Chapter Text
The air outside sat as cold and heavy in his mouth as a stone. It sent chills all over his face and down his back, and he was surprised the sweat there didn’t instantly freeze. Mo Ran had let Xue Meng go ahead, walking down the stairs of Chu Wanning’s building with what he hoped looked like a kind of stately dignity.
Xue Meng looked askance at him as he held the front door open. “Did I really pop one of your balls?”
Mo Ran rolled his eyes. “No.”
“Shame. You know, if there’s ever a ‘next time’, I won’t just kick them. I’ll… I’ll throw some liquid nitrogen on them and smash them, and your dick too.”
“Aww, then it’ll be the same size as yours!”
“Oh, har har, you piece of shit!”
“Don’t worry, I don’t think that’s what Mei Hanxue is interested in…”
“Fuck off!” Xue Meng’s hands were shoved deep in his pockets, and he angrily stomped on the ice. Wuchang had a few small shops, and two supermarkets – a three-aisler near the university, closer to where Mo Ran and Chu Wanning lived, and a six-aisler in the very centre of the town. “I can’t believe what a bastard you are. How could you do that to him?!”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?!”
“I mean, there’s no excuse I can offer. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”
“Yes. Well.” Mo Ran’s simple agreement seemed to take the wind out of Xue Meng’s sails. “Mo Ran. What is it that everyone’s not telling me?”
Mo Ran stared ahead. “What do you mean?”
“Like that – exactly like that! I’m not stupid. I know there’s something that no one’s saying. Mum and Dad – Mum is saying that she wronged Chu Wanning somehow. She said she couldn’t face him, she sent a letter with Dad instead. And they’ve been fighting. And… It makes no fucking sense. None of this makes… Why the fuck does Hua Binan hate you so much? Because the only thing I can think of is if he likes Chu Wanning, and if he does, why would he hurt him?”
Mo Ran felt a riot of emotions: affection and anger both, at Xue Meng’s view of the world. And relief, that Xue Meng had stumbled upon a suitable lie he could give. “Yeah. That’s it. And Chu Wanning told him to fuck off, and that’s why he hurt him. Because he was rejected.”
Legally speaking, it had only been possible for an adult man to be raped for the last eight years – it wasn’t going to occur to Xue Meng as a possibility. And if it did, he’d be too uncomfortable with the thought – about any man, sure, but especially someone he admired so much – to do anything other than immediately dismiss it.
Xue Meng drew a long breath. “For fuck’s sake. And his… He must have beaten him to shit. That bastard!”
“Yeah.” Mo Ran shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and picked up his pace.
“But… Mo Ran. Um.”
“We need staples,” Mo Ran said, before even Xue Meng realised there was more to it. “Frozen stuff. Stuff that’ll keep.”
“Okay… why?”
Because he didn’t know when Chu Wanning would be ready to leave the flat. “Just because that’s what we’ve run out of.”
He wanted to send Xue Meng off to buy vegetables or something, but he trusted Xue Meng when it came to cooking less than… well, Chu Wanning. At least Chu Wanning could make at least three dishes, and had kept himself alive through his twenties.
Besides, Chu Wanning had made them promise to stick together.
But it hurt. Not his groin – no, that did still hurt – but this tantalising suggestion that he could endure a kick to the balls and some verbal abuse, and he and Xue Meng could be cousins again. Was that possible? Was that what it was like in a normal, real family? He and Chu Wanning were as bad as each other when it came to ignorance of family dynamics.
“It was bad,” he said quietly, as he tested yams. “He didn’t just punch him or whatever. Hua Binan. He… I don’t know much. I’ve gathered some bits, from when Wanning was delirious. He’d never say anything otherwise. But Hua Binan used drugs. Paralytics. Then he threatened you. Threatened me. Said he’d hurt us in front of Wanning, and that he couldn’t do anything to stop him, and the sadistic bastard got off on watching him struggle. Watching him scared. He beat him with a candlestick. Strangled him. He used… There were knife marks. Burns. And he said he’d do the same to us.”
