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“What’s it like out there?” The raven-haired boy stares out of the window. “Is it big and scary?” His voice is barely above a whisper.
Niall stares at him for a minute, trying to come up with the perfect response. “Not necessarily,” he says warily. “It’s actually kind of beautiful out there.”
The raven-haired boy looks back at him and Niall can see the fear and yearning simultaneously in his eyes. Niall edges forward and sits at the opposite end of the bench that Zayn has perched himself on.
“At first, it is overwhelming and a bit scary, but then you see all these people running around, doing their own thing. Living their life to the fullest, I hope, and you realize how small you are. But a good kind of small, it’s like, you can go about your day without anyone really caring…”
“No one caring?” Zayn shrunk up into a little ball, but his face was still pressed against the window. Niall realized what he said and tried to back track.
“Like, strangers caring… I meant.” He said, “There are people in the world who do care about you, you know that right Zayn?”
“Then why am I locked up here?” The boys voice broke Niall’s heart. It wasn’t said maliciously or anything but it was sad in a wave of sadness.
“I don’t know,” Niall said softly. He reached out his hand to Zayn. The raven-haired boy flinched but Niall assured him that he had washed it minutes before. Zayn still looked unconvinced so Niall sighed and got up from the bench. He made a show of going to the bathroom, turning on the sink to full blast and stuck his dripping wet and soapy hands out of the bathroom to show Zayn that he was scrubbing the soap. Once he had finished, he walked back to Zayn with his hands in the hair before giving one hand to the other boy. Zayn smiled appreciatively before holding onto the tips of Niall’s fingers.
They sat like that till the sunset, an hour later. Then Zayn released Niall’s fingers and slipped off the bench gracefully. He tiptoed towards the door that led them into the common room before briefly turning around and smiling at the blond boy. He then slipped through the door and disappeared down the hallway towards his own room.
Niall stared after him, before collecting his thoughts and walking out of the door, leaving it wide open so that the nurses could see there was no one else in there. He waved his pass at the heavy double doors before walking out to the reception place. He signed out before taking off his pass and pocketing it.
He left the building the in the dark, not realizing that two brown eyes watched him through a barred and locked window as he disappeared into the park right across and trudged his way home in the snow.
*
Niall always enjoyed his walk home after working an afternoon at the clinic. It gave him time to think and be in the fresh air. He knew it worried his mother when he would walk home at night, Niall was a tall but leaner boy whose blond hair stuck out every which way because he couldn’t be bothered to comb it down. Many people liked him in his town but it was still small town Ireland and some people were as open to “different lifestyles” as his mother put it. No one had ever tried to harm him, thought, just a couple slurs here and there. It wasn’t great, but it was better than being beaten.
It broke his heart, really. Sometimes he did wish he wasn’t gay just because then his mother would have a slightly easier life and one less thing to worry about. She’d gotten pregnant at 18, but thankfully her parents who were strict didn’t kick her out. Instead, her mother pretended that Niall was her child until Maura had gotten her bachelors degree. Then Maura decided to take Niall and move Mullingar, which was about a three-hour drive from her parents. Niall was very young when Maura had decided to do this and he always suspected that something had happened because his mother always stiffens whenever his grandparents called.
But, Maura did not let that stop her. She is currently a pre-school teacher at the local school and somehow got the principal to let her enroll Niall in the class too so that she could watch over him. It wasn’t easy being a single mother, but she and Niall did well.
Now, at 18 Niall is almost done with high school and he’s a straight A student. He wants to pursue music and Maura is more than supportive of his dream but that doesn’t stop the late night fights about finding a career more practical than music. Maura is a worrier, and she worries about her son. But at least with him being gay she doesn’t have to worry about him knocking up a girl (the safe sex talk has happened so many times, Niall thought she was relieved when he came out) but it did open up a whole new set of worries for Maura to fret about.
He arrived home just after 8 o’clock and his mother was smiling while setting the table.
“Good evening at the clinic dear?” She asked, kissing his cheek before walking back to their small kitchen.
“Yeah, actually,” He replied, pulling out a chair, “Wasn’t a busy today so I got to sit with the patients today.”
“Oh, how wonderful.” She started to hum as she brought the stew to the table and sat down beside Niall. “Wonderful, wonderful…”
“What’s got you in such a good mood?” Niall asked, as he ladled out some stew for his mother first before lifting his bowl up. Maura beamed at him and said,
“Well, I got asked out on a date today,” She looked absolutely thrilled. Niall widened his smile but his eyes shifted into a slightly protective mode. Because of everything they’ve been through, Niall and Maura were very close. Niall didn’t date much, but he did share many (not all) things with his mother and vice versa.
“His name is Jack Tomlinson, I believe you go to school with his son. Well, his daughters are in my class and their just delightful!” She carried on, “Anyways, when he came today to pick up the girls, oh he was so nervous I thought he was going to tell me he was going to unroll them but no! He stumbled and stuttered, oh it was adorable! But of course I said yes, he is very handsome and he is a wonderful man…” She prattled on but Niall zoned out slightly before coming back.
“That’s wonderful ma,” he said as he stabbed a carrot, “When is the date?”
“Thursday, you must help me find a good outfit. God knows it’s been a while since I went out on my last date…” She went on and Niall just smiled and listened.
*
The next day at school, Niall was reading while sitting under a tree with Liam and his girlfriend Sophia. They were being adorable and Niall had to stop himself from rolling his eyes every five seconds at him. Eventually, Sophia caught onto Niall’s silent display of distant and edged closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and said,
“What are you reading?”
“Soren Kierkegaard’s The Concept of Anxiety.” He replied.
“Is it any good?” She asked, “He’s a philosopher, no?”
“Yes and yes,” Niall sighed, “He was a Danish philosopher and theologian.”
“What’s a theologian?” Liam asked.
“A theologian is a person who engages or is an expert in Theology and before you ask,” Sophia replied, “Theology is a systematic and rational study of the concepts of God and of the nature of religious ideas.”
“How are you so smart?” Liam asked, smiling at Sophia like she was the only thing in the world.
“Because I actually pay attention at school,” She laughed, leaning in and giving him a quick peck on the lips. Liam sighed, satisfied. Niall silently gagged beside them and Liam leaned over and knocked him on the head.
“Hey, why is Tomlinson staring at you? Did you piss him off or something?” Liam asked, concerned. Louis Tomlinson was the most popular boy at Mullingar High. He was originally from Doncaster but his father moved his whole family (sans the mother) here after their nasty divorce. Louis quickly rose to the top of the social standing and didn’t associate with anyone outside of his circle. When he had too, he was nice and polite but the type that you knew he did not enjoy associating with you.
“No?” Niall said it like a question, looking up and meeting eyes with the feathered haired boy. Louis pursed his lips together before giving Niall a short nod and turning back to his friends. Harry and Nick, who were both part of Louis’s entourage both looked confused but wiped the expressions from their face within a minute.
