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She couldn’t sleep. Her mind wouldn’t let it go. The image of her sister – Ye Xiwu’s sister – having Pian Ran’s love threads forcibly removed. The despair in her eyes, the anger. What she did was wrong, of that there was no doubt. But perhaps there was also some truth to what she was saying. Would Bingchang be any different…had she only been treated better?
She tossed and turned, feeling discomfort at every angle. Tantai Jin let out a sigh beside her. He lifted himself up, eyeing her in bemusement. “Stop moving alright, or the bed will fall apart.” His eyebrow quirked upwards. “I thought you wanted to comfort me. Why are you having a hard time going to sleep?”
She let out a sigh and sat up. “Tantai Jin, do you think if my sister wasn’t the daughter of a concubine, and was treated with more love and care at home, would she have ended up differently?”
He looked off into the distance and Susu knew he must be thinking of himself. How similar their situations were. He shook it off. “Why are you thinking of her this late at night?”
“Why are you asking me… Aren’t you the same?” Li Susu asked, “Why are you awake then, what are you thinking about?”
He looked hesitant for a few moments, as though he was unsure about voicing his thoughts aloud. He slowly sat up beside her. “I’m thinking…” he started, not meeting her eyes. “Perhaps the reason why I used to be emotionless and heartless was because I didn’t have any love threads…”
Li Susu blinked in surprise. Little Devil God guessed right. Being born as the object of The Devil God’s resurrection – an empty vessel – had its repercussions. Once again, she couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. To go your entire life so cold and unfeeling, to not understand the nature of everyone else around you? Yet another burden he had been forced to bear.
Tantai Jin looked over at her. “Ye Xiwu, what would it feel like, to have love threads?” There was something strange in the way he was looking at her. Soft and warm, but with a hint of something else. It made her heart stop in her chest.
"Hmm..."
“Hmm?” he repeated, leaning in closer. She couldn’t help but smile. She pressed against him, pushing him down onto the bed and curling into him. She reached for his arm and guided it around her shoulders. “It’s probably this feeling,” she muttered into his chest, “Go to sleep.”
He let out a sigh of mirth and reached for her hand, his fingers gently caressing hers.
Li Susu buried her face into the side of his neck. He smelled like rain and cedar and she had the sudden urge to press her lips to his skin, to taste him on her tongue. Her eyes flew open, her body tensing. She’d been having these thoughts for a while, and each time she’d shake it off and ignore it, chalking it up to residual feelings and memories of their time in Ming Ye’s Bo're Life. But it was getting harder and harder, especially when the thoughts were so vivid.
Tantai Jin tapped his fingers against her shoulder in a gentle and soothing rhythm. It was enough to ease her troubled thoughts and she found herself falling into the odd calm these nights in his bed always gave her. But then his hands began to move, from her shoulder to her waist. They were barely there at first, just a soft brush of his hand. But then she felt him press harder, moving from her waist to her hip, bunching her night clothes in his fist and releasing. Her heart dropped into her stomach. He had never touched her like this before.
The air in the room seemed to change, growing strangely thick and warm. She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes closed, afraid she wouldn’t able to resist the urge to peak up at him. She felt him shift beside her, his other hand rising to touch her cheek. His fingers brushed a strand of hair from her forehead before running down the side of her face.
“Ye Xiwu,” she heard him whisper, barely audible over the pounding of her heart. She was certain he must hear it.
The pad of his thumb brushed against her mouth, running backwards and forwards over her bottom lip. She let out a shuddering breath. Tantai Jin took the opportunity, thumbing at her lip to get her to open her mouth wider. She slowly opened her eyes and saw him; beautiful in the soft light of the room but with an expression that terrified her. His eyes were slightly hooded and darker than she’d ever seen them, his pupils completely blown out. He was watching her closely, his gaze flickering from her eyes to her lips and back again. Seemingly without conscious thought, she opened further, allowing him to push his thumb into her mouth. She closed her lips around it, pressing her tongue against his skin. His jaw snapped closed, clenching tightly as he watched. Her mind was screaming at her, shocked at her own wantonness.
What are you doing Susu? How could you? Stop this now, before it goes any further.
And yet…. she didn’t stop. She took hold of his hand and held it closer to her mouth, felt the slight tremble as she sucked his thumb deeper into her warmth. And when he finally removed his hand, grasping the back of her head and pulling her closer, she didn’t fight him, even when her thoughts continued to scream in protest.
The fist in her hair clenched, tight enough to cause pain, and instead of cringing away she could only shiver in response. He pulled her closer, until she was a breath away, her lips brushing against his. An unbearable second passed where they hovered there, barely touching – so similar to that moment under the bridge – then he surged forward, capturing her mouth with his.
