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Jiang Wanyin. Not many knew the name now. Whenever anyone would talk about him, it’d be in hushed whispers– It was as if his name was a taboo, not to be mentioned anywhere in the palace.
Many said he was a beauty, with skin as fair as jade, and eyes as sharp as blades. The emperor, once upon a time, was smitten by the beauty, and had brought him back to the palace with him.
But then suddenly one day, the emperor fell out of love, and broke off their marriage. The poor beauty was locked away, locked away in the Cold Palace, all alone. Many pitied him.
A few years ago, he was the emperor’s concubine, soon to be consort– now, he was the lonely, weak, sickly, frail concubine who was slowly withering away, awaiting death.
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
He is tired now, washed up, and no longer concerned about how he looked; robes hanging loose around his shoulders as he sits with legs spread like a crude commoner. ‘My time is over’, he thinks. No one would find him beautiful anymore. Except, of course, the general who can’t stop staring.
The general is very nice, and brings him warm food every day. They sit down and talk for hours at a time. Jiang Wanyin loves listening to the general's stories..
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
“Ahhh, in another life, if only I could have been a soldier like you. Rather than this forgotten thing…locked away for good.” The concubine knocks back another cup of liquor as the general watches stray droplets trickle down his chin, down his throat. The general gulps.
He’s been staring for a while..Jiang Wanyin is a little concerned, but whatever. It just gives him more time to take in the general's pretty features..the pretty eyes, the sharp jawline, the broad shoulders.. Ah, to have a body like a general, or just a healthy one.
He takes the cup from the general's hands and refills it. Their fingers touch in the transfer, but Jiang Wanyin tries to ignore the warmth of it, the softness. He's known for a long time that those things are privileges he can no longer afford.
But at this rate, he might just end up falling for the general, just like he did with the emperor a few years ago. Tsk, tsk. Here he was making the same mistake again..but the feeling was just too lovely, too nice to ignore. Maybe..for a little bit?
It’s okay to cherish it while he can..right? Is it, is it really okay? Jiang Wanyin doesn’t know– but, he’ll just hold on. Hold on to the general for as long as he can.
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
“I'd take you away from here, you know? If you’d let me.”
Jiang Cheng laughed. Such arrogant, sweet words. The general really was too kind for his own good. Really, what was the man even thinking? Jiang Cheng wasn’t worth it.
“The emperor would have my, and your head on sticks…You’ve heard the rumours, haven’t you?..About what he’s done..what he’s capable of..”
When the general didn’t say anything, Jiang Wanyin continued.
"..Moreover..you should go live your life, as a general. If you were to take me with you..you're just gonna be stuck in a place, unable to go here and there due to my sickness and stupidly weak frail body..I’ll be holding you back. I wouldn't want that for you.."
I wouldn't want for you to get bored and discard me, just like him.
The general’s eyes never left Jiang Wanyin’s face, wide with a childish sincerity.
“Why would that be so bad? To be stuck in a place with you..for eternity. That sounds like a blessing rather than a curse.”
Jiang Wanyin bit into his lip with a self-effacing, hurt sort of smile. “Stop being sweet,” he warned. “Or I'll get ideas about you.”
Don't give me hope, only to shatter it. Once is enough. I do not wish to be hurt again.
As if reading his mind, the general reached out to his face, gently cupping the side, caressing his cheek. Jiang Wanyin felt himself melt into the touch. He wanted to lean into it, wanted to feel the warmth of it against himself— He didn’t. He resisted.
"..Wanyin..I want you to get ideas about me. I'm serious about this, I really am."
Jiang Wanyin twisted away from the touch, his brow furrowing. “General Pei…don’t be so irresponsible with your words..”
Jiang Wanyin felt his heart squeeze– Ah, why did it hurt so much? Why, why had he been naive enough to fall in love with someone again? Had he not promised to give up on love after the emperor?
The general closed his hand over the air, as if trying to grab onto what was left of Wanyin’s essence there.
“I wouldn't lie to you, Wanyin.”
Jiang Cheng shook his head, smiling again.
“The emperor once said the very same thing to me. I do not repeat my errors, General Pei.”
