Work Text:
Jisung has matured enough to admit that he has made more mistakes in his life than any average twenty-two year old guy. He isn’t sure what the average is but he is pretty sure he went far and beyond it. He also matured enough to admit that, more often than not, his mistakes affect others more than they affect him. His parents,his neighbors, his friends and even his exes. One way or another, any one who comes in close proximity to Jisung will inevitably be burned by him, sliced by his sharp tongue and bruised by his actions.
Granted, ever since meeting Chan four years ago, he’s been trying to be a better person. To at least be decent enough not to be subjected to the older man’s disappointed look which is a million times worse than Jisung’s own father’s.
He has gotten into fewer fights and started even fewer ones, attended most of his classes and passed all of his exams which came as a surprise to his friends. He managed to get a job at the university’s radio station and he hasn’t drank, smoked or swallowed anything that would fuck up his nerveous-system in over a year.
Chan and Changbin tell him that they are proud of him and Innie looks up to him which should convince himself and everyone else that he is a good person. But sometimes… sometimes Jisung does things that throw all his improvements out of the window and show him that deep down, he is nothing but a rotten piece of garbage. His truth, who he really is, is a despicable, unlovable person who deserves every bad karma that comes his way.
Sometimes, like now, when he is kissing his boyfriend in a hidden corner in a crowded room with loud music and drunk people around him and all he can think about is the taste of another man’s lips, Jisung feels like taking a knife and twisting it into his own heart for all the hurt he knows he is going to cause.
And the worst part is not that he can’t stop but that he doesn’t want to stop. He closes his eyes to not see his boyfriend’s face and to imagine another face. He holds his boyfriend’s wrists down to prevent him from touching Jisung because he still remembers the shape and the feel of the other man’s hands. How smooth they felt in Jisung’s hands, how small they were.
It doesn’t matter that Jisung got into this relationship because his boyfriend has so much in common with the other man. It doesn’t matter that they are physically built the same, have the same feline eyes and pouty lips. It doesn’t matter that they are both dancers and love to cook. It doesn’t matter that Jisung was drawn to him in the first place because he saw him feeding a stray cat on campus.
All these similarities don’t matter because at the end of the day, Jisung can’t escape him and yet can’t find him in anyone else.
It should be embarrassing. Jisung should be ashamed and humiliated that he is still hung up, even after a year, on a man who didn’t choose him but his treacherous heart still nurses a mad hope, a depressive kind of love that, ironically, drains and sustains Jisung in equal measures.
Taeyong, Jisung’s boyfriend, pulls away from their mediocre kiss with flushed cheeks and a shy smile and that’s when Jisung is hit with all the dissimilarities. He is reminded that Taeyong’s hair is curlier and on the shorter side, he has a scar on his left eyebrow and his teeth are straight and perfectly shaped, opposed to the bunny teeth he’s always found cute. If Jisung is any less careful and if he hasn’t trained his face to show the opposite of what he is feeling, he is sure the disgust would’ve been written in bold letters on his features. Instead, he mirrors Taeyong’s smile and swallows his repulsion.
But when his eyes lock with Taeyong, he is hit with a guilt the weight of a mountain. And he hates himself for being such a hypocrite and he hates Taeyong for not being who Jisung wants him to be and then he is back to hating himself because this whole running in circles thing is no one else’s fault but his own. Another mistake he has made. Another mistake he’s still making.
And so his guilt gives birth to a desperate need to please, to compensate and to redeem himself at least in his own eyes because selfishly, Jisung’s opinion of himself is the one that matters the most.
In a very poor effort to make it up to Taeyong who is blessedly unaware of the vile thoughts Jisung is having, he intertwines their fingers and leads him to Chan’s kitchen.
“Let me make you a drink then we can dance.” Jisung’s voice is barely loud enough to be heard with all the music around them but Taeyong nods and it’s enough for Jisung to turn around again and focus on anything else but his boyfriend.
The kitchen is surprisingly empty except for a couple enthusiastically making out. Jisung looks back at Taeyong to find him flushed with embarrassment and decidedly looking the opposite way from the couple. Another dissimilarity. Taeyong hates witnessing public display of affection or causing it.
Jisung drops his boyfriend’s hand and starts mixing whatever he finds on the counter. He has no idea what he is making but he tries his best to make it the worst drink. Taeyong’s meekness is beneficial to Jisung most of the time, it saves him a lot of effort and generally he doesn’t even have to lie about what he is thinking or what he just said or did. But sometimes it gets on Jisung’s last damned nerves so he tries to provoke Taeyong into a tantrum or a fight or anything.
He interrupts Taeyong’s excited rambling with unimportant, random sentences, he starts another movie halfway through the one Taeyong picked because it was “boring”, he cancels on their dates at the last minute when he knows Taeyong has already arrived. Apparently, he also makes him drinks that he mildly hopes aren’t poisonous.
Jisung is an awful, awful person and he looks up from the drink in his hand and locks eyes with his biggest mistake. The bane of his existence and the love of his life.
Minho. Minho. Minho.
Minho, who Jisung hasn’t seen in over four months and hasn’t kissed in over a year. Minho, who tore Jisung apart and then put him back in the shape of some poorly made doll. Minho, with his evil smirk and faux innocent eyes. Minho and his sharp tongue that licks the wounds it opens. Minho, who is standing ten feet away from Jisung.
Jisung isn’t sure if he is hallucinating or if he was thinking hard enough about Minho that he manifested him into existence. He doesn’t know how he manages to not drop the glass in his hand and thrust it into Taeyong instead, all without breaking eye contact.
He notices Minho’s eyebrow lift slightly, daring Jisung to move, to open his mouth, to react at all but he can’t. Jisung is frozen in space and time. He feels Taeyong’s eyes on him but their weight is eclipsed by the weight of Minho’s and Jisung realizes just to what degree his stupidity can and does go.
