Chapter Text
It was no secret the effect Siyeon had on women. Be it a stranger on the street, a long time fan or even… a coworker of some sorts. If you asked Siyeon herself what the secret was she’d probably tell you that she didn’t know, that all she ever did was try to be friendly and be herself, but that wasn’t all of it. She had a flirtatious streak, that was no secret, not to her or her friends, or anyone remotely close to her, but she’d wholeheartedly deny ever using it to her advantage, claiming it was other people misreading the situation.
But if that was true why was Bora currently watching as her member and long time friend softly brushed back a strand of hair of a girl she could only recognize as a staff she had briefly interacted with whenever they come to this building for work. The main dancer could only grit her teeth and turn around with a flip of her hair, trying to ignore the annoyance creeping up from within.
It’s been years, yet she still struggled to witness such behavior from Siyeon. I mean, she knew, the members all knew, the staff too was aware of Siyeon’s antics, but it’s not like they could really do much seeing as it was Siyeon’s personal life. The only thing they could do was trust Siyeon to make reasonable decisions and to be careful, because while it was her personal affairs it could still affect the entire group. And that is exactly why Bora struggled so much to accept Siyeon’s behavior since the start. The first few times it had happened, or at least that the members know of, it was a rather big deal. They were young, only just starting to climb up their professional ladder. Siyeon hadn’t come home for a night, only entering the dorm at a highly unexpected 6:45am with quiet steps, tiptoeing around the strewn shoes and slippers of her dormmates. And while it was rather astonishing that Siyeon was awake at that hour, this wasn’t where the problem lied.
On the small barstools in the kitchen stood two hunched over figures nursing mugs full of what Siyeon could only assume was coffee by the smell, and the two figures were none other than her gracious leader and her best friend. Both of them looked relieved when they spotted Siyeon entering the apartment, Minji hurrying to plop down from the stool and hug Siyeon with a warm smile on her face.
“Thank god, Siyeon!” She sighed into her shoulder. “You weren’t answering your phone, we all tried calling, but it just went off at some point.”
Minji let go of the hug, but kept her hands firmly on Siyeon’s upper arms as she fixed a stern gaze on the younger. Siyeon could only really nod tiredly, never the early bird, even after years of being a trainee she still struggled in the mornings.
“I’m not your mom, Siyeon, and I’m not gonna ask for explanations on where you’ve been, but please next time just give us a heads up, okay? Manager unnie was going crazy all night.” Minji spoke softly, but with authority, hoping Siyeon would really listen to her and this night wouldn’t be relived any time soon.
Siyeon nodded again, holding her older friend’s gaze for a second before her eyes shifted over her shoulder and stopped on the second oldest. Bora was scowling at the mug in her hands looking tired, but much more awake than Siyeon felt or looked probably. A wave of guilt washed over her. Siyeon didn’t want to cause any concern to anyone, she truly didn’t plan to stay out all night or for her phone to die. It’s just how the night played out and while all she wanted in that moment was brush pass Minji, throw herself in the comfort of her own bed and overthink everything that had happened that night she knew she couldn’t. And she shouldn’t.
“Hey,” the leader called out, hands still holding Siyeons arms. “Are you okay? Did anything happen?”
Siyeon looked back at the woman in front of her, catching the worry in her warm eyes and immediately regretting ever thinking it was a good idea to agree to a second round the night before.
“No,” Siyeon finally spoke for the first time since she entered the apartment. “It’s all good, unnie, don’t worry.”
Minji only managed to offer a relieved smile at the answer before Bora was jumping up from her seat, a sarcastic chuckle leaving her lips.
“I’m glad you’re okay, Siyeon.” She spoke with obvious distaste, causing Siyeon to lower her head in shame. “I’m also not gonna ask where the fuck you’ve been. I’m only gonna say that I hope that the paparazzi had a good night’s sleep unlike us, because if they didn’t and someone caught you out there doing god knows what, then you could kiss all of our careers goodbye.”
Siyeon couldn’t really say much to this, because while the girls didn’t know where she had been or what she was doing that night, Siyeon knew. And she knew that they were absolutely right.
