New )(eiress

by Verdant_Phoenix

Notes:

I do not own homestuck. Unfortunately, because if I did I'd have some *fun* with canon.

NOTE: IF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SUBSCRIBED TO UPDATES, THERE HAS BEEN NO ACTUAL UPDATE. I HAVE JUST RE-COMPILED THE CHAPTERS INTO MORE EVEN LENGTHS BY COMBINING THE SHORTER CHAPTERS, AND MADE SOME MINOR CORRECTIONS/CLARIFICATIONS.

I can't guarantee that this is a sign that posting in earnest will resume shortly, but hopefully this jogs my brain.

Chapter 1

John wasn’t, and then, quite suddenly, he was. These zappy powers are giving me a headache. Sure are handy for avoiding Jade though, she nearly had me there. I don’t know what she wants with me exactly, but it can’t possibly be anything good. The Heir of Breath studied the location into which he had suddenly been inserted by his yet-to-be-named Retcon powers, suddenly hearing…

DAVE: AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
JOHN: hi dave!
JOHN: what's so funny?

The Knight whirled around, acting like a Consort caught with its hand in Nannasprite’s cookie jar. (Even though Nannasprite would inevitably distribute cookies to anyone who so much as glanced at the piles she would accumulate, she never turned down the chance to get some prank-based recompense at the expense of anyone taking them without permission. And with the mysterious powers of grandmothers everywhere, she could always tell apart her several thousand honorary consort-grandchildren.)

DAVE: whoa
DAVE: john
JOHN: what were you looking at there...
JOHN: hey, are you crying?
DAVE: what
DAVE: no

Dave swiftly capchalogued the pile of photographs he was staring at, not wanting the conversation to get off track. After all, he had a lot of questions to ask about what, exactly, was going on.

JOHN: ...
DAVE: i mean i was just laughing too hard at something dumb
DAVE: you know how it is
JOHN: heh, yeah.
JOHN: can i see?
DAVE: no its nothing
DAVE: where the fuck have you been
DAVE: do you remember what happened since we got here
JOHN: yes.
DAVE: well
DAVE: are you gonna fill me in or keep floating there in the most uninformative way possible

John was about to open his mouth when the wind brushed up against his skin. While any mortal would have dismissed it as meaningless, as the Heir of Breath, John was guided and protected by his aspect in a way no mortal, and few gods, could quite understand, and based on the context he knew immediately what the wind was trying to tell him: it’s time to get out of dodge.

JOHN: uh oh.
JOHN: dave, i have to go!
DAVE: what
DAVE: why
JOHN: i can't hang around in one place for too long.
JOHN: let's catch up later, ok?

Dave started to protest, but John simply let out an extended sigh, as his body began unwinding into the Breath itself, a form that not even the troublingly Grimbark Witch of Space on her way to this very location could tie down, when suddenly…

With a burst of WHITE light Jade appeared out of no-where, somehow quicker than even teleportation should have allowed, and without the signature First Guardian energy burst, the green that characterized her unique Dog-tier powers. The shock of her arrival momentarily causing John to freeze up provided his mind-controlled ectosister the perfect opportunity to attack, her doggy might shoving his still partially corporeal body to collide with the wall. As his consciousness fades at the same rate that his body re-solidifies, one last word echoed in John’s head. Fuck.

JADE: finally
JADE: you know, this whole chase thing was just really inconvenient on everyone’s part!!!
JADE: trust me, this is at least partially for your sake, and you’ll benefit from it just as much as anyone else
JADE: maybe even more!
JADE: the old lady has been waiting for you, she has told me so much about you, stuff that neither of us knew! although i might have been able to guess it…
JADE: it will be a regular family reunion :)
JADE: actually, that’s probably jinxing it, im pretty sure family reunions usually go awfully
JADE: … oh right, youre unconscious, you can’t hear me :/

The wolf-girl turns, regarding her original target with an air of disdain. Retrieving the Heir was her top priority order, so there was no real reason to delay her return to deal with the Knight of Time.

JADE: hi dave, good news, your help is no longer required, so you can just sorta… chill here, I guess, so long as you dont get in anyones way? :/

Before the befuddled Dave could respond, Jade, along with John’s unconscious body, were transported away to Derse, a pulse of green light the only thing left behind to show their short-lived presence in his home. The pair appeared in front of the throne of the new Black Queen, AKA: Her Imperious Condescension, AKA: Empress of the former Alternian Empire, The Batterwitch, the Thief of Life, and uncountable titles besides, earned and stolen through an unnaturally long lifetime of conquest and bloodshed. Despite the grand titles and honors she could, and usually would, happily lay claim to, the moniker most relevant to her current interests, despite the fact that it would never appear on any official list and few would dare to even think of her by it, would be her title as the mother of one June Crocker.

John awoke in a haze, blinking as he tried to remember what happened. Let’s see… I arrived early, and then everyone else showed up, and then… JADE! Right, Jade turned all evil. I avoided her for a while, but then she caught me. Wait, she caught me! Where am I? He opened his eyes quickly, looking around the room. It was… odd, to say the least. Gaudy purple walls, a large bed with deep pink (or… fuschia?) blankets, a large wardrobe, and a desk with a computer, practically the same as the one he had in his bedroom at home. In fact… That is my computer from home! Where am I?

There were no windows in the strange bedroom he found himself in, but there were two doors: one smaller and cracked open, leading into what seemed like a bathroom, from what he could see from his position propped up in the bed, and the other one larger and almost resembling a hatch, like one would see in a battleship’s interior. As John got up, pushing the covers to the side, he noticed he was still clad in his God Pyjamas, chuckling slightly despite his nervousness at the irony of actually using his magical outfit as pajamas.

As he was suspecting, when he tried to open the hatch-door, it refused to budge. Alright, so I’m in some sort of weirdly luxurious prison, considering I’m probably being imprisoned by whoever turned Jade and my kid-nanna evil. I could do the windy thing to get out of here, but that door feels airtight. So I guess I’m stuck here until my weird zappy powers kick in?

The hero of Breath next turned his attention to his Sylladex, only to feel a strange resistance to accessing it. While normally, retrieving or storing items was as easy as thinking it, a trait that had caused some trouble during his entry to Sburb years ago when still getting used to the mechanics of the almost magical storage method, he found his thoughts… glancing off some boundary. No matter how hard he thought about accessing the storage abstraction, his thoughts seemed to drift away right before turning the figurative key. Clutching his hands to his head in frustration, he made a further unwelcome discovery: There was some sort of hard, cool ring resting on his head. A sinking feeling in his gut began to deepen as he rushed into the bathroom and stared into the mirror, confirming his fear: A bright red tiara rested on his head, looking the same as the device controlling the Maid of Life.

Chapter 2

Notes:

NOTE: IF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SUBSCRIBED TO UPDATES, THERE HAS BEEN NO ACTUAL UPDATE. I HAVE JUST RE-COMPILED THE CHAPTERS INTO MORE EVEN LENGTHS BY COMBINING THE SHORTER CHAPTERS, AND MADE SOME MINOR CORRECTIONS/CLARIFICATIONS.

I can't guarantee that this is a sign that posting in earnest will resume shortly, but hopefully this jogs my brain.

Okay. Okay, don’t panic. My clothes aren’t all red like hers are, and there’s none of those… glowing patterns, so maybe it’s deactivated? Or it hasn’t finished working yet. I just need to take it off. Take it off. Each time he reached for the headband to remove it, he found the impulse to do so sliding off the same invisible barrier in his mind that the impulse to open the sylladex did, and his fingers ended up merely gently resting against the tiaratop. I can’t take it off. But I’m not acting all evil, either. Am I? I want to help my friends. I want to defeat whoever put this on me and escape. Okay, it’s not messing with those thoughts, so I don’t think it can be making me evil. Temporarily distracted by probing the boundaries of the mental confinement that the unwelcome accessory placed, the Hero of Breath almost didn’t notice the metallic clanking coming from the other room, peeking through the bathroom door to see that the hatch was now opened, and a dersite pawn had entered the room.

JOHN: hi little guy! actually… you’re probably working for whoever turned my friends evil and put this thing on my head, aren’t you. maybe i shouldn’t be so friendly.

The carapacian blinks, before turning to leave, gesturing for John to follow.

JOHN: you want me to come with you? i mean… i do want answers to what’s going on here. so i guess i’ll follow you. i’m not doing it just because you’re cute, alright?

Unconcerned with the Heir’s rambling, the pawn leads the way through the now-open door into a small antichamber, empty except for another additional hatch on the far wall. This looks like it’s probably an airlock or something. As John mused, the dutiful servant of the Black Queen closed the inner hatch before opening the far one, allowing the mis-matched pair to step outside into a richly carpeted hallway. As the pawn re-latched the opening behind the two, John couldn’t help but notice what seemed to be a label on the door. What language… wait, that looks like the troll language! Indeed, despite his limited knowledge of troll culture, John correctly identified the sharp letters of the Alternian language, although he had no hope of translating the fuschia-colored text, especially as his new guide seemed to be waiting somewhat impatiently for him to finish gawking at the door and get a move on.

After a short walk, they arrived at an imposing pair of double-doors. The pawn bowed deeply, or as deeply as the rigid shell making up his body would allow, before leaving in a hurry. John nearly started after his rapidly retreating guide, but the dersite quickly vanished down a side-corridor, and he had the feeling that if he tried to follow, he’d quickly become hopelessly lost in the tangle of passageways that made up this castle. Seeing only one path forward John pushed open the heavy doors, finding himself face to face with… A troll? She looks familiar, somehow…

)(IC: JUNEY
)(IC: ma gill
)(IC: so )(APPY ta sea ya
JOHN: um. do i know you?
JOHN: also, my name is john.

The Condesce paused for a moment, but didn’t break her toothy, sharklike grin.

)(IC: right right
)(IC: introdocktions and explanations
)(IC: im your mother
)(IC: youre my heiress
)(IC: got that gill
JOHN: i. um. i think you have the wrong person. for one thing, i’m pretty sure you’re not my mother. ectobiologically speaking or uh. otherwise. i’m human, and i definitely don’t remember being raised by a troll.
JOHN: and for the other thing, i’m… not a girl? i feel like it’s pretty obvious… i mean, it’s not like anyone could actually mistake me for a girl, i’m pretty manly looking…

The troll’s smile drooped, almost imperceptively.

)(IC: june
)(IC: juney
)(IC: ma precious gill
)(IC: youre a woman
)(IC: i have that on the best authority
)(IC: YOURS)(-ELF
JOHN: but
)(IC: clam it
)(IC: DONT interrupt me when im talkin
)(IC: alright
)(IC: you know how that scratch thing you did works right

John nodded, befuddled.

)(IC: so you know it dumped a baby you onto earth
)(IC: guess who picked up your wriggler ass
)(IC: M–E
)(IC: now for a while i thought you were a buoy
)(IC: i mean
)(IC: i dont know much about human anatomy
)(IC: cept that its R-E-EL grody
)(IC: but the colonel was pretty infishtent that your genitals made you a bouy
JOHN: colonel?
)(IC: i said CLAM IT
)(IC: storytimes still goin
)(IC: so i raised you as a buoy
)(IC: and did a reel good job a it
)(IC: you didnt run away like that ungrateful B-EAC)(
)(IC: got a good career for yourshellf
)(IC: comedian or somefin
)(IC: neva got how human comedy works without you even krillin ON-E audience member
)(IC: but waterever
)(IC: when you were like
)(IC: 15 sweeps or somefin
)(IC: maybe a bit more
)(IC: you sent me a letter tellin me you were a gill
)(IC: you figured it out after some deep shoal-searchin i guess
)(IC: now i was chill
)(IC: as i said, never understood tha human obsession with genitals
)(IC: but it was a glub-damn OBS-ESSION
)(IC: so you couldnt just tell people you were a gill apparently
)(IC: youd be locked away and called insane
)(IC: now i offered ta cull any beach that tried
)(IC: but you turned me down
)(IC: so you had ta live your whole public life as a buoy
)(IC: codnt even tell you wife an wriggler
)(IC: glub-damn tragedy if you ask me
)(IC: forcin a lovely gill ta live as a buoy
)(IC: but as i said
)(IC: you were a good gill
)(IC: an so I kinda owe it ta you ta raise this you up right
)(IC: an I mean
)(IC: gettin tha second most badass gill -EVA as my )(-ER-ESS is a nice bonus too

John was stunned. My alternate self was… a girl? What? That… she could be lying, but why would she bother lying about that? I… that doesn’t mean I’m a girl though. Does it? I mean… he, she was identical to me. But I’m definitely not a girl. I mean… sure, sometimes I *want* to be, but that’s just because girls are nicer than boys. Doesn’t everyone want to try out being the different gender sometimes? The Condesce cleared her throat with a cough, an entirely feigned affectation that nevertheless jolted the Heir back to awareness.

JOHN: i uh. that’s all very interesting, but uh. arent you, well.
JOHN: evil?
JOHN: i mean. you’re an adult troll, and i’m pretty sure they’re all like. violent psychopaths or something.
JOHN: and also i’m pretty sure you’re mind controlling Jane and Jade. which seems like a pretty evil thing to do.
JOHN: speaking of, you put this red circlet thing on me that looks really similar to the one making Jane act all evil. so how do i know you’re not just… mind controlling me to listen to you?

The empress cackled, a full throated laugh. However, counter to expectations, it wasn’t tinged with a dangerous undertone suggesting pleasure at someone’s expense. It was simply a genuine laugh, as though she had just heard the best joke she had heard in decades.

)(IC: no-wonder you made a good comedian juney
)(IC: but
)(IC: yes, im mind-controlling your little fronds
)(IC: and you would probubbly call me ‘-EVIL’ what with how I ganked your planet earth an all
JOHN: wait, what did you do to earth!?

The seadweller glared at John, fully baring her needlelike teeth. The human gulped, and retreated a few steps.

)(IC: as i was SAYFIN
)(IC: i cod make a buncha justifications for what i did
)(IC: but really ill admit im a bit evil
)(IC: but that doesnt mean i dont care about ya
)(IC: the tiara is mostly there ta keep you from runnin away for now
)(IC: (an give you at least a little bling)
)(IC: (no soon ta be heiress a MIN-E is gonna walk around with no jewelry on)
)(IC: after all youve always been a curious gill
)(IC: i dont N-E-ED mind control ta get you ta listen to me
)(IC: if you make a habit a misbehavin i might have ta turn it up
)(IC: but if you keep bein a good gill i might even give you a few moa permissions
)(IC: after all i bet you want ta contact those fronds a yours
)(IC: right

John nodded, silently, not wanting to risk being seen as interrupting again.
)(IC: if you behave ill see about openin up that clamputa of yours ta beyond derse
)(IC: got all that

John fell face-first onto the bed with a *thump*. After being dismissed by the Condesce and led back to his room by another pawn (he couldn’t quite tell if it was the same pawn that led him to the throne room), he was left without any instructions on what to do, and feeling quite overwhelmed with all the information he was provided, he made the executive decision to take a moment or two to just go limp and allow the bedding to shut out the external world for a bit. Okay. What do I do now. I should try to escape… right? Yes. I should definitely try to escape. I don’t want to stay here with an evil fish lady claiming to be my mother. I don’t want to be treated like a girl. Even… even if it feels kinda nice, in a weird way. That’s just the tiara messing with my head. Right? She said it was just to keep me from escaping, but I don’t know if she’s telling the truth, she’s probably just messing with my head to keep me off balance or something. But I guess I should put up with it. So she doesn't get suspicious, or anything

Taking a deep breath and inhaling the surprisingly pleasant scent of fresh sheets Wow, did my sheets get changed while I was talking to her? That’s really good service, John stood. I should probably figure out more of what all I have available here. Maybe there’s something useful here? Even if I don’t have access to my strife syllabus, I can probably still come up with something useful for a weapon… even though I’ve never fought without a strife syllabus before, it can’t be that hard, right? Hesitating to open the wardrobe, he was provided with a convenient distraction, noticing a blinking light on his computer’s screen, which had turned on at some point. A pesterchum notification! Maybe Dave or Rose figured out how to contact me? She said I couldn’t contact anyone off Derse, but they could have figured something out! Opening pesterchum, John’s face fell to discover it was not any of his friends, rather an unfamiliar-looking handle, albeit with a somehow familiar coloration.

gutsyGumshoe[GG] began bothering ectoBiologist[EB]

GG: Hello June.
GG: The Condesce has asked me to fill you in on the details of this world.
GG: I believe that this is because not only am I ectobiologically related to you as your biological parent, I also have a supercomputer strapped to my head.
GG: So I am uniquely qualified to answer any questions you might have from both an interpersonal and intellectual level. To tell the truth, even if I hadn’t been ordered to speak with you, I would be very excited to meet you.
GG: In fact, there are a couple questions I can anticipate with more than 99.9% reliability, which I will go ahead and answer for you, for convenience's sake.
GG: You are the honored guest of the Condesce. Also known as Her Imperious Condescension, or as Betty Crocker. She is the Empress of all trollkind. Currently, that numbers just 6.5 living individuals. But, without spoiling anything for you, there is reason to hope that number will increase very soon!
GG: She conquered and remade Earth not only with noble hopes of restoring trollkind after every troll in the universe at the time (except herself) was killed by the vocalizations of Gl'bgolyb, her lusus.
GG: But also because she was commanded to do so by her only, and assuredly temporary, master: Lord English.
GG: I will now stop providing you with information in a monologue because I notice you have now logged on, and can now directly participate in our conversation.
GG: Please feel free to ask whatever questions pop to mind. After all, this is for your benefit.
EB: wow that’s a lot. i would freak out about betty crocker being a 12 foot tall alien dictator, but… somehow i always knew that something along those lines was going to end up being the case, so i’m just coasting on that ‘i told you so’ feeling. so. you’re like. my nanna, right?
GG: I guess so! From my perspective, you’ve always been my grandfather.
GG: Whoops. I mean technically grandmother, I guess? I’m still a bit shocked at what the Condesce told me about you and my grandparent.
EB: it’s okay. it’s really not a big deal.
GG: Oh, but Her Condescention has specifically ordered me to use gender-affirming language with you! She doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.
GG: So it kinda is a big deal, everything she does is a big deal. :B
EB: riiiight. okay.
GG: Any other questions?
EB: so if she’s evil and the empress of trollkind… is she the reason they were all evil and stuff?
GG: June! That’s really very rude. You are an honored guest of Her Condescension and you accuse her of being ‘evil’? I assure you, the Condesce is not ‘evil’ by any means. She is merely compelled by greater forces than you or I could clearly comprehend.
EB: you’re trying really hard to defend her, for her having mind controlled you and all. you know, she was straight up with me and told me herself she was evil.
GG: Well she was probably joking or something! I can assure you, with all the information she has given me, her actions have all been necessary. She’s just a very competent businesswoman who sometimes has… anger management issues.
EB: whatever you say.
EB: i’m sure that your opinion is totally accurate.
GG: Well, I think maybe we should call this little info-session here. If you want to learn more about Troll culture, there are some introductory ‘schoolfeeding modules’ loaded onto your computer, which should have more information.

gutsyGumshoe[GG] ceased bothering ectoBiologist[EB]

John pushed his chair back from the desk in a huff, resting his hands against his face. Already, he regretted his impetuous actions, needling at his mind-controlled nanna. Although he had harbored vague hopes of getting her to break through her mental shackles, it was clear that pointing out the true nature of ‘Her Condescension’ wasn’t going to get anywhere but a metaphorical slammed door.

Great job me. Really great job. I managed to anger her in what. 5 lines flat? And not like I didn’t know what I was doing, either. There goes any hope of getting any more useful information from her. Although this seems like a confirmation that my tiara isn’t doing the same thing as hers, since she’s got that… cognitive dissonance thing going on or whatever it’s called. Well, at least I know a little bit more about what’s going on. Good to hear that there’s no armies of trolls at her command hunting down my friends, just… well, just Jade. Oh no, I just remembered, Dave was there when she knocked me out, I hope she didn’t do anything to him!

Chapter 3

Notes:

I felt bad about giving you such a short chapter with chapter 8, and the next bit I wrote stood pretty well on its own, so here's a supplement to chapter 8!

