Metallica Groupchat

by theCr0wthatJamz

Summary:

A groupchat with the seven boys!

Notes:

• Inspired by The Lads' Group Chat by rakija_fortuitously

Chapter 1: Cliff No

Textallica

Lars_Ulrich added James_Hetfield to the groupchat

[Lars_Ulrich]: Hello, my sexy beast 😘

[James_Hetfield]: Why

[Lars_Ulrich]: Why don’t you come over and we can have some real fun?

[James_Hetfield]: Help me

[Lars_Ulrich]: I love you, Jamie 🔥❤️

James_Hetfield left the groupchat

Lars_Ulrich added James_Hetfield to the groupchat

[James_Hetfield]: Why do you have to do this to me every time we talk

[Lars_Ulrich]: If Kirk were here, he’d love to fuck me 😤

[James_Hetfield]: Invite Kirk then

[James_Hetfield]: I’m not going to fuck you

[Lars_Ulrich]: Why not?

[James_Hetfield]: Because you fucking stink

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😐😑😐

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😭

[James_Hetfield]: :)

Lars_Ulrich added Kirk_Hammett to the groupchat

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRK

[Lars_Ulrich]: JAMES IS BEING MEAN

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRK

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRKY POO

[Lars_Ulrich]: @Kirk_Hammett

[Lars Ulrich]: @Kirk_Hammett @Kirk_Hammett @Kirk_Hammett

[James_Hetfield]: Stop spamming the chat, he’s probably got better shit to do

[Kirk_Hammett]: Hi Lars :D

[James_Hetfield]: Why do I even try

[Lars_Ulrich]: JAMES IS BEING MEAN

[Kirk_Hammett]: I’m sorry to hear that :(

[Lars_Ulrich]: CALL HIM OUT

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRK

[Lars_Ulrich]: @Kirk_Hammet @Kirk_Hammett

[Kirk_Hammett]: ??

[Lars_Ulrich]: TELL JAMES HE HAS TO FUCK ME

[James_Hetfield]: Please, God, save my soul

[Kirk_Hammett]: No :/

[Lars_Ulrich]: WHY NOT

[Kirk_Hammett]: Rob and I are surfing! :>

[James_Hetfield]: Stop using emojis so much

[Kirk_Hammett]: :(

[Lars_Ulrich]: Look at what you did

[Lars_Ulrich]: You made him sad

[Lars_Ulrich]: Good job

[James_Hetfield]: I need some sanity

James_Hetfield added Clifford_Burton to the groupchat

[Clifford_Burton]: What is this?

Clifford_Burton changed his nickname to Cliff

[James_Hetfield]: Oh shit, I didn’t know you could change your name on here

[James_Hetfield]: But Lars is trying to get me to fuck him

[Lars_Ulrich]: AND HE’S BEING MEAN ABOUT IT AND REFUSES TO FUCK ME BECAUSE I SUPPOSEDLY STINK 🤬

[Cliff]: You do.

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😢

[James_Hetfield]: And apparently I made Kirk “sad” because I told him to stop using emojis

[Kirk_Hammett]: Don’t invalidate my feelings BRO >:(

[Lars_Ulrich]: YEAH, you made him SAD James, don’t brush it off like that

[James_Hetfield]: And now I need sanity, please help me

[Cliff]: And I’m your source of sanity?

[James_Hetfield]: Yes

James_Hetfield changed his nickname to PapaHet

[PapaHet]: Please help me I hate them both so much

Lars_Ulrich changed PapaHet’s nickname to DaddyHet

DaddyHet changed his nickname to PapaHet

Lars_Ulrich changed PapaHet’s nickname to DaddyHet

[DaddyHet]: STOP

[Cliff]: Yeah, you’re on your own with this one.

Cliff has left the groupchat

[DaddyHet]: CLIFF NO COME BACK

DaddyHet added Cliff to the groupchat

DaddyHet changed his nickname to PapaHet

[PapaHet]: Cliff please stay I beg of you

[Cliff]: I’ll need my posse to do so.

Cliff  added Jason_Newsted and Robert_Trujillo to the groupchat

[Jason_Newsted]: Hey what’s yoing on

[PapaHet]: *Going

Jason_Newsted changed his nickname to Master Jason Newsted

[Cliff]: Don’t be a grammar nazi, James.

[Kirk_Hammett]: HI JASE :D

[Master Jason Newsted]: HI KIRK :DDD

[Lars_Ulrich]: Why weren’t you that excited to see me??

[Kirk_Hammett]: It’s Jason :)

Lars_Ulrich changed Master Jason Newsted’s nickname to Newdick

[Newdick]: Y’onow, Lars, O hate your serioisly 

[Kirk_Hammett]: The typos 😭

[Cliff]: Behave, Lars.

[Lars_Ulrich]: You know who we could add :0

PapaHet changed Lars_Ulrich’s nickname to DanishDick

[DanishDick]: Hilarious, James

[Newdick]: It is!

[Cliff]: James and I are hanging out right now and he’s laughing his ass off right now, haha.

[Kirk_Hammett]: I really have to teach you how to use “lol”, Cliff 😅

[Cliff]: No thank you.

DanishDick added Dave_Mustaine to the groupchat

[Dave_Mustaine]: What is this?

[Kirk_Hammett]: Oh.

[Kirk_Hammett]: Hello, Dave.

[Dave_Mustaine]: Hammett.

[Cliff]: This was a bad idea, Lars.

[DanishDick]: They’ll be fine

Dave_Mustaine changed his nickname to DM

[DM]: Is this just all of Metallica?

[Cliff]: Pretty much.

[DM]: Then why am I here?

[PapaHet]: So we can torment you

[Newdick]: Welcome to my world

[DM]: Oh, hey, Jason

[Newdick]: Hi :)

Kirk_Hammett changed his nickname to The-Ripper

[DM]: @The-Ripper

[DM]: 🖕

[The-Ripper]: OH FUCK YOU DAVE

The-Ripper has left the groupchat

[Cliff]: Nice one, Lars.

[DanishDick]: DON’T BLAME ME FOR THIS

[DanishDick]: I did nothing wrong

Cliff has left the groupchat

[PapaHet]: Why did Cliff leave

[DM]: Why, looking for your boyfriend, James?

[PapaHet]: This is why you’re not in the band anymore

PapaHet has left the groupchat

[DM]: Ouch

[Newdick]: Yep, that’s my life at this s pont 

[DM]: Why do you make so many typos?

[Newdick]: ._.

Newdick has left the groupchat

[DM]: Why did you even invite me to this, Lars?

[DanishDick]: To get a blowjob

[DM]: What

[DanishDick]: Oh Daveeeeeeeee 🥺😘

[DM]: Get that gay shit away from me

[DanishDick]: 😩🍆💦

[DM]: You greatly disgust and disappoint me

[DanishDick]: Please don’t leave me Daddy Davey 🥺😢🙏

DM has left the groupchat

DanishDick has added Cliff to the groupchat

[DanishDick]: Hi Cliff :)

[Cliff]: No.

Cliff has left the groupchat

[DanishDick]: OH FUCK YOU CLIFF

[DanishDick]: I’M GOING TO SEND THE FUCKING SWAT TO YOUR HOUSE

[Robert_Trujillo]: What did I miss?

[DanishDick]: Heyyy Rob 😘🔥

Robert_Trujillo has left the groupchat

[DanishDick]: OH FUCK YOU ALL

DanishDick has deleted Textallica

Chapter 2: Kirk And His Edibles

Textallica 2

Clifford_Burton changed his nickname to Cliff

Cliff added Robert_Trujillo, James_Hetfield, and 3 other users to the groupchat

Cliff changed Dave_Mustaine’s nickname to Dave

Cliff changed Jason_Newsted’s nickname to Jason

Cliff changed Lars_Ulrich’s nickname to Lars

Cliff changed Robert_Trujillo’s nickname to Robert

Cliff changed James_Hetfield’s nickname to James

[Cliff]: So we may have a problem.

[Dave]: Other than you having to change all of our nicknames before talking to us?

Robert changed his nickname to Rob

[Rob]: Please call me Rob :)

[James]: Is this really necessary rn @Dave and @Rob

[Lars]: Like you’re helping either, James

[Jason]: Why isn’t Kirk in n thoa groupachat?

James changed Jason’s nickname to Mario

[James]: Lmao

[Mario]: I will beat you with an onch of your life.

[James]: …

James changed Mario’s nickname to Jason

[Rob]: What’s going on tho @Cliff?

[Cliff]: Kirk might’ve accidentally eaten three of my pot cookies not realizing that they were edibles.

[James]: Is that why he isn’t here

[Jason]: Ih this is hilarpis 

Jason added Kirk_Hammett to the groupchat

Cliff changed Kirk_Hammett’s nickname to Kirk

[Kirk]: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii guyssssssssss

[Lars]: Hey, buddy, how you feeling??

[Kirk]: I love you applloopoplloll

[Kirk]: You’re all beautifullllllllllll

[Kirk]: Except you Dave

[Kirk]: You’re fuglyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[Lars]: 💀

[Dave]: 😤

[Jason]: So, Kirk, who’e your favpritist nost amazing bass player that you love oh-so-very much

[Kirk]: Cliffffffff

[Kirk]: He gave me cookies

[Jason]: Those cookies had pot and Cliff screwed you ovet and the answer was supposrd to be me and I hope you hreen out before rotting in Hell

Jason left the groupchat

[Cliff]: Great, now Kirk’s crying.

[Lars]: Kirk is actually crying?

[Cliff]: Yeah.

Cliff added Jason to the groupchat

[Cliff]: Apologize to Kirk.

[Jason]: No

Jason left the groupchat

Cliff added Jason to the groupchat

[Cliff]: I’m not asking again.

[Jason]: Well too bad

Jason  left the groupchat

[James]: Oh shit

[Lars]: 😧

[Rob]: Did he learn this from you @Dave?

[Dave]: Maybe

[Rob]: That isn’t very nice, bro

[Dave]: 🤷

Cliff added Jason to the groupchat

Cliff changed Jason’s nickname to Little Bitch Boy

[Cliff]: That’s going to be your name on here until you apologize to Kirk.

[Little Bitch Boy]: Sucks to me be them 

Little Bitch Boy left the groupchat

[Kirk]: Cliff looks so angri nowwwwwwwww

[James]: He might’ve actually done it

[Rob]: Done what?

[Lars]: Gone past Cliff’s limit

[James]: I’ll see you at his funeral

[Dave]: I’ll meet you there

[James]: No

Cliff added Little Bitch Boy to the groupchat

[Cliff]: JASON CURTIS NEWSTED I AM NOT ASKING AGAIN

[Lars]: Ooo 😮

[Dave]: 😂

[James]: Ooo

[Rob]: That really isn’t mature, guys :(

[Cliff]: APOLOGIZE TO KIRK FOR MAKING HIM CRY OR I’M REMOVING YOU FROM THE BASSISTS OF AMERICA GROUPCHAT

[Little Bitch Boy]: …

[Lars]: Wait, you have a groupchat without us?

[Rob]: Yeah! We talk about bass :)

[James]: Holy shit, you’re worse than Kirk

[Dave]: @Little Bitch Boy you also have to give him a kiss

[Little Bitch Boy]: I’M n not doiny tjau 

[Cliff]: Just because of that now you’re going too

[James]: You might have too, Newkid

[James]: You pissed him off out of proper punctuation

[Little Bitch Boy]: …

[Little Bitch Boy]: Fine

[Little Bitch Boy]: Imm sorry @Kirk

[Kirk]: Thank uouuuuuu 🥰

[Cliff]: And now the kiss

[Little Bitch Boy]: Do I have too

[Cliff]: Yes

[Little Bitch Boy]: 😗

Cliff changed Little Bitch Boy’s nickname to Jason

[Jason]: Thamks

[Dave]: That was a little gay, dude

[Jason]: Youre the on wjo suggexyex it your dumb mothertgcuker

[Lars]: I CAN’T READ THAT 💀

[James]: You’re just an idiot

[Kirk]: Ckifffffffffrfff

[Cliff]: I’m right here, dude, you can just talk to me.

[Kirk]: I just don’t like the sound yor voice

[Cliff]: I appreciate it.

[Kirk]: Can rob come overrrrrrrrr

[Cliff]: You need a nap, bud.

[Dave]: Holy shit, it’s Daddy Cliff

[Cliff]: Please don’t call me that, Dave.

[James]: Are you gonna read him a bedtime story

[Dave]: Lmao

[James]: Lmao

[Lars]: Holy shit, they’re actually getting along 😮

[James]: No we’re not

[Dave]: Yeah, he’s too gay for me to want to get along with

[James]: ._.

[Kirk]: But I want Rob overrrrrrrr

[Kirk]: Don’t sign at leeeeeeee

[Cliff]: Only if it’s okay with Rob.

[Rob]: Ofc :)

[Dave]: You’re excited to see another guy?

[Dave]: Gay

[Lars]: Dave stfu

[Lars]: I will tell them your secret

[Jason]: What secreu?

Dave  left the groupchat

[Lars]: I’ll tell you about it later Jason

[Jason]: Okay

[James]: No you won’t

James left the groupchat

[Jason]: That’s weifd 

[Lars]: No it wasn’t

[Cliff]: I guess it’s okay since Rob’s okay with it.

[Rob]: I’m already on my way there :D

[Cliff]: DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE YOU IDIOT

[Rob]: Sorry!

[Jason]: Oh my fucking hor 🤦

[Cliff]: I need a cigarette, you all drive me insane.

[Jason]: I gottw agree with you on that one

[Cliff] Shut it, Jason, you’re the main reason this time.

Cliff left the groupchat

[Jason]: :(

Notes:

Yes, all of Jason’s typos are intentional, I just keep any typos I make while typing out his messages since I type way too fast. And yes, this is how I imagine Kirk being while high on weed, long words and the occasional typo.

Also I apologize since there might be double spacing in some parts of the fic, but no matter how many times I edit it, sometimes it’ll just randomly come back.

Chapter 3: Hypothetically

Notes:

I WANT TO WARN YOU THAT THERE IS USE OF THE F-SLUR IN THIS CHAPTER, BUT ONLY ONCE SINCE EVEN THOUGH I AM GAY, I TRY NOT TO USE IT TOO MUCH!

Textallica 2

Lars added Cliff, James, and 1 other user to the group chat

[Lars]: So hypothetically

[Jason]: Wheneve your day “hypothetically”, we sould be alsolitely terrified because then it results in somethi g insame 

[James]: Dude you need to go back to elementary school

[James]: Seriously

[James]: It’s getting ridiculous

[Jason]: ._.

[Kirk]: I can be your teacher! :D

[Jason]: I don’t need a yeacher

[Dave]: Why not? You guys could literally reenact every shitty porn video ever made 

[Cliff]: Do you just want an excuse to see your friends reenact your favorite porn scenarios, Dave?

[James]: Lmao he does

[Dave]: No I don’t

[Dave]: And none of you are my friends

[Rob]: :(

[Kirk]: Good

[Jason]: I thiugt we wwre friends?

[Dave]: Okay

[Dave]: None of you are my friends

[Dave]: Except Jason

[Jason]: Yay

[Lars]: SHUT UP 😠

[Lars]: AND LISTEN TO ME 😡

[Lars]: YOU STUPID ASSHOLES 🤬

[James]: Quit being a piss baby and we might

[Jason]: Lmao piss baby

[James]: Holy shit, Newkid gets it

James  changed Jason’s nickname to James’ New Best Friend

[James’ New Best Friend]: :D

[Cliff]: Is this really necessary?

[Rob]: Please don’t call me a stupid asshole, I haven’t done anything wrong :<

[Kirk]: Yeah, Lars, Rob didn’t do anything wrong :(

[Dave]: You are all a bunch of fags

[Dave]: Especially you @James

[James]: 🖕

[Lars]: GUYS

[Lars]: I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

[Cliff]: What is it?

[Lars]: First off

Lars  changed James’ New Best Friend nickname to Daddy Jase

[Daddy Jase]: What

[Lars]: Hypothetically

[Lars]: If I were to organize a band orgy

[Dave]: No

[James]: Absolutely not

[Lars]: HEAR ME OUT 😤

[Daddy Jase]: We are not hearing your out; this is ab studpi idea and I al not participating in it

[Cliff]: What Jason said. Just with less typos.

[Daddy Jase]: Cliff

[Daddy Jase]: I love you

[Daddy Jase]: I and I know uou know

[Cliff]: I do. And I love you too.

[Daddy Jase]: But is mow really the time to be piinting my out my typis?

[Cliff]: No.

[Daddy Jase]: Then pleaae don’t

[Cliff]: Okay, Daddy Jase.

[Lars]: HE ACTUALLY SAID IT 🤯

[James]: Holy shit

[Dave]: This is really fucking gay

[Kirk]: :0

[Rob]: :00

[Kirk]: :000

[Rob]: :0000

[Kirk]: :00000

[James]: Okay, stop before this becomes a whole thing

[Lars]: But come on! A band orgy could be fun!

[Dave]: How

[Lars]: With Kirk and his beautiful, adorable, boyish face ☺️

[Kirk]: I feel harassed 🤢

[Kirk]: Please don’t talk about me like that 😖😓

[Lars]: With Cliff and his

[Cliff]: Describe anything about me and I will leave this group chat and block your number.

