Chapter Text
It started with a simple question.
“How do turians prepare for high stress missions?”
Garrus wasn’t quite sure how it turned into…this. He was, however, sure of two things. Number one: Commander Jane-First human spectre-Hero of the Citadel-reincarnated after being spaced-Saren defeating-Shepard had just asked him, Garrus-failed CSEC Officer-failed vigilante-all around bad turian-Vakarian, for a liaison. Number two: He had no idea how they were gonna do this.
Sex, he corrected himself. She asked to have sex with him. Not a liaison, sex. Garrus leaned back against the railings of the main battery, staring at the closed doors where Shepard had just exited, and replayed the conversation in his mind.
When she had mentioned releasing tension, he thought he’d misheard. Human subtext, without the help of subharmonics to round out meaning, sometimes eluded him. But Shepard, thank the Spirits for her directness, immediately confirmed the insinuation he picked up in her voice.
His first thought had been disbelief. Not at the fact that she was human and he was turian - that obvious and very non-forgettable fact was the second hitch in this plan. How in the universe did this incredible woman - a hero, a survivor, the epitome of everything he hoped to be and never could quite measure up to - how could she want him. It was only after she closed the doors that he realized…how the hell were they going to do this thing?
Garrus was no stranger to casual sex. It was common among recruits in the military - something about the stress of military training and in some cases long distance from home seemed to have an aphrodisiac effect. Combine that, for those turians assigned to a ship, with rigid regulations of the average turian crew and the tight confines of the average turian starship and you have created the ideal environment for stress relief of all types. While not as widely experienced as some of his fellow turians, Garrus had had his fair share of stress relieving partners. Never, however, outside of his species.
After leaving the military and joining C-Sec his main focus had then shifted to proving his mettle through skill to rise through the ranks. Non-stop work, combined with regularly disappointing his father through his not-quite-by-the-book approach to some (ok, almost all) of his cases, was not exactly a relaxing time for him. Dating never seemed to be a priority.
Then he decided to follow around a loud, impassioned human who saw the same corruption that he did. Instead of allowing herself to be denied like he had been about to, she went after it. He had followed her without a second thought, and as the only turian onboard a human spaceship, stress relief was off the table - unless he wanted a krogan for a bedfellow.
In Omega things had always seemed too dire. He was too busy chasing the next lead, hiding out from various vengeful gangsters, and mourning the loss of the best damned CO, and friend, he had ever had. Had he been propositioned, sure, but not by anyone that had struck his interest. In fact, no one had really caught his attention in some time. Then Shepard waltzed back into his life and now proceeded to waltz into his - well, Cerberus’ - main gun bay with an offer to upend his un-intentional multi-year stint of celibacy.
Lifting his arm, Garrus went to access the extra-net via his omni-tool, then paused. He was fairly certain EDI, and thus Cerberus, monitored all extra-net access of the crew shipside, and he wasn’t keen on the Illusive Man drawing any conclusions from his…research. Garrus lowered his arm and put his hand to his forehead. Shepard was a female, a human female but a female nonetheless. Garrus had…experience with females - and, if non-verbal and verbal affirmations were to be believed, said females had enjoyed these experiences with him.
It can’t be that different, right?
Garrus gave up researching for the moment and turned to return to his work calibrating the main guns, trying to put this out of his mind for now. They had a race of space monsters to defeat, after all. Maybe she was just working out some stress via flirtation - without Alenko around she had to be tense. Just in case she wasn’t bluffing…he was going to have to figure some things out. The last thing he wanted was to be the turian famous for disappointing Commander Jane Shepard.
~~~
Watching Shepard had always been a part of his SOP, just as it had been back when they were chasing after Saren. Garrus always found himself at her right hand side and a step behind, doing his damndest to keep mercs and husks off her back. Now as they moved through Korlus sniping Blue Son’s and acquiring, of all things, a new pet krogan, Garrus found himself watching her in a slightly different way.
