Chapter Text
“Instead of beating me up
You should be giving me hope
Instead of bringing me down, way down
You should be lifting me up
Instead of starting a fire,
You should be heating things up
I'd never leave you there screaming for my love"
- the Aqueduct
The incessant ringing of the doorbell almost makes Tetsuo fall off the couch. He yawns, rubs his eyes and instantly reaches for his phone, until he remembers he has no idea where he put it. What time is it?
Someone rings again. He pulls himself up until he’s fully seated, a mess of of weed, filters and rolling papers on the table before him. He’s just about to go back ignoring any sign of human contact from the outside like he’s been doing for almost two days, when he hears knocking.
“I know you’re in there” says a familiar voice from behind the door.
His heart leaps into his throat. He knew he would’ve come sooner or later. He walks to the door and takes a deep breath.
‘Get your shit together’ he tells himself.
The sight behind the door, he knows by heart: his best friend leaning against the doorframe and uselessly trying to look like he was just passing by, with that toothy, exaggerated but never fake grin he usually uses when he’s trying to convey the message that he comes in peace – and coincidentally, he never does.
“You’re alive!” he says triumphantly.
“What are you doing here?”
Despite being upset at him for showing up uninvited, Tetsuo regrets his words the moment he utters them. But Kaneda seems too happy to see him to mind, which only makes him feel more guilty.
“Glad to see you, too” he chuckles. “Did I interrupt the night jerk-off session, by any chance?”
“Come in, you idiot”
He closes the door behind Kaneda and leans his back against it, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his sweater. He watches him taking a few step forward and looking around the room like the nosy pain in the neck he is.
“Ah!” Kaneda points at the weed and papers on the table and turns to him. “I did interrupt something”
Only now does Tetsuo remember what he was doing before passing out – or what he’s been doing for the past couple of the days, actually. Kaneda sneers.
“You sly bastard” he says. “Looks like you’re not running as low as you always say you are”
Tetsuo lowers his gaze. He can feel himself blushing. Damn it. Sometimes he thinks he’s becoming Kaori. Maybe spending so much time with her is a bad influence.
“Do you need something?”
Kaneda’s face loses all sarcasm.
“Just wanted to know how you were doing” he confesses.
Tetsuo’s whole body stiffens. Of fucking course he came here to know how he’s doing. Damn Kaneda. Always trying to check on him, as if he were a ticking time bomb on the loose. He knows why he came here. And it’s not because he’s been missing from school.
“Couldn’t you have called?”
“I did. Four times”
Tetsuo frowns and scans the entire room with his eyes. Once he’s spotted his phone under the couch, he walks past Kaneda and kneels down to grab it. As expected, it’s dead. Probably has been for days. He sighs in annoyance and gets up, Kaneda’s gaze piercing from behind.
“You didn’t come to Haruki-ya”
Tetsuo tightens his lips. There it is.
“I mean,” adds Kaneda, “skipping school is fine. Skipping drinks, on the other hand…”
His voice hides an anxiety that Tetsuo cannot explain. Something’s wrong with Kaneda, as if somehow he already knows the truth, and Tetsuo doesn’t like it. If there’s one thing he hates, it’s feeling cornered, and that’s exactly what Kaneda is doing now, unintentionally or not. So he tries to chill and look at him as coldly as he would a stranger. He doesn’t have to answer. He doesn’t owe him shit.
“I'm fine,” he says, dryly. “No need to bother coming by”
A shadow falls over Kaneda’s face, and Tetsuo knows he has hurt his pride. The crueler part of him rejoices; the other, if possible, is even more hurt than Kaneda is. He expects all of this to end in a fight. He almost hopes it will.
“Good to know. See you then” says Kaneda, right before turning his back on him and heading to the door.
Tetsuo barely affords himself a second to sink in shame, then he desperately pushes his pride as down as he can.
“Wait” he says.
Kaneda stops and turns his head just enough to look at him over his shoulder. Tetsuo notices quite worriedly how there’s no sign of the challenging look Kaneda usually gives him when he wants to defy him, a game only the two of them understand. He’s just staring blankly at him like he expects nothing from him anymore and maybe, after years of drifting apart, he really doesn’t. And Tetsuo can’t stand it.
‘Say something’ he thinks. ‘Fucking talk to him’
He looks down, hoping for the ground to swallow him whole so he can reach the hell he belongs to. “You’re...” he tries, faintly. “Sit down for a while”
If Kaneda were to refuse his pathetic attempt to fix this, it would be a humiliation and a defeat, but Tetsuo accepts it. Kaneda has the right and the power to do so. Truth is, Kaneda can do whatever he wants to him.