CURRENT turntechGodhead[CTG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CTG: okay i dont really know how this works
CTG: and frankly the whole ‘current’ and ‘past’ stuff makes my hero of time senses tingle like i just swallowed a dozen things of pop rocks and then chugged a liter of soda
CTG: like some dumb kid who never got told that that will make your stomach explode by his friends
CTG: even though that doesnt actually happen and that warning kinda makes you want to try it in like a what theres no way sorta way
CTG: except my time senses do kinda make me feel like my stomach is gonna explode sometimes
CTG: but anyway this feels really important
CTG: so two things
CTG: 1: jade is all evil now if you werent aware
CTG: 2: jade kidnapped john
CTG: she was ranting about old ladies and family reunions while she was doing it but i didnt catch all the crazy words flying out of her mouth bats that escaped the bat insane asylum and just heard it was last call at the all you can drink blood buffet
CTG: im fine though
CTG: she said my help is no longer required
CTG: but anyway i guess what im saying is we should try to save him
CTG: but also watch out for jade so that she doesnt zap you away and we might be dealing with evil egbert soon
CTG: even though thats crazy to say
CTG: i mean that guys so kind hearted i feel like he might just make the brainwashing machine or whatever break due to encountering a pure spirit or whatever hokey care bears bs
CTG: and then no heart will yell something like ‘impossible how could you defeat my defriendsinator’ and escape
CTG: all ready for the next episode next week where hes gonna destroy all puppies or something
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator[CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: Ow.
CGC: I have a killer hangover and these pings aren’t helping.
CGC: Can you keep it down while I scroll through your nervous rambling?
CTG: terezi?
CGC: Wait. John got kidnapped? That’s… that’s not right. That’s not right at all
CTG: is that you terezi?
CGC: No, this is your loving ectosister, Rose. I am borrowing Terezi’s glasses, although I may have reconsidered that action if I realized they came with the downside of making ping sounds directly into my ears while I am attempting to block out the aftermath of my poor decisions vis-à-vis alcoholic drinks.
CTG: whats up with you and terezi
CTG: actually what do you mean by not right
CTG: i mean its pretty obviously a bad thing that we need to fix
CGC: Just a moment.
CURRENT tentacleTherapist[CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTT: It’s a bit more than that, I think. My senses as a seer have been dulled for a long time now. But I can tell you with certainty that John being kidnapped should not have happened.
CTG: is this a doomed timelines thing
CTG: please rose do not tell me we are in a doomed timeline right now
CTG: i swear to god if were in a doomed timeline the handle isnt even going to know what did an acrobatic stunt off of it
CTG: the flipping will happen so fast
CTG: itll just be a flash of limbs and shit
CTG: cirque du soleil will be shaking in their oversized clown shoes because they cant compete with the level of coordination and speed on display
CTG: (to be clear i will be the one doing the flipping off of the handle)
CTT: I don’t exactly know what a doomed timeline is like, beyond the fact that they are, well. Doomed. But the fortunes in front of us are not yet absurdly bleak, as far as I can tell. So given that we’re not up against literally impossible odds just yet, I think it is safe to say that our timeline isn’t doomed. At least, not as of yet. In fact, on some level, it feels like this unanticipated action may have actually opened up a few new bright paths.
CTG: okay
CTG: thats
CTG: glad to know i wont have to enact dave strider saves everyones asses from a doomed timeline via self sacrifice part 2
CTG: partly because theres no convenient sprite i can hop into and become like
CTG: squirrel davesprite or something
CTG: but mostly because i am an artist
CTG: and ripping off my previous alternate mes work like that would just be gauche
CTG: so what do we do now
CGC: I am not sure. While a general picture of the situation is easy to get, mapping out the strands leading to the most favorable options is going to take some time given this dramatic upset in events. For the moment, we should probably try to regroup with everyone and get a clearer picture of what all has happened.
CTG: okay
CTG: bye for now i guess
CTG: im gonna see if any of the snacks i had in my house are still good
CTG: i need the comforting nostalgic sensation of day-glo orange dust all over my fingers
CTG: its been like three years since ive had an authentic american-made dorito
CTG: and i swear no matter what you say the alchemized ones werent nearly as good

Dozens of dresses assaulted John’s field of view. I should have probably expected this. Well… at least they’re kinda nice looking dresses, I guess? Not that it matters either way, since I’m not going to wear these no matter what. Seeking anything to distract himself from his worries about Dave’s face, the Hero of Breath decided to throw open the wardrobe as he had planned to before becoming distracted. As he had somewhat expected, it was packed to the brim with female-styled clothes, a significant portion of which appeared to be frilly, princess-style dresses straight out of a fairy tale, good enough to wear to a royal ball. This is just dumb. I’m not a princess, and the Condesce doesn’t really make for a good fairy godmother either, no matter how much she seems to be trying. More of a wicked witch keeping me locked away or something.

Chuckling at his own internal joke, John pushed aside the absurd dresses, seeing that concealed somewhat by their extravagant lacey adornments were some more appropriate clothes. Yes! T-shirts and pants. Dismissing the Godhood took but a second, even without mental access to the Sylladex system, and he quickly threw on a plain black t-shirt and a pair of jeans. A quick glance in the mirror revealed… Yup! I look like a guy. Just like I did before, and will always. A sense of hesitation caught in his throat as he thought that, though. Hmm. But… she did say that I would have to ‘behave’ to get to contact my friends. Maybe… maybe I should wear something a little more… feminine? Just to make her happy. John gnawed lightly at his lip, anxiously. I mean. It’s not like wearing a skirt would be… hard, or anything. And it wouldn’t just. Instantly make me a girl to wear one, or anything. I… I mean, I can always just try one on and see if it feels alright?

A few minutes of searching later, and an appropriate piece of attire was located. Not obviously feminine, and pleated to form a more-or-less straight silhouette, the skirt was a dark blue that didn’t quite match John’s eyes. Okay, now I just have to… try it on. Slipping his pants off, and his skirt on, was a painless experience. Huh. That’s weird. But it is kinda comfortable, I guess? Looking in the mirror revealed… not much of a change. I mean. Wow, I was really expecting to look super dumb or something, dressed up and pretending to be a girl. But this looks… fine. Acceding to a nonsensical-seeming urge, the Heir performs a quick twirl, the pleats spreading out. Okay, that definitely looks dumb. But I mean. It was kinda fun, in a weird way? I’m probably just missing the wind or something, but it was a little fun. Alright. This can totally work. I’ll wear this dress, she’ll think that I’m going along with her plan, and then I can contact my friends and figure out how to defeat her and escape. This is gonna be a cakewalk! Suddenly remembering that the Condesce was also Betty Crocker, John winced. I mean, not a cakewalk. A piece of cake! Wait, no, argh. Why do so many phrases about things being easy have to involve cake? Okay, easy as pie. Wait, does Betty Crocker sell pie stuff as well? Whatever, it’ll be easy.

John slept, drifting through the currents of the Furthest Ring. The Tiaratop did not seem to transfer from the world of the waking to the dreamscape, but the rest of his outfit did, although the child god did not notice. Oh! I can contact my friends this way! Even though the Condesce can lock away my body, she can’t do anything to my dreams. I just need to find them! Inspired by this chance, John sped through the black landscape, searching for any dreambubble that might hold his friends, or any other landmark within the void. However, what he noticed first was the sound of speech.

??????: Rise, my 8ard.

Is that Vriska?! It sounds an awful lot like her. I should probably tell her what happened when I fell through the juju! Putting on a burst of speed, he rushed over in the direction of the sound, only to spot…

ARANEA: “Rise, my 8ard?”
ARANEA: Sheesh.
ARANEA: Aranea, if you want people to start taking you seriously, your chilling repartee is going to need some work.

The cobaltblood reached out to the velvet pillow held by Gamzee, upon which rested…

JOHN: HEY!
JOHN: that’s my ring!
ARANEA: Huh?

Aranea’s momentary distraction, glancing up to see the source of the voice, would be her downfall, as John swooped forwards, grabbing the ring before crashing to the ground, standing up with a perturbed expression.

JOHN: yeah, this is definitely my ring! what were you doing with it, umm... aranea? that's your name, right? and why was it being presented to you by a… clown? oh wow that outfit is gross-looking.
ARANEA: Okay John. I will respect that you do not really know what is going on here. 8ut as much as I would like to deliver a thorough story detailing how we all got here and why I need that ring, time is a factor.
ARANEA: So just give me the ring; I need it to fix everything.
JOHN: what do you mean ‘fix everything’?
JOHN: wait, are you stealing it for that meenah girl you’re friends with?
JOHN: because she specifically told me not to let her steal it.
JOHN: which i think extends to letting other people steal it for her.
ARANEA: No, as much as I respect her, I do not 8elieve that ‘her teen Condescension’ would
JOHN: wait, what!?!? The Condesce?

Resting a hand against her forehead in frustration, the Sylph of Light made an impulsive decision on how to get the ring that she needed back from the annoying human.

ARANEA: You know what? Forg8 talking and asking politely!!!!!!!! People always complain about how long my stories are anyway. Well guess what???????? I don't need to use words to get you to listen to me!!!!!!!! I'm MINDFANG!!!!!!!!

Incensed, Aranea focused all her mental energy on the irritating human floating in front of her. Talking is all well and good, but her dancestor had done well teaching her the useful lesson that when it comes to getting people to listen, mental powers are really the best option. And she definitely had mental powers to spare. Sure, Vriska mentioned humans being harder to control or something along those lines, but she knew her dancestor was weaker than herself. She just had to overpower this human’s puny mind and…

John awoke with a start, ring of Life clutched in his fist, brought with him to consciousness as his dreaming projection left the far ring.
Aranea screamed in frustration as the human jerked awake and the ring of Life vanished beyond her reach.

What happened there? Why did she wake me up if she wanted the ring? And why did she bring up the Condescention when I asked her about Meenah? Did I mishear her? She definitely said something like ‘her teen condescension’. Wait. Shit, that’s right, that’s what Vriska called Meenah!? Was that like… a joke, or… the Condesce is definitely a lot bigger than Meenah, but… they do sound really similar. And act kinda the same, and… didn’t Meenah say something about heiresses? Unsettled and unsure of what was going on, John tried to order his thoughts. Okay. Okay, that doesn’t really matter for now, and I’m too tired to try to figure out what exactly is going on. But I definitely know that the Condesce really shouldn’t get her claws on this ring. I don’t know who she would bring back, but I know it wouldn’t be anyone good. A minute later, and the unadorned golden band was stashed away in the wardrobe. Not the greatest hiding spot, but he couldn’t just keep the ring with him like he would have preferred, as his captor would surely be curious where the shiny bauble came from.

Just as he finished that thought, John heard a clanking from the door to his gilded cage of a room. Speak of the batterwitch and find her in your hat. I must have slept longer than I thought. As expected, a pawn entered the room, black carapace shining just like any other Dersite. Following it, however, did not lead to the throne room, as John was expecting. Instead, the carapacian’s path ended at what seemed to be a… doctor’s office? Medical ward? It was a large room with several hospital beds arrayed along the walls, and a wide variety of medical equipment. John recognized some of the gear from the medical bay aboard the battleship he spent three years on with Jade, but at least as much of the devices were unfamiliar and bore the concerning marks of Alternian design, pulsing with bio-organic vitality. Standing in the center of the room, leaning on her 2x3dent, was the Condescension, and at her side stood Jane. Their eyes latched to John as soon as he entered.

)(IC: heya juney
)(IC: nice dress

John blushed at the comment, having forgotten he was wearing the long dress instead of pants. However, while he did feel embarrassed, it was, surprisingly, a little nice. It’s probably just because I’m tricking her or whatever. I can’t possibly actually look good in this dress…

GG: Hello June.
JOHN:...
)(IC: no good evenin for yo mama
)(IC: thought i raised you better than that juney

John grimaced while the sea-troll chuckled, amused by her own joke.

)(IC: waterever
)(IC: i dont expect you to stand on ceremony an parrotfish back ta me
)(IC: thats for suckas and lowbloods
)(IC: an when i got time ta watch 'em squirm like a fish on a hook about displeasin me
)(IC: efin when they KNOW full well i might just fork 'em anywave
)(IC: but i know you aint no sucka
)(IC: i wont be hafin a lowblood as my heiress
)(IC: and its not very funny ta watch someone i need ta be competent act like a beached whale in my presence

Jane shifted slightly, uncomfortable with the dismissive tone being taken towards the proper manners her upbringing and mind-control both emphasized as very important. However, those same manners being dragged through the mud proved never the less hard to ignore, rendering her unwilling to speak up.

JOHN: what do you want?
)(IC: impatient gill aint you
)(IC: good quality in an -EMPR-ESS
)(IC: but not a heiress
)(IC: specially not one little as you
)(IC: i dont think youre up ta bein a challenge ta ma rule yet
)(IC: so chill them jetskis
)(IC: anywave
)(IC: this is a medical checkup
)(IC: docterrorists visit
)(IC: see how that human body a yours is kickin
)(IC: get everythin workin swimminly
)(IC: make sure youre gonna be a proper heiress in body an stuff

John creased his eyebrows. Well, ‘docterrorist’ doesn’t sound good. But I guess it makes sense? I have been on a spaceship for years, not like I’ve had any doctor visits. I would think being god-tier would keep me healthy, though.

JOHN: is this really necessary though? i am god tier, after all. shouldn’t that keep me from getting sick?
)(IC: i want ta make sure an all juney
)(IC: an its not just keepin you from gettin sick
)(IC: makin sure youre tip top heiress material is more than just mako-fin sure youre not about ta keel over an die
)(IC: but you seem nervous
)(IC: so tell you what
)(IC: if ya stay good through tha whole session ill let you talk ta your fronds

He was aware he was being bribed. Transparently so, like a small child. However, that didn’t make the temptation much less potent. I just need to sit through a doctor visit performed by a fish monster and my mind controlled grandmother/granddaughter. And then I’ll be one big step closer to escaping. The heir of breath inhaled, feeling the grounding, stabilizing presence of the air. Okay, I can do this.

Notes:

>:]

Chapter 4

JOHN: how do we start?
)(IC: you just gotta sit down
)(IC: janey will be doin most a it
)(IC: god-tier lifey powas and stuff
)(IC: plus she knows mo' about your inferior human anatomy with that tiara on her head feedin her data

John sat down on the edge of a bed, crossing his legs nervously. Spurred to motion, Jane began the checkup, such as it was. A few aspects of the procedure were familiar, almost nostalgically so, as the mind-controlled Maid of Life robotically shined a light in his eyes to observe pupil dilation, checked his ears for infection, and had him breathe deeply. However, once the familiar steps of a basic wellness check were resolved, the session didn’t end. Life energy was fed into John’s body, coursing through his veins and easing the minor damage his body had accumulated, leaving him feeling refreshed and alert.

JOHN: wow, that really wasn’t bad!
GG: Please stay still June. We are not done yet.
JOHN: wait, what?

True to Jane’s word, the poking and prodding did not end on that pleasant note. Blood samples were drawn and fed into unfamiliar devices of both human and troll make, and the outputs were studied with an unchanging expression. Scans of unexplained types were taken in addition to the X-Ray John was vaguely familiar with due to an overzealous encounter with his slime ghost pogo. However, he was able to stay calm throughout the procedures, despite his growing nervousness. As the very last machines were wheeled away, the Condesce approached, clutching something in her hand.

)(IC: you done reel well gill
)(IC: im proud a you
)(IC: puttin up with all this borin medical ship
)(IC: got one last thin for you though

The massive darkened hand of the fish-troll opened, revealing a needle filled with a strange rust-colored solution. Before John could register the item, the Condesce jabbed the threatening-looking syringe directly into his thigh in a flash of motion, piercing right through the skirt and depressing the plunger, even as the hero jerked away in surprise.

)(IC: there we go
JOHN: what was that! what did you just stab me with!?
)(IC: chill gill
)(IC: its nofin dangerous
)(IC: if i wanted ta hurt you youd be floatin with the fishes already
)(IC: its somfin ive been workin on for a V-ERY long time
)(IC: never woulda got ta it without alchemy an the help a janey
)(IC: an I still needed those scans ta customize it right ta you
)(IC: but efin tho your tha first beach ta try it im shore youll be just fine
)(IC: might not be ready for prime time on someone without god powers an two lifey gills on frond
)(IC: but i dont reely need ta mass produce it anymore for anyfin
)(IC: theres not many humans left ta take it
JOHN: okay that doesn't really make me feel any better, but what does it do????
)(IC: basically
)(IC: its a special shot ta make you more a a propa gill

More of a… proper girl? Is… is it going to change my body to make me look more like a girl? But… that’s impossible, right? I mean, there is like. Hormones and stuff, I remember seeing some of that stuff when I was just kinda bored and looking at random stuff. But I mean… it sounds like it’s a lot more complex than that.

JOHN: is it like… hormone therapy?
)(IC: ehhhhh
)(IC: shore hormones are a PART a it
)(IC: i dont want ta spoil the whole surfprise though
)(IC: youre a clever gill
)(IC: youll puzzle it out right quick
)(IC: and youll even have your fronds help since you were so good
)(IC: your clamputer will be opened up reel soon as i promised
)(IC: probbubly beachfore you even get back ta your room

Hormone therapy. She’s giving me hormone therapy? I… that takes like… months to work though. The young God felt almost… disappointed. Wait, disappointed? That’s a good thing though. I’m sure to get out of here before months pass, so it won’t have any effect on me! I’ll be fine. I won’t look like a girl. I mean. It’s not even that like, hormones could even make me look like a girl, I’m way too masculine looking for that. But wait, what did she mean by ‘puzzle it out right quick’? How could I puzzle it out quickly if it would take months to work? Are they like, super-hormones or something? Why would she want to mass-manufacture super-hormones? Distractedly, John stood and allowed a pawn to guide them back to their room, while the Empress watched her soon-to-be improved Heiress depart, with a smile on her face. It might take a bit of work to get June up to the right level, but Her Imperial Condescension was by no means unused to difficulty, and the coming reward was more than sweet enough to justify the effort.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist[CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.
CCG: OKAY ASSHOLES. I SAW THAT DAVE OPENED UP A NEW MEMO HERE WITH SOME PERTINENT INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOG IS GOING ON HERE. SO I GUESS I HAVE TO INTERACT WITH IT TOO. DON’T WORRY THOUGH, MY PAN HASN’T ENTIRELY CAVED IN, SO I’M NOT GOING TO BE ENGAGING WITH THE WHOLE TIMELINE FUNCTIONALITY OF THIS REPULSIVE PIECE OF SOFTWARE EITHER.
CCG: AND I FUCKING DARE ANY FUTURE KARKAT TO SHOW UP IN SOME SPITEFUL ATTEMPT BY TEMPORAL MECHANICS THEMSELVES TO MOCK ME AND PROVE ME WRONG.
CCG: I WILL REMEMBER TO PUNCH MYSELF IN MY OWN SMUG ASSHOLE FACE IF I DO, GOT IT?.
CCG: NOBODY? GOOD.
CCG: I’M REALLY JUST HERE TO SAY THAT ME AND KANAYA WERE ALSO HASSLED BY THE DERANGED FERAL BARKBEAST VERSION OF JADE.
CCG: NO LUCK ON BEING DEEMED UNIMPORTANT AND ALLOWED TO GO FROLIC IN THE FIELDS, DAVE YOU LUCKY BASTARD. APPARENTLY. WE APPARENTLY HAVE TO GO RELEASE THE FROG FROM THE FORGE.
CCG: SHE MADE SOME VERY DETAILED THREATS ABOUT MY INTERNAL ORGANS IF WE DIDN’T. BUT SHE DID REVEAL WHO SHE’S WORKING FOR.
CCG: THE GLUB-DAMN *EMPRESS OF ALTERNIA* IS HERE. PRESUMABLY BECAUSE REALITY HATES ME. SHE’S MIND-CONTROLLING JADE AND HIJACKING THIS SESSION. APPARENTLY BECAUSE ‘SHE NEEDS A SAFE PLACE TO PUT ALTERNIA AFTER IT’S SAVED’. AND NO, I DO NOT KNOW HOW SHE EXPECTS TO SOMEHOW ‘SAVE’ ALTERNIA.
CCG: JADE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT JOHN THOUGH. JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THE EMPRESS NEEDING TO PICK UP HER ‘NEW HEIRESS’. WHICH MAKES APPROXIMATELY ZERO SENSE IF SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIM.
CCG: SINCE EGBERT IS OF COURSE 1: NOT A GIRL, WHICH WOULD BE A PREREQUISITE FOR BEING A *HEIRESS*. AND 2: NOT A FUSCHIA TROLL. OR A TROLL AT ALL. WHICH WOULD ALSO BE A PREREQUISITE FOR BEING A HEIRESS.
CCG: WAIT. HOLD ON, I’M GETTING A MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE.
CCG: WHAT IN THE NOOKSUCKING FUCK? IT’S FROM EGBERTS ACCOUNT. HOW IN THE NAME OF GOG DID HE ESCAPE FROM THE EMPRESS AND HER BRAND NEW ATTACK BARKBEAST?