He had always found the commander incredibly capable - brave but not reckless, headstrong but fair, unyielding but merciful - and prided himself on having her six, for if the galaxy lost Commander Shepard on his watch it would be yet another failure on his resume. Now he found himself watching her movements not just to learn how to best position himself to have her back, but just to watch them. He found his eyes tracing the pale, graceful line of her neck as she removed her helmet to speak with Okeer, he caught himself staring at the indent where her waist dipped in, then flared out to her hips as she ran ahead of him... He came back to himself when he got winged on their way back to the shuttle with the fishbowl krogan in tow.
“Garrus!” Shepard shouted, alarmed.
“My shields are up, I’m fine,” he quickly replied back, stepping into the shuttle as the door closed and they took off.
Shepard stared at him, concerned, and Garrus felt guilty. He would not get so distracted on a mission again, there was too much at stake. And he couldn’t bear the thought of Shepard thinking him incapable. “Good. Are you.. good? You seem distracted,” she asked.
Shit. “Yeah, I’m fine Shepard. You know me, I don’t like fighting in hospitals, and a crazy krogan geneticist's lab is just a creepy hospital.”
Shepard laughed, and Garrus relaxed reflexively, flaring his mandibles laterally to offer his version of a smile in return.
He hadn’t forgotten that she knew him as well as he did her, and if he wasn’t careful she would catch him staring. Would she be flattered? Offended? Garrus snorted to himself. She would most likely be annoyed, especially if his staring got one of them shot.
Jacob was looking at the both of them with an odd expression as he sat back in the shuttle. Neither Garrus nor Shepard noticed.
~~~
Ok, Garrus was going to need to get a handle on this staring thing. Like a bad habit, once he started he couldn’t seem to make himself stop. He felt his eyes linger on her as she moved through the ship on his way to get his dextro-rations. Rupert offered to give dextro food “a go” and Garrus opted to give that offer “a pass”. He watched her hand move to rest on her hip as she stopped and spoke with the crew.
That had always surprised him about Shepard. No matter what they were doing, how insane or galaxy-shaking their missions got, she always found time to talk to, it seemed, every crew member on her ship. She knew spouse names, home towns, asked after family members, remembered, for some reason, birthdays (which are apparently a big deal for humans). Turian military commanders kept tabs on their recruits of course, just as Shepard did, how else would they be able to deploy their people as effectively as possible? Turian generals stopped their curiosity at tactical use, applicable skills, and rank. They never asked after offspring, or what Kelly got up to when on shore leave. It made her different from other leaders - it made them love her.
Garrus remembered, back on the SR1, how honored he had felt when she would come down to the shuttle bay to speak to him and to all of the “aliens” that had joined that mission. He had looked up to her, wanted to impress her, valued her opinion and insight. Not much had changed.
Spirits, how was he supposed to do this and not mess up the relationship with the most important person in his life? Garrus grumbled into his rations and the Cerberus recruit next to him started. Garrus, used to this reaction to the occasional rumbling of his subharmonics, looked over with masked charm. “Rupert worked his magic today, just expressing my appreciation,” he said, waving the silver dextro-ration package in the human’s direction. They laughed and resumed their conversation.
No one was ever rude to him, not overtly. Much like the first Normandy, the only humans around he really got to talking to were Shepard and Joker. Maybe Zaeed if it was about guns. Speaking of Shepard…he watched as she clapped one young engineer on the shoulder before moving off towards Miranda’s quarters. He caught her eye as she left and she gave him a smile and a nod before moving on.
“That good?” said a voice next to him. Garrus nearly jumped. He turned to look at that same cerberus soldier again.
“What?” he asked, confused.
“You made that noise again - is that Turian for ‘Yummy’ or something?” they asked.
Garrus swallowed and nodded, staring back to where Shepard had been, but she had already disappeared.
“Something like that.”
~~~
“How’s it going, Garrus?” came a familiar voice and Garrus flipped around. Damn, when did he start to get so jumpy? And where is that button to close and lock the doors? Instead of answering, Garrus fumbled for the command on the console. Real smooth.
