Chapter Text
Miko: I'm not doing too well.
Haneesh: What's wrong?
Miko: I have this headache that comes and goes.
*Mitch enters the room*
Miko: There it is again.
Five: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi.
Zahra, summoning a Hinobi Minigun: I’m a healer, but…
Haneesh: Why are you like this??
Zahra: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since.
Mitch: All in all, a 100% successful trip.
Bergy: But we lost Miko.
Mitch: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Ridley: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby?
Ridley: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin a path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us.
Ridley: I also want to softhack his circuits.
Mitch: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again.
Miko: Ooh, somebody has a crush
Zahra: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Five. I just think he’s cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about him.
*Later that night*
Zahra, very much awake: Uh oh.
Miko: What’s it like being tall?
Haneesh: Is it nice?
Miko: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Mitch: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Miko: IT WAS ONE TIME!
Miko: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon.
Zahra: Spear.
Miko: BLOCKED.
Five: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something.
Miko, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?
Mitch: Zahra, you're my best friend.
Zahra: Best friend? BEST friend?! Mitch, I'm your only friend.
Zahra: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR BITCH ASS!
Miko: FOUR MONTHS
Five: What's she talking about
Mitch: Don't worry about it
Miko: THAT'S HOW LONG YOU KNOWINGLY WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT
Phil @ The Techs: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you’re not allowed to do it.
Mitch: I'd make fun of your height but there isn't enough to make fun of.
Zahra: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box.
Nix: Did Five say “I love you” and you said “Thanks”?
Zahra: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL–
Miko: This bloodline ends with me.
Nix: That's the fanciest way I've ever heard someone say "I'm ace".
Miko: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Five: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?
Miko: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?
Five: What? No, I—
Mitch: *enters room*
Miko: *jaw clenches*
Miko: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet.
Bergy: Why’d you get banned?
Miko: Touched the rat.
Bergy: … What rat?
Miko: Chunky Cheese.
Miko: Can you keep a secret?
Nix: Do you know anything about my life?
Miko: No, I don't. Good point.
Nix: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
Zahra: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.
*Five walks in*
Zahra: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.
Mitch: I haven't seen Five and Miko for fifteen minutes now.
*Outside a nearby window, a glitch tech van without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Five and Miko running after it in a panic. Mitch doesn't look outside at all.*
Mitch: That probably means they're getting into trouble.
Miko: i've done a lot of dumb stuff.
Bergy: i witnessed the dumb stuff.
Zahra: i recorded the dumb stuff.
Five: i joined you in the dumb stuff.
Mitch: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!
Five: Is Mitch always like this when they lose?
Zahra: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 1996.
Mitch: You bumped that table and you know it!
Miko: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
Mitch: Those are Pokemon cards.
Miko: You got a magikarp.
Mitch: ...
Miko: It means “fuck you”.
Zahra: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Five: Wow. They sound stupid.
Zahra: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Five: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
Zahra: I guess you’re right. Hey Five, I love you.
Five: See! Just say that!
Zahra: Holy fucking shit.
Five: If that flies over their head then, sorry Zahra, but they're too dumb for you.
Zahra: Five.
Bergy: Why are your tongues purple?
Five: We had slushies. I had a blue one.
Zahra: I had a red one.
Bergy: oh.
Bergy:
Bergy: OH.
Miko:
Miko: You drank eachothers slushies?
Zahra: Bye Five! Bye Miko! Bye Bergy! Bye Nix! Bye Five!
Haneesh: You said ‘bye Five’ twice.
Zahra: I like Five.
Miko: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Zahra recently.
Five: No, Miko, it's not what it looks like, I swear.
Miko: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?
Five: No! You’re the only one for me.
Miko: Is that so?
Five: I promise! Zahra and I are just dating, okay? She’s my girlfriend.
Miko: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
Five: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!
Miko: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?
Five: Of course bro!
Miko: Bro...
Zahra: What the-
Mitch: *Gets pulled over*
Cop: Papers.
Mitch: Scissors. *Resets the Cop*
Five: Come on, Haneesh. Nobody actually believes that Zahra is in love with me.
Mitch, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Zahra is helplessly in love with Five.
*Everyone raises their hand*
Five: Zahra, put your hand down.
Five: How petty can you get?
Mitch: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.
Miko: Yum, thanks!
Kidnapper: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it.
*The Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups*
Zahra, Haneesh, and Mitch: *spinning a little and talking*
Five, Miko, and Bergy: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*
Zahra: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.
Mitch: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.
Mitch: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl....
Haneesh: ....
Bergy: .....
Nix: ......
Miko: ..Who?
Mitch: That's the thing we don't-
*Everyone stares at Miko*
Mitch to Five: First rule of battle. Don’t ever let them know where you are.
Miko, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
Mitch: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought.
Phil: *stubs his toe* Hot Belgium waffles!
Phil: Wait, I'm alone. I can swear for real!
Phil: *Takes deep breath in*
Phil: SON OF A-
Mitch: Anything you say in the next thirty seconds is free, starting right now.
Miko: I think you’re cocky. Arrogant. Bossy and pushy. You also have a God complex and don’t think of anybody but your damn self.
Mitch: But, I-
Miko: Wait. I still have 23 seconds and I’m not done.
Mitch: You’re either perfect or you’re not me. There’s no gray area.
Phil: Whoever makes Mitch fall asleep will win 500 points of xp.
Miko, holding a frying pan: Where is he?
Five: How many popsicles have you had today?
Miko, lying in a pile of popsicle wrappers: "Now is not the time to talk about my flaws.
Zahra: Good morning, gays. What wisdom do you bring today?
Miko: Time isn’t real.
Mitch: Boys are pretty.
Five: Pizza is good.
Zahra: Thank you, gays.
Mitch: You all are not.
Nix: Y'all ain't.
Miko: YAINT.
Phil: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?
Five: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.
Mitch: I personally was created in a lab.
Miko: I just straight up spawned lol.