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"By any chance... could you- would you come with me at the Clamp Inc. Winter Ball?"
Seishiro smiles, his eyes are shining somehow, maybe from the smoke, maybe from the cold.
He takes another long drag on his cigarette, it's his second one since they met on the lonely roof of a Bunkyo apartment building.
"Are you asking me on a date? For a dancing evening? A bit old school don't you think? Even for a romantic heart like yours."
He puffs the smoke on him and now Subaru is sure his eyes are teary too.
"It's not what you think."
The ocher yellow of the sunset surrounds them like an impalpable mist.
"How cute you are, Subaru-kun."
The younger one closes his eyes looking at Seishiro's hand rising towards him, he feels the viscous touch of the man on his cheek, his thumb still covered in blood caresses his eyelashes.
"You are so cute."
They are so close, they can hear each other's words despite the roaring wind that surrounds them completely.
Subaru can't answer, his throat is closed-off, maybe... even his eyes turned shiny like the other's, it’s just - that they're overflowing now, maybe a few tears have fallen on his cheeks despite having done everything he could, even if he bit his lips so hard- to hold them back.
"Subaru-kun, no..."
Seishiro holds his face and bends down to kiss his lips and force him to let go of his teeth.
The other man's mouth always tastes good, it's Seishiro’s own flavor that cannot be compared to anything, not cigarettes or toothpaste, nor a good bowl of udon, nor a sweet mignon from the Ease.
No, no patisserie could offer anything like that flavor.
"Here."
Seishiro pushes hard his thumb on Subaru's bottom lip, the wetness of their kiss contributes to the dye, his fingers also fly to the younger’s bottom lip, and when Seishiro's finished his work, his golden eyes widen.
The marks of his fingers are painted in vermilion on Subaru's face, a white canvas, marked by tears, fast and dry lines that interrupt those bloody brushstrokes.
"Now you're… really perfect."
Subaru on the other hand... remains impassive.
He doesn't feel sad, he doesn't feel disgusted, he doesn't feel upset in the slightest.
He is tempted to take his lip back between his teeth, but the taste of copper has now invaded his mouth, the blood of others, people who have died, because of those hands that now hold his hips, as if Subaru was the most precious thing.
"Come to my place, Subaru-kun."
Seishiro's lips are against the younger’s ear, a warm shiver that contrasts the autumn wind that surrounds them.
He nods.
It is not…
It's not like you think.
Subaru blinks, feeling like he's being put on a trial by an invisible jury.
It's not like you think.
Seishiro's bare arm compresses his chest, his sleeping breath warms his neck, no other noise in the bedroom, only Subaru's thoughts, swirling and serious.
Seishiro is the Sakurazukamori.
A shiver makes him hiss and Subaru finds himself snapping his eyes shut.
It's the truth…
Yes, it is, it’s a truth that cannot be ignored.
Seishiro is a killer, he... he played with Subaru like a cat with mouse, he imposed an impossible challenge on him when he was just a child and once he grew up... he played with him for a whole year.
But…
The lips corners of the younger man lift in the dim light.
But Subaru won.
Seishiro has admitted that he doesn't feel completely indifferent towards him… he said it ... that day.
In that moment Subaru felt so happy... the speed with which he swallowed the truth about Seishiro's nature was something scary…
He no longer feared the incredible dark power of the man, the shock behind the truth was completely gone, his whole body was vibrating with joy, Subaru had his life saved, yes, but at that moment... he didn't care.
Living alongside Seishiro...
He would have done anything- he would have forgotten, forgiven any of the man's deeds, yes, Subaru would have trampled on his own morals, ignored the common good, turned his back on his own spiritual obligations, renounced his own name... if the other man asked him to.
Seishiro that time smiled, a frantic and vibrant smile, he raised his hands to grab his face, he was shaking, as if to hold back the excitement.
"What you say is very dangerous, Subaru-kun."
