Chapter Text
Nagi loved Reo endlessly. It was written all over his face, all the time. The way his eyes softened when he spotted the purple haired, or the way the corners of his lips would peek upwards whenever he would call out for him.
It was always like this.
He would love him for evermore, and nothing could ever change that.
He thought it was obvious. Everyone said it was. If that was the case, why did they fall apart? Why was he sitting alone, without Reo? Why did this happen? Where had he gone wrong? Unanswered questions that wouldn’t die until the day Nagi did. Perhaps in the afterlife, he could meet Reo again and get the answers he always longed for. And maybe, he could kiss him just one more time.
[——]
If you had asked Nagi his favourite colour years ago, he would always say grey. Now, he will always say purple.
[——]
Nagi’s life was full of Reo. His clothes smelt like him: lavender and sometimes a hint of coconut. He had a special ringtone for Reo, which was only his voice. His apartment was filled with photos of him, and often held the man himself inside, too. His home screen was Reo, and his mind was always filled with him.
There was no surprise to anyone but Reo when he asked him to be his boyfriend, but he inevitably said yes. They had been happy ever since.
Reo and Nagi lay together on Nagi’s bed, their limbs tangled together and heartbeats in sync.
They had spent the previous night watching Reo’s favourite movies and cooking his favourite meals, all for no particular reason. Well, Reo did all the cooking, and Nagi had fallen asleep on the couch.
It was all so good.
“Mm, morning Reo.” Nagi said sleepily, tightening his grip around Reo’s waist, pulling him closer. “You do know it’s almost one, right?” Reo said, pressing a gentle kiss onto his collarbone. Nagi shrugged, “oh well,”
Reo found Nagi’s hand, their palms meeting and fingers slotting against one another. “You’re a terrible influence.” Reo responded affectionately. “You love me.” Nagi replied simply. Reo mused, “do I? I don’t know, you tell me,” he teased in response.
Nagi kissed him, a soft, lively kiss. Reo’s breath hitched against his, like it did every time. It was addictive; Nagi couldn’t get enough of him. He would never get enough of him. “You love me.” Nagi repeated. Reo sighed, defeated. “I guess I do.”
Reo smiled gently, a smile that puts the sun itself to shame. He ran his thumb along Nagi’s knuckles absent-mindedley. It was ridiculous how much Reo could play with his heart, the way he tugged at its strings so easily, the way he made it squeeze at the smallest smile. “I have something for you, the next time I see you.” Reo said, using his free hand to trace a line on Nagi’s collarbone. “You always do.”
“Do I?” Reo said thoughtfully, pretending to be deep in his thoughts.
“You’re so annoying.” Nagi mumbled, burying his head in Reo’s hair. “You love me.” Reo said, a wide grin on his face. There was a small pause, before Nagi confessed quietly, “yeah.”
Reo was the first to move, untangling their legs and sitting up. “Get up,” he said, attempting to pull the taller boy up. Nagi made a small noise of acknowledgement, his eyes closed again.
Eventually, Reo got him up on his feet. “Want to go out for lunch?” He asked, as he folded their blanket. Nagi hummed, “maybe. I need to shower,” he shut the door behind him.
After he had finished, he called out for Reo as he always did. “Dry my hair for me?” He asked, and Reo did. “So, what about it?” He asked, as he finished. “Hm?” Of course Nagi had forgotten. “Want to go out to lunch?” Reo smiled at him through the dim reflection in the mirror, ruffling his hair with a towel and tossing it aside. “Oh, can’t. Going to the arcade with Isagi and Bachira,” he responded with an indifferent shrug.
“Oh.” Reo said quietly. “Yeah.” Nagi said standing. He trudged away heavily, leaving Reo to follow after him. “Well, do you want me to make you something? You haven’t eaten,”
Nagi didn’t respond, only grabbing his keys. “Nagi?”
“I’ll be fine. I never really eat that much, anyway,” he said. Nagi didn’t need Reo to look after him, he just did. It made his heart squeeze a little tighter every time. “Okay, have fun.” Reo planted a kiss on his cheek, smiling at him brightly. “I will.” Nagi said.
