Work Text:
Shimmer
/ˈSHimər/ (intransitive) verb
to shine with a soft tremulous or fitful light OR to reflect a wavering sometimes distorted visual image
“And there you go sweetface” Ian dusted off Ruby’s pillow trying to flash her the most supportive smile he could muster. In all honesty, he felt terrible for his poor girl.
He had been trying his hardest all afternoon to try to get her to at least crack a smile. Beside the embarrassed blush and flustered grin she sported when Ian pulled out a picture of her and the boy she liked from behind the dress earlier- If he could count that as a smile. Ruby was stone-faced. He didn’t blame her.
Ruby had recently torn her ACL in a pretty traumatic way. She had been suffering from leg pain prior to the incident for about a month. But her being Ruby, she brushed it off as much as she could, told no one that, hid that she grimaced any time she took a step. She took baths, rubbed herself with Bengay and Epson salt, literally everything she could in an attempt to try and heal herself. None of it worked so she just pushed her attention elsewhere, not to put emphasis on her pain.
She couldn’t think of the pain. It was finally competition season again. She had started track and field the year prior and absolutely adored it. She had been looking forward to running again more than anything. Especially since her coach was confident that she was gonna set records for both sprinting and long-distance. Ruby was ecstatic and took the words of praise as a challenge. She had always been confident, maybe a little too much so, but still, she was ready to win. Trained her ass off to assure as much.
Her effort seemed to be paying off. Just before her first race of the season, she was buzzing. Her legs were shaking a little, she figured it was from the pure adrenaline running through her veins and not the fact that her legs felt tight. She took a deep breath in, putting all that pent-up energy into her stretching.
She was doing a lunge on the side of the track, as she stood up she wiped the bit of gravel stuck to her hands on her shorts, looking over at the bleachers. Her family insisted on attending every race.
The Gallaghers had always been that way. Always in the first row, always embarrassingly chanting. Ruby and Fred always rolled their eyes with affection at their families. As embarrassing and often intense they were, it did feel good looking up and seeing them all there.
As Ruby looked through the bleacher she spotted them, scattered across the two top rows. Debbie and Carl seemed to be arguing about something, as they usually did, Sandy clearly laughing at the altercation. Her eyes wandered east, her dads were tucked away to the side. Mickey scowled as he held the backpack Ruby had dropped with them above his head trying to shield himself from the sun. He always pretended to be way more bothered than he actually was.
Ian was looking back at her, a vibrant smile as he caught her eyes, waving. He was always so proud of her.
Ruby gave an enthusiastic wave back before she heard her coach calling for her. It was go time.
The first few seconds were a blur, she heard the referee wave go and her body move without her. It took her a second to fully come back to herself. She figured that was a big reason she loved to run so much. Ian was the one to suggest it to her. He said he used to run and continued to do so almost every day because it cleared his head. Ruby had to agree. She loved the feeling of her brain shutting up. When it stopped screaming at her and everything went quiet.
At that point, she was back in her head when she realised she was yards ahead of her competition. The race was a sprint, she wasn’t too far from the finish line. She was practically grinning to herself, accepting an early victory. Then just as quick as she thought it, her legs buckled under her. She heard a snap and then suddenly she was crashing into the pavement.
She could hear the crowd instantly muttering, it was drowned out by the sound of another crack.
The whole race stopped. The girls she was running against awkwardly stopped dead in their traps, yelling for someone to help her.
Ruby couldn’t see anything, her vision was completely gone. She tried to feel around to get a sense of her surroundings but she was too paralysed in pain to even stop her nails to stop digging into her palms. All at once, everyone she knew was surrounding her. Calling her name over and over to try to get her to respond. She heard someone yell to call for an ambulance. She wanted desperately to decline but she couldn’t get her mouth to open.
Eventually, the ambulance came and loaded her in, she gained consciousness just enough to loopily ask the EMT where her dads were. They were right by her side but she couldn’t seem to remember that.
She woke up again in a hospital bed. She had apparently torn her ACL pretty severely when she collapsed then landed right on her ankle and broke it. She was going to need surgery to repair both, in the meantime she was wheelchair-bound.
And that’s where that left her. The whole incident was a week ago, had her first of many surgeries several days ago, and gotten back from the hospital the day before.
Mickey and Ian kept asking her how she felt. That never led to much. She would mumble a “fine” and that was usually the extent of her response.
Her being wheelchair-bound seemed to be what she was taking the hardest. She could stand with crutches for a few minutes at a time, and could barely walk more than a few steps.
