Chapter Text
Nineteen
_
When I was nineteen I wanted to die
The first thing Sirius had said to Regulus before he met James was: “Don’t you dare.”
Regulus was nineteen and in his “slut era” as Barty had lovingly dubbed it.
“James is too old for you, and he prefers people older than him anyway. So don’t even bother,” Sirius told Regulus sternly.
“I’m not fucking stupid,” Regulus had scoffed in reply. “I know how to keep it in my pants.”
And then…
Well, then Regulus actually met James Potter.
He instantly understood why Sirius’ first instinct had been to forbid Regulus from going after James. Because James Potter was perfect. He was fucking heart-stopping. He had smooth, warm skin, bright eyes, and strong arms. He smiled and honest to god, the world froze. Regulus had never felt anything like that before.
But James preferred them older.
The day Regulus met him, he had a girlfriend. She was over thirty, with chipper laugh and a lot of heels and business casual skirts. She worked in law, the same as James, but in a higher position. Regulus didn’t know what that entailed or what her job title was. He was nineteen and a uni dropout at the time. James and Sirius were both real adults, they had their own places, their own lives, and relationships. Regulus was nineteen, he worked at a restaurant. He barely made it through each day without killing himself. He didn’t sleep, didn’t eat if he could avoid it. He barely existed, drifting through each day as a ghost.
He knew Sirius didn’t know what to do with him. He could throw meds and doctors Regulus’ way, but he was still the same fucked up kid who’d tried to off himself. His situation was better, he had Sirius now instead of his parents hovering at his shoulder. That was nice, but he still felt like he was dying some days.
The first impression (on Regulus’ part) was not a good one.
He’d been at work for eight hours, his phone was dead, and he’d had to listen to the lady next to him on the tube argue on the phone the entire ride. Sirius lived on the sixth floor of his building and the lift was broken, meaning that Regulus had to walk all the way up.
By the time he stumbled through the door, he was sweaty, tired, and ready to sleep. Of course, he spun shutting the door behind him only to be faced with Sirius, Remus, and another couple. They were all sitting on the sofa, holding glasses of wine and conversing in a way Regulus had never really figured out how to do.
Maybe it had nothing to do with being an adult. Maybe it was just Regulus. Regulus who never learned to talk without biting first.
“Oh,” Regulus mumbled, dropping his bag on the floor with a thump.
“Reggie,” Sirius said standing from the sofa. “I tried to call you like six times, what the fuck?”
“I- my phone was dead,” Regulus mumbled.
“Did you forget we were having dinner with James tonight?”
James?
Regulus looked at the man on the sofa. He had dark messy hair and glasses. He was wearing a button-up that hugged him in all the right places. The top few buttons were undone in a casual manner and everything about him screamed effortlessly hot and charming.
Oh, this was James. Yeah, Regulus understood Sirius’ warning now.
“No,” Regulus denied uselessly.
Sirius shot him a look, eyes narrowed. “Yes, you did. Regulus—”
“I know I’m sorry!”
“—I reminded you a million times! I told you last night!”
“I know, I know, it slipped my mind. I thought it was tomorrow.”
“Why? Did you sleep? I bet you didn’t sleep—”
“Sirius!”
“Regulus!”
“Guys,” Remus cut in, standing and putting a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “You can argue later. Regulus, why don’t you clean up and we can have some dinner, okay? No harm done.”
Sirius was glaring like there was harm done, but after a second he let Regulus go
Regulus shut himself in his bedroom and tried not to hyperventilate.
He had one chance. One chance to meet the most important person in Sirius’ life (aside from Remus) and he’d fucked it up.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Regulus took a shaky breath, leaning back against the door. He tried to steady himself.
He managed to change out of his work clothes and into something decent, but even so, it felt inadequate. He felt messy. Like it was bleeding through from his insides to stain his skin. He was sure anyone could look at it and see.
All Regulus wanted was for Sirius’ friends to like him. It was a constant stream of “James said…” always, James, James, James.
It made Regulus angry. Because all this time, all he’d had was Sirius, but Sirius had a lot more than just Regulus. He’d made a life for himself, and Regulus was glad for it. He still hated his brother a little bit.
“I missed you growing up,” Sirius had whispered into Regulus’ hair, after the first time Regulus allowed himself to break down. “I’ll never forgive myself for that, but you’re here now. You’re here, and I’m here, and the rest we can figure out.”
They were still figuring it out.
Regulus was doing his best to scrape together money, but he was far from moving out of Sirius’ spare room. Sirius didn’t want Regulus to think about leaving at all, but Regulus felt guilty every second his brother took care of him.
That was the thing, the guilt. It burrowed under his skin. It itched, tight, and uncomfortable.
So, Regulus hated Sirius a little, he hated James and most of all, he hated himself. He hated his job, public transport and people in general. Regulus just hated things. He was made to be a bitter, spiteful hater. He couldn’t help it.
Just this once, he wanted to undo that. Be someone different, better. Instead, Regulus resisted the urge to put his fist through his mirror, took a deep breath, and went back out to the living room.
The conversation halted when Regulus returned, and Sirius jumped up, dragging him to sit down.
“James, Becca, this is my little brother Regulus. Sorry, he apparently forgot we were having dinner,” Sirius shot Regulus a sharp glare and he balked.
“I had a long day!” Regulus protested. “Work was crazy, it slipped my mind.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius said suspiciously.
“Hi, Regulus.”
Oh. James was speaking to him. Regulus turned, meeting his eyes. James shot Regulus a smile, charming and bright. “Uh- hi,” Regulus said quickly.
“Nice to finally meet you,” James grinned. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Likewise,” Regulus muttered.
“Good things I’m sure,” James said, giving Sirius a playful look.
“Only,” Sirius agreed. “You think I’m letting Reggie know what we got up to in our uni days? Absolutely not, he’s a baby.”
James paused, eyeing Regulus. “No, he’s not.” He turned to Regulus. “How old are you?”
“Nineteen,” Regulus said quietly.
“Ah, I see. Young, sure,” James admitted turning to Sirius. “But not a baby. You can tell him bad things about me.”
“I have no bad things!” Sirius insisted.
“I do,” Remus said dryly.
“Aw!” James raised a hand dramatically to his chest. “How kind of you, Rem.”
The girlfriend (Rebecca? Becca? Becky?) laughed, putting a hand on James’ arm. “If our uni days were anything alike, I don’t think we need to flashback to them.”
Sirius sighed wistfully. “Ours were wonderful.”
“They were not,” Remus deadpanned.
“There was good and bad,” James said, clearly to placate them both.
“What about you, Regulus?” Becky (he was pretty sure it was Becky) asked. “Are you in school?”
Sirius stiffened next to him. Regulus ignored it. “I was, I’m on a leave of absence right now… but I’ll be going back.”
“Oh, what are you studying?”
