Chapter Text
As soon as I see the main entrance of the building I entangle my arm around Robert’s, tightly, afraid I’d fall and make a fool out of myself. He reassures me with a cheeky smile and looks straight into the flashes and cameras that surround the place; journalists and paparazzi eager to find some celebrity of the month, or some juicy gossip they can exploit on page six over the course of the week.
I take a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for the circus. I’m reminded of a wounded fish, my blood running through the sharks’ nostrils. Hungry, they are. But so am I, so I put on my shark costume and step into the room filled with celebrities, editors, critics and everyone that matters, with one of the board members of the biggest publication house in New York by my side.
I’m wearing De la Renta so nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong.
But then our eyes meet.
I feel her icy blue eyes staring back at me from across the room, amongst the people, amongst the shark and the pray, and it feels like no time has passed and a century has passed all at once. It’s familiar and unfamiliar; it’s hot and cold; exciting and terrifying. My entire body reacts to her suddenly and without warning, and I feel like my old self again, afraid, nervous, blushed. She looks at Robert for a second but focuses on me.
Time has stopped. The only thing that matters is the way that her deep purple almost black dress contrasts her pale and delicate skin; the way the she seems to carry the spotlight everywhere she goes, her face and hair shining brightly, making everybody else mere background noise.
I look at her blue eyes and I realize.
It’ll always be her. I don’t know if she loved me, if she even liked me, but I do know I love her now, maybe too much. I know I’ll never feel like this again. And even if that was the end, I’m certain I’ll keep thinking of her, I might even start loving her like I never thought I would. Selfless, devout.
And by the looks of it, I think she knows. She always knew.
“Andrea!” Calls Robert, forcing my eyes to leave Miranda’s. “Are you listening to anything that I’m saying?” He asks, with his ever present detached and handsome smile. When I look for her again, she’s not there anymore. “Come with me, let me get you a drink. You need it after that.” He says looking at where Miranda was just a second ago.
I let myself be carried away by him as I try to breathe normally.
“Miranda girl! Long time no see.” Robert says as he sees me arrive at the café. Her name makes my body react but I get over it pretty fast. I sit in the chair opposite him with a smile on my face. I breathe in the contaminated New York air that I’ve missed so much.
“Hello to you too.” I say, sympathetically. For a moment I’m concerned that he will take this as a date given our past, but he seems relaxed and business-like with his Armani suit and the constant smirk on his face.
“Gotta say, my feelings were a little hurt when you didn’t reply to my texts.” He says pouting like a child. I am about to say something as a form of excuse but he stops me, good-naturally. “But going unannounced to Paris and then becoming famous is as good of an excuse as any, so no hard feels.”
“Still, I’m sorry for that. And I wouldn’t say famous…” He makes a forget-about-it face that I appreciate. The waiter comes with coffees and a whole brunch so I take it that he ordered for both of us.
“Let me get straight to business, Andy, if that’s alright.” I nod and take a bite of the avocado toast. It feels so familiar it almost makes me cry. Two days ago I was in Paris and it was great, but nothing feels like home more than a late brunch and a negotiation with some babyman in a suit that you’ve had sex with. “I read your resume, and some of the things you’ve sent and I do think that you’re actually kind of perfect for this job. Honestly you might even be overqualified, if that’s even a thing.” I look at him with a playful suspicion.
“I do not think I’m overqualified. I’m very interested in this position, actually.” I say, even though I know I am overqualified, of course. I look at him and I’m assaulted by our night together. How awful, how wonderful it was. How strange it was to think of her while I was with him. How sick and fun that he knew that too.
“Why is that, though? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the job is yours if you want it, so let’s get that out of the way. I’m just curious. Because, say what you want, but you’ve gained some fame with your articles in Paris, but also here. So, you are in a position to ask for a bigger title than just some writer for this brand-new unknown magazine.”
“Paris was good.” I start and take a sip of my black coffee that he suspiciously ordered just right. “But I just love New York and I love to write, and I think the best thing for my credibility right now is to do it in an underground new magazine like Tótem.”
