I'm Not Afraid of You

by orphan_account

Summary:

Being reunited with a childhood friend can sober a person to the effect of time, especially if they end up changing on you. When Komaeda and Hinata were reunited again, Hinata barely recognized him. It made him realize that some people change for reasons they would much rather forget. And sometimes it still haunts them. Of course, precious little Hajime has problems of his own: between family crisis, coming to terms with his sexuality, and hating who he is, will he really be able to support someone emotionally when he can barely support himself?

Teen and up for some heavy subjects.
It's not as scary as I'm making it sound! I promise!

Notes:

This chapter took me forever to write. I hope you like it.
The songs featured in this chapter are "Aberdeen" by Cage the Elephant and "The Trick to Life" by the Hoosiers, both excellent songs.
Over and out!

Chapter 1: Girlfriends and Closets

1 New Message

Makoto Naegi

 

N: Hey I’m outside the complex. You coming?

H: I just got done with breakfast, be there in a minute.

N: Ok. No rush.

 

   I grabbed my backpack and checked for the necessities. Notes, textbook, pencils, phone, house keys….it looked good. It appeared kind of windy outside, so I also threw on a dark grey jacket. I glanced at the kitchen calendar. It was Friday. I sighed. I would probably have to get it over with today, then. My dad was still eating his breakfast, dressed in his business attire.

   “You heading off to school? It’s still pretty early.”

   “I know. I just don’t want to keep Makoto waiting.”

   “I see. Have a good day.”

   “You too. I’ll see you tonight.”

Less than a minute later, I was out the door and down the street, listening to my iPod through one ear. It wasn’t too cold, despite the wind. The music helped me walk faster, pacing my steps to the rhythm.

   I’ve been trying real hard/To realize/But some things take a long long/Long long time

I hadn’t heard the song in a while. Hearing it again energized me.

   Hold the phone/Hit repeat/Got me foamin’ at the knees/Saw the flame/Tasted sin/You burn me once again

I spotted Makoto with his shaggy, caramel-y hair outside his apartment building. He looked up from his phone and waved at me.

   Cut the cord/She’s a creep

I hastened to meet him.

Aberdeen/Way back/Way back/Way back

 

--

 

“You’re up early for once,” he remarked. “When I text you to come and meet me it usually wakes you up.”

“Yeah. I woke up at like the crack of dawn by accident, so I had some time to kill this morning.” I gave him a light fistbump, a little ritual of ours.

“Do you even set your alarm in the morning? Or do you just rely on me messaging you?”

“....Possibly the latter?”

Makoto laughed. “You’re hopeless.”

 

Makoto and I had been good friends since ever since grade school. We first met in the fifth grade, when my dad and I moved into town shortly after my parents got divorced. I got to know him when we wound up in the same class together at school. He and I clicked almost immediately. Our relationship is pretty much the usual story. It started with just sitting side by side during lessons and hanging out at recess, until eventually we found time to get together outside of school. We liked the same shows and videogames, read the same books, always found things to talk about, heck, we had been walking to school and back together every day for five years and not gotten sick of each other. And in all that time it’s always been nice knowing that there was always someone I could trust and turn to, someone to talk to when I had a problem or needed reassurance, and knowing that they most likely felt the same way. I know this sounds unbelievably corny, especially coming from me, but I can’t really imagine what my life would be like were he absent from it.    

So, in short, I would say he’s my best friend. Which is good, because I had recently confided in him something very personal.

“So, Hajime,” he asked after we had been walking for a while. “How have things been with you and Nanami?”

I cringed at the mention of her name. I cleared my throat. “Um....Nanami, yeah, uh….everything’s going good with Nanami. It’s all p-peaches and gravy in that department.”

Makoto looked at me with a mocking smile. “You know you’re going to have to tell her eventually.”

“I know, I just...it’s hard…”

“It’s true I don’t know what it’s like, but my advice would be to get it over with as soon as possible. And tomorrow’s Saturday, so you won’t really get another chance until next week.”

“There’s just no telling how she’s gonna react.”

He bit his lip in consideration, and relaxed the back of his head on his hands. “Yeah….I guess no matter how laid back they are, I mean, even on Nanami's level, most girls are usually less than pleased once they find out they’ve been dating a homosexual.”

 

I’m getting to it.

 

“But you’re right, I need to do it soon,” I replied, shifting my hands inside my pockets.

We walked in silence for a few moments. I happily took the opportunity to change the subject.

“Has your brother gotten back to you yet?"

"Nope. He's still ignoring me."

 

I’m not going to beat around the bush: Chiaki Nanami was my girlfriend at the time. She had confessed to me over the summer. We had been dating for about two months now, and I had just recently found out that I had hit a….well, a rock in our relationship. A very big one.

Because I had just realized that I was gay.

It was hard to tell if it was just a passing phase at first, and I concluded I just needed to give it some time. But after my….well, “thoughts” didn’t go away after a very long period of time, it became quite obvious that I wasn’t straight. Even in my state of denial. The only one I had told was Makoto, and I would probably end up telling Izuru if the opportunity presented itself. Coming out to my dad anytime soon was completely out of the question. Nanami would be next.

 

Outside the school, it was the usual scene. People were socializing with one another, a small group of skaters performed tricks by the curb, a few couples were walking around with or hanging on each other, and others were glued to their phones, waiting for the bell to ring. Just as Makoto and I were about to join the mass of students, I felt someone grab my waist from behind, making me jump a little. I turned around to see a shorter girl with curly hair in a comfy-looking knit sweater that she wore like a blanket. My heart sank as I prepared to fake enthusiasm.

She beamed at me, eyes closed. “Hi Hinata-kun!”

“Hey Nanami. I thought I told you to stop sneaking up on me like that.” I chuckled.

Nanami gave me a quick squeeze and let go. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m just happy to see you.”

Makoto leaned in slightly and held up his hand. “G’morning, Nanami-san.”

“Good morning, Naegi-kun. How are you?”

My friend ran a hand through his hair. “I’m pretty good. I almost threw out my back when I fell out of bed this morning, but other than that, all good.”

Nanami giggled. “Glad to hear it.”

“Oh, but I finally got to Naoto Shirogane’s Midnight Channel last night in P4G.”

“Really? I love that part!”

“Yeah, but I can’t figure out where the ID card I need to get to the dungeon boss is.”

“Oh, that. You just have to retrace a few floors and fight the mid-boss. It’s on the fourth floor. And get ready, because there’s a crazy plot twist coming up.”

“Ok. Will do. Thanks.”

I smiled. When it came to being a third wheel, Makoto was usually a pretty good sport about it. It helped that he and Nanami got along well. He warily jammed his hands in his pants pockets and stood up straight. “Well, as much as I’d like to stick around, I told Kuwata and Asahina I would meet them behind the gymnasium this morning.”

My brows furrowed. “Kuwata and Asahina? Why?”

“They’re trying to start a prank war with Togami. They’re having a lot of trouble getting him into it, so they asked for my help. I’ve expressed several times that I want no part in it, but they seemed pretty adamant about me being involved.”

“Are we talking about Byakuya Togami or Byakuya Twogami?”

“Twogami’s in your class.”

“I know. Just checking.”

“Anyway, enough said. I’ve gotta split.” He smiled wide. “It was good to see you, Nanami.”

“You too.”

Just as he turned in the direction of the gym, I realized what was happening. Makoto was leaving me alone with Nanami. Sans third wheel. Just me. And my girlfriend. With no excuse not to tell her. Without thinking, I blurted “Makoto, wait---”

He swiveled his head and gave me a sideways glance of a thousand words. It said Sorry man. You’re on your own for this. You’ve gotta tell her. My stomach twisted slightly. My brain screamed No, no no no no don’t you dare leave me here with her. Just as I was seriously considering running away, I felt Nanami hold my hand. I looked down at her. Her beautiful face was smiling sweetly. “C’mon, let’s go. I still need to eat breakfast.”

I nodded, mimicking her cheerfulness. In retrospect, that slick bastard had probably made up the whole thing about Kuwata and Asahina. Dammit, Makoto.  

Nanami and I sat on a bench in the shade of a large tree along the main pathway perpendicular to the school. It was a nice day. The wind had subsided and the sun had emerged from behind the clouds, so it was bright despite the brisk temperature. I told myself to enjoy it while I could, because winter was just around the corner. I watched Nanami eat her breakfast, consisting of a bag of bread and a thermos of hot chocolate she had brought from home. An entire bag of bread. Between her games, her diet, and her sleep schedule, I personally find it a wonder that she’s able to stay so thin.

The tight knot in my stomach refused to come undone. Nanami and I had already been close friends before entering a more intimate relationship, so we would probably be able to stay friends. I mean we had kissed a couple of times, but it wasn't really actual kissing (think awkward adolescent kisses on the cheek). But I was really scared of hurting her feelings. Like, terrified. What if I made her cry? I would feel like a complete heel.

“Hinata-kun.”

I snapped back into reality. “What?”

Nanami looked at me with a concerned expression. “Is everything ok?”

“Uh, yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“I dunno...you just seem kinda spacey today.”

Like you’re one to talk. “Well I...I guess I’m just nervous about midterms.”

She giggled. “Ah, that’s right. I had better start studying too.” She leaned on my shoulder a bit. “Maybe we can study together.”

“Y-yeah, maybe…I already have plans to study with someone, though, but maybe some other time...” I drew in a sharp breath. I had to do it now. If I didn’t, it would bother me all weekend. “Hey, Nanami,” I started. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“What’s up?” Her hand slid onto mine, sending a shiver up my arm. Her gaze was almost piercing. Any form of confidence I had had five seconds ago mysteriously vanished. I tensed up.

“Well I….um...or, uh, what I mean is….” I looked down at her sweet, innocent face, awaiting my answer. Say something, say something!

“I...just wanted to say you look really pretty today, Nanami.”    

 

I am such an idiot.

 

Nanami’s cheeks burned with a slight pink hue. She glanced towards the ground bashfully. “Wow, um...thank you, Hinata-kun. You do too.”

I swallowed. You’re making this way too hard, you little….

 

--

 

I tried. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to her, I just couldn’t. I mean, yes, I fully accept that I will have to tell her at some point, but coming out was hard for me. Even coming out to Makoto. It just was. I’ve never been that good at being able to express my feelings (maybe I get that from my brother) without sort of internally bottling up. And then I feel like I’m ranting to someone instead of confiding in them, and I get the impression I’m annoying them, and I just...it gives me a headache just thinking about it. I feel like I’m the one at fault no matter what the situation. Coming out to Nanami, I would feel in the wrong no matter what I did. And I know that's selfish of me, but I just...I just....oh my god.

Nanami and I walked to class together after she finished her breakfast. We joked, made small talk, and just enjoyed each other’s company for that few short minutes. We were almost to our class when Nanami stopped short right in the middle of the hallway.  

I looked back at her. “What’s wrong?”

“I just remembered I left the final draft of my book report in the photocopy room yesterday.” She let go of my hand and shifted directions with a worried expression. “I’m sorry, I need to go back and make sure it’s still there! You can go to class without me.”

“Hey, I don’t mind waiting--”

“It’s ok! Really! I’ll see you after the bell!” she called to me as she ran back down the hall.

I watched her jog toward the stairs. I sighed. I would get another chance after school. I’d tell her then.

I saw another familiar face notice my presence. Upon which, he waved, then bounded toward me, a grin plastered on his face, partially covered by his soft mop of snowy white hair.

“Hinata-kun!”            

Nagito Komaeda leapt toward and gave me a giant bear hug, which caught me off guard and almost made me fall over. Why is everyone trying to hug me today?

“Wah! K-Komaeda, cut it out!”

He pulled away, still sporting his goofy grin. “Ha ha, sorry, sorry. I know it bugs you.”

“Then why do you keep doing it?”

He laughed. “To bug you! Duh!"

I chuckled. Well, it was good to see that he was in a good mood.

“Where’s Nanami?”

“Oh, she went to the photocopy room to get the final draft of her book report.”

Komaeda clapped his hands together and held them to his mouth. “Ah, that’s right. The book report. How do you think you did?”

“Ok, I think. It was pretty thick, so there was a lot to analyze,” I said. “Teachers eat analyses right up and probably jack off to the good ones, so that works out well. If only the book itself wasn’t so boring.”

“Yes, I agree. It’s true that it had a lot of depth, but those descriptions were the pits.” Ko let out a sigh. “I was tempted to just skip to the end like I usually do…”

“You know, I’m curious. What was the last book you read properly that wasn’t for school?”

He gave a nervous, lopsided smile. “Dororo?”

I rolled my eyes. “Comics don’t count. Even if it’s Tezuka.”

“That reminds me, are we still on for studying during our free period?”

“Yeah, of course,” I replied. “I’m gonna need all the help I can get for midterms.”

 

And we walked to class together.

I think now would be a good time to rewind about….let’s say about seven or so years.

 

Komaeda and I had been childhood friends. When I saw him again in my freshman year of high school, I barely had any recollection of us being acquainted, but these days I recall things about our childhood all the time. If we hadn’t met again, I’m sure time would have taken it’s toll on me and swept away any trace of his existence from my memory. Thinking about it now, with all that’s happened, it kind of scares me. From what I gather, we had been very close.

Fast forward about a week into the school year, about a month and a half ago still while I was dating Nanami and hadn’t realized my sexuality. You know how it is moving onto the next school in the pyramid of educational hierarchy: some faces are familiar, some not. In my class, I already knew a lot of the people, including Nanami and Tsumiki and my friend Kuzuryuu, and many I was on good terms with. Some were foreign to me, like Ibuki Mioda and Teruteru Hanamura (the latter of whom I have made a point to avoid ever since school started after he asked me if I was predisposed to boy’s love, whatever the hell that means).

It started with an empty desk right in the center of the classroom, that had been empty ever since the first day of school. By that time, we had become quite accustomed to it’s existence. It was simply there. All of us probably questioned as to why it was empty at some point or another, but these thoughts lasted no more than a couple of days tops when still not a single person filled the seat. We just assumed it would be empty, always, maybe an extra seat for a student that transferred out last minute. Except that day someone would fill the seat and make it an alien object once again.

He had come in about five minutes after the late bell rang, and our homeroom teacher had begun going over our itinerary for the day at the lectern up front.

“Alright then,” she said in her sharp, straight-to-the-point voice. “If everyone’s here, open your books to page--”

Mid-sentence, she was interrupted by the classroom door sliding open. Our attention was redirected automatically.  

A tall, white-haired boy took a half step in, then faltered, lingering awkwardly in the doorframe. He was clinging to a large cream colored messenger bag and a small slip of paper. He looked like he had ran the whole way to school, for his face was slightly flushed and his breathing was a little ragged. Every eye was fixed on him, and he must have noticed. Including our teacher’s.

She eyed him suspiciously. “Do you need something?”

“Um…” He said shyly. “Is...is this class 1-B?”

“If that’s what it says above the door.” Quiet laughter rippled through the room. “Can I help you?”

“I-I was just told I was supposed to come here. But maybe they made a mistake.”

I could tell he was trying his best to be friendly, but I could also tell he was pretty nervous. I felt kinda bad for him.  

Our teacher grabbed her attendance clipboard from it's usual spot above the class schedule. “Just a moment.” She flipped through a couple of pages and stopped at the third. She made a thoughtful humming noise before addressing the boy again. “I see,” she said. “You’re the late student. Would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Oh, no, that’s ok--”

“Let me rephrase that. Go ahead and introduce yourself, and we can get on with our lesson.”

“....Ok….”

He stepped toward the front of the lectern apprehensively. He did his best to look cheerful. “Hi, um...my name’s Nagito Komaeda.” He played with the strap on his bookbag as he spoke. “I had to transfer out, but I had to transfer back in last minute, so I wasn’t able to be here....but I hope I can get to know all of you before the year is over!”

And with that, he quickly took his seat. I couldn’t help but stare at him, since he was a bit odd looking. One could tell from a glance that he was super skinny, even though his huge green coat attempted to conceal it. I remember thinking his skin was so pale that one could mistake him for a cadaver if he were asleep. And the funny thing was that at the time he didn’t seem the least bit familiar. I know in these kinds of stories we’re all used to hearing the and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I had seen him somewhere before deja vu shpiel at this point, but I’m telling the truth. I felt no connection to him whatsoever. When I realized I was staring, I consciously directed my gaze back to my textbook. After a while, however, I saw him look at me. Upon us making eye contact, he flicked his head in the opposite direction warily.

Was he staring at me too?

It happened a couple more times during the lesson. Every once in awhile I felt his eyes rest on me. And to be honest, it weirded me out. Was there a reason he kept staring at me? Why me of all the people in class? I sure didn’t see him staring at anyone else. I tried to ignore it, but that feeling of someone staring at you just nagged me.

At one point it got pretty annoying. Like, almost to the point where I couldn’t focus at all.

This kept going until third period. By then I was quite happy to be liberated from the odd cycle of staring. Aside from that, I didn’t notice him talk to anyone or try to socialize in any way. He had a pretty lonely aura.

A couple of days afterward, things got weirder. Oh no. Instead, he made up weird excuses to talk to me. He must have asked me five times where the principal’s office was and how to use the printers. Directions around the school, the class schedule, how long lunch and breaks were, borrowing supplies, to the point that I resolved that I wanted nothing to do with this guy. I knew he was doing this deliberately. I vividly remember thinking Who the Michael J Fuck does this guy think he is? If he doesn't have any friends, I'm starting to understand why!

At the time I just saw it as him finding new ways to pester me, like testing and retesting the boundaries of my patience. And when he wasn’t doing that, yes, he would occasionally still stare at me. But I wasn’t cruel enough to just tell him to bug off, so I just decided to put up with it. But it was pretty. Damn. Annoying. There were days when I was having trouble containing my frustration.

“Hey, can I borrow a ruler? I lost mi-”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No.”

“Uh, ok….” long pause. “In that case--”

“And no, I do not know when the Student Store is open.”

“....What?”

“Forget it. I’m leaving. Don't follow me.”

Quite honestly, it was hard not to explode. Venting to Kuzuryuu helped in a pinch.   

On about the eighth day of all this, I had gotten out of class and was at a loss as to how to spend my lunch period. Nanami was away hanging out with her friends, and I had eaten early since I had skipped breakfast that day, and I couldn’t find Makoto either. Plus I wanted to enjoy every second I had away from Komaeda. So I decided to pass the free hour somewhere quiet. I eventually decided to go to the school library and pick up my holds. The library was usually empty, save the student rep behind the counter, occasionally Ryoko Otonashi (who read the exact same book every time I saw her for some reason) and Touko Fukawa who spent all of her free time there. I had actually tried talking to her once, but she just squeaked and ran away, and later accused me of insinuating that she was ugly. She was definitely one of the weirder ones, even by the lowest of standards. I had heard some strange rumors too, but I won’t go into those.

Anyway, there were more people than usual in the library that day, and you could even sometimes hear quiet conversations throughout the large room. I went to the holds shelf and found the “H” section. As I sifted through all of the “H” names, I heard a low humming noise. I ignored it at first, but then I heard singing.

“...hmm hmm not/To get too attached to it/The trick/To life is/Not/To get too attached to it”

A boy singing.

“You would kill for answers/But learn to live with/Questions/Who what how why”

I turned to look behind me. There was a boy with a red pair of headphones strapped over his ears, bobbing his head to the music as he looked through the fiction section. It was the new guy….well, not exactly new, more like late, who had been bugging me for the past week. I sighed, realizing my attempt to escape him had failed. I almost didn’t see his headphones concealed by his mess of shaggy hair. He kept singing, and his voice’s soft volume echoed off the shelves. He actually wasn’t a bad singer.

“I’ll sit hmmhmmm detached/Tear out your hair/Oh but on the contrary”

I saw a couple of people look our direction. You know how sometimes when you’re listening to your iPod and you start singing along to the music and you don’t think anyone can hear you since you can’t really hear your own voice? I figured this must have been one of those situations.

“The trick to life is/Not/To get too attached to it/The trick/To life is/Not to get too attached to it”

It was true this guy struck me as pretty strange. In fact, I found him downright irritating. But people were already starting to look his way, so I figured I should do something, despite having no desire to interact with him. I reached over and tapped him on the shoulder. He took off his headphones and turned to face me. Upon seeing it was me, and still recovering from our several awkward encounters earlier in the week, he pulled back a bit and took off his headphones.

“Oh, um…..” he stammered. “....Hi.”

“Hey.” I drew my hand away. I smiled, in an attempt to be friendly. “I just thought I should let you know that just about everyone in this general vicinity can hear you singing.”

“Singing?” His face flushed red with realization. He laughed. “Oh, haha, right, I must have started singing along to my music...I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. I just thought I should let you know. Komaeda, right?”

“Yeah that’s me. If I got called out by the student rep that could have been pretty embarrassing. Thank you.”

“Yeah, I can totally see that happening. No problem.” I went back to searching for my holds. Maybe they weren’t in yet, because I sure as hell couldn’t find them.

“Uh…” from behind me, Komaeda addressed me again. I cursed internally. Please, please, just leave me alone, no, I don’t know when the nurse’s office is open either. “You can tell me if I’m being a little forward, but….is your name Hinata?”

I froze. I turned back around and looked him in the eye. “How do you know my name?”

His face instantly lit up. “Really? No joke? That’s your name?”  

“Yeah, it's Hajime Hinata. But how did you--”

He held a hand to his mouth. “I knew it. I knew it, I thought you looked familiar!”

I cocked my head in confusion. “I’m sorry, have we met before?”

“You...really don’t remember me, huh?”

“No, I don’t.”

“We, ah...we went to elementary school together, and your brother was a couple grades higher,” he said. “And you had to move away at the end of  third grade when your parents split up, if I recall correctly.”

I just about did a double take when he brought up my parents. Wow. Ok.

“Well..." I fidgeted with my fingers. "I can’t really place you. Sorry.”

His expression morphed into a melancholic disappointment. “Oh...I see. It must have just been a mistake. I’m sorry for bothering you.” He gathered up his books and turned to leave. It made me pause for a bit. He knew about my parents. And Izuru. I must have known him at some point. It was true I didn’t get any results when I applied his appearance to any of my grade school memories, but...damn, where's good search engine when you really need it?

“Hang on a sec,” I said to no one in particular, and held a finger to my bottom lip.

If he knew that much about me, we must have at least had some sort of connection. I decided to take his word for it and acknowledge that we had, in fact, been acquainted at some point. I rifled through my memories of third grade. The first ones that came to me included almost failing math and having to come in for tutoring after school, getting tripped by a group of petty bullies and spilling my lunch everywhere, and playing in the park near the school campus (fascinating stuff, I know, I lead a daunting life). I suppose the park would be a good place to start. Let’s see...I remembered always going there after school with Izuru when Mom was late picking us up. Izuru would usually just read a book on the park bench, so I would go off and play on my own. There were a lot of kids there who were “regulars” and also had parents who worked late. I vaguely remembered a girl with black pigtails, a boy who always wore hats and scarves, a different boy who I liked to climb trees with…but his hair had been more of a light red. I only barely remembered his face. I just couldn’t get it to come into focus. Climbing trees….wait, and walking home together sometimes….but what was his name? Wait...wait it was....

 

“Ko-kun.”

 

Komaeda immediately stopped. He turned back around to face me. “Then…”

“Did I call you Ko-kun?”

“Yes! You did!” he said rather excitedly. “We were in different classes, but we played together in the park….I sort of remember climbing lots of trees.”

My eyes widened. The more I looked at Komaeda, the more the face of the boy came back to me. I was sure of it now. I couldn’t believe it. After moving away from that town, I never thought I would see any of my friends ever again, and yet…

“But what are you--”

“SSSSSSSHHHHHH!!!” I looked over to see an upperclassman shushing us. He eyed us both sternly. I guess we were being a little loud.

“...Let’s go talk in the hallway,” I suggested.

“That would probably be best.”

 

So yeah, that’s how we became friends. Again.

 

--

 

“What do you mean you didn’t tell Nanami?!” Makoto yelled louder than I would have liked him to.

“Jesus, can you keep it down please?!” I hastily whispered, wary of people still lingering on campus. “Like, say, before the whole school catches wind of all this?”

Makoto sighed. “Sorry. But why didn’t you tell her? You won’t see her again until monday!”

“I couldn’t find her! She must have been hanging out with Fujisaki or Sonia or something!”

“Wow. That’s not a very good excuse.”

“I-It’s true!”

“Mmhmm. I suppose you could always call her and tell her.”

“Are you actually kidding me. I am not breaking up with her over the fucking phone.”

“Ok, ok. Sheesh.”

We trudged the way home in silence for a bit. It had rained during school, so the sidewalk was dark and damp from the moisture. But it had turned sunny and warm. The weather today had been a whirlwind, no pun  intended. I searched my mind for a conversation topic that didn’t involve Nanami.

“What about you?” I finally said.

He looked at me, confused. “What about me what?”

“You said there was a girl you liked right now. How’s that going?”

Makoto’s posture gave about two inches. “Not great. I don’t think she likes me very much.”

“Ah,” I said. “That sucks. What was her name again?”

“Kirigiri-san. With the purple hair?”

“Right, her. I guess she’s ok. But you're right though, she does strike me as pretty intimidating.”

“I think she’s really pretty, and we’ve talked a few times,” Makoto said distantly. “I just can’t shake the feeling she’s annoyed by me.”

“I was pretty annoyed with Komaeda when we first met,” I offered.

“But you guys have a background. With Kirigiri, I hardly know her and she’s so scary.” He solemnly directed his eyes toward the ground. “Maybe I’m just paranoid.”

“I think you might be.” I nudged him. “You should try talking to her again.”

“I might. She always sits alone at lunch. But I don’t want to seem too...I dunno, forward.”

“Just by eating lunch with her? No accidental touching or anything?”

“Shut up.”

We talked about Kirigiri for a while. Over time the subject changed, and we just chatted and joked like we usually do, which I was thankful for. When we got to his apartment complex, I said goodbye to Makoto and headed onward to my house.

Upon climbing the steps on the walkway, I took out my keys and unlocked the door. Dad never came home the same time that I did. He had an office job, so he usually came home a couple of hours afterward. I entered the house, turned on the living room lights, and opened the curtains, eager to let the light in. I threw my book bag on the couch and made for the kitchen. I always came home from school hungry. I've had a weirdly high metabolism ever since I was a kid. There was a note on the refrigerator waiting for me. In my Dad’s usual sloppy handwriting it read:

 

Working late tonight, Haji!

Anything you can find for dinner

I’ll be home around 11:30-ish

-Dad

p.s. Call your mom

 

I sighed. “Not gonna happen.”

In less than seven minutes, I downed two pieces of toast and half a can of Sprite. I didn’t have much homework to do, so I figured I could afford to put it off until I went to bed. I didn’t really feel like doing much. Then I remembered I had stopped reading Ready Player One last night on a chapter with a cliffhanger ending. I couldn’t really think of anything better to do, so I went to my room, grabbed the book from my desk, and plopped down on my bed.

I was a little more than halfway into the new chapter when I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. I put down my book, pulled my phone out of my back pocket, and checked the caller ID.

 

Calling:

Izuru

 

It was my brother.

 

I was hesitant. No, nervous even. A lot had happened with Izuru lately. And he never called me unless he had a plausible reason. I hadn’t talked to him in a while.

Nevertheless, I answered it.

 

“Hello?” Even though I had caller ID, I really didn't know how else to start things off.

“Hajime.”

“Hey Izuru.”

“It’s been awhile since we talked. How are you faring?”

I rubbed my eyes. “Fine, I guess. What about you?”

“I have been well. No different than when we last spoke.”

Does comparing it to the last time we talked qualify as “well?”

“Why are you calling me?”

“Do I need a reason?”

“Knowing you? Probably.”

“I wanted to talk with you. I don’t need any more of a reason than that.”

“Are you calling me because Mom told you to?”

Long pause on the other end.

“No.”

I knew it.

“Christ, Izuru.”

“Hajime, please don’t hang up.”

“Jeez, I wasn’t going to. If you don’t want to call me, it’s fine not to.”

“I...I do want to talk to you. So much has happened, and I know I’ve made things hard for you.”

That sounded like a rehearsed line if I ever heard one. “So you’re calling me to apologize?”

“No.”

“Good. Because I don’t want you to.”

“I just want to talk. That’s all. Can we not manage a simple conversation without associating everything with what happened?”

I didn’t even say anything. Izuru didn’t wait for me.

“Let’s start over.”

“By all means.”

“How is everything going?”

“It’s going good. I have midterms coming up in a few weeks, and I’m trying to hit the books early.”

“And father?”

“He’s good too. He’s been working a lot lately. He's not home right now. What about mom?”

“Mother is just fine. Although, she has been seeing someone.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m sure it’s just an acquaintance, but I have my suspicions. Apparently he’s a friend from the workplace.”

That sounded pretty fishy to me.

“Do you know his name?”

“I do not.”

“That’s weird. Why would she keep something like that from you?”

“It is strange, but I suppose it’s none of my business. I should respect her privacy.”

“But if it does turn out to be some kind of serious relationship, she’ll tell you, right?”

“I will expect her to. If she does not, it may lead me to question my trust in her.”

God. There were so many things I wanted to ask him. It was hard not to touch that subject. I wanted to know if he was ok. I decided to pry, just a little.

“Have you started school again?”

Another pause.

“No. I’m not allowed to.”

“It kinda sounds like you’re suspended, no matter how you say it.”

“I’m not suspended. As several have phrased it, I am on a ‘leave of convalescence.’”

“...So suspension.”

“Not suspension. It doesn’t go on my record.”

“Fair enough.”

“Was it your therapist’s idea?”

“Mother had plenty of say in the matter as well. I won’t be going back for another month and a half or so. And don’t worry, the school has made a point of giving me plenty to do to keep up with my studies.”

“Now it just sounds like rehab.”

“Well, it’s not.”

I gripped my phone tighter.

“So you’re doing ok.”

A sigh on the other end. “I’ll be alright. I just need some time to sort things out.”

“Good.”

“Um, Hajime…”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for worrying about me.”

I smiled. He was doing better. I could tell. “I’m your brother, dummy.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean you have an obligation towards me.”

“Of course it does. I just don’t choose to ignore it.”

 

“I…”

 

“Yeah?”

“It’s nothing. How are you and that girl doing?”  

“That girl?”

“The one you’re in courtship with. You’re girlfriend.”

A pang of guilt in my stomach. “You mean Nanami?”

“Yes.”

“....Not great.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“I just...things are different now, and I’ve changed a lot. I think we’re just growing apart, and maybe we wouldn't have if we were still friends.”

Right after I finished that sentence, I knew Izuru would be able to tell that I was lying.

“That’s too bad.”

I could hear it in his tone. “Yeah. I need to break up with her soon.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

“Thanks.”

“Hold for a moment.” A static-y shuffling noise ensued. “I called you a bit late. I’m being summoned for dinner.”

“Dinner? But it’s early.”

“We’ve been taking dinner a lot earlier than normal lately. How they think It will assist my current state is beyond me.”

“That’s why?”

“What have they not done with that in mind?”

“....Valid point.”  

“In any case, I need to hang up.”

“Ok. It was good to talk to you. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“.....I am too. And thank you for talking with me. Goodbye, Hajime.”

“Bye.”

I waited until I heard the low beep of the disconnection. I sat up and leaned my head against my bedroom wall. Things were getting better. I was worried from the start of that conversation that we would just start yelling at each other. Well, that’s how most of our phone calls ended anyway, regardless of how well the rest of it went. It always ended with a fight. Maybe the brevity had helped. I was unexpectedly relieved. Happy, even.

 

And no, I am not going to tell you what happened. Why, you ask? It was extremely painful and I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry, I'm sure all of you are at least semi-decent human beings, but I still don't want to tell you, so go fuck yourself.

 

And then I got a text.

 

1 New Message

Nagito Komaeda

 

K: Hinata-kun, you left your jacket on the back of your chair today.

 

I had the mini-heart attack of minor realization. I had not, in fact, come home with my jacket on. It had warmed up after school ended, so I just kind of forgot about it.

 

H: Will you hold onto it for me?

K: Yeah no problem. I took it home with me already.

H: Thanks. Do you want to meet at the same time tomorrow for studying?

K: That would be great!

H: Ok. See you then.

 

I locked the screen and set my phone on my bedside table. I wouldn't have my jacket for the cold walk to school the next day, but at least I would get it back soon. So that's why I had felt I was forgetting something when I left.

Komaeda was turning out to be a good friend. To be perfectly honest, I had been uneasy about rekindling our friendship, but I was glad he had said something. Every day I was finding out more about him. All things considered, I found it a little hard to believe he hadn't had many friends since his dad's job got him transferred here (I've had more than a few stalkers become friendly acquaintances). He was funny, kind, had plenty of charisma, he and Makoto got along well, and I wanted him to meet Kuzuryuu, too...I could feel that we might be able to become close again, despite what the time did to our relationship.

I had a late dinner consisting of microwaved leftovers, did my homework (why does it always take longer than you think it's going to?), finished my section of Ready Player One (in which Wade's house spontaneously combusts), took a shower, and went to bed. It took me a while to fall asleep.

I wasn't exactly looking forward to walking to school in the morning in the cold without my coat.

 

Chapter 2: Flash Drives and Lies

Summary:

It's exam season!

Notes:

Mwahahaha, didn't think I would be updating this, now did you? (I kept telling myself this would be done in a week, but it ended up being more so yeah sorry).

“Ok, so I move the x value in over here, and that cancels that out….”

“Right....”

“And then add it to the other x value...”

“Uh huh…”

“And then divide 32 by 4?”

“Yup.”

“So x equals 8 on both sides.”

My study partner beamed. “I think you’ve got it.”

I balled my hands into fists. “Alright, let’s check it.”

 

(One minute later)

 

“Are you kidding me!?”

“Uuuuh…” Ko scratched his head nervously. “Try checking it again, maybe?”

So I did. I plugged in the 8 on both sides, did the math, same result. 15 on the right, 47 on the left.

“But...but what did I do wrong?” I said louder than I probably should have, since we were in the library.

“I don’t think you did do anything wrong, but--- oh, wait…”

“What?”

“I don’t think you removed the parentheses correctly here.”

I forcefully rested my forehead on the table and let out a deep groan. My reading glasses made a sound as they hit the wood. We had gone over this stupid problem so many times and I was at my breaking point. In my defense, it was pretty complicated, and it was even more frustrating since my mistakes were so trivial. I had had it.

Komaeda rested his palm on my head, probably in an effort to comfort me. “H-hey, midterms are only in a few more days, so we can’t afford to get discouraged now! Let’s go over it again.”

“We’ve gone over this problem 50 times!” I retorted as scarily as I could, considering my face was pressed into the wood grain of the table. “I don’t care anymore. I’m done. I’m dead.”

“Jeez, don’t be like that. If we keep going over it, I’m sure we can get it eventually. C’mon! Have a little hope.”

I reluctantly lifted my head from the table and rubbed my eyes, which were starting to hurt from the strain. “Fine,” I moaned. “Let’s do it again.”

 

Less than one week until midterms. One could just walk into the building and just smell the fear and stress emanating off of everyone. I know I said I would try to hit the books early this year, and I did. For like a day.

So now I feel pretty screwed over, because the only studying I’ve been doing is my free period with Komaeda. I didn’t do any studying at home last week at all, and the lack of repetition wasn’t doing me any favors. I was pretty good in every subject except algebra and global science. Unfortunately, my lack of talent in the field of mathematics didn’t really help.

But on the plus side, my study partner was extremely patient.

 

Komaeda and I had been meeting each other during free periods to study for midterms. With him as a partner, it felt more like tutoring sessions. He always said he wasn’t ready, and that he really wasn’t that good at anything, but there wasn’t a single subject that he didn’t excel at. At least, to me it seemed that way. I couldn’t find anything good to quiz him on that he didn’t already know, he broke things down for me so I could easily understand them….at times like this, I still felt like such a kid compared to him.

He was was even taller than me now. When we were kids, I’m pretty sure he was a good few inches shorter. He was a completely different person than the annoying guy pestering me about a month ago. I’m getting off-topic, sorry.

After a few more attempts, I was able to solve the problem. I heaved an enormous sigh. I had had quite enough of studying. Komaeda could tell, too.

“I think we can be done for now,” he chuckled. “I didn’t think it would take so long for you to figure out those formulas.”

I leaned back in my chair and took off my glasses. “It’s just been awhile. Besides, what I lack in intelligence, I can make up for with good looks.”

Komaeda laughed. “Oh yes, because you’re certainly above average in that field,” he jabbed sarcastically.

“Th-that was meant to be a joke, but you don’t have to put it like that!” I cut in, flustered. He just laughed even harder.

“Don’t worry Hinata-kun, I think you’re very pretty.”

“Stooooop….” My face was aglow with red.

I craned my neck behind me to check the clock. "The lunch bell is gonna ring soon. I should probably start heading to the cafeteria."

"Yeah, I was actually going to ask you about that..."

I cocked my head. "Ask me about what?"

Komaeda played with his fingertips as he talked. "Do you maybe...want to eat lunch together today? I usually eat by myself, so...."

"Sure, that sounds good."

He perked up a bit. "Really?"

"Yeah, why not? I don't have any plans. Is there anywhere you want to go?"

"Well...I brought a lunch from home, so I have to go get it, but....do you want to go to the courtyard?"

"Ok. I'll see you there."

As Komaeda left to go get his things, I suddenly got the feeling I was being watched. I looked over my shoulder warily. Right next to the classic lit section was Fukawa, as usual. She normally had her face buried in a thick, comically Oxford-sized novel, but today was different. Instead, she peered her eyes over the top of her book while they shot daggers at me. If looks could kill, I'm pretty sure I would have burst into flames. She was giving me quite a glare. Or maybe that was just how she normally looked.

It immediately made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I held out my hands at my sides as if to ask What do you want? But she just kind of slowly slid her face back down into her book as her eyes disappeared back into her novel.

Ooook then.   

 

--

 

I headed down to the cafeteria to grab my lunch, then carried the tray out to the courtyard. It was cold and overcast outside. I spotted Komaeda sitting alone with his sack lunch on one of the benches shaded by a large tree. I sat down next to him.

"What took you so long?" He asked.

"Cafeteria's crowded today. More people are wanting to eat inside now that the weather's cooling down."

"The uniform change is coming soon too, I think."

"Ugh, I know. I don't like wearing long sleeves."

"Don't say that. I bet you look good in long sleeves."

"Well, I guess you won't be affected," I remarked. "You always wear long sleeves anyway. How were you able to wear that huge coat of yours in the summer?"

He smiled. "I just like this coat. Besides, I have fair skin, so I burn pretty easily."  

"And apparently you don't get hot."

He laughed. "Yeah, maybe that too."

We talked for awhile as we ate lunch together. We talked about class, midterms, or anything else that came to mind. As strange as he was at first, I had a good time talking to him, all the time.

"Hey Hinata-kun. What grade did you end up getting on that report?"

"You mean our book report?"

"Yeah. You did get yours back today, right?"

"I got a B+, so not bad," I shrugged as I took a bite of meatloaf. "What did you get?"

"I got a C," he said casting his eyes down slightly.

I could tell he wasn't telling the truth. I nudged him with the back of my hand. "That's bull. Tell me what you really got."

"But it's the truth."

"No it's not. I know you're a good writer. Besides, I saw you smile when we got them back today."

"Fine," he sighed. "I got an A+."

"Seriously!? 100%?"

"Y-yeah, I...was pretty happy about it." He awkwardly averted his eyes from me.

"Hey," I said, trying to signal him to look back at me. "Why do you lie about that stuff? There's nothing wrong with getting good grades."

"I know that. It's just that I don't want to look like I'm bragging," he said, seeming a little embarrassed. "To be honest, the report was really easy for me, so I don't want the people who worked harder than I did but got a lower grade to feel bad."

I shook my head a little. "That's why you're embarrassed about it? Komaeda, having talent is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know it's not. I just feel like...I don't know. It's difficult to describe. And besides, there’s a difference between having talent and just getting good grades. "

I tilted my head up towards the sky. "I guess I just don’t really get what you’re saying at all. I wish I had a talent to be proud of and brag about. I'm so used to just being normal now. Izuru was always the talented one, even growing up. Do you remember how much of a know-it-all he used to be?"

"Vaguely..."

"Well, not much has changed, really," I said dismissively. "He’s still got the best grades, is good at everything, and he’s still the favourite of all the aunties and uncles. I guess there's always one 'smart one' in every family."

"But you've got the looks," Komaeda mocked. "You even said so yourself."

"Ok, one, will you shut up about that please, and two, have you seen how Izuru looks now? He got really good looking since elementary school. You would not believe how nice puberty was to him."

He chuckled in response. "All I got out of that statement was 'Hinata-kun has a brother's complex.'"

"Wha---I do not have a brother's complex!!!" I yelled. Komaeda started laughing really hard. For a while.

"But yeah, I turned out to be the normal one," I said after Ko's laughter had subsided. "And while I'm not exactly that stoked about it, I think my parents are happy that they ended up with at least one normal kid."

Well, in all areas but one, at least….

“Yeah...I guess he’s not exactly the dictionary definition of ‘normal.’ Have you talked to him at all this week?”

“Yup. I got to talk to him twice this week.”

“How is he? Is he in the middle of midterms too?”

I clenched my fists at my sides. “Uh huh. His school’s midterms are tomorrow. He’ll probably ace them like he always does.”

This was a lie, of course. Izuru hadn’t been to school in months, so he wouldn’t be taking any midterms anytime soon. At least, that’s what I wished I could say. I always felt pretty uncomfortable lying to people. Especially my friends. But when it came to my brother, I felt like I had to lie. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened. It wouldn’t be fair to Izuru if I just told people without his consent, and I certainly didn’t want either of us to feel anyone’s pity. So from the start, I had been lying about it. Nanami, Kuzuryuu, and Makoto I could talk about it with, but I just couldn’t tell Komaeda. We had just gotten to see each other again, and I just didn’t want to tell him.

Maybe I would never tell him.

So I just lied until I could feel my tongue turning black.

“I’m glad he’s doing well,” said Komaeda. “He always struck me as kind of lonely.”

“Really? Haha…” I am awful. “Hey, Komaeda.”

“Hm?”

“You never had any siblings, right?”

“That’s right.”

“What’s that like? Being an only child.”

He rested his chin on the palm of his hand. “I dunno. For me it’s how it’s always been, just me and my parents. So it’s just ordinary.”

“Do you ever get lonely?”

He smiled softly. “I used to. I remember watching classmates with siblings a while back and feeling a bit like something was missing from my life. They always had someone to talk to. You’re lucky, Hinata-kun. You’ve got a brother and a really nice girlfriend. But I digress, I guess I just got so used to it that I didn’t give it any thought. Maybe I just wanted someone who might listen to what I had to say.” He looked back at me. “Sorry, am I going too deep?”

“No, uh, it’s fine.”

He grinned at me. “My parents aren’t really that good of listeners. And when we moved here, I wasn’t able to really be friends with anyone. I was always moving in and out of different schools a lot. Too soon to get to know anyone. I was alone most of the time.” He sighed. “They made the decision to move without my opinion. I hadn’t wanted to move away at all.”

“Wasn’t it because of your dad’s job?” I asked.

“Yes. He was laid off back home, so he got another job here.”

“I thought you said he was transferred.”

“Did I?” he murmured. “Well, I guess that’s what I meant.”

“Mmm….”

“Well…” he drew in a breath. “That was a long time ago. But I’m not sad that we moved anymore. I got to see you again.”

We ate quietly for a bit. Then I heard a voice behind me.

“Hey, Hinata!”

Hearing her voice made me jump a little. Komaeda looked behind him and waved. “Ah, Nanami-san! I didn’t see you there.”

She stopped short a little bit at seeing Komaeda. “Oh, um, hi Komaeda-kun. What are you doing here?”

“Eating my lunch?”

She glanced at me. “I uh...I didn’t know you two were friends.”

I sneered a bit. “It’s kind of a long story.”

“Really?” said Komaeda. “I think I can explain it pretty quick.”

“Well...can I eat lunch with you guys? Sonia and Chihiro are both absent today.”

 

To answer your question, no, I still had not broken up with Nanami.

I know, I know, stop yelling at me!

Makoto was getting on my case about it more lately, too. I had considered telling him that I would break it off with Nanami once he asked out Kirigiri, but realized that would be an extremely dick thing to say. I had way more of an obligation than he did. I had decided that Nanami had enough to worry about what with midterms coming up, so me dumping her in the midst of the pre-exam stress wouldn’t do her or me any favors. So I had resolved that the second midterms were over, the very second I got a moment alone with her, I would tell her.

So she wasn’t stressed out. But me, on the other hand, not so much.

My mind wandered sometimes about what would happen to me after I did tell her what I was really like. I wouldn’t mind being friends with her again. Going over to her house and playing games like we always do. Knowing Nanami, things wouldn’t stay awkward for long. But beyond that even. I wondered if there was anybody else who liked me. I did think about how nice it would be all the time. When I finally got all my feelings out in the open to everyone, nobody judging me for it and….even finding a boy who loved me. That would feel so good.

It was purely wishful thinking, I know. Even during Junior High when people’s stupid freshly-teen hormones go into full dork mode (think 13 year olds whining about heartbreak on internet forums to anyone who will listen), I was overlooked even by girls. Which was why I was ecstatic at first when Nanami first asked me out. I had found someone amazing who loved me, just me, for me. And at the time, I loved her back. But now it just makes me feel sad, knowing I can no longer return that love. They say that you don’t have to be alone to feel alone, and I would know. I felt lonely a lot then, thinking about finding the boy that I probably would never have while feeling like a complete jerk. Someone I could hold on to in earnest, without having to lie through my teeth every waking moment. It was hard for me to accept that I had gotten good at lying. At least I had plenty of time.

Or that’s what I kept telling myself.

 

(After lunch, 4th period language arts)

 

“Here you are Koizumi, good work. Tanaka, here’s yours. Hinata, here you go…”

I eagerly grabbed the paper being handed to me.

Every week for language arts, we have a weekly writing assignment. We’re given a writing prompt, we type up at least two pages, it’s as simple as that. The assignments are pretty easy, so I can usually get them done the night that they’re assigned, two nights at the most. Of course, since they’re easy to get done, our language arts teacher sets pretty high standards for us. I’ve never been able to get higher than an 8 out of 10. But every single week, (and this bugs me a lot) our teacher walks up to Komaeda first, hands him his work, and says he did an “exceptional job,” and I don’t see a single red mark on his paper.

Here’s what gets to me the most about it: everyone tells me Komaeda is an amazing writer. I would believe it, too. He has a good vocabulary, a way with words, and a lot of voice. The only thing is, he never lets me read his writing. I have never once read anything that he’s written. It shouldn’t bother me, but it does.

When he seemed engrossed enough reading the comments written below, I snuck up behind him, discreetly leaned over his shoulder, hoping to catch at least two sentences of his opening hook. That was when he swiveled his head around to look at me and pulled the paper out of my line of vision.

“Ah-ah-ah!”

“Come on! Just let me read the first paragraph.”

He smirked, stuffing the paper into his binder. “In your dreams.”

I knelt down and put my chin on his desk. “Pleeeeaaaase? I’ve let you read my stuff.”

“That was for peer editing. And besides, I don’t like sharing my writing.”

“I won’t say anything! Just let me read a little bit! I’ll let you read mine! It’s awful! It’s the worst thing you’ll ever read!”

He crossed his arms and looked down on me with a smug face. “Hinata-kun, this is getting a little pathetic,” he scoffed.

“I just want to read something you wrote,” I whined. “Everyone tells me you’re a good writer. Why don’t you ever let me read your writing?”

“Maybe I will one day. But not today.”

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you can stop groveling at the base of my desk,” he said sarcastically, “and be patient.”

That’s what he told me every time I asked to read his writing. Be patient? For how long? Whenever it happened before, I just told myself it was a trivial matter, and he shouldn’t feel pushed to share something with me if he didn’t want to. We were friends, but I guess there was still a gap that needed to be closed.

I sighed. “Whatever.”

Komaeda giggled. “Glad to see you cooperating.”

I had gotten a B on the assignment, as per usual. An average grade, an average job, nothing to write home about. Nothing but the normal circumstance. The rest of the day passed without much trouble.

When school finally ended, I decided to go to the computer lab to pick up some study resources. I texted Makoto and told him to wait for me, and said goodbye to Komaeda who had to catch the train to get home.

I climbed the stairs up to the third floor. I was surprised to see who was waiting for me. A boy with pink hair, slightly shorter than me, wearing a loose, bright yellow jumpsuit was leaning up against the wall next to the door to the computer lab. His eyes twitched slightly in my direction, and we made eye contact. He gave his usual evil-looking, sharp toothed grin. “‘Sup, Hinata!”

“Oh, hey Souda. How’s it going?”

Kazuichi Souda was a weird guy. That’s really the only way I can describe him. I briefly mentioned that I’ve made friends out of stalkers before, and this guy was one of them. I had met him through Kuzuryuu, and he kept talking to me, and I guess we became somewhat acquainted. I had always found him pretty strange. He sharpened his teeth into points, which was a trend that I didn’t get at all. He dyed his hair pink, which I actually sort of respected since it was such a bold move, and his hobby was basically playing around with machines. This guy probably got hard just flipping through car catalogues. The only thing remotely ordinary about this guy was that he was head over heels for one of the most popular girls in our grade.     

What he and I had was pretty much a one-sided bromance. Which is ironic, considering I’m the one who would be the most suited for it. But I liked Souda, all things considered.

“Dude, I need to talk to you,” he ushered. “Like, right now. Can you talk? Right now?”

“...I guess so.”

“Great!” He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to the side enthusiastically. “Ok, you’re not gonna believe this.”

“Souda, what are you….?” He seemed really really happy. It was a little freaky. Did something good happen to him?

“Just hear me out.” He stood up straight, regaining his composure. “Ok. Sonia-san’s parents are going out of town next weekend.”

“And?”

“Aaaaaaand you know what that means!”

“....You’re going to be throwing pebbles at her bedroom window until her parents get back?”

“No, dumbass! Even better!” He leaned in slightly. “She’s throwing a party this weekend at her estate!”

“Oh. Really?”

“I know! She invited everyone from class!” His face lit up a little. “So she invited me o-over to her house, even though it was pretty indirect, but still…..”

“She invited everyone?”

“Yeah! So are you going?”

Huh boy.

“I...I don’t know....is it really a good idea to be throwing a party the weekend before exams?” I questioned nervously.

Souda laughed. He rested his hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be fine. Exams aren’t until next wednesday. You should think of this as a way to loosen up a bit before the test.”

“But I’m not much of a party person.” It was true. I would much rather stay at home and play video games or read on a saturday night rather than be at a social event any day. Besides, now that I was in high school, I didn’t know what to expect from parties. I had seen way too many movies and read way too many books about secret high school house parties gone horribly wrong. Sometimes in really unappetizing ways. “I don’t think I would do well in that kind of environment.”

“It’ll be fine. You can bring Nanami, everyone’ll be there, it’ll be fun. Knowing Sonia-san, it’ll be pretty eventful.”

“But--”

Souda’s face suddenly turned deadly serious. He had both hands on my shoulders. “Ok. Let me put it this way. I need you there.”

“Excuse me?”

He brought his voice down. “That party is a golden opportunity for me. It’s the perfect chance for me to make a move on Sonia-san! I’m gonna need a plan and an accomplice to pull this off.”

“Uh….”

“I can’t do it alone. I’m gonna need support both emotionally and physically.”

“UUH….”

“Hinata, I just need you to help out. You don’t even really have to do much. But if I need you for anything…”

“....Souda?”

“...you’re gonna help me get Sonia-san. You’re going to do exactly what I tell you to do. You’re going to assist me in any way I need you to. I’m counting on you.” His face instantly morphed back into it’s usual cheerfulness. “So, are you going?”

I stood there, dumbfounded. “.......Maybe?”

He gave me a pat on the chest. “Great! I’ll see you then!”

“Wait, uh…”

Before I could say anything, Souda was already sauntering down the hallway, a pleased expression on his face.

Yeah, ok, there is no way that I was going.  

 

Now to do what I came here to do.

 

The computer lab was completely empty, which I was thankful for. I really wasn’t in the mood for dealing with anyone. I went over to the resource section to find some textbooks and began rifling through it’s contents. Definitely a couple of math books, maybe one for science...oh, and definitely one for social studies. I would have to stop there. Anything more to carry and I wouldn’t be able to lift my backpack.

Alright, now I can go ho--

There was something sticking out of one of the computers.

Any other day, I probably would have ignored it. But that day there was just enough curiosity left in me that I would be able to take an interest. I wasn’t aware just how far that curiosity would take me.

I went up to the computer and unplugged a small flash drive from the usb port. Somebody must have been working on a paper and saved it to the drive only to leave it behind. Unlucky bastard. I was just about to take initiative and head to the office with it until I noticed a small label written on the narrow side of the flash drive. It was somebody’s initials.

N.K.

I was a little surprised. Was...was this Komaeda’s? Those were his initials. And it was true our class had been working in the computer lab today to catch up on homework so we would have more time to study at home. And I did seem to remember Komaeda working at that particular computer. Though it seemed unlike him to be so careless, it must have been his.

And then I realized something.

If this is Komaeda’s flash drive, then does he have all his schoolwork on here?

 

If I take this home with me, I might get to read his writing.

 

My heart rate quickened a little at the thought. There was no way I could do that! It would be a huge invasion of privacy. He had already expressed several times that he doesn’t want me reading his writing. But….I just didn’t have to tell him, right?

I shook my head as if to make the thought disappear. What the hell was I thinking, just going through someone’s stuff without their ok? I might as well be rooting through the drawers in his house if I did that. I jammed the flash drive in my pocket. Tomorrow I would return the flash drive, I wouldn’t snoop around, and then forget about it the next day.

 

--

 

I got a text from Kuzuryuu the second I walked in the door of my house.

 

K: Are you going to Sonia’s party on saturday?

H: Idk. I don’t think so.

K: Yeah I don’t really want to go either. But Peko really wants to go, and Souda said something about me being involved in some weird plan of his.

H: You too?

K: What do you mean?

H: Souda asked me too, he was really intense about it.

K: Ugh that lovesick schmuck.

H: I know. He’s kinda one of the reasons I don’t wanna go tbh.

K: You’re not really the party type, are you?

H: I’m really not.

K: Fair enough. They’re not really my scene either.

H: I might go. I’m still not sure.

K: Well, you’ve got until saturday to decide.

 

I didn’t reply. That was a good text to end on.

I would worry about the party later. I had studying to do.

 

--

 

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t focus on studying.

I had set Komaeda’s flash drive on my desk so I wouldn’t forget it in the morning. And now it was just staring at me. Metaphorically, of course. At this point I was just staring at my computer screen thinking about it.

I wanted to read what was on their so bad. I mean, Komaeda had even said that he would let me read his writing eventually, but was he even telling the truth? Was he just lying to get me to shut up and leave him alone? If that was true, then I would never get to see it. If he was such a good writer, why didn’t he brag about it, dammit? Aaaarrrggghhh. It’s his fault for being so fucking modest.

I had tried to get some actual studying done for a half an hour, and these thoughts had been pestering me the whole time. That’s right, I just needed to read it. Then would I be able to focus? No, I am not going to! He said he doesn’t want me reading his writing, so I should respect his wishes! You already have a girlfriend while knowing that you’re gay, so do you really need yet another bullet point on the List of Reasons Why Hajime Hinata is an Awful Human Being?

Wait a second. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? I don’t have to tell him anything.  

I apprehensively made my way over to my desk, picked up the flash drive, and plugged it into the port on the side. My heart was beating quite rapidly. Just one thing. Just one short writing piece, and then I won’t read anymore. One paper, that’s it.

I waited for the drive to download. That might have been the longest six seconds of my life. Finally, an attachment popped up in the corner of of my desktop, aptly labeled Nagito’s Schoolwork. So it was his after all. I opened the file, and several documents came up. Some looked to be only a few short paragraphs. Others were pages long. Those were the most tempting. No, no, I said I was just going to read a short one. That’s it. After scrolling through my options for a bit, I decided on a weekly prompt we had done a few weeks ago. The assignment was to write about your morning routine with two catches: one, you had to write it from a point of view besides first person, and two, it had to be at least a page long. It was a difficult prompt. The idea was for us to play around with descriptions and setting details. I wasn’t able to make it more than two thirds of the way, so I didn’t get a very good grade.

My curiosity was killing me. So I opened the document.             

You wake up to the sound of nothing. Not even white noise, just nothing.

Second person. Nice.

After you are awake enough to sit up in bed and collect your thoughts, you wonder why you even bother setting your alarm every morning if your internal clock beats you to it. Knowing you probably won’t be able to fall back asleep, you lie back down and wrap yourself further into your blankets, not wanting to let go of the warmth. The sheets are soft and smell like detergent. You just washed them yesterday. You lie like this for several minutes, letting your eyes grow accustomed to the darkness, until you can navigate the unfriendly void at will.

Dear lord, he was good. Mine didn’t even compare to this.

Sometimes, when you wake up, you feel at home again. But it doesn’t take you long to realize you’re not.  

Finally, your alarm goes off, signaling you to start moving. You hate the high pitched beeping noise of the clock, but since it doesn’t have a radio, you have to put up with it. Best to shut it off the moment you hear it. You put your feet out of bed first, feeling the rough texture of the carpet as you walk over to turn on the light. The sudden brightness blinds you for a bit, and you squint to adjust your vision.

You exit the temporary safety of your room, knowing that staying there will not offer you enjoyment nor progress. You’re still wearing what you slept in, the loose fabric clinging to you. She isn’t up yet, so the house is still dim. She’s never awake when you are in  the morning. Or sometimes she’s not even home yet.

I squinted a bit. By “she” did he mean his mom…?

You don’t really feel like putting much effort into breakfast today. You figure a toaster waffle and some jam should be enough to get you through to lunch. As you wait for it to pop out, you listen to the rain hitting the roof. You’ve always liked rainy season. The dull noise is lulling, and you love how clean and quiet the world feels afterward. The smell of rain has always been appealing to you as well. It reminds you that you need to take a shower soon.

You always seem to forget how good it feels to have the hot water come into contact with your skin, reviving your senses somewhat. You close your eyes and let the water run over your face. You can’t see anything, yet there is constant motion all around you, and you can feel it. You love this feeling.

After you’ve dried off, it doesn’t take long for you to get dressed. You had already laid out everything the night before. Dress pants, a tee shirt, your favorite coat. You have to wear your coat. Though it would probably be a good idea to wash it soon. You grab your backpack and head back downstairs. You don’t want to miss your train.

You briefly stop back into the bathroom to brush your teeth and touch up your appearance for the day. You pause for a bit to look at your reflection in the slightly spit stained mirror. As your gaze locks with the mirrored double, you wonder if everyone has grown tired of the same, unchanging face that has stared back at them since the day they were born like you have. You think  about how some people act on that notion, and change themselves completely. They tend to get tired of new faces more quickly. While there are so many things you would change about yourself, you wouldn’t go as far as to force it. Accepting what you must is the only way to survive this life of yours.

You finally see her, dressed in a bathrobe with tired eyes. You tell your aunt good morning, and she gives a listless grunt in reply. That is all you can hope to get out of her in the morning.

Wait a second.

His aunt?

She always looks the other way when she sees you. You don’t blame her for it.

You have ten minutes to get to the station and board your train. It’s a fifteen minute ride to school. You can make it if you walk briskly.

You step out the door, welcoming the sun onto your face. 

--

 

I closed the document and let out a breath. He was as good as they say. His writing style was beautiful. From the second I started reading his writing I wanted more of it. But at that very moment, I also felt a very heavy sense of uneasiness.

He mentioned something about his aunt.

He had never once said anything about other family members when he talked about his home life. From what I got out of it, it was just him and his parents. He had never mentioned an aunt or anything like that. On top of that, he didn’t mention his parents in his writing at all. Not even once.

 

I might have just read something that I shouldn’t have.

 

I ripped the flash drive out of my computer, slammed it shut, and threw the flash drive back in my backpack, zipping it into the front pouch. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m such a selfish idiot. Why did I think for a second that going through his things and reading what he had expressed several times that he didn’t want me to read?! I sat on my bed with my knees tucked in and hands over my head, screaming at myself internally. I felt so bad. The regret I felt in that moment was so intense. 

Despite feeling like the biggest piece of scum in human existence and barely resisting the urge to repeatedly slam my head against the wall, I had so many questions. Who was the aunt he had mentioned? Why hadn’t Komaeda mentioned that he lived with another relative besides his parents? Why hadn’t he mentioned his parents at all? Of course, I couldn’t ask him any of these things without telling him that I had gone through his stuff. I had majorly screwed up this time. By satisfying my curiosity, I may or may not have accidentally read something personal.

God fucking dammit.

Right then, I heard my phone ring. It was sitting next to me on my bed. I didn’t recognize the number, and there was no caller ID. Eager for any kind of distraction, I answered it regardless.

“Hello?”

“Salutations! Is this Hinata-san answering?”

“....Sonia?”

“Yes, this is Sonia! Is this Hajime Hinata speaking?”

“Yeah, it’s me. H-how did you get my number?”

“Souda-san gave it to me. I’m glad I was able to get ahold of you!”

Souda. Sonia was able to get anything out of him.

“So...um...I don’t really want to put it like this, but why are you calling me?”

