's because you're always so down on yourself. Sal and I love having you around, we wouldn't have let you stay if we didn't".

"Well yeah, but-"

Amelia was unable to finish whatever self-deprecating thought was on the tip of her tongue, because as soon as she opened her mouth, she breathed in a trail of smoke that Lucia had blown at her.

Their faces were incredibly close.

Lucia's eyes were dark, mouth parted ever so slightly. Not that she was looking.

She could smell Lucia's breath, a mix of smoke with traces of the fruity cider they'd been drinking earlier. She could see the little blemishes on Lucia's face, faint traces of freckles, little notches in her skin that told stories of her past.

"Um," she said intelligently.

"I don't like it when you're down on yourself" Lucia mumbled, voice low.

Amelia's heart trembled in her chest. She felt like she was going to pass out any second.

Lucia pulled back and she felt the panic dissipate into something she didn't dare name.

"Sorry," Lucia coughed, scratching at the back of her neck. "I um- yeah. I just want you to be happy".

"I'm trying," Amelia stuttered, it took everything in her not to turn away from the intense eye contact Lucia was giving her. Something was searching in those dark eyes. "You help".

"That's all I want. To help" Lucia's shoulders relaxed a fraction, her lips quirking into a small, goofy smile. The intensity had subsided but was still there, lingering in the back. It made Amelia nervous. "I care about you".

"And I can never thank you enough for it".

I care about you too. I care so much it makes my chest hurt, it makes me never want you to leave ever again. I can't stand not being around you.

Unspoken words. But the feeling was still there, she could tell Lucia knew by the way her smile brightened.

***

They trudged back up the stairs to Amelia's apartment at a much slower pace. Lucia had started to sway and giggle and Amelia had decided that perhaps it was time to put out the blunt and make sure she got back to Salix in one piece.

It had been nice, though. The conversation they'd had. It had put to rest a lot of Amelia's anxieties, at least for the time being. It made her feel more fulfilled in a way, like whatever she was doing now was the right thing and that she needed to keep doing it if she wanted to be happy.

And...she did. She did want to be happy if it included Lucia being happy with her.

When they arrived back at her apartment, Salix was still exactly where they'd left them, lounging on the sofa watching a different movie, a bowl of crisps resting on their chest as they idly snacked on them. They turned their head to smile at them as they entered, moving so that Lucia could fall onto the sofa beside them. She flopped down, her long limbs sprawled out as she rested against Salix's arm and closed her eyes.

"She doesn't smoke much," Salix told Amelia, amused. "Her tolerance is pretty low".

Amelia nodded and silently scurried off to grab her a glass of water and when she arrived back a few moments later, Sal had started to feed her the crisps, hoping to wake her up a little bit from her drowsy state. She passed over the water and sat on the floor between the sofa and coffee table as Salix helped her drink some.

"We should probably head out soon" Sal yawned, setting the half-empty glass back down.

"Oh right," it had gotten a lot darker, Amelia had watched the sun set fully behind the clouds as Lucia babbled when they were smoking outside. She hadn't realised how late it was now, though. Even she could feel herself lagging.

"I'll order a cab if you can watch Lucia for a sec?"

Amelia nodded, intent on doing a good job to make sure Lucia was okay.

Salix stood up and walked a little ways away to make the call and Amelia took their place, sitting in their warm spot on the sofa.

Lucia looked up at her and smiled. It was calm, open, her eyes looked so trusting, like Amelia could no wrong.

"I like you".

Amelia's face felt warm. She allowed Lucia to rest her head on her shoulder, her finger twitched, itching to course through Lucia's soft brown curls.

"I like you too" Amelia mumbled, and fought back a smile when Lucia made a happy noise in the back of her throat.

God, it must be the weed making Amelia feel like this. All sappy and soft and sweet. How disgusting.

"I'm glad" the vocal fry in Lucia's voice was doing something to her, "I was so scared you secretly hated me".

"Why would I-"

"They said they'll be here in five" Salix interrupted them, walking back over to the sofa to sit down and put on their shoes.

Amelia almost instinctively leaned back, as if Salix knew exactly what they'd been doing while they were on the phone. She distracted herself from the disappointment of them leaving by helping Lucia finish the rest of her water, still not used to being alone for long periods of time even though it had been a week. She wished they would stay, but she didn't have any comfy places for them to sleep like they'd had for her, and she'd feel bad making them sleep on the floor.

When they'd made sure they had everything, Sal propped Lucia up and walked them both over to the door.

"This was fun" they grinned, adjusting Lucia on their arm, "see you soon?"

"Of course" Amelia didn't want to let them leave, "text me when you guys get back?"

Salix nodded and then they were off, back down the hallway and down the stairs.

It took Amelia a few seconds to shut the door, watching the space where Sal and Lucia had disappeared before retreating back into her apartment.

She spent perhaps a little too much time cleaning everything up, just to give her hands something to do. She felt restless in a way she couldn't describe, glancing at her phone, waiting for it to light up with the confirmation that her friends were okay.

Only then did she let herself relax, finishing off washing up the plates they'd used for their takeout and putting them out to dry before grabbing her phone and reading over the text Sal had sent.

Got home safe. Put Lucia to bed, thanks for having us :]

***

The rest of the weekend went by slow and lazy. It was her first weekend alone in months and with nothing to distract her like work or chores, Amelia didn't know what to do.

She spent the morning laying in bed on her phone, waiting for Lucia to send her usual good morning text and staring up at the ceiling where the mould spot had sat just above her bed.

How had she been so stupid?

She hadn't been in her right mind, because of the mould.

Yeah, and who's fault was that???

Amelia shut her eyes and turned over so she could bury her face in her pillow.

***

You're sitting under the bleachers on the sports field. It's late, late afternoon, all the after school clubs are finishing off and people are leaving campus in droves, but you stay put because you'd rather be locked on campus all night than go back to the manor.

Your mother has been especially bad these past couple of months, she was not happy to find out you were still friends with Salix. She blamed them for your bad grades, she blamed them for all your misgivings. You supposed it was an easier pill to swallow than it being all your fault.

You've been told to drop Salix for years now but you've always refused. Salix is the only thing keeping you from completely losing your mind, they mean more to you than anyone or anything ever have or ever will.

Maybe that's why your chest always feels light and happy when you're around them. You feel like you can be yourself.

You've been having a lot of epiphanies about yourself lately.

They're sitting with you, at least til their dad's call them back for dinner, they'd told you. They offered for you to stay round, but you declined because you knew if your mother caught wind of it she'd be furious.

You look at them, the way the afternoon sun lights up their face, the way their eyes glow bright, the sun refracting off their glasses. The way their soft hair falls onto their forehead- they'd gotten it cut shorter a few weeks prior and you loved it. It suited them so well.

It was hard to comprehend how you felt about them because it felt so, so right, but also so, so wrong. It felt scary in a way you couldn't articulate. You hadn't found the right words for it yet, still too young. But you knew it was intense. And you also knew that your mother could never find out.

You were scared that they didn't feel the same. You were scared that you were reading too far into these feelings, mistaking them for something else. But you were also scared of finding out the truth.

"What's on your mind, Amelia?" they asked, turning towards you.

You startle and let out a little "hm?"

"That's your thinking face".

"I don't have a thinking face!"

"Yes, you do" they grin, a teasing lilt to their voice, "your eyebrows and nose scrunch up and you glare at the ground. That's how I know you're thinking about something".

You feel your face heat up. May as well spill everything.

"Have you ever thought about um. Liking girls?"

Their brows shoot up. "Not really".

"Oh..." you deflate, hands clenching into little fists. You fucked up, maybe you should leave...

"Wait. I never said it was a bad thing" they clarified, leaning forward to grab your arm. You flinch and they let go.

"Sorry" you stutter, and try to sit back down but you feel antsy. You're nervous and you hate it. It makes you lash out and you don't want to hurt someone who means so much to you. "Just...forget it".

"Wait no- do you have a crush on someone?" their voice is soft, understanding. It makes you want to cry.

"I- I don't know. How do you know what a crush feels like?"

Salix ponders on this, then shrugs. "I don't really know. I don't think I've ever liked someone like that. I don't care about that sorta thing, I guess".

Oh....

"But...haven't you ever wondered what it feels like to kiss someone?"

"I guess so. Why?"

You look away. You can't make eye contact with them anymore, it feels like your face is on fire, overheating in the sun.

There's a silence that overtakes the both of you and you feel yourself fidgeting. You're scratching at your arms, nails digging into soft skin.

"Sorry," you say again, but it's more of a whisper now.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

It was the question that had been floating in your mind, but it felt weird to hear them say it out loud. Your heart skips a beat, flutters painfully in your chest and pins and needles go up your arms in anxiety.

"I don't know!" you confess. "Maybe".

You don't know what these feelings are. They're confusing. But...maybe this would help whittle them down?

"Okay".

You weren't expecting them to agree!!!

"Only if you want to!!! I don't mind if you say no!"

"No it's okay, I don't mind".

"Are you sure?"

Salix nods and smiles at you. You gulp, you hadn't planned for this at all.

"Okay then...." you shuffle closer until your knees meet theirs. You clear your throat awkwardly.

They wait for you expectantly, hands placed neatly on their knees.

You...don't know what to do. Your hands are sweaty. You rub them on your jeans.

"Um...do I just.." you lean forward slowly until you're inches away from their face. They look at you with big green eyes.

You're intimidated by the closeness so you close your eyes. You're pretty sure that's what people who kiss do, right? Close their eyes and then...kiss. yeah. That's right. You're already halfway there!

You decide to close the gap, to get it over and done with. You lean forward and your nose hits their glasses, you have to pucker your lips to reach theirs.

Your lips touch for a brief second, the contact feels both red hot and ice cold at the same time. You reel back almost immediately and stare at them with wide eyes, trying to gauge how they feel.

Your heart's beating so fast it aches in your chest. You feel panicked and anxious and like you might spiral into something much worse if you don't get it under control. You sit there and stare at them, eyes wide but they don't reply. They look thoughtful and a little amused.

"I. I gotta go" you say and stand up so fast you hit your head on the metal of the bleachers. You groan, frantically grabbing your discarded bag before crawling out from your little hideout and sprinting across the field as fast as your legs can carry you.

You run all the way back to the manor, not stopping until you collapse on the stairs leading to the door. You've sweat through your clothes and are in desperate need of a shower, so you slink inside and creep up to your room before anyone notices you.

You spend a lot of time thinking back on that kiss. You spend a lot of time reflecting.

***

When Amelia awoke next, it was probably early afternoon and she hadn't even realised she'd drifted back to sleep.

It had been a pretty decent sleep, though, all things considering and she decided to finally get out of bed and start off her day with some late breakfast and a smoke.

With a cigarette between her lips, she went about making herself some food and set it on the coffee table, next to where she'd left her laptop the day before, and then searched for her lighter.

She was about to sit at her usual window when Salix's words from yesterday made her stop.

"If you want any chance of getting your deposit back after all this, you better go downstairs".

Fuck, they were right. She did kind of want that back....

It was a drag to change out of her comfy pyjama shorts into jeans and the freshly washed hoodie Lucia had lent her that she'd meant to give back yesterday. She put on her boots and jacket and set off downstairs to the alley beside her apartment building.

There was a light drizzle outside but she didn't care too much, it wasn't like she was smoking a blunt so she huddled up in the little overhang above the entrance of the building and lit her cigarette. She watched as the rain came down, as it was blown by the wind as it picked up, as people passed with hoods up, and umbrellas being pulled against the wind.

No one spared her a glance, why would they? She was just another face in a town full of people that didn't want to be known.

She finished her cig but didn't reach for another one. The cold was starting to get to her and she needed to get to her nice warm apartment before her hands started turning blue.

There was a text from Lucia waiting for her once she made it back to her apartment and she all but pounced on her phone, hopping over the back of her sofa to eat her breakfast while she texted back.

It went on like that for the rest of the day, just her and Lucia texting back and forth as they both idly went about their day. They didn't talk about what they'd discussed in the alley yesterday, they didn't need to. They just had each other and that's all they needed.

Amelia went to bed that night feeling complete. Happy. Light.

***

She was in a good mood, and that much was obvious to Lilith, who shot her a knowing smile as she walked into Claire's the following morning.

"Have a good sleep?" she asked, tone light.

"Yeah," she didn't want to clarify that she'd fallen asleep halfway through a sentence she was texting Lucia with the phone pressed against her face. She'd woken up to a garbled keysmash she'd accidentally sent followed by a sweet goodnight message from Lucia.

"The nightmares been getting better?"

"Oh, uh. Yeah, they have".

Amelia hated that she still remembered those restless nights when Amelia would wake up screaming or crying when she'd still been staying with her. The woman had been powerless to comfort her because Amelia had never let her. She regretted that, maybe things would be different if she'd just let Lilith in.

Lilith seemed relieved to hear that. Amelia knew that she'd been worrying about her ever since she'd moved out, and she hadn't exactly been doing a very good job of looking after herself until recently.

But she was getting better, her relationships were improving with every conversation. Maybe the same could be said between her and Lilith, once she'd done apologising for being such a shitty person to her. And that was only if Lilith forgave her.

It could be worth a try though, right?

Notes:

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 29

You lay on your bed with your cheek pressed against your pillow. You're staring at the wall, watching as the light fades with the evening sun, the shadows growing smaller and smaller until you're in nothing but the all-encompassing darkness of your room. You're hungry, you're not sure how long it's been since you ate something, you don't even remember what you were trying to prove to Lilith with your impromptu hunger strike anymore.

The fatigue hits you like a brick but you find yourself unable to sleep, the ache in your stomach makes it hard to do anything but lie and stare.

This is all Lilith's fault.

No, it's not. It's yours.

You turn slowly onto your back and squeeze your eyes shut, grinding your teeth. You swallow and wince, your throat long dried up from lack of water.

You're not sure how long it's been or what time it really is, all you know is that your stubborn ass is probably going to be the end of you and you find peace with that, you think.

The door handle shakes and your eyes snap open. Your room doesn't have a lock but no one's ever come in without knocking out of politeness. This time, whoever's on the other side doesn't wait for a reply.

It opens, spilling soft yellow light onto your floor.

"Amelia, we need to talk" It was Lilith. You grit your teeth in a snarl.

"I have nothing to say to you".

"Please just listen for once" There's desperation in her voice but you don't want to hear it. It sounds too much like pity.

You don't give her the luxury of a response. Just turn back around so that your back faces the older woman.

She turns on your overhead light and you groan and curl up into yourself, pulling the covers over your head to block out the painful stinging in your eyes. Your head pounds with every heartbeat, and your stomach groans as the faint smell of cooking food wafts into your room.

Whatever it is smells good, your stomach groans and you curl further into yourself in pain. You don't know why you're doing this to yourself- maybe to prove a point? You feel like you're in far too deep to back away now, though.

"Amelia" Lilith tries again, this time her voice is softer but there's still a little hint of hardness in it that makes you not want to turn around and give her the time of day. 

She can't force you to do anything and you know it, you use her kindness against her.

"Let's talk over some food" she pleads.

You don't reply, trying not to think too hard about the promise of food and the smell coming from the kitchen. Your brain tells you that you need to keep up this stubborn facade, even if it makes you sick. You can't lose this-whatever it is.

You feel bad. You know Lilith has been doing nothing but trying to help you this entire time and you've been so horrible to her. You hate yourself for it, but you can't stop, it's so, so hard to stop being this way. It's ingrained in your very being. You were always destined to be horrid. Unloved.

You sniffle a little too loudly as you begin to spiral and wallow in your own self pity.

For a second you forget the woman by the door, until she makes a noise, a sad little sound in the back of her throat. You feel yourself jolt as you wipe your eyes on your blanket and try to gather the anger you usually feel towards her back up. But it's not working, all you feel is a sadness that sits deep within you.

You're so tired.

"Can I sit on the end of your bed?"

Lilith's voice is closer, you can barely hear it through the ringing of your ears. You don't say anything, just bury your face deeper into your pillow.

The bed dips and you feel your body involuntarily tense up even more. You half expect her to drag you from your little cocoon of blankets and hit you for disobeying her, but you know deep down the woman would never do that to you. You can still feel phantom hands on you, you can feel her hands on you, you can feel nails digging into your skin, hard enough to leave a mark, maybe even draw blood. You can feel the sensation of thick, hot blood dribbling down your arm. You're in your mother's study. She's screaming at you but you can't hear what she's saying. She-

Lilith gets off the bed and takes a few steps back and you gasp as if you'd just been underwater, searching for oxygen to fill up your lungs so that you don't drown. You can feel her eyes on you, studying you, watching for any little sign. For what exactly, you have no idea, but you're far too gone to be worrying about that right now.

You hear her footsteps retreat and you half hope that she finally got the message to leave you alone, but she's back a few seconds later, walking around your bed to place something by your head. She sits down at the empty desk you refuse to use on that side of the room, by the window, making sure she's a respectable distance away.

"Drink some water, it'll help ground you" she states as if she knew exactly what you were going through.

What the fuck does she know about 'grounding' someone. Who the fuck does she think she is??

She keeps talking as you lift your face from the nest of pillows and blankets, your eyes red and bleary, and reach for the water. You don't know what she's talking about, something boring and trivial and adult, but the cadence of her tone, the way her voice is soft and light, all hardness gone as if it were never there, it helps.

The water helps too, just a little bit. You don't remember the last time you drank something, but all the crying you've been doing has definitely left you worse for wear. You do truly feel like shit, and the little ice cubes floating around the cold glass that make your teeth feel fuzzy is a good distraction from everything else.

You try to pace yourself with drinking the water, even if you're so unbearably thirsty you want to chug the entire thing and ask for more. You don't want to give in, you don't want to be greedy, so you sip until the tension headache throbbing behind your eyes eases ever so slightly.

You know you look a mess with your puffy red eyes, messy hair, borrowed clothes that barely fit you. You know you haven't showered in days, maybe even longer, you haven't been looking after yourself and you're feeling the consequences. Lilith keeps glancing at you, it makes you feel self-conscious, it makes you feel...sad? Sad that you've let yourself go like this. Sad that this is what your brain went to, your coping mechanism of self-destruction when something goes wrong in your life.

Eventually, you finish your water. Lilith's still talking, something about Eda that you don't really process, but she stops when she notices your empty glass and offers you more if you come to sit with her and eat some dinner.

You're exhausted. Exhausted from just- feeling, you suppose. You're tired of feeling everything and nothing. You're tired.

You agree to eat with her.

You feel as if you're floating, your brain feels light and distant as you stand up. Your legs hurt, you're not sure why, your muscles ache as you put one foot in front of the other.

You make it to the kitchen in one piece and sit down heavily on the chair. You stare down at the wood, the little scratches you know you caused with your meltdowns. The stains, the gouges, the scratches, that was you.

A fresh glass of water is set down beside you, in a glass that looks new, freshly bought. You knew Lilith had had to replace some of them after...the last time you'd spoken

You don't know why you're like this. You don't understand.

Lilith puts down a plate of food and then turns around to grab one for herself. You stare down at it, your stomach cramping, chest feeling tight. There's a lump in your throat as you stare down at the little crack in the porcelain. That was you too.

You eat in silence and then afterwards, you thank her quietly for the meal. She smiles at you and insists you clean yourself up a little bit as she puts away the dishes, refusing your halfhearted offer at help.

She gets you a fresh change of clothes, makes sure you have all your shower stuff set up, the things she'd bought for you because you couldn't stand the scent of the stuff she already had. As you step into the shower, you think about all the little things the woman has done for you and feel your eyes tear up.

You attempt to wash yourself the best you can with tears streaming down your face, resentment for how you'd acted taking over your limbs until they turned to static. You choke back sobs as you hear Lilith walking around the apartment, you hate yourself for what you've done, you wish you could start over but you fear that if you did, you'd still end up here. You're broken, more broken than you ever realised you were, you don't deserve the kindness Lilith has given you. 

You're not sure you could ever make up what you've done, but you suppose you could try.

***

"What'cha thinking about?" Lucia asked as they sat at their usual bench during their shared lunch break.

Amelia blinked and looked up from her coffee, "hm?"

"You've been very quiet today".

"I'm just- I've got a lot on my mind I guess".

"Wanna talk about it?"

She glanced at Lucia from the corner of her eye nervously, unsure.

Lucia looked so open, so inviting. She knew Lucia wouldn't judge her, she trusted her more than she'd trusted most people in her life. But that didn't stop the anxiety- not directed towards her, but to the situation as a whole.

"Remember, it's fine if not" Lucia continued with an easy shrug, "if this is more of a Salix thing then that's fine too, as long as you know you can come to us if you ever need something".

"No, no it's- it's fine. We can talk about it" Amelia scratched at her leg, put down her coffee, picked her coffee back up and took a sip, put it back down and then- "How do I apologise to someone for things I did years ago that they never acknowledged but I know affected them" she blurted out a little too quickly.

It took Lucia a few moments to process her words.

"Well, I think saying sorry would be a good start-"

"I know that!!!" she snapped back, trying to reel herself in before she said something mean to the person cared about the most.

"Do you think they'd accept your apology?" Lucia asked, unaffected.

Amelia glared at her coffee cup, shoulders sinking. "Yeah. But...it feels like just saying sorry wouldn't be enough for all the shit I've done".

It was a complicated matter in its own right because she knew Lilith still cared about her deeply- if she didn't then she wouldn't still be working for her. But, a lot of time had passed and Amelia's behaviour towards the older woman when she'd first started living with her hadn't been something they'd talked about in depth. Amelia had apologised in her own ways, sure, throwing herself into work, taking extra hours, doing chores for Lilith when she was busy at the mall, but she had never come out and fully said 'I'm sorry'.

She knew what Lilith would've said. Lilith would've forgiven her, said it was okay, pulled her in and hugged her tight. And back then, that was something Amelia couldn't handle hearing. She couldn't handle being touched, let alone hugged.

But she was older now, she was used to the affectionate gestures both Lilith and Eda showed her. It hurt to know that they'd still be like that around her after all she'd done to them, it made her feel like she didn't deserve it.

It felt like nothing she could do would ever make up for it.

"How do you know that? How do you know they won't be fine with just an apology?" Lucia asked softly.

"I..." Amelia's words died on her tongue.

"Exactly. The first step is saying sorry and acknowledging that you understand what you did was wrong and hurt them".

"And then what?"

She saw Lucia shrug from the corner of her eye. "It's up to them whether they want to accept it or not".

"Okay," Amelia sipped the dregs of her coffee and stood up to throw it away, "thanks, Lucia" she turned back to look at the woman, "I need to go now". 

Lucia smiled at her and Amelia felt herself smiling back. There was a newfound energy in her limbs as she walked back through the mall to Claire's where she knew Lilith would be.

This had been a long time coming, but Amelia had been far too down on herself to ever think about fully apologising for her actions until now. She'd been wallowing ever since she moved into her own apartment, only coming to work out of obligation to Lilith and the faint traces of guilt that still haunted her for how she'd treated the older woman.

She was getting better. She had Lucia and Salix to thank for that. If it weren't for them, she had no idea where she'd be right now. She could've been stuck in her depression spiral for a lot longer, she could've never gotten out of it.

In many ways, Lucia and Sal had saved her life.

She tapped her fingers against her jeans as she walked, trying to focus on Lilith and not the possibilities of what her life could've been. It wasn't good to dwell on things like that and it was a habit she had yet to break.

One thing at a time, she told herself.

Claire's was coming into view and she allowed herself a few moments of respite as she slowed down, trying to put her thoughts into order. She was nervous, possibly the most nervous she had ever felt, but she had no idea why. Lilith wouldn't hurt her, she would accept her apology and allow her to talk, she knew this. But her brain had never fully gotten over what her mother had ingrained in it, that feeling that told her she needed to be punished for her actions. 

Lilith was not her mother. 

Lilith was not her mother.

Amelia had thought she'd grown out of her fear for her mother, but it was still there, buried deep within her. She needed to get over it.

She wiped her hands down her jeans, feeling nervous and sweaty despite the cold weather and chill going throughout the mall. She forced her legs to continue moving because if she hesitated any longer, she feared she wouldn't go through with it.

Lilith was sitting behind the counter, keeping an eye on the store when Amelia walked in. Her blue eyes flitted over to her, a question in them. Amelia's break wasn't supposed to be over for another twenty minutes, but she knew she needed to get this over and done with as soon as possible otherwise she'd overthink things and not do it at all.

The older woman seemed to pick up on her nerves. A concerned look crossed over her face and she stood up to walk around the counter and up to Amelia.

Amelia stopped walking. "Can we talk?" she asked, voice low.

"Yes, of course".

Ok, that was easy. Now what?

Amelia froze for a few beats and looked around the store. The mall was fairly quiet on this side since most of the food places were near the entrance. "Would it be fine to talk in the backroom?" she asked meekly.

Lilith nodded, "Eda has a clear view of the store, she'll tell me if anything happens".

They stepped into the backroom, the door swinging shut behind them. Amelia sat down on the ratty sofa that sunk under her weight and wished she'd at least gone out for a smoke before doing this. She felt far too open and vulnerable, far too sober.

No. This was the best, most authentic way to do this. She just needed to suck it up.

She couldn't look Lilith in the eye, that felt far too scary, so she glared down at the floor as she spoke. She could see Lilith sit down on the edge of the sofa and face her and swallowed down the lump in her throat. She was overreacting, it should not be this hard.

"I'm sorry" she blurted, and squeezed her eyes shut as a rush of emotion came to the forefront. She couldn't cry, not now.

Lilith looked a little confused. "Sorry for what?"

Fuck. Amelia let out the breath she'd been holding waiting for Lilith's response and opened her mouth to continue speaking.

"I'm sorry for being such a horrible person to you. You didn't deserve that, I'm sorry you had to do so much for me and I did nothing in return" She sniffled and wiped her nose, forcing the tears back. Not now.

"Amelia..." Lilith's voice was so soft, so warm. It held so much affection in it, not even a trace of anything Amelia was expecting. No resentment, no anger, it was hard for her to wrap her head around how someone could see Amelia as anything but a burden on their life.

"I- I know it's been a long time since then, but I needed to do this or I'd never forgive myself for what I put you through" She tried to steady her voice but it was shaking.

"You didn't put me through anything, I knew what I was getting into when I took you in and I was ready for it" the statement was said with a firmness that held no room for arguments. "You were a kid who'd randomly appeared in town alone with nowhere to go, I wasn't going to leave you on the streets".

"Even if I-"

"Especially if you were acting out" Lilith cut her off, "it doesn't take a genius to figure out something was wrong, that there was a reason you were alone. I wanted to help you, make sure you were somewhere safe".

Amelia had never told Lilith why she'd run away, not fully. But she supposed there had been context clues, a reason why she was the way she was.

Even now, Amelia couldn't bring herself to tell Lilith about how horrible her mother had been to her, it still felt like far too much, far too overwhelming.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay you for what you've done for me" she whispered.

Lilith was the reason she was still here, Lilith was the reason she hadn't died on the streets. Lilith and Eda had given her a home, had given her security, someone to talk to. She'd taken that for granted for a long time, and only now was she beginning to realise how grateful she truly was for all their help. And there was nothing she could do that would ever amount to what they'd done for her.

"You don't need to" Lilith said evenly, "I'd do it all again if I had to, if it meant that you were happy and safe".

It was getting harder and harder to keep her composure.

"I'm really glad to see you're getting along with Lucia" she continued, "I don't think I've ever seen you so happy, it's wonderful to see".

"Yeah...." Amelia didn't even know how to respond to that, thinking about Lucia just gave her another wave of emotions she couldn't control. She was glad Lucia couldn't see her right now.

She could see Lilith smile out of the corner of her eye. "Was that all you wanted to tell me?"

Amelia squeezed her eyes shut and nodded, "Mmmhm. I just felt like you needed to know".

The sofa shifted as Lilith stood up and Amelia thought she was going to walk back into the store before she asked, "Can I hug you?"

She hesitated, feeling raw and vulnerable and frigid, like she might break and shatter at any moment.

"You can say no" Lilith told her, "I won't be offended".

Amelia stood up, face still towards the ground, not daring to look up into Lilith's eyes. She blinked back the wetness in her eyes, trying to keep her composure as she stepped forward and crashed into Lilith's open, waiting arms. Immediately, Lilith's arms wrapped around Amelia and she was pulled impossibly closer, the taller woman resting her chin on top of Amelia's head and rocking them slowly back and forth. It took Amelia a few moments to remember to put her arms around Lilith too.

She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that for, with Amelia's cheek smushed up against Lilith's shoulder, her fists clinging onto the older woman for what felt like dear life. It felt like she was on the edge of a cliff, and if she let go she'd fall and be lost forever.

"I love you very much, Amelia" Lilith mumbled into her hair, squeezing her tighter. "Don't ever forget that. I will always be here for you if you ever need anything. Me and Eda".

"Oh" Well shit, that was enough for the dam to break.

It started off with a sniffle, a blink that made a tear roll down her cheek. And then she was sobbing into Lilith's shoulder and clinging onto her like her life depended on it, mumbling apologies and thank you's and other things that were lost as she buried her face further into Lilith's blouse. She could feel her body shaking, her breathing picking up, her sobs getting louder.

Lilith held on tight and didn't let go. She manoeuvred them back onto the sofa and let Amelia lay against her and cry, her hand rubbing up and down her back in soothing patterns. She mumbled things back at Amelia- that everything was okay, that she loved her, that she could let it out for as long as she needed. And maybe if Amelia's ears were ringing, her head wasn't throbbing, she would've noticed that Lilith's voice was sounding a little shaky too. 

They'd both needed this. This closure. A door closed, another opened up, into a new relationship that was based on trust and love and not whatever it had been before. 

No one had ever said they'd loved Amelia Blight and meant it. 

Her mother had only said it to make her stop crying when she hit her, to make her believe that what she was doing was for the greater good. Her siblings had said it, but only after she'd said it first, only after she'd done something for them and Amelia had never believed it to be true. She had thought she was not worthy of love, especially not from the people she actually, truly loved. She could tell them she loved them as much as she wanted, but she had never expected it back. Her father had never shown any affection towards her, she had accepted that he didn't love her a long time ago.

With Salix it had been different. Her feelings of love towards them had been hard to decipher. They'd loved her enough to plan to run away with her, but she had always had her doubts on whether they'd change their mind once they were old enough to do so. She always thought that they'd back out last minute so they could go to uni, which had made it ever so slightly easier when she'd run away. She'd been so sure that Sal would have a better life without her.

Love was a scary word for Amelia. It held so much more meaning to her, it meant something different for every person she'd come across in her life.

But for Lilith, it meant safety. It meant home.

As much as she hated to admit it, Bonesborough was her home. Lilith and Eda and Sal and Lucia were her home.

And as much as she loved them all deeply, she wasn't ready to say it back yet. But as long as they knew she loved them too through her actions, that was enough for now.

Notes:

sorry for disappearing again its artfight season so I've been drawing a ton 😔 im currently at 69 (lmao nice) attacks and there's like. a week left but im a lil burnt out so i figured id do some writing instead :P

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 30

It was like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders as Amelia walked out of Hot Topic and back through the mall. People were closing up their stores around her, there was a general white noise of shutters being put up, people locking up, saying goodbye to their coworkers as they left.

She'd decided to talk to Eda too, apologise as she had with Lilith because she deserved one too for how she'd been treated. Amelia had not been a good person, she still didn't consider herself a good person, but she was getting there.

At least she hoped she was.

Eda had smiled warmly at her, such affection in her eyes that Amelia couldn't hold her gaze for long. The older woman had swept her up in her arms and held her tight, telling her that she'd never held anything against Amelia, that she saw a lot of herself in how Amelia had acted.

And if Amelia had cried again, that wasn't anyone's business. It was hard to wrap her head around the fact that someone knew, at least in part, how and why she'd acted the way she had. That someone could relate.

They'd let go, pulled away from the hug, and Eda had ruffled Amelia's hair out of its perfectly curated half-ponytail and Amelia had swatted away her hands halfheartedly, her chest swelling and aching at the familiarity of the gesture.

Eda had offered her a ride home and Amelia had told her that Lucia was waiting for her outside. Eda had smiled at her, wished her a good evening, and then disappeared to lock up the store.

Amelia had taken a few moments to wipe at her eyes and fix her hair as she continued through the mall. She felt emotional, like she might break down at any moment, but she also felt immense relief.

Lilith and Eda didn't hate her. They had never hated her, even after everything. And that brought up a whole lot of complicated feelings she didn't have the energy to sort through right now. She just put one foot in front of the other, focusing on finding Lucia in the car park so she could get home and just...collapse in the comfort of her own apartment.

When she pushed open the door and stepped out into the chilly evening, it didn't take long for her to notice Lucia's car parked a short distance away. She sighed, ran a hand through her hair and stepped off the pavement. 

She knocked softly on the slightly open driver's side window and Lucia looked up at her with her usual familiar, comforting smile as she unlocked the door for her. Amelia scampered around the car and slid into the passenger seat, buckling up as Lucia pulled out of the car park.

"You okay?" Lucia asked, a casual question, not any weight to it. Just conversation to fill in the gaps of silence between them. Lucia had never been one to pry into Amelia's life and she was forever grateful for that.

"Yeah, just tired" Amelia answered, rubbing at her eye and down her face.

"Make sure you eat something before you relax" the usual reminder to eat from Lucia- she got it most days. It wasn't annoying like she thought it'd be, not from Lucia. She was often grateful for the reminder since most days she didn't have much energy to cook.

"I will, I have some leftover pasta from yesterday".

"The one from the recipe I sent you?"

Amelia turned her face to look out the window, cheeks warm. "Yeah. It looked good".

Lucia made a pleased sound in the back of her throat that made Amelia's insides churn.

A lot had happened today, she was just feeling overly emotional and needed to calm down, that was all. She tapped her finger against her thigh as she watched cars drive past her in the rapidly dimming light, small droplets of rain dribbling down the window, the threat of a heavier downpour in the air. Hopefully it'd storm tonight, Amelia loved falling asleep to the white noise of rain.

She hadn't let herself have the luxury of a quiet, cosy evening for a long time now. She either smoked a disgusting amount of weed as soon as she got back from work and passed out, or laid in bed and doomscrolled til she passed out, only eating a meagre dinner of two cigarettes, the rest of a blunt and whatever snacks she could find around her apartment.

No wonder she'd gotten so sick, how was her body meant to fight off illness if she was barely looking after it?

It was embarrassing having to be reminded to do simple tasks like eating a proper fucking meal. But with Lucia, it had never felt like she was doing it out of some sort of sympathy. Lucia genuinely wanted to see her get better and that was something Amelia was still struggling to come to terms with. She'd let Lucia remind her for as long as she needed reminding, and perhaps a little after that too. She enjoyed the sound of Lucia's voice, the happy lilt her voice took on when talking to Amelia made her feel strange, but in a good way.

Lucia was someone she could lean on, someone who would sit and listen if she wanted to ramble and give advice if asked. She'd wait after work hours to drive Amelia home in the rain or snow so she wouldn't be cold, she'd send recipes and help with meal prep and send her goodnight messages and silly memes and-

"Hey, we're here".

And Lucia would look at her with an expression Amelia could never decipher. Her dark eyes would glow almost amber in the faint light, her lips quirked up into a little uneven smile that showed faint dimples. Not that Amelia was looking at her mouth or anything.

"Thanks for the ride," she said instead, proud of the way her voice sounded level.

"No worries, I feel better knowing you're not walking home in the rain" Lucia's grin widened. "I think it's gonna snow tonight so...if you wanted me to pick you up tomorrow morning for work??"

Amelia enjoyed Lucia's company, perhaps more than she truly let on. But she didn't like the thought of Lucia having to wake up early to drive to her apartment, not when she really didn't mind the walk. It helped wake her up so she was at least slightly more alert when she got to the mall.

"No thanks, I'll be okay" She looked away, feeling a little bad about declining the offer.

Lucia shrugged it off easily. "The offer's still there if you ever need it".

"Thanks" Amelia unbuckled her belt, pulling her jacket tighter around herself and preparing to sprint through the rain to her apartment building. "For the offer. And for the lift. I really appreciate it".

More than she'd ever know.

But she wouldn't say that out loud.

"Wait!" Amelia's hand was on the door, ready to pop it open and start running, but she paused and looked back at Lucia when she spoke.

The woman looked nervous, brows furrowed. Amelia sat and studied her face for a few beats before Lucia turned back to grab something from the bag sitting on the floor behind her seat.

"I uh. I wanted to give you this" She pulled something out of the bag and held it loosely in her hands, still not turning around, hesitating. From the angle she was sitting at, Amelia could vaguely see the dark tint to her cheeks.

Lucia's nervous ticks fascinated Amelia. Lucia had always held an air of confidence to her while doing most things. She was polite and always smiled at customers at the store, always helped in any way she could. She would always offer to take Amelia's order when they got lunch together because she knew she had trouble talking to people.

So, when Lucia was like this- almost timid in a way. It made Amelia's mind go into overdrive.

She had never seen Lucia act this way around Salix, or anyone else for that matter. Her mind couldn't comprehend why Lucia would ever feel nervous around her for any reason, maybe when she was being difficult and Lucia had to walk on eggshells around her??

But this wasn't one of those times. Amelia was feeling pretty good all things considered, she hadn't snapped or ignored the woman the entire journey to her apartment.