But Kaneda also knows when to be magnanimous. There’s a reason he’s the leader, after all. So he takes his hand off the handle, and Tetsuo watches his face relax with a relief that’s almost embarrassing.
“Want a beer?” he says.
“Sure”
They sit on the couch, farther from each other than necessary. Tetsuo only now realizes he hasn’t had Kaneda over for a long, long time, and he can’t remember the last time he was over at Kaneda’s.
He grabs a paper and hands it to Kaneda, who raises an eyebrow at him.
“... It’s not like you to be so generous”
“I’m not offering. I need help rolling”
“That’s better”
Kaneda pulls the table nearer and they get to work.
“It’s fucking crazy out there” Kaneda says suddenly. “Those idiots aren’t tired of demonstrating yet. Can you believe that?”
Tetsuo can’t say he’s surprised. He’s been hearing screams, gunfire and explosions coming for hours, way before falling asleep on the couch. He wonders what those people are still fighting for, and how is it possible that they’re not tired of demanding rights they will never be granted.
“That bad, uh?” he asks.
“Worse than usual. All roads are barred”
They spend a few more minutes in silence, except for the bag of weed crumpling in on itself under their hands and then the sirens from afar. A ceaseless background. The soundtrack of Neo-Tokyo. Kaneda seals another joint with one last lap and stretches out his legs with a yawn.
“Tired already?” Tetsuo smirks.
Kaneda gives him the finger, pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket and walks out onto the balcony.
Tetsuo allows himself to admire Kaneda furtively, as he has become accustomed to doing. He watches him light a cigarette, inhale and cross his arms on the railing, looking up and down the street. He almost looks ethereal in the moonlight. People tend to barricade themselves indoors during nights like this. Only Kaneda can think of confronting such circumstances just to make sure his best friend is okay.
When Tetsuo sees him throw the cigarette off the balcony, he looks away and pretends to be busy.
“Thanks for the beer, big head” says Kaneda with a yawn. An alarm goes off in Tetsuo’s head.
“You’re going home now? With everything that’s going on?”
“The longer I wait, the worse it’ll get”
Tetsuo furrows his brows and looks toward the window. Gunshots and sirens have not subsided and seem to be getting closer. Kaneda hanging around while the army and the police are firing tear gas, beating and arresting whoever dares to cross their path is anything but reassuring.
“I don’t know, Kaneda...”
“Aaaw,” teases Kaneda, “you’re worried about me, Tets?”
Tetsuo glares at him.
“Come on, I’ll be fine! Don’t make that face, it’s not like I live that far—”
A deafening rumble overpowers Kaneda voice and shakes the walls. The entire building falls into darkness in a split second. Kaneda covers his ears instinctively.
“What the shit—”
Before he has the time to express his concern, Tetsuo grabs him by the sleeve and pulls him down on the ground with him. More explosions follow, further than the first but equally violent, combined with broken glasses, lots of yelling and walls crumbling. Tetsuo and Kaneda look at each other briefly, clinging to each other as they try to keep as low as possible. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the explosions cease.
“The fuck was that?” says Kaneda.
Tetsuo takes courage and gets up. It’s Kaneda who grabs him by the sleeve now, but Tetsuo easily slips away from his grip and walks to the window. Kaneda gets up tentatively.
“Did the power go out everywhere?” he asks.
“Total darkness”
“Daaamn…” whines Kaneda, slamming the palm of his hand on his face.
“I told you. You’re staying here tonight” sentences Tetsuo.
Kaneda gets his palm off his face. Tetsuo seems to catch a thrill behind his eyes, but pretends not to see it.
“Uh, are you sure? I can leave as soon as the power comes back on”
“You must be dumber than I thought if you believe they’re gonna put it back on anytime sooner than three days” sighs Tetsuo.
“... Right” Kaneda scratches the back of his head. “That sucks, huh?”
“It’s Neo-Tokyo. Nothing unusual”
For a while they kill time by rolling joints until the bag is empty, talking shit between silences. It’s intimate, in a way. And pleasant, too. But it’s only been twenty minutes, and they’re both starting to feel like they’re going crazy. They don’t feel like going to sleep yet, so they have another beer, share a joint, and finally move to Tetsuo’s room. The only light comes from the flashlight on Kaneda’s phonem on Tetsuo’s nightstand.
Tetsuo sits cross-legged on the floor, his back against the bed, while Kaneda takes place on the chair and rests his feet on the desk, deliberately ignoring Tetsuo’s glare. He lent him a pajama, but it fits a little short over Kaneda’s ankles. He must be a bit cold, but he doesn’t complain about it. He keeps flicking the lighter impatiently and casting glances at Tetsuo’s TV and his pile of VHS and video games, as if staring at them could bring the power back. He asked what they could do three times now, and for three times Tetsuo said he had no idea.