“Ah! Yes! I’m calling you to inform you that I’m throwing a party this weekend since my parents are away on holiday. You know, as a way to unwind a bit before midterms!”

I still didn’t really want to go. It sounded fun, but I just wasn’t cut out for parties. But it was hard to turn down anything from Sonia. She was so nice, plus she was debatably the prettiest girl in our grade.

“Well...It’s really nice of you to invite me, but I don’t think I can make it.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“Well...I still have a lot of studying to do, and--”

Sonia cut me off. She wouldn’t have it.     

“Hinata-san! What did I just tell you? Studying every hour before a test is not healthy. Do you not think we could all benefit from a short break?”

“No, I mean--”

“It won’t be that big, I promise. I’m mostly only inviting people from our class. Nanami-san will be there, and I’m sure she would love your company!”

Ohohoh, if only she knew that had sucked the wind out of my enthusiasm tenfold.

“Well….” I managed. “I guess if it’s just people from our class, it’s ok. I do need a breather from studying.”

“Excellent! I am glad you said yes, because I already put your name on the guest list! Everybody is expecting you to be there, anyway!”

“Wait, what?”

“You’re coming.”

And with that, she promptly hung up.

 

So. I was going to a party on saturday, based on what everyone was telling me. I had decided on nothing, but it looked like everyone had already decided for me. Hanging up the phone, I reluctantly returned to the problem at hand.

I went over to my backpack and fished the flash drive back out. It sat in my palm for several moments as I contemplated what to do. It had become quite obvious that I had made a very careless and selfish mistake. I was definitely not plugging it back into my computer so I could at least say that I had learned from my wrongdoings. That and I didn’t want to accidentally stumble onto anything related to his home life (AAAAAAAAA JUST KILL ME), thereby running the risk of reading something I should keep my nose out of. But I had to be done feeling bad for a moment to decide how to return it, because if I didn’t I would only feel worse. I would have to give it back to Komaeda eventually. After mulling it over for a bit, here were my choices:

 

Option 1: Return the flash drive to him and tell him that you found it unattended in the computer lab, no questions asked. Pro: I would be getting it back to him as soon as possible. Con: He might suspect that I read what was on it. That would be bad.

Option 2: Don’t say anything and just wait until he says something. Pro: I can pretend that I didn’t take it home and just found it and returned it to him. Con: He may never bring it up and he may never get it back and I will feel like a complete ass.

Option 3: Turn it into the lost and found in the office. Pro: He may never know that I had it. Con: He may not think to look there and the lost and found gets emptied at the end of every month, which is coming soon.

After thinking it over, I decided to return it to him after school and just tell him I had found it in the lost and found during lunch while I was looking for my school planner that I had misplaced a few days ago. I would have to lie to him again.

I found this realization a little disturbing.

Had I been lying to him the entire time I had become acquainted with him?

I didn’t want to lie to him. But at the same time, I wanted to keep being friends with him. It was too early in the game to ruin everything. It would be fine. If I was the only one who felt horrible, it would be fine. I was the one who did something wrong, after all.

I didn’t get any studying done last night. My dad came in and quizzed me on a few things, but it didn’t help. I kept thinking about the aunt that Komaeda had mentioned in his writing piece. Maybe she was just a relative that lived with him and his parents. If so, why hadn’t he told me about it before now?

What bothered me even more was the fact that I couldn’t ask him. Doing so would only put up another wall.

 

         

 

Chapter 3: Party at Sonia's

Summary:

Sonia has a party and...well, stuff happens.

Notes:

Happy October, everybody! I hope it rains this week.
Longer chapter today. The song featured in this chapter is "Dollhouse" by Melanie Martinez.
Enjoy!

“You are to be home by 11:30.”

“11:30. Got it.”

“If you see any drugs or alcohol, you are to leave immediately.”

“I will leave the party immediately.”

“Keep your phone on.”

“Will do.”

“And be careful on your way home.”

“Ok. I’ll be careful.”

“Or else I’ll drive you to school in my gym clothes for a week.”

“Dad!”

“I’m kidding. But you will be in trouble. Have a good time.”

I don’t blame my dad for being protective. I still wasn’t that sure I even wanted to go, but at this point it was out of my hands. So I would put up with it.

Sonia’s party had started thirty minutes ago. It was almost a quarter after six, and the sun was starting to set. Her house was all the way on the other side of town, so I would have to take the public transport train there from the stop near the school. That’s where I would be meeting Komaeda.

Komaeda was one of the reasons I decided to go. He seemed excited when he told me that Sonia had invited him, especially since he didn’t know many of the people in our class besides me and Nanami, and wasn’t exactly on good terms with any of them. He did say he was a little nervous, though. I was a bit worried about him being there by himself, since he had displayed obvious social anxiety in the past, and didn’t seem like the type to be good with crowds, however small they might be. So I figured I would be a good friend for once and go with him. Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama would probably be there too, so maybe this would actually be fun.

Plus it might provide me with an opportunity to return that flash drive. It was tucked tightly in the front pocket of my jeans. He had been absent the day before, so I couldn’t return it to him. And I couldn’t take the guilt anymore, it was driving me up the wall. I would return it to him at some point tonight, if the chance came about.

I spotted him near the tracks, standing on the precipice of where the loading platform dipped and formed the tracks. He was staring contemplatively at them for some reason. I actually hadn’t seen him without his uniform before. He was wearing a baggy grey knit sweater with black jeans, his usual weird zippered shoes, and a scarf with a dulled red shade. He looked good.

“Komaeda.”

He flinched a little. Apparently I had startled him.

“Ah, Hinata-kun.”

“Hey there space cadet. You look good.”

He smiled, briefly looking down at what he was wearing. “Thanks. You do too. I don’t think I’ve seen you without your uniform until now.”

I actually hadn’t put that much thought into my outfit. I had just thrown on a dark green sweatshirt over a tee shirt and some jeans. I didn’t feel dressed for a party, but the hostess had said it would be casual, so here I was.

“Thanks.” That was really all I could say.

Komaeda directed his gaze back to the train tracks. He still looked lost in thought. Apparently I had interrupted some deep thinking by showing up.

“Hey.” I nudged him a little. “What’s up?”

“Hmm?”

“Whatcha thinking about?”

He glanced to the side. “Nothing really. Just staring into space.”

“...Something bothering you?” I asked.

“No. Not really. I’m just a bit tired.” He paused, then tilted his head towards me. “Hey, Hinata.”

“What?”

“Do you...still want to go to this?”  

I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to that question.

“I-I mean,” he continued, “you even said you didn’t really want to go, and, well…”

I was mostly going for him, but that would sound weird saying it out loud. So I decided to bluff a little.

“Are you nervous?” I asked.       

His fingers anxiously played with the seams on his sleeves. He tried to put on his happiest face. “N-no, I’m just fine! I’ve really been looking forward to this!”

Oh. He actually was nervous.

“You can tell me if you are, you know,” I offered.

He sighed softly, barely audibly. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me. “Nobody in our class has that much patience for me. They’re all annoyed by me, I can just tell. Nevermind-san probably just invited me out of courtesy.” He crossed his arms thoughtfully. “I am….just a little bit on edge, to be honest. I’m just not that good with other people.”

“You’ll be fine. Nanami and I will be there with you.”

“I guess so…”

I glanced behind me. The train was clattering towards us as it’s headlight grew brighter by the second.

“There’s our train. How many stops until we get to Sonia’s?”

“It’s about five stops. She gave me the address,” said Komaeda. “Though Nevermind-san is wealthy, so I doubt her house will be too hard to find.”

We boarded the train and sat down side by side near one of the windows. The sun had gone down behind the town’s horizon line, and twilight had begun to seize the evening hours. It looked especially pretty from our window. The train was fairly empty, considering the monorail services were entering the graveyard shift. I hadn’t been on public transport many times before. Komaeda used it every day and knew his way around, so I could trust him to get us where we needed to be. I actually enjoyed rides on the train. I liked the dull noise of the train running against the tracks with the rhythmic clicks that came in time with it. It made me a little sleepy. I rested my head on my shoulder as I listened to the mechanical chorus beneath my feet.

I felt Komaeda’s hair brush lightly against my face.

When I shifted my eyes to look at him, he was leaning towards me. His head was almost rested against mine. His eyes were half lidded. He stared into space, just like how he had done while we had been waiting at the stop. Although now he looked a bit more peaceful somehow.

He was...really close.

“Komaeda…?”

Realizing what he was doing, he quickly pulled away, flustered. “AH! Uh, I-I’m sorry!”

I snickered a bit. “It’s fine. Man, you really are tired.”

His face was visibly redder, and his hands were planted firmly in his lap. “Yeah. A little.”

“We don’t have to go to this if you’re still nervous.”

It took him a bit, but he gave me his usual aloof smirk, as if he wasn’t concerned in the slightest. “We’re already on the train, genius. Are you suggesting that we just get off at the next stop and wait for an hour only to go back?”

“Good point.”

He smiled bigger, more earnestly. “Besides, I’m not nervous anymore. You’re with me.”

I felt pretty happy, in that moment. Being on the train with him, making small talk. Having someone to talk to on a train makes the ride just that much quicker, and longer too, in a way.

We got off at the fifth stop, still streets away from Sonia’s place. She lived in a pretty affluent end of town, so the neighbourhood was fairly suburban. Komaeda pulled up the address on his phone. I doubted that the only reason Sonia invited him was politeness. Sonia was the type of person who was very social, and had a sort of unspoken goal of becoming close friends with anyone she was even faintly acquainted with. And most of the time it worked. She was really nice to everyone, regardless of her impression of them and vice versa. Plus she was pretty charming to boot, not to mention really attractive. She was always able to see a person’s good points, which I liked.

We had gone a few blocks at a leisurely pace when I spotted Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama on the other side of the street, several strides ahead of us. Pekoyama was wearing a a long black trench coat while Kuzuryuu matched her with a black pea coat. If I ran, I would be able to meet up with them.

“Kuzuryuu!”

He flicked his head in my direction upon hearing his name. He waved. “Ah, Hinata!”

I crossed over to meet them. Komaeda didn’t do very well in catching up with me.

“Well well well, look who decided to come after all.” He sneered.

“Sonia guilt tripped me into coming.”

Pekoyama tilted her head a bit to meet my gaze. “Sonia-san does seem to have a flare for getting people to do what she wants. Good evening, Hinata.”

“Hey Pekoyama. So how’s it going with you guys?”

“It’s going ok. What about you? What made you show up?” asked Kuzuryuu. “You seemed pretty sure you didn’t want to come.”

And my answer came up from behind me barely jogging and breathing heavily.

“H-Hinata-kun!” Komaeda had just caught up with me. He was holding his sides and panting. “You…*huff*...you run too fast…” Was he really that out of shape? “N-next time tell me when we’re...*hah*...when we're going to start running……..”

I put my hand on his shoulder. “Ha, sorry. I guess I should have warned you before I broke into a sprint.” I looked back at Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama. Aaaand they were staring at us. I guess I had to explain that Komaeda and I knew each other. Again.

“Something wrong?” I prompted.

“Oh, no, I just…” Kuzuryuu started. “Are you two here together?”

“Yup. We met up at the train stop near the school.”

Kuzuryuu was quiet for a second. Then he put a hand behind his head. “Huh, I didn’t know you two knew each other that well. You’re...uh…”

“Nagito Komaeda,” he said after he had somewhat caught his breath. “From class.”

“Right, right! Shit, sorry. I’m bad with names.”

Komaeda smiled a bit. “It’s alright. I am too.” He reached out to shake Kuzuryuu’s hand. “It’s not like we talked much. And you’re Pekoyama, right?”

“That is correct.”

“Aha, I got it right! I’m actually not too surprised seeing you two together. I always thought that you would make a nice couple.”

I wished I could rewind that moment and stop him from saying that. Fact of the matter was, Kuzuryuu was pretty self conscious about the fact that everyone thought he and Pekoyama were dating. They were childhood friends like me and Komaeda, but they had been together for most of their lives. They were almost siblings. Maybe even closer than siblings.

Kuzuryuu, red in the face, opened his mouth to say something, but was quickly cut off by Pekoyama, in an attempt to save the moment. “The-that’s very kind of you, but Fuyuhiko and I are not in any kind of courtship.”

“Oh...sorry. My mistake.”

“It is fine.”

Kuzuryuu was doing his best to bite his tongue.

It was a shame, really. I always thought they would make a good couple too.

 

--

 

“So you two knew each other in grade school?”

“Up until third grade. I moved here at the start of fourth grade.”

“My parents and I moved here when I was in seventh grade,” Komaeda chimed in.

“Well ain’t that a coincidence and a half,” Kuzuryuu mused. “How did you two figure it out?”

“Oh, I knew almost right away!” said Komaeda. “Hinata-kun had no idea.”

“So he ended up stalking me, and I eventually made the connection.” I said, a little embarrassed.

“Huh…” said Pekoyama. “I’ve never seen you interact with anyone in our class up to now, Komaeda-san. I apologize for our arrogance.”

“Oh no, it’s alright! We mostly only hang out during free period. I’m sure you have better things to do than monitor my every move. I’m sorry I thought you and Kuzuryuu-kun were a couple, I shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.”

“Oh hey, Hinata,” said Kuzuryuu. “Has Souda told you what this ‘plan’ of his is yet? I haven’t even heard it and I already think it’s pretty fucking stupid.”

I sighed. “No, he still hasn’t told me. I have no idea what to expect. I mean, it’s Souda we’re talking about, so any ‘plan’ he has in mind is probably going to turn out pretty pear-shaped.”

“Souda-kun? What plan?” Komaeda asked.

“Oh yeah, I guess you don’t know. Souda is the one that told me about Sonia’s party, and he says that he has this ‘plan’ to get Sonia, and apparently he needs me and Kuzuryuu.”

“To ‘get’ her…? I don’t...”

“You know, like…” I motioned with my hands, trying to convey that it should be obvious.

Komaeda thought for a moment, and then his face twisted into a mischievous smile. “Ooooooh.”

“Yeahhh….”

He laughed a little. “And he needs you and Kuzuryuu? What kind of a chance does he think he has?”

“I have no idea what goes on in that head of his.” Kuzuryuu said bluntly. “Unfairly good looking, filthy rich, hell, Sonia-san’s way out of his league. She's basically a princess compared to him.”

“I know. I feel kind of bad for him.” I said.

Pekoyama chuckled a bit. “Souda-san always did strike me as a bit simple minded. Although, I do admire his perseverance despite the bleak statistics.”

“Ehn, he just doesn’t know when to give up,” said Kuzuryuu dismissively. “How much further until we get there, anyway? I’m getting a little tired of the soccer mom landscape out here.”

Komaeda checked his phone again. “It should be coming right up, but considering it’s a party we shouldn’t have too much trouble finding it.”

I leaned over to check his screen. “What’s the address?”

“6785.”

I noticed that the houses we were passing began to share similar numbers. “I think we’re almost there, then.”

“Perhaps that is it over there?”

We looked in the direction Pekoyama was pointing. As the the number of houses slowly diminished, there was a black metal barred gate open to an excessively large driveway at the end of the cul de sac. It led up a hill to an extremely large house (it feels a bit weird calling it a mansion, but I guess that’s what it was) painted all white with columns lining the entrance. It was probably bigger than all of our houses combined. The windows were humongous, with light spilling out from all of them. The garden out front was immaculate, with flowers of all colors and species thriving like a miniature jungle. I think what gave it away was the pink streamers and banners that lined the exterior.

Kuzuryuu shrugged. “Looks promising.”

 

--

 

“Jesus christ, did Sonia invite our class or the entire tenth grade?” Kuzuryuu remarked the second we walked in the door.

Sonia’s house was packed. I recognized everyone from school, but I found it hard to believe we had this many people in our class. Sonia must have slightly exaggerated how small the party was going to be.

But I will give her this: Sonia knows how to organize a social event. Everything was happening in the main lobby (I don’t know how else to describe it, it was really more like a ballroom), and the stairs leading to the individual rooms were closed off, so as to keep everyone in one place. There were two tables on either side lined with a variety of snacks and drinks, enough so that it might even qualify as a buffet. I was surprised to see a large tv in one corner of the room with people playing Street Fighter. Princess or not, Sonia had always been a huge sucker for those games. She was pretty good too, and could somewhat hold her own against Nanami. The four of us hung up our coats in the coat closet next to the entrance (which was more like a full blown dressing room than a walk-in closet). Music from Pandora blared from several speakers via Sonia’s computer.

Pictures/Pictures/Smile for your pictures/Pose with your brother won’t you be a good sister/Everyone thinks that we’re perfect/Please don’t let them look through the curtains

D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E/I see things that nobody else sees/D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E/I see things that nobody else sees

I was beginning to feel pretty good about this. Even though it was full of people, kind of loud, and not my scene in any way, I couldn’t really feel that negatively about it. This might end up being fun. Did me thinking that mean being in high school had made me more social?

I saw Sonia from far away wandering between different conversations. I didn’t even know how anybody could know this many people. She was wearing a light green cotton sundress with her hair tied up in a bun with a red ribbon. I waited for us to make eye contact, then waved at her. She broke into a grin and bounded toward us. She ran up to me and gave me a tight hug. Sonia was pretty endearing with everyone she knew.

“Hinata-san! You did come after all! I’m so happy!”

I returned the hug, knowing she was trying to be friendly. “I figured I would take you up on the break from studying.

She pulled away. “You didn’t come with Nanami?”

“No. She told me she was taking the city bus, since she lives closer to here than me. She might already be here.”

Her gaze caught on Komaeda. “Komaeda-san! You came too! I was worried you wouldn’t come because you’re always so quiet.”

Ko laughed nervously. “I’m going to take that as a compliment. I appreciate you inviting me, Nevermind-san.”

“Oh please, I insist you just call me plain old Sonia," she giggled. "I am fully aware of how much of a mouthful my family name is to say."

“....Well, in that case, thank you Sonia-san,” he replied a bit bashfully.

Pekoyama piped up. “Sonia, didn’t you say that you were only inviting people from our class? Your house seems a bit crowded for this to just be our class.”

“Ah, yes, about that…” Sonia bit her lip. “I may have invited a few people from outside of class not thinking much of it, and it is my theory that they told their friends about the gathering, and they took it as an invitation to invite themselves, and well...I suppose one thing led to another.”

Kuzuryuu sighed. “Assholes.”

“W-well, as they say, the more the merrier!” said Sonia. “At least we aren’t limited for space, so it works out nicely.”

It made me a bit uncomfortable knowing that most of the people here weren’t formally invited. Oh well.

“Anyway,” she continued. “I hope you all have a nice time tonight. There’s plenty of food and drink, so do feel free to help yourself!”

“Will do,” said Kuzuryuu. “Thanks Sonia.”

Sonia giggled and twirled away to another side of the room to greet another handful of guests.

Komaeda whistled. “This takes the whole ‘friend of a friend’ thing to an entirely different level.”

Kuzuryuu elbowed me. “Don’t look now, but pink haired mechanic at 3 o'clock. Try not to make eye contact.”

I did a slight sideways glance. Sure enough, Souda was directly to my right holding a plastic red cup and glancing around the crowd as if he were looking for someone. He was wearing a black pair of shredded jeans and a red long sleeved shirt. I tried to look away, but it was too late. He had seen me. Out of my peripheral vision, I could see him making his way over to us.

Shit.

“He-he-hey! Just the two guys I wanted to see!” Souda smiled broadly with his shark-like teeth (how does he get them to do that?) and ruffled Kuzuryuu’s buzz cut. He cringed visibly. “How’s it goin’?”

I was hesitant. “Uh...i-it’s going just fine…” I’m pretty sure Souda was having an intense case of tunnel vision, because he didn’t even acknowledge the presence of Komaeda or Pekoyama. This concerned me.

“Oh, right!” said Souda, as if he were just now remembering why he was talking to us which, trust me, he wasn’t. “I need to talk to you guys. I need your help with something!”

I wonder what it could be.

“A-actually I was going to get something to eat first, I’m pretty hungry--” I tried.   

Souda grabbed us both by the arm. “Food can wait! This is a now or never kinda situation!”

“F-Fuyuhiko,” said Pekoyama, slowly inching away from us. “I think I’m going to go find Koizumi and Saionji. Enjoy your rendezvous.”

“No, Peko, wait---”

I turned back to Komaeda, who was looking at me at a loss as to what to do. “I’m really sorry, Komaeda. I’ll meet up with you after I...do this?”

He gave me a grim looking smile and a thumbs up. “Ok. Yeah. Good luck.”

 

--

 

Souda dragged us all the way outside to the back patio where a small cluster of party-goers were huddled around an inviting looking fire in the yard’s fire pit. Why he chose this spot as a rendezvous point was beyond me, as it was pretty cold and none of us had jackets. I was hoping to get this over with as soon as possible. 

“So,” he began, eyes shining with anticipation. “I assume you two gentlemen know why you’re here."

“For fuck’s sake Souda, get to the goddamn point.” Kuzuryuu yelled.

Souda recoiled a bit, holding up both hands. “Ok! Ok! Jeez, no need to be so mad.”

“Are you still keen on your plan to impress Sonia?” I asked, hoping to speed things up a bit.

Souda clapped his hands together once. “You better believe it. I’ve been working on a romance tactic all day.”

“You just came up with it today?” Kuzuryuu said incredulously.

“I needed your guys’s support in advance! Besides, It takes time to come up with something that won’t easily backfire in a situation like this.”

“Not a lot of things come to mind, yeah.”

“But I feel pretty good about this one.” Souda regained composure. “Ok. So. The plan I have come up with will require the two of you and some good acting skills.”

Kuzuryuu put his hands up and spun around. “That’s it, I’m leaving.”

“Wait, Kuzuryuu, hold on--!”

“Nope. No way. Every time you have tried to impress Sonia, you have horrifically failed, and I have a strong feeling that this attempt isn’t going to be that different from the last ones.”

“No, this one’s going to be different!”

“Souda, what kind of likelihood do you think you have with Sonia? You know what you’ve got? A snowball’s chance in hell is what you’ve got! I am sick and tired of putting up with you and your stupid infatuation! We have been friends for two years and still I have no idea why you just keep trying to impress her when I know you know that it’s never going to work! If you need an actor, fine, but I am not the person to ask!”

I was surprised by Kuzuryuu’s sudden outburst. Though he did give Souda a hard time pretty regularly, he never yelled at him like that. It was true that Kuzuryuu had probably seen a lot more failed attempts at impressing girls than I had, but telling him to just give up?

Souda looked shocked for a second, but then just sort of looked down at the wood patio. He didn’t say anything. Kuzuryuu was starting to look a little guilty, realizing the potential impact of what he had said, but stood his ground nonetheless.

“I…” Souda began. I didn’t know what to say to him. He let out a deep sigh. “I’m not stupid, Kuzuryuu. I know I don’t have much of a chance with Sonia-san, but….I just don’t want to give up. I mean, I think about giving up all the time, but then I look at her and she’s just so pretty. She’s so full of life, she’s funny, and she’s unbelievably nice, even to someone like me. So I understand if you don’t wanna do this, and you don’t have to. But I’m going to keep trying for just a little while longer.”

Kuzuryuu paused for a second, bit his lip, tilted his head at the night sky, and let out a long, irritable inhale. “RrrrrRRRGGHH! Fine, tell me this stupid plan of yours.”

I smiled a bit. Souda and Kuzuryuu were pretty tightly knit after all.

“I’m in too,” I said. “I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to help, but I’ll try.”

Souda beamed. “Thanks guys. Really.”

“Yeah yeah, tell us what we’re gonna be doing already,” said Kuzuryuu.

“Ok.” Souda began again. “So what you’re gonna do is go up to Sonia and try to strike up some kind of conversation. This is where the acting comes in.”

“Uh-huh.” I said, letting him know I was listening.

“And I’m gonna be listening in on the conversation, so keep that in mind.”

“Ok.” I was surprised at how easily I was talked into going along with this.

“So here’s the kicker: about midway into the conversation, you two are going to start being rude. No, it’s gonna start as rude, like subtle insults or something like that, and then you guys are gonna start acting like total dicks. Total bullies. Don’t be afraid to gang up on her a little, and so just as she’s in danger of bursting into tears, I tell you guys off, save her, and make you apologize, I go off and have a nice, romantic conversation with Sonia-san. So, sound good?”    

 

There are roughly 200,000 entries listed in the dictionary not including 9,500 derivative subentries and 50,000 obsoletes, and even if I ripped them all out and strung all of them together, I would never be able to express how badly I wanted to hit Souda with a folding chair at that very moment.   

Kuzuryuu and I just stood there, dumbfounded. Open-mouthedly dumbfounded at Souda’s stupidity. Who the fuck did he think he was, just giving us some heartfelt speech about love and perseverance only to ruin it by asking us to discard both our dignity and identity?

This was insane.

 

--

 

(In the main room, Komaeda pov)

 

I wonder how Hinata’s doing right now with Souda-kun and Kuzuryuu-kun.

I downed another gulp of fruit punch just so I would have something to do besides just stand in front of the refreshments. Sonia had done well in choosing snacks. The punch was good, and it had a hint of tanginess that I liked. I played with the sleeves on my sweater, a nervous habit of mine. Then again, maybe it just had something to do with that. Had Pekoyama not wandered off to find her friends, I might have someone to talk to. I would willingly accept any kind of person resembling a friendly acquaintance. Sadly, there were none. As I scanned the room for someone to talk to, I found not a single one. It was either all people I didn’t know or people that I barely knew who simply tolerated me, all mulling about in social engagement. I wished with all my heart that I could join them. Had I been the person that I was in say, seventh grade, I might have been able to. But a lot had changed since then.  

I missed Hinata. If we couldn’t be together, then I at least hoped that he was successfully aiding Souda in his hopeless conquest. It was moments like these that I realized how socially vulnerable I was without him. Just interacting with others was a difficult task for me. My stomach always twists around the wrong way, I get a headache, and the wrong words come out too quietly. But when I’m with him, things are always so easy. Everything became easy. Had I become that reliant on Hinata’s guidance?

Should I be worried?

No, no. I told myself. You’re just antsy about exams. And you’ll find the flash drive, don’t worry. You won’t need it again until next week. You’re fine on your own, you’re just not feeling very social is all.

I sometimes find it hilarious that I’m so good at lying to myself. But then, how have I survived up to know, anyway?

I wanted another snack. Everyone always says I’m too skinny and I was hungry anyway, so more food wouldn’t hurt. Without thinking, I reach behind me for a cream-filled doughnut. We never have sweets around at my house, so I figured I might as well enjoy myself. My hand accidentally ran into another person’s forearm. The arm drew back.

“Ah!” I said instinctively, pivoting back around so I didn’t have to make eye contact with the full figure. “I...u-um...s-sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, it’s fi-- Woah, Komaeda?”

I ventured to see who had addressed me by my name. Standing before me was a boy with a rather petite frame in a dark blue sweatshirt. His hair was a bit shaggy and the color reminded me of wet sand. I recognized him immediately. He was Hinata’s best friend. Someone that I would never be.

“Oh...h-hi Naegi-kun!” So Sonia’s ‘friend of a friend’ had reached so far as Naegi. “I d-didn’t expect to...I mean…”

His expression was cheerful, but it darkened slightly. “Yeah. I was a little apprehensive about coming since I don’t know Sonia-san very well and I wasn’t exactly invited directly, but my friend Hagakure dragged me here.”

“Um...the tall Hagakure with the weird hair and the haramaki sash that makes him look like an old man?” I didn’t think I had said anything funny, but Naegi started laughing. I laughed a little too. His laughter was infectious. I liked that about him.

“I hadn’t thought of that, but it does! It makes him look like a total geezer!” Naegi chortled. “But yeah, that’s the one.”

“Well, uh….” I legitimately had no idea what to say to him. “A-are you enjoying yourself? I mean with the party and all?”

“I’m having a pretty good time. It helps that Sonia knows how to throw a party properly.”

“Oh...that’s good.”

“Yeah…”

This was getting pretty awkward pretty fast. Normally the only time I talked to Naegi was when Hinata was with me. I had no leads as to how to strike up conversation with Naegi without his aid.

Naegi helped me, and spoke first. “Did you come here alone?”

“Huh? Oh, no, I came with Hinata-kun.”

“Oh, really? Why are you by yourself, then?”

“He had some...I mean, Souda kind of dragged him off before we could spend much time together.”

“Mmm...well, I guess this is kind of awkward, but do you want to hang out for a bit then? I don’t really have anything else to do.”

It took me a moment to fully mull over the concept. Luckily, it didn’t take long for my brain to decipher it. Naegi was asking me to hang out with him. Perhaps it was only to pass the time until he found a different way to divert himself, but still, just by acknowledging me positively was enough proof that he cared about me due to interaction from prior engagements. This could be just an excuse for friendly small talk, or he could be attempting to take a step towards potential friendship and not just friendly acquaintance.

“Ok, sure,” I said, trying my best to look cheerful. “We’re kind of in the way of traffic right now, so we should probably move away from all the food.”

“Good call. Let’s go somewhere quieter.”

 

Naegi and I wound up sitting together on the stairs where the rest of the house was blocked off. Since not many people had much of a reason to go up the stairs since guests were only allowed in the ballroom, it was relatively empty. Naegi took a sip of his punch and made a contemptful tapping noise with his tongue.

“I don’t know why Sonia picked this punch. It’s really awful,” he said.

“You think so? I don’t think it’s that bad.”

He chuckled. “Maybe my taste buds are too commoner for expensive refreshments. So how have you been? New school life been treating you ok?”

“Yeah, it...it’s been ok,” I replied. “I haven’t really been able to make any friends besides Hinata-kun. I’m not very good with other people.”

“Can’t say I’m the same way. Being social is pretty easy for me. Most of the time when I’m not able to register socialization, I’m just being lazy.”

I looked to the side. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to be outgoing. I would give anything to be able to keep up a normal conversation with someone I don’t know. People just aren’t my strong suit. Sometimes it can be kind of scary, even.”

Naegi looked at me with concern, still retaining his optimistic stature. “That sounds tough. I’m sorry I can’t relate.”

I shrugged. “Don’t apologize. And besides, I’m getting better. I think being with Hinata has helped me out a lot.”

Naegi exhaled. “Seriously? Hajime’s a such a dork. He sucks at verbal communication.”

“Really? It doesn’t seem that way to me.”

“Are you kidding me? Ok, so there was one time in eighth grade when he hit his head on the gym floor during PE.”

I winced. “Ouch.”

“And he told everyone he was fine, but then four hours later when he was on his way to sixth period he doubled over and started puking into a trash can. It was so bad that he got a black eye from it. Then he passed out right in the middle of the hallway, and my friend Ishimaru had to haul him to the nurse’s office. Then the school nurse sent him to the hospital because as it turned out, he had a severe concussion. And from what the nurse told me, he had probably been in a lot of pain all day, but….just never told anyone about it. I asked him about it when he was released, and he said--” At this point Naegi held a hand to his mouth as if to hold in a laugh. “He said ‘I didn’t think it was that bad and I didn’t want to bother anyone.’”

It took me a while, but I laughed. As pathetic as it was, it did sound like Hinata. Putting other’s needs before his own, but erring in letting it cloud the fact that he hadn’t considered his own condition. I probably shouldn’t have found it funny, but I did, and I laughed really hard. “While I want to say that doesn’t sound like him, I would believe that’s something he would do,” I said once my laughter had died down.

“Yeah…” said Naegi. “Hinata’s considerate to a fault. I mean, he’s my best friend and everything, but sometimes he can be a little bit of a handful.”

“I think that can be said of everyone. Nobody is flawless,” I muttered. “You just recognize his flaws better than most people. It just means you’re the one he’s closest to.”

He smiled a bit. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“To be honest, I’m a little envious.”

“What?”

I scratched my thumbnail against the plastic on my cup. “You probably already know this, but I knew Hinata-kun when we were just kids. He moved away in the middle of grade school. And ever since I’ve been able to see him again, all I’ve wanted to do was try to get to know him better. We’ve been spending a lot of time together since I came here, but he just seems...out of my reach somehow.”

Naegi furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“Whenever I’m with him, whenever I talk to him, I feel so happy. But at the same time I feel like something’s missing. I look in his eyes, and I can’t help but feel that they’re hiding things.”

“...Hiding things?”

“It might just be me being paranoid. It’s like...he’s there and he’s not there. He’s not showing me who he really is, just what he wants me to see. I know that people tend to put up walls when they’re first meeting someone, but since I knew him in the past, and we were so close...I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide.”

Naegi looked at me meaningfully. “Well, are you hiding from him?”

That remark made me stop and think. I looked at Naegi, patiently awaiting my answer. The answer came to me quickly, but it was hard to say it. I was hiding so many things from him. I was being a hypocrite.

“A little,” I said hesitantly.

Naegi smiled understandingly. “You guys are still getting to know each other again. Just give it some time. I can tell Hinata really likes you, so I wouldn’t worry about it.”

His words were kind of comforting. I accepted them with open arms. I wasn’t in any kind of rush to get anywhere. “Ok. I will. Thank you.”

Naegi rested his face on the palm of his hand. “And besides, he’s got a lot on his plate right now, so he might just be acting a little more withdrawn than usual.”

“How so?”

“There’s midterms coming up, and some...other stuff, not to mention what happened with his brother…”

My ears perked up. “You mean Izuru?”

“Yeah….didn’t he--?”

“What happened with Izuru-kun?”

Naegi suddenly looked at me with an expression of pure dread. “He hasn’t…?”

I gained a progressively uneasy feeling. “Hasn’t what? What happened?”

Naegi turned away. “I-it’s nothing! I mean...it...it’s nothing important.” He then tried to sit up as straight as possible, scanning the room with his eyes. “Hey, uh, listen, I promised my parents that I would check in around seven-thirty, and it’s almost eight now, so I’ve gotta go. They’re gonna be mad if I wait any longer. I-it was nice talking to you!”

“Uh...yeah...you too.”

But before I could finish, Naegi had already made his way into the crowd of peers. I’m not stupid. I can usually tell when somebody’s fibbing to me. Naegi wouldn’t be coming back.

What had happened with Izuru?

Why hadn’t I known about it? From what Hinata told me, he had been doing well. I tried to dismiss the thought, but I couldn’t.

Hinata...where are you?

How much have you been hiding?

I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me things. 

 

I decided to think it over with another glass of punch.

 

(Backyard, Hinata pov)

 

I sat by myself on one of the benches overlooking the back garden, the voices of other guests acting as background music. I was sitting with my arms rested on my knees, which were tucked close to my torso. I just felt like sulking. I wasn’t in a very good mood. It was cold too, and my jacket was inside.

Souda’s ‘plan’ never went into full effect, seeing as he was being a complete asshole. No...actually, that’s a lie. I did try to talk to Sonia the way Souda had told me. Except I was trying to be as subtle as I could, meaning just vague enough that Sonia wouldn’t take any offense at all, but clear enough that Souda would take initiative. Kuzuryuu opted out long ago. My fake conversation went something like this:

Me: (trying to be as cool as humanly possible) Hey, Sonia.

Sonia: Ah, hello again Hinata-san! What’s up?

Me: Well, I...I mean...where did you get your...dress?

Sonia: (sensing something amiss about my demeanor, I’m sure of it)....It’s from H&M? Why do you ask?

Me:........uh….

Sonia: Yes?

Me: Well, it looks like, uh, I mean, on you, it….

Sonia:

Me:

Sonia:

Me: I have to go.

 

And I reveled in the fact that I would be cringing about it in front of the bathroom mirror tomorrow. Oh well.

I wondered if Makoto had made it to the party, since the attendance seemed to be most of the first years. I wondered where Komaeda was. I had lost track of him after going off with Souda, and I wasn’t able to find him. And then I got sick of the crowd and decided to just hang out outside. Albeit it being pretty chilly, the cold biting at my skin felt kind of good. Each time I exhaled, I could see it in the air. The uniform change was on Monday. While I liked the cold, it also reminded me of the long sleeved shirt that doesn't look good on me.

I probably wouldn’t end up making it to eleven-thirty. Maybe I had just wanted to spend time alone after all.

“It’s so stupid,” I said to no one.

“What is?”

I whirled my head around to see who had answered me. Standing behind me, in all her geeky glory, was Nanami. My heart sank.

“...How long have you been standing there?”

She smiled sweetly. “I just got here.” She sat down next to me. She was wearing a purple skirt with striped leggings and flats, coupled with a sweatshirt with the Blizzard logo screenprinted on it. “What are you doing here all by yourself, party animal?”

I leaned back. “I dunno. The air was getting kind of stale in there.”

“Yeah. There’s a lot of people. You look cold, though. Where’s your jacket?” She leaned on my shoulder casually without waiting for an answer, making my heart sink even further. After midterms, I thought. The second after midterms are over. “I’ve pretty much just been playing SF with Chihiro the whole time.”

“I got pulled into another one of Souda’s stupid romance tactics.”

Nanami chuckled. “What a featherbrain. I guess that’s what makes him loveable.”

“Loveable? Really?”

“Sure. The Useless Hot Dork King.”

“So you think he’s hot.”

“...I might have for a little while.”

“I’m starting to question your standards, Nanami,” I jabbed. “You trying to make me jealous?”

“Shut up!” She was blushing, but still smiling. She poked me in the stomach quite forcefully.

“OW!”

Nanami just giggled. She leaned back onto me, resting her hand on my knee. She was so sweet. More than anyone could ever ask for.

It hurt.

“Hey, Hinata-kun.”

“Hm?”

“Has everything been ok with you?”

The familiar emptiness in my stomach began to manifest. But still, I made an effort to smile. “Everything’s good. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“At first I didn’t think much of it, but I’ve noticed it a lot lately. It’s like right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“It didn’t used to happen. It always does when I try to be sweet with you.”

I knew exactly what she meant. Nanami was very observant. But I listened and played along like I didn’t know.

“You look like you’re someplace else. We used to talk to each other about everything, but now I have to pull conversation out of you. And when I look at you, you always just look kind of…”

“...kind of what?”

“Sad.”

That one little word hit me so hard. It was because I realized that Nanami was right. Ever since I realized my sexuality, had I been able to feel genuinely happy? It’s because of you, I wanted to say. It’s because I don’t want to hurt you, I mean it, I really really do.

I was going to tell her the truth. Well, part of it. Maybe it would make things easier.

“I’m confused right now,” I said.

“Confused?”

“I...I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with myself. I feel like every waking moment, I’m pretending to be somebody I’m not. I don’t know if it’s to satisfy my own ego or my reputation or what, but no matter what someone says to me or asks me, it feels like my first impulse is to be untruthful.”

“So it has something to do with your identity?”

“Identity might be a part of it.”

“Are you afraid of people reacting to what you say?”

That made me stop and think. Was I afraid? Was I just so scared of what people would think or feel that I just didn’t do what I wanted?

“I don’t know.”  

“Hinata,” she said. “Do what makes you happy. There are some things that you can’t afford to be afraid of. And you know that no matter who you are, I’ll always stick with you.”

I turned my head to face her. She was smiling.

“Nanami…”

Nanami leaned forward and gently pecked me on the cheek, cupping my face with her hand.

“I love you,” she said in a hushed voice.

Then I did the most masculine possible thing I could have done in that situation.

 

I started crying.

 

I wasn’t just tearing up, or quietly sobbing out little blubbery tears, I was legit crying. My face contorted as the salty water traced lines down my cheeks. I pulled away from Nanami and put my hands over my face, simultaneously trying to wipe my tears and quiet myself so that nobody else heard the pathetic noises I was making. I couldn’t stop. All the stress I had been bottling up for two weeks came rushing to the surface.

Nanami became pretty distraught almost immediately. I don’t blame her. She had no way of knowing why I was crying.

“Hinata!? Wh-what happened? What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t hear her at first over my sniffling. My vision was blurred as well.

“Hinata! Why are you crying!?”

“Nn sry…”

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” I choked out.

“Sorry? Sorry about what?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“But you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“No,” I sobbed. “I did. I’m awful. Y-you deserve better than someone like me. I need to just….”

“Hey, that’s not true! Tell me what’s wrong!”

I couldn’t take this. It was too much. I stood up as fast as I could and towards the back door leading inside, leaving Nanami alone on the bench, disoriented. I rushed inside, pushed past several people, ran back to the coat closet, and slammed myself inside, my frantic mind not knowing what else to do. I threw myself against the wall, my fist the only thing separating my face and the door. Nanami probably wouldn’t find me in here.

 

I tried my best to will myself to stop bawling. But my brain was just like Woah there Hajime, why stop now? You’re on a roll! So the wet little beads of torture continued forming in my eyes, my face refused to return to normal, and my voice was cracked and raspy. Here I was, the one guy at a party who locks himself in a closet and cries, and just now realizing how it’s so painfully appropriate.

I was a coward. I was such a useless coward that I never said what was on my mind and I never was true to who I was because I was so afraid of what everyone else might think. I was just a selfish son of a bitch who was locking himself in a closet and crying because he couldn’t even cope with how shitty he was.

Hey. Hey. Hey Hajime.

Let’s play a game.

It’s called “Cry in a Closet and Look Stupid.”

Are you ready?

YOU WIN.

I ended up staying in there for a while. I was lucky that nobody wanted their coat to go outside. At one point somebody did knock on the door for me.

“Hey, is everything ok in there?”

“I’m fine!” I replied, probably louder than necessary. My voice was still cracking. “Leave me alone!”

“Because you don’t sound so--”

“I’m just fine! Go away!”

Maybe I was the reason nobody wanted to go in for their coat. I didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed or powerful.

Nanami’s concerned, confused expression was still distinctly burned into my mind. There was no way I could wait until midterms now. I needed to tell her, and soon. If I waited any longer, I might just end up hurting her even more. I didn’t want that. She was too dear of a friend. Fear was no longer an excuse. For once in my stupid life, I would have to put someone else’s feelings above mine.

A while later (I’m not sure how long exactly, I sort of lost track of time in there) there was another knock on the door, followed by a greeting.

“Hajime?”

I knew the voice well. It was Makoto.

So Sonia’s underground network had reached as far as Makoto. I was glad it was him. I had mostly stopped crying, so I answered him.

“Yeah?”

“Are you in there?”

“No one here but us coats.”

He opened the door, turned on the light, and saw me sitting against the wall. He leaned against the door frame and stared at me with a poker face. “Something wrong? Your eyes are red.”

I sniffed. “I’m fine. I think I’m just coming down with a cold or something.”

“What in the world are you doing in the coat closet?” He asked skeptically.

“Getting away from the crowd?”

I could tell he didn’t believe me. Still, he didn’t press the matter.

“Well, Nanami went home a little while ago. She said she couldn’t find you, and to say goodbye for her if I saw you. Just thought I would let you know.”

I gulped. “...Ok.”  

“...And I thought that you should come out now.”

“Fair enough.”

He held out his hand. I took it, and used it to hoist myself up. Crying had made me feel lightheaded.

“Hajime. Is everything ok?”

“Huh? Y-yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

He looked away from me. “Nothing. Nevermind.”

Makoto had a distant look in his eyes. He got that way when he was trying to think about something he didn’t want to talk about. He might have guessed that I was crying, or maybe even why I was crying. I didn’t ask him.

It was only then that it occurred to me that I had completely abandoned Komaeda.

“Hey, Makoto, have you seen Komaeda anywhere?”

“We talked a while ago. But I haven’t seen him since.”

I ran a hand through my hair. “I’ll ask around. I feel bad about ditching him, and I’d...I’d kind of like to leave soon.”

“Hey, Hajime.”

“What?”

Makoto almost looked nervous, and he tugged on the edge of his shirt. “Will you….will you give Nanami a call? To let her know you’re ok?”

Makoto can be pretty perceptive. I gave him a faint nod. We merged back into the crowd together.

 

--

 

I spotted Pekoyama and Koizumi chatting with each other by the hallway leading to the backyard. Saionji was clinging to Koizumi's dress. I was actually surprised to see her wearing a tee shirt and jeans. 

Pekoyama immediately waved at me. Koizumi looked indifferent at my sudden appearance.

“Hinata. I haven’t seen you for awhile.”

"'Eeeeeey!" said Saionji, holding a red plastic cup in the air. "'S Hajime oni-chan with the wire hair!"

Wire hair? Saionji was usually able to come up with a better zinger than that. 

“I stepped outside. Have either of you seen Komaeda anywhere?”

“Hmmm…” she hummed thoughtfully. “I can’t say that I’ve seen him since Souda-kun dragged you and Fuyuhiko off. How did that go, by the way?”

I winced. “That never really ended up happening.”

“I see.”

Koizumi chimed in. “Who’s Komaeda?”

“The new student in your guys’s class,” said Makoto. “I mean, sort of new. He has white hair, kind of pale?”

Koizumi thought for a second. “Oh yeah....I saw him a little bit ago. He didn’t look too good.”

“...Wait, what?”

“He was like, a lot paler than he usually is. Like, yellowish. And I’m really not sure how that’s possible since the guy already looks like a corpse. He just didn’t look right. He was bumping into things, he looked scared, and it almost looked like he was sick.”

He was sick?

"Hahahahahaaa!" Saionji laughed. "Mahiru oni-chan, 's the Vicky from Corpse Bride! Innat what he looks like?"

Koizumi looked down at Saionji. "Hiyoko, are you feeling ok? You look a little red in the face."

"'M jus fine, jus fine! 'M jus havin' fun at the party!"

"Because you're acting kind of..."

"Like what? 'M I actin' pretty like Mahiru ni-chan?"

Saionji was acting strangely. Stranger than usual, mind you. Her movements seemed almost dizzy, and her speech pattern was a lot more irregular than usual. I wouldn't doubt that she was a little ill.

"No, you're not," Koizumi said quizzically. She put her fingers against Saionji's forehead. "Are you sure you're not a little feverish? You seem a little warm." 

That statement was very well timed, because at the very moment Koizumi closed her mouth, I heard a very loud retching noise. I then heard several voices yelling in alarm and panic. I turned my head to see where it was coming from, and I saw a tiny crowd giving a wide berth to somebody keeled over on the ground. Makoto, Pekoyama, Koizumi and I wordlessly made our way over to see what had happened, accidentally leaving Saionji behind.

Koizumi took one look and yelled “oH MY GOD!”

One of my peers was bent over on their knees, breathing heavily, face red, choking over a puddle of their own vomit. I almost puked myself. I would never have been able to predict what followed.

There were a couple of guys watching him and laughing. I had no idea why. They were just leaning on each other and laughing. They didn’t look right at all. This whole scene didn’t look right. On another side of the room, I heard someone else retch. I didn’t even bother in rushing over. Not long afterward, I found somebody passed out on the ground.

What in the...

If I had to choose a moment in my life that I have been the most confused, I think I can say that that was it. I had no idea what was happening. Why were people just getting sick left and right? These were people that I saw every day. What was happening to them?

Still, in the midst of the confusion, it was the least of my concerns. I had to find Komaeda. I was starting to get worried about him. I waded through the crowd several times and still couldn’t find him. I ended up losing Makoto at one point, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to find Komaeda and go home and forget that I ever came to this stupid party. I came across several other people who looked either sick or abnormally happy. I actually found Matsuda asleep on the stairs. The Street Fighter station had been knocked over by a couple of girls, and the tv was cracked and broken. I needed to find Komaeda and get the hell out of here. After about the fiftieth time milling through the crowd, I saw Sonia. She was standing by the coat closet where I had been hiding for the past hour or so. She was leaned up against the wall with tears in her eyes.

“Sonia?”

She gave me a tearful look. “H-hinata-san. I don’t know what’s happening.”

“I don’t either. Why is everyone getting sick?”

She sobbed into her hand. “I don’t know. I don’t know. Was there something in the food? I-I’m fairly sure it wouldn’t be food poisoning...”

“Sonia, it’s ok. We’ll figure out what happened.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I just wanted to…”

“To what…?”

Sonia wiped her eyes. “I just wanted to have everyone in our class over and, and I wanted to get to know everyone b-better, and with Komaeda-kun being new, and I just wanted everyone to have fun with each other at a little get together, and….” she gritted her teeth. “I h-hate these people!! Why do they just take my invitation as a welcome to invite everyone they know!? I never told them they could!!!”

Sonia cried harder, doing nothing to restrict her tantrum.

Sonia…

She was such a good person. She cared so much about having healthy relationships with everyone, and everyone else to be friendly with each other in turn. She had just wanted a small gathering with our class so that we could all be better friends. All she wanted was a fun little party with her close friends and acquaintances, and all these people had ruined it. They had ruined it by inviting their stupid friends, and now this was happening. I felt angry too. Sonia didn’t deserve any of this.

“Sonia-san!”

Kuzuryuu came up and grabbed Sonia by the arm. “I figured it out.”

“You did?” she asked hopefully.

He looked at me. “Hinata, I’m not sure why you’re here, but you’re probably gonna want to hear this too.” Kuzuryuu took a deep breath. “I found out why so many people are getting sick.”

“Why?” asked Sonia.

“They’re not sick. They’re drunk.”    

 

We took a few seconds to let that sink in.

 

“What…” I said in a terrified voice. “What do you mean they’re....”

“Let me explain. Somebody--I don’t know who or why--spiked the fruit punch on the snack table with whiskey. I was able to taste it right away.”

“Kuzuryuu, how do you know what whisky tastes like?”

“I have a strong palate. Now shut up and let me explain,” he snapped. “Whoever did it did it really well. They must have mixed in some other stuff to mask the flavor. But my point is is that we need to get rid of that punch right away and shut down the party or if what my gut is telling me is true, something bad is going to happen.”

I could hardly believe what I was hearing. The more Kuzuryuu went on, the more urge I felt to leave.

“Kuzuryuu...are you sure?”

“Of course I am! Do you think I would lie about this kind of thing!?”

I looked over at Sonia.

She was not happy. I watched her face contort into a rage-filled expression. Her dreariness had turned to pure determination.

“Give me a moment,” she said defiantly, and walked away, wiping her tears off on her bare arm.

Kuzuryuu and I stood in silence for a moment.

“What should we do?” I asked.

“What can we do?” Kuzuryuu replied, taking out his phone. “I’m gonna find Peko and get the hell out of here.”

Find…

Then I remembered something important.

“Kuzuryuu!” I said, voice filled with panic. “Have you seen Komaeda anywhere? I haven’t been able to find him!”

“I saw him a little while ago. I think he was headed towards the bathroom. He didn’t look very good."

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

I ran in the direction of the hallway leading to the back patio, pushing past the people trying to figure out what was going on. Both of the people I had heard testimonies from said that Komaeda had looked ill. And I couldn’t find him. And somebody had spiked the punch. After connecting the dots, the picture didn’t look very pretty.

I dashed into the hallway, found the restroom door. It was unlocked. I flung it open.

And there he was.

He didn’t look good at all. He was huddled next to the toilet, holding his knees and shaking in the dark atmosphere, the light from the hallway the only illumination in the room. It smelled like gastric acid, and I nearly doubled over in the dense atmosphere. He was covering his eyes with his palms.

“Komaeda?”

He looked up at me slowly. His face was bright red. He looked scared.

“H-Hinata-kun…” He stopped in the middle of his statement to forcefully put a hand over his mouth. Knowing what this probably insinuated, I looked away. I could hear him retch into the toilet, probably not for the first time tonight, judging by his state. When I looked back, he was leaning on the bowl panting, with a hand over his eyes. He was shaking.

Nobody needed to say anything. He looked pretty damn drunk.

“I-I-I…” he stammered. “I don’t feel good.” His words were slightly slurred together.

I shut the door behind me and turned on the light. I went up to him, knelt down, and put a hand on his shoulder. His breath smelled awful, but I didn’t waver. “It’s ok. I know. We’re gonna go home now, alright?” I didn't know what else to say. 

Komaeda grabbed hold of my waist and hugged me, almost knocking me onto the ground. He felt really warm. He pressed himself against my chest as hard as he could.

“I don’t understand,” he drawled. “I wasn’t talking to anybody and things got really dizzy, and---”

I had little idea what to do in this situation. He looked so pathetic, so desperate. I could also tell he was nowhere near his right mind. “It’s alright,” I tried. “We need to get you home so you can rest.”

Then he did something a little unexpected. With his face firmly pressed into the center of my chest, he reached his hand around to my back and slid it up my shirt, running his fingers along my spine. I flinched at the sudden contact.

“K-ko? What are you doing?”

“It’s good to see you…”

His hand went further up my back, making my shirt ride up my torso and leaving my stomach exposed. He pressed his fingers between my shoulder blades, gently massaging them.

“Hnn!”

Oh shut up. He caught me off guard.

His other hand was placed on my bare waist, gently caressing the skin attached to it. It was weird. Was he just doing this because he was dead wasted? Either way, to be honest, I didn’t really do much to resist. His touch felt kind of good. I had no idea why he was doing it, but I was surprised to feel my heart rate quickening a little. Him tracing lines along my back, pressed against me like this, feeling so warm to the touch…

“Nnn…”

His fingers traced themselves around my ribs, going further up. Then brought his fingers back down and brushed them across my bare stomach. My skin tingled under his fingertips. He kept the pattern up for a while, back, ribs, waist, stomach. If the circumstances were different, I might have let him keep going, just to see what would happen. 

“Komaeda, stop.”

He chuckled. “You stop.”

“Komaeda.” I said irritably.

“Noooo.”

I had to wedge my hands between us and onto his chest to push him off of me. I pulled my shirt back down. “We’re gonna leave now. Can you walk?”

He stared at me dumbly. Then his eyes widened, and he clutched his mouth again and choked. I scurried back, hoping to avoid the flood of stomach fluids that I was sure would follow. Somehow, he managed to keep it in. Tears began to rim the edges of his eyes. “It feels bad again.”

“You’re gonna be ok. Let’s go home.” I reached out and took both of his hands, in an attempt to signal him upward. He looked at me pitifully, and gave me a small nod.

 

--

 

“WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS DID IT!!???!?”   

I emerged from the bathroom with Komaeda leaning on my shoulder for support. He was holding his stomach with his other arm. Since he was probably half the weight than was usually healthy, He wasn’t that difficult to half-carry. When we had gotten out of the hallway, the first thing to catch my attention was Sonia, standing at the top of the stairs and screaming her head off. Everyone who was not passed out or sick listened accordingly.

“Somebody here,” she growled, “spiked the drinks I had laid out as refreshments with alcohol, and I’m sure you know who you are!!” Sonia was seething mad. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that mad, and I don’t think I ever will again. I couldn’t really blame her, though. She darted her eyes around the room, frantically pointing fingers like she was the Ace Attorney or something. “Perhaps it was you, Hagakure!! This seems like exactly the kind of thing you would do!!!”

Yasuhiro Hagakure, standing near the front of Sonia’s audience, recoiled. “What!? No it’s not! Why does everyone get all pointy-fingered at me when stuff like this happens!?”

Because you look like a stoner back-up dancer for Bob Marley. Shots fired. You’re welcome.

“O-or maybe it was you, Ludenberg! Or...or it could have been you, Hanamura!! Or..or…”

Sonia had clearly thrown any rational thought out the window long ago. She was just placing blame on whomever her eyes rested on, hoping that it would give her some sort of lead. Part of me really wanted to stay and help her. I felt so bad for her, just wanting to have a nice, casual get-together with friends only to be ruined by a few idiots with their cell phones and one even bigger idiot with a bottle of liquor. But I also needed to consider the fact that I had an extremely drunk friend clinging to my shoulder who may or may not be in danger of hurling out his organs at any given moment. I had to leave right now.

I listened to Sonia’s hissy fit screaming as I left the building, as well as the innocent testimonies of suspects.

“I will not stand for this type of mischief at any social event of mine!!! Just confess, Hanamura!”

“Ah, but, w-well, Miss Sonia, I would never dream of disrupting peace under your esteemed presence--”

“Likely fucking story!!! Do you have any idea what you’ve done!?”

I grabbed our jackets from the coat closet and made my Irish Exit as quietly as possible. I would call Sonia and Kuzuryuu and Makoto later to see how things went. I would have to text Nanami, too.

 

For the first ten minutes walking was easy. It was slow, but that was only because we were basically two bodies welded together in the world’s least-rushed four legged race. After a while we started going even slower because Komaeda had to stop every few yards on account of feeling sick again. As for that, well, it was a mad dash to the nearest street trash can. I didn’t think we would ever make it to the train stop. And as luck would have it, we had twenty minutes until the next train. Yay.

I gently sat Komaeda down on one of the benches. Despite him exerting a massive amount of heat, he was shivering in the cold, dark atmosphere. I tightened his scarf around his neck. He still quaked like a leaf. So reluctantly, I surrendered my coat and wrapped it around his shoulders. He then pulled at the zipper so that it was snug around his body.

I sat next to him, tilted my head back, and let out a deep sigh. It was really cold, so I could see it hanging in the still air. This was not how I had wanted to spend my saturday night. Getting talked into some shit love tactic, having my confidence totally shattered by soon to be ex-girlfriend, and having the evening end with dragging my drunk friend home was not my idea of a good time. I don’t think Komaeda would have been able to navigate his way home at night in his current state, and I’m sure his parents wouldn’t be pleased at all. So I didn’t really have much of choice but to take him to my house. Crap. Dad was going to freak out. I had even promised him that there wouldn’t be any alcohol at the party since I knew the hostess. Now I was going to come back two hours earlier than I had told him I was going to stay out with my wasted friend clinging to my shoulder. If I wasn’t able to explain myself, I was probably going to be grounded. Heck, even if I was able to explain myself, I might get grounded. I stared at the moths congregating at a nearby lamppost as I assessed the situation. And this had to happen the weekend right before midterms. I hoped Sonia was able to find whoever spiked the punch.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of my friend sniffling. When I looked back at him, he was wiping his face on the sleeve of his sweater.

“Hey,” I said. “Are you still cold? The train is probably coming soon.”

He shook his head no. I scooted next to him. On closer inspection, I could see tears falling from his eyes, which were red and puffy. He was crying.

“What--hey, what’s wrong!? Did something happen?”

He shook his head again, more violently this time.

“Hey. Answer me. Why are you crying?”

“Hinata…” he sniffed, eyes fixed on the ground. “I-I’m so sorry….”

I grabbed the fabric on his sleeve. “Sorry? For what?”

“I did something bad. I -hic- did something really horrible.”

“What? No you didn’t.”

He just kept crying big, wet tears into his arm. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I need to tell you, but I---” the rest I couldn’t really make out over his upset speech pattern.

Komaeda was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t make out what it was. All I knew was that it was making him very sad in his delicate state. Did what? What happened? I jostled his arm a little. “Hey. Hey, look at me.” He didn’t listen. “Did something happen?”

“I can’t tell you. I just can’t,” he bawled. He hid his face with his hands. “Goddammit! Why, why can’t I even do that? I’m so disgusting....Why do I have to fucking be like this!? I must just be the most horrible person in the world, or the universe, or, or....”

I was taken aback by his sudden outburst. I had never heard Komaeda swear before.

“Like garbage or something...I want to tell you so bad, but….If I do, you’ll hate me forever.”

You’ll hate me forever.

I could never hate you forever. What are you talking about? What did you do that would make me hate you?

“Komaeda.” I gripped both of his shoulders and turned him so that he faced me. I yanked his hands away from his eyes. He looked like a deer in the headlights, with a mass of tears drawing lines down his face. He looked so scared. So vulnerable. What had happened that had made him so sad? I wanted to know. I wanted to know more than anything. But I couldn’t do that to him.

“Then you don’t have to tell me anything.”

He wavered. “...What?”

“You don’t have to tell me. If it's just going to make you sad, you don’t have to.”

“Are you...are you sure?” he said weakly.

“Yes.” I replied with the warmest smile I could muster. “I don’t want you to be sad. And even if you do decide to tell me, I won’t hate you. We’re friends.”

“Even if--”

“Ssssh. Be quiet. Nothing you could do is so bad that I would hate you for it.”

He gripped the fabric on his jeans. “...Do you promise?”

“I promise.”

He leaned in, wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight hug. I could feel the warmth of his tears as he sobbed into my shirt. I wrapped my arms around him too, hoping he would glean comfort from it.

Wow. He was really really drunk.

After a while, I could see the headlights of the monorail growing increasingly brighter. It was about damn time. The train wheezed towards us with it’s usual mechanical noises. I helped Komaeda up as we boarded the train.

I noticed that as we got on the train there were a bunch of people staring at us. I wondered how this must have looked to anyone not aware of the context we had come from. Don’t mind me, just an average high school student out in the dark on a Saturday with a drunk, crying, scraggly haired guy slung over my shoulder. Nothing to see here. Fuck you. Thanks.

By the time the train had started moving, Komaeda had mostly stopped crying. But now a new problem had reared it’s ugly head.

“I think I need to be sick again.”

Fear quickly took root.

Komaeda had mostly stopped getting sick and throwing up by the time we got to the boarding station, but I noticed he was clutching his stomach with a pained expression the minute the monorail started moving. I quickly realized it was because we were in a moving vehicle. We were also going very fast. Even though he wasn’t heaving anymore, Komaeda obviously still felt sick. So I imagine he was focusing every ounce of his concentration (at least, every bit that you can summon when you’re hopelessly drunk) to not be sick all over the interior of the train. That couldn’t have been easy. So he spent the entire train ride with his hand on his stomach and occasionally jolting forward as if he was going to be sick. All things considered, he did a pretty good job. The second we got off the train, we made for the nearest municipal trash can. I made a point to pretend I didn’t notice any onlookers.