“I’m sorry,” She whispered, a small frown forming on her face. “You’re right.”
She couldn’t say much more in her defense, because she was very aware of Bora’s words. She knew she was absolutely correct. They fought so hard for years to be where they are now. A second chance being given to them to prove themselves and to grow. To prove that almost 10 years of training were worth it and that dedicating your life to pursue your dream wasn’t a lost cause. They all struggled too much over the years, giving up so much for the collective good of the group, too much for Siyeon to just ruin all because of a one night’s mistake.
Bora and Minji watched as Siyeon started towards her room throwing a quick, “I’ll call manager unnie later and deal with everything.”
“Hey, don’t worry.” Minji hurried to call out, throwing a dissatisfied glance at Bora in the process. “We haven’t seen anything. Manager unnie hasn’t called either, so I think you’re fine. Also if you haven’t done anything that you shouldn’t have, then it’s all good.”
Siyeon stood at the door to their shared room and grimaced at the last sentence.
Another chuckle could be heard from Bora.
“Bora,” Minji scolded quickly.
“That’s a walk of shame if I’ve ever seen one, Minji.” The dancer said with an obvious tone.
Siyeon could feel the blush creeping fast up on her face.
Minji looked back at Siyeon and sighed for the hundredth time that morning.
“Singnie…”
“I’ll fix it.” Siyeon said again, not really able to deny the accusation being thrown at her. “Sorry for worrying you guys, you should go back to bed.”
With that the main vocal entered her room and closed the door behind her, leaving the other two women staring at the closed door for a second before Bora spoke up again.
“She didn’t deny it.”
“Bora…”
“Minji.” The dancer turned to her. “It’s not my place to meddle in her business, but when her business messes with mine… I can’t accept it. We’ve all been through too much for all of it to be ruined, just because of something like this.”
“She’s not stupid, Bora.” Minji hurried to defend the younger girl. “And she’s human. It would be truly hypocritical coming from you to attack her for something like this.”
“That’s diff—“
“No,” Minji interrupted, frustration seeping into her tone. “It’s not different.”
“It is!” Bora shot back quickly. “I haven’t been with anyone ever since we debuted!”
The leader brought a hand up to slowly massage the tension gathering up in her eyebrows.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Bora.” Minji laughed humorlessly. “Everyone chooses the sacrifices they make.”
“So you’re okay with this?” The dancer scoffed.
“It’s her life, Bora!” Minji loudly exclaimed.
A tensed silence fell upon the two women as they looked at each other, one frustrated, the other plain angry.
“I don’t understand why you’re so angry,” the leader broke the silence. “Even if this is the reason for her not coming home, it looks like she wasn’t caught. And I hate to break it to you, Bora, but we really aren’t a breaking headline.”
“If you think we’re not relevant enough to be caught by the media right now, wait until we do and then we’ll never get to be relevant.” Bora retorted sternly.
“Why are you acting like this?” Minji narrowed an accusatory glare at Bora. “This isn’t the first time that one of the girls has been out for the night. You’ve been out too, so have I. Are you going to keep tabs on them too? Is this how you’re going to act every time?”
“I’m looking out for us, Minji.” Bora defended herself.
“No, you’re overreacting is what you’re doing.” Minji spoke a little softer now, a bit of the frustration melting away. “When we sat in this kitchen the last few hours I thought it was because we were both worried for Siyeon, not because of her.”
“I was worried for her.” Bora argued back.
“Well, attacking her wasn’t the best way of showing it.”
Bora closed her eyes not saying a word and Minji took that as a clear confirmation of her statement.
“You should go to bed now.” Minji said with authority. “You haven’t slept much. And when you wake up you’ll apologize to Siyeon.”
With those words, the leader turned and went into her room, leaving the other girl standing alone in the middle of the room.
***
Remembering this scene was a bit painful for Bora, as she did recognize later that her reaction was indeed… an overreaction. She knew she couldn’t control the life of the other girls, she didn’t want to either. All she wanted was for them to be careful and safe, but Minji was right like almost always: they weren’t stupid. There was a little voice in her head telling Bora that perhaps there was a very logical explanation as to why she reacted the way she did that night and if she just did a little self- reflecting maybe she could find out. But avoidance is one of Bora’s many fortes. She had so much on her plate already with work, why would she meddle in her own emotions when it could backfire immensely and she needed to be on her A-game. Especially when they are currently promoting.
