Work Text:
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
~
It was difficult at times. Mu Qing simply had no energy to deal with Hua Cheng, especially when he sensed Jun Wu's gaze everywhere tormenting him relentlessly, even in the moments where he was not present. But Mu Qing felt it, sensed it, was like a layer of dirt and humiliation stuck on his skin, impossible to wash off. And being inside a fucking mountain together with Xie Lian and Hua Cheng was not really helping his nerves, especially when everyone was convinced that he was a spy for Jun Wu himself.
He had his fair share of horrible moments but that was almost on the top of his list.
Even less did it help him to feel Hua Cheng's hands clasped around his wrists, staring at the cursed chains tattooed on his skin. In another moment Mu Qing would have done something, anything, to free himself from that grip. At that moment, however, he felt on the verge of a panic attack that he already knew he could not face all the way through.
He exhaled a hoarse cry, tried a desperate attempt to free himself, futile, useless, because Hua Cheng clenched one hand even tighter and with the other pulled up the sleeve of Mu Qing's robe, uncovering his entire arm. It was seeing the grimace of horror on Hua Cheng's face that gave Mu Qing the strength not to give in completely. If there was anything he hated, it was compassion, and compassion from Hua Cheng definitely would not accept it.
He tried to wriggle out of the way with a tug so hard that for a moment he feared he had broken his wrist before feeling even more miserable than before upon seeing that the other had just moved. His own spiritual energy was blocked and he could never even dream of winning a physical confrontation with Hua Cheng. The feeling of defeat was so overwhelming that he did not even try a second time. He was weak, as usual.
"What... are this?" murmured the ghost, recovering from the shock, but still with his gaze fixed on the general's skin, observing bruises and scratches and the bites? Mu Qing, what the fuck is going on?"
Mu Qing continued to stare away, his breath broken, feeling the humiliation growing inside his stomach, up to his chest. Plus hearing Xie Lian's gentle step approaching did not help the situation, so much so that he immediately turned to Hua Cheng , begging him in a whisper to cover his arm but Xie Lian was already beside him. Mu Qing had thought that seeing the prince looking at his battered arm would give him the final blow, but Xie Lian's eyes were empty, his body stiff, it looked as if someone had sucked all his energy away, but he was still the first to move.
"Leave us alone for a moment, San Lang," he said in a low voice, forcing the ghost's fingers to release their grip on Mu Qing.
"Gege, don't..."
"Please," the prince interrupted him again without looking at him, a weird confront between the cold voice and his mostly gently running a thumb over the tooth mark.
Hua Cheng took a deep breath and obeyed, leaving Mu Qing's wrist with obvious reluctance. He was tempted to say something, but Hua Cheng realized that there was something in Xie Lian's aura that blocked him from continuing and agreed to move away.
Mu Qing did not really want to be alone with Xie Lian. He did not know if he had any other energy or dignity left for such a thing but did not resist when the prince motioned for him to sit next to him on the ground.
"I have an ointment with me," the younger man exclaimed in a low voice, a soothing tone, "May I rub it on your arms?"
Mu Qing merely stretched out his arms in front of him, without looking at him, stubbornly keeping his gaze fixed on the ground. Xie Lian's slow and gentle movement on his skin helped him calm down, he stopped shaking even though he did not realize he was doing so, and his own breathing became steadier, albeit with effort.
"San Lang ... seemed very shaken," Xie Lian said, "I thought he didn't have much sympathy for divine officers, even less for you. Didn't he challenge you ages ago?"
Mu Qing shrugged his shoulders. Many things had happened in those eight centuries that they had not seen each other, and most of them were things he did not really want to talk about.
"Hua Cheng is particular," he finally replied, "We had our arguments and differences but... things were going pretty well. Until now."
"Mu Qing, do you feel like telling me who did this to you?"
"I don't want to."
Xie Lian pulled him into a sudden hug and Mu Qing clung to his shoulders, sank his face into his robe, taking deep breaths.
"If you feel up to it, we'll talk about it when it's all over. For now, can you manage to continue?"
Mu Qing did not know if he had the energy to continue.
Hua Cheng had really thought that he was going to intentionally hurt Xie Lian, after nearly eight fucking long centuries of looking for him, together. He felt so demoralized and humiliated that he was at a loss for words.
"Do you want to talk to San Lang?" tried the prince again.
Mu Qing shook his head and slowly stood up, adjusting his robes.
"Tell your watchdog I died for him," he merely said, "Whatever was there, it's over."
*
The first time Mu Qing had seen Jun Wu in person he was just 20 years old and he was completely at the lowest point of hus entire fucking life. He was hungry, he was thirsty, he was filthy with dirt and sweat. Above all, he was alone; he had left Xie Lian and Feng Xin behind because he could not continue to endure watching day after day as the situation slipped further and further into an unbearable spiral of darkness. He had to do something to help, to bring a spark of hope, but to do so he had to succeed on his own.
He had been approached by a divine official, sent by Jun Wu himself. He had been taken to the audience hall, where Mu Qing used to watch Xie Lian chatting, conversing, sparring with Jun Wu, shining his own light as a protégé of the Jade Emperor himself.
Jun Wu had asked him about Xie Lian, and he had tried to remain vague because he didn't exactly have one of the best feelings in the world, he felt his stomach contracted into a terrible grip, and if there was anything he had learned in his short mortal life it was to trust his instincts.
Jun Wu had invited him to eat with him, had offered him the finest drinks and food. Then maids had washed him, combed his hair and given him clean clothes and told him he could sleep in the adjoining room, because Xie Lian had a special place in his soul but he did not think it was right for Mu Qing to suffer because of the prince's wrong choices. Mu Qing had slept feeling safe for the first time in months, if not years, since the war with Yong'an had begun.
The next morning Jun Wu's attendant had given him tasks, and Mu Qing had plunged into the work with dedication. If he could meet the standards of Jun Wu (The Jade Emperor himself) then he could help Xie Lian, push him back into the graces of the Divine City.
He just had to put in the effort and work hard.
He just had to satisfy Jun Wu.
Mu Qing still had no idea, but that was the moment when he lost his freedom altogether.
*
Xie Lian had tried to talk to Mu Qing, about the wounds he bore on his body, about his relationship with Hua Cheng, about what had happened during his exile but to no avail. Each time he came up against a wall that seemed impenetrable, he could not find even the tiniest crack to be able to infiltrate inside him, to try to convince him that he could trust him. He had tried even when Hua Cheng had returned from his own abyss, maybe after a year things had calmed down but the mere mention of his name had triggered such a sudden and unexpected surge of anger in the general that Xie Lian had immediately shut his mouth and stopped talking about the ghost.
So he had finally mustered up all his courage and attempted a conversation with Hua Cheng. When on his return Xie Lian had told him that Mu Qing did not wish to see him, that he should regard him as dead, the prince had sensed the ghost's guilt, which was so strong that it confirmed his own suspicions about any kind of relationship between them. He did not know exactly what kind it was, but it was evident that they shared a deep bond, now broken.
He approached him that day and barely smiled at him, feeling the nervousness mount in his chest.
"San Lang, I know this is an uncomfortable subject, but I would like to talk to you about Mu Qing."
"Is that really necessary, gege? There's not much to say, to be honest."
