Chapter 1: So gather ‘round piggies and kiss this goodbye
Chapter Text
TITLE CARD: UNKNOWN TIME
TITLE CARD: UNKNOWN DAY
TITLE CARD: SOMEWHERE ON THE JEREMY BEARIMY
COLD OPEN
INT. WAITING ROOM – MORNING
DEANDRA “SWEET DEE” REYNOLDS opens her eyes. She sits on a bench in a beige-coloured waiting room. She looks around, calmly. From her POV, written on the wall, in huge green letters:
WELCOME! EVERYTHING IS FINE.
She frowns a little at that. A man, with a full head of grey hair, wearing a grey suit, thick black rimmed glasses and a striped navy blue bow tie, emerges from behind a door.
MICHAEL
Deandra? Come on in.
INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
She settles in across a desk from him. He glances at a folder.
MICHAEL
Hi Deandra, I’m Michael. How are you?
SWEET DEE
(in a British accent)
‘Ello love. One’s feeling a bit peckish, methinks, innit?
(beat)
MICHAEL
Oh, I wasn’t made aware that you were British.
Michael checks his folder.
Are you Deandra Reynolds from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania? Born August 18th 1976, from a Barbara Reynolds, who in her last will and testament called you “a disappointment and a mistake”?
She throws her head back while laughing maniacally, then paws at Michael’s folder.
SWEET DEE
(in her regular accent)
Michael! Oh, you’re funny ! Can I take a quick peek at that?
She reads a few sentences from the folder.
Wow! You really need to fire your intel crew. I mean, what is this? “Featured extra in an M. Night Shyamalan film as ‘Corpse 17’”? I was the second lead, FYI. What a typo, guy!
MICHAEL
These notes are clearly handwrit- Deandra. Do you know where you are right now?
SWEET DEE
(she shakes her head)
Did we hook up last night? Aw, man. Hey, check this out: it’s not you, it’s me, etcetera, etcetera. D’you got any beer for the road, guy?
MICHAEL
In a minute.
(beat)
You, Deandra Reynolds, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.
She stares at him, dumbfounded, then hums the chorus to Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi .
SWEET DEE
Dead. Did I die in a fiery blaze of glory? Hey, why can’t I remember how I died?
MICHAEL
Yes, in cases of traumatic, embarrassing, or sudden death, we erase those memories from the deceased.
He checks his folder again.
You drowned in the brig of a cruise ship. Security locked you up in “boat jail” for punching a magician in the face because according to you, you got all hot because she stole your chair by the pool.
SWEET DEE
Goddammit.
(beat)
Wait, is that why I’m here? That was a Christian cruise, right? Is it for what I did to Cricket? Is God punishing me for my wrath? I’m sorry, Jesus!
(stuttering)
I liked your messages. I was always agnostic, man.
Michael reaches out to hold Sweet Dee’s hand for consolation but she quickly cringes and gags at the sight of his wrinkled hand on her’s.
MICHAEL
Deandra, dear, you can calm down. Look around you. Everything is fine! You are not in hell.
(beat)
You’re in The Good Place.
TITLE CARD: THE GANG EXPLOITS THE GOOD PLACE
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
EXT. THE GOOD PLACE – SWEET DEE’S NEIGHBOURHOOD – DAY
MICHAEL and SWEET DEE stroll down an evenly layered path laid with tiny brown pebbles. Trees bearing various fruit, and flowers blooming in every colour known to humanity are remarkable sights to behold.
MICHAEL
The neighbourhood was designed to be a cool, California seventy-eight degrees at all times.
He pauses and delightedly looks to Sweet Dee for a response.
Okay, I’ve been rambling on this tour for long enough now. Deandra, please tell me what you think.
She inhales a long breath of the crisp air.
SWEET DEE
Hey, Mikey, I gotta say, the quaint restaurants, the frozen yoghurt stores, that lady over there who’s walking her poofy white dog. Oh, and the gravel that gives a crunch with every step?
(she lets out a small chuckle)
This sucks, man. This is paradise? Plus, it’s so goddamn bright out here, I’m getting blasted by the sun right now. Also, the omnipotent robot chick that appears from nowhere is a little too I, Robot for me. I’d rather take my chances in hell. Seriously, is there a manager I can talk to and discuss me going to the other other side?
Michael pauses and hesitantly sits on a bench next to a grape vine. The wave of shock that has overcome him almost sends him into a state of comatose.
MICHAEL
I’m sorry, I’ve disappointed you, Deandra.
He rubs his eyes from under his glasses.
Do you know that I designed this neighbourhood myself? It’s my first one, too! Oh, I’m such a failure. You’re not the first resident who’s hated it here, either. Actually, you and ELEANOR are quite similar in a lot of ways.
Michael reaches out to Sweet Dee’s hand again, this time he has gotten hold of both, locking her wrists together in a chokehold while she laughs nervously trying to escape.
Please, tell me how I can make you feel accommodated. This neighbourhood is my only accomplishment. I can kick the poofy white dog into the sun! I did it once before, I don’t mind it, now that I’ve gotten the taste for it.
SWEET DEE
Mikey, sweetie, tone it down. No need to do any of that. The sun is fine, I’ll get used to it. A dead dog won’t fix it. Firstly, let go of my wrists because I can’t feel my fingertips.
Michael lets go of her wrists and stress eats a handful of grapes.
Secondly, where the party people at? All I see are stiffs in capri pants and nerds recycling their paper cups. Why are they recycling? They’re dead.