Bora walked into the waiting room seeing it rustling and bustling, managers walking around making sure the girls are taken care of, stylists getting their equipment out and ready, the members, most of which dressed, talking excitedly among themselves. It was all just as always. Including Siyeon out there in that corridor.
Bora didn’t know how Siyeon kept everyone’s mouths shut even with the steady rise of their fame and recognition, there hasn’t yet been a slip up. And despite her earlier promises of being careful with this kind of thing, Siyeon grew increasingly more careless. And while the general public wasn’t aware of this side of Siyeon, her infamy carried throughout the industry. The amount of idols, be it male or female, swooning after the vocalist was quite honestly astounding.
It’s not like all of the members hadn’t received a handful of confessions throughout the years, but they all went mostly ignored by the girls. But Siyeon was different. She didn’t by any means sleep around carelessly. She just… had a certain charm about her, making it very difficult to not fall for her.
She didn’t entertain men, though, much to their dismay. She could flirt with a guy here and there, but never with the intention of escalating it any further. It was rather known that she had her eyes on women.
Bora tried time and time again to figure out why Siyeon was doing this. Compromising their career for ‘a bit of fun’ as Siyeon herself had once put it. But she couldn’t really come up with anything. She saw the change in the younger vocalist throughout the years. Ever since that first encounter in the kitchen that morning, early 2018, she could physically see the confidence grow. The air around her started changing, her style started changing, her demeanor. Of course, all of the girls had changed over the years. Confidence was only a logical result of the recognition they started to receive for years of hard work. But it still wasn’t the same.
Bora didn’t understand why she was so affected by the choices Siyeon made in her personal life. The other girls didn’t care, if anything they found it entertaining to hear about Siyeon’s escapades whenever they sat down for a drink in the living room floor. The dancer always chose to silently retreat to her room whenever this happened, not wanting to dampen everyone else’s mood, but knowing it wasn’t a good idea to listen to those stories.
Siyeon knew too, that her unnie wasn’t fond of those stories, it was obvious in the way she attemted to shoot down the curious questions of the younger members whenever Bora was within earshot. Perhaps she didn’t know an exact reason as to why the older was acting so off whenever the topic arose, but honestly neither did Bora.
Or so she thought, really. A confrontation with none other than Minji and Yubin a few years ago, one she attempted to put out of her mind at all times, had stirred up something in Bora, a thought… a crazy one having in mind the circumstances.
Yubin was the one who said it first.
“Unnie, at this point I’m starting to think you’re just jealous.”
Bora remembers Minji just silently shooting her a look from the couch where she was sat next to Yubin, observing as shock passed through Bora’s face, her mouth opening and closing a few times, without a word coming out.
She was sat on the floor next to the small coffee table they had, where a glass of red wine stood in front of her.
“Pfft,” the dancer huffed out with a chuckle at last. “Me? Jealous?”
Yubin nodded and sipped from her can of coke.
“Of what? Siyeon sleeping around?” Bora’s chuckle turned into a full ironic laugh. “What, you think I can’t get laid if I wanted to?”
“That’s not what I meant.” The rapper said.
“Then what?” Bora raised her eyebrows in expectation, her jaw tensing because she had a feeling of what the younger girl was insinuating and frankly, she didn’t like it.
“I mean, I know it’s not my place to speak, but one would have to be very dense to not notice the way you look at Siyeon unnie.” Yubin calmly explained with a pointed look.
Bora was speechless. What was she supposed to say to that? In her head this was an insane accusation. Her? Having feelings for Siyeon? No, everyone was misconstruing her frustrations once again.
“Don’t make me laugh, Yubin-ah.” The main dancer spoke up after a brief silence passed.
Minji silently watched the interaction, observing as obviously complex emotions passed over Bora’s face, none of which the leader could quite place. One thing was obvious though, the dancer was cutting the conversation there.
