Chapter Text
Harlan was making his boyfriend push the limits of patience.
For several days he had been doing things that would drive Cyrus away from him. It was bearable for Cyrus not to answer his texts and calls, he was sympathetic to not even having a reason not to. They even made a reservation at the hotel a few weeks ago when they decided to go out of town together, and Cyrus was sympathetic when Harlan said he had no enthusiasm for that small-scale vacation. But the fact that Harlan had hidden from Cyrus what had hurt his arm was not something Cyrus could sympathize with.
Cyrus had called Luna earlier that morning because he couldn't reach Harlan and found out that Harlan had injured his arm as a result of a minor accident. He had left the house so quickly that even he himself would be surprised at that speed later. When he got to Harlan's house and saw that Everett, Blake, and Luna were still waiting anxiously for Harlan, he would think that it was no ordinary minor accidental injury to his arm. In particular, Cyrus thought that Harlan's arm was cracked or broken as a result of the accident he had imagined, or that he had just been hurt, but when he got there, he realized that the wound on his arm was not the kind of accident he had imagined. But he hadn't told them that. They had already made it clear from the whisperings between them that they didn't want Cyrus to know what the truth was. What mattered to Cyrus was whether Harlan was telling the truth or not. When he realized that his boyfriend was hiding the truth from him, and even more that he did not want him there… Cyrus realized that he had already exceeded the limit of putting up with this.
When Blake and Everett were convinced that Harlan was okay, Luna said it was something she had to do with her father and left the house, leaving the two alone. The two that started talking at that moment. They were quite calm at the beginning of the conversation, especially Cyrus.
"Do you want me to stay here today? I'll help you." Cyrus asked rather warmly.
"Help what?" Harlan responded with a sarcastic attitude. "No need. I know you still don't get along with Garrett."
"I have to put up with my boyfriend's father for a night, right?" Cyrus said as he was somewhat relieved to think that Harlan was taking into account his own feelings.
"I said I don't need help. I just need some rest."
"Okay." Cyrus did not want to prolong the conversation any further, he was already feeling offended.
Cyrus wanted to have a sensual contact with his boyfriend to ease the tension between them. Harlan pulled back instantly as he placed his hand on Harlan's unwrapped hand. "Now is not the time, Cyrus."
No matter how much Cyrus laughed, he no longer hesitated to show that he was offended. "What's not the time for, Harlan? I just want to touch your hand."
When Harlan laughed mockingly, Cyrus felt a twinge enter his stomach. "Just touching... I'm sure your goal is to seduce me into sleeping under me."
Cyrus's eyes widened in surprise as he restrained himself from reacting to a bad conclusion.
"Our relationship, is it such a relationship?" Cyrus responded with a manner that made it clear that he was completely serious.
"Every gay person's relationship is such a relationship." Harlan wasn't even looking at Cyrus when he said that.
Cyrus didn't know which was hurting him more, whether his boyfriend didn't care about his existence or his relationship... but the feeling that all this time had been wasted began to creep into his heart. Still, he tried to ignore it and tried to talk conciliatory things, but he didn't succeed.
The reason why the conversation suddenly turned into a discussion was not only because of Harlan's evasive answers to Cyrus' questions, but also because of his attitude. Cyrus felt more and more like a waste every second. And he had finally expressed what was on his mind.
“If you're going to keep ignoring me, tell me before you make me feel like I'm useless to shit.” If Cyrus hadn't seen the concern on Harlan's face after he said that, he would have thought that Harlan really didn't care about him, but he saw that concern.
"Stop talking about your bullshit, I'm not ignoring you. It's just-”
“Just what?" Although Harlan knew Cyrus was angry, who looked at his eyes filled with tears, did not think it could be so difficult to speak in this situation. Moreover, while he had promised himself to stay strong and tough, he should not have been able to do anything to show his weakness towards him.
“This thing… the boyfriend thing is getting too much for me, okay? From constantly doing everything with you, having to explain to you and… of you. I am tired of you." He had spoken so quickly that he had been able to hide all his feelings—weaknesses—so that Cyrus wouldn't suspect. But when he was finally able to look at his boyfriend's face, he knew he would never be able to open his mouth again. As he turned his face away from Cyrus again, he heard his voice that made it clear how hurt he was.
