Chapter Text
Gusu: The Present Day
The hotel function room they were using for the event was high-class and old-fashioned. The electric lights were masked in traditional style lanterns. There were wooden floors, low tables were placed strategically around the room. Right now, some of the guests were wandering around and mingling whilst others enjoyed conversations sitting at the tables. The sky outside the large windows was dark, the lights of the city drowning out all signs of the stars.
Whilst the room was buzzing with conversation, it was not particularly boisterous for a party, but as far as Lan Wangji was concerned, that was how he preferred it. Some of his work colleagues were here, but most of the people were connections of his uncle’s.
Lan Wangji had not wanted to have this gathering, but his uncle had insisted. He had never been particularly good at socialising and, given what the purpose of this event was, it felt to him more like he was waiting for his execution than it was a celebration.
Which is what led him to slip out onto the balcony, delighting in the feel of the autumn air against his skin. The days were growing colder, but he had never minded that. Below him was the breathtaking sight of the city spread out below him. Countless people were going about their lives, dealing with their own griefs, triumphs, and heartbreaks. He found it strangely comforting to know that whatever he himself was facing, there were others who had found joy. What one felt today, another would tomorrow. Everything swung around in cycles and that had a beauty to it that he could appreciate.
In the light of what many might be facing, his own woes were small. It was more a case of regrets than anything else. A week from now his life would change. It had done so before and it would do so again. Perhaps it was not so scary after all. Marrying his best friend was hardly a hardship and he would be unlikely to find someone else so willing to accept him given who he was.
He took his phone out, a wave of longing to see his brother’s face overtaking him. Without meaning to, he looked up his name in his contact list and then stared at it for a long time, his finger hovering over the call button.
“Wangji? Ah, there you are. Is everything alright?” His uncle’s voice came from the doorway leading back into the hotel.
Before his uncle could see he quickly slipped the phone back into his pocket. He turned to face his uncle, grateful that his usual bland expression would give nothing away of his inner turmoil, “I am well. I simply wished for some air.”
His uncle nodded, stroking his goatee absentmindedly, “You should not neglect your guests for too long.”
“I shall return shortly.” He reassured his uncle. The other man simply nodded again and headed back into the hotel with no further words exchanged.
It was a relief in some ways. Though his uncle was wrong, no one was here at this party for his sake and he very much doubted that any of them would so much as notice his absence. His uncle was the only one who was likely to and he already had.
One week. Then he would be married. To a woman. Which… was certainly not where he expected his life to go, at least, not since he was a child. He and Luo Qingyang had been friends for years and she was certainly the most important person in his life these days. But he was still very gay and this whole thing was more to please his uncle than it was anything else. On Luo Qingyang’s part, it was more a matter of practicalities. Her own family was hardly wealthy and since her husband had died two years previously she was struggling to raise her daughter on her own. Lan Wangji had always been willing to help out, but this way she got to offer something in return. It seemed a fair arrangement, she was still grieving and did not wish for another relationship and for his part he had no interest that way in women. But a marriage between friends who loved and respected one another was better than what many people had.
There was just a part of him that had, at one point, envisaged something else for himself. A different life where he married the love of his life and had a family with him. But that dream ended a long time ago. This was his consolation prize he supposed and it was not a bad life at all.
* * *
Gusu: Thirteen Years Ago
It had been at the beginning of a beautiful summer day when he met Luo Qingyang. He had gone to a local park to try and get himself together. Instead all he had done was torture himself by remembering how often he had gone there with Wei Ying. Hearing echoes of his laugh as he had dragged Lan Wangji on whatever adventure had gripped him at the time. There was a bench in one corner of the park, sheltered under a huge magnolia tree that most people didn’t seem to know about. At night, couples would often use it as a rendezvous but, at this time of day, it was the perfect place for Lan Wangji to hide.
The bench overlooked a small lake filled with lotus flowers, one of the reasons Wei Ying loved it so much, it had always reminded him of his home. Now, the sight of them was overwhelming Lan Wangji with grief, his chest hurt and he was struggling to breathe. It felt as if someone had staved his ribs in with a mallet and the fragments of his bones were piercing his internal organs one by one.
