Five Weddings and a Funeral

by DudaTheWriter

Summary:

Five weddings Stan Marsh goes to and a funeral.

Notes:

I don't know what to say so I'll just say this:

- English is not my first language lol
- If I ever say no to Stan angst call the cops my identity has been stolen for sure

Chapter 1: Tolkien and Nichole

He gets the invitation on a friday night after work and it's a bitter reminder of what he lost, of what he never had. Stan should've known that out of all of them, Tolkien and Nichole would be the first to commit themselves to each other for what they hope it's forever. Still, it hurts knowing it could have been him. Even if, when he really thinks about it, it really couldn't.

In his last few erratic moments of grief for something he hadn't yet lost, he had done the stupidest thing he could ever do and asked Wendy to marry him. When they were eighteen. When she was about to go to college, because she got accepted into Princeton and he should have seen it coming. He should have known it would end like this.

Kyle was the one who told him it was his fault. That he had no one to blame but himself for the way he was throwing his life away for no reason. If he was a bit more angry and a bit less desperate, he would have told him to go fuck himself. Called him a piece of shit and told him he didn't understand how Stan felt. He didn't then and he doesn't now.

But like always, Kyle was right. Stan has no right to complain about the things in his life he so desperately wants to complain about. How can he feel sorry for himself for not getting into college when he gave up on trying to study and make something of his life when he was fifteen? How can he feel bad for losing Wendy when he gave her up?

Blaming his dad could only get him so far and Stan is now an adult who's more than responsible for his own actions. Blaming his depression is also pointless when he's the one who stopped taking the meds that somehow helped a bit and switched to something that doesn't help at all, something that makes it all worse. Alcohol.

But it's the only thing keeping him going. That and the fear of how his poor mom would react if he ever killed himself. She has been through enough already. Stan still lives with her, still lives in the old house with his mom. His sister and her husband live in Denver and only visit every now and then.

It's painful to be reminded that Shelly is doing better than him. That everyone is, really. All his friends going to college and getting engaged and apparently getting married. He tells his mom about Tolkien and Nichole's wedding and she expresses how happy she is for them. They're having the ceremony in South Park, essentially making it a reunion.

Stan thinks it's too early to be married but it's Tolkien and Nichole, if anyone can do this whole marriage and kids thing, it's them. They weren't even the first to be engaged. Tolkien proposed to Nichole when they were twenty two and now at twenty three they already have everything planned. That's how easy it is being rich.

But Stan remembers it weren't them who got engaged first of all the high school sweethearts of South Park. That was Tweek and Craig. Craig asked Tweek to marry him when they were twenty and Stan knows because he still follows them on social media. In a way, Stan was the youngest to propose but it doesn't count when it failed so badly.

Then there was of course, his desperate last ditch effort to tell Kyle he was in love with him. Very poorly timed, considering it happened only a week after he asked Wendy to marry him. Stan has no recollection of what happened that day, he was far too drunk. He remembers Kyle telling him he's the worst person he knows.

Even thinking about it now makes him want to cry. Because he's sure he ruined them with that. Kyle never called after going to Harvard. With that and Cartman essentially dropping off the face of the earth, all he has left is Kenny and Marj. They still talk to him. In fact, Kenny texts him every day. He gets his updates on Kyle through him.

"He's in med school," Kenny had said once over the phone.

And that broke Stan. Because Kyle never told him he had plans of becoming a doctor. He never mentioned it. To think that he wouldn't share something like this with Stan is like remembering how everyone else seems to be doing something important with their lives and all he does is work at his Uncle Jimbo's store. Because it's easy work.

Because his uncle never chastises him for getting drunk on the shift like the previous two jobs Stan got fired from. Sometimes he thinks everyone in his family pities him. That they secretly think he's a loser but don't say anything out of fear that he might spiral and have another episode. At this point it's not even an episode, it's a whole TV series.

His dad is the only one who's honest with him and that's probably why Stan hangs out with him sometimes. He needs the reality check. When his dad asks if he's planning on going to college any time soon and implies he's a major loser, always miserable and alone since he was left behind in this shitfest of a town, he finally feels seen.

Stan honestly doesn't believe his friends deserve to deal with him. Especially not when he's like this. He almost refuses to go to Tolkien's wedding, can't stop thinking he'll ruin the party by being just himself. Perpetually tired from everything and everyone around him, looking around in the world and seeing nothing but shit.

Still, he can't bear to disappoint Tolkien. He seemed so genuinely happy to be doing this, so adamant that Stan needs to be a part of this great moment in his life. So he rents a suit. He cleans up nice. He shaves and he tries to look as cheerful as everyone else is. He gets invited to the ceremony, unlike his ex-friends.

He sees Craig and Tweek, still going strong. Craig looks like a stable, hot, incredibly put together version of Stan. It makes him feel even worse about how he's doing. Tweek still looks nervous but he's twitching less, his hair looks nice and his hands keep fiddling with Craig's hands and his tie and anything he can use to distract himself.

There's Jimmy, looking like one of those guys from Comedy Central. Nice suit, obviously very pricey. Tolkien's parents look so unbelievably proud it makes Stan wince at the reminder that his own parents will likely never look at him like that. Clyde is there too, Stan only notices him when the happy couple is reading their vows because he cries the whole time.

Stan had been worried about Wendy being there but luckily for him, it seems Nichole is closer to other girls at school. Stan sees Red, in a nice pantsuit that makes her look a little terrifying. He also sees Heidi right next to her, beaming and looking amazed at everything. She freezes up at one point and it's then that Stan notices Cartman is here.

He's in a brown blazer and a red dress shirt, looking like a cartoon villain who's about to explain why capitalism is good because it benefits him and no one else. Heidi gets visibly upset when she sees him, relaxing when Red grabs her hand in a strong grip. Cartman looks at her at one point but seems entirely different about her presence.

He looks right at Stan, which is downright terrifying. Still, out of everyone (other than Clyde) he seems to be the most emotional one over this particular wedding and Stan knows why. He does his best to ignore Cartman and tries to mentally prepare for the people he knows he'll see in the wedding reception.

Avoiding Cartman is easy enough when he doesn't seem interested in talking to Stan at all, only stares at him with this annoying knowing smile the whole time. The first thing Stan does when he gets in the venue the reception is at is look for the open bar. Then he remembers why he went there in the first place and he feels that familiar guilt.

"Hey, dude," he says when he manages to find Tolkien. "Congratulations."

He tries for a casual handshake but Tolkien pulls him into a hug, a very tight one like he genuinely missed Stan. He smells very good. It makes Stan self-conscious to be around him but he ignores it and tells himself it's because it's his wedding and he has every right to look so handsome. Nichole herself looks like a fucking Disney princess.

"Thanks, Stan. It really means a lot to me you decided to come."

Stan laughs awkwardly and points at Cartman's general direction, "I mean, since you're just allowing anyone here."

Tolkien sighs, looking actually stressed.

"I know," he whispers. "He's the last person I wanted here, trust me. But apparently him and Nichole are friends on Facebook. They got really close back when we had that breakup and he pretended to date her to get us back together. I guess, in a way we owe him one."

"Don't ever think you owe him anything. That's how he gets you."

Tolkien laughs and then gets serious, "Listen, Stan. I'm really happy you came. I feel like we barely talk to each other anymore, man."

"Yeah, I mean... just a lot going on."

He has nothing going on in his life and they both know it. But it's better than saying he feels like shit for living such a lonely, miserable life while everyone else around him gets to be happy. But then again, this isn't news to anyone. Stan has always had a hard time being happy, has always been the most sensitive one out of his friends.

"I get it," Tolkien pats him in the shoulder. "Have fun, okay? Don't be a stranger."

He lets himself laugh in a genuine way, tries to use his very real affection for Tolkien to convince him he's having a good time. The moment Tolkien leaves he's making a beeline for the bar area. And then he remembers this is a wedding and feels guilty once again. The first thing he does when he sees Nichole is kiss her cheek.

"Congratulations, Nichole," he says warmly. "You're glowing."

And then he remembers that makes it sound like he's accusing her of being pregnant. Which she might take very badly because it implies one, that she's only getting married so young because she's pregnant and two, that she's fat. God, Stan is so bad at this. Why do they even let him leave the house? Why is he even alive?

"I mean, y-you look glowy. Like, you're all sparkly right now. I think it's- I think it's the dress or the, uh, the makeup. You look great!"

She really does. With the princess gown and the sparkly eyeshadow and her hair looks gorgeous. They're an incredibly attractive couple, Tolkien and Nichole. Stan wishes they were considering a threesome. Nichole smiles at him and he finally gets what Tolkien told him once about how her smile reminds him of the sun.

"Thank you so much. I'm so glad you came! Tolkien was so excited to see you."

There it is again. The implication that people want to see him. God, Stan can feel how much he's sweating right now. He needs a drink. He politely excuses himself after saying congratulations once again and finally makes it to the bartender. His mouth opens and he's about to ask for a whiskey when someone grabs him from behind.

Like, actually grabs his behind. His ass.

"Kenny," Stan says before he even turns around. "Hi, dude. It's good to see you."

"Good to see you, Stan. Look at you. You cleaned up nice. You look real good. If I didn't have a girl, I'd be swooning right now."

He stores the compliment in the "he's just being nice" part of his brain, he knows no one think he actually looks good with his poorly shaved face and his beer gut and the bags under his eyes. Kenny looks actually good, though. He's taller than Stan but only a tiny bit. He's muscular, he looks like he's been working out and his face is not covered.

Other than a few cuts on his face that seem to be from him trying to shave, he looks great. His suit is good, though he went for a more casual style just like Cartman. His hair is wild but it's always been very pretty so no one would mind. He still smiles just like he did as a boy, the gap on his front teeth doing nothing to diminish how handsome he is.

"Speaking of your girl, where's Marj?"

Kenny points at her rather than telling him where she is. Marjorine is talking to Nichole. They're not close enough to make out what's being said but he knows she's most likely fawning over her dress because Marjorine has always loved princess style gowns. She looks great too. Tolkien and Nichole's wedding theme was black and yellow.

The dress Marjorine is wearing is a light yellow that goes very well with her short blonde hair. It's a strapless dress and that would make her neck look strangely empty if it we're for the golden necklace she's wearing. Stan realizes after staring a bit that it's the golden bunny necklace she got for herself and Kenny back when they started dating.

He looks at Kenny to find the necklace very openly displayed, which means Kenny didn't try to put it under his collar at all. They're so adorable, Stan is going to kill himself. Kenny smiles at Stan without showing his teeth, following his gaze to see him looking at Marjorine as she and Nichole gesture wildly to each other.

"Doesn't my girl look pretty?"

Stan can't help but think of Marjorine as a sister ever since her dad started dating Stan's dad, which, ugh. The fact that they're still together baffles him, to be honest. Stan did not expect Stephen Stotch to have the patience to deal with his dad's bullshit for so long. Still, he nods because Marjorine is pretty. She was always cute, even as a kid.

The only thing that made her ugly was that awful haircut.

"Sure," Stan says.

Kenny gives him a look that makes him feel like he's about to hear something bad.

"Did you see Kyle yet?"

"Why?" Stan asks, staring at Kenny with pure distrust in his eyes. "What's up with Kyle?"

"He just looks good, it's all. I don't want you to feel bad that he's not taking your friendship ending as bad as you are."

"That's ridiculous, Kenny. I'm doing fine. And Kyle can go fuck himself for all I care. So what if he's doing great? Good for him then. It's got nothing to do with me."

Kenny winces like he's witnessing a car crash but the actual living recreation of a car crash only happens on Stan's face after Kenny says what he says next:

"He brought a plus one."

Stan, in his final moment of any coherent thought, laughs like Kenny just a told a really good joke.

Then he blinks, "What?"

"I thought it'd be better if you heard it from me," Kenny shrugs, his face contorted in second hand heartbreak. "Sorry."

Stan doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear about Kyle, doesn't want to think about Kyle and he most certainly doesn't want to see Kyle. He turns to the bartender and asks him for a double whiskey and ignores the way he can feel Kenny's concerned gaze on him the whole time he waits for his drink, gets it and downs the whole thing in seconds.

"Another," he asks the minute he's done.

The party is great. Everything's great. Stan is having a blast. He drinks enough that by the time he sees Wendy, he's not even miserable enough to stare at her from a distance and look wistful. Instead, he goes straight up to her and gives her a tight hug. Wendy smells good. Looks good. She looks like a woman now and Stan is still a teenager.

"Look at you, not wearing purple for once in your life," he jokes.

She's wearing black. And Wendy looks good in black, always has. It makes her hair look even more beautiful than it is and it makes her look sexy, like a secret spy or something. Wendy smiles politely at Stan but he can tell he's bothering her and so he leaves. Because he's nothing like his dad. He's self aware. He knows damn well how unwanted he is.

It doesn't take long for the party to feel like a collection of snapshots. The music is loud and the lights are bright and Stan is having fun, okay? He's having a blast, just like Tolkien said he should. He hasn't left the bar because he can't stand the idea of seeing Kyle and his plus one, can't look at Cartman's stupid face without wanting to punch it.

Kenny hangs out with him for a while but Stan can tell he's trying to take care of him. The last thing he wants is for his only remaining friend to get burnout having to watch over him so he encourages him to get to the dance floor with his girlfriend. Marjorine shows off the tapdancing skills that got her into Julliard and no one dies this time.

Stan watches it from afar and that's when he sees a familiar head full of curly red hair. And there he is. There's Kyle. Stan hears the music getting slower and wonders if he's so drunk he's imagining things. But apparently, no, it's just Tolkien and Nichole having their first dance. To a song he heard Tolkien sing once.

And you know what, this might actually be his voice. Stan looks at Kyle, does his best not to make it obvious he's staring at him. Kyle looks good, just like Kenny said he did. The last time he saw Kyle, he was crying and talking about how selfish Stan was. Talking about how he could never help Stan because you can't help someone who doesn't want help.

It breaks his heart, to think about making Kyle cry. He looks so beautiful now. Confident enough not to hide his hair anymore. To let it be free, let it be wild and red and beautiful. He looks tanned, looks healthy and happy and Stan doesn't see his plus one but he sees how happy he looks, talking to Kenny and Marjorine.

His black suit is great, though a green one would've been better to go with his eyes. Kyle always had such beautiful eyes. At one point he must make it obvious that he's been staring at him for at least ten minutes because Kyle looks back at him, their eyes meet for a second and Stan has a very vivid memory of the last time they saw each other.

He remembers crying. Because he was telling Kyle how much he loves him and he was begging Kyle not to leave him. And Kyle's parents were there because they were going to drive him to college but Stan didn't care. He ignored the judgement in their eyes and focused on his super best friend, his everything. All he had left.

And he cried, he cried and he didn't care how pathetic he looked, how pitiful of a sight he made. All he cared about was Kyle. All he could see was Kyle. And he poured his heart out, he ripped the damn thing off his chest and offered it to Kyle on a silver platter because it had always been his. Always. And Kyle just looked at him with disgust.

"Please," he had begged one last time. "Please don't leave me, Kyle. I-I love you. I need you. I can't live without you, Kyle, please don't make me."

And Kyle just looked at him with nothing in his eyes. No emotion. Not even an ounce of the fondness that had once always been in his eyes whenever he looked at Stan. He didn't even seem mad anymore, wasn't even crying like he was before when he called Stan selfish and told him he was the worst person he knew.

"I hate you."

And Stan was drunk. He was very drunk, he remembers that. Because everyone was leaving him and Wendy wouldn't marry him and he barely managed to graduate high school. And it had just dawned on him what was happening, that he was being left behind. All of his friends were leaving and he was stuck there.

So his face fell. And he just laughed.

"Fine," he said but it wasn't fine. "Fuck you too, Kyle. Fuck you. You and her are the same, you know? You don't care about me at all. So go. Leave, for all I care. I don't need you, anyway."

Kyle didn't stop looking at him. And the more he did, the more bored he looked. Stopped staring at Stan with disgust and hatred and disappointment and everything in between and started looking at Stan like, that's it. That's just how he is. How he's always been. That's the Stan I know. And he laughed bitterly, before saying it again:

"I hate you, Stan. I really do."

Stan nodded, "Hate me all you want. It's not gonna change the fact that you left me. Remember that. You gave up on me."

That was the last thing he told Kyle. And after that he went home and he cried himself to sleep. Kyle went to college. Stan stayed there. And now as he's staring at who once was his super best friend, all he can do is wonder if he still hates him. If there's any part of him who felt bad at all for leaving him behind. And if he really wants there to be.

Kyle looks away from him. And then he turns to talk to this girl who just came real close to whisper something in his ear. They laugh. Stan is too far away to hear any of it, can't make out the sound of Kyle's laugh over the music. He drinks again. As the party goes on he keeps on drinking and he somehow manages to convince himself he's having fun.

Kyle doesn't talk to him and Stan tells himself that that's fine. That he doesn't want him to. Not because he thinks he's better than Kyle, no, Stan is nothing like his dad. He's not delusional. He knows Kyle is better off without him, nearly everyone is. So he hopes Kyle still hates him. He hopes he never even considers talking to him again.

And most of all, he hopes that when Kyle looks back on things and thinks about him he has no recollection of any of the good times they had. He hopes the bad outweighs the good so that Kyle can never say he "used to be" this or that. He hopes Kyle doesn't miss him. That he doesn't think about him at all unless he needs a reminder of how horrible he is.

By the time Kenny comes back to hug him and say goodbye and remind him to keep in touch, he's content. Not happy but it's not like he ever expected to be. He knows better than that. Stan is content. Content enough to accept the crushing hug Marjorine gives him and a kiss on the cheek. Tolkien pats him on the back, Nichole waves at him.

For a very brief moment his eyes meet Kyle's again and he considers opening his mouth to say something. But that might change the way Kyle feels for him. Might make him believe there's anything worthwhile about Stan and he doesn't want that. The woman Kyle brought kisses him and Kyle's eyes are still glued to Stan's when that happens.

Stan leaves and has the decency to call a cab instead of driving home himself. His mom is still awake when he gets home, asks him how the wedding went. He tells her it went good, she says "that's great, honey" and goes upstairs to sleep. Stan realizes she was waiting to make sure he made home safe before going to bed.

And that is why he hopes Kyle still hates him.

Notes:

Stan throughout the whole chapter: This is fine :-) I'm okay with the events that are unfolding currently :-)

Chapter 2: Tweek and Craig

After the whole mess with the peruvian flute band, Craig's birthday money and Peru, the last thing he ever expected was to get invited to Craig's wedding. Stan doesn't know if it was Tolkien who vouched for him to get an invite or if it was Tweek, who once filled the role of fourth member of their group when they needed someone to do so.

All he knows is he gets an invitation to Craig and Tweek's wedding and this is going to be the wedding of the century for all of South Park. Everyone around town is talking about it because it's Tweek and Craig, so of course they are. Stan wants to be excited for it but the idea of seeing everyone again when nothing changed makes him want to die.

The one thing that changed is that his uncle finally retired so now he's taking care of Jimbo's Guns by himself. He'd love to say that it's a great responsibility and that it shows how much he matured over the years but he's no liar. No one even goes to the store anymore and he's tired of pretending this is anything but a dead end job.

There's no chance of ever doing anything important, of ever moving up or getting a promotion. He's essentially already at the highest rank and he makes as much money as a goddamn janitor. He has no ambitions, no dreams, no life prospects. There's nothing he's passionate about, nothing he wants to study. Nothing he likes.

His mom always tells him that there's still time for these things, that he can still find something he'd like to do. Even his dad thinks he should be getting some education, constantly drops "hints" that he should at least go to community college in Denver or something. He pointedly ignores them because he can't handle having the same conversation.

When he thinks too hard about what his friends are doing, his head hurts. Kenny is studying to be a scientist, Wendy graduated with a degree in political science. Marjorine is getting famous and so is Tolkien, he has an album. Even Clyde is actually chasing his dreams and making it in culinary school. No one knows what Cartman does.

It's with Craig apparently getting an opportunity for an internship at fucking NASA that he starts considering getting married this year and that's how Stan ends up invited to Tweek and Craig's wedding. Part of him wants to wish the worst for them just because he still can't quite stand Craig. But he knows they'll be fine.

They've always been together and always will be, which is something he envies more than anything. When he gets the invitation, his dad bitches about how unfair it is that he didn't get to be invited to the gay wedding of the century. So Stan starts considering not going, just to spite him. He calls Kenny to let him know that he won't be there.

"Dude, you have to come to this wedding. It's Tweek and Craig, man," Kenny almost shouts, sounding more excited about it than the actual two people getting married.

"I know, it's just..." he hesitates a bit, thinks of a good excuse. "I don't even know Tweek and Craig all that much, dude. And you know I never really liked Craig."

"Stan, don't be an asshole. We're the ones who stole money from him on his birthday and made him end up in Peru."

"And he just never forgot about that, did he? I'm surprised he even invited me."

They're silent for a moment before Kenny sighs like he's about to start reminiscing about the past.

"It's crazy that all of Craig's gang seems to be getting married before us. I mean, first Tolkien and Nichole and now them. It's kinda sweet."

"I don't think we have to worry about going to yet another wedding any time soon. I mean, from what I hear, Jimmy's a slut and Clyde and Bebe keep breaking up and getting back together."

Kenny laughs, "Dude, Jimmy has slept with more people than Cartman's mom. That man is never getting hitched."

"Well, the only hope of one of us getting married is you finally proposing to Marj. Or, who knows, maybe Cartman will somehow appear with a wife. I wouldn't put it past him."

The next silence is one they would fill talking about the possibility of Kyle getting married, if Kenny didn't know exactly who he's talking to right now.

"Look, I really want you in this wedding. It's just gonna be me and Marj, Cartman's not coming and I don't think Kyle is either," he adds, probably thinking Stan will have more of a chance of saying yes if he knows Kyle isn't coming.

He's right.

"Alright, fine," Stan nods, even though Kenny can't see it. "But I'm just going for the alcohol."

"About that..."

Stan's eyes widen in apprehension.

"You didn't really get a good look at the invite, did you?"

He sighs, feeling a familiar sense of dread building up in his gut.

"It's alcohol-free?"

"Yep," Kenny says like it pains him to do so. "Sorry, dude. Tweek can't have any alcohol after the whole meth thing. He can't have anything addictive. And Craig doesn't drink either, so... yeah."

"Kenny, how do you expect me to-"

"I'm sure you can handle one night without alcohol, don't be a bitch."

Stan pauses, wondering if he should just lie to Kenny and say he's going and then cancel last minute with an excuse.

"Please? It would mean a lot to me if you went," Kenny asks, because he's an asshole and he knows Stan can't say no to him.

"Fine. Whatever. I'll go."

He can hear Marjorine cheering in the background and Kenny also claps like Stan just promised to give him five hundred dollars. He really doesn't understand why they still act like they want him around so much. At one point, they'll have to admit they don't find him that good to be around. Stan can't imagine who would.

He has to rent a suit again and it's honestly starting to look like it'd be a better investment to just buy one already and wear it to every wedding he's invited to from now on. At least this time he won't have to sit through the ceremony, though he can already guess what'll be like without even having to attend.

Just thinking about Craig reading his vows with that nasally voice, that robot tone he always uses makes him laugh. And Tweek will most likely be shaking from nervousness before they even have to say their vows. Clyde will cry throughout the whole thing and Craig's dad will join him. He wonders who will walk Tweek down the aisle.

If they'll even do that.

When he gets to the wedding reception, all he wants is to find an open bar but he soon realizes it's an alcohol-free wedding and he knew that when he signed up for it. He knew what he was getting into. So he tries to at least enjoy the food. The food is amazing and that helps. If there ever was a chance he'd marry someday, he'd want whoever this caterer is.

Tweek and Craig had Kenny and Stan at the same table and he's thankful for it. Naturally, their wedding theme is blue and green and Stan is surprised to see that Craig is actually wearing a dark blue suit and Tweek has a dark green one. It's the type of adorableness that makes him want to kill himself, like everything Marjorine and Kenny do.

They're incredibly suicide inducing in this party, too. Kenny kisses her all over, they keep whispering to each other and laughing and Stan is almost sure they're doing something under the table. At one point they go missing for an hour and when they come back, looking disheveled, Stan doesn't even want to know what they were doing.

It's disconcerting for him to see Tweek with his hair looking so... good. It's not messy at all and it makes Tweek look like an entirely different person. Stan is reminded of Gary Harrison, shaking the thought away as fast as he can. With no alcohol to occupy his mind, he needs to find something he can distract himself with.

Luckily for him, they start making toasts. Some of them are far too sad for Stan's liking and make him long for something he doesn't have. Like Craig's dad talking about how he's sorry for being unsupportive of them at first and declaring, in tears, that Tweek is part of their family. Craig's mom cries when he says that and his sister rolls her eyes.

Tweek himself seems to be holding back tears. Stan can't help but feel genuinely sorry for him, the things his parents did to him must have taken such a toll on his mental health. It's surprising he managed to recover so quickly and to have a support system like this in your boyfriend's family, Stan is almost jealous.

Jimmy's toast is like a comedy special and Stan enjoys every second because he knows wedding toasts are either extremely depressing or sort of funny. Jimmy's is hilarious and it saves Stan's night for a moment. Clyde's toast is filled with references only Craig's friends will get and it is sort of funny in a way, but it ends with him crying as usual.

Even Red makes a toast, talking about how lucky Craig is to have someone who's willing to deal with his resting bitch face. Saying that their love is an inspiration to any boring and annoying people out there who believe no one would put up with their bullshit. Stan instantly becomes a fan of hers, just for calling out Craig like that.

This is probably the first evening Stan has been able to enjoy without alcohol in years. Sure, he has nights where he doesn't drink but he usually loathes every second of it. It's nice to be sober for once and not have to deal with his brain screaming at him to go grab a knife in the kitchen and kill himself because God knows no one would care.

Stan is enjoying his fourth plate of whatever this dessert they're serving after dinner is when he feels someone familiar sliding next to him. It's Wendy. Her hair is in a braided bun and her makeup compliments her eyes and lips more than anything. She's wearing a beautiful black slit dress and Stan tries very hard not to look at her cleavage.

"Wendy," he says, voice shaking a bit with how nervous he is. "Hey. Long time no see."

He was drunk last time he saw her so he urges himself to be mentally prepared for a slap or a scolding.

"Hey, Stan."