Ruby’s limited mobility meant that she needed to stay in the guest bedroom downstairs as she couldn’t make it to her room on the second story. That seemed to be bothering her the most.
Ian and Mickey tried their hardest to make her feel better. Besides the obvious hangups. She was the most upset about the fact she could no longer compete, there was no way her leg would even be healed in time, let alone able to run. The doctor told her it would take her half a year minimum before she was healed.
That news shut her down. She wasn’t her regular self. The change was definitely noticeable. She would usually talk their ear off at any opportunity. Sit on the edge of their bed at the end of the night before bed to give them a nightly wrap-up of all that was going on for the day. Now she wasn’t talking much at all, probably the first red flag of many that they kind of just chose to ignore. She didn’t say much, didn't speak first. Ian and Mickey didn’t think much of it at the time since she was on a lot of pain meds. Figured that she was just probably tired. Knew she was most definitely depressed about her whole situation so they didn’t push her. Figured she’d come out of her shell when she was ready.
Mickey was better at that. Giving space. That came a little harder for Ian. Mickey always said that he had to fix things. For what it was worth, he was probably right but Ian was also stubborn. So maybe he liked to make sure things were okay even if it seemed they weren’t. He didn’t like the tenseness that hung in the air when things weren’t right, it ate away at him. But above all, he was concerned for his girl.
Unfortunately for Ian, Ruby was just as stubborn as him. She immediately saw through any of his pointed questions. They dodged one another’s attempts for a week before Ian finally decided that if she wasn’t going to comply, he would take the first step in making things better for her.
She was staying in the spare room downstairs. That room used to be her and Autumn’s when they were little girls. Once they got older they both moved out to the two rooms upstairs. Mickey and Ian figured it was good for them to have their own space. Especially since that meant that they no longer shared a wall with their dads.
Ian cleared out Ruby’s old bedroom where she would be back in. Still, in between the two rooms, Ian decided to take an afternoon off and move all her shit from upstairs into the guest bedroom. He proposed the idea to a lacklustre Ruby who just shrugged, “you don’t have to do that”.
Ian pursed his lips, “would it make you feel better if you were back in your room?”
Ruby’s pupils danced around Ian’s face as she considered the question. “I guess”
“Then we’ll get you back into your room” Ian’s voice beamed, he kissed her hair embarking upstairs.
His goal was to bring Ruby’s room to her. Try and make the space look as much like her bedroom as possible. Ian did have to say he was impressed with his own work, not to toot his own horn but he did a pretty great job transforming the space. It took him a few hours but everything was exactly the same as it was in her own room. He did have a twinge of regret hanging a few posters up when he realised he was going to have to do it all over again to put things back but he pushed through any of those doubts at the thought that Ruby was going to be so happy.
He had offered to let her just hang in the living room while he finished up the room. She refused, instead planting herself in the corner of the already small room, arms crossed against her chest, slumpt down the best she could with her mobility restricted.
Ian expected her to be barking orders at him the whole time, watching over every single one of his moves to ensure he was doing justice to the replication. She had always been strong-willed yet he got nothing.
“I think you're all set, baby” Ian continued to smile. He adjusted the pillows against the wall one last time before making his way back to the centre of the room near where Ruby had sat herself.
He kept picturing her bright smile through his doubt. He just wanted to make her feel okay again.
That smile never came. Not the way that Ian imagined it. She tucked her lips inwards, clearly forcing herself to smile. She appreciated that her dad had made the effort, it was a kind gesture. She couldn’t seem the will to smile. She tried to though. She had felt bad about how disengaged she was but really could not bring herself to pretend to be okay.
She had been getting progressively weirder all afternoon, an excellent example of the moodiness Mickey had claimed to be so ‘afraid’ of. Ian thought he was always being dramatic, after all, he did grow up with Debbie, and he had known the intricate knowings of a moody girl all too well. Ruby was definitely moody as it was, a trait that seemed ot be progressively worse as she got older. She had a mouth on her and would go from one extreme emotion to the next on what seemed to be a dime. In all honestly, at that moment Ian would have rather had her lash out at him, roll her eyes and call him stupid for putting so much effort into his stupid idea of trying to make her feel better because he couldn’t.
Like the smile, her lashing out didn’t come either. All he got was heavy silence and half-lidded eyes. She was becoming just a husk of her former self, silent and lifeless.