Jisung is a stupid, stupid man because he can spend a lifetime looking for someone like Minho, he can go around the earth a million times and he can throw himself into the arms of any willing man but no one will ever measure up to half the man Minho is.
The realization suffocates him. Settles in his heart and weighs it down into the depths of an ocean-sized misery with a thousand rocks of pure despair. Hopelessness roots him where he stands. He doesn’t know if he wants to walk closer to Minho or to take a step or a hundred away from him. He wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants to hold Minho and to push him away.
He feels the tears building in the back of his eyes and he fears if the faucets open, nothing will shut them down. He takes deep, fast breaths but they aren’t enough. His hands shake and he balls them and feels the crescents his nails indent.
He is going to cry. He cannot cry. How can he stop himself from crying ?
The answer comes peeking from behind Minho in the form of blond hair, kind eyes and a constellation of freckles.
Jisung doesn't have the time to react before he is pulled into a hug. Felix, with his familiar smell and his bright laugh. And maybe this isn’t the answer because Jisung’s tears start flooding his eyes but at least he has an excuse for them now.
He hugs Felix back with all the strength in his body and realizes just how much he missed his sunshine twin. He met Felix through Changbin when the two of them started dating and they bonded through their love for cuddles and testing Chan’s limits. And if Jisung is being honest, Felix helped a lot in fixing some of the broken parts of himself and polishing the few good ones he had. Felix, in everyone’s eyes, is the personification of everything that is good and lovely and at first, Jisung hated him for it as much as he envied him for how perfect he was without even trying. But then they hung out together and got closer and Felix showed Jisung parts of his own struggle of living up to expectations, of maintaining an image he had no interest in creating in the first place. Felix’s insecurities resonated with Jisung’s and they found themselves helping each other. Chan, Changbin and Innie are the best people to surround yourself with but there was something about Felix that Jisung found comforting once he stopped being jealous of him. Felix is the most emotionally intelligent person Jisung knows and every time he proves Jisung’s right.
Felix runs his fingers through Jisung’s hair and whispers sweet words into his ear. He knows, he has to know the reason for Jisung’s unexpected breakdown and he tries to soothe him through it.
“I wanted to surprise you and I told him not to come but he won’t listen” Felix’s deep voice is so low that even Jisung finds it difficult to understand him. But he does. And he tries to assure him that it’s not Felix’s fault but the words won’t come out.
Felix continues petting him and apologizing and when Jisung finally has a grip on himself he breaks their hug. He smiles at Felix and hopes it doesn’t look like a grimace.
“I missed you.” It’s been four months. They texted every day and facetimed at least three times a week so it’s not like they lost contact but it’s not the same for Jisung who needs the people he loves around him close to the touch.
“I did too” Felix’s eyes disappear with the force of his smile. “I have so much to tell you and stuff to show you so I’m coming over to your place once we leave this party, okay?”
“Yes, sure.” Jisung agrees without a second thought.
“Oh ! Aren’t you coming back to mine?” Taeyong’s dejected voice comes from somewhere behind Jisung and that’s when Jisung is reminded of his existence.
Felix looks at him with evident confusion and Jisung curses himself for being caught in this situation and Taeyong for speaking.
“I’m sorry this is so rude of me. I don’t think we’ve met before. I’m Felix. Jisung’s best friend.” His smile is blinding and he lifts his hand to shake Taeyong's, who enthusiastically takes it.
When Jisung agreed to come to the party earlier he didn’t think Lix and Minho (probably Hyunjin as well) would be back from their tour. If he had the slightest suspicion that they’d be here, then he wouldn’t have invited Taeyong. But now it’s too late and he can’t exactly deny whatever will come out of his boyfriend’s mouth and if he is being honest, he kind of wants him to announce their relationship in front of Minho just to see the latter’s reaction. He has always been the jealous kind. Possessive and clingy. Minho always had his arm around Jisung’s waist, he kissed him with everyone watching just to stack his claim on him, he left hickeys and bite marks in places that were easily visible and Jisung loved that. Encouraged this behavior even.
“I’ve heard a lot about you” God, can he not smile like a lovesick fool. “I’m Taeyong. Jisung’s boyfriend.” Felix’s eyebrows disappear behind his bangs in surprise and understandably so. Jisung and Taeyong have been dating for a little over two months and Jisung never bothered to mention it to Felix whenever they talked. But right now, Felix’s reaction doesn’t matter. Not as much as Minho’s.
Because although Minho was, is, possessive, he is also volatile and unpredictable. He can rage and be angry at Jisung for dating someone. He can show no interest and act like it doesn’t matter. Jisung doesn’t know which case is worse.
When he does gather enough courage to look up at Minho, though, he is stunned to find him smiling at Taeyong. Fake, forced and it sends a shiver down Jisung’s spine because he knows nothing good will come out of this.
Minho isn’t even looking at Jisung. His whole attention is fixed on Taeyong who is chatting with Felix and has no idea what horrors Minho is thinking and planning. But Jisung does and he steps in the space between Minho and Taeyong in a feeble effort to shield his boyfriend from his ex but the plan backfires because Taeyong notices Minho and finally the tension is the room.
“Oh hello ! Are you a friend of Jisung as well ?” He actually takes a step closer to Minho and a part of Jisung is petty enough to look forward to how this meeting will play out because really, Taeyong should keep his big
mouth shut and rein in his friendship-making tendencies.
To Jisung’s complete horror, Minho grins and steps closer to Taeyong to shake his hand. Whatever. Taeyong brought this to himself.
“I’m Minho” he looks at Jisung and for a moment, his smile isn’t fake but predatory. “I’m his friend, yes.”
“Nice to meet you. I don’t think Jisung mentioned you before.” Jisung rolls his eyes because no shit. Why the fuck would Jisung talk about his ex who he is still embarrassingly in love with.
