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Atsushi wishes he hadn’t ever seen that picture of Akutagawa. Kunikida should have given that godforsaken photo to someone else. From the moment the young tiger man had laid his eyes on the ‘dangerous’ criminal in the photograph, he had been absolutely smitten.
There was just something about being handed a polaroid of a dangerous criminal and seeing the pretty grey eyes Atsushi had ever seen. When he’d first seen the image of Akutagawa, the young tiger boy wasn’t sure he could even chase down someone with a face as soft as the man he saw.
His crush on the Port Mafia member only grew worse when they finally met in person. Sure, they had battled and traded insults, and Atsushi had lost a limb or two, but he was head over heels for the tall man with the demonic black coat. He knew it was not good that he was slightly into such heated battles with the enemy, but it would be safe if no one found out.
Right?
As the two young men worked together more often, Atsushi’s feelings for Akutagwa grew until he found himself staring at his partner much too often to be considered healthy. He got lost in the other man’s eyes more than what would be regarded as ordinary for rivals. His eyes also wandered the curve of Akutagawa’s muscles under the coat. The young tiger was completely whipped for his enemy.
It was a fact that he was hesitant to admit, given Akutagawa was a member of the Port Mafia, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care all that much. Especially when, in a twist of fate, the two of them kissed for the first time after a mission. It was a desperate action out of pure adrenaline rather than romance, but it worked for them.
After that, Atsushi and Akutagawa confessed their mutual attraction towards one another, and their fighting became much more in synch and powerful. Both sides were beyond overjoyed that the two men had seemingly conquered their hatred and could work as colleagues.
However, the two were dead set on assuring that no one found out the true nature of their relationship, even those closest to the couple. But, when you become the second most powerful duo in Yokohama, the organizations you belong to tend to ask questions and poke into your personal lives a little more than ordinary jobs were.
It took all of two months for both the Port Mafia and the Armed Detective Agency to learn of the relationship between Atsushi and Akutagawa.
Dazai specifically was entertained by the idea of the two young men he’d mentored becoming romantically involved. He poked fun at both young men every time he saw them, delighting in the light pink shades he could make the younger men’s faces turn.
But despite the light teasing each man endured from their working mates, both organizations were ultimately supportive of their relationship. As long as their personal feelings for each other did not come between their work, the Port Mafia and Armed Detective Agency superiors only saw the benefits of a romantic bond between the two sides.
After all, Atsushi and Akutagawa’s was the second between a member of both sides.
However, unforeseen problems did arise with the relationship. It wasn’t the differences between them or the separate loyalties they held for their respective organizations, but something wholly different and unexpected. It had to be a result of the sudden closeness of the two men. But Atsushi could not stop thinking about Akutagawa during his work day.
It wasn’t like he was thinking of how attractive the other man was, either. That would be preferable to the curse he had been plagued with. Why did he have to worry about Akutagawa so much? Why couldn’t he just enjoy being in a relationship with the mafioso without worrying that he was dead and bleeding out in some alleyway every time he didn’t respond to a text or call within a few hours?
Atsushi wishes he had never seen that polaroid because he would be much more productive at work if he hadn't.
About six months into their relationship, the young tiger stops going home to the place he shared with Kyouka. By that point, he had practically moved in with Akutagawa, but it was officialized. The mafioso made much more money than him, which showed in his swanky apartment. Atsushi had never cared much about money or material things, but his boyfriend spoiled him beyond belief, and he was grateful for it.
After moving in with his lover, the worry about whether Akutagawa would be alright improved. There were signs of his presence all around the young tiger, even when the demon-coated young man was nowhere to be seen. Tea bags were littered on countertops if Akutagawa was in a rush to go on one of his mafia-assigned cases, wrappers of cough candies piled in the bathroom trashcan, and often, there would be a meal waiting for Atsushi in the fridge.
Akutagawa was a genius chef, a fact that Atsushi was thrilled to learn about. He had relatively simple tastes regarding food, but being with the other man had opened up his tastes a little more. Besides, Akutagawa always smiled softly when Atsushi enjoyed his food, so the tiger made it his mission to savour every bite the man prepared for him.
