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Matthias is vaguely aware of being dumped into frigid water. He's propped haphazardly on floating debris, too injured and weak to move.
He’d fought hard in the cage, desperate to push his way back to Nina. He’s not sure if he was motivated by love or hate, just that he had to be closer to her. But the weight of so many guards with weapons had pushed him to the floor. They hadn’t stopped hitting him when he fell, beating him senseless even while dragging him away. He knows they threw him in a cell and left him there. He tried to treat some of his wounds, but untold days without food and only the water that leaked through a crack in the walls had left him exhausted and immobile.
As he’d laid in the cold and the dark, his mind replayed every moment he’d spent with Nina. He tried to reconcile the stubborn, smart, tender, darkly funny woman of the mountains with the heartless spy who’d betrayed him to this prison. He failed. As his consciousness slipped away, so did his blind anger. He didn’t forgive Nina, so much as release himself from the need to hate her. There was no point anymore.
When the guards finally returned, dragging him out to the water, he didn’t resist or even tell them he wasn’t dead.
He’s not sure he isn’t. He’s drifting, completely unaware of the cold, the dark, his wounds. Any thoughts he has are memories of bright eyes and brilliant wit, soft skin and breathless sighs.
Then, there’s pain again as he feels his heart suddenly speeding to push blood through his damaged, frozen body.
“Is he?” a male voice asks.
“Just barely.”
Nina’s voice. The feeling of Nina’s magic washing over him. It hurts, a thousand knives stabbing into abused nerves, and yet, it’s her. He doesn’t have the energy to feel anything but relief at being in her arms.
Matthas feels himself let out a small, weak moan.
“That’s it. No dying on me now.”
Matthias tries to speak, but his exhaustion overwhelms him, and he slips into memory once more.
Matthias laughed with wild abandon, and the sound echoed in the small whaler's hut. The whole situation was absurd. Shipwrecked, nearly drowned, and curled around a naked woman. And then, mocked for his propriety. Her wit was biting, but her smile was infectious. So Matthias laughed, letting out the tension with loud guffaws.
Eventually, he settled and was left looking at her.
“Do you have any idea where we are?” she asked, just a bit of fear showing in her eyes.
“Some." He knew that the ship had been traveling along the coast somewhere close to the border, but Matthias was no sailor. Until recently, he had been stationed on the wall, keeping watch over the Great Darkness, but not seeing actual combat.
He stood and shuffled into his pants, warm and dry from the fire. The woman also gathered her clothes, and did a very poor job of keeping her body covered. Matthias rummaged through the stores to avoid looking at her.
Mostly. The glimpses of bare skin were very tempting, and the memory of waking up with every inch of his body pressed against hers made his skin tingle. He closed his eyes and drew deep breaths, forcing his body to calm.
“Is that a map?”
The woman’s voice at his side startled Matthias. He looked down at the lid of the chest, reaching out a finger to trace the symbols. It was a crude sketch used by hunters to outline the positions of their shelters. The symbols were very similar to the ones used by Fjerdan hunters, but different enough that Matthias knew them to be Ravkan. He had a fleeting thought that perhaps, long ago, they’d been the same.
“A hunter’s map. These shelters should be roughly a day’s journey apart, and Djel willing, they will be kept stocked.”
Djel seemed to be watching out for them, or perhaps just the forethought of the hunters who knew they could be trapped at any time by a sudden storm. Matthias and the woman practically feasted on the rations of caribou meat jerky mixed with fat and dried berries. All the while, Matthias studied the map, memorizing the path that would take them over the frozen mountains, through valleys that would be full of game in the summer, and to the nearest town. He thought it was probably Arkesk, just on the Ravkan side of the border, but frequented by traders from the wider world.
Matthias felt breath on the back of his neck and startled. The woman was looking over his shoulder, studying the map herself. Of course, she was smart enough not to trust him.
“We should head out if we mean to make it to the next shelter before dark,” she said.
They bundled themselves in their tattered clothes and stolen furs, heading out to cross the first stretch of mountains. Matthias walked quickly, staying ahead of her to avoid talking.
“Slow down,” she called. She told Matthias he was lost, which he wasn’t. Perhaps they had deviated from the most direct route, but he knew there would be a valley over this rise. He sat down on a rock, only to abruptly stand when she told him to relax.
She ran in front of him, chastising him. But she was wrong. He knew too well that she was human, and he was already seriously doubting everything he’d been told about the enemy. It was why he had questioned her in the hold.
