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It’s almost a ritual of some sort for Jeonghan to look for Seungkwan, well for a bunch of different reasons. 1) he misses him when he’s not around, 2) he and Seungkwan are basically responsible for each other since they live together, 3) he’s curious about Seungkwan’s whereabouts, and 4) he misses him.
It was almost lunchtime when he woke up from his slumber, feeling at ease since he didn’t have any schedules today besides their group dance practice at 7:00 pm. He checks his phone for any messages or notifications. He sends back an “I miss you too!” to their family group chat, and backreads Seungcheol and Mingyu’s story about a guy that caused a scene in the bar they were at last night.
He contemplates what to eat for a moment until he realizes that their apartment was far too quiet. Seungkwan’s not home. He remembers Seungkwan mentioning a morning schedule last night, but it was supposed to be done by now, he thinks.
He decides to send Seungkwan a text.
To: Seungkwanie <3
hey, are you done with your schedule?
when are u coming home?
Let’s eat!! im hungry :(
He goes to the kitchen to get some water as he waits for a reply.
From: Seungkwanie <3
im still at the shooting site :(
i don’t think I’ll be able to go home
I’ll just be heading straight to practice later!
see u!
Jeonghan can’t say he’s not disappointed, but he understands his Seungkwan is an in-demand and workaholic idol that has a lot of responsibilities.
Well, it can’t be helped. He opens his food delivery app to browse some food he maybe wants to eat.
He can’t wait until it’s 7:00 pm.
—
They’re currently having a meeting about their album promotions to decide on which variety shows and tv programs they would appear at. Seungkwan takes over when it comes to this talk, knowing about half of the PDs and writers in the entertainment industry. He suggests programs that the members would be comfortable appearing on.
Since they have members that are more on the reserved side than outgoing, he pairs them up with the talkative ones to balance it out.
All of the members trust him with the decision-making when it comes to this, especially Seungcheol. Seungkwan is basically their “variety show leader” because of how well he leads them when it comes to appearances like these.
They are all deep into their talk, but Jeonghan’s mind is somewhere else. Somewhere being the guy in front of him, all serious while spinning his pen.
He misses him. He misses Seungkwan so much.
They always see each other because they have practice every day, yes, but he’s barely home. Aside from his already packed schedule, Seungkwan also makes sure to catch up with his friends and colleagues.
It’s almost as if Jeonghan needs to set an appointment in order to spend time with him.
“Jeonghan hyung, are you okay with this?”
Too embarrassed to be caught spacing out, he just agrees. “Yeah–yeah, I’m okay with that.”
It’s only later in the evening when Seokmin approaches him, “Hyung! So what are you planning to cook for the program? I mean, no offense, but I don’t trust you’re cooking skills, hyung.” He just looks at Seokmin as if he has a visible question mark floating on top of his head.
“What do you mean? Why would I cook?”
“Hyung, you agreed to appear on a cooking show at the meeting earlier! Don’t tell me you were spacing out and just agreed with whatever Seungkwan was saying?” Seokmin was laughing as if it was a joke, but Jeonghan just looks at him because how did he accurately guess that?
Well, today serves as another life lesson for Jeonghan: Don’t space out when missing Seungkwan or you’ll end up guesting on a cooking show without you realizing.
—
Finally! A few days of vacation for them. They have a week to relax and enjoy their free time before their schedules become full once again. Jeonghan decides to go home to his family home tonight because he misses his parents and his sister. They have been sending him pictures of restaurants that they could visit once he finally has the time and now they can stop sending him cryptic messages that just imply that they miss him. Jeonghan sure is a child of his parents—it runs in their family to be clingy.
Jeonghan checks the time on his phone. 1:48 pm. Good. He still has time to eat lunch with Seungkwan.
He long-presses 4 on his dial pad to call Seungkwan. ( Yes, he has Seungkwan on his speed dial. What about it?)
It took about 5 rings before he hears Seungkwan’s voice on the other line. “Yes, hyung? Why?” Jeonghan can’t help but smile as he hears his voice. He can just imagine Seungkwan’s eyebrows raised a little and his head tilted to the side, like a curious puppy.
“Where are you? Let’s eat lunch together!” Jeonghan bites his bottom lip, waiting for a response on the other line. “Oh, hyung… I forgot to tell you…” There’s a hint of sadness and guilt in his voice. “I accepted a variety show offer. Jaejae noona said she needed my help and I agreed since we’re on vacation anyway. I’m in Jeju right now…”
Jeonghan can’t help but sigh. Seungkwan mutters another sorry, probably hearing him on the other line. “Well, that can’t be helped. Take good care of yourself okay? And say hello to Jaejae noona for me. Call me when you have time!” He hesitates a little as to what he’s about to say next. “... I miss you.” He managed to say as quietly as possible.
Seungkwan thankfully hears it and responds, “I know, hyung. I miss you too.”
—
It’s been weeks since they resumed on their busy lives as idols. Practice here, record there, meetings here, variety show schedules everywhere. Jeonghan only goes to their apartment to sleep, or shower, nothing else. He can’t remember the last time he opened the TV and sat on the sofa to watch his favorite show with Seungkwan.
Seungkwan.
He barely even has time to interact with Seungkwan, because if he’s busy, then Seungkwan’s busier.
The last time he woke up early enough to at least bid Seungkwan goodbye before he goes to another schedule was last Friday. It’s Friday again today, which would mean that it’s been a week. It may not seem like a long time for others, but Jeonghan’s been aching.
At practice earlier, Seungcheol and Jisoo noticed that he was not in his best condition and so they decided to talk to him.
