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I step into Lisa’s computer room and pause at the sight before me. Lisa is rapidly rolling from one end of the room to the other, spending a few seconds manically changing tabs and staring at video feeds before scribbling something down on a note card and moving to a different screen. It’s been a while since I saw her in full Thinker mode like this, and I can’t help but be entranced by her energy.
“Taylor!” Lisa says, having noticed me out of the corner of her eye; or maybe it was the sound of the door opening. You can never really tell with Thinkers. “Good timing, I need a second opinion on this data set.”
Feeling slightly bemused, I walk over to where she’s seated and peak over her shoulder at a list of names and locations. I furrow my brow for a moment before I realize what I’m looking at. “This is data on the Wards?”
“Yup, all the Wards in the entire North Eastern section of America. I’m trying to track who’s jumping ship, who’s going to stay, and who we could potentially poach for our organization,” she explains, leaning back into me slightly.
I absently put a hand on her shoulder, frowning as I process what this means. “We’re expanding?”
“Yup! We have an entire new world to explore and build, we need all the help we can get. Obviously we’re hiring non-cape experts as well, but I figured having more parahuman muscle around would be a solid deterrent for other large organizations who might try to swoop in and take over the portal.”
I nod, seeing the logic of the move. It’s probably their best bet moving forward, and it’s only natural that she would see that before anyone else. Her power’s assistance aside, she’s always been far better at running teams and organizations than she will ever admit. “Sure, let’s go down the list and make some plans.”
Lisa smiles and highlights the top entry. “I have this organized by most likely to join, and Flechette is at the top of that list. She’s in love with Parian, she’s very disillusioned with the PRT and Protectorate, and she lacks any meaningful connections outside of the cape community.”
My eyes flicker across the dossier that opens on the second screen. My mind flashes back to my last encounter with the older girl, and my shoulder twinges in sympathetic pain. “Yeah, I see what you mean. I think she would be receptive, especially after Echidna.”
“We’ll have to find a good time to approach her. I’m not sure about bringing Parian in on the plan, but it’s an option,” Lisa says, shuffling uncomfortably in her chair before letting out a frustrated huff. “Okay I know we just started but we need to move. Grab a couple laptops, we’re going to the couch.”
I smile as I watch her stand and stretch, her joints creaking and popping an alarming amount. I scoop up a couple laptops, and follow her to the couch set up on the other side of the room. It’s not the same couch as the one we had in the loft, obviously, but it’s similar. I can’t help but feel pangs of nostalgia as I settle onto the cushion next to her, our legs flush together for ease of cooperation.
I still have some time to spend with Lisa before I make my move. It’s barely late afternoon, and I wanted to leave them in a good position. Abandoning Lisa with all this work just doesn’t sit right with me, not when I can easily help her now.
I lose myself in the clacking of keys and the weave of conversation. At some point we get distracted by a pair of humor villains in Albany, and we lose an hour cackling and giggling at news clips of the two of them. I almost want to send them a job offer just based on that alone.
My eyes start drooping and words start blending together. I reach up to rub my eyes and jolt with surprise when my hand hits my glasses. Maybe I’ve pushed myself too hard. It’s only been- eight hours? Oh.
I go to roll my shoulder and freeze when I notice the weight that’s been resting there for at least the last half hour or so. Lisa is leaning against me, head nested on my shoulder with the faintest trail of drool slipping from her open mouth. She’s asleep, and I can’t bear to wake her.
Instead, I lean my head against her and close my eyes, surrendering to the fatigue that has become an ever present companion these last... almost three years I suppose. I haven’t been the same since my mom died, since Emma turned on me, or since getting my powers. It all just builds and builds, and you get used to it. You adapt.
Sometimes though, you need to let it win. Sometimes, you need to close your eyes and give up. I’m not very good at that, especially lately. But right here, right now, it’s not hard. I trust Lisa, even though I know I shouldn’t. I feel safe with her, even though I couldn’t give a reason why.
So for tonight, I’ll shut my eyes and let myself be close to her. Tomorrow I can do a quick circuit of my territory and actually finish my preparations. The note rests heavy in my pocket, and I firm my resolve. Tomorrow.
*****
My territory is running smoothly and efficiently, just as it was when I left it yesterday. The construction teams are making progress on the new housing, the roads are clearer than ever, and we even have a handful of food trucks from out of town setting up shop along the boardwalk. The city is healing, and I helped get it here.
I turn my attention towards my lair. Charlotte got up early to shepherd the children to school, but with that done she’s taking care of some housekeeping tasks and chatting with Forrest. I notice some lingering touches through my bugs, and a part of me feels bad for interrupting them when I do.