Xie Lian merely gave another nervous smile and pushed his hands into his own sleeves.
"I have a horrible feeling that what we witnessed was just the last time in a long series. I think that… I think that Jun Wu has been abusing him for a very long time."
"If that were the case, Mu Qing would have told me," he replied dryly, not wanting to keep talking about it, least of all to Xie Lian "Mu Qing is no idiot and never had any reason to work with him or submit to stupid blackmail."
"Oh for the Heaven San Lang!” exclaimed the price, almost out of character, a vague rage already boiling in his gut “How can you said something like that after what you have saw on his body?”
Hua Cheng did not respond, but Xie Lian saw him clench his hands into fists so tightly that his knuckles turned white. In other moments or if someone else was involved, Xie Lian would have simply let go. But they were talking about Mu Qing, his loving Qing’er. He had shared lovely moments with him before his fall and those memories were almost the only thing that gave him the strength to go on with his journey.
With enough time and solitude he did have understand why Mu Qing chose to leave him and could understand what he wanted to do. And when the remorse was to much big, Xie Lian would remember the tender kisses behind the Royal Pavillion, the nights spent playing chess or promising each other a long live together.
He had another chance to be with two of the most important people in his life, people that he loved dearly and intensely. Xie Lian would not again let Mu Qing slip throughout his fingers.
"Mu Qing is stubborn and arrogant and touchy and always expects the worst from people but he is honest in his feelings," continued the prince stubbornly "He feels betrayed after everything that happened at Mount Tonglu and I have no chance to talk to him but if you are the one to take the first step toward him, things will change. Please San Lang."
Hua Cheng continued to remain silent. So long that finally Xie Lian decided to leave him alone. He would have find the answers himself, he didn’t care what would cost him.
*
Mu Qing woke up in the middle of the night with a gasp and a half-sob. He felt drenched in sweat, dirty, useless, humiliated. He felt as if what he had dreamed had been real and present, and he hated the feeling of defeat that he continued to feel even when his brain managed to convince itself that he was now safe.
The candles were still lit. Mu Qing did not like the dark, he felt imprisoned in the darkness of the night, it led him to memories that he only wished to eradicate from his mind, to no avail. He slowly sat up and from the table next to his own bed took the ointment that Xie Lian had left for him and began to gently spread the cream along his legs and feet and then along his hands. Mu Qing could still feel the heaviness of the cursed chains on his skin. The scratches and bites and bruises were long gone but Mu Qing could recognize the invisible scars he bore. In addition, Jun Wu had never gone easy on him and there were other more than visible scars on his body that he could not ignore every time he undressed.
He felt exhausted even though he had not done much in the past few days except deal with paperwork from morning to night. Xie Lian, as if that were not enough, kept pushing for a conversation that Mu Qing did not wanted to have. He did not want to explain why it had happened, how it had happened, or why it had gone on for all those centuries and not...
"Can I help?"
The reaction was practically instinctive. At the first syllable Mu Qing had already unsheathed his own saber and his heart had begun to beat as if crazed. He took a long moment to recognize the figure of Hua Cheng in the dimness of his own room and finally decided to lower his blade. The ghost had remained motionless, E'Ming still clinging to his side, his arms crossed over his chest.
"What on earth are you doing here at this indecent hour?" growled Mu Qing looking away and quickly slipping on a shirt and pants.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"There is nothing I want to talk to you about, Hua Cheng. Get the hell out of here."
"Mu Qing..."
The ghost's condescending tone irritated him even more.
"Fuck you! Mu Qing my ass!" he exploded "You actually thought I wanted to hurt Xie Lian, you told him to let me die in the fucking lava!"
Hua Cheng did not look at him and remained silent for another moment.
"I had no idea what Jun Wu did to you. I didn’t know you had to deal with such… difficulties."
"Don't talk about things you have no idea about!" exploded Mu Qing "You should have trusted me without needing an excuse. The centuries we spent looking for Xie Lian, the centuries we spent together because I thought there was something between us, the centuries I spent believing your stupid lies, believing I was good enough for you and for you both!" spat Mu Qing "But I thank you for finally showing yourself for the snake you are. I can spare the long eternity I wanted to spend with someone like you."
"There were a lot of... signs, I think, that turned you against His Highness and I decided to go along with them even though I knew it couldn't be true," murmured the ghost "But it was Jun Wu's plan to turn you against His Highness, I'm sorry."
"You are too late, Hua Cheng," replied Mu Qing without looking at him "I have allowed you far too many times to treat me as if I were worthless. This is the last time."
"Can you at least tell me why you went along with it? Why didn't you do something about it?"
"It was a no-win situation," was the reply Mu Qing managed to form “And even if it wasn’t, you prove me I could not trust you. Ever.”
Hua Cheng looked at him with a distressed grimace; he looked whiter than normal and seemed defeated in a way that Mu Qing could no longer sustain, especially when he saw the ghost open its mouth, as if to say something. But Mu Qing felt betrayed and abandoned and had no more energy to push that conversation further. He walked past him, opening the door to his own room.
"Now go away, please. Don't force me to involve Xie Lian to let you the fuck out of my residence."
Hua Cheng took a moment to recover from his shock. Then he walked past the general without uttering a word or even looking at him.
*
Mu Qing had taken months to recover from Xie Lian's fury and anger when he had brought him the sack of rice and from his obvious disappointment and despair when he had decided to team up with the other divine officers for the meditation clearing.
He had gone once again in the mortal realm because he really wanted to explain himself to him, tell Xie Lian that he pretend ti turn his back on him for ‘cause he had a job noe, a very good one for Jun Wu himself. He wanted to tell him that he wanted to work his ass off to give Xie Lian the chance to rise once again.
But when he opened the door of the rotten cabin in the woods he found nobody. Not Feng Xin and not Xie Lian and not yhe king and the queen. He searched for them in the little spare time he had but unsuccessful. He decided the only way he had, was to climb the ranking till he ascended himself and then he would have a lot kore chances to search for Xie Lian.
So he throws himself in the work. The only thing that mattered was Jun Wu and keeping him good and content, trying to stay in his good graces because he was The Emperor of the Divine City and if he could hang on to any reward to seek Xie Lian, then he would.
He had worked until he could no longer feel his own body, and when he ascended, Mu Qing felt happy for the first time in years. Not only did he now have his own temples and worshippers, but he had a divine residence, and despite everything, Jun Wu wished to meet him relatively often, in the private wing of his residence. Sometimes Jun Wu would leave him alone, he had to work he would say but Mu Qing could enjoy everything he had. Mu Qing was not used to all that luxury, the fine food, the sumptuous clothes, the excellent quality of everything around him. It was usually Xie Lian who enjoyed all the privileges, and as much as the prince used to share with him much of what he received, it was nice for once to be the direct recipient of such gifts.
And the first time Jun Wu had approached him it was late at night and the man had sent him to drink a liqueur wine together, Mu Qing did not understand, he had never really paid attention to various kinds of interpersonal relationships because his chosen method of cultivation was based on abstinence and virtue. But when Jun Wu had clasped a hand around the back of his head with unexpected violence and felt his mouth press against his own, Mu Qing had immediately pulled away from him, looking at him without understanding.
