Chapter Text
It’s an offhand question that starts to put things into perspective for Seungmin. With how nonchalant the seemingly obvious truth was thrown out it left Seungmin sick with mortification. If it’s so obvious to Yeonjun than it should be to Seungmin himself because it’s about him.
But it wasn’t. So, when he and Yeonjun were hanging out over coffee working on a project for a class they shared Seungmin couldn’t even escape, and had to pretend like everything was fine.
“It’s gotta be weird,” Yeonjun starts and Seungmin only hums that he’s listening while highlighting a few lines of his text book. “That your group still works even with Minho hyung not liking you at all.” Seungmin stops highlighting, but his marker is still leaking ink into the page until it runs through to the following page. Seungmin licks his lips and takes a drink giving himself more time to answer. In actuality almost every interaction Seungmin’s had with Minho is running through his head.
Minho was just joking around, right? That’s just how they joke with each other, and okay maybe they weren’t best friends like Minho and Jisung or Seungmin himself and Jeongin but they were friends.
But with how certain Yeonjun seems makes Seungmin uncertain, makes him have to swallow a lump in his throat.
“Um well, not everyone needs to be best friends and we can be civil,” Seungmin feels like that’s a good answer. He wanted to argue they were friends but the way Yeonjun had his eyes narrowed like he was upset on Seungmin’s behalf, like he knew something Seungmin didn’t even more than the fact Minho actually doesn’t like him has Seungmin holding his tongue.
“It’s not right how he talks to you and about you Minnie,” Seungmin has a death grip on his water bottle, but he’s trying to stay calm.
“About me?” Seungmin wants to wrestle the words back because he does not want to know. Doesn’t want proof. Wants to pretend this conversation never happened.
“Yeah,” Seungmin looks up. He can take this. It’s probably better to know, right? Then he can maybe fix it. Yeonjun is right if Minho doesn’t like him then it would be hard on the group in the long term. He’s one of the last in the group so he’d be the one to go. Minho is integral to the friend group that him, Chan and Changbin started. Jisung is Minho’s best friend so him as well. Felix is like everyone’s favourite and his best friend is Hyunjin. Seungmin met Felix in an English lit elective on the first day and Seungmin only ever had one friend and so he obviously brought Jeongin, the maknae of the group who everyone loves and coddles. So, like it would be easy to kick Seungmin out of the group and steal Jeongin from him anyways. So, it’s better to know and fix it.
“What did he say?” Seungmin thinks his voice comes out normal, but almost too normal that it turn robotic trying to get the words out when it feels like his throat is closing up and his vision is darkening. Seungmin hates not knowing something. Hates being left in the dark like an idiot when everyone clearly knows this. It makes Seungmin angry that Jeongin couldn’t let him know. Couldn’t soften the blow. Maybe Jeongin doesn’t realize that Minho was talking shit. Maybe Jeongin only thought that Seungmin wasn’t Minho’s favourite person but that they were okay enough.
God, he feels so fucking dumb. He told Jeongin in confidence that he maybe sort of had a crush on Minho hyung, that would have been the time. Maybe he did. Jeongin didn’t seem too excited about this newfound gossip, seemed relieved when he asked Seungmin if he was going to confess and Seungmin said of course he was not fucking confessing.
“It was in the gym a couple weeks ago and I finished some intense cardio and instead of just showering and leaving I used the sauna for half an hour. We’ve gone to the gym together and I usually shower quick and get out. I’m only explaining all this because they would have thought I was gone. So, it was just Changbin and Jisung. I didn’t really hear the whole context but Jisung said the words “like Seungmin” and Minho said “what’s there to like about Kim Seungmin? He’s annoying, obnoxious and boring. And when the fuck is he getting those brave removed?” And then Changbin said “you make dinner for him every Thursday hyung, and then Minho said I don’t make dinner for him I make dinner for everyone and he just happens to worm his way in. I’ve never invited him myself to my apartment and the only reason it’s on Thursday is for him when it would work better on Tuesday for everyone else but for some reason everyone wants to cater to him.””
Seungmin thinks he’s going to puke, like actually.
“Uh, what did Jisung or Changbin hyung say to that?” Seungmin is sure he does not look stoic or unbothered in the least. He knows his face has gone pale, can see that Yeonjun wants to reach over and take his hand. Oh fuck. It’s gonna be bad. It’s going to make him burst into tears. He’s okay. He’s okay it doesn’t matter what they say. Changbin always asks him to hang out. Changbin likes him, and so does Jisung, and they are friends with Minho and Minho is just ranting about Seungmin they won’t say anything too bad.
“They just laughed.”
Seungmin has a lot of things that annoy him, but if you look at why they all come from the same place. He hates feeling stupid. He hates not being in on something especially when it’s about him. He’s tried to find ways around it. Tried to make it seem like he doesn’t really care what people think about him so that way he can never get hurt because feeling stupid is getting hurt. It’s thinking your friends like you and finding out they talk shit and laugh at you behind their backs.
“Just… I didn’t want you to feel like shit but I didn’t think it’s right not to let you know.”
“No, thank you for telling me. I really appreciate hyung,” Seungmin feels fucking shaky and he has to leave now. He needs to get stable, get his head on straight and he can’t do it in public with Yeonjun looking at him with pity. That’s another thing Seungmin hates.
Feeling stupid and being pitied remind him too much of his mother.
“Listen, we’re friends. Text me or call me whenever you want to hang out. Anytime especially if you don’t want to deal with anything, if you want to get away,” Pity. Didn’t Minho once say that the only reason Yeonjun wanted to always be his partner in class is because he was sure he could get Seungmin to do all the work? Who’s telling the truth now? Minho wouldn’t spare Seungmin’s feelings, wouldn’t soften the blow like Yeonjun did when he clearly fucking saw through Seungmin’s neutral answer and realized that Seungmin was so fucking stupid that he didn’t even know.
“Yeah, uh thanks hyung. I’ll do that,” Seungmin feels so off balance and he ends up crushing his papers into their binder and throwing the open highlighter into his book bag with his book half open and probably ends up ripping some pages and Seungmin can hear the top of the marker slid across and off the table. Doesn’t matter. “I have to go. Now. Don’t worry I’ll finish the work before Friday and send it over.”
“Seungmin I don’t care about the project. Let me walk you home. Maybe have Jeongin come over?” Seungmin’s shaking his head as his puts his bag over his shoulder.
“No. I can’t right now. I just want to go to my room. I’m fine. I just need a minute, but I’m okay.” Yeonjun just looks at him sadly. “You have to promise me something,” Seungmin says and he hopes he looks pitiful enough that Yeonjun agrees.
“What?”
“Don’t tell anyone what you told me or that you told me, please,”
“I won’t. I only told you because it’s your business. But you should probably talk to someone.”
“I will eventually. I just need to make a plan. You were right it’ll be weird with the group if I uh” Seungmin swallows and blinks back tears and hopes to fuck that it doesn’t looks like he’s seconds away from breaking down. He clears his voice “if I know how he feels now.”
Seungmin bolts out of the cafe. He matches his breathing with his steps. He’s not going to cry. He’s not going to cry in public. It’s fine. Everything is fine. He can still be friends with Jeongin and probably Felix, and Hyunjin is always so nice to him. It’ll be like he and Minho are divorced and can take custody of the friends. Seungmin was being dramatic because Jeongin would pick him over the group. Seungmin doesn’t want to do that. Not to Jeongin since he also only had Seungmin for a friend before the group and he needs them. Seungmin doesn’t want to ruin that for him.
See, it’s better. He’s figured it out. It fine. He may not even cry anymore. Seungmin’s phone dings as he finally trudges into his building and uses the stairs. He pretty sure he won’t cry but he doesn’t chance being alone in an elevator and losing it on some unsuspecting college student.
He checks his phone as he opens the door and wishes he didn’t.
Innie:
4:47pm
Minnie im gonna have to cancel our milkshake meetup tmr Minho hyung is gonna take me for fried chicken you can tag along if you want but I know we were gonna do milkshakes because it’s just a quick hang out.
Is the custody starting now? Was Jeongin only inviting him so it seems like they want him there but really don’t because can’t go? But before this he’d probably still go. Still worm himself in and have Minho, who doesn’t like him, pay for him. Oh, fuck. He’d just sit there like an idiot, annoying and being obnoxious to Minho while he had to endure his company and play nice for Jeongin’s sake.
Minnie:
4:49pm
That’s fine we can go some other time.
I should really get to the library tomorrow as planned to not get behind, but thanks for the offer.
He thinks his text is weird but has no idea how to make it normal.
Innie:
4:50
You sure? You love fried chicken and minho hyung is paying and I thought your paper wasn’t due for two weeks?
Seriously? Now Seungmin thinks Jeongin’s texting is weird. He was expecting an “okay, but if you change your mind let me know,” but then again when has Seungmin turned down free food, when has he ever said no to fried chicken?