“Skitt- Taylor!” Charlotte exclaims in surprise. She practically leaps away from Forrest, who looks equal parts surprised, hurt, and amused. I quirk an eyebrow at the pair, and Charlotte’s face turns an interesting shade of red and pink.
“Charlotte, Forrest,” I greet them both with a nod as I make my way towards the kitchen. I had coffee with Lisa, but I’ve been craving a good cup of tea since waking up. “How are you doing today?”
“Fine, fine, just busy,” Charlotte says, and I shoot her a look at the deflection. She hesitates for a second before squaring her shoulders and going into minion mode. “The kids are off at school and there aren’t any major issues there. The teachers are largely accepting and understanding of the trauma everyone’s been through, and are focused more on getting them back into a semblance of normality than on making sure they learn as much as they can.
“Sierra dropped by to pick up some papers and leave you a message about the portal. Apparently there are some issues with supply chains and deliveries going missing. Accord also sent another packet of papers the size of a small novel that I think he wants you to look over regarding New Brockton.”
All of that falls within my normal expectations, although the Accord packet isn’t something I can ignore. I put it on the mental shortlist of things I need to do before leaving for good. “Sounds good, thank you.”
“Boss,” Forrest says, nervously flicking his eyes between us. I gesture for him to continue as I pour boiling water into my usual mug. “We’ve had some issues with one of the merchant splinter groups. They were following the rules at first, but I’ve been hearing stuff about them cutting in more addicting shit to get more repeat customers.”
I frown, flicking through my mental list of all the C-list gangs we assimilated. Four immediately pop to mind as possible suspects. Lisa finally convinced me that the drug trade wasn’t going anywhere, but I still insist on having standards as an organization. Keep the drugs clean, tell people exactly what they’re buying, and keep it away from kids; even then, kids mostly means middle schoolers and below. Maybe I’m biased, but I have a hard time seeing how I could stop high schoolers from getting their hands on weed and alcohol, so I try to focus on making it as safe as possible when they do get it.
“I’m going to need you to brief me in more detail. Call up a couple of your boys and we’ll go pay them a visit. Make an example of them so everyone else knows to toe the line.” I’m already organizing my bugs as I speak. Forrest snaps to attention, and for a second I think he’s about to salute.
“Got it boss. I’ll grab Larry and Ben. They know how to handle themselves and know who you’re looking for,” he pulls out his phone as he speaks and starts composing a text message. I turn back to Charlotte, who is looking a combination of stoic and nervous.
“You said something about supply chains? Fill me in while he’s getting stuff organized.” She nods, quickly moving to my office to grab a stack of papers set on the desk.
At some point, giving orders and being a leader became normal. I still worry that I’m screwing up or making a mistake, but faking confidence has gotten easy. Easy enough that I’m not even sure if it’s fake anymore. Loath as I am to admit it, I am good at being a warlord; at being a Villain.
This is one reason why I think I need to leave. I’m too good at being bad, and if I keep going like this, I don’t know if I’ll like where I’ll end up. I’m not even sure if I should like where I am now.
I tell myself that it’s worth it, that every step I’ve taken was the best option I had. I see the smiling faces of the people in my territory, and my heart swells. I spend time with my team, and I feel comfortable and wanted. I wake up on the couch next to Lisa, and I feel rested in a way that I haven’t felt in years.
The note burns a hole in my pocket. The fate of the world depends on this, and that’s enough. What is my comfort and happiness in the face of something that important? I wanted to be a hero, and what is more heroic than saving the world? All I have to do is give up everything I’ve built, toss away everyone I care about.
Cut ties.
I can’t think about it, I just need to do it.
Tomorrow, once I’m done maintaining order and handling the problems that cropped up and going over Accord’s new plan. One more day to put my affairs together. Just one more day.
*****
Leaning back in my chair, I let out a groan of contentment as I stretch the muscles in my back and neck. It’s been a week, but I finally got my ducks in a row again. Accord’s plan was fascinating, but I had some notes on things that seemed like obviously bad ideas. A couple of back and forths was all it took to get a neater version, but it was still a day or two between each revision as we focused on writing and editing.
At least the example I made of the troublemakers in my territory is paying back dividends. The C-list gangs have been a lot more cooperative since videos of what I did to the “Green Street Bois” started circulating. Larry turned out to be very competent, and if I was going to stick around any longer I would have him put together a team of enforcers to watch the territory when I’m busy. Maybe even spread across the rest of the city, extend my range of influence beyond what just my power passively allows.
I can see why it’s so common for villains to have minions.