Mo Ran looked down at Xue Meng, and his white face made his heart ache. “I’m telling you this because… Because it’s been really bad, Xue Meng. It’s been… Wanning- Chu Wanning’s doing much better today than he has all week. He could barely move the first few days. He wants to play it down. You know what he’s like; making a fuss will embarrass him. But the reason he said those things to you–”
Tears, always so humiliatingly close these days, sprang to his eyes without warning; Mo Ran looked up and down the aisle to make sure they were alone, and bit the inside of his cheek. He focused on the shelves of noodles behind Xue Meng.
“You know what Shi Mei did to him. You know the evil, disgusting thing I did to him. And then Hua Binan… That’s three out of his four students. He thinks that he’s the common denominator. He thinks that it’s his fault. So he wants to protect you from himself. Because you’re the only–”
Despite his best efforts, the tears fell. He turned around sharply and wiped his face, wiped his nose. “You’re the only good one of us.”
He tried to focus on the box of radishes; they blurred into a white mass. He heard Xue Meng swallow.
“But that’s not… It’s not his fault…”
“I know that. You know that. But he… He thinks statistically. And he doesn’t know what he looks like, or why entitled bastards would… He would never do anything like that to someone, so he can’t understand why anyone else would. How anyone else could. And he thinks your dad thinks the same thing, so that’s why he told you to leave. It’s not because he didn’t… It’s because he didn’t want you to be hurt or tainted by him.”
“That’s dumb.”
Mo Ran could hear the tears in Xue Meng’s voice. A couple of students, laughing loudly and shrieking over something, barrelled into their aisle; Mo Ran hurriedly wiped his face again.
“Yeah. Could you- Rice. We need rice. He likes the sticky kind.”
“Yeah. Sure, yeah – this?”
Mo Ran nodded, and threw the bag into the basket. He felt like an idiot, crying in a supermarket, but Xue Meng deserved to know this much at least.
“What do we do now?” Xue Meng asked in the next aisle.
It felt easier to talk without looking at each other, somehow, and Mo Ran addressed his answer to the bags of frozen seafood mix. “What Chu Wanning wants. That’s what we do. He’s the one who- Whatever he wants to do, we do. And… I know I don’t deserve anything from any of you again. I know that. But in front of him, we should be… It upsets him. He thinks that he’s the one who broke… who destroyed our…”
Who destroyed our family. The family that never existed. Mo Ran had created it out of deceit, and then he had shattered it with deceit as well. The Xues were good and kind, and Mo Ran had brought them misery upon misery in repayment.
“I’m not saying it for my sake. I don’t know how to convince you of that, but I’m really not. But in front of him, let’s just not be too… Outside, you can say whatever you want to me. Do whatever you want. I deserve it. Fuck, I think I’d feel better if you went for me. But I want to keep everything soft and quiet and nice for him. No shouting. No violence. Nothing that’ll make him think about… He deserves to be looked after, and no one has, and so I…”
There was moment of silence to his left. The loud girls in the side-aisle were joined by a third voice; they were talking loudly about a Christmas date one of their boyfriends had bought them on.
“Okay,” Xue Meng said. “Only kick you in the dick when he’s not around. Roger.”
“Thanks.” Mo Ran tried to smile. “That’s generous of you.”
“Well, it’s for him, not for you,” Xue Meng said, but there was no malice in his voice. “You’re so fucking stupid.”
“I am.”
“I always said it. I’m the smart one.” Xue Meng sidled alongside him as Mo Ran filled the basket. “But… However stupid you are. Dad told me the rest of it too. And the police.”
“Oh, that.” Mo Ran dismissed it with a gesture, and reached for a bottle of soy sauce. “I was beyond caring at that point. When I began to think that maybe he really was dead… God, when they said they’d found his jumper with blood on it – what did anything matter after that?”
“But I’ve heard what it’s like, in the bureaus. And what that woman did to you. Not letting you eat. Not letting you sleep.”
There was genuine concern in Xue Meng’s voice, or so he thought. Mo Ran turned to look, and it was really there, written on his face too.
Oh, fuck it. He dropped the basket with a rattling clang, and hugged his cousin.