"I just figured...I know your apartment has heating now, but it's been getting pretty cold lately and I don't want you to have to go to bed freezing every night" Lucia was rambling, stumbling over her words. "I know I already gave you one, but I figured maybe we could swap it out. Since this one's a lot more fresh-"

It was then that Amelia realised Lucia was holding another hoodie in her arms. She stared down at it, her heart beating loudly in her ears. She felt the warmth in her chest spread to an almost unbearable degree, she wanted to...she didn't know what she wanted to do. Grab Lucia? Grab her and pull her into a...hug?

"Do you wanna swap it out now?" Amelia asked instead, blood rushing to her face. Even from here, she could smell the faint citrussy scent of the hoodie. She almost craved it, in a way.

Lucia seemed to reel in some of her lingering anxiety at her words. She smiled.

"No, it's fine. It gives me another reason to come visit you" The confidence was back, at least a little bit. The smile grew into a small smirk, her eyes flicking over Amelia's face, studying it. Memorising it.

Amelia's heart started beating impossibly faster, excitement making her hands tingle with pleasant pins and needles as the hoodie was handed over to her. She resisted the urge to bury her face in the soft fabric because she didn't want to look like some sort of desperate freak in front of Lucia.

"Sure," she said, hands tightening around the hoodie, "I'll wash it for you".

"How does this weekend sound?"

"Sounds good to me" Amelia slipped out of the car, holding onto the door, unsure if she truly wanted to leave Lucia just yet.

Lucia started her car back up, the redness still hadn't left her face, her beanie was lopsided, her hair scuffed up, and she looked a little tired. It was getting late, still raining, but Amelia could barely feel it, bundling the hoodie under her jacket so it wouldn't get wet.

"It's a date!" Lucia said, her voice pitching up and cracking, words coming out so fast Amelia barely had time to comprehend them. She shut the door and watched Lucia pull out onto the road, her car getting swallowed up by the darkness.

She blinked a few times, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, before remembering she was still standing in the rain. It was getting heavier, the air around her turning stale and cold. She shivered, but she wasn't sure if it was entirely because of the cold.

Her feet squelched against the carpet as she finally entered the apartment building, the door swinging shut behind her and muffling the sound of rain that tapped pleasantly against the windows. She made her way up the stairs, her breaths coming out in short bursts, visibly in the ice-cold stairway, feet tapping against the concrete. She fished out her key and slot it into the lock, twisting it and using her shoulder to shove the door open.

And only then, once the door was shut behind her, did she grab the hoodie from inside her jacket and bury her face into the soft fabric, taking as big a breath as her lungs would allow. She felt her senses become surrounded by Lucia's scent. It felt overwhelming, but in a good way, like she never wanted to come up for air ever again, like she could stay this way forever, with her nose pressed into the hoodie and be satisfied for the rest of her life.

She allowed herself to feel this way in the quietness of her own apartment. No one had to know she felt this way, it was something she'd never dare admit out loud.

Amelia wasn't sure how long she stayed like that before she finally set the hoodie down and took off her jacket and boots. She sighed, glanced to the side and noticed the rain was easing up ever so slightly, perhaps enough that she could smoke out her window without getting pelted by rain later.

Right now, she needed a nice hot shower. She needed to let the hot water run over her tense body, and only then would she finally let herself relax and have the evening to herself.

She grabbed some clothes from her room along with Lucia's hoodie and shuffled into the bathroom, turning on the shower and waiting for it to heat up as she let down her hair, brushed the tangles out of it, and started to wipe the makeup off her face. Once the room had steamed up, she finally got into the shower and started slowly making her way through her usual routine, spending more time than she usually would in there because she was in a good mood and deserved a little self care.

Emerging from the bathroom, damp but clean, she slipped on Lucia's hoodie. She walked around her apartment barefoot, pleasantly warm enough with her fixed heating and the hoodie to wear shorts and no socks. The floorboards creaked under her and she idly wondered if maybe getting a rug would spruce the place up a little bit.

As Amelia heated up her leftovers, she pulled out a cigarette and stared down at it.

Lucia and Sal would be worried that she was still smoking as much as she was after getting so sick, but it wasn't like she could just stop cold turkey. The way her throat itched just looking at it, her fingers wrapping around the little stick like it was second nature to her, she desperately needed it.

Hesitating, she took off the hoodie because she didn't want the stench of smoke to cling to it and overtake the pleasant scent of Lucia, before going over to her window and yanking it open. She shivered, the temperature had started to drop significantly, which only meant that snow was indeed on the way. She could only hope that it wouldn't turn to ice in the morning and make her walk to work even more unbearable.

But for now, she sat by the window, lighting up her cig and taking a long drag. She let it out, watching the sky darken, turn to a dull grey-black, the heavy clouds completely blocking the moon. It took a while for her eyes to adjust, but once they did, she gazed out into the town of Bonesborough, the dark shapes of the buildings on the horizon, the faint noises of cars passing by her apartment. Signs of life, signs that there were people like her, that she wasn't alone. Sal and Lucia were out there somewhere, probably making their own dinner and settling down for the evening. She wished she could be there with them, but also understood she needed time for herself as well.

Once she'd finished her cigarette, she closed the window and dished out the leftovers, slipping the hoodie back over her head and shuffling into her room to eat on her bed while she watched something on her laptop.

Comfortably warm, full of pasta with her laptop balanced on her knees, back resting against her pillows, Amelia drifted off quickly and easily, feeling happy and satisfied in a way she hadn't felt in a very long time. It finally felt like she was living.

***

Something was still playing on her laptop when she woke up the next morning. She blinked open her eyes, groggy and confused, eyes blearily glaring at the screen playing whatever video had come up in her autoplay. She groaned, shutting the lid of her laptop and putting it on her bedside table, turning over and snuggling into her blankets and falling back asleep, not ready to wake up yet.

***

You're sitting in a nondescript field in the middle of nowhere. The sun is beating down on you, you're wearing a light shirt and some shorts and a sun hat, sitting on a checkered picnic blanket with miscellaneous punnets of fruit surrounding you. You're barefoot, boots off to the side with your socks tucked into them. There's another pair of boots beside your own, but you can't see anyone nearby.

The weather hasn't been this nice in a very long time. The grass feels warm under your hands as you pick at it. You grab a strawberry and bite into it. It's sweet, almost tooth-achingly so.

The sky is clear and so are your thoughts, nothing could bring you down from this high you are currently feeling. In the distance you can see cows and sheep and horses- you must be near a farm. The view is beautiful, you feel yourself relaxing, limbs drooping as you let the warmth overtake you like wrapping a blanket around yourself in cold weather.

"Hey!" a voice, familiar and comfortable, it makes your heart soar. You feel yourself smiling down at the blanket, tucking loose hair behind your ear.

Suddenly everything makes sense as Lucia sits down beside you, immediately tucking into the buffet of fruit. She places some cold cans of drink beside you and you gratefully take one, popping the tab open and taking a long sip. She watches you drink, her eyes so bright, her expression so open. There's a little bit of juice from the strawberry she'd just eaten on the corner of her mouth.

You want to kiss it off.

You're looking at each other but neither one of you moves. Your eyes dart to Lucia's lips and you feel yourself subconsciously licking your own. You feel your face grow warm and break eye contact to look away and take another big sip of your drink.

Lucia giggles at you, a light pleasant sound that makes your ears ring. Everything about Lucia is perfect in every way, but you especially love her voice. You find so much comfort in it, like it's the light at the end of the tunnel, like it's the antidote to everything that's ever gone wrong in your life.

She's not wearing her beanie, her dark hair is ruffled by the light wind. It curls around her neck, barely brushing around her shoulders, the two longer strands by her ears and perfect for pulling her forward.

Lucia leans forward, moving closer to you. She tips your chin up so you're making eye contact.

"Your eyes are so beautiful. Have I ever told you that?" she asks.

Her hand never leaves your chin, it burns in a way that makes your chest flutter. You lick your lips again and Lucia's eyes flick down to watch. She studies your mouth like her life depends on it. You're so close now, all you can think about is Lucia, Lucia, Lucia. Enveloped by her, the smell of citrus, the faint smell of fruit on her breath, her eyes that glow in the sun, the faint freckles around her nose and cheeks, and then. 

Her lips. So soft and inviting. If only you could lean just a little bit closer.

You do. You lean closer. So does Lucia, mouth slightly parted, head tilted.

The world distorts, as if the daylight is flickering on and off. Your vision blurs around the edges and you feel yourself involuntarily pull back. You watch Lucia frown- there's hurt in her eyes and you open your mouth to apologise, to say anything to her, but you can't.

Lucia is speaking but you can't hear her. You frantically try and claw your way back to her, to her lips. Inviting you forward, but you just can't move.

***

Amelia jolted awake in a cold sweat, her alarm blaring in her ears. She shuddered, but not from anything bad. It was just...the lingering presence of her dream made her feel weird. It made her heart thump against her chest, she felt nauseous. She felt like she needed to lay back down, but she couldn't. She had work. She needed to get up, to forget about whatever that had been.

There were still the lingering traces of citrus as she got up. The feeling of Lucia's hoodie on her skin started to feel overwhelming, it made her skin prickle, she felt far too hot. She took it off and folded it neatly on her bed before starting her morning routine.

She needed a cig badly. Her hands felt shaky, but she wasn't sure what the reason for that truly was. She went through a cig before getting changed and lighting up another one, and by the time she was out of her apartment, trudging through the light snow that had settled on the ground from the night before, she'd almost forgotten about her dream.

She had everything under control.

***

Until it happened again the very next day.

Amelia had never been one to remember her dreams in vivid detail, just lingering thoughts and feelings that surrounded her a few hours after she woke up. But she also wasn't an idiot. She remembered enough to know that Lucia had been there.

It felt exciting and terrifying at the same time, it made her feel fuzzy and nauseous to the point where she didn't know if she should jump around her apartment giggling and kicking her feet, or dry heave into the toilet and wait for something to come up.

At least she was acting somewhat normally around Lucia at work. At least, she hoped she was. But if Lucia noticed anything was off, she didn't comment on it, just happy to be around Amelia.

Amelia liked Lucia a lot, but in the back of her mind, the dark thoughts that hid there were telling her to back away. To put some distance between her and Lucia before something horrible happened to them. Before she did something horrible to Lucia.

She usually ignored that voice, but it'd been getting louder the past couple days.

If it had been several months ago, she would've let the fear win, but no matter what, she couldn't bring herself to leave Lucia's side. So she suffered in silence, pretending that she wasn't having an internal battle with her own mind and forcing herself to just get over whatever mental block she was currently having and enjoy her time spent with Lucia.

She didn't want to sabotage one of the few good things going on in her life, she wasn't like that anymore. But apparently, her brain wasn't getting the memo. She knew her brain was broken, it had been broken for most of her life, but she was frustrated that her own body wouldn't let her have nice things, not even for a second.

Amelia growled, frustrated as she took out a cig and lit it up. She was crouched in the car park, the snow crunching under her boots as she took that first, delicious drag and watched the smoke curl up into the air as she breathed out. Smoking helped calm down the thoughts raging in her mind. Weed was better, but she had run out and had yet to ask Eda for more. She could probably last a few more days before she started getting twitchy and the withdrawal headaches came back. She could pick some up on Friday and smoke over the weekend.

Except...Lucia was coming round. So maybe she could smoke with Lucia? Smoke and get some takeout in and watch a shitty movie on the sofa. That sounded nice. Maybe she'd even have the courage to curl up next to Lucia this time.

Doubtful. But it was a nice thought.

She'd noticed that Lucia was more affectionate when inebriated, her guard down, smiley and giggly and talkative, draping herself over anyone close enough to do so. Usually, it'd been Salix, and they had taken it like a champ. But Amelia wished it had been her.

Or maybe Lucia didn't want to smoke. That was fine too. Any time spent with Lucia was time she valued more than anything else.

She tapped the ash off the end of her cig and stared out into the almost empty car park. The excited nerves were back, even though she'd hung out with Lucia plenty of times before.

But this time Salix wouldn't be there. It'd just be the two of them for the whole day...

That sounded terrifying. She really treasured Lucia as a friend, but there was always the fear of doing something that put her off. That made her so uncomfortable she'd never want to see Amelia again. It had taken her a long time to stop feeling the same about Salix.

Deep down, she knew it was just her mind trying to play tricks on her, but part of her still believed it.

She supposed she'd have to wait and see what happened this weekend.

Notes:

ok u can have a little gay as a treat

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 31

With the dull rattle of the washing machine and the low hum of the pipes above her head, the basement felt cold and isolated and dark. Amelia shivered, pacing around the chilly basement while she waited for her clothes to be washed so she could move them to the dryer and then go back upstairs to smoke while she waited. She was wearing Lucia's hoodie, the hood over her head, hair poking out in little wisps and falling over her eyes. The smell of citrus filled her nose, now faded a little after being worn pretty much the entire time Amelia was at her apartment.

She couldn't help it. The immense amount of comfort it brought Amelia to wear Lucia's hoodie made her feel calm, like she could wake up every day and smell that familiar scent and know that everything would be okay.

It felt almost disgustingly sappy, in a way that made Amelia cringe if she thought too hard about it. She half hated the way Lucia infiltrated her thoughts, making her think this way in the first place. It made her feel far too exposed, like she was being forced to strip away the walls she'd tried so hard to build up.

Lucia had that effect on people, she supposed. She couldn't find it in herself to care enough to do anything about it.

It was Friday evening and she was currently doing the laundry she'd been putting off all week. She'd smoked half a blunt as soon as she'd gotten back to her apartment in an attempt to try and get all her chores done before the high caught up to her so she could relax later, and it was definitely catching up to her now. She leaned against the cold basement wall and stared up at the flickering lights. The exposed wooden beams above her head, the dark patches on the ceiling, the lights that hung precariously from them, probably months away from falling on someone if they weren't careful. The basement was barely maintained- as long as the washers and dryers worked it didn't matter what it looked like.

Amelia could see her breath steam up, dissipating into the cold air. Why couldn't they install heaters down here for the colder months??? It had been like this since long before she'd moved in and it would probably stay that way for as long as this building existed.

At least it was empty. Amelia did not want to deal with any of her neighbours. Not sober, and especially not high. She was burnt out from being at the mall all week and she didn't want to deal with any more social interactions until Lucia came over tomorrow.

Once her clothes had finished washing and were dumped into the dryer, Amelia made her way back upstairs and lit up a cigarette outside the apartment building. Somehow, it felt warmer outside than in the basement, and Amelia could feel her cold limbs begin to thaw as she messed about with her lighter, trying to get her cig to light.

She let the cosy floaty feeling wrap around her brain as she took a drag and let out a long breath. It was still icy outside, the snow had mostly melted but the slush had stayed due to the recent wet weather. Some of it had frozen back into ice, mostly the places where it had thinned out on the road from cars driving through it. She hoped that if Lucia drove here, she'd be safe doing so.

Lucia seemed to be on her mind a lot lately. But that was normal. It was normal to think about your friends a lot. Especially if they were coming over and you had to make your place look at least a little presentable so you didn't seem like a slob.

Amelia still needed to clean up a bit. Lucia had seen her apartment the worst it had ever been, sure, but she felt like if it looked the tiniest bit messy when she came over again then it'd feel like she was reverting back to those darker times. That she'd somehow disappointed Lucia when she'd told the woman that she wanted to get better. It was that deep sense of perfection that seemed to follow her throughout her life. She had to seem like she had her shit together, even when she knew that Lucia knew that wasn't true at all. Anything less made her feel like a failure.

If she thought about it, she was a failure in all sense of the word. She hadn't even graduated high school, hadn't gone to a good uni, or any at all, had a dead-end job in a mall in a small town no one gave a shit about. This was rock bottom for her. She'd been lucky to move out to her own place, but that was only with the continued help of Lilith and Eda. If it hadn't been for them, she wasn't sure where she'd be right now.

It took another cig to get her thoughts to calm down. She needed to think more positively. She needed to think about how much her life had improved.

Because if nothing else, she was away from her mother- the root cause of all her issues, and that at least brought with it a sense of relief.

But then she thought about her siblings. How she'd left them behind with the woman who had actively sought to hurt and berate her as often as she could. Every opportunity had been one to start a fight. To let out her frustration on someone who was powerless to stop it.

If Amelia found out Odalia had done that to her siblings after she'd left, she'd never forgive herself. That would be her breaking point. But for now...she would hope that that wasn't the case.

When she trudged back into the building, her shoulders felt heavy with the weight of what-ifs. She tried to shake the thoughts away as she went back down the the basement to pick up her laundry and take it up to her apartment where she slowly sorted through it. Doing tasks, keeping her hands busy, often left little room for her mind to wander and she was forever grateful for the distraction.

So grateful that she started cleaning her apartment. She swept the floors, took out the trash, wiped the counters, washed up the last of her plates she'd been putting off doing for a couple days now, cleaned the shower and the sink and the toilet, made her bed, fluffed up her pillows so they looked nice and enticing and then rolled another blunt.

It was pitch black outside by the time she'd finished everything, laying in bed, wrapped up in her blankets that were tucked comfortably under her chin, messing about on her phone as she felt her eyes grow more and more heavy. She was about to put it down and let sleep take her when it buzzed with a new message from Lucia.

lucia hot topic [11:46pm]: hey u still okay with me coming over tomorrow?

Amelia, sleepy and still a little high, smiled at her phone, her heart thumping in her chest. She felt...happy. She felt satisfied. She fought back the urge to start kicking her feet.

It took her a moment to realise she should probably reply to Lucia's message.

me [11:50pm]: yes

me [11:50pm]: what time are you coming?

She watched those three dots pop up on her screen and waited eagerly for the reply. She felt giddy.

lucia hot topic [11:51pm]: does midday sound okay? im gonna walk since sal needs the car for work

me [11:52pm]: that sounds good

me [11:53pm]: watch out for the ice

lucia hot topic [11:54pm]: awww i will :]

lucia hot topic [11:54pm]: u care about meeee

Amelia almost dropped her phone rushing to try and save her dignity.

me [11:54pm]: shut up or i wont let you in

lucia hot topic [11:55pm]: yes u will ^_^

me [11:57pm]: 🖕

lucia hot topic [11:58pm]: hehe

The dots came back and Amelia's fingers froze over her keyboard, waiting. They disappeared and then came back. And then disappeared.

Amelia's heart dropped, thinking this was the end of the conversation and Lucia was probably busy hanging out with Salix or getting ready for bed. Which was fine, because it was getting late and Amelia was already halfway towards unconsciousness.

She felt herself drift off until the buzz of her phone woke her back up, startling her out of an almost peaceful sleep.

lucia hot topic [12:06am]: sorry sal was asking me smth

lucia hot topic [12:07am]: just wanted to make sure all our plans were still okay ill let u sleep now

me [12:08am]: i wasnt waiting for you to reply

lucia hot topic [12:08am]: i never said that :P

lucia hot topic [12:09am]: but i can tell ur sleepy so go to bed ok?

me [12:10am] how would you know

lucia hot topic [12:11am]: its a secret

lucia hot topic [12:11am]: goodnight amelia have a good sleep <3

lucia hot topic [12:11am]: see u tomorrow!

Holy fuck was that- is that a fucking heart?????? Did Lucia just- did she....

Amelia's heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to explode out of her chest. She took in a deep, sharp breath and tried to control herself, feeling more awake than she had seconds prior. It took a lot of effort to reel herself back in enough to send a reply.

me [12:20am]: goodnight

She hesitated.

me [12:21am]: <3

Quickly shutting off her phone and practically throwing it onto her bedside table, Amelia rolled over and shoved the blankets over her head, squeezing her eyes shut. That was. Holy fuck. That was exhilarating.

It took a long time before her heart stopped racing and she could finally lay down and relax enough to actually fall asleep. Her mind was filled with Lucia as she slowly drifted off.

***

She'd forgotten to set an alarm, too distracted last night to remember, and woke up the next morning with less time to get ready than she would've liked. This wasn't too big a problem, she still had several hours to spare, more than enough time to shower and get dressed for the day and maybe even have a quick smoke.

Sending off a quick good morning text to Lucia, too nervous to text anything else after last night, she rolled out of bed, began to walk out of her room, stopped, and then made her bed. She wasn't sure why it was necessary, it wasn't like Lucia was going to spend a lot of time in her room. It just...made her feel better, keeping her apartment clean and comfortable for Lucia.

After a quick smoke out the window, keeping it open to let air circulate through her apartment so the smoke smell didn't linger, she hopped into the shower to clean herself thoroughly. After, she changed into an outfit she'd spent far too long trying to figure out.

It wasn't a big deal, Lucia was only coming over for the day to hang out. It didn't matter what she wore. She ended up choosing an oversized shirt and the usual joggers she wore around the apartment, freshly laundered from yesterday. Lucia's clean hoodie sat folded on her bed, the fresh one she'd been given next to it. 

She felt...embarrassed wearing it around Lucia even though she'd worn the woman's clothes around her before. But this felt more intimate in a way. She just couldn't explain why, so she put it out of the way, instead turning on her heating and closing the window so her apartment could warm up a little before Lucia arrived.

After that, she was thrown into waiting mode, which was awful, but she was glad she at least slept in a little bit so she wouldn't have to wait as long. Her hands itched for a cigarette, something to do in the lull of tasks, but she didn't want to stink up her clothes or apartment with cig smoke, that'd ruin the vibe, she'd decided.

Instead, she paced. She paced and picked at the black polish on her nails and bit the skin off her lips and scratched at the bumps on her face. Anything to keep her mind off Lucia, anything to keep her eyes off the clock slowly counting down the hours, and then minutes until her arrival. It was excruciating but she couldn't stop. She licked her lips and tasted blood and decided to start biting at the skin around her nails instead.

The anxiety of waiting made her want to throw up. She knew she'd be fine as soon as Lucia got there- it was the waiting that was always the worst, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. She just had to walk back and forth across her living room, listening to the way the floorboards creaked under her feet as her weight shifted, the faint sounds of cars driving past the road outside her apartment building through her closed window, it did little to stop the anxiety.

And then she got a text from Lucia saying she was on her way, and the anxiety grew tenfold before fizzling into something more akin to excitement.

Amelia was pretty sure she had everything she'd need. Her laptop had been set on the coffee table in case they wanted to watch something, she had food and drink and booze if they wanted to drink later on. She didn't need to be acting so antsy.

But it was Lucia. Lucia always made her feel this way.

And she was going to be spending the day with Lucia. Alone. Which wasn't new, but it felt different this time.

She sat down on the sofa and sighed, dragging a hand down her face, over her eye to rub at it. She leaned her head back and stared at nothing, lost in her thoughts. Lucia was almost constantly in her mind now. Lucia, Lucia Lucia. She wondered if Lucia ever thought of her as much as Amelia thought of her.

That was an overwhelming question for sure. She wasn't sure it was possible for anyone to like her as much as she liked Lucia.

There was a knock on her door.

She jolted to her feet, disoriented. Looking at the time, it seemed she'd been daydreaming for a little too long.

Lucia was here.

Another wave of anxiety threatened to make her legs buckle from under her. She forced herself to begin walking to the door, not wanting Lucia to be left waiting for too long. The key was already in the door, all she had to do was twist it and try to open the door in the least awkward way possible.

So of course, it chose this time to jam.

"Everything okay?" she heard Lucia's voice from the hallway as she tried to pull it open, leaning back with all her weight.

"Y-yeah hold on" Amelia grit her teeth.

The added pressure on the door told her that Lucia was also leaning on it, hand pulling the handle down and trying to get it to unstick and finally open. She really needed to call someone to get this fixed, but that was a worry for another time.

When the door finally unstuck, it was flung open and she stumbled back at the same time Lucia stumbled forward, letting go of the handle and trying to catch herself before she fell.

Warm hands found themselves secured to her shoulders, snaking over them onto her back, holding her, making sure she didn't fall and hurt herself. She looked up and Lucia was there, hovering so close to her that their breaths mingled with one another. Her eyes flicked down for a brief second and an overwhelming sense of deja vu hit her before she glanced back up into Lucia's deep golden brown eyes.

The woman smiled at her, hands not leaving her back, perhaps even holding her a little tighter.

"You okay?" Lucia asked, voice low.

Amelia swallowed. "Yeah," she nodded and started to pull away. Lucia's arms loosened immediately and dropped to her sides. Amelia wished she could've stayed a little longer.

A silence stretched out between them. Something was there, but neither chose to acknowledge it.

"Sorry about the door".

"It's not your fault. Maintenance probably should've at least tried to fix it while they were here fixing your heating".

"I forgot to mention it, I guess".

"But they had to walk in and out of here the entire time how would they not notice your door was like that???"

Amelia shuffled past to finally shut and lock the door.

"If you don't ask them to do a specific thing, it's unlikely they'll do it" she shrugged. "Saves them the time and money".

"This place is a shithole".

"Yeah" Amelia sighed, "but it's better than what I had before".

Even if this wasn't the best place to live, it would always beat living in the manor with her mother. And it would beat living with Lilith too, at least now she had a sense of privacy and independence she never would've gotten otherwise.

"I get that. I don't think I could deal with living by myself though".

"You've never tried?"

"Nah. When I moved out for uni, I lived in the on-campus flats with Sal and then after that I kinda just...followed them here I guess".

"They have a way of making you feel safe," Amelia said softly.

Lucia smiled, letting out a little breathy laugh. "Yeah, exactly", she agreed.

It felt good to know they had this connection. A friend to bridge the gap between them, someone who meant a lot to them. Salix had indirectly done so much for Amelia that she would forever be grateful. Lucia walked further into the apartment and made herself comfortable and Amelia hovered around her, trying to be a good host and make sure she was watered and fed.

"Oh! Wait" Amelia stopped fussing to scamper into her room and grab the neatly folded hoodie from her bed, rushing over to push it into Lucia's arms. "Uh. Here."

Lucia looked down at it and her smile widened, "Thanks! Seems like you've taken good care of it". She set it down neatly on the coffee table, her bright eyes meeting with Amelia's for a brief second.

"Of course" Amelia shrugged and looked away. She started picking at her nails again, unsure how to proceed. She felt nervous, like she was disappointing or boring Lucia even though she'd just arrived.

Lucia's hands came into view and held onto Amelia's with a gentleness that made her skin prickle pleasantly. She gently pried her fingers away from picking at her nails and the skin around them and instead, interlaced their fingers together.

"Sorry," Lucia didn't sound that sorry, her eyes were still on Amelia. "I just- I noticed you pick at your hands a lot when you're nervous and your fingers are bleeding. I don't want you to make it worse".

"Oh," she hadn't noticed the bleeding.

"I get it. I used to do it a lot when I-" Her words tapered off as Amelia's mouth continued to hang open but no words came out. "Is this okay?"

Amelia felt Lucia's hands start to pull back as she shook her head and then cursed at herself for being so stupid. "Yes!" she said, hoping it wasn't too late and they could maybe stay intertwined for a bit longer. "It's. It's okay. I um. Yeah".

"Let me help clean up the blood".

Lucia's hands were so very gentle. No one had ever held her hands in such a way, no one had ever inspected the little bumps and scars on her skin where she'd bitten her cuticles to the point of bleeding and then some, or where she'd jammed her finger into her door trying to close it the first month of living in this apartment. No one had ever studied the little intricacies of her hands before. It felt almost lewd in a way. It felt. It felt exposing. She half expected Lucia to stick a finger in her mouth to lick up the blood and was grateful when she grabbed some damp tissue and a bandaid instead because Amelia wasn't sure what she'd do with herself if that actually happened. Drop dead on the spot, perhaps.

It stung but not as much as it usually would. Lucia made the skin around her hands feel all tingly and nice with her soft, gentle touches, and once everything had been patched up and sorted out and Lucia let go, she had to stop herself from reaching out for her hand once again.

"I know you don't really like being touched," Lucia said in an apologetic tone. "I just can't seem to help myself when I'm around you".

"I don't mind".

"You don't have to force yourself to like it, Amelia".

"I like it" She hoped her tone conveyed that she was telling the truth. It was getting hard to keep her voice level with all the emotions running through her right now. Her heart was thundering in her chest.

Lucia made a little pleased noise. "Good to know" she smiled and Amelia's heart sped up. "Cause I was thinking...would you want me to help dye your hair?"

"Oh!"

"I mean, only if you want to!! You can say no!"

"NO. Uh. I mean yes. Yeah. I'd like that! Have you ever done it before?" She felt embarrassed to say it, but she really did like it when Lucia was close to her.

Lucia scratched at the back of her neck sheepishly. "No, but it can't be that hard can it?"

Amelia supposed she wouldn't know because she usually just winged it. She didn't really give a shit if it turned out good or not because she didn't care what some random stranger who passed her on the street thought about it. It had started fading several months before she'd even met Lucia, she just hadn't had the time or energy to redo it until now, she supposed.

"Not if you don't care about it looking good".

"I think it'll look good on you either way".

Amelia's face felt warm. She turned her back to Lucia so she couldn't see it.

"I think I have some old bleach in the bathroom, let me go check" she excused herself from the living room.

"Does bleach go off?" Lucia called after her, watching over the back of the sofa.

"After like, a year I think. Last time I used it was like...a month or so before you moved here so it should be fine". Leaving the door ajar so she could still talk to Lucia, she crouched down and started rooting around the bathroom for the half-used box of bleach she knew was around there somewhere.

"How long have you lived here then?"

Amelia hesitated, not sure whether she wanted to spill her entire life story and why she was even in Bonesborough in the first place to Lucia right now. It wasn't like she didn't trust Lucia, of course she did. It just felt a little too heavy right now, like it'd put a dampen on their plans.

"A long time" was all she said, and knew that Lucia wouldn't pry. She was so thankful for that. She'd tell Lucia everything eventually, but right now she just wanted to relax and spend some time with her.

"Why Bonesborough then?"

"I didn't have anywhere else to go".

No one wanted me.

She heard Lucia pick up her mug and sip thoughtfully. Amelia continued her search.

Except it seemed as if the box had vanished and she hadn't even noticed until now. Which was odd because she hadn't touched it since the last time she'd needed it.

"Hey" she poked her head out of the bathroom and Lucia glanced over at her. "Do you remember a little black box on my bathroom counter when you were here cleaning the- uh. The mould?"

"Hmm. Not that I recall no" The couch shifted as Lucia got up. Her footfalls echoed across the floor to the bathroom, where she stepped in and hovered behind Amelia, looking over her shoulder. "Want me to ask Sal?"

"No, they're busy I wouldn't want to disturb them over something dumb" Amelia sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I think someone threw it out. If it wasn't you, it was probably maintenance".

"They're just throwing anything out now, huh" Lucia stood up straight, crossing her arms over her chest. "Wanna go get some more? Or do you wanna stay in, I really don't mind what we do as long as I get to spend time with you".

Amelia's heart fluttered and she forcibly tamped it down, determined to let Lucia dye her hair. The thought of Lucia running her hands through her hair was...

She couldn't think about it for too long.

"No let's go get some, I've been putting it off for too long".

Lucia perked up, and finished off her drink, setting it in the sink with the promise of cleaning it later as Amelia put her boots on. She passed over Amelia's headphones and Amelia took them, face warm from the reminder of her past breakdown at the store, and slid them around her neck. Lucia didn't seem to mind that she needed them, didn't comment on it at all, but she still felt a trace of shame.

It was bitterly cold outside and the ice was still on the roads, making them have to slow down a considerable amount when crossing so they wouldn't slip. Lucia chattered away, wishing for warmer weather, or at least for the ice to thaw enough that it was safer to walk around outside. The wind bit at Amelia's face, turning it numb, but she didn't mind because Lucia was standing right next to her, bumping their shoulders with every step.

Lucia was an affectionate person and Amelia was not used to this sort of contact at all. Not that it was a bad thing. In fact, it felt like a very, very good thing right now, but it was overwhelming all the same. She would never tell Lucia to stop, though. In fact, if Lucia wanted to like, hold her hand or something while they walked, she wouldn't complain.

It seemed they'd been only getting closer, even since Amelia had moved back into her own apartment, and she could only hope that it'd stay this way forever. She cherished Lucia more than she would ever know, and she hoped one day she'd be able to show how much the woman meant to her as a friend.

The walk to the store went by faster with Lucia beside her, and she didn't even feel nervous when she walked through the doors and was met with the usual blast of noise. She slid her headphones over her ears and kept close to Lucia as she walked down the aisles, trying to find where the hair stuff was. It wasn't much, just a small aisle near the back of the store that no one really seemed to care about. Amelia was sure that every time she'd come here to buy bleach, she was the only one there. But to be fair, this was a small town with a lot of older people, so she supposed it made sense.

She grabbed the cheapest box she could find, not caring about the quality because they all did the same job at the end of the day. Lucia made them make a detour to grab more snacks and then offered to pay for everything. Amelia tried to say it was fine, but Lucia insisted, flashing her a bright smile that made her glare at her boots and pass over the box.

Lucia was so sweet and courteous and caring and everything in a person that Amelia had always thought she would never be allowed to deserve. She'd always been told that she'd corrupt people like that if they stayed near her for long enough. She could never make someone better, only worse. She'd always thought she'd made Salix worse when they were kids, and the fact that they were doing so well for themself, even after Amelia left had sort of reinforced that idea. She still felt bad, she always would. It was hard not to.

But then Lucia nudged her out of the store and smiled at her and offered to carry the bag back to her apartment and she felt her chest feel just that little bit lighter. Like maybe she did deserve someone like this in her life. Maybe Lucia would make her the better person, not the other way around. Lucia was pure in every sense of the word. Lucia could not corrupt her.

Could she corrupt Lucia? The woman was far too stubborn to deal with her bullshit. She'd seen pretty much everything at this point and still wanted to be her friend.

That made her feel good. About herself, her life, and her friendship with Lucia and Salix.

This time, the door was less of a pain in the ass to open, but Lucia made Amelia promise to call someone about it soon anyways.

"It could be dangerous!" Lucia had insisted, setting the bag down, "What if there's a fire?"

Amelia had had such little care about whether she lived or died that she hadn't really thought about that. She just shrugged and Lucia frowned and made her write it down on a sticky note and put it on her fridge so she wouldn't forget.

The hair dye was brought out and stood next to the bleach. Amelia was still mesmerised by the fact Lucia had found the exact colour she used, even with her hair being as washed out as it was. She'd need to bleach her roots and then redye everything so it was more vibrant. It'd been so, so long since she'd done this.

"So! How do we start?" Lucia asked eagerly, just as excited about this as Amelia was, if not perhaps a little more.

"First, you need gloves for the bleach. They should be in the box" She handed over the box and Lucia started picking at the tape to open up the top. "And I need to change real quick".

She scampered off and left Lucia to mess about mixing up the bleach as she ducked into her room and tried to find the shirt she usually wore when dyeing her hair. It was better to have one bleach-stained shirt than multiple, she'd decided early on. It was hiding underneath her fresh laundry and she plucked it out and quickly changed into it.

It was big and baggy and hung off her shoulders, stained with bleach and hair dye and whatever other hair products Amelia had used. She'd washed it multiple times even if she hadn't dyed her hair in a while but it still had that faint chemical smell that came with bleach and other related hair products, as if had seeped into the fabric.

Lucia had looked her up and down as soon as she'd come back into the living room and Amelia had watched her face turn red as she went back to her task. She felt a warmth spread all over her, down each limb in turn until she felt as if she were on fire, and blindly followed Lucia into the bathroom once everything was ready.

"Are you sure you don't mind me doing this?" Lucia asked as she put the gloves on.

Amelia stared at her hands. "I don't mind".

"Just making sure-"

"You don't need to. I want you to do this".

Lucia stood her in front of the mirror so she could get a decent look if the woman was doing everything correctly. She made eye contact with Lucia through the mirror and Lucia grinned at her as she scooped up a little handful of bleach.

"It's cold" she commented idly, as if to herself, "are you ready?"

Amelia nodded, hands squeezed into little fists because Lucia was about to touch her hair. She was about to run her hands through her hair. God- could she even deal with this right now???

Too late to back out now. Lucia was massaging the bleach into her scalp and Amelia made the most embarrassing noise in the back of her throat she had ever heard. It was almost enough for her to run far, far away.

Lucia chuckled. "Feel good?" She started slowly working it into her roots.

Amelia shut her mouth tight and didn't respond, staring into the sink and refusing to look back up into the mirror until Lucia was done.

The wait between washing the bleach out and applying the dye was almost excruciating. Lucia insisted they move back to the living room and break open a few snacks while they waited and Amelia found herself sitting next to Lucia on the sofa anxiously tapping her thighs, feeling hot. Way too hot. Maybe she should turn the heating down? Or open a window?

It was mid-afternoon, the sun was starting to lower in the sky already, bringing with it possibly more rain and a chill that seeped into your bones. Amelia still felt overheated as she washed the bleach out and then stood back in front of the mirror with damp hair that was slicked back out of her eyes by Lucia's gentle hands. She tried not to acknowledge the feeling of them working out the knots in her hair as they glided down her back, working in the dye. She tried not to think about how good it felt. She tried not to make any more noise, putting all her energy into that because she didn't want to embarrass herself any more than she already did.

Lucia hummed happily as she worked, seeming to enjoy playing with Amelia's hair. It was an almost intimate act, in a way. Amelia had never let someone do this for her. But she could reluctantly accept that maybe she'd want Lucia to do it again in the future.

