Chapter Text
Sometimes life really fucks you over.
Beomgyu isn’t exactly an unlucky person, but neither is he particularly meticulous. So as he stands rooted to the ground, watching the glowing red ‘CANCELLED’ right next to the oddly familiar ‘00:30 – KE 1403 – Seoul’ stare back at him on the LED board, he finds himself blinking owlishly.
00:30 – KE 1403 – Seoul.
Cancelled.
Those words are awfully familiar and awfully ominous when put together. One hand clutching the handle of his luggage and the other fumbling for his phone, he feels his stomach completely sink when he sees the exact same words staring back at him from his phone screen.
Good fucking lord, he must be cursed. Top ten worst things that could happen after a week-long business trip where he’d been endlessly rushed to and fro, barely making it to the airport after one final meeting that ended just two hours ago.
He literally has a presentation with the board the next day.
The next day, when he should have landed safely in Seoul with just enough time to take a warm shower at home before heading back out for an astounding board briefing on their newly clinched client.
Sounds like a terrible plan because Beomgyu actually fucking hates work. But at the same time, having his flight cancelled sounds like an even worse crisis to have when his schedule is already jam-packed.
Groaning without a care for the looks of surprise from the people around, he stalks over to the counter for a last-ditch grasp at some sort of miracle. To be frank, he might not be the most meticulous person, but having a cancelled flight isn’t exactly something anyone is typically well-prepared for.
And he’s reminded of that after a fruitless ten-minute conversation with a frazzled airline staff member and an even more fruitless conversation with his supervisor.
“I’m just sayin’ all the other flights are fully booked. No can do Beomgyu.”
For someone whose employee’s about to miss an important briefing, Soobin sounds terribly chill and for the hundredth time that week, he wants to sock his supervisor in the face.
“What the hell do you mean no can do? Are you gonna do the briefing or what?”
“Oh damn… I forgot about that.”
Soobin yawns and Beomgyu inhales sharply, his other hand nearly breaking his luggage handle clean. “Soobin-nim.”
“Okay okay, not the honorifics. Look I really can’t do anything, it’s like ass o’clock. And there are no flights available for booking till tomorrow afternoon.”
“Exactly. It’s ass o’clock, I’m the one stranded in Taipei without a flight back, about to miss tomorrow’s briefing, and I’ve checked out of the hotel. Am I supposed to sleep here till tomorrow afternoon?! I’m beat!”
He is beat. And maybe it’s not exactly Soobin’s fault that the flight’s been cancelled. But still!
Perhaps it’s the frustration in his voice, or perhaps it’s simply Soobin finally waking up and being more awake to the world, even though it’s barely 10pm and Beomgyu’s been the one scurrying around endlessly in a foreign land for the past week, but the other man clears his throat, finally sounding more awake to the world.
“Okay okay, look uh– I have a friend staying somewhere in the main city. I’ll ask him if you can crash with him for the night alright? Just for a while till I sort out your new flight. And when you’re settled in, send me the info, I’ll handle the briefing.”
Beomgyu heaves an internal sigh of relief. It might be infuriating, but he’d frankly been dreading having to head for the briefing after a midnight flight and despite the trouble he’s been put through, he might actually have an excuse to take a break for a few hours. At least have some sleep.
He feigns an annoyed groan before thanking Soobin but with the way the other man snickers, it seems as if his act has been seen through.
“For the record, fuck this company.”
Soobin barks out a laugh. “As your friend, I’ll definitely not mention that to the big boss. But as your superior, good job on clinching the deal. ”
Beomgyu hums, hanging up and wondering why such casual praise still gets into his head even though he knows that in a grander scheme of things, the company – apart from Soobin maybe – really doesn’t give a fuck about his contributions.
Stuffing that down, he refocuses on his phone when it buzzes, tapping on Soobin’s message.
It’s not the most ideal situation, but he can only pray that this friend of Soobin’s isn’t going to be cranky for being interrupted on a damn weeknight.
-
This friend of Soobin isn’t cranky. Thank god for that.
But he isn’t really sure whether or not to be thankful that this friend is painfully nice and charming. Which totally should not be the attitude Beomgyu’s expecting from someone being intruded on at literally 11pm on a random Wednesday night. Not that he’s complaining.
He’s just feeling a little woozy, partially from the way he’s been overworked and rushed around like a worker bee before being subjected to a complete mess at the airport. And then there’s this.
This – as in this really charming and attractive guy whose sturdy frame is hardly hidden even in his thick grey hoodie smiling down at him while swinging his door open.
“Uhh–”
“Beomgyu right?”
Soobin hardly gave him any information apart from an address and for a moment, Beomgyu’s tongue-tied, simply nodding.
“... Uh yeah. Soobin’s friend?”
Cringe. God Beomgyu’s been facing too many dreary people decked in stiff suits and fake smiles, this is like a breath of fucking fresh air that also leaves him momentarily socially inept.
The man doesn’t make fun of him for the awkwardness, stepping back and allowing him to enter.
“Yep, I’m Kai. Welcome to my humble abode,” he greets. “You can uhm– make yourself at home, I guess. Sorry, I’m not quite prepared for guests so it’s slightly messy.”
It really isn’t, but it does look lived in, with stray hoodies and a couple of plushies dotting the otherwise neat living room. Beomgyu thinks it looks way better than his own apartment, looking virtually untouched because of the sheer number of hours he spends at work, only returning home to shower and sleep before that same shit repeats itself like he’s trapped in some sort of time loop.
“It’s fine, it looks cozy, thanks for having me. I’m really sorry for interrupting.”
Kai waves his hands frantically and Beomgyu gets the sense that he isn’t the only one slightly nervous and awkward.
“No it’s fine, I start work in the afternoon tomorrow anyway. You’re really not interrupting. I’m so sorry you missed your flight though.”
Slightly at ease now, Beomgyu follows Kai to the couch as he sets his luggage aside.
“It’s alright, don’t tell Soobin but I’m glad I don’t have to rush back to work at ass o’clock.”
Kai laughs lightly, hand flying up to cover his mouth as he does and Beomgyu can’t help but stare, watching the other man’s eyes crinkle into little crescents. Kai’s a little shy, and that’s alarmingly cute. Beomgyu shakes it off with an amused smile of his own.
“Well uh– Work can really suck sometimes huh. Uhh– I have a spare mattress, if you don’t mind you can sleep in my room.”
Beomgyu blinks a little too slowly, rendered speechless before Kai visibly panics, realization flitting across his expression. “Oh no no that’s not what I mean. I meant like there isn’t that much room for a spare mattress in the living room because it’s small here and that thing its frame is like attached to my bed and uh–”
Breaking into a laugh, Beomgyu puts a hand on Kai’s shoulder to calm him down, and the other man shuts up instantly. “I get it, I was just teasing you. If you don’t mind I’ll intrude for the night.”
“Oh– Yeah thank god. I’m sorry it sounded weird, I really haven’t had anyone over in a long time so I’m a little… Awkward. Sorry about that.”
It’s oddly endearing and relieving, watching Kai scratch his nape, though he looks more relaxed, tension momentarily broken.
“Well let’s just uh– let’s just get you inside,” he mumbles, leading Beomgyu to his room.
-
The awkwardness starts settling over them all over again like a second blanket the moment they’re in bed, Beomgyu barely 10cm below Kai. If he cranes his neck, he can probably peek at Kai in bed, but that’s creepy and weird and so he settles for staying absolutely still in his bed, ignoring the itch to toss and turn in fear of disturbing the other man.
A rustle resounds, and it startles him for a moment. Okay, maybe he draws a sharp breath a little too audibly because Kai’s mumbling out a rushed apology instantly and that alone is enough to make Beomgyu bark out a laugh.
Comically enough, Kai groans from above.
“Sorry, you keep catching me being awkward.”
Beomgyu turns on his side, huffing out another laugh. “It’s really fine. I’m sorry for interrupting your sleep, it’s unlikely I can fall asleep now.”