It seems like Minho is thinking something along these lines because he throws his head back in laughter before answering Taeyong.
“I would’ve been surprised if he did.” Jisung wants to kill Minho, or Taeyong or himself really at this point death is preferable to whatever is going on.
Thankfully, Chan chooses that moment to enter the kitchen with Hyunjin and Jisung hopes they save him.
Chan’s smile is strained once he looks at those gathered in his kitchen and Hyunjin’s confusion is evident in the way he keeps looking between Minho, Jisung and Taeyong.
“Hi Min. It’s good to have you back.” Chan’s voice is as loving and caring as ever and goes to hug a reluctant Minho, probably in an effort to distract him because unlike Hyunjin, Chan didn’t pick sides.
Sometimes Jisung wishes that he did because he knows Chan would’ve been on his side and because he wants Minho to lose a friend just the way Jisung lost Hyunjin. They weren’t awfully close. Not the way Jisung is with Chan, Changbin, Lixie or Innie but they were friends and they hung out and laughed and fought once or twice just to end up making up over a shitty rom-com or coffee. And Jisung misses him. Hyunjin was always soft and delicate, he had his moments of brutal honesty and his beauty still humbles Jisung’s ego, but Jisung loved spending time with him, loved working on his music while Hyunjin painted on Innie’s bed in the dorm he shared with Jisung.
When Hyunjin told Jisung to “grow the fuck up and stop holding Minho back” Jisung was hurt and consequently angry. He told Hyunjin to “grow up and stop pining over Minho when he is in a relationship with Innie” while Innie was present. That caused a problem between the couple because Jeongin was still unsure of himself and Jisung’s words only amplified his insecurities.
They worked it out thankfully but Jisung knows he hurt them both in an unforgivable way because Hyunjin never really spoke with him again and Innie was distant for a long long time. Jisung knows he deserves it and while he apologized for Jeongin time and time again and did his best to make it up for him, he refused to digne Hyunjin with an apology and met his coldness with coldness.
Jisung knows that his and Minho’s breakup fucked up their group dynamic even when the others refuse to say anything. Well, everyone except Seungmin who plainly told them to work on their shit because he won’t take sides and let them ruin the group’s friendship.
Minho and Jisung didn’t exactly work on their shit because one month after the breakup, Minho went abroad for a dance competition and came back a month later with a boyfriend. It didn’t last long but Minho’s audacity to bring his boyfriend to have dinner with them all and introduce Jisung as his friend was humiliating enough for Jisung to end the night with the two of them hurling insults at each other with everyone watching them horrified. After that, everyone came to a silent agreement to separate them until Minho left again four months ago and this time with Lixie and Hyunjin.
Jisung wonders if he brought back a boyfriend this time around as well.
“Channie, why didn’t you tell me Jisung has a boyfriend?” Minho’s voice is sugary sweet, maybe even whiny a bit and that makes the tension grow even thicker.
“Minho, not now.”
“Did everyone know and hid it from me or something?” This time, his voice is sharp and it should make Jisung nervous but all it does is send a thrill through his body. Minho can taste his own fucking poison now.
“Why would anyone hide that?” Jesus fucking christ. Taeyong’s stupidity is enviable. No one answers him, though, and when the silence stretches beyond what is acceptable, Hyunjin speaks.
“Minho is Jisung’s ex.” he shrugs and Jisung hears a small “oh” before Taeyong moves and intertwines their hands together. Jisung wants to pull away because what the hell is he doing exactly ? staking his claim ? but Taeyong embarrassed himself enough tonight and Jisung doesn’t have it in himself to add up to it so he stays as he is and looks anywhere but at Minho.
“Okay” Felix drags the word looking around him and then his face breaks in a smile “I’ve spent the last four months dancing but I’m still gonna dance tonight so who’s gonna join me?” Felix maximizes his sunshine voltage to break the tension but his plan backfires almost immediately.
“You’re a dancer ?” Taeyong asks and when Felix nods in confirmation his smile grows bigger. “Me too.”
“Of course you are.” Minho chimes in and Taeyong glares at him which is something Jisung never saw him do.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” His tone is cold and sharp. Minho truly brings out the worst in people.
“I’m a dancer as well.” Minho’s smile is sweet and Jisung knows whatever comes after it will be nasty. “Jisungie sure has a type.” There it is. Minho has a variety of nicknames for Jisung and he uses them according to what he wants the younger boy to feel. « Jisungie » is when he is being mean, when he wants to hurt Jisung.
His words have the desired effect. Taeyong drops his hand and turns to him with a look of betrayal on his face. Jisung is irritated. He can’t believe Minho’s words got an instant reaction from Taeyong when Jisung did so much worse. The voice of reason that unsurprisingly sounds a lot like Chan tells him it isn’t a competition on who can hurt Taeyong more and Jisung ignores it.
“What ? it just happened.” He doesn’t have the energy to lie just to reassure or comfort his boyfriend so he grabs his hand again and starts moving them away from the kitchen. “I’m going home. Lix, I’ll text you for lunch tomorrow.”
Jisung is escaping; he is well aware of that but he does not have the energy or the will to face a smug Minho and to see the pitying looks of Chan and Lixie so escaping is his only solution.
On their way to Taeyong’s place, Jisung doesn’t exactly lie to him about everything that led to the tension back in Chan’s but he doesn’t tell him the truth either. He tells him that they broke up a year ago but doesn’t tell him he still loves Minho. He tells him they broke up because Minho was possessive and toxic, but he doesn’t tell him Jisung was even worse. He tells him Minho left him but doesn’t tell him that Jisung made Minho choose between him and his career.
Taeyong seems to accept the explanation and to create this demonic image of Minho in his mind. He looks at Jisung with so much sympathy and support. He even hugs him and tells him how sorry he is that Jisung found himself in such an abusive relationship.