“Well, then, Miranda girl. The job is yours.” I smile widely and I feel like everything is falling in place.
I exhale and get a sense of nostalgia looking at the streets. I remember when I would run through the city, back and forth, desperately trying to accomplish some random task for Miranda. How naïve I was, how dreamy and unexperienced. Now, as I stare at the same streets I feel old. I feel changed and new. I look back with sympathy. “So… Again, the job is yours so no worries, but... what do you think Miss Priestly will think? Her little protégé working for some eco bullshit, fuck fast fashion magazine?”
“I don’t think she thinks of me at all.” I say, even if I hope it’s a lie. I hope she thinks of me all the time. I hope she dreams of me as much as I dream of her.
“I think you would be wrong about that.” I almost choke on the cold coffee, but he didn’t realize. I feel my pulse rise with that silly old hope.
“Why is that?” He looks at me as if trying to decide whether to tell me or not. He snorts and decides to avoid the subject. I let it slide with a heavy heart.
“Next Friday. Are you free?” I laugh, somewhat surprised by the change of subject.
“You know, this is not a date.”
“C’mon, Andy, don’t spoil the fun. Friday is your girl’s big Runway birthday party and you’re coming with.”
“Am I now?” I say, smoothly, playfully.
“Yes. Miranda needs to see this, and you need her to see you with me.”
“And what is this exactly?”
“You’re in the big leagues now, doll.”
The big leagues.
I arrange my dress and fix my makeup, feeling grown up and relaxed. My reflection doesn’t betray me this time.
I leave the bathroom and I find Robert talking to another woman. Diane. I swallow. I look at them from a few meters away and try to decide if I wanna get involved or not. Diane is wearing a dark blue dress that hugs her figure, her hair up and minimal makeup. She’s staring at people and whispering to Robert, who seems mesmerized by whatever she’s saying.
I decide to find the bar instead.
On the way I find myself looking for her. It seems like my mind is set on finding her and only her like I can’t even pay attention to anything else at all. I order a glass of champagne and then I finally spot her silver hair.
She’s giving me her back and there’s a young woman following her close behind.
The young woman is a natural redhead with curly hair and a sparkling dress. I feel a pang in my stomach. She whispers something in Miranda’s ear and she smiles which makes me feel sick.
I wonder if they’re fucking. If she replaced me in a week or so.
“Six!” I hear a voice that makes me jump in the spot.
“Nigel!” I answer with a warm hug.
“I can’t believe you’re back. Look at you!” I blush and play around with my dress for him. “Have you seen Miranda? She’ll be thrilled to see you.”
“Very much doubt that, Nige.” I say, laughing a bit, thanks to the alcohol.
“She missed you, Six.” I pretend his comment doesn’t hurt the way it did.
“Yeah, well. She has a new puppy.” He smiles, gloomily.
“I think she’s looking for you.” My smile is honest and hopeful, and I hate it. She has power over me, still. The mere thought of her interest in me awakes something deep inside me, something in my body that I can’t control. Curiosity, maybe. Desire.
“What happened with Emily?” His face illuminates like it often did when he’s about to share gossip. I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed him. His cheery mood.
“She got promoted! Took an accident in the middle,” He makes an expression of ‘I’ll tell you later’. “…but she got what she wanted in the end. She’s working in the fashion department now.” I remember when Miranda told me she was thinking of promoting her. We had been having sex all afternoon and I was cooking us some pasta while she told me of her plans for Runway. She was so hopeful about the future, I remember falling a little more in love with her. It seemed like ages ago. I guess it was.
After I leave Nigel in the bar area, I walk the room. I feel people looking at me and for once, I don’t feel like hiding. I feel confident and tall. I look for her as I hope she’d be looking for me.
I spot her after a few minutes.
Her assistant is glued to her side and I feel angry and excited at the same time. My face feels hot as I walk towards her, in the middle of the room. She hasn’t seen me yet. I watch as she uses her fake smile and I can almost hear her tone of voice that clearly states ‘I’m better than you’. Oh, how I’ve missed her! How I missed her intimidating posture, her cold eyes, ever so present, ever so bored. How strange that she’s a real person and not some fragment of my imagination.
