Chapter Text
We had a deal there,
We nearly signed it with our blood,
An understanding,
I thought that you would keep your word
Summer was her favorite bit of the year. It was a little cliche—every kid liked the vacation from school, homework, classes that seemed to drag on and on—but Shauna didn’t mind. She liked the sun and the way it warmed her skin. She liked having the freedom to go anywhere, do anything. She liked riding her bike into town and swimming in the lake until dark and reading the afternoon away. Mostly, she liked the fact that she could spend each and every day with Jackie.
Jackie made everything better. This was a fact she’d learned long ago, when they were kids. Jackie had this undeniable shine to her, a gleam that warmed chests and made people turn their heads to smile.
It was obvious. She’d coax laughter out of Shauna on the days when all she wanted to do was mope, pull her out to catch a movie or go shopping. Sometimes, Jackie could even convince the guy behind the register to give shit up for free—she’d grin, toss her hair in a particular way, and he’d send them off with a twinkle in his eye. Shauna almost felt bad for him. She knew, better than anyone, what it was like to be caught in Jackie’s orbit. It was impossible not to cave when Jackie was holding her hand and batting her eyelashes just so.
She didn’t know what it was like to live in a world without Jackie. From time to time, she thought it might be better to grow separately, as people often do. But the thought was fleeting and foreign in her head.
After all, they were best friends. There was no Shauna without Jackie. There was no moon without the sun.
”It was forty-five seconds.”
”Forty-six.” Jackie corrected, peeling a tie out of her still damp hair.
They’d gone swimming all morning. Shauna let Jackie pick what games they played, and they’d ended up racing from one edge to the other, splashing each other, and eventually having a breath holding contest.
Now, they crowded into Jackie’s room, kicking the door closed so Mrs. Taylor wouldn’t spy on them.
”Fine. Forty-six.” Shauna amended, plopping down on the carpet with a satisfied little sigh. She felt content to sleep the rest of the day away and enjoy a break from the heat. Jackie had just gotten a new fan put in. Plus, her room was so much better—larger, with its own television, and no dog to coat it in hair.
”As long as we’re being accurate.” Jackie grinned, joining her.
They lay side by side in silence, listening to the harmony of their breaths and the whirl of the fan as it spun, whistling cold air over their chests. Shauna focused on the pink walls, her mind lulling.
”You think we’re gonna get put with Mrs. Marsh this year?” Jackie asked, out of the blue.
”There’s a fifty-fifty chance.” Shauna replied lazily, letting her eyes close. “So, maybe.”
”Ugh. She’s hated me since, like, fifth grade.”
”You’re the one that wanted to sign up for AP History.” Their freshman year was coming up, and they’d signed up for all the same classes.
Shauna liked biology better, but the mandatory frog dissection made Jackie nauseous.
”Yeah, I know.” Jackie agreed, a bit touchily. “I just think it’s important we do stuff this year.”
”Stuff?”
”Homecoming, prom, extracurriculars—something other than sitting at home with your diary.”
”Okay, okay.” Shauna could sense the impatience. “We’ll go to homecoming.”
”And prom.”
”And prom.” She placated, almost smiling.
They fell silent again. It was nice. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, just Jackie and the softness of the carpet at her back.
Eventually, Jackie broke the silence. “I kissed Jeff.”
“What?”
Shauna opened her eyes. She felt as if someone had just tossed her carelessly into the lake.
”Or—Jeff kissed me.” Jackie was explaining. “We went to go see that movie yesterday, like I told you, and then he offered to walk me home. It just… happened.”
Shauna tried to come up with a response, but her head was spinning. She didn’t know they were going to start doing that now—kissing.
In hindsight, she should have seen it coming. Jackie was always talking about him these days, blabbering on about his hair or his arms or something charming he’d said to her. She knew that they’d gone on a couple dates during the school year. She also knew that fourteen was the best age to have a first kiss. Not too young, but not too old either. Jackie had told her that. But she knew all of these things separately from each other, never expecting them to collide.
Until now.
”Oh. How was it?” She asked, like she was supposed to.
There was a well of doom opening up inside of her. There was anger and there was jealousy—she hadn’t had her first kiss yet—and there was something else lodged there, too, like—
“Good. He was a real gentleman about it.” Jackie answered.
”Cool. I mean, that’s… great.”
”Don’t worry, Shauna.” Jackie reached out and grasped her wrist, delicate fingers giving a gentle squeeze. “We’ll find you a boyfriend, too.”
”Great.” Shauna smiled, limply.
Apparently satisfied, Jackie gave her one last squeeze before letting her hand slip back to her side.
Shauna remained quiet.
Inside, she was whirling. Kissing—boyfriend?! She’d expected this day to arrive, but not before both of them were ready for it. Though, maybe that idea was naive. Wasn’t this on par for them? Jackie making the decisions, and Shauna being dragged along, often against her will. A spill of bitterness bled into her. She would have to kiss someone, too, now. She would have to catch up.
And who was she meant to kiss? Randy—no. She privately thought that Peter from her math class was sort of cute, but he’d never go for her. She was fucked.
That wasn’t all. Past the bitterness, there was a strange, looming sense of betrayal. She felt as if Jackie had broken some unspoken understanding, some sacred rule. Because kissing wasn’t just kissing, it was dating, and dating was energy and work and time—time that they were meant to spent together. Alone. She imagined Jackie shaking all the parts of herself onto a table, like a puzzle, and Jeff snagging one up for himself. It made her feel almost animal, almost rabid.
Shauna turned her head to watch Jackie, who had let her eyes fall shut. Stay put, she thought, insanely, stay here, stay mine. All of you.