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

EB: karkat, are you there?
CG: JOHN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT YOU WERE CAPTURED AND BEING TORTURED BY HER IMPERIAL FISHBITCH.
CG: IF THAT WHOLE THING WITH DAVE SAYING YOU WERE KIDNAPPED AND YOU DISAPPEARING OFF OF PESTERCHUM WAS JUST ONE OF YOUR NOOKSHITTINGLY ASININE ‘PRANKS’ I SWEAR TO GOG WHEN I GET MY CLAWS ON YOU YOUR DEATH WILL BE FUCKING JUST!
EB: oh. wow, it’s kinda weird for someone to call me john again! not as nice as i would have expected for some reason, i guess i got used to it or something?
CG: WHAT ARE YOU RAMBLING ABOUT NOW? DID JADE NOT TALK TO YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY OR SOMETHING? WHY ON ALTERNIA WOULD YOU BE NOT USED TO PEOPLE CALLING YOU BY YOUR BULGESUCKING *NAME*???
EB: oh, i mean, no, jade called me by my name, or. i guess recently she hasn’t, or not-her hasn’t, but it’s just that… okay, it’s kinda a long story.
CG: WHAT A SURPRISE. I WOULD INVITE YOU TO LOOK AT MY SURPRISED FACE, BUT I FEAR THAT IF I DID THE LEVEL OF SURPRISE WOULD BE FAR TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO COMPREHEND. IT WOULD REND YOUR VERY SOUL FROM YOUR BLISTERINGLY IGNORANT MEATSACK.
CG: EVERY STORY SINCE WE STARTED UP THIS WHOLE VILE ‘GAME’ HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG AND FRANKLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. SO JUST GO AHEAD TRY TO EXPLAIN IT AS SIMPLY AS YOUR SHRIVELED PAN CAN MANAGE SO THAT I HAVE AT LEAST DECENT ODDS OF MAKING IT OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION WITH MY RAGE GLAND UNRUPTURED!
EB: okay, okay! so, to start with, i guess you know that jade kidnapped me?
CG: YES, DAVE WAS SOMEWHAT HYSTERICAL ABOUT IT.
EB: so she brought me to this palace, where I met the condesce. she seemed really familiar with me though, she said she raised the version of me that existed in this post-scratch universe? she called herself my ‘mother’.
CG: SHE CALLED HERSELF WHAT?
EB: i’m not done! so anyway, she kinda… she said some stuff about how the version of me in this universe was actually a girl? named june. and she thinks that that makes me a girl too, and has been calling me june, even though i’m like. obviously a boy, there’s no way i could be a girl, even if i wanted to. but it’s not like i want to, i mean, that would be weird, to want to be a girl.
CG: WHAT? IS THIS A WEIRD HUMAN THING?
EB: what? oh no, you’re not going to prank me, i know you trolls have gender, even if you don’t really understand the idea of sexuality.
CG: NO I’M NOT TRYING TO SAY… UGH EGBERT, YOU ARE SO DENSE SOMETIMES I SWEAR TO GOG IT HAS TO BE DELIBERATE. WHY WOULD IT BE WEIRD TO WANT TO BE A GIRL? YOU KNOW LOTS OF GIRLS. WAIT, HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SECRETLY HATED GIRLS THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME? BUT THAT WOULDN’T MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE YOU ‘AREN’T A HOMOSEXUAL’ AND YOUR INFURIATINGLY SIMPLISTIC SPECIES ‘DOESN’T DO’ PITCH RELATIONSHIPS. SO IT WOULDN’T MAKE SENSE IF IT WAS JUST HATE.
EB: what! no, no, no, i don’t hate girls! i like girls! they look nice and elegant and stuff. and i… er. nevermind. i’m just. i don’t hate girls, why would you think i would?
CG: SO IF YOU DON”T FUCKING HATE THEM OR SOMETHING, WHY IN THE NAME OF GOG WOULD IT BE WEIRD TO WANT TO BE ONE, IF YOU THINK THEY LOOK NICE? I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY YOU PREFER BEING A BOY TO BEING A GIRL, OTHERWISE YOU WOULD JUST CHANGE TO BEING A GIRL, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T ALSO LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING A GIRL A LITTLE.
EB: wait, ‘otherwise i would just change to be a girl?’ uhh. um. it. it doesn’t work that way? i can’t just. be a girl. that’s not how it works. like at all.
CG: YOU CAN’T? SO THIS *IS* A WEIRD HUMAN THING, LIKE HOMOSEXUALITY AND NOT HAVING QUADRANTS.
EB: what?
CG: LISTEN EGGDERP, A TROLL IS A TROLL IS A TROLL. PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING THE EMPIRE CARES ABOUT IS YOUR BLOOD COLOR, TROLLS CAN BE WHATEVER GENDER THEY WANT. WE CAN EVEN CHANGE IT IF WE CHANGE OUR MINDS. SOME TROLLS AREN’T EVEN BOYS *OR* GIRLS.
EB: you can what????????
CG: WOW. THAT’S GOT TO SUCK. NOT ONLY CAN YOU NOT REPRODUCE EXCEPT WITH THE OPPOSITE GENDER, YOU ARE STUCK WITH BEING JUST ONE GENDER FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE? WHEN DO YOU CHOOSE?
EB: choose what?
CG: YOUR GENDER, NOOKMUNCH. I KNOW YOU DON’T MOLT OR ANYTHING, SO DO YOU CHOOSE YOUR GENDER ON LIKE… YOUR FIFTH WRIGGLING DAY OR SOMETHING? I MEAN… IT TAKES A WHILE FOR YOU TO EVEN BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE, SO IT CAN’T BE TOO EARLY. IS THAT WHAT YOUR ‘PUBERTY’ IS? CHOOSING YOUR GENDER?
EB: what? no?!?! puberty isn’t like a choice?! how, wh… i uh. okay. we… don’t. get to choose, that is. it’s just… i mean. determined by what we’re born with. body-wise. well, i mean, for some people it’s different... but like. normal people don’t choose? normal people kinda just… go along with the gender they start out as, i guess? but yeah, i guess some people choose? or like, don’t choose, or… i’m not doing a great job of explaining it, you should probably have asked like. an actual transgender person, or something.
CG: A ‘TRANSGENDER PERSON’?
EB: that’s the term for someone who has a different gender to the one they start with, i think. i read a little bit about it a while ago.
CG: HUMANS ARE WEIRD ABOUT GENDER IN SO MANY FUCKING WAYS, AREN’T YOU. BUT ANYWAY, HOW DID YOU FIND A COMPUTING DEVICE AND SOMEHOW ESCAPE FROM THE GRUBSHITTING CONDESCE OF ALL TROLLS?
EB: oh, uh. right. right, that gender stuff isn’t really important right now. um, to answer your question. i kinda… didn’t.
CG: YOU CLEARLY FOUND A COMPUTING DEVICE, OR ELSE YOU COULDN’T BE MESSAGING ME RIGHT NOW. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON FUCKING PERSISTING WITH YOUR PAN-NUMBINGLY IMBICILIC ‘PRANKING’ WHEN WHAT IS GOING ON IS ACTUALLY VERY URGENT AND IMPORTANT, GRUBS-FOR-BRAINS? THE CONDESCE COULD SEND JADE AFTER YOU AT ANY MOMENT TO RECAPTURE YOU, IF YOU HADN’T FUCKING REALIZED.
EB: i mean i didn’t escape. i’m still in her palace.
CG: WHAT? SPAWN OF A BARKBEAST, HAVE YOU BEEN MIND-CONTROLLED THIS WHOLE TIME AND I’VE BEEN JUST TALKING TO ANOTHER ONE OF HER IMPERIAL MINDCONTROLISHNESS’S THRALLS ABOUT GENDER? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BE WORRYING ABOUT GENDER? IS THE CONDESCE THAT INTERESTED IN MY FUCKING TAKES ABOUT THE BIZZARE WAY HUMAN GENDER APPARENTLY WORKS THAT SHE WOULD FUCKING SEND YOU TO SNEAKILY INTERROGATE YOU? IS SHE SERIOUSLY *THAT* FUCKING INSANE?
CG: ALTHOUGH THIS HARDLY REFLECTS WELL ON ME, EITHER. BEHOLD, KARKAT VANTAS, LEADER EXTRAORDINAIRE, COULDN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ONE OF HIS FRIENDS AND A FUCKING MINDLESS SHEEP UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE EVIL EMPRESS OF TROLLKIND. THEY’LL LOVINGLY CARVE THAT EXACT SPIEL ON MY GRAVESTONE AFTER I’M CULLED, RIGHT BEFORE THE CONDESCE PUNTS MY GRAVE INTO AN ACTIVE VOLCANO AND SHOOTS THE ASHES INTO THE FUCKING SUN. WONDERFUL. EVERYONE WILL CHEER. BECAUSE SHE WILL HAVE MIND CONTROLLED EVERYONE TO DO SO, BUT ALSO BECAUSE THEY WILL BE GLAD SUCH AN INCOMPETENT LEADER ISN’T STAINING THE PLANET ANYMORE.
EB: karkat, chill! she’s not mind controlling me. or at least, i don’t think she is. hold on a second.
EB: yeah, i just checked, i still don’t want to serve her or help her, and i still want to escape from here as soon as possible. so i’m pretty sure i’m still not being mind controlled.
CG: HOW IN THE WORLD ARE YOU FUCKING CHATTING WITH ME THEN?
EB: i uh. she… let me?
CG: WHAT?
EB: she allowed me to chat with people off of derse as a ‘reward for good behavior’.
CG: SHE WHAT? WHAT KIND OF GOOD BEHAVIOR COULD SHE POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT? SCREAMING NICE AND LOUD WHEN SHE FLAYS THE SKIN OFF YOUR BACK? SCRUBBING HER FLOORS PARTICULARLY EFFICIENTLY?
EB: oh, no, she hasn’t been torturing me… she’s just calling me a girl and ‘june’ a lot, like i said. oh, there is a whole bunch of really boring seeming information about alternia on my computer that i’m meant to read about but i don’t think that qualifies as torture, and she had me do like. a medical checkup? which was really really weird, but it wasn’t painful or anything, except for one bit.
CG: SO… YOU’RE JUST BEING SCHOOLFED AND… CARED FOR? LIKE THE FUCKING MOST DANGEROUS AND SADISTIC TROLL OF ALL TIME IS YOUR LUSUS? WHILE JADE IS JUST BEING MIND-CONTROLLED INTO A FUCKING ATTACK BARKBEAST. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
EB: i don’t know. she keeps acting like i’m really really important and calling me her ‘heiress’ though.
CG: SHE’S CALLING YOU HER *HEIRESS*? WHAT THE FUCK? YOU’RE NOT EVEN A TROLL. LET ALONE A FUSCHIABLOOD! WHY WOULD SHE WANT A HEIRESS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
EB: i don’t know why she’s being so weird and sorta nice! all she’s told me is that she feels like she owes me because of the previous me or something along those lines. i mean, it doesn’t really matter, right? i’m just going to escape, and then we’ll all beat her up, and then all her weird plans won’t matter anymore.
CG: OKAY, FINE, WE’LL SET ASIDE THAT PILE OF APPARENTLY UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS FOR NOW. HAVE YOU MESSAGED DAVE? I’M PRETTY SURE HE WAS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU, EVEN THOUGH HIS FUCKING INSUFFERABLE COOLGUY PERSONA CAN’T STAND TO ADMIT IT.
EB: yeah, i sent him a message, i think he’s probably asleep or something though, he hasn’t messaged back yet. i’m glad jade didn’t do anything to him, even though it’s kinda confusing.
CG: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO LALONDE, TOO. ROSE, NOT WHATEVER CRAZY LALONDE DANCESTOR IS PRESUMABLY IN THIS SESSION, TO BE CLEAR. ROSE SAID YOU BEING KIDNAPPED ‘WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN’ SO SHE’S PROBABLY GOT A LOT OF QUESTIONS FOR YOU TOO. ALSO, MAYBE HER CRAZY SEER POWERS WILL BE ABLE TO TELL WHY THE CONDESCE IS DOING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE? OR HELP YOU PLAN AN ESCAPE, OR *SOMETHING*.
EB: good idea! i’ll message her real soon.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Chapter 5

Despite his statement that he would, the Heir decided to hold off on contacting Rose, lost in thought. I’ll wait to talk to her, for a bit. I wouldn’t want to bother her while I already have a bunch of stuff I’m thinking about, I wouldn’t be able to pay attention to whatever plan she came up with. Wow, it’s so weird that Trolls just get to. Pick their gender? Like, whenever they want? Or at least multiple times, I guess. I mean, that would explain what’s up with the Condesce being so… insistent about me being a girl despite how I look, I suppose. She’s not used to that being an issue, I guess. And why she didn’t really understand how the me from this universe couldn’t just say that she was a girl. But… some trolls definitely have breasts, and some don’t, like Tavros, so… I wonder how that works? Is it a hormone thing, or… is that what the injection I got was for? Wow, I just realized Rose would probably have a field day with all this gender stuff that I’m thinking about. Maybe I should ask her about it? But she would probably end up taking it really seriously and making a big deal out of it. Although it kinda is a big deal, I guess… But I can’t be even more distracted if I want to escape, and this gender stuff is really really distracting. So I just need to… stop worrying about gender stuff for the time being, not bring it up to Rose, and then when I escape, I can wonder about… all that. For right now, I’ll just… keep wearing the feminine clothes and letting the Condesce call me ‘June’, because it doesn’t really seem to affect me, and it makes her happy, I guess. And clearly, making her happy is already paying off, since it’s allowing me to talk with my friends! Okay. Alright. That makes perfect sense.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

EB: hi rose! apparently dave told you what happened with me and jade, so i thought i should let you know that i’m actually mostly okay, just being kept locked away by the troll empress for some reason.
TT: Yes. Thank you for informing me of that, but I was already aware of your predicament.
EB: oh, right. you could probably tell with like… your seer-y powers or something.
TT: Actually, no. My ‘seer-y powers’ are somewhat clouded with respect to you and your environs, I am afraid. Although I am not entirely sure why, I believe the effect is centered on one cell in particular, enough that I have no idea who or what that cell might hold.
I am aware of your current situation simply because Karkat informed me about what was going on, based on the conversation you had with him. Honestly, I was expecting you to contact me somewhat sooner than you did.
EB: wait, what all did he tell you about?
TT: That you were being held prisoner by ‘the Condesce’ but seemingly weren’t under obvious mind-control or suffering unduly, due to some unclear interest she has in you based off of your alternate self. Whyever do you ask?
EB: aha, yep, that’s definitely all we talked about! nothing else important. and i uh, just wanted to make sure he didn’t leave anything important out! because we’re making a plan, and all, if he forgot something important than we would be in a lot of trouble!
TT: Hmm. Well, if you are mind controlled or an impostor, I see that they have managed to replicate your… unique conversational habits when it comes to deceptiveness quite accurately.
EB: haha, what does that mean, rose?
TT: Oh, nothing. Just that I am reasonably sure you are indeed who you claim to be.
EB: oh, well. that’s good. so… if you’re sure that i’m me, do you have any plans for me to escape?
TT: I am afraid that discussing such plans here, where they would almost inevitably be monitored, would be quite counterproductive.
EB: that… makes sense. but what should we do, then! we’ve gotta come up with some way for me to escape, right?
TT: Well, personally, and on an unrelated note, I am somewhat tired. I believe I will be taking a nap sometime within the next… 30 minutes or so? So do not expect me to be active on pesterchum. I would recommend that you rest, as well.
EB: rose, what?!?! how can you just take a nap right now! we really need to figure out a way for me to escape! or at least figure out what the condesce is planning and why she kidnapped me in the first place!
TT: Often times, I find difficult situations are clarified by sleeping on them. Perhaps after a short rest, some new insight will present itself to you?
EB: but… ohh, wait, rose, are you saying that we should…
TT: I am sure I do not understand what you are meaning to imply about what I am saying at all. I simply intend to take a nap, to refresh myself, and recommend that you do the same.
EB: okay rose, i guess i’ll take a totally innocent and normal nap too! maybe i will have an interesting dream that gives me an idea as to what i should do! probably not though. ;B
TT: I am so glad to hear that you are taking an interest in your health by ensuring you get an appropriate amount of rest.
EB: yes rose, i am definitely just taking a nap because i am tired and for no other reason, just like you are! i will talk to you after our naps, because there is no way that we could talk together any time sooner, because we will be asleep. ;B
TT: Indeed, I am glad that you are explaining the mechanism of sleeping to me and the many things it renders temporarily impossible. Such as interpersonal communication.
EB: no problem, rose! always happy to help out!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

John grinned as he turned off the lights and headed for the bed, laying down and relaxing as best as possible, allowing himself to be lulled to sleep, in order to meet up with Rose in the Dreambubbles. Fortunately, three years of practice on the Prospitian battleship had rendered him quite the skilled sleeper, even with his running thoughts distracting him somewhat from his efforts: And the best part is, there’s no way the Condesce could have any idea what we’re planning! Who is the master of deception and spycraft? It’s me. I am the expert.

The Furthest Realm is never easy to navigate, practically by definition. However, Rose’s powers of Light, in combination with with the stubbornly lingering advice of the Horrorterror natives of the realm, turned the possibility of deliberately navigating the realm, which abandoned ‘non-euclidean space’ about 4 dimensions and one 300 degree right angle ago, from ‘nearly impossible’ to ‘fairly plausible’. And while a heir’s powers are more instinct-level than those of a Seer, Breath is very rarely at a loss for where to turn, rendering the fairly prompt meeting of the two mutually-searching dreamers in a vacant dream bubble suited quite nicely for their shared purpose of conversation nearly inevitable. Just as inevitable, in a practical sense, are their reactions upon spotting each other:

JOHN: ROSE! i’m so glad to see you! both because of the whole i’m imprisoned thing but also because it’s like… been a while since i’ve seen you last! i mean, i did see you for like, a second, before jade went all evil and scattered us all around, but that doesn’t really count, i don’t think. umm… you look nice!
ROSE: John, I am similarly pleased to see you, I’m sure. You also look well-kempt. On the subject of appearances, however, you appear to be wearing an admittedly quite fetching skirt. Is there perhaps something you may have neglected to inform me of, regarding your imprisonment and the details thereof? Or is this change in personal fashion unrelated?
At those words, John looked down, seeing that, indeed, his dreaming avatar had inherited the clothes he wore to his quick nap. Glancing back up revealed Rose’s expression: a smirk that was equally surprising and comforting to John. That is to say, not at all, on either count.

JOHN: umm… well…

JOHN: and that’s why i’m wearing a skirt.

Explaining the details of what all occurred took longer than it perhaps should have, but in the end Rose wrung the truth out with a minimum of prompting.

ROSE: Hmm. Well, I am glad you neglected to tell me about these specific aspects of doubt as to their relevance, rather than feeling guilty or ashamed over it.
JOHN: are you going to like… psychoanalyze me about it or something?
ROSE: I already have done so, I am afraid. The good news, Ju… John, is that your choice to wear feminine clothing, and your enjoyment in doing so, is not evidence of any sort of mental illness, except according to some wildly outdated concepts of how the world ought to work.

John heaved a sigh of deep relief. Wait, enjoyment in doing so? I don’t… enjoy wearing these clothes. Did I accidentally imply that I enjoy wearing them? Well… I mean, I did say that I don’t mind wearing them. Is that the same thing as enjoying wearing them? And they are pretty comfortable, I guess. Huh. Do I enjoy wearing them? Rose says that it’s not a problem if I do, but…

ROSE: You are right, though. A more detailed discussion of that topic will have to wait. We should really discuss what to do regarding your present imprisonment, for the time being.
JOHN: right! yes, right, okay, how do i escape? or are you going to rescue me? i’m on derse, and i think the condesce is the black queen of this session, since she has all the black pawny-guys listening to her.
ROSE: There are a few options available to us. If it becomes urgent, us breaking you out is definitely on the table.
JOHN: what do you mean, ‘if it becomes urgent’?
ROSE: Well, as you yourself admitted, you are not in any direct danger at your current location. Unless you are more uncomfortable or endangered than you have led us to believe, your presence within the Condesce’s own palace could be a significant boon. We do not currently have the ability to directly oppose her, so the possibility that you could uncover useful information, especially related to freeing Jade, is something I believe you should consider.

Rose’s matter-of-fact statement sent John reeling. I should stay with the batterwitch? Not even try to escape? He opened his mouth to protest, only to be cut off by Rose speaking again.

ROSE: If you are uncomfortable with this plan, I understand. But if you escape, it could enrage our foe, while for the moment, she is being extremely passive. I wouldn’t suggest this if I didn’t think it was the best course of action. However, it is up to you, ultimately, if you agree. If you still wish to attempt an escape, I will give my utmost aid.

John’s mind struggled with itself. I can’t just… sit around here. But… if Rose is right, and I don’t need to escape… then if I try, I could be putting my friends in danger. And even if I do escape, what would happen with Jade?

JOHN: well… if you really think that it’s a good idea, I guess…
ROSE: I do.
JOHN: okay then! plan: spy stuff is a go, then.
ROSE: Wonderful. If I may give some further advice, I am able to tell that there are a few other prisoners being held by the Condesce, who would be beneficial to meet up with.
ROSE: Ah, I think you’re about to awaken.

John nodded, feeling more confident about this plan now that he had a specific goal in mind. However, as he did so, something felt… off. A strange dizziness, or… fogginess, seemed to be infiltrating his mind. The figure of Rose in front of him blurred into streaks of color, and when he opened his mouth to speak, slurred sounds emerged. Rose’s voice met his ears as concerned crackle-pops of fireworks, each burst holding a single letter or maybe a full sentence, and the heir fell backwards, onto and then through the ground of the dream bubble and down down down down up up up up…

John awoke, limbs pressed close to his body as though bound, eyes squeezed shut and unable to open, and a disgusting-tasting slimy wetness in his mouth and nose and feeling as though it had infiltrated all the way into his sinuses.

The natural response to being placed in an uncomfortable, confining situation all of a sudden is almost invariably to scream for help, and thrash in an attempt at freedom. While it was impossible for John to scream at the moment, the panicked flailing was surprisingly productive despite the fact that his arms and legs were sluggish and unresponsive. Twisting and turning his head produced a sound vaguely reminiscent of wrapping paper being torn or perhaps plastic wrap being perforated, and the pronounced tightness on his head loosened somewhat. Although, his mind was too preoccupied by racing adrenaline-fueled thoughts to recognize these facts on any conscious level. What’s going on? Did the Condesce do this to me? Why would she tie me up and try to drown me, I thought I could… well, I guess not trust her, exactly. Since she’s evil and kinda crazy and all, but… well this seems really out of character for her! She was acting like she cared about me at least. What’s the point of doing all that if she’s just going to try to kill me in my sleep! Is she angry at me for wanting to escape? But she has to know I would want to escape, right?

While the Heir of Breath thought, his body squirmed and flailed with automatic motion, hindbrain recognizing the consciously inexplicable situation on some inherent level. Primitive and unfamiliar instincts buried deep in his brainstem responded to free him, pushing muscles into motion automatically, pushing and tearing at the mysterious substance enclosing him until the casing gave with a loud ripping. Moments later, his head was freed completely, allowing him to open his mouth, coughing, hacking, and wheezing to drive out the mucousy liquid filling his nostrils and mouth. Soon the throat and nose were clear enough to allow air to return in heaving gasps. Relief surged throughout his body as blood, nearly stagnant, was flooded with oxygen, body freeing itself from dormancy enough to crawl forward and out of the constricting husk even without the direction of his exhausted mind, ripping the casing open wider. Finally free, he wasted no time in rolling over and collapsing onto the floor, exhausted. As his eyes flickered open for a moment to gaze at the ceiling above, the looming figure of the Condesce revealed itself, a triumphant grin upon her face.