“How about we play truth or dare?”
It’s Kaneda who suggests it. Just like that. Tetsuo frowns skeptically.
“What are we, twelve?”
“Ehy, if you have a better idea, feel free to share”
Tetsuo thinks about it for a while. They’re really running out of options.
“I guess it’s fine... But what do we do with dares if we’re locked in here?”
“We’ll put them into practice starting tomorrow”
“You think we’re going to remember all of them?”
“One more reason to make them memorable”
Tetsuo has no idea why, but he has a bad feeling about this. Awful, actually.
‘Just say no,’ his conscience suggests. ‘Don’t risk it’
“Okay” he says instead. “You start”
Kaneda smiles slyly, and Tetsuo’s already regretting all of it.
“Truth or dare?” asks Kaneda.
“Dare”
“That’s what I’m talking about”
Kaneda stares at the ceiling for a long time. “We’ve just started, so I’ll be kind: I dare you to graffiti the monument in front of the school in the morning”
Tetsuo looks at him as if he had sprouted another head.
“... With markers?”
“No, with cum. Yeah, idiot, with markers”
“Oh, come on” groans Tetsuo. “You think this is kind? They just cleaned it up! They’ll have me do it this time, and not just that but the whole school—”
He stops before Kaneda’s cold, wry stare – which is everything that Tetsuo has come to hate about his best friend.
“Stop playing if you’re chicken”, is all he says to him.
Tetsuo swallows the knot in his throat and glares at him. He has to take a deep breath to keep his cool nd not kick the chair Kaneda’s sitting so he falls flat on his ass.
“I hate you,” he mutters.
“I know” replies Kaneda with a satisfied smile. “My turn. Dare” He puts a cigarette between his lips and hands another to Tetsuo. Tetsuo lights his and inhales, scratching his eyebrow with his thumbnail. This is his chance to get even, so he takes his time.
“Committ to it, Shima. Try to be meaner than me” says Kaneda like he’s having the time of his life.
A cruel grin spreads across Tetsuo’s face. Serves him right.
“I dare you to go see Akane tomorrow”
Kaneda chokes on the smoke.
“I said ‘meaner’, not ‘ruthless’!” he protests once he recovers.
“Why so desperate, Kaneda? I thought you guys parted on good terms” asks Tetsuo smugly.
“I almost knocked her up!”
“But it didn’t happen”
“No, but she still hates me!”
It’s always a sight to see him worried about something other than his bike, and Tetsuo doesn’t even try to hide his satisfaction. Kaneda is still trying to come to terms with it.
“And what am I supposed to tell her anyway?”
“Tell her we want some candies. She was always so prodigal when you asked her”
Tetsuo would suggest him to use the same old infallible methods – the ones that Kaneda use to brag about with Tetsuo and the rest of the group, as if he were screwing a 2D girl from one of the hentais from their teenage years –, if the jealousy that overwhelms him whenever he’s reminded of that time didn’t risk betraying him.
“You mean, I’m supposed to pretend that she didn’t threaten me to make me swallow all the meds she had in stock if I ever showed up again?”
Tetsuo blows out the smoke.
“Pretty much, yeah”
“Please. I’m serious. Anything but this”
“Stop playing if you’re chicken”
Kaneda’s face changes completely. Tetsuo stares back without any fear, and after a few seconds they’re both laughing out loud, as if nothing happened. Kaneda shakes his head.
“You sadistic bastard” he laughs.
“I learned from you”
Tetsuo had never realized how much he missed this before. Staring at each other like they’re about to throw fists, until they give in and laugh instead. It’s one of their habits, or at least it used to be. He wonders why they stopped. He wonders why they stopped doing a lot of things. The only thing that stayed the same is Tetsuo wondering which bizarre twist of fate had Kaneda wanting to be his best friend, and why Kaneda, so slippery and distant, so far up above anyone else, ever chose him among their peers. Why they felt closer to each other than to anyone in the world.
“Truth or dare?” asks Kaneda.
“Truth”
“When I was in bed with mono last month...”
‘Oh, shit’ thinks Tetsuo.
“...did you ride my bike?”
Tetsuo pouts in annoyance, shifting his gaze everywhere in the room but toward his best friend.
“Only a couple of times,” he mutters.
He makes the mistake of meeting his eyes and Kaneda, the asshole, doesn’t misses the chance: he leans forward to read him better, dead serious. “What was that?” he says.
