Work Text:
After what seemed like a small eternity sitting at the end of his bed and holding Sky - not that an eternity was enough time holding Sky, but he was starting to get a crick in his neck - Prapai said, “It’s late, so let’s get some rest, okay?”
Sky nodded and wiped his eyes, then said, “Can I use your shower?”
“Are you steady enough?” Prapai asked.
“I . . . think so. I just . . . I can still smell him on me.”
His voice hitched, so Prapai didn’t bother telling Sky that he smelled fine and it was probably just his imagination. “I’ll stay with you, okay?” he said, and Sky nodded. They went into the bathroom, and Sky demonstrated remarkable dexterity by scrubbing his entire body without ever letting go of Prapai’s hand. Prapai just stood next to the shower and supported him silently until he was done. Then he helped Sky get dressed in some clean clothes. His mind was whirling at a hundred miles per hour as he struggled under the weight of the revelations the night had brought. He kept shoving them down, knowing he needed to be steady and reassuring for Sky’s sake.
As soon as Sky was underneath the blankets, he said, “Please stay with me, P’Pai.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Prapai promised him, smoothing down his hair.
Sky smiled, one of those terrible wounded smiles that looked like a mask he put on to hide the tears. “Can I ask you something? It shouldn’t bother me, but . . .”
“You can ask me anything,” Prapai said.
“How did they get the key to your condo?”
“Oh,” Prapai said, and sighed. “Because I’m an idiot, apparently. That guy told me that he wanted to bring a girl there. You know, girls would brag about seeing the inside of that condo. I didn’t really believe him, honestly. I thought he was going to throw a party or jerk off on my sheets or something. But I figured I couldn’t react until I knew why he wanted it, so I gave him the key and planned to check in after the race.”
“So they tricked you,” Sky said, and Prapai nodded. “I figured that. It’s just . . . P’Gun said you gave it to him, so . . .”
Prapai frowned. “What? No. Why would I give that piece of shit anything?”
Sky looked up at him with sad eyes, as Prapai leaned over and stroked his hair. “He said you gave me to him . . . after seeing the photos of what happened back then . . .”
“The . . .” Prapai felt like the breath had been kicked out of him. There were photos? That scumbag had taken photos? He forced himself to swallow back the rage because it obviously wasn’t what Sky needed. “He was lying.”
“I know.” Sky managed another vulnerable smile. “I told him that. I told him that I didn’t believe him. You already knew I had been with other people. I mean, if I hadn’t . . .”
“You wouldn’t have been able to blow my mind the night we met?” Prapai teased gently.
“Yeah.” The smile looked a little more genuine now. “And I thought, P’Pai’s been with a lot of people. He wouldn’t care that I’ve been with other people. You’re a lot of things but you’re not a hypocrite. I knew that. I knew it. But I still couldn’t get rid of his voice in my head, asking what if it was the truth? He said you told him to take back his dirty toy. And I thought . . .”
Prapai felt tears starting again. “Sky, baby, I would never say that. Whether what happened back then was consensual or not. Either way, it doesn’t make you dirty. It doesn’t make me want to be with you any less.”
“I know. I know.” Sky started crying again, and Prapai pulled him into an embrace. For some reason, these tears were the hardest, maybe because he was finally letting go of everything, having told Prapai all the truth. Prapai held him while he sobbed, stroked his hair and rubbed his back, murmured reassurances and waited for it to be over. When it finally was, Sky’s eyes were glassy. “‘M so tired, P’Pai.”
“Get some sleep,” Prapai said. “I’ll be right here.”
“Mm hm.” Sky leaned his head against Prapai’s chest and closed his eyes.
Prapai stared at the ceiling for a while. It was only a few minutes before Sky was asleep, so he didn’t want to move. He doubted he would get any sleep, but that didn’t matter. He would just stay right here with Sky.
A hundred thoughts cascaded through his mind. Every time he thought he might settle down, a new one popped up, reminding him of something that had happened previously that now made more sense. He had known since the beginning that something was - not wrong with Sky, there was nothing wrong with him - that something had happened to him. He had suspected for a while that it had something to do with his ex-boyfriend. He’d had a lot of theories, had even contemplated the ex being abusive, but this - he had never even considered something so awful. Sky was so much stronger than he had realized. If that had happened to him, Prapai thought, he probably never would have gotten out of bed again. Sky had recovered so much on his own that it had never occurred to Prapai that he had been a victim of something so terrible.
And now he had the context for those moments that had told him something had happened to Sky. For the moment in the dorm lobby when he’d had that shuttered look on his face. For the nightmares that plagued him. For the words ‘there’s nothing good about me’ written in Sky’s journal.