The general retracted his hand with a sigh. Ah, if only Jiang Wanyin would give him a chance, Pei Ming would love him to no end- the general would show him what true love was. He would give Wanyin the love, the dedication the man deserved– The general would love him, to the moon and back, with all of his heart.
"..Wanyin."
“My chance at love has long passed. Like a flower that blooms only once in a lifetime.” Jiang Wanyin tucked his legs under himself, looking away from the general’s piercing warm gaze.
Pei Ming watched as the other man’s smile dimmed a bit, just the slightest bit. And ah, it stung. Even now, his smile was so pretty. It always lit up his day. It was as beautiful as it was rare– like cherry blossoms in a cold, cruel winter.
Pei Ming, despite spending a lot of time with the man, had rarely seen him smile. Pei Ming..he, he just wanted the man to be happy- He wanted to make sure that Jiang Wanyin could smile freely, every day.
“I have experienced loved once, already. Towards a man who would torture me, tear me apart, and then discard me.”
There was bitterness in his face more than anything. Bitterness, and…forlorn longing.
“Torture…” The general’s voice was soft. Jiang Wanyin had alluded to such things before, but had never said so explicitly.
“Yes, from our very first wedding night. And I have the scars to prove it. Would you like to see, General Pei?”
Before the general could respond, he reached for the collar of his robes, watching for Pei Ming’s reaction, for his fear, his disgust. But the general just looked sad, concerned, and another emotion, brewing beneath his surface.
“Emperor Jun…is a man of special tastes, you see.”
The general didn’t say anything. He just..intently stared. Seeing that the general had no intention to speak, Jiang Wanyin continued.
“..Possessive…short tempered…and sadistic.”
Every word from Jiang Cheng’s mouth could land him a thousand lashes each. Yet they dripped from his lips like a voluntary poison, leaking into Pei Ming's hands like a burning elixir.
“On our wedding night, he wanted to make sure I would only be his.”
Jiang Wanyin lifted his robes off his shoulders, revealing the pale milky skin beneath. He knew his skin looked sickly, collarbones jutting through, casting dark shadows on his body. And there, in those shadows: burnt skin, branded red and puffy, the seal of the emperor Jun Wu.
The general's eyes widened upon seeing the seal and a burning flame of rage rose within him. He wanted to reach out, reach out and help heal the wounds the seal had caused- but of course, everyone knew- the emperor's seal was permanent.
Not even the emperor could revoke the seal. And that was why, Jiang Wanyin..had been discarded. Ah, how the general's heart ached- how badly he wanted to hold the sickly man in his arms, take him away and protect him from the world..the cruel would that had hurt him so badly..
Jiang Wanyin’s eyes were flecked with tears, wide as he tried so hard to keep it all in but couldn’t. “This was what he did on our wedding night,” he said. “What do you think he did on the others, when he got bored of merely branding my body?”
I'm ruined, don’t you see? Why would you want me?
"..Wanyin..I-"
Jiang Wanyin couldn’t do it anymore. Just a little push, and he was going to lose against his own will. A little more and he’d break his promise to himself- He didn’t want that, didn’t want to fall in love again.
"Pei Ming, I say this for your own and my well-being. Don’t come back after this."
The general's blood froze. Jiang Wanyin turned away from him. He couldn't..bear to see the general in such a hurt state. He didn't want to. Nor did he want to accept the fact that the man would continue to stay. Surely, surely the man would leave once he hurt him enough, no?
"Wany-"
"Ming Guang, leave."
Pei Ming reached for the other man, hurt and confused.
“Let me…” he whispered. “Let me make it better…”
Jiang Wanyin chuckled again. “Make it better, how? With any luck, I'll die soon. There is nothing left to make better..This flower’s petals have long been shed away with those autumn leaves years ago.”
Pei Ming didn’t know what to say to that. So, he just reached out, grasping the other’s hands in his own, tightly. He wasn’t good with words, anyway.
Jiang Wanyin bit into his lip harder. Why wouldn’t the general leave? Why was he insisting on staying so much? It was like he was someone special, but he was just..a discarded thing, something someone else had left behind.
"..Pei ming, leave. Leave, before I.."
Before I give up and make the same mistake again. Please, please leave. please, don't give me hope, please-
"Wanyi-"
"Please."