[Lars]: Big

[Lars]: Juicy

[Lars]: Dick 🥵

Cliff has left the group chat

[Lars]: And Jamie 🥰🔥

[James]: Oh no

[Lars]: What could I say…

[James]: Please God save my soul

[Lars]: There’s so much I could say about my lovely best friend 😘

[James]: This is the only thing that could ever scare me

[James]: Please help me

[Dave]: I’m actually scared for you

[Lars]: James and his sexy face

[Lars]: And his sexy voice

[Lars]: And his sexy body

[James]: I’m going to gouge my eyes out

[James]: And then puke on them

[Lars]: Why don’t you spend that time on coming over instead 😩

James  has left the group chat

[Lars]: And Rob with his long bass playing fingers 😏😉

[Rob]: :(

[Rob]: I regret joining this band

[Lars]: And Jasey

[Daddy Jase]: No

[Daddy Jase]: I refuse

[Daddy Jase]: I’m not getting harassef like the rest of tem 

[Daddy Jase]: Plewase spaee me

[Daddy Jase]: I bey of your

[Lars]: He’s so amazing

[Lars]: And sweet

[Lars]: And he’s so sensitive too

[Lars]: And he knows how to cook and would be able to take care of me 🥰❤️

[Daddy Jase]: I hate how intomate youe triwD to mape that

[Lars]: And Dave

[Dave]: Oh God

[Lars]: He’s

[Lars]: He can join in if he wants

[Dave]: I don’t know if I should be more offended that you were able to think of something for everyone except me or that you thought I’d be upset for not being included

[Kirk]: Yeah, we’re putting you in time out 😟

[Lars]: Yes, please, punish me 😏😩

[Kirk]: …

[Kirk]: Yeah, I’m out of here

[Kirk]: Later 🖕

Kirk  has left the group chat

[Daddy Jase]: I onew thos woud be a disasyer 

[Lars]: So no orgy?

[Rob]: You’re ridiculous 🤦

Chapter 4: *insert done Cliff inhale*

Notes:

R-SLUR (kind of) WARNING AHEAD!!

Textallica 2

Lars added James, Cliff, and 1 other user to the group chat

1 user cannot be added to the group chat since he has 1 or more users blocked in this chat

[Kirk]: HE ACTUALLY DID IT HOLY SHIT XD

[Jason]: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

[Rob]: What’s going on?

[James]: I don’t blame him

[Kirk]: CLIFF BLOCKED LARS XD

[Rob]: Oh

[Rob]: xD

[Lars]: THAT SON OF A BITCH

[Dave]: Lmfao

[Lars]: JAMES

[James]: What

[Lars]: GET CLIFF TO UNBLOCK ME

[James]: Why does it have to be me

[James]: Why can’t it be someone like

[James]: I don’t know

[James]: Kirk

[James]: Or Jason

[James]: Or Rob

[James]: Or someone who he hangs out with all the time and not me

[Lars]: I SEE HOW HE LOOKS AT YOU

[James]: Dude what

[Lars]: HE HAS THE HOTS FOR YOU

[Lars]: SO FUCK HIM

[Lars]: OR HAVE HIM FUCK YOU

[Lars]: OR WHOEVER TAKES IT UP THE ASS

[Lars]: I PERSONALLY THINK IT’S YOU

[Dave]: It is

[James]: Motherfucker

[Jason]: Lol

[Jason]: Wait, jow do you know that?

[Dave]: He looks like the type

[James]: Can we stop talking about me fucking people

[Lars]: JUST GET HIM TO UNBLOCK ME

[James]: Jfc fine

James_Hetfield  and Cliff_Burton Private Messages

[James]: Hey

[Cliff]: What’s up?

[James]: Can you please unblock Lars

[James]: He’s up my ass right now

[Cliff]: He harassed everyone. He can kiss my ass.

[James]: Are you really that mad

[Cliff]: Yes.

[James]: If I tell him to behave himself will you unblock him

[Cliff]: Fine. Yes.

James_Hetfield  and Lars_Ulrich private messages

[James]: Sup princess

[Lars]: DID YOU GET HIM TO UNBLOCK ME??

[James]: Yeah

[Lars]: This is why I love you 🥰

[James]: On one condition

[Lars]: ??

[James]: You have to behave yourself

[Lars]: I always behave 😤

[James]: No you do not

[James]: He literally threatened to block you because you tried to organize a band orgy

[James]: And then went through with his threat when you started describing his dick when he asked you not too

[Lars]: 🖕

[Lars]: That is not how it went

[James]: That is exactly how it went

[Lars]: Okay, MAYBE

[Lars]: But shut up

[James]: Just behave yourself you fucking nimrod

[Lars]: Fine

Textallica 2

[James]: Alright

[James]: Someone try to add him back

Kirk added Cliff to the groupchat

[Cliff]: Sup, guys.

[Kirk]: Hi Cliff :D

[James]: Not again

[Jason]: Oh byw @Cliff, ate wy syopp onn for Saturday

[Cliff]: Maybe, but I’ll probably have to borrow one of your distortion pedals if we’re still jamming.

[Jason]: @Rob do you think yoi could bring an exteq distorion pedal for Cliff, I don’t have any spare ones

[Rob]: 👍

[James]: Oh my fucking God

[Kirk]: You guys are jamming on Saturday?

[Rob]: Yeah, it’s gonna be fun :D

[Kirk]: Can I come?? You guys are all such good bass players :)

[Dave]: Complimenting another man?

[Dave]: Gay

[Kirk]: Well I’m sorry your mom never fucking loved you, you ugly duckling.

[James]: DAMN 💀

[Jason]: HE HELD NO PUNCLES 💀

[Rob]: I don’t want to laugh, but I’m doing it anyway <:)

[Dave]: I hate you all

[Rob]: But yes, @Kirk you can come, we’d love to have an audience :)

[Jason]: Wait, where’s Lats

[Jason]: He hasn’t been here since Cliff has been invited back

[Cliff]: @Lars

[Cliff]: Lars.

[Lars]: Yes?

[Cliff]: Lars Ulrich

[Lars]: Yesssssss? 🥰

[Cliff]: I have one question for you why did you send me a dick pic

[Jason]: He didn whai 

[James]: I told you to behave yourself you fucktard

[Lars]: I don’t know what you’re talking about??

[Cliff]: YES YOUR FUOJY DO YOU SENT ME A FICL PIC A SECONE AGO AND I’D BE LEAS PISSEF IF IT WASN’T SO DMAPP

[Dave]: Lmao get fucked

[James]: You actually pissed him off out of proper punctuation, he’s using all caps, and he’s making Jason-worthy typos

[Jason]: Hey’!

[James]: You fucked up this time

[Cliff] SHUT THE FICK UP JAMES THE AUTHOR CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE PERFE T SINNG FOR ME

[James]: What author?

[Lars]: I don’t know what you’re talking about, dearest Daddy Cliff 🥰

[Cliff]: [Lars-Tiny-Penis-Pic_08579]

[Rob]: WOAH NOT IN THE GROUPCHAT

[Dave]: And now I provide free bleach to anyone who needs it because I’m going to use it on my once pure eyes

[James]: I’ll take you up on that offer

[Kirk]: Me too, bro 😰

[Lars]: But Kirky-Poo, I thought you loved me 🥺

[Kirk]: Not enough

[Cliff]: You know what

[Cliff]: I’m not mad

[Cliff]: I’m going to take this opportunity while I still have it

[Lars]: YOU’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO FUCK ME 😃😩🥰❤️🔥

[Cliff]: Not exactly

[Cliff]: I’m posting it to Instagram

[Lars]: You wouldn’t 😤

[Lars]: You don’t even use Instagram

[Kirk]: Uh

[Kirk]: Lars

[Lars]: Yeah??

[Kirk]: |Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich’s Nudes Have Just Been Leaked By Ex-Metallica Bassist Cliff Burton - Loudwire|

[Lars]: CLIFF YOU TRAITOR

[Cliff]: Karma’s a bitch

[Jason]: This is too crazi, even for me

[James]: For once, we can agree on something

Chapter 5: Hashtags

Textallica 2

[James]: Guys I finally got Instagram can you follow me

[Rob]: Yeah sure! :)

[Kirk]: What’s your Insta?

[James]: |PapaHet-Home Page|

[Kirk]: I just followed you! :D

[James]: Why did you follow me Dave

[Dave]: You asked us too jackass

[James]: Why do you have so many posts about me

[Dave]: I don’t know what you’re talking about

[James]: @Kirk help me

[Kirk]: What’s wrong??

[James]: I can’t figure out how to share posts

[Kirk]: It’s that little paper airplane thing

[James]: Thx

[James]: |Dave_Bestaine-Post-James Hetfield Sucks-#Jamessucks #Daveisthebest|

[Dave]: That isn’t me

[Dave]: But that is true

[Cliff]: I just followed you, James.

[James]: Why do you still have Lars’ dick pic on here

[Lars]: WHAT 😰

[Cliff]: Cause Loudwire is paying me for every day I have it up.

[Lars]: TAKE IT DOWN RIGHT NOW CLIFFORD LEE BURTON 🤬😰🥺

[Cliff]: Nah, man, I’m making a lot of money off of this.

[Lars]: THIS HAS TO GO AGAINST A LOT OF CONSENT AND PRIVACY LAWS

[Cliff]: It does. But I could care less. I’m making weed money.

[Lars]: CLIFF 😭

[James]: That sucks man #nogood

[Dave]: What the fuck was that

[James]: What

[Kirk]: James, buddy, did you just use a hashtag over text?

[James]: Yeah why

[Rob]: You’re not supposed to use hashtags over text 😅

[James]: #idgaf

[Jason]: Whau the ficp dod I cole bacp too

[Cliff]: James discovered the wonders of Instagram.

[James]: #random #goofyshit

[Dave]: I’m actually going to kill myself

[Dave]: This is so dumb

[Kirk]: I hope you do

[Kirk]: No balls

[Rob]: KIRK

[James]: #rip

[Rob]: JAMES

[Dave]: I feel so loved around here

[Jason]: Whay about me??

[Dave]: You don’t count

[James]: Jason never counted #andjusticeforjason

[Rob]: Be nice you guys :(

[Jason]: I hate you so much

[Lars]: Okay but like

[Lars]: We need to fix James’ hashtag issue

[James]: We don’t need to fix anything #snowflake

[Lars]: DON’T CALL ME A SNOWFLAKE YOU MOTHERFUCKER 😤🤬

[Jason]: I physically do not have the energp for this today

[Lars]: Wait

[Lars]: @Cliff

[Cliff]: What’s up?

[Lars]: You tell James not to use hashtags anymore!

[Cliff]: Sure, but what’s in it for me?

[Lars]: Let’s say that we work together

[Lars]: If you can successfully get him to stop using hashtags

[Lars]: I’ll give you as much weed as you want

[Lars]: But you have to take the post down that has my dick pic in it

[Jason]: Thei ate actoappy negotiatopn thos 🤦

[Rob]: I feel you on that one :/

[Dave]: Me too

[Cliff]: Fine.

[Cliff]: I just deleted the post and got the email from Loudwire that they wouldn’t send me money anymore.

[Lars]: Someone check his Insta to make sure he’s being honest

[Kirk]: On it

[James]: #stupidshit

[Kirk]: He’s being honest :D

[Cliff]: Stop using hashtags, James. This isn’t an Instagram or Twitter post. No one is going to tap the hashtag to see other posts with that tag.

[James]: Damn, okay

[Lars]: Wait?

[Lars]: It worked??

[Lars]: Just like that???

[James]: Yeah

[James]: I respect Cliff more than I respect you

[Lars]: TF JAMES

[Kirk]: 😭

[Rob]: Damn, bro, that’s cold 😔

[Dave]: I would too ngl

[Lars]: FUCK YOU DAVE

Lars  has removed Dave from the group chat

Cliff has added Dave to the group chat

[Cliff]: Let’s not start this drama or I will make a detention chat for the both of you.

[Lars]: Yes, daddy, please punish me

[Cliff]: I hate you.

[Dave]: Me too

[Jason]: Me theew 

[Lars]: I didn’t think you could count that high, silent killer

[Jason]: I didn’t knpw ypur cpuld cpunt wihtput your sticks, drummer boy

[Lars]: ☹️

[Dave]: ATTA BOY

[Jason]: 🙂

[Cliff]: So I am very desperate at the moment. Could one of you please send me your dick pic so that I could get more money off of Loudwire? I’m already broke.

[Rob]: DUDE 😰

[Jason]: OH GOD LARS HAS RUBBED OFF ON YOU

[Kirk]: Cliff no 💀

[James]: #no #thatsucks

[Lars]: JAMES

[James]: #getfucked

Chapter 6: The Truth Has Been Told

Notes:

And here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

Textallica 2

[Lars]: Guys

[Lars]: I have something to tell you

[Kirk]: What’s up?

[James]: If it’s some stupid, #gay , and/or horny shit I will remove you from this chat

[Dave]: I second that

[Cliff]: I agree.

[Lars]: Well you know what 😤

[Lars]: You can’t even remove me from the chat since I made it

[Lars]: Fuckfaces 🖕

[Rob]: What’s going on??

[Cliff]: Lars wants to tell us something.

[Rob]: Oh cool! :>

[Jason]: But knowung Lays it foule be ab bar thg 

[Rob]: …Oh

[Kirk]: Hi Jase! :D

[Jason]: Hi Kirk :D

[Dave]: This is already gay and Lars hasn’t even started talking yet

[Kirk]: It’s called “having friends”, Dave

[Kirk]: Not like you would know

[James]: 💀

[Lars]: GUYS

[Lars]: You ready for the news??

[Cliff]: Sure.

[Kirk]: Yep!

[Dave]: No

[Kirk]: Shut the fuck up, Dave

[Rob]: What is it, Lars??

[Lars]: I have a new drum line!! 😄

[James]: You can recommend it to us at the next rehearsal #metal

[Dave]: That was it?

[Lars]: Don’t you “That was it?” me, Dave 🤬

[Lars]: I am an awesome drummer!!! 😤

[Dave]: Lars, you claim to be this awesome drummer

[Dave]: But your lines are supposed to sound like

[Dave]: Buh-dah-bum-duh-bah-duh-dum

[Dave]: But your lines sound like

[Dave]: Too-doo-loo

[Kirk]: TOO-DOO-LOO 💀

[James]: Lmfaooooooo #funny

[Lars]: NOT YOU TOO KIRK 😭

[Cliff]: I gotta admit, that was funny.

[Rob]: Yes it was xD

[Lars]: You know what

[Lars]: No, I’m not gonna take this ABUSE

[Lars]: I’m just not gonna keep my mouth shut anymore

[Dave]: What do you mean by that

[Lars]: You’ll see…

Lars_Ulrich  and Jason_Newsted Private Messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: So, Jasey…

[Jason_Newsted]: Oh lorf 

[Jason_Newsted]: *lord

[Jason_Newsted]: Whau do youw want

[Lars_Ulrich]: So I’ve seen how you and Dave act with each other…

[Jason_Newsted]: Okay? Andl?

[Lars_Ulrich]: I know you two are dating…

[Jason_Newsted]: Well

[Jason_Newsted]: I can’t evem deni it

[Jason_Newsted]: We ate 

[Lars_Ulrich]: So there’s something you should know about your lovely boyfriend…

[Jason_Newsted]: ??

Textallica 2

[James]: I think you actually pushed him past his limit @Dave

[Dave]: He’ll live

[Cliff]: He seemed pretty pissed at you, Dave. You might’ve fucked up badly this time.

[Jason]: DAVE WHAT THE FUXK IS WRONG WITB YOU

[Dave]: ?

[Lars]: >:)

[Cliff]: What’s going on?

[Rob]: What did I miss?

[James]: Looks like Newfag is about to yell at Dave #loser

[Rob]: Damn, that sucks :(

[Cliff]: Where’s Kirk? He’d usually put in his input by now, especially seeing that his best friend is the one blowing up at somebody.

[Rob]: Oh, he’s cuddled up with me and sleeping on the couch rn :)

[Rob]: I just didn’t want to wake him up

[Lars]: Awww

[Lars]: That’s so sweet

[James]: That’s so #gay

[Cliff]: I thought you and Kirk weren’t dating?

[Rob]: We’re not

[Cliff]: I’m just going to stop questioning you people and move on with my life.

[Jason]: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YHAT YOU AND JAMES YOSEF TO FUCK

[Dave]: We didn’t

[Jason]: THEN eeEXPLAON THOS

[Jason]: [James-&-Dave-Blackmail_57193]

[Jason]: [James-&-Dave-Blackmail-2_11113]

[Jason]: [James-&-Dave-Blackmail-3_64696]

[Lars]: Surprise!! 🥳🎉

[Rob]: 😨

[Dave]: LARS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

[James]: …

James  has left the group chat

[Cliff]: So not only did James claim to hate Dave, Dave claimed to be homophobic and be repulsed by men, and now I’m looking at pictures of them making out and fucking. I have officially seen it all.

[Kirk]: WOAH

[Kirk]: HOLY SHIT

[Dave]: Listen, Jase, I can explain myself

[Dave]: Let me call you or come visit so we can talk

[Jason]: NO YOU KNOW WHAU

[Jason]: THERE IS NOTHILG TO EXPLAIN

[Jason]: I’M JUST YOUR REBOUND AFTER THE MAIN ATTRACTON DIM’T WANT YOU ANYMORE

[Dave]: That isn’t it at all! Let me call you

[Jason]: NO

[Jason]: WE’re DONE

[Jason]: JIST GO BACP TO JAMES

Jason  has left the group chat

[Dave]: …

[Lars]: Oh no

[Lars]: Dave, I’m so sorry

[Dave]: Save it

[Rob]: Jason seems pretty devastated rn, I’m going to go comfort him <:(

[Rob]: I’m sorry, Dave

[Cliff]: Wait, so you and Jason are together?

[Dave]: Not anymore, I guess

[Lars]: I didn’t mean for this to happen, Dave, I’m sorry

[Dave]: Just shut the fuck up, Lars

Dave  has left the group chat

Chapter 7: The Heartbreak Mini Trilogy Part 1/3: Jason’s Side

For Jason

Clifford_Burton added Jason_Newsted, Kirk_Hammett, and 1 other user to the group chat

[Kirk_Hammett]: So catch me up, what the hell happened?

Clifford_Burton changed his nickname to Cliff

[Robert_Trujillo]: So basically Dave and Jason used to date

[Kirk_Hammett]: What???

Cliff changed Jason_Newsted’s nickname to Jason

[Robert_Trujillo]: Yeah, I was shocked too ngl 😶

[Kirk_Hammett]: So then what happened??