Worse yet, he could see all the ways he had hurt Sky, unintentionally, unwittingly. His preoccupation with those stupid nipple piercings - who knew if Sky had even wanted them done? He’d said Gun had done them - had he forced Sky to get them? Had he held him down and shoved the needle through his sensitive skin while Sky screamed and begged? The very thought of it made Prapai feel sick. He wished he had never even noticed the places where Sky had been pierced, let alone mentioned it. And the way they had met - Sky going along with his offer because he felt like he had to, because he didn’t have a choice - just like he hadn’t had a choice with Gun -
Prapai barely made it to the toilet before he was quietly, thoroughly sick.
At the time, it had seemed like a fun night. He’d been taken off guard by Sky’s aggression in the bedroom, and he’d enjoyed it. Most people weren’t like that, at least not with him. Now he could see that Sky just needed to remain in control of the situation. That he had figured if he had to have sex with Prapai, he would do it on his terms. But he had never felt like he had a choice. How had Sky forgiven him for that? Why had Sky been willing to even look in his direction?
There’s nothing good about me. The words kept echoing in Prapai’s brain. All this time, even after knowing about Sky’s lack of self-worth, it had never occurred to him that it was why Sky had fucked him that night. Because Sky hadn’t felt like he could offer anything besides his body. Because Sky felt like he hadn’t had a choice. No - because Prapai hadn’t given Sky a choice.
Just take what you want, Sky said, and Prapai threw up again.
His phone buzzed, startling him out of his thoughts. He glanced down and saw that it was Phayu, who had stayed to take care of the clean up. Prapai managed to get off the bathroom floor and get a quick drink of water before answering. He peered back into the bedroom, seeing Sky still asleep, and tried to keep his voice down. “Hey, how are things?” he asked, hoping he sounded at least semi-normal.
“We’re done here,” Phayu said. “How’s Sky doing?”
“He’s okay. He finally fell asleep, maybe half an hour ago.”
Phayu didn’t ask for details, figuring that if Prapai wanted him to know, he’d tell him. “I talked to P’Chai. He said he’d handle it.”
“What’s the price?”
“Just what you’d expect. You’ll ride when and where and how P’Pakin tells you.”
Prapai thought about this. “He won’t ask me to throw a race, will he?”
“No, P’Pakin doesn’t do that shit. When he says ‘how’, he just means he’ll choose the bike for you, so he can show off his best models, that’s all.”
Prapai was relieved. “Okay. Thanks.”
“Look,” Phayu said, and he sounded a little uncomfortable, which was unusual. “I talked to the guys who were there besides Gun, while you were taking Sky home. I’m letting P’Chai take care of them, too. But the thing is, they said Gun showed them pictures.”
Prapai’s emotions swung away from the self-loathing and back into rage, which he swallowed down again. He could tell Phayu was just worried, but even the mention of those photographs made him want to punch the wall. “Yeah. Sky knows there are pictures. He told me.”
Clearly relieved, Phayu said, “Okay. I don’t think we can lock them down, though. To hear those guys tell it, they’ve been in circulation for a while. I don’t know how many people had seen them, but it sounded like Gun was pretty proud of it. I took all their phones and dumped them in the river, but . . .”
“But who knows how many more phones they’re on,” Prapai agreed, and sighed. “I’ll talk to Sky about it. I think as long as he knows he’ll never have to see Gun again, he’ll be able to deal with it.”
“Trust me, nobody is ever seeing Gun again. P’Chai is pissed.”
“Well, that’s unlike him,” Prapai said, trying to see the humor in the situation.
“He wouldn’t care so much if Gun hadn’t had one of his guys impersonate a guard. But even P’Chai can get pissed, you know? And he likes Rain.”
Prapai laughed, because he knew that Chai liked Rain; he’d heard the story about Rain kicking his kidnapper. Then he winced slightly. “Shit, how is Rain? He seemed pretty upset when we left.”
“Honestly? He’s pretty messed up about it. He kept saying if he hadn’t believed that guy, if he hadn’t taken Sky to the condo, it wouldn’t have happened. And mostly he’s upset that he let Sky go upstairs by himself. I even told him that it wouldn’t have made a difference. There were like six guys there. If he’d gone upstairs, he just would’ve gotten beaten up, too. He said I would’ve noticed when he didn’t come back right away, but he’d just gotten back, and you realized something was wrong as soon as you saw him. Honestly, if he’d ended up stuck in the condo, it would’ve been longer before we realized something was wrong, because I thought he was driving Sky all the way back to his dorm. I told him all that, and he knows it’s true, but . . .”
“But this fucking sucked and he wishes it hadn’t happened,” Prapai said, and sighed. “Yeah. Believe me, I’ve been kicking my own ass for leaving him with Rain, even though I know that’s irrational. I’ll talk to Sky. I know he won’t blame Rain, so maybe he’ll be able to make Rain feel better tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
Prapai glanced over at Sky, who had started stirring restlessly. “I’ve gotta go. Thanks for handling it for me.”