It’s the truth, he had answered that time.
It was the truth… and still is the truth.
Seishiro knows he has an immense power over Subaru's life, his lover revels in this power, tests it, sees how far the younger one can go before collapsing, but astonishingly Seishiro hasn't yet taken advantage of it to destroy him.
Perhaps…
If Seishiro had never really felt anything... by now Subaru would be six feet under the ground for a while.
Therefore...
It's not like you think.
"You're just pretending to sleep, aren't you?"
Subaru feels a giggle and the sting of a playful bite on his bare shoulder.
"I can never fool you huh, Subaru-kun?
Seishiro smiles on the skin that has just nibbled, raises his right arm to bring it to the younger’s neck and forces him to turn around for a deep kiss.
He uses his tongue but isn't frantic, he sucks his lip, he respects Subaru's breathing, everything Seishiro does after-
After-
It is always full of sugar, of sweetness, of care.
No matter how rough he was before, or how much he humiliated Subaru with words and gestures to make both of them reach a suffocating orgasm.
After everything is always different.
"I want you to come with me to the Clamp Inc. event."
"Are you still talking about that stupid ball?"
Subaru nods with a frown.
"I wouldn't ask if I wasn’t cornered.
This is a formal invitation from the Daidouji sisters, Tomoyo and Kendappa, their parents are family friends, my grandmother said that I can't refuse."
"And what does Hokuto-chan say?"
Seishiro's sharp teeth shine slightly amused, already expecting the answer.
"She said that considering Tomoyo's passion for video cameras she really hopes to smuggle in some tapes to have a laugh watching you dance."
The other's golden eyes narrow, Subaru feels himself grabbed by the legs, his back slips on the damp sheets and only for a moment he lacks breath, blinking, with his heart in turmoil.
Seishiro smiles but it's not his usual condescending and empty smile.
In fact...
All the man says is-
"No! No, please!"
"Chiharu-san, please..."
"No! Who are you... devil!"
"Chiharu..."
The woman who hired him, Hoshina Chiharu's... colleague ... looks at the possessed woman, shaking, with tears in her eyes.
She’d hired Subaru through his grandmother, she looked really devastated.
"Chiharu-san…I'm here to help you. Nothing I'll do aims to hurt you. Your closest friend is here with me, do you remember Emi-san? She's right beside me, you know? She asked for my help.
I'm Sumeragi Subaru and I'm here-"
"Devil! You are a demon!"
Subaru takes a deep breath.
The moonlight shines through the large window of the small western-style bedroom, the woman in her thirties continues to glare at him, in her hands, twisted in a bundle, the corpse of the cat she’s just killed.
"Chiha-"
"I smell blood."
Subaru grits his teeth.
"You... you look like an ordinary kid... but you smell like rancid blood... your sole presence makes me sick!"
Subaru- he…
He knows.
So he tries not to clench his fists too much or lower his gaze, Subaru must not give the spirited woman any reason not to trust him.
"Chiharu… look… you have blood all over your nightgown… let us get closer to you… Subaru and I, we’ll help you get back on your feet."
"Emi, you too... - the woman's eyes widen and for a moment she stops torturing her now bleeding lip with her teeth - even you… you didn't notice anything? He... is a demon!"
"That's enough."
Subaru closes his eyes and places two fingers in front of his face, in an instant the woman jolts, suddenly powerless, the red and dripping bundle slips from her arms, the woman beside him, Emi, runs to support her and prevent her from crashing knees on the floor.
"Sumeragi-san..."
Emi's eyes are bright but inquisitive, Subaru sighs, she'll be fine, he whispers, soon everything will be back to normal, before turning on his steps and walking away.
He knows… that probably nothing will be the same anymore for the two women.
Subaru shakes his head and fumbles in the pockets of his raincoat, he needs a cigarette. So…
He smells like blood... of rotting corpses...