The silence was new. Ruby had been taking their ear off since she could talk. Historically, when she was upset she would ramble on, tears dribbling to her chin. The silence was becoming heavier, choking Ian. He bit the inside of his cheek reminding himself he couldn’t push her. He was worried if he did she could go off the edge. He knew that she was upset about the whole ordeal, how could she not?
There was a mirrorball hanging from her ceiling, its light reflected across the room. Her face was illuminated by its glow. He realised she hadn’t responded to him. His eyes left the bed to see her. She wasn’t looking at him at all. Her eyes were fixated passed him, looking out the window, eyes glazed over unmoved. The only thing that queued him in on her even being alive was her hand instinctively moving as Roma kept rubbing up against demanding pets.
The dog seemed to be as confused at her lack of response as Ian was, relinquishing to the ground in front of Ruby’s left wheel, a little bark as she lay down.
“Bee?” his voice came in a singy songy tone. She didn’t budge. “Ruby” he repeated voice much louder than before. Roma barked at the call, her movement shaking the footrest of Ruby’s wheelchair. That finally got the teen's attention. She closed her eyes tight, shaking her head. “Yeah?” her voice was quiet, hoarse as she hadn’t been saying much.
He decided to cut her a break, head turning to look back at her bed towards her bed. “Room looks good, right? Think I’d be good at replicas” he tried a chuckle, to lighten the mood slightly. It didn’t land.
“Looks good” her eyes didn’t bother to move from the corner of the window that was all-encompassing of her attention. She did attempt to smile again, her teeth biting into her bottom lip.
“Good!” Ian hummed, he watched her for a second, trying to get a read on her expression. She was still unmoved. He tucked his hands into the front pocket of his sweatpants, trying to find a lead to change the conversation.
“Okay, well… Later if you want, you can take a shower in dad and I’s room when Auttie’s home so she can help you”
She didn’t take a second to comprehend what he said, immediately just replying,
“Okay”
“You hungry?”
“No”
“ Okay… ” he looked around the room, lips folding in. “Do you need any meds?”
“No” the word came just as quickly as it did before, emotionless once more. Another break of silence.
“How‘s your leg?”
“Still broken” her eyes finally shot up to look at him, a look he had never seen before. Her gaze wasn’t angry or sad but definitely wasn’t any positive emotion either. It was uncharted, unreadable which took Ian aback slightly. He had known that girl basically her whole life. He had memorised every minute nuance shift of eyes, curls of lips. Still, he had never seen that look before. He chose to ignore it for the girl's sake. He knew that an interrogation was the last thing she needed.
“Okay” Ian’s hands shot up as if to tell her he was done bothering her. “I’m going to go get dinner started, do you need help getting into bed?”
“No”
Ian sighed that time. He was trying not to get frustrated with her, he knew she was in a lot of pain, in every sense of the word. Still, her lack of response was getting to him a little. He was just trying to help her, didn’t appreciate a cold shoulder.
“Right…” He huffed. “Yell if you need me”
Ruby did make a little more of an effort that time, for what it was worth, sarcastically giving him a thumbs up.
“Roma move” Ruby muttered. She sighed when she realised the dog had fallen asleep. She tried to lean down and tap the dog's head but she couldn’t reach, grimacing from the stretch.
“C’mon girl” Ian immediately interjected, leaning down to shake her collar. The dog sprung up, following as Ian made his way to the door.
“ Thanks ” she made out flatly.
“Whatever you need, Bee,” Ian reminded her. “Mean it kid, here for you”. She just hummed.
He couldn’t find it in himself to leave her alone just yet. He was sure she could still sense he was in the room despite him being in her blind spot. She didn’t say anything, probably just because she didn’t have the energy to bitch.
Ruby pushed her hand against the rim of her wheels. She inched forward barely before the wheels got stuck on the fuzzy rug Ian had brought from her room. He made a mental note to take the rug out when he left. He watched as Ruby struggled to push forward, cursing under her breath as her hands pulled back to let her reverse. She was stuck there, wrangling to try to get some control back.
Ian immediately jumped forward, going to free her. His palm pulled the right handle steering her back slightly.
“Dad don’t” her voice was sharp, much more full of emotion than any of her last three flat responses. Ian stifled at the sudden outburst of a frustrated yell, not expecting that from her. Dare he think he was glad that some human emotion was left in her, albeit annoyance.
“Don’t!” Ruby tried to move the wheelchair forward again, but she was still stuck. Ian moved his hand to help her once again, absentmindedly.
