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At the age of 22 Dazai Osamu is no stranger to touch.
He experiences on daily basis when Kunikida shakes his shoulders demanding his paperwork or when Atsushi tugs on his wrist to get his attention.
But it didn’t always used to be like this.
His parents were workaholics who never paid any attention to him or what he was doing. He was left alone in the house more days than he can count thus making his relationship with his parents very shallow. There never was any goodnight kisses or hugs. He wouldn’t even know what they meant if he hadn’t read books. (He was homeschooled so he hardly left the house to see such normal behaviours people did on daily basis.)
He tried to kill himself at the age of fifteen and thats how he met Mori. He knew the man was creepy but he hated the life he had then so he didn’t say anything when the man took him under his wing. His parents were hardly a issue considering their relationship.
So to say he had a loving childhood would be a lie.
He joined the Port Mafia and was out of his house (Thank God) and that’s how he started observing people. To be more precise he started observing the relationships people had with one and other. People seemed to like touching each other which was something Dazai had a rough time understanding. It just seemed such a normal thing, his hands and arms touched himself constantly and he didn’t get any pleasure out of it, why did other people did? He didn’t understand why people needed it this much.
Until him.
Him, Chuuya, a fierce fifteen year old who smashed his way into Dazai’s life with his ginger hair and big words.
He was a very touchy person due to his personality.
Dazai more often than not found himself in some way or another, touching Chuuya. Whether it was their knees touching when they were sitting next to each other or their arms brushing, he was always in some kind of contact with him.
It was certainly a new.. experience for him.
As the years passed the amount of contact they had with each other grew, as did their relationship. They said they hated each other and in some ways they did but it never suppressed the amount of understanding they had over one and other.
They had this.. thing with each other where when Chuuya was stressed he would take Dazai’s hand and fidget with his fingers. No one knew why the demon prodigy let someone do this kind of thing to him. This looked like intimacy, something the feared teen should not be seen having. But the truth was, Dazai was all in for it. He loved how Chuuya touched him . Your fingers are supposedly one of the body parts where you don’t feel so touch starved but to Dazai it was all the same.
At this point, he understood peoples need of touching and being touched by other people. He wanted to be touched by Chuuya all the time.
This was classified to Chuuya only though.
He didn’t like it when Mori touched him. He could sense the underlying intentions the man had and he didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t want to feel Mori’s skin on his skin. At some point he started wearing bandages on his hands and fingers as to avoid said mans touch but later on he found it a bit hard to maintain.
…
Odasaku was a new experience. Though they didn’t touch each other much, sometimes he would pat Dazai’s head as if he was a child. Dazai used to whine about how he was a very mature person who by the way was just made executive, Odasaku would shake his head fondly and say “I think that maybe sometimes you forget that you’re only a seventeen year old kid.”
…
It’s been a long time since he was considered a kid.
…
His relationship with Chuuya is complicated he thinks. He always tries to get a rise out of the Chibi, annoying him with countless ways he can imagine.
They aren’t particularly gentle with each other. But this one night, it’s Chuuya’s birthday and they are sent on a mission a bit on the edges of Yokahama. They successfully finish what they came there for and go to the motel Mori got for them.
It’s a shit hole.
The couch has questionable stains on it, the window is a bit..crooked and most importantly, there is only one bed.
When they see the room they share a quiet glance at each other and sigh in union.
“Well I guess this is how I spend my eighteenth birthday. Stuck in a disgusting room with you from all of people.” Chuuya says.
“Chibi is just sad that he has to sleep on the couch.”
“Haa??? No way I am sleeping on that disgusting thing. It’s my birthday, I am taking the bed.” Chuuya says moving to sit on the bed.
Dazai beats him to it by jumping on the bed and has a mocking smile on his face.
“Nope, I called dips and you know how my back hurts Chuuuuuya.”
“Wha- I don’t care about that shitty Dazai get off the bed.”
