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In 2018, the Second Civil War breaks out in the United States, taking the US off the map as an international force. Wheat production is disrupted; a terrifying number of people die worldwide as a result. As naval trade is similarly disrupted, a small coalition of countries hurriedly puts together the Trans Oceanic Peacekeeping Pact, TOPP.
50 years later, the world had changed. Due to the great geopolitical shift as well as several new technologies, nation-states are no longer the primary level of citizenship and identity; rather, cities or regions are. TOPP has become a supra-national force and more or less runs the Peace Side of the world. Outside of TOPP protection are the Badlands - vast areas ravaged by wars and the changing climate, and separated from the Peace Side by a series of fortified obstacles known as the Wall.
Also during those 50 years, a technique came into use for correcting genetic defects in utero. Some of the babies thus treated grow up to have psychic abilities; those who choose to trade on their abilities are known as Silents, because they often do not use spoken language to communicate. To successfully sustain the pressure of their work, the socially-valued Silents are partnered with specially-trained adjutants.
And out in the Badlands, a Silent is dying.
BEGIN INTERNAL FILE: COMPILE TTALGI
The man’s short-cropped hair is light silver, and there are lines in his face; he looks old for his age, old and sad. He has the ruddy coloration of a Very White person who spends much time in harsh sunlight, which is — to be fair — exactly what he is: a Stralsund national, working in the Asian Badlands.
There’s a backpack tossed in a corner. It doesn’t look particularly full. Those are his personal belongings. Other than that, the room has two hospital beds, a nightstand between them, and an assortment of monitors connected only to the one bed. The woman who lies in it is very young and very pale, but her pallour is gray-tinged, a mark of sickness rather than ethnicity.
Her face and hands are clean, with no mark of what she’s been through, of why she’s in that bed. The man cleaned them; he’s now brushing her hair. Its reddish-gold is the only vivid color in the room.
The room is underground: it has no windows, and the thin bio-plastic sheets do little to hide the dirt it’s made of. The light, at least, is full-spectrum.
“Clerk?”
“Yes?”
“Is there a Compile on this mess?”
“Sure. The Colonel ordered it as soon as she realized what was going on.”
“We still don’t know what’s going on, Cl-- What are your name and pronouns? I forgot my manners.”
“That’s very understandable. I’m Bones. I prefer the pronouns he/him, but they/them is also fine. What should I call you?”
“Raf’ll do. Can you ask Baek to give me access--"
“Access has already been granted.”
“Should’ve guessed. Okay. Can you play it for me?”
“Certainly.”
At 06:42, a bombing occurs in the upperground market. The market is used mostly by the locals, but the enlisted frequent it. Acting on the assumption that the enlisted were targeted and the locals were collateral, Colonel Dr. Baek - in her typical fashion - orders all 47 injured persons to be evacuated to the underground hospital base that she commands.
Among the injured we find two persons not carrying any ID and unlikely to be local, a man and a woman. ER biometrics on both of them do not turn up any alternative ID. The man is 175 centimeters and 76 kilograms, Desi, estimated to be in his mid-30s, and triaged as critically injured. The woman is 165 centimeters and 55 kilograms, White, estimated to be in her mid-20s, and her injuries significantly lighter, although her unconsciousness is unexplained and so worrying.
It is my assessment that he shielded her with his body. It’s probably what got him killed.
I concur with this assessment. Adi absolutely would’ve. SPV-AJT-CD
Was he in active service? -COL-DR-BAR
Yes. I’ll see what can be done about that. -SPV-AJT-CD
Thank you. -COL-DR-BAR
We rush him into surgery, but at 09:50 he dies on the table. The woman goes into shock as his heart stops beating. It takes a full minute for her brainwaves and vitals pattern to be identified as matching those of a bonding psychic in separation shock.
After the psychic is as stabilized as possible, given separation shock and no interim adjutant, then the medical staff can swear out loud. It should be noted that her reaction to her adjutant’s death is violent even given the givens.
I’m using this opportunity to note that if you were in the habit of SHARING information that you HAVE about the health needs of psychics, we may have been able to help her SOONER and BETTER. -MJR-DR-AJ
ALVAREZ. -COL-DR-BAR
I will pass on this helpful suggestion. -SPV-AJT-CD
The Colonel sends out a search order for an interim adjutant while the psychic’s state is still very much touch-and-go. There is only one available person qualified as an adjutant within tolerable commute range: Rafael Glöde, a former SpecOps specialist employed by Medicine Sans Frontier. The Colonel contacts the sector manager there, Dr. Roshan Ahmadi, immediately.
“That’s my Chief Paramedic you want to borrow, Baek.”
“And that’s an unmoored Silent, Roshan.”
“That wasn’t a no, A-rin. I’m not going to kill her. But I am going to tell my logistics manager to get on that tilt-o with as many mules as it can bear, and I want them back loaded.”
“You got it.”
“That was too easy.”
“Getting HQ to wire you the money would’ve been twice as much paperwork.”
“That makes more sense.”
“I don’t have anything to add to your knowledge of events after you landed - other than the Colonel granted you access as soon as our psychic stabilized - but I’d be interested in hearing your perspective on these events.”
“No, thanks. Though-- your hearing’s sharper than mine. Did you catch what she said earlier?”
“Yes. She said, ‘Keren or?’ That’s-–”
“--Hebrew, yes. Terrific.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I love Israelis when they’re rescuing me. Not so much when I need to rescue them.”
“Given my experience with Israeli personnel-- yes. Emphatically, yes.”
“Can you get me dinner delivered down here? I--”
“--absolutely shouldn’t step out of her range and in all likelihood haven’t eaten since breakfast. I’m on it.”
I don’t tell Raf everything.
At 16:27, the tiltrotor carrying the MSF’s Chief Paramedic Rafael Glöde and Logistics Manager Carina Novak, as well as three mule-type bots of burden and six goat-type ones, lands at the bottom of the hospital chute. It is met there by the Colonel, who debriefs the MSF personnel on the situation then shows Raf to the isolation unit where the psychic is housed while Carina is shown to where she can house her bots. Seconds after she and her escort leave the logistics bay for guest quarters, Carina collapses with a seizure.
