Tearing It Apart

by cadkitten

Summary:

Something happens with Die that isn't his fault and he admits some things he doesn't mean to. Kyo acts on it, trying to make things easier for his friends, but ignores his own feelings in the process. Two plus one equals three, and eventually everything comes out in the open. What happened to Die and how will everything turn out?

Notes:

Starts out during Family Values Tour and progresses forward. I'm just going to put dates, so that people don't get lost when I skip a few days or something. Edited November 2008.

Chapter 1

August 16, 2006 - 11:19pm - Albuquerque, New Mexico

Die ran his hand through his red and black hair, pushing it out of his eyes as he took another swig from his beer. A grin caressed his lips as he watched Shinya get into an arm wrestling competition with one of the other drummers they were on tour with. He loudly encouraged him in somewhat broken English, trying his best to be louder than the people rooting for the other man. The last swig of his beer was taken just as Shinya's arm hit the table, signaling defeat.

The blonde drummer stood up, grabbed his own beer, and disappeared into the crowd of musicians, heading away from Die. Die shrugged and tossed his empty bottle into one of the many trashcans around the parking lot. He grinned as the dark-haired guitarist for one of the other bands stumbled up to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He'd been hanging out with the guy more and more lately, despite the fact that he still didn't know his name.

"Hey, Die, man, you should come hang with us." The other man's words were slurred and almost indiscernible to Die, but his point was made clear when he slung an arm around Die and began to wobble off toward the rest of his band mates.

Die helped the other man walk back toward his buddies, as it was fairly obvious he was doing a piss-poor job of walking by himself. He found it amusing that most of them were lightweights in comparison to him and he didn't even really party all that much. Once they got to the guy’s band, he shifted the guitarist's weight onto the guy standing nearest to him, grinning at them.

There was a smattering of greetings and a few grunts of acknowledgment before they all resumed drinking and chatting. Die felt someone shove a beer into his hands, the cold glass slippery with sweat. It wasn't Heineken, but who was he to reject free booze? He responded with a short "thank you" and then proceeded to slam half of it in one go.

Die fidgeted, not quite sure what to do since the band seemed to be having their own conversation without any need for his participation. He simply stood there for a minute, sipping on the beer. It tasted like ass, but that was about average for what all these people seemed to like to drink. He grimaced and chugged the rest of it before tossing the bottle into a trash bin and stumbling off toward the tour bus.

He felt significantly more trashed than he normally would after such a small amount of alcohol, but he added it up to being tired and the constant nightly partying that had been going on for more than two weeks now. It was like these guys never took a break from the ever-flowing booze, women, drugs, and bantering. Even he was having a difficult time keeping up with them. And it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.

Thoughts of how incredibly different things were here flitted through his head as he accidentally stumbled into someone. He mumbled an apology before continuing on his way, only vaguely remembering where their bus was. Here, it seemed, almost anything went, so long as the band could still perform. Being drunk on stage was almost common and the use of recreational drugs was flooring. He winced as he recalled just how many times he'd turned down various drugs in the past few days alone - pot, heroine, ecstasy....

Die finally reached the bus and climbed the steps, feeling like lead weights were attached to his feet. He ended up stumbling over the last step and fell quite gracelessly into someone's arms. Whoever it was managed to get him back on his feet and led him supportively to the back of the bus, sitting him down on the bench-seat. He turned his head and grinned at the familiar poof of blonde hair. "Hey, Kyo!"

"Hey, yourself. If you puke on me, I kill you." The vocalist wrinkled his nose as he sat down beside of the rhythm guitarist. "You smell like butt."

Die lifted his shirt to his nose and sniffed, shrugging as he dropped it back into place. "Not really."

"Your sense of smell is fucked, then." Kyo shook his head and laughed. "Then again, you look pretty fucking wasted, so you probably think you smell like daisies."

Die sniffed his shirt again, this time inhaling deeply. "Daisies... no, no daisies... maybe beer, but not daisies." Tentatively he darted out his tongue and tasted the material, frowning when it didn't taste like he'd expected.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"It doesn't taste like beer." Die's frown deepened even more and he dropped his shirt again. He tilted his head and the world tilted the opposite direction. He repeated the action, faster each time, his head going side to side until he was giggling insanely and clinging to both the bench and Kyo's thigh for support. Finally he stopped and stared at Kyo as his face swam before his eyes. "I bet Kaoru would taste like beer!" He giggled again with the sudden, brilliant realization.

Kyo arched an eyebrow at him. "And how exactly would you intend to find out if he did?"

"Hmmmm," Die suddenly looked serious. "I'd kiss him."

Kyo folded his arms across his chest. "Oh, would you, now?"

Die nodded enthusiastically before leaning in and whispering in the blonde's ear, "I really used to enjoy kissing him. I want to again."

"Die... you're drunk."

"Maybe so, but I want to when I'm sober, too."

Kyo pushed Die back a bit since he was breathing the acrid stench of booze into his face. "Are you admitting to being bi or something?"

Die grinned cheekily at him. "Maybe!" He plopped back against the bench and licked his lips.

Kyo snorted and shook his head. "Yeah, well, I'll just watch you deny that when you're sober."

Die giggled again and turned to plop down on the bench on his back, pulling his legs up and putting his shoe-clad feet on the fabric of the seat. He narrowly avoided hitting Kyo with his head, but didn't even seem to notice as he stared at the other from his position. "You're cute upside down."

Kyo glared at him and hit him on the shoulder. "Hey, just 'cause you're drunk doesn't mean you get to call me cute, jackass."

Die grinned sweetly up at him and fluttered his eyelashes. "Sorrryyyy!" He dragged the word out, managing to sound incredibly girlish and rather like a teenager.

"Oh, shut up and go to sleep already." Kyo ruffled his hair and removed himself from the bench. He paused next to the bunks and pointed at the bathroom door. "And for the love of god, please remember where the toilet is when you decide to puke. I'm not cleaning up after you again!" Kyo walked away, giving Die a warning glance as he did so.

Die nodded and waved both hands at Kyo as he left. He kept waving even after Kyo was gone, just watching his hands in fascination. The sounds of the party outside began to fade and eventually Die’s hands fell limp and his eyes slid closed.

Chapter 2

August 18, 2006 - 5:23pm - Phoenix, Arizona

Die leaned over the toilet and proceeded to puke his insides out for the umpteenth time in the past few hours. He groaned softly as he clutched at his stomach and warily eyed the contents of the toilet bowl.

Something about all of this just seemed so incredibly wrong. He hadn't eaten since the day before and he'd been puking since they'd left Albuquerque. It was like his stomach had some kind of vendetta to settle against him. Even water would come right back up. Being on stage was a total bitch, since he couldn't drink anything and he was becoming more and more dehydrated as time passed. It was nothing short of amazing that he was even still functioning whatsoever.

Another wave of nausea washed over him and he felt tears well up in his eyes. It wasn't that he wanted to cry, his body just insisted on it as a way of trying to dull the pain. He let out a half-sob as his stomach rolled. He retched and ended up coughing as stomach acid burned his esophagus.

Something wasn't right. He'd had tons of hangovers in his life, but none of them had lasted days, nor had they involved this much time in the bathroom. What the hell was really going on?

A knock sounded on the door and he peeled himself off the floor and flushed the yellowish liquid away. He scrubbed his hands and rinsed his mouth out before wrenching open the door and walking out.

Kyo stood in there, looking warily up at him. "You look like death warmed over. What's up?"

Die shrugged. "Sick, I guess."

Kyo reached out and patted his arm as he headed into the restroom. "Feel better soon, then."

Die watched the door close and simply stood there for a minute, feeling like he was going to puke again. He swallowed hard against the feeling and headed off in the direction of the stage. They were up next and he couldn't let himself feel this horrible on stage. It was his job to not let anything except the music affect him there and he'd be damned if he was going to let something as pathetic as this get him down.

About fifteen minutes passed before their setup was ready and they headed out on stage. Die gathered his guitar up from one of the roadies and nodded his thanks as he turned to face the crowd. Shinya started and everyone else followed, immediately jumping into 'Mr. Newsman'.

Die closed his eyes and focused on the music rather than the horrible searing pain in his stomach. For the first three songs it worked just fine, but by halfway through the fourth, he felt like he was going to hurl no matter how much he fought it. He turned his back on the crowd praying that this could wait until they got off the stage. He stayed facing the amps, just in case, as he figured it wouldn't be cool for him to barf all over the stage like Kyo used to. It just wasn't something the fans expected from him.

The song ended and they took a short break. Everyone else began drinking water and he stood there, one hand on his amp, the other on his stomach. He swallowed the spit that seemed to flood his mouth every few seconds; a sure sign he was doomed to empty his stomach soon.

The world swam slightly before his eyes and his stomach finally revolted, pushing acid up into his throat. He grabbed his guitar, ripped it off, and shoved it at one of the roadies as he bolted off stage and found the nearest trashcan. He leaned over the trashcan just in time and stood there trembling as the incident repeated itself a few more times.

He let out a displeased sound as he pushed away from the trashcan and headed back out onstage, retrieving his guitar from the shocked-looking roadie. As he slid it back on, he glanced over at Kyo, finding him looking at him with concern written all over his face. He just shook his head slightly, trying to indicate that the vocalist shouldn't worry too much.

They launched into the next song and Die managed to face the crowd once more. They finished off the set list and exited the stage to a smattering of applause and cheering. Die immediately went to Kaoru, intent upon getting out of the meet and greet today. "Hey, Kao..."

Kaoru looked up, seemingly oblivious to Die's current state, and grinned at him. "What's up?"

"Um... I don't feel so hot. I don't think I should make the fans sick by going to the meet and greet today."

Kaoru eyed him suspiciously. "You're sick?"

Die sighed. "I've been throwing up since we left Albuquerque, dude. Didn't you see me run off stage back there?" He rubbed his temple. For being their leader, Kaoru was sometimes so fucking oblivious.

"Oh... I'll just have Shinya go out with me then. You think you have the flu or what?"

Die shrugged as he turned away. "I dunno..."

"Go rest." Somewhere under the hard reply, Die could feel that Kaoru really did want him to get better.

He nodded as he wandered off toward the bus to lie down. He felt incredibly exhausted and the thought of a nice nap sounded wonderful. He climbed the stairs of the bus and headed to the back where he fell into his bunk and was almost immediately asleep.

His dreams were fitful and caused a cold sweat to break out across his body. Die thrashed about in the bunk until his fist hit the wall with enough force to wake him up. The redhead rolled out of the bunk and sat up, rubbing his hand in pain. Snatches of the images from his dreams clung to the edges of reality, nagging at his consciousness.

It was only then that he realized he couldn't remember a thing after accepting a beer from one of the other bands. He sat up a little more and gave the bunks across from him a confused look. He'd woken up on the bench in the back of the bus when they'd started the engine preparing to leave Journal Pavilion in Albuquerque and ever since then he'd been visiting the bathroom at an alarming rate. He counted the beers he'd had that night and came up with four; the fourth being the one handed to him. Which really made no since, because he never got a hangover from such a small amount of alcohol. Four beers was nothing in comparison to what he'd usually end up drinking.

Slowly reality seemed to set in and his eyes widened. "Fuck!" He slammed his fist into the side of the bunks and stood up. His stomach rolled threateningly, but he ignored it, quickly leaving the bus.

He pushed past so many people, he lost count of them. Finally he found who he was looking for. He reached out and grabbed the brunette's arm, turning him and all but slamming him against the wall behind him. "You!"

The guitarist stared at him wide-eyed for a moment and then laughed. "Oh, it's you. What do you want, fag-boy?"

Die snarled at him and pushed him harder against the wall, both hands on his shoulders. "What the fuck did you do to me?"

"I dunno what you're talking about." The guy blinked lazily at him, a smirk finding its way onto his lips.

"The beer. What was wrong with it?" Die's anger rose as the taller man actually began to laugh in his face. He trembled with the effort of not doing something he'd regret.

"You Asians are such pansy-asses." His voice raised a few octaves and he waved his hands about in the air. "No, no, we don't do that kind of thing!" He laughed bitterly. "Well, you have now!"

Die gaped at him for approximately two seconds before he hauled off and punched the guy right in the face. The first hit collided with the man's nose and the blood-spray managed to splatter Die's shirt. Die glowered at him for a moment before punching him in the eye as well. "Fuck you!"

Die turned away, all but running back to the bus. By the time he got there, he was clutching at his upset stomach with one hand and his mouth with the other. He barely made it up the stairs and into the tiny washroom before he puked all over the floor. He groaned as he pushed himself to the toilet and flopped down in front of it.

'Why me? Fucking hell... I'm so screwed.'

He fumbled with the toilet paper for a minute and half-heartedly started sopping up the liquid he'd expelled all over the floor. It smelled rank and just cleaning it made him want to vomit again. He tossed the paper in the toilet and sighed as he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes.

'I wish I knew what it was that they gave me. At least then I'd have a chance to hide it from the others.' His hands clenched into fists in his lap and tears stung at his eyes. 'If they find out, it's all over; the band, my career... my life.'

He opened his eyes and reached for more paper. The world swam sickly before his eyes; his vision going in and out of focus as he flailed around trying to get a hold on the toilet paper roll. Everything went fuzzy and dark, a dull roaring met his ears and then he slumped forward as he blacked out.

Chapter 3: Tearing It Apar

August 18, 2006 - 9:19pm - Phoenix, Arizona

"Die?" Kyo queried as he climbed the steps of their tour bus. He hauled his tired form up the last step and began down the aisle toward the back. Pausing next to the door to the washroom, he glanced at the green display that told no one was presently occupying the toilet. He sighed as he peered into each bunk and came up empty.

Leaning against the wall beside the bunks, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Die's number. 'Last freaking try. Where the hell is he?' The phone rang once, twice, and only then did Kyo notice the strange buzzing coming from the bathroom.

He hung up and knocked on the door. "Die, are you in there?"