Jisung doesn’t know whether he wants to laugh or cry. He doesn’t know if he is this good of a liar or if Taeyong really is the most idiotic person he met.
As soon as the last thought crosses his mind, he is once more drenched with guilt and so he tries to make it up to Taeyong in the only way he knows how. He kisses him softly. He caresses his arms and tells him he is beautiful. He pleases him in all the ways he knows how until Taeyong is overwhelmed with lust and tears are running down his cheeks all the while Jisung is holding back his own of sadness.
That night, Jisung doesn’t go to sleep until dawn approaches. He feels the weight of his boyfriend in his arms while he scrolls through hundreds of pictures he has saved of his ex.
******************************************************************************************
The next day, Jisung meets Felix for lunch and spends a couple of hours listening to him talk about almost everything that happened on the tour for the last four months. He does his best not to zone out and to match Felix’s energy and he thinks he is successful if Felix’s parting hug is any indication.
Other than that, Jisung avoids everyone. He goes to all of his classes and work on time. He spends his free time in the library despite the fact that the school year is only starting and not much homework is due. The tiny part of him that has been bitter lately because of how all his friends seem to be in loving relationships is thankful now since their significant others are keeping them busy. He uses Felix as an excuse to avoid Taeyong and uses Taeyong as an excuse to avoid Felix and hopes they don’t somehow meet and expose him to each other.
A week goes by and Jisung thinks maybe he can keep this up until he is emotionally stable enough to meet his friends without being an asshole to them. Maybe even be in the same room as Minho without having the urge to fight him. Or kiss him.
But on Saturday morning, Jisung wakes up to a banging on his door. He contemplates smothering himself with his pillow until whoever is on the other side tires out and leaves but then he hears Seungmin’s voice and he knows it’s in his best interest to just open the door and get it over with. Whatever it is.
When he opens his door, Seungmin looks him up and down with unfiltered judgment then barges in and looks at the messy dorm room. Innie, for the last week, has been spending almost all of his time with Hyunjin and spends the night at his place as well. Which really is expected so Jisung doesn’t resent him for leaving him alone in the empty dorm. That also means that Jisung hasn’t cleaned up the place, didn’t wash any dishes, or even did his laundry. The messiness doesn’t bother him but Seungmin’s judgment and disgust do.
“You and your place look like shit so I can only assume you feel like it as well.” Jisung can’t help but roll his eyes. Seungmin is known for his brutal honesty and Jisung still can’t brush it off even after two years of knowing him.
“Yes well not all of us can be unfeeling assholes and sometimes it shows.” He flops himself on his bed and looks expectantly at Seungmin who stays standing as if the dirty room is offending him.
“Why are you avoiding everyone ?” straightforward. That has always been Seungmin’s approach to conflict. Jisung sometimes envies him for his directness.
“I’m not.” he lies and it’s Seungmin’s turn to roll his eyes. He looks around the room one more time then sighs and resigns himself to sitting next to Jisung.
“Chan said you’ve already seen Minho,” of fucking course he did. “Is this because of him?” Seungmin’s tone is neutral and Jisung is thankful for the boy’s ability to detach himself from any situation and look at it with logic and reasonableness. Something Jisung never manages to do.
“No. My life doesn’t revolve around him, you know?” He lies. It is because of Minho and his life does revolve around Minho but he won’t admit that to anyone.
Seungmin snorts, seeing right through his lie and Jisung wants to kick him but he knows Chan will kill him for abusing his precious (demon) boyfriend so he refrains. He does tell Seungmin to fuck off, though.
“Chan is having dinner at his place for everyone tonight and he wants you there. Will you come?” Jisung wants to say no. He wants to keep avoiding everyone. Hell, he wants to move across the country so he doesn’t have to be in the same room as Minho. But he can’t do that. Chan and Felix will be upset if he skips dinner and Seungmin went through the trouble of coming here because Jisung was ignoring their calls.
“Fine.”
“Don’t bring Taeyong.” Jisung wasn’t thinking of bringing Taeyong but if he is one thing, then it’s petty.
“Last time Minho brought his boyfriend so it’s only fair I bring mine this time.”
“Last time ended with a fight and both of you ruined dinner. Chan almost had a strock listening to your foul mouths'' he levels Jisung with a look and Jisung feels ashamed at the memory “so no don’t bring him and it’s not like you were thinking of that anyway.” he stands up to leave and Jisung hates how Seungmin sees right through him.
Alone in his room, Jisung imagines how the dinner will go. All eight of them will be present and hopefully the six boys will keep the peace long enough for Jisung to enjoy a homemade meal because he is resolute on NOT starting a fight this time. He will go there, be his cheerful self, dress up in his hottest outfit, spend time with his friends and show Minho what he is missing.
Last time Jisung checked (yesterday), Minho was single. And it’s not like Jisung is going there with the single goal of seducing the dancer but he’ll be damned if he shows up looking like shit. With that thought in mind, Jisung stands up and starts planning his outfit.
******************************************************************************************
Jisung arrives at Chan’s and Changbin’s place fashionably late with a pack of cheap beer because he is kinda broke and that’s all he can afford but so are his friends so no judgment there.
When Changbin opens the door he hugs him a bit too tight, taking Jisung by surprise. Changbin’s hugs aren’t exactly rare but he isn’t generous with them either so this welcoming hug feels more like a show of solidarity and Jisung appreciates that more than he’ll ever admit.
“Missed me?” Jisung bats his eyes coyly at Changbin earning an eye roll and a light slap to the shoulder.
“Yes, honey.” Changbin’s voice is even sweeter and he giggles like a schoolgirl. Jisung is disgusted and reminded why he never acts cute with Changbin because the older boy always takes it as a challenge to see who’s cuter.
