i couldn't wait and get stuck here wearing someone else's skin (i feel like i'm living a lie)

by BlueJay (THATone_highlighter)

Summary:

Marcy always knew they didn't fit in with their peers, even hanging out with Anne and Sasha never really felt quite right. it only takes a trip to another dimension, moving across the country, and way too much time for self reflection for them to figure out exactly what the problem was.

or;

Theres no way Marcy could be trans, until there is.

Notes:

heyyyyy. This is my first fic i'm ever posting, the whole thing was written in a sleep deprived haze at 3am and edited in the morning on half an hour of sleep. so if its not written well yes it is <3

in case it wasn't obvious enough. this is beyond self indulgent. every thought Marcy has i myself have thought. finally i have taken my final steps towards my destiny in becoming a true Marcy kinnie.

be nice to me please 🥺

fic title from Middle of the Road by Chaz Cardigan and chapter titles from Destination by Imagine Dragons (i like being difficult ;p )

Chapter 1: i think a little about a lot i'm introverted (you think a lot about a little never heard it all)

Marcy knew that she didn’t fit in, kids her age always thought she was the "weird kid“. Sure, she had Anne and Sasha, but even that never felt quite right either. Marcy knew she would do anything for her friends, but as the years went on she slowly became less and less sure they would do the same for her. 

 

No one ever said anything, but it was there. In how Marcy would jump at the chance to do anything with them, anything at all, but they would brush off anything she wanted to do. For every one of Anne‘s tennis games and each of Sasha‘s parties or hang outs she organised that Marcy went to, she'd be lucky if her friends would even hear out her suggestion. But Marcy didn't mind, sure it wasn't fun to not have anyone to get excited with her about Vagabondia or whatever other thing she‘d gotten invested in that week, but at least they were hanging out with her at all. It was more than anyone else did for her, what more could she ask for?

 

That is to say, Marcy was different to her peers. She didn't have to understand why or how to know that it was simply fact.

 

When Marcy was younger, she liked to watch people. Not in a creepy way, more to try and learn. She would sit and watch her classmates from a distance. She wouldn’t admit it to anyone else, but Marcy was jealous of them. She was jealous of how confident and happy the boys looked when they messed about. She was jealous of the popular kids who cold get along with anyone without even trying. Hell she was even jealous of Anne and Sasha. She was their friend too, so why did it feel like she was never on their level. Sometimes she would daydream about being someone else, anyone else, really. How her life would be then. She would wish she was a boy, so she could have their confidence. She would fantasise about swapping places with her friends, to live as them even if only for a bit. She knew there was no point, but she couldn't help it. Other peoples lives seemed so much nicer, full of happy families and friends they saw more often than going to school, while Marcy just sat there in the corner doing her work.

 

They all got older, and Marcy got a bit better at fitting in. She learned to push down the jealousy, deciding at one point that if she had been anyone else maybe she wouldn't have met Anne and Sasha, and she doesn't know what she would do if she didn't have them.

 

And then, she doesn't have them.

 

She didn't know the music box would actually work. I mean, seriously? A wooden box that when you opened it created a portal to another dimension? And Marcy thought her childhood daydreams were unrealistic.

 

But. It did. And now Marcy was here, in (almost) exactly the position she had hoped to avoid.

 

Maybe its not the end of the world though.

 

Marcy was used to a certain degree of being alone after all. It comes with the territory of being deemed different. Sure technically she wasn't *alone* alone, but the distinction between being alone and being lonely was one Marcy had been introduced to at an early age. Marcy was more so pressed with the physical survival aspect now, after the sheer awe had worn off. Wherever she was now it seemed developed enough(after having been instantly introduced to a healthcare system seemingly run by..? Salamanders?), but who knew.

 

Time went on and Marcy met so many new people, and to her great surprise, she was actually good at it. Guess all that people watching paid off, only took 13 years. The people here seemed to genuinely like her too. They listened to her ideas and included her in conversation. 