[Robert_Trujillo]: So then apparently James and Dave used to fuck

Cliff  changed Kirk_Hammett’s nickname to Kirk

[Jason]: 😭

[Cliff]: Really, guys?

[Robert_Trujillo]: Sorry, Jason :(

[Jason]: HPW CAL HE DO THPS TO ME

[Kirk]: I feel so bad, Jason, I’m so sorry :((

Cliff changed Robert_Trujillo’s nickname to Rob

[Cliff]: Talk about this in your own messages or something.

[Rob]: Jason needs us right now!!

[Cliff]: What Jason NEEDS right now is to calm down and talk to Dave.

[Jason]: DON’t EVEL DA HOS NAME

[Cliff]: Oh my lord, please help me.

[Cliff]: Jason, are you sure that this may not have been a rash decision? Sure, Dave fucked up, but you two seemed to be strong together. Especially if Dave was making an effort to try to fix things when you initially found about the whole situation.

[Jason]: WHI WOUD HE FUCL SOMETOME ELSE BEHD MY BADO

[Cliff]: But he technically didn’t.

[Rob]: I love you, Cliff, but I don’t think this is helping right now, he’s really upset :((

[Kirk]: Oh my poor boy!! 🥺

[Kirk]: Do you want me to come over with some snacks and ice cream and horror movies and you can cry to me all about it?? <:)

[Jason]: Yeah…

[Rob]: Is there anything I can do to help??

[Jason]: BRIMG DAVEY BACP I MOSS BIM SO MUCCCFFFFFHH

[Rob]: I’ll bring the weed

[Cliff]: No, that isn’t going to help at all.

[Cliff]: If someone isn’t in a good headspace when they get high, the feeling is likely going to get worse during the high.

[Cliff]: I like Kirk’s idea. Rob, you can still visit, of course. Just no weed.

[Rob]: Doesn’t Jason have his own weed??

[Jason]: IT’A ALLLL AT DAVESSSDSSSS

[Cliff]: Oh my lord.

[Kirk]: I have everything, I’m omw now Jason!! 😊🥰😙

[Jason]: I LOVE YOUE SP MUCH THANP YOU MIRPPP

[Rob]: Mirppp 💀

[Kirk]: I think it’ll be a good idea if Rob stays behind this time around. But how about you tell him about how you’re feeling?

[Kirk]: I really shouldn’t be on my phone anyway, I’ll be driving in a minute

[Rob]: How about we just remove you from the chat since this’ll just be temporary anyway??

[Kirk]: That would be appreciated, thank you Robbie 😘

[Rob]: Ofc Kirky-Poo 😘

Rob removed Kirk from the group chat

[Jason]: YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE OTHETHERRR

[Rob]: Kirk and I are not together 🫣😳

[Cliff]: Rob, it doesn’t seem that way.

[Jason]: I WISH I HAD THATYYYYY

[Rob]: But you do!

[Rob]: You and…

[Rob]: Redhead

[Jason]: Thank youuu :’)

[Rob]: You guys are just having a rough patch rn!! I’m sure if you talked it out, then y’all will be able to figure this out

[Jason]: Bur why wouldn’t he tole me about this??

[Cliff]: I know this is going to suck, but put yourself in Dave’s shoes for a second.

[Cliff]: He seemed to have dealt with so much internalized homophobia throughout his life.

[Cliff]: Hell, I’m guessing he made you keep the relationship you guys had a secret?

[Jason]: Yeah??

[Cliff]: Now, did you ever question why that was?

[Cliff]: In spite of the fact that the most homophobic thing any of us said was James calling Lars gay or Dave calling Kirk a faggot?

[Cliff]: In spite of the fact that there were openly queer people in the chat?

[Cliff]: In spite of the fact that Lars openly flirts with everyone, especially Kirk?

[Cliff]: In spite of the fact that there’s… other secrets a certain pair of bandmates of ours may be hiding?

[Rob]: I HAVE TOLD Y’ALL A MILLION AND ONE TIMES THAT KIRK AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER 😤😳

[Cliff]: But my point being that Dave was likely experiencing a lot of internalized homophobia. That would also explain why none of us knew about him and James’ previous relationship.

[Jason]: …I never thought about it like that

V[Responding To: [Cliff]: Jason, are you sure that this may not have been a rash decision? Sure, Dave fucked up, but you two seemed to be strong together. Especially if Dave was making an effort to try to fix things when you initially found about the whole situation.]

[Cliff]: And now you see what I mean when I said this?

[Jason]: I giess so

[Jason]: Bot when did you learl to dp that?

[Cliff]: Kirk taught me.

[Jason]: Oh

[Jason]: Bot jow so I go aboit afhressing thos with him?

[Jason]: I basicalpy ended the relationshp withoit givint hil a chance to explain himself

[Cliff]: That is a good question.

[Rob]: So you think you have this figured out??

[Rob]: Problem solved???

[Jason]: Apmost 

[Jason]: Hpw do I try to salvaort tjings?

[Cliff]: I’ll text him at some point tonight and talk to him about how he’s feeling about this whole thing. I mean, I’m kind of doing that now. But I wouldn’t talk to him if he’s still as upset as he was when you dumped him.

[Jason]: Fuck, right

[Jason]: I really hope he’s okau

[Rob]: You two will get past this, I know it :)

[Jason]: Thanks’, Rob :))<

[Rob]: Anytime buddy

[Rob]: But is Kirk still on his way to your place????

[Jason]: SHITTT

[Jason]: I’ll let him kmow that he doesn’t have to styop bu anymore, can you delete the chat @Cliff

[Cliff]: Yeah, it’s no problem.

[Jason]: Thank you

Cliff  has deleted For Jason

Kirk_Hammett and Jason_Newsted Private Chat

[Jason_Newsted]: Hey, man, they got everythimg figired out so ypu don’t have to store by is you don’t want to

[Kirk_Hammett]: It’s okay!! We can still hang out and eat snacks and watch horror movies since I already bought everything :D

[Jason_Newsted]: Okay, cool!

[Kirk_Hammett]: But I won’t be able to stay for too long

[Jason_Newsted]: That’s fine, is everybtikg okay??

[Kirk_Hammett]: Yeah, Rob and I just have plans for tonight

[Jason_Newsted]: LIKE A DAYE??? :0000

[Kirk_Hammett]: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO 😳😳😳

[Kirk_Hammett]: IT’S NOT A DATE!!!

[Jason_Newsted]: But you want it to be 😏😏😏

[Kirk_Hammett]: STFU!!!!

[Jason_Newsted]: I have so many wuestions for when you get hete

[Kirk_Hammett]: …

[Kirk_Hammett]: Fuck

Notes:

What is y’all’s go to appearances for how you imagined them all? Here’s mine:

James: Master Of Puppets
Lars: Kill ‘Em All
Dave: Countdown To Extinction
Kirk: Metallica
Cliff: Ride The Lightning
Jason: Metallica
Rob: Lights… Camera… Revolution!

And holy hell, I started writing this chapter back in DECEMBER. So I am so sorry that I made y’all wait so long, but here’s part 1/3!

Chapter 8: The Heartbreak Mini Trilogy Part 2/3: Dave’s Side

For Dave

Clifford_Burton added Dave_Mustaine and James_Hetfield to the group chat

Clifford_Burton changed his name to Cliff

Cliff  changed Dave_Mustaine’s name to Dave

Cliff  changed James_Hetfield’s name to James

[Dave]: I COULD KILL THAT LITTLE BASTARD I SWEAR TO GOD

[James]: I thought we had more privacy than that, how could you not notice him?!?!?!

[Dave]: YOU DIDN’T NOTICE HIM TO EITHER YOU BLIND PIECE OF SHIT!!!

[Cliff]: Okay, hold on. I need an explanation on the timeline, now.

[James]: Timeline of what

[Cliff]: I need an explanation on when this relationship started and ended and when the relationship between Dave and Jason started.

[James]: We weren’t together

[Cliff]: Then what was that?

[Cliff]: Because you two certainly seemed together.

[Dave]: It was a fling, smartass

[Dave]: It started in 1981 and ended in 1982 and then Jason and I got together earlier this year

[Cliff]: So you didn’t cheat and James isn’t a home wrecker?

[Dave]: No shit

[James]: Obviously

[Cliff]: Okay, good.

[Cliff]: But that doesn’t explain why you two never told any of us about it.

[James]: Because it wasn’t an actual relationship 🤷

[Dave]: Because it shouldn’t matter to you who I stick my dick in for a mindless fuck??

[James]: DAVID SCOTT MUSTAINE

[Dave]: DON’T CALL ME THAT *ALAN*

[James]: OH I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS FOR GETTING US CAUGHT

[Dave]: GO AHEAD AND TRY

[Dave]: I’VE KICKED YOUR ASS ONCE AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN

[Cliff]: ENOUGH! Neither of you are in trouble here. It was a mean joke gone wrong and Lars is in the wrong here.

[Cliff]: He was the one who acted immaturely and made it seem like Dave, at the very least, was hiding a fling from Jason.

[James]: Oh shit, yeah

[Dave]: Wait, yeah, so we didn’t do anything wrong

[Dave]: I’M GONNA BEAT THAT BITCH’S ASS

[Dave]: IS HE IN THIS CHAT

[Cliff]: No, and I didn’t add him to this chat for this exact reason.

Dave  added Lars_Ulrich to the group chat

Lars_Ulrich changed his name to Larsy Poo

[Dave]: YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH WHERE ARE YOU

[Larsy Poo]: SHIT!! 😰

Larsy Poo left the group chat

Dave added Larsy Poo to the group chat

[Dave]: I’M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS SO FUCKING BAD

[Larsy Poo]: I’M SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME 😭🙏🙏🙏

[Dave]: OH YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN YOUR OWN MOTHER DOESN’T RECOGNIZE YOU BY THE TIME I’M DONE WITH YOU

Cliff  has removed Dave from the group chat

[James]: You better hope this doesn’t go to shit or I will beat your ass

[Larsy Poo]: Yes sir… 😥

Dave_Mustaine  and Clifford_Burton private chat

[Clifford_Burton]: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

[Dave_Mustaine]: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG

[Clifford_Burton]: Well you need to calm your shit, Dave! You can’t solve all of your problems by beating people up!

[Dave_Mustaine]: I can in this situation!! I’m justified on this one

[Clifford_Burton]: And what on earth would make you think that?!

[Dave_Mustaine]: BECAUSE THAT IS THE LOVE OF MY FUCKING LIFE AND I’M ABOUT TO LOSE HIM FOR GOOD

[Clifford_Burton]: …You’re actually admitting it?

[Dave_Mustaine]: I am

[Dave_Mustaine]: He’s my everything

[Dave_Mustaine]: I’ve never loved someone quite like I love him

[Dave_Mustaine]: But because of a mistake I made years ago, I’m about to lose him for good

[Dave_Mustaine]: But I love him so much

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love his smile

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love his eyes

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love his goofy personality

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love how he can go from making dad jokes one minute to acting childish as fuck to making sex jokes the next

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love his passion for what he does

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love the love he gives out to everybody, especially since I get the most of his love

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love his love for animals, especially bunnies, I never really liked them before but seeing how happy they make him makes me happy

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love his unyielding rage for mustard

[Dave_Mustaine]: I love his unstoppable typos

[Dave_Mustaine]: There is not a single thing about him that I don’t love

[Clifford_Burton]: That… actually made me tear up a little bit.

[Dave_Mustaine]: Please let me see him again

[Dave_Mustaine]: I need him in my arms and I need to feel his smile against my lips when I kiss him again, please

[Clifford_Burton]: You must really love him.

[Dave_Mustaine]: I do, and I want nothing more than to make it up to him for this

[Clifford_Burton]: I can get that arranged.

[Dave_Mustaine]: There’s just one more thing

[Dave_Mustaine]: Don’t tell anyone about this, I haven’t even expressed my love for him this much

[Clifford_Burton]: Okay.

For Dave

[Cliff]: Alright, I calmed him down.

[James]: That’s good

[Larsy Poo]: THANK GOD

[Cliff]: There’s just one thing.

[Larsy Poo]: ???

[Cliff]: I expect you to apologize to him and James for this.

[James]: He already told me he was sorry

[Larsy Poo]: And I already planned on apologizing to Dave anyway

[Cliff]: Oh. Good.

Cliff  added Dave to the group chat

[Larsy Poo]: Hey, Dave, I’m really sorry for exposing you and James like that, it was an invasion of privacy and it won’t happen again

[Dave]: Thank you

[Dave]: And I’m sorry for being a dick to you, especially over something you were excited about

[Larsy Poo]: Thank you

[Cliff]: So is that it? Problem solved?

[Dave]: Yeah

[Larsy Poo]: Yep

[James]: Sweet

For Dave  has been deleted

James_Hetfield and Clifford_Burton private chat

[Clifford_Burton]: What did you do?

[James_Hetfield]: #???

[Clifford_Burton]: I left you two alone in the chat for just a few minutes and when I came back, Lars was suddenly very willing to apologize.

[James_Hetfield]: Oh

[James_Hetfield]: That

[James_Hetfield]: Yeah I told him that if he ever pulled a stunt like that again that I would shove his bass drum so far up his ass and his sticks so far down his throat that his coughing would have a rhythm

[Clifford_Burton]: …

[Clifford_Burton]: That is very concerning.

[James_Hetfield]: We don’t discuss this. Ever.

[Clifford_Burton]: …Understood.

Chapter 9: The Heartbreak Mini Trilogy Part 3/3: The Resolution

Dave_Mustaine and Clifford_Burton private chat

[Clifford_Burton]: So I think you’re both ready for this conversation. I just need to know if you want to tell him in your own chat or if you want to be added back to the group chat and talk to him there.

[Dave_Mustaine]: Question

[Clifford_Burton]: What?

[Dave_Mustaine]: Why are you deciding if me and Jason are ready for a relationship determining conversation instead of letting us do that ourselves?

[Clifford_Burton]: Who has been the only one in this entire group who’s been able to act like an actual adult since the group chat has first been made?

[Dave_Mustaine]: …

[Clifford_Burton]: Exactly.

[Dave_Mustaine]: Are you absolutely positive that this will work tho?

[Clifford_Burton]: Positive, as long as Jason wants to talk right now.

[Dave_Mustaine]: Oh god, what do I say??

[Clifford_Burton]: I don’t know, but I’m making a chat with the three of us so you two can talk things out and I can be there in case things go south.

[Dave_Mustaine]: Oh boy

Cliff Ran Out Of Chat Name Ideas

Clifford_Burton added Jason_Newsted and Dave_Mustaine to the chat

[Dave_Mustaine]: Hey, Jason

Clifford_Burton  changed his name to Cliff

[Jason_Newsted]: HeyC, Dane

Cliff changed Jason_Newsted’s name to Jason

Cliff changed Dave_Mustaine’s name to Dave

[Dave]: How’ve you been?

[Jason]: We need to tapk

[Dave]: Right

[Dave]: So

[Jason]: This is a relationship alterong convertsarion all all you can day is “So”?

[Cliff]: Hold on, Jason. He’s just really nervous right now.

[Jason]: No

[Jason]: What I want to know is whi he ket thos from me

[Dave]: It wasn’t meant to be that way

[Jason]: B it you still hot it from me, ans I had tonfind out from Oars

[Jason]: LARS

[Jason]: Do you know whoe gut wrenching that is?

[Dave]: And I don’t doubt it for a second

[Dave]: But you have to realize that it’s because of issues going on with me, not you

[Jason]: But thisnisnsomething that I need to know

[Jason]: And have the tight to know regardingnour relatuonship 

[Dave]: And I’m really sorry that I hid that from you, but I didn’t know how you’d feel knowing that I used to have a fling with one of your friends

[Dave]: But I didn’t mean for this to happen

[Jason]: What, the flind with James) Our relationshpp? Me tinfong out?

[Cliff]: Jason, let Dave explain himself.

[Jason]: But he doest realize how bady thos hirts

[Jason]: He’s never even told me he loves me so whybwould he calee abour thos

Dave_Mustaine and Clifford_Burton private chat

[Dave_Mustaine]: Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit

[Clifford_Burton]: Dave, I know this is going to suck, but do you want to keep your relationship with him?

[Dave_Mustaine]: Obviously

[Clifford_Burton]: Then you need to let me show him what you said about him.

[Dave_Mustaine]: WHAT

[Clifford_Burton]: It may be the only way to save you guys.

[Dave_Mustaine]: But I haven’t even told him I love him yet, what if he doesn’t believe me?

[Clifford_Burton]: There’s only one way to find out, right?

[Dave_Mustaine]: …Fine. You can show him.

Clifford_Burton  took 2 screenshots of the chat

Cliff Ran Out Of Chat Name Ideas

[Cliff]: But I’m sure he loves you very much.

[Jason]: And how do you know that?

[Cliff]: [Dave-Love-Confession_42888]

[Cliff]: [Dave-Love-Confession-2_94976]

[Jason]: …

[Dave]: Jase?

[Dave]: Are you okay?

[Jason]: You reappy said that aboit me)

[Dave]: And I meant every word.

[Jason]: DAVE I’M SGOING SORRRRRYYYYYYY

[Dave]: Jason, it’s okay!

[Jason]: I SHOULDN’t HAVE ACCUSED YOU OF XHESTING ON ME

[Jason]: OR MAKOIG ME THE REBOUND

[Jason]: OR MAKING ME THE SIDE POIECE

[Jason]: IT WAS POOR JUSGEMENT AND I’M SORREYYYY

[Dave]: Baby, it’s okay! I understand, I’d be pissed off too

[Jason]: DO YOU FOGROVE MEEEEE

[Dave]: Without a second thought

[Jason]: Thanknyou

[Jason]: I love you, so much

[Dave]: I love you too, baby

[Cliff]: So is that it? Are we done with the trilogy?

[Dave]: What?

[Jason]: ???

