Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Chapter Text
For the first time Remus boards the Hogwarts express alone to go home for the summer. He has been stealthily avoiding the rest of the marauders since the term ended. It doesn’t matter that James seems to be even madder than Remus is. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t seen Pete say a word to Sirius since it happened. Remus cannot stand to look at them. He feels like a monster. He is a monster. How can his friends even stand to look at him? Share a room with him? He could’ve killed Severus, and the wolf in him would’ve been glad. It makes him sick to even think of it, and it's all Sirius’ fault. Well, that's unfair. If it weren’t for the fact that he was a monster, an abomination, a deadly creature then it never would've happened in the first place.
Remus files through the train avoiding looking up. He doesn’t want anyone to see him. He doesn’t want to be here in this crowded aisle. He’s not sure where he wants to be. He’s not sure if he wants to be anywhere at all. His skin is itchy and he feels like he is going to explode. Looking around he sees an open compartment. He walks past it to the bathroom. Checking every stall before he locks the bathroom and sits against the wall. There's not many places to hide on the express and he is sure someone will come looking for him. Lily probably, maybe James, or maybe even Sirius if he still has his death wish.
Sirius had come looking for him everyday for a week after it happened. Begging for forgiveness and saying he was sorry. It didn’t matter. For the first day Remus had cried and begged to know why Sirius would do such a thing after everything. For the next few days Remus had screamed. Yelling that Sirius knew his biggest fear was being like Greyback. To close the week, after Remus has said his fill and Sirius continuing to beg Remus hadn’t said a word. He wouldn’t even look in Sirius’ direction. Remus knew he could never forgive Sirius, or honestly himself. For being like he is, for trusting Sirius, for not listening to his Father.
After being told for so many years he was wrong, evil, and disgusting Remus had believed it. But then he went to school. He made friends and tried to hide what he was terrified it would all be ripped away once they found out. But then they did find out and it was okay. They said they didn’t care. They said they were still his friends. They said it changed nothing.
They said they loved him.
It was all a lie and this proved it. Sirius came to his senses first. But James and Pete would follow. Remus should never have let his hopes and his fun dictate this much of his life. His Father was right. Now Remus had to keep school as his only priority, no more friends, no more fun. He was a werewolf for god sake he shouldn’t even be at this school.
Leaning against the door he pulled out his last pack of muggle cigarettes and looked. Only three left, he thought. Not even enough to last him the train ride home. Shaking his head he lit one, breathing the fumes in and letting himself relax against the door. In about an hour he will make his move to try and find an empty compartment, and by the end of the day he will be home. Just him and his father for the whole summer. He already knows how it will go. He will see his father standing on the platform, Lyall will see him. They will leave without the usual scolding about how long it took him to get off the train. They will floo home, Lyall being too drunk to apparate. It has been like that since third year, since his mother passed. It will be a lot of quiet days and loud argumentative nights. That or nights where he will have to clean up Lyalls messes. His father will clean himself up enough one night a month. Enough to set the charms needed to keep Remus in place for the moon. Remus won't write any letter, unlike any other year. He doesn’t expect to get any either. Well maybe some from Lily he supposes, but he cannot respond. He knows this now. His father will be angry at him all the time. Glaring this way and that. Yelling about something or another. Since he went to school he thought it was unfair, now he understands again.
With a wave of worry he thinks about Sirius. Think about if he thought he should be punished too when he used to go home for break. If he thought he deserved it. He shakes his head angrily, Sirius doesn't need nor deserve his worry anymore. He is with the Potters and no longer a friend of his.
Someone bangs on the bathroom door. Remus stands up, looks in the mirror, takes a deep breath, and unlocks the door. He side steps the ravenclaw first year and goes to look for an open compartment. It's a little sooner than he had wanted to leave the bathroom, but beggars can't be choosers and it's far enough along in the ride that everyone already has their seats. He stays clear of where the marauders' usual seats are.
Finding a compartment was easier than expected. Falling asleep after so many nights laying awake was even easier.
***
Remus woke up the door sliding open and Lily stepping in.
“Why aren’t you sitting with the others, Remus?” In this lighting Lily’s green eyes sparkled as she looks at him sadly and with pity. Remus hates pity. And Remus had made up his mind days ago. No more friends and that includes Lily.
“Didn’t want to.” Remus replied simply as Lily sat down across from him.
“Are you ever going to tell me what happened? Remus, this isn’t like you.” Lily lets out an aggravated sigh when he doesn't look up and continues, “I know Black did something. But none of the boys will tell me what it is. James is furious at him for your information. Never seen James this mad at anything, let alone Sirius.” Lily looks at him, eyes expecting. Remus looks away. It's going to be harder than he thought keeping Lily away. Suddenly, he wants to cry. He wants to tell Lily and scream and cry. But he wont, he can’t. So instead he says, “Lily, I’m really tired, so could you please.” He makes eyes at the door. Lily looks like she's going to cry. “Remus you can’t keep doing this you can’t keep pushing us away. I won't stand for it. I know something bad happened and if you don’t want to tell me that's okay. It really is. You don't have to. But you can't just stop talking to all of us. Please we miss you.” Remus just looks away. It’s hard. But it's what has to be done.
Lily takes a deep shuddering breath, pulls a book from out of her robes and sits there reading across from him. Not speaking and never looking up. Remus feels his eyes water. He knows it's going to be hard to keep Lily away. He’s not sure he wants to, but what he knows for sure is he has to. It's for the best. That doesn't stop his heart from hurting though. Thinking about all their time together. Before he was good friends with the Marauders, Lily had been there. The silent teasing force on his side. Always there to offer a smile and listening ears. She was different than people thought. Not the swot prefect or the poor muggleborn. She was a strong force. She played pranks like the Marauders, different from the Marauders though she never got caught. She had always been there for Remus, like Remus had been for her. She was the first to know his Mother died. He was the first to know when Petunia stop talking to her. The others use to tease him. They used to ask if they were dating. Sirius and Pete thought it was funny. James was heart broken. No matter how many times he would tell them she's just a friend it took them years to believe him. So, yeah, distancing himself from her was going to be hard. Really, really, hard.
Lily never did leave the compartment. She sat there and read her book until they pulled into the station. Once they were there she looked up at him. Waited till he looked at her then said, “I’ll be here when you're ready to talk. Don’t worry about the boys. Have a good summer, Remus.” She smiled sadly and walked out of the compartment before Remus could think of something to say. He felt horrible. He knew he would only ever disappoint her. If only she knew what he was.
Chapter 2: Chapter 2
Notes:
Two in one day! This probably will be the only time this happens. This one is slightly sadder than the last, but it's still just a lot of sad remus angst. TW for neglect, alcoholism, and all the fun and joy that comes with the full moon
Hope you enjoy as sad as it was it is it was fun to write.
Chapter Text
Just as he thought when he gets off the train there is Lyall’s tall wide frame waiting for him towards the back of the crowded platform. They make eye contact and Lyall nods and walks towards the exit. Remus goes to follow him when he spots them. The marauders, all three of them walking towards the Potters and Pete's Mum. They don't look all that mad at Sirius anymore. All six of them were smiling and hugging in turn. He looks away quickly but not fast enough. James had spotted him and started to run over. Remus turns to walk away. He cannot talk to James right now, he just cannot.
“Remus! Remus, stop please,” James and practically yelling now. James, of course, catches up to Remus and grabs his wrist. Quickly pulling away Remus turns to look at James. “I’m sorry,” James said, ashamed. “I shouldn’t have grabbed you, but Remus please. I haven’t forgiven him. What he did was… was just awful. He is truly sorry, I believe him. But if you can’t forgive him I won't either. You don’t have to talk to him or even speak to him. But please please Moony-” Remus flinched at the nickname. James seems to notice his eyes going wide with sadness as he continues, “Please Remus we miss you. Don't push us away.”
“James,” Remus says looking down, picking at the long sleeves of his sweater. “I have to go my Dads waiting.”
James sighs, obviously saddened that his speech didn’t work. “Okay, okay, but please send a letter, yeah?” Remus shakes his head. He knew this was going to be hard and it is but it is for the best he reminds himself.
“I’m sorry James, but I’m done. I can’t. It was bound to happen. What Sirius did, it was bound to happen. He was just the first to come to his senses. I don’t blame him, really. I shouldn’t have ever expected anything different.” James looks absolutely broken. He is staring at Remus, deer in the headlights mouth wide open.
“Moony, Moony… no, no that not it that not right no. What he did was wrong on so many levels you have no-”
“Remus!” Lyall’s booming voice cut off James and Remus couldn’t hide his flinch. James' eyes went wide. He most definitely didn’t miss Remus’ flinch. Shit, Remus thought as James watched Lyall throw his hand down hard on Remus’ shoulder. Smelling distinctly of booze. “You always keep me waiting don’t you. Like you want me to suffer in this place for longer. Come on, let go.” He grabbed Remus’ arm sharply and pulled Remus after him. James was left behind to watch. Eyes wide, mouth open, thoughts going at the speed of light.
“You had me standing there looking like a fool, Remus. Did you know that? Did you even care?” Lyall has yet to let go of his arm and he is starting to think it will leave a bruise. “We talk about this every year. It’s those little friends of yours, you know. Always causing you to make bad decisions. The owls I get about your behavior with those friends. It's embarrassing Remus. You are there to go to school. Not muck about. You shouldn’t even have friends you know. If only they knew about you. I don't know what Dumbledore was thinking letting you go to that school.” He only stopped when they made it to the floo. But right before he could grab the powder Remus spoke up, “I’m no longer friends with them. That's why I kept you waiting. I was telling him I was done. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to take that long.” It was the truth. Not that Lyall would believe him.
Lyall only just scoffed before taking the floo powder and stepping into the fireplace.
***
Home was a lonely place. After his Mum passed he started to think of Hogwarts as home. Not anymore. This was his house and as cliche as it is to say it doesn’t feel like home to him. Once they got back his Dad just grabbed a muggle beer and sat in his big recycling chair. Remus just took his trunk and headed to his room.
When he got in there it was clear Lyall had not stepped one foot in his room since he had left. There was a thin sheet of dust covering everything and Remus was perfectly content with that. From what the house looked like downstairs he is glad his room was left to the dust mites. At least there were no open bottles or takeaway containers on the ground. Remus shoved his trunk in the corner of the room and looked around. He had almost forgotten what his room looked like. A small twin bed tucked into the corner of his room. A small wooden desk and matching chair next to it with a window above. Across from the bed was his dresser. A few paces from the foot of his bed was his small closet and that was that. Remus went to lay on his bed, but catching his eye were the two picture frames on his dresser. One of himself and his mother and the other of the marauders together. He grabbed the frame, opening the bottom drawer of his dresser and slammed it in. Not caring if it broke or shattered in any way. He was not losing sight of what needed to happen.
Finally getting on his bed, laying there he wondered what he was going to do all summer. He did have plenty of homework to do, but that would last him two weeks three tops if he does it slowly. He has no one to write to and no one to talk to. He knows he is going to have to avoid Lyall the best he can. Avoid the arguments and the blame. He may hate himself, but not enough to subject himself to his Father longer than needed. The first full moon of the summer is five days away. That should take up at least two to three days of the summer. He has a feeling it is going to be a bad one too. He already feels as though he is coming out of his skin. His bones are creaking and his head hurts. Not for the first time he wishes Pomfrey was with him all summer. If he does miss one thing from school it is her.
He sighs, rolls over and decides to make a mental list of all the things he can do this summer.
1.) School work
2.) Buy more muggle cigarettes
3.) Get money for said cigarettes
4.) Read
He only gets to those four before he truly does realizes he is in for his worst summer yet.
***
Around dinner time, he decides to make his way down stairs. He is starved and the moon being so close is only making him more ravenous. As he enters their sitting room he sees his Father still sitting in his chair passed out with a beer in his hand. Upside down. The contents of said beer on the ground. There are a few more beers sounding him and a few dinner plates never put away. This is something Remus forgot to put on his list and mentally adds it now.
5.) Clean up after dad (and probably make his meals too)
With an irritated sigh Remus gets to work cleaning up the mess. After it's done he goes to raid the fridge for dinner. He successfully finds the ingredients to make eggs and toast. He makes two plates. Leaves one on the side table next to his Father and goes to his room with his own.
Eating silently and alone Remus comes to the sudden realization that these nights, when his Father is passed out on the couch and he is left to take care of himself, will probably be the best nights of the summer.
When he is done eating, he cries into his pillow until he falls into a restless sleep.
***
Remus was right. Lyall did pull himself together for the full moon. When he woke up the morning of the full and walked into the sitting room instead of being greeted with a passed out Father surrounded by bottles, he was greeted with his Father sitting at the table with a mug of coffee and a piece of toast. They were even able to hold a civil conversation. It felt like the old times. It felt like before his mother passed. Underneath the civil banter there was resentment. Probably from both sides more than Remus wanted to admit. But that is how it always was. So, yeah, it felt like the old times. Remus knew not to get attached; however, he knew that this wasn’t going to last. Once the moon set it was back to the old ways.
After breakfast, Remus migrated back to his room to ride out the worst of the pre moon pains. When he got there an owl was sitting on his bed. Big white envelope attached. Remus had been dreading this. He had. So why did it feel like relief when he saw it? Why was he happy that he wasn’t forgotten? He wanted to be forgotten. It was for the best. Either way he eagerly ripped open the letter.
Hiya Remus!
Hope you have had a good start to your break. Mine has been dreadful! Pet won't even look in my direction and mum is trying to get me to learn to cook and iron and whatever will make me a good wife. I keep trying to tell her there are spells for all of that, but she won't listen. Next week should be better though Marls and I are meeting up and hopefully Mary will join us, but you know how she is. Already has some muggle boy wrapped around her finger for the summer!
Anyways, I know you're in your mood or whatever right now. I know you don’t want to talk to any of the boys and frankly I don’t blame you. I saw what happened with you and Potter at the station, sorry about that by the way. But please Remus talk to me and the girls. We won't try to pry (well Marls and I wont can't promise anything about Mary) you can say whatever you want. Just don’t hide away all summer, yeah? We all missed you very much at the end of term. Well, I guess that was the whole purpose of my letter. Just don't push us all away, we do really care about you. It made me so sad to see how sad you were on the train. Sorry, I know boys don’t do those types of feelings but still, we say whatever we want to each other, yeah? Well please write back or I WILL worry!!