MICHAEL
Well, Deandra, because all of the residents in The Good Place were good people on Earth, some continue to recycle, some send handwritten, friendly notes, and gifts to their neighbours, almost all abstain from cursing, which is why we added the “No Cursing Filter”.
SWEET DEE
Excuse me? What the fork did you just say?
Michael smirks.
MICHAEL
The “No Cursing Filter”.
Sweet Dee slumps down into the bench next to Michael and mutters incoherently.
As for your first question, there are plenty of residents who enjoy a good party. Such as TAHANI AL-JAMIL, a philanthropist slash model slash humanitarian slash billionaire without borders slash chronic name-dropper. JASON MENDOZA, an EDM DJ from Jacksonville, Florida who was the leader of a sixty-person dance crew. The aforementioned ELEANOR SHELLSTROP from Arizona, once you meet her you’ll understand.
Sweet Dee nods her head slowly, deciding if she’s impressed by the list or not.
And who else? Oh! This was going to be a surprise, but guess who else is in The Good Place?
EXT. MAIN SQUARE – MOMENTS LATER
Sweet Dee and Michael walk to the neighbourhood’s now empty main square.
SWEET DEE
What’s the surprise? Grass? Like, a shirtload of grass?
Michael giggles.
MICHAEL
No, not the 7,309,289 blades of grass I curated for the ideal park experience.
(beat)
One second. Janet!
A being, dressed in head-to-toe purple, a brunette slicked back ponytail, and a large purple ribbon bow tie appears. They resemble a flight attendant but exceptionally more friendly.
JANET
Hello, Michael!
SWEET DEE
Oh, god! Freaky robot chick!
JANET
I am not a chick, and I am also not God. If I were capable of feeling human emotions, your misunderstanding would irritate me.
(smiling widely)
I am also not a robot. I am merely the informational assistant here in The Good Place. You can call me at any time, and ask me anything about any subject. How can I be of assistance?
SWEET DEE
Well, you’re still freaky.
JANET
Okay!
MICHAEL
Janet, please send over our new residents, who arrived the same time as Deandra.
JANET
Okay, Michael!
FOUR PEOPLE appear in the Main Square. A stocky, older man dressed in all white, wearing the uniform of a captain of a ship. Three younger men, one in blue Dickie pants and a grey shirt that reads “BEAST COAST”, the second in a checkered black and white shirt and grey jeans, and the last dressed in a Gilligan’s costume.
JANET
Hello, FRANKLIN REYNOLDS, RONALD MCDONALD, DENNIS REYNOLDS, and CHARLES KELLY!
SWEET DEE
No. No. No. No. Are you forking kidding me? You’re here, too? But this is-
DENNIS
Yeah, yeah, The Good Place, we’ve all seen it.
Sweet Dee screams and swings a fist towards Janet but they reappear behind her.
JANET
Missed me!
Sweet Dee furiously turns to Michael, almost giving herself whiplash, and starts shooing towards Frank, Mac, Dennis and Charlie to leave the Main Square.
SWEET DEE
Hey, Mike. Bud ! ‘Preciate the surprise, you did good.
(stuttering)
If you don’t mind, we’re going to start planning that party you were talking about earlier. It’ll be quite a shindig, send e-vites to the rest of the neighbourhood from me, hon. Hey, Janet would you bloop us out of here?
JANET
Certainly!
END OF ACT ONE
Chapter 2: If life ain’t just a joke, then why are we laughing?
Summary:
"Michael is unbelievably desperate to change this entire place just so that I like him. That guy’s going to be eating out of my divine hands as I design my own paradise. One, you get a poofy white dog, two, you kick that sucker into the sun so that the weather’s to your liking."
Notes:
Chapter title: Dead! by My Chemical Romance.
Chapter Text
ACT TWO
INT. MAC AND DENNIS’S HOUSE
FRANK
Let’s get into some nonsense!
SWEET DEE
Frank, I swear if you weren’t already dead I’d stab you to bits. We forking died because we got into a shirtload of nonsense on that Christian cruise.
FRANK
I don’t recall that.
SWEET DEE
That’s because your memory was erased. You know what, I don’t have time for this. You’re going to ruin my afterlife just like you did my real life.
FRANK
How’d you figure that? I was barely near you when you guys were kids, little girl.
(belches)
Blame your hoof, mother.
(beat)
Your hoof mother. Why can’t I call that bench a hoof?
(belches)
CHARLIE
Frank.
(sniffs)
Are you drinking beer?
Dennis rushes from the kitchen.
DENNIS
Woah, Frank, stop being disgusting in our classy and pristine new house.
Mac shoots Dennis a catty look.
MAC
So, now it’s our house, Dennis?
SWEET DEE
Listen you shirtheads!
Sweet Dee leans in and the gang creates a huddle as she diabolically explains a new scheme.
Earlier I told that nerd Michael to tell the rest of the neighbourhood that we’re having a party. Do you know why I did that?
DENNIS
(slurping from a wine glass of Merlot)
Because you’re an attention hoof and you wanna bang a bunch of beefcake ghosts?
SWEET DEE
(exasperated)
No, stupid. Remember when we did that show of child pageantry then that diddler got busted?
The gang all chuckle while pointing at Frank.
FRANK
What, you think there’s diddlers and titty-bar owners running around this joint?
SWEET DEE
Exactly. All these stiffs and suits will eat up our performances. We jazzed up an entire crowd even though everything that happened after was a bit distasteful.
CHARLIE
Even with Frank’s grotesque and busted up face my performance still holds up.