 

It was incredible, so why couldn’t she shake the feeling that something was still wrong? Isn't this all she had hoped for when she was a kid? The fantasy world? The new friends who actually listen to her? So why does it still feel like none of it is real?

 

When Anne shows up at the gate, that feels real. When she hugs Marcy as tight as either of them can, that feels real. When they spend every possible moment together, it all starts to feel real again. The distance Marcy usually feels between herself and life vanishes for those days and somehow her new daydream for the past months is the most real thing she has. So she clings to it. Even when Anne says she wants go leave, Marcy clings to the realness that having Anne around brings. Maybe if she had known that watching Anne leave Newtopia would be the last time she felt real, she might have clung harder.

 

Reality only comes in pieces from then on. It cane back for a moment when she saw Anne again, but it didn't last anywhere near as long this time. For a moment too, when Sasha showed up at the third temple. But it didn't take long for the fog to come back, settling around her mind as she watched an interaction with Anne and Sasha she had no hope of fully understanding, and nobody bothered to explain to her. 

 

The next few times Marcy felt real, she really wished she hadn't. Being stabbed in the back, both figuratively and literally. The feeling of pure fear equally disorienting and grounding being followed by the worst most excruciating pain Marcy had ever experienced in her short life. Then, nothing.

 

 

When the three friends eventually made it back to Earth, it took Marcy even longer to feel real again. Time passed in a blur. Getting home, saying goodbye, moving across the country, starting school back up. She tried to keep in touch with Anne and Sasha, but it was hard. They still kept in touch but it became surface level messages to the group chat. "How's school?“. "hey look at this cute cat I saw!“. Courtesy messages, really is all it was.

 

To particularly Marcy‘s surprise, she actually managed to make some friends at her new school. 

 

She actually made friends with a decent sized group, most of them met through the school's chess club. It was nice, to have people to talk to, some of them even talked to her about Vagabondia! it was like a dream come true for Marcy. She still missed Anne and Sasha, but having other people to talk to made the sting a bit harder to feel.

 

One day when she was hanging out with her friends after chess club, one of them starts up a conversation, cautiously asking the group how they would feel if they said they were a boy. The sounds of 'yes‘s and 'of course man‘s echoed by the group were drowned out by Marcy‘s own thoughts. Sure she knew trans people existed, she didn't live under a rock, but it was one thing to hear about a concept, and a whole other to know someone and have physical proof.

 

The next weeks were filled with Marcy falling down countless rabbit holes. Researching anything and everything she could think of about trans people. Out of simple curiosity and wanting to be a good friend, of course. There's no way Marcy was trans, what of course not. That would be crazy. Sure, maybe she had questioned her sexuality for a while. Maybe she had spent a bit more time than one might consider "normal“ thinking about what it would be like to kiss her best friends. Marcy could be not straight, but she couldn't be trans. That just didn't make any sense.

 

Everyone hates their period so much that they would cry at the thought of someone even knowing they had it, right? Everyone wishes they had a flat chest, for practicality purposes, of course, right? Its not Marcy‘s fault boys clothes are just more practical to wear. Marcy cant be trans, that's all normal stuff. Everyone wished they were the other gender when they were kids. That's normal. Normal curiosity for the experiences of other people, nothing more nothing less. Normal normal normal. Even without all that, Marcy didn't hate bring a girl, she guessed, therefore she couldn’t be trans. Ha checkmate gender crisis.

 

Marcy‘s entire argument falls apart the day she learns the term 'non-binary‘. The concept that one could be not a girl but not quite a boy either shatters their entire self-constructed argument. And there, in the dead of night on their phone, Marcy stares at the roof and at age 15, finally admits to themselves that they are not a girl.

 

Now, they have to figure out what to do about it. 

 

Telling their parents is out of the question. Even if they hadn't already proven they cant be trusted with the tiniest piece of personal information after teasing them for *months* following them finding out about Marcy‘s interest in Vagabondia which had been going on for *years*, Marcy isn't convinced they wouldn't make life a living hell for them. They could tell Anne and Sasha, but that seems like a heavy conversation after so long. They decide they have to tell their new friends at the very least, but maybe not quite yet.