“Medicine.”
“Oh, lovely! That’s a very hard subject.” Something about the way she said it in her business casual and black heels felt demeaning.
“Yeah, I know,” Regulus gritted out.
“Well,” James cut in. “We were just waiting for Regulus, why don’t we eat?” He stood holding out an arm for his girlfriend. “You’ve been hungry since we got here, Becca, come on.”
Oh, Becca. Regulus could have sworn it was Becky.
As they headed towards the dining room, James shot Regulus a little smile, as if they were conspiring. Like he was a hero for cutting off his nosy girlfriend when every other person in the room knew Regulus had not returned to Sirius’ life in good circumstances.
Regulus scowled. His heart may have skipped a beat or two, but that was only because it was a traitorous piece of shit.
__
“What are you frowning so hard at?”
“Jesus,” Regulus cursed, jumping in his seat. “Mind your business, Potter. Don’t you have your own house, why are you here?”
“Picking up Sirius, we’re going out for drinks,” James said sliding into the seat at the table across from Regulus. “Don’t worry, we won’t be out late. I’ll have him home in time to get plenty of sleep before your birthday celebration tomorrow.”
“Don’t bother,” Regulus scoffed. “In fact, get him black-out drunk so he sleeps all day and forgets about me.”
“He could never,” James said, leaning his elbow on the table. “And what’s wrong with celebrating? You only turn twenty once, it’s sort of a big deal.”
“I wasn’t supposed to turn twenty at all.”
Regulus didn’t mean to say that. He didn’t usually have any issues with trauma dumping. His trauma stayed securely locked in his chest, thank you very much. But something about the specific uni webpage that was open on his laptop and the overwhelming fear of turning twenty was pulling the words from his lips.
Regulus couldn’t meet James’ eyes.
He was nice to Regulus. Just nice. He smiled, he was friendly (he was hot), he was Sirius’ best friend. Of course, he was nice.
Regulus didn’t know what he expected James to say.
“You don’t know that.”
Okay, well it wasn’t that, exactly.
Regulus jerked his head up at that. “Yes, I do.”
James just raised his eyebrows. “You don’t,” he said firmly. “You’re not God, you don’t have the secrets of the universe. Maybe you decided you didn’t think you were supposed to, but that’s just an opinion. You’re here, now today. So clearly you were supposed to.”
“There’s still time,” Regulus muttered.
James didn’t become instantly alarmed as Regulus expected. Instead, he just frowned, disapprovingly. “Is that a joke?” he questioned, tone bordering sharp.
Regulus paused. He wasn’t entirely sure. “I- maybe… yes.”
“Okay, I don’t find it funny. Sirius most certainly won’t find it funny. Just… you’re here. Sirius is glad you are, and so am I.”
“You don’t even know me,” Regulus protested.
“Sure I do. It’s been what… eight months since we met? I see you multiple times a week, I know you.”
“You see me for two seconds because you and Sirius are codependent and you invade my space. I then, run away and leave you two idiots to your devices. That doesn’t mean we know each other.”
“Maybe not, but I know how you take your tea. I know exactly the kind of face you make every time Sirius calls you his ‘baby brother’. I know you hate movies, and TV shows… which is blasphemous by the way. How can you not like a single TV show or movie?”
“Because they’re boring.”
“Then you’re simply watching the wrong things.”
“No, I don’t care if it’s the best piece of media to ever exist. The act of sitting down for a few hours to watch something is boring. It’s a waste of time.”
James shook his head. “Then I have some concerns about your attention span,” he remarked.
“I have concerns about your attention span. Except it has nothing to do with movies, it’s women, which is even worse.”
James let out an offended noise. “Why the fuck are we talking about my dating life now? How has this taken such a turn?”
“Not my fault you broke up with Becky—”
“Becca.”
“—Becky and became a slut.”
“I’ve always been a slut, you just caught me in one of my taken eras. Never fear, I have another date on Sunday. Maybe she’ll be the one.”
“Hm,” Regulus raised his eyebrows. “Surely. What’s her name?”
“Daphne.”
“Sounds pretentious.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, was Regulus Arcturus Black saying something?”
“Shut the fuck up, I’m just saying.”
“You’re being a hater,” James sighed, leaning back in his chair. “Is there anything you don’t hate?”
“No.”
“Wonderful.”
Regulus just raised his eyebrows, wordlessly. James shook his head, eyes narrowing. They had a silent stare-off. James broke first.
James stood suddenly. “Anyway, try being twenty for a little while. Would be a shame to miss out on it.”
“You’re not putting me on suicide watch?”
“Do I need to?”
“No…”
“Okay, then I trust you. Just... be twenty. Okay, Regulus?”
“Fine,” Regulus grumbled unhappily. “I’ll consider it.”
“Good,” James took a step before pausing and turning back. “By the way… the school stuff. You don’t need to do it,” he said gesturing to Regulus’ laptop screen.
Regulus bristled, slamming his laptop shut quickly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yeah, you do,” James said gently. “You don’t want to study medicine. So, don’t. No one is expecting you to be anything you don’t want to be.”
“You don’t know what people are expecting,” Regulus scoffed. “Do I need to say again that you don’t know me?”
“Love, you’re not quite as mysterious and elusive as you believe yourself to be,” James said simply. “Just think about it.”
Regulus didn’t know what to say. He crossed his arms, feeling his heart beating in his throat.
James waited, but when Regulus didn’t speak, he smiled gently. “Happy birthday, Reg.”
He turned, no doubt to search for Sirius. James left Regulus in the dining room, alone, heavy.
Twenty
_
We won't be together, but maybe the next life
Regulus made it to twenty.
The clock ticked past midnight on the 24th and he watched it. He breathed. The minute passed. Nothing changed. He was still just Regulus. Regulus, sitting at the edge of his bed, watching the clock. It felt the same at 11:59 as it did as it did 12:00.
Regulus went to bed. He woke up, he kept waking up. It was a scary thing to do.
He kept doing it. Not out of any resolve or real will to live. It was more of a habit than anything else. Still, James said it didn’t matter much why Regulus was there, as long as he was.
See, James… that was an interesting thing.
So maybe James did know Regulus just a little bit. They talked sometimes. James had a strange way of making Regulus feel properly seen. He never balked when Regulus got particularly dark. He didn’t scold him or tell him to fuck off. In fact, Regulus wondered if it were even possible to disarm James Potter.
Regulus wanted to try. He didn’t, because they were friends, and the only things he could think of were not friendly things. They were things that occasionally slipped through into Regulus’s dreams. Look… that wasn’t a crime. You can’t fault a man for having fantasies. But it didn’t matter.