With love,
Lily
With a heavy heart and teary eyes Remus dropped the letter next to the picture frame and closed the drawer. He knew this would be hard. He was preparing himself for it. He just doesn’t want Lily to worry. The whole point of him stopping being friends with them is to protect them from harm. Making them worry is harming them. Maybe this is for the best. Lily worrying for about a week or so and then getting angry and hating Remus. Yes, let her hate him. It will end up being for the best.
***
With nightfall came the worst moon of his life. He remembers very little other than the pain of the transformation. The wolf must’ve been feeling Remus’ emotions because the wolf tore himself to shreds.
Remus woke up in the most pain he had ever felt. Blood pooled around him and he was gasping for breath. He wanted Poppy to get here soon. Please, he begged, get here soon. He didn’t understand why Poppy was taking her time. She was always there within 15 minutes of him waking up. So where was she? He needed her. Where was she? It was like that night all over again. That night was the only night she didn’t come right on time and even then he was only waiting 30 minutes tops. He had forgotten he wasn’t at school with the kind nurse. Not until his Father opened the door. He grunted, eyes fluttering hoping his Father knew to what extent his injuries were. To his Fathers credit the second he saw Remus and ran over wand out, fixing him up the best he could.
“Oh Remus, oh Remus!” His Father was basically crying. “I’m so sorry, son. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault it really is.”
Remus didn’t like thinking right now. He didn't want to think about what his Father was saying, what he was admitting to. He wanted to cry. He wanted to curl up into a ball. He wanted his Mum to hold him. He couldn’t do any of these things. So he closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep.
Chapter 3: Chapter 3
Notes:
All of the after moon glory and more emotions for poor remus. uhhhh TW for neglect and a tough father son relationship.
So as of right now I think this is going to be about 10 chapters give or take. That is how many I have planned out at this moment but that may change.
Chapter Text
Remus woke up sore and alone but in considerably less amount of pain than the last time. He felt itchy all over, and he had a throbbing pain coming from his face.
Oh, he thought. Well shit.
This was bound to happen, he considered as he lifted his hand to his face feeling the bandage. He had been lucky so far. Most of his scars were easily concealable. Not anymore. The faint voice in the back of his mind questioned if it really even mattered anymore. By the time term started he won't have anyone left that will question a scar. Everyone else can think what they want to think.
Groaning, he turned his head to look around the room. Everything was in its place, chair included. No one had sat by his bedside. He thought idly if his Father even meant the words he had said to him. If he had even said them at all. Remus guessed that it could’ve just been his imagination taking control in a time of need. A time when he needed his Father to be there for him. A time in which all he needed to hear was a simple apology or even some type of affection shown.
He stares up at the ceiling fighting back tears. He wants to go downstairs. He wants to see with his own eyes his Father, his Dad, drunk maybe even passed out when his son is upstairs in pain covered in bandages. He wants to be wrong. He wants there to be some sort of emergency that pulled his Father away from his bedside. He wants to walk downstairs to see his Father making Remus’ favorite tea, apologizing that it took him so long. He knows he is right, though. He knows what he will see if he steps foot downstairs. It makes him want to go down more. It makes his blood boil and the wolf instincts to come out. He wants to scream at and hit his Father. He wants to yell in his face that when he was getting drunk, Remus was here sick and in pain. He wants to beg him to just be a Father. To care. Remus won't do it though. Instead he rolls over, wincing as he does, ready to fall back asleep and say goodbye to his life for a little while longer.
Before sleep can take him, though, he hears a light tapping at the window. He wanted to ignore it. He wanted to pretend he didn’t know what would be waiting for him when he rolled over. He closed his eyes, willing the tapping to go away. Of course, it just got louder. He sighed, this time rolling over took a lot of effort. With a great amount of pain he made it to the window and let the owl in. The owl simply dropped the letter in his lap and flew away. Not wanting to, but somehow unable to stop himself, Remus opened the letter.
Dear Remus Lupin,
How's your summer going, mate? Mine’s been okay. I love being home with mum and dad. I am still mad at Sirius, but it is hard to keep it from mum and dad, they have no idea what happened and I plan on keeping it that way. I honestly don’t know why. I’ll tell them if you want me to. They would be so mad at him. He would be punished, so just let me know, yeah?
Well, why I’m writing is because well it's been a full day since the moon and I just want to make sure you're okay. I know you said you didn't really wanna write and I get that you're mad, but I really do want to make sure you're okay. I know your transformations have been getting harder. It's hard to keep anything from us, Moony!
Well please write back just letting me know you're alive at least. You don't have to say anything you don’t want to.
Best wishes,
James Flemont Potter
Remus laughed to himself. What was it with purebloods signing their full names? It's so formal. He reached for a piece of parchment before he remembered. He isn’t going to respond. It's for the better, he reminds himself. If they hate you it will make it all easier. He drops the letter on his desk and goes back to bed.
***
When he woke up for the third time, he decided it was finally time to go downstairs. When he made it to the sitting room it was just what he expected for a Sunday afternoon, is Father halfway to being drunk sitting in his reclining chair with a beer bottle in one hand and The Daily Profit in the other. Lyall looked up when he walked in, nodded at him and looked back at the paper. Remus went to make himself some toast, only barely noticing when Lyall got up to go to the bathroom, only really noticing because on his way he drops the Profit down on the table. With his body still in a great amount of pain and his bandages itching like crazy he sits down to eat. He glanced at the Profit seeing some headline about Banshees in Northern Ireland, but then did a double take. Not because of the headline, but because of the date. It's Monday, not Sunday. At that exact moment his Father came back into the sitting room.
“Hey, Dad?” Lyall looked over at him. “Why aren’t you at work right now, isn’t it Monday?” He had a sneaking suspicion, but really really did not want to believe it.
“Those old bats fired me. They never really did like me. First chance they got they kicked me right out.” He went to crack open another beer. Remus was seething.
“So what are we going to do? We need money, Dad. Why aren’t you going to look for work?” Remus kept his emotions in check no matter how hard it was. The moment he yelled his father won and this was something his Father needed to hear. “I can try to find a muggle job in town for the summer, but that won't last us long.”
“Remus, I have been taking care of you, when could I have looked for work, hmm, when I was patching you up, making sure you weren’t going to choke on your own blood?” Lyall was mad, really really mad. But Remus was seeing red.
“Were you taking care of me though? I distinctly remember waking up alone. Not seeing you once since I woke up. You never even came to check on me. Or at least give me a meal. So I do think you could’ve had the time to go look for a job.” This was it, this is what the whole summer has been building to, Remus can feel it. They are going to have this out right here right now and Remus is not going to hold back. “But I guess, who would hire a drunk, who can’t even take care of their own son?”
Remus actually thought his Father was going to hit him for a second. He has never seen this look in Lyalls eyes. It's murderous. Lyall takes a step towards him, slams his fist into the table hard enough to knock Remus’ plate off, and Remus is actually scared. “Go to your room. Now!” And it is left up to no debate. Remus turns and walks up the stairs shaking a little. He has hated his Father for a few years now. But he has never actually been truly scared of him before. When he gets to the top of the stairs he hears a bottle break and then another and the door shut, and all Remus can think is his Father's fist connecting with his face like it did that table.
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
Notes:
TW: child abuse and big huge sad feelings (a lot of self hating)
this is a tough one guys like really tough. I would love to know your thoughts on this chapter as sad as it is I can't wait for you guys to read it. please let me know what you think!
Chapter Text
Things with Lyall have been tense for days now. Remus tries to be out of the house as much as possible. He found this little stream in the woods behind his house. It’s peaceful, and he has been sitting out there all day with a good book. It makes him crave a good cigarette though. He is planning on going into town once all his bandages are off. Finding a job and spending all his free time wandering the town instead of by the stream. Not that the stream isn’t nice. It might just be his favorite thing since coming home. It's just getting pretty repetitive. Every morning goes the same. He wakes up early and gets right out of bed. He grabs whichever book he wants to read that day. Quietly creep down the stairs to not wake his Father. Clean up whatever mess was left downstairs from the night before. Eat a small breakfast and take a piece of toast for lunch. Then take the seven minute walk down to the stream where he usually takes off his shoes and puts his feet in the water and reads till dark. Trying his best to avoid any thoughts of home or school or friends or family or really any thoughts at all, except for whatever the characters are doing in his book. Once the sun is about to set he walks back to the house. This is where his day becomes different. One of three things has been happening. Either he walks into his Father passed out on his chair or his Father is awake and completely ignores Remus or (Remus’ least favorite) his Father is awake and in an argumentative mood. He will yell at Remus for nothing at all or because a dish is left in the sink or the paper was moved from one table to the other or that Lyall’s favorite mug is nowhere to be found. Those are the nights Remus hates the most. He usually just stands there and takes the yelling. He doesn’t know what to do anymore. Since their big fight Remus doesn't want to fight back anymore. He is scared and hates that he is. He knows he is weak, but he can’t help it. If what gets him through the summer is just letting his Father yell at him until he drinks himself asleep then that's what he will do. He does deserve it, he guesses. A monster like him deserves nothing less. Sirius showed him that.
Today, as he made his way back to the house he wondered which evening he is going to be greeted with. He knows it is bad, but he can’t help but hope his Father has already drunk himself to sleep and he will walk into a silent calm house. He would love to just go up to his room, maybe finish the last chapter of his book and then go to bed. Staring at his front door he takes a deep breath and opens the door.
His Father's awake sitting on his chair, but he doesn’t even look up when Remus walks in the door. So it's going to be that kind of night. The one in which Lyall pretends he doesn’t even exist. Okay then, it could be worse. Remus bypasses Lyall and goes straight to his room. Right before he can get settled for bed, however, an owl is tapping at the window. Sighing, Remus opens it up and grabs the letter.
Remus!
You are actually making me worry, you know that don’t you? You know me, I worry about every little thing. I even got an owl from James asking if you have written me. We are really worried. Again you don't have to talk about anything you don’t want. Even an owl telling me to bugger off is better than nothing. I’m just worried about you. I had a bad feeling at the end of term and this silence is just making it worse.
Anyways please get back to me, or James, or anyone really, even if it's to tell us to stop bothering you. I am truly worried now.
With all my love,
Lily
Remus just shoved the letter in the drawer with the rest of them and went to bed with a throbbing heart.
***
The next day starts off the same as every other. He successfully avoided his Father all morning. He finished a very good muggle book, and he is pretty sure his bandages are ready to come off. Overall a very successful day.
That is until he gets back home from the stream. Lyall is in an argumentative mood tonight. The second Remus steps foot in the house he is being yelled at. “Why did you not clean up your dishes from breakfast, ungrateful git. Leaving your shit all over my house.”
Usually Remus just sits there and takes it, but he can’t help himself this one time. It's the injustice of it that causes him to speak up. “Those are your dishes. I washed and put away mine. Like I do, every day. Like I do for yours, every night.” He says it calmly, just stating the facts. Lyall does not care.
“I don't want your lip, you hear me! Clean up the dishes for god sake!” Remus is now seething.
“They are your dishes for fucks sake, it’s not right that I do everything around here. You are the Dad act like it!” Remus regretted it almost the second it left his mouth. Well shit, he thinks, he is too far in it now to back down.
“Oh you think you are little Mister perfect, don’t you? With your smart mouth, huh? Well get it through your thick head. No one is going to care whether you are in the right or in the wrong. You are a werewolf, you are always going to be in the wrong. That's how this works. That's how your life is going to be forever. I am just getting you used to it.” Lyall isn’t even really mad anymore. He just walks over to the fridge to get another beer, leaving Remus with his mouth hung open in shock. It is what Remus has been thinking all summer, but now hearing it from Lyalls mouth makes him angry, really fucking angry.
“And whose fault is that?” Remus dared to ask. “Whose fault is it that their four year old son was turned into a werewolf? Who pissed off a crazy fucking warewolf and then didn’t protect his family from the repercussions? If I am going to be treated like that then-” Remus was cut off with a hard slap to his face that caused him to falter, almost falling over. He throws his hands up to his face looking up at his Father with shocked eyes. Lyall raises his hand again. Remus holds his breath, staring into his Fathers eyes.
“Fucking hell!” His Father yells, dropping his hand and throwing the beer in his other hand hard against the wall behind Remus’ head. “Clean that mess up.” He says and then walks out the front door. Remus stands there staring at the door in shock. He isn’t sure how long he stands there before he gets his senses back. His Father just hit him. His Father actually just hit him. He didn’t know what to think. How could he do that? It had never come to that before? Sure, recently Remus had been thinking his Father might want to do it, but never did he ever think his Father was actually capable of doing it. Before his Mum died, he would’ve never done it. No matter what Remus could say or do he would never have raised a hand to him.
Remus wanted to leave. He wanted to walk away and never come back. He wanted, he wanted to have a different life. One where his Father didn’t drink and his Mother never died. One where his Father never upset Greyback and Remus never got bitten. He wanted to be someone else. Someone like James who was so sure of themself and who knew they were loved. Someone like Lily who could battle any problem without blinking their eye. He just didn’t want to be himself anymore. He didn’t want to be the person who did what his Father said. He hates himself as he starts to walk towards the broken bottle. He feels a piece of him break when he bends down to pick up the pieces. Why is he cleaning up after Lyall after what just happened? Why is he listening to him? He can’t stop himself though.
When he is done cleaning up the bottle, he moves on to the dirty dishes and he feels the worst he ever has felt. It is worse than when he woke up to find out what Sirius had done. He’s not sure how, but it is. This feels like a deep part of himself is broken. It feels like a part of who he is morally has just vanished and he will never be able to get it back. He hates himself. More than he did after it all happened last term. For some reason this is worse, he thinks as he climbs the stairs after everything is cleaned up.
He walks into his room and he just feels raw. It feels like every emotion he has ever had is written on his skin. He can't breathe very well and his face is wet from tears he didn’t even know he was shedding. The only thought he really thinks clearly is that he wants a cigarette badly. He doesn’t even fully make it to his bed, he sits at his desk chair crying like a child. Wishing he could be anywhere else but here. Hoping against all odds his Mum can’t see him now. He would hate her to see how he has turned out. He falls asleep like that. In his wooden desk chair, head fallen on the desk. Dried tears on his face and a reddish bruise in the form of a hand appearing on his cheek.