*
Jeff crept into their lives like some sort of disease. Herpes, maybe.
He was always there—at the lake, at the park, at the movie theaters, at the mall. Anywhere Jackie went, he followed.
Shauna wanted to tear her own hair out. It didn’t matter how nice Jeff was. It didn’t matter that he was funny. It didn’t matter that he made the effort to smile at her and ask her how her day was whenever he saw her. Something about his presence was inherently intrusive, like a nail shoved out of place. She felt as if she and Jackie couldn’t so much as have a conversation with him constantly hanging around, pestering them.
Of course, Jackie didn’t seem particularly pestered. She was all too happy to let him tag along, to hold his hand and kiss him goodnight. She was dressing nicer, too. Her shorts were shorter, her tops skimpier. She let her hair fell down her back in one long, pretty curtain, rather than pulling it into a sloppy bun.
Shauna supposed that was normal—wanting to look nice for your boyfriend.
She was beginning to think that she wasn’t normal.
If she thought about it for too long, she would remember that she was supposed to be happy for Jackie, that she was being hateful—but she didn’t like to think about it for too long.
Jeff continued to join them almost everyday, and Shauna kept her thoughts to herself. They would muck about the town, wandering aimlessly in search of something to do. Most days, that thing turned out to be whatever Jackie or Jeff wanted to do—Shauna was a non-factor, a third wheel, a ghost—but she never complained. She stayed quiet. She stood, alongside Jeff, watching Jackie cook in the summer sun, until her skin went bronze and her cheeks freckled.
A slow transition that, once, belonged only to Shauna.
*
Meet me in town at 10, Shipman. We’re so getting our nails done!! :)
- Jackie
Shauna held the note Jackie had left on her windowsill in her hands, smiling. The nail salon was, at least, one place where Jeff wouldn’t follow.
*
After the nail salon was the mall.
Unsurprisingly, it was fairly crowded. Without a school schedule to keep them in check, flocks of children were free to show up, shop, and scream their parents silly. Jackie somehow managed to weave through the crowd gracefully, yanking Shauna into store after store without interruption.
Shauna half-hoped that they would be intercepted by some shrieking child. As nice as it was to have Jackie to herself, shopping was far from her favorite activity. It was tedious, and there were too many options. She liked to stick to her flannels. They were warm, comfortable, and didn’t make her look like…
”…a prostitute.” Shauna deadpanned, staring at herself in the mirror. The dress Jackie had picked out for her was too small—by about three sizes.
”It’s supposed to hang like that.” Jackie insisted.
”Yeah, well, my mom’s never going to go for it.” Shauna twisted this way and that, inspecting her reflection from all angles.
They were sharing a dressing room. She could see Jackie moving behind her, shrugging off a sweater and adding it to the pile. They’d shoved the nos into a clump in the corner.
”So? Just hide it.”
”Maybe.” Shauna replied noncommittally.
In truth, she had no desire to show off more skin than necessary. She knew she was passably attractive, but lately her flaws seemed to jump out at her more and more. Her nose sat awkwardly on her face, her eyes were too large, and her hips were becoming rounder than she’d like. Sometimes, she wanted to burrow into herself, where no one could see her.
(A very graphic, very embarrassing book gifted to her by her grandma said that this was normal, though it didn’t seem so.)
Puberty, predictably, wasn’t wreaking the same havoc on Jackie. She was a bit thinner and certainly taller, but mostly, she was the same pretty, doe-eyed girl that she had always been. That fact was never more obvious to Shauna than it was now, with Jackie lining up next to her in the mirror. Her body was all sharp angles, protruding collarbones and slim limbs, as if she’d crawled out of some model magazine. And the outfit she’d picked out—a flowy, white skirt and baby blue top that seemed tailored right down to her bones. It was undeniable. She was gorgeous.
Shauna was… also standing there.
“I think you should get it.” Jackie said, causing Shauna to blink. She’d forgotten they were in the middle of a conversation. “Red looks good on you. Makes you look sexy.”
Shauna startled. ”Sexy?”
”Yeah, like a real adult.”
”A real adult.” She repeated, watching herself unconvincingly. The dress was nice but ill-fitting. She looked like a child playing dress up.
”Exactly.” Jackie shot an arm out and pulled her close, hugging her from behind. Her head popped out from over Shauna’s shoulder, cheeky and grinning. “You, Shauna Shipman, are one stunning gal.”
Her voice came out light and playful, tickling the skin of Shauna’s ear. Shauna blushed—her head felt fuzzy.
”Shut up.” She nudged Jackie away, bashful. “Gal? Who even says that?”
”Me. And put that dress on.” Jackie began tugging off her outfit. “You’re wearing it out. No arguments.”
And that was that.
After paying, they headed outside. It was nearly dark out. The weather had cooled up noticeably, no longer stuffed with sweltering heat. The lingering warmth combed over them pleasantly as they walked.
Shauna turned to Jackie. “Okay, what do you mean ‘out?’ Are we going somewhere else?”
“Uh… yeah. I wanna go see a movie.” The lilt in her voice was a little strange, but Shauna ignored it, shrugging.
”Alright. Whatever you want.”
The movie theater would probably be equally crowded, but Shauna was willing to give it a shot. Not like there was anything better to do. However, as they rounded the corner, Shauna’s mood changed abruptly—on account of the two familiar boys standing there, clearly waiting.
For them.
”You’re not serious!”
“You said whatever I want.” Jackie sing-songed, only sounding mildly guilty.
“Yeah, but—Randy?” Shauna hissed murderously.