The green eyed man sighs with relief when he gets to clench his teeth around the cigarette filter, the sound of the front door closing behind him coincides with the sound of a lighter clicking.
"Another satisfied customer I guess."
Seishiro gets from the younger a glare that makes him chuckle cheerfully, but despite his gloomy mood Subaru is grateful for that lighter, and for the fact that the other has waited for him.
But...
"Apparently... I stink."
Seishiro’s golden eyes widen, they seem almost darker, in the light of the moon, but it's just a moment, before his usual contained laughter rumbles on the open porch.
They’re standing on the second floor of the block that houses several small apartments. It's not a seedy place, but somehow it feels sinister.
"Oh, really? You always smell great, to me. Even when you sweat."
Seishiro raises his hand to leave the other a rough stroke on the head, Subaru doesn't move away, instead he takes a drag from his cigarette, but doesn't let the other know how much that contact is necessary for him at that moment.
He doesn't want to grasp the subtle sexual reference of the older one, he doesn't feel aroused, just... annihilated.
In pieces.
He would like to ask Seishiro to hold him, just- for a moment.
A moment in which they’re able to stop ignoring how important what they have is, to keep both of their heads above the water.
Whatever it is.
"I reek of blood. - Subaru says instead, starting to move towards the stairs, escaping from the other's grip. - I stink of you."
Subaru doesn't let his emotions surprise him, he concentrates on his own cigarette, on his own fast pace, he knows that Seishiro is following him immersed in thoughtful silence, he just needs to hear the sound of the older’s almost imperceptible footsteps, to grind his teeth in anger.
Seishiro is an assassin.
The awareness of this always strikes him, even though Subaru pretends to have accepted it, even if he doesn't want to think about it...
He wants to go home, take a long, hot shower, use the entire bottle of shower gel to try to get rid of what Subaru now knows is a smell that pervades him from under his skin.
An arm goes around his throat, he feels suddenly out of breath, panic surrounds him and the now extinguished cigarette escapes from his shaking hands.
"Calm down now."
The complex parking lot is full of cars covered in a thin layer of cold frost, not even a kid’s whine is heard, everything is still and silent.
"It's too late..."
Subaru’s voice comes out choked, he doesn't even try to lift his arms to fight Seishiro, he keeps them stiff at his sides, trying to breathe heavily through his nose.
"Subaru-kun. Just calm down."
He moves his head slightly to imitate a firm denial, but that movement inadvertently leads him to squeeze even more against the body of the older man.
"Subaru-kun..."
Why- why is he crying? Maybe he’s lacking air, that's why-
“Calm down now."
Seishiro forces the younger to turn his head towards him, Subaru has his back completely pressed against the other's torso, chest heaving, teeth clenched, cheeks wet with tears.
Seishiro leaves him a kiss on his wet eyelashes, sighs a few incomprehensible words on his temple before slightly softening his grip.
The cold light of the moon envelops them, making them a unicum, a hidden and indivisible shadow.
"Sumeragi-san... it would be an honor for me... if you agreed to-"
"Sumeragi-san! - Geo's embarrassed babble is interrupted by Karura's loud voice who leaps out of the elevator and joins them both quickly. - About the Ball..."
"Sumeragi-san... Daidouji-san is ready to welcome you to her office."
Subaru, a little overwhelmed by the words of the two comely lawyers, is almost grateful for the embarrassed cheeks of Tomoyo's personal assistant, Sakura-chan, who gets him out of a possible tough hitch.
“Please, excuse me."
Subaru bows low to the two, he quickly notices the difference in their shoes, bright heeled sandals for Karura and badly worn hiking boots for Geo.
"Sumeragi-san, I'll wait for you to finish your personal meeting with Daidouji-san."
The taller man frowns his bushy eyebrows and becomes serious, intense, as if-
"Me too! - Karura's diaphanous arm interrupts that exchange of glances, drawing all the attention to her deep blue eyes. - I'll wait."
