Chapter 1: 10 Things I Hate About You/RPF/Gilmore Girls
Chapter Text
INT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - OFFICE - DAY
We see MS PERKY, her eyes closed, sitting at a desk, with her hands hovering over a computer keyboard.
We see that the computer has a half-written script.
MS PERKY
Reginald came towards her and held her roughly. Adrian took his hands and…
MS PERKY scrunches up her face, then opens her eyes, rapidly pressing backspace.
CUT TO:
INT. HOME - NIGHT
We see a WOMAN, her eyes closed, sitting at a desk, with her hands hovering over a computer keyboard.
We see that the computer has almost no words written.
WOMAN
Rory took Jess’ hand and led him into the bedroom. Dean and Logan helped him undress…
The WOMAN scrunches up her face, then opens her eyes, and goes to the window, shutting the curtains.
Chapter 2: 13 Going on 30/RPF
Chapter Text
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
We see JENNA RINK standing next to a GIRL.
JENNA
I like your necklace.
GIRL
Thanks!
The GIRL looks up at JENNA.
GIRL
I like your dress.
JENNA
It’s ‘cos I’ve got these incredible boobs to fill them out!
The GIRL widens her eyes.
JENNA
Hey, can I ask you something?
GIRL
Sure.
JENNA
Can you tell I’m not wearing any underwear? ‘Cos I totally am!
The GIRL laughs.
GIRL
I think that’s kinda the point…
CUT TO:
INT. MALL - DAY
We see a WOMAN walking with a MAN, past shops and shop-goers.
WOMAN
Hey, can I ask you something?
MAN
Only if it’s clean.
WOMAN
Can you tell the underwear I’m wearing has no back flap?
The MAN turns with a frown.
MAN
What!
WOMAN
Well, they’ve deteriorated so I have to hook them up through the waistband. But sometimes they chafe and they just hang down. If someone pants’d me, they’d get full monty.
MAN
Moon! And - no!
The WOMAN sighs and shakes her head at the camera.
WOMAN
Men are so resistant to change.
Chapter 3: Mad Men/New Girl
Chapter Text
INT. DON DRAPER’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We see several coworkers of DON DRAPER’s assembled for his birthday, with JESSICA DAY dressed like MEGAN, dancing before DON.
JESSICA picks up the microphone.
JESSICA
Ohhhh… you heard it here first… zooby-zooby zoo…
JESSICA sways long-armed and slinky-haired, eyeing DON through dark lashes. She swoops upon him, then stands up again, pointing to the crowd in turn.
JESSICA
Zooby-zooby-zoo…
JESSICA grows red, then clears her throat.
JESSICA
En der twa - mmm mmm mmm - bougie bougie boo…
DON frowns slightly, as do the other guests.
JESSICA
Zoobie-zoobie zoo, zoobie zoo, zoobie zoo, zoobie I love you…
JESSICA nods to the tune, slamming to the ground like a rock star, aiming at DON.
JESSICA
Bonjour-croissant-deja vu!
JESSICA strums an invisible air guitar, her teeth biting her lip, while the crowd looks at each other with confused glances.
Chapter 4: Mad Men/New Girl
Chapter Text
INT. STERLING COOPER OFFICES - DAY
We see DON DRAPER standing with ROGER STERLING, among other associates, watching behind a one-way mirror.
ROGER
Do you think she can do it?
DON
We’ll see.
On the other side the mirror, appears JESSICA DAY, brightly smiling and dancing.
JESSICA
Bye, bye, su-gar… it’s nice to know ya. Bye-bye, Su-Gar…
ROGER
She’s got that look in her eye.
DON
Hmm.
Chapter 5: Will & Grace/Rimworld
Chapter Text
EXT. RIMWORLD - NIGHT
We see a gold plated base protected with every inch of security, where KAREN WALKER walks the walls, whipping slaves.
KAREN
Ha-ha!
There is movement from far away, and a group of traders in differing tribal outfits with muffalos and livestock come to trade. KAREN sighs, rolling her eyes.
KAREN
Lordy, lordy, look at all the freaks…
Chapter 6: Rimworld
Chapter Text
EXT - RIMWORLD - NIGHT
We see two settlers, a guy and a girl, picking rice in the fields as it grows dark.
GUY
I’m just saying -
GIRL
What? Why are you always yelling at me? And why can’t you pick up your items and put them in the storage zone?
The GUY sighs.
GUY
Are you upset because there’s a low psychic drone?
The GIRL stares, then pulls out her club and the GUY runs in the opposite direction and falls onto a trap, oozing blood.
Chapter 7: Alias/New Girl
Chapter Text
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
We see MICHAEL VAUGHN, looking down from a staircase railing at the club below, frowning with SYDNEY BRISTOW wearing a blonde wig and JULIAN SARK.
VAUGHN
It seems somebody got to Sanko before us.
Down on the club floor, NICK MILLER and JESSICA DAY have seated themselves opposite SANKO and his girlfriend.
SANKO
Ah, Mr Sark!
NICK
That’s me! Cupcakes and crumpets!