Harry wasn’t as bad as Louis when it came to other people. Harry was a very outgoing and charming type, he could charm the socks off of anyone. He was also funny but had a very dry sense of humor. You could find Harry hanging out with people outside of his normal group, it wasn’t often but it wasn’t an impossible scenario. He and Liam used to be friends in primary school but since then grown apart. But Niall would never miss the smile and nod thrown Liam’s way in the hallway. Even stopped a couple times for a chat.
Nick was the high school DJ and the most outgoing out of the three of them. He knew everything about everyone and was always cheery. It drove Niall mad.
Niall knew exactly why Louis had nodded at him so he gave him a nod back before turning back to his book. He ignored the looks on Liam’s and Sophia’s face. He wasn’t going to get into it until the date actually happened.
*
Niall got home a little later today; he had stopped at the bookstore that Louis worked in. When he got there, Louis was charming a petit brunette named Eleanor who was obviously very invested in it.
Niall waited, looking at books and picking up two random ones until Eleanor had left before walking up to Louis.
“So your father told you, huh?” He slide the books across the counter.
“Yeah, he was pretty excited about it.” Louis’s voice was cool. “Look, Horan, I don’t have a problem with you or your mother but my father went through enough and I don’t want to call anyone names but if your mother turns out to be a gol—”
“I think it would be better if you didn’t finish that sentence,” Niall’s voice turned icy and Louis stopped but he didn’t back track. “I just want what’s best for my mother, and I know you understand that.” Louis nodded curtly. “Let’s let the adults work this out, right? We’ll both stay out of it.”
“Fine, plastic or paper?” Louis asked.
“Paper.” Niall replied. Louis bagged the books and refused the money Niall offered.
“Consider it a gift,” he said, he paused and Niall thought he was going to say more but instead he gave Niall a small smile. “For both their sakes, I hope it does work out. I would really hate to call you my enemy.”
Niall nodded and replied, “Ditto.” Before taking the bag and slipping out into the rain. Louis watched the blond boy go. He really did mean it, he would hate to see Niall on the opposing side.
*
Niall signed into the clinic the next day and swiped his pass, pushing open the heavy doors. He expected to see Zayn sitting by the window but there was no sign of him. He searched the common room and the other little rooms that were spread out across the floor like the TV room. But the raven-haired boy was no where to be found.
“Where is Zayn?” Niall asked Aubrey, the petit head nurse with ginger hair. She curled it perfectly every morning so that it would bounce with her step. Her face was always plastered with a smile that Niall believed if she was blonde, she could be mistaken for the sun.
The smile dropped and she leaned in, “He suffered a panic attack at breakfast this morning, it was pretty bad. He’s staying in his room the whole day, his choice.” She whispered to him. Niall nodded and then asked,
“Can I…?”
She hesitated but then nodded, “Not long, okay?”
He nodded before walking down the hallway towards Zayn’s room. He smiled at all the patients he passed, even stopped to talk to a few before he entered the raven haired boys room.
“Z-Zayn?” he called out. The room was pitch black, but Niall knew there was a flash light on the bedside table. He didn’t get a response but he knew that he was in there. He felt his way to the bedside table, grabbing the flashlight and turning it on low before placing it face down so there was a subtle glow around the room.
Niall went back to the door and closed it, before making his way back to the bed. He saw Zayn curled up into a ball and he got tighter as Niall came closer. The blond sat at the edge of the bed, before he started talking to him in a low voice.
“The snow is melting outside,” He started, “It’s so mucky and muddy outside, I had mud streaked all up and down my jeans. Mum’s going to yell at me once I get home.” He chuckled, “But this means it’s almost spring, you’ll get to see the leaves growing from the window.” He paused and watched Zayn’s chest going up and down. “That’s what I love about the seasons, that no matter how rough it is, how rough winter can be, spring always comes. Something new always grows and grows back tougher and stronger than before.” He was watching Zayn’s curled up body.
“I also saw a dog today,” He saw Zayn relax a little bit. “He was wearing little booties, you know, so the salt doesn’t get into his paws. He was a golden lab, with little red booties.”
“You,” Zayn whispered, so quietly that Niall almost missed it.
“Sorry?” He asked.
“You,” Zayn lifted his head a little from his pillow so his voice wouldn’t be muffled, “You remind me of a golden Labrador because you’re kind and blonde. Like them.” Niall could make out a faint smile on Zayn’s face so he chuckled.
“Wow, I think that is the best compliment I’ve gotten yet.”
“What else happened today?” Zayn asked, softly resting his head back on his pillow.
“Well, I was at school and we are learning about Soren Kierkegaard…he said something interesting, what was it…” Niall mussed, trying to remember the quote that his teacher had told him before he left, “Oh yes! ‘What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music.’ I was asked to talk about the quote, I don’t know why but it doesn’t sit well with me…”
“But it’s true,” Zayn replied still in a soft manner, “Again, look at me. I was once a poet, or I thought of myself to be. There is a lot of sadness in me but people thought it was beautiful until…” His voice drifted off. Niall didn’t know what else to say so they sat in silence for a little bit before Zayn asked,
“Don’t you want to pursue music?”
“Yes,” Niall was pleased that Zayn remember though, he shouldn’t be surprised. Zayn was very observant and if you told him something once, he would most likely remember it. “Hopefully, I’ll make it.”
“Of course you will,” Zayn replied, “You’re a puppy. Who doesn’t love a puppy?” Again, Niall laughed and Zayn’s smile grew.
“Thank you.”
They were silent for a minute before Zayn said,
“Will you sing me to sleep? My mother used too…and I miss her.”
Niall was surprised by the statement, Zayn never mentioned his parents before let alone said that he missed one of them. “Of course,” he said, “Do you have anything in mind?”
“Dealers choice,” Zayn murmured. Niall picked a lullaby and edged a tiny bit closer. Zayn didn’t react so Niall started singing, watching the boy intently. When Zayn fell asleep, Niall turned off the flashlight and very carefully made his way to the door. He shut it softly behind him before making his way back to the common room.
“He’s asleep,” He told Aubrey, blinking a couple of times before his eyes adjusted to the light. She smiled and thanked him. He turned to the double doors, feeling a little sad as he swiped his pass and left the building.
*
Niall got home and fell face first onto his bed. He checked his email, it was the beginning of April and soon the college acceptances from the United States would be out. Of course, there wasn’t anything so he shut it and pushed it to the edge of his bed. He sighed.
“Darling? Are you alright?” His mother came into his room, sitting at the edge of his bed like he had done with Zayn.
Niall sighed and closed his eyes, not entertaining his mom with a response. When she was hit with silence, she knew that he just wanted some time alone. She left quietly, going downstairs to make a couple of a sandwiches which she would leave on the counter for Niall for whenever he was hungry.