Reo’s smile faltered. Nagi didn’t notice.
[——]
The start of the end, as Reo recalls.
[——]
Nagi hadn’t seen Reo the past few days. When he returned home from the arcade that evening, Reo was gone and the door was locked.
They texted and called as they always did those days, but it wouldn't be a lie for him to say he missed the purple haired. He always did. Life was simply better when he was around. “I’m coming over,” he told him abruptly amid their call. “Reo, it’s almost midnight.” Nagi said sleepily, although he wasn't opposed to the idea.
“Please?”
Reo’s smile made Nagi’s heart ache with affection, even over the screen. “Yeah, okay. Come quick,” he said.
In less than 10 minutes, Nagi was holding his favourite person in his arms. He had barely made it through the door before Nagi scooped him into his arms and attacked him with affection. “I missed you,” Reo said after he finished laughing.
Nagi kissed his forehead, “I did, too.” he hummed, taking in Reo’s scent. It was all too familiar. “What do you want to do?” Reo asked, cupping Nagi’s face in his palm.
The honest answer was sleep, but that would never satisfy Reo. “Up to you,” he said, finally letting go of him. Reo set down his things, taking Nagi in his arms once more. “Maybe we could just… sleep,” Nagi nearly fell over by the suggestion.
“Well that’s new.” He said, earning him a spirited smile from Reo. “Yeah, I’m just tired. Come on,” he dragged him by the wrist towards his bedroom. They tumbled into bed together, falling asleep with their bodies pressed against each other.
Nagi should’ve known it was all a bluff. When he awoke only a few moments later, Reo was humming happily in the kitchen. “Reo,” he murmured drowsily.
Reo turned his head, smiling at the sight of the older boy.
“Hey,” he said, as Nagi hugged him from behind. “Why are you up?” Nagi asked. Reo laughed, speaking softly into his ear.
“Happy birthday,” he was the first person who had ever remembered since his parents. “Ah, you remembered.” Nagi pouted. “I have a gift for you,” he added gently. “You didn’t have to,” he frowned. “I know. But I wanted to,” Reo sighed, setting down the bowl. “Sorry, but this cake might suck.”
“Nonsense.”
He buried his face into the arch of Reo’s neck, his warmth and smell consuming Nagi whole. Reo hummed happily, continuing his creation of Nagi’s birthday cake. “Did you think I forgot?” He asked. Nagi shook his head, “you don’t forget.”
Reo laughed, “Nagi, I need to move in order to put it in the oven,” he attempted to escape Nagi’s grasp. The white haired pouted, upset, pressing a kiss to his jaw before letting him go.
“Any plans tomorrow?” Reo asked, sitting up onto the counter. “I don’t really remember,” Nagi responded with a shrug. “Let’s do something, like have lunch.” He said, laying his head on the table from where he had seated. “I’m sorry, Nagi. I have some stupid business meeting tomorrow.” Reo rubbed his forehead with his fist. “I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.”
“You should do something, though. With your friends. We can have dinner later, if you want.” Reo suggested, beaming at him. Nagi nodded, “okay.” Reo smiled in response, the corner of his eyes drawing upwards. “Good. I’ll buy you something. Or everything, if you want.”
He stared at Reo, “you’re so pretty, Reo,” he voiced absent-mindedly. Nagi smiled faintly when his cheeks tinted pink, “ Sei ,” he exhaled, sitting next to him. “What?” He asked, as Reo ran his fingers through his hair, smiling at him.
“Nothing. Just nothing.”
[——]
To have what they had then, Reo would give anything.
[——]
Nagi stepped into the dimly lit cafe, alone. Walking anywhere without Reo was such a pain. His first instinct was to search the room for Reo, but when no purple hair came into view, his second best option was the group of people yelling his name.
“Nagicchi!” Bachira chimed, waving aggressively as Isagi attempted to calm him down. “Mm, hi.” He mumbled, sitting down. “Happy birthday.” Isagi smiled at him. He shrugged, his hand instinctively going to the necklace that hung around his neck, the one Reo had gifted him the night before.