When he received no answer, he just pulled the door open and took a step inside. Immediately his nose filled with the noxious smell of vomit and his stomach rolled. His gaze fell on Die's slumped form and his eyes widened. "Oh fuck." The stepped in further, only to slip slightly on the mess in the floor. He steadied himself with one hand on the counter and stepped over the rest of it, kneeling before Die and lightly shaking him. He groaned when he received no response and immediately flipped his phone back open, dialing Kaoru's cell number, praying the other man wasn't wasted yet.

Kaoru answered on the fourth ring, his voice sounding irritated, but not slurred. "What do you want?"

"Kao... it's Die. He's in the bus bathroom, passed out. I don't want to move him without knowing if he's alright or not." He cursed himself under his breath, as his voice wavered far more than it should have. 'I shouldn't care so much....' An idle thought, passing.

"Hang on then... I'll be there soon."

Kyo reached out and pushed Die's hair back from his face, gently trailing his hand over the pale flesh of his cheek before pulling away and turning to clean up the mess the guitarist had made. He stuffed his phone back into his pocket and wet a few paper towels, beginning to scrub up the floor and then the toilet and sink. By the time Kaoru appeared at the door, Kyo had the bathroom cleaner than it had been since they started the tour and was washing his hands. He quickly dried his wet hands on his pants and moved back as much as he could for Kaoru to come in as well.

Kaoru knelt beside of Die and checked his pulse and then placed a hand on his forehead. "Odd..."

"What?"

"He's not running a fever, but he says he's been puking all over the place. If he's got a bug of some kind, he should be running a temp. But he's not." Kaoru stood up and turned to face the blonde.

"So you think it's not the flu or anything like that?" Kyo's voice quavered a bit as he asked the question, almost fearing the answer.

Kaoru shook his head. "I'm no professional. But from what I know, throwing up and running a temperature are usually synonymous."

Kyo gave him a perplexed look before moving to Die and hunching over, pulling the other up into his arms. "Fucking hell, he's heavier than he looks!"

Kaoru took one of Die's arms and draped it over his shoulders, helping to half-carry, half-drag the other out and onto the bench in the back of the bus, where they laid him down. Kaoru shook his head and sighed softly. "I've got to get back to Inoue. Can you stay with him for tonight and try to figure out what's going on?"

Kyo nodded absently as he fussed over getting Die a blanket, taking his shoes off, getting the silver trashcan from the front of the bus, and finally grabbing a few bottles of water. He sank down on the floor beside of the guitarist, immediately resting a hand on the other man's arm. As time dragged by, he began to idly trace patterns on the redhead's skin, not even really noticing he was doing it as he stared intently at Die's face, waiting on any sign that the other was waking up.

Almost an hour passed before Die moved slightly, groaning as he forced his eyes open. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn't come out. Only a dry sounding croak emitted from his worn throat. He winced and shifted a bit before his face went ashen and he desperately clawed at the bench, trying to get up. He managed to sit up just as Kyo shoved the trash bin in front of his face.

He retched violently, feeling as though his entire stomach was trying to escape out of his mouth. Nothing came out the first three times, but the fourth time he felt liquid come up his throat and spill from his lips. Tears ran hotly down his cheeks as he clutched the trashcan with one hand and the seat with the other.

By the time his body had decided that enough was enough, he was sobbing and clutching at Kyo's hand. The vocalist wrenched his hand free and got up to go to the bathroom, only to return with wet paper towels. He sat down on the bench beside the guitarist and gently began wiping up his face. Only then did his eyes finally fall on the trash bin. The once silver bottom was now stained an angry red.

Kyo let his hand fall away from Die and just sat there staring down at it. "Die...?"

"Hmm?"

"How long have you been puking up blood?"

"What?!" Die's head immediately snapped up from his contemplation of the floor to Kyo's face. "Blood?"

Kyo pointed at the trashcan with one shaky finger.

Die gasped softly and then hung his head, not wanting to look at Kyo lest he give something away. 'Shit... what the hell is wrong with me? Does this always happen with drugs? I don't understand...'

He didn't even realize he was shaking until Kyo's arms wound around him and pulled him close. "Hey... calm down. I'm sure there's got to be a good reason for this. Maybe you have an ulcer or something."

Die shook his head. "I was fine right before we left home. I... I'm not sick like that."

"How do you know? Maybe you've just been stressing out this tour or something."

"... Or something." His voice sounded far more bitter than it should have, but he couldn't really stop it.

Kyo's hand clasped Die's tightly. "What is it?"

Die hesitated for a moment. 'Should I? What if he views it as my fault? No... he would understand.' He swallowed against the disgusting taste in his mouth and took a deep breath. "Do you remember the other night... back in Albuquerque?"

Kyo nodded. "Of course."

"... I don't."

"Don't you usually claim to remember what you did when you're drunk?"

"I usually do... but this time, I don't." He stared down at his and Kyo's entwined hands.

'He looks so afraid....' Kyo gently squeezed Die's hand. "There's more... what is it?"

Die nodded. "Yeah... one of the other bands put something in my beer."

"What?!"

Die winced, immediately trying to pull his hand away, but Kyo held on tight.

"What exactly is 'something'?"

Die shrugged. "Drugs of some kind. They thought it was funny, I guess."

Kyo let out a growl worthy of his stage performances before letting go of Die's hand and yanking him back into his embrace. "Fuckers!" The English word came out just as harsh and bitter as it was meant to be, echoing off the walls of the bus. "Who was it?"

"The ones I'd been hanging out with the past few days."

Kyo briefly recalled looking for Die in the medical tent earlier, only to see the brunette Die had been hanging out with. The man had been sporting a black eye and quite the broken nose. "So you're the one who gave fucked that guy up?"

Die nodded, letting himself rest against the vocalist, suddenly feeling as if all his energy had been completely drained from his body.

Kyo rubbed soothing circles on his back as he spoke. "He was in the infirmary tent, bleeding all over the place, but wouldn't say who hit him. I'll bet he wasn't the only one in on this shit. Do you have any idea what it was they gave you?"

"No... I wish I did. Then maybe I wouldn't be so fucking screwed when Inoue does our drug tests next week."

Kyo tensed slightly beside him. "Oh shit..."

Die nodded grimly. "Yeah, that's about the sum of it."

"We don't have any choice; we have to tell him what happened. Otherwise he'll just assume you're lying if you tell him when he sees the results." He pulled back and pushed Die's hair out of his face. "Wait... you think the drug is causing all of this?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"Then we should tell him now. There are so many reasons you could be sick because of it and none of them are good. We have to get you a doctor who won't spill to the world about what's going on." He fished his cell phone back out of his pocket and dialed Kaoru's number.

The lead guitarist answered on the second ring. "Everything okay?"

"No, no it's not."

"Shit. What's wrong?"

"You're with Inoue, right?"

"Yes."

"You, Inoue, and Harry need to get over here right now." Kyo hung up without saying anything else, knowing it'd be easier to just answer the inevitable questions once rather than multiple times.

He sighed softly as he leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees as Die threw up into the trashcan once again. He shifted slightly and moved one hand to rub the guitarist's back. "We'll work this all out... I promise."

Chapter 4

Notes:

For prompt 026: Our Secret at y!weekly. Edited November 2008.

August 18, 2006 - 11:37pm - Phoenix, Arizona

Kaoru sat tensely beside Die, waiting on the vocalist or the rhythm guitarist to start speaking. Neither of them seemed willing to start the conversation and Inoue and Harry were beginning to look impatient. 'Oh, fuck this, then.' "What the hell's going on here, guys?"

Die winced and ducked his head, trying to hide behind his hair.

Kyo sighed softly and shook his head. "You're not going to like this."

Harry snorted. "So get on with it, then."

The blonde's head shot up and he glared at the tour manager. He gestured outside of the bus, to where the other bands were still partying. "Those assholes out there: they decided it would be fun to drug our guitarist."

Inoue made an odd sound in the back of his throat as Die leaned over and threw up more blood into the trashcan.

Kyo scooted closer to Die and began to rub his back once more. "He's been sick since we left Albuquerque. He's not running a temperature and now he's throwing up blood. Something's wrong. I think he needs to see a doctor, but we need someone to keep this quiet... obviously."

Die's hand tightened to the point it began to hurt Kyo's thigh and he gingerly took it in his own instead, squeezing it reassuringly.

Harry snorted again. "Yeah, right. You two make wonderful shit up. You probably fed him fake blood and think it's funny to do this so you can get out of responsibility for whatever drugs you took of your own accord! Just how stupid do you think we are?"

Inoue abruptly pushed away from the wall and stood between Harry and Kyo. "You may be the tour manager and part of the reason we're here, but I refuse to let you speak that way about my band. They've never done anything to warrant those accusations and, somehow, I doubt they'd go off and try to ruin their entire careers over some stupid experimentation. Take it back or get off the bus!"

Kaoru stared at Inoue, his mouth hanging open in shock. Even the shock of the news that Die had been drugged didn't compare to this in his eyes. Inoue willingly standing up for them in a situation where it really wasn't clear who was truly at fault; it had to be some kind of new record. The sound of Die vomiting again wrenched him from his stupor and firmly planted him back into reality.

Harry glared at Inoue and then turned and left the bus in a huff. "You fix this then!"

Inoue sighed and shook his head as he knelt down in front of Kyo and leveled his gaze on Die. "Okay... so what exactly happened?"

Die clutched at Kyo's hand even harder as he swallowed against the lump in his throat. "I... I was drinking with the rest of the bands the other night-"

"In Albuquerque?"

"Yes. And then one of the guys I'd been hanging around came up and told me I should hang out with them, so I went over to where the rest of his band was at. They gave me a beer. It was already open and not Heineken, but I never thought someone would do something like this to me." Die paused, holding his stomach and leaning over the trashcan. After a moment, the feeling passed and he leaned back against the seat and into Kyo's warm embrace. "After the beer, I remember feeling incredibly drunk. But it was only the fourth. I never get wasted off four beers. I recall thinking about coming back to the bus, but that's all I remember of the night. I woke up here the next morning and have been puking ever since then. I guess I passed out in the bathroom and when I threw up again after that, it was blood. Earlier I kind of... confronted one of the guys." Die ducked his head, knowing full well 'confronted' wasn't exactly the word for it. "He as much as admitted to having given me something in that beer."

Kyo tightened his hold on the guitarist as he started shaking slightly. "He was acting really weird when he came back on the bus that night. Tasting his shirt, waving his hands around, saying things he normally wouldn't ever say... stuff like that."

Inoue nodded. "Sounds like we've got one hell of a situation on our hands. Any idea what they gave you?"

Die shook his head. "Not a clue..." his words were but a whisper as he all but clung to Kyo.

"Alrighty then. I'll call a friend of mine who owes me a favor to get us a doctor that won't spill the news and ruin your career. Then this can just remain as our secret. Kaoru, can you please go hunt down Harry and try to calm his ass down?"

Kaoru nodded and slowly pushed himself off the seat, pausing to stare down at Die, a sad look on his face. His and Kyo's eyes met briefly before he looked away and headed out of the bus.

Kyo watched the other leave, feeling slightly guilty that he was holding Die the way he was. He'd known for years that Kaoru had feelings for the other guitarist and he knew, especially at times like this, it hurt the other to see them so close. It certainly didn't help that he had his own feelings to contend with and, unfortunately, they rivaled Kaoru's. He shoved the thoughts from his head as Inoue stood up and waved a hand at him.

"You go find those assholes and figure out what they gave him. Have them write it down."

Kyo hugged Die briefly before standing up and racing out of the bus. He focused solely on finding the guy that Die had beaten up. He figured he'd be the easiest one to find out of the lot, broken nose and all.

After about fifteen minutes, he finally found him. He paused, staring at the other man's profile from a few feet away. Anger began to bubble up inside of him, spilling over into his every thought and tingling through his veins. His fists clenched involuntarily and his insides quivered with barely contained rage. A snarl left his lips as he all but threw himself at the man. As Kyo's body slammed into Die's abuser, the other man stumbled backward and fell to the pavement, grunting loudly.

"Fucker!" Kyo all but lost it as he fell on top of the other, just ripping into him; punching, scratching, and kicking the other. For every hit, scratch, or kick he got in, he only seemed to gain more anger.

The other man tried to defend himself and even tried hitting Kyo in order to get him stop, but it was all wasted effort, for the vocalist didn't even feel what the other was doing to him. The whole thing stopped when Kyo was forcibly pulled off of the guy by two burly looking band members he recognized to be from Korn.

Kyo stood there between the two men, panting from exertion until he simply spat at the barely moving form of the one he'd attacked, spun around on his heel, and left. It didn't take long to find the other two culprits, as the instant they saw him turn around they started off running in opposite directions. Kyo simply chose one and ran after him, catching up fairly quickly and shoving the blonde against the closest wall. "What drug did you fuckers give Die?!"

"Yeah, like I'm going to tell you, you little shit!" The blonde shoved Kyo off of him and started to walk away.

Kyo grabbed his arm and kicked him hard in the lower back, causing the other to crumple to his knees. "Tell me or I'll fuck you up!" When the blonde didn't respond fast enough for Kyo's liking, he simply twisted his arm back, twisting until it became almost unbearably painful for the other.

The other man gasped and then choked out something Kyo couldn't understand. Kyo growled at the other and used his free hand to retrieve a notepad and pen from his pocket. He tossed the items down in front of the other. "Write it."

The guy quickly picked up the pen and scratched something out on the paper before tossing the pen down and beginning to struggle again.

Kyo kneed the other in the armpit before letting go and snatching up the paper and pen. "If you ever fuck with him again, I'll kill you." He shoved the paper into his pocket and marched back off toward the bus.

Chapter 5

August 19, 2006 - 7:07 pm - San Bernardino, CA

Kyo sat on the edge of the hotel room bed, intently watching the door to the bathroom into which Die and the doctor Inoue had found had disappeared. He fidgeted with his phone, flipping the lid open and closed, over and over. Normally, he wasn't one to do things out of nerves but, in this case, he was far too stressed not to. For one, he had no idea why the doctor had taken Die into the washroom. And for another, Die's condition still hadn't improved. If anything, he'd gotten worse, barely able to stay on stage the entire time.

Kaoru's fingers closed over Kyo's, stopping him from flicking the phone open again. "Stop it. That's not going to help him get better."