He lifted his head when she left, scanning around his small and messy room before spotting his guitar. He crawled from his crumpled sheets and caught the neck, dragging it towards him. He sat up on the edge of his bed, letting his fingers fall on the fret board and graze against the strings before starting a light melody. He started humming a harmony, thinking of lyrics as his fingers picked at the strings.
“I wish you were here with me,
Cause right now
Everything is new to me.”
His fingers continued to brush against the strings, even thought he was playing so soft, Maura could still hear the song and she smiled as she buttered the bread for the sandwiches.
Niall played the same notes and sung the same lyrics over and over again until his fingers were raw and only then did he place the guitar back in its stand and walk downstairs.
His mother was sitting on the couch, watching some television when he took one of the three sandwiches (he was a hungry teenager) and sat with her. They didn’t speak, but watched the television in a comfortable silence.
*
The next day at school, when Louis passed Niall in the hallway again he gave him a nod before carrying on with the rest of the crew minus Harry who stopped and chatted idly with Liam for a couple minutes before jogging to catch up to his friends.
“You’re not going to abandon us for the Tomlinson crew, are you Nialler?” Liam asked a little worried as they walked towards their tree to eat lunch.
“You’re crazy,” Niall said, “He just nods at me, what makes you think I’m going to jump ship?”
“Because your parents are going on a date…” Sophia said, a little peeved at Niall for not telling them first, “The whole town is talking about it. I’m pretty sure Ms. Maldives has already planned the wedding.”
Small town problems, everyone was in everyone else’s business. And with Maura and Jack being the few single parents in town, everyone was very invested in this potential relationship.
“It’s nothing to worry about,” Niall said, “They’re going on one date, what could result from one date?” Liam gestured to him and Sophia and Niall rolled his eyes.
“Let’s just eat lunch in peace, it’s not a big deal.” He was getting more and more annoyed. He just wanted it to be 4:30 so that he could spend his evening at the clinic.
*
When he got there in the afternoon, Zayn was sitting at the window bench again. He was staring thoughtfully at the trees that loomed over with snow.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” His soft voice flitted through the air when Niall approached him.
“You should write,” Niall said abruptly, “Write about it, and write your poetry again.”
Zayn didn’t turn away from the window when he replied, “But what good would it do?”
“You would get your sadness out. It wouldn’t fill your heart anymore.” Niall paused, “I gave Aubrey a notebook I got for you. And some pencils, whenever you feel like writing…get it from her.”
The patients were allowed to have very few things, and pencils and a notebook weren’t one of them. However, Aubrey did agree (after a lot of persuasion) to hold onto a notebook for Zayn that Niall had gotten specially for him.
Zayn looked at Niall and gave him an appreciatively smile. “You did that for me?”
“It’s nothing big, Zayn.” Niall said, sitting down at the end of the bench. “I play music when I don’t know how to say something or when I need to get something off my chest. Writing meant a lot to you, I could tell. So, why not continue to do something that makes you happy?”
Zayn’s smile grew a little bit and he edged every so slightly to Niall.
“Who knows,” Niall said, “Maybe one day it’ll help you get out there.” He nodded towards the park.
Zayn shook his head, “I’ll never be able to go out there.”
“Never say never,” Niall smiled at him, “Maybe you’ll surprise yourself.” He knew it was unlikely, the treatment hadn’t been helping Zayn and he had been in here for about three years. But Niall only sees the good in every situations and he believes that Zayn will eventually overcome his agoraphia.
They were silent for the rest of the time that Niall was there. But when Niall got up to leave, Zayn turned and whispered, “Thank you.”
Niall beamed at him and nodded before silently slipping through the doorframe. His smile held until he got home and remembered that it was Thursday.
His mom had left some dinner on the table for him, which he took up to his room so he could eat and finish his homework at the same time. He had to maintain his grades if he wanted to go to university. Just then, Liam called him.
“So?” He asked the minute Niall picked up the phone.
“So what?” Niall replied, spinning around in his chair.
“Do you know how the date is going?”
“Liam, how would I know that? I’m not spying on them or anything.”
“Oh, right. Right. Do you think Louis is?”
“No.” He hoped he wouldn’t be, but Louis made it very clear that he is protective over his father so the blond really wouldn’t put it past him.
“So we’ll just have to wait till tomorrow to find out?”
“We’ll? No, Liam. Just me, and even not me… I don’t really want to know… we stay out of each other love lives.”
“Oh hush now,” Liam laughed, “You two are so close even if you didn’t want to hear about it, you would. Y’all are like the Gilmore Girls.”
“Shut up, we are not like two girls who do nothing but chat all the time.”
“Please, when you go to university you’ll be back every weekend like Rory was when she went to Yale!” Liam shot back.
“How do you know this?” Niall said, laughing a bit.
“Sophia made me watch it.”
“YOU ENJOYED IT!” Sophia called from the back. Niall snorted and laughed.
“I DID NOT!”
“DID TOO!”
That continued for a couple minutes before Niall politely hung up the phone. He polished off his dinner and took the plate down stairs. He looked at the clock; it was only 9:30pm. So he trudged back upstairs and uncovered his guitar. He started the verse that he had been writing again, before carrying on.
“Don’t try to make me stay…” He changed up the chords a little bit before continuing, “Or ask I’m okay...” He sung it over again.
“I don’t have the answer…Don’t make me stay the night” His voice echoed off the walls in the room. He closed his eyes and continued,
“Or ask if I’m all right, I don’t have the answer.” His voice grew softer as he continued, “But I know, if I go now, if I leave. Then I’m on my own tonight… I’ll never know the answer.”
His fingers stopped strumming and he decided to put it together.
“Don’t try to make me stay
Or ask if I’m okay
I don’t have the answer
Don’t make me stay the night
Or ask if I’m all right
I don’t have the answer.
But I know, if I go now, if I leave
Then I’m on my own tonight
I’ll never know the answer.”
He kept going, strumming the different chords with his eyes closed and repeating the verses like a mantra. He felt like something was missing, but he couldn’t exactly place what it was. He was so engrossed with the music, he didn’t hear his Mom open and close the doors. She heard him playing and silently took off her shoes before creeping up stairs.
He was hunched over his guitar, continuing the same repetition as she pushed the door open slightly. She listened to the music for a couple minutes before tapping softly.
Niall’s head perked up and he slid his guitar off his lap and onto the ground. He turned around and beamed at his mom, getting up and bouncing over to kiss her cheek.
“How was it?”
She smiled, and sighed dreamily. “He’s wonderful, really. Such a sweet man.”
“Oh? Plans for a second date?”
“Yes,” She giggled and it reminded Niall of pre-school when he used to chase the girls and they would giggle as they fled.
“I’m happy for you, really am Mum.” Niall said.