Chapter 6

)(IC: shell shell shell
)(IC: i knew youd do okay gill
)(IC: but that molt went betta then i efin HOP-ED
)(IC: i was a little worried you might not mako it on your own
)(IC: but you pulled it off like a champ
)(IC: specially for your first time
)(IC: im reely proud a you

There was no time to process the meaning of the Condesce’s words as John’s eyes closed again and he slipped into a dreamless unconsciousness, uncaring of the cold hardness of the surface beneath him.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: You are Dave Strider, correct?
TG: the one and only
TG: you have me at a disadvantage… actually, no, thats a dumb saying
TG: ‘you have me at a disadvantage’ is a really dumb thing to say, its not like knowing someones name makes you stronger than then or something
TG: im never at a disadvantage, because im practically a ninja with magic powers, but i dont know who you are
TG: cool magic powers, by the way
TG: not like the power of friendship
TG: i do absolutely have the power of friendship too though
TT: For the moment, my name is unimportant.
TG: nope
TG: that’s totally an evil villain thing to say
TG: rose might not have realized something was up with her white text guy
TG: but youre not getting a strider with that bottom of the barrel mystery shtick
TG: next thing you know youre gonna be asking me to solve your riddles three or something, and then where will we be.
turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT]
TT: Not gonna work, bro. I still have questions for you. So I’m not leaving you alone until I get answers.
TG: damnit why do they even have that block button
TG: has blocking someone ever worked
TG: it’s basically just begging someone to whip out their magic hacker ju-jitsu and style all over you like a 12 year old with a skateboard and enough soda in their bloodstream to meet a small nations caloric needs
TG: just absolutely flipping out with joy to be able to demonstrate their ability to bypass the blocking functionality of a mid-grade chat app
TG: hey are you even still there
TG: or has this cavalcade of trademark dave strider sass blown you away
TG: because if so i have bad news for you, im just getting warmed up
TG: you havent got the slightest idea what i can do to you once i reach my full power and start rapping
TT: I’m still here. So, you are definitely Dave Strider, it would seem. In that case… why? Why are you working with them?!
TG: gonna be honest, i have no idea who you’re talking about
TG: i make it a point to only work with grade a peeps
TG: sure they can’t always measure up to my awesomeness
TG: but who can
TG: i cant stay a solo gig forever here
TT: The trolls. Why are you working with trolls? You spent your life fighting them! You…
TG: what? i mean, okay, theyre a little crazy
TG: especially that clown
TG: but once you get to know them theyre pretty cool
TG: are you just pissy because karkat called you a ‘shiteating bulgemunch’ or something?
TG: because he calls everyone that, i honestly think that’s just the nubby little assholes way of saying hello
TG: oh crap, did terezi lick you or something? i can see how that might be a deal breaker
TT: The troll empress destroyed earth and killed billions of humans. All on her own.
TT: You dedicated your whole life to fighting her, and died facing her off directly.
and now, you’re letting a bunch of her murder-happy goons trail after you like fucking ducklings, while you sit around and twiddle your fingers rather than going after her.
TT: I’ve read your memos you know. Rather than fighting against the bitch who’s captured two of your human friends, you’re lazing around eating snack foods. You don’t even want to fight at all, you’re too scared
TG: wait, hold on a moment
TT: I hope you know that you’re a disgrace to the name Dave Strider. All this time, I wanted to meet my hero of a bro. But it turns out, instead, I meet a child who can’t even be bothered to kill the monsters right in front of him.
TG: that’s not what... karkat and the other trolls arent evil, theyre a little fucked up sure but
TT: Whatever.
TT: I shouldn’t have expected you to live up to the version of you that I know.
TT: Your whole group is probably her puppets, just as much as Jake’s grandmother.
TG: hey, asshole, hold on a second and stop monologuing
TT: Just keep out of my way. That bastard fish may have locked away my friends, but she made one mistake, and if I’m right and you are working for her, you can tell her that yourself:
TT: She left Dirk Strider alive.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

timaeusTestified [TT] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: that cant be good

For the second time in as many hours, John awoke in an unfamiliar situation. He felt himself lying against what he presumed was a thin mattress, although it felt oddly cool and slippery, but inexplicably comfortable despite that fact. This time around, his airways were perfectly clear, and his body was unrestrained. His eyes opened without resistance, revealing him to be in… the medical bay? A glance to the side confirmed that suspicion, as well as revealing the Condesce standing besides the… bed? cot? He had been placed on. As he turned to look at his own body, he saw it was covered beneath a light but opaque blanket. The sheet, however, could not obscure the two major discrepancies he immediately spotted. Those are. Those are r… breasts. I have breasts. The observation was inexplicably pleasant, not in any sexual way but more like scratching a bone-deep itch he… ...she? Am I a she now?.. had grown accustomed to. However, the hero of Breath pushed the sensation aside for the moment, much as with the sensation of wearing a skirt, finding solace in the familiarity of confusion and frustration.

JOHN: what… what happened?!
)(IC: its pretty simple gill
)(IC: you had your first molt
JOHN: i… first molt?
)(IC: yup
)(IC: i know molts aint really a thin for humans
)(IC: but it is reely shrimple
)(IC: you got a outer shell, some a the bits inside you get mixed up, you grow some new parts, and bam
)(IC: brand new you
)(IC: normally it takes a while
)(IC: specially when youre changin as much as you just did
)(IC: but that shot i gave you sped it up
)(IC: and started it a course
)(IC: since you wouldnt a on your own
JOHN: so… i have the body of a girl now? just like that?
)(IC: yup
JOHN: so, this is what you meant when you said you were going to give me a ‘body suiting a heiress’.
)(IC: oh juney no
)(IC: still got a buncha steps till your body is all ready
JOHN: still have a bunch of steps? Wait, what are you going to do next? turn me into a troll or something???

Her Imperious Condescension, Empress of Trollkind, stepped back a bit at the angrily snapped words. One hand went up to her mouth, Is she surprised? Upset? Horrified? and the giant beast paused for a moment, before making a distinctly familiar sound.

)(IC: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
)(IC: turn you into a troll
)(IC: turn you into a troll
)(IC: hehehe
)(IC: you really aint noticed it yet gill
)(IC: i already DID

The Condesce seized the sheet covering John’s body, pulling it away to reveal… pale grey skin, hands tipped with orange nails claws. Claws, not nails. The newly minted troll gasped, noticing for the first time the odd sensation as the air traveled not into familiar human lungs, but down unfamiliar winding routes into bellowsacs. With that catalyst, a million subtle changes made themselves known. The sharpened nature of the brand new fangs on the edge of crowding each other. The clarity of the unlit corners of the room that a human would just see as indistinct darkness. The subtle weight of horns making movement of the head feel sluggish and ill-coordinated. Far too much to handle under normal situations, let alone when already on the verge of a nervous breakdown after having just escaped a prison of your own skin. Panic began bubbling up, when suddenly, a wash of calm crashed over the storming emotional feedback, forcing it down.

)(IC: okay
)(IC: so dumpin it on you like that
)(IC: MAY not have been ma greatest plan -EV-ER
)(IC: but trust me
)(IC: you just gotta get used ta it
)(IC: youll be wonderin how you ever made it as a human within a few more molts
JOHN: a… a few more molts? more!?
)(IC: yep
)(IC: i told you
)(IC: that body still aint up ta royal standards yet
)(IC: i codnt just start you out in a fuschia body right from human
)(IC: you wouldnt know your own strength
)(IC: efin a weak fuschiablood can haul a whale around without breakin a sweat
)(IC: youd probably end up ripping yourshelf apart
)(IC: wave gotta work ya up slowly
JOHN: i…
)(IC: its not all bad though guppy
)(IC: pretty sure while im bringin ya up through the spectrum youll keep all tha psionics you pass through
)(IC: it took me decades ta unlock everythin
)(IC: but with my help youll be done in no time

John attempted to sit up, protest, anything. I don’t want to be a troll! I’m human! Change me back! However, his body declined to respond, signals apparently intercepted, and the calmness over his thoughts intensified more and more. It was clear that the source of this sensation was none other than the Condesce herself.

)(IC: youre probably still tired guppy
)(IC: can’t say im surfprised
)(IC: i know you just woke up
)(IC: but moltins a drain efin when you aint gettin a whole species change
)(IC: just go ahead and take a nap okray
)(IC: ill get you off that recupercot and inta a proper coon
)(IC: heh
)(IC: glubbin shell i sound JUST like a naggfin lusus

John glared in frustration, but with anger dulled, he saw her point, as little as he would like to admit it. His not mine. Not my body, I’m not a troll, this is just… body was running on little else than adrenaline, or the troll equivalent. The promise of resting, even with the unsettling mention of the slime-based troll sleep aid was frankly irresistible, and only compounded when combined with a firmer push of the Condesce’s psionics. Once more unconsciousness claimed the Heiress-to-be.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: yisss
TG: i am the greatest hacker
TG: no codes can stand against my fearsome magic kung-fu hacking skillz.
TG: knew i could hakc past the batterbitchs firewall
TG: so who r u fellow prizzie of the fishbitch
TG: prizzie = prisoner
TG: ur not 1 of my friends
TG: but ig any enemy of the batterwitch is a friend of mine
TG: and you gotta be someone special, the poor chess guys she’s bossin aroun ddont use pesterchum
TG: *around dont
TG: u hear me?
TG: not like ‘do you understand’ like litreally
TG: *literally ugh
TG: r u there
TG: do u hear me pingin you
TG: k pretty sure ur not therw
TG: *there
TG: ur probably bein torturd by the bitch or somethin
TG: hey wait why do u get a computer
TG: i had to void magic up this thin
TG: hope this isnt some weird honeypot or somethin to tell condy that i got my grubby mitts on a computer and am hacking her shit
TG: *shrug*
TG: if youre not just a trap respond whenever u can k
TG: be nice to talk to sum1 new
TG: jakes dog-grandma is nice and all
TG: specially since shes not hassling me about that eggy thing anymore for whatever reason
TG: but sometimes a gal has to talk to another human u know

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

Sleep dragged John through the dream bubbles, as the Hero of Breath still mentally reeled from the shock of quite literally waking up in a new body. What… what do I do now? I… I can’t let my friends see me like this, as a… as a troll! Who knows how they’d react? I mean, it’s not like they’re not at least a little used to trolls, but still, what if they don’t want to be around me anymore? And all the trolls probably won’t want to be around me either, what if they’re upset about me being a troll now?

Despite anything that he may have hoped, John’s dreaming form reflected the changes to his physical body to a tee, although the impact of the many biological alterations from the human norm were muted without the subtly different organs being actually necessary to keep the projected form alive. Examination in the reflective surface of a lake revealed the many changes to facial structure coming with both a different sex and species, as well as the form of the horns now borne atop his head: curved backwards and sharply spiked at the tip, almost resembling a pair of oversized fish hooks.

I look… wow. Wow, I look just like a girl. A girl troll, but still a girl. Well… I guess my friends won’t recognize me immediately if they spot me, at least. That’s a bit of a silver lining. Indeed, while there were distinct similarities to the face John bore as a human, they would be hard to spot if not pointed out, or if the observer were not searching for them. John’s spirits were buoyed by the discovery, and the human-turned-troll stood from kneeling to gaze into the lake, walking with an amount of subtle pep that surprised himself.

Chapter 7

??????: ひざまずいた姿勢があなたをもっと見せてくれました。
??????: あなたは私ですか、それとも迷惑な陽気な子孫の 1 つですか?

Shocked, John pivoted to look for the source of the unfamiliar voice, speaking a language he couldn’t understand, and quickly determined it: A ghostly troll girl, wearing somewhat strange clothing and taking a long drag from a cigarette.

JOHN: um… i don’t think i understand you. er, do i know you? you look kinda familiar…
JOHN: (oh wow, my voice sounds different now too?)
??????: うーん、あなたはまだこれを翻訳しています。私は翻訳を提供していますが。好奇心旺盛ですね。
JOHN: sorry, i really don’t understand you!
??????: うーん、まだ続きます。特別な秘密を見つけたいと思っているに違いない。あれですか？
??????: まあ、そこまで頑張るなら何かあげればいいのに。他の誰かのためにそれを台無しにしないでください。
??????: 最終的には、このストーリーでロード イングリッシュに会うことになります。 What your name, strange girl?
JOHN: w… oh, i understood that! my name is j…

John paused. Should I tell her my name is John? What if that makes her suspicious? Or my friends end up hearing about me, or…

JOHN: june.
JONE?: my name is june. what’s yours?
DAMARA: Damara.

With a haughty sniff, the troll ghost vanished, the disappearance accompanied by a flash of the red winding gears of the Time aspect as she channeled the powers of a Witch of Space.

JOHN: well that was rude!
JOHN: i wonder what her deal was. like what was that language she was speaking in? i know that’s not how trolls usually talk.

Although the Heir wandered further through the soothing terrain of the bubble, most likely built upon some doomed soul’s memories of a peaceful moment. That sense was preserved, allowing a thoroughly relaxing rest when compared to the previous few. Nothing more significant than a particularly elegant tree or another pool of crystalline water presented itself during the lazy stroll that took up the indistinct time before, once more, the tug of wakefulness arrived. Notably, the draw was slower than usual, feeling much less insistent if just as captivating, a sticky elastic snare compared to the expected jerk of a teather. I wonder if that’s because of the sopor slime… I guess it’s surprisingly nice, actually. Well, it does kinda make sense that it would feel nice, what with me having a troll body now, and the trolls can’t seem to get enough of sleeping in slime. Urgh, why did I have to remind myself of that, I was actually feeling pretty good.

As expected, John waking involved a moment of realization that his body was, indeed, submerged in the green substance of sopor slime. Getting out of the recuperacoon was fairly straightforward, with the design of the ‘coon featuring a somewhat lower wall than usual. The slime sloughed off fairly easily, leaving a thin residue that seemed to either evaporate away or be absorbed into the chitinous troll skin. I… hopefully it’s meant to do that. Wait, hold on, I’m naked!? A quick check revealed that indeed, no clothes were to be found. Did the Condesce undress me??? Or… right, right. After I ‘molted’, I didn’t have any clothes on…

Feeling exposed, a quick rummage through the closet, too hasty to pay much attention to what was grabbed, nevertheless produced a fairly appealing outfit: a long dress, paired with a light jacket, both tailored perfectly to suit the new feminine body they had to garb. Dressing was a somewhat complex affair thanks to the introduction of a second piece of underwear that was only familiar to John from Jade’s rants about their uncomfortable nature. However, when the production was complete, a glance in the mirror revealed… Huh. Wow, I look… really good. Definitely like a girl, but… really good. I… oh, wait, what’s that? Distracted from the contemplation of uncomfortable thoughts, he looked over to the computer, spotting the flashing light indicating unread messages. A short while later, he was responding to the stranger who had tried to contact him.

ectoBiologist [EB] began trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

EB: oh, hi!
EB: huh, my text color has changed too? what…

An attempt to correct his text color quickly led John to a metaphorical brick wall: Trollian, which had apparently replaced Pesterchum on his computer overnight, seemed to have ‘registered blood color and automatically enabled hemotyping’. Any attempt to alter the text color was met with a harsh error ping, and after several tries a popup reading ‘your local drone center has been informed of your repeated attempts to disguise your blood color, please remain where you are and await culling.’ which he could only hope didn’t actually apply in this case.

EB: ah… nevermind. anyway, sorry i missed your messages earlier, i just woke up. i’m still not quite dry, actually.
TG: not quite dry? lol ur cell comes with a shower too???
EB: uh, right, yeah. a shower.
TG: wow yur gettin th efuckin posh treatment arent u
TG: *the fuckin
TG: although im up for efuckin if u wanna *wonk*
EB: oh uh wow, um… no, no, i… i’m good, no thanks.
TG: el em ay oh
TG: dont worry princess im jus jerkin ur chain
EB: princess???
TG: yeh u had that ‘horrified bt wanna b polite’ thin
TG: + the posh cell
TG: just a joke
TG: u aint actually a princess or smth rite?
TG: thatd be a fuckin joke
TG: batterbitch locks up an old earth princess for shits n giggles
EB: um, no. i’m not a princess.
TG: damn was hopin ur aminal friends would save tha day or somethin
TG: steal the keys an get us out
EB: haha.
TG: what?
EB: oh, your joke about me having animal friends if i was a princess.
TG: joke?
EB: i mean, yeah, even if i was a princess that’s only a thing in movies or whatever.
TG: wait, rlly
TG: old earth princesses didnt all have animal friends theyd sing to or w/ever
EB: i never met one in person, but i’m pretty sure that’s just a thing in like, animated movies for kids, yeah.
TG: huh
TG: so u r from old earth wow
TG: u knew jane or jake?
EB: jane is the one with the… red outfit and pokey fork, right?
TG: well recently yeah
TG: le sigh
TG: sucks that the batterbitch is mind controllin her
TG: u know she used 2 be the heiress 2 fishbitchs empire
EB: wait, what?
TG: yep
TG: now shes just a mind slave and condys got a new heiress in mind
TG: accordin 2 jade at least
TG: that girl gosspis an awful lot
TG: u still there?
EB: um, yeah. sorry, just… thinking.
TG: its cool
TG: so why r u locked up in la casa del batterwitch?
EB: i… i’m not really entirely sure. the condesce has some interest in me, but i’m not sure what it is.
TG: sure ull find out real quick
TG: shes not subtel
TG: i got told what 2 do w/ a glittery pink file
EB: wow. what did she want you to do? you mentioned something about an ‘eggy thing’ didn’t you?
TG: yep
TG: batterbitch wants 2 bring back the troll race
TG: or wanted i guess
TG: couple days ago i got told that my abiltes wouldnt b needed anymore
TG: so she must have given up on that 4 some reason
TG: dunno why but i bet its not a sudden change of heart on wantin 2 b a evil dictator
EB: probably not, yeah. she’s kinda… unapologetically evil.
TG: lmao so true

A knock on the door roused John from the conversation with the strange yet undeniably interesting ‘tipsyGnostalgic’.

EB: i’ve got to go. there’s a pawn here to bring me to the condesce.
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

Once more, John was escorted to a novel portion of the castle, meeting the Condesce in what seemed to be a gymnasium. What, am I supposed to do physical fitness? Would that even do anything?
JOHN: hello?
)(IC: shello june
)(IC: howd yur first night in sopor treat ya
JOHN: it was… alright, i guess.
)(IC: glad ta hear it
)(IC: you wont wanna sleep without tha stuff
)(IC: horrible day terrors
)(IC: you CAN learn ta do okray without
)(IC: but it sucks a whole lot
)(IC: oh also DONT eat tha slime
JOHN: why? does it taste bad or something? and why would i want to in the first place?
)(IC: its a reel addictive drug that clams you down
)(IC: and also a nasty poison
)(IC: drives you insane
JOHN: oh. uh, i’ll… keep that in mind.
)(IC: anywave
)(IC: its time for you ta learn how ta use your power
JOHN: i’m pretty sure i have a really good handle on the breathy thing.
)(IC: not THAT power
)(IC: your new power
)(IC: PSIONICS
)(IC: specificalsea telekinesis
JOHN: … i can already lift things with my wind powers, you know?
)(IC: clam it
)(IC: trust me, these powers are badass
)(IC: i based the rustblood searum off the most powerful rustblood eva
)(IC: with some practice, you can probubbley haul whole-ass PLAN-ETS around
JOHN: … okay, that does sound pretty strong.
)(IC: but if conquerin earth on my own taught me anyfin its start small
)(IC: try pickin up that barbell

John stepped forward…

)(IC: with your MIND gill
)(IC: pick it up with your mind

The Condesce groaned in exaggerated disappointment, and John winced slightly. Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. I wonder how I’m meant to do this… with my windy powers, I just have to sort of… want the breeze to pick something up for me. Sometimes it seems like it does it on its own, even. Maybe it works like that?

Applying the same methodology to the unfamiliar psionics as the Sburb-granted power proved largely fruitless, however, the psionic powers rejecting the lazy intent that worked so naturally to instruct the helpful breeze.

JOHN: hrrm.
)(IC: water you doin gill
)(IC: it should be pretty straightforward

A subtle instinct suggested that as though a bit more deliberate command would be necessary, and John narrowed his eyes, focusing on the barbell, gripping it in his mind’s eye, trying to communicate the need for it be lifted up. The result was immediate, and shocking, as the metal weight was not just lifted, but flung forcefully into the ceiling.

)(IC: whale
)(IC: at least you got ahold a the power
)(IC: little moa finesse next time tho
JOHN: i think i know what i did wrong...

No command, no power. A little command, power, but no control. Is the trick that I have to really… boss the power around? That’s weird, but I guess it kinda makes sense, because I apparently have so much power. It’s like… opening a door that's being pushed open from the other side. If I don't touch it, it stays closed. If I just open it, it’ll get blown all the way open. So I need to open it just a little, and keep it from being blown open. Once more, he mentally grasped the barbell, wrapping the threads of his thoughts around it as he focused on the bit of weightlifting equipment. However, rather than simply allowing the psionics to act with a vague guidance, all the command he could muster was gathered, insisting that the barbell be lifted gently, not thrown, and allowed to hover off the ground, as he clearly visualized the desired effect, not allowing the psionic energy any mental crack to escape through and potentially wreak undirected havoc.

)(IC: good job so far june

Ju… John’s awareness drifted away from the visualization, and he saw that the barbell was hovering just as intended. Small adjustments in the mental command saw the barbell rotate end over end, sweep back and forth, and eventually drop to the ground, as he eventually started to feel the mental fatigue of the intense focus on the movements wearing on him, unused to requiring such deliberate intent to direct his powers.

JOHN: wow, that actually worked.
)(IC: shore did
)(IC: youre pretty much a natural at this gill
)(IC: whoda think you werent efin a troll yesterday

The fish-troll cackled, and John’s blood froze. I… am I really adjusting so well? I mean… once I figured it out, it… did seem pretty simple, am I just giving into troll instincts? Would I have thought to try to command the power to do what I want if I was still a human? I… am I not even thinking like a human anymore? Wait, is the Condesce mind controlling me? I still want to defeat her, and escape… and I still definitely want to be turned back human again. I just… I can’t get too used to this. I need to remember that this body isn’t right. It’s a troll body. A girl troll body, it’s not my body. I just need to not lose track of that, and I’ll make it out of all of this okay. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.