“... Maybe four or five”
“I fucking knew it!”
Kaneda keeps whining about that outrage for quite some time, but Tetsuo is used to it, so he gives up trying to defend himself. He just lets his best friend vent with a look that seems to ask, ‘Are you done?’. Once Kaneda stops bitching, the game resumes.
“Truth or dare?” asks Tetsuo.
“Dare”
“I dare you to take a shit in Jaws’ drawers”
“Piece of cake” is Kaneda’s nonchalant reply. “In fact, he might as well eat it. Truth or dare?”
“Truth”
For the first time since they started playing, Tetsuo catches a spark that’s far from good in Kaneda’s eyes. Kaneda takes a long drag from his cigarette. He must be aware he’s about to enter a dangerous ground, but he doesn’t let it stop him.
“Why did you and Kaori break up?”
... Well, it could have been worse. But it still sucks. Tetsuo sighs and counts to three.
“You already know why”
“No. I know what you told everyone, but I don’t know the truth. Which is why I’m asking you”
Tetsuo leans his head back on the bed and keeps his eyes closed as he confesses the truth, or rather, half the truth:
“We didn’t like each other like that anymore”
“But you stayed friends. How can you guys do that?”
“You can be friends with a girl without fucking her, but I guess it’s something you were never capable of”
Kaneda loses his verve in a second, totally caught off guard. Tetsuo uses those two seconds to change the subject hurriedly.
“You just asked me two questions” he points out, “so I get to ask you two as well”
“Double dare, then”
“Okay. First, I dare you to buy me drinks every night for a week”
“Three days”
“Six”
“Four. Final offer”
“Final offer my ass, I’m the one who gets to decide! Six days. And I dare you to let me ride your bike...”
“Forget it”
“... just around the school! Then it’s all yours”
“It already is! Are you out of your mind?”
“Once a day, no more”
Kaneda takes a deep breath and looks around, as if looking for a weapon he can take out his anger through.
“I’m starting to regret this,” he sighs, putting out his cigarette in the ashtray. “For how long?”
“A month”
This right here is a face that he has never, ever seen on Kaneda. The look of pure despair. Eyes wide open, unable to make any sound. Tetsuo starts laughing so hard he almost starts crying.
“Two weeks,” Kaneda punctuates slowly, his voice shaking for the trauma that awaits him, “and just because I’m good. Jeez… You’re gonna be the death of me. Truth or dare?”
“Truth”
“Boring” he says, just to keep up the facade. “Where were you the other night?”
It comes like this, right out of the blue. A train that derails all of a sudden and causes a disaster. And Tetsuo gets involved. He should have expected it, but instead he let his friend surprise him. Dammit.
“You were the only one missing” adds Kaneda.
He doesn’t even try to keep his tone neutral. He shows it all: disappointment, curiosity, and something else Tetsuo can’t identify. The only thing he can do is stay calm. Even the slightest hint of hesitation would be enough for Kaneda to know he’s hiding something. He swallows and takes one last drag.
“Where do you think I was? Home. Gimme the ashtray” he answers without looking at him.
Kaneda obliges. “But why did you stay home?”
“What’s with the questioning?” retorts Tetsuo, pressing the cigarette violently next to the other butts, remains from who knows how many days ago. “Besides, you can’t ask me twice in a row!”
“I can, if you ask me twice too”
“I didn’t feel like coming, that’s all”
He places the ashtray on the ground beside him and turns pretty terrified while realizing that Kaneda is not going to insist. He should be pleased, but he can’t. It’s always been like this: he fears any change in Kaneda’s attitude way more than he fears his attitude itself – that, he can handle well. After a few seconds of silence, Tetsuo can’t take it anymore.
“Does my answer not satisfy you?” he ask, trying to sound playful.
“Not much”
It sounds like an admission of weakness, and Tetsuo feels guilty.
“You can ask me two questions if you want”
“It’s fine” Tetsuo answers quickly, as if to take up the slack. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare”
“You can’t choose dare every time”
“... Fair enough. Truth, then”
“If you could make any wish, what would it be?”
Kaneda raises his eyebrows and leans against the back of the chair, his eyes at the ceiling.
“Other than being filthy rich” Tetsuo anticipates him.
“You know me so well” chuckles Kaneda.
Tetsuo knows he won’t be easy for him to answer. Truth is, even in their poor, unealthy and unstable way of life, they’re perfectly fine. They don’t even want many things. They got used to it because it’s the only life they have ever known. And they’re adult enough to know that there are better places than Neo-Tokyo, better people with better lives, but how can they envy someone they’ve never met for something they don’t know?