[Cliff]: I mean; is this situation done and over with?

[Jason]: We still have to taph to lars

[Cliff]: I’ll take care of that.

[Cliff]: You two enjoy spending time together.

Cliff Ran Out Of Chat Name Ideas has been deleted

Lars_Ulrich and Clifford_Burton private messages

[Clifford_Burton]: We need to talk.

[Lars_Ulrich]: What’s going on?

[Clifford_Burton]: You gotta respect people’s privacy, dude.

[Lars_Ulrich]: But I have been!

[Clifford_Burton]: How about when you took pictures of James and Dave having sex without their knowledge? Or when you meddled into Dave and Jason’s relationship and sent Jason said pictures when you knew that him and Dave were together? Even when said events took place years ago?

[Lars_Ulrich]: …

[Clifford_Burton]: Exactly.

[Lars_Ulrich]: Well what do you expect me to do?

[Clifford_Burton]: Well I want you to apologize to Jason first.

[Lars_Ulrich]: Easy

[Clifford_Burton]: Then I want you to delete Textallica 2 and start a new chat so that we don’t have to look at the pictures again.

[Lars_Ulrich]: Okay

[Clifford_Burton]: And then apologize to me for GIVING ME A FUCKING ANEURYSM FROM HAVING TO BE THE ADULT IN THIS SITUATION AND FROM HAVING TO TALK TO YOU.

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😰

[Lars_Ulrich]: Yes daddy…

[Clifford_Burton]: WATCH IT!

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😨

Lars_Ulrich and Jason_Newsted private chat

[Lars_Ulrich]: Hey, Jase

[Jason_Newsted]: ???

[Lars_Ulrich]: I’m really sorry over what happened. Especially since it almost ended your relationship.

[Jason_Newsted]: Thank you

[Jason_Newsted]: Ever pull a stint like that again and I will drive us to the middle of nowehdfd, 5thrpwu yoi out of the car, and deive away

[Lars_Ulrich]: Okay… 😰

Dave_Mustaine and Jason_Newsted private chat

[Dave_Mustaine]: It’s so good to have you back

[Jason_Newsted]: I know, I missed yoj so kich

[Jason_Newsted]: Butdid you mean it?

[Dave_Mustaine]: Mean what?

[Jason_Newsted]: That I was the love of your life? That’s wyat you told Coiff

[Dave_Mustaine]: I meant every word

[Jason_Newsted]: And you avtuallly told aboither person!

[Jason_Newsted]: Does that mean we don’t have to keep our relationship a secret anumore?

[Dave_Mustaine]: If that’s what you want. I’m happy either way

[Jason_Newsted]: Then we van tell them tomorrow

[Jason_Newsted]: But as of right now…

[Jason_Newsted]: WhT was it thag you said abot wanting yo told me and feel my smile against your lips when we lodd? 😏

[Dave_Mustaine]: Why? You interested?

[Jason_Newsted]: Very

[Dave_Mustaine]: Omw

Notes:

And that officially concludes the heartbreak trilogy! I’ll be back with the next chapter of this series soon, but for now, I’m working on a separate project related to this series that should be out by next week! So I hope you all enjoy it and I’ll see you again soon!

Chapter 10: Drunken Escapades

Notes:

Two chapters in one day? I’m on a roll!

Textallica 2 has been deleted

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

Lars_Ulrich  added Robert_Trujillo, James_Hetfield, and 4 other users to the chat

James_Hetfield  changed his name to PapaHet

[PapaHet]: Guys, I want to go out tonight #party

[PapaHet]: Who’s in??

Clifford_Burton  changed his name to Cliff

[Cliff]: No thanks.

[PapaHet]: Boo, why? You never want to go out #nofun

[Cliff]: Because I just bought a new Lovecraft book and a quiet night in with a joint is calling to me.

Robert_Trujillo  changed his name to Rob 🎸

[PapaHet]: But you do that anyway #boring

[Rob 🎸]: Don’t be so insistent if he doesn’t want to go <:)

[Rob 🎸]: But in any case, I’m not going either, I finally have a night off and I need to clean the house :///

[PapaHet]: Boooooooooooo

[PapaHet]: Why do you have to be an adult

Dave_Mustaine  changed his name to Guitar God

[Guitar God]: I’ll go with you ig

[Guitar God]: Just so you stop bitching

[Kirk_Hammett]: The name isn’t accurate btw

[Kirk_Hammett]: Just saying

[Kirk_Hammett]: 🫢

[Guitar God]: Dumb bitch 🖕

Jason_Newsted  changed his name to Master Jasonic Newsted

[Master Jasonic Newsted]: Play nice you two

[Master Jasonic Newsted]: Besides, I’m stqying in

[Guitar God]: You sure??

[Master Jasonic Newsted]: Yeah, I gotta take cate of the bunnies, I’ feel bad for leaving them for so long

Guitar God changed Master Jasonic Newsted’s name to Bun Dad

[Bun Dad]: <:)

[Guitar God]: :)

Kirk_Hammett  changed his name to The_Ripper

[The_Ripper]: It’s so nice to see you two so openly happy now!!

[The_Ripper]: But yeah, @PapaHet , I’ll go with y’all

[PapaHet]: Why, cause Rob isn’t able to hang out? #gay

[The_Ripper]: FUCK

[The_Ripper]: ALL OF

[The_Ripper]: YOU DUMB BUTTHOLES

[The_Ripper]: 🖕

Lars_Ulrich  changed his name to Larsy Poo

[Larsy Poo]: Kirk, come on

[Larsy Poo]: It’s obvious 🤭😏

[The_Ripper]: SHUT UP NOTHING IS OBVIOUS

[The_Ripper]: I JUST WANNA HANG OUT WITH SOME OF MY FRIENDS

[The_Ripper]: AND DAVE

[PapaHet]: 💀

[Larsy Poo]: AND DAVE 😭😭

[Guitar God]: FUCK YOU

[Bun Dad]: 😂🤣

[Guitar God]: Not you too, Jase!!

[Bun Dad]: Can’t help it!

[Larsy Poo]: But yeah, I’ll come hang out with y’all

[Cliff]: Be responsible

[Bun Dad]: Call one of us or call an Uber when you’re done

[Rob 🎸]: And make sure you don’t go crazy!

[Rob 🎸]: We don’t need a repeat of last time…

[PapaHet]: …

[Larsy Poo]: …

[Guitar God]: …

[The_Ripper]: …

[Cliff]: …

[Bun Dad]: …

[Rob 🎸]: …

Larsy Poo  changed Cliff’s name to Daddy

[Daddy]: There is a special amount of hate in my heart just for you.

[Larsy Poo]: LMFAOAOAAAAOAOAOAOOO

~A Few Hours Later~

[Larsy Poo]: OH MY HOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

[Bun Dad]: What?

[Larsy Poo]: JAMES JUST PUKED ON MY FUCKING DICK

[PapaHet]: I mpdn’t mean to the fmashical faires told me to

[Larsy Poo]: THERE ARE NO MAGICAL FAIRFIES JAMES

[PapaHet]: :(((

[Guitar God]: Jasonnnnnn

[Guitar God]: I love you so muchhhhh

[Bun Dad]: I love you too, hahy <:)

[Bun Dad]: You wanna fome over later and relax??

[Guitar God]: Fuck yeah

[Guitar God]: And here’s an example of what you’ll be getting later

[Larsy Poo]: WAIT DAVE NOT IN THE GC

[Guitar God]: [For_Jason-;)_76080]

[Daddy]: Aaaaaand there is Dave’s limp dick.

[Bun Dad]: Please tellnke he was at least in the bathroom when he took that

[Larsy Poo]: Nope

[Larsy Poo]: This was on the sidewalk

[Larsy Poo]: In my public

[Larsy Poo]: I am too sober for this

[Daddy]: Me too

[Bun Dad]: I am so sorry Lars, I’ll make it up to you at some poi t m

[The_Ripper]: Omg guyd

[The_Ripper]: ‘One of you is really jot

[The_Ripper]: And it’s not dave;)

[Daddy]: I need a beer.

[Daddy]: And a shot of vodka.

[Daddy]: And bleach.

[Guitar God]: Shutnup kirk, you’re not hot

The_Ripper  changed Guitar God’s name to Poopy Butthead

[The_Ripper]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Larsy Poo]: God ddammit

[Larsy Poo]: Dave’s crying now

[Bun Dad]: I’m on my way now

[Larsy Poo]: And Kirk is on yhe floor crying from laighter

[Rob 🎸]: I’ll come get him too

[Larsy Poo]: What aboit you @Daddy ?

[Daddy]: What about me?

[Larsy Poo]: Are you coming to get James(

[Daddy]: Why would I do that?

[Larsy Poo]: Kause I kind of met a guy at the bar and he said he’s rail me if I get my friends out of here so

[Daddy]: Jesus fucking Christ, fine. I’ll come get him.

[The_Ripper]: Robbbbbbb

[The_Ripper]: You yonna snuggle with me when we get back to your placereree

[Rob 🎸]: Depends on how you act while we’re in the car

[The_Ripper]: Don’t worry, Imll be suxh a goodddddd boy

[Rob 🎸]: Sure, bud

[Daddy]: And you wonder why people think you’re dating.

[Rob 🎸]: Shush 🙄

[Bun Dad]: Just letting you guys know

[Bun Dad]: Dave and I are safe, but he will not stuf hugging me so unless he lets go, we’re just sleeping in my backseet in the larkind lot tonight

[Daddy]: Thanks for letting us know.

[Bun Dad]: Asaaaand Rob just picked Kirk ip and Lars went inside, probably eith that guy

[Daddy]: He seriously left James alone to get railed?

[Bun Dad]: I would not put it past hom

[Daddy]: You’re right, it’s Lars.

[PapaHet]: Cliff were are you

[PapaHet]: I’m sleepy

[Daddy]: Almost there, James.

[Bun Dad]: Awww, you’re so sweet together

[Bun Dad]: …

[Bun Dad]: ???

[Bun Dad]: Dammit Cliff don’t ignore me

[Bun Dad]: …

[Bun Dad]: Otuche’

Notes:

Once his book is officially finished, do y’all want a chapter of what my favorite quotes from this book were?

And before you ask, every person who has texted me while drunk has always had a shit load of typos in their texts so sue me.

Chapter 11: The Difference Between G And J

Notes:

Thank my job for being the reason it took me so long to get this part out 😭

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

[Larsy Poo]: Okay I have to know

[Larsy Poo]: What’s the difference between g and j 🤔

[The_Ripper]: I’m sorry???

[Larsy Poo]: No cause think about it

[Larsy Poo]: Think about the argument of how to pronounce gif

[Larsy Poo]: If you pronounce it one way, it sounds more like a g sound but if it’s the other way, then it sounds like a j sound

[Larsy Poo]: But in spite of the fact that the majority of the people who are saying this word have been speaking the language their entire lives and they don’t even know how to pronounce it

[Daddy]: That’s…

[Daddy]: Actually a decent point.

[Poopy Butthead]: Doesn’t change the fact that this conversation is fucking dumb

[Poopy Butthead]: WHO CHANGED MY FUCKING NAME??

[The_Ripper]: 👋

Poopy Butthead  changed his name to Guitar God

Guitar God changed The_Ripper’s name to Robert’s Bitch

[Robert’s Bitch]: FUCKING COCKSUCKER

[PapaHet]: But you’re making no effort to change it

[Robert’s Bitch]: 😤

[Larsy Poo]: BUT LISTEN

[Larsy Poo]: Why make so much effort to add 2 letters in the alphabet that sound the same when we could just have 1??

[Rob 🎸]: I don’t know if it works like that, bro

[Larsy Poo]: Explain

[Rob 🎸]: Because then so many words in the English language would be removed entirely

[Robert’s Bitch]: Like James 😭

[Bun Dad]: Actually it’s Games now guys

[Larsy Poo]: Lol Games

[Guitar God]: Games

[Robert’s Bitch]: Games 🧍♂️

[Daddy]: Games.

[Rob 🎸]: Games

[PapaHet]: I hate you all

[Bun Dad]: No you don’t 😙

[PapaHet]: Shut it Gason

[Larsy Poo]: Gason

[Guitar God]: Gason ❤️

[Robert’s Bitch]: Gason

[Daddy]: Gason.

[Rob 🎸]: Gason

[PapaHet]: Man Dave shut your ass up

[PapaHet]: That was gay as shit

[Guitar God]: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT

[Larsy Poo]: ANYWAY 🙄

[Larsy Poo]: What if we kept the letter J??

[PapaHet]: Because

[PapaHet]: Dipshit

[PapaHet]: My name could either just be a name or something people do for fun #notcool

[Robert’s Bitch]: Oh yeah!

[Robert’s Bitch]: Because James and games would be spelled the same!

[Larsy Poo]: Uh no

[Larsy Poo]: Cause James has a capital letter, games doesn’t

[Bun Dad]: What if games was tt the stary pf the sentence??

[Larsy Poo]: I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT FROM SOMEBODY WHO CAN’T SPELL 😤😤😤

[Bun Dad]: …

[Bun Dad]: I will drop kick all three feet of you

[Larsy Poo]: BIIIIIIIITCH

[Larsy Poo]: COME OVER HERE AND TRY

[Bun Dad]: 🙃

[Daddy]: We are grown ass men in/was in the biggest metal band in the world and yet this is how we act.

[Rob 🎸]: 🤷♂️

[Robert’s Bitch]: Ngl I like the idea of the name Jeremy being spelled as Geremy

[PapaHet]: Bitch #what #wtf

[Robert’s Bitch]: I mean

[Robert’s Bitch]: Yeah

[Larsy Poo]: I agree with Kirk on this one 😙😙

[PapaHet]: Gay

[Larsy Poo]: SHUT IT JAMES

[Larsy Poo]: OOPS SORRY I MEANT GAMES

Larsy Poo  changed PapaHet’s name to Games

[Larsy Poo]: AHAHAHAHAHA

[Larsy Poo]: EVERYONE POINT AND LAUGH

[Larsy Poo]: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH 👉👉👉

[Bun Dad]: I’M DEAD 💀

[Robert’s Bitch]: 😂😂😂

[Guitar God]: 😭

[Rob 🎸]: LMFAOAAAAOAOOAOAAOOOO

[Games]: What are you on

[Daddy]: Why is this my life?

[Rob 🎸]: …

[Rob 🎸]: What’s up with Kirk’s name?

[Robert’s Bitch]: Don’t ask

Chapter 12: The Daddy Kink

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

[Rob 🎸]: You know what I just realized?

[Robert’s Bitch]: What?

[Rob 🎸]: Cliff hasn’t changed his name since it’s been changed to “Daddy”

[Larsy Poo]: Haha Cliff has a daddy kink 😂

[Games]: Lol

[Daddy]: No, I do not.

[Larsy Poo]: Whatever you say, daddy 😩

[Daddy]: Don’t call me that.

[Guitar God]: Oh no, Lars, you gave him a boner

[Bun Dad]: Boi-ou-a-oi-oinggg!

[Daddy]: No, he did not.

[Games]: Then change your name #daddy

[Daddy]: Why do you all do this to me?

[Games]: #funny

[Daddy]: I am physically sighing right now.

[Daddy]: You are making me sigh.

Larsy Poo  changed Games’s name to  Gaymz

Larsy Poo  changed Daddy’s name to Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: What the fuck?

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: And that isn’t a rhetorical question.

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: That is actually me asking you:

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: “What in the actual fuck?”

[Bun Dad]: HOLY SHIT LMAOOOO

[Gaymz]: 💀

[Robert’s Bitch]: Daddyyyyyy

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: Shut it, Kirk.

[Larsy Poo]: You seem natural to that, Kirk 😏

[Larsy Poo]: Keep that noted, Rob 🤭

[Rob 🎸]: 🙄

[Robert’s Bitch]: Hush

[Guitar God]: Why do you have a daddy kink @Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton ?

[Guitar God]: Is it because of the power trip?

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: I am going to throw all of you out the window.

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: One by one.

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: You will all make me commit multiple felonies.

[Gaymz]: You’re not denying it tho

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: Fuck off.

[Larsy Poo]: Only if you watch me, Daddy Cliffy 😩🍆💦

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: I am going to kill myself tonight and you are all to blame.

[Bun Dad]: What’s weong)? Upset that we discovered your secrwu?

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: You didn’t discover dick.

[Bun Dad]: Daddyyyyy 

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: Aren’t you supposed to be calling Dave “Daddy” right about now?

[Bun Dad]: HEY!!

[Guitar God]: Yeah, aren’t you? 😏

[Bun Dad]: 🤭

[Rob 🎸]: Let me remind you both that this is still a group chat ‼️⚠️‼️

[Bun Dad]: Ohbshit, yeah

[Guitar God]: Fuck

[Bun Dad]: Beb 

[Bun Dad]: *Brb

[Robert’s Bitch]: Wooooo!! Get some, Jase!

[Robert’s Bitch]: Make him your bitch!

[Bun Dad]: 😏🤭

[Larsy Poo]: Love the hype 😭

[Gaymz]: I did not need to know about this

[Rob 🎸]: Neither did I

[Rob 🎸]: But is anyone going to explain to me what’s going on with Kirk’s name?

[Larsy Poo]: Alright, Cliff, listen…

[Larsy Poo]: If the name bothers you that much, we can change it for you

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: It’s not the name that bothers me. It’s the fact that you’re all assuming that I have a daddy kink.

[Gaymz]: Okay but like

[Gaymz]: You still haven’t changed it

[Gaymz]: So

[Robert’s Bitch]: Cliff reading the name like

[Robert’s Bitch]: 🍆👊➡️⬅️

[Rob 🎸]: 💀💀💀

[Gaymz]: 💀💀💀

[Larsy Poo]: 💀💀💀

[Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton]: I hate you all.