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
Notes:
Just more feelings like always. It truly is a worse before it gets better type of fic!
I kinda love the format of this chapter, let me know if you do too!!
Chapter Text
Wotcha Remus,
How's your summer been? I hope the full moon wasn’t too bad for ya. My summer has been nice. We just got back from a trip to France to visit my Aunt Marg. She's a crazy old bat but the south of France was cool. I missed all of you lot when I was gone though. Glad to be home, to be honest.
James said you haven’t answered an owl all summer. Not from anybody. If it is because of what Sirius did, know I still haven't forgiven him. I don’t think James has either. I really hope it is because of that though. I hope nothing else has happened that is causing you not to respond. On second thought, I hope you are getting these letters at all.
Anyways, I hope you have had a good summer even after all the shite that went down at the end of term. I’ll see you on the train at least, yeah?
Sincerely,
Pete
***
Dear Remus Lupin,
You're kinda scaring me, mate. Not one letter yet this whole summer, not even to Lily! I’m getting kinda worried the moon was a really bad one.
Summer has been pretty boring. Pete just got back from France, so it will probably start to get a little better. Marls left about half a week ago to go see the girls. So it has just been me for a little while (and Sirius but we haven’t been talking much). I owled Lily though, and she got back to me!!!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah, the owl was about you but still a win is a win, yeah! You were always the way to Lily Evans' heart weren’t you? I should’ve known! I know nothing has happened between you and nothing will or whatever, but the two of you are something else.
Well, I do really hope you're okay. We miss you. I miss you.
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
Hiya Remus
Hope your summers treated you alright! I’ve had a pretty good one myself, but honestly anything beats studying for OWLS or worrying about them. I’ve been at Lilys for four days now and she cannot stop worrying about you. I told her you would owl us when you're ready and that you need space because honestly Remus it was pathetic how obvious it was last term that you needed space from all of us. I am still not sure what happened, but I told Lily when you were ready you would owl us first.
But Remus, Lily could really use an owl from you. She kinda has a lot going on right now with her sister and now she is going crazy worrying about you. Even just a two word letter saying shut it will calm her nerves.
Get back to me (or preferably Lily!)
Marls
***
Remus!
My god! It’s like you want me to lose all my hair worrying. I really hope something serious didn’t happen and you're hurt or sick or anything. BUT if you aren't hurt or sick or dying or whatever I am going to kill you for this worry. It's been a month, a MONTH, since school ended and not one letter to a single person. We have been giving you space cause it was obvious at the end of term something happened and you needed it. But Remus, enough is enough, okay? We are worried. I am extremely worried. Last summer we owled almost every day and now this? If I knew better (or even knew where you lived) I would come knocking at your door.
So please if not for anything else but my own sanity just write back to someone with a simple I am alive or something.
I still love you even when I want to kill you,
Lily
***
Dear Remus Lupin,
Okay enough is enough. I was trying to be a good friend and give you space and all that. But I am really worried. I am like thinking the moon was really really bad or maybe even something worse. I am hoping you're just still really upset, but honestly mate this is not the way to do it! Get back to someone, please.
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
My Remus
Why are you making everyone worry so much, huh? Lily is a mess, however, her and James have been owling a lot back and forth. Maybe this is your big elaborate plan to get them together finally. If it is, I promise I won't tell. My lips are always sealed for your secrets xxx.
To be honest though, I am with Marls. You will owl us when you're ready. I just hope you're ready is soon because I miss you lots!
Kisses,
Mary
***
Remus!
Remus, love, I am so worried. And I know, I know it is selfish and this is your healing time or whatever. But my god, what if something really awful happened and we are all just sitting at home going on with our summers. I couldn’t live with myself. (if nothing awful happened and your just ignoring me all summer I will be upset mister)
Well please get back to me, yeah? Please.
With all my love,
Lily
***
Wotcha Remus,
The next moon is tomorrow, well I’m sure you know that, but well I guess this is me just saying good luck! I hope it's not a really bad one.
Get back to me soon!
Sincerely,
Pete
***
Dear Remus Lupin,
I was up all night last night. I couldn’t sleep. Thinking of you suffering the moon when I didn’t even know if you were okay to begin with. I hope the moon was good to you. We are worried, but I guess I kinda understand. You need space, I’m just not sure I can do it unless I know for sure that's what you need.
One letter just telling me to bugger off and that you need space is enough to get us all off your back for the rest of summer. Without that it feels like I’m giving up on you, and you have to know I would never do that.
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
Dear Remus Lupin,
This is me letting you know I didn’t forget or give up on you. Please get back if you can. I love and miss you.
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
Hey Remus,
I hope you are okay. I’m starting to think you really aren’t
With all my love,
Lily
***
Remus J. Lupin,
I know you really don’t want to hear from me right now and I won't waste your time with apologies (I am truly sorry) but everyone is so worried. Including myself. I hope you are okay.
I miss you We all miss you
From,
Sirius
***
Dear Remus Lupin,
Are you doing okay? I hope you are! Well, this is me checking in again. I won’t ever give up on you!
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
Remus!
For god sake! Just answer someone okay we are all worried. The two of us know you just need space, but now we think something truly awful might’ve happened because there is just no way you read everyone's letters and just said to yourself, yes let me make them suffer thinking I’m dead or dying.
Get back to us, kisses
Marls + Mary
***
Remus was grateful. The July moon was nowhere close to as bad as the June moon had been. After only two days he was back to going into town. Leaving his house and Lyall behind.
After his bandages came off after the last moon, Remus had gone into town and met Aled, Rhys, and Gwen. They had thought his scar was cool and he had loved that they would hand over their packs of cigarettes without question.
Soon, Remus was spending all day with them. Smoking by the lake and playing stupid games. He liked watching how they interacted with each other. Aled and Gwen reminded him so much of James and Lily. Aled was an athletic lad who had a heart of gold. He was so in love with Gwen it almost hurt to watch. Gwen was tall, unlike Lily, but she was just as headstrong and oblivious. She had no idea that Aled liked her. Everytime Aled would make some sort of move or flirt in any type of way, she would just laugh it off saying he did that to everyone. Rhys and Remus would look at each other and laugh.
One day, about a week before the July full moon, Rhys showed up to their spot with more than just cigarettes. He had a bag of pot and wouldn’t tell the rest of them where he got it.
“Do you want it or not?” He said, and that shut the rest of them up. The next week was spent in a high bliss. Remus had never tried the muggle drug before. Sure it was at Hogwarts, but his friends never really tried it, sticking mostly to alcohol.
These new friends and the muggle drug was just what he needed. Everytime he showed up with a new bruise on his face the other never said a word. And when he was gone for the moon for a full 3 days, when he returned they asked him where he had been. He just shrugged and said he was sick. The three of them nodded and then passed him the spliff.
Nights with Lyall were the same old same old. The only difference is, he wasn’t afraid to use his fists anymore. So, all the argumentative nights usually turned into a new bruise on his face. He stopped caring that much. The weed helped. It dulled the pain of it all.
He got letter after letter. He opened some. Threw some straight into the drawer. He wouldn’t change his mind, no matter how much he wanted to. He didn’t want to hurt his friends. That is the reason he was doing it in the first place. It didn’t hurt as much anymore though. After the first night Lyall hit him, something in him changed. He really truly just doesn’t care anymore. He’s not sure if it is better or worse. He honestly cannot tell.
Chapter 6: Chapter 6
Notes:
Okay so Remus makes a discovery, hits a breaking point, and makes a tough decision
as always TW for child abuse :( and drug use :)
I really like this one but slightly worried about what y'all think. I would love to hear your thoughts!
Chapter Text
Like everyday for almost four weeks now, Remus makes his way to their spot by the lake. Sure enough Rhys, Gwen, and Aled are already there passing a spliff around. “Hiya, Remus!” Gwen shouts to him as he makes his way over. He gives her a friendly wave and nods to the others. When he sits down next to them, they immediately pass him the spliff. He takes a nice long drag and passes it back. Already, feeling himself relax he lies back on the rocks. “Remus, now that you're here, I can get your opinion. These boys are so annoying.” Remus looks over nodding his head to continue, when reaching for the spliff. “You know my friend Beca, yeah? Well, she comes back on the first of September. Oh wait, when do you leave? I really do hope you get to meet her. Well anyways, she comes home on the first and I want to get her a nice gift. She is always bringing me back stuff from her trips and I feel bad. I never go anywhere cool, so I can never get her a gift! So whatcha think?” She looks at him expecting.
“How about some weed?” Remus says it as a joke, but her face lights up.
“Oh my lord, Remus, you are brilliant! That's perfect!” She looks over to Rhys, “Where do you get it?” She is smiling so big. He can’t believe he gave her a good idea.
“No, no way I’m not telling you,” Rhys responds. “You know I promised them.”
“Okay fine then. Could you get me some I can gift to her then?” She looks at him pleading.
“Common Rhys, I’m sure you could,” Aled says and Remus almost laughs out loud. Of course Aled jumps in right here. Only to defend his girl! It's a good laugh really.
Rhys pretends to mull it over, but Remus knows he is going to say yes. “Well yeah, I don’t really see why not.”
Gwen burst out in a huge grin. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! She’ll love it, I know she will!”
Remus gets passed the spliff again, taking another long drag he starts to wonder what they would think if they knew about him. They think he goes to a boarding school up North paid for by an Aunt's will. They think he is normal, with a normal group of friends, and a normal family. Well the family part he’s not sure. They have never asked, but he sees the way Gwen looks at him sadly everyday he shows up with a new bruise. Or how Rhys offers him a place to crash almost every night if Remus wants. He always declines, knowing it will only be worse if he doesn’t show his face. He wonders what they would think of him if they knew he was magic. Would they even believe him if he said so? What if he said he was a werewolf? That's when it hit him. He’s never really said it before. Never told anyone what he was. The boys just kinda figured it out one day and confronted him.
He looks over to the three of them who are laughing, he probably missed some sort of joke. “Hey guys,” he waits till all of them are looking at him. “I’m a werewolf.” He bursts out laughing, he is not really sure why. Aled starts to laugh, too. But, Gwen looks kinda concerned.
“Remus, darling, how high are you?” She stands up and walks over to him. “Give me the spliff.” He can't stop laughing; he just hands it over and holds onto his stomach. It’s perfect, you see, they don’t even know they are real so they will never really know and Remus gets to let the weight off his shoulders. “Remus please stop laughing, you are kinda scaring me.”
“Sorry, sorry, it's just that I’m a werewolf.” Both Aled and Rhys are laughing now and Gwen looks at him in the eyes for a long moment before she cracks a smile too.
“Yeah, okay. I get it Remus Lupin. Mr. Wolf Wolf.” She laughs too and everything goes back to normal for a little while.
Aled tires and fails to flirt all day, like always. Gwen never even realizes it. Rhys and himself just sit there watching and enjoying the show, sending each other knowing looks.
At some point around five, a good 3ish hours earlier than usual, Gwen stands up to leave. “My Mum wanted me home early tonight. Something about dinner with the whole family and talking about school next term. Please kill me.”
“I’ll walk you back.” Aled says it and stands so fast he almost knocks himself over.
“It's okay, really. I don't need door to door service.” Aled just shakes his head and heads out to leave in front of her.
“Well, I’m walking towards your house, you can come with me or awkwardly walk behind me.” She just laughs and walks in stride with him into the woods. Remus laughs (out louds this time) and so does Rhys.
“God, which do you think happens first? He stops trying or she figures it out.”
“You have to be kidding, he is like in love with her in love. He is not stopping anytime soon. You know he stops by her house every morning and walks her here too. It’s crazy.” Remus takes a minute to consider this. It honestly just reminds him more of James.
“I think that's kinda sweet though. He really does care, doesn't he.” They are closer now, face to face.
“Yeah, he really does, I think.” They are staring into each other's eyes now and Remus feels kinda wonky. He doesn’t have a good way to describe it. It is kinda like the feeling he gets when he’s been alone with Sirius for a really long time. God, he does not want to think about Sirius right now.
“Do you have a cigarette I can bum.” And all of the sudden the feeling is gone and Rhys and backing away quickly, looking almost flustered.
“Ah, yeah, uh, one second I’ve got one here somewhere.” He is struggling with the pockets of his pants before he pulls out his pack and a zippo and lights two.
They sit there in silence chain smoking till it starts to get dark. Remus wonders what really happened right there. His mind wanders to him and Sirius. How it felt to be alone with him. How he would feel like a single touch would make his heart explode and his skin tingle. With a shake of his head he banishes any thoughts of Sirius.
After a while Remus turns and asks, “what are you thinking about?” Honestly, so he doesn’t have to think for himself.
“You.” Remus is left stunned.
“What? What about me?” Rhys stares into his eyes for a long time. He looks down for a second towards Remus’ lips and Remus can’t help but do the same looking at his slightly pink thick lips. Before looking back up. Remus feels all weird again and he isn’t sure what to do.
Rhys starts to mumble, almost whispering, “thinking about what you would do if I just…” and Rhys starts to lean in, and with sudden clarity Remus releases what is about to happen. He isn’t sure why, but he can’t back away. He actually starts to lean in too.
Then their lips meet and it feels good. It really does feel good. Remus leans in farther and Rhys grabs the base of his neck. It feels really good and all Remus can think is that he’s kissing someone and it's a boy. Remus, a boy, is kissing another boy and he likes it. Well shit. Remus breaks away slowly. Looking into Rhys eyes. They both are smiling and Remus says, “I should probably head home, but I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”
Rhys just nods, backing away a little bit, “tomorrow.” With that Remus gets up to go.
***
On the long walk back to his house, Remus starts to freak out. He just kissed a boy and liked it. What does that even mean? Is he gay? He has kissed some girls and liked that too. So how can he be gay?
Oh shit.
Before they had kissed he had compared the feeling he was having to the feelings he had when he was with Sirius. Does that mean he feels the same about him? This is all too confusing. He’s never wanted to kiss Sirius before, has he? But, when he kissed those girls he had liked it. Does he even know what liking it feels like? He is just getting more and more confused. Shaking his head he puts it on the back burner as he walks up to the house. One thing at a time to worry about and right now it is going to be his Father.
