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DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE? > > >
...He really doesn’t.
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Kel used to fall asleep so easily. But that hasn’t been true in a long time.
After lying awake for a lifetime, he can feel a familiar weight settle onto the edge of his bed. He stretches an arm out invitingly. The knot in his stomach loosens a little as Sunny slides in beside him.
He keeps his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to see the bloody mess of Sunny’s chest. He just wraps his arm around Sunny’s clammy shoulder and pulls him in closer. When he starts twisting his fingers in the soft hair at the nape of his neck, Sunny lets out a contented little hum, like he used to when they were kids.
Everyone always spoiled Sunny. Patting his head, scratching his back. Wrapping him up in your favorite sweater after he forgot his. It probably wasn’t good for him, but it just felt so nice. Probably ‘cause everything about Sunny was so painfully honest. His emotions, especially. Sunny couldn't fake a reaction if he tried. When he smiled, it was true to the bone. Like looking directly at the sun.
Kel can feel cold fingers tracing the line of his collar.
“I wouldn't have touched you like this,” Sunny reminds him.
“I know.”
“Or I already would have.”
“Yeah.”
“I liked when you touched me, though. I really liked being touched.”
Kel huffs a laugh. “Pfft. Yeah. You were always kind of a brat.”
He still doesn’t look, but he can hear the scowl in Sunny’s voice. “It's not nice to speak ill of the dead.”
“Hah. Yeah. I always thought that was kinda dumb. I mean, it’s not like they’re gonna mind. Isn’t it meaner to shit-talk someone who might actually hear you?”
“Point,” Sunny concedes, pushing up on one elbow.
Kel can’t resist. He opens his eyes in time to see Sunny grin, just the briefest flash of teeth. Sunny’s eyes are empty holes.
###
Eventually, Kel falls asleep.
It’s one of those weird dreams, where Sunny is a little kid for some reason. But at least this one isn’t full of bloody holes.
“Sunny!!” Kel greets him, beaming.
“I told you to stop calling me that.”
“Haha, yeah, right! What was it again? I don’t really remember this game…”
Baby Sunny rolls his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Why are you here?"
“Huh? Pff… What, am I not on the guest list? Did you have plans today or something?”
“No. But this place isn’t for you. I think it might be—bad. For… people like you.” His face hardens. “I think it was bad for Sunny.”
“But I like it here!!! It’s kind of… I dunno. I can’t explain it. But for some reason, it… sort of feels like Sunny? Does that make sense?”
“No,” Baby Sunny says flatly. But there’s a familiar glint in his eye. Sunny used to look like that when he was laughing at you, not with you. “All the more reason to stay away. Sunny gave up. He lost. You shouldn’t be moping around after some dead kid you only saw for three days out of the last five years.”
“Haha. Y-Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“So you’ll stop coming?”
“Nnn….no?” Kel thinks about it. “No, I’ll probably keep coming. Sorry.”
“Ugh. You people are all the same. But, fine. If you’re going to be like that, I’ll try to find his stupid ghost.”
“Wh– Huh?? But—isn’t that what you’re supposed to be?”
Baby Sunny gives him a scathing look. “Why would Sunny’s ghost be twelve?”
“….Because it’s a dream? Or it’s… when my fondest memories are from, or something?”
“Oh, right, because it’s all about you,” rolling his eyes. “Be right back.”
Huh. This is… sort of a weird dream, actually. When you stop to think about it.
Kel is vaguely aware that dreams are supposed to mean a bunch of different things. Like, if you dream about your teeth falling out, it means you’re losing control of your life, or… need to find a new dentist, or whatever. And if you dream about finding a big pot of leprechaun gold, maybe you’re about to find a big pot of leprechaun gold?
So maybe he should talk to someone. A fortune-teller or a therapist or something. He could at least look it up online. What does it mean if you dream a bunch of weird alter-egos of your dead best friend? Though it might not take a fortune teller to figure that one out. You’re grieving, idiot. You’re all hung up on someone who you’ll never see again, so your stupid lizard brain is filling in the space.
Then the air around him sort of—stutters, and Sunny is standing in front of him.
It’s not baby Sunny this time. Not bleeding-from-the-chest Sunny, either. This one looks almost exactly how he did the last time he was alive, except with all the color drained out of him. He’s as white as a sheet of printer paper.
On the bright side, he also looks a lot less miserable.
The second Sunny spots Kel, he lights up. Fingers curled, eyes bright and disbelieving. Then he takes a longer look, and his face falls. “…Kel.”
“S-Sunny?” It comes out as a pathetic little croak.
Sunny shrinks a little more. “You. Look so sad.”
“Haha.” Kel tries for a smile, but it doesn’t fit. He gives up. It’s not like it matters. Too little too late. “Y-Yeah. Um. I guess.”
“Why?”