Seungmin doesn’t know how to salvage the conversation and make it normal because it’s not. He just needs to make that the new normal. He’ll just avoid Minho until he doesn’t feel so mortified, and he’ll tone his Seungminness down when he has to be near him and everything else will turn out better for everyone.
Yeah, everyone but him, but it’s fine.
Seungmin can’t slow his heavy breathing, but it’s okay once he get his shower running because with the water covering the sound he won’t bother the dorms on either side of him when he starts sobbing.
The water is cold by the time he steps out and looking in the mirror shows he’s a disaster. He can deal with this. It’s fine. People haven’t liked him before it’s why he and Jeongin were each others only friends. It’s just that he didn’t think the other kids in his high school were his friends like he thought Minho was and he’s not really sure how he feels about Jisung and Changbin laughing along to what Minho said. It makes him feel bad, makes him feel more flayed open.
Innie:
5:15pm
Okay if I don’t see you tomorrow I’ll grab you and we can walk to Minho hyung’s apartment for dinner on Thursday I was told we have to pick up cheesecake from that bakery on the way.
Fuck. This is going to be harder than Seungmin thought. But there is no way he can see any of them this week. He needs to get over it and he knows how he is and how it’ll take some time and distance. He won’t be able to avoid Jeongin but he’s sure he’ll be able to avoid everyone else. And maybe by then they’ll all agree it’s better if he’s not around. It won’t hurt so much if he knows it’s coming, if he’s prepared himself.
Seungmin does not sleep well. Keeps playing what Yeonjun said in his head, keeps seeing the pity on his face, and thinking of every time Minho made is so obviously clear that he did not like Seungmin. Seungmin didn’t realize he just thought they were jokes, and laughed along with everyone else when they all knew Minho meant his words and that Seungmin was just stupid.
It makes him cringe. It makes him cry and he can’t stop. He’s a mess in the morning and doesn’t bother to go to the library. He needs an entire day to get over this. He cringes hard enough to muffle an agonized groan into his pillow.
When he and Jeongin were drinking one night and watching a drama together, this moment was blurred by the alcoholic but comes back with a vengeance and in seemingly hd.
“Sometimes I think Minho hyung likes me back,” he remembers saying as he watched the show and Jeongin gave him a flat look that Seungmin thought meant he never wants to hear about Seungmin’s love life or lack thereof. Jeongin didn’t say that, all he did say was:
“He needs to treat you better.”
Seungmin really hates feeling stupid, and he really hates that Jeongin is also involved.
Innie:
2:14pm
You still not coming? hyung says he can come pick you up if you want you’re at the library still?
Why is Jeongin trying to force this? If he knows Minho doesn’t like him and if he knows that Seungmin is an idiot that has a crush on this guy who doesn’t like him, fine don’t tell Seungmin because it’ll hurt his feelings even though Jeongin knows how he feels about feeling stupid, but why have them hangout? Maybe for Seungmin can see for himself at some point how not into Seungmin he is?
Maybe, but that still seems a bit convoluted.
Minnie:
2:16pm
I actually didn’t go. I woke up feeling like shit.
I’m just going to take it easy and I’m probably not going to make it for dinner tomorrow, but we’ll see.
I’ll send you some money for the cheesecake so we can still split it if I don’t end up feeling well enough.
At least he’s got a two for one excuse and it’s not even a lie. Not sick sick, but Seungmin is man enough to admit he’s heartsick.
Innie:
2:18pm
That’s shitty we can bring you soup and medicine on our way
Absolutely not. That will ruin everything. Seungmin isn’t ready to face any of them but especially Minho.
Minnie:
2:20pm
Don’t worry about me. You guys don’t need to do that. I’m just going to go back to sleep, and see how I feel after.
Seungmin turns his phone off after because he thinks it’s worse feeling like this and having someone be nice to him.
He has a four hour nap and when he wakes up, he’s starving hasn’t eaten since an egg tart with Yeonjun at the cafe. He decides to make some instant ramen like the quintessential college kid he is. He finally turns on his phone and he’s groggy enough that he doesn’t feel sad per se just empty when he sees all the notifications on his phone telling him to feel better.
It should make him feel better, should make him doubt Yeonjun but he wouldn’t lie, maybe it was a misunderstanding. Minho has called him annoying and obnoxious before when Seungmin was trying to get a rise out of him, and it was just a joke or it always seemed like one. Everyone calls him boring and it’s not a lie either. He likes what he likes and he’s more of a homebody and he’s a bit of a nerd he knows that. It’s just different when it’s said behind his back.
The braces remark is hurtful but also bizarre. They had a little joke where Seungmin is a puppy, and if Minho was cooking something he’d hand feed Seungmin the “treat” telling him to open his mouth like a puppy. Minho never seemed disgusted or bothered by the braces, if anything, those moments he seemed fond. But Minho can be a good actor when he needs to so maybe he can’t trust any of his recollections.
It is true that Minho himself has never invited Seungmin to anything. It’s always through Jeongin, Chan or Changbin. Seungmin can count on one hand how many times he and Minho have been alone in the last year and a half. Most of those were study sessions. But that makes sense if the only thing he’s good at, the only reason people outside of Jeongin put up with him is because he’s smart and he’s good at tutoring.
His ramen sits there untouched as he realizes Minho is the only one that doesn’t tell him to get well. It shouldn’t hurt. Seungmin gets it now, but it still does and the only bite of ramen sits heavy in his stomach and he throw the rest out.
He showers again, sees that his eyes are swollen and his face is sickly pale. He washes his face and figures if on the off chance he can say it’s allergies if he ends up seeing any of the guys.
The next day when he the goes to his morning class since he skipped two yesterday. The upside of that is he didn’t see Jisung that shares his evening class. Today he doesn’t have any of his friends in his classes and he usually doesn’t see anyone until later at their friends dinner so he thinks he should be in the clear.
As he’s exiting his class that seemed to run longer than ever he see Yeonjun and Soobin waiting outside. He wonders if he hides the grimace he feels on his face, but from the face Yeonjun gives him and the confused one Soobin shoots him he realizes he didn’t.
“Hey Minnie,” Yeonjun says softly pulling Seungmin into a hug and normally Seungmin would push him away but he wants the comfort so he clings a little.
“Something happen?” Soobin asks as he runs a hand through Seungmin’s hair.
“He got some bad news,” Yeonjun’s words cause Seungmin to cringe and move his face into the crook of Yeonjun’s neck.
“Let’s take you to eat.” Soobin says decisively and Seungmin shakes his head.
“It’s Thursday and I’m sick,” Seungmin’s words are muffled into Yeonjun’s throat and Yeonjun’s hands tighten.
“You have anymore classes today?” Seungmin finally releases himself from the hold.
“No, easy day today. I was just planning to get some sleep. I just feel tired.”
“Yeah, I’ll walk you to your dorm,” Yeonjun turns to Soobin, “I’ll be back to the apartment in a while.” The walk is silent until Seungmin can’t take it anymore.
“You don’t have to do this out of pity, you know.”
Yeonjun quirks an odd smile that Seungmin can’t read.
“It’s not pity, if anything, I pity anyone who doesn’t realize how great you are.” Seungmin grins and blushes.
“That’s pretty cheesy, hyung,” Yeonjun grins back.
“It’s the truth plus it made you smile.”
“Shit,” Seungmin says as they get closer to his dorm building.
“What? Oh,” Yeonjun grabs his hand and pulls Seungmin closer to his side. “I got this.”
“Hey Jeongin,” Yeonjun greets as the come upon the other.
“Hi Yeonjun hyung, what are you guys up to?” Seungmin wonders if he still looks as crushed as before, if Jeongin can just see it on his face.
“I just went to pick Minnie up from his class since he wasn’t feeling well Tuesday night to check on him. He still feels a little off so I brought him home.”
“Yeah Innie, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go to dinner. I probably shouldn’t have gone to class but I did feel a little better so I thought I’d be good, but apparently not.” Is he talking too much? Over explaining? No, he tends to do that. It’s normal. He’s being so normal right now.
“Oh, I wasn’t sure because you never answered anyone’s texts yesterday,” okay that isn’t like Seungmin, he is prompt, and he doesn’t like to be left on read so he doesn’t do it to others. Except yesterday since he was a little too unsteady. He didn’t want to deal with anything, had enough problems with his mind not letting him calm down, didn’t need any new clues or signals showing anyone else’s true feelings to bring him lower or their fake words.
“Yeah sorry about that,” Seungmin roots around in his pocket and brings out his wallet and gives Jeongin some cash. “For the cake.” Jeongin frowns at the money and narrows his eyes.