I’m not staying though, and I’m not going to be a villain going forward. I’m going to turn myself in, cut ties, and hunt down the Nine; or rather, Jack Slash. Stopping the end of the world is more important than putting together a specialized team of minions. Even if the Yellow Jackets has a nice ring to it-
No, I can’t get side tracked again. I can’t keep delaying and putting this off. I’ve prepared as much as is reasonable and then some besides. I’m ready to go. Not tomorrow, today.
My phone rings with a sound that sets my heart plummeting. After Leviathan, I set up a custom alert for Endbringer attacks that would go off when another one happened, no matter where in the world it occurred. Numbly, I pull out my phone and flip it open to stare at the screen. New Delhi. Behemoth.
Before I even register moving, I’ve already got half my costume on. I’m about to pull on my mask when my phone rings, the number belonging to one of Tattletale’s burners. “Peach T,” I answer curtly.
“What the fuck color is peach- okay it’s fine. Canary R,” Lisa’s voice is panicked, the sounds of rustling papers and computer fans audible in the background. “You heard about- fuck, you’re planning on going.”
“I have to,” I say, the words ash in my mouth.
“I know. We’re coming with you, don’t argue. The heroes have a gathering point for volunteers. Technically it’s for independent heroes and rogues, but they would be stupid to refuse us,” she talks briskly, answering questions before I can even ask them.
“Where is it?” I’m already stepping out the door, pulling my mask on and gathering the most useful bugs in my range.
“Near your territory. There’s an empty space near the Ferry Station where Dragon is going to land a shuttle. It’s got some fancy Tinker shit and should get us there shortly after things start. We have some warning and Behemoth isn’t in New Delhi yet.”
“Thank you,” I pause, rolling the words around my mouth before finally deciding to just speak them. “Stay alive. You’re more important than whoever we could save.”
Saying it felt like a betrayal, but it was true. Lisa was more important to me than all the people of New Delhi. Not just Lisa, but Brian, Aisha, Rachel, and even Alec were all more valuable to me than even a million people I haven’t met before. I have to try saving them, I have to go help, but failing to save a stranger wouldn’t hurt as much as losing a friend.
“I was about to say the same to you sweetie. You can’t save anyone else if you’re dead.” With that said, she hangs up and I can finally pull on my mask the rest of the way.
A quick check of Atlas reveals that he is in no state to fly me, and it’s with a pang of loss that I realize he might not be alive when I get back. No time, I need to get to the meeting point. It’s close enough that I can jog, my swarm crawling and flying around me. People duck off the street and sidewalks as I pass, the sight of a costumed villain likely more than most of them were willing to deal with.
I get there at the same time as the rest of the Undersiders. Rachel rode in on her dogs; Brian and Aisha park a nondescript van a street over and walk in; Lisa and Alec show up with Accord and his Ambassadors. Even Parian wanders over with several of her signature dolls carrying her between them. In the end, we heavily outnumber the gathered heroes, all of whom tense up at our presence.
Miss Militia uncrosses her arms, casually positioning herself to draw her weapon if something goes wrong. Clockblocker goes so still at the sight of me that for a second I think he froze himself. Flechette gives me an unreadable look before focusing all her attention on Parian.
The rest are more mixed: Assault shifts into an aggressive stance at the sight of me, and if I could see his face I have no doubt that he would be glaring. Dovetail and Ursa Major shift nervously, but otherwise make no move to engage. Triumph pretends not to see me. Sere stares behind me, and it takes me a moment to realize he’s looking at my swarm.
I start stashing bugs in my costume, hiding them under my half cape, skirt, in my pouches, under my armor panels, and even in my hair. Oddly enough, hiding the bulk of my swarm doesn’t seem to put the gathered heroes at ease.
The tension breaks when Aisha pushes Alec over something and the both of them start cackling like hyenas. The heroes don’t completely let their guard down, but they stop staring. Some of them anyway.
Lisa starts walking towards Miss Militia, and I move to meet her there. Partially because I’m interested in whatever information we can get about the situation, and partially because I would rather not accidentally create an enemy out of one of the few capes that seems to tolerate us.
Well, more of an enemy at any rate.
“Tattletale, Skitter,” Miss Militia greets us, eyes narrowing over her bandana. “To what do we owe the pleasure?”
“We’re here to help of course,” Tattletale says, voice oozing with insincerity. “That’s how this works all right? We help out with the big threats, and you don’t drop a cruise missile on our base.”
“Self interest. Why am I not surprised?” Miss Militia’s eyes flick towards me for an instant, but otherwise she remains focused on Tattletale.
“Defending the future of humanity is important enough that we’d do it anyway,” I interrupt. “But I won’t deny that maintaining a stable relationship with the larger cape community is a motivation as well.”