“Being free”
Tetsuo did not expect this.
“Not happy?” he asks.
Kaneda thinks about it, but the answer comes quickly.
“Nah. Happiness should be temporary, or it wouldn’t have any meaning or value. It’s not like it’s a perpetual state of mind to be conquered and maintained. Freedom, on the other hand. That’s some pretty cool stuff, right?”
Their eyes meet in the middle of the room, and Tetsuo wears he can feel himself falling in love with him all over again, going through the exact same psycho-chemical process as if he had just met him: those fucking butterflies in his stomach, electricity filling the room, magnetic forces attracting them together and other crap that Tetsuo had never even believed in until he found himself experiencing it, all because of the idiot in front of him – not that said idiot ever felt the same way about him, this much is certain.
It’s Kaneda who interrupts... whatever is going on between them.
“Truth or dare?”
“Truth”
“Did you and Kaori do it?”
Tetsuo doesn’t even get angry. He’s too dismayed by his nerve.
“That’s none of your business!”
“I just can’t tell if it’s because you respect her too much to talk about it or if it’s because there’s actually nothing to talk about! Besides, how am I supposed to tease you if you never brag about your shags?”
“You know, strangely enough, that doesn’t entice me to answer at all”
“But we’re playing now, Tets. Too late to back out. I’m not going to comment on anything that you’re going to say, if that’s what you want”
Tetsuo arches an eyebrow. “I don’t believe you’re capable of that”
He sighs and gathers all the patience he has – has learned to have, hanging out with Kaneda.
“We did something, but not that. Happy now?”
Kaneda joins thumb and forefinger and pretends to zip his lips together.
“Truth or dare?” asks Tetsuo.
“Truth”
“Is there anything you’re afraid of?”
Kaneda widens his eyes in surprise. He scratches the back of his head as he always does when he is making an immense effort to think, or when he’s ashamed of something – at this moment, Tetsuo can’t tell which one it is.
“I guess there is, but I can’t think of anything now”
“Make an effort”
Tetsuo manages to grasp the exact moment when Kaneda finds the answer because his face changes imperceptibly, a tiny twitch that Tetsuo would have missed if he didn’t know him by heart.
“There are plenty of things” admits Kaneda.
“Like what?”
“Another war, maybe”
“You think it might happen again?”
Kaneda shrugs.
“Who knows? But if it does, I hope I’ll be dead by then. Truth or dare?”
“Truth”
Kaneda stares at him dead in the eye. “You ever think about your family?”
Tetsuo’s heart sinks. It feels strange, like he’s suddenly regressed to the age of six. A child ceded from one hand to another like cheap merchandise. It’s like the pain he has repressed for a lifetime is flowing in a single knot in his throat, bringing him on the edge of tears. It always happens when he thinks of his mother. That’s why he promised himself years ago not to think about her or anyone in his family ever again.
But the other side of grief is anger, and Tetsuo desperately clings to it as he pushes back the tears before Kaneda can notice them.
“I don’t recall them thinking of me when they dumped me in that hole, twice” he says coldly. “Why would I think about them?”
“Right” Kaneda is silent for a while. “But wouldn’t you have wanted one?”
Tetsuo shrugs.
“Maybe once” he replies. “But I don’t care anymore” Once he’s sure he has some self-control back, he adds: “Do you?”
Kaneda laughs spontaneously.
“I already have one!” he states blatantly. Then he stretches out a foot and plants it right against the younger boy’s nose. “I have that bunch of psychos, and I have you. Am I right, big head?”
The fact that he’s choking on the smell of Kaneda’s socks doesn’t stop Tetsuo from blushing from head to toe. He represses a tingle of fondness, groans in disgust and jerks his foot away abruptly with an slap. He laughs with him and it feels good. He had forgotten how good it feels.
“Truth or dare?” he asks.
“Truth”
“We’ve been choosing truth for a while”
“Yeah, I noticed”
Tetsuo goes through all of the awkward, private and far too sentimental questions he has been waiting to ask him for who knows how long, and soon realizes he can’t really ask him any. It would be too much. It would mean stepping over a potentially dangerous line from which there’d be no going back. Kaneda must notice he’s having trouble, so he lets him take his time. The only thing that comes to Tetsuo’s mind might actually turn out as more uncomfortable for him than for Kaneda, but he decides to say it anyway.
“I make you really mad, don’t I?”
“What do you mean?”
“In general”
Kaneda looks at him between confused and surprised, then shifts his gaze to a corner of the desk like he’s suddenly caught with an existential doubt. Tetsuo stares at him without missing a single movement.
“Nah, you don’t”
Tetsuo barely represses a chuckle. “You were about to say yes, weren’t you?”