)(IC: june
)(IC: JUN-E
)(IC: you ok gill
)(IC: you spaced out there
JOHN: i… um. i… i think maybe i’m still kinda tired…
)(IC: hmm
)(IC: okray
)(IC: you made some pretty dam good progress already
)(IC: and controllin psionics when your tired is tricky
)(IC: an i dont want another hole in my ceiling
)(IC: so
)(IC: you should go ahead an take a break
)(IC: meditate on what you learned or waterever im supposed to say when im trainin someone
)(IC: do you know the wave back to your room or should I call another pawn ta guide you
JOHN: i… i think i can get back on my own.

Not waiting on a response, John left, trying to hide his heavy breathing.

Notes:

Damara's lines for mobile users, in order:
1: The kneeling position made you look more attractive.
2: Are you a me, or one of the annoying cheerful descendant?
3: Hmm. You are not a me or my descendant ancestor. Yet you bear my blood. Curious.
4: Wait. i see you bear not of my blood, but His Handmaiden’s. What is this blasphemy?
5: You carry no clockwork magic though i sense. Just my or her natural power with ghosts and lifting.
6: I will have to tell stuck-up bitch skeleton clown about this.

Chapter 8

Despite John’s initial confidence, it was taking longer than expected to find the entrance to the room he was occupying. The walls were all so similar, and it wasn’t until he found himself wandering along a row of unfamiliar cell doors that it was clear that the way he was traveling wasn’t correct. Wait, was I supposed to turn left previously? I was sure I remembered the way back… goddamnit, I’m so lost, aren’t I. Frustrated, he lashed out, kicking a cell door. While the kick didn’t do any damage, it did create a rattling noise and, apparently, alerted the occupant of a nearby cell, as an anxious voice could be heard.

????: Hello? Is there some fine fellow out there that might lend me a hand? I’m plumb bored here and it’d be lovely to see another person.

Alarmed, John peeked into the room, seeing a boy about the same age as him, clothed in… Is that a speedo? It’s bright yellow too, that is… wow. Well, at least he’s wearing a shirt.

????: Janey? Is that you? Please chum, i know this isn’t you, we’re pals! You’ve never really wanted any of that sort of stuff with me, it’s just that dadgum headband messing with your horse sense. You’ve just gotta get that head of yours on straight!

Thankfully, the door opened from the outside when John tried to enter. I bet this is one of the prisoners Rose saw was important. Come to think of it, tipsyGnostalgic probably is too, isn’t she…. Light poured into the room from the corridor as he entered the cell, getting a better look at the somewhat grubby-looking teen occupant of the room.

JOHN: are you… jake?
JAKE: Well, yes, by gum! Who might you be, then, miss?

Miss? Right. Of course, I look like a girl, I sound like a girl, I’m dressed like a girl. There’s no reason why he would think I was anything other than a girl, isn’t there. Should I correct him? Ugh, that sounds like it would need an awful lot of explaining, and I don’t know how long I have here before someone realizes I’m not really supposed to be here.

JONE?: i’m… june.
JAKE: Capital name there June, glad to make your acquaintance. Now then, am i to assume you’re the charming daughter of the evil emperess?
JONE?: the what? the daughter of the condesce? w… why would you think that?

Of all the things he could know about, the fact that the Condesce is acting like my mother? Great, that’s the last thing I needed to be thinking about again right now.

JAKE: Well, that’s how it goes in all the films, isn’t it? The dashing adventurer is bound up by some dastardly rapscallion, and is rescued by the villains charming and kind-hearded daughter.
JONE?: i… well, i’m definitely not her daughter. i mean, obviously. i’m human, for one thing.
JAKE: Now hold on just a dad-blasted minute there lass, i might not be some techno-wiz like roxy or dirk, but i’m no fool, and i wasn’t born yesterday. It may be dark as all get out in here, but even i can see those horns poking out of your hair, and i’ll eat my hat if that skin of yours isn’t gray.

I take it back, this is the last thing I need to be thinking about again right now.

JONE?: i…
JAKE: I don’t appreciate you trying to hornswoggle me, not one bit. It’s clear as the sky is blue that you’re no more human than i’m an imp! Not to worry though, i’ve known a couple quite charming trolls, i won’t hold that against you!
JONE?: it’s… it’s kinda more complicated than…

Damnit, damnit, damnit. Of course he’d think I’m a troll, why would I even bother saying I’m human. I should have expected that. Should I even try to help him escape? He says he won’t hold me being a troll against me, but would he really trust a troll to help him escape? What do I…

JANE: June?! What are you doing in my… in the prisoner’s room?

Damnit!

JOHN: er, i got kinda lost on the way back to my room…
JANE: That does not explain why you are in here, unless you expected Jake to be able to give you directions.

Jane accompanied that suggestion with a sneer.

JOHN: no, i just. i saw someone was in here and got… curious?
JANE: You would do well to remember, June, that despite the liking that Her Condescension has for you, you are still technically a prisoner here.
JOHN: i haven’t forgotten. it’s pretty hard to forget something like that.
JANE: In that case, you should refrain from entering restricted areas due to feeling ‘curious’. Understood? Jake is mine.
JAKE: I don’t think…
JANE: No. You clearly do not think. Thankfully for you, thinking is quite explicitly not part of your job description. Now, shut your mouth before I staple it shut, do I make myself understood?
JOHN: jake is… yours? what does that mean?
JANE: It doesn’t matter what it means. All that matters is that Her Imperious Condescension promised him to me, so even you don’t get to touch him!
JOHN: hmm.
JANE: I recommend you leave, now. Me and Jake have some things to talk about. Privately.

John grimaced. Clearly, leaving Jake with the mind-controlled Jane was not going to go well by any stretch of the imagination, but he still didn’t have access to his strife specibus, and he didn’t exactly want to try to fight Jane anyway. Not to mention, if he caused trouble, the Condesce could always take away the ability for him to communicate with his friends. And if she does that, the only way to meet them would be in my dreams, looking… looking like a troll. Would they even believe me that I was me? Would it be better or worse if they did recognize me, even?

JOHN: i guess i’ll leave.
JANE: Hmm. Good.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TT: Hello, are you well?
TT: I have been meaning to contact you via previously discussed methods, but have been unable to locate you.
TT: And I notice now that your text color appears to have been altered for some reason.
TT: What is going on? Dave and the trolls are quite concerned about your disappearance for several days, given the circumstances of your imprisonment.

Seeing the just-sent messages when he finally managed to return to his room, John rested his face in his palms. What do I tell her? She always manages to see through my lies, so I can’t just say it’s nothing, but I can’t explain what happened! What would she think if she knew I was turned into a troll? Plus, she’d probably tell everyone.

EB: uh, hi. um… i really don’t know why my text color changed, i think it was maybe a glitch or something? and the reason i was offline for so long was because the condesce got pissed over something i did and temporarily took away my communications as punishment, i think.
TT: Hmm. And why have you apparently not been getting enough sleep?
EB: i… don’t know if i can really explain, i’ve just… um, been having a lot of trouble finding you? i really don’t know why, or anything.
TT: You know you can tell me anything, right? Regardless of the potential… sensitivity of the issue?
EB: um, haha, i really don’t know what you’re talking about, rose! no sensitive issues here that i’m avoiding telling anyone about, i promise!
TT: …very well.
TT: If you’re sure there’s nothing, I won’t try to push you.
TT: I don’t think I can promise that Dave won’t attempt to do so, however. He is quite worried.
EB: okay. oh, by the way, i did meet a couple other prisoners here.
TT: Good, they’re almost certainly going to end up being very relevant in the near future.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

Well… great. She clearly didn’t believe me. Does she actually know what’s going on? She’s probably just guessing or something, there’s no way she’d still be talking with me if she knew what was going on… The computer chimed. Man, I hope that isn’t dave…

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: u + i nede to hava talk bout somethin imporptant
Well, that’s a little ominous, but on the bright side, she is nice to talk to. And I won’t have to worry about the whole troll thing with her.

EB: what is it?
TG: u mremmber how i sad i haev leet haxxor skills, y?
TG: *rememmer *said
EB: um, yeah, i think so.
EB: what about them?
TG: imma b hones there
TG: *honest here
TG: ur sotory about the fishbiscgh ‘jus bein interseted’ in u
TG: smellstd of riep bullshit to my traned sniffer
EB: i guess that makes sense. but i really can’t tell you much more that would make sense! pretty much none of it even makes sense to me.
TG: uhuh
TG: sos i did sum diggnin
TG: with my haceker spills
TG: *skills
TG: an it turms out, i cant break inta ur messgge history or anthyin
TG: but i did notiec soem werd trafic bewteen u an a sattlihtgh
TG: *sattelite
TG: a sattlinght that tursn out, connexts *off of derse*
TG: u undersands?
EB: i
EB: um
TG: so now ‘m thinkin.
TG: thsi bitcptch is livin in tha lap of luxurey
TG: dosen’t seem realy concernd about the hole prissoner thin
TG: apparetly meets with tha batterwith directly when iv not seen her fihs face so far
TG: an hast a connezion off derse when evn tha chess guys tondt
TG: *dont
TG: u kno wha hat spessls to mio
TG: *that spells
EB: er
TG: ur not a prizzie at all
TG: u ar a grad A fischbith minion
TG: rnt u?
TG: fujkin right hand man fore the genosidal bithp or somethnin
TG: r mbly ur actually her all alnomng
TG: laghin at the dumb humnen bein so trustn ans stuff
TG: godamnigt anser me yu fucksnt bitht
TG: ggofdannmindt!!!
TG: thouggvght i foun somone wgho might remmer old eartfg. Migh even haf known my mom an dirks pbro
TG: bt if ur actuassl evn a human
TG: ur pprogbslsy on of the collablrtrs thay foughht to killl
TG: sos once mor mhy closes connection ta momlonde is thh fuckin boozzin
TG: at list i van voiedey up alchhol
TG: dun habvea deleal wght this blushidt sovver.
TG: aned esctra godc thin im a bitchpin inough hackbergal
TG: tpw messfge dirk corddsnibts by pigghybakling on ur connzesction
TG: hegh
TG: siuckers
TG: hs gonnea burmn this plase to the grounfd
TG: shoncd’t ave tryed to trik a manster hacerkhjuygtfd
TG: nvvsdvscxx xz

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has fainted from overconsumption of alcohol.

Chapter 9

Notes:

Short chapter after a 2 week wait again I know... sorry
Honestly I just wrote like 66% of this in the last hour
Motivation is just shot IG
sorry.
will do my best to keep this from dying

)(IC: okray
)(IC: i’m not totally shore how much of that schoolfeedin youve been actually readin
)(IC: poor old glubby knows I sharked the shell off of studyin all that ship
)(IC: so im gonna go ahead an give you a quick briefin on what it is well be workin with tonight
)(IC: mind control
)(IC: now dont tell anyone this cause itd give them ideas but brownbloods actually won the alternian lottery with that power
)(IC: shore technically its animal empathy or somefin
)(IC: but reely its mind control through and through
)(IC: so gill
)(IC: you ready to subjugate a beach to your will

With a startlingly familiar flash, one that John had witnessed hundreds if not thousands of times before, on the journey across the Yellow Yard, a figure appeared, seen first as a void in the crackling energy before materializing fully.

John: a… cat? you want me to mind control a cat.
)(IC: this is so much more than just a cat gill
)(IC: say hello ta godcat
John: god… cat?
)(IC: i will admit, tha people on this earth were much less creative than yours or alternia when it came to namin their first guardian
John: first guardian… i think Jade mentioned something about that. something about her dog?
)(IC: long story short
)(IC: (like really really long these guardian bastards have the most complex perchsonal histories)
)(IC: this meowbeast has green sun powers
)(IC: yes just like your jades barkbeast
John: so you want me to try to mind control it?
)(IC: go ahead and give it a shot

The knowledge of how to direct the telekinesis he possessed was a mixed blessing when John attempted to reach out to the pure-white feline. The first couple attempts resulted in either outright failure, or a strange slippery sensation as telekinetic force slid off of the cat.

)(IC: not tryin ta lift it gill

With a low growl of frustration as the sole response to the Empress’s chiding comment, John found his sense of his psionics slipping once more. Annoyed, he made no attempt to recapture the focus, ready to give up for the day and simply return to his room.

However, as his focus slipped, right as the telekinetic force waned, the bronzeblood felt a new awareness quicken in him. With a desperate mental grab, he seized the force, gripping it tightly. Suddenly, the cat licking its paw disinterestedly seemed to shine with a new light. Pushing at the cat, there was a brief sensation of resistance until suddenly…

Green

So much green

Burning in it without pain

Drowning in it without needing to breathe

The only sight is green and the only smell is green and the only taste is green

Feel green and hear green

Know what it is to know the sun

)(IC: ship
)(IC: shit
)(IC: up you come

)(IC: you okray gill
)(IC: not gonna lie you gave me quite a fright
John: so much Green
)(IC: yeah you need a bit of a break i think
)(IC: fuck
)(IC: really wasn’t expectin that gill
)(IC: i saw that it clicked for you
)(IC: but then you just started kinda foamin at the mouth
John: everything is Green
)(IC: okray
)(IC: whale
)(IC: seems like you need a bit of a nice nap in some good calmin sopor
)(IC: an i won’t be gettin ya ta mess with any first guardian minds for a while
)(IC: at least until youve got a lot more practice an mental fortitude

John barely had the strength to nod before collapsing, head falling onto the lap of Her Condescension, unable to hear her muttered words.

)(IC: dam
)(IC: maybe this was really a bit too far

Chapter 10

What do I do? I can’t leave, and I don’t know who exactly ‘Dirk’ is but he definitely sounds threatening, and at least kinda familiar. Not to mention I apparently drove Rose’s… daughter? Ectobiological mother who was apparently raised by the version of her in this universe? Whatever, to drink herself to unconsciousness. Which… come to think of it, it sounds like she needs help. But I can’t just go and see her, she clearly hates trolls… fuck, what do I do? Should I ask Rose what to do? She might know, but… John groaned, laying his face in his hands. As he did so, one name in his Chumproll? Why does Trollian have to make so many dumb changes… caught his eye. Terezi! She’s a seer like Rose, isn’t she? She ought to be able to help out, and she probably won’t be as curious about what’s going on with me…

ectoBiologist [EB] began trolling gallowsCalibrator[GC]

EB: terezi? i need some advice.
GC: 4R4D14? WH4T DO YOU N33D?
GC: W41T, YOUR3 NOT 4R4D1A… JOHN?
GC: CH4NG1NG YOUR T3XT COLOR TO PL4Y 4 PR4NK ON 4 BL1ND G1RL 1S V3RY RUD3 YOU KNOW
EB: i didn’t change it to play a prank on you.
GC: F1GUR3S
GC: WHY NO MOR3 SKY BLU3 TH3N?
GC: 1 DONT R34LLY TH1NK R4SPB3RRY SU1TS YOU B3TT3R
EB: i didn’t change it at all. i’m not sure why it changed, i think it must be a glitch or something.
GC: HHHHHHHHHHMMMM
GC: NOP3!
EB: er, nope?
GC: 3V3N W1TH YOUR N3W COLOR, I C4N ST1LL SN1FF OUT TH3 S1GN4TUR3 SC3NT OF D3C3PTION.
GC: YOU D1DNT CH4NG3 1T, Y3S
GC: BUT YOU KNOW WHY 1T W4S CH4NG3D
GC: 4ND… OH MY
GC: YOU AR3NT P3ST3RING M3 AT ALL!
GC: SOM3BODY 1S US1NG TROLL14N
EB: uh, yeah, the condesce installed it on my computer and removed pesterchum for some reason. i can’t change away from this text color because it won’t let me.
GC: >:O
GC: SO M4NY F4SC1N4T1NG CLU3S
GC: L3AD1NG M3 R1GHT TO YOUR S3CR3TS >:]
GC: C4R3 TO CONF3SS 4ND THROW YOURS3LF 4T TH3 M3RCY OF TH3 COURT?
EB: um, look, i really really need your advice on this problem, and it’s not related to the reason my text color is changed, so maybe we could just talk about my problem?
GC: NOT 4 CH4NC3! TH1S MYST3RY 1S TOO FASC1NAT1NG
GC: 4ND DONT TH1NK 1 D1DNT NOT1C3 TH4T 4M3T3UR 4TT3MPT 4T D3FL3CT1ON FOR WH4T 1T W4S
GC: YOUR3 4CT1NG 4FULLY GU1LTY
GC: NOW TH3N, WHY WOULD H3R COND3SC3NT1ON ST34L 4W4Y YOUR SKY BLU3 COLOR
GC: SH3 M1GHT H4V3 W4NT3D YOU TO TYP3 1N FUSCH14
GC: BUT RUST? TO 4 TROLL, 1T COULD B3 4 HUM1L14T1NG PUN1SHM3NT
GC: BUT TH4TS NOT H3R MODUS OP3R4ND1
GC: 4ND YOUR3 NOT A TROLL
EB: it’s really not that big a deal! you really don’t need to think that hard about it…
GC: TROLL14N 4UTOM4T1C4LLY D3T3CTS BLOOD COLOR UNL3SS YOU C4N TR1CK 1T SOM3HOW L1K3 K4RKL3S D1D, BUT HUM4NS 4R3 D3L1C1OUS C4NDY R3D, NOT RUSTY R4SPB3RRY…
GC: SO
GC: TH3 COND3SC3 WOULDNT S3T YOUR H3MOTYP1NG TO RUST
GC: YOU D1DNT S3T 1T TO RUST
GC: TROLL14N WOULD H4V3 S3T 1T TO C4NDY R3D 1F 4NYTH1NG
GC: 4ND YOU KNOW WHY 1T H4PP3N3D SO 1TS NOT JUST R4NDOM L1K3 YOU CL41M3D
GC: 1TS 4LSO SOM3TH1NG YOU DONT W4NT UNCOV3R3D
GC: TH3S3 F4CTS 4R3NT 4LL L1N1NG UP
GC: >:[
GC: TH3R3 MUST B3 SOM3TH1NG 1M M1SS1NG
GC: TH3 COND3SC3
GC: TROLL14N
GC: 4ND YOU
GC: YOU D1DNT CH4NG3 1T
GC: YOUV3 B33N W1LL1NG TO S4Y WH4T H1C H4S B33N DO1NG
GC: TROLL14N WOULDNT CH4NG3 YOUR H3MOTYP1NG TO…
GC: TO 4 COLOR OTH3R TH4N YOUR BLOOD
GC: K4RK4T S41D YOU M3NT1ON3D M3D1C4L 3XP3R1M3NT4T1ON...
EB: haha good talk good talk you know i think i can figure out my problem on my own so we don’t need to keep talking and you don’t need to keep thinking about my text color okay fine good got to run
GC: OH NO YOU DONT
GC: 1F YOU L34V3 1 W1LL JUST B3 FORC3D TO T3LL 3V3RYON3 MY SUSP1C1ONS >:]
GC: SO YOU B3TT3R ST4Y R1GHT H3R3 4ND NOT RU1N MY D3DUCT1ON SC3N3 SUSP3CT
EB: you really really really don’t need to…
GC: SO
GC: M3D1C4L 3XP3R1M3NT4T1ON
GC: WHY WOULD TH3 COND3SC3 H4V3 4 HUM4N H31R3SS?
GC: WHY WOULD TROLL14N G1V3 YOU 4 TROLL BLOOD COLOR?
GC: WH4T 1S 1T TH4T YOU WOULD F1ND SO R3PUGN4NT TH4T YOU WOULD TRY SO H4RD TO D1STR4CT M3 FROM?
GC: TH3 4NSW3R 1S SO S1MPL3
GC: 1TS PR4CT1C4LLY ST4R1NG 1N MY F4C3
GC: SO
GC: HOW IS B31NG 4 TROLL TR34T1NG YOU
GC: 3GB3RT?
EB: ... gogdamnit

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Roxy.
TT: I got your message.
TT: I’m on my way to rescue you and Jake.
TT: And Jane if we can get that headband off of her somehow.
TT: You should know one of the heroes from the other timeline has been captured as well.
TT: We’ll be grabbing him as well, he should be useful.
TT: Roxy?
TT: Roxy, are you there? Please respond.
TT: Roxy!
TT: Damnit! Damnit damnit damnit, if she hurt you…
TT: Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

)(IC: heh heh heh
)(IC: all according to prawn
)(IC: beaches

GC: TH4T SM3LLS L1K3 4 CONF3SS1ON TO M3!
EB: i, no, i was just…
EB: okay, fine, whatever. yes you guessed right, the condesce turned me into a troll. now that that’s over with, can we talk about the actual problem i was going to ask you about?
GC: OF COURS3 NOT!
GC: 1 H4V3 M4NY QU3ST1ONS TO 4SK ST1LL
GC: YOU C4NNOT 3XP3CT M3 TO B3 S4T1SF13D SO 34S1LY W1TH SO M4NY 4SP3CTS TO TH1S MYST3RY ST1LL UN3XPL41N3D
GC: F1RST OF WH1CH 1S: WHY RUSTBLOOD?
GC: SUR3, YOURE A TROLL
GC: BUT 4 RUSTBLOOD ST1LL C4NT B3 H31R3SS
GC: WHY NOT FUSCH14?
EB: ugggggh. fine, i’ll just tell you. she said if i ‘jump right to fuschia’ i’ll end up misjudging my strength and ripping my own arm off or something.
EB: also, she wants me to keep access to the psychic powers that some trolls have? which… i do have to admit, the telekinesis is pretty cool. tricky to control though.
GC: SH3 W4NTS 4 H31R3SS W1TH 3V3RY PSYCH1C POW3R?
GC: WOW, TH4TS L1K3 SOM3TH1NG FROM 4N 34ST 4LT3RN14N POW3R F4NT4SY 4N1M3
GC: WHY WOULD SH3 CR34T3 SUCH 4 POW3RFUL THR34T?
EB: apparently, she has all the psychic powers too? she got them by some other method, though. it sounds like this way is much quicker.
GC: HMMMMM…
EB: NOW can i ask you about the problem i contacted you about in the first place???
GC: SUR3 WH4T3V3R NO N33D TO G3T SN1PPY
GC: G33Z3
EB: i… you… god you’re being so annoying.
GC: >:]
GC: TH4NKS FOR TH3 COMPL3M3NT BUT G3T TO TH3 QU3ST1ON 3GB3RT
EB: hhhhhh… okay, so rose said there’s a couple of other prisoners here who are important and probably helpful. but both of them think i’m working for the condesce because of how she’s been treating me and the whole… troll thing. and also one of them called in like, an orbital strike or something? she said she sent her coordinates to someone named ‘dirk’.
GC: D1RK?
GC: 1 TH1NK D4V3 M3NT1ON3D B3ING CONT4CT3D BY 4 D1RK
GC: HOLD ON 4 S3COND
GC: H3 SHOULD PROB4BLY T3LL YOU H1MS3LF!