Jeongin
“Hmm,” Jeongin’s knowing hum makes Seungmin grip Yeonjun’s hand tighter, which also brings Jeongin’s eyes to their entwined hands. “You don’t need to give me this if you’re not going to eat it.”
“Yeah, but I mean, I’ve had enough free food and could pitch in more. Think of it as retroactively earning my keep.” Jeongin puts the money in his pocket.
“Oookay,” Jeongin says, “feel better. If you still feel bad tomorrow you have to go to the doctor. I’m going to come check on you. So, text me back.”
“I have to be better by tomorrow I have four classes I can’t be sick. Don’t worry. I’ll see you this weekend sometime, you’re also really busy you can’t take time out of your day to see me, Innie. But I appreciate it.”
All the words make sense. They are normal, but something either about his tone, or something leave Jeongin feeling a sense of dread. He thinks he’ll be surprised if he ends up seeing Seungmin this weekend and he has no idea why.
“Make sure you eat, Minnie,” Jeongin says and Seungmin nods and ducks his head.
“Have a nice dinner Jeongin,” Yeonjun says pulling Seungmin into the building and it makes his best friend hackles rise.
There’s something about his last texts with Seungmin that doesn’t sit well, especially with how stiff and weirdly earnest Seungmin is being. Earning his keep. An odd phase for Seungmin that tries to get everyone’s attention like he’s owed as second maknae.
It’s not until Jeongin is removing his shoes in Minho’s apartment with a large cherry cheesecake in his arms that has him handing the cake off to an overexcited Jisung and has him checking his phone.
Seungmin had a study session with Yeonjun Tuesday. It was last minute Seungmin apologizing to Jeongin for leaving their Netflix drama hour after classes early to run and meet up with him since it was apparently the only time to meet this week to plan out their project.
Seungmin never mentioned he was sick. It’s not odd. Not really. But Jeongin was already surprised that Seungmin turned down fried chicken especially with Minho there and paying. But he didn’t say he was sick just that he wanted to work on a paper that he never ended up doing because he was sick. So sick that Yeonjun, who Jeongin didn’t think were that close not for Yeonjun lack of trying though, felt the need to check up on him two days later.
There’s something Jeongin’s missing.
“What’s that face for?” It’s Chan that asks from his seat on the couch. Everyone’s here except Hyunjin who’s always late.
“Seungmin is acting strange,” Jeongin doesn’t have to look to know he has everyone’s attention.
“What do to mean? He’s still sick?” Jeongin nods his head but feels like a lie. Seungmin is meticulous if he is sick he wouldn’t have gone to class and he would have already been hopped up on medication that he whined to anyone of his hyungs to get him, or Jeongin. But he didn’t even tell Jeongin and he tells Jeongin every minute detail of his life. It’s off.
“Yeah, he didn’t return my text so I wasn’t sure and went to his dorm to see if he was coming to dinner. He was with Yeonjun,” Jeongin doesn’t need to see Minho’s glare to know it’s happening, “said he was just checking up on Minnie after class since he felt sick at their study session.”
“Didn’t think he was close enough to call him Minnie,” Minho’s muttered words are too loud and everyone hears it causing a five person eye roll.
“Oh, I’m pretty sure Yeonjun hyung wants to be closer,” Jeongin can’t help but reply with a smirk.
“Iyen-ah,” Chan says warningly.
“What?” He says innocently, “they were holding hands. Super cute.”
“Innie stop trying to make Minho hyung jealous,” it’s Felix that says this but he’s smiling too wide to take seriously.
Hyunjin comes into the room and looks around the room.
“The vibes are off in here,” he states as he sits beside Jisung pushing him to make more room.
“Innie is trying to make Minho hyung jealous by telling him that Seungmin and Yeonjun were holding hands.” Hyunjin barks out a laugh.
“Trying? More like succeeded, but in Minho’s defence he called it the first time he saw them together. It’s why he always tries to say that Yeonjun is some user only out for his brains.” Jeongin’s eyes narrow.
“You say that to him?”
“Hyung.”
“You say that to him hyung?” Jeongin is not impressed.
“I was just joking. Seungmin can take a joke, he knows how I’m like. I don’t think he’s that sensitive.” Jeongin crashes down next to Felix.
“You’d be surprised,” Jeongin can’t help but mumble catching Felix eyes.
“Plus, isn’t it good Seungmin has other friends to go to?” Felix says trying to be the voice of reason.
“No, my dongsaeng should come to me,” Changbin sounds disgruntled. Felix rolls his eyes.
“Guys, I really think it’s not a big deal. Seungmin is weird sometimes and it’s never really an issue. If it is I’m sure he’ll come to us if he can’t solve it himself. Just give it a little time. You know you’re his best friend and he tells you everything. It’ll be fine.”
Famous last words, Jeongin thinks, because when he thinks about it Seungmin didn’t look so much as sick but sad.
Everyone changes the subject and Jeongin blows out a breath and Felix squeezes his shoulder. When Jeongin looks up he finds Minho watching him. Jeongin can’t help but narrow his eyes because if Seungmin is sad Jeongin would bet every last dollar it’s Minho’s fault. Minho narrows his eyes back. It looks like Minho doesn’t believe the same.
Hyunjin
People think Hyunjin is oblivious, but he’s not, he just thinks it’s better to act like he doesn’t realize things so as to not embarrass someone or make them deal with things they aren’t ready to yet.
It’s really hard to act as stupid as he has been with Seungmin’s slow distancing of himself. He ended up going to Chan’s for a movie night the weekend after his strangeness that had left Jeongin uneasy. Seungmin was different. He still let Hyunjin lay all over him, but there was no joking struggle. Hyunjin felt that Seungmin wanted the skinship, needed it.
Seungmin was off. Not enough to bring up but enough to notice, even without his hands holding Hyunjin’s in place around his waist. He was polite, almost too polite. And way too quiet. He kept close with Hyunjin practically following him around like a puppy, and Hyunjin felt and ignored the glare from Minho, Jeongin, and Changbin. All other members of Seungmin is my favourite fan club.
Hyunjin is pretty sure he’d loose the death match to all of them for the title of president. Surprisingly enough, he thinks Changbin would be out right after. Changbin may be strong but Minho and Jeongin would definitely fight dirty. It would probably be a tie between the last two.
It makes Hyunjin a little smug, not gonna lie, but Hyunjin knows something is wrong, so he can’t take the blatant favouritism. Minho was shut down quick which Hyunjin and Jeongin found surprising. Not that they spoke about it, not that Jeongin even realized anyone but himself knew about Seungmin’s giant crush on Minho. But again, Hyunjin’s obliviousness is an act.
It’s kind of fucked up, Hyunjin thinks, because this night is like going into your house and everything looks the same but everything is rearranged a few inches to the left and muscle memory has you knocking into furniture and dropping mugs when you try to put them on the table. It’s off, but everything looks the same. And the important question is when did the furniture move and why.
Hyunjin wonders if the other members are just jealous and antsy, or if they’re smart enough to realize that Seungmin is upset with them. Hyunjin’s pretty sure Seungmin’s also not pleased with Jisung. Seungmin hasn’t laughed at a single joke. Hyunjin’s also pissed that whatever caused this is the reason he hasn’t seen Seungmin’s cute brace filled smile at all tonight. Only close lipped not reaching his eyes.
Hyunjin wants to punch someone in the face.
Probably Minho, maybe Hyunjin will put him in a fucking air fryer, because it’s definitely that coward’s fault.
It’s not until halfway through the second movie that Hyunjin feels Seungmin’s phone go off and glances at a text from Yeonjun that Hyunjin sees the glare off Seungmin’s braces when he smiles and opens the message.
Hyunjin doesn’t feel bad about reading over Seungmin’s shoulder. He sees that Yeonjun had texted before asking if Seungmin was sure he wanted to go to movie night and not out to dinner with the txt guys. When Seungmin said “I don’t want to stand them up again. I’ll be fine.” Hyunjin started to get real worried. The latest text was Yeonjun saying he was outside and sorry that he was early but he can wait. It’s when Seungmin replies back that it’s okay and he’ll be right out that Hyunjin decides that hates this guy.
“Hey, sorry to up and leave but Yeonjun got here early to pick me up. I’ll see everyone later. Thanks for the snacks.” Seungmin says to the group at large as he scurries off Hyunjin’s lap and makes his way to the door to put on his shoes.
“Seungminnieeeee,” Changbin whines, “we always get an ice cream on the way home. Are you breaking up with me for Yeonjun? I’ll fight him for your honour.” Hyunjin can see the Seungmin’s smile dim at Changbin’s words but with the way Seungmin’s turned no one else but he and Felix can see it, and that’s if Felix is looking but Hyunjin can’t turn his eyes from this car crash.