“No problem. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Prapai hung up and walked back over to the bed. He sat down next to Sky and smoothed down his hair. Even still asleep, Sky turned to him, clutched at him. Prapai held him tightly and wondered why Sky found him so comforting. Sky should hate him for the way they met. Sky should’ve kicked him in the dick the first time he had turned up at the dorm. Sky should’ve called the police on him when he hadn’t given up.
“P’Pai,” Sky whimpered in his sleep, and Prapai shushed him gently, rubbing his back. “Don’t leave me.”
“I won’t,” Prapai said. “I won’t leave you, Sky. I’ll never leave you.”
Sky settled down quickly, and Prapai lay down next to him. He decided it didn’t matter why Sky didn’t hate him. It didn’t matter why Sky wanted to be with him. It wasn’t up to him to choose for Sky, and he didn’t need to understand it. Sky wanted Prapai to stay, so he would. He would spend the rest of his life making up for every way he had hurt Sky, both large and small, knowing and unknowing. As long as Sky was happy, that was what mattered.
~ ~ ~ ~
After a few hours of restless sleep and a hot shower, Prapai felt semi-ready to tackle the day. He texted Namtan to ask her to clear his schedule. Knowing that she would give him the side-eye, he said Sky had been injured - only a small lie - and he was staying with him. Whatever grief she wanted to give him over skipping work would be mollified by the fact that she, like his mother, was glad he was finally serious about somebody.
Sky slept until almost noon, but Prapai felt better after talking with him. He was again reminded of how strong Sky was, listening to him talk about how seeing his father cry made him want to get better. And more than anything else, he was glad that Sky seemed to acknowledge this strength. He knew that it had been difficult but he had moved on and started getting better long before meeting Prapai. Even as he thanked Prapai for waking him up from the nightmare, he knew his own strength had gotten him to the point where he was ready.
“Can I ask something?” Sky asked, leaning against him.
“You can ask me anything,” Prapai reminded him.
“When you said we’re ‘not going to see Gun again’ . . .” Sky pulled away so he could face Prapai. “What does that mean, exactly? Is Khun Chai going to kill him?”
Prapai hesitated, not because he didn’t know the answer, but because he wasn’t sure what answer Sky needed. “Are you sure you want to know?”
Sky nodded. “I need to know for sure. It’s out of my control and I can’t change it, but I need to know.”
“Yeah,” Prapai said, and sighed. “Yeah, P’Chai’s going to kill him. He’s probably already dead. I didn’t leave him in great shape last night so I doubt he got anywhere before P’Chai showed up.” He looked at Sky, who was staring out at the horizon with an impassive expression. “Are you okay with that?”
“It doesn’t really matter if I’m okay with it if he’s already dead,” Sky pointed out, and Prapai grimaced but had to agree. “I don’t really know how I feel about it. I mean, yeah, a part of me is like ‘hell yes’ and a part of me is really glad I don’t have to worry about him coming back . . .”
“But a part of you still misses the man you thought he was?” Prapai said.
Sky shook his head decisively. “No. I got over that a long time ago. I don’t miss that son of a bitch at all,” he said, and Prapai had to smile slightly. “It just worries me that you live in a world where murder is such a casual thing. What P’Gun did was terrible. And he would have done it again - maybe he already had done it to other people. Him being dead is justice. But the fact that you can just call Khun Chai, tell him what happened, and now P’Gun is dead . . .”
Prapai let out a breath. “Yeah. I get that. I mean, I don’t get it, but . . . I grew up racing. I’ve been going to the street races since I was thirteen. I’m good at what I do and that makes me valuable. Like Phayu, it puts me in a place where people don’t want to mess with me, which . . . insulates me, somewhat, from how scary it can be. I’m sorry if it frightens you. Say the word and I’ll drop out. I’ll never touch a bike again.”
“But you can’t,” Sky said, and then rolled his eyes. “Idiot.”
“Hey,” Prapai said, pretending to be offended.
“You already agreed to race under Khun Pakin’s conditions,” Sky reminded him. “You can’t quit now. You’re a part of that world. And I’m not saying I want you not to be. I know how much you love bikes and racing. I’m just saying . . . I like to understand things. It makes them less frightening. So maybe you can explain to me . . . killing someone always comes with a risk, even if it’s small. Why would Khun Chai do that instead of just kicking the crap out of him and warning him off?”
“Because yeah, it’s a risk, but it’s a smaller risk. What Gun did last night proves that he doesn’t let things go. Even after I beat the shit out of him, even if P’Chai did the same thing . . . he’d be back, wouldn’t he? He’s not going to let you go, and after I stopped him, he wouldn’t let me go, either. I’m supposed to be racing for P’Pakin. He doesn’t want me distracted by a scumbag out for revenge. And if Gun is stupid enough to have had one of his guys pose as a guard so he could lie to Rain about where I wanted you to go, he’s stupid enough to mess with the races in other ways, too. Secrecy and security at the races is paramount to P’Pakin, and therefore to P’Chai. He wouldn’t risk Gun fucking around with that.”