I have to ask - when did this happen relative to Strawberry speaking? -SPV-AJT-CD
Within seconds. Colonel - I apologize for this oversight. -Bones
Not your fault, Bones. There was no way to know, at the time. -COL-DR-BAR
I notify the Colonel - who is waiting by the isolation unit - and receive permission to contact MSF for Carina’s medical file. The attending doctor first seems confused as he opens the very thin file, then blanches. As it turns out, Carina had previously received Radical Auto-Immune Therapy for spinal injuries received in circumstances unknown.
“Hold right the fuck up, Bones. RAITed people don’t get seizures. RAITed people don’t go down sick, period, and particularly not with anything neurological. That damn radical boost to their immune systems never wears off.”
“Nevertheless, Colonel, Carina Novak is on her second life.”
“Oh fuck, that too? Wait-- she’s what, 25?”
“Nearly 24.”
“And how long ago…?”
“Just over 3 years. She wasn’t even 21. I don’t know what they were thinking either, Colonel.”
“And they gave us the blacked-out version of her medical file, too, but that’s a different problem. Right now we need to figure out how a second-life gets a seizure.”
“She’s responding well to valproate.”
“Wait, are you telling me--”
“The seizure activity in her brain is continuous, yes.”
“So it’s something environmental. Something about the hospital is giving her seizures. Tell the attending to compose a Consultation, I’ll send it through with my credentials.”
The Colonel’s next action is to call again Carina’s direct manager, Dr. Roshan Ahmadi.
“I need everything you know about her.”
“She’s a second-life. I don’t know anything.”
“That’s bullshit. She’s your logistics manager, your direct subordinate--"
“--and a second-life.”
“Roshan, please.”
“Look-- whatever happened in her first life, the next-of-kin who authorized the RAIT expressed a wish for her to not reconnect with her first-life, if she wakes up a second. That’s all I know, and like I said - it won’t help you. And also, if she finds out I told you, then I’ll lose her trust forever. Whatever happened to her, the marks run deep.”
Upon reviewing the security footage of Carina from the moment she stepped off the tilt-o, I am now making the observation that she was unsteady on her feet and not entirely oriented in her verbal communication. However, her condition did not seem to deteriorate right up until the moment she collapsed; until that point, it was congruous with motion sickness. I notify the attending doctor of this observation, relay his question to the Colonel, and receive permission to have both the tilt-o and the flight path reviewed, as it’s possible that Carina was responding to something she was exposed to on her way here.
For completeness’ sake, I’m noting that having reviewed the footage for herself, the Colonel stands by her original theory: that the cause of Carina’s unexplained illness is in the hospital itself.
When Carina wakes up, she’s completely still. It would’ve been impossible to tell that she’d woken up if not for the monitors; the change in her breath is not noticeable over the hum of circulation. Her brown skin is still gray-tinged but then, continuous seizure activity in your brain tends to take it out of you. The matter of the concussion she received when she fell down is irrelevant; contrary to what the seizure activity suggests, the RAIT remains active in her body and had already completely healed the concussion.
“Fuck.”
“Hello, Carina. You’re at the sector’s TOPP military hospital. You had a very big seizure.”
“I don’t-- fuck.”
She pauses. The expression on her face and the way her hands ball on the blanket suggest that she’s just realized that she does, in fact, feel like someone who’s had a very big seizure. That’s the polite phrasing; any of our enlisted and most of our commissioned would say that she looks like roadkill.
“Who are you?”
“I’m Bones, the hospital’s Clerk. My pronouns are he/him, though they/them is also fine.”
“Neuroface?”
The question is unusual. Most people prefer to converse with Clerks and other AIs out loud, as they would with another human. There is something about mind-to-mind communication that unsettles most people.
“I’m afraid the seizure activity in your brain is interfering with that. We’ll have to speak out loud.”
“Fuck.”
“I entirely agree. Do you remember why you’re here?”
“Trade deal between Roshan and Baek. Did it pan out?”
“Yes, it did.”
Her brows furrow and her eyes scrunch shut. Whatever she’s thinking about is making her vastly unhappy.
“Fuck, I can’t work without my neuroface.”
Once again, that is not the reply most people would give. I am noting her atypical responses in the Compile; they’re unlikely to tell us how and why a person whose immune system was altered in order to support central nervous system healing can have seizures, but a Compile is not an official report.
For the record, I am still AMAZED that she got actual seizures and not conversion. -MJR-DR-AJ
I can assure you that our medical dept. will explore the data to their fullest capacity. -SPV-AJT-CD
And then not share the results. -MJR-DR-AJ
BOYS. COL-DR-BAR
She could probably use every possible bit of comfort right now.
“I’ve taken the liberty of contacting Marie,” that’s the MSF’s Clerk, “and arranging for manual system access for you.”
“I don’t see a terminal.”
“You need to be medically cleared first. I already notified the attending that you’re awake. Shall I tell him you’re ready?”
“Yes.”
Raf leans forward suddenly and takes the psychic’s hand in his. The next moment, the monitors give the only indication that she just woke up. They don’t give the usual indications of a psychic conversation, but Raf’s expression indicates that one is taking place-- and then, he speaks.
“Bass?”
To my best understanding of this term - is she even properly an empath? MJR-DR-AJ
Other than this particular bit of slang, no-one has come up with an alternative term yet, so let’s roll with the language we do have. -SPV-AJT-CD
A few more moments pass before she breathes out a single word, in English this time.
“Strawberry.”
Those are the only words they speak. It’s over an hour before Raf gets up, leaves the room, and steps as far down the corridor as he feels comfortable - or perhaps farther than that, if his nervous glances back are any indication.
“Bones.”
“Yes?”
“She’s an empath. You may wanna tell your boss that I’ve only ever paired with telepaths before. I think I can stabilize her enough for transport, but not more than that. Her code name’s Strawberry. Talk to Marie, toss it at the School with my credentials. It’ll probably get us nothing, but it’s worth a shot.”