This… was not like the bridge, this was something else. Something she’d never experienced herself but could still remember feeling… a memory from a dream.
His mouth moved over hers, slightly messy and uncoordinated at first, but quickly finding the right rhythm. Her skin grew hot at the feeling, her insides alight and coiling tight in the pit of her stomach. She gasped, her mouth opening under his as she felt his tongue gently licking at her lips before entering her mouth. She kissed him back, sliding her tongue against his. She acted on instinct, guided by her own desire and the reaction it caused in him. She couldn’t deny the thrill she felt when he shivered against her, a soft groan of shock rising from his throat. He gripped her tighter, the hand on her hip moving lower… brushing against her backside.
Gods, she was dizzy, her head was spinning, and she was horrified. She wanted more.
Stop, stop stop…. She heard herself say in her head, even as her hands moved to press against his chest, feeling his heart race underneath her palm. He moved from her mouth, kissing along her jaw and neck. Hot, wet heat unfurled in the juncture of her thighs as he licked and sucked at her skin.
“Please…” she whispered, desperate and unsure. A sound caught in his throat at her plea – a choked whimper that made her throb.
He pulled back from his assault on her neck and looked at her for a moment. Trying to read her expression, to know what she was asking for. In truth, she wasn’t quite sure herself.
His lips were bruised, swollen and wet. She’d never seen anything so perfect. As base and low as such earthly desire could be, she couldn’t deny the intensity of it. Of all the things she’d witnessed in her time, as an immortal spirit from a heavenly realm, it was this moment, in a dim candle lit room, with him of all people that brought her to this precipice….
Li Susu gripped at the material of his robe, pulling it open and revealing his chest. As soon as her fingers touched skin, he let out shuddering moan, his own shaking hands reaching to pull at the fastenings of her night clothes.
The room was silent, with only their ragged breathing to fill the void as they fumbled to undress. There were always so many layers between them. She longed to be bare and open with him just once.
Once he’d pulled the fastenings away, he opened the front of her dress. He stared at her openly, swallowing thickly as his eyes raked over her, from the base of her throat to the patch of dark hair between her legs. She flushed under his gaze, squeezing her legs together in an attempt at easing the ache there. She thought she’d be embarrassed to be looked at like this, instead it only made her warm inside.
He gently pushed her, guiding her to lie on her back before slowly crawling on top of her. When she first saw him kneeling in the snow, he was frail and weak. Skin and bone from a lifetime of neglect. Things had changed since becoming the Emperor of Jing. He was warmer now, there was life in his dark eyes. And though his frame was still thinner than most, there was a weight to him now, a weight she relished as he pushed her into the bed.
His fingers danced along her collarbone, travelling across the tops of her breasts. She let out a breathy sigh as he moved to cup the weight of them in his palm. She had to fight to keep her eyes open, but she watched him closely. The way his hand slightly trembled, the way he swallowed as he caressed and squeezed her. His fingers brushed against her nipple and she let out a whimper. His eyes snapped to hers, lips quirking at the corner. He did it again, rougher this time, the tip of his nail scratching against her flesh. A moan tore from her throat. He bent his head and took her nipple into his mouth. It was like someone had lit her on fire. With each swipe of his tongue, her core throbbed, wetness coating the inside of her thighs.
She buried her hand in his hair, clutching his head to her chest. Teeth grazed her, just enough to hurt. She hissed, her hands tugging on his braided hair. He let out a pleased sigh and ground his pelvis into hers in response. She felt him through his underclothes, hard and pressing against her. Without thought, she arched her hips into him. The friction of their movements had them both panting.
His hand travelled down her waist and hip, reaching to caress the inside of her thigh. Her legs shook as they opened wider for him. The voice that was screaming at her to stop had been drowned out by the pounding of her heartbeat and the rush of blood in her ears.
His fingers finally reached her centre, moving through her slick folds. He let out a soft groan as she squirmed against him, desperately seeking something. Then his fingers moved up, rubbing against one spot in particular that had her bucking against his hand.
“- Oh!,“ She gasped out.
He looked up from her breast, watching her reaction carefully. The corners of his lips rose as he cocked his head to the side.
He pressed his fingers to the same spot, rubbing in small circles. Her mouth dropped open, hands gripping the bed sheets helplessly.
“Do you like it when I touch you here, Ye Xiwu?,” he asked softly,
“Yes…” She breathed out with a shudder.