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator[CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board G3T YOUR 4SS3S 1N H3R3 3GB3RT 4ND STR1D3R.

CURRENT ectoBiologist[CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: i really don’t see why we had to do this three-way memo thing instead of you just asking dave and sharing his response.
CGC: TRUST M3 MY V3RY R3L14BL3 S33R POW3RS 4R3 T3LL1NG M3 1TS 34S13ST TH1S W4Y
CURRENT turntechGodhead[CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: comeon egbert
CTG: you dont want to even talk to your number one bro in person?
CTG: well i guess not in person, but that makes it even more mildly insulting
CTG: that you need two levels of digital separation to be willing to talk to me about how your day is going in the castle of the evil troll witch who has kidnapped you like a princess in a fairy tale
CEB: what is it with everyone calling me a princess lately? like three entirely separate people today.
CTG: idk man
CTG: you just have that sort of aura or something
CEB: whatever. so, dirk? who is he?
CTG: right
CTG: i dont really know that much
CTG: he basically just shot me a bunch of messages and then disappeared
CTG: seems like he really hates trolls
CTG: like imagine if there was this one… i dont know
CTG: crab
CTG: who wiped out all of humanity
CTG: and thats the only crab you ever heard of
CTG: i was going to extend this metaphor but its really shitty so yeah
CTG: anyway
CTG: he thinks that all the trolls are evil and im evil for being chill with like
CTG: karkat and everyone
CTG: on the bright side he seems pretty worried about you actually
CTG: so if he is going after the condesce you probably can escape
CTG: and then hopefully explain that everything's chill
CEB: okay. um. yeah, i just need to be the ambassador to the troll hating guy. that… that’ll work just great.
CGC: 4R3 YOU S3R1OUSLY NOT GO1NG TO T3LL H1M 3GB3RT
CTG: tell me what
CEB: i uh. um. i kinda pissed off his friend roxy
CEB: she… kinda thinks i’m working for the condesce because i have a connection off of derse to talk to everyone
CGC: >:/
CGC: 3GB3RT
CGC: YOU 4R3 H1D1NG V3RY 1MPORT4NT 1NFORM4T1ON FROM YOUR 4LLY H3R3…
CTG: what is going on
CTG: is terezi just messing with us or is there seriously something important
CEB: i
CEB: well um…
CEB: i really don’t know how to word this but…
CGC: FUCK 1T
CGC: D4V3
CEB: wait no just give me a second i just…
CGC: 3GB3RT 1S 4 TROLL NOW
CEB: DAMNIT TEREZI! i… i could have fucking told him on my own! I was about to!
CTG: wait what
CGC: MY W4Y W4S F4ST3R 4ND MOR3 FUN FOR M3
CTG: what do you mean john is a troll
CTG: like troll as the internet term
CEB: terezi i am going to. i. i don’t even know!
CTG: is this all just a prank or something
CGC: 4FRA1D NOT D4V3! TROLL 1N TH3 4LT3RN14N S3NS3
CGC: SUR3LY YOU WOND3R3D 4BOUT TH3 T3XT COLOR CH4NG3?
CGC: TH3 R4SPB3RRY 1S H3MOTYP3D JUST 4S 4CCUR4T3LY 4S YOUR OWN C4NDY R3D!
CEB: are you going to let me explain anything myself! like maybe so i can say it a bit more tactfully or something instead of you laying it out like a dead fish in your dumb all-caps leetspeak?! i swear i will find some way to telekinesis through text and pay you back for this!
CTG: okay uh
CTG: this
CTG: does not seem like a joke or a prank
CGC: D3F1N1T3LY NOT
CEB: yeah. unfortunately. if it was, it would actually be pretty funny though.
CTG: so
CTG: you’re a troll with the gray skin and horns and all that
CTG: and it sounds like different colored blood?
CEB: i guess, yeah… i don’t really like thinking about it.
CTG: thats pretty fucked up
CTG: i’m guessing it’s the troll empress’s fault, right?
CEB: yeah.
CGC: Y3S
CTG: damn
CTG: is it at least like
CTG: temporary? like a jekyll and hyde or werewolf sort of situation?
CEB: i...
CTG: have you told anyone other than terezi?
CEB: i didn’t ‘tell’ terezi, she ‘deduced’ it.
CEB: that’s why she’s having so much fun telling you all about it.
CEB: she gets to show off just how smart she is, and humiliate me at the same fucking time.
CTG: so i am going to guess thats a no on having told anyone else
CEB: yeah. rose seems to suspect something though.
CTG: you know you should probably tell everyone soon
CEB: goddamnit.
CEB: yeah, i guess.
CEB: fuck it, why shouldn’t i just tell everyone i got fucking mutated.
CEB: ughhhhh…
CTG: john
CEB: uuuuuuuurrghhhh. fine. yeah, fine, i will, if terezi holmes over there can keep her mouth closed for long enough for me to figure out how to tell everyone properly. so no-one panics and i don’t get bombarded with questions again.
CGC: 1 M4K3 NO PROM1S3S >:]
CGC: 4T 4NY R4T3 TH3 R3L3V4NT 1NFORM4T1ON H4S B33N D1SCUSS3D
CGC: 4ND 1 S3NS3 TH4T NOW WOULD B3 4 GOOD T1M3 TO H4LT
CGC: THUS 1 C4LL TH1S M33T1NG 4DJOURN3D

Chapter 11

turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator[GC]
CTG: i didnt bring this up with john around because even i can tell hes not dealing well with the troll thing
CTG: but
CTG: are you seriously hate flirting with him?
CTG: and it looked almost like he was flirting back?
CGC: OK4Y SO
CGC: TO NO-ON3S SURPR1S3
CGC: 3GB3RT 1S 1ND33D NOT COP1NG W3LL W1TH B31NG 4 TROLL
CGC: L1K3 4T 4LL
CGC: 1T M1GHT G3T B3TT3R BUT 4S 1S… 1TS 4BOUT 4S F4R FROM GOOD 4S POSS1BL3 W1TH 3V3RYTH1NG GO1NG ON
CGC: WH1CH 1S 4 PROBL3M B3C4US3 1F 4LL THOS3 3MOT1ONS 4ND 1NST1NCTS K33P BU1LD1NG UP TH3R3 *1S* 4 BR34K1NG PO1NT
CGC: 4ND WH3N 4 TROLL BR34KS A LOT OF OTH3R TH1NGS 4ND P3OPL3 G3T BROK3N
CGC: YOU HUM4NS C4N H4NDL3 YOUR WHOL3 P4L3 POLY ‘FR13NDSH1P’ TH1NG JUST F1N3
CGC: BUT TH3R3 4LSO N33DS TO B3 4 H34LTHY OUTPUT FOR TH3 MOR3
CGC: H4T3Y
CGC: F33L1NGS
CGC: S3LF H4TR3D DO3SNT GO W3LL W1TH TROLL B1OLOGY
CGC: 4ND TH3R3S 4 LOT OF 1T 1N 3GB3RTS M1ND R1GHT NOW
CGC: 4BOUT 4 WHOL3 LOT OF STUFF
CGC: TH3 R3SPONS3S YOU NOT1CED 4R3 MOR3 1NST1NCT TO B31NG CH4LL3NG3D TH4N THOUGHT THROUGH BL4CKFL1RT1NG
CGC: BUT 1 WONT D3NY TH4T 3GB3RT 1S THOROUGHLY
CTG: whoa there
CTG: nope
CTG: no
CTG: nada
CTG: i do not need your description on how you find my best bro ‘attractively hatable’ or anything
CTG: at all
CTG: i wont lie this seems a little skeezy
CTG: like
CTG: johns been a troll for less than a week
CTG: robbing the slime insect cradle much and all
CTG: but
CTG: i guess you are the ‘seer of mind’ or whatever
CTG: so if anyone can tell if he’s going to flip off the handle and pull a gamzee
CTG: it’s probably you
CGC: 1M GL4D YOU UND3RST4ND TH4T TH1S 1S 1N 3V3RYON3 4ND 3SP3C14LLY 3GB3RTS B3ST INTER3ST
CTG: why do you keep calling him egbert instead of john by the way
CTG: i thought it was maybe part of the being annoying thing
CGC: TH4T
CGC: 1S NOT MY S3CR3T TO SH4R3
CGC: SUFFIC3 TO S4Y
CGC: ‘M1NDY S33RY STUFF’
CTG: fine
CTG: but if this goes wrong and your ‘healthy output’ ends up hurting john or even just making him uncomfortable
CTG: or if you’re thinking you can just use him as a replacement for fucking gamzee now that you’re no longer ‘down with the clown’
CTG: i swear i will hunt you down
CTG: and when i find you, i won’t kill you myself
CTG: i’ll give you to rose
CTG: are we clear?
CGC: CRYST4L >:]
CTG: good
CGC: GOSH 1M T34R1NG UP
CGC: YOUR F1RST ‘CONC3RN3D MO1R41L’ SP33CH!
CGC: SO P4L3!
turntechGodhead[TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator[GC]

Well. That didn’t go… the worst that it could have possibly gone. John idly fidgeted as he thought about the interaction with Dave and Terezi. I can’t believe that Terezi just told Dave what happened. At least he was… kinda chill about it. But he’s chill about everything. Who knows how anyone else would react? Especially since I don’t know if it can be cured, and the only person who would know is the Condesce… how am I supposed to tell everyone about this? What would they think? Even Dave seemed to be thinking I’m not myself anymore, since he compared it to being a werewolf or something… and I don’t even know if he’s right! I don’t know if I’m still myself, let alone able to reassure everyone else that I am… what am I supposed to do?

A resounding THUD thrummed through the foundations of the Black Queen’s castle, like a meteor impacting.

As a matter of fact, it was exactly like a meteor impacting, seeing as how the source of the sound was a meteor impact. One orchestrated by Dirk Strider, Prince of Heart, god (as of a few days ago), and a very, very protective and angered friend. The meteor was the first salvo to be launched in Dirk’s atypically hastily conceived plan to get Roxy and Jake out of the clutches of the Batterwitch. He had no idea of the percentage chance of success of this plan, since Lil Hal was presently occupied with being part of the sprite, ARquius, and Dirk didn’t dare consult the lactation-obsessed cybernetic ghost-but-not-really, for multiple reasons. Most but not all having to do with the sprite’s urging to partake in the trickster lollipop, although Dirk would never admit that to himself, much less any splinter thereof.

The effect of the hijacked veil meteor impacting the Dersite castle was minimal on the unnaturally sturdy construction of the edifice, the rock projectile crumbling against the walls and scattering debris, but that was to be expected. To Dirk’s mind, the use of an alchemically modified rocketboard to launch a small meteor at the building that was at once home of his most despised enemy and the prison of his closest and most dear friends was the equivalent of a courtesy knock. The fact that it even made it to the castle was more than he expected, given his knowledge of the powers of the Empress’s leashed dog, Jade Harley.

JADE: you know, if that had missed it would have hurt a whole lot of innocent chess guys!!! for a hero, you’re awfully reckless :/
DIRK: Think of the devil and find her teleporting in your face. Batterbitch didn’t feel like killing me herself?
JADE: oh she really really wants to! but she’s busy right now, so i was sent to fight you. no killing today, though. it’s a shame, i’m really really hungry!!! grrrr.

Dirk’s response was straightforward and succinct: attempting to decapitate the doggy witch.

JADE: wow! if i couldn’t teleport, that might have killed me!
DIRK: That was the idea.
JADE: man, and roxy had so much to say about you really being a good guy under all that bluster. tsk tsk!
DIRK: What did you do to Roxy.
JADE: why don’t you ask her yourself? i’m sure we can find a cell for you next to hers, if you just give up :D

The flurry of blows Dirk launched into next was actually sufficient to push Jade to retreat slightly towards the castle, avoiding the flash-stepping slices delivered one after the other.

JADE: jeez, okay, touchy subject. :P

gutsyGumshoe[GG] began bothering ectoBiologist [EB]

GG: June, you may have felt that shaking just previously.
GG: The castle is under attack. It is vitally important that you remain within your room, for your own safety.
GG: We are confident the attack will be repelled, but it may take some time. In the meantime, there is an active threat.
GG: It’s possible that if you leave your room, you could get caught up in the fighting and be injured or killed.
GG: Do you understand?
GG: June, do you understand what I am telling you? This is very important.
EB: i understand what you’re saying.
GG: Good. Then you will remain within your room?
GG: June, confirm that you will stay in your room until the threat has passed.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased trolling gutsyGumshoe [GG]

The hatch opened smoothly, and John stepped out into the corridor. Remain where I am? Like I’m going to let this opportunity pass me by. ‘I could get caught up in the fighting’. Yeah, right! If I do get ‘caught up in the fighting’, I’ll be able to prove I’m on the good side, and help everyone escape! Even if I’m not sure about how to tell everyone about this troll thing, that’s no reason to let this opportunity pass me by…

DIRK: Roxy, are you in here!? Roxy! Jake! Come on, I managed to lose the witch’s dog, but we need to hurry!

The winding halls returned Dirk’s voice back at him. The ‘distraction’ he came prepared with, despite the cartoon-grade idiocy of it grating at his common sense, did somehow succeed. While it only kept Jade incapacitated for a moment, that moment was all he needed to break contact and make it to the unlikely cover of the castle. And with the usually disturbing but today deliciously ironic scent of the Crockercorp brand ‘Military Grade Ground Pepper/Non-Lethal Riot Control Measure’ he filled it with lingering in her nostrils for potentially weeks, the sense of smell the dog-girl was so proud of wouldn’t be leading her to his location anytime soon. So as long as he avoided being seen on camera as more than the insubstantial blur of flash-stepping, he should have at least a few minutes before he was caught once more, so long as he was efficient in dealing with the scattered patrols of dersites.

JAKE: Wh… dirk? Is that you?

The voice was faint and echoey, but unmistakable. With a few of the quickest steps he ever took, Dirk was in front of the cell that it emerged from, hastily opening the door to reveal the form of Jake English, slumped against the wall.

DIRK: Jake… I…
JAKE: Dirk…
DIRK: I… we need to hurry, we can talk later. I don’t know how long we have, and we still need to find Roxy.
DIRK: Can you stand?

Not waiting for a response, Dirk sliced through the chains holding Jake to the wall, hoisting him upright. Jake wobbled slightly, but nodded, feeling able to move around on his own power despite the effects of his confinement.

DIRK: Do you know where Roxy is?

Jake shook his head.

JAKE: What about janey? Surely you have some plan to save her as well, right?
DIRK: I… I have a few ideas, but she can wait, she’s not in immediate danger. Right now, we need to find Roxy and get out of here without being caught. I think something might have happened to her.
DIRK: If we can, we should also find John. I think he’s trustworthy.
JAKE: John? He’s here?
DIRK: How do you know about… nevermind. Yes, apparently the batterwitch has been calling him ‘June’ though. I don’t really know the full story.
JAKE: June???

A shadowy figure stalked the darkened halls of the castle, a predator with power beyond comprehension seeking prey that does not know what danger it is in. Unfortunately, the menacing nature was somewhat lessened by the fact that the figure was snuffling and rubbing at her nose.

JADE: grrrrrr. stupid stupid stupid. i cannot believe he did that. i cant believe it worked. i…
JOHN: whoops.

Jade stared at the troll standing in front of her, who just turned a corner and practically ran into the angry witch. After a moment, recognition bloomed in her eyes, which did soften slightly.

JADE: june!? you are supposed to be inside your room! what if you ge… get… aa… aaaaa… ACHOO!
JOHN: um, jade, are you okay?
JADE: no!!! no i am not okay!!! that stupid prince of heart threw a tennis ball full of pepper at me!!! now i keep sneezing and all i can smell is pepper D:

John made a valiant effort not to laugh, and mostly succeeded, although Jade did raise an eyebrow.

JOHN: a tennis ball full of pepper? couldn’t you just… dodge or something?
JADE: Well, um… the thing about that is that…
JADE: i.
JADE: um.
JADE: caught it. the tennis ball
JOHN: okay, so..?
JADE: i caught it… in my mouth. and then i. bit down. on the tennis ball. and it kinda, um… exploded.
JOHN: you.

No amount of effort, no matter how great, could have restrained the mirth prompted by that declaration.

JOHN: *snort*. tehehe.
JADE: are you laughing at me!?!?
JOHN: i. no, it’s just… i…
JOHN: hahahahaha
JOHN: ahahahahahahahahahahahaha
JADE: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. :T
JOHN: i’m sorry it’s just…
JADE: *sigh*. i guess it is a little funny… but you should really get back to your room before anything…

Dirk and Jake progressed onward, the two of them holding Roxy’s unconscious body. It was hard to say if realizing the reason for Roxy’s state was due to extreme inebriation rather than mistreatment at the hands of her captor was relieving or not, but regardless, the trio forged onwards, trying to find an exit to the maze like castle not guarded by swarms of dersites. Fighting wasn’t an option, as with Roxy unconscious and Jake weaponless, it would be impossible to finish the groups of guards quickly enough to avoid giving away their location.

JADE: happens.

John stared at the trio who had just turned the corner. Although two of the three were unfamiliar, Jake was easily recognizable in that god-awful outfit, so given the circumstances, it was reasonable to presume that the other two were Roxy and Dirk.

Dirk stared at the pair: The dog-witch and a troll. An unfamiliar troll, talking with the Condesce’s pet. The conclusions were all too easy to draw: His suspicions were correct. At least some of the trolls those ‘heroes’ his session was doomed to await was on the side of their Empress. He had little time to luxuriate in the glory of being proved correct (and even less time to properly mourn the corruption of the supposed equivalent to his ‘bro’), as the reaction of the troll to spotting the group was already alerting Jade.

DIRK: Jake, take Roxy and run!
JAKE: Wait, but…
JADE: you!!!

John watched, mutely stunned, as Jade produced a ridiculous yet deadly-looking blade, lunging forward.
And Dirk produced a similarly deadly but much plainer blade,

And Jake stumbled backwards,
And blades met,
And foes growled in their respective voices, human and wolf,
And
Everything
Goes

RED

Chapter 12

JADE: june?


JADE: june!!
JADE: june, can you hear me!?!?

JOHN: w… what happened?
JADE: i… do you really not remember?
JOHN: the last thing i remember is you and dirk starting to fight, and then… nothing. what happened?
JADE: you…
JADE: kinda went crazy for a bit there.
JADE: your eyes got this glazed over expression and you attacked.
JOHN: oh my god, did i hurt you?!
JADE: no, no. but.
JOHN: but?
JADE: you did… you killed dirk.
JOHN: i
JOHN: what?

The world collapsed. Words replayed over and over, falling from John’s sisters lips. ‘You killed Dirk’, rendered all the more disturbing by the seeming lack of concern. I… killed him?. Words spilled and flooded in John’s brain, but the only thing that escaped was gasping breaths. I… what… what have I done? I..

JADE: oh! oh, no, don’t panic, he got better!

What? Jade’s words pulled attention away from the growing spiral of panic in the pit of John’s gut like a lifering thrown to a drowning man.

JADE: like, you know. god tier immortality and all. He got up a little bit after I zapped him into a cell.
JOHN: i.

John’s breath calmed, slowing down as the adrenaline priming his system started to rapidly drain away.

JADE: i don’t recommend going to check on him though, he’s really really angry.
JADE: you’d think he’d be happy not to be dead for real, but I guess there’s just no pleasing some people :P
JOHN: …
JADE: hey, are you okay, you look like you’re about to

John’s body collapsed into a heap on the floor.

JADE: pass out. :T

JANE: What do you mean I can’t retrieve Jake?
)(IC: you know water i mean gill
)(IC: no gofin after that bouy toy a yours
)(IC: i dont need him or that voidy chick anymore
JANE: You promised him to me.

Jane’s words were level and calm. No sane listener could possibly find anything but an a-emotional statement of fact in the mechanically monotone voice, yet the sense of accusation nevertheless lingered over the mandatory placid obedience.