But for now, she would keep all these thoughts and feelings in her mind, and come back to them when she was feeling shitty about her life. Because really, it could be worse. At least she had Lucia. Lucia who cared so much about her, who'd dye her hair and make dumb jokes that made Amelia roll her eyes to get some of the tension out of her shoulders. Who'd offer to order takeout for them as Amelia gave her hair one final wash, and then plated it up for them both while she picked out a movie for them to watch while they ate.

Amelia had never truly felt this way about anyone else.

Or maybe she had, just once. When she'd been a teenager, dealing with all sorts of confusing feelings. Mistaking platonic love for something else.

Or maybe she was just thinking too hard about it. It didn't matter, not right now. All she cared about was Lucia, Lucia, Lucia.

Notes:

got silly with this one teehee :3 NOW things will start going faster i prommy <3

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 32

"Why'd you start dyeing your hair anyways?"

It was the beginning of the evening, everything had settled down. Amelia's hair was still slightly damp, drying in the stale air of her apartment. The empty plates from their dinner were stacked on the coffee table next to her laptop, playing some movie she wasn't fully paying attention to. Most of her attention was on someone else. Her eyes landed on Lucia, who was staring at her with her bright eyes that made Amelia's insides twist.

She dwelled on the question for a moment. "It was very impulsive" Her eyes dropped from Lucia's to stare anywhere else, her face heating up. "I was...not in a good place and had- I don't know what it was. A breakdown?? I'd just moved into this apartment and I was struggling" It was hard to recall a lot of those memories because she had been in a really bad headspace and a lot of them were foggy. She'd started smoking a lot more during this time, to escape her thoughts, to do literally anything else than sit and dwell in the loneliness that surrounded her.

Sure, she'd been happy to get away from Lilith. The newfound sense of independence had felt good.

Until it hadn't. Until the loneliness hit her and she was left scrambling underwater, trying desperately to get back to the surface so she wouldn't drown.

She vaguely remembered the alcohol and weed combo that had made her black out and call Eda. She vaguely remembered what she'd said. Sobbing to the woman on the phone about wanting to die- enough so that she'd come over to make sure she wouldn't do anything stupid.

Amelia had not let her in. Had sat by the door, leaning against it because standing was hard and made her head sway and the nausea hit her full force, using her body to block the door from being opened even though it was locked.

Eda had threatened to call the police and Amelia had been too out of it to really consider what that would mean. Not much, now that she thought back on it. She'd turned 18, she was a legal adult, so she wouldn't have to worry about her mother. They probably would've held her overnight, sent her to a hospital to get checked, and then dumped her back onto the streets of Bonesborough. A waste of everyone's time.

But instead of doing that, Eda had spoken to her. She'd let Amelia yell and sob and swear at her through the door, and spoken back to her in a calming voice. At least Amelia speaking had been an indication that she was still alive.

Looking back, it was definitely an attempt to distract her. And it had worked, from what little she remembered.

It was embarrassing, though. She wished it had never happened. She wished she had respected her tolerance and not drank so much.

Eda had stayed in the hallway all night, until Amelia had woken up to the sound of yelling from outside her door. She'd fallen asleep on the floor and her head had been pounding so hard she could barely stand, but she remembered hearing Eda's voice arguing with one of her neighbours outside and immediately feeling like it wasn't the end of the world.

She'd timidly let Eda in because she felt had about making the woman stay outside the entire night. They didn't speak about it. Eda made breakfast while Amelia showered and then after she'd eaten a few bites and thrown it back up, she'd taken a nap in her bed.

When she'd woken up, the older woman was gone. She'd put the leftovers in the fridge and a sticky note that told her to call her if she needed anything no matter what time it was. She'd told Amelia she'd check up on her after work, and tell Lilith that the reason she hadn't come in for work was because she wasn't feeling well.

Amelia was forever grateful that word hadn't gotten back to Lilith about the event.

Eda had come over a few times after that, and often checked up on her after her shifts at work too. Amelia had found it annoying, embarrassing that she couldn't even look after herself even after all the fuss she'd made wanting to live by herself.

But it had consequences too. Eda would not give her any more weed, would try and make it so she had the least amount of substances to abuse in her apartment as possible. It hadn't stopped Amelia from seeking it elsewhere, which in itself had ended up with her almost in the hospital. It was only after, that Eda reluctantly agreed to give her weed, because at least she knew it'd be a lot safer than whatever shit she'd found on the streets.

Amelia had hated her life. Had not wanted to live the life she was given.

She'd needed a change. A drastic change, something to knock her brain back into place. She knew deep down that she truly did not want to die.

It was so scary- having these thoughts. She needed to get back to the surface.

"It....wasn't green at first" Amelia blinked and suddenly she was back in her apartment, sitting next to Lucia, her deep brown eyes grounding her.

"Oh?" Lucia prompted. Her knee was pressed comfortingly against her thigh.

"Y-yeah. I mean. You saw what little the selection was at the store. I started off just buying bleach and it sorta just...went from there".

If she felt shitty about her life, she would dye her hair, or give herself another piercing, or pick at her skin, or smoke a cigarette. It wasn't the healthiest coping mechanism, but it was what she needed to do to live.

"We don't have to keep talking about it if you don't want to" Lucia said softly as Amelia trailed off.

"No, it's okay. I just...I've never talked to anyone about this before. I don't really think about it much because it was a really dark time in my life, I guess".

"I'm sorry you had to go through that alone." There was an almost mournful lilt to Lucia's voice.

"It's fine. I had Eda and Lilith but it was just- really hard to admit that I was struggling".

"It's more difficult when you don't have someone your age you can talk to. I mean, this town isn't the most ideal place for high school graduates to move to, I understand that it must've been really lonely".

"I'm glad you didn't know me back then. I would've been awful to you". Even more than she already had been when they'd first met, she supposed. But back then, she wouldn't have even considered getting close to Lucia at all. If she'd been sick and fainted, she would've sucked it up and gone back to her apartment to get worse.

Lucia leaned back, her arm resting over the back of the sofa, close to Amelia's head. "Couldn't have been any worse than when I first moved away. Independence feels good those first couple  months, but then you have to ask for help and that's the scary part" She tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling. "I didn't use the kitchen for the first month or so because the stove was different from what I was used to and my brain kept telling me that if I used it I'd like, explode the entire flat or something. Just some dumb shit. I ordered takeout instead, but then I started running out of money and I was still looking for a job so I couldn't afford to eat out constantly and it was just- Sal really saved my ass for that one. And I was so rude to them at first because I sucked at making friends back then".

"That's surprising to hear considering you're so...."

"I know right?" Lucia chuckled, face twisting into a little grin. "I wanted to make friends so bad, but I was used to being alone and it was hard to adjust to not really having many people in my life to just...living with a bunch of people my age".

"You didn't make friends in high school?" Now that the subject was drifting away from her past, Amelia couldn't help but feel curious about Lucia's own. It seemed as if she'd had somewhat similar struggles and had overcome them, and Amelia hoped that with Lucia's help, she too could do the same.

"Not really. I had a few people who I was friendly with, but that was mostly so that I could get any missed work done before the deadline so word wouldn't get back to my mum that I'd skipped as much as I did".

The thought of skipping classes was so foreign to Amelia that she almost reeled back. Her parents had had the school wrapped around their finger, all her teachers had known that if she were to not be in class that day, they had to notify them. If Amelia so much as stepped out of school grounds before she was supposed to, her parents would be notified and she'd be punished for it. She wouldn't be allowed to have dinner, she'd have to make up for lost time doing extra studying while locked in her room for the rest of the day or, if her mother was in a particularly bad mood, she'd been hit.

"But she knew you skipped?" Amelia asked warily.

Lucia shrugged. "Yeah. She wasn't happy about it, but she was so busy there wasn't really anything she could do about it".

Amelia tried not to let the fear creep up in her chest, past memories coming back to the front of her brain of her being punished. Of Lucia getting hurt by the one person who was supposed to love her the most. She hoped that wasn't the case, Lucia was not deserving of such a thing as she was.

"Hm".

"So yeah. Uni was definitely difficult at first, but I learnt a lot and became a better person because of it. Plus, if I hadn't met Sal, I wouldn't have met you".

"You say that like it's a good thing".

Lucia shuffled forward, closer to Amelia. "Because it is, dumbass. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be sitting here".

Amelia could feel the warmth emanating from Lucia even from her spot on the sofa pressed up against the corner. She felt her face heat up, that little self-deprecating slip of the tongue that she'd been trying so hard to avoid had come back. But she was in a rather fragile state of mind right now, she couldn't help it.

"Y-you could be doing this for Sal" she suggested instead, digging the knife in deeper.

Lucia's face fell and Amelia almost opened her mouth to take it back.

"Do you really think that?" she asked.

"I. No. No of course I don't. I'm sorry".

Lucia still looked wary, perhaps a little more guarded, but her shoulders relaxed somewhat.

"Sorry," Amelia said again, voice weak. She really needed to stop talking immediately before she made everything worse. God, she was such an idiot, she didn't deserve someone as good as Lucia. Did she really deserve any of this?

"It's fine. I just...please don't say things like that".

Amelia knew intimately what it felt like to have someone like you for ulterior motives. Salix had been the only person she could truly trust after all the shit she'd had to go through during school. Guilt made her want to vomit, she felt like absolute shit for hurting Lucia. She felt like she might cry.

"I won't. Sorry" her voice sounded wobbly. There was a lump in her throat. She felt so pathetic.

Lucia meant so much to her and here she was fucking everything up. It happened again and again, a cycle she could never pull herself out of. She couldn't stop fucking up her own life, even if it felt as if she was getting better, she was always pushed back down by her own stupid fucking brain.

And once again, Lucia was her saviour. Lucia, who she had hurt, was there to pull her back out of the mud. How sad that she couldn't do it herself, that she had to rely on the person she'd hurt in the first place.

"That was some heavy stuff" Lucia was back to smiling at her as Amelia tried not to fall apart. "Wanna go smoke?"

She shouldn't. But she needed to. Those were two very different things.

Amelia nodded because she couldn't trust herself to talk. She grabbed her tin and followed Lucia down the stairs.

Her hair had dried and was wispy in the cold evening air. A fresh coat of paint, something that was supposed to make her feel good, but right now all she felt was the suffocating feeling in the chest that she'd fucked up anything she could've had with Lucia.

She leaned against the wall, opening her tin and taking out the blunt, slipping it between her lips as she dug around for her lighter.

Lucia was looking at her, eyes trailing over her face, watching her hands as she flicked on the lighter and held it to the blunt, waiting for it to catch.

"I like your nails," she said as Amelia took the first drag.

"I need to repaint them" Most of the polish had been chipped off by her anxious chewing.

Lucia took her hand into one of her own and traced a finger over a nail. Amelia's heart started thudding so loud it made her ears throb,  her emotions still running high from earlier. She almost dropped the blunt in surprise.

"When we go back up, do you think you could do mine?"

Amelia blinked. Took another hit of the blunt. And nodded.

"You want me to do your nails?" she asked dumbly.

Lucia nodded, "Yeah! I haven't painted them in forever. I was thinking of visiting you at the mall to see what colours you guys have".

"We've got pretty much everything" Amelia passed the blunt over to Lucia and snickered when she took a hit and immediately started hacking up her lungs. She felt the weight in her chest lift ever so slightly.

"Augh" Lucia groaned once she'd finished her coughing fit. "Does this ever get easier?"

"I think you're doing it wrong".

"Am not! I'm doing it the same as you!!"

"Uh huh sure. Gimme" She held out her hand for the blunt.

Things seemed to go back to normal after that. Amelia enjoyed teasing Lucia and Lucia took to it easily, making jabs back until the pair were doubled over giggling at each other, feeling light and happy and perhaps a little high. In their little corner by her apartment building, quiet save for a car passing by every now and then, paying them no mind, it was just them. Them against the rest of the world.

Amelia still felt bad. The little frown Lucia had given her was burned into her mind, but as long as she could make the woman happy, maybe she would never have to see her like that again. She vowed to never be the cause of that frown ever again.

She felt good. Her brain felt like it was floating. She grabbed the front of Lucia's jacket as her boots slipped out from under her due to the ice and Lucia caught her easily, pulling her in close to her chest. She rest her chin on top of Amelia's head and hummed happily.

"You're so small. So tiny. What the hell".

"What- hey!" Amelia tried to pull away to glare at her and Lucia giggled.

"Noo come back, your hair smells nice".

"It smells like bleach and dye".

"Nuh uh. It smells like your shampoo. I like it, it smells good. Come here" the arms around her tightened. Amelia stopped struggling and let it happen.

***

It took them a while to part from the hug. It was only when Amelia started shivering from the cold that Lucia let go and they trudged back up to her apartment.

They sat on the floor as Amelia sorted through her mostly stolen nail polish collection and let Lucia pick out a colour. Her hands shook as she applied the black polish, messing it up but Lucia didn't seem to care.

"I wanna match with you!" she'd said, her face looking a little red.

Amelia had tried not to think too hard about that, because it was such a cute, thoughtful little thing to say that it made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She'd used to match nail polish with Salix back when they'd been kids until Sal had stopped wanting to paint their nails altogether and Amelia had never wanted to force them back into it. She always thought they'd grown out of it- had seen it as a childish activity that they were too old for, so Amelia had stopped doing it too, for a while.

She started up again once she'd gotten the job at the mall, because stealing nail polish was easier and cheaper than buying it herself. It had become a routine for her, much like dyeing her hair, except it had mostly been an attempt to try and stop herself from biting her nails, which hadn't worked.

And now there she was, painting Lucia's nails so they matched. And maybe it wasn't some dumb childish thing like she'd convinced herself it was. Maybe it was just something fun to do between two friends. Maybe it brought them closer together.

Lucia looked satisfied with the results, holding their hands together to compare. Lucia's hands were always so soft and warm and Amelia let her hands be held in them, a feeling of security washing over her.

By the time they'd done, it was getting late and Amelia didn't want Lucia to walk back home alone so she made her call Salix to come pick her up. They'd agreed and the two had sat and chatted while they waited.

When Lucia was gone, the apartment felt empty. Amelia sighed, too tired to clean up the mess. She poured herself a glass of water and shuffled into her room to lay in bed and wait for Lucia to send her a text that she was back home.

The text came and she sent a thumbs-up emoji and set her phone down, throwing her blankets over her and letting sleep finally take her.

***

The way Lucia is looking at you makes your insides churn. You're back in the field but instead of sitting in the sun, you're tucked away under a tree in the shade, sitting on the large roots that protrude from the ground. There are a few more trees near you but this one is the biggest and shadiest and Lucia had insisted you come to this specific one so that she could climb it.

You're sitting on one of its many roots, watching Lucia with a fond smile you can't keep off your face. Lucia's eyes shine with unparalleled joy and you find yourself falling over and over again for the way she grins at you.

It's the sort of grin of pure happiness that you never thought could ever be directed at you. You never thought you could ever make someone this happy and yet here she was, proving you wrong over and over again. Lucia really was one of a kind.

You always wonder what Lucia thinks of you in times like these. Does she feel the same? Does she think that you helped her the way she helped you?

Asking these questions out loud sounds far too scary, so you let your mind dwell on them instead.

Lucia hops down from the tree and her boots hit the dirt with a soft thump. The impact of the drop forces her to readjust herself and she falls forward, barely managing to catch herself before she gets a face full of dirt.

You snicker at her as she wobbles and hear her huff at you. She stands up and walks over, dropping down beside you and leaning into your side. The added warmth makes your skin feel like it's on fire, but you instinctively put an arm around her anyways.

It's hot and bright and one of Lucia's hands is gently moving your hair from your face, tucking it behind your ear. She keeps it there for a few beats, cupping your cheek and gazing into your eyes.

"I love the way your eyes look in the sun," she says, slowly rubbing her thumb across your cheek.

"They're nothing special" you reply, flustered.

Lucia leans closer. "You're just saying that 'cause they're your eyes. To me, they are the most beautiful things I've ever seen".

You swallow nervously. "You always say that".

"Because it's true!"

"Well um. Y- you're-" You trail off because Lucia's thumb traces over your lips and your brain short circuits.

Lucia knows what she's doing, you can tell in the way she holds herself. That confident little smirk, she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. You can't help it, you can't help but be pulled closer. She has you and she knows it.

"I'm what?" she asks.

"Oh. Um. Y-"

She chooses this time to close the gap. You feel her lips on yours, the brief feeling of pressure before she begins to part them.

***

Amelia shuddered awake, feeling overheated under her blankets. She sat up, rubbing at her eyes as sleep slowly drained from her. Beside her, her phone buzzed, which was probably the reason she woke up in the first place. Dammit, why hadn't she put in on silent before she fell asleep last night???

Grumbling to herself, she reached over and grabbed it.

Lucia was texting her, yapping about something exciting that seemed to be happening soon. Amelia's eyes were still bleary from sleep, she needed to take a shower or something before she could even think about replying.

She got out of bed and stumbled out of her room with Lucia still on her mind. Whatever she'd been texting about seemed to have her in high spirits, which was good. Amelia was sure that she'd feel the same way once she woke up some more.

Fuck, the living room was a mess, she hadn't tidied last night. She'd have to do that later so she wouldn't have to worry about it when she went back to work on Monday. She sighed and picked her way into the bathroom to have a quick shower and then find something to eat for breakfast.

She turned the shower on, perhaps a little colder than she would normally have it because she was feeling overly warm right now, folded her clothes on the closed toilet lid, and stepped in.

The lukewarm water seemed to shock her back to reality, whatever lingering feelings from her dream left. She cleaned herself quickly before the shower got too cold to bear, and slipped on Lucia's hoodie as she exited the bathroom.

She'd given back Lucia's other hoodie with the promise of returning the current one next week. Lucia had offered to give her another hoodie and Amelia had abashedly agreed to make it a recurring thing, because the scent of Lucia's clothes was comforting. It helped her sleep, in a way. It helped with the nightmares too.

It was hard to think about all the bad things that had happened in her life when the smell of Lucia was all around her, wrapping her up into a big warm hug, even if the woman wasn't there.

Yesterday had been good. She hoped they would be able to do it again soon. She already missed Lucia's presence, even if she knew she'd see her at work tomorrow. Maybe next time she'd be the one to initiate it- but that was unlikely. Lucia made her nervous, and she'd never been very good at initiating plans, even with Salix.

But, there was a first time for everything, and she wanted to keep Lucia in her life for as long as possible.

With a coffee brewing, Amelia finally picked up her phone, ready to reply to Lucia and then eat something before getting started on cleaning up her apartment. There wasn't much she needed to do, just wash up the plates they'd used for dinner last night and a few other things that needed to be thrown out. And then she could spend the rest of the day lounging, maybe smoke a bit, talk to Lucia and watch a dumb TV show to pass the time. That sounded nice.

She turned on her phone and noticed she'd been added to a group chat with Sal and Lucia. They were talking about something that she needed to scroll up to find context for.

The second she saw the word 'christmas' her heart dropped.

Notes:

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 33

Amelia had never had a very good time during the holiday season. Neglectful parents who barely knew their own kids would do that to someone. Everything she'd even been gifted from her parents were things that they thought she'd like. Things that they liked, things that they thought would help her, would make her normal. Christmas time had been especially hard, because she was forced to be with her parents for the entire day. She would be trapped in the kitchen to help cook for her family and would get yelled at for any little thing. She'd be close to tears by the time food was ready, close to completely shutting down.

The only positive thing she could remember was that her mother never got physical with her during those times, but only because her siblings were around. It was a small respite- at least the horrible woman was sane enough not to do anything in front of her siblings. It was worth it if it meant her siblings were safe, she would take anything if it meant they didn't get hurt.

When she'd run away, she'd always hoped things had gotten slightly better for them. Maybe if she left, her parents would realise how shitty they'd been and try to take a step in the right direction. It was a bit of a reach to expect that from them, but it was what was needed to help her sleep at night.

Christmas with Lilith and Eda had been...different. She hadn't expected much because she was used to getting the bare minimum. Her first Christmas in Bonesborough, she'd woken up late to the faint sound of chattering coming from outside her room. There was music, footsteps walking back and forth, and for a moment, she'd forgotten what day it had been. It had been pretty normal for Lilith to listen to the radio while she went about the apartment and the mall had been closed for the holidays so she didn't have work. Amelia had been going down to the mall with her a couple days a week to get a feel for working there for the past month or so, but she was still distant with the woman and had no desire to get closer to her. 

As the days had ticked by, she'd been dreading Christmas more and more. She'd hated when Lilith fussed over her, she didn't like the attention, she didn't want anything that Lilith had to offer apart from food, shelter and money so she could get the fuck out of her apartment and into one of her own.

The second it had dawned on her what day it was, she tossed her blankets back over her head and went back to sleep.

Overall, it had been a bittersweet day. Lilith had woken her up early afternoon and given her gifts which she refused to open in front of the older woman. Lilith had taken her down to the pub where she'd been told she could eat as much as she wanted when presented with the biggest Christmas dinner she had ever seen. It had smelt good, it had made her mouth water, but she'd controlled herself. She hadn't wanted to be greedy.

That evening, Amelia had sat on her bed, the door closed, Lilith watching TV in the living room, and opened the gifts. It hadn't been much, just clothes and more of the shower stuff she'd offhandedly mentioned she'd liked, but it had been thoughtful, and that was what made Amelia sniffle, wiping back tears before they threatened to fall.

More bittersweet Christmases came and went after that. The second one in Bonesborough, Lilith had allowed her to drink during their meal, and had learned very quickly that Amelia had little regard for her body's alcohol tolerance. After that, she'd been limited to two (single shot) drinks during her meal, which was lame as fuck. Lilith was such a spoilsport.

When she'd moved out, Lilith had insisted on keeping up the tradition, though this time Eda had joined them, perhaps still a little worried about her after her little...breakdown. Amelia had hated being doted on, especially because she was an adult now and she could look after herself, but deep down she'd been grateful for the company.

She'd still never enjoyed the holidays. They brought back a lot of difficult memories and feelings that she did not want to dwell on, especially about her siblings. She really hoped they were doing okay.

Amelia sat down heavily and stared at her phone, watching Lucia excitedly type away about going back to see her family again, and felt a lump form in her throat. She had no doubt that Sal would be going to see their dads and Amelia would be left alone until the new year. Sure, she had Lilith and Eda, she'd always spent time with them during the holidays, but it had been so, so long since she'd had people her own age in such close proximity to her. It hurt to know they'd toss her away like this.

She couldn't let this get to her. They couldn't know that she was upset by this, so she shut off her phone and stood back up to make her coffee and do mindless chores instead. She heard her phone buzz as she took the first sip of her drink, scrunching up her face at the bitter taste. She chugged it, ignoring the burning in her throat and then went about her chores with a weight in her chest. She didn't want this to ruin her day, she knew she was being overdramatic, but she couldn't help how she felt.

Lucia would leave, but then she'd come back and they could hang out again and everything would be okay! Everything would go back to normal!

Fuck, why was she acting like a child over this? It had been one message, one reference that Lucia was leaving for what? A week at most? Get over it.

Lucia didn't owe her shit, she could leave if she wanted to and Amelia didn't need to get so worked up over it. It didn't matter.

She wiped at her eyes and pulled out a cigarette to try and calm herself down. Her hands shook slightly as she opened the window a crack and sat beside it like she usually did. She took a drag, and then another, and then another, and ashed the cig on the windowsill.

The weight in her chest shifted but didn't leave like she'd hoped it would. She still felt like absolute shit- like her mood had been ruined by one simple text. She wished she could just get over herself.

Amelia spent the rest of the day moping about her apartment. She smoked through her pack of cigarettes and then got mad at herself for doing so because it meant she'd have to pick up more at the store tomorrow and that was an effort she didn't know she had. She let herself rot in bed and swiped away any notifications that popped up, not wanting to interact with anyone in the mood she was in. The mood she'd worked herself up into because of one stupid message.

Every time she thought she was getting better, she was thrown back down into the dirt, it seemed. This time, it was completely her own fault, though.

The sleep she had that night was not great. She'd stressed herself out enough that falling asleep had been difficult and taken a lot longer than normal. She'd tossed and turned, grumbling to herself, pushing her face into the pillow to try and keep her eyes shut. Once sleep finally took her, it was restless.

***

Her alarm woke her up from a dream that faded from her memory as soon as she opened her eyes. Her chest felt heavy, like there was a weight resting where her heart was supposed to be, trying to drag her down back into bed.

The temptation to switch off her alarm was there. Just...roll over and go back to sleep. It would be so easy to text Lilith and tell her she wasn't feeling well- she hadn't done that in years, not even when she truly was ill, and especially not when she'd passed out in the backroom, so the older woman was sure to believe her.

But then there was Lucia. She should go for Lucia, she knew that. She wanted to spend as much time as she could before she left because what if she never came back? What if she'd only come to Bonesborough to see Eda, an old family friend, and was now going to go back to her family and find work closer to them?

The tightness was squeezing her chest to the point where she couldn't breathe. She tugged at the collar of her shirt in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure, feeling nauseous and light-headed.

Fuck, maybe she should call off just for today so she could get her shit together....

Amelia felt bad lying to Lilith, especially after the talk they'd had clearing everything up. She had lied a lot to the woman in the past, she hadn't been good to her like she should've been. But she was also on the precipice of a panic attack and would be in a bad mood all day anyways, so really, she was saving Lilith the trouble of having to deal with her bullshit.

With shaky hands she picked up her phone and sent off a text to Lilith before dropping back down into bed, then sitting back up because her breathing became more ragged when she was laying on her back or side, as if her lungs were filled up to the brim with ice-cold water. If she sat up, it was like they were only filled part way instead of almost overflowing.

She was vaguely aware that her phone went off, probably Lilith texting back, asking if she was okay and needed anything. She could reply later, right now she needed to stop being such a drama queen.

Lucia would not forget her when she left. Lucia would come back. Lucia liked her, she was Amelia's friend. Friends don't just abandon each other like that-

Well...normal friends didn't.

Fuck. now she felt even worse.

Amelia buried her head in her hands and tried to focus on evening out her breathing. She needed to get some water or something. Maybe some food too, she didn't remember if she'd eaten anything substantial the day before.

It took a few tries to stand up in her withered state. She shuffled out of her room and into the living room, leaning against the wall as her head swooped and nausea rose up her throat at the movement. She had to take a few deep breaths and stay still as her mouth started to water- a telltale sign that she was close to throwing up.

Okay, maybe she wouldn't eat anything just yet, but she was sure some water would help. She filled a glass to the brim with cold water and spilt a little bit down her shirt as she raised it to her lips. Her hands were shaking but she wasn't really processing how bad it was, her mind felt like it was everywhere and nowhere at once. She took a few clumsy gulps of the water and felt it go down and sit within the weight of her chest.

Amelia wasn't sure how long she stood at her kitchen counter, taking small sips of water and trying to recount five things she could see, four things she could touch and three things she could hear. If she focused hard enough, she could almost hear Lucia's gentle voice guiding her through the questions like she had back at her apartment.

That calmed her down more than she thought it would considering she was sure Lucia had been part of the reason she was in this state in the first place. Not that it was Lucia's fault, she knew it was her own fault, but Lucia's text her definitely tipped her over the edge of insecurity.

She was insecure about her place in Lucia's life. No matter how much the woman told her she meant something to her, Amelia still felt weary. If she lost Lucia, she didn't know what she'd do.

If she lost Lucia, would she lose Salix too? What if she went back to how things had been before they stumbled into her life?

Well, if that really did happen, she would let it. They were their own people who could make their own decisions. They didn't need to be weighed down by someone like Amelia.

She sighed and finished off her water, the weight receding ever so slightly to the point where breathing had become a bit easier. The dread was still there, though, and would probably stay for quite some time.

Refilling her drink, she pattered about her apartment in search of some cigs to hopefully take the edge off her mood again and swore angrily at herself when she noticed the empty pack sitting by the window. She kicked it and it bounced off the wall and slid under the sofa.

Without her cigs, she located her tin instead and smoked through the rest of her blunt. She wasn't really in the mood to get high because she knew it'd make her mood worse, but she desperately needed to do something with her hands or she'd go back to spiralling towards another panic attack. Being in a bad mood was better than struggling to breathe.

She felt pathetic. She felt unworthy of everything that had been given to her.

Once she'd finished the blunt, she tucked herself back into bed and went to sleep. Thankfully this time, it came quickly.

***

The faint sound of her alarm dragged her back to consciousness. Groggy and confused, she opened her eyes and tried to feel around for her phone. She found it tucked under her pillow and tapped around on the screen, hoping to find the button to make the alarm stop. When it didn't she growled under her breath and dragged it out from its hiding place. The screen was black. There was no alarm.

She wiped sleep from her eyes and tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. She could hear the distant sound of rain coming from outside, tapping against her window.

As wakefulness finally came to her, she was able to distinguish a thumping coming from outside her door, which was probably the reason she'd woken up. If her neighbours were doing something dumb outside her apartment she was gonna be so pissed.

She got out of bed and was hit with a wave of coldness that hadn't been there that morning. Grabbing the closest hoodie she could find, she stomped out of her room and to the door, ready to spit poison at whoever was making so much noise. She didn't give a shit if it put her on bad terms with her neighbours, she was in a bad mood and those assholes kept stealing her mail anyways so she didn't owe them shit. She should be worse to them if she really thought about it.

Of course, her shitty door had to stick because she couldn't just yank it open dramatically like she'd wanted to. Nothing in her life had ever gone her way, so why would it now? It took her two tries to open it, and by that time the noise had gone.

"SHUT THE FUCK U- oh".

Lucia was at the door, eyes wide. She probably hadn't expected Amelia to come out yelling at her. She was damp from the rain, wringing out her beanie, her hair all mussed up and in her eyes.

"Hi," Lucia said warily.

"Shit- Hi. Sorry".

"No it's- were you expecting someone else?"

"No?" Amelia blinked a few times, confused. "No. Why are you here?"

It had come off as blunt, she knew that. But she didn't really have the energy to care all that much.

"You weren't at work today I wanted to make sure you were okay" Lucia admitted, "you seemed fine this weekend, I just wanted to make sure you didn't come down with something. Has the mould come back?"

Amelia shook her head. She'd been keeping on top of cleaning the condensation off the windows when it got cold and rainy so no new mould could fester, and she made sure the check around the apartment regularly enough. If there had been new mould, she didn't know about it.

"So how are you feeling?" Lucia pressed on, not deterred by Amelia's silence.

Bad. She was doing bad. She just wanted to go back to sleep so she didn't have to keep feeling this way. Maybe take tomorrow off too.

"I'm fine," she said instead.

Lucia didn't look convinced. "Can I come in?"

Amelia hadn't realised she was still standing out in the hallway, letting cold air into her apartment and making them both shiver. Part of her wanted to slam the door in her face and go back to stewing in her bad mood, but the other part reluctantly stepped aside to let her in.

Lucia's presence made the apartment feel warmer. Amelia couldn't look her in the eye as she made herself at home like she had that weekend. She still felt on edge, like she might say something that'd push Lucia away.

"You can hang your jacket up and put your beanie on a radiator to dry off," she said quietly.

"Thanks! I knew it was gonna rain tonight, but not this heavy. I should've put on some extra layers" Lucia was rambling in the way she did when she was nervous or unsure about something. Amelia glanced over at her to watch her slip her damp jacket off her shoulders and hang it up. She was wearing a t-shirt along with the jeans she usually wore for work.

"Wait- tonight?"

"It's like, 8pm Amelia".

"Really????" she jumped up and threw open a curtain. It was dark outside, almost pitch black save for the streetlamps that enveloped the streets in an eerie orange glow. She could see the sheets of rain pouring down outside, lit up by the street lamps. Puddles had formed along the sides of the roads, turning what little ice was still left into black slush. She let the curtain fall from her hands and swore. Her sleep schedule was so fucked.

Lucia sat on the sofa and tapped her knees nervously, "Have you been sleeping all day? Did I wake you up? Because if I did, I'm sorry I didn't mean to I was just worried and-"

"No, no it's okay" Amelia started to wave her off.

"It's not okay if you're not feeling well!! You should be resting! I can leave if you want I just wanted to make sure you were okay and had eaten something".

"I've slept enough, Lucia, you can stay" Maybe it'd be a good thing. Maybe it'd reassure her that Lucia wasn't going away forever. Not that she'd ever bring it up in a conversation, not like that.

"I'm sorry for worrying. I can't help it when it's someone I care about".

Amelia's heart twinged at the words. She sighed, coming over to sit beside Lucia and hopefully stop whatever the fuck was happening in the woman's brain to make her seem so frantic.

"Well, I'm sorry for not texting" She didn't know how to comfort so she pressed her leg against Lucia's hoping the contact was enough.

"It's fine. I'm just overthinking. You never answered my question about eating".

She hadn't eaten a proper meal in almost an entire day. Her stomach groaned and Lucia's lips twitched upwards into an amused smile, the tension leaving her body ever so slightly.

Lucia had brought food with her and Amelia made coffee for the both of them as she heated it up on the stove. They sat back on the sofa with their meals and Lucia insisted she eat her entire plate, even though Amelia argued she wasn't that hungry due to the lingering feeling of nausea in her throat. They bickered good-naturedly about it until Amelia looked down and noticed she'd eaten everything anyways and refused to admit she felt better because of it.

With food in her, Amelia felt like maybe it wasn't the end of the world. It's funny how a good meal does that to you, she supposed. The coffee helped wake her up a bit, but her hands still itched for a cig and she regretted not going to the store to get more instead of passing out for half the day. But at least she had a different distraction.

***

The rain had gotten worse. It was still pounding down onto the streets below. Lucia was looking outside, watching it and looking increasingly worried.

"What?" Amelia asked from her perch on the sofa, nursing the dregs of her coffee, "Did you walk here or something?"

Lucia turned to look at her with big, sad golden brown eyes.

"You didn't...." she trailed off.

"I did".

"You idiot".

"It didn't say it was gonna storm!! I thought I'd have time to drop by and make sure you were okay before the rain got too bad! Ughhh I'm gonna have to call Sal to pick me up".

"Just stay the night" Amelia didn't even realise what she was saying. Perhaps she had been lulled into a sense of security now that her bad mood was starting to leave. Maybe it should've been kept as a thought for herself and no one else, because the way Lucia looked at her made her want to disappear forever. She felt her face heat up.

"I- are you sure???"

Amelia shrugged, suddenly unsure herself. "Only if you want to. I don't mind the company".

Lucia gulped. "Y-yeah! I'll take the sofa if you can lend me a pillow and blanket."

"No, you can take the bed. It's the least I can do after you let me sleep in yours for like, a month straight" Amelia insisted as Lucia rapidly shook her head.

"I can't do that! You're not feeling well!!"

"I'll be fine".

"I really don't mind taking the sofa-"

"You won't fit on it".

"That hasn't stopped me before, Amelia".

"I know but it didn't look comfy. I'm smaller, let me take it instead".

"No!!!!"

"It's fine, really. I'm not even tired, I slept all day remember".

"That doesn't make it better. You should still rest so you feel better tomorrow!"

"If I try and sleep now, I won't be able to".

"Then I'll stay up with you".

Amelia narrowed her eyes at the stubborn set of Lucia's jaw.

"Fine" she conceded, "but if you get tired, you can sleep on the bed".

"I won't get tired" Lucia insisted, "I'll stay up til you go to bed".

Amelia could appreciate Lucia's stubbornness, even if it was slightly annoying sometimes. When she didn't say anything, seemingly agreeing to the terms set out for her, Lucia grinned.

"I'll text Sal and let them know" she said and went to grab her phone out of her jacket pocket.

***

It couldn't have been any later than 2 am. Lucia and Amelia were lounging on the sofa, a blanket between them as they watched a dumb reality show on Amelia's laptop. Lucia's legs were slung up on the sofa over Amelia's, trapping her in place but she couldn't find it in herself to care.

Lucia looked like she was starting to drift off, the way her head was lulling to the side every few seconds was a pretty clear indication that she did not have long left until she passed out. The trashy show they were watching was coming to an end- they'd managed to binge the entire thing and Lucia had been making dumb jokes and comments the entire time up until now. It was clear that she was out of steam.

She didn't want to remove Lucia's legs from her lap, but she also didn't want the woman to sleep on the sofa. If Amelia Blight was one thing, it was stubborn, and that was what made her push the warm legs out of her lap, making Lucia peel open her eyes to watch her sleepily.

"Come on, get up," Amelia said, standing up.

Lucia made a questioning noise in the back of her throat but stood up nonetheless.

It was easy to guide Lucia to her room and let her flop down onto the bed. She wasn't sure she had anything for Lucia to change into because she was quite a bit shorter, but she didn't want her to sleep in jeans because that was uncomfortable and wouldn't be fun to wake up to in the morning, so she dug around and tossed some oversized joggers she always had to roll up her way. Lucia looked down at them and mumbled a thanks, starting to undo her belt sleepily. Amelia immediately turned away and speedwalked out of the room.

She hovered outside the door nervously because, in her moment of panic, she'd forgotten to grab a pillow for herself to get comfy on the couch. Not that she was planning on sleeping, not until she was sure Lucia was passed out so she could say she'd won.

Once she'd deemed it an acceptable time to wait, she hesitantly knocked on the door, and upon hearing a sleepy hum, she entered. She scampered up to the bed and grabbed a pillow that Lucia wasn't lying on, and then froze.

Lucia was barely awake, on the precipice of sleep. Amelia could see her small breaths, how peaceful she looked from the faint light bleeding into the room from the living room.

"Goodnight" she whispered, not wanting to disturb the woman. "....Thanks for being there for me".