“Is everyone here ?” He takes off his shoes and goes straight to the kitchen, Changbin following behind.
“Inne had a shift and is running a bit late but everyone else is already here.” There is a tightness in his voice and Jisung chooses to ignore it.
“Hi, dad.” he calls Chan who’s putting last touches to dinner. Chan looks up and his face splits in a grin, dimples and all.
“Hi Sungie. We missed you” Jisung feels a bit guilty for ignoring them for the last week but he knows his friends will understand his need for some time alone.
“Sorry Channie. Had a lot on my mind.” He apologies anyway and Chan nods in understanding.
“If you need anything, come to me, okay?”
“I will.” Jisung means it. In the last four years since he’s known Chan, the older boy has seen him in his lowest and still loved him and supported him. Jisung can’t count the times he spent the night in Chan’s bed crying to his best friend and how Chan always had his arms and heart open to carry Jisung’s burdens for him.
“Go sit in the living room. We’ll wait for Innie, he said he’s on his way.” Jisung obeys and leaves Chan and Changbin to finish.
When he enters the room, the three dancers plus Seungmin seem to be in a heated argument and he can distinguish Minho’s voice.
“... off because it’s not my fault and he can-” Minho’s eyes fall on Jisung’s figure by the door and the younger boy bathes in the satisfaction of rendering Minho speechless.
Minho likes him all soft and pliant, in hoodies three times his size, cute beanies, animal slippers… really anything that makes Jisung look delicate and gentle. But he loves him in tight jeans that show his ass, anything that accentuate his tiny waist. He loves Jisung with eyeliner, with a choker, with his nails painted black. And that’s exactly what Jisung did.
He shows up with black skinny jeans and dark green sleeveless button down that not only show his arms but also his waist that Jisung emphasized further by tightening his belt. He put on makeup, something he hasn’t done in a while, parted his hair and left it to fall to his eyes, wore a choker and painted his nails dark green that is almost black.
He knows he looks good and Minho’s reaction -speechless, wide eyes and slightly open mouth- gives Jisung more confidence to walk into the room and sits on the sofa with only Felix between him and Minho.
“Hi.” He is glad his voice comes out natural and he is acutely aware of the sudden change in the mood since he walked in.
Seungmin clears his throat and that seems to be enough to snap Minho back to whatever he was saying.
“Um.. so yeah anyway when is Innie coming?” Making Minho a flustered mess is all the ego boost Jisung needs.
“Channie says he’s on his way.” He answers and everyone seems shocked at the fact that he did. Jisung catches Seungmin’s eye and shrugs at his questioning look. Jisung decided on his way that he will act as casual as he can be to both Minho and Hyunjin even if that means inserting himself in conversations and looking at the two boys instead of acting like their existence doesn’t matter to him. He doesn’t know what he’ll gain from that exactly but he’ll try anyway. Jisung is so so tired of feeling like a rubber band stretched too far.
Jisung never allowed himself to mourn the relationship he had with Minho and that somehow translated into him hoping they’ll be back together at some point. They started dating about two years ago when Seungmin, who was already dating Chan, introduced them. Jisung and Minho clicked together easily and naturally and in a way that was completely foreign to Jisung who struggles with strangers and overthinks his words so much that in most cases he ends up swallowing them.
But it was different with Minho. Jisung found a weird sense of comfort with the dancer. Maybe it was the way he gave Jisung a candy on their first meeting, or when he told him he doesn’t have to speak formally to him on their second. Maybe it was the way Minho fondly compared Jisung’s cheeks to a quokka or how he complimented him on his music. Maybe it was all of that and maybe it was none of it.
Maybe it was Minho’s big eyes looking back at him from across the room and his soft hands holding Jisung and telling him everything will be alright.
Now Jisung watches Minho tease Seungmin and realizes that his biggest fear isn’t heights or even crowded places.
With his heart in his throat, Jisung admits to himself that his biggest fear is Minho moving on. He is paralyzed by the idea of being the only one standing in the ashes of what once was. What if, long after Minho’s departure, Jisung is the one looking for a sign that will never come of their paths meeting together. Or what if a sign is there just to further separate them. What if Jisung never takes the decision -that will feel like a blow to his soul- to move one, but is forcibly thrown away. Discarded. Like he never mattered.
Jisung takes deep breaths. He counts to ten. He thinks of still beaches and calming sceneries. He presses his trembling fingers to his pulse point and tries to count his heart beats. He takes his hand away and flexes his fingers instead. He closes his eyes and tries to tune back to the conversation around him. He hears Minho’s laugh. He snaps.
He stands and moves in the direction of the bathroom. His sight is blurry and for all the breathing exercises he’s been doing, his breaths are still short and unsatisfying. He vaguely hears a voice calling him but can’t match it to a face and ignores it in favor of slamming the bathroom door behind him.
He walks to the sink and washes his face with freezing water and then wets his neck that is feeling way too hot. He starts counting from a hundred to zero in English, hoping that if he focuses his mind enough on trivial things it will reboost. Or shut down. Whatever. Anything. He’s done it before and it worked a few times.
Seventy three. Seventy two. Seventy-
A knock on the door distracts him. A voice stops him in his tracks.
“Hannie.” Jisung’s breath hitches. He is Hannie again. He is Hannie again. He is Hannie again.
He can’t remember the last time Minho called him that. For the last year, it has been either a cold Jisung or a mean Jisungie. Not a soft Hannie. Not even by mistake.
Jisung hasn’t realized how bad he missed being called that. A nickname reserved for Minho because he is the one who came up with it. He said it’s because it sounds like “honey”. He said it’s because Jisung is just as sweet. And Jisung was never called sweet by anyone else in his life. Jisung was, and to an extent still is, acidic. Bitter and venomous.