The vocalist winced and quickly moved his hand away, shoving the phone back into his pocket. 'Don't touch me!' "Sorry...."

Kaoru slipped outside to take a smoke break not long after, leaving Kyo to stew in his own thoughts. By the time the door to the bathroom opened and the doctor emerged with Die, Kyo's nerves were completely frayed. The redhead leaned heavily on the doctor, as though he was unable to walk on his own and Kyo immediately stood up, coming over to help Die to the bed.

Once the guitarist was situated comfortably on the bed, Kyo refocused his attention on the doctor. "How is he?" He spoke slowly, trying to enunciate as much as possible for the other man. It was at times like this when he cursed his English.

The doctor sat on the edge of Die's bed and motioned for Kyo to sit beside him. He began to speak in Japanese when the vocalist sat down.

"He was apparently allergic to what they gave him. It mixed badly with the beer they put it in and basically tore up his stomach. On top of that, he's been vomiting everything back up, so he's dehydrated and malnourished. I gave him a shot to make him feel a little better, though it might make him a little... out of it for a while. Someone needs to stay with him at all times for the next four days and I strongly suggest resting every minute he's not on stage." The man held out a small bottle to Kyo. "Have him take one of these, every six hours - after he stops vomiting - until they are gone. Inoue has my number if you should need it."

Kyo took the bottle and held it tightly in his grip. "Any side effects I need to know about?"

"He might start talking about things he normally wouldn't. Possible serious depression, to the point of attempting suicide, no matter what his normal personality is. Increased libido. Some patients find that stopping themselves from doing things they normally wouldn't is almost impossible. And then there's the possibility that nothing will happen at all, except that he'll feel better."

Kyo stared at the man in slight disbelief. "So the cure could be worse than the ailment?"

"Isn't it usually?" The doctor stood up, picked up his bag, and prepared to leave. He glanced at Die, who was sound asleep already. "Oh, and tell your friend there not to accept open drinks from strangers ever again."

Kyo nodded sadly as the other man departed the room. He moved from the bed and into a chair he dragged over next to Die and simply sat there, staring down at the other.

A while later, Kaoru came back in and sat on the bed behind Kyo. "So what's the verdict?"

Kyo held the pills over his shoulder. "He has to take these, every six hours after he stops throwing up. We have to be with him every minute for the next four days because he could attempt suicide. And basically he's shot up with something right now that'll make him a bit loopy. Oh, and he needs to rest every moment he's not on stage."

Kaoru took the pill bottle and examined it before setting it on the dresser. "So I guess we take shifts watching him then, yeah?"

The blonde nodded. "Yeah... I'll go first."

"Alright. Wake me up when you get tired."

Kyo could hear the other man settling in for bed behind him and he moved his chair closer to Die's bed so he could prop his feet up on it.

It wasn't long before he could hear Kaoru snoring just barely out of sync with Die's soft breathing. All he could do was stare at the rhythm guitarist, praying to any god that would listen that all of this would work out without any horrible disasters. Remembering what the doctor had said, he reached over and got the complimentary notepad from the table and quickly scribbled down a few things to pick up from the store in the morning before they left. He lowered the notepad to his lap and simply sat there, pen in hand, watching the love of his life as he slept.

To Be Continued...

*Gasp* Yes, revelation from our dear Kyo! Sorry this is so short, but I figured I at least needed to get something out on this again before you all lost interest. I'll try to be a bit faster on it now that I'm working on it again.

Chapter 6

August 20, 2006 - 5:27pm - Marysville, California

Kyo held out a single white pill and a fresh bottle of water to Die. "Since you haven't thrown up since this morning, I think it's time to take one of these."

Die eyed the large pill warily before taking it and popping it into his mouth. He grabbed the water bottle, opened it, and downed half of it in one go. The rest followed shortly. He still felt horrible, completely dehydrated and in reality unable to do much about it because he couldn't possibly go to the hospital and get an IV. Simply drinking water wasn't really the best method, but it was his only choice at this point. He released a small sigh as he sat the bottle on the nightstand and turned his dark gaze on the two other men in the room. "Why do both of you have to stay, again?"

Kaoru shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. Die was really starting to get on his nerves. "The side effects... we have to watch you."

"So there's not just one of you... why, exactly?" Genuine confusion laced the rhythm guitarist's voice.

"We have to sleep sometime, too, you know. We're going to take shifts watching you." Kyo's voice held an edge that usually couldn't be found coming from him. Maybe it was still nerves, or maybe it was the fact that Kaoru didn't seem to care as much as he should, given his supposed feelings. Either way, Kyo found himself on edge, replying to almost anything with somewhat snappy responses.

"Oh...." Die sounded both regretful and annoyed, but he didn't push anything, simply accepting that he wasn't going to be alone for a while. He stood up and stretched, turning and heading toward the bathroom. The door was inches from closing when Kyo's arm came through the gap, forcing him to stop or crush the vocalist's arm. "What?!" Okay... so now he sounded pissed. He groaned in frustration and yanked the door back open.

Kyo stared up at the redhead, slight embarrassment evident in his cheeks. "I, um... we have to be with you all the time."

Die rolled his eyes and turned away, heading toward the toilet and unzipping. "Fine, then you'll just love later when I end up having to take a shit!" He glowered down at the toilet as he took a piss, grumbling the entire time about privacy and how much bullshit this all was. Finally he zipped up, flushed, and stomped over to the sink to wash his hands.

Kyo stared at the floor the entire time, feeling like he was the bad person in all of this. It really wasn't fair to Die that he had to be watched every second, but there wasn't much he could do about it. For one, he certainly wasn't going to take the chance that letting the other use the restroom by himself would end up with him trying to kill himself. He rubbed his face tiredly as Die slipped past him and back out into the hotel room.

Die flopped down on the bed closest to the sliding glass door and turned on his side to glare out at the city. It was bad enough that they had had to stay in hotels for a few days now, essentially wasting a good chunk of their set budget, but the fact that it usually wasn't even for a full night was even worse. Their sleeping schedules were all fucked up and that alone was trying his nerves, and likely everyone else's as well.

Kyo seemed unusually on edge, taking anyone's head off for about any reason. Shinya and Toshiya were completely out of the loop and couldn't even understand why they kept stopping. Toshiya and Kaoru had ended up in a fight earlier in the middle of the parking lot. Kyo had broken it up, but that had only served to place him further on edge. Kaoru just seemed annoyed. Die knew deep down that annoyance was just Kaoru's way of dealing with things that stressed him out, but it still hurt that he was the source of it all.

He closed his eyes and attempted to let himself slide into sleep. After a few minutes, Kaoru's cell phone started ringing. Die's eyes snapped open and he turned to glare at the lead guitarist. "Shut that thing the fuck off or answer it already!"

Kaoru stood, phone in hand, staring at Die, an incredulous look plastered on his face. "Excuse me?"

"I said answer the fucking thing!" Die retrieved one of the pillows adorning his bed and shoved it over his head. "Some of us are trying to sleep, asshole."

Kaoru started toward Die's bed, anger burning bright in his eyes as he jammed his cell back in his pocket. "Why you-"

Kyo stepped into the guitarist's path and held up his hands. "Kao... please don't. I... I forgot to mention some of the side effects. It's my fault!" He stared wide-eyed at the leader, praying he'd listen to him and just drop it.

Kaoru still looked significantly pissed, but he stopped his advancement on Die. "And what other side effects are there exactly?"

Kyo motioned him out onto the small patio and slid the door closed, being sure to keep an eye on the rhythm guitarist through the glass. "Um... well, the doctor said he'd likely say things he normally wouldn't and that his impulse control would kind of be shot. So I guess we can say his internal filter is broken for now."

Kaoru blinked at him a few times and then pulled his cell phone back out of his pocket as it began to ring again. "Oh." He gestured at Kyo to go back inside as he answered with a curt, "What?"

The blonde slipped back inside as quietly as possible, sitting gently on the edge of Die's bed to wait on Kaoru to return inside.

When he did, he had an odd look on his face and completely avoided eye contact with the vocalist. "That was Toshiya. He wants me to go with him to some store across the street...."

Kyo smirked as he stared up at the other man. "The porn shop?"

Kaoru visibly swallowed and then nodded. "Yeah...."

Kyo waved a hand. "Then go already. I'll watch Die."

Die spoke up from under the pillow. "I don't need a fucking babysitter."

The vocalist snorted and stood up, ushering Kaoru to the door. "Go make our bassist happy and babysit him while he shops for porn."

Kaoru nodded and then slipped from the room, shutting the door as quietly as possible behind him.

For almost forty minutes Kyo sat on the second bed, pondering what on earth he should do. Finally he laid back and stared up at the ceiling, allowing his imagination to freely wander. Unbidden, images filled his mind, forcing themselves on him one after another.

Kaoru staring unhappily at him as he hugged Die in an attempt to comfort him.

Die crying as he vomited blood and clung to Kyo as though his life depended on it.

Die half naked and grinning at him after a live.

Kaoru glaring at him and ignoring him for the rest of a tour over a few words he let slip.

Kaoru moaning Die's name into the darkness of a hotel room, years prior, thinking Kyo was asleep and would never know what he did to himself while the vocalist slept.

Hints over the years, serving only to prove more and more every time that Kaoru was in love with Die.

Kyo's own feelings mounting and growing in strength over time; each day, every touch and look, only helping to add to what was already there.

Denial, fear, and then acceptance. Mostly acceptance that he'd never have what he wanted.

Die's confession of wanting to kiss Kaoru, just days before on the tour bus.

Kyo closed his eyes briefly as the pain of that confession dug at his heart. So the choice had been made by the only person who had the right to make it. It was always Kaoru, never him. So many things the other had taken from under him over the years, and now the only thing that would ever make him truly happy as well.

Kyo sighed as he rolled over and stared at Die's still form in the semi-darkness. He knew it was selfish of him to want something that wasn't his and never would be, but he couldn't change that. He'd already tried so many times to shove his feelings away and it had never worked.

Slowly a plan began to formulate itself inside his mind. Elaborate and fringing on immorality. They were in a hotel room. Hotel rooms had porn channels that can be paid for. Die's medication supposedly increased his libido. Kaoru would be back from being in a porn shop sometime relatively soon. If he were to come back and they were watching porn, Kyo knew that there was no way in hell he'd not join in. At that, if he could coax Die into actually touching himself, then he'd get a free show and he knew that'd mean Kaoru would end up staring, especially if Toshiya had included any kind of alcohol in their little outing. If Kaoru openly stared at Die, then Die would know he could follow up on his desire to kiss Kaoru. And then... well, then at least Die would be happy.

The vocalist bit his lip, drawing blood from the force of it. After a few minutes he sat up and grabbed the card from the nightstand that told how to order channels. He slowly followed the instructions, turning on the TV and flicking the volume down really low as he began to select the proper options. Finally he picked up the phone and called the number he was directed to, entering in his credit card number to pay for it and then hanging up and waiting.

Within seconds the TV flickered and a listing of videos appeared on the screen. He quickly selected a threesome one and pressed enter on the remote. It started and he watched for a few minutes before slowly turning up the volume and shifting so that he was resting against the headboard of the bed. His eyes glued to the screen, he almost forgot what his objective really was. It'd been so damn long since he'd been with anyone or even had any private time. He shifted, yanking harshly at the crotch of his pants in an attempt to give his stiffening length a little more room.

He flicked the volume up a few more notches just as the girl on screen deep-throated the brunette guy. A loud moan issued from the television and Kyo flicked a glance at Die's bed.

Die's hand was gripping the pillow harshly as he peered out from under it at the screen. His chest was rising and falling in a manner that told he was definitely not asleep.

The red-head on screen entered the girl with a sharp thrust and she screamed around the other man's cock. It continued like that until the brunette pulled away from the girl and came up behind the red-head. With almost no preparation, he shoved his dick into the other man's ass. The red-head grunted and continued to fuck the girl beneath him.

A soft moan came from Die's bed and Kyo immediately shifted his attention back to the rhythm guitarist. Die had shoved the pillow completely out of the way and was sitting up staring at the screen. One hand was tangled in the bed sheets with a death grip and the other was rubbing vigorously over his still-clothed groin.

Kyo couldn't help but keep staring at Die as he slid his own hands down and quickly unzipped and unbuttoned his jeans. He shoved his grey boxers out of the way, freeing his aching length from the confines of the material. His breath hitched in his throat as his fingers wrapped around his shaft and he slowly began to tug at it.

He shifted enough that he could watch Die from the corner of his eye and still look like he was staring at the television screen instead. It was a few minutes, but he finally heard the sound of Die's zipper as he yanked it down. Kyo's eyes were immediately on the guitarist, his fingers moving over his length in an almost impatient rhythm; fast and then slow and then fast once more. He licked his lips as Die slid the black material of his boxers out of the way, slowly revealing himself to Kyo's gaze. Vaguely the vocalist wondered if Die would be doing this if he knew he was being watched so attentively, but he quickly shoved the thought away.

Die slid one hand into his jeans and lifted his balls out so that he could fondle them with one hand as he began to jerk impatiently at his shaft with the other. A rough, broken moan left his lips as he stared intently at the television.

Kyo raised one leg so that his foot was flat on the bed and turned just a little more toward Die, his hand still almost desperately working himself. He could feel his orgasm building in the pit of his stomach and he groaned as he remembered his initial goal wasn't just to see Die getting himself off on the next bed. He stopped his movements and just held onto his cock as he flexed the muscles, causing it to twitch in his palm. His gaze shifted down to himself and he slid his thumb up to smear the shimmering droplet of pre-cum that had beaded at the slit of his dick around the head. Slowly he circled the head with his thumb, his hips pushing up as his breath left him in a low moan.

The springs of Die's bed creaked, causing Kyo to look over at him, worried that the guitarist had already finished and was going back to sleep. Instead he found deep brown eyes staring at him, full of an intensity he'd never expected to find there. The guitarist licked his lips as he boldly stared at Kyo's cock. "Free show?"

Kyo's cheeks flushed pink. "Uh... I paid for it."

"Not that... you." Die's voice held a sexuality that it hadn't in years.

Kyo shivered slightly before moving to give Die a better view. "You want a free show?"

"Fuck yes."