She shut the door softly behind her as she left, unaware of the sleepy mumble coming from Lucia's mouth. A half-spoken promise. A declaration that was yet to be shared between them. It was much too soon for that.

Notes:

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 34

You're sitting in the passenger seat of a car with Lucia. It's raining, you can't see through the windows because of the downpour. They're also slightly fogged from the shared body heat in the car. The front window isn't faring much better. You know the car is moving, you can feel it in the way it cruises down the road, the soft hum of the engine, the wipers are on but all they're doing is smudging the rain further into the window. You're not sure if Lucia can see where she's going but for some reason, this doesn't worry you.

There's faint music playing from the speakers but you can't pick out the words, or even the tune. Your brain is telling you that there's noise coming from the speakers but it doesn't reach your ears, like you only understand the concept, a nostalgic memory of music that is supposed to be there. Lucia reaches over to turn it up and as the music swells, it becomes staticky and distorted in your ears. It makes your brain feel fuzzy and weird.

You rub at the fog on the window and feel how it reacts to your warm hand sliding across the glass. It doesn't clear the visibility, but you know that it's nighttime. If you focus, you can see the golden beacons of streetlamps as you pass them on the road.

Almost intrinsically, you shuffle closer to Lucia. It's not cold in the car, but you're attracted to the heat radiating off her body nonetheless. Your hand rests on her knee, barely registering the scratchy fabric of her jeans before the woman next to you jolts as if she's been electrocuted.

"What are you doing?" she asks you, her voice sounds strained, pulled taut.

You don't understand what she's asking but you pull your hand back. It feels as if all the heat has been sucked out of the car. The lights have dimmed and you can almost see your breath billowing past your lips as you breathe. You don't say anything. The ringing in your ears increases.

"You can't just touch me like that" she snaps, her hands gripping the wheel tightly as if she's stopping herself from doing something she'll regret.

"I'm sorry," you say. Your voice sounds strange in your ears.

"Is that all you can say? Sorry sorry sorry. You're like a broken fucking record, all you do is apologise, you don't even think about what you're doing, you don't even take accountability".

You open your mouth but you don't know what to say. You feel cold, like ice is seeping into your bones. Your body feels rigid, you can't move anymore, your breathing quickens and you can see it. You know Lucia sees it too.

"What? Did you think I actually liked you? I know about your little crush. It's cute, but in a sad way," The sweetness in her voice makes you feel sick. It's the same way your mother would talk to you when she wanted something from you, "It's pathetic how you would think I like you in that way. I only keep you around because I have to see you every day at work anyway".

"Lucia, I-"

"You're pathetic in general. No one will ever love you like that because you're too fucked up. You're incapable of giving someone everything they need because you can't even give it to yourself. Give up".

The car stops. Lucia is looking at you now, with an expression you've never seen on her before. Her eyes are narrowed slits, her mouth pulled into a taut line, like she's looking at something that disgusts her. You feel yourself shrinking back under her gaze, unable to make eye contact. You can't feel your limbs anymore, they've gone numb.

"Get out," Lucia says.

"What?" you let out weakly.

"Get. Out".

***

Amelia had never had the easiest time sleeping. As she jolted awake, her neck aching from sleeping against the arm of the sofa all night, she was sure that this was the worst she'd ever been. She wasn't sure when she'd managed to fall asleep but she knew it had been pretty late into the night, long after she'd put Lucia to bed.

Lucia.

Her chest hurt. The memories of her dream were fading, but as always, the tightness in her chest, the faint feelings of hurt and anxiety and a coldness that made her shiver stayed with her even in wakefulness. She somehow felt even more shitty than yesterday, her mind turning against her until all she could think about was how pathetic and needy she had been around Lucia last night.

Lucia had not needed to stay. She could've easily let Lucia text Sal to pick her up. And even if Sal had been woken up, was annoyed and groggy, they would do it because they were a good friend.

Amelia had never been a good friend.

She let herself lay there on the sofa growing increasingly annoyed that she'd run out of cigarettes and therefore couldn't smoke her feelings away until she heard shuffling coming from her bedroom and the door slowly, quietly opened.

Amelia didn't move because she wasn't sure what to do. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest, a strange mixture of anxiety, fear and excitement making her limbs turn to jelly and her body freeze up.

The door shut and it was clear Lucia was in the living room. The way her weight shifted on the floorboards told Amelia that she was walking towards her.

Lucia's face peeked over the top of the sofa and she smiled down at Amelia. There must've been something in Amelia's expression because that warm smile faltered, morphing into a concerned frown.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine".

"Are you sure....?"

Amelia wanted to ask for reassurance. For comfort. But the words didn't come easily for her. She felt selfish and needy asking for such things, like Lucia was taking time out of her day to comfort Amelia for some dumb small thing she could barely even remember at this point.

But the tightness in her chest was there. Something was wrong and looking at Lucia was making it feel worse.

Her non-answer seemed to be enough of an indication that something was up and she felt her body tense as Lucia gently moved her legs off the side of the sofa and sat down beside her, tapping her knees in an anxious tick.

"Do you still feel unwell?" she asked, genuine concern seeping into her tone.

Amelia's throat felt tight. She tried to push the feeling down, but it persisted. She didn't even know what the fuck was wrong with her- it always seemed to be something. Why couldn't she just be normal for once?

She didn't know how to answer that because she wasn't exactly unwell in the physical sense, as she figured Lucia had meant. No, this was something far, far deeper. It had dug itself into her brain and wasn't budging. She feared it never would.

"I just had a bad sleep is all" Amelia answered after a few beats of silence, rubbing her eyes.

Lucia's frown fell a little. "Well, I told you sleeping on the sofa was a bad idea" she joked.

Amelia huffed a laugh, feeling the tension in her body ease a little. "I don't mind. One bad sleep isn't anything to me". 

She was used to it at this point- she'd only really started sleeping somewhat well when she'd stayed at Lucia and Sal's apartment while she was sick.

"You say that, but it's something to me. I don't like it when you're not rested, you need to take care of yourself, Amelia".

"So do you" Amelia shot back because she didn't know how to respond to something like that, no matter how many times she'd heard it from the woman before, she would never understand why Lucia cared so much.

"I try. It hasn't always been easy, but I find that talking to people helps".

It was a prompt. It was an invitation for Amelia to spill everything that was bothering her. Lucia was sitting beside her, looking so open and inviting, so kind and understanding.

"I-"

I still think you secretly hate me.

"U-um-"

When you leave for Christmas you're going to forget about me.

"......"

You don't like me the way I like you.

A traitorous sniffle made her blink back into reality. Lucia's arms were enveloping her in a warm embrace, Amelia's cheek pushed up against her collarbone. Her eyes were wet, she didn't remember when she'd started crying, but the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and fear and relief that she was being held by the one person she really, really needed to be held by made it hard for her to stop the tears from coming. She buried her face in Lucia's arms and shook, and Lucia held her, resting her cheek on top of Amelia's messy hair, rubbing her back and squeezing her comfortingly.

After letting her cry for a bit, she felt Lucia's body rock forward as she sat up to reach for something on the coffee table before leaning back and getting comfortable again. One of the hands cradling her left, and Amelia shivered, suddenly cold, desperately craving Lucia's touch.

"One second" Lucia's voice was low, soft. There was a rumble to it that Amelia could feel in her chest as she lay against it. She closed her eyes and listened as Lucia continued, "I'm gonna text Eda to tell Lilith you're taking today off too".

"NO" Amelia shot up, "I need to work, I can't just take days off like this, I have rent to pay" The moment of peace that had been shared between them shattered as her anxiety started spiking again, tears still streaming down her cheeks as she frantically tried to compose herself.

"Lilith says she understands and she and Eda hope you feel better soon" Lucia read the text as her phone pinged, finality in her tone.

Amelia grumbled as Lucia took her back into her arms, but she couldn't find it in herself to complain all that much.

"And you're staying too?" she asked weakly, hoping for a confirmation.

"Mmmhm!"

"Won't Eda be mad?"

"Nope!"

"....Are you sure?"

Lucia shuffled but didn't let go, "do you want me to leave?" she asked as if she already knew the answer.

"......" Amelia sniffled and buried her face back into the crook of Lucia's neck. "No" she admitted. 

"Then I'm staying. We can talk about whatever's bothering you, or not, I don't mind what we do as long as you feel better".

"You're too good to me".

"I'd do the same for Sal, and I know they'd do the same for me. It's just who I am, I need to make sure my friends are okay".

It was such a matter-of-fact statement that Amelia knew it was true.  All of Lucia's past actions, everything she'd done up to this point had been out of love for her friends. Amelia felt bad taking this love, she felt like it was not hers to have. But she appreciated it, even if she was scared at how long it would last.

Lucia had a way of teasing out any vulnerability Amelia was so prone to hiding. It was easy to talk to her because she knew that anything she said would be taken seriously. Anything she said that she might think is stupid wouldn't be stupid to Lucia.

But it was still far easier said than done, talking about her feelings. She'd never been one to open up, even before she'd run away. She hadn't grown up in an environment where showing your emotions was acceptable, and it was still hard even if she had been away from the manor for so long.

She had barely let anyone touch her save for Sal or her siblings before Lucia had come around. Even with Lilith and Eda, it had been rare. For a long time, Amelia hadn't been able to let the older women touch her without getting scared, flinching back, expecting something that never came. Sitting bundled up in Lucia's arms, she realised how much she'd grown, and sniffled again, feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Lucia held on tighter in response.

"It's nothing serious" Amelia started after a few moments of collecting herself and trying to force down another wave of tears. Lucia's shirt was looking very damp and she didn't want to ruin it any further.

"It's serious to me if it's making you feel this way" Lucia murmured.

"You're gonna laugh".

"I won't".

Lucia finding out how pathetic and needy she was probably wouldn't do much considering she'd already seen Amelia at her worst. She just didn't want Lucia to feel bad about leaving.

"......Remember the text you sent? About leaving for the holidays?"

"Mmmhm".

"I guess I sort of...freaked out. About you leaving" it was hard to admit. She buried her face back in Lucia's shirt so she wouldn't have to see her reaction, face feeling warm.

The silence stretched on and Amelia could feel her body start to react to the anxiety coursing through her veins. Lucia was suspiciously still, the hand tracing circles on her back had stilled and it made her nervous.

"Amelia" she finally said, "did you see the dm I sent you after?"

She thought back to the past day. How she'd been specifically avoiding the group chat as well as their personal messages. She shook her head.

"No".

Lucia made a noise and leaned back over to grab something from the coffee table. She gently pried Amelia from her perch in the crook of her neck and slid her phone into her hands. Amelia blinked, confused, before letting out a little oh! and opening her phone.

The bright screen blinded her and she rubbed at her eyes, which felt a little irritated and sore from all the moping and crying she'd been doing lately. She hesitated when opening up her messages, still feeling anxious and upset, but Lucia's reassuring hands were wrapping around her waist and suddenly nothing else mattered anymore. They were warm. Firm.

She tried not to shiver at the contact as she scrolled through her messages.

"Lucia hot topic" Lucia read out her contact name, amusement clear in her voice as Amelia finally found their chat. "Why do I sound like someone you met on tinder?"

"Shut up!!" Amelia's face heated up even further, the hands on her waist felt like they were burning her skin, "I'll change it!" she squirmed under Lucia's gaze.

"No, no. I think it's cute".

Amelia didn't know what to say to that so she made a weird strangled noise in her throat and instead focused on the messages she hadn't realised Lucia had sent her.

lucia hot topic [2 days ago]: hey so i know you usually spend christmas with lilith but i was wondering if youd wanna come back with me this year?

lucia hot topic [2 days ago]: no worries if not!

lucia hot topic [2 days ago]: ill just miss you when i have to leave. i wanna spend the holidays with you

And then another text, this one from yesterday.

lucia hot topic [1 day ago]: hey are you okay? didnt see you at work this morning?

"Oh" her body went limp. Perhaps in relief, perhaps it was something else. Maybe if she'd just read her damn messages she wouldn't have been moping around these past few days.

"Yeah" Lucia continued to rub her back, "I came over 'cause you weren't replying to my messages. I wanted to make sure you were okay".

"And I didn't come to work because I didn't read your messages," Amelia said, feeling stupid.

"It's not your fault, I get it. Sometimes your brain makes you do and think stupid things and it can be hard to get out of it once you're in it".

"I'm so dumb" she groaned. And then, "I need a cigarette".

Lucia chuckled. "You're gonna have to quit smoking so much if you wanna stay over. My mum doesn't like it".

Amelia jolted like she'd been shocked. "Is your mum okay with me staying though?"

"Of course! She's always hassling me about inviting my friends over" There was a fond look on Lucia's face, "the second she found out I'd made a friend at uni she was constantly trying to get me to bring Sal back with me".

That...didn't make sense from what she'd already heard about Lucia's mother. It was hard for her to wrap her head around a mother wanting to spend time with and get to know her daughter's friends since her own had hated Salix enough that they hadn't been allowed to stay over, and she wasn't allowed to go to their house. Of course, that never stopped her from sneaking out, because spending time with someone who actually cared about her far outweighed any punishment she'd withstand for getting caught.

Lucia had talked about how she had struggled before going to uni, so surely that must mean her mother hadn't been there for her, right? She hoped that wasn't the case, because Lucia didn't deserve to go through anything that she had, but maybe things were different now? She knew people could change, but it was difficult to think about a parent changing after doing everything they could to make their child's life a living hell.

Or maybe she was just projecting.

"Did she....ever meet Sal?"

Lucia perked up, "Yeah! We decided to plan a road trip back to my town during reading week to study together somewhere quiet since our flatmates were planning a massive party and I was behind on work. It was really nice. My mum loved Sal and always asks when they're coming back. When I told her I might be bringing a friend back for the holidays, she asked if it was them."

Something about that made Amelia's insides churn.

"Are you inviting them for Christmas too?"

"Nah, they're going to see their dads" Lucia shrugged, "I was thinking it'd just be us. If you're comfy with that".

Amelia nodded. Spending time with just Lucia was nice; she appreciated her company a lot. It wasn't often she felt genuinely safe in someone's company, and her small group of trusted people was slowly growing.

"You don't have to decide right away" Lucia continued, bouncing her leg, "and I won't be offended if you say no. I get that you have your traditions with Lilith, and if you wanna stay then that's fine too. I'll just miss you a lot".

It wasn't so much as traditions as it was Lilith forcing her out of her apartment to spend time with her, but she supposed she appreciated it nonetheless. Back then if it had been her choice, she would've spent the holidays cooped up alone, which she knew would make her worse. Still, she felt guilty for even entertaining Lucia's offer, like she was betraying Lilith in some way.

"When are you leaving?"

"Probably a day or two before Christmas Eve so we can spend the week at my house and then come back in January".

"Hmm" As much as Amelia wanted to say yes, because the thought of going more than a week without seeing Lucia made her want to spiral, she stopped herself. "Can I get back to you on this?"

"Of course" Lucia hummed, playing with Amelia's hair in a way that made her feel very normal and not at all flustered, "There's still plenty of time".

***

Time ticked down at an alarming pace as Amelia sat and pondered what the fuck she was going to do. She was growing increasingly aware of how Lucia's presence was making her feel far too many big and scary feelings that she didn't want to address, and spending time with Lucia and her family might open the floodgates to something she had been trying to suppress for a very, very long time.

Her hand tapped the counter she sat behind, scratching at the wood. She was back at work now, and after telling Lilith that yes, she was feeling better one million times, she had been left alone behind the register.

Being alone like this often gave her time to think. It was still pretty early in the day, but a steady trickle of people had been in and out of the store, probably picking up some early Christmas gifts. The mall was usually busier this time of year, and she used that to her advantage to take more shifts so she wouldn't be rotting alone in her apartment. Anything that used up a fraction of her brain was welcomed so that she wouldn't start spiralling into intrusive thoughts she thought she was over by now.

It was hard to keep up with everything and also think about Lucia's offer, but there had been a lull in people as lunchtime slowly rolled around, and she sat and ran her fingers over all the little bumps and blemishes on the counter as she considered her next move.

Christmas wasn't far away now and Lucia would be leaving soon. Amelia had spent enough time in Bonesborough that leaving the town felt weird and scary, but maybe it was the change in scenery she needed.

But she also didn't want to upset Lilith by leaving. She didn't want Lilith to think she was abandoning her and everything she'd done for Amelia just because she'd made a new friend.

She groaned, annoyed at her dumb brain complicating things for no reason, and buried her face in her arms. She was tired after another bad sleep that left her running late trying to calm down from an impending panic attack. She'd stopped by the store to grab some smokes on the way to work and the thought of having a cigarette or three during her break was the only thing keeping her sane.

"Is everything alright?"

Amelia's head shot up, mouth open to apologise to whoever was trying to buy something while she had a mini-crisis.

Lilith was looking down at her, concern written in her frown.

"Oh uh, yeah. Sorry".

The older woman didn't look convinced. She raised a brow.

"I just have a lot on my mind lately," Amelia said with a nervous shrug.

Lilith pinned her down with her gaze for a few more moments before excusing Amelia for her break. Amelia scampered into the backroom to grab her cigs and meet up with Lucia in the car park.

***

Maybe it was clear that there was something was bothering her a little more than just having a lot on her mind, because when she was about to help close the store a day or so later, Lilith stopped what she was doing to face Amelia.

And Amelia desperately wanted to be more honest with the people she cared about, especially Lilith, who had had to deal with so many of her lies already. It didn't take her long to spill what was on her mind, she hated the way Lilith would look at her when she knew something was wrong. She hated when she made Lilith frown, when she looked upset over something Amelia had done. It reminded her of her past, it made her scared.

"Lucia invited me to spend Christmas with her" she blurted out, hands shaking nervously as she tidied up a display that had been thoroughly rifled through.

"Oh that's nice" She couldn't tell if Lilith was bothered by her tone. It frustrated her to no end how difficult the older woman was to read. "What did you say?"

"I...I don't know. I know you wanted to do something this year but-"

Lilith turned to her and she snapped her mouth shut.

"Amelia," she said, her voice soft. "You can go with Lucia, I promise it's okay. I won't be mad at you for leaving, I know how big this is for you, leaving Bonesborough after so long".

Amelia swallowed down the lump in her throat. It felt like a weight had shifted in her chest. Sure, there was relief at the confirmation that Lilith didn't mind if she left, but there was still guilt.

This would be the first Christmas she could see herself actually enjoying in a long time. Possibly ever. And now that she was on better terms with Lilith, she felt like she should spend more time with her to make up for all her past mistakes.

"Don't feel bad" Lilith continued as if reading her mind, "We can do our own little celebration before you leave if you'd like. I've been meaning to ask if we could go out for dinner and catch up".

It had been a while since she'd caught up with Lilith. Though, past outings had usually been Lilith noticing Amelia not taking care of herself and dragging her to the pub for a warm meal and a pep talk. Most of the time, it never got through to Amelia, but she could appreciate the sentiment even if she'd been kind of an asshole to Lilith back then.

A talk over dinner sounded nice.

"Yeah okay" Amelia felt her shoulders droop, the weight shifting.

Deep down, Amelia knew she'd already made a decision on Lucia's offer. It had been her traitorous brain trying to convince her that if she agreed Lilith would hate her forever, but if she denied, Lucia would hate her. And she wanted to keep both of them, and Salix and Eda in her life for as long as possible. She cared about them more than she could express with words or actions. She felt like a failure when compared to them, but she was grateful they stuck by her anyways.

Exiting the mall after helping with some more cleanup, Amelia popped a cig in her mouth and walked through the car park back to her apartment. As she lit her cig and drew in a deep breath, she took out her phone and opened up her messages with Lucia.

me [8:45pm]: I think Id like to stay with you over christmas

me [8:45pm]: if the offers still open...

Notes:

its my and my gfs 1 year anniversary today so i decided to push myself to finally finish off this chapter as a small part of my gift to them :3 i was gonna finish it eventually, but just know i wrote this with even more gay intent than usual. everyone say thank u grey <3

i wanna get back into writing more again bc i miss it very much and i have big plans for amelia >:3

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 35

Lucia seemed even more excited after Amelia confirmed that she would be going back with her for the holidays. It was cute, the silly little grin she shot Amelia, bouncing on her feet as she rambled about what her family usually did for Christmas—traditions that Amelia would be a part of this year.

But did she really deserve that? To be a part of Lucia's life in such an intimate way? A way that even Salix, a close friend of Lucia's, had never experienced before despite everything the two had been through together.

What made Amelia worthy of it? Nothing. She had never been worthy of anything in her life- especially not the kindness she had been shown.

Why did Lucia think she was special? Why did she allow Lucia to worm her way into her life when she had felt perfectly content living out however long she had left by herself?

And then she glanced back over to Lucia. The woman was sitting opposite her on the bench, she could feel her legs swinging back and forth, occasionally brushing against Amelia's boots. Lucia noticed Amelia looking at her and grinned and Amelia's heart did somersaults in her chest.

That was why....

But that just made everything worse. It was best not to think about it because it didn't matter anyways. Lucia only liked her as a friend and she was okay with that if it meant keeping her in her life for a little longer. She could bottle down her feelings, it was something she'd been doing her entire life- this was like second nature to her.

She had never felt this way before and it was scary. Her feelings towards Sal had bordered on it when she was younger and trying to figure herself out, but it had never blossomed into something so intense as it felt now. It had died down into a deep platonic love that had never left her, even after running away and leaving them behind like a coward.

Lucia was different. Lucia made her feel things she hadn't known she was capable of feeling.

It was torture.

"-so yeah! We're gonna get a cab there and back and if you wanna come, maybe we could split the cost. You don't have to come though, I know this isn't really your sort of thing, I just thought I'd ask".

Amelia blinked and looked up. She'd been too in her head she hadn't realised Lucia had started talking.

"Can you repeat that?" she asked, embarrassed.

Lucia didn't even miss a beat, taking a sip of her coffee before speaking, "One of Sal's work buddies is throwing a party and we were wondering if you'd want to tag along".

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Why would I go if they don't know me?"

"Well, they told Sal 'the more the merrier' so..."

Amelia made a noise in the back of her throat.

"Hey- remember you don't have to come with, it's okay to say no".

Saying no felt like defeat. It felt like she'd be disappointing Lucia. Saying yes meant facing new people, which was scary, but there'd also be booze, which would help a bit. And if she stayed near Lucia the whole time, she was sure she'd be okay. Maybe she'd even have fun????

"Okay," Amelia nodded to herself, speaking before she changed her mind. "I'll come".

"Are you sure?" Lucia asked.

"Yeah".

"Alright!! I'll tell Sal you said yes and we can sort out transport" Lucia seemed giddy at her answer, which meant that Amelia had said the right thing. She stomped down the rising feeling of anxiety and instead listened to Lucia continue rambling until their break was over and they had to go back to work.

***

There was a week before the party, and then a few days after that she would be set to go back with Lucia for the holidays. Amelia had a few things she needed to sort out before that, and she busied herself with those and work instead of thinking about what lay for her in the future.

She had never had such a clear idea of what her future would look like then she did now. She had never even thought she'd have a future, stuck in Bonesborough until something took her out, and it was something she had just accepted. Lucia had brought new meaning to her life and she would forever be grateful for everything she'd done.

It was still terrifying though- the concept of meeting Lucia's family. She had no idea how her mother would react to her, she knew she wasn't easy to deal with, still lashing out, still scared about nothing, about demons that were never going to get her. She couldn't just bring all that baggage to Lucia's doorstep, that'd be rude. She had to sort her shit out at least a little bit before she left.

The first step of that was dinner with Lilith after work. She had initially wanted to take Amelia down to the pub to grab some food, but instead had invited Amelia back to her apartment for a home-cooked meal.

Amelia had not been back to Lilith's apartment since she'd initially moved out, refusing to go back out of some sort of spite. The memories held in that apartment were difficult to remember, she had been so angry, in so much pain, both physically and emotionally, and she had taken it all out on Lilith, someone who had only been trying to help her. It was hard not to blame herself for everything that had happened.

It had been years since she'd stepped foot in there though. She wondered how much had changed, she wondered if her old room had been switched around, if the things she'd left behind were still there or had been thrown out.

She sat behind the counter in Claire's anxiously tapping her finger against the wood, trying not to freak herself out over something that literally didn't matter. She needed a smoke to calm herself down, but also wanted to stay sober for Lilith's later. She was pretty sure she had some regular cigs in her jacket pocket but she wasn't sure if she put them in there this morning or left them on the counter in her rush to get to work on time. She'd have to wait to know for sure, her break wasn't for another hour or so.

The stream of people came and went through the mall, barely stopping to glance her way. To them, she was just another stranger, just another face in the sea of people who lived in this town. Amelia had always preferred it this way- to not be known. It brought her a sense of comfort, like she could let loose and be herself when eyes weren't on her, weighing her down with their expectations. But even then, when she was by herself, it felt like she never truly let go of who she used to be. It was like Amelia barely even knew herself.

She didn't think she wanted to know herself. The real Amelia was a shell of who she'd used to be, small, sad and pathetic in every possible way. Weak, barely able to stand on her own two feet without falling down and having everyone around her pick up the pieces.

It was hard not to think the people in her life were doing what they were doing out of some sort of pity, even if it had been explicitly stated not to be true. If Lilith really did hate her, she could've stopped checking up on her as soon as Amelia had moved into her own place, she could've fired her from her job and left her stranded. If Salix really did hate her, they wouldn't have welcomed her back with open arms and sat and listened as she tried to explain where she'd been. They wouldn't have helped her fix the heating in her apartment. And Lucia...

Well, Lucia was an enigma. She had no reason to stay, no obligations, no history with Amelia that'd justify her presence in her life. Lucia was just...there.

There was still a part of her mind that tried to convince her that Lucia would leave one day and never come back. It wouldn't be over the holidays, because she'd invited Amelia to stay with her, but surely it'd be some other time. Maybe a family birthday she had to go back home for and never come back? Maybe next year Amelia wouldn't be invited back for the holidays because she'd been too much of a burden for her family to deal with.

A woman walked into Claire's and Amelia snapped back into reality, relieved for a distraction from her thoughts. She knew she couldn't be thinking about these things while she worked because it often made her zone out and her brain fog come back, but it was hard when there was fuckall to do and she was desperately wanting a cig.

Time passed by slowly as customers trickled in and out of the store, Amelia sending polite greetings, trying to make small talk as she rang them up, anything to distract her, anything to keep her mind off her thoughts. Eventually, Lilith appeared, taking her place behind the counter and finally, Amelia was free.

She stepped into the backroom to grab her jacket and hesitated as she reached into the pockets, finding her phone. She stared at it, wondering if she should tell Lucia where she was going so she wouldn't be worried when she wasn't in their usual meeting place near the front of the mall.

Lucia didn't need to know where she was every time she had a break, she told herself. But still, she felt bad. She pushed her way out the door and into the cold carpark, ice crunching under her boots as she shut the door behind her and took a few steps out. It was chilly outside and Amelia had clearly not dressed for the weather, but she needed a cigarette more than she wanted to be warm. She was relieved to find a few loose ones in her pocket. She must've left the box and her weed tin in her kitchen. Shame.

As she stuck a cig between her lips and dug around for her lighter, she took out her phone and stared at the screen. It only took her a few moments to give in and text Lucia that she was in the car park, her traitorous heart demanding she spend as much time with the woman as possible.

She lit the cig and took a deep drag, feeling the itch in her throat go away ever so slightly. Leaning her back against the wall, she sighed.

It wasn't long before she heard footsteps rounding the building. She looked up and felt her lips twitch upwards into a little smile almost involuntarily. Her shoulders drooped and she kicked off the wall to greet Lucia half way.

"Hi!" Lucia seemed happy to see her, which was reassuring. "You okay?"

Lucia was smart- it hadn't taken long to figure out that Amelia smoked a lot more when she was stressed. She almost hated how observant Lucia was, but only because being fussed over wasn't something she was used to. She hated it from other people but from Lucia, it seemed always seemed so openly genuine. It made her feel weird.

Amelia shrugged, "I have a lot on my mind," she said around another drag.

"Wanna talk about it?"

She shrugged again, not wanting to get into details. She didn't like opening up, it felt far too revealing for her own liking, especially since she was still worrying about whether Lucia really liked her or not. But, there was one thing she could talk about, she supposed.

"I'm having dinner with Lilith tonight".

"Oh! That's good right?"

"Yeah...I just. I feel bad. About leaving her for Christmas".

"She has Eda, doesn't she? Even if they don't get along sometimes, they're still sisters. They're family."

That word made Amelia's chest feel tight. It made her feel like she was going to throw up. 

"Y-yeah".

"I'm sure they'll miss you tons, but they have each other and they want you to be happy, don't they?"

Amelia nodded.

"Exactly! And you made the decision to stay with me, which would make you happy?"

She felt her cheeks warm up. As much as she was anxious about it, Lucia was right. It would make her happy. She nodded again and glared at the ground.

Lucia nudged her with her shoulder, "Then there's no need to worry about what they think, okay? They're not gonna suddenly turn on you because you made a decision for yourself".

"I guess so...." Amelia mumbled as Lucia wrapped an arm around her in a little hug.

"Stop worrying" Lucia wrapped her other arm around Amelia, "You're gonna get grey hairs before you're 30". She started messing with Amelia's hair, as if to make a point.

Amelia made a noise like she was annoyed, but she could feel herself leaning into the touch. She found her body betraying her more often when she was around Lucia, though she couldn't really find it in herself to care that much in the moment. The feeling of Lucia's nails scratching at her scalp and then running through her hair felt far too good to pull away. It made her mind go blank, all the dark thoughts that'd been swirling in her brain vanishing into the air until all she could focus on was Lucia.

It was easy to focus on Lucia. She was a beacon in the dark sea she called her life.

That sounded extremely sappy, maybe it was time to reel it in a little bit....

"Whatever" she huffed and Lucia snickered at her, continuing to pet her hair.

She was sure how long they stayed like that, Amelia revelling in the warmth Lucia brought her, heart beating happily, chest feeling light. It took her a few moments to realise her cig had gone out and she wriggled one arm out of Lucia's hold to relight it.

Lucia hummed, "I did say my mum wouldn't like you smoking". Amelia could feel her eyes on her as she took another drag.

"I can do it away from your house".

"Coming back smelling like smoke isn't any better, Amelia".

"I know how to hide it".

Amelia's parents had never cared what she was doing, but at the start, she had hidden the fact that she smoked, and she had done it well enough that not even her siblings had caught on. Or at least until she realised that her mother didn't care and then she would blatantly smoke in front of her to get a reaction out of her. It hadn't ended how she'd wanted it to.

Her siblings hadn't liked it. She'd tried to quit for them.

It hadn't worked. It got worse.

Amelia wondered if Lucia's mother would be disappointed in her. She wondered if she'd...hit her for smoking. Her grip tightened around the cig.

She was terrified of meeting Lucia's mother and it was getting more and more difficult to hide it the closer they got to Christmas. She felt bad comparing her to her own mother, but it was the only frame of reference she really had. She had a pretty bad track record with authority figures, so she had no idea how she'd react and it scared her.

It had taken her years to get used to being around Lilith and Eda, she wasn't sure how she was going to adjust to being thrown into Lucia's life like this. But it was a risk she was willing to take, because she wanted to spend time with Lucia, she wanted to get to know her better. She didn't want to spend the holidays with the same soul-crushing feeling of loneliness she had always felt.

If she stuck with Lucia the entire time, she was sure she'd be fine. This was definitely just another overreaction in a long line of overreactions to things that really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

"Well, okay. I'm not trying to force you to quit or anything, but I do worry about you sometimes" Lucia spoke softly after a few moments of silence.

"You don't need to. I'm fine".

"Sometimes you don't seem fine".

Amelia didn't know how to reply to this at all. She brought the cig to her lips and tried to ignore the way her hands were shaking.

Lucia could read her far too well for her liking. One day she would tell her everything that had happened to her, and that would be the deciding factor of whether she decided to stay in Amelia's life. If she could deal with all her baggage.

But for now, she sighed, smoke billowing from her lips. She leaned further into Lucia's hold and instinctively, Lucia tightened her grip around her, resting her chin on top of her head. Amelia's eyes felt damp but she refused to let any tears flow, she could barely hold them in as her jaw wobbled and she buried her face further into Lucia's jacket.

They stayed like that for the rest of their break.

***

Amelia wasn't sure she was okay. She wasn't sure of a lot of things if she was being honest. Waiting for Lilith to lock up the store in the evening brought with it a lot of weird nostalgia and past memories.

Of Amelia as a teen trying to decide if running away was better than going back to Lilith's apartment to lay in bed and sulk about how unfair her life was, and how she hated Lilith and her pity as the woman made dinner for the both of them like she always did. Dinner she would eat half of before excusing herself back to bed to continue moping. She had been such an ungrateful little shit.

Of Amelia at eighteen, just moved out, Lilith still insisting she drive her back to her apartment when it got dark in case anything happened to her. Amelia had somehow convinced herself it had been some sort of plan to try and control her, but looking back it had just been because Lilith wanted her to be safe.

All Lilith had ever wanted was for Amelia to be safe. And she'd taken it for granted. She only hoped that one day she'd make up for all her mistakes.

She needed to stop being so down on herself- this was a start. Having dinner with Lilith at her apartment was something Amelia had never dreamed of doing, she had never wanted to ever go back there. But here she was, waiting for Lilith to drive her there.

When Lilith reappeared, she followed the older woman out of the mall and into the cold evening air. Amelia shivered, wrapping her jacket tighter around herself as she crunched through the car park towards Lilith's beat-up black car. She waited for Lilith to unlock it and then slid into the front passenger seat, buckling up her belt as the car slowly started to warm up.

"How have you been, Amelia?" Lilith asked once they'd pulled out of the car park and started off down the street. She sounded tired.

"I've been okay" she said, because trying to describe what was going on in her brain was far too difficult at the moment. "And you?" she added, trying to remember her manners.

Lilith sighed as if she held the weight of the world on her shoulders. "I'm just excited for the holidays to be over".

Amelia understood that all too well. She hated how busy the mall got the closer it got to Christmas, the noise, the chattering, the Christmas music blasting the entire day. It was sensory hell, and it was only just beginning. She knew it was going to get continually worse as the week went on.

The rest of the journey went by in amicable silence. It had started snowing and Amelia watched it fall as the sky grew ever darker and the streets slowly cleared of people. It reminded her of her past, when she was still living with Lilith, being driven back and forth from the mall until eventually, Lilith had trusted her enough to be able to walk back on her own when she had to stay late.

Amelia felt the car slow and the engine stop rumbling. The snow had set on the ground now, a fresh layer of softness that crunched pleasantly as she stepped out of the car and onto the curb. She could see her breath in front of her as she tried to control her nervous breathing, trying not to freak out.

Maybe she wasn't ready to come back here, maybe she shouldn't have taken up Lilith's offer.

"Come on, it's cold out here" Her head snapped up to meet Lilith's eyes. She held a hand out to Amelia, the promise of warmth making her follow the older woman into the lobby of the apartment building.

This building was a lot nicer than Amelia's. A LOT. It had a front desk and elevators and heating in the lobby and stairwells that actually fucking worked.

Lilith had wanted Amelia to get her own place here, but she had refused. She was starting to regret her younger self's dumbass decisions. It was just that she hadn't wanted Lilith to be so close by, desperately wanting freedom and the ability to do whatever she wanted without the watchful eye of an adult nearby.

Amelia would've been endlessly happier if she had let Lilith into her life a lot earlier, but she supposed now was the opportunity to make up for lost time.

She slowly started to warm up as they made their way to Lilith's apartment, but the anxiety was still there. She glared at the floor and tried not to think about how many times she had walked down these hallways, tried not to remember how frustated and angry and powerless she had felt. If Lilith could tell she was having an internal battle in her mind, she didn't say anything, just placed a firm hand on Amelia's shoulder, as if to ground her as she unlocked the door.

Lilith's apartment was fairly big and spacious, with enough room to support a woman and the stray kid she had picked up off the streets. Amelia had always wondered why she had such a big apartment if she lived alone, but it was a question she'd never dare ask out loud.

"Take your jacket off, get cosy" Lilith ushered her inside and shut the door behind them, taking Amelia's jacket once it was handed to her to hang up on the radiator to keep warm and dry off a little.

The apartment itself hadn't changed a whole lot since Amelia had left. It still had that warm homely feel to it, decorated more for comfort than aesthetic. Amelia had refused to find this comfort, though, she had never really hung out in the apartment aside from the kitchen or her room.

It was a shame, because the living room was so cosy, lit up by a single lamp so that it wasn't too bright but also not too dark, the big window on one side of the room showed it was snowing quite heavily now. It would be a nice place to be during the warmer months, the summer air wafting through the room, the sunlight brightening the place up.

Amelia sat on the sofa and took off her boots as Lilith disappeared into the kitchen to finish off the food she'd prepared. She put them by the door so she wouldn't get the carpet wet and then stepped into the kitchen to ask if Lilith needed any help with anything.

It was...a lot. The memories that had lay dormant in her brain for such a long time. She could still see the marks on the table from her outbursts, there were still little signs of her presence all over the kitchen. She shut her eyes and tried to shove the memories back into the box in the back of her mind where they belonged.

"I'm sorry," she said, though it couldn't have been any louder than a whisper.

Still, Lilith heard it. She turned around, smiling softly at Amelia. "Sorry for what?" she asked.