She's smiling at him, so he didn't fuck up too badly last time they saw each other. That's good. It's been a while since he's been so nervous around Wendy, Stan hasn't been like this near her since they started dating for the very first time. He doesn't feel like he's going to throw up but he does feel sweaty and his mouth is unbearably dry.

"You look beautiful," he tells her because he can't imagine anyone else here would and she deserves to hear it. "Black is really your color. Purple, too. I mean, you really look good in anything."

"Thanks."

They stare at each other for an awkward moment. At least it's awkward for Stan, Wendy doesn't seem uncomfortable or anything like that. She's strangely calm. It's almost scary.

"Doing anything lately?"

She smiles like she's been waiting for this question, "Just got my master's degree."

"Really? That's great. Congratulations, Wendy."

He always did think she would do it. And he's surprised to know he feels genuinely good for her, with no envy or shame attached to it. Wendy deserves good things in her life and he's happy all the time she invested in her education clearly went somewhere. He can only hope that she can be as successful as she hopes to be one day.

"And you? How's it going in your life?"

He shrinks away from the question and starts considering lying. But Wendy has always been able to see right through him. He sighs, defeated.

"I'm working at Jimbo's Guns. Still."

"Oh," she says, with no enthusiasm. "Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. Just... you know how I feel about guns."

"I know."

Stan isn't exactly their biggest fan either but it's a job. He considers telling Wendy this but he thinks that'll make her look down on him, even more than she most likely already does. Wendy is the type of person who won't do anything unless it aligns with her own personal beliefs, he admires that about her. Her dedication to the things she believes in.

"Beautiful wedding, huh? I mean, the food is amazing."

"Oh, did you know it was Clyde who catered for them?"

Stan scoffs, "No way."

"Yeah, Stan. He's really good at what he does. Bebe always tells me the reason she won't break up with him for real is that there's two things he knows how to do well, cook and eat."

She raises her eyebrows suggestively and Stan laughs hysterically the second he catches the double meaning in that sentence.

"Well, good for Bebe, I guess."

Wendy sighs, "Did you know Cartman gave her a shovel talk once?"

"He wouldn't."

But Wendy shakes her head, laughing.

"He would! And he did. He told her if she ever broke his heart again, she'd become very familiar with whatever it is he does for a living."

Stan suddenly feels very intimidated, like it wasn't Bebe who got threatened but himself.

"Dude, what the fuck does he do?"

"No one knows," Wendy whispers secretively and they laugh.

They look at each other again. Stan can't help but smile until his eyes crinkle. It's been a while since he managed to talk to someone like this, usually it's Kenny he talks to and as much as he tries, Stan's heart just isn't in it. He loves Kenny, really, he does. He just can't stop imagining he's only friends with him because he pities Stan.

"You know, I really miss you."

It's true. Even if he tries not to think about it most of the time, he very much misses Wendy. He misses her in a way that's very different from missing Kyle. Missing Kyle is like having to learn to live without one of your hands, a hand you were so familiarized with that you can't do anything without it. You constantly have to look to see if it's there.

Missing Wendy feels like looking at your body in the mirror and thinking, I wasn't always like this. It's like missing how fast you were when you were younger, like missing being thinner and not having a beer gut, it's like missing how your hair used to be before you decided dyed blond hair was too childish and decided to go back to black.

Wendy smiles and Stan can see by how she's looking at him that it's a genuine smile. He misses when she smiled at him like that, when he was the reason she would blush and smile until her face hurt. More than anything, he misses when it felt right to hold her close, to feel her next to him and think, this is where she belongs.

We belong together, me and her.

"I miss you too, Stan."

"You think," he falters. "You think there's a universe out there where you actually said yes to-"

"No," Wendy says and she looks serious, even though there's fondness in her face. "No. I don't think so, Stan."

That's hard to hear but he still forces a smile and nods understandingly.

"That's good. You deserve better."

She shakes her head, "Don't say that. It has nothing to do with that. The timing was wrong, that's all."

For a moment he looks at her and he feels like a scared little kid, he feels like he wants to tell her all his deepest secrets. He wants to tell her he tried killing himself once after they all left. He wants to tell her he's an alcoholic, he's just like his dad no matter how hard he tried not to be. He wants to tell her he loves her, always loved her.

But he loves Kyle more. And she should know. She should know when he asked her to marry him, it was desperation talking. And part of him thought she was the best thing he could get. The next best thing because he knew Kyle didn't want him, he knew even before he begged him to stay that Kyle didn't feel the same way about him.

And he wants to apologize for that, for ever thinking of her as a consolation prize because he couldn't have Kyle. But he can't say anything. His tongue won't move. His mouth opens and closes again once he realizes he can't talk. And Stan lowers his head in shame, wants to bury his head in the sand and never have to face the world again.

"It was nice talking to you, Stan," Wendy says and she kisses his cheek before she leaves.

Stan watches her go with a strange sense of detachment from his own body. It's something that feels like acceptance. He knows Wendy is living a life she fought hard for and she deserves to be proud of everything she accomplished. Now it feels like he can genuinely feel good for someone without being reminded of his own failures.

Stan still manages to talk to some other people at the party, surprises himself by just how easy it is for him to interact with others. This has been an evening full of surprises. The biggest one being that most of the surprises were fairly positive ones. Tolkien hugs him again when he sees him, Jimmy brags about his awesome life.

He's in the midst of a very fascinating conversation with Clyde about how he managed to get so good at cooking when Craig shows up and just stands there, silently watching as they speak. Clyde stops to look at him like he thinks he wants something but Craig doesn't say anything so he just continues talking. Stan can't help but give Craig a side eye.

"And it's been especially hard with desserts because they always tempted me the most. But I've learned not to torture myself over stuff like that," Clyde says, with less enthusiasm as he's sensing that Stan is losing interest. "Anyway, if you ever need catering for an event or anything like that, let me know, dude. I'll give you a discount."

"Thanks, Clyde. That's really cool."

It really is. Stan does like Clyde. The rule of association dictates that he dislikes him for just being part of Craig's friend group but Tolkien is one of Stan's best friends so it's not like he cares. Lately Stan has found himself becoming strangely compassionate about Clyde. Maybe because of his sensitivity issues or his on and off relationship with Bebe.

Whatever it is about him that makes Stan feel so moved, it has him feel bad for not properly talking to him just now. Part of him just really wants to know what he put in that dessert thing he couldn't name if someone put a gun to his head. Too soft to be a cake, too solid to be pudding. It was divine. The best thing he ever tasted.

"You know, I always thought you two would be the first to get married," Stan says because Craig is just standing there, unmoving and he needs to break the silence.

"That's funny," Craig says in a voice that makes it seem like he's never even heard of the concept of fun. "I always thought it'd be you and Wendy."

He awkwardly shifts his gaze, ignores the pain coming from the giant Wendy shaped hole in his chest.

"Well, I tried," he jokes. "But that didn't work out."

"No. It didn't."

The silence between them is the worst possible kind. When it's silent between Stan and his friends, like Kenny or Marjorine, Tolkien, he can at least know that it isn't an awkward silence. With Craig, who may or may not still hate him because of the whole peruvian flute band thing, it's extremely uncomfortable.

"It must have been stressing, huh? The whole wedding planning thing. I mean, you two aren't rich like Tolkien."

"Tricia helped. Gave some ideas. She's been planning this in her head for about twelve years."

Stan nods, "So? How does it feel? Being married to the guy you love?"

Craig gives him a weird look. Stares at him for far too long for Stan's liking and for a second he thinks he's about to get the rudest response ever. But he just sighs loudly and when Stan follows his gaze, he sees that he's looking at Tweek, who's laughing and being pampered by Craig's very attentive parents. It's sweet, how much they care.

"It's easy," Craig finally says. "Being with Tweek it's the easiest thing I've ever done. It feels as natural as breathing. Like I don't know how I ever lived without him before."

That's very... beautiful. That could be poetry. It's the opposite of whatever he expected from Craig and it makes Stan's head spin for a moment. Almost sends him on a downard spiral. Reminds him he had someone whose presence in his life felt as natural as breathing. Loving Kyle always felt as natural as breathing for him. And being without Kyle...

Well, he still loves him so it's not like he can say he can't breathe. It feels like he does know how to breathe and is desperate to do so again but can't get any access to clean air. That's what he tells himself it feels like and in his head, it makes sense. Craig must sense that he's thinking something along these lines because he looks at him funny.

"Call him," Craig says and Stan turns to him with absolute confusion in his expression. "It's not too late. You can still call him."

Stan knows who he's talking about. He can pretend he doesn't all he wants but he does know. Everyone else knows too, any of his friends or classmates would know. Because Kyle has always been his Tweek, even before Tweek and Craig were a thing. It was Stan and Kyle, it was super best friends. And now that it's just Stan, it feels wrong.

"I can't," Stan mumbles.

"Is it because you're afraid of rejection or because your pride won't let you admit to being at fault?"

He doesn't know why Craig is talking to him like this, he knows nothing about him and Kyle. It's none of his business if he calls Kyle or not and he has no right to tell him he was the one who fucked up, he doesn't get what's going on between him and Kyle. Stan wants to tell him all that and more but he's tired and wornout, all he can manage is:

"You don't know anything about me and Kyle."

Craig can only laugh mockingly, "Everyone knows about you and Kyle."

That feels like a slap. Like writing "the end" in the final line. It's not a comma, it's a period. And it's the end of this conversation. Stan feels like crying by the time Craig has joined Tweek and his parents. It's late and he misses Kyle and he misses alcohol and, most of all, he misses being a kid. He misses when home meant safety and comfort.

So he tells Kenny he has to be home early. He tells Marjorine he'll call. He accepts Tolkien's hug and exchanges phone numbers with Clyde. And right before he leaves, he gives the very cliche and wistful look he promised himself he wouldn't give Wendy. She raises her glass with nothing but juice in it when she sees him, smiling contently.

When Stan gets home he doesn't even take his suit off, he sits on the bed with only his tie undone. He's clutching his phone in his hands, contemplating Kyle's contact on his phone and he makes a terrible decision to actually call. Craig's words ring through his head and he tells himself it's not too late, it's not too late, it's not too late, it's not.

The phone rings but it doesn't answer. Stan keeps trying until he hears the voice of a woman, that almost makes him give up but he asks to speak with Kyle and she tells him there are no Kyles there. And she sounds genuinely apologetic about it too, especially when she says:

"You must have the wrong number."

So Stan hangs up. He stares at the picture on Kyle's contact in his phone, the one of both of them, the one he knows Kyle has the other half of, the half that has Stan in it. They look so young in that photo. Lately he's been feeling so old. He puts the phone away and goes to grab a drink, searching for his bottles on the liquor cabinet.

He doesn't even take a glass, just the entire bottle. And he sits alone in his room drinking and he thinks back to what Craig said and he thinks back to what Wendy told him, gets to the conclusion that once again Craig is wrong and Wendy is the one who's right. The bitter taste of whiskey in his mouth fits his mood just fine.

It's too late.

Notes:

Craig whenever he sees Stan and/or Kyle: I quickly became homophobic

Chapter 3: Kenny and Marjorine

Notes:

Okay so this chapter gets a little weird in terms of things that should be impossible being possible but it's South Park and Kenny is still out here actively dying and getting back to life so... not that crazy.

Also it got a little too long because there was a lot to put here and the chapter happened in the span of like two years. First chapter Stan is twenty three, he's twenty four in the second one and in this he goes from that to twenty six at the end.

I know how crazy it is that these people are marrying and doing so much in their twenties but to me, it makes sense. Also I wanted to highlight how inadequate Stan feels compared to his friends as they graduate, get high paying jobs, get married. It might not be realistic, sorry about that.

Just when Stan manages to convince himself he's not doing too bad for his age, that it's not that crazy for a twenty four year old to be living with his mom and working a tedious job he hates, he gets a call from Tolkien and learns his friend is going to be a dad. There's a small celebration coming up, he says. And he invites Stan.

Apparently Tolkien and Nichole have been waiting for her to be at least four months in to say anything. Something about it being bad luck to tell everyone too early. They're having a gender reveal party. Tolkien defends himself by saying he does realize how tacky those can be but it's just something they're doing for fun.

Stan is too caught up on the fact that he's having a baby to judge him for the fact that he'll be throwing a gender reveal party. Part of him is almost enraged by this, he wants to scream. Wants to tell him it's too early for something like that but every time he thinks about it, the more sense it makes. Of course Tolkien is happy to be a dad.

That's when it dawns on him that he's an adult. His friends are adults and they're building a family. Tolkien has every right to be overjoyed that he'll become a dad soon, he has the financial and emotional stability to be having a child. He jokes about how he was scared Nichole would ask him to consider having Cartman be the baby's godfather.

She's not insane so they agree on Clyde and Bebe as the godparents. They're not always together so it's an awkward pair but Clyde is Tolkien's best friend, Bebe is Nichole's. Stan is hit with immense relief when he realizes Tolkien never even considered him as a godfather, even though they've been closer since he moved back to South Park.

A lot of people have. Clyde and Bebe are back, with Bebe having her own place thanks to her job that Stan's convinced is a pyramid scheme but won't dare voice his opinion on. Clyde has been living with his dad and stepmom, Liane being in desperate need of a child to pamper and fawn over with her little Eric living so far away from her.

Tolkien and Nichole are living in what is very obviously a mansion but they don't acknowledge it. Stan tries to pretend that he's not deeply ashamed of himself and desperately jealous of everything they've accomplished. Their life together, their relationship, the fame, the money, the new addition to their family.

He vows not to ruin things for them. So he goes to the gender reveal party and he congratulates them and gets them a nice gift. Well, what he hopes is a nice and very gender neutral gift because he still doesn't know the baby's gender and so diapers is as best as it gets. Bebe is convinced it'll be a boy. Randy has fifty bucks running on it being a girl.

Stan doesn't question how his dad was somehow invited to the gender reveal party, he does seem to have what he thinks is a friendship with Steven Black. Stan has a theory that he invited himself to the event and Tolkien's mom didn't want to be rude so she let him come. Tolkien's parents are very excited to be grandparents. It's sweet.

There's no alcohol at the party because Nichole can't have any and Tolkien has decided not to drink for the entirety of her pregnancy, not even on special occasions. Stan wishes he could have the self-control for something like that but he knows he doesn't, he sticks with his dad and discreetly sips from his beer flask.

His dad wins the bet and it is a girl. Bebe is both pissed that she didn't get it right and incredibly excited to spend time with the little girl. She promises to get Nichole the cutest baby clothes ever and explains how she has the money for it thanks to her new business. Stan stares at Clyde with an expression he hopes translates his feelings of are you seeing this shit?

Since no one in there has any idea what it's like to be a parent, Randy feels like he's entitled to give advice on how to handle children. By the time he's done speaking more than a few people are giving Stan pity glances and staring at his dad with wide eyes. Steven and his wife give each other pointed looks and even Nichole's parents seem disturbed.

"Well, I'll tell you what you shouldn't do," Stan says. "You shouldn't drive her and her friends while you're drinking and make her hold the wheel cause you have to pee."

People laugh awkwardly at this but Stan's lucky enough that Tweek decides to help him not be the only one to embarrass himself.

"Or start giving her coffee when she's less than a year old."

After the party, Stan can't stop thinking about everything. The idea of some of his friends being parents is making him feel sick. How can they know they're ready for something like that? What if they mess up? Messing up a kid is so much worse than messing up a marriage or your career or even your mental health.

It's something you can't go back on. The kid will be a constant reminder of your failure as a parent unless you manage to somehow convince yourself you're not at fault. Like Stan's dad did. And how do you navigate life with a child who will remember everything you've done and said to them? Even at your lowest points, all they'll remember is how you treated them.

Life goes back to normalcy for some time. Enough that he almost forgets Nichole is carrying a baby. When you really think about, it's so weird. There's actual life growing inside her now and she's able to just walk around and do normal things while that's happening in the background. When Nichole's baby is born, Stan hears about it from Clyde.

There's some worry over the fact that the baby came early. Nichole was eight months in when her water broke and for a moment Stan is genuinely fearful for what that might mean. But what he hears from Clyde is that the baby is fine. She and Nichole stay in the hospital a while to make sure everything's alright but they soon are able to bring their baby home.

When he last spoke to Tolkien, he talked about how his dad suggested he name the baby something J.R.R. Tolkien related but he just couldn't think of a name of a character of any of the man's books he liked. Stan was glad for it because whatever child they had that would be named something like Legolas or Gandalf would get bullied for sure.

They end up naming the child Angela, a beautiful name in Stan's opinion. Not that his opinion matters much in that regard, he doesn't know what he'd name a kid if he ever had one. The only thing he's ever named was his dog Sparky but thinking about that makes him sad. He wishes he could get another dog but he recognizes he can barely look after himself.

It's July when Stan gets the news that Kenny and Marjorine are moving back to South Park and he couldn't be more excited. In fact, it's been a while he's been so excited for something and he throws a small welcoming party for them in his dad's farm because for all he hates the place, it has a lot of space. His dad doesn't help at all but that's typical.

Stan manages to convince Shelly to show up. It's been a while since she last saw Marjorine and Stan knows she sees her as a sister so he uses that to his advantage to manipulate her into agreeing. Not to mention her husband is Kenny's brother and they probably haven't gotten to see each other for some time, too.

Even though he knows Kenny calls his siblings every day. Twice a day sometimes because that's just how Kenny is. Stan accepts his nephew's hug when the boy runs to his arms, manages to lift him up despite how tall and big he's getting. Simon is only six and Stan barely sees the kid because Shelly won't visit or even video chat.

"Damn, he's getting fat. Just like you when you were his age, huh?"

Predictably, Shelly punches him for that.

"Shut up, turd," she grumbles.

It's still weird to hear her voice free of the lisp she got from her braces, even though she had them removed when she was like, nineteen. They surprise Kenny and Marjorine with the party, the two of them getting so excited to see their family that Stan almost cries. He pulls Kenny into a big hug and for a moment he pretends he's all he needs. His best friend. But it feels wrong to think of him like that.

The rest of the day goes as best as it can. Stan finds himself having a beer with his dad and Kenny, Kevin declining because he's been sober ever since he was twenty. Kenny claps him in the back for this, says he was always the best of them all. They both laugh like this is some inside joke and give each other pointed looks.

"Nah," Kenny says lightly. "That's still Karen."

"And thank god for Karen!" Kevin declares.

Karen is actually the one who hugged Kenny first and who held him longer than anyone else. Stan can't help but find it a little awkward to see a younger sibling have such an easy and trusting relationship with their older sibling when it couldn't be more different from his relationship with his sister. So he avoids thinking about it.

Marjorine does eventually sit down to have a drink with them. Not beer though because she insists it tastes like piss. She eagerly tells Stan all about their friends who are still away from South Park. Jimmy supposedly got an STD, Wendy has been working as a campaign manager for an upcoming politician in New Jersey and Kyle is in residency.

"He says he wants to become a pediatrician," she finishes proudly.

Stan forces a smile, tries to think of something he can tell her about their friends who live here. The first thing that comes to mind is:

"Bebe's in a pyramid scheme."

Randy laughs like he just heard an excellent joke but Stan doesn't know what's funny about it. Everyone knows it. They just won't say it.

"Oh and also, Tolkien had a baby."

Marjorine lights up at that, "I know! I saw a post on his Instagram."

"People still use Instagram?" Kenny asks.

"We should go visit her and meet the baby."

"Oh, you really should," Karen agrees. "She's so cute. I bumped into Nichole at the City Wok and she let me hold her."

When the party is done and everyone is going home, Kenny asks Stan to come talk to him privately while Marjorine's dad is telling her to visit as often as she can and call every day. Stan follows him feeling a sudden apprehension grabbing him by the throat, making it harder to breathe. He can see in Kenny's eyes that whatever he's about to say isn't good.

"Look, dude, I'm sorry you had to hear it from me but..."

Stan gives him a look he hopes will encourage Kenny to just rip the band-aid off already but a very big part of him doesn't want to hear what he has to say.

"You remember that homeschooled chick? The one Kyle had a crush on?"

Stan's heart clenches painfully in his chest, he takes a deep breath.

"Yeah. What about her?"

"So her name's Rebecca. She and Kyle met in the hospital where he's doing his residency program. They're dating."

"Oh," Stan says and that's all he thinks.

Oh.

Kenny gives him a pained look, "I just wanted to let you know."

Stan nods, doesn't say anything for a long time.

"Thanks, dude."

"You're welcome," Kenny says and then gives him a hug.

Stan works on autopilot mode for the next days. Physically he's at Jimbo's Guns making sure the place looks clean for all the customers he won't get. He's doing the dishes to repay his mom for cooking. He's having a shot of whiskey. He's having a bottle of whiskey. He's brushing his teeth. He's getting his piece of junk car looked at.

Mentally he's thinking about Kyle. He's always thinking about Kyle whether he wants to or not. Because Kyle was always in the background of his mind before, just standing there as he did everything he could to drown out his voice saying I hate you, Stan. I really do. But now he's on the forefront of his mind, his presence haunts him.

In the nights he drinks and he tries not to think about anything, especially Kyle but he sneaks into his thoughts anyway. He falls asleep thinking about Kyle, he gets up and the first thing in his mind is Kyle. He lies on the bed awake wondering if Kyle is with Rebecca now, if he's laying her on the bed and touching her. Kissing her. Loving her.

He's detached from his body as he watches Marjorine coo over Angela, making ridiculous noises with her mouth to make the baby laugh. Nichole compliments her on how well she is with the baby and Marjorine says she always wanted a little sister. Stan focuses on that conversation to escape from the white noise in his head.

"It's hard work," Kenny says. "But I think it's worth it. At least when your little sister is as amazing as Karen is. Some of them are little demons. Like Tricia."

"Well, when I was a kid I used to want to have a sibling so whenever I got grounded I didn't have to be alone. I could stay in my room playing with them."

Everyone gets quiet as they usually do when Marjorine says things that remind everyone of how shitty of a childhood she had. It's not something exclusive to her, it happens to Stan on occasion and often when Kenny talks about being too poor to afford heating or having to start working when he was ten, everyone shuts up rather quickly.

"Well, babies are cute," Stan says awkwardly before it gets weird.

"They're hard work but they're worth it when you know what you're getting into," Nichole articulates wisely. "Do you ever want kids, Marjorine?"

"Sure I'd love to have 'em. It's a big decision, though. We're gonna need a lot of money for a surrogate or even for an adoption. Plus, those things take time."

If Kyle was here, he'd advocate for adoption. Because he has Ike and he wouldn't trade his little brother for anything in the world. Even thinking about that is enough to make Stan feel empty inside, like whatever's responsible for making people happy got ripped out of him when Kyle left. When Kyle abandoned him.

"In the meantime, we can try," Kenny says, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Stan groans and Nichole gets visibly embarrassed but Marjorine doesn't seem sheepish about it in the slightest.

"Gee, it'd sure be convenient if we could make a baby the ol' fashioned way."

Stan physically recoils from the words "old fashioned" because all he can remember to associate them with is his dad's exaggerated groaning. He shakes these thoughts away from him just like he shakes every thought he has related to Kyle. When he goes home that night, he tells himself it doesn't matter what Kyle's doing.

In fact, fuck Kyle is what he thinks after what must be his fourth drink. Kyle can go fuck himself. He and that Rebecca girl can get married for all he cares, it's got nothing to do with him. Stan won't live the rest of his life comparing himself to his friends. It doesn't matter that Tolkien and Nichole had a baby and Tweek and Craig got married.

Nothing matters. He's doing fine. Everything's fine. And he doesn't regret anything in his life, he doesn't regret anything that lead him to this. And this is the truth, he's not fooling himself. Stan is nothing like his dad, he's not selfish like Kyle claims he is. He's not delusional or self-absorbed and he has no problem with the way things are going with his life.

That's it. Nothing else.

It's two months before his birthday that he's hit with yet another major life event and this time it has to be the universe trying to fuck with him.

"You're drunk, dude," he accuses over the phone. "You're not making any sense."

"I'm telling you it's real. I don't know how the fuck it happened either."

Stan laughs hysterically, feeling like he's moments from going completely insane. This has to be a fever dream, maybe he drank too much, maybe he went too far. Maybe he finally managed to die. This is absurd.

"Kenny, Marjorine doesn't have an uterus."

"I know, okay?" his friend shouts from the other side. "You think I don't fucking know that? I'm telling you, this isn't me going crazy. It's real. And I'll tell you something. It has something to do with this fucking town."

Maybe he's high. Kenny has gotten high before, hell, he's called Stan while in the middle of some pretty bad trips. It has to be that.

"You're crazy."

"Apparently she's like a month in. Which is coincidentally exactly when we got back in this fucking place. And like, ever since we got here it's like she has baby fever or something. She's been talking about family and- and she's been trying to convince me we should have a baby."

"She doesn't have what it takes to get pregnant, Kenny," Stan talks very slow, like he's speaking to a child. "Maybe she's just sick."

"She's been sick. Every day. And we go to the doctor and he says congratulations and I tried telling him it made no sense, we tried but then there was an ultrasound-"

"They switched the exams or something, fuck, Kenny, I don't know."

"I'm telling you it's real," Kenny says and something about the way he says that makes Stan get goosebumps.

It just reminds him of something. But he can't remember what.

"It's real."

Stan continues to tell him it's not real. Kenny sends him a picture of the fetus, the ultrasound showing that there's something in there and he continues to tell him it's not real. Marjorine starts showing and he tells them it's not real. For four entire months he convinces himself they're playing a prank on him, even though Kenny's increasing panic seems very real.

They're five months in and the doctor says it's a girl and Stan says it's not real. Randy's dad accepts it like it's the most normal thing in the world. Marjorine tells Bebe and Nichole and they grow past their confusion to seem excited for her. Stan keeps telling everyone it's not real. It can't be. Father Maxi says it's a miracle, Kenny says it's "the curse".

Marjorine calls it a blessing. She takes the whole thing very well and even when Kenny seems terrified and upset, she's positive about it. Kenny calls Stan in the middle of the night most days, sounding unhinged and making no sense as he shares his theories. Karen is excited about it, Kevin is confused. Kenny's mom also calls it a miracle.

Stan thinks it's a joke. A big joke the universe is playing on the entire town. This is just the sort of thing that'd happen in South Park. He tells himself it makes no sense. It'll go away. It's insanity. It's March when Kenny calls to tell him they had a C-section because of course they did, how else would they get it out?