"You're tired... really?” Cyrus laughed hysterically. “I should have known. My fault.” Cyrus got up, looked at Harlan's body for the last time before leaving the house. ‘Did you choose the worst situation to break up?’ even though he wanted to say it, he didn't say it. “Don't worry, I won't tire you anymore.”
Harlan didn't realize that the tears that had accumulated in his eyes were wetting his face until he heard the sound of the door closing.
...
Several hours had passed by until the sound of the outer door sounded, and Harlan had hardly changed the position in which he was standing.
When he listened to the sounds of the shoes, he realized that it was only one person and guessed that Luna had come alone. It was also a lie that Luna went to meet Garrett. The accidental injury to Harlan's arm was also a lie. It was also a lie that Harlan was tired of Cyrus. When Harlan thought about this, he felt his red eyes fill with tears again. He didn't think he had the strength to stand it anymore.
Luna called to Harlan from the entrance of the room. "Did he go?"
Harlan nodded, not rising from the couch.
Luna couldn't see his face, but she knew his feelings. She had told him not to do that, but Harlan had decided it was the right solution. Knowing how much her brother had already cared for Cyrus, she was well aware of how difficult this situation was for him. How painful… she thought.
"Did you break up with him?" The real reason she asked this was because there was a possibility that Harlan would tell Cyrus the truth. Knowing how upset he was, her first thought was that he broke up with Cyrus, but when the twins spoke earlier, Luna had said that telling Cyrus everything was an option, but Harlan had said that the most he avoided doing was to tell him what really happened.
Harlan nodded again. And there was a sniffling sound. “I told him things he didn't deserve. Very bad things…” His voice was weak, hoarse, and offended. He pressed more of his face into the pillow, thinking about the way he'd treated her all week. It was cruel.
“Was it easier than telling him the truth?”
When Luna said that even though she knew it would hurt her brother more, she still wanted him to think he had a comeback. Luna was as sure of Cyrus's as Harlan's feelings for him, and she thought that if Harlan told Cyrus the real reason he said those words, they were pretty likely to be together again.
Although Harlan knew how much Cyrus loved him, he had the opposite thought with Luna. He slowly lifted his head from his pillow and spoke, looking into Luna's eyes.
"I'd rather he hate me every fucking single day than be afraid of me."
As if in self-defense, Luna responded with an expression similar to Harlan's expression, which was resentful yet determined. “You knew he loved you even if he was afraid of you, but now all he will feel for you is hatred.”
Harlan spoke with anger in his voice, as if he was projecting the anger at himself on Luna. In fact, the cause of his anger was his own weakness. “Do you really think he'll love me when he's afraid of me every single day I spend with him? Every day I would see that love slowly turn to hate, but now, in a few days like this way-"
Harlan was stunned as Luna suddenly interrupted Harlan's speech. “This way, this pain will last for a few days? Do you really believe this? Why don't you consider other possibilities? Why don't you think there's a chance that he'll accept you anyway?"
Harlan looked at Luna with an expression of anger and resentment, not needing to hide the tears that fell from his eyes. Neither Luna nor Cyrus was the cause of any of this confusion. It was just him. “Because he can accept my every condition as a human being. But I am not a goddamn human!” He finished with a shout that would consume all the breath in his lungs.
Harlan spoke in a voice far from his previous shout before laying himself down on the couch. "If you don't have better advice now, leave me alone."
...
"I knew it would be like this, it's all my fault." Cyrus had told himself this all the way home. Because it was anger that kept him strong—that allowed him to ignore the heartbreak he was experiencing in that moment. Anger at himself—his own stupidity. He knew that no one would show him unconditional love. But the moment he felt someone loved him, he saw himself in a position to do anything for him. That's why he thought he and Harlan looked alike. And maybe that's why he gave him all his love. He had acted so weakly towards him that he had made him break up, feeling like a loser.
But most of all, he was angry with the part of him who still thought he love him. He didn't think for nothing that all that had happened, the peace that Cyrus felt when he was with Harlan, was trivial and easily relinquished…he didn't want to think about it. Harlan's self-indulgent behavior had emerged within a week, and Cyrus secretly thought there was a reason. Many possibilities came to Cyrus's mind along the way, and at the end of it all he was saying to himself. “No one would have made him do it if Harlan hadn't wanted it that way.”