Amelia's eyes darted around the kitchen, she was pretty sure she was beginning to hyperventilate but her mind was too focused on the past to really process what her body was doing in the present.

She needed to get control of herself, this was stupid. She was being stupid, she wasn't the same kid who had lived in the apartment so long ago, she was older now, more experienced.

Still hurt, still damaged, but at least she was trying to get better.

"Do you want to help by setting the table?" Lilith's voice made her blink violently for a few seconds, forgetting where she was and slowly coming back from her spiral.

"Y-yeah okay" she nodded, wanting to do something with her hands to distract herself from her thoughts.

Lilith's tableware looked new, which was sort of a relief. If Amelia had had to see the plates she'd cracked, she probably would've burst into tears. She still felt bad though. It felt like she was the reason Lilith had had to replace them in the first place.

She busied herself trying to remember where the cutlery was as Lilith finished off the food and plated it. At Lilith's instruction, Amelia made tea and set the piping hot mugs at their seats before helping put all the dirty cooking stuff in the sink to soak while they ate.

Amelia wrapped her hands around her warm mug to try and steal as much warmth as she could from it. She would've never admitted it in the past, but she had always loved Lilith's tea. It wasn't the usual stuff you'd find at the store, it seemed to come from somewhere else. Amelia had always preferred coffee for the simple fact that she had never been able to figure out where Lilith got her tea from.

As they took their seats, Amelia took a nervous sip of tea as Lilith picked up her knife and fork and spoke.

"So, when are you leaving?"

Amelia set down her mug. "Uhh, next week" she recalled.

"Are you excited for it?"

"Yeah, but I'm also kind of...anxious about it all".

Lilith nodded, swallowing her bite before speaking, "It's been a very long time since you've travelled out of town. But there's nothing to be worried about, Lucia will be there with you and Eda and I are only a call away if you need anything".

"But I'm gonna be hours and hours away from Bonesborough".

"It sounds scary but I promise Lucia will make sure you're okay, even if I can't".

Amelia sat and chewed on her food as she tried to collect her thoughts. She had one rolling around her mind, but she felt bad burdening Lilith with all her worries. Still, she couldn't help but speak her mind.

"But what if Lucia's mum doesn't like me?"

"There's no reason to think she won't love you" Lilith smiled, "you just don't realise how wonderful you are, Amelia".

"I've been horrible to you, I don't understand how you can say that," Amelia said miserably.

"You were a kid who was so clearly hurting, I couldn't hold any of what you did against you. Sure, it frustrated me, but I know how scary and difficult it must've been to trust someone you'd only just met".

"I should've been grateful, you were leagues above what I'd left behind" she sniffled as she drank more of her tea, trying to stop the tears before they came.

"Even so, I was still a stranger to you. You had no reason to trust me, but I'm glad you decided to stay. I don't know what I would've done with myself if you had run away and I never saw you again" It was Lilith's turn to look mournful now. She had probably worried about that exact scenario every time she'd left Amelia by herself....

"You could've easily sent me somewhere else" Amelia's voice sounded so small in her ears, "you could've sent me back".

Lilith reached out to hold Amelia's hand from across the table, squeezing it reassuringly. "I- I was considering it at first. I thought you were just another kid who'd tried to run away, but by letting you stay here, I could tell that it went deeper than that. I did try to see if there was any news of a missing child, but I couldn't find anything. I had no idea where to even start looking".

It hurt to know her parents hadn't even bothered trying to look for her, like a knife stabbed deep into her heart. She knew her parents had never loved her, but some sick part of her had hoped that running away would change something in them.

All she had ever wanted was to be loved.

"They wouldn't have wanted me back anyways".

Lilith sighed, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No child should ever feel like they need to run away".

"It was selfish of me".

"I wouldn't call it selfish-"

"I left my siblings behind" Amelia sobbed.

Dinner had to be put on hold after that because the dam broke and Amelia could barely form a coherent sentence let alone eat anything. Lilith jumped up as soon as she'd started crying, bundling her up in her arms and walking her back into the living room so she could sit somewhere comfy as she tried to calm down. Amelia's face was pressed against Lilith's shoulder, soaking her cardigan with her tears that never seemed to end. She cried out years of grief and regret and pain.

And finally, when she was able to remember how to talk, she told Lilith everything.

Lilith had not known anything outside of the basic context of Amelia's parents being bad enough that she had wanted to run away from them. Now she told Lilith about the abuse, the screaming matches, the throwing, the....hitting. How her mother would always press an ice pack a little too hard to her face and make her repeat 'I love you' until she had convinced herself that she believed it. She told Lilith about her siblings, too, though this felt more bittersweet than anything else.

The older woman sat as still as a statue, a calculating look on her face. Amelia couldn't even begin to decipher what she was thinking, all she knew was that getting this out in the open felt both extremely good and extremely bad at the same time. She hated recalling these memories of the past.

"Is that why you're worried about Lucia's mother?" she asked quietly.

Amelia nodded.

"Promise me, if that woman ever lays a hand on you, tell me. Tell me and I'll drive over there and show her what good parenting looks like" her voice was cold, a hint of anger in it.

"I promise" Amelia sniffled, "I don't think Lucia would put me in any danger like that, it's just my brain trying to convince me".

"If Lucia ever steps out of line, I need you to tell me too, okay? You've been hurt enough in your life, I just want you to be safe and happy" she squeezed Amelia and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head.

Amelia had never truly felt safe, but at this moment, bundled up in Lilith's arms with a blanket thrown around them both, she could finally say that this was what home felt like. That thought brought another wave of tears, though this time they were mournful tears.

"Thank you" she whispered, voice shaking.

"I wouldn't worry about Lucia, though. She's a good kid from what I've heard. Eda has a lot of great things to say about her and I trust my sister to make good judgments of character".

"Yeah, she's pretty...great".

She couldn't see it, but Lilith was grinning at her.

They decided that enough food had been eaten and the rest could be packed away for leftovers once Amelia was ready to get back up. Instead, they stayed on the sofa, comfy, safe, watching movies. It took a while for Amelia to calm down from her little breakdown, she had a lot of emotional baggage to deal with, but confiding in Lilith about her past had felt good. It felt like a weight had been taken off her soul.

Lilith convinced her to stay the night, and after helping wash up and put away the leftovers, she was given some old clothes, told to keep the blanket she had been wrapped in for the past few hours, and finally, she found herself in her old room.

It was as if she'd never left, it was almost exactly the same as she remembered it to be, save for the freshly washed sheets.

Amelia had lay in that bed, many years ago, refusing to eat or sleep or acknowledge the woman who had let her stay.

Now, she lay in that bed, full of delicious food and tea, somewhat satisfied with how the evening had gone, even if she had had a bit of an emotional breakdown, and happy with her standing in Lilith's life.

She'd grown up into someone she had never thought she could be. She was loved.

Notes:

HAPPY NEW YEAR :DDD i have lots of plans for the little meow meow this year (said with evil intent)

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 36

Amelia arrived back at her apartment surprisingly well rested considering she'd spilt her entire life story to Lilith the evening before. Or maybe that was the reason- now that everything was out in the open there was nothing she could hide from the older woman. It hadn't been something she'd ever planned to do, at least not now, but she was glad that it was over and done with at the very least. Talking about her past drained her more than she would admit and she desperately needed some time to decompress.

Lilith had given her the day off, which normally Amelia would've taken as pity, but she was grateful for the chance to be alone and rest from her inner turmoil. She placed the small bag of Christmas presents Lilith had given her as she'd left the apartment beside her sofa and sat down heavily, trying to ease the tension headache that had settled between her eyes from crying the night before. She needed to text Lucia saying she wasn't going to be at the mall and that she was okay so the woman didn't randomly appear at her door like last time. Amelia hated being alone with her thoughts, but right now she needed it more than ever.

After sending the text, she tossed her phone to the side and took off her boots. It was unlikely she'd be going out again today so she could get comfortable and just....relax. Relax and unwind and maybe smoke a bit.

Her mind felt the clearest it had been in a long time, her anxious thoughts weren't plaguing her, the weight in her chest was still there, but lessened considerably.

She still would like to tell Eda, or maybe Lilith could relay what she'd told her to her sister. But that was something future Amelia could deal with.

And then there was Lucia. She wasn't sure how Lucia would react to her past, but it still worried her. Especially because she didn't know how her mother was going to react to her showing up for the holidays, even if it had already been planned in advance.

She had time to dwell on it another day. Today, she didn't want to worry herself into another frenzy when she was still so emotionally burnt out. She grabbed her weed tin and decided to smoke a little bit before lying down.

The first hit burnt all the way to her lungs, but it felt good. Freeing, in a way. Lilith had never liked the fact she smoked, but had acknowledged that it was a stress reliever for Amelia and let her do it as long as it wasn't in excess. The older woman still mentioned about her quitting often, but it had been good to get her off her back when she was still living with her.

Maybe one day she would put in the effort to quit, but right now wasn't that time. She took another drag and blew it out her open window into the chilly morning air and tried not to shiver. It was still cold outside and she was only wearing the shirt she'd worn yesterday and her jacket.

Finishing up the blunt, she shut the window and shuffled into her room to change into one of Lucia's hoodies and bundle herself up in her bed. She wrapped her blankets around herself, pressing her cheek against her pillow, phone propped up in her hand so she could do a little scrolling.

She wasn't tired, she didn't feel tired at least, but eventually sleep found her all the same.

***

The rest of the week dragged on as the mall slowly got busier and busier. Amelia found herself with little downtime to think as she was thrust into the last-minute holiday shopper spree. She was used to it having worked here long enough, but that didn't mean she appreciated the extra work.

Lucia was busy too, she could tell by the way she slumped tiredly on the bench when they'd met up for their break, nursing a coffee with far too much sugar in it and bouncing her leg. She'd spent the entire break fantasising about the nap she was gonna have when she got back home, and Amelia couldn't help but agree with her future plans.

Finally, the week came to an end and Amelia allowed herself to rest her exhausted body, ordering takeout and then laying in bed for the rest of Friday evening.

The party Lucia and Salix had been talking about was the next day, and even though Amelia was still recovering from the week she'd just had, still wanted to rest a little more, she had agreed to come with them and would keep her word.

Amelia was not very good with parties, she hadn't gone to any during high school apart from the little get-togethers Salix would host sometimes with her and their friends from other classes. She had never felt like she'd fit in with Sal's other friends, and she was sure they had felt the same towards her. She was far too weird and awkward and drank too much and had to be babysat by Sal, taking their time from their other friends because she was so selfish and broken she couldn't do anything right.

Tomorrow night would not be like that, she decided. She wanted to show Salix how much she'd grown and changed and maybe even matured. She wasn't a dumb kid anymore.

The next day she woke up before her alarm and couldn't seem to get back to sleep. She was still extremely nervous and it showed in her apatite. She knew she needed to eat something substantial otherwise she would feel like dogshit the next day, but her anxiety was making it hard to get anything down. Still lying in bed, trying to force herself up to take a shower and eat some breakfast, her phone pinged.

It was from Lucia, inviting her over for the day so they could all leave for the party together.

Another ping. And Salix was cooking a big lunch for them and wanted to know if she wanted any....

Amelia couldn't say no to that, she sent off a text and then rolled out of bed. Lucia would be coming to pick her up but she still had a little window of time to shower before then. She grabbed a few things from the pile of clothes she'd washed earlier that week and slid into the bathroom.

It always felt amazing when the hot water hit her bare skin now that her shower had been fixed. It felt like she was washing away all the dirt that had accumulated on her body over the past few days as she made quick work of cleaning herself and washing her hair. Once she stepped out, she dried herself, changed into her fresh clothes, brushed her teeth and put on some light eye makeup like usual.

With her hair still drying in the musty air, a knock came from her door. Lucia's eyes scanned over her when she opened the door, an unreadable expression on her face. It made Amelia's skin itch, but not necessarily in a bad way.

She picked at her nails nervously and asked, ".........Do you wanna come in?"

Lucia blinked and nodded, her cheeks reddening.

Amelia shut the door behind them as she scurried off to find her boots. Lucia loitered nearby, hands in her jacket pockets as she swayed back and forth on her feet.

"Do you have any bigger jackets?" she piped up, watching Amelia as she reached for her usual jacket. "It's gonna be really cold tonight".

Amelia paused. She was a stubborn fuck who hadn't bought a new jacket since she'd first got the worn little leather jacket she'd been wearing since high school. She shook her head and grabbed her jacket, holding it to her chest almost protectively.

"No worries, I'm sure Sal or I have one you can borrow" Lucia smiled, adjusting her beanie.

"I'm wearing this to your apartment" It didn't feel right leaving home without it.

"Sure".

They left soon after, trudging down the steps and outside into the ice and snow. Lucia had been right, it was freezing outside and Amelia was clearly not dressed for the weather. Lucia wrapped an arm around her and hurriedly guided her to her car.

"Guess this means we're gonna have a white Christmas," she said lightly as she buckled herself in and waited for the car to heat up.

Amelia huffed, rubbing her hands together and then sticking them under her thighs for warmth, "I hate it".

"C'mon get in the Christmas spirit!!" Lucia nudged her.

"I think I'll be miserable forever instead, thanks" Amelia replied flatly.

Lucia snickered, her grin widening as she pulled off the curb and started off down the road. Her fingers tapped the melody of whatever cheesy Christmas song was on the radio as she drove, and Amelia couldn't help but watch as her hands grasped the wheel as she turned down another road. She allowed herself to think of those hands holding her, how firm and steady they felt wrapped around her. She allowed herself to think about those hands holding her own smaller ones, enveloping them with their warmth.

After that, she had to stop thinking, because her brain was beginning to overheat. She glared out the window instead, out into the dull grey streets lined with dull grey buildings.

When they made it to Lucia's apartment, it was another bolt into the cold air and back into the warmth of the building. They took the elevator up with Lucia's arm still wrapped around Amelia's shoulder, one of her fingers was playing with a ringlet of still-drying hair and it was driving Amelia crazy. In a good way.

The smell of food had wafted down the hallway as they walked up to the apartment. Sal greeted them from the kitchen as Lucia unlocked the door and the smell grew tenfold. She was told to sit down, take off her boots and get comfy while the food was being prepared and it reminded her so much of how Lilith had taken care of her when she'd gone round that she had no choice but to sit and feel a sickly sort of nostalgia for it.

Most of the morning and afternoon were spent snacking and talking amongst themselves. It was good to see Salix again, good to sit next to them and catch up on life as Amelia had not had much of a chance to see them since they'd both been so busy with work. Amelia could feel the anxiety about the party slowly melting away, the presence of both Lucia and Salix always helped ease the tension in her body. She was still nervous, but she knew that if she stayed close to her friends she'd be okay.

It eventually grew dark and Lucia disappeared to find a warmer jacket for Amelia to wear so she wouldn't freeze. Salix watched her go and then locked eyes with Amelia.

"She's been really excited for this, y'know".

Amelia turned to them. "Yeah?"

They took their glasses off to rub the lenses on their shirt, "Mmhm. Mostly 'cause you're coming. I told her you probably wouldn't accept her invitation and she's been so smug about it ever since you agreed to come".

"I thought it could be fun" Amelia shrugged.

"It's just a house party, so nothing too big. But if you start to feel overwhelmed and neither of us is nearby, just text, okay?"

Amelia felt a little silly having to be told this, even if she knew that she did get easily overwhelmed in situations like these. It made her feel less like an adult and more like someone they would have to babysit the entire time. And she didn't want that, she wanted the others to have fun too.

She looked away, nodding, and made eye contact with Lucia as she walked out of her room with a jacket slung over one shoulder.

"It might be a bit big on you" she said, placing it on the sofa beside Amelia, "but it'll keep you warm".

The jacket was similar to the one Lucia usually wore, a big muted green canvas jacket, but this one had a fur-lined hood and thick lining inside. Amelia's hands immediately clasped into the soft fur and Lucia smiled warmly at her, pleased with her reaction.

Amelia transferred her cigarettes and lighter into the pockets of the new jacket and slipped it on. It hung heavy on her shoulders, going down to about her mid-thigh but Lucia had been right, she could immediately feel the warmth. It smelt faintly of Lucia, which also helped a bit.

The look Lucia gave her when she put it on was something unreadable but made Amelia's cheeks heat up all the same. Lucia opened her mouth and then shut it, repeating the gesture a few times before shaking her head and excusing herself to go find her boots. Salix snickered at her and she flipped them off.

A cab had been booked earlier and would be there to pick them up soon. Amelia felt her nerves begin to creep back into her limbs but she tried to tamp it down. They'd decided to split the fair between the three of them as they were going a little ways out of town and it would be about a half-hour journey there and back, though Salix had warned it might be longer depending on traffic going into the main city near Bonesborough.

Amelia stood outside with her friends to wait for the cab when the time came. It was freezing outside considering it had only just turned 7pm. She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her jacket and ran her fingers over her lighter in an attempt to calm herself. Lucia was to her left chatting casually with Salix, looking down the road to see if there were any oncoming cars. Amelia glared at her boots, covered in snow from where she'd been kicking at the little clumps formed against the outside walls of the apartment building.

A car pulled up to the curb and rolled down its window. Sal crouched down to ask "Cab for Park?" and the man inside nodded.

They got in, with Lucia in the middle and Sal and Amelia on either side. Amelia could feel Lucia's arm brush up against hers as the cab pulled out into the street. and she grinned at Amelia when they made eye contact. Amelia's lips quirked up, but her anxiety was beginning to take over again.

She was used to car rides, but usually, when she was around strangers she preferred to have her headphones on. Maybe it was to halt any impending small talk coming her way, or maybe it was just for comfort, but right now she desperately wished she had something to block out the sound of the cab's rumbling engine.

Lucia nudged her again to get her attention and Amelia glanced at her from the corner of her eye. She felt Lucia's warm hand brush against her own and she froze up.

"Can I?" Lucia whispered so only she could hear.

Lucia's hand was overlapping her own, asking for their fingers to be intertwined. Amelia swallowed nervously and nodded, not daring to look down at their hands.

It worked- her anxiety had been replaced with the fluttering in her heart and the weird wormy feeling in her chest whenever she was this close in proximity to Lucia. She tried to will herself to stop sweating and instead glared out the window. Lucia's hands felt so soft in her own. They felt exactly what she thought they would. Not that she'd been thinking about it that much...

She could tell when they were nearing the outskirts of town by the way the buildings thinned into the countryside. She'd never gone past the town limits, not really having any reason to until now, but she was somewhat familiar with the countryside that surrounded it. Watching the last parts of Bonesborough leave her sight, going into the unknown, it would've been terrifying for Amelia if Lucia and Sal hadn't been with her. Deep down, she'd never thought she'd ever leave the old town, she thought she'd die there, and then get buried in the old cemetery near the sea.

It was a quiet car ride save for Salix giving directions as they began to see civilisation again. Sal went this way every day for work, and it seemed Lucia was somewhat familiar with the route too, but Amelia was way out of her comfort zone. Still, Lucia's hand grounded her, and when she gave it an anxious squeeze, she got a firm one back in response that almost made her jump in her seat.

They weren't going straight into the city, still part-way in the countryside but about a ten-minute walk to the city centre if needed. As the sky grew impossibly darker, Amelia could barely make out where they were anymore, the trees and buildings blending into the darkness.

The car slowed down and turned up a dirt road upon Salix's instruction and it was obvious they were closing in on their destination. Amelia took in a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and tried to memorise the feeling of Lucia's warm hand as the other woman's fingers slipped from her own to start unbuckling her seatbelt. Her hand felt cold without the contact, the faint feeling of pins and needles went up and down her arm, all the way to her heart that ached to be held once again.

But that would have to wait, because they had arrived. The cab stopped and the driver mumbled something that Amelia couldn't make out. She unbuckled her seatbelt and stumbled out onto the path, scuffing dirt and snow beneath her boots. Her breath came out in billows past her lips and she turned around to seek out Lucia for more warmth as she too got out.

Salix thanked the driver, paid, and then ushered the other two further up the path. They seemed excited, which brought up Amelia's spirits a little bit. She loved seeing her old friend look so happy.

But then she saw the house and stopped walking.

It wasn't as big as the manor she'd grown up in, but it looked similar to it, the way it towered over her, framed by the same steel gates that were open to let cars in and out. 'Small house party' seemed to be a bit of an understatement, because there were already quite a lot of people here, probably work buddies and their plus ones, and Amelia was beginning to regret ever agreeing.

Before she could back out and find her own way back to safety, she was already walking through the gate and up to the door. She bit back panic and tried to force herself to think of the positives- that being free booze which she would happily accept.

The door was closed but there were people milling about outside with drinks in their hands. Salix greeted a few of them, promising to talk to them more later once they'd gotten a few drinks in them before opening the front door. They only noticed Amelia's hesitance as they were about to step inside.

"You okay?" they asked.

She kind of very much didn't want to go into the house, because it reminded her far too much of the manor and it was beginning to freak her out. But instead of verbalising that, she swallowed down her fear and nodded, trying to put on a determined face for her friend.

Salix didn't look very convinced, but knew she wouldn't budge on the issue. They held the door open for Lucia and Amelia and guided them down the long hallway towards the kitchen. The entire walk there, Amelia didn't look up once, staring at her feet and the carpet and the place where the wall met the floor- anything but the actual house itself.

The kitchen was thankfully empty, bottles of mixers and booze strewn about. A few cases of beer and cider were propping open the door, half gone already. Lucia picked up a can of cider and popped open the tab, drinking greedily from it while Salix picked up a couple of plastic cups and turned to Amelia.

"What do you want?"

"I'll have whatever you're having," she said.

Salix shrugged and started making the drinks. Measuring out shots of vodka and topping up the cups with coke. They handed one of the drinks to Amelia and she began to sip on it, not tasting the alcohol at all due to Salix's masterful mixing. They'd always been so good at this.

There was music playing from another room loud enough for it to bounce off the walls and into the kitchen. Amelia drank and lingered in the kitchen with the others, trying not to focus on her brain trying to sabotage her from having at least a decent time. She just needed more booze in her, that was all. Then she could finally begin to relax.

Whenever someone would come in, Salix would greet them, offer to mix a drink and idly talk with them as they did so. Sometimes Lucia would join in, introducing herself or making a dumb joke, but Amelia stayed silent. She wasn't great at small talk and felt far too sober to release the tension in her posture. She stood off to the side, leaning against the counter and trying desperately to keep close to Lucia.

She really needed to loosen up- this was supposed to be a fun little break from the busy week she'd just had, but the fear of opening her mouth to speak up and saying something dumb that'd make everyone suddenly hate her was far too overwhelming. So she continued to nurse her drink in silence, a casual observer of the conversation happening before her. It wasn't like they didn't at least try to include her, but her one word responses made her feel even worse about it.

As the evening turned to night, more people arrived and more drinks were passed out. Amelia poured herself another drink and hoped that maybe this would be the one to tip her over the edge into a nice tipsyness that'd make her less anxious.

It didn't, but the next poorly mixed drink did.

Eventually, they moved from the kitchen further into the house. Amelia stayed close to Lucia's side as they were shown around and guided upstairs with the promise of dumb party games awaiting them. This seemed to excite Lucia, who reminisced of her university days where she'd kick ass at beer pong and get fucked up while doing so. 

Salix had rolled their eyes at that. "I was the reason we always won" they teased, "you're just the one that drank the beer for the both of us".

"And I did a damn good job of it!" Lucia preened as Sal jabbed her lightly with their elbow "Agh- hey be nice!!"

Watching Lucia and Sal mess about, snickering at each other, put her mind at ease. This felt good, normal, almost as if she wasn't currently in an unfamiliar house surrounded by unfamiliar people.

That little bubble of happy nostalgia was popped immediately as they stepped foot on the second floor of the house. The sounds of people were everywhere, there was even more music being played from one of the rooms, clashing with the booming music from downstairs- a sensory nightmare.

Amelia gulped down her drink in an attempt to re-orient herself, the poorly mixed vodka burned all the down her throat, but it didn't taste as nasty as the first time, which meant she was getting more tipsy. That was good.

Just as they were about to walk into a room a little ways down the hallway, Lucia spun around to stop her, placing a hand on her shoulder. Amelia blinked, her head swam as she looked up into Lucia's eyes. She had a serious expression on her face.

"How are you doing?" she asked, her voice didn't match her expression at all- it was so soft and gentle it took Amelia aback a little.

"I've been better" Amelia confessed, because Lucia's dark eyes were beginning to pull her in. She couldn't look away.

"Do you wanna go somewhere quiet? I know it's a bit much, even for me".

Amelia shook her head, determined to stay. "No, I'm okay for now".

Lucia nodded, trusting Amelia's word. "Alright, but the second you wanna go somewhere quiet you'll tell me, right?"

She was already beginning to feel like that, but she agreed anyways.

"Do you promise?"

"I promise. C'mon let's go already" she shoved Lucia forward jokingly, putting on a brave face. 

Lucia grinned at her before stepping into the room.

Notes:

damn i hope nothing bad happens to them. or maybe smth good will happen who knows :3

anyways amelia is a vodka coke girlie and also cant mix drinks for shit she just like me frfr

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 37

It was probably one of the largest gatherings of people in the entire house, save for outside she supposed, and Amelia was desperately waiting for the alcohol to hit before she gave in and backed out. She had to keep going, be strong and able to handle one dumb fucking party without having a breakdown. She had to. She kept her eyes locked onto Lucia's back as she walked over to Salix on the other side of the room, shuffling her feet and refusing to meet eyes with anyone else. It was an awkward dance of weaving around bodies and Amelia cringed as she brushed against someone's arm, muscles tensing.

Sal was already talking to someone when Lucia strode up and nudged them playfully. They smirked and shoved her back and then introduced her to the people around. It took great effort for Amelia to calm down again and get back the confidence that had so swiftly been taken from her.

She almost lost balance at the sudden arm that wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her forward as she too was finally introduced.

"- and this is Amelia" Salix ruffled her hair. She grit her teeth and tried to pry off their arm, more annoyed about being caught off guard than anything else. She dug her nails into their arm in an attempt to remove them but they didn't yield, keeping her trapped under their arm as they continued to converse.

It was like they were trying to tell her to stop hiding, which was dumb because that was defintiely not what she was doing at all. She was just...standing back and giving them some space to talk with their friend is all.

"Er- hi," she said awkwardly, making eye contact with the guy for one second before continuing to stare at the floor.

The guy chuckled good-naturedly like her weird offputting nature didn't bother him at all, which was weird because it seemed like that was all it did around people she wasn't familiar with.

"Not your usual Saturday night?" he asked and Amelia desperately tried not to shrink into herself. It felt backhanded in a way, like he was asking why she was even here in the first place if she wasn't going to socialise. But then he continued, "I get it- want another drink?"

Amelia managed to squeak out a little "Yes please!" as Sal lifted their arm off her and offered to make it for her. They took her slightly crumpled plastic cup and wandered off in search of the booze.

Lucia nudged her and mouthed, 'Are you okay?' when she looked up. Amelia nodded, refusing to back down. She just needed to drink more, and then she wouldn't be so anxious about being around so many people.

Sal returned with the drinks and asked how Amelia was doing. It felt like no matter what she did she was still the weird little freak who needed to be babysat in any and all social situations because everyone thought she couldn't handle it. It was both frustrating and upsetting, and even though she knew her friends meant well, she couldn't help but feel like they were treating her like she'd break at any moment.

She didn't say any of this because that was rude and she didn't want to upset anyone. She thanked Sal for the drink and immediately started to chug it down instead. Salix gave her a look like they wanted to say something, but stopped themself as someone announced that beer pong was about to start, making Lucia launch up and grab them, shaking them as she excitedly pointed at the table being set up.

Amelia didn't participate because she didn't like beer and her hand-eye coordination was dogshit, but she watched curiously, hovering by the table as the teams were picked and the cups were lined up on the table. She didn't really understand what was happening, she had nothing more than a basic understanding of Throw ball in other team's cup to win, but that was all she really needed.

It was weird standing in a room full of people who worked full-time 9-5's playing a dumb party game and giggling and cheering with every throw. It felt like something she shouldn't be allowed to witness, something she had never deserved. To look around and see a room full of people, happy and carefree, just drinking and having fun. She didn't deserve it, she never had.

Lucia was throwing back a cup of beer and wincing with every sip. Sal was giggling at her, the crowd that had formed around the table were cheering them on. Strangers who had never met and old friends packed in together with one goal in mind- to watch the game before them and have fun while doing so.

Amelia didn't feel like she belonged in this crowd of people. She finished her drink and scoured around for another one. This one was poorly mixed, she was far too tipsy to care about the alcohol-to-mixer ratio anymore, and when she managed to push her way back to the front of the crowd, even more cups were missing from the table. It was getting close, the crowd was getting rowdier and as Lucia and Sal drank more, she could tell that their focus was beginning to wane with the cloudiness in their minds. Not that anyone cared, a little extra sloppiness in their throws made for extra drama.

She hovered near Lucia and Sal on their side of the table trying her best to be an encouraging presence, silently cheering them on, wanting desperately for them to win so that she could see them happy.

They played til there was one cup each on either side and then the tension suddenly grew in the room. It was the other team's try first and they missed. Amelia held her breath as Lucia tried to line up her shot.

And then she put down her arm. And turned to Amelia.

"Wanna have the last shot?" she asked, grinning.

"What- but I'm not..." Amelia stuttered, "Is that allowed??"

Lucia shrugged, "Who cares! It's just a game. C'mon I know you can do it".

Amelia didn't think she could do it. Her vision was starting to swim, both from the booze and the collective noise of the crowd and music that was beginning to blend into one. Her ears were ringing loudly, she didn't think she could focus on the cup long enough to make even a decent shot. But then she looked up into Lucia's dark eyes, so full of trust, the way her lips parted ever so slightly as she smiled. She stared a little too long at those lips, until she realised they were still waiting for an answer.

"S-sure" she really hoped Lucia hadn't noticed her staring at her lips.

Lucia licked her lips as if reading Amelia's mind, and handed over the little pingpong ball to her as she tried to get rid of the red flush on her face. She stepped up to the table and eyed the cup on the other side. It was far back right on the end of the table- a tricky shot for someone who was bad at throwing and also pretty tipsy. Turning back to Lucia, the taller woman grinned and gave her a thumbs up, and that was all she needed to attempt the throw.

It was hard to focus when she could feel so many eyes on her, but she tried to tune everything out, narrow the world down to just the table and the cup. She could do it. Lucia and Sal were counting on her and she didn't want to disappoint them.

She tried to calculate the distance between her and the cup, but she knew she was mostly just stalling for time, trying to will her head to stop swimming so she could at least try to aim in the correct direction.

Taking the shot, she held her breath as the ball flew into the air in a nice little curve, straight towards the cup as if it had been a perfect throw. She could hear people whispering around her as the ball fell towards the ground. It hit the rim of the cup and everyone in the room stopped breathing for a few beats.

The cup wobbled and it was unclear which direction the ball would fall, until it started tipping to the side and fell into the cup with a little 'pop' that was barely heard over the sound of the music. The crowd burst into cheers as the last cup was drank from and Amelia had barely any time to process what the fuck was even going on before she was grabbed from behind and hoisted into the air. She let out a little panicked noise as she was spun, grabbing onto the arms around her middle and digging her nails into them. When her feet finally hit the ground she stumbled, dizzy and a little nauseous, her head hadn't gotten the message and was still spinning. Lucia's hands were all over her, she could tell by the faint citrus smell, and it made her feel weird and fuzzy.

Lucia was now in front of her, cupping Amelia's face with her warm, large hands. They felt so soft and grounding and she blinked slowly to try and decipher what Lucia was saying before she got too distracted by the skin-on-skin contact.

"You did it!!! You won!" she was saying, her voice was so light, like there was a laugh bubbling out of it.

"Yeah, I won" Amelia repeated, breathless.

***

She could still feel Lucia's hands on her face if she really thought about it. An odd sort of warm pins and needles going up and down her cheeks. Not that she was thinking about it- she'd just been surprised is all. Lucia was a very affectionate person, she would've done the same to Salix if they had been the one to win the game for them. She wasn't any different from another one of Lucia's friends, there was nothing weird about the woman's actions.

Amelia grumbled to herself as she washed her hands, glaring at herself in the mirror. She'd gotten lost looking for the bathroom and wasn't looking forward to finding her way back over to her friends, but for now, she felt a little respite. The cold water washing over her hands, the weird fancy soap that she forced herself to use despite hating the smell, the music that could barely be heard this far into the house. She sighed.

Looking in the mirror just made her realise that she was getting kind of fucked up now, which was a good thing. She looked kind of fucked up too, but that was pretty usual. Her anxiety had left, for the most part, replaced by a warm, fuzzy feeling in her chest that she wasn't sure was from the booze or...Lucia.

"Get ahold of yourself" she growled, pointing menacingly at herself in the mirror, flicking water from her hands onto it.

Maybe she should lay off the drinks for a bit before she did or said something stupid. She turned the tap back and filled up her empty plastic cup. The water tasted faintly of the last dregs of booze left in the cup, but it was refreshing all the same, in the way shitty tap water can only be when you're drunk.

Someone knocked on the door and she jumped, realising she'd been standing there for far longer than she'd meant to. She groaned and took another sip of her water before drying her still-damp hands and unlocking the door.

She was currently on the first floor of the house, near the kitchen, and she passed through a crowd of people who were making drinks and out into the hallway that led back up stairs. Now that she was considerably less sober, the house seemed less terrifying, though she still felt uneasy as she treaded carefully back up the stairs.

Remembering which room her friends were in was a challenge. They all looked the same, stretching down the hallway with neat white doors that were a little scuffed from people walking in and out of them all night. Most of them were closed, which probably meant her friends weren't in those ones, so she tried out the open ones instead.

The first room she peeked into was the one playing music and there was definitely no Lucia or Sal. She ducked out and walked further down the hallway, trying not to get too disoriented and start panicking. She could feel the vibrations of the bass through her body and it made her feel ill.

She almost dropped her cup when Lucia's head poked out of one of the open doorframes, gesturing her to come back in.

"What took you so long?" she asked as Amelia scurried up to her, trying to quell her beating heart.

"I got lost" Amelia confessed. She leaned against Lucia because standing was hard, and almost jumped for joy when the woman wrapped an arm around her shoulder to pull her closer.

"I understand...this house is a fuckin' maze. I can't imagine living anywhere like this".

"Hah....yeah I know right" She cautiously put an arm around Lucia's waist, and when she received no resistance, made a proud little noise at herself. Her hand was sweating like crazy but she felt good about the contact, she wanted to stay like this forever.

"C'mon, they're starting another game" Lucia spoke like the hand on her waist didn't bother her, which was good. It was kinda hard to tell, but her cheeks looked a little red in the hallway lighting.

When Amelia had left, they'd been playing some sort of drinking card game, and there was still a small group of people playing in the corner. Still attached to Lucia, she followed her to where another group was forming. Sal greeted them, eyes flicking over them and smirking at Lucia, who rolled her eyes and pulled Amelia closer.

When people began to fan out, sitting down on the carpet in a little circle, Amelia hesitated.

A bottle was placed in the middle and she blurted out a little "Are you serious?" at the sheer thought of what was about to happen.

"It's just a silly game" Sal shrugged, sitting down next to one of their work friends, leaving space for Lucia and Amelia to sit beside them. "You don't have to play".

"I'm down," Lucia said, detaching herself from Amelia to sit next to Salix.

The thought of Lucia kissing someone else- a stranger, made Amelia's heart sink into her stomach. It made her feel like her whole world was going to be torn apart if she saw that, but she couldn't fully put into words why. Lucia was her own person and could make her own decisions and Amelia had no say in who she should and shouldn't kiss. But, the thought hurt her more than she would ever admit out loud.

She sat down between her friends because she couldn't bear the thought of not playing this stupid game and having to watch someone be all over Lucia.

The little group of 20-somethings trying to relive their university days began the game. The first few rounds were pretty standard and everyone seemed to be a good sport. Some people backed out and took a shot instead, but most were happy to give each other pecks, with the occasional more forward gestures that were more often than not reciprocated.

Amelia sat there watching it all unfold, feeling so incredibly out of place. She had never experienced this in highschool, had never gone to uni, had never kissed anyone with any sliver of true romantic intent, everything felt so alien to her. Watching these people- some of them strangers, be able to interact and kiss so easily was so foreign to her.

Lucia kept glancing over at her out of the corner of her eye like Amelia wouldn't notice. It felt as if she were checking in on her, making sure that she was comfortable, but there was something else to it too. As if she wanted Amelia to be cognisent of the fact that they were playing some dumb kissing game, and that there was a high chance that Lucia would be kissing someone.

That someone would never be Amelia.

It hurt, but it was true.

Lucia deserved someone better, who could treat her like she deserved to be treated. Not Amelia, the person who could barely get out of bed most days. Who couldn't even quit smoking when her best friend asked her to all those years ago, who had treated the one person who had tried to act as a good parental figure like shit up until recently. Amelia was not a good person.

She sipped her shitty lukewarm water and fought the urge to replace it with something much, much stronger.

The stupid bottle was spun again and she barely registered it, stewing in her own mind. She was jabbed sharply in the arm as the bottle slowed down but it took her a few seconds to get out of her head and start focusing back on the game.

It looked like it was about to stop on Salix, which was fine. The thought of someone kissing Sal didn't make her feel sick like it did with Lucia.

But then it kept going.

