Chapter Text
Kurt started feeling antsy as soon as the conversation shifted to the subject of Elliot's first time. It was like the whole atmosphere shifted, but no-one could feel it but him. It'd been a great evening, hanging out with Mercedes, Rachel, Jesse, Elliot and Elliot's boyfriend Bryce. And Kurt didn't even mind when the conversation turned to sex.
He laughed along with everyone else when Jesse told the story of how he and his girlfriend at the time had thought they were trapped in an elevator and decided it could be sexy to do it right then and there, but then the elevators doors pinged open and an elderly couple was standing on the other side gaping at them.
It was a funny story, and after all Kurt wasn't a prude. He didn't have anything against sex, or anything against consenting adults having as much of it as they wanted. That wasn't the problem. The problem was now they were all talking about their first times, and it would eventually roll around to Kurt's turn and he had absolutely nothing to say on the topic.
Kurt, twenty-six years old and still a virgin.
When Kurt had moved to New York at the tender age of nineteen, some of his friends had already experienced their first time and some of them hadn't, and it wasn't really a big deal. And considering Kurt had been the only out gay guy in his high-school, it really hadn't been a surprise that he was still a baby penguin – That's what he'd call himself when he and Rachel talked about sex. She'd had her first time with Kurt's step-brother and Rachel's first love, Finn Hudson.
Once she got to New York and started dating around, she had even more sexual exploits to talk about. Not a ton, but enough to make Kurt sigh dramatically and wonder when the touch of the fingertips would stop being the sexiest thing he'd ever experienced.
Then there came Trevor. Kurt's first, grown-up, New York boyfriend. They were both nineteen and from small towns and going to NYADA together, and Kurt had fallen for him fast. The first crush he'd ever had reciprocated. He'd been going out with Trevor for a few months and thought he'd be the one, the one Kurt would finally lose his virginity to, but it didn't work out that way.
NYADA turned out to be too much for Trevor, and as much as he cared about Kurt and New York, he explained that he just couldn't stay. Trevor went back home to Wisconsin, and he had a picture with his new boyfriend up on his Facebook page merely weeks later.
Kurt was hurt, but not deterred. New York was everything he'd wished it to be, even if it was tougher and grittier than imagined, and he felt freer to be himself than he ever had. He met Elliot and had a small crush on him until Elliot's long-time boyfriend Bryce moved to New York and they were so obviously perfect for each other that Kurt's crush quickly turned into friendship.
Elliot and Bryce were maddeningly in love, and when Kurt watched them together his heart would beat a little faster and a little more painfully. Because he'd never had that with Trevor, he'd never had that with anyone, and that was what he wanted. Love. He wanted it so much it hurt and even kept him up at night sometimes, teary-eyed and wishful.
He decided then and there that he was waiting. Not for marriage, but for true love. It was perfectly fine for people to have sex without love, but that wasn't for him. He would happily wait.
However, now here Kurt was, graduated from NYADA, working at a fashion magazine and auditioning for roles, a full-fledged New Yorker who'd never been in love and never had sex and was beginning to think he never would... Sure he had dated in the past several years, but things had never gone that far. Kurt hadn’t felt like that about any of the guys he’d dated.
The only other person at the table who was also a virgin was Mercedes, and she wasn't abashed about it at all. Rachel finished a short, and only slightly teary-eyed tale of her first time with Finn, Jesse leaned in, giving her a kiss to the cheek, and then everyone turned to Mercedes, who was up next. Mercedes smiled broadly at the group, flipping her curly hair behind her shoulder confidently.
"You all know I've never done the dirty." She winked and held up her left hand, a sparkling diamond engagement ring catching the light and everyone's attention. "Next summer though, after Tank and I tie the knot, I promise you, we are going to have a really good time."
Everyone around the table hooted and hollered, Mercedes laughed, and then it was Kurt's turn. His stomach dropped and he didn't feel he was being over-dramatic when he thought he felt a cool sweat break out on his forehead.
The difference between him and Mercedes was that Mercedes knew what she wanted and was getting what she wanted and everyone respected that. Kurt, on the other hand, was tired of waiting. He wanted that kind of intimacy with someone, but couldn't find it, and it left him feeling embarrassed… and alone. So Kurt didn't talk about his lack of experience, and when his friends all just assumed he'd had sex before, he didn't correct them.
He didn't consider it a lie as much as self-protection. He didn't want their advice, or judgment (though, rationally, he knew no-one in this group would judge him), and he really really didn't want their pity. He couldn't stand it if his friends saw him as poor little single Kurt who'd never been in love.
"What about you, Kurt?" Jesse asked, leaning forward. "What was the name of that guy you dated when you first moved here? Travis?"
"Trevor," Kurt corrected him, looking around the table to see all eyes on him.
"So was he your first?"