Kyo let the remote slip from his fingers and slowly stood up, pulling his shirt off and tossing it to the floor. He stood there, naked from the waist up, his cock standing stiffly out from his body, and all but stared the other man down. "Just how much of a show do you want, Daisuke?"

Die's fingers returned to his dick and he began stroking it languidly. "How much can I get?"

"Mmm, ask and you shall receive." Kyo slid one hand down his abdomen and over his weeping length, the fingers of his other hand harshly twisting his nipple.

"Lose the pants." Die's tongue darted out, briefly wetting his lips before it disappeared back into his mouth.

Kyo pushed both his jeans and boxers down, letting them pool around his feet on the floor. He knew he should be embarrassed or at the very least a little apprehensive, but he wasn't. This was Die. Even if he was a little out of it from the medication, this was still the man he wouldn't even think twice about entrusting with his life. What was there to fear? Nothing.

He slid back onto the bed, spreading his legs and showing Die everything he had to offer. He began to suck on the middle finger of his left hand, pretending it was Die's cock. He moaned and his cock twitched with need. His hips bucked upward as he continued to suck greedily on the digit. He knew it was lewd, but he couldn't help it. He'd wanted Die for so long and now he had the other's complete attention focused on him. His tongue coated the entire digit with saliva and he shifted around, getting his hand down between his legs so that he could press his finger into himself. As his finger slid in, Die groaned loudly, letting it be known that he was paying perfect attention.

"You like to fuck yourself, don't you?"

Kyo almost laughed at the other's boldness, but instead he shoved his finger in further, brushing over his prostate and making himself cry out. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard the door open, but he couldn't have cared less if the whole band and Inoue marched through that door right now. Hell, the whole damn fan base could come in and watch, just so long as Die's eyes never left him. Something hit the floor and someone gasped. He rolled his head to the side and blinked seductively at Kaoru. "Join us...."

Die was off the bed in seconds, tugging Kaoru back with him. He pushed the other onto the bed and ran a hand over the band-leader's crotch. "You're staring at my cock...."

Kaoru gasped, arching up into Die's touch. He allowed Die to continue touching him until he was as hard as he could get inside his pants. Abruptly, he shoved the other back and slid out from under him.

Die stared at him, his eyes wide and almost fearful.

Kyo sat up and opened his mouth, about to say something when Kaoru grabbed Die's pants and boxers and yanked them down around his knees. Die struggled for a moment and then stopped, seeming to realize he was going to get what he wanted. Kaoru forced Die's torso down against the bed as he pulled his own pants the rest of the way off and tossed them aside.

He pulled back and retrieved the bag he'd dropped from the floor, dumping the contents on the foot of Kyo's bed. His fingers found a bottle of lubricant and a condom and he quickly made his way back onto the bed behind Die. He ripped the condom open, rolling it onto himself. He popped open the lid of the lube and squeezed some onto himself, rubbing it over his entire length before discarding the bottle to the side and gripping Die's hips. He leaned over him, his breath tickling at the rhythm guitarist's ear. "All you have to do is say no and I stop."

Die shook his head. "Do it," he nearly panted out the request.

Kyo wanted so desperately to close his eyes, but he didn't... he couldn't. It was like something inside of him drove him to watch as the entire scene unfolded in front of him. His worst nightmare, come to reality; a reality of his own creation.

Kaoru thrust into Die, causing the red-head to scream at the pain of the intrusion. The lead guitarist didn't even give him time to adjust, just mercilessly beginning to pound into Die's body, his fingers gripping the other's hips hard enough to leave bruises.

Die held onto the sheets as though they were all that anchored him to the world, blinking tears of agony back. He felt himself go limp and he whimpered in frustration. His entire body was humming with the desire for sexual release and yet he wasn't even hard anymore. "Kao... ah! Kao, please!"

"Please what?" The leader pulled out all but an inch of himself and paused.

Die rubbed his face against the sheets and then mumbled, "Touch me...."

Kaoru resumed fucking him. After a minute, he reached around and gripped Die's flaccid length. He let out a sound close to a growl. "I thought you wanted me!"

"I do!" Die's voice held a note of desperation.

Kaoru let go of him and settled back, bringing Die with him. "Kyo, get over here."

The vocalist finally peeled his eyes off of them and slowly slid off the bed. Much to his own dismay, he was still hard. He clicked off the TV and tossed the remote on the table as he came to stand beside of their bed. "Yes?"

"Suck him off."

Kyo licked his lips and blushed, quickly looking away. He took a deep breath and then met Die's eyes. "Only if he wants it." His eyes asked the question and Die finally nodded his head.

"Please..." his reply was so quiet Kyo almost didn't catch it.

The blonde crawled onto the bed, settling himself down so that his cock rubbed against one of the discarded pillows and his head was level with Die's groin. He licked tentatively at the other and then took his entire length into his mouth, sucking and gently flicking it with his tongue. He could feel Die growing hard in his mouth and he felt a rush of pride in being able to bring him such pleasure. His cheeks flushed with renewed desire and he began to bob his head up and down on Die's cock.

Die moaned as need flooded his overwhelmed body. His eyes followed Kyo's every movement, the way the vocalist stared up at him as he sucked him off, and more than that, how Kyo was completely neglecting himself, focusing only on pleasuring Die. Kaoru began to move inside him again, but he forced his mind to focus only on what Kyo was doing to him and not on how he felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside.

Kaoru's lips found Die's neck and he began to suck harshly on the skin, marking the other as his own while his thrusts became more and more hurried. He released Die's skin and moaned loudly in the other's ear. "Fuck, you're so damn tight. I've wanted this for years... wanted you. Now you're mine!" His fingers found Die's hair and he yanked his head back. "Say it! Say you're mine!"

Die whimpered at the unexpected pain of having his hair pulled so roughly, but he managed to choke out the only word that mattered. "Yours."

Kaoru thrust into Die hard enough to force his hips forward, gagging Kyo on Die's length repeatedly. Finally he released with a low groan and slid out of the red-head.

Die wilted over Kyo, trying to keep himself from falling over, but in enough pain that he couldn't. Kyo braced him and rolled him over on the bed, straddling his legs and taking his cock into his mouth once more, moving with renewed vigor. He watched Die carefully, judging when he was getting close and then he redoubled his efforts, sliding both palms over Die's abdomen and then dragging his fingers back down. Die arched beneath him, his hips snapping up and his cock twitching in Kyo's mouth as he came.

Kyo swallowed everything Die gave him, knowing he'd never have the chance again and wanting to take all he could from this. Die let out a soft moan and then whispered, "Fuck... Kyo...."

Kyo's muscles clenched as he slid his lips from Die's cock and he cried out. His entire body shook as his orgasm crashed into him and his cum splashed out over the bed sheets. He hung his head, gasping for breath as a hot blush spread across his face. He'd never gotten off without touching himself before, but then he'd never been with someone he was actually in love with either. He knew he shouldn't be embarrassed, but it felt impossible not to be with two sets of eyes upon him, both of them surely having seen that he'd cum without any stimulation to himself whatsoever. Slowly he pulled back and slipped off the bed, then quickly retreated into the bathroom. He grabbed his jeans off the floor as he passed.

Kaoru finished dressing and just stared at Die for a moment. "So we're together now, then?"

Die studied him carefully and then nodded.

"Good." The lead guitarist stepped out onto the balcony for a smoke, leaving Die alone in the room, and in more agony than he'd ever been in, in his entire life. He slowly got up and headed for the bathroom where he knocked and whispered to Kyo that it was him.

Kyo opened the door and Die limped in, immediately heading for the tub. "I hurt so bad, Kyo...."

Kyo allowed his eyes to slide over Die's body, wincing at the small trails of blood that slid down his inner thighs. He quickly moved to help Die into the bath and began running warm water into it. He knelt down and stayed there, turning off the water when it got high enough and offering the guitarist a bar of soap. "Where's Kaoru?"

"Smoking..." Die took the soap and began to scrub at himself. Silence enveloped them as he finished washing and then he soaped up his hair. Kyo pulled the drain plug and pulled down the removable shower head, helping to rinse out the shampoo from Die's two-tone hair. Once they were done, he shut off the water and helped Die to his feet, giving him a towel to dry off with.

Die dried himself and then gave Kyo a pleading look and held out a hand.

Kyo smiled and helped the guitarist from the tub as he hissed at the pain the movements caused. Once outside the tub, he wrapped the towel around his waist and started toward the door.

"Wait..." Kyo placed a hand on the door and fixed his gaze on the floor between them. "I um..." he sighed as he ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. Every ounce of courage he'd gathered fled the instant he opened his mouth. Perhaps this was just how it was meant to be. "Listen, I hope you and Kaoru are happy together. That's kind of why I did what I did... to get you both to realize you like one another. But all the same, if you ever need anything, I'm always here for you. I always have been and that's not about to change." He gave Die a weak smile and moved his hand away from the door. "Oh, and sleep on the bed I was on, it's uh... cleaner."

Die laughed softly at the last comment as he left the restroom and headed toward the bed.

Kaoru squeezed past Kyo and into the bathroom. "You take first shift, okay?"

Kyo nodded. "Alright." He settled into one of the chairs in the corner of the room, holding his knees to his chest as he stared over at Die.

The guitarist met his eyes briefly and then looked away. "It hurts so much, Kyo."

Kyo pushed himself up from the chair and rummaged through his bag until he found the pain killers he used when he'd been too rough on himself on stage. He shook two out into his palm and grabbed a new bottle of water, taking both to Die and holding them out. "Here... just drink all the water too, okay?"

Die sat up and took the pills and water, giving the vocalist a grateful smile before tossing the pills down his throat and drinking greedily at the water. Once he was done, Kyo took the bottle and threw it in the trash.

"Tomorrow we'll try having you eat something, okay?"

Die nodded as he burrowed back under the covers and closed his eyes. "Okay...."

Kyo retreated to his chair once more and sat watching the other, not really even acknowledging Kaoru as he came back into the room and slid into bed. He did, however, smirk into the darkness when he heard Kaoru curse lowly and then grab some tissues from the night stand. It wasn't that he didn't like Kaoru, it was just that the other always got what Kyo wanted for himself. So when it came right down to it, the fact that Kaoru had to sleep with Kyo's cum on his sheets made him just a bit pleased with himself.

Kyo sat there, unable and unwilling to become tired. He just continued to stare at Die until it was nearly time for them to get up and leave. After all, he could always sleep on the bus. He blinked slowly as he shifted his position and let his mind wander for the remainder of the time. But even for all of that, his eyes never once left the red-headed guitarist.

Chapter 7

August 24, 2006 - 7:10 am - Bonner Springs, KS

Die shifted slightly in his chair, wincing uncomfortably as pain shot through his body. He swallowed the last bite of his food and picked up his glass of tea, draining it in an attempt to cover his reaction to moving. As he sat the glass down, he glanced across the table at Kyo.

The vocalist's eyes were on him, full of concern. It was becoming the usual these days. Whenever he'd look up, Kyo would be staring and inevitably it'd be worry written across his face.

Die sighed as he looked away, his fingers tracing idle patterns across the table top, pushing the condensation from the glass around. He leaned his head back as he shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes. "I'm going to have a smoke...."

He stood up, leaving the comment hanging in the air, completely open-ended. His movements were careful and he knew he looked odd as he walked away from the table and out the door, but he couldn't really change that fact. It hurt to walk any other way, and even like this it felt like each step brought fresh agony.

The door shut behind him and he leaned carefully against the side of the building before shoving one of his cigarettes between his lips and pulling out his lighter. He flicked it and the small flame danced to life, burning away at the tobacco. He inhaled deeply and snapped the lid closed on the Zippo before shoving it back into his pocket along with the package containing his last three cancer sticks.

His fingers trembled slightly as he pulled the cig from his mouth and exhaled. Truthfully, what he really needed was alcohol, not a cigarette. But it was far too early in the day for that.

Kaoru had spent the night with him, telling Kyo to go room with Shinya. If he really thought about it, Kyo hadn't looked all that pleased with the request, but he'd left all the same. Things had quickly gone from the three of them talking to Kaoru and him fucking.

His eyes slid shut as he remembered how everything had gone. Kaoru had kissed him, quickly ramping things up into a hurried frenzy of lust. All the while, he'd neglected giving Die anything, forcing him to touch him, to make him hard. And then things pretty much went the same way they had the first night... only Kyo wasn't there to make things more pleasurable for Die.

In reality, it'd been slightly horrifying. He'd almost felt like Kaoru was raping him, except the fact that he never once told him to stop. This time, he hadn't even bothered with any lube at all and then wouldn't let Die go and take a bath afterward. In fact, he was still grimy from the other's release and that fact alone was making him uncomfortable with being around anyone.

Kyo's voice penetrated his thoughts and his eyes snapped open. "Fuck... you scared me!"

Kyo smiled apologetically. "Sorry... I asked if you were okay."

"Mmmm... yeah, I'm fine." He cast a glance at the other, quickly looking away. "Why?"

Kyo leaned back against the wall of the building. "You're limping."

Die shrugged. "Yeah."

The blonde shook his head. "He did it again, didn't he?"

The guitarist's eyes fell on the sidewalk and he slowly slid one foot out to poke at a rock. "Yeah, but it's okay."

"How is that okay?!" Kyo's voice hissed out, angry, but low enough to not be overheard.

Die winced, really not liking the way this particular conversation was heading. "It just is. I've wanted him for years. Now I have him. So if he likes it rough, then I'll have to deal with that, that's all." He took one last drag of his cigarette and then tossed it into the barrel, letting it smolder there as he headed for the bus.

Kyo watched him go, worry grinding in his gut and anger gnawing at his mind. Why wouldn't Die understand that what Kaoru was doing wasn't just 'being rough', it was far more than that. In a way, it angered him that Die was just lying down and taking it like this. Die was supposed to be the forceful one, getting what he wanted from anything he invested himself in. And yet, there he was; the bottom in the relationship, completely lost in the dust and just allowing it.

He shoved away from the wall and followed the other to the bus, glaring at Kaoru as he passed him.

Kaoru arched an eyebrow at him and then smirked as he exhaled a cloud of smoke from his cigarette. "Sour that I won?"