Bora focused on the table in front of her, silence engulfing the room save for the low volume of the TV they had put on as background noise.
Minji felt the rapper gently nudge her, shooting a questioning look at the girl on the floor as if asking if she knew what is happening.
But before Minji could shake her head, Bora grabbed her wine glass chugged it in one swift go and slammed it back on the table, startling the other members. Minji thought the glass had been one short hair away from breaking onto that table.
The leader watched as Bora stood up and wordlessly went to her room.
“Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth closed.” Yubin sighed next to the leader.
Minji hummed in response and patted the younger on her thigh, “It’s not your fault.”
“Does she know about Yoohyeon?” The rapper asked suddenly.
“Yoohyeon?” Minji looked at her confused.
“Yeah,” the younger raised a brow. “Siyeon unnie and Yoohyeon?”
Memories flooded back into Minji’s mind. A distraught Yoohyeon entering her room after making sure Siyeon was out, frantically asking for Minji to hear her out, not to get mad and to just help her figure out what to do.
Yoohyeon has had a crush on Siyeon for about as long as they had known each other. The lead vocalist never once thought of actually pursuing the older girl though, fully aware that there were way more cons than pros in confessing to your member. She never really confided in anyone about her feeling at first, on one side because she wasn’t sure how okay her members were going to feel about her liking a girl at first, then later when she figured that wasn’t going to be a problem when Dami had come out to the group, other things stopped her from doing so. She only dared to approach Yubin one night after being very tempted to act on her feelings, finally letting out her feeling she had been hiding for years.
Yubin ever the voice of reason, hugged Yoohyeon and with a pat on her head said, “You know best, Yooh. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to confess, not now.”
Minji remembers how distraught Yoohyeon looked as she recalled the events of a night she was supposed to spend with Siyeon just binging horror movies, a moment to unwind between busy schedules, yet turned into something entirely different. Not long after the second movie and the third bottle of soju and beer the Yoohyeon had Siyeon pressed against the armrest of the couch, lips barely a breath away. Siyeon had tried to reason with Yoohyeon, saying how it was a bad idea, but Yoohyeon was too tipsy, too intoxicated by the sheer closeness of her long time friend and crush that she chose to ignore every part of her brain screaming how wrong this was. Because how could it be wrong when it felt so right.
There wasn’t really a morning after to the events of that night as the moment they were finished, Yoohyeon panting into the parted lips of Siyeons’s mouth, she was rudely awakened from the haze she had been engulfed in by the sound of the passcode being put in the front door. The two wasted no time in getting the little clothes they had thrown off in the haste back on. They didn’t really spare a glance to each other as Handong entered with about ten shopping bags hanging off her hands, throwing the girls in the couch a quick hi before disappearing into her room, completely missing the disheveled looks of the two women or the weird silence that followed the greeting of the Chinese.
Yoohyeon stood up the second the door to Handong’s room closed and only managed a weak “It’s late.” Before also disappearing into her room, eternally glad that everyone except Handong had been out at that moment.
Yoohyeon had looked for Minji a few days after that, telling her everything that had happened and apologizing over and over, thinking she has somehow ruined their careers because of this. But Minji could only smile softly and comfort the younger with gentle rubs on her back as she hugged her, repeating over and over that it was okay.
At the end of it all Minji’s advice had been for Yoohyeon to clear up the awkward air between her and Siyeon and to keep it low if it kept happening. But Yoohyeon was adamant that it was never going to happen again, as it was too dangerous. Not only for the group, but also for her heart.
“Siyeon unnie isn’t going to change just because of what happened.” The lead vocalist murmured lowly. “That would be too much of me to expect of her.”
“You don’t know that, Yooh.” Minji tried to console.
“I do.” She looked down at her fiddling hands. “I know that night meant much more to me than it did to her. I could feel it.”
Minji tried clearing her head of the memory. She hadn’t heard anything else about them since then. Yoohyeon hasn’t approached her again to talk and Siyeon never did in the first place, once again keeping her private affairs private.
“I don’t think Bora knows.” Minji finally answered the question. “And it’s better if it stays that way.”
***
“Siyeon, it’s your turn for hair!” The manager called out into the waiting room, only looking up from his phone when no answer came.