“Sorry, h..hyung,” Seungmin says smiling another close lipped one that doesn’t shine like normal. Was that a random stutter or hesitance to call Changbin hyung? That’s what it seems like to Hyunjin and he really hopes that he’s not the only one that’s seems super aware of everything. “I forgot. I’ll make it up to you later. See you guys.”
And he’s out the door.
“He’s definitely not making anything up to Changbin hyung,” it’s the way Felix whispers into Hyunjin’s ear and stresses hyung that makes Hyunjin sigh in relief. He’s not the only one that caught that.
Jisung
No one mentions how Seungmin keeps ending up so busy for a guy that used to be down to hang out basically anytime someone asked. Especially since he’s hanging out with txt a lot.
He and Seungmin may not be the closest in the group but he’d still call them close friends. Jisung can tell, just as well as everyone else, that Seungmin feels a way about them.
He knows it’s driving Jeongin crazy when Seungmin leaves him on read or doesn’t reply for hours. Always with an excuse for why he can’t hang out and when he does he’s not the Seungmin they know but some shell of a person and he always leaves early.
He knows himself that Seungmin is getting real close with all the txt guys and he knows that everyone keeps bumping into him when he’s out with them. He also knows that the rest of the guys hide some of it from Jeongin and Minho because let’s be honest those two are psychos and may end up hurting someone.
“So,” it’s Hyunjin that first speaks glaring at the figures a few tables over. “When are we going to admit that those fucks are stealing our Minnie?” It causes Jisung to bark out a laugh that has Hyunjin turning his glare at him. It’s funny because Hyunjin really doesn’t like how Beomgyu is his doppelgänger with the way he’s always hugging and touching Seungmin.
“Uh, probably when Minho hyung, Changbin hyung, Jisung and Innie figure out what they did?” Felix is trying to be nice about it but he’s still a little pissed that even he was brushed off two days ago when he attempted to ambush Seungmin to go out to dinner with Felix and Minho and Jeongin. Felix thinks if the other two weren’t there he would have agreed to hang out.
“I haven’t done anything to him,” Jisung says for what feels like the hundredth time.
“Me neither,” thing is Changbin doesn’t sound so sure, but Jisung knows he has no idea what he could have done.
“I think he just doesn’t know how to handle this many new friends especially two different groups. Maybe I can talk to him about how we’re feeling and I’m sure everything will go back to normal,” Hyunjin scoffs and he’s supposed to be the dumb one.
“That is literally the worst idea ever hyung,” Hyunjin is still glaring and Jisung thinks he probably should stop to not draw attention to himself. “I’m better looking that Beomgyu and Kai, right?” Felix smirks and Changbin roll his eyes, and Chan just frowns but Jisung thinks it’s more about the worst idea thing.
“Okay, well maybe we can make it easier for him and tell him to invite them over when we all hang out.”
“Yep. Yeah that’s a better idea. Great plan, hyung,” Hyunjin says sarcastically that brings Chans frown back tenfold. “You really want Minho hyung and Yeonjun sunbae in the same place as Seungmin? Honestly, if we’re going to do that than let’s just set up the battle royal. I’ll take out Beomgyu, Chan hyung you can take out Soobin, Minho hyung kills Yeonjun, Innie fucks up Kai and Changbin can destroy Taehyun.”
“Hyunjin,” Chan sighs, “I really think you’re being dramatic.” Jisung doesn’t think so and he’s pretty sure Felix and Changbin don’t either.
“Okay hyung,” Hyunjin says placatingly, but his smile is a little too sharp and not sincere. “I’ll be sure to say I told you so when you see what we all see.” Hyunjin must really be upset because he doesn’t finish his lunch before getting up with his tray and leaving.
No one says anything for a moment and the silence is broken from loud giggling from Seungmin with Beomgyu tickling the noises from him. Jisung wonders if they’re all thinking the same thing when’s the last time Seungmin laughed with them? When’s the last time he grinned at any of them and not at his phone or when mentioning the evil doppelgängers?
Felix
Felix liked to fix problems. He may have brushed off Jeongin’s unease in the beginning like mostly everyone else. It’s just now with all of Hyunjin’s evidence, that he was told with the threat of death if Felix let anyone onto Hyunjin detective abilities, the picture is a little clearer.
Changbin has also confided that he feels the one most avoided. Felix is sure it’s second most because as per Hyunjin he knows Seungmin has a crush on Minho. It’s a little maddening that if Jeongin let it slip to Minho maybe they’d be dating instead of whatever this is.
Felix now knows that Seungmin is mostly upset at Minho and Changbin and Felix supposes that’s A) that they were involved in something, and B) Minho is his crush it’s normal to be more upset about something concerning them and Changbin is Seungmin’s main hyung. Changbin would be the one Seungmin went to other than Jeongin if he had a problem. But if Changbin is part of this problem then he wouldn’t.
Innie is probably collateral damage since he’s the closest person to Seungmin and knows him the best. Seungmin knows if they get alone, or talk for any length of time that Innie will figure him out. That’s another clue.
Seungmin doesn’t want anyone to figure it out. Seungmin still thinks the group doesn’t know what’s going on. Still thinks his excuses are being bought by everyone. Which makes no sense because Felix is sure Changbin and Innie have basically been blowing up his phone.
The wild card seems to be Jisung. Seungmin doesn’t seem to be upset with Hyunjin, in fact clings to him when Seungmin ventures out with them. Felix himself knows that they’re fine and has been bumped to also be semi-clung too. Chan also in his good books but there’s a little hesitance. Hyunjin chalked that up to Chan knowing Minho, Changbin and Jisung longer and being their leader.
That makes sense everyone was close but Felix and Hyunjin were interlopers to the group and they came together. Jeongin and Seungmin also came together. Still Jisung is odd because again Felix and Hyunjin don’t think Seungmin would ice Jisung out just because he’s upset with Minho and they’re best friends so they’ve decided he must be part of it.
None of them can think of what they’ve done wrong. Minho even said he’d been nicer lately. Which Jeongin said was noted by Seungmin without disclosing anymore information. Hyunjin said that should have been a good thing to have your crush act nicer so it wasn’t as if Seungmin was uncomfortable because again Jeongin would put an end to that.
Jisung and Seungmin usually get along. They have similar sets of humour and they play the same video games. If what Hyunjin said is true Jisung is even trying to get Minho to confess.
Felix is figuring this shit out.
“I’m calling a meeting with everyone but Chan hyung since he thinks we’re all freaks.”
“Fan club assemble, plus Jisung,” Hyunjin says from his bed. Felix isn’t sure he’s in the club, not that he doesn’t love Seungmin, but Hyunjin laughs.
“No, you’re part of us now. I see you want to crack some skulls even if you don’t know why. Our puppy invokes violence because he’s so cute and you never want to see him sad.” Hyunjin cracks his neck in agitation. “If this goes on for much longer I’m pretty sure I could take Minho hyung.”
Felix thinks those are some big words for someone that got Kleenex stuffed into his mouth yesterday, but funnily enough Felix doesn’t actually disagree. But not for the same reason, since if this goes on much longer Minho might beat up himself for how sad he looks every time Seungmin leaves early to go with Yeonjun.
Changbin
“I’ve brought you all here to get to the bottom of the Seungmin debacle,” here being Felix and Hyunjin’s ridiculously tiny double dorm room that six grown men are crammed into. “I will start by going through the evidence.” No one even makes a joke, not even Jisung, probably because he’s taken the brunt of Minho’s anguish, since Innie can barely look at him.
“We can agree that this isn’t just Seungmin not being able to keep up with two groups. I’m not going to blame anyone but something must have happened to have him upset. Seungmin is logical and meticulous so this is him actively avoiding certain people.” Felix tries to soften but Changbin feels like shit and has done since the second time Seungmin just happened to have plans and conveniently forgot about their regular unspoken meet ups. Things they just always did but never needed to schedule or ask if the other person was still coming because it was their routine.
Seungmin didn’t forget. Seungmin never forgets and was avoiding him. He’s racked his brain these last weeks and could not figure it out so he’s glad Felix called this meeting maybe they could actually figure it out between them all.
“Jisung, Changbin hyung and Minho hyung,” Felix doesn’t bother looking at them and writes their names on his dry erase board.
“Me too,” Jeongin says sadly and Changbin catches Hyunjin shaking his head.
“No. I think he doesn’t want you to figure him out. He’s trying to be normal and trying to hide he’s upset. He still comes to dinners and movie night. Unfortunately, you know him the best and he knows that he wouldn’t be able to lie to you outright. Yeah, he’s saying he’s busying and that he’s sick or tired but to him I don’t think that’s an actually lie. It’s just he’s making himself busy.” And sick and tired with whatever upset him is left unsaid. “None of you can figure out what you did. So, when did this start?”
“That dinner when Jeongin said he thought something was off with Seungmin and Seungmin said he was sick and he was with Yeonjun.” It’s Jisung who answers.