Kel winces. How do you tell a guy, Well, buddy, it’s ~mostly~ ‘cause you kinda ruined my life. A little. Or a lot, maybe. How do you say, Those three days I spent with you were the happiest I’d been in four years. I’m probably not as happy as you think, actually. It just seemed that way ‘cause you only saw me when I was with you. “Uh…”
“Oh,” Sunny says quietly. “Sorry.”
“O-Oh. Huh. Is that, like, dream stuff? You know what I’m thinking ‘cause we’re in my head?”
“What? No. You’re just obvious.”
Kel stares. Sunny stares back at him.
“...This is weird,” Kel decides. He talks to Sunny a lot, in one way or another. When he’s really tired, sometimes he even gets an answer. But his hallucinations aren’t usually this nice. And none of them have ever sounded so much like… well, Sunny. (How he imagines that Sunny would have sounded, anyway, if he'd opened his mouth even once after opening that door. The last time Kel actually heard Sunny’s voice, they were in middle school.) “Why are you… Or. I mean. You sound sort of… different? When I see you, you… don't usually sound like this.”
Sunny’s eyes widen. “You’re. You—see me?”
“Well, yeah.”
“You don’t mean— Do you mean Omori?”
“Omori,” Kel says, with relief. “I don’t know why I can never remember that. But, um. No. Not the kid one. The other one.”
“When?”
“At night, mostly? Like, when I can’t sleep and stuff. So, um. I guess, like, most nights?”
“But that’s not me,” Sunny says urgently. “That’s just something you made up.” His forehead scrunches. “...Is he mean?”
“Uh.” Kel doesn’t know how to answer that. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
Sunny’s mouth tightens. “Well. He— What you’re seeing. You know it’s not me.”
Uhhh… “Well, yeah. ‘Cause you’re… you know.” Dead. “But it’s the same for you, right? It’s just… all the different ways I saw you, or whatever. Memory soup.”
“No.”
“N-No?”
“No. But it’s fine. I just.” Sunny hesitates. “Don’t want you to… hurt yourself. Especially not using me.”
“Haha,” Kel says unhappily. “Well. I, uh. Don’t really need to go out of my way for that, bud.”
Sunny’s head tilts. He doesn’t get it.
“Because. You know.” But Sunny just keeps staring, like he genuinely doesn’t. Kel takes a second to remind himself that Sunny is dead, and can’t get his feelings hurt. “Because, um. You’re the one who hurt me?”
Sunny’s face crumples. Kel can feel it in his marrow, a leaden sort of ache. Sunny couldn’t fake a reaction if he tried. When he cried, it wasn’t ‘cause he wanted something, or was trying to make you feel bad or whatever. It was just because he felt sad.
It’s weird. There’s no light in this Sunny, no blood or breath. But he still feels so real. True, in a way that the real Sunny felt. Kel’s stupid waking nightmares never make him feel like this.
Kel opens his mouth to press him on it and hears himself say, “Can I touch you?”
He isn’t expecting to see Sunny flush violently. None of the other Sunnys have ever done that. Mostly they say yes, if his subconscious is feeling generous and/or merciless, and then they remind him that his stupid little fantasy is a total delusion. Or else they say no, and remind him that if Sunny had wanted Kel to touch him, he would have stayed where Kel could reach him.
There’s still no pigment in Sunny’s skin, but his cheeks are flushed with an appealing shade of gray. “-–What.”
“...Please?” Kel isn’t above begging. “I just. Miss you so bad.”
Sunny’s hands curl in the fabric of his shirt. His eyes are wide and round. Not fearful, just—frozen. Like his brain is still buffering.
“Sorry,” Kel mutters. He doesn’t know why he’s apologizing to a dream, but whatever. Brains are stupid. “I thought it might be okay. You used to like it when–”
“Okay,” Sunny whispers.
“Huh?”
“Okay. You can—Yes.”
“Oh, thank god.” Kel goes limp with relief. “I don’t know what I was gonna do if you said no.”
They’re at some kind of waiting area, a train station or something. So it’s the easiest thing in the world for Kel to flop back onto the nearest bench and pull Sunny in close. Sunny’s still standing, but he’s so short that, even with Kel sitting, he’s only got a few inches on him. Just enough for Kel to tuck his head under Sunny’s chin and wrap both arms and legs around him, like a big hairless koala. “Thank youuuu.”
After a moment, one of Sunny’s hands comes up to pat tentatively at the back of Kel’s head. Kel sighs contentedly and buries his face in Sunny's chest. Sunny's hands are cold but they're steadily warming, winter turning to spring. It's good. It’s so good. Wow, waking up is maybe actually going to kill him.
“Let me see you,” Kel says, on impulse. It’s been almost a year since he got to see Sunny without a bunch of bloody holes in him. He loosens his grip just enough that he can look up into Sunny’s face.