"...."
The warmth left Jiang Wanyin’s hands and settled over his bare shoulders.
The first thought Jiang Wanyin had was, ‘It has been so long since I've been touched this way’. The second thought was, ‘These hands are much warmer.’ Pei Ming’s forehead settled on the top of Jiang Wanyin’s head.
“Wanyin, don’t you know, I've been trying to seduce you for months. I've been trying to steal you away all this time. So don’t make me leave, when all I’ve wanted was…all I’ve wanted was to pick up the petals you’ve left behind. To place them safely in my arms. To love them, Wanyin. To love you. Since I've known you, I've always just wanted to love you.”
A strange warmth flooded Jiang Wanyin's heart then- one he hadn't felt in a long time. Ah, and it felt so- so wonderful, to be held like this, to be treated like this..And that is why, he had to resist.
"...L-Leave, then. Pei Ming. If you ever truly loved me, you will leave me here, right this instant."
Jiang Wanyin couldn't be selfish and keep Pei Ming with him. No, he couldn't be this selfish and keep the general with him- He didn’t deserve it. He had to do this. He didn't deserve the general.
Of course, the general wasn’t one to back off, not when it was about the one man he loved with all his heart, since the moment he laid eyes on him.
"Then, if that is the case- then, I do not love you." Jiang Wanyin went stiff at the sudden proclamation. A sudden- yet, familiar aching sensation appeared in his chest.
"If loving you means I have to leave you alone to suffer, if loving you means you have to stay here, in this hellhole- Is it not better if I don't love you? Wanyin, if..if you say that loving you means me leaving you here alone, then- then, I don't love you, I don't love you at all."
Jiang Wanyin was glad his back was turned, otherwise the general would’ve been able to see his tears, his pain, his heart broken in two.
“Good, then,” he uttered. “Don’t love me, general Pei. Though, whether or not you love me, it does not matter in the end..This sickly body will find its home in the ground soon enough. Better to not love me, to forget me as the summer forgets the spring. Let this season of yours change without me, Pei Ming. It…”
Jiang Wanyin felt his voice break. “It hurts too much, to have you here.” At the words, the general’s arms wrapped around Jiang Wanyin’s shoulders, hugging him tightly.
Jiang Wanyin sobbed openly, then. It was all too much, too much.
More than he deserved. More than the general could entirely take and understand the full gravity of.
“I don’t want to see you anymore. Every time I look at you, I think of how I will die and leave you behind. I was okay with dying before. Why did you have to see me, Pei Ming? Why did you have to make me want to stay here, in this wretched place, with my wretched wine, with these wretched scars? Why did you have to make any of this seem worth it…if…if you could at least smile at me, at the end of a long day…”
Pei Ming felt his heart break. He- ah, he was going to cry. This, is this what heartache was called? He hadn't known the pain before- but now? Now, it felt as if the pain was a part of him.. he didn’t want to let Wanyin– his Wanyin go. He didn’t want to leave him here, not like this..
But, what could he do when Wanyin wasn't willing to accept him, willing to go with him? If they had met at a different time, if only Pei Ming had met Jiang Wanyin before the emperor, they could've had..something beautiful.
If he had found Jiang Wanyin earlier, his Wanyin wouldn't have suffered. He wouldn’t have gone through the cruel torture inflicted by the emperor. But now? Now, it was too late- the damage had been done. And there was nothing he or Wanyin could ever do about it.
Fate had given its answer. They, them together- It wasn't possible.
“I'm…sorry.”
It was an apology with the depth of the entire world. All that Pei Ming couldn’t do, all the time and pain that he couldn’t reverse. the scars he couldn’t heal, the love he couldn’t…give.
His heavy head fell into the nook of Wanyin’s neck as he sobbed openly as well, the weight of his heart creating an orbit of pain and regret through his body. What was worst of all, was that he knew his apology meant nothing, would change nothing.
He was still a general with no power of an emperor. Wanyin was still sick, and trapped in the cold palace, filled with scars inside and out. The general had never felt so powerless, so useless ; unable to give even an ounce of reprieve to the one person he felt deserved it most of all.
What use was his prowess as a general, when he could do nothing to protect the one he wanted to protect? What was the point of all his titles, his power— when the one person he wanted to protect was hurting this badly?