When Minho called him sweet for the first time, Jisung bursted out laughing. He laughed until his stomach hurt and until he realized what Minho said was true. To a degree at least.
Jisung held and kissed Minho with all the tenderness in the world. He supported and reassured the older boy. He told him he was proud of him and got him daisies every week because they were Minho’s favorites. Jisung took Minho on picnic dates when the weather was good and held his hand when they were watching horror movies late at night. Jisung told him he loved him every single day and promised to love him until his dying days.
Jisung was sweet to his Minho. Until he wasn’t.
Until every man in Minho’s vicinity became a threat. Until, in Jisung’s fucked up mind, Minho chasing his dreams meant abandonning him. Until Jisung made him choose between him and his future. Until Minho chose his career.
Jisung knows it wasn’t fair and if he can turn back time, he will act differently. He will tell Minho he’s proud of him until his ears turn red in embarrassment. He will shower him with praise and kisses and take him out to celebrate being chosen to tour with his dancing troupe internationally. He will do so many things differently and rightly.
But he can’t. He can’t turn back time and he can’t find the correct words to say and make Minho forgive him. They can’t go back to the way they were no matter how much Jisung wishes for it. He can’t look Minho in the eye knowing that he broke his trust.
He can’t even resent Minho for moving on.
“Hannie, can I come in?” Minho’s voice is soft. Tender. Delicate. A tone he has reserved for Jisung, just like the nickname.
Jisung doesn’t trust his voice to come out stable or even be heard so he walks the few steps to the door and opens it.
Minho’s fist is in the air and he lowers it at the sight of Jisung. He takes a step forward and Jisung takes one backwards. Another and then one more. Until they are both in the bathroom with barely enough space between them. Minho closes the door without taking his eyes away from Jisung and the younger boy feels crushed under the weight of them. Minho’s eyes are searching. For what, Jisung doesn’t know but they dart from his eyes, to the lower lip Jisung has trapped between his teeth, to the trembling hands clenching and unclenching.
“Sit” Minho points to the edge of the tub and Jisung obeys. It has always been easy to follow Minho’s directions. To let him decide and direct.
When Jisung settles down with his hands on either side, gripping the tub and his head lowered, he feels Minho positioning himself between Jisung’s open legs.
He is too close. He is too far away.
Jisung can’t look at him, afraid of what he’ll see. Afraid of going blind by their sudden proximity. Afraid of going insane by what he can’t have.
He sees from his periphery Minho lifting his hand and can’t predict his next move until he feels it on his hair. Light and gentle at first and then bold and assertive, gripping Jisung’s hair and pushing his head back until their eyes meet.
The softness is gone from Minho’s eye like it was never there, replaced by coldness. The whiplash is enough to kickstart Jisung’s heart at a galloping pace.
“Where is your boyfriend?” Minho bites, his grip tightening on Jisung’s hair and in return Jisung brings his hands up to Minho’s waist.
“Seungmin told me not to bring him.” Jisnug wants to ask him what is it to him, but he holds his tongue. Minho isn’t hostile yet.
“Is he good to you?” Jisung doesn’t have to think about it because yes, Taeyong is good to him. Too good that it leaves Jisung feeling like a lesser person. Like an undeserving asshole.
“Yes,” Jisung can stop at that but a vindictive part in him pushes him to say more. “He’s so good to me. He’s kind and sweet and loyal. He sees the universe in me and he would choose me over and over again.” Jisung doesn’t know why he added the last part but the murderous look on Minho and the way his hand yanks Jisung’s head is so satisfying.
“Are you good to him?” Jisung falters and now Minho is the one looking satisfied.
Jisung isn’t good to Taeyong and everyone who has seen them interact at least once knows that. He is awful to him, he brushes him off, he is using him to build the confidence Minho destroyed when he left.
“Yes.” Jisung lies.
“Are you good to him?” Minho asks again and the grips he has on Jisung is borderline painful now. Jisung loves it.
“No.” The answer seems to satisfy Minho further. A smile replaces his earlier sneer and Jisung almost chokes on his spit when Minho releases his hair and instead kneels down between Jisung’s open legs.
The power balance shifts too fast for Jisung’s currently empty mind. Minho is looking up at him now with his cheek cupped in Jisung’s hand. He is looking at him with submissive eyes and Jisung doesn’t know how Minho does it but he is making himself look so small, so vulnerable, so breakable. He only looked like this in Jisung’s wildest fantasies that he tries so hard not to indulge in. And fails. Miserably. But even his fantasies aren’t as good and detailed as the real thing. He feels a stab of hunger for the boy in front of him. He feels nourished at the sight of him. Jisung feels too hot suddenly and it only gets worse -or better he isn’t sure- when Minho whispers.
“Kiss me. Please, Hannie.”
On most days, Jisung’s morals are held by a thread, always on the verge of being thrown away. So when Minho asks to be kissed. Begs really, Jisung doesn’t overthink it nor does he hesitate. He dives in and slots their lips together.
It’s uncoordinated and it’s wet and it’s fast. It’s passionate and it’s fire burning through Jisung’s veins. It’s their lips fitting perfectly together with Minho’s fuller upper lip against Jisung’s lower one. It’s Minho’s signature strawberry flavored chapstick and how Jisung laps at it.
It’s slower all at once. It’s panting and refusing to separate for breath. It’s Minho’s tongue coaxing Jisung’s mouth to open. It’s their tongues meeting. It’s spit exchanged and Minho’s moan when Jisung’s tongue touches the roof of his mouth.
It’s Minho pulling back to kiss Jisung on the corner of his mouth. Peppering kisses along his jaw. Licking, biting, sucking on his pulse point.
It’s Jisung pulling Minho closer, burying him in the crooks of his neck. Moaning at the feel of being marked up. Of belonging.
It is too good and it has been too long. And all at once, it stops.