He wasn’t even aware that he was crying until he was startled by the feel of a drop of liquid falling onto his hands as they lay folded in his lap. Most people would have probably been sobbing at this point, but Lan Wangji’s grief and pain had always been a quiet thing. Even in this lonely place with only his feelings for company, the tears trickled out of him, running in rivulets down his cheeks and splashing into his lap, disappearing like rainfall into the lake.
A white object dropped into his lap and Lan Wangji startled at the sudden appearance. It was a handkerchief with lace edges and pink embroidery around the corners. He glanced at where it seemed to have come from, not raising his head very much as he did not want whoever it was to see his face.
Standing a short distance away from the bench was a young woman with long, dark brown hair. She was wearing blue jeans and a strappy fuschia top which seemed to have a peony design on the front of it.
Turning his head back to face his own lap he picked up the handkerchief and held it out, “I have no need for this, thank you.”
He hoped that she would take it back and then leave him in peace. There was no one he wanted to talk to about any of this, let alone a stranger.
“Look, I am not trying to interfere. You don’t have to tell me anything about why you’re upset. But the handkerchief will at least help you dry your eyes.” There was a pause and he could hear a sort of shuffling noise, “And look, I can’t just leave someone alone when they are clearly so upset. I need to make sure you’re going to be fine. I can call someone if you want? But you shouldn’t be miserable and alone.”
A lump lodged in his throat and he turned his whole body away from her, the tension in his shoulders causing him to hunch his whole back up. Waves of unease flooded him at the thought of this strange woman staying near him and he tried to disappear into himself. Usually, he was unwelcoming enough that people left him alone so he hoped that it would do the same trick here.
Instead, he felt a shadow pass briefly over him and then there was a creak as someone sat down on the bench next to him. His first instinct was to try and run away, but she didn’t seem to be actually doing anything. She made no attempt to touch him, just sat next to him without saying a word.
After a while his tears started to let up and he found himself dabbing at his eyes with the handkerchief before he realised what he was doing. He then offered it over to his companion without looking at her, feeling very awkward.
“No, it’s fine. You can keep it. At least for now. I’m Luo Qingyang by the way, but my friends all call me Mianmian.”
For a long moment Lan Wangji sat there in silence, not trusting himself to speak. A part of him also wasn’t sure if he wanted someone who had seen him in this state to know his name, but not answering her would be rude. In the end the ingrained need to be polite won over, “I am Lan Wangji.” He responded, not willing to give her the nickname that his mother had called him and that only Wei Ying had ever used for him.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She sounded like she was smiling, which Lan Wangji felt was strange. Most people were not happy to meet him. It was Wei Ying who had always actually seemed delighted by his presence. Thoughts of him just made Lan Wangji’s heart ache again, the raw wound in his chest throbbing at the reminder.
Not knowing how to respond he just inclined his head politely. His facility for speech was even more limited right now than it usually tended to be.
“This spot is really lovely. I am surprised more people don’t know about its existence. It’s especially nice at the moment with the lotuses in bloom. Are you at Gusu university? I am just finishing up my first year and I'm loving it so far. I'm studying chemistry. I like knowing how the world fits together, you know? There’s so much to it all! There’s beauty in everything, even things so small we can’t really see them without help. I just think that’s pretty neat.” She babbled away, seemingly content to talk without expecting any input from him. It reminded him of Wei Ying, but somehow comforted him anyway. Perhaps it was because he did not get close to many people. Somehow this woman understood something about him in a similar way.
Eventually, he felt compelled to say something, “You do not have to sit with me.”
“Nope! I know that. But… I have seen that look before. I know what heartbreak feels like and I don’t think anyone should go through that alone. Like I said, you don’t have to tell me anything. I am not going to pry. But… you might need a friend and I can always do with more of those.”
He felt his eyes get wet again from her kindness, “I… thank you. I do not have many friends.”
“Well, now you have one more.”
Lan Wangji looked over at her and smiled, it was not much, more a twitch at the corner of his mouth than anything else. Still, she grinned back at him and for a moment, Lan Wangji felt some peace after all the turmoil his heart had gone through in the last twenty-four hours. For the first time, he felt like things might have a chance to be alright again.