Sky nodded slowly. “That all makes sense.” He smiled slightly, not the beautiful smile that Prapai loved to see so much, but a dimmer version. It still looked amazing on him. “Thank you for explaining it, P’Pai. Just be careful in your world, okay?”
“I will be,” Prapai said, pressing a kiss against Sky’s knuckles. Talking about it reminded him of his conversation with Phayu the night before. “How are you feeling today? Are you up to seeing anybody else? You don’t have to be.”
“Then why are you asking?” Sky immediately put his finger on the fact that there might be a problem.
“If you feel up to it, and again, you don’t have to, you might want to talk to Rain. He’s pretty upset with himself.”
“Oh,” Sky said, and looked worried. “He doesn’t think it’s his fault, does he? I told him three times to just let me go up by myself. He kept trying to come with me and I kept telling him he didn’t need to.”
Prapai brushed Sky’s hair out of his face. “I think Rain knows deep down that it wasn’t his fault. But it was hard for all of us to see you like that, maybe him most of all, since he’s known you so much longer. He wants it not to have happened, so he tells himself, if he had done something differently . . .”
“Ugh, he’s so stupid,” Sky said, in a tone of voice that was nothing but fond. “I’ll talk to him. But can they come here? I don’t really want to have to go anywhere.”
“Sure,” Prapai said. “I’ll text Phayu. Maybe they can bring some food - are you hungry?”
Sky nodded, so Prapai took out his phone and texted, ‘Sky’s up and is feeling okay. He wants to talk to Rain. He feels bad that Rain is blaming himself. Can you bring some lunch? Rain will know what Sky likes.’
Only a couple seconds later, Phayu’s response came. ‘Sure. We’ll be there in a half hour.’
Prapai tucked the phone away. “Okay, they’re getting food and heading over. Is there anything you need before they get here?”
Sky shook his head. “Just hold me for a while,” he said, and Prapai was happy to oblige. He realized that he wished he hadn’t brought it up. He just wanted to have Sky all to himself today, to protect him from anything that might hurt. The conversation with Rain was going to be painful; why hadn’t he tried to put it off for a day? Or would that have been worse? Would Sky have been angry if he found out later that Prapai hadn’t told him Rain was upset?
He told himself to stop thinking about it. He had told Sky, and that couldn’t be changed. Sky had asked to talk to Rain, so they would work it out. He just hoped that it wouldn’t be too painful for either of them.
His hope was that Phayu and Rain would act normally upon their arrival, and the group of them could eat, because Sky needed to eat. But he wasn’t surprised when Rain immediately dropped everything upon seeing Sky and ducked his head. “I’m sorry, Sky, I’m so sorry - ”
Sky sighed quietly, even as Phayu squeezed Rain’s shoulder. Then he walked over and put his hands on Rain’s upper arms. Phayu backed off slightly to give them some room, and started silently unpacking the food. Prapai joined him, trying not to stare at Sky even as he wanted to. “Rain,” Sky said, “why are you apologizing?”
Rain ducked his head further. “I’m such an idiot! I don’t know why I believed that guy just because he was in a guard’s uniform. Everyone’s always telling me I’m stupid and I brush it off but nobody’s ever gotten hurt because of my stupidity before - ”
“Rain,” Sky said, a little more firmly, and Rain risked a glance up at Sky’s face. “I didn’t get hurt because of your stupidity. I got hurt because P’Gun’s an evil, sick son of a bitch. That’s all.”
“But - I shouldn’t have left you alone - ”
“I told you to leave me alone,” Sky reminded him. “Repeatedly. I said I was fine and I just wanted to get some rest.”
“But I should have known!” Rain protested. “I should have known something was wrong. I delivered you right to them!”
Sky nodded slowly. “Yeah,” he said. “You’re right.”
Phayu looked up, immediate concern and even anger on his face. Prapai grabbed his wrist and shook his head, because at this point, he had known Sky long enough to know where he was going with this. Phayu’s mouth tightened, but he didn’t intervene, even as tears started to form in Rain’s eyes.
“The whole thing was a little weird, huh?” Sky said. “Maybe you should’ve known something was off. I should’ve known something was off. I walked right into that room where they were waiting for me. I even knew P’Gun was at the race because he’d already approached me! But I was still stupid enough to go into that room. It’s my fault - ”
“No, no!” Rain protested. “Sky, of course it’s not your fault! How could you think that?”
Sky gave him a patient look.
“Oh,” Rain said, and sniffled. “You’re doing a thing.”
“It’s called drawing a parallel,” Sky said helpfully, and reached out to wipe the tears off Rain’s face, just as he had done to Prapai the night before. “Rain, you didn’t know. There was no way you could’ve known. If it’s not my fault for walking into that room where they were waiting, it can’t be your fault for driving me to the condo. Right?”