"I, um…" Kurt cleared his throat and could feel his cheeks burning. "No… Trevor… We uh…" He furrowed his brow and reached for his glass of water to take a sip and give himself another moment to figure out what to say. He felt Mercedes' hand squeeze his knee under the table.
"Kurt isn't the kiss and tell kind of guy," Mercedes spoke up as Kurt swallowed his water and put the glass back down.
"Was your first time that bad?" Bryce joked good-naturedly.
Kurt took a deep breath and put on his best confidently coy smile - he was an actor after all. "Wouldn't you like to know?" Kurt winked, which earned him a laugh around the table, and then the focus mercifully shifted to Elliot, whose first time story Kurt already knew because it had been that hilariously awful and took place at summer camp of all cliché places. Kurt turned to Mercedes, who was smiling kindly at him, and mouthed thank you.
Later that evening, Kurt arrived at his apartment with Mercedes, feeling just a little bit tipsy and very melancholy. He plopped down on his couch and Mercedes did the same next to him. She was staying with him for a week while in town. She lived in California when she wasn't on tour, but always made sure to take good long visits to New York to see her friends. "Especially you, Kurt," she had told him once. "You are my favorite, but for heaven's sake don't tell Rachel!"
"That was a fun night," Mercedes sighed dreamily, the alcohol in her system making her mellow. "I like your friends."
"Mmm," Kurt hummed non-committedly. "They’re your friends too."
"Yes, yes." She leaned her head on Kurt's shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her. "I'm just glad you are surrounded by good people who love you. I would hate for you to be lonely."
Kurt drew in a breath as his eyes started to sting. He let silence overtake them for a moment before he spoke again. "I am lonely."
Mercedes lifted her head to look at him. "Kurt?"
Kurt brushed a tear away from his eye and chuckled humorlessly. "I know how lucky I am. My friends are like my family. And I have my Dad and Carole back home. I have so much more love in my life than some people ever get, but I'm…. god, Cedes, I still feel so lonely sometimes."
"Oh, honey," Mercedes cooed, and she kissed him on the cheek.
"And I've never had sex," Kurt blurted out. "Not even kind of. I've never gone further than making out with someone."
Kurt turned away from Mercedes, not wanting to see the look of surprise on her face, but apparently he didn't need to.
"I didn't think you had," Mercedes said, and Kurt glanced back at her.
"I mean, you told me all about your first make-out session with Trevor, in great detail," Mercedes said with a smirk. "And when you briefly dated that Derek guy last year, you freely told me about fooling around with him too. I guess I figured if you ever did have sex? I would know. You'd tell me… probably in more detail than I needed to know."
Kurt covered his face and groaned. "Oh god, I'm embarrassing."
"No. You're wonderful and my best friend." Mercedes corrected. "You know it’s okay that you haven't had sex, right?"
"I want to, though!" Kurt threw his hands out in frustration. "I really really want to. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I wanted to wait until I was in love, but maybe I'm not the kind of person who falls in love."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." Mercedes said, rolling her eyes. "You are going to fall in love one day, and damn, boy, when you do, you're going to fall hard."
"And what? This guy in his twenties, if we meet soon – in our sixties if things keep going the way they are for me-" Kurt ignored Mercedes’ snort of derision. "And I have to tell him, hey yeah, I'm a sixty-year old virgin, don't let that freak you out!"
"Kurt, honey…"
"No, Cedes, I'm serious. I'm done waiting. I want to have sex."
"Okay."
"And not because I'm horny, but because I've seen my friends go through this, and they are so much more confident and easy with themselves afterwards. And maybe…. Maybe it would help me loosen up and let love in."
"Okay."
"I'm not saying people have to have sex to be confident, but I feel like I'm missing something!"
"Okay."
"And don't try and talk me out of it, because I've made up my mind."
"Okay," Mercedes said with a smile. "I'm not going to stop you."
"Oh." Kurt was silent for a moment, his heart beating hard in his chest. He really did want to just find a guy and have sex and see what all the fuss was about.
"But, Kurt, what about me?" Mercedes spoke up, interrupting his thoughts. "Do you think I'm less confident and easy with myself because I've never had sex?"
"No, you're the most confident person I know, plus you've found love."
"So its love you want? Not sex? Because they go hand in hand sometimes, but they aren't the same thing, and you can often have one without the other."
Kurt sighed. He'd scooted up to the edge of the couch during his rant, but he leaned back now, tilting his head on the back cushion and looking at the ceiling. "I know, but still…. I think, for me, I'd feel better if I just did it, you know? I've waited so long that at this point I've worked it up into something bigger than it is and I don't want that."
"Well, Kurt, if you are just looking for a fling, there are plenty of guys who would be all over that. You are really hot … like, seriously, can't look at you too long because it is like staring into the sun hot."