The girl beside her looks panicked as I approach and I know it’s because she doesn’t know who I am when her only task tonight it’s telling Miranda who everyone is. I pretend I’m not sour because Miranda hasn’t told her who I am.
“Miranda.” I say, softly, and she turns to see me. Her face lights up for a second before going back to her usual disinterested expression. She’s so close and my heartbeat rises, but I maintain my confident smile. I stare at her, watch her be surprised.
“Andréa.” She says, finally. In the Miranda way. So strange to hear it again; it feels like she’s given me life. She looks at me up and down slowly. I feel a pull in my lower abdomen that I try to ignore. I bite my lower lip instead. “You can go.” She whispers to her assistant, her eyes not leaving mine. The girl frowns but complies without a word.
“You look beautiful.” I say. She shakes her head, almost imperceptibly and without blinking. Her gaze burns, I feel myself trembling, going back to old habits. Succumbing. Surrendering. But I remain strong.
“Must you always comment on appearance?” She says with a sarcastic tone, even if I know she feels flattered, going by the sudden redness of her neck.
“Someone has to.”
“I didn’t think you’d be fishing for compliments.” I feel electricity through my veins. An excitement that I didn’t realize I was missing. Suddenly every resentment and hard feeling seemed far away. I can’t erase the smile on my face. I’m surprised by the power she gives me.
“I’m happy to give them. Congratulations, Miranda. 20 years at Runway is a big accomplishment.” I put our glasses together and I feel some glances thrown at us. She doesn’t seem to care. I’m honoured and somewhat relieved.
“Well…” She remains quiet for a moment, as we look at each other. My heart is heavy with emotions that I can’t explain. “When did you arrive?”
“A few days ago.”
“And what are you doing here?” Her tone reminds me of the first interview, as I know she intends. She smirks. My body aches and I wanna be closer, I wanna be alone with her; have her for me, like I used to. I wanna tell her to kiss me like she used to; to love me like she never did.
“I-
“Oh, there you are!” His voice irrupts with violence. I’m annoyed when I look at him, but I smile. He grabs me by the arm, possessively. But I know it’s an act. It makes me feel a little foolish to be playing an act for her, like she will be able to tell and think badly of me. “Miranda! Congratulations! An amazing party, as always.” Her gaze becomes icy cold, her posture rigid and her beautiful fake smile is back in place as she looks at the two of us together. I take it as a win.
“Thank you, Robert. I’m glad you two could come.” She says, monotonous and softly.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He says winking at me. I stare at her and something in her smirk makes me think that I’ve passed some kind of test. There’s something dark in her gaze. I’m in the game, she seems to think, amused.
After a while of showing me around, Robert excused himself to talk to boring old men and I was left alone, pacing around the room. I talked to people who recognized me from my time at Runway, and people who recognized me from my time away from Runway. I remembered a time where I used to feel uneasy at these events. Now I recognize in myself Miranda’s tone of voice, false yet amicable. I let myself embody that character, and find it addictive, almost.
I walk towards the bar and wondered how long do I have to wait to talk to her again. My phone vibrates and with a silly grin I imagine it’s her. It’s Doug. “YOU HAVE TO COME. TOMORROW 8PM.” Yells the text. I sigh and glance at the bartender, ask for the same.
I type. “I don’t know if I’ll be in the mood.” He calls me immediately.
“BABE, YOU. ARE. COMING. END OF STORY.” He starts. I laugh and look around, watch her fix my drink.
“Doug, I have like a thousand things to do. And you know… it’s just any day, really.”
“But it’s not! C’mon. Lily will definitely kill me if you don’t come. It’s Saturday night! You just-” The bartender hands me my drink with a smirk and I thank her, as I move my phone from ear to ear. “…in New York.”
“I don’t know.” I take a sip and watch the room, filled with rich people. Wonder what on earth am I doing here. I spot Miranda and, with excitement, I notice she’s walking in my direction.