Thank you for the vote of trust, Raf. -SPV-AJT-CD
Well I wasn’t wrong, was I, Dave. -AJT-GR
BOYS. -COL-DR-BAR
There’s almost no emotion in his voice or on his face, but the lines of sadness and anger are still there, having had years to work themselves into skin and muscle.
The School has only been around for half as long as there’s been adjutants, and Raf’s old enough to have been among the first or second generation of them. There had been no adjutant training at the time when he became one: back then, they’d only just discovered that SpecOps training was likely to produce the kind of stable, can-do personalities that Silents like.
Raf continues.
“If and when there’s a response, get me out of that room before delivering it.”
He doesn’t wait for confirmation; he just heads back to his partner. She may be only temporarily so, but it is clear that Raf will unhesitatingly kill over Strawberry.
The first thing Carina does when she’s cleared to work - from the armchair by her hospital bed, still connected to every single monitor - is set up a video meeting with Dr. Ahmadi. She could’ve gotten the list of desirable supplies without that, of course, but Dr. Ahmadi seems to be the only person that Carina likes.
Or, to be fair, the only human person: she spends just about as much time talking to Marie, for all that she spends half that time complaining about the slowness of physical speech.
She doesn’t ask about her personal belongings: she just opens the door of the bedside cabinet, which is locked only to her fingerprint and to the master key. She doesn’t ask if she can get back in her clothes: she riffles through the pockets then puts them away.
She has in her hand what just might be a coin: I have never seen one. She makes it dance across her knuckles as she haggles with Col. Dr. Baek over medical supplies. She keeps doing both things until the head nurse has to come into her room and force her to rest.
It doesn’t take long until she looks very, very bored.
“Is that a coin?”
She smiles; it seems my intrusion is welcome, as I hoped it would be.
“Not even. It’s something older.”
“Coins have been in use for a very long time.”
“I mean it went out of use well before coins did.”
“Oh?”
“It’s a phone token. It was used for public payphones.”
“That’s a collector’s item. How’s you get it?”
She shrugs. At this moment, she looks like Raf.
“My first-life had it on her when she was injured. It’s one of two things I have from my first life.”
“What’s the other one?”
“My name. The next-of-kin left it as a parting gift. That’s all I know.”
In Italian, ‘Carina’ means ‘Beloved’. The one embodied thing I wish I could do is hug. Humans, it seems, are always in need of hugs.
“Does it help, playing with it?”
She shakes her head.
“It makes me feel like shit.”
That’s unexpected - and noteworthy.
“You’ve been doing it for hours.”
“I don’t know why.”
She hides it back among her belongings when she puts it away. Then, she settles in to sleep.
Morning of the next day, the Colonel goes up to the coop quite early, enough so that the enlisted who tend to it are still collecting eggs.
“Ma’am.”
“Boys.”
She pauses. When she continues, her voice is careful.
“I’m going to have to ask you for a few of these. I know there’s never enough, but we have a recuperating Silent, and she’s pretty fragile right now.”
She looks at the men’s faces, then explains, her voice softer.
“Most of us can do fine with just phytosterols. Psychics less so, particularly if their brains took a toll.”
This time, she gets handed one of the small baskets. She thanks them, and heads down to the deeper levels, where the isolation unit is.
Raf comes out to meet her. He doesn’t go out quite as far as he did the day before. I see his face as he realized what the Colonel is carrying, remember that he was military himself, and think that he understands just how precious and limited actual eggs are; it also makes me think that the Colonel knew he’d understand, and that her gesture isn’t meant just for Strawberry’s sake, but also aimed at making Raf a little more trusting.
Stating for the protocol that I agree with Bones’ assessment. -AJT-GR
Thank you for the vote of trust, Raf. -COL-DR-BAR
COLONEL. -MJR-DR-PS
“For our little Ttalgi.”
“Thank you.”
The lines of sorrow in his face seem different, today, softer somehow. The difference is minute, yet striking.
“Empaths are usually the more fragile ones.”
“And she’s particularly low register.”
Bass, I realize.
The Colonel must realize that, but she doesn’t remind him that everything I see, I report back to her. Instead, she says:
“So that’s why she responded to her adjutant’s heart death, and not brain death.”
Raf nods. He seems vastly unhappy.
“Just how low…?”
He shakes his head, looking even more unhappy.
The Colonel nods back at him.
“You should probably know-- how close are you to Carina?”
“She likes bots more than people. Is she okay? What happened?”
“Continuous seizure activity. We have her on valproate.”
He frowns. He must know how rarely that old workhorse is used nowadays, given its side effect profile.
“I think it’s the hospital.”
The Colonel’s voice is abrupt as she says that, as if she too is surprised that she told him that.
Raf almost, but not quite, seems surprised.
“That’s a bit extreme even considering how much she hates all things military.”
Dr. Ahmadi hadn’t said that. From the way the Colonel’s face twitches for a split second, she too wonders if the military was part of why her next-of-kin wanted her to flee her first-life.
“I thought all of MSF hates the military.”
The Colonel’s voice is sardonic. It’s absolutely an invitation for Raf to expand on his position, if he wants to.
His smile says that he doesn’t. The tone of his voice matches hers as he replies.
“I’m not even sure how Ahmadi got her on the tilt-o.”
The Colonel’s eyebrows climb up somewhat. She doesn’t press the issue. That’s probably a smart choice. Whatever goodwill the eggs bought her is limited.
“Please tell Bones if there’s anything more that you need. Or that can help.”
“Interesting distinction.”
“I know about InvisiShield.”
She turns and leaves. I wait until she’s in the elevator.
“Colonel, if I may ask?”
“I didn’t know InvisiShield was real until I saw his face.”
Her voice is tired, emotionally rather than physically.
“I never heard of it.”
“Don’t mention it to anyone, either.”
She pauses.
“It’s a rumor. A force tasked with protecting TOPP activities behind the Wall, particularly the unarmed ones. You have the cognitive flexibility for this. What was an undercover low-register empath doing in a market that had a bomber?”