* * *
Gusu: The Present Day
The memory was a good one. His friendship with Luo Qingyang had thrived after that point. She helped him get through the loss of Wei Ying. The pain hadn’t gone, but it did become a lot easier to live with. He had even helped her to get together with her husband, encouraging the man when he had seemed worried that there was something between Lan Wangji and Luo Qingyang.
They had been a part of each other’s lives for a long time now and he never regretted a single day of that.
He sighed, taking one last look at the view beneath him. This might not end up being the life he had wanted when he was younger, but being her husband and a proper father to her daughter, that was not a bad life at all.
Just as he turned around and was going to go back inside, a loud burst of laughter came from inside the room, shooting a bolt straight through his heart. For a moment he almost thought it was someone else’s laugh, but that was a sound he had not heard in a very, very long time.
* * *
Gusu: Thirteen Years Ago
When Lan Wangji went to university, it was expected that he would go to Gusu. It was the one his family had always gone to. He was a Legacy, it was part of his heritage. The fact that it meant that he could stay at home instead of living on campus was also part of the expectations.
At that point, Lan Wangji had never done anything to go against his uncle’s wishes. He followed the path that had been laid out for him as though he had chosen it himself and never thought to walk a different one. His uncle had given him everything, had been almost all the family he had left after he lost his parents, he owed the man all he had. It seemed impossible to do anything other than try and be the man his uncle expected of him.
Everyone else his age was probably engaged in all of the activities for freshers, but he had no interest in any of that. He had already read all the course books that were required reading, but there were a lot of recommended texts that he was keen to get started on. It was a good chance for him to get ahead of the curve, read them before the rest of the class caught up to where he was now and they were in higher demand.
The library was ancient and definitely was his favourite place on campus. There was a massive tree out front which was centuries old. When the weather was better he had every intention of reading under there, it seemed like it would be a wonderful place for that.
But the campus was very busy with people today, all milling around and talking, so staying inside with the books seemed like a much more sensible idea. The smell in here was calming, it reminded him of his uncle’s study at home, though this collection was far more impressive. Even though the shelves were old, they were well maintained, not a speck of dust anywhere.
Once he had a modest pile of books, he made his way to one of the reading lounges and found a table by one of the windows, putting the stack of books to one side whilst he fished out his notebook and pen. Most students would probably have written their notes directly into a laptop, but Lan Wangji loved the feel of writing on paper, the way the ink captured the words was a sort of magic to him.
A familiar sense of peace settled over him as he started to read, taking notes as he went. There was an order to this that reassured him, made the world make more sense. At least for a while. The noise and the tumult of people always crept back in, but it was nice whilst it lasted.
He was so caught up in his work that it was not until the buzzing in his pocket that he realised that quite some time had passed. He took out his phone and saw that he had a missed call from his uncle, given the time he was probably worried. There was no possibility of him using the phone in the library, so he quickly and carefully put his things away, put the books back and then hurried out of the library.
There were fewer people about now, most activities would be taking place off campus by this point. Alcohol was banned on the premises so the student unions were off-site so that they would not be breaking any of the rules.
Lan Wangji was in such a rush to get home that he was not entirely watching where he was going. Before he realised that someone was in his way he thumped into them, falling backwards onto the path, his bag landing some distance away and spilling out the contents.
He started to stammer an apology to the person he had run into, looking up to find bright eyes beaming at him. The other man was almost as tall as he was, with hair that was buzzed very short at the back and sides, but fell forward a little at the front. His clothing was almost all black, with red highlights here and there and a black coat on over the top. A hand appeared in front of Lan Wangji’s eyes and he moved to take it, to allow the stranger to help him up when he spotted what was in the man’s other hand: a bottle of rice wine.
Rage blossomed within him that someone would break the campus’ rules so flagrantly. He got to his feet, ignoring the outstretched hand and glared at the other man, trying hard to ignore how beautiful he was.
“Whoa! You ran into me! There’s no need to look at me like I just killed your beloved pet or something!”
“Alcohol is forbidden on campus.” Lan Wangji spat out through gritted teeth.
A nervous chuckle was the other man’s response, “Look, it’s not that big a deal surely? Do you want some? I am happy to share if that helps!”