Sometimes, though, there would be no sign of Akutagawa’s whereabouts when Atsushi woke up, and those days would be the worst. Everyone in the detective agency knew Akutagawa’s mission schedule at this point. They would know when something was troubling the Port Mafia because Atsushi would be wildly distant and silent, checking his phone and the clock many times as he waited for any sign of life from his beloved.
The entire Agency would let out a sigh of relief when Atsushis’ expression brightened, or the bloodied mafioso would show up in their office. After the first few times of an injured and exhausted Akutagawa entering the Armed Detective Agency to see Atsushi, everyone got used to it. Some members of the organization even began to smile when the couple reunited with long embraces and kisses. At the same time, Atsushi furiously checked his boyfriend’s body over to ensure that none of the blood he was seeing belonged to the man he loved.
Each and every time, the tiger boy would sigh in relief as he realized that Akutagawa was alright, and the blood belonged to people he had injured (even after the promised six months of no killing, he continued not to murder anyone for Atsushi’s sake).
Atsushi and Akutagawa really were the model of a healthy and loving couple.
Until the fateful day that Akutagawa would stumble into the Armed Detective Agency office with his hand covering the side of his body, dark crimson blood seeping between the gaps in his fingers and his face ashen. In the moment that Atsushi sees the state of his lover, everything happens all at once. His voice shrieks for Yosano to help him as his legs carry him to the other side of the office just in time to hold the man he loves in his arms as his knees buckle underneath him.
“Ryuu?” he whispers, gently cupping Akutagawa’s bloodied cheek, “Are you alright?”
“Jinko,” the man sighs, slightly coughing as he smiles at the man he loves, “I made it back to you, just like I promised I always would.”
Akutagawa sounds too feeble as if he was only clinging to life to find Atsushi one last time.
“I’m glad that I made it to you in time…” the mafioso whispers again, “I wanted to see you before…”
“No,” Atsushi states, tears overflowing from his eyes and cascading down his cheeks in tragic waterfalls, “There will be none of that, Ryuunosuke! You are not going anywhere!”
The young tiger man softly slaps his lover’s cheek as Akutagawa’s eyelids fall shut, trying to keep him conscious while he waits for the Agency’s doctor to make it to the room. She would save him. She had to. It was the only way. The man Atsushi loved would not die like this, not so close to their first anniversary.
“I respect your dedication to the positive, Jinko,” Akutagawa whispers, his voice much weaker than before, “But this is my inevitability. My body is too weak to have sustained this much injury…Please don’t cry so much, it’ll be alright.”
“How can I not cry?” Atsushi wails, “I love you so much, and you’re trying to tell me you’re dying! I can’t just accept that. I can’t let you die when I’ve only just gotten used to what it’s like to have you in my life!”
The white-haired man collapses in sobs atop his lover as Akutagawa’s eyes fall shut again, and his breathing becomes much lighter, almost to the point that it doesn’t exist. He clings tightly to his boyfriend’s clothing, refusing to let go of him again, even if this is the end for him.
Yosano bursts into the room in the next moment, already knowing what she would find. She had heard the pain in Atsushi’s screams and knew that could have only meant one thing. That something or someone had seriously injured Akutagawa.
“Let me take him,” she states simply when she sees the panicked state of the young tiger.
When Atsushi seems hesitant to let go of his boyfriend, she gently places a hand on the tiger boy’s shoulder and smiles at him.
“You know I’ll take care of him, don’t you?” the doctor asks softly, “I’ll stitch him up for you, and he will be as good as new.”
All the white-haired man can do is nod silently and watch in horror as Yosano takes his boyfriend's much too limp body away from him. He nibbles at his lip as he sobs, pretty sure he has drawn blood from the intense pressure of his teeth on his lip.
Atsushi collapses face-first on the cool linoleum tiles in the office, shaking as he sobs. Akutagawa’s blood had trailed across the floor, and every drop reminded the young tiger that the man he loved was in imminent danger. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Yosano to bring the man back from the verge of death. It was more like he was petrified of how much of a hold Akutagawa held on his heart.