The way home was traveled with few obstacles. We passed the school, Makoto’s apartment, and finally, I could see the lights on at my house. I was already rehearsing what to say to my dad when I walked in the door. Komaeda could even sort of walk on his own by then, despite not being able to do it in anything resembling a straight line, but there was no getting out of this one.

Upon approaching the doorstep, I took a deep breath, got my keys out, and opened the door. It was warm inside. I was thankful.

“I’m home.”

My dad was in the kitchen wearing a tee shirt and sweatpants, making himself something to eat. “Haji! Didn’t think you would be home so early, how was the---”

It was hard for me to watch his face morph into confusion upon seeing Komaeda clinging to me.

“Good evening, sir.” Komaeda drawled.

“Dad, before you kill me, I can explain.”

 

--

 

“Hajime, you told me there wouldn’t be any alcohol at that party!”

“I didn’t think there would be! It just...it happened! That’s why I came home!”

“And who is this!?” my dad yelled, gesturing toward Komaeda. “Do you realize how concerning it is when your son just waltzes in the house from a party with some drunk slung over his shoulder that you don’t even know!?”

“Dad, just let me tell you what happened! I didn’t do anything bad!”

Komaeda just sat sprawled on the couch wordlessly, holding a bag of frozen peas to his head. He looked very concerned.

My dad sighed, and held his hand to his forehead. “Alright. Start from the beginning.”

I took a deep breath. “Ok. So I went to Sonia’s party. Her house is huge by the way, it was really nice. Anyway, she had this huge table with all these snacks laid out and there was a bowl of fruit punch in the center. Somebody laced the fruit punch with alcohol at some point and nobody noticed until people had started getting sick. So I left. That’s it.”

My father looked at me dubiously. “And this boy is…?”

“Nagito Komaeda, the friend I told you I was meeting at the monorail. He was less lucky than I was. I wasn’t about to send him home like this, so I didn’t know what else to do.”     

My dad thought for a moment. So long that I could count my heartbeats. Then he heaved an even deeper sigh. “Ok. Fine. Just get him to bed and let him sleep it off. And be sure you contact his parents.”

I could feel the weight lifted from my shoulders.

“However!” he said. “Once he is in bed, I would like to have a word with you.”

“Ok. That’s fair.”

I walked past my father and knelt beside my friend. “Are you tired?”

“Uh-huh,” he said weakly.

“Stand up. You need to sleep.”

“But I’m not sleepy.”

“You also can’t walk, think, or form a coherent sentence. You’re going to bed. I probably won’t be far behind you.”

He pouted, leaving his bag of frozen peas on the couch to lean on me again. He was probably going to have to stay in my room. I didn’t want him to sleep on the floor, so I figured he could use my bed. It was already made, and I was fine with sleeping on a futon.

I got him to my room and he promptly got into my bed. I thought about asking him if he was too warm in his sweater, but he looked comfortable enough. I ran and got him a metal bowl from the kitchen cabinets in case he needed to throw up again, and put it beside the bed. When I got back, he was snuggled into the blankets with the top of his head poking out. He looked like a little white cat.

I shook him a little. “Hey.”

He opened his eyes.

“You feeling any better?”

“Mmhmm…” I could tell he was drifting off.  

I was tired too. God, too much had happened tonight. I needed a shower and I needed to go to bed. Washing my face sounded really good right now.

“Komaeda.”

“Hm?”

“I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick. Try to get some sleep. I’ll be back in case you feel sick again.”

“Ok…” he mumbled. “Hey, Hinata-kun.”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

I paused. “For what?”

“For being my friend.”

I smiled. “You’re welcome.”

 

My dad saw me on my way out. That's right, I had to talk to him. He looked at me with an expectant expression.

I hesitated. “He’ll probably be asleep soon.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it.”

“Dad, I’m really sorry,” I groaned. “I had no idea this was going to happen. You’ve gotta believe me. This was all an accident.”

“I believe you,” he said. “For now, at least. I’ll have to confirm things with your friend in the morning. Then I decide if you’re in trouble or not. But for the moment, I’m proud of you.”

My head jolted upright. “You’re...what?”

He nodded. “You did the right thing in bringing him here. I’m not sure how his folks would have reacted, and he wouldn’t have done well staying at that party, if what you’re telling me is true.”

“I couldn’t just leave him there.”

“You might be surprised how many people would have.”

I cocked my head to the side.

“You care about your friends. I admire that about you, Hajime. Ever since you were a kid, you’ve put others before yourself. I wouldn’t doubt that every one of your friends feels lucky to have you in their life, especially if you’re willing to take care of them when they’re drunk.” He patted me on the shoulder affectionately. “If there's anything you need me to do, let me know. We’ll go over the rest in the morning, you look tired. Now go take a shower, you smell awful.”

I laughed a little. “Thanks dad.”

 

--

 

I took off my clothes as I waited for the water to warm up. I felt something in the pocket of my jeans as I took them off. The flash drive. Dammit. I would have to give it to him tomorrow. I had forgotten all about it.

Once the water temperature was to my liking, I stepped in. The warm water felt good. I splashed a handful of soap onto my face. I was emotionally exhausted. I was still lightheaded from crying. Ugh, I still hadn’t texted Nanami telling her that I was ok. Sweet, kind, pretty Nanami, who didn’t do anything wrong and didn’t deserve to have me ruining her love life. I couldn’t wait for midterms to be over. The guilt and stress was destroying me.

I thought about Sonia, too. I wish I could have helped her in some way. It hurt me to think she might still be screaming her head off at the top of the stairs with tears streaming down her face. I hoped she would find whoever put alcohol in the punch. I also hoped she beat the shit out of them. She would have a hell of a time cleaning her place up. Her parents would probably find the broken tv anyway, so she was screwed. Badly. I wondered how long her parents would ground her for. If only things had gone the way she had planned, a small little gathering with the people in our class, getting to know one another better, becoming friends. That was all she wanted. And it was ruined.

I thought about Komaeda. Specifically, our little encounter in the bathroom.

The way he had touched my back and my waist with his hands...I honestly didn’t really know what to think of it. At the time I figured he was just doing it because he was wasted. But I couldn’t really say that about myself. I would be lying if I said it hadn’t felt good. The warmth of somebody else’s skin against my own has always been a sensation that I’ve liked. This time was no different, but...it made me wonder. There was nothing casual about how he had handled me. And even though we were just friends, I hadn’t really minded it. Was it bad that I had liked it? Friends don’t usually touch each other like that, right? It’s not normal.

Then again, neither am I.

I pressed my palm against my forehead. I’m overthinking this. He was just drunk. He probably won’t even remember much of it in the morning.

I turned the nozzle to shut the water off. I grabbed a towel from the rack as I stepped out and dried myself off. I had brought a pair of sweatpants in with me to change into. I had just washed them, so they were still warm and soft. I checked the time after I left the steamy bathroom, drying my hair out with my towel. It was only 10:00 and I was tuckered out. So much had happened in just four hours. I didn’t care anymore, I was going to bed.

Komaeda was fast asleep when I got there. I wasn’t immediately met with the stench of vomit, which was a pretty good sign. The metal mixing bowl remained untouched. I walked closer to him, leaning down toward his face. I could hear his soft, even breathing. He looked so peaceful, his hands held close to his face and his eyes shut tight, his lips parted as he inhaled and exhaled. I reached my fingers toward his cheek to brush a strand of hair away from his face. He twitched a little, sensitive to the sudden contact. I pulled my hand away.

I thought about what he had said. I can't tell you. You'll hate me forever.

I wanted to know so badly. It didn't occur to me that he might be keeping things from me. Still, I couldn't really look down on him for it since I was already keeping so much from him. Well, who knows. I might tell him about what happened eventually. Maybe then...maybe we could be able to open up to each other a little more? I don't want either of us to feel like we have to bottle everything up inside.

I grabbed my phone from my desk before I forgot.

 

Contacts

Chiaki Nanami

 

H: Hey how are you

N: I’m doing fine

N: Are you ok?

H: Yeah, I’m fine. I don’t really know what happened with me back there. I’ve been so frustrated with myself lately.

N: I understand. I’m just glad you’re alright. I won't pry. 

N: Anything happen after I left?

H: No you didn’t really miss much

N: That’s good.

H: I’ll see you on monday?

N: Yeah. I’ll see ya then

 

I was thankful that Nanami hadn’t used the L word again. When that word came out of her mouth, it cut my heart like cold steel. Nanami loves me. I can’t love her back anymore. I just can’t. I turn my attention back to snoozing Komaeda.

I hope he feels better tomorrow. Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve had him over at my house since we were kids. If he was feeling up to it, maybe we could hang out together, sort of low-key while he was recovering. I liked the idea. Anything to put that party behind us.

I couldn’t help but feel happy at how calming his sleeping face was.      

Notes:

Bwaaah, sorry about the longish wait for this one (and the kind of cliffhanger ending). I hope you liked it. The next chapter won't be nearly as long as this one, so it shouldn't take too long.
If you're enjoying the story, feel free to leave a comment or kudos if you like. They keep me going more than you will ever know.
Until next time!

Chapter 4: Waking Up and Feelings

Summary:

Ko wakes up at Hinata's house and has little idea what's happening.

Notes:

This chapter is from Komaeda's pov. Enjoy.

(Komaeda pov)

 

Personally, I am not an advocate for love at first sight.

 

You can’t love someone without first knowing them, even if it’s just a little. When you first look at someone, that’s really all you see. Looks are entirely superficial. I’ve always considered the concept of love at first sight to be a materialistic ideal. To me, what makes a person beautiful is what you see in them once you talk to them. Their thoughts, personality, their sense of morals and wit, all gliding along on the sound of their voice. That is what makes someone beautiful.

And to me, Hinata-kun is the most beautiful person I have ever met.  

And the best part is is that I already knew him before when we were kids, so it isn’t technically love at first sight! Ha! Take that, morals!

I’ve felt this way ever since we were children. Mind you, not in the romantic sense. Although it could have been, but maybe I just didn’t realize that was what it was. Childhood is funny that way, being clueless to what's going on, even to what's happening inside you. Whenever I was with him, I always thought he was so radiant, so wonderful. Hinata was so very kind and sweet. It warmed my heart just being with him. He made me so happy. I felt so small compared to him, his perfection outshining everything that I ever was. And to think, he wanted to be friends with someone so inferior.

When Hinata and I  first started hanging out together again, I was fascinated by him. I remember thinking, do you even have any flaws? How are you this immaculate? I began searching for them, anything resembling a flaw of his. It almost became something like a game. I payed attention to how he expressed emotions, how he talked to and about others, how he kept his temper in check, and so on and so forth. I found none. While I know he probably isn’t anywhere near perfect in actuality, he is perfect to me.

My beautiful, kind Hinata whom I think the world of.

It still makes me cringe knowing that what could have been a nice, quiet walk at night with him, maybe at least brushing against his shoulder, instead turned out to be Hinata carrying me as I occasionally branched off to vomit into a trash can.

 

--

 

The moment my eyes drifted open, I noticed I had a splitting headache. My body was much too heavy to move. I didn't acknowledge this at first because the gears of my full consciousness had not quite begun to turn. I groaned quietly as I forced my eyes to open. It seemed a lot brighter than it should have been. I was still dressed in my clothes from the night before for some reason. It took me a few minutes to fully gather my thoughts. 

It took me a while to notice that I was curled up in a bed that wasn’t my own. The covers piled on top of me were warm and soft, making me feel like I was underneath a heated table. I just lay disoriented for a while, not awake enough to move. I vaguely remembered something along the lines of leaving Sonia’s house (that’s right, there had been a party), Hinata taking me somewhere….ah, I must be at Hinata’s house. Then that meant I was….

….sleeping in his….bed….

Upon this realization, I pulled the blankets even closer to me, smiling like the fool I was. I was sleeping in Hinata’s bed! The sheets even smelled like him. Ah, this was nice, laying in his bed, drinking in his scent as if he were in bed with me. If only he was. If only my head wasn’t trying to forcefully split itself open. And while I’m at it, maybe I should wish that I could reverse time to make it so.  

I peeked my head above the covers to see his room. It was a lot smaller than mine was, but it was still nice. He had his desk placed perpendicular to the bed almost touching it, a copy of Ready Player One sitting atop a stack of school papers (I had skipped to the end, it wasn’t all that compelling). The room was otherwise empty, save his bookshelf, his closet, a brown carpet, and a few posters lining the wall. I threw my head back onto the pillow.

I don’t care how I got here, just leave me here. I’m all good here.

Then I heard the door creak open. I glanced to the side, and my heartbeat picked up. It was Hinata, clad in a grey shirt and pajama pants. His hair was quite messy.

“No, I don’t think he’s awake yet,” I heard him say.

I instinctively shut my eyes again to make it look like I was asleep. I’m not sure why I did, I just did. I didn’t want him to see me awake just yet. I heard the sound of his footsteps getting closer, him sliding open his closet door, the sound of fabric shifting and creasing. I ventured a look at him, hoping he would have his back to me. And he did.

I watched him take his shirt off. My body tensed up. My breath caught in my throat. I stared silently at his bare back, more of it becoming visible by the second.

If I’m dreaming, please don’t wake me.  

His spine and shoulder blades were so well defined, I just...ah, I just wanted to go up to him and grab him from behind so I could feel his body against mine. I wanted to feel his warmth up against my skin, I wanted to just touch him all over and tell him how I really felt. I could feel my jeans grow just a little bit tighter as he tossed his shirt to the side. I felt lucky to be covered up by so many blankets.

I pretended to be asleep for just a little while longer. True, I really really wanted to watch him get all the way undressed, but I would feel like I was violating his privacy. I didn’t want that. If I were to watch him do something like that, I’m sure I would enjoy it more if he knew I was watching and didn’t mind. How nice that would be. But it was probably never ever going to happen, so I did my best to push it from my scope of imagination.

Hinata has a girlfriend. Her name is Chiaki. She’s a really sweet girl, and very pretty too. I don’t think they’ve had sex or anything like that, but I can tell that she and Hinata love each other a lot. They seem so happy when they’re together whenever I see them, like they were a match made in heaven. Nanami is just another person in his life that I will never be. I always feel glad for them in spite of myself. After all, seeing Hinata happy makes me happy.  

I think.

True, it hurts my soul to think that his heart belongs to someone else, but even then I will support him and stay by his side. What else could I do? Confess?

Absolutely not. The outcome would be catastrophic.

In my pretending to be asleep, I hadn’t even noticed him come up to me. I could feel him shake my resting body lightly with his hand. It startled me a little. His voice was so loud, yet he was speaking so quietly. 

“Hey,” he said. “You awake?”

I opened my eyes. His face was directly above mine, with a concerned expression. He was clad in a baggy sweater and jeans.

“Can you hear me?”   

I tried to say something, but all that came out was a low groan. My head hurt like crazy. I finally let out a strained “Good morning,” not bothering to smile.

Hinata sat on the bed next to me. “You feeling ok?”

“Not really...ah--ow.”

“Hm?”

“My head kinda hurts.”

He got up from the bedside. “I think we have some ibuprofen in the medicine cabinet. I’ll go get it.”

“Um...thank you.”

And he walked out of the room. God, he was attractive. What I wouldn’t have given to see him with all of his clothes off.

Then it occurred to me that I had little to no idea of what happened the night before. I couldn’t even remember why I couldn’t remember. Even after taking inventory, all I could recall was going to a party at Sonia’s, talking to Naegi after losing Hinata, and, well...everything was kind of blurry beyond that. I could vaguely picture stumbling along a sidewalk, the monorail...that was about it. I shuddered. It’s scary, not being able to remember. You know something happened, but you don’t know what it was.

Hinata came back with a glass of water and a white bottle of painkillers. I eagerly sat up in bed and took them from his hands. I decided to take two, knowing that any more might make me sicker. I tried not to think about how I knew the number of how many I wasn't supposed to take. I shook the bottle to get the second pill out, but I must have shaken it too hard since several capsules fell into my palm. My breathing hitched.

3 more, 4 more, 5 more, 6 more, 7 more, come on Nagito, what’s 7 more? Don’t you want to just let go? The more you take the more the pain will go away. Everybody knows that.

No. Stop. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up shut up.

I threw the unneeded medicine back in the container and firmly screwing the cap back on before my mind could be further protruded by such thoughts. I wished my brain would just leave me alone every once in awhile. I handed the medicine bottle back to Hinata, trying not to look at it.         

“Um,” said Hinata nervously. “I don’t want to make this sound weird, but do you remember anything that happened last night?”

Aha. So it wasn’t just me.

“Vaguely,” I replied awkwardly, clutching my glass of water. “Just to be clear, the two of us went to a party at Sonia’s house, right? And we met Kuzuryuu-kun and Pekoyama-san there?”

“That’s right.”

I set my glass of water down on his desk. “I remember you leaving with Souda-kun to go do something, I’ve forgotten what.”

“Go on.”

“I talked to Naegi-kun briefly. That was nice.”

“Anything else?”

“Not really. From there it’s kind of grainy.”

Hinata laughed a little. “I’m kind of concerned with how casually you’re taking this.”

Under any other circumstance, I probably would have found this funny. But I was tired and confused and more than a little rattled, so I stayed silent. I pulled my knees into my chest and rested my head on them. I didn’t especially like how he was joking about it so casually. To each his own coping mechanism, I suppose. “I didn’t think I was…” I said softly.

“Oh,” he said. “I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I replied. Now would be a good time to ask him. “Hey, Hinata-kun. Would you mind telling me what exactly happened? And why I can’t remember anything, or do you...?”

Hinata took a deep breath. “I don’t exactly know how to put this so that it’s not going to alarm you.”

“Tell me anyway.”

“....For starters, you were really drunk.”

My eyes widened at the sudden statement. “I beg your pardon?”

“Y-yeah….I found you throwing up in Sonia’s bathroom before bringing you here.” He wouldn’t look me in the eyes. Throwing up in the bathroom? Well, I did remember feeling quite sick.

“Wait, but...I don’t remember there being any alcohol at Sonia’s party,” I pointed out, hoping to glean an explanation. “And even if there was, I’m sure I would have just left, so why…?”

“Sonia actually didn’t know either,” said Hinata. “Remember the punch that she had laid out at the snack table? Somebody spiked it with liquor and then added some stuff to mask the flavor. We still don’t know who it was.”

After taking some time to breathe this all in, I reluctantly responded, “Continue.”

“So I got you out of there, and I didn’t know how to get to your house and you probably wouldn’t have been able to tell me, so I decided to just take you home. So we got here, and you went to sleep. That’s pretty much it.”

Under the circumstances, I had better just ask. “Did I um...ah, well, I mean...did I d-do anything weird? You know, since I was…”

Hinata hesitated. “No, not particularly. I mean, you were throwing up a lot, but that’s about all of it.”

That irked me. “Oh…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” I said nervously. “I must have caused so much trouble for you.”

“Hey, don’t say that. It’s not your fault.”

I stayed silent. I wasn’t really in much of a mood to talk. Hinata pressed the back of his hand against my forehead, making my stomach erupt with butterflies. I tried to pull away, but couldn’t. “Are you hungry?” he asked.

“Um. A little.”

“I’ll go make you something. Sit tight.” He turned to leave, but turned back. “Oh, and my dad wants to talk to you once you’re all the way awake, if it’s not too much.”

“That’s fine,” I said softly. Then Hinata nodded, and left. Then I remembered something important. I shifted my body to reach into my back pocket. My phone was still there. When I pressed the button to turn it on, the lockscreen opened. I had had it on all night and all of yesterday. The battery was almost out. The time read 11:30 am. I had slept for quite a while. I had to get a hold of her quickly.

I swiped the screen. Not to my surprise, no new messages. Not a single regard or question as to why I had been gone so long. What could I expect from her, anyway? She might not even be home yet.

 

Messages

Compose

 

K: I’m sorry I didn’t come home last night. I’ll explain once I return today.

K: Hello?

K: Are you home?

K: I’m sorry if I worried you.

 

I felt stupid about that last one. She wasn’t worried. Nor did she care. I was just wasting my time. I crammed my phone back in my pocket, letting it quietly die, and lay my head back down. My headache was still killing me. Those painkillers hadn’t kicked in yet. Was this what it felt like being hungover? My only information on the matter came from movies. If this was it, I made a quiet little vow to never drink again for as long as I lived. I could hear Hinata in the other room, the clicking noise of him heating up the stove. I felt bad that he was doing all of this for me. I had been such a nuisance this past night and here he was making me breakfast in bed. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how anyone could be so caring, so kind to someone causing so much grief. I didn’t even deserve to be in his presence. I didn’t even deserve to touch him, yet he had carried me home last night. Just thinking about it sent shivers down my spine.

Hinata was pure. I didn’t want him to get dirty touching someone as disgustingly filthy as me. I always made a point of never directly touching his skin, and it was hard not to. I’m tempted all the time to just grab hold of him and never let go, I want to feel his contact, romantically. But I can’t. Someone as unclean as me shouldn’t go around soiling the flesh of angels. I am untouchable.

I am trash.

I am disposable.

That is all I have ever been to anyone.

A little while later, the door swung open again. Hinata was carefully balancing a tv tray on one knee with his free hand on the door handle. He lurched forward, unintentionally I’m assuming, almost spilling everything and cursing loudly. It made feel a little better little in spite of myself.

“Sorry, I forgot to ask if you’re ok with eggs,” he muttered once he had everything balanced again. “Omelets are the only breakfast food I know how to make.”

I sat back up. “It’s fine. I like eggs. Thanks so much.” I was eager to eat. I actually still felt a little sick, but maybe I would feel better after I got some food in my system. I did my best not to wolf it down.

“How are you feeling now?”

“Kind of like I just drank five glasses of pork-fat milkshakes, but other than that relatively well. My head’s starting to feel a bit better.”

“Oh, good…” Hinata sighed. “I was a little worried about you.”

“Why? It’s not like I got alcohol poisoning.”

“I know, I just...I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before.”

“Hinata-kun the party animal.” I mocked.

“Be quiet and eat,” he said curtly.

As I woke up more, I could feel the atmosphere grow lighter and less awkward. We just talked like we normally do. I asked Hinata about his little conquest for Souda-kun and Neve--I mean Sonia-san. He just groaned and told me it never went into full effect on account of Souda was being a...well, I won’t repeat it. I don’t like swearing. I told him about talking with Naegi. That made him happy I think, to hear that Naegi and I were getting along. Although, he was a little embarrassed when I told him I knew about his little concussion episode. His friendship with Naegi means the world to him, I can just tell. I left out the part where Naegi accidentally let slip something about Izuru. I didn’t want Naegi to be in trouble for something he didn’t mean to do. Though I would be lying if I were to admit I wasn’t a little worried. What if something bad had happened between him and Hinata?

Hinata’s father came in midway through our conversation. Hinata has a very nice dad, with a good sense of humor, too. He bombarded me with questions about the party and what had happened.

“So you didn’t know that there was alcohol there either?”

“No sir. I don’t think the hostess knew either. I was just hanging around and started to feel a bit strange.”

“And you two came straight home afterward.”

“Yes. I think Hina---er, Hajime had to carry me most of the way. I can’t really recall much.”

“And you were able to get a hold of your parents?”

“Yes. I told them I would be coming home sometime today.”

“Well, stay as long as you need to, Komaeda-kun. If you’re not feeling up to the trip home, don’t force yourself.”

“Ok. Thank you.”

Shortly after the friendly interrogation, I began to feel a little feverish. I decided to close my eyes for a while, even though I wanted to hang out with Hinata. Then again, I was starting to get the impression that I wasn’t very good company in my current state. He understood, and left me alone so I could rest. It didn’t feel like that long at all when I shut my eyes, but when I opened them again, I realized I had fallen asleep. The warmness of the blankets was just too weakening. I had no idea how long I had slept for, but my first sight was Hinata writing at his desk. He had his reading glasses on and was copying down text from a thick book. I’ve told him time and time again that he looks really good when he wears his glasses, but he never listens and just swats down my opinions with self deprecating remarks about his appearance. It’s such a pity too. He looks so handsome in them.

He glanced over at me and chuckled. “Hey there. How was the nap?”

I sat back up and rubbed my eyes. “Mmmm. How long was I out?”

Hinata checked the clock radio on his desk. “Well you fell asleep around noon-ish, and it’s almost 4:00 now, so…”

“I was asleep for that long…?”

He shrugged. “I don’t really blame you. You looked like hell this morning.”

I smirked. “Heeeey….were you watching me sleep?”

“Um, this is my room. I live here.”

“Answer the question.”

“...Maybe. For like, twenty seconds. I’m allowed to occasionally glance in your general direction,” he said, averting his eyes from me.

I held the back of my hand to my forehead in an overly dramatic fashion. “Ahn, Hinata-kun! Such bold actions, please don’t violate me! I don’t know if my body can handle it!”

Hinata’s face quickly became aglow with a deep hue of red. He started waving his hands in front of his face, his arms all the way outstretched towards me. “N-not like that!! I was just----I mean--”

I laughed at his reaction. Harder than I had expected to. Hinata was so cute when he was embarrassed or flustered. I could hardly stand it.

“What are you reading?” I inquired. “Is it for school?”

“Y-yes,” he said, still a little ruffled. “It’s a social studies textbook I picked up from the resource center in the computer lab.”

I rested my face on my palm. “Doing some last minute cramming?”

“Yeah. I still don’t know if I’m going to be ready in time. Nobody told me this was going to be so stressful.”

“What about high school entrance exams?”

“I suppose that’s true…”

“Do you have any particular doubts about anything? I bet I could help a little.”

“Says the guy who was dead drunk the night before.”

“I’m feeling better,” I said as defiantly as I could. It was true. My head still hurt a bit and I was a little dizzy, but my unintentional nap had rejuvenated me somewhat. “I can assist you if you need it.”

“I think I’m fine, but thanks.”

It was quiet after that. Hinata looked pretty focused on studying, so he didn’t notice me watching his face. He looked so serious whenever he was reading something. I wished I could just watch him like this forever. The way his eyes moved, when his lips would part when he didn’t get a particular question. Just being with him could be so calming. After a while though, it became obvious that he was getting distracted. He began playing with objects strewn about his desktop letting his eyes wander to different ends of the room, until finally all productive activity ceased. What little remained was light movements of his pencil in the margins of his paper. Finally, he set that down too, and sighed deeply.

“Hey, um...Komaeda,” he addressed.

“What is it?”  

“I think...I think I might have something of yours.”

“...Something of mine?”

On cue, he pulled open one of the drawers in his desk. After rummaging around for a bit (must have been his junk drawer), he pulled his hand out in a closed fist. He held it out in front of me and opened his hand up. Sitting in his palm was a white USB flash drive.

It was the flash drive I had lost back on Thursday.

“It had your initials on it, so I thought that maybe…”

Before he could finish, I snatched it out of his hands. I flipped it over. There were my initials, just the way I remembered writing them. I could hardly believe it. I had looked everywhere for this stupid flash drive, which had all my schoolwork on it, and had fairly convinced myself that I would never see it again. Yet here it was.

“How…” I said dumbly. “I mean, where did--”

“I found it in the computer lab,” he replied. “It was plugged into one of the computers. You must have forgotten it there.”

What? That was the first place I looked. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t care.

“I-I...Th-thank you...thank you so much!! I have all my school work on here and I never thought I would find it, and---”

Hinata laughed, albeit a little uneasily. “It’s no problem. I’m glad I could help.”

His tone was a little odd. It made me stop and fully analyze the situation. My enthusiasm dipped as I realized what this might mean.

I fidgeted with the flash drive in my hands. “Um...Hinata-kun.”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way if I’m wrong, but did you read anything that was on it?”

His smile faltered as well. I could tell I had struck a cord. He had read what was on the drive. It made sense too, since he had been so insistent on reading my writing, though I wasn't quite sure why. I could feel the air growing thick and dreary once more. It was a heavy feeling, that sudden, abrupt distrust. I didn’t really think that this kind of thing was something he would do. But Hinata wouldn’t look me in the eyes.

“Yeah,” he replied softly.

I flicked my eyes away from him. “I see.”

“Komaeda, it’s not---” he cut himself off. “I mean, it was only one page.”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to.

Hinata gulped. “Are you mad at me?”

“Mildly.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

I looked back at him briefly. He was staring at the floor, his face riddled with guilt. I knew that I shouldn’t feel like the one at fault. But for some reason, I did. I lay my head back down on my pillow, clutching the flash drive. “It just seems like something out of character for you to do,” I said. “I’m a little surprised.”

“...I guess it just boiled down to impatience.”

“Hm?”

Hinata shifted in his chair. “Everyone says that you’re such a good writer. It always bothered me that you were never willing to share your work. I’m just an average writer with an average writing style and I always have been, and I wanted to read something from someone who was actually good at it. You especially.”

“Why me?” I asked. “Why not Tanaka or Mioda? They’re both good writers.”

“Because...well, it’s because I’m curious about you, to put it plainly.”

Curious? About me?

“Komaeda,” he continued, “I’m just now getting to know you again. I love hanging out and talking with you, and I think you’re one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. But I always feel like I know nothing about you. I thought that maybe if I got in touch with that artistic side of you, I...could get to know you a little better.”

I shifted my head to look at him. “That’s it?”

“That’s pretty much it.”

I paused. “Which one did you read?”

“The one where we write about our morning routine from something besides first person.”

I immediately groaned. “You could have picked any document on that flash drive, and you had to pick the worst one.”

Hinata looked at me dumbfoundedly. “The worst---what!?”

“I hate that one. I made it too short and the imagery is much too flowery. It’s just a tree reduced to scrap paper.” I made eye contact with him again. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Hinata was staring at me with his mouth hanging open. “You’re unbelievable.”

“What? What did I do?”

He shook his head. “Ugh. These damn talented people.”

It was quiet again. I didn’t like it when it was quiet. It made me feel like I had done or said something wrong. I didn’t really know how to feel.

“There’s a reason I never let you read my writing,” I said weakly.

“What?”

I turned on my side so I could see him better. “Do you remember when I told you that you needed to be patient if you wanted to read what I wrote?”

He tilted his head.

“I never told you, but the truth is that I really wanted you to read it right then and there.”

“Then why did you say I couldn’t?” Hinata inquired.

“I didn’t feel like anything I had was good enough,” I answered. “Forgive me if this sounds dumb, but I really admire you, Hinata-kun. To the point that...sometimes I feel so small. So whenever I’m with you, I feel like I have to constantly be impressing you.”

“So every time you ask me if you can read what I wrote, I have to fully evaluate myself and my writing. If it’s not good enough, I can’t let anyone read it, you especially. And if I’m too eager, you’ll think I’m kissing up to you or that I’m annoying or something like that. My original plan was to wait until I had written something perfect. Free of errors, mistakes, unsureness...you know, one of the rare times that you feel like you have something good. I wanted you to read my very best work only. That’s...that’s how highly I think of you.”

Hinata stared at me, like he couldn’t fully grasp what I was saying. Perhaps I had said too much and made things weird. “Y-you admire me?” he said.

“....Was that a stupid thing to say?”

He looked to his side, lightly resting his head on his shoulder. “It was pretty.”

“Beg pardon?”

“Your writing piece. I thought it was really well written.”

His praise. He was praising me. Me.

“Th-thank you…”

“Why do you admire me?” He asked musingly, looking at me again. “I’m not someone to be admired. I’m nothing special at all.”

I felt my face grow hot. His eyes, so serene and beautiful at this moment, bore holes in my skull. His face was almost within arms reach, to the point of which I could hold it in my hands if I stretched my arms far enough. I almost told him right then, you are so special, you are the most special person I have ever known. I want to be with you more than anything else in the world. Everything you are is so beautiful to me. Please just let me hold you in my arms and touch you, kiss you, tell you that I love you. Because I do, and it crushes me. I don’t ever want to be alone again. Please don’t leave me. Please tell me you feel the same way.

I didn’t say this, of course. Instead I just said, “I don’t know. I just do.”

Hinata sighed. “Whatever. You’re nuts.” He turned back to his book. “But I apologize again. Going through your things was...pretty selfish of me. I promise never to look at your writing again without your consent.”

“I accept your apology, Hinata-kun.”

“Thanks.”

He went back to reading. I suddenly remembered what I had wanted to ask him. It would prove as a nice opportunity to change the subject.

“Hey.”

“What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you’ve gotten to talk to Izuru-kun at all recently.”

I know, I know, it was a bit bold. But one can’t not be at least tiny bit curious when your friend’s friend accidentally tells you part of something they shouldn’t have the night before. Especially when it involves something that “happened” with someone you were previously acquainted with. I thought I came across as seemingly innocent enough, acting like I simply wanted to know how he was doing.

“Mmhmm. We talked a few days ago,” he said cheerfully. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh, no reason,” I responded in a plastic voice. “Just curious.”

“You seem ‘just curious’ about him a lot.”

“I haven’t seen him since we were kids. Of course I’m curious,” I defended.

“Whatever you say,” he said. “He’s actually been talking with my mom about coming over and visiting some time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Maybe you’ll get to see him again. Fair warning, his hair’s gotten pretty long.”

I arched my eyebrows. “Like how long?”

“Like, past his knees.”

I laughed. “Wow.”

“It’s pretty incredible,” he remarked. “It’ll be good to talk to him in person, especially--” Hinata froze suddenly.

“Especially what?”

“It’s nothing. Nevermind.”

I brushed off the sudden dismissal. “Has Naegi-kun met your brother yet? Or Nanami?”

“Makoto’s met him once or twice. Nanami still hasn’t.”

“Well, why not just make it that much more official?” I jested. “First step to integrating your girlfriend into the family! Everyone knows that.”

I expected Hinata to laugh at this, but he didn’t. Instead, he just stopped smiling. His face changed rapidly into a dark, despondent expression. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He buried his face in his hands sliding his fingers under his glasses, covering his eyes with them. They stayed under for a moment or two, and then he brought them back up. “Actually, I don’t think it’s going to happen like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Komaeda,” he said wistfully. “I wasn’t planning on telling you this before I made it official, but I’m breaking up with Nanami once midterm exams are over.”

My heart leapt into my throat shortly after processing this. “You are?”

“Yup.”

This didn’t make any sense. None at all. Whenever I saw them they seemed so happy. So…?

“But why?” I asked. “You two seem so close. I-I mean, I’m not trying to convince you you shouldn’t, but...it doesn’t make sense to me. Why would you want to break up with her?”

Hinata continued to stare blankly at the wall. “I guess I’ve just changed a lot. So much to the point that I can’t feel the same way about her that I used to,” he said. “Being at Sonia’s party just made me realize it even more.”

“How so?”

He took a deep breath. “Nanami kissed me last night. Nothing serious or anything, just a kiss on the cheek. And after that, she…” Hinata shivered. “She told me she loved me.” His expression grew more somber by the second. “And I wasn’t able to tell her I didn’t love her that way anymore. I’m so worried that I’ll hurt her feelings and make her sad, or even worse she might hold it against me, but...I know deep down that with each passing day that I don’t tell her, I’m just becoming more and more of a villain. She loves me so much, and I just go along with it even though I don’t love her back.” His voice began to shake a little. “I’m just some stupid, self centered prick who doesn’t do the right thing because he’s too obsessed with his own stupid ego. I don’t deserve...I don’t deserve to have someone love me like that.”

 

My love is so incredibly kind.

He cares so much about his friends. Their feelings are always first in his thoughts in any circumstance despite his fears and doubts. His relationships and the well being of those he cares about mean the so much to him. You’re not a villain.

But I didn’t know what to say to him.

“You’re sure you don’t love her anymore?” I asked.

“I’m fairly sure. Yes. I mean, not in the romantic sense. I still...y’know, love her as my friend, platonically, but nothing really beyond that.”

“I think that’s a legitimate enough of a reason. It’s not fair to Nanami if the relationship is one sided.”

“I know.”   

Hinata’s expression remained unchanged. Still somber and filled with regret.

“Hey, Hinata-kun.”

“Yeah?”

“Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“What do you mean? I’m not being hard on myself. I’m just being truthful.”

I sighed. “Don’t give me that. You always put yourself down for everything, and you have absolutely no growth mindset. If you don’t love Nanami anymore, I absolutely think you should end the relationship, but I don’t want you to make yourself out to be a horrible person.”

“Ko, you don’t understand, I--”

“What don’t I understand? Do you have any idea how painful it is to just watch someone go out of their way to insult themselves because they think it merits as feasible punishment? You’re not a person who should be doing that. Your problem is is that you don’t think you can change, so you just insult yourself thinking that you’ll get used to what you think you’ve become. You know that’s not good.”

“But…” he persisted. “But what I did to Nanami…”

I smiled at him reassuringly. “You’re a good person, Hinata-kun. I trust you when you say you’re going to be true to your word and break up with her. I’m sure Nanami will understand.”

Hinata fell silent. It was like you could hear the taut strings wound around his head being slowly severed.

“All you have to do to not feel like a villain is to break things off, right? That’s all you have to do, and the curse is lifted,” I said. “If I get anything through to you with this...I want it to be that you’re not a bad person.”

He looked at me again, his expression a split between surprise and thoughtfulness, and maybe even a hint of enlightenment. It tied my insides up in a tight knot. At first he didn’t say anything at all. Just:

“I hope you’re right.”

I grip the edge of the desk, the closest I will be able to come to holding his hand. I hoped that he would get a little comfort from it, I’m not so sure why. “I’m absolutely right.”

Hinata smiled again. True, he was cute when he was sad, but he was much cuter when he was happy. His eyes were a little watery, and he wiped them on his sleeve.

“Th-thank you…” he half-whimpered. “Thanks, Komaeda.”

“It’s no problem---ow!”

“Huh? What’s wrong?”

“My head is starting to hurt again.”

“Ah, I’ll go get the pain medication.”

No. No. Nononono, Hinata don’t, I don’t want to see the pills again, I don’t want to have that feeling again, please don’t, I don’t want to take any more.

I bolted upright. “N-no!”

Hinata gave me an odd look.

“I-I mean…” how was I going to salvage this? “...I-it’s not so bad. This one will probably go away on it’s own.”

“Are you sure?” Hinata asked.

“Yes, positive! It’s already not quite as sharp as the initial first jolt. I’m fine!”

“....Ok, if you say so.”

“A-and I should probably be going home soon anyway. My parents are probably pretty worried about me.” Ah, how nice that would be.

“You’re up to going home? If you need to stay longer, you can. You shouldn’t leave if you’re not feeling up to it.”

I chuckled. “Thank you, but I feel a lot better now. My head hurts a little, but my stomach isn’t giving me any more trouble.” I slowly steadied myself out of bed and grabbed my shoes which were lying nearby. The dizzyness wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been that morning.

Hinata stood up from his chair. “W-well, at least let me walk you to the train stop.”

“You don’t have to, but if it makes you feel any better to, then by all means.”

 

--

 

Shortly after deciding to leave, I bid farewell to Hinata’s father (who in turn asked if I was sure that I was alright). Once I got outside, I was surprised at how bright it was. It was even overcast and I felt blinded. Hinata ran back inside and grabbed me a pair of sunglasses, which I immediately objected to as I absolutely hate the way I look in sunglasses. But my eyes were starting to burn and Hinata was being so generous, so I was hardly in a position to refuse them. Begrudgingly, I wore the ugly sunglasses.

The train stop that runs to my house is right next to the high school. This was how Hinata walked to school every morning. He pointed out Naegi’s apartment building. I knew that this little ritual belonged to him and Naegi, which I was able to respect. But this was nice, being able to share just a sliver of it with him, just this once. I had my hands placed firmly in my pockets to avoid his brushing against mine. I might not be able to control myself. We talked the entire way to the train stop, but all I had to say was based on what I speculated from certain contexts. When Hinata spoke, I couldn’t really hear him. All I saw was his beautiful face, smiling and cheerful as it should be. Whenever I was with him in genuine moments of joy, I was so happy.

It was hard to believe that he was breaking up with Nanami.

I know this makes me sound pretty horrible, but I couldn’t help but feel a tiny flutter of hope rise in my chest as he told me. It was foolish, really, like something a jealous barely-teenager would feel. I recognized it as such right away. What am I saying? I thought. This doesn’t make things any different. Even if Nanami is out of the picture, it doesn’t mean that my feelings are going to reach him. Eventually he’ll just be snatched away by another girl, who will give him everything that I cannot. Perhaps it is better off that way. If it doesn’t happen, I might just be driven to confess.

I can never let that happen. There is very very little guarantee that Hinata will feel the same way. And even if there is the smallest chance that he does not, I will suppress my emotions to the best of my ability. I will never, ever let everything I have worked so hard for, put on my fake plaster faces for, get dashed to pieces by my silly infatuation. I must never tell him how I feel. Our relationship will be reduced to ruin. Therefore, if it means I can continue to be with him, I will endure it. I will endure it all for him.

I will hide my feelings for him forever.

Ultimately, it’s my only option at this point.

 

--

 

Hinata and I watch the train come into the boarding port. The bell and the electric whirr of the machinery were so soothing, so familiar. He turned to me.

“You ok from here on out?”

I smiled broadly. “Yes, I’ll be just fine. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“Don’t mention it. Uh...maybe apologize to your parents on my behalf.”

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for, but ok. I will.”

 

Silly, silly Hinata-kun. As if my parents are waiting for me.

 

“Think you’ll be at school tomorrow?”

“Of course I will. It’s midterms week.”

The train came to a steady halt, and the doors opened, beckoning me to enter. “Well, I need to go now. Thank you again.”

“You’re welcome.”

I hastily stepped on the train and gave him a parting wave from inside the train. He waved back. He matched the atmosphere so well, like his warm aura melted away at the cold air. As the train began to inch forward, I pressed my forehead against the glass of the window, my breath fogging the transparent sheet that separated my voice from his scope of hearing.

 

“I love you,” I whisper.

 

--

 

(Naegi pov)

 

I saw them. I saw Nanami kiss Hajime at Sonia’s party.

That just made things all the more unbearable. Hajime is my best friend, and I want to be able to support him. And in turn, I want him to trust me. But I watched him as he let a girl he doesn’t love anymore kiss him, not doing anything to stop her. Nanami still thinks that he loves her.

And what I’m considering doing might break the trust that I have with him. But I can’t just stand by and watch my friend lie to someone anymore.

Man, I’m going to regret this later.

Maybe I’ll get hit by a semi-truck or something as penance. At least we’d be even.

 

Contacts

Chiaki Nanami

Compose

 

M: Hey.

C: Hey naegi-kun, what’s up

M: I need to tell you something

C: What is it?

M: It’s about Hajime.

C:

C:

C: What

M: I can’t stress this enough

M: Please I am begging you, whatever you do, don’t tell him that I told you this.

M: But it’s important

C:

C: I’m listening.

 

Notes:

Shorter chapter today. It sort of dawned on me recently that I should probably be a decent human being for once and thank all of the lovely lovely people who left kudos and went out of their way to post comments. I don't usually respond to comments personally, but I assure you it is not because I am ignoring you (it's really more due to my overall awkwardness). I read (and re-read) all of my comments, and your words give me so much energy. So, with a ridiculous amount of gratitude, thank you so much for supporting this silly little fic. I'm sure you know who you are.

Chapter 5: Exam Time and Truth

Notes:

Did everybody have a happy Halloween? :D Hope you had lots of fun (I pretty much just stayed home, baked a cake and watched American Horror Story).
Longer chapter today.
(also, if you want a visual of what Moritaka looks like, I wanted him to look like one of Kuzuryuu's (or is it Nidai's?) beta designs. http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130709101946/danganronpa/images/5/56/Prototype_nidai.jpg)
Enjoy!

(Komaeda pov)

 

He read that one, huh?

So does that mean he already knows?

I ran into Sonia outside of the school.

It was Monday, two days until midterm exams. We had run out of breakfast food at my house and I had forgotten to go grocery shopping, so I had gotten up early to catch the morning train in hopes that I might be able to hit up a coffee shop near the school and get a pastry or somesuch. When I left the coffee shop, I realized I had arrived quite earlier than I thought, as school didn’t start for another 45 minutes. It was cold and I was starving, so I sat down on a bench near the school steps and ate my cheese danish. I had gotten hot chocolate instead of coffee, as it is my personal belief that coffee is the 5th most disgusting substance in the known universe. It warmed me to the bone in the chilly atmosphere. My headache from the day before had vanished. I managed to mostly sleep off my fatigue, but some of it still lingered. Nevertheless, I attended school undeterred. You know how high school is: miss one day and you’re completely thrown off your game.

As I ate, I heard the distant clicking of high heeled shoes. I figured it was just another early riser aimlessly wandering on campus killing time before others showed up, like me. Gradually, the dull noise got louder, so loud to the point it became obvious this person was approaching me. I lifted my head to see who it was. My curiosity was met with Sonia, her pretty face producing a downcast smile. She was wearing a black hoodie over her usual dark green uniform with the hood up.

“Ah!” I jumped, startled. I bowed my head a little. “G-good morning, Sonia-san!”

“Good morning, Komaeda-san.” She bowed her head a little too. She gestured toward the empty spot on the bench beside me. “May I sit?”

“Oh, um...of course.”

She sat down next to me, straightening her skirt as she did so. What on earth could she want with me? I felt unbearably awkward for some reason. Not knowing what else to do (whilst simultaneously feeling bad that I was eating in front of her), I tore off a small piece of my pastry.

“W-would you like some?” I asked.

Sonia gave me another forced smile. “I’m fine, thank you.”

I started internally panicking. What in the world am I supposed to say? She’s the one who sat down, so why isn’t she saying anything!?

“So,” she addressed. “Are you feeling any better today?”

“Excuse me?”

“No need to beat around the matter,” she replied somberly. “I called Hinata-san that night after the party to apologize for what happened, and he told me that he was caring for you because you had drank that punch I had prepared.”

Ah. So that’s what this was about. “Oh, that...it wasn’t too big of a deal. I mean it’s not like--”

“It is a big deal!” Sonia retorted. “It...it’s all my fault. It’s my fault that you got drunk, it’s my fault that you got sick, and it’s my fault for throwing that stupid party!” Her voice gave. “I...I just wanted to say that I’m really, really sorry.”

I was surprised with her sudden eruption. I had never seen her snap at anyone like that. “Sonia-san…?”

Her eyes began to tear up, and she wiped the moisture onto the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She inhaled deeply, then let it out. “I never meant for that party to be so big. The truth of the matter is, I had only planned on having the guests being comprised of people in our class. Well, perhaps I invited a couple of people from outside of our class. Fujisaki and Maizono-san, actually, since they have mutual friends in this class and I didn’t think much of it. That turned out to be a mistake.

“Fujisaki-chan is much too reserved to tell anyone else, I think, but Maizono-san is quite social. She must have told her friends that I was throwing a social event not thinking that they would act on it. But, well, eventually word began to circulate about, and most of the attendance just invited themselves.” She sighed. “That’s why the turnout was as incredible as it was.”

“They just invited themselves?” I asked in disbelief. I had heard her say it at the party, but I didn’t think she was being serious.

“There’s no other explanation.” Sonia leaned forward and rested her head on her palms. She sighed again. “Two months.”

“Hm?”

“I’m grounded for two months,” she said bitterly. “Gundham and a few others stayed to help clean up, but we weren’t able to get done by the time my parents came home the next day. They would have seen the broken television set anyway, so I’m afraid it was a lost cause.”

“Sonia…”

Sonia sat back up in an attempt to regain her composure. “But that is besides the point. I wanted to apologize for the grief that I caused you from that party.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said calmly. “Don’t apologize.”

Sonia looked at me, surprised. “W-what!? Of course it’s my fault! I was the one who threw that party, and it was reason everyone got sick, and--”

“I would say that it was your fault if you were the one who laced the drinks. But you weren’t. It was that person’s fault, not yours.”

Sonia started tearing up again. “I...might know the person who did it.”

“What? Really? Who was it?”

“I’m not entirely certain, but I think it was Enoshima.”

I almost doubled back. “Enoshima!? Junko Enoshima!?”

“That’s the one.”

“Wh-but...but what are you going to do?”

“What can I do!?” Sonia burst, probably louder than she needed to. “I have no way to prove it was her! All I could do was gather testimonies and speculate myself!”

I didn’t like Enoshima. It was nothing personal, I just hated the aura that she gave off. Just being around her terrified me. I honestly wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was her.

Sonia and I sat in silence for a second, recovering from her outburst.

“I just…” she sniffed. “I just wanted everyone to get to know each other a little better.”

“I’m sorry?”

Another deep breath. “Everyone in our class-- I don’t know if you’ve noticed this --comes from different schools. My parents and I moved here from Novoselic just this spring, so I should know. All of them just stick to whoever they know and keep a good distance from who they don’t. I can’t stand seeing our class have that kind of atmosphere. I wanted everyone to be friends with everyone, so they feel like they always have someone they can turn to. You especially, Komaeda-san.”

“...Me?”

“You transferred in near the beginning of the year, and I’m guessing from a school out of district because nobody knew you. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you’re so shy too, and I never really saw you talk to any else unless it was about school. Even Tsumiki-san had a friend or two of some sort, albeit not realizing it, but seeing you that way made me realize that we needed to get to know each other a little better.”

I was quite flattered at this statement. Sonia was so nice to everyone, even to someone like me. That someone cared about me being accepted into the group as a whole made me feel so good. But I didn’t show it.

“W-well that’s not entirely true,” I laughed nervously. “I’m friends with Hinata-kun, and I’m sort of friends with Nanami-san, and I’m getting to know Kuzuryuu-kun and Pekoyama-san a little. These things just take time.”    

“Even so. It's not good if you can count all of your friends on one hand. I just thought that having a small get together would be an excellent opportunity to get to know each other a little better. I thought that...maybe we could all be friends. But I guess it just didn’t work out that way.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. I had no idea that Sonia cared so much about everyone in class. It was moving. So I just said the first thing that came into my head.

“Then let’s try it again sometime.”

“What?”

I relaxed my posture a little. “We can try again. We’ll throw another party. We’ll coordinate with the whole class this time. That way there won’t be any misunderstandings and everyone can pitch ideas. It won’t be anything big, just our class. We’ll get it right this time.” I tried my hand at a reassuring grin. “There’s nothing for you to feel bad about anymore. Nobody’s mad at you.”

Sonia grinned back and wiped her eyes one last time. “Alright. Thank you, Komaeda-san.”

 

We talked to each other until the bell rang. I couldn’t have hoped for a better outcome.

 

--

 

(Hinata pov)

 

Today is Wednesday. First day of midterm exams. It’s also the first day of our school’s winter uniform change.

Woop woop. 

I stared at myself grimly in the full length mirror. I had dressed myself in a longsleeved dress shirt issued to me by the school board as a uniform base (my school is pretty damn liberal when it comes to the uniform policy), my usual green tie, and a dark blue sweater vest. I looked like a casting reject from The Breakfast Club. At least I wasn’t wearing my glasses.

I grabbed my bag and ran to the apartment complex to meet Makoto.

All things considered, I hadn’t been having a very good week so far. I was still mentally exhausted from the whole ordeal that happened over the weekend. Plus I had my obligation toward Nanami hanging over my head (in the end I had resolved to go with plan A and wait until after midterms), and I just had tests tests tests for the next three days. But on the plus side, Komaeda had come back to school as his usual self in high spirits, so I think it’s safe to say that he had a successful recovery. Sonia wasn’t doing so great emotionally, but I guess that was to be expected. Everyone offered their consolation. Nobody got mad at her.

The time I spent with Komaeda over the weekend was still bothering me. I was glad that it had happened and loved having the opportunity to grow a little closer to him. I was even able to get some of the pent up stress that I had been harboring for weeks off my chest, and he was super understanding about it.

So why, since that time we spent, had I started getting faintly nervous when I was around him?

Was I still guilty about stealing his flash drive? No, I didn’t think that was it. It was something a little bit more profound than that. I hate it when I can’t figure myself out. It makes me feel like I’ve gotten away with lying to myself somehow. I didn’t really have much of a reason to be nervous, so why was I?

Maybe it was just curiosity. He knew that I had read his writing prompt, but I never asked him about the aunt he had mentioned. Or the fact that he had neglected to mention anything about his parents. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want it to seem like I was prying any more than I already had. But the truth was, I still had a lot of questions for him.

Anyway, that was my week so far. Now on to the grueling tradition of sapping out our enthusiasm towards education and government funded learning through stress, grades, judgement, and hours of menial labor whilst chained to our desks.

It’s exam time, everybody.

 

--

 

Day 1 of exams.

 

The late bell had long let out it’s signal for those still lingering in the hallways, but everyone had shown up to class besides Komaeda. He wasn’t usually late, though he wasn’t especially punctual either, so I didn’t think much of it. Our homeroom teacher was already passing out our tests when he stumbled in through the door.

Our teacher looked up to see who it was. “And there he is,” she said, walking back to the attendance board. “Do you have a late pass, Komaeda-kun? If you don’t, I’m going to have to mark you tardy.”

“No, I don’t,” he said apologetically, bowing slightly. “I’m sorry, Usami-sensei. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Our teacher looked at him strangely. “Turn your head,” she instructed.

Komaeda did, and I soon saw the reason why she had had asked him to do so. There was a giant, purple bruise scarring his left cheek. It had swollen up quite a bit. You couldn’t have not seen it.

“Are you alright?” our teacher asked, concerned. “What happened to your cheek?”

“Oh, this.” He just laughed. “I tripped coming up the stairs on my way here and I smacked my face against the railing. I’m such a spazz, really. I’m fine, though. It looks a lot worse than it is.”

“Are you sure? Would you like the nurse’s aid to take you to the office?”

Tsumiki perked up in her seat.

“No thank you. I was just there. That was the reason I was late actually, I went down to the nurse’s office to get a bag of ice. I’ll be just fine.”

“...Alright, if you say so. Take your seat and I’ll give you your test. I won’t mark you late.”

“Thank you.” He quickly took his seat and set down his bag. From where I was sitting, I had a good view of the injured side of his face. He looked like he had been sucker-punched with a pair of brass knuckles. My own face hurt just looking at it. He noticed me looking at him, and gave me a small wave, like he wasn’t in any pain at all. I waved back. Are you ok? I mouthed. He just shrugged and nodded his head.

I was relieved at the confirmation, but it made things a little hard to focus at first. I eventually shook it off and immersed myself in my test. If he had gone to get an ice pack, then where was it? There was probably an explanation, it probably wasn’t long and complicated, so I tried to ignore it.

I breezed through the social studies exam without much trouble. Good job, but there’s still hours upon hours of testing to go. I needed a change of atmosphere. I decided to wander around campus to clear my head a bit during our class’s half hour break. I found Komaeda wandering the hallways too, looking a bit apprehensive for some reason.

“Hey! Ko!” I called. He flinched and turned around.

“Oh, H-Hinata-kun. It’s only you.”

“Hey, are you ok? That bruise looks really painful.”

He chuckled and touched his fingers to it. “Yeah, I’m just fine. It stings a little bit, but I’m fine.” He looked to his side both ways while he was talking, not looking me in the eye for some reason. “Uh, listen, I would love to stay and hang out with you, but I told Pekoyama-san that I would help hang up posters for the fencing club. I have to go get them from the photocopy room.”

“Oh, uh. Ok. I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you later!” He ran off in the opposite direction. I was a little disappointed that he was leaving. Maybe I should have offered to help him. But he was gone, so I might as well start heading back to class. The moment I turned around, I immediately became aware of a pale girl with huge braids hunched over a large stack of books she was carrying. She stared at me with a very strange smile.

This was none other than Touko Fukawa the introverted library dweller. And at this moment she was grinning slightly and biting the nail on her thumb. I tilted my head at her. “Do you need something?”

Fukawa backed up a bit, still smiling, despite looking quite nervous. “N-n-n-no, n-nothing in p-particular,” she stammered. “I j-just never knew that you were such a p-player, Hinata.” She said the my name with a hint of loathing, like she was insinuating that I had done something wrong unbeknownst to myself.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

She giggled. “Oh d-don’t act like you don’t know! I’ve been w-watching the two of you in the library...I’ve seen how you l-look at each other. A-and to think you even have a girlfriend while subjecting yourself to such scandal…”

“I’m sorry, what? Scandal?”

“I’m sure you’ll find out s-soon enough!” She said excitedly. “Oh, th-this is going to be a perfect storm of a t-t-trainwreck!”

And with that, she whirled around and ran off, her long skirt billowing behind her. Maybe I’ve said this before, but that girl is weird. Not the interesting weird, the goosebumps whenever she opens her mouth kind of weird. Half the time, she probably doesn't even understand what she's saying herself. A player? What was that supposed to mean? I shook my head, trying to brush it off. I hadn’t even noticed that I had walked right into someone. Someone tall.

“Hey!” The person growled.

“Ah! I-I’m sorry!”

“Watch where you’re fucking going.”

The tall boy just pushed (pushed, more like shoved) me to the side and continued on his merry way. Rude.

The boy I had run into was Tadashi Moritaka. He had a very intimidating aura, given off by his long black hair that framed his sharp eyes, all complemented by huge leather jacket he wore as a part of his uniform. I only knew his name because Kuzuryuu told me that he used to be friends with him. He said that they grew apart pretty rapidly during junior high. I’m not surprised though. The guy’s kind of a dick. Thankfully he was in Matsuda and Otonashi’s class, so I didn’t have to put up with him.

I just kept heading back to class.

 

--

 

Day 2 of exams.

 

I’m halfway done. I can do this.

Today was our algebra exam and our science exam. I normally can’t math to save anyone's life, but I actually felt like I did fairly well. Science was a subject that interested me, so I didn’t have much trouble on that one either. I checked in with Souda and Kuzuryuu during breaks. Souda was really good with science and math, what with building machines as a hobby, so he wasn’t struggling at all. Kuzuryuu had neglected to study altogether and his discomfort with the tests became pretty evident pretty early on. I checked in with Nanami, too. She seemed to be doing about as well as I was.

Nanami had actually seemed pretty distracted all week. I was always having to repeat what I was saying to her because she wasn’t paying attention. I mean, she was looking at me, but she wasn’t all there, if that makes any sense. It had been like this since Monday. Maybe it was because of how I had burst into tears at Sonia’s party when she kissed me. I hadn’t even given her much of an explanation on the matter, so it seemed like a legitimate enough reason. Things became awkward pretty quickly.

One more day, I kept telling myself. One more day, and then it’s over.

 

--

 

Day 3 of exams.

 

Holy shit, I’m done.

I threw my pencil down on my desk as I sighed contently. I was finally done. No more studying, no more testing until the end of the semester, I was done.

I went over to the lectern to turn in my test. I didn’t even care how well I had done. I was just happy enough to be finished. I knew I was wearing a stupid, conceited smile as I turned it in, but I didn’t care. I was done, and I didn't have to think about exams for the next three months. Then I caught a glimpse of Nanami. She still wasn’t done with her test, but she was staring blankly out the window.

Pretty, funny, sweet Nanami. She was snuggled into her sweater like she would be a large blanket. Her pastel eyes reflected the sunlight coming in through the windows like pale pink mirrors. The very sight of her like this made me feel a little nostalgic. I would have to tell her today. No more stupid excuses, no more lies, I was going to tell her. And in the process, I might end up hurting her. I would just have to accept that.

My smile faded.

I waited impatiently for the bell to ring to dismiss us to go home. The hands on the classroom clock moved slower than usually. My fingers wouldn’t stop twitching. Possible ways that I could break the news to her rolled around my head like tumbleweeds. Hey, Nanami. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you this, but we need to break up because I think about kissing boys. Nanami, I’m really sorry, but I want to break up. I’m different now and us being in a relationship at this point is just hurting both of us. Hey Nanami. Guess what. You’ve been dating a gay guy. Surprise! Nanami, I’m gay. And we should probably break up. Because, you know. I’m not into girls anymore. I mean, not like that. No wait, that’s terrible, uh….

I tried to see if I could hold my hand still. It kept moving against my will.

Prepared as I’ll ever be.

When the bell finally rang and we were finally dismissed (and happy hugs and banter were exchanged by several comrades in celebrating completing exams), I hastily got up from my seat and approached Nanami at her desk. She was playing Year Walk on her phone, fixated on the screen. A waved my hand in front of her face. She looked up at me and smiled.

“Hey there.” She giggled.

I smiled back. “Hey. Playing Year Walk? That one’s spooky.”

“Yeah. That one ghost lady scared the life out of me.”

I rested my hand on the side of her desk, somewhat leaning over her. “Listen, I...I need to talk to you about something. It’s something important.”

Nanami locked her screen and looked back up at me. “What’s up?”

“...I’d like to discuss it in private.”

“...Ok. Where do you want to go?”

I thought for a moment. “I don’t know. How about the courtyard out front?”

“Sounds good.” She grabbed her pink kitty bag from off the back of her chair and slung it over her shoulder. “Let’s go.”

I crammed my hands in my pockets so she wouldn’t feel obligated to hold them. Both of us were silent as we walked down the linoleum hallways together, except of course the clicking that our shoes made on the tile. Personally, I thought it was a good sound for something ending. Like I was finally confronting my fears of telling Nanami who I was, slowly but willingly approaching the inevitable fate I knew had been coming.

No? Fine. But I tried.

Nanami still had that distant look about her. I wondered if she already understood the magnitude of what I was going to tell her. I could hear my own heartbeat thudding around my head. I might have to hurt you. I’m sorry. We’ll both be better off this way.