When he walks in the door it is very obvious it is going to be an argumentative night and a bad one at that. Lyall is standing in the kitchen glass in hand staring at the front door. “Where do you think you’ve been all day?”
“In town.” It's a simple answer and truthful, but Lyalls eyes narrow angrily.
“You say you have been in town all summer, but you haven’t come back here with a single drop of change, so are you lying to me or hiding money from me?” Lyall starts to make his way over to where Remus is standing in the doorway.
“Neither, I go into town, but I don't have a job.”
“Don’t lie to me, Remus! You just expect me to believe that. Then what are you doing all day?” Lyall is now standing directly in front of Remus.
“There are some kids in town I hang around with.” That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Lyall looks murderous.
“Kids in town? Friends? Remus, are you crazy? How fucking dare you. Do you even care how hard I work to keep you under wraps? Do you even care?”
“Work hard? That's laughable, all you do everyday is sit here using the last of our money to get drunk and then yell at me when I get home. If Mums watching she would be disappointed in you.” She would be disappointed in me too, he thinks but he doesn’t dare to voice aloud.
“The only reason she would be watching instead of here with us is you. All the stress you caused that's what killed her, Remus, and you know it.” It felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. He could barely breathe and couldn’t think well enough to know what he was going to say next was a bad idea.
“You blame me for her death? It’s probably because it was your fault. You say she died of stress because of what I am. Well you are why I am what I am. It is your fault she’s dead then. I wish it was you and she would too. She would hate you for what you have been like. She does hate-” He was cut off by a hard closed fist punch to his cheek. It knocked him all the way on the ground where his Father kicked him in the guts not once not twice but three times for good measure and then peacefully walked to his room.
Remus lay on the floor wondering what his life has come to. Where it's normal for him to be in pain and bleeding from his own Father. He won’t even think twice in the morning when he wakes up sore. He doesn’t want this to be his life, but he doesn’t know what he can do about it. At least not until he is 17. He just feels tired in his life.
With a great amount of effort and pain he makes it up to his room, where there is an owl waiting for him.
Dear Remus Lupin,
I hope you are feeling okay. This is me just checking in again. I miss you and love you.
Would love to hear back if you can!
Best wishes,
James Potter
Remus knows this is his only way. This is the sign he needed. The only way he can turn around his life. He feels awful because on one hand his life will be worth living, but on the other he will just be making his friends' lives worse. It is true what his Father always said. But he wants to stop listening to Lyall. It is his life now.
With a shaking hand he gets out parchment and ink and writes to James.
Hey James
Sorry it took me so long to get back. It has been a weird summer. I hope you all weren’t worrying too much.
Well I’m not too sure what else to say, but yeah I’m feeling fine.
Remus
Chapter 7: Chapter 7
Notes:
I didn't think I would have this chapter finished this early, but I started writing and just could not stop. So please enjoy!
uhhh TW for after effects of lyall and drugs
Also i am going away for the next 3 days so I'm not sure if I will be able to publish anything else till I get back. I will try my hardest to get the next chapter published asap
Also also for some reason I really wanted to clarify the name of this fic, so it does come from the phoebe bridgers song Waiting Room and that's for a few reasons and the only one i'm going to say right now because I don't want to spoil anything is because remus is always saying to himself "its for the better" or "its for the best" and if you have listened to the song than you know why I had that connection lol
Chapter Text
It's hard to get up the next morning. He is hurting a lot. He winces when he tries to sit up and is almost out of breath when he tries to get out of bed. He really hopes he didn’t crack a rib or anything.
In the bathroom, he sees himself in the mirror and he looks horrible. The whole left side of his face is black and blue and his lip looks painfully cracked with dried blood going down his chin. He doesn’t even remember blood. As he cleans up his face, he remembers what he sent to James. The new question of his life: was it a good idea? Probably not, he thinks. However, he can’t quite regret it. He missed his friends after all. And the only reason he had been hiding away was because that's what Lyall was always saying was the right thing to do for someone like him. He thought Sirius had finally figured it out too. But now he isn’t so sure he believes in his Father. He used to look up to him when he was a kid. It's hard to even remember the good times with his Father now.
Getting back to his room, he realizes that he just really wants to stay home today. This is by far the worst he will look since he made his new friends and he really does not want them to ask questions. But then he thinks about Rhys. If he doesn’t show up today, then Rhys might think he didn’t like what they did or was mad at him or something. Remus still doesn’t know what it means, what they did. But what he does know is that he wants it to happen again and he doesn’t want Rhys to feel bad about it.
So with a great amount of pain and effort he makes his way down to their spot. On the way down he tried to make up a lie about what happened to him. Nothing seems feasible. It is so obvious that it wasn’t an accident of some sort. He thought he could tell them he got jumped, but if that was true they would already know about it by now. Small towns talk after all. He decides that if they do ask he will just shrug it off. He doesn’t think they will push. After all, they have never even asked before.
He is the last one to their spot, like usual. He is pretty late today though. Almost a full hour later than he usually comes. Gwen looks up, raising her hand to wave, but stops halfway up. Her face is frozen in shock. Well, he guesses he really does look that bad. He just pretends like nothing is happening and waves like he would any other day. He sits down next to them and the silence is palpable. He’s not sure how to break it. They sometimes sit in silence, but it is always a comfortable one. This feels like a knife could slice through the tension.
“Anyone have a cigarette?” Is how he ends up breaking the silence. He had been avoiding looking any of them in the eye, but as Rhys passes him his pack he does. He is looking at Remus with pity. If there is one thing Remus hates it would be pity. He quickly looks away mumbling a thanks as he takes the pack.
“Remus,” surprisingly it’s Aled who speaks up. “what happened?” Remus of course just shrugs.
“But, Remus darling, this isn’t right. I mean I can't stand to watch this keep happening. I-”
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Enough. Is there some weed or something?” Gwen looks on the verge of tears, but Aled puts his hand over hers as Rhys passes him a spliff.
Everything goes back to a sort of normal for the rest of the day. Everything still has a sort of awkward undertone, but thankfully everyone is ignoring it. It’s the same old same old other than the fact that Rhys is trying to catch his eye the whole day. One moment late in the day when Gwen and Aler were giggling to each other Rhys leaned over and whispered in Remus’ ear, “Stay back here with me for a little bit tonight, after they leave. I promise I won’t ask about it.” Remus turns to look at him, staring in his eyes longer than probably necessary glancing down at his lips as well. Then he nods and turns away.
As the day comes to a close and the sun is almost set Gwen stands to leave. Aled following quickly behind.
“You two coming?” He questioned.
“I think I’m going to finish this.” Rhys responses, holding up his unfinished cigarette. Aled just nods and turns to leave.
Gwen runs over to Remus before she leaves and gives him a hug. He has to fight not to wince. He does not want her to know about his ribs. “Be careful, yeah?” She looks truly sad and he just nods. She walks off with Aled.
“So, you wanted to keep me here?” Remus’ teases and Rhys, never the one for words, just leans in and presses a light kiss on his lips.
“Is this okay? I wasn’t sure yesterday, but you kissed me back and all. I wasn’t even positive you were like me.” He looked almost nervous.
“Yeah, it is okay. I liked it. Do the others know? About you I mean.” He was worried about asking but he needed to know. In the wizard img world he hadn’t even heard of a single gay person. He wanted to know if it was the same in the muggle world.
“Oh, no. I mean you know how it is for people like us. You have to be so sure about someone to not get in trouble. Aled and Gwen are good people, but still I can never be too certain.” So, it wasn’t okay in the muggle world either.
“I, uh, I don’t really know, you know. I, uh, didn’t really like know. Till yesterday I mean.”
“Wait, you didn’t know you swung? At all? Holy shit. Was I your first kiss?” Rhys looked stunned, but he was also laughing.
“No, I have kissed a few girls. No guys though. Not till now.”
“Wait so you kissed girls and still didn’t even think you swung. After my first kiss I started thinking I could be you know. I just hated it so much.” Remus did not want to talk about this. It was confusing because he had thought he liked it. So instead he just leaned in and kissed him.
They sat like that, kissing and breathing each other in until Remus broke apart saying he had to get home.
“I know we said we wouldn’t talk about it, but if you ever need anywhere to stay I have a very welcoming Mum and a comfortable couch.” Remus avoided his eyes and just nodded. Rhys leaned down for one more kiss before he walked off towards his house.
***
On the way back to his house he avoided thinking about the kissing boys thing and kissing girls thing. He liked kissing Rhys and that’s all he needed to know. Anyways, he could only handle one major life crisis at a time and right now he already had two. So he was just going to avoid thinking about it all together, it is a perfectly healthy thing to do.
As he walks into his house he is relieved to see Lyall passed out on the couch. He makes himself dinner and purposely makes sure it is only enough for one. He brings it up to his room to eat and of course there is an owl waiting for him by the window.
Dear Remus Lupin
REMUS! Oh my, thank god you responded. We were starting to really worry. I’m glad you are feeling fine though. What do you mean by a weird summer? My summers been alright. I’ve been talking to Lily quite a bit more, nothing really personal but still growth is growth.
So what have you been up to? How have the moons been? Have you gotten your summer work done yet? That Bins essay was a real pain in my arse.
I would love to hear from you again!
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
Dear mum (james)
Wow lots of questions from you I see. I haven't been up too much. Just hanging with some muggle friends from town. The moons have been okay. And yeah I finished all the work and you're right the Bins essay was bad, but just wait till you see the potions one.
What have you been up to all summer?
Remus
***
Dear Remus Lupin
I haven't been up to all that much. I’ve hung out with Peter a lot. I’ve been flying a lot. Before Marls left to go see the girls we hung out almost everyday.
What do you mean the moons have been okay? Have you gotten hurt badly at all? Where have you been all summer, Remus? We were so worried.
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
Dear Remus Lupin
I’m sorry if I pushed too much. You don’t have to answer my questions.
Hope you're okay!
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
***
Dear James
My god I it's only been three days. But sorry. I don't want to ignore you. I just don't really want to talk about my summer all that much. Nothing bad happened, don't worry. I just really haven’t been doing anything. So not much to say on my end.
Sorry again.
Remus
***
Days with Rhys have been amazing. Remus has stopped wondering what it all means and just lets himself enjoy it. He is also pretty sure Gwen and Aled have gotten together. They always show up in the morning, but have some reason to leave together before 5 o’clock. Remus and Rhys don’t mind that much.
Nights with Lyall have only been getting worse, though. On the bad nights, reading and replying to James makes him feel a lot better. On the really bad nights though, when he feels raw and tired and he hates himself, even seeing an owl from James hurts too much. It's those nights that he wishes he was somewhere else or even someone else.
Finally after another awful night, when he feels like he ever wants to look at himself in the mirror again, one of James' owls will not stop pecking at the window. Remus had enough and let it in. But then he came to some sort of a realization and without even opening up James’ letter he wrote one of his own.
Dear James
Hey I was just wondering if I could spend some time at your house? Maybe the week before the moon? I know it is kinda short notice. It's fine if you are busy. It was just a thought.
Get back to me.
Remus
He sends it off with the owl before he can back down. He wants to be out of this house. He wants to be anywhere else. Maybe this is the way to do it. He doubts his Father will even notice really. He will tell him he’s spending a few nights at a muggle's friend's house and just leave before he can do much of anything.
For the first time in a while, Remus goes to bed with a heart filled with hope.
Chapter 8: Chapter 8
Notes:
I'm backkkk!!!! Anyways I am sadly going away again, this time for vacation, for a full week leaving in two days. I will try to get another chapter posted before I leave, but I can't make any promises.
I think you guys are really going to like this one. We get to see more of Remus and James' friendship!
Chapter Text
Remus wakes up to an owl tapping at his window. Remus can't even find it in himself to doubt what he did. He finally has something to look forward to. Something to live for. Quickly he lets the owl in and rips open the letter.
Dear Remus Lupin
Of course you can come over, you are always welcome. I talked to Mum and Dad early this morning and they said it was alright with them! I cannot wait to see you! But is something wrong
I told Sirius you were coming and he promised he won't bother you so don't worry about that? Does coming Tuesday by floo work for you? That gives you two days to get ready then 7 days at mine before the full!
Cant wait to see you!
Best wishes,
James Fleamont Potter
Okay, so Remus was set to go. He was going to get out of this house. If only for a few days, it was still something. Now he just needed to figure out a way to tell his Father he would be gone. He very quickly decided that it would be best if he waited until tomorrow night to tell him, if he wasn't in a bad mood. If he was in a bad mood he would wait until right before he left. He would tell him he was spending some time at a muggles friend's house in town and would be back before the moon. Then he would simply just leave, whether or not his Father said it was okay.
He was excited and it was a weird feeling. It had been so long since he truly looked forward to anything. Yeah, he liked hanging with his muggle friends in town, but he always knew he would have to come home at the end of the night. He can hardly remember not feeling some sort of dred. It’s kinda weird to think he used to be happy to be home. Now home is the last place he wants to be. So this is a full seven days of freedom. Or at least a full seven days without having to wonder about his Fathers mood for that night.
One thing he did have to think of is Sirius. He knows James said he will leave Remus alone, but it was more than that. Does Remus want to forgive him at all? He knows, no matter how mad James is at Sirius it won't last forever. James does not have it in him to be mad at Sirius that long. Not when it's obvious Sirius feels bad about what he did. He doesn’t want to break up the Marauders, not anymore. He is just so angry. How could he do such a thing? It just hurts. The way Sirius made him doubt everything about himself. Doubt if he was a good person. How can he forgive him? The answer really should be he can’t, but Remus wants to. He wants to sit with Sirius all night talking about music, he wants to play pranks together and watch Sirius take the blame when it was all his idea, he just wants everything to be like how it was. He doesn’t know if it can ever get back to the way it was. Remus guesses if he can’t forgive him, he will always have the girls. Sirius can have James and Pete and Remus will have the girls. Of course James and Pete would still talk to him. But it would never be the same again. He wants to try.
Shaking his head to rid the thoughts, Remus gets ready for the day. He is going to have to tell them he is leaving, so they don’t worry too much. He has been getting more and more concerned looks from them with each day. He can understand why to some extent. He’s been getting more… withdrawn. But not today. He is excited about life today.