“I do like you,” he admitted as she walked away. It was true, regardless of what he’d been taught to expect of a woman he liked her for her strength and humor and lewdness. Maybe even because she was so different from the reserved women of his homeland. Some small voice of his commanders told him that she was manipulating him, but he was finding that harder and harder to believe.
She teased him, and Matthias couldn’t help but smile. He liked the way she pushed at him, fingers seeking his sensitive sides even through layers of fur. He wanted to touch her, hold her, even kiss her, but pushed her away instead.
Then she fell, and Matthias lunged for her. As he stared into her panicked eyes, he knew he’d never let her get hurt. He wouldn’t be taking her to Fjerda. Whatever he’d been told, whatever evils lurked in the Great Darkness, this woman was not the cause. She’d saved him from the sea, and he would repay the favor. He had no words to tell her that. Instead, he pulled her from the crevice.
“Matthias Helvar,” he said as he extended his hand.
“Nina Zenik,” she replied, drawing herself up and carrying on as if she hadn’t just nearly fallen to her death.
Matthias gave her his fur as they marched on, side by side this time. He felt strange. Giving her the fur was offering her his protection, as he had been taught he should do for women. And yet, she’d also given him the protection of her magic in the frigid sea.
They descended into a valley, finding the second hut just as dark came on. It was smaller, meant for a few trappers rather than a boat of whalers, but it was just as well stocked. They built a fire and ate stored rations.
When it was time to sleep, Matthias stripped his outer layers and made a nest of furs large enough for two. She joined him with an almost shy smile. They didn’t touch, but shared a large woolen blanket.
The last thing he heard as he drifted off was her voice, “Thank you.”
Matthias woke in the dark to the feeling of hair in his face and smooth skin against his cheek. He was spooned against Nina, his body having wound around hers again in the night. He held himself perfectly still, telling himself it was so that he didn’t wake her, but he knew that to be a lie.
They weren’t naked like they had been the first night. She wore her tattered shift, and he his woolen underclothes. It didn’t make the feeling of her pressed against him any less intense. He wanted to rub his hands along her body and hear her enjoy his touch.
It sent a wave of guilt straight to his gut. Djel’s laws held that the joining of a man and woman was a sacred thing, only to be done under the vows of marriage. His desire dishonored them both.
Nina’s soft snoring stopped, and Matthias was surprised that after only two nights he’d learned the way she breathed in her sleep.
“If you are going to run in panic again, please do so quietly.”
Matthias swallowed, the feeling of holding Nina outweighing the shame. “I am not going to run.”
“Good.” She pulled his arm more tightly around her, wiggling a bit before going still once more.
Soon, the light snoring began again. Matthias took much longer to return to sleep, distracted by want.
When he woke again, Nina was melting snow in a pot over the fire.
“Morning, sleepyhead.”
She smiled, and Matthias felt a surge in his chest.
They crossed a valley and another rise that day, walking side by side. He helped her up steep paths while she kept frostbite at bay with her magic. They talked only a little, given the rough journey, but Matthias found himself smiling at her sharp wit.
That evening, the sky was ominously dark as they found the third shelter. Matthias made sure the support poles were buried deep and the skins lashed tight before going inside.
They made a nest of furs together this time. Matthias laid down on his side, one arm open, inviting her to nestle beside him. She did, pulling his arm and the blankets around her at once. Matthias felt comforted by the closeness of her body, exhaustion mostly overwhelming the lewd thoughts, and fell into an easy sleep.
When he woke the next morning, the wind was howling and Nina sat staring into the fire. She didn’t smile as he rose and dressed. Matthias felt an ache in his chest. He carefully opened the tent flap to scoop some of the whirling snow and set it beside the fire.
“The storm may last a while, but we are safe here.” Matthias wasn’t actually sure of that, but it seemed good to reassure her.
“It sounds like we’re in the Fold.”
Matthias had never been inside the Great Darkness, never heard it, but he could imagine.
“There are no monsters here, only natural creatures, following their path as set by Djel.”
“Keep talking. I’d rather hear your voice than this Saints-forsaken wind.”
Matthias was usually quiet and reserved, but he found himself wanting to tell Nina everything. He talked about growing up on a small farm. He’d loved caring for the sheep dogs, fascinated by their kinship with sacred wolves. As a second son, he’d done the proper thing and joined the King’s Thanes, protecting Fjerda from the evil magic of the Great Darkness. And he told her how Brum had recruited him into the Druskelle. That this had been his first mission, and how Nina had made him doubt all he’d been told of the Grisha.