 

When we finally got to the courtyard, I suggested we go to the far end of the field under the large tree near the skating curb. There weren’t any skaters congregating around the area at the moment. Nanami and I would sometimes eat lunch there when we talked about things we didn’t want to share with anyone else. The two of us sat together in the shade, Nanami sitting on her knees and me cross-legged. She looked at me expectantly. I drew in a deep breath.

“I really don’t know how I should start this.” I began.

“Just say whatever you need to.”

It was then that I actually noticed just how unbelievably nervous I was. Just looking down at my hand, I could tell I was quaking. Don’t you dare, don’t you fucking dare. I thought. If you chicken out of this right now, I swear to god I am never going to forgive you. I was doing this, I was going to tell someone exactly what was on my mind for the first time in god knows how long, I was going to do the right thing. For the record, it’s a lot harder giving yourself a ten second pep talk than you might think. When the shaking wouldn’t stop, I started shaking again. Nanami didn’t say anything, but clearly sensed something was wrong. She put her hand on my shoulder in kind concern, making my heart race that much faster.

This is for the best, why am I so scared, why am I scared of what others will think why can’t I do this why can’t I open my mouth why are you so nice to me do I have to be like this why---

Komaeda’s words suddenly echoed in my head as I remembered what he had told me. You’re a good person, Hinata-kun. I trust you when you say you’re going to be true to your word and break up with her. I’m sure Nanami will understand.

That’s right. I just have to break things off and the curse is lifted, isn’t that what you said? I will stay true to my word. I can’t be scared. Not now. I gently pushed Nanami’s hand off my shoulder as I sat back up, breathing steadily to calm my nerves.

“You ok?” Nanami asked. I must have really been freaking her out.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said in a cracked tone, trying my best to put on a good I’m ok face. “I’m fine.”

Nanami smiled sweetly. “Whenever you’re ready.”

I pulled myself together, and mustered up all the bravery I could to open my mouth. The lines I had rehearsed over and over came out in a shaky monologue. “Nanami, you’re really pretty. Like, not the fake kind of pretty, but the real kind of pretty. You don’t need makeup to be attractive. You stay true to your passions and interests despite how others see them, and I think that’s amazing. You’re unbelievably kind, you’re able to make me laugh almost all the time, and I love being around you. You’re the most incredible girl I’ve ever met. So that’s why…”

Nanami’s cheeks were lightly dusted with a thin shade of pink. “...Yes?”

“That’s why I want to break up.”

It was hard for me to watch her face slowly contort in surprise.

 

“...........What?”

I turned my gaze away from her sad eyes. “....It’s not going to work out. I’m sorry.”

She wouldn’t look at me. She just sort of stared at her knees as what I had said sunk in. I could see water welling up in her eyes.

“Nanami, it’s not--”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she replied in a shaky voice. Crap. crap crap crap. I made her cry. I am making a girl cry. This is happening. “You’ve been acting kinda weird lately, so I was kind of expecting something like this, but--” she paused, stopping to wipe her eyes.

I was kind of panicking at this point, but I was still trying to comfort her. “Hey, hey, it’s fine! Th-these things happen! We’re just...we’re just not right for each other anymore.”

“How?” she asked, earnestly. “How are we not right? I thought things were going well. I mean, maybe you were acting a little weird for a while--”

“Debatable…”

“--But I just figured you were a little stressed. You even said you were having identity issues, so I just figured you needed a little time to sort things out. So why are you ending this so suddenly?”

This was painful. It was painful seeing her like this, painful going through with it, even the words that flowed out of me were painful. But I kept going.

“...Well, because that’s just it.”

“What do you mean?”

I took a long, deep breath, hunching my back forward. I might as well get comfortable. “I think it started about a month ago. I mean, I had been seeing signs before then, but didn’t really know what they were or how to respond to them. But it’s gotten to the point where self denial just isn’t enough anymore. Listen, I…” I awkwardly looked away from her. “When I told you I was trying to figure things out, I was lying. I knew exactly what was wrong with me, and keeping it from you only made things worse.”

“Then what’s wrong with you?”

“....I think I’m gay.”

I waited for Nanami’s eyes to widen, but her expression grew slightly softer somehow. "You think, or you are?"

"I am." I said in a confident voice. At least I thought it sounded confident.

“I…” I went on. “I don’t feel any sort of attraction towards girls, and I never really have besides you. I get way more nervous around guys than I do girls. And sometimes I think about kissing boys. So yeah...that’s it.”

I expected Nanami to take this a lot harder than she did. Instead of crying, she just looked at me, sympathy written all over her face. Stop looking at me like that. I lied to you. Don’t you hate me now?

She scooted towards me, leaned forward, and gently put my arms around me. She squeezed her face into the chest of my blazer. “And you’ve been hiding it this whole time?”

“Yeah…”

She squeezed me tighter. “That must have been hard.”

 

A gigantic storm of emotions struck me straight out of the blue. Why? Why are you being so nice? Why aren’t you yelling at me? You who I know loves me so much and knows that I don’t return your feelings? Who knows that I was feeding you lies? Why are you embracing me like this? Despite all of these questions and more, I slowly returned Nanami’s hug. I felt terrible, but simultaneously happy. Somehow.

“Nanami.”

“Hm?”

“I don’t understand.”

She kept hugging me. “What don’t you understand?”

“Aren’t you mad at me?”  

“No. Not really. I’m sad, though. Really sad.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok.” There was a hint of a slight smile in her voice. “I’ll get over it.” Nanami finally released me. “You shouldn’t apologize for accepting who you are. Things would have gotten pretty painful if you hadn’t come to terms with this.”

“But--”

“Stop it.” She gave me a light, playful slap on the face. It didn’t hurt. “Stop blaming yourself for everything. Don’t think I don’t know you do.”

I touched my fingers to the spot she had hit instinctively. She went on. “I’m just glad you weren’t breaking up with me for a stupid reason without thinking about how I felt. I know how hard you’ve tried to maintain this. But now I guess it’s coming to an end on account of something we don’t have much control over, and I’ll have to accept that. That’s really all there is to it.”

“....Really?”

She touched her palm to my cheek. Her eyes still had hints of tears. “I really like you, Hinata-kun. So I’m going to support you no matter what kind of decision you make. I don't even care if you decide to change your gender. I'm still going to stick with you on it.”

I was damn near close to crying again. The sense of closure was overwhelming.

I remember why I used to love you.

“Ok,” I said, with a low tone. “Thanks Nanami. Seriously, thank you.”

“No problem. I hope you find a good boyfriend.”

“And we can keep being friends, right?”

“Only if you stop using that damned katana whenever we play Halo.”

I laughed.

 

And so exam season came and went.

 

--

 

Komaeda showed up late again the day afterward. And the day after that. And the day after that. The day after that he wasn’t late, but he showed up to class with another bruise on his face. Most of the class showed quite a bit of concern. Not exactly for the injury itself, but more his reaction to it. Mioda was the first.

“Nagito-chaaan! Your face looks like the bad apple Ibuki found in her lunch yesterday! Are you ok??”

“I’m ok. I just fell down the stairs again.”

“Stairs again!? Ibuki’s fallen down the stairs before and all she got was embarrassed!”

“I’m just clumsy. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Did he really just fall down the stairs? That was the excuse that he gave last time he showed up to class with a broken face. And it didn’t explain why he was showing up to class later than usual. I considered asking him about it, but managed to convince myself that it was probably just something trivial that I was making out to be a huge deal. I worried about him a lot, for some reason. But he was just his usual upbeat self, so it didn’t get to me too much.

But other than that, life just went on like it usually did. Except of course I could breathe a little easier. Nanami and I still hung out and talked just as much as we had when we had been dating. We still laughed at each other’s jokes like we always have, and she scolded me about being a noob at her favorite games. I didn’t have to feel guilty for being around her anymore, which I was so grateful for. We were friends again, and somehow I felt like we had grown a little closer.

After school that day, I went to meet Makoto out front. He was waiting for me in his usual stance, leaning up against the concrete walls deep in thought about something. Upon breaking his line of vision, he trotted up to meet me. Talking to Makoto was easier now too. I wasn’t always afraid that he was going to bring up Nanami, he never scolded me about it. He actually seemed a little livelier ever since then. At least, in my eyes. It was like we were actually friends again. Man, nobody told me that coming out would feel this good.

Halfway to Makoto’s apartment building, during a lull in our conversation, he asked me. “Hey, Hajime. Is everything ok with Komaeda-kun?”

“Huh? Oh, uh...yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“I’m not sure.” He shifted to the side slightly. “I've just been noticing things.”

I tilted my head to the side. “Like what?”

“Well first of all, I saw him talking with Moritaka outside the school this morning.”

“Moritaka? Tadashi Moritaka?”

Makoto shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t know what it was about. Neither of them looked very happy. I’m not really sure why Komaeda would want to talk to him. The guy’s kind of an ass.”

My eyes narrowed in consideration. Were the two of them acquainted somehow? Moritaka seemed like the kind of person Komaeda would hate. He was always going on about how “kind people are the hope of every generation” and stuff like that, so why would he feel obligated to even associate with him?

“Oh, and another thing,” Makoto asserted. “I’ve been seeing him outside the guidance counselor’s office a lot lately.”

“The guidance counselor's office?”

“Yup. I see him there almost every day now. I mean, maybe I’m just paranoid. You don’t have to listen to me.”

“Mmm…”

I almost never went by the guidance counselor’s office since I wasn’t in any clubs after school, so I wouldn’t have known. As far as I knew, Ko wasn’t either. Then again, maybe he was just stuck in a rut with grades. Or maybe it had something to do with…’what he did.’ He probably didn’t remember saying it, but I did. The thing he did that was so bad that I would hate him if I ever found out. All things considered, I didn’t really want to know, despite my curiosity. If it would make me hate him, I would be better off not knowing. But then, what could he do that was so bad that I would hate him?

Our relationship was starting to get a little complicated.

The day afterward, I did notice Komaeda and Moritaka talking. I didn’t stick around for much of the conversation. But from a distance, I was pretty sure I could hear Moritaka yelling at him.

 

--

 

I spent the next morning tailing Komaeda. No, not necessarily stalking him. Just sort of discreetly following him until I could confirm nothing was wrong. Tailing. It all boils down to semantics. I couldn’t suppress my worry much longer. Komaeda had been showing up late to class with ugly bruises, and I was fairly sure he wasn’t just falling down flights of stairs. I wondered if him meeting with Moritaka had something to do with it.

I didn’t notice anything strange at first. He got off the train, adjusted his uniform, checked and saw if he had his homework, and started out for the school building. Upon walking up the steps, he promptly strolled through the doors. Ok then. Nothing’s wrong. Didn’t see Moritaka anywhere. Maybe it was just a one time thing. Nevertheless, I continued to follow Komaeda into the school building. It was a little hard to follow him, keeping in mind that he couldn’t notice me and I had to try not to lose him in the sea of fellow students. I wondered if I looked conspicuous at all following him like this. It was then that Moritaka came into my line of vision. He was walking down the hall in long strides, his bookbag slung over his shoulder. His eyes rested on Komaeda, who flinched at the sudden eye contact. He tried to act like he didn’t notice him, but Moritaka had already locked himself onto him. He immediately approached Komaeda and started talking to him. Komaeda tried to walk away, but Moritaka grabbed him by the arm. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I was pretty sure Moritaka was yelling. Then he forcefully pulled Komaeda towards the side door leading to the basketball courts and forced the door shut behind him.

I blinked. What in the world just happened?

Moritaka didn’t look very pleased at all. Komaeda had only looked scared. I knew what Komaeda looked like when he was scared, and now was definitely one of those times. I could see them talking to each other on the far side of the basketball courts. I decided to follow them a little further.

I stepped outside and crept toward the two of them as casually as possible. I had to sort of sidestep so that I could get within earshot of their conversation. I ended up leaning against a tree semi-distantly adjacent to where they were. I couldn’t see them, but I could hear them. I had come in mid-interaction, as much of what they were saying seemed way out of context. The first one I heard clearly was Moritaka.

“Are you kidding me?”

“M-Moritaka-kun, I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you.”

“I think you’ve had plenty of opportunities to ‘make it up to me!’ What the fuck have you been doing!? I told you to get those cheat sheets for me, and you show up with some goddamn notebook!”

“Th-they’re my notes from class...I thought that they would help you.”

I heard the sound of hands clapping. It made me jump. I knew it was probably something else.

“I asked for the test answers. Not some little pussy’s sorry excuse for a study guide! What the hell did you do, write this with your left hand? It’s fucking chicken scratch.”

“I-I’m sorry. I can type it up for you. Please, I don’t want to steal anything--”

The sound of something being slammed against a tree. When I ventured a glance, I saw that Moritaka had pushed Komaeda’s body against one of the nearby trees. I quickly withdrew, fearful that one of them might see me.

What’s happening? Why is he--?

“Listen to me, you goddamn fag,” Moritaka said through clenched teeth. “My class still has one one more day of exams after today. I know you go into the office pretty damn often because the faculty thinks you’re some irredeemable basket case. And plus if you get me those answers, maybe I’ll consider keeping that stupid little secret from that friend of yours. Or maybe I could tell everyone how you got drunk off your ass at Nevermind’s party--”

I could hear Komaeda’s weaken, but he didn’t hesitate. “A-alright! I’ll get you the answers, just...just let go of me.”

Moritaka shifted his feet. He was walking away. I pressed my back up against the tree even harder. “By the end of today. Don’t fuck it up.” I shifted myself further to remain hidden. I couldn’t stop shaking. Please don’t let them see me please don’t let them see me please please please don’t let them see me...

Off in the distance, I heard the first bell ring. I needed to get to my locker and then somehow get myself to class in four minutes. I waited for a moment, and then looked past my tree. Komaeda was gone. I had to get moving. I got up on my feet and broke into a sprint. My brain was trying to process about 25 things at once as I made my way up the stairs and to my locker.

Moritaka had been threatening him. That I was sure of. The details were still a little grainy, but I could tell it had had something to do with Moritaka’s test scores. His class was doing exams a week late for some reason. Stealing cheat sheets. I was able to piece most of it together. It was no secret that the principal kept the answers to our exams in a drawer in his office. How long had this been going on? How long had Komaeda not told anyone about this? How long had he been verbally tormented like that? These thoughts continued to ravage my consciousness as I rushed to class. And furthermore, what had Moritaka meant when he mentioned keeping a secret from a friend? Did he mean me?

Maybe it was ‘that.’ What Komaeda couldn’t tell me or else I would hate him. Moritaka was blackmailing him with that.

God. Are you really that desperate to keep it from me?

I don’t want to know. Not if it’s going to hurt you.

I managed to get to to my classroom a minute before the bell rang by some miracle unbeknownst to me. As my eyes swept the room for my seat, they briefly landed on Komaeda. He noticed my sudden interest, and politely smiled at me. But my eyes weren’t focusing on his smile. Instead, they focused on a gigantic, red welt on his cheek. Like somebody had slapped him across the face.

“Oh, good morning Hinata ku--”     

“Komaeda, what happened to your face?” I rushed over to his desk, my voice deep with concern. Komaeda stared at me for a moment, and then just touched his palm to the red, scratched, swollen spot on his cheek. He laughed. It was horrible. It was terrifying, just watching him laugh merrily as he winced in pain at the sudden contact. I could still see some of his previous bruises that hadn’t quite healed. Had those been caused by him too?

Just tell me the truth. It’s alright if everything isn’t ok. Just tell me what’s going on.

“Ah, you mean this,” he said calmly. “Somebody opened their locker too hard and it hit me in the face. It doesn’t hurt anymore. Jeez, don’t look so worried.”

My stomach hurt.      

 

--

 

I asked Komaeda if he wanted to eat lunch together. Screw right to privacy, I wanted an explanation to all this. Fortunately he said yes, and suggested we eat indoors today. He thought the music room would do nicely. I was all for the idea, since the band room is always empty during lunch and I had wanted to talk to him in private anyway. It was actually sunny that day despite it being cold. “Brisk” as Togami described it (both of them, I swear those two are the weirdest twins I have ever met). The sun shined nicely in through the window, illuminating the room with a natural glow. It made for a pleasant atmosphere. Sadly, what I had to ask Komaeda put a damper on the whole “good feeling” vibe in the room.

Our conversation started like it always did. We discussed classes, made small talk, and joked with each other. I had to wait for a good opportunity to bring it up. My stomach was still hurting all throughout the conversation. When our banter reached a lull, I felt a little bolder. While the other was searching his hand for something clever to say, I spoke up.

“Um, Komaeda. I need to ask you something.”

“What’s up?”

“Are you, ah…” I began awkwardly. “Are you friends with Tadashi Moritaka?”

I could see his fingers tug lightly on the tail of his coat. “What? Of course not,” he chuckled. “That’s so silly. I don’t like Moritaka-kun at all. Why in the world would you think that?”

“I’ve been seeing you two talking a lot lately.”

Komaeda’s cheeriness slowly floundered at this statement. “W-well, actually, I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but sometimes student council asks me to help with the Student Services program when they’re short on members since I’m not in any clubs after school. You know, just helping people with their studies if they’re having an trouble. They call me in a lot since I’m good at tutoring.”

“What does this have to do with Moritaka?”

“Moritaka-kun came in one day asking for tutoring. I’ve been helping him a little ever since. Students with abysmal grades are required to get help from a peer tutor at least once or twice. Moritaka got assigned to me. That’s really the only reason why I talk to him.” He sighed. “He may be a huge jerk and I don’t like him one bit, but he needs help with his grades. I thought maybe his attitude would change if he was able to have a more positive outlook on school. I mean, maybe there’s still hope for him as a person. I don’t think that anybody is truly cruel at heart.”

Komaeda was so nice. I was always surprised at how much he took empathy into consideration.

“...Are you sure?” I asked.

“Hm? Sure about what?”

“I heard you two talking this morning. Out by the basketball courts.”

“Really? I didn’t see you.”

“That’s because I didn’t want to be seen.” I looked toward the window, trying to hide my worried expression. “I heard all of it.”

Komaeda swallowed, but his expression didn’t change.

“I heard Moritaka yelling at you. He was calling you names, wasn’t he? And he was threatening you. Komaeda, why was he threatening you?”

“H-he wasn’t doing anything like that! Don’t be ridiculous! And if it came off that way, I’m sure he was only kidding---”

“Like hell he was!” I retorted, not meaning to raise my voice. “He was calling you names and he was saying something about test answers, and...and…” I hesitated for only a moment. “And he’s the reason why your face looks the way it does!”

Komaeda gripped his hands into fists at his sides, yet his expression remained unchanged.

“Komaeda,” I said uneasily. “I heard everything. Moritaka is threatening you, isn’t he? He’s hurting you on a regular basis, I heard him hit you in the face. How long has this been going on?”

“Hinata-kun, it’s not what you think it is, all I’m doing is helping hi--”

“Helping him!? He’s taking advantage of you!” It took me a second to notice that I was yelling. “He’s been hurting you! Why the fuck are you defending him!? He’s just using you to get the answers for the exam, isn’t that right? He’s even blackmailing you!”

“No, I--”

“Komaeda, you can tell me about these things! You don’t have to deal with this on your own. I don’t care if you have some horrible secret, I don’t care if you did something bad, even if I know, I’ll still be your friend---” my voice gave out as I realized what I had let slip. I remembered that Komaeda didn’t know he had already told me part of it.

My friend looked distraught for another split second, and then his face darkened into a scowl. Was he...angry?

“Don’t you dare…” he said in a low voice. “Speak to me like you would understand.” He got to his feet. He seemed even taller than usual.  

“Ko, I’m so sorry, I--”

“So we would still be friends?” he asked angrily. “What if I killed someone? Would you still want to be friends with me then?”

My heart leapt into my throat at the drastic hypothetical. It was hypothetical, right? I didn’t quite know how to react to it. “Well...I-I mean--  

“Shut up, just...just shut up.” He held his hand to his forehead and let out a deep sigh. Then he looked at me again. His eyes were like lasers and went right through me. “You know what you’re problem is? You don’t know when to mind your own business, Hinata. You don’t know anything about me. You might if you had been with me for the past six years, but you weren’t, so you don’t.”

“I wasn’t saying that I did.” I said meekly.

“Oh, weren’t you? While you were harping on about how we would still be friends even if I told you ‘that’? You don’t know that. You don’t know anything. Yet here you are charging into my personal life and demanding the need to know everything that I would rather you didn’t!!”

“Komaeda, I’m sorry! I don’t need to know if you don’t want me to! I can respect that. But we need to do something about Moritaka! You can’t just continue being harassed like this. We need to tell someone.”

“And what’s going to stop Moritaka from telling you ‘that’ if I do? Do you even have any idea how blackmail works? This is something that I have to solve on my own, and you intruding on it is not making things any easier for me.” He pulled the large hood of his jacket up over his dour face and stared gathering up his lunch. “Do you understand how badly I want to keep this from you?”

With that, he picked up his lunch bag and headed towards the door, and I could only watch in helpless confusion. My throat was closed up like the inside had been stung by a bee and was swelling. Komaeda lingered for a moment when he reached the door frame. I racked my mind for something to say to keep him from leaving, but my brain was stitched as tightly as my lips.

“It’s not like…” he said softly. “It’s not like Moritaka is the first I’ve had to deal with.” He paused a moment, then let out another long, frustrated sigh. “Just….stay away from me for a while.”

He slid the door closed, and I was crushed by the crippling silence that ensued. I just sat there, alone, disoriented. I was confused. I was a little angry. My emotions were throwing everything they had at me and I didn’t know how to feel. Why are you so mad? I didn’t do anything wrong. I just want to help you. You’re being difficult. Stop.

I was fairly sure I wasn’t the one in the wrong here. How can you just not tell someone that you’re being bullied because you want to keep something as trivial as a secret? Couldn't he just tell his parents? How could that secret possibly be that bad? Could it be? No. But it could. Couldn’t it? He didn’t actually kill anybody, did he? I refused to believe that he was being serious. Still, I lay flat on my back, weighing the possibilities. Hearing his words repeated in my head still made me convulse with shivers.

You don’t know when to mind your own business.

I had heard those words before. Not from Komaeda, but from my brother. The last time I was told to “mind my own business.” My throat hadn’t closed up that time around. I wished that it had. The outcome? My mom calling me after school not even trying to suppress her tears.

Well you know what? Maybe you should start listening to those little voices of yours, because right now they’re the only part of you that’s making any sense!

I clutched my head and dug my fingernails into my scalp. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to remember the things I said to him. I didn’t want to remember what happened all because I “minded my own business.” It’s not my fault, I lied to myself. It would have happened anyway. No. No. No. It’s not true. You could have stopped it, you could have stopped it had you not “minded your own business.” You can’t turn back time, but you can stop it from happening all over again. You can’t afford to “mind your own business.”

 

Not now.    

 

--

 

Sitting through the rest of school was internal hell. A crapton of bad memories that I had actually done pretty well at suppressing up to this point kept attacking me, Komaeda was avoiding me at all costs, and I just----ugh. He was being so stupid. Did he not give a damn that I care about what happens to him? Our instructors lectured and lectured, but I didn’t take in any of the information. I was too busy stewing in my own doubt. If Komaeda refused to put an end to things with Moritaka, then I would do it myself. I would wait until I saw them together again and break it off then and there. I didn’t care about looking like some dork who cared too much. Embarrassment is nothing compared to victimizing demoralization.

When class finally got out, I saw Komaeda quickly dart out of the room. So he was still angry with me. I had kind of expected that. However, I hadn’t expected him to take off running once he left. Once I had exited the classroom he had already rounded the corner at the end of hallway.

Jesus Christ, I mouthed.

I probably couldn’t run that fast even without the thick mess of fellow students weaving and mulling about the hallway congregating with one another and making it impossible to navigate. I had to momentarily look like a complete ass and shove people out of the way to get to where I thought my friend had gone. When I finally went around the corner, he was nowhere to be found. The hallway stretched before me was long. Even if he had ran, he would have never have made it to the other end without me seeing him. My vision drifted to the side door next to me. He must have taken the stairs. I threw open the door and flew up the stairwell.

1st floor. No Komaeda.

2nd floor. Still no Komaeda.

3rd floor. Are you actually serious.

4th floor. Where the hell are you!?

I leaned up against the lockers in a hurried attempt to catch my breath. I had checked and re-checked every floor and even asked around, but I couldn’t find him. He was nowhere to be found.

Wait a second. In the stairwell corridor, there was a door leading outside. Had he taken that exit to throw me off and make me think that he was inside the building? Which he wasn’t. Oh, that was clever. If he pulled that little maneuver, he could go and meet Moritaka in their usual spot without me suspecting it. Upon realizing this, I didn’t even wait for my breath to keep up with my movements. I hurried back down the stairs and out the door. I quickly texted Makoto and told him to go home without me since I was probably going to be a while. Depending on what ensued. As I made my way to the basketball courts, my run slowed to a jog. Not only was I exhausted from hurling myself up and down four flights of stairs, I realized that I was scared. I had never really had to deal with this kind of thing before. My stomach felt like someone had tied a rope around it. I tried to ignore this as I plowed forward, hoping I wouldn’t find the worst.

I shouldn’t have set my hopes so high.

When I got to the basketball courts, there they were, in the same meeting spot as this morning. They didn’t notice me. Moritaka was too absorbed in what he was doing. My breath caught at the horrible, cruel sight that was lain before me.  

Which was Moritaka slamming Komaeda’s head repeatedly against a tree. In a sickening, slow rhythm. Thud. Thud. Thud. Komaeda wasn’t even crying out.

I crept sideways to avoid being seen. Finally, Moritaka let go of Komaeda’s head and he fell to the ground. I could tell from a distance that his forehead was bleeding.

“You little bitch,” Moritaka growled. “I failed exams all because of you. You said you would get me those sheets by lunch, but where the hell were you!?”

Komaeda didn’t answer. He just glared up at Moritaka spitefully. Moritaka kicked him in the stomach. I cringed, my eyes still hurting from the shock. Komaeda recoiled, folding himself into his stomach and coughing violently.

“Tch. At least you’re not half bad at relieving stress.” Moritaka kicked him again. And again. And again. “Of course, I reserve the right to ask for your help in the future. Maybe I can keep that little secret of yours a bit longer if you’re willing to do things for me. But if you don’t carry them out, this is what happens.”

Komaeda choked out a wad of saliva, gasping for breath. “St---” he coughed. “Stop…”

Moritaka only kicked him harder. “I will once you learn how to do your fucking job!”

“A...agh…”

I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away and forget everything that I saw here. I want to pretend like nothing is wrong. I was equal levels of frightened and angry. That’s right, just focus on the anger. Stop. Stop hurting him. Stop hurting him. The anger traveled up from my gut, through my esophagus and throat, and finally flew out of my mouth.

“STOP IT!!”

Moritaka swiveled his head in my direction. It took me a moment to process that it was me who had issued those words. It hadn’t sounded like my voice. I felt my body go numb at his violent stare. His eyes were like daggers. I had always that they made him kind of attractive, but his personality and overall aura ruined the whole thing.

“Well, what do you know. It’s the little fag’s friend. Fucking kitten baring his teeth at a doberman.”  

“Moritaka, stop this right now. I’m not kidding.”

“I’m only giving this bitch what he deserves. He promised he would do me a favor, let me down, and now I failed something big because of it.”

“You’re lying.” My voice shook with terror. “He doesn’t deserve any of this.”

“Oh, am I?” He spread his arms theatrically. “Oi, Nagito.” Komaeda had just begun to get to his feet. He had only gotten as far as crouching on his knees, panting heavily and grasping his abdomen in pain, almost as if he was trying to keep his insides from spilling out. “Get over here and tell him he’s wrong.”

You bastard. Don’t you dare call him by his first name.

Komaeda didn’t say anything. He just kept breathing, mechanically, almost like he had to remember to breath.

“Hey,” Moritaka. “ ‘S wrong? You bite your tongue in half?”

Komaeda looked up at me. His face said so many things. I could see all of it. It said Help me. He’s hurting me. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Save me from this. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

“G--get out of here….” he gasped. “Hinata, just get out of here!”

“No!” I yelled. “I’m not leaving you here!”

“Go! JUST LEAVE!” He screamed. I noticed a few bystanders looking in our direction. A few of them looked quite concerned. “This has nothing to do with you! I told you I can handle this on my own!”

“NO YOU CAN’T!” I screamed back. “You can’t handle this on your own! That’s complete bullshit and you know it! Stop lying to yourself!”

“Hey hey hey,” Moritaka interjected. “If the guy says he’s fine, he’s fine.”

“You fucking asshole,” I snarled. “I am not letting you get away with this. Hit him as many times as you want, I’m still reporting you to the school board--” Moritaka’s palm connected with my  face. It made the same sound. That of hands clapping.

“You really suck at making threats you know.” Moritaka sighed. “Hey, Nagito. Since he knows about our arrangement now, don’t you think it’s fair game at this point?”

Komaeda’s eyes widened in fear. I saw it immediately after I had recovered the hit. But he was still too weak to move from his tree.

Do you have any idea how much I want to keep this from you?

Part of me still wanted to run. It wanted to run so that I would never hear it. Because I wanted to respect his feelings. I didn’t want to know. Not if it would hurt him this much. But for some reason, I still stood my ground.

“You know, I’m curious,” Moritaka mused in a plastic voice, like he had rehearsed the line. “I’m surprised this little shit even has any friends. He’s a fucking liar, is what he is.”

At these words, Komaeda sank down even further. He started crying. He could only watch helplessly as the situation unfolded. He was far too weak to do anything else.

“...What do you mean?” I ventured tensely.

“Exactly what I said, dumbass. There’s a lot of things you don’t know about him.” Komaeda just continued to shrink into the background. I wanted to cover my ears. I wanted to to run away. “I hear this basket case all the time in the guidance counselor’s office,” Moritaka continued. “Goes to the fucking school psychologist. Almost makes you feel sorry for him. Well? Is that why you’re always hanging around him?” He sneered. “You feel sorry for this bitch just because his parents are dead? Or maybe something else?”

 

Moritaka’s words hit me like two tons of bricks. Everything started moving in slow motion, like a badly edited movie. Because his parents are dead.

Parents are dead.

Dead.

Komaeda’s parents were dead. Despite everything he had told me, his parents were gone. I already called my parents. They know I’m ok. Maybe even as far back as My dad’s job got him transferred here. My head overflowed with examples. Komaeda only continued to shrink down, helplessly. You lied to me, I wanted to say. You’re a liar why did you lie what was the reason I don’t understand why are you just sitting there how did they die tell me what happened. I wanted to say that. I wanted to say so many things, but my anger wouldn’t allow me to. Instead, I just pulled my eyes back up to my friend’s tormentor’s face, and said my latest addition to the list.

“Moritaka.” I clenched my fists. “I am going to give you a five second head start. And then I am going to come after you and break every single bone in your body.”

Moritaka backed up a little. “Woah. Jeez, I was just--”

I held up my index finger. “One.”

 

--

 

I was still a first year, so I hadn’t been to the principal’s office as a consequence yet. But here I was. An onlooker must have ran and gotten a school official, because they carted me here so fast I could have been in a time warp. Moritaka had actually put up a pretty good fight. I mean, considering he was taller than me he had a pretty unfair advantage. My side was bruised like you wouldn’t believe. But I managed to fuck him up pretty well. I didn’t even know that had it in me. I guess I had been pretty mad.

After waiting for a few minutes, Principal Kirigiri entered the room and took his seat in his swivel chair. If there is one person in this world who is %100 capable of scaring the crap out of me, it’s my school’s principal. He’s also the father of the girl Makoto has a crush on, and the resemblance is almost comical. But this was no time to be thinking about that. He was giving me the death stare of all seriousness.

“So,” he sighed. He obviously did not want to deal with this right now. “Hinata. Can you tell me why you were trying to bludgeon one of your fellow classmates over the head with your English textbook?”

“Science textbook, actually.”

“That is neither here nor there. Tadashi Moritaka is in the nurse’s office with a broken nose, and I would like you to explain to me why that is.” His voice was calm. Almost father-like.

“That fucker only got what he deserved.”

“Watch your language please.”

“Sorry. That jerk only got what he deserved,” I corrected.

“How so?”

I shifted in my seat. “Moritaka was bullying a good friend of mine. He was blackmailing him and making him do things that he didn’t want to do. I’m not quite sure, but I think he was making him steal the the correction sheets for his class’s midterm exams because he didn’t want to get caught doing it himself. I caught him slamming his head against a tree, so I came after him and beat the crap out of him.”

“Is this friend of yours Nagito Komaeda?”

“Yes. With the white hair and the green jacket.”

Principal Kirigiri leaned back in his chair slightly, in consideration, I assumed. “Alright then. Both claims match, so I’m going to assume that they’re valid.” He said this because he had questioned Komaeda before he had questioned me. “We’ll call in Moritaka once he’s recovered from his break. But even though you don’t seem to be lying, you still actively tried to harm him. I cannot ignore that, so you have two weeks of lunch detention. Once I hear from said victim, I will decide on his punishment.”

I looked down at my hands, which were placed firmly in my lap. “Alright.”

“Thank you. You are excused.”

I gathered my things, bowed, and exited the faculty room solemnly. I wanted so badly to go home. I wanted to go home and sleep. The moment I left, I saw Komaeda sitting on the bench right outside the faculty room. He had his headphones in, and from what I could tell they were turned up pretty loud since I could hear sound leaking out of them. He was hugging his knees and had his chin rested on his kneecaps. He looked kind of cute like that. His eyes were still red and puffy, and he had a bandage wrapped around his head.  

Not knowing what else to do, I sat down next to him and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. He glanced in my direction and took off his headphones.

I smiled at him. “Hey.”

“Hi…”

Weird pause.

“What are you listening to?”

“The Dead Weather. One of their older albums.”

“Huh. Never heard of them.”

Another weird pause.

“Were you waiting for me?” I asked.

Komaeda let his knees down. “Yeah. I figured it would be pretty uncool of me to just leave you here.”

“Thanks.”

“No, it...it’s no problem.”

I leaned back against the wall. “So you told him the truth.”

Komaeda still didn’t look at me. “Mmm. There really isn’t a point in lying anymore since Moritaka’s threat doesn’t hold water now.”

That’s right. “Oh...I-I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. Really, I should be the one to apologize here.”

“No, you don’t have to--”

“I want to,” he interjected. “I’m sorry, Hinata-kun. I’m sorry that I didn’t put an end to all of this sooner. I’m sorry I yelled at you when I knew you were just trying to help. I’m sorry for getting you pulled in to all of this. And...I’m sorry that I lied to you so many times over.”

“It’s ok.”

“It’s not ok,” he snapped quietly. He looked me in the eyes, their usual murky green glassy with water. Then he wiped his eyes, and leaned back against the wall with me. He stared at the ceiling while he spoke. “I think I owe you a few explanations.”

I didn’t respond at first. “Start from the beginning, then.”

He spoke slowly. “Like I told you before, it started when I was helping out at Student Services as a peer tutor since they were short on members. Moritaka-kun had to come in because of his grades and I got paired with him to help him study for exams. It became obvious pretty early on that he wanted me to do everything for him, and I tried and tried to get him to study independently, but he just refused. And the next day that he came in, he told me that he had heard me talking to the school guidance counselor about…” he swallowed. “...about some things. Things that I would give anything to keep private.

“So I foolishly told him not to tell anyone about it. He told me he would only keep it zipped if I stole the cheat sheets for midterms that the teachers use for grading. He said that I go into the faculty office a lot, so it would be easy for me. I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to steal anything, and he kept threatening me with his fists. But I had to put up with it. I didn’t want him to tell you.”

“About your parents?” I asked bravely. I felt uneasy about broaching the subject.

He chuckled somberly. “Ah, yes. I guess I might as well tell you that too. No point in keeping it from you now, I suppose.” Komaeda sank into the hood of his jacket. “Moritaka wasn’t lying. My parents have been dead for five years now.”

Komaeda gave me a moment to process that. “Five years? Really?” I asked in utter disbelief.

“Approximately.”

“Then...what you told me about you transferring because of your dad’s job---”

“That was a lie.”

“And...when you said that you’d called your parents after that party---”

“Thaaat was also a lie.”

I couldn’t talk. My tongue was thick with bafflement. “But...I-I mean, where are you--”

“I’ve been living with my aunt for almost a year now. Before that I was just passed around between different relatives.” He laughed a little. “You know, I was worried out of my mind when you told me that you had read my second-person-morning routine assignment. I thought that you might figure it out on your own.”

“Why?”

“Really?” he said. “You didn’t find it at all strange when I didn’t mention my parents at all? Or the elusive “auntie” endearment?”

“N-no, I mean, I did, but...I just didn’t think much of it.” I nervously played with the string on my backpack, which was propped up next to me.

“....How did they die?” I ask.

Komaeda kept staring at the ceiling, wistfully and silently. “In an accident.” He dug his nails into the hem of his sleeves. “It happened when I was in the fourth grade, about a year after you left. My mother was pregnant with my little sister Monaca. My parents had been fighting a lot more than usual around that time. I always wondered why they were still together, even at the age I was. I guess they just wanted us to pass as a normal family with a normal life, even though we had already horrifically failed. In retrospect, it would have been easier for all of us if we had just thrown in the towel, admitted defeat, divided the property, and moved on with our lives.” He sighed. “So my father thought it would be a good idea for the three of us to take a trip to the beach. To like, connect as a family or whatever. He suggested it because he knew that I liked beach towns. Only time I can remember him actually taking my opinions into consideration. At first, I was really happy. We hadn’t gone to the beach in years.”

I tried to imagine Komaeda as I remembered him as a kid, gathering sand castle moulds and beach towels with a huge smile on his face. I had only met Komaeda’s parents once or twice. I hardly remembered them.

“My parents were excited too. And miraculously, nobody fought while we were planning the trip. We set out for it a few days later. I was fidgeting the entire car ride. I just couldn’t wait to get there, look at all the shops, run on the beach, play in the water, find seashells, do all the things a child would do. Maybe I would even get to play with other kids. My mom and I played card games in the backseat. She even taught me how to play gin rummy.

“At one point in the drive, my father started becoming irritated with the drivers around him. My dad had always had really bad road rage and got frustrated easily when he was driving. We had just merged onto the freeway, so people were passing him left and right, and he was getting pretty visibly irritated. So he started driving recklessly.” My friend put his hand gently over his eyes. “My mom kept yelling at him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen. He just yelled back, and they started fighting, and I covered my ears because I didn’t want to listen. My dad wasn’t paying attention, so he wasn’t looking in front of him and hadn’t noticed that someone had merged into our lane right in front of us, and he couldn’t slow down, so he swerved to avoid him, and---”

Komaeda was breathing heavy, shaky breaths, his hand still covering his eyes. A thin tear streamed down his face. “A truck hit us from the side. All I could r-remember was this horrible noise, being pushed forward, everything going upside down, and my m-mother screaming, and the s-sound of glass breaking, and then...and then everything j-just went out. When I came to, I was p-propped upright in a hospital bed….”

Komaeda was doing his best not to break down, I could tell. The substituted coping was absolutely heartbreaking. I put my hand over my mouth. “Oh my god.”

Once Komaeda had somewhat gotten himself together, he continued, drawing a sharp breath as he did. “My father died on impact. He landed wrong and broke his neck. I g-got off easy with a broken leg that had been crushed by the side door. My m-mother w-wasn’t so lucky. She hit her head somehow and was cut by shards of glass from the window.”

“I went to see her the day I was allowed to leave my room on crutches. Her face was all cut up from the broken glass and she had bandages tied around it. I tried to talk to her, but she….she didn’t even recognize me. Sh-she didn’t even remember who I was, her own son…” he released his hand from his eyes, revealing steady trickles of tears coming from them. “She died the next morning. And so did my sister along with her.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what I could say.

Then he laughed. It didn’t even sound forced. “It’s not fair, you know. It just isn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did they. It’s true, they rarely praised me for anything, they never came to school for conferences or class plays, they would yell at me and I would scream back at them, and sometimes they would throw me out of the house so they could just yell and scream at each other, but---” He couldn’t hold his smile forever. “They were s-still my parents, and I still loved them because they were all I had! It’s not fair! It’s not fucking fair.”

“Komaeda, I’m so sorry.” I meant it more than I could express with those words. “I had no idea.”

“It’s not your fault,” he sniffed. “It’s not anybody’s fault.”

On impulse, I reached my hand towards him. I just wanted to comfort him somehow. He held his hand up in front of mine defensively.

“Don’t.” He whimpered.

“Huh?”

“Don’t...don’t touch me.”

I let my hand fall limp at my side. He was in a fragile state. I needed to respect his wishes.

How does one react when their friend confides in you that they were the only one out of their family to survive a freakish car accident? Do you tell them everything is going to be fine? Do you tell them to cheer up? I don’t know. I still don’t. I did know that what he had been through sounded like absolute hell. To this day I can’t imagine how traumatized I would be if either of my parents didn’t even recognize their own child. It would be like a whole chunk of my world, memories, and future would come crashing down around me as I watched everything being taken from me. That was exactly what my friend had experienced. And I could do nothing. I was mad at myself for it.

“Why did you lie?” I asked, cautiously. “Why did you act like they were still alive?”

He tried to dry his eyes with the back of his hand. “I didn’t want you to pity me.”

“To pity you?”

Komaeda sniffled again. “I just wanted to have a normal friendship with you, Hinata-kun. I didn’t want to go through the whole thing with you feeling like you needed to pity me. And I didn’t want to be pitied. It almost hurts more than remembering what happened. If someone pities you, they don’t see you as a human. They see you like a reflection in a broken mirror. It’s the same face, but the cracks obscure the image. I didn’t want us to be like that. So I lied to you.” He hunched his body forward, wiping away the last of his tears. “I’m sorry. It seemed like the only option at the time.”

“It’s alright. I completely know what you’re saying.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes I do.”

“How?”

His voice started ringing in my head again. The subtle, quietly pleading voice of one begging to be forgiven. I heard my own voice too, refusing to hear the latter and spitting fire in his ear.

You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

Don’t ever talk to me again.

I hate you.

Go listen to those little voices of yours.

Go find someone who cares.

 

The phone call, the bandage, the room painted all white, the silence that followed. All of it was fresh in my mind.

“Because I lied to you too.”

Komaeda looked up at me. “What, about Nanami-san? Hinata-kun, that was---”

“I’m not talking about Nanami. I lied to you about Izuru.”

The name piqued his attention. “Izuru?”

“When I told you that Izuru had passed his exams,” I said. “That was a lie. Izuru never took his midterm exams because he hasn’t been to school in over five months.”

“Why not?”

“Because last spring, he…” I clenched my fists, bracing myself. “He tried to kill himself.”

Komaeda’s eyes widened.

“It was back in March, I think, when we started to notice it. Izuru never really was much of a cheerful person, but lately he just wasn’t acting like himself. He kept skipping school, his grades started going down the tubes which was really unusual, he got really mad at everyone for the littlest reasons, and he just kept having emotional breakdowns for no reason at all. My parents staged an intervention to ask him what was wrong, and he insisted that he was fine. My mom set up a meeting with his school’s guidance counselor, and they referred him to a doctor, and they found out that he had been dealing with severe depression for at least a month and just never told anyone about it. My headache started coming back. I thought that I was able to talk about this now, but I guess I wasn’t. “It became pretty obvious too, once we found out about it. He hated being around people, he shut everyone out, he was always sad, and at one point he just stopped going to school. He would just spend days on end in his room. My mom tried to schedule him for therapy, but he refused to leave the house. He would even prop furniture up against his door. I tried calling him a bunch of times, and he only occasionally picked up. Our conversations were like, completely one-sided.

“But once, I actually got him to open up to me. He told me that he had been hearing voices.” My stomach hurt again. I felt like my insides were going to implode. “He said that sometimes it was mom’s voice, sometimes it was dad’s voice, sometimes even people from school, but it was never mine. He said they told him he was useless, he was just some attention-whore poster boy with good grades, that’s all anyone saw him for, all he wanted was praise, things like that. He couldn't sleep because of it. And I tried to comfort him, and tell him that none of those things were true, but he didn’t listen. He yelled at me saying that I didn’t understand at all, that my words didn’t mean anything. I knew he was probably just panicking, but it set me off. I started arguing back at him, and...I said h-horrible things to him. I just couldn’t stop myself. And when I hung up, he was crying.

“He kept calling me, too. I don’t know if it was just to make things right or find comfort or what, but I just kept attacking him. The moment he became angry with me, I turned into a monster. I told him that I hated him, I told him to go fuck himself if he was so damned depressed, I---” I could feel my eyeballs getting hot, but I willed myself not to cry. It showed in my voice. “I told him that he might as well listen to those little voices since they were the only things telling him the truth. That he was a little attention-whore, all he wanted was for people to look at him, all he wanted was my sympathy and I wasn’t giving it to him. I told him that I hated him, my own brother. My mouth just moved on it’s own while my brain was screaming at me to stop. I think...I think I was just drunk on power.

“How?”

“Izuru had always been better than me at everything. No matter what I did, he always did it a thousand times better, so I’ve always been jealous of him. But I had finally found something that I could win at, so I took advantage of it. I just kept fighting with him, and I knew that I would always win. It was fucked up, I was so fucked up. And it just kept going and going until...Izuru just stopped caring. I couldn’t get a reaction out of him with anything. He stopped calling me, he didn’t leave the house for a solid month, and I think he just...stopped feeling things. He couldn’t even feel sad anymore. My dad and I came to visit him to try to snap him out of it, but he was completely numb. He hardly spoke at all. He couldn’t get excited when mom made his favorite meals, he didn’t care about the book series that he used to like, he wasn’t even happy walking on the waterfront, which he used to love to do. He was just sort of...fading away. It was so scary seeing him like that, but with me and my stupid pride, I couldn’t do anything to help after the things that I had said. I didn’t even apologize.

“And then…” I blinked, and a single tear traced a transparent line down my face. “The day after my dad and I came home from one of our visits, my mom called me. She was hysterical, and she was crying so much that at first I couldn’t make out a word she was saying. But she told me…” I stopped to put my fingers to my forehead, as if to ease the pain in my head. “She told me that she had come home from work an hour early, and….she found Izuru…

“He was trying to drain his blood out in the bathtub." I covered my face with my hands in an attempt to steady myself. My voice was cracking slightly. “She said he was barely conscious when she found him, and there was a giant gash on his arm that was still bleeding. She said that he cut himself open with a shaving razor. She barely got him to the hospital in time. My dad and I rushed out to see him, just to see if he was alright, and I was so thankful that he was still alive….and I realized that I had almost killed my own brother.”

Komaeda was staring at me in surprise. Not exactly a surprised kind of shock, more of a soft, sympathetic shock. His eyes were still rimmed with tears from his own breakdown.

My face came up from my hands. “I would give anything to take back what I said to him, but I can’t. And I’ll never be able to, and I’m always going to have to live with the fact that I almost killed him. I almost made my brother kill himself.”

I felt a hand creep across my back and around my waist. It made me shiver momentarily.

“Komaeda?”

He was looking directly at me, wearing a sad expression, but with a certain warmth to it. He slid his other hand across my stomach and around to my back, pulling me into a sideways hug. He rested his chin on my shoulder, his head almost touching my neck but not quite. It usually feels a little awkward when another guy hugs me, but this felt strangely natural. It did catch me off guard a little.

“Izuru-kun is still alive, right?” he asked. “He survived his suicide?”

“Yeah, he...he did.”

“Isn’t that enough?”

“What do you mean?”

Komaeda smiled, in spite of the saltwater still running down his cheeks. “You’ve been given another chance, Hinata-kun. I know you probably don’t believe in fate, but I have this theory. Whenever you royally screw up, you think you’ve made a mess beyond all redemption, your life judges you. And if it truly believes that you can find a way to make things right all on your own, if it thinks you can truly find a way to sort things out, it gives you a second chance.”

I was about to tell him that I didn’t believe in fate, that I didn’t believe that the universe was sentient, but I didn’t. His words just kind of washed over me.

“Have you apologized to him since then?”

“Uh-huh...a bunch of times.”

“That’s an excellent start. Help him in any way that you can. Call him even when you don’t think he needs calling. Help him start feeling things again. Not only tell him, prove to him that you’re sorry.”

“I can’t do that. Not anymore.”

“Yes you can. Just by being there for him. I know I would have given anything for someone to have been there for me.” He nuzzled into my shoulder a little. “Just trust me. I can tell that you love your brother very much.”

His touch was so warm. I wanted more of it. His words were so comforting. His voice alone calmed me down. When he shifted slightly, my heart started racing. I turned my head to see his face. Our faces were close. So close that I could….

What is this? What’s happening?

I don’t understand.

Neither of us spoke for a long time. We just stayed like that for what felt like forever, Komaeda hugging my waist gently, me slouched and settling into his embrace. I closed my eyes so that I didn’t have to focus on anything besides the sensation of his arms around me. Our breathing was matched to one another’s as our tears began to dry. For the first time in five months, I felt like everything was going to be alright. And I couldn’t quite explain why. All I knew was that I didn’t want Komaeda to stop hugging me. I wanted to pull him closer, so that maybe I could feel his warmth even more so. But that would have made things weird, so I didn’t. The realization came, eventually. That I wanted him to touch me, I wanted to touch him, I wanted to feel his face on mine. It also didn’t take me that long to realize that what I was feeling wasn’t normal to feel towards a friend. It didn’t come as awfully profound.

"I'm a bad person."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"Ssh. Stop talking." 

I didn't even know what I was trying to convince myself of. Pounding the words into my head didn't make things any different. Maybe I just did it in hopes that somebody would tell me I was wrong. My shoulders felt a little lighter somehow. I had felt like this before. I had felt like this when he was holding me at Sonia's party. Lately I had just felt like this whenever I was with him, however faintly. I didn't acknowledge it as anything particularly strange, just something I couldn't quite put into words. Now I finally had a name for it.

Am I falling for you? 

 

            

     

 

Chapter 6: Sleep Medicine and Return

Notes:

I'm really sorry this is so late. I had to start from scratch on this chapter a couple of times and when I was finally getting somewhere I checked and saw that I hadn't updated in THREE WEEKS. Longer chapter to make up for it. (I'm uploading this at like midnight I need to go to sleep).

N: So he actually told you

C: Of course he did. what did you think?

N: oh god I’m so relieved. Why didn’t you say anything

C: I kind of wish you hadn’t told me. I would have wanted to hear it from him first instead of someone else. It wouldn’t feel right to just tell him that I already knew. besides, I didn’t want him to get mad at you.

N: Yeah, I guess it was a pretty stupid thing to do in retrospect.

C: It was really stupid. Have a little more faith in him than that. Aren’t you two close friends?

N: you’re right. I should have trusted him a little more.

C: winter fireworks are coming up soon. You should make it up to him.

N: I will. Thanks.

 

--

 

It was easy enough to tell myself that my thoughts on the matter would go away on their own, that it was just a phase. This is not what happened. It’s hard to accurately describe what you feel when you realize that you might have feelings for a close friend. Is it confusing? Yes. Does it make you feel a little uncomfortable? Yes. Does it throw you into a downward spiral of painful self-denial? Absolutely. Does being with them all the time help the fact that you’re trying to convince yourself you’re not in love with them?

No.

To be honest, it didn’t come as that big of a surprise. I had known for a while now about my sexual preference, so I wasn’t shaken that I was potentially (emphasis on “potentially”) having feelings for a boy. What shook me was that this particular boy was already an established platonic “friend.” Aren’t they called “friends” because you love being around them but don’t want to date them? I mean, I thought Kuzuryuu was attractive, but I definitely wouldn’t want him to date me. That’s probably a good thing, since Pekoyama is pretty deft with a practice sword. And even though he was one of the closest friends I had, I would never, ever even consider a relationship with Makoto. Just thinking about it made me cringe. I would sooner shave my tongue. I was also quite aware that one-sided love can easily ruin a friendship, which made me have a lot of respect for Nanami about when she first asked me out.

So even with the logic dealt with and out of the way, why wouldn’t my brain just leave me alone already?

Ever since our little moment outside the faculty office when we confided in each other, it still lingered fresh in my mind, and lately I would find my mind wandering to Komaeda when it wasn’t otherwise occupied with something else. I would always think about his face, and how nicely shaped it was. I remembered how close it had been when he had hugged me. Then I would try to put it from my mind several times before just giving up and losing myself in thought. In my experience, it probably means something significant when you imagine yourself holding hands with someone and know that you would like it. Or kissing, even. Or whenever you’re with them you have brief intervals where you start feeling weirdly happy at the sound of the other person’s voice and when they look you in the eyes and smile you have to fight to keep your imagination in check. Yeah, that probably means something. These notions didn’t end up  going away, so I was just going to have to accept that I did, in fact, maybe kind of have a tiny crush on him for the time being. It might not even last, don’t worry.        

But still. Just being around him made me feel happy, special even. Just hanging out and enjoying each other’s company began to hold a lot of meaning for me. A lot of the time, I wondered what harm it would do if I just leaned forward and kissed him. What would happen if he kissed me back, not minding in the slightest that there was a boy on the other end instead of a girl? Furthermore, that it was me? What would that make us? Still friends? Probably not. Significant Others? Possibly. This of course was entirely hypothetical. All I knew for sure was that whenever I regained composure and told myself I was over it, he smiled at me sweetly or looked at me a certain way, and my resolve went out the window. This was all so new to me. I wasn’t this confused when I was with Nanami, so why was it so confusing now? How was this different? My own lame denial was still my first go-to. Just because I thought about touching him, did that mean I was in love with him? Pffft, no. I’m just….a touchy-feely kinda guy. Ok. Nope. That came out weird.

I tried not to worry about it too much. I just thought, Being around him is enough. Nobody’s rushing you to decide on what you’re feeling. Just trust your instincts and the rest will follow, right? Unfortunately my instincts were telling me to just make out with him and get it over with. That saying doesn’t tell you that your instincts are pretty primitive no matter who we’re talking about.

Fortunately, I had a very nice opportunity to talk it out with someone. It was on a Saturday, and I hadn’t been able to sleep the night before (I don’t really have to explain why), so I stumbled into the kitchen around 10:30. I was mostly driven out of my room by two unstoppable forces: subtle shame and hunger. Dad still wasn’t up. He had been out drinking with some coworkers the night before, so I hadn’t seen him since yesterday evening. It’s not like I was expecting to see him at the table, but instead there was someone else. Someone that I hadn’t seen in months. This particular someone was eating a piece of toast over a large novel, occasionally stopping to brush small strands of his long dark hair, that was at the moment done up in a french braid, out of his face. He was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and jeans. I nearly doubled back in surprise. He must have heard me come into the kitchen, because his eyes flicked in my direction as I entered. It really was him.

“I--” I started, not quite sure how to talk. “....Izuru?”

Izuru’s expression didn’t change. “Do you usually make it a habit to get out of bed looking that disheveled?”

He was right. My hair was probably a mess since I hadn’t washed it in a while, my shirt had stains on it, and I was wearing cotton pajama pants that had long developed several holes. But I didn’t care. Without even thinking, I sprinted towards him, briefly caught a glance of his confused face, and threw my arms around him. I actually overshot, since I ended up knocking him out of his chair and both of us onto the ground. The two of us fell with a thud.

“H-Hajime, get off of me!!” Izuru hastily ordered, trying to pry me off of him. I didn’t want to let go. I was almost crying. I was so happy to see him.

“Shut up. I’m allowed to do this, you asshole!” I was grinning like an idiot. Izuru sighed, but put his arm around me in acknowledgement. Hey, it was a start. I let go of him, knowing I was probably making him pretty uncomfortable. “What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t going to come until next month!”

“I had hoped to surprise you.” Izuru sat himself back up and dusted himself off. “I thought that it would be good for us to see each other again in person sooner.”

“But when did you get here? Last night? This morning? I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I have our mother to thank for that. She brilliantly believed that it would be best to drop me off at 1:30 in the morning without a key. The door was locked, so I undid the screen on one of the windows and slept on the couch.”

“Does dad know you’re here?”

“I don’t think so. I heard him coming in through the door at about 2, and I don’t think he saw me.”

“That’s good. He might have thought your were a cat burglar or something like that.”

“Doesn’t he keep a baseball bat in the umbrella rack?” he asked.

“Woah, you’re right.” I laughed uneasily. “Yikes, that could have been bad.”

God, I hadn’t seen him in so long. It was so nice to just be able to communicate without a screen between us. “It’s really good to see you.”

Izuru smiled a little. Just a little, slightly turning up the ends of his mouth. “It’s good to see you too.”

I suddenly remembered that I was still in my pajamas. “U-um, I’ll go change into some clothes. Oh, and I need to get some breakfast, and, I don’t know, it’s still a little early but is there anything you want to--?”

“One thing at a time, please.”

“...Y-you’re right. Sorry. Back in a bit.” I rushed back to my room to change into my street clothes. It was a little awkward just the two of us hanging around the house, so I suggested we go somewhere after I had gotten dressed. Izuru said that anywhere was fine, so I decided we would go to the riverfront behind a park down the street from our house. Izuru used to love rivers and waterfronts, so I thought that it would be a nice place to go walking. My dad was still sleeping, so I left a note for him on the refrigerator. I grabbed a coat, a scarf, and an umbrella just in case it started raining. I couldn’t get out the door fast enough.

 

--

 

I was surprised at how easy it was to speak with him. Well, neither of us dared mention the suicide, of course. Our relationship was still mending itself. Even when we talked to each other on the phone, conversations had to be kept brief to prevent them heading in the wrong direction. The last time I had seen my brother in the flesh was during his stint in rehabilitation, so I guess just seeing him as a living, breathing human being again was pretty refreshing. I could even see that he had started gaining back all the weight he had lost. He still didn’t smile, but that didn’t bother me since Izuru had never been one to smile anyway. He more smiled with his eyes than with his mouth. I must have looked like a complete spaz, grinning and laughing at every little stupid remark. I was just so happy to see him.

We talked about the most mundane of subjects. It felt really good, almost like a culture shock for me. He asked me how school was going, I told him I had passed my midterms and that all my friends were doing well. I asked him how he was, and told me that things were better. So much pressure unwinded from me just from that.

“So how’s mom doing?” I asked as we merged onto one of the trails alongside the riverbank. It had been raining a lot, so the river was quite high and rushing past us in the opposite direction. The river was by a park near my house, so it was easy to get to.

Izuru bit his lip. “Umm… do you recall that ‘friend from the workplace’ I was telling you about?”

“Uh. Sort of.”

“It seems that our mother now has something resembling a spouse, so to speak. Ugh, it’s too cold to have my hair up.” He undid his braid and let his hair fall loose behind him.

“Wait, what? Like a boyfriend?”

“Yes, something like that. I’m not sure how long it’s been going on for.”

I shook my head. “She never even told you? I-I mean…” I trailed off.

“I’m not that surprised, really. She and father have been apart for several years, and we all have to move on at some point.” He ducked under a tree branch and continued navigating the trail.

“Well, yeah, I mean, that’s true, but...she didn’t even ask if it was ok with you? I mean, right now isn’t really a great time to be making a decision like that. And she never even told you?”

“She did when I saw them together once.”

I glanced at him. His expression still hadn’t changed, but that didn’t necessarily mean that he was unmoved. “What’s his name?”

“Mitsuro Kaneda. He seems quite fond of mother, but I don’t much care for him.”

I chuckled. “Like the Kaneda from Akira?”

He furrowed his brow. “I hadn’t even thought of that.”

“So why don’t you like him?”

“He’s just annoying. He seems like he would come across as nice to any other person, but I just don’t like him. He takes dinner with us sometimes, and he’s always asking me if I have friends or have ever had girlfriend or a job or anything like that, and I just…” He stopped for a second. “There was one occasion when he told me I should ‘probably cut my hair’ since he saw that it was getting in my face.” He said quietly, through clenched teeth.

Ohohoho. He went there. Even insinuating that Izuru should cut his hair in any way shape or form was a major taboo. Izuru was really proud of his hair. He took good care of it too. It was always so soft and shiny with not a single split end on the bottom. It would make any girl envious. For as long as I could remember, I don’t think he had ever cut his hair in length. When we were little he would let me play with it and put it up for him. Even when Komaeda knew him, it had been just a little down past his shoulders. He hated it when people told him to cut it. Back in elementary school some people had called him gay for growing his hair so long, even a couple of parents. But out of a mixture of pride, vanity and stubbornness, he refused to chop it off and be done. It was awesome.       

“And he also tells many stories about his youth that don’t really have much of a point to them to get what he is saying across,” he continued. “I find him to be quite a boring individual and can’t imagine why mother is so taken with him, but to each his own, I suppose.”   

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Maybe she thought that a change would be good. Mom wants what’s best for you.”

“It’s fine. Maybe it’s just a passing phase. She misses her darling ‘Hachiko’, by the way.”

I groaned. “I can’t believe she’s still calling me that.”

“There’s no escaping it, Hajime.”

We talked like this for a while, about mom, about dad, weaving along the trail and looking at the town’s skyline. It was still morning, so it was pretty overcast but also seemed like the sun could come out later. Even though Izuru was having an easier time talking to me, I could tell he was still struggling, sometimes trailing off or stuttering his words. It made me worry a little, and I wondered if he was really doing better. I’m sure he was, and I was just worried because this whole thing was my fault and it was only natural for me to worry. I kept recalling all the things I said to him, how despondent he had seemed, how weeks went by without me getting a word out of him.

“Hey, um...Izuru?”

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Are you really doing better?”

Izuru looked to the side, unsure of how to respond. He motioned towards a wooden bench a few paces ahead of us. “Do you want to rest for a bit?”