He continued touching her with alternating pressure and speed. That strange coiling sensation grew tighter. She was burning, her insides liquid as she struggled for breath. She moved against his hand, fighting to ease the torturous ache. She found herself babbling incoherently under her breath, only vaguely aware of Tantai Jin whispering sweet words of encouragement to her. Just as it was beginning to feel unbearable, something inside suddenly snapped. White hot pleasure rushed through her body, converging in the place between her thighs. Her muscles clenched and released, pulsating against his hand. A high keening noise tore from her throat and she quickly covered her mouth with a hand to try to stifle the shrieks.
His own breathing was as ragged as hers, his expression a mix of awe and hunger as he watched her come apart. He suddenly sat up, kneeling between her open legs. Like her, his robe had been opened revealing his bare chest and stomach. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to run her fingers across his nipples like he did to her. To make him cry out for her. Warmth flooded her, leaving her wanting once more.
Without taking his eyes from hers, he removed the last piece of clothing. The piece of material covering his manhood.
This wasn’t the first time Li Susu had seen a penis. When she was much younger and filled with youthful curiosity, she and a few of her sect sisters had snuck into the boys’ washrooms. Hiding behind a wall, they each took turns peeking inside. It hadn't taken long for the guilt to set in and they quickly left, sheepish and struggling to contain their laughter.
Then one night many years later, while struggling to sleep, she decided to take a walk by the lake. Walking had always helped centre her thoughts in the past and she figured that night would be no different. But as she walked, enjoying the fresh night air, she’d heard rustling, heavy breaths and whimpers. Thinking someone might be hurt she followed the sounds in hopes of offering her assistance.
When she broke through the clearing, she saw two senior sect leaders up against a tree. The woman reached out to touch the man’s member, standing hard and proud between his legs. She knew she should have turned away and left them to their business, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. It wasn’t until the man lifted the woman into his arms and entered her, that she turned and ran away. But the image stayed with her for a long time after.
This was different. This wasn’t a flaccid penis dangling between the legs of a sect brother while he washed or stumbling onto an oblivious couple in the distance. This was Tantai Jin, the future Devil God. And he was right in front her; red, swollen and leaking at the tip. Close enough to touch.
What would he feel like? Would he shiver and moan the way she did? She bit her lip, her insides clenching in anticipation. Were they really going to do this? After all, they weren’t really married. She wasn’t Ye Xiwu. Every moment they spent together was filled with lies. And the moment was coming, wasn’t it? The moment where she would have to take those final steps…
He crawled back over her, his arms resting by her head, bracketing her in and holding himself up. He ground his hips against her, the hard length of him moving through her wet folds, rubbing against her tender flesh. Without thinking, her hips rose to meet him, seeking friction and the delicious feeling of skin on skin.
They both gasped, overwhelmed and unable to stop. He pressed his mouth to hers, tongue seeking entrance once again. He kissed her with a kind of unhinged desperation, as though he were in physical pain and she was the only thing that could fix it. Tears prickled at the corners of her eyes as she kissed him back.
I’m sorry Father, for letting this happen, for letting him in.
I’m sorry Tantai Jin, for deceiving you in this way.
He reached a hand down between them to guide himself in. The pressure was instantaneous. She seized up, her entire body tensing at the intrusion. He paused, pulling back from their kiss to look at her. The arm holding himself up shook as he held himself back. “Ye Xiwu…” he whispered against her lips, his nose brushing hers. He brought a hand down to her hip, moving to caress the skin of her outer thigh until the tension in her muscles eased. “Shhh…”
Then he pushed in slowly, until he lay flush against her. They both moaned aloud, staring at each other, wide eyed and panting. The feeling of being stretched didn’t hurt as much as she was expecting, not with her body still so wet from her previous release. Instead, she just felt full – whole - at last.
He pulled all the way out before slowly thrusting back in. Over and over… She couldn’t help but let out a shuddering whine. The slick slide of him felt so good, but the slow pace was unbearable. She needed more. The hands that were clutching at his back and shoulders moved lower until they grabbed at his bottom. His hips stuttered, a groan tearing from his throat as he looked down at her in shock.
“Please…”
“Please what?...” he asked, maintaining his rhythm.
“Faster,” she whispered, her cheeks flaming.
He gave into her, picking up his pace. With each thrust of his hips between her legs, she could hear the obscene sounds of their joining – wet and slippery between them. All she could do was hold on. She wrapped her legs around his waist, changing the angle so he reached a place inside that had her crying out and clenching around him.
He let out a sharp gasp and shuddered in her arms, his hips coming to a halt. She let out a pitiful noise and continued to thrust against him, impaling herself on his cock. His hand shot out, gripping her hips to stop her.
“Please don’t stop."