“Good, I-ah-”
Shepard, looking tired but none-the worse for wear after their last mission, smiled up at him. She was tall for a human, still a head or so shorter than him, though. She was dressed casually in what the human crew called “fatigues” - soft, form-fitted clothing that did little to protect their bodies from bullets or a stray claw. Seeing humans outside of armor on an active warship always surprised him. Turians barely took off their armor when in active duty if they could help it. Humans, on the other claw, were persistently, and incomprehensibly, blaise about their softer, much more damage prone anatomy. “Are you ok, Garrus?” she asked, stopping to stand in front of him.
“I’m fine. Um, Shepard I… a part of me still thinks we’re crazy for even thinking about…blowing off steam. I’m not sure- ah- Shepard, I am sure you can find something a little closer to home,” he finished, damning himself for how exacerbated he sounded. Spirits, why was he so nervous? Now that she had brought it up, it was all he could think about, and it was affecting his concentration. On the off chance she had just been flirty, or feeling lonely, he had to give her an out. It was the right thing to do, wasn’t it?
“I don’t want something ‘a little closer to home’. I want you, Garrus. I want someone I can trust,” she finished, moving forward to look up at him, her hand reaching out to softly touch his arm. Garrus couldn’t make out the feel of her through his armor, but the motion, and the smile on her face, calmed his racing heart. Then her smile turned down into a frown as if something had just come to her. “We can forget this if it’s making you uncomfortable. I care about you Garrus, I care about our friendship. If you don’t want to do this, I’ll be fine.”
“No, it’s not that,” Garrus said, in a rush. Spirits, he was really doing a great job with this. “You never make me uncomfortable, Shepard. Nervous, yes, but never uncomfortable,” he said. Surprising himself, he reached out his own hand now to trace a line across her cheek with his thumb. She seemed surprised, but pleased, at the contact. Garrus felt a tug behind his gut.
“So when do we book the room?” she asked huskily, leaning in to the touch, a familiar fire flaring into her eyes as she stared up at him. If Shepard had been turian she would have picked up the subharmonic growl he made in reply. That same hand that was tracing her jaw moved down to her neck, his thumb tracing her trachea, and his eyes followed the movement. He forced himself to drop his hand and cleared his throat. Taking the commander in the gun bay was hardly what she had in mind, and, to be frank, he still had no idea what to do with a human - and he very much wanted to impress, and please, this particular human.
“I’d wait,” he said, taking a step back to get himself out of harm's way. “If that’s alright with you. It gives us something to look forward to, and if it goes…poorly, well, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction.”
Shepard flashed that toothy human smile again and turned to leave. “Then I’ll leave you to your calibrations, Garrus,” she said softly.
“Right, because I’m in a great place to optimize our weapons systems right now,” he mumbled as the doors slid closed.
Damn it. He was going to need some help figuring out how to…do this. Normally, if he needed assistance with understanding human behavior he’d ask, well, Shepard. However he doubted it would do much for the mood he was trying to cultivate if he went to her directly for pointers on how to seduce her. And if not Shepard, who else?
Garrus sighed heavily when he realized what he’d have to do, as the only two human’s he really talked to were Shepard and… oh, oh no.
~~~
“You got a minute?” Garrus asked sometime later, already regretting every decision that led him to this room as the door sealed behind him.
“Who doesn’t have a minute for the angel of omega, ” Joker said, raising both hands from the controls and bending two fingers of each hand in the air, as he turned around wearing, as the human’s would say, a shit eating grin. Garrus particularly liked the expression specifically in reference to the fragile pilot before him.
Garrus leveled a heavy sigh. Maybe it wasn’t too late to go talk to Jacob? “It’s Archangel and - actually, no, that’s not why I’m here.” Well, there was nothing for it now but to push through it. “I actually have a favor to ask, a…private favor.”