Xue Meng stiffened in his arms, but then Mo Ran felt one hand snake around his back.
“Groping me now too, ge? Pervert.”
Mo Ran snorted, and something painfully like relief bubbled in the back of his throat. “What’s there to grope? It takes two Meis just to find something…”
“You’re fucking obsessed.” Xue Meng finally pulled away, and kicked Mo Ran’s shin lightly. “Is it because they’re blond?”
“It’s because they’re twins,” Mo Ran said with a damp laugh. He swiped at his eyes. “That’s kinky as fuck.”
“Gross! Urgh, you’re such a fucking freak!”
“And now I’ll never have the chance to do two twins at once, so I’ll have to live vicariously through you.”
“You’re going to be waiting a long fucking time! They’re friends – though, knowing you, have you ever had a friend you didn’t want to fuck?”
Mo Ran smiled down at him with naked affection. “Only one, Mengmeng. Only one.”
“Who- me? Me?!”
“We’re cousins, aren’t we? I suppose ‘friend’ is stretching it–”
“Not blood cousins!”
“You didn’t know that.”
“But you knew it! Why me – why wouldn’t you want to fuck me?”
“Do you want me to want to fuck you?”
“No!”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“You’d fuck anyone except me! How am I meant to take that as anything other than an insult?”
Thank fuck for the Mei Hanxues, Mo Ran thought as they waited at the check-out; they were always guaranteed to make Xue Meng flustered. He turned on his automatic charm for the cashier, who roundly ignored him in favour of listening to the radio she had taped to the underside of her till.
“– breaking news regarding the Rufeng University terrorist incident in Linyi last month –”
Mo Ran stopped packing and waved a hand at Xue Meng to shut up.
“– we have heard that Commissioner General Kong Liuxian is due to make a statement to the press regarding their investigation at noon –”
Mo Ran looked at his phone. “Shit. We have to go – Mengmeng, take this bag.”
“Why should I have to carry–”
“Just take the bag, for fuck’s sake. You wanted to know what's going on – there’s going to be an announcement in four minutes. It’d better not be some bullshit…”
Again, he resisted the desire to sprint ahead. He wished suddenly that he’d kept up with the Rufeng news – he had no idea what stage the investigation was at.
He had brought the keys to the flat with him, so that he didn’t have to spike Chu Wanning’s heart-rate by using the buzzer. Chu Wanning and Xue Zhengyong were sitting at the little table, with an open bottle of baijiu between them.
Chu Wanning looked up, and Mo Ran’s heart flipped over when he smiled. A sigh shuddered out of him, and he toed his slush-soaked shoes off.
“Big noon Rufeng announcement,” he said quickly. “It’ll be on CNC.”
He hated himself for saying it, when Chu Wanning’s smile instantly faded. He didn’t own a television, so he picked up his laptop and opened it to find a livestream. It looked like he and Xue Zhengyong had drunk about a quarter of the bottle already, but that much wouldn’t touch Chu Wanning, even on antibiotics.
“– of the eleven suspects, four were apprehended and seven were killed in the course of the arrests. Two members of the Blue Sword Commando Unit sustained minor injuries and are expected to make full recoveries. Among those killed was the group’s ringleader, Li Yuxan, who is understood to have taken over the running of the so-called Shadow Guard criminal organisation after the death of Nangong Xu in Linyi last month.”
“Li Yuxan,” Chu Wanning whispered. He was gripping his half-empty glass of baijiu so tightly that Mo Ran was surprised it didn’t shatter. The liquid trembled against the sides. “That’s who Hua Binan called from here. He’s the one who put the bag over my head.”
Mo Ran had been watching over Chu Wanning’s shoulder. Ignoring his uncle and cousin, he bent at the waist, put his chin on Chu Wanning’s shoulder, and held him tight. “And in Rufeng… Nangong Xu asked what name he’d use, his second-in-command. He said his own, and Nangong Xu said, ‘Good luck, Yuxan’.”
“Mn. I think I remember something like that…”
“You were a little tired at the time,” Mo Ran said, and pressed a quick kiss to Chu Wanning’s beloved temple.
