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Maaya had a problem. If she were being honest with herself, it was one that had been festering since she was a first year—since that day Sakiko had traded her ticket so that Maaya wouldn’t miss the concert.
It had been easy enough to ignore back then, but the more Sakiko wormed her way into Maaya’s life, the worse it got. Where before she’d only been jealous that she’d had to share Chihiro with her, she now couldn’t think of anyone better to fangirl over Spring Shine with. It still wasn’t easy to say it to Sakiko’s face, but Maaya really considered her a treasured friend.
If only her feelings for Sakiko stopped there.
It wasn’t like she was in love with her or anything. No, Chihiro was and would always be her one true love.
But that didn’t explain the way Maaya’s heart leapt whenever she saw Sakiko smile. How the most random things would remind her of her. It was at the point where Maaya honestly didn’t know if she spent more time thinking about Chihiro or Sakiko, and the fact that there was any comparison at all was where the crux of her problem lay.
Maaya hated feeling confused like this. The one thing in her life she was supposed to always be sure of was her love for Chihiro. Leave it to Sakiko to come and ruin that for her.
“Maaya-chan? Are you okay?”
Sakiko’s voice startled Maaya from her brooding. Students were sitting in groups and eating, so it must have been lunchtime. Sakiko was standing beside Maaya’s desk, a worried look on her face.
“I’m fine,” Maaya said, ignoring the way Sakiko’s concern made her heart soar. “Just tired, I guess.”
“Ah, got it.” Sakiko smiled. “It’s okay; I didn’t get much sleep either. That new single was amazing! I must’ve listened to Chiro-chan’s solo a hundred times already.”
Maaya thought amazing was selling the song short. “Pfft, only a hundred times?” she joked. “Amateur.”
Sakiko giggled. “I’m sure you’ve already listened a thousand times.”
Maaya couldn’t help joining in with Sakiko’s laugh. “Obviously.”
“Hey,” Sakiko said, “I was thinking, do you want to spend the night at my house? We can watch them perform on that talk show together.”
“I don’t know,” Maaya said, trying to sound nonchalant. “I was planning on just watching it at home.”
The truth was that Maaya would like nothing more than to have a sleepover with Sakiko, and that terrified her. The more time they spent together, the more likely that Sakiko would catch onto Maaya’s… weird feelings for her. The safest thing to do would be to limit the amount of time they spent together.
“Oh,” Sakiko said. “That’s okay then.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
Maaya hated seeing Sakiko deflate like that. Worse still was knowing it was her fault. Her resolve wavered. “On second thought, I guess I could do it,” she said with a shrug.
The change in Sakiko was immediate. “Great! It’s going to be so much fun.” Maaya had to avert her eyes from the radiance of her smile.
They spent the rest of lunch together discussing the finer points of Spring Shine’s new single. Maaya was of the opinion that it was their best post-Misaki work yet, possibly their best song period. The intricate harmonies slowly building in intensity before being capped off with Chihiro’s solo—it was pure magic.
Still, it wasn’t enough to distract her from the sinking feeling in her stomach. It stayed with her as the rest of the day passed in a blur, and after what seemed like barely any time at all, school was over.
“You ready?” Sakiko asked, approaching Maaya at her desk.
Maaya considered backing out. She could say some emergency came up, that her grandma was in the hospital or something. Sakiko would understand. “Yep,” she said instead. “Let’s go.” She gathered up her things and followed Sakiko out the door.
“How ready are you for next week’s test?” Sakiko asked once they were on their way.
Maaya groaned. “Not at all.”
“Oh good, it’s not just me,” Sakiko laughed.
“What’s even the point of tests anymore? We’re almost done with high school.”
Sakiko shrugged. “It’s kinda weird, though. I think I’m going to miss them once we’ve graduated.”
Maaya shot Sakiko a baffled look. “You’re right. That’s weird.”