 

Eventually "not quite yet“ turns into a week turns into a month turns into 6 months. It had been long enough that that initial friend group had managed to dissolve into several smaller groups who only barely interacted nowadays. Which is how Marcy ended up here, pacing back and forth across their room, phone face up on their mattress discord open and message typed out. Of all their friends Marcy would say that Milo is their closest. They hold Sasha and Anne near and dear but… they're just not here. Marcy met Milo during sport period and they first bonded over walking across the field at a distance instead of playing whatever soccer-football-oztag game the class was supposed to be playing. Then further when they found out Milo also liked Vagabondia, admittedly not as much as they did but if it was between not talking to anyone and talking to someone who would at the very least let them word vomit, Marcy would take the latter every time. Marcy knew that Milo wouldn't care, so why was it still so scary. All the had to do was press send! It shouldn't be this hard! They should just do it and get it over with. So they did. Marcy hit the little blue send button and immediately locked their phone throwing it lightly across the bed so they couldn't see the screen.

 

A million thoughts rushed through Marcy‘s mind. Some of relief, finally its done and over with and they wont have to watch themselves constantly around everyone. Some of panic and fear, pure disbelief that they had actually done it. The deep pit of fear in their gut somehow coexisting with the relief causing lightness in their chest, the sensations mixing in together making them kind of start to feel sick.

 

*bzzt*

 

Not even thinking Marcy bolts upright and grabs their phone and checks the notification. It was Anne. She sent their group chat a picture of Domino laying upside down looking at the camera. Marcy typed out a quick message telling Anne how cute the picture was and locked their phone again this time laying back with it on their chest. Its okay, its barely been 5 mins it would likely take Milo longer to see the message, its fine. 

 

The next half hour consisted of Marcy checking their phone probably faster than physically possible every time it went off both hoping and fearing it was Milo and trying their best to find something to distract them. 

 

Approximately 47 minutes after Marcy send their message (so what if they were keeping count), their phone receives a discord notification from none other than Milo; "bro you couldn't have been any less subtle about it if you tried“ shortly followed by "alright dumbass(affectionate) come here lets sort this out“. And yeah that sounds about right for Milo.

 

All in all the conversation actually went better than Marcy had expected, Milo did obviously not give a shit, even if that included giving Marcy some grief for not saying something earlier. They talked about how Marcy wanted to handle being out to other people, they talked about pronouns and names. It was nice, actually, to finally have someone to talk to about this stuff.

All in all, Marcy would count this as a Successful coming out.

Chapter 2: we live with all our sorrows tied to age and separation (this is our destination)

Summary:

10 years, a transition and a new roommate later, Marcy meets back up with his childhood best friends.

10 years, a career change or two, some hormones, surgery and pronoun change later, a 26 year old Marcy gets a message from a group chat that nowadays only sees activity on birthdays and holidays. Its Sasha, she's asking if Marcy and Anne would be interested in meeting up in a few weeks around Anne‘s birthday. She says she wants to organise something for a surprise on Anne‘s birthday, and that if Marcy can make it she has the money to pay for Marcy‘s travel.

 

On one hand, that sounds awesome, Marcy would like nothing more than to finally get to see his friends again after so long. But on the other hand, he may have slightly procrastinated on coming out to either of them, ever. And its not like he can hide it, even if he shaved his face there's still the point of his voice and his top surgery. But man it would be absolutely awesome to see both of them again, even if there's an awkward conversation first. 

 

Marcy messages back "I would love to!!! Let me check my calendar and ill see how long I can come for!“ before he can even think to talk himself out of it.

 

That night Marcy talks to Milo about it at dinner. After high school the two of them had decided to move in together to split rent costs and enjoyed it enough they've just stuck together since. Strangers tend to mistake them for a couple but who cares what they think, they’re comfortable enough in their own relationship it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of them. Milo can tell that Marcy is starting to get stressed over telling his friends. Seeing friends who you used to be so close to again after such a long amount of time is already stressful, let alone having to worry about an accidental secret transition on top. Milo tells Marcy he should just get it over with, the sooner he tells them the better, give them more time. And on the highly unlikely off-chance they have a negative reaction, better he know earlier and not get stuck with being around them for a week because plans were set already. 