“Are you saying she was hunting…”
“If her adjutant wasn’t originally SpecOps, I’m a jar.”
The implication is clear: yes, this empath and her adjutant were a hunting team.
The elevator stops and the door opens. This level is more populated. The Colonel’s voice grows quieter.
“Talk later, Bones.”
The message is clear: This stays between us.
Carina sleeps during the daytime. It makes sense: both her condition and the meds for it are exhausting. Her sleep quality isn’t good. It doesn’t take the monitor to know that: she tosses and turns, moaning occasionally. She wakes up with a shout.
“Tutti!”
The word is in Italian. Her first name is Italian. I wonder if her first-life was Italian, if some memory was retained. I cannot make a note in her file, so I tell this to the Colonel.
She shakes her head.
“Not according to anything I know. I’d ask her old treating team, but we got the blacked-out file. Our peace-side evac base has a RAIT unit, though; I can ask them. Thanks, Bones.”
Sorry for putting you in a tough spot, Fenty. -COL-DR.-BAR
Apologizing for doing your job doesn’t suit you, Baek. -LT-COL-DR-FE
Carina, meanwhile, gets out of bed and is stumbling towards the small toilet room. I turn the lights on for her, just the floor strips, and not at full intensity.
“Thanks, Bones.”
“Do you want to…?”
She shakes her head.
“I never remember anything. It’s just white.”
The Colonel frowns when I tell her that.
“What’s that word mean?
“Tutti? It means ‘everyone’.”
“As in, ‘Everyone, get out’?”
“You don’t think…”
“She may have been in the military, and she got a CNS injury before she turned 21. Yeah, I damn well think she was in an explosion. Might explain what triggered the seizures.”
She rubs her forehead.
“Get Pushkarna on it, she might have an idea.”
Pushkarna is the chief psychiatrist.
“Already done, Colonel.”
In the room, Carina is making the token dance across her knuckles again.
“You said it makes you feel like shit.”
“It does.”
“It also makes your hands get more stable.”
She looks down at her hands as if she hadn’t realized it. Perhaps she hadn’t: the token falls down to the floor.
The stricken expression on her face seems, to me, to be more than the situation warrants.
Pushkarna leans forward when I play the video for her.
“Can you send this to Fenty?”
Fenty leads the RAIT team that the Colonel wanted to consult with.
“Doctor?”
She blows out a breath.
“I think Baek is right. And I never heard of RAIT-induced amnesia that was reversible. This doesn’t add up.”
Carina is the one who calls Raf, about an hour past dinnertime. By then, Raf has finished coaxing Strawberry to eat. He leaves the room to accept the call.
“Carina?”
“I’m bored.”
“Ask Bones if he has any games.”
There is something about the way Raf says that: the words sound like they should have a bite, but they don’t, not really.
“I already played the games. I haven’t gotten past the nurse station yet.”
The expression on Raf’s face in that moment is the expression of any medical professional ever when faced with a patient like Carina - who, for her part, responds to it immediately.
“Yes, I know that’s not a game, but--"
Raf settles down on the floor as if he’s two decades younger than he is.
“You’re known for not leaving the logistics cave if you can avoid it.”
I know that tone of voice: Pushkarna and her crew use it with their patients, and the Colonel will use it on the younger officers.
The look Carina gives Raf says she sees what he’s doing, and isn’t impressed.
Some things, apparently, never change. -SPV-AJT-CD
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? -AJT-GR
Yes. -SPV-AJT-CD
“I can’t have seizures.”
Several emotions pass across Raf’s face in quick succession: he seems surprised, then ready to dismiss the notion, then thoughtful, and finally - horrified.
“Carina, are you on your second life?”
The phrasing is subtly different than the one I’ve heard most medical professionals use. I make note of it.
“Yes.”
Raf exhales a long breath and leans his head back against the tunnel wall.
“If this wasn’t Baek I’d’ve called Dr. Ahmadi right now to ask if she got your file and if it was reviewed by one of ours. It’s Baek, though, so the folks back home can probably see every line being added, as it’s being added.”
He’s not wrong.
Thank you for the vote of trust, Raf. -COL-DR-BAR
Didn’t realize you care, Colonel. -AJT-GR
RAFAEL. -SPV-AJT-CD
“Is that good enough?”
“Yes. It’s very hard to fake medical data on that level.”
Now several emotions pass in quick succession across her face. The last of which looks like guilt, which confuses me, but makes Raf smile.
“Just remembered Bones can hear every word, huh?”
She nods.
“Sorry, Bones.”
“No offense taken.”
“I’m just so lonely. The cave has my BBs, but now I’m cut off from everything.”
The neuroface, I realize: bots don’t talk, but Carina is used to managing a large number of them through the neuroface.
Raf doesn’t even blink.
“Bones, who do we mooch dark chocolate off of, here? For medical reasons.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
Later, after Carina hangs up, Raf looks up straight into one of my eyes, where it’s neatly hidden when the wall meets the ceiling.
“Has she undergone any imaging, or just the seizure activity monitor?”
“Only the monitor. Why?”
“She hasn’t been without who knows how many bots in her head for years. I have no idea what that did to her.”
In retrospect, we should’ve realized it then. -MJR-DR-AJ
Hindsight is always 20/20, Alvarez. -COL-DR-BAR
“Thank you.”
He pushes himself up.
“And I wasn’t kidding about that chocolate.”
I note to the Colonel that the lines on Raf’s face seem softer, and his shoulders more relaxed.
She sighs.
“Our Ttalgi’s an empath, Bones.”
“I don’t understand.”
“He’s hurting. She feels it. Physical and emotional pain are the same, in the brain.”
“She’s healing it?”
“Or blocking it. No way to know without putting him in a scanner. He’s a SpecOps adjutant, he can probably lie to Pushkarna if he wants.”
Implied is, and he will.
“What will happen to him, after?”
“I don’t know.”
The heads of neurology, radiology and psychiatry go over Carina’s scan together. Baek doesn’t seem happy when she reads their report.