”Just act normal.” Jackie whispered back, which was all they got to say before the boys were upon them.
”Hey, there you guys are.” Jeff smiled at them, boyish and shy.
”Jeff.” Shauna greeted flatly.
Jackie elbowed her hard in the side.
The boys continued on with their greetings, oblivious to the entire interaction and Shauna’s growing displeasure. Jackie gave Jeff a sweet peck on the cheek. Randy ogled her, standing behind Jeff with his hands in his pockets. Apparently, they had already bought the tickets. Soon enough, they were shuffling inside the theater, sitting beside their respective dates.
Randy attempted to make stilted small talk with her, blabbering on throughout the trailers. He seemed to have a lot to say about popcorn toppings, though none of it was of interest to her. When the lights dimmed, Shauna let out a short, relieved sigh, sinking deeper into the seat. She hoped she could get through this whole ordeal untouched and unkissed, despite Jackie’s evil plan. She could practically feel her best friend’s anticipation, urging her to sneak a kiss through the use of pointed glances.
Shauna angled herself away from Randy, tugging her dress down to cover her thighs. Sure, it was rude, but think of the consequences—what if he told people that she let him feel her up in the back of a gross, sticky theater? They weren’t even dating. She’d be branded a slut before the semester began.
Jackie didn’t understand. She had Jeff, and Jeff was not Randy. Jeff was nice—enough—and at least somewhat attractive. Randy was… currently burping out the remnants of a cherry cola.
Shauna sucked her lips into her mouth and resolved to keep them there for the rest of the movie.
It wasn’t a bad film, actually. The boys had picked some action flick that involved a lot of explosions and quite a bit of violence. She had never minded gore, so it wasn’t a problem for her. Jackie, on the other hand, flinched at every bloody collision, burying her face in Jeff’s arm. Shauna took some smug satisfaction in seeing her squirm.
That is, until Jeff started comforting her with his mouth.
Shauna glanced hastily away from them, bile shooting up her throat. She felt like a prude, but she couldn’t help it. The wet noises were making her sick.
”I’m going to get more popcorn.” Shauna stood up, needing some air.
Out in the lobby, she hopped in line for snacks. She tapped her foot as she waited, agitated. She wished boys didn’t exist—or if they were going to, that they’d only materialize out of one of her romance novels, sweet and charming and handsome.
A tap on the shoulder interrupted her thoughts.
Jeff’s nervous grin greeted her. “Hey, I um—I got hungry, too. Can I wait with you?”
”I guess.”
”Cool.”
They stood beside each other, not touching or talking. Occasionally, Jeff would open his mouth, as if to say something, but would then shut it abruptly.
Weirdo.
When they stepped up to the counter, he suddenly burst into action, fumbling with his wallet. “Oh, I’ve got it! I brought cash.”
He paid for a large popcorn and some Milk Duds, tossing a wad of bills down and looking quite proud about it.
Back inside the theater, they found Jackie and Randy sitting awkwardly. Shauna felt another vicious tug of satisfaction—let her see how it felt to be left on Randy duty—that was again stomped out by Jeff and Jackie’s impromptu tongue wrestling match.
Shauna left her Milk Duds alone, afraid they’d end up spewed all over her toilet by the end of the night.
*
Still annoyed, Shauna elected to avoid Jackie for that little stint.
That plan lasted no more than twenty-four hours, ending when Jackie arrived on her doorstep, wearing her on-top-of-the-world grin and a pretty sundress.
”C’mon, Shipman. I’m kidnapping you.”
Shauna eyed her skeptically, frowning. “Why? What are we doing this time?”
Jackie beamed.
”Whatever you want.”
*
The only place she could think to take Jackie was the lake. It was a bit of a bad idea, considering that night had already fallen by the time they got there. It was too cold and too dangerous to swim after dark—but Shauna didn’t mind that it was off-limits. She had a secret fondness for the lake and the way it caught the moonlight, glittering like a jewel. And, she supposed there was a certain allure to sneaking around in the shadows with Jackie.
Cutting through the brush, she felt as if they were escaping into another world, meant for just the two of them. She had never seen the lake so empty before. It was normally crowded, full of noises and people. Now, it sat silent and still, eager for—something.
”We’re dead if we get caught, you know.” Jackie whispered, lightly pushing aside a limp branch. Her nails were still nicely manicured, and she was holding her hands delicately.
”Then, we won’t get caught.” Shauna countered.
Easy.
Besides, how many times had Jackie dragged her into some unseemly situation? It was her turn.
They came to the edge of the lake and stripped, slower than they usually would, shivering out of their clothes and leaving them in a pile.
Jackie tested the water temperature with her toe, shrinking back and making a displeased sound. “Are you sure about this?”
”Live a little.” Shauna shrugged.
There was an odd thrill to it—sneaking out, being where she wasn’t supposed to be. She felt staticky with excitement.
To prove a point, she took several bold steps towards the water and waded in until it came up to her waist. She threw a challenging glance over her shoulder at Jackie, ignoring the shocks of cold rolling up and down her spine. A moment later, Jackie followed.
”S-Seriously. It’s cold.”
”C’mon.” Shauna rolled her eyes, flicking some water at her. It wasn’t so bad, once you got used to it. “It’s not like you’ll freeze to death.”
”It’s always a possibility.” Jackie stood, arms hugged around her sides, looking as if the lake might try to reach out and grab her.
”Crybaby.” Shauna splashed her.
”Hey—asshole!” Jackie jerked away, yelping.
”Wimp!”
”Bitch!”