Subaru nods, somehow sensing that what the two feel the need to talk about is important to them, so he nods, just as seriously, before adjusting his trench coat and walking towards the cream-colored door, kindly shown by Sakura-chan.
"I wanted to thank-"
"There's no need."
The girl smiles at him, today wearing a stylish tartan dress, red tights and lolita style shoes of the same color.
Probably this beautiful dress too will have somewhere the label of a small winged egg, hand-sewn by the President herself.
"There’s a possibility-"
"We have to thank you, Sumeragi-san. Your family for generations has maintained an extraordinary relationship with the Daidouji House, and the last time... with that man... you lent us a helping hand."
Subaru nods, remembering the frenzy of that infamous phone call.
"How is Eri-san now?"
“She’s good, definitely."
"That man... was her-"
"Yes. But now thanks to your support, they’re both very well. The man, Sukiyabashi… occasionally comes and picks Eri-san up from work. Maybe his appearance can still look very scary, but that man is no longer prey to his emotions, thanks to you."
Subaru nods, duty-bound, he whispers.
The Clamp Inc. is a prestigious law firm, the most famous in Shinjuku, it’s definitely one of the most renowned in Tokyo.
Subaru pushes the doorknob and almost finds himself squinting his eyes due the intense light coming from inside the room.
"Subaru-san! What a pleasure, finally! You ignored all my faxes!"
"I’m sorry."
"You ignored the phone calls and texts I sent to your sister and grandma!"
"I’m so, so sorry."
"What about all the letters?"
"The postman now recognizes me on the street."
A cloud of purple tulle surrounds him in an embrace, halfway between amused and annoyed.
"I missed you so much."
Subaru smiles, placing his hand gently on Tomoyo's beret, sliding his fingers through the girl’s silky dark hair.
Tomoyo raises her head towards him, pointing her thin chin on his chest, unable to differently make up for the many centimeters of height that separate them.
"Hokuto-chan teases me, she thinks I should marry you, and not Nokoru. Imagine that..."
Tomoyo's indigo eyes darken, a veil of sadness pervades them, although her smile is always there.
"Of all things..."
Subaru unconsciously imitates the girl's smile, who darts her gaze towards Sakura, now intent on arranging a couple of files inside a cream-colored container, unaware.
"Nevertheless-"
"Nokoru-san would be sad, Tomoyo-chan. He would be incredibly sad. Despite everything... you have to think about his feelings too."
At those words Tomoyo breaks away from his embrace, wearing her best neutral smile, before nodding.
"You're right. There's no one who loves me more than him… maybe… only Kendappa."
The purple eyes of the President linger on Sakura's back once again, it's a moment, and maybe if Subaru didn’t know- he wouldn't notice.
"That’s certainly true."
He says, instead.
The two look at each other for a few seconds, they’re still very close, despite the distance placed between them by Tomoyo a minute ago.
Subaru is sure once again that he’s returning the smile with the same sadness as the young woman’s, he blinks when he feels the weight of the past seconds weighing down his shoulders.
"I hope with all my heart that you will take someone with you to the Winter Ball."
Tomoyo moves her head to her left side, turning the sadness on her face into an amused grimace.
Subaru blushes, taken aback, moving uneasily under the provocative gaze of the young woman.
"I... I-"
"There's a line, Subaru-san. A queue."
"W-what?"
"Geo-san and Karura-san have been showering me with questions about your relationship status over the past few days... Hidetsugu-san and Shoko-san have already formally written to you asking to be your chaperones, haven't they?
What did you answer?"
"W-well... I've only seen them a couple of times, we haven't even talked..."
"Hidegetsu-san looks just like your type, doesn't he? Tall, dark hair, creepy smile on his face-"
"Tomoyo-chan!"
"More than women- I know you prefer older men..."
Subaru bites his lower lip and gazes steadily at the polished floor to his left, the ghost of Seishiro's fingers around his wrists is burning, as if it wasn’t days but hours since the man last touched the younger passionately.