“That song is beautiful,” She said, pushing her way into his room and sitting on his bed, “Is it about anyone?”
Niall hesitated. He didn’t really have anyone in mind when he was writing it, the verses just sort of came to him. He shook his head No and Maura sighed.
“Pity, it’s beautiful.” She paused for a moment, “You’d tell me right? If you were seeing anyone?” She was looking at the ground while she said it.
“Of course, why would you think I wouldn’t?” Niall said, astonished at the question. He sat down beside her.
“I don’t know, ever since you came out to me you haven’t really dated anyone…” She still refused to meet his eye line, “I wasn’t sure, if I handled it well or not… like you thought I was ashamed or something because I’m not,” just then she looked up, “I really aren’t Niall. It doesn’t matter to me who you love, as long as you’re good to them and they’re good for you.” She touched his chin.
“Mum,” He laughed, “You handled it fine! In fact, I didn’t know what would happen when I told you… and you’ve handled it better than most I’d say.”
Maura smiled at her son, hugging him. “Good, it was such a long time ago and it’s been bugging me ever since. And you’re singing sort of a love song and I thought ‘Oh he’s seeing someone special and he hasn’t told me.’”
He kissed her cheek again before saying, “I’ll tell you the minute I start seeing someone, alright? I’ve just been busy with school and work it’s…”
“I know, it’s so much,” She said, “And applying to Berklee…it’s a lot of pressure. You should go out sometime with Liam or Louis.”
“Ma, Louis and I aren’t friends… we don’t hang out together.”
“Well,” She said, “Maybe you should.” Then she got up from the bed. “Well, I’m glad everything’s okay. I’ll wake you for school tomorrow. G’nite sweetheart.”
“Night Mum,” Niall replied. It was only 11 o’clock and Niall wanted to talk to Liam but he decided that he would keep him in suspense. Niall settled down in bed with The Concept of Anxiety when he heard something hitting his windows. He thought it was the tree branch that hung close to his window so he ignored it, but when it continued to happen (and happen louder) he got up and pulled open the window, just to be hit with a pebble.
“SHIT, sorry mate!” A Doncaster voice shouted softly up. Niall rubbed his cheek and peered down and saw Louis standing there with a handful of rocks.
“I have a doorbell, you know.” Niall said dryly, sticking his head out the window.
“Didn’t know if y’all were sleeping or not, didn’t want to disturb both of you.”
“And you thought hitting rocks against my window would be better?”
“Just come down,” Louis hissed. Niall shrugged and closed his window. He grabbed a sweater because it was always chilly in April. He made his way quietly down to the front door and unlocked it. He stepped outside in his socks, completely forgetting about shoes. He was intrigued as to why Louis was here.
“So,” Louis said, like he expected Niall to talk first. Niall looked at him confused,
“You’re the one who came here.”
“Right.” Louis said, biting his lip, “Dad said he had a good time. And they’re going on another date in a couple days…Monday I believe.”
“So?”
“I just…” Louis started but then he shook his head, “Nothing. Never mind, I should go.” He started to turn away when Niall asked him a question,
“Louis did you come here to tell me this?”
“I don’t know why I came here.” He confessed.
They both stared at each other for a second, trying to figure each other out. Niall crinkled his nose as a big gust of wind went right through them before saying,
“Give me your phone.” Louis wordlessly took it out and handed it to him. “It’s freezing right now, so next time you want to make a visit, just call me. We can meet in a warmer place.” He punched in his number and handed it back to Louis.
Louis nodded and mumbled, “Thanks, mate.”
“Anytime.” Niall said, he hesitated before carrying on, “Unless you have more to say, I would really like to go inside now.”
“Yeah, yeah, um, yeah,” Louis just fumbled with his words, “See you at school.”
“See you.” Niall quickly turned back around and marched to his door before Louis could change his mind. Why did he always have these weird interactions with Louis? He wondered as he tore off his wet socks and threw them into the hamper in the laundry room.
He padded up the carpeted floor to his room and dove under the covers, snuggling in them until he fell asleep.
*
School was interesting the next day. Whenever Louis saw Niall, he gave him a short nod but Niall could always see a slight panicked look in his eyes, like he was scared that Niall would tell anyone that he showed up to his house last night. But Niall didn’t, he didn’t think it was anyone’s business.
He didn’t even tell Liam and Sophia when they asked about Maura’s date.
*
“He asked for the notebook, shortly after you left yesterday,” Aubrey said to Niall as he walked in.
“Oh? That’s nice.” Niall was quite happy that Zayn had used the notebook.
“Asked for some coloured pencils too,” She smiled, “And stayed at the window till well past curfew but he was so engrossed in whatever he was doing that I really didn’t have the heart to move him. So I stayed over time with him until he finished, around 12:30am.”
“Aubrey, has anyone told you lately how amazing you are?” Niall smiled at her, leaning over the desk. She just batted her eyelashes playfully and smirked.
“Any one of the staff would have done it, we all have a soft spot for that Bradford boy.” Niall followed her gaze. Zayn was sitting at the window, watching the world go by. He nodded to her before making his way to the window seat.
He didn’t mention the note book to Zayn which was not so carefully hidden under the pillow on the window seat.
“How are you today, Z?” Niall didn’t stop himself when he said Z instead of Zayn. He just went with it.
Zayn looked at him, a small smile tugging at the edges of his lips, “Not too bad, how about you, N?”
“Not too bad,” Niall fully beamed at Zayn when Zayn said N.
“I wrote a little poem yesterday,” Zayn said softly, “In the notebook. It’s a very nice notebook, thank you so much. I don’t know how I can ever repa-” Niall just waved his hands and said,
“What was the poem? Can I hear you recite it?”
Zayn hesitated for a second before pulling up the notebook and flipping through the pages to find it. He had used a fair amount of it for having it for one day.
“Heartache doesn’t last forever
I’ll say I’m fine
Midnight ain’t no time for laughing
When you say goodbye.
It makes your lips so kissable
And your kiss unmissable
Your fingertips so touchable
And your eyes irresistible.”
Niall looked at him, slightly in awe. “That’s beautiful.”
Zayn smiled shyly.
“No really, it’s wonderful. It sounds like song lyrics actually…”
“Isn’t that what song lyrics are? Poems?”
“Yeah, I suppose. Zayn you very talented.” Niall reached out his hand slightly. Zayn just smiled at it but didn’t reach back.
“You can use it, if you like.”
“What?”
“In a song, if you’re ever stuck… use it.”
“I can’t, its yours.”
“I give you permission.” Zayn looked right at him with a serious face. “No one will ever hear it from me, I won’t ever be out there.” He nodded towards the window, “But you’re part of that world. And you’ll be famous one day. If it’s really as beautiful as you say, might as well spread around the beauty.”
“Thank you.” Niall said softly, “I will use it.”