Mu Qing had seen Jun Wu's face change into an irritated grimace. The slap that had reached him had been so hard that it had rolled him to the ground. He had tried to slip away despite his mouth full of blood but the other had grabbed him by the robe and mounted on top of him, pinning him to the ground.
"Let's set the record straight, Xuan Zhen, my little stupid, pathetic deity," Jun Wu growled, one hand clasped around his neck, "You have no say in the matter. You are here for this very purpose otherwise I would have starved you long ago, do you understand me?"
Mu Qing was so upset that he could not even move, his head completely blank. The second slap split his lip again and he hurriedly nodded and swallowed a groan of pain.
"And know Xuan Zhen, I have a soft spot for Xianle but even I can’t find him, so here you are. Don't force my way on you, it will only maje me angrier, do you understand?"
Mu Qing took a moment to nod again and did not move when Jun Wu unfastened his robes. He tightened his eyes and prayed that everything would end as quickly as possible.
He had never felt so alone.
*
Xie Lian did not know what to do. Rarely had he found himself so short of ideas and so full of problems, with Mu Qing looking even more withdrawn than usual and Hua Cheng seeming to be stubbornly unwilling to even hear his name spoken. Spending time with both of them, albeit always on separate occasions, was absolutely impossible. And Xie Lian had no idea what had happened the night Hua Cheng had agreed to talk to Mu Qing, but he knew it must have been serious and final; after all, he knew very well how serious the general could be about his decisions and knew that he had always carried them through to the end.
But one day, several weeks later, it was Hua Cheng who began a speech that, somewhere inside him, he knew he would not like.
"One of my spies was a guard at Jun Wu's palace," he began, sitting on his own side of the bed, "Often in the middle of the night a figure dressed in black, his hood on and with a black mask that cover completely his face would rushed past him, every time. I asked the guard who it was, and he said it was someone who should never be stopped, reaching all the way to Jun Wu's private rooms."
Hua Cheng sighed.
"I've been trying for ages to find out who he was. And it was Mu Qing."
The bitter tone was so obvious and and heavy in the air around them that Xie Lian felt his heart clench with pain in his chest.
"I imagined all this time a moment where we could have been all three of us together, gege. Where I really believed that maybe things could have worked out but I blew it. I should have trusted Mu Qing, the way it always was while we were looking for you. I know I fucked to situation up, gege. I know it. I knew Mu Qing would never do something to hurt you but… I let past mistakes dictate my present action and now… now I lost him, for good.”
Xie Lian caressed his arm, in a dumb try to console him but the prince was well aware that was nothing thst could console Hua Cheng in that moment.
“You… Did you ever have a strange feeling about? I mean, I know Mu Qing is capable to hide himself from everyone but you are always so perceptive my San Lang.”
“I… I mean… You know Mu Qing, he can be difficult”, began the ghost, obviously uncomfortable “I did see from time to time new scars on his arms, I've seen the bruises and scratches, the broken lips and black eyes, but Mu Qing used to train until he was exhausted or quarrel with that idiot of Fenx Xin and I always believed they were just training wounds, just as he told me.”
Hua Cheng took another deep breath, continuing to look at his hands.
"Sometimes Mu Qing would disappear for weeks. His mental channel was blocked, his residence empty, his spiritual energy impossible to find, whether in the divine realm or in the land of mortals. His personal attendant would tell my observers that the general was on a mission and that he did not know when he would return. Then Mu Qing would come back, suddenly, as if nothing had happened, as if it had all simply been a mission work for him. He never gave me any details but.. Mu Qing was always capable in his work and he would come to me if he needed something. So… I always believed him.”
Hua Cheng bites barely his lips, his glaze fixed on his fingers.
“How could everything happen in front of my eyes and not be able to see it?”
“There are things sometimes that we don’t want to see”, said Xie Lian with half voice “But at the end San Lang, it’s nobody's fault but Jun Wu's."
"I never thought we would not be together. And I have no idea how I could fix us. Mu Qing will never forgive me and I don’t think I deserve his forgiveness in the first place.”
Xie Lian did not know what to say. He did not know how to console the man he loved who had opened his heart and revealed his every emotion and remorse; he did not know how to reach out to Mu Qing, whom he loved in the exact same way and who had survived the most traumatic of experiences for centuries. He knew nothing. He said nothing and just silently held Hua Cheng in his own arms.
*
Jun Wu loved to torment him. So much so that the moments where he raped him were as many as those where he did not. And Mu Qing knew that the emperor enjoyed his sometimes nervous expression, the little gasps here and there because he never, ever knew what might happen the next second, enjoyed his stressed state, fed on his fear.
It happened that they were conversing about this or that war or having tea or walking in the library. Sometimes he would barely brush past him and Mu Qing felt his heart stop in the interminable wait for the next second, to see what fate would await him.
It had been almost with dread that one day he had realized that that perpetual state of stress had slowly changed into resignation and self-loathing. The stress and fear were always there, but from time to time Mu Qing simply decided to let it be. He was beginning to get tired of continuing to fight knowing full well that he would lose.
Sometimes he would talk to Hua Cheng and the ghost would babble about what he would do when they found Xie Lian and Mu Qing would feign the same hope because if the prince ascended again or if they found him, then Jun Wu would have his precious Xianle at his disposal and he could not allow that. He longed to see him again but at the same time prayed never to see him again.
Sometimes Mu Qing was simply tired.
~
Mu Qing had learned not to cry. He had learned not to be paralyzed by terror. He had learned to swallow the pain. He had learned to cooperate with Jun Wu because when he did then the man treated him just a little better than normal. He had learned to react to the name Xianle; he had learned to dress like him. Jun Wu had special expectations and Mu Qing had even learned to groan and moan as the emperor wanted.
But sometimes Mu Qing was not as Jun Wu wanted. Sometimes there was something wrong and Mu Qing would not be able to say what but would just pray that everything would end quickly, but despite the intensity of the prayers, it was never as he wished. Those were the times that Jun Wu brought out all his sadistic perversion and tended to do so for hours on end.
That time he was pinned against the wall, ankles and wrists chained, his back bleeding, Jun Wu whipping and fucking him, his body full of blood and cum, his face full of tears. His throat was hoarse from begging Jun Wu to let him go, but in vain.
He felt his breath getting less and less as one of Jun Wu's arms was clamped around his throat and pulled, almost choking him, as Jun Wu fucked him mercilessly, thrusting in and out of him with a violence Mu Qing had never experienced before that moment.
He felt that he was on the verge of fainting, and in another situation he would have wished to die because death was better than the prospect of spending more centuries in Jun Wu's hands.
But then he remembered Xie Lian.
He remembered the handful of kisses they had given each other under the full moon before his exile, remembered Xie Lian's desperately hopeful eyes when he told him everything would be all right, even in the worst of times. He remembered his voice, his hands, his smile, his endless hope.
And he found the strength to hang on to life.
Just a little longer.
*
Mu Qing went into the deep tunnels of the cave near a village that had requested his help because of an evil presence. The general had followed traces of negative energy to the entrance of that cave and finally made up his mind to enter. He was not used to working alone on that kind of mission because he knew that the situation could escalate very quickly. Sometimes he would drag Feng Xin along if he was near his borders, but very often he preferred to ask Hua Cheng because who better than a Calamity for jobs like that? Of course now he found himself having to deal with all that alone. He was tempted to contact Feng Xin, just because he had a gnawing in his stomach that did not bode well, but in the end he decided to ignore his instincts and went inside the cave.
