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“Namjoon, let’s end this.”
“Oh, you want to leave already?” Namjoon screams over the loud music in the club leaning close to his boyfriend who’s sitting in front of the bar counter.
“No, I meant that we need to end this.”
Namjoon stays still. He’s pretty confused right now and Seokjin’s words don't help him to understand better what is happening. He stares at his boyfriend with a naive look. What is Seokjin trying to tell him?
“Baby, how much did you drink? You feel alright?”
Namjoon thinks he’s a bit tipsy and that’s the reason why he’s saying weird stuff, but Seokjin is sober enough to mean what he says.
“Namjoon, I’m totally fine,” Seokjin leaves the glass he's holding in his hand and sighs. “I think we need to talk about something, so it’s better if we call it at night.”
Namjoon worries a little, he knows they’ve been having issues lately and things have been tense between them, he thought maybe tonight would be a great moment for them to enjoy and forget all the bad things that have been happening. He wished for tonight to be different, without Seokjin thinking about modeling or acting and Namjoon forgetting about working on music for once.
Maybe tonight won’t end as he expected.
A cold breeze hits them once they leave the place, it’s already winter and Seokjin wishes he had worn a warmer coat. Namjoon is aware of that, he told Seokjin before leaving the apartment that he should wear something that could shelter him better or he would die for being fashionable. Seokjin didn’t care and said it was fine.
It was not.
He kind of wants Namjoon to hug him all the way to their apartment, but he knows that isn't the best idea right now.
They keep the distance between them and Namjoon grows anxious, he doesn’t like when Seokjin is wary of him. It feels wrong.
They walk in silence for about ten minutes until Seokjin breaks the silence.
“I’m sorry I ruined our night.”
The younger only stares at him for a second letting out a sigh.
“It’s fine, I’m kinda tired anyway.”
“No, you are not,” Seokjin says firmly.
“Of course, I would like to spend some more time with my friends,” Namjoon speaks sweetly. “But there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to leave early. That’s fine, love.”
“You always do what I want.”
“I like doing what you want.”
Seokjin stops walking and stares at the limelight of a lamppost, barely illuminating the sidewalk they’re walking on.
“That’s the problem.”
Namjoon’s still confused, he doesn’t understand what Seokjin means or what he wants to say. He’s starting to feel stupid.
“Love, listen,” Namjoon begins. “I know we’re not at our best lately, you’re having so much success with your acting and I am truly proud and happy for you. I’m having success with my music and I know you’re proud and happy for me.” He stops for a second just to find the right words. “I know our lives are not matching right now, but baby, we’ve been together for years, five to be exact and I know we can make it work.”
Seokjin shuts his eyes and allows himself to feel the breeze caressing his face. There was a time when Namjoon’s touch felt like that, soft and tender.
“You don’t even touch me anymore.”
Namjoon opens his eyes widely in surprise. He wasn’t expecting those words to come out.
“You ask me not to.”
“Well, I- I thought I didn’t want that!” Seokjin stutters and now he sounds frustrated.
“Seokjin, you told me you didn’t want me to touch you unless you asked for it.” Now, Namjoon sounds hurt. “It pains me to have you right by my side every fucking night and knowing I am not allowed to touch you because you don’t want that anymore!”
Seokjin keeps quiet and stares at Namjoon with glossy eyes.
“I- I do everything you want me to do! I try to be patient and understanding but I can’t do this anymore!”
Namjoon starts crying and Seokjin can feel how his heart starts to tear apart. He wants to hold him but he can’t. He shouldn’t. He has no right.
“Love, I already told you I forgive you for cheating on me.” The younger says, almost choking on his tears. “I don’t care what happened, I don’t care. But I don’t know why you can’t forgive yourself.”
Seokjin hadn’t realized he was silently crying. But his boyfriend is right, he can’t forgive himself for what he did that day. He can’t forget what he did to the love of his life.
“I love you, Seokjin. I do love you.” Namjoon walks closer to Seokjin and cups his face between his hands, the elder can’t move. “Stop trying to push me away when you know you don’t want to leave me.”
There are many things Seokjin won’t ever understand and one of those is why after all he did Namjoon still chose to stay with him. It was for a whim? No, it wasn’t that. Was pity? He doubts. Was it true love? He‘ll never understand.
He still remembers how the only thing Namjoon asked was “Did you sleep with him?” and when Seokjin answered with a sincere no he just hugged him and kissed his temple. His last words that night were “Sorry for not being around so often.”
Seokjin was the only one to blame, even if he never had physical contact with the man or kissed him, he did go on dates while Namjoon was out of the city. Namjoon left for five months and Seokjin started a new drama, the director he was working with approached him and that’s when all the messy stuff happened. Seokjin wasn’t looking for a lover or someone to hook up with, he wanted company and he was scared Namjoon wouldn’t come back since that was the first time they were so far from each other.