“I won’t take a no for an answer. It’s just us in a bar, a few drinks and bit of dancing, that’s all! Oh and Steve will be there, I really want you to meet him. I mean it’s been ages.” She walks slowly, looking right at me and ignites my body.
“Ohh, now I see. It wasn’t for me at all.” I say, good-humourly, as she finally approaches. She looks at me with an amused smirk and grabs the drink from my hand. I get goosebumps and flashbacks and a strange sensation on my skin at the sight of her lips making contact with my glass. The liquid coming down to her throat. She licks her lips softly when she’s done.
“It is your party, so you’re coming. I have to go now, I’ll pick you up!” I didn’t listen to a word he said.
“Alright, alright. G’bye!” She leaves the glass on the table, her arm surrounding me, for a moment.
“Come with me, I want to introduce you to someone.” Miranda says, cryptically. I follow without a single thought. I’m ecstatic that she’s walking me around, I feel proud to be seen as the receiver of her desired attention. She touches my lower back for an instant to guide me but it burns my skin and I have to hold my breath. We walk towards a small group of people on the terrace and I notice with delight the eyes that follows us. I see people wondering who am I and what have I done to deserve Miranda’s attention.
The woman in question turns around and my heart almost leaves my chest.
“Little Dre!” She greets me, warmly, and gives me the biggest of hugs, almost lifting me up like she used to. Her masculine perfume embraces me and I get a weird outburst of emotions. I hug her back with a tight grip and wonder how long it’s been. A few months maybe.
“Lauren! What are you doing here?” I remember Miranda standing next to us and I feel a pang in my stomach. She’s ignoring me and instead looks at her with an unreadable expression.
“Miranda kindly invited me.” Lauren approaches Miranda and gives her a proper kiss in her unkissed cheek. It feels bizarre to see them in the same room, standing side by side, as if they didn’t belong in the same world. I feel exhilarated in a strange and dangerous way. “Congratulations, by the way.”
“Thank you for coming.” Miranda seems amused, somehow. I wonder if she knew we’ve met already but I disregard that idea, since that would mean she kept an eye on me and judging by her assistant not even knowing my name, it’s hard to believe. “So, you’ve met before.” She says, matter-of-factly. Lauren winks at me. Miranda looks at the interaction, fascinated.
The big leagues, I think, and I swallow, wondering if I’m able to mediate between these two women.
“She wrote a very flattering profile piece about my work some time ago.” She speaks proudly of me and it makes me feel in control, protected. Miranda’s intense gaze only matches Lauren’s, who’s going back and forth between us, with her attentive eyes. I know she’s curious about me and Miranda, I remember her asking a lot of questions about her. I wonder if she’s able to tell we’ve been together.
“Well, she trusted me with it and it really helped my career.” I explain, automatically, unable to make eye contact with my former boss. With my former lover.
“You’ve thanked me enough.” Lauren says, flirtatiously. I blush at her directness and Miranda raises an eyebrow, suddenly losing her ever present mocking expression. I swallow. She can’t be jealous, can she?
“And, it seems you will be seeing more of her.” Miranda announces. I frown and Lauren’s smile widens, reminds me of a child’s grin. “I’ve asked Lauren to work for Runway for the next couple of issues.” Lauren looks at me, expectantly. I smile back, feeling like it’s a Miranda move. Or maybe I’m too cynical. Truth is, I’m curious to see how Lauren’s presence would play out in our little twisted game. And I am certain that Miranda feels the exact same way. It feels so good to be back home.
Some man calls for Lauren’s attention and she apologizes before going with him, leaving us alone. I get a need for a cigarette. I feel nervous now, to be alone with her after that.
“Dré?” She asks when Lauren is out of sight, her tone higher and melodious, mocking. “Already at nickname level, I see.” There’s no malice in her words, she’s just playing around, but I feel my face redden.
“Yeah, well. She’s french, so.” Miranda laughs and it warms my chest. “Did you know?” I ask, after a minute.