Kurt laughed and looked at Mercedes, who winked at him. "Shut up."
"We could go back out to a bar and find you a guy right now," Mercedes said, standing up from the couch.
"Wait… Are you serious?"
"If you want to do this, then just do it, Kurt, don't let it haunt you." Mercedes started pulling Kurt up from the couch and Kurt let her, but he was shaking his head.
"No, no. I don't want that… I don't want to just pick up some guy from a bar. I mean, that's… unsafe and…. you know… creepy."
"People do it all the time."
"Mercedes, I don't want that."
Mercedes put a hand on her waist and jutted out her hip in frustration. She thought for a minute and then a smile grew on her face. "I have the greatest idea."
She rushed over to the counter that separated the apartment's living room from the kitchen and grabbed her iPad that was charging there. She typed something in and scrolled for a minute before she came back to Kurt, pushing him down on the couch and then passing the tablet to him.
"Go on," she smirked. "Pick someone out."
Kurt scrunched up his brow in confusion for a moment as he looked at a screen with rows of barely dressed men staring back at him. Then his eyebrows shot up in the air. "Oh my god! Cedes! You want me to hire a prostitute?!"
"Male escort," Mercedes corrected, "And look, this place seems legit. You hire them through a service that vouches for each of their employees and you meet them at a hotel of your choosing so they don't know where you live. It is all on the up-and-up."
"It scares me how fast you found this site."
Mercedes rolled her eyes.
"I hope you aren't joking," Kurt said, his stomach tightening in both excitement and nerves, "because I'm actually considering this."
"Good. Do it."
Kurt started to get more and more comfortable with the idea as he thought about it. If he just hired someone, there would be no trolling bars, there would be no awkward morning after, there would be no worrying that he went home with a psycho, it was easy and well organized. It was a quick and simple way to just have sex and be done with it.
His excitement started to wane, though, as he and Mercedes continued to scroll through the site. "Oh my gosh!" Mercedes laughed, pointing at one man's description "Well hung, 8 inches of pure bliss," she read out loud, choking on her laughter "If you want to see god, give me a call!"
"Uuuh, no…" Kurt said, looking at the profile of the muscle-bound guy with a goatee.
Mercedes was cracking up by now.
"In the list of things this guy does, it says 'feet’," Kurt said, also starting to laugh. "What does that even mean? Toys, roleplay and feet?"
"I don't want to know." Mercedes said wiping a tear from her eye.
Kurt sighed as his laughter faded out. "Cedes, I can't do this. Half of these pictures are just chests and penises and the other half look like porn stars on steroids. I can't… Where are the normal-looking guys? I just want a regular person." Kurt started to feel that heavy dejected feeling in his chest again.
"Kurt, you should let me pick someone," Mercedes said, taking the iPad from him.
Kurt raised an eyebrow dubiously.
"You trust me, right? Who knows you better than I do? I promise I won't pick any guy who has his dick measurement in the description and I will find you someone…. Normal-looking."
"Yeah, I mean… but still cute?"
"Obviously."
Kurt nodded. "Okay, because I think if I had to pick him myself, I would never actually choose."
"I've got this," Mercedes smiled. "Go start your face-cleansing routine and let me look."
Kurt agreed and went back to his room to get ready for bed. When he came back out half an hour later, fresh faced and in his pajamas Mercedes had pulled out the sofa sleeper and was already in her pajamas as well. Kurt plopped down next to her.
"I found the perfect guy. I mean it - perfect." Mercedes grinned at him.
"You're sure?"
"I better be. I already booked him."
Kurt's eyes widened in shock. "You did not."
"Yup. Tomorrow evening. You have him all night."
"Tomorrow? All night?" Kurt squeaked, his heart hammering in his chest. "Mercedes!"
"Hey, you can always back out if you really don't want to do it. No pressure, Kurt. But you seemed serious, and I thought you should just bite the bullet."
Kurt drew in a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah… Yeah, you're right. Tomorrow, though?"
"I wanted to still be in town when it happened. I'm not gonna lie, I'll want details afterwards."
“Well, at least let me see his picture.”
“Nope, you’ll nit-pick and find an excuse to not go through with this. You just have to trust me. He is perfect for your first time.”
Kurt narrowed his eyes at her for a moment, but she was serious, and probably right. Finally, he smiled and shook his head, leaning down to kiss Mercedes' cheek. "You're a good friend."
"I am the best friend." Mercedes yawned, and Kurt got up from the bed to go to his room, but he turned back at the hall to look at Mercedes.
"What's his name?"
"Hum?" Mercedes sighed sleepily.
"The guy you picked out, what's his name?"
"His name is Blaine." And with that, Mercedes curled up under the covers and closed her eyes.
Kurt went to his own room and lay in bed awake for much too long, just one thought running through his mind. "His name is Blaine."