“I don’t think it’s then. They met up on Tuesday and while they were studying Seungmin got sick and had to leave. Seungmin didn’t go to class that Wednesday and that Thursday he didn’t come to dinner. I was with him Tuesday just before he went and he was fine. Normal.”
“Yeonjun knows what it is then. Innie said Yeonjun was so concerned that he picked up Minnie after class,” Hyunjin reminds them.
“Maybe Yeonjun is what it is” Minho accuses. “We aren’t fans of one another and I’ve said some things about him to Seungmin maybe he did the same thing.”
“Hmm, yeah, seems a little petty. I see how it’s your thing but I don’t get that vibe from him to make up shit to make you look bad,” Hyunjin says.
“And why bring me and Changbin into it? Like we get along fine with him. He could have easily talked shit about you, compliment and really put the moves on Seungmin until he jumped on Yeonjun’s dick without involving us.”
“Because you’d be on my side. You wouldn’t let Yeonjun date Seungmin like he would be better for him than me.”
“That day I told you he was sick did you even text him?” Jeongin’s words are harsh. “I don’t think I could deny how good a boyfriend Yeonjun hyung would be to Seungmin when you haven’t ever been a good friend to him.”
“What? Of course I am. You’re talking about the jokes. He does it back to me, it’s banter.”
“If it’s just banter. If he can take a joke then why does everyone here think it’s your fault? I bet even if Chan doesn’t believe us if he had to take a wild guess he’d pick you too. You know I’m right. You know how I know you know I’m right? Because you’re sure it’s your fault too.” Jeongin chuckles darkly. “You couldn’t even send a text hyung, and Yeonjun came to get him after class and tuck him away in bed. Who would you say is the better choice for a boyfriend?”
Wow. Changbin knew little Innie was feisty but he didn’t think he had that in him, not that Changbin thinks he’s wrong but could have softened the blow a bit.
Minho doesn’t say a word in his own defence and looks like he may want to throw up a little.
“Um, so yeah, let’s go back to not blaming anyone. Because even if Minho is the catalyst whatever it is can’t be true, right? Like how would Yeonjun know something to tell Seungmin about the three of you?”
Changbin is staring at the floor when Felix speaks and his eyes widen and find Jisung with identical expressions. Changbin shakes his head to make sure Jisung doesn’t speak. He knows Minho won’t.
The gym.
The place Minho goes to rant about Kim Seungmin because he’s too chickenshit to do anything about his feelings other than deny them when everyone except Seungmin himself knows the truth.
Changbin isn’t sure what Yeonjun would have heard. Minho usually waits until they’re alone to start his rants that usually go from anger and denial and yes some irrational mean comments that everyone in the group know he means the opposite of.
Seungmin’s an idiot actually means he’s so smart and Minho is so proud of whatever grade he just got back. Seungmin’s boring and annoying? Minho is so down bad that all he wants is Seungmin’s body under him. Jisung and Changbin just kind of stop listening. If Minho brings up Seungmin’s braces? It means Seungmin was smiling so much the last time they were together and Minho doesn’t know how to use words to explain that he’s actually super attracted to Seungmin and wants all the smiles to himself. Jisung and Changbin have a running bet about how upset Minho will be for a bit when Seungmin gets them removed in a few months.
Changbin knows how damning Minho’s words can be and he and Jisung’s apparent agreement or indifference to whatever crazy tsundere bullshit Minho spews. Fuck, if Seungmin wasn’t so oblivious about Minho’s feelings he’d know that everyone can decode Minho and know he’s not talking shit.
Yeonjun wouldn’t necessarily know that Minho is a contrary coward. Yeonjun would just think that he’s heard Seungmin’s friends talking shit about him and acted accordingly.
“This is a shit show. I’m going to talk to Yeonjun.”
“So, you know what happened?” It’s Hyunjin that asks.
“I think I do, partly. I think talking to Yeonjun if he cooperates I’ll know fully and then we can hopefully fix it.” Changbin says and starts getting up.
“So we can fix it?” Minhos voice is small and defeated.
“Yeah, but you should prepare yourself.”
Changbin leaves the dorm and goes off to find Yeonjun. Yeonjun doesn’t normally have their gym schedule but sometimes with homework or other obligations he ends up working out at the same time maybe once every two weeks. Yeonjun had mentioned he normally tries to go in the early afternoon when most people are in class. Changbin can’t remember which days Yeonjun mentioned but he’s hoping it’s today. If it’s not he’ll track him down another way.
Changbin is lucky as he sees Yeonjun emerge from the change room clearly showered and finished his work out. Yeonjun sees him and doesn’t look surprised.
“Can we grab a coffee or something and talk?” Yeonjun nods and leads the way.
“You’re paying,”
“Wouldn’t expect anything else.”
The cafe is dead just a lone barista behind the counter going straight back to his phone as soon as he completed their orders.
“I thought I’d see you earlier to be honest.” Yeonjun takes a sip of his iced latte.
“Yeah, in hindsight, I should have. But no one had a clue of what was wrong and he still hung out with us he was just more reserved.”
“Hmm, should have been a huge red flag because my Minnie isn’t so reserved with his friends, in public or with strangers that’s a different story.” Oh, it’s going to be like that, is it.
“This is a misunderstanding. You know that right? Whatever you heard and whatever you told him was taken completely out of context.” Yeonjun shrugs and oh it’s like that. “Of course you know that. You probably know that whatever Minho said he didn’t mean because you know Minho likes him and is a fucking weird stalker. It’s pretty fucked up you’re this manipulative. Tell Seungmin what you heard and when he’s vulnerable bring him to you, and your fucking friends that seem to be in on it with you.”
“Wow. You guys are fucked. You really think I’m manipulating him? The fact is could you imagine what would happen if it wasn’t me that heard what Minho said and what you and Jisung laughed at and it was Seungmin? And fuck you guys for allowing Minho to treat Seungmin like shit and he takes the crumbs like that’s all he deserves. That’s toxic as shit, negging him is manipulative as shit, don’t you think? For a kid like Seungmin and all that shit that people think he’s not sensitive but he is. And he’s too fucking nice because if I were him I’d cut all you bastards but he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. He wants everything to go back to normal but how can it go back to normal when he doesn’t know who’s going to be laughing behind his back next.”
“I know Minho is fucked up and has fucked up, but he’s not an enemy. He has issues.” Yeonjun scoffs.
“We all have fucking issues doesn’t mean we should unleash them on others.”
“Of course you’re fucking right. But sometimes we can’t.”
“You know what I’ve realized over the last month with Seungmin? He hates feeling stupid or left out. Hates it. When I told him what I’d heard I knew it was going to be a blow, but I stand by it. Your friends, the hyung that’s supposed to take care of you, shouldn’t treat you that way. I just wanted to show him he deserves better. Deserves friends he doesn’t have to tiptoe around. You don’t know him and you don’t pay attention to him. You see how much he likes skinship with us? How much he’ll give and receive it? I figured one day awhile ago someone must made a comment to him and then he hid himself. He doesn’t hate it. He doesn’t want to push people away but that’s what he does. Not when people embrace it though. Not when people care about him. Laugh at his jokes all you want but ever heard how self deprecating they are? He’s always the butt of his own joke so he gets there first. That’s what he assumes will happen. How many times have you proved him right.”
Yeonjun doesn’t say anything as he gets up to leave, and Changbin doesn’t bother saying anything in his defence. What he does do is grab his phone with trembling hands and calls Chan.
“Hyung, you busy?” He knows his voice shaky enough that even if Chan was busy he isn’t anymore. “We fucked up, hyung.”
Chan
Chan isn’t stupid. He is aware enough to see what’s going on, but being a hyung to seven guys is tough. Sometimes they fight and it’s not Chans job to fix everything. Oh, he’ll step in when needed but his approach is to let them work it out on their own. If they can do it that way without some sort of mediator it’ll make their friendship stronger.
In retrospect, Seungmin wasn’t like the rest. Wasn’t like Hyunjin and Jisung who were quick to anger and quicker to make up. He wasn’t like Felix with a naturally positive and calming force who could forgive easily with a sincere apology. He wasn’t like Changbin who would prefer action over words. He definitely wasn’t like Minho the feral cat that wanted to push people away to see what it took to make them snap. Hurt them before they hurt you. Maybe Seungmin and Minho were more similar than they thought.
Seungmin it turned out was like a loyal abused puppy, would keep coming back for more because you picked him and he had never been picked before. Seungmin would hurt for the betterment of his pack even if it left him bruised and broken and just as lonely as before.
Chan feels like an asshole not to have caught how Seungmin truly was hidden behind his happy go lucky brat persona. Jeongin tried to warn them, little comments here and there, not too much to give away Seungmin’s secrets but enough if they weren’t so blind to it.