Because Daphne as it turned out was the love of James’ life. At least, that’s what he said. He tended to pace around the living room and spout long rants about her beauty or intelligence or personality for Sirius and Remus. Of course, Regulus was usually around, so he heard them too. James was absolutely smitten with Daphne. She was alright. Regulus had met her. She was exactly James’ type, tall, very put together, and mature. Daphne was less severe than Becky had been. She was still a lawyer like James, still older. She didn’t treat Regulus like a child, but he got the feeling she saw him as one.
Regulus could never say, I’m not a kid, because that would only make him seem like one. However, it drove him nuts. He was twenty fucking years old. Only a few more years until his brain was developed, surely, they could stop treating him like a child.
The year mark of Regulus moving in with Sirius passed. They didn’t commemorate it, but Sirius grabbed him by the shoulder.
“I’m glad you’re here, Reggie.” That was that.
James only seemed to get hotter, his relationship with Daphne became more serious. He took her to his events and to meet their friends and told Sirius all about it, gleefully.
“She just gets me Pads. We have similar work schedules and interests. We’re in the exact same place in our careers. It’s just perfect, we clicked so fast. Of course, everyone loves her.”
“Our Prongs, all grown up. What’s next, marriage?”
“Oh, Sirius. Don’t jump the gun but… fucking hell, maybe. I’m only getting older.”
Daphne was the one. Good for her, good for James. Regulus just wished his brain would get that memo because he had a recurring dream.
Sometimes they shifted a little, but they always ended with James fucking him to some degree. Regulus always woke up hard and embarrassed. It was tricky because, against his better judgment, he was friends with James. Regulus saw the man all the time, it couldn’t be helped when James and Sirius were attached at the hip.
Regulus could not be having wet dreams about a man he had to see all the time. His mind didn’t seem to fucking care and Regulus had taken to cutting any fantasies off like he would an intrusive thought.
No. Enough. Intrusive thought, intrusive, thought intrusive thought. Except switching the chant to fantasy didn’t quite do the trick. Regulus still thought it and he still wished he didn’t.
It just didn’t help that James was a very bright, charming, good sort of person. Truly, it was a shame he was annoying, otherwise, he might have been perfect to an inhuman level.
Regulus survived twenty.
He said fuck the leave of absence and dropped out of medicine. (It didn’t happen quite so easily as that sentence made it sound. Rather, it included a lot of crying, therapy, screaming matches with Sirius, and cold shoulders. Eventually, it did happen.)
“Study something you actually enjoy,” James told him.
Regulus didn’t know what he enjoyed. He’d never been allowed to be a person before. At the very least he was certain medicine wasn’t his path. Regulus had a vague idea that humanities were more his style. He’d always loved literature and English, but it wasn’t where the money was.
Sirius told Regulus to do whatever he wanted.
He survived twenty.
__
Twenty-one
_
I’m twenty-one, the edge is razor-thin
Between being numb and feeling everything
It turned out school was easier when he didn’t absolutely despise what he was studying. He didn’t hate every single moment of it. By some miracle, he even made some friends other than Barty and Evan.
He didn’t know where they were now. Barty was throwing up in the bathroom and Pandora had been crying for some reason. That wasn’t Regulus’ problem. The lights were too bright, he just wanted to go home.
Regulus was too ashamed to call his brother. Sirius would be mad. Regulus went for the next best person—James.
James, who showed up in sweats, with his hair a mess. He probably went to bed early; Regulus probably woke him up. But James didn’t complain, he just unlocked the car door and helped Regulus inside.
“Don’t throw up in my car please,” James murmured, rubbing Regulus’ back gently.
“Not gonna. I’m fine, totally fine,” Regulus forced out leaning over in the passenger seat.
He was lying.
James reached into the back seat, pulling out a plastic bag. “If you do, just do it in the bag, please. I don’t want to get my car cleaned.”
Regulus just let out a pathetic groan.
“You drank way too much,” James said disapprovingly as he put the car in drive.
“I know,” Regulus muttered.
James shook his head. “Sirius will be pissed.”
“Don’t tell him, please,” Regulus begged his words slurred. “I don’t want him to know, he worries too much. He-he worries, James… don’t tell him.”
“He’ll know when you stumble into the house drunk off your ass,” James said, eyes fixed on the road.
Regulus just let out an unhappy noise, which was frankly a little pathetic. “Fuck.”
There was a moment of silence before James spoke. “I’ll take you back to mine,” he said after a second. “But you’re washing up and going right to sleep. You’re way too drunk. It’s not safe, Regulus. Especially if you’re going out all the time. You’ll get in trouble one day.”
“I’m an adult,” Regulus grumbled. “I can take care of myself.”
“Evidently, you can’t. If you could, I wouldn’t be picking you up in the middle of the night.”
“I would have been totally, a hundred percent, really fine,” Regulus said quickly, the words jumbling in his mouth as he tried to put them in an order that made sense.
James just shook his head. “Let’s just get you home, okay?”
Regulus didn’t argue again. When they got to James’ place, he let the other man, put an arm around him, helping him into the house.
“Daphne here?” he murmured. “Don’t wanna be in the way.”
“She’s away on business until tomorrow morning. But… you’re not in the way, Regulus,” James said, something gentle in his voice. “You’re my friend, that’s not an inconvenience.”
James led him to the bedroom. Regulus wished the circumstances were different. He could pretend.
“You wanna know something?” Regulus asked as James laid him down in bed. It was warm and comfortable, and Regulus really felt like he was going to be sick. This was better though, being warm. He let out a slow breath.
“What?” James asked, tugging at Regulus’ shoes.
“You’re so, so, so…” Regulus paused trying to find the words. “…so hot,” he paused. “No, that’s not good enough. You’re pretty and funny and kind. And you smile like every smile is going to be your last, and I like that. I like your smile and your hands, and you’re hot and pretty and I have dreams about having sex with you. Even though I’m not supposed to.”
James let out a strangled noise. “I’m sorry you what?” James questioned, his voice rising.
The bed was very comfortable. Regulus didn’t know what he’d even said. He blinked, trying to remember. Oh right, James was hot and sexy. “I think about having sex with you,” Regulus said seriously.
“You can’t say that,” James said in a choked voice.
Yes, he could. Duh, he just did. “Why?”
“I’m way too old for you.”
“Not even ten years,” Regulus grumbled. “But that’s fine. I’m not saying you have to fuck me, I’m just saying I think about it. It’s okay, I’ll just think about it. Cause you’re hot. It’s not fair. Boo.”
There was a long moment of silence and Regulus shut his eyes. God, the room was spinning, he was so tired. He didn’t know why James wasn’t responding, he also didn’t care.
After a few long moments, he heard James curse quietly to himself. “Fuck,” was all he said.
Regulus didn’t know what he was so upset about.
__
Regulus woke with a pounding headache.
It was far too bright, sunlight peeking through the curtains. It must have been the afternoon, considering the brightness. Regulus grimaced.