***
They have been sitting by the lake for sometime now. All four of them are happy, content passing a spliff around. Gwen looked just ecstatic when Remus showed up smiling and talking like he did in the first few weeks of summer. Rhys whispered in his ear at some point in the day that he looked happy. Remus couldn't contain his grin.
“I, uh, wanted to tell you guys something real quick,” Remus said before any of them could leave for the night. “I’m going to visit some of my school friends. Very last minute I know but I leave on Tuesday, won't be back for like 10 days.” He decided to elongate the visit for accounts of the moon.
“Tuesday, mate, that's like tomorrow! Last minute for sure.” Aled was laughing and surprisingly they all looked pretty happy. Remus felt odd, almost hurt. Had they not liked hanging out with him? He never got that feeling, not once, but this reaction felt like they had to be.
Soon, Gwen and Aled left together saying something about having to do chores. Remus was still in his head. How had he not realized? Rhys came over to him and put his hand on Remus' leg. “Penny for your thoughts?”
“Do you guys, like, enjoy hanging out with me?” Remus blurted out, he isn’t sure why he asked.
“What of course we do! Trust me if we didn’t like it you wouldn’t be hanging with us.” That confused Remus even more.
“Then why did you all look so excited that I was leaving?” Why could he not just shut up? This isn’t like him.
“Oh, Remus.” Rhys looked like he was considering what to say, and Remus just sat there watching, waiting. “Look, we love hanging with you. We really do, but we care about you. It’s obvious being here is not good for you. I know you don’t like talking about it, but we have eyes, yeah. We know your Father isn’t like the best or whatever. So you being gone for a while, it means we don’t have to worry if one day you just wont show up.” Remus was stunned. He knew they knew to some extent, but that was a lot. Almost too much for him to handle. He never wanted more people to worry about him.
“It's not like that.” He said in a small voice and Rhys just shook his head.
“Okay, Remus.” And the rest of the day went like it always did.
***
Remus was all packed and ready to go. The last thing he needed to do is tell Lyall he was leaving. He wanted to last night, but when he got home he was passed out on the couch. Knowing better than to wake him, he planned on telling him this morning.
When he walked downstairs Lyall was sitting at the table with the Daily Profit open and a glass sitting in front of him. Before he could back down, Remus went to stand on the other side of the table directly in front of him. “Dad, I have something to tell you.” He waited until Lyall looked up before continuing, “I’m going to spend a few days with one of my muggle friends in town. I’ll be back before the moon.” Lyall, surprisingly, just nodded his head.
“Yeah, okay. See you before the moon then.” Remus was stunned. Actually frozen in place for a second. He thought this was going to be a huge fight. Before Lyall could change his mind though Remus grabbed his bags and walked out the door.
Going around to the back of his small house. He opened up the window to Lyalls study, dropped his bag first and quickly followed. There he was able to floo to the Potters.
Stepping into their sitting room, Remus spots Mrs. Potter.
“Oh hello, Remus! I just sent James into the kitchen to get some tea, he will be back in no time.” She stands walking over to him and wraps him in a warm hug. It made him miss his own Mum. Mrs. Potter hugged like she used to. “How was your summer, dear?” She asks when pulling out of the hug to get a good look at him.
“Well it was-”
“Moony! Oh, I’m so glad you're here!” James comes running over throwing his arms around him, almost knocking him over with the weight of the hug.
“Now James, interrupting is rude,” Mrs Potter says with a wide smile. “Remus here was just going to tell me how his summer was.”
“It has been pretty good, Mrs. Potter. I have some muggle friends in town, so I have been hanging around with them for most of it.”
“None of this Mrs. Potter stuff, you have been here enough times to know to call me Effie, dear. But how nice. Muggle friends, what a unique experience you get. I never really had any close muggle friends. Now I heard about what happened in your Fathers Minersty Branch, I do just feel so horrible. Has he landed on his feet well?” James looked very confused during the last part of her speech, honestly Remus is too, a little. How much does Mrs. Potter, Effie, really know?
“Yeah, he has been fine. Took him about a week to get back on track, though.” Effie looked to consider this a bit.
“Well yes that does make sense, a very fast transition though. Oh my dear, what happened to your face?”
Remus had forgotten all about the bruises. He avoided looking in the mirror as much as possible. “Oh, well, you know how it is with a group of boys. I got into it with one of them. Just play fighting and what not, but he got me real good. Left this obviously. But it wasn’t like my Dad could just fix it up or they would be confused how it disappeared so quickly.”
“Well,” she said, pulling out her wand. “You are here for a good few days, they won't even wonder why it's gone the next time they see you.” She fixed it with just a simple wave of her wand. “Now, Sirius is still asleep. I swear all that boy does is sleep, but James why don’t you go get Remus settled upstairs, yeah?”
Remus follows James up the stairs and into one of their many guest bedrooms. “So this is yours for the week, but we can crash in my room if we want.” James started to scratch his head looking like he wanted to ask a question, but wasn’t sure if it was a good idea.
Remus couldn’t watch him struggle any longer. “James, if you want to say something, just go ahead. I’m not going to like to turn into a wolf or something.”
“Well obviously. So, uh, what was my Mum talking about when she mentioned that thing about your Dad?” Remus turned to fiddle with his bag, thinking of an answer, he didn’t really know. “It’s fine, pretend like I didn’t ask. I shouldn’t have anyway.”
“No, James, it's fine. I’m not made out of glass. You don’t have to tiptoe around me. He got fired or let go or something from his job. I guess your Mum knew about it.”
“Oh, sorry about that, mate. But, also, it does kinda feel like I got to tiptoe around you. One wrong word and I feel like you are gonna disappear for another two months.” James had his ‘serious talk’ face on right now and it reminded Remus a lot like Effie’s serious face.
“I’m sorry about that, James. Really. I am.”
James just shook his head, “It shouldn’t be me who you apologies to really. It should be Lily. She has been a mess. I did tell her you were coming here and that we had talked a little. Made her feel a lot better. She thought you could’ve died or something.” Remus looks down, ashamed. “Did you read all our letters?”
“No. I couldn’t get myself to.” James looks crestfallen and takes a deep breath.
“Is it because of what Sirius did?”
“I don’t know,” Remus replied honestly. “I mean in some ways yes of course it was, but in some ways it was more of me just having a realization, a wrong one at that, it stemmed from what he did, but it wasn't because of him.”
James looked confused asking, “a realization that what? You don't deserve friends?” It looked like James meant that as a joke, but Remus nodded. “Oh. Oh, Remus, no. That's not… it's not true you know that, right?”
“I do now, but the whole start of the summer I needed a bit of a break I think.” James just looked heartbroken.
“Please write to Lily, she needs to hear from you, yeah?” Remus nods. “Okay I’ll leave you to get unpacked and to write to Lily.”
***
Hey Lily
So, I guess you have heard I’m with the Potters right now. I’m really sorry for not writing to you till now. It has been a weird summer. I’m okay and I hope you are too.
How has your summer been? If you havent started the potion work (which I doubt) get on it. It is so bloody hard! I am sure you will have a breeze with it though. You and your potions skills could never be me. I really really am sorry for not getting back till now. I’m sorry if I worried you.
Remus
Chapter 9: Chapter 9
Notes:
Okay, it has been a while I know. I'm so sorry!!! I have been so busy with AP summer work, the common app, writing my college essay, pre season for my fall sport etc. (yes, I am american sorry if my slang is bad I try my best) I also came up with a bunch of ideas for new fics! Anyways I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long.
Please let me know what you think of this chapter! The story is coming to an end... soon... maybe? (i think tops 3 more chapters but who knows)
Chapter Text
Remus!
Oh I’m so glad to hear from you! Of course I was worried for godric's sake. My summer has been fine other than the fact I was losing my hair worrying about you. How are you? (if you say fine or okay i will curse you) What do you mean your summer has been weird? I really hope you are okay. I've been so worried, oh god please tell me nothing awful happened (and if something awful did happen and you lie to me I will be mad too please let me help you if you need it. God knows you have helped me)
I think I might come to James’ to visit. I've been invited enough times to know I will be welcomed. If you really don’t want me to, I won't, but I would really like to see you.
With love,
Lily x
Remus crumpled up the letter. He felt awful for worrying her. It wasn’t his intention, well it wasn’t his main intention. He wrote a short note back telling her he would love to see her, and he sent it right away. He no longer wanted to keep her at arms length. She deserved better. He did too. It was something he started to think about after his conversation with Effie and his conversation with James. They both knew what he was. They still tolerated him, even more than that they seemed to love him. Thinking back, the only person who didn’t still like him after he turned was his own Father. Sure Snape hated him and hated who he was, but Snape hated him before he knew.
For the first time in his life, Remus began to question his Father and his intentions. He had always thought his Father was right. He was a monster, he could only hurt people, and he was the reason their lives were so tough. The reason his Mum was dead. He wasn’t too sure anymore. His Father had always said friends were a bad idea, and in the back of his mind he always believed him. He always waited for the shoe to drop. For his friends to turn their backs on him. After what happened with Sirius, he thought that was when the shoe dropped. When they finally decided he wasn’t worth the trouble. But instead, they united behind him. They never, not once, took Sirius’ side. They thought he was wrong and they thought Remus deserved better.
He wasn’t 100% convinced yet. He had one thing he wanted to see to make up his mind about his Father and his life. He was going to tell Lily what he was. He didn’t want to sound dramatic, but whatever her reaction is will dictate the rest of his life. She is good people. Her opinion on him, after she knows the full truth, will confirm to Remus the truth.
He isn’t sure which answer he wants. On one hand Lily thinking he was awful for what he is would mean him losing all of his friends and having to spend the last two years of school (and probably his whole life) alone. But if she accepts him and doesn’t see a problem with it, then Remus’ whole entire life has been some sort of sick lie. Everything his Father has ever said, every action he ever did to Remus, wasn’t truly for the best. He did it because he hated Remus and what he was. He did it because he was a bad person and Remus wasn’t enough for him. His whole world would be flipped upside down.
He shook his head and decided he should go downstairs for breakfast. As he walked into the kitchen he realized he had forgotten about Sirius. He still didn’t know what to do about the entire incident. For now, he decided to be cordial for the Potters sake, but he will not go back to how it was. Not yet.
“Good morning, Remus dear.” Effie said standing on the far side of the kitchen island. “I’ve made some eggs and we also have cereal if that doesn’t tickle your fancy.”
“Eggs are fine,” Remus said smiling, begrudgingly taking the seat next to Sirius. James was on the end and it would look odd if Remus sat by himself at the end. When he sat down Sirius's head snapped over to look at him. He looked into Sirius’ confused eyes and shook his head.
It was a quiet breakfast. Effie filled in the silence here and there, but Remus had no doubt in his mind that she knew something was up.
***
Peter came over in the afternoon and the four boys were outside all day. James, Sirius, and Peter went back and forth between flying and swimming in the Potters pool. Remus stayed off to the side reading and sometimes offering a quick remark. He stayed close enough as to not cause any suspension, but far enough away that it would be awkward to start a real conversation. They looked happy. Remus could tell that James and Peter didn’t fully forgive Sirius, but he could also tell they were at least halfway there. He didn’t blame them.
At one point in the afternoon an owl came, not for Remus but for James. James opened it pretty confused, muttering something about the only people who send him post being here. But soon his face lit up into a wide grin. “It's from Lily!” He yelled, “Merlin, she's coming here to visit.” James quickly started to walk over to Remus and pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you, Moons. She says she's coming for you, but Merlin she's gonna be here!” He ran inside to tell his Mum and Sirius and Peter were snickering by the pool. Remus left some sort of giddiness he hadn’t felt for a while. And for the first time since the incident, Remus didn’t flinch at the nickname.
A little while later, while the three of them were flying Remus yelled up to them telling them he was going inside to use the loo. In reality he needed a breather. He feels so stupid for not being able to keep it together for longer than a few hours, but being here is tough. He is walking the line between being cautious with each of the marauders, not wanting to get too close, and wanting to be friends with them as before. Honestly, it is tiring. Inside the house, Remus makes a beeline to the loo. He splashes water on his face and takes 5 deep breaths before looking at himself in the mirror. He has already made up his mind about almost everything, but it's still hard. He is nervous about what Lily is going to say. He won’t be ready either way. He thinks back to what James was like the night before, kind and forgiving. There is a knock at the bathroom door. “One sec,” he calls before wiping his face and opening the door. It's Sirius. Remus goes to push past him, but Sirius grabs his wrist.
“I’m sorry,” he says in a small voice. “I know that's not what you want to hear and that you have heard it from me before, but it's true. I am so sorry. For everything I did. I have no excuse, really, none. I shouldn’t have done it. But Moony-”
“Don't call me that, you have no right.” He snaps
“But Remus,” he corrects. “You have to know it wasn’t because of what you are.”
“Then what was it because? Huh, Sirius? What was it because, then? Because I do want to know your reasoning behind it. I want to know why you would do that to me.” Remus was seething, he was seeing red. All the anger he had suppressed all summer came to the surface. All the arguments he had in his head were boiling to the top. But even with all of that his next words came out quiet, “Why would you do that to me, Sirius?”
Sirius looked ready to cry. In all his years knowing him, Remus had only seen Sirius cry three times, and he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing it now. Not without feeling sorry for him, and that is the last thing Remus wants to do. “I don’t have a real answer for you. It was impulsive and stupid and I would do anything to take it back. I will do anything to make it better. Please tell me what I can do. Tell me how I can fix this?”
Remus took a deep breath, his anger dissipating. “I don’t know Sirius. Just give me some time, please.”
“Okay,” Sirius mumbled. He looked Remus in his eye before asking, “Do I have a chance at all?” Remus knew what he was asking. Remus knew Sirius just wanted to know if there was any possibility of them getting through this.
“I think so. I-” God Remus didn’t want to say it, but he felt as if he owed it to Sirius for some reason. He felt he owed him the truth. After all that's happened, he will always feel he owes Sirius. “I want to forgive you. I’m just so mad. You hurt me Sirius. You made me doubt everything I know and I don't know how long it will take me to forgive that.” Sirius nodded and let go of Remus’ wrist. Without even a final glance Remus walked past him.