 

That makes sense, ugh Marcy hates it when Milo has too good an answer like this, even if he disagrees with the point about them reacting badly. Marcy knows they wouldn't. Marcy concedes with a groan and says as much to Milo as he gets up to go to his room, scruffing Milo‘s hair on the way past and getting a smack on the arm for messing up Milo‘s hair.

 

Sitting on his bed like this reminds Marcy of a similar day when he was 16, anxiously typing out a very similar message to a different friend. Comparing now to then makes the whole thing feel kind of silly, but this is Anne and Sasha. He has to get this right, not too serious, not to light. Just short and sweet, straight to the point should be good. Marcy types out the message and places the phone back on the bed and stares at it. It doesn't take long for the similarities to strike him again and spur him into pressing send, he's better than 16 year old him was. Marcy knows who he is now. He's grown a lot since he last saw Anne and Sasha at 13 just as he's sure they both have too. Marcy has always meant to tell them, over the years there had been a handful of attempts like this one to meet up as a group, but they always fell through, someone was too busy or something important came up during the planning stage and it just never happened. but something about this time feels different, this time feels too important to let it slip away, so he has to say something. plus, at least now it will be over with and he wont have to worry about it ever again.

 

*bzzt*

 

Marcy‘s phone goes off and he doesn't pick it up Immediately, no this time he stops and takes a deep breath, telling that tiny corner of his brain that always comes up with the worst outcome to shut up, then reads the top message. 

Anne; "uhm yeah? We both follow Milo‘s Instagram. he posts pictures with you like all the time dude“

Marcy could not bury his face deeper in his hands if someone paid him to. Of course they both follow Milo and of course he posts pictures of the two of them, they're together all the time. Marcy starts to write out a reply, then backspaces and writes out a new one, then backspaces and goes for a third try before giving up and pocketing his phone to go talk to Milo, and ask his son of a bitch roommate why he didn't tell him his childhood best friends followed his Instagram.

 

After processing what Marcy had said, Milo breaks out laughing, trying and failing to insist between breaths that he didn't know they did. Deciding Milo is being absolutely no help right now, Marcy walks over to the kitchen table and picks up Milo‘s phone to check his Instagram. Marcy himself never felt any lasting need for proper social media, he has discord for gaming and general talking with friends (excluding Anne and Sasha, they have a messages group chat). Marcy tried out a few here and there but always hated the way they sucked him in so either deleted or simply stopped using all of them. Milo, still laughing his ass off, sees Marcy grab his phone and unlock it with the simple passcode (his name, really? What made him think that was a good idea) and makes an attempt to get the phone back off him, which should be easy considering how much taller Milo is, but Marcy has speed and agility on his side right now as he climbs under the middle of the table and opens the Instagram app. 

 

Marcy starts scrolling through Milo‘s feed and swears every 3rd photo has Marcy in it. He doesn’t actually care much what Milo posts about him, Milo's got good judgment on what would and wouldn't be appropriate and anything he wasn't sure on he would double check with Marcy before hand. Its less the photos he's concerned about and more how he never found out Sasha and Anne followed him. So instead Marcy moves on to Milo‘s follower count, which isn't all that big. Marcy can recognise the names of Milo‘s family, some mutual friends through either name or profile, a couple Marcy assume are from Milo‘s gardening group, and a good 15 or so Marcy‘s not sure on. Then he spots them, one after another 3/4 of the way down the list, @H3ronWarrior07 and @heirtothepizzaking with matching blue and pink profile pictures. there's no way that's not them. Marcy throws back their head and groans long and loud, which only spurs Milo back into a laughing fit right as he was starting to recover.