It took him about two minutes to sit up and recall where he was. Hot shame rushed over him as it all came back.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Regulus swung the blankets back. He was in James’ bed, and he tried to stand up. Instantly, he was hit with a wave of nausea and sat back down. Fucking hell. Why did he get so drunk? Why did he get himself into these situations?
Regulus had never learned not to destroy himself. There was something always there, itching beneath his skin. Regulus wanted to rip out his veins sometimes, see the blood spill.
“Careful.”
Regulus jerked his head up. James was standing in the doorway, holding a cup of water and some painkillers. He stepped into the room, holding it out for Regulus.
Regulus hesitated for a second.
“Go on,” James said.
Slowly, Regulus reached out accepting the medicine and glass of water. He downed a handful of pills, watching James’ brow furrow.
“I’m pretty sure the dosage is no more than two,” James said as Regulus swallowed.
“So what?”
“So, you could die?”
“If paracetamol kills me then that’s natural selection,” Regulus muttered.
“That’s not natural selection, that’s how human bodies work,” James protested.
“Well fuck my body. The stupid piece of shit can’t handle a few drinks…” Regulus muttered.
There was an awkward silence.
It took Regulus about two seconds of processing for everything to properly hit him. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no.
He had told James—James, who had a girlfriend, who was his brother’s best friend and nearly a decade his senior—that he had sex dreams about him.
Oh god, this was the worst, most embarrassing moment of his life.
“I—” Regulus began. At the same time as James spoke.
“Regulus—”
They both froze. “Sorry,” they said at once.
“Uh—” James rubbed the back of his neck, shifting back onto his heels. “You go.”
Regulus swallowed. “Uh, right… I- I’m sorry, about last night. I don’t know what I was saying— I mean, no, I do know, it’s just… I was being drunk and stupid, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Did you mean it?”
“Did— what?” Regulus squeaked. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting James to say.
“You said you thought about me and… you,” James said, and he was staring intensely with something Regulus couldn’t read. His face was carefully blank, his eyes dark. “Did you mean that? Do you?”
James was asking… but Regulus didn’t think it was truly a question. James knew Regulus meant it. He wasn’t asking because he needed to know, rather he was pushing.
“I- yes…” Regulus said, his face warm with embarrassment. Because what was he supposed to do, lie? James already seemed to see right through him.
It was fine. Lots of people had crushes on their big brother’s best friend. In fact, it was probably a rite of passage, crushing on a man your senior. It was a bit cliché, really.
James didn’t respond, and Regulus shifted. He felt self-conscious, and itchy in his own skin.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus blurted out. “I really didn’t mean it to be anything. I wasn’t trying to come onto you or anything, it just came out. We can pretend this never happened and it’s fine. Seriously, just erase it from your memory, I shouldn’t have said it. I was just too drunk, and I understand if you’re upset—”
“I’m way too old for you,” James said cutting Regulus off. He didn’t even say I’m taken. Evidently, the concept of James and Regulus was so outlandish, that the thought didn’t cross James’ mind. He didn’t need to worry about the fact that he had a girlfriend and Regulus admitted to wanting him, because the two of them were just that impossible.
And Regulus knew it’d never happen, but he felt a rush of shame as he suddenly saw the situation through James’ eyes. The stupid best friend’s baby brother, who couldn’t control his life, couldn’t hold his alcohol. Regulus felt stupid.
“I know,” Regulus swallowed. He itched under James’ scrutinizing eyes. “I told you; it wasn’t meant to be anything. It’s cliché really. Yes, you’re hot. It can’t be a crime to think so. I know you like people older than you anyway. That’s what Sirius said. Before I even met you actually, he told me to stay away from you. I guess my reputation precedes me and I’m a bit of a slut so. Everyone knows I’ll let anyone fuck me if they’re half decent and can get at least semi-hard so—”
“Regulus,” James cut him off again, his voice strained. “Stop.”
Regulus instantly clamped his mouth shut, embarrassed at how he’d lost control of his mouth. “Oh, uh, sorry…” he said. “I really am sorry.” He was horrified to find that his voice came out small.
Instantly, James softened. He pulled the water cup and pills from Regulus’ hands, placing them on the bedside table. Then, he turned back to Regulus, surveying him for a second before kneeling down. “I- yes… I’m too old for you. I’m in my thirties, Regulus. I couldn’t be with someone in their early twenties, the maturity level is too different, even if the age gap is objectively not that large. It’s not right. And you’re not a slut, by the way.”
“Right,” Regulus swallowed. “I am, it’s a problem. You don’t know the half of it.”
James paused, eye narrowing. “Meaning?” he asked.
“Nothing,” Regulus swallowed. “I get around, it’s a well-kept secret. I just don’t need Sirius to know. I’m a mess, I sleep with anyone who looks at me right. No need to defend my honor in that sense. I am, and being drunk makes me sloppy so I just… I don’t know I ran my mouth last night. I really didn’t mean to. I don’t want to make everything weird…”
James nodded, slowly. He took a second to respond, and his jaw was tight. Regulus didn’t know which part was causing the tension in his form. “I’m not mad,” he promised. “I just think it is best you forget about whatever crush you have… I- I’m sure there will be other people who are willing to… give you what you want.” Regulus could have sworn his voice sounded particularly strained on the last part, but maybe he was imagining things.
“Maybe it’s a new kink, I’ll find someone older and get it out of my system,” Regulus tried for a joke. It fell flat, in fact, James jerked back at that like the words burned.
“Right,” James said. His brow was furrowed and he seemed confused, mouth twisting in a frown.
“Sorry,” Regulus said weakly.
“Stop apologizing,” James said taking another step back. “It’s not like you. It’s freaking me out frankly.”
“Me not being a bitch freaks you out?” Regulus questioned, swallowing down the shame in the back of his throat. “That might be a sign of something.”
“Maybe,” James put more distance between them. Regulus couldn’t breathe. What if he’d ruined this? “It’s okay, I don’t mind the bitchiness. Keeps life interesting.” James grinned but it felt weak. “Why don’t you change? You can wear whatever you want from my closet. Daphne will be back soon, we can have breakfast.”
“Okay… are you going to tell Sirius that I got too drunk again?”
James paused. After a moment of hesitation, he sighed shaking his head. “Not this time, but if it happens again… I won’t enable you. You’ve been doing good this year, I don’t want you to fall off the rails.”
“I’m not delicate,” Regulus snapped suddenly. Always sharp, always biting. He didn’t know how not to.
James didn’t flinch.
“I don’t think you’re delicate, Regulus. I care about your well-being. So does Sirius, even he’s a little more overbearing about it. You’re allowed to let people care about you.”
“But I’m fine. I don’t need any of this.”