SANKO
And you must be Lauren Reed…
JESSICA
Ha-ha, yep. I love being evil.
SANKO
So, you want information about my chemical bomb?
NICK
Yes!
JESSICA
So Much!
SANKO
Well, I’ve heard of your predilections. I have a room in my club. I’d like to watch that.
NICK and JESSICA glance at each other, then back to SANKO, smiling.
INT. CLUB - PRIVATE ROOM - NIGHT
We see JESSICA and NICK on a large bed, as watched by SANKO. NICK is on all fours, barking like a dog, while JESSICA bounces on the bed.
NICK
Ruff! Ruff!
JESSICA
I’m a dirty girl, not you, me! I’m a dirty girl!
NICK rolls over on his back and puts his hands and legs in the air. JESSICA leaps onto them, falling over, he falls over, and they both clutch their heads.
JESSICA
Ow…
NICK
Jess, why’d you do that?
JESSICA
You mis-timed it!
NICK
No, you mis-timed it!
SANKO rubs his face and shakes his head.
Chapter 8: MADtv
Chapter Text
INT. CRUISE SHIP - DAY
We see a cruise ship letting passengers off, including MISS SWAN. She goes up to the reception desk to hand in her things, rapping on the desk.
MISS SWAN
Hel-looooo?
The RECEPTIONIST smiles awkwardly.
RECEPTIONIST
Erm, hello, how may I help you ma’am? I hope you had a great trip on this cruise!
MISS SWAN
Ya, I want to talk about the mo-ney.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, your final bill?
MISS SWAN
Mmm, ya, ya.
RECEPTIONIST
Erm, let’s see… that’s how much you paid up front, and then this is what you paid for all the extras.
MISS SWAN
Ya, ya. It included.
RECEPTIONIST
No, ma’am, it’s specified in our terms and conditions that when you order room service, or drinks at the bar without buying the package, that you are charged full for those costs.
MISS SWAN
Mmm, no-no.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, ma’am -
MISS SWAN
What, you try to rip me off?
Chapter 9: The Chase/Austin Powers
Chapter Text
INT. CHASER GAME SHOW - DAY
We see four people behind a counter, where BRADLEY WALSH stands in front of a podium.
BRADLEY
Come on forward -
One of the CONTESTANTS walks up to BRADLEY. BRADLEY turns to the camera.
BRADLEY
It’s time now, to meet the Chaser.
Familiar music sounds, red lights flash, and DR EVIL walks up from the dark towards the overhead counter. He is smirking, stiffly glancing this way and that, and trips and falls.
Everyone looks concerned, then DR EVIL pops back up.
DR EVIL
I’m OK, I’m OK.
DR EVIL settles himself in the chair, seeming to test whether it is a rotating chair or not, and relaxes with a smile.
FRAU FARBISSINA
Bring On The Chase!
Everyone staggers, and DR EVIL waves his hand.
DR EVIL
Not now, Frau. We don’t need you.
DR EVIL turns to the CONTESTANT.
DR EVIL
So. You think you can beat Dr Evil?
CONTESTANT
Yes, I think I can.
BRADLEY
Ooh, he’s got spirit!
DR EVIL
Quiet!
DR EVIL peers down at the CONTESTANT. BRADLEY coughs nervously.
BRADLEY
So, you’ll start off with five thousand dollars. But if you want to start with a step closer to home, the Chaser will offer you -
DR EVIL
An evil nothing.
BRADLEY
Nothing! Cor blimey. And if you want to take a step closer to the Chaser, he’ll offer you -
DR EVIL
One hundred - billion - schabba dabba doo - yen.
The CONTESTANT glances at BRADLEY.
CONTESTANT
I’ll take the five thousand.
DR EVIL shrugs, nonchalant. BRADLEY rubs his hands and looks at the camera.
BRADLEY
Alright, then. Let’s begin the Chase!
FRAU
Begin The Chaaaase!
Familiar music sounds, and a pop up box on screen appears.
BRADLEY
Which of the following is the most evil doctor in the world?
BRADLEY looks stunned, then shakes his head and continues.
BRADLEY
A, Doctor Evil.
DR EVIL smiles and looks self-satisfied.
BRADLEY
B, Doctor Evil. Or C… Doctor Evil.
Familiar urgent music sounds, and the CONTESTANT and DR EVIL puts in their votes.
BRADLEY
You’ve put… A, Dr Evil.
CONTESTANT
Yeah, I mean, they’re all the same.
BRADLEY
Right… and Dr Evil’s put…
DR EVIL smiles.
DR EVIL
C, Dr Evil.
BRADLEY
Let’s see who’s right…
Tense music plays, and the light flashes over option A. DR EVIL stands up in a huff, furious.
DR EVIL
Kill Them All!
FRAU
Open The Taaaaank!
The ground beneath the contestants and BRADLEY opens up to reveal a large pool of water with sharks with laser beams attached to their heads who quickly swarm.
Chapter 10: Victoria & Abdul
Chapter Text
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - OFFICE - DAY
We see QUEEN VICTORIA, standing before LORD SALISBURY.
QUEEN VICTORIA
Prime Minister, where is Abdul? He is quite dishy, I find.