The one person, the one person he wished to protect, the one person he cherished more than life itself was here, hurting, in front of him, and he was able to do nothing about it.
It was as if the world was laughing at him, ridiculing him, for having such power yet still being unable to protect the one he wished to protect. It was the first time in his life— the first time in his entire life that the general had felt this helplessness, this uselessness.
“I’m so…I’m so sorry.”
Pei Ming held Jiang Wanyin tightly in his arms even as he knew his touch was poison, was deadly corrosive against delicate Wanyin’s skin.
How selfish, how awful, how terrible was he to seek to warm the one he loved with his useless hold.
“Pei Ming” Jiang Wanyin’s throat sounded strained. Like a dying animal. It made Pei Ming’s heart feel like one as well. “If you’re sorry…then let go of me…”
In many ways, Pei Ming was still a child of the world. The youngest general in a hundred years. A man who had only just fallen in love for the very first time six months ago, in the twenty-fourth spring of his youth, willing to do anything to appease the pain of his most beloved one.
So, instead of letting go, he said, stubbornly: “I won’t”, and held Wanyin closer, tighter, willing him to be absorbed into Pei Ming’s body, to become him entirely, to be safe inside the soft cage of his ribs.
But Jiang Wanyin only sighed.
“Promise me, then.”
“Wh—?“
“Promise me you’ll leave and never come back.”
“No, I’m not going to do that, I’ve—“
“Promise me you won’t come back till you’ve overthrown the emperor.”
“…”
“Promise me right now, Pei Ming. Promise me you’ll never return or ever show me your face, till you overthrow the terrible emperor. Promise it.”
Of course, just the mere idea of it was ridiculous– A general, overthrowing an emperor? It was impossible. Impossible for even a general like Pei Ming.
The general swallowed, his heart beating fast. Such an impudent idea. Such blasphemy to suggest out loud. Such a mission, which Pei Ming will make into his life’s work.
Because, for Wanyin- for his beloved, he would attempt anything. For Jiang Wanyin, he would attempt even the impossible.
“Wait for me, Wanyin. I will make it so.”
Jiang Wanyin chuckled. “I'll look forward to the day you take me away, Pei Ming.”
Jiang Wanyin was grateful he wasn’t facing the other man. His tears wouldn’t stop. Overthrow the emperor? Ridiculous— what nonsense. This, all of this..was just to get the general to leave him.
And the general, young and foolish as he was, did leave him, peppering promises on the way, eyes wide with a hope Jiang Wanyin had long forgotten how to feel.
Wanyin looked at the almost-finished jar of wine after the general left, pondering its emptiness, the way it awaited its end, too.
Jiang Wanyin smiled at the general’s fading silhouette.. ah, he was an awful person, wasn’t he? lying to someone who loved him so dearly.. most likely, this was the like time Jiang Cheng would ever see the general. He engraved that silhouette into his head. Jiang Wanyin smiled bitterly to himself.
He was so cunning, so selfish.. his heart ached, ached so badly. Even after he himself had gotten rid of the general. How could he be so selfish? How cruel of him, how cruel of him to still..to still hope, that the general would remember him.
Ah, but weak as it made him– He hoped. Hoped that the general wouldn’t forget him.
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
It took Pei Ming only four months to overthrow the emperor Jun Wu.
The resistance was there from the start, merely waiting for a great general to head their cause. A gleaming victory. A success of the people. A tale for history books and war songs for years to come.
It took Jiang Cheng only three months to die.
The sickness had been growing for too long. the torture imbued by his husband manifesting in the deep inflections in his flesh. It was a quiet death, with no one to watch him.
Jiang Wanyin pondered to himself right before the end that, surely, that great general which people cried praises for, would have forgotten already that wretched sickly thing, hidden away in that cold room, who once waited for him each day, with a new jar of wine, and half a hopeful smile.
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
The general, immediately after his victory, went to find his beloved.
Finally, they could be together— finally, Pei Ming could love Jiang Wanyin the way the man deserved. Pei Ming knocked on the doors of the man’s chambers. His heart was thumping loudly in his chest.