Chapter 10: Chapter 10
Notes:
Remus and his thoughts, James, more James, enter Lily (my love)
Merry Christmas (I say hiding behind a couch) please don't kill me. I am soooo sorry this has taken so long (well over a year). I did make a promise in the comments (and to myself) that this will never be abandoned and I did mean that. Thank you to everyone who was reading it as I was writing it and everyone who has read it since I stopped. I will continue to update it, I promise. Life just really got in my way this past year (I have tons to say if anyone really cares). I am home for the holidays for almost a month and can hopefully write a lot. While the next chapter is not written yet, I really wanted to get this one out for a christmas gift (for those who celebrate) and a thank you to everyone who has/are reading this fic.
anyways (wipes a tear) tw are minimal for this chapter: descriptions of an injury and lots of feelingsalso! my writing has really matured over this past year so I do plan to go back and edit all of my chapters and add in a few more details (nothing major at all), but I thought it wasn't right to do that until I have proved that this is not an abandoned fic. if you have any questions please ask (like please the comments are what keeps me writing ;))
Chapter Text
After his conversation with Sirius, he felt drained like a towel that has been rung out one to many times. He made his way up the stairs to the room that was his for the week and collapsed on the bed without even kicking off his shoes. Staring up at the perfectly white ceiling, he collected his thoughts.
Should he forgive Sirius?
This one thought bounced around and around his head, unable to be sorted into a box. However, the thought that interrupted the most was what Lily’s decision would be. He was worried for when she came here, to the Potters. Worried about telling her, about what her reaction would be. He tried to push the thoughts out, but they were like flies to a dead body. No matter how many times he batted them away, they came back with vigor.
Eventually he heard footsteps coming towards his room. Too loud to be Sirius’, but too quiet to be Peter’s. Within seconds of hearing it, James’ head popped through the opening door frame.
“Moony, mate, you coming back outside?” James said it with that sickly smile on his face that made Remus’ stomach lurch. He was always too nice to him.
“I’m not really sure.” This caused James to frown a little, open the door wider, and take a small step into the room. Remus mentally kicked himself, of course he said the wrong damn thing. “I’m okay Prongs, really. Just kinda tired, yeah.” The use of Prongs instead of James seemed to placate some of his worries, but he still took a confident step into the room and shut the door behind him.
“You don’t have to come out if you're tired or anything, but I… I sent Sirius inside to cook with my Mum.” It was so unlike James to stammer, that Remus almost didn’t hear what he said.
“Why?” Why would he send Sirius away?
James clasped his hands in front of himself before pulling them apart and forcefully putting them by his side. Remus could tell James was nervous which immediately put him on edge. James was never anything but self confident. “Well, when he came back outside I could tell he was in some sort of mood. Then when you never came out, I put two and two together. I asked and he said he talked with you which I had already told him not to corner you. I’m sorry Remus. I swear I won’t let him do it again, just please don’t go.” By the end of his speech James was speaking so fast it was almost hard to keep his words from getting jumbled.
“Wow, wow, wow, Prongs. Who said anything about leaving?” Remus said, tearing his gaze from James’ dark brown eyes.
James put on a small smile that definitely didn’t reach his eyes. “Well I just know you are still having some trouble with him and well I am still a bit worried about you. I just.. well.. I don't want him to influence your decision about the rest of us, yeah. I am not on his side, please don’t think that I would go off with him without you.” At this moment if Remus could kick his past self he would. Hard.
“James, please listen to me. I never really thought you would pick his side. I mean for a while I did think that this might influence how you thought of me, but not so much anymore. It's more about me, not him. What he did was wrong, it was so wrong, but I don’t really know, I just, well, I,” he had to pause to take a deep breath. He looked up at James, meeting his worried eyes for the first time since he opened his mouth, “my thoughts are jumbled, like a lot. I don’t really have much to tell you right now other than I don’t blame you for anything and I won’t run off. Not until at least Lily gets to see me.” He tried for a chuckle and missed the mark just a bit.
“Well good,” James said with another smile spreading across his face. This one more real than the last, but his eyes were still filled with worry “Because Lily is coming tomorrow and if you run off before then she is sure to kill me in your place.” Remus gave him a smile, a genuine one. “Well, come join us if you want Sirius won’t be there.” James nodded his head once and walked towards the door. It took until he was turning the knob before Remus could speak.
“James, wait.” He paused, the door cracked open, and turned his entire body to face Remus. Even took his hand off the door handle. “I…” am going to tell Lily it was on the tip of his tongue, but instead “thank you.” In that moment, Remus knew he made the right choice. James smiled a true genuine smile, nodded his head and walked out the door.
***
Remus never returned to the group. He fell asleep sometime shortly after James left, and slept all the way until the morning sun woke him up. It had been a while since he had slept that long, and that well to be completely honest. He tried not to feel guilty about never joining James and Pete, truly he did try, but it nagged at his gut. Just like the letters did, just like what he almost did to Severus, just like his Mum. He shoved it down, tried to file it into a box like he did for the rest. And it worked, to an extent of course.
Once he deemed it an acceptable time to go down for breakfast, Remus dragged himself out of bed and started to get himself ready. Today is the day, he thought bitterly. The day he will either decide to leave all of his friends or finally allow them to accept him, and it all, unfairly, rests on Lily Evans' shoulders.
He peeled off his sleep shirt absentmindedly thinking about what Lily might say. As he reached for a new one the door flew open.
“Moony! Moony! Lily should be here any-” James cut off his excited chatter the second he took in Remus’ form. Remus quickly picked up the first shirt he could see and pulled it on. “Remus, mate, what happened.” Remus knew the second James entered the room that he saw them. The bruises that littered his front. If Remus had turned, James would have seen the splotchy blue, yellow, and purple bruises that also littered his back.
He was embarrassed for James to see him like that. He quickly brought his hand up to the back of his neck and rubbed before busying himself around the room. “It's nothing.” He murmured, back towards James pretending to look for something in his bag.
“That wasn’t nothing, and many of those are too fresh to be from the last moon. And don’t lie to me and say that it was just you and your muggle friends play fighting. That is not what play fighting looks like.” He doesn’t want to turn and face James. He could always read Remus like a book. Well, that is not exactly right, he just has some sort of sixth sense for when someone is lying to him.
“Prongs, mate, just drop it. It's really nothing, just had a bit of a spill.” He could hear James move farther into the room. He did not want to think of his father or that house or their living room. He doesn’t want to think about Lyall kicking him when he’s laying on the ground in pain. He doesn’t want to think about how all bruises are different colours because they are in different forms of healing. He simply doesn’t want to think. There are boxes in his mind and he puts all of his thoughts in one and closes it up tight. He knows James wants to know, needs to know. Knows he wants to help. But if James pries the tape back from his boxes and everything spills out… he’s not sure what would come of him.
James was quiet for a few beats before letting out a huff of air. He was only a few paces away from Remus when he started talking in a calm quiet tone, like he was talking to a caged wild animal trying to calm it down. “That really didn’t look like nothing,” Remus could sense his hand coming towards him before it carefully touched down on his shoulder. “Moony, I’m worried about you. Maybe you did take a fall and maybe some are from the moon, but there are so many different aged bruises and-”
“JAMES, BOYS YOUR FRIEND IS HERE!” Effie's voice boomed from downstairs startling both boys. This caused Remus to jump and turn to face James.
Putting on his best fake smile, “Better not keep Lily waiting.” He said simply before starting to walk past James, who lightly grabbed his wrist.
Dropping before Remus could even pull it away he opened his mouth to speak, “Please let my Mum take a look at it, please. I'll tell her to not ask any questions. Or I'll tell her it was the wolf.” James begged. Remus just smiled, shook his head, and walked out the door.
***
“Remus John Lupin, I am going to kill you!” Lily shrieked the second his foot hit the last stair. She came charging at him, her red hair looking like a flame pushing her forward until she collided with him in what he thought was supposed to be a hug, but truly resembled a rugby tackle. It took most of his strength to keep him upright and all of his will to not let out a painful grimace. “What in the bloody hell is wrong with you,” she yelled, pulling back, but keeping both of her hands on his shoulders. “Not a single letter. Not. A. One. Until you are here at the Potters.” She is studying him, he quickly realizes. Looking for injuries and for lies. He is all at once worried that she has some sort of x-ray vision and can see his bruises. Instead he puts on a smile, but when she pushes him back he knows it was the wrong thing to do. “Do you hate me or something? You were perfectly fine, reading all my letters for all I know and just ignoring them. Do you understand how worried I was? Do you?”
He opened his mouth to respond, but was silenced by a quick wave of her freckled hand. “No! I want none of this I'm sorry shite. I want a real answer.”
She stared at him, unwavering, with her green eyes. It's such a calming force, yet a gaze searching for the truth. He realizes he’s never quite had someone look at him like she does. Her eyes say it’s okay, I’m with you, take your time, but do not think to lie to me and he realizes that is why she is so easy to confess things to. He almost wants to say it right then, but instead, “Lily, I know you don’t want me to say it, but I am sorry for upsetting you and for making you worry. I don’t hate you, never could.”
She smiled at him, a sad smile. Like she knew he wasn’t telling her everything, and that the rest was horrid, but she knew he wasn’t lying. She wrapped her arms around him again, this time gentle and loving. After a moment, he hugged her back. She was much shorter than him, but in that moment Remus never felt smaller. It felt as though she covered every part of him, warming all of his wounds. “Well, Remus Lupin, that's good because I could never hate you either. Against my better judgement, I really could never.” That's when he felt it. His eyes stinging and hot. He went to pull away, but she tightened her hold. “I’m glad you're here and I’m glad you're okay.”
Chapter 11: Chapter 11
Notes:
Lily, Sirius, Lily again. This is what we have all been waiting for, or at least what Remus has been waiting for.
Sorry this took a bit longer than expected to finish, I just couldn't stop writing. This chapter is actually double (maybe even triple?) the length of a normal chapter so please enjoy.
Also!! maybe you have seen I have decided on how many chapters this fic is going to be! definitely might change to more, but definitely not less and that is my plan for now.
As always any comment (especially your thought on the chapter) is much appreciated
tws: nothing really, just some self deprecating thoughts, and all around remus sadness/feelings
Chapter Text
The entirety of the rest day was great. Well if he didn’t count the odd looks James was sending him, or his thoughts about what Lily would say, or just the whole Sirius Black thing.
Effie made them all their very own fry-up. This was a very rare occurrence according to James she said it was too greasy for growing boys unless it was a special occasion. This then caused James to declare it a special occasion and holiday: Lily Day. The day Lily Evans finally agreed to spend time with James Potter. Lily then pointed out she was by no means here for James, but Remus didn’t miss the smile she was trying to hide.
Remus also couldn’t help but to notice Sirius. He did talk some throughout breakfast, not his normal amount, but also not a suspicious lack of talking. He continuously glanced at Remus and then would sharply look away whenever caught. Which at first bothered Remus why is he staring at me? until he realized he was doing the same. He also realized, from staring at him, that Sirius was just picking, grazing if you will, at this food. This worried him.
He quickly shook himself out of it. Sirius Black was not his problem to deal with or worry about. But then why could he not tear his eyes away?
After their delicious breakfast they spent some time playing exploding snaps in the living room, waiting for Peter to come over. Remus spent his time trying to avoid every single person in the room without making it obvious. He didn’t want to think about upsetting Lily all summer nor the conversation he was going to have with her. He didn’t want to think about James seeing his bruises nor just how kind he was to him. He definitely did not want to think of Sirius for obvious reasons (that definitely don’t include how beautiful his elegant hands are). So he plays the game of avoiding eye contact without acting too weird.
He can feel James' eyes like lasers pointed at him. He pretends not to notice. Remus is almost positive James would never tell anyone else about what he saw. He is too loyal, too kind. He would think of it as betraying Remus’ trust, and thank Merlin for that because Remus wants no one else to know about them.
It's easy to say he was incredibly grateful when Pete finally showed up. They all moved from the cozy living room and went outside to the Potters' incredibly well kept gardens and lawn. The Marauders, minus Remus of course, flew with a bit of quidditch mixed in. He and Lily lounged around the vast green lawn reading.
After a bit of time passed, Remus gave up pretending to read. His mind was too chaotic at the moment to truly understand anything. Instead he just laid back and stared at the blue sky. One of the clouds looked vaguely like a dog and before he could help it, he let out a small audible scoff. Because of course even the daytime sky would remind him of Sirius Black. He haunted all of the sky for Remus. He haunted everything.
To rid himself of the thought, he rolled over to see what Lily was reading. When he did, he caught her looking at him. Unlike Sirius, she did not look away. Instead she met his gaze. “Are you going to tell me why you are avoiding everyone?” She raised one perfectly manicured eyebrow and when it was clear he wasn’t going to answer she continued, “you are so confusing. One would think that you being here would cause you to stop ignoring everyone and distancing yourself.” He shrugged. She gave him a pointed look that said you win this time, but I’ll find out the truth and turned back to her book.
After a moment, he got the courage to speak. “I missed you,” it was in a small voice but he knew she heard him.
“I missed you too, but we wouldn’t have been missing each other if you responded to a singular owl,” she said without even looking away from her book.
He let out a small sigh and raised his hand to rest on her book before gently pushing it down until she looked at him. She looked sad, not quite upset with him, but just sad. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry I made you worry.” He tried his hardest to express his sincerity through his voice and eyes.
“I know you are,” she said with a sad smile as she rolled onto her side then once deeming that uncomfortable with a grimace to her stomach. “Did it help?” She asked, but quickly clarified, “the distance?” Lily was like that: specific, direct, to the point. But also kind. If he asked her to, she would drop it.
With that knowledge he wanted to answer her truthfully; however, he took a moment to ponder. Did it help? He hated every aspect of himself, similar to before, but now he hated how he treated his friends. He assumed that they would all grow to resent then hate him, but the opposite happened: they got worried. It wasn’t something he truly considered, well maybe for Lily because she didn’t know what he was. But James? He thought for sure he would hate him. Instead he’s always going on about how worried he is. “Not really,” he finally landed on. “It brought me perspective in a way. I don’t really know yet if I regret it, but I regret not sending a letter. To at least say ‘I’m alright, fuck off.’” She looked at him with those eyes and he could practically see the gears turning in her head. “Ask,” he said simply.
“Perspective how?” She responded quickly like if she didn’t ask within the second he would revoke her right.