As he sobs, Atsushi feels someone tightly grip him by the back of the neck like a newborn kitten and carry him to one of the office’s plush couches. When Atsushi looks to his side to see who had fished him up from the floor, he is shocked to see that it was Dazai.
The older detective has a mix of emotions on his face as he looks at the broken tiger boy. Atsushi can detect a great deal of concern and sympathy from his mentor’s face and a great deal of understanding.
“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Dazai asks out of the blue, finally breaking the awkward silence, “Not knowing if he will be alright after a big battle?”
Atsushi had never known if his mentor had been in love, but from the sag in his shoulders and the saddened expression, there was a great chance the man was speaking from personal experience.
“Y-yeah…” the young tiger admits, embarrassedly staring at his lap, “Y-Yosano will cure him, but…”
“But it doesn’t stop you from being scared anyway?” Dazai finishes, gently throwing his arm around Atsushi and bringing him in for a tight hug, “You always were a sensitive one. It would make sense that something like this would also affect you more.”
The young white-haired man looks at his mentor with a confused expression. He doesn’t want to talk about what might be happening to Akutagawa at the moment, so he decides to distract himself by trying to find out some information about this mysterious person of Dazai’s.
“How do you know all this…” he whispers, “You don’t seem like….”
Dazai only chuckles under his breath as he tightens his grip around the young man’s shoulders, “I don’t seem like the type that would be in love?” he asks with a slight chuckle, “Is that what you’re saying?”
It seemed like the older detective would allow Atsushi to distract himself.
The sniffling Atsushi shakes his head slightly as he moves into Dazai’s arm, garnering as much comfort as he is allowed, “I didn’t say that you don’t sound like you would be in love,” he explains, “I only said that you didn’t seem like the type that would care that deeply for a person…”
Dazai nods, “I thought I was wholly lacking in feelings for a while there, too, if you can believe it.”
The detective gets a faraway look in his eyes as he is clearly reminiscing on his past with whoever had invaded his mind and won his heart.
“I didn’t want to fall in love with him,” Dazai sighs, “But once he came into my life, I could not take my eyes off him.”
The older man slightly nudges Atsushi’s shoulder with a devious grin, “It’s a lot like you and Akutagawa, isn’t it?”
Atsushi freezes for a moment at the mention of his lover. Yosano hadn’t come out of her office yet, which terrified him. But when he looks at the clock, only about five minutes have passed since Akutagawa was taken from him. He likely had to suffer through more agonizing minutes without an update as to the status of his lover.
“Yeah…” he eventually whispers, “I can’t get him out of my mind….”
Dazai smiles, “That’s love for you,” he muses, “It does some pretty crazy stuff to your heart and head if you let it.”
Atsushi looks at his mentor nervously. It was more than a little scary for Dazai to know nearly everything about his situation when the young man didn’t have a single clue as to who Dazai was talking about.
“Will you tell me?” he asks nervously, “Will you tell me about your person?”
Dazai lets out a long sigh, seemingly weighing his options before speaking again.
“I'd consider myself quite lucky, actually. I'd say he is quite handsome, even if he’s not very tall. He’s a bit muscular with a baby face. There's something really adorable about his baby face when he smiles. So innocent~ But he isn't a weak man. He's actually quite strong, you know. Quite literally at times,” Dazai smirks to himself, “He's a very interesting man, really, and he's never boring. He's the best in my eyes, and I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life with him.”
Atsushi had never heard Dazai speak so positively about anyone. It was no wonder he kept the relationship to himself if he viewed this man as spectacularly as he’d just described him. But, the young tiger can’t help but notice that the older man had left out a name for the man he was so infatuated with. The young tiger might not be bright in these circumstances at most times, but he certainly knew who Dazai was speaking of right now. There was only one person it could be.
“You’re….” he starts, unsure if the older detective would like it if he exposed that he knew Dazai’s mystery man’s identity, “You’re talking about Chuuya, right?”