Finally, he could see his Wanyin, his smile again. What face would the man make when he saw him return? Perhaps, he’d finally accept his courtship, and then they could work on their future..
There was no response from inside. Perhaps Wanyin hadn’t heard the knocking. Pei Ming knocked again, calling out to him this time.
“Wanyin, it’s me. I did it, as I promised you.”
There was no answer.
Hell, Pei Ming couldn’t even hear a single sound.
“Wanyin? Wanyin, open the door, it’s me..it’s me, your general, your Pei Ming. I won, and now I’m back..”
Still, there was no response.
“This— Wanyin, this isn’t funny. I'm coming in, don’t shout at me for being inappropriate, alright? I'm coming inside.”
The general forced the door open— walking inside.
“Wanyin, I'm here..I’m here, to take you away..”
Nobody was there. The general’s voice echoed inside the empty room. The room was dusty, part of it was even covered in cobwebs— The room hadn’t been used in many days.
“W—Wanyin. This..this isn’t funny anymore. I-I fulfilled our promise, see? I came back for you, we can be free n-now..”
Of course, there was no response. What response could he get from an empty room, anyway? Why would there even be a response?
Time slowed down. The general kept calling out to ‘Wanyin’, yet there were no answers. Why would there be answers anyway? The dead couldn’t talk to the living, it wasn’t possible. It was just that the general was too stubborn, too stubborn to accept the truth.
Even knowing the truth— the general kept calling out the man’s name desperately. Maybe if he sounded desperate enough, a response would come. Maybe, maybe if the call was sincere enough, a response would come.
How pathetic, how utterly pathetic. It was as if the heavens was simply playing with him, as if fate had played a cruel joke on him. The universe was laughing at him, ridiculing him.
Pei Ming's world had been shattered— completely broken into pieces. The man fell on his knees, continuously chanting ‘Wanyin’, over and over. The poor, pathetic man believed, even now- that if he called for him, his beloved would hear him.
Maybe, his beloved did hear him. A gust of wind blew, and a piece of paper flew by, landing in front of the general. It was a handwriting the man could recognise like the curves of his own hand.
‘I'm sorry,
General.’
Such simple words— written beautifully, with such delicate strokes, with such care. And that, that was the last straw for him. The general broke down into sobs, then and there— mourning the death of his beloved. Yet, nobody heard his cries– The others were too busy celebrating, celebrating the end of the cruel emperor’s rule.
Pei Ming, he mourned alone, all alone, with nobody else to see him. He mourned alone, while the rest of the world celebrated.
Was his beloved watching him from up above? What was Jiang Wanyin thinking in his final moments? Had he died a peaceful death? Was his beloved thinking about him in his final moments? These, these were questions nobody could answer; questions Pei Ming would never find the answer to.
He felt something warm around him, yet, there was nothing. It was as if the warm air around him was trying to give him comfort. That was the last day the great general— Pei Ming, feared by hundreds for his unparalleled swordsmanship, ever cried.
The only witnesses to this event, were the items that lay on the table next to him: an unopened wine jar— with two cups.
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
Epilogue—
As many men do, the great general Pei Ming appeared to have moved on. With men and women alike, the general played with all their hearts, never once surrendering his own to be held by another.
When the general ascended, his careless ways never stopped, always searching for the next new fling to take his mind away from whatever may have plagued it so insistently into each day and night. Never, ever, stopping. Never not thinking of the one he had left behind.
Others would scold him, leave dirty looks in his wake for the man he was, the man he had become. But Pei Ming never looked at them. In everyone’s eyes, he was merely looking for those violet greys. A shade never replicated in another, the way it had once shone for his smile, his silly stories, the pointless words of a young and foolish general who knew so little of the world.
But now he knew, now he knew. Now he bore that knowledge far too late in its wake, like scars on a collarbone. Like a dead heart broken, scattered away. Knowledge meant nothing to him anymore. On the surface, he would remain as everyone saw—
They can call him a shameless god, a philandering idiot with no honour to his name. It didn’t matter to him. The only person whose thoughts ever mattered to him was long gone. On the surface, no one ever saw how he felt, and he never let another see. But in the palace of Ming Guang, there lay an altar, never to be touched.
Two cups for wine, and a jar. Full, and never drunken.
.
.
.
END