[Larsy Poo]: Okay okay fine

[Larsy Poo]: I’ll change it

Larsy Poo  changed Big Dick Daddy Clifford Lee Burton’s name to Cliff

Cliff  changed his name to Big Dick Daddy Cliff

[Rob 🎸]: 😶

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: 🙃

Notes:

I’ve been more excited about writing this chapter than I should’ve been.

Chapter 13: The Little Wuss

James_Hetfield & Kirk_Hammett private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: Dude I’m gonna throw up

[James_Hetfield]: Too much to drink last night?

[Kirk_Hammett]: Why is that your first assumption for everything ._.

[James_Hetfield]: What is your damn problem

[James_Hetfield]: I’m trying to write some riffs rn

[Kirk_Hammett]: Okay okay okay

[Kirk_Hammett]: Sorry

[Kirk_Hammett]: I want to ask Rob to be my boyfriend but I don’t think he likes me like that

[James_Hetfield]: Are you fucking serious right now

[Kirk_Hammett]: What???

[James_Hetfield]: That dude has a very obvious crush on you

[James_Hetfield]: Like, it’s actually crazy

[Kirk_Hammett]: There is no fucking way

[James_Hetfield]: There is

[James_Hetfield]: Like, what’s a dish he likes

[Kirk_Hammett]: Excuse me??

[James_Hetfield]: Okay you’re going to be no help

[James_Hetfield]: Let me ask him

James_Hetfield & Robert_Trujillo private messages

[James_Hetfield]: Quick question

[Robert_Trujillo]: What’s up? :)

[James_Hetfield]: What’s a dish you really like

[Robert_Trujillo]: Hm 🤔

[Robert_Trujillo]: I really like goat tacos :D

[James_Hetfield]: Cool, thanks

James_Hetfield & Kirk_Hammett private messages

[James_Hetfield]: So like, Rob looks at your ass and thinks of goat tacos

[Kirk_Hammett]: EXCUSE ME??

[James_Hetfield]: Like he wants to eat that shit until there’s nothing more to give

[Kirk_Hammett]: JAMES ALAN

[James_Hetfield]: But fr

[James_Hetfield]: He looks like a munch

[James_Hetfield]: Well like a boy munch

[James_Hetfield]: Like a bussy munch

[Kirk_Hammett]: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

[James_Hetfield]: Like I don’t want to hear about your sex life

[James_Hetfield]: But like

[James_Hetfield]: If he does eat your ass

[James_Hetfield]: Let me know so that I know that I was right

[Kirk_Hammett]: JFC JAMES 😭

[James_Hetfield]: I’m just saying, man

[James_Hetfield]: I think you should go for it

[Kirk_Hammett]: Yeah okay 😭

Dave_Mustaine & Kirk_Hammett private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: Man I think I’m gonna throw up

[Dave_Mustaine]: Why are you telling me about this

[Kirk_Hammett]: Oh right

[Kirk_Hammett]: Uh

[Kirk_Hammett]: Fuck you

[Kirk_Hammett]: I guess

[Dave_Mustaine]: 🙄

Kirk_Hammett & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: Jason help plz 😭

[Jason_Newsted]: What’s up??

[Kirk_Hammett]: I want to ask Rob out

[Jason_Newsted]: OMGGGGGGRYHYY

[Kirk_Hammett]: But I don’t know if he likes me in that way

[Jason_Newsted]: Kirk youd do noe gole youdeelf enoufh xrdit 

[Jason_Newsted]: YouMre like so sweet and so funny and so carony and very very gery fute might I add

[Jason_Newsted]: So even if Rob didm’t like you

[Jason_Newsted]: Which the chamces arm’t hogah

[Jason_Newsted]: Then there’s a good fhance that someone else will take his place

[Kirk_Hammett]: Jason 🥹

[Jason_Newsted]: Now go ask the man out

[Jason_Newsted]: I wanna go on a doible date ffs!

[Kirk_Hammett]: Okay, I’ll try

[Kirk_Hammet]: I love you, bestie ❤️

[Jason_Newsted]: I love you too ❤️

Kirk_Hammett & Clifford_Burton private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: Cliff, I have a question for you

[Kirk_Hammett]: And I need you to be completely honest with me

[Clifford_Burton]: What’s up?

[Kirk_Hammett]: Do you think Rob likes me??

[Clifford_Burton]: Why don’t you just ask him?

[Clifford_Burton]: But to answer your question; yes.

[Kirk_Hammett]: Because that’s not an option my good sir

[Clifford_Burton]: Then I’ll just ask him.

[Kirk_Hammett]: CLIFF NO 😭

Clifford_Burton & Roberto_Trujillo private messages

[Clifford_Burton]: Rob, I have a quick question for you.

[Robert_Trujillo]: What’s up?? 😁

[Clifford_Burton]: Do you have a crush on Kirk, by any chance?

[Robert_Trujillo]: No comment 😶

[Clifford_Burton]: And that answers my question on its own.

[Clifford_Burton]: Good day.

[Robert_Trujillo]: HUH???

Kirk_Hammett & Clifford_Burton private messages

[Clifford_Burton]: He definitely likes you.

[Kirk_Hammett]: I actually hate you, istg 🫣😤😳

[Clifford_Burton]: No, you don’t.

[Kirk_Hammett]: No I don’t

[Kirk_Hammett]: You still suck for that tho 🖕

[Clifford_Burton]: I’d like to disagree.

[Kirk_Hammett]: 🙄

Lars_Ulrich & Kirk_Hammett private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: Question

[Lars_Ulrich]: Yes, I will let you fuck me 🥵

[Kirk_Hammett]: LARS

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😩🍆💦

[Kirk_Hammett]: Dude I’m being serious

[Lars_Ulrich]: Okay, sorry 😥

[Kirk_Hammett]: Do you think Rob likes me??

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😶

[Kirk_Hammett]: Lars?

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😶😶

[Kirk_Hammett]: Lars???

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😶😶😶

[Kirk_Hammett]: Lars you’re actually scaring me rn :<

[Lars_Ulrich]: You actually did it

[Lars_Ulrich]: You have shocked me into silence

[Kirk_Hammett]: I know it’s surprising that I have a crush on him but still, I wanna know

[Lars_Ulrich]: No what’s surprising is that you haven’t noticed that he’s liked you back yet

[Kirk_Hammett]: Excuse me??

[Lars_Ulrich]: Just ask him out before I knock you upside your head, you dumbass

[Kirk_Hammett]: Yeah okay 😓

Kirk_Hammett & Robert_Trujillo private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: Hey, Rob? I have a question for you

[Robert_Trujillo]: I actually have a question for you too 😶

[Kirk_Hammett]: You can go first

[Robert_Trujillo]: Why have people been bombarding me with messages about you all day??

[Kirk Hammett]: 🫢

[Kirk_Hammett]: I have no idea

[Robert_Trujillo]: And they were all about crushes and/or you

[Robert_Trujillo]: Except for James’

[Robert_Trujillo]: He wanted to know what my favorite food was for some reason 🤔

[Robert_Trujillo]: Maybe he’s planning on making me my favorite dish soon! That’d be so nice of him!

[Kirk_Hammett]: Close enough…

[Robert_Trujillo]: Wdym?

[Kirk_Hammett]: Nvm

[Kirk_Hammett]: Actually, the reason was related to my question for you

[Robert_Trujillo]: Now I’m curious!

[Robert_Trujillo]: Shoot!

[Kirk_Hammett]: So I understand if you’re not gay

[Kirk_Hammett]: Or bi or queer or whatever

[Kirk_Hammett]: But I actually really like you

[Kirk_Hammett]: And it’s so bad

[Kirk_Hammett]: But I wanted to know if you wanted to be my boyfriend??

Bassists Of America

[Rob]: AAAAGAGAHHGAGAGAGHHHHHHH

[Cliff]: And there it is.

[Jason]: So proud of me noy, he’s growing up so kuch 🥲😊❤️

Kirk_Hammett & Robert_Trujillo private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: Rob??

[Kirk_Hammett]: I understand if you don’t want to be together, but please don’t leave me on read

[Robert_Trujillo]: No, I’d love to be your boyfriend ❤️

[Kirk_Hammett]: WAIT FR

[Robert_Trujillo]: Ofc!!! :D

[Robert_Trujillo]: But I would like to discuss boundaries, like PDA, before we tell everyone else

[Kirk_Hammett]: Sounds good to me

[Kirk_Hammett]: Boyfriend 💜💚

[Robert_Trujillo]: ❤️❤️

Notes:

Two chapters/stories in one day? I’m on a roll!

Chapter 14: The Bassists Of America Group Chat Perspective

Notes:

So this chapter is going to be really interesting.
So the only people who will be featured in this chapter are Cliff, Jason, and Rob.
However, this chapter takes place in multiple different points in this “timeline”.
So in italics and bold, it will explain where we are in the timeline.
Sometimes, the chapter may just go to two people’s private messages, however, it’d only contain the two of the three people mentioned.
Enjoy!

Cliff No

The Bassists Of America

[Cliff]: Rob, where are you?

[Jason]: @Rob ?

[Jason]: Jrob???

[Rob]: Sorry guys 😅

[Rob]: Kirk and I are surfing and I didn’t see your texts

[Cliff]: Well, you’re late to our jam session.

[Rob]: I know, I’m sorry 😣

[Rob]: I just lost track of time

[Jason]: ThatMe not my consern

[Jason]: You’rv been hangong our with Kirk a lot kayely

[Jason]: WhatMs young one with that?

[Rob]: Nothing, really

[Rob]: We’ve just gotten really close lately

[Cliff]: Jason, are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Jason]: Depends, what are you thinojny?

[Cliff]: That you think that our dearest Rob may have a crush on Kirk.

[Jason]: RhatMs exactly what Imm suggesting

[Rob]: I do not!!!

[Jason]: Sure, budy, aure

[Cliff]: You say that now, but when we get a text from you soon telling us that we were right, I will rub it in your face. Finish it up so we can jam, I have a new demo I want to show you.

[Rob]: Yeah okay

Kirk And His Edibles

The Bassists Of America

[Jason]: Kirk seems really eager to see you, Rob 😏

[Rob]: Okay, shut up, I didn’t ask

[Cliff]: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TEXTING AND DRIVING?

[Rob]: I’m at a red light, damn!

[Cliff]: Okay, good. But yeah, Kirk is really excited to see you.

[Jason]: Does our Kirky poo have a crush on our Robbyyyy

[Rob]: Man, shut up

[Jason]: Kirk and Rob sitting in a gree

[Jason]: Ki-i-s/s-i-n-g

[Rob]: JASON

[Jason]: First comes love

[Jason]: Then comes marriaged

[Jason]: Then commes a babby in a carriage!

[Rob]: Oh my god

[Jason]: BEcause they AfuCKED

[Rob]: JASON CURTIS NEWSTED

[Jason]: 🤣

[Cliff]: You both amaze me more every day.

*insert done Cliff inhale*

The Bassists Of America

[Jason]: 😏

[Cliff]: I am smirking as we speak.

[Rob]: What

[Jason]: You gonna pit on a doof show for Kirk?

[Rob]: Yeah!

[Jason]: I het he’s gonna really like it?

[Rob]: I think so too!

[Jason]: You gonna do a private show for him too)

[Rob]: Yeah!

[Rob]: Wait what?

[Jason]: LMAOOOOOOO

[Cliff]: Haha!

[Rob]: OH OH

[Rob]: WHAT ABOUT YOU JASON

[Rob]: YOU GONNA PUT ON A PRIVATE SHOW FOR DAVE

[Rob]: CAUSE YOU SEEM REAL CLOSE TO HIM LATELY

[Cliff]: You’re getting really defensive, Rob.

[Rob]: JUST LET ME LIVEEEEEEE

The Truth Has Been Told

The Bassists Of America

[Cliff]: So let me get this straight.

[Jason]: ??

[Rob]: What’s up?

[Cliff]: Rob, you claim you and Kirk aren’t dating.

[Rob]: Right??

[Cliff]: And you claim that you don’t have a crush on him.

[Rob]: Uh, well…

[Cliff]: And now you’re telling me that you’re cuddling with him on the couch and he’s currently sleeping on you.

[Rob]: Yeah, about that…

[Rob]: I may or may not have a crush on him

[Jason]: YESSSSSSSSSSSS

[Rob]: JUST A SMALL ONE

[Jason]: I KNEW ITTTTTTTT

[Cliff]: We figured as much.

[Rob]: We do not discuss this.

[Jason]: Sure, buddy, sure

The Heartbreak Mini Trilogy Part 1/3: Jason’s Side

Clifford_Burton & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: CLIFF YOU WILL MOT BELIEVW WHAT KIRK JUST TOLD MW

[Clifford_Burton]: What’s up?

[Jason_Newsted]: He has a crush on Rob too!

[Clifford_Burton]: I figured as much.

[Jason_Newsted]: Do you know what this neans??

[Clifford_Burton]: What?

[Jason_Newsted]: They can finally get together!

[Clifford_Burton]: As much as I like the idea, we can’t force a relationship to happen. We need to wait for them to take that step themselves.

[Jason_Newsted]: Dakm

[Jason_Newsted]: DAMN DAMN DAKN

[Clifford_Burton]: I know.

[Jason_Newsted]: Unfortunately, right your’re.

[Clifford_Burton]: I also know that.

Clifford_Burton & Robert_Trujillo private messages

[Robert_Trujillo]: Okay, we need to talk

[Clifford_Burton]: Oh no, what’s up?

[Robert_Trujillo]: Do you have any idea on why Jason thinks Kirk and I are together?

[Clifford_Burton]: Okay, I’m going against my better judgement by telling you this. But; Kirk told Jason that he has a crush on you.

[Robert_Trujillo]: 😶

[Clifford_Burton]: Rob, are you okay?

[Robert_Trujillo]: AAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Clifford_Burton]: And there it is.

Drunken Escapades

The Bassists Of America

[Cliff]: Cuddling after you took Kirk to your place? Really?

[Rob]: Hush

[Jason]: Gay 🤭

The Difference Between G And J

The Bassists Of America

[Jason]: You’re really gonna do nothing anout it?

[Rob]: About what?

[Jason]: “Ronert’s Bitch”?

[Cliff]: It seems like you really like it, Rob.

[Rob]: I do not

[Jason]: Seems lije tou do

[Rob]: Okay MAYBE

[Cliff]: Figures.

[Jason]: So you’re a top! Go it

[Rob]: JASON CURTIS NEWSTED I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

[Jason]: LMAOOOOOO

The Daddy Kink

Clifford_Burton & Robert_Trujillo private messages

[Clifford_Burton]: Neither of you are denying it at this point.

[Robert_Trujillo]: …I know

[Clifford_Burton]: Just ask him out already.

[Robert_Trujillo]: No

The Little Wuss

Clifford_Burton & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Clifford_Burton]: I’m guessing Kirk already texted you?

[Jason_Newsted]: Yes he did?!

[Clifford_Burton]: Now we just wait for Rob to be texted.

[Jason_Newsted]: Shoildn’t be much lonegrr

The Bassists Of America

[Rob]: AAAAGAGAHHGAGAGAGHHHHHHH

[Cliff]: And there it is.

[Jason]: So proud of me noy, he’s growing up so kuch 🥲😊❤️

Clifford_Burton & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: Told you

[Clifford_Burton]: Haha.

Chapter 15: Building Blocks

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

[Larsy Poo]: Anyone wanna play Minecraft 🥹

[Robert’s Bitch]: Omg yes! I haven’t played in forever!

[Bun Dad]: Hell yeah! i just need yo to make sure trhay my controller’s shatcged

[Larsy Poo]: Okay, we’ll wait up on you!

[Rob 🎸]: I dunno, man, I’ve never played it and it might not be my thing :/

[Larsy Poo]: Boooo, come on! Play Minecraft with us!

[Robert’s Bitch]: Yeah! We can build a house together and I can show you different stuff!

[Rob 🎸]: Maybe… I’ll see who else is playing and decide then

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I think I’m gonna pass.

[Larsy Poo]: LMAOOOOO I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR NAME

[Robert’s Bitch]: 🤣🤣🤣

V[Responding To: [Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I think I’m gonna pass.]

[Larsy Poo]: NOW WAIT A DAMN SECOND

[Larsy Poo]: WHAT ABOUT OUR DOG RICKY 🥺😤

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I did forget about Ricky.

[Larsy Poo]: I dId FoRgEt AbOuT rIcKy

[Larsy Poo]: Look at you, you sound stupid

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Okay.

[Larsy Poo]: SO PLAY THE DAMN GAME

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Ask nicely.

V[Responding To: [Larsy Poo]: Anyone wanna play Minecraft 🥹]

[Larsy Poo]: I DID ASK NICE I USED THE EMOJI AND EVERYTHING

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: That sucks.

[Larsy Poo]: CLIFF I’M GOING TO EAT YOU

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Out? Bet.

[Larsy Poo]: :0

[Larsy Poo]: I’M ON MY WAY BABY

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: IWASKIDDING

[Larsy Poo]: 😢

[Gaymz]: I could *hear* the panic through that text

[Larsy Poo]: Jamesssss

[Gaymz]: Oh good lord

[Gaymz]: What

[Larsy Poo]: Wanna play Minecraft with ussss

[Gaymz]: Why would I do that

[Larsy Poo]: Because everyone else is playing and you’d be an asshole if you said no now 😊

[Gaymz]: Not everyone

[Gaymz]: Dave isn’t playing

[Gaymz]: Rob hasn’t decided if he’s playing or not

[Gaymz]: And Jason is still somehow charging his controller

[Bun Dad]: I’m playing! My controller is schafegd!