If that helps improve Miss Militia’s opinion of us, she doesn’t let it show. Lisa’s grin widens slightly, which I take as a sign that I should keep talking.
“All we’ve ever wanted is stability. That’s why we took territory in the first place,” Miss Militia shifts her attention to me, eyes locked on the yellow lenses of my mask. “I understand that at the end of the day we’re villains and you’re heroes, but we can settle those differences without making things harder for society at large.”
“That’s rather optimistic,” Miss Militia’s voice is carefully measured as she speaks. “I can’t say that everyone shares your perspective, but I personally would like to avoid the collateral that fights with your team typically create.”
I shrug, trying to act nonchalant even as memories of fighting Dragon and Coil flash through my mind. “It’s hard to show restraint when backed into a corner.”
Miss Militia almost flinches and I feel her muscles tense with the handful of bugs I placed along her back. She wasn’t in favor of Tagg’s plot. She’s probably not a fan of Tagg. I doubt it’s enough to get her to turn on him but... She might not put up too much of a fuss if something were to happen that would disgrace him.
I start mentally building a plan to deal with the man while simultaneously checking on the rest of the gathered capes. Regent and Aisha are bothering Clockblocker, who seems more uncomfortable than hostile. Accord is conferring with his Ambassadors, a handful of heroes unsubtly listening from nearby. Flechette and Parian are having a hushed conversation away from the rest. I could possibly strain myself to listen in with my bugs but... it looks personal, and if Flechette is a potential recruit, I want to respect her privacy.
Not much else is said before the Dragoncraft arrives, and we all silently march in and take our seats. Without it being spoken, the heroes line up on one side and the villains on the other. Flechette chooses to sit next to Parian on our side as they continue their hushed conversation. I try not to read too much into it, as it’s likely that she simply didn’t notice the divide.
Still, I’ll take it as a win. We’ll want at least one of those before a fight like this.
*****
Behemoth is dead. I should be happy. I should be celebrating, cheering that we finally managed to kill the unkillable. Instead I just feel hollow. We lost so many people. Heroes. Civilians. Allies.
Friends.
Alec is dead, and I can’t help but blame myself. He died saving us, saving his team. I wasn’t as close to him as I am to the others. I feel guilty for that now, doubly so for only feeling that guilt because he’s dead. I glance over at Aisha, who’s sitting next to her brother, face pressed into his shoulder. She’s visible right now, which is a relief.
I tear my gaze away from the sibling’s moment and glance at Parian and Flechette, who seem to have fallen asleep against each other. They spent a lot of time working together with us on the field, and I’m willing to bet this sealed the deal as far as her recruitment goes. My gaze flicks over Citrine, who’s sitting stock still and staring off into space. Accord died as well, and she’s the one in charge of the organization now. I make a mental note to meet with her tomorrow and discuss what, if anything, is going to change now.
I can’t delay any longer. I turn to look at the prone form of the girl next to me. Lisa’s resting on a gurney right next to me, eyes closed as she breathes carefully through the tube in her neck. She almost died. She was likely minutes away from death before she performed a hasty tracheotomy on herself, which I didn’t even know she knew how to do. Maybe she didn’t, and tried anyways.
I’m glad she did, because I wouldn’t know what to do if she died.
I can’t run this city without her.
Wait. I’m not trying to rule the city. I’m trying to set things up so they can rule the city, because I need to cut ties. I can’t do it right now of course, since Lisa needs to recover, and Aisha needs support, and there’s the mess with the Ambassadors to sort out. Once that’s taken care of I-
I....
I gently squeeze Lisa’s hand, just to let her know I’m here.
I’ll figure that out when I get there. Right now, I have more important things to deal with.
*****
It’s taken a month of work and recovery to get things running smoothly again. Citrine was amenable to fusing our organizations, and the Ambassadors and Undersiders are working as a partnership now. We recently recruited the Red Hands, a small time group of thieves not unlike how we used to operate, and Brian stepped up and took point in being their liaison. The extra responsibility has been good for him, and I think he and Cozen- Alice in civies- are getting closer than professionally advisable.
Not that I’m one to judge. I’m just glad that he seems happier now.
Lisa is fully recovered as of a couple days ago, and has been acting as carefree and chipper as ever. I’m hesitant to leave her alone for too long, and at this point I think I spend more time at her apartment than I do mine. I’ve been helping her with her work, even if that time has increasingly turned into watching movies or making fun of people on the internet.
Each second I spend with her is precious, and I want to make the most of what little time I have left.