Jeongin was never too keen on Minho crushing on Seungmin and no one but Hyunjin seemed to understand. Turns out Seungmin is too soft for Minho, but Chan doesn’t count him out. Chan knows Minho better and he and Jisung knew if Minho finally got his head out of his ass he’d be the sappiest, softest and sweetest boyfriend that it’d make Seungmin’s head spin.
Chan can admit that Minho has done a shit job. But Chan is hands off so he was anticipating some cliche moment where either Seungmin showed interest in someone else or someone else showed interest with intent to Seungmin. Chan can’t say he wasn’t disappointed when Yeonjun took an interest and Minho doubled down on being an asshole.
Chan still didn’t think it was his place to interfere. He may know Minho longer but all of them are his dongsaengs and he isn’t going to play favourites or pick sides. If Minho couldn’t get it together and someone came along treated and Seungmin right and as long as Seungmin was happy than it was more than fine by Chan. Chan wasn’t going to force anyone to do anything.
If Seungmin’s issue was just about Minho then he would stand by his seemingly indifference. Seemingly because he wasn’t going to go along with everyone accusing txt of trying to steal Seungmin. Seungmin is a person and you can’t steal people without some sort of felony like kidnapping or trafficking. That clearly was not what was happening. He wasn’t blind to Seungmin spending more time with the other group, but Chan figured he was sorting himself out. For whatever reason, Minho or not.
With Changbin crying on his shoulder explaining how they all were horrible friends except Hyunjin who was now the president of the fan club. Which made Chan wonder if Seungmin even knew of the fan club and the smug looks when one got a point for a smile, a laugh, apparently two for a giggle fit and ten if Seungmin instigated skinship especially cuddling.
So, Hyunjin’s definitely in the lead with how Seungmin’s been clinging to him. Jeongin hasn’t lost any points but he hasn’t gained any. Minho and Changbin? Losing points every day. He’s sure Changbin sniffled that he’s in the red now.
But does Seungmin know about this? Chan doesn’t think so if Seungmin did he thinks this wouldn’t have happened even with Minho’s words. If he did Seungmin would trust them instead of only being loyal.
That was Chan’s issue that lack of trust. Seungmin should have come to him if he was having a serious problem. After ruminating on it he think he realizes Seungmin’s why. He doesn’t know about the fan club, doesn’t realize that when Felix bakes it’s mostly for Seungmin because he’s the most appreciative, most flattering, and because it makes Seungmin the most happy. It’s probably why he and Jisung are a bit distanced compared to everyone else it must be daunting on Jisung to even try to get closer with Seungmin when those psychopaths are around.
Seungmin thinks that everyone else is closer to each other and he’s the interloper and can’t rock the boat or else he’d be the one to go. He doesn’t realize that Chan would step in and no one was going anywhere. But how could he when Chans let this go on for three months already.
Fuck, all of them were emotional immature and don’t know how to communicate.
Chan is going to fix it though. He’ll apologize for being a bad hyung, and try to figure out what started this and explain because there is an explanation. Chan is sure like they’re all sure it’s some sort of misunderstanding, not to say no one’s at fault or that they all aren’t. But that’s not how they feel, that’s not what they mean, and they’ll do better.
Chan is waiting for Seungmin’s lecture to finish. He’ll see if he’ll be able to take him for lunch and talk through things. Seungmin is looking a little thinner these days. He’ll fix things. He knows it’s possible.
Now, Chan generally likes everyone unless they do something to him or his friends. He should like Yeonjun and Soobin and everyone else and he says he does. But when he sees them both come to wait outside the lecture hall he feels his hackles rise. They greet him politely if not a little stiffly and Chan replies the same.
It’s not until Seungmin comes out of his lecture with a stream of other students and make a beeline to Yeonjun and Soobin who are on the other side of the wall with a wide blinding grin that Chan feels unsure of himself.
“Hey hyungs,” Chan hears him say through the bodies that pass between them. “I’m starving!”
“I know you are, and where does my favourite dongsaeng want to go?” Chan swears Soobin’s eyes lock onto his for a moment. Can see the blush on the tips of Seungmin’s ears.
“Anywhere, I’m easy,” which is what he always replies with before Jisung or Hyunjin or someone else screams what they want.
“No, Minnie, where do you want to go,” Soobin seems serious in a way that again makes Chan feel uneasy.
“Um there’s that new sushi place by your apartment that looks really good.” Soobin smile and ruffles his hair.
“Of course it’s sushi your favourite,” Chan didn’t know that Seungmin likes sushi enough to be his favourite can’t remember a time they went for it.
“I think someone else is here to see you,” Yeonjun says and Chan hasn’t been looking at him but he’s pretty sure Yeonjun is watching him like a hawk.
“Oh hey Chan hyung,” even that makes Chan feel worse. Not channie hyung, or just hyung, he has to specify it’s Chan hyung, not like Yeonjun and Soobin who now seem to be his main ones.
“Hey Minnie,” Seungmin is looking at him like he has no idea why he’s here and that stings. It shouldn’t since Chan’s an idiot and only kept up with texting and never came to see him trying to give Seungmin space clearly too much because it feels like there is a gulf between them.
“You waiting for Minho sunbae? His class is down the hall a bit.”
Chan feels himself pale.
“Uh no, I came to see if you wanted to have lunch, but I can see you have plans,” Seungmin nods with his head tilted to the side. Chan is in disbelief with how confused Seungmin is.
They really did fuck up. He may have agree with Hyunjin and take out Soobin. The dick.
Chan feels himself getting more worked up later that day when he’s waiting for the others to come to Thursday dinner. Seungmin bails on again and Chan wonders if it’s because he came to see Seungmin or he’d already decided before.
Once everyone sits down Chan can’t hold it in any longer.
“They aren’t stealing him from us,” Chan doesn’t have to specify and there’s a burst of objections. “No, they aren’t stealing him. He’s stolen.” No one speaks. “He called me Chan hyung. Not channie or just hyung. And he called Minho sunbae.” There’s a gasp.
“No. Fuck this. We know it’s a misunderstanding. We have been pussyfooting around as to not pressure Seungmin and we keep waiting for him to come back. No. I’m going to go talk to him. You all told me to stay away from him,” Chan wants to point out he didn’t, if anything he wanted them to talk, but since he was being neutral as fuck he didn’t say anything.
“I’ll show him sunbae.”
Minho leaves.
“What the fuck does that even mean?”
Minho
They say you don’t even know that you’re in the eye of the storm until it’s too late. Minho can attest to that because the way everything is turning to shit and slipping through his grasp like water really puts a fine point in it.
Especially because it’s all his fault that he became so complacent and unaware of the consequences of his actions.
“I need to speak with you.” Minho says through the crack in the door. He sees Seungmin’s face and hates himself seeing the crestfallen expression, but he perseveres and pushes into Seungmin’s dorm. Yeonjun is on the bed. Yeonjun is on Kim Seungmin’s bed and Minho feels something ugly unfurl in his chest. “Alone.” Minho is not doing this with that bastard around and he is doing this.
“Minnie, you want me to stay?” Minho figures Seungmin doesn’t even want to stay at this point but shakes his head.
“It’s okay hyung I’ll call you later,”
“Yeah, hyung, he’ll call you later,” Minho can’t help his asshole and petty tendencies. He can however back them up as Yeonjun shoots him a glare.
Seungmin sits down on his bed looking small and fragile. Minho doesn’t really do delicate and he doesn’t think that’s what Seungmin needs.
“I know you’re upset,” Minho puts a hand out to stop Seungmin from speaking. “I want to say some things and I don’t want you to interrupt me. I don’t deserve it but you should know the reasons I am how I am. It’s not an excuse. I am an asshole. I don’t know how to regulate my emotions or how to act like a normal person. But it’s an explanation, not an excuse. I am sorry for anything I’ve ever said that hurt you. I will say that however ridiculous it sounds whatever I’ve said to you or about you I don’t mean. I speak in lies. Everything I’ve said to you, for the most part, should be taken to mean the opposite.” Seungmin looks confused and a little pissed, but Minho plows through.
“I like you. I like you a lot. I think you’re nice, and funny and caring and loyal and beautiful. And more,” Minho feels his face heat and his palms sweat but he deserves to feel this sickeningly vulnerable considering how Seungmin has felt these last months. “I know you probably don’t believe me but if you ask any of the guys they’ll tell you. Jisung probably has the most embarrassing information.”
“Jeongin never said.”
“Uh yeah, he doesn’t think I’m good enough for you and really he’s not wrong with how I am to you. I don’t think he wanted you to know in case you ever had feelings or a crush and just let me get away with it.” Minho breathes in deep before continuing.