Barou was there too, unfortunately. “Here.” He said, shoving a neatly wrapped gift in his direction. He was surprised that he cared enough. “Ooh, ooh! I have one too!” Bachira said, pulling one from his bag and placing it next to Barou’s. “This one is mine, and this one is from Rin. I picked it up today,” Isagi handed him two more. Chigiri gave him one as well, “happy birthday,” he said.
Nagi was slightly taken aback by the amount of presents before him. The last time his birthday had been acknowledged was last year, but only by Reo. And before that, it was when he was 11. “Open them, open them!” Bachira sang.
And he did. Barou had given him a small cactus. “A friend for your thing. Reo said you thought it was lonely.” He had said. Bachira gave him the next two volumes to the manga he was currently reading. “Reo said you were reading it!” He smiled. Rin had given him some pins, keychains and stickers from his favourite video game, and Isagi gave him his favourite sweets and a gift card to a game shop. “Reo said that one was your favourite.” He told him. Chigiri gave him some clips for his hair, and a few decorations for Choki. “Reo can help you put them in, if you want. He said that, at least.”
These people didn’t know anything about Nagi without Reo. Surprisingly, he found it mildly endearing. “Thanks,” he said, collecting them all into a bag and asking Isagi to throw away the remaining trash, which he accepted hesitantly.
Nagi spent the day having fun. It felt bizarre, enjoying himself with somebody other than Reo. He knew Reo would be proud of him when he told him that night, he always was.
It was just past seven in the evening when he got home. He slumped onto the couch, curling into a ball. He grabbed his phone off the coffee table to a million texts and calls from Reo. He called him back. He picked up on the first ring.
“Where are you?” Reo said almost immediately. “I was out with Bachira, Isagi, Chigiri and Barou. I thought you knew.” Nagi said.
“I just ate dinner by myself , Nagi. In a romantic restaurant. You stood me up.” Reo scolded. “I didn’t mean to.” Nagi said sluggishly, already being pulled to sleep. “Of course you didn’t mean to, but you did. I looked like an idiot, waiting for you.” His voice cracked.
“I lost track of time,” Nagi said. “That doesn’t justify it, Nagi. Do you have an idea how stupid I looked? Do you have an idea how hurt I felt? My own boyfriend stood me up. You stood me up.”
Nagi opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. “You’re right. I don’t want to fight, Reo. I promise you I’ll make it up to you, okay?” There was a pause, momentary silence. “Okay.” Reo said slowly. Nagi smiled, “come over,” he said. Reo sighed, “coming.”
[——]
That was the loneliest he’d ever felt, as Reo remembers. But Nagi made him feel full again.
[——]
Nagi stared at the text on his phone. Isagi had invited him to a party at his house, and told him to bring Reo. “A party?” Reo’s voice spoke from the other side of the phone. “Mhm,” Nagi mumbled, still in bed. “Sure, I’ll come. Do you want me to pick you up?” He asked.
“I don’t want to go, Reo.” Nagi complained. Reo laughed delicately, his pretty laugh. “Why invite me, then? Come on, it’ll be fun.” He was very convincing, or maybe that was just Nagi being easily swayed by his lover.
He pouted, sinking into his pillow. “What if it’s loud? And what if I have to talk to someone I don’t want to talk to?” Nagi asked. “That’s okay. I’ll be with you, right? I’ll handle it.” Reo said, the sounds of his smile breaking through the screen.
Nagi imagined it, and all he could do was sigh. “I was hoping you would go and tell Isagi I’m sick.” He said, “a new update of my game is coming out tonight. I can’t miss it,” he added.
He could faintly hear Reo moving stuff around on the other side of the line, “ Seishiro ,” he breathed, his voice affectionate. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, okay? It’s your choice. If you want, we can just stay in tonight and watch something. But I want you to go.” Well, how was Nagi supposed to say no to that , to Reo .
“Mm, fine. Come over?” Nagi gave in, sitting up. “Coming.” He could hear Reo’s smile.
Reo was like his light, his presence instantly made Nagi brighter, happier . “Nagi,” he smiled fondly when he saw the white haired. Nagi sat up from his position on the couch, inviting the purple haired into his arms.
