Chapter Text
“You made your decision.”
As he sat in one of the two brownish-grey armchairs in Bang Shi-Hyuk’s office, Namjoon standing arms-crossed behind him, Seokjin realised he hadn’t received a scolding in a long time. There were just things one didn’t miss about the past, he thought.
“We had a plan! Why on earth, hyung?”
With his remaining strength, he whispered: “It’s time.”
Upon learning the news, Chris Martin gifted him a song. Seokjin flew to the opposite side of the earth to join them for a stadium concert. He got to bid goodbye to his fans in person. As he sang “I love you”, he finally felt it coming, the pending heartbreak his mind had warned him of. After that, it seemed to him that the shadows of the world swallowed him; unresponsive, he let them.
BTS member Kim Seokjin will be enrolling for his military service on the 4th of December 2022.
Unsurprisingly, the news spread like wildfire. South Korea’s whole economy freaked out, every entertainment company’s actions dipped and other fandoms claimed it was time for other K-pop groups to shine. For the next two weeks, Seokjin secluded himself. The end of the year’s music shows made for a tight schedule for the boys but they still tried to reach him through Kakaotalk. He needed to remain stern in his decision; for that reason, he ignored each of their attempts and waited alone in the cage that had become his house, listening to Hoseok and Namjoon’s respective albums.
A cage. Fitting, right? Seokjin’s mind hid a monster. It lurked and waited as it nourished unnatural thoughts and desires in his brain. Lately, it had started to slip through the cracks and Seokjin no longer controlled the situation. It was hungry, it needed to be fed. It turned Seokjin into a greedy, ungrateful hyung. It tortured him the most when he was with his band members, the subjects of all his torments. They had given him the best years of his life. He would cherish that gift but he couldn’t keep going. It felt wrong, being with them, watching them work so hard, while his head was full of wrong ideas and selfish hopes. Deep down, as his mind reminded him, the truth was that Seokjin had never been meant to be in the spotlight. Life had given him this opportunity, to meet six angels, who had been oh too willing to reflect their own light on him.
His mother cried when the time came to send him off. She hated his buzzed haircut, Seokjin could tell. She held him despite her shaking hands, stroked the uniform and his nametag before she met his eyes, her own welling up. “Be safe.” He hugged her tightly. His father was proud. It was written in his posture, how tall he suddenly appeared, that man Seokjin powerlessly watched growing older. It worried him at night, that one day he might no longer have them by his side. He smiled at him and received a squeeze on the shoulder and a long stare, as many “I love you” that generation would never allow themself to utter out loud.
The atmosphere shifted the moment the cameras were out of sight. They had a nation’s sweetheart within their hands and they intended to teach him a thing or two about being a man.
He got beaten up by his section comrades for wearing make-up. He got spat at for singing ‘like a girl’. The bathroom and the cafeteria quickly became the place he visited with his stomach in a knot. One had to shove food in their mouth if they didn’t want it to be stolen and his clean clothes were never safe if he left to shower. His mattress was soiled so many times he slept on a tiny space of it and only when everyone else was already asleep. He trained his body to wake up before they did, too.
There were more scarier things. Seokjin blocked them, confined them to a part of his mind. Such a reality was bearable Seokjin realised, only if he turned it all off. His brain, his dreams, his hopes, his feelings. He became numb, robotic, a shell. Maybe he was surprised too. He had found it easy to let go. Not of the members exactly, for that part he had to leave his heart in their hands before walking away. But of how meaningless fame was. A fall was always so unpredictable and quick to happen yet it took years of effort and devotion to rise. Seokjin kept receiving promotions for his accomplishments. From section to section, one bullying method to another, that was his truth. He knew the media solely portrayed the glory of his diligence to the South Korean Army.
Still, a few tried to pass nice messages, complimenting his songs and his dedication to the country. Seokjin didn’t tell them his enlistment had nothing to do with dedication and everything to do with an imperative need to get away from the six angels he never deserved. Some joked as they offered to introduce him to their sisters or cousins after their service was done. Seokjin simply smiled the attempts away. He hadn’t left his old life to date. He had left it to be able to look at himself in the mirror again.
The fear they’d instilled in him, this giant threat of an invasion by a neighbouring country, a shadow that seemed to grow every time your gaze diverted from it, Seokjin could understand why his superstar status did not mean anything to military men. Still, there were things he could not forgive and the worst one, he realised, was yet to happen. How would they treat the six men Seokjin loved more than himself? He became haunted by the thought, awake, paralysed with fear, barely able to draw a breath in. He could see Jungkook’s big doe-eyes pleading for the jumping to stop; he could hear Hoseok and Jimin's heartbroken cries; he thought of Yoongi, his fragile, hypersensitive dongsaeng who already had had to fight against the system so hard it had physically scarred him. He noticed his own tears when he thought of Namjoon’s and Taehyung’s angry faces, their suppressed anger built up in their impressive frames. In every negotiation, the government had attempted to exploit them, whether they chose to serve or not. By staying he would have hurt them, yet by choosing to go, he had condemned them to the same fate. Was there even a word to describe how despicable he was? Maybe he’ll land in Incheon airport to find out Bighit Music had terminated his contract. Maybe now, they would have all opened their eyes to what kind of man he was.
His service ended on the eve of Bangtan’s eleventh anniversary, eighteen months later. On the plane, he suffocated in his uniform. As they all exited it, the huge crowd of reporters blinded him with their cameras. The airport must have been paid off by TV channels once again, there was no way his security team had approved of this. The capitalist ways have not changed, good to know. They started calling for his attention and in a crowd movement, they all rushed forward to him. Because he hadn’t been surrounded by a crowd in years, Seokjin closed his eyes. Because he refused to humiliate his family, he masked his anxiety by executing a deep bow.
Kim Seokjin bows to his country after answering the call of duty every man should… He could see the headlines in his head. They were wrong. Kim Seokjin bowed. He bowed and prayed. That it was over, that he was finally free, that no one could demand anything out of him and his body anymore. After two years of constant bullying, they could all burn in pain for all that he cared for.
Only you have to know how hard you’ve worked.
Seokjin remained quiet. The reporters screamed questions in his face, they shoved huge microphones in his face while obsessive fans felt entitled to his personal space.
“Seokjin-ssi, are you excited to meet your band members again?”
And still, through it all, Seokjin bowed.