Catching Gahyeon standing up from one of the stylists’ chairs with the corner of his eye, he called her over, “Hey, have you seen Siyeon? She’s the last one left.”
“Oh, no I haven’t.” The maknae pursed her lips as she looked around the room quickly. “Ask Jiu unnie or Sua unnie maybe?”
With a sigh, the manager nodded and went to look for the leader.
Minji, taking photos of Handong in the corridor right outside of the waiting room quickly turned her head when she heard her name being called.
“Yes?”
“Where’s Siyeon?” The manager asked immediately.
“Oh, I don’t—“
“Probably fucking the show staff.” Bora spat out as she passed the three people in the hall, leaving them absolutely speechless.
The manager slowly nodded, smacked his lips and smiled as he turned to walk back into the waiting room, “I do not get paid enough for this.”
Minji scowled the second she realized what Bora had said, pushing Handong’s phone back into her hands with a quick 'be right back' and she was off, catching up to Bora.
“Hey!” Minji said and grabbed the dancer by the elbow making her sharply turn around, long straight black hair twirling in the air.
“Ouch?” Bora lifted a brow at where the leader was gripping her hand almost painfully.
“What was that for, huh?” Minji demanded.
“Manager was looking for her, I told him where she is.” Bora said matter-of-factly.
Minji put a tired hand up to her forehead, trying to resist the urge to rub her eyes as the make up was freshly put on.
“You’re starting to go out of line, Bora.” The leader looked up with a serious gaze.
Bora roughly pulled her hand out of Minji’s grasp, “She’s the one getting out of hand.”
“God, Bora!” Minji yelled out exasperatedly. “Don’t make me lock you two in a room together.”
“What?” The dancer exclaimed in shock.
“Your goddamn jealousy is starting to mess with the rest of the girls. Either talk it out with Siyeon or don’t, I don’t care, but just stop being so passive aggressive about her every move!”
Bora gaped at the outburst, throwing a quick look around the empty hall, before saying, “Have you forgotten what happened at V-1?”
Minji opened her mouth, but was quickly interrupted by Bora firing rapidly, “Her competing against that girl Jueun, explaining how they met in the hair salon, had a drink, oh so innocent and pure as if they hadn’t been sleeping together for months.”
Minji closed her mouth and let Bora finish her rant.
“The girl’s company trying to blackmail Siyeon into dropping out of a competition that was going to bring her so much recognition. Her whole career and ours hanging on the goodwill of a random girl, cause she couldn’t keep it in her pants. But it’s Siyeon we’re talking about, why would she ever get worried, why would she ever consider anything other than her own pleasure? Of course she didn’t drop out of the competition and of course there were no repercussions again. Somehow it all worked out in her favor once again! And of course that didn’t stop her from getting with that other girl from the competition, why would it? At this point her reputation precedes her and it’s not in a good way.” Bora scoffed in frustration
Minji looked at Bora, searching her eyes for a second before speaking up.
“Your frustration is wrongly placed, Bora.” The leader calmly explained. “You shouldn’t be saying this to me but Siyeon.”
“It can’t be reasoned with her.” Bora huffed out.
“If you drop the charades, it can.”
Bora frowned at that.
“What are you so mad at Bora? That people go after her or that she goes after people?” Minji confronted, sick of her friend’s behavior at this point. “Or is it that even when she does, there are no repercussions? What is it? Do you want her to get caught, do you want her to suffer for having a life?”
The main dancer kept her mouth shut as she listened to the frustrated leader.
“Have you even talked to Siyeon about this? At any point? At all?”
More silence.
“Well maybe you fucking should.” Minji almost snarled, this behavior wasn’t it. Not from one of her best friends, her coworker. She was sick of being in the middle of this weird unspoken fight between the two. It looked almost one sided at this point, so it was even more frustrating to listen to all of this. Bora was acting professionally in front of the cameras but behind them? A whole other story.
“You accuse Siyeon of not thinking of the group, but you’re doing the exact same if not worse right now by being like this.”
Bora avoided the leader’s glare.