“Honestly, I don’t sleep that early usually. My work is usually a little… later.”
“Makes two of us.”
“Aren’t you tired though? It’s like 1am or something.” He hears Kai shift, and his heart jumps when the other man's voice grows slightly louder, telltale of how he’s turned on his side to face Beomgyu’s direction.
“I… I have a bit of a sleeping problem. Insomnia, I guess?”
It’s mildly weird for Beomgyu to be telling stuff like that to a literal stranger, but for some reason, it’s the fact that this man doesn’t know him, and will probably never see him again after tonight that leaves him slightly more uninhibited than he’s used to.
Kai hums. “Is there anything I can do to help? Candles? Warm milk? More blankets?”
It’s so sincere, so genuine, that Beomgyu can’t help but chuckle.
“Maybe you can chat with me?”
Daring, but it’s worth a shot. There’s a moment of silence and Beomgyu nearly feels embarrassed enough to retract the offer, but with another ruffling of blankets, he looks up in time to watch Kai poke his head out, his dark hair falling to the side as he peers down at him.
Shifting so he’s on his back and looking up at Kai, Beomgyu can’t help but find the view slightly more adorable than he expects. The other man nearly looks like a little cat peeping down at him.
“Hi,” Kai mumbles quietly.
“Hi.” The amused smile on his face is probably stark even in the dim moonlight from the window.
“Is that like uh… Uhm a long-term problem?” Kai doesn't sound like he’s probing, but rather, more concerned and clearly worried he’s overstepping too.
“Yeah, I’ve had it ever since I started my current job.”
It might be risky, considering how Kai’s Soobin’s friend in the first place. Even if Beomgyu’s pretty vocal to Soobin about his distaste for certain work arrangements, there’s still a line to be drawn with his superior after all. But the other man seems hardly the kind to snitch, not when he’s biting his lip thoughtfully.
“Is it tough? I mean, I hear some bits and pieces from Soobin. We haven’t been as close since I moved here a couple of years back, I kinda just see his Instagram Stories about being miserable working overtime and stuff.”
That earns a chuckle from Beomgyu. That was indeed Soobin-esque behavior. “It is quite… painful. High expectations, low recognition, packed schedules, rude bosses. Sometimes I want to quit, y’know. But it’s easier said than done.”
“Sometimes?”
Beomgyu blinks owlishly before realizing the other man’s making a little joke. He huffs, slightly endeared that Kai’s relaxing slowly too.
“All the time. You caught me.”
Kai smiles lazily, the pretty upturn of his lips captivating even in such terrible lighting.
“I… I have a best friend and every day I tell him I’m gonna quit. Every time the damn boss sends some rude email or ridiculous task, I’ll text him like Tyun,dude I'm gonna quit this motherfucking job but I finish my work, head home, go to bed, and then wake up the next day going through the same shit all over again. It’s like some curse I can never break. I’m so… tired I can’t sleep, I can’t have a social life, all I do is force that one friend to buy me food at the nearest Macs while I bitch about work. I can’t even find the will to wake up on some days. But then I still plaster that stupid work smile on my face and flit through each day.”
“Other people will be like find something new, your health and mental health’s more important. But like mental health is just– it just doesn’t pay the bills you know. And who’s to say the next venture won’t be the same shit all over again.”
He snaps out of it momentarily, realizing he’s rambled a little too much.
“Woah. I’m so sorry, don’t know where all that shit came from.”
He does. Beomgyu knows exactly where all that came from. Lengthy laments bottled up for a long time, finally unleashed on a poor unsuspecting stranger. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s sure he’s never going to see Kai again after tonight, or maybe it’s also the fact that Kai’s peering over at him with such genuine interest, not a hint of pity or surprise in sight, just understanding. As if he’s sincerely listening to Beomgyu and feeling what he’s feeling.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize. I was the one who asked. And it’s nice you trust me enough to tell me these things.”
Heaving a sigh of relief when he realizes he truly hasn’t scared the other man off, he continues, “I’m a bit of a loser right? Actually a massive loser. Everyone has to work and I’m just here complaining.”
“Hey. Don’t say that about yourself. Just because it’s something other people go through doesn’t mean you can’t feel upset and stressed. You’re you. And your feelings are valid. Also you’re holding down a job despite the toll it takes on you. It’s commendable.”
“You’re doing great.”
It’s Beomgyu who feels overwhelmed with the words instead. A semblance of comfort he needed. Not unwarranted advice from someone who doesn’t have a clue about the difficulties he faces, not pity or sympathy, not someone cussing out his bosses – sometimes he needs that, sometimes he just needs what Kai’s offering.
A sign that he’s doing well – that despite how stuck he feels in this shithole hell called adulting, he’s still doing his best and that that alone is good enough, even if it really isn’t.
“Thanks, I needed that. Really.”
Kai reaches out slowly, patting his head. An awkward series of motions which leaves Kai drawing his arm back quickly with a nervous chuckle. And yet it makes Beomgyu feel immensely comforted.
“Enough about me. What about you? Why did you move here?”
“Ah–” Kai looks surprised by the change of topic.
“It’s alright if you’re not comfortable sharing! Really.”
“No no it’s fine. There’s no real reason honestly. I moved here because… I just like the place?” he laughs lightly. "It's pretty here."
This time, he makes no effort to cover his face and Beomgyu can watch the way his teeth part slightly, lips curling while his eyes disappear into little crescents.
And then it’s gone, replaced by bashfulness.
“I also… I think it’s similar. I was tired of the routine back in Seoul. And I think the trigger was really… It was a break-up.”
It surprises Beomgyu, he’s not going to lie. Kai seemed more reserved but had a sort of chill, no-strings-attached vibe, it was hard to picture him moving countries just over someone. The surprise probably shows on his face because Kai looks self-conscious and Beomgyu’s rushing to reassure him otherwise.
“Oh my god, I’m sorry. I’m not judging you at all, you just dropped it like a bomb and I wasn’t expecting that.”
Kai nods, though he still has his lip caught between his teeth, contemplating. Beomgyu waits patiently, trying to commit Kai’s features to his memory as his vision adjusts even better in the darkness.
“He wasn’t the reason I moved here, but it left me nothing to stay for in Seoul you know, I wanted to do something different, go somewhere where no one knew me, and I could start anew. Stuff like that. It’s nothing great, I still work a regular job, it’s nothing cool.”
“Hey. Don’t say that. You like it here?”
Kai laughs, soft and airy.
“Yeah, I guess. It’s nice having a change of environment. Though my Mandarin still kinda sucks ass, I still know enough to survive and the people here are nice. The food. God– it’s perfect.” Kai’s eyes gleam slightly and Beomgyu can’t help but mirror his excitement despite how subdued it may seem.
“That sounds nice. I haven’t been around much. Work has been kicking my ass even here.”
Kai looks contemplative all over again and Beomgyu figures that the other man’s considering the possibility of offering to take him out for a meal or something, but perhaps that boundary was still better left not traversed.
The sentiment is undoubtedly shared and Kai switches the subject, much to Beomgyu’s conflicting disappointment and relief.
“I’m sure if you search hard enough, you’ll find something at the airport before you leave.”
It’s good enough to break the tension and Beomgyu lends him an out by flashing a thumbs up.
“Are you happier here?” he blurts. “I mean. You really don’t have to answer it. I just wonder if moving here helped you move on with your break-up.”
Kai doesn’t look offended. If anything, he takes a moment to mull over the question a little more seriously than Beomgyu expects.
“Maybe? Happiness is pretty arbitrary, isn’t it? Sometimes when I manage to catch both the bus and train without delays, the rest of my whole day is bright and I feel like I'm on top of the world."
"Some nights when I’ve had a bad day, the apartment feels lonelier than usual and I guess I do contemplate whether I made the right choice. Like if I hadn’t fucked up my previous relationship, maybe I’d have someone to come back to on these tougher days. But then the feeling goes away and it’s just… I guess it’s there. That emptiness like something’s missing.”