“Except you were so drunk you couldn’t walk on your own yesterday,” James said. He let out a sigh when Regulus just glared at him, arms crossed. “Look, just get up, okay? Have some breakfast. I won’t tell Sirius what happened this time. I’d rather not tell him at all, because I don’t want you to feel like you can’t call me when you need to. But I just… I worry. You have so little regard for your life.”
“I’ve never had much of a life to care about,” Regulus shrugged.
“You do now. You’re in school, you have all those friends you love but will never admit to loving. You have Sirius and Remus and me… sometimes I think you consider yourself to have nothing out of habit. But you, do have a lot of people who care about you.”
Regulus swallowed. “Can we skip the lecture?” he asked instead of acknowledging the knot in his throat.
“Yeah,” James said after a second. “Just… don’t forget it, Reg.”
“Don’t call me Reg,” Regulus snapped, because that was habit. That was how it was.
James smiled. “Okay, love.”
He called everyone love. It still made Regulus’ heartbeat stutter in his chest.
It’d be a very long time before the sex conversation came back up again. But it would. Oh, it would.
Twenty-two
_
It's a cross dissolve
It's a scene I've played before
The Regulus Black who didn’t think he’d make it to twenty, would probably have a lot to say now.
“I don’t know about you! But I’m feeling twenty-two—”
“Sirius I will smack you if you don’t shut the fuck up!” Regulus snapped, glaring at his brother.
“What a downer you are!” Sirius scoffed. “Regulus, it’s your Taylor Swift birthday! This is a big deal.”
“It’s funny that you think I give two shits about Taylor Swift.”
“Don’t try to hide it, Reg,” Sirius shook his head. “I heard you humming Shake It Off the other day.”
“Finding a song catchy does not make me a fan. It does not mean I want to hear your annoying voice screeching the same two lines at me for the millionth time today.”
“I’m just creating the hype, James will agree.” Sirius turned. “Hey, Prongs!”
James was on the sofa with Remus, he looked over at Sirius’ yelling. “Yes, Pads?”
“Don’t you think I should be allowed to sing to Regulus? It’s his Taylor Swift birthday.”
“I’d say yes, but considering it’s Regulus’ birthday… you should also respect his wishes.”
“He already doesn’t even want to hang out with us tonight,” Sirius said in offense.
“Because he’s twenty-two,” Remus cut in. “Regulus has better things to do than hang out with us old people.”
“Yeah, like his boyfriend,” Sirius said suddenly, spinning back on Regulus. “Who by the way, I do not trust.”
“Wait what?” James asked. He sat upright, a faint frown on his face. “Who?”
“Oh!” Sirius’ eyes widened. “You haven’t heard about Benjy? Oh, we’re going to meet Benjy, Prongs. You can help me threaten him—”
“No, you will not!” Regulus cut in. “Benjy is coming to pick me up any minute now. I am going to leave with him, and you’ll be perfectly nice and normal.”
Right on cue, there was a knock at the door. Regulus grabbed for his things, but Sirius was up, beating him to the door. He thrust it open dramatically “Benjy! Welcome, I’ve heard lots about you. Please, come in!”
“No, Sirius!” Regulus said trying to fight his brother to get through the door. “We’re leaving.”
“No, don’t we get to at least properly meet him?” Sirius said pushing Regulus back. He turned on Benjy with a grin. “Don’t you want to meet your boyfriend’s brother? His only family? The most important person in his life—"
“Sirius, I will actually kill you,” Regulus cut him off angrily.
Benjy just laughed. He was completely unfazed, holding out a hand. “Hi, Sirius, I’m Benjy. Nice to meet you.”
“You don’t have to humor him,” Regulus muttered with narrowed eyes.
“I’m not humoring. Maybe, I am genuinely interested in meeting your family,” Benjy raised an eyebrow.
“You shouldn’t be, Sirius is terrible. He’s awful, let’s go.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Sirius said crossly. “He’s trying to turn you against me. I’m wonderful.”
“Hi, Benjy,” Remus stood, making his way over and holding out a hand. “I’m Remus, nice to meet you. Take good care of Regulus for us.”’
Benjy shook Remus’ hand firmly, glancing at Regulus with a small smile. “Of course.”
“Good, then have fun tonight,” Remus said, shooting Sirius a warning look when he opened his mouth. Clearly, Sirius didn’t consider the situation settled but he only glared unhappily.
James, who had strangely been very quiet through the entire ordeal seemed to realize he was being rude and rose from the sofa.
“I’m James,” James shook Benjy’s hand as well.
“James, Remus, Sirius,” Benjy nodded. “Good to put faces to the names.”
Sirius gasped dramatically. “Does Reggie talk about us?”
“No,” Regulus scowled.
“Just a bit,” Benjy said. He touched the small of Regulus’ back in a casual way, and it didn’t feel ill-fitting.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never talk about them,” Regulus grumbled.
“Sure, love,” Benjy shook his head, a smile softening his face. For some reason, James frowned at that.
Regulus didn’t really date. He’d never had a proper boyfriend, but the people he went for were usually Benjy’s complete opposite. They were sharp, wild, often cruel, and bitter just like Regulus. Often, they were worse than Regulus.
Benjy was not any of those things. He smiled a lot, and he read constantly. The titles ranged from classics to young adult teen romances, and he had no shame about any of it. He liked going on dates and bringing Regulus flowers. Regulus had rejected Benjy about three times, but he persevered.
“I just knew,” Benjy told him. “Something about you was calling to me, and I thought I had a chance.”
Regulus had been pretty fucking mean to Benjy, so he didn’t know what gave the man that idea. Regulus didn’t think himself so appealing or striking, but Benjy was enamored, and despite being nothing like Regulus’ type… Regulus may have come to like him just a little bit. It was nice to be loved and wanted. Benjy’s was warm and the way he smiled pulled at something tender in Regulus’ chest. Fuck him, he’d given in, and now Benjy was apparently his boyfriend.
And… it was nice actually. It was really nice. Maybe Regulus had been missing out during his years of hookups and mindless sex. Maybe the whole world was onto something with the relationship thing.
__
“I didn’t realize you had a boyfriend.”
Regulus looked away from the array of snacks he was studying to eye James who leaning on the shopping trolley, eyeing Regulus.
“Huh?”
It’d been two weeks since James had met Benjy, Regulus couldn’t figure why on earth he was bringing it up now—or bringing it up at all.
“Benjy—”
“No, James. I know who he fucking is. I’m just not sure why you’re asking about it.”
“I didn’t ask anything,” James said. “I’m just noting. No one mentioned you were seeing someone, but clearly, Sirius and Remus knew about it. You’ve been together for months apparently?”
“Yeah, we have. I’m not sure why you’re surprised you didn’t know. You were on holiday with Daphne and then you were away on business. You’ve barely been around the last six months. Not like you’re up to date on my life.”
“That doesn’t mean I ought to be frozen out.”
Regulus was suddenly filled with irritation. “Frozen out?” he scoffed. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m just saying, you don’t talk to me anymore.”