“You seem not in your best shape lately, are you alright?” Seungcheol asked while patting his back . “Did you have a fight with Seungkwan? The last time you were like this was because you guys argued about something…” Jisoo patted his head, letting him know that they were all ears.
“Well… we didn’t fight or anything. I guess it’s better if we’re fighting, at least we’d have an interaction of some sort.” Jeonghan sighed as he buried his face in his hands.
“I just miss him. I miss him so much. I mean, we live in the same apartment but it seems like I’m living alone.” The two just nodded as if they understand. Jeonghan continued to whine about how Seungkwan always seems to find a reason not to stay home, not realizing the exchange of looks Seungcheol and Jisoo were sharing.
Jeonghan doesn’t know it yet, but he’s already in so deep. He’s in love.
—
Jeonghan wakes up one night, cold sweat forming on his forehead because he just had a bad dream. A really, really bad dream. He immediately goes straight to Seungkwan’s room, not even bothering to knock or announce his arrival, only to find his bed empty and cold. As if no one has laid on it yet.
He sits on the bed and grabs one of Seungkwan’s pillows. He was expecting to be greeted with the scent of Seungkwan’s shampoo. Fruity and floral. But instead, it smelled like nothing. It doesn’t smell like Seungkwan.
Fuck, it doesn’t smell like Seungkwan.
Jeonghan’s breath quickens, a lump forming in his throat. He tried to calm himself by looking around but the tears in his eyes are blocking his vision.
He goes back to his room to grab the sweater he likes to wear on nights when he misses him. It was Seungkwan’s sweater that he secretly stole from his closet.
He sniffs it hoping to find a trace of Seungkwan in it. Nothing. It just smells like himself.
He wipes his tears with the sleeve of his shirt as he finds his phone. He needs to call Seungkwan.
He long-presses 4 and waits for him to answer. He hears it ringing before it got cut. He tries calling once again.
*Sorry, the person you’re trying to reach is unavailable at the moment. Please try again later*
*Sorry, the person you’re trying to reach is unavailable at the moment. Please try again later*
*Sorry, the person you’re trying to reach is unavailable at the moment. Please try again la—*
Jeonghan just sobs. He needs to see Seungkwan. He needs to hear Seungkwan. He needs to hold Seungkwan.
Jeonghan continued to cry on his bedroom floor until he hears the lock to their apartment clicking.
Seungkwan.
Jeonghan stands and immediately runs to where Seungkwan would be.
“Hyung, I tried to answer your call but my phone died. I bought some beer— *oof* HYUNG!” Jeonghan just went straight to Seungkwan’s warmth. Pressing his face on Seungkwan’s neck. He relaxes a bit.
“Hyung? Jeonghan hyung? Are you crying? Why, why, why?” The sense of urgency in Seungkwan’s voice can be heard, but it still calms Jeonghan’s senses. He could be shouting or yelling profanities and it would still bring joy to Jeonghan’s being. He would still feel at ease. Because he feels like home .
His Seungkwan. His home.
"Hyung, why are you crying, hmm? Did you have a bad dream?" Jeonghan just nods, not trusting his voice at the moment.
He might blurt out words that he's not ready to say, that Seungkwan might not be ready to hear.
Seungkwan leads the two of them to the couch, Jeonghan still refusing to let go of him. He sits them down and tries to make Jeonghan face him. He can't really say no when he hears Seungkwan say please.
He tries sitting up straight, still avoiding Seungkwan's gaze. He felt soft hands gently holding his cheek, wiping his tears, and tucking his hair.
"What happened, hyung?" Seungkwan looks at him with so many emotions. His eyes tell him that he's worried, that he feels sad for him. But there is one emotion so obvious, he wonders if it took him too long to recognize. Seungkwan's gaze is soft and full of love.
Seungkwan loves him.
He sighs deeply, feeling all of his worries start to dissipate into thin air.
"I missed you so much, Seungkwan-ah." He reaches for his hand, just to feel him close. Just to remind himself that Seungkwan is here. He's home.
Seungkwan chuckles a little, his cheeks blooming a beautiful shade of pink. "You cried because you missed me? We're always together though?" Seungkwan asks with a hint of disbelief as if Jeonghan cannot miss him even though he's around.
"I always miss you, Seungkwan-ah. Even when we're together, I still miss you." I long for you. I ache for you.
Jeonghan chooses to not voice out the words he cannot say yet. Maybe someday. When they're both ready.
"I'm always here, hyung. Even when I'm not around, I'm always here. For you." Seungkwan offers him a smile so gentle and bright, Jeonghan can't help but wish that he could take a picture of it. Keep it forever.
"Come here, hyung. Give me a hug."
Jeonghan wraps his arms around Seungkwan's waist and lays his head on his chest. He can hear his heart beating. A steady rhythm.
"Seungkwan-ah. Let's sleep in your bedroom tonight." He's a little drowsy now that he's in Seungkwan's arms, bathing in his scent, hearing the lull of his heartbeat.
Seungkwan abandoned the cans of beer he bought on their coffee table. It can wait.
Seungkwan tucks him onto his bed before removing his jacket and his pants and joining him. Immediately seeking warmth in Jeonghan's embrace.
"Sleep, hyung. I'll still be here when you wake up."
Although three breaths away from falling asleep, Jeonghan still manages to bring his pinky finger up for Seungkwan to take, "Promise?" He hears him chuckle a little, "You're cute, hyung. I promise." He hooks his pinky finger with Jeonghan's and seals it with a kiss on his forehead.
"Goodnight, hyung."
"Goodnight, Seungkwan-ah."
And maybe Jeonghan realizes now, he is in so deep. He is in love.
Seungkwan deserves to know. Someday.