“He’s missing?”
“Not exactly. It’s just sometimes, I think it’d be nice to have someone to share some moments with, especially when I was used to having that for a few years with my ex. And it feels hollow being alone, but it also doesn’t just magically fill up by surrounding myself with people or by settling with someone casually. At least not for me.”
Beomgyu hums. He doesn’t have the most experience in relationships apart from the occasional one-night stand, so he’s hardly one to give advice.
“I’m not a relationship expert, but I think it’s normal to yearn for company, whether it’s from a friend or a lover.”
“That’s a nice way of looking at it.”
“Why did…” He trails off, meeting Kai’s gaze.
“Ah. Why did we break up?” Beomgyu squirms a little, apologetic for how he just blurted out the question.
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. He said I didn’t love him enough. And I supposed it could’ve been true. That’s… A bit of a problem of mine. I can’t… express myself that well. I’m scared of things. A lot of things. I was scared when he started talking about moving abroad for his career. So scared I couldn’t say a thing. And when he finally wanted to end things, I was too scared to fight for it. Funny how I'm the one who ended up moving abroad first.”
“I don’t… I don’t think of him that way anymore, I think. I don’t wish for him to come back. But I think it hit me hard when he told me that I’d fight for someone I really loved. He was right. And I didn’t fight for him.”
“We all have things we regret though. Sometimes a good person isn’t the right person either. Doesn’t mean you made a mistake.”
They lock gazes again and Beomgyu watches surprise dance across his features.
“Yea–Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
The conversation dies soon, a quick glance at his phone nearly astonishing him upon the realization that they’d talked for nearly two hours about stuff Beomgyu wouldn’t typically tell even his own best friend.
Not that he didn’t trust Taehyun enough, but that it just felt much easier to confide these dark, repressed sides of his own mental state to someone who wouldn’t have any preconceived notions. Someone who’s a stranger he’d never meet a second time.
Someone like Kai.
For the first time in a long time, Beomgyu falls into a dreamless sleep the moment he closes his eyes.
-
Beyond the Satan's incarnate that's his daily work, part of the dreary routine in Beomgyu's life also comprises Soobin springing last minute shit on him. How ironic. But how unwelcome too.
Because Beomgyu's rudely awoken by the shrill ringing of his phone and the excellent news from Soobin that he has to get to the airport in an hour because they just managed to get him into a flight at noon. Fair enough, it's somewhere around 8am, but it's also hardly fair because it'd been a while since he slept so well.
And he's still dazed when the line finally goes dead, phone abandoned in his hand as he rubs his eyes, staring into space.
A cough from behind startles him as his sleep-laden brain finally starts logging in.
"Everything alright?" Kai's voice is hoarse and low from sleep, but concern laces it all the same.
Good god he'd forgotten where he even was.
"Holy shit–" He spins around, blanket pooled at his waist. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I just gotta get to the airport like… now?"
He truly isn't prepared for the view of Kai with his hair tousled cutely, his lips in a soft pout as he rubs his eyes, barely open as he furrows his eyebrows, trying to properly wake up.
Terribly adorable, terribly pretty, terrible because Beomgyu doesn't need to see how cute this random stranger looks when waking up.
"Like… now?"
"Yeah. Sorry for waking you, I just need to–"
"The spare toothbrush is where you left it last night, go go. I’ll tidy the bed later," Kai mumbles, smiling faintly before he blinks. All before abruptly scrubbing his face with both palms vigorously.
Some sort of attempt at rubbing the sleep away.
Some sort of comical yet endearing habit, it would appear, he nearly looks like an otter cleaning his face.
Barely stopping himself from cooing, Beomgyu forces himself to tear his gaze away, padding over to the bathroom to get ready, the reality of his impending flight finally kicking him into action.
The next time he sees Kai again, he’s much more awake to the world, hair tidied and visibly more alert as he steps out from the kitchen, a little lunchbox in his hand.
“Have you uh– Gotten a ride?”
Beomgyu lifts his luggage up to the door, watching the other man unlock it for him.
“Yeah, it’ll be here in a couple of minutes.”
Nodding, Kai swings open the door.
“Thank you for having me, sorry for intruding.”
“It’s nothing, you don’t have to keep apologizing,” Kai’s voice is soft, gaze following Beomgyu as he lugs his suitcase out of the apartment.
There’s a brief moment of silence as they simply stare at each other, the door frame separating them suddenly insurmountable. It’s a little bit of a ridiculous fantasy, but just for one second, Beomgyu considers asking Kai for his contact. Yet that urge disappears quickly when he becomes hyperaware of the suitcase by his feet.
They won’t see each other again.
“It was nice talking to you last night, thank you for entertaining me.”
Kai shrugs before holding out the lunchbox in his hand. A pink little box with a tiny fox printed smack in the middle – one he recognizes as the character from Pororo.
“Uhm, I know you probably won’t have much time to get any food. It’s just a reheated leftover egg pancake. A bit of a snack on your way there.”
Kai doesn’t mention it, but Beomgyu knows it’s purely because he mentioned having not had the time to explore any of the local eats during his time here. It makes Beomgyu’s stomach flip – a feeling he isn’t sure whether he likes yet.
He should turn it down, shouldn’t let himself feel any more enamored by the man in front of him. But his muscles act before his brain can rationalize anything, grabbing the lunchbox from Kai.
Mouth hanging open stupidly as he stares at the box, he hears the other man huff out a soft laugh. Relief? Bashfulness? Maybe a little bit of both.
“You can keep the box, I have many of them.”
He nods, barely mumbling out a thank you as he tries to ignore the way his heart stutters just from that brief act of thoughtfulness.
“Bye Beomgyu, have a safe journey home.”
Finally forced out of his stupid stupor, he looks back up at Kai with a matching smile.
“Goodbye, Kai.”
-
In some fantasy alternate reality, Beomgyu would allow himself to fantasize, to romanticize that fleeting moment with a random person miles away from his home country.
To indulge in how surreal it felt finally finding solace and comfort he’d longed for in one random person.
Except in this version of reality – the crude one Beomgyu lives in – he’s thrust right into endless hours of work the moment he reaches back to Seoul. But perhaps it’s for the best, because he has barely a second of free time to let his mind wander.
To let himself yearn for something that he’d briefly had a taste of.
Kai leaves his brain cleanly for the most part, up until he’s struggling to sleep again each night. During those moments, he cuts himself some slack, trying to recall the comfort he felt that particular night, pouring his heart out to someone who didn’t judge, who made him feel heard.
And maybe at times, when he feels extraordinarily belittled and beaten down, he returns home to his empty apartment, too quiet, too empty and sparse, eyes falling on the pink lunchbox, washed and jarringly placed in his otherwise clinical living room. Times like that, he thinks about Kai’s little talk about wanting to return to someone who could share moments of his life with.
It’s silly.
Yet the memory fades with time and Beomgyu’s soon fully back to his worker bee routine, drowning in reports, calls with unreasonable clients, back aching from hours in front of his computer, and facial muscles sore from the number of fake smiles he’s had to plaster on each day.
He’s forgotten about Kai, for the most part, stuffed at the back of his head right till–
“I was too busy to ask, how did your stay with Kai go?”
Funny how time passes. It’d been over half a month and if Beomgyu’s being honest, the memory isn’t quite as fresh as before and he merely blinks up at Soobin blankly.
“What?”
Soobin reaches out to steal one of Beomgyu’s chewy mints.
“Kai? The one you crashed with when your flight was cancelled.”
“Right. Kai. Yeah, he was cool, real nice and stuff.”
“Mhmm, he’s a nice guy.”
Beomgyu leans back on his chair, eyeing Soobin.
“You say it like he isn’t your friend.”
The other man shrugs, chewing obnoxiously with his mouth open.
“We drifted apart after he broke up with one of the guys in our friend circle. And Kai well… He’s someone who doesn’t approach anyone first. We don’t know if he’s still uncomfortable with us after the whole thing. Especially when his ex is now seeing another one of our friends.”