“You’re never here!”
“I’m here now.”
James’ voice didn’t rise. They were in a fucking grocery store, after all, at least one of them had some sense. Not Regulus, he was always messy, cracking, cracking, cracking.
There was something in James’ eyes, something Regulus didn’t know how to name. It wasn’t exactly sad, and yearning was too big a word, but he seemed almost hurt to have been in the dark. Regulus wasn’t sure why he softened. He could never stop when it came to James Potter.
He turned back to the snacks, grabbing a bag of crips. “These are the kind Sirius wanted, yeah?”
“Yes,” James said. He watched Regulus as he dropped them into the trolley.
“Okay.” Regulus couldn’t help but scan James’ face. They stood there in the middle of the aisle, something heavy, a heart beating between them. “It wasn’t serious at first. I didn’t think I needed to talk about it.” Regulus turned away, abandoning the snacks section. There was the sound of the trolley wheels creaking as James followed.
“But it is now?” he asked quietly.
Regulus swallowed. “Yeah.”
There was a pause and Regulus really didn’t understand what was happening. “Okay… he didn’t really strike me as your type.”
Despite the fact that Regulus had thought this exact thing before, he felt inexplicably offended by James’ comment. “What, nice? Normal? Decent?”
“You’re so talented at putting words in my mouth,” Something in his tone was… well, not sharp exactly, but it wasn’t really kind. It felt strangely unlike James. Regulus didn’t know what to do with it. “I just mean, I just thought someone less… bubbly would be better suited for you.”
“What? Like Barty or something?” Regulus raised an eyebrow, because that had been a thing last year. Everyone was convinced Regulus and Barty were dating. They were not.
“Yeah, I guess?” James shook his head. “He seems like your type.”
“Would you rather I break up with Benjy and date Barty instead?” Regulus asked. “What is the point of this?”
“I- no, I’m just saying. It’s surprising, he’s not what I’d expect. He seems nice.”
“Yeah, he is, James.”
A pause. James swallowed. “Okay, sure. Just… I mean I know I’ve been busy but don’t shut me out. I’m still your friend.”
“You’re Sirius’ friend.”
“And yours.”
“Shut the fuck up. Remind me to never let Sirius send me on errands with you again.”
James let out an amused laugh and the strange tension between them dissolved. “Noted.”
Twenty-three
_
I need him like water, he thinks that I'm alright
James’ birthday fell on March 27th, the same day it did every year. He was also out of the country for months. By the time he was back, it was June and they decided to celebrate James and Regulus’ birthday together.
It was strange because their birthdays were months apart, so they’d never done that before but well… they shared most of the important people in their lives, so it made sense. Sirius agreed to host, and he invited everyone around for what was supposed to be a good night.
Supposed to. It… well— where to even begin?
It started fine. Daphne and Benjy came over for dinner everyone laughed and chatted warmly. It helped that Benjy and Daphne got on well. It made sense, Benjy had graduated the year before, getting his degree in law. He was always looking for bits of information and advice in the field and James wasn’t often keen to give it. He said he didn’t like talking about work outside of work. But Regulus always got the feeling that he just didn’t like Benjy. Daphne, however, was happy to talk law with Benjy and the two always sought each other out.
Regulus was twenty-three.
He was twenty-three and he didn’t know how this had happened.
He could feel the panic, the fear rising in the back of his throat.
“You alright?” Benjy asked, putting a hand on Regulus’ arm. He leaned in brow furrowed.
Regulus blinked. He didn’t realize Benjy had ended his conversation with Daphne. “Yeah,” he said.
No.
Something was ticking. Like his heart beating in his chest. Tick tock, tick, tock.
Benjy tilted his head. They’d been dating for over a year now. Benjy knew Regulus. He knew when he was lying. “Regulus…”
“Really,” Regulus swallowed. “Just birthdays, they’re overwhelming sometimes.”
Benjy nodded. He didn’t understand. He wasn’t the sort of person who cried on their birthday. He wasn’t someone who felt the ticking time bomb of his mortality every second of every day.
Tick, tick, tick.
Regulus never really meant to be twenty-three. The years since has was nineteen had passed in a blur. Snapshots.
He kept waking up. It wasn’t that Regulus even wanted to change that. He wasn’t thinking about killing himself, but he was thinking of something. How ill-fitting living felt on him. How uncomfortable and awkward over his skin.
“…Regulus?”
Regulus blinked.
They’d sat down to eat. Everyone else was talking, Regulus was staring at his wine glass.
How strange it was to keep waking up.
Regulus tore his eyes from the untouched liquid. “Huh?”
Everyone was looking at him. Benjy was the one talking. His frown from earlier was back, deeper.
“What?” Regulus scowled when no one spoke after a moment.
“Are you sure you’re alright—”
“I’m fucking fine!”
Regulus didn’t mean to snap. He didn’t know where it came from. He and Benjy didn’t fight often and now he jerked back in surprise at Regulus’ demeanor.
“Okay,” James was standing suddenly, pushing his chair back. “Come on.”
“No,” Regulus said stubbornly. “What’s your problem?”
“Get up,” James demanded.
“No!”
James moved around the table, grabbing Regulus by the shoulder. “Come on,” he said firmly. “Either we’re talking or you and Sirius will, and I’m willing to guess I’ll pry a lot less than him.” James cast Sirius a look. Sirius was staring at Regulus, brow furrowed in concern. Sirius had spent a lot of years piecing Regulus back together, what a fucking shame it never truly stuck.
James’ hand was still on Regulus’ shoulder.
“Come on, love.”
James never called Regulus that anymore. He didn’t know if it had to do with what Regulus called The Drunken Accident, or because Benjy had a habit of using it as a term of endearment.
Regulus rose. He followed James out the front door, onto the porch. The air was warm and a little muggy—summer already underway.
James shut the door gently behind him turning to face Regulus.
“James—” Regulus began but before he could even begin to form a sentence James was taking a step forward and—
And he was hugging Regulus.
They’d never done that before, but James was warm and he smelled familiar. Regulus, who was not usually a hugger, somehow fucking melted, his hands wrapping tentatively around James’ middle.
Suddenly, it was all too much. The time bomb was ticking, James was warm and Regulus was just so… confused.
He cried on his birthday. Sniffling into James’ shirt like an idiot.
James just held him close, a gentle hand going to the back of Regulus’ neck.
And maybe James Potter was never made to love Regulus in the way he wanted, but James did love him, in some way. That was undeniable and it sent jagged cracks running over the bloody surface of Regulus’ ticking heart.
He does love me. He does just not in the way I want. Not in the way I love him.