I look at the piece of paper Dinah left me, and firm my resolve. Today is the day that I leave. Today is the day that I take one more step towards saving the world.
“Hey boss, hope this isn’t a bad time, but I kinda killed Heartbreaker and adopted most of his kids,” Aisha says, poking her head past the door frame and grinning impishly.
I stare at her for what feels like a minute, not even blinking as I process her statement. I slump, shove the paper into a drawer, and stand up from my desk. I can leave after I take care of... whatever the hell this is.
*****
“No, you’re not going,” Lisa’s voice stops me cold. I turn to face her, doing my best to keep my expression level. The television drones on in the background, detailing the location of the latest Endbringer attack.
“Why not? People could be dying-” I snap, my bugs tearing into each other in the background.
“Because it’s the fucking Simurgh!” Lisa shouts, her eyes glistening with anger. “The worst thing that could happen with the others is that you die. With the Simurgh? You could end up a different fucking person!”
I hold my body completely still as she paces back and forth, pulling out her ponytail and running her hands through her hair. Tattletale looks at me, a single tear in the corner of her eye.
“Do you want to kill yourself? Sacrifice your body and mind to save even a single worthless person? Would you jump in front of a fucking bullet if it meant someone could spend a minute longer living their dull, pointless lives? You would, wouldn’t you? That’s the type of person you are.”
I glare at her, scrambling to put together some sort of defense. She shoots me a look that causes my half formed arguments to whither and die in my throat.
“You don’t care how it hurts the people you leave behind. You don’t care that staying alive is the best way for you to do the most good. You’re looking for a place to die, and the Endbringer is the most noble one you can think of.”
She turns sharply towards me as she speaks, poking me in the chest with a single finger to punctuate her point. Her face is red, her hair is frazzled, and her eyes glisten with something more than just rage.
“Well fuck that Taylor, you’re not allowed to die. You’re not allowed to leave me behind, and you're absolutely not allowed to go against the fucking Simurgh! You think that Valefor and Heartbreaker were big scary masters? They’re shallow imitations of the horrors the Simurgh can make people do. And I won’t let that happen to you.”
She pants, out of breath from her tirade. I stare at her, hands gripped into fists. The news continues in the background, announcing the Simurgh’s withdrawal. Even if I had left as soon as the news broke I wouldn’t have gotten there in time. I’ll never know what choice I would have made, because it was ripped away from me before I could.
Lisa storms past me, rubbing the tears from her eyes and slamming the door to her bedroom.
I just stare at the television, trying desperately to untangle this web of emotion I’m caught in.
Do I want to die? To martyr myself for a cause greater than myself? I want to say no, that Tattletale just said that to hurt me. But it’s Tattletale. Lisa . She’s right a frightening amount of the time, and so I have to consider that maybe this is no different.
I don’t like to think about this. Don’t like what it says about me, and I especially don’t like how it maps to my actions as a cape so far. Dinah’s note flashes across my mind, and I shove it to the side. That’s different, it’s about saving the world and humanity. It’s not the same thing at all.
Isn’t it?
I have a few bugs in Lisa’s room, and I push myself into them for a moment. She’s crying, sobbing into her pillow. My heart lurches uncomfortably. I did that. I hurt her. What did her power tell her while she was ranting at me? What did she see about my response that even I don’t know for sure?
I can’t leave her alone. Not after this.
I turn and walk softly to her door, knocking gently. She doesn’t respond verbally, although her body stills for a moment before another bout of sobs wracks through her. I try the handle, pushing into the room when I find it unlocked.
I quietly shut the door behind me, leaving the lights off and carefully walking to her bed using my bugs to navigate. Lisa shifts to face away from me as I settle on the other side of the bed from her. I sit there in silence for a moment, unsure of what to do or say.
Nobody ever told me how to help a crying girl.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice soft and quiet. “I wasn’t thinking. I... didn’t consider what would happen if I died. What might happen if she got her hooks into me.”
Echidna and the Travelers come to mind as I pull my legs up onto the bed and move towards her. She doesn’t move away or tell me to stop, so I assume I’m doing the right thing.
“I don’t want to leave you Lisa. You’re the most important person in the world to me, and I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry I did hurt you,” as I speak, I gently wrap my arms around her, pulling her against me in a hug.
She clutches my arms desperately, as if she expects me to vanish the moment she lets go. “Don’t... Please don’t leave me. Everyone else already has. I couldn’t handle it if you did too.”
I breathe in the scent of her lavender shampoo and bury my face in her shoulder. “I won’t. I won’t leave, I promise.”
I remember the note that Dinah wrote, but this time I remember something else.
No goodbyes.