“He’s doing well,” Beomgyu replies instead, an odd sense of protectiveness bubbling in his chest. “I mean like. He seems to be doing fine.”
Soobin’s expression shifts to one of amusement and Beomgyu feels the onset of an itch to ask him for Kai’s contact number. It’s far from logical, especially when he’s more than a thousand kilometers away. Swallowing down the ridiculous thought, he pretends to refocus on his monitor.
“He did ask about you though, that’s why I was reminded I never checked in with you.”
It’s a bit of a struggle for Beomgyu to keep any hint of surprise from marring his neutral expression but he manages.
“Oh, what did he ask?”
“Just if you made it back safe. I told him he was two weeks late.” Soobin barks out a laugh, not showing any signs of leaving. Beomgyu needs him to. Just so he can finally focus on something else. Something like the stack of business proposals he needs to work on.
“You’re two weeks late too,” he deadpans and Soobin puts both his hands up.
“I’m just surprised you didn’t exchange contacts.”
“I was there for a few hours, Soobin.”
“Fair enough.” Soobin doesn’t press on, leaving him to his own devices and Beomgyu wishes his heart didn’t thud a little heavier than usual for the remainder of the day.
-
Hope is a weird thing. Sometimes dancing in the realm of wishing for a possibility and praying for divine intervention to give way to some sort of miracle.
Beomgyu’s far from a romantic person. Far from a dreamer, of all things, so despite his heart jumping petulantly when he’s sent on another week-long business trip in Taipei to meet the same client for a project update and do some stupid liaising shit with the rest of the stakeholders, he forces himself not to hope.
He doesn’t have Kai’s contact anyway, and the man’s address stuffed somewhere in the pits of his Uber history and somewhere in Soobin’s chat is anything but useful. Imagine going up to the apartment of some stranger you crashed with over a month ago. Borderline creepy. Couldn’t be Beomgyu.
So he flits through most of the trip while trying to resist that strange desire to find Kai, who he knows is literally somewhere in the same city.
If Beomgyu’s studying the spectrum closely, meeting Kai in such a huge city lies closer to the end of a miracle requiring some kind of divine intervention. Perhaps his subconscious mind is some sort of devout praying machine, because he’s positive that the voice he hears the moment he steps into a convenience store is a figment of his imagination.
He’d just had a long day of meetings, and might be potentially facing the effects of hunger and thirst, so the hallucination theory doesn’t seem too far off.
But then he hears it again. This time, louder and closer. It’s unmistakable.
“Beomgyu?”
He spins around on autopilot, bewildered. The expression on his own face must be stupid – probably some degree of gobsmacked. At least it matches the same look on his new company’s face.
“Wait. Kai?”
Jesus fuck. How funny. How funny if this is real. How funny he’s accidentally bumping into Kai in this huge city without even meaning to. How funny he’s once again headed off back to Seoul in exactly 14 hours.
The other man’s look of surprise gives way to a bright grin, beaming like he can’t control his excitement on seeing Beomgyu.
Beomgyu’s the stupid one who can’t control himself from responding in kind with a smile of his own, momentary giddiness hitting him in full force with how Kai’d petulantly lingered in the depths of his mind the past month. And then embarrassment’s sending the blood rushing to his cheeks when he realizes all the vulnerable crap he’d poured into the other man back then, under the assumption that they weren’t going to meet again.
“Gosh, I didn’t expect to see you again,” he laughs and Beomgyu finally takes in the fact that Kai’s dressed much differently from the first time they met, sleeves of his lilac dress shirt rolled up and leaving his wristwatch in full view.
Coupled with the form-hugging dress pants, the entire get-up was giving Beomgyu an even better view of his built frame.
He swallows hard.
“Yeah. What a– What a coincidence.” Blinking rapidly as embarrassment hits him tenfold, he rushes to grab the forgotten bottle of water, willing the red hues adorning his own cheeks away.
And then he’s straightening back up quickly to face Kai, whose smile is faltering slightly.
“I’m sorry you just–”
Honesty hour.
“You just look uh… Different,” he settles, wincing at his own humiliating panic. Sacrifices were made, but all for a good cause, because Kai turns bashful after a brief second of confusion, scratching his nape again. The dumb smile he can’t keep off his face sparks a little pride in Beomgyu’s chest.
“Yeah I just got off work. I teach Korean at a language school nearby. I realize I hadn’t told you,” he elaborates. “I had no idea you were here in Taipei.”
Well of course he didn’t. But Beomgyu leaves his snarkiness for another day, settling for nervous laughter.
“Same ol’ work. It’s my last night here actually.”
Kai doesn’t bother hiding the disappointment on his face and that alone jumpstarts Beomgyu’s heart into a frenzy.
“Right. You’re done with work?”
Beomgyu nods, reaching out for one of the microwaveable food packs, only to get stopped by Kai’s hand on his, gently pressing down.
He turns back, puzzled, only to find himself way closer to Kai than he expects, their faces barely inches apart with how the other man’s hunched over to stop him from taking whatever the hell he’d been reaching for.
It’s funny how bold Kai gets for one second, and then turns comically panicky the next, because he jolts back instantly, looking horrified by his own actions.
“I’m sorry– I meant to. I meant to ask if you wanted to get dinner outside instead. Yeah.”
He stuffs his hands into his pockets, endearingly awkward, and Beomgyu giggles incredulously at that entire display of pure panic.
“You don’t have to though! I was just thinking, if your schedule is already free, we could get something else if you hadn’t had the chance to… I dunno, visit one of the popular night markets or something.”
Beomgyu’s heard of those, but he hasn’t exactly had much time to go anywhere apart from convenience stores and that one cafe just outside his hotel.
“Uhm. Dressed like this?” he points at his own suit jacket.
“No one said there’s a dress code for having dinner.”
-
Beomgyu ends up shedding his suit jacket, completely necessary because the night market turns out a lot more packed than he expects and at a certain point, even the chilly winds can’t rival the sweltering heat emanating from the rows of food stalls and throngs of people.
But it’s hardly anything to complain about when Kai gets him a ridiculous range of street bites.
He does feel a little like a kid, because he’s completely focused on nibbling on this heavenly chunk of fried chicken, momentarily unaware of his own surroundings till he’s jostled roughly on his side.
Looking up, he realizes he’s lost sight of Kai in the crowd.
He’s definitely not a kid, and he can most certainly Google map his way out of the place. But a few frantic thoughts plague his addled brain when he realizes he doesn’t have Kai’s number. Which means they’re basically lost to each other from now on. God, he’d be such a dick if he went back to his hotel while Kai continued searching for him.
And how crazy would it be to call Soobin at this hour and ask him, “look I know I’m on a business trip but I ended up meeting your friend and he brought me to the night market, and then boom! I lost him, and yes we still didn’t exchange numbers but—”
“Beomgyu!” A warm hand on his shoulder tears him out of his spiral and he spins around, cursing audibly.
“Fuck fuck I’m sorry I lost you and I was panicking,” he mumbles as Kai pulls them to the side where there are fewer people.
Kai laughs a tad too fondly; it makes Beomgyu feel better instantly, almost as if he hadn’t just been spiraling a moment ago.
“You were walking so fast, I couldn’t catch up with so many people between us.”
It’d be a great time, an excellent time even, for Beomgyu to get his number, and he wonders if that begets the prospect of them continuing anything after they parted yet again today.
Beomgyu doesn’t do that.
“I’m sorry, was way too focused on the chicken." He nibbles on it once again, relishing the crunch. He hadn’t realized how hungry he had been.”
“That’s okay, I got worried when you disappeared into the crowd. Do you still wanna continue walking? There’s like… candied strawberries at the end of the street.”
Beomgyu must have visibly perked up upon hearing that – dozens of tanghulu ASMR videos he watched years ago suddenly resurfacing in his head – because Kai giggles easily, nodding as he turns to head back out into the sea of people.
“Hey, stand closer,” Beomgyu mutters before the other man can lead them back down the street. Turning around, Kai stares at him, contemplative.