The invitation is accepted, his warmth pressing against Nagi’s chest. They lay there in silence, bodies against each other and loving one another all the same.
“Come,” Reo stood, dragging him onto his feet.
A smile tugged at his lips when he spotted the gold necklace wrapped around Nagi’s neck. “You’re wearing it.” He observed. “Obviously.” Nagi said. Reo laughed, taking the charm into his hands. Nagi could feel his breath fanning against his neck as he fumbled with it. “What flower is it?” Nagi asked, “you forgot,” he said softly, a small tease in his voice. “It’s a forget-me-not, my favourite.” Reo told him.
Nagi laced their fingers together, “I guess they’re mine, too.”
[——]
Looking back, Reo realises this was his fatal mistake.
[——]
Isagi’s house was recognizable from a mile away. It was the only brightly lit house at this hour, and there were maybe a million cars parked outside. Reo and Nagi held each other’s hands, squeezing through the crowds.
Nagi didn’t hate this as much as he thought he would, but only because Reo was there, right next to him. “Nagi! Reo!” Isagi called from the kitchen. The two made their way over, squishing between kissing couples and dancing singles. Nagi was pretty sure he saw at least 20 people he knew, but had lost count.
“Well this is certainly a hit,” Reo smiled, once they arrived in the slightly less crowded room.
Isagi sighed, defeated. “I invited a quarter of the people here, but Bachira and a million other idiots had to post about it.” He shot the dark haired boy a glare, which Bachira gracefully ignored.
Reo laughed, “well, it’s fun. I’m typically stuck in a room with people three times my age, so this is a good… change of pace.” He said. Nagi loved this boy so much. “Mm!” Isagi piped up, pulling out two red solo cups. “Do you want a drink?” He asked, popping open another can of beer.
“Sure.” Nagi shrugged. Reo shook his head politely, “I’m okay, thanks,” he said, as Isagi poured Nagi some and himself another. He looked up, noticing the way Reo was looking at him with concern.
“Don’t worry, this is only my second. You should be concerned about Rin, if anyone else. Speaking of which, I need to go help him throw up. Bye!” He darted off quickly, leaving the two stranded in his kitchen.
Reo looked over at Nagi, “don’t drink too much of that, okay?” he pointed at his cup. Nagi nodded, “yes, boss.”
The two separated shortly, Reo went somewhere Nagi didn’t know, while he somehow got pushed into a crowd of sweaty dancers. He stood awkwardly, trying to escape. Thankfully, Chigiri saved him. “Hey,” he said, surprised by the pink haired. “You look stupid,” Chigiri commented.
Nagi followed him to a couch, which seemed to have a million drinks spilled on it. He found the driest patch and sat. “I lost Reo.” He admitted.
“I can tell. Ugh, the amount of humidity here is ruining my hair,” Chigiri said, running his fingers through his hair.
“How many of those have you had?” Chigiri asked, peeking into his cup. “Only one.”
The pink haired pulled another can out of somewhere Nagi couldn’t decipher and dumped it into his cup. “You are gonna need a lot more to survive tonight.” Chigiri said. “I don’t think Reo would be happy–”
“Oh, please. It’s fine, he’ll take care of you. Just try not to throw up, okay?” Chigiri patted his shoulder before getting up and leaving. Nagi stared at his cup, unsure of whether or not he should just dump it in a toilet. He came to the noble decision that this was someone’s money, so he drank it despite the wretched taste.
Later that night, or perhaps early in the morning, Nagi found Reo again. “Nagi!” The purple haired called out to him. The white haired turned, smiling sheepishly at the sight of him. “Reoooo,” he said, hugging him tightly.
“Nagi, are you drunk?” Reo asked, pulling away. “Maybe, I dunno. Am I? Reo probably knows. Let’s go find him,” Nagi took Reo’s wrist and began to search for him, who he was holding. “Reooo,” he called. “Nagi! I’m right here,” Reo said, smacking his forearm. “Oh, yeah.”
Nagi kissed him instantly, wet and sloppy. It was like none of their other kisses, “I missed you,” Nagi breathed against him. Reo stared at him, eyes wide and cheeks tinted red. “Nagi, you're so drunk.” He laughed gently.