“Uh...sure.”

We sat ourselves down next to each other on the bench facing towards the river. “To answer your question, yes. I am fairly sure that I’m doing better,” said Izuru.

“Be more specific.”

Izuru leaned back in his spot. “I’ve been thinking about going back to school.”

“Wait, really!?”

“I’m thinking about it. I’m still not sure. I might need more time.”

“And what about therapy?” I asked. It had taken weeks of coaxing to finally get Izuru to see a doctor, let alone a therapist. He hadn’t been going regularly until recently.

“I think it’s been going well. They put me on a new medication, and it’s been helping. Also, my school is giving me plenty of work to do to keep up with my classes. I’m still having nightmares from time to time, but I think my voices have stopped.”

“Ok, but what about---”

He eyed me skeptically. “Hajime, is something the matter? I’ve told you several times now, I’m fine.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“I mean it this time. What do you want me to say?”

I was about to say something, but I swallowed it. I don’t remember what it was, but it was probably going to be hurtful. “Sorry. I guess...I just want you to say that it wasn’t my fault. It's fine if it was.” God, I sounded like such an ass.

“That what wasn’t your fault?”

“Oh come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Isn’t it my fault that you--” I cut myself off. “Isn’t it my fault that you did what you did?”

Izuru looked at me incredulously. “You think that it was your fault? Hajime, don’t be so stupid.”       

“I’m not being stupid! At least part of it had to be my fault!”

Izuru cocked his head. “Why?”

“Why--what do you mean ‘why’!?” Now aware that I was speaking a lot louder than I should be, I lowered my voice. “Why wouldn’t I have played a part in it? You mean you don’t remember how I couldn’t be there for you?”

My brother waited for me, silently.

“All those times that you called me asking for support and I just ended up yelling at you, you don’t remember that? Those times I was screaming at you over the phone to go listen to your voices or to find someone who cared?” I tilted my head down, too ashamed to look up. “Ever since you had to go to the hospital that’s all I’ve been able to think about and how cruel I was to you, and I’m so sorry. I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for it. I just...I’m sorry.”

“That’s why you’re so mad at yourself?” he asked. “You’ve apologized about this six times already and I’ve told you several times that I forgive you.”

“That isn’t going to change anything. It doesn’t make things not my fault.”

“Hajime. Look at me,” Izuru said. I did. His face was dead serious. “Nothing was your fault.”

“How?”

“Because I decided to forgive you a long time ago.”

My shoulders relaxed a little. “You did?”

Izuru crossed his legs and looked out towards the river. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry with you at first, but you did have a fairly valid reason to raise your voice. I wasn’t exactly being very reasonable, what with refusing to listen to your attempting to comfort me after I directly came to you complaining.”

“You were just asking for help.”

“Besides the point. You offered it to me and I refused to take it. I actually figured that it was my fault that you were angry with me,” he said. “Nothing that you did affected my decisions.”

“Nothing?”

“I was under a stronger influence than unkind words, you understand. Besides, we’re brothers and I like to think that I know you fairly well. I had a feeling that you felt bad about it and didn’t really mean the things you said. We’ve fought before, I just thought I had aggravated you more than usual.”   

How long ago had he forgiven me? A few months ago? From the start? I wasn’t sure. But he forgave me. I wasn’t the reason he decided to…

Wait. If it wasn’t me, then what was it?

“...Can I ask you something else?”

“Certainly.”

“You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but…” I gulped. It was a sensitive subject as it was. “If you forgave me for yelling at you...um...why did you, ah...why did you do it?”

Izuru sighed. “Are you asking me why I tried to kill myself?”

I cringed at how he put it so bluntly. “I-I’m sorry! I r-really shouldn’t have asked! I, uh…!”

He cast his eyes down. “It’s alright,” he said in a low voice. “You have a right to know.”

I buried my face in my scarf. “Aren’t you the one who decides that?”

“I suppose.” He paused. “How do I even begin to say this….Hajime, what do you think depression means?”

“When you can’t stop being sad and it gets so bad that it ruins your life?”

“Wrong.”

“That’s wrong?”

He began scratching his index finger on the flaking wood on the bench’s armrest, looking moderately preoccupied. “Well, perhaps that can be the tip of the iceberg. Back when it first began, that’s all it was, just me trying to cope with my own sadness. It only got worse because I refused to acknowledge that it was turning into a problem. So I just sort of embraced it thinking that if I got used to it, it would eventually go away on it’s own along with the voices. And it did, in a way, but not the way I was hoping. I couldn’t feel sad anymore.”

“But you couldn’t feel anything else either.” I remembered how numb he had seemed during the final stages.

“Exactly. I had hoped that I would eventually just stop caring about being sad, but it took me a while to see that there’s a difference between not caring and not being able to care. I wanted to care about things, but I just couldn’t anymore. They could have sent me back to school, I wouldn’t have felt anything. I wasn’t so much sad as I was just, well...bored. Nothing seemed to have a point, special occasions just felt like every other day, I didn’t even see any meaning to going outside. Had my feelings still existed, I probably would have been scared when I found out that I wasn’t able to have emotions anymore. It wasn’t until much later that I found out that I just didn’t want to be alive anymore.”

“You weren’t even afraid?” I asked.

“No, I wasn’t,” he answered. “I didn’t even consider what it would do to everyone around me, which was selfish, I understand. It wasn’t so much that I felt driven to do it, it just felt like death was the only option left that I felt might work. Like by somehow ending my life I wouldn’t necessarily be able to have feelings again, but I wouldn’t not have feelings either, and I thought it was worth a try. I just wouldn’t exist anymore and it wouldn’t be that different from my current state. I’m probably not making very much sense right now, but that’s what it was like.” He glanced over at me. “Are you crying?”

I was. I hadn’t even noticed that there were tears running down my face. “No,” I said in a weak tone. “I’m fine.”

Izuru put his hand on his head and ruffled my hair. “Hey. That’s all over now. I’ve been taking medicine and seeing a doctor, and it’s been helping.”

“I know, I just…” I whined. “I can’t believe I came so close to losing you for a reason like that. I didn’t even try to understand until it was too late.”

Izuru hesitated, then pulled me into a hug. It felt a little awkward, but good nonetheless. I dug my fingernails tightly into the fabric of his jacket. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t think about how you would feel.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” I choked out. “I’m so happy you’re still alive.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to try harder from now on.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Promise me so I know you’ll remember.”

“I swear it on my left hand.” His left hand was his dominant hand. His drawing and painting hand. His writing hand. “I’m going to get through this.”

I hugged him tighter. “Thank you.” We stayed like that for a bit. Had things ended differently, had Izuru really died, I wouldn't have been able to do this. I decided to soak as much of it up as I a could.

"Some of them are starting to come back, actually.”

I pulled away from him, sensing it was it was high time to let go. “You mean your feelings?”

“A few of them. I still can’t feel happy again, even though I’ve tried.”

“Tell me about that.”

“Well, the first thing that my brain was able to salvage was my ability to cry, and that got rather annoying fairly fast. It’s as if I haven’t fully remembered how to be sad, but enough so that I’m able to cry again. So I’m often crying at random moments with no idea why I’m crying.”

“That...sucks.” I commented. “But it’s a start, right?”

“It certainly is.” Izuru brushed a lock of his hair behind his ear and out of his face. “I’ve also been able to somewhat rediscover embarrassment and not liking things. And maybe also longing.”

“Why embarrassment?” I asked.

“Well….I’m sure that you’ve noticed my social abilities having more or less disappeared along with my emotions, right?”

I nodded. It really wasn’t that subtle.

“Back then I wouldn’t have cared if I was having trouble talking to someone or failing to recognize social cues,” he continued. “I would just give up and be done with it. But now when I’m having that kind of trouble, I start to feel self conscious. It’s annoying, really, having all of this coming at me at once.”

“Being annoyed is technically an emotion though, right?”

“I suppose.”

“It’s still a pretty far cry from happiness.” I loosened my scarf a little. “I’m just glad that you’re not hearing things anymore.”

“Ugh. And it’s about damn time.” He rubbed his eyes a little. “Sorry. I don’t want to talk about me anymore.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, don’t apologize.” He gestured towards the trail. “Do you want to keep walking?”

“Sure.” We got up from the bench and kept walking. I was a little lightheaded, but that was ok. I was feeling better.

“Ah, I’ve been meaning to ask," Izuru said suddenly. “Did you ever get to breaking up with that girl you were dating?”

“Who, Nanami? Yeah, we broke up pretty recently.” I replied. “It just wasn’t working. But she was pretty cool about it.”

“That’s good. I imagine it would be a pain if they refused consent to a breakup,” he mused. “Not that I have any experience in that particular field.”

Izuru had never dated anyone. He was a year older than me, but he had absolutely no experience in romance. He just didn’t seem interested at all. I had asked him once if he was ace, and he just told me he didn’t like labels. Not once in almost sixteen years had I seen him express a romantic interest in another individual.

“Nanami’s pretty quick to respect someone’s wishes. It was fairly painless.”

“Is there someone else you’re interested in, then?” Izuru asked.

I eyed him suspiciously. “Why are you asking me this stuff? I know that you could care less about my love life.”

“I also haven’t been able to talk to you in person in months. I’m just trying to get to know you a little better again.”

That was a pretty fair point. My first instinct was to say no, I wasn’t interested in anyone else, I’m happy just being alone. Unfortunately, I had supporting evidence to prove that wasn’t true. His face popped into my head. His well proportioned face that his curly hair framed so nicely. I didn’t want to admit that I might have feelings for him, but at the same time I was sort of looking for an excuse to accept my feelings. Maybe I could be sure once I talked to someone about it.

“Well, actually…” I clenched my fists in the pockets of my coat. “There is someone that I’ve been thinking about in that regard recently.”

“Really. What’s she like?”

He just had to ask. Dammit.  

“Um...they, uh…” I stammered. “I-it’s a boy, actually.”

Izuru’s raised his eyebrows. “So you have a complex?” he said very, very bluntly.

“Jesus Christ, don’t say it like that!”

“Fine then, how should I say it?”

“That I’m…” My face was pretty red by now. “Just, that I’m, um, gay. It’s the reason I broke up with Nanami.”

“I see,” Izuru said, completely disregarding my embarrassment at coming out to my brother. “So what is he like?”

“Do you remember how I told you I ran into one of our childhood friends at school? He was a last minute transfer student.”

“Ah yes. ‘Ko-kun,’ you were saying.”

“Well...I think it might be him. I only started noticing it recently, but I definitely feel differently towards him. Like I can’t describe it any other way besides love.”

“So you’re in love with him.”

“Not...exactly.”

“Are you sure? Because that sounds like love to me.”

“No, it’s not really love if I don’t want to be in love with him. It’s not that simple.” Jeez, talking about this felt really weird. “I just want to keep being with him even if we aren’t together. Actually, I would prefer it if we weren’t together. I just want to keep being friends without something like this complicating things.”

“That’s what you tell yourself, yet you feel differently,” said Izuru, observantly. “It may not complicate things as much as you might think. If the circumstances are right, it may even simplify things.”

“Hey, that’s assuming that he feels the same way about me, which I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.”

“So that’s why you’re saying no to yourself like this and denying that you’re in love?”

“I’m not in love with him! I told you it’s not that simple.” I scratched the back of my head. “But sometimes, when I’m with him, it’s enough to convince me that it’s real.”

Izuru kicked a rock with his shoe and looked back at me meaningfully. “What is it about him that makes it seem real?”

I considered the question carefully. All sorts of things really, now that I thought about it. “...His smile. His smile is really nice. He always has this really cheerful aura about him, and it’s pretty infectious. It’s like I always just want to see him happy. He’s always so nice to me, he has a great sense of humor, and I just feel good being around him,” I answered. “He gets really sad sometimes, and he always comes to me first when that happens. And, well, in turn it feels like he looks out for me.”

“How are you so sure he doesn’t feel the same way you do, then?”

“It just doesn’t feel like it has any potential. Like, a friendship is all it’s ever going to be.” I sighed. “Plus he has this weird thing about being touched.”

“Is he at all obsessive compulsive?”

“No, not really,” I went on. I felt like kind of a jerk, going on about myself like this. “He just doesn’t want me touching him for some reason. Well no, he’s hugged me a couple of times before so that isn’t necessarily true, but I think it’s something about people directly touching his skin. There have been a couple of times that I’ve touched his skin and he immediately pulled away, and there have even been a few times when he just outright told me not to.”

“Perhaps he’s only nervous,” Izuru suggested.

“Or maybe he just doesn’t want people touching him,” I retorted.

“Alright, alright. I’m just putting it out there. You don’t need to pay me any mind. Like I said, I don’t know very much about these things. All I’m saying is is that you shouldn’t overlook the possibilities,” he told me.

"I get worried about him sometimes with things like this," I admitted. "Like, sometimes when he doesn't tell me things that I want to help him with or just sort of closes up when I talk to him. It can be stressful sometimes."

He paused for a moment, as if considering something. “How is this different than being in love with a girl? Just out of curiosity.”

That took me by surprise. “Well,” I breathed. “It’s really not all that different. I mean, it took me a while to realize I liked guys because it’s not considered normal and it’s not strange for people of the same gender to be together just for the sake of enjoying each other’s company. I think it’s the same with falling for someone like that. It’s like, you want to be with them all the time because you really like them and want to make them happy and you want them to like you back, but you can’t say it’s not for romantic reasons. Other than that, it’s not that different from liking a girl. Well, maybe you can understand the person a little better.”

“That sounds complicated.”

“Mmm…I guess I can’t explain it very well.” What was there to overlook, really? We were friends. Komaeda didn’t really have any friends besides me, so I didn’t really have any way of knowing if he acted differently around me than with other people. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure.”

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I checked it, and saw a text from my dad asking me where the hell I was. We had been walking a lot longer than I had thought. It was already almost noon. “Crap. We should probably head back.”

“Is that father?”

“You know it.”

 

H: on a walk. Izuru’s with me. See you soon.

 

We talked a lot on the way back. It wasn’t quite the way things used to be, but still. Things were improving. Izuru was a person again, and we were brothers again. We didn’t have to be separated by visiting hours or the dying battery on our cell phones. I was relieved, so very relieved to have him back. Him being alive was enough, no matter how long it took him to recover. I just wanted to talk to him the entire way back. I was thankful that he let me.

We got home, Izuru had a nice little reunion with dad, and we all ate a late breakfast together. The rest of the day was slow. I didn’t feel like doing much besides being with my brother, however insignificant it may have felt to anyone else, that was really all I wanted to do. I spent a lot of the day doing chores and cleaning up around my house just to make it look like I was keeping myself occupied. Actually, it was more or less Izuru’s idea since he’s such a clean freak. At least certain parts of him hadn’t changed. I couldn’t deny that the house needed it. Everything was dusty, the windows were stained, my room was a disaster and so was my dad’s and the living room, and I hadn’t really noticed until Izuru brought it up. Hey, I live on the edge.  

The doorbell rang around 3:45, and I ignored it at first since solicitors usually come to our house around 4:00 or so. When the person rang the doorbell again, I peeked out the window to see who it was. Instead of a solicitor, and speak of the devil, it was Komaeda. I had completely forgot that he was coming over to drop off my backpack. I had left it at school the day before and he took it home with him to return it to me. I always told him that he didn’t have to bring me my stuff all the time, that I was responsible for always forgetting it, but he always just said that he wanted to. I drew in a small breath, watching him just standing there patiently. It wasn’t fair how he made me feel like this. Stop making me happy to see you, dammit.

I opened the door for him, and upon seeing me, he grinned big. I have no idea why YA novels always go on about how attraction affects your heart, because for me my attraction towards him didn’t really do much to my heart whereas my stomach was under a complete shitstorm.

“Hey. Komaeda.”

“Hey! I’ve got your backpack.” He handed it over to me.

“Thanks. Really.” I took it from him, straps first. “Um, were you just dropping this off, or were you going to--”

“Ah, Hinata-kun, I didn’t know you already had guests over,” he said, peering over my shoulder. “Who’s this?”

I looked behind me, and Izuru had stopped in the middle of the living room holding a plastic canister of window cleaner wearing a pair of rubber gloves with a handkerchief over his face. “Um,” he said, removing the handkerchief. “Hello.”

“Uh, yeah….this is Izuru, actually.”

Komaeda’s eyes widened at him. He smiled again, letting himself in the house and walking right past me. “Really!? Y-you’re Izuru? Oh wow, I….I didn’t even recognize you, sorry about that!”

Izuru looked a tad alarmed. “I’m sorry, do I…?”

Komaeda laughed a little. “Oh, sorry. It’s been awhile, so I don’t know why I expected you to remember me. I’m Nagito Komaeda. Hina-- er, Hajime-kun and I went to elementary school together, remember?”

Izuru arched his eyebrows. He remembered the name. He took off his right glove, grasped Komaeda’s hand, and shook it. “Vaguely. I remember that you were a friend of his.”

It took me a second to realize what was happening. Komaeda was shaking hands with Izuru. Direct skin contact. Without so much as a hint of hesitation, and he had even seemed eager. Why?

“It’s great to see you again. You look a lot different now. Your hair is super long!”

“It’s gotten a little long, I suppose.”

“It’s amazing. It’s so pretty.”

“Um,” I spoke up, breaking their conversation. “Where you just here dropping off my backpack? Or were you going to stay for a while? You can stay, if you want.”

“Ah, that’s right. I guess I was just here to drop that off,” he admitted. “But, um, is it ok if I stay for a bit? I mean, even though I hadn’t planned on it, your brother’s here, and I want to catch up a little, and--”

“Are you certain you want to stay?” Izuru questioned. “We’re just cleaning the house. It’s not terribly exciting.”

“I can help you! Really, it’s not like I have anything better to do today.”

I laughed. “I would kind of feel bad if I just made you do chores for us. You don’t have to.”

“But I want to,” said Komaeda. “I’d be happy for any opportunity to hang out with you guys.” I knew he wasn’t specifically referring to me, but still. I really wanted him to stay. I really wanted to talk to him, it didn’t matter what it was about. So I handed him an apron and told him to start dusting. He happily complied.

It was kind of nice, actually. Komaeda and Izuru didn’t talk very much, but that was to be expected. He was able to acknowledge light conversation with a little more ease. It felt good seeing him talking to someone else more easily. Nobody had to mention “that,” or even imply it. We just cleaned and talked until there wasn’t anything left to be done. There were several instances where Komaeda’s hand almost accidentally brushed against mine reaching for something. I wanted that possibility to become reality, and didn’t even bother telling myself it wasn’t true. Looking at his happy face made it seem too real to say no. Komaeda went home after the house was declared immaculate. Komaeda said goodbye and told us he wanted to see us again soon before Izuru left.

I wanted it to be soon.

The second Komaeda was out of earshot, Izuru leaned forward toward my ear. “You’re overthinking this.”

“Oh shut up.”

 

--

 

(Izuru pov)

 

In general, I’m not very compatible with other human beings. Even before I spiraled into depression I had little desire to speak with others, partially out of contempt. I find most people easy to figure out almost immediately, and quickly grow bored with them since there is nothing more to solve about them, no complexity. They all praised me, and I hated it. Because I knew that without that praise I would be abandoned, and then I would truly be alone, which I didn’t want. I wanted people in my life, but then I didn’t, like a night and day of companionship. I found solving my own problems to be much more meaningful if I solved them myself. I didn’t rely on others. I didn’t confide in anyone, and I liked it that way. I considered myself independent. I had actually managed to trick myself into thinking I wanted nothing to do with the people around me, so long as they did nothing that affected me directly. So long as they flicked their eyes in my direction every so often but left me to my own devices, I would be alright.  

Once I realized I was wrong, the loneliness was overwhelming.

Slowly, the days that I couldn’t control my sadness increased, and along with it, voices. I had no idea why I was sad, I simply was. I kept telling myself that I would be alright, that I would sort myself out eventually, because I always did. I kept telling myself that until I completely lost control of my emotions. I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t understand myself. If I didn’t understand myself, who would? Would I actually have to ask someone for help because I didn’t know what to do? Out of the question. Nobody understood me better than myself, so what was the point even? As my condition got worse and my voices got louder, I was referred to a doctor, a therapist, really any profession you can imagine for dealing with broken children. I turned them all down, foolishly believing I could solve it on my own, which deep inside, I sincerely knew I could not. It wasn’t long after that that I realized I wanted help. I wanted someone to help me, speak to me in a gentle voice, listen to my problems and tell me everything would be fine. But no. I denied it. Everyone around me was too annoying and it made me so angry. I had never needed help before and I didn’t need it now.

I wanted someone to talk to. About anything, it didn’t even have to be about me. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I tried reaching out, I tried to tell the people I considered closest that I wanted them to be there for me, but it all came out wrong. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t express my feelings, I had lost the ability to convey such things to others a long time ago. I asked my younger brother for guidance, but ended up ruining everything in doing so with my selfish, stubborn ways. I was all alone when I needed someone the most. This was my punishment. Penance for my ignorance. All my life I had ignored the love and concern of those around me, and now that I wanted it I could no longer have it. Fine. That’s great. I’ll play along with divine judgement, why the hell not? Shut everyone out for good, accept my fate and move on. Eventually I completely lost the ability to communicate with others. I didn’t want to communicate, it didn’t matter to me anymore. It wasn’t relevant to me, so I just stopped trying. I didn’t care. I stopped caring about everything. The voices, my sadness, even being alive.

That was a long time ago.

 

--

 

Upon officially telling my school that I wouldn’t be attending classes for a while and informing them of the situation, they gladly promised to regularly send me guided schoolwork and homework to help me keep up. All it takes is a little sympathy to make people go out of their way. I had been doing all of my schoolwork from home, and they gave me plenty to do. I even took my exams from home. It was quite convenient, simultaneously letting me avoid my grades to slip and avoid other people. Though I would probably also have to attend a summer cram school if I didn’t want to get held back a year. My therapist told me that the pressure of constantly interacting with others was the root of most of my anxiety, and if the anxiety got too powerful my voices might come back. Ironic, is it not? That was the first emotion I was able to remember. Stress. Anxiety. Still, I embraced it. Negative or not, feelings are feelings. But I digress.

During the time that I was visiting my brother, I had to bring a large stack of my makeshift school work with me. Technically I didn’t have to do the work on the weekends, but I started on Sunday anyway just to get ahead. Hajime had a lot of homework too, so it seemed like a good day to do it. Most of it was easy, but I just couldn’t focus for some reason. Perhaps I just needed a change of scenery. I asked Hajime if there was anywhere good in the neighborhood I could go to do my work. He gave me directions to a small coffee shop near his school, which wasn’t very far from the house. I decided to go, since I needed to get outside anyway and I might as well since it wouldn’t seem at all strange for a high schooler to go in on a weekend. I gathered up my things, bundled up in a jacket and scarf, and started on my way. The weather was nice. It was overcast, but there weren’t many hints of rain. It was cold and windy, not that I minded. I rather preferred cold weather to warm weather. Heat in the summertime made me want to dig my eye out with a spoon.

The coffee shop was a small establishment across the street from the high school, and the large windows had a good view of it. Upon entering, I saw there was a small line formed in front of the counter, which I was thankful for. I hate the feeling of being stared at expectantly by an employee while you’re still deciding what to order. Do they not know it doesn’t make deciding things go any faster? A line gave me time to work it out without being bothered by such things.

I don’t know why I didn’t expect there to be a problem when the time came for me to order. I knew what I wanted, I felt confident, I had all but forgotten. But when the barista looked me in the eyes, the words became caught in my throat. I tried to choke them out, but all that I could muster came out was almost nothing at all. I thought I was ready for this. I had gravely overestimated myself in that regard.

The employee, a stocky, short haired brunette woman dressed in all black and donning red framed glasses attempting to conceal the dark circles under her eyes, (probably an art school student working long shifts to pay for her steep student loans, though I could be wrong) looked at me with an expression half confused and half concerned. “Can I get you anything?” she asked.

I clenched my fists on the counter, not daring to look her in the eyes again. Breathe, breathe, even breaths, count backwards from seven. My discomfort must have been fairly obvious, since the barista asked me if I was alright. I nodded, still not able to fully conjure up the words. If I didn’t look her in the eyes, I would be fine. “I’m...s-so sorry, I…um...” I pressed the backs of my fingers to my forehead in frustration. “A...a l-lemon chamomile. Please.”

“A lemon chamomile tea? What size?”

“Tall. And...and for here.”

“Ok, Is that everything for you?”

“Y-yes.”

“Three seventy-five is your total. We’ll have it out for you soon.”

“Thank you.” I paid for my drink, tipped the employee, and hurried off to find a table. Damn. It would still be awhile before I could go back to school after all. Though I was improving. My drink came a few minutes later after I had laid out my school work, quicker than I thought it would. The woman behind the counter must have felt sorry for me, but I wasn’t able to garner much gratefulness. I would prefer normal treatment over pity any day.

I put my hair up to keep it out of my eyes, and I worked for a few solid hours. It was a little relaxing, since the atmosphere was warm and my tea was quite good. I got a good bit done, because as I said before, most of it was very easy. I had always found school easy, even though I barely tried at it. I was able to break subjects down easily and figure out what instructors wanted from me and was able to use those to my advantage. My teachers and parents called it “gifted intelligence,” which irritated me to no end. I wasn’t even making an effort to impress anyone, and I hated the attention that it attracted. It was like that with everything. Whenever I expressed an interest in anything and performed well, be it art or music or sports, everyone would tell me I was oh so above average, some kind of genius, and that only hastened my boredom with that particular field. I had been bored with school for years and years, and I was only pulling through because graduation meant that I might not ever have to do it again and everyone would leave me alone. That was a year and a half from now if I wasn't held back. But then, they would probably send me off to college and expect of me a great career. I just wanted to live so that I could be proud of myself without worrying about people commentating on my every move like some sort of twisted basketball game. Well, nobody can predict the future, and anyone who claims that they can are full of themselves, so I just had to endure it all for now and see what would happen.

I had long finished my tea and didn’t feel obligated to work anymore, so I sort of just stared out the window looking at the passerbies. I didn’t see anyone particularly interesting. I began getting up to leave until my eyes fell upon a particular boy in a black raincoat with messy, platinum white hair. He saw me looking at him through the window, and he smiled and waved at me. I gave a slight wave back, as it would have been rude to ignore him. I watched as he walked briskly around to the door, and the ringing of the bell above the shop’s doorframe announced his coming.

Nagito Komaeda was a friend of Hajime’s. Well, perhaps “love interest” is a better term. I really don’t know all that much about love or infatuation, but my brother’s interest in this certain individual is almost amusing. He always goes on about how he isn’t “technically” in love with him, but the way he looks at him and talks to him makes it obvious that he wants to be with him. I was a little surprised that he had fallen for a boy, since he had never expressed much of an agenda pertaining to that field at all. I didn’t care about his preferences as long as he was happy. I did not remember very much about Komaeda from when we were children, other than his hair having been more of a healthier light brown instead of snowy white. Honestly, I found him a little strange. He laughed or smiled at strange times in some instances, he was quite talkative, and was excessively clingy towards Hajime. He was probably rather socially inept considering his clinginess, and he didn’t seem to be making an obvious effort to stand out. He was just like that, and he seemed blissfully unaware of his overall oddness. He was fairly easy to read. I couldn’t quite understand what Hajime saw in him, but as I have stated before, I don’t know very much about love.

He happily approached my table as I was gathering my things. He would have to speak first, or this could get very awkward very fast. I wouldn’t know what to say.

“Hi Izuru-kun! I didn’t expect to see you.”

“Hello, u-um…” I responded waveringly. “Komaeda-san, was it?”

“Uh-huh, that’s me,” he chirped. “Wow, you remember my name. I didn’t expect you to. Is it ok if I sit?” He gestured to the empty seat across from me.

To be perfectly frank, I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially not one so talkative who might go on about pointless subjects that I couldn’t care less about. But Komaeda seemed to really want to spend time with me, so I was hardly in a position to make such a rude comment. It’s not like I would have been able to say it anyway. I set my things down. “Sure, go ahead.”

He promptly took his seat and smiled at me. “I’m glad I ran into you. Isn’t this a nice coincidence?”

“Yes, it...it certainly is.”

“I mean, we didn’t really get to talk much yesterday. I had wanted to talk to you more.”

“Mhmm.” My eyes stayed averted.

I could see his smile fade a little in my peripheral vision “Hey, is everything ok?”

My head snapped up, and I accidentally made eye contact. My first instinct was to look away again, and I don’t know why, but I managed to force myself to keep our eyes locked. It was more difficult to make my words come out. “Y-yes, I’m just fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He laughed a little. “Oh, sorry. Am I coming on weird about all this?” Now it was his turn to avert his eyes. “Sorry, sorry, I’m just a bit nervous, to be honest. I haven’t seen you in a long time, and, well...I’m just happy to see you. And your hair, I mean...wow, it’s so long and pretty.”

“It’s alright. No worries.” Very weird. To the best of my knowledge, we had not had much of a connection during childhood. Perhaps he was also a little foolhardy in considering every acquaintance of his to be his friend. I was a little too frustrated with myself to worry about this. My sentences were reduced to blurbs not exceeding five syllables, so it was likely that I seemed like the strange one at that particular moment.

Despite this, I was able to hold a conversation for longer than I thought I was able to. It helped that Komaeda didn’t really notice that I was struggling, and was able to keep the conversation going enough on his own. Even though I had to rely on the other person to hold my ground, we were able to talk for a while, despite my nagging urge to return home. He asked me how I was, I lied and said things were going well and in turn asked him how he was faring. He did most of the talking, so all I had to do was nod my head and respond accordingly. I was surprised to find it was actually rather pleasant. It had been a long time since I had had the luxury of another person’s company who wasn’t a family member.  

“So how long are you visiting for?”

“I’m leaving in about a week. I haven’t seen Hajime or my father in a long time, so I decided to lengthen my visit to next weekend.”

“Next weekend? Don’t you have to go to school?”

My heart nearly hitched as I realized my mistake. “I-I do my schooling from home. I don’t attend public school. That’s actually what I was doing before you came here. Schoolwork, I mean.”

“Ah, I see.” He rested his face on his palm and smiled. “It’s like homeschooling then. Does your mom teach you, or do you have a tutor or something?”

“Not exactly. I just do it myself.”

“What grade are you in, Izuru-kun?” He was about to say something else, but cut himself short. “Sorry, is it ok that I’m calling you that? I don’t want to call you Hinata since that’s a bit confusing, so is it alright if I call you by your first name instead?”

“I don’t particularly care,” I dismissed. “I’m in my eleventh year. I’m turning seventeen in January. Hajime and I have the same birthday.”

“Wow, you’re only a year older than me. And you have to learn all of your schoolwork yourself without an instructor?” Komaeda asked, a bit of bafflement in his tone. “Your brother doesn’t lie. You must still be really smart.”

“Hajime?”

“Yeah. He talks about you a lot,” he beamed.

Likewise, I thought. “I suppose we don’t exactly get to visit with each other often enough.”

“Do you talk about him too?”

I looked at him, confused. “Who would I talk about him to?”

“Hm? Oh, I dunno. Your friends?”

Aha. I clenched my fists under the table and looked down at my lap. I didn’t like that word. It only reminded me all too well of how alone I was and how much I had hated the idea of them before. Funny how something you previously believed to drag you down becoming something you would give anything to rely on. I began to choke on my words again. “I d-don’t...I mean, I don’t know what…”

Komaeda looked at me with a concerned expression. “Yeah?”

“I d-don’t have those.”

He paused. “What?”

“Friends, I mean. I don’t h-have those.”

“You don’t…?” He asked, uneasily. “Really?”

“...It’s n-not...it’s not th-that unusual, is it?”

“No, it’s fine, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’m just a little surprised is all.”

I gradually looked back up at him. “W-why is it surprising?”

Komaeda leaned back in his chair. “Well I mean, it’s more common than not for people to have friends, so that’s part of it, but...I’m just surprised that you don’t, of all people.”

“Why me?” I asked.

“I guess I should’ve thought of asking since you do school from home. But even so, you just seem to me like the kind of person who would have a lot of friends.”

“I don’t know why in the world you would assume that.”

It was almost as if his smile was taunting me. “Well, because you have a certain aura about you, I guess. And you’re very talented, too.”

I didn’t look up.

Komaeda chuckled. “I’m sure you don’t remember much about me, but I have a pretty good memory. I remember you were always really smart and talented when we were kids. I was so jealous of how good you were at drawing. Your portraits were really good.”

Here came the praise. I had to cut him off before it grew more pervasive. “I gave up drawing portraits a long time ago. Besides, those were drawings done by a child. They were absolute garbage.”

“Really?” Komaeda said thoughtfully. “I thought they were good.”

“I don’t even like drawing. It’s repetitive and it takes too long and the end piece is never worth it.”

Komaeda chuckled again. “You really haven’t changed, have you?”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“You’ve always been like this. You never liked it when somebody complimented you, always the mature and collected one.” He played with a fraying piece of wood flaking off our table as he spoke. “I thought you were so cool.”

I hated this. I hated it when people praised me, I hated it when they acted like I was oh so special like I was different than everyone else. “I’m not talented.” I’m the same as you, why can’t you see that?

“You don’t think so?” Komaeda looked up at me, fondly and innocently. “You should be proud of your talents. I don’t have any, so I was pretty much born useless. But people like you give others hope, right? You have the power to inspire people towards greatness, and I think that’s so amazing.”

The problem with not feeling emotions for half a year is that when they come back, you stupidly decide to openly embrace all of them. For me, that included hate and anger. In this moment, I embraced my hate. “I never even cared about impressing anyone,” I followed up coldly. I could hear the poison laced between my words as my voiced steadily crescendoed upward. “I hated drawing more than anything else. I hated drawing, I hated painting, and I hated hated hated all of those things! The only reason I kept on biting my tongue and pursuing them is because I didn’t want to be abandoned! But they just won’t leave me alone!! To them I’m just some goddamn doll who performs above average and that’s all! I don’t want to be praised, I don’t want to be told that I’m talented, and why isn’t it enough that I can just try to enjoy my life without all of these people who don’t get it!!?   

Komaeda drew back a little, visibly rattled by my outburst. In my fit of anger, I had nearly forgotten he was there.

“Oh...I’m sorry.”

 

I had done something wrong again, I could tell. I hadn’t meant for that to come out sounding so cruel, but it had. I had lost control of my reaction. Reflecting on our conversation so far, he had been complimenting me. Shit. I was supposed to thank him, not yell at him. I should at least apologize.

“I’m sorry,” I said earnestly. “I d-didn’t mean for that to...”

“No no, it’s fine!” Komaeda said as he held up the palms of his hands so that they were visible to me. “I get it if you don’t want to be complemented. I know it can be a little awkward. I’ll make sure not to--”

“No,” I cut him off once more. “It...it’s m-my fault.”

“Don’t be silly, Izuru-kun! It’s not your fault at all.”

“No…..” That’s all I could muster. This was bad. I couldn’t finish my sentences.

“Um...no…uh...”

My head was beginning to hurt again. I couldn’t keep going like this. I had made too many mistakes and wanted to give up and run away. I reminded myself that running away wouldn’t solve anything. I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone, it just wasn’t worth the effort. His voice snapped me out of my near panic, and I realized my head was in my hands and I was shaking a little.

“Izuru-kun, what’s wrong?” Komaeda sounded quite alarmed. Did I really look that afraid? “I mean, is something wrong? Why are you shaking?”

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice breathy and nearly a whisper. I made an effort to evenly space my breathing, careful not to relapse into my state of worry. “This is nothing…”

Komaeda was still panicking a bit. “It’s not nothing! Are you ok!?”

“I’m fine!” When I looked up from my hands I saw that there were more than a few patrons staring at us. “I’m just fine,” I repeated in a lower tone. I let my hands rest on the table, albeit my fists clenched and my eyes tightly shut in concentration. This was absolutely humiliating. My head ached so badly, it felt like it was forcibly splitting itself open. I was frustrated, mainly with myself for not being able to speak or understand how to interact and giving up so easily when I finally started to get somewhere...

Without a word, the white haired boy grasped my hands, still clenched into fists. He pried them open with his fingers, and firmly held my hands in his, which were still shaking. When I opened my eyes, he was gently massaging the back of my hands with his thumbs. I looked up at him, slowly, but he wouldn’t look back at me. He seemed a great deal focused on what he was doing.

“I’m...not quite sure what’s wrong, but,” he said hesitantly, “is this better?”

My breathing was still ragged, but it was more even. The warmth of his hands. If I just focused on that, I could make everything come back into focus. “Yes…” I replied quietly.

“I’m sorry if I’m--”

“No, it’s alright.” The throbbing in my head began to subside, and along with it my near asthmatic breathing. It took a while, but I was able to somewhat return to a calmer state. Komaeda kept rubbing his thumbs up and down my knuckles, and it was strangely comforting.

He has a weird thing about being touched.

In spite of this, he was...well, he was holding my hands. I briefly took note of this for future reference.  

“Are you ok now?”

“Better.” My voice cracked.

Our eyes met as he looked up at me again. He smiled warily. “I’m not quite sure what I did, but I’m really sorry. I can be such an idiot sometimes, really.”        

I paused for a moment, working out everything I wanted to say as I continued to breath in and out. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just...I have a problem talking to others.”

“I get that. I’m not good socializing either.” He was still holding my hands.

“No, it’s different than that,” I corrected. You could hear the apprehensiveness in my voice. This was getting really embarrassing. “It’s as if I don’t know how to talk to other people altogether. I’ve only gotten this far with you because I’ve spoken with you before, and we’ve been previously acquainted, but with people I do not associate with, I simply don’t know how to speak.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“...I hadn’t meant to get so angry with you. It’s truly as if I just was never able to interact with someone.” I squeezed his hands a little tighter. “I can’t control myself when I get angry, I can’t recognize social cues or have any empathy at all, and I just can’t speak when I need to. Sometimes I can’t even speak at all.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not. It’s horrible. I used to at least be able to hold a normal conversation before…” I hesitated. “...I don’t know if Hajime has already told you this, but I was struggling with depression for a long time. I’ve done my time in therapy and taken medicine, but I lost my ability to communicate for some reason.”

“I think he told me something along the lines of that,” Komaeda muttered. “I didn’t want to bring it up since I figured it to be a rather touchy subject.”

I was able to inhale through my nose now. “I deliberately tried to shut everyone out. I didn’t want to be bothered and I didn’t want for people to badger me with false comfort when I knew it wouldn’t work. So I just isolated myself and tried to work it out on my own, thinking what better way to do it since I was the one who knew myself best, but I couldn’t figure things out at all. The days slipped away more slowly, and one day I just woke up and found out that I couldn’t talk to people anymore.”

“Not even your family?”

“I didn’t want to talk to my family. I already knew what they would say,” I answered. “What confused me the most was that even though I didn’t want anyone to come near me, I did want someone. For some reason. But that’s besides the point, I--”

“‘For some reason’...hmm.” As Komaeda’s grip loosened, the motions of his thumbs became slower. “Did you want someone to comfort you? Or did you want someone to understand you?”

“Understand…?”

He smiled sadly. “I know what that’s like because I’ve been through it myself. My parents died in a car accident when I was a child, and I went through something similar. It was after you and Hajime-kun moved away.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I consoled, trying my best to sound sympathetic.

“But my point is is that there were a ton of people who tried to comfort me with words that sounded so scripted it was almost laughable. I was passed around between relatives quite a bit before I came here to live with my aunt, so it happened a lot. Nothing they had to say could alleviate me since I knew they didn’t have the faintest idea of what I had been through. So I tried to shut everyone out and hoped it was for the best. It wasn’t for almost a year and a half that I started talking again and giving the people around me another chance.”

Understand me. Now that I thought of it, I couldn’t think of a single person who understood how I felt. Is that truly what I had wanted? Not anyone’s praise, not anyone’s comfort, but just someone’s companionship through understanding? My brother’s words echoed in my mind. I didn’t even try to understand until it was too late.

“You’re lucky, Izuru-kun. You have people who love you that are trying their best to understand you,” Komaeda went on, as if he had read my mind. “I, on the other hand, am not so blessed.”

“How do you mean?”

“I’m pretty confident that I don’t have anyone who loves me. Not to worry, I have pretty solid evidence.”

This took me slightly aback. “But that’s absurd.”

“I’m totally serious,” he replied, still smiling, strangely enough. “My relatives don’t like me because they know I’m going to inherit my parent’s money when I turn eighteen and they’re not. I don’t have very many friends, and chances are the ones that I do have will just dump me for new ones eventually. All my life I’ve been disposable and I only ever will be, and I’m just going to have to accept that.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” I managed.      

His smile faltered. “Huh?”

I let go of his hands and slid them away from him. “What is this about ‘all you ever will be?’ Please stop talking like you can predict the future, it’s annoying. Fate doesn’t exist. You create your own destiny. You can’t think of a single person who would care if you stopped existing?”

“No, not really,” he answered bluntly. His reaction surprised me.

“Not a single one? You truly are the most ignorant person I have ever met. You just assume that things will never improve if they seem bad at the time?” It was a shame really, in light of his earlier insight. I ignored his mildly offended expression. If only he knew how much he meant to my brother, he wouldn’t be saying these things. How had Hajime phrased it, not being able to describe it as anything other than love? I hated how people could be so shamelessly oblivious. Furthermore, how can this boy be so blind to that affection? It could have been that he had led such a truly loveless life that he just didn’t believe that it was possible anymore.

“I’m not ignorant,” he argued. “It’s a fact. Like I said, I can prove it.”

It was useless to natter with him, as the mindset he displayed was extremely fixed. “Fine,” I sighed. How was I going to work around this? “Is there anyone that you know that you hold affection for, at least?”

His expression changed immediately. It went from slightly annoyed, to embarrassed, to somber. “Well...there is one person. That I wouldn’t want to lose.”

“Tell me who it is.”

It was Komaeda’s turn to look away from me. “Please don’t tell him that I told you this, but there is a person who is very precious to me. That I will do absolutely anything so that I can still be with him.”

I listened intently.

“...It’s your brother. It's Hajime,” he said somberly. “Over the past few months he’s become my best friend. And now I...I often feel things towards him that I know go beyond friendship.”

I recognized enough of the keywords to know what that meant. “Run that by me again?”

He hesitated for a moment. “Izuru-kun, I am begging you with everything I can think of as collateral to not tell him that I told you this. Please promise me you won’t tell him anything I’m about to tell you.”

This sounded promising. “You have my word.”

His face was riddled with longing. I could tell. “I love Hina-- I mean Hajime-kun very much. I think about him a lot, and I always want to be with him no matter what I am to him, as long as I am something.”

“You don’t care what your role is.”

“Yes.”

“Nonsense.”

“No, I don’t--”

“It’s utter nonsense,” I defended. “You want to be apart of his life, do you not? You do care about your role if you say you always want be with him. I’m curious.” I shifted forward a little, lacing my fingers and resting my chin on them. “What do you want to be to him?”

Komaeda’s face had long gained a peculiar hue of red. “Well, to put it simply….I want him to love me.”

“...Care to expand?”

He laughed. “I feel like you’re interrogating me.” He converted back to seriousness immediately. “I think about holding hands with him and kissing him. Things like that. T-to put it plainly, I mean! So um, yes. I’m in love with him.”

Love to me is still somewhat of a mystery that I still have yet to understand. One thing that I don’t quite get is how it can be so elusive. Mind you, I find very little in this world to be elusive, but what I don’t understand is how it can be so hidden from others. If one’s affection is this strong, which I felt it was judging from Komaeda’s demeanor, how could another simply refuse to embrace the possibility? Perhaps it had something to do with Hajime’s constant denial.

“I see,” I stated simply. “So what are you doing about it?”

“Beg pardon?”

“What are you doing to get your feelings across to him?”

Komaeda burst out laughing at this. “Ah, that’s what you meant...haha…”

“Why are you laughing? I was asking you a serious question.”

“Were you, now?” he giggled. “Ahaha...get my feelings across...th-that’s very funny, Izuru-kun!”

I didn’t get what he thought was so hilarious. Had I said something wrong again? “When you have feelings for someone, you try to express them in any way you can and hope that the other feels the same way, right?”

“No.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Why?”

My company straightened himself back up. There was something different about his eyes. They seemed fiercer while still retaining their playful shine. Almost sinister. “Well...I suppose that might be what any normal someone would do in any normal situation, if they felt confident enough about themselves. Unfortunately, again, I am not so lucky to have the luxury of the mundane.”

“How is it not normal?”

“I never said it wasn’t normal,” he corrected. “I’m saying that I am not normal. I am what makes it cease to be ordinary.”

Wordlessly, I let him go on.

“You see, I want to be there for him, but don’t want him to feel like he has to depend on me. I want him to want to be with me, but not make me his number one priority. In short...I don’t want him to get too close to me.”

This made no sense to me.

“Throughout my life, there has always been a constant that I can count on, and that’s somebody leaving me.” He began playing with his fingers as if to distract himself from my gaze. “Through death maybe, or simply living on yet cutting ties with me all together. I have been hurt beyond my own current comprehension because of it on more than one occasion, and sometimes it’s my own fault. By now, I’ve just come to the conclusion that I may have to exist purely in solitude. But I think it’s happening again...I’ve found someone that I don’t want to lose no matter what. So I’m not going to make the mistake of him growing too attached to me. Because I still want to be with him.”

It’s a bit late for that.

“Why do you think he’s going to leave you?” I asked. I had been wrong. This boy could not only not see, he had closed his mind to the point of blindness. “Alright...assume that...that Hajime felt the same way about you as you do about him.”

“What? That’s stupid. He doesn’t.”

“I’m not asking you for your opinion, I’m asking you what if,” I said more curtly than I had intended. Komaeda was getting on my last nerve with his nonsensical views, and I wasn’t about to let him win. “What if he told you that he wanted to be with you always, and returned your feelings? Would you still believe that he would leave you by choice or otherwise?”

He considered the question carefully. “Absolutely.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am. Because even if I could be with him like that, I will still be anything less than perfect.”

“Um...Excuse me?”

Komaeda shifted in his seat, laced his fingers, and held them to his lips. “I’ve told you before, I’m not normal. And if my relationship with Hajime were to become any more intimate than it already is, he would see who I really am. The trashy, ugly person that I really am. The boy who did something so terrible that everyone hated him for it while sewing their ears shut to his pleas of remorse. Hajime is truly a perfect being, and I in turn cannot be anything less than perfect or he will see the ugliest parts of me. And I will do anything in my power to keep that from happening. And if it does, I’ll have no choice to make him afraid of me.”

Komaeda hadn’t noticed that a bit of the sleeve on his loose sweater had slid down his arm. I observed several red scratches lining his wrists in a horizontal fashion. Some had faded, but some were more prominent, more recent. I tilted my head towards them. “Careful. Your imperfection is showing.”

Komaeda promptly looked down and quickly covered his wrist with his sleeve. He looked shaken. I could tell that it was something that I wasn’t meant to see. But he laughed again, weakly, trying to cover up his discomfort. I found it absolutely horrifying. “Ah yes, these...they were the result of somebody leaving me. All because they grew too close to me.” He sighed, still tightly clutching his wrist. “I thought about killing myself over it, you know. But I’m so glad I didn’t! I decided to live, and I’ve been given a second chance! A chance to not screw things up, a chance to actually keep someone special to me, a chance to live with someone who doesn’t hate me, a chance to…” he eventually trailed off as his voice grew weaker and weaker. All that was left was an expression of pure sorrow and torment. Suffering. It was a familiar face that I had seen many times in the mirror above the bathroom sink. “I just want to be with him,” he squeaked. “He doesn’t have to  love me, I just want to always be by his side, and he can never find out who I really am.”

I could tell that this boy didn’t even believe half the words he was saying. Maybe he just believed that if he spat them loudly and often enough, he might believe them one day. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine is what I had said to myself. I had no idea what he was referring to regarding “what he did” or “who he lost” or “what happened,” but I felt no desire to push the matter any further. It would only complicate things and make matters even worse. I recognized by now that the person before me was not only in emotional turmoil, but also anguish.

As a rule, I don’t usually like other people. My brother’s friend was no different. I found him utterly ignorant and irritating with the ideals that he had displayed to me. But in this moment, I was able to see myself in him, and for some reason or another it flicked on a switch in my head. I not only wanted him to regain his senses. Now, genuinely, I wanted to help him.

I held up two fingers. “I have two things to say to you, Komaeda-san.”

“...Yes?”

“One. Not all people are the same.”

He perked up a little.

“I want you to have a bit more faith in Hajime than you are making obvious to me. From what you’re telling me, it sounds like you see him as an untouchable with only an appreciation for the superficial. I have little idea why you would think he would detach himself from you simply for the reason that you are broken.”

“B-because--”

“Because everyone before you has? That is not a viable excuse.” At this point, I was surprised to feel little anxiety in speaking to him. The words practically dispensed themselves. “I shouldn’t have to remind you that I myself am broken, and for the longest time believed beyond repair, and despite my doubts about literally everything else in the world, I can still find it in me to be able to sleep at night because I know that Hajime will never abandon me. I don’t know what kind of demented sense of morals the people who left you on their own accord had, but I can assure you that Hajime is not like that. He doesn’t give up on people. And I also know…” I paused, making sure I wouldn’t let slip anything too crucial. “That he cherishes your friendship very much.”

Komaeda tried to say something, but quickly withdrew it. He couldn’t come up with anything.

“Second. Perfection is the most unfortunate flaw that a person can have.”

“What are you talking about? Perfection is the absolute form of purity in--”

“I attended primary school, I know the definition,” I shot. I wanted to say that I spoke from experience, but that would have sounded irredeemably vain. “Displaying perfection will only push people away from you, not towards you. People are connected by the shadows they cast in the light of everyday life. Truly becoming close to someone is embracing your flaws and finding that the other can relate and understand and help you through it. If you are perfect and act like you have no flaws, you will always seem out of reach and never even begin to get to know someone. I know this because in my life I cannot even count all of the people I have pushed away, my brother included. And seeing you like this, I don’t want you to end up like I did. Don’t think that there is not a point to where you can push so many people away that you come to hate everyone in your life, because I can assure you, there is. So please, I beg you, Komaeda-san.” As much as it hurt me, I locked eyes with him, refusing to release. “Do not push people away anymore. If you do, you become blind to who truly cares about you and is willing to help you. My brother is by no means perfect, and that is a primary reason that you are still with him. So please, for your sake and Hajime’s sake, please just stop. If you truly want to be with someone, you can’t afford to avoid the risk of showing them who you really are.”

Komaeda was completely silent. His lips were parted, speechless. It was almost as if my voice was cut off by the silence, not the other way around. I saw that he wanted to say something, but couldn’t. Instead, he bit his bottom lip and stared down at his lap.

“Hajime told me that you don’t like touching him.”

Still, silence.

“He’s worried about you.”

Silence. He bit down harder.

“Don’t you see that you’re pushing him farther away by doing this to yourself?”

“It…” he voiced, barely speaking. “It’s hard.”

“What is?”

“I want to touch him so badly. I want to tell him how I feel and I want to show him the scars and I just want his arms around me, and sometimes I can’t help myself,” he said, almost whispering. “But I can’t. I just can’t bring myself to because I’ve done it before and it ended so badly. I want to get over that and move on, but I just can’t. I’m stuck.”

“He’ll help you get unstuck. I’ll help you.”

Pause. “Do you really think,” he wavered, unsure, “that I could grow closer without getting hurt again?”

“You can try.” It was all I could think of. “Even if he doesn’t return your feelings, I can promise you that he won’t abandon you.”

No response.

“I’m not saying you have to do it all right away. Just don’t--”

Komaeda cut me off. “I know. I just...” He let his shoulders fall, releasing his tense stature. “L-listen, I have to go. I have a lot of homework to do this evening. It w-was nice catching up with you.” He slid out of his seat, put his coat back on, and slung his bag back over his shoulder.

I knew what he was doing. He was running away from me, just like he was running away from everything else. I didn’t choose to verbally acknowledge this. Instead, I simply said “Likewise.” I couldn’t make his decisions for him. This was it, and all I could do was watch it unfold. “Take care of yourself.”

“Um...I appreciate you looking out for me, but I think I can handle this on my own.” I wanted to slap him in the face for saying that. It felt like he was mocking me. “Maybe I’ll see you again before you leave town?”

“Perhaps.”

“Ok, well...see you around.”

All I heard was the ringing of the bell above the door, and he was gone within seconds.

I had no reason to stay. Following suit, I gathered my things back up and left without a word.

Komaeda’s words clung to me tighter than the cold air nipping at my face on the walk home. It was more haunting than infuriating. Had I regained enough emotions to do so, I might have gotten angry. That anyone could have such a frame of mind, not wanting to be loved so he could stay with who he loved, was not something I had ever encountered. What sort of past that helped him to come to this “conclusion” of his was beyond me. I shouldn’t have cared what happened to him or what he felt or what he had gone through, but I did. The context of my concern was still unknown to me. Still, maybe it was a sign that I was becoming that much more human. Concern. I had forgotten about that one. I didn’t like it.

I mulled over what he had told me too. When I had nearly broken down talking to him. Hajime had used the term with me before. Understanding. Ridiculous. There was nobody who understood how I was feeling. Not even remotely close. But...that wasn’t to say that it didn’t sound appealing. For someone to know exactly what I’m going through and be able to know when I needed help and when I didn’t. But there weren’t any people like that. None.

Wait. No…

I swung open the screen door, only to find the front door was locked. One more tiny inconvenience did nothing to improve my mood. With a groan, I took out my key, turned it in the lock, and let myself in. The sudden warm, cozy atmosphere of the house made my cheeks sting even more. What greeted me was my father doing paperwork at the dining room table. Upon my entering, he looked up at me and smiled. “Hey there. How’d the homework go?”

I took off my coat and scarf and hung them up. “Fine. I got a good bit done. Is Hajime still home?”

“He should be in his room. Oh, I have something for you.”

My father got up from his chair and went into the kitchen. He came out holding a small white medicine bottle with a yellow label. “Here.”

“What is this?”

“Sleep medicine,” he responded. “Your mom called me and told me that you were having trouble sleeping, so I picked some up for you. I don’t know if it’ll help, but I thought it was worth a try.”

I held the bottle tighter. “Thank you.”

“Hey, anything to help you get better. Let me know if you need anything else.”

“Ok. I will,” I said, meaning it. “You said Hajime is in his room?”

“Should be.”

My brother’s house only has one story, so it was easy to get to. I simply headed down the hallway, and it was the second door to the left. As I was about to open the door, I stopped. I looked down at the medicine bottle my father had given me. The medicine might not even do anything. And besides, I wasn’t really supposed to mix anything else with the medication I was on, but still. It gave me a strange surge of comfort. He didn’t know, but he was trying. The same went for Hajime. Nobody understood what could be done to make me feel better, how I felt, or how to revert me back to how I was. But there were a special few who were trying to understand me. And even then, how could I expect them to fully understand when I hadn’t done anything to help them do so? I hadn’t been open, I hadn’t tried when those around me were trying so hard.

With this in mind, I gave a small knock on the door.

“Come in,” was the muffled response.

I opened the door, and my brother, laying on his bed and wearing the glasses that he hated so much, looked up from his book and smiled at me. “You’re back. How was the school stuff?”

“It went well. I ran into the object of your affection while I was out and we spoke briefly.”

“What, you mean Komaeda? I really wish you would stop calling him that.”

“Yes, him. Other than that it was quite uneventful.”

Hajime took off his glasses and got up to shelve his book. “Glad to hear it. I was able to get some stuff done too.”

You’ve been trying. With that forced smile, you’ve been trying. You’ve been trying to understand me for my sake.

My field of vision fell upon a particular corner of Hajime’s desk. There was a video game joystick that connected to the console in the living room rested upon it. I walked over and picked it up.

“Hajime.”

“Hmm?”

“Play a game with me.”

Hajime looked a bit startled at my proposal. “A game? Like a video game? Izuru, you don’t even like those.”

It was true that I had never displayed a deep interest in video games. While some had interesting plots or gameplay, they all ended up too easy, even on the highest difficulty setting. “I’m willing to give it another try. Do you have any cooperative games on the console?”

“Uh...well, I have Portal, Charlie Murder, Borderlands….

“I’ve never even heard of any of those. You pick one.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

We spent the rest of the evening playing video games. There really isn’t that much more to say. I will admit, the particular game that was chosen did turn out a bit dull, but it was lightened by having someone play alongside me. I would have quickly lost interest if I was playing by myself. I was a little staggered to find myself enjoying it, just a little. I hadn’t shared a moment like this with Hajime in a long time, just enjoying each other’s company and not caring what it was we were doing as long as it came to that. Not having to worry about each other.  

Even if he didn’t understand what I was feeling, he was still trying. I was going to help him to understand so that we could share these moments more often. I wanted to understand him, too. I wanted to know more about his affection toward his friend, and I wanted to help him understand what he was feeling. I at least wanted to try. It was the first time in a long time that I had wanted to try at anything. 

I even shared a sliver of this notion with Komaeda, who had also lived much of his life without understanding or common ground, or so it seemed. Remembering his face while we were talking in the coffee shop was proof enough. The obvious pain and torment hiding behind the deceiving shine in his eyes. I genuinely hoped that he and my brother could be together, so that they could both at least achieve some level of love and understanding. Was it so selfish to hope for that if it was what they both wanted?

Understanding. Is that what it all boiled down to?

I had missed worrying about my brother like this.

Notes:

Thanks for reading! Again sorry for the delay I really wanted to get this chapter just right and I really wanted to go a bit deeper with Izuru so yeah thats my excuse :).
Until next chapter! (And hopefully it won't take three weeks).

Chapter 7: Fireworks and Loss

Summary:

Hinata tries to get out of climbing a tree.

Notes:

The song featured in this chapter is "Hang 'em High" by My Chemical Romance (I'm sorry, please don't send me hate). Enjoy!

(Komaeda pov)

This was going to sound strange no matter how I worded it. So, since it was a waste of time to worry about it, I just picked up my phone and decided to get it over with. I dialed Hinata’s number and waited for him to pick up, sitting on my bed with my legs crossed.

“Hey Ko. What’s up?”

Just hearing his voice made my chest feel all tight. Especially with what was on my mind right now. “H-hey! Um, not that much….a-actually, can I talk to your brother? I don’t have his cell phone number.”

“You want to talk to Izuru?”

“Yeah, there’s something I need to ask him.”

“....Sure. Let me go get him.”

A long pause, with lots of static. At least it felt long. I waited for a voice, one that was so much like his but yet so different.

“Hello?”

“Is this Izuru?”

“Speaking.”

“Hey there! It’s Komaeda.”

“What do you want?” I could hear the irritation in his voice. It wasn't subtle at all.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” I said. “Listen, I know that I was being difficult and I sincerely apologize for that, but I thought a lot about the things you said to me the other day.” It was true. Even though I had tried to block everything he said out of my head, it still rang inside my skull over and over again. I couldn’t remember the last time I had doubted myself like this. It was unbelievably sobering, knowing that I could have been so wrong about myself for years and years without even giving outside support a second chance.

“Go on.”

“I...I think you might be right,” I managed. “I’ve just been holding on to all of my regrets from so long ago this whole time. And...I don’t want to be a coward who can only dwell on the past and never move forward. I want to change.”

“...So what you’re saying is…?”

“I want to tell Hina-- I mean Hajime-kun how I feel.”

Silence on the other end.

“Good for you.”

I perked up a bit. “Really?”

“Of course. If you’re in love with him, you should tell him. But why are you calling me about it?”

“Well...it’s because I’m still afraid.”

“You’re afraid?”

“Not solely of rejection, I just...it’s complicated. And you made me see that I can’t deal with it all on my own. So, um, Izuru-kun, if it’s ok with you...” I clenched my free hand into a fist. “Would you be willing to help me again?”

“You want me to help you.”

“Yes. There are a lot of things I need to sort out before I can tell him my feelings. It’s ok if you don’t want to.”

“...Fine. I’ll do it.”

“You will!?”

“On one condition.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You have to at least listen to everything I tell you. You’re the one who asked for help, so I expect you to accept it.”

“Ok. Yes. Absolutely,” I responded eagerly. “Where do you want to meet? I’m only free after school, and you’re going to be leaving in a couple of days...oh, that’s right! When would be a good day? And I should probably have your phone number, too.”

 

--

 

(Hinata pov)

 

I always get excited when I see snow. I don’t much care for the cold temperatures in wintertime, but I do like the snowfall. Even more so since my town didn’t get any last year. It started snowing on Wednesday when I got to school, and it didn’t stop until school let out. When everyone got out of class, they were greeted with fresh fallen snow, free of any footprints or blemishes. I always feel like a kid again when I get to romp around in the snow. It stayed on the ground all the way through the next day. I was hoping that school would get cancelled so that I could spend time with Makoto or Komaeda or my brother in the snowy weather, but the roads were clear, so school proceeded as usual. Then again, even if it had been cancelled, two of the people on my list already had plans together.

Komaeda and Izuru had been spending a lot of time together for some reason, unbeknownst to me. When I had seen them together they didn’t strike me as the kind of people that would be all that compatible with each other, but here they were. I noticed something was off when I came home and Izuru wasn’t there. He came home an hour later. I didn’t pay much mind to it at first, but it kept happening. I asked him why he was coming home later than me, and he told me that he had been spending time with Komaeda. He wouldn’t tell me why, not that he needed a reason. Maybe I just felt like he did. It really shouldn’t have bothered me. I should have been happy that my brother was more comfortable spending time with other people now, or even making a friend that wasn’t me.