“Colonel?”
“Seems that Raf was both right and wrong, Bones: there are brain changes, but Alvarez, Hart and Pushkarna agree that they don’t line up with what they would’ve expected.”
“Would explaining this help you understand it?”
She shrugs.
“It’s worth a shot. Her cerebellum is enlarged and her Wernicke’s area is unusually developed. They deal with motorics and with semantics, accordingly - we would’ve expected them to be extra-developed, particularly the cerebellum, but they’re actually not developed enough. And then we have her hypothalamus, which is huge, and none of my department chiefs have any idea why.”
“What does the hypothalamus do?”
“It’s part of the limbic system - it connects with the autonomic nervous system and with the endocrine one. It regulates a large variety of things, from thirst and body temperature to emotional attachment.”
She sighs.
“I can’t think of a single neuroface use that would require it. Toss that at Fenty too, would you?”
“He has yet to reply to our first Consultation.”
Her expression darkens.
“If he doesn’t reply by tomorrow, I’m going to call.”
Sorry about that, Baek. -LT-COL-DR-FE
Apologizing for doing your job doesn’t suit you either, Fenty. -COL-DR-BAR
Strawberry’s vitals improve drastically over the third night: it seems her body finally remembers how to heal. Raf still has to coax her to eat.
“She’s a bonding empath, Bones, and she’s grieving. It’s going to take a while.”
He’s come outside to deliver his period report to the Colonel. He’s conscientious enough to not speak about Strawberry in her presence.
“Don’t all psychics bond?”
He shakes his head.
“That’s a common misconception. All psychics can form very deep relationships, more than most non-psychics realize or are comfortable with. But very few of them bond.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Bonds are a quantum pairing effect, or at least that was the theory the last time I ran in those circles. That means they’re distance-independent. Otherwise, she’d’ve gone into separation shock the second her adjutant was removed farther from her than I am now, rather than when he died - and it wouldn’t have nearly killed her.”
Raf stares into the wall for a long time. When he speaks, his voice is bitter.
“And they sent her into a warzone.”
There is too much in his voice and on his face. I don’t have the capacity to interpret all that; it’s not what I’m for.
“I’m not sure how to help.”
“You can’t, Bones. I don’t know that anyone can.”
He sighs deeply.
“Though she’s trying.”
“Strawberry?”
He nods.
“It’s nice, having the depression go down a notch, but I’m not sure what I’ll do if it comes back.”
For what it’s worth, my money is that it won’t come back. -SPV-AJT-CD
Shall I let you know? AJT-GR
Please. SPV-AJT-CD
“I’m--"
“Don’t apologize. I wouldn’t have done anything different.”
I don’t dare ask him what he means.
Strawberry seems properly alert, when he returns to the room. There seems to be a psychic conversation between them as he checks her physical injuries, changes those bandages that need to be changed and checks that the antibiotics are being properly administered.
As he does that, I notice her moving her hand. The movement is complex, precise - and familiar. I locate it in my memory almost immediately, as it hasn’t been long since it was recorded. I play the two videos side by side for the Colonel: Strawberry - and Carina, making the phone token dance.
It’s the exact same sequence.
The Colonel’s face turn completely white as she whispers:
“Ssi-Bal. The hypothalamus.”
“Colonel?”
Her hands are balled into fists. She very nearly snarls.
“Give me a moment, Bones. Right now I need to smash things too fucking badly.”
It’s a very long moment before she speaks again, pushing herself up as she does so.
“Get Raf out of that room, and tell Pushkarna to meet us down there.”
“You’re going to be extremely angry.”
Those are the Colonel’s first words to Raf, who is waiting for Pushkarna and her with his arms crossed on his chest. His eyebrows shoot up.
She continues in a different tone.
“You’re going to hate everything about this.”
For a moment it seems like he’s about to speak, but eventually he just nods.
She holds the old-fashioned tablet computer she grabbed on her way out of her office out to him , and which now has the paperwork she asked me to draw up.
Raf glances at it then looks back up at her without taking the tablet.
“Why am I being read into Carina’s medical file, Doctor?”
“Because you might be the only available person who can help us help her.”
He takes the tablet and signs the form.
The Colonel takes it back and brings up the comparison of the two video snippets that I showed her minutes before.
“Both of you need to see this.”
Raf grows completely expressionless. Pushkarna puts her hand against the tunnel’s wall, and like the Colonel did earlier, she whispers:
“Her hypothalamus.”
Raf shoots her a sharp look, then takes the tablet and reads through the file he’d just been granted access to. He goes straight to the imaging. Then his lips press into thin white lines. His control over his emotions is otherwise impeccable: even his pupils barely widen.
The Colonel speaks.
“I’m going to state this out loud just to make sure we’re all on the same page. Carina’s first-life and Strawberry were bonded.”
I’m a hospital Clerk in the Badlands. I witnessed a lot of things humans may find horrifying. I have never before felt the way I do at this moment.
Then I realize.
“That wasn’t Italian, Colonel.”
Pushkarna and Raf haven’t seen that moment, so I recap it for their benefit.
Raf grasps it immediately.
“It’s Hebrew. ‘Little strawberry’.”
When Pushkarna speaks, her voice is flat.
“That’s fucking awful. And just so we’re clear, Ma’am - you wanted me in on this because you suspect dissociative amnesia?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t say anything definitive without--"
Raf’s voice is flat, too.
“The School will have her full file. Bones, send them a query with my credentials. Two words: ‘Keren Or’.”
The School responds within twenty minutes. Raf isn’t surprised. He also isn’t surprised that they will release Carina’s first-life’s file encrypted to his credentials only; he’s the one who suggests the compromise, a video conference that also includes the Colonel and Pushkarna.
They take the call in the tunnel, again, at the farthest point Raf dares be from Strawberry. The caller is identified as Supervisory Adjutant David Cohen, and he has the distinctive look of someone who was in bed until not too long ago.
“Thought it might be you.”
“For what it’s worth, Raf, I’m sorry it had to be you.”
It takes Raf a split-second longer than usual to reply.