SWEET DEE
See, if we want to put on a party greater than that we need to be making ourselves believe in our grandiosity. And since I am the only experienced Hollywood actress and comedienne, I will be in charge of all the comedy and the general je né se quoi of the evening. No need for the police to get involved, because everyone here recycles paper cups.
Sweet Dee snickers.
DENNIS
Deandra, I fear your plan has one glaring flaw: you’re not funny! The police will have no choice but to bust us since your comedy is a crime against humanity!
SWEET DEE
Shirt on me all you want. I’m not appreciated in my own time, I understand. Check this out though: Michael is unbelievably desperate to change this entire place just so that I like him. That guy’s going to be eating out of my divine hands as I design my own paradise. One, you get a poofy white dog, two, you kick that sucker into the sun so that the weather’s to your liking. You get it?
(beat)
We’re gonna do a Dee’s Double Drop in The Good Place.
FRANK
That’s my girl.
SWEET DEE
So, exploit The Good Place?
THE GANG
(in unison)
Exploit The Good Place.
CHARLIE
Totally Thundergun.
INT. TAHANI AL-JAMIL’S MANSION – NEIGHBOURHOOD PARTY - NIGHT
Inside the main hall in Tahani Al-Jamil’s Sistine chapel size-mansion, groups of The Good Place’s residents chatter, all dressed for a cocktail party. A banner written in bright, neon pink letters extending wall-to-wall overhead the party reads:
THE NEIGHBOURHOOD COMETH
hosted by Deandra Reynolds
The gang walk through the front door. They pause by the open bar in a row looking like menaces with a cause.
SWEET DEE
I think this castle belongs to that old money philanthropist billionaire.
FRANK
Typical. This house is tainted with Columbian blood money. I’m gonna go find the coke stash. Broads like this probably hide their drugs in their knicker drawer made of gold.
SWEET DEE
Frank! You’re a dumbash! Did you not listen at all during Michael’s tour?
She leans in trying to create a huddle again.
We’re at this party because we’re here to rack up Good Place points to use as incentives to get what we want. That means no raiding fancy, rich lady panties for cocaine! All you have to do is be quiet, and not be a troll person.
FRANK
(raising his hand)
Can I eat all the shrimp from the shrimp cocktails?
SWEET DEE
Sure! Whatever gets you to fall asleep on that oversized ottoman in the corner before the end of the night.
MAC
Wait, what’s my role in all of this?
SWEET DEE
Wow, you guys never listen when I speak to you.
(beat)
Your job is to chat up some beefcakes. Dennis, you too. There must be hundreds of other closeted dudes here. I mean you wound up in here. They even paired you two “soul mates” up in the same house. Maybe God’s a little-
Sweet Dee forms a limp wrist and winks at Mac and Dennis.
You know?
Dennis shifts away from Mac’s side over to the open bar to rifle for red wine.
Charlie, you and I have the hardest jobs of the night. Michael gave me the rundown of the VIPs in this place. I’m assigning you to Eleanor Shellstrop. She’s Arizona trash! You’re Philly trash! Your dirtgrub rat-lizard babies will be stupid beautiful. Lastly, I will be charming a Florida man. His name is Jason, I’ll keep him occupied for a while by asking him questions about the Jacksonville Jaguars.
On stage, Michael clinks a fork against his glass of freshly squeezed orange juice to the party-goers’ attention. He begins to read from a stack of bright, neon pink note cards.
MICHAEL
Come one, come all, welcome to The Neighbourhood Cometh. Hosted by Deandra Reynolds. Everyone give a round of applause to our hostess and resident comedienne “Sweet Dee” Reynolds.
The residents of the neighbourhood share a round of applause as Sweet Dee curtseys and raises her beer bottle to the air toward Michael.
MICHAEL (CONTINUED)
With her hands-on coordination and grace, The Neighbourhood Cometh will forever be known as the night we all experienced what it's like when you listen to the Stevie Nicks song, Leather and Lace, you might even say she should be crowned Miss Congeniality of The Good Place.
From stage right, Janet whispers quietly into Michael’s ear.
Janet wanted me to inform the neighbourhood that Stevie Nicks will not be joining us in The Good Place. Most hippies unfortunately do not.
(beat)
Unlike, Doug Forcett! Hey, everyone, a round of applause for Doug Forcett! He is drinking tepid tap water, and eating kale roots he grew himself in his own garden! Doug, let someone else get some Good Place points!
Michael chuckles, amused by the classy evening banter, the residents applaud for Doug Forcett.
Please continue your applause for our speaker of the night, CHIDI ANAGONYE. Professor of Ethics and Moral Philosophy. But, before I hand the mic over to you, Chidi, I’d like to share a human comedic joke.
As Michael gathers his thoughts, he stuffs the bright, neon pink note cards that Sweet Dee wrote for him away in his pocket.
Janet has studied thousands of hours of Larry David comedies, and taught me the perfect human joke, according to the sitcoms of the 1980s and 1990s.
(clears his throat)
Professor? I hardly know her! Ladies and gentlemen, Chidi Anagonye.
A man, dressed in a cream-coloured sweater vest, white shirt, brown pants, and thick, black rimmed glasses gingerly walks to centre stage. As he speaks breathily into the microphone stand he holds his gaze to his shoelaces and incoherently mutters the intro to his speech.
MAC
(hollers loudly)
Speak up, nerd!
Sweet Dee squeals and glares into the side of Mac’s gel covered head.
CHIDI
(stuttering)
-and that’s what we owe to each other. What we owe to each other is the foundation of moral philosophy.
(composing himself)
As long as we have compassion, a good head on our shoulders and a greater heart for the hardships of others then-
(beat)
-everything will be fine.