Because at some point, it’s stopped being wet dreams. It’s stopped starting and ending with the muscles of James’ forearms and images of him having his way with Regulus. Now, more often, Regulus thought about the way James smiled. How he went running every morning, rain or shine. How he never talked about his parents passing, but he cooked their recipes and told their stories, keeping them alive. He always came when Regulus called, no matter why, what, or when. Sometimes, Regulus suspected that if he phoned James while the other man was out of the country and requested he come back, James might do it.
But Regulus never asked.
“Turning twenty-three?” James asked quietly.
“Just as bad as turning twenty it turns out,” he mumbled into James’s chest.
“Yeah… I know.” And he did. James seemed to get it, get why Regulus was so distraught over his fucking birthday. “I don’t know what I’m doing. With… anything, any of it. I have no idea who I am.”
“That’s what being twenty-three is for.”
“I didn’t plan for this… everyone else seems alright.” Regulus sniffed, pulling back. He tried to duck his head, wiping at his face but James caught him by the jaw.
It seemed like James intended to say something but as Regulus looked up into James’ eyes, the words seemed to die on his lips. He was just looking down at Regulus like he’d never seen him before.
James’ lips were slightly parted, his eyes wide as he looked down at Regulus, still holding his face.
“James?”
He was just staring, staring, staring.
James blinked. He clamped his mouth shut. A second passed.
“Oh,” was all James said.
Like the world was ending, like something had just lodged itself inside his chest and cracked him open.
What was it? Regulus wanted to know.
James was staring. His eyes flicked down to Regulus’ lips. It hit Regulus at the exact moment James jerked back letting go of Regulus like he’d been burned.
“What?” was the only thing Regulus could manage, his eyes widening.
He wasn’t misinterpreting that. He couldn’t be. James wanted him.
Holy fucking shit, James wanted him.
“James do—”
“No,” James interrupted. He took a step backward, putting distance between them. “Don’t.”
“But you—”
“Regulus,” his voice was strained, hard as his expression suddenly closed off. “Whatever the fuck you’re thinking just stop. I- just stop.”
“You want me,” Regulus said stubbornly, the words tumbling from his mouth.
“I don’t,” it fell flat and useless. James didn’t mean it.
“You do,” Regulus said fiercely. “You never have before but just now, you did.”
“You’re a kid.”
“I’m twenty-three.”
“That’s young.”
“Then maybe you have a thing for kids.”
James took an angry step forward before immediately stepping back, like he was afraid to get too close.
“Shut up, shut up,” James said hoarsely. “Just… Jesus.”
“It’s fine,” Regulus said weakly. “You know I wanted you to fuck me.”
James visibly recoiled at that. As if the word fuck might hurt him. Might crack his resolve.
“That was a long time ago.”
Regulus shrugged. An admission. “Doesn’t mean it went away.”
The noise James let out was distressed. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a shaky breath.
“You’re too young,” he said his voice strained. “You’re too young and I’m in a relationship. You’re in a relationship so I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish.”
This time, the relationship crossed James’ mind. Regulus meant enough for him to consider his girlfriend in the equation.
Regulus wanted to die, but he also felt a little triumphant. Maybe it was useless, painful knowledge, but James Potter wanted Regulus.
He didn’t know what he was trying to accomplish either, but it was better to watch James squirm, to see the weight that had been in Regulus’ bones for so long mirrored.
“Your brain isn’t even fully developed yet,” James said, swallowing.
“What if it was?”
“What?”
“What if I want you when I’m twenty-four or twenty-five, then what?”
“Nothing. You’re in a relationship.”
Regulus liked Benjy. He liked him a lot. What the fuck was he doing? It’s not like he was going to cheat. It’s not like he was going to break up with his boyfriend just to have sex with James Potter once… but a part of him wanted it. A part of him ached, lived, and died for James Potter. A part of Regulus screamed to throw it all away.
He wondered if James could sense that. Did he have any idea of the power he held?
They were at an impasse.
What was the point?
James took another step back. This time, Regulus didn’t say a word.
He let James go. Back through the front door, leaving Regulus there on what had to make the ranks of at least top five worst birthdays.
Regulus never meant to be twenty-three.
__
Life shifted.
Last time there was a major shift, Regulus was nineteen, moving in with his brother. He was suicidal and alone. Then Sirius had come in, giving Regulus a home, a life, and a strange little family between them.
It wasn’t what Regulus expected, but he was glad for it. Sirius and Regulus had been out of contact for years. Sirius left when Regulus was still a kid. They didn’t get to grow up together. Regulus didn’t know how to be loved, but sometimes he would remember Sirius. The way he taught Regulus to tie his shoes and sign his name.
When Regulus fell, it was Sirius who was there.
When he was six with a skinned knee, it was teenage Sirius scooping him up with gentle hands.
“Shh, shh, Reggie. I’ve got you, it’s just a little cut. We’ll go clean it up and I’ll get you a plaster, alright?”
Sirius never told Regulus it was okay. It was only ever: “I’ve got you.”
I’ve got you, I’ve got you, I’ve got you.
Regulus didn’t have any contact with his brother for a very long time. He left when he was seventeen and Regulus was still so young. Alone in that house. Alone with his mother’s hand on the back of his neck.
He grew up on his own, but when he thought about being loved Sirius’ face came to mind.
When Regulus finally snapped at nineteen, tipping right over the edge—it was Sirius who found him.
Regulus didn’t call. He couldn’t have. He didn’t know where Sirius was, or what he was doing. He could have been across the fucking world for all Regulus knew. They didn’t even know each other anymore.
But word spread. Alphard heard of Regulus’ attempt through Andromeda who heard it through Narcissa and somehow Sirius Black ended up in Regulus’ hospital room, shifting uncomfortably.
They were strangers, years stretching between them.
“Oh, you’re grown up,” was all Sirius managed to choke out.
“No, shit,” Regulus scoffed.
“Come with me,” Sirius begged even though they were strangers, ghosts of two brothers who knew each other once.
Regulus didn’t know why he’d done it. Maybe because when Regulus’ breath caught, Sirius didn’t say it was okay.
“I’ve got you.”
“You’re fine,” was what Walburga Black had snapped, her face twisted in distaste. “I don’t know where any of this is coming from. You have everything and you’re truly that ungrateful? You’re fine, quit this nonsense.”
Regulus was not fine.
He was dying, each breath scraping its way out of his lungs. Hands shaking, cracking, cracking, cracking.
This time, Sirius asked him to come. Regulus did.
Sirius didn’t ask the first time. Regulus was a kid and Sirius was underage, he couldn’t care for a child. He had no home and no money. Not a single thing to his name.
Now, Regulus understood. Sirius was gay and their parents found out. It was either stay and be destroyed or run.
Regulus understood, but a part of him was always that kid. Sneaking down the stairs to wait at the window. Looking up at the sky, hoping, praying, begging for his brother to return.
Then Sirius did, so Regulus left his life behind.
Things shifted.