Mu Qing walked for a handful of minutes before noticing how slowly the gallery began to look more square, less natural. The floor was beginning to be leveled and jade tiles were beginning to be glimpsed, mosaics that he unfortunately knew by heart were beginning to show on the walls, and the more he walked the more Mu Qing felt anxiety and shock grow, in a growing mental refusal to accept what was happening.
It was when in front of him opened the private room where Jun Wu used to drag him that something inside Mu Qing's brain clicked. He turn around to run away only to ran into a stone wall, the corridor from which he came suddenly disappearing. The general exhaled a faint chirp of distress at what was to come, and when he heard Jun Wu's cold breath in his own ear behind him, he literally felt the blood freeze in his veins.
"I must admit that I have missed you, Xuan Zhen," commented the former emperor, running his hands over his shoulders, gripping his fingers tightly "You know you're in for a punishment, don't you? I didn't like the way you stabbed me with your saber. You were not a good boy Xuan Zhen. And bad boy… well, bad boy they have to be punished."
Mu Qing could not move, and not because he did not want to but was physically unable to do so. The other's icy laughter made him break his breath in terror and he squinted his eyes, trying to find a strength he did not know if he still possessed.
Jun Wu was furious.
And Mu Qing would pay bitterly for his rebellion.
*
“Hua Cheng please save me.”
That was the loud prayer the ghost heard deep in the night, a few days before. He knew that was Mu Qing, even if he didn’t recognized the voice in his mind. Immediately he had run to the Divine City, literally interrogate everyone he could graps between hus fingers and then, finally, he had found the mountain were allegedly Mu Qing entered to fight some demons.
By the time Hua Cheng managed to break through the intricate protective barrier around that mountain, he had found Mu Qing abandoned on the ground like a broken rag, submerged in a pool of blood and bodily fluids, his hair cut off and abandoned on the floor, barely conscious, his face stained with semen and tears, his eyes pummeled, his lips broken by slaps and punches.
Rarely had Hua Cheng felt compassion and pity for anyone other than Xie Lian, rarely had he felt his heart literally clench with pain at seeing someone else's suffering. But with Mu Qing it had happened, and it had been such an intense and suffocating emotion that for a moment he had wanted to walk away and eliminate that scene from his mind. Mu Qing was barely conscious, but he kept whispering "Hua Cheng will come. Hua Cheng will save me," which reached the ghost's ears like the frail prayers from before, soaked in the few drops of hope he had left.
But instead of leaving, Hua Cheng find some new strength and had almost scampered over to him, had remained for a moment on his knees in Mu Qing’s blood, watching his skin ravaged by wounds that were still bleeding, not knowing where he could touch him without making the whole situation even worse.
"Mu Qing," he murmured, "Mu Qing, can you hear me?"
"...Hua... Cheng... will come," muttered the other, without really seeing him "Hua... Cheng... will save... me"
"I am here. I am here Mu Qing. I will take you to safety now."
"...Hua Cheng... will come..."
The ghost made up his mind to take him in his arms, and it was with some terror that he sensed Mu Qing’s vital energy slowly diminishing, his heart getting weaker, his eyes struggling more and more to stay open, his body tremble in pain, blood that keep dripping from his mouth. Hua Cheng held him close to his chest and prayed, prayed like he had never done before.
~
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
*
Mu Qing opened his eyes very slowly. He felt faint discharges of pain run through his body; he could feel his fingertips brushing against silk blankets. He rose just as slowly to sit up, trying to contain the moans of pain from the effort, looking around. It was the room he used to use at Paradise Manor, Mu Qing's favorite orange and lemon incense burning in the air. He looked down at his bare hands and arms, the bandages extending to his chest and neck, his left arm immobilized with a splint, the pain of the fracture beginning to throb. He turned nervously to the mirror at the side of his bed and stood motionless for a long moment staring at his own reflection, trying to recognize himself, to no avail.
It took a minute before he was able to raise his healthy hand to touch his unevenly cut hair, longer and shorter strands mingling. Mu Qing felt himself trembling as he ran his fingers over his bruises, over his lips, over his plagued, violet eyes. He felt his breath getting heavier and more broken by the second, recognized the beginning of a panic attack as he saw tears sliding down his cheeks, unable to control them, unable to control the rest of his body, unable to maintain control over his mind.
But he could not, he could only hear the rough noises of his throat as his body tried to sob. But his throat ached, ached badly, he could still feel Jun Wu's hands clenched around his neck, he could feel his skin pulling from the wounds and dirt even though someone had diligently washed him, because the blood and tears and sweat and and semen were no longer dry and encrusted against his skin. He felt the pain he had felt every time Jun Wu had thrust into him, felt his teeth still sunk into his own flesh, felt the hard skin of the whip cracking his back, the blood slipping away.
Mu Qing still had his hand in his hair, crying with a despair he never felt. Was only after a long time that he could regain enough controll to stop crying and then simply stayed motionless, looking in the mirror.
Suddenly he caught a glimpse of Hua Cheng's figure approaching. He had heard the door open but could not look away from his own reflection, his mind still searching for similarities with his own person.
"Can I help you?"
Mu Qing did not answer.
"Are you hungry? Or are you thirsty?" continued Hua Cheng, a vague nervous note in his voice, turning to face him, "Do you want to try to step up? His Highness tried to make your favorite sweets, a success like always..."
"Don't... look at me," Mu Qing replied with difficulty, his voice hoarse, scratching his throat.
"Mu Qing..."
"Don't look at me!" he interrupted him as he continued to look at himself “I’m hideous.”
Hua Cheng had never seen Mu Qing broken. He had seen him in danger, hurt, furious, arrogant, lovely even. But never had Mu Qing seemed to him as vulnerable and broken as at that moment, never had he heard him cry, never had he heard him mutter words with such despair like now. The ghost stayed a moment still, then sat down by Mu Qing.
“You are not hideous. You never was and you will never be.”
“He took everything”, murmured Mu Qing, as he didn’t listen the other, touching his hair, a note of pain in his voice “He succeeded. He finally did it.”
“Jun Wu will not win this war, Mu Qing. You will get on your feet, again, like usually. You are strong, I know you can do it.”
Mu Qing continued to look at himself and the shook his head, feeling hopelessly.
“Leave me alone. I don’t want to see anyone.”
“Please, you have to drink and eat something.”
“Leave me alone.”
Hua Cheng didn’t wanted to fight against Mu Qing in that state, it wouldn’t bring anything but more stress and he didn’t needed something like that.
“As you wish”, said in a half voice and leaving the room.
*
When he awoke up again, Mu Qing saw Xie Lian sitting at a small table next to him, copying the Sutras. He had a serious grimace on his face, contracted and thoughtful. For a moment Mu Qing was reminded of Xie Lian during his first exile, when he had returned from who-knows-where and admitted to robbing someone to buy food.
"Lian'er...," Mu Qing muttered, turning his face toward him.
Xie Lian immediately lost his serious grimace and turned a gentle smile on him, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him, gently resting a hand on his leg.