)(IC: yep
)(IC: an youll have him
)(IC: eventunally
)(IC: but goin after him right now could be risky
)(IC: patience
JANE: The chance of me being captured or killed is less than one percent.
)(IC: sorry
)(IC: nofin doin
JANE: I… very well.
JANE: I would like to ask clarification regarding my status as heiress of crocker corp, though.
)(IC: clarifincation
)(IC: boat what?
)(IC: youre still gonna be head beach when i move on
JANE: But what about June?
)(IC: water bout her
)(IC: ohhh
)(IC: i get it
)(IC: you think shes gonna be your competition dont ya
)(IC: no need ta worry
)(IC: junes not gonna be heiress to crocker corp gill
)(IC: shes gonna be heiress ta the —-EMPIR—E
JANE: …What?
)(IC: yeah crocker corp pretty much owns tha planet
)(IC: but a planet ta my empire once its set up again counts as less than small fry
)(IC: its krill
)(IC: plankton —-EFIN
)(IC: one planet or another doesnt matter one tiny bit
)(IC: so dont worry gill
)(IC: youll keep your toy planet an pass it on to your brats if you end up keelin over
)(IC: shell, you can settle tha solar system if you really feel like
)(IC: i shore as shell dont mind
)(IC: aint like i got many frond memories of tha place
JANE: I… see.
JANE: I should go now then.

The queen of trolls nodded, half absentmindedly, as the red-robed girl departed.

)(IC: shore is a shame I can’t get june to behave like i did with that gill…
)(IC: ah whale, shell play along sooner or later and nofins gone wrong yet

ROXY: wuhhghh…
ROXY: anyone get the number of that truck
JAKE: No truck, dear roxy. Just what dirk deduced to be a humdinger of an alcohol binge.
ROXY: oh
ROXY: fuck i seriously relapsed?
ROXY: fuck i was doing so good
JAKE: Well, to be perfectly fair to yourself there were extenuating circumstances with your being in lock-up. That’s bound to erode anyone’s gumption to avoid the old spirit.
ROXY: wait, what… right. right… i… where r we?

A glass of water appeared in Roxy’s hand, much to Jake’s surprise, and she drank thirstily.

JAKE: We’re lying low in one of the asteroids. I believe Dirk set it up as a bolt hole to escape to after the rescue mission.
ROXY: rescue mission..
ROXY: right, right, i… yeah. right
ROXY: got it
ROXY: all caught up
ROXY: so wheres the dirkster
ROXY: gotta thank him for answerin my disrtess call an gettin us out of there.
JAKE: I.

Jake’s eyes watered, swimming with unshed tears.

JAKE: I, he...
JAKE: Okay, you have to remember it’s not your fault…
ROXY: jake
ROXY: what happened to dirk
ROXY: jake, what happened to dirk?!
JAKE: Th… i… I’m not sure.
JAKE: He told me to run… I didn’t see a ton about what happened, but that troll…
JAKE: I thought she seemed pretty swell.
JAKE: but she… she just started tearing into him…
ROXY: shit
ROXY: i… im sorry for yellin
ROXY: who started tearin into him?
ROXY: the doggy girl? jade?
JAKE: No, this… troll, i guess. I thought they were all meant to be dead, but apparently there’s more of those varmints than we thought. She said her name is june.

??????: oh wow… you okay doll?
??????: you showed up with a… really freaked out express1on…
??????: hey… do 1 know you… you don’t look really fam1l1ar
JOHN: um… i don’t think i know you?
??????: oh wow, you’re AL1VE
JOHN: yup, i guess so… man, i can’t quite remember why i fell asleep though. why are the dream bubbles like this.
??????: so you’re w1th the new group of trolls… you don’t look l1ke anyone’s dancestor though… not w1th those horns…
JOHN: i… it’s kinda a long story.
??????: hey no problem doll
??????: 1 got all the t1me in the world… what w1th being a ghost and all
??????: 1’m ruf1oh… by the way
JOHN: june.
RUFIOH: we1rd name… but pretty cool
RUFIOH: bangarang
JUHN: bangarang?
RUFIOH: bangarang… 1t’s k1nda my th1ng, you know?
JUHN: huh.
JUHN: cool.
JUHN: hey, do you know a ‘damara’?
RUFIOH: oh… sh*t… yeah 1 know her
RUFIOH: what’s she up to now…
JUHN: i don’t know, a couple days ago i was dreaming and ran into her, i guess. she said a bunch of stuff in some language i didn’t understand and would only say her name is damara, and then she left..
RUFIOH: yeah… that sounds l1ke her…
JUHN: should i be worried about that?
RUFIOH: 1t’ll… probably be f1ne… so long as you don’t do anyth1ng to t1ck her off 1 guess…
JUHN: why’s that? does she go… berzerk or… something…
JUHN: oh fuck.
RUFIOH: uh… doll?
JUHN: i remember now what happened before i passed out.
JUHN: fuck.

DIRK: Get out.
)(IC: that’s awfully impolite bouy
DIRK: Sorry. I meant get the fuck out, you reeking pile of fish guts.
)(IC: hmm
)(IC: not as creative as your ancestor are you
)(IC: he had some reel creative insults you know
)(IC: and sorta code names
)(IC: like ‘the stairs’
)(IC: he was good at that ship
)(IC: but you should really learn some proppa manners if you want ta have any chance of ever make it out of this cell in one piece
)(IC: you know your god tier wont keep you alive if i want you floatin belly up
)(IC: you striders are all wave too easy to lure inta heroic sacrifice
)(IC: probubbly your biggest flaw next to that fragile ego
DIRK: What the fuck do you want, troll?
)(IC: mmm…
)(IC: lets call it a consumer satisfaction surfray
)(IC: dont get ta the top without knowin what your audience wants after all
)(IC: so how was your fight ta the death with my new heiress in trainin
)(IC: over too quickly maybe
)(IC: not brutal enough
DIRK: I’m not going to give you the opportunity to gloat, you overgrown… wait, heiress?
)(IC: yup
)(IC: dear juney is gonna be one shell of an empress one day isnt she
DIRK: Jun… That’s John?! The human you kidnapped!? What the fuck did you do to him you sick

Dirk was just fast enough to catch the pivot and blur as the Condesce lashed out with a precise kick to the side of his body and make an abortive, instinctual attempt to flashstep away, an effort spoiled by the shackles binding him.

DIRK: Ghhhck.
)(IC: her
)(IC: name
)(IC: is
)(IC: june
)(IC: UND—--ERSTOOD

Unable to speak, Dirk nevertheless glared upward at the towering form of the troll empress. Her expression was unclear, her face shadowed by a halo of light pouring in from the corridor into the cell he had been placed into. After a few moments, she let out a disdainful sniff, turning to leave.

)(IC: good thin i dont need ya polite or anyfin
)(IC: so long as youre rottin in that cell out of the wave of those friends a yours im gettin everyfin i need from ya
)(IC: oh and if you start dyin of hunger or thirst
)(IC: i recommend not doin anyfin heroic or ship
)(IC: thatd be a shell of a low note for you ta go out on after all

To Dirk’s mind, her feral grin didn’t even resemble that of a shark, as tempting as the comparison might be. However mirthless its smile, a shark was at least a native of earth. This smile was wholly unique to the Empress, or, he reconsidered, at least unique to trollkind, as the grin that June… John… whomever, or whatever, that surely tortured soul might be, gave right before his untimely demise was eerily similar, in miniature, to that haunting display of teeth that was as much threat-display as sign of pleasure, and as much taunting mockery as threat-display.

Chapter 13

Notes:

NOTE: IF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SUBSCRIBED TO UPDATES, THERE HAS BEEN NO ACTUAL UPDATE. I HAVE JUST RE-COMPILED THE CHAPTERS INTO MORE EVEN LENGTHS BY COMBINING THE SHORTER CHAPTERS, AND MADE SOME MINOR CORRECTIONS/CLARIFICATIONS.

I can't guarantee that this is a sign that posting in earnest will resume shortly, but hopefully this jogs my brain.

John pulled himself free of the sopor slime, unsteady. Urgh, the slime is sticking my wings together. His train of thought paused a moment. WINGS??? Spinning in circles in a manner uncomfortably close to a dog chasing its own tail provided, indeed, glimpses in a goo-covered mass of unhealthily crumpled looking material attached to his back, colored a deep chocolatey brown. ... that color looks just like that Rufioh guy… I really hope meeting him in my dreams didn’t mutate me or something.

With an odd sensation and a wet noise, the sopor crusting the wing bundles gave way, and the wings began to slowly unfold. wow, that’s surprisingly relieving… i should clean these off, though, I don’t want to drip slime everywhere while they’re drying.

After showering, John discovered a message waiting for him on his computer.

)(er Imperious Condescention [)(IC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

)(IC: hey gill
)(IC: what do you think a your new wings
EB: wait, you know about them?
)(IC: a course gill
)(IC: tha bitch i got the dna for tha bronzeblood serum from had wings
)(IC: stands ta reason youd as well
EB: wait, what? you got the dna from rufioh?
)(IC: rufi-who
)(IC: nah
)(IC: theyre from the summoner
)(IC: ive got his wings all pinned up in ma trophy room so it wasnt too hard ta get a sample off of them
)(IC: plus he had shella strong animal control powers and all
)(IC: nofin but tha best for ma heiress after all
EB: oh.
EB: did you seriously inject me while i was passed out from killing dirk?
)(IC: shore
)(IC: why naut
)(IC: that demonstration proved just fin that you have control of that telekinesis a yours
)(IC: good an opportunity as any ta get a move on
EB: i.
)(IC: speakin of your little incident with that dirk buoy
)(IC: gill
)(IC: you need a moirail
)(IC: if youre only rustblood an hafin rage moments like that
)(IC: youre gonna do some really inadvisable ship once you start gettin proppa high up in tha spectrum
)(IC: normally i wouldnt wanna interfere with tha process of serendipity blah blah blah blah
)(IC: but clearly wave got an urgent situation on our hands so im assignin jade as your temporary moirail
)(IC: okray ive got ta go now
)(IC: well talk aboat your new psionics tomorrow

)(erImperiousCondescention [)(IC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

What. Did she just say I have to basically date Jade now? I mean, moirails is the best friends quadrant or something, but still…

ectoBiologist [EB] began trolling gardenGnostic[GG]

EB: hey uh. the condesce just said she’s ‘assigning’ you to be my moirail? uh… can we just not do that and say that we did? that sounds really awkward.
GG: june!!! i cannot believe you! having a moirail is really important, and i know that you know that i’m up to it. after all, we were basically moirails for the whole three year trip here, weren’t we? >:/ woof
EB: i. well, i mean. i guess. still feels awkward that she’s basically just shoving you at me.
GG: !!! you are SO DENSE!!!
EB: huh?
GG: look, i would have chosen to help you no matter what, you know that right?
EB: yeah, of course!
GG: so what does it matter if she’s telling me to help you if i would have helped you either way???!!! grrrrr.
EB: i… well i guess that makes sense.
EB: it still feels kinda weird though I guess.
GG: whatever! can i come over so we can talk in person?
EB: okay, yeah, i suppose.

The shock of a flash of green light heralding the appearance of Jade sent John toppling sideways from his chair, landing with a soft thud, thankfully not trapping a wing under his body, as he could tell that it wouldn’t take too much force to painfully damage the gossamer-thin membrane that made up the delicate appendages.

JOHN: agh!
JADE: wuh!!??
JADE: oh. whoops, didn’t mean to startle you :|
JOHN: agh!
JADE: wuh!!??
JADE: oh. whoops, didn’t mean to startle you :|
JOHN: i thought you meant we would talk in like, a little bit or something…
JADE: oh wow, your wings…
JOHN: yeah, the condesce transformed me in my sleep, apparently.
JADE: can I touch them? They look so cool!!

John was about to refuse, still unsettled by the even more alien nature of the new attachments to his transformed body, but relented when stared down by Jade’s most convincing puppy-dog eyes, still effective as ever despite the sinister transformation imposed by the Condesce’s control of her.

JOHN: I guess… They feel really delicate though, so be careful.

ROXY: we have gotta meet up with those heroes
ROXY: they probably have a better understanding of whats going on than we do at the very least
ROXY: and we could use their help to rescue dirk
JAKE: Roxy…
ROXY: we cant do this on our own
ROXY: we need help
ROXY: were not…
ROXY: were not dirk
JAKE: I… dirk seemed very convinced that they were not to be trusted, though.
ROXY: well whats the worst that could happen
ROXY: its not like we are going to be able to hide forever you know
JAKE: This asteroid base that dirk constructed seems fine and dandy enough to hide out in to me. Plenty of food and water.
ROXY: were supposed to be fightin back against that damned fkuckin WITCH!!!
ROXY: im not gonna just hide for the rest of my life
ROXY: i spent too long hidin ALREADY
ROXY: and theres no way im abandoning dirk
JAKE: We don’t even know for sure if
ROXY: i know hes still alive!
ROXY: i… i would know it if he was dead
ROXY: hes got to be alive
ROXY: hes GOTTA be

turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG]
TG: hey man
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT, STRIDER.
TG: chill
TG: i just want to give you the opportunity to overexplain your troll romance system to me because i’m feeling bored as shit and i’m having trouble sleeping
TG: so i figured ‘hey, i’ll ask karkat to rant about his moiramp shit, that’s like a express ticket to slumberland on a sleep stealth jet piloted by the sandman’
TG: so lay it on me
CG: OH WOW. INSULTING ME AND DELIBERATELY MESSING UP ‘MOIRAIL’ TO MOCK ME. GREAT WAY TO GET ME TO DO WHAT YOU WANT NOOKFACE. AND DON’T THINK FOR A FUCKING SECOND I BELIEVE THAT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY WANT MY HELP, YOU’D NEVER WILLINGLY ASK ME TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING, EVEN FOR YOUR PRECIOUS IRONY.
TG: okay, fine, whatever
TG: i guess i don’t actually need to know
CG: FUCK NO! YOU STAY RIGHT HERE, SHITBAG.
CG: THE ONLY REASON YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT MOIRALLEGENCE IS IF FOR SOME UNGOGLY REASON YOU WANTED TO ACTUALLY CONCILIATE SOMEONE.
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BE ON THE UNFORTUNATE RECIVING END OF YOUR CLUMSY ATTEMPTS AT PAPPING IF I DON’T INTERVENE, STRIDER? DON’T TELL ME IT’S TEREZI. FUCK, WAIT, ARE YOU INTERESTED IN ONE OF THE DANCESTORS? HOLY SHIT THAT WOULD BE SUCH A FUCKING DISASTER.
TG: woah, hey
TG: cool your tits
TG: you’re at serious risk of starting a breast-induced forest fire and then where would we be
TG: smoky the bear isn’t gonna put up with that shit
CG: YOUR OBSCENE METAPHORS AND OBTUSE REFERENCES TO HUMAN POP CULTURE WON’T DISTRACT ME STRIDER.
TG: okay, okay
TG: look, it’s really really complicated
TG: i seriously can’t tell you why i want to know
TG: not just because it would be embarrassing as admitting to having constructed a shrine to that fucking juggalo and baptized myself with the sticky sacrament of faygo
TG: but i seriously can’t explain it without having to explain a whole bunch of stuff that i’ve been asked not to tell anybody about yet.
TG: so seriously, 100% honest, no irony, i can’t tell you
TG: but please could you explain that stuff to me?
CG: *SIGH.*
CG: FINE, I SUPPOSE. IF ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF WHATEVER POOR UNFORTUNATE YOU’RE GOING TO BE DEALING WITH. LEAVING THEM TO YOUR TENDER UNEDUCATED MERCIES WOULD BE CRUEL IN THE EXTREME.
CG: ALRIGHT. LESSON ONE OF BEING A GOOD MOIRAIL IS NOT TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS.
CG: ALRIGHT. LESSON ONE OF BEING A GOOD MOIRAIL IS NOT TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS. YOU *HAVE* TO BE OPEN TO DISCUSSING YOUR OWN ISSUES AND LETTING THEM HELP YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU HELP THEM. NOW I KNOW THIS MIGHT BE HARD WITH YOUR UNFLAPPABLE COOLGUY PERSONA, BUT IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT.
CG: IF YOU HAVE A FEELINGS JAM WHERE THE ONLY THING THAT GETS DISCUSSED IS THEIR ISSUES, THEY’RE GOING TO FEEL WEAK.
CG: WHICH WILL MAKE THEM LESS LIKELY TO SHARE ABOUT THEIR OWN ISSUES, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? APPEARING WEAK ON ALTERNIA IS A GOOD WAY TO END UP DEAD. THEY NEED TO FEEL LIKE THEY’RE ON AN EQUAL LEVEL WITH YOU, AND KNOW THAT NOT ONLY WILL YOU NOT BETRAY THEM, BUT YOU *CAN’T* BETRAY THEM, BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOUR WEAKNESSES JUST AS WELL AS YOU KNOW THEIRS.
CG: SO EVEN THOUGH IT’S REALLY REALLY TEMPTING TO GO ‘OH WOW, MY MOIRAIL IS DEALING WITH SO MUCH STUFF, I SHOULDN’T BURDEN THEM BY TELLING THEM ABOUT MY ISSUES AND STRUGGLES’,
CG: YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT DO THAT. THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO IN THAT SITUATION, AND IT IS A *CLASSIC* ROMANTIC BLUNDER.
CG: EVEN IN ESTABLISHED MOIRAILLEGENCES!
CG: THE IMPACT OF THAT SORT OF THING IS WORSE EARLY ON, OF COURSE, BUT IT GETS MORE AND MORE TEMPTING THE LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP GOES ON.
CG: BUT IT’S ABSOLUTELY NEVER A GOOD IDEA. BEST CASE SCENARIO, THEY FEEL INCAPABLE.
CG: WORST CASE, YOUR FEELINGS BUILD UP AND MAKE YOU LESS AND LESS CAPABLE OF EMPATHIZING WITH THEIR ISSUES UNTIL YOU EXPLODE AND SNAP AT THEM, WHICH CAN LEAD TO A FULL ON SWITCH TO SOME REALLY UNHEALTHY KISMETIC DYNAMICS, WHERE YOU FEEL BITTER ABOUT THEM ‘COMPLAINING’ SO MUCH, AND THEY FEEL SCARED AND ANGRY ABOUT YOU LASHING OUT AT THEM OUT OF THE BLUE.
CG: GOT ALL THAT?
CG: THIS WILL BE ON THE TEST.
TG: test?
CG: YES STRIDER. THERE WILL BE A TEST. ADMINISTERED BY ME.
CG: ALRIGHT, NOW FOR LESSON TWO OF ‘BEING A BASICALLY COMPETENT MOIRAIL FOR DUMBASS ALIENS’: FEELINGS JAMS AND PILES.
CG: NOW, THE SOCIOLOGICAL ORIGIN OF PILES IS A HOTLY DEBATED TOPIC AMONG ROMANTIC SCHOLARS, BUT ALL THE THEORIES BASICALLY PLACE THEIR INITIAL PURPOSE AS…

Dave closed his eyes, blocking out the gray text pouring down his iShades like a waterfall of romantic advice. I have made a huge mistake…

JOHN: i just… how do i tell everyone i’ve been turned into a troll?
JADE: june…
JOHN: i know i have to tell everyone, but what do i tell them? ‘hey, i promise that i’m still me and i’m still your friend and all, it doesn’t matter at all that i have the body of a troll, i promise, i’ve only accidentally killed someone once so far!’
JADE: i…
JOHN: i don’t want to be a troll! i… i’m not a troll, i can’t be.
JADE: june.
JOHN: how am i supposed to be okay with this? everything’s so different, i just…
JADE: JUNE!
JOHN: huh? what?
JADE: june, you were spiraling. again.
JOHN: oh. sorry, i just… every time i think about that all i just start to…
JADE: i know. june, i think i know what the root of your problem is. youre scared that being a troll means youre not you anymore. especially with all the other… changes.
JOHN: i… guess?
JADE: you know i kinda had the same worries?
JOHN: huh?
JADE: about still being me. after i merged with my sprite… so much changed, you know?
JOHN: i thought you really liked the ears and tail?
JADE: well, yeah. of course, theyre super neat. :D
JADE: but i mean. i also have a little bit of bec in my head, you know? thats kinda a lot to deal with. :/
JADE: especially on the ship, with all those times i barked on accident or went chasing after jaspersprite or whatever…
JADE: i was really wondering if i was still, well. me.
JUHN:... oh.
JADE: and thats not even mentioning the sprite knowledge and stuff.
JUHN: you… ‘were’ really wondering? you’re not still worried about that stuff, are you?
JADE: well. heres how i kinda thought about it: how much of a difference is there between you as a 8 year old, and you as a 13 year old?
JUHN: well… a lot?
JADE: yeah, a whole bunch! what you like, how you talk, how you act… everyone changes, june.
JADE: so even if the way i act is kinda different to how i acted before i got merged with my sprite, well… that doesnt mean im not me! it just means that im a kinda different me. just like how 8 year old me is still me.
JUHN: i… guess that makes sense. why didn’t you bring this up with me so much on the battleship?
JADE: well… at first i was kinda scared.
JUHN: scared? what about?
JADE: that if i pointed the differences out to you like that, you would think the same thing, that i was a different person now.
JUHN: jade, i would never think…
JADE: dont you dare say that its ridiculous! youre worried about pretty much the exact same thing, arent you??? >:/
JUHN: oh. yeah, i guess so…
JUHN: so, you really think that im still me, and being a troll makes no difference?
JADE: of course!!! :D
JADE: well, sorta.
JUHN: sorta? that doesn’t really sound good, you know.
JADE: i mean, it doesnt make you not you. but you cant just act like it makes NO difference, thats just asking for trouble. :/
JUHN: what do you mean?
JADE: i mean… like… you cant just act the same as you would before. you are a troll now, and if you just keep doin human things, i dont think it’s goin to go… well
JUHN: huh?
JADE: huh? oh, uh, like. There’s some reason you went berserk on dirk, and its not just simply because of being a troll, since we know a lot of really nice trolls who dont go crazy like that. it probably has to do with you trying to ignore being a troll and not letting your mind and body do the troll things it needs.
JUHN: what, like how you bark sometimes?
JADE:yeah! yeah, exactly like that. im pretty sure that if i tried to bottle up all my dog-ness, at some point i would kinda explode from the built up pressure, and im guessing its kinda the same thing with you.
JADE: if you dont admit to your… self you are a troll, that pressure is gonna build and build until it erupts
JUHN: … what should i do then to let out my ‘troll-ness’? try to hateflirt with someone?
JADE: :P no!!! well, probably not. i wouldnt really know, since im not a troll and all. but it definitely seems to me that the most important thing is to be a little more accepting of yourself, right? and thats just a good idea in general! :D
JUHN: okay, okay. i guess that does make sense… and i guess i can try that a little. thanks jade.
JADE: no problem, little sis!
JUHN: little sis?
JADE: yep! you are a few months younger than me, after all. :P
JUHN: huh. i guess so.