“No, I mean it” says Kaneda, eyes to the floor and cheeks suddenly flushed. “We just like to joke around, you and I. It’s what we do”
And his tone is dead serious, but also so fucking soft that Tetsuo feels a sudden physical urge to throw his arms around him and hold him tight and apologize – and so much has happened between them that he doesn’t even know what he should specifically apologize for anymore. Instead, he tightens his lips and keeps all of it to himself.
“Shall we stop asking ‘truth or dare’ and just ask?” suggests Kaneda.
“Sure”
“You ever think about leaving the group?”
Tetsuo looks at him like he’s gone crazy. “What?” he says. “And to join who? The Clowns?”
“Then why do you challenge me all the time?”
“You can’t ask me twice in a row,” Tetsuo wants so much to dismiss him quickly, but now that he’s heard it, he ca’t ignore it. “I only do it when I know I’m right”
“So you think you’re better than me? You want to be in charge?”
“I don’t care about being in charge. That’s not it”
“What is it, then?”
“My turn” repeats Tetsuo. “Why don’t you ever let me lead?”
“I do sometimes”
“Yeah, I can count those times on one hand”
"My turn. I’ll ask again: what is it with you? ‘Cause if you want to be respected, I’m glad to inform you that we already do. Even if we make fun of you, even if we go too far sometimes. You know that, right?”
“Of course I fucking know that”
“Then what’s the matter with you?” insists Kaneda, visibly irritated. “I’m still waiting for an answer!”
‘The problem is you’re all I have, asshole,’ thinks Tetsuo, clenching his fists. ‘You and the others. Everything comes so easy to you guys, but I’m not like that. I’m not like you’
The feeling of not belonging to anyone or any place has followed him all his life, and as he grew up he learned to deal with it, to accept it as a piece of himself, a parasitic twin that’s just impossible to remove. But that doesn’t mean he’s okay with talking about it, and it certainly doesn’t mean he isn’t ashamed of it, even with Kaneda – especially with Kaneda, who has always been the one closest to him and the only one he knows he could tell anything to, if he only found the courage. Even now, the effort he’s making to keep it all in is reaching a peak that he can’t remember ever reaching; there’s a burden on his chest, a knot in his throat and Kaneda’s impatient, inquiring gaze on him. Hard to breathe, in these circumstances.
He keeps his eyes down when he finally answers: “Respect isn’t the same as admiration”
He’s surprised by his own calm in pronouncing those words. After that, silence reigns for what feels like hours to him. Eventually, he sighs and looks at up to Kaneda, who’s already staring at him, with brows furrowed. He doesn’t look angry, though. Far from it. There’s a new awareness in his grave face, soaked in what seems to be... guilt?
Then it’s Kaneda who lowers his gaze.
“I admire you” he says.
Tetsuo lets out a wry tsk. He wonders what on Earth he ever did to deserve to be admired by Kaneda of all people, and why he keeps making fun of him. Kaneda looks up at him again and he must read his mind, because he adds:
“I mean it. And I’m speaking for all of us. Come on, d’you really think we’d still keep you around if we didn’t admire you?”
Tetsuo shrugs, but doesn’t answer.
“Have you ever thought of kicking me out of the group?” he asks.
Kaneda grimaces like he’s dealing with the dumbest person in the world and snorts.
“Shut up”
Tetsuo would like to add that sometimes, when they fight, it seems to him that Kaneda is one step away from doing it, but the other resumes the game before he has the time.
“Are you planning to do it again?”
“Do what again?”
“Challenge me”
“God forbid. Chill, I’m not gonna embarrass you in front of others again”
“It’s not that, Tets—”
“Yeah, I know, I know”
And he didn’t say that just to shut him up. He really gets it. Kaneda is referring to the accident Tetsuo had six months earlier, when he ignored his orders and went ahead, chasing a couple of Clowns all on his own, after which he crashed and was hospitalized for weeks. He knows better than to joke about this with Kaneda, but there’s still a sick tinge of satisfaction in teasing him.
“I won’t” he grants him in a bored tone.
“Look me in the eye and promise. I dare you to promise you won’t chase after death again”
Kaneda’s gaze is serious enough to make Tetsuo re-enter his role of respectful subordinate without much talk. He rolls his eyes and obliges.
“Promise”
Kaneda nods. At this point, Tetsuo starts wondering whether they should go on playing, but it’s his turn now and there is something he’d like to ask, after all. He knows how risky it might turn out – not to mention the pain that the answer might cause him – but he also knows that he won’t get any other chance to be alone with Kaneda, and it’s quite unlikely for them to open up so much to each other. It’s now or never.