“Talk. It. Out.” The oldest enunciated firmly, keeping her eyes on the other woman as she turned on her heel and walked away.
The dancer had physically recoiled back, almost shrunken in on herself as the leader shot off at her.
Was she right? Was what she doing worse than Siyeon? Perhaps she really should talk to the younger girl. She can’t even remember the last time she sat down and spoke with Siyeon one on one.
With heavy steps she trudged towards the waiting room.
***
Everyone was ready now, putting on their mics and testing, waiting only for the staff to call them for the stage recording.
Bora stood a little to the side as she struggled to pass the cord of her in ear through the back of her uniform, huffing a little. She glanced up at the rest of her members and quickly decided against asking any of them for help. After her tense conversation in the hall with Minji, she wordlessly went back to their waiting room and got ready, not really looking at anyone or interacting with anyone.
It’s not unusual for Bora to do this. Whenever she’s angry, overwhelmed or really anything other than happy she tends to shut everyone out isolate herself in the comfort of her own thoughts. Only this time her thoughts were anything but comforting. Her head chose this exact moment, when she should be focusing on her performance, the stage, the cameras to instead focus on her. She couldn’t do this right now, she couldn’t think about her right now. The last time ended with her almost passed out drunk, because hey, did you know that thinking about your feelings makes you realize stuff? Bora hated it. It was the one realization that she didn’t want to have, it was like her eyes were forcefully opened in the middle of a deep sleep and all she wanted to do was close them again.
The feeling of cold hands spooked the dancer right out of her thoughts. The hands grabbed the cord she was still struggling with and pushed it inside the back of Bora’s crop top, the cold sensation on her warm skin caused a visible shiver to run down the dancer’s spine. But the cold didn’t last for long as the in ear was quickly pulled out from the top if the crop top and laid gently over her shoulder.
The main dancer turned her head to throw a quick ‘thank you’ to who she could only assume is manager unnie helping her, but was instead met with fierce eyes and a slightly downturned mouth.
“You’re welcome.” Siyeon returned the politeness, not looking away from the side of the older’s face.
Bora swallowed thickly and turned her head straight ahead again. Siyeon never approached her these days. Only if there was someone else there did she feel like she was allowed to interact with the older member, but now she was here, looking at her with a seriousness she wasn’t used to from the main vocalist.
“You can’t even look at me?” She heard from behind her again, her hands busy trying to distract her by fidgeting with the mic pack in her hands.
“What do you mean?” Bora asked, ironically enough without looking at the younger girl.
She saw the younger circling her so she was standing in front of her in all of her annoying dazzling glory. She looked too good for her own good, I her white one piece uniform, hair short and straight, make up dark and accentuating her eyes a bit too well. Bora hated to admit that she knew why there were people lining up for miles for this woman.
“I heard you in the hall, you know.” The main vocalist lowly said. “You’d be happy to know I didn’t fuck anyone.”
Bora inhaled sharply at that. She heard her.
“She was in a hurry, bumped into me, her hair got stuck on the uniform and I helped her, we exchanged pleasantries and went our own ways. But I don’t know maybe you consider that ‘fucking’ in your mind.”
Bora kept quiet, she wasn’t expecting this confrontation and while the explanation seemed plausible and frankly legitimate judging by the sharp glare being sent her way, she was still in a mood from the general bad taste the whole sight has left in her mouth.
“Hey, maybe next time you could talk to me directly if you feel bothered by my existence.” Siyeon narrowed her eyes. “That is if you ever really decide to talk to me again.”
“I-“ Bora didn’t get to finish her thought, watching as Siyeon sauntered off towards the door, where the rest of the girls were gathered.
Standing there, looking at the younger girl and thinking of what had happened so far in the day, Bora internally scolded herself.
Minji was right. Her behavior was unacceptable. And it only got so bad because she chose to bury her feeling as deep as she physically could. So she decided in that moment, she was going to talk with Siyeon, clear the air, lay all the cards down and hope for the best. She could only hope that decision wouldn’t cause an even bigger rift between her and the members… specifically Siyeon. The career she was so angrily protecting all these years, now she was going to risk it in hopes of what? Friendship? Colleagueship?
Love?