“Nope.” Dazai says popping the “p”.
Chuuya unhappily grunts and starts moving towards the bed once again ”Fine, if you are so determined to have it, then we’ll just have to share.”
He gives no warning whatsoever and jumps on the bed, more precisely on top Dazai.
Dazai shrieks. “Get off you tiny slug. You are too heavy for your height.”
Chuuya predictably does not move.
“Fine, fine we can share. Ugh, I didn’t know Chibi wanted to sleep with me that much.”
At this Chuuya proceeds to move aside. ”As if! Who would wanna sleep with you? I don’t want to do it either, It’s disgusting! But i m not just gonna spend my birthday on a couch that has questionable stains all over it.”
At this Dazai’s eyes seem to darken, his fake cheer he has on his face fades but says “Whatever Chuuya needs to say to help him sleep at night.”
“Asshole.”
“Slug”
“Ugh, fine just go to sleep.”
Chuuya however contrarily to his words, does not go to sleep. He gets up and checks his phone for any calls that might have come during their mission but finds none. He hasn’t had any birthday celebrations today and is a bit disappointed to be honest. He hoped at least Ane-san would give him a call but its fine. He is in the mafia for fucks sake. There isn’t time for birthdays so he sighs and closes his phone. When he turns back to the bed, he sees Dazai schooched up at the side of the bed. He lays down next to him and can’t seem to shake the unease he has over the fact that there is a giant space between him and Dazai. Okay, he did say that he didn’t want to sleep with him but Dazai looks like he may fall off the edge any time soon. And thats the only reason he calls out and says: “Hey, I’m not gonna bite you, you can move closer to the center.”
Dazai’s back is faced to him so he just sees him lift one shoulder up and down, shrugging.
What’s his problem? Chuuya said it was fine and-
But wait.
“Who would wanna sleep with you?” “Its disgusting.”
Is he hung up upon that?
He can’t be. Chuuya obviously didn’t mean it. They say shit like that all the time, but maybe Dazai took this one to heart.
“Hey, I’m sorry you are not a disgusting person to sleep with. Now come closer.”
Dazai looks back at him but does not turn back.
“Does Chibi promise?”
“Yeah, I promise now come on.”
At this Dazai starts moving closer to Chuuya. He puts his hands under his head, facing him.
They stay like that for a while, staring at each other. It’s eleven fifty eight pm. In two minutes Chuuya’s birthday will be over.
There are times in their relationship when Dazai wonders about what more could it be. He usually comes up with the conclusion that there can’t be something more. Everything he ever wants is always gets taken away from him. So he decides that he doesn’t want Chuuya.
But just for one night, he thinks he can make an exception.
There is only a few inches between their hands, there has always been those few inches that they can’t never seem to close but just for this night, just once in his life Dazai decides to finally close that gap.
He brushes his fingers on top of Chuuya’s and says “Happy birthday Chuuya.” he closes his eyes after that. He cant bear to see the rejection he might get but that doesn’t happen. Instead Chuuya’s fingers tighten around his and in a gentle voice he hears “About time you Shithead.” and that is the end of that.
Thats’ the closest they get ‘cause in a few days Odasaku will be dead and in a few days there will be no more Chuuya and Dazai.
…
20 years old:
In the years following his departure, he isolates himself and thinks about everything and nothing.
He thinks about Chuuya, hopes his farewell gift made him angry enough to forget the night of his birthday. He doesn’t want Chuuya to mope after him like he is doing right now. It’s not a pleasant feeling.
…
He also thinks about other things such as touch. His relationship with it mostly decreased over the two years.
He thinks there is more to it than what people think. It’s not simple. Or else he wouldn’t be thinking about it every moment his brain is not occupied with something else. Oh how he wished he was younger now.
For Dazai it’s like he can’t understand the concept of touch. How he can want it so much one day and would rather die than being touched the other. He doesn’t know how to want it, doesn’t know how to achieve it.