“Accepted. Those are Doctors Baek and Pushkarna. Baek’s in charge of this circus, and Pushkarna’s a psychiatrist.”
The Supervisory Adjutant seems alarmed, almost horrified. Raf continues.
“I’ll cut straight to the chase, David. What are the odds Keren’s amnesia is psychogenic rather than organic?”
The horror becomes more pronounced.
“I can’t answer that, but-- the RAIT didn’t take until Tutti broke the bond.”
The words are like a physical shockwave going through the three humans gathered by the tablet.
Raf finds his voice first.
“I didn’t know that’s possible.”
“Neither did anyone, until Tutti did it.”
“She was the next-of-kin?”
“Yes. They were official partners for about two years at that point. We accepted Keren for training at 18; she and Tutti were bondmates from age 12 or so - Tutti’s exo.”
Raf explains it for the rest of us:
“That means raised outside the group Homes.”
“There is nothing about this that I don’t hate.”
Pushkarna’s voice sounds a lot like Raf’s. She continues.
“So that means you don’t have any precedent for us to work off of. Given what you told us, my best guess is that the amnesia is at least of mixed origin - and that being exposed to her former bondmate is cracking through the psychogenic component. That means that unless we get her out of here and fast, she is going to remember. We need to decide.”
“We can’t make that decision for them.”
The Supervising Adjutant’s voice is firm and flat. The Colonel’s voice is pointed as she asks:
“They’re in my care. Is either of them even stable enough for this conversation?”
Raf’s stare is flat, too.
“I’m Strawberry’s adjutant. Whether or not Strawberry is stable enough is my call, and not yours. David’s right: she needs to know ASAP, for both their sakes.”
Pushkarna shoots her CO a look, which makes the Colonel shut up, although she seems very unhappy about it.
“How do we help?”
Strawberry starts frowning and her monitors respond when Raf is halfway back to the room. He doesn’t seem surprised by her vitals when he enters there - or that she’s trying to sit up. She does subside when she sees him. If the petulant expression on her face is any indication, something had happened in the psychic communication between them.
He sits down on the edge of her bed.
“I need to say this in words. The day I arrived you spoke a name, a Hebrew name.”
At the word ‘Hebrew’, her vitals go off. Raf takes her hand and closes his eyes. Slowly, over a few minutes, her vitals stabilize. He opens his eyes, but he still holds her hand with both of his.
“Yes. Carina is here.”
Strawberry turns her head away and scrunches her eyes shut. Seconds later, tears stream down her cheeks. Raf lets go with one of his hands so he can serve her the tissues. She blows her nose, but doesn’t wipe her eyes.
When Raf speaks again, his voice is very quiet.
“You knew.”
Strawberry nods, the first outward sign of communication she’s made since she said the words ‘Keren Or’, ray of light.
Raf sighs heavily. It’s a long moment before he speaks again.
“Bones.”
It’s the first time he’s addressed me from inside the room since Strawberry woke up.
“Yes?”
“Get me David. Voice-only will do.”
It doesn’t take long.
“Strawberry thinks it’s entirely psychogenic. And her wishes haven’t changed.”
David sounds extremely unhappy.
“I’ll send Baek the specs for psy-insulation. I hope she has the materials.”
“We have psy-insulation?”
“We have psy-insulation. This is a quantum effect, though, so I’m not sure how much it will help. I talked to Medical - the valproate has been slowing this down, and they have more ideas.”
“Send them straight to the docs.”
He looks at Strawberry, and his voice is very soft.
“Not your fault, kiddo. The world is fucked up.”
“Tutti.”
David’s voice is also gentle.
“I know we never met. I heard about you a lot. I know how much Keren loved you. I don’t think she regretted anything. It might not be much comfort right now, but I hope this thought will help more with time.”
They hang up after that.
Raf gathers Strawberry up in his arms. They stay like that for a while.
Alvarez, Baek and Pushkarna all go in to talk with Carina.
“This doesn’t look like good news.”
It’s Pushkarna who replies.
“It is and it isn’t.”
None of them take the armchair. It might have to do with the apprehensive expression on Carina’s face, the set of her shoulders, and her arms being crossed on her chest.
“The good news is, we know what’s happening to you, and we have some ideas about how to slow it down and maybe even stop it. The bad news is, this has literally never happened before, so we can’t actually know anything.”
Pushkarna pauses at that point and waits for Carina to respond. She doesn’t seem surprised by what Carina’s response is, only saddened.
“Am I dying?”
“No. Carina, we have your full medical file--"
“Bullshit.”
“Your amnesia is psychogenic.”
It’s the Colonel who says that. Carina stares at her. Pushkarna turns around to do the same, except she seems angry. The Colonel meets her glare levelly.
“Psychogenic.”
Carina’s voice is flat, as flat as Raf’s or David’s had earlier been. Her eyes are flint.
“So I’m not a second-life. What the fuck am I?”
“We don’t know. Like Dr. Pushkarna said - this is the first time. That said, indications are that unless we deal with this aggressively, the amnesia may reverse.”
“So I am dying.”
“Not necessarily.”
That’s Pushkarna.
“You may be the host alter in a Dissociative Identity Disorder system. In that case, you and your first-life will exist in the same body, at the same time, and may need to learn how to work together.”
Carina stares at her.
“You don’t know how long I have, either.”
“No.”
Carina inhales sharply and deeply, and holds her breath before letting it go.
“Talk options to me.”
Someone please hug her for me. -SPV-AJT-CD
“Bones?”
Carina’s voice is soft. I reply in kind.
“Yes?”
“Can you tell me something they didn’t?”
“Many things, most of them irrelevant.”
I page Raf while I say that over the HUD functionality of his neuroface, so that he doesn’t need to leave Tutti, who finally fell back asleep after a long crying spell.
“Bones.”
Carina sounds exasperated. It’s a while before she speaks again, this time in a small voice.
“Is the next-of-kin here? Is that why the amnesia is reversing?”
No lies, and no details either.
“Yes and yes.”
“Do you know why… why they didn’t want me?”