“You must wait," he muttered in a shaky voice.
It was then that she took in the expression on his face. The fine sheen of sweat on his forehead, the way his eyes were squeezed shut in concentration. He was so close to the edge. A wave of affection washed over her. He was trying to hold on for her.
She cupped his jaw in her palm, gently brushing her finger across his heated skin. She raised her head and pressed her lips to his. A kiss so soft it was almost chaste. Innocent in comparison to the way they kissed before. But she knew, from the way her stomach swooped, the way her body shook with need and the way her heart and soul cried for him – every part of him – that it meant something more. This wasn’t an act at all and hadn’t been for a long time. The same sensation that came over her that night at the water festival rushed through her again.
Let us be like this forever. I never want to spend a moment apart. Let me protect you.
Li Susu pushed up, pressing her weight against him and guiding him to roll onto his back. He was still buried, snug inside her, and the change in position only served to push him deeper. His hands instantly rose to grip her hips again, his knuckles turning white.
She sat up, straddling his thighs with her hands braced on his chest. Finally, she took the chance, giving into the urge she’d had earlier. She ran her hands over his skin, brushing her fingers against his nipples. His breath hitched, a delicious shiver rolling through him. She smiled and did it again, feeling his fingers dig into her hipbone. The corners of his lips rose, smiling back at her. The tables had turned.
They continued caressing each other, the sweat from their exertions beginning to cool on their skin, until finally she felt him move beneath her, giving a shallow thrust up. Her eyes fluttered closed in relief. His movements remained small, just enough to ease the ache, but not enough to get them where they wanted to go.
She was unsure of herself. Of course she knew the mechanics of it, but the act of taking what she needed in this position was new to her. Tantai Jin’s hand slid up her thighs, reaching behind to grab her bottom. He lifted her up, guiding her movements until she found herself doing it on her own. She rose and fell, her movement growing bigger and more aggressive the more confident she got. That heat inside was blooming once again. She let out a cry, her insides beginning to clench around him. His jaw went slack and his eyes rolled back into his head.
She was so close, each rock of her hips was sending her higher, but she couldn’t quite reach it. She just needed a little more. Mewling cries and breathless pleas filled the room. His own peak was coming fast, she could feel it in the faltering desperate way he met her motions, the way his hands clung to her hips and thighs, the ragged moans he couldn’t stifle.
He suddenly reached between them, pressing his fingers to that bundle between her legs once again – rubbing quickly and without finesse. It didn’t matter, it was more than enough for her. Her body grew taut, her back arching as she fell off the precipice. Her insides flooded with heat as wave after wave of bliss rolled through her again. She fought the urge to close her eyes and instead stared down at him, watching as he too finally let go. His mouth dropped open and he let out a loud strangled groan. Her stomach swooped at the sight, at the sounds he was making. Her insides continued to flutter and clench as she felt him swell and release inside of her. It was too much, she closed her eyes and cried out, almost sobbing. She suddenly understood what people meant when they talked about pleasure so intense it bordered on pain.
Warm hands cradled her face, wiping at her cheeks. She opened her eyes, slowly coming back to herself, still twitching and electric from aftershocks. He was breathing heavy beneath her and still trembling, but his eyes were full of concern as he continued to wipe at her cheeks…and at the tears that had gathered there. She collapsed onto his chest, breathing deeply and pressing her mouth to his skin.
They cradled each other as they came down and their breathing slowly returned to normal. She felt him slip from her as he softened, felt the stickiness of their release on her thighs. There was a strange sense of loss and the only way to resolve it was to hold onto him tighter.
They returned to the same positions they were in before, her lying beside him, arms wrapped tight around his chest, nose buried in the juncture of his neck. Only this time, she did press her lips to him, gently licking and tasting the remnants of sweat on his skin. He nuzzled into her, pressing his nose into her hair and muttering words she couldn’t quite hear. But she didn’t need to, she knew what they were.
It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. But for her, sleep still would not come. Li Susu lie awake in his arms, staring at his face for hours. The sharp planes of it, the slope of his nose, the soft plumpness of his lips. A face that used to cause so much fear and pain in her heart. So much anger…
Something tightened in her chest at the sight of him. His face was so relaxed, more relaxed that she could ever remember seeing it. Seemingly at peace for the first time. Her eyes grew wet. She knew the fate of the future rested on her shoulders, that she couldn’t possibly risk it all, not for the sake of this. And yet, the desire was there all the same.
Please let there be a way to stop it from happening, let there be a way to save him…. And if there isn’t… give me the strength to do what must be done.
She sniffled, unable to stop the tears from falling. She buried her face in his chest and let herself silently cry.