Joker raised an eyebrow, and Garrus took satisfaction in the genuine surprise on his face. Alas, it couldn’t last. “Garrus Vakaraian, the turian bad-boy himself, has come to ask me for a favor? This I gotta hear.”
Garrus crossed his arms, attempting to look imposing. It hadn’t worked on Joker in the past but hey, there’s a first time for everything. “I’m serious Joker, I have something to ask you, and I am asking you to keep it between us. Is that something you can handle?”
Joker rolled his eyes and raised both palms up in surrender. “Okay, geez, guess that stick found it’s way back up there….” he trailed off.
“What?”
“Nothing! Go ahead, scout’s honor that I won’t tell a soul.”
Garrus sighed again, his subharmonics, to a turian, conveying a not at all well-concealed annoyance. Luckily to Joker’s human ear it just sounded like turian grumbling. “Look I - well, hmmm - I’m going to ask you for advice about something, and it has nothing…nothing to do with anyone you know, but I thought, since you are human you might have some insight so, well-” here we go. “How would one, well, how would you court a human?”
Garrus had expected a couple of different reactions from Joker. Sarcasm, likely, inappropriate joking, unavoidable, maybe even disgust. What Garrus was not prepared for was Joker to look scared. “Uh-what?” Joker asked, his voice going up slightly.
“Romance, you know, beyond drinking, dinner, and dancing I mean - that seems to work across all species. Are there any specific human customs I should keep in mind?”
“Specifics you need to keep in mind…to date a human?! And you are asking me?”
Garrus looked at him with mild surprise. “I didn’t take you for a xenophobe Joker, especially with the way I’ve seen you look at asari,” he said, feeling oddly hurt.
Joker at least had the grace to look abashed. “No! That’s not what I meant. I was just surprised, that's all. And please, we all look at asari like that. No Garrus, of course I don’t care if you want to get it on with a human, I just never thought that would be something on your radar. Not that I have thought much about it at all! Geez this is awkward…”
“No kidding.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure how much help I’ll be either. My job, not to mention my easily breakable bones, don’t exactly make casual dating a hobby for me. Are you sure you don’t have anyone else to ask? Shepard would-”
“No!” Garrus responded forcefully, and immediately could have kicked himself. Yes, be more obvious Vakarian. “No, I mean, I wouldn’t want to bother the Commander about something so...well, and anyway, I’m a male, and you’re a man, at least I’m fairly sure-”
“Ha-ha.”
“And so I’m asking you for a human male's perspective on dating a human female.”
Now it was Joker’s turn to sigh as he leaned back in his chair. He put a hand to his chin. “Like I said I don’t exactly have a deep well of knowledge. That Jacob guys seems like he gets around-”
“Joker.”
“But!” he raised a placating hand. “I will do my best. Can you tell me anything about this human to help me help you?”
Garrus hesitated, unsure what he could say that wouldn’t make this conversation even more awkward for everyone involved.
“She… likes shooting things,” he hedged.
Joker rolled his eyes, seeming to come back to his usual manner at last. “I’m not surprised. Are you sure it’s the woman you are attracted to and not her gun-”
“You’re right, maybe Jacob would be more-”
“No! I can do this - I can do this. Ok, she likes guns. In a creepy way like you or in a healthy way? Because if it’s a healthy way I don’t think her liking guns is gonna be very helpful in the romance department.”
“Well, that’s all you are getting. Can I just get some general ‘how to woo a human female’ advice here?”
“Ok, number one it’s creepy when you say it like that,” (Garrus agreed on this point). “And number two - not all human women like the same stuff, so not every technique will work on every girl, but yeah I guess I have some general advice.”
Garrus fought the urge to take notes, mainly because Joker would never let him live it down, as Joker roughly outlined candlelit dinners, purchasing plants as gifts, public movie theaters, private shuttle rides, opening doors, listening when they speak (as if Garrus could ever stop listening and committing to memory every word out of Shepard's mouth).