Their splashes grew more forceful with each insult, quickly turning into an all-out water war. They circled each other, wrestling and giggling, taking turns dunking the other’s head beneath the water. Their shouts echoed in the space around them, bright and boundless.
Shauna went for the win, gripping Jackie’s wrists to try and hold her still. Jackie wriggled against her, slippery as a fish, but Shauna held tight, keeping her in place.
”Got you.” She whispered around breathless laughter.
It was true. She had Jackie trapped, so close, too close—their faces were mere inches apart. Jackie’s fading gasps came out in warm puffs against her nose.
Shauna sprang back, feeling—weird. Strange. Like her entire body was buzzing. The distance between them did nothing to settle it.
Jackie watched her closely, panting breaths bleeding into silence. She licked her lips. “You’re not still mad at me about the Randy thing, are you?”
”What? No.” Shauna shook her head.
”’Cause if you are…”
”I said no.”
”Okay. I was just asking.” Only her head was visible above water, and she was frowning, slightly—almost like she was thinking very hard. “Kissing’s fun, you know…”
Shauna cringed. “I really don’t need to hear more about you and Jeff.”
”I know, I know. It’s just… you’re not scared, are you? That you’d be bad at it?”
“No, I’m not scared.” She forced a laugh into her voice. It died quickly. She kept looking at Jackie, staring at her, realizing that she hadn’t ever really looked away at all. Realizing that she didn’t want to.
There was some sort of madness creeping up inside of her. It bit and it shocked and it pulled, daring her. Jackie’s eyes were possessed by something cut from that same cloth, a wild tide snatching at her feet and dragging her closer, closer...
It was a quick kiss, clumsy and inexperienced.
Shauna tasted the thrill of another person’s lips on her own, felt the soft draw of breath Jackie took against her mouth—fluttering, overwhelmed.
She ripped herself away, wide-eyed and frantic. Her heart was pounding senselessly in her chest. They’d just—she’d just—
“I—“
”Wow.” Jackie laughed, short and strained, cutting her off. “That was almost some real lezzie shit there, huh?”
All the air swept from Shauna’s chest.
”Good thing no one’s around.” Jackie continued, when she got no response. She gave Shauna a quick, encouraging smile. “And now you’ve done it, so that’s… that’s good—“
She began to swim away without waiting for a reply, stumbling up onto shore and groping blindly for her clothes. Shauna watched her yank each article of clothing on, almost frantically. Her back was turned, but it was clear that she was trembling.
And suddenly, Shauna wasn’t scared. She was terrified.
Because the sun could live without the moon. It could grow, it could thrive. Jackie could survive without her, but Shauna? Shauna would shrivel in the dark. She needed the light. She needed Jackie.
If Jackie thought she was some kind of freak or, or—a dyke that she couldn’t trust to keep her hands to herself, then they couldn’t stay friends. And Shauna couldn’t have that. Wouldn’t have it. What would she do without Jackie? How would she get along? How would she remember to suck air into her lungs and to blink and to exhale? Jackie had been there since forever, since the start of her life. She was engraved right into the roots of Shauna’s being. She was her goddamn best friend.
There was no air. Even above the surface of the water, there was no air. Shauna pushed through, pumping her arms until she was standing beside Jackie, until they were close again.
”At least now we’re even.” She blurted. They both had their first kiss—in the same month, too. They were on equal standing.
Jackie looked at her. It was a look that seemed to reach inside of her soul and pluck out all of her ugly parts. Shauna tried not to flinch from it.
”Yeah, even.” Jackie agreed, finally, giving a flicker of a smile.
Shauna swallowed and looked away.
*
Dear diary,
I kissed Jackie last night. I did something I wasn’t supposed to. I keep waiting to feel guilty about it or something, but I… it’s not that I…
Shauna ripped out the page and crumpled it. She got up. She paced. She picked at her nail beds with her teeth. It was still in her, that madness from earlier. It seemed to have taken hold.
She cast a glance at her shelves, which bulged with an impressive number of books, including the one about puberty. The one about normal development.
She was normal, wasn’t she?
She grew up in the suburbs. She adopted boring hobbies and lived in a boring house. She ate cereal everyday for breakfast when she was eight. She did fine in her classes. She did fine with her peers. All of that was okay—it was just Jackie. Jackie, who always had to hold her hand when they walked (or sat down or ate a meal or did anything). Jackie, who was so pretty that it was unavoidable. Jackie, who had to go and date Jeff and plant that stupid idea of kissing in her head. Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, twisting her up and tainting her and making her so crazy, so jealous, so utterly out of her mind that she’d felt the need to—
(Her first kiss was meant to be like the books, but this one had claws, and they were sinking right into her—)
It was Jackie, at the heart of it all. It was her fault, not Shauna’s. She couldn’t be blamed, really.
…it’s not that I wanted it, it’s that it was inevitable.
*
Summer carried on uneventfully. She held her breath throughout those first couple of days, waiting for some grand collision, some fissure in their friendship to erupt. But nothing came. Jackie acted perfectly, well—normal. She seemed calm, casual, even happy as they wasted time, lounging around the town and chatting excitedly about the upcoming school year. They never did visit the lake again, but that was fine. It was okay. Shauna followed Jackie’s lead and found that it was almost easy to forget, when there was so much time and so many activities to do.
It would crop up, occasionally—the memory. Lips on her own, saucer-wide eyes, breathe hot and panting. She simply stomped it down. It was in the past.
As August trudged slowly into September, whatever lingering tension that remained between them eroded away until it was just that. A memory.