‘Oh, fuck it’ he thinks. ‘It’s just a harmless question’
“You like Kei a lot, don’t you?”
He senses a hint of bitterness in his voice, so he tries again, as neutral as he can. “You always had a thing for older girls”
“Mommy issues, I guess” chuckles Kaneda. Then he sighs dramatically. “But I’m afraid she’s a bit too out of my league, you know? She’s giving me a hard time”
“Don’t tell me you fell for the one girl that’s immune to your lordly ways”
“Damn right I did”
Kaneda crosses his arms behind his head and looks up at the ceiling. “Also, she’s in love with someone else and has been since... forever? So, there’s that”
“... Oh”
“But it’s okay. We’re friends”
Then, after a few seconds of looking around casually. “She was there the other night too, you know. At Haruki-ya’s”
Tetsuo stiffens from head to toe. “I know” he mutters, without looking at him. “I remember you saying she would be”
The silence they sink in is filled with so much, but Tetsuo can’t really make out anything. He just knows it’s fucking heavy. Too damn heavy. And in the end, Kaneda drops the subject he feared the most: “Why weren’t you there?”
He wishes to disappear, but he has no right. He knew what he was getting into when he brought up Kei. He dug his own grave, and deserves to die in it.
“Dare” he says abruptly.
“That option expired a while ago, you know?”
“Says who? I already gave you an answer anyway”
“No, you didn’t. I asked where you were and you said you were home, but I didn’t ask why”
“And why’s that that you have to know everything all the time?”
“I don’t wanna know everything! I just want the truth”
“Actually, I said ‘dare’”
“Oh fucking hell, Tets, come on”
“In fact, why did you have to bring me into this?” snaps Tetsuo angrily. “It was about her, right?”
“’Cause I’m not entirely blind and I see a fucking pattern!”
“Then what the hell do you want from me? Looks like you already have all the answers!” he bites back. “And who cares if I wasn’t there? You spent months talking about her non-stop anyway. It’s like I already know her by now...”
As anger wears off, Tetsuo realizes just how much he screwed up, and it hits him like a bucket of ice water. Kaneda stares wide-eyed, his mouth half-open.
‘Fuck me’ is all Tetsuo can think, before Kaneda says:
“You’re jealous”
“... My turn”
“You’re fucking jealous”
“Shut up, Kaneda”
An innocent, improvised game started out of boredom while they’re cut off from the rest of the world became a battle to uncover each other’s weaknesses. Nothing out of them, really, but Tetsuo had hoped it wouldn’t come to that.
“No fucking way” insists Kaneda, still startled. “Are you serious?”
Tetsuo suddenly realizes that maybe, just maybe, Kaneda hasn’t figured out who he’s jealous of. He still has one last card to play.
“Oh, please,” he says wryly, “I can get hundreds like her whenever I feel like it! She’s all yours, don’t worry...”
“Not jealous of me. Jealous of her”
Damn it. Tetsuo’s face turns red, then purple. He can’t believe he’s kept something so debilitating and embarrassing secret for years, only to have the very person concerned find out about it during some stupid game.
When he looks up at Kaneda, he wants to die on the spot: he’s laughing. He’s fucking laughing.
“Aaaw, aren’t you cute, Tets!” he says, blushing in return. “And how long has this been going on, huh?”
Tetsuo finds that he has tears in his eyes, but there’s nothing he can do to conceal, because Kaneda throws himself at him. Tetsuo panicks.
“What the fuck are you d—”
Kaneda keeps making noises that should sound flattered and embarrassed – but they’re just mean and derisive to Tetsuo’s ears –, as he encircles his shoulders with one arm, pulls him close and rubs his fist into the top of his head, which never failed to send Tetsuo out of his mind with rage. Today more than ever.
“For fuck’s sake, Kaneda,” he growls, trying to wiggle out of his grip. “I said stop”
The moment Kaneda lets go of him, Tetsuo crawls away as fast as he can until his back hits the desk drawers. He angrily wipes his eyes with his sleeve, hurt and humiliated. He wraps his arms around his knees, breathing hard, lips pressed together in a pout that only makes him feel more pathetic and small. He hates this. He hates him.
Kaneda loses all his humor in a split second, face drooping in a mortified expression. He checks his friend’s face silently, biting the inside of his cheek as he always does the few times he realizes he crossed a line.
“Sorry”
If Tetsuo doesn’t yell at him to get the fuck out of his house in response, it’s only because the protest of the century is happening right now, outside of those walls. But he knows it’s not over.
“So that was the reason” murmurs Kaneda.