“I have a better idea.”
He reaches out to pull Beomgyu’s discarded suit jacket from him before reaching out with his free hand.
It takes an embarrassingly long moment for the implication to sink in and before Kai can second-guess his suggestion, Beomgyu grabs the offered hand.
They don’t go as far as intertwining their fingers, but the warm touch alone sends Beomgyu’s heart into overdrive and he tries his very best not to overthink the way a pretty smile blooms across Kai’s features.
Beomgyu can barely focus on his chicken anymore as they meander down the street; can barely even focus on all the bright lights and neon signs littered along the way.
All he can focus on is fighting the itch to tangle their fingers together, trying to swallow down his desire and stop himself from further overthinking the way Kai doesn’t let go of his hand even when they’re out of the crowd.
Disappointment floods his veins when they finally separate so Beomgyu can free his hand for tanghulu. He wonders if all that sugar is worth letting go of the warm touch he never realized he’d been craving.
He lets the layer of sugary syrup shatter under his teeth, lets it glue itself to every nook and cranny of his mouth.
Lets himself chase that momentary sugar rush.
-
“I actually have to thank you.”
Kai’s soft voice doesn’t go unheard in the quiet night and Beomgyu perks up, both hands now folded so he can bury them under his suit jacket.
There’s an air of reluctance that lingers between them, maybe a layer of tension neither of them acknowledges. Beomgyu can feel the clock ticking, can feel the seconds slip by as they stroll down the pavement in the direction of his hotel, now standing ominously in view. He shakes his head, pivoting his attention towards the other man’s words.
“For?”
“That night when you stayed over, I felt… I felt free after talking to you. Like I had so much bottled up with no one to talk to and it just felt so easy talking to you. Just felt so much easier to breathe after.”
Beomgyu can’t deny it felt the same. Perhaps this was what this was – two lost people finding some sort of anchor and comfort in one another.
“Could say the same for you. You’re a good listener.”
It’s more than that – more than Kai being a good listener. But he doesn’t say it. He doesn’t think he should.
“I was hoping to see you again,” Beomgyu blurts before he can think it through. “It was a silly thought and I was sure I was dreaming when I bumped into you earlier.”
He chances a glance to his side, heart nearly stopping when he finds the other man staring back at him, expression unreadable.
It’s clear as day that both of them are painfully afraid. Maybe of commitment, specifically of committing to whatever they think is going on between them while knowing they’d have to part in a couple of minutes.
They stop, in nearly humorous timing as they reach the foot of Beomgyu’s hotel.
“Me too,” the other man breathes, hardly audible with how small his voice is and how hard Beomgyu’s heart is thundering. But that’s all he offers and Beomgyu can only force a smile.
“Well it seems we’re here,” Kai mutters, mirroring his smile. Stiff and restrained. “Thanks for agreeing to spend the evening with me, I hope you had fun.”
Quiet melancholy fills the air between them, the temperature cranking up despite the chilly winds.
“Thank you for taking me around, I enjoyed it all.”
Beomgyu would kill to say something more, every nerve aflame with an unbridled urgency.
It’s getting harder for him to hold back.
“Bye Beomgyu,” Kai says finally, graciously giving him an out. "Have a safe flight tomorrow."
“Goodbye Kai.”
He offers one last nod before turning around and heading towards the hotel lobby.
The yellowish interior of the hotel lobby feels suffocating despite how large the area really is. It’s sparse, reminiscent of his own home back in Seoul. Empty, lonely, clinical.
It’s stupid for Beomgyu to want more when they’ll probably never meet again. When he has no idea whether Kai feels the same attraction towards him, even if Beomgyu can’t definitely place a finger on what this ghost of a connection they have is.
It’s stupid.
Absolutely fucking stupid for Beomgyu to change his mind when he’s already waiting for the lift.
Absolutely fucking stupid for Beomgyu to turn back around and sprint through the lobby like an absolute madman, not knowing whether Kai’s even still there.
But he has his answer when he finds Kai still stuck rooted exactly where Beomgyu left him nearly five whole minutes ago, his expression morphing into genuine astonishment when he spots the flustered man.
Beomgyu does the most stupid thing he’s done that night, sprinting forward before reaching out to tug Kai down by the nape, their faces inches apart.
He has enough rationality to pause and allow Kai a chance to push him away. But his heart soars infinitely when the other man simply presses his eyes shut, wrapping his arms around Beomgyu’s waist to pull him closer, closing the distance without an ounce of hesitation.
It’s nothing crazy, just a brush of lips against his, innocent yet dripping with enough desire for Beomgyu’s heart to pound ridiculously in his ribcage.
Enough for his breath to hitch. Enough for Beomgyu to feel overwhelmed by a flurry of emotions, a surge of desire, and infinite,infinite, infinite amounts of impulse when they finally pull apart.
Kai’s lips are parted, panting softly even though all they did was exchange a chaste kiss. Almost as if he’s as surprised with his own actions as Beomgyu is.
Beomgyu lets the last rush of adrenaline surge through his veins and seize him whole.
“Can I have your number?”
-
They’re not anything.
Regardless of how brazen and tense their last exchange went, they’re not anything. Text buddies perhaps? Friends?
They text, that’s for sure. Basic stuff about work rants, how their day went. Beomgyu feels silly, rushing out to the office balcony to snap pictures of the sunset between hours of overtime, just so he can send them to the other man.
But he feels even sillier with how excited he gets when Kai responds with snapshots of his own daily.
Feels the silliest with how his heart races like a teenager in love when he receives a selfie from the other man when he’s fresh out of the shower.
Love is a bit of a scary word though. Something Beomgyu isn’t yet sure of when they’re still skirting around the topic of having anything more definite or longlasting.
Despite the giddiness, Beomgyu feels their insurmountable distance impeding any sort of real feelings from blooming. Uncertainty looms over them, but he refuses to let that get in the way of what they have now.
What they have now is good. Maybe this was what it was meant to be – just two people finding comfort in each other.
It works for a while till the worry eats Beomgyu up a little more than he expects. Maybe it’d been bubbling just below his epidermis, insidious but fatal, seizing him whole when he least expects.
Ironically, it happens on a night when Beomgyu has had a particularly hard day at work, exhaustion seeping into his bones and his confidence at an all-time low when he finally reaches home.
He flits through everything numbly, barely registering the iciness of the shower, the emptiness in his stomach, the ringing in his ears. And when he’s finally wrapped up in the sheets, fabric momentarily abrasive against his skin, he crumbles.
He feels weak, small, useless, and dark thoughts choose to pervade his brain at that very moment.
For a moment, he considers calling Kai, just for an ounce of comfort. Just to hear his voice.
But he knows he’ll break the moment he does.
He’ll break because he’ll be reminded of that growing desire to be loved, to have someone to share his joy, his sorrow, and his stress without judgement.
He’ll break because he’ll be reminded that despite how much he wants Kai to be that very person, that might not be the case – not when they aren’t anything, and especially not when they’ve skirted around the topic of commitment consistently.
It’ll be fine. He’d always been alone, and this was no different.
Beomgyu presses his eyes shut, letting the silence drown him whole.
-
“We’re arranging for someone to go down to Taipei to close Shuhua’s project.”
Soobin’s voice tears him out of his staring contest with the blinking cursor on his report. It sounds oddly teasing and Beomgyu leans back in his chair, staring up at his supervisor, eyes narrowing immediately.
“Why do you have that shit-eating grin on your face?”
“I put your name up for it.”
Beomgyu can’t help the stupid skip of his heartbeat. It was almost like an open invitation for him to visit Kai. He schools his expression into a confused one.
“Okay…? But it’s Shuhua’s project? I’ve already closed mine.”
Soobin doesn’t respond, grin on his face only widening. Beomgyu wants to punch him square in the jaw.
“What the hell are you up to?”
“Hey hey, if you offend me, it’ll blow your chance.” Beomgyu isn’t stupid, somehow, even with him not making a single peep, it seems as if Soobin already knows he’s got something going on with Kai.