Dennis turns to Mac and gossips in his ear like a Real Housewife.
DENNIS
What a load of bullshirt. All he needs is stigmata, to be crowned with thorns, then he’ll be the Mister Jesus Christ of The Good Place. Sure, all you need is a head, shoulders and a communal heart to be a good boy, like Professor Man Tits.
Mac has a lightbulb moment as he stares at the half-full glass of Merlot he’s swirling in his hand.
MAC
(whispers to himself)
Jesus, oh Merlot. You had me at stigmata.
Mac wanders off from the gang and disappears into the rest of the party.
SWEET DEE
Dennis, where the hell is Mac off to?
Dennis shrugs and calls out for Janet.
DENNIS
Hey, lady. Is Brad Pitt in The Good Place yet?
JANET
(smiling widely)
Not a lady. Also Brad Pitt is not coming to The Good Place. Although, I can produce a being that resembles Brad Pitt’s likeness for you.
Dennis follows Janet to the master bedroom to meet his personal Brad Pitt.
SWEET DEE
Dennis, where the hell are you off to? And, where’s Charlie? At least he and I can do our bits.
DENNIS
(distantly)
Charlie’s talking to the hot professor dude. Also, stop talking to me.
SWEET DEE
(in a high-pitched voice)
Oh, come on, you guys. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. Charlie should be talking to that Arizona chick and making himself look like an ash-hole, like when he huffs glue to get-
Sweet Dee pauses mid-sentence. A shorter, blonde woman holding a large bowl of shrimp and a glass of champagne walks up to her side.
-high.
ELEANOR
Hi, to you too, milady.
Sweet Dee holds her silence for a beat too long.
(holding out the bowl of shrimp)
Hope I’m not being shellfish by hogging all the shrimp all night.
Eleanor snorts and chugs the rest of her champagne.
Sorry, I am stupid drunk, man.
(extending her hand for a handshake)
Shellstrop, Eleanor Shellstrop. Pour me a martini, and I could make you a Shellstrop girl for the night. Wink. Oh, did I wink or did I say the word “wink” out loud?
Sweet Dee reciprocates and shakes her hand back.
SWEET DEE
Michael was right. Now that I’ve met you, I understand.
ELEANOR
This party blows. I mean look at this house.
(in a cartoon-y British accent)
Oh, look at me, I’m Tahani, I’m a snooty, beautiful giraffe with perfect skin. Every dress I wear compliments my body perfectly. Mr. Covington, my butler, please shine my stilettos made of gold.
SWEET DEE
Hey, that’s the name of my character who-
ELEANOR
-and Michael. Ugh! That dork is totally cramming my style. He just thinks he’s so perfect. With his perfect neighbourhood, and perfect warm smile.
SWEET DEE
Hey, desert trash.
(points up to the balcony)
Take your giant bowl of shrimp and hand it to that old, bald guy on the balcony who’s ogling those women.
ELEANOR
What, come on! I’m not Arizona trash, I’m a smokeshow!
(belches loudly)
Is it ‘cause I’m drunk? Trust me, I can get much much worse.
(whispers into Sweet Dee’s ear)
I used to work in sales.
SWEET DEE
(sing-songy)
If you do what I say, you can party with me and my gang…
ELEANOR
You’re in a gang?
SWEET DEE
Uh-huh. Some refer to me as the femme fatale of Philadelphia. The rest are my goons, but you're gonna help me execute plan B.
END OF ACT TWO
Chapter 3: Oh, how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying (Stand up fucking tall and never let them see your back)
Summary:
Maybe God has given up on her. Or maybe she believes that she's herself beyond God…to some she is a frail critter, to others she's a monster. On a good day, she's both. On a good day, you have both. Time to rest your defences, and to play your own hand.
Notes:
Chapter title: Our Lady of Sorrows by My Chemical Romance.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
ACT THREE
EXT. MAIN SQUARE – LATER THAT EVENING
The residents of The Good Place are seated in the main square, jazzed for the night's entertainment. Hundreds of chairs are arranged across the grass in front of a Las Vegas concert-sized stage next to the fountain. Fairy lights draped over steel beams as high as skyscrapers tower over the audience. As Sweet Dee walks towards the stage, she waves to the audience, trying her best to mimic Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries. Janet appears next to the clam chowder fountain awaiting their cue. Sweet Dee hits her imaginary mark near centre stage behind a microphone stand. She curtseys to the audience and starts a round of applause for herself.
SWEET DEE
Good evening, residents of The Good Place. I am Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds. The third. Hostess of The Neighbourhood Cometh. I will be performing a dramatic interpretive dance for you all titled "A Fallen Sexy Angel Reborn: All Hail Our Lady of Sorrows".
(beat)
Music and lyrics provided by my homegirl Janet.
JANET
(distantly)
Not a girl.
SWEET DEE
Don’t interrupt.
(smiling widely)
Lights, please! Janet!
A hush falls over the main square as neon pink strobe lights shine from a disco ball, strung by a single row of fairy lights, descending from a steel beam. A spotlight appears overhead on Sweet Dee as she reveals her costume change: a thorny gold and white headpiece in the shape of a halo, a white silk toga draped across her body with a pair of strap-on white angel wings. She gazes directly into the spotlight and motions her body lightly across the stage. Somewhere from inside of Janet, a recording of Michael and Dennis's first conversation in Michael’s office starts playing, as well as a backing track of an 8-bit cover of Clare De Lune performed by Janet, and an acapella cover of Ballroom Blitz by Sweet Dee.
MICHAEL (V.O)
Dennis, do you know where you are right now?