“Know what, exactly?” I stare but she gives nothing away, just plays with her tongue, makes me look at her lips. “I’ve read the piece, yes.”
“What did you think of it?”
“Still fishing for compliments. You’ll have to work harder than that, Little Dre.” I roll my eyes, embarrassed, and she looks delighted.
“And now, finally, a few words from a woman that needs no introduction. The woman that made all of this possible, who took Runway on her shoulders all those years ago and made it what it is now. Our boss and inspiration, the one and only, Miranda Priestly!” Miranda walks slowly towards the microphone in the middle of the stage and air kisses the flushed man who presented her. Everyone is silent, all eyes are on her. And she’s relaxed, smiling at everyone and at no one.
I remember the night everything started. She starts talking and I think about that gala all those months ago. How everyone looked up at her, how beautiful she looked, how in control of the room she always is. I don’t realize I’m smiling when she speaks.
My heart hurts because of our past, but I look at her and soon I forget that I was ever mad or hurt or sour. All I can think about it’s how great she is and how much I still feel for her. How jealous I am that she has a new assistant and whatever accident happened to Emily, and if I don’t get to speak to her again tonight, I would be so sad.
I need her attention, I want her to be interested in me. I ache at the mere idea that she might not. And I know my purpose is to make sure she’ll want my attention.
“Darling, you know people can see you.” Robert laughs lightly at me and I roll my eyes, but I do feel embarrassed. He finds this funnier.
“…lastly, I would like to make a final announcement. Tonight we’re here to celebrate not only our magazine but especially our wonderful team. The people who work hard every day to make all of this possible, issue after issue. And on that note, I would like to congratulate our colleague and esteemed friend on a new wonderful opportunity, to be the head fashion director in the new menswear Holt’s international, Nigel Kipling.” She smiles widely and everyone starts applauding. Nigel is close to me and I manage to smile at him in surprise as he winks at me warmly.
Everything feels in slow motion. I watch Miranda smile and I catch myself feeling proud and happy as I notice everyone watching her with admiration. I think I have a secret with her and that that makes me special amongst these people. I feel in love and nervous and excited.
And then I look at Robert who’s looking at Diane.
She’s staring at Miranda with a look that I recognize as my own. It surprises me and it scares me. I feel reflected in her shiny eyes that stare at Miranda with a spark of a familiar emotion, like she shares a secret too. I remember the image of them at that restaurant. “She reminds me of you”, I remember. Suddenly I feel betrayed and not at all special as I notice Miranda is also looking at her.
Her eyes are so warm and lovely and they’re not looking at me but at her and I feel sick to the stomach and foolish and it’s too much and I wanna be in Paris, in Lauren’s house, in her arms that felt more Miranda than this Miranda.
“I need some air. Don’t follow me.” I say to Robert, who’s still glancing at Diane with an indecipherable expression.
I walk towards the main door as if escaping some deadly fate and I breath in the fresh air once I’m finally out. Shaky and nervous, I take out a cigarette and struggle to light it up.
I feel my eyes are somewhat teary and I laugh at myself. I need to regain control, to come back to the mindset I had before I set foot in New York and before I watched her, so beautiful and so intimidating and so estranged. I watch the smoke floating in the air and it makes me feel calmer.
I walk and walk aimless for a what it feels like an hour and then I take a cab, and I’m forced to face my old apartment. I face my old insecurities and fears and I know that’s not who I am anymore.
I decide to look for a new apartment that Friday night at midnight.
The next morning, I am awakened by a call from my grandmother wishing me happy birthday.
She sings her piece, as she does every year and tells me she whishes I could visit her more often. I tell her yes, of course! Like I do every year, knowing full well that it’s likely that I won’t visit her this year. We end the call and I feel that familiar mixture of guilt and warmth.
I look through the rest of my notifications. Robert asks me if I’m alright after leaving the party suddenly like a maniac. Point taken. Lily and Doug sent the proper congratulatory we’ll see each other tonight messages. I light a cigarette and go back to bed as I keep reading. A few texts from my office in Paris, and a few emails from my new job in Tótem. I smile widely at Angèle’s message, filled with emojis and exclamation points. I miss her and it almost makes me cry. Does age come with a foolish sentimentality?