June smiled slightly.

Her Imperious Condescension grinned wide.

Chapter 14

Notes:

NOTE: IF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SUBSCRIBED TO UPDATES, THERE HAS BEEN NO ACTUAL UPDATE. I HAVE JUST RE-COMPILED THE CHAPTERS INTO MORE EVEN LENGTHS BY COMBINING THE SHORTER CHAPTERS, AND MADE SOME MINOR CORRECTIONS/CLARIFICATIONS.

I can't guarantee that this is a sign that posting in earnest will resume shortly, but hopefully this jogs my brain.

KANAYA: Rose Are You Well
ROSE: Not especially, dear Kanaya.
ROSE: To tell the truth, I am rather craving a drink right now.
KANAYA: I Have Been Very Clearly Informed By Dave And Yourself That You Should Not Be Allowed To Consume Further Soporifics
KANAYA: They Are Very Detrimental To Your Mental State
ROSE: Yes, yes. I am very aware of the multitudinous reasons why I would be best suited not to consume any more alcohol. However, in my present state of frustration, the temptation is damnable. Furthermore, I cannot believe that it could possibly do much more harm to my sight, as my attempts to determine the most favorable course of action continue to be truly incomprehensible. It is truly irritating to be left in the dark without even the unsteady comfort of not caring about my personal failures.
KANAYA: Ah
ROSE: This lack of useful knowledge to confront our foe is uncomfortably similar to my interactions with one ‘Doctor’ Scratch. Although on further reflection I am curious where he may have obtained his doctorate, and what in. I do not believe any accredited institutions offer a degree in demon heralding.
KANAYA: I Can See Why This Issue Would Cause You Such Stress
ROSE: What’s worse is that the epicenter of the fog around my knowledge-gathering capabilities has shifted enough that I can get some idea of what ought to be done. But the paths presented to me are incomprehensible, and feel as though they must be inaccurate.
KANAYA: How So
ROSE: Any interference on my part with Egbert seems to invariably end in disaster of some sort, for unclear reasons. It bears hallmarks of what could be a doomed timeline, but different somehow. And even with the influence of time at play, it is… impossibly frustrating to be presented with my dear friends capture and have no idea of what can be done for it.
KANAYA: I See
KANAYA: I Am Sorry To Hear That Dear
KANAYA: Is There Any Information You Are Privy To That Could Serve As Some Cause For Relief Though
ROSE: I have a sense that we will be provided with more information very soon, by Egbert themself. Based on my own non-mystical knowledge of the situation, I can make a good deduction of what might be brought up in that announcement, and while it is indeed good, I don’t believe it to be overly significant beyond the personal scale.
KANAYA: Would You Share Your Suspicion Of What Might Be At Play In This Announcement
ROSE: I’m afraid not. If I am correct in my supposition, it is the sort of thing that sharing about without permission would be awfully rude in human culture.
ROSE: Suffice it to say that I am quite confident it is a major milestone of self-discovery.

ARANEA: Tell me. Why have you 8een completely inc8pable of loc8ing one foolish human?
GAMZEE: ...
ARANEA: Right, you are una8le to respond. Just as well, you couldn’t possi8ly have anything to say to m8ke up for your staggering incompetence.
GAMZEE: ...
ARANEA: I’ve called you here to inform you that the incredi8ly tiny effort of controlling you isn’t worth the utility of having a pawn in the world of the living, given as it seems that eg8ert, and 8y extension the ring, are no-where to 8e found.
GAMZEE: HONK honk HONK honk HONK

With a tiny push, Aranea woke the incensed clown before he could do anything more irritating.

ARANEA: You would think that he’d 8e gr8ful for his release enough to not launch into a flailing frenzy immediately.

CURRENT ectoBiologist[CEB] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CEB: okay is everyone here? i have an announcement thing to make.
CURRENT turntechGodhead[CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: hey
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator[CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: PR3S3NT
CGC: OF COURS3
CGC: 4 GOOD L3G1SL4C3R4TOR WOULD N3V3R B3 4BS3NT FOR 4 S3R1OUS CONF3SS1ON 4FT3R 4LL
CURRENT tentacleTherapist[CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTT: I am here as well. I eagerly await whatever announcement you are going to be making with baited breath, and I hope you know I will support you no matter what.
CTT: Incidentally, Kanaya happens to be reading over my shoulder. I’m quite sure that she will participate as necessary if she feels the need to speak up at some point.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist[CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE THIS IS ACTUALLY IMPORTANT, EGBERT. SOME OF US HAVE STUFF TO DO APART FROM RELAXING IN THE PALACE OF THE EMPRESS WITH NUBILE COURTESANS HAND FEEDING US BUNCHED SMALL PURPLE FRUIT GLOBES. AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TYPING IN TAVROS’S COLOR NOW?
CTG: dude, chill
CTG: this is real important and john doesn’t need to deal with your hissy fit right now.
CCG: FUCK, FINE.
CEB: okay… i guess that’s everyone. give me a second to figure out how to say this, okay?
CURRENT terminallyCapricious[CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: HONK honk HONK honk
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK??? WHAT THE ACTUAL GOGLOVING FUCKING SHIT? NO! NO NO NO!!!
CCG banned CTG from responding to memo.
CCG: JEGUS.
CEB: um… maybe i should reschedule this announcement or something…
CGC: OH NO YOU DONT
CGC: DONT YOU D4R3 TRY TO PUT TH1S OFF JUST B3C4US3 OF 4 M1NOR CLOWN 1NTRUS1ON
CGC: W3 BOTH KNOW TH1S N33DS TO H4PP3N
CCG: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE? EGBERT, I SWEAR TO GOG, IF THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS ABOUT YOU STARTING TO DATE TEREZI OR SOMETHING…
CEB: no! no, i am not dating terezi! and no, the announcement isn’t about that! like, at all! terezi, tell karkat we’re not dating.
CGC: K4RKL3S 1M 4SH4M3D! D:<
CGC: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 1 WOULD STOOP TO D4T1NG 4 SUSP3CT?
CCG: YES. YOU ABSOLUTELY WOULD. YOU HAVE IN THE PAST.
CGC: YOU M4K3 4 SURPR1S1NGLY SH4RP PO1NT FOR SOM3ON3 W1TH SUCH NUBBY HORNS
CEB: ok, now that that’s settled that i’m definitely not dating terezi, or anyone else for that matter, everyone just stop talking for a bit so i can say what i wanted to say.
CCG: FINE.
CGC: GOOD
CTT: Don’t worry, we’re all here for you.
CEB: okay.
CEB: i.
CEB: the condesce turned me into a troll.
CTT: I’m so pr… pardon me?
CURRENT ectoBiologist[CEB] attached a file to the memo “photoofself.png”
CCG: THAT… FUCK. THAT DOES ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE YOU WHEN I LOOK CLOSELY AT IT. AND THIS WOULD BE A REALLY FUCKED UP ‘PRANK’.
CTT: Excuse me, I… was not expecting that. I… pardon me, something has come up, I have to go.
CURRENT tentacleTherapist[CTT] ceased responding to memo.
CEB: wait rose i...
CEB: oh.
CEB: um, well… are there any questions from anyone else?
CGC: Y3S WHY DO YOU T4ST3 L1K3 FUDG3 NOW >:?
CGC: 1TS V3RY 1RR1T41NG MY TONGU3 C4N H4RDLY G3T US3D TO ON3 FL4VOR B3FOR3 1T CH4NG3S ON M3 4GAIN
CGC: W41T D1D YOU G3T YOUR BLOOD CH4NG3D 4G41N SO F4ST?
CGC: R34LLY W4NT TO L34V3 B31NG 4 LOWBLOOD B3H1ND DON’T YOU
CEB: ugh...

A sad clown is a pointless clown.

It’s tragic, but true. After all, what whimsy can be spread by a merry-maker with no merry? No colorful balloons can be inflated by a heart weighed down by its own emptiness.

These were the thoughts that plagued Gamzee as he gazed across the Land of Crypts and Helium, waiting for his miracle modus to stash away his husktop. What is happening is clearly not the intent of his Lord. And while such occurrences are common, usually the timeline is quickly cleansed by the Angel of Double Death’s infinite wrath.

This timeline however, seems stubbornly resistant to spiraling into its necessary doomed failure. Could it be that it is somehow stronger than the Lord of Time’s legendary stubbornness? This thought was discarded quickly. After all, nothing could possibly be stronger than the Mirthful Messiah.

Perhaps this timeline amuses the Lord somehow? This merited more consideration, but again was discarded. It would require a legendary joke to cease the killing-frenzy that clipped those branches of time unfit to take root, and this situation simply didn’t seem that funny. It had its notes of humor, of course, but nothing so wondrous as to earn it protection.

A quandary was left behind: Nothing can cease his Lord’s will, yet this timeline that should by all rights be trimmed as no more important than the countless other doomed timelines created by the opposition to His great plan.

Fortunately for Gamzee, frustration and confusion are quick to turn from causing melancholy to inciting rage, when in the mind of one with the right temperament.

And an angry clown is a very useful clown indeed.

gutsyGumshoe[GG] began pestering terminallyCapricious[TC]

GG: Hello Mr. Makara. I am given to understand that this would be the best way to contact you.
TC: HONK
GG: Ah. Yes.
GG: I am not sure if you recall it, given your general… status, but we have met before.
GG: A mutually profitable business interaction involving your ‘potions’.
TC: my potions are the motherfucking bitchtits aren’t they.
GG: The customer I resold them to definitely believed so.
GG: At any rate, I haven’t contacted you purely to reminisce on my ludicrously effective bargaining skills. I believe we could once again have a very productive partnership.
TC: WHOA SIS, YOU PROPOSITIONING ME FLUSHWISE?
GG: No.
GG: I am not speaking euphemistically. I would like to employ you for a task I cannot complete on my own. It is my opinion that CrockerCorp must expand in a few nontraditional directions if it wishes to maintain its market dominance.
TC: too many big words. BUT I THINK I GET THE GIST OF THE MIRACLES YOU’RE LAYING DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER.
GG: Wonderful. How would you like a position as… hmm. Head of children’s entertainment and assassinations?
TC: sis, that sounds downright miraculous. I AINT PAINTED THE WALLS WITH NO HERETIC HUES FOR WAY TOO LONG. i want something in return, though.
GG: Oh? I promise you, you will be richly compensated.
TC: A FOLLOWER OF THE MOTHERFUCKING MESSIAHS NEEDS NO BOONBUCKS OR GRIST.
GG: What would you like, then?
TC: i want your pretty psychically resistant human self. TO TEACH A MESSAGE TO THAT BITCH ARANEA SERKET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO UPPITY CERULEANS THAT THINK ITS THEIR BLOOD RIGHT TO POKE AROUND IN A MOTHERFUCKERS THINK PAN. you hear me?
GG: Indeed. I am sure that ought to be within my power. It is as always a pleasure doing business with you.
TC: MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLES, SIS.
TC: motherfucking miracles.
GG: Don’t attempt to contact me, I’ll contact you.

gutsyGumshoe[GG] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious[TC]

Chapter 15

Notes:

NOTE: IF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SUBSCRIBED TO UPDATES, THERE HAS BEEN NO ACTUAL UPDATE. I HAVE JUST RE-COMPILED THE CHAPTERS INTO MORE EVEN LENGTHS BY COMBINING THE SHORTER CHAPTERS, AND MADE SOME MINOR CORRECTIONS/CLARIFICATIONS.

I can't guarantee that this is a sign that posting in earnest will resume shortly, but hopefully this jogs my brain.

Rose was, to put it mildly, troubled. A significant portion of that was due to the recent revelation concerning Egbert’s… status. However, a much larger portion was on a more immediate matter.

ROSE: Kanaya dear?
KANAYA: Yes Rose
ROSE: Please tell me I didn’t just panic at Egbert’s unexpected revelation and leave the discussion immediately.
KANAYA: I Would Like Nothing More Than To Tell You That But Unfortunately What You Describe Is In Fact The Case
KANAYA: And Under The Present Circumstances I Do Not Feel As Though Lying To You Would Be Convincing Or In Your Best Interest
KANAYA: Put More Concisely
KANAYA: You Did Do Exactly That

Rose buried her face in her hands, groaning in agony.

ROSE: I see.
ROSE: In that case, I am the worst friend.
KANAYA: I Would Not Say So
KANAYA: In My Personal Experience You Would Have To Kill Several Friends To Even Come Close To Qualifying
ROSE: I… suppose that is true. I’m still not a very good friend though. Panicking and leaving due to a personal revelation is about as far from being supportive as it is possible to get. I can only imagine what everyone must think of me now…
KANAYA: The Situation Is Indeed Far From Ideal
KANAYA: Fortunately You Have The Option Of Apologizing And Explaining Yourself
KANAYA: I Am Sure John Will Forgive You
KANAYA: He Is The Understanding Sort
KANAYA: It’s Entirely Possible He Has Forgiven You Already
ROSE: Yes… I wonder what the proper form for apologizing in this circumstance is.
ROSE: My previous knowledge of etiquette has not prepared me for this circumstance, and even if earth were still intact, I don’t believe any companies manufactured ‘sorry for panicking about your metamorphosis into an alien being, I assure you it was not due to the transformation specifically but more due to the challenge to my expectations’ apology cards.
KANAYA: I Can Imagine Why Such Cards Would Not Be Manufactured
KANAYA: They Sound Extremely Wordy

Pulling her trusty hubtop close, Rose began to compose her apology.

)(er Imperious Condescention [)(IC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

)(IC: so gill
)(IC: hows it goin with you and yo new moiraeel
EB: it’s… nice. i guess.
)(IC: )(-E)(
)(IC: knew itd do ya well
)(IC: but i didnt contact you just ta gloat about my matchmakin prowess
)(IC: get your bass ta the room we worked on yo telekinesis in
)(IC: we gotta teach you how that spiffy new mind control of yours works so we can get a move on.
)(IC: brown is soooo not your color.

John rose from his desk, quickly getting ready to leave. As the door shut, a ping sounded, unheard by the rapidly retreating troll.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering turntechGodhead[TG]
TG: hey
TG: ur dirks ‘bro’ rite?
TG: dave strider
TG: i dunno how much you know about whats goin on but
TG: i need ur help… we need ur help
TG: especially dirk needs ur help
TG: course hed never say so
TG: both with the hole stoic fightin master thin
TG: *whole
TG: but also because he literally cannot right now
TG: cannot message you to say so
TG: since he’s all locked up by the fishbitch
TG: not literally cannot like ‘omg i literally cannot right now lmafo’
TG: what?
TG: oh good ur alive
TG: okay so her condescention has some new troll hanging around who beat the shit out of dirk and captured him and we need to bust him out
TG: u in?
TG: who even are you? i get that you know who i am because i’m amazing and obviously everyone knows who i am
TG: wait shit dirky never mentioned me
TG: i am insulted
TG: he did not mention you in our one conversation, no
TG: i’m sorry to say it but it seems like you werent on his list of priorities when greeting the davester
TG: the accusing me of being a traitor to the human race and threatening my life came first
TG: tragic im sure
TG: … wait run that by me one more time
TG: he what and threatened WHAT
TG: that BASTARD
TG: this might take a while to explain

)(IC: okray
)(IC: i’m not totally shore how much of that schoolfeedin youve been actually readin
)(IC: poor old glubby knows I sharked the shell off of studyin all that ship
)(IC: so im gonna go ahead an give you a quick briefin on what it is well be workin with tonight
)(IC: mind control
)(IC: now dont tell anyone this cause itd give them ideas but brownbloods actually won the alternian lottery with that power
)(IC: shore technically its animal empathy or somefin
)(IC: but reely its mind control through and through
)(IC: so gill
)(IC: you ready to subjugate a beach to your will

With a startlingly familiar flash, one that John had witnessed hundreds if not thousands of times before, on the journey across the Yellow Yard, a figure appeared, seen first as a void in the crackling energy before materializing fully.

John: a… cat? you want me to mind control a cat.
)(IC: this is so much more than just a cat gill
)(IC: say hello ta godcat
John: god… cat?
)(IC: i will admit, tha people on this earth were much less creative than yours or alternia when it came to namin their first guardian
John: first guardian… i think Jade mentioned something about that. something about her dog?
)(IC: long story short
)(IC: (like really really long these guardian bastards have the most complex perchsonal histories)
)(IC: this meowbeast has green sun powers
)(IC: yes just like your jades barkbeast
John: so you want me to try to mind control it?
)(IC: go ahead and give it a shot

The knowledge of how to direct the telekinesis he possessed was a mixed blessing when John attempted to reach out to the pure-white feline. The first couple attempts resulted in either outright failure, or a strange slippery sensation as telekinetic force slid off of the cat.

)(IC: not tryin ta lift it gill

With a low growl of frustration as the sole response to the Empress’s chiding comment, John found his sense of his psionics slipping once more. Annoyed, he made no attempt to recapture the focus, ready to give up for the day and simply return to his room.

However, as his focus slipped, right as the telekinetic force waned, the bronzeblood felt a new awareness quicken in him. With a desperate mental grab, he seized the force, gripping it tightly. Suddenly, the cat licking its paw disinterestedly seemed to shine with a new light. Pushing at the cat, there was a brief sensation of resistance until suddenly…

Green

So much green

Burning in it without pain

Drowning in it without needing to breathe

The only sight is green and the only smell is green and the only taste is green

Feel green and hear green

Know what it is to know the sun

)(IC: ship
)(IC: shit
)(IC: up you come

)(IC: you okray gill
)(IC: not gonna lie you gave me quite a fright
John: so much Green
)(IC: yeah you need a bit of a break i think
)(IC: fuck
)(IC: really wasn’t expectin that gill
)(IC: i saw that it clicked for you
)(IC: but then you just started kinda foamin at the mouth
John: everything is Green
)(IC: okray
)(IC: whale
)(IC: seems like you need a bit of a nice nap in some good calmin sopor
)(IC: an i won’t be gettin ya ta mess with any first guardian minds for a while
)(IC: at least until youve got a lot more practice an mental fortitude

John barely had the strength to nod before collapsing, head falling onto the lap of Her Condescension, unable to hear her muttered words.

)(IC: dam
)(IC: maybe this was really a bit too far

TG: so let me get this straight
TG: youve got fefetas livin friends around with you
TG: and dirk saw that and flipped the fuck out and accused you of bein a traitor to the human race since you dont live up to his expectations of his bro from what he knows of our old earth
TG: is that about right
TG: i have no idea how you got most of that from the messages i shared with you but yeah, sure, that sounds about right
TG: i know dirk
TG: hes a lot less complex than he likse to act when you get down to it.
TG: okay… also, who is ‘fefeta’
TG: oh poor sweet darling fefeta
TG: shes my sprite
TG: oh god
TG: i just realized i havent seen her since that whole candy drug trip thin
TG: I hope she doesn’t miss me too much 3:
TG: okay… why are my troll buds her friends if she’s your sprite then
TG: oh right
TG: she was prototyped from the corpses of two dead trolls
TG: feferi and nepeta i think
TG: oh
TG: wow thats uh
TG: kinda fucked up
TG: who was your sprite
TG: a bird i accidentally stabbed and a future version of me from a dead timeline
TG: and now that i type that out i’m realizing that that kinda sounds fucked up too
TG: just a little yeah
TG: anyway
TG: back on topic
TG: this is the perfect opportunity to prove that you and by extension your freinds can be trusted
TG: about that
TG: you mentioned that the condesce has a ‘new troll’
TG: can you uh
TG: clarify that
TG: for no particular reason

gutsyGumshoe[GG] began bothering )(er Imperious Condescention [)(IC]

GG: I want a clown.
)(IC: pardon
GG: The ‘heroes’ from the beta timeline brought a novice subjugglator with them. I want him.
)(IC: why
GG: It’s improper for a heiress to do her own assassinations.
)(IC: you fishundersand
)(IC: why should i let you have him
GG: Because you owe me. You promised me Jake but he got taken. Your attack dog failed to protect him.
)(IC: … you got globes gill
)(IC: okray
)(IC: but i want the clown after i get your boyfrond back
GG: Deal.
Jane fell backwards onto her bed. The mental effort involved in ‘bending’ the truth to her superior was significant. But the effort of standing up to her was ten times greater. Only the knowledge that what she was doing was for the ultimate good of the Betty Crocker Corporation gave her the fortitude required to push onward.

Warily, she reached beneath her pillow, retrieving her Crocker-free messaging device. Simply holding the device, painstakingly alchemized to be free of even the most trivial spyware, was sacrilege of the highest order. But rules were made to be broken, whether they were FDA regulations, nuclear test ban treaties, or even the Crockercorp employee handbook.

gutsyGumshoe[GG] began pestering terminallyCapricious[TC]

GG: Mr. Makara. I am pleased to report that you can now travel to the palace on Derse. A room is being set aside for your needs and whims as I type.
TC: WHAT IF I DON’T WANT TO GO TO SOME MOTHERFUCKING PALACE. you still haven’t done anything about that bitch serket.
GG: Ah, yes. The delicate process of herding clowns. Well, I feel as though now would be a prudent time to note something. Are you aware that carapacians bleed red? And on an unrelated note, there are so many of them running around that no-one could possibly notice if one or two dozen went mysteriously missing.

gutsyGumshoe[GG] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious[TC]