He was drowning. He felt that emotions and thoughts were clogging his throat and he was even having difficulty swallowing.
Cyrus hadn't realized that he had been walking outside for several hours before he got home. He wouldn't have been able to get rid of that feeling of suffocation if he hadn't wandered outside and tried to breathe some fresh air – and he didn't feel that he could. He just had to contain his anger a little bit before going home. Otherwise, he would be not only boyfriendless, but also homeless. Then it came to pass that his mother wouldn't want to kick him out of the house. That woman was using him, she couldn't just ask him to get the fuck out.
As soon as he opened the door with his keys and stepped inside, he felt himself suffocating again. He took a few slow steps inside and suddenly heard his mother's voice.
"You have finally arrived." He took a few steps in the direction the voice came from. His mother was sending his judgmental glances as he stood behind his grandmother's bed, while she continued. “One day you will forget to come to your house because of him.”
Cyrus took a few steps toward his grandmother, who was lying on the oxygen machine, and spoke without taking his eyes off her and giving him full attention to her sleeping face. "Don't worry. I don't have to go to his house anymore."
He brought his hand to his neck, squeezed a little, and tried to swallow. Trying to ignore the hardship that being the first to say this with his mouth, he thought about his mother's reaction to him, which was why he hesitated. He continued speaking as he turned his gaze from his grandmother's face to look into his mother's eyes. “He broke up with me.”
His mother's eyebrows lifted. She clasped his arms across her chest, while a small smile replaced the astonishment. “It was a miracle that it even lasted this long.” She was passing by Cyrus when a little giggle came out of her lips. “Some day you will understand. That not every guy who fucks you is in love with you.”
Cyrus felt tears welling up again as he laughed hysterically.
He had thought that Harlan loved him differently from the others… how stupid he was…
...
Harlan found the bed in which he had woken strange. It wasn't always the bed he was used to sleeping on. It was bigger, wider, and smelled more like him.
He got up from the bed as the light from the window dazzled him. He saw that the window was wider and larger than in his room. This room was not his room.
He got up from the bed and walked towards the door with his feet stepping as if he knew that direction well. Even the light coming from the corridor and the air of the house made him feel more peaceful than the house he lived in before. He thought the situation was awkward, but he didn't care. He walked in the direction his feet took him. This house was smaller than the house he lived in before. When he finally reached the kitchen, he saw his silhouette from behind. His brain and feet seemed to command him to hug him from behind, and he obeyed them without question.
Hhe didn't flinch as she realized how normal this was for him as he wrapped hİS arms around him and around his waist. It was also normal for Harlan in one part of his brain, as if he had done it many times before—as if it had become a habit.
Harlan inhaled his scent, rubbing his nose first on his nape, then on his neck. The body swayed with this movement, and Harlan realized he was giggling.
"Good morning to you too." The owner of that voice was Cyrus.
He muttered as Harlan closed his eyes with the peace that filled him. "Good morning."
“You used to accuse me of being a sleeper and now you're the one who doesn't get out of bed.”
“This is not about me. I feel safer here." Harlan was surprised to think how natural it was the way it came out of his mouth. Somewhere inside, he didn't even know this house, but he was talking as if this house was the only house he had known all his life.
At that moment, he felt a wetness on his hand and it startled him. His closed eyes were opened, he leaned his nose and lifted his head from where he was breathing. As he pulled one arm from Cyrus's waist, he saw that the excess light around had turned into darkness. He looked at his hand, where he felt the wetness. He saw the red liquid.
His hands were already beginning to shake as Harlan took steps backwards. When Cyrus turned his whole body to him, Harlan wanted to beg not to see this sight, and he opened his mouth, it was too late now.
He saw the red liquid flowing from Cyrus' chest. When he saw that gradually that redness was getting bigger, tears were already flowing from Harlan's eyes.
"But you couldn't save me."
Harlan woke up screaming from the bed covered in sweat. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that he was lying on the couch where he was lying crying yesterday. This has been another of his dreams almost every day for two weeks.
“Do you still have those dreams, so it didn't work to break up.” Luna said.
Seeing Garett and Luna side by side in the direction of the entrance door, Harlan took a deep breath. It was quite exhausting having to face them before he could get over the shock of the dream.