Now Lan Wangji’s whole body was shaking with fury. Not only had this man brought alcohol onto campus he was now trying to bribe him? “Shameless! Your name?”
A mischievous grin lit up the other man’s face, “Now gege, why would I tell you that? You’ll only get me into trouble after all.”
The anger boiling inside of Lan Wangji overwhelmed him at that point and he ran at the other man, trying to grab the bottle out of his hand. His nemesis tried to dodge out of the way, but was somewhat taken by surprise and the two of them ended up rolling around on the grass. It was less of a fight and more of a very bad wrestling match. Neither of them seemed to be exactly out of shape, but they also weren’t exactly trying to harm each other. Lan Wangji was trying to grab the bottle and his opponent was attempting to keep it out of his reach.
“You know if you wanted to get your hands on me there are easier ways to achieve that! You could just ask or something.”
Those words just inspired Lan Wangji to an even greater level of anger than he would have ever imagined was possible. He managed to roll himself on top of the other man, one hand pinning the wrist with the bottle whilst he tried to wrench it free with his other hand.
He almost had it when he was suddenly flipped and pinned in return. Both of his hands were captured above his head and this grinning gremlin of a man was staring down at him in a way that was filling Lan Wangji with a lot of deeply complicated feelings. “You really are stubbornly persistent, which I honestly respect. Look, I am going to leave now and it’s probably best for both of us to pretend that this never happened. Though, if you ever want me to pin you in other situations, just let me know.” He then proceeded to wink at Lan Wangji whilst the man pulled the cork off the bottle with his teeth and then tipped a good amount of the wine down his throat.
Lan Wangji was helpless to do anything other than watch the progress of some spilled drops of wine making their way down the other man’s throat. He felt hot all over, a strange discomfort running through his body. A part of him desperately wanted to get up and get away from this man, another part of him was strangely entranced by being at his mercy and wanted to struggle more just to see what he would do.
A heated look seemed to come over the other man for a moment, “Woah, you have no idea how good you look like that.” He shook his head, “Right, I am going to get up now and then we’re going to go our separate ways. I sort of hope I run into you again though, but hopefully in better circumstances.” With that he let go of Lan Wangji’s wrists and was on his feet and running off down the path before Lan Wangji could say anything.
For some reason he couldn’t put his finger on, Lan Wangji kept laying back on the damp grass. His heart was pounding in his chest whilst he still seemed to be struggling to catch his breath, which was strange because he hadn’t exactly been doing anything too strenuous. When he finally tried to sit up he realised one reason he was feeling so strange, he was apparently uncomfortably aroused. His ears heated and he was very glad that no one else was around. But he was also now very late to get home and his uncle was bound to scold him for his mussed appearance. How was he supposed to explain any of this to him?
Eventually he picked himself up and tried to tidy his appearance as best as he could. It would be easy enough to explain at least some of what had happened. A lie of omission might also be bad, but he could hardly tell his uncle that this stranger had evoked a sexual response in him. It was probably nothing to worry about, just a reaction to the physical situation he had been in. It didn’t mean anything! He tried to convince himself of that, a niggling voice in the back of his head seemed to suggest otherwise, but he was not ready to face that just yet.
He hurried down the path towards home. His uncle had a house not too far off campus, it was convenient for both of them and there was more space than two people really needed. Lan Wangji tried not to think of when it had been more than just the two of them.
The house was completely detached giving them a great deal of privacy from any neighbours and had a massive garden enclosed by a large metal fence. The building itself was centuries old and had been the ancestral residence of his family going back generations. His father and his uncle had grown up in this place, as had he and his older brother.
Opening the gate he could see lights on inside and swallowed hard, feeling a reluctance to head inside that he had not felt in many years. Still, the gate shut behind him with a clang and he started to walk down the cobbled path to the door.
He barely had his key in the door when he heard his uncle’s voice calling out from inside the house, “Wangji! Where have you been?”
It took him but a moment to enter and close the door after him. Then he took off his boots and put on his house slippers, hanging his coat up by the door as he did so. “Apologies uncle, I lost track of time at the library and ran into someone on campus who was breaking the rules on my way home.”