It's definitely not a baby. It's not. It's a rare disease or one of those psychological pregnancies, it's one of those things. He doesn't know. It's not a baby. He holds it in his arms. It's not a baby. It can't be. Kenny said he wants him to be the godfather. It's not a baby. He looks at it, eyes closed and sleeping peacefully. A girl.

"She's very quiet," Marjorine says like she's personally responsible for that.

"This is the most insane thing that ever happened in this town," Stan says, feeling like he's inside a fever dream.

"How about Imaginationland?" Marjorine points out.

Kenny grins, "That time the goth kids resurrected Cthulhu?"

"Oh," Marjorine raises her arm eagerly. "That time they turned Kyle into a human centipede!"

"Ugh, don't remind me."

"When you guys threw a ninja star in my eye and covered me in dog fur?"

Kenny winces, "Sorry bout that, babe."

He kisses Marjorine's hand in a silent apology and she beams at him.

"It was a long time ago, buddy. It's fine."

Stan rocks the baby in his arms, feeling wrong to be holding such a delicate thing.

"Maybe I died," he suggests to himself. "I died and this is a dream."

His mental breakdown is interrupted by the door suddenly opening and the very last people he wanted to see today coming in the hospital room. Kenny smiles and waves at Cartman and Kyle, the asshole. Stan wants to hate him for calling them here and not having the decency to warm him but he can't be so inconsiderate at this time.

"I thought you were fucking joking, Kenny," Cartman says and he pulls Kenny into a hug. "You really got Butters knocked up?"

Kenny smirks, "Can you see her on the bed or not? Cause I made her a trans parent."

"My god, Kenny, you're already making dad jokes," Kyle says and it's the first time Stan head his voice in seven years.

"What can I say? I adapt quickly."

This realization weights heavily on his back and before he can even say anything, Kyle is staring at him. Stan can't handle it. Being analyzed like this makes him feel like he's a stranger, some dude Kyle has to endure to visit his actual friends. It only takes a minute for Kyle to realize Stan hasn't changed one bit and he quickly turns back to Kenny.

"Congratulations, dude," he says warmly and Stan hates that all the warmth came back to his eyes as soon as he stopped looking at him. "Of all of us, you're definitely the one I imagined would make the best dad."

"I'll have you know I could be an excellent dad if I wanted to, jew," Cartman argues.

"In your dreams, fatass. You don't even have a dad."

"Well, fuck you. Kenny, are you just gonna let him talk to your baby's godfather like that?"

"You know damn well it's not you, Cartman."

Both Kyle and Cartman turn to look at Stan and he feels so incredibly horrible in his own skin, he's never been more ashamed. Which is ridiculous because who could ever manage to look bad in front of Cartman of all people? It had to be him to make a fool of himself in front of someone he watched get his ass beat at least ten times.

"I mean, you guys know Stan is like a brother to Marj."

"Fuck you, Butters, you goddamn traitor. Since when is he the one you're closest to?"

"Gee, Eric, if I wanted my kid to grow up to be a spoiled, wimpy, fat brat, I woulda just sent her to your mom," Marjorine explains cheerfully.

Kyle laughs at that, the type of laugh that makes him have to hold his stomach and has tears in the corners of his eyes. Stan missed that laugh. Missed hearing it and he misses being the one to cause it. He doesn't want to be here right now, he can't be here. He wants to support his friends but the idea of having to spend another minute with this Kyle...

The Kyle that looks at him like there's nothing worthwhile there, the Kyle that told him he hated him, the Kyle that sees Stan and knows what Stan is, knows who he is enough to know he shouldn't waste his time with him. He can't be around this Kyle. It's far too painful. So while everyone else is laughing he hands Kenny his baby back.

And he manages to slip away without making much of a scene, he hopes.

"What's up Stan's ass?" he hears Cartman say as soon as he closes the door behind him and he sighs.

He spends some time in the waiting area with his dad, Marjorine's parents, Carol McCormick and Karen. When Kyle has to leave, he passes by Stan and gives him a look that makes him wonder what he's thinking. But it's just for a moment and then he's gone. As quickly as he came. Cartman actually sticks around for a bit. Stan doesn't know why but he doesn't question it.

He stays for a week. And mostly, all he does is annoy people. But one night, it's just Stan, Cartman, Kenny and Marjorine. Their "quiet" baby started becoming noisy as soon as they left the hospital and Kenny and Marjorine didn't sleep for about five days. Then Karen and Tricia agreed to look after the baby so they could rest.

Tricia argued she wanted to see if she was ready to be an aunt in case her brother ever adopts or gets a surrogate. Karen said she's already an aunt because she's with Karen and Karen is Maxine's auntie, so Tricia is as well. It was sweet of Marjorine to name her baby after Father Maxi when he's done so much to support her.

So they got a full night sleep. And before Cartman can go back home, they spend some time together. Kenny doesn't drink and he claims he never will anymore because the last thing he wants is to be like his dad. Stan swallows the shame that comes in the form of a lump on his throat and Cartman grins, saying that that's why it's good he never had a dad.

"I wanna make things right by her, you know?"

"We're gonna do our best, Ken," Marjorine says, running her fingers through his hair soothingly as Kenny lays his head on her lap. "It'll be alright."

Stan smiles sadly, "Sometimes I wonder if our parents said the same thing. And look how that turned out."

Everyone is silent. Stan doesn't even have it in him to apologize for getting everyone depressed by overthinking.

"Damn," Cartman says. "You're one miserable hippie fuck, aren't you?"

Kenny and Marjorine laugh, like the assholes they are.

"Yeah, come on, Stan," Marjorine pats him in the back, her tone sympathetic. "Don't be such a little bitch."

Kenny and Marjorine end up going to sleep before they do because of course they'd be tired. They're parents now. It's the first time Stan thinks about this and actually accepts this as reality. This supposed magic pregnancy that didn't even make it to the top five craziest things that ever happened in South Park.

Being alone with Cartman feels very foreign because usually when their group split up, it was Stan and Kyle, Kenny and Cartman. Sometimes Kyle got stuck with Cartman, more times than he'd like. And then it was Stan and Kenny. It usually wasn't Stan and Cartman. So he doesn't think much about the silence between them.

"Did he talk to you?"

Stan gets startled when Cartman finally talks, his head whipping up to face him.

"What?"

"Kyle," Cartman says and for once he says it right. Not Kahl. This upsets Stan. "Did he talk to you in the hospital?"

Stan shakes his head, "He just left."

"Figures. I knew he'd be too much of a pussy."

He reaches into the pocket in his blazer and takes out a piece of paper. He hands it over to Stan and for a moment Stan is almost too scared to do anything. But he takes the paper and looks at it. It's an invitation. A wedding invitation. To Kyle's wedding. Rebecca Cotswolds and Kyle Broflovski along with their families invite you to celebrate their marriage.

Stan stares at it for a moment, his brain struggling to make sense of it. Cartman is watching for his reaction. He knows that. And he's about to give him the damn thing back and say "so what?", go back to drinking his beer like nothing happened. Hoping Cartman will tell Kyle about this, shove it in his face that Stan doesn't care anymore.

Instead, he starts sobbing.

He can feel Cartman staring at him but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Kyle is getting married. He's marrying that girl and probably having kids with her and making something worthwhile of his life and he's doing nothing, nothing but reminisce about how it was and how he wishes it still was. He's lost, he's drowning, in the middle of the sea.

There's no sight of any land for him to hold onto, there's no hope of a place to go to for safety, there's no boat coming to rescue, there's just him. Just him drowning, alone. And he can't breathe. He can't breathe. Someone is talking to him and he can't breathe, can't think, it's all too much. It's nothing but open sea and he can't swim, he forgot how to.

He's drowning, he's sinking. He's dying.

"Don't do this to me, come on," Cartman is screaming, at least it seems like he's screaming. "Fucking pull yourself together. Goddamn it, Stan. Breathe. Breathe, you fucking gaylord."

Cartman holds his shoulders as they shake with his sobs, Stan is sobbing, shaking, he's panting as he starts to calm down and realize where he is. His eyes close. He takes deep, deep breaths. And Cartman is still throwing every insult in the book at him, calling him every slur he knows. He takes a deep breath. Again and again. Until he can breathe normally.

"There you are," Cartman says, sounding a little scared. "Jesus Christ, you're a mess. Don't shoot the messenger, bitch. I just didn't want you to find out through anyone else. Don't get all boy interrupted on me."

Stan laughs, a weak sound that makes it seem like he has asthma. He doesn't anymore. For a moment, everything feels very real for him. He can hear the crickets on the outside of Kenny and Marjorine's house. He can feel the wind. There's a living, breathing person right in front of him and he feels more real. He doesn't know if that's a good thing.

"You really love that filthy jew, huh?"

Stan glares at him for his phrasing but eventually, he nods.

"I do," he admits. "I feel like no matter how much time passes, I'll never stop loving him."

He expects Cartman to make fun of him for that, is entirely ready for it by the time he finishes his sentence. But for once in his life, Eric Cartman doesn't say anything inappropriate. Anything bad. He says nothing at all, like he just heard the advice that goes "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all". He claps Stan twice on the back.

"I have to get going," he says as he finally gets up. "This place smells like white trash."

"Don't bother visiting again, asshole."

Cartman smiles, "I won't. If I wanted to see a pathetic little bitch, I'd go visit your boyfriend."

For them, that's basically a promise to see each other again. Stan doesn't have to hug him or pretend, that's why it's always been easy with Cartman. He'll miss having someone to make fun of, to be the butt of the joke. One thing he won't miss is having to deal with the fact that Cartman is probably more successful than him at this point.

Kenny proposes to Marjorine two weeks after their daughter is born and Stan gets a front row seat to the whole thing. Old fashioned Stephen Stotch insists on paying for the wedding as the bride's father, even though Kenny keeps making a point to mention he can afford it. They agree to have Tolkien's daughter as the flower girl.

Stan lets himself be distracted by the wedding planning so he won't have to think about Kyle getting married. It works to the point of the date of his wedding passing without Stan even thinking about it, though Cartman's enough of an asshole to send him a selfie with Kyle and his bride in the altar as the background.

Kenny travels for the wedding with Marjorine but they don't talk about it. Stan is very grateful for it, that Kenny doesn't mention it at all. Wedding planning continues as it never stopped when he gets back but it's only in next year's November that they actually get married. Their daughter is a one year old at that point.

Stan feels like a dad watching Kenny and Marjorine get married. He never expected to care much for her but if there's anyone he ever cared for like a son, it's Kenny. He's only a year younger but Stan will never forget how him, Kyle and Cartman were always so fiercely protective of him, even if they often made fun of him themselves.

The wedding is a small affair. A beautiful ceremony only for the family and some of the friends. Stan manages to ignore Kyle, Kyle and his wedding band glowing in the sunlight, through the ceremony with ease. He gets lost on Marjorine's vows that could make a grown man cry. And it does make several of them cry. Him, Stephen, Kenny and Kyle.

Kenny's vows are more funny than anything but there are some things he says that make Stan feel like hitting his head against a wall until he smashes his brain. Even Father Maxi is crying by the time he declares them husband and wife. Their first kiss as a married couple is enough to make a stripper blush, hair pulling, lip biting and everything.

But all in all, it's adorable.

So much so that Stan is able to momentarily forget Kyle is married now. His best friend, his super best friend. The man he loved. Loves, he never managed to stop loving Kyle. And Kyle never loved him, at least not like that. Stan tells himself that's alright but as he looks at how happy his friends are, he can't help but want to cry.

He wants that. Is that too much to ask for? He wants someone to look at him and see something that's worthy of love. Of care and patience. He wants what Kenny and Marjorine have, what Tweek and Craig have, what Nichole and Tolkien have. He would do anything for it. The idea that he doesn't get that, that he doesn't deserve that, it stings.

Even his dad has found someone willing to stay by his side, with all his flaws. So why hasn't Stan found that person? What is it about him that makes that so hard? He knows his mom would tell him he's still young, life won't be over tomorrow and he's not even on his thirties yet. But he wishes he'd never be. He wants to disappear.

And he's been wanting that since he was fifteen years old so it does feel like he's too old. He never quite imagined getting this far. In the party, he surrounds himself with friends so people won't have to worry about him. He drinks enough to start laughing for no reason but not too much, too many drinks have him melancholic.

He manages to find the perfect equilibrium between being around his friends enough to give Kenny good memories and avoiding any groups of people that have Kyle in it so he doesn't have to face him. Because he knows if he acknowledges Kyle, he'll break. And he'll do something he most likely will regret. So he distracts himself.

He has fun. At least he tells himself he does. He's starting to feel sleepy when he spots a familiar figure and immediately walks up to her. Wendy is just as beautiful as she always looks in these sort of events. In high heels, she's just as tall as he is and Stan smiles at her when he sees she's wearing her signature color. Another slit dress, a purple one.

Maybe it's magenta, he wouldn't know. She always knew these things better than he did.

"We have to stop meeting like this," he tells her because it's the third time they've seen each other at a wedding.

He wonders if he would have seen her at Kyle's wedding and then quickly shakes his head to make sure these thoughts go away.

"Well, this time there's alcohol," Wendy jokes. "You must feel better."

Stan urges himself not to take as a jab at him but if it was, it'd be pretty justified.

"You look beautiful. It's nice to see you wearing purple again," he beams at her. "Reminds me of better times."

"Was it better, Stanley?"

He winces a bit, "Being around you always made it seem that way, I guess."

She gives him a very intense look, like her eyes are searching for something inside his soul. Stan feels vulnerable but not uncomfortably so. Probably because this is Wendy and she always knows more about him than he'd like her to, anyway. There's a familiar longing in her dark eyes when she finally gets back to looking at him normally.

"Why do you have to be such a charmer all of a sudden?"

"Sorry," he nearly whispers. "I'll back off if you want me to."

Her forehead creases and she looks like he just told her something horrible.

"And now you're considerate, too. Why couldn't you be these things back when we were dating?"

It's with a hint of laughter in her voice that she says it but Stan can hear genuine hurt in the way her voice trembles. It kills him, knowing how much he hurt Wendy without ever meaning to. He raises her chin to make her look him in the eyes rather than just stare at the floor like she's been doing. She looks so incredibly young now.

"I'm sorry, Wendy. You deserved better. You always did."

For a second it seems like she's about to cry but instead, she smiles. A wide smile that makes her look like she's squinting. It's one of the cutest things he's ever seen and he can't help the way his face heats up, he stops looking at her. He almost manages to pull himself together but then he looks at her again and that intense look in her eyes is back.

Stan's face is on fire. He hides it in his hands and ignores Wendy's booming laughter. Even her laugh is cute. He really missed moments like this with her, moments that make him remember why he fell for her in the first place. It's in moments like this that he can feel himself falling for her all over again, enough to feel his heart clench.

"Now you're shy?" Wendy asks in a teasing tone, her long nails playfully scratching Stan's hair.

"Stop," he mumbles. "Come on."

And for that brief moment Stan forgets everything. He forgets about how drunk he is, forgets that they're at a wedding, forgets all about Kyle and how he's married now. Forgets all his pain. All he can see and hear is Wendy and it feels like falling in love for the first time did, it feels like the first time he laid his eyes on her.

For that moment, it's just the two of them in the world and he's fine. And he would love to be fine for the rest of his life.

Notes:

Yes Kyle met Rebecca when he was twenty four and proposed when he was twenty five. I feel like that's in character for him, man is in desperate need to be loved and his heart been broke too many times.

Chapter 4: Stan and Wendy

Notes:

Sorry this got too long :-P

Wendy sticks around after the wedding. Stan isn't sure why but he's not complaining. In a way, it reminds him of what Cartman did when Kenny and Marjorine's baby was born. For the next few weeks, he gets to spend some quality time with Wendy and he doesn't even feel bad that it won't last. He feels a strange sort of bliss.

They sleep together that night when they get back from the wedding reception, stumble through Wendy's hotel room and awkwardly take each other's clothes off. It feels like it's been way overdue. Stan misses her and he wants to be as close to her as possible before he goes back to being far away from her again.

The sex is probably bad but it sure doesn't feel like it. They're both too drunk to be well coordinated, they keep laughing at random times for no reason and Stan accidentally slides out of her at least twice. But it's fun in a way that sex usually isn't. It's intimate and good, the aftermath is especially good for him because it feels different.

There's no immediate regret, there's no sudden wave of guilt over things that happened ages ago. Stan stares at the ceiling in mindless pleasure, Wendy has her head on his chest and even though they're very sweaty and smell like booze, he feels like this is heaven. Laying in bed running his fingers through Wendy's hair, existing together.

He assumes they won't talk about it again in the morning. In fact, he's ready to leave as soon as possible but Wendy convinces him to try some of the room service. It's a shitty hotel in a small Colorado town so the food is very questionable but even that is a good thing, only serves to make him and Wendy have something to talk about.

"I'm surprised you even managed to get hard," Wendy jokes at one point when they're making fun of each other.

Stan feels challenged. Not actually hurt by what she's saying, even if part of him can't help but wonder if she's disguising her disapproval of his alcohol issue with a joke. So he lets himself be as charming as he was yesterday, even if he still doesn't even get where that part of him came from. Maybe it was always there, waiting to be awaken.

"I'll show you how hard I'm able to get."

Wendy laughs but something in her face seems to be challenging Stan to do just that so they finish breakfast and he goes back to her room and he fucks her again, this time managing to do a decent job now that he has more control over his movements. They have some issues but Wendy is quick to redirect him when something isn't working.

Having sex with her feels like being taught how to drive but in a sexy way. Honestly, Stan is just really bad at metaphors because it's definitely not like how it was learning to drive for him. Because his dad was the one teaching him and he essentially screamed at him the whole time and encouraged him to get drunk.

But the thing about having sex with Wendy is that she's very good at taking what she wants. And she's not shy. So she has no problem telling Stan he's doing it wrong, he needs to press harder, he's not even touching her clit. And it has been a long time. Wendy can't exactly blame him for being rusty. He doesn't usually have sex.

Most of the time he's too miserable to feel the need to. But being around her has a way of making him feel lighter, like the problems in the world can be easily ignored in favor of listening to her laugh and talking to her about anything she's passionate about. That's when her eyes glow and she starts using a lot of big words. It's very adorable.

So they keep seeing each other. He doesn't know when Wendy will be back to New Jersey but he doesn't even let himself hope she'll stay, he constantly reminds himself she will leave soon. And he's okay with that. Not like when he pretends to be because he can't handle feeling his emotions but in a very real way. He's fine with it.

It's hard to get what Wendy will want from him depending on the day. There are times she goes to Stan's house to drive him somewhere, even took him to Stark's Pond once and they acted like lovesick teenagers again. And of course, there are times where she asks if Stan's mom is home and he says no and all of a sudden she's unbuckling his belt.

It never feels like she's using him for sex or the other way around. It feels like what teenagers would call fooling around. They're having fun, that's it. Stan loves Wendy but he is able to separate that love from what they do, doesn't feel like he won't be able to breathe without her around. It's a passive sort of love, a selfless one.

He finds himself smiling more. Smiling at his phone until Kenny is teasing him for having a crush. Laughing more, too. Because it comes so naturally when he's around Wendy and so he doesn't see why he shouldn't even without her there. For the first time, he doesn't feel that familiar heavy chain weighting him down.

They end up saying I love you to each other multiple times. Probably because they got so used to saying it back when they dated that it doesn't feel wrong or presumptuous to say it now. Part of him will always love Wendy, whether they're together or not. He tells her this when they're laying in bed together and she turns to him with a raised brow.

"Stanley Marsh talking about his feelings? Should I be concerned?" she laughs like she's about to say something mean. "Are you gonna propose again?"

And Stan laughs like he just heard one of Jimmy's best jokes, laughs hard enough that by the time he's done laughing his stomach hurts and his cheeks are wet with tears. It's crazy how that memory didn't sting. That one didn't and any reminder of what lead to Kyle leaving him behind makes him want to scoop his own eyes out.

"That's my superpower," Stan smirks. "I pick the worst, most inconvenient times to do something serious like propose to someone."

"Mind you, someone you weren't even dating at the time."

"Someone who broke up with me," he emphasizes.

They both laugh. That's what separates them from him and Kyle. Stan realizes that one day, with Wendy's arms wrapped around him as she sleeps, her breath on his neck. He realizes that him and Kyle could never have this. He doesn't mean the intimacy, the sex, that's a given considering Kyle doesn't want him the way he wants him.

He means the companionship. This silent forgiveness that comes in the shape of Wendy still being able to make fun of how things ended between them. Maybe it's something born from how often things ended between them, all those times they broke up and got back together. What matters is that they bounced back. They reconciled.

What's between them isn't hate sex. It's not sex for the sake of closure or just because they have no other options. They have sex because it's fun, because it feels good and they still know each other's bodies. They're familiarized with each other in this way. It feels like they can talk about anything, laugh about everything.

Stan and Kyle can't have that.

So Stan appreciates the moments he has with Wendy. He knows she'll eventually have to put an end to it. He knows she'll be the one to do it. It's Wendy. She's always the one who wants to have the difficult conversations. And in some ways, she's still the same. She wants to have the final word. So he expects it, when she says they need to talk.

What he doesn't expect is what she says.

"I'm pregnant," Wendy announces like she's telling him it's sunny outside.

"Oh," Stan says eloquently.

He doesn't say anything. Doesn't feel anything. Tells himself that there is nothing he can feel for now. What happens next is Wendy's choice and he has to adapt to it, that's his role. She sighs.

"I'm keeping it, Stan."

"Really?" he asks, not because he's surprised but because it feels odd.

"If you don't want to be a part of this, that's fine."

He shakes his head, "No, I do. Of course I do. Wendy, I'm-"

"It's okay. You don't have to be overjoyed or anything. Not yet. I get it. It'll take some time for you to think this through, I understand."

She's very calm about the whole thing. Stan can't imagine being in the same position she is now, knowing there's life currently growing inside her. It's very weird, he decides. The idea that she's going to have a baby, that he's going to be a father, it feels like a joke for now. He can't quite understand it as a real thing yet. Maybe he just needs time.

"You can count on me," Stan promises because he needs her to know this. "I'll be here for you and we'll figure things out."

Wendy smiles at him, slightly forced but only in the sense that she doesn't seem ready to be happy about this. The smile is genuine, in a way. She seems like she's been a lot these past weeks, fond of him. Stan doesn't say anything about them getting together or her moving to South Park, he doesn't want to make any assumptions. It's her life.

"We'll figure it out," she says and of course she sounds more firm when she does so, of course her voice is easier to believe.

Stan doesn't tell Wendy that they have to get married just because she's pregnant. Unlike what other people think, he did learn from his desperate attempt to propose to her back in high school, just before she left for college. And he knows better than to think marriage could solve this. He has seen the way his parents' marriage affected himself.

Truth is, Stan is well aware that's he's becoming his father. It's why he was so surprised that Wendy wanted to sleep with him in the first place. It's why he knew it would end eventually and things would return to normal, deep down he always knew she's too good for him. And maybe he's just not good enough for anybody. Not the way he is.

That's why a part of him thinks he can't do this. He tells himself to ignore that part, to shove it away as fast as he can and not get sucked back into that loser mentality. Failing this child that wasn't even born yet, failing Wendy, is not an option here. He has to make things work or else he'll know he's really doomed. So he can't think too hard about this.

Wendy tells him she's staying in South Park for good, which almost makes him want to tell her not to do it. He'd move for her, to take care of their child if she wanted to. But she says there's nothing for her in New Jersey anymore. She has been trying to make a difference, studied political science hoping to create a better tomorrow.

Her work as a campaign manager has worn her out. And she wants to be in South Park and find something to do long term. By long term, she means she wants to make a change in this place. Stan wants to tell her she's wasting her talent here. This is South Park. Things don't change here. They never do. It stays the same, no serialization.

But that feels like underestimating Wendy and if there's anything Stan learned in his years knowing her is that there's nothing Wendy Testaburger can't do. So he encourages her to follow her ambitions, even when he finds out said ambitions involve running for mayor. There hasn't been another mayor in South Park in years. It's still McDaniels.

Stan suspects the reason she keeps winning is that no one else wants the job. He wants to tell Wendy it's a losing game, not because he thinks she can't do it but because the idea of Wendy, brilliant and talented, deciding to waste her abilities in a joke of a town like South Park makes him want to die laughing.

But if that's what she wants, he's all for it. Part of him wonders if Wendy can be mayor, if she's old enough for that. She's twenty six. But she has the qualifications. She has lived in South Park all her life and now she's back for good. She graduated with a master's degree on political science in Princeton university.

If there's anyone who can do it, it's her. As it is for many things in life. And she wants Stan to be there for her now, in her professional journey and in the life of the child they're having. And Stan would never let her raise a child that's also his alone. He's not that type of man. Even if there's a part of him that believes that maybe he should be.

It's the last thing he wants but his brain keeps telling him, as time goes on and things feel more real that he's going to mess up. That he'll ruin this kid like his dad ruined him. But he has to do this. Nothing about this is okay to him, he does not feel ready in the slightest. But there's nothing he can do to change the past. So he focuses on the future.

He tells Kenny first, once Wendy tells him it's okay to tell people. She tells Bebe. She plans to make her a godmother for the baby and Stan wants Kenny to be the godfather. If he had it his way, Marjorine would be the godmother but he knows better than to try to change Wendy's mind on something.

"Congratulations, man!" Kenny says and he hugs Stan tightly, momentarily lifts him in the air because he knows Stan hates it. "That's great. It is great, right? We're good with this?"

Stan laughs, "Yeah, it's good."

He wants to scream and curl up into a ball but he smiles like he just won the lottery. It's not that he's even unhappy about it, it's just that he's a ball of nerves. He can't stop thinking of all the ways this could go wrong. He can tell Kenny knows that he feels that way, because he pats him in the back and his eyes soften.

"Don't worry. It's normal to be nervous about it but it gets better. The important thing is to be there for Wendy, okay? She's going through a lot more than you right now."

Stan knows that.

"So you two are back together or what?"

"Not really," Stan shrugs. "We're sort of just... doing this. We're doing this together but we're not together."

"I get it."

He doesn't get it. But that's fine.

Stan thinks about what Kenny says a lot as time goes by. Wendy has moved to South Park specifically to make a difference, she planned to come here roughly a year before they have to elect a mayor once again. There's an amount of time you need to live in a place if you plan on running for office. Now he understands why she's been staying.