Kyo flipped him off as he climbed the stairs of the bus. "Go fuck yourself." He flopped down on the bench and pulled his bag out from under the table, quickly retrieving his notebook and pen.

He didn't even look up as the others came onto the bus, scribbling hurriedly across page after page. His very soul poured out across the paper, unyielding to the fact that he'd rather not let it out. Lyrics he'd never use, phrases better left unsaid, and emotions he'd rather die than share. All the same, it poured freely from his fingertips, coating the pages in blood-red ink.

Hours later, he stopped only when he was told they were to go on in a few minutes and he'd best get his ass to the stage. It was Toshiya sent to come and get him, relaying the message from Kaoru, showing him just how much he'd likely pissed their leader off.

By the time they got to their second song on stage, he was lost in the torrential haze his own lyrics always caused him. This time, it only piled on top of the rest of his turmoil, forcing his fingers to rip across his skin in some desperate plea for it all to stop. Maybe if he dug harder it would all melt away and he'd be okay with what was going on again. Maybe if the microphone hurt more as he pounded it into his chest, it would force the anxiety from his soul. And maybe, just maybe, if his heart fell out on stage, someone would notice and be kind enough to pick it up and hand it back.

In vain, all of it. No one seemed to notice his pain was greater tonight, much less that anything was even remotely wrong with him. It was all just chalked up to being 'normal Kyo behavior', and that was that. His steps were heavy as he headed off stage and his soul even heavier.

When this all came crashing down, where was he going to be standing and just how much shrapnel would he be hit with? It would only be a matter of time before the end. How long was up for debate, but one day... one day everything was going to shatter, and he would be standing right in the way... right where he always was.

Chapter 8

Notes:

Edited November 2008. Grr, I tried so hard to put the tense back the way it should be. But it won't entirely cooperate because my brain saw nothing wrong with how it was in the first place. It really does have more of an emotional impact being written like this. I don't know... I hate that I can't seem to change it; it makes me feel like a failure as an author. Maybe I am. I'll just make sure to try to change the POV issues and hope that's enough.

August 26, 2006 - 9:52 pm - East Troy, WI

"Not tonight, Kaoru... please." Die's voice is pleading as it fills the small hotel room as he pushes at the other, trying to get him away. It had been a long day and really, all he wants to do was actually sleep for once.

The look on Kaoru's face speaks volumes, telling Die he chose the wrong night to try and get out of it. A soft whimper issues from Die and then nothing; so befitting of everything to do with the rhythm guitarist these days.

Die's fingers tighten their hold on the sheets and his eyes squeeze shut as he fights back the tears that threaten to spill down his pale cheeks. This time is far worse than all the rest. The other times all sit in a neat little row; tolerable and easily dismissed. But this time... this time is something else entirely.

Kaoru's fast, his length penetrating Die in one smooth movement. Die bites down hard enough on his own tongue to draw blood, stifling the sounds that want to burst forth. It's white-hot agony, spears of pain radiating from where the other has impaled him.

Tears leak from the corners of the red-head's eyes, wetting the white sheets beneath his bare form. He knows that this has gone far beyond what it ever should have been, and yet he's powerless to stop it - too far in love to realize the blinding implications and too afraid of the man above him to try to change things.

Kaoru's thrusts increase and Die feels like he'll fall through the bed at any minute, having been fucked straight through it. His body's on fire, his mind not far behind, and his heart lies in pieces on the floor beside him.

He should have known better than to say no. Should have stopped with that single word instead of trying to fight the other off. The simple truth is just that he wanted to be left alone for one damn night. Granted, most guys would be in love with the idea of screwing each night, several times on some, but not Die. Maybe a month ago, that would have been him, too. But not anymore. In fact, just the mention of sex brings up a bitter taste and an uneasy feeling in his gut.

Kaoru's near, he can tell. His pace is fast and his breathing is doing that funny hitching thing he does rather than letting himself moan.

Die braces himself, preparing for the sting of the other cumming inside him. When it comes, he just lays there, his face turned aside and his expression blank. If only it were so easy to slip into another world and live there each time. Maybe at least the other world would contain pleasure rather than pain.

Kaoru moves away and goes to clean up.

Die lies there, staring at the white wall beside of the bed and wishing he were somewhere else entirely. Maybe with Kyo, enjoying a good laugh over something meaningless. Or even listening to Shinya drone on about his new dog. Hell, even Toshiya's snoring would be better.

Once Kaoru comes back out, he crawls into the other bed and waves a hand at Die. "Go wash."

Die gets up and does as he's told, wanting to get rid of the evidence of the lead guitarist's crime anyway. There's still no expression on his face, no life in his eyes, and he notices it when he stares in the mirror.

Evidence that there is no hope in all of this. Evidence that he's not worth all that he ever thought he was.

He sighs and turns away, mechanically washing himself clean and then returning to the room and finding clothes. One look at the bed and he's disgusted. No way in hell he will sleep there tonight - too much blood. He turns and sits in the small chair in the corner of the room, drawing his knees up to his chest and hanging on for dear life. His kneecaps press into the skin of his cheek, but he hardly notices.

His mind vacant and restless at the same time, he closes his eyes and forces sleep to carry him away.

Chapter 9

Summary:

Bewbz asked for Kaoru pissing on Die a while back. Well... here it is. >_

September 12, 2006 - 11:57 pm - Cincinnati, OH

Die's eyes are closed tightly, trying desperately to block out everything that's become so familiar as of late. Really it's just too much for his mind to handle anymore. The knowledge that Kaoru won't leave him alone, even if he begs. The fact that no matter how much he tries to get something from each fuck, it'll never be anything but that. A fuck.

Kaoru doesn't love him. That much is all too obvious. He wants a sheath for his cock, in the form of Die.

When did someone so idolized fall so far? Is he like this with all of his lovers or just when he's here, leaning over the red-head, eating away at his soul? Maybe he's just a greedy lover. But all the maybes in the world can't make up for how things are turning out.

It's a harsh bitch-slap in the face, having to accept that the man you love isn't at all who you thought he was. Realizing that you're falling out of love with him and beginning to hate him as he labors over you, forcing his dirty cock in and out of your body, over and over.

Die yanks hard on the ropes binding him to the bed, focusing only on those and not on what's happening to the rest of his body. It's kind of sad, but really, he's grown to stand the pain, learned to ignore it. Such a short time span to learn something so horrible, but a necessity.

He tries again, this time rubbing angry red rashes on each wrist as he turns them desperately, yanking harder and harder, finding himself completely willing to break the one thing that makes his career what it is, in order to get free.

Again, he found the voice to say no. And this time, Kaoru not only wouldn't hear of it, but tied him to the bed when he decided to try to fight him off. At least he got one good punch in. He turns his head, staring up at the other man for a moment, eyeing the damage he's managed and smirking a little before going right back to attempting to free himself.

Kaoru's voice cuts through the silence and Die can tell he's more pissed off than usual... and slightly drunk. His words are slurred and his actions are more forceful than usual. Maybe today wasn't the best day to try to defy him.

The lead guitarist's hand connects with the side of Die's face and his voice rises in volume. Die still can't really make out what he's trying to say, but he stares up at him attentively, trying his best to look like he knows what's going on.

Kaoru shakes his head and leans back down, continuing to fuck him as hard as he can.

Die feels numb, oddly so. Perhaps this is what it feels like when one's soul detaches. The feeling continues throughout his body and he realizes it's just his body falling asleep, too many points of pressure hit at once. But what is it to him? Nothing, really. Just another addition to the world he lives in now. One more thing to get used to.

He turns his head to stare at his bonds again, irritated when he pulls on them and it's but a weak movement. Useless. How achingly pathetic.

Kaoru moans over him and then pulls out, milking himself dry over Die's abdomen and cock. The guitarist's fingers close over his length and Die finds his breath stuck in his throat. Good thing, too, or he might have actually whimpered like he wanted to.

He no longer wants Kaoru's touch like he used to. Now all he wants is to be used and then left alone. He knows it won't do the other any good to try to arouse him, because he's almost completely numb now. Even if he closed his eyes and pretended it was someone else touching him, it wouldn't help. It'd be even more useless than trying to escape the ropes holding him there.

Kaoru tries harder, moving his hand in what would have been the right way in the beginning, what might have even been the right way last night. But not tonight, not after being bound and forced. The touch, what little of it he can feel, just makes him sick to his stomach.

His cock seems to agree, refusing to respond to anything Kaoru does. Even when the other man's lips close around him, he can't bring himself to enjoy it. Silently, he begs the other to leave him alone, to stop this madness. Why give pleasure all of a sudden after taking so much and neglecting him the entire time? It makes no sense. But then the rest of this twisted little situation doesn't really make sense either.

Kaoru pulls away, Die's limp cock falling from his mouth and he starts to mumble incoherent words. All Die can pick out are the curse words - fucker, bastard, whore.

The other moves over him and he looks up at him, trying to apologize with his eyes. Praying that it'll end at this. Maybe Kaoru won't want him anymore after this.

But that's just a foolish hope and he knows it. Kaoru's fingers close around his throat as he leans in and kisses him harshly. When he pulls back, Die's gasping for air and scared to death of what will happen next. The gleam in the other's eye is enough to send chills down anyone's spine.

And then there's wet warmth spreading over his chest and abdomen. The acrid smell of urine fills the room and Die almost chokes on it. It vaguely registers that Kaoru's punishing him in some dementedly drunken way for defying him and not being aroused. It's humiliating, degrading... and disgusting.

Maybe for some, being pissed on might get them off, but to Die, it's worse than being strangled to death, worse than being fucked into the mattress each night against his wishes. What comes next? Since when has he become the toilet? Since now, since defying the one he shouldn't have.

He closes his eyes and tries hard not to breathe as Kaoru redirects his aim to Die's crotch, bathing him in the warmth of it. Die supposes it could be better than his cum, but at least there's always less of that. Where does all of this come from? What does the man's bladder hold, four gallons? Maybe so.

Finally it ends and Kaoru spits on him for good measure before getting off the bed and heading to the restroom, stumbling into the wall on the way.

Die lays there and waits, praying the other will untie him so he can at least wash. Maybe even pee, since now he has to go.

But no, Kaoru comes back out and falls into the other bed, ignoring him. When he finally finds the voice to ask if he can be untied, the other is already snoring. Pointless.

Die closes his eyes and tries to forget. Also pointless. Is life pointless?

Chapter 10

Notes:

Song: "A Day In The Life Of A Poolshark" by IDIOT PILOT

October 8, 2006 - 6:29 pm - Tokyo, Japan

Days fall into weeks, and weeks into months. Months may as well be years, because that's how it feels. And Die must be feeling it far more than Kyo, because he looks like shit these days.

Kyo's eyes follow the guitarist as he moves slowly around the room, cleaning up the practice room methodically. He never used to clean, leaving Kyo to do it all. But lately, he's been staying behind to help.

It's not that Kyo doesn't appreciate it, really it's more that he's worried about the reason behind why. After all, who wouldn't like free help cleaning up after a bunch of slobs? Shinya's gum wrapper, Toshiya's coffee cup lid, Kaoru's... condom. Kyo winces as he deposits the item into the trash bag, using one of his own nose tissues. Snot is far more appealing than Kaoru's secretions. Why the fuck is there a condom on the floor behind the couch anyway? And why does he automatically assume it's Kaoru's?

Well... that answer should at least be obvious. He almost laughs at himself for not realizing why he assumed what he did. Hard not to figure that's whose it is when he damn near walked in on Kaoru screwing Die's brains out on the couch.

He moves on, making a mental note not to sit on the couch anymore as he tosses the paper plates from lunch into the bag he's holding and then moves across the room to Die. He holds the bag out and shakes it. "Got anything for me?"

Die's eyes meet his and he looks confused for a moment before slowly moving his gaze to the trash bag. "Oh..." He nods slightly and turns back around, gathering a few things from his bag and the table beside him. His fingers brush Kyo's as he dumps the items into the bag.

Something silver flashes among the falling objects, catching Kyo's eye, but he doesn't say anything, just closes the bag and heads for the door. "I'll be right back. Want to go get the mop for me?"

"Sure." Die's voice is suspiciously quiet, like it has been all day. As though he thinks if he talks any louder, he'll give something away... and maybe he would.

Kyo has his suspicions on what's been going on between their leader and the rhythm guitarist. But he can't prove a damn thing. Die won't even discuss his relationship and asking Kaoru is one hundred percent out of the question.

The vocalist walks quietly down the hallway and out the back door of the studio. The door clangs shut and he places the bag on the ground, carefully opening it and rooting around for the bit of silver. When he finds it, he pulls it carefully from the bag, freeing it from the bits of garbage stuck to it.

It's a necklace. Specifically, one Kaoru gave each band member long ago. A small intricate D hangs from the end of it, shining brightly in the last rays of sunlight. Why would Die throw it away? On purpose? Maybe just an accident. Kyo stuffs the item in his pocket and tosses the rest of the garbage in the bin, turning and heading back inside, making sure the door is latched behind him.

He heads to the restroom and washes up, pulling out the pendant and rinsing it off as well. He dries both his hands and the necklace before placing it carefully in his other pocket. His hands shake in slight fear of what stories that simple action might foreshadow as he opens the restroom door.

His steps are quick, carrying him back to his band mate as fast as possible. He's not sure why he's in a hurry, but he is. It's like something urgent is in the air, clouding over the rest of his thoughts. Only Die matters right now. His fingers close over the doorknob and he pulls it open and steps inside.

Die's already mopping the floor and he looks up when Kyo enters. "Careful...." His voice sounds hollow.

Kyo steps over to the side and watches for a minute before speaking up. "I can do this, you know."

Die's brown eyes meet Kyo's and it occurs to the vocalist just how dead they look. "I know, but so can I." He goes back to mopping, his gaze dropping away, almost as though he's trying to hide something.

Kyo lets him finish and then helps move their equipment back to where it belongs. Once they're done and Die has his bag slung over his shoulder, preparing to leave, Kyo remembers the necklace buried in his pocket. He pulls it out and hurries after the guitarist, stopping him in front of the building and holding out his hand. "I think you dropped something."