His uncle appeared in the door to the kitchen, a frown on his face, “A rule-breaker? Did you know them?”
Lan Wangji shook his head, a little confused as to why his uncle might think he knew them. He had never really had friends and given that he was new to the university he was unlikely to know anyone yet.
“Hmmm, well, if you find out who they were then report them. What rule were they breaking?”
“They had alcohol on campus.” Lan Wangji explained, flinching a little as he saw his uncle take in his appearance.
“Did you get into a fight with them?” His uncle almost growled, clearly quite angry.
“Not exactly. I did attempt to take the alcohol off them but I was unsuccessful.” It was in no way a full account of what happened but he was still reluctant to explain further.
“And how did you end up with grass stains on your clothes?” His uncle gestured to the state of his outfit.
“I fell over in my attempt to take the alcohol from the other student.” It was not exactly a lie, but it was too uncomfortably close to one for Lan Wangji to be happy about it.
“Hmph. Well, you will need to get changed before dinner, which is ready so be quick about it.”
Lan Wangji bowed in apology, “I shall do so now uncle. Apologies for being late.”
“Accepted. Try not to do it again.” He dismissed Lan Wangji with a nod and headed back into the kitchen.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Lan Wangji headed into his bedroom. He was aware that it would probably be considered a strange place by most other people his age. It contained his bed, a desk, a couple of shelves filled with books and very little else. He did not have much in the way of personal possessions beyond his books. The art on his walls was a mix of pieces that he had liked and a couple that his brother had given to him as gifts years ago and which he stubbornly clung to.
He got out a change of trousers and a fresh shirt. As he started to undress he realised that he had slight bruises on his wrists where the other man had held his wrists and shivered slightly at the sight of them. He pressed his fingers against them, delighting slightly in the gentle throb of pain that it caused. As he felt his body responding to the thoughts he immediately let go as if his own skin burned him. He quickly dressed, making sure that the shirt was tight enough around the wrists to hide any possible trace of the bruises there.
It would definitely be in his best interest if he could forget all about the man who had caused them. It was a big campus after all, there was a good chance that he would never run into him again.
With this resolution made he went through to have dinner with his uncle and get back to his life where he did his duty and excelled at his schoolwork and didn’t have to think or worry about anything else.
* * *
Gusu: The Present Day
Thoughts of Wei Ying were definitely getting too much now. Thankfully he had been at the party for long enough now that he could easily make his excuses and leave.
He made his apologies and headed out of the hotel. The night air was pleasant and he took a moment to breathe it in before he walked the few blocks from where he was to his own place. It was in one of the newer buildings, a penthouse which gave him excellent views of the city. His uncle had not entirely approved of the purchase, not understanding why Lan Wangji wanted to have his own place when the family house was plenty big enough to contain the two of them. It had been impossible to explain that he needed his own space, to exist somewhere that didn’t drown in so many painful memories. Honestly, he did not understand how his uncle could still live there given all that had happened to their family and assumed it was man’s stubborn nature that made him stay.
The modern nature of the place was one of his uncle’s main objections, but it was a matter of practicality for Lan Wangji. If he wanted to live in the heart of Gusu then he was very unlikely to find an old place that fit his purpose. Given that it would soon hold Luo Qingyang and her daughter then it had turned out to be a very good decision. Whilst the family home would in some ways be a better place for a child to be raised given the garden and such, he also could not bear to see such a sweet child grow up somewhere so haunted with grief and sorrow.
Perhaps he and Luo Qingyang could look for somewhere more suitable for little Mianmian in the near future, but neither of them had wanted to leap into doing so when it would involve even more disruption to their lives. His place was close enough to where Luo Qingyang lived now that there would be no changes required to registrations for school or medical care. Given all that had happened, giving Mianmian stability was their priority.
Once he got home and sat down on his sofa, he stared into space for a moment. He smiled at the thought that he would have company there soon. He was looking forward to having this place gain a little more mess and have a more lived in look to it. He had never been able to shed the aestheticism of his childhood and it would be nice to have this place feel more like a home.
A quiet buzzing caught his attention and he pulled out his phone and smiled when he saw the number pop up, “How did you guess I would be home already?” He asked, fairly sure of the answer already.