Rain tried to smile. “Right.”
“Just like it’s not P’Pai’s fault for leaving me with you while he raced,” Sky said, looking over at Prapai, who felt his stomach twist. “Or for giving that asshole his condo key after the guy lied to him. It’s nobody’s fault, Rain. Sometimes evil people do evil things and hurt other people and that’s nobody’s fault but theirs. Okay?”
Rain nodded, then said, “Well . . . I kicked him in the balls for you.”
Sky nearly choked. “What? You did?”
“Uh huh. P’Pai beat him up pretty bad but I kicked him in the balls anyway.” Rain’s voice was even now, and he sounded proud of himself. “I kicked all of them in the balls.”
“He did,” Phayu said, glancing up with a fond smile and a softness in his eyes that Prapai had never seen before he had met Rain. “He made me line them all up and then just went down the line and kicked each of them in the balls. And then he kicked Gun in the balls again.”
Prapai opened his mouth to say that it probably wasn’t the worst part of Gun’s night, then caught a warning glance from Phayu. He realized abruptly that Rain didn’t know that Gun was already in the harbor. Whatever Phayu had told him, it wasn’t that. Phayu was still trying to keep Rain as sheltered from their world as possible. So Prapai closed his mouth.
“C’mon, let’s eat,” Phayu said, gesturing to the food.
Prapai’s worry that the discussion might spoil Sky’s attitude was quickly proven unnecessary. Sky hadn’t eaten since dinner the night before, and he was clearly starving. The food had clearly been expensive, and they had gotten a lot of his favorites. Prapai noted down what he ate with the most gusto, having previously been frustrated by Sky saying he would eat ‘anything with rice’ and stymying his attempts to figure out what he liked most. Rain might not be good for much information on Sky’s history, but he clearly knew what Sky liked.
As for himself, Prapai didn’t have much of an appetite. His stomach was still sitting uneasily. Every time he thought of what Sky had gone through - some of which were things he had inadvertently put Sky through himself - nausea rippled through his gut. He had gotten some breakfast down but had thrown up half an hour later. He wasn’t in the mood for rich food, and picked at it, only eating a few bites.
When the others were done eating, Phayu kissed Rain on the cheek and said, “Why don’t you and Sky go out and get some sun while Pai and I clean up in here?”
“Okay,” Rain said, smiling.
Prapai looked uncertainly at Sky, who nodded. “Just come get me if you need me, okay?” he said, and Sky nodded again before the two of them headed for the courtyard. Prapai sighed and began to clear the plates. He had never done that sort of thing before meeting Sky, but had always cleaned up after himself at Sky’s dorm.
“Hey,” Phayu said, and Prapai glanced up. “How are you doing?”
Prapai let out a breath. “Not too bad. I mean, we had a long talk last night. He’s been through a lot but I think he’ll be okay. He’s really amazing, you know? I can’t get over how tough he is. He doesn’t look it, but . . . anyway, it’s a lot to work through, but he’ll be okay.”
Phayu nodded, then said, “Yeah, I didn’t ask how Sky’s doing. I asked how you’re doing.”
Unable to help it, Prapai thought of puking up his breakfast. “I’m fine.”
Phayu sat down on the edge of the table, letting his legs hang off the edge. “I don’t know Sky that well,” he said. “I met him a few times through the faculty, and then a few more times when he was hanging out with Rain. He seems like a sweet kid, and I know he’s really talented, and he’s a good friend to Rain. But he’s not really my friend; he’s more of an acquaintance. And even with that level of separation, what happened last night . . . I was pretty shaken by it. I don’t have the details but just the vague shape of it, and it’s so fucked up. Rain cried for hours. So I know you’re not fine, Pai. Nobody who just had to rescue their boyfriend from a situation like that would be fine.”
Prapai realized he was crying, even as he busily shuffled dishes so he didn’t have to look at Phayu. He thought of his poor, sweet Sky, withdrawing so far into himself that he couldn’t even cry. He thought of his hand against the trailer the night they had met, trapping Sky against it. Just take what you want.
There’s nothing good about me.
I’m trash. Damaged goods.
“Ah, fuck,” he said, and stumbled towards the bathroom to throw up the little he had just eaten.
When he finished, Phayu handed him a glass of water and a box of tissues. He rinsed his mouth and blew his nose, then choked back more tears. A hundred thoughts tumbled through his head, none of which were things he could say to Phayu, or to anybody. He couldn’t tell Phayu about how he and Sky had met, about the position he had put Sky in, about how Sky hadn’t cared about himself enough to say no. He couldn’t tell Phayu that in some ways he was no better than that son of a bitch who was at the bottom of the harbor.
Instead, he said, “Sky needs me to be fine, but I can’t stop puking when he’s not looking.”