She felt his hand against her back and shrieked, stopping him dead in his tracks. “Stop it! I don’t need your help or dads’ or Auttie’s! I don’t need anyone’s fucking help I can do this by myself” Ruby’s voice had risen to a yell. Ian could see Roma still in the doorway. Her head twisted to the side, ears drooping down as if she didn’t understand why her human was suddenly so angry. Ian shared the dog’s curiosity.
She twisted her head watching as Ian just stood completely straight, unaware of what he was supposed to do. Her eyes were much angrier now, at the very least he was glad he had an identifiable emotion. They were angry as they were expecting. Expecting some type of reaction. Ian was coming up short. He swallowed the lump in his throat that was developing from Ruby’s piercing gaze.
“Okay” was all he said. He knew that her lashing out wasn’t aimed at him even if he was the apparent victim. She was angry at the whole situation, she was allowed to be.
He moved in front of her, so she could see his expression. “Sorry sweetheart,” his voice dropped a little lower genuinely apologetic. “Not trying to overstep, just want to make sure you are okay. Okay ?”
Her pupils danced, trying to get a proper read on the intense pair of eyes staring back at her. They stopped, focusing on a spot behind Ian’s shoulder. Ruby always did talk mad shit about how headstrong she was, how she didn’t back down. Ian had known the girl way too long to not know that deep down she was the least confrontational person he had ever met.
His eyes met hers as she finally stopped her feverish glances. The second their eyes made contact again seemed ot be too much for the girl. She sucked in a frustrated sigh. Ian watched as her face twisted up, the same expression she used to make as a baby when she was fussy. Sure enough, as she did in her infancy, her shoulder slumped forward slightly a loud sob breaking out.
Ruby shook her head wildly, her tears came hard. She immediately hid her face in her handsome trying to bring her knees up so she could crawl into a ball. In her immediate reflex, she remembered her leg was still not functional, a strangled squawk, and then a curse of pain followed her movement. Her face twisted up again, her leg falling down into place. The cast she was wearing hit against the wheelchair, he knew that must have stung as she breathed out a “motherfucker”.
“Hey” Ian’s hand grabbed hers, pushing it away from her leg. “Don’t hurt yourself worse”
That piece of advice didn’t seem to land the way Ian intended it to. Ruby reciprocated with a louder, choked sob. The worse sound Ian had ever heard. It hit him right in the gut, his stomach twisted up.
Mickey had said once or twice how hard it was for him to see the girls in pain. Ian had to agree, seeing them hurt sent him into fight or flight. He knew that was especially true for Mickey. Knew that their being in pain reminded him of his childhood pain, his trauma. Ian couldn’t exactly feel the same, he knew he didn’t exactly have the same merit even if his childhood was fucked up. But in that small room with Ruby wailing, Ian had to admit he felt sick.
“Rubybaby” His voice was hushed again, trying to remain as calm as he could. His voice was being drowned up by her loud uneven breaths.
“Hey” His voice was much louder. He was proud of how even-toned it was. It caught Ruby off guard, her eyes darting to his in an instant.
“Why are you crying?” Ian leaned down to her chair's level, hand on top of her with a reassuring squeeze. He knew it was probably a dumb fucking question. She had every reason to cry. She rarely took it though. She was definitely not a crier, Ian had to think hard of the last time he saw her cry. She was stoic when she was in the hospital. He figured this was finally her breaking point.
“Because..” her explanation was then immediately met with unintelligible sobbed rambles. She kept trying to get the words out, a letter at a time between hitched breaths and coughs.
“Hey take a breath” Ian squeezed her hands. She tried, but she couldn’t stop hiccuping, driving her to the point of hyperventilating.
“Here follow what I do” Ian took a deep breath, eyes focused on Ruby till she did the same. She huffed, head turning away.
“Ruby” Ian’s voice was a little sterner, he shook his hand loose out of hers to reach up and grab her chin. He gently pushed her head towards him. She obeyed, still hiccuping. He took a second to wipe her cheek before his hand returned to his.
“Big breath” Ian repeated. He was no stranger to breathing exercises. Autumn had been having anxiety attacks since she was four. He had been doing the same exercises with her almost every day to calm her down for years now. It was, unfortunately, his second nature.
He was able to calm Ruby down enough that she could properly breathe. Eh tried to ignore the fact that her hands were shaking.
“Can you tell me why you crying?” He tried again. He didn’t mean to be talking down to her like she was a little kid. He could tell by how tense her shoulders were she wasn’t particularly a fan either but to Ian’s credit he thought it was working.
