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Keigo,
I don’t know if you’re okay with me calling you Keigo, but Shoto told me you’re not using "Hawks" anymore so… I will call you Keigo. I go by Touya now, in case you’re wondering. You probably don’t really care. Don’t know.
I’m writing this letter with my therapist. I think you should know. She’s gonna read my shit and tell me if it’s appropriate. You should also know that this is the fifth draft. Writing to you is fucking hard. And I wanna do it right. I have a lot to say, but I don’t want to overstep. I get that we’re done and you’ve already said goodbye when I was in the hospital. You probably don’t want me to contact you ever again. But I have to do this. Just once. I promise that after that, I will leave you alone, although you don’t really have to worry because it’s not like I could go out of prison.
I have three things that I need to tell you. I’m gonna write them right now, so you can prepare yourself. And if you don’t want to read the entire letter, you can stop after this.
I’m sorry.
I hated you.
I loved you.
I don’t really know how I feel about you now.
That’s four things, not three. Sorry.
I’m gonna elaborate now. Maybe it’s the part where you stop reading and send this letter on fire. Or maybe not. That’s up to you?
I think I should tell you that you don’t have to read me or answer me. You don’t owe me anything. Should probably have written that at the beginning.
I’m sorry, Keigo. And I mean it.
I’m sorry about burning your wings. That was cruel. And in case you were wondering, yes I did it on purpose. And that was fucked up. I hate writing that because it makes it more real and fucking horrible. But my therapist says that I should admit my crimes and take responsibility and shit. Intentionally mutilating you is one of my crimes. I’m sorry. My apology won’t make your wings grow back, but I’ve learnt the hard way that it’s still something.
I’m also sorry about treating you like shit. Before the war, I mean. About shouting at you, insulting you, degrading you, burning you and everything.
I think it’s even harder to write this than admitting I fucking mutilated you on purpose. Because I can’t use the excuse of the opposite sides and stuff.
I wish I’d never done that. Being a fucking abusing whatever-we-were. I’m sorry. And I know that being sorry will never be enough. But that’s all I can give you.
Should I tell you why I acted like this? Do you really wanna know why? I don’t know.
I was in love with you. And I hated you for not loving me back. For being a spy. For tricking me. I know it’s my fault. I thought I could take advantage of you just like you did. But you were too good at your job, Hawks. And I was too lonely and needy for not falling into your trap. You probably know that. That’s why you chose this plan, right? And it worked, despite everything. I told you almost everything and in the end, I couldn’t even kill you when I wanted to.
I’m sorry for hurting you, even if I hated you. You didn’t have to love me back. I was an A-rank villain. You did what you had to do. Probably what they ordered you to do too. And I was an easy target.
I’m sorry, Keigo. But I’m still angry at you, though. I know it’s probably ironic to be mad at someone who "hurt your feelings" when you killed dozens of people but that’s how I feel.
I think that answers the "I don’t know how I feel about you" part. I’m angry. But I don’t think I still hate you. Maybe a little bit? But not much.
I don’t know if I should send you this letter or write another one. I will ask my therapist. She says that I should be authentic. This is very authentic. No lying, no hiding. But maybe it’s too much.
I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry.
I hope you’re okay now.
Touya.