Phayu winced slightly. “Look, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that. I don’t have easy answers for you, and I don’t think there’s really anything I can say that will make you feel better. I just want to make sure you don’t focus so much on how Sky is feeling that you forget to check in with yourself. Puke when you have to, scream if you need to, cry when you want to. Don’t keep it all bottled up for Sky’s sake.”
Prapai nodded and wiped a few tears away. “Thanks. Fuck, man, I love him so much.”
“I know,” Phayu said, with a slight smile. He clapped a hand on Prapai’s shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Let’s finish up in here and then go see how they’re doing.”
~ ~ ~ ~
Despite everything, the afternoon turned into an almost pleasant one. Prapai sat in the courtyard with Sky mostly in his lap, keeping his hand on Sky’s back or stroking his hair. They talked about bikes and architecture and plans for summer break and other assorted things. It felt almost normal, although the shadow of what had happened still loomed over all of them.
Rain and Phayu stayed for a few hours and Sky seemed in good spirits after they left. He leaned his head against Prapai’s shoulder and said, “P’Pai, will you take me back to my dorm?”
“I will if you want me to, but you don’t have to go,” Prapai said. “We can stay here if you don’t want to leave.”
Sky shook his head. “I know your brother and sister are here and they’re trying to stay out of the way. I want to meet them, but . . . not like this. I think it’s better if I go home for now and then you can introduce me to them later.”
“Okay,” Prapai said, then added, “My parents are eager to meet you too, especially my mom.”
“Oh?” Sky seemed a little anxious.
“My mom’s always worried about when I’ll settle down. She’s over the moon that I’m serious about someone. Don’t be scared,” Prapai said. “She’s going to love you. But that can wait a few weeks. Come on, I’ll take you home.”
Sky nodded and stood. Prapai helped him gather his things, and drove him back to the dorm, where he ordered dinner for both of them. They ate and watched some television and Sky fell asleep on the sofa, still exhausted. Prapai got him into bed and again slept restlessly, his mind still churning. At least he had been able to keep dinner down.
The next day, he was again up before Sky. He texted Namtan to say he was staying with Sky but to send him his work and he would do it on his laptop. If he had any meetings to attend, he would do it remotely. This concession must have impressed her, because she responded saying he only had two and she would reschedule them. She did, however, send him several projects to look through and return his comments on.
“Are you working?” Sky asked, when he got up, and Prapai had to nod, unable to hide it. He was afraid that Sky would be upset, but instead he smiled and rubbed Prapai’s shoulders. “You’ve taken such good care of me. Let me take care of you today while you work.”
“I mean, I’m not going to argue, but let me know if you need me, okay?” Prapai said, and Sky nodded and went into the kitchen. He made them both a simple breakfast which Prapai ate one-handed while working. Prapai quickly forgot about worrying about Sky and immersed himself in his work while Sky puttered around.
But the peace didn’t last as long as he would have wanted. It was barely two PM when he got a text with the signature logo of Pakin. “Damn, he doesn’t waste time,” he said, and when Sky looked at him inquisitively, said, “Race on Friday.”
“Oh,” Sky said.
“Don’t worry, Rain can stay with you,” Prapai said. “P’Pakin just wants to show off a new bike, I’m sure.”
Sky nodded. He didn’t seem bothered by it, but just thinking about bikes and racing and his deal with Pakin reminded Prapai of what had happened. He remembered that there was something important he still had to talk about with Sky, and even though he didn’t want to, the longer he waited, the harder it would get. He thought of Sky saying he was afraid he would never be able to bring it up again if he didn’t talk about it now, and how he had hated that but understood it.
Prapai bent his head to his work and insisted on ordering dinner for them, but found he had little appetite. Sky ate normally for the first few minutes, then said, “Whatever you’re waiting to bring up, you’d better do it before I start to worry.”
“Yeah. Sorry.” Prapai shook his head. “I wanted to ask you about something you said earlier, and I know you’re not going to want to talk about it, but I just want to decide how to deal with it,” he said, and saw Sky’s shoulders hunching inwards. Prapai ripped off the Band-Aid. “About the fact that Gun had pictures from back then.”
“Oh.” Sky let out a breath. “I don’t think there’s anything we can do about it.”
“I know that,” Prapai said.
“Then why are you bringing it up?”
Prapai realized he wasn’t sure. It felt like something they had to talk about. Knowing that other people had seen those pictures made him feel sick. But there was nothing they could do. Pictures like that, once they were out there, were almost impossible to get rid of entirely. A lot of people had probably seen them, and he was sure that people besides Gun had copies. He took a deep breath and sorted out his thoughts. “Because other people have seen them,” he said, and Sky looked down at his plate. “You told me that Gun said he had showed me pictures. So I knew that you knew he had them. But I don’t know if you know that other people have seen them. Like those guys who were there that night. I felt like you deserved to know that. I know we can’t put a lid back on that box after it was opened. But you had a right to know that he had spread them around.”