He sighed, shaking his head. “Let’s go home,” he offered, attempting to guide him towards the door. “I don’t want to.” Nagi whined; the same boy who whined about coming in the first place.
Reo tugged on his sleeve, “ Sei . Come on.”
“You can go if you want. I’m staying.”
“Nagi, stop. This isn’t safe.” Reo pleaded, “no! I’m having fun, Reo. Don’t ruin that for me. If you want, you can go home, but I’m not.” Nagi shook him off, beginning to walk away. “ Nagi !” Reo shouted after him, heads turned. “What?” Nagi turned, more people crowding around to look at them. “I love that you’re having fun. That’s amazing, but please . You’ve never been drunk before. I– I don’t want you to do anything stupid.” Reo said.
“I won’t, I promise. I’m not a child, you don’t have to baby me.” Nagi said. “I know you aren’t! If anyone knows, I do. And I’m not, I’m not babying you! I just… I don’t want you to do something reckless. Please, Nagi. Please .” He was practically begging. “I don’t care! God, Reo. You’re so selfish! I’m having fun, for once. I don’t want to go home. You go home, if you’re so insistent on it.” Nagi pushed past the crowd of people, disappearing out of Reo’s view.
Reo stood unmoving, lips slightly parted as he stared at the white haired pushing past people. Everyone around them murmured, exchanging glances. “Reo.” Chigiri stepped out, reaching for him. “No, no . Chigiri he–”
“I know, I know. It’s okay.” Chigiri hushed him, trying to pull him out from the centre of the crowd. “Am I wrong? I just want him to be safe, am I being too demanding?” Reo wiped away the few tears dribbling off his chin. “No, you’re not. You just want to protect him. It’s okay.”
Isagi and Barou dragged Nagi out of the crowd. “Apologise.” Barou shouted at him, hitting him over the head. “Ow.” Nagi pouted, folding his arms. “I don’t want to. Reo wouldn’t make me apologise. Let’s go find him. He’ll tell you all.” They all stared at him, unimpressed. “God, he is so drunk.” Chigiri sighed. Reo smiled gingerly, with a slight roll of his eyes.
“Reo’s right. You should go home Nagi, you can’t identify your favourite person when he’s right in front of you.” Isagi said. “Mm, no.” Nagi objected sleepily. He was so tired, he wanted to take a nap. Reo swallowed, “I know you don’t want to, and I’m not forcing you to, but I think we should go home. You look tired, Nagi, so we can just go to sleep. Okay?” Reo’s voice was so, so gentle.
Nagi frowned, “I’m not tired! If you want to go home, go home. I’m not stopping you, nobody is. I don’t want you here anymore, anyways.” All of their jaws seemed to fall open. Nagi blinked, confused. What did he say?
Reo pulled out his wallet, shoving a few bills into Nagi’s chest. “Call yourself a fucking cab.”
[——]
Reo remembers crying alone in his bedroom until sunrise.
[——]
Nagi couldn’t remember anything from the night before when he woke up the following morning. He had no new texts or calls from Reo, which was odd. However, he did receive a million texts from his other friends.
Why were they yelling at him? Reo would tell him later, he was sure of it. He had a pounding headache, but that was okay. Reo would come over later, and give him some medication. He would kiss his forehead and hug him close until they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
He rolled onto his back, his limbs sprawled out. He couldn’t help but have a sinking feeling in his stomach, like something was wrong.
He sat up, rubbing his eyes with his palms before reaching for his phone. He called Reo, who didn’t pick up. It went to voicemail, his perfect voice and perfect laugh echoing through the room, before it beeped. Nagi had never heard his voicemail before, he always picked up. But he loved it. He loved Reo’s voice.
God, he loved Reo.
That’s odd , he thought. He called him again. He didn’t pick up. Nagi let it rest for the day, spending it alone. The next day, he called again. Reo didn’t pick up. He felt frustration bubbling on the third day he didn’t pick up after many calls.