Part of him wonders if it'll work. He wants things to go Wendy's way and he believes she would do a good job but he can't help but think that the rednecks that make up for South Park's general population wouldn't take kindly to Wendy's politics. Not to mention she's still very young. Legally, she can be elected but it's still volatile.

He does have faith in her. And he has feelings for her, too. But he doesn't want to ruin anything by rushing into something. Wendy isn't the type of woman who would marry just for the sake of a child, she knows better than that. So he's not sure how to breach the topic with her, he's not sure if he even should.

She might think he's just desperate. That he's seeing all his friends get married and because of that, he feels pressured to do so as well. Or that maybe he thinks they should marry just because they're having a child. Stan makes sure to be by Wendy's side whenever she needs him. He wants to prove to her that he can be reliable, he can be a good partner.

So he immediately goes to the store when she's craving something. He goes to her appointments with the obstetrician, holds her hand when they do the ultrasounds. He reads about pregnancy, tries to figure out what's best to do when a baby is coming. Tolkien says he used to sing for the baby and now Angela is very attached to him.

Stan isn't sure if that's directly related but he did hear that talking to the baby even before it's born can make the child become familiar with your voice, maybe even comforted by it. He tries to give Wendy the space she needs to do her own things while simultaneously being there for their child. They're doing this together. They can make it work.

He holds her hair when she has morning sickness, rubs her feet when they start getting swollen and talks to her about anything. It helps that they don't seem to have any issues, usually see eye to eye. Wendy tells him about her day and he listens, offers advice. Sometimes they gossip together. They think about baby names.

"I don't want to know the gender," she says once when they're discussing names. "I know it sounds dumb-"

"It doesn't. It's normal, I think. A lot of people don't want to know."

She smiles, "I hoped you'd understand."

Stan doesn't. Not necessarily, at least. He doesn't get why she wants it to be a surprise but it's not some crazy concept. If that's what she wants, that's fine. It barely matters, anyway. What sex the baby is born with. He gets to enjoy correcting Wendy on it being the baby's sex and not their gender. She rolls her eyes affectionately.

This is why he thinks they can make it. They start making decisions as the baby gets closer and closer to arriving. Wendy made a lot of money when she worked as a campaign manager and so she is able to get a good house. It's South Park so it's not like it's what she deserves, Wendy deserves so much more. But eventually, Stan asks if he should move in.

He still lives with his mom. Jimbo's Guns finally became too much of a hassle to be kept running. The place got sold for a significant amount, demolished and turned into a Harbucks. They've taken over town after Tweek's parents were exposed for drugging their coffee. Stan got part of the money and his dad offered him a job at the farm.

So he's been unemployed for the past months. Wendy doesn't seem to mind. The only thing she asks of Stan is that when the time comes, he can at least quit drinking. She sees no problem with him doing it for now but she made it clear she wouldn't let him be in their child's life if he didn't stop drinking. Stan has been savoring his remaining time.

He has been telling himself that it'll be easy. Kenny quit drinking after Maxine was born. He can do this. It's no big deal. He was never actually addicted or anything. He had a drink or two after a long day's work. Sometimes during a long day's work. And he drank every weekend but, honestly, who didn't? It's perfectly fine. He can handle it.

In his attempts to understand how to be a good dad, he starts spending a lot more time with Kenny and Tolkien. Angela is very properly named, as she's an absolute angel of a baby. Polite, well-mannered, cute, she's the perfect baby. Maxine is a bit more agitated. She cries a lot, often for no reason. Stan delights in making her laugh sometimes.

As time passes, he finds himself becoming more plagued by anxiety. Wendy's pregnant stomach looks like a tickling bomb and he feels like he's about to be given too much responsibility. Responsibility he can't bear. That part of himself he hates the most, the persistent quitter part of him says he should pack up and leave.

You're just gonna fuck everything up, it says, why bother trying? You know she would do much better without you. This baby would have a much better life without you in it. Why drag the poor thing down with you?

He tells himself that it's normal for first time dads to feel this way. But he still lies awake at night staring at the ceiling. He wants, very desperately, to call Kyle. He remembers the only thing that could put his mind to rest when he was doubting himself, when his mind was giving him a hard time, was Kyle. But he doesn't have that option anymore.

He ends up spilling his guts to the last person he figured he would ever go to for understanding or support. It's not like he means to do it. He's on the phone with Shelly sharing news about his life. They do this every now and then. She'll talk about Simon, sometimes about a fight she had with Kevin. He usually doesn't talk much. This time, he does.

"What if I fuck up?"

There's a long silence. So long he starts getting mentally prepared for the harsh words she always has when it comes to him.

"God, you're such a stupid turd," Shelly says and it's just what he expected.

"Thanks, Shelly."

He's about to hang up when she sighs loudly.

"You're not gonna fuck up."

He takes a deep breath, "How do you know?"

"Because you care, okay? Look, I'm not gonna pretend that it's easy to have a kid and be a parent. Most times you don't even know what you're supposed to do, most of the time you're just running on instinct. And it's scary. But you care. You care enough to be worried about it. And that shows you're not the type of parent who would fuck up a kid. It shows you're trying. And if you're scared, that's good too. You should be. You should be fucking terrified. And I know you are. I can hear it in your voice. So you have nothing to worry about."

Stan blinks, his brain barely catching up to what he just heard.

"That's..." he trails off, unable to think of anything to say. "Thanks, Shelly. I really needed that."

"Whatever, turd. Just... you're not Randy. Remember that."

With that, she hangs up. Stan feels better after that. Lighter. Like his sister just took a huge weight off his shoulders. He becomes more confident as Wendy becomes more aggressive, she's less patient at the end of the pregnancy, stress is really getting to her and she doesn't seem to be able to cope with it as well as she was before.

Stan is with her throughout all of it. He listens to her complaining about all of it: the pain, the nausea, the smells that are bothering her, how hard it is to walk, how big she's getting. She seems to have a hard time walking as her stomach gets bigger. Stan starts to sleep in the same bed as her, to make it easier when he has to help her get up to pee.

"I can't imagine how stressful this is to you," he tells her one night before they go to sleep.

"Yeah, you really can't. It's not something you would get. But it's not like it's the end of the world. Many birthing people have to deal with it. I just wish I didn't have to pee so damn much."

"Guess the baby's crushing your bladder now, huh?" Stan tries to joke but it falls flat. "I mean, I don't know. I don't even know if that's how it works."

"It's not the baby, Stan. It's the pressure of the uterus, as well as the fact that there's more blood flowing through my bo-"

She suddenly stops talking and gives him a very weird look, her eyes wide and mouth half open in what seems to be shock.

"Look, here it is again."

Stan is alarmed by this, "What?"

He's ready to get up and help her to the bathroom again when she takes his wrist in a painful grip and puts his hand on her stomach, moving it a bit before putting it in a specific place. Stan's heart nearly stops in his chest and he suddenly goes very quiet, waiting. Then he feels it, something moving. Something kicking.

"Do you feel it?" Wendy asks, grinning ear to ear.

Stan nods wordlessly. He can feel it.

"That's... one strong baby," he whispers to himself, feeling suddenly detached from his own body.

Wendy is excited about this. She spends a few minutes holding Stan's hand in her belly, hoping the baby will do it again. Stan appreciates the warmth of her hand on his because suddenly he feels very, very cold. Wendy eventually gets tired and goes to sleep. She hardly gets any sleep these days, with how much she has to get up to pee.

Stan stares at his own hand in the dark. Remembers the way it felt, the baby's little feet kicking. He hasn't been able to feel much of anything since it happened, his entire body shut down. There's a buzzing noise in his head. He feels sweaty, he feels like he should get up and take a bath. He can't sleep. His mouth feels dry.

When he gets up it's with every intention of getting a drink. Just one shot of whiskey will do. Anything to distract him from this. From how real it all feels all of a sudden. The sense of serenity he managed to find through his conversation with his sister vanishes without a trace. He feels wrong, he feels gross. This is his child.

A real child that's about to be born. He will have to be there for this child. For fuck's sake, he will be a role model for this child. The realization has him sick in the stomach. He feels like he's about to puke. No, not again. He can't breathe. He has to. He stares at his phone, tries to think of anyone he could call. Kenny. He can call Kenny.

Kenny has called him so many times when Marjorine was pregnant with his baby, has called him to ramble about nonsense, to talk to him about death. And Stan always listened. Never judged him for it. And he knows Kenny would do the same for him if he asked. His hands are shaking, he finds the contact, he slowly puts the phone on his ear.

"I don't think I can do it," he says as soon as he hears the sound that confirms the call wasn't declined or ignored.

There's a hoarse voice on the other side, "Stan?"

Stan freezes. He only remembers this now but a couple months ago Cartman sent him Kyle's contact number. It was Valentine's day and he sent it to him with the message, "call your boyfriend, it's never too late for the cupid to make a valentine's day miracle". Stan had told him to go fuck himself but he did save the number on his phone.

As Kyle. And Kenny and Kyle are pretty much side by side. He gasps, feeling like he's about to start sobbing.

"Kyle?" he asks and no one could fit so much anguish, so much pain and so much longing in a name the way he just did.

He calls for Kyle like a child, desperate for his parents after being left behind at the mall. He calls for Kyle like a man lost at sea, nearly drowning, calling for help when he sees a boat. It's a sound that comes from some deep part inside him that couldn't be fooled into submission, that could never stop longing for Kyle. His hands are shaking.

"Stan," Kyle says, his tone betraying nothing but confusion. "Why-"

"I know you don't wanna talk to me. I know."

He takes a deep breath, sniffling pitifully like some sort of crybaby. He didn't even know he had started crying.

"But I need, I need to talk to someone," Stan shakes his head. "No, you. I need to talk to you. I need you now, Kyle. Please."

There's some noise on the other line and then Kyle's voice sounds clearer:

"Yeah, dude," he says and, fuck, Stan could cry.

He sounds the same as he always did.

"What do you need?"

"I-"

I love you, Kyle, he thinks but this isn't about that. He can't make it about that, not again. Kyle has made it clear how that makes him feel.

"I'm gonna be a dad."

Kyle doesn't say anything for a while. Stan is so afraid he'll hang up on him.

"I know, dude," he finally admits. "Kenny told me."

Stan can't help but laugh.

"Always Kenny, huh?"

"He said he didn't want-"

"You to find out from anyone else? Yeah, he does that."

Kyle laughs. It's not like he used to, for Stan. They don't quite laugh the same way. Not as in tune with each other. But that's okay. It has to be.

"I don't think I can... do it. I-I can't, Kyle. What if I mess up? What if I mess up just like-"

"Stan, listen to me. You're nothing like your dad, okay? You're not. There's a lot about you that just... infuriates me. A lot. But you're not Randy."

Stan remembers Shelly's words. Coming from Kyle, they seem both less significant because he doesn't know Randy like Shelly does and more significant because he knows Stan much more than Shelly ever could. Even now.

"And you're not..."

Kyle doesn't say anything else, like he either can't handle saying what he was about to say or can't think of anything.

"Look, dude. I said a lot of things to you that I regret saying. You're not as selfish as I made it seem. You're not... you're not a bad person, Stan," Kyle talks slowly. "You're not, okay? So don't be stupid. I wasn't lying when I said you're very self-absorbed. That's true. You are. But that doesn't mean you go around refusing to admit to any blame and, and fucking hurting everyone around you without care. You care a lot, Stan. You care too much. You're the most caring, sensitive person I know."

You're the most selfish fucking person I know.

"And I mean it in a good way," Kyle finishes.

Stan takes a deep breath. The storm in his mind quiets down. His hands are still sort of shaking but he feels more real. He doesn't feel like he's about to throw up anymore.

"Stan?" Kyle asks. "You goo-"

He hangs up. He stares at his phone for a while, feeling lighter. There's a strange sort of relief going through him. He texts Kyle. Nothing too exaggerated. He just wants to let him know it's alright, that he has no reason to worry about Stan anymore. He texts him a simple "thank you". Kyle doesn't text back. But Stan knows he saw the message.

That's enough for him.

Wendy insists on a C-section and Stan is a cisgender man with no right to tell her what to do in a situation like this. And so he ends up being allowed in the room when they deliver the baby, which is a whole experience in it of itself. He has no idea how to describe it in case anyone asks. When he leaves the room and sees Kenny all he can do is stare.

"Dude," Kenny holds him by the shoulders. "Rip the band-aid already. Come on! The suspense is killing me."

It takes an embarrassingly long amount of time for him to realize Kenny is essentially asking about the baby's sex and he just looks at him for a moment, dumbfounded by what he just saw. His mouth opens to form the words and he sees Marjorine come up next to Kenny, bouncing excitedly. He falters for a moment, almost panics.

"Boy," he finally manages.

Marjorine cheers, jumping up and down and clapping. Kenny smiles but seems momentarily upset.

"I was so sure it was gonna be a girl."

"Kenny, you didn't bet on my baby's gender with anyone, did you?"

"We did a poll. Bebe, Nichole, Clyde and I all bet it was gonna be another girl. Marj and your dad voted boy."

Stan scoffs, "My dad was in on this?"

"I owe him fifty bucks."

Marjorine kisses Kenny's cheek, her arms coming to hug him from behind.

"You owe me fifty dollars too," she reminds him. "You better give me my fucking money, mister."

Kenny groans excessively, puts his head on his hands. Stan would be more upset about this if it weren't so funny. He wonders how his dad keeps winning so many bets involving babies' genders. As soon as Wendy wakes up from the surgery, she asks about their baby. She got to see him during the procedure but with how loopy she was from the anesthesia, it makes sense she can barely recall that.

Stan has already seen his son twice, when he was born and when the nurse showed him to him after the surgery, in the nursery. Wendy looks at him similarly to how she did when she first saw him, her eyes wide and full of glee. Stan can't keep his eyes off him either. That's his son. His baby. It's a tiny human being with eyes blue like his.

Wendy holds him gently and carefully, making sure to support his head and doing everything right. Stan can only stare, his hands sweating as he fears she'll ask him to hold him and he'll mess up somehow. The baby struggles to keep his eyes open, seems ready to go to sleep. He's very quiet. Stan wonders if that'll last.

"We really should've thought of a name sooner," he says, attempting to bring up the subject naturally.

Wendy looks up at him, "Well, do you have any ideas?"

"I don't know. I've never been really good with names."

Wendy looks at their son again, her brow furrowed as she seems to be thinking about what name to give him.

"How about Andrew?" Stan asks.

"Hmm," Wendy considers it. "Why Andrew?"

"We could call him Andy for short. And it's cute, right? Wendy, Andy."

Wendy smiles at that. The sort of smile that makes Stan feel like he could do anything, just because he could get her to smile like that for him. He can't help but smile back at her, gets close enough to kiss her forehead quickly. Now that their son is here, he feels like they're a family. It doesn't matter if Wendy wants him like that or not, he'll take anything.

"It is cute, Stan. You are good with names, actually."

They name him Andrew Marsh Testaburger because Wendy claims that Testaburger Marsh sounds weird. When Stan holds him for the very first time, he feels a tug on his chest. There's this tiny, fragile thing that he's responsible for now. Somehow this both terrifies and comforts him. Part of him thinks their son could be ruined simply by being his.

Another part of him reminds him that he's also Wendy's. And that just might be enough to save him from Stan's fate. He hopes so. He hopes whatever's wrong with him isn't genetic. He doesn't even know what he means by that. Is it his depression? How stubborn he is? How selfish he is? Is it the alcoholism? He just hopes it never passes on.

Life goes on so naturally that Stan hardly even notices when him and Wendy come to a silent agreement. More like Wendy makes a decision. Stan doesn't realize they're together for a long time, even as she makes it as obvious as she can without discussing it. It's a testament to how natural it feels, to be with Wendy.

It's a gradual process. She kisses him on the lips once when she finds him on their son's room, rocking him in hopes that he finally stops screaming and sleeps. They start holding hands whenever they go out, Wendy making the first move to make him understand that's okay to do. It happens almost immediately after Andrew is born.

It's surprisingly easy to give up alcohol. Surprising because Stan could barely imagine his life without alcohol before and now that his son was born, he has no time to even think about drinking, much less crave it. He starts drinking a lot more coffee than usual, though he attributes that to the sleepless nights more than to missing alcohol.

Becoming a parent is hard. It's the wake up call he needed but it's definitely hard. They get by thanks to all the money Wendy made as a campaign manager, continues to make because she barely waits for their son to be three months old to get back to work. It's one of the things about Wendy he admires the most, her fierce dedication.

It's election year and Stan spends most of his time jokingly telling his friends to vote for his girlfriend or else he'll beat them up. He's too caught up on Andrew to really notice much about Wendy's campaign, though he does try to help when there's something he can do. He firmly believes Wendy will be the change a place like South Park needs.

"For a town that got used to Mayor McDaniels, you're gonna blow their minds when they realize they can have a mayor that actually cares about shit," he tells Wendy whenever she expresses concern over the results of the election.

Stan knows she has nothing to worry about. The only people willing to actually attempt to run for mayor are ignorant rednecks who barely know anything about politics and only talk about guns and their second amendment right and other idiots who think they stand a chance because it's South Park and they'd take anything.

Wendy is by far the best candidate. Not only is she the only one with an actual campaign strategy but she also is the only one to genuinely care for the issues plaguing their community. Anyone who bothered to watch any debates would understand she's the best option. So Stan isn't worried in the slightest, he focuses on watching over Andrew.

"His eyes are exactly like yours at your age, it's kinda creepy," his dad says one afternoon when Stan agrees to go visit him, only so he'll shut up about how Stan never lets him see his grandson.

"Well, let's hope he takes after Wendy in every other way."

He carefully takes Andrew from his dad and gives him his bottle, watching fondly as he drinks like a starving child. They had to switch to formula since Wendy had some trouble breastfeeding. It's a weird scene, he thinks, standing there in front of his dad feeding his own son. He's not even thirty yet and he has a son, who would have guessed?

"Stan," Randy starts, looking mildly thoughtful.

Stan braces himself for the worst.

"Yeah?"

"You're not me," he states, like it's a fact. "You know that, right?"

Stan is surprised by this. He stares at his dad in an attempt to make sense of what he's saying. His tone is so casual, it doesn't tell him anything about how he feels. Is he relieved? Is he angry? Does it bother him that Stan is a better father than him already? Stan doesn't know. He chooses to assume it's a good thing. People are always telling him this.

You're not Randy. You're nothing like your dad.

As he looks at his son, still so small and so fragile, he hopes it's true. But there's a very anguished part of him that can't help but think what if you are like him? What if you turn out exactly like him? He doesn't know if he could handle it. His son looking at him the way he knows he looks at his dad. Even if he doesn't exactly hate the guy.

Wendy wins by a landslide. They go out and celebrate with their friends, Kenny and Marjorine, their little girl. Tolkien, Nichole and their daughter, Bebe and Clyde. Randy actually pulls out the fireworks, takes it as an opportunity to get drunk as he does with nearly everything. Stan takes it as an opportunity to love his girlfriend.

Wendy worked so hard for his and to see her get it is very satisfying. They get some messages of support from people away from South Park. The lucky bastards. Jimmy jokes about it in his special, gives Wendy a shout out. Cartman messages her "boo Wendy Testaburger, boo". Even Kyle reaches out to congratulate her.

It makes Stan feel slightly bitter because Kyle never cared much for Wendy, didn't like or dislike her in their years studying together but he's still more willing to text her than him. But all in all, it's a great day. It helps that their son actually sleeps the whole night and Wendy isn't tired enough that she's not up for some fun.

She laughs when Stan attempts to call her Mayor Testaburger during sex but he can tell she's secretly into it. Stan honestly feels like they could do anything, the two of them. There's still a significant hole in his heart that will never be filled as long as Kyle refuses to acknowledge him but he can at least find other things that make him whole.

As expected, Wendy makes great money as mayor. So great that they don't need to worry about anything. Stan doesn't have to get a job, Wendy herself tells him there's no need for it even as he's been living only off the money he got from his uncle selling the store and from her money. Wendy doesn't hold it against him.

"You're basically my housewife now," she explains, all smug.

"Well, you picked a terrible housewife. I can't even cook."

"You'll learn," she decides.

He loves Wendy when she's like this. For the longest time he didn't know how to act when she started going off with her own plans, never understood the things she wanted to do and why some of them mattered so much. But he finds that he really loves her like this. All confident and happy and, yes, commanding. It's refreshing to be with a woman who makes what she wants very clear.

Stan has always found it easy to go along with other people's ideas even if he had his own most of the time. Usually it was Kyle he followed like a loyal lapdog but Wendy was a close second, with him usually misinterpreting what she wanted and awkwardly standing in her way without noticing. Now he feels like he could do anything she asked.

For the record, it's not just a sex thing. But she does look very sexy in her new pantsuit, getting ready to be the best mayor South Park has ever seen. Which, in hindsight, isn't really that challenging. He kisses her right before she leaves, contemplates that this is his life now. She works and he takes care of their son.

Being on the house alone, with nothing to do makes Stan feel a little off. So he goes to his mom's house for the day and vows to leave knowing at least the basics when it comes to cooking. His mom is delighted to see him and even more delighted to know he wants to figure out how to cook, she always hated how he never learned to. For himself.

"He looks so much like you, Stan," his mom says as she makes funny faces at Andrew, while Stan is trying to figure out how their stove works. "He's your spitting image, you looked exactly like him when you were a baby."

"I know, dad says the same thing."

She laughs and shakes her head, "I'm surprised he remembers what you looked like."

This becomes a part of the routine. The weekdays when Wendy is working at the City Hall, because his girlfriend is mayor and has her own office now, he goes to his mom's house and she'll help him cook and look after Andy. Every now and then Stan tries some things, nothing too adventurous but he manages to make something edible.

"It's definitely better than your last attempt," Wendy says when she tries his food. "It's getting better, really."

Stan is frustrated by this, it's hard for him to do something and not be just immediately great at it. Not that he's used to being great at everything, on the contrary, he's not. So when that happens, when he tries something and doesn't do good, it takes a lot of willpower to prevent him from giving up.

When he finally does manage to find something he can cook well, he takes advantage of that. He asks his mom to take care of Andy for the time being and he makes spaghetti with meatballs. A cliche, sure, but a classic nonetheless. He surprises Wendy with it at night, after going out of his way to light candles and getting them some wine.

He's never been a fan of red wine, which only makes it better. He knows that's the only type of alcohol that won't make him want to go back to drinking every day. It will most definitely make him drunk, though. Embarrassingly fast. He knows that. He hopes it at least comes off as romantic, this particular wine choice.

"What's all this?" Wendy asks when she gets home.

"It's for you," he explains. "I mean, we haven't had the chance to have a proper date in so long. I thought maybe you'd like it."

Wendy smiles, kissing his nose affectionately. He loves it when she does that but it always makes him blush.

"I love it, Stan. What about Andy?"

He waves his hand, "He's with my mom, he's in good hands."

It would be a different issue if he had been left with Stan's dad, of course. As it is, they get to enjoy their night. Wendy is pleasantly surprised that he got so good at cooking, unaware of the fact that it's really just spaghetti he can cook well and everything else he knows how to cook decently at best. Stan kisses her hand, tries to get them in the mood.

"Are you trying to get laid tonight, Stanley Marsh?"

"Maybe," he jokes. "Could you blame me for that? I mean, we barely see each other these days."

"This is good. We should do this more often. Work and Andrew makes me feel like we're married and we only started dating again six months ago."

Stan has an idea.

"What if we did get married?"

Wendy stares at his wine glass, "How much did you drink?"

"Barely anything, I swear!" Stan laughs. "I mean it. What if we get married? You're the woman I love, Wendy. I've always loved you."

It feels wrong to tell her that somehow. Even though he knows it's true. He does love Wendy, always loved her. And they have a son together. They don't need to get married just for that, of course. But being with her feels so natural. Stan feels like he can actually accomplish things by her side. Being hers is the best thing he's ever been.

And he'd like to be hers forever.

"You've done so much for me. And it has me thinking that all I wanna do is spend the rest of my life repaying you for that. Making you happy. Because when I'm with you, it's so... easy, you know? It comes effortlessly. Being happy around you and loving you. It's just natural. I don't think I ever want to be away from you again."

"You mean that?" she asks, looking like he has her heart in the palm of his hand.

It's unusual to see her so vulnerable. He likes it because it shows how much she cares. Wendy can be abrasive without meaning to sometimes but Stan knows how sensitive she is, has witnessed firsthand how caring and loving she can be. He never should have taken that for granted and he wants nothing more than to hold her now. Make her happy.

"Yeah, dude," he says, feeling like his face is about to melt from how hot it feels. "I mean it. So will you... will you marry me?"

Wendy stares for a moment, seemingly trying to think. It doesn't take long, Stan's heart is about to jump out of his chest when she nods firmly, her face set in a determinated smile.

"Yes. I'll marry you."

They go out to buy the rings and make it official the next day. All of their friends are happy for them, Stan's parents are so genuinely proud of him, which is something he never thought he'd get. He feels on top of the world, like he could do anything. He's satisfied with his life for the first time in a long time. He can only hope it lasts forever.

Wendy is very touchy with him the next days after their engagement. She kisses him like it's the last time they'll see each other every time she has to leave for work. Stan kisses back just as hungrily and if he's lucky, sometimes they get to make love if she didn't have a hard day. Even Andy becomes easier to take care of, like the entire world is on his side.

"Say bye to mommy," Stan says, even though Andy is a very quiet baby and doesn't usually babble. "Bye, mommy."

This time, he does at least attempt to say something. Stan is shocked by this, his son is babbling unintelligibly and he feels like he just heard the best symphony in the world.

"Did you hear that?"

Wendy nods excitedly, "He tried to talk! Oh my god, Stan. You can't let him have his first word when I'm at work. Promise me you won't let him say his first word away from me."

Stan laughs because it's an entirely impossible promise to make but he promises her anyway. He starts getting used to spending his days with Andy. Brings him with him to the market, to his mom's house, sometimes even to his dad's farm. He visits Kenny, Maxine plays with Andy and he enjoys his time more than he expected.

That is, until Andy starts becoming a nightmare of a child. Stan doesn't understand why or how but it's like some sort of switch has been flipped and now his son is behaving like a demon. He starts throwing tantrums, which is something he usually didn't do. Anything can make him start wailing. And the worst part? It stops whenever Wendy's at home.