After a moment, Sky nodded and looked up. “I did already know that,” he said, “but thank you for telling me.”
“I haven’t seen them,” Prapai said. “I want to be clear on that. I haven’t seen any of them and obviously I don’t want to. I just know they exist. And Phayu knows, too, because he helped me with the cleanup. He talked to those guys and they told him that Gun had showed them the pics. A few of them had them on their phones, which he dumped in the river.”
“He didn’t tell Rain, did he?” Sky asked, somewhat anxiously.
Prapai shook his head. “Of course not. I don’t think Rain knows that Gun is dead, either.”
“Yeah, P’Phayu wouldn’t tell him that.” Sky’s hands curled in his napkin in the familiar nervous gesture. “Obviously I’m not thrilled that P’Phayu knows, but I’m glad he helped you out so you could focus on taking care of me. And I’m glad you told me. But I knew from almost the beginning that P’Gun had spread those pictures around. I didn’t notice him taking them, but he - ” Sky’s voice wavered, but then steadied. “He showed them to me right afterwards. Before I even got dressed.”
Prapai felt his temper rising, and had to remind himself that Gun was already dead. “That piece of shit.”
Sky nodded and wiped his eyes. “I didn’t think about it too much afterwards, because I was so fucked up about everything. But a few months after I got back to Bangkok, after staying with my dad for a while, someone sent one to me and asked if it was me.”
“Who the fuck did that?” Prapai asked. Was there someone else he needed to kill?
“It was actually a high school friend of mine,” Sky said, reaching out and squeezing his wrist. “One of the people who kept telling me to break up with him. Don’t be angry. Like you, he wanted to make sure I knew someone was spreading them around. But by then, it was too late. I’m sure P’Gun sent them to dozens of people.”
Prapai took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. I mean, it’s not okay, but . . .”
“For a while . . .” Sky tried to smile. “I kept feeling like people were looking at me, and I would wonder if they recognized me from them. If people walked by me and then laughed, or whispered, I was convinced they had seen the pictures and realized it was me. I’m sure that ninety-nine percent of them hadn’t and it was just my imagination. But I thought about it a lot. Even the night I met you, when you told me what you wanted, I thought . . . he must have seen the pictures, he knows I’m . . .”
“Fuck, no,” Prapai blurted out, feeling his stomach churn. “Sky, baby, I am so sorry about that. I’m sorry for everything that happened that night. I don’t know why you were even willing to look at me afterwards. But it wasn’t like that. I just thought you were cute and I was horny and I really felt like anyone would want to have sex with me, so it wasn’t a big deal.”
“You think you’re so hot?” Sky asked, and his voice was almost teasing. Prapai wanted to feel better, but didn’t. He thought he might throw up again. “I don’t know how you got around town without a second bike to carry your massive ego.”
Prapai tried to laugh, couldn’t, and rested his face on Sky’s shoulder. “I’m so fucking sorry, Sky. I’m such an asshole.”
Sky sighed quietly. “I mean, yeah, sometimes, but you’re being too hard on yourself here. You didn’t force me to do anything.”
“I did, though. I didn’t give you a choice. I didn’t mean not to give you a choice, but - ”
“P’Pai,” Sky said firmly, drawing back so Prapai had to lift his face. “Don’t get me wrong, your behavior that night was not exemplary and you definitely shouldn’t be proud of it, and I’m glad you’ve stopped being such a fuckboy – ”
“Hey,” Prapai said involuntarily, even as he knew this was true.
“But I want you to think back, okay? I want you to put yourself back in that moment - ”
“Ugh, do I have to?” Prapai whined.
“And instead of whatever I said - ”
Just take what you want, Prapai thought. Did he not even remember that?
“ - imagine I said, ‘hey, dipshit, I’m not gonna fuck you, you’re not as hot as you think you are, now climb down off your ego and either get me out of here or turn me over to the guards’.”
Prapai had to laugh at the way he phrased it. Then he paused and really thought about it. What would he have done if Sky had said that? He was just a kid who had snuck into the races. Even if he hadn’t obviously been Rain’s friend, and Phayu hadn’t obviously been interested in Rain, he didn’t deserve to get his ass kicked by Chai. “I would’ve gotten you out.”
Sky smiled and kissed him on the forehead. “And what if I hadn’t said that but you’d gotten me back to the condo and instead of trying to tear your clothes off, I’d just gone along with it passively and given every indication that I didn’t want to actually be there?”
Prapai’s stomach turned. But he forced himself to think about that, too. He’d had a few partners like that, people where he had come on too strong and realized belatedly that they weren’t into it. He had always backed off, because it was a turn off for him. He didn’t want someone in his bed if they weren’t enjoying themselves. He had just never thought about it in terms of force or assault before. His stomach settled slightly, and he said, “I would’ve told you to keep your clothes on and called you a taxi.”