Luckily, Dazai doesn’t seem that upset that Atsushi. Instead, he looks rather amused, “Yeah, you got it right! The detective chuckles, “You know, it's surprising how many people never figure out who I'm talking about. I mean, it's obvious, isn't it? There's no way I'd be this gushing and head-over-heels for anyone else. I was thinking of surprising Chuuya with a wedding ring sometime soon. I just worry he won't appreciate such a gesture.”
Atsushi’s eyes widen, his concern for his own situation dwindling as he learns more about Dazai’s relationship with Chuuya. Dazai talked about the mafia executive like he was a god or something. The young tiger man had met Chuuya a few times, and he always seemed to be at odds with Dazai, so he couldn’t see how they ever got along. But then again, that was the same story with himself and Akutagawa.
But something about what Dazai had said really surprised him. Something he had been wondering if he should do with Akutagawa.
“A wedding ring??” he seems shocked, “It seems like you’ve been dating for a long time, then?”
“Haha, yeah, you could say that,” Dazai laughs to himself, “Chuuya is quite the dense guy sometimes, though. It's taken me years to get through to him all for it to culminate in my plan for a cute, romantic proposal! I can think of the perfect place to propose to him, and he'll be caught off guard. He's the type of guy who is extremely easy to fluster! He'll be so shocked, and his cute, red face and his flustered, adorable self and just- he'll look at me with his big, blue eyes and~”
The detective stops there, looking all flustered at what he had admitted about his feelings for Chuuya and how deep they ran. Atsushi also seems astonished that the other detective is capable of such complex emotions. He wants to pry for more information and demand to know how Dazai handled dating someone in such a dangerous organization as the Port Mafia. But before he can ask anything else, Yosano emerges from her office.
In an instant, Atsushi is out of Dazai’s arms and on his feet, with his eyes wide in panic. He strides up to the doctor as he awaits her news on the condition of his lover.
“How is he?” he tries and fails to hide the panic in his voice.
Yosano places a hand on his shoulder, “I was able to heal all of his injuries that he sustained during his mission,” she begins.
Atsuhsi’s heart already feels substantially lighter in the face of the news of his lover’s survival. But not all of the stress leaves him. From how Yosano spoke, it seemed like there was more to say about Akutagawa’s health.
“There’s a catch, isn’t there?” he asks, hating how the doctor’s face betrayed all his worst fears, “What is it?”
Yosano gently squeezes Atsushi’s shoulder, looking at the young man sympathetically as she delivers the worst news from her treatment of Akutagawa.
“There was something in his lungs, something that I could not cure. I think it is some sort of disease,” she continues, despising how Atsushi’s face fills with pain, “Some of the injuries from his fight affected his lungs, and I could not heal the damage they had done.”
“Will he be alright?” Atushsi asks with his face nearly the same colour as his dress shirt.
“For a little while,” the doctor replies, not wanting to sugarcoat this information, “But from what I could tell, the disease affecting him is degenerative in nature. He does not have all that long left. It could be months or years, but there is next to no way Akutagawa is seeing old age.”
Atsushi’s world shatters at that moment. Akutagawa had told him that he had some form of lung problem, but he had never divulged the details. Knowing that the disease was so serious to affect his lifespan broke the young tiger. He wanted to curse all the gods for the luck they had given the man he loved. Akutagawa was the last man deserving of all the pain and suffering he had been made to bear.
To Yosano, the man merely nods, “May I see him now?”
She tightens her arm around him and leads Atsushi to her office, where his beloved Akutagawa awaits him.
It only took a few months after that horrendous visit to Yosano’s office for the mafioso’s health to turn for the worst again. At that point, Akutagawa was unable to go on missions for the Port Mafia or lead his Black Lizard squadron, so he brought home stacks of paperwork instead. Eventually, even the paperwork stopped coming home with the man.
Atsushi tried his best to keep a cheerful face as the number of bloodied tissues in the apartment grew, and Akutagawa’s form became more bony rather than muscular. He was beside the man he loved at every doctor’s appointment and every treatment plan, even if it broke him.