[Gaymz]: Jason stfu I didn’t ask

[Bun Dad]: :(

[Guitar God]: Suddenly I’m down to play too

[Larsy Poo]: Exactly! So PLAY JAMES 😤

[Gaymz]: Well Rob still isn’t playing

[Rob 🎸]: Well now I’ll feel bad if I don’t play 😭

[Gaymz]: I’m gonna kill myself istg

[Larsy Poo]: 😏

[Larsy Poo]: Jamesssssss

[Gaymz]: Fuck off Lars

[Larsy Poo]: Jamieeeeee

[Larsy Poo]: Jimmy Boyyyyy

[Larsy Poo]: Jameothyyyyyy

[Larsy Poo]: Jimberlyyyyyy

[Gaymz]: Wut #littlebitch

[Larsy Poo]: HEY

[Larsy Poo]: NO

[Larsy Poo]: WE DO NOT USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE WITH KIRK AND JASON HERE

[Robert’s Bitch]: What 😭

[Bun Dad]: Guess I’m too innocent then 😭

[Robert’s Bitch]: It’s cause you’re just too cute 😘😘😘

[Bun Dad]: Ooo lala, look at you making my hart flutter 🥰☺️🤭

[Gaymz]: #._.

[Larsy Poo]: I think it’s decided Jamie Boy

[Gaymz]: Kill me

[Gaymz]: Fine

[Gaymz]: I’ll play your #stupid game

[Larsy Poo]: YAY

~Some Time Later~

[Guitar God]: JASON WHAT THE FUCK

[Bun Dad]: I donm know what you’re talking about 😊

[Guitar God]: YOU BLEW UP OUR HOUSE

[Bun Dad]: Oopsiw 😋

[Guitar God]: OOPSIE???

[Larsy Poo]: THAT SHOULDN’T BE THE TOPIC OF DISCUSSION

[Larsy Poo]: WHO TOOK RICKY

[Robert’s Bitch]: YOU DON’T DESERVE TO HAVE RICKY

[Robert’s Bitch]: HE’S MINE NOW

[Robert’s Bitch]: MWAHAHAHAHA 😈

[Larsy Poo]: YOU SON OF A BITCH

[Rob 🎸]: Baby why are you terrorizing Lars 😭

[Robert’s Bitch]: And Cliff 🥰

[Gaymz]: Tf what about me #asshole

[Robert’s Bitch]: WATCH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH

[Gaymz]: O_O

[Larsy Poo]: You know what

[Larsy Poo]: I’m willing to renegotiate

[Larsy Poo]: What do you want for Ricky

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Why did I agree to this game?

[Robert’s Bitch]: I’m willing to trade you a full suit of diamond armor for Ricky

[Larsy Poo]: No, a chest plate and some leggings 😤

[Robert’s Bitch]: A diamond chest plate, diamond leggings, and iron leggings

[Larsy Poo]: Deal

[Robert’s Bitch]: I’m waiting outside for you with Ricky

[Larsy Poo]: Okay

[Larsy Poo]: YOU PLANTED A BOMB AT MY HOUSE??

[Larsy Poo]: KIRK WHAT THE FUCK

[Robert’s Bitch]: RICKY IS MINE 😈😈😈

[Gaymz]: MY HOUSE

[Larsy Poo]: SHUT IT JAMES YOU WERE JUST STAYING WITH CLIFF AND I

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I genuinely hate you all.

Big Dick Daddy Cliff  has left the groupchat

[Gaymz]: This game fucking sucks #sucks

Gaymz  has left the groupchat

[Guitar God]: JASON WE CAN TALK THIS THROUGH

[Bun Dad]: No we cannot ☺️

[Bun Dad]: All of whag you own is mine

[Guitar God]: If I do that thing you really like tonight, will you stop terrorizing me?

[Bun Dad]: …

[Bun Dad]: I’ll rake to you guhs matwr

Bun Dad  has left the groupchat

Guitar God has left the groupchat

[Robert’s Bitch]: Okay, I’m bored now 😭

[Rob 🎸]: Me too 😭

[Larsy Poo]: Why do things never go my way 😢

Notes:

This fic is going to go on for a long time. Why? Cause I decided that there needs to be at least 100 chapters of this shit before I post the best quotes and Q&A chapters 😭

I also want to add that Kirk/Jason is not happening! I just think it’s funny to have at least one friendship where they just flirt!

Chapter 16: Repairs

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

Larsy Poo added Gaymz, Big Dick Daddy Cliff, and 2 other users to the group chat

[Bun Dad]: Guys I’m haviny some problems 😔

[Gaymz]: Inferiority complex?

[Robert’s Bitch]: Self confidence issues?

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Insomnia?

[Bun Dad]: WHAT??

[Bun Dad]: MO?

[Bun Dad]: FUCK????

[Responding To: [Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Insomnia?]
V

[Bun Dad]: Well that’s part’s truw

[Guitar God]: I can confirm that

[Bun Dad]: How??

[Guitar God]: Last week when you slept over

[Guitar God]: I woke up and you weren’t there

[Guitar God]: At exactly 2:33am

[Guitar God]: I walked around the house trying to see if I could figure out where you were, I was lonely, dammit

[Bun Dad]: 😅

[Guitar God]: And there you were in my kitchen

[Guitar God]: At the thirty-third minute of the second fucking hour of the day

[Guitar God]: Eating a turkey and mustard sandwich on TOASTED bread

[Guitar God]: You were wide awake

[Guitar God]: And you just told me

[Guitar God]: “Go back to sleep, you’re just dreaming”

[Guitar God]: So I did

[Guitar God]: And when I woke up, you were in my arms as if you never moved

[Guitar God]: But you didn’t wake up until 12:52pm because you didn’t sleep until so late!

[Bun Dad]: I-

[Larsy Poo]: Why do you keep track of these times??? 😭

[Guitar God]: You wouldn’t understand

[Guitar God]: Single ass bitch

[Bun Dad]: Play nice!

[Bun Dad]: We ztill need to dizcusss my problem!

[Rob 🎸]: What’s going on?? 🤔

[Gaymz]: If it’s something #stupid then I’m removing you from the gc #justsaying

[Bun Dad]: 🙄

[Larsy Poo]: James, hush

[Gaymz]: ._.

[Bun Dad]: ANYWAYS

[Bun Dad]: Mt bass won’t make ajy sound, jo katter what I do to it

[Rob 🎸]: Do you need a 9 volt?

[Bun Dad]: No, that bass doesn@5 use batteries

[Robert’s Bitch]: Have you taken it to get repairs?

[Bun Dad]: I took it to theee people and none of them could figure it out 😔

[Larsy Poo]: I think I know who could figure it out!

[Bun Dad]: Who?

[Larsy Poo]: Oh Clifffffff

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff Burton]: Please leave me alone.

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: All I ask is for one day.

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: It’s not that hard, I promise.

[Larsy Poo]: Please help my Jasey Wasey get his bassy wassy fixed 🥺

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Please don’t talk like that.

[Gaymz]: Bassy wassy 💀

[Guitar God]: Jasey Wasey 💀

[Larsy Poo]: SHUT YOUR DUMB FUCKING MOUTHS

[Larsy Poo]: Jason you gotta do it too for it to work!

[Bun Dad]: Do I have to?

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Please don’t.

[Larsy Poo]: Yes, you have too.

[Robert’s Bitch]: Oh good lord 😭

[Guitar God]: Oh GoOd LoRd

[Guitar God]: Shut up, you sound dumb

[Bun Dad]: Be nice!

[Robert’s Bitch]: Oh GoOd LoRd

[Robert’s Bitch]: ShUt Up, YoU sOuNd DuMb

[Robert’s Bitch]: LoOk At Me, I’m DaVe MuStAiNe AnD i HaVe No FuCkInG fRiEnDs

[Gaymz]: 💀💀💀

[Bun Dad]: Lars please don’t maoe me do thos

[Larsy Poo]: JUST DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

[Bun Dad]: 😰

[Bun Dad]: Oh Cliffy Wiffy 🥺👉👈

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Please don’t do that.

[Bun Dad]: Pease fix my bassey wassy 🥺👉👈

[Larsy Poo]: You gotta admit, Cliff

[Larsy Poo]: He’s going all out

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I’m going to kill myself.

[Bun Dad]: I promise to fake rweally good care of it 🥺👉👈

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I am going to take you out of my will, please stop.

[Bun Dad]: I jusy want it fixed, pwetty pwease with a cherry on top 🥺👉👈 😚

[Guitar God]: You’re seriously going to kiss another man over this?

[Robert’s Bitch]: And that man wasn’t me?? 😩

[Larsy Poo]: WHY DIDN’T YOU ACT LIKE THAT WITH ME KIRK??

[Robert’s Bitch]: Because you stink ^^

[Larsy Poo]: 😐😑😐

[Larsy Poo]: 😭

[Gaymz]: :)

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Okay, if I agree to fix it for you, will you stop talking like that?

[Bun Dad]: Yes.

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Okay, first, make sure your volume is all the way up.

[Bun Dad]: …

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Jason, I swear to God, if you say what I think you’re about to say right now, I’m going to commit multiple felonies and blame you.

[Bun Dad]: It’s fixed now 🥹

[Robert’s Bitch]: Yayyyy!!!

[Larsy Poo]: YIPPEE!!!!

[Rob 🎸]: Oml 😭

[Gaymz]: Why does this not #surprise me at all

[Guitar God]: Oh my lord, baby, was that all it was? 🤦

[Bun Dad]: Yes 😭

[Gaymz]: Wait, where is #cliffburton go?

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I hate you all, leave me alone.

Big Dick Daddy Cliff  has left the group chat

[Rob 🎸]: That’s honestly fair tbh

[Bun Dad]: I can’t argue it either :/

[Gaymz]: Who’s gonna get him back??

[Larsy Poo]: Give me like 10 minutes and I’ll suck his dick and then he’ll be begging to come back

[Guitar God]: WHAT

[Larsy Poo]: 👋

Chapter 17: Horniness

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

Larsy Poo  added Big Dick Daddy Cliff to the group chat

[Larsy Poo]: Okay but like who’s gonna suck my dick fr

[Robert’s Bitch]: I’M SORRY???

[Rob 🎸]: I beg your finest pardon??

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: I just opened up my messages, Lars.

[Larsy Poo]: Oh Cliffyyyy… 👅😩💦

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Get within twenty yards of me and I am shooting you with a rifle.

[Larsy Poo]: Why don’t you come help me baby 😩😩😩

[Big Dick Daddy Cliff]: Please just leave me alone.

Larsy Poo  changes Big Dick Daddy Cliff’s name to Perfect Cocksucker

[Perfect Cocksucker]: I don’t know how I feel about this at all.

[Larsy Poo]: Not repulsed, right?

[Perfect Cocksucker]: That’s one of the ways to describe it.

[Gaymz]: Lmao Cliff’s a cocksucker

[Larsy Poo]: Not the only one

[Larsy Poo]: Oh Jamesssssss… 👅👅👅💦

[Gaymz]: FUCK

[Gaymz]: GO AWAY

[Larsy Poo]: Come suck my little man, bbg 😩🍆💦

[Perfect Cocksucker]: Oh, I have no doubt it’s little.

[Guitar God]: Lmao

[Larsy Poo]: FUCK OFF

[Gaymz]: I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID ANYTHING WHEN I SAW YOU TEXTED

[Gaymz]: I’M MUTING THE GC

[Larsy Poo]: Just give my right ball a little suckle for me 💦

[Robert’s Bitch]: Hey @Bun Dad wanna come over and have pizza?

[Bun Dad]: Yeah!

[Robert’s Bitch]: Just put in the order, come over!

[Bun Dad]: Okay! 👍 

[Larsy Poo]: JAMES WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE THAT???

[Gaymz]: I FORGOT HOW TO MUTE GROUP CHATS, SHIT

[Larsy Poo]: JUST SUCK MY FUCKING DICK

[Gaymz]: #AHHHHHHHHHHH

[Robert’s Bitch]: I think we’re bad examples now :<

[Bun Dad]: Oh no :(

[Rob 🎸]: Man @Larsy Poo just leave them alone 😭

[Larsy Poo]: But I just want some head, is that too much to ask for? :<

[Gaymz]: Yes

[Perfect Cocksucker]: Absolutely.

[Perfect Cocksucker]: Okay, why did I keep my name like this for so long?

Perfect Cocksucker  changed his name to Cliff

[Gaymz]: Because you have a praise kink

[Cliff]: Fuck off.

[Larsy Poo]: Oooo, you do!!! 😃

[Gaymz]: And you can’t say you don’t because you didn’t deny it

[Larsy Poo]: Are you gonna be a good boy, Cliffy Boy 😚

[Cliff]: I think this legally constitutes as harassment.

[Cliff]: Please stop.

[Rob 🎸]: Okay, he asked politely, I think you gotta stop now 😭

[Cliff]: He should’ve stopped a while ago and yet here we are.

[Larsy Poo]: But

[Larsy Poo]: But 🥺

[Robert’s Bitch]: I don’t think you can plead out of this one, bro

[Larsy Poo]: WATCH ME

[Larsy Poo]: But 🥺

[Larsy Poo]: But @Rob 🎸 I want 🧠🥺

[Robert’s Bitch]: Okay I am not about to let you plead with MY man for head

[Robert’s Bitch]: I am not opposed to knocking you the fuck out

[Larsy Poo]: WTF

[Rob 🎸]: 😳

[Guitar God]: DAMN

[Bun Dad]: DAMN

[Gaymz]: DAMN HA

[Cliff]: I’m not opposed to it either.

[Larsy Poo]: CLIFF WTF???

[Larsy Poo]: AND DON’T LAUGH AT THAT JAMES

[Gaymz]: 😙

[Cliff]: Ask me, or James, for head again and I will block you.

[Larsy Poo]: …

[Larsy Poo]: Please???

Cliff  has left the group chat

1 user cannot be added to the chat because he has one or more users in the chat blocked

[Larsy Poo]: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

Notes:

I do not apologize for the scarcity of Dave

Also, the next time this fic updates is just to edit any mistakes I noticed cause I saw a few while rereading the fic

Chapter 18: The Forbidden App

Notes:

I changed the rating from “teen & up” to “mature” just for this

Lars_Ulrich & Clifford_Burton Private Messages

[Clifford_Burton]: I’m sorry for blocking you.

[Clifford_Burton]: Please forgive me.

[Lars_Ulrich]: No, I thought about it, and I need to apologize…

[Clifford_Burton]: That’s great. Please add me to the group chat.

[Lars_Ulrich]: Damn okay 🙄

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

Larsy Poo  has added Cliff to the group chat

[Cliff]: Guys, I discovered something crazy and it might cause some problems.

[Robert’s Bitch]: Hi Cliff!!! :D

[Cliff]: Hey, Kirk.

[Bun Dad]: Welcome back, Cliff!

[Guitar God]: It’s good to have you back

[Bun Dad]: I’m so happy to see you getting along do well with my criends :)

[Cliff]: We really don’t have time for pleasantries.

[Gaymz]: What’s up #Cliff

[Cliff]: Hi, James.

[Cliff]: Can we please talk about my issue now?

[Rob 🎸]: What’s going on??

[Rob 🎸]: Also, hi bro 🤙

[Cliff]: Guys, I have discovered a terrible app and it may heavily affect us.

[Gaymz]: It can’t be that bad

[Rob 🎸]: What’s the app called?

[Cliff]: I need to double check, they spelled it weird.

[Cliff]: But I found horrific things on there.

[Robert’s Bitch]: Like what??

[Cliff]: See for yourself.

[Cliff]: It’s called “Tumblr”.

[Gaymz]: I just downloaded it

[Robert’s Bitch]: Me too

[Robert’s Bitch]: What the hell is an “x reader”??

[Guitar God]: Is this all fanfiction????

[Cliff]: I think so.

[Gaymz]: Why do they have so many of me??

[Gaymz]: And why do these people think I have a breeding kink?

[Larsy Poo]: You don’t?

[Gaymz]: I hate you

[Robert’s Bitch]: They made me pretty accurate tbh

[Robert’s Bitch]: I just wish it wasn’t so obvious

[Rob 🎸]: Why are there so few of me?? Am I not that well liked? :(

[Robert’s Bitch]: You are, you’re just a private person :)

[Cliff]: My question is why they think I’m obsessed with oral sex?

[Larsy Poo]: You’re not????

[Cliff]: I’m not doing this with you again.

[Larsy Poo]: Valid

[Guitar God]: The fact that some of these people keep tagging me with Metallica is repulsive

[Robert’s Bitch]: Maybe it’s because you used to be in Metallica?

[Robert’s Bitch]: Quit bitching

[Bun Dad]: Oooo wait, what’s the bad boy Dave series???

[Guitar God]: Are you really reading “x reader” fanfiction about your own boyfriend?

[Bun Dad]: Yes

[Bun Dad]: Maybe I wan tyou to be my bad boy

[Guitar God]: I’m already a bad boy

[Bun Dad]: You own two pombhi’s, no you’re not

[Guitar God]: ._.

[Larsy Poo]: I actually like some of these fics so far!

[Gaymz]: Why does this not surprise me

[Bun Dad]: what are you readpmy?

[Larsy Poo]: Well I read this one called Plus One and then another called Precious!

[Bun Dad]: Send me some series if you find any you like plz

[Guitar God]: I will also add that I’m not listening to anything about these in the future

[Gaymz]: Why do these people want to ride my boots??

[Gaymz]: Like you do you but I didn’t expect it to be a frequent plot line

[Robert’s Bitch]: I never considered monster roleplay before…

[Larsy Poo]: Oh no, Rob

[Larsy Poo]: Prepare your anus

[Rob 🎸]: :(

[Cliff]: I didn’t expect you all to react like this. I expected you to be horrified.

[Guitar God]: I’m horrified at the number of fics tagging me with #metallica

[Gaymz]: #lol you used a ##

[Rob 🎸]: I just wished there was more about me :/

[Robert’s Bitch]: I mean, it is what it is, they’re just exposing me too much

[Robert’s Bitch]: But yeah, uninstall the app if you don’t like it!

[Cliff]: I probably will.

[Larsy Poo]: Y’all check this out!

[Larsy Poo]: I found a #cliff burton tag and there’s dozens of posts talking about how much they admire Cliff!

[Cliff]: …I might keep it for a while longer.

[Larsy Poo]: I knew that’d make you feel better

[Cliff]: Thanks, Lars.