LORD SALISBURY
Your Majesty, we have learned that he has gonorrhea.
QUEEN VICTORIA staggers, holding for comfort onto the edge of her desk, clapping a hand to her mouth, slowly lowering it.
QUEEN VICTORIA
Ew!
QUEEN VICTORIA turns, raising an eyebrow with a shrug, shaking herself a little.
QUEEN VICTORIA
If true.
Chapter 11: Legally Blonde/RPF
Chapter Text
INT. BEAUTY SALON - DAY
We see ELLE WOODS sitting opposite a manicurist counter facing PAULETTE BONAFONTE. A delivery man enters, and promptly stumbles and drops what he was carrying.
TOM HARDY, wandering over, helps the man up, then picks up the item and wanders over to PAULETTE.
PAULETTE and ELLE look excitedly at each other, squealing and regaining their composure.
TOM
Ahem. I’ve got a package.
PAULETTE and ELLE slowly glance at TOM. PAULETTE blushes and ELLE glances at TOM.
ELLE
He’s - he’s got a package.
Chapter 12: Family Guy/Harry Potter
Chapter Text
INT. GODRIC’S HOLLOW - GRIFFIN RESIDENCE - NIGHT
We see LORD VOLDEMORT blasting the front door open. PETER GRIFFIN, with messy dark hair and glasses, cups his hands to shout upstairs.
PETER
Lois! It’s him! Run!
VOLDEMORT raises his wand.
VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavra!
PETER grimaces as he is blasted by green light, falling down every step and landing on his face.
STEWIE GRIFFIN, in his crib, claps and laughs.
STEWIE
Oh, that’s a good one, ha-ha.
VOLDEMORT proceeds upstairs and into STEWIE’s bedroom. LOIS GRIFFIN flings out her hands in front of STEWIE.
LOIS
No, don’t kill Stewie! Kill me!
STEWIE
Oh, please do, it would be great fun.
VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavra!
LOIS
Ah!
LOIS drops to the floor, and STEWIE claps.
STEWIE
Oh, good fun, good fun.
VOLDEMORT approaches STEWIE’s crib, and STEWIE frowns.
STEWIE
Hey man, what are you doing?
VOLDEMORT raises his wand at STEWIE, and STEWIE as quickly pulls out his ray gun and points at VOLDEMORT.
STEWIE
I’m going to count to three. And you’d best be gone, hear what I’m sayin’?
EXT. GODRIC’S HOLLOW - GRIFFIN HOUSE - NIGHT
We see the upper windows of the house lit alternately by flashes of green light and the sounds of ray gun pew-pews.
Chapter 13: Harry Potter
Chapter Text
INT. LEAKY CAULDRON - DAY
We see HARRY POTTER being led with HAGRID towards PROFESSOR QUIRRELL.
HAGRID
Oh, hello Professor Quirrell! Harry, meet your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.
QUIRRELL
Oh, y-y-yes. N-n-not that you’ll need it, eh, Mr Potter?
HARRY smiles and nods.
HARRY
No, I defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort when I was a baby.
QUIRRELL shudders, HAGRID blanches, and the room goes quiet. HARRY produces a loudspeaker, aiming it at QUIRRELL’S ear.
HARRY
I Said, I Defeated The Dark Lord Voldemort When I Was A Baby!
Chapter 14: Harry Potter
Chapter Text
INT. KING’S CROSS STATION - DAY
We see HARRY POTTER wheeling his trolley up to a security guard.
HARRY
Excuse me. Can you help me find Platform nine and three quarters?
GUARD
Platform nine and three quarters? Think you’re bein’ funny, do ya?
HARRY continues walking. He comes upon PROFESSOR QUIRRELL.
HARRY
Excuse me. Can you help me find Platform Nine and Three Quarters?
QUIRRELL
Oh, y-y-yes. You just run t-t-there. At t-t-that brick wall.
QUIRRELL points and HARRY nods. He aims his trolley at the brick wall between platforms eleven and twelve, frowning. He takes it at a run, and crashes, causing chaos.
QUIRRELL is howling with laughter.
Chapter 15: Harry Potter
Chapter Text
INT. KING’S CROSS STATION - DAY
We see HARRY POTTER wheeling his trolley up to a security guard.
HARRY
Excuse me. Can you help me find Platform nine and three quarters?
GUARD
Platform nine and three quarters? Think you’re bein’ funny, do ya?
HARRY continues walking. He comes upon the WEASLEYs, and MOLLY WEASLEY provides an explanation as her kids run forth.
MOLLY
You just give it a good run if you’re nervous.
GINNY
Good luck!
HARRY takes a deep breath and runs with his trolley at the brick wall. He emerges on the other side with relief and a smile, his smile dropping to see there is an empty set of sails and nobody around, and the sign above reads ‘Platform Nine and ¼’.
HARRY
Oh, bugger it.
Elsa kevin (Guest) on Chapter 1 Wed 20 Aug 2025 04:58PM UTC
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moutpep2 (Guest) on Chapter 15 Mon 26 Feb 2024 12:17AM UTC
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