Hell is a house party

by Making_an_account_is_so_hard

Summary:

Okay so Cameron geller has a ton of characters but there are no fanfictions about any of them, so I'm making the first :)

Jack Hoffman was an average man, and average man who died and who's life will be much more interesting... In hell

Chapter 1: Welcome to hell

I was driving down the dim lit and drenched road, my brother wanted me to bring this over to his house, the surroundings were mostly just the black lands and the light gray skies, with a few tree silhouettes every once in a while, only really seeing the road covered in water, and the rain being clear off by the windshield wiper the consistent droplets and the engine running being the only thing to hear other than the occasional thought. I should get my seatbelt repaired.

Huh i thought i saw something, might've just been my head playing tricks on me, oh "OH SHIT, MOOSE!" I immediately tried swerving away but…

My head slammed right into the steering wheel, my nose in pieces and bleeding out, then I fell on the other side of the car, I pulled my phone out but it was almost impossible to see what was happening, luckily I remembered where I could dial 911.

"Hello 911 what's your emergency" a quiet British man spoke.

"Hel-he-help, I crashed i-into a moose, bleeding!" I could barely understand myself, my vision going by the minute.

He sounded worried and asked me an unnecessary amount of questions.

"P-please, just send me help, Joanna highway in in in, J-Joy Ville."

They then finally got to giving me help, i-i can barely even see or feel anything anymore.

I'm probably not gonna make it, poor boy

—--------------------------------------------------------

Huh, I'm alive?

I was on a cold hard surface, there were faint sounds of screaming from afar. Ouch, my nose! I gripped onto it slowly opening my eyes, the ground is… glowing a light blue? I am dead aren't i?

"That's right! Hello there you sinner, welcome to hell! I'm Joanne and I'll be your hell guide, so just follow me." She was slightly shorter than me, she had long black hair and she's wearing a black robe, and she had dark pink eyeshadow. She grabbed my hand and started pulling me around.

"Hi I'm Jack, so I'm in hell? Do you know why I'm here?"

I started looking around at the long ass hallway. everything was sky blue with clouds, there were plain white doors, no signs or labels.

"I don't know, you did something worth coming here, unless the sorting dude made another oopsie" Joanne made a stop at one of the millions of plain, white doors.

"Who is the sorting dude?"

"Ugh he's Harold, He's horrible, honestly i've been trying to get rid of him for 70 years but he just won't die!" She shaked her arm above her head before opening the door.

"Anyways, here's the hell i was told to put you in, this is a good one honestly. So this door leads to your room. Feel free to make yourself at home and don't eat all the food immediately you only get more on Wednesday."

"Uh okay, thanks Joanne i best be going now" i walk backwards in the door and i fall like two feet to the floor of the room

"Ouch."

—--------------------------------------------------------

I got up from the floor and there's a dark brown door surrounded by pale yellow walls. In the corner there's a bed, white pillow cover and sheet, with a black blanket. in another corner there's a lamp glowing a warm yellow light.

A quick knocking sound echoed through the room coming from my door. I walked over, bracing myself for what my indefinite torture would be.

"Non threatening greetings new human!" A super tall blue haired woman spat loudly into my face before I slammed the door shut and she screeched like a pterodactyl and started cussing me out.

Nope not now.

—--------------------------------------------------------

After a few hours I peeked my head out of my bedroom. That lady is gone now at least, thank god! But there is a short man holding a red solo cup in an oversized suit jacket with a tag still attached. Did he just buy that Jacket?

I walked outside the room and made my way to the living(?) room.

"Ah! Stay back, I have a weapon!" He pulled a pocket knife out of his cup. I started backing away "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!!"

"Fine, but watch yourself mister….?"

"Jack Hoffman, okay I'll get going" I put my back to the wall, and I slid away from him as he's still pointing the knife at my face.

I was in the living(?) room with the same pale yellow walls with a navy blue couch and a glass coffee table on the other side of the room there's a tv, it's just playing some music on Pandora.

On the couch there were two men, one was a man who was slightly shorter than me in a suit sitting with his legs crossed, with a wine glass. and another shorter man who has a blue sweater over a white long sleeve button up, he has glasses that nearly hide his terrified look, he has on arm on the wheelchair next to him so i guess it's his.