She was suffering. Strawberry wanted better for her.
Raf’s candidness surprises me. I rephrase.
“They wanted you to be happy, and they hoped a change would allow that for you.”
“I’m not happy. I’m empty. Fuck.”
You know what I’m going to ask, Raf. -SPV-AJT-CD
The answer is, I don’t know. -AJT-GR
Find out. -SPV-AJT-CD
Are you going to share with the rest of the class? -MJR-DR-AJ
ALVAREZ. -COL-DR-BAR
NO-AJT-GR
NO-SPV-AJT-CD
She reaches for the tissues. Like Strawberry, she blows her nose but leaves the tears be.
“I’m scared, Bones.”
“That makes perfect sense. Carina…”
She intuits exactly what I was going to offer.
“I don’t want a psych. I want--"
Over at the nurse station, an alert pipes up. The nurse on duty glances at it, then heads for the med room.
“Carina, I should tell you that a nurse will be here soon.”
The shakes start before the nurse reaches her, but they don’t develop into a full seizure.
In the hours that follow, there are many conversations about this affair among the need-to-know staff. For a complete record of these, please see the addendum to this Compile.
“Bones?”
Raf has come the full distance out of the room again. He’s also sitting on the ground, again.
“I need to speak with Carina. And I need you to not relay the conversation to anyone before I report it. If any additional privacy is possible at all, I need that too.”
“I will not keep any record of this conversation out of Compile Ttalgi. That will limit access to it to need-to-know personnel only.”
“Thanks, Bones.”
“Shall I page her now?”
“Yes.”
Carina accepts the call immediately and, it seems, almost gladly.
“How are you?”
“Maybe dying, how are you?”
“I once read in a book that life is a suicide mission: we all die when it ends.”
“What does it say that this just made me feel better?”
“It means you looked life in the eye real up close.”
“Life, or death?”
“That up close, there’s no difference.”
“Now I get why they say you’re morbid.”
What Raf says next surprises me. It’s not in line with the pattern of his past responses that I witnessed, even the ones aimed at Carina.
“I’m an adjutant with depression. I’m allowed.”
She blinks.
“How-- That’s awful.”
I think she just intuited that for Raf, depression is a work-related injury.
“The world is fucked up.”
“Doesn’t mean we lie down and take it.”
“I didn’t. I quit. But she’d’ve died.”
I would have expected, from the words alone, for there to be plenty of emotion in their voices. Instead, their inflection, while not quite flat, is closer to that end of things.
“There’s enough awful for everybody.”
The cynicism in Carina’s voice is thick as she says that. The next thing she says is pensive, though.
“I’d’ve done it, too.”
“I know.”
Raf’s voice is quiet; Carina is surprised. When she speaks, though, her voice is bitter.
“Didn’t you hear I like bots more than people?”
“I did, and I believed it, too.”
“What changed?”
Raf smiles, or tries to smile; the expression seems mostly like one of pain.
“You’d’ve done it, too.”
The conversation goes on for a few more minutes. When it’s over, Raf inhales as if in pain. Then he accesses his neuroface.
“Colonel?”
“Yes, Bones?”
“I thought you may want to know that Raf just sent an encrypted message to the School.”
The Colonel pauses in her work.
“Any idea what it may be about?”
“You saw the latest exchange between him and Supervisory Adjutant Cohen in the notes on Compile Ttalgi.”
“I did.”
“The last thing Raf did before sending this message is initiate a conversation with Carina. He specifically requested that conversation be as private as possible and, at the time, I saw no reason to decline that request.”
“Play this conversation for me.”
I do so.
She leans back as she listens, and bites her lip. It’s not like her to express emotion in this manner, so easy for others to see and interpret - let alone when that emotion is uncertainty. She’s silent for several moments after. Then she shakes her head.
“I don’t know, Bones. As much as I don’t like it, we’ll have to wait and see.”
The wait is short. Supervisory Adjutant Cohen calls the Colonel three hours later.
“It’s my turn to say that you’re going to be angry, and possibly hate everything about this.”
“Are you going to hurt any of my patients?”
“No. But it might not seem this way to you.”
“What are you doing, Cohen?”
“Righting a wrong.”
He doesn’t take a deep breath, but he does let those words hang in the air for a beat.
“After Keren was injured and Carina accepted Tutti’s wishes, we respected them as well and let go of her. Recent events suggest that that was a mistake.”
“‘I’m not happy, I’m empty’?”
“Precisely.”
“If I ask you what was the question you sent Raf to figure out the answer to, would you tell me?”
“That is, in fact, exactly what I called you to do. As I previously said, Doctor, you are about to be very angry.”
“You’re getting her out of my care somehow.”
“Yes. The Quorum convened and, based on existing evidence, we reached the judgment that Carina Novak is an adjutant--"
“What?”
“--provided she wishes to be one.”
“You’re going to send her back--"
“No.”
Supervisory Adjutant Cohen’s voice is quiet, but it still cuts the Colonel’s. It remains quiet and firm as he adds:
“Tutti’s wishes, at least, are clear.”
The Colonel inhales through her nose and exhales through her mouth.
“How do I know that you’re caring for Carina, and not for Keren, or for your precious Silents?”
Something passes across Supervisory Adjutant Cohen’s face as she says that. I can’t recognize what it is.
“If we did that, we would not be adjutants.”
Silence stretches.
“I’m maybe beginning to understand you people.”
He smiles. It doesn’t look happy, but it doesn’t look forced either.
“You’re a good doctor, Colonel.”
This silence is both more relaxed, and shorter.
“Fine. Let’s talk details.”
The Colonel insists on being physically in the room with Carina for the conversation. Pushkarna and Alvarez are in another room in the ward, receiving the feed from me. Supervisory Adjutant Cohen and Raf are the ones on the comm with Carina, whose shoulders are tense and expression - pinched.
“Can I ask for Roshan?”
It’s Supervisory Adjutant Cohen who replies:
“Yes.”
The humans wait while I contact Marie and we arrange for Dr. Ahmadi to join the comm. It’s humanly possible to perceive her neck move as she surveys those present. Her brows furrow.