“On what matters to me. On what matters to others.” He thought for a second, she let him, “and guilt.”
She tilted her head clearly surprised, “Yours?”
He nodded, “and others.”
“Guilt on what? What happened at the end of term?” She was getting too close, half of his brain screamed. The other half told him that this was the perfect opportunity.
“Nothing good,” he finally said. He could tell it was not what Lily wanted from him, but she was so close now she wasn’t going to back down. Not unless he told her to, and he could not get himself to do it.
“And you forgave them?” She said questionably, disbelievingly. “‘Cause it doesn’t seem like that. You won’t even look at James and you won’t even speak to Sirius-”
He cut her off quickly, “James didn’t do anything wrong.”
She looked at him incredulously. “So Sirius did and he took his side,” she didn’t even say it as a question. She said it like it was a fact she just needed confirmed. She thought so little of James, it almost hurt Remus. Why could Lily not see how amazing James is. Much better than Remus himself.
He felt the need to defend him, to show Lily just how great he is. “No. He took my side. Didn’t even talk to Black till summers start.” He wanted to say more. To shout about how James has always defended him, but he just couldn’t get the right words out.
Lily looked confused. Her eyebrows were drawn together, and she had even taken her bottom lip between her teeth. “So why are you mad at James?”
“I'm not.” He said very simply. He definitely did not want to delve into the embarrassment and fear of his bruises. That is not something he wants to or plans on confessing.
She let out an annoyed huff of air. “Really, Remus?” She said it with such disappointment that it stung. “Why did you distance yourself?” Why did he? he couldn't really remember. Only the feelings, the hatred. “It doesn't make sense if you were only mad at Sirius.”
And he broke. The flood gates opened and he feared he would never be able to close them again. “‘Cause he could’ve ruined my life. I thought, no, I think I deserved it, even though I felt betrayed I still think I deserved it to some extent.” He was a werewolf for Merlin's sake, of course he deserved it. “I felt I shouldn’t have you guys, and I felt I was only going to hurt you in the long run so why not do it now.” They would come to their senses, even if James never would. Once Lily found out she would hate him. For lying to her, for what he is. James is delusional, but Lily is level-headed. She would make the right choice. He had to believe that. So he continued in a small voice, “I felt like it was a matter of time and I needed some control. I just” hate myself, hate you guys, hate my life “am filled with hatred.” The longer he spoke the more Lily’s green eyes filled with tears. She looked heartbroken for him, unable to speak.
After a moment she found her voice. “But why? Remus, you are the best person I know. You are so kind and you care to know people.” She rolled to sit up and was so close that their knees almost bumped. Neither backed away. “Really know people, it's like nothing I have ever seen. I don’t believe you are filled with hatred and I don’t believe you deserved anything he did to you. So, why?” It was a kind thought, but she didn’t know the truth.
I’m a werewolf he wanted to scream and he almost did it. But he was a coward, he always knew he wasn't built for Gryffindor. “Because I am fucked up. Always have been, always will be.” That's when a tear finally escaped Lily’s eyes. She reached forward and pulled him tight. It felt good, but when he buried his face into her blouse it was wet. He reached his hand up to feel his face, and felt tears tripping down his checks. How long had he been crying?
“Oh, Remus,” she said into his ear. Pulling back she cupped his face with a sad smile on hers. “One more question then I promise I'm done for today.” He prepared himself. Ready to answer it with the truth. He beat around the bush enough. She was too kind, she needed to know the truth of what he was. “If you don’t forgive him, if you still want to distance yourself. Why come here?” He was surprised by her question. Surprised she would drop his previous answer. But he was grateful. He wanted to spend more time with her before he ruined it.
He smiled and tried to make it genuine. “I didn’t know what else to do. It would have killed me to stay.” And it was the truth, in a way. “I have something to tell you,” he said in a small surge of bravery. “Not now, but before you go. It will help me with the perspective.” She smiled, wiped her thumbs under his eyes, then her own, and layed back down.
***
Laying in bed later that night, Remus considered what he would say to Lily and how. He was informed that she was staying three days. So he had two left to build up the courage to do it. If she was mad, if she did hate him, he decided he would leave straight away. No need to stay, he would be cutting all ties. She would be his deciding factor on his life.
But, how would he say it? Would he blurt it out? He could just give her hints till she figured it out, but that might just be cruel to the both of them. Would he apologize? No, not for being a werewolf, he ultimately decided. It wasn’t in his control, but he would apologize for lying.
He tossed and turned and thought and thought and thought, until he was pretty sure his brain might explode. He then organized his thoughts: what he would say, how he would say it, and Lily’s possible reactions. He put them in boxes and rolled out of bed to use the bathroom before he would try and force himself to bed.
A new thought about Lily possibly telling people about what he was had just entered his mind when he grabbed the handle to the bathroom and pushed inward.
Inside Sirius Black stood. Hands on either side of the sink looking at himself in the mirror, crying. He only saw the scene for half a second before Sirius quickly wiped his face and turned to see who walked it. It was crazy how fast he could change his face. If Remus hadn’t seen only moments ago, he would never believe Sirius had just been crying.
“Sorry,” Remus stated simply. “Should have knocked.”
Sirius grinned that stupid Sirius Black grin, “I should’ve locked the door. I’m done anyways, it's all yours.” Remus nodded, feeling awkward and weirdly small. He took a step farther into the bathroom, but Sirius didn’t move to leave. “Are you happy?” He said instead.
Remus whipped his head to look at Sirius meeting his beautiful shut up that is not helpful grey eyes for the first time since opening the door. He asked it not in a condescending or cruel way, but as a genuine question. “What?” Is all he could think to respond. This was stupid, Sirius had to leave, and Remus had to stop thinking about the stupid question. Because no, Remus Lupin is not happy. Hasn’t been in a very long time.
“I’m sorry. I just mean with Lily here. Are you happy she’s here?” He is staring at him with those stupid eyes and all of a sudden Remus just wants to hit him (or kiss him SHUT UP).
Instead he says, “Yes.” Then took one more step into the bathroom and pulled the door open wider behind him in a gesture meant to say ‘get the fuck out’.
“I saw you talking to her earlier.” Remus knows what he means, but he clarifies anyway, “outside when we were flying.” All of a sudden Remus feels his face flush with embarrassment. He didn’t want Sirius or anyone else to witness those moments. He didn’t even really want to witness them himself. “Does she know what I did?”
Sirius looks sad again, withdrawn. Remus looks away from him. “No. She doesn’t even know what I am,” he whispers, clasping his hands in front of his body then shaking them out by his sides.
When Sirius lets out a surprised gasp, Remus snaps his head back towards the shorter boy, but he can’t find it in himself to meet his eyes. “What? She doesn’t know your a-”
Remus throws his hands up in an effort to get him to stop talking. “Shut up,” he hissed through barred teeth. “She’s sleeping right down the hall.” Sirius would spill his secret, again, before Remus can even tell her.
Sirius clasps a hand over his mouth before quietly whispering, “I’m sorry, oh Godric, I'm sorry. But that's crazy, how does she not know?” His face was so serious, but how could he think that Remus would simply go around telling people.
He was feeling venomous, “It's not something I tell people, only you do that.” Sirius flinched back like he hit him. Remus felt a wave of regret before suppressing it. He only told the truth.
Once Sirius recovered he started to nod his head. He even let out an uneasy chuckle.“Yeah, I definitely deserve that.” He waited only a moment before continuing, “but we know.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “You guys figured it out, I didn’t tell you.” Sometimes Sirius could be so stupid. He never, not once, wanted them to figure it out.
“And she never figured it out?” He said incredulously. “She's much smarter than us.”
“She didn’t share a dorm with me for years,” he said simply. Sirius raised his hands in a gesture that meant he was about to say something, but Remus couldn’t stop looking at his beautiful slender hands. He hated himself for it. “Get out,” he said before Sirius could say anything else. He was mad, he realized. Not at Sirius, or well not solely at Sirius, but for being so distracted by him. By being enamored by him. He shook his head furiously, trying to think of Rhys. He liked Rhys. Liked kissing him, liked to be with him. He didn’t like Sirius and certainly didn’t like to be with him. So why couldn’t he stop picturing grabbing his slender, pale hands pulling him close and kissing him. “Get the fuck out,” he stated more aggressively.
Sirius jumped a little. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to upset you,” he said while he walked out and closed the door behind him. He didn’t look at Remus once while doing it.
***
Remus decided soon after he woke up that he would tell Lily today. He was driving himself insane with worry and thought the sooner he knew her reaction the better.
He went down to breakfast a good two hours earlier than he usually would, his nerves too great to lay in bed pretending to sleep any longer. To his surprise, but great pleasure, Lily was sprawled out on the sitting room couch. The two of them seemed to be the only ones awake at this hour.
He sat next to her. “G’morning,” he said, stifling a yawn.
“Morning, Remus,” Lily said, far too cheery and awake for this hour. After sitting together in silence for a few minutes, he realized this was the perfect time to tell her. There was no one around and if things went sour, she was too good of a guest to scream at him when everyone is sleeping. He could also floo home before anyone had a chance to stop him.
“Lily,” she turned her full attention to him. He started to fidget with his hands, looking away. “I, uh,” that's when the door to the sitting room flung open.
“Oh, you kids are already awake. I’ll get on breakfast. What would you like?” Mrs. Potter said. She was still wearing a nightgown, but somehow seemed incredibly put together.
Remus was too stunned to speak at first, so Lily stepped in. “Anything is fine. Would you like some help?”
She smiled and nodded softly, “Thank you Lily that is very kind. Remus?” She turned her full attention to him before continuing, “Any Requests?”
“No Ma’am, but I can help too.”
She clicked her tongue twice, “Oh, Remus you should know by now to call me Effie, dear. None of this Ma’am or Mrs. Potter business. Well, come on dears let's start cooking.”
Before following Mrs. Potter, Effie, his mind corrected, Lily turned back to him, “Did you want to say something earlier.”
“Nah, let's go help.”
***
That is how Remus went about his day. At every moment trying to tell Lily the truth, he would hesitate slightly, and someone would interrupt them. After Effie, it was James, then Peter, then James again who interrupted to see if Lily wanted to go for a walk with him. Remus was ready to pull out his hair. Both in annoyance, but also the increase of his heart rate every time he thought about telling Lily was concerning. So having it happen multiple times in such a short period of time had him pretty worried.
It wasn’t until right before dinner when Remus got his chance. Lily had retired to her room to read. Peter went home for dinner, and James and Sirius were playing exploding snaps. So, he took it upon himself to seek Lily out.
As he snuck up the stairs he thought one last time about what he was going to say and how he was going to say it. He had planned it out in full and went over it, breathing fast, heart racing. When he got to her door he stood for a second, just staring. Finally, he raised a hand to knock. He paused just before his knuckle hit the door realizing just how much his hand was shaking. He took a deep breath. Then another. He roughly rubbed his hands against his face and before he would think twice rapped his hand against the door.
“Come in,” Remus whipped the door open before she even finished saying it in that sing-song-y voice of hers. “Woah, what's the rush? Dinner ready?” She hadn’t even looked up from her book yet. Still not taking her eyes off the page she reached her hand and desperately searched the bedside table for her bookmark. Lily always gets mad at him when he doggy ears his books. He wonders after he tells her, if she’ll ever yell at him for that again. He shakes his head of the thought, strides into the room, and hands her the bookmark.
His sudden movement caused her to look up and she smiles with a shocked look on her face, “I thought you were James. He’s usually the one to barge in the room.” He just stared, forcing her to continue, “so, what's up?”
“I’ve got something to tell you,” he blurted out.
She smiled, patting the bed next to her with a freckled hand, signaling for him to sit next to her. “You know I could actually tell. All day you’ve been trying to tell me something.” She raised a single eyebrow before continuing, “does this have anything to do with Sirius or your disappearing act?”
As he sat he shook his head furiously, “No, well kind of, but no. It’s just,” he took a breath. This is it, he thought. This is the moment where everything is going to change. He just didn’t know how. “I’m a werewolf.” He did it, he pushed the words past his lips for the second time in his life. He’s too scared to look over at Lily. He just sits at the edge of her bed trying, but failing at controlling his breathing. He feels tears sting the corners of his eyes and brings his shaking hands up to rub them away.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a small voice. “I’m sorry for lying and for not telling you.” He’s not really sorry for the last part, but he thinks she may appreciate it so he said it anyway.
He hears Lily take a deep breath and say his name, but he’s having a hard time focusing. She sounded sad, but not angry. Why isn’t she angry?
Two gentle hands drag him away from his thoughts. Lily had brought her hands up to cup his face and turned his head till it was facing her. “Oh, Remus,” she said while rubbing her thumbs under his eyes. “Look at me, love.” He decided it was the least he could do for her. He met her eyes and they were watery, but her face wasn’t sad. She almost looked happy? Relieved? He wasn’t sure. “I know,” she said.
“You- what!” He shot up off the bed, pushing her hands away when she tried to grab for him. He stared at her looking for any sign she was lying, but not able to find any.
“Sit back down,” she commanded in a rather stern voice. “I have known about this and it's okay.”
Why don’t you hate me? He thought, but out loud, “For how long?” She motioned for him to sit again and he hesitantly sat on the edge of the bed.
“For a while,” she said, looking pained. “But that doesn’t-”
“How long is a while,” he interrupted. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, believe that she knew. Why didn’t she say anything? He never noticed her acting differently.
She smashed her lips into a straight line before finally responding, “I started to suspect by the end of third year. I wasn’t sure until almost midway through fourth.”
“Third year. You’ve known since third year?” He was finding it hard to breathe. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” He gasped for a breath, “Why are you still my friend?”
“Well that's a stupid question. The last question, I mean.” She said it with a smile on her face, but tears in her eyes. “Why on earth would I stop being your friend because of this. It’s just one night a month you aren’t yourself.”
“No, no-” he tried to argue.
“And as for why I never said anything. I didn’t want you to have to worry about me knowing. So, I wanted to let you tell me yourself.”
If she knew that meant… “Does anyone else know?” He jumped up from the bed again and started to pace around the room.
“Not that I know.” When he shot her worried eyes she continued, “None of the girls know, but I assume the boys know.”