I read through the main news portals until I’m finally strong enough to get out of bed. But just when I do, I get another call that forces me back into the commodity of my old sheets.
“Happy birthday, darling.” Her soothing voice sends a warm feeling in my chest. I smile and turn around in the bed, feeling like a teenager.
“Thank you, Lauren.” I say, softly.
“I’m sorry I called directly, I know young people don’t do it anymore.”
“Well, I guess I’m not that young anymore, right?”
“You’re a child! What are your plans for today?” I stretch and look at the ceiling. Watch the black spots and the tired paint.
“I will look for an apartment.”
“Ohh, big plans, you don’t joke around, do you? You want any help with that? A friend of mine works in real estate.”
“Oh, really? That would be great, actually. I’ve no idea where to begin.”
“Consider it taken care of. My birthday gift! I’ll call you back.”
“Thank you!”
“Bye, Dre.”
I sit in bed and take the last puff, before smothering it on the ashtray. I can’t take Miranda’s face off my brain. I feel like I’m coming back to my old fixation. How I used to daydream about her to the point that I couldn’t recognize the memories from the products of my imagination.
I stare at my phone, sadly hoping it will show her name. But I shake the thought. I’m too old for this! I won’t chase this adolescent crush if she won’t have me.
I stand up resolutely and begin my day. Change my clothes, put on some music, clean my apartment. I’m so caught up in my chores I forget to eat and then I’m too tired to make some food, so I fall down on my couch, fast asleep until I hear a knock on my door.
What time is it?
I’ve slept for like two minutes, why is it so dark outside?
“Andyyy, why aren’t you ready?? Doug is waiting downstairs!” Lily hugs me tightly but her disappointed look doesn’t leave her face.
“I’m sorry! I totally fell asleep. Give me two seconds.”
“Oh, honey, you’re gonna need more than that.” Lily approaches the window and yells and gives signals to Doug. I close the door of my room behind me and start going through my clothes, see what can be useful. I find some pieces from Runway’s closet and I feel guilty for stealing them. I find a black dress that’s loose enough to be comfortable and pick the right accessories to match and look put together. “Are you gonna tell me about that hottie Robert or do I have to ask, by the way?” Lily asks when she sees me. I run to the bathroom and start putting on some black messy eyeliner and mascara. It’s just some bar, no one cares if I look drunk before even asking for a drink.
“There’s nothing to say about him. How do you even know about him?” I stare at her and she shrugs, points at the window. “I’m gonna kill Doug.”
“It’s not his fault you didn’t tell me first!”
“It’s nothing, really. We slept together once, last year.” Lily’s mouth opens and she shakes her hands with excitement. I roll my eyes, but I find it amusing. “And that’s all! He helped me get the job.”
“Oh, babe.”
“No, it’s nothing like that.” Is it? I wonder briefly. I look at my reflection and I think maybe I need some type of color but then I hear Doug’s car horn and I give up.
“I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Of course, I know. And I’m telling you, it’s not a thing.” We step out of the building arm in arm and Doug presses the horn with a wide smile when he sees me. “Besides, I think he has a thing for another woman on the board, way older than him. I don’t know, it’s like he’s always staring at her, you know?” Lily hums.
“Kinky.” She says smirking. I roll my eyes.
We enter the bar entangled by the arms like a couple of highschoolers and I feel glad to be with them. Hadn’t realized how much I’ve pushed them away in the recent past, how absorbed I was with Miranda. I wonder if she sent me an email or something. She seemed to want to talk to me the night before.
“Surprise!!!” The yelling and the hugs wake me up from my musings. I look around with a shocked smile and I can’t believe my eyes when I see them. I hug my parents tightly, feeling like in a dream.
“Oh, honey! Happy birthday!” My mother kisses my cheek affectionally and I watch my dad’s eyes filling with tears.
“I can’t believe you’re here! When did you arrive?”