On the other side of the room there's a dark red wooden table, and there was the scary blue haired lady, with an ice pack? Yikes! and there's also a man in a red white and blue plaid button up and beanie next to her just fiddling his thumbs glancing at her

"Oh hey, new man, I'm rich parentson!" He got up from his chair, came to me to shake my hand aggressively

"Hey I'm Jack, wait, is your name short for Richard?"

"No rich is short for rich, obviously, like what, is your name jackson?!" He said sarcastically, I honestly still don't know if his actual name is Richard.

"Uh yes, my name legal name is Jackson but nobody calls me it so I'm just jack"

"Well if that's how that works then I guess I'm just dick!" He stopped shaking my head and went back to the couch.

"Uh okay" in front of me there a open door leading to the abnormally long kitchen and dining room, i went into this room it had white tile flooring and to one side light brown wood looking counters with the top looking like diorite i think, the cabinets above had that same wood look as the counters, there were some people in black cushion bar stool

One had a stained white button up with broken glasses and the other had a yellow bucket hat, white tank top and red shorts

"Uh hey I'm jack I'm new here, who are you two?"

"Nice to meet you, I'm Freddy frugal, this is my son noah!" He shaked my hand for a split second before patting noah on the back "hey"

"Nice to meet you two, so does everyone just sit here in complete silence all the time?"

"Oh no, we're just waiting on Caleb to finish dinner, he's making ribs tonight!" He pointed to the backyard door, the window had a teal and orange sunset, and no land outside, is Caleb invisible? Is this hell just waiting on someone who doesn't exist?

I walked past the comically long table, there were like 40 chairs on that thing.

 

When I opened the door there was still barely any land, the outside of the house was simply black and white, it was on a green hill, the backyard was marked with a white picket fence but there wasn't anything beyond them, no trees, no houses, no land.

—--------------------------------------------------------

But there was a grill and a man with a white hoodie and tank top over it, wearing black shorts and flip-flops and a backwards baseball cap, he was just standing on his phone

"Hey there, Caleb right? I'm jack" i walked up to him, then he looked up from his phone

"Oh uh hey, yes?"

"So uh, tell me what's going on here? Why's there nothing outside of the backyard?"

"Oh uh, i don't- magic i guess- we just can't leave this house okay?"

"Huh, you don't say…" i looked around at the environment, now that i look more, there's no clouds or sun anywhere

"Yeah- um welcome to hell…" caleb shrugged and walked up to put on an oven mitt and opened

Chapter 2: Gay bois

Summary:

Boring shit and robin being a girl

I paced inside the house, and past the long ass table. Caleb followed behind me.

"Hey Jack, can you get everyone for me? except Emily and Glen, they're vegans." he placed his ribs on the table heading to the other side of the kitchen to get a knife

"Okay, i can try that, uh which ones are Glen and Emily?" I start walking outside of the kitchen. Noah and Freddy sat down at the table close to where the ribs were.

"Glen usually has a plant or a dead animal… and Emily just has blue hair, you literally cannot miss her." Ah fuck, Caleb's talking about that demon.

"Okay yeah I'll be back." i went into the living room and immediately told the two men on the couch, i almost considered telling the man in a beanie about it, but Emily demon girl was right there, so I'll probably just go somewhere else.

In the hallway there were some doors, some had plates with labels on them, such as 'professional gold digger' and 'going deeper'

But other doors had just blank plates, I guessed they're for people who haven't died yet, surprisingly I don't have more questions about this afterlife, like who are these people? What have they done to be here? What have I done to be here? i mean i wasn't the best, but i don't think i was that bad.

I knock on the 'going deeper' door "hey dinners ready, it's ribs, if you're not the vegan one then come join us."

A door opened behind me and a short, blonde to red ombre haired lady, in a long floral cardigan, holding a water flask came out. "oh hey there, who are you…" she looked me up and down, sipping out her bottle.

"I'm Jack, what about you?"

"I'm Anita, so what's a man like you doing down here exactly?"

"I don't know, maybe gayness really is a sin" i put my hands on my hips and leaned towards her.

"Hahahaha oh that's a good one, haha…. Oh oh, you're gay, uh, well I'm gonna go get those ribs before fred or Justin takes them all" she just slowly walks away, looking down.