 

All of that worrying for nothing. Marcy hands Milo his phone back but doesn't make an effort to exit from under the table, instead pulling his phone out and preparing to embarrass himself even more and explain that no, he didn't know they followed Milo. In fact he had worked himself up completely over the course of the day trying to figure out how he was going to say something. 

 

Marcy pulled himself out from under the table and looks up to see Milo trying his best to hold back a laugh so he can look sympathetic. Marcy pushed Milo down over the lounge telling him he sucks and that he's going to bed now so be quiet.

 

The next few weeks passed quickly and before Marcy knew it he was getting ready to leave for the airport. Sasha had told Marcy that he was more than welcome to stay with her for the week he would be there for, which Marcy had been happy to accept, why turn down a chance to get to see his friends even more? 

 

Speaking of, considering Marcy was meant to be here for Anne‘s birthday, there seemed to be a lot of not seeing Anne going on. When Marcy arrived at the airport it was only Sasha there to pick him up, Anne mustn’t have been able to get out of her shift like she wanted to. On the car ride back to Sasha‘s apartment Marcy tried to get her to budge and spill the secret surprise but Sasha stayed tight lipped on it, taking every chance to swap the conversation to the two of them catching up, there was a lot to talk about, clearly.

 

Anne already had plans with her parents on her actual birthday so the trio instead were going to do Sasha‘s thing the day after, supposedly it was going to be a whole day event. They still were going over on Anne‘s birthday of course, though.

 

Sasha and Marcy showed up towards the end of the party and Anne was ecstatic to see them, even more so when Marcy presented her with the presents she brought with her, the first was a small ceramic red frog with a familiar looking green hat that Marcy had hand made. Anne loved it. The other part was a gift for both of them, Marcy had made them each a friendship bracelet out of their corresponding colours, with accenting beads of the others colours as well, mumbling out an awkwardly presented explanation of how Marcy had missed the both of them so much and now, no matter where they go, be it to the other side of the country or to another dimension, they could always have a piece of each other with them. Anne and Sasha stared in watery disbelief, neither of them had been expecting Marcy to get so sappy on them straight away, but then again it had been a while since any of them had had the chance so they cant really fault him.

 

Sasha‘s day planned, it turned out, mainly consisted of the three of them spending time together. To start of the morning they all went to Anne‘s favourite café and sat around talking and properly catching up as they drained their coffees. Once they were done there the trio went out to the beach, luckily enough it turned out to be a beautiful day for it. This continued on throughout the day, the trio going to various of Anne‘s favourite places and simply enjoying each other‘s company.

 

That was until the end of the day, Sasha said they had one more place on her list to round off the day. Marcy couldn’t imagine how this day could get any better from here honestly. The confusing part came when Marcy realised that Sasha was driving them into an industrial area. Anne seemed to realise this at the same time and voiced the question Marcy hadn’t processed to ask yet, where are we going?

 

Sasha then began on a long ramble about how this part if the day had been the hardest to organise, A few vague statements about a good friend really coming through for her as the car pulled to a stop at the front of a random warehouse building. The three friends get out of the car and Sasha tells the other two who are, Marcy thinks very rightfully, deeply concerned about what is going on right now to "just trust her“.

 

While Marcy was contemplating if this was really worth it or if it was some really elaborate trap and he should get back into the car, a person with short blue hair who for some reason felt very familiar to Marcy walked out of the door and excitedly clapped when they saw the trio. Even if Marcy had no idea where he recognised this person from Anne seemed to know who it was immediately, if the surprised gasp Marcy heard from behind him was any indication.

 

Terri, as Marcy came to know as their name, told the trio to follow them into the warehouse where a strange large contraption sat. Anne, confused, asked what it was, but the pieces were already connecting in Marcy‘s mind.

 

It was a portal.

And he knew exactly where it led.

Notes:

whooooo! thank you so much to anyone who read this whole thing. maybe if i dont hate myself for the rest of the day i'll start posting some of my other ideas and adapting them into actual fics instead of just word vomit. i have revised and edited this more than i have any school assignment i have ever done, not that its a high bar tho lol.

anyone who read this far. i love you. thnx for reading!