“I mean, may I ask what the hell you’re up to, Soobin-nim?”
Soobin barks out a laugh like the stupid asshole he is.
“You like Kai.”
Beomgyu feels like he’s been doused with a bucket of ice water, shocking his every nerve. He’d expected a multitude of innuendos or teasing words, not something plain and simple. So plain and simple he feels like he’s been stripped bare for the world to see.
He’s not ready for that accusation.
“Where did you get that from?”
It’s taking every fiber of his being not to say something stupid or throw a tantrum.
“C’mon, ever since you came back from Taipei the last time, you’ve been staring at your phone and smiling like an idiot.”
Defensiveness bubbles in his chest. “I could be smiling at literally anyone’s texts. Or like memes. Have you heard of those?”
“How coincidental that Kai posted a picture of a rainbow in the sky the exact day you returned? He hasn’t updated his account in two years. Not even a story update,” Soobin continues anyway, oblivious to the fact that Beomgyu can barely stop his hands from shaking.
Frankly, Beomgyu doesn’t follow Kai’s Instagram, so this is a little bit of a new discovery to him, and he wishes he doesn’t feel as hopeful as he does right now.
And the loser standing beside him takes his flabbergasted silence as a sign of admission, breaking into guffaws.
“Shut up,” he barely manages, hyperaware of the heat rushing to his ears.
“This business trip will only be a couple of meetings at the project site, and I’m just saying, if I push for it, I can get them to let you stay two more days for the weekend till you fly back on Sunday…” he trails off, expertly dodging the eraser flung in his direction.
-
Soobin’s devious plan works and Beomgyu gets his business trip confirmed in the span of two days.
The text message to Kai sits unsent in his drafts and he can’t help but wonder if it’d be right to let himself fall even deeper, not knowing whether the other man even feels the same.
The prospect of chasing someone who’s barely in reach is scary. He’s never been in a proper relationship before, much less a long-distance one, and with how Kai left the country because of a break up, there’s still the question of whether he’s even ready to move on, even if he seems to be willingly wanting to spend time with Beomgyu.
He’s always been a bit of an overthinker when it came to Kai and mustering every single ounce of bravado, he taps the call button impulsively before proceeding to panic completely.
He hadn’t planned for this at all.
But Kai picks up within two rings and his heart flips crazily.
“Beomgyu?”
Horror floods his veins. They’d only spoken on the phone a few times, and he hadn’t expected Kai to even pick up so quickly.
Laughing nervously, he struggles to think of something to say, the prospect of his proposition being rejected suddenly looming over him.
“Haha uh, hello.” He sounds terribly stupid even to himself.
“Yeah, what’s up?” The line crackles and Beomgyu thinks if he closes his eyes, he can pretend Kai’s smiling at the sound of his voice.
He keeps his eyes wide open, worrying his lip instead.
“You picked up fast,” he says instead, absentmindedly trying to stall.
“Of course I did.” There’s an unmistakable surety and sincerity in his words and Beomgyu has no idea what to make of it, only humming in response.
“Is something wrong?”
Beomgyu doesn’t know what to say, letting the static on the line fill the silence. Maybe Kai will end up hanging up and he can chalk it up to poor reception. But he doesn’t, electing to simply wait patiently till Beomgyu’s ready.
“You know what I did today? I missed the bus on the way back and the next one was only arriving in 30 minutes so I ended up wandering into one of those streetside claw machine shops.”
It’s insane how Kai automatically knows what Beomgyu needs without him saying a thing. It’s even more insane when he considers how they’d only properly met twice.
“Those machines are scams.”
“I know,” Kai whines and Beomgyu can almost hear his pout through the call, bringing a smile to his own face. “But there was this fluffy brown bear that really reminded me of you.”
“Why would a bear remind you of me?”
“I dunno, you’re kinda fluffy, cute, like a human-bear plushie.”
“That sounds terrifying.”
“Aw, indulge me a little.”
He lets out a soft laugh, lying flat on his back, phone still by his ear. “Okay, so did you catch it?”
“I spent like… Twenty tries on that thing. Till I hit its quota thing and they unlocked the cheating mechanism so I could finally get the bear.”
“How does that even work?!”
“Scam machines, told’ya. I was going to send you a pic and pretend like I got it in one try, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag.”
There’s a soft moment of silence when Beomgyu’s giggles fade and he feels immensely relaxed. Relaxed enough to pause his overthinking.
“I’m heading to Taipei again for work in two weeks.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Yes I am.”
He doesn’t say anything further, every single insecurity and undefined uncertainty about their relationship choking him up.
“That… That makes me really happy, but I can’t help but feel you don’t sound happy about it.” Kai’s voice is soft and unsure, and Beomgyu belatedly realizes that the other man had his own set of worries he never voiced.
Maybe while they found understanding and comfort in each other, their similarities were also the exact same thing standing between them petulantly.
“Hey, that’s not it at all. I’m just– I wasn’t sure if this would be pushing it, or if it made you uncomfortable, but I was wondering if…” Fear of rejection floods his chest and he trails off.
“My door is always open for you,” Kai cuts in quickly. No hesitation at all. “I mean, if you– if you want, I’d love for you to stay at my place while you’re here.”
Confidence blooms in his chest, escalating into the erratic pounding of his heart against his ribcage.
“Yeah,” he exhales, finally able to breathe more easily.
“Yeah, I’d love to.”
-
If Beomgyu wasn’t sure about his overthinking problem, the worry hitting him full force in the plane sure does.
It’s but a two-and-a-half hour flight, but he feels like he’s about to pass out with the way his heart is palpitating unsteadily. He had informed Kai he’d be landing past midnight and the other man had promised to stay up so he wouldn’t be locked out. Frankly, Beomgyu’s glad that he has a little more time to calm his nerves down.
Nothing had been explicitly even mentioned, but for Beomgyu, this felt like a huge step in their barely budding relationship. Especially with how he pretty much asked Kai to take him around for the weekend after his work was done.
If he’s being honest, Soobin really pulled lots of strings for this one – the business meeting was but a brief one to sign a couple of closure forms and take a couple of photos of the project site for the company. And Soobin hadn’t even been subtle in requesting for the return flight to be booked two days late.
God. Was his supervisor really being his wingman right now?
More importantly, the entire thing’s nerve-wracking. He has no idea if Kai’s agreeing to spend time with him out of courtesy, or if he even feels the same attraction towards Beomgyu. Worse – what if their extended time together proves that they have nothing in common at all?
Bouncing on the balls of his feet through the entire flight and subsequently through the entire immigration process, he humorlessly thinks he looks like he needs to piss badly. In reality, he’s just devastatingly nervous to meet the person he’s recently realized he’s stupidly fallen for.
Thank fuck Kai isn’t around to witness his breakdown.
Grabbing his suitcase from the conveyor belt, he heads towards the arrival gates, whipping out his phone to inform Kai he’s just landed.
That turns out to be a bad idea because he nearly crashes into someone with all his concentration on his phone.
And this someone reaches out to plant their hands on Beomgyu’s shoulders before any collision can happen.
Completely startled, Beomgyu looks up sharply.
He freezes.
The din around him fades to a blur, tinkling laughter that resounds suddenly all he can hear.
“Boo.”
“Huh?” his voice cracks from the lack of use and he belatedly registers how embarrassing he’d just behaved.
“Huh?” Kai parrots, clearly entertained by the gobsmacked response to his sudden appearance.
Kai.
Kai who’d magically materialized in front of him when he was supposed to be home waiting for Beomgyu to make his way to his apartment.
“What are you– Huh?”
“I had no idea why you expected me to just sit around at home and wait for you to make your way there so late at night. I just played along so I could surprise you,” Kai laughs, though he falters, visibly growing unsure. “Or was it rude of me not to tell you? I’m sorry, I should have thought this through.”