Luo Qingyang’s laughter echoed in his ears, “As if you were likely to stay for too long. I wasn’t sure if you would have left even earlier, but I figured that your uncle might have guilted you into staying longer. Is everything fine?”
“Mn. I was just thinking how much I am looking forward to the two of you moving in here. It will be nice for the place to feel less empty.”
“Well I am glad to hear it. We are excited too. It will be nice to have more space, though I fear you are going to regret this decision when you see how much mess Mianmian causes!” He could hear the warmth and love in her voice as she spoke of her daughter and it made him smile.
“I am sure I will cope. I have managed with worse in the past. It will be a big adjustment for all of us I am sure, but not a bad one. Your room and Mianmian’s are both all set-up for you now. I moved my books into my study, it is a bit more crowded in there now but the library was the perfect size for Mianmian’s room. You should come and have a look soon and make sure that the repainting is exactly what you both want.” The refurbishments had been made over the last couple of months but Lan Wangji had been determined to have everything be perfect for the two of them when they moved in.
“That sounds wonderful, I am sure we will love it. I can bring Mianmian over tomorrow if you like? It’s Sunday so we have the whole day free so we can head over whenever you wish.”
“Excellent. You know I get up early so whenever is most convenient for you, just let me know when you are heading over and that will be fine.” He already had some of their things here, Luo Qingyang had occasionally stayed in the spare room which was now to be her room. For Mianmian it would be the first time she had a room of her own and she was very excited about the prospect.
“I’ll shoot you a text when I am about to head over. I look forward to seeing you then, but right now you should get some sleep. Dealing with that many people must have exhausted you.” There was a gentle chiding to her tone which made Lan Wangji smile.
“That is true, but you know I will always have the energy to talk to you. Or at least listen.” He acknowledged with the last comment, knowing himself well enough to understand that sometimes speech was beyond him.
“I know that, but that is never going to stop me from wanting you to look after yourself. You tend to care a lot for other people but you’re still bad at relying on them in turn.” Now she sounded both fond and a little exasperated.
“You know me too well. I am… trying. It is just difficult. I have been used to relying mostly on myself for a long time now, it is a hard habit to break.”
“Well, I am going to keep affectionately bullying you about it in order to help, so deal with it. Which means you are going to hang up now and go get some sleep. I will speak to you tomorrow. If by a miracle you actually sleep in, I will assume if I don’t get a message back that you are asleep and wait till I hear from you to head over.”
He loved the ease of their banter, even this short conversation had already relaxed him a great deal, “That is unlikely. It makes sense as a system though. I shall go to bed then and see you in the morning.”
“Night! Sleep well.” With that they both hung up, neither of them one for protracted goodbyes. It was one of Luo Qingyang’s better qualities, one of many.
Now that he was no longer involved in a conversation he found himself yawning. She had not been wrong in how much such socialising took out of him. It was definitely time for him to get to bed, he had another busy day tomorrow so he needed some rest.
He made his way through to his bedroom, getting undressed and into his pyjamas before carefully putting his clothes from the day into the correct washbaskets. The exhaustion was so bad by the time he had done his nightly ablutions he barely had to climb under his duvet before sleep claimed him utterly.
When he woke the next morning there was a lingering sadness in him, which faded as whatever dream he had been gripped in did. It was an old grief and one he was all too used to. Whilst he could not remember what he had dreamed of, the fact that he had been thinking so much of Wei Ying the night before meant it was probably to do with him. Whatever it was he was likely better off not remembering, the ache in his chest he felt now was bad enough. He needed to be thinking of the future and not the past.
As he reached over and grabbed his phone to see what the time was he was surprised to find that he appeared to have a missed phone call from an unknown number and also a voicemail.
He frowned to himself, having no idea at all why someone would have possibly phoned him so far past his bedtime. Everyone who knew him well also knew that he was never going to be up at that sort of time. After taking a moment to steel himself against the unknown, he rang his mailbox and waited.
“Um hi Lan Zhan… I guess you weren’t expecting to hear from me…”
A loud ringing filled his ears and for a moment Lan Wangji thought he might faint. That nickname. That voice. It was Wei Ying.
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