“Yeah, they figured it out,” he said absentmindedly. His thoughts were on more pressing matters. Such as how he never noticed a change in Lily once she knew and who else might know.
“You didn’t tell them?” He was too busy worrying to notice a change in her face, but he did notice it in her voice. She was surprised.
“Merlin, no. They figured it out pretty early on. Hard to hide it all living together.” How could she think he would tell them?
“But they’re your friends. Why didn’t you tell them?” She sounded like she didn’t quite believe him.
“Are you kidding them being my friends is precisely why I could never tell them.” He realized his mistake a second too late.
“So why are you telling me?” She didn’t sound hurt, thank Merlin. But now he was backed into a corner. The truth or to hurt her. Neither was good, but he was done causing her pain.
He wanted to try and keep it vague. “To see if I can have them,” he said simply.
He’d known she’d never let that slide, but he had hoped. “Have what?”
“Friends.” The word came out quite and broke a bit at the end. He hated being truthful.
Lily laughed before realizing he was serious. “Of course you can have friends I don’t understand.” She sounded worried again and he just wished they could go back before everything happened.
Before Sirius, before Lily found out, before his mother died, before he was even bitten. But he’s here now. In this moment. Where he was bitten and he was awful to his friends and his friend was awful to him. And all he had was the truth. “I’m a monster. A monster,” he emphasized meeting her eyes. “I don’t deserve you guys. I’ll just hurt you.”He saw it happen. The second he said the word, the tears filled her eyes and before he even finished speaking they were spilling over her cheeks.
But then there was a realization and an anger that spread across her face. “Oh my god… did Sirius tell you that? Is that what this whole fight has been about?”
“No,” he said sternly. “I don’t think he would ever say that, but what he did… It made me think about my life.” He knew she knew what he meant by it and wished once again she didn’t understand him so well.
She stood then. “Remus, look at me.” She waited till he did, “You deserve friends. You deserve happiness. You deserve the world. I don’t care what anyone else says, you will always have me.” Sometime during her speech he looked away. She grabbed his face and forced him to look at her. “You deserve the world, Remus Lupin. I don’t care what you think, and I don’t care if you are a werewolf.”
And that was that. Lily went back over to her bed and opened her book like Remus didn’t just share his deepest darkest secret to her. Like Remus hadn’t just shown her the ugliest parts of himself.
He took a deep breath. If Lily said he deserved his friends, maybe he did. He had told himself that he would believe her judgement, he just never thought it would end this way. He would force himself to believe it. He had to. Lily was his jury and she found him innocent, so now it was time to mend some friendships.
Starting with Sirius Black.
Chapter 12: Chapter 12
Notes:
So sorry for be inactive AGAIN. i'm the worst ik. buttttttt things are looking up in this chapter!!!!
Lily, Sirius!!!, Lily again
tws: honestly none, but some general sad thoughts
please let me know what you think of this chapter and please know that this fic will never be abandoned. I will finish it no matter what. sorry for my 6 month hiatus.
Chapter Text
Immediately after dinner Remus excused himself to his room, feigning a headache. On his way out Lily shot him a look and followed after. He didn’t want to talk, not right now. He needed time alone, to think, to come up with a plan. He didn’t have it in him to talk with Lily again, to cry again. But he let her follow too tired to try and stop her.
He walked through the bedroom door and left it open behind him. Lily followed only a few steps behind and closed it herself. Without even glancing over to her he fell into his bed face first, his body turning to jelly. He could hear Lily’s light footsteps coming closer until he felt the bed dip slightly next to him.
After a few moments of silence Lily broke it, “You alright?” Remus stayed silent, wishing he could do anything but make Lily worry, but it seems that all he’s good for. “Yeah,” she continued. “That was a stupid question. But do you even have that headache?”
He rolled over smiling. He met Lily’s green eyes and saw relief. “A bit, but more so I just wanted some time to think.”
She nodded, chewing on her lip. “About what?” She asked and Remus realized she was nervous. Nervous for him, nervous for what he was going to do next.
“I trust you,” he said, sitting up and turning his whole body towards her. “No matter what my mind tells me, I trust you and I trust what you say about me.” He sees her nodding and opening her mouth to say something, but he pushes through. “You believe I deserve the life you all have and I am trusting you, but I need some time to think. I need to fix the mess I have made. The mess he made, and I need to think about how to do that”
“And you need to think about that alone.” It should be a question, she should have said it in a bitter way. But it was all understanding, in that way only Lily Evans could be. Remus felt his eyes sting, but fought the urge away. He has cried too much in the past few days. Lily stood with a smile on her face. “You know where to find me if you want to talk. About anything,” she said before walking straight out of the room. Again that exit should have felt bad to Remus, but he knew Lily too well. She wasn’t angry, she wasn’t upset, she understood what he needed and wanted that for him.
No matter how much he wanted to dwell on Lily and her kindness, he shook her out of his head. He needed to think about Sirius. The possibility of forgiving him. The thought of what would happen if he never forgave him.
That one thought took him aback. What would happen? He couldn’t be sure, but his life at Hogwarts would change for good, but not just his: all of his friends' lives would be different. The marauders would have to pick sides and no matter how mad James was to Sirius right now that was his brother in every way but blood. Remus could never blame him for going back to Sirius eventually. It still boggles Remus’ mind that James still has it in him to be mad at him. Peter would follow whatever James does in the end. He might hold out for some time, but eventually he’ll crawl back to James. Lily would most definitely stand with his decision. But then when James goes with Sirius it will solidify her hatred for James, who truly seems to love her. Marls is one of his closest friends and as close as he is to Mary she has some sort of bond with Sirius he doesn’t understand. Would him choosing to never forgive Sirius cause them to fight? Would one of them have to choose between one of the boys and their friendship with each other? He can’t do that to his friends, he can't rip his group apart.
That was it. His decision was made. He would try. He doesn’t know for sure if he can forgive Sirius, but he can try. And if he can't forgive him, he can pretend. He can be civil. He can sit next to him and smile when he is supposed to. He deserves friends, as Lily so nicely told him, but his friends also deserve their friend group to be intact. So, he will try. He will let James and Peter back in, but first he will talk to Sirius.
***
He waited in his room for what felt like hours. He paced back and forth, he sat on his bed and tried to read a muggle book Lily gave him, but he did not think of what he would say to Sirius. He couldn’t come up with anything. He was still so mad everytime he thought about what to say it always melted into him shouting.
Finally, finally, he heard Sirius’ bedroom door open and shut. Before he can lose his nerve, he walks across the hallway. Without knocking he pushes the door open. He’s not sure why he does it, but knocking just felt wrong. However, the second the door bangs against the wall, he regrets it. He didn’t want to come to fight. He wanted to try and make amends, at least to some degree.
Sirius has his back turned ruffling through his wardrobe and doesn’t even turn when the door bangs. Instead he sighs, “Prongs I really don’t want to talk about this right now. I’m tired.” Remus doesn’t know what to say, so instead he stands there until Sirius looks over his shoulder. “James, I’m serious-” his features freeze in surprise and he turns completely around to face Remus. “Sorry, thought you were James.” He looks unusually nervous and for some stupid reason Remus felt the need to make him feel better.
So he smiles slightly, “I could tell.” He closed the door behind him before walking slightly further into the room. “What didn’t you want to talk to James about?” That felt easier than talking about their issues. Remus Lupin ignores his problems even when he's trying to face them head on. So unbelievably typical that he wants to lay down on the floor of Sirius’ bedroom and never get up. Instead he tries to focus all of his attention on Sirius’ features as they melt into some sort of passive apathetic look. Remus knows he’s forcing himself to look like he doesn’t care, probably so you won’t run off his brain his brain helpfully supplies.
Sirius’ features can look completely nonchalant, his arms swaying slightly at his side, feet still, and face calm, but his eyes give him away: focused, worried, and blazing into Remus’. “Oh, you know how James is. Nothing particularly interesting, just always bugging someone.” Remus understands this as a form of dismissing the topic, but he can't help but think what they were actually talking about. James had told him Sirius wasn’t forgiven, but it seems like Remus’ fears from only hours ago are turning out to be true. They are making up and every fear he has will probably start to come true if he doesn’t fix this.
Still even with that thought in his mind he cannot make his mouth open to say anything. So instead he clasps his hands in front of his body and squeezes and pulls his fingers. He refuses to look at Sirius, instead his eyes find the wall then his hands. He stands there in the awkward silence thinking of what to say next for far too long. His mind drifts to James one too many times, but shakes off the thought every time it pops up.
“Not that you're not welcome here, or that I don’t want you here,” Sirius’ voice interrupts Remus’ thoughts. “But did you come here for a certain reason?” He looks nervous, he is obviously fighting not to fidget. “You can just sit here if you want or you can stand or whatever you want. I’m not trying to like kick you out or anything-”
It seems Sirius’ rambling finally opened his brain. “I hate what you did,” he interrupted. He felt his eyes start to sting, but he kept going. “I hate everything about it. I can’t wrap my head around it. You made me question everything about myself and my life. You made me hate myself.” He had never admitted it. Not really, but it was painfully true. His first tear slipped out and he roughly wiped it away. He won't cry now.
Sirius stood up, but made no move to speak. His lips were trembling and his grey eyes met Remus’ with nothing but painful regret in them. Remus pushed forward trying to not get Sirius’ beautiful sad face to distract him. He had to say it, he had to get it off his chest. “But no matter what you did and no matter what I feel about myself, I can’t fully hate you. I want to or at least wanted to.” Does he want to hate him? He doesn’t really want to, but can’t stop the feeling from creeping in.
Instead of thinking too much about his hatred, he continued, “I’ve done some thinking, well Lily helped me a bit, and I’ve realized the marauders and the girls there are the only thing I’ve really ever had.” He had his mother once, but she's gone; and, as his father likes to say, it's his fault. “You guys are the only thing I have going for me and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you, but I want to try. I don’t want to lose everyone, and to do that I need to try to forgive you. I don’t want you to get your hopes up because I truly don’t know if I can, I am so mad at you it hurts, but I am going to try.” He is slightly aware that he’s rambling now, but he can’t stop. He can’t stop the heavy breathing or the pulling on his hands, but then some else stops it for him.
Sirius had made his way all the way to Remus without him even realizing. Soon, Remus felt hands wrap around his own. Opening his eyes he realizes just how close Sirius’ sincere face is. “It's okay, Remus. Thank you for trying.” Remus got the terrible, beautiful urge to lean forward. Instead he scrambles back so suddenly, Sirius flinches. Remus doesn’t stop moving until his back hits the door. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“No,” he cuts him off. “You did nothing wrong.” He hated himself for reacting like this. He hated himself for wanting Sirius.
Sirius stayed back and spoke softly, like Remus was a scarred cornered animal, “so what does this mean?” Remus understood what he was asking. Were they going back to normal? Did Sirius still have to avoid him? He wasn’t sure, he hadn’t thought this far. It was as if Sirius could tell how confused he was. “How about I just follow your lead, yeah?”
In that moment Remus felt so grateful for him, for his understanding, for his kindness. Which was absurd he knew, it was Sirius Black’s fault they were here in the first place. His stupid decisions, his cruelty, but either way appreciation surged through Remus’ body. He nodded, giving Sirius a small smile. “You don’t have to avoid me like you have and I’ll try not to avoid you.”
And there it was, Sirius Black’s famous grin. “Sounds good to me, Moony.”
Remus didn’t flinch at the name.
***
James seemed to notice the change immediately, even though the changes were minuscule. No matter, the next morning when Sirius sat down to breakfast next to Remus, Remus gave him a small smile and didn’t leave the table the second he finished his food. James looked between the two of them, then smiled wide the whole breakfast.
During the day, he still sat off to the side with Lily when the other marauders flew. They chatted about nothing of real importance, but Lily’s eyes gleamed with something he couldn’t completely place. When Effie comes out with lemonade, like she's done everyday, he goes over with the rest of them (unlike what he’s done everyday). When they back over to their spot on the lawn and the boys go back into the sky Lily leans towards him and whispers, “you seem happy.” She says it with such a large smile on her face that Remus can’t help but believe her.
In the evening Remus chose to join the marauders and Lily in a game of exploding snaps. He didn’t miss the look and smile Lily and James shared when he sat down.
He went to bed that night feeling lighter. Who knew forgiveness could feel so good, but he can still feel the anger simmering beneath his skin. If he goes back, though, he would lose this feeling. The happiness, the relief, he has felt all day. It feels so freeing to let go of the anger. He still doesn't trust Sirius, doesn’t know if he ever will, but he can forgive him. If not for Sirius, then for himself. Forgiveness is a choice. A choice he is actively choosing to make. He will forgive him. Not for Sirius’ sake, but for his own. He’ll never forget though and he may never trust him again, but he is choosing to forgive him.
***
When Remus walked past the front door on his way to breakfast, he saw Lily’s bags by the door. A strong wave of regret hit him all at once. He spent far too much of her time here moping around and avoiding all of his friends.
He sits next to Lily at the table and she smiles over at him, “Good you are up before I leave.”
“Like you would leave without saying bye to me,” he scoffs. Helping himself to the bowl of fruit in front of him.
Lily rolls her eyes, “you're right because knowing you it might be the last time we speak before I see you at school.” He knows she's only teasing him, but yet it still stings.
“I promise I won't do that again.” He says quietly, resigned, “not ever again.”
She looks sorry, though she shouldn’t, he deserved it. “I believe you.”
She left right after she finished eating. Didn’t even wait for James and Sirius to wake up (and boy was James upset he missed seeing her off). After she profusely thanked Mr. and Mrs. Potter (Effie and Monty his brain reminded him). Remus helped her put her bags in her Fathers car (her house still was not connected to the floo network). She gave Remus one last hug, made him promise to be okay, and left.
Remus was surprised just how okay he felt. She knew, she didn’t care. The bandage was ripped off and it didn’t even hurt.
But now Remus had to go back to his real life. The life with a Father who hated him and sometimes even hurt him. He didn’t want to go back, but saw no other possible option. It would only be one full moon then two weeks and he could go back to school. He could survive two weeks.
He could get the image of Sirius’ beautiful smile and elegant hands out of his head with Rhys’ mouth and rough hands. He smiled to himself excited to see his friends and also knowing he was already getting better. He was seeing a positive on going home.
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