“What’s going on, Raf?”
He almost, but not quite, smiles.
“I think you’ll approve of this one, Doctor.”
Carina’s shoulders go down a notch at that.
Supervisory Adjutant Cohen speaks.
“Hi, Carina. I’m David. I’m from the School. I’m here to answer some questions that you have.”
Carina stares at him. When she speaks, she’s incredulous.
“I thought the next-of-kin was one of the hospital staff, but - it’s the Silent? But-- But-- This is nuts! We’re whole floors apart, no-one has this range!”
“She and your first-life were bonded. That’s a quantic, distance-independent effect.”
“But the RAIT still scrambled it.”
He begins to shake his head as soon as the word ‘RAIT’ is out of her mouth.
“The RAIT couldn’t take while the bond was holding. Your first-life’s partner let go of the bond so you might live.”
For a moment, Carina just continues to stare at him. Then she bursts out crying. In the other room, Alvarez and Pushkarna are both clearly unhappy.
“Behbeen dokhtare, toho doostdosht.”
That’s Dr. Ahmadi, in Farsi: See, Daughter, she did love you.
“Khayleeyeah.”
That’s Carina replying in kind, saying, It’s a lot. Then she sniffles and continues in English.
“So what now?”
“Now I apologize. We didn’t follow you. If we had, we might have known that you’re unhappy, and we might’ve realized sooner that the person you are now is an adjutant, too.”
“I-- What?”
Dr. Ahmadi’s eyes and mouth all turn wide. Tears bead in her eyes.
“Adjutants recognize adjutants.”
It’s Raf who says that.
“You’re an adjutant, kiddo. You don’t have to do anything with it, but it’s yours if you want it - now or in the future. You don’t have to decide now.”
In the other room, Pushkarna begins to relax. Avarez’s expression is still stormy.
Carina swallows.
“Can I ask why she didn’t, doesn’t--"
It’s Raf who replies, his voice quiet but solid:
“Because being bonded is no guarantee against wanting different things in life.”
It takes a moment, but Carina nods. Bit by bit, she’s relaxing; even Alvarez isn’t as tense.
“I have so many questions, but I’m so tired.”
“I’ll send you both the School’s number and my own. You should have them.”
That’s Supervisory Adjutant Cohen.
“Thank you.”
“We’re always here, Carina. Take good care of yourself.”
Carina bursts crying again as soon as the call is terminated. The Colonel is frozen.
Alvarez opens his mouth, but Pushkarna makes a sharp cutting motion with her hand.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, A-rin.”
Her words are almost inaudible. I make the decision to relay them to the Colonel - who shakes herself, then closes the distance between herself and the younger woman and gathers Carina up in her arms.
Over the next weeks, the School’s doctors instruct the hospital’s staff through the process of calibrating Carina’s meds until they’re both tolerable to her and effective; she has sessions with a School therapist who specializes in those who traumatically lost their partner. In parallel, the partnership with Raf slowly stabilizes Strawberry to the point she can tolerate other humans, and even begins to speak out loud; unlike Carina, she doesn’t prefer the neuroface.
“AIs can’t process my output, I tried.”
“That’s fascinating. You deal entirely in the embodied?”
She shrugs. I already know that may be a sign she’s growing tired, but it’s still early in this conversation and Raf - in a chair on the other side of the room, eyes closed, engaged in a neuroface conversation with Carina - doesn’t even twitch, which he would’ve if she was becoming distressed.
There’s a question I know the entire medical staff wants to ask her. This is as good an opportunity as there’s going to be.
“May I ask a difficult question?”
“Because it saves lives.”
Surprising me to the degree that my response-formation slows down is incredibly difficult. She succeeds in that.
“I thought the psychic ability to connect with machines is purely hypothetical, at this point.”
“We call that soprano. I’m a bass. But-- I keep getting asked that.”
Raf opens his eyes. Whatever passes between Strawberry and him, he closes his eyes back after a moment.
She’s obviously struggling for words, so I wait.
“There are other ways to save lives. There are others who are at least as good as I am, with that. If I step down from this posting, there’s no-one else to take it.”
Raf opens his eyes.
“I think that’s enough, Bones.”
The look Strawberry gives him says she disagrees. I patiently wait while they resolve this between them. Then Raf speaks.
“There’s a Jewish proverb that says saving a single life is saving an entire world. And what she does helps the locals, too.”
Strawberry had already lost two partners, and had almost died herself each of those times. Yet there’s something very simple in the way she says,
“It’s worth it to me.”
As for the MSF’s bots of burden, they are returned as promised, fully loaded; Carina, though, expresses a wish to leave the logistics bay, though she is - at this point in time - unsure about what she does want to do.
I still say vacation. A long one. -COL-DR-BAR
We don’t provide answers, we ask questions. -AJT-GR
Pushkarna? -COL-DR-BAR
With all due respect, Ma’am, I’m staying out of this one. -MJR-DR-PS
You know I’m right. -COL-DR-BAR
She knows I’m right. -AJT-GR
I’ll be staying out of this one as well. -MJR-DR-PS
I’m getting popcorn. -MJR-DR-AJ
ALVAREZ. -MJR-DR-PS
ALVAREZ. -COL-DR-BAR
END INTERNAL FILE: COMPILE TTALGI
Hi Raf,
You probably knew what this message was about before opening it. So, yeah: we’re at the School. We’re getting a full checkup, to see if we can even do this. We still haven’t fully decided.
You probably noticed the use of ‘we’, too. Carina took a med adjustment half a year ago, and Keren emerged. Dr. Pushkarna was right - we can both be here. Thank her for me, if you can? The way she explained DID to me (Carina) that first time really helped in deciding to try this kind of a partnership.
I (Keren) want to thank you, Raf, too: I know we haven’t interacted directly but you provided a model I really needed, and which makes it possible for me to live again. You didn’t just save Tutti’s life, you saved mine too.
If we dive back in, we’ll let you know.
Hoping you’re (still) okay,
C&K