[Larsy Poo]: Anytime, boo 😘

Notes:

!!Any Tumblr fics mentioned in this chapter get a shout out!!

Chapter 19: Cats Or Dogs

Notes:

I looked at Cliff’s sass and turned it up to 11 for this chapter

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

[Robert’s Bitch]: Okay, so I have a question for you guys

[Cliff]: This is either going to be something really minor or catastrophic.

[Larsy Poo]: What’s catatonic??

[Cliff]: Bitch, what the fuck did I just spell?

[Larsy Poo]: DON’T YELL AT ME

[Larsy Poo]: HOE

[Larsy Poo]: DUMB BASS PLAYING HOE

[Bun Dad]: :(

[Rob 🎸]: :(

[Cliff]: Lars, learn how to fucking read. Jesus fucking Christ.

[Cliff]: And don’t call bass players dumb.

[Larsy Poo]: OOOOO LOOK AT ME

[Larsy Poo]: I’M A BASS PLAYER

[Larsy Poo]: I’M ONLY GOOD ENOUGH FOR FOUR STRINGS

[Rob 🎸]: I actually mainly play 5 strings, you know this

[Bun Dad]: I like 5 ans 6 /trinsg:D

[Cliff]: Calm your tits, Lars

[Larsy Poo]: What are you gonna do if I don’t?

[Larsy Poo]: Huh??

[Guitar God]: Play something outside a basic rhythm and we’ll figure it out

[Larsy Poo]: HOE

[Cliff]: Okay, Dave, just because we’re friends now doesn’t mean we need to tag team on Lars. Hush.

[Guitar God]: Whatever

[Gaymz]: Both of you just shut the fuck up

[Gaymz]: Damn

[Gaymz]: Let Kirk ask his question

[Larsy Poo]: 😤

[Cliff]: Okay.

[Robert’s Bitch]: ANYWAY

[Robert’s Bitch]: Do you guys like 🐱 or 🐶 more?

[Cliff]: Whichever approaches me first. I’m not picky.

[Robert’s Bitch]: See? I like that answer

[Cliff]: :)

[Rob 🎸]: Baby, you should know this by now

[Robert’s Bitch]: Uh

[Robert’s Bitch]: Um

[Robert’s Bitch]: Well 😅

[Rob 🎸]: You actually forgot! :0

[Robert’s Bitch]: I did not!

[Rob 🎸]: Then what is it?

[Robert’s Bitch]: …

[Robert’s Bitch]: 🥺

[Rob 🎸]: Wowwwww

[Robert’s Bitch]: I’M SORRY 😭😭😭

[Rob 🎸]: I’m just kidding lol

[Rob 🎸]: I’m more of a cat person

[Robert’s Bitch]: Oh 😭

[Bun Dad]: I mean, if you wanted my honest opinion…

[Larsy Poo]: Are you gonna say bunnies?

[Bun Dad]: Yeah! 😄

[Larsy Poo]: THEN NOBODY ASKED

[Bun Dad]: KIRK JUSG DIDN

[Bun Dad]: DAMN

[Gaymz]: What is with you #today #lars?

[Bun Dad]: Whatever 😤

[Bun Dad]: It’s a hadd devision but I’d pick dogs fover cats

[Robert’s Bitch]: I can respect that

[Robert’s Bitch]: And the bunnies

[Bun Dad]: THANK YOU

[Bun Dad]: HEAR THAT LARS

[Bun Dad]: SHORT LITTLE DANISH PRICK

[Cliff]: Easy, Jase.

[Bun Dad]: HE INSULTED MY BUNNIES

[Bun Dad]: NO

[Larsy Poo]: WHATEVER

[Larsy Poo]: Anyways, I’ll pick horses 😊

[Bun Dad]: LARS YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER

Larsy Poo  removed Bun Dad from the group chat

Guitar God added Bun Dad to the group chat

[Robert’s Bitch]: AS I WAS SAYING

[Robert’s Bitch]: Please try to keep it to one of two options 🙃

[Larsy Poo]: Then maybe I’ll pick cats!

[Gaymz]: Lol pussy

[Larsy Poo]: PUSSYYYYYYYY

[Robert’s Bitch]: ._.

[Robert’s Bitch]: Anyways, I prefer cats too

[Guitar God]: Nobody asked

[Robert’s Bitch]: OH

[Robert’s Bitch]: WHAT DO YOU PREFER DAVE

[Robert’s Bitch]: OH WAIT

[Robert’s Bitch]: NOBODY ASKED

[Gaymz]: I like both equally and have stolen many off the streets

[Robert’s Bitch]: :)

[Bun Dad]: @Guitar God please just answet the questipn nicely

[Guitar God]: Whatever

V[Responding To: [Robert’s Bitch]: WHAT DO YOU PREFER DAVE]

[Guitar God]: I prefer dogs

[Robert’s Bitch]: NOW WAS THAT SO HARD

[Robert’s Bitch]: FUCK

[Bun Dad]: I rhink Kirk lost all of his pateince 😅

[Bun Dad]: Wanna go get susho??

[Robert’s Bitch]: Yes please 🥹

[Rob 🎸]: Can I come??

[Robert’s Bitch]: As long as it’s okay with Jason

[Bun Dad]: Yeah, that’s fine!

[Bun Dad]: Maybe if Dave behaves himself, he cam come with

[Bun Dad]: We can make it a double date!

[Bun Dad]: What donyou think, Dave

[Guitar God]: Sure

[Bun Dad]: WOO! We’ll see you tel in twenty!

[Robert’s Bitch]: Bet

[Gaymz]: You know

[Gaymz]: Watching this makes me feel very single

[Cliff]: To be honest, it makes me feel single too.

[Larsy Poo]: Why don’t you both come over and I’ll make you feel less single 😩

[Gaymz]: ._.

[Cliff]: No.

[Larsy Poo]: :(

Notes:

The moment you’ve all been waiting for is going to happen in the next chapter 🫢

Chapter 20: Triple Threat Mini Series Part 1/10: The Realization

Notes:

So 3 things:

1. YAY! The moment you have all been waiting for! However I’m going to make it a 10 part mini series because I’m evil 😈
2. I’m ending this series once we reach 100k words or once we reach 100 chapters, whichever comes first (with two little extra bits at the end of course 😉) (not including this series, if the 10th part ends of being the series finale, which I doubt it will be, then so be it. But it’s getting 10 parts regardless
3: AND THERE’S A PLOT TWIST AT THE LAST PART 😱 It’s something I’ve contemplated for a while and I’ve decided it’s happening, hope you like it!

Lars_Ulrich & Kirk_Hammett Private Messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRK

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRK HAMMETT

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRK LEE HAMMETT

[Lars_Ulrich]: @Kirk_Hammett

[Kirk_Hammett]: JFC WHAT

[Lars_Ulrich]: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, IT’S IMPORTANT

[Kirk_Hammett]: WHY ME?? I’M BUSY

[Lars_Ulrich]: DOING WHAT? GETTING FUCKED

[Kirk_Hammett]: NO, FUCKING

[Kirk_Hammett]: And Rob just saw our chat and now he’s mad at me, so this better be good

[Lars_Hammett]: Depends on how you wanna take it… 😓

[Kirk_Hammett]: Well why aren’t you talking to James about this? Aren’t you two best friends??

[Lars_Ulrich]: Yeah, wellllllll

[Lars_Ulrich]: It’s going to be a little complicated from here on 🫣

[Kirk_Hammett]: Why??

[Lars_Ulrich]: Cause I may

[Lars_Ulrich]: OR MAY NOT

[Lars_Ulrich]: Have a crush on James

[Kirk_Hammett]: 😂

[Lars_Ulrich]: What???

[Kirk_Hammett]: Lars

[Kirk_Hammett]: I love you

[Kirk_Hammett]: But I don’t believe you

[Lars_Ulrich]: WHY

[Kirk_Hammett]: Let me list off some reasons for you

[Kirk_Hammett]: You tried fucking EVERYONE in the group chat

[Kirk_Hammett]: You made a point to drive him insane every time you talk to him

[Kirk_Hammett]: You invited his old fling to the group chat

[Kirk_Hammett]: When said fling was first invited to the chat, you made a point of pointing out whenever they actually got along instead of acting like they hated each other, like they did, and still do

[Kirk_Hammett]: The one time you did make a point to compliment him, you did it when you were harassing EVERYONE, so it didn’t seem genuine

[Kirk_Hammett]: You both make more effort to disrespect each other than to actually act like friends

[Kirk_Hammett]: You publicly embarrassed him

[Kirk_Hammett]: Well, “publicly”

[Kirk_Hammett]: You blackmailed him

[Kirk_Hammett]: You left him drunk, on the sidewalk, so that you could get fucked by some random guy

[Lars_Ulrich]: Who was a dick, by the way

[Kirk_Hammett]: That’s neither here, nor there

[Kirk_Hammett]: Tho I don’t entirely blame you for that one

[Kirk_Hammett]: He laughed when I threatened you

[Lars_Ulrich]: Bitch

[Kirk_Hammett]: 😊

[Kirk_Hammett]: In any case, if you really like him, I’d talk to him about it

[Lars_Ulrich]: There’s just one other thing

[Kirk_Hammett]: ??

[Lars_Ulrich]: I may or may not like Cliff as well

[Kirk_Hammett]: WHAT WHAT WHAT

[Kirk_Hammett]: WHAT WHAT

[Lars_Ulrich]: Please don’t freak out 😰

[Kirk_Hammett]: WHAT WHAT WHAT

[Kirk_Hammett]: WHAT WHAT WHAT

[Lars_Ulrich]: Kirk please calm down 😥

[Kirk_Hammett]: WHAT WHAT

[Lars_Ulrich]: KIRK

[Kirk_Hammett]: SORRY

[Kirk_Hammett]: Sorry

[Kirk_Hammett]: I just didn’t expect that

[Lars_Ulrich]: Neither did I 😭

[Kirk_Hammett]: Okay, so, now I see why you’re freaking out about this

[Kirk_Hammett]: But, it’s okay

[Kirk_Hammett]: But are you POSITIVE that you like both of them? Or just one or the other? Or liking them at all?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Well I’ll put it to you like this

[Lars_Ulrich]: When I flirt with you, Jason, Rob, and Dave, the one time, I did it for the funny shit

[Lars_Ulrich]: As for James and Cliff?

[Lars_Ulrich]: After a while I wanted them to respond back

[Kirk_Hammett]: Shit, Lars 😳

[Kirk_Hammett]: I’m also letting you know now that Rob was reading this whole interaction

[Lars_Ulrich]: …

[Kirk_Hammett]: Lars?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Hi, Robby! ☺️👋

[Lars_Ulrich]: Please look away while I say this

[Kirk_Hammett]: He isn’t looking anymore

[Lars_Ulrich]: Good

[Lars_Ulrich]: YOU BAD-AT-SUCKING-COCK COCKSUCKING HOE I WILL THROAT FUCK YOU

[Kirk_Hammett]: 💀

[Kirk_Hammett]: Do you want me to talk to them for you?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Well

[Lars_Ulrich]: Not necessarily

[Kirk_Hammett]: Well what DO you want me to do?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Do you happen to know anyone who was in a poly relationship before this so I can get some advice?

[Kirk_Hammett]: I do, but you’re not gonna like it

[Lars_Ulrich]: I’m sure it can’t be that bad

[Kirk_Hammett]: Well…

[Kirk_Hammett]: It’s Dave

[Lars_Ulrich]: …

[Lars_Ulrich]: Fuck

Chapter 21: The Triple Threat Mini Series Part 2/10: Flirtation

Lars_Ulrich & Dave_Mustaine private messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: Oh Daveyyyy… 🥹

[Dave_Mustaine]: Lars, go away

[Dave_Mustaine]: Leave me alone

[Lars_Ulrich]: BUT I WANNA TALK TO YOU

[Dave_Mustaine]: No

[Lars_Ulrich]: WHY

[Dave_Mustaine]: Cause you’re a hoe

[Lars_Ulrich]: EXCUUUUUUUUSE YOU

[Lars_Ulrich]: I am NOT a HOE

[Dave_Mustaine]: Sure

[Lars_Ulrich]: BUTTTTTTTT 😊

[Lars_Ulrich]: I need your help 🥹😘🙏

[Dave_Mustaine]: Why

[Lars_Ulrich]: Because I have been told you are experienced in the problems that I am currently facing 😁

[Dave_Mustaine]: Good for you

[Lars_Ulrich]: JUST HELP ME GOD DAMMIT

[Dave_Mustaine]: 🙄

[Dave_Mustaine]: With what

[Lars_Ulrich]: Poly relationships 🥺👉👈

[Dave_Mustaine]: Are you really asking me for relationship advice

[Dave_Mustaine]: When you almost ruined my relationship with Jason

[Dave_Mustaine]: The love of my life

[Lars_Ulrich]: …Yes

[Dave_Mustaine]: I hate you

[Dave_Mustaine]: So fucking much

[Dave_Mustaine]: Never speak to me again

[Lars_Ulrich]: DAVE WAIT

[Lars_Ulrich]: I’D BE ABLE TO HELP YOU

[Dave_Mustaine]: How?

[Lars_Ulrich]: I’d be able to get your fling off your backkkk

[Dave_Mustaine]: What do you mean

[Dave_Mustaine]: Wait

[Dave_Mustaine]: Oh my fucking god

[Dave_Mustaine]: So James is one of them?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Yes 😅

[Dave_Mustaine]: WAIT IS THE OTHER ONE CLIFF

[Lars_Ulrich]: 😊

[Dave_Mustaine]: I’ll have to get Jason involved in this one

[Lars_Ulrich]: Oh no 😭

For This Dumb Bitch

Dave_Mustaine  added Jason_Newsted & Lars_Ulrich to the group chat

Jason_Newsted changed his name to Jason

Jason changed Lars_Ulrich’s name to Lats

Jason  changed Dave_Mustaine’s name to Dave

[Dave]: So you will not believe what this bitch just told me

Lats changed his name to Lars

[Jason]: Ahat did he sai?

[Dave]: You wanna tell him, or should I?

[Lars]: 😅

[Dave]: He just asked me for relationship advice

[Jason]: Really??

[Jason]: After the triuble he caised?

[Lars]: I’M SORRY

[Lars]: DAMN

[Jason]: You don’t vene have a relaxionship, do you,?

[Jason]: Or was it that giy you met at the bar in chapter 10?

[Jason]: How are things doing with him?

[Lars]: Yeah, no, he ended up being a MASSIVE asshole

[Lars]: I’ll tell you about it the next time we hang out

[Lars]: Maybe we’ll invite Kirk too, I know how much he loves the gossip

[Jason]: Ooo, that’s be fun

[Jason]: But it it’s not him, then who it is?

[Dave]: Oh, that’s the kicker

[Dave]: It’s TWO people

[Jason]: WHAT

[Jason]: WHO

[Jason]: TELL ME

[Jason]: I bet it’s Nikki Sixx 🤣

[Lars]: FUCK OFF

[Lars]: NO

[Lars]: HE’S AN ASSHOLE

[Dave]: Just tell him

[Lars]: Uh…

[Lars]: It’s James

[Lars]: And Cliff

[Jason]: …

[Jason]: Are you being for real right now?

[Lars]: Yeah 😭

[Jason]: That’s

[Jason]: Oh

[Jason]: That’s toough

[Lars]: NO SHIT

[Jason]: Onay, it’s fine, it’solau

[Dave]: Honestly, all you can do is be open and honest with them and figure out how they feel

[Lars]: BUT IT’S SO SCARYYYYY

[Dave]: It is, but it’s really the only way you can know how they really feel

[Jason]: And if things do go south, we’ll be here to help!

[Dave]: JASON will be there to help

[Jason]: Okay, I will be there to help

[Lars]: Thank youuu 🥹

[Lars]: Can I get some moral support for when it happens?

[Jason]: No

[Jason]: I’m still mad at you

[Lars]: ☹️

[Jason]: But I will toak to Ckiff and see ho he feels about you

[Lars]: THANK YOU JASEY

[Lars]: And Dave

[Dave]: Uh-huh

[Jason]: Np

For This Dumb Bitch has been deleted

Lars_Ulrich & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: And one last word of advise

[Lars_Ulrich]: ???

[Jason_Newsted]: If hou wver

[Jason_Newsted]: EVER

[Jason_Newsted]: Hurt Cliff the way you have hirt Dave and I

[Jason_Newsted]: Or Hurt James the way you’ve alwadrh have

[Jason_Newsted]: I will tear you limb from linb and throw you in the ofean over Sydney so you bever are seen again

[Lars_Ulrich]: Okay 😰

Notes:

They’re starting to become self aware…

Chapter 22: The Triple Threat Mini Series Part 3/10: The Art Of Seduction

Clifford_Burton & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: quoco quepctoon

[Clifford_Burton]: What’s up?

[Jason_Newsted]: Do upu loke anuone rogjt npw?

[Clifford_Burton]: Man, I don’t know.

[Clifford_Burton]: I’m kind of conflicted right now.

[Jason_Newsted]: Wdym?

[Clifford_Burton]: Well I already knew that I liked someone before. But then I started feeling the same way about someone else and now I’m starting to hate myself, in a way? Because I’ve been told my entire life that love is between two people and then suddenly I love two people? So it makes me wonder if I’m really just infatuated with them.

[Jason_Newsted]: Want me to be honest with you ajd not He you say anytkong anput it to anyone else?

[Clifford_Burton]: Sure.

[Jason Newsted]: Dave have been in poly relationships hefore

[Clifford_Burton]: What’s a poly relationship?

[Jason_Newsted]: Basically it’s a relationshp where thrrew or morw pekre are involes in some wau

[Jason_Newsted]: With consemt and riles, of course, so it’s not like cheaying

[Clifford_Burton]: Interesting.

[Jason_Newsted]: Like, I’m not sayuong thy you are poly, but I ak saying yhat they’re very notmal and your feelins are calid and very normal for someone who is new who this wjole thing

[Clifford_Burton]: That actually really helps. Thank you.