It becomes very awkward very quickly, he tries telling Wendy that Andrew has been crying nonstop but whenever she gets home, he suddenly behaves like an angel. There's obviously something bothering him, Stan knows that much. But he doesn't know what. He doesn't seem to be sick but he's acting so irritably. It starts getting to him.

Most of his days are spent trying to get Andy to calm down. He rocks him, tries walking around the house with him, tries playing with him, makes funny faces and nothing seems to change his bad mood. It's only when Andy starts obsessively chewing on a blanket he's gotten attached to lately that Stan realizes he's teething.

Knowing what's wrong doesn't do much to change things. His son needs his attention all the time now and on top of everything, Wendy has decided it's time for them to move somewhere bigger. He gets why she wants that, it's a good house, she can afford it and it's a great option. But their old place was way easier to keep in good condition.

The stress of moving is something else that gets to him. The fact that Wendy barely asked for his input about any of this has him upset. He doesn't feel like it's his right to complain, though. After all, it is her money. But he finds himself intimidated by the size of their house. The place is big. Three floors. Five bedrooms. A pool.

Before Wendy, he just left everything laying around wherever he felt like but being with her has made him ashamed of the part of him that procrastinates. That can't help but find every little chore to be unbearably hard to do. So he takes care of their son and he cleans the house enough that no one would think a depressed person lives here.

It's especially important to keep the house clean and in good condition when Wendy has a reputation to uphold, she's the mayor. And that's the moment Stan realizes he's engaged to the mayor of South Park. Wendy is the ultimate authority in this town and he's just staying at home, barely cleaning, cooking mediocre food and being their son's punching bag.

Because apparently one thing they haven't taught him about teething is how it turns children into monsters. His son has not only been screaming all day and giving him a hard time for everything, feeding, bath time, naptime, every single moment. He's also been hitting Stan. Pulling his hair. Smacking him with his little hands.

This is what finally breaks him. Having to spend his day with a violent toddler as he cleans a house that's three times bigger than their last house, it drives Stan insane. He finds that he needs to do something. He needs to go out. He needs to work. He wasn't meant to be in the house all day, it doesn't work for him. So he tells Wendy he's going to get a job.

He calls his mom to ask if she'd be okay with taking care of Andrew for the afternoon so he can work. He needs to actually do something, can't depend on Wendy for everything because he got lucky enough to put a child in her. He feels like he's a burden, like he does nothing at home. The food he makes is horrible, the house never looks clean.

That's how he finds himself in a routine he believes is working out fine. He gets up early and makes breakfast and takes Andrew to his mom's house. For the time he's there, he works at the Harbucks that replaced his uncle's gun store. He works as a barista. It's not even close to a well paying job but it brings some money in. And it's a job.

It's something to do. He can go through the motions. He's good at that. Wake up early, make breakfast, take Andrew to his mom's, go to work, make people's lattes, pick up Andrew from his mom's place, get home, make dinner or order takeout depending on his mood, do the dishes, rush through every chore that needs to be done, sleep. Repeat.

Wendy doesn't talk to him much and they definitely don't have sex. She gets home from work too tired to even think and usually spends most of her time rambling about work and playing with Andy. He's always happy to have his mom's attention, clings to her leg to stop her from leaving. Stan is so pathetic he actually feels betrayed by that.

He finds himself becoming like those housewives on TV shows that go "did you have a good day at work, honey?". Wendy kisses his cheek in the morning as a thank you for making breakfast. If he's lucky, she might give him a kiss goodnight too. Stan starts carrying around a flask and he drinks whenever he feels himself becoming static.

He has told himself he didn't need it anymore. Had even believed it at one point. But it's not true. He does need it. He needs it because he can feel himself being pulled back into that same old melancholy, the nihilism, the sense that nothing he does makes any difference and it's all bullshit. He can't feel like that. He just can't. So he drinks until he doesn't.

He drinks whenever things become too dull, whenever going through the motions makes him feel particularly empty. Takes small breaks in the middle of work to drink, drinks when Wendy doesn't even kiss him before going to sleep, chugs the damn thing whenever he's reminded that Kyle won't go to his fucking wedding.

Through all of this, he does his best not to make it obvious to his son that there's something wrong. He's far too young to understand but Stan would hate himself even more than he already does if he knew the things that go through his head. So he doesn't drink and drive. He doesn't get too drunk to stand. He only drinks enough to make things bearable.

He especially doesn't get into fights. No matter how much he wishes he could just snap at Wendy when she mentions for the fourth time that work is stressful to her and he doesn't get it. He plays with his son all the time, tries to listen to his nonsensical babbling as much as he can. Encourages him to talk. To walk, to do anything new. Anything exciting.

When something finally does happen, it's probably the best thing that happened to Stan in months. His son is just playing, Stan is watching over him and occasionally joining in on his silly nonsensical little game. Wendy is working. She gets home later and later every day, becomes more and more consumed by work.

Andy is pressing buttons on a toy that gives you noises that animals make. Stan has bought it for him in hopes that he'd start mimicking the animal's sounds and maybe say something. He's not expecting it, when Andy presses the cow and the toy goes moo and his son tries getting his attention. He's lost in thought for a second and that's when Andy calls:

"Dada!"

And Stan's eyes go wide. His son just said his first word. His very first word. And it was dada. It was directed at him. He's so overjoyed by this that he takes Andy in his arms and jumps with him, his son squealing in delight and laughing. If this had happened about two months ago, he'd be screaming and kicking Stan.

"What happened?" Wendy says when she gets inside and the first thing she sees is Stan jumping like an idiot with their son on his arms.

"Andy just said his first word."

Her eyes go wide but her mouth stays in a thin line. And somehow, it turns into a whole argument. Stan thought she was joking when she made him promise to stop their son from saying his first word without her there to hear it, now he sees that she was absolutely serious. So Wendy loses it. She doesn't scream but she looks at Stan like he's an idiot.

As soon as he puts his son in bed, he goes downstairs and it starts again. Stan knows Wendy isn't actually angry at him, she's probably just tired. She works too much, barely has time at home with their son and it's getting to her. The stress, the pain, everything. He can tell. But he's not going to be her punching bag. He's tired too. He's allowed to be.

And he tells her that.

"Well, you don't need to work, do you, Stan? How much do you even make? I never asked you to work. You didn't have to. But you felt so emasculated because your fiancée makes more than you that you just couldn't handle staying at home and doing the bare minimum, could you?"

"Cleaning this giant house you got us? Taking care of our son all day? That's what you think is the bare minimum?" Stan demands, trying his best not to raise his voice. "And you know it's got nothing to do with being emasculated or whatever, you're just being a bitch."

Wendy smiles bitterly, "Oh, I'm being a bitch? What an amazing way to prove you're not sexist, Stanley. Sure, call the mother of your son a bitch."

"You know I didn't mean it like that," he says, rolling his eyes. "Be serious."

"God, you didn't change at all. You're still the same stubborn asshole, still the same douchebag who always thinks he's too good for this shit."

How she could possibly think he thinks he's too good for something is beyond him, Stan doesn't even know what to say to that.

"Whatever, Wendy," it's what he settles on. "Look, I don't wanna fight. Sorry you didn't get to hear Andy's first word. But you can't blame me for that. I got nothing to do with that and I'm going to bed."

"That's not-"

And she seems to realize that that was indeed what this was about, what they were fighting about. She sighs, looking much older than she actually is. When she looks at Stan again, she's calmer, a little less agitated. She goes up to him and hugs him, meaning the fight is over and they're about to make up. Stan is too tired even for that, he just wants to go to bed. But he hugs her back, tightly.

"I'm sorry," Wendy says. "I'm acting crazy, I know. There's no reason to be mad at you for something totally outside of your control."

Stan nods, "Sorry for calling you a bitch."

"You're forgiven. Let's just," she pulls away and gives him a peck on his lips. "Let's just go to sleep. We both had a long day. We just need some rest."

It's telling that he doesn't even think about sex anymore when they go to bed together. Things are just moving so quickly, they go from fighting to doing okay to acting like they're roommates rather than two people who are literally about to get married. Stan feels glued to the routine, unable to stop going through the same motions.

Reality feels far away. He doesn't even feel like he's inside his own body as he works, as he cooks breakfast, as he drives, as he plays with his son. Nothing manages to pull him away. He keeps drinking. Never too much. Never enough to be noticeable. One day he takes Andy to play with Kenny and Marjorine's baby and he's confronted.

"You've been drinking again, haven't you?" Kenny asks, casually enough that Stan barely manages to understand the question.

He wants to lie but his brain tells him, as it usually does about everything, what's the point?

"Yeah."

"Figures," Kenny says sadly. "You just have this... aura around you whenever you drink. You always look faded."

Stan doesn't know what that means but he doesn't even care enough to ask him to elaborate. That's the worst feeling in the world to him, feeling like nothing even matters. He hates it. Can't stand to live with it. That's why he starts drinking a little more, just enough to get him excited about random things again. He needs to feel a little alive.

He's still careful. If Wendy finds out about this, he's dead. If his mom finds out, she'll be devastated. If his son, who barely understands anything about the world, somehow gets it, he might have to kill himself. He's not about to become Randy in Andy's life. Ha. Wendy, Randy, Andy. He hadn't noticed that before. That's fun.

He laughs hysterically, making Wendy look at him weird. They're at the dinner table. Stan wanted to put his hand on the hot stove just to feel something earlier, so he had a little more whiskey. Just enough to be able to laugh about random things. Wendy gives him a suspicious look all throughout dinner and he pointedly ignores it.

Before he goes to bed, he goes up to her and kisses the top of her head. When he pulls away, she looks so pissed it's actually sort of funny.

"What?" he asks, grinning stupidly.

"Are you drunk?"

"Pfft, no. You're drunk."

She's not impressed. She never is.

"Stan," she says and that voice means he's in trouble. "I'm being serious. If you're drinking again-"

"God, you are such a buzz kill," he groans, still laughing a bit. "You never let me do anything, it's just nag, nag, nag."

He laughs again, a little louder. Wendy's not laughing. It takes him a while but he soon realizes she's crying. Then he remembers what he just said to her and he distinctly remembers his dad saying the exact same thing at one point. To his mom. Something about how boring she was, how she never let him have fun. And now Wendy's crying because of him.

"Hey, no," he tries to hug her but she pushes him away. "No, no, I didn't- didn't mean to."

He feels sick, watching her cry like this knowing he's responsible for this. He feels like he's going to throw up. He tries to put his hand on her shoulder, she pulls away. He remembers something she told him before Andy was born, about how she wouldn't let him near their son if he didn't stop drinking. His eyes go wide.

"No, please," he begs. "D-Don't cry, Wendy. Don't cry, fuck, I'm so sorry."

"Stan-"

He shakes his head, "I'm sorry, please. I'm sorry I fucked up."

That's when he starts crying. How pathetic, he thinks even as he starts sobbing. Stan feels how wet his cheeks are, he realizes distantly that his shoulders are shaking and he's saying something, babbling nonsense as he cries like a child. Someone shushes him. He cries even more, clings to something warm and solid.

When he realizes what's happening he's in Wendy's lap, crying on her shoulder and sobbing like a toddler. He's probably getting snot all over her. God, he's a mess. He hates this. He hates himself so much. Why can't he just be happy? Why does he have to mess everything up all the time? Why is he like this?

"Sorry, sorry, m' sorry," Stan repeats, hoping she will understand.

Wendy always understands.

"You have to stop, Stan. Promise me you'll stop. We can't do this if you're lying to me, going behind my back."

"It won't happen again," he promises and he can taste the lie on his lips and Wendy gives him a pitying look.

She looks like she doesn't believe him. Like she knows he's lying but she's just humoring him. Stan pulls himself together, wipes his tears away and promises her with his hands together that he will never do this again. He will never put them in this situation again. Wendy smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. She looks defeated, tired.

Stan would do anything to make her go back to being her vicious, determined self again. But all he can do is lie. So he lies. Again and again until he starts actually convincing himself he's not lying. And Wendy nods like she believes it, too. Even though they both know she doesn't. And now they're both liars. The two of them. Like it's meant to be.

They have a small ceremony, neither of them are particularly religious. Only their closest friends are invited. Stan's parents. Wendy's parents. They both don't have large families. It's just their mutual friends, Wendy's parents, Randy and Stephen, Sharon, Shelly and Kevin with their son and now their daughter, Kenny is Stan's best man, Bebe is Wendy's maid of honor.

Andy is their flower boy, he's one year old and he can actually walk down the aisle with some help. Not that they have an aisle, it's not a religious wedding. Wendy's dress is what they call a camisole wedding dress, probably because it looks like something you could wear to go to sleep. She looks beautiful in it. She always does.

It's not a religious wedding but Father Maxi still has a license and serves as a marriage officiant so he's the one who has them married. They request that he doesn't say any bible verses or make any long speeches about love and God or whatever. He still ends up talking about love, what it means. Stan doesn't get a lot from his speech.

Mostly because he's drunk. He's piss poor drunk. Drunk enough that he can hardly stand up. Drunk enough that Wendy has to put her arm around him to make sure he doesn't fall over. She's furious with him. Not even for not fulfilling the promise he made to her, they both knew that wasn't going to work.

For not even having the decency to look sober. She can tell he's drunk, all his friends and family can tell he's drunk and they're probably going to remember him like this for the rest of their lives. He had texted Kyle asking him to be his best man, begging him to be his best man. Then he called. Kyle didn't answer. So he sent a voice message.

That was not the best idea. He had said too much. He hadn't said enough. Stan is drunk because he had to drink to get the courage to call Kyle. Because he needed to let him know how much of a horrible friend he is. So he sent him a voice message. Told him it was the best day of his life and Kyle wasn't even there. Told him he hated him, told Kyle he's the most selfish person he knows.

And he can never admit to being wrong, never, so it's impossible to be around him. He's fucking disloyal and an asshole, he's unreliable and he wouldn't care if Stan dropped dead today. He only cares about himself. He hates Stan. He wants Stan dead. He's doesn't love Stan, he doesn't love him at all. But that's okay, he had said, I don't need you.

Father Maxi asks him if he takes Wendy as his lawfully wedded wife, to live together in matrimony, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?

Stan blinks wearily and nods once, "I do."

He had sent Kyle another voice message only a minute later, regretting everything he said. Telling him it's not him, it's Stan. Stan is just broken, he's just messed up and all he does is fuck up. And he's glad Kyle doesn't care about him anymore, he's happy Kyle got away from him and found someone who can love him how he deserves. Who can love you like I can't.

Father Maxi asks Wendy if she takes Stan as her lawfully wedded husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, and to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?

Wendy grits her teeth and smiles forcefully, nods, "I do."

Stan is too drunk to keep up with what's being said, keeps staring at Father Maxi's shoes with a vacant expression until he's done talking. Wendy pulls him in front of her, someone gets them the rings, Stan has a hard time focusing. His hands shake as he puts the ring on Wendy's finger. She puts the ring into his finger almost painfully, vindictively.

The lights are too bright, the world is too loud. Stan is sure he looks miserable, on the outside and on the inside. He's sure if someone were to take a scalpel to his brain and cut a piece of it out, it'd be gray, hollow and smelling like rotten melons. Wendy looks at him, he tries to smile in time for her not to catch the misery in his face but it's too late.

She stops smiling just as he manages to give her an empty grin.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Notes:

Wondering if I should tag this It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better. Let me know if there's any other tags you think I should add.

Chapter 5: Cartman and Yentl

Notes:

Sorry for how long this took, it just kept getting longer and longer and I had no clue what it was turning into half the time.

Hope you guys enjoy it though <3

One of the pinnacles of Wendy's career comes in the form of the former mayor Mary McDaniels inviting Wendy to have dinner at her house, to congratulate her for the amazing job she's done so far. It's going to be a celebration of the lower rate of crime in South Park happening as a direct result of Wendy's policies. Surely something to celebrate.

It's proof that Wendy's efficient in ways that Stan hadn't even expected to work on a place like South Park and it's one of the most exciting things to happen in her life. That is, because she gets to have dinner with a woman she admires more than anyone else in this town. Not their former mayor, of course. Her wife, former Principal Victoria.

Stan knows Wendy wants to cause a good impression because three days before the dinner, she politely and firmly asked that Stan doesn't drink for the entirety of the night and the twelve hours of daylight before. Just to be sure. Stan promised her he wouldn't have a sip of alcohol. She gave him a stern look. A look that means "your promises mean nothing to me".

There's a framed picture in their living room of their wedding day. Stan looks visibly drunk, his eyes half lidded, his smile goofy and stupid and he's not even looking at the camera. Wendy looks like she's only smiling to be polite, her smile strained as she stares straight at the camera and seems to be trying to ignore Stan's arm around her.

Every now and then, Stan forces himself to look at the picture only so he can feel bad about himself. Because it's what he deserves. It's what he deserves for doing this to her, for putting them in this situation and being powerless, unable to get them out. He hasn't managed to stop drinking, no matter how hard he tried. He can only stop temporarily.

It's a neverending circle of hell. He'll tell himself he can get clean, will get clean, he'll stop drinking and fix everything. It works for a moment, maybe even a couple of weeks. But eventually, he breaks. A comment from Wendy or something his dad says that sounds like it could have come straight out of his own mouth.

He finds that when you're... sick, he can't even bring himself to say the word, anything and everything is am excuse to get drunk. I've had a long day, I deserve a drink. I feel like shit, I need a drink. I'm happy for once, I should celebrate and make this last by getting a drink. Sometimes he wishes he would die. That's also a good excuse for a drink.

If there's one thing he hasn't been able to understand is why Wendy stayed. He knows her enough to know she's not the type of person who would let someone else ruin her life like that. She chose not to let him ruin her life once, when she walked away from him. When she went to college and chose herself and he understood why she had to do that.

For her to stay with him now feels so wrong. Like he manipulated her into staying somehow, unbeknownst to even himself. Is that something you can do? Manipulate someone without being aware you're doing it? If so, he's even more of a piece of shit than he thought he was. He has a sinking feeling in his chest that tells him that's true.

The one consistently good thing in his life has been his son. No matter how hard of a day he had, Stan can't help but smile every time he sees him. Andy is almost two now, he's starting to try to form full sentences. It's weird, watching such a tiny thing talk. Feels like he's impersonating an adult. Stan loves him so much, he would die for him.

He loves Wendy too. He does. Sometimes it scares him that she might think he doesn't even love her. But he does and that's what makes it so hard. He wouldn't be beating himself up so much if the people he was hurting by being the piece of garbage he is were people he didn't love. But he loves his mom and he loves Wendy, he loves his son.

And he's losing them. He's disappointing them. One by one, they're losing faith in him. Wendy looks at him like he's a mess she has to clean, like one would look at glass all over the kitchen floor after breaking a wine bottle. Her eyes say she hates him, she loves him, she loathes him, she sees him as a burden. He sees himself that way as well.

Kyle didn't answer any of his texts, any of his voice messages. Stan tells himself every time he remembers the dreadful embarrassment of that whole situation that this is a good thing. It has to be. Maybe Kyle didn't even listen to his voice messages. Maybe he knew Stan sent them while drunk, that it was a mistake and he spared them the headache.

He tells himself that until he's convinced that it's what happened. Kyle didn't hear any of the embarrassing crap he said, he didn't. In fact, that didn't even happen. It was a dream Stan had the night before he got married, yeah. That's all it was. He's becoming exceptionally good at lying to himself. Really, he should get an award.

They drop their son off at Stan's mom's house and Wendy spends the time they have in the car preparing him for how the evening will be. Basically, he's not to say anything self-deprecating or make any jokes that alude to his... alcohol issue. It's something she's consistently bothered by, as she doesn't think this is a joking matter.

She doesn't want to look bad in front of Principal Victoria. It's clear to Stan that the woman is someone Wendy admires a lot and even though he barely as any memories with her, he still looks back fondly on the time she was their school's principal. He respects her. So he tells himself not to ruin this for Wendy like he's ruined so many things already.

Dinner is an awkward affair. Stan is not very good at talking to people he barely knows and so he lets Wendy do the talking, mostly keeps to himself. The food is good and it's almost enough to make him forget how much he's craving a glass of whiskey now. He didn't drink yesterday and it feels like something is trying to crawl out of his skin.

He gets caught up in his own head for a moment until Mayor McDaniels, that is former mayor Mary McDaniels, calls his attention.

"And you, Marsh?" she says, like she's repeating a previously asked question. "Want some?"

She's shaking a bottle of wine in his general direction. Stan is momentarily blinded by it, the bottle is all he can see. His eyes shine as he frantically nods, his mouth half open and feeling dry. In the corner of his vision, he can see Wendy give him a glare, before looking back at her own plate and focusing on eating like she needs to be distracted from him.

McDaniels serves him a glass of wine and he nods at her in a silent thank you, politely refraining from downing the glass as desperately as he feels right now. Principal Victoria is eagerly telling Wendy about how proud she is of her new policies, as her wife very obviously stops herself from butting in to claim she was a better mayor.

She makes eye contact with Stan at one point and gives him a frightfully knowing look, like she can see right through him. Principal Victoria also shoots him an unreadable look at one point, her gaze making him feel like a child again. She smiles at him the way people often do when they watched the other person grow. It's intimidating.

"And what do you do, Stanley?" she asks, taking interest in him for the first time that night.

"Uh, mostly I just stay home. Take care of uh, Andrew. Our son. Also, um, I sort of work at that Harbucks they built. Y'know, where Jimbo's Guns used to be."

He takes a sip from the wine, trying his hardest not to drink too fast and lose the comforting weight of a glass of alcohol in his hand.

"That's great," Principal Victoria says.

No matter how long it's been since she lost that title, Stan will never be able to look at her and not immediately think of her as Principal Victoria.

"I keep telling him he should go to college. Do something he's passionate about," Wendy says, her tone light and fun even though there's a drop of bitterness in there. "It's never too late."

"That's true. It's never too late to have ambitions. And if things don't work out, you can always find something else you'd like to do. Your dad did that, right? I think he's changed career paths so many times, it's gotten hard to keep up with him."

Ex-Mayor McDaniels laughs at that, "You do look a lot like him."

Stan can't help it, he reaches for his glass and drinks a bit more. Tries to stop after a sip but can't stop himself from finishing his glass at the mere mention of his dad.

"Wha- I mean, you think so?"

Wendy seems concerned about this.

"Not really, I don't think so. Maybe just the hair but Stan looks a lot like his mom."

"Are you kidding?" McDaniels laughs. "He's the spitting image of his father. All he needs is a mustache to be Randy."

The spitting image of his father. Stan is reminded of the clear disappointment in his mom's face on her wedding photos, his dad fucking dressed as Christopher Columbus of all people. He thinks about the picture on their house, Wendy's tight smile, her badly concealed disgust. He feels hot, like he's wearing too many clothes. His head is reeling.

"C-Can I have some more wine?"

"Sure thing, Stanley," Principal Victoria says with a smile. "Get him some more, dear."

Wendy pinches the bridge of her nose as McDaniels gets up to refill Stan's glass. This does nothing but make Stan's affliction much more poignant and he downs his glass so quickly he can actually feel the people on the table staring at him, can even slightly feel their concern. He swallows the lump in his throat along with the alcohol.

He gives Wendy his keys wordlessly, sits in the passenger seat in silence feeling like a kid who just got picked up from school after being sent home for bad behavior. The drive to his mom's house is silent, devoid of any illusion of forgiveness, utterly hopeless. Stan stares at his own lap, ashamed of himself. Wendy grips the steering wheel tightly.

They don't say anything.

He kisses his mom before leaving her house after picking up Andrew, she pulls away from him after the kiss with her brows drawn together in motherly concern. She can tell he's been drinking, probably smelled the wine on his breath. He gives her a smile that says "don't worry about it" but he can tell it does nothing to quell her worries.

Stan carries a sleeping Andy to his room and gets him on the bed while Wendy immediately goes to take a shower. Stan can hear her crying when he gets in the room and he sits on the bed feeling like a turd floating in the toilet. Once she's out of the bathroom, he gets in and takes his own shower. If she heard him sobbing in there, she says nothing.

Wendy is turned away from him when he gets back. She usually is these days. Like she can't even look at him, be near him while they're sleeping. Stan gives her the space she deserves, turns his back on her to sleep as well. They lie awake for sometime, both breathing quietly. Both pretending to be asleep and both entirely aware that the other is awake.

The months after his and Wendy's wedding feel like weeks. Stan can barely process that it's been nearly a year since they got married. They fall into a routine. They'll argue about the same things and nothing will change. They don't talk when they absolutely need to, every now and then Stan is unable to leave his bed, unable to stop crying.

He carries the guilt of doing what he did to himself and to them, to Wendy more than anything because Stan can at least recognize he was never meant for anything good. He's been ruined from a young age. But it didn't have to be like that for Wendy. Never for her. Not only because she doesn't deserve it but also because she's above that.

Above Stan, above their life together, above their marriage and, more importantly, she's above this town. Stan is convinced that the worst thing that ever happened to Wendy wasn't even meeting him, dating him or even agreeing to marry him, no, it was coming back to this fucking place. Where nothing changes, nothing grows.

South Park feels like it got frozen in time. It never progresses, never gets better. If anything does change, it's usually for the worst. And even Wendy isn't enough to fix that. She can't fix this town and she can't fix him. So there's no point in trying. Stan stops caring about it eventually, stops spending every minute of his life thinking about it.

He barely sees his friends, barely calls anyone. Only ever talks to his mom. Hell, sometimes he'll openly ignore people he used to know talking to him at work or in public. Keeps making up excuses not to go to friends' birthdays, Tolkien's daughter's birthday, Kenny's daughter's birthday. Any event that would require leaving the house.

None of his friends drop him for this, they continue to call and invite him places. Tolkien still texts him every now and then, Kenny stills texts him all the damn time. It takes a while for Stan's refusal to speak to them actually catch up to them, takes some time for them to start giving up on him. Tolkien is the first to stop texting.

Then there's Clyde, almost at the same time. And Kenny doesn't stop texting him altogether, doesn't give up on him entirely. But he does seem to notice Stan's purposeful neglect of their friendship. And though it hurts to realize how genuinely hurt Kenny is over this, over him, Stan knows it's for the best.

So he only cries a little bit when he notices Kenny's slowly started to text him less. Going from best friend to friend to former childhood friend. But he knows it's for the best. Kenny doesn't deserve the burden that is dealing with Stan's rampant negativity. All he does is drag people down. And that's the opposite of what Kenny does.