“No I–” Beomgyu’s still rendered tongue-tied and he gives up, abandoning his suitcase to express his thoughts in the only way he can muster at this point. He lunges forward, wrapping his arms around the other man, inhaling deeply.
Maybe it’s a little too much skinship, but he can hardly resist temptation when Kai’s right in front of him after so long.
He’s reassured instantly when Kai circles his own arms around his frame, one hand ruffling his hair gently.
“I missed you.” he mumbles dumbly when they part. Kai’s hugs were something else. Always so warm, so sturdy, so addicting they made him woozy enough to spew the first thing that came to his mind.
“A man of few words we have here,” Kai teases, grabbing his suitcase for him and slipping his hand into Beomgyu’s easily.
Smooth motherfucker.
“I missed you too.”
There’s way too much affection and certainty than Beomgyu expects and he wonders, genuinely this time, just what the hell they are.
He swallows the question down, entangling their fingers properly.
If Kai can quite literally feel Beomgyu’s pulse racing unhealthily, he doesn’t say a thing.
-
Maybe Beomgyu’s still a little too thrown off because it takes an entire car ride before he notices something glaring he’d been too in his head to take note of.
By now, they’ve already arrived, Kai silently helping him bring his suitcase up.
“Hey– I’m sorry, you came from work?”
Kai turns back, surprised before he shrinks into his trademark reserved demeanor again, scratching his neck.
“Yeah, I had a class that overran and I was afraid I’d miss you if I went home to get changed.”
Averting Beomgyu’s gaze to busy himself with opening the door, Kai’s reddening ears are unmistakable.
Blood rushes to his head, and the moment Kai closes the door behind him, Beomgyu crowds him against the wall, tension spiking between them.
He barely restrains himself from doing anything he will regret, letting his forehead fall against the other man’s shoulder instead.
Kai stiffens briefly before his hands find Beomgyu’s hair. He lets out a soft huff of laughter, threading his fingers through the strands.
Okay, maybe Beomgyu basically blue-balled himself, but he doesn’t want to rush things, not with someone so precious – especially not when he doesn’t even know if they want the same thing.
“What’s gotten into you?”
“You’re too good to me,” Beomgyu mumbles mindlessly.
You’re too good to someone who’s greedy for more, who will never be satisfied.
He forces the words down.
“Hm? Who else do you want me to be good to?”
The response takes him aback and he’s thankful Kai can’t see that silly expression probably slapped across his face now.
“Let’s get you washed up alright? You have work tomorrow.”
His heart aches petulantly when Kai pushes him off to set his luggage aside.
It hurts more than when they were practically strangers.
-
Beomgyu might have a lot on his mind, but he figures that out of all the things he’d worried about before arriving here, his stress over whether their extended time together would be awkward is proven unnecessary. Because for some reason, when it comes to Kai, there is nothing awkward, whether it's conversation or silence.
Perhaps it’d been because of how honest they’d been together from the start, perhaps they’d already traversed a different depth in their relationship from then on.
Because Beomgyu feels incredibly at ease as he lies against Kai’s chest in his bed, a snug fit but nothing uncomfortable. Drawing circles along the planes of Kai’s arm, Beomgyu feels Kai’s steady heartbeat ground him slowly, even as he’s been consumed by a whirlwind of emotions all day. Or perhaps, for the past few weeks leading up to this trip.
“Something happened weeks ago,” he mutters mindlessly, voice jarring in the silence.
Kai keeps his hand around Beomgyu’s torso, rubbing tiny circles on his spine.
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
It feels stupid when he thinks about it, but in the short time they’ve known each other, Beomgyu feels confident enough that Kai wouldn’t make fun of him.
“I had a really… horrible day at work. Like everything was… extraordinary bad. Or maybe it’d just been immense amounts of pressure amounting to one insane breakdown.”
Kai doesn’t interrupt him, merely wraps his other arm around Beomgyu’s waist, in silent assurance that he isn’t alone.
It helps. More than he thought it ever could.
“For a moment, I really wanted to call you. Really wanted to hear your voice.”
He buries his face against the other man’s chest, pressing his eyes shut.
“Why didn’t you?” Nothing more than a whisper, and yet the doubt lacing Kai’s cadence is stark.
Beomgyu thinks about his next words very carefully, momentarily afraid of laying himself bare with the prospect of being rejected.
“I’ve been used to dealing with everything alone. I was afraid of becoming reliant on you.”
“That’s okay,” Kai whispers back. “It’s about trust too. I want to be there for you but it takes time to build that sort of trust. And telling me about it is already a step forward, I think. So thank you for being honest with me.”
Beomgyu can’t help but tighten his hold on the other man, letting silence fill the room once again.
Trust.
What trust was he referring to? Trust that Kai will always be there?
Would he really?
This time, the silence is deafening.
-
For all the sheer number of times Kai’s surprised him last night, Beomgyu thinks the other man’s already done way more than his heart can handle.
But he thinks Kai picking him up from his last meeting might be the last straw, because confusion is all that floods him when he gets a text for him to stay where he is.
Before he can type a reply, the explanation comes in the form of Kai waving at him to catch his attention. This was not in the plan. He’d expected to have to find his way around alone for the evening while waiting for Kai to get off work later at night.
And yet here the man is, in the flesh.
“For the second time, Kai,” he mutters in disbelief the moment Kai jogs up to him. “What are you doing here?”
Kai rubs his nape awkwardly. “Too clingy?”
Hardly. But it doesn’t do anything to quell Beomgyu’s disbelief and he merely shakes his head.
“I just– You’re only here for another two days, I just didn’t want to lose any time at all so I took half the day off to pick you up.”
It’s all too much. All too fucking much, and there Kai stands, bashful as he asks to spend more time with Beomgyu.
Bashful and innocent as if he has no idea what each of his actions does to Beomgyu.
Something in Beomgyu’s chest snaps and he feels his own expression shift when his fingers find Kai’s wrist, his intentions probably clear even without a single word.
It’s proven when Kai’s own eyes cloud with something dark, something needy, something that mirrors the wild and rampant flame in Beomgyu’s chest.
“I want to go back.” He swallows dryly, gaze still trained on Kai.
“Back to your place.”
-
Beomgyu’s hardly new to intimacy, but whatever he has with Kai is dangerously addictive.
There’s an unspeakable urgency that falls over them heavily like a weighted blanket and Beomgyu’s breath hitches when Kai pushes him down onto his mattress.
Not simply because of the mere action, but more so because of the sinking realization that Kai wants this – wants him – as much as he does. And each pant and moan that escapes Kai’s lips when he mouths at his neck is a telltale sign of this.
It sends Beomgyu burning, sets every nerve of his on fire and leaves his toes curling.
Perhaps in a grander scheme of things, they’re rushing, but it feels like every second they’re together runs faster than ever. Almost as if every second that passes only leaves Beomgyu hungrier and hungrier for more.
He needs and he wants, and in his desperation, Beomgyu yanks the other man’s head down, licking into his mouth hungrily.
For the millionth time since they met, Kai reads him like a book — knows exactly what he’s hungry for and delivers it tenfold with each burning touch on his skin, each eager moan of Beomgyu’s name that escapes his lips, each indent of his nails on skin as he meets each buck of Beomgyu's hips with a needy fervor.
Everything burns and Beomgyu wishes the marks Kai leave on him never fade.
Everything burns and he’s almost afraid he’s let that flame in his chest engulf him whole.
Under Kai’s grasp, Beomgyu lets himself go, floating freely as he rides his cloudy high and gives in to the onslaught of pleasure. He wants to do this forever; wants to bask in the addictive gratification from having all of the other man’s attention.
In this haze of indulgent pleasure, whether Kai loves him the same way isn’t important.
What’s important is that at this very moment, Kai wants him.
And Beomgyu will take everything he can get.
-
Beomgyu wakes up with a start, post-sex clarity hitting him in full force the moment he registers Kai’s bare body pressed against his, his chest heaving with each breath as he lies in slumber.
They’ve crossed a line.