Die holds out his hand and Kyo lets the chain drop into his palm. Die stares down at it and then shakes his head, holding it back out to Kyo. "You keep it."

Something's wrong. The air crackles with it, the trees sway harder than they should in such a soft breeze because of it. The sun is fading over it. Kyo's heart clenches as the pendant drops back into his hand and Die walks away. He watches his retreating back and it feels like he'll never see him again. Maybe he won't. But why?

Words bubble up into his throat and he lifts a hand in preparation to call out to the other. But Die slips down the alleyway and disappears from view. An eerie feeling of finality settles over the parking lot and Kyo just stands there as it starts to rain.

Something's wrong.

Chapter 11

October 9, 2006 - 3:23 am - Tokyo, Japan

Kyo snaps out of sleep, something pulling him harshly back into reality, straight from a full-out nightmare. Sweat beads on his body and he struggles to sit up, fighting with the covers until they're lying on the floor at the foot of the bed. He sits there in the darkness, panting softly as his heart rate slows down.

All he could see was Die, lying in a pool of his own blood, Kaoru standing over him, shaking his head. It's a painful image, perhaps even more painful than actual memories from his past. He feels ill, as though there's something bad in his stomach. But he didn't eat, so it can't be that: not nightmares from a midnight snack that didn't set well.

He turns and slides his feet to the floor, padding quietly into the bathroom to splash water on his face. As he dries his face, he looks in the mirror and his heart almost stops. He can see it, clear as day. Die's standing behind him, covered in blood, reaching out to him and talking. But he can't hear a thing.

He turns around and stares at the spot where he's just seen the other. It's empty, devoid of anything but his hamper. He sets the towel down and leaves the room, quickly going to the living room and finding his cell phone. He picks it up and flips open the lid.

Two missed calls. Both are from Die. One less than twenty minutes ago.

Panic rises in him and he hits redial, holding the phone to his ear, trying to ignore the rushing sound in his head. Dread settles in his stomach and he holds it in some attempt to calm it. The phone rings four times and then clicks on.

Static. Nothing but static.

Kyo takes a shaky breath and then speaks. "Die?"

The line goes dead and the flashing screen tells him someone's hung up on him. As he stares down at it, he swears he can see Die again, this time staring back at him from it. He closes his eyes and leans heavily against the wall. Minutes tick by and he slides down to sit on the floor.

The feeling from earlier is back and it scares the hell out of him. It feels like something's coming to a close and that it's all up to him to make it not be the last act. A lone savior in a sea of evil. But what can he do sitting alone on the cold floor of his apartment, still holding the phone open in his lap?

Time continues to pass and finally he's had enough. He texts Die's phone, praying this method will actually work, wondering how he didn't hear the phone ring earlier when he always hears it.

Did you call me earlier?

Brief hesitation and then he presses send. He doesn't have to wait long on a response, but it's not what he expects.

Fucker's not here. You mean he's not with you?

Kyo's heart skips in panic and he quickly mashes the buttons, intent upon finding out what's going on.

No, he's not here. I missed a call from him earlier tonight.... Kaoru?

Yeah, it's me. If you see him, send him back. He's not allowed to leave like this.

Kyo stares down at his phone in disbelief. Since when does Kaoru hold Die on a leash? Why does it feel he should be screaming at Kaoru? Die voluntarily entered into this relationship and he could voluntarily leave if he pleased. But he doesn't leave. That alone should mean something... right?

If I see him...

A vague response, not a commitment, but not enough to give Kaoru reason to be mad. He flips his phone closed and leans his head back against the wall.

Almost an hour passes and Kyo begins to drift back off to sleep, phone clutched tightly in his hands.

He's jerked awake by an urgent knock on his door. He's off the ground and on his feet in seconds, tossing his phone onto the table and yanking the door open without even checking who it is.

His landlord is standing there in a robe, looking disheveled and slightly panicked. "That friend of yours is downstairs. I don't think he can get up here by himself." He sounds scared, something Kyo's never heard in the man's voice before.

Kyo nods and quickly slips out of the door. "Can you watch the door for me?" He doesn't even wait on a response, just shoves out the door to the stairwell and sprints down the three floors to the lobby. He bursts into the lobby and stops dead in his tracks, his eyes wide and fearful as he takes in the scene.

The doorman is holding Die up. There's blood all over the guitarist, his face is a mess, bruises forming and cuts everywhere. He looks like he's been crawling on the ground and from the looks of how unsteady he is, maybe he has been.

Kyo rushes to them and slips his arms around Die, taking all of his weight on himself. He murmurs a thank you to the doorman, shooting him an apologetic look, but the man simply looks worried, not angry.

The vocalist becomes Die's crutch, taking him to the elevator and pushing the 'up' button. A thought clicks into place and he calls out to the doorman, gaining his attention. "Hey, Rae... don't let anyone else in for me, okay? If it's anything to them, I'm not here... and neither is he."

The doorman nods and the elevator slides open with a soft ding. Kyo pulls Die in with him and manages to push the button for his floor. The doors close and they ride up the three stories in silence. Die's breathing is heavy and labored, and he's shaking like a leaf in the wind.

Kyo exits the elevator and carefully maneuvers Die down the hallway to his door, where his landlord is still standing. He nods at the man and murmurs his thanks. As he pushes the door shut, the other man's voice drifts back to him.

"Kyo... if you need anything...."

He smiles, knowing the offer is genuine and clicks the lock into place, shifting Die to get a better grip and then half-carries the red-head down the hallway and into the bedroom where he helps the other to lie down.

Kyo leaves the room and comes back quickly with several washcloths, bandages, water, and some pain pills. He sets the water and pills down as he settles himself next to Die on the bed.

His touch is gentle, almost reverent as he moves over each abrasion, cleaning and bandaging when necessary.

Four cuts across his cheek, one of them roughly the size of the ring Kaoru always wears. Three bruises - each eye and one across the guitarist's jaw. Fingerprints around his neck, perfectly placed to choke the life from him.

Kyo's almost afraid to ask if the rest of his body looks the same, but he already knows the answer when Die's fingers wrap around his wrist and he presses his hand to his abdomen.

"Please..." The word is choked, strained. It sends chills through Kyo's body.

He carefully unbuttons the guitarist's shirt and pushes it off his shoulders.

Die's torso is adorned with similar abrasions, some of them looking more suspiciously like marks from a whip than anything else. Each angry welt has a bloody end to it, implying the specifics of the tools used to decorate the other in such a way. Kyo's stomach turns and he has to force his mind away from it to stop the bile rising in his throat. His fingers carefully wash and dress these wounds, the same as all the rest.

It surprises him when Die unbuttons his pants and feebly pushes at them. "More..."

He moves off the bed and helps him remove his jeans. He's not wearing underwear, much to Kyo's astonishment. Die always wears underwear. Or at least he always used to. He'd made a huge point of how uncomfortable it was to be without it on several occasions.

Kyo can't help but stare, the cuts across his thighs almost imply self-infliction, but the terrified look on Die's face says otherwise. Kyo's careful about his question, making sure not to scare a lie from the other. "Did you, or did someone else?" He gestures at the bloody red lines.

Die turns his head away and he trembles. Tears spill over and wet Kyo's pillow. "Kaoru...."

Kyo can't even think of anything to say. Everything that wants to come out is a curse word. He swallows them all and sets to work, bandaging the worst ones and washing all of them as carefully as he can. Die's not even wincing, not a sound escapes his mouth and Kyo wonders if he's as dead inside as his eyes have been implying.

He notices how tightly Die holds his legs together and he finally slips his hand between Die's thighs, gently spreading his legs, needing to know just how far the damage goes.

Die finally makes a sound, something close to the sound someone would make if you just told them their parents died.

Kyo's breath catches in his throat and he wants to cry and vomit at the same time.

There's broken glass everywhere, lodged deep in Die's skin, shining in the reflection of the hall light.

Kyo steps back and closes his eyes. "Die... I... the hospital. I really think-"

"No!" It's the most forceful Die's voice has been in months. It holds something that tells Kyo he'll fight every inch of the way if he so much as tries to make him go.

The vocalist shakes his head and leaves the room. When he comes back, he has rubbing alcohol, tweezers, and a small bowl. He kneels down on the bed, urging Die's legs further apart.

The guitarist whimpers as Kyo pulls the first piece of glass from him. Blood spills onto the sheets, running freely from the now open wound.

Kyo works faster, pulling piece after piece from the other's body, depositing them into the bowl at his side. Finally he's done and he pours the alcohol over the entire area, causing a rough scream to rip from Die's throat.

Hot tears slide down Kyo's face as he stares up at the other, hating that he's only adding to the pain. Hating himself for not stepping in and preventing this. Hating the fact that he didn't stop him from leaving this afternoon. It makes him sick that he could have stopped it all and yet he's the very reason why it started. He stands up and leaves the room, pale and shaking, his hand clamped over his mouth.

Die can hear him in the other room, emptying his stomach into the toilet. He can hear him sobbing and then he can hear the sound of the medicine cabinet opening and dread pulls at him, forcing him to speak. "Kyo!"

There's hesitation in the air, heavy and oppressive. But then Kyo's in the doorway, one hand behind his back. "Yes?"

Die raises a hand and holds it out to the other. "Don't..."

Kyo's eyes find the floor and he sighs as he moves over to the bed and holds out his hand. He lets go of what he's holding and metal flashes in the dim light, falling into Die's hand.

Die clasps his hand around it and then shakes his head. "It's not your fault. Don't you dare think that it is..." And it's the truth. Die doesn't believe any of what's happened has anything to do with Kyo at all. He flings the blade across the room and then pats the bed beside him. "Lay down... let's just rest."

Kyo slides onto the bed, dragging the covers up from the floor to cover both of them. He curls up beside Die and watches him carefully. "I'm so sorry...."

Die's hand finds his and he gives the vocalist a weak smile. "I know. But you're here for me and that's all that matters."

They're quiet for a while, Die drifting fairly obviously in and out of sleep. Kyo just watches him, holding his hand tightly to his chest and praying for everything to turn out alright.

He knows tomorrow will be the real fight. Tomorrow... Kaoru's chance is up. Kyo's sure of that much at least. He'll break that chance himself. A chain he created, easily broken with the truth. And he knows deep inside that if he has to break Kaoru's career in order to do it, he will. The world wouldn't ever believe he'd lie... and it wouldn't be a lie.

Anger boils inside him and he turns to shove his face into the pillow beside him, letting out a low growl.

Die tenses and then relaxes. "You're going to ruin him, aren't you?"

There isn't any hesitation this time, not at all. "If I have to, I will. And I'll fall right beside of him if it comes to it... with my hands around his neck."

Die squeezes Kyo's fingers tightly and turns his head to look at the vocalist. "Let him fall on his own, Kyo. I need you here."

Chapter 12

Notes:

Song: "Inner Cosmos" by Je*Reviens

October 9, 2006 - 1:19 pm - Tokyo, Japan

Kyo stood in the small entryway of Kaoru's apartment, his eyes almost burning holes into the guitarist. If looks could have killed, Kaoru would have been nothing but ash on the floor at the vocalist's feet.

The blonde shifted on his spot, his fists flexing at his sides and his jaw clenching in anger. Finally, he looked away and cleared his throat. "I expect you know exactly why I'm here...."

Kaoru shrugged. "Not really. Problems with how practice went the other night?"

Kyo's gaze snapped up to the other man's face. He really looked like he had no idea. "About Die."

The leader's head tilted a fraction. "Where is he? I called him and I have his phone. I'm not sure why he left it."

Kyo's jaw dropped as he stared at the other man incredulously. "You've got to be shitting me."

Kaoru shook his head. "Why would I be?"

"You fucking bastard!" Kyo launched himself at the other man, pinning him against the wall, knocking down a framed picture of the band in the process. It fell to the floor and the glass shattered on impact. Kyo didn't even flinch. "You know exactly what you did and why you have his damn phone! How dare you act like you don't have a clue!"

Kaoru struggled to get free, but Kyo shoved his knee against the brunette's crotch, effectively stilling his movements. "I don't know what you're talking about!" His voice was slightly higher pitched than normal, sounding on the verge of fear.

The vocalist pressed his knee in further and let out a low growl. "You really are a sick fucker. Do you see nothing wrong with what you've done? Is that it?!"

Kaoru swallowed hard and stared into Kyo's eyes. "What'd I do?" His words were soft, almost unable to be heard; a sharp contrast to a few seconds prior.

"You've raped him, beat him... you've been doing it for who knows how long and this time.... Well, this time, he came to me for help. He wants out and I'm getting him out. If you so much as touch him again, I'll ruin you. I'll ruin your career, your life, and everything else I can get a hold of. I'll beat you until you can't ever show your face again and I'll rip your fucking cock off if you so much as fantasize about Die ever again. Got it?"

Kaoru's eyes went wide and he began to tremble slightly. He raised his free hand to his face and covered his eyes with it. A soft sob left his mouth and he just went limp, falling to the floor at Kyo's feet, not even reacting as the vocalist's knee dragged harshly across his groin. "H-how bad was it?"

Kyo snorted. "You know exactly how bad it was. You did it!" He stepped back and shook his head. "You're a sorry excuse for a human being."

Kaoru just stayed where he was, his head buried in his hands and his frame shaking.

Kyo backed up to the door, grabbing Die's cell phone from the small table and then turned around and grasped the doorknob. He paused, the door half open, and let out a bitter laugh. "And to think, I used to think you were a great guy. I used to look up to you. But now... well, now I guess all I can do is look down when I walk so I make sure I'm stepping directly on you." He yanked the door the rest of the way open and exited, slamming it behind him.

A sense of finality came over him as he headed down the stairs and out of the building. With all he'd just torn apart in the span of five minutes, there was no way the band would still be whole by morning. Kaoru would snap out of whatever odd world he was in that was making him cry and he'd realize Kyo had defied him. He would probably call later tonight and say everything was through and somehow manage to make everyone else's life miserable before Kyo could even get one punch in on him.

Kyo headed directly for Die's apartment, intent upon getting him some necessities while he was out. After all, the clothing Die had been wearing was ruined and he needed some of his own items rather than substituting Kyo's until he was better.