When Zayn wasn’t looking, he scribbled down the words to the poem on a piece of paper and pocketed it. Maybe he could work it into his new song. For the rest of the time that Niall was there, they watched the world together. Not much was happening, a couple passerby’s, some children playing in the woods. The sun was shining and Niall saw the brown flecks in Zayn’s eyes sparkle. He continued to stare at the Bradford native, admiring how perfect all his features were. If he were ‘in the real world’ as he liked to call it, he would be chased down by girls all the time, Niall decided. And probably men too.
Zayn’s fingertips tapped at the glass and Niall could see that he wanted to go outside, but he knew that when Zayn was faced with it, he wouldn’t. It was heartbreaking, wanting something so badly but not being able to have it. Suddenly, Zayn jumped up from the window and darted across the room, notebook clutched in hand. Niall was surprised but he quickly followed after the raven haired boy.
“Zayn?” He called after him. Zayn took a sharp right and entered his room. But he left the door open.
“Zayn?” Niall stood at the doorway, waiting to be invited in. “Are you alright?”
There was silence, so Niall stayed there but called out again, “Are you okay, Zayn? Do I need to get someone?”
“No!” His voice squeaked. “You can come in.” He said.
Niall quickly went inside the room and found the boy sitting at the back of his bed on the ground. “Are you alright?” He got down to Zayn’s level and rested a hand on his shoulder.
“Yes,” Zayn breathed softly, “Sometimes… sometimes, watching everything happen…it get’s a little much… I just…the glass doesn’t feel secure enough and…” He mumbled.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to explain it to me.”
“I’m crazy,” Zayn started to sob softly, “Why I am like this? Some days, I can’t even sit at a fucking window.” He leaned into Niall and the Irish boy wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly.
“You’re not crazy. It’s okay to be scared of things, it’s only human nature.”
“It’s not human nature to be locked up here!” Zayn’s voice started to raise as his sobs overwhelmed him, “I can’t go outside, I can’t even take a step outside! I’ve been like this for so long, and I’m not getting better. I am going to die not having experienced anything!” By the end of the sentence, Niall could barely understand him. But he still held him tightly and let him cry.
“You’re just wired differently, that’s all.” Niall tried to think of comforting things to say, “The outside world isn’t that great anyways…”
“You’re in the outside world…” He said softly, raising up his head for a second. “How could it not be great when you’re there?” He leaned further up, pressing his lips against Niall’s. They were warm and soft, and Niall wanted to deepen the kiss but he broke away and closed his eyes. He kept holding Zayn as he cried. He didn’t know what else to say so he stayed quiet until Zayn’s sobs dissolved.
Soon after, Zayn broke out of Niall’s embrace and refused to meet his gaze. The Irish boy got up for a second and got Zayn a glass of water, which he clenched but didn’t drink.
They sat in silence for the rest of the time, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder and very close but not touching.
“Good night, Zayn.” Niall said when he was leaving but he was met with a wall of silence instead. He closed the door behind him, and made his way to sign out.
“Keep an eye on Zayn, yeah?” He said to Aubrey as he left. She nodded, raising an eye at his tear-stained shirt but he just shrugged before going through the double doors and out into the outside world.
While he trudged home, he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He watched the tears fall onto the concrete, leaving a little trail as he walked. While he was walking, he heard a car stop beside him and he didn’t think anything of it until Niall heard his name being called. He wiped the tears from his face before looking up.
It was Harry and Louis.
“Need a ride somewhere, it’s awfully chilly?” Louis popped his head out of the drivers window. His eyes were unreadable but Niall saw the look on Harry’s face and he knew they knew he was crying. He just nodded before getting into the backseat.
“My house? I can give you directions.” He said.
“No need, I know where it is.” Harry looked unsurprised by that fact and instead he turned around to Niall.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, fine.”
He nodded and left it at that. The car ride was silent, but it wasn’t awkward. Niall just stared out the window while Louis and Harry exchanged glances. When they pulled up to his house, Louis stopped him before he got out of the car.
“What time do you normally finish from the clinic?” (Small town, everyone knew that Niall worked at the clinic almost every evening).
“7 usually.” He replied.
“What days?”
“Almost every day.”
“Right, so you’ll give me a call or something when you finish then? And I can come around and pick you up.”
“Um, you don’t have to. It was very nice that you did it this time but—”
“Please?” Louis asked and Niall could hear the slight beg in his voice. So he just nodded and smiled at Harry before thanking Louis and getting out of the car.
They waited till he was inside the house before driving off.
“Who gave you a ride?” Maura asked when he got into the house.
“Louis did. And apparently, he’s going to be doing it more often too.”
“Oh,” Maura smiled and went back into the kitchen to finish fixing dinner.
Niall stood in the doorway, not taking off his shoes or anything. Suddenly, the walls seemed to be moving in on him. His eyes darted back and forth and suddenly; the staircase seemed to be moving towards him too. He felt his temperature rise, sweat started to form on his pale skin. His mouth went dry. He couldn’t be in this house anymore.
“Mom?” Niall called, still standing in the doorway. “Do you mind if I go out?”
“Right now?” She asked, confused. “You just got home?”
“Y-yeah, quick errand.” He edged back to the door. She just blinked and nodded and Niall flew out the door.
He took off running, for no reason, through the streets and down some ally ways. He passed by the school, breathing heavily and feet hitting the pavement hard. He took a sharp turn, not caring where he went. But eventually, something in his chest started to hurt so he slowed down and before he knew it, he was speed walking towards the Tomlinson house.
It wasn’t late, but Niall still called Louis. He didn’t know what was happening, he just felt so many emotions welling up in his chest he felt like he was going to burst. And he really didn’t know who to turn too, Friday was Liam and Sophia’s date night so they were out. Zayn was in the hospital. Louis had already seen him cry once today, how much damage could this do?
“Niall?”
“I’m outside,” He whispered into the phone.
Louis didn’t say anything else except he hung up the phone but Niall saw the flicker of the lights go off in a room and after a few seconds, the door opened and Louis came outside.
They stood on Louis’s front lawn, staring at each other as the sun went down.
“Are you alright, mate?” Louis said, taking a step forward and putting an arm around him.
“I don’t know, I just,” Niall said, trying to blink the tears, “It’s been a weird day and…”
“C’mon,” Louis said, tugging at him and taking him towards his car. He opened the passenger door for Niall and walked to the driver’s side. He got inside and said, “Let’s drive aimlessly around. You can talk to me or you can stay silent, doesn’t matter. Let’s just get you out of your head.”
“Thanks Louis,”
“Of course.” He said as he started the engine and backed out of the driveway. Niall was silent for about five minutes before he said,
“Why did you show up at my house that day?”
The car was silent, except for the clicking turn signal. Once Louis made the turn onto the highway, he opened his mouth to answer Niall.