He takes a deep breath and scratches the back of his head, unusually apologetic.
“I just wanted you guys to know her” he explains. “Thought it would be fun. I thought... Shit. I don’t know what I thought. Anyway... It went well, I guess. She and Kaori talked all the time”
He smiles tentatively, but Tetsuo shows no signs of relenting. So they talked all the time, big fucking deal. Kaori talks to anyone, once she’s put shyness aside. Kaori is good. One could push her to the ground on purpose and step on her, and she’d still apologize. God, why isn’t he in love with her anymore? It was all so easy when he was with her.
“Good for them,” he replies dryly, eyes to the ground.
“Why are you jealous, Tets?”
“I’m not playing anymore”
“Neither am I”
Tetsuo sighs loudly and rubs a hand on his face, suddenly exhausted.
“Go to bed, Kaneda,” he says. “There’s a worn out couch waiting for you”
‘Don’t insist,’ he thinks. ‘Please, leave it alone’
“Tetsuo”
Kaneda’s tone forces him to look at him. They stare at each other in silence for what seems like an eternity. The whole army could storm into the room right now and they probably wouldn’t notice. They wouldn’t even notice if the power came back and revealed them there, sitting on the floor in front of each other, both of their closets struggling to hold the skeletons in.
It’s Tetsuo who gives in in the end, and says the only thing he can actually say at this point:
“I’ll get over it. Don’t worry about it, okay? It’s none of your business”
“But see, actually, uh… I think it is?”
Kaneda gets closer, just enough for Tetsuo to notice but not enough for him to feel threatened. “It is my business, how you feel. And I… I should know, you know? I want to know, if you—”
He stops. Tetsuo shakes his head. His eyes start stinging with tears again. Why does he feel like fucking crying? He finds himself looking down one more time – also because Kaneda is about to reject him, and he’s not sure he can handle looking at him while he does.
“You should have told me” adds Kaneda.
The fact that he doesn’t sound angry or disgusted is a relief, and yet Tetsuo is afraid. His heart beats so fast, he almost expects it to break through his rib cage and land somewhere in the room. Kaneda gets closer again.
“Kei is my friend”
He’s as confident as ever as he says this, but hesitant at the same time, like he fears that one wrong word might make Tetsuo go berserk again, and Tetsuo is so ashamed he hates himself. Ashamed of confessing to him – or rather, not confessing, since he couldn’t even grow some balls and had to let Kaneda bring it out –, ashamed of how he reacted. He shouldn’t have been so awful to Kaneda. He deserved it, but he shouldn’t have. It’s always going to be a losing battle against him, and not because Kaneda is an asshole. He is the asshole. Whatever he chooses to do, he chooses wrong.
“My only girl friend” Kaneda continues. “The only one I don’t hang out with to sleep with her. And I don’t mind. Actually, I kinda like it. I... I really like to be around her”
‘Say no more, damn it,’ Tetsuo wants to say. ‘Why are you even justifying yourself? Just say what you need to say, quick and painless, so we can forget about today’
“I care about her so much... But it’s not what you think” Tetsuo insists on looking down, so Kaneda repeats it one more time, slowly like he’s trying to force it into his best friend’s head. “Tetsuo… It’s not what you think”
Tetsuo sniffles. “Isn’t it?”, he mutters.
He finds the answer once he finally decides to return Kaneda’s gaze, and in that moment, all of the skeletons roll out of their closets.
The room fills with all the things they kept from each other for years, until it inevitabily started taking a toll on their friendship. The flashlight of Kaneda’s phone draws his profile on the near wall, and Tetsuo doesn’t utter a word as lets those shitty butterflies he knows very well wander in the pit of his stomach.
It’s as if all the dots connect together, uniting in an obvious, ancient pattern that’s been before their eyes for who knows how long but which they always stubbornly ignored, for one reason or another. Now that the thick fog that used to permeate their relationship has lifted, he can see clearly. He can’t believe it, but he sees.
Kaneda’s voice brings him back to reality, but doesn’t quell the whirlwind of emotions that’s overwhelming him.
“Tetsuo?”
Tetsuo only now notices his palms are sweaty. Kaneda’s dark irises dilate and swallow his, so he dives straight in and gets lost in them. He glances briefly at Kaneda’s Adam apple going up and down, and then at his lips. He forgets how to breathe.
“Uh-uh?” he says hoarsely.
Kaneda takes his time to inspect every single inch of his face, perhaps searching for a sign. “Come here” he says.
Tetsuo blinks a couple of times. Well, what the hell, if that’s what he wants, he’ll do it. But if he’s just playing with him, he’ll never forgive him.