She made me promise that when I was first going to leave, back before Leviathan hit. The idea behind it was that I wouldn’t actually leave for good. It was a promise that I would come back.
At least, I thought it was. Now it feels more like a promise to never leave. It’s easy to make the promise now because it’s one I already made so long ago. It’s easy because the alternative is to leave her, and I don’t think I could do that for anything short of the end of the world.
When did she become so important to me? When did my life start to revolve around her?
When did I start caring more about her than everyone else?
*****
“Chug chug chug-” Aisha chants, eagerly bouncing as Rachel downs an entire bottle of beer in a single swig.
I smile fondly at their antics as I sip from my own drink. I wasn’t originally going to have any, but Lisa smiled and handed me some champagne, so I’ve been sipping it all night. The fact that it’s my third glass isn’t her fault however, as it turns out that I just like the taste and the warm feelings it causes.
My eyes roam across the rest of the New Year party, pausing briefly on the clock to see that it’s only a few moments till midnight. Brian and Alice are sitting next to each other, whispering and giggling through the haze of alcohol. Well, Alice is giggling, and Brian is just smiling fondly and rubbing her back. I’m proud of myself for only being a little jealous at the sight of him moving on.
The Heartbroken are gathered around the television, watching some of the New Years specials. I was worried about them when Aisha first dragged the family into the city but she's done an incredible job at wrangling them. Lily and Sabah slipped away a bit ago, and I’ve politely kept my bugs away from the car they stumbled into. I’m not worried about them driving drunk, largely because it doesn’t look like they’re going to be going anywhere anytime soon.
My eyes come to rest on Lisa, who’s wearing a nice pair of tights and a loose green blouse that matches her eyes. Her hair is tied back in a loose ponytail that she’s idly fiddling with while sipping at her drink. She looks over at me, shooting me a smile and a wink. I feel my face flush and I glance away in embarrassment. Alcohol makes me feel strange. Good, but strange.
I’m glad I stayed. A part of me was planning to leave again. I was thinking of the timing, and how after New Years would be the best time for it. Then I remembered Lisa, her tearful expression the last time she thought she was going to lose me, and I tossed those plans out the window. I hate myself for it, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave Lisa.
Not even to save the world.
I jolt as the clock strikes midnight and everybody cheers. Brian and Alice kiss, and surprisingly, so do Aisha and Rachel. The Heartbroken laugh and tease the poleaxed girl as Rachel marches off towards her dogs as if nothing noteworthy had happened.
I zone out watching people, replying to well wishes in kind as people slowly filter out. Aisha and the Heartbroken leave first, several of the younger members needing to be carried by their older siblings. Rachel leaves next, taking the dogs with her. Brian and Alice exchange a few pleasantries with Lisa and I before leaving.
I frown, looking to the side to find Lisa swaying softly next to me. When did she get close? When did it go from me standing alone at the edge of the party to us standing there together? I mentally shrug and shift my expression into a smile. It’s not like I mind. I like being close to her.
As close as she’ll let me.
“How’d you enjoy the party?” she asks.
“It was alright. Parties aren’t usually my thing, but it was nice to see everyone together,” I respond as my bugs start to sort through the trash.
“Don’t worry about cleanup sweetie, we can take care of that tomorrow,” Lisa says, shifting in front of me and taking my now empty–when did I finish it?–glass and setting it on a nearby table.
She wraps her arms around my neck, still swaying to the faint sound of music emanating from the radio. I blush as I stare down at her, instinctively putting my hands on her waist and moving in sync with her. Her face is flush with alcohol, her freckles popping against the pink blush adorning her cheeks. Her brilliant eyes, green like the ocean on a summer’s day, gaze into mine with a soft sort of intensity.
“Why did it have to be you?” she whispers, fondness and disbelief warring for dominance in her tone.
Before I can ask what she means by that, she’s already pressed her mouth against mine. Her breath tastes lightly of champagne, the same kind that I’ve been drinking. Her lips are soft, far softer than I would have ever expected. One of her hands shifts to tangle in my hair, while the other stays braced on my neck.
I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know what to do, so I hold her close and close my eyes. It feels like forever that we stand here, lips locked in a tender embrace. It feels like hours, even if it’s probably only seconds. She pulls back briefly to gulp down air, her gaze flicking up to my now open eyes.
We stand unmoving, neither of us willing to do more than breathe. I can’t think, can’t process, and I’m not sure I want to. If I think I might ruin this moment. I might find a reason to stop.
Whatever she sees in my eyes inspires her to lean in and kiss me again, and this time I’m a little more prepared. I kiss her back, because I don’t know what else to do. I know my efforts are clumsy. Our teeth clack together, and I almost stumble when she pushes me against the wall. She doesn’t complain, and I do my best to not give her a reason to.