"How are you feeling?"
Mu Qing did not answer. He could not have said whose idea it was to cover the mirrors in the room, especially the one next to the bed, but he was silently grateful. Just the idea of seeing the state he was in again was terrifying enough to take the breath out of his chest.
"Do you have a cup of water?" he asked half-heartedly instead, rising laboriously to sit up.
"Certainly," replied the other calmly, pouring him water from a pitcher, "Would you also like something to eat?"
Mu Qing shook his head and merely drank, trying to keep his arm still pinned firmly against his body.
"How did you find me?"
"San Lang told me some time ago that you used to disappear sometimes, for weeks," the prince began without looking at him, settling the blankets on his legs.
"Jun Wu used to cancel my spiritual core," Mu Qing confirmed in a half-voice.
"San Lang has spies, at your residence. Well, observers, he called them," Xie Lian commented, trying to stretch an amused smile, shrugging his shoulders "Anyway, he said he heard a prayer of yours and rushed to the Divine City for interrogate his men. He found your exact location thanks this. As I understand it, San Lang gave this to you, right?"
Mu Qing bent his eyes until he saw a hair pendant he used to wear every day, of black jade inlaid in a cascade of butterflies. He nodded slowly.
"A birthday present," he confirmed again.
"He knew you'd have it even when you disappeared because you were out working, and this time we found you," Xie Lian continued, his smile barely steadier than before "And now you can rest assured Qing'er, I killed Jun Wu with my own hands, which I should have done at Mount Tonglu. I'm sorry I failed Qing'er again. I'm sorry I gave Jun Wu another chance to hurt you."
Mu Qing found himself raising his head toward him, but Xie Lian continued not to look at him, feeling his eyes glaze over again, an overwhelming wave of relief starting from the center of his chest, not knowing what else to say.
"It will be all right Qing'er, San Lang and I are here for you."
Mu Qing nodded. He opened his mouth for a moment to say something, to express his gratitude, but he did not know how to articulate the words. His head was still confused and trying to speak hurt.
Xie Lian nodded, gently tapping a hand on his leg.
"Everything will be fine," he repeated with a smile, barely tapping his hand on his leg, "I'll go get something to eat prepared. You're home now," he concluded.
Home.
At one time even Mu Qing considered that residence his home, much more than the divine residence where he was more of a prisoner and sex slave than a deity. He had missed the familiar atmosphere of Paradise Manor, he had missed feeling safe like nowhere else, he had missed the orange-smelling incense, he had missed everything he had known for all those centuries.
But something inside his own heart was off. His soul was dull. Mu Qing wondered if he would be able, sooner or later, to feel good again, but inside he knew it would never happen.
“I think…” he said looking away from him “I think I will leave,” he finally murmured “I need time alone Xie Lian.”
“Qing’er, don’t go through this alone,” the prince tried to say, the nervousness evident in his voice “I know that San Lang and I have failed you beyond measure, but please don’t go through this alone,” he repeated.
“You have never failed me, only Hua Cheng,” was the blunt reply Mu Qing gave “But that is not the point. The point… is that I no longer have the energy Xie Lian. I am tired. I want…I just want to stop feeling…like this!” he said again without finding the words to express himself.
Xie Lian clenched his hands into fists but the problem was that he understood perfectly what Mu Qing meant. Too much had simply happened for him to continue to endure the constant physical and emotional pain he felt.
“It’s okay,” he finally murmured, his voice broken “I understand.”
Mu Qing shook his head.
“Can I ask you to let me speak to Hua Cheng? I will do it… in a couple of days, when I’m feeling better.”
“No problem”, was the still shaken voice of the other “But, can I tell I know we will see each other again?”
“You know it will not happen.”
Xie Lian squeezed gently on Mu Qing’s cheeks until he looked into his eyes, straining a faint smile.
“If there is anything I know Qing’er, it is that you won’t give up, ever. But San Lang and I will be here no matter how much time passes. You will come home someday.”
Mu Qing did not reply.
There was no longer a home for him.
Only a grave.
*
Jun Wu often called him Xianle while he was fucking him.
When it happened, Mu Qing knew that he would not suffer so much, he knew that Jun Wu would have a few more shrewdnesses than usual, and so he tended to let him because in Emperor Xie Lian’s mind he was this fragile and delicate creature who should not be harmed.
When he called him by his divine name, Mu Qing knew that days of torture and suffering awaited him. He still tried to rebel as little as possible, tried to shift his attention to Xie Lian, tried to encourage him in pretending to be the prince. Sometimes he was successful.
Very often, unfortunately, he was not.
~
Mu Qing desperately tried to free himself from the chains by giving tugs so hard that he almost broke his wrists. He felt his heart pounding, blood dripped from his eyebrow into his eye, felt his legs shaking even though he was sitting on the ground.
He knew Jun Wu would be back soon. He had to break free, he had to find a way to escape, he didn't want to die, he had to...
"Xuan Zhen, what are you going to do?"
Mu Qing chirped a terrified moan and stood still. He was going to die in that cave. He was going to die, he knew.
*
Xie Lian was with him every day. Hua Cheng made sporadic appearances together with the prince but tended to disappear shortly afterward when Xie Lian had started chatting about this or that. That morning was the morning of his departure and still he didn’t spoke to Hua Cheng.
But he asked him to come to his room after lunch and he began to feel the nervousness run throughout his body. He wasn’t really sure the ghost would understand why he wanted go away but he was so tired that it didn’t matter anyway.
He finished to collect his things and then sat on the little table, looking in the mirror. The dark spots around his eyes were beginning to fade, they were no longer almost as black as the first time he had looked in the mirror, the split lips were now full of scabs of dried blood. Jun Wu's finger marks around his neck were now purplish and no longer deep red, the wounds on his back were beginning to heal, and the pain in general was beginning to be more bearable with medication.
Finally, he ran his fingers through his hair again, which now reached disheveled and unevenly to his shoulders. He sat at the dressing table, looking only if necessary at his own reflection. Then he take the scissors and began to adjust and cut here and there, trying to find something that could work.
"Do you need a hand?"
Mu Qing looked at Hua Cheng's reflection, then looked away.
"I’m finished, but thanks."
"No problem. So, do you want to..."
Mu Qing hadn't wanted, really hadn't wanted, to move with that jerk when he had seen Hua Cheng's hand approach his shoulder, but it had been so instinctive that the general hadn't even had a chance to process that movement. He saw Hua Cheng's grimace of regret and sadness, however, and persisted in not looking at him.
"I’m sorry. It was just instinct. But I need to talk to you”, said instead sitting again.
Hua Cheng didn’t said a word and sat down on the bed, not distant from him but with enough space between them.
Mu Qing saw it and somehow he felt emptier and duller. He knew he would have to find even the tiniest bit of energy to keep going, but he had reached the limit. Finally Jun Wu had managed to break him. He had finally found a way to make him lose all hope, to step on it and dismember it under his foot. Jun Wu had cut off his hair and with his doing, had taken away the last thing that still belonged to him, the last thing that still gave him comfort.
The hair was not just a social status, not for Mu Qing. Many of his most pleasant memories were related to his hair, like when his mother used to compliment him on that thick hair he was growing or like when Xie Lian, still a mortal prince, had insisted on styling his hair with his jewelry or like when Hua Cheng had once combed it for hours. It had been the most intimate thing they had ever shared and for that reason it was one of the memories he treasured the most.