Kenny is a life jacket, he's a lifesaver. He helps you stay afloat when everything around you seems to be conspiring to make you drown. Stan is a giant rock tied to your leg, he's a block of cement, weighing you down, pulling you with him to the bottom of the sea, making sure you sink. Stan is drowning but he's making sure you drown with him.

Kenny is the one person he can still save from himself. It's too late for Wendy but Kenny can still be saved. He can keep his distance. Stan will only have to convince him of what's painfully true, that's he's just not worth it. Kyle has noticed it, Wendy noticed it when it was too late but Kenny won't know unless he makes it obvious.

The next time he hears from Kenny, it's to learn two new things. One, that Marjorine is pregnant once again. And he takes his time saying it, too. Acts like his dick is a magical breeding machine. But that's Kenny for you. Stan congratulates him but then Kenny gets serious and that's how he knows things are about to get bad.

"Some news about Kyle," he says like it's a warning sign, like he knows Stan needs to be prepared to receive any information that could break him. "I didn't tell you this before because it felt kind of douchy to just shove it in your face like that. But a couple months ago Kyle mentioned they're... trying. For a baby, y'know. And I kinda waited to see if it'd be a whole thing before I told you."

Stan feels that same old friend, that familiar sense of dread sinking your stomach like he swallowed a bunch of rocks. Like he's about to be submerged in the sea and he filled his stomach with rocks so he could sink more easily. For the moment it takes for Kenny to finish talking, he doesn't breathe. He doesn't blink. He doesn't move.

"She's pregnant, his wife. They're having a baby."

Distantly, he can feel himself nod like he usually does when he hears about any of his distant family or friends having any major life accomplishments. Like it's just another one of those things that used to bother him but shouldn't, not anymore. Not when he's married and has a son. But his brain refuses to acknowledge that this is Kyle he's talking about.

The idea of Kyle, his Kyle, his best friend Kyle, his super best friend having a kid. And not even having the decency to call him to tell him about it? Not even deeming it necessary to give Stan the news directly? He knows logically that Kyle doesn't owe him anything. But he had to hear about it from Kenny. Like he always has to.

It somehow hurts so much more that he had that phone call with Kyle, that Kyle was the one to reassure him that things would be alright. That he wouldn't fuck up the way his dad did. And it hurts to think about that because Kyle was, for once, wrong. Stan is fucking everything up. Stan is just like his dad, whether he wants to admit it or not.

It's not that he expected Kyle would suddenly be his best friend again after their talk. They're long past that. It's too late for that, as painful as it is to think about it. But he had at least hoped that Kyle would call him every now and then, maybe even just once a year when something really important happened. And something important did happen.

He just didn't think Stan deserved to know. He remembers when they were younger and Kyle would tell him anything, anything that happened in his life like it was some major event. Then Stan fucked up and ever since he hasn't been getting anything from him. Had to hear about his ambitions from Marj and his impeding marriage from Cartman.

And now he's having a child and Stan is the second one to know, maybe even the third or fourth. There was a time where Kyle would have told Stan about it before anyone else. Before his mom, his brother, anyone. Now he and Rebecca are having a kid together and Stan only knows because Kenny does. And then comes the kicker:

"Cartman told me this sunday."

Stan laughs, a hysteric sound that makes it sound like he's choking on a sob, "What?"

To know that Kyle's having a baby from Kenny, only after he got told that from Cartman is a special type of heartache. Stan can't even begin to comprehend why Kyle would tell Cartman before him. Why he would tell him at all. He has tried to ask Kyle to be his son's godfather but he never answered his calls after that one phone call.

It had to be Kenny, instead.

And he has nothing against Kenny but the fact that Kyle wouldn't even answer him, that broke him. He really thought things would be different between them after Kyle actually talked to him. What a fool he was, what a goddamn fool he is for always hoping things will be better. He should know by now that they won't, they never will. Not for him.

Because this is how life goes for Stan. He thinks things are getting better, thinks he can finally try to be happy for once and it blows up in his face. He had thought he had it under control. That his son being born would turn his life around, would change the way he sees life and mend the gaping hole in his chest. But nothing changed.

Mind you, he thought it did at first. For a moment he really believed they could do it, this could be a new beginning. For him and Wendy and their son. And now they feel like two strangers who had the brilliant idea to get married and raise a child together. It feels like they're together for Andrew and nothing more. And they might as well be.

Stan doesn't think he could ever dislike Wendy. Not even at his lowest points, at the day's when she's most unsympathetic towards his pain does he ever think he dislikes her. No, he hates himself more than anything. He hates his life, he hates what he's becoming. It's not a question of if he still loves Wendy. He knows he does, he never stopped.

But these days he feels like they barely see each other, let alone talk. And it's getting to him, he's starting to wonder if he made a mistake. Kyle having a child and not telling him about it is the straw that breaks the camel's back. He loses it. Doesn't even care about anything else at that moment, all he can do is walk.

For the longest time he doesn't know where he's going. He walks around town like he used to when he was a kid and he was looking for someone to play with. Whenever his friends were sick or Kyle was busy with something and Kenny was nowhere to be found and Cartman is an asshole and why would he want to hang out with him?

His mind is eerily blank as he walks around town until he gets to the familiar front porch of his house. His eyes are glued to the carpet for what feels like too long. His eyes bore into the welcome written on the carpet until the word is blurred beyond recognition. Very distantly, he can feel the cold wind and hear the sound of crickets.

He raises his fist to knock on the door but something rips that strength from him. He wonders what Kyle's future son or daughter will look like. If they'll look more like him or Rebecca. Wonders if Kyle is as scared as Stan was about this, probably not. Kyle was married before he got the news, Kyle was purposely trying to get his wife pregnant.

Kyle is a planner. He thinks things through before he does them because he's smart, he's capable and he's an actual functioning adult. Next to him, Stan can't even call himself a man. In his frustration with himself, with the situation he's in, he bangs his head on the door, hard enough to feel his vision go white for a short moment.

His head screams at him viciously for that, a buzzing sound filling his brain as he breathes deeply through the pain. He's had worse, he's fine. That's nothing. To prove that it's nothing, he slams his head against the door again, so hard that there's a slight moment of fear, a building panic as he believes for one second the door will get forced open.

It doesn't happen but soon there's a sound of the door being unlocked and before he can urge himself to leave, he sees his mom dressed in her sleeping robe. She looks frightfully young in the moonlight. It makes Stan feel even younger, he stares at her with guilt in his eyes and smiles only for the sake of convincing her he's fine.

"Stan? What's wrong?"

Nothing's wrong, he tries to say. Opens his mouth to say it, still looking at her like he used to as a kid. When he looked at her after being caught doing something he shouldn't be doing, after breaking something knowing there's visible evidence of his crime spilled all over the floor. His head is pounding, His eyes are burning.

"Mom," he says and then he breaks down.

His mom is holding him in seconds, barely waits for him to start crying to firmly hold him in her arms. Stan is much taller than her now. He's still the same height as Cartman and shorter than both Kenny and Kyle but he's very much taller than his mom. Yet she still holds him the same way, like he's still her little boy. Like he's still young.

He wants very desperately to go back to being her little boy. He wants to go back to when things weren't fucked beyond repair, before something broke him, poisoned him from the inside. He wants to be a kid again, to not worry about anything and never think too hard about things because he doesn't have to. He wants to feel something again.

He buries his face in his mom's shoulder, probably getting snot all over her robe. Crying like a child even though nothing happened. Nothing bad happened and he's acting like a baby. But he can't even bring himself to feel ashamed, can't stop clinging to his mom like she's a lifeboat. The only thing keeping him from drowning.

And he doesn't want to pull her down, he doesn't want to be the rock that will pull her down with him until they both drown but he needs this. He needs her. Stan is well aware of the fact that he probably looks pathetic now but he doesn't care. He sniffles, tries his best to breathe normally again but doesn't quite manage to stop sobbing.

"Oh, Stanley," his mom says, rocking him like a baby in her arms. "Oh, my baby. It's okay. Mommy's here, everything's okay."

His mom manages to get him to come inside, gets him a glass of water and something for the headache he mentions having. He doesn't tell her he banged his head on the door, feels too embarrassed to say that. Like the moment the words come out of his mouth, she'll know he's too disgraceful to even be trusted to look after himself.

He's surprised his mom doesn't ask what's wrong. She seems to accept he needs her right now, doesn't question for one second that he's there for a valuable reason. Stan feels guilty, so incredibly guilty for waking her up for nothing. Nothing happened, why is he like this? But he can't bring himself to leave. He can't abandon her warmth.

He ends up climbing into bed with her. His mom kisses his nose softly, kisses his forehead and tells him "good night, baby" like he really is her baby. Like he's still her little angel. He remembers when she read him bedtime stories, even remembers the times his dad would sing for him to sleep when he was a toddler.

For a moment, he feels safe. His head is empty of any horrible thoughts and his eyes close. He's tired. He wants to sleep forever. He never wants to wake up. All of this should scare him, should be a sign that there's something wrong. But at this point, Stan is well aware of that. There's no helping him anymore. It's too late for that. He has to live with it.

That's the hardest part of all of this. He's the one who needs to live with who he is, he has no choice but to either live as the person he hates the most or die as that. And it's not like it's one or the other, the second option will happen eventually. Stan likes to think that it'll be soon. Not by his own hand, not as much as he wishes he could.

He doesn't have it in him to kill himself. He can only hope alcohol will do it for him. It's something he finds himself dreaming about sometimes. They're peaceful dreams. He's drinking and driving and he hits a tree. He gets diagnosed with something fatal, feels his heart fail, his organs poisoned by the alcohol.

This time, in the dream, it's something you could almost call a suicide. All he sees is green, he can hear birds chirping and there's a sound of a real animal, a big one, a scary one, grumbling hungrily. It might be a mountain lion, he thinks. It's a very abstract dream. His dad is with him but he looks younger. He's drinking a beer.

Stan is holding a bottle of whiskey. His eyes can't help but be stuck on his dad, sitting next to him in the woods. He doesn't even look like he did when Stan was younger, he looks like he does on that one picture of his in college. He looks younger than Stan. And he's talking about something but it's all just noise in the back on Stan's mind.

There's a gun on Stan's hands, replacing the whiskey. It's the same one his Uncle Jimbo always uses. His shotgun. He tries to pick it up. He worked at his uncle's gun store once and he couldn't tell you the name of this weapon if you payed him. Something goes wrong when he picks up the gun, he grabs it all wrong. His fingers pull the trigger.

It's aimed at him. He's on the floor. The sky is very beautiful, that's what he thinks and he might be bleeding. He gets his hand in his shirt, there's a wet spot there. His hand comes back red. His dad is above him, beer bottle in hand. He takes a long sip, looks at Stan down on the ground with no alarm. Only mild curiosity.

"You should probably wake up now," he says and that's when Stan's chest is filled with dread, he feels like he's going to throw up.

It's a very weird dream, he decides, but in the morning he can't remember it at all. His mouth feels weird and his head is killing him. He goes downstairs and finds his mom once he reminds himself he has no reason to throw up. He didn't drink that much yesterday. Had only started getting drunk when Kenny called.

His mom wants to talk about what happened. Stan can tell she's worried about him, he's sick and tired of how worried everyone around him is all the time. It's somehow made worse by the fact that he can't blame them for that, can't tell them he's a grown ass man who can take care of himself and that they're worrying for nothing.

The only one who doesn't pity him is Cartman and it's a special sort of self afflicted torture, forcing himself to give Cartman a call every now and then to talk. Because he's the only one who will be honest with Stan, who couldn't care less about how sensitive he apparently is. He'll call him a hippie loser, tell him he's useless, make fun of him for being unable to function properly.

Stan's only problem is when he gets too honest. That is, when he calls him the forbidden word. Logically, Stan knows he's sick. He knows there's something deeply wrong with him and he can't deny that, no matter how hard he tries. But he can't acknowledge it. Even hearing the word is enough to make him hang up on Cartman.

He won't stand for being called what he truly is. He's still, in many ways, a coward. And he's reminded of that once more when his mom kisses his forehead and asks if he wants to talk about it. There's so much he needs to talk about, so much he wishes he could tell her. Tell someone. Instead, he shakes his head. He swallows his words.

"It was nothing," Stan lies. "I'm fine now."

And his mom gives him the a sad smile, her eyes so similar to Wendy's when she looks at him like she's telling him "you're lying and we both know that". His mom sighs, she sounds so tired every time she does that and it never fails to make Stan hate how much of a burden he is to her. Even when he tries not to be, he only makes her life harder.

"Okay, sweetie," she concedes. "Let me make you some breakfast."

He takes some pancakes home because he knows Andy loves his grandma's pancakes. Stan never quite manages to make them how his mom does, he saves his son the performance of pretending it's not that bad by sticking to waffles. So he brings the pancakes and he puts them on the fridge for his son to eat later. A nice little surprise for him.

It's quiet when he gets home. It's far too early and it's sunday so Wendy gets to sleep in. He doesn't want to ruin that for her, makes sure not to make any noise as he sits in the living room of this giant house and thinks about what his life is now. It's probably not even that big of a house. But it feels like it, with only three people living in it.

He gets to enjoy a few moments of peace before Wendy inevitably wakes up and finds him in the living room. She doesn't waste any time and starts lecturing him as soon as she sees him. Stan sighs. He's so caught up in his own head that it takes a while to figure out what she's screaming at him about. Because it's not what he expected.

Apparently Wendy didn't notice he never went to bed last night. Kenny had called after he got Andrew in bed, after he made up a story to make him sleep. She had gotten home tired and didn't even look at him, just got her shoes off, took a quick shower and went straight to sleep. Stan had stayed up like a wine mom, except it was whiskey instead of wine.

He might hate himself but he doesn't hate himself enough to get red wine drunk.

Wendy didn't have time to talk to him about what he did friday because she spent her saturday working. She went home and went straight to bed. And so Stan realizes that's what she's still upset about. She hasn't had the time to even mention it before but now she's getting to it. He doesn't know why it took him so long to realize that.

Stan deviated from his routine on friday. He had one of those days, one of those days when nothing feels real and everything around him is just shit. He didn't want to affect Andy with it so he just left. Went to Stark's Pond for some self reflection time. And of course, to drink in an attempt to numb the pain. He had forgotten about Wendy's job.

She couldn't leave their son alone and so she spent the afternoon trying to contact him so he'd come back home and watch over Andy. She could have just taken him to Stan's mom herself, as Stan usually does when he has to work. But usually it's Stan who does that, she has work early and he watches over Andy for a while before he has work.

So Wendy was caught off guard and she couldn't reach him all day. She had gone to Stan's mom to make sure she could take care of Andy but she still lost a lot of her time getting him ready, bathing him, cooking breakfast which, by the way, is also usually Stan's job. She was late for work for that and Stan didn't answer any of her calls.

That's what she's angry about now. Because she didn't even notice he didn't sleep at home. She didn't even notice he left in the middle of the night. Wendy is furious that she was late for work because she had to do the things he usually does and the things she does as well. Get her son ready for his grandma's and herself ready for work.

Once Stan realizes that's what this is about, he gets actually angry. It's good to feel like this sometimes because he usually feels nothing but a slight sense of unfulfillment. Now he's annoyed. He tells Wendy she shouldn't feel like her own child is a burden who gets in the way of her precious job, Wendy tells him he doesn't understand.

"All you do is make people's lattes for them for a couple hours and you only started doing it because you felt like it. Not out of ambition or necessity, out of boredom ," she says and even in a fight, she articulates so well. "You don't get what it's like to actually work, Stan. You don't know how tired I am."

"Oh, I know all about how tired you are. It's all you talk about."

"Because someone has to say something. Because if I don't talk to you, Stan, you don't talk to me either. You have nothing to talk about. You're a blank slate. You're an empty person. You have no dreams or ambitions to speak of, you don't even care about anything. Our son is the only interesting thing in your life."

This gets to him. Because, like many other hurtful things Wendy says to him when they're fighting, it's the truth. Stan never actually managed to find something he wants to do. He's unsatisfied by his job but then again, when was he ever eager or even slightly interested in the work he does? He knows it's not the same for everyone.

Kenny is passionate about the work he does. His research is as important to him as his family, his siblings, his wife, his kids, he has another one on the way. Marjorine is all passion. For her friends, her dancing, her creativity, all of it. Hell, even Bebe likes her work and she's obviously in a pyramid scheme. Stan is the only one working just to pass the time.

It's not for the money, he doesn't need it. Wendy makes enough for both of them. It's for his own good, because if he's just at home, cooking, cleaning and being around his son all the time, he'll break. He'll lose it. And while Kyle is trying to become a doctor, a pediatrician, which makes so much sense with how often he got sick as a kid.

While Kyle is becoming everything he wishes he had as a kid, an actual good, dutiful doctor who at least knows what he's doing, who's at least trying, Stan is doing nothing. He can't think of anything he'd like to do. Can't imagine being passionate about something the way Wendy is about her work. And maybe that's why he resents it so much.

Because he wishes he could be like her. He wishes he had something going on in his life to distract him from the mess within, to make him feel at least a little useful. But here he is, working a part-time job. Just so he can get away from his son for a little bit. Just so he can get away from himself, shutdown his brain and work on autopilot.

So he has nothing to say to that. Wendy has rendered him speechless and he is very aware of how flawed he is. But he feels her words echo through his head and he thinks about Kyle, future doctor Kyle. With a wife he loves, who would probably notice if he had a mental breakdown and left their house in the middle of the night.

With a kid he knows he'll do right by. Because of course he will, he's Kyle. He has never fucked anything up in his life and Stan has done nothing but fuck up. So he reaches for the liquor cabinet in their kitchen and he pours himself a nice glass of whiskey, taking solace in the familiar sound of the glass being filled, the ice cubes rattling on the glass.

"Good job, Stan," Wendy says when she notices what he's doing. "Proving me wrong once again, huh? That's your real passion. You should get a job that reflects how much you like to drink. God knows it's all you're passionate about these days."

He downs the glass before he can feel the emptiness inside him make itself present. In the background, Wendy keeps going on about how he should start making his own beer like those men do when they reach a certain age. She says he sure seems like a middle aged man going through a midlife crisis, even at twenty eight.

He pours himself another glass as she keeps talking, not even looking at him anymore. She moves in circles around the house, pacing as she keeps very sarcastically suggesting he should go work at the bar since he's already got experience serving drinks in the first place. He's halfway through his third glass of whiskey when he finally snaps.

"Hey, Wendy," he calls cheerfully. "Can you do me a favor and shut the fuck up just for a second?"

Wendy opens her mouth like she's about to say something that will make him wish he wasn't even born but then she seems to catch up to what he said. For a very brief second she looks unbelievably hurt, like he hasn't seen her in months. In the past weeks, it feels like she couldn't care less about anything he says to her.

To see her look so shocked, hurt and betrayed for a single, terrible second, is enough to make Stan want to drink himself to death today. It would be what he deserves. But self loathing does nothing to salvage this situation and all he can manage is a brief look of shame. It lasts just as long as Wendy's open display of heartbreak does. It ends just as quickly.

For the second he lowers his head in shame, carefully changes his expression to neutral again, Wendy has done the same. He raises his gaze hesitantly to look at her and there's nothing in her eyes. They're steal. Her face looks bored, her eyes half lidded in what could be disappointment but absolutely free of any surprise.

"Look, it's not gonna happen again," Stan says, hoping bringing up the reason why she was mad in the first place will get her fired up again. "I'll warn you next time something comes up."

"Something... comes up?" Wendy asks, looking at him with both disbelief and a slight tinge of disgust. "Are we really pretending you actually do anything other than take care of Andrew?"

Stan makes sure to keep his face as blank as possible, even as he keeps sipping his drink in an attempt to calm down and not say anything else he might regret.

"Why did you leave, Stan? I'm not even asking why you purposely ignored my calls, I'll let that go for the moment. Why did you feel the need to get away? Are you getting tired of this?"

Stan sighs, wanting to say yes. Wanting to say he's tired of everything. Tired of living.

"Because I hope you don't say you are. Everyone gets tired, Stan, that's what being an adult is about. But we don't leave when things get hard. We stay and we make it work. Because we're not kids anymore," she grits out, her eyes peeling his skin off and staring straight into his soul. "We can't just run away when things get bad. You're an adult. Act like it."

Stan has nothing to say to that. All he can do is hope she'll tire herself out and end this pointless lecturing for once.

"You think I don't get tired too? You think it's easy being married to you?"

Stan laughs, bitter and cold, wondering who he even is. What he's even doing. He barely recognizes his own feelings, feels like he's trapped inside the body of a stranger.

"You chose to marry me," he reminds her. "You knew exactly who I was and you married me anyway. You think you're the only one tired of dealing with me? You're only married to me, Wendy. Imagine what it's like to actually have to live with me. Every day, every minute, every second. You think I wouldn't give anything to be away from myself too?"

Wendy grins, her face lighting up with surprise and something else. A wicked thing that makes him momentarily hate her. Just for a moment, he feels horrible about it the next second.

"My god, you're so selfish. It's all about you, you, you. Do you ever think about anyone but yourself, Stanley?"

He gets closer to her, whiskey glass still on his hand.

"If I'm really selfish and empty and- and unambitious or whatever. If I'm all those things, why'd you marry me then, huh? Why'd you choose to stay married to me?"

Wendy gets closer to him as well, showing just how much she doesn't fear him. Getting all up in his face as he takes another long sip.

"Because unlike you, I don't give up on things because they get hard, Stan. I take responsibility for things, I work to make things better! And you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself, drinking and pretending you're better than your dad!"

Stan finishes his drink, wipes his chin with the back of his hand while keeping direct eye contact with her.

"Again," he nearly shouts. "If you're all those things, why'd you decide to marry someone who's nothing like that? Someone who can't even function properly, like you always say?"

Wendy loses her composure, "This isn't my fault! You proposed to me, remember?"

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have fucking said yes!"

He throws his empty glass on the wall. It breaks and Stan is following the movement with his eyes when he sees Andrew, his son, standing right there on the living room. Watching them fight. The glass isn't anywhere near him, Stan threw it on the wall he's facing. Andrew is behind him and Wendy, his hands clutched together, his eyes wide.

The glass shattering makes him immediately start wailing.

Stan and Wendy stare at each other with identical looks of alarm and the guilt of being caught doing something you can't be seen doing, not by the person who caught you. There's an edge to Wendy's gaze, something heated and accusatory that makes Stan think she probably regrets marrying him. Regrets maybe even meeting him.

They both run to their son's side at the exact same time. Wendy gets there first because Stan nearly trips, the alcohol is finally getting to him and now he feels like he's about to pass out. He manages to sit on the couch carefully, doesn't want to worry his son even more by falling in front of him and making an ass of himself.

"Oh, it's okay," Wendy says, picking their son up, presumably so he doesn't step on glass. "No, it's okay. Don't cry. Shh, it's okay. Are you awake already? That's good, honey. That's great. Are you hungry?"

Their son cries a little more but being pampered by his mom, a rare occurrence, seems to calm him down a bit. He wipes his own tears away and nods when Wendy repeats her question, asks him if he's hungry again. Stan feels like he's going to break down sobbing any minute now. Again. He sighs, keeps staring at his shaky hands.

"There's... pancakes on the fridge," he talks very lowly, almost in a whisper. "Got them from my mom's."

He can sense Wendy's questioning gaze on him, wondering when he had time to go to his mom's. Andy babbles excitedly when he hears the word pancakes, his hands clapping in an adorable reaction that has Wendy smiling. Stan smiles weakly at him as well, tries to seem as sober as he can for his son. Smiles encouragingly at him.

"You like grandma's pancakes, don't you?"

"I want," he demands. "Want pancakes."

Wendy nods like she's just as excited about this as he is, bouncing Andy on her arms a bit.

"Let's go get some pancakes then."

Stan is left alone in the living room with his own mess and his own shame as his only company. For a while he does nothing, keeps sitting there hoping to be able to stand up and walk around the house without falling soon. It only takes a small moment for him to break. And he starts sobbing as quietly as he can, doing his best to not be heard.

He grabs one of the pillows on the couch and clutches in to his chest for a moment, then buries his face in it to stifle his sobs. There's glass on the floor. So close to his son. His son who could be standing there listening to their fight for so long. Stan doesn't even know how long. Doesn't even know if he wants to know.

He doesn't know how long he sits there crying for. But eventually, he hears footsteps. He drops the pillow then turns it to the other side to avoid the wet spots made from his tears, the snot he got all over it. He sniffles until he feels his nose less stuffed, makes it easier to breathe. He wipes his cheeks. Rubs his eyes until he thinks he looks like less of a mess.

Wendy's arms are crossed when she makes her way to him. Stan's face is stuck on a silent sob, his expression contorted in a picture of pure agony. His hair is a mess, as he kept running his hands through it. He's sure he looks broken. But he breathes in and out, gets himself together. When he looks back at Wendy, it's with a blank expression.

"That cannot happen again, Stanley," she says.

Stan is wise enough not to say anything, he just nods.

"If that happens again. You're out. I'm not going to tell you this again," Wendy warns. "Understood?"

"Yeah."

He doesn't meet her eyes when he answers. Can't meet her eyes. In fact, it takes a while for Stan to be able to even look at his son. There's an awful feeling tugging at his chest, something building up in his gut. Something telling him he's ruining everything. He can feel the situation getting worse, his self-control slipping from his hands in slow motion.

It sickens him. Gives him the sense that he's losing himself. Becoming something he can't recognize. In a desperate attempt to make some sense of who he is, to at least try to make sure he's not entirely lost, he finally goes to visit Kenny. Wendy's at work when he goes, under the guise of arranging a playdate between his son and Maxine.

The little girl isn't so little anymore. She's three now and she's a little ball of energy. Marjorine looks visibly tired when she answers the door and Stan can tell she's struggling. She tells him Kenny is working on his latest research, something Stan might never get used to. Kenny is a scientist, a successful one at that. It's surreal.

It's obvious Marjorine is grateful that Stan brought Andy with him. Maxine is incredibly enthusiastic at the prospect of having a friend to play with. Andy has always been a little shy with other kids, which is why he hasn't played with her a lot in the past. Now they seem to be getting along better. Stan and Marjorine watch them closely.