He sleeps with someone, one night when he is drunk. He doesn’t think he practically enjoys it because in his mind he thinks: “This should feel good. Why am I not feeling anything? Am I that much inhuman to experience this too?”
He gathers up the courage to try it once more and he is somewhat okay. He doesn’t hate it but he doesn’t think he enjoys it either.
…
He also sometimes doesn’t understand when someones touch bothers him. It’s like he is there and it’s okay. He isn’t actively loving it but it also doesn’t make him want to retch. He is neutral to the situation. He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing, doesn’t know if he should allow it.
His thoughts don’t change much in the following years when he joins the agency. There still isn’t someone he wants to be touched by. He thinks maybe Chuuya was just the exception.
Later though he disproves his theory. He is 22 years old now and him and Chuuya are talking again. There are brief touches here and there. Soon it starts to grow into something more. Like what they used to have back then. But this time Dazai doesn’t think he is as much enthusiastic about touching Chuuya as he was before.
…
Experiences on situations which includes two parties don’t always has to be the same. You can’t expect someone to feel the same thing as you about that situation but with touch, it feels like something the both parties should feel the same about. If he doesn’t feel anything, is it unfair to the person touching him? To Chuuya? He doesn’t want to feel nothing when Chuuya touches him but he can’t really do anything about it either. He knows its wrong but his thought progress somehow goes to accepting the touch just to satisfy Chuuya. Some days he lets Chuuya touch him, not for his own pleasure but for Chuuya’s. He knows it’s wrong, knows he shouldn’t let it but he also doesn’t know how to voice this. Not when Chuuya’s looking like this is something he enjoys. He doesn’t want to take away something the other man likes.
Maybe it’s because they aren’t where they were 4 years ago. Don’t get him wrong, their bond is not shallow but its also not what it was before. They have work to get there.
…
After the whole Shibusawa accident where Chuuya literally fought a dragon believing in him, they are lying on the ground with Chuuya on top of Dazai. The fog hasn’t cleared yet and Dazai can’t be bothered to deal with Chuuya’s ability right now so he keeps on touching him.
He started to be more okay with it lately. He doesn’t know what affected it. Maybe it was because he got used to it. It got bad in his time before the agency, when he was isolated so maybe it was the lack of it that made it worse. His body got so used to not being touched that when someone do touches him, he doesn’t know what to feel.
…
It’s weeks after that when he gets a phone call in the middle of the night. It reads “Slug” as the caller. He accepts it on the first ring.
“To what do I owe this pleasure to?” he asks.
“Can you maybe, like come over?”
Huh, that he was not expecting.
“My my Chuuya, you could’ve at least asked me to dinner first.” It is so fun to tease the redhead.
“That’s not what I am implying and you know it!”
“Okay, why then?”
“Just to you know…talk.” Smooth Chuuya, smooth.
“At 1 o’clock?”
“Yes.” He can hear Chuuya’s sigh from the phone. “Are you coming or not?”
“I’ll accept your invite.”
So he goes to Chuuya’s apartment. He is interested in this “talk” they are about to have.
He does not ring the doorbell like a normal person would do, instead choosing to pick the lock. His attempt is however a fail as Chuuya hears him and unlocks the door himself.
“I’m not even going to yell at you about this.” he says pinching his nose.
“Well that’s a first.”
“Ha ha.” is Chuuya’s dry response. He gets inside the flat, Chuuya following him and sits on the couch.
“So what’s with this serious late night talk we’re gonna have? Are you gonna propose?” He suggestively raises his eyebrows.
“You know, you’ve got an active imagination but that might be the most bizarre thing you ever said. And no, that’s not why I asked you here.”
“So? Spill the beans Hatrack.”
“Okay, so uhmm..”
“You have to be more precise.”
“Fuck it, okay. I know this isn’t very us but at the same time I know we are trying to be better. So I just wanted to ask.”
He is curious about what Chuuya’s rambling about. “Yes?”