“Yes, you would’ve.” Sky gave him another kiss. “I didn’t sleep with you that night because you didn’t give me a choice. I did it because I wanted to.”
“Why?” Prapai asked. “After I was such an asshole.”
“Well,” Sky said, “I hate to bruise that ego of yours, but it wasn’t about you.”
“Hey,” Prapai said again.
Sky ducked his head slightly, clearly trying to hide his smile. “Do you really want to know why I slept with you that night? You promise not to take it personally?”
Prapai nodded. They hadn’t even known each other back then. “I promise.”
Sky took a deep breath and became more serious. “I had a lot of one-night stands back in that first year of uni. I mean, you knew I was experienced, and it wasn’t just because of P’Gun. I wanted to prove to myself that I could still have sex. That I could still enjoy it. And part of it . . . was to convince myself that it wasn’t a big deal. It was just sex. I felt like, the more people I had sex with, the less it mattered, what they did to me. I mean, that was how I wanted to feel. It never really worked. I always felt worse afterwards.”
“Even with me?” Prapai had to ask.
“Yeah, even with you. Why do you think I left right afterwards and wouldn’t even tell you my name?” Sky shook his head. “You said you wouldn’t take it personally.”
“I’m not. I’m just . . . trying to understand. I mean, you seemed to be having a good time.”
“I usually did, in the moment. I especially did with you,” Sky added. “The physical connection was good, the release of tension was good. It was only afterwards when I would just lie there thinking about how it hadn’t fixed me, how I was still damaged goods and nobody would ever really want to be with me.”
Prapai reached out and smoothed down his hair, but said nothing. He wasn’t sure what he could say.
“So yeah. You had me up against that trailer and you were being an egotistical asshole and I thought, ‘I’m gonna screw his brains out and then I’ll feel better about myself’. Then I did, and it didn’t work, so I went home and felt lousy like I always did after a one-night stand. And three months later you called me and turned my whole world upside down. But I never looked back on that night and thought ‘that asshole didn’t give me a choice’.”
“What did you think, looking back?” Prapai asked.
Sky considered this for a minute. “I thought ‘that guy needs to get his ego in check’ and ‘he thinks anyone would be lucky to sleep with him’, and then I thought, ‘but then again, he did make it really good for me so maybe I was lucky to sleep with him’. And then I thought a lot of things about how you obviously just wanted to have sex with me again and I shouldn’t give you the time of day because no matter how horny I was, it would only make things complicated and make it harder to get rid of you. Which I wanted to do immediately, because you made me feel things I didn’t think I could still feel and it was very unsettling.”
“I unsettled you?” Prapai asked, unsure if this was a compliment or an insult.
“Absolutely. You made me feel the same way P’Gun did, when I first met him.”
“Oh, ow,” Prapai groaned.
Sky pinched his cheek. “I mean that in a good way. You gave me that butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling. That ‘a hot guy is looking at me, what should I do?’ feeling. That ‘I can’t believe someone like that would even look in my direction’ feeling. That’s how I felt when I first started hanging out with P’Gun, and I didn’t think anyone would ever make me feel that way again. But you’re nothing like him, P’Pai. You couldn’t be more different from him. So stop beating yourself up about the fantastic sex we had the night we met, okay? You never hurt me. Not even back then.”
Prapai took a deep breath and nodded, then pulled Sky into an embrace and hugged him tightly. “I love you,” he said into Sky’s shoulder. “I love you so much.”
“I know,” Sky said, leaning into the hug. “I love you, too.”
For a long minute, Prapai just held him. The relief of knowing that Sky hadn’t felt forced made him feel like an anvil had rolled off his chest. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, and he hoped that Sky didn’t notice them, didn’t worry about them. Sky had been altogether too worried about how much Prapai had been crying. It was as if he didn’t think he deserved Prapai’s tears, and Prapai hated that.
He managed to clear his throat and say, “Fantastic, huh?”
“It was fantastic,” Sky said, pulling away with a smile on his face. “Best one-night stand I had.”
“Same,” Prapai said. “You were fantastic, too.”
Sky made that face that Prapai loved so much, when he was clearly charmed and trying not to smile and let it show. Prapai leaned over and kissed him gently. Sky snuggled back into his embrace, and Prapai rubbed a hand over his back.
The moment was brought to a semi-embarrassing end when Prapai’s stomach growled. Sky laughed and let him go. “You’ve been making sure I eat, but have you been eating? Stop fussing over me and have dinner.”
Prapai nodded and bent his head back to his meal, suddenly realizing that he was starving. “We should order dessert. Anything you want.”
“You’re going to spoil me,” Sky said.
“Absolutely,” Prapai agreed. He reached out and snagged Sky’s hand to press a kiss against his knuckles and smiled at him, and Sky smiled back.
~fin~