I’m so lost that I don’t notice her dragging me into her room. I do notice when she takes off her shirt, and when she pulls off mine. Neither of us says a word. Instead, I help her undress us both, and we collapse onto the bed together.
She ends up on top of me, legs tangled with mine as her hands cup my cheek and run through my hair. I run a hand across her back, marveling at the smoothness of her skin. The weight of her body presses down against me, and I feel warm, comfortable, safe. I undo her ponytail. Her hair falls over her shoulders and tickles my face. I wrap my arms around her and press our bodies together, hearts pounding to the same beat.
We lay there, bodies entwined, completely silent, exchanging kisses when the mood strikes us, but otherwise just enjoying the closeness.
Is this what sex is between girls? It’s nothing like my experiences with Brian. For all that I enjoyed myself with him, nothing we did ever felt this... intimate. Like we could kiss just for the sake of it. There is something special about this moment, something I can’t describe.
The feel of Lisa’s body against me, the slow beating of her heart, and the way we synchronize our breathing. The way she toys with my hair, and the soft hums of contentment that escape her mouth as I gently rub her back. It’s comfortable, special, and I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else.
I feel her breath slowing, sleep intruding on our moment. I shift to let her lay on the mattress, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my front against her back. She nuzzles against me, laying her arms across mine and relaxing as the day catches up with us.
This feels right, holding her against me. Laying in bed with her, falling asleep with nothing separating us. The kiss felt right, like it was something I had been missing for my entire life up until now. Lisa feels right, like she’s the final piece of a puzzle I didn’t know I was putting together.
I have too many thoughts, too many emotions, and I can’t process the events of tonight. Not yet, not until I’m sober. But, there is one thought that sticks out to me, one truth that rings out through my entire being.
This might be the best night of my entire life, and it’s because Lisa is the one I spent it with.
*****
Things change between us, but not in as drastic a way as I would have thought. We don’t talk about that night, nor any of the nights that followed. We just act like everything is the same, that nothing has changed.
But it has. She pulls me aside and kisses me on a whim. I never know why, and I don’t dare to ask.. When I see her on the couch, tapping away at her laptop, her brow scrunched up with focus, I can’t hold myself back from sitting down next to her and pulling her onto my lap. I hold her close, arms around her waist and head resting on her shoulder as she works. It might be my imagination, but sometimes I think she works faster when I’m there with her. She never pushes me away.
Our nighttime routine is different. I used to sleep on the couch when I stayed over, or she would collapse in my guest room when over at my place. Now, we share a bed. The state of dress varies; some nights we wear normal sleepwear and others we wear... less. Not that we’ve ever had sex–or at least sex as I know it–but sometimes we just need to be close .
Tonight is one of the nights where we wear less. I have a pair of sleep shorts, and she has her panties, but otherwise there is nothing separating our skin as we lay flush under her thin topsheet. As usual, I’m holding her from behind, my fingers tracing soft circles on her stomach and my face half buried in her hair.
“What are we?” I ask, my breath tickling the back of her neck. She’s silent for a moment, but I don’t rush her. There’s a reason we’ve avoided this conversation, even if we both know it can’t be put off forever.
“I don’t know,” she finally says, shifting around to face me. “I never expected anything like this to happen.”
“Neither did I,” I respond, gazing into her brilliant eyes; I never get tired of looking at them. “I like it though,” I add after a short pause. “I think.”
“Me too,” she says with a nervous grin. “I didn’t expect to, but I do. I don’t think I could do this with anyone but you. Don’t think I’d want to.”
My heart skips a beat when she says that, and I need to swallow a lump before I can speak again. “I don’t understand how I feel, just that I don’t want to lose you. Ever.”
“Neither do I,” she says, her voice quiet and soft. “I don’t want you to leave me.”
“I won’t,” I promise, and for once I know with certainty that I mean it completely. I kiss her on the forehead, and she pulls herself tighter against me. I rub my hand across her back, fingers ghosting over the bumps of her spine.
“Partners I think. Girlfriends maybe. The label doesn’t matter to me as much as having you in my life,” she says after a moment, the words rushed like if she didn’t say them, she might never work up the courage. I understand that. Sometimes you just need to do something wrong when nothing feels right.
I nod with a smile, my heart swelling with affection. “That sounds good to me.”
*****
I scowl as I rummage through yet another drawer looking for my missing earring. Today’s a special day, and I don’t want to have to put on a different set. This is the pair Lisa gave me shortly after we first started dating after all.