Now, Regulus was sitting at the dining room table. He could hear his breath, deafeningly loud. Benjy was at his side, chatting with Remus about an author they both liked. James and Sirius were gossiping about someone they went to school with. Daphne was nowhere to be found tonight, and when pressed on it, James had just shrugged. “She had a lot of work to do.”
Maybe that was true. Maybe it wasn’t. Daphne’s presence had been scarce lately, and Regulus was very careful not to feel any sort of way about that.
The conversation shifted. Sirius said something about Regulus’ graduation. Suddenly, Benjy was turning his head, shooting Regulus a meaningful look.
Right. Okay.
Regulus could do this.
“Sirius.”
“Yeah?”
Regulus opened his mouth before promptly shutting it. He wasn’t sure how to get the words out.
Sirius’ eye narrowed, sitting straighter at Regulus’ hesitation. “What?” he prompted. “Oh, god, Reggie, please do not tell me you dropped out of school or something—”
“What? No,” Regulus said quickly. “It’s not that!”
“Then why are you looking at me like I’m about to eat you?”
Regulus swallowed. Benjy nudged him encouragingly.
“I- it’s about my masters.”
Sirius frowned. “Okay… what about it?”
“I um… I’m not staying at the same school.”
“Oh,” Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. “Jesus, Reggie, I thought you were about to tell me something awful. That’s fine, you don’t need to continue at the same uni. I mean it’s convenient—”
“No, Sirius I mean I’m moving.”
There was a silence.
“What?”
Regulus looked to Benjy helplessly. “Well,” Regulus began shakily, “Benjy got offered a job somewhere else, and I figured I might as well apply just to see. But I- I was accepted, and frankly, it’s a far better school than I’m at right now. It’s not that far, maybe a five-hour drive—"
“Five hours? Regulus what the fuck? That is far,” Sirius said, his voice tight.
“But it’s not like out of the country—”
“You’re leaving.”
“I’m twenty-three Sirius! I just moved out of your place, and even that you threw a fit over. You’re not my keeper and I’m not your fucking child.”
“It’s a big change, Regulus. That’s sudden.”
“It’s not sudden, Benjy and I have talked about it for a while.”
Sirius shook his head. “But you didn’t tell me.”
“Because I knew you’d throw a fit over it,” Regulus threw a hand in the air. “As you’re doing right now.”
That shut Sirius up. He just glared at Regulus, his mouth pressed in a thin line.
“It’s not like I’ll never see you,” Regulus said.
“But you’ll be gone.”
“Yeah, Sirius that’s how it works. I can’t be your baby brother forever, I’m not. I’m my own person with my own life. It’s a far better program, a better school. You should want me to take that opportunity.”
Sirius swallowed. “So, it’s decided then?” he asked quietly. “You’re leaving?”
“No, no,” Regulus shook his head. “Nothing is set in stone… it’s just something we’ve been discussing. I haven’t decided if I want to go yet.”
“…okay,” was all Sirius said. Clearly, the conversation wasn’t settled, but they didn’t argue further.
There was an awkward silence and Benjy hurried to fill it, bringing up a work story. They’d already heard it, but they all listened anyway, happy to change the subject.
James was watching Regulus.
He always did these days. Regulus could feel it, the constant prickling on his skin, but he never looked back. Better to pretend he didn’t notice.
Things were weird between them now. Even Sirius had noticed, questioning if they’d had a falling out.
Regulus didn’t know what to call it, but he didn’t think they were friends anymore. James avoided spending any time with Regulus, always backing out or making excuses so they spent as little time together as possible.
He tried when Remus put them on dish duty after dinner.
“No Prongs, you and Reg didn’t help with the cooking so you have to do the dishes. That’s the rule.”
“Sirius didn’t help!”
“He chopped vegetables.”
So, James very unhappily joined Regulus in the kitchen.
He wasn’t looking anymore. In fact, he was very fixated on doing the dishes, carefully not looking over at Regulus.
Regulus didn’t like that. Something crackled under his skin.
How dare James ignore him? Some fucking nerve he had.
“Where’s Daphne really?” Regulus asked, his tone too sharp, too venomous.
James stilled.
“Working,” he said, his shoulders tense. He still didn’t look over at Regulus.
“She’s working a lot lately.”
“Yeah well, that’s how it is.”
Regulus paused. He thought for approximately half a second before speaking. Bad idea. “Are you breaking up?”
James spun at that, finally snapping. “Why Regulus?” he asked sharply. “Why does it matter to you?”
“I’m just asking—”
“You’re playing with me,” James said, his voice an angry whisper so no one in the next room would overhear. “This is a game to you. No matter that it’s ruining my life!”
“Ruining your life? What the hell are you even talking about?”
“You! You’re ruining my life. You are trying to force your way in all the time. Always testing me, always getting too close. You have a fucking boyfriend and then you do this, you push me.”
“You ignore me!” Regulus said heatedly.
“So, I don’t grab you and—” James cut himself off suddenly taking a quick step back.
“And what?” Regulus pressed. “Hm?”
Suddenly the space was gone. James was pressing in until Regulus’ back hit the counter. His hand was on Regulus’ jaw, forcing his head up so they were eye-to-eye. “So I don’t ruin you,” James hissed. He was far too close. “Because I will. Do you have any idea how that feels? To be using all my resolve to stay away from you when you keep pushing? I don’t want to be a bad person. I- I didn’t think I was a bad person, but you make me question that.”
“James—”
“Don’t, don’t,” he stepped back suddenly, letting go of Regulus. “Go. Leave. Move away. I want you to leave. I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to look at you. I need you to go, because my relationship is falling apart, and you are going to ruin me. The truth is there is nowhere that is far enough to get you out from under my skin.”
Regulus swallowed his mouth dry. The distance burned more than the contact had. Something raw and aching opened up in the space between them.
“I feel like you hate me.” The words tumbled desperate and pathetic out of Regulus’ mouth.
James blinked. His expression shifted, breaking into something less angry and more pained.
“I don’t hate you, Regulus.”
“Then—”
“I just can’t, okay? I can’t. You have a life, you have a boyfriend and I’ve been trying for months to keep things okay between us. It’s not working. I don’t hate you, but I think you should leave. Go have your life. Do it somewhere else.”
“Okay…” Regulus said. He felt like a live wire, an exposed nerve. Raw, skinned, pried open for James to see.
“I—” James exhaled slowly, squeezing his eyes shut. After a second, he opened them steadying himself. “I’m sorry, Regulus. I am.”
“Yeah, me too.”
A part of Regulus wondered what would happen if he told the truth. If he spat it out once and for all.
I don’t just want to have sex with you. I don’t just want you to want me. It’s bigger, you consume me, I belong to you. Every time my heart beats I feel like there’s something missing. I’d give it all up. I’d throw everything I have away for you.
Regulus turned back to drying dishes. He didn’t say a word.