It passed Sal and all Amelia could do with sit rigid as it stopped a little ways past her knee. Almost at Lucia, but so clearly not that she had no idea what the fuck to do. She hadn't exactly been prepared for this.

She looked up and met eyes with the guy who'd spun the bottle, who smirked at her like he expected her to leap up and start making out with him immediately.

"No," she said before her brain caught up with her mouth. "Uh- I mean no thanks. I'll um- I'll take a shot".

"Aw c'mon I thought this was s'posed to be fun" the guy said.

Amelia shook her head because she didn't know what to say. She was beginning to panic, the thought of kissing this random guy was so fucking terrifying she felt like she couldn't breathe. She stood up on shaky legs and excused herself from the game.

It seemed as if no one had sensed any of the tension, because the game continued on like nothing had happened. Amelia shuffled to the other side of the room to pour herself a shot and took it, adding one more in an attempt to stop her hands from shaking any more than they already were.

She was about to pour a third one when she heard Lucia's voice behind her.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Y-yeah I'm fine" It felt as if bile was rising up Amelia's throat. She desperately needed to leave the room. "Go sit back down, I'll be okay, I just need some space".

As much as she loved Lucia's touch, she didn't really like being touched when she was freaking out like this. If she could escape for a little bit, maybe get some fresh air and have a smoke, she was sure she'd calm down enough to enjoy the party again.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be outside if you need me. I just need a second".

Lucia looked like she didn't want to leave Amelia's side, but nodded anyways.

"Text me if you need to" she mumbled as she turned back to the game.

The journey out of the room, down the stairs and out the door was much simpler now that she vaguely knew where she was going. The cold night air hit her at full force as she stepped outside and she welcomed it. She was freezing in just her hoodie and jeans, having forgotten her jacket in her need to escape, but she didn't care all that much. She couldn't really feel it as the shots worked their way through her system.

Walking around the house, her boots crunching over the snow and little stones in the driveway, she moved into a little hidden shaded spot where no one would bother her. It was a little grassy clearing that stretched all the way to the back of the house though the grass was half-frozen and damaged from the colder, dryer weather.

She reached into the pockets of her hoodie and jolted as she remembered her cigs were in her jacket....

"Fuck" she hissed, clenching her hands into her hair and pulling, frustrated with herself and her dumbass overreactions. She leaned against the cold wall and slid down it, burying her head in her arms and squeezing her eyes shut. She didn't cry, but she felt a lump form in her throat. "Stupid, stupid. Can't do anything right".

She wasn't sure how long she stayed like that, but eventually, she smelt the faint waft of cigarette smoke that made her lift her head up. Her throat itched, fingers twitching at the thought of bumming a cig off whoever was outside. She stood up and her head swooped, reaching a hand out to steady herself as she walked out of the shadows and back around the front of the house.

Someone was sitting on the front steps smoking. They noticed her, possibly noting her bedraggled look, and immediately offered her a cig. She took it gratefully and leaned against the wall near them. The stranger didn't talk to her but she enjoyed their silent company, two souls out in the cold while everyone else was inside partying.

She took a long drag of the cig and it felt like the anxiety swelling in her chest was easing ever so slightly. She hated herself for forgetting her cigs in the house, she hated herself for running away, she hated herself for thinking about what Lucia was doing while she was out here, she hated herself.

This was supposed to be a fun little night out, she needed to stop being so self-deprecating. Everything was fine, nothing was wrong and she needed to calm down.

She continued smoking her cig all the way up to the filter, and then flicked it out onto the lawn.

"Hey".

The voice cut through the silence in the air like a knife, she jolted and spun around.

It was the guy from before.

"Um...hi?"

"I don't appreciate how you ran away back there," he said before she'd even finished his greeting. He walked down the steps with purpose and Amelia felt trapped.

"Well I mean- I have a choice not to-"

"I don't care. You didn't even give me a chance".

A chance for what?? Nothing would've even happened between them. Amelia had known for a very long time that she was not into men. But she felt far too terrified to ever admit that out loud, especially not to someone like him.

"There were plenty of other people playing..." she tried to reason with him.

"Yeah, and they all kissed me. So why didn't you?"

Amelia opened her mouth and then shut it. What was she even supposed to say to that???

"Dude back off!!"

Why were so many things suddenly happening at once? Amelia was so tired of this.

Except...that was Lucia's voice. Lucia was here, stomping down the steps up to the guy, putting herself between him and Amelia.

"Stop being a fucking creep to my girlfriend and fuck off" she hissed, sizing herself up to the guy.

Amelia's brain shut down as the guy looked between her and Amelia. He sneered.

"Why was she playing spin the bottle if she's dating you? Not good enough for her?"

"No, we were just sitting with our friend" Lucia growled. "We were playing for the free shots".

"Whatever" he grumbled, slinking back into the house and muttering about dumb lesbians always leading him on.

Amelia couldn't hear anything, her ears were ringing and her heart was thumping almost painfully in her chest.

Girlfriend?????????

Was this a thing that'd happened and she just hadn't realised??? What the fuck was even happening anymore??????

"'m sorry I left you and didn't check up on you I jus' thought you needed space and didn't wanna make you uncomfy so I stayed but then the bottle kept spinning on me and I kept taking shots 'cause I couldn't stop thinking about you and I'm sorry I'm sso fucked up right now" Lucia slurred, leaning against Amelia and practically jumpstarting her back to life.

It took a few moments for Amelia to process the jumbled mess of words coming out of Lucia's mouth. She was still reeling from that word.

GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

She gently guided Lucia down to sit on the steps. The stranger she'd smoked with had vanished, possibly back into the house to avoid any oncoming drama. They were alone out here in the cold, with Lucia practically lying on top of her, slumped over with her eyes half open.

"It's okay," Amelia said once she had managed to find her words again. "I didn't want you to worry about me, I just wanted you to have fun".

"I was havin fun" Lucia nodded solemnly, "but I missed you". She buried her face in the crook of Amelia's neck. "You're really cold".

"I'm fine" she hoped Lucia couldn't feel her heart pounding in her chest. "How are you?"

Lucia groaned. "Fucked upppppp".

"Yeah, I can tell".

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that guy was being shitty to you" she poked her head up to stare at Amelia's face. Her hands hovered over her cheeks and Amelia deeply wished she was brave enough to lean into them. "Did he hurt you??"

"No, it's okay-"

"It's not okay!!!! What if I wasn't there and he assaulted you?? I would've fucking killed him. I still want to...."

"Lucia-"

"I feel like shit makin you be out here in the cold all by yourself. I like you so much it hurts, I don' want anything to happen to you. I want to be with you forever, Amelia".

Amelia was shaking but she didn't know if it was from the cold. Lucia was wasted, she wasn't sure if what she was saying was true, but hearing it said out loud was...a lot. It was as if all her fears were just that- dumb fears that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. That she really was loved, that Lucia did want to keep her around. That maybe she really did have a chance at something more than friendship.

Girlfriend.....

Would Lucia even remember what she'd said tomorrow? Would she still want to be....

She couldn't think about that right now, she had to look after Lucia.

"I don't plan on leaving you anytime soon".

Lucia sniffled, "Good. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for you.

"What??? Lucia, you're already everything to me".

Maybe this was getting a little personal, admitting such a thing to someone who might not even remember she'd said it. But in the moment, it felt like the right thing to do.

"Sometimes I feel like 'm not good enough for anyone" Lucia said miserably, her voice wavering, "but you make everythin feel okay".

"You know Sal and I care about you" Amelia tried desperately to remember what Lucia had done for her when she was feeling down. She reached up underneath her beanie to scratch at her scalp and Lucia hummed happily and snuggled impossibly closer to Amelia, sharing her warmth.

"I know. It's just...it feels like so much all the time" her drunken babbles were hitting a bit too close to home, but Amelia was glad Lucia could air it all out to her. "Like I'm feelin fine one second and then th next I feel worthless".

A thought hit her that made her freeze up. She swallowed nervously and asked, "Did your parents make you feel like you were worthless?"

Lucia sniffled again. "I don' know. It's complicated" was her reply, which didn't help Amelia's nerves about meeting her mother one bit. "My mum was real busy when I was a kid so I didn't get to spend much time with her. But she was trying her best....Can you keep playing with my hair it feels good".

"Sure".

"Thanks. You're the best".

"How are you feeling now?"

"Tired" Lucia sighed, "I'm sorry for dumping that on you, I jus wanted you to know that you mean so much to me and I don't want you to get harassed by freaks I want you to be with me instead".

"O-oh yeah?"

Lucia was drunk. She needed to calm down.

With one hand still draped around Lucia, she took out her phone and went through her contacts. She knew Sal had probably booked a cab for later, but in her drunken mind, she went to the first person who wouldn't immediately be concerned about driving all the way out of Bonesborough to rescue a very drunk Lucia.

Eda.

She sent off a text and hoped she was still awake. Then she texted Salix her plans to make sure they didn't get stranded here by themself.

By the time she was done, Lucia was practically asleep, an immovable object that pinned her to the cold steps, making her unable to move. She shivered and hoped Sal would be able to retrieve her jacket for her so she could warm up on the drive back into Bonesborough.

Her phone pinged, a text from Eda asking for her location and that she was on her way. Relief flooded over Amelia as she replied and then texted Sal again. 

She looked down at Lucia and continued playing with the soft brown curls around her neck. Lucia hummed happily at the touch and squeezed her tighter.

In the darkness, alone, where no one else could see her, Amelia moved her beanie out of the way and pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head.

Notes:

i've been waiting to write this chapter for soooo longgggggg omg i hope u guys liked it :3

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 38

It felt like hours before the headlights of Eda's car cut through the darkness. Amelia was relieved to see her, but also very nervous- she felt weirdly responsible for allowing Lucia to get wasted, and she wasn't sure if Eda would blame her for her current state or not. She herself was starting to sober up more after Salix appeared with some water bottles and her jacket slung over their shoulder, and together they managed to get Lucia to take a few sips of water.

Lucia had been clinging to her the entire time, and Amelia didn't have the heart to remove her. She rubbed up and down her back idly, itching to let go and have a quick cig before they had to leave, but she didn't have the heart to detach Lucia from her, not even when her jacket was placed so invitingly at her side and the cold was beginning to seep into her bones.

Salix was understandably a little concerned for Lucia after she had disappeared and then gotten the texts from Amelia, but they were a good sport about it. They forced Lucia to remove her head from Amelia's shoulder to drink and nibble at some food as they waited.

Eda's car pulled into the long gravel driveway, the headlights temporarily blinding the three of them as they coaxed Lucia to stand. Amelia struggled to get Lucia to the car, the taller woman leaning heavily on her, their limbs still partially tangled up. Together, they slid into the backseat, Amelia barely managing to reach over to shut the door as Sal got into the other side.

"Thanks for picking us up," Amelia said guiltily. Her voice sounded so small in her ears, like she was mentally preparing herself for the scolding of a lifetime.

Eda looked over her shoulder and made eye contact with her as Sal helped buckle Lucia up. "Of course" she shrugged like it was nothing, "I wasn't gonna let you kids strand yourselves out here" Addressing Salix she added, "Is Lucia okay?"

"Yeah, just needs to get some sleep".

The car started back up and they left without any fanfare back down the dark country roads. Eda drove in silence, probably tired from being out so late and it made Amelia feel even worse about asking her for help. It felt as if she was taking Eda's kindness for granted and forcing her into a situation she didn't want to be in.

She stared out the window, feeling Lucia still pressing up against her side, and thought about what she had said earlier. Her fears of not being good enough for the people around her hit way too close to home, but it also made her feel closer to Lucia in a way. Like they had the same struggles, and maybe if they were together, they could help each other out.

Not...together in that way. Maybe. Possibly.

Fuck, she called me her girlfriend...........

How was Amelia supposed to be normal about this??? She'd been trying to push these feelings down for so long that she'd almost convinced herself that Lucia would never even like her in that way.

But then she'd said that word and....and maybe she had a chance?

She couldn't get her hopes up, because if Lucia didn't actually like her like that, the rejection would hit way worse. Amelia had had terrible luck her entire life, what made this any different?

The sound of crinkling plastic filled the silent air of the car and Amelia looked down to realise she had started to squeeze the half-empty water bottle in her hand. Trying not to dislodge Lucia from her perch on her shoulder, she uncapped it and took a big sip. 

 It felt like even more hours passed as they drove through the pitch-black countryside, no other cars in sight. Amelia was starting to feel sleepy but stayed alert, hyperaware of the way Lucia's curls were brushing up against the side of her face. She wanted to run her hands through them but stopped herself.

Eventually, Bonesborough came into view and with it brought the soft golden glow of the street lamps. Amelia sighed in relief at the journey almost being over, even if it meant having to move Lucia from off her.

"Where's your place again, kid?" Eda mumbled at Salix as they drove into the town centre near where the mall was.

In the dark, the mall looked so much different. It felt weird to be here so late at night, like this was something she wasn't supposed to see. All the lights were off, everything locked up, security finishing off their rounds and going home to bed just like everyone else had.

Once upon a time, Amelia had curled up in a dark corner of the cold mall after hiding from security and slept bundled up with nothing but her jacket. Now, she was going back to her bed, in the warmth of her apartment.

A sick feeling of nostalgia passed over her.

"Jus' take a left here" Salix was saying, their voice showing that they too were ready to sleep.

The mall disappeared from view and it felt like Amelia could finally breathe again.

It was a short drive to Lucia and Sal's apartment. Eda parked out front and Sal slipped out the other side and began to unbuckle Lucia, carefully removing her from Amelia's shoulder.

"Need any help?" Amelia asked, feeling sad that Lucia wasn't touching her anymore. Her shoulder and arm felt so cold without the woman snuggling up close to her.

"No, I can get this dumbass back to our place in one piece. It wouldn't be the first time" they said, amused.

Eda snickered. "Take care of her, okay?"

"Yes ma'am" Sal did a little salute.

Eda waved them off and pulled off the curb. "They're a good kid".

"Y-yeah" Amelia agreed.

"Ready to go home?"

Amelia nodded. Her eyes were starting to feel heavy.

The car started back off down the road on the familiar road to Amelia's apartment. The silence settled over the two once again, but it was clear that Eda wanted to say something.

"Did you have fun tonight? At least, til Lucia decided you were her bed".

Amelia felt her face heat up. There was absolutely no way she would ever tell Eda what Lucia had said.

She called me her girlfriend- what does that mean for us????

"Yeah, it was kinda nice," Amelia said instead, playing with her seatbelt and looking shyly at her boots.

"I usually wouldn't expect to see you at a party so far away from town" Eda continued, "I guess Lucia's really been getting to you".

You have no idea....

"I...guess you could say that" She could feel her flustered blush getting worse and she hated it.

She needed to calm herself from these stupid feelings before Eda started asking questions. She unscrewed the cap of her bottle with perhaps a little more force than necessary and drank the rest of her water in an attempt to stop herself from saying anything too stupid.

Obviously, it didn't work. 

"Eda....how do you know if you like someone?"

"Hm? Where's this coming from?"

"I- can you just answer my question".

Eda smiled. After slowing at a traffic light, she glanced at Amelia from the corner of her eye.

"Welllll I guess it's different for everyone" she shrugged unhelpfully. "Distinguishing feelings can be hard, but if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, to hold them and kiss them and spend time with them. That's usually a pretty good indicator".

Amelia lurched forward as the car started moving and she started to curl into herself, feeling far too warm and exposed as Eda went down the list of things she really, really wanted to do with Lucia. She struggled to compose herself, wishing that she'd at least asked to stay the night with Sal and Lucia so she could be closer to her.

"Did that help?" Eda asked, eyeing her.

"Yeah," Amelia said quietly, hoping her pining wasn't too obvious.

Eda nodded almost knowingly, the smile not leaving her face. At least she seemed happy about Amelia's questions, she supposed, but it felt embarrassing to admit she was feeling this way about someone after vowing to never touch romance.

She'd never thought of herself as good enough for someone to spend the rest of their life with. Not even Salix, who she'd managed to convince herself was better off without her. But now that they were back, and she knew very much so that she wanted them to stay, it was harder to push down all her feelings towards them and Lucia.

Amelia loved Salix as a friend, a deep platonic love that had never truly left after she'd run away. With Lucia, that platonic love was still there, but it was slightly different. Shifted to the left. Blossoming into something she was struggling to control- even less so now that Lucia had said that word.

Her apartment building came into view and she was relieved to get out of the car and be alone with her thoughts. As the car pulled onto the curb and Amelia stumbled out, Eda stopped her before she could walk into the building.

"I have something for you," she said over her shoulder, reaching over to the front passenger seat. "Since I heard you're gonna be away for the holidays, I figured I'd give you this now since I don't know when you're leaving".

She was handed a small bag, a little wrapped box inside.

"T-thanks" Amelia stuttered, "I.....didn't get you anything-"

"Don't worry about it" Eda held up a hand before Amelia could spiral. "Just come see me when you get back, okay? You, me and Lily- let's go get dinner or see a movie and you can tell us all about your little trip".

"Yeah, that sounds good" her heart felt so warm.

"And don't open that til Christmas".

With that last order, Eda drove off and Amelia was left standing in the streets, bedraggled, still a little tipsy, Lucia's jacket still hanging off her shoulders, holding the bag in one hand and her empty water bottle in the other. She sighed and watched her breath billow up and out into the cold air, and then turned around and stepped into the building.

The trek upstairs was the same as it always was. Amelia's body ached with tiredness, desperate to finally change into something warm and snuggle up in bed. She'd turn her heating on for a few hours, get cosy, and then have a hot shower in the morning. Yeah...that sounded great.

Once inside her apartment, she all but collapsed onto the sofa, struggling to pull off her boots and remove her jacket, shuffling over to grab some fresh water before heading to her room. Lucia's hoodie was pulled over her head and she took a few moments to breathe in the fading citrus scent coming from the soft fabric like some sort of depraved freak. She loved it.

With the smell enveloping her, it was almost as if Lucia was still there, cuddling her. If she concentrated hard enough, she could almost feel the warm phantom spots where Lucia had been leaning on her before.

Slipping into bed and pulling the covers up to her chin, she sent off a text to the group chat telling then she got back safe, and then stretched sleepily. Placing her phone on her bedside table, she turned over and finally rested her eyes.

***

You're in Lucia's room, sitting on her bed. There's faint music playing but you can't really distinguish what song it is. Your mind feels like it's going a mile a minute.

You're kissing her, you can feel her warm lips on yours, the way one hand cups your face, the other pulling you into her lap. You're straddling her waist, rocking your hips and she's making noises you've only dreamed of hearing.

You pull away, out of breath. Your lips ache. Lucia swipes a thumb up and down your cheek, her pupils are blown out, looking at you with an expression that makes your insides churn.

She opens her mouth to say something, but you can't hear anything.

"What?" you ask, desperate to hear her voice once again.

Lucia speaks again, her mouth sounding out syllables you can't hear. You watch her lips intently, trying to make out what the words are.

Three words. Just as Lucia is rounding out the last word, your vision goes black.

***

The headache that followed the morning after was not appreciated at all. It seemed as if no matter how much water she'd drank, how much food she'd eaten in an attempt to soak up the booze, nothing could stop the oncoming hangover. Amelia groaned as she arose from her sleep, rubbing at her stinging eyes.

Though she was sure Lucia had it way worse than she did right now.

Lucia....

She groaned again, her face flushing. This was not the time to be thinking about Lucia like...that. Especially not when she was about to visit her family for the holidays.

They were due to set out in about two days. It was a long drive and they planned to stay at a motel overnight so Lucia wouldn't have to drive for hours straight, and Sal would be with them for about half the journey before being picked up by their dads and driven back home.

Sal had mentioned this in passing before, and had even mentioned Amelia possibly saying hi to them before they left.

The thought of seeing Salix's dads after so long made her feel sick, so she politely declined. Anyone who had ties to her hometown that wasn't Salix was far too terrifying to talk to. She had briefly considered going back with Sal, but being anywhere near the manor, even if her friend lived on the other side of town, was far too much. The thought of running into her parents had almost made her shut down the last time she'd thought about it. So going back with Lucia was the safest option in her mind.

She also wanted to spend more time with Lucia. Just the two of them. Maybe she'd give Amelia a tour around town, maybe they could go get coffee together.

"I'm so screwed," Amelia said sadly to her ceiling. She wasn't sure how she was gonna get out of this trip alive.

Sitting up, her stomach swooped. It was the faint feeling of nausea made worse by her headache. Her eyes hurt, her head hurt, her legs hurt.

She rolled out of bed and grabbed her phone. Sal had texted her asking how she was doing. Apparently, Lucia was still asleep, which was good. She needed all the rest she could get.

The promise of a shower and possibly something greasy for breakfast made her shuffle out of her room. She'd order some breakfast from one of the local cafes and take a quick shower while she waited and then maybe start packing for her trip. She knew she didn't need to take much, but she still didn't want to forget anything so she'd need a day or so before the trip to obsessively double and triple-check everything before she left.

Ordering the food, she showered away the grime from the party. Being clean made her feel a little better and once her food had arrived, she sat on her bed with her laptop in front of her, getting some food in her system as she watched youtube.

The food made her feel even better, and she had a smoke out her window before starting on some chores.

It felt so strange to be so productive after a night of drinking. In the past, she would use her hangover as an excuse to stay in bed dozing on and off all day. She'd use it as an excuse to ignore texts and calls from Lilith and call off of work. Drinking had been an excuse in itself to stay in bed and mope and rot and think about how miserable her life was.

But it wasn't like that anymore.

Perhaps it was Lucia that made her feel so productive. Just the thought of her made her chest feel so light and happy- it was almost sickening. If teenaged Amelia could see her now she would gag. And make fun of her.

She kept her phone on her to check for updates on Lucia. Part of her wanted to ask to come over so she could help look after her, but she didn't want to intrude, especially if Sal wasn't feeling well either. She felt needy having to ask to come over so often. Maybe it was the deep sense of loneliness that had followed her ever since she'd run away that had only just started to recede. She'd been alone for so long it was weird to have friends so close by.

Laundry basket full, she made the trip to the basement. She passed by a neighbour in the stairwell and almost fell trying to shuffle past them but managed to get there mostly unscathed. As always, the basement was empty and quiet, save for the rumble of a machine going. Someone had been here before, and would be back, but that was fine. She loaded her clothes and then sat on the floor shivering. She'd figured she'd wash Lucia's hoodie while she was here so she could give it back and she already missed the smell. Her own hoodies just didn't do it for her anymore now that she'd gotten a taste for Lucia's oversized ones.

Leaving briefly to smoke outside, Amelia pondered the dream she had. It was a faint memory- she'd always had trouble recalling her dreams ever since she was a kid, but the feelings were still there and it made her beyond flustered. She had to put her cold hands on her face to cool herself down.

She went through two cigs before she felt calm enough to walk back down to the basement, and then after throwing her laundry into the dryer, she went back up for a third. She'd have to grab another pack before she left, and maybe get some more weed too, and made a mental note to text Eda about it later.

As much as she didn't want to make Lucia's mother mad, it wasn't like she could quit cold turkey. She'd tried before when she'd been sick, and countless times before that too, and it had never worked. If she could find a spot a little ways from Lucia's house to smoke without anyone getting angry, that would be her best shot. Having her own mother disappointed in her was nothing new to her. Having Lucia's mother disappointed in her made her want to curl up into a little ball and disappear.

Making a good first impression was important to Amelia. After the slew of bad to terrible first impressions she'd made over the years, she wanted to at least look like she had her shit together.

Her phone pinged as she was bringing her laundry back up to her apartment. She scurried up the last of the stairs and slammed her door open with her shoulder, putting the basket down and grabbing her phone.

It was from Lucia. Suddenly, her laundry was forgotten.

Lucia was doing okay, but she was pretty ill from drinking so much at the party. Salix was looking after her though, which was good, even if Amelia wished she was there instead. She yapped excitedly about the trip, asked how Amelia was doing and teased her when she told her she had already started packing.

They texted for the rest of the day, and only once the sun had set and Amelia's stomach grumbled, did she realise she needed to put away her laundry and eat something.

***

Even so far away from each other, they were almost inseparable. The next day rolled around and they were due to tomorrow. Amelia had dreamed of Lucia again, which was fine and totally not going to mess with her head all day.

After almost forgetting to pack the rest of things, distracted once again, Amelia scrambled to finish off the rest of her little errands. She didn't have a suitcase or anything, but she did have her bag which she felt was good enough. She stuffed her clothes in, making sure to have room for Eda and Lilith's gifts, made sure she had her eyeliner and toiletries in the front pocket, and then left to go buy some more cigs. Her tin was restocked with papers, filters and most importantly, weed, and she tucked that into the front pocket along with her grinder.

And if she packed less warm clothes as an excuse to steal more of Lucia's hoodies...well, that was nobody's business.

Late that afternoon, Lucia invited her to stay the night so they could all leave together and she almost jumped with joy at the thought of not spending another night alone. Her bag was heavy, filled to the brim with everything she needed as she dragged it over to prop against the sofa and wait for Lucia to pick her up. She put on her boots, grabbed her jacket and the one she'd borrowed for the party, and kicked her legs back and forth waiting for the telltale knock on her door.

Seeing Lucia again made her feel equal parts excited and nervous. There was so much she wanted to say to her, but she could never bring herself to do it, not even over text. Instead, as she opened the door and greeted Lucia, she leaned forward into a sort of awkward little hug. Lucia didn't even hesitate to wrap her arms around Amelia in return, though.

"You ready to go?" she asked with her chin resting on top of Amelia's head.

"Yeah, I think so".

"Hmmmmm. Have you packed everything?"

"Mmmhm".

"Have youuuu made sure there's no food that'll go off in your fridge?"

Amelia nodded and knocked her head into Lucia's chin. She'd done a clear out of her fridge and made a little everything dinner with anything that she knew would go off in her absence.

"Good job" Lucia hummed and Amelia's heart fluttered in her chest. "What about your headphones?"

"Huh? What about them?"

"Are you gonna bring them? I know new places can be a bit overwhelming so it might help".

Amelia had almost forgotten about her headphones, too distracted by...everything else going on in her life. They were old and worn out, but had been a great source of comfort for her throughout the years.

"Yeah...I'll go grab them" she replied, not making a move to leave Lucia's arms.

Lucia chuckled, squeezing her and letting go. She was sad to leave the warmth Lucia brought, but she supposed it wouldn't be for long anyways. Her headphones were sitting in a drawer on her bedside table, tucked away safely. She took them out, put them around her neck, and then stepped out to see Lucia hoisting her bag over her shoulder.

"This is heavy, did you put rocks in here or something?" Lucia asked lightly, grinning.

"It's just clothes and stuff" Amelia shrugged as she went to put on her jacket.

Lucia held out a hand. "You should put on my one" She nodded to the borrowed jacket lying on the sofa. "I-it's still cold out after all. I think it might snow again in the next few days.".

Amelia didn't need to be told twice. She slipped on the oversized jacket and pulled it shut so that she was bundled up cosily in it. Lucia stared at her for perhaps a few beats too long and then muttered something that Amelia didn't quite catch.

"What was that?" she asked as she slung the other jacket over her shoulder.

"N-nothing!! Let's go!"

Amelia followed her out and locked the door behind her, saying a silent goodbye to her apartment til at most, the new year. She walked down the steps for one final time and then piled herself and her bag into Lucia's car.

They spent the evening making dinner and hanging out. Lucia and Amelia playfully argued about who would sleep where that ended in Amelia reluctantly agreeing to take Lucia's bed again.

In an ideal world, she would've worked up her confidence and suggested they both sleep in Lucia's bed, but that was something she couldn't bring herself to say, no matter how much she wanted to.

Deep down, Amelia Blight was a coward. But maybe this little trip would change things?

Notes:

most normal yuri pining i fear

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 39

Amelia was surrounded by warmth, her face pressed into a pillow that smelt faintly of citrus. She took in a deep breath, still half asleep, and hummed happily, slowly rolling over to bring the blanket back up to her chin and tucking it under her. She could hear footsteps and low mumbles from outside the room. The apartment was full of life, and it just felt so normal to be here once again, waking up to the sound of Lucia and Sal nearby.

She wasn't sure when they'd be leaving for their trip, but she figured she could stay in bed for a little longer. Last night had been the best sleep she'd had in days, and she was feeling pretty good about the upcoming trip, if not a little nervous to be so far away from town.

It was technically her first overnight stay away from Bonesborough since she'd first arrived, and the fact that they were going part-ways back to her old hometown felt like a lot. Of course, she wouldn't be going back, but being in closer proximity made her anxiety spike significantly.

At the very least, she had Sal and Lucia close by, and that brought comfort to her. Neither of them would let anything bad happen to her, she was safe and she needed to calm down.

She took in another breath and let her worries fade away with the scent of lemons. Lucia's bed was so comfortable she wasn't sure she'd be able to leave once she was called out into the living room. 

In her half-awake brain, she imagined Lucia spooning her. One arm thrown over her, tucked under Amelia, pulling her closer to Lucia's chest. Lucia's soft breaths in her ear, one leg tucked between her own, tangled together. Amelia started dozing off, pretending the weight of the blanket was Lucia's arm.

She wasn't sure how long she was asleep for, but she was awoken by the smell of food wafting into the room. There was music playing and someone was singing along to the song badly. Amelia blinked open her eyes, rubbing them as she rolled onto her back. She yawned.

The little warm cocoon she'd created was tempting her back to sleep, but she knew she couldn't just stay in bed all day. She wanted to help Lucia and Sal pack up the car for the trip, they were already doing so much for her, and since she couldn't drive she would have to find other things to do to help.

Sitting up on her elbows, she removed herself from her bundle of blankets, saying a silent goodbye as she shuffled off the bed and padded to the door. Her hair was a mess, she'd need to shower before they left, which maybe meant using more of Lucia's shower stuff.... the thought was very tempting.

As she opened the door, the smell of food grew tenfold. Lucia greeted her enthusiastically from the kitchen.

"She's finally awake!!" she cheered, turning down the music and coming over to greet her.

"What time is it?" Amelia yawned, watching as Lucia's hand hovered over her for a few moments before pulling her into a hug.

Lucia held her for perhaps a few seconds too long. "Just turned noon".

It had been a while since Amelia had slept in so late. She reluctantly pulled away and looked up at Lucia. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

The taller woman shrugged, "We wanted to let you rest before the trip".

"I'm not even gonna drive or anything, I don't need to rest".

"Yeah, but I doubt we're gonna have the best sleep at the motel tonight. And then we still have the drive back to my place, which is gonna take like, half the day tomorrow depending on when we leave".

Lucia started rambling about plans as her mind went a mile a minute, going from one thought to the next. She started pacing, wringing her hands together, and then finding her beanie perched on the arm of the sofa, grabbed that and started squeezing the fabric between her fingers. Amelia watched her, her heart fluttering, one word popping into her head she'd never dare say out loud.

Cute!

She needed to reel herself in, running a hand down her cheek in an attempt to stop the warmth there.

After a while, Sal called her back to the kitchen and Amelia quietly excused herself to go take a shower and help herself to Lucia's shampoo. Her excuse was that the stuff she'd packed yesterday was still in the car, and she didn't wanna shower at the motel because the thought of some stranger showering there before her sorta freaked her out- so right now was the best possible time.

She let the hot water steam up the room as she placed her chosen outfit on the closed toilet seat and undressed. From outside, the music started up once again, some song Lucia had shown her during one of their breaks at the mall, and Amelia smiled as she heard Lucia sing along. In the shower, she used a generous amount of shampoo and shower gel, and took extra care cleaning herself.

It felt so much different than it had when she'd been staying over while sick. She felt the best she had ever felt in a long time, she was smiling, her head clear, no dark thoughts clouding her brain. She felt normal. This was what normal people were supposed to feel like.

Her fingers brushed over the scars on her arms, reminders of her past that she didn't like to dwell on. She'd spent years washing herself as quickly as possible so she didn't have to acknowledge them. Even now, they left a bittersweet taste in her mouth, making her fingers curl around her arm, nails digging into her skin, like if she used a little more force, she could scratch the scars away forever. But of course, that had never been the case. She had to live with her past, it would always be a part of her.

Maybe one day she would learn to be okay with that.

After hopping out and drying herself, she returned to the living room and ate lunch with Sal and Lucia as she let her hair dry.

It was icy outside, the stale air threatened more snow on the way. Lucia complained about the ice on the road slowing down their plans as they began to pack up the car with the last of the things they were bringing home for the holidays. Amelia helped in any way she could, offering to carry down bags so heavy they made her arms shake, but she persisted stubbornly, and soon enough everything was packed and ready to go.

With one more check around the apartment to make sure they hadn't forgotten anything, they loaded themselves into the car and finally headed off.

Salix was driving this first stretch, through town and back out into the countryside. They took the helm at the front of the car and watched smugly as Lucia scampered into the back to sit next to Amelia.

As the car pulled off the curb, they spoke over their shoulder at the two buckling themselves in.

"We're gonna be driving through the countryside for about two or so hours, and then there should be a gas station we can stop at to stock up on food and drink".

"Let me pull up my road trip playlist!" Lucia said, delighted by Salix's groans as she connected her phone to the aux.

"You ready, Amelia?" Sal directed towards her.

Amelia nodded, watching Lucia's fingers swipe across her phone. "Yeah," she breathed out, trying to will away the last of her anxiety.

She was not used to long journeys in cars, the last time she'd been stuck in a vehicle for more than half an hour had been when she'd gotten the bus to Bonesborough and never looked back. She'd been a mess back then, in more ways than she could ever admit- huddled in the back with nothing to her name but her hastily packed bag, trying not to cry or think about the still bleeding wound on her arm that was soaking blood into her shirt.

That shirt had been pretty much ruined. Both from the blood and sleeping rough in it for weeks at a time. She wasn't even sure if she had that shirt anymore.

For some reason that made her sad so she stopped thinking about it. If she thought about it too hard she could feel the phantom feeling of blood sticking her shirt to her arm. She reached over to itch it, as if to check that she wasn't bleeding, wasn't in danger.

When the first few beats of a song started playing from Lucia's playlist and Salix started arguing with her over it, her mind came back to the present.

She was okay. She was safe. She was with people who would never dream of hurting her.

Leaning her head back on the seat, she turned to watch the buildings pass by as they neared the edge of town. Lucia had managed to console Salix by offering to queue more songs of their choice. The arguing settled down and Lucia shuffled back into her seat, placing her hand near Amelia's and gently brushing their fingers together. It took a lot of will for Amelia not to jump at the touch, and in an act of bravery, intertwined their pinkies together. She saw Lucia bouncing her leg happily and pointedly stared out the window, free hand over her mouth in an attempt to hide her grin.

Lucia was truly going to be the death of her at this point. She couldn't even be near her without getting flustered, she wasn't sure how she was going to survive the holidays.

It was like how it had been in the cab on the way to the party, but this time it felt like there was more intention behind it. The first time had felt like an attempt to comfort Amelia, and it had worked for the most part. This time, Amelia couldn't figure out what Lucia was thinking when she gently squeezed her hand.

They stayed like that as they left Bonesborough and snow started to fall, sticking to the road and the windows and the grassy fields that whizzed past them. It was comfortably warm in the car with the heating and everyone's shared body heat, but outside she could see it was beginning to grow windy. Lucia's hand felt like a furnace in her own. She deeply wished that Lucia could wrap herself around her to warm her up fully.

Sitting still for long periods of time was hard, and Amelia began to feel fidgety around an hour or so into the journey. She tried to still her limbs, not wanting to let go of Lucia's hand or be annoying or distracting by moving about. As a child, she'd been scolded a lot for fidgeting when she wasn't supposed to, and it had been ingrained in her mind that it was best to just sit as still and as perfect as possible and let the feeling pass.

It didn't help that she was stuck in a car and would continue to be til they made it to the gas station. She desperately needed to step outside, stretch her legs, and maybe have a smoke since she hadn't had time for one before they'd left. Tapping the nails of her free hand against her thigh and then scratching at the worn fabric of her jeans, trying to dig into the denim and get to the skin underneath was an anxious habit she had thought she'd grown out of after meeting Lucia, but apparently not. She dug her nails into her leg as if to relieve some of the pressure building in her chest, wanting to feel something that wasn't just...anxiety about not being able to move.

The car slowed down. They were at the gas station.

She breathed out a long sigh and unbuckled her seatbelt, reluctantly untangling her hand from Lucia's, and excused herself for a smoke.

Under the overhang of the gas station, it was freezing. Snow pelted her face as she got out, and she turned her back to the wind as she desperately tried to light her cig. She wasn't sure what the others were doing- probably going to get snacks and fill up the car, her mind was set on smoking this damn cig and pacing up and down the length of the building.

She managed to smoke two before she spotted Sal and Lucia putting away their bags in the car and ushering her over. She took one last drag and dropped the filter behind the building, jogging back over to the car.

"You good?" Lucia asked, handing over a coffee which Amelia gladly accepted, thawing her hands on it as she got back into her seat.

"Yeah".

Lucia slid into the seat beside her, resting her little plastic bag of snacks in her lap. She looked down at her hand, resting between their seats, and then back up at Amelia.

"Do you wanna.....?" she mumbled so quietly it barely reached her ears. Her pinkie poked Amelia's hand.

Amelia blushed and nodded. Her heart thumped in her chest as Lucia wrapped her fingers around her own.

It was such a simple action, yet it held so much weight to it. Like something was unspoken between them that didn't need to be said out loud- not yet anyway. Amelia was content to hold Lucia's hand, feeling her nerves melt away as they left the gas station and continued on.