He was just stepping through the door and into the lobby when his cell began to ring. He didn't even look at the display, simply answering.

"Hello?"

"Kyo... please don't hang up." Kaoru's voice issued from the phone, sounding stressed out and still upset.

Kyo remained quiet, walking over to the side and leaning against the wall to wait on the other to continue. Here it was, the world crashing down. He closed his eyes as he waited.

"I... I swear to you I won't ever touch Die again. I swear it on my life, my career, and anything else you want me to. Just... please, I need to know if he's okay."

Kyo's eyes snapped open and he pulled the phone away from his ear, staring at it like it had rabies and was trying to bite him. What the fuck?! Slowly, he placed the phone back to his ear and shook his head. "He... he's pretty messed up."

"H-how bad is it really?"

Kyo's anger returned full force and he squeezed the phone in an attempt to not let out all that he was feeling. "You should fucking know!" His voice hissed out, sounding rather menacing, even to his own ears.

"I... never mind then. I'll let the others know practice is cancelled for the next week." He still sounded upset, maybe even more so than he had when he first called. "Bye."

The phone went dead in Kyo's hand and he pulled it away from his ear, stabbing the end call button viciously as he shoved away from the wall and headed for the elevator. As he waited on it to arrive, he pondered the phone call, turning it over and over in his mind.

Something about how Kaoru was reacting just wasn't right. Why was he acting like he had no idea what he'd done to Die? It seemed like he was as shocked as Kyo himself had been. But how could that be true? Die wouldn't lie about who'd done that to him. And besides, Kyo had watched the other man be selfish that first night. His actions had been verging on violent, even then. But then, Kaoru just hadn't seemed to see a problem with it at the time and Kyo had then thought that perhaps he just liked it rough and tumble. But it'd gone far beyond that, Die's reactions had proven as much.

Kyo stepped into the elevator when the doors slid open and punched the key for the ninth floor. It was quick to arrive and didn't give him much time to continue to dwell on Kaoru's odd behavior. He slipped off the lift and hurried to Die's apartment, quickly unlocking the door and stepping inside.

Almost immediately he felt like throwing up. The smell alone was nauseating. It was like someone had created a garbage dump in the house somewhere and was letting the trash decompose there.

Kyo quickly crossed to the balcony and yanked the door open to let in fresh air. His eyes fell on a half-eaten plate of food on the table. Maggots had hatched and were crawling around on the remains of something brownish in color. He wrinkled his nose and shuddered slightly.

Just how long had Die not been here for it to get this bad? He'd always known the other man to be a bit of a neat freak, so this would have been completely intolerable for the red-head.

Kyo turned away and headed down the hallway to Die's bedroom. Something crunched under his foot and then made him slide a little. He steadied himself on the wall and fumbled for the light switch. He stared down at the mess on the bottom of his shoe and on the floor beneath him and almost gagged. A dead rodent clung half to his shoe and half to the floor, blood and entrails everywhere.

One wouldn't think he'd be grossed out by it, and he actually wasn't. It was just that it reminded him of how one of his own kangaroo rats had died years before. Buchi had escaped his cage and Kyo had accidentally stepped on him late one night.

Kyo was glad he'd foregone taking his shoes off at the door. At least this way it was on his shoe and not his sock. He swallowed hard and used the edge of the doorframe to wipe off the residue before continuing down the hallway and into Die's bedroom. He pulled open the closet and grabbed one of Die's duffle bags and started yanking some t-shirts and jeans down and stuffing them into it.

He migrated to the chest of drawers, wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible. His fingers slide over the front and he winced as he left a smudge behind in the layer of dust. Die was going to freak when he came back, that was for sure. He pulled open the drawer and retrieved some socks and underwear, careful to not tear any of the other's expensive silk boxers in the process.

The vocalist pulled Die's favorite cologne from the dresser, as well as his comb and dropped them into the bag before heading into the bathroom and dumping in the contents of his counter. Once he was done, he zipped up the bag and headed into Die's office. He picked up the other's guitar case and unplugged his cell phone charger from the wall, stuffing it into his pocket.

He turned around and headed back into the living room, pulling the sliding door shut and latching it. His steps were careful as he exited the apartment, not wanting another incident before he left.

He pulled the door shut behind him and locked it. As he waited on the elevator again, his thoughts drifted back to Kaoru. Such an odd reaction....

Chapter 13

Notes:

Song: "Making Love Out of Nothing at All" by Air Supply

October 14, 2006 - 8:57 pm - Tokyo, Japan

Five days have passed since Kyo confronted Kaoru. Three more remain until practice is back in session. Kyo sits across the table from Die, his thoughts still running over and over all that has occurred in the past few days.

Die had admitted that Kaoru had not allowed him to return home and that he'd been living out of the other's house, with very little of his own stuff. He refused to say how long it had been since he'd been home and Kyo was almost certain it'd been relatively close to when they had returned to Japan.

Kyo supposed what confused him most was Die's reactions to everything. It was like he wasn't actually mad at Kaoru for everything he'd done. It was something Kyo just couldn't understand. Why would anyone be okay with someone having treated them like that? Beating them, raping them... as if it were normal. Fucked up, those were the only words that had come to mind.

Kyo watches as Die pushes his dinner around in his plate, only occasionally taking a few bites. "Don't you like it?"

Die's eyes meet the vocalist's. "Yeah... I do. Sorry, I'm just thinking."

"About?"

"Kaoru... I wonder if he's okay. I'm worried about him."

Kyo stares at Die, honestly thinking the other has finally lost his mind. Why would he give a flying shit how Kaoru was? It makes no more sense than anything else Die has done lately... maybe even less than usual. "You shouldn't care about how he is. He certainly didn't give a fuck about you."

Die immediately puts down his chopsticks and glares across the table at Kyo. "You know I was in love with him!"

Kyo sighs as he places his own chopsticks on his plate and holds up his hands in surrender. "Fine... if you're so damn worried, I'll go talk to him then. But I'm not letting you anywhere near him for now... okay?"

Die nods and Kyo finishes his dinner as quickly as possible, leaving Die to do the dishes and clean up while he goes to check on the other guitarist.

Once he is standing in front of Kaoru's door, he realizes that, in a way, he too has been worried about the other. Why hasn't Kaoru bugged him about Die again? Why hasn't he called to say that he wants to leave the band? None of it makes any sense.

Kyo raises his hand and knocks loudly on the door, waiting somewhat patiently for a reply. When the door slides open, Kaoru is mostly hidden behind it and just gestures for Kyo to come in. The instant the other passes the threshold and the door shuts behind him, all he can smell is blood and sex. Both are very distinct smells and the place positively reeks of them. He wrinkles his nose as he pushes his shoes off and then turns to face Kaoru.

Kaoru stands there, leaning heavily against the wall, his face pale and covered in bruises. His torso is bare and covered in a variety of freshly bleeding wounds. When he pushes away from the wall, he lets out the softest sound of pain as he limps toward the living room, gesturing for Kyo to follow him.

Kyo remains a few paces behind the other, various thoughts clouding his mind. "What, you go and rape someone who could fight back?" Snide reaction, bitter tone.

Kaoru's back immediately tenses and then he sinks down on the couch, burying his face in his hands and beginning to sob violently.

Kyo stands over him, staring down at him in shock. What the hell kind of reaction is this?! Obviously not at all what he was expecting. From what little he makes out of Kaoru's words, the other is pleading for forgiveness, repeating that he's sorry over and over.

The blonde kneels down in front of the guitarist and tries to look at his face. Pointless, as Kaoru has firmly tucked himself into a ball. "Kao?" Worry floods Kyo's body and he reaches out a hand in an attempt to comfort the other; left over reactions from so many years as close friends.

Kaoru flinches and pulls away, a soft whimper escaping his mouth. "No... no Ki, please. No more!" By the time he is done with his sentence, his voice is high pitched and frantic. His entire body's shaking in fear.

"Kao... it's me, Kyo. Who's Ki?" Kyo can't tell if he should be upset or justified in the fact that Kaoru's nearly as upset as Die was. One part of him wants to leave Kaoru in whatever misery he's found himself in, but the other part of him says that he can't just leave years worth of friendship behind like that. Just because Kaoru's done some things wrong recently doesn't mean he's a horrible person overall. Maybe, just maybe, there's something wrong with him beyond the surface.

"Kisaki." The name is hissed out as though it causes Kaoru great grief to even say it.

Kyo's thoughts immediately return to the days back in La:Sadie's when Kisaki would scream at them all, throwing things around and at times actually hurting one of them in his fits of anger. Something slides into place and he realizes things were never the same between Kisaki and Kaoru as between the bassist and the rest of them. Kisaki was always overly tender or overly angry with the guitarist. Kyo's fingers grasp onto Kaoru's forearm and he pulls the other off the couch, yanking him into his arms. "Fuck... this is all his fault, isn't it?"

Kaoru clings to Kyo, his entire body shaking violently. He opens his mouth and words just start tumbling out at an alarming rate. "I've known him since I was sixteen. He taught me to want to be with men and showed me all that I know about sex. My parents... they didn't approve and kicked me out. Ki-san raised me until I was eighteen and I paid him back with favors. I know that's not right, but it was with him. I... Kyo... until the other night, no never really meant no. Everything I did with Die... that's how things are supposed to be... right?" Kaoru's eyes were bright with tears as he peered up at the vocalist. "Right?" Nothing but honesty and true curiosity reflects in the older man's eyes and Kyo can't help but feel almost sorry for him.

Kyo stares at him almost helplessly and then shakes his head. "No, Kao... no. What you did to Die was wrong in every sense of the word. Even that first night when I was in the room, it wasn't right. You just used him as a hole to fuck and then made me give him what pleasure he did get. I can only imagine that he didn't get off any of the other times... did he?"

The guitarist's eyes begin to water, the tears finally spilling over again. "I... no. It made me mad, Kyo! Why doesn't he want me like I want him? I wanted him to be aroused for me, to cum because I was in him. But he wouldn't!" He tries to pull away and Kyo holds him tighter in his grip.

"You weren't even trying to pleasure him! How can you expect pain to get him off?"

"I..." his gaze shifts to the floor, "I always came for Kisaki. He'd call me useless when I didn't or a whore if I did more than once. You cum once each time for your partner! I was Die's partner. Why wouldn't he?!"

Kyo's eyes are sad as he stares at the wall behind Kaoru's head. Fucking Kisaki.... "Kao, listen to me. That's not how it's supposed to be! You're supposed to help your partner to obtain orgasm. Giving them pain because you don't prep them right or because you fuck them with a goddamned bottle isn't how you make love!" Kyo's small frame is shaking with anger and he wants nothing more than to hurt the man in his arms, but he doesn't.

Kaoru's quiet for a long time and then begins to speak, very softly. "So what I did was abuse?"

"And rape."

"I... then Kisaki... he's been raping me since I first met him?"

"Sounds like it...."

"I only joined La:Sadie's for him, you know. He told me if I didn't that he'd make sure I had no career and no life. When we left... to form Dir en grey... he was so mad. He made it so hard for me those first few months, coming to my place every night to make sure I was in agony for the following day. He wouldn't let me clean up and he'd drop me off at practice every morning. He kept telling me that if I left you guys, things could go back to how they were. But even then, things were the same, so it made no difference."

He swallows hard, tears still pouring down his face. "The other night... when you almost beat me up over what I did to Die, I realized I wasn't doing what I should be. But I don't know anything else, Kyo... I wish I did, but I don't. All I've ever known is Kisaki and Die. I... I called him to come and teach me what I did wrong. I thought for sure I could solve things if he came over and taught me better."

Kyo's fingers slide over the other's cheek and he winces. "Was this part of his lessons?"

A solemn nod. "Yes... that and a lot more. He just left about an hour ago. I thought maybe it was him when I opened the door to you." He looks distant, like he's not quite with it. "I miss him..."

Kyo stares at him in disbelief. Kaoru knows the other was abusing him all these years and yet, he still misses him. This is so incredibly fucked up. Where's the way out of this whole mess? But... there is a way out. A little factor that Kisaki never tied up. A forgotten memory, pushed back into the recesses of the mind for just such an occasion. The futile hope that it would never have to be used. An escape route of the greatest magnitude.

And then Kyo's pulling Kaoru to his feet, mechanically packing his overnight bags and leading him from the apartment, a hooded sweatshirt pulled over his head. A flimsy disguise, but the best they have at such short notice. Kaoru following like it's what he's born to do. A leader who follows behind everyone else. Something's not quite right. A floating memory, a thought so achingly correct that it does nothing but reach out and slit one's throat. A sharp blade of reality, sticking blatantly out from a bleeding wound. Blood symbolizing truth as it flows in rivers down a naked, abused form. Like something from a sickening PV, but actual truth instead.

Chapter 14

October 14, 2006 - 11:29 pm - Tokyo, Japan

Die's asleep when we get home. He's in my bed, clinging to my sheets, his face buried in my pillow. He looks so innocent like this and it makes me just want to hold him. But I have Kaoru to attend to first. I can't leave him hanging when he's so fragile. Broken... yet not completely.

I run one hand through Die's red and black hair, gently pushing it back from his forehead and then leaning down and pressing a light kiss to his lips. Fleeting - a moment stolen from him without his knowledge. I don't even linger long enough to taste him, just long enough to know I've touched him.

I pull away and start to leave, but his hand catches my wrist and I gasp into the darkness. His voice is so soft, a gentle caress in the still air of the room. "Kyo..."

I close my eyes and tug at my hand, slipping it from his grasp. "Go back to sleep... Kaoru's here."

He sits up and all but pulls me onto the bed with him, clinging to me the instant I'm there. "No... why?" His voice shakes with fear and I can't help but feel horrible for doing what I've done.

"Die... he's not right in the head. Kisaki's fucked him up so bad. I have to help... who would I be if I didn't? Just as bad as he was to you, as Kisaki was to him. I can't leave an old friend suffering. He needs my help and I won't deny him that. But I also won't let him anywhere near you. I want you to stay in here tonight and I'll be in after I get him settled down. Okay?"