And now they were gone. He would not find solace in the dark moments by brushing his hair and thinking only of good things. He no longer had his anchor, he no longer had anything.
“What did you wanted to talk me about?”
Mu Qing turn towards him, his eyes now on the comb among his fingers, still thinking how to approach the topic. He optioned for the blunt truth.
"I already talked to Xie Lian" he said after a minute "I have decided to leave. I will go somewhere and then I will in solitude until I lose my deity status."
Hua Cheng stood motionless for a long moment, blinking a moment.
"...I beg your pardon?"
Hua Cheng rubbed for a moment hus hands on his face, before looking back again.
"Have you decided to die?" he exhaled after another long moment of silence, "Have I understood correctly?"
Mu Qing took a long breath and tried to stay strong. It was the best thing for everyone, especially for Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. He had been feeding on those silly dreams of the three if them for an eternity and basically it was okay, you already know that dreams are always better than reality, right? It was fine like that. What they felt for each other was so sincere and pure that Mu Qing would never have dared to get in the way, even though he had dreamed about him for so long.
But he was tired. And, most of all, he was not worthy of it. He was a sad and pathetic empty shell with nothing to offer anymore.
"I'm exhausted, Hua Cheng," he finally said, "I can't take it anymore."
Hua Cheng did not understand, it was written on his face and it did not surprised Mu Qing. Hua Cheng was always stupidly optimistic in his very own particular way tiled with arrogance, how can he understand the utter void that was eating Mu Qing from the inside? But still, Hua Cheng was in a pure state of disbelief and shock, and rarely had Mu Qing seen him so discomposed.
"I can't... keep standing here," continued the god "I simply need to end all this. I know you can’t understand”, he said deciding to look at him in the eye “But I cannot do it anymore, I’m tired.”
"Then why won't you let us help you?" the other asked, "Mu Qing, you have endured all this alone for centuries. I don't know why but I know that if we all face it together we are stronger. I know that, I am sure."
Mu Qing make a grimace and he shook his head. I
"There is no way out for me. There never was. You cannot talk me out of this Hua Cheng, I’m sorry.”
My Qing stood up and then leaned toward him, cupped his face in his hands and kissed him gently on the lips.
"Goodbye."
Mu Qing walked past him and then left the room, closing the door behind him and closing a long and important chapter of his existence behind him for good.
*
Mu Qing never stayed for more than a few days in the same village. He walked and walked and walked relentlessly. He slept in caves, slept in trees, slept in the abandoned shacks of seasonal workers.
He could not risk being recognized, his temples were everywhere in the southern territory and the last thing he wanted was attention so he tended to always stay hidden. He didn't know exactly how long it would take him to vanish into thin air but he didn't really care. Just the thought that one day it would happen was enough to calm him down and give him the energy to go on wandering aimlessly.
Then one day he had stopped in front of a not very large temple, completely black with red accents. It took him a moment to recognize the statue of Hua Cheng clutching what should have been Xie Lian. He looked up at the plaque and read "The Ghost King and the Martial God" on it, which confirmed his suspicions.
Mu Qing stood still for a long moment and then felt tears slide down his eyes from sadness. He was convinced that he no longer had enough emotions or feelings to find himself in that situation but seeing how happy Hua Cheng and Xie Lian seemed to be together, now that it had been more he had left Paradise Manor he felt as if someone had sunk a hand into his chest and ripped his heart out with a blow.
He leaned against the temple walls, looking at the statue for a very long time. But in a very distorted way, he was happy for the both of them. He just wished he could be with them too.
*
Mu Qing worked as a brick maker, as a farmer, as an animal breeder. Sometimes he helped some old merchants with their stores, sometimes he repaired roofs or doors. He did not care much about what he did as long as someone paid him and he could eat as regularly as possible. The years of walking were always more and many of his temples were being demolished to make way for some new deity. Mu Qing would have liked to say he regretted it, but each temple that was destroyed was a step toward his own goal, but he still tried to think about it as little as possible. He simply wanted to fade away, not to have a countdown clock breathing down his neck. He wanted to see as much as he could, to know as much as he could so he had continued to travel and eventually had passed the desert and their cities and had also passed the forests that grew behind them, until he arrived at a placid and peaceful landscape of cultivated countryside.
Mu Qing did not know it yet but the first step he had taken into that countryside as the forest mingled with cultivated fields had been the first of his recovery.
*
It had begun as a wanting to repay for hospitality on a particularly rainy night. The lady he had taken refuge with was elderly and had asked him if he would be willing to go to the village to buy food, he could also take the cart, and Mu Qing had agreed.
The ox was as old as the lady and for a moment Mu Qing had doubted that he would survive the journey back but he hitched the wagon anyway and had decided to leave that the sun had to rise. The village was four Lǐ away and would take more or less three hours. He wanted to arrive that the market was just open to find the best goods at the best price; he had gotten good at haggling over the years. Mu Qing had gone and returned with a cart full for at least one lunar cycle and had collapsed asleep for the night.
Then it had been a succession of commitments (fix the roof, improve the ox barn, maybe fix the well if that was possible?) and Mu Qing had accepted each request out of compassion until he realized that he had been there for almost a full year now and had simply integrated into a new daily routine that made him feel as safe as he had ever imagined he could be. And in the end he had stayed, voluntarily.
This was the fifth cotton picking he had done, and the work that evening had tired him out so much that he had prepared a bath to recover. He had washed and dressed in clean robes that the lady had washed and dried for him and sat at the table devouring everything there was. Mrs. Chao was sitting by the fireplace mending something and they had conversed throughout the meal, about this and that. Mostly Mrs. Chao tried to match him up wit someone from the two villages nearby and ut was almost funny now, she was very creative.
"Mu Qing, have you ever thought of getting married?"
The other burst into dry laughter and turned to his.
"Apó, again?”
"What's so funny? You are young and handsome," he commented, "I know the village doctor's daughter is just as young and beautiful. Have you ever thought of having your birth dates read?"
"I have enough work," commented the general, "Plus, I'm not interested."
"Well, that's not a problem. There's always the butcher's son, they say he always looks at you as if..."
"Please!" interrupted his Mu Qing blushing "I'm not interested in a love affair," he commented amused "I'm fine like this, really. Apó I hope you didn't have any strange discussions when we were in the village last time!"
"Don't talk nonsense, obviously I have" she replied with a wave of his hand, "I worry about you, you can't throw away your youth thrown into this corner of the country. Why don't you go to the village, you are good with the sword, you can hunt or help the tailor or who knows what else."
"That's okay," repeated Mu Qing still amused as he returned to look at himself in the mirror, then gently arranging Hua Cheng's pendant next to the small chest with the few things he had brought with him "I don't really need much. I’m happy as I am.”
"Oh Mu Qing," she sighed again but without adding more.
Mu Qing lay down on his stole beside the unlit fireplace, the window open, and promptly fell asleep.
That night he dreamed of Xie Lian and when he woke up, there were tears in his eyes. It was really a long time since last he ha dreamed about him.