On the fourth day, he called him nonstop for nearly an hour. On the second ring of the 48th call, he picked up. “Reo,” he smiled, grateful he had picked up. Simultaneously Reo said, “leave me alone.” He hung up. Nagi stared at the phone, then called him again. “What, Nagi?” Reo said sourly. “Can we talk?” He asked, before Reo could hang up.
Reo paused, “I don’t want to, Nagi.” His voice was small. Nagi frowned, “I don’t remember anything, Reo. I just want to talk about it. Please.” he hugged his pillow close to his chest, eyes not tearing away from his phone.
Please .
“… okay.” Reo sighed. Nagi squished the pillow tighter, letting out a breath of relief. “I have to do something. I’ll come over after dinner.” He said, his voice hoarse.
It’s okay. We’ll fix this.
[——]
Reo wishes he could take it back, take it all back,
[——]
Nagi heard a knock coming from his front door. He could see the outline of Reo, his breathing shallow and his muscles tense. He opened the door, which he rarely ever did for Reo. The latter always welcomed himself in, but not this time. That was okay, though.
Reo scrunched up his face, his eyes not meeting Nagi’s. “Reo,” he said gently. He pushed the door wider, welcoming him inside. Reo remained silent, shuffling inside. His eyes were reddened, the sleeves of his sweater wet with tears. Nagi wanted to point it out, but figured he wouldn’t.
“I don’t know what to say.” Nagi confessed, staring at the purple haired. Reo scoffed, shutting the door behind him. “You don’t remember anything from that night?” Reo asked, after a moment of awkward silence.
Nagi shifted, “no.”
“Nagi… are you mad at me?” He said, “what? Of course not.” Nagi could never be mad at him. “Then why have you been so distant recently? You’re avoiding my texts, my calls, everything. You always call me days later asking me to come over, and I always just forget about it, because you’re you .” Reo said. Nagi couldn't remember anything like that. “What are you talking about, Reo?”
Reo exhaled shakily, “I’m trying desperately for us, Nagi. You just, you keep on pushing me away. You don’t respond until hours later, and you’re always busy. You barely ever have time for me anymore.”
Nagi wanted to object and tell Reo he had it all wrong, because he did. “I don’t get it, what’s your problem?” Nagi asked, tilting his head. Reo’s eyes widened, looking him in the eyes for the first time that night. “What’s my problem? I don’t have a problem, Nagi,” he retorted.
“Reo, I’m too tired for this. Let’s just go to bed, fighting is such a hassle.” Nagi murmured, reaching out for him. Reo retracted his hand quickly, his jaw locking. “ Sei .”
Nagi couldn’t understand anything that was going on. To him, they were nothing but perfect. They loved each other for eternity, and that was all they ever had been.
Reo was, well, Reo. He was all Nagi ever needed, he was all anyone ever needed. And Nagi was there, loving him. He didn’t understand anything the way Reo did.
“I’m sorry. Is that what you wanted me to say? I’m sorry.” Nagi waited for his expression to soften, but it only hardened. The callous apology had done nothing but hurt him more.
Reo shook his head, “this is starting to get ridiculous.”
Nagi couldn’t wrap his head around the idea they were fighting. Where had they gone wrong? “I don’t understand, Reo. What’s the problem? Why are we fighting?” He asked.
“You don’t understand? Really ? The problem is that I am sacrificing everything for us, when all you’ve ever given is 50%. The problem is that you keep choosing other people over me, over and over again. You keep on walking away and I’m fucking tired of chasing after you over and over again. The problem is that you keep on leaving me behind for everyone else. I keep on preparing myself for you to leave while still waiting for you to come back. Every time. All the time. And to be completely honest, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being second best. I’m sick of asking myself, ‘does he even love me anymore?’”
Nagi’s eyes went wide.
“Do you, Nagi? Do you even love me anymore?” Reo’s eyes were glossy, tears nearly surging out. “You’re Reo Mikage. Of course I love you.”
A glimpse of sadness flickered past Reo’s eyes, which Nagi barely caught. “Then show me. Because recently, I haven’t seen shit.” Reo exhaled, calming himself down a little. Nagi hesitated, “but we’re happy.”