Besides, Shauna had bigger things to focus on, like school. Her mom had already began taking her out for various supplies—pencils, pens, notebooks, anything she might need. She didn’t see why she couldn’t just recycle the things she had kept from middle school, but her mom insisted that this was high school. Everything would be different now. The thought put a pit in her stomach.
(Stay put, stay here, stay mine—)
On the first day of the year, she arrived early to wait outside for Jackie. She leant against a nearby pillar, hoping not to draw too much attention.
Luckily, everyone seemed distracted. Students were bustling out of cars, some of them strolling inside in a self-assured manner while others nervously checked and re-checked their schedules, eyes darting around. Shauna shrunk herself as much as possible, anxious, wondering if she looked just as clueless as them. Probably. She felt uncomfortably warm and insecure, standing there all alone. Where was Jackie?
As if hearing her thoughts, Jackie slid out of her dad’s car, waving, “Shauna! Over here!”
Shauna hustled over, relief flooding her. “You’re late.”
”And fashionably so.” Jackie flicked her hair out of her eyes confidently. She had done it up with some pretty bow and added a light smattering of gloss to her lips. Shauna could see that her backpack was new, too, and suddenly felt infinitely grateful for the recent shopping trip. “You ready?”
”Yeah.”
Steely determination shifted into Jackie’s eyes.
”Together?” She held out her hand.
”Together.” Shauna nodded, and they walked in, side by side, fingers clasped.
The doors swung shut behind them. There were kids all over the halls, shouting and scrambling to greet each other. A pack of girls caught sight of each other and immediately dissolved into squeals. Two guys clapped hands in that dumb, boyish way, quick and manly. The rows of lockers went on and on, leading to some anonymous classroom at the end of the hall. It was underwhelming. It was school.
Stupid. Why had she expected some instantaneous change?
”This is great!” Jackie announced.
”Um, yeah.” Shauna agreed, hopefully convincingly. She couldn’t put Jackie down, not when she was smiling like that.
”Oh—let me see your schedule!” Jackie said, and Shauna rushed to meet her request, digging it out of her bag so Jackie could scan it. “We’ve got everything together except algebra. Damn. At least we didn’t get Mrs. Marsh.”
Shauna nodded along. Her shoulders had relaxed, her walls had come down. They were going to be together practically the whole day. Nothing would change.
Jackie certainly hadn’t changed. She was rambling on like an excited child. It was sort of endearing.
”Okay, we’ve got history first. I think that’s on the fourth floor. We can probably find it ourselves, but wait—we have to figure out how close our lockers are first.”
”Mhm.”
”We’ve got to decorate them, and get there early for lunch so we have somewhere to sit. We’ve also got to check out all the clubs. Oh, and I signed us up for soccer tryouts!”
“Right, we—soccer?” Shauna had never played in her life. She was sure the same was true for Jackie.
”Yeah, it’s Jeff’s favorite sport.”
She didn’t see what that had to do with either of them, but Jackie continued on.
“And it’s after school next Wednesday.”
Shauna pressed her lips in a flat line, feeling a prickle of bubbling irritation. She hated when Jackie made plans without consulting her first. It made her feel small, invisible—but when she played the whole argument out in her mind, voicing her thoughts didn’t seem worth it. Not on their first day. Not when Jackie was looking at her with those big, brown eyes.
So, she said what she was accustomed to saying:
”Cool.”
Except it wasn’t cool.
As the week played out, she began to realize that her classes were no different than middle school. Most of the work was introductory, and if not, she could figure it out with a few minutes of thinking. Often, she found herself staring blankly at a wall, wanting to smash her head against it. Perhaps she had made a mistake, going for mostly basic courses, but it was what Jackie wanted, and it was nice to have a friend with her.
Still, French was the worst. Jackie called it a romantic language, which Shauna was initially excited about until she found out how difficult it was for her mouth to form the proper syllables. She could barely get her tongue to work around a hello. The only person who sounded halfway decent was some rich girl, Charlotte Matthews—Lottie, she’d corrected, gently—who had probably spent every summer in Paris, anyway.
That same girl was in her English class, though that was where Shauna excelled. Mr. Robins was an excellent teacher—poised, intelligent, and exceedingly passionate about his work. He spoke diligently about their summer reading, which Shauna had found fascinating. It was easy for her to dip into characters’ heads. Maybe because she lived inside of her own.
All in all, her classes seemed manageable. What tipped the scale was their grade’s newest ‘it’ couple. Jeff and Jackie.
They were everywhere, always, and Shauna could not escape.
They’ll break up, she thought, as she watched them hold hands in the halls. They’ll break up, she thought, seeing Jackie lean up to kiss him, curling a hand around his arm. They’ll break up, she thought, while they whispered in-between classes. They’ll break up, she thought, ignoring their loving glances. They’ll break up, she thought, over and over, as if the words would shield against her own gloom.
She knew it wasn’t right. She knew she should be supportive. That was the nice thing to do.
But Shauna wasn’t nice. She was selfish and spiteful and horrid, and she could live with being all of those things, if only Jackie would stick to her side forever.
They’ll break up.
*
”He said he liked someone else!” Jackie was crying, loud, shuddering sobs that went right into her hands.
Shauna rubbed her back soothingly, as she had for the last half hour.
”Did he say who?”
”No! Probably some older, sophomore slut.” Jackie grabbed a tissue, blew, and released a wet, agitated breath. “I hate him.”
Shauna had gotten her wish.
Apparently, Jeff had broken the news that very weekend, claiming that he was secretly in love with another girl. Jackie had called her directly after, in search of comfort.