*
Hua Cheng saw Xie Lian burning one incense for Mu Qing and make a grimace of anger and frustration. Mu Qing had been gone too short a time for the ghost to be able to see anything that reminded him of it without feeling that way of humiliation at seeing how much he had failed and how much Mu Qing had given up.
"Gege, why?"
"I know he will show up sooner or later. You just have to be patient."
"...He shouldn't have left," mumbled the ghost sneaking glances at him, trying to control his own voice.
"Some things have to be solved alone, San Lang," commented Xie Lian as he lit another incense “I really don’t understand why you are so upset San Lang.”
"Mu Qing choose to die instead to trust us andet us help him. That’s why I’m upset."
The prince turned to him, an incredibly distant look in his eyes.
"I know that, but my question stand still. Why are you upset? Who should he have trusted?" he asked again, "Me, who reappeared after eight centuries and was practically a stranger to him? Or you, San Lang, who were willing to let him die? You are the first one who did not trust him, why should Mu Qing have trusted you and confided in you about whatever horrible thing Jun Wu did to him?"
Hua Cheng brutally swallowed the rest of his own complaints, bowing his eyes, almost in taken back. Xie Lian realized his own harsh tone and took a deep breath reaching for him.
"I myself have taken centuries to recover from many things. Things you witnessed firsthand, San Lang," he began, resting a hand on his leg, "Why are you always so hard on him?”
"Gege, that's not true."
"You are always the first to criticize him, the first to doubt him. You know San Lang, sometimes I don't understand why you get so hung up on him. Sometimes I'm not even sure you really have feelings for Mu Qing."
Hua Cheng raised his head toward him, white in the face. He tried to say something, but no words came out of his mouth.
“Why are you still punishing him for something that happened so long time ago that even I have forgotten about it? Isn't it enough what Mu Qing had to endure?" he pressed, feeling again a surge of anger mount in his stomach "Hasn't he already been punished enough, brutally even, for his naiveté and inexperience?"
The ghost stood still for half a second then could not contain himself.
"I know I fucked up a lot with Mu Qing," he exclaimed, "I know. But I was there at the end. I was there and would have given him all the support he needed. Instead Mu Qing decided to leave, to die. Yes, I am furious with him! I feel mocked, I feel like all these centuries he's been lying to me and..."
Xie Lian turned toward him, slowly, and Hua Cheng was reminded for a measly moment of the look he had when he was on the verge of becoming a Calamity, many centuries before. Oh, Xie Lian would not let him cross that line with Mu Qing, he would defend him to the end of the world, it was obvious.
"Gege, I don't want to fight with you, that's the last thing I want. Really."
The prince took another deep breath then the next moment seemed to be back to himself and Hua Cheng felt like a little more confident.
"San Lang, I will not give up on Mu Qing. He has fought for centuries for keep me safe and I will not abandon him now. He will come back home, I know it.”
Hua Cheng looked down again and without saying anything else, he left the room.
*
Mu Qing woke up in the middle of the night. He was dreaming again about Hua Cheng and Xie Lian, the dream still impressed in his mind, making impossible to sleep anytime soon. He got up and sat on the small terrace, turning Hua Cheng's pendant in his hands. His thoughts swirled around Xie Lian for a long time and then turned back to the ghost. He missed them, he missed them so much that he felt his breath break in his chest at times. He knew that pendant was imbued with Hua Cheng's spiritual energy. He knew that if he used the maximum of what was left in his own spiritual core he could contact him, perhaps.
But he had been missing for so many years that he did not have the courage to take that step. Why should he have condemned Hua Cheng and Xie Lian to just a few more moments together when he would soon be dead anyway? His temples had already all been destroyed or converted to other deities so he knew he did not have much time.
That was his only regret, not being able to see them one last time, now that he felt in control of his own life, his own decisions, again. Now that he felt mentally healthy and stable again, now that the memories of Jun Wu did not hurt as much as they used to, now that there were whole nights where he did not have nightmares. He regret that their last memories of him would be about a sad shell when now he was a human again. Now that he was well on his way to wresting from Jun Wu's icy fingers all the power he had given him.
There was a time when he would never have been able to lie down in the countryside, catch the last rays of the sunset and feel relaxed to the point he could simply fall asleep. Fear had given way to awareness, which allowed him to see what he could never have seen before.
He liked his life there, had always felt a placid security in the routine he had built for himself, and was firmly convinced that it would be the best place to die.
He had once been terrified by the mere thought of death. Now he had found a way to live with it because it was still the best choice. He wanted to experience everything he had never had, and knowing that it would all end soon forced him to fight for as much of it as possible, of everything.
"Mu Qing?"
The man looked up and hinted a smile at Mrs. Chao.
"You should sleep."
"So should you, for that matter," she replied without blinking, sitting down in the second chair.
"You always says you are old, old people are not awake at this hour. You seem pretty awake to me, do you want to come to the field with me tomorrow?," Mu Qing sneered amusedly.
"What arrogance this youth," he mumbled, taking a bag of sesame seeds, "What keeps you awake?"
Mu Qing looked away and went back to fiddling with the pendant.
"You would think I’m out if my mind.ć
"That you're crazy I already know!" commented the other while continuing to eat "I saw how you smiled at the butcher's son last week and the week before that and still didn't have your birth dates read," he concluded with a note of disappointment “What are you waiting for Mu Qing, I didn’t have long to live, I want to be blessed with a marriage before I die!”
Mu Qing blushed and cleared his throat, without looking at his.
"I ascended as a martial god eight centuries ago," he said instead after a moment of silence, "And many many years ago I left for an exile with the purpose of dying. I didn't want to stop, to be honest, but this seems like a good place to, you know, disappear."
The woman was silent for a long minute.
"What name did your worshippers pray to?" he finally asked, with a deep sigh.
"Xuan Zhen."
"Hmm. I think I heard it from some caravans when I was young. But we don't have much religious culture around here. Why did you give that up?"
Mu Qing shook his shoulders.
"I had to heal. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I left everything behind, including the people I loved."
"So that's why you insist on not having your birth dates read with anyone. What a pity."
Mu Qing looked up at his.
"I just told you that I am a dying deity, and you answer me like this?"
"My dear, when you live a mortal life, you learn to recognize the important things."
The other remained silent, returning to look at the pendant.
"I do. In fact, I miss them, they are the most important things," he finally murmured, "I miss them so much that sometimes just thinking about them is unbearable."
"If you have a chance Mu Qing, you should take it. Do you really want to die leaving them with the memory of your departure as a reminder? Or are you afraid of rejection?"
"I don't want to die after seeing what I could have had."
The woman sighed.
"Mu Qing, do you know what the hardest thing is?" she then asked, "It is not dying, dying is easy. But living my dear, living without regret is the hardest thing of all."
Mu Qing did not answer.
~
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
*
He was nervous. Oh, he was nervous.
He had been pacing back and forth for at least an incense, in his head every apocalyptic scenario he could think of. He had sent a message to Hua Cheng asking him to join him with Xie Lian and had infused his own spiritual energy inside the pendant.
He did not have enough to make contact or to speak directly, but it had perhaps been for the best. If he had had to hear their voices, he probably would not have had the courage to say anything, indeed, just thinking that he would see them again soon was enough to...
"Qing'er?”