Another two or so hours passed by, the sky growing grey, and then dark grey and then eventually black. The snow had long since stopped falling, at least for the time being, replaced by a steady shower of rain that had them waiting til they were in the next town over to stop again and stretch their legs.

More hot drinks were bought at a local cafe, and they sat in the little heated building for a while until the numbness left their tired limbs and the rain had eased up.

It was just the right amount of cosy to make Amelia feel sleepy. Her eyes felt heavy, she yawned. Salix, sitting opposite her in their little booth noticed, and told her she was allowed to rest if she wanted to.

"N-no it's fine" Amelia tried to insist as Sal notified Lucia about the little travel pillow they'd stored in a bag by her feet in the back. "You don't have to, I can wait til the motel to sleep".

"One little nap won't hurt you, Amelia" Salix shrugged.

"But I woke up late". She still felt bad about that too.

"Doesn't matter, you mentioned you were having trouble sleeping lately so it's probably just catching up to you," Lucia piped up from her place next to Amelia.

Amelia scowled at her. She was right and it annoyed her, she didn't have the energy to argue, though.

Once they left the cafe and piled back into the car, the travel pillow was found and given to Amelia. Sal started the car back up and checked the gps to see how far they had left to drive for the day while Lucia lifted her arm up invitingly. Amelia stared at her.

It didn't take much convincing to shuffle to the side and lean on Lucia, wedging the pillow into the side of her neck. Lucia slung her arm around Amelia's shoulder and rested her cheek on her head.

For once, Amelia was too tired to care if Salix saw the gesture. She was too tired to think about why Lucia had offered the snuggle up close to her while she napped. She closed her eyes and took in a deep, sleepy breath, and then passed out.

***

The gentle sway of the car stopping made Amelia blink open her eyes, blearily trying to remember where she was and why her neck was aching. She made a sleepy noise, barely awake just yet, and her impromptu bed shifted under her, forcing her to raise her head.

"We're almost there," Lucia said softly, her arm still around Amelia, keeping her close. "It's about ten minutes to the motel".

Amelia yawned and stretched. "Already? How long was I out?"

"A few hours" Sal spoke up from the front, glancing back at her with a little smirk. "Did you sleep well?"

She had. It had been another dreamless sleep but she'd managed to pass out quickly which wasn't common for her at all. She felt somewhat more rested than she had before, still a little groggy, still wanting to get out, stretch her legs one last time for a smoke, and then lay down again.

The music had been turned off- probably so as not to wake her, which was such a mindlessly thoughtful gesture it made her insides churn. Lucia, not removing her arm from its perch on Amelia's shoulders, leaned forward to scroll through her phone for something to fill the silence.

"Any requests?" she asked Amelia, who shrugged and watched Lucia scroll through her long list of songs to find something she thought she might like.

Another sweet gesture, but it was different when it was coming from Lucia. Anything Lucia did for her felt different than what Sal did for her- though obviously she appreciated them both just as equally. God...she loved her friends so much she couldn't fully describe it with her words, or actions for that matter. It seemed as if nothing she could do could live up to what she truly felt for the two people sitting in this car with her.

It was a short ride to the motel, some dingy two-story building off the highway, a short drive into the town where Salix's dads would be meeting them the next day. Sal parked the car behind the building and sighed, taking off their glasses to rub at their eyes.

"I'm spent," they said tiredly as they were finally freed from the front seat.

"Let's check in and order some pizza or something," Lucia insisted eagerly. She'd been fantasising about dinner for the entire last part of the car ride.

"Find a good place nearby while I go get our keys" They nodded and walked around the front of the building.

Amelia stayed with Lucia as she took out her phone and tried to see if anywhere would deliver food out to them. She dug around in her pockets, her fingers brushing over her tin tucked away neatly at the bottom.

Lucia glanced at her as she took it out and inspected the pre-rolled blunt, wondering if maybe smoking it would help her get to sleep sooner so she wouldn't make them all run late tomorrow. She considered where they were, who would see her smoke it, and then figured no one actually gave a shit if they smelt weed nearby.

"There's a place in the next town over that delivers" Lucia piped up as she stuck the blunt between her lips and flicked on her lighter.

"What stuff do they have?"

"Well pizza, duh" Lucia grinned as Amelia rolled her eyes and took a drag. It had been a while since she'd smoked a blunt, she hadn't realised how badly she'd needed it until now, though. "And burgers and kebabs and fries".

"I'll just have whatever you're having".

"Sure, we can split a large pizza or something!" there was a pause as Lucia put her phone away, waiting for Sal to come back before ordering the food. "Hey, I never asked you about your tin. I didn't know you liked Good Witch Azura".

"Oh I don't" Amelia blurted, and then felt her limbs freeze. "I mean- I- it was a gift..."

This wasn't a subject she liked to dwell on, especially not right now, but she understood Lucia's curiosity. She was surprised it had taken this long to ask, though she supposed it was just Lucia respecting her privacy.

Lucia's recognition of the tin threw her off, though. Azura was a pretty obscure book series, and Lucia didn't seem like the type to be into children's fantasy. She only had a passing knowledge of the books herself because her sister liked them, and she had put in a great deal of effort to be someone she could talk to about them because everyone else they knew had thought they were baby books. Thinking about the series made her heart hurt so she often didn't. The tin was a reminder of what once was, of what she would never have again.

And it hurt so, so much.

Her hand tightened around the tin. She knew her sister wouldn't approve of what she was using it for. Defacing it, ruining it. Ruining herself.

She took a shaky drag of the blunt and felt like shit as the itching in her throat receded.

"You had a sibling hyperfixated on the series too?" Lucia said fondly, leaning against the wall of the motel.

She wasn't sure if that was the term she'd use, she hadn't really heard it all that much before Lucia came around. But yeah, she supposed her sister had been that.

It took great effort to calm herself down enough to nod. A wistful expression passed over Lucia's face and her eyes dropped to the ground, and then back up to Amelia.

"Did they make you watch the show too?"

"There was a show???" Amelia almost dropped the blunt in her shock. Had she missed something in her research on the series? Had her sister missed out on something because of her?

"It came out like, four years ago. Shitty low-budget animated series that didn't stay true to the books at all".

Her sister would've hated that. It almost made her smile.

"Well, no I haven't, but now I'm a little curious".

And then it dawned on her. Lucia had a sister. Lucia had siblings. She was going to meet those siblings in about a days time.

Fuck. Lucia had mentioned her sister before in passing, but Amelia hadn't really paid any mind to it. It was something that had gone over her head, something so minuscule that it didn't need any anxious overthinking. Lucia had a sister. Yeah, a lot of people did.

But then it felt a lot more serious now that she had to not only meet Lucia's mother, but her sister too. And then they both would see how much of a wreck she was.

"I can show you when we get to my place, but be warned, if Luz hears the intro you're gonna get an earful".

Lucia spoke of her sister fondly. She remembered this now. Whenever she'd talk about her her face would light, her expression would soften ever so slightly, there was a hardness in her eyes that hadn't been there before too, though.

Amelia could see it now too. It hurt.

Her hands were shaking.

She had failed her siblings. She was a bad sister. She was a bad person.

Suddenly everything was starting to fall apart.

A hand brushed against her own and she jolted, letting out a long breath that she hadn't realised she'd been holding. Her head snapped up to look at Lucia, and then back down at her feet.

"I'm sorry for touching you, you weren't responding to your name," Lucia said, her voice low, a breath in the wind. "Can you tell me five things you can see?"

Amelia was beginning to get familiar with this little game. She opened her mouth and her jaw wobbled so she shut it. There was a lump in her throat that she was trying desperately to swallow down.

She put the blunt between her lips and took in a deep breath. Having something to do with her hands helped a little bit, and it distracted her enough to get her shit together. She indulged Lucia in the game until finally, the feeling in her limbs came back.

"S-sorry about that" Amelia mumbled, feeling embarrassed she had done...that in public.

"Nothing to apologise for, are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah. Thanks".

Lucia didn't tell her to put away the blunt, which was good because Amelia desperately needed something to do with her hands and her mouth- anything to distract her from her thoughts. The light headed feeling of the beginnings of her high was starting to hit her and she let herself indulge in it because it was better than being sober and trapped in her own head. 

Eventually, Sal came back looking even more tired than they had when they'd left. They ran a hand through their hair and down their face as they stopped before Lucia and Amelia.

"Can I have a hit?" was the first thing they asked, gesturing to the blunt.

Amelia wordlessly handed it over. They looked like they needed it.

Salix took a big drag and the other's watched curiously as they let it out in a deep sigh.

"There's only one room," they said bluntly.

"What?"

"They said they only have one room".

"We...booked three rooms?"

"They only have one free".

"Did you ask-"

"yes, I asked. I spoke with reception, I spoke with the manager. One room".

"Is there at least more than one bed...?"

"Couples suite".

"Are you fucking kidding me??"

"I wish I was" They took another hit of the blunt. And then added, "Did you find a place to order dinner?"

Notes:

im sorry i couldnt help myself hehehe im a sucker for the Only one bed trope.....

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 40

At least the room was nice, Amelia supposed. It was pretty roomy, large double bed in the middle with a small bar and a kettle, teabags, instant coffee and bottled water. Beside it was a little basket that held packets of sugar and other assorted snacks.

They'd all made quick work of Amelia's blunt and then decided to check out the room and finally order some food. Salix sighed like the weight of the world was on their shoulders and took Lucia's phone to place their order as the other woman sat on the bed and spread out her arms and legs. She sank a little bit into the plush bed.

"At least it's comfy" she said, shuffling upwards to rest against a pillow.

The phone was passed back to her and she placed the order. The cost was then split between them and all money sent off the Lucia to make it fair.

"How long til it arrives?" Sal stretched, grabbing one of their discarded bags and unzipping it.

"About 45 minutes".

"Alright, I'm gonna check out the shower then".

"Good luck soldier," Lucia saluted them.

Salix grabbed a spare change of clothes and then crossed the room to the en suite, shutting and locking the door behind them. A few moments later, Amelia heard the shower running.

Amelia stood near the door, her bag hanging limply off her shoulder. Lucia sat up on her elbows to look over at her, shooting her a little smile that put her nerves at ease at least a little.

"C'mon" she patted the bed invitingly, "come sit down, we've had a tiring day, its time to rest!"

With a huff, Amelia shuffled over the the bed and sat down to unlace her boots. Lucia, seemingly forgetting that she too was still wearing her boots, sat up fully to take them off too.

"I've been sleeping all day", she was still beating herself up over not being able to help, and also falling asleep part-way through the drive to the motel. It made her feel weak.

Lucia looked kinda high and the droopy movement of her limbs as she managed to kick off her boots, as well as draping herself over Amelia as soon as she was able to just proved that point. Not that Lucia wasn't a touchy person when she was sober, that had been proven many times that day, but when she was inebriated it felt so much more...indulgent, perhaps?

Not that Amelia was complaining. She was kinda fucked up too, and allowed herself to lean into Lucia's arms and press her cheek against her shoulder.

"What are we gonna do about the bed situation" Amelia asked, gazing idly around the room, the white noise of the shower in the background as well as the occasional car passing by felt calming. It felt normal.

"Well I mean- we could share it?" Lucia shrugged, taking Amelia with her.

Amelia tried not to react to her words, but she could feel her heartbeat picking up.

"I-I guess. Would you...be okay with that?"

"Of course! I've shared a bed with friends before, it's no big deal".

Friends....

"Oh. Yeah".

Disappointment swelled in her gut. It had just been an offhanded comment, but still it stung. Did what Lucia said at the party mean to be an excuse to get that weird guy away, or had it meant something deeper? That question had been repeating in her brain ever since that night, and now it grew into something much bigger, something that made all the hope in her body fizzle out.

No matter how she felt, Lucia just saw her as a friend, it seemed.

"Is that not something you've done before?" Lucia asked curiously, seeming to pick up on Amelia's tone. "If you're uncomfortable with that idea, we can think of something else, I don't wanna intrude on anything-"

"I used to share a bed with Sal when I'd stay over all the time", Amelia cut her off, feeling a little guilty about doing so, but she wanted to make it clear that that hadn't been the problem.

In fact, as a kid Amelia would often seek out Salix's affection. The rare times she had been allowed to stay overnight, she had insisted that they sleep in their bed cuddled up. Her excuses had been pretty lame- it was too cold to sleep on the floor, there was no room on the floor, that sort of thing. And every time she'd stuttered out a halfhearted excuse, Sal had smiled knowingly at her, and invited her under the blankets.

Sometimes she'd hang out at their house after school and nap together before she had to go back to the manor. Those times had always been her favourite, those had been some of the best sleeps she'd ever had.

So no, sharing a bed with Salix wasn't a big deal at all. In fact, it had been something she had missed deeply.

Sharing a bed with Lucia was something Amelia had only dreamed of doing.

"Well, you two can take the bed and I can go down and ask for more blankets if you-"

Amelia cut her off again, voice raised slightly in her flustered panic. "NO! I mean...no. It's fine, I promise. I like- um... I like being close to you".

She felt selfish saying it, especially since her brain was trying to convince her that Lucia didn't feel the same. She felt selfish seeking something that Lucia would never give her.

Lucia deflated like the buildup of anxious energy in her limbs had finally depleted. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure".

"I just-"

"I know, Lucia. I mean what I said. I like err...cuddling...with you...".

She was feeling pretty brave right now, all things considered. But perhaps it was because she was kinda high.

Lucia perked up at her words, but there was still some hesitation in the way she moved.

"I just don't like the thought of making you uncomfortable" she mumbled, but didn't move out of Amelia's hold, which was reassuring. "I like you so much".

"I like you too" Amelia whispered back like it was some sort of secret shared between them.

Soon enough, they had to untangle themselves from the bed and Lucia took Sal's place to get in a quick shower before the food arrived. Sal emerged from the bathroom in an oversized sweatshirt and long pants, their glasses steamed up a little and their hair damp, falling over their forehead. They smiled tiredly at Amelia and she felt herself smiling back as they sat on the bed next to her.

"Wow, Lucia wasn't kidding, this is comfy" their hands passed over the covers a few times in contemplation. It seemed as if they wanted to say something.

Amelia let the silence drift over them. It wasn't uncomfortable silence, it was the sort they'd sat in many times when they were younger. When Amelia wasn't feeling much up for talking, or when Salix needed time to think, they would often sit and wait for the other to indicate when this little thing between them was over.

It made her feel sick with nostalgia. It had been so long since she'd had time to sit and talk to Salix. Just them.

It took a few minutes for Sal to gather their thoughts, and the deep breath they took in, indicating that they were about to speak, popped the little bubble between them.

"Are you sure you don't wanna say hi to my dads?" they asked quietly, like this had been something on their mind for a while. "They were worried sick when you went missing, they tried to put up posters around town but your parents" they swallowed and looked away, "they took them down and threatened legal action against them. I don't know what the fuck they were thinking was gonna happen, but it scared my dads enough to stop".

"You should've known my parents weren't going to look for me", Amelia said mournfully. It hurt to be reminded that she had left people behind that had still cared for her. She'd left them all in the dark, and for what? One selfish act of fear? It was hard not to beat herself up over it.

"Your parents didn't deserve you. They were horrible monsters who couldn't see how much their own children were hurting".

They were the ones who hurt her. Their actions were the reason Amelia had run away. The only respite in her horrible life she'd had back then were Salix and their dads.

Amelia huffed out a humourless chuckle, "I didn't think your dads liked me very much".

Sal bumped their shoulder against hers, "they adored you, Amelia".

Ouch. That really twisted the knife in her chest.

"I don't think I'm ready to face them", Amelia said, and tried to even out her wobbling voice. "But...if you could tell them that I'm okay? And that maybe one day I'd be ready to see them again, that'd be nice".

"I can do that" Sal confirmed with a nod.

Lucia's phone rang from where she'd tossed it mindlessly on the bed, making Amelia jolt. Sal turned around and answered the call and then grabbed the keys to their room to make the trek back to the front to collect the delivered food.

In those few beats between Salix shutting the door and the sound of their footsteps walking away, fading into the general noise of the evening, Amelia swiped at her eyes and told herself to get her shit together.

Too many big conversations for one day- she was already exhausted as it was, she needed to just change into something cosy, eat some greasy food, and then pass out.

And she did just that. Once Lucia had finished her shower, Amelia had slipped into the still steamy bathroom to change, and then sat around and ate shitty takeout pizza and watched whatever slop was on the TV mounted on the wall by the bed. It was the perfect end to a day spent with the two people she cared about most, and once the food had vanished and the boxes had been thrown out into the recycling, Amelia could feel her eyes getting heavy.

Not that she was going to be the first one to fall asleep, definitely not. She watched as Lucia flipped through a list of movies on the TV, sipping at the flat can of coke that had come with their food.

Movie chosen, snacks lined up between them, Lucia threw the covers over herself and patted the empty spot next to her, inviting the others to join her. She seemed a lot less nervous about it now that they'd all settled in and the sky had grown dark. It had started snowing again at some point but no one had noticed, relishing in the shared warmth they had in the room.

Another conversation broke out about the bed and Sal offered to take the floor since they were gonna be driving back a shorter distance to their hometown with their dads tomorrow anyways, and wouldn't need as much rest. Lucia shot that down immediately, glancing over at Amelia as if to ask her to take her side and convince Sal to join them in the bed.

"C'mere" Amelia crawled up the bed and sat next to Lucia, opening her arms in invitation for Sal to come over, "It's just for one night. Like old times, right?"

A thoughtful sort of expression passed over Salix's face and their lips quirked up into a smile that looked a little sinister. Their muscles tensed up, and they flung themself onto the bed, making Lucia giggle and Amelia huff out a breath as one of their elbows hit her stomach. They crawled the rest of the way over to the spot on the other side of Amelia and reached over to snag her into their arms.

"Just like old times" they snickered as Amelia tried to catch her breath.

"You can go in the middle if you want", Amelia said from their arms.

"Nah, you get cold easier so you can stay in the middle" Sal ruffled her hair and Amelia growled.

"Awww you don't wanna cuddle with me, Amelia?" Lucia asked and Amelia's face lit up bright red.

"Shut up. You know I didn't mean it like that".

Amelia turned around to swipe at her but Salix tightened their grip around her. "Behave" they scolded jokingly, and Lucia stuck her tongue out at them. "Let's just watch the movie and get some sleep".

It wasn't awkward like Amelia thought it might be. It was pretty nice actually, being snuggled up against Lucia and Sal, surrounded by their shared body heat. She tried to hide her yawn as the movie started, determined to stay up and watch the damn thing even if she had to force her eyes open.

Of course, that didn't end up working.

***

You've always felt nervous around Salix's dads. It wasn't because your mother didn't approve of them, you didn't give a shit about what she thought.

It was that they felt like the blueprint to what a normal family was supposed to look like. And it hurt to see something you knew you could never have. Which is why you never really stayed over for dinner, even if it meant skipping dinner at the manor.

It often meant skipping dinner at the manor actually, but it was fine because you had plenty of food hidden in your room for such occasions. You'd made sure your siblings had stuff to eat before you'd agreed to visit Sal, so you knew they'd be fine on their own for a little bit without your parents bothering them.

Which is why you let yourself relax, at least for now.

You're laying in Salix's room while they talk to their dad's downstairs. The late afternoon sun is coming in through their window, bathing the room in a deep orange glow. It's just about to turn summer, which means summer break will be soon, which means....

It means spending more time out of the house to get away from your parents. And getting your siblings out too.

You breathe out deeply through your nose and turn to stare up at the ceiling. You'd run into their dads earlier and the interaction had been awkward to say the least.

It wasn't that you hated them. You just didn't know how to act around them. How were you supposed to act normal when you had never been normal in the first place?

They probably hated you, thought you were just some freak Sal had dragged back home with them one day. They probably thought you hated them for being two men who were married. You didn't. It just made you think. About yourself, mostly. You wished you could have their confidence, both in their sexuality and themselves.

You tried not to think about that too often because it was scary. Instead, you let your tense muscles relax as you heard Salix's soft footfalls coming back up the stairs. They opened the door to their room softly and stepped inside.

"Hey, I got us some snacks" they're holding a plate of what looked like leftovers, which was handed to you as soon as you sat up.

"Thanks" you mumble, trying to shake the thoughts that had been plaguing your mind. As they often did these days, more and more often.

You idly picked at the food on the plate. Sal didn't touch any of it, glancing at you from the corner of their eye to make sure you were eating it as you went through your homework assignments together on the floor, but it was clear you weren't really paying attention.

You yawn and feel your eyes prickle. It's been a while since you've had a good sleep- despite your mother's love for locking you in your room for hours at a time, it was still hard to rest and find sleep. You would often sit in the dark and worry about anything but yourself in those moments; were your siblings okay? Had they had dinner or was your mother going to leave them for the rest of the night and retreat to her study to work instead?

"Wanna take a break?" Sal asked once most of the food on the plate had been cleared.

You blink slowly at them and yawn again. It's enough of an indication that yes, you are exhausted and desperately need a break, though it was something you're far too prideful to ever admit out loud.

They smile at you, and take the plate from your hands to place on their desk.

You take your perch back on their bed but don't lie down. Your exhaustion embarrasses you, you should be able to have enough energy to at least hang out with your best friend. You are weak, your mother reminds you every time she can see you falling behind.

But Sal is so gentle with you. It makes you want to scream. They set their textbooks off to the side, clearing up where you'd both been working, and then turned on their fan. It was pretty stuffy in their room but with the open window letting in a light breeze combined with the pleasant white noise of the fan, you knew what was to come.

You let yourself lie down and feel the fan blow your hair from out of your face as it passes by you and then back to the other side of the room. Beside you, Sal is grabbing a light blanket from the pile near their bed and putting their glasses on the bedside table. The bed dips as they join you, barely enough space to fit the both of you but you don't mind.

Part of you craves their touch, their affection, but the other half of you is repulsed by it. Still, you don't move away when they turn to the side and sling an arm over you. The scent of pine and fresh soil fills your nose, their hair tickles the side of your jaw as they get comfortable at your side.

It's the only sense of normalcy you let yourself feel, when you're lying in a bed that feels more homely than your own ever had. You close your eyes and let yourself feel. You feel Sal's breaths tickling your ear, you feel them shuffle, their cheek pressed against your shoulder.

You would never admit it out loud, but you loved being spooned.

***

Amelia couldn't place when she had fallen asleep, or how long she'd been asleep for. She could feel an arm pinning her down, fingers playing with the hem of her shirt that had ridden up slightly in her sleep. She breathed in a deep breath and stretched out her legs, shaking a little with the effort, and then shuffled closer to the warm body behind her. The body responded in turn by holding her a little tighter than before.

There was a pleasant airy feeling in her head, like this was just some weird nostalgic dream and not real life, but she allowed herself to dwell on it anyways. She felt well rested and in a pretty good mood, and she didn't want to throw that away by waking herself up fully just yet.

She could feel warm breath on her neck, it made her hold back a shiver, the hand was brushing lightly against the exposed skin of her stomach. A familiar citrus scent filled her nose.

It was getting increasingly harder to fall back asleep, as much as she wanted to, but she wasn't complaining. She tried not to squirm under those gentle hands around her, tried not to make a noise, because if she did she was terrified that all of it would go away. That she'd wake up.

She was becoming hyper aware of who was behind her, and it made her heartbeat pick up. There were soft footfalls walking back and forth in the room, indicating that Salix must've woken up earlier. It smelt like they'd brought everyone breakfast, which tempted her from sleep.

Lucia's hands were soft, barely brushing against her skin, as if she were unsure and hesitant. Amelia wished she would use a little more force, but those were words she wouldn't dare speak out loud. Lucia's breath made the skin on her neck tingle- her mouth was so close to the sensitive skin there, all the other woman would need to do was lean over a little more and press her lips against it-

Amelia shuddered and blinked her eyes open.

"Mornin'" Lucia mumbled sleepily from behind her.

"Oh, you guys are finally awake", She could hear Sal zipping up a bag, "I have to meet my dad's in thirty minutes".

"Oh fuck" the warmth was ripped away from her as Lucia got up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she tried to untangle herself from both Amelia and the mountain of blankets they'd been under. "I'm sorry Sal, let me get something to eat and I'll be ready to leave".

"No worries, I got you guys from pastries".

Lucia made a pleased sound and started rustling through the bag of pastries provided by Salix. Amelia rolled over and tried to shake away the phantom feeling of Lucia's touch on her skin.

"You sure you don't wanna come with us?" Sal asked her as they put on their shoes.

"I don't mind waiting here", Amelia said groggily.

It was a short drive to the next town over where Sal would be meeting up with their dads and going back home with them. Lucia was set to drive them down there, and then come back for their bags, and Amelia and check out of the motel to continue their journey.

"I'll tell them you said hi".

Amelia was grateful that neither of her friends were pushing her to come with them. She appreciated Sal's dads more than anything, but she was far from ready to face them again. Plus, she wouldn't mind staying at the motel to pace around and try to sort through her thoughts before it'd just be her and Lucia.

God, Lucia was going to be the death of her, it seemed. She rubbed at her neck, scratching the skin where Lucia's lips had been so close before.

Sitting up and accepting the nearly empty pastry bag, Amelia watched the others get ready, promising to pack their bags while they were out so that checking out of the motel and getting back on the road would be quicker for them. Lucia grinned and thanked her, promising not to take too long as she was ushered out the door by a rather urgent Salix.

And then she was alone.

Putting the pastries aside, she slipped out of bed to change into jeans and a t-shirt and then made the bed, smoothing over the blankets until they were crisp, as if no one had ever slept on them before. After, she paced around the room, gathering up any small pieces of trash that needed to be thrown out as well as stuffing Lucia's bed clothes into her bag. It was only after a few rounds of scanning the room that she allowed herself the pastry, sitting by the window to eat it and watch the sun rise overhead.

It looked like a fresh blanket of snow had fallen while they'd slept, but the car park and roads were kept fairly clear due to the amount of traffic going to and from the surrounding towns. The sky was a dull grey colour, as it had been for many weeks now, but the sun was still out and shining and what little sunlight it provided made Amelia feel at least a little better.

She did one last check of the room before she slipped into the bathroom to brush her teeth and put on her boots. She wanted to smoke, but didn't want to leave the room if Lucia was going to be back soon anyways.

There was a lot to think about now that this little road trip was going to come to an end. By the end of the day, they would be reaching Lucia's house, which meant meeting her family, which meant she needed to be on her best behaviour and not seem like a weird freak Lucia had picked up from the streets.

Lucia had mentioned that her mother had set up the spare room for her, which meant she would be sleeping away from Lucia, which was something she was trying not to get too disappointed about. It made sense that she would be sleeping somewhere else, it wasn't like she was dating Lucia or anything.

Her heart stung as she thought that. She bit the inside of her cheek til it ached, and tried to focus on the feeling of Lucia cuddling her instead. Maybe if she imagined it hard enough it'd become reality. Or maybe she was just delusional.

She sat down heavily on the bed and tried to scrub the red from her cheeks. She hoped that her little....crush on Lucia wasn't obvious because if her mother or sister or god forbid, Lucia found out about it, she was screwed. She couldn't even begin to put her feelings for the woman into words, so how the fuck was she ever supposed to confess to her???

She wasn't. She wouldn't. It felt like too much of a burden on Lucia.

***

When the door handle finally twisted open, Amelia sprung to her feet. Lucia stepped inside and inspected the room.

"Wow, you did a great job tidying up!" she said jovially.

"Thanks", Amelia said, preening a little.

They grabbed their bags, checked out of the motel and piled back into the car, ready to take on the last stretch of their journey.

As Amelia sat in the front passenger seat with a hot coffee from the gas station near their motel in her hand, she stared out onto the highway and began to count down the hours until she finally met Lucia's mother.

To say she was terrified was an understatement.

Notes:

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 41

The shaking in her hands grew tenfold the closer they got. As much as Lucia had reassured Amelia that her mother was ready to welcome her with open arms, there was still some sick sort of doubt in the back of her mind. That when Lucia's mother takes one look at her she'd get kicked out, that she'd be berated. Or maybe even hit.

That was the worst. It had been so long since her mother had laid hands on her but it still haunted her, even years later. It was like her brain would never forget the sharp sting on her cheek whenever her mother had struck her, the angry red mark, the phantom feeling that never truly went away. She thought she'd gotten over it by now, she was an adult now and hadn't been hit since she'd been a teen. Eda and Lilith had always been so gentle with her, it made no sense why her brain was going into survival mode now. The wretched thing never did what she wanted it to do.

It didn't take long for Lucia to notice something was up. She glanced over at Amelia from the corner of her eye, and then back to the road ahead.

"Wanna take a break in the next town over?" she asked. They were driving through more dense countryside but were due to hit civilisation again within the next half hour.

"We don't have to" Amelia replied weakly, feeling bad about delaying them even more, "didn't you say you wanted to make it to your place before nightfall?"

Lucia shrugged like this wasn't an issue. "We should stop for lunch" she decided, and turned back to concentrating on the road before Amelia could argue.

The drive to the next town was done in silence. Amelia was sitting in her seat with her empty coffee cup, pressing the plastic lid town so that it made little clicking noises. Lucia's playlist was on, but the music had been turned down low; a nice background noise to the drive.

Amelia had thought she'd gotten everything under control back at the motel, but the closer they got, the more it was starting to affect her. She could feel her muscles tense and tried to relax them, she found herself biting the inside of her cheek, picking at the skin around her nails. Almost enough to draw blood, a brief respite from everything.

"So," Lucia said before her nail could dig into her hand even further. "When we get back it's gonna be late either way, so we can spend the rest of the day settling in and then have dinner with my mum! I'll help you set up the spare room if you'd like, my mum said she got brand new bedsheets just for you".

"Sure," Amelia said, not really wanting to engage in hypotheticals with Lucia's mother. She turned around to gaze out the window, trying to remind herself that she had decided to do this. That this was a step in the right direction and that she had no reason to be as scared as she was.

She still had time to pull herself together. Once they finally stopped for some food, Amelia scurried out of the car to go find somewhere quiet to smoke as Lucia got their food.

It was a miracle she felt as rested as she did considering everything that was happening, but the sleep she'd had at the motel had been nice. Being cocooned between Sal and Lucia had been a delightful change of pace. Sleeping in the same bed as someone she loved had always been a great comfort for Amelia. Back when she'd still been at the manor, she'd often let her siblings sneak into her room and cuddle for a bit before bed if her mother had been particularly horrid that day. Sometimes they'd fall asleep all bundled up together, but most of the time the fear of Odalia finding them like that won out.

Odalia hadn't liked that Amelia was so gentle with her siblings, but the wretched woman hadn't been around enough to raise them herself, so Amelia had taken to the job almost as soon as the twins had been born.

She still felt that deep connection, even if it had been a very long time since she'd seen them. She still thought about them. Still missed them so much that her heart ached for what could've been.

She wished that she had been there to watch them grow up.

Taking a shaky drag of her cigarette, she wondered if Lucia felt the same about her sister. She remembered the woman briefly mentioning that her mother had been very busy growing up, so it made sense that she too had felt a sense of duty to take care of her sister.

A sharp stab of jealousy shot through her chest and she grit her teeth and took another drag, trying to shake away the feeling. She would never wish what she had gone through on Lucia, and she hoped that hadn't been the case, but she wished that she could be there for her siblings now like Lucia seemed to still be with her sister. She could never hold that against her though.

Once the food had been ordered, Lucia poked her head out the cafe door and called Amelia in. Finishing off her cig, she let out a deep sigh as if to ground herself, and then stepped inside.

The atmosphere of the cafe was fairly calm and cosy, which was nice. It was after lunch so it wasn't as busy and there was faint music playing from speakers by the counter. Lucia sat them down in a corner by one of the heaters to hopefully warm up a bit before they were back on the road. A fresh coffee was set before Amelia and she gladly took it, wrapping her hands around the mug to thaw her cold hands.

Lucia sat back in her chair and looked around fondly. "Y'know," she said, breaking the silence between them like popping a bubble, "I came here when I was first making the trip to Bonesborough. I sat at this exact table with Sal and we talked about what it was gonna be like moving to an unfamiliar place together. What we were gonna do when we got to our apartment, how we were gonna decorate it. It felt scary but also really exciting" She sipped her coffee and started bouncing her leg.

Amelia looked away, her chest feeling tight. She remembered having a similar conversation with Salix when they'd been kids. They'd been so hopeful of their future together and she had immediately ruined all of their plans with one stupid decision. It was often that she thought about who she could've been if she'd stayed a little longer and left with Sal. Probably not as much of a mess as she was now, that's for sure.

"I'm...glad they had you," she said quietly, grateful for everything Lucia had done for both her and her oldest friend.

A few moments of silence fell before them and Amelia was almost convinced Lucia hadn't heard her over the general hum of the cafe, but Lucia's foot tapped her own under the table and her face split into a wide grin as soon as Amelia looked up at her.

"I'm glad I have them too" Lucia looked wistful, "And I'm glad I have you now".

Amelia's heart fluttered and she smothered it before it could grow into anything stronger. "Thank you for inviting me over for the holidays".

Even as scared as she was, Amelia knew that spending more time with Lucia was something she desperately wanted. Maybe if she just....gave her mother a wide berth and focused on Lucia everything would be okay?

"I'm so happy you said yes!" Lucia's other leg started to bounce, "I would've missed you so much otherwise".

Amelia was still too scared to admit it out loud, but she would've missed Lucia too. A lot. Perhaps too much. Shyly, she tapped Lucia's foot with her boot in return.

"Well, you don't have to worry about that now".

Lucia beamed at her and Amelia's treacherous heart started thumping in her chest. She could feel her face go warm and tried to hide it by bringing her coffee mug back up to her face. If Lucia noticed her flustered state, she didn't say anything, and fell back into easy conversation as they finished up their late lunch.

Another smoke was in order before they were back on the road. Her pack was already half gone and she'd need to pick up more soon. Asking Lucia where the closest store was so she could pick up more cigs sounded far too embarrassing so she decided to put it off til she got desperate. She didn't want Lucia to think she was like, completely reliant on her cigs or whatever....

She wasn't. She could quit any time she wanted.

There weren't many stops left on their journey to Lucia's place, and as the time slowly ticked by, it seemed as if the food had done very little to calm Amelia's nerves. She'd done a pretty decent job of swallowing it all down so far, but after they'd stopped at another gas station and Amelia had smoked a few more cigs, Lucia could tell something was still up.

As they buckled themselves back in, Lucia turned to her, face serious.

"Tell me what's wrong," she stated as if it were a fact rather than an observation.

"Nothing's wrong," Amelia insisted, just wanting to get back on the road and ignore her problems.

"I can tell when something's bothering you, y'know".

"It's nothing. Let's keep going".

"Amelia, please" Lucia's tone made Amelia grind her teeth together, "You know you can talk to me about anything".

"I know" she replied, voice quiet.

How was she supposed to admit that she was terrified of Lucia's mother without coming clean about what her own mother had done to her? Bringing up those memories right now on top of everything else was just not an option she wanted to consider unless she wanted to have a breakdown in the middle of nowhere.

"I'm just...nervous about meeting your family" she added. It was partly the truth, as much as she was willing to admit to the woman.

Lucia visibly relaxed next to her. Amelia glared down at her hands and refused to look up at her, knowing that if she did she would be met with a soft, warm, understanding smile that'd make her burst into tears.

"I promise they will welcome you with open arms" Lucia finally started up the car and pulled out onto the road. "I know my mums really excited to meet you".

"You talked about me?"

"Yeah! A bit, not much but enough that she has a general understanding of you. My sister won't be here for another day or so, but she's also excited to meet you".

Well, at least she wouldn't have to meet both at once. That was a relief.

"I told my mum you weren't big on physical contact so she won't like, hug you or anything" Lucia continued, her tone was comforting.

It'd make sense that Lucia's family was as physically affectionate as Lucia was. She had to have gotten it from somewhere. She hadn't actually considered that til now and was endlessly grateful that Lucia had warned her mother, as embarrassing as it was for her to admit. If Lucia's mother had brought her in for a hug as soon as she'd opened the door, Amelia would've frozen up, would've fought her way out, would've cried.

Her own mother had never been affectionate with her. She couldn't even remember a time when she hugged Amelia, and it meant nothing aside from a halfhearted apology for hitting her that Amelia knew didn't mean anything. She still craved that affection, she'd craved it ever since she was a little kid, starved of what a parent was supposed to provide for her.

She had always thought of affection as weakness. It was what she had been taught; that she was weak for wanting something so small and insignificant as a hug, or to hold Salix's hand when they walked home from school together, or cuddle in bed for a nap. She thought she'd gotten a lot better with that sort of mindset, especially lately, but sometimes it still haunted her, like everything else seemed to do.

"Thank you" her voice sounded so quiet in her ears. Growing up she'd been used to either no affection or forced affection from her parents. Often times it was for show, to make it seem as if their family was normal, that she wasn't suffering.

The air felt heavy around them. Amelia wanted to say more but found she couldn't think of what to say. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. She felt reassured that Lucia would stop anything from happening that'd make her freak out when they got to her house, but she also felt embarrassed, exposed. Weak.

Amelia Blight was the weakest person in the world. She couldn't even handle the thought of a single hug from someone she didn't know, someone who had authority. She couldn't even greet someone properly without making such a big deal about it people had to walk on eggshells around her when it was brought up. She felt pathetic.