“You know I was raised by a single mother,” Seungmin nods, “it wasn’t always like that. My dad lived with us until I was eight. He was a businessman so he was away for work a lot. But he always made sure to be home for our birthdays and most of the time he couldn’t make it the day of the holidays but either just before or after and we’d celebrate either early or late. I never minded because it was like I got to celebrate twice because we’d do a big thing for the three of us and then my mom and I would do something little on the day.” Minho pushes his hair back. He hasn’t talked about this much, just with Chan, and it was so long ago. It still makes him feel the same. Like that same naive eight year old boy even if he is twenty three now.
“It was such a series of coincidences that led me to the truth. My friends mother wanting to take me to the beach two towns over on that day and at that time. My mother not being able to talk to my father for a couple days because of business that she couldn’t keep him updated on me and my summer plans. If he had just answered his phone maybe it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did,” Minho shrugs and sends Seungmin a wry smile. “But he didn’t and sealed his own fate. I was so excited to go to the beach. I was never really allowed. Plans always fell through. I didn’t realize there was a reason for that. The closest beach was the one two towns over. A measly two hour drive.”
“We were going to swim, and play. We were going to get corn dogs for lunch and ice cream for dessert. I was so happy,” Minho can feel the tears wanting to fall from his eyes but he just looks to the ceiling to stave them off. “Then I saw him. My dad, with a women closer to his age than my mom, and three children. They oldest had to have been almost ten years older than me, and the youngest close to my age. And the middle somewhere in between.”
“I knew something was wrong. I was young but I knew it was wrong. He was treating some other lady like my mom. Laughing and hugging her and then he grabbed the youngest kid, a girl, and she squealed and laughed as he threw her in the water. At this point I’m frozen and I’m feeling sick because something isn’t right and I wanted it to be right. My friend and his mom have finally caught on that I’m just staring at this family. Caught on right as the girl splashes my dad back and says “Daddy I didn’t want to get my hair wet!” And he laughed and said “it was going to get wet anyways sweetheart.”
Seungmin’s silent but he’s sitting at the edge of the bed, eyes staring unwavering at Minho on his computer chair.
“My friend was smart, pretty sure now he’s even graduated University early, so I think he understood. His mom certainly did because she bent down enough to hide my father’s other family from view. She asked me if I was okay, probably just for something to say, and I remember shaking my head hard and like lunging for her wrapping my arms so hard around her and sobbing. I kept saying I wanted to go home. That I’m sorry but I want to go home. Saying I wanted my mom. I needed my mom,” Minho blows out a breath, and inhales, and breathes out again. “She took me home. My friend just held my hand in the backseat and didn’t say a word.”
“I remember seeing my mom gardening. She loved gardening and she was smiling and watering the rose bushes. I jumped out of the car before it was even in park. I scraped my knee. I was still crying, not the sobs, but my face and shirt were soaked. I didn’t make a noise just got back up and ran at her. She saw me coming as soon as she heard the car door slam shut. I jumped into her arms held her as tight as I could. I was trying to speak but it was so garbled and I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe. She kept trying to shush me, comfort me and tell me everything was fine and everything was going to be but I knew that was a lie. It just made me cry harder. My friend’s mom came up. And again looking back she had no clue what to do. Her and my mother weren’t close. Enough to have my friend over or me over to their house. Friendly but not friends. And now this stranger has just seen my mom’s husband cheating on her or that my mom the other woman and clearly had no idea. She just said that I had seen something that really upset me and that if my mom needed her to give her a call. She apologized. I remember knowing my mom probably thought it was because I was crying but I knew she was apologizing for what my dad did.”
“My mom calmed me down a bit, washed my face and changed my shirt. She was doing a load of laundry. She said she’s be right back and I could talk or we’d snuggle up for a movie until I was ready. The phone rang and I imagined it was my dad so I picked it up quickly and hung it up. I left it so it was off the hook and anyone would get a busy signal if they tried to call.” The laundry room was in the basement so she didn’t hear the phone. She came back in the room and asked me if I was ready to talk. I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to fix it, or tell me if was a mistake. I didn’t want to be burdened with it anymore.”
“I told her Daddy has another family. I never figured out if she had absolutely no clue or suspected. As I got older I realized we were obviously the second family. My mother was younger, and I was younger than my half siblings. We never got visited on the holidays only before or after.”
“I had to pick between speaking the truth or lying and denying everything I saw everything I knew about my piece of shit father. I picked the truth. I picked wrong.”
“My mother never said anything just hugged me closer. She is strong. The strongest person I know, but it broke her. I think because I knew, because my friends mom obviously knew she had to do what was right rather than what she wanted. She was the type of woman that knew her worth and would tell her friend’s to leave their husbands if they didn’t treat them properly. But this was out of left field. My dad and mom never fought. He didn’t smoke or drink too much. So to realize she was the other woman and realize things weren’t perfect even though they seemed it. It destroyed my mom.”
“The next time my dad came home, a few days later, I was sick. I couldn’t stand the tension and I still hoped I was wrong but what could explain it? I remember listening in on their conversation. My mom was a boss. Stone cold. She wouldn’t give him an inch. “How’s your wife and three beautiful children?” She asked and he tried to play dumb. I learned later that all she wanted was an apology. All she wanted was him to admit he was wrong. He didn’t after he realized that my mom knew, and that I knew, he begged her not to tell his real family.” Seungmin makes a sad sound and Minho smiles humourlessly.
“Yeah, his real family. My dad picked his real wife, his real kids, and never looked back. I couldn’t remember what he and I were doing the last time before I found out. Every time I tried to think of him I just pictured him laughing with his daughter. My mom kept track of them to make sure we weren’t in the same place. It worked up until coming here. I saw my dad for the first time in ten years when he came back to the house. I wanted to kill him. I’ve never hated anyone more than him.”
“Now, maybe he was trying to reconcile. Nah, he was making sure I wouldn’t be in the same classes or school as his daughter. So I wouldn’t tell her anything,”
“What did you say?” Seungmin softly asks and Minho smiles, this time with amusement.
“I told him I didn’t give a fuck about him, and I didn’t give a fuck about his family. That the day I saw him at the beach he was dead to me. I wouldn’t be talking to anyone about my father because I didn’t have one. If anyone asks I’m immaculately conceived. I then told him to leave and that this better be the last time I ever see him. As he was walking out the door I said how I know siblings and children are more likely to be a match but don’t contact me if anyone needs a transplant.”
“He said his children are innocent. I laughed and said I’m your child too and I’m not. If you wanted to be a good man, you wouldn’t have even done this, but you did. You could have come clean, you could have been honest and yeah would your life go to shit? Yeah but ours did and you didn’t give a fuck so it’s on your head if something happens like that. If you told your wife and your kids what a piece of shit you are it would absolve them the sins of their father, but you didn’t. You ran and left me and my mother to struggle and even now you only come back here to continue to cover your lies. Like I said. I don’t have a father and I sure as fuck don’t have siblings.”
“I ended things by saying I’d tell him to have a nice life, but we’d both know I’m not a liar. Clearly somethings don’t run in the family.”
“And that’s my sob story. That’s my stupid explanation for why it’s so hard to let anyone get close. I was fully aware of what I was doing, you know, but not. I knew when Felix brought you and Innie to one of our game nights that I thought you were attractive. Which was fine. It just didn’t take long for me to like you more than just that, and anticipate seeing you, and thinking about what I should wear and other embarrassing things. I joke around with everyone when they join the group, just to see if they’ll jive or how the react, but usually I soften up. Usually I’m not actively putting people down. Usually I don’t need to have a ranting session with Jisung and Changbin at the gym we’re I lie and talk ridiculous shit that is so obviously not true that they laugh at my emotional constipation. I usually don’t follow that up with excruciating detail about how everything I just said is a lie.”
Seungmin
“I know I fucked up. I know I’m an asshole. I know when it comes to you I’m so terrified that I lash out that I can’t be normal. It’s one thing having friends and trusting them but I’ve never liked or wanted anyone the way I do you, so I didn’t know I was this stupid. I just thought that if I let you in, let you love me and vice versa, one day I’d be the one smiling at my garden with no clue that my world would be crashing down.” Seungmin believes him and can already tell he’s this close to forgiving him and running into his arms. But he’s not there yet. And if he was it would be a lie.
“When Yeonjun hyung told me what you guys said I felt like that. Different obviously. You said things that by themself, without any explanation, that two other friends laughed at and therefore to me agreed with were very hurtful. I don’t like feeling stupid. I don’t know if Innie has told you anything about my relationship with my mother but she’s…” Seungmin can’t find the words to explain it, always went crazy with trying to figure out what she was trying to do. “She’s mean in a way that never comes across as mean. She’ll compliment you and only realize later that she was actually insulting you later. It was death by a thousand cuts more like getting stabbed by the thinnest knife so you can’t feel it and you don’t know that you’re already dead begging for scraps of attention, or praise, for her to tell you’re worth it.”