DENNIS (V.O)
I somehow always knew I'd wind up here in the end.
(beat)
This is all Dee’s fault by the way. I tried to warn her about her wrath but she never listens to me. She never listened to anyone.
MICHAEL (V.O)
Well, actually, Dennis, you're in luck, everything is fine, you're in The Good–
DENNIS (V.O)
(interrupting)
You wanna know something, Mitchell? My sister and I were never friends, we were cellmates. Whoever stuck us in the same room together at birth decided that in the end, we will be incarcerated at different times, and yeah, even though we performed different crimes, we'd end up serving time in the same room again.
MICHAEL (V.O)
Oh, that’s…interesting. But, what I wanted to say was that everything is fine! You’re in The Good- No, actually come with me. Come and say hi to your friends! Say hi to your sister! We have frozen yoghurt stores and-
DENNIS (V.O)
(interrupting)
Growing up we were forced to bond because we had no other company besides each other. My whole life the only thing going through my mind was my freedom, and the easiest way to get it. I didn't mind getting my hands dirty, or snitching.
(snorts)
Her whole life all my sister did was lay dog-tired from tiring the dogs. I believed that God thought that being locked up with my sister was a deservedly greater punishment. I believed even greatly that my freedom will one day taste much sweeter once one of us finally escapes. Although, my sister seemingly has no freedom in store for her.
(beat)
Maybe God has given up on her. Or maybe she believes that she's herself beyond God. But, I must give credit where credit is due, the one thing she's best at is the game she plays on the beholder, but most people are unaware of it. Well, how much awareness actually happens in prison anyway. See, to some she is a frail critter, to others she's a monster. On a good day, she's both. On a good day, you have both. Time to rest your defences, and to play your own hand. I guess it's true what they say. Hell is other people right, Mitchell?
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Dennis, I'm trying to explain to you, you're not in hell. And you're not in prison. You're in The Good-
The recording cuts off and a hush falls over the main square again. Two people clap mutedly. Sweet Dee yanks the toga and angel wings off her body and reveals yet another costume change: a bedazzled red and pink leather pantsuit and black cowboy boots. She tiptoes to her mark near centre stage and breathes into the microphone.
SWEET DEE
Eleanor! Now!
From behind the fountain, Eleanor aims a T-shirt canon stuffed with dollar bills to the rest of the party.
ELEANOR
Cash mon-ay!
A small explosion erupts from stage-right and several hundred dollar bills act as confetti to the end of the performance as well as a wave of shrieks from a handful of party-goers.
SWEET DEE
Eleanor, what the fork! I said get a rain machine, not a T-shirt canon full of money!
ELEANOR
Oh, I thought you said "make it rain". I guess you hear what you wanna hear, am I right?
As Sweet Dee gallops off stage to the clam chowder fountain, Michael resumes his role as emcee.
MICHAEL
At least that was dry, right, folks?
(chuckles)
Thank you for that Deandra, and another stellar appearance by Eleanor Shellstrop. Everybody, make sure to hide the rest of the shrimp from Eleanor tonight!
(beat)
Just another human comedic joke. Based on real events. Deandra Reynolds, everybody.
The residents forcibly applaud then scatter from the seating area. Dennis starts to stroll delightedly by the main square as he pockets fists full of hundred dollar bills that lay dispersed across the grass. The only remaining audience member stares blankly towards the stage as they sip slowly from a glass of champagne.
DENNIS
Hey, what did I miss- Holy shirt, you're tall!
TAHANI
Oh, thank you, dear. I really needed to hear that.
(beat)
But, don't let my 6 inch, 46 gold carat stilettos fool you. I am unfortunately the 76th shortest Victoria's Secret Angel.
DENNIS
Angel, huh.
(beat)
Are you British?
TAHANI
(snorts)
What gave it away?
Tahani extends her hand for a handshake. Dennis narrows his eyes at her hand momentarily then slips a hundred dollar bill in her hand. She swats the note out of his hand then attempts to cuss at him in British.
DENNIS
Shirt, sorry. I thought you were standing around, just pocketing some cash. Otherwise, why are you here? And what was Sweet Dee doing on stage?
TAHANI
That poor thing calls herself Sweet Dee? My god. That performance was almost as big of a trainwreck as the 2013 VMAs where my ex-godson Robin Thicke and my ex-sister-in-law Miley decided to gyrate in front of the whole world. Believe me, I went through great lengths to beg her not to go through with it. But you know, kids these days…It's how I wound up drugged on the red carpet after eating cannabis-laced caviar and found 23 red Air Jordans hidden at the bottom of my infinity pool the next morning. Luckily she's in a better place now.
DENNIS
Wait, is Miley Cyrus in The Good Place, too?
TAHANI
Oh, dear, no! They'd never let her in here! She's gyrating away at her Las Vegas residency.
(beat)
And, hey, I'd never say it to her face, but "Miley: Live In Vegas" is somehow a million times classier than this wreck of an evening. Oh, look, speak of the devil. Or shall we say, slutty angel?
Dennis and Tahani barely try to hide their mean girl snickers under their breaths as Sweet Dee rushes by.
DENNIS
Oh, sweet, sweet, Sweet Dee. You know what, I take back everything I said. You are hilarious. I just wish I was here to witness the "je ne sais quoi".
SWEET DEE
Oh, thanks, up yours, too, you little bench.
(pointing to Tahani)
And your new mommy.
Sweet Dee marches towards the clam chowder fountain to meet Eleanor and Janet.
Janet, can you get me out of here?
JANET
(smiling widely)
I don't understand.
SWEET DEE
Get me out of The Good Place, please.