But somehow, for some reason, I didn’t like it.

I asked Izuru about it again when he came home one day after being out in the cold, an hour later than me as usual. He was helping me make dinner since dad was working late that night.

“Hey, Izuru.”

“Hm?”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Komaeda, haven’t you? I mean, for the past few days.”

“I’m allowed to.” He opened up one of the cupboards. “Do you know if we have any soy sauce?”

“It’s on the top shelf,” I answered. “I thought you didn’t like him all that much.”

“I don’t, really.”

“Then why have you two been spending so much time together?”

Izuru paused, as if sorting out what he wanted to say. “No reason in particular. He told me that he wants my help.”

“Help with what?”

“Just emotional support.”

“Wait, what? Emotional support? Why?”

“He doesn’t want me to discuss it with you,” he replied flatly.

“But he’s fine talking to you about it.”

“Hajime, what are you getting so worked up over?”

“I’m not getting worked up!” I said louder than I should have. I lowered my voice self-consciously. “I just think it’s strange.”

Izuru set the soy sauce on the counter and turned on the stove. “What, are you worried I’m going to steal him away? Don't be ridiculous. You’re acting so childish. He’s meeting me because he wants my help with something he would rather not speak publicly about and I made the decision to help him and that’s all there is to it.”

My brother was always kind of scary when he was trying to prove a point. So I didn’t push the matter any further and just helped him with dinner. That didn’t stop it from bothering me.

Sure, Komaeda might have been a little unstable emotionally, but he always came to me when he was having trouble or feeling sad. It made me feel good, like he trusted me. Like I was wanted. And now, suddenly, he was dealing with something he felt like he couldn’t talk to me about but instead made a point to talk it out with someone that he seemed like he trusted less. It didn’t make any sense. I thought that Komaeda felt like he could talk to me about anything, but I guess that just wasn’t the case. It made me feel a little betrayed. If he could talk about it with Izuru, who he had been friends with for less than a week, why couldn’t he talk about it with me? Did he not trust me as much as I had initially assumed?

Maybe...no. Probably not.

Maybe this was just jealousy. I was jealous of my brother for earning his trust. Was it bad that I didn’t want anyone else to get close to him? Was it because I had feelings for him? I felt so stupid for having something like this bother me. I felt confused. Izuru was leaving on Saturday, so maybe I could talk to Komaeda about it then.

 

--

 

There’s a tradition at my school that everyone considers sacred, no matter who you ask, which is the winter fireworks show. I don’t know who puts it on or why, but every year on the first Friday of December, there’s a fireworks show near the school that everybody at the school and in the neighbourhood goes nuts for. It’s always a lot of fun. I’ve gone with Makoto and occasionally Kuzuryuu every year. People were asking me about going before I was even able to consider going myself. The only problem I had with it was that it was in the evening, so it would be freezing cold. Plus there was still snow on the ground, so finding places to sit would take some effort. On the day of the show, it was all anyone would talk about.

One of the people who always gets really excited about the show is Mioda. I didn’t know her very well since I hadn’t gone to school with her until this year, but she always just seemed to light up whatever room she was in simply by being there. She had too much enthusiasm to measure, and used it all on being happy and trying to make others happy. I sometimes envy people who have that kind of positive aura. She was also a very talented musician, and rumor had it that the performances she gave with the pop music club at her old school’s culture festivals were legendary. Anyway, she was able to get all of her fangirling about the fireworks show out a week in advance. She approached me during our break (or maybe “trapped” is a better word) when I was walking back to class, bursting left and right with energy. She hadn’t changed much about her winter uniform, aside from her acid-wash denim jacket.

“HAAAAAAAAAJIMEEEEE-CHAAAAAAAN Hajime-chanHajime-chanHajime-chaaaaan!”

She ran right up to me and headbutted me in the stomach. I cried out and immediately recoiled.

“Uwah!” She cried! “Ibuki’s super duper sorrryyy! She didn’t mean to hurt you, Hajime-chan!”

“G-give me a little warning before you do that next time, then…” I gasped, holding my stomach. Mioda has a surprisingly hard head.

“Ok, ok! She will!” She giggled. “But Ibuki needs to ask you something first! She’s been lookin’ all over for ya!”

“What is it?”

Mioda whipped out her flip-phone, sagging under the weight of all of her cell phone charms, so the screen was facing me. “Ibuki needs to know if you’re going to the fireworks show! She’s making a list of everyone who’s going so we can all meet up!”

“Of course. I always go.”

Mioda squealed happily and added my name to her list. “Ooooh! Also! Has Hajime-chan climbed Mister Tree of Righteousness yet? Please please please say he has!”

My brow furrowed. “Mister tree of what now?”

“The tallest tree on campus! Ibuki climbed it when she was in grade school! You climb the tree and sign your name on the bark at the very tip-top! Everyone has to do it! It’s like, the rite of passage of rite of passages!”

Oh yes. That one. The oldest tree on school grounds was a pretty popular spot for tests of courage. It was basically a giant pine tree that was a little taller than the school itself. There used to be a superstition that if you climbed the tree and signed your name at the top, you would have good luck in school if you ended up attending that high school. I don’t know if people still believe it, but it’s still a pretty standard way of gauging someone’s guts. “Uh….I don’t know, Mioda. I’m not very athletic, and I could really get hurt if I fell from that high up.”

“Aaaaaaaaw, dontcha worry your pretty li’l head!” She held up a peace sign. “Nekomaru-chan and Akane-chan will catch you if you fall! I mean, assuming they'll be there, which they better be!”

“...That wasn’t quite my point.”

“Ibuki’ll cheer for you! She’ll bring her guitar. How about that?”

“Um….”

Mioda harrumphed. “MmmmmMMMmmmMmmm. Well, if Hajime-chan wants to weasel his way out of this one, no pressure I guess. He just needs to keep in mind that it’ll look bad if he doesn’t~!” She gave me a thumbs up. “Whelp, see you tonight then! Bring a coat, or you’ll turn into a spikesicle!”

“Why a spikesicle?”

“Cuz of your awesome spiky hair! Duh!” She playfully stuck out her tongue, and with that she skipped away.

Now would probably be a good time to mention that I’ve been deliberately avoiding that tree ever since my dad and I moved to this neighborhood. I like climbing trees, don’t get me wrong. It had been one of Komaeda and I’s favorite activities when we were kids. We would meet after school at the park with the other kids whose parents worked late and pretty much wreaked havoc on all of the trees that were remotely climbable. But those trees were a relatively safe distance off the ground, and this tree was slightly taller than a four story school. I don’t even want to discuss worst case scenarios. I’ve always had an issue with heights and high places. Let me be perfectly clear, I do not have suicidal tendencies. But whenever I’m put in a high place, like say a building rooftop, I get a weirdly specific urge to jump the railing to my death or something like that. It’s not so much the fact that I’m high up, it’s more the urge I get to jump whenever I’m in a high place is what scares me.

Komaeda had always been the braver one of us, and would sometimes have to coax me  to get me to climb with him. He would always go up first to assure me that it was safe. Sometimes he would fall and scrape his knees trying to convince me that it was possible to get to a certain spot when it obviously wasn’t. He would cry for a minute tops, and then just laugh it off and tell everyone he was fine. I thought he was so strong. The kind of strong where you rarely cry and nobody pushes you around and nothing bothers you, so you can always be happy. But knowing what I know now, Komaeda was a different kind of strong, the kind where you get pushed around and cry more than it can rain in a day when nobody’s watching, so you can put on a smile to fool everyone later. Every time he laughed now, I had to decide if he was happy or sad. I know that he doesn’t like crying in front of me, and I’ve decided that outwardly displaying joy is sometimes more or less of a coping mechanism for him. I try not to think about it too hard. You can’t turn back time, but you can make the most of the present.  

In any case, I had no intention of climbing that tree. I didn’t care if I would be branded a coward, it was better than falling and breaking my neck. Count me out, thank you very much. Although it would be nice to have a little boost with my grades---nope! Uh-uh. Not doing it.

“Hajime!”

I felt a slight tug on the sleeve of my dress shirt. I didn’t even have to turn around. I knew it was Makoto. “Hey there. I thought you were spending break with Hagakure and Kuwata.”

“Eehh, they have missing work to make up, so it didn’t end up happening. Hey, I wanted to ask if we’re still doing the fireworks together again this year.”

“Of course we are. We always do. I have to go this year since I’m kind of worried about upsetting Mioda.”

“Then I guess we just meet at your place at our usual time,” he said in an upbeat tone. “We should invite Komaeda-kun to come with us this year, too.”

I tilted my head to the side. “Komaeda?”

“Yeah! Why not? You two are already close, and I want to get to know him a little better.”

It would probably be out of place to make a lame third wheel joke. “...Ok. I’ll ask him if he’s going and tell him to meet up with us.”

“Great. I haven’t really gotten to talk to him since Sonia-san’s party.” He shivered. “Ugh.”

I held up my hand to shush him. “Stop. We don’t talk about that one.”

He laughed. “I should probably head back to class. Break’s almost over. Do you want to hang out during lunch today?”

I groaned. “I’ve still got lunch detention because of Moritaka. I can’t.”

“Ah, yeah. That sucks. Well, in that case I’ll just see you after school.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you then.”

We parted ways for our respective classes. I made a mental note to text Komaeda during lunch. The student teacher wouldn’t even notice. Most of them were too enveloped in their own quarter life crises to notice anything.

 

--

   

H: Are you going to winter fireworks? Makoto and I are going and I was wondering if you wanted to come with us.

K: What are winter fireworks?

H: It’s happening tonight in the field behind the school. It’s always really fun, you should come.

K: Isn’t it kind of cold to be doing fireworks? There's still snow on the ground.

H: Bundle up. I want you to come with us.

K: Ok. What time?

H: Around 5ish.

K: I’ll be there. Looking forward to it.

H: Cool. See you then.

K: YAMATO SENSEI HINATA IS TEXTING HIS FRIENDS DURING DETENTION :D

 

--

 

Ok, best to bring layers, I can always shed them, better too much than too little. Scarf is good, will probably need gloves, I’ll need a blanket to sit on too. Oh, and I need to bring snacks.

I was in a good mood while I gathered up my things. Hey, fireworks wouldn’t be back until summertime, so I may as well make the most of it now. I was happy that Komaeda was coming.

Izuru was sitting on the couch trying to finish his schoolwork when I left. Talented or not, he still procrastinated worse than just about anybody I knew. “Heading off to watch the fireworks?”

“Yup. Are you sure you don’t want to go? Makoto and Komaeda would be happy to have you along. You should come.”

“I’m sure. I need to finish this by Monday. Besides, I don’t think I’m quite ready to be that social yet, so I wouldn’t be that good of company.”

“Ok, I get that,” I said. “I’m just a little disappointed that we didn’t get to spend more time together, and you’re going home tomorrow, and I’ve been so busy with school…”

“We’ll see each other again at Christmas,” he reassured. “I’m just glad we got to see each other at all.”

“Yeah. That’s true,” I sighed. “I’m glad for that too. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Maybe we can watch a movie or something when I get back.” I tightened my scarf and headed for the door.

“Hajime.”

I turned back.

“Please say hello to Naegi-san for me.”

I smiled wryly. “Alright. I will.”

Makoto was already waiting for me a few paces away from the door. It was really cold, I was kind of surprised. Even through all of my layers I could feel the low temperature biting at my skin. Makoto had dressed accordingly, sporting a dark green parka and a scarf that was almost too big for his head.

“Have you noticed that it’s cold as hell out here?” He jested, shivering.

“I don’t think hell is necessarily that cold. Izuru says hi, by the way.”

“Oh, that’s right! Is he coming after all?”

“Nah, he’s staying home. He says he’s not ready to be that social yet.”

Naegi pouted a little as we started walking. “Aww. I was hoping I would get to see him.”

“It can’t be helped. He’s still recovering,” I pointed out. “I wouldn’t want him to feel like I was forcing him out of his comfort zone. What about your sister?”

"What, Komaru? She's going with her friends." Makoto eyed the tote bag I was carrying with me. “Did you bring food? Please tell me you brought food. I’m starving.”

“I brought food, don’t worry. I thought you just ate dinner.”

“I did. All we had was stir fry with konnyaku, so it wasn’t very filling.” I should have expected this. For someone so short, Makoto has a weirdly high metabolism. “So what did you bring?”

I opened the bag for him to see. “Just some chips and a few sodas. I couldn’t find anything else.”

“We can probably get some stuff from Asahina. She always brings lots of food.”

“Yeah, probably…” As he turned his head slightly, I saw that he was listening to music through one ear. “What are you listening to?”

“Nothing in particular. It’s on shuffle.”

“Can I listen too?”

He handed me the other earbud. “Sure.”

I took the earbud from him and put it in my ear. I immediately recognized the song that was playing. I knew all the words. I started belting them the second I realized what the song was.

After all is said and done/Climb out from the pine box/Well I’m asking you/Cause she’s got nothing to say

Makoto turned to me with fear in his eyes. “Hajime, no.”

I just sang louder. The angels just cut out her tongue/Call her Black Mariah/Would I lie to you/That girl’s not right in the brain

“Oh my god, stop.”

Mass convulsions/Strike the choir/By the grace of God

Finally, I got him to join in.

Gun it while I’m holding on/But don’t stop/If I fall/And don’t look back/Oh baby don’t stop bury me/And fade to black

Yes, I felt like a dork. Yes, I felt stupid doing air guitar along an empty, snowy twilit street loudly singing way off key to music nobody else could hear. And yes, it was also really fun. Sometimes you have to look like a complete dweeb to indulge yourself a little. Embrace the dweeb. Be the dweeb.

So that was the rest of our walk. Badly singing whatever song came up on shuffle all the way to the school. By the time we got there it was already pretty dark, and the streetlamps and porch ligths around the school had long been lit. There were a lot of people in the field already, mostly students and families with children, and I scanned the crowd to find Komaeda. We eventually found him sitting on the ground against a smallish tree hugging his knees and shivering like a baby animal underneath a heavy coat, and weaved our way through the crowd to get to him.  

“Hi Komaeda-kun! I’m so glad you were able to come,” Makoto greeted.

Komaeda’s teeth chattered a little as he spoke. His breath was totally visible in the cold air. “It’s way too cold to be doing fireworks. Where's the logic in this?”

“It’s a tradition, you don’t need logic. I brought some extra layers if you need it,” I offered.

“Yes please.” He held out his hands, not hesitating in the slightest. I chuckled, already pulling a jacket out of my bag. He took it in and had it on in less than five seconds.

“Is this where you were planning on sitting?” asked Makoto. “You won’t even get to see the show from here. They shoot the fireworks off from over there, so we should move further up if we want to get a good view.”

“Ok. That’s fine by me.” Komaeda eased himself up. “You two are the experts, after all.”

“I brought some food too.”

“That’s ok, I’m not that hungry.” He got to his feet, and I watched helplessly as Komaeda was attacked from the side and tackled by a happily screeching Mioda. “NAGITO-CHAAAAAAAAN!” She squealed as both of them fell to the ground. Komaeda yelped in surprise.

“Nagito-chaaaan! You did come!!!!”

Komaeda hadn’t fully processed what was happening. “Ah...M-Mioda!? What are you…!?”

I laughed in spite of myself. Mioda got to her feet. “Ibuki’s sorry, Nagito-chan!! She just needed to get your attention! And she’s sosososososo happy that you guys came and she bubbled all over with excitement!”

“Yes, I…” Komaeda hoisted himself off the ground. “Oof...I can see that.”

“And you too, Makoto-chan! It’s been a while!”

“I guess it has been, hasn’t it?” Makoto responded, a little shaken. “It’s good to see you too, Mioda-san.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Mioda clapped her hands together. “Ibuki completely forgot why she came over here! A bunch of people from our class are meeting together to watch the fireworks! We’ll all be huddled up like penguins! PekoPeko-chan brought yummy baked goods!”

“Pekoyama’s here? She never comes to winter fireworks,” I replied. “Where are we meeting?”

She flashed me a wide, mischievous grin. “Oh, y’know...by the big tree over there.”

I cringed. “Wait, Mioda--”

Komaeda dusted himself off from his fall. “That sounds great. What do you think, Naegi-kun?”

“That sounds good to me too. I know some people in your guys’s class.”

“It’s decided then!” Mioda shouted before I could even get a word in the edgewise. She threw her hands in the air. “Everyone’s gonna watch the fireworks together!! Ibuki’s so happy!”

“Mioda, I--”

“Don’t worry Hajime-chan, you’ll get a chance to prove yourself to everyone!” Mioda taunted. She grabbed my hand and forcefully yanked me in the direction she was running, giggling the entire time. For a girl who isn’t that into sports, Mioda runs really fast, plus her hand had a death grip on my wrist, so I either had to keep up or get my arm ripped out of it’s socket. I could hear Komaeda and Makoto in back of us trying to keep up. The tree came closer and closer into view the farther we ran, and several people from our class waved to Mioda. We came to a grinding halt right in front of the tree where a bunch of people greeted us. It looked humongous close up. It was like looking up a skyscraper. I looked back at the people gathered around it. It looked to be, lo and behold, some of the people from my class. The two in back of us still took a minute to catch up with us.

“Aaaay, it’s Hinata!” I heard someone say. I turned to see Souda bundled up in a thick leather hoodie with Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama standing beside him. “Good to see you came.” He gave me a quick high five.

“Yeah, you too,” I answered. I had mostly forgiven him for what he had said at that party, since he was generally a good guy and probably didn’t really mean to hurt anybody. Even if he was kind of simple-minded.

“Souda-kun!” Komaeda wheezed. I hadn’t even noticed he was right behind me, so the sudden reaction startled me. “H-hi....I *huff* made it too...it’s good to see you…y’know, since*huff* this afternoon….” I had forgotten we had ran all the way here. I had also forgotten that Komaeda has like, zero stamina.

Kuzuryuu snickered. Souda backed up a little. “Um...dude, are you ok?”

“He’s fine...I think,” Makoto answered for him, just now catching up. He held out his hand. “Makoto Naegi, by the way. I’m in class one.”

Souda took it. “Oh. Ok. Cool.”

“I’m kind of surprised to see you here, Pekoyama. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you come to winter fireworks,” I addressed.

Pekoyama smiled sweetly. I swear, that girl’s gonna be a mother someday. You can tell just by her smile. “I usually have an annual fencing competition on this date. I’ve participated ever since I was very young, but this year it was pushed back a week, and, well, Fuyuhiko insisted that I come. I thought it would be a nice way to unwind before the match, so here I am.”

“We don’t have to call each other by our first names when we’re in company…” Kuzuryuu followed up, his face a light shade of pink.

Pekoyama gave him a shove. “Oh hush.” Those two are adorable.

“Hinata!”

I turned back around to see Nanami, running towards me very fast. At first I panicked, but then I saw what she wanted to do and relaxed. She ran up to me and gave me a huge hug, and I briefly lifted her off the ground. She laughed. “You guys came!”

“Of course. We always do.”

“I know. I’m just so excited about the fireworks, I just---” It was rare to see Nanami this perky.

“Nah, it’s fine. I get it.”

Mioda bear hugged Nanami the second she let go of me. We all started talking, just about school and making small talk. I felt kind of bad bringing Makoto into all this when he didn’t know most of my friends all that well. Even though he and I were close, we ended up in different classes more often than not, so we both had different groups of friends. I had been a little worried for a while that we were growing apart. But when I looked over at him to check, he was already otherwise occupied with something else, staring off past Nanami’s shoulder.

“Hey.” I waved my hand in front of his face.

He jumped a little and looked back at me. “H-huh? Oh, sorry, what?”

“You look so spacey. What are you looking at?”

“N-nothing.”

“Come on.” I leaned my head in the direction he was facing to get a better view of his field of vision. I didn’t see anything particularly interesting at first, until I spotted a lone girl with silvery purple hair wrapped up in an almost equally purple scarf a good distance away from us. Aha. He was staring at that girl like she was some kind of alien.

I nudged him in the arm with my elbow. “Go talk to her.”

“What!? No! She thinks I’m annoying!”

“She doesn’t think you’re annoying. Just go talk to her.”

“I don’t know…” Makoto tensed. “I mean, I would feel bad ditching you guys…” Suddenly, Kirigiri made sharp eye contact with Makoto. He recoiled accordingly and looked away.

I sighed. “Don’t worry about us. I know we’re probably boring you. Go talk to her.”

“Um.” Makoto swallowed. “Ok.” It took him a second, but he started inching away from us and toward where Kirigiri was. He looked really nervous. As nervous as I’ve ever seen him.

“Does Naegi-kun have a crush on Kirigiri-san?” Komaeda asked me, trying to be discreet.

“I can still hear you!” Makoto yelled back. He started walking faster.

“What do you think?” I said mockingly.

He chuckled. “That’s so cute. Their height difference is hilarious.”

“Isn’t it? God, I’m not the only one who notices that.”

Ibuki cleared her throat dramatically. “Ahem! Well! Ibuki has something super important that she needs to say! Super Duper High School Level Important!”

Kuzuryuu sighed. “Here we go.”

Ignoring the snark, Ibuki snorted triumphantly and pointed behind her at the giant, looming pine tree. “By a show of hands, who here has climbed the epic Tree of All Righteousness?”

Everyone raised their hands except me and Komaeda.

“Oh! You neither, Nagito-chan?”

“Afraid not,” he said. “It's a bit tall for climbing, don’t you think?”

Oh no. No, this wasn't happening. 

Ibuki snickered at me. “Kazuichi-chan, let Ibuki borrow your back! She needs a podium! A big fat soap box!”

“Ex...cuse me?” said Souda.

“I SAID LET ME STAND ON YOUR BACK!”

“What!? No!”

“You better do it or I’m telling everyone about all those magazines you keep under your bed~!”

Souda lurched backward. I silently died inside. Mioda really wasn’t that good at keeping anything on the down-low, or maybe just didn't understand other people's privacy. “Fine…” he grumbled. He got down on his hands and knees, and Mioda promptly stepped onto his back as if he were a step stool, so she stood quite a bit taller than all of us. “ATTENTION ALL PEOPLE IN FIRST YEAR CLASS TWO!” She yelled at the top of her lungs. A bunch of people turned their heads, including Koizumi, Saionji, Tsumiki, Owari and Nidai, pretty much just a small crowd of people that had shown up from our class.  

“Mioda, you’re gonna to break my spine,” Souda wheezed.

“Suck it up, Ibuki’s almost done.” She cleared her throat again. “Gather round! Gather round, everybody!” The small crowd gradually moved toward us as Mioda gestured them to.

“Geez, you’re really loud, Mioda,” Owari remarked, rubbing her ears. “I’m gonna lose my hearing just being in the same class as you.”

“Heh! Ibuki’s a performer! She’s gotta know how to project her voice!”

“Quite right, Mioda,” Nidai said approvingly. “An artist must have a strong voice or her ideals will never be heard! Akane, learn from Mioda-san’s example!”

Owari saluted. Not even sarcastically. “Yes sir!”

“H-hey Nidai…” I greeted timidly. Nidai was an intimidating guy. Really weird, too.

“Hm? Ah, if it isn’t Hinata! Pleasure to see you made it to the display!”

I saw Tsumiki hiding behind Koizumi. Tsumiki was the exact opposite of a social butterfly, so everyone in our class was used to it. Tsumiki and Koizumi and Saionji must have all come together with Mioda since they were such close friends (even though Saionji refused to admit that Tsumiki was her friend). “So why’d you call us over here?” Koizumi asked. “What’s this ‘Super Duper High School Level Announcement’ of yours?”

Mioda hopped down from Souda’s back, and Souda gasped. “Hee hee hee. Well, Ibuki was just telling these chumps about a certain ‘tradition’ at this school.” She jabbed her thumb at the skyscraper of a tree in back of us.

Saionji’s pudgy face instantly lit up. She looked really cute. She was wearing a beige duster coat over a pink kimono. “Ooooh! You mean The Good Luck Tree! Yeah! Totally! You climb it and you’re supposed to get good grades in high school, right? Mahiru Nii-chan and I climbed it last year!”

“E-everybody climbs it, isn’t that r-right?” Tsumiki squeaked. “I climbed it when I was in seventh grade...my name should still be at the top...wait, sorry, sorry! I’m sorry if that sounded like I was bragging!”

“Nekomaru and I climbed it last summer,” said Owari. “Everyone says it’s like, super scary, but it just took me a few minutes.”

Nanami chimed in. “I climbed it when I was a kid with my dad. I’ve lived in this neighbourhood my whole life, so I know all about it.”

“So Ibuki’s suspicions are confirmed.” Mioda pointed a finger at me and Komaeda. “These two are the only ones who haven’t climbed The Tree of Righteousness!”

No. Please no. The expectant stares of everyone around me drilled holes in my chest. Komaeda seemed relatively unaffected. “Uh...I-I mean….”

“So, guys,” Souda said, apparently somewhat recovered from his job as a step ladder. “How about it? Is tonight the night you’re gonna lose your tree virginity?”

“Souda, I will be willing to pay you money to rephrase that,” Kuzuryuu moaned.

“Uh…” This wasn’t happening. “I...I don’t know…I don’t really want to.”

Koizumi crossed her arms. “What, you’re not gonna climb the tree? C’mon, Hinata. It’s just a tree. Be a man, for crying out loud!”

“Yeah! You gonna let a bunch of girls beat you?” Saionji held up two fists with a snicker. “It’s just a tree!”

“I just have a fear of heights is all,” I bluffed, trying to smile, not sure why. “Y’know falling and breaking my neck, crazy, I know.”

Nidai patted me on the back and laughed his giant, bellow of a laugh. His hands felt so forceful that my neck could break from just that. “You needn’t worry about that, Hinata! Akane and I will catch you if you fall. You won’t even feel a thing!”

“A-and I can help you if you get hurt anywhere,” said Tsumiki. “I’m a n-nurse’s aid, so I have the keys to the nurse’s office.”

I looked back at the tree. I felt a little sick just looking at it. I was already imagining myself at the very top, thinking about casting myself off at least one hundred feet off the ground. Just thinking about jumping, with no rational explanation, and then the lingering fear that I might even act on it. Then I would hit the ground and that would be the end.

I had to bluff even further. “I mean, it just doesn’t seem that safe,” I turned to Komaeda, hoping he would help me out. “Komaeda, you don’t want to do this either, right? It’s just too big of a risk, right?”

Komaeda just smiled and tilted his head. “No, I'm cool with it.”

My eyes widened. “What.”

“I think it could be fun. I bet you could see a long ways from so high up. What’s the matter? You’re not scared, are you?”

My last hope. Shattered. Idiot, that’s not what you were supposed to say.

“Yeah, s’matter Hinata Nii-chan? You chicken?” Saionji stuck her tongue out at me. “Should we just stick a rubber glove onto your head for the rest of the night?”

“No, I’m not scared per se, I just--”

“Hinata.” Kuzuryuu reached up and rested a hand on my shoulder. “You’re kinda bombing this.”

I gulped. I really didn’t want to climb the tree. But I was also pretty concerned about my pride at this particular moment. Komaeda was just smiling beside me, raring to go and apparently quite oblivious to the fact that I was getting shoved into some stupid daredevil stunt that I had no desire to do. But with everyone looking at me with their intense puppy dog eyes, my will gave in eventually.

“....Ok?”

Mioda threw her hands in the air and cheered. “Yeah! That’s the spirit Hajime-chan! You guys are gonna climb that tree and kick tradition in the butt!”

Komaeda grinned at me. That same gorgeous smile that had won me over so many times already. “Alright! Let’s do it!”

I forced a smile back.

You asshole.

You gorgeous asshole.

 

--

 

The first initial push of the first part of the climb wasn’t so bad. I had gloves on, so at least my hands weren’t in danger of numbing and making me lose my grip. That threat was pretty imminent, since it was freezing cold and I could see my breath in the air. But as Komaeda and I climbed upward, the branches became slick from the snow that had been piled onto them. I almost slipped twice and it made my heart skip. I had to stop and reassess myself. Unfortunately whenever I did that, it always made me realize even more that I was several feet off the ground. Komaeda on the other hand was navigating the tree fairly easily. Those ridiculous double-zippered shoes of his must have had pretty good traction. I almost hated that he was enjoying himself while I was putting myself through minor emotional torment. He was a few branches ahead of me.

“Hey Hinata-kun. Do you think we’ll be able to see pretty far when we get to the top?”

“Uh huh.”

“I didn’t think this school was so old that it would have a tree this big when I first came here.”

“Uh huh.”

“I didn’t expect it to be so sacred, either. The people here really revere tradition, huh?”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m dying my hair all black tomorrow.”

I looked up at him mid-climb. “Seriously?”

“No. I was just making sure you were listening,” he teased.  

“Of course I’m listening. And I don’t think that would be a very good look for you.”

“Aw, but I hate the color of my hair."

"Why? It looks good on you."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Sheesh, learn to take a compliment."

"Hey, um…” he stopped climbing for a second. “Were you really scared of climbing this? I mean, were you being serious?”

“What? Oh, no, not really…” I lied. “I mean, y’know, it’s a steep climb, so of course I would be a little nervous.”

Komaeda smirked. “Liar. You were a bundle of nerves.”

“....Was I? Really?”

“Yeah, you were.”

I sighed, hoisting myself onto one of the branches so I could sit. “Dammit.”

“If you were scared, you could have just said so. We could still climb down.”

“Nah. That would look bad.”

Komaeda sat down too. “I just feel bad that I forced you into something you didn’t want to do.”

“You didn’t force me into it. I could have said no,” I said honestly. “You didn’t really force me into it any more than you used to.”

He grinned big again. God, I loved seeing him happy. “Takes you back, doesn’t it?”

“Oh, it sure does. We’ve graduated from tree forts to absurdly fucking lethal death traps.”

“It’s not so bad. You just can’t fall or you’ll end up with a bit more than a scraped knee.”

“That’s not very reassuring.”

“It wasn’t meant to be.”

I’m sure he expected me to laugh at this, but I didn’t. I wasn’t in the mood for joking about plummeting to my death. Komaeda climbed back down so that he was on the same level as me. “You’re not still afraid of heights, are you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what are you so scared of? Nidai and Owari even said they would catch you if you fell.”

I tried to word it so that it wouldn’t come out terribly concerning. “I’m just...afraid of jumping.” I already knew that I had failed horrifically. Komaeda’s eyes widened a bit.

“Hinata-kun, is there something you need to tell me?”

“N-no!” I said quickly. “That came out wrong. I mean, it’s sort of true. Whenever I’m in a high place, I just get this nagging urge to jump off. It’s not like I want to kill myself, I just want to jump for some reason. I get really scared whenever I start thinking that way. Like, terrified that I’m even capable of thinking like I want to kill myself.”

Komaeda thought for a moment. “Oh, that. Yeah, I get that too. Everybody does.”

I was surprised at how easily he was able to brush it off to the side. “That’s not true.”

“It is. There’s even a name for it. It’s called cognitive dissonance.”

I arched my eyebrows. “Cognitive...what?”

“Cognitive dissonance. It occurs when you’re placed in a situation that you recognize but your brain can’t quite make sense of. Your urge to jump is caused by standing in high places, right? Even though you don’t want to jump.”

“Right.”

“So what happens is is that your brain tries to make sense of the situation. You’re in a high place and you’re afraid of falling. However, you’re also fully aware that you’re not in any danger of falling. Knowing this, your brain tries to come up with the only logical explanation for that frame of mind: you must want to jump.”

I took a moment to mull that over. “I guess...that sort of makes sense.”

“See? If the situation is right, then it’s completely normal to have suicidal thoughts even if you’re not suicidal. I mean, unless you decide to act on it.”

“And you’re saying this is normal?”

“Of course. Everyone I’ve talked to about it says that it happens to them all the time,” he reassured. “I feel like I’m coaxing you like I did when we were kids. Not much has changed, huh?”

I turned away. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” He shifted a little. “I’m glad you told me why you were so nervous. Phobias aren’t anything to apologize about.”

“Yeah...I guess not.”

“WHAT’S TAKING YOU GUYS SO LONG!?” I heard Mioda scream from below. “FIREWORKS START IN TWENTY MINUTES! TIME’S A-WASTIN’!!!”

Komaeda smiled a little uneasily. “Are you feeling up to climbing? Or do you want to head down?”

I got myself back up and started climbing again. “I can go for a little while longer.”

“Ok. Good.” He hopped back into a climbing position and began again. We climbed in silence for a bit. It was a little easier, considering I had been given a small peace of mind. I also discovered that if I didn’t look at the ground I wouldn’t tense up nearly as much. That’s right, just focus on what’s ahead. Komaeda frequently gave me pointers on what branches to grab and where to put my feet. After several minutes of finding the right branches, I could see the top of the tree. I was already seeing names inscribed in the bark with Sharpie. When we finally reached the top, Komaeda got out the pen that Koizumi had loaned us and we signed our names. It was kind of difficult trying to find an empty spot. Signing my name was probably supposed to feel like a whole new world of possibilities was opening up for me from behind a golden gate, but instead all that came was the bone-crushing relief that I would never have to do this ever again.

Komaeda looked out across the field. I imagined we were able to see quite a ways. I say “imagined” because I was way too scared to actually look. “Wow!” he said. “We’re a lot higher up than I thought we were.” He waved down to our classmates below. “We made it, guys!” he yelled. I heard a small chorus of cheers erupt from below us. “Oh! There’s Naegi-kun!”

“What’s he doing?”

“Come see for yourself.”

“That’s not funny.”

“He’s still talking to Kirigiri-san. I can never tell if her hair is purpley or silvery. Naegi-kun is getting a lot taller, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, he is. He’s only seven centimeters shorter than me now.”

“People change so fast, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so….”

With this in mind, we started climbing down.

We were about halfway down when Komaeda interrupted my train of thought. “Izuru-kun didn’t end up coming, huh?”

A bullet in my gut. I had completely forgotten. “No...he said he wasn’t feeling up to it.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. I can’t really blame him, though.”

I reached for another branch. “It’s not a huge loss for you, though, is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Haven’t you two been spending a lot of time together?”

He looked down at me from above. “How do you know about that?”

“He told me about it. Why have you guys been hanging out so much?”

“No real reason,” Komaeda responded. “I just wanted to spend some time with him. Why? Does it bother you?”

I hated how easily people could see through me sometimes. It made me feel so shallow. “No…”

“Then what’s the big deal? Izuru and I are friends.”

I wanted to ask him what it was that was so bad that he had to seek “emotional support” for, and furthermore why he trusted my brother with it more than me. But I didn’t want to make Komaeda upset with him. “I know but...ok, this is going to sound really stupid, but it doesn’t go anything beyond that, right? Friendship?”

Komaeda stared at me for a second, and then busted out laughing. He completely lost it. I was fairly sure that my face was pretty red. I wished I was able to recognize a stupid question before I said it out loud. It took Komaeda a second to get it together. He kept climbing down ahead of me. “You’re so weird.”

I kept climbing down to catch up with him. We were a little more than halfway down the tree. “I was just asking….I mean, please don’t be mad at Izuru for this, but he said that you asked him for emotional support.”

“That I did.” He didn’t even hesitate. “Hinata-kun, you’re not jealous of him, are you?”

I quickened my pace so that I could make eye contact on the same level as him. “No, I’m not. I’m just curious as to why you would trust him with something like that more than you would trust me.”

Komaeda looked a little surprised. Then he cast his eyes down. “It’s more complicated than that. I know I come to you a lot when I’m having problems, but this is different. Really different. It’s something I can’t talk about with you specifically.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You will.” He smiled forlornly. “It pertains to you specifically. When I tell you what it is, I'm sure it'll make more sense. I just can’t right now. Not yet. I’m not ready.” He reached over and put his gloved hand on my arm. “But I will eventually. I trust you more than anyone else in the world. I mean that, I really do. So wait for me, ok?”   

 

I almost did it. I almost kissed him. It would have been so easy. He looked so beautiful, with his usual cheerful face reflecting the dark, cold, barely-light. It actually caught me off guard. It almost made me forget my curiosity. I leaned in just the tiniest bit, but quickly backed out. All I could manage was, “Ok. Yeah. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey, it’s no big deal,” I replied. “The fireworks are probably gonna start soon. We should keep heading down.”

“We should. I’m getting sick of being up here.”

No sooner had I rested my weight on a lower branch that I heard a sickening snapping noise. It took me a second to realize that it was the branch beneath me giving way. I cried out, but I was a little too late, as I was already falling. Everything went blurry. I must have blacked out for a second, because one moment I was positioned next to Komaeda and the next I was sprawled between a set of thick branches, just barely holding on. The first thing I felt was shooting pain in my back, wrist, face, legs, pretty much everything that had been hit on my way down the second I connected with the branches. I screamed. It hurt. I could almost see Komaeda about ten feet above me. Had I really fallen that far? I hurt everywhere, especially my back and arms. My breathing grew heavier to compensate.

“Hinata-kun!!” I heard Komaeda cry out for me in alarm. “Hinata!! Are you alright!?”

“No.”

I could hear Komaeda hastily climb down until his image came into view a bit better. I was able to see his face by now. He was directly above me. “Ok, ok, you’re fine. Are you hurt anywhere?” I could tell he was panicking.

“Everywhere.” I croaked. I cried out again as I shifted my arm the wrong way trying to pull myself up.

He held out his hand. “Here. Grab my hand. I’ll pull you back up.”

I reached for his hand. But as he grabbed it, sharp twinges of pain shot through my wrist.

“AAAAHH!”

Hastily, Komaeda let go of my hand. I must have hit my hand somewhere on the way down, because it hurt like crazy. Komaeda held a hand to his mouth. “Oh no. Something’s wrong with your wrist.”

“Yeah, I can see that, owwwwSON of a bitch!”

“What’s going on up there?” I heard Souda yell. “Did something happen?”

“Hinata fell!” Komaeda yelled back. “He hurt his hand and can’t climb down!”

“Oh shit,” Souda responded.

“He hurt his hand?” What do you mean?” Someone else said. Nanami.

“I think he hit his wrist on a branch and sprained it or something! What should I do? I’m not strong enough to carry him down.”

“Nekomaru!” Owari shouted. “We need to do something! I mean, we should probably do something, right?”

“Yes, of course,” Nidai replied. I recognized his booming voice immediately. “How good is your upper body strength, Akane?”

“I can bench press about 90 kilos.”

“It’ll have to do. We’re coming up! Just hang in there for a few! Tsumiki-san! Get a first-aid kit from the nurse’s office!”

I tried to use clinging on for dear life as a distraction from the pain. If I wasn’t wearing so many layers I definitely would have been scraped up. I was more worried about Komaeda, to be honest. The guy was looking down at me like he had seen a ghost.

“Oh God. Oh my God.” he repeated. “Are you gonna be ok?”

“I h-hope so--AGH! Yeah...I-I’m fine.”

After a few minutes of intense pain and regret, Owari and Nidai made it up to where we were. Owari somehow managed to carry me on piggyback, occasionally handing me off to Nidai in rough patches. There were several instances when they did something that twisted my wrist the wrong way, making me quite literally writhe in agony. The climb down was probably only a couple of minutes or so, but it seemed like a half an hour to me. So after that nightmare, Owari finally carried me to level ground and lay me down a good distance away from the tree. I had never been so happy to see muddy snow.

I was instantly throttled with the concern of my friends, yelling at me to make sure I was ok (I wanted to tell them that it was my wrist and not my hearing that was damaged, and Tsumiki was barely able to break up the tiny crowd and worm her way in with a first aid kit. It was true Tsumiki was super shy and apprehensive around other people, but when it came to taking care of others she became quite focused and motivated. She carefully disinfected the scratches on my face and bandaged them accordingly, and she made sure I hadn’t broken anything. Finally, she got to my aching wrist, removing my glove as she did so. She barely touched it and the pain was so sharp.

“Hinata-san, is this where it hurts the most?”

I nodded. Komaeda was sitting speechless next to me, still white as a sheet with one hand over his mouth.

She gently examined it. “It’s bruised up quite a bit, but I don’t think it’s broken. It’s probably just a bad sprain. But I’m going to have to find something to support it so you don’t put any weight on it.” She turned to Saionji. “Um, Saionji-san...is it alright if I borrow the obi for your kimono?”

“What!? No way in hell!” Saionji looked genuinely offended. “It’ll fall apart if I don’t have it on! And besides, I would never just lend it out to pigs like you!”

Tsumiki flinched. “I-It’s not for me! It’s for H-Hinata-san’s arm! You’re so mean to me!”

Koizumi gave Saionji a light slap in the face. “Hiyoko! Stop it! You’re wearing layers underneath your kimono. Stop being so selfish. And don’t talk down to Mikan like that! You’re being a bully.”

Saionji pouted, and reached behind her to undo her sash. “Fine...but I’m only gonna do this once.” Once she had removed it, Tsumiki unfolded it and lifted up my arm. It still hurt really badly, but I was able to grit my teeth and bear it. She then propped my arm up and tied the sash around my neck and I had a makeshift sling. Nifty.

“Does that feel a little better?” Tsumiki asked.

I settled into the sling a little. “It still hurts, but yeah, it’s better this way.”

Everyone let out a sigh. I felt a little uncomfortable being the center of attention all of a sudden. “Hinata-san, you gave us quite a scare,” said Pekoyama.

“It’s no big deal. I’m fine.” I saw Mioda kneeling next to Souda, tears welling up in her eyes and her face contorted in a funny way. No matter what she was feeling, Mioda was always really well animated. Then, all of a sudden, she lunged forward and gave me a tight hug. “UUUUWWWAAAAH! HAJIME-CHAAAAAN!!!”

“Mioda? What’s wrong?”

“IBUKI’S SORRYYYY!!!” She wailed. “It’s all her fault for making you climb that mean tree! Ibuki’s even meaner than than the meaniest meany mean tree that ever grew!!!”

I awkwardly patted her on the back. “It’s fine. It’s not your fault. I could have just said no.”

“But stiiiill! Ibuki’s so sorry!”

“Mioda, you’re going to put strain on my arm if you keep doing that.”

Mioda pulled away from me and wiped her arm on her sleeve. “Oh...sorry.”

“Do you think we should tell Naegi-kun about this?” Nanami asked.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” I replied. “I don’t want to bother him.” Especially since I didn’t want to screw up his chance of being alone together with Kirigiri.

“The do you need to go home? You hurt yourself pretty badly.”

“Of course not. I mean, yeah, it still hurts, but I still want to stay for the fireworks.”

Nanami gave me a shove. “Come on. Stop being such a hard-ass.”

“Ow!”

Everyone lingered for a little while as the pain subsided a tiny bit, and I felt pretty dickish being the only reason that everyone was sticking around. The group eventually dispersed, slowly, as everyone became sure that I was ok. I was glad for that, since I felt weird having everyone crowding around me. Pekoyama and Kuzuryuu went off on their own, and so did Owari and Nidai. Tsumiki, Saionji, Mioda, and Koizumi fought for a little while before making up and going off to join them. And, well, that just left, Nanami, Komaeda and I sitting alone on the school lawn, not to mention a sling made out of an unfurled obi sash. I was exhausted. Nanami and I chatted with each other, but Komaeda was still quite shaken from the whole ordeal.

“Hinata-kun, are you sure you’re ok? That was a really nasty fall you took,” he said finally.

“I’m sure. I mean, I still hurt, but I’m fine. With a face like that, I’m more worried about you.”

Komaeda didn’t answer. At least, not for a bit. “I didn’t catch you.”

“What? Komaeda, that’s not fair.”

“Nobody can react that fast,” Nanami piped up. “He fell under a broken branch.”

“But still--”

“No. I’m not gonna let you do this to yourself,” I intervened before his deprecation increased. “Nothing was your fault.”

Komaeda didn’t say anything else. He just shifted in his spot and lay down down his back in the grass. He didn't look ok. At least we had somehow been able to find a spot that was more or less free of snow.

Nanami lay down next to me, scrolling on her phone. “The fireworks should be starting any second now. We’re a minute overtime.”

I lay down next to her, careful not to put my hand in a painful position. I let it go slack across my chest. “How long is the show, anyway?”

“It’s about fifteen minutes long.”

A few seconds after Nanami said this, I heard a loud Boom that made my bones vibrate. A single streak streamed upward, lighting up the dark sky. It was too cloudy to see stars, but when the streak exploded into a dazzling display of sparks, I could see all of it. It made up for the lack of stars. Several people around us cheered. Three more explosive sounds followed, and in turn, three more fireworks lit up the sky. It was incredible.

“Wow,” said Nanami.

“Yeah,” I said on cue. “It’s not bad.”

I looked over at Komaeda. His face was blank even in profile, occasionally lit up by the explosions that went off in the sky. He looked absolutely mesmerized, like the bright flashes of light were alien objects. It kind of made me regret not kissing him. It was too late now, but I was able to form my feelings into words now, albeit not out loud. It was a start.

The display went on, and the fireworks grew brighter and brighter. Whoever does the displays really outdid themselves this year. It was amazing, just like always. The three of us were silent for quite a while, until Nanami spoke up.

“We’re just like fireworks,” she said.

“Huh?” I turned my head towards her.

“We’re just like fireworks. Rising, shining, and then finally, scattering and fading.”

It took me a second to get it. Then I just laughed. “And when that time comes, let’s not disappear like a firework, but shine brightly forever.”

It didn’t take long for Komaeda to ruin the moment. “What are you guys talking about?”

Nanami chuckled. “You never read Bleach when you were a kid?”

“No…?”

“It’s a quote from Toshiro Hitsugaya,” I explained, knowing he probably wouldn’t get the reference. “It means that even if people grow and part ways and are always changing, they still have to try to be the best they can be instead of just...disappearing altogether.”

“Oh.” That was all he said. He still looked sad, sort of distant. Without really thinking, I leaned my head on his shoulder. He didn’t tell me to stop or to move like he usually did. Though I did feel him tense up a little. I think I might have closed my eyes for a little bit.

“B-but I l-like the idea of it…”

I opened my eyes again. “What now?”

“Th-the quote, I mean. I l-like the meaning,” Komaeda stuttered. “Like, people should strive for excellence no matter what the circumstances are...right?”

I paused. “Well...I suppose that’s one way of putting it.”

“That’s exactly it,” Nanami laughed. “I think analogies can be taken a lot of different ways. What I always got from it was that when people scatter and separate, they all go off in their own direction to create one, big, beautiful thing. Like, you have to shine for the people who have always been there for you in order for the connection to still be a whole.”

“Woah. I never thought about it that way,” I mused.

“....It really wouldn’t be such a bad way to go, would it?” Komaeda asked. “Like a firework?”

“How do you mean?”

“It’s like, when it’s rising, it grows brighter and brighter. And then, right before it dies, is when it shines the very brightest. It goes out with a literal bang. To live with the dedication to shine like that instead of just fizzling out early on...I think that would be ideal.”

Nanami laughed again. “I think this conversation went too deep a while ago.”

“Oh...sorry.”

“It’s ok. That sounded really cool.”

As our talking died down, the fireworks only grew more colorful. My wrist hurt, my legs and back ached, and my face was scratched, but I was also laying beside two of my best friends, one of whom was even more to me now. I wouldn't trade that in for any amount of broken bones. It was worth it, all of it. In this moment, I felt like a firework. 

 

(Komaeda pov)

 

Hinata and Nanami walked me to my train stop. Hinata said that he might as well wait with me since Naegi-kun’s parents already picked up him and his sister. I told them that they didn’t have to, but they never listen to me with things like this anyway. But I was glad for it this time. I still felt a little scared. Like I didn’t want to let him out of my sight or he would die. It’s silly, I know, but that kind of paranoia has been the building blocks of my life. The intense fear when I saw him fall right in front of me...I hadn’t felt it in a while. It was startling. It only reminded me even more that it was happening again, that I had found someone I didn’t want to lose and the possible consequences.

Silently, the three of us waited for the train to come. Nanami turned her head. “Guys, my mom’s here. I gotta go.”

“Bye Nanami. See you at school,” said Hinata.

“Yeah. Bye guys.” She gave us a small wave, and then Hinata and I were alone together. I would occasionally let my eyes wander in his direction to make sure he was still there, and then to make sure he was actually there, instead of some weird PTSD hallucination or something like that. Every time I looked, he was still there. It felt like the longest time I had ever waited for the train.

“Ko, are you ok?” His sudden words made me jump.

“Of course I am! W-why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re acting kind of high-strung.”

“I’m not acting high-strung! Hahaha! Not at all! Why in the w-world would you think that I’m acting high-strung? Haha...ha.”

I could tell I was freaking him out. Shoot, I guess I didn’t sound very convincing. “Ok…” He eyed me suspiciously. “If you say so.” Who was I kidding? He didn’t believe me. If what he was telling me was true, my skin was the same shade of white as my hair.

“Hey, um…is your arm feeling any better? Does it still hurt?”

“It hurts like crazy. But I’m fine.”

“Do you, uh, need to go to the hospital?”

“No, I just need some rest.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Because I can--”

“Ok, Komaeda, please tell me what’s wrong.” That wasn’t even a question. Nope, he went for the full blown statement. He was no longer asking if something was bothering me, because he obviously knew something was, so it would sound weird if I just kept denying it. But I did anyway.

“N-nothing’s wrong with me. I was just a little worried about you.”

“Why? It’s not liked hit the ground when I fell.”

Thanks for that, I was trying not to think about that. You could at least thank me a little for worrying. Though someone like him thanking someone useless for talking out of turn is rather inappropriate. “But still, you came pretty close.”

“No I didn’t. I was still several feet in the air.”

“It doesn’t matter!” I responded, more forcefully than I had meant to. Hinata recoiled a little. “You still fell, you still got hurt, and it easily could have ended up a lot worse!”

“But...it didn’t.”

“But it could have!”

“Komaeda, what’s the point in obsessing over what could have been. I’m ok, I made it, and that’s all that matters, right?”

It took me a second to reply to this. “You may not think it was that big of a deal, but I can assure you it was. I was really scared.”

Hinata looked me over quizzically. “Scared?”

“I was terrified,” I followed up. “The second I saw you fall, when you stepped on that broken branch, I just...I thought I was going to lose you. I didn’t know what to do.”

“...Really?”

“Hinata, don’t....please don’t ever do that to me again,” I said in a very serious tone. This was a serious matter. “Don’t ever climb that death trap again, and please, I just don’t know what I would do if I lost you. Please promise that you won’t do that to me.”

It was quiet for a bit. True, what I was asking wasn’t exactly fair. Hinata didn’t have any control over what happened. It was purely an accident, and I knew it. But instead, he just said “Ok, ok, jeez. I’m sorry. I promise.” The way he said irritated me. “You’re acting a little paranoid.”

I wanted to slap him in the face. I had told him about my parents, and he could still say such things. If he specifically knew about that “constant,” he wouldn’t be running his mouth. You are all I have. You are all I have and I could have lost it, how could I not be paranoid? I am constantly afraid. Afraid that every time I round a corner there is going to be something unpleasant with me or someone I love if there are any on the receiving end. Most times I’m able to swallow it down and accept the fear, but there are times when it just starts clawing it’s way back up my throat and up into my brain, where it is equally distributed to every other part of my body so that all I can feel is fear and paranoia.

And in case you haven’t already guessed, now was one of those times! Yay! I actually can’t remember a day when I haven’t been at least tiny bit afraid. Fear had become such a regular part of my life that I’ve just had to accept it. I actually owe fear a lot, because without it I wouldn’t be who I am. I mean, I would, but I would be quite boring. So thanks, crippling and unwavering sense of terror!

In this moment, looking at Hinata’s confused face, I felt too weak to restrain myself. I also really wanted him to know how serious I was about all this. I also just really wanted to hold him, because I loved him so much, and I wanted to prove to myself he was still there. So quickly, too quickly for him to react, I hugged him. I hugged him tighter and tighter, breaking my usual rule of touching him, just this one time (and then nagging myself how this wasn’t the first time, I was breaking that rule a lot lately). But had he fell to his death, I wouldn’t have been able to do this.

“Komaeda, are you--”

“You’re all I have,” I said, meaning it. I didn’t mean it to sound like some terrible soap opera, it was true. “So I don’t want to lose you. Is that so silly?”

“You’re gonna hurt my wrist.” I probably should have been more careful, since his arm that was tied in a sling was sandwiched between us. I still didn’t let go. Eventually, Hinata wrapped his arm around my back. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You don’t know that.” My face almost brushed the side of his head. His hair smelled nice. The texture looked so perfect. I reached up from behind him with one hand to run my fingers through it, then stopped. Underneath his hair was his scalp. His skin. I couldn’t touch his skin. That would be going too far.

“I’m sorry,” he said, earnestly this time. His grip tightened on my jacket, sending chills down my spine. I hoped he couldn’t feel my heartbeat through so many layers. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Just promise me you’ll be more careful.”

“I promise.”

“Do you mean it?”

“Yes.”

I was really tempted to kiss him. But I knew that he wouldn’t kiss me back. I felt like an idiot to even want to confess to him. But I did.

I was aware that Hinata didn’t understand true paranoia very well. I didn’t blame him for it. I slowly let go of him, and I could see the lights of a train in the distance behind him.

“My train is coming,” I said as a pulled away from him all the way. “Please be careful on your way home.”

Hinata smiled at me sympathetically. “I’ll call my dad and ask him to pick me up. Don’t worry about it.”

“....Ok. Th-that’s good.” I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.

I boarded my train and didn’t bother looking back. I knew my face was really red, and I didn’t want him to see. Maybe if everything went as planned, I wouldn’t mind if he saw my face flush, or maybe it would feel right if I was able to touch him. I reminded myself not to get my hopes up. It was enough that I was able to be around him, that he was still ok. That I was still able to look at him and marvel at how wonderful he was.

That he still existed. My relief was almost enough to dispel the fear.

But not quite. 

 

Notes:

I'm glad I was able to get this one done quicker than the last one. It was kind of silly, but I just wanted to do a little fluff before things got a bit more serious. Which leads me to the news: the next chapter will most likely be the last one ((whispery voice) so it might take a while!). Just a heads up so that it doesn't catch anyone off guard. Anyway, thanks for reading as usual, I super appreciate your kind support, and I hope to see you next time!

Chapter 8: Lost Cat and Scars (part 1)

Notes:

Haha....ha....ha...

Ok, I lied, I'm sorry, this isn't quite the last chapter.
This chapter is taking forever to write and I really want to do a good job and I want you guys to have something to read. So the last chapter is going to be split into two parts. Here we go. The beginning of the end.

(Komaeda pov)

 

“I see,” Izuru said as he leaned on the bars of the bridge. “I can understand how something like that would make you apprehensive about confronting your emotions again.”

“....I’m really sorry you had to hear this,” I admitted. I stared at the water flowing swiftly beneath us. The river was unusually high due to all the snow and rain we had been getting. That didn’t stop the kids from the park from getting out their remote controlled boats and seeing who could fight the current the best. “You probably think pretty badly of me now, huh?” I had let a lot more off my chest than I had initially meant to, and now I was beginning to regret it.

“You asked me for emotional support, not judgement. So I’m not going to judge you. It was a rather long time ago, was it not?”

“I was still just a child...but still.”

Izuru sighed. “I do pity you, however. To have a person betray such a serious promise so easily like that would make even the most confident person find it difficult to trust anyone. I can see why you don’t want to tell Hajime about this.”

“Exactly,” I replied. “I’m afraid he’ll take it the wrong way and not see my remorse. I can trust him with anything else, really, just...not this.”

“But you still want to be with him, right?”

“Right, but...when I take telling him about my past into consideration, that goal just seems more and more distant. I’m afraid he’ll just reject me outright.”

Izuru flicked a tiny stone into the river. “Like your other friend did?”

I shivered. “Yes...I don’t want to have to go through that again.”

A slow breeze hit us, blowing cold air across my face. It was absolutely frigid. Izuru brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. “What if you didn’t tell him?”

“Huh?”

“People are allowed to have secrets. You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to.”

“I know that, but....”

“You think he’s sensitive, don’t you?”

It never ceases to amaze me how perceptive Izuru can be. “Well, not sensitive per se, but he told me that he knew about us meeting and seemed kind of...suspicious, I guess?”

“I was the one who told him about it,” said Izuru. “He definitely acted that way.”

“Oh, and get this. He asked me if us meeting together went ‘anything beyond that.’”

Izuru put a hand over his mouth and made a strange sound. No...he couldn’t be, right?

“Izuru-kun, are you laughing?” I asked, in slight disbelief.

“No,” he chuckled. He finally pulled his hand away, revealing a faint smile. I hadn’t seen him smile yet. It seemed so out of place with him. But it didn’t make me uncomfortable at all. “That idiot.”

“Anyway, I know he doesn’t like it when I keep certain things from him, and I think the fact that I’ve been seeing you about this is bothering him.”

“You come to Hajime with a lot of your problems, don’t you?”

“Yes. But not this, for lots of reasons.”

“One of the most prominent being that you’re trying to confess.”

I sighed. “That’s one of them, yes.”

“I think Hajime just wants you to feel like you can trust him,” Izuru decided. “You mean a lot to him.”

I laughed. “He can’t think that highly of me. And I do trust him. More than anyone.”

“Then you need to prove that to him. And all that’s left to do is tell him how you feel.”

I gripped the railing on the bridge. “I can’t.”

Izuru looked at me quizzically. “You’re still afraid?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s understandable.”

“No, it...it’s just stupid.”

Izuru glared at me, like he was trying to murder me with his eyes. If looks could kill, he definitely would have. “Say that again and I throw you over the bridge. Trauma is not stupid. It’s an entirely plausible reason to be afraid.”

“I-I’m sorry! That’s not what I meant!” Well, it sort of was, but I didn’t dare admit it. “What I meant was, I just feel stupid for being afraid. I feel so stupid for still not being able to move forward after all this time.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being afraid,” he interjected before I could go any further. “Just so long as it doesn’t control you.”

I hung my head. “So, I’ve just been living my life up to now as a pitiful coward.”

“I wasn’t there, so I wouldn’t know. But I will say that I think you’re being very brave.”

“You do?”

“Of course. Trying to put your past behind you and move on in spite of all that’s happened takes a lot of courage.” He rested his chin on his palm. “To be honest, I’m a little envious.”

“...But what if it just ends up like last time?”

“It won’t. I already told you, Hajime isn’t that kind of person.”

“I know, but…”

“Komaeda-san, how old are you?”

I looked back at him, a bit taken aback by the seemingly random inquiry. “I’ll be sixteen this coming April.”

“See? You’re not a child anymore,” he said. “You want to put things behind you, you’re already halfway there.”

I don’t know why, but I found this strangely comforting. That’s right. I’m not a child anymore. Things are different now.

“But...how is that relevant…?”

“You can ignore the option if you want, but let me just say this at the very least. You’re trying to put things behind you, a bit more than just halfway, and you want to grow close to Hajime all simultaneously, isn’t that right?”

I gulped. “Yes.” Suddenly, the realization hit me. “Wait, you’re saying that if I confess to him, then I can move on? Like, all the way?”

“Perhaps not all the way, and it’s only speculation,” Izuru clarified. “But even if he does reject you, he’ll still be there for you. That much I can guarantee. So I think it would help you if you told him how you felt. I know it’s risky, and I’m hardly in any position to tell you what to do.”

I watched as a girl with bright pink pigtails snatched a red-haired boy’s boat out of the water by the riverbank and played keep-away with it. “I’m still not sure. I’m still afraid of rejection. We’re both male, so what are the chances?”

“Would it help if I told you that Hajime told me that he is a homosexual?”

My head shot up like a bullet. “You’re not serious.”

“I am always serious,” Izuru replied in a perfect deadpan. “Questioning his sexuality, at least.”

Woah. Ok. This changes a lot. But then, why was he dating Nanami for so long if he was gay? That just didn’t seem right. “I don’t believe you.”

“Well, I suppose you’ll find out soon enough anyway.”

I chuckled. “Stop it.” It took me a moment to see that Izuru was looking at me in a strange way. “What’s wrong? You’re looking at me funny.”

He hesitated. “The other day, Hajime referred to us as each other’s ‘friends.’”

I cocked my head. “So?”

“Is that what we are?” He shook his head. “I mean, I’ve never really had an actual friend before, not even when I was young, so I wouldn’t know what it’s like. But...confiding in each other and lending advice...is that the sort of things that friends do?”

I smiled. “Absolutely. I think of you as a friend. Not just the brother of who I’m in love with.”

“So...we are friends.”

“Yes.”

He paused. “You know, you didn’t have to call me Izuru. If it was too awkward.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Our parents are divorced, so I have a different surname than Hajime. Legally I go by my mother’s maiden name,” he explained.

“Which is?”

“Kamukura.”

I let that sit for a moment before saying out loud, just to see how it sounded. “Izuru Kamukura,” I said. “I like it. It’s pretty. Would you rather I call you Kamukura-kun instead, then?”

“No. I would actually prefer it if you called me by my first name. Friends are supposed to be informal, aren’t they?”

“Haha, I dunno about informal. Casual, maybe.” I grinned. As smart as he usually was, there were some things that even Izuru was clueless about. “Well, now that you’re clear on all that, I guess you can call me Nagito.”

“Alright. Nagito-san…” he waited a moment. “Why do you never call my brother by his given name?”

My smile faltered.

“It...just doesn’t feel right, I guess. He doesn’t call me by my given name, so...”

