Chapter Text
Eugene : I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Varian.
Rapunzel: You just said it again.
Varian:
Eugene : I am not a role model.
Eugene : You wanna fight?! You got one!
Varian: Okay! *raises fists*
*Rapunzel runs in, scoops Varian up in their arms, and runs away carrying them*
Eugene :
Eugene : What?
Rapunzel: *yawns*
Eugene : Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.
Rapunzel: Then you must be exhuasted.
Cassandra: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.
Rapunzel: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!
Varian: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
Rapunzel: Oh...
Eugene , from across the room: I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that.
Nuru: Why are your tongues purple?
Hugo: We had slushies. I had a blue one.
Varian: I had a red one.
Nuru: oh.
Nuru:
Nuru: OH.
Yong:
Yong: You drank eachothers slushies?
Donella: Did you take out Varian as I requested?
Hugo: Varian has been taken out, yes.
Donella: You have my grat-
Hugo: It was a great restaurant.
Hugo: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.
Hugo: Varian proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.
Varian: That's ridiculous, Hugo doesn't have a crush on me.
Nuru: Yes they do.
Yong: Yes they do.
Hugo: Yes I do.
Nuru: I haven’t slept in 72 hours…
Hugo: I haven’t slept in 80. I’m the insomnia king!
Varian: Ha! I haven’t slept in 90 hours, I’m aiming for an even 100.
Yong: What the hell is wrong with you people.
Hugo: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Yong.
Nuru: You just said it again.
Yong:
Hugo: I am not a role model.
Rapunzel: Guys where did Eugene go?
Cassandra: He got arrested.
Rapunzel: How the hell-
Eugene: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people.
Nuru: Shh, here comes Yong!
Hugo: Quick, Varian, start talking about boring nerd stuff!
Varian: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word “nerd” derogatorily, it means you’re the one that’s out of the zeitgeist.
Hugo: Yes, that’s perfect. Just like that.
Hugo: *Turns on the kitchen light*
Varian: *Sitting at the table, eating bread*
Hugo: It’s four in the morning.
Varian: Turn the light back off.
Varian, talking about Hugo: WHAT THE FUCK I WAS ARGUING WITH HIM AND I SAID “OOH YOU WANNA KISS ME SO BAD” AND GUESS WHAT? HE DID. HE KISSED ME. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO I DO.
Varian: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
Hugo: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
Varian: I said within reason, Hugo. How about I murder that guy?
Hugo: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?
Varian: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?
Varian: I'm very scary.
Hugo: You're about as scary as a wet kitten.
Varian: Wet kittens are cute, at least I've got that going for me.
Hugo: And small.
Varian:
Varian: ...Yeah, yeah. I guess.
Varian: Wow, they really hate us.
Hugo: Yes, maybe they’re homophobic.
Varian: But we’re not gay, Hugo.
Hugo:
Varian:
Hugo: We’re not?
Varian: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...
Hugo: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.
Hugo: Stop doing that.
Varian: Stop doing what?
Hugo: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you.
Hugo: Do you want to know your gay name?
Varian: My... my gay name?
Hugo: Yeah, it's your first name-
Varian: Haha. Very funny Hugo-
Hugo: *gets down on one knee* And my last name.
Varian: Oh- oh my god.
Hugo: Did it hurt when you fell-
Varian: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-
Hugo: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.
Varian: ...
Hugo: You just laid there for 15 minutes.
Varian: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Hugo!
Hugo: You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.
Varian: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Hugo: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Varian: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Hugo: Is it working?
Hugo, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often?
Varian, confused: I mean, this is my house, so yeah.
Varian: Hugo kissed me!
Rapunzel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Varian: It was unbelievable!
Rapunzel: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Nuru: Okay, we wanna hear everything. You, get the wine and unplug the phone. Varian, does this end well or do we need tissues?
Varian: Oh, it ended very well.
Rapunzel: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Nuru: Okay, alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?
Varian: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Nuru: Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back?
Varian: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
Rapunzel and Nuru: Ohhh.
*meanwhile*
Hugo eating pizza in his house: And, uh, and then I kissed him.
Eugene: Tongue?
Hugo: Yeah.
Yong: Cool.
Hugo: Today at 7 am, Varian poured a Monster energy drink in their coffee, said "I'm going to die" and drank the whole thing.
Nuru: I watched Varian brew their coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think they ascended into the astral realm.
Yong: The survivability of the human race never fails to amaze me.
Varian: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Nuru: >:O language
Yong: Yeah watch your fucking language
Varian: Okay, who taught Yong the fuck word?!
Hugo: 'The fuck word'.
Nuru: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Hugo: Oh my god they censored it
Varian: Say fuck, Nuru.
Yong: Do it, Nuru. Say fuck.
*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Nuru: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Yong: ...I did. I broke it.
Nuru: No. No you didn't. Varian?
Varian: Don't look at me. Look at Eugene.
Eugene: What?! I didn't break it.
Varian: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Eugene: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Varian: Suspicious.
Eugene: No, it's not!
Rapunzel: If it matters, probably not, but Hugo was the last one to use it.
Hugo: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Rapunzel: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Hugo: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Rapunzel!
Yong: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Nuru.
Nuru: No! Who broke it!?
Hugo: Nuru... Varian's been awfully quiet.
Varian: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Nuru: being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Nuru: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Nuru:
Nuru: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Nuru: I just watched Hugo jump off of a spinning chair. Sadly, he weren't hurt that badly. But the whole time, Yong was screaming for help, which caused Varian to run in to help Hugo. Just note that all of this happened in the span of six minutes.
Nuru: Varian is forbidden from monologuing.
Rapunzel: I’m this close to falling in love with Eugene.
Cassandra: Your fingertips are touching.
Rapunzel: Exactly.
Cassandra: I’ve never asked someone out. How do you even do it?
Eugene: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: “Hey… how you doin’?”
Rapunzel, scoffing: Oh, please.
Eugene, to Rapunzel: Hey, how you doin’?
Rapunzel:
Rapunzel: *giggles and blushes*
Rapunzel: Well, remember when Eugene made a romantic dinner for me?
Cassandra: Rapunzel, they microwaved you a pizza.
Eugene, at an awards show: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank Cassandra for telling me Rapunzel was going to win so don’t bother to prepare a speech.
Eugene: Did Rapunzel just tell me she loved me for the first time?
Cassandra: Yeah, she did.
Eugene: And did I just do finger guns back?
Cassandra: Yeah, you did.
Rapunzel: Eugene and I got married!!
Varian: Don't share your personal problems with everyone.
Eugene: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material.
Varian: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.
Eugene: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.
Cassandra: Here are two pictures. One of them is your bedroom, and the other is a garbage dumpster. Can you tell which is which?
Eugene:
Eugene: This one is the dumpster.
Cassandra: They’re both your bedroom.