Countless sleepless nights were spent clinging to each other and sobbing at how unfair life was. The two men deserved the opportunity to grow old together, but fate had robbed them of that chance. Akutagawa and Atsushi remained as positive as possible, but sometimes it was nice to cry together.
As Akutagawa’s health began to deteriorate more, to the point that he was nearly entirely bedridden, Atsushi started to work from home. No one in the detective agency argued. They only offered the young man their support when he would stop by every few days with his completed work.
Atsushi didn’t break down often, but when he did, it was over the tiniest things. One time, it was when he was bringing Akutagawa a tray of breakfast and his mountain of daily medication. He had a passing thought of how his boyfriend made better breakfasts than him and could not contain the tears. T
The mafioso would never make his tiger a homecooked meal again.
Another time he broke down was when he ran into Chuuya outside of his and Akutagawa’s apartment. The executive was one of many Port Mafia members who came to visit Akutagawa in his final months, but he also visited most, aside from Gin. Atsushi wasn’t sure what their bond was, but he found it very sweet.
The tiger and the executive had only ever exchanged a few words, most of them after Dazai went through with his plan to propose to the man, but they were united by their mutual care and love for Akutagawa.
That’s why it was so surprising when Chuuya wordlessly latched onto Atsushi and hugged him close to his chest. Neither man said anything, but they still communicated many of the same emotions. They stood together, embracing tightly and sobbing in each other’s arms for what felt like an eternity before they broke apart.
“Thank you for always being beside him,” Chuuya says with wide, wet eyes, “I appreciate it.”
“I would never abandon him,” Atsushi responds earnestly, “I know he’d do the same for me.”
The executive nods and leaves not a few moments later.
It was the first and last time the two embraced like that, but their bond was forever changed.
Atsushi knew Akutagawa would die within a few days.
The man was almost always sleeping, and his breathing was too shallow to sustain his feeble body for much longer. He made it his duty to remain by his man’s side until the very end.
“I love you so much, Ryu,” he whispers into the black head of hair he hopes can hear him.
Atsushi tangles his fingers over Akutagawa’s paler hand. His fingertips find the cold golden metal on the mafioso’s ring finger. He smiles as he rubs his ringed finger over it. They’d gotten the rings shortly after Chuuya and Dazai’s engagement since they knew they were unlikely to have enough time together to get married when they were ready.
“I wish you would wake up for me one last time, and show me those beautiful grey eyes, but I know if you were conscious, you would only be in pain, so I’m glad you’re asleep,” the young man sighs.
He moves to lay his head on Akutagawa’s chest, listening to the slow sound of his beloved’s heartbeat. ̶H̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶i̶s̶t̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶p̶e̶a̶c̶e̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶s̶o̶u̶n̶d̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶g̶e̶r̶.̶
“So just listen to me, alright?” Atsushi asks the silent air between himself and his unconscious lover, “I loved you from the moment I saw a picture of you. I never imagined that you would fall in love with me or that we would be so compatible. But I am ever so glad that we got to spend these past few months together, even if we spent a decent amount of our time together at each other’s throats. I want you to finally be somewhere that you won’t be in pain, even if that place is somewhere I cannot follow you… I will never ever forget you.”
There are many reasons why Atsushi wishes he had never seen that polaroid of Akutagawa. But there are also many reasons why he was grateful. Seeing that image had introduced the young tiger to the love of his life, someone who was an excellent balance for him and loved and cherished him in ways he could only dream of. If he had not seen that photo of the mafioso, Atsushi would never have learned what it was like to worry for someone at all hours of the day, no matter how powerful he was.
As grateful as he was for having met Akutagawa, he is consumed by bitterness. He cannot help but think that his life would’ve been better overall if he had never met Akutagawa, never experienced the agonizing feeling of watching the man he loved deteriorate and die or felt what it was like to have a hole carved out of his heart from the sheer pain of grief.
Atsushi falls asleep listening to Akutagawa’s beating heart. When he awakens, that familiar rhythm has ceased.