“Sungie, Min, dinner is ready.” Felix’s voice is tentative but enough to separate Minho and Jisung.
Despite the dazed look Minho has, his voice comes out strong and stable as he yells a “coming” in replay. They stare at each other while listening to Felix’s retreating steps. Jisung doesn’t know what to say and Minho looks like he is contemplating something. When Felix’s footsteps are only a distant echo, Minho speaks, barely audible.
“Come to my place after dinner?” he ends it as a question and Jisung nods eagerly.
******************************************************************************************
Dinner goes better than anyone expected or dared to hope for. The conversations are light and the good food keeps everyone happy. Jisung makes an effort to be polite and engaging with Hyunjin who seemed weary at first but is laughing at Jisung’s jokes by the end of dinner.
Jisung avoides directly looking at Minho but does not ignore him and Minho does the same. They pitch in on each other’s stories and smile when the other says something funny. They are tactful and respectful in a way they haven’t been in a year.
But soon the dinner is over and the dishes are washed. Soon, Jisung is the last one bidding Chan and Changbin goodnight and walking in the opposite direction of his dorm room with his heart beating too fast and his nerves frayed. Soon he is knocking on a familiar door and then looking at a face that Jisung knows all too well. Shapes and scars and all.
They don’t greet each other, they don’t talk, they don’t set boundaries.
Jisung doesn’t know who took the first step but his lips are on Minho’s and it feels like coming home. Jisung doesn’t think of anything except the man in his arms. He lets his body take control over his mind and his muscle memory has him jumping into Minho. Arms around the dancer’s neck and legs circling his waist.
Minho isn’t surprised. He grips Jisung’s thighs and grinds against him eliciting a loud moan from the both of them.
The trip to Minho’s bedroom takes longer than it should since they are kissing all the way there. But then Jisung is laying on Minho’s bed, barely aware of the noises leaving his mouth thanks to Minho’s skilled fingers and lips. Minho is kissing all over his body, calling him pretty and telling him how good he tastes. Jisung shudders, his vision going white, embarrassingly fast and without much effort from Minho.
Minho gives him a few moments to come down from his high but he doesn’t stop entirely. He keeps kissing Jisung’s body. Worshiping it with reverence until Jisung is reduced to one word sentences that are just him begging for more.
He begs until Minho is all that he can see and feel. Minho’s fingers intertwined with Jisung’s. Minho’s lips kissing the tear treks on his cheeks. Minho caging him, on top of him, inside him. Minho thrusting into him and pushing him beyond the edge.
Minho. Minho. Minho.
Like a prayer, like a blessing, like a reverie.
Minho. Minho. Minho.
Like a sacrilege, like a curse, like a nightmare.
******************************************************************************************
When Jisung wakes up disoriented the next morning, it is to sunlight filtering through the window and the smell of coffee. The room he is in is far too familiar to initiate any panicked feeling in him but he is still hesitant as he moves from the bedroom to the kitchen, following the faint humming.
Minho is by the stove flipping something on the pan. It’s a familiar scene to Jisung but it’s been so long that he feels a weird sense of longing, like he is seeing it as a memory or a vivid dream. Minho is wearing shorts and a shirt that Jisung realizes with a start is his from back when they were still together.
“Is that my shirt?” Minho jumps, cursing.
“Fuck. Make some noise next time.” Jisung sits on one of the stools and does his best to ignore the “next time” out of fear of getting his hopes up. He doesn’t answer but busies himself with memories from last night and watching Minho cook his famous pancakes. When he is done cooking he serves Jisung and sits on the stool next to him.
Jisung keeps his mouth busy with chewing because he is afraid of talking. The last time they actually talked they ended up fighting in front of everyone and Jisung doesn’t want a repetition of that so he shoves food into his mouth until his plate and cup are halfway empty and his phone rings in the space between them. Taeyong’s image flashes on the screen and they both freeze.
The enormity of what they did last night weighs on Jisung in a way that should’ve been expected but still takes him by surprise. He cheated on his boyfriend. He cheated on his boyfriend with Minho.
Many feelings replace the fleeting happiness he felt, no, the happiness he undeservingly stole last night tangled between Minho and his sheets. Like an opened Pandora’s box, guilt, shame, disgust, self-loath all rage inside him and many, many more.
Minho looks the other way as if giving him the privacy of concealing his humiliation and Jisung silences his phone and flips it over. They sit in silence for a few more minutes, neither saying anything and both ignoring the elephant in the room until it is too much for Jisung and he stands.
“Can I take a shower before I leave?” his voice comes out so small and Minho’s answering shrug doesn’t make him feel any better.
He goes through the motions in the painfully familiar bathroom using Minho’s products with a disgraceful sense of satisfaction to be back here and he realizes, halfway through washing his hair, that he doesn’t regret what he did with Minho and if he has the chance to repeat it, he would. In a second, in a heartbeat, in an eyeblink.
With that thought in mind, he dresses himself in last night’s clothes and walks to where he last left Minho.
The older boy is still sitting on the stool and already looking at him when Jisung braves himself for eye contact and the gleam in Minho’s eyes is an enough answer. Is the only answer Jisung wants.
Jisung grabs his phone and looks expectedly at Minho. He doesn’t know how to verbalize what they are both thinking and is giving Minho control over everything. The situation and himself.
“See you next saturday.” It's not a question because Minho has no doubt how Jisung will act.
Minho reaches out to Jisung’s collar and fixes it. His hands are cold against Jisung’s warm neck and they bring him closer to Minho’s level until their breaths are mingled and lips touching with every word Minho says. “I missed you.” barely heard but Jisung feels it in the very essence of his being and it sustains him through the next week until saturday.
After that comes another Saturday and then a Tuesday and soon, Minho and Jisung develop some sort of habit. A despicable one but a habit nevertheless.