She took his hand in hers. “Grisha are just like other people. Some are good, and some are bad, and most are somewhere in between. But we did not make the Fold, and we hate it even more than you.”
Nina told Matthias of her life. She’d been orphaned young and grown up in the Little Palace. Her teachers had discovered her gift with languages and trained her, yes, as a spy. Out in the world, she’d seen enough to doubt Kirigan’s plans. He talked of protecting Grisha, yet his actions just served to set the common people more against them. She wasn’t sure what she should do next, if she wanted to go back to his service.
They sat in silence for a few moments after that, letting the enormity of both of their doubts sink in.
“Actually,” Nina began with a mischievous spark in her eyes, “I should travel the world in search of the most delectable foods. There’s a Zemeni restaurant in Os Kervo that sets cheese on fire.”
Matthias grinned even as he shook his head. “That doesn’t make any sense. Who would eat burned cheese?”
“Oh they put it right out with lemon juice, but my Saints, it is amazing.”
Nina told more stories of the places she’d been. Matthias had little to add, as before this voyage he’d never been outside of Fjerda. Instead, he told her of the training contests the Thanes would have on the wall.
“I cannot understand what you all found so amusing about throwing giant logs.”
“It builds strength.”
“I had a combat master who told me that strength without cunning is worthless. She could flip a man twice her size one handed.”
Matthias shook his head and laughed. “I do not believe it.”
“Really? I know many women who can best a hulking beast like you in a fight, including myself.”
Matthias found he liked the spark of challenge in her eyes. “Ah, prove it, little witch.” He stood and opened his arms to invite her attack.
Nina circled him slowly, as if evaluating her options. She tripped over a crate of rations. Matthias reached out to catch her, but found himself promptly flipped onto his back. She straddled him, and rather than going for his throat or restraining his arms, she dug her fingers into the sensitive flesh of his hips. Without his outer layers, her fingers found their target much easier.
Nina laughed as Matthias bent and squirmed under her. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The great warrior is conquered by a feeble woman.”
Matthias could not help but laugh in response, helpless under her nimble fingers. “I concede, I concede,” he cried between gasps.
She relented, but stayed atop his hips.
“You cheated,” he said when he’d caught his breath.
“That’s your problem, noble warrior. There are no rules in a fight, and no cheating, you just do whatever you need to do to win.” She rolled her hips and smiled wickedly. “Besides, I can tell that you like it when I win.” She leaned down, bringing her face within inches of his. “Don’t you?”
May Djel forgive him, he did. He shouldn’t want this, should be chaste until he was joined in vows with a wife, but he found in this hut, far away from everything he’d ever known, he didn’t care.
And so, he did something impulsive and sinful. He raised his head off the floor and brought his lips softly to hers. She seemed startled for half a second, and then she pushed him back down with the force of her lips in return. Matthias had never kissed a woman before, wasn’t quite sure what to do, but he found himself reveling in the sensation of Nina’s mouth on his. She moved her lips smoothly, slowly, her tongue light on his lips. Matthias moaned aloud as she rolled her hips against his hardness once more. He was no stranger to his own hand, but even through all their clothes, this was more intense. His hands came to Nina’s hips guiding her as she continued to roll against him.
She broke the kiss, stilled her hips, and looked him in the eye. Matthias felt a rush of pride to see that she was as flushed as he felt.
“I want you,” she said, “but I don’t want to push you to do anything you don’t want.”
Matthias closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I want you too,” he said, running his hands into her tangled hair and pulling her in for another kiss.
After, they laid naked on the furs, his head on the pillow of her chest as she carded her fingers through his short hair. He knew he should be feeling shame at what they had done. But he didn’t. He felt warm, and tired, and wonderful. And like he never wanted to let her go.
They spent another week hiking through harsh mountains and gorgeous valleys, exhausted each night and hungry despite the rich fat of the rations. Yet, Matthias spent each night in Nina’s arms, feeling joy though all the hardship.
Near dusk, they crossed a rise and spotted Arkesk. As they approached, Matthias felt both relief at reaching safety and dread for the end of his time with Nina.
“We can’t just stroll into town like this,” she said. “We can’t answer questions about where we’re from.”
Matthias nodded, knowing they looked awful and had no explanation that didn’t lead to one of their arrests.
She stopped him with a hand on his arm. “There.” She raised her other hand to point at a long, narrow building with a metal pipe chimney. “That’s a laundry. It should be empty at this hour, and hopefully we can find some better clothes.”