“How can I explain it? I guess it’s not the tests themselves I’m going to miss. It’s all the time we spend together studying for them.” Sakiko’s eyes lit up. “Speaking of, we should all meet up for a study session this weekend!”
Maaya laughed. “Nerd alert!” She sort of understood how Sakiko felt though. Come March, all these little parts of her daily life that she took for granted were going to come to an end. The thought left her feeling oddly hollow.
Sakiko ignored Maaya and pulled out her phone. “I’ll text Chihiro-chan and let her know.” She typed out the message, but then she paused and looked up at Maaya. “Actually, I’ll let you tell her.”
Maaya arched an eyebrow. “Why? Are you two fighting?”
“Oh no, nothing like that! I just know how much you like texting her.”
Maaya glared at Sakiko, blaming her for the blush now blooming on her cheeks. “You like texting her too.”
“Yeah, but not like you do.” Sakiko glanced around before continuing on in a hushed voice. “Um, is it okay if I tell you something?”
Maaya wasn’t sure she wanted this line of conversation to continue, but she nodded anyway.
“I think you should tell her how you feel.”
“No!” Maaya felt the color drain from her face. “That would ruin everything.”
Sakiko seemed uncomfortable, but there was a determined set to her jaw. “I know it’s scary, but Chihiro-chan’s a really good person. She wouldn’t let something like this get in the way of your friendship. Maybe she even feels the same way!”
Maaya huffed. “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who would have to deal with the consequences if she freaks out.”
Sakiko winced. “Sorry. You’re right—it’s not my place.” She sighed and added, “I just want you to be happy.” When Maaya didn’t respond, Sakiko said, “Just for the record, I’d stick by you even if Chihiro-chan freaked out about it.”
Maaya sighed. She was never going to tell Chihiro, so it wouldn’t ever come to that. Still, she supposed it was nice to know. “Thanks.”
Sakiko just nodded and smiled sadly.
***
“And now for tonight’s musical guest! Spring Sunshine, performing their new hit single live for the first time!”
Maaya and Sakiko cheered, leaning forward on the edge of their seats.
“Wow!” Sakiko said. “Their new outfits are so pretty.”
“Yeah, they’re gorgeous,” Maaya said, her eyes glued to Chihiro. She and Sakiko had been texting with Chihiro beforehand, so she knew how nervous she was about this performance. It was Spring Shine’s biggest televised spot yet, and it was their live debut of a song that Chihiro had greatly contributed to the writing process of.
Looking at her though, you’d never be able to guess that she was anything but confident and excited. Maaya smiled, thinking about the last text Chihiro had sent before her performance: It’s scary, but knowing both of you are watching and supporting me gives me so much strength. I can’t wait for you to see what we’ve been working on!
Right now, her idol was on stage performing for thousands of people while thinking of her. It was a dream come true. Maaya felt like she could die right this second and be content with the outcome of her life.
And yet, it wasn’t just Chihiro that had Maaya feeling euphoric. She couldn’t stop glancing to her side, taking in the awe on Sakiko’s face. There was a time when she’d thought that true happiness was having Chihiro all to herself as her number one fan. Now, she knew there was nothing better than sharing the experience with someone she cherished, someone who truly got it.
She didn’t know how long she was staring, but then Sakiko’s eyes met hers, and both girls whipped their heads back to face the TV. Maaya knew she was blushing.
The performance continued on in spite of the sudden awkwardness. Chihiro was singing her heart out, and Sakiko let out a cheer. Maaya smiled and joined her shouting. They started up a chant together, and even though she knew it was impossible, it almost seemed like Chihiro heard them through the TV. Her voice was getting even more powerful, her dance movements bolder. Her bandmates must have sensed the change, because, feeding on her new energy, they took the whole performance to the next level. This was Spring Shine as they’d never been seen before.
It wasn’t until the song was over—when the girls, shining from their exertions, took a bow—that Maaya realized she’d been crying. Without a word, Sakiko passed her a tissue box (after taking a handful for herself).