Of course, that wasn’t an excuse for what he did, because that day when he was getting ready to go on a trip with that man he received a call from Namjoon and he realized that he couldn’t do that to him. Not his love.
He remembers how he started crying and Namjoon was so worried, Namjoon thought it was one of those calls where Seokjin will get sentimental and tell him he misses him, but instead, Seokjin said that he had been cheating on him and he needed him to come back, and he was so sorry for being such a dick.
Namjoon arrived the next day and the first thing he did was hug Seokjin so tight that the elder broke into tears, the only words he could pronounce were “I’m sorry”, and “I love you, I’m sorry for being so stupid.”
They talked all day and Seokjin explained everything, Namjoon was so understanding for his own good.
Seokjin didn’t want him to feel guilty about anything but it was inevitable. Even after what happened, Namjoon never lost his trust in Seokjin. But Seokjin lost his trust in himself.
Seokjin wants to speak and answer Namjoon’s words but he can’t allow himself to make a sound. He feels locked inside his head and the only thing he thinks about is his boyfriend. His sweet, clumsy, and pretty boyfriend. How much he loves him and how he was capable of breaking his sweet and precious heart once.
He doesn’t deserve Namjoon’s love.
“I wanna save us, but I don’t know how.” He finally says with a shaky and hoarse voice. “I don’t deserve you, I can’t even let you touch me because I feel like I don’t even deserve it.”
“You deserve everything in this world and just because you made a mistake one day, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved,” Namjoon answers looking right through Seokjin’s eyes. “You were kicked out of that shitty drama and I think that’s enough punishment for you for what you did. And that's it.”
“I wish it was that easy,” Seokjin whispers.
“My love, I’ve tried so many times to let you go, but when that happens or I’m close to saying yes when you say you want to leave, I feel like choking.” Namjoon stares at Seokjin’s plump and red lips from the cold. “That’s when I change my mind and do whatever to keep you with me.”
Namjoon caresses his boyfriend's cheek tenderly, he wishes he could kiss his sadness and fears away.
“Let’s face the truth,” Seokjin whispers. “I am terrified.”
Namjoon waits for Seokjin to keep talking and he presses his body closer than before. It’s still freezing outside.
“I’m sorry but I cannot do this.”
“Stay with me, Seokjin,” Namjoon says. “Stay with me and everything will be fine. I don’t care what you did before, I care what you’re going to do now. That’s the only thing that matters.”
The elder sighs and shuts his eyes closed, he doesn’t want to keep crying but it’s futile, he feels so overwhelmed and scared. He doesn’t want to lose Namjoon.
“I can’t,” he says so low that maybe he thinks Namjoon didn’t hear him when he doesn’t react. “Namjoon, I can’t.”
“Don’t you love me anymore?”
Seokjin’s eyes open wide and he’s afraid of answering, he does love him, of course. But, is it the right thing to say?
After a few seconds of silence, Seokjin grabs Namjoon’s hands from his face and lowers them, Namjoon seems confused for a second and then Seokjin wipes his tears with his index finger.
“It’s alright if you don’t love me anymore, Seokjin.” Namjoon’s voice is hoarse and broken, and Seokjin wants to die. “It’s alright if you don’t care about this like you used to.” The man lets out a heavy sigh and Seokjin can tell he’s feeling defeated. “Maybe you’re not mine anymore, am I right?”
The night feels colder than before, the only sound they can hear around came from the cars on the street late at night. The breeze hits and Seokjin wants to stop time just to stay here with Namjoon forever, but he also wants to run away because he can’t keep hurting him.
“I’m sorry for leaving you for so long at that time, even knowing what you were going through.” Namjoon talks slowly and lifelessly, Seokjin hates how he sounds; he isn’t like that. “You’ve been blaming yourself all this time and now we’re here. It’s okay if you want to leave.”
“Namjoon…” Seokjin tries to speak but he can’t manage a word.
“I thought we could work this out, but I failed on loving you once again.”
To those words, Seokjin can’t keep quiet anymore. “Don’t say that,” he spits. “Don’t ever say that again.”
Namjoon sighs. “Seokjin, what are we fighting for?”
“Our lives aren’t matching again,” the elder says. “And I’m scared, not because I think I can cheat on you again. I won’t ever do that, that was an awful mistake. I just can’t do it.” His voice breaks and he feels tears roaming down his face. “I’m scared that I would never be able to forgive myself and let you love me like before. You love me so much that sometimes it overwhelms me, positively. You love me to the point you were capable of forgiving me even when I wouldn’t do that.” Seokjin takes a deep breath. “Your love is enough but to me, it’s too much. I don’t deserve to be loved by you anymore.”