I was setting aside my clothes for the evening when I noticed it was gone, and since then I’ve been looking everywhere for it. I didn’t even take the time to get dressed in anything more than my undershorts, and I have to keep pushing aside the towel that’s hanging over my shoulders. I should just get dressed, wait for Lisa to finish her shower and ask her to help me, but I don’t want to bother her with something this silly.
Today is a big day, and she doesn’t need any more stress than she’s already going to have. Last time we had dinner with my dad it... didn’t go well. I got into a fight with him, and Lisa got a little bit nasty in my defense. As much as I don’t think my dad deserved that, I can’t bring myself to be mad at Lisa either.
She did it for me, after all.
I glance at my right hand, the ring she slipped on my finger barely a week ago glinting as it catches the light. For all that my dad and I have drifted apart, I still want him in my life. I want him to be proud of me, to be happy for me.
I don’t want him to leave.
I hear the shower cut out as Lisa finishes, and resign myself to asking for her help with my search. I pull open one more drawer on my desk, even if I know I haven’t used it in a long time, and pause at the contents. There’s a worn and wrinkled piece of paper in the drawer, one I haven’t thought of in years. “Cut Ties. I’m Sorry,” it reads.
I stare at it blankly, briefly wondering if I somehow doomed all worlds by not following these directions, before coming to my senses. Jack is dead, killed by an unchained Dragon after we got desperate. As much as Lisa wanted to keep the black box we “liberated” from the Dragonslayers as collateral, I’m not sure we could have won without Dragon’s full power being unleashed. As a bonus, it also gave us legitimacy in the eyes of the Guild, which went a long way to having our organization treated as “Rogues” rather than “Villains.”
As long as we aren’t obvious about our crimes and keep showing up to the Class S events, of course.
Not that there have been as many with Dragon’s new capabilities. She put together a plan with Eidolon which allowed him to land the killing blow on Khonsu. The other four slowed down their attacks as a result, and we’ve only had to deal with one attack every six or so months since then. The most recent of which was actually two weeks ago, and as such we’ve got a long period of time before the next one.
The biggest worry is Scion’s disappearance. He blew up England in the wake of Khonsu’s death, and then just vanished without a trace. We’re still not sure why he did that, or if he’s going to come back and destroy anything else, but each day that passes without his return is just a little bit more hopeful than the last.
How different might things have been if I had left? Where would I be?
“Hey sweetie, what’s up?” Lisa’s voice cuts through my musings as she hugs me from behind. Even after just over three years of dating, I still find myself blushing up a storm at the sensation of her towel clad form pressing against me. I focus on my bugs to center myself, checking on the spiders I have weaving our dresses. Well, my dress and her suit. She insisted on pants.
“I was looking for my other earring, and I found this note from when we saved Dinah way back when,” I explain once I get myself under control, raising the note so she can see it over my shoulder.
She blinks, mind whirring for a second before letting out a soft sigh. “You were planning on leaving us.”
The accusation hits me like a knife to the heart. My response is muted and soft. “Yeah, for a while I was.”
“Why didn’t you?” she asks, and I’m afraid to look at her. Afraid of the hurt I might see in her eyes. I promised I wouldn’t leave, and revealing that I had been planning on doing it anyway? That for months I had expected each moment with Lisa to be the last? I can’t imagine how much that might hurt her. It hurts me, and I’m not the one who was being betrayed.
I force myself to look anyway, steeling myself for whatever emotions she might have for me. Anger, hurt, sadness, I’m ready for anything. Anything except her usual blend of curiosity and amusement. Noticing my stricken expression, her gaze softens and she leans in to give me a kiss. “Taylor, I know you. You’ve had at least three different plans to abandon the Undersiders at different points since I’ve known you. I’m less surprised about this and more that I didn’t pick up on it sooner.”
I swallow, calming myself down as best I can. It’s good to remember that Lisa knows me. Knows the type of person I am, and the type of person I was. I feel her hand rub soft circles on my back, and the tension melts out of me little by little.
“There was always a reason for me to stay,” I say simply, because it was that simple in the end. I had one big reason to go, and a thousand little ones to stay. That, and... “For the record, I never once considered leaving once we started seeing each other. You were always my biggest reason to stay.”
Even before she kissed me that New Years day, I had given up on leaving. I gave up on saving the world, because I had found something more important. Someone more important.
Her eyes widen, and tears form in the corners of her emerald eyes as she breaks out into a wide grin. “I love you Taylor.”
“I love you too Lisa”
When we kiss, everything feels right. The paper flutters to the ground, and I don’t regret ignoring it for even a moment.
Maybe the world will end tomorrow. But right now we have this. And that’s enough.