And wow, yeah. That is so much better. Sunny’s got both his eyes and everything. Which is nice, except that he also looks… kind of sad. Not just sad. Pained? Sort of tormented, actually.
Kel lets go right away. But to his surprise, Sunny catches him by the wrist before he can pull away. Kel can feel a charge humming from his grip, like static electricity.
Sunny was always so pretty. Kel knew he wasn’t supposed to think so, but he couldn’t help it.
“Sunny,” he whispers, reaching up to cup the side of Sunny's face.
Sunny closes his eyes and leans into his touch. Kel’s chest thrums. Oh, god, this is so stupid. He’s being so stupid. He’s gonna do all this stupid shit and then he’s going to wake up in the dark, alone, and it’s actually going to kill him.
But Kel was never known for his impulse control.
"Sunnyyy," he breathes again, sliding his other hand around the back of Sunny's neck. Sunny's eyes startle wide, and the way he's looking at Kel… Like he can really see him. Like he really would have wanted this.
Kel moves to close the space—
And then Sunny basically backflips out of range, leaving Kel fumbling an armful of empty air.
“Right,” Kel mutters. “Right, yeah, of course. Sorry. Thought my dumb brain was gonna throw me a bone there, haha. But of course you wouldn’t—”
“N-No,” Sunny cuts in. He's still flushed, his breaths short and shallow. “I. Um. It’s. Seems. Doesn’t it seem—not smart? Because it’s. Too late.”
Kel doesn’t really get it, but whatever. “Okay. I’m sorry. Can I still hug you? I swear I won't try that again. Scouts honor.”
“...You were never a boy scout.”
“Okay, sure, but those guys don’t have a patent on honor. I got honor for days!!”
Sunny's mouth ticks up. “Obviously.” He presses his eyes shut, looking agonized. “I don't want to hurt you.”
“Pffft.”
Sunny opens his eyes to glare. But it's his ‘make that make sense’ glare, not his ‘you're dead to me’ glare.
“Sorry, sorry,” Kel snorts, raising his hands in surrender. “Just. A little late for that, bud.”
Sunny looks miserable. “Kel. I—wasn’t who you thought. I’m. Not a good person.”
…Huh. Well, that’s a new one. If this is Kel’s brain trying to trick him into missing Sunny less, it’s a nice gesture, but it is definitely not gonna work. “Okay. So can I hug you again, or…?”
Sunny huffs, but his mouth is twitching. “...Fine.”
This time, Kel opens his arms and waits for Sunny to come to him. The knot in his throat doesn't loosen till he feels Sunny relax against him.
“I’m being selfish,” Sunny says quietly. “Again.”
“Oh, yeah?”
Sunny gives him a sharp look. “Yes.”
“Cool. Then I guess maybe me too?”
“No. I’m being selfish. You’re just being stupid.”
“Eh heh heh,” Kel chuckles, possibly more delighted than anyone has ever been to be called stupid. “Yeah. Totally.”
Sunny sighs, but goes back to petting him. “...Can I ask you something?”
“Yuh huh, sure! What’s up?”
“Why did you try to save me?”
“Huh???” Kel almost gets angry before he remembers that he doesn’t do that. “What kind of question is that?”
Sunny shrugs.
Kel huffs grumpily. “Well, I dunno, Sunny. Probably ‘cause you’re my best friend, and I love you, and I missed you all the time, and I love you, and I didn’t wanna never see you again.”
“Oh.” Sunny chews that over. “Hm.”
“Pffft. What, you don’t like it?”
“No, it’s—” He shakes his head, looking frustrated. “I wish I could explain. But it’s too late. But, Kel. You should— Or. Look. If anyone could have saved me, it would have been you.”
After everything, that’s what breaks him. Because it isn’t fair, hearing something like that now. After Kel already failed. After he let Sunny look at Basil’s bloody corpse and then walk off into the night, alone. After he let Sunny disappear into his dark empty house full of everything that had ever gone wrong, and open the cutlery drawer, and take out the—
Kel knew what Sunny was like. He knew Sunny wasn’t okay. After Mari, Sunny spent four years lost in himself, and then when he finally found the courage to open the door, it happened again. Again.
Of course Sunny wouldn’t stay. There was nothing for him here, not even Kel, who was supposed to be his best friend, but was too busy crying on the floor to even see when Sunny left. Too busy throwing his own little pity party to see that Sunny was sinking. Disappearing again. But this time for good.
Kel waited for Sunny for so long. He swore that he’d do better if he got another chance, and then what does he do the second things get hard? He falls on the floor and lets Sunny walk away. He lets Sunny die alone.
###
Kel wakes up crying. His pillow is soaked. His eyes are swollen raw, peeled grapes left too long in the sun. He retches, swallows bile and bitter salt.
From the foot of his bed, Sunny’s eyeless, bloodied body glares down at him. “Pathetic.”
Kel tries to laugh and chokes on it.