“That was amazing!” Sakiko said. “They’re going to have so many new fans now.”
Sure enough, social media reactions were glowing. There was a time when Maaya would have scoffed at these people who were only now discovering Spring Shine. They were just posers hopping on a hype train, she would’ve thought, not true fans like her who were there from the start. Now though, Maaya just smiled. The more people who understood how amazing Spring Shine was, the better.
It was time for bed, but the performance had filled Maaya with too much energy. Sakiko must’ve felt the same, because once they were in her room, she started talking excitedly rather than turning off the lights.
“They were so perfect up there. I can’t wait to talk with Chihiro-chan about it.”
“Right? You couldn’t tell she was nervous at all.”
Sakiko treated Maaya with her biggest smile. “Thanks for coming over to watch it with me. Somehow, their music seems even better when we’re listening together.”
“Don’t be silly,” Maaya mumbled, looking down at her feet. “If they sounded better, that’s because of their hard work, not me.”
They talked for a while longer, until neither girl could make it through a sentence without yawning.
“I guess we should get some sleep,” Sakiko said.
Maaya nodded and got comfortable on her futon. “Good night.”
“Good night.” Sakiko turned off the lights, and silence settled over the room.
Despite being exhausted from staying up late two nights in a row, Maaya couldn’t turn off the thoughts in her brain keeping her awake. She kept going back to the concert, and the moment when her and Sakiko’s eyes had met. What had been going through Sakiko’s mind in that moment? Was she also thinking about how important Maaya’s friendship was to her? About how beautiful Maaya looked as she was entranced by the music?
Maaya blushed furiously. She definitely hadn’t been thinking that about Sakiko. Nope. No way. Could never happen.
…Okay, maybe something like that had crossed her mind. It didn’t have to mean anything though.
Maaya sighed. There, listening in the dark to Sakiko’s quiet breathing, she finally let herself be honest with herself.
Yes, she liked Sakiko. Liked her a lot, in fact. Liked her so much that she wasn’t sure like was a strong enough word to describe it, but she was still too scared to use that other word that starts with L.
What did this mean about her feelings for Chihiro? She knew it was dumb, but she couldn’t help feeling like she was being unfaithful. Chihiro was the first girl she’d ever loved, and something that momentous shouldn’t simply be discarded.
On a similar note, was this unfair to Sakiko? Say Maaya did end up confessing to her. Wouldn’t that make Sakiko feel like she was just some consolation prize? Something to settle for if Maaya couldn’t be with her idol? Maaya would hate herself if she made her feel that way.
But she couldn’t ignore the feelings in her heart. The ones that sang when she and Sakiko were together. They were part of the same song that Chihiro created in her, but a verse all unto their own.
The truth was, Maaya had a hard time picturing what a real relationship with Chihiro would look like. Her feelings of love for her were too entwined with her identity as a fan. She’d somehow managed to walk the tightrope between friend and fan up to this point, but she worried that the added weight of lover would cause the rope to snap. How was she supposed to be girlfriends with someone she could never fully feel equal to?
Sakiko was different. Their relationship was on solid ground, no precarious line to balance. She could slip into the role of girlfriend as easily as a comfortable skirt. The thought of what that would entail set Maaya blushing again.
She thought back to Spring Shine’s performance. How, despite being scared, Chihiro gave it her all and elevated her whole band’s showing.
Chihiro, give me courage.
“Sakiko-san? Are you awake?”
“Mmhm,” came Sakiko’s sleepy reply. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to know if you have anyone you like,” Maaya blurted out before her surge of strength could fade.
“Huh?” Sakiko shot straight up in bed. “Why?” She fumbled until she’d turned on the light by her bed.
That reaction was only natural, Maaya thought. The question must’ve seemed like it came out of nowhere. She couldn’t exactly explain without giving everything away though, so she said, “Just tell me.”