They tell their friends they worked through their past and differences and they prove it by the civil, friendly attitude they maintain when in public. They joke lightheartedly, they tease each other and they team up to tease the others as if last year never happened and their friends seem to buy it except for Seungmin who is always looking at them like they are an unsolved math problem.
When they are alone, things are different. They don’t talk. They never talk about what is important. Instead, they fuck. Jisung gets the sense that although they don’t talk, they still manage to communicate their feelings.
Sometimes it’s slow and soft that Jisung feels like crying. Sometimes, usually after an unfortunate meeting between Minho and Taeyong, it’s fast and rough and he actually cries for a whole lot of different reasons. One time, they only kissed and fell asleep cuddling and Jisung woke up feeling the same satisfaction he felt the night they went to sleep at dawn and always with the same single thought.
Minho might break his heart by this time tomorrow, but now that he has Minho in his arms again, sadness can be delayed. For a moment, for a while, for eternity.
But all of the stolen happiness he got from his borrowed time with Minho doesn’t make him breakup with Taeyong. Because Minho hasn’t given him a stable ground to stand on. Because the protective shell he has around himself and Minho is actually a water bubble floating over a cactus field. Because his continuous relationship with Taeyong feels like enough punishment for himself and Minho for their past mistakes and their current ones.
But sometimes, in a twisted and perverted sense, Jisung feels like he is cheating on Minho with Taeyong and other times he feels like he is cheating himself with both.
Uncertainty is woven so profoundly with who he is that even after a couple of months of keeping this parade, he doesn’t know what to do except keep it up until Taeyong finds out or Minho ends it. And so with the effort it took Hercules to finish his labors, Jisung manipulates Taeyong and does his utmost best to keep Minho interested and in doing both he keeps his one-man-show of tightrope walking.
******************************************************************************************
Jisung long convinced himself with the likelihood of only two options that a third one never crossed his mind. One that was so out of reach that even his mad hope ignored.
The option where Minho tells him to break up with Taeyong, not out of spite and not to hurt the other boy. But so they can be together.
It comes as a surprise when Jisung and Minho are lying naked on their sides and looking at each other with so much love that Jisung closes his eyes. Hope is dangerous and he can’t help but hope when Minho looks like he is aching for him, like he is longing for more when he has Jisung right where he wants him.
“Break up with him.” Minho whispers, running his fingers through Jisung’s hair. Jisung chokes on nothing and opens his eyes to stare, waiting for more.
“Tell him you cheated on him. That you’ve been cheating on him for months with your ex. Tell him no one can make you feel like I do. Tell him that I am the only one for you.” Minho’s hand travels to Jisung’s neck, pressing hard and robbing him from breath and then easing up.
“Tell me that you never stopped loving me. Tell me you love me still. Tell me you will always love me. Tell-” his voice breaks and he avoids looking into Jisung’s eyes.
“Tell me I am your forever because you are mine.” Jisung’s heart beats faster and his breath hitches with the returned pressure on his windpipe. “Tell me you are mine or I swear to God I will ruin every relationship you might have and ruin you and myself along the way.”
It isn’t an empty threat and Jisung knows it just like he knows how wrong it is to be happy with it. It isn’t a hard choice to make and Jisung makes it in the few seconds it takes to maneuver Minho into his back and straddles him.
“I never stopped loving you.” Jisung kisses Minho’s lips. “I love you.” his nose. “I will always love you.” his eyelids with tears clinging to his eyelashes. “You are my forever.” his temple. “You are mine.” his jaw. “I am yours.” his pulse point.
Jisung kisses every inch of Minho. He worships him and he prays to him like he is the closest thing to divinity.
Jisung, who never knew God, found him in the boy beneath him. Jisung, who never wished for a Promised Land, found it in the dips of Minho’s hips, in his lips, in his eyes.
So Jisung prays. On his knees. Laying on his back half lifted from the bed. Bent over the couch.
He prays all night long and a few hours of the next day.
He prays until he is spent. Until it’s too much. Until it’s not enough again.
******************************************************************************************
Jisung breaks up with Taeyong the next day. He doesn’t tell him about Minho not because he doesn’t want to hurt Taeyong but because he doesn’t want other people to know what he and Minho did and condemn them for it, especially their friends.
He tells Taeyong that they are wrong for each other and can’t continue a relationship they both know is headed to a cliff. Taeyong looks dejected. Maybe he cries, Jisung isn’t sure because right after delivering his news he goes to Minho’s and they cook dinner and eat it watching a shitty horror movie without an ounce of remorse or guilt.
Jisung bled his shame or maybe climaxed it the night Minho told him he still loves him because if he has Minho, he has the world.
They keep the news to themselves a few days more but break it to their friends on their next dinner. Chan looks like he is going through a mental breakdown and asks them why? To which they simply answer by saying they love each other. Hyunjin has a permanent disgusted look throughout the night that seems to ease a bit when Jisung tells him he loves him. Innie, Changbin and Felix look surprised but they tell them they are happy as long as the couple is happy.
Seungmin, though, looks smug. Like he knew all along and was only keeping quiet. When Chan pulls himself together, Seungmin thrust his hands to their friends expectantly.
”Pay up.” he grins and everyone mumbles words of dejections while putting a few bucks in his hands.
”You bet on us?” Jisung sounds scandalized, which is only right because he is scandalized.
”Yes.” he focuses on counting his winnings before looking up at Jisung. “you deserve each other and no offense but Taeyong deserves someone who treats him far better than you ever did.”
Jisung can’t argue with that so he just shrugs and goes back to holding Minho.
Jisung knows they need to work on a lot of things like communication and trust and the slightly concerning obsession and possessiveness but he is optimistic about working through them all. He is convinced that nothing will take away the happiness he has at this moment. He will fight God himself if he has to but for now he will only hold Him.