"So, uh," Stan starts, not quite sure how to bring up the situation. "It happened again, huh?"

Marjorine doesn't seem to get what he's talking about until he does a hand motion mimicking a pregnant belly. She laughs at that, that ridiculous laugh of hers that makes Stan want to make fun of her.

"Yeah. Boy, let me tell you, we didn't even know it was somethin' that could happen. I-I know we probably should, since it happened before and everything but I don't know. Guess it just seemed like a one-time thing."

Stan stares at her stomach, she's not showing yet.

"And you guys are keeping it?"

"Oh, I always wanted a big family. It's no problem. A little unexpected but nothing we can't work with."

"You just seem sort of, overwhelmed I guess? With Maxine," he points out, hoping not to come off as rude.

Marjorine seems almost embarrassed that he managed to catch that.

"Oh, it's nothing to do with her, really. She's a sweetheart. It's just that, well, when Kenny's not around I just have a hard time sayin' no to her."

They both look at their children. Maxine is teaching Andy the right way to play with her toy train, how to make it move on the toy tracks. Stan's son seems so awed by this that it makes Stan want to cry. It's cute. One of those things that make Stan wonder how's it going to be when his son grows up. He's not looking forward to the death of his innocence.

The moment he realizes life is just shit, no matter how hard you try to see it in a better light.

"I can't breathe," Marjorine says and it almost sets off an alarm inside Stan's head, he turns to her so fast he thinks he heard something snap. "That's how it usually goes whenever I try to discipline her. It's crazy, y'know? I mean, I went to therapy, I forgave my parents, I chose to be a parent. Still, anytime I need to tell her she's... y'know the word. Hell, I can't even say it without crying."

She looks like she's about to cry but luckily she pulls herself together and just laughs it off.

"You can't..." Stan hesitates a bit, watching her closely. "Ground her? When she deserves it, I mean. When she does something bad."

Marjorine shakes her head, "I can't even say it, Stan. Kenny's the one who handles it. He's the only one who can tell her no. I can't punish her for anything, can't take her toys from her or, or tell her to go stand in the corner or even raise my voice to her. Not even a little bit. Heck, if I even think about doing it, it feels like the walls are closing down on me."

Stan reflects on that for a moment. If he really thinks about it, that's a lot like how he feels when he thinks about his dad too much. When he wonders if Andy's ever going to see him the way Stan saw Randy. Maybe that's why he's terrified of when his son grows up. He doesn't want him to be old enough to realize things he shouldn't ever know.

"I get it. At least I think I do. I mean, it's different. My dad was never... you know what I mean."

She does.

"My dad liked punishing me. He told me that once. In therapy. He liked feeling like he was the one in charge for once. For once, it wasn't him getting beat up or locked away and grounded. Like it was with grandma. I was always afraid I'd like it too, just like he did."

"You're not like that, Marj," Stan tells her because he feels the need to. "You were never really cruel."

"That means an awful lot comin' from you, Stan. Cause you know, I don't think you realize it but it's the same with you," she says, smiling like nothing is wrong in the world. "You were never really as selfish and- and as oblivious as your dad can be. No offense."

"Oh, trust me. I could never be offended on behalf of my dad. I swear to god, growing up there were times where your dad was almost better with me than he was."

Marjorine laughs at that, like she's in on an inside joke they share.

"Well, my dad did go to therapy. Yours didn't."

Maxine gets up and runs to the front door like a dog when she senses Kenny's back. He unlocks the door and gets in looking like he's well aware of what he'll find, arms wide open to hug his daughter when he sees her. It's adorable. Stan watches fondly as Maxine drags his son close to Kenny, pointing at him exaggeratedly.

"I'm playing with Andy!" she repeats over and over until Kenny nods and greets Andy.

He gives him his hand for him to shake and Stan's son seems to take this interaction very seriously, nodding his head as uses both hands to shake Kenny's. Kenny laughs at that, his and Marjorine's laugh have the power to make people travel back in time and remember happier days. He pulls Stan into a hug the second he sees him.

"Dude, you have to stop pushing people away when it gets rough," he whispers to Stan before pulling away.

He then very shamelessly sits between Stan and Marjorine, his legs on top of her legs as he's half sitting on her lap. He puts his hand on her cheek and pulls her in, having no consideration for Stan whatsoever.

"There's my girl," he says before kissing her, very openly and proudly.

With tongue. This is why Stan hates visiting Kenny sometimes. He's a little too PDA. And Marjorine is no better, the voyeuristic whore. Do they really need to do this all the time? Not only does she kiss him back with just as much enthusiasm, she also puts her hands on his hips and leans into him. They kiss for at least three whole minutes.

"I really hate you guys. I hope you know that."

They both flip him off, never pulling away from their heated kiss. Stan sighs loudly, makes his displeasure well known. He still spends some time talking to Kenny before he leaves their house. Hoping that maybe being around a friend will do him some good. Right before he leaves, Kenny walks him and Andy back to the car.

"Take care of yourself, man," Kenny says and it sounds like he's trying to be so casual about it but Stan can hear the desperation in his tone. "I worry when you stop texting and shit."

"Sorry, I know I'm an asshole. That was a dick move."

"But at least you're alive," Kenny says, letting him off the hook as usual. "And don't do anything to change that, okay? Remember, you're not gonna let Tom Cruise outlive you."

Stan laughs weakly. He looks at Kenny's house once before opening the car door and getting Andy in his chair. He gives Kenny one last hug, hearing Maxine screaming in the background. She didn't take her playdate leaving too well. He winces, thinking back on his conversation with Marjorine. He pats Kenny on the back.

"Take care of her, dude," he says.

"Always."

The months go by quickly. His routine is essentially the same, though he does make sure to go to Kenny's a lot more. Whenever he starts feeling a little too disconnected from his own body, he goes to Kenny's house. It's a good thing because Andy gets to play with Maxine, Marjorine gets to talk about baby stuff and he gets to hang out with Kenny.

Most of the time it's enough to make him feel a little lighter. It does nothing to get rid of the void inside him but he never expected that to happen in the first place, always knew nothing would make that go away. The one thing it manages to do is distract him from it and Stan, being the idiot he is, convinces himself it'll work long-term.

It'll distract him from everything else, he tells himself. It'll distract him when Kyle and his wife welcome their new baby into the world. As usual, Stan is wrong. Horribly so. He's sitting in his room at night when he gets a text from Kenny. Even before reading it, he knows it's not just one of his usual texts. He can feel it's something big.

His head is already screaming at him to ignore this and distract himself with anything else but Stan is filled with a desperate need to know what's happening. He needs to follow his intuition. So he opens the text and he sees a screenshot from Kenny's text messages with Cartman. It's a selfie of Cartman holding a baby.

The baby is a small red thing, looking the same way every baby looks when they're fresh out of the oven. With what seems like dark hair, not a lot of it. A big head and a nose that's very reminiscent of Kyle's nose in his baby pictures. The baby in Cartman's arms as he stares at the camera looking bored. Kyle is next to him, seemingly annoyed.

The caption Cartman put on the photo says "look what the jew made". Kenny texts Stan the screenshot and then a very excited "our lil kyle's all grown up now". Stan can barely focus on that, his eyes are glued to the photo. Cartman holding Kyle's baby. Eric Cartman. The one person Kyle hated above anyone else. Of course that was before.

Now it seems it's him he hates. Stan is so stupid, god, he was so stupid to think he could deal with this. He can't deal with any of it now. He manages to text Kenny what he hopes is a convincing "good for him :-)" but his vision is blurred by the tears that insist on running down his face. He gets up and mindlessly walks around the house until his hands find a bottle.

He knows it's bad because he doesn't even remember walking there, doesn't remember opening the liquor cabinet and getting the bottle. He's drinking and he feels completely disconnected from himself. Kyle just had a baby. Isn't that great? He's all grown up now, he thinks bitterly. He and his wife, Rebecca. That girl who left him.

That girl he knew for not even a full year before he decided to marry her. And maybe that's good, maybe they deserve each other. They both leave the people they love behind. Stan hopes she leaves Kyle again. Hopes she cheats on him because that's what he remembers her for, for kissing other guys at school when Kyle did so much for her.

And maybe he deserves that, maybe he deserves having his heart broken. Just to know what it feels like. That makes no sense, he knows. He's just drunk and bitter and he'll most likely be drunk and bitter for the rest of his life. He's just like his dad, always was. How can he even deny it at this point? Kyle knows heartbreak, Stan is aware of that.

Stan has held Kyle as he sobbed after Bebe used him as a rebound, Stan has held Kyle's hand after Nichole broke things off with him after she attempted to date him that one time in high school she and Tolkien broke up. Kyle has known nothing but heartbreak and Stan should be happy for him, would be happy for him if he was a good friend.

But Stan is a fucking loser. He's an idiot, an asshole and he's poison. All he does is poison the people around him, all he's good for is for making them feel better about themselves because next to him everyone looks great. Kyle is happy. He's happy and that's all that should matter but he was always right about Stan, he's always been right.

Stan is selfish. So horribly selfish, so fucking broken he can't even be happy for the person he loves the most in his life. Because Kyle shouldn't get to be so happy without him. He should mean something to Kyle. But he doesn't. He knows he doesn't and now, more than anything, he wishes he could die. He wishes he could die the same day Kyle's child was born.

That way he'd always remember him. Every birthday party, every celebration of life would feel wrong because it would also be the day Stan died. And he likes to think that would break Kyle. That would make him feel something. And how fucking awful is he? That this is what he wants, that he wants to die just to ruin Kyle's happiness.

He cannot be around Wendy today. Can't be in the house when she gets back from work. Can't face her after knowing how much of a horrible person he is. He gets up and stumbles through the living room, fully intending to leave. But he can't leave. He's with his son now and he can't leave him alone. He drank an entire bottle, he realizes.

The whole thing. It's on the floor where he was sitting, the empty whiskey bottle. It will be the first thing Wendy sees and then he'll never get to see his son again. But he needs to get away from the house. If he stays there another minute, he might actually do it. Might actually kill himself. And if he does that, if he does that...

That's unforgivable. There's no undoing that. That will be the proof that he really is just as selfish as Kyle said he was. And he can't prove him right. He can't. So he goes upstairs. He turns the light on and he grabs Andrew, half asleep and young enough that hopefully he never remembers this. It's the middle of the night and he doesn't bother getting the car.

It's a miracle he's still standing, he's still standing. He's on his way to his mom's house, walking there with his sleeping son on his shoulder. Every now and then he gets up and cries a bit and Stan has to shush him. They're halfway to his old house when he remembers his mom won't be there. He can't be around his son now, can't ruin him.

And his mom is not home. She warned him about it, told him she'd be out with the girls tonight. That means she's doing something good, she's actually having fun. His poor mom. She has to deal with so much bullshit from him everyday, what was he even thinking? Did he want her to see him like this? He ignores people's weird looks and goes back.

His son is crying now, properly crying because his bedtime got interrupted and he probably doesn't understand what's going on. Stan feels nauseous. He drank too much. He drank too fast, he nearly falls over but he manages to get his son in the car. It's a struggle to buckle him in his car seat, Stan's hands are big and uncoordinated and Andy won't stop crying.

He promised himself he wouldn't ever drive while drunk, promised Wendy that too. But fuck, when did his promises to Wendy ever fucking meant anything? Not like he can keep any of them. Andy is still crying, louder and louder because he's cranky. He hates being woken up. But he'll just have to deal with it. Stan is dealing with much worse and he's managing to keep it together. Barely.

Traffic is a nightmare but he manages to make his way to that goddamn stupid farm. Cursing out everyone on his way and going as slow as possible, pissing everyone on the road off. He gets his son out of the car and he's still crying, still wailing so loud that Stan can barely hear anything. At least the noise might get his dad's attention.

"I need you to stay with Andy," he shouts as soon as he sees his dad walk out of the farm.

"Stan?" he asks. "What the hell are you doing here? It's late."

He gets closer to his dad, miraculously managing to not fall over.

"Are you drunk?"

"Oh, get off your high fucking horse," he says, feeling slightly delirious. "I need you to watch over Andy. Mom can't do it tonight, she has a thing and I can't be around him now. I can't, okay? So just-"

Andy cries again, this time directly into Stan's ear and it's enough to have him nearly lose his balance. The noise. Stan bounces him a bit on his lap, attempting to calm him down. Attempting to rock him. This doesn't help. It makes everything worse. Andy screams even louder, crying his eyes out like something terrible happened to him.

Like Stan is just the worst fucking dad ever. Like he didn't drive him here after drinking a whole bottle of whiskey just to get him somewhere away from Stan at his lowest point, instead of leaving him in the house. Because Stan always prioritizes him but his son just can't cooperate with him just once. He has to act like he's being abused.

It's ungrateful. And he just keeps crying, way too close to Stan's ear, way too loudly.

"Shut up!" Stan screams, shaking him in his lap. "Shut the fuck up! I get it, okay? My god, shut-"

"Here, here, Stan, give me-"

Stan pulls away in alarm, looking at his stepdad as he rushes to his side. When the hell did Stephen get here?

"Get the fuck off-"

"It's okay, Stanley. Just give me the boy. He's just tired, okay? He just needs sleep."

"I know what he fucking needs," Stan spits. "I'm his dad. You fucking locked Marjorine in the basement once, don't fucking tell me what to do to my child."

His dad grabs his face and tuns it in his direction, talks to him like one would talk to a child.

"Stan, listen, hey," he calls his attention. "You need to calm down. You're screaming. You're not making any sense."

"Fuck you!"

He knows he's screaming, he can tell. But he needs to scream. He needs to, otherwise they won't hear him. His son is screaming, he's crying like the world is ending. Stan doesn't understand why he's acting so... why he's being so...

"It's alright, son," Stephen says and it doesn't even upset him because Stephen calls every man significantly younger than him that. "Here, give me Andrew. I'll take care of him while you calm down. It'll be okay."

Stan nods, his head is killing him. He slowly hands Andy to his stepfather. Stephen started reading gentle parenting books after he went to therapy and discovered just how much he messed up Marjorine, he tells himself that. Andy will be safe with Stephen. He's not like he used to be. He wouldn't yell at him or make him feel unsafe.

He wouldn't... wouldn't drive him anywhere drunk. Wouldn't scream at him. Make him feel hurt and confused. Wouldn't ignore him or drink until he almost passed out. Wouldn't shake him. Stan puts his hands on his face, starts sobbing the moment his son isn't in his arms anymore. He can hear Stephen shushing his son.

When he looks up at them, he's rocking him gently as Andy cries silently this time. Stan reaches out to him and his son cries harder.

"Is he-" he tries to talk but can't stop his sobs, struggles to talk. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine, Stan," Randy says.

He turns to Stephen and doesn't say anything to him but something in his eyes must have told him something because Stephen turns away and gets in the house. Stan tries to follow him but nearly falls over. It's getting to him now. Without his son's shrieking and his own head making white noise, he can feel exactly how drunk he is.

He feels like shit. He stares at his dad and can't tell him anything. How many times did he promise himself to be different than him? How many times did he tell himself he was different? Better. Because if he was ever like Randy. Like his dad. His dad driving him places drunk, ignoring him when he complained about anything, making him feel unsafe.

His dad's arms are around him, holding him and keeping him steady because Stan almost fell over. From how drunk he is. He starts sobbing again, just as loud as Andy was. God, he screamed at him too. To shut the fuck up. At his infant son. What the fuck is wrong with him? His dad pulls him closer, strokes his hair in an attempt to comfort him.

"It's okay, you're okay."

God, even after all these years Randy's still so fucking dumb.

"No, I'm not. I'm not," Stan protests, even though he can't help but clutch his dad tighter. "I'm not okay. I'm not fucking okay. I'm... you. I'm you."

And ain't that the truth? The most horrible truth he ever had to face. Stan tries to hold back a sob but he can't help it. Once he starts, he's crying like a child until his body is drained of any water.

"I know," Randy says, hugging him tight. "I know, Stan."

He doesn't know how long he stands like that, in his dad's arms. It might be the longest time he's ever hugged his dad for. When he gets back to himself, he's in a bed. The same bed of his old room in the farm. He's usually unreasonably angry whenever he finds himself in this room again but this time he can't even muster up the energy to feel anything.

He feels hollow. Like someone reached inside him and pulled everything out. His eyes are dry, his mouth is dry, he doesn't even feel like he's about to throw up anymore. He doesn't know what he hates most, feeling the guilt he deals with every day or feeling nothing at all. His dad is the one who gets him in bed, he's the last thing Stan sees.

In his dream, he dies in a car crash. Or, more accurately he has a car crash and he feels like he should be dead. But he's just staring at the sky, it's night and he's staring at the clouds and the stars. He's dying, he doesn't know how he knows that but he can feel it. It's a good dream. It feels peaceful. He's laying on the floor with his arms open, smiling.

When he wakes up, his arms are open. It's a weird position to be in. He goes downstairs very slowly, not feeling at all like he knows he should. Because he should be throwing up now. But he doesn't feel anything that indicates a hangover. Just a mild headache. Not nearly as bad as it should be. He doesn't know if he can face his son.

He does so anyway. Because he needs to know he's okay. He makes his way to the kitchen feeling incredibly young, like he's still a kid. A kid with a son. That's what he always believed his own dad was like. A manchild with children of his own. How fitting, he thinks bitterly, that the same night Kyle became a dad, Stan became his dad.

Andrew is on his dad's lap eating a pancake. It's definitely not as good as Stan's mom's pancakes but it's something. He's happy to see his son well rested, eating and not seeming like he understands the magnitude of what happened last night. His dad and Stephen say good morning and don't say anything when Stan groans in response.

"Did you sleep well?" Stephen asks, casually sliding a plate of pancakes to Stan.

That's one of the things he can admire about Stephen, the guy knows when to completely ignore a subject. Unlike his dad, who will surely bring it up the second he gets too comfortable. Stan decides to eat his breakfast before he can have his appetite ruined by his own actions. Before he can think too much about last night.

"I called your wife," Randy says because he can't let Stan have a moment of peace. "Just to be sure she wouldn't be worried about her kid. Told her you brought Andrew to spend the night with his grandpa, which you never do. Told her I pestered you until you agreed."

As if she would believe that. Wendy isn't stupid. It won't take long for her to figure out what happened. One look at the empty whiskey bottle he left on the floor, one phone call with Kenny to know he texted Stan before he decided to take his son to his dad's house last minute. She'll figure it out. And Stan won't be able to see his son again.

He gets up, feeling the awfulness of yesterday finally catching up to him. The guilt, the anger, the pain, everything. Most of all, the hangover. He nearly trips as he makes his way to the bathroom to puke his guts up. It takes a while for him to be done but when he finally is, he comes back to the kitchen feeling defeated and humiliated.

"Give me my son," he says and doesn't wait for an answer.

He grabs Andy from his dad and hols him tightly, whispering apologies in his ear. Kissing his cheek and hoping he doesn't remember this in the future. He's too young, he tells himself. Of course he won't remember.

"I should get going now," Stan says, looking directly at Stephen because he can't handle looking at his dad now and seeing himself. "Thanks for everything."

He gets his things and leaves as fast as he can. Gets his son in the car and makes his way back home feeling like this is a walk of shame. The moment he's home, Wendy is on him, barely looking at him before she takes Andy from him and hugs him like she hasn't seen him in a year. There's relief in her face and she's smiling as their son babbles to her.

"Mommy missed you so much," she says in a normal voice, Wendy doesn't believe in baby voice. "It's so good to have you back. Did you have fun visiting grandpa?"

Stan goes up to take a shower just so he can get away from her. He knows what's about to come and he can't face it right now, not without some time for himself. The idea of being alone with himself right now is incredibly unappealing but he can't physically bear to be around Wendy. Not until he absolutely has to. Which might be just now.

"What the hell happened last night?" Wendy asks, not even waiting for him to get dressed.

So Stan is just standing there in front of her in his towel, his hair dripping water all over their bedroom floor.

"Listen, dude. I know we have to talk about it, I have no problem with that but I just... I need to get dressed now, okay? Can you just give me some space?"

"Fuck that," Wendy crosses her arms. "Why did you go to your dad's? Why did I get home to find you and my baby missing and nothing but an empty bottle of alcohol on the kitchen floor? Stan, I swear to god, if you drove our son somewhere while you were drunk-"

"I didn't," he lies. "I didn't, Wendy. You know I would never do something like that."

And the worst part is: she believes him. He can tell in the way her eyes soften, her posture instantly relaxes. Because she doesn't believe Stan is capable of doing something like this. She knows how many times his dad embarrassed or terrified him by driving him around drinking, driving his friends around while drunk.

"I just... I needed to get away from the house for a moment, that's all."

Wendy accepts that, nods like she understands.

"Why?"

"You wouldn't get it," he shakes his head.

She gives him a look, there's an emotion on her face that could be something in between offended and amused. But it's definitely bitter, Stan can practically feel the bitterness radiating from her incredulous smile.

"Oh my god," she laughs. "It's Kyle, isn't it? It's the fact that Kyle just had a baby?"

Stan probably looks like an idiot now, gaping at her like a braindead fish.

"How do you-"

"For fuck's sake, Stan, everyone knows about you and Kyle. This weird thing you two do where you act like ex-lovers everytime you're fighting."

Wendy looks at him like she can't decide if she pities him or if she's still angry at him. Stan doesn't even know what to say. The events from last night keep playing in his head, making him feel sick. What is he even turning into? And can he do anything to stop it? Of course, logically he knows he can. He knows exactly what he has to do.

But he's also self aware enough to know he can't. He just can't. He knows he won't be able to. Part of him desperately searches for another possibility, anything he can do to make things better. Maybe if he just drank less but then again, he won't. He will until it's not enough and then he'll be back to how it was before.

Sometimes he wishes he could be like his dad. That he could live in absolute denial and find solace in his own delusion. But he thinks about how that would make Andrew feel and he's sick to his stomach, disgusted by himself. His entire life feels like it has gone to shit. He doesn't know why. More than anything, he wishes he could fix it.

He knows it's something inside him, it's something he did to himself. It wasn't Wendy. It wasn't marrying her, wasn't having their son. And it wasn't Kyle either, as much as it would be much easier to blame him. Stan tells himself it will get better, it has to get better. Maybe this is his delusion, his denial. Maybe living in denial is for the best.

So that's what he does. He tells himself that it doesn't matter that Kyle won't answer his calls, that they'll never be close like they used to be. He tells himself it's not a problem that his wife thinks of him as a burden, that she most likely has no faith left in him. In them. That all his friends are able to be so effortlessly happy and he just... can't.

He goes back to doing what he does best and he lives in autopilot. He ignores the way Wendy's eyes bore into him every now and then like she has something she wants to say but can't. Ignores the sad look in his mom's eyes when her gaze lingers on him too long. Ignores how even his dad looks at him differently now, like he's watching a car crash in slow motion.

He drinks only when absolutely necessary, which is whenever he feels like if he doesn't have a drink, he'll kill himself in the next minute because nothing feels even remotely okay. And that's almost all the time. Every time he stops for even one moment to think about his life. So he drinks. And he manages to drown his sorrows.

He thinks he manages to drown the self awareness, too. Drinks just enough to be able to finally stop thinking so hard all the time about how much he hates who he is now, how absolutely horrible he is. A horrible husband, a horrible dad and a horrible friend. He pictures someone carving those words into his gravestone and it's a comforting thought.

Marjorine and Kenny have another baby. They name her Kendra, finally honoring the McCormick tradition of naming your kids with names starting with K. Stan is drunk when Kenny gives him the news and so he's not a total buzz kill about it. He musters up some enthusiasm, congratulates his friends on their new little girl.

He's thinking about Kyle the whole time. Kyle's baby and how Kyle is doing as a father is something that occupies his mind a lot throughout the days. He knows nothing about Kyle and his baby. All he knows is that it's a boy, everything else is filtered by his silent agreement with Kenny to not mention Kyle and his life.

It's probably why he gets so mad when said agreement is ignored. He doesn't really know what prompted the conversation to happen but he remembers having a nice, pleasant talk with his friends when Marjorine decided to mention Kyle. Apparently his son is named Samuel and Kyle has been trying to get Cartman to stop joking about his son's circumcised penis.

"He still talks to Cartman," Stan says, laughing in a way he hopes makes sure Marjorine gets the message to stop talking about this.

"Well, yeah. They live pretty close and with Eric's new girlfriend being a good influence on him and all, Kyle's been gettin' along with him, actually."

Getting along with him. With Eric Cartman.

"I think I'd kill myself if I had to live close to Cartman instead of you guys."

"But Eric must have gotten better. Otherwise Kyle wouldn't want him as his baby's godfather."

Stan's world momentarily stops spinning and he stares at Marjorine, patiently waiting for her to laugh and say "you should've seen your face".

"Really funny," he says, hoping to encourage her.

"It's not a joke, Stan. It's true. Kyle said so himself. He told me Eric's girlfriend turned his whole worldview around and that even he was surprised that he wanted him to be Samuel's godfather."

"You're full of shit. Come on."

Marjorine gives him a pitying look.

"It's no big deal, buddy. I'm sure Kyle only did it cause Eric lives so close, if it were me and Kenny, we'd never-"

"Kyle didn't make Cartman his son's godfather, Marjorine. Be fucking serious. He probably just lied to you because he knows you're still so stupid, you'd believe anything he said."

Marjorine's eyes widen at that, "Look, Stan, I know this is hard for you to hear but I'm really not lying. You can ask Ken, he'll tell you-"

"Kenny wouldn't say shit. Kenny knows better than to tell me something like this because he's not as fucking dense as you are. God, how can you be so fucking clueless?"

Marjorine sighs, bumping her fists together like she used to when she was younger. Barely able to make eye contact with Stan.

"You're a mean drunk," she mutters. "You know, for someone who doesn't like hearing it, you sure do act a lot like your dad."

Stan sees red. He gets up so fast he's afraid the chair he was sitting on might actually fall.

"You're one to talk! At least my dad loves me."

Marjorine doesn't raise her voice when she's mad, she's eerily calm, doesn't even get up from her seat.

"My dad loves me, Stan. He loved me enough to go to therapy to become a better dad for me. Your dad never even considered changing. What does that say about you?"

Stan leaves. He doesn't even bother explaining to Kenny why. He just leaves. He can't stand to even look at Marjorine now. She just fucking ruined his whole day for no reason. There was no reason to bring up Kyle. There was no reason to keep taunting him like that, to mock him with that stupid lie. Kyle would rather have Cartman as his kid's godfather than you.

