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“You know it’s fine if you just… you know, leave.”
Douma mumbled into Akaza’s chest, his nose pushing up as he pressed his face against muscular pecs. He felt the other freeze at his words and turned his head to face the other way, he knew what Akaza would say, he knew it very well, but he didn’t want to hear it.
“I wouldn’t leave.”
“Mh.” He hummed, he didn’t buy ut, well he did, but he couldn’t believe it, he never could and he was almost certain the he never would.
“I wont leave you.”
Akaza moved his arm to lay it on Doumas head, patting the blonde hair a little when his hand settled down.
“This isn’t about leaving me.”
His words were unnecessarily aggressive even if he wasn’t mad at all, it was just, it was just the sadness bubbling in his throat felt easier to ignore when he… acted like he was angry.
It was a completely different anger from the one Akaza regularly displayed, while Akaza was only responding to things or showing his distress or dissatisfaction, Douma got angry because it felt easier to be angry rather than sad. It was easier to cope with the everlasting feeling if self-hate and the fear of loss when he was angry, even if he knew that it only wad aggressively displayed sadness people would mistake it for anger and that made him feel better than people knowing, sensing, that he was sad.
“Then what is it about?”
He could already hear Akaza’s voice in his head: You don’t have to feel like a bad boyfriend, you’re not. Just because you have problems doesn’t make you exhausting to be around. He could hear it clearly, those words he would never allow himself to take seriously. And he feared every time Akaza said them.
And he already regretted bringing this up. This, this was his fear of being a bad person, a bad boyfriend, a waste of time, something unworthy Akaza shouldn’t spend this much, or really any time at all, with. But whenever he felt it drag his chest down, like a sinking ship, his feelings heavy in his ribcage, he felt the need to tell Akaza that he didn’t have to put up with Douma. It felt right to not drag Akaza down with him, just because Douma drowned didn’t mean Akaza had to as well.
“Why do you never ask me to apologize?”
Akaza’s words, surprisingly, caught him off guard.
“Wha- why would I?”
He felt his brows draw together.
“Its just, you apologize for being… ‘flawed’ all the time. As if having ‘flaws’ was wrong. Its not, I have flaws too, hell, I have a whole lot of them. I hurt peoples feelings. I’m egoistic. I’m violent a lot. I get upset over small things. I act on pride rather than justice. I look down on other-“
“It’s- no, no you’re not like that!”
“Yes, yes I am like that. But I never apologize for it.”
“Because-“
“Douma, please ask me to apologize.”
Akaza’s voice had turned choked and, maybe just a little pained.
“Akaza-“
“Douma, please. Do you know what it feels like, to find somebody you really love, someone that sets your whole nervous system ablaze with their presence.”
Somehow, even if he felt the need to tell Akaza that he did, he couldn’t get a word out of his mouth. Not because of their position, but because he felt his chest would burst and let all his feelings gush out.
“Someone you would really give your life for. But you know you’re not made fir relationships, because you always find a way to fuck up. And then you notice they have flaws too, and before you know you’re entangled with them, and you finally see how, deeply scarred they are. And theres nothing you can do about it, nothing. But you’re still your own useless self, so, as always, you hurt them, and you know it, but you cant change it. And instead of defending themselves, they just take it, take your abuse, and instead of getting fed up with you they seem even more attached to you. And then you see how badly they treat themselves, how they hurt themselves. And then you realize the only reason they are able to put up with you is because they hate themselves. The only reason they can endure your abuse is because they think they deserve it, deserve to be hurt. And it fucking hurts, it hurts to realize that no matter how much you love them, you’re still an asshole. And no matter how much they love you, if they respected themselves they would have left a long time ago.”
Akaza took a deep shaky breath, Douma could hear it through his chest, then continued.
“And you think: I want to change, I want to be a better person, for them.”
Douma felt a hand tilt his head up, blue eyes looking at him from up there.
“Douma, please ask me to apologize. If not you then who would I listen to?” Tears welled in Akaza’s eyes. “If not you, then who could I ever change for?” It fell down in a straight line, dripping onto Douma’s cheek, slowly creeping down his own face.
“Apologize.” He whispered out, entranced by the bright blue eyes above him.
“What for? Tell me.”
“…”
“I know you can do it. You know what I did and you know its wrong. It doesn’t matter that you love me, say it.”
“Apologize for hitting me.” He choked out, his throat tight and heavy. And Akaza’s eyes lit up, his lips pressed into a line, before he opened them again.
“I’m sorry, Douma.” Another tear dripped on his face. “Please, keep going.”
“I don’t know if I can.” Douma gasped, honestly, having told Akaza to apologize this one time seemed too foreign, too… too…
Too undeserved.
“You can, I know you do. See I’m here, I wont run away, ever, because I’m an abusive piece of shit. There’s nothing to fear from saying it.”
Doumas own eyes spilled over, wet stripes covering his face. Little rivers of emotion painting his skin.
“A- Apologize for screaming at me.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I screamed at you.”
“Apologize for leaving me when you’re angry.”
“I’m sorry I left you alone, Douma.”
“Are you really sorry?” He felt too bold for that question, but he couldn’t suck the words back into his mouth.
“I am, I’ve regretted it all this time. I’ve regretted it that very moment, I regret it now.”
“Why do you regret it?” He was sobbing, the tears just didn’t stop, and honestly he didn’t have the composure to hide them anymore.
“Because I knew how much you hate being alone. I knew it and I still left. And when I came back you let me in as if I had never done anything wrong, you just forgave me, even if you had hurt yourself that day because of me. You hurt yourself because I left, you- “ Akaza’s words died in his mouth, he took a deep breath before he continued. “You could have killed yourself that day, just because I was mad. That thought kept me up so many nights.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Please, don’t apologize to me.”
Douma shook his head.
“No, its important that I work on that. I’m sorry that you were scared I’d kill myself.”
“Douma, it was my fault.”
“That doesn’t matter, I should know better than to ‘just kill myself’-“
He stopped talking at his last words, he couldn’t form proper words anymore, all that came out were sobs. Akaza was no better, his body shook as tears rolled down his face. They just stared at each other, tears soaking up their skin.
“I’m sorry.”
He didn’t know which one of them said it, but that didn’t matter, what mattered was the was Akaza pulled him closer, his arms tight around Doumas back.
They just cried together, and maybe that was better than anything they could have said.