Ruby squeezed her eyes shut tight. A few tears continued to fall down her cheeks. He was proud that she seemed to gather enough composure to speak.
“I hate having to rely on you guys for shit! I want to be able to do things by myself”
“You're not a burden to anyone, baby” Ian assured her, he was quick to note how fast her expression changed. She didn't believe him.
He leaned forward again, pushing the hair that stuck to her cheeks from the tears. “Not me or your dad or your sister or anyone. You know that don’t you?”
“Sure feels I am” she snorted. Ian was just glad she wasn’t pushing his hand away. “I can’t even take a piss by myself”
“Everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes” he shrugged. “No shame in that”
Ruby didn’t seem convinced so he tried a different tactic.
“How do you think I used to feel when your dad had to take care of me, huh?” His brows furrowed.
Ruby looked slightly confused. She scowled. “When did you ever need fucking help?”
“When I was stuck in bed all day or worse bouncing off the fucking walls”
“oh”
“Yeah ‘oh’ you smartass” He rolled his eyes fondly. “Remember you don’t know everything. Wish you would learn to trust that I have your best interest in mind, kid”
It was Ruby’s turn to roll her eyes. She took a second to wipe under her eyes. “This just fucking sucks” She huffed again. She swallowed hard, clearly trying to stop a fresh wave of tears from coming.
“I’ve been training all season” Her voice got tighter towards the end of her sentence. She took a deep breath like Ian had shown her, clearing her throat.
“I know, you're fast as fuck” He smirked to himself “No one can outrun a Gallagher”
“I’m not related to you” She rolled her eyes again. Ian didn’t push her as much as she wanted to. Instead, he watched as she sniffed through the wave of tears she was trying to choke down. “Dadda” She took a second to compose herself “I worked so fucking hard and now I can’t even do what I love”
Ian bit the inside of his cheek. “I know nothing I can say is going to make you feel better and I am going to miss my running buddy but you just gotta take it easy”
“Fucking sucks balls”
Ian couldn’t help but snort. “Yeah it does but hey kid you still have two whole years to compete” Ian’s hands reached up, gripping the two armrests, pulling the wheelchair more centre so she would have to look at him. Really hear what he was saying. Once her unsure eyes were surly on Ian he gave a little smile. “And if you’re anything like your pops and I, many more years than just that”
There was a wet sniffly laugh followed by an eye roll that Ian took as an immediate victory. “You’ll kill it next year” Ian promised her.
“I was gonna kill it this year” she all but shrieked, sadness painting her expression once more. “I was supposed to be winning awards and setting records and being fucking great and now I just have to sit in this chair for the rest of my life and watch as everyone else gets to be a shimmering fucking star and I get nothing” She cried out. There were those dramatics he knew.
“Well you’ll do it next year, show all those assholes you go to school with how good you are”
“I guess” her voice hadn’t shaken the sadness.
Ian accepted that there was nothing he could do to heal that part of her. He needed to let her figure that out by herself. He stood back up, knees cracking as he headed to her side. “I know you don’t wanna hear this because you, as your dad would say, are a little shit” he ruffled her hair before placing a kiss on the crown of her head.
“That’s exactly what he would say” Ruby rolled her eyes.
“Uh huh,” Ian couldn’t help stop the smile overtaking him “And I know you hate it but I’m happy to take care of you” he squeezed her shoulder. Ian felt her relax against him.
“Proud of you too, ya know” He couldn’t help but add on “So fucking proud of you sweetheart. Glad I get to brag about my beautiful girl to all those bitchy track moms”
He paused for a second, wiggling his eyebrows at her. She tried to stay stoned face but she couldn’t. She smiled at him, much closer to the one he expected from her. What he knew from her. “I love you. Thanks for putting up with me”
“Yeah you should thank me, you don’t make it easy”
Her hand reached outward, punching him square in his arm. She giggled at the groan elicited.
“Love you too, baby” he was sure to say. “Now can I please relinquish you from the rug?” Another cheeky smile.
Ruby sniffled voice nasally “I guess”
He pulled her backwards, taking a second to pull the tufts of fur from the wheels before steering her towards her bed. “You sure you don’t need anything?”
Ruby thought about it for a second before grinning. A real grin. “Can you make me a grilled cheese and tomato soup? But not the tomatoes from the garden because I don’t like those ones oh and also can you cut my crusts off?”
That was more like the Ruby he knew. He was glad to see her back. Her difficult, passionate, always something to say, shimmering self . She was going to be fine.