Mu Qing turned sharply toward the road and stood still for a long moment upon seeing Xie Lian. He felt his breath leave his lungs and felt that myriad of emotions that were quelled by Jun Wu's abuse before he left. Now that he had managed to put enough pieces of himself back together, Mu Qing felt the weight of loneliness suddenly leave him and without even thinking about it he ran to him.
He felt himself wrapped in Xie Lian's arms and held him with all the strength he was capable of, trying to contain his tears of joy, with very little success.
"Qing'er, we missed you," Xie Lian exhaled in a broken voice.
"I'm sorry it took me so long."
"I knew you would make it!" continued the prince "You have always been incredibly strong, I knew you would come back."
Mu Qing failed to respond and simply took him by the face and kissed him with all his energy, feeling the prince reciprocate almost immediately, wrapping his arms around his neck. Xie Lian's first moan embarrassed him and caught him off guard at the same time, forcing him to break off a kiss and take half a step back.
Xie Lian had a silly, bamboozled smile on his face that made Mu Qing blush even more before, but they still remained close, so close that the prince clung to him again, as if he did not want to let go but it was at that moment that he noticed that Hua Cheng (rather, San Lang) was chatting with Mrs. Chao.
He would have liked to say he was annoyed, but something inside him was relieved to see him with younger features. He remembered how after his abduction he had turned away from him in a panic, albeit completely unintentionally. Mu Qing had never been afraid of Hua Cheng, and that had been the straw that had made him realize that it was time to leave.
Hua Cheng turned to him with a half smile when he was close enough.
"His Highness has been waiting for nothing else, for ages," he murmured as he leaned toward him, his smile changing to a grin.
Mu Qing blushed again, still with Xie Lian holding tightly to his arm, unwilling to let him go. Mrs. Chao chuckled for a moment before leaving, announcing that the dumplings would be ready soon.
"How are you? What have you been doing? How did you get here?" asked Xie Lian immediately afterward, "Qing'er tell us all about it!"
"Gege give Mu Qing time to breathe," laughed the ghost "He seems like a lovely lady," he then said addressing the general "He asked me if I am going to marry you because he is old now and wants to have a blessing in the family. Did he say anything about ... the butcher's son? Very intense looks, from what I understand," he concluded with a grin.
The other blushed violently upon hearing this and then grimaced.
"Apó! Stop trying to pair me up with someone!" he then exclaimed as he entered without answering, yet hearing Xie Lian's crystalline laughter.
The day passed with Xie Lian and Hua Cheng filling him in on everything that had happened, and both were amazed every time Mu Qing burst into sincere and amused laughter. At that moment Xie Lian was getting ready for bed and Mu Qing was joined by Hua Cheng on the terrace.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he sat down at the table next to him.
Mu Qing took a sip of tea, continuing to look at the countryside in front of him.
"I have made a habit of drinking a cup of tea every night, looking do in front of me. This place makes me feel peaceful and safe."
"It peaceful and safe," agreed the other, nodding, "You've chosen a nice corner of the land, there aren't many yet."
They remained silent then Mu Qing took courage and turned to him.
"Why haven't I disappeared yet, Hua Cheng? After so many years I should be long dead."
"Are you surprised? You know that a deity does not need a temple to be worshipped. You have people who firmly believe in you, Mu Qing, without needing to know your history. His Highness and I… we knew you would regain your balance."
Mu Qing continued to drink, slowly.
"I know you are angry with me," he then said without looking at him “I know you don’t understand why I left.”
The other sighed.
"I was angry because I never thought you were someone who gives up. And seeing you voluntarily go to your death infuriated me. I didn't want to give up on you, not like that."
"I know. But I couldn't stay any longer. Too much had happened and all at once, I felt humiliated, naked and vulnerable as never before. You and Xie Lian should never have known what was between Jun Wu and me. I wasn't well, Hua Cheng," he murmured then, running his fingers over the tips of his hair, thoughtfully "And it was something I had to resolve on my own, but to do it I would have to leave behind everything I knew, including my ascension."
"It took me a long time, but I finally figured it out Mu Qing. I understood why you did it or why you felt like there was no way out. But ... we are here now, if you want it. I am here if there is still a chance."
Mu Qing exhaled an amused laugh and brought his leg to his chest, continuing to drink.
"I'm dying Hua Cheng," he finally said, looking at one hand, slowly moving his fingers, "I don't want to be seen in that condition. I wanted… what I really wanted was to show you the better version of myself. The healed one.”
"Didn't you hear me today? You are not going to die, Mu Qing. As long as he and I are here, then so are we."
"Hua Cheng...I don't know if I am able to be what you expect. I wanted to see you desperately, to show you that I am better. But I don't know if..."
Hua Cheng slipped the cup out of his hands, interrupting him, and the general finally shifted his gaze to him, remaining a long moment staring into his eyes, discovering how much he had missed them. Since Xie Lian had returned, he had not done so, complicit in all the problems that had come between them. But as before, Mu Qing felt seen by him, alive and important. He had missed those feelings.
"I know it took me forever Mu Qing, but when you left..." the ghost grimaced and then shrugged his shoulders "Your departure forced me to see all my mistakes and I could no longer make excuses. You are enough for us. The rest is relative."
Mu Qing peered at him for another very long moment.
"You are sincere," he finally commented, almost amazed, "Do you understand that there will probably never be anything physical between us? That there will be days that I won't want to see anyone, other that I'll be angry at the world? Others that ... who knows?" he finally sighed with another grimace.
"I do know. And I don't care. We missed you, Mu Qing. I missed you."
Mu Qing bent his head to one side and then hinted a smile, nodding.
"All right," he finally said, "But I'll stay here, I can't leave Mrs. Chao or the village. Many are elderly."
"No problem," said Hua Cheng fumbling in a sleeve and handing him what looked like a hair pin, butterflies finely inlaid in jade "This will take you to Paradise Manor whenever you want. You can communicate with us through my spiritual energy. You will never be alone again, never again Mu Qing."
Mu Qing exhaled an amused laugh, turning the pin in his fingers and then pinning it in his hair with a bright smile.
"Thank you Hua Cheng."
The other returned the smile and then softly clapped his hand on the table.
"Let's go now. We have a long day of work ahead of us tomorrow."
"What do you mean?" asked Mu Qing as he stood up and stretched.
"Mrs. Chao would like to expand the barn and maybe plow a bigger area. But she said that by yourself, of course, you can't do that. So His Highness and I have decided to stay for a while, help you fix things up. Enjoy some time together, maybe."
Mu Qing looked at him again and sneered again.
"Know that her absurd demands are the reason I've been here for five years," he commented with another laugh.
Hua Cheng had very rarely heard Mu Qing laugh before his departure. And now, in just one day, he had already lost count of those soft, joy-filled laughs, a joy he had never seen before that moment. Mu Qing seemed like a different person, and if during Xie Lian's exile he had often questioned the prince's taste because of Mu Qing's perpetual bad mood and his sarcastic comments beyond measure and his distrust and cynicism, he now understood that this was the real Mu Qing and probably who he was when he was still a mortal.
He was excited about the days ahead and was happy to see that it seemed the same for Mu Qing as well.
Xie Lian was right, he had had it all along.
Fighting for Mu Qing was worth it. It would always be worth it.
~
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)