“This morning! We couldn’t wait to see you but your friends insisted we should wait ‘til tonight.” My mom hugs me again as they guide me to our table and I find Amy and Luke, my friends from college that I haven’t seen in ages.
“You guys!” I hug them and we sit down in a large table, a waiter waiting to give us drinks they’ve already ordered. “How’ve you been?”
“Great, I’m actually moving near here!” Said Amy, who sat in front of me. I smile widely. Luke pats her shoulder, warmly.
“Amazing news!” I drink my beer and start relaxing into my seat. I can’t believe everyone is here, I haven’t seen them in forever.
“Andy, this is Steve!” Of course, I remember Steve. But I pretend that I don’t and watch my friend’s face illuminating with expectation. Steve, here, shakes my hand with a tight grip and a big smile.
“Happy birthday, Andy. Thank you for letting me crash your party.”
“Please, thank you for coming, nice to meet you.” Doug’s big smile warms my heart.
Everyone starts talking and gossiping soon enough, and after two rounds of beers we’re all relaxed and friends and it feels like christmas, in a sense. I find out my parents are selling the house and buying something smaller deeper into the country side; Lily got a promotion and now runs her own gallery after some not-so-cheery encounter with her former boss; Doug and Steve have plans for moving in together, I tell them it’s probably too soon, but they’re in love and haven’t a care in the world. I remember Nate, suddenly, how young and in love we were back then. Amy and Luke are actually engaged and it’s weird to imagine them together when all I remember was their constant fights at parties. I guess it must’ve been a sign.
Strangely enough, after a few hours I get somewhat overwhelmed and have to stand up and walk around. I excuse myself, telling them I have to go to the bathroom but I step outside of the bar. The air is cold and my hands and chest tremble when I light up a cigarette. I look at a couple of teens in front of me, kissing and hugging and laughing. I feel old and silly. They notice me staring so I take out my phone and look through all the messages from randoms who found out today’s my birthday.
Then, as if an act of manifestation, her name appears on the screen. My blood runs faster and suddenly I feel colder or maybe warmer, I’m not sure. She had left a message! Almost an hour ago. It read: “Andréa, I just wanted to wish you a very happy evening.” Serious, no exclamation points, no emojis, no I love yous. It was perfect. I curse because maybe it’s too late to reply now. Although on second thought, she hardly ever sleeps, so might as well try. I hit the call button, get carried away by the moment.
“Hello.” She answers after a while, wide awake as she would be at two in the morning, and it kills me to hear her silky voice so close to my ear.
“Hi, Miranda.” I say and laugh because I’m drunk and because I am finally talking to her! After all those months of suffering and silence.
“Happy birthday.” She says, her voice husky. I imagine she hasn’t talked in hours, reading The Book and taking notes and writing in her reading journal I’m happy to know about. I bite my lip.
“Thank you. I didn’t think you knew.” I say, honestly. And feel like I want to cry.
“Don’t be silly, Andréa. Of course, I know.” I smile and I notice she’s smiling too. Or at least, I imagine she is.
“Of course.” I whisper, feeling lightheaded because of the alcohol. “You didn’t reply to my text.” I blurt out, out of nowhere, surprising both of us. I watch the teens in front of me, crossing the street. They’re fighting, yelling. I have to turn around and press the phone in my ear.
“Well, you’ve just called me. I haven’t-”
“No, I don’t mean now.”
“Oh, I see.” There’s a silence. I take a long puff before she speaks again. “Forgive me. I just… I wasn’t ready, I suppose.” I hear a certain sadness in her voice that I haven’t heard before and it breaks my heart.
“I wasn’t ready either. To be alone.”
“You left.” She says in a whisper, and it’s without intention to hurt but it does hurt me. I notice she was in pain when I left and I feel guilty and stupid. I’m silent but I can’t end the call. “You had to leave, I mean. I think it did you good.” She says, somewhat flirty at the end, to try and make me feel better.
“You think?” I ask, hopeful, with a silly grin.
“No, I know.”
The teen couple make out again and it makes me laugh.