I went down the hallway more just repeatedly telling people to come and eat dinner, until i got to a door with 'professional vegan' on it. Okay… probably gotta avoid that one, so i knocked on a door titled 'prepared for anything'

"Uh hey dinners done, feel free to join us." I whispered, wiggling the doorknob trying to alert them of my presence.

"I'm right here actually" the knife guy from before poked my back i jumped back screaming

"Yeah I'm never in that room, I would never let someone know where I'm sleeping, that's how you get killed in your sleep!"

"Okay then, well it's dinner, we're having ribs"

"Oh no, i ate plenty of food to survive and thrive for the next week earlier today" he jolted away from me to the living room for who knows what reason

"Uh what was that? Who are you!" A small guy came out of the door labeled 'professional vegan' she had short curly light brown hair and he was wearing a white and blue sweater with some silvery framed glasses

"Oh uh I'm Jack, I was just told to tell everyone about dinner but it's ribs so I guess you'll have to make something yourself. I'm assuming you're vegan right?"

"Uh yeah, I can't believe you would associate yourself with these meat eaters, never mind, of course a man like you would eat meat!" She paced away, well i mean, he isn't wrong honestly.

I decided to continue walking forward and I saw a plate saying 'professional procrastinator' I decided to knock on the door only to hear "I'll eat later thanks!"

I also knocked up on a door saying 'professional pick me' and a very tiny girl with a black baseball cap popped out from the room "what?"

"There's food?" I point to the kitchen

"Oh okay " she closes the door

I then come across a door with a plate saying 'professional criminal' wait what?

"Oh uh hey! I'm robin, uh i can't come out, i have business that needs taking care off" a tiny girl with short black and a beanie hair opens a crack in the door

"Uh well there's dinner"

"Thanks but bye" she closes the door, huh there's some red stuff on the door

After a long while i head to the dining room, with the massive table and quite a few different people sitting at it a lovely purple and orange sunset pouring light into the room the knife guy was near the door with his eyes wide open darting across the room

I grab a steak knife and cut off a couple of ribs for myself, and i get some milk out of the fridge before sitting at the table

"Oh uh hey? I've never seen you before, uh i-i'm chase" a younger looking man in a green button up holding a red solo cup sitting across me spoke

"Hey, I'm jack, honestly it makes sense you haven't seen me before, i just arrived" after i spoke i started gnawing down on one of my ribs

"Uhuh, well that's um cool, I'm chase, no wait, uhh… so how are you enjoying dinner?"

I swallowed a bit of food before speaking "it's pretty good, i do have a question though"

"Oh uh what is it uh jack?"

"Uh i don't mean to be rude, but why do some of the people here seem so weird?" I whisper to him

"Oh ummmm i don't know, i-that's just how they are" he waves his hands around the place

"Ah okay" i take a sip of my milk eating more of my food

Later on I walked a bit through the hallway, has it gotten longer?

I find my room, i see a plate i hadn't before 'doesn't trigger the gaydar'? Wait what? Why is that here, why couldn't these have just been our names

I enter my plain minimalist room, maybe I'll eventually decorate or something, i lay down on the bed eventually falling asleep under the dim lamp

The next morning I'm in the dining and everyone was there and everyone was loud trying to be heard over the crowd but just making it even louder, i sat myself next to caleb and chase eating some fruit salad

"Oh hey jack!" Caleb said spitting out a bit of milk from his cereal

"Hey" i wave to him

"So how was your first day in hell!?"

"Eh, it's quite alright, what's the deal with that uhh" i snapped my fingers "oh i don't think i got his name, he uh moves around a lot and and wears a oversized suit he pulled a knife out on me"

"Oh uh, are you talking about Justin Case?" Chase said pointing to me

"Uh yeah, what's his deal?"

"I don't know, i did hear him talking to bushy, i think he wanted to get lessons from him i think, so they'll probably be busy if that makes you feel better"

"Yeah i guess, what is bushy teaching justin"

"Nothing, bushy is just insane, he tried killing my mom by feeding her poisonous fruit"

"Oookay, I'll steer clear of him"

"Good" they said in unison

(Hey writer here, i don't really know how to continue the story elsewise so i was thinking of maybe showing other POVs i have an idea or two, but yeah sorry nothing much happened in this chapter)