“I’m trying to get used to the idea of my Dad dating. I thought you might have the similar problem…but you were so calm and collected. I just, I needed someone to talk to about it, I guess.”
“You can talk to me.”
Louis nodded, “I just, I know my mom wasn’t good for him. I know that. But like, there’s still a very large part of me that wants them to get back together. Have my family together; let the girls see the loving, caring, wonderful and warm side of my mother that I got for a little bit. Not this, new crazy bitch who calls herself my mother. Yeah, she wears the same skin but she’s…”
Niall was silent for a while, “I know how you feel. About the not wanting him to date. I felt like that when I was a child, with my mom. She would go out, leave me with a very nice babysitter and everything but I felt this…feeling. It felt wrong.” He paused, “I used to scream and shout at her, it was a rough time. Finally, I told her. I didn’t like it. Why couldn’t she just find my father? What was wrong with him that they didn’t get married? Where is he?” He bit his lip as the tears started to stream down his face, “She never answered the questions and just replied that I was being selfish. And as I grew older, I realized she was right. So around, 14 I gave her my ‘blessing’. It still rubs me slightly the wrong way, but you have to forget what you’re feeling because if there was a way, he would be with her. And vice versa.”
Louis nodded again, “I know you’re right. I know it in my brain but my heart… and Maura is lovely. She came into the bookshop and I wanted, Niall trust me, I wanted to like her. But as friendly as I was being…it all felt very fake.”
Niall looked at him, wiping the tears from his face, “It takes time. And Mum’ll understand. She’s not unaccustomed to that feeling.”
Louis pressed the accelerator slightly harder and the car jerked into a faster speed. Again, the silence lapsed over them.
After about 10 minutes, Louis asked, “Why did you show up today?”
Niall pressed his head against the window, “I just got home and suddenly, and everything felt like it was closing in on me. So I got out of the house and started running and before I knew it, I was standing on your lawn.”
The feathered haired boy turned to him. “Was everything okay when you left the clinic today?”
“…No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Niall pressure his head harder against the cold glass.
Louis got back onto the main roads and started up towards Niall’s. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah. Thank you.”
“I’m here for you Niall, even if this thing with our parents doesn’t work out. I’m still here for you.”
Niall turned to Louis, “Yeah, same goes for me.”
Louis stopped in front of Niall’s car and he turned to him. He smiled so genuinely at the Irish native that for a second, everything in Niall’s head cleared away. Niall smiled back, with the same positivity.
He leaned over and hugged the Doncaster boy before slipping out of the car and walking towards the front door. He knew he had some serious explaining to do.
Like the afternoon, Louis waited till Niall was inside and then for a minute extra to make sure he wasn’t going to bolt again. Then, he turned out of the driveway, feeling a little bit more secure in his skin then he had the past few days.
*
Niall didn’t go to the clinic on Saturday or Sunday. Instead, he spent the time in his room writing song after song. Every song though, landed him right back to the Bradford boy and his sparkling eyes.
He worked Zayn’s verses into the song he had been writing for the last couple of days, which he titled Right Now (he slightly altered the words Zayn had given him to make it fit better). He loved strumming his hands through the chords, they changed so perfectly and the words flew right out of his mouth once he added in the new lyrics.
He started to run through the song just as Liam pulled up to the house.
Liam walked up the stairs and heard Niall’s voice. He pushed open the door slightly, and watched the blond just as Maura did.
“Don’t try to make me stay
Or ask if I’m okay
I don’t have the answer
Don’t make me stay the night
Or ask if I’m alright
I don’t have the answer.
Heartache doesn’t last forever
I’ll say I’m fine
Midnight ain’t no time for laughing
When you say goodbye.
It makes your lips so kissable
And your kiss unmissable
Your fingertips so touchable
And your eyes irresistible.”
His hand fell from the guitar and that’s when Liam started to clap softly. Niall’s guitar fell from his lap and he turned around in shock.
“How long?”
“Just a little bit, but that song… Niall, that was wonderful.” Liam said, coming into the room. “Truly, beautiful. You should perform it at the café.”
“I…” He said, “No. No. No one is every going to hear that song.”
“What why? Niall it’s—”
“Did you come here for something, Liam?” Niall’s voice turned cold as he turned away from the brunette.
“Yeah, um, want to get some lunch? Soph’s out so, she won’t be joining us.”
“Sure,” Niall said, “Let me change.”
*
They pulled up at a little café in the corner of town which was Niall’s favourite. They got out of the car in silence. When they walked in, Niall immediately spotted Louis and Harry sitting at a booth in the back, leaning very close to each other.
They got seated at a table near by to the two other boys and Niall tried to avoid eye contact as much as possible. But as they were giving their order to their waitress, who was blatantly flirting with Liam who just kept smiling, Harry’s head popped up.
“Niall!” He hollered happily at him. “Come sit with us!”
Niall and Liam turned to the two boys, Harry was grinning madly and Louis had a very calm yet warm expression on his face. He waved them forward, sitting back in the booth and smiling as they approach. Harry motioned to their waitress that Niall and Liam would be sitting with them now.
The boys shifted over so that Niall could sit beside Louis, Louis across Harry and Harry beside Liam.
“How are you both?” Harry asked, looking back and forth between the two.
“Fine thanks,” Niall replied. Niall’s fingers were gripping the edges of the table and Louis placed his hand beside Niall’s. He started tapping on his knuckles when Liam started talking.
“Great, how are you both?” He asked.
“Oh just wonderful,” Harry answered for both of them. “Liam, where is that beautiful girlfriend of yours…Sophia?”
“Oh she had some errands to run with her mother today.”
“Oh such a pity, I would’ve liked to get to know her better. Damn Liam, you are one lucky guy… and lucky that I’m 100% gay or else you’d have some competition.”
Liam just laughed and Niall turned to Harry, “You’re gay?”
“Yeah,” Harry said easily, “And I know you are too and so is our buddy Louis here.”
“Nice, refer to your boyfriend as buddy.” Louis said dryly. He turned to Niall, “Most people riddle out that Harry is gay, I mean, look at him,” He smiled at Niall, “We just avoid the question all together. That way, no one can…well, you know.” Niall knew.
Liam looked surprised, “I didn’t know you two were dating.”
“Oh, Liam, I’ve come a long way for a boy pining for his best friend.” Harry chuckled and Liam just looked embarrassed. Louis just smiled and kept tapping at Niall’s fingers. Slowly, he started to relax a little bit.
Their food came and Louis and Harry ordered some more food just to keep the two companies while they ate.
“This coffee is perfection,” Louis said, taking a sip. “Like absolutely perfection.” He smiled.
“Ahem, I’m sitting right here,” Harry kicked his shine lightly.
“Sorry darlin’,” Louis smiled at him, “But take a sip, you’ll see.” Harry took the cup from Louis.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Harry grumbled, “Louis’s a coffee enthusiast.”