“You might be a great actor, but you can’t act with me,” Namjoon responds with a naive smile. “Stop lying to yourself, baby. It's useless.”
And his boyfriend is right, it’s useless to pretend that he doesn’t crave Namjoon’s touch or attention. It’s stupid to even think that he would make it out alive without having him by his side every day of his life, without knowing that he would be waiting for him every night in their bed to cuddle, talk or make love. It’s futile to think that living without Namjoon could be called living. He can’t lie to himself or Namjoon. He knows him too well.
“I am scared.” Seokjin murmurs.
“Can’t we be scared together?” Namjoon holds Seokjin’s face once again and gets closer, their noses brushing and lips trembling tempted to collide.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Joon.”
“You won’t, my love, I trust in you.”
The door from their apartment opens and the first thing that happens inside is Seokjin grabbing Namjoon’s coat before they can even get rid of their shoes. Namjoon doesn’t overthink what is happening, he searches quickly for Seokjin’s face and cups it to kiss him.
He hadn't realized how much he was craving Seokjin's affection, the need growing in his belly and traveling through his body. He needed Seokjin’s lips and his hands messing with his hair while kissing.
He was craving Seokjin’s love.
Seokjin feels overwhelmed and content, he doesn’t remember when was the last time Namjoon and he kissed each other with so much devotion and need. He doesn’t know how he could handle all these past months without having him like that, sleeping next to him almost every day and not letting himself enjoy Namjoon’s company.
Namjoon detaches himself from Seokjin’s lips gasping for air, he stares at his boyfriend with a dizzy expression, drunk on Seokjin’s kisses. The elder breathes heavily and pecks Namjoon’s lips quickly, giving him a smug smile.
“Touch me,” Seokjin says breathlessly. “Touch me, please. Make me yours.”
The younger is affected by Seokjin’s words. He feels dizzy and numb as if this is the first time they are intimate with each other. As if this is their first time.
“You’ve always been mine,” Namjoon affirms, he kisses him and the kiss lasts long. He stares at the elder one more time and Seokjin seems lost, his pretty eyes glossy and half-closed. “Nothing would change that, ever.”
They make their way to their room and once they reach the bed, Seokjin’s back hits the mattress. The only thing between them now is the layers of clothes they’re wearing. Namjoon hovers over Seokjin and searches for his neck, leaving hickeys and wet kisses.
They’ve done this so many times before, but Seokjin can’t believe it is happening again. He already knows how Namjoon does everything, but he feels like this is something new, and that fucks with his head. He’s feeling needy, hungry for Namjoon, and wanting to feel his naked honey skin.
Namjoon goes back to his lips and kisses Seokjin tenderly. Their mouths match so well and the elder might go insane at how good tastes Namjoon's kiss.
At that, Seokjin threads his finger on his boyfriend’s hair pulling a bit, feeling himself growing hard on his pants. He needs to get rid of their clothes as soon as possible.
“I need you,” the elder slurs between kisses. “I want you to touch me, do it like before.”
Namjoon groans at Seokjin's impatience and kisses him harder, pressing his erection to Seokjin’s thighs. Seokjin might go crazy at this point.
A low moan leaves Seokjin’s mouth and Namjoon grinds his hips against him, they’re hungry for each other.
“Baby, undress me.” Seokjin pants without detaching from Namjoon’s neck.
And the younger does as he’s told, in a matter of seconds they’re naked, laying intertwined and sharing hot kisses.
Namjoon grabs Seokjin's thighs and the man cages him from his hips, they’re impossible close and Seokjin can’t get enough of this.
“You want this, love?” Namjoon asks.
The answer he receives is a curt nod and a peck on his lips, the flushed cheeks and lidded eyes of his lover. He missed this, he missed making love to Seokjin.
“Make me yours,” Seokjin whispers. “And never let me go.”
There are a lot of things Seokjin won’t ever understand, one of those is how he ever thought of leaving Namjoon’s side. How there was a time when he imagined himself without the man of his dreams.
Namjoon stares with tired eyes at the man lying next to him, with long and curly hair; all messed up from making love. He wonders how he would ever live without him, the man of his dreams. Namjoon thinks it doesn’t make sense to think that there’s a world or a life where he and Seokjin wouldn’t be together. They’re each other's destiny, no matter what happened before.
They both stay silent watching each other, Namjoon caresses Seokjin's spine with soft touches and the elder only hums in satisfaction.
“I love you,” Namjoon says.
“I love you, too.”
“We’ll be alright, I know we’ll be.”
Namjoon gets closer and leaves a small kiss on Seokjin’s shoulder, he sighs and looks for Namjoon’s eyes.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to live without you,” Seokjin doesn’t open his eyes, his voice raspy and sleepy. “Because, living without you it’s not living at all.”