What they have...
He can’t...
Subaru can't say it, he wouldn't be able to admit it to himself, let alone describe it to others.
Nevertheless-
All he can say-
"I already have a date for the Ball."
"Oh."
Tomoyo's astonished sigh is immediately suffocated by a knowing and happy smile.
"He must be a truly exceptional man… if you chose to have him by your side."
Subaru lowers his head, inexplicably feeling his own cheeks very hot, but in front of him there’s only Tomoyo, someone he has known all his life, someone who wouldn't judge him… negatively.
Because Subaru is selfishly making room for someone in his life…
Or for the fact that the someone is a man.
It's just-
That eventually Seishiro gave in to Subaru's constant requests.
"Do you know what that means? If you take me there, to a party full of important people, prominent personalities from all over Tokyo, if you take me there, Subaru..."
Seishiro grabbed his chin that night, pushed his nose next to his temple, next to his teary green eyes, the older man was still inside him, even if their passion climaxed a few moments before.
"They'll think that I'm your partner.
And if... among those people there is also someone who really knows me... you know that-"
Subaru clenched his jaw and spoke hardly through his teeth, with an anger that perhaps came from post-orgasm pain, perhaps from the annoying reticence of the other.
"If indeed there will be someone who recognizes you, then I will raise my hands up to my chest, until your pentagrams are visible, because they won’t have any doubts."
I'm yours.
"He's a man… out of the ordinary."
Tomoyo smiles once more and winks her right eye in Subaru’s direction.
"I didn't expect anything different."
Subaru glides his eyes over his bare hands, Seishiro spared him, but didn't give up on him, the star-shaped scars no longer have that angry thickness, even the color has lightened, but the shape of the Sakurazukamori mark has remained visible, to those who know its meaning.
When the time comes, Seishiro will kill him, and honestly…
The thought of this future eventuality comforts Subaru.
He should have died that day after all, all those years ago… under a lush and strong cherry tree, thick and well nourished with sap and blood.
But having more time, more time to live with Seishiro, more time with the man he loves...
Every day is a gift.
"He doesn't know..."
What I feel.
How deep is my attachment.
How strongly my soul vibrates, as electrified, at every touch.
How much my heart weighs in my chest at every glance.
Tomoyo twitches her eyebrows slightly, confused, but her understanding smile doesn't fade.
"Really?
He doesn't know?"
And then the doubt begins to creep into the back of Subaru's mind, is it possible that his own body has been more eloquent than his words?
It is possible that Subaru let out an unmistakable sigh, an explicit gesture…
Attesting what Subaru has felt for a long time…
"I never told him."
It’s true.
Subaru said many things to Seishiro.
He has told Seishiro many times that he hates him, that he’s a despicable man, a soulless killer, a manipulator with no morals, the cruelest man Subaru has ever known.
But he also told Seishiro…
That the sound of his voice captivates him, that his touch excites and comforts him, that his presence balances him, that his body gives him such intense pleasure that he forgets his own name, that his eyes are so deep and brilliant as to recall the color of-
"-sunrise. That's the only thing I told him."
No one except Hokuto knows Seishiro's true nature, so Subaru flies over all his thoughts to cling only to that last swirling memory.
Subaru waiting up for him until six in the morning... in the old empty and cold apartment that the older one rented for his work... a bed too big and empty for one person... too much... too much time without Seishiro, too much, and then-
The soft light of dawn that effortlessly overcomes the lightweight curtains to slowly illuminate his figure, the figure of Seishiro, as if the man had always been there, next to the built-in wardrobe, part of the furniture, a silent witness of Subaru's agonizing loneliness.
And Subaru...
He didn't have the time to build his usual mask of detachment and coldness, he didn't have the chance to bite his tongue and scratch his arms to hold back those words, they slipped like unstoppable lava.
"Your eyes remind me of the rising sun."