“So is Liam,” Niall said, looking over to the other boy. He nodded at Louis.
“We should go coffee shop hopping one day,” Louis said, leaning over, “It’ll be fun actually having coffee with someone who appreciates it.” He gave Harry a little glance. Harry shrugged.
“Niall, we’ll go bar hopping while these two are drinking their fill of caffeine.” Harry smiled.
“Oh yes, that I can agree too.” Niall smiled. They shook on it.
The rest of the afternoon passed in the same fashion. When they were done with lunch, they left their parked cars and walked around town, talking about light topics and joking around. By the end of the afternoon, Niall felt totally at ease.
“This was fun,” Harry said as they walked back to their cars, “We should do it again sometime.”
“Yes, for sure,” Niall said and meant it. They hugged before getting into their cars and driving off.
“See that wasn’t too bad. I knew lunch would cheer you up.”
“Harry liked you?” Niall suddenly blurted out.
Liam sighed, “Yes. That’s why we sort of stopped being friends. I was fine with it, really I am. But he started to get all weird about it, he was convinced that we couldn’t be friends anymore. It broke my heart but I told him if he needed to do that, then…” He sighed again, “We stayed friendly, you’ve seen our friendship the past few years. But I never thought we could be friends like how we used to be. But maybe we can now.” He was smiling, smiling so brightly that Niall knew he was extremely happy.
“Good. I like Harry, he’s a swell bloke.” Niall said when they stopped in front of his house.
“Yeah, he is…isn’t he?” Liam hugged Niall, “But seriously, about that song. It’s really good. Play it sometime.”
“Liam.”
“Just, pretend you’re listening to what I’m saying.” He said as Niall got out of the car. Niall waved from the doorway as Liam took off before entering the house.
Niall got inside the house and he was greeted with his mother and Jack sitting and having coffee.
“Niall!” She smiled brightly as she bounced over to the front door. “Jack was just in the neighborhood and decided to stop in. How nice?”
She dragged Niall into the living room where they were sitting. The TV was on, but the volume was low. Jack stood up right away when Niall walked in. He was in a casual outfit, but Niall could tell it had been chosen specifically and carefully. He smiled at Niall, holding out his hand.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Niall,” He said in a burly voice. Niall gripped his hand tightly and gave it a nice, firm shake. His mother always told him that a firm handshake is how people will remember you.
“Nice to meet you too,” Niall said back, nicely. He gestured for Jack to sit and he did. Niall sat on the armchair across from them. His mother looked slightly worried but Niall was at ease.
“How was your lunch with Liam?” She asked, her voice slightly rose.
“It was good. At my fill so I may not actually have dinner tonight. We, ah, met Louis and Harry at the café too.”
“Oh how nice,” Jack said, leaning back. He kept a respectful distance from Maura which Niall appreciated. Not all of his Mom’s boyfriends were this nice. “Those two are quite a pair, aren’t they?”
“It’s like their made for each other.” Niall replied, smiling.
“Yeah, it does seem like that.” Jack glanced slightly over at Maura who just smiled and giggled.
“Harry and Louis are dating?” She said, “Oh I had no idea. And this is a small town, everyone knows everything.”
Jack laughed, “Well, if Louis has one talent it’s hiding things from the masses. I didn’t even know for the longest time. But Harry’s a good bloke, I like him.”
“Yeah, he’s a solid fellow,” Niall replied. “Louis is too.” Niall added after a second. “He’s offered to drive me from the clinic at night.”
“Oh?” Jack said, surprised, “Lovely.” He paused, “How is your volunteering going at the clinic?”
“It’s good,” Niall felt something shifting in his heart. “It’s tough, you know. I can come in and stay for as long as I like but they are there for life. And some of the cases in there…” Zayn’s face popped up in Niall’s head and he pushed it out of the way before he started crying in front of another Tomlinson. “It’s just very heartbreaking.”
“I can imagine.” Jack said, “I’ve always wanted to volunteer there but… I’m so busy. Do you go on weekends?”
“No,” Niall replied, “Just after school.”
“Oh,” Jack said, “Do you think one day I can come with you?”
Niall hesitated, “If you’re serious about it, then… I’ll talk to Aubrey about it.”
“I am,” Jack said.
Niall smiled at him, “I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”
*
When Niall arrived at the clinic the next day, he felt weird. Something inside him made the pen he was signing in with heavy and feet willed him not to go forward and through the double doors.
When he got through them, Aubrey looked at Niall.
“Zayn’s busy right now, Niall.”
“Busy?”
“His parent’s came.” Her voice was hush and Niall saw her eyes dart to the visitors room. The walls were glass so that everyone could view what was happening, in case something happened. Niall’s eyes fixed on the scene.
A man and a woman sat across from Zayn. There hands were folded in front of them. The woman was talking and Zayn was staring at his hands that were lying flat in front of him. Zayn’s body language was a mix of uncomfortable-ness and hostility. Niall edged closer, pretending to read a magazine but his eyes were fixed on Zayn.
Zayn’s jaw locked when the woman finished talking. He did not look up when his lips were moving. The man cut Zayn off, raising one hand to shush him. Zayn’s right hand clenched but it did not raise off the table.
“Niall,” Aubrey called from down the hall, “You’re getting too close.”
Niall stopped edging towards them and headed back towards the desk. He pressed his lips together. “How often do they visit?”
“First time since they left him here, five years ago.” She whispered.
“Why now?”
Aubrey just looked down the hallway, “On Friday, after you left he… took the book and started scribbling and ripping the pages, it was a flurry of emotion and motion in that room.” She paused, “The book is in tatters now and the whole episode ended in him crying and screaming. He hasn’t gone near windows the past two days, so the doctors called his parents. It was quite terrifying, it’s a good thing you got out.”
Aubrey opened the drawer and pulled out the moleskin notebook. The pages were jagged and ripped, there was even a tear in the leather cover. He felt the pages, flipping through them.
There were words scattered on the pages but none of them were written in a way that Niall could figure out what they said. But there were drawings, lost of drawings. Niall recognized his fingers or half his face. They were beautiful, beautiful half sketches.
Niall was so mesmerized by the drawings that he didn’t noticed when Zayn’s parents got up from the sitting room. But then he heard the clicking noise of heels on the stone floor and his head popped up.
His father and mother were both dressed nicely, in long coats and black gloves. They’re expression reminded Niall of when he was little and his mother reprimanded him. Behind them, Zayn was walking with his head held down. He didn’t even make eye contact with them when they loosely hugged him goodbye.
The only time he looked up was when he saw Niall, and saw the notebook lying beside the blond boy. He looked scared and started to tremble as he quickens his pace to his room. He closed the door gently behind him.
Niall stood there for a moment, feeling hurt, and Aubrey put her hand on his shoulder. “Go home, Niall.”