JANET
(smiling widely)
Would you like a tour of your new house?
SWEET DEE
No, I…
(stuttering)
I wanna go home, my real home. I wanna be alone, Janet. I wanna go.
ELEANOR
Dee, come on, it wasn't that bad. Plus, there's nothing a glass of red can't fix, man.
SWEET DEE
I'm not talking to you.
ELEANOR
You're ignoring me now? What, because I didn't get a stupid rain machine?
SWEET DEE
(laughing under her breath)
I was taking a vacation from them. I was taking my dreams back. Eleanor, only an act of God can make me feel worse than I do now.
ELEANOR
Janet, can you take us to Dee's house?
JANET
Certainly!
INT. SWEET DEE’S HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
JANET
Welcome to your new home!
ELEANOR
Come on, Dee, you're not letting this ruin your first day here. I'm gonna go find the kitchen and we'll talk this out over some wine, okay?
SWEET DEE
What the fork is this?
ELEANOR
What?
Sweet Dee stares, horrified, as she scans every inch of her new house. She shuffles forward slowly, mouth agape as she investigates.
SWEET DEE
This house…
ELEANOR
Yeah, lucky you. How come you and Tahani both get mansions and I'm stuck with a clown dungeon?
SWEET DEE
Okay, but why the fork does this mansion look exactly like my childhood home?
END OF ACT THREE
Notes:
This was 100% the hardest chapter to write, and was rewritten over and over until I found what I didn't like about it the first time. If you have any notes/suggestions please comment 'em (this has sorta been making me crazy lol)
Chapter 4: In the land of Gods and Monsters I was an angel living in the garden of evil
Summary:
After finding out she's going to spend eternity in her childhood home Sweet Dee comes to a realisation.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
CHAPTER 4
INT. SWEET DEE'S HOUSE – NIGHT
Sweet Dee reaches for Eleanor's hand.
SWEET DEE
Let's get the fork out of here.
ELEANOR
(reaching for the bottle of Merlot)
Hey, what the he–
(points)
Ah! Hell! No. What? Fork me!
ELEANOR
Hey man, why are you freaking out?
SWEET DEE
This is my mom and dad's house. My mom is dead. My dad is dead. Obviously something is wrong.
ELEANOR
Dee…so what your parents are dead? Look around. Everyone here is dead. Including me. Including you. Including Tahani. Including Chid–
SWEET DEE
Shut up, stop listing people.
(beat)
If my parents are dead. I'm dead. My donkey-brained brother is dead…and I'm living in my dead parents’ house…that only means one thing, right?
ELEANOR
That you've got way worse luck than me? Hey look…cheer up. You'll get over it. It's like bumping into an ex at the dentist. Only grosser and way creepier.
SWEET DEE
Forking exactly, you idiot! There's something messed up about this place! My paradise certainly does not involve anyone from Philadelphia. Or Pennsylvania. Or the entire East Coast.
ELEANOR
Look, I don't feel like cooking up insane conspiracy theories. If there was something wrong with this place I would know. Let's go to my place, I've got better wine.
INT. – ELEANOR'S HOUSE
Eleanor throws her shoes and greets the clown nook inside her house with a thumbs down.
ELEANOR
Baby I want that red!
Janet appears.
ELEANOR
AH!
JANET
Hello Eleanor!
Janet hands a note to Eleanor.
I think this is your's. I found it in my mouth.
SWEET DEE
Do you realise how disgusting you are?
JANET
Nope! Goodbye!
Eleanor and Sweet Dee both read the note. It reads:
ELEANOR – FIND CHIDI
ELEANOR
I'm…so confused.
SWEET DEE
(laughing)
I sure as hell am not.
ELEANOR
This is my handwriting. I wrote this to myself.
(beat)
Hey look. I normally don't trust anyone but myself but I'm starting to trust you. What does this mean?
Sweets Dee holds out her hands and reaches over to Eleanor.
SWEET DEE
Eleanor. This means we're not in The Good Place.
ELEANOR
Holy motherforking shirtballs.
SWEET DEE
Yep.
ELEANOR
You’re a genius.
SWEET DEE
(flabbergasted)
Thank you! No one appreciates me in my own time.
Eleanor looks at the note one more time.
ELEANOR
Well, if I'm just trusting me on this, I said I have to find Chidi. So…let's go to Chidi.
SWEET DEE
Chidi? What, no? No, no, no, no, no. This stays between us. We can't trust Chidi. Who knows what he is? Is he even a professor? Is he even a nerd?
ELEANOR
Well then, what the hell do we do with this insane information?
SWEET DEE
(winking)
You keep an eye on it.
ELEANOR
That's not real advice.
SWEET DEE
Trust me. It is.
ELEANOR
God I wish there was a way out or something. Oh! Janet!
Janet appears.
JANET
Hello!
ELEANOR
Janet, is there any way for us to leave the neighbourhood?
JANET
The only way out of the neighbourhood is by a train. That I operate. It's neat!
ELEANOR
Anywhere that we can stop at after we get on that train?
JANET
There is a woman named MINDY ST. CLAIRE who lives in a neutral zone. Neither a Good Place or a Bad Place.
SWEET DEE
Great Janet, forking taking us there.
EXT. TRAIN STATION – NIGHT
Sweet Dee, Eleanor and Janet rush to the train station and try not to be conspicuous as they aboard the train.
JANET
(loudly)
One way trip to The Medium Place!
ELEANOR
(whispering)
Dude, we said inconspicuous.
Notes:
This is the first chapter I've written in two years. Also im single now, that's why lol.