“You guys do know me and Innie were only each other’s friend in middle school until now. He was poor and he had the grades to get a scholarship to my school. He didn’t have the same manners, not that he was rude or anything, but everyone even the teachers were so pretentious that any time he didn’t know certain unwritten and unspoken etiquette or any time he couldn’t keep up with the snobs he was ridiculed and ostracized. But even then I knew once we got out of there, once we got out of high school he’d flourish. He’s so good, and he’s always been nice to me. Because he was poor. All you need to do is make money to change that, not that I think anyone needs to change for others but it had nothing to do with him. It was just his situation, which is fucked up as his family always tried to better themselves, it wasn’t for being lazy or stupid or anything that those shitty people thought. But me, I was different.”
“It was always implied that I wasn’t wanted. That my parents had the two children they wanted and I was an extra, but not a bonus. I tried to do everything for her to realize she was wrong. I worked hard in school. Always in the library and always doing extra assignments. I was a nerd, plain and simple. I tried making friends and being popular. I was on the baseball team for a while and we won championships and I got awards. I brought some friends to the house and my mother was perfect. She was so nice and accommodating and warm to me that I thought I’d done it. I thought I was worth something, and it was hard to be on a team, and get the grades I got, and any other extracurricular activities I had. I was always going and so tired but I figured if I had to do this to make my mom happy I could. My friends thought my mom was so nice and I did too.”
“They left and you know what she said over dinner with my dad and brothers?” Minho shakes his head and dreads whatever’s to come. “That they were only friends with me so I’d do their homework,” Minho makes a punch out noise and looks sickly, but Seungmin waves him away. “Said she was only saying it to help me so I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I stopped trying to make friends after that. I realized I couldn’t change her mind, couldn’t make her love me, and couldn’t make anyone else in my family see how she was to me when they got a different version of her. They couldn’t see it. I was clothed. I was fed. We had the money for any camps or internships or whatever else I wanted so no one could see the neglect. No one realized she didn’t hug me, no one realized that my brothers would get exactly two more gifts than me for their birthday or Christmas. It wasn’t about the gifts, not really, only that theirs were always more thoughtful, given with love and mine were always generic facsimiles of care.”
“I would see Innie in the library and we count this as part of our friendship but we didn’t really talk. We both did think of each other as allies. I’d silently cheer him on and he’d do the same once I reluctantly became a loner.”
“It wasn’t until my thirteenth birthday that we finally started to be close. I was left alone because my mother planned a trip for the entire family and then realized I couldn’t go because I had broke my arm. There’s so many things I wanted to say to that. What does it matter if it’s broken because my legs and other arm work just fine. But there was swimming and she didn’t want me to be left out,” Seungmin barks out an ugly laugh, “didn’t want me to feel left out on my birthday but leaving with my entire family? Sure, mom. My parents are rich. They easily could have cancelled even if they didn’t get a refund. I heard my dad mention it, and really he wasn’t like her but he was a businessman that worked a lot and he didn’t look deeper, and she was so good at hiding it. Even my middle brother chimes in saying he figured it would be cancelled since I was hurt. My mom just told them that I wouldn’t want them to miss their trip because it wouldn’t be worth it when I couldn’t do much anyways. I remember going to my room and sitting there and he came to me. I knew he knew. I think he was always aware even if it was subconsciously that if I wasn’t around that it would be him. He’d be treated like me so he didn’t want to rock the boat. I’ve always thought that was worse, which is fucked up, which is probably what she wanted. The knowledge didn’t bring us together it pushed us apart. She liked me miserable and silenced.”
“But I got Innie out of it so I’m grateful for that. He came over to my house. I wasn’t expecting him. Thought I was going to spend the night hating myself and crying which wasn’t unusual at the time. He brought two cupcakes. Looked ashamed that was all he could afford. He had a gift wrapped in newspaper. He said happy birthday and if he could come in. I was speechless. I…I no one had ever been that nice to me. Ever. I was probably so twitchy and weird and like about to start crying uncontrollably. He just kept talking. He said he heard my older brother talking about the trip so he was surprised to see me in school while my other two brothers must have gone. He said he knew it was my birthday and he knew he’d feel shitty if he was left alone. He said he wanted to get a cake but you know. Plus, they didn’t need a whole cake to themselves. This was enough. He walked into my house like he owned the place. I was still in some sort of shock and he pulled a lighter and a candle out of his pocket and lit it up. He even sang me happy birthday. I haven’t even said a word yet. The phone rings and I’m not answering it. It’s going to be her and she’s going to ruin this like she ruins everything. I know he thought it was weird but I didn’t move to the phone and then it went to message.”
“Hi honey, everyone just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Remember to take the trash out.”
“I couldn’t look at Innie. He was always more aware than he made himself to be and I couldn’t look him in the eye. I couldn’t see if he knew or if he was just as oblivious as everyone else. I didn’t know which was worse. So, I just watched all the wax from the candle as it melted all over the top of the cupcake.”
“Make a wish Seungminnie, he said. I couldn’t purse my lips and blow out any air because my face wouldn’t let me do it, it wanted to crumple. Innie just grabbed my arm, and moved me closer. He said let’s do it together. I’ll make a wish for you. And I pretended I was doing it too and he blew it out for me. Said he wouldn’t tell me what his wish for me was until it came true. He gave me the unwaxed cupcake and we ate on my couch. He pushed his present towards me and he gave me his beaten copy of heart of darkness. Said it was his favourite and he figured since he couldn’t get me something new that he’d give me something he really cared about because he wanted to be good friends, that we should stop being alone when we can be friends together.”
“I told him I liked that. That I really appreciated him coming over and that I didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t really have a choice.”
“”Your mother isn’t nice, is she?”” He asked it like a question but it wasn’t and I told him just not to me. He just nodded his head like he knew and said we’ll hang out as his house then. That his mom makes the best kimchi fried rice, and that I should try it.”
“And I did. Once a week we’d eat it and I loved being at the Yang’s house. They were always so warm and nice. They couldn’t afford much but they brought me into their family and any gift they got was worth so much more than any new pair of designer shoes or clothes that my mom would get me. That’s when I stopped caring and stopped trying to be whatever my mom was trying to make make me. We fought more. She didn’t want me hanging out with those people. I didn’t care. I was getting a full ride to university and I wouldn’t need a cent from them. When I came here I packed up every single trace of me from that house. My middle brother watched me because his semester starts later. He asked me if he was going to see me again and I just said hopefully not.”
They just sit there in silence for a moment. Seungmin doesn’t know where to go with this. He was really hurt. It reminded him of his mother and the way she could be two people at once and Seungmin knows it’s different. It’s different in the way it’s the exact opposite. Minho doesn’t hate him he likes him. Like likes him.
Seungmin thought for a little bit that Minho liked him before, and he told Jeongin but after this whole nightmare it doesn’t make him feel giddy and excited like it did before. It feels good and bad. Seungmin knows why Jeongin was adamant about Minho treating him better and why he wouldn’t tell him that his feelings returned.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought I couldn’t feel worse, you know?” Seungmin finally sees a tear run down Minho’s cheek and it’s as heartbreaking as it is beautiful. Minho is crying for him and because of him. It’s an odd feeling to both love and hate something especially as small as one tear drop. “I don’t want to be anything like my father or your mother. And I’ve been both. Fuck, I’ve been both,” Minho shakes his head. “I will make it up to you.”
Seungmin believes him and it may be naïve but he’s never claimed he wasn’t. Seungmin stands and decides to be brave for the second time of his life and moves in close to Minho and brushes that one tear track away.
“I like you, too.” There is something more reassuring than all of the work txt put in, which makes Seungmin’s feel horrible, there in Minho face. All open, and shocked, and beautiful and earnest that takes Seungmin’s breathe away. Minho stands abruptly.
“Do you forgive me enough to let me make it up to you?” Seungmin nods and Minho’s eyes light up. “Are you sure Kim Seungmin? You’ll be unleashing a dragon.” Seungmin grins and nods again. “Oh, I’m going to be the president.” Seungmin squints and tilts his head in confusion.
“The president?” Seungmin questions and Minho grins slyly.
“Your fan club, baby. I mean, I’ll have to dethrone Hyunjin,” Seungmin is not comprehending, “plus, Felix is a new member and his score is off the chart right now,” Minho is speaking but it’s almost to himself and Seungmin can’t help but laugh.
“What are you talking about hyung?” Seungmin’s grinning and he doesn’t know why and Minho softens.
“I’m always your hyung, okay?” Minho says seriously but his eyes are still soft. Seungmin knew it was petty when he said it to Chan but he was feeling pretty petty in the moment when Chan appeared.
“Okay hyung, but what we’re you talking about?”
Minho leads Seungmin to his bed figures they should be comfortable while he explains a few things about the group. He’d be embarrassed if he didn’t think Seungmin needed to hear how much they all loved him, especially Minho.