Sakiko giggled shyly. “I guess that’s fair since I know about your love already.”
Maaya’s heart skipped a beat. Oh, right; she probably only meant Chihiro.
After taking a breath, Sakiko said, “Yes. I have someone I like.”
Maaya felt like Sakiko’s words had stabbed her in the chest. “Who?”
Sakiko shook her head wildly. “Sorry. It’s a secret. It’s way too embarrassing.” More softly, she added, “Besides, it’ll never happen.”
“Why not? Any boy who can’t see what a catch you are is an idiot.”
That brought a smile to Sakiko’s face. “Thanks.” She opened her mouth like she had something more to say, but she just sighed and closed it again.
“What is it?” Maaya asked.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just, um…” Sakiko trailed off. Maaya could almost feel the weight of her unsaid words hanging between them. She didn’t say anything, just waited patiently for Sakiko to continue. “The thing is… it’s not a boy I like. She’s a girl.”
“Oh!” Internally, Maaya was screaming, but she tried not to let her excitement show. Up until this second, she hadn’t fully considered the possibility that she actually had a chance with Sakiko. “Thanks for telling me. I know how scary it can be saying it out loud.”
“Yeah. But at the same time, it’s like there’s less of a weight on my chest now. Besides, I knew I could trust you with this.”
Trust. That’s really what it came down to, wasn’t it? Did Maaya trust Sakiko enough to reveal her feelings for her? It was sort of surprising, but Maaya thought the answer was yes. They’d experienced so much together, shared so much of themselves with each other. Sakiko had seen Maaya at her worst, back when Maaya was trying to push all of Chihiro’s fans away so she could have her for herself, and she had still accepted Maaya with open arms and helped her to become better.
Sakiko might not return Maaya’s feelings, but that didn’t mean their relationship had to change. Maaya trusted her enough for that.
Maaya swallowed. Doing her best to keep her voice steady, she said, “There’s kinda something I want to tell you too.” Her heart was pounding in her chest like it was trying to break free.
“What is it?”
“You know I’m not good at mushy stuff, so I’m just going to say it straight. I like you, Sakiko. A lot. You’ve been such an amazing friend to me, even when I honestly didn’t deserve it.” Maaya looked down at her lap. She took a big breath before continuing. “You’re so special to me and I want to be more than friends with you if that’s okay with you and I get it if not but we can still be friends and I’ll treat you the same as before, okay?”
Maaya heard Sakiko get up off her bed, but she still couldn’t bring herself to look at her. She yelped with surprise when she felt Sakiko’s arms close around her. Sakiko buried her face in Maaya’s neck, and Maaya felt tears land on her.
“I’m so happy right now,” Sakiko said. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to hear you say that. I feel the same way.”
Maaya let go all the tension she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Now, in Sakiko’s arms, she felt more relaxed than she had in weeks. Sakiko was saying more, and Maaya had to force herself to focus on them through the bliss now clouding her mind.
“I’ve been so scared since I realized I had a crush on you. I knew you liked Chihiro, and there’s no way I thought I could measure up to her. I convinced myself that your happiness was more important, so I tried to support you even more to be with her. I think I was really just scared that, if I told you, it would make our friendship awkward, or you’d start pushing me away.”
Maaya ran her hands through Sakiko’s hair. “I could never do that. You’re too important to me. I can’t imagine going back to what my life was like before I met you.” Feeling bold, she pressed her lips to Sakiko’s forehead and smiled at her surprised squeak. “So don’t ever think you’re not good enough for me, okay?”
“I promise.”
They sat like that for a while, neither girl saying anything, just enjoying the closeness. Finally, Sakiko let out a big yawn and Maaya laughed. “We really should get some sleep now.”
“But I don’t want to leave you yet,” Sakiko mumbled.
Maaya laid down, pulling Sakiko with her. “Then don’t go.”
Sakiko giggled. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
And so, their bodies intertwined, the two girls drifted off into a peaceful sleep.