Even with Lucia beside her, checking in on her, making sure she finished off her snack, drank some water, she still felt distant and out of it and just...gone. Detached from the moment, drifting away on past memories that hurt to recall but her brain just couldn't stop replaying them over and over and over.

At their next pitstop she didn't smoke, but did get out to stretch her legs. The cold air didn't feel like much this time. The frost crunched under her boots and she barely heard it. She stared down at the ground and then back up at the cars passing them by, the slush on the roads, the grey sky, and then finally, Lucia.

Lucia was pacing by the car, tapping away at her phone. She was probably texting her mother. Or Sal. Maybe she should make sure her old friend had gotten home safe too.

Her hands felt numb, she wasn't sure she could do anything right now.

When they got back into the car, the music had been turned down even lower, barely a whisper of what it once was. Amelia blinked and stared at Lucia, but she wasn't really looking. Looking at nothing but the space Lucia occupied.

"Do you wanna put on your headphones and maybe nap?" Lucia offered.

It took a few moments for Amelia to register her words. "I don't want to leave you by yourself".

Lucia shrugged as if it didn't bother her at all. "You won't be! You're right here. If I need you, I'll tap your knee, okay?"

Amelia looked down at her knee as Lucia tapped it. She let out a sigh. Maybe she should close her eyes for a bit, it wasn't like she was making riveting conversation with Lucia in this state. 

Reluctantly, she agreed. Lucia handed her a water bottle and told her to sip on it as much as she could as they made the last leg of their journey. The cold bottle felt weird in Amelia's hands, like she was plunging her hands into hot water after being out in the cold all day. It made them tingle. The same sensation went down her throat as she drank from it.

Putting on her headphones, the general sound of the car and outside muffled to a comforting degree. Her head felt far less full with fewer sounds to process and she slowly felt herself start to relax. She wasn't sure what had gotten into her this time, it had been a long time since she'd just...let herself go away like this. She thought she'd gotten better with the presence of Lucia and Sal in her life. They grounded her in a way she couldn't describe.

Lucia was so kind to her. Whenever she'd been distant with Sal, they'd been the same, though perhaps a little more pushy. Amelia had appreciated it back then though, and she still appreciated it now.

She desperately wanted to say those three words. They were on the tip of her tongue, if only she could just push them out. If only she wasn't such a coward.

Amelia didn't sleep, but she allowed herself to rest. She leaned against the window and gazed out of it, watching the scenery go by. The sky was getting darker as the afternoon stretched on. It would probably be dark by the time they made it to their destination, but Amelia didn't mind. Lucia had promised to show her around town after they took the rest of the day to settle in, and she was eager to see where Lucia had grown up.

She let herself think about that instead of everything else because that was much nicer than the memories her mother had singed into her broken brain. She let herself think about Lucia holding her hand, leading her around, showing her all the best places to get food or hang out.

Lucia was quiet the entire time, not raising her voice to speak, not singing along to the quiet music Amelia couldn't even hear anymore. She just sat there and focused on driving, not complaining about Amelia shutting herself off, not distracting her, trying to make her talk because she was bored. There was a hard line of concentration on her face, as if she were thinking. When she noticed Amelia looking at her, she turned and smiled.

They held eye contact for a few beats, until Lucia had to look back at the road and Amelia kept staring. She saw Lucia's lips stretch up into a small, shy smile and it was only then that she forced herself to look away.

She didn't know what had gotten into her, all the waves of feelings passing over her, all the things she had done and thought and experienced in this day alone. She itched to be out of the car, to lay down in bed with Lucia and rest her tired mind.

When Lucia finally tapped her knee, Amelia jolted out of her little daydream, halfway to dozing off as she thought about things she could never say out loud. She tried to settle her thudding heart as she took off her headphones and hung them around her neck.

"We're about 10 minutes from town," Lucia informed her.

Well, that definitely didn't help her thudding heart. She nodded and sat up a little straighter to take in the view out the front window.

It was dark now, the headlights illuminating the road in front of them. There were no streetlamps in the countryside but she knew that when they hit the edge of town she would be able to see clearer.

She felt excited and scared and nervous all at the same time, itching to move her legs after spending the better part of two days on the road. She was antsy, she wanted to move, her legs hurt from sitting in one position for hours at a time. She wanted a smoke.

A cigarette would have to wait, especially if Lucia's mother wouldn't like it. But the rest of those things were definitely achievable.

"How are you feeling?" came the dreaded question her friends were always asking.

"Nervous" Amelia admitted.

"Like I said, there's no need to be, but I'll be there with you" Lucia glanced at her out of the corner of her eye. "If you get freaked out and wanna leave then I'll just say I'm gonna show you to your room and we can chill out for a bit".

"Isn't that rude though?" If she'd done that to her mother....

Don't think about that!!!!

"I promise she won't take offence or anything".

How can you be so sure???

"Okay," Amelia said instead. "I'm sure I'll be fine, though".

"The offers still there" Lucia shrugged, "if you wanna leave, then put your hand on my shoulder".

She nodded but she was sure she'd be far too ashamed about taking up on that offer. She needed to make a good first impression and running away from the situation was definitely not doing that.

There was still time to hype herself up before they made it to Lucia's house. It was on the other side of town, probably another 10 or 20 minutes depending on traffic. The closer they got, the more cars Amelia saw- people coming back for the holidays themselves, all eager to see their families again. Amelia felt so out of place amongst these people.

As soon as they hit town, Lucia was back to babbling, and Amelia was grateful for the distraction. She carefully put away her headphones back into her backpack as she listened to the other woman's disorganised rambling.

"-and that's where I stole this beanie" Lucia was saying, ruffling the beanie on her head and then pointing to a store. "I used to shoplift from there all the time" she grinned fondly, recalling her petty crimes as if treasured childhood memories, "I got caught once and they called my mum and she was so mad".

Amelia glanced at Lucia with wide eyes. "Did she punish you?"

"Not really. I got grounded, couldn't go out on my own for a month. She made my sister tattle on me if she thought I was up to something" Lucia chuckled. "She told me I was lucky the police hadn't been involved and that if I tried it again, she wouldn't help me".

"....Did you try it again?"

"What, you gonna tell on me?"

Amelia jolted back, shaking her head, "What? No, no I was just-"

"I'm just kidding" Lucia took a hand off the wheel to rest it on Amelia's knee and squeeze it reassuringly, "I did, but not at that specific store. The mall is way easier to steal from anyways".

"There are none of those alarms at the front of the stores" Amelia agreed, thinking back to the old mall in Bonesborough.

"Exactly! The only way to get caught is if someone sees you stealing. Which no one did 'cause I was so sneaky!"

"That isn't exactly a crowning achievement".

"It is to me" Lucia preened. "Being a trashy teenager is part of life. You gotta live a little, steal some random shit, drink some shitty beers, be annoying in malls".

Amelia supposed she could agree with that sentiment. She hated who she had been as a teenager, but didn't everybody?? That was just part of being a teenager.

Though, she supposed most of what she'd gone through hadn't exactly been normal. She had always wished she could've had a normal upbringing, free from the abuse her mother had put her through. She had often thought about the person she could've become if she had been raised differently.

But this was a second chance. A fresh start with new people in her life that loved her for who she was. She was grateful for that, but she would never stop mourning the what-ifs.

"Almost home" Lucia sounded tired, but to be fair she had been driving all day. She looked like she was eager to jump out the car and run the rest of the way to her house, if only to use her legs instead of sitting down any longer. "I can't wait to see my mum again and eat her food and lay down and rest in a bed that's mine".

"I can't wait to get out of this car," Amelia said.

"That too" Lucia agreed, "I can't wait to show you around town tomorrow either! There's this lake that's super pretty around this time of year. The water usually freezes over so you can walk on it but in summer it's a really good place to have a picnic or fish, but we don't have any fishing stuff right now, but if you wanted to do that we could find out how to get everything!!!"

The excitement radiating off Lucia was contagious as she rambled about all the things they could do together now that they were officially back for the holidays and had a week to rest and chill and spend time together.

She was so wrapped up in listening to Lucia's voice that it took her a moment to realise they'd stopped.

"We're here".

It was a small, cosy little house with a wooden porch. The light in the front room was on, the curtains drawn, so different from where she'd grown up that she was almost taken aback.

She took her time getting out the car, pulling her bag out with her and helping Lucia with her suitcase. Once everything that needed to be taken out had been taken out, the car shut off, there was nothing else to do but walk up to the door.

Amelia thought she might throw up. But she swallowed down her nerves and stood a little ways behind Lucia as she knocked on the door.

Almost immediately the door opened. Lucia was pulled into a hug, happy, quiet greetings, doting, brushing hair out of Lucia's eyes. Lucia was saying something that couldn't quite reach Amelia's ears. The taller woman stepped off to the side, leaving Amelia vulnerable and exposed.

Lucia's mother smiled at her, haloed by the hallway light shining behind her.

"Hi! You must be Amelia".

Notes:

now the shenanigans can begin >:3 *rubs my hands together evilly*

ALSO. i have a new fic out!!! you should check it out if you wanna see more amelia suffering :3

hope u liked this chapter, I have so much in store for the next couple updates I'm so excited yayyyyyy

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]

Chapter 42

To say Amelia's entire body tensed up was an understatement. She could barely move, frozen in place like a statue, trying to remember how to act like a normal person and make a good first impression.

Lucia seemed to notice and jumped in before Amelia could flounder even more.

"Yup! Sorry, we're a bit tired from the trip over here", the taller woman spoke easily, brushing her shoulder against Amelia's and jolting her back into the present.

"Of course, come in and get yourselves settled!" and just like that, the space in the doorway was freed, allowing the pair to walk into the small, cosy house.

Amelia followed behind Lucia, trying to remember how to breathe. She walked past Camila and felt her heartbeat pick up as the woman shut the door behind them.

Trapped.

No, she wasn't trapped. She had Lucia. Everything was going to be okay.

"I'm gonna show Amelia to her room if that's okay".

With the confirmation and the promise of dinner coming soon, Lucia gently took Amelia's hand and guided her further into the house.

The smell of food wafted into Amelia's nose, making her mouth water. She hadn't had a warm home-cooked meal in days, but didn't want to come off as too eager to eat. She needed to be polite and remember her manners around Camila, otherwise things could get messy. The front door led straight into a cosy-looking living room, and then further inside was the kitchen where Camila had retreated to, probably to finish off cooking. Off to the side were the stairs, leading to the second floor of the house.

This is where Lucia took her, squeezing her hand and giving her an encouraging smile as they slowly walked up the stairs. Lucia still had her suitcase in her other hand, lifting it up as they ascended. Amelia imagined the muscles in Lucia's arm flexing every time she lifted it up a step and felt a little better about the entire situation.

On the second floor, there was a short hallway that led to several doors. Lucia nodded towards the door closest to the stairwell.

"That's the bathroom! I'll show you how to work the shower later, it can be kinda fiddly sometimes," then continued on, and passed by a door covered in stickers. The name 'Luz' was spelt out in colourful letters with a crude doodle of Azura next to it. "That's Luz's room, and then this one's mine". The door next to it. Plain, a bit scuffed, as if someone had peeled off any stickers that had once been there.

Amelia lingered on the door, curiosity pulling her towards it.

"C'mon, I'll show you it later" Lucia seemed to have noticed her stalling, giving her hand another gentle tug. "This is your room".

At the end of the hallway, a half-open door revealed a bed pushed off to the side and a small desk. The bedsheets seemed to be freshly cleaned and changed, a blanket had been folded up on the end, and the pillows were stacked into a comfortable-looking pile. On the desk was a folded sweater and a card still in its envelope. 

Lucia bumbled in after parking her suitcase outside her own room. She put both her hands on Amelia's shoulders and helped her take off her bag.

"Wow", she said, her voice light, "I don't think I've ever seen this room look so tidy".

"You didn't have to do all this for me", Amelia mumbled, the first thing she'd said since they'd arrived.

"Don't be silly", Lucia took Amelia's bag from her and placed it gently down beside the desk, "we want you to be as comfortable here as possible".

It was hard to feel the comfort she so desperately wanted when she could hear Camila bustling around in the kitchen through the open bedroom door. It felt like everything was too good to be true, in a way. Like it was the calm before the storm, and soon enough, Camila would start screaming at her and end up kicking her out to the streets before they'd even sat down for dinner.

She had a bad track record with adults, but especially any sort of mother figure. It had taken her so long to trust the adults in her life, and throwing Camila into the mix was starting to freak her out.

But she didn't say this to Lucia. She didn't want to seem ungrateful.

"I'm gonna let you change into something comfy! And then come meet me in my room," Lucia spoke, breaking up Amelia's thoughts and making her blink rapidly. "You can just toss the stuff you're wearing into the basket in my room, and it'll be clean by tomorrow".

Amelia nodded and tried not to show how much she didn't want Lucia to leave her. She shut her mouth and forced herself to turn around as Lucia shut the door behind her. She could hear her quiet steps down the hallway and the gentle click of the door to her own room opening and closing.

She moved quickly over to her bag, where she unzipped it and pulled out whatever shirt and jogger combo was at the top. She changed quickly because she didn't want to be alone for longer than she had to. Not when her mind was still reeling from the possibilities of the evening, and she craved the comfort of someone who she knew was safe. She almost tripped over her jeans as she unbuckled her belt and slipped them off her legs, kicking them off to the side to replace them with the joggers.

Once she was done, she gathered up her clothes and quietly opened the door, padding down the hall and knocking on Lucia's door.

"Come in!"

Amelia hesitated, feeling like she was walking into a place she was not allowed to go. A piece of Lucia was inside that she had never dreamed of seeing, and it made her...nervous? Excited. Like she was seeing this part of Lucia that she so rarely shared with others.

She opened the door.

It was a similar size to the other rooms, though a little bigger than the spare room, with walls painted a deep navy colour, the paint slightly scratched off with age and where it was obvious posters had been put up and taken down. There were still a few posters on the walls, some of bands Amelia recognised from Lucia yapping about them on their trip here, or fandoms and shows and movies Amelia knew nothing about.

Lucia was sitting on her bed wearing a pair of shorts and a baggy shirt with a design faded with age. She grinned as Amelia stepped inside and shut the door behind her.

"You look nice", Lucia said, almost timidly.

Amelia felt her face grow warm, and she looked away. "You've seen me wear this a million times", she mumbled.

"I-uh. Yeah, I know, I just-" It was so strange seeing Lucia, who usually oozed confidence, stuttering over her own words, especially around Amelia. She wasn't sure she'd ever get over it, how Lucia's mouth snapped shut as she desperately rubbed at her red cheeks.

It was just enough to put her at ease, at least for a little while. Amelia felt the corners of her mouth quirk upwards as she shuffled over to hover near Lucia.

"You look nice too," she said quietly, just enough for it to reach the taller woman's ears. She spun around before she could see what expression Lucia shot her, and quickly found the laundry basket to dump her dirty clothes in.

Her heart was thumping, both because of the moment shared between them and the reminder of what was waiting for her downstairs. It would be sooner rather than later that they'd have to go down to have dinner, and Amelia was dreading it despite how delicious the food smelled. She had no idea how she was supposed to act around Camila without making a fool of herself, and she knew she couldn't just glue herself to Lucia's side forever, as much as she wanted to.

But in this moment, in the respite of Lucia's room, Amelia tried not to think about that. She turned back around slowly, noticing Lucia trying to scrub the colour from her cheeks. They made eye contact and Lucia smiled, patting the spot on the bed next to her invitingly.

The bed dipped under her weight, the blankets lying on top were soft. Amelia ran her hand over them, pinching the fabric between her fingers and relishing in the warmth of Lucia's body being so close to her own.

"How are you feeling?" Lucia asked softly, gently placing her hand on Amelia's own, stopping her mindless fidgeting.

Amelia stared down at the way Lucia's hand so easily enveloped her own, trying to sort through her thoughts. She didn't want to admit how terrified she was, even if Lucia had such an inviting expression on her face right now. The understanding in her eyes, the gentleness in her tone, it made Amelia want to melt into Lucia and spill everything.

She swallowed down the feeling and shrugged instead.

"Tired mostly," she replied.

"I get that" Lucia squeezed her hand, "it's been a loooongggg few days, huh? But you can rest after dinner and I'll tell my mum to back off if she asks something too personal" her lips tilted upwards, "sorry in advance by the way- she just loves when I bring friends over".

"Is she usually......" Amelia trailed off, unsure of how to finish that sentence.

"She can be a lot sometimes", another squeeze, "but I can tell she already loves you, there's nothing to worry about, okay?"

That didn't really help, because Lucia's mother had probably never met someone like Amelia before. There was still plenty of time for the woman to hate her, once she really got to know how fucked up she truly was.

In the small pocket of time between settling in and dinner time, Lucia let Amelia explore her childhood room. They chattered about Lucia's fond childhood memories, what sort of things they'd be getting up to tomorrow, and overall Christmas plans. It seemed as if Lucia's spark was back bigger than ever, happy that she was finally home and able to spend time with her family.

And Amelia, she supposed. Lucia would be spending time with her, too, though she figured once her sister came back home, there'd be a lot less time for that.

She felt selfish for wanting Lucia's attention when she had already made it so clear how important her family was to her.

Soon enough, they were called down for dinner, and the familiar feeling of panic, the need to flee, rose up in Amelia's chest.

Dinner with her own family had mostly consisted of arguments that would turn into screaming matches, followed by tense silence as she was forced to stay at the table until the plates had been cleared before being sent to her room. Sometimes her mother would follow her back to her room to make sure she wasn't sneaking off, sometimes she'd hit her once the eyes of her siblings were off them, and then leave her alone, aching, stinging, alone.

Fuck. Fuck. Now was not the time to be recalling those memories. She tried to stop her jaw from wobbling and steel herself for the meal to come, following Lucia silently down the stairs and around into the kitchen.

The table was already set, Camila plating the food as the pair walked in.

She looked at them over her shoulder as she tossed some dishes into the sink to clean later. "Take a seat!"

Amelia waited til Lucia sat down and then took the chair beside her, back straight. Alert. She pulled it back to the table as quietly as she could, because her own mother had often scolded her for being too loud, and rearranged her cutlery the way she'd been taught to so she wouldn't look like some sort of slob.

A plate was put down in front of her, making her jump and blink rapidly. Camila smiled warmly at her and took the last seat on Lucia's other side. She waited for the older woman to start eating before she even dared pick up her knife and fork.

"So, Amelia", Camila asked once she'd swallowed her mouthful of food. "You're not going to see your family for the holidays?"

This was possibly the worst question she could ever be asked, but Amelia knew she needed to be polite. She cleared her throat, trying her hardest to steady her voice before speaking.

"N-no ma'am. Not this year. They're uh. Too busy. With work. Stuff".

Wow, smooth. Real smooth.

She's gonna kick me out for sure.

"Just Camila is fine, dear".

Lucia was trying to bite back a smile, she could see it from the corner of her eye. Amelia's face turned warm from embarrassment and she nodded quickly and then stuffed a forkful of food into her mouth. It tasted good, sure, but it wasn't even worth it with how her body seemed to be short-circuiting, struggling to swallow it down as she felt eyes linger on her for far too long.

The conversation was quickly drawn away from her, but the remnants of it still lingered on, settling in the bottom of her stomach like a rock and making her feel a bit ill. She sat there in silence and picked at her food, still feeling hungry but not really wanting to eat now that her mood had been dampened.

Until eventually, it swung back around to her. Camila asked off-handedly how she'd met Eda, and Amelia managed to stutter out a half explaination of how she'd ran into her sister at the mall and ended up working for her- minus the more... incriminating parts that the woman didn't need to know about. Well, Amelia didn't really want her to know about any of her past, but she supposed this was okay to talk about since she already knew about Eda.

Lucia lightened the conversation with ease, yapping about a story involving Eda, and the focus was once again off her. Amelia shovelled the last few mouthfuls of food into her mouth and then sat back in her chair, chewing idly. 

Watching Lucia interact with her mother was...interesting. She didn't seem to hold any fear towards her, no sign of a tense posture, just loose body language and the usual animated way Lucia seemed to talk to anyone she was close with.

Amelia didn't know how to feel about it. Was it a front? Was it just because Lucia was back visiting after being away for so long?

Maybe they were being more cordial with each other because she was here. That was what her mother usually did when they had guests. Pretended like they were a happy, perfect little family.

Amelia let out a full-body shudder as she placed her cutlery politely back on her empty plate, relieved that she'd managed to finish her food despite everything. She didn't want to seem like she wasn't grateful for the food or anything; she appreciated Camila making the effort to cook for her.

With dinner coming to an end, Amelia was itching to get up, maybe help wash up the dishes to get in Camila's good graces and then go lie down for the rest of the day. She desperately needed a cig, maybe even a blunt after the day she'd had, but she knew she couldn't sneak out of the house to smoke without getting questioned. Especially since it was getting kinda late.

As the table was being cleared, Amelia helped stack everything up to bring it to the sink. She hovered by Camila until the older woman turned to smile at her. Amelia jolted at the attention and looked down at her feet as she spoke.

"Would you like some help cleaning everything up?" she asked, hating how small her voice sounded in her ears, "as thanks for the meal".

"Oh no, no, not at all. Go and get some sleep, I can do all this myself".

Amelia felt bad for not helping. She felt like a freeloader. But before she could say anything else, maybe insist on at least doing something, Lucia was at her side.

"Let's go freshen up before bed". A hand on her shoulder, gently pulling her out of the kitchen. Amelia had no choice but to follow, hearing Camila chuckle to herself as she was guided back up the stairs towards her room.

"Do you wanna shower tonight?" Lucia asked.

Amelia blinked slowly. "N-no. I'll shower tomorrow before we go out".

"Sounds good! I'll show you how to use everything tomorrow then" before they got to Amelia's door, Lucia pulled her into her own room instead. She was grateful for it in a way- she wasn't sure what she'd do if she were alone with her thoughts right now.

Lucia sat back on her bed and sighed wistfully against her pillow, closing her eyes for a few long seconds as Amelia continued to stand, hovering by the bed. The taller woman poked an eye open to watch her before smiling.

"You good?"

"I think so".

"Was dinner okay?"

"Yeah".

"My mum wasn't too much, was she?"

Amelia shook her head, not wanting to make Lucia think she hated her mother or anything. "No, she's...nice".

"We just want you to feel at home here!" Lucia perked up, grinning. "If we say anything that makes you uncomfortable, let us know, okay?"

"You won't. You never have".

The rest of the evening was spent in a drowsy haze. Lucia invited her under the blankets to watch a movie together before bed, and Amelia, still feeling the tenseness of dinner in her limbs, agreed without much hesitation. Lucia was so, so warm. Warm and comfy and...she felt like home. She felt like the only place, the only person who she could relax against. Sure, Salix had been that person for her for a long time, but with Lucia, something felt lighter, in a way. Salix was a steady rock, but Lucia made her feel light and airy, like a gentle spring breeze.

As the clock struck midnight, Lucia gently coaxed her out of the covers, insisting she get to sleep so they could wake up at a reasonable time to explore the town. Amelia agreed, but she was reluctant to leave Lucia's warm embrace.

Her own bed was soft and warm too. But it wasn't the same. She slid under the covers, resting her cheek against the cold pillow, and stared through the dark at her closed door. Lucia was so close by and yet...here she was. Separated. So close yet so far, just out of reach.

She turned away from the door and tried to push down those feelings. She was being way too needy, and she needed to get a hold of herself before she did something she'd regret.

Closing her eyes, she let herself relax, letting sleep finally take her.

***

Amelia woke up to a soft knock on her door. She'd been dozing in and out of sleep for the majority of the morning as people walked around downstairs going about their day, but no one had called her down, so she'd figured she'd rest for as long as possible. She mumbled something incoherent even to her, and the door swung open, revealing Lucia fully dressed, holding a plate of food.

"I figured you were still sleeping", she said lightly, a grin on her face.

"Mmmmh", Amelia replied.

"I made you some breakfast!" Amelia rubbed at her eyes and sat up as Lucia set a plate of eggs on her lap. "Eat these, then I'll help you with the shower".

Lucia's words left her little room to object, so she did as she was told and ate the eggs. They were good, perfectly seasoned, and she supposed she needed to get her energy up before she had to walk around all day.

After her impromptu meal, she got up, stretched, and then gathered up some fresh clothes and followed Lucia into the bathroom. The shower seemed to have been recently used, still slightly damp, and Lucia leaned inside to show her what buttons to press to turn it on.

"I made sure no one was cooking or anything downstairs" Lucia was saying, "becuase sometimes that messes up the temperature" she handed Amelia a fresh towel, "I can't even tell you how many times I've showered before school only to get jumpscared by freezing cold water because my mum was washing something up".

Amelia deeply appreciated Lucia's light-hearted anecdotes. She couldn't help but snicker at Lucia's full-body shudder at the memory.

Lucia left a little after, saying she was going to get her things ready so they could leave soon, and Amelia set about doing her morning routine. It felt so odd doing it in someone else's house, so far away from the normalcy she had grown so used to. She let the water heat up as she brushed her teeth, and then stripped from her night clothes and stepped under the stream. The water was hot, almost uncomfortably so, but it was what Amelia needed to fully wake herself up. She scrubbed at her skin until it was bright red, running her nails through her hair, working out the tangles.

Once dried and clothed, she tied her damp hair back out of her face and stepped out the door.

"All freshened up?" Lucia's eyes scanned her with perhaps a little more intensity than usual, and Amelia felt herself flushing under her gaze. She nodded silently, words stuck in her throat.

Camila had gone to work by the time they both made their way downstairs. Lucia grabbed her keys and wallet, and soon enough, they were out the door.

It had snowed a little more overnight, a fresh layer that crunched under their boots as they walked down the driveway. Lucia had taken the lead, confident and eager to show her around all her favourite places. The plan was to walk around a little bit, get a little sightseeing in, before heading down to one of Lucia's favourite little hole-in-the-wall cafes to get a late lunch. After that was apparently some sort of surprise, which made Amelia feel equal parts excited and nervous for what was to come.

"This way!" Lucia led her down the path into town proper, where everything seemed a little busier. There were people walking around, getting in some late Christmas shopping, or just stopping by for food or to see friends. The small town centre was bustling with people from all walks of life, so unlike Bonesborough it threw Amelia off. It had been so, so long since she'd seen this many people her own age. It was almost too overwhelming.

She made Lucia stop for a cigarette as they made it to a quieter part, because her nerves were starting to get the best of her. Placing a cig in her mouth, she felt around for her lighter as Lucia leant against the side of the building they were standing next to and gazed out at the people passing by.

The first pull made Amelia close her eyes in relief.

Lucia glanced over at her.

"Can I have a hit?"

"I thought you didn't like smoking?"

"Well....you make it look good" Lucia's dark eyes flickered down to her lips, where a small plume of smoke escaped as she spoke.

Amelia almost dropped the cig as she passed it over. Lucia smirked at her, the way her eyes were flashing at her made Amelia feel weak in the legs. The way her lips closed around the cigarette, taking a pull.

Lucia started coughing and spluttering, smoke billowing up the side of the building. A deep feeling of endearment hit Amelia like a truck, and she couldn't help but grin, fighting back a laugh as she was passed the cig back.

You're so cute, she almost said.

"You're so stupid", she said instead.

"Hey! You make it look so easy. I always forget how bad it tastes".

"It's definitely an acquired taste".

They shared the cig anyways. Amelia tried to ignore the way her eyes darted to Lucia's lips every time she took a drag. She tried not to think about how it had touched those lips as she brought it to her own.

An indirect kiss.

No. That's dumb. Two friends can share a cigarette without any other intentions. She'd used to do it with Sal all the time.

As their journey continued, Lucia bumped their hands together.

"They....feel cold" was the excuse given when Amelia made eye contact.

"T-they are", she stuttered, partly a lie but also kind of the truth. It was pretty cold outside, and Amelia didn't have any gloves or anything to cover her hands.

"Want me to help?"

There was that hesitation. That weird look in Lucia's eyes, like she was scared she was overstepping a boundary.

Amelia interlocked their hands. "Yeah. Thanks".

Lucia swung their arms as they continued down the street, bumping shoulders as they walked, each coming with its own unique electric shock that left a warm buzzing feeling going up and down her arm. It felt good. It felt normal. It was everything Amelia had ever wanted.

Soon, the buildings gave way to frost-covered grass. Lucia hopped a gate and then helped her over, her large hands sitting comfortably on Amelia's waist, making her heart thud almost painfully in her chest. Feeling her nails dig in to get a better grip...it did unspeakable things to her.

They were in a park. Due to the weather, it was pretty barren save for some dogs running around in the light snow, rolling around and digging it up. Amelia smiled warmly as a dog ran up to Lucia, tongue lolling out its mouth, tail wagging happily. Lucia started cooing at it, scritching behind its ears and patting the snow off its back. Amelia even got a few pets in, but she'd never really been around animals to know if she was doing a good job or if the dog even liked it. Her mother had never been much of an animal lover, and she'd never been allowed a pet as a kid, as much as her siblings had begged for one.

Lucia grabbed a clump of snow, formed it into a little ball and threw it back out into the clearing. The dog happily bounded after it, and its owner smiled and waved at them as they left to wander further into the park.

"It looks wayyyy prettier in spring", Lucia said as she took her hand back into Amelia's. "I definitely wanna take you here once it gets warmer. It's a nice place to chill when there's not a bunch of kids running around".

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! Plus, it's a great spot for picnics. I used to take Luz here when we were kids, and my mum was busy with work. I'd sit under that tree," she pointed with their hands still linked over to a snow-laden tree sitting in the clearing, "and help Luz with her homework. Or climb it. Though Luz got stuck more often than not".

"That's sweet".

"Eh. I was just trying to help her out. She had some trouble focusing on work in school, and her grades were slipping. I didn't want her to end up like me".

"Why not? I like you," Amelia tripped over her words, "I um. Like how you. Ended up?"

Lucia laughed and squeezed her hand.

"I like how you ended up, too".

They stopped for another cig before circling back to the cafe for some late lunch, stopping by a few stores to look around on the way back. Lucia insisted that she pay for everything, but Amelia was just as stubborn as her and they had a short but good-natured argument about it.

An argument that Lucia ended up winning because she accidentally called their outing a date, and it made Amelia's brain turn to mush, leaving her incapable of saying anything even remotely witty back.

As they entered the cafe, that was the only thing Amelia could think about.

A date. This is a date.

A....friendship date? Friends can go on dates, right????

That must've been what Lucia meant.

They took a seat by the heaters to warm up, and Lucia went up to the counter to order food, leaving Amelia to look around curiously. It was a tiny cafe wedged between two much larger buildings, kind of out of the way of the town centre. There were a few people inside already, but it was far from an overwhelming amount, and the combined smell of freshly baked food and soft acoustic guitar filtering through the speakers made Amelia feel a little sleepy. She understood why Lucia would like this place, it seemed like the perfect place to go to study.

Amelia was starting to perhaps doubt any platonic feelings shared between the two as Lucia set their food down, followed by two coffees and immediately smiled and took one of Amelia's hands. Lucia had been doing that a lot lately. She'd been touchier, which Amelia was certainly not complaining about.

It made her think that maybe she was being too self-deprecating.

Maybe Lucia did like her back??? She had said this was a date. Maybe she had meant it?

It was hard to come to terms with that so easily, though. She'd have to do more research....

When they'd finished off their food, they stayed to bask in the warmth for as long as possible. Lucia let Amelia take a sip of her coffee, and it felt like even more indirect kisses, like they were little hints into Lucia's true feelings.

Amelia let herself think this, at least for now. It felt good to be wanted. It felt good to be loved. She knew once they got back to Lucia's house, she'd start acting up again, especially if she was caught off guard by her mother again.

The sun was beginning to set by the time they left. It was getting darker increasingly earlier now that it was so deep into winter, but Lucia was still eager to show her around a little more with the little sunlight they still had left.

They started walking back towards the house, but made a detour a little ways down the road from it. There was a wooded area around the back of Lucia's house where the town cut into the countryside around it. It was cold and dark in the woods, but Amelia felt a sense of calmness wash over her all the same. She could see half-buried footprints of animals and people passing through, it seemed as if this were a popular place for people in Lucia's neighbourhood to walk around.

"This is my favourite place in the entire world", Lucia said to her, voice quiet, a low mumble as if speaking louder would disturb the wildlife around them. "I used to come here a lot to think. It's deep enough that no one who doesn't live around here wants to explore too far, and just deep enough for someone who knows where to look can find somewhere quiet to themselves".

Amelia had wished for a place like this as a child. She hadn't been allowed to explore much of her hometown by herself. Kept under constant supervision, not allowed to do anything that could be seen as out of line lest she be punished for it.

She wondered if this was where Lucia went when her mother punished her....

"Then why are you showing me?" Amelia couldn't help but ask. "What if I annoy you so much you need to be away from me? Wouldn't you want to keep your special place a secret?"

Lucia stopped walking to turn around to face Amelia. They were so close now, she could see Lucia's breath billowing out past her lips into the cold air. Her eyes looked black in the darkness of the woods.

"Amelia, you could never annoy me. You never have. I want to share this with you, I have ever since I thought about you coming back here. And...maybe before that too. I want you to have this little piece of me, this little piece of comfort in case you need it" Her gaze was intense, her eyes flashed. And then she turned around, took Amelia's hand, and continued walking like nothing had happened. "I know coming to a brand new town and meeting my family is probably super overwhelming, so if you ever need a break...I want you to feel confident enough to come here yourself".

She almost tripped over her own feet. Fuck. Lucia was so caring and considerate, she could just...she could just kiss her or something.

"Thank you", she said instead. "That means...more than I could ever put into words". She almost felt like crying.

"You haven't even seen the best part yet".

And she hadn't. She really hadn't.

The trees eventually evened out into a small clearing covered in thick snow-covered grass and a little mud that had been trampled in from the surrounding woods. It was much brighter here, what was left of the early evening sun peeking out through the canopy of trees.

And in the middle of it, a lake.

Imagining it now, she knew this place would look gorgeous in the summertime. A perfect little respite from the world, hidden away for her eyes only. Lucia guided her to the edge of the lake and stood there, gazing out across it, a wistful look on her face.

The lake itself was frozen over, and the grass and mud surrounding it were slippery. Lucia tested the ice with her boot, and when she saw it wasn't budging under her weight, she stepped onto it.

"C'mon", Lucia smiled when she noticed Amelia's hesitation. "I've done this a million times. If you're worried about slipping, just hold my hand, okay?"

And who was Amelia to deny such a request? She took both of Lucia's hands and stepped onto the ice. Her boots slipped a little but managed to grip onto the ice well enough to start walking.

They made their way slowly to the middle, Lucia walking backwards, keeping her eyes on Amelia for any sign of distress or regret. Amelia looked up at the taller woman and felt any traces of fear instantly melt away. She knew she'd be safe. She trusted Lucia with her life.

Her boot slipped out from under her as they reached the middle, and Amelia let out a little yelp as she desperately tried to steady herself. Lucia was on her at once, hands all over her, pressing her into her chest to make sure she didn't completely fall.

"Are you okay???" she asked. Amelia could feel Lucia's heart thudding, pressed so firmly to her chest.

And she was giggling. She felt giddy, like the weight of the world suddenly meant nothing to her because she was in the arms of the woman she cared for the most. She wished she could live in this moment forever, just standing there pressed against Lucia for eternity, listening to her breathe in and out, so full of life.

Lucia started giggling too, and soon enough they were full-body laughing at each other as they clung to the other, sliding around the ice goofily and falling over each other without a care in the world.

It was perfect. It was everything Amelia had ever dreamed of.

But it could be better.

They stopped to catch their breath. So close once again. Lucia's eyes flicked down to her lips, her warm hand cupped Amelia's cheek so gently she could barely feel it.

"You're so beautiful", she murmured. Those words Amelia had only dreamed of hearing said out loud just for her.

She felt herself moving impossibly closer to Lucia, her weight shifting the ice under her. They were even closer now. Amelia could smell the coffee on Lucia's breath. She licked her lips and saw the way Lucia's eyes darkened. Her thumb swiped across Amelia's cheek, over the faint freckles on her face, the little blemishes she had been told were ugly her entire life.

But Lucia thought she was pretty anyways, and that was all that mattered in that moment. Nothing else.

"I like you so much, Amelia".

Amelia barely found the words to reply, "I like you too".

She wanted to say something else, but she was still far too scared.

Still, her words made Lucia blush, she revelled in the way the taller woman squirmed nervously.

I made her do that!!!

Amelia placed her hands on Lucia's hips and felt her body shudder.

It was perfect. She was perfect.

"Amelia...." so close. So close. Just a little more. "Can I kiss y-"

No.

The ice fell out from under Amelia, and she was plunged into water so cold she felt her body immediately go into shock. Her head slammed into the broken ice, her vision went fuzzy as her mouth opened into a silent scream, allowing more water to flood into her mouth. She tried to cough, to take in a little respite of air, of...something, but nothing came. The little beacon of light faded into nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Notes:

if ur mad at me, just know my gf gave me this idea <3 I think we should go egg their house or smth

ALSO we have freaking fanart???? CHECK IT OUT HEREEEEEE and go give the artist some love <333 I didn't actually think this fic would get as much love as it has....woaw

tysm to u all for ur patience!!!! my writing motivation has been so off and on lately its driving me mad. its making me evil

[Thanks for reading!! kudos/comments are v much appreciated and will help motivate me to write more ;3c]