In all his needy haze, he’d crossed a line without even knowing whether Kai liked him enough to commit to him. It isn’t as if Beomgyu’s new to flings, but with this man, everything is different. He’s greedy for assurance, greedy for Kai. Yet in this very moment, even with the man he’s grown to love right beside him, he feels immeasurably alone.
It sinks in how Beomgyu’d always been the one to ask for something more longlasting from Kai – the first to ask for his number, the first to ask to stay over, the first to even initiate any sort of intimacy.
Fear and insecurity seize him ice cold, leaving him void of any semblance of rationality when he realizes the possibility that he’d been stringing Kai along.
Kai who had mentioned how lonely he was.
Maybe lonely enough that anyone would do.
Shaking with the weight of his messy thoughts, Beomgyu slips off the bed as quietly as he can, putting his discarded clothes back on with trembling hands.
Kai had broken through his painful routine of having to deal with stress and pressure all day, offering a semblance of solace and comfort.
It should have stayed that way.
Beomgyu should never have let himself yearn for anything more.
And now he lets the weight of his insecurities send him into a frenzy, ringing in his head so incessant and shrill he barely registers a muffled voice.
It's far away, so far away, and he's also that far from being in control of his own rationality, he shuts it all out in favor of struggling with his buttons.
But his hands. His fucking hands. They just won'tfuckingstopshaking.
Everything is blurry, dark, and panic floods him again when he registers a warm pair of hands envelop his own, supporting him when his knees buckle so he narrowly escapes faceplanting the cold tiles.
He grunts, whines, tries to rip his hands away, but the grip stays resolutely firm till he's hyperaware of the way he's sobbing, bottled up emotions crashing all at once with each unbridled cry that leaves his throat hoarse.
Maybe he falls forward, maybe his knees buckle with how hard he's shaking but when he lets his forehead land on Kai's shoulder with a thump, there's a semblance of relief that seeps into his bones instead.
Like he had needed to cry so badly for a long time. To tell someone about all the insecurities plaguing him.
He's sinking, body, soul, and rationality, but maybe for once, with the warmth slowly enveloping him, he isn't afraid to let himself fall freely, cotton in his ears starting to melt away as Kai’s arms anchor him slowly but surely.
And when the ringing begins to fade, it’s finally replaced by a soft voice, a soft whisper that everything’s okay.
A kiss to the shell of his ear, fingers in his hair drawing gentle circles on his scalp.
He feels incredibly stupid, shame setting in when the jumbled haze in his brain clears enough for him to realize he’s just had a breakdown in front of Kai.
Squirming his way out proves futile because Kai’s grip remains gentle as ever, yet immeasurably firm.
“I’m not letting go.” It’s delicate, betraying a sort of fear that reminds Beomgyu of his own.
Beomgyu presses his eyes shut, pants slowly evening when he eventually gives up on thrashing around, leaning against the other man bonelessly instead. With an audible sigh of relief, Kai reaches around his waist to lift him up easily, setting him back on the bed.
Blinking wearily, he finally lets himself look at Kai who kneels in front of him, hands hesitantly enveloping Beomgyu’s own.
It’s worry, it’s confusion, but somewhere behind those furrowed eyebrows and searching eyes, Beomgyu finds a hint of trepidation that mirrors his own.
“Hey,” Kai whispers carefully, not daring to move any further. If Beomgyu stares hard enough, he thinks he can make out the innate fear of rejection dancing in the other man’s irises.
He sniffles, shaking his head.
“... It’s not you,” he manages out hoarsely.
“I don’t think it has nothing to do with me if you’re trying to run away in tears immediately after we sleep together.”
All he can do is shake his head again, not trusting his voice. Kai doesn’t prod, giving him his space, waiting patiently even as his gaze turns pleading.
“We don’t– We crossed a line.”
“Did you regret it?” Kai responds instantly.
“We don’t want the same thing, Kai.”
He’s greeted by a look of confusion, pure, genuine confusion as Kai visibly struggles to make sense of his words.
“I want you,” he says easily. As if it’s the simplest fact in the world.
“You don’t get it. I want more and more each damned second, I’m so fucking greedy, I want all of you and I’m fucking scared of being the one to grow reliant on you, just to realize that you don’t want me the same.”
“How the– How the hell would you think that way? Is this what you think this is? Just me taking you for a ride?”
“You don’t get what it means to fear. To fear rejection, to fear losing someone who sees you the way no one else does.”
Kai stares at him, unblinking, and for a moment Beomgyu considers the possibility that the other man is angry.
“I’m scared, Beomgyu. I’m so fucking scared. I was scared when I first started to catch feelings, I was scared you’d reject every single effort, I was scared that day when I walked you to the hotel, I was scared when you called me, telling me you were coming here and sounding like it was the most dreadful thing in the world.”
It isn’t anger. It’s desperation that Beomgyu finally recognizes.
“And when you explained yourself, I was terrified – fucking terrified when it sank in you wanted to spend time with me here, and when I woke up seeing you about to leave I just– I’m terrified but I just–”
He stares at Beomgyu, going silent for a brief moment, expression unreadable.
“We fight for the people we love.”
Beomgyu feels his sinuses sour, tears escaping the confines of his lashline.
“Commitment is a big thing. I didn’t know what we were either, I fear all the same. And I apologize for never making it clear that I want more too.” He brings Beomgyu’s knuckles to his lips, kissing them lightly. “I was afraid to disturb what we already had. Because I was crazy over someone I barely met in person more than twice.”
Sometimes Kai makes Beomgyu feel seen, heard, and understood. But this time, Beomgyu sees himself in Kai – not that they’re similar, but that their fear of loving and losing echo each other’s.
Head tipping forward as he presses Beomgyu’s hands against his forehead, he breathes heavily till Beomgyu can feel the involuntary tremors from Kai’s hand.
And when Kai speaks again, it’s wrecked, yet immeasurably resolute.
So resolute Beomgyu feels his entire world tilt on a different axis.
“I just can’t let you go without a fight. Not when I already found a home in you.”
-
The hardest part about being with Kai has always been separating, but as that very man presses a kiss to his forehead, it feels different.
It feels vastly different even though they’re literally standing right outside the departure gate like a bunch of lovesick losers. It feels different because there’d always been so much uncertainty everytime they bade each other goodbye, as if it would be their last greeting where a whole bunch of unknowns await them after.
“I hate that we’re only like… three hours of travel time apart and yet we can’t take the plane like it’s a bus.”
Kai stares at him blankly before barking out a fond laugh.
“It’s a 200,000 won bus.”
Slapping his arm weakly, Beomgyu finds himself already missing the other man’s touch, leaning in to nuzzle against his neck.
“Your flight’s leaving in 40 minutes, you’ve gotta go baby.”
“Don’t wanna.”
Kai wraps his arms around him, indulging him for a minute – hours too short – before he’s lifting him up and spinning him around dramatically.
Yelping, Beomgyu slaps his arm again the moment he’s let down.
“Jesus fuck, I’m not a toddler!”
“Still my baby no matter how grown-up you act,” Kai laughs, though his laughter dies quickly, replaced by a wistful smile.
“I’ll miss you,” he says before Beomgyu can tease him back.
His heart flips, stomach churning at the confession. Maybe this means more than an ‘I love you’, because it reminds Beomgyu that he’s wanted. And that there’s something Kai longs for – more time together with him.
His phone buzzes, the stupid timer going off before he can stall any longer.
Prying himself away reluctantly, Beomgyu takes three steps towards the gate, before he’s leaping back to press his lips against Kai’s.
The other man smiles softly, giving him another little kiss till they have to part again.
“Well, goodbye then,” he mutters, though he doesn’t feel any urge to bawl tearfully. Maybe it’s strange, but maybe it’s because their goodbye this time is different – even if they still can’t be sure when they’ll actually be able to meet again.
But it’s different.
“Goodbye, love,” Kai whispers, smile genuine despite the longing behind it.
It’s different because this time, their goodbye comes with something different.
It comes with a promise.