“But you always call him Hajime when you’re with me.”

“That’s true…”

“Is it different somehow? A formality among closer friends that I am unaware of?”

“No, no, not at all,” I said, a bit flustered. “I don’t want to be too straightforward with him, I suppose.”

“If you two are friends, you shouldn’t have to worry about being straightforward, right?”

“Yeah…”

“You ought to give it a try sometime,” Izuru suggested. “Just call him Hajime the next time you see him.”

“But that would seem weird!” I corrected. “It’s not like he calls me Nagito!”

“It might prompt him to.”

“I don’t know. He didn’t even call his girlfriend by her first name while they were dating.”

Izuru put his face in his hands and groaned. “Good god.”

“Yup. Hajime-kun the stud.”

Izuru stood up from where he was leaning and checked his phone. “I should probably go soon.”

“Ah, that’s right. You’re going home today, right?”

“Yes. I still haven’t gotten packed up. My mother is picking me up one hour from now to go home.”

“Um, ok…” I stood up straight to leave as well. “Izuru....I owe you a lot.”

“What? No. You don’t owe me anything.”

“I’ll just say it anyway,” I insisted, bowing slightly. “You went out of your way to help me when I’m sure you have more pressing matters, and no matter how difficult I was, you saw me through to the end. Nobody’s really done that for me before. I think I feel a bit more confident about myself now. I’m going to try not to run away anymore, and I owe most of that to you. I can’t even tell you how grateful I am. So thank you. Very, very much.”

“Tch. Shut up, you’re going to embarrass me,” Izuru spat.

If this was anyone other than Izuru, I definitely would have been offended. Well, maybe I would have been anyway if he wasn’t blushing. So I just smiled instead. “You’re supposed to say ‘you’re welcome.’”

Izuru grit his teeth in frustration. “You’re welcome,” he growled.

“That’s better.” I spun around on my heels and started walking. “Well then, shall I walk you home?”

He began to walk after me. “That’s quite alright. I can manage on my own. I know that your station is in the opposite direction. Komaeda-san, I...I owe you my gratitude as well.”

“Why?”

“I just feel like I do, like you’ve done something for me that I can’t repay, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Is there a name for that kind of feeling?”

I inhaled deeply. “I don’t think so. Hmm...don’t you think the feelings that don’t have names can be the nicest kinds of feelings?”

“Mmm. But then, they can also be the most terrifying.”

“I guess that’s true.” Now that I thought of it, I knew it all too well.

“I think what I mean to say is that you’ve helped me too.”

“How so?” I asked. “You’re the one who's been helping me.”

“The roles can be reversed more easily than you might think,” Izuru explained.

I didn’t expect to get anything more out of him, so I didn’t press. “When do you think you’ll be coming back around?”

“Not for a long time, I don’t think. I still have much to catch up with in my studies.”

I gripped my phone in my coat pocket. “Can we still talk to each other every once in awhile?”

Izuru pulled his scarf up towards his face. “Sure.”

“Well, uh…” I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for a goodbye. “Bye, I guess.”

Izuru stopped at the fork in the trail where we were supposed to part ways. “Nagito-san.”

“Hm?”

“You decide what you can and can’t overcome, and nothing else. Not fate, not anything.”

I looked down at my shoes. I always felt put on the spot when he spoke to me in this tone. “...Are you certain?”

“I am. You deserve to be with him.”

“No...I don’t. I really really don’t.” We stood in silence for a few seconds until I spoke again. “Thank you, Izuru-kun.”

“You’re welcome. Goodbye, Nagito-san.”

I felt a little sad, watching him leave. But I felt a bit more confident, too. How else could I learn to tell him how I feel than talk to someone who knew him best? And furthermore, who understood me more than anyone else did? It was true, I was still scared. But maybe this time around, swallowing my fear wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Maybe I just wanted an excuse to talk to Izuru, too. Looking at him now, it was a little hard to believe that he had tried to take his own life. I had to remember that he covered the scar on his arm with his sleeves, just like I covered my scars. I had to remember that even though he carried himself with such sophisticated composure, that he seemed so sure of himself, Izuru had been a shell of a person once. Everything he was now hadn’t existed months ago. As hard as it was to believe, I had to believe it. It made it a little easier that I had at least basic knowledge of what it was like to feel like a hollow husk.

This week. Sometime this week, I would try. I would at least try.

 

--

 

(Hinata pov)

 

On Saturday evening, my mom picked up Izuru and drove him home. It was sad saying goodbye to him. I’m his brother, so I’m allowed to worry. I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal, since I would just see him again at Christmas anyway. I will admit that there are times that I wish my brother and I still lived in the same house. Like back when my parents were still together and I lived in the same neighborhood as Komaeda. While Izuru and I got on each other’s nerves a lot back then (Izuru especially got annoyed since he was the older sibling), I still sometimes wonder what it would have been like if my parents had never split up. But I digress.

My wrist had a hell of a time healing after the Death Tree Incident, but it hurt the most over the weekend, so I didn’t have to miss any school. It was a good thing too, since Saionji probably would have killed something if I didn’t give her back the obi to her kimono. The spot that had been struck by a branch was still sore and ached days after the fall, but the pain subsided eventually along with the bruise. I was actually a little worried about Komaeda, what with how he had acted while we were waiting for his train. It was nice that he hugged me and everything, don’t get me wrong. I hadn’t wanted to pull away from it. I had already thought about kissing him, and while close contact was a far cry from that, it still felt nice. What disturbed me about it was the reason for it. I very clearly remembered him saying You’re all I have. You’re allowed to hate me for this, and I really don’t blame you, but my first thought at this was Wow, that’s kind of sad. He said it with such honesty, too. I heard his voice go weak when he said it. Komaeda didn’t really have any friends besides me. He didn’t have parents any longer. I didn’t know what his relationship with his aunt was, but I got the feeling it wasn’t very positive. I never even considered the possibility that I was the only person that he considered important to him. It’s even more sad since I am, generally speaking, kind of a shitty friend. It was a wonder that I was able to keep the ones I had. It made me feel a little special, just for the sake of my own stupid ego, but even more so than that, it was a bit unsettling. Maybe Komaeda really did have trouble growing close to people. I knew that he struggled in social situations, but I didn’t think that he had trouble actually forming airtight bonds with the people around him. He’s just being a little dramatic because he was scared of me getting hurt. He has other people he’s close to. But when I tried to think of a concrete example besides myself, I didn’t come up with much. Komaeda was turning out to be more high-maintenance friend than I had anticipated. It didn’t mean that I didn’t want to be friends with him (I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t want him shirtless, for God’s sake), it just meant I needed to keep up with him on an emotional level. It was stressful sometimes, but it was worth it if it meant I could still be friends with him. For me, it was worth it. It was confusing at times, but worth it.

In addition to all this, I was a little curious about what he had been discussing with my brother. He told me he couldn’t tell me about it yet because it pertained to me and he wasn’t ready. I could respect the latter, but wouldn’t you be a little skeptical if your friend couldn’t tell you something because it “specifically pertained to you?” Because I certainly was. After the fireworks had ended, I had thought of a bunch of possible outcomes as to what it could be. None that I came up with seemed all that believable. I started worrying that I had done something bad. That he might be mad at me for some reason. But that didn’t mean I held back in fantasizing a little. Who knows? Maybe he was about to confess to me. I ruled that one out long ago so as not to get my hopes way higher than they should have been, but that didn’t stop me from thinking about it. Telling me that he liked me, maybe even letting me hold him...that would be nice.  

My worry and mulling was somewhat wasted, since I came back to school on Monday and found Komaeda as his usual, chipper self. My wrist was still wrapped in gauze, so he showed mild concern for it, but other than that, nothing too intense. School life continued as it normally did, without much drama, just the way I liked it. The weather continued to get colder, just in time for winter break, which was only a little more than a month away. The only one who was acting a bit apprehensive in the midst of all this was Pekoyama. She tried not to show it, but she was pretty nervous about her fencing bout on Friday. She said that she had recently found out that a lot of people that had won the competition in the past were coming back for another go, and they had won several times while she had only come in second place twice, and most of them were a bit older than her too. It sounded like a pretty hardcore tournament. I can’t relate to those kinds of stakes since I never got super into sports. I’m mildly athletic, but not enough so that I could ever make any of the sports teams at school. Maybe that’s what my big, mysterious talent is. Being mildly skilled at things. Hey, it’s a start.

I started eating lunch with Komaeda again since my detention was over. We always met in the music room on the second floor. Nobody ever used it, so we pretty much had the place to ourselves. Sometimes Makoto would join us, but not very often, so we usually had the luxury of being alone. Getting to be alone together. I could add that to the ever-growing list of things that made what I was feeling seem real.

I’m pretty sure it was on a Tuesday when he first tried to tell me. We were just eating and talking like we normally did, when the look in his eyes suddenly changed. They became darker somehow, and it seemed like a drastic contrast to their usual bright flicker.

“Hey, um, Hinata-kun.”

I looked up from the cold curry I had brought from home. Komaeda had long finished his food. For someone who’s all skin and bone, he doesn’t really eat all that much. “Yeah?”

“Do you remember what I said to you when we went to go see the fireworks?” he asked, twisting the string on his hoodie.

“Refresh my memory.”

“Uh…” He looked nervous. He was having trouble making eye contact with me. “I had to tell you something. Something important.”

I didn’t respond. Mainly because my mouth was full of food, so it was more like I couldn’t respond. So, embarrassed, I held up my hand signaling him to wait for me. He laughed a little at this. “I think I remember you saying something like that,” I confirmed, finally swallowing. “While we were in the tree?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Ok, yeah. I remember.” I set down my food.

“Well, um…” he managed, “I’ve been talking it over with your brother a lot, and I think I’m ready to tell you.”

“Alright. I’m listening.” I probably shouldn’t have said it so casually, as with a second glance I could see that Komaeda was a nervous wreck. “Are you ok?”

He forced another smile. “I-I’m fine! I just, ah…” he was tripping over his words a little. What in the world did he have to tell me that was making him so nervous? He took a deep breath, pulling himself together, and then looked me square in the face. “I told you that it was about you, didn’t I?”

Suddenly, I noticed that Komaeda was making a face that I hadn’t seen him make before. He looked a little bit pleading and maybe a bit desperate, but he also looked happy, like he was inviting me to come closer. Like he wanted me to. His face was also a little red, I’d noticed. Izuru had taught me how to read facial expressions, and Komaeda was definitely blushing a little.

Was he actually going to…?

I heated up a little at the thought. What if he really was? It would make sense, being as we were alone behind closed doors, so the setting was there. And...it wasn’t too far-fetched, right? We were friends, and we were close friends  too, and he had even said that this involved me. Before I could finish my thought, Komaeda opened his mouth. “Well you see, I--”

The door to the music room slid open with a clatter, making both of us jump at the break in tension. “Hey, I thought I saw you guys come in here!” I recognized the bright pink hair and sharkish smile immediately. It was Souda, with Kuzuryuu standing behind him. “Howsit goin’?”

“It’s going ok,” I replied, recovering from being startled. “What are you guys up to?”

“I needed to give Peko some space to practice, so Souda and I were just wandering around. We saw you come in here.” Kuzuryuu held a hand over his mouth and coughed. “Ugh, it’s so dusty in here. Does anyone even use this place?”

“It’s usually empty. You kind of surprised us,” I said. “We’re not that used to other people coming in here.”

Souda grinned even wider. “Whaaat, was it gettin’ pretty philosophical and gay in here?”

Kuzuryuu elbowed him in the gut. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. “Um…what?” I noticed that Komaeda had taken a sudden interest in the wood grains in the floor.

“It’s fine, it’s fine!” Souda plopped down next to me holding a paper bag that I assumed was his lunch. “I’m cool with philosophical and gay!”

“But we weren’t---”

He gave me a shove. “Don’t listen to me. I was just kiddin’ around. What’s up, Komeister?”

Komaeda’s head snapped back up. “Oh, n-not very much. And, uh, it’s just Komaeda.”

“Is it ok if we eat with you guys?” Kuzuryuu asked. “We’re both kinda bored.”

“Sure. It’s fine by me.” I looked over at Komaeda, and he gave a nod, though it looked a little reluctant.

Long story short, what could have been confessions or lord knows what ended up just being lunch with Kuzuryuu and Souda. Komaeda never got to tell me what he was going to tell me. But it wasn’t the first time he would try. It also wouldn’t be the first time that he was interrupted either.

I think now would be an appropriate time to mention that Komaeda has really terrible luck when it comes to this kind of thing. It’s not even that subtle, it’s pretty obvious when you look at it a certain way. What I’ve noticed is that his bad luck usually comes up right after something good happens to him. For example, he aced every single one of his midterm finals. Soon afterward, he started getting bullied. That was the first time I was able to clearly see it. I’ve even brought it up with him before, and he says that he doesn’t notice anything, but I’m pretty sure he’s lying. I’ve stated before that I don’t believe in fate or luck or anything of the like, but this is actually starting to make me question my stance on the matter.

Komaeda tried to to tell me what it was all week long. Yes, you heard that right. All week. Our conversation on the topic would usually go something like this:

Me: “Hey Komaeda, what was that thing you were trying to tell me earlier?”

Komaeda: “Oh! Right! Well, no one else is around, so I guess it’s fine….Hinata-kun, I---”

Random person (who happened to be Mioda at the time): “GUYSGUYSGUYSGUYSGUYS Hajime-chan, guess what! Ibuki’s got a live recording of her band from their last practice!!! Please please please pretty please sugar whipped cream chopped nuts and a cherry on top give it a listen and tell her if it’s good, because Sayaka-chan says my guitar line isn’t good enough!”

Or one time it was Hanamura: “And what are you gentlemen speaking in hushed tones about? If you have time to natter, I’m sure you have time to help me put up flyers for the culinary club. We’re short on members and,” he paused for a dramatic swoon, “nobody else will help me! The heartless monsters!”

And one time it was even Nanami: “Guys, look! I’ve got screenshots from Flowey’s boss battle. Don’t the graphics look cool?”

Yep. All week long. Every person in our class came up with at least one excuse to talk to us, oblivious to the fact that we were trying to talk about something important. It made me wonder how much free time my friends actually had on their hands. Regardless, it was annoying the crap out of me. I thought about just calling him and asking him what it was that he needed to get off his chest, but I got the feeling that it was the kind of thing that he wanted to tell me in person instead of having to tell me with a screen between us. That was another thing, the suspense was killing me. At this point I had stopped worrying that I had done something wrong, since I couldn’t really think of anything that he would get too mad at me for. And still, a childish part of me still held onto the idea of him telling me that he…

I held onto the notion by a string, or so I thought. I was willing to take it, but I was also willing to let go of it in an instant if it wasn’t true. If my childish notion was right, that he liked me--

I had to stop myself while I was ahead more often than one might think. What was I thinking, getting my hopes up like this? Jeez, I wish he would just tell me so I could stop doubting myself like this.

 

--

 

While I was in the kitchen trying to think of an opening hook for a research paper on my laptop one night, I noticed my dad rushing around the kitchen tidying things up. I didn’t pay much attention to it at first, I just assumed he was getting tired of the mess. Then I noticed him putting snacks out on the kitchen counter.

“What are all the snacks for?”

“The what?”

“The food,” I repeated. “Are we having someone over tonight?”

My dad looked at me like the answer should have been clear as day. “I’m having some coworkers over for a while. I thought I told you already.”

I’ve lived with my dad long enough to know that that was office lingo for “work party.”

“You’re having a work party? Dad, I told you I had to work on a paper tonight. It’s really important.”

“When is it due by?”

“It’s due on Monday. I only have a few more days to do this.”

My dad didn’t have a hint of guilt in his eyes while he thought of a possible solution. “Couldn’t you just write in your room? Or the office area?”

“No, I can’t,” I responded flatly. “Whenever you have people from work over, at least one of them always drinks too much and you guys get really loud. And don’t tell me it won’t happen, because it happens every goddamn time.” It was true. I really hated it when Dad had friends over. Unless I stayed completely out of sight, they would ask me all sorts of questions about school and my personal life and there was one guy who asks me if I have a girlfriend every single time I see him. And even if I did just stay in my room, they would stay up really late getting louder by the minute, so whenever my dad said there was going to be guests over I pretty much just crossed sleeping off my list of obligations since it probably wasn’t going to happen and spent the night streaming shows on my computer, hoping the audio would drown out what was going on down the hallway until I fell asleep. But tonight was different. I actually had work to do.

I love my dad, but sometimes he really pisses me off. Family is just kind of like that.

“Haji, I told you I was having some friends from work over. I sent you a text message.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t get it.” Just as I had said that, an idea occurred to me. I didn’t have to put up with this. I put my reading glasses in their case and started gathering up my things. “I’ll just go somewhere else then.”

“Where?”

“I dunno, the library. I can take public transport.”

“Hajime, The library closes in a half an hour.”

“I’ll just go to Makoto’s place then.” I was starting to hear the impatience in my tone. “It’s right up the street.”

My dad sighed. “Alright. As long as you can get some work done. And come home by nine, ok? It’s a school night.”

“Yeah. Great,” I said sharply. So no avoiding my dad’s friends this time around.

I shoved my laptop and my things into my backpack, pocketed my phone, and bundled up in a down jacket and a scarf. I almost didn’t bother saying goodbye as I left. The second I stepped out the door I was attacked by an overwhelming amount of cold. It must have been just short of twelve degrees below celsius outside. Stupidly, I only had a jacket and a scarf, so I was freezing cold. Unfortunately, I had a bit too much pride to go back inside and get more layers. So I just kept walking towards Makoto’s house, the tips of my toes already numbing inside my sneakers.

I was at the doorstep of Makoto’s apartment complex when it dawned on me that I should probably let him know in advance that I was coming. I pulled my phone out of his pocket and dialed his contact.

Dial tone.

Pick up.

Dial tone.

Please please please pick up.

Dial tone.

Makoto, I’m begging you.

Click.

“Hajime. Hey.”

“Hey!” I was very relieved to hear his voice. “I know this is kind of sudden, but can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Well, I was wondering if I could come over for a bit.”

“Wait, why?”

“I still need to start on a research paper that’s due on Monday. My dad is having a work party and I won’t be able to focus, but I really need to get some work done. So is it ok if I crash at your place? To write my paper? Just for a while.”

“.....Yeah….sorry, but no.”

My heart sank. “What? Why?”

“We’re actually having family over from out of town. My grandparents on my mom’s side. They’re having dinner and staying with us tonight, so I don’t think that would work very well.”

I took a moment to process. Also to keep myself from swearing under my breath. “I see. Sorry to bother you.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry too. I hope you’re able to get some work done on your report.”

“Me too.”

“Well….see ya.”

“Bye.”

I waited for Makoto to hang up, put my phone away, and looked up at the sky, which was starting to get a little dark and I could even see a couple of stars. Then I gave it the finger. I still didn’t believe in fate, but at that particular moment I felt pretty sure that something was conspiring against me.

I wrapped my arms around my cold torso as I struggled to come up with a solution that would A, let me get some work done on my paper, B, not require me to go home, and C, keep me from freezing my ass off. Who else could I lean on at this point? I took my phone back out and started scrolling through my contacts.

Chiaki Nanami.

No...Nanami lived closeby, but I knew that she was pretty busy already, since she was still writing her paper too AND studying for a makeup exam. I didn’t want to bother her, but I filed it away as a last resort.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu.

Kazuichi Souda.

Both of them lived pretty far away from the school. I could take the monorail, but I didn’t even know if it would take me to where they lived. And even if I did, it would still feel awkward bumming a place to do homework.

Nagito Komaeda.

Hmm.

Komaeda lived a bit of a ways from school, but I knew he lived close enough to take the train. I had actually never been to his house before. I could ask him to wait for me by the train stop. Knowing him, he would probably do it. And we might get to talk a little, even if I had to do work for school. We might actually finally get some time alone.

Ok, I will admit that this was starting to become less about the paper and more about Komaeda.

I called Komaeda (thankfully he was home and he picked up) and explained the situation. He agreed to give me directions to his house and wait for me by the stop. I called my dad and told him where I was going, told him that I could get a ride home which was partially true, and he apologized for planning so much on such short notice. With all of that out of the way, I hurried myself to the school so I could get to the stop. I didn’t have money for a ticket, but they never check you for one anyway.

 

--

 

Komaeda lived in a pretty nice house. Komaeda had waited for me by the train stop and walked me there. I mean, it sounded like it really sucked sharing it with his aunt, but he didn’t seem to mind, since he told me his aunt was hardly ever at home anyway. So it was kind of like having a whole house to himself. The house looked pretty old and the paint was peeling, but it didn’t look like the structure needed immediate repair or attention. It had two floors balanced under a slanted roof with wooden shingles, and Komaeda’s room was on the second floor. He said that he still needed to do research on his paper too, so it worked out well. I was pretty stoked just to be there, since I hadn’t been to his house before now.

We set up shop on the floor in Komaeda’s room to get our work done, with Komaeda leaned up against his bedframe. I felt kind of weird, since Komaeda had already changed out of his uniform and into a sweater and jeans and I was still wearing mine. His room was a lot bigger than mine, so maybe that was why it seemed kind of empty. All he had was his desk, his bed, a dresser, and his bookshelf, and his walls were empty and painted a light grey. He had such a colorful personality, so it didn’t really suit him. It was comfy, though. Warm too.

“Remind me why you can’t research at your house?” Komaeda asked once we had gotten set up. “I’ve forgotten.”

“My dad invited some coworkers over for a work party. He didn’t even tell me.”

“Ah yes, that’s right. What’s wrong with that? I’d imagine you would still be able to do research.”

I sighed. “Nope. He’s done this before. It starts out as just a casual get-together, but then they get really loud. My dad has really noisy friends.” I booted up my laptop and put on my glasses. “So doing anything productive while they’re over is kind of out of the question.”

“I see. That does sound rather annoying.”

“Oh, it is.” I looked back at him. “Am I imposing on you?”

“Oh no, not at all!” Komaeda reassured. “I’m actually glad you’re here.”

“Why? We see each other every day at school.”

“Uh...I-I’m having a little trouble writing my thesis statement.”

Komaeda struggling with writing? This was new. “But you’re so good at writing.”

He shrugged. “Creative writing maybe, but that’s not the kind of writing that actually counts for anything in school. I always have trouble with the formal stuff. I tend to write with a lot of voice.”

“Well, you’ve got a pretty broad vocabulary,” I offered. “Writing always sounds more formal if the words are more complicated. Maybe you should start with that.” I knew it wasn’t the best advice, but it was the best I could give, granted that I was pretty mediocre writer at best.

Komaeda hummed in consideration. “I’ll give it a try. I guess I could stand to alter my word choice.”

I left him alone for a few minutes. He looked pretty focused on his typing. “Is it working?”

“Kind of.” He chuckled. “Ten more pages of this. Kill me.”

“I haven’t even written my hook yet, how do you think I feel?”

We both worked for a couple of hours, asking each other for help when we needed it. It was miles better than pressing my face to my computer screen praying that my dad’s coworkers would quiet down for a solid minute. Komaeda and I would get off track and veer into a conversation every once in awhile, which was nice. It helped me give my mind a rest. The moments of genuine silence actually made me kind of nervous. We were in such close proximity with each other, and alone in his house too, so of course my mind wandered a little.

After an hour more, I closed my computer, putting into sleep mode. I rubbed my eyes underneath my glasses. I had gotten a good amount done in three hours, definitely more than I would have at home. I looked out Komaeda’s bedroom window and noticed it was getting pretty dark. It had to be at least 8 o’clock.

I looked over at Komaeda. He was still typing away.

“Komaeda.”

He looked up from his computer screen. “Yes?”

I jabbed my thumb towards his bedroom door. “I need to go home now. I have to be home before nine. Thanks for letting me crash here.”

He took a second to respond to this. “Oh! Y-yes, absolutely! Feel free to come by any time you need to!”

“Uh...would you mind walking me to the train stop? I don’t remember how to get there.”

“Of course.” He started getting up, but stopped halfway. He had a look on his face like he was remembering something. Not something pressing, just something that needed to be remembered. Then, he plopped back down on the floor next to his bed, the same distant look in his eyes. “Actually, Hinata-kun….can you stay for a little while longer?”

I stopped gathering my things. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“There’s something I need to tell you. And I might not get another chance to.”

I set my bag back down. Something he needed to tell me? Wait, was this the same thing he had been trying to tell me all week? I really needed to get home but…

“Is this--”

“I’ve been trying to bring it up all week long.” He already knew what I was going to say. Perceptive. But then, it was a little obvious. I needed to be home in an hour. I didn’t want to risk being late, but Komaeda’s eyes told me I had different priorities.

“Is it important?” I asked.

“To me it is.” He wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

My curiosity was killing me. So was my concern. It probably wasn’t something bad, but I was still wondering. A few minutes wouldn’t matter much. I could run to catch the train if I needed to. So I put down my bag and sat down next to Komaeda. “I’m listening.”

Komaeda smiled nervously. “Well…” he started, but he didn’t get very far. He clenched his fists in his lap. “I’m not quite sure how to put this bluntly.”

His face was turning red again. That tiny little glimmer of hope that I had been trying so very hard to suppress began welling back up in turn. No no no it’s not going to happen. He doesn’t have feelings for you. You’re just overindulging yourself. I didn’t want to listen to myself. I was being selfish, just thinking about what I wanted instead of acknowledging that he might actually be telling me something serious.

Komaeda was quiet for a while. I already knew that he had a hard time opening up, but the suspense was killing me. But I waited patiently anyways. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love you. Finally, Komaeda opened his mouth.

“There’s somebody that like.”

 

At first I just sat there dumbfounded. More than a little crushed. See, I told you. Not everything is about you. It was ok. I had been expecting this. I couldn’t expect him to feel the same way about me. I was surprised at how distraught I was at just this. Had my feelings really been that strong for him?

Trying to hide how much I was hurting, I laughed. “Jeez, you had me really worried. I thought you were trying to tell me something serious.”

“I-I am serious!” he retorted. “I mean--”

“Come on, it’s not that big of a deal. People get crushes all the time.” I teased. “I thought something bad had happened.”

“No, no, nothing like that!”

I decided to pry a little more. If somebody had beaten me, I might as well know who it was. “So who is it?”

“I don’t have to tell you.” Komaeda’s face was still flushed.

He makes a big show out of all this and he wasn’t even going to tell me? The fuck?

“Fair enough. What are they like? Are they in our class?”

He shifted a little, his expression softening. “They’re from class, yes. They’re really nice, always showing concern for others--”

Ok, now I definitely knew it wasn’t me.

“--and I just feel happy being around them. They’re sweet, and their voice is just so nice. I just think everything about them is so perfect.”

As he was listing off qualities, the more I wished they were meant for me. I was already sure that I was in some kind of unrequited hell, so I may as well just ask. “They sound nice. But what does this have to do with me?”  

“Huh?”

“You said that this was about me. So how am I involved in all of this?”

Komaeda flinched. “Uh, I just need your advice!”

“You need my advice.”

“Yes!” He was acting overly flustered. It was kind of creeping me out. “I mean...I-I really want to tell them how I feel. They just seem so far away from me, like I’ll never be able to catch up with them. I feel so small and insignificant when I try to even begin to get my feelings across. I’m just not sure how to do it. But I want to tell them, and...I want them to like me too.”

“You don’t think they like you back?” I asked.

“Nobody in our class likes me that much,” he answered. “They just tolerate me.”

“Hey, that’s not true,” I assured. “They like you a lot. You’re just a little difficult to reach. And I’m sure there’s lots of people who would want to be with you.”

Komaeda smirked. “Do I just drive you wild with desire, Hinata-kun?” he jabbed with a rather sensual look in his eyes. I’m sure he meant this as a joke, but it actually turned me on a little more than I care to admit.

I rolled my eyes. “You always drive me wild with desire,” I said sarcastically.

This got a laugh out of him. “I’m still not sure, though. I’ve tried to before, but I just can’t. It’s like, I’m physically unable to say anything at all. They’re so perfect, and I’m just...me.”

It was true that my negative emotions were having a playground right about now, but I tried to ignore them. I had to, for Komaeda. As much as I wanted these feelings he had to be for me, he was still my friend. And I still wanted to help him. So I said the only thing I could think of.

“Practice on me, then.”

“Practice?”

“Just say to me what you want to say to them. It’ll be easy.”

Komaeda hesitated, then thought about it. Carefully. “Ok.” He scooted over to me and around to my back. Before I could ask what he was doing, he settled in behind me and slowly wrapped his arms around my waist. My pulse quickened, and I tried to say something, but I couldn’t. It had been so long since he had held me like this. He sat so he was straddling my body, and he rested his head on my shoulder in the crook of my neck.

It’s ok. Calm down. This isn’t meant for me.

His breath was hot against my ear, and it made every muscle in my body tense. God, it was so tempting to just turn my head and kiss him so I could hug him back and hold him like this.

“Rather recently,” Komaeda started, in a soft voice. “I’ve come to realize something. Whenever I’m around you, I feel so happy. You’re the one that makes me the happiest, and I believe this to be true. And I know that what I’m feeling for you goes beyond feelings of just being friends. I’ve fallen for you so quickly. I can’t explain why I’m so hung up on you, I just am.” He nuzzled a little deeper into my shoulder. “Whenever I’m with you, I think about holding you like this, and I want to express my love for you over and over again. But I’ve just been so afraid. So afraid that I’m nothing compared to you, but I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be with you and I want to make you the happiest person in the world. Because I really like you.”

 

Oh sweet fucking Christ calm the fuck down oh my fucking God.

I was pretty sure I had stopped breathing at this point (what remained of my breath was pretty weak), my face was hot, and I was surprised I wasn’t hard by now. If I was trying to hide how much I was about to completely lose it, I was doing a horrible job. And none of this was meant for me. Wow, I am pathetic. I had to stop myself while I was ahead so as not to completely humiliate myself. “Th-there! See?” I prompted, my voice cracking. Talk about terrible timing. “That wasn’t so hard! That was like, poetry. Now you just have to tell that to them.”

Komaeda squeezed me tighter. “I can’t.”

I glanced over at his face. “Why not?”

“Because I just did.”

His words hung in the air for a moment or two before I realized what was happening here.

“W-wait…” I interjected. There could easily be a misunderstanding. “Ko, what are you talking about?”

“That was meant for you,” he said. “All those things I said. I’m sorry I couldn’t just come out and say it. I was too scared.”

“Then…?”

“Hinata, I really like you.” His arms were slightly shaking as he was holding me. “And it’s ok if you don’t feel the same way about me.”

I was speechless. Everything he said. He was talking about me. I had been thinking this whole time how nice it would be to be the person he liked, and I couldn’t even see that he was talking about me this entire time. Touching me like this. It was all meant for me. It was overwhelming.

“Me too.”

“Hm?”

“I-I mean...I like you too.” I stuttered. “I feel the same way.”

It was quiet for a moment. It was probably only a few seconds that it was quiet, but it felt like a full minute to me. Then Komaeda turned his head, so his lips were brushing against the skin on my neck. He was touching my skin. This was also new. “Is it ok that I’m doing this?”

“It’s fine…”

He moved his hand up so that he was holding the bottom of my jaw with his fingers. I noticed he was still shaking a little. He opened his mouth and started kissing my neck. It felt really good. I had never had a boy do this to me before. Or anyone, for that matter. I bit down hard on my lower lip trying to contain myself. I almost couldn’t when I felt his tongue on the back of my neck.

“Hinata?”

I didn’t hear him at first.

“Hinata?”

“Huh--oh, s-sorry, what?”

“Can I kiss you?”

I turned my head so I could see him. His eyes were half lidded and turned away from me, his face still kind of red. I couldn’t really blame him, I was kind of embarrassed too. But I really really wanted to kiss him, even if I wasn’t quite sure how. “Sure.”

I had to crane my neck back a little to reach him, but not too much. I kept my eyes open at first so that I didn’t miss. His lips were soft, as expected for someone with such fair skin. After a moment or two, I was able to close my eyes and sink into it.

“My neck kind of hurts,” I said once he pulled away. I was straining my neck trying to reach him from behind me. “Can we move?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

I shifted my body so that I was facing him, still sitting down. I didn’t hesitate to kiss him again. I might have even surprised him a little.

“Mmmm--”

I held the back of his head with my hand, reaching behind him, running my fingers along his scalp. His hair was so soft. It was like the fur on a cat’s stomach times ten. I wondered what kind of product he put in it to make it that soft. In turn, Komaeda placed both his hands under my shirt and on my waist. It felt a lot better knowing that he was doing this fully sober. We continued to suck on each other’s lips, taking it all in, until I felt a dull pain in my bottom lip. Komaeda’s teeth.

“Ow-”

He slid his tongue into my mouth before he could let me finish. It was weird. I wasn’t really able to react to it until he detached from me, a thin string of spit still connecting us. I couldn’t tell whose it was. What I did know was that I was positively burning up from his touch. And now he was coming closer again.

Komaeda pressed his forehead against mine, holding the side of my face. “I only did that so you would open your mouth.”

“Where did you learn how to do that?” I ask between shallow breaths.

He smirked impishly. “I suppose I’ve had a little practice here and there.”

“When?”

“I don’t have to tell you anything.” He shuts me up with another kiss, forcing my eyes shut again. I don’t object. I’m leaned up against the frame of his bed, letting him lead since it feels like he has a better grip on this than I do. His mouth is so warm. I creep my hand up his shirt and brush against his stomach. It’s warm too. I open my eyes, just for a moment, so that I can see that his face is a slight red. I can tell that he’s aroused. But I can’t really speak for myself.

I wanted this to last longer than it did. This was happening. I was kissing him. I had actually been true to my feelings and nobody had ended up getting hurt. I was sure now. I was falling in love with my friend. And I could be here, with Komaeda, just kissing and touching him…

….And that’s when things started to get a little complicated.

“Mmmf.”

I pulled away from him. “What’s wrong?”

“Stop.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Aren’t you going to miss your train?”

“I can wait for the next one.” I would really rather be doing this. I kissed him again. But he didn’t kiss me back. He wasn’t pushing me against the bedframe anymore. He was actually pushing against my chest, trying to get me off of him.

“Hinata-kun, stop.”

I should have respected his wishes. I should have stopped and asked him what was wrong. Why he didn’t want to keep kissing. “No.”

I don’t know why I kept trying. His tongue was lying slack in his mouth. It was like kissing someone who was high. He was barely there. Finally, he grabbed the sides of my face with his hands and pushed me away.

“I said stop.”

I opened my eyes. “Komaeda, what’s the matter?”

“We...we need to stop…”

I furrowed my brow. “I told you I can wait for the next train.”

“It’s not that.”

I grasped one of Komaeda’s wrists, hoping that would get him to stop pushing me away and loosen a little. “I’m not understanding something here.”

His eyes widened. “Hinata, please let go of me.”

Oh my god. Not this again.

“Come on. Why are you being like this? Just tell me what--”

Suddenly, my thumb dug into something. There was an inconsistency on the skin of his wrist. The texture was too rough. It felt like a scab.

Or a scratch. Several of them.

I looked at what I was holding. The sleeve on his shirt had slid down a little, revealing two red scratches on his arm. One of them was faded. One of them still had scabs. But I could tell it had been picked at. I frantically pulled his sleeve down further. One more. Two more. Three more. Four more. FIVE more. His milky, pale skin was obscured by several red scars.

At first I just stared. Mostly in alarm and mild horror. I looked back at Komaeda, who was wearing a similar expression.

“Komaeda,” I said, “What are these?”

He jerked his arm away from me and held it close to his chest, still as wide-eyed as someone staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. “Nothing,” he said quickly.

Scratches.

Scars.

You’ve been hurting yourself.

“Did you do that to yourself?” I asked, still in disbelief. “Why the hell would you hurt yourself like that?”

Komaeda just stared into the floor for a moment, vacantly. Then he leapt to his feet, still staring at the same spot, holding his wrist. “No.”

I slowly stood up, careful not to make any sudden moves. “Hey.”

“No. No. No.” He gripped his arm tighter and tighter. He let go and gripped his head, digging his fingernails into his scalp. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this!?” I yelled. I wasn’t yelling because I was angry. I was afraid. “Why didn’t you tell me…”

That you’ve been cutting yourself? I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. It was too much.

“Shut up!!!” He shot back. “Shut up! You weren’t supposed to see that!!”

Now I was starting to get a little irritated. “No, I won’t! I won’t just shut up! You’ve been hurting yourself and you just expect me to drop it like it’s nothing?” I just wanted to know why. “Can’t we talk about this!?”

“Please,” he pleaded, his breath getting heavier, worryingly heavier. “Just please forget about this.”

“How can you expect me to forget this?”

Komaeda glared at me for a split second. Then he turned around and walked to the other side of the room. He then proceeded to ram his body against his bedroom wall from the side while I watched, completely helpless.

“Ko--”

The dull noise of his side hitting the wall. Thud. Thud. Thud. It was strangely rhythmic.

Stop. Please stop this.

The second I put my hand on his shoulder, he whirled around and pushed me onto the floor with an amount of force I wasn’t expecting. I cried out in surprise, and he loomed over me as  lay sprawled on the ground.

He pointed towards the door. “Get out. Get out of here right now.”

I still tried to stand my ground, even while I was on the floor. “Not on your life.”

He tried again. “Get out of here. And forget everything that happened here.”

“I won’t!”

It was strange. One second he was wearing a face that might belong to a tortured child, unsureness, bitterness, hate, sadness, all contorted into one expression. But gradually, yet all at once, a smile crept onto his face, tugging at the ends of his mouth.

“Ha...ahaha…”

He nearly doubled over, clutching his sides and laughing. It wasn’t the hearty, full laughter that I was used to hearing from him. Nope. This laugh was the stuff of nightmares. It was raspy and ragged, and he was belting it like he couldn’t stop. His eyes were open the entire time, wide and watering. He would gasp to ensure that he had enough breath to keep going. There was something wrong with his eyes. So wrong. The happy circles of green I was used to had vanished, replaced by cloudy, dark, wraithlike pools. Like voids.

“Honestly, Hinata-kun.” He smiled at me, wide. I hated that smile. It was terrifying. “Can’t you tell when your sorry ass isn’t wanted? I told you to leave. I’m done with you.”

 

What the hell?

“Ko, what are you--”

“I hate that stupid nickname, you know. I’m not five, so stop fucking treating me like it.” He was still grinning. I didn’t understand any of this.

He went on. His voice rose. “What, are you still reeling from that kiss? Fucking idiot, you’re so easily persuaded. Painfully easy to fool, too. Ha...you thought I actually liked you enough to do things to you.”

“You kissed me...” I repeated “Because…”

“Oh come now, I knew that you were just crazy about me,” he said in a condescending, singsong voice. “You’re so goddamn obvious, you might as well paint it to your forehead in big red letters. Well, maybe if you weren’t such a shitty kisser that wouldn’t be the only thing we would be doing right now.” I wasn’t sure what kind of expression I had, but it just made Komaeda laugh even harder. That horrible, ragged cackle. “What, did you actually think that I loved you!? Don’t be stupid, you’re a boy. And you’re disgusting even by the lowest of standards.”

I got to my feet. “Shut the fuck up! Komaeda, what the hell is wrong with you!?”

“What’s wrong with me!?” he yelled back, still smiling. “There’s something wrong with you! Who could love you, the living human scum who didn’t even break up with his girlfriend when he knew with absolute sincerity that he was gay! Or perhaps I should mention how he made his own brother try to kill himself?”

I clenched my fists. It was hard not to explode. I wanted to punch him. Anything to snap him out of this. Whatever this was. I couldn’t tell anymore.

He began circling me. “I mean, since we had ties in a previous relationship and you seemed eager enough to cling to me, I thought you would prove useful. I’ve only kept this up for so long thinking that you would at least get me off by now. Why, if I just said the magic words, ‘I love you, you’re all I have, I’m so alone, I adore you.’ Imagine, I could get you to roll over and do anything I wanted. Buuut it’s just my luck that it would have to come to this.” He whispered in my ear. “So leave. I’m sick of looking at your ugly face. I don’t need you anymore.”

Then I really did punch him.

Square in the face.

It knocked him back, almost making him tip over. His hand was holding his nose, where I had punched him. When he pulled it away, there was bright red blood streaming down his face and onto his hand. Some of it had gotten on my fingers.

Komaeda just laughed again.

“Do you hate me now?” he asked.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be here. I was scared. It took me a moment to recognize the focal point of my fear, what I was so afraid of.

Komaeda took another step towards me. “Do you want to kill me? Do you just wish I would disappear? Am I the most wretched piece of human garbage ever to blur your line of vision?”

Please stay away from me.

Please don’t come near me.

I retreated one step.

He kept advancing on me, speaking in a mocking tone. “Haha….I don’t blame you, really. Your disgust for me must be clouding your anger. Is that why you still haven’t left? You should really leave, I must be off to kill myself. Isn’t that what you want? After I deceived you, isn’t that the only proper punishment for me?”

I kept stepping backwards until my back came into contact with something. The wall. I couldn’t back up any further. But Komaeda was still coming toward me, that same, twisted grin drawn across his face. “I disgust even myself sometimes.”

“Komaeda, stop.”

“You should probably get out of here. I find you quite ugly, but at least your body is rather inviting.”

“S-stop it. Please.”

He was close to me now. Our faces were kissing distance, and both of his hands were planted on the wall next to my head, trapping me. His nose was still bleeding, and drops of it were falling onto my clothes and staining them. “Any longer and I might not be able to control myself. What if I forced myself on you and had my way with you right now? It would be so easy like this,” he whispered. “It’s not like I care what happens to you. You’re a virgin, aren’t you? So who would you have the courage to tell?”

My mind scrambled to make sense of this situation. All of it was an act. No. That didn’t seem right. Maybe I just refused to believe it. Is this who you really are? You lied to me. About everything. No, something still wasn’t right.   

I can’t allow myself to be afraid.

Not now.       

I planted my palms on his chest and thrust him away from me, and grabbed his wrist while he was recovering. I dug my nails into his skin. I would make him bleed if I had to, I had no intention of letting go of him. Now it was Komaeda’s turn to look a little afraid.

“STOP IT,” I said firmly. “Tell me why you’re acting like this. I don’t hate you.” It was surprisingly hard to say. What with how he was acting.   

Komaeda was still smiling, but his confidence was faltering. At an alarming rate. “A-acting? Hinata-kun, you’re just kidding yourself aaaahhh---! ” I must have been squeezing his wrist way too hard. But I didn’t loosen my grip. He spoke through clenched teeth. “Don’t touch me. Get your filthy hands off of me!”

“No! Not until you…” I trailed off. “Komaeda...I want to help you. I care about you and want you to be happy, and if you’re acting this way just because I saw your scars, you’re being a fucking idiot!”

“I already told you, I’m not--”

I finished for him. “I refuse to believe that you’re being truthful. You never are, you’re always lying to me about yourself! So please, just stop lying and tell me the truth and I’ll help you in any way I can! It’s ok if you’re not ok. I’m not going to judge you.”

He responded to this by striking me in the face with the back of his free hand. Several times. My head snapped back and forth. He yelled at me in rhythm with the slaps.

“LET! GO! OF! ME!”

In between the strikes, I could see tears in his eyes. His face was red with anguish.

“DON’T! FUCKING! TOUCH! ME!”

I still didn’t let go. Despite the pain, I still didn’t let go. He finally stopped to catch his breath. I still had a firm grip on his arm. I didn’t need a mirror to tell how swollen and purple my face was.

“No,” I croaked. “I’m not letting go of you.”

“Why…!?”

“Because I love you.”

Komaeda tensed up, screamed, and shoved me against the wall. I hit my head on the plaster siding.

I don’t remember anything else.

 

 

Notes:

We've reached the turning point. No going back now.

Chapter 9: Lost Cat and Scars (part 2)

Notes:

Here it is guys. This is the end. No part three. We did it. We freakin made it.
(I've been writing for so long, my eyes need a break)

 

 

(Komaeda pov)

 

I hate myself.

I hate myself more than anything in the world.

More than genocide.

More than loss.

More than poverty.

I’m glad that I hate myself. It’s how I’ve managed to stay alive this long, after all. I owe my life to hating myself. It’s very fulfilling for me to watch myself suffer, like my very own little divine punishment. If I just up and killed myself, my punishment would end. No justice would come from it. Cutting myself had proved to be a worthy substitute over the years, as I could still feel pain and not have to worry about it ending. I even had the scars to remind me of my mistakes. Though I would have to find a different method of discipline soon, since carving up my wrists and draining the blood from my body was starting to become more of a release than a punishment. Funny how that works.

Ever since I met Hinata-kun again, I found it harder to find reasons to hate myself. I was too distracted by him. It was new to me, being with someone who didn’t hate me. Who didn’t call me a freak. Someone who returned my love. I didn’t know how to act or what to say. I couldn’t let a single one of my imperfections slip. I would feel so exposed. And of course, I would give anything to erase what happened to me after my parents died. What I did. What followed. He can never know. So, well….what can I say? I panicked. Standing there in my room, standing over Hinata’s limp body, was when I started hating myself again. It was when I remembered why I hated myself. I couldn’t stop the flow of tears, realizing what I had just done. How could I?

Carefully, I knelt down next to him and shook him. “Hey.”

He wasn't moving. I don’t know what I was expecting. He had hit his head against hard plaster when I pushed him. He wasn’t getting up anytime soon.

“Hey!” I repeated. “I-I’m sorry...p-please wake up.”

Still no response. He was out like a light.

“I’m sorry…” I sobbed over him. “I didn’t know what to do. Please forgive me.”

He’s not going to forgive you, Nagito.

Shut up.

He doesn’t love you anymore. Who would? This is why you’ll always be alone.

Stop it.

Go over it again. The pills are in the medicine cabinet. The box knife is in the junk drawer. There are spools of rope in the garage. There’s a ladder in the toolshed if you want to get to the roof.

I cried louder, hoping I could drown out my own thoughts. I held onto Hinata’s hand like a lifeline. My nose still bled like I had been shot from when he punched me. My blood was getting everywhere, on the carpet, on my clothes, Hinata’s clothes, on his skin. Disgusting. Absolutely vile. I couldn’t believe I was riddling him with germs, even after all I had done to make him suffer even further. I truly was the trashiest, filthiest, living human scum ever to exist. And I was touching him. His skin. I would have to punish myself for this later, maybe cut a little deeper than usual. But what if I severed a tendon? That might actually kill me. Though the option did seem kind of appealing at the moment.

I took my hand away from my face and stared down at the ugly mess of blood and snot and tears. I needed to fix this. And fast.

I could call an ambulance, but auntie might be angry with me since she would have to cover the cost for it. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to talk to the operator. It was too demanding right now. My aunt wasn’t home, but her car was in the driveway and I had my learner’s permit. And she always left a spare set of keys under a flowerpot out front. I could find directions to the hospital on my phone. It would have to do. I grabbed a tissue for my nose, scooped Hinata up in my arms with his backpack over my shoulders (which was no easy task since I’m really not very strong at all, I have a bad case of noodle arms) and rushed out to the car. I threw him in the backseat and took my place behind the wheel, praying that my premature driving abilities wouldn’t get me pulled over and this whole thing turned even more cataclysmic than it already was.

My driving was terrible. I was completely hysterical. I ran three red lights and swerved in and out of several lanes. Just being in a car gave me enough anxiety as it was, so people blowing their horns at me didn’t help at all, even though I knew it was my fault they were losing their shit. It was also difficult trying to decide if I wanted to go fast enough to get Hinata to the hospital before he woke up or slow enough to ensure that he wouldn’t be hurt again.

I didn’t think we would ever get there. I carefully retrieved him from the backseat and carried him in through the front door, and a hospital employee held the door for me. I imagine it looked rather strange, a tall, teary-eyed, disheveled boy with his nose bleeding fireworks barely able to carry his unconscious friend with a purple, swollen face. Alright. Time to pull yourself together, not be a failure, and go to the front desk. As I approached the reception counter, the lady at the desk looked at me with half concern and half utter confusion.

“Um…” I couldn’t look her in the eyes. There were still tears streaming down my face. “It...it’s my friend….”

“What happened?” she asked.

“H-he hit his head against a wall and he’s not waking up. I-I wasn’t sure if I should c-come to the front desk or--”

“Yes. I see.” The woman got to her feet. “I’ll call someone down and see what I can do.”

“Thank you.”

“What about you? Your nose is bleeding.”

“I’m fine. It’s n-not broken.”

“Would you at least like a bandage for it? That’s quite a bit of blood.”

“No,” I sniffled. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I whimpered. “I’m fine.”

My favorite lie. It's served me quite well.

 

A small herd of nurses came down to the front desk and whisked Hinata away from me. It hurt to watch him go, but it was better that way. With him out of my sight, I could think a bit more clearly again. I gave the nurse at the desk Hinata’s phone out of his back pocket so that they could call his father. Actually, I requested a quick personal call before I did.

Contacts

Chiaki Nanami.

Someone should at least be here for him. It shouldn’t be me. Not after the things I had done. I hated hospitals anyway. I couldn’t stay here.

“Hey, Hinata. What’s up?”

“Nanami-san?”

“....Komaeda-kun? Is that you?”

“Y-yeah...I’m c-calling from Hinata’s phone.”

“Are you crying? Did something happen?”

“Hinata-kun is in the hospital. He hit his head really hard.”

“....What?”

“I’m sorry, I--”

“When did this happen? Is he ok!?”

“I-I don’t know, but...can you p-please come down here? I can’t stay.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t. Just please come down here.”

She paused. “Ok. I’m coming.”

She hung up.

 

Hinata was given a bed. It was very temporary, so it was a shared room. Thankfully the other patients were asleep as well. Even though I had said I was fine, a nurse insisted that I wait for my nose to stop bleeding before I left the facility. And I still had to wear a bandage. My face, hair, and clothes were still matted with blood. I smelled like copper all over.

Nanami would be here soon. I would have to leave. But I just wanted to see him one more time. He wasn’t hooked up to any machines. I watched his chest rise and fall, like one would their own child. He looked so peaceful, so serene, so beautiful. Like fire. If you get too close, you’ll burn. Still, I allowed myself to touch his face, stroking his cheek with the back of my fingers. This wasn’t how I was expecting things to end. I don’t know why not. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but they were stuck inside my stomach.

“Hinata-kun,” I say. “I had a nice time with you today.”

His eyes are still shut tight. I was glad in knowing he couldn’t hear me.

“Thank you for helping me with my paper.”

He inhales and exhales. There’s still blood on his uniform.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you.” My voice was getting wobbly. “All day today. That you look so nice.” I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. “You looked so handsome wearing your glasses. Your uniform looks good on you. I was so happy when you smiled at me again, someone like me, even.”  

I was a fool. Thinking that we could be together. Just going along and being happy boyfriends, nope, not happening. We’re too different. My love is so kind and innocent. He deserves to live a life where he doesn’t have to constantly be bothered by a wretch such as myself. I love him dearly, therefore I must detach myself from him completely. I will never hurt him again, or be hurt by him again. Separate from each other, as it should be.  

“And I….I r-really wanted to eat lunch with you in the music room one more time.”

We can’t be together. Not like this. If he’s dreaming right now, I hope that it’s about a world in which I don’t exist.

I lean down and press my lips onto his forehead. If I’m lucky, if we’re both lucky, this is the last he will ever see of me.

“Goodbye.”

 

--

 

I barely remember the drive home. It was dark out. I could have gotten myself killed. And on top of that, I was trapped in a dark haze. I couldn’t think. I could barely feel my hands on the steering wheel. I only realized that I was out of the car when I found myself walking up the stairs to my room in my house. My mind was filled with his sleeping face. It tormented me to no end, but it was ok. If all went according to plan, he would wake up hating me. Then he would forget me and move on. Find himself a nice significant other, earn scholarships, get married, carry on with his life. That is all I could ever wish for him. There is no hope for him with me.

I walked into my room and halfheartedly turned on the lights. The bulb was about to die, so it gave off that high pitched rattle that nobody else but me can hear. I stood there, in the doorframe, looking at the empty room. The carpet was still stained with blood. So was the wall I had trapped Hinata against. I remembered his terrified face vividly. I would never try to force myself on him. I would sooner have both of my hands severed from my wrists and fed to a pack of feral dogs. But I had to make him believe it was happening. It made me feel so much pain, but it was alright. He hates me now. That’s the only way I can cut ties with him at this point. I thought I could hide my ugly scars from him forever, the trashy person that I was, am, and always will be. If I cannot remain beautiful and flawless in his eyes...

...I cannot remain with him at all.

I went down to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I would need it. I can’t dry swallow pills. I eventually found the bottle, but it took a few minutes of rooting around all of the cabinets to find it. It was still quite full. It rattled when you shook it. I went back up to my room, pills and water in hand, and sat myself down on the floor. My eyes hurt. I didn’t need a mirror to see that they were rimmed with red all the way around. With my nose bruised almost black, I must have looked hideous. But it wasn’t like I cared. I didn’t care about anything at this particular moment, shaking the white capsules out of the prescription bottle. I imagined what would happen when they found me the next morning, lying prostrate on my bedroom floor, breathless, no suicide note or anything. No one would mourn me, which was fine. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone. A silent wake for an unmarked grave, leaving this world silently as everyone else sleeps, to be forgotten in a week tops. It seemed kind of romantic. Maybe in my next life I won’t be so unlucky.

I had shaken out more than two thirds of the pills into my hand. I wasn’t sure if it would be enough to kill me, but if it wasn’t I could just keep taking more. Or I could find a different way. Jumping off the roof would probably kill me.

First capsule. I didn’t hesitate to swallow it.  

But then I would stain the sidewalk with blood, and it would take days to get that out. Nobody would want to stare at my blood as they walked on our street. It would be disgusting and unsanitary. I was more courteous than that.

Second capsule.

I hoped that one glass of water was enough to get through a whole prescription bottle. It would be a pain to go down and get more.

I swallowed three more. At once. This was taking longer than I thought it would.

Ah...isn’t this how everyone should go? No regrets, said and done. Rock bottom. Unlike some people, I know when it’s time to quit. When you’re no longer needed in this world. For me, I guess rock bottom was when I hurt the only person that I love. I can never forgive myself for that.

So I have....no regrets....

The capsules were going faster. It couldn’t be long now.

He’ll spit on the spot that I was buried. He’ll remember me as the friend who lied to him, who tricked him for his own benefit. He’ll hate me for a few years, and eventually let other things take over his thoughts and begin to shape his future.

No...regrets....

I don’t hate you.

It was a lie of course. He was nothing but bluster. Still kidding himself into thinking that I was lying. Which I was. That he still loved the boy who was willing to assault him to get what he wanted out of him. I don’t care if he hates me. I don’t care if he forgets me. I don’t care if the only way he can remember me is through nightmares.

Regrets….

If I didn’t care, why was it getting harder to eat the medicine?

Why was imagining his face making my hand move more slowly?

I had tried to separate myself from those moments with him. Empty myself of sentiments. So if it came to something like this, it wouldn’t be so hard. So if that was true, why couldn’t I keep putting the pills in my mouth? Why was this becoming so difficult?

Holding him outside the principal’s office. Watching him turn red and get mad when I teased him. Kissing him and feeling the warmth of his body. The haze around me was beginning to clear. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to forget me.

I was holding the next pill to my mouth, my hand and lips both trembling.

Just take the medicine. It’s not that hard, Nagito.

No...I don’t want this…

Even though I was fairly sure that all of the salt water I had cried had drained my body bone dry, a single tear streaked down my quivering face.

Die…

"I...d..."

His face. His beautiful smiling face. I wanted to hold it again. I wanted to see him again. But isn’t it too late now? Doesn’t he hate me? The only person I care about hates me and my life is a gigantic trainwreck and that’s all it ever has been or will be and I can no longer bring hope to myself or anybody else. So what else is left to do but die?

No.

“I can’t do it.”

 

Ever so slowly, I set down the pill bottle.

I then proceeded to stand up, pick the bottle back up, and throw it out my bedroom window, making the glass shatter along with my wounded resolve. My vision was red and blurry as I stared at the window I had broken, barely breathing, still reeling from the experience of denying myself. My eyes searched the room for something else to destroy. They fell on my desk, which was covered in books and papers. I pushed everything off the desk, and it all fell to the ground in a noisy heap. A couple of water glasses broke. So did my desk lamp, and several other breakable objects, and it made the desk considerably easy to flip on it’s side.

I was angry (pssht, understatement of the year). Mostly at myself for not being able to go through with it. Who was I, letting my emotions complicate a practical decision? I’ve been trying to push aside my emotions all my life, and now I was letting them control me which was unacceptable. I clenched my fists as I stood, panting, over the wreckage I had created, my fingernails digging into my palms deeper and deeper. I tried to focus on the pain. Wasn’t pain one of the reasons why I didn’t want to stay? The pain in my hand wasn’t strong enough. I needed something sharper to convince myself. I rushed to my dresser and dug out my box knife. I was disappointed the blade wasn’t rusted, because then tetanus could kill me slowly. That would have been perfect. I held the blade to my wrist, on one of the clean spots. It would be easy. I had already done this several times before, so now shouldn’t be any different. The pain will make things easier. It will bring me back to my senses.

….Which is what I was trying to tell myself as I was still holding the tip of the blade above my arm….

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cut myself, even though I had done so many times before. When I needed a release, a punishment, whenever touching myself just wasn’t enough to dull my suffering. It had been my reluctant companion through the years. And yet, to this day, I am still unable to explain and let alone fully understand why I couldn’t cut myself in that moment. I just couldn’t do it.

So I just threw the knife at the nearest wall, breaking the end of it. That particular wall was the one by my closet, with a full-length mirror hanging slightly askew. I looked into it every morning when I put on my uniform. I saw myself reflected, no differently from any other day. And I looked into it again. I was still ugly, still sub-human, still worth nothing. I hated the boy who lived in the mirror, mocking me and showing me in every way how much I am unwanted. Nothing had changed, except for red eyes and a bruised nose. I was sick and tired of looking at myself. The person I hated most in this world. I wanted to defile them and make them suffer. Which I was quite aware didn’t make a whole lot of sense.

My fist made contact with the face in the mirror. Sharp twinges of pain shot up my knuckles, but I tried to ignore it. I punched the glass again. And again. And again and again and again and again andagainandagainandagainandagain until it finally shattered. I pulled my hand away. The skin was torn and bloody, and I couldn’t get it to stop shaking. Shards of glass fell to the floor at my feet. My reflection was horribly obscured by the cracks in the mirror. I know, it’s seven years of bad luck, but with a life like mine it hardly mattered. I could break thirteen mirrors, just to tempt fate, and my luck would still catch up with me. Good things had been happening for too long. I should have seen this coming.

It was hilarious.

Hilarious in the most horrible, twisted, demented way. It was so funny that I started laughing. I hate it when I laugh like that. It doesn’t even sound like my own voice. It’s like I’m listening to a recording of someone else, and the louder it gets the farther I feel away from it. It’s like an out of body experience. My sides began to hurt, and I leaned on my bed for support. I kept laughing as I lay myself down, my voice getting hoarser and raspier by the second. I held my hands over my face trying to get myself to stop. There was a knock on my door.

I already knew who it was. I didn’t dare look up from my hands.

My aunt opened the door without knocking twice. There was a pause, and then she just sighed.

“Good god,” she remarked, obviously annoyed. “Wrecking the house again, Nagito?”

I didn’t reply.

“I don’t understand why you always have to break things whenever you have these tantrums of yours.” She swore under her breath. “I’m the one who’s going to pay to replace that window, you know.”

I wanted to kill her. I wanted to jump up from my bed and choke her to death.

“I’ll bring dinner up for you when it’s done. I want this cleaned up by the time I come back. Jesus Christ, how did you get blood on the walls?”

She shut the the door behind her and left.

I might still be able to kill her, in theory. Get away with it, I wasn't so sure. I was the only person who lived with her. I could never evade suspicion with an identity like that and a background such as my own. So instead of devising a solution for her untimely demise, I tried to stop laughing. 

I felt so weak. I couldn't move. Maybe I just wouldn't move.

Hinata...please forgive me. I'm so sorry.

He would never forgive me. It was too late.

I had dug myself into this one and there was no climbing out of it.

Again. 

 

--

 

(Hinata pov)

I woke up feeling extremely nauseous.

I also woke up to a room that was painted all white with lots of blue curtains. I was lying down in a bed that was all white, still dressed in my uniform.

“Mmmm….” I rubbed my eyes. The scenery didn’t go away. This wasn’t a dream. My head hurt really badly. I lady in a pink shirt and pants was sitting at my bedside. She looked like a nurse.

“Good, you’re awake,” she said, beginning to stand. “How are you feeling?”

This feeling was somewhat familiar to me. My head hurt. I was dizzy. My stomach was churning at a sickening level. I felt so sick that I immediately started becoming slick with sweat. I held onto my sides with both of my arms, hoping that would dull the nausea. It didn’t. The lady beside my bed recognized this and took initiative by handing me a giant plastic bag, which I proceeded to retch my guts out into. I had forgotten how bad it felt to throw up like this. Coupling it with a migraine didn’t exactly help.

I don’t know how long I was throwing up for, but it felt like a long time. I could barely breath. There was nothing but fluids left in my stomach. After I had gone for twenty minutes without throwing up, the nurse told me to lie down and wait for the worst of it to pass. In my state of drifting between pain and nausea and barely being able to stay conscious, I was able to recognize where I was. I was in the hospital. Yup, I have pretty mad deduction skills. It also didn’t take me long to remember why I was there. I had hit my head on a plaster wall. Komaeda had thrown me against it.