”Shh, shh…”
Unsure of what to say, Shauna kept up the motion. She hoped that was enough. Her stomach was a hotbed of emotions, each one slivering over the other. She couldn’t deny that there’d been some initial pleasure at getting the phone call, but now, as she stood in the face of Jackie’s tears, that pleasure withered pitifully.
She felt awful. It was as if someone had kicked over a rock to reveal its dark, rotten underbelly.
That was what she was—dirt, scum. You are pathetic, she thought to herself, how could you have asked for this? How fucking selfish can one person be? How cruel?
Yet, even as she thought this, another train ran in the opposite direction—one that was happy to have Jackie curled up against her side, burying her face in her neck.
Never date anyone again. We’ll live alone, away from boys, like we planned when we were little kids, and we’ll—but that was foolish.
Jackie didn’t need some childhood, fairytale promise. She needed her. Now.
”Look, Jackie. Jeff’s a complete idiot.” Shauna wasn’t good at comforting people. She’d never had to before. Jackie usually got everything she wanted. “Have you seen him try to spell handkerchief?”
Jackie let out a damp chuckle.
”And he’s just—some guy. You’re Jackie Taylor. You walk into a room, and the sun cries with envy. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known.”
”You think so?” Jackie pulled back slightly to look at her. Her cheeks were flushed and tear-stained.
There was something about her gaze that was familiar, that was deep and searching.
”Of course.” Shauna said, softer than she meant to.
Jackie burrowed herself back in Shauna’s arms, clasping her hands and coming so close that their heartbeats intertwined. Don’t move. Stay here, and I think we’ll—we can—
“Thanks, Shauna. You always know how to calm me down.” The words bled into her skin.
Shauna swallowed, throat bobbing painfully.
”Anytime.”
*
Much to her displeasure, they were both out on the field Wednesday afternoon.
”We’re still doing soccer?”
”I can’t just not show up. Then it looks like I only signed up for a boy.”
”But you did…”
No amount of complaining could stop Shauna from being on that field. Her name was on the sign-up sheet—not in her own handwriting, of course, but there all the same.
A number of other girls had shown up as well, enough to give her some mild relief. Maybe she wouldn’t even make the team. It was a blistering hot day, the summer sun making its last, vengeful round before fading out. Sweat was already peppering Shauna’s skin as she sat down, joining the group.
Some of them she knew. There was Lottie from French and Van from algebra, who was recognizable by her ginger hair and running, witty commentary. A very pretty, black girl sat next to her, with her hair pulled back to reveal sharp, determined eyes. Her name was Tara—or something. And, unfortunately, there was Misty Quigley. Everyone knew Misty. Shauna didn’t think she could forget the girl who attempted to dissect a beetle in front of the class for kindergarten show and tell.
Everyone else was a mystery. Most of them were nameless faces, people she didn’t know and didn’t care to.
At the last minute, a pale girl with unkempt, black hair marched across the field and sat down grumpily, the way her dad might after a hard day at work. The girl looked how Shauna felt. She wanted to make another attempt at ditching, but Jackie was staring the coach down, transfixed, clearly eager to make this work.
Shauna sighed.
”Alright, girls, let’s get started.” The coach was younger than expected and looked a little uncertain. “How about we start on some drills?”
He had them line up down the field, facing each other, and pass the ball back and forth. Jackie seemed to manage well enough, from what she could see out of the corner of her eye, but it quickly became apparent that Shauna was crap at this. There was a reason she steered clear of sports. She felt stiff and awkward with the ball at her feet, not to mention vividly uncoordinated.
It was no help that she got paired with Tara—Taissa—who insisted on hurling the ball at an extreme speed every time.
”You’ve never done this before, have you?” She asked, during their five minute water break.
”Is it that obvious?” Shauna tried not to pant too hard. She swore she was dying. “I was that kid that whacked the ball away when it hit me in P.E.”
Taissa gave her a flat look, visibly unamused.
Jesus, what a stare. Shauna felt incredibly awkward. She was actually happy when Coach began blowing his whistle, urging them back onto the field.
”I thought it was funny.” Van told her in passing, smiling kindly. That made things a little better.
Only a little. The heat, Tai, the other girls watching her—all of it had left her irritable, wrestling with an anger that only seemed to boil.
Jackie jogged to catch up with her, touching her arm. “Hey, good effort out there.”
That did it. That jolly, happy tone, like they were all just having the best time, paired with the hand on her shoulder, invoking an unwilling kick of her heart. She snapped. Before she had a chance to think it over, she was kicking the nearest ball with surprising force, sending it hurtling hard across the field. Several girls turned to glance at her.
Shauna let her arms dangle, suddenly self-conscious.
”Well.” Coach said. “We can probably do something with that.”
*
The list was posted at the end of the week. Shauna set her finger against her name. So, that was it. She was on the soccer team.
Peering over her shoulder, Jackie cheered.
”Yes!”
*
That year, Jackie’s fifteenth birthday fell on a Friday.
Usually, they threw a party and had a sleepover, which was made grand by Mrs. Taylor’s dedication to decorations, food, and entertainment. One year, she had crafted a cake that was nearly as large as Jackie herself—complete with strawberry frosting, candied flowers, and a little rabbit ornament. Only the best for their little girl.
This year, Jackie wanted much of the same, except with a closer circle. Namely, the soccer team.
”I just don’t think it’s going to work out.” Shauna said, after Jackie voiced the idea.
”I think you’re a pessimist.”
”Realist.”
”Mmm, no. Just a pessimist.” Jackie capped a tube of lipstick. She was trying on different shades in preparation. Shauna lay flat on her bed, legs crossed, watching. “I think it’ll be fun. We can get cupcakes, hangout, watch a movie...”