He nods, but still doesn't let go, if anything tightening his grip on me. "Don't let him hurt you..."

"I won't."

Die's switching positions so fast I almost think Kaoru's traumatized him into the same place Kisaki put him. One moment he's worried about the guitarist and the next he's warning me and is scared out of his mind. Something's not quite right. My new mantra. A pattern of words repeated a million and one times. It feels like a dream. Irrevocably surreal.

I stand up and Die lets me go, his hands falling to rest in his lap and then he lies back down. I watch him from the corner of my eye as I leave the room. He watches me go, fear written clearly over his beautiful face. I feel ashamed for bringing Kaoru here.

I find Kaoru sitting on the pillows in my living room, clutching one of them to his chest. I sit beside him and reach out, gently patting his leg. He flinches and then relaxes, his eyes following only my hand.

It isn't until then that I really realize just how fucked in the head Kaoru's been all these years. Subtle actions that should have spoken volumes to me over time. And yet, I was oblivious to every sign, assuming them to be quirks and nothing more. The resulting pain tugs at my heart, telling me what a failure I've been to him.

It takes only a second and then I see who he really is, beneath all of his barriers and the words he puts up to form a shield around him. Delicate, easily influenced, Kaoru. I move slowly to him and pull him into my arms. He holds onto me as though he's drowning.

I know what I have to do. The only job I can do here is to tell him all that I know, to show him the right path and pray he can take it. I'm not his therapist and I know he'd refuse to see one anyway. At least I can be his light in the dark.

"Kao... I just need you to listen, okay?"

He nods slightly against my shoulder and I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I have to shut everything off and launch myself headfirst into this.

"I know this will hurt you, but I don't see any other way. I have to tell you what everything is supposed to be like and you need to take it all to heart and use it. But before all of that, I have to put down some rules. I don't want you to so much as speak to Die unless I'm standing there. Don't touch him and don't even think about trying to get back with him. You've hurt him far beyond any limits that would let you have him back."

He nods, but I can feel his tears soaking into my t-shirt. At least there's still some evidence that he still has a heart.

"Now... everything you ever did with Die was wrong. Everything Kisaki ever did to you was wrong. Kisaki abused you and you, in turn, abused Die. You can't let that keep going and you can't ever see Kisaki again. I'll take care of him visiting you, so don't worry about that. I'd send you to a shrink, but I know you wouldn't go anyway. So this is the best I can do.

When you have sex, the goal isn't just for you to get off. You can't just think about yourself. You have to help the other person to feel an equal amount of pleasure. Lubricant is a must if you're having anal sex. I mean it... if you don't, you're hurting them forever. That damage doesn't heal... trust me." I'm letting out too much.

"You have to prepare them, proper stretching before just shoving yourself in. If you don't, it's nothing but agonizing pain for them. That much you should know... but then you said you enjoyed it that way. I guess some people are masochistic enough that they'd like it that way, but most people aren't. And even if they are, it should be something they ask you for and not something you try or do without that discussion ever occurring. Foreplay helps a lot too, not just jumping right into sex."

I'm silent for a moment, I know parts of what else he did to Die, but should I even go into them? I have to... no matter how sick it makes me to think of it. "Bottles shouldn't ever go anywhere near any body part during sex. I don't know quite what you were thinking there... but I know what I saw and how long it's going to take for Die to heal from that. You don't choke your lover unless they've asked for it... and even then, it's not safe if you do it the way you did. You could have killed him..." I let it hang in the air - the truth.

Kaoru lets out a soft sob and I pull him a little closer. I stay silent, not knowing what else to say.

"I... I humiliated him and tied him up."

Anger shoots through me and I hold him closer to try to still my shaking, to keep my hands from around his throat. At least he's admitting to it. Progress.... "That's not right either, Kao...."

"I know..." whispered words, sounding so pitiful.

My trust for Kaoru has been shattered and I'm honestly not sure I can repair it. Do I even want to try? I have to. If I'm going to be here to help him through this, I have to try to trust him again. Die... Die will never trust him again, and for that I cannot blame him.

We sit there in silence for the longest time, the minutes ticking by and neither of us taking heed of them as they go. After a while I can hear Die crying in his sleep in the other room. A nightmare again. I slowly let go of Kaoru and stand up. He watches me as I go down the hall and pause at the door to the guest room. I gesture at it. "You can sleep in here. And you know where the bathroom is... feel free to use what you need from there."

I slip into my bedroom and close the door behind me. After a moment's hesitation, I push the lock into place and then go and lie down beside Die. He's thrashed about in the covers long enough to have tied them up in knots. I straighten them out and place them over us. I slide my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder.

His breathing is steady and he doesn't even stir. I stare up at his tear-streaked face and my stomach tightens. Even like this he's beautiful. But his tears hurt me like he'd never believe. I reach up and wipe them away, my thumb gently moving over his pale skin. He leans into my touch, but I don't even think about it.

I hear the shower turn on in the other room and I bury my head against Die's neck. After a while, I realize I'm going to burst if I don't say how I feel. Maybe if I say it to the darkened room rather than him, I can at least put my feelings on hold.

My voice sounds so small and lacking in the darkness. "I wish I could tell you... I wish you already knew. But every moment I saw you with Kaoru was another moment I regretted even existing. I've loved you for years... but for me, love doesn't seem to be allowed. I'm set to love someone who doesn't love me in return... to love you. I-"

I gasp as Die's arms slide around me and his breathing changes dramatically. I almost want to pull away, but I don't.

"Then why did you encourage a relationship between me and Kaoru in the first place?"

"I wanted you to be happy. You told me, when you had that drug in your system, that you wanted to kiss Kaoru. So you'd made your choice... him, not me. I just did what I could to make you happy. That's all that mattered."

His soft sigh resonates in my ears and I can't help but feel that I've lost track of reality somewhere along this twisted path. "I was in love with Kaoru. But if you'd told me how you felt... if I'd known... I'd have been with you."

I shake my head. "It wouldn't have worked that way, you know that. You'd always have wondered what it would have been like with Kaoru and then held it against me that I never told you when I knew how he felt about you. I couldn't do that. I had to put myself last."

He's silent for so long I think maybe he's gone back to sleep, but then he puts in his final twenty yen worth. "Don't ever put yourself last again...."

Easier said than done...

Chapter 15

November 2, 2006 - 2:23 pm - Tokyo, Japan

Why am I even doing this? The thought keeps circulating in my mind. With every step I take that brings me closer to Kisaki, I find the thought following me closer and closer. Maybe it's warning me away from the man I grew to hate so many years ago. But then, maybe it's because I hate him even more now. Perhaps the warning inside this message is really for him, not me.

I laugh, the sound slipping from my lips into the cool night air as I tuck my hands into my pockets and speed up my pace. My job tonight isn't any usual type of job. Tonight... well, tonight, I get to be rather yakuza-like. The thought adds a little extra bounce to my step and a wicked grin to my face.

It's not long before I'm standing in front of Kisaki's doorstep, my hand hovering next to the wood. I draw back my fist and then rap several times in quick succession. Maybe a minute passes and he opens the door, a surprised look on his face as he greets me.

I act normal, friendly even, allowing him to usher me inside and even removing my shoes. I place the guest slippers on my feet and follow him into the guest area of his home, where he gestures for me to sit as he rushes off to get us tea.

When he returns and has poured me a cup of tea, I just sit there, my hands around the small cup and my eyes focused on his face. I study the lines age has placed there and it takes a lot for me to not sneer the fact at him. But I keep myself in check for that much at least.

I pretend to sip the tea, watching his reaction carefully. The small smile that appears on his face tells me I should be glad I'm pretending. I set the cup back on the table and sit up straighter as I clear my throat lightly. "I suspect you know why I'm here..."

He smirks at me and then shakes his head. "Enlighten me."

I snort. "Kaoru."

"Oh, that useless imbecile?"

He's always been so fucking arrogant. It grates on my nerves even more just because of the topic at hand. Maybe I should show him what it's like to- no, I'm not him. Fucker. "He's not useless, but that's hardly the point. I'm here because you've been abusing him for years."

He arches an eyebrow at me, but doesn't even make to defend himself.

"Haven't you?" It's not really a question, as I already know the answer. I just want to hear it from his mouth to give me one more reason to do what I'm doing.

His laughter fills the room. It's melodic and on any other occasion wouldn't send chills down my spine, but given what he's laughing about, I can't help the horrible feeling that floods me. "I wouldn't call it abuse. He never said stop. In fact, he called me to give him my special treatment just the other night."

"You're the most arrogant fuck-head I've ever known." I know insulting him isn't a good way to get my point across, but damn, it feels good. "You know, as well as I do, that what you've done over the years to him is abuse. I came here to say one thing to you. I want to make it perfectly clear that if you ever," I spit the word out like venom, "touch him again, I will make your life a living hell. I know things, things that will literally destroy you and your pathetic-ass career. Things you can't just wave your hand and cover up." I stand up, my eyes burning into his as I make my way around the table and stand over him. "You know... on second thought - stay the fuck away from all of us."

He doesn't even look worried; he only grins up at me and then laughs merrily.

"Fuck off, Kisaki." I turn around and walk to the front door, kicking off the guest slippers and shoving my feet back in my shoes. I have my hand on the doorknob when his voice stops me dead in my tracks.

"Oh... I will. Wait on it, Kyo-chan."

I shudder at the name, the one he used to taunt me with every miserable day I spent in a band with the man. It's all I can do to get the hell out of his house, as fast as possible.

Even when his home is blocks behind me, I can still feel his presence. It's like he's hanging over me, haunting me in revenge for threatening him.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't the brightest move in the world, but at least I can make good on the threat if need be.

Chapter 16

Notes:

I was almost in tears by the time I was done with this... fucking Kisaki muse.
For prompt 033: Tyrant for y!weekly. This is... well, it is what it is. Kyo POV

December 14, 2006 - 6:56 pm - Tokyo, Japan

It's almost seven on a Thursday night. Die's gone out with Toshiya to some fancy club. I just decided to stay home. I don't drink anyway, so going with them is relatively pointless. They made me agree to pick them up, no matter how late it is when they're done. I don't really mind, though. I'd do about anything for Die at this point.

A smile curves my lips and I plunk down on the soft pillows in the middle of my living room, just staring up at the ceiling and enjoying the quiet. The past few days have been some particularly special brand of hell. Christmas is closing in on us and both Die and Kaoru have been dragging me everywhere to get the gifts they need.

Really, though, things have been looking up. Die's almost okay around Kaoru now, not flinching every time the guitarist looks at him. And his nightmares seem to have stopped.

Kaoru's been... well, more like normal Kaoru and less like the tyrant from hell. He's stopped looking like a kicked puppy and he's even going to counseling sessions. I keep hearing that he's not being overly cooperative in talking about the past, but I can't really blame him for that. I know he'll never really be right, but at least he's making the effort to be a better person.

And me... well, I'm coping. There's not much more I can do. There's no way Die's ready for another relationship and I can't bring myself to want to be with anyone but him. Alone for the holidays. Well, at least he and Kaoru will be, too. Except they have family to go visit. I don't. They all let me slip from their minds long ago. To them, I'm nothing but that freak that went to sing for some crazy band. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. At least they're not around, telling me how to live my life and telling me that being who I am is wrong and indecent.

I roll over and hold onto one of my pillows, my hips resting on another comfortably. I bury my head in one and deliberate what to do with my alone time. A tingle starts low in my groin and I push my hips against the pillow a little, a pleased purr leaving my throat. It's been too long since I could indulge myself in this kind of pleasure. My hips thrust forward again and I start a steady grind against the pillow. Fuck.... I'm already achingly hard, my cock pressing urgently against the seam of my jeans.

I shift, letting go of the pillow I'm clutching and brace my forearms on the floor. I push my hips forward and then drag myself down across the pillow, pushing back up urgently. My cheeks flush with arousal and I realize just how much I've been in need of this. My heart's pounding in my chest and those delightful little shivers have already started to crawl along my skin. I let out a soft moan and increase the speed of my movements, the volume of my need dictating the movement of my hips.

My phone starts to vibrate in my pocket and I groan, stopping my movements to fish it out of my pocket. Fucking people, calling at the wrong damn times. It's Kaoru. He was supposed to go to another counseling appointment today. I drop my head and catch my breath, desperately trying to pull myself back down from the edge. Why me?

I punch the button to talk, just before it starts to go to voicemail and shakily answer. "What's up?"

"Kyo..." he sounds upset, really upset, "answer the phone when it rings again."

Then he's gone - the line dead. I'm staring at the phone, a confused look on my face as it blinks at me, telling me the call has ended. What the fuck is this all about? Only a few seconds pass and my phone starts to vibrate again. This time I don't recognize the number and it doesn't show me who it is, just that it's a local number.

I punch the button to answer and immediately I'm confronted with a screen asking me to approve a video conference. Still confused, I push yes and the screen turns on, along with speaker phone. I can't see much, as it's dark wherever the other person is. "Kao?"

An al too familiar laugh fills the room and immediately I can feel my arousal dissipating. Kisaki. I make a displeased sound and the screen lights up, the lights on his side turning on. My eyes widen as I stare down at the phone, the scene before me not at all what I'd expected.

Kaoru's trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, bondage ropes crossing his entire body. He's naked, and his mouth is filled with a ball gag. Kisaki is standing beside him, staring directly at me from the phone, a huge grin plastered on his face. I have the worst urge to reach out and kill him with my bare hands. If only I could invent a way to do that through a phone.

I glance around the area they're in and I recognize it to be Kaoru's bedroom. I know I look as pissed off as I feel, but I don't care. As I start to get up, Kisaki's voice finds its way out of the phone.

"Don't you dare move. If you move, I'll take it out on him. If you hang up, I don't guarantee he'll be alive when you get to him."

"Why the fuck are you doing this?" I'm furious. My entire body is shaking with anger.

"People don't threaten me, Kyo-chan... least of all you. Your little buddy here will pay for that."

As his comment sinks in and I begin to feel ill, he removes his clothing, neatly folding each piece and laying it on a chair next to him. He slides onto the bed and reaches out to stroke Kaoru's hair.

Kaoru flinches away from him and he whimpers loud enough I can hear