Komaeda.

Before I could finish my thought, the door to my room slid open. The head of a girl, a rather petite girl with curly hair and an Assassin’s Creed hoodie, poked her head out from the opening.

“Hey there.”

“Nanami?”

She approached my hospital bed and sat herself down next to me. “You don’t look too good.”

“I don’t feel that good,” I followed up.

“Are you feeling any better, at least?”

“I feel like shit,” I repeated.  

She smiled uneasily. “Your second concussion. You’re on a roll.”

“I have a concussion?”

“That’s what the nurse told me. You’re just getting injured left and right lately.” She stared down at her lap. “Your dad’ll be here soon. They had a little trouble contacting him.”

“Oh. Ok.”

I was dazed. I couldn’t form a complete sentence. I was swimming in nausea. It got really quiet, and I could see that Nanami was searching in her hand for something to say.

“Hinata-kun,” she said finally. “You have blood on your clothes.”

I looked down at myself. There were several spots of flaking blood spotting the white of my dress shirt. Man, that was going to be a pain to get out. “It’s not mine.”

“That doesn’t help,” Nanami replied. “Whose is it?”

“Komaeda’s. It’s Komaeda’s blood.”

She reached over and grasped my hand, holding it tight. “Will you tell me what happened?”

“We got in a fight.”

“Over what?”

“He was being stupid.”

“Like how?”

“He just was,” I clarified, clearly letting the intelligence and thought put into my statement make itself obvious. “Why am I here?”

“In the hospital?” Nanami repeated. “Komaeda brought you here.”

I perked up at this. “He did?”

“He called me on your cell phone. I think he was crying.”

“Where is he?” I tried to sit up straighter without shocking my stomach. “Is he here? Is he still in the waiting room?”

“He was gone when I got here.”

I shot up in bed. “That rat bastard sonuva--”

My stomach lurched, and I clapped my hand over my mouth again.

“Do you need to throw up again?” Nanami asked, clearly alarmed. “Do you need some space?”

“I think I’m fine…” I waited for a moment. “Yeah. I’m fine. Komaeda wasn’t even here when you got here?”

“Nowhere in sight.”

He just left?

It was strange enough that he even brought me to the hospital after all of those things he said to me. How in the world had he gotten me here?

“Hajime,” Nanami said firmly. She only used my given name when we were alone. “Why is Komaeda’s blood on your clothes? What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Come on. You can’t just not tell me about something like this, don’t you trust me?”

“Chiaki, just drop it, I’m fine. I don’t--”

“I won’t tell anybody else about this,” she said. “Not if you don’t want me to. I swear.”

I remember Komaeda’s face, when I rolled down his sleeve. I knew that he didn’t want anyone to know about this. But it was true that I wanted to help him, even if I didn’t understand why he said the things that he did. I also wanted to get back at him a little for acting like such a dick.

I squeezed Nanami’s hand tighter. “I think….” I started. “I think I’m in love with him.”

She squeezed back. “Who? Komaeda?”

“Yeah…”

Nanami sighed. “Ok.”

“I went over to his house this evening, to work on that research paper we were assigned to have done by next week.”

“Is that a euphemism?”

“Oh my God, no!”

“Sorry. Was your dad having another work party?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate. I couldn’t go to Mako- I mean Naegi’s place because he was having family over.”

“Ok.”

“And, um...” It was ok. I trusted Nanami not to tell anyone else about this. “Right before I left, Komaeda told me to stay so he could tell me that...tell me that he liked me.”

“Romantically?”

“Yeah, and….he kissed me.”

Nanami smiled a little. “Was it nice?”

“It was. It was really nice.”

“The whole class ships you guys, you know.”

“No. Really?”

“Ask anyone. It was Hanamura who started it.”

Hanamura. Of fucking course.

“So how did this lead to you guys fighting?” Nanami continued. “Kissing doesn’t sound like something that would start a fight.”

This was it. I exhaled. Komaeda might never forgive me for this. I decided that I could be ok with that.

“Chiaki, please don’t tell anyone I told you this. Especially not Komaeda. Promise me.”

“Ok. I promise.”

“Komaeda’s been cutting himself. I’m not sure for how long.”

Nanami’s eyes went wide in surprise. “He’s what!?”

“And I don’t think it’s for attention.”

“Well of course it’s not, all he ever wears is long sleeves…” She put her hand to her mouth contemplatively. “And he never draws any kind of attention to himself. That doesn’t make any sense. Why him, of all people?”

There were a lot of things that Nanami didn’t know about Komaeda. She only knew his shy, cheerful persona that he had created, and after listening to him laugh at me, I decided it was best for it to stay that way. “I guess he just has some stuff going on.”

Nanami was quiet for a moment. “And you just found out?”

“Yep. I had no idea.”

“So what happened?”

“I saw his scars and he completely flipped out. He got really angry, and he told me to leave and forget everything that happened, and just…he got really mad...” I decided not to mention that he threatened sexual assault. “He tried to bully me out of his house.”

“Is that why there’s blood on your clothes?”

“I couldn’t just leave.”

“So you guys started hurting each other because you refused to leave? And he gave you a concussion?”

“He threw me against his bedroom wall.” That was pretty much it.

“But why did he get so mad? I feel like that scars would be the kind of thing Komaeda would trust you with, though probably not many other people, but definitely you....”

“I don’t know. He wasn’t acting like himself.” I slumped my head forward. “You said that Komaeda was crying when he called you.”

“Mmm. He sounded worried.”

“He brought me here.”

“It would seem like it.”

I sat up as the realization hit me like a softball square in the chest. “He brought me to the hospital. And he was crying.”

“Um...you just said that…” Nanami waved her hand in front of my face a little. “Hajime, are you ok?”

I tried to rewind as far as I could go. Right when he started getting angry with me. The scars are what triggered it, No question there. He told me to leave, he started freaking out, he started laughing at me…

That was the most painful bit to remember. Him telling me I wasn’t wanted. Those dark, voidlike eyes still bore holes in my rational train of thought.

“Komaeda, he was…” I said, trying to organize my thoughts. “It was like he was a completely different person, and he…” The Komaeda that had just wanted me for my body. Who thought I was scum for treating my brother and friends like garbage and deceived me just so he could get off. Who threatened to force himself on me if I didn’t leave. Who hit me until my face was bruised and swollen and then knocked me out by throwing me against his wall.

That same Komaeda had cried for me. If he didn’t care about me, he wouldn’t have even brought me here. My eyes wandered past Nanami. My bookbag was propped up against the wall next to my bed, my reading glasses in their case and neatly tucked into the front compartment. He brought me and my things to the hospital.

Shouldn’t you be going? I must be off to kill myself.

The fear inside me was building up at an unstoppable rate, making the tips of my fingers feel hot. “I need to call him.”

“Komaeda? Hajime, you--”

“Chiaki, I’m serious! I’m worried that something really bad might have happened! Where’s my phone?” I reached around to the pockets of my pants. My phone was nowhere to be found.

“One of the nurses has it,” Nanami reassured.

“Can I use your phone? He called you, didn’t he?”

“He called me from your phone. I don’t have his number.”

“Fucking hell--” I tried to force myself out of bed, only to shock my stomach by mistake. I clapped my hand back over my mouth to try and keep it all in, but it was going to happen. I was going to be sick again. Nanami frantically handed me another plastic bag and averted her eyes. It was so embarrassing hurling my organs out in front of a girl. I heard the door to the room slide open, and a nurse walked in. She gave me some space for a moment to recover.

“I just came in to let you know that your father is here.”

“I need to leave. I need to leave right now.”

“I’m sorry, but your father still has to sign your release form.”

“At least give me my phone!” I yelled. “I need to call someone! It’s important!”

“Hajime!” My dad rushed into the room. He was still wearing his huge duster coat and his shoes didn’t match. But that hardly mattered right now. “Oh thank god…” He ran right up to my bedside and hugged me tight, crushing the wind out of me. “Are you alright!? What happened?”

“Dad, I’m fine.”

“Jesus, don’t do this to me…” he muttered. He pulled away from me, resting his hands on my shoulders. “How did you hit your head? And---” his eyes wandered down to my stained uniform shirt, “--dear lord, is that blood?”

“I-It’s not mine!”

“Well then whose is it!?” he asked rather forcefully. “Did this happen at your friend’s house?”

“We just got in a fight, Dad, I need to call him, something might have---”

“A fight that made him draw blood? And ended with a concussion?”

“It wasn’t his fault. You have to believe me.”

“Absolutely not,” my father said. “I'm going to talk with this friend of yours, and if he was responsible for your concussion--”

I had to lie. “I was the one who started it.”

Nanami tried to stop me.

“I was being an ass, and he just took it the wrong way,” I continued. “He didn’t try to hurt me. I just need to apologize to him. It’s ok. Really.”

My dad sighed. I just knew he was going to get on my case about this in the car. “Fine.” He nodded at Nanami in acknowledgment. “It’s good to see you again, Nanami-san.”

“Likewise, Hinata-san.”

“I’ve signed your release form,” my dad continued. “We can leave as soon as you’re feeling up to it.”

“I can go now.”

“What? The nurse told me you just woke up.”

I did my best to sound eager, even though I quite frankly still felt like shit. I just needed to get my phone back as soon as possible. “I’m fine, really. I still need to go to school tomorrow, right?” Even if I couldn’t get ahold of him, Komaeda would still be at school, right?

“You are not going to school tomorrow. You need to rest.”

“But--”

“Hajime.” My dad gave me the glare of all seriousness. “You have a concussion. You’re going to stay home and rest.”

I couldn’t really argue with that.

“Hey, it’ll be ok.” I realized Nanami wasn’t holding my hand. That was probably good, since my dad was here. “I’ll tell our instructors why you’re absent. I’ll let Komaeda know that you’re doing alright. And I think you should rest a little. What if you get sick again?”

“You’ve been getting sick?” My dad asked.

“....Only a little?”

He sighed again. I felt really really bad stressing him out like this. “I think we should stay until your stomach settles down.”

I was so tired. So tired that I didn’t feel like arguing. Throwing up is exhausting. I could feel the sleep tugging at my eyes and weighing down my body. So in the end, that was what was ultimately decided.

Nanami kept me company while I could stay awake. She showed me screenshots from Let’s Plays she was watching, we talked about school, and she let me rest my eyes every so often. And she would tell me again and again that everything would be ok. It wasn’t very convincing, but I accepted it willingly. She and her mom had to leave once visiting hours were over, but my dad was allowed to stay since he was my ride home. So I tried to sleep. I had nothing else to do.

Other than think about Komaeda.

I thought about how he had laughed at me. His horrible, ugly laughter would probably end up haunting me for days. How his eyes had changed, too. How he had gone from being such a kind, sweet, if not a little bruised person to this...thing. The Komaeda that I knew--

Wait. Can I really say that I ever knew Komaeda? Certainly not this Komaeda. It was all so confusing. Part of me hated him, of course. He had no right to call me those names. He had no right to use Izuru’s suicide against me, hell, I could have beat him to a pulp right then and there just for bringing that up. I had just come to believe that he was a better person than that, but I guess he wasn’t. I knew he wasn’t really going to force himself on me. Sort of. I was still scared. But I guess I just wasn’t so sure. If he hated me enough, like how he had expressed many times over, it was possible. If he really did hate me, and only wanted me for my body, it would be possible that he didn’t care what happened to me. But if that was the case, wouldn’t he have just gone through with it instead of being so insistent on me leaving?

And if he truly didn’t care about me, why would he even bother bringing me to the hospital? And why would he bring my things with him?

Why would he cry for me?

None of it was true. I wasn’t convinced that he was being completely honest. Everything he said was all an act (at least that was what I wanted to believe), but why would he do something like that? I tried to help him, I told him that I didn’t hate him, I even told him that I love him, which I do...and he just attacked me.

This was all so complicated. To complicated for me to stay awake for. I fell fast asleep, giving in to the weight on my eyelids and my limbs. I didn’t dream. That was the saving grace of this whole fiasco. My mind letting me sleep in silence, peacefully, without being interrupted by the horrible thoughts running through my head.

I was awakened by my father shaking my shoulder, trying to rouse me.

“Dad?” I was still only half-conscious.

“We should go now,” I remember him saying. “You haven’t gotten sick for a while. I want to get you home.”

My dad gathered my things and I left in a wheelchair. There was nothing wrong with my legs, it was only hospital policy for me to leave like that.

I barely remember the ride home. I must have fallen asleep again curled up in the backseat. It too was dreamless, but it was surprisingly lucid. Like my body was sleeping, but my mind refused to loosen its grip on reality and let me lose consciousness completely. My stomach brought me back for a few seconds at most before I drifted off again. It was actually rather unpleasant.

I woke up in my bed. The lights were off. I was still in my bloody school uniform, curled up in a wad of bed sheets. I must have still been asleep when we got home. It wasn’t completely dark. Overcast, polluted light shone in through my bedroom window. The sky is never completely dark at night in the wintertime. But I didn’t have the energy to get up and close the curtains.

I couldn’t fall back asleep. I was tired and still barely conscious, but I didn’t sleep.

Instead I just cried.

And I had no idea why.

 

--

 

“Hinata, Hajime.”

It sounded like a dull noise, like something out of the background.

“Hinata Hajime.”

“Huh?” I said, looking up from my desk. “I’m sorry, what?”

Usami-sensei adjusted her glasses. “Do you want me to mark you absent again?”

“No. Sorry. I’m present.”

“What happened to your uniform?”

I looked down at what I had ultimately decided on as a replacement. It wasn’t much. The school uniform policy stated that you could use whatever you wanted as a uniform, just as long as it included a base that the school provided and you stuck to it. I hadn’t been able to wash the blood out of my uniform yet, so I had to use a black knit sweater (hand-me-down from my brother) and a different dress shirt as a substitute.

“Um...actually it got kind of...bloody.”

“Yes, that’s right, you’re still recovering from a concussion,” she dismissed. “Are you feeling any better?”

“I’m doing ok.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Please don’t push yourself too hard.”

Souda leaned over to me from his desk. “Man, that looks painful. What happened to your face?”

Most of the bruises I had gotten had somewhat faded, but there was still a big purple one on my right cheek. I tried to laugh it off. “It doesn’t hurt. I tripped going up the stairs in my house and hit my head against the wall.”

 

Komaeda wasn’t at school when I came back.

 

I had been gone for two days, and over those two days I had mostly slept and sent him a barrage of calls and text messages. My dad wouldn’t let me leave the house, and I didn’t remember the way to Komaeda’s house anyway, so I had no way of knowing that he was ok. My outbox was overflowing with messages, all sent to him.

H: Are you ok

H: Komaeda are you doing ok

H: Please pick up your phone

H: What happened to you

H: You can tell me

H: Komaeda please don’t do this to me

And dozens of others of similar caliber.

I tried calling him several times, but he never picked up. After the first few attempts, my calls started going straight to voicemail. At least I knew he was well enough to turn his phone off. Or maybe the battery just died. I always left a message, just in case.

Attempt 1:

“Hey, Komaeda, it’s Hinata. I’m just calling to see if you’re ok...you know, after what happened. And thank you for giving me a ride to the hospital. So if you’re there, give me a call back. Bye.”

Attempt 2:

“Hey, it’s me again. You haven’t picked up yet, so, uh...yeah, I thought I’d try calling again. Let me know if you’re ok...or if there’s anything I can do. Bye.”

Attempt 3:

“Komaeda, please just pick up. You’re really worrying me. I want to talk to you again, just to sort things out. Please.”

And it sort of slowly escalated from there.

Attempt 12:

“Komaeda, pick up your goddamn phone! I don’t know what I did, and I’ve already told you I’m sorry! Why does this have to be so difficult? Just tell me if you’re ok! Oh and just so you know, you gave me a concussion. Congratulations, asshole.”

Everyone I talked to in my class had not seen hide nor hair of Komaeda since the day I got hospitalized. He just disappeared. He didn’t call in sick or anything, he just didn’t come to school. So according to my own absences, he had been gone for three days. No wait, four days.

He wasn’t at school the next day either.

Or the day after that.             

I was starting to get pretty freaked out.

I bombarded him with twice as many text messages and calls. None of them went through. I wished for the life of me that I was able to remember the way to Komaeda’s house. And then half of me was a little relieved I didn’t remember. I didn’t know why. It was like I wanted to see him again, just to see if he was alright, but that didn’t really mean I wanted to forgive him. That would take some time. Or maybe I was just afraid. Afraid of what, I wasn’t so sure. Maybe it was Komaeda himself I was so afraid of.

I came back to school on Monday after a weekend of worry and attempts to get in touch with him. Still no Komaeda.

I had Nanami trying to get into contact with Komaeda too. I even called my brother and asked him to try and get ahold of him. But they both told me that the message always went straight to voicemail. Regardless, I kept on frantically texting him. There wasn’t a single moment out of the day that I wasn’t worried or thinking about him or wondering if he was ok. I was so scared. I was scared for him. But it was because of that fear that I couldn’t bring myself to just trust my memory and try to find his house again. I was afraid of him, and I was afraid of what I would find if I managed to get there. I was afraid of the boy I was in love with. Isn’t that stupid?

My fear manifested more and more. It all built up inside me like I was about to collapse in on myself. Never away from my thoughts, always haunting me. His smiling face, his crying face, his laughing face. All of them burned into my brain. And it all came crashing down on me one night when I was alone in my room.

 

It was raining hard that night. Like, raining buckets. The constant patter of the rain hitting the roof would have been therapeutic if I wasn’t so goddamn scared. To make matters even worse, I was all alone in the house. My dad was off on a business trip and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow evening. He trusts me, though he was a bit reluctant after my little concussion episode, and I suppose that trust keeps our relationship healthy. But I needed to be with someone. Even if they were just a few rooms over, I needed that sense of security. I was just curled up on my bed, thinking about how badly I wanted to see him. What if something bad happened to him?

What if he was still sawing at his wrists? I squeezed my fingers as I tried not to imagine him, sitting on his floor with a knife beside him, both his arms wet with blood.

What if he was dead?

It wasn’t the first time I had considered it. But it was the first time that I had actually believed it was possible. He could have jumped off of his roof. He could have bled himself out like Izuru had tried to.

He’s going to die. He’s going to die because of me.

I almost laughed at this. I killed him. If he’s dead, I killed him. I had done nothing. I hadn’t taken this seriously. I had just sat on my ass with my phone in my hand. I hadn’t even thought of calling the police or a youth hotline or anything like that. Whatever happened was on me. I would take the blow from this.

Blaming myself for things has always been way too easy. But I couldn’t let myself sit by while someone I loved was erased. This was not going to happen twice.    

I decided to try calling him one more time. It would probably be a waste of breath, but I needed to do it.

Attempt 23:

“Hey, Komaeda, it...it’s me again. I’m sorry I yelled at you so much.”

Apparently I hadn’t thought this out so well.

“Listen, um...you’ve been gone for a while. Nanami and I are really worried, and everyone in class is wondering where you’ve been. And you haven’t been answering a single one of my texts, and I just…”

I was trailing off. My voice was cracking. Yes, I sounded professional.

“Komaeda, listen,” I started, trying to calm myself down. “All of those things that you said to me last week are still in close perspective, but…I…” I paused. “Nothing you can say is going to convince me that you were telling the truth. I refuse to believe that you’re that kind of person. And maybe I’m just digging myself into a hole believing it, but it’s true. And...if it helps….”

I swallowed. “I meant it when I said that I love you. I r-really want to see you again. I miss you. So please come back to school.”

I pressed the button to hang up and waited for the message to send. There was a beep, along with a notification.

Receiver's memory full. Voicemail not sent.

I threw my phone at my bedroom wall. I probably cracked the screen, but I didn’t even care. I drew my knees in and just cried. Boys don’t cry. They’re not allowed to cry. I say that’s bullshit. Girls are allowed to cry anytime they want, but boys are called “pussy” and “gay” for crying, even in private (to be fair I fit both of those descriptions perfectly, but still). Komaeda might as well be dead. I killed him.

You killed him. You killed him, Hajime.

You killed him you killed him you killed him you killed him you killed him you killed him youkilledhimyoukilledhimyoukilledhimyoukilledhimyoukilledhimyoukilledhimyoukilledhimyoukilledhimyo ukil ledhi m y o ukille d him You’re just going to let him die, you selfish son of a bitch.

I heard a low rumble of thunder outside. The rain was still coming down hard, like it was trying to remind me over and over again how things were going to turn out.

It was all my fault. Why is everything always my fault? Why do bad things keep happening to the people that I love? And why am I always too cowardly to keep it from happening?

Why did things always have to turn out this way?  

My self-hate was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing.

I looked up from my hands. It was probably just a solicitor. Wait, that couldn’t be it. What kind of idiot would go around soliciting this late in a thunderstorm? Maybe whoever it was would go away if I waited long enough. But the doorbell rang again. I sprang up from my bed.

God, this was going to be embarrassing. I was able to stop crying to some extent, but my eyes were still red and puffy. If it was somebody from school or that I knew otherwise I would probably have to explain why I had been crying. I could lie, but that might make me cry more or they might not believe me. But it would be rude to ignore them, so I left my room and made my way through the foyer and to the entryway to answer the door. It had been dark out for a long time. What could bring someone here at this time of night out in the rain? The porch light wasn’t on, so I couldn’t see out the window. Without bothering to turn it on and stupidly taking no precautions at all, I opened the front door. The rain was even louder with the door open.

And I nearly did a double take.

It was him.

He was dripping wet, not even wearing a coat or a jacket. But it was him.

“Hi.” He smiled weakly, holding up a thin black pen. “You forgot one of your pens at my house.”

“...Komaeda?”

He looked terrible.

Sure, he was drenched in water from all the rain, but even with that aside he looked like absolute hell. He was smiling, but it wasn’t a very happy smile. His face was a lot paler than usual, he was hunched over quite a bit, and he had huge bags under his eyes, possibly due to lack of sleep or stress or possibly both. And on top of that he wasn’t even wearing a coat and was dripping wet in the shivering cold. He was only wearing a grey sweatshirt and some jeans. And even with the sweatshirt, he looked thinner than usual, if that was even possible.

Oh my god. You’re alive.

I really wanted to hug him. I could have cried I was so happy to see that he was still alive. But instead, I grit my teeth and struck him across the face with the back of my hand. His neck snapped his head to the side, and he touched his hand to the spot that I had hit him. “What was that for?”

“Payback,” I replied as firmly as I could. “For giving me a fucking concussion.”

“Oh.”

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. So I did hug him. He was wet and cold and my shirt was getting soaked just coming into contact with him, but I didn’t care. I was unable to contain my joy. This ugly, hateful, resentful joy. I held him tighter, not caring if I crushed him.

“Hinata-kun, I can’t breathe.”

“Shut up.” But I loosened myself a little. I held him for a bit longer, then let go all the way so that I could see his face. Yes, I was happy to see him. But I was still also royally pissed off. Why shouldn’t I be? He threatened me, gave me a concussion, and then didn’t answer his phone for over a week. Why shouldn’t I be mad at him? I opened my mouth to give him a piece of my mind, but stopped when I examined him closely. He looked so tired. So pale. He was frail enough as it was, so he could probably catch something really awful if he lingered out in the rain for long enough.

I suddenly heard a strange noise. A low, barely audible growl. It surprised me a little. I heard it again. And then I facepalmed.

“Are you by any chance hungry?” I groaned.

Komaeda blushed. “W-why in the world would you think that?”

I grabbed him by his arm, making him cringe. “Get in here.”

“W-wait!”

I got him inside the house and slammed the door behind me. “What the hell were you doing out in the rain without a coat? It's got to be freezing cold out there.”

“I wasn’t thinking…” He was speaking in a bland tone, with his tired eyes turned away from me.

“No shit you weren’t.” I motioned toward the couch in the living room. “Go sit down. I’ll get you a towel and some dry clothes.”

He fidgeted back and forth. “But I’ll get it all wet and ruin it--”

“I said go sit down.”

So he did.

I went to the bathroom and got a couple of towels. They had just been washed, so they still smelled faintly of detergent. I also dropped into my room to get a tee-shirt and and some sweatpants. Actually, that's a lie. I changed my mind on the tee-shirt after thinking about it. Komaeda’s forearms would be exposed in a shirt without sleeves. And judging how he had reacted the last time that happened, it would probably make him uncomfortable to say the very least. So I traded it in for a shirt with longer sleeves.

When I came back to the living room he was shivering on the couch. He looked really pitiful, like he was trying to convince the world he wasn’t cold even though he was dripping wet and shaking like an epileptic. I stood behind him and wrapped one of the towels around his head, moving it so that I was drying his hair off.

“You should be taking better care of yourself.”

“Sorry.”

His hair really isn’t that thick, so it probably wouldn’t take that long to dry the rest. I moved down to his face and neck, trying to get as much water off of him as I could.

I heard his stomach growl again. It was a little louder this time. I handed him the clothes I had picked out of my room. “Go change into these and dry yourself off. I’ll make you something to eat.”

“I-I’m fine, thank y--”

“Go change. Please,” I said firmly. “I’m not letting you get sick.”

“Ok…”

I noticed that he barely seemed to be capable of getting more than a few syllables out of his mouth at this particular moment.

I ran into the kitchen and assessed my resources. I needed something quick and healthy. I opened the cupboards and pulled out a can of split pea soup. Perfect. This shouldn’t take too long. I had heated up the stove and brought the soup to a simmer when I heard Komaeda come back out of the bathroom. He was wearing the clothes I had given him, thank God, and despite his paleness he looked a lot better than he did before now that he was all dried off.

“It’s almost ready,” I said.

He ignored me and wordlessly took a seat at the kitchen table. I was able to serve him his food a few minutes later.

“Hinata-kun,” he said, looking away from the bowl of soup. “I really hate to be rude, but I’m not--”

“Just eat it. You look like a walking corpse.”

Still avoiding eye contact, he took the bowl of soup and tipped it so that he was drinking it out of the bowl. It took him a while, but he was able to finish it. As he did, I was relieved to see the color returning to his face. I stayed leaned up against the counter, wondering how long exactly he had gone without eating anything. Judging from this state of his, it had probably been a while. When he finished, I took the bowl away from him and stuck it in the sink along with several other dishes that needed to be done.

And then it got really quiet. Not exactly awkward, just quiet.

So I spoke first.

“Where have you been?”

He swallowed. “Nowhere.”

"Bullshit."

"It doesn't matter."

“Where the hell have you been!?” I shouted. “Nanami and I have been calling you for days and you never even bothered to pick up your phone!! Do you have any idea how much you scared us?!”

“I just...I just needed a little time.”

“Don’t give me that. Don’t fucking give me that.” I was being a lot louder than was necessary, but I didn’t care. “When you ‘needed a little time’ you also had to cut everyone else and all communication off!? You could have at least told us that you were alright!” Or maybe he wasn’t alright. At least he wasn’t dead.

Komaeda just stared down at his lap.

I sighed. “Why did you come back?”

“I wanted to properly apologize.”

“For what? A lot of things come to mind.”

“For everything.” He fidgeted in his chair. “First off, I’m sorry that you had to meet me.”

“Wait...what?”

He chuckled. “I’m just the worst, aren’t I?” he said somberly. “I think you should sit down. We should move to the couch.”

So we moved to the couch in the living room, with Komaeda and I on opposite sides of the couch, Komaeda’s arms rested on his knees. He still looked sickly, so I got a warm blanket from out of the dryer and wrapped it around him. I wish I could say that after all of this I was able to detach myself from him, but I couldn’t. I felt as nervous as I always did when I was with him. It didn’t help since I had already kissed him. In fact, I really really wanted to kiss him again. I hated him so much right now but I really wanted to hold him as close to me as I could and kiss him. Is that weird? Nah, it can’t be that weird.

“First of all, I got all of your messages,” said Komaeda. “And I don’t blame you for being angry with me.”

Wordlessly, I let him go on.

“You have every right, after all. I couldn’t have hoped for a better outcome, really. Except the fact you couldn’t cut ties with me.”

“What are you talking about?”

Komaeda shifted. “You growing this attached to me was something that I wasn’t prepared for. I thought that when I tried to hurt you it would be enough for you to hate me.”

“Woah woah woah, ok, stop. Slow down.”

“What?”

“I just…” I just. I needed to take a moment. “Komaeda, here’s how this is going to work in order for me to be able to process all of this. I’m going to ask the questions and you’re going to answer accordingly. And you’re going to tell me the truth, only the truth, and nothing but the truth.”

“Ok.”

I took a deep breath. “First question. How long have you been cutting yourself?”

His eyes widened a little, and he withdrew. “Can I answer that one later?”

“Sure,” I said. “Second question. Why did you hurt me?”

“I wanted to make you hate me.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I didn’t expect you to understand,” he dismissed. “Hinata-kun, I was ignorant. Do you remember those things that I said to you? That you were disgusting? That I only wanted you for your body? That I was willing to resort to assault to get what I wanted out of you?”

I nodded. Sadly, all of it was still fresh in my mind.

He smiled. “Well, none of it was true.”

“I know,” I said. I did mean it.

“I was stupid,” he said. “I was stupid thinking that we could be something.”

“You started panicking when I saw your scars,” I addressed, uneasily.

“It made me remember,” he said.

“Remember what?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

I stared down at the couch cushions. “I wasn’t lying, though,” I said. “I wasn’t lying when I said that I liked you. Or when I said I wanted to help you through whatever’s happening to you.”

“That was literally the worst outcome I could have hoped for,” Komaeda sighed.

“Why?”

“I let you grow too close to me, that’s why. Trash like me can’t have anyone close. Ever.”

“Komaeda, that’s not true.”

“I know, I know, I didn’t expect you to get it.” He smiled. “Hinata-kun, I was really happy when I saw you again after so many years. Your face hadn’t changed much, your hair hadn’t changed at all, you still have that strand of hair that sticks up in the middle of your head, it was really only your personality that had changed. You still even double-knot your shoelaces.”

“I’m amazed that you remember that.”

“I remember a lot of things,” he said. “I also remember how I’ve always felt about you.”

“You weren’t lying when you said that?”

“That was the only thing I said that wasn’t a lie. It’s been my only truth in a very long time.” He hesitated. “It’s also the reason why we can’t be friends anymore.”

My eyes widened. “Can’t be--- Komaeda, that’s ridiculous!”

“It isn’t!” he defended. “It’s the only option for us. This is only what I deserve after everything, and nothing can change that. You...someone like you deserves better than someone like me.”

Two beats. Maybe three. I sighed, a deep sigh, a deep breath, that lasted for longer than it should have. “How long have you been cutting yourself?”

“A while.”

“How long is ‘a while?’”

“Just...a while. On and off. There are times that I can go for months without doing it, but it’s easy to relapse.”

I didn’t want to talk about the cutting. I really didn’t. At the same time, I wanted to show him that I could move past it, so I didn’t say anything else. I reached out to hold his hand, just to make sure. He yanked it away as soon as he felt the contact. Yup. We were back to square one. Hoh boy.

“Please don’t do that,” he said firmly.

“Oh, so you’re ok with kissing but we can’t hold hands?”

“Shut up! We never should have kissed in the first place! I was being stupid. Irrational.”

“If you were being stupid I wouldn’t have kissed you back, you know.”

He didn’t answer. His hand just hung in the air next to his chest.

“Can I ask you another question?” I asked.

“Sure.”

“What did the scars make you remember?”

“A time that someone left me.” He put his hand down. “A friend of mine.”

“Why did they leave?”

He smiled again. “Hinata-kun, can I try something?”

“Try what?”

“I want to try to make you hate me again.”

“But I don’t want to hate you.”

“How else am I going to get you to let go, then?” he asked. “Hinata, my entire life there has only been two, no, three constants that I can always count on. My luck, my own foolishness, and being left behind. You’re just going to leave me eventually, so what’s the point of trying? And even if you don’t, I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to break you.”

“You’re not going to break me.”

“You don’t know that,” he corrected. “You don’t know anything about me. I know you see me as some sort of a...a...I don’t know, a fragile object. Something that needs to be protected that isn’t capable of evil. I can assure you that is not who I am. That is...so far from who I am.”

“So why don’t you ever stop harping about who you’re not and tell me who you are?” I snapped. “You can try to make me hate you, but it’s not going to work. You’re still Komaeda, you’re still Ko-kun, you’re still the sa--”

“I killed someone.”

 

--

 

My voice gave immediately.

Everything just sort of….stopped. Even the rain hitting the roof felt and sounded distant.

“You…”

He smiled. “Well...that’s not entirely true. Something, I killed something. It wasn’t a person. It was an animal.”

“Komaeda...what are you talking about?”

“Hinata-kun, do you remember Haruka-chan? With the dark pigtails?”

Wordlessly, I nodded. I only vaguely remembered Haruka. She was another childhood acquaintance of mine. Komaeda and I played with her sometimes since she played at the same park with us after school. She always wore her dark hair in two pigtails with pink hair ties. I wonder how she’s doing, now that I think of it.

“Do you remember her cat? It had kittens once, and we got to hold them.”

“Yeah, I do.” My eyes widened. “You didn't.”

“Yep.”

It took me a moment to realize I couldn’t keep my fingers still.

“It was shortly after the accident with my parents. I had just gotten out of the hospital,” he explained. “I was staying with a handful of relatives that were planning the funeral. My grandmother, I think it was, since she lived closeby. I was just sitting in the backroom, listening to everyone yell at each other. I was cutting out shapes with scissors, I’ve forgotten why...I guess I just needed some kind of a distraction. But I was by the window, and I saw Haruka’s cat…”

I nodded.

“It made me angry,” he said. “Like that cat was mocking me. I hadn’t done anything wrong, my parents were dead, and so many people, even this cat, could strut around like nothing was wrong. Nobody was sharing my suffering. So, I took my scissors, went out the house’s side door, and grabbed the cat before it could run away.”

“And you…”

“And I stabbed it with my scissors until it stopped moving,” he stated a bit more matter-of-factly than I would have liked him to. “I had to change my shirt since I got blood on it, which was a bother. Thankfully, Haruka never did find out who killed her cat, and I was able to get the funeral done and over with and move away before she--”

I didn’t even wait for him to finish.

I more or less lunged at him, grabbing him by the shoulders and pushing him down on the couch. I had him right where I wanted before he could respond. I tried to form something like a word, but my breathing was too uneven. It took me a sec.

“Komaeda,” I managed. “Please tell me that’s not true.”

“H-Hinata-kun, let go of me.” He squirmed underneath my hold. “It’s the truth.”

I gripped his shoulders tighter. “But you couldn’t have just...you murdered an animal...I don’t believe you.”

“Well believe it,” he spat sternly. “You made a mistake in trusting me. I’m sure you don’t want to be associated in any way with some cold blooded murderer, not to mention one that has manipulated others to their advantage on more than one occasion who--”

I tried to stop it, but my efforts proved fruitless. My vision was starting to blur, and I couldn’t keep my face from contorting. I dug my fingernails into his skin, like I didn’t want him to slip away from me. Crap, this was going to be embarrassing, no way around this one. A mess of tears fell from my eyes and onto Komaeda’s shirt. I sniffled, trying to keep it in. I thought I had cried myself dry this past week, but I was wrong.

“Hey. St-stop crying.”

I couldn’t help it. The tears rolled down my cheeks and onto his shirt, and all the while I was making pathetic little noises that didn’t help my dignity out at all.

“I said stop.” Komaeda’s voice was shaky, but he still sounded intimidating. “Get off of me, I’m sick of looking at you. You’re ugly when you cry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“....Excuse me?”

I hung my head, letting the tears fall freely. “I’m...so sorry. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”

“What...shut up, you fucking pansy! I could easily kill you too, you know. You’d do well to let me go!”

“Komaeda, why….” I gulped, venturing to open my eyes again. He was staring at me, trying to look menacing, but he looked as scared as I was. “I don’t care. I don’t care about what happened. I’m telling the truth. I just want to know...why.”

“W-what are you talking about?”

“Why are you pushing me away from you!?” I yelled. “You’re not the only one who’s getting hurt by all of this, you selfish bastard! I’m trying to help you, and you just treat me like garbage and try to shut me out and I don’t understand why!” I was talking through my tears, in a barely understandable voice. “I don’t care what kind of a person you were, that’s all over. Right here, in the present, I’m trying to help you, for God’s sake, I’m….” this next bit got harder to say every time. “I’m trying to love you. And you’re just choosing more suffering over help, and I don’t understand why.”

His expression softened. His lips quivered as he spoke. “No, I don’t...I mean that’s not what I….this isn’t how this was supposed to go….I was the one who was supposed to get hurt.”

“Please, don’t just hide from me like this. Komaeda, you’re hurting both of us.”

He couldn’t hold it in forever. He clenched his teeth, desperately trying to, but ultimately couldn’t stop the tears welling up in his eyes. “Stop doing this to me. I don’t deserve you. And even if I did, I’m only going to lose you, and even if I don’t I’m going to hurt you or maybe even kill you and the only good things that I can hold onto will breed bad things and bad luck and death and destruction and I won’t be able to stop it and it’s all going to come crashing down on you--”

“Komaeda. Please.”

His voice grew more intense by the second. “I don’t deserve anything! Nothing! Everything I touch, I destroy! Everyone I care about always leaves me, and you aren’t any different! You’re going to end up like that cat, lying on the side of the road and gushing out blood! Aren’t you afraid of me at all!? Can’t you see that I’m---”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed him from the front and pulled him into a tight hug. I held his head to my chest. He was slipping away. I could feel it. “Yeah. I am.”

“...What?”

“I am afraid. I’m not gonna lie. I’m afraid of you.”

“Then why can’t you let go of me?” he asked. I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell he was very close to crying. “Why are you making this so hard?”

“Because fear isn’t the only thing I’m feeling for you right now.”

Dead silence. For too long. Then he wrapped his arms around my back, slowly, not making any sudden moves.

Then he started crying.

I was beyond relieved. It was him. It was the Komaeda that I finally recognized. The Komaeda that scraped his knees climbing over the fence to my backyard, the Komaeda that was never afraid to watch horror movies with me, the Komaeda that accidentally got drunk at a party, and the Komaeda that was crying big wet tears into my shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he sniffed.

“Apologize later.”

“I’m so ugly.”

“No you’re not.”

“Look at me,” he moaned. “I cut my arms to ribbons on a regular basis. I’ve killed some poor girl’s cat. I lied to you so many times and threatened you. You don’t want an ugly, broken piece of garbage like me. ”

“People make mistakes. Some bigger than others, but it’s human nature. It doesn’t make you any less human.”

“I didn’t want you to see me...I wanted to just change my face and give myself a new name and rewrite everything so that you didn’t have to see what I had become. And now that you have, I just...I just don’t know what to do. I was scared. That’s why I tried to hurt you.”

I loosened my grip on him, and he pulled away from me. I reached out and held his face in my hands. I tried to wipe away his tears with my thumbs. “You look beautiful.”

His breathing was heavy. I would hold him for as long as I had to. His breath eventually slowed to a healthier pace, deep breaths in and deep breaths out. “Hinata-kun, do you...do you forgive me?”

I tried my hand at an understanding smile. I had almost stopped crying, but not quite. “That’s not important right now.”

His breathing grew steadier, more controlled. He looked miles more relaxed, but still quite fragile. “I always thought you were beautiful.”

“But I’m so plain. There’s nothing special about me.”

“To me there is.”

“You should seriously listen to yourself right now.”

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “Did you really get a concussion after you hit your head?”

“Yeah. Thanks for bringing me to the hospital, though. How did you do that, by the way?”

“I drove you. I had to steal my aunt’s car.”

“Woah, damn. Was she pissed?”

“I don’t think she found out. Are you all better now? Was it worse the second time around?”

“Wait, second time around?” How in the world could he know?

“Isn’t this your second concussion?” he asked. “Naegi-kun told me that you hit your head on the gym floor when you were in junior high…”

I sighed. “Of course he told you. What he lacks in height he makes up for with his mouth, I guess.”

Komaeda smiled a little, in spite of himself. It wasn’t a fake smile, either. It was so nice, watching him smile out of pure emotion instead of just an illusion he used to quell my anger. So nice that I had to lean forward a little. He flinched at first, like he was still afraid of me touching him. I backed up a little, waiting for him to give me the ok. I didn’t want to do anything that made him too uncomfortable. He nodded, knowing what I wanted to do. I leaned forward, slowly, and pressed my lips onto his cheek. I kissed around the corners of his mouth, trying to tease a reaction out of him. Eventually, I felt his lips brush against mine. They were still soft, even though they were a little chapped. In retrospect, the kiss probably didn’t last very long. But still, it was nice. It was simple.

“I’m so tired,” he said.

“I am too.”

“I-I’m sorry, I should probably go home--” A well-timed roll of thunder made us both jump.

I could still hear the loud patter of rain on the roof, followed by the low rumble of thunder. “Are you nuts? I’m not sending you home in the rain. You can stay here tonight.”

“But what about your dad? Won’t he be mad if he finds me here?”

“Nah, he’s on a business trip,” I assured. “He doesn’t have to know.”

“I don’t want to impose on you. I can leave any time.”

I wrapped my fingers around his hand. “What if I want you to stay?”

He hesitated, just for a moment. “Ok.”

 

--

 

We talked for a little while longer. We didn’t talk about much. Neither of us really felt like talking, it was only to break the silence. We just sort of held each other, talking when we felt like it. I could have gone without talking, honestly. I was just happy to be with him. I was so glad that he was still alive, that I could still touch him. Komaeda was a lot sleepier than I was. He looked so cute, pressed against me with his eyes closed. The rain was still coming down in sheets outside, pounding on the rooftop.

“The rain sounds nice,” I said.

“Mmm.”

I brought my hand around and stroked his hair. It had been matted a little, but it was still soft.

“Do you remember that time when we were kids when we fell asleep on the roof and we got rained on really hard?”

“Yeah.”

“My mom was pretty mad.”

“Mmm.”

I rested my chin on his head. “Are you gonna be ok?”

“I don’t know yet.”

So I left it that. I didn’t know what to say about anything else. As happy as I was, this was still all so confusing for me. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to say to him when he started thinking rationally again. Or if I forgave him for everything. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to forgive right away, but if I gave it some time I might be able to. I might at least be able to forget.

“I was just preparing for the worst,” Komaeda mumbled, reading my mind.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t want to be sad when you left.”

I kissed him on the top of his head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Are you sure?”

Wow, he must have been exhausted. I didn't blame him. “Yeah.”

Komaeda didn’t respond. He only breathed in and out, in a steady succession.

“Ko?” He didn’t respond. I jostled him a little. “Hey.”

His eyes were tightly shut. He had fallen asleep on me. Maybe he had fallen asleep a long time ago, and was just speaking from the subconscious. No matter who it is, everyone looks a little more peaceful when they’re asleep. Especially after having a bout of mental anguish to compare it to. I yawned, pulling out my phone to check the time. It was late. Careful not to wake Komaeda, I got up from the couch to go get some more blankets. I would just pull some from off of my dad’s bed.

I turned the heating up, just the tiniest bit so that the furnace would come on. I also turned down the lights so it would be easier for him to sleep. I put the blankets over Komaeda one by one, so as not to wake him up. I would have to make sure to wake him up for school tomorrow, that is, if he even felt up to going.

I watched his chest rise and fall underneath the blankets. I had no idea how I was able to still tolerate him, even after all he had done to me. Maybe it was just another sign of how hopelessly in love I was. Komaeda suddenly grimaced in his sleep. He clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyelids shut even tighter.

“Nn--”

He must have been dreaming about something. Probably something that wasn’t very pleasant. I would feel bad leaving him by himself, so I sat down on the couch next to his head. I brushed a lock of hair out of his face, and his eyes flew open.

He stared at me for a long while. My hand lingered over his face.

“Hajime…” his voice was barely a whisper.

“You ok?” I asked.

He responded by grabbing onto my pant leg with his fingers. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. Here.” I shifted over to him so that his head was resting in my lap. “Is that better?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Try to go back to sleep,” I whispered.

“Ok.”

He shut his eyes and was out in a matter of seconds.

My eyelids were starting to weigh down too. I guess I was sleeping here tonight. Not what I had planned, but whatever. It was probably going to take a while to sleep in this position anyway. I didn’t particularly mind, which bothered me a little. Why would I deprive myself of sleep just for the sake of someone who hurt me? Why am I wasting my time with him? He had even confessed to being a murderer. Why should I even care if anything happened to him? I was too tired to think of a logical explanation. All I knew was that in this moment, I would do absolutely anything for him. Just so I could keep staring at his sleeping face, just to make sure that it was still there.

I couldn’t watch him forever. My eyes shut on their own, and I fell into a plain of lucid sleep. I wasn’t awake, but I could still hear Komaeda breathing. I could still feel his head on my lap, but minute by minute, these things became further away.

I’m so glad you’re still alive.

And then I fell asleep for real.

 

--

 

Komaeda wasn’t there when I woke up.

At first I panicked. I also noticed that my neck hurt like crazy from sleeping in an upright position. It felt like someone had hung a pair of weights around my neck and I had slept with them on. It was unbelievably sore.

Time to rationalize this. Maybe he was just in the bathroom. I checked the clock over the stove in the kitchen. Crap, I had slept in way too late. I wasn’t going to miss my first class, but I was going to be late for school.

I checked the bathroom. Komaeda wasn’t in there. Where in the world could he have gone?

“Komaeda?”

I ran back into the living room to reassess the situation. Did he go home? Was he on his way to school? I decided to call him and ask him where he was. The battery life on my phone was almost dead since I had left it on for a while without charging it, and it had been on all of last night. I waited for it to turn on, tapping the screen as if that would make it go any faster. Longest thirty seconds of my life by a longshot. Finally, my lockscreen came up.

 

1 New Message

Nagito Komaeda

 

I sighed. Thank God. At least he had the sense to tell me where he was. Hopefully.

 

N: I went on ahead to school. I didn’t want to wake you.

 

I opened up messaging to write a reply.

 

H: Ok. I was a little worried I didn’t know where you were.

N: I’m sorry about last night

H: It’s alright. I’m glad you’re ok.

N: Thank you.

 

I decided to leave it at that, as I was running very very late. I rushed to my room to grab my things and texted Makoto that I was going to be late. He would have to walk alone today.

 

--

 

I never personally cared for romantic stories. I’m not into YA novels, smarmy romantic comedies make me want to throw up, and the media just makes it seem way too corny for me. Even the inclusive stuff only seems tailor made for fetish crowds. But it feels different once it actually starts happening to you. You never think it will, but it can. I still don’t believe in fate or luck or soulmates or any of that, but I do believe in the potential of feelings. They can hurt you, they can uplift you, they can make you want to die, and they can make you want to live. They can show you the ugly things in life as well as the beautiful things. If you can live long enough to have fully experienced both, consider yourself lucky. It means that you’ve lived. If a story only has beautiful things with nothing to overcome, there was never a story. Only ugly things don’t make for a very good story either. And furthermore, when you find someone who you want to share the beautiful things with and overcome the ugly things for, that’s love. Make no mistake, it is in no way easy. Especially when the person you love has seen more than their fair share of ugly things.

That’s exactly how I felt about Komaeda. They say that you’re in love when the songs start to make sense, and that’s bullshit. You know you’re in love when you start to understand yourself better.

So you can imagine the intense relief that I felt when I saw him sitting at his desk in his usual place, smiling and talking to fellow classmates (miraculously, I wasn’t late for first period). I might have actually heaved a huge sigh. Komaeda still looked tired, but he looked better. He was wearing the spare uniform that he kept in his locker, the brown blazer and pants with a dress shirt. A lot better. I could hear people bombarding him with questions, asking him Where the Hell He Had Been, and What the Fuck Were You Doing Away For So Long We Were So Goddamn Worried, a few Holy Crap Are You Alrights, all of which he waved away as if nothing had happened. I used to dislike that smug, taunting smile of his. Now I was just really happy to see it.

As soon as he saw me standing in the doorframe, he stood up, approached me, and grinned.

“Good morning,” he said. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“Don’t worry about it too much.”

Our instructor came in shortly afterward. Everyone bowed, took their seats, and the lesson began. We had recently changed seats, and Komaeda sat in front of me now. Perfect. Ignoring our instructor, I tapped Komaeda’s desk to get his attention. “Hey,” I whispered. “Let me borrow a piece of paper.”

“Oh. Uh, ok.” He tore a piece off of his notebook and passed it to me.

“Thanks.”

And I wrote him a note.

 

Are we all good?

 

I passed it back to him, and watched his expression change as he read it. He wrote something on the paper and passed it back to me. It was funny, seeing the difference in our handwriting. Mine was inconsistent but legible, while Komaeda’s was small and neatly written, yet barely legible at all. But I was able to read it.

 

I don’t know. Almost.

I scribbled back a reply.

Can you talk later? At lunch, maybe?

Yeah, sure. Where do you want to meet?

The music room, like usual. Though we should probably lock the door or something.

Ok. I think we should formally talk this out.

It was a little hard for me to pay attention to much until lunch rolled around.

     

 

Komaeda, always there ten minutes early, beat me to the music room. I closed the door behind me and turned up the latch. Komaeda was standing by the window with his back to me.

“I probably don’t need to lock it,” I said. “Nobody comes in here anyway.”

“You never know. With my luck, it’s better safe than sorry.”

“Valid point.” I noticed that he had his headphones wrapped around his neck. He must have been listening to his music to pass the time. He turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes. He almost looked graceful with the sun coming in from the window at his back. “Did you wait very long?”

“No, not too long. It gave me a little time to think about what to say to you.” He scratched the back of his head. “To be honest, I don’t really know where to begin.”

“It’s ok. Take your time.”

“I just...I just want to apologize again…”

“You’ve apologized fifty times. I’ve gotten the message, believe me,” I reassured.

Komaeda jammed his hands into his pants pockets. “Ok. I’ll move on then. Um...I think I owe you an explanation for all of this.”

“You’re afraid of me leaving, right? Was it because of your parents?”

“No. Not really,” he said. “There was...something that happened to me in elementary school, it began when I was in my sixth year. There was this boy.”

“Go on.”

“This was around the time when I first started self-harming. Very low-key, like scratching my shins with the ends of paperclips. Now that I think of it, that boy reminded me a little of you. You two had the same colored hair. Anyway, he and I became friends. He talked to me when nobody else did and showed me kindness. He found out about my scars and tried to help me out of despondency. I...I even told him about what I did to Haruka’s cat. He didn’t hate me for it, but instead tried to understand why I had done so and bring me back from it.”

“What was his name?”

He lifted his head. “I don’t remember. I’ve done my best to forget, I suppose.”

“So...what happened?”   

Komaeda began slowly pacing the room. “After a while, I began having feelings for him that I knew transcended friendship. I tried to hold my feelings back since I knew that he probably didn’t feel the same way at all, but being the foolish young person I was, I found no reason to keep it from him any longer. So one day, we were walking home from school, and I asked him if we could hold hands.” He paused. “It didn’t go as well as I had hoped.”

“He didn’t take it well?”

“Oh, not at all. He flipped out on me. Flat out screaming. He called me things like ‘worthless faggot,’ and that I should go kill myself, and he actually went on for a while. And all this time he had been helping me and trying to get me to come back from my being alone, so I just...I didn’t understand why he said what he did. So he ran ahead of me and left me on the sidewalk. And guess what he did the next day.”

I was uneasy about speaking. This was hard to listen to. “What?”

“He told every single person in our grade about the cat.”

My mouth hung open for a moment or two. “Everyone?”

“Everyone.” Komaeda sighed. “He didn’t miss a single one. So when I came back to school, everyone started calling me names and I started getting bullied shortly afterward. They called me a freak, they told me I was crazy, things like that. I got beaten up a lot too, and my things wound up stolen and in the pond outside the school. I could never bring anything from home, as I never came back with it. People would write things on my desk in permanent marker. There was one time that a couple of boys took pictures of me changing for gym and posted the pictures on the internet. In spite of all this, I found it a little humorous. They were calling me crazy. Me, while they were the real monsters. So I found it kind of funny, even if I was afraid to go to school. It went on until I finally moved here.”

“What happened to the boy who started it? Your friend, I mean?”

“He never participated in any of the actual harassment, but he didn’t do much to stop it. We never spoke much after that. But what was even worse was that there was still this disgusting little piece of me that still wanted to be with him.”

“Komaeda…” I didn’t know what to say to him. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. It’s not your fault.” He stopped pacing and turned back to me. “But now do you see my reasoning?”

I nodded, uneasily. “I think so.”

“Everyone leaves me,” he said. “I cared about you too much and I acted on it. I didn’t realize that I had let too much of myself go before it was too late. I could just see the events repeating themselves in my head, just going on and on. I knew that what we had wasn’t going to last, and it would only end in catastrophe. So when you saw the scars…”

“You were afraid I was going to abandon you,” I finished. “Yeah, I see what you’re saying, but...why would you think I would do something like that? Like what your friend did? Do you really not trust me that much?”

“I do trust you. More than anyone, I swear. I was still scared, though. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“Ok. I can respect that.” I shifted from foot to foot where I was standing. “I...had no idea that this was the reason…but…”

“But what?”

“Were you being serious when we said we can’t be friends anymore?”

Komaeda looked at me with a hint of surprise. “Hinata…”

“I understand that you’re uneasy about us being together, but I don’t like the idea of you being all alone. And I’m not so sure I would like being separated from you outright.”

“I don’t want us to stop being friends either.” He took a step toward me. “But I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want to be the one to hurt you.”

I took a step toward him in turn. “I’m willing to take that risk,” I said. “For you, I’m willing to take that risk.”

Komaeda smiled a little. “Do you forgive me?”

“I’m starting to. Do you ever regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“The cat.”

“Not really." He gripped the fabric on one of his sleeves. "And that’s what scares me the most. I regret not regretting.”

“That’s good enough for me.” I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t quite form the words. “Hey, um...Komaeda?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you again?”

His smile faltered. “...No. I’m sorry.”

I backed up. “Oh…”

“I want to kiss you too,” he said quickly. “But I can’t yet. I have too much that I still need to sort out.” He came towards me, and with shaky fingers took my hands in his. “I rushed into this much too quickly. I’m not ready for something like this just yet.” He squeezed my hands tighter. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly well enough right now to be in a relationship. I think we need to put this on hold for a while.”

That was fair. “Ok. Yeah. I get it.”

“But I still…” he went on. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I just need to get better so that neither of us get hurt again. So, if it’s not too much to ask...will you wait for me until I do? Get better, I mean.”

I smiled. “I’ll help you get better. I’ll do whatever I can, even if it’s just a little. You don’t have to get through this by yourself. I care about you too much to let you do this alone. And of course I’ll wait for you.”

He smiled back at me. “I can’t tell if you’re being really valiant or really stupid right now.”

“Probably both then.”

We just stood for a moment, staring down at each other’s hands until my friend broke the silence. “Hajime.”

I happily tensed up at the use of my given name. “Yeah?”

“If I can get anything through to you right now, let it be this.”

“Ok. What is it?”

“I know that I’m probably not being very fair to you. And even though I can’t move forward like this right now I,” he took a deep breath. “I want us to be able to be together again someday. So until then, please don’t ever forget…”

His hands were shaking in mine. He shut his eyes, as if in deep concentration.

“Th-that from the bottom of my heart, I….”

Yes. I’m listening.

“I…”

He opened his eyes again, meeting mine in a fixed gaze.

 

“I love you.”

 

I stared at him, only to admire his face for a moment. Then I pulled him into a tight hug. “I love you too.”

He chuckled, wrapping his arms around me. “That’s cool.”

“Yeah, I thought it would be, Nagito .”

“Hey!”

“What, you got a problem? Even when you’re suddenly calling me Hajime?”

He groaned endearingly. “I guess not.”

I squeezed him tightly. “I’m glad to hear it.”

 

I don't think hugs are supposed to last as long as that one did. I regret nothing.

 

--

 

The first T-shirt day of the year. Hajime didn't want to waste a single minute of being outside. You're only in the second grade once. You might as well make the most of it while you still can. Well, Izuru had more or less thrown him out of the house since he claimed that Hajime was driving him crazy and he needed to do homework. So he decided he would spend some time at the pond near their house. With a friend, of course. How boring would it be to walk around some stupid pond all by oneself?

Ko-kun lived down a couple of streets from Hajime. He had never become that well acquainted with his parents, but they seemed to fight a lot. He always had lessons and classes on Saturdays, but on Sundays he was free. Which was good, because there were plenty of climbing trees by the frog pond. And Ko-kun was Hajime's designated tree climbing friend. He was a lot braver than Hajime was.

"Hajime, c'mon!" he called from a tall branch. "It's not that high up!"

Hajime lingered in his lower spot on the tree. "I...I don't know...I don't think I can reach the branches."

Ko-kun laughed. "Hajime, you're taller than me! You can reach the branches if I can."

"No, I...I'm scared."

"Here." Ko-kun shuffled a little further down the tree and held out his hand to Hajime. "I'll help you up. I wanna make it to the top today."

"Ok..." Hajime took his hand, trying to pull himself up from where he was. He almost slipped, but with some effort was able to reach the next branch.

They climbed and climbed. It got to the point that they didn't even care how far up they were or how long the drop down was. It didn't matter how many scrapes they had or how much their limbs ached or how many times they slipped, they just kept going.

"Awww..."

"What's wrong?"

Hajime pointed toward the top of the tree. "We were almost there. Those branches are too thin to climb."

Ko-kun shielded the sun from his eyes. "Oh...yeah, looks like it." He looked over his shoulder "At least the view is pretty."

Hajime looked out from where he was. He could see the whole frog pond. The sun was reflecting off of it, making the water look more blue, which in turn made the moss and flora look even more green and colorful. "Yeah. You're right." He shifted so that he was sitting on the branch that was supporting him. Ko-kun climbed up to sit next to him. "It is nice."

Ko-kun pulled a rock from out of his pocket. "Bet you I can make it into the pond from up here."

"Bet you can't."

He threw the rock with his left arm. It traced an arc and landed square in the center of the frog pond. "Boom!"

"Woah! Nice!"

Ko-kun laughed. Hajime had always thought that his friend had had a nice laugh.

"Hey, Ko-kun."

"What?"

"Are there any girls that you like?"

Ko-kun stuck out his tongue. "Ew! No way. Girls are gross."

"They're not that gross."

"I bet they've all got bugs living in their hair. That's why they grow it out so long."

"Izuru doesn't have bugs in his hair."

"Izuru-kun's a boy."

"You're so mean."

"Nuh-uh. I'm just telling the truth."

Hajime laughed. "Have you ever kissed anyone?"

Ko-kun giggled. "Blech, no way. Kissing is gross too."

"How do you know that?"

"I just do. It looks gross."

Hajime leaned over and kissed Ko-kun on the cheek. He flinched.

"H-Hajime, what are you--"

Hajime grinned. "Gotcha! You've got my germs now!"

Ko-kun laughed again, and held his hand to the spot Hajime had kissed. "Eeeew! Hajime!"

Hajime kissed both of the palms of his hands and held them out in front of him. "Look out! I'm gonna get my kiss-germs all over you!"

"Aaaa! Don't! I'm gonna fall!"

 

--

 

The sun began to set over the small town's skyline. It was a pretty orange color with a hint of pink, like the colors in certain flavors of ice cream. Only they weren't as vibrant. They were sleepier colors than that. 

"I need to go home before it gets dark," said Hajime.

"Me too. Let's climb down." Ko-kun got up from his spot and moved down the tree. He held out his hand to Hajime. "C'mon. Be careful."

Hajime took Komaeda's hand and began climbing down. Once he was able to get better leverage on his own, he let go and began climbing down on his own.

"Hey...Hajime-kun."

"Yeah?"

"Are your parents really splitting up?"

Hajime stopped climbing. "I dunno. I don't think so. Why?"

"I heard that when people split up they have to move away...will you have to move if they split up?"

Hajime was surprised at Ko-kun's drastic change in disposition. "We're not moving away. We're never moving away."

"Ok..." Ko-kun didn't sound convinced.

"Hey," Hajime climbed down so that he was at eye-level with Ko-kun. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just a little afraid," Ko-kun said. "That your parents are going to split up and you and Izuru-kun will move away, and...I'll be all alone."

"I'll never ever leave you." Hajime smiled. "We'll always be friends."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise!"

Ko-kun was quiet for a bit. Then he grinned mischievously and kissed Hajime quickly on the cheek.

"Hey!"

"Got you back!" Ko-kun snickered as he started climbing down the tree again, only faster this time.

"Hey, get back here!"

Neither of them had any idea of what time it was. Or what time it had been when they had begun climbing.

Neither of them cared in the slightest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. Life happens, so you know. Well, that's the end! Hope you enjoyed it! I personally had a lot of fun writing this. Thank you all so much for your kind support and comments and kudos I received while writing this, they mean more to me than I can ever say. See you all next time, in whatever I decide to write next.

Bye bye!

Notes:

Aaaaand scene! Thank you so much for reading! If you liked it, feel free to leave a kudos or a comment, the writer loves them. Updates are going to take awhile, since I'm kind of a slow writer, not to mention I just started school and it's eating up most of my free time. But keep in mind it's also my first long fic, so I really want to get it right. But I will make it a big goal to finish this, even though it may take a while. So please stick around for a bit, I would really appreciate it.

Also, sorry if this chapter was kind of slow, since it's just setting the stage. It'll get more interesting.