So he did. He called Louis and Louis picked him up.
They didn’t talk about why Niall was leaving and Niall didn’t look up to see Zayn staring at him from the window bench.
*
“You’re home early!” Maura greeted Niall at the door. She was getting ready for her date with Jack so he stepped out of her way and kissed her cheek.
“Yeah, they didn’t need me today.” He said, sounding a bit hurt.
“Oh,” She said, “Well, I’ve made dinner and you’re welcome to invite your friends over.” She smiled at him, and handed him an envelope. “This came today. And I’ve been very good and haven’t opened it.”
He laughed and took it. It was from Berklee, college of Music. His heart stopped, if it was a rejection, he didn’t know what he would do. He set it down on the bed, staring at it.
“Well?” Maura asked, as she applied her lipstick. She saw Niall staring at it, so she walked out of the bathroom and sat across from him and the letter.
“Darling, no matter what, you know this doesn’t define your talent? You’re still a very talented musician and there are other schools. You can take a gap year and reapply, I know I’d love to have you around the house.” She squeezed Niall’s hand. “No matter what, you’re going to be okay.”
She slid the letter towards him, prodding him to open it. He took a breath, picking up the envelope and tore it open.
Dear Mr. Horan,
Congratulations! On behalf of the Admissions Committee, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the graduating class of 2019…
He stopped reading and started jumping up and down.
“MUM I DID IT! I DID IT!” He screamed. She let out a little “WHOOP” before jumping up and down with him too.
“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” She screamed, hugging him. “Oh, Niall, I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU!” She pranced all the way back to the bathroom to finish her makeup. “Oh my son is going to become a musician! I am so proud!” She finished getting ready and Niall lay down on her bed, smiling.
“Do you want me to cancel, darling? We can go out and celebrate?” She asked when she emerged from the bathroom.
“No, no,” He said, sitting up straight. “I’ll invite Liam and Sophia over and we’ll celebrate ourselves. Don’t worry, have fun Mum! I think he’s here.”
“Invite Harry and Louis too.” She said, smiling and giving him a big kiss on the cheek before she disappeared down the stairs and out the door. She was bouncing all the way to the car, yelling, “MY SON GOT INTO BERKLEE HE GOT INTO BERKLEE!”
Jack shouted from downstairs, “CONGRADULATIONS NIALL!” And the Irishman waved from the window.
He went back to his room to call Liam, but something was nagging at him. He wanted to tell Zayn. He didn’t know what his feelings were for Zayn, but he wanted him to know. He wanted to celebrate with him.
He grabbed his coat, the letter and guitar and left the house.
*
He got to the clinic and signed in. Aubrey looked at him confused.
“I need to see Zayn.” Niall said quietly. She pursed her lips.
“Only a few minutes, today hasn’t been a good day for him.” He nodded and she led him down the hallway to Zayn’s room. She knocked first, and said,
“Zayn there is someone here to see you.”
The door opened slightly and Niall carefully pushed his way into the room. Zayn stared at him, slightly hostile.
“I,” Niall started, but then he chocked on his words. So he cleared his throat and tried again. “I got some news today.”
Zayn didn’t say anything, but continued to stare at him. He could see the tears in his eyes.
“I’ll be starting Berklee in the fall.”
Zayn blinked and a tear fell but he quickly turned that Niall almost missed it. “Congratulations.” He crocked out.
“I wanted, um, to play you a song. If that’s okay?” Niall said. He sat down at the edge of Zayn’s bed and placed the guitar on his lap.
Zayn nodded curtly, still not facing Niall.
He started strumming and he closed his eyes as he sung.
“Don’t try to make me stay
Or ask if I’m okay
I don’t have the answer
Don’t make me stay the night
Or ask if I’m alright
I don’t have the answer.
Heartache doesn’t last forever
I’ll say I’m fine
Midnight ain’t no time for laughing
When you say goodbye.
It makes your lips so kissable
And your kiss unmissable
Your fingertips so touchable
And your eyes irresistible.
I’ve tried to ask myself
Should I see someone else?
I wish I knew the answer.
But I know, if I go now, if I leave
Then I’m on my own tonight
I’ll never know the answer.
Midnight doesn’t last forever
Dark turns to light
Heartache flips my world around
I’m falling down, down, down
That’s why.
I finish your lips so kissable
And your kiss unmissable
Your fingertips so touchable
And your eyes irresistible.
It’s in your lips and in your kiss
It’s in your touch and your fingertips
And it’s in all the things and other things
That make you who you are and your eyes irresistible.
It makes your lips to kissable
And your kiss unmissable
Your fingertips so touchable
And your eyes
Irresistible.”
Somewhere during the song, Zayn had turned around and was facing Niall. When Niall opened his eyes, Zayn was standing in front of him. Niall stood and placed the guitar on the bed and tugged at Zayn’s shirt. He pulled him forward and before he could stop himself, he kissed him. He kissed him like the way he wanted to that first night.
But this kiss, like the other one, was bittersweet.
Niall pulled away and Zayn took a step back.
“You added my words,” Zayn said softly.
“Yes. You asked me to, so I did.”
“Thank you.” He said, voice the same level. “You’ll be a good musician.”
“You’ll get better.” Niall raised his chin so that Zayn’s eyes met his, “You will.”
Zayn just nodded, before handing him his guitar.
“Don’t forget me when you’re famous.” He said, as Niall walked through the door.
“I won’t. And I hope to see you out there, one day.” Niall turned to look at him. Zayn just nodded and smiled. He watched as Niall exited through the double doors for the last time.
Then he ran to his window seat and watched the blond boy walk into the night, knowing it was the last time that he would ever see the Irish boy again. Tears started to stream down his cheeks when he could no longer see Niall anymore.
He wrapped himself so tightly in his blanket, trying to remember every lyric that Niall sung to him and the way Niall’s lips felt against his.
In the morning when he woke, Aubrey handed him a new journal at breakfast.
“Don’t destroy this one like you did the last one,” She smiled sadly, “It’ll probably be the last journal you get.”
Zayn flipped open the book to start drawing but on the first page, Niall had scrawled
It’s in your lips and in your kiss
It’s in your touch and your fingertips
And it’s in all the things and other things
That makes you who you are.
Zayn’s heart fluttered for a second as he hugged the book to his chest. After breakfast, he went to the window seat hoping that Niall would show up in the afternoon. He kept watched like an alert guard dog. But sadly, when the clock struck 3:30 and no bouncy, blond boy came through the doors Zayn knew that last night was a goodbye.
He wouldn’t be back, he had other things to focus on now. He was leaving and it was probably better that he didn’t come back for the rest of the year.
Zayn went to his room and wrapped himself in the blankets.
How funny. He thought. That even secure in these four walls, the outside world has still managed to hurt me.
Then, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.