While helpful, a lot of this was already familiar to Garrus as it sounded similar to what a turian female would expect. He needed advice of a more…specific nature.
“-and that’s pretty much what I got for you. You realize you can look this all up on the extranet right? There’s, like, vids and stuff - although you’ll want to be careful what you search for-”
“Yes I know that. I would prefer that Cerberus didn’t have an in depth look into my interests, so here I am. And that’s it? Any further advice? What is that…kissing thing I’ve seen you people do.”
Joker choked, and took a moment to get his breath back. “Oh, ah, it’s not really something you can get from just an explanation. It’s exactly what it looks like - mouths, tongues, you know…seriously, you can watch vids on it, or I bet Mordin has, like, a tutorial on interspecies…whatever…somewhere in that freaky lab of his,” Joker smiled, looking apologetic. “‘I’d tell you more if I could. I think if I’m the one who explains the mechanics to you it might ruin it for you, or worse I might pop into your head when you-”
“Point taken!” Garrus exclaimed, raising a placating claw to ask him to stop. “Thanks Joker, I mean it. This went, no offense, a lot better then I had expected.”
Joker began to turn back around in his chair, waving a hand, “No problem! I’m just glad you didn’t ask me about humans getting down with hanar or something.”
Garrus moved forward, putting a hand on the back of the chair and turning it back around. Joker looked up in surprise as he was turned, “And I also mean it when I say that this stays between you and I, or the Glass Pilot will be spending a few extra days in the medical bay.”
Joker grimaced, however he didn’t look as afraid as Garrus would have preferred. “Yeah, alright, geez. Your little secret booty call is safe with me. And do I really have a nickname?” he asked, looking hopeful.
Garrus let the chair go and it resumed it’s spin. “Good. And yeah, it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as Archangel, but I’ve heard that one tossed around Omega here and there.”
“Badass,” Joker said happily, and then he was back to his controls. Garrus slipped out of the cockpit, heading back towards the main gun. Once Garrus hit the elevator doors, Joker turned to look to his left.
“EDI?” he asked.
“Yes, Mr. Moreau,” came the robotic, yet feminine, voice.
“Please tell me you got all that?” he asked.
“I hear and process everything on board the Normandy, Mr. Moreau.”
Joker looked back to make sure no one else was sneaking up on him, and turned back to the holograph. “Do you think he was talking about Shepard?” he asked in a whisper.
“The current human females aboard the ship are Dr. Karin Chakwas, Kasumi Goto, Jack, Miranda Lawson, and Commander Shepard. When calculating the odds of which of the women currently aboard the Normandy who ‘likes guns’ and has a possible romantic attachment to Garrus Vakarian, Commander Shepard would be the most likely candidate. However, we do not know that he is referring to a human woman currently aboard the Normandy.”
“Yeah, it’s Shepard. This is insane,” Joker replied, glancing back down the hall. “Hey EDI?”
“Yes, Mr. Moreau?”
“I know you work for our evil overlord and all, but is there any way you can not report this to the Illusive Man?”
EDI seemed to process for a moment. “The Illusive Man, and to an extent Miranda Lawson, have access to all data that is processed through the Normandy. However, to help streamline the information and avoid time wasted processing useless information, it is within my programming to allocate importance level to the data. I am not required to send in a report about each and every crew conversation unless it’s considered critical or a danger to our current goals.”
Joker rolled his eyes. “I don’t think Garrus and Shepard getting it on is gonna affect us nabbing the Collectors EDI, if anything it might make them more…antsy to get the job done? Which is a good thing, right?”
EDI was silent for another moment again. “I concur with your assessment, Mr. Moreau. I will not erase this conversation from the logs. However, I do not see a need to immediately alert Ms. Lawson or the Illusive Man at this time.”
Joker sighed in relief. “Yeah, yeah I agree. Thanks EDI. And yeah, don’t go erasing that. You never know when it may come in handy. Now, let’s get back to what actually matters. We have a ship to fly here.”
“Of course, Mr. Moreau.”