“Does me touching you bothers you?”
Dazai might be the first time in his life frozen to his place. He didn’t think he was showing any signs of uncomfort around Chuuya but maybe he was wrong. He doesn’t really feel uncomfortable though, so why is Chuuya asking this?
“Uhm, why do you ask?”
“So it’s a yes.”
“No, it’s a ‘Why do you ask?’”
“I don’t know. You just never initiate it but at the same time you never say anything when I do it. I don’t want to do something that might be bothering you so instead of overthinking it, I thought maybe I should ask. Since we are trying to be better and all.”
There is a loud silence that hangs in the air for a minute. Then: “ I dont’t know the answer to that.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I just don’t.”
“Well can you elaborate? Should I stop?”
“No. Don’t, that’s not what I meant.” He sighs, this was not a conversation he thought he would be having today.
“I think that maybe in order for me to feel like I did when we were young, I have to feel more close to you?”
“Is that a question or a fact?”
“I don’t know Chuuya. I have been searching for that answer my whole life. Me and touch go way back.”
“Well you don’t have to feel like you did back then, you know that right? It’s okay to feel different. “
“Yeah but I want to feel like that.”
It shouldn’t be this complicated.
“I think that maybe you might have overthinked this your whole life and now you have expectations of what touch is supposed to feel like. There isn’t any criteria though. It’s just natural instinct.”
“So you’re saying if I don’t think about it I might enjoy it?”
“Well not particularly but yes. Think about this as sex. It’s just pure instinct, either you like it or you don’t and it’s fine either way.”
“I don’t think I like sex.”
There is brief silence where Dazai thinks about throwing himself out the window for sharing this but it doesn’t last long as Chuuya continues to say:
“That’s okay too.”
Now it’s Dazai’s time to be silent.
“You don’t have to like something because the society told you to. It’s only sex.”
“It’s complicated I think. I don’t hate it I just don’t like being so close to people. That’s reserved for specific people only.”
“Did you have sex with any of those specific people?”
“No.”
“Well there you go, what you lack might be just that. A connection.”
That makes sense. He was close with Chuuya before thus making him want to be touched. He never did found anyone he wanted to touch or be touched by other than him. He was talking about Chuuya when he said “specific people”.
When they saw each other again it was after four years of no touching so it might have damaged it.
It’s funny how Chuuya is always the one who changes Dazai’s view on certain topics.
“Am I on the list of those specific people?” Chuuya asks not looking at his eyes.
“Yes, I think you might be the only one actually… I don’t know if that’s healthy.”
Chuuya scoots closer to him.
“Well do you feel okay when I touch you like this?”
He puts a hand on his arm, gently moving his thumb up and down.
“That feels nice.”
He then proceeds to bring his other hand on his neck.
“Now? Is this okay?”
He takes a breath and answers.
“Yeah.”
Dazai is the one scooting towards the other now, making them more closer than ever.
“What about now, how do you feel?”
He swallows, their faces are mere inches apart now.
“Like I can’t breath.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“Good. Definitely good.”
In the end it’s Dazai who closes the gap between their mouths. It’s a gentle kiss. Not what probably both of them thought their first kiss would be like. There was so much tension between them back when they were younger. There is now too but it is mostly positive.
They pull apart before things get heated. It isn’t exactly the right time to push things forward. Their foreheads though, stay in touch. Chuuya brings up his hand to Dazai’s cheeks and gently
strokes it. He lets out a content sigh.
Dazai is the one breaking the silence as he asks:
“What happens now?”
“I don’t know but I know that I want to be with you. I’ve been thinking about this since we’ve been sixteen actually.”
He chuckles a bit at that and continues:
“So I think that we should give us a go. If that’s what you want as well.”
At that moment all Dazai can think about is “yes, yes, yes”.
“Yeah. I think I’d like that.”
Maybe he was wrong all those years ago. Maybe he can have this with Chuuya.
.
.