Reo let out a huff of a laugh from his cracked lips. “No, Nagi. You’re happy. I’m just here, constantly chasing after you because I need you. Because I love you.” He winced at the words. At that point, Nagi would’ve preferred if he had cut him open and ran him over. He couldn’t do this.
“You’re not happy?” Nagi’s mouth had gone dry. “I was happier when I was the only one doing the loving.” It felt like someone had just stabbed him a million times. “But you love me.” He whispered, mostly to himself. Reo smiled softly, “I never stopped. I never will.”
Nagi bit his tongue. “I need you.”
“No, you don’t. Not anymore. You just continued pretending you did, so I would stay. But you’re okay, now.” It was all too much for Nagi to comprehend. Everything. “I do. I need you more than anything.” He sounded so desperate.
Reo’s expression softened, just for a fraction of a second. He was so delicate, so breakable. “I’m the one who needs you, Nagi. And yet, you were never there for me like I was for you. So I stopped. I stopped needing you.”
Nagi felt dizzy, listening to him ramble about how he didn’t need Nagi anymore, when Nagi still did. “Why?” Nagi asked, the only thing he could think of. Reo seemed infinitely smaller, like he almost didn’t want to say it. “You don’t want me anymore.” He responded.
Nagi’s vision blurred, his breath hitched and his heat ached. “What?” Reo’s lip quivered as he struggled to force words out.
“You told me so, Nagi.” He said. “No, no. What ? How could you think that?” Nagi blinked back wet, stinging tears.
“Why are you blaming me!? You’re the one who’s being distant, Nagi!” Reo retorted.
I wasn’t distant because I stopped loving you. I was distant because the longer I stayed the more you loved me, and I didn’t want to break you.
“I’m not! You’re just interpreting it all wrong!” Reo scrunched up his face, “am I now?” he looked as if he was about to cry, and all Nagi wanted to do was hug him close and comfort him until he fell asleep, and only then, would Nagi sleep too.
I guess I broke you anyway.
“I…” he trailed off. Reo sniffled, “you hurt me so bad at the party, Nagi. I know you don’t remember, but you did. I tried so hard to just brush it off, but I couldn’t. I can’t .”
Nagi didn’t know what he had said, what he had done, but he wished he didn’t. He wished he had talked Reo out of going. Oh, how he wished he could just figure out how to talk to this boy without messing it up, “please… forgive me.”
Reo opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. “I want to. I want to forgive you so bad. But… I can’t. I’m sorry.” Nagi blinked. Everything hurt, and the only person who could tend to his aches was causing them. But it wasn't really Reo's fault, was it?
No. It wasn't. It was Nagi's.
“I don’t understand what went wrong. It’s okay. We can fix this, Reo. I know we can. We always do.” Nagi said. Reo knew everything about him. Nagi knew nothing about anything; this was no different. Reo knew what was happening, and Nagi didn’t.
But for Reo, Nagi was trying to fix it.
He extended his hand practically begging Reo to take it. He stared at it, for a long, long time. But he didn’t take it. “Sorry, Nagi. But this is where I stop trying.”
Nagi’s lips parted, his eyes round. “Stop. Stop, stop, stop. Just stop. Stop acting like this. Why are you acting like this? My Reo would never act like this.”
“Well then I guess I’m not yours anymore.”
Reo’s words were bitter; they were difficult to grasp and stung once Nagi finally caught them. He paused, unknowing of what to say, what to do. He didn’t know anything without Reo. He bit his tongue, “you're a hassle, Reo.” He murmured. Reo blinked, stunned by his boyfriend's apathy. “Of course I am.”
Nagi hadn’t realised what he said until the words were out of his mouth. He wasn't thinking, and he needed to start.
Wait, I didn’t mean it. Reo I didn’t mean it. You know I didn’t. Don’t leave. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. Those simple words refused to leave the hole in his chest.
“Is it… over?” The only words he could muster out of his mouth. He didn’t want to hear Reo’s answer. “I guess so.” He turned, his hand lingering over the doorknob.
Nagi wanted to beg him to stay. He wanted to so badly, but he was paralyzed in place. “At least tell me you love me.” Reo said under his breath. When Nagi’s only answer was silence, he cursed him quietly and left.
“ Stay .”