Matthias knew that meant stealing. In Fjerda, hospitality dictated that they could knock at any home and receive food and shelter. But this wasn’t Fjerda, and they couldn’t explain why they were in need.
The laundry was warm and humid despite the vents in the ceiling. Long lines were strung across the building, loaded with drying wash from several families. Nina stoked the embers in the coal stove, reasoning that no one would notice the smoke in the dark. She found a few candles and lit them around a large basin.
“Fancy a bath?” She raised her eyebrow suggestively.
Matthias thought he’d never wanted a bath more in his life. He forced himself to take his time, luxuriating in the feeling of washing Nina’s thick hair and feeling her hands spread the soap over his body. When they were clean, he laid her down on a pile of sheets and slowly kissed every inch of her body. He savored the taste of her skin like it was the last time, stubbornly pushing aside the thought that maybe it was.
They left the laundry early in the morning, wearing clothes stolen from the lines. As they walked through town, Nina, almost casually, stole a couple of wallets. Matthias felt a wave of guilt at the theft, but he could not think of an alternative. It gave them enough money to rent a room at a tavern.
“I will go North in the night,” Matthias said, feeling his gut twist at the words.
Her face fell, and she pleaded with him, or the world, and wished for a place they could be together. Kerch did not sound like somewhere he wanted to be, but the Wandering Isle did. They could marry, have a farm, and no one would know where they came from. Even as he said it, he knew he wouldn’t regret breaking his oath as a Druskelle. The feeling of her hand on his cheek was already so familiar, he didn’t think he could live the rest of his life without it. When his stomach rumbled, he laughed. There would be plenty of time for kisses tonight, and he’d put off deciding what to do until later.
As Nina checked the tavern, Matthias stared at the trophy wolf head. It was sacrilege to hunt a wolf. They were sacred to Djel, the most powerful animal of the forest and a symbol of the order Djel created. These people did not honor Djel, and Matthias had broken with his order. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Djel was still his god, but these past days had given him cause to doubt some of the teachings. He certainly knew now that Grisha were not evil. What else was not true?
Nina interrupted his contemplation with the all clear. The waffles were a kind of fluffy, yet crisp bread, all the more delicious for having had nothing but rations of meat, fat, and berries for over a week. And Nina was happy. Matthias found himself delighting in her excitement. She was so beautiful, and he smiled without reservation.
Then, his head pounded, and his vision blurred. The last thing he heard was Nina’s panicked voice.
Matthias has no concept of time, only that there’s pain and then less pain, but always Nina. He can feel her hands on him, her magic guiding his blood through his veins. There are other hands on him as well, and the sharp snap of a bone being set. Someone cries out. There are dreams interspersed with little moments of consciousness where he can hear Nina’s voice, feel her near.
Matthias slowly becomes aware of himself, feels sunlight on his face and hears a gentle, nasal snore that he recognizes instantly as Nina. Every inch of his body throbs with the ache of healing wounds. He slowly opens his eyes to see Nina’s dark curls. The bed is soft and big. He’s on his back, beneath the blankets in the center, while Nina is curled on the edge under a shawl. Her fingers rest next to his, somewhere just shy of holding his hand.
The door opens to admit a slight man with dark, messy hair.
“Nina?” he whispers. “I brought breakfast. Waffles.”
She stirs and mumbles a string of expletives.
Her displeasure at being woken is so endearingly familiar and all of the sudden Matthias misses her fiercely. He flexes his fingers, moving to take her hand in his.
He hears her gasp and looks into her eyes when she raises her head.
“Matthias?”
He tries to say her name in return, but it comes out as a rasp.
Nina scurries up the bed, running her hands over his face.
The man moves next to him, holding out a cup of water, while Nina cradles his head to let him drink.
“Slowly,” she murmurs.
He takes a few small sips, then collapses against the pillow once more.
Nina runs her hand along his brow and through his hair. “Matthias, oh Saints, Matthias.”
He takes her hand, stills it against his chest, and in the distance, he hears the other man leave. “Nina,” is all Matthias can rasp out, his voice still rough and weak.
She’s crying now. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It was all I could think of. Fedyor would have killed you. I never thought... I’m so sorry.”
“Shhh,” Matthias says. He brings her hand to his mouth and places a soft kiss on her knuckles.
Matthias isn’t sure if he forgives her, or if he even fully understands what has happened. But he loves her. May Djel forgive him, after all this, he loves her completely, and the feeling of her hand in his is enough.