“Breaking up? Who?" Garrett asked in surprise. The man knew of his child's dreams, but never of Harlan who was considering breaking up with Cyrus. Because only the pack knew that he was afraid that his dreams would become delusions and come true.
“Harlan broke up with Cyrus.” Luna said in one breath.
Garrett turned his eyes wide with surprise, first to Luna, then to Harlan. "Really? Did you break up with him?"
Harlan replied in a bored voice as he rubbed his eyes. "Yes."
“Why? I thought you loved him? Besides... what does this have to do with your dreams?” Garrett asked, speaking quickly. Harlan turned his gaze to Luna first, obviously asking for her help, but he understood perfectly well that Luna would not help to make an explanation while her judgmental gaze hovered over Harlan. Harlan spoke as he turned his tired gaze to Garett, no matter how uncomfortable he thought he was with the memories that came to his mind.
"What happened? You were all against me dating him and now why are you reacting so much just because I broke up with him?" He continued speaking as he looked away from Garett and lowered his head back onto the pillow that was resting against the headrest. “You got rid of it, you should be happy.”
Luna released her arms from her chest and began to speak, frowning.
“The only reason I was against your relationship with him was because I was sure it would upset him. And guess who was wrong?”
Harlan laughed hysterically. "Genius girl..." He continued his speech without lifting his head from the bed and keeping the reclining position. “Maybe he's relieved to be rid of me. Can't it be?”
“He loved you, Harlan.” Garett abruptly broke in and said the two's quarrel, which had not yet turned into an argument. That sentence brought a pain to Harlan's chest as Luna arranged her sentences as if waiting for this moment of weakness in Harlan's to speak.
“He loved you and you started that relationship even though you knew that you were a werewolf and he was a human. And again, you broke up with him because you were afraid of not being able to protect him, or worse, because you thought he would be afraid of you. You played with him and now you're saying he's relieved? I'm tired of you always finding an excuse for your bullshit."
Harlan rose from his couch, laughing hysterically. “My bullshit?” As he took a few steps towards Luna, he realized that Garett was ready to come in. “I asked you. I begged you for help so that it would be easier for us to understand each other because we are a pack. And what did your suggestions do? What good did your fucking suggestions do, other than making me believe he'd be afraid of me?" Luna lowered her head a little as she averted her gaze from Harlan. Harlan continued to speak after glancing at Garrett's arm, which was preventing him from facing Luna. “You can't hold me accountable after you've set the right environment for me to break up with him.”
Harlan glanced at Luna one last time before heading for the stairs to the upper floor.
“I am not going to school today. You say my arm as an excuse."
...
Harlan heard Garett and Luna's conversations before going upstairs to his room. When Garett learned the real story from Luna, he didn't react, but he was the only person after Blake who found it logical to choose to break up. Luna had shown her father the same reaction as she showed Harlan. However, Garett didn't stick with his idea like Blake did, saying that if Harlan trusted Cyrus and believed he wouldn't be able to be without him, it would be okay for them to get back together. Blake's opinion was harsher, her ideas were one of the things that prompted Harlan to leave, but Harlan's opinions had the opposite effect on him as the pack worked together to keep them from breaking up.
“What if he suddenly reacts and exposes one of us…” Harlan remembered Everett's words. Everyone had an idea of what would happen in the scenario where Cyrus found out that they were werewolves. Even Everett, who insisted that they not break up, had said so. Harlan laughed hysterically as memories flooded his mind. It was a miracle he hadn't gone crazy in the last few days.
Luna was the one who insisted most on trusting Cyrus. In fact, the fact that Luna had trusted him so much and hesitating himself had gotten on his nerves. And when he settled on the trust issue internally, Blake had an idea.
“He won't expose us... he loves you or something, okay, but... what if he's afraid of you? Have you ever thought about that?”
He started his eyelids with his fingers and took a deep breath. His trust in Cyrus was infinite, but he could not bear the possibility of being afraid of him. And that was terribly likely.
He didn't want to see another one of those dreams when he threw himself into bed. Now instead of wondering if these dreams were some kind of delusion or hallucination, he begged not to see them. Every time he saw him hurt, he felt that pain in his body, the biggest reason he begged for these to be ordinary dreams was because he was afraid them would come true.
He closed his eyes again. The first thing he wished was not to dream. The other was not being born a werewolf. So he could have an easier life.