Chapter 5: Save me darlin', I am down but I am far from over
Summary:
Sweet Dee, Eleanor and Janet arrive at the Medium Place. As Sweet Dee meets Mindy St. Claire she thinks of a new plan.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
CHAPTER 5
INT. TRAIN – DAY
Janet let's the train reach a stop at a Medium train station.
JANET
Your destination is on your left…and on your right.
Sweet Dee and Eleanor look through the windows of the train and see The Medium Place. A beige field surrounds the Medium Station. Janet, Eleanor and Sweet Dee get off the train and start walking in the field.
ELEANOR
Where the fork are we?
SWEET DEE
(exasperated)
Nowhere.
JANET
It looks like my powers don't work here. I guess I'll just walk!
(beat)
I hate this.
After some time passes Eleanor, Sweet Dee and Janet arrive at a house with a sunflower garden. They walk up to the front door and knock. A woman opens the front door.
JANET
Hello!
MINDY
(annoyed)
What?
ELEANOR
Hey, man. Look, I know you don't know us but we need your help. We were–
MINDY
I know who you are, Eleanor.
Mindy opens the door wider and Sweet Dee, Eleanor and Janet walk into the living room.
INT. MINDY ST. CLAIRE'S HOUSE
ELEANOR
How do you know my name?
MINDY
Sweetie, you were just here a week ago. You got off that train, with that chick, and told me you were trying to save your friends or something dumb like that.
SWEET DEE
(snorts)
What friends?
MINDY
I don't know. Oh, you brought that guy who's dumber than a sheet of paper.
ELEANOR
Jason? Why would I be here with Jason?
MINDY
Well, he was trying to have sex with that chick.
Mindy points to Janet.
JANET
I'm not a chick.
ELEANOR
Okay. I need to sit down.
Eleanor sits in the living room. Sweet Dee signals to Mindy to talk privately in the kitchen.
MINDY
You want a beer, hon?
SWEET DEE
Yeah.
Mindy throws the can of beer underhanded. Sweet Dee catches it and opens the can.
Don't call me “hon”. Why did she come here the last time?
MINDY
She was trying to make sure her friends didn't get sent off to get tortured because they're good people or something. Stupid.
SWEET DEE
What friends?
MINDY
I don't know. Some Tahani girl, and a dude that taught her ethics and philosophy.
SWEET DEE
Chidi? He taught her ethics? Why would she let him do that to her?
MINDY
Because…she was trying to not get tortured and stay in The Good Place.
Sweet Dee chuckles to herself.
SWEET DEE
Oh, what a sweet, sweet, sweet little baby.
Sweet Dee looks over to Eleanor.
She didn't know.
MINDY
Know what? That she was into both Tahani and Chidi. Because she definitely was.
SWEET DEE
No…that we weren't in The Good Place. We were already being tortured.
MINDY
What the shit!
SWEET DEE
I know. It's pretty diabolical but pretty good if I must say.
MINDY
Wait, so you guys are supposed to be in The Bad Place?
SWEET DEE
Probably…yes.
Mindy grabs Sweet Dee and pulls her in for a hug.
MINDY
Thank god. I thought you guys were gonna be losers.
Mindy gasps.
MINDY
Do you have cocaine? Please tell me you have cocaine?
SWEET DEE
No. Sorry, hon.
Sweet Dee looks over to Eleanor then whispers to Mindy.
But I've got plan to get us some coke.
Notes:
This chapter's a bit short but more coming soon!
Chapter 6: All I want in return is revenge
Summary:
Dee tries to get the gang in on her plan. Meanwhile, Michael has a plan of his own and surprises Dee with a new resident.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
CHAPTER 6
INT. - MINDY ST. CLAIRE'S HOUSE - DAY
MINDY
So what's your plan? How are you going to get me some cocaine?
DEE
I have to figure out a way to get into Michael's head. Next time I see him he's obviously going to try and torture me. I just have to be three steps ahead of him and not let him get to me. God I don't know if I can do this by myself. Can you leave this place? You've got to get in on this with me. You're pretty cool actually.
MINDY
I fucking wish, man. But I'm not allowed to leave, I could end up in whatever hell you're in. You can visit me anytime. With some coke though. Please.
DEE
I promise when the time is right I'll come back for you. And I actually mean that this time.
Dee looks over to Eleanor.
DEE (CONT'D)
She might be a problem though. She's too fixated on Chidi and her stupid friends. She needs to understand that all she is is Arizona trash and that's all she'll ever be. Fucking ethics and moral philosophy. I mean, what kind of nerd shit is that?
MINDY
(laughing)
Arizona, Jesus Christ.
DEE
If I don't remember you the next time we run into each other please make sure that I don't end up like that.
MINDY
Deal.
They shake hands. Dee walks over to Eleanor and Janet who are sitting in the living room.
DEE
Guys, I think we have to go back to the neighbourhood. I gotta get back to the gang. They're probably freaking out and Charlie might go postal if we don't tell him what's going on.
ELEANOR
Okay, good. I gotta ask Chidi what we should do.
DEE
Now why in the hell would we do that?
ELEANOR
Because…he's obviously the smartest person in the neighbourhood. He'll know what to do.
DEE
Babe, listen to yourself. Remember? I said we don't even know what he could be. He's probably been in on the whole thing since the beginning.
ELEANOR
You're probably right. Okay, Janet, fire up that train.
Eleanor, Janet and Dee greet Mindy goodbye and start their journey back to The Good Place.
EXT. - THE GOOD PLACE TRAIN STATION
DEE
Okay, let's go find the gang.