While that certainly sounded nice, Shauna wasn’t sure they were the best bunch for it. Their team had the misfortune of sharing absolutely no interests outside of soccer. Conversation lulled whenever they were given space to chat, and most words exchanged off the field boiled down to meaningless small talk. It had been almost a month since they became an actual team, and they still remained withdrawn, unable to bond.
It was a recipe for disaster, inviting all of them over at once. She had no idea how Van’s laidback demeanor would fit beside Tai’s constant, pressurized state. Or how Lottie’s glossy, rich girl shtick would get on with Nat’s whole rogue act. In fact, the majority of the girls seemed resistant to interacting with Nat at all. There were some foul rumors about her going around—something about her giving Kevin Daniels her thong.
This type of conflict was new to Shauna, and she was already tired of the whole ordeal. Things rolled so smoothly with Jackie that the idea of not speaking was unthinkable. The longest they had ever gone without talking was a week.
”Shauna.”
”Hmm?” She lifted her head, realizing she’d been zoning out.
”Peach or corral?” Jackie rubbed her lips together, then puckered them. It didn’t matter much. They looked so pretty, in every shade…
Dangerous, dangerous thought. Shauna swept it away.
”Uh, peach. Anyway—I still don’t think this is a good idea. Can’t we just hangout instead?”
”You are going to change your mind once you see this…” Jackie set the lipstick down so she could rummage through her closet. There was some odd rustling, and a moment later, she emerged with a bottle in hand.
Shauna sat up. “Is that—“
”Shh.”
”—vodka?!”
”Strawberry flavored.” Jackie informed her, seeming awfully proud of herself.
”Let me see.” Shauna crossed the room to take it into her hands. She felt very grownup, holding it. The most she’d had was a beer. “How’d you get this?”
“Stole it from my parents.”
”And they didn’t notice?”
”No. I can be sneaky when I want to be.” Jackie smirked as she took back the bottle, mischief glinting in her eyes. “I, for one, think the party’s a go.”
Shauna, well… she was having a change of heart.
So, they were set. The day of, Shauna came over early to help set out everything and hide Jackie’s family valuables. Mrs. Taylor had truly outdone herself on the cupcakes, making a vanilla batch with some kind of divine lemon-life frosting. Shauna almost felt bad when nightfall came, and Jackie began ushering her upstairs, insisting her parents hide away for the duration of the party.
There was a chill of excitement curling in the air. Despite her reservations, she couldn’t deny the giddiness creeping in alongside her nerves. They were having a real party, with alcohol and everything. She had seen what drinking did to people—turned gloom to cheer, strangers to best friends. She needed a little of that. The team certainly needed it, too. As they trickled in, one by one, it was obvious how divided they were. They all sat awkwardly in Jackie’s living room, eyeing each other.
“We could play a game.” Jackie blurted.
It took some time to coax everyone into it, but after the bottle had made a few trips around the circle, they loosened up, losing whatever doubts they brought with them. Van had them all in stitches, calling out increasingly ridiculous answers in their game of charades, and Lottie kept up with an impression of Mrs. Marsh that was scarily spot on. Shauna’s sides were aching with laughter by the time they moved on to crooning out a broken rendition of Happy Birthday.
”HAP, HAP, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAP, HAP, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAP, HAP, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAP, HAP—“
Jackie waved them off, grinning bashfully. Her eyes met Shauna’s and clung there, for just a second, full of mirth.
”TO YOUUUUUU!”
Shauna could tell from the way Jackie’s grin split her mouth that she wasn’t as modest as she acted. It was obvious that she was inwardly preening, soaking up their chants and drunken cheer. Her face had that special sparkle to it—Shauna saw it as if it through a film of glitter, magical and shiny and gorgeous. No wonder they were singing her praises. Pretty, pretty princess.
Pretty, pretty—she wanted to be pretty like that and she wanted to—to eat it. Her head felt heavy, as if someone had tied a boulder to it.
She stood, abruptly.
”Shauna, you okay?” Somebody asked.
She caught the swell of chatter and swayed with it, watching the world mush and blur together in front of her eyes. As it turned out, vodka was quite a bit stronger than beer.
”The best way to sober up from excess alcohol drinking is water, rest, and food.” Misty was saying, which—why was Misty so fucking weird? Why did she feel so fucking weird right now?
Shauna stumbled outside, sure she was going to throw up or something.
Cold air cut swiftly through the brain fog. She blinked, noticing that the ground was no longer spinning and that she was not alone.
Nat was looking up at her from the steps of Jackie’s front porch. She was all alone, knees pulled against her chest. Shauna vaguely remembered her saying something about dipping out to use the bathroom, but clearly she’d found other pursuits. There was a tiny, silver lighter sitting in her cupped hands, and she was accompanied by the fading scent of burnt ash.
”I thought you—bathroom?” Shauna questioned, much less eloquently than she would’ve liked to.
Nat’s mouth twitched, as if she had just stumbled upon something amusing. She shook her head.
”No. The whole cheery, prom queen thing—it’s not my style.” A second glance at Shauna. “Sorry.”
There was some implication there that Shauna was too drunk to grasp. It bothered her.
”You don’t have to apologize.”
”Yeah, I just figured…” Nat trailed off, seeming to think better of it. Shauna watched, transfixed, as she dug a cigarette out of her pocket and lit it expertly, raising it to her lips.
“Can I try that?” She’d always wanted to. It looked so cool in the movies.
Nat grinned properly, some of the wariness sliding off of her face.