As if he ever would. He wouldn't. Marjorine doesn't know what she's talking about, she never does. She knows nothing about Kyle. It doesn't matter that she still talks to him and Stan doesn't get to anymore. She doesn't know shit. The lack of texts from Kenny asking him what this was about confirms what he already knows, Marjorine didn't say anything.

Stan is glad she didn't but he still doesn't think he did anything wrong. It's not his fault she never learned to talk to people, there are certain things you just don't talk about and when Stan's concerned, Kyle is the main thing you shouldn't mention. But maybe he's at fault for expecting Marjorine of all people to be able to get that.

He shouldn't expect anyone to get how he feels because then he'll just get disappointed. Because they don't. They never have, not even those he considered closest to him ever came even close to understanding what goes through Stan's head. And he can't blame them for it, he also wants nothing to do with his own mind sometimes.

It's why he knows it's not a plausible long-term solution, to quit drinking. Stan can't handle how his mind feels most days and to get a break from himself so he can attempt to function better, not normally, that's out of the question, better he needs to be drunk. For the next year or so, he's drunk in every major life event.

Meetings with friends, the rare moments where Wendy is amenable to having a "date night", major birthdays. All of it. Time flies by when he's drunk through most of his life, it feels like it was yesterday that his son was a baby that could barely walk and now he walks around freely, forms full sentences. It makes Stan feel old.

It doesn't help that he's approaching thirty. But surprisingly enough, it's not on his birthday that he loses it. It's worse. It's so much worse.

It happens the day his son turns three.

The day doesn't start good. Stan wakes up with a terrible headache, wakes up to Wendy informing him they received a "save the date" for Cartman's wedding, Eric Cartman's wedding. Stan thinks it's a prank at first but he realizes how real it is when he holds the invite in his hand. He stares at it with uncomprehending eyes for a minute.

The he calls Kenny. Like usual, Kenny is excited about it. Stan tries his best to be doubtful because this is Eric Cartman they're talking about but he has been dating the same woman for some time now. Stan just didn't believe he was capable of love. He asks Kenny if this is real, if he ever imagined he would end up being the best man at Cartman's wedding.

Kenny gets quiet for a moment.

"About that," he says and that's all he says because Stan hangs up.

It's only eight in the morning and Stan has gotten the news that Cartman is getting married. And now he has to find a way to live with the fact that Cartman didn't ask Kenny to be his best man like he expected. No. He asked Kyle. And Kyle said yes. To being Cartman's best man. When he didn't even bother showing up to Stan's wedding.

This somehow feels worse than Kyle inviting Cartman to his wedding and not Stan, it's somehow worse than Kyle asking Cartman to be his son's godfather, it's fucking worse than Kyle maintaining contact with Cartman. And not him. Maybe because it's a combination of all these different things or because it's something else. It's more.

Stan breaks his rule of not having any alcohol before midday and goes straight to his liquor cabinet. By the time his friends, family and everyone else is gathering at his house, for his son's three year old birthday, he's so wasted he can barely keep up with the world around him. He feels like he's floating, moving at a different speed than anyone else.

He gets overwhelmed. They leave him sitting on a chair alone and he can hear so much at the same time. His head is pounding, his heart is racing and he can hear balloons popping, a thousand different voices screaming, people singing, people clapping. People being people. Being alive. Being happy. So fucking effortlessly.

That's what breaks him, he thinks. How the world can just carry on while he struggles to keep up with it, feeling like he needs to or else he'll get left behind. Everything is moving so fast, everyone is talking so loud and everything feels so excessive. He doesn't realize he's screaming until he sees the shock on people's faces as they look at him.

Their eyes are wide, their bodies are frozen in a jump, their hearts are caught on their chests.

"Just shut up!" Stan is screaming, his own voice making his ears ring. "Everyone shut the fuck up. For once in your goddamn lives!"

It only takes one second for all hell to break loose. The kids are the first ones to react. Naturally, they start crying. His son is the loudest, starts wailing just like he did when Stan screamed at him before. Wendy gets up and starts screaming at him, berating him as Tolkien and Bebe go to her and pull her away, try to calm her down.

Kenny and Marjorine are calming the kids, speaking in hushed tones, trying to get them to relax. Everyone else is watching awkwardly, unsure of how to handle the situation. All Stan can hear is white noise, he can barely make out the screams of pure anger Wendy doesn't even try to hold in. He catches the word selfish and he gets up.

The only thing that stops him from falling is his uncle. Uncle Jimbo grabs Stan and pulls him to his side and then he turns around and tells everyone to calm down. His voice is authoritarian and confident in a way Stan doesn't think he ever heard before. He grips Stan's arm almost painfully and drags him outside.

They make it to the backyard and Stan can barely say anything, all he does is turn around and immediately start throwing up. Uncle Jimbo doesn't leave his side. He rubs his back soothingly, tells him to let it all out. At one point Ned must show up because Stan hears his robotic voice asking if everything's okay. Uncle Jimbo tells him he's got it.

He keeps saying it, too.

"I got you," he says as he holds Stan and Stan starts sobbing, starts crying like a child. "I've got you, kid. It's okay."

Stan cries hard enough to feel like he's dying. He chokes on his own tears, his eyes are so swollen he looks like he got punched in both eyes by the time he's done. Uncle Jimbo tells him to get himself together. Stan tries desperately to do so, breathes in and out slowly with uncle Jimbo's assistance. Once he feels slightly better, he tries to talk.

"Don't," uncle Jimbo says, cutting him off. "It's useless. Ain't nothing you can say now. Just breathe, kid. Catch your breath. Pull yourself together while you still can."

The party is done by the time he gets back inside. Uncle Jimbo is right behind him in case he falls over. Andy is nowhere to be found and that upsets Stan. He searches for him and only finds Wendy, her face red and her arms crossed. She goes up to him and slaps him, hard enough to make him almost fall over. Uncle Jimbo keeps him upright.

His parents are sitting on the couch, Kenny and Marjorine are on the couch as well, Bebe is holding Wendy's hand and whispering something to her. This feels very much like an intervention. An emergency one. Stan feels like a dog that just had his face shoved in his own shit. He lowers his head in shame, can't face anyone right now.

"What the hell's the matter with you, man?" Kenny asks, sounding so angry it makes Stan flinch. "Seriously, what the fuck?"

Stan's mom starts crying and he can't help but cry too, he can't believe he did this in front of her. Can't believe he did this to her. Wendy is shaking from how angry she is and when she manages to look at him, it's with nothing but disgust. Stan doesn't say anything. There's nothing he can say at this point to make things better.

"You need help, Stanley," his mom says, sniffling. "Please tell me you'll get help."

Your dad never did goes unsaid but it's not necessary, Stan already feels like shit. He closes his eyes and cries a bit more, unable to stop himself. Someone gets closer and he can tell it's Wendy, can recognize her steps and her smell. She grabs his chin and forces him to look at her, at her red face. Her eyes are red with fury and grief.

"You're gonna get clean. I don't care where you have to go or what you have to do but you'll pull yourself together. You'll get clean. And then you're gonna pray that I reconsider letting you near our son. Understand, Stanley?"

He closes his eyes and sighs. He nods very slowly, Wendy nods with him, a dangerous glint in her gaze.

"That's what I thought," she says and smiles in a way that makes her seem unhinged. "And Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"I want a fucking divorce."

That much, he expected. Has been expecting for a long time. He becomes pliant in the hands of whoever has him, unable to do much other than stand there and think of how he fucked everything up. His mom and dad discuss arrangements with his uncle, Kenny won't look at him, Marjorine is disturbingly calm and Wendy...

Stan can't think about her now. Can't think too hard about how much he took from her, how much he fucked up their life together when she deserves nothing but the best. All because he couldn't stand to be alone. He needed someone to be miserable with him. Needed a hand to hold when he jumped off the cliff and started falling.

Well, his fault for not finding an equally unworthy hand to hold. For not choosing someone who would deserve to fall with him.

The next day Stan wakes up with the worst headache and he almost thinks time has reseted and his day started all over again, like that one movie. But this is real life. Where you don't get second chances. And even if he did, he'd most likely just find a way to fuck up even more than he already did. If that's even possible.

Nevertheless, he gets dressed and he grabs the bag that his mom puts in his hands like he's about to be sent off to a school field trip. Instead of whatever this is. Probably rehab. He gets in the car and his uncle Jimbo is there. He smiles at him like yesterday didn't happen. Stan tries to smile back but it's painful to even try, it's depressing to look at.

They've been driving for about forty minutes when he finally musters up the courage to ask, "Where are we going?"

Uncle Jimbo smiles content and blissful at the road ahead. There's no cars, no traffic, it's early in the morning and they're getting to the least populated parts of South Park.

"Me and you are going on a little road trip. A camping trip," Jimbo clarifies.

"I thought you were taking me to rehab."

Uncle Jimbo shakes his head, still smiling.

"In a way, I am. S' just gonna be our own personal rehab. Away from everyone. It's a good opportunity to bond with your uncle, huh?"

It's hell. They're in the middle of nowhere and Stan is convinced, at least on the first day, that his uncle devised a plan with his mom and dad to discreetly kill him. Not that anyone would miss him. He's almost looking forward to it, too. Would happily let his uncle paint the grass with his brains just to be free of this absolute hell.

The first thing they need to do is set up their tent and even that is enough to drive Stan up a wall. His hands are shaking so much he feels like Tweek and when he grabs the water bottle uncle Jimbo brought, he nearly spills everything from how hard he's shaking. He complains the entire time but he does try to help with the tent.

God, Stan hates camping. He always did. It's too hot to be true, especially in Colorado, in the morning and then as soon as it's nighttime, it's fucking colder than his ex-best friend's heart. Stan gets the chills all night and can barely sleep, his teeth keep chattering. By the start of the second day of their camping trip, Stan feels like he's in purgatory.

The first thing he does in the morning is help uncle Jimbo start a fire, make sausages and then promptly vomit said sausages the second he's done eating. In his uncle's defense, he never leaves his sight, never stops being supportive. He pats Stan in the back as he throws up and tries to tell him war stories to distract him.

Stan certainly needs to be distracted because even after all the puking, he still can't stop feeling like shit. His stomach hurts so much he always thinks he's about to throw up again. It's a false alarm nearly every time but he doesn't stop feeling nauseous for one second. He has the worst headaches, too. Like the hangover never stopped.

At night, his brain decides to be an asshole as it usually is, only instead of telling him to kill himself like it normally does, it just keeps replaying snippets of that Blair witch horror movie. Stan was never one to be too affected by horror movies, that was always Kyle's thing. He was always too sensitive when it came to these things.

In an attempt to forget about anything horror related, Stan tries to strike a conversation with his uncle.

"Uncle Jimbo?" he calls, hoping the man is still awake.

He is.

"Yeah, Stan?"

Shit. Now he doesn't know what to say. There's nothing to talk about other than the very obvious thing he doesn't want to discuss. He tries desperately to think of anything else to say but he doesn't want to encourage his brain by voicing his thoughts on the found footage movie. So he tries to think of anything not related to the war.

"Uh, hey uncle Jimbo?" Stan calls again because he took far too long to talk. "Are you and Ned, like, together?"

There's silence and, in that moment, Stan is sure his uncle will actually kill him.

"Cause I always wondered about that."

"Yeah, kid. We are. That a problem?"

"N-No, not at all. I'm-"

Bisexual, he wants to say. But he doesn't know if his uncle would quite get that.

"My dog was gay."

Uncle Jimbo laughs.

"Oh yeah, I remember that. That was a damn good dog."

Stan's eyes fill with tears. Sparky.

"Yeah," he chokes out, trying not to cry. "He was a good boy."

He does his best to keep quiet and make sure his breathing sounds like it always does but his uncle pokes him in the back and he turns to him, eyes wide. Uncle Jimbo smiles sadly.

"It's okay, kid," he says. "Let it out. It's no problem. It's just us here."

So Stan does let it out. He lets it all out. He tells himself he can be ashamed of how much he's been crying later but his life is fucking ruined beyond repair and he barely managed to live. He hasn't loved properly, hasn't been loved in a way that could fulfill him. His life is a series of repeated mistakes and the biggest one just might be his birth.

He buries his face in his hands and he sobs. Uncle Jimbo doesn't reprimand him for it like he would've done years before, doesn't call him a sissy or tell him he needs to grow up and be a man. Even though he probably should, he wouldn't be wrong to say that for once. Stan isn't a boy anymore. But now that he started, he can't stop.

At one point uncle Jimbo opens his arms to him and Stan doesn't manage to tell him it's fine, that he's okay now, instead he cries even harder and buries his face in his uncle's chest. He cries himself to sleep that night. In the morning he feels almost too empty. Empty enough that he would've grabbed a bottle by now and since he can't, all he does is think about it.

He spends most of that day in bed. He cried all he had to cry last night but he also took some of his energy, the little energy he had left. He's left exhausted. Tired, nauseous, with a terrible headache that makes it feel like someone split his brain in half. In other words, he feels like shit. Uncle Jimbo tries to get him to do something.

"Come help me start a fire," he asks. "You're probably better at it than I am."

Stan appreciates the effort but he can't move. Can't do anything. Uncle Jimbo doesn't insist too much, starts a fire himself and makes some more sausages for breakfast. The smell is enough to make Stan want to throw up, so he refuses. Uncle Jimbo doesn't leave his side. He eats and sits next to the tent, in the same space as Stan, existing with him.

"I really miss Sparky," Stan says at night, for no particular reason.

"You can always get another dog."

"Me?" Stan snorts. "I can't even take care of my own son. I'm fucking useless."

Uncle Jimbo gives him an uncharacteristically serious look.

"Don't ever say that, Stanley. If anything ever happened to you, your mom would be devastated. If you did anything to yourself? She wouldn't be able to take it. She'd blame herself. It'd destroy her. And we both know your dad did that enough for the both of you, right?"

Stan considers this for a moment, his mom. He wonders how she would feel if he really did what he wanted to do. If he really killed himself. Jimbo's right. She wouldn't take it well. They're eating sausages once again because it's all uncle Jimbo brought, they're just sitting in silence and eating. And uncle Jimbo looks at him like he had a great idea.

"You could do something with that!" he suggests excitingly. "With how much you love animals, I mean. Ever since you were a kid, you had me all worried acting like a goddamn hippie every time I tried to convince ya to kill something."

Stan never thought about that before. He finds that it's a comforting idea. To work with animals.

"You could be like an animal doctor or something."

"A veterinarian," Stan corrects.

That night he dreams he's walking around the forest and he comes across a wounded mountain lion. For some reason he has gloves and he's dressed like an actual doctor, one who takes care of human things. He performs a surgery to make the mountain lion walk again, since apparently it had been shot in the leg. It's a success.

He wakes up with the very distinct feeling of being an actual accomplished human being. Something he never quite felt before. And he has more energy that day. Manages to actually leave the tent for anything but dinner. They run out of sausages and uncle Jimbo attempts, for a brief moment, to convince Stan to go hunting with him. He refuses.

For Stan, it feels like weeks since this camping trip started but he realizes now that it's only been five days. When they decide to head home, he's expecting what comes next. His uncle doesn't bring him to his own house or his dad's place or even his mom's house. He brings him to rehab. He's not shocked, he's not upset, he's not betrayed.

He hugs uncle Jimbo tightly before getting in. Stan doesn't know how long rehab will last but he's determined to actually stay and see it through. It dawns on him that his dad never did something like this, would never even consider it. He's almost scared to go in. Uncle Jimbo tells him he can come with him if he needs support.

Stan shakes his head. He needs to do this alone, he thinks.

"Bye, uncle Jimbo," he waves to him. "See you sober."

Uncle Jimbo laughs at that, spirited and delighted.

"You betcha!" he yells before driving away.

By the time he's done with rehab, he feels like a completely different person. His mom goes to pick him up. Stan gets in the car with the strange sense of being an entirely different person. He has spent his entire life trying to be happy. He couldn't do that sober. He found that he still can't, even after all this time.

Now he needs to find a way to be sober Stan. He needs to find a way to live his life the way it's meant to be lived, with no alcohol to keep him from facing his own demons. Stan is scared. He doesn't know if he can do it. But he's already putting in the work, he's already started and he can't go back now. He needs to stay sober. For his son. For himself.

The first thing he does when he goes home is find Andy. His son is waiting for him when he gets there, comes to him running as fast as his little legs can manage. Stan had thought he was done with the tears but the moment he lays his eyes on his son and notices how much he grew without him, when he wasn't there to see it, he's bawling.

He picks Andrew up and holds him like his son is the cure to all his sorrows. He hugs him like he's the missing puzzle in his life, the only thing he needs to keep himself sane. Andy is weirded out by his crying, keeps asking why he's crying and that only makes Stan cry even more. He missed his son so much. He couldn't handle not hearing from him.

He's so happy to be back. He almost goes to hug Wendy but he reminds himself she probably doesn't want that and gives her the space she needs. Wendy smiles at him, not bitter or just trying to be polite and keep the peace in front of Andy but genuinely. She seems like she's made peace with how things ended between them.

Of course she should. She did nothing wrong. Stan is the one who fucked it. And for the rest of his life, he vows to make it better. To try to make something good with what he ruined. And that's what he does. What he tries to do for the next weeks. He becomes more present in his son's life, avoids alcohol altogether and apologizes to the people he needs to apologize to.

"If you're done being a dick, can you help me convince Marj we don't need to buy more clothes for Cartman's wedding? Honestly, dude. We've been to too many weddings to be throwing money away like that," is Kenny's response to his sincere apology.

This is what reminds Stan of Cartman's upcoming wedding. He agrees with Kenny, they've been to far too many weddings to keep buy more clothes. Stan has no problem recycling the same suit he wears to every major event he attends. And he distracts himself from the fact that Kyle will be there, as Cartman's best man, with this silly debate.

Cartman getting married is not something he ever envisioned in his life. And it's not just him. The guys had a long running bet on which one of them would be the first to marry. Most betted on Stan, as he always had Wendy. The least likely to be married or the one likely to be married after everyone else was Cartman. In a way, they won.

But also, Stan's marriage turned out to be a huge failure so in a way, he lost. The idea of Eric Cartman having a successful relationship and a genuinely good married life is enough to make Stan want to relapse immediately. But he won't. He can't. He lets his envy take a backseat and enjoys all the great jokes that come from this.

Wendy is still hellbent on going to the wedding with him because the only way she ever would be invited would be as Stan's plus one. And she hates Cartman a lot more than she hates Stan now, so she claims to need to see with her own two eyes that he found a woman who's willing to marry him. So they're going. Even though they're divorced.

Going to a wedding with Wendy is not fair in the slightest because she always finds a way to look more beautiful, no matter how many time passes, no matter what she wears and what color her dress is, she always looks gorgeous. Stan looks like a loser every time he puts on a suit. He doesn't have a face that goes well with a suit.

With Clyde being Cartman's half brother, Stan is very eager to eat his food again. He prays to god he makes that dessert he made for Tweek and Craig's wedding. The ceremony, as they very quickly find out, is a jewish ceremony and somehow it makes so much sense now that Kyle is Cartman's best man.

Cartman is marrying a jewish woman. He's not only marrying a jewish woman, he's also converting to judaism. And the moment they actually realize this, Stan, Kenny, Marjorine and Wendy laugh so hard they almost need to be escorted out of the temple. Because they're getting married in a temple. Because Cartman's new wife is jewish.

That's what Stan tries to focus on throughout the whole ceremony, the irony of all this. It still makes him feel that disgusting, self-absorbed sense of change that comes each time he has any reminder that his friends gave changed. Cartman is marrying a jewish woman. After all the shit he said, all the shit he did.

And the way he looks at her. Stan wonders if Cartman would even be able to fake something like that. He knows Cartman can manipulate people very easily if he tries and he usually does but this doesn't seem like it. Maybe because he recognizes the glint in his eyes when he looks at the woman. Yentl, that's her name.

Stan somehow manages to avoid staring at Kyle throughout the ceremony. During the reception, one of the first things he does, in an attempt to distract his sick mind from how much it craves alcohol is find Cartman and tell him just how crazy this all feels. He had the audacity to look annoyed when Stan, Kenny and Wendy doubt the veracity of all this.

"Believe whatever you want, I couldn't care less," he says, a surprisingly mature answer from Eric Cartman. "At least I have the guts to go after what I want. I can actually change and become better for the sake of something that's worth it."

An uncomfortable silence takes over after that and Cartman soon thanks them for being at the wedding, which is very out of character of him and then goes to find his wife. Stan is still reeling from the damage that Cartman's comment made, knowing it was aimed specifically at him. Being called out by Cartman feels like a punch to the stomach.

He walks around aimlessly with those words echoing through his mind for a while, eventually stopping right as he finds Kyle. It's not the first time he sees him but it's the first time he allows himself to really see him. To take him in. Kyle looks beautiful. His hair is shorter but still that same deep red color, still curly. He does look a lot like his mom.

Stan never saw it as a bad thing but Kyle always did. He assumed it was similar to how he felt about looking like his dad, maybe not that extreme. From where he's standing he can see that Kyle is talking to someone, his eyes glinting as he talks to them. From the curly brown hair and the short stature, Stan can tell it's Kyle's wife. Rebecca.

The thought fills him with dread but the type of easy come dread, like it's so familiar to him to feel this way that it doesn't even hurt as bad anymore. The sudden stab of emptiness in his chest is becoming more and more like an old friend. In other words, he's getting used to it and maybe that's for the best. If his life is not getting any better, it's best to adapt to it.

When Kyle's eyes find his, Stan takes a step back from how intense it feels for be the focus of his ex-super best friend for just one second. Kyle doesn't look upset to see him, he doesn't look angry or exasperated. In a way, his eyes soften when he looks at Stan and he gives him a very small smile. One that says "I know every horrible thing that goes through your mind and it's okay".

Stan responds to it awkwardly, as he usually does and waves at Kyle with a lopsided smile. It's getting harder and harder for him to smile naturally these days, it feels like he's forgotten how to. He tries for Kyle. When Kyle goes back to looking at his wife, Stan accepts that that's the end of the interaction and goes his own way.

He spends most of his time at his table trying to ignore how much he wants to drink. That's how he spends most of his days lately and it's depressing but not as depressing as spending his days drinking to cope with the pain. Wendy is sitting next to him on the table and they make casual conversation about the party.

Kyle comes up to them at one point, which has Stan nearly jumping out of his seat to greet him. He does get and get closer to him, can't help but. His mouth feels dry and he can't stop admiring the way Kyle looks. He's so mature now, he really seems like a thirty year old man. Stan just doesn't. He never even quite managed to feel twenty.

"K-Kyle," he greets, nervously looking him up and down. "Good to see you."

Unperturbed by this, Kyle nods gracefully and without making it weird. Stan appreciates that.

"Good to see you too, Stan."

They haven't spoken to each other in so long and it's no surprise that's it's awkward, they fall into yet another one of those persistent silences that Stan can hardly bear. It's interrupted by Wendy loudly getting up from her seat and leaving the table, turning to Stan before going with a look that screams "don't fuck this up".

Stan looks at her and watches her go, feeling helpless to do anything to stop her. He's left alone with Kyle.

"Can we talk?" he asks.

Stan nods and they sit at the table, side by side. He expects them to talk about how it all fell apart, he expects them to talk about how Stan disappointed Kyle more than he disappointed everyone else in his life. He expects Kyle to tell him why that hurt him so much, to remind him what an awful person he is and why they can't be friends.

Instead, Kyle takes a deep breath and says:

"Sam is almost two now. Can you believe he's already starting to walk?"

Stan's eyes widen in surprise but he nods at Kyle to encourage him to keep talking.

"They never tell you how time flies at this age. At one point you're changing their diaper and soon enough they start crawling around the house," he laughs like part of him is in pain from watching his son grow. "Was it the same with Andrew?"

"Oh, dude it was so... you wouldn't believe how fast he grew. I feel like he was barely a baby. I mean, he talks now. In like, full sentences too. You ever heard a baby that you watched come into the world say 'I don't like going on the swings anymore cause it makes my head spin'? Because let me tell you, it's a humbling experience."

Kyle looks at him like he understands, that's how he used to look at him. Like he knows exactly what Stan means and he feels the same way.

"It makes you feel old to watch them do stuff they used to not be able to do, huh? I felt that way with Ike too so it's not so baffling. But it's still bittersweet. They'll never be that young again."

Stan realizes Kyle is in part, talking about them. Their own desire to stay young and not have to worry so much about things. He smiles at that, genuinely because he feels the same way. Talking to Kyle again, even if not about them and just about their shared experience of being a father, feels like something finally clicking.

Some part of his life is finally being put back in its place.

"I didn't see him for some time... because of rehab. So to come back and have him," Stan blinks, trying not to cry. "Have him just be waiting for me, growing up where I couldn't see him but still waiting. It really was something."

That makes Kyle sigh and give him a very serious look. Stan wonders if he ruined their nice moment with a bad memory but Kyle looks sympathetic. He puts his hand on Stan's, the one on the table. His hand is bigger because Kyle is bigger, he's gotten older and a lot about him has changed. But Stan's body still recognizes his warmth.

His hand in his feels just like it used to.

"I'm so proud of you, Stan," he tells him and all chance of keeping himself from crying flies out the window. "Really. I am."

Stan cries but he laughs too, at the ridiculousness of it all. It's all so fucking ridiculous he feels he needs to share it with Kyle.

"I can't believe it took Cartman getting married for us to finally talk again. We must really sense it's the end of times, huh?"

Kyle laughs at that, the same way he used to laugh at the funny things Stan said. He hasn't laughed like that for him in ages and in that moment, listening to his laugh, laughing along with him. Stan feels that maybe it won't be okay. Maybe it won't get better. But at least he knows he'll have moments like this. At least he has those to look forward too.

So he may hate himself in the morning, he may fuck up again, he may ruin his own life more times than he can count. But every now and then his son will tell him something particularly smart that will make him feel like he created something amazing. Or Kenny will tell him one of those jokes that make him laugh so hard he nearly pisses himself.

And sometimes, Kyle will look at him and smile at him, laugh at him just like he used to before Stan fucked everything up. And it will feel like it's worth those horrible moments.

It will feel like anything that goes wrong next won't be enough to take those good times away from him.

Notes:

Place your bets on who's dying next chapter lol