ELEANOR
I'm gonna go to my house. I need some time to wrap my head around this. Janet, please bring me bottomless margaritas and bottomless shrimp.
DEE
Dude, you're going to get sick. You know what…take all the time you need. I'll see you in a couple of hours.
Janet follows Eleanor to her house. Dee makes her way to Mac and Dennis's house.
INT. - MAC AND DENNIS'S HOUSE
Dee walks into Mac and Dennis's house and finds the rest of the gang there too.
DENNIS
Where the hell have you been?
DEE
I'm actually back in hell.
MAC
What?
DEE
Okay, look. I probably don't have enough time to explain this. Michael's going to be busting through that door any second now. I figured out something major. We're not actually in The Good Place. We're in hell.
MAC
No, we thought we were in hell when we were on that cruise ship. But God obviously showed us that we were meant to end up in heaven. So, shut your forking mouth, Dee.
DEE
Mac, you shirthead. We are being tortured.
DENNIS
If we're being tortured why am I living in the classiest effin’ house in the neighbourhood? Okay, Tahani may have a mansion but I bet in less than a week I'll be sprawled across her double queen-sized bed while Janet waits on me hand and foot. Merlot in one hand, a 90-inch plasma TV on the wall and a hot, British aristocrat doing unspeakable things to me under the sheets.
DEE
Ew, gross! Stop!
DENNIS
You're just jealous.
DEE
Uh, okay. If you're in heaven why is Mac your soulmate?
DENNIS
Well, I- Obviously there's been a mistake. Or they just made us roommates again since we lived together on Earth. Use your head, Dee.
DEE
Right, right. Obviously Michael wanted you to spend eternity with a closeted Catholic who is not only one of the most annoying people in existence but also one of the dumbest people in existence.
MAC
Are you talking about me? I can't help but feel like you're talking about me right now.
DEE
No, no, I was actually talking about Doug Forcett.
MAC
Doug Forcett is gay? And Catholic?
DEE
Uh, yes.
DENNIS
Dee, what's your goddamn point?
DEE
I'm living in Mom and Dad's house. Mom and Dad's house, Dennis.
DENNIS
Oh, shirt.
FRANK
Wait, you're living in my house? You goddamn bench. I'm stuck in Mac and Dennis's goddamn basement. There's not even a window or a fridge for my eggs.
DENNIS
You're living in our forking basement, Frank? No, I'm kicking you out. You can go live in whatever dank hole Charlie's been living in.
CHARLIE
Yeah, Frank. Come live with Jason and me.
DENNIS
You're living with Tahani and Jason? In a mansion?!
CHARLIE
Yeah, it's pretty sweet. There's probably room for you, too, Dennis. There's, like, 3, maybe even, 4 rooms in that house.
DENNIS
It's a goddamn mansion, you idiot. There is one hundred percent more than 4 rooms in there!
MAC
Wait, Dennis, you're actually moving out? But I just decorated.
DENNIS
You mean that picture of your dad? Or that giant Jesus statue? Or that picture of your mom? Or those giant Virgin Mary stained glass windows?
MAC
Yeah. You don't like it?
DENNIS
No, I forking hate it, Mac. You're the opposite of a tastemaker!
FRANK
Do youse two ever shut the hell up? All I hear from downstairs is “Dennis, do you like our house?” “No, Mac, it's only satisfactory!” “Dennis, why do you criticise my decorating skills? Dennis, do you like my karate dojo?” “Mac, get me more red wine. I'm going to get a facial at the spa.”
DENNIS
Hey! Get out of our basement you troll!
CHARLIE
Frank, come on, let's go to my house and curl up. They're just gonna keep yelling.
DENNIS
You belong in the basement, Charlie!
CHARLIE
Oh, I belong in the basement?
DENNIS
Yeah, dirtgrub!
CHARLIE
You take that back, Dennis.
DENNIS
Or what?
Charlie starts lunging towards Dennis.
DEE
(laughing)
You guys are idiots!
DENNIS
What are you laughing about, you bench?
DEE
You're torturing each other right now but you're too stupid to realise it. Why did I think you guys were good enough to help me with my plan?
FRANK
What plan?
DEE
Forget I even mentioned it.
DENNIS
Look Dee, if you're right and if you have any idea on how to get us out of this nightmare, I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.
MAC
So this is a nightmare for you, Dennis?
FRANK
I'm gonna kill you both. I don't know how but I'm gonna try.
Michael bursts through the door.
MICHAEL
(out of breath)
Deandra, I've been looking for you all day. Where have you been?
DEE
Michael, you're here. Of course.
MICHAEL
I couldn't find you or Eleanor and Janet was offline for hours. I thought the whole neighbourhood would fall apart.
DEE
Oh, see, I asked Janet to put a sort of “do not disturb filter” on for me and Eleanor. We wanted some time alone.
MAC
Were you and Eleanor banging?
DEE
(laughing)
Oh! Wow! Uh, no. We wanted some girl time or whatever. And I guess Janet accidentally put a do not disturb filter on herself. I guess she's not the brightest.
MICHAEL
Oh, I'll have to check her settings and make sure that doesn't happen again. Deandra, the reason I was looking for you was because I had a surprise. We have a new neighbour that I wanted you to meet. And if you agree, I think you guys would be perfect roommates.
DEE
Oh, I can't wait to see who that'll be.
MICHAEL
(to a person off-screen)
She's in here! Come on in!
A short, blonde woman walks in.
WAITRESS
Hey, Dee.
DEE
Oh. How perfect is this?
Notes:
A longer chapter to make up for the short one last time haha.