“– gang is thought to have recently been in operation in Sichuan, and the operation to apprehend its members took place in Fujian.”
“Thank you, Commissioner General Kong, for your statement and your hard work in the neutralisation of this extremely dangerous group of criminals. This statement follows that given by the Government one hour ago, that 60% of the 22 billion yuan stolen from Guyueye Pharmaceuticals has been recovered and confiscated by the State Treasury, pending investigation into Guyueye’s potential culpability or negligence, under Article 64 of the Criminal Code. Further to this, the names of all estimated carriers of the genetic illness known as Butterfly Bone Syndrome have also been seized by the Government, who reiterated today that anyone included in these lists is expected to voluntarily submit financial statements for government audit to ensure that no stolen funds have been received.”
“I thought…” Chu Wanning turned off the sound as the broadcast went onto the next story. “I thought Jiang Xi said that he was willing to let the money go as compensation? I read it in Shanghai; he said that proper renumeration should have been paid years ago…”
Xue Zhengyong shook his head. For some reason, he cast a glance at Xue Meng. “He did say that, but the Government made him walk it back. It was announced on our way here – they were probably waiting for the criminal side to be wiped out before they released it. He’s been banned from using his own funds either. Apparently it would just encourage similar crimes in the future; no one can be seen to be benefitting from hacking and theft. Not great for public order.”
Mo Ran was still holding Chu Wanning; he could feel him thinking. “What is it?”
“Hm? Nothing.” Chu Wanning sighed, and shrugged his arm off. “No, nothing. But they’ve caught them. That’s… That’s a good thing.”
“It is, Yuheng,” Xue Zhengyong agreed, reaching across the table to shake his arm. “So no worrying, eh? Listen, read that letter, and I’ll send Meng’er by at seven to pick you up.” He looked up at Mo Ran. “Both of you. Your auntie’s putting effort into the meal, so wear something nice.”
Mo Ran’s breath stuttered in his chest; for a ludicrous second, he remembered Hua Binan telling him that he had barotrauma, that he’d had the air knocked out of him. “Y-yeah. Yes, I mean. Thank you.”
“Mn.” Xue Zhengyong stood up. “And put that shopping away – aiyo, I was going to say that it’ll defrost if you leave it out for so long, but there’s no chance of that in here! Don’t you have central heating?”
“Mo Ran bought us some oil radiators; it’s much warmer than it was.”
“I don’t believe you! You’re a terrible liar. Right, seven – come on, Meng’er.”
They waited in tense silence for the Xues to leave, and then Chu Wanning relaxed with a sigh.
“It went okay?”
Chu Wanning nodded. “It went okay. I just want to sleep again now.”
“What did he say?”
“He apologised. He said he hadn’t processed my resignation, so I still…” Chu Wanning rubbed his eyes with a shaking hand, and stared at the envelope on the table. “Your aunt sent me a letter.”
Mo Ran kissed his hair. “Shower first. You can read it later. You’ll feel a bit more ready to face it then.”
“Mn.” Chu Wanning finally stood up, stiff and awkward; he’d not sat on the hard chair until now.
Mo Ran felt a great wave of grief and pride wash over him. He smiled until he heard the bathroom door lock and the shower start up, and then dropped it. He sank down onto the now-hated sofa. What now? Was it even possible, that he could have both Chu Wanning and his family? Was redemption really-?
His phone buzzed with a text notification and he fished it out of his pocket. For a moment he thought it would be Xue Meng, finally beginning his never-ending stream of inane outrages again.
It wasn’t. It was an unknown number, and the world came crashing down around him.
I just saw your spoilt brat of a cousin and your idiot uncle leaving Wanning’s building.
Mo Ran stood up and went to wrench open the door to the balcony, when sense stayed his hand on the handle.
If Hua Binan was watching…
I think Wanning’s birthday dinner was the longest night of my life, you know. A-Jing had always said how annoying you all were – Wanning excepted, of course – but I have no idea how he lasted so long. He’s more patient than me. I wanted to poison the breakfast the next day.
If Hua Binan had a gun…
Aren’t you going to come out, Mo Ran? I think I can see you.
The phone rang.