[Jason_Newsted]: No probpem

[Jason_Newsted]: But if you do have questions about poly relationshps, I’d do to Dave

[Clifford_Burton]: Okay.

Dave_Mustaine & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: Hey, I just want to let you know that Cliff is probably going to come to you with some quedtions soon

[Dave_Mustaine]: Why?

[Jason_Newsted]: Well I asked Cliff if he liked ahyone like I said I would

[Jason_Newsted]: And he admit that he tbinks he liems two people (didn’t say who, btw) but felt really guilty about it, to put it simply and I yold himd about your previous poly relationships and to go to you if he had any questions aboht it

[Dave_Mustaine]: Oh, okay

[Dave_Mustaine]: 👌👍

[Jason_Newsted]: 👁️❤️🫵

[Dave_Mustaine]: 👁️❤️🫵2️⃣

Lars_Ulrich & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: So I just talked to Cliff

[Lars_Ulrich]: AND???

[Jason_Newsted]: It’s a solid maybe at best

[Lars_Ulrich]: FUCK

[Lars_Ulrich]: Can you maybe talk to James for me too plz?? 🥹🙏

[Jason_Newsted]: Are you fucking serious

[Jason_Newsted]: Fine

[Jason_Newsted]: But only because you said please

[Jason_Newsted]: You’re luck youMre my friend

[Lars_Ulrich]: Thank you pookie 😚

[Jason_Newsted]: Wtv

James_Hetfield & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: Question

[James_Hetfield]: #q&a #answer

[Jason_Newsted]: Do you like anyone

[James_Hetfield]: I guess

[Jason_Newsted]: Who??

[James_Hetfield]: Fuck off

[Jason_Newsted]: Valid

Lars_Ulrich & Jason_Newsted private messages

[Jason_Newsted]: That one was also a solid maybe

[Lars_Ulrich]: DAMMIT

[Jason_Newsted]: Can I not di this shit now?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Ig

[Jason_Newsted]: 👍

James_Hetfield & Lars_Ulrich private messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: I have a question for you bbg

[James_Hetfield]: #wsp

[Lars_Ulrich]: Do you happen to like anybody?? *bats eyelashes cutely* 🥹

[James_Hetfield]: Okay

[James_Hetfield]: First, never do that again, I am genuinely fucking repulsed

[James_Hetfield]: Second, why does everyone keep asking me that today??

[James_Hetfield]: Fuck off with that shit

[Lars_Ulrich]: Okay 😔

[Lars_Ulrich]: But I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today? I was gonna invite Cliff too

[James_Hetfield]: Oh fr #??

[James_Hetfield]: I’m down, I’m omw

[Lars_Ulrich]: Sweet!!! 👍

Lars_Ulrich & Clifford_Burton private messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: So I have a question for you my favorite brunetteeeee

[Clifford_Burton]: I thought Kirk was your favorite brunette?

[Lars_Ulrich]: He comes in a close second ❤️

[Clifford_Burton]: That’s actually really nice to hear. Thank you.

[Lars_Ulrich]: Ofc

[Lars_Ulrich]: Anyways, I wanted to know if you liked anyone?

[Clifford_Burton]: It’s complicated and I’d really rather not go into further detail on that

[Lars_Ulrich]: That’s valid tbh

[Lars_Ulrich]: But did you wanna come over?? James is coming over too

[Clifford_Burton]: This isn’t a trap, is it?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Nope! We just haven’t hung out in a hot minute and because of the two pairs of lovebirds hanging out and having double dates all the time, I thought it’d be fun for the three of us to get together and hang out!

[Clifford_Burton]: That does sound fun. Let me get ready and I’ll be on my way.

[Lars_Ulrich]: Awesome!!

Lars_Ulrich & Kirk_Hammett private messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: So I just invited them overrrrr

[Kirk_Hammett]: That’s good! Does that mean you’ll address your feelings for them?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Not exactly 😈

[Kirk_Hammett]: …What does that mean

[Lars_Ulrich]: I’m gonna try to get in their pants!

[Kirk_Hammett]: …

[Kirk_Hammett]: Oh no…

Notes:

Just got a new piercing today :D

It’s making me feel very euphoric about my gender, just saying.

I also just noticed the lack of Rob in this fic lately. I need to fix that somehow, I’ll figure out how (cause he’s genuinely my favorite to write for tbh besides the other two bassists)

Chapter 23: The Triple Threat Mini Series Part 4/10: The Five Stages Of Grief

Notes:

Sorry this part took so long to get out, hope you enjoy tho!

Lars_Ulrich & Kirk_Hammett private messages

[Kirk_Hammett]: How’s your little… “plan” going?

[Lars_Ulrich]: Cliff is still on his way and James just pulled in 😊

[Kirk_Hammett]: Dude, I highly suggest against this plan

[Kirk_Hammett]: You could just talk to them like a normal person

[Lars_Ulrich]: BUT IT’S SO SCARYYYYYYYY

[Kirk_Hammett]: And I get that, but you need to be an adult

[Lars_Ulrich]: You sound like Cliff rn, I could kiss you

[Kirk_Hammett]: Ew

[Kirk_Hammett]: No

[Lars_Ulrich]: Asshole

[Kirk_Hammett]: Let me just get you some extra help

Lars’ Group Therapy Session

Kirk_Hammett  added Robert_Trujillo, Dave_Mustaine, and 2 other users to the group chat

[Dave_Mustaine]: What is this?

Jason_Newsted  changed his name to Jason

[Lars_Ulrich]: You didn’t have to name the chat that 😭

[Kirk_Hammett]: Yes, yes I did

Jason  changed Lars_Ulrich’s name to Lars

[Dave_Mustaine]: This isn’t some self help bullshit, is it

[Robert_Trujillo]: Probably not, but we could all use it tbf

[Dave_Mustaine]: Fair tbh

Jason  changed Dave_Mustaine’s name to Dave

[Kirk_Hammett]: So I’m assuming you’ve all heard about Lars’ little situation with James and Cliff, right?

Jason  changed Kirk_Hammett’s name to Kirk

[Dave]: Istg if this is us trying to help him, I will genuinely throw myself off a bridge

[Kirk]: And I hope you do

[Kirk]: But that’s not the point here

[Dave]: 🙄

Jason  changed Robert_Trujillo’s name to Rob

[Jason]: Be nice you two

[Lars]: THEY’RE BOTH ABOUT TO WALK INSIDE WHAT DO I DOOOOO

[Dave]: Open the door for them?

[Rob]: 😭

[Kirk]: I mean, better than his original plan 😭

[Jason]: what was his original plan?

[Kirk]: It’s Lars, guess

[Rob]: It was inappropriate, wasn’t it?

[Kirk]: Yep

[Rob]: PG-13?

[Kirk]: Rated R

[Rob]: 😨

[Jason]: Lats, whatevee your middle name is, Ulrich!!

[Lars]: 😊

[Dave]: It’s not going to work at all

[Dave]: But you do you

[Kirk]: Come on, now

[Kirk]: He’s just nervous

[Kirk]: We need to push him in the right direction

[Dave]: Hey, I already told that crotch goblin that I wasn’t helping him at all

[Dave]: Ask Jason

[Kirk]: Jason?

[Jason]: He did say that tbh

[Rob]: Maybe it won’t be so bad!

[Lars]: Help I just asked them if they wanted a drink and they both said beer and I said “Sorry, I only have grape juice” in spite of acting like I had options 😭

[Rob]: But don’t you always have beer?

[Lars]: That is true

[Jason]: Si what happened after?

[Lars]: So I gave them both beer and they asked me why I told them that I only had grape juice so I said that I just poured grape juice in empty beer bottles to practice better recycling 😭

[Kirk]: I—

[Dave]: What?????

[Lars]: I DON’T KNOW

[Jason]: What’s going in how)

[Lars]: I asked them what they wanted to do so Cliff suggested that we could play cards

[Rob]: See! That’s fun!

[Lars]: And then I suggested strip poker

[Kirk]: Okay, not as fun

[Lars]: I WAS NERVOUS 😥

[Jason]: Depeonds whi you ask ngl

[Dave]: 😏

[Jason]: 🤭

[Kirk]: You two need to be horny later

[Kirk]: We need to help Lars

[Lars]: Uh

[Lars]: Might not be necessary anymore

[Rob]: Why? What happened??

[Lars]: So I kinda told them that I liked them

[Jason]: WHAT???

[Kirk]: REALLY? HOW’D IT GO??

[Dave]: Did they reject you lmao

[Lars]: Well they looked at me weird after I suggested strip poker

[Lars]: Which was a fair reaction, honestly, we’re not together and none of us were drunk

[Lars]: And they both asked me why and proceeded to tell me no

[Lars]: So I yelled and said “But I’m so into you both! Please love me!”

[Lars]: And they both sat in silence

[Lars]: And then they got up and left

[Rob]: Oh, Lars… <:(

[Kirk]: Oh no, are you okay??

[Lars]: I’m fine

[Jason]: We’re here to talk if you want??

[Lars]: It’s okay

[Dave]: I’m really sorry about my joke from earlier, I didn’t think it was that bad

[Lars]: It’s fine

[Lars]: I just need to think for a little while

[Lars]: Thanks anyway

Lars  left the group chat

Chapter 24: The Triple Threat Mini Series Part 5/10: Denial

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

Cliff  has left the group chat

Gaymz has left the group chat

[Larsy Poo]: NO

[Larsy Poo]: NONONONONO

[Larsy Poo]: FUCK

[Rob 🎸]: Oh no

[Robert’s Bitch]: Hey, I’m sure it’s okay!

[Larsy Poo]: THEY LEFT THE FUCKING GROUP CHAT NO IT’S NOT

[Bun Dad]: I’m sutpr thei just need some time to figopre this whole thing out

[Guitar God]: Yeah, you’re just being irrational

[Larsy Poo]: …

[Larsy Poo]: Excuse me

[Guitar God]: ???

[Larsy Poo]: Did you just say I was being irrational?

[Guitar God]: Well

[Guitar God]: Yeah

[Larsy Poo]: I WILL KILL YOU YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

[Larsy Poo]: I JUST LOST TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS OVER THIS SHIT

[Larsy Poo]: FIX IT

[Larsy Poo]: FIX

[Larsy Poo]: IT

[Robert’s Bitch]: Yelling is not going to fix anything!!

[Robert’s Bitch]: We’ll get it figured out, I’m sure!

[Rob 🎸]: Yeah!! Maybe text them???

[Larsy Poo]: GOOD IDEA

James_Hetfield & Lars_Ulrich private messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: I’m really sorry about what happened earlier, can we talk it out??

The message cannot be sent out because the user has you blocked

Lars_Ulrich & Clifford_Burton private messages

[Lars_Ulrich]: Can we please talk out what happened earlier? I’m sorry

The message cannot be sent out because the user has you blocked

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

[Larsy Poo]: …

[Bun Dad]: Whatvv

[Larsy Poo]: They both blocked me

[Robert’s Bitch]: I’M SORRY??

[Larsy Poo]: Two of my favorite people just blocked me for having feelings for them

[Larsy Poo]: I’m never having feelings for anyone ever again

[Robert’s Bitch]: It’ll be okay!

[Larsy Poo]: NO IT WON’T

[Larsy Poo]: IT WON’T BE OKAY

[Larsy Poo]: I HATE YOU

[Larsy Poo]: YOU WHORE

[Robert’s Bitch]: Okay, yeah

[Robert’s Bitch]: Not a part of this anymore!

[Robert’s Bitch]: Die alone! :D

Robert’s Bitch  has left the group chat

[Guitar God]: Wow

[Guitar God]: For once, Kirk went off on someone that wasn’t me

[Guitar God]: But I feel kind of bad

[Bun Dad]: It’s calld enpathy bayeb 

[Guitar God]: Wow, I had no idea, thank you, Jason

[Bun Dad]: You’re wlecome! :D

[Rob 🎸]: Okay, let’s all just calm down

[Rob 🎸]: Do you want my honest opinion of what you should do here, Lars?

[Larsy Poo]: YESSSSS 😢

[Rob 🎸]: They might need space rn tbh

[Larsy Poo]: WHATTTTTTTT

[Rob 🎸]: Hear me out

[Rob 🎸]: They both got told at the exact same time that the person who overly sexualizes EVERYONE has a crush on THEM in particular, especially considering that none of you have likely been in a poly relationship before

[Rob 🎸]: So it may not exactly be a rejection, just them taking time to process it, immaturely

[Larsy Poo]: Oh, I guess you’re right

[Rob 🎸]: I know 😌

[Larsy Poo]: I hate it

[Rob 🎸]: That’s fair, I get it

[Guitar God]: Great, so can we go now?

[Larsy Poo]: FUCK YOU DAVE

[Guitar God]: Fair enough

[Guitar God]: You gonna defend me, Jase?

[Bun Dad]: Mope, you earmed thao one

[Guitar God]: Can’t argue that

[Larsy Poo]: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT

[Guitar God]: Gladly

Notes:

I’m sorry this took so long to get out, I’ve gotten sick of writing poly stuff around the time the sixth chapter of Polytallica came out and the chapter before this one came out so it made thing complicated
But I’m hopefully back on my groove, enjoy!

Chapter 25: The Triple Threat Mini Series Part 6/10: Anger

The Stupid Dumb Bullshit

[Larsy Poo]: YOU KNOW WHAT

[Larsy Poo]: FUCK THEM BOTH

[Rob 🎸]: I don’t think you mean that

[Rob 🎸]: I think you’re just mad

[Larsy Poo]: THEY’RE BOTH BITCHES

[Guitar God]: I mean, James; yes

[Guitar God]: Not Cliff tho

[Larsy Poo]: DON’T TALK SHIT ON MY BITCH, BITCH

[Guitar God]: ✋😐✋

[Bun Dad]: Hey, you teox, be nice’n

[Larsy Poo]: YoU dOn’T kNoW wHaT iT’s LiKe

[Bun Dad]: Amuse me lars, I don’t knpw what what’s lie

[Larsy Poo]: BEING REJECTED SO COLDLY

[Bun Dad]: I do, actually

[Larsy Poo]: BY WHO??

[Larsy Poo]: CAUSE YOU GOT DAVE

[Larsy Poo]: AND YOU GUYS ARE SO DAMN HAPPY IT’S SICKENING

[Bun Dad]: I’s rather not disclose that

[Guitar God]: How long ago was this??

[Bun Dad]: It doesn’t mattee, it was way before you and I really started to get to mnow each other

[Guitar God]: Mind me asking who it was??

[Bun Dad]: It was Frank Bello

[Guitar God]: THAT BITCH??

[Guitar God]: I BET YOU HE HAD A SMALLER DICK THAN ME

[Bun Dad]: It really doesn’t matter, we never got together 😭

[Guitar God]: OH BUT IF YOU TWO DID, THEN WE WOULDN’T BE A THING??

[Bun Dad]: It really isn’t like that

[Guitar God]: 😤✋

[Guitar God]: DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME

Guitar God  has left the group chat

[Bun Dad]: Omfg

[Bun Dad]: I donMt even understand how I was si suprised by him being this jealous when we got together

[Bun Dad]: Brb, gotta go talk to him

[Robert’s Bitch]: What did I miss?

[Rob 🎸]: Not much

[Rob 🎸]: Lars being mad and talking massive shit on James and Cliff

[Rob 🎸]: Dave getting really jealous over finding out who Jason asked out before he got with him

[Rob 🎸]: Dave leaving the group chat, and Jason going to talk to him to hopefully sort things out

[Larsy Poo]: SHUT UP ROB YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING

[Robert’s Bitch]: Great

[Robert’s Bitch]: Fucking great

[Robert’s Bitch]: It’s going to be one of those days

[Rob 🎸]: I’ll come over and cuddle with you, we could watch some movies :)

[Robert’s Bitch]: That sounds really nice, actually :)

[Larsy Poo]: STOP BEING SO HAPPY AROUND ME

[Larsy Poo]: FOCK

[Robert’s Bitch]: Okay, Lars, I need you to shut the fuck up for five minutes, please

[Robert’s Bitch]: I’m sorry this happened to you but that doesn’t excuse you being a cunt

[Larsy Poo]: YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU CUCK

[Rob 🎸]: Now is not the time for fighting!!!

[Rob 🎸]: I understand you’re in a frustrating situation, but you can’t be mean to people, Lars

[Rob 🎸]: And I get people can be annoying sometimes, but that doesn’t excuse calling Lars names, Kirk

[Robert’s Bitch]: I guess he’s right, sorry Lars

[Larsy Poo]: …I GUESS I’m sorry too

[Rob 🎸]: Perfect, now

[Rob 🎸] @Bun Dad wya?

[Bun Dad]: Busy rn text in 20

[Robert’s Bitch]: Did they… “make up”?

[Rob 🎸]: Shit, I think so

[Larsy Poo]: Tf? What does that mean??

[Robert’s Bitch]: …There is no way

[Rob 🎸]: We won’t get into that right now

[Rob 🎸]: But I think I know what’ll cheer you up!

[Larsy Poo]: What is it?

[Rob 🎸]: A nice ol’ trip to the bar

[Rob 🎸]: Maybe we can get you a hookup while you’re there!

[Larsy Poo]: Okay but why not the club for that

[Rob 🎸]: Because Kirk and I would be going with you and we don’t need people dancing up on us, and we’re gonna try to bring Dave and Jason too

[Robert’s Bitch]: Wait I’m going too?

[Rob 🎸]: Yes you are

[Robert’s Bitch]: I guess I am

[Rob 🎸]: You and Dave want to go too @Bun Dad ?

[Bun Dad]: Sure! Well, as long as nothing comes up

[Rob 🎸]: Bet! It’ll be a blast tomorrow!

[Larsy Poo]: I’ll take your word for it 🙂

Notes:

I felt really motivated to write today and I have no idea why

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Metallica Groupchat