”Yeah. Team bonding, right?” She scooted to make room on the steps, carefully passing the cigarette to Shauna. “Don’t breathe real deep at first. Ease into it.”
Shauna did as she was told, inhaling shallowly, testing the waters. Still, her lungs protested, locking tight, and she choked out a cough. Nat laughed, not unkindly, patting her back.
”All part of the process.”
She guided her through the second try, then the third. Nat was a surprisingly kind teacher, refraining from teasing her too harshly about her apparent inexperience.
Shauna got the hang of it, eventually. It felt strange, forcing the smoke in as her body rebelled—but it was nice, too, carrying out the motion, letting her head run on a motor. It had all gone quiet in there.
”How do you feel?” Nat asked, after a while. “Sober up some?”
She thought of Jackie, inside, pretty and blurring…
”I think so.” She sniffed. She really didn’t want Nat to think of her as a lightweight. “Or, I hope so. Jackie’s gonna need help cleaning up, so I’ve gotta…” She gestured vaguely behind her.
Nat chuckled lowly, blowing smoke in splutters. It irritated Shauna, not being in on the joke.
”What?”
”I asked about you, not Jackie.”
The statement rattled her. She felt blank, grasping at what to say. She supposed she was… fine. Just fine. Perhaps the alcohol was still taking its toll.
”You know, you guys are really fucking weird. I’ve never seen two people more attached at the hip.” Nat said it matter-of-factly, in a way that somehow bore no offense.
But Shauna didn’t understand. How else were two friends supposed to be, if not attached at the hip?
The front door popped open, startling them both.
”Shauna, there you are.” Jackie came out with a bottle of water tucked beneath her arm. “I was wondering where you ran off to.”
”I’ve been here.” Shauna settled on a simple reply. She was starkly aware of Nat hovering by, watching their interaction.
Jackie seemed to come to the same conclusion. Her gaze flickered briefly to Nat, sharpening.
”Are you coming inside? It stinks out here.”
*
Everyone left soon after midnight, each of them wishing Jackie a final happy birthday before they left. Some hugged her goodbye clumsily, still intoxicated, but the act itself was a testament to how well the night had gone. It had been a rousing success. Jackie took a group of girls that barely knew each other and molded them into a team. More than that, she had made them feel totally at ease, as if they were old friends. Sure, the alcohol might have given her a helping hand, but ultimately it was her cheery attitude and willingness to invite them all that cemented it.
The girls were learning what Shauna already knew. Jackie was special. And she knew it, too. No one could look that happy about tidying up a messy living room without some sort of secret, inflated ego.
”Could you get that one under the table?” Jackie asked, pointing.
Shauna knelt to retrieve the slightly sticky cup, ducking down and back up at the pace of a slug. Her energy had been sapped in time with the girls’ departure. She’d rather leave the cleanup to the morning. Although, maybe that was too ambitious. Who knew how her first hangover would affect her?
”How are you still standing?” Shauna wondered aloud, once she was on her feet again.
”Some of us paced ourselves.” Jackie replied cheekily, shooting her a grin.
”Yeah, yeah.”
Shauna rolled her eyes. She’d learn self-control when she was dead.
For now, she sulked into the kitchen, dragging her feet, and tossed the cup away. She took the moment to gather herself. The room was dimly lit, nothing there but the outside glow of the streetlights. There was very little left to clean up. She could see there was only one cupcake left on the serving plate.
An idea struck her. Shauna navigated the kitchen easily, finding the candles in the upper cupboard and the lighter in the bottom drawer.
”Hey, Jackie.” She hummed, mustering up the last of her cheer as she came back in. She’d placed a single, lit candle in the middle, half-absorbed in frosting. “Happy birthday.”
Jackie turned to face her. She was nothing but a lithe silhouette in the dark. It was too hard to make out her facial features, but Shauna could imagine them well enough.
”Technically, my birthday’s over.” She pointed out.
”Fine, I’ll take my sappy gesture elsewhere.” Shauna teased, but she still stepped right up to her.
”Don’t you dare.” Jackie breathed.
Then, they were just silhouettes in the dark together.
Together. That seemed to be the central point to which all thoughts circled. As much fun as it had been to spend time with the other girls, nothing compared to their easy banter, their simple intimacy, their knowledge of one another.
The candlelight flickered, illuminating the planes of Jackie’s face. It had narrowed in recent months, the persistent softness giving way to high cheekbones and a straight jaw. Yet, the curve of her nose was the same, and her eyes still had that doll-like quality to them. They were working a familiar magic tonight, doing that forbidden spell that ensnared and trapped and crooked a daring finger.
Jackie blew out the candle.
Her hands came up to hold the cupcake, palms warm and pulsing beneath Shauna’s knuckles.
The touch was burning her up, making her feverish. “What’d you wish for?”
Wish for what you’ve always had. Wish for what’s already yours. Wish for me.
The lights flipped on suddenly, assaulting their senses. Jackie jumped, and the cupcake clattered to the floor, destroyed.
“What are you two doing sneaking around in the dark?” Mr. Taylor questioned. He was standing in his bath robe. “Head up to bed.”
“Yes, dad.”
”Sure, Mr. Taylor.”
Burnt ash had settled in her mouth. Shauna followed Jackie up the stairs, at a loss, feeling hot and cold all over, and nearly angry. Like she’d been stolen from.
”Wait.” She caught Jackie’s wrist on the top step, stilling her. She forced casualness into her voice. “You gonna tell me?”
Alarm showed, clear as day, on Jackie’s face, but when she spoke, she was perfectly steady.
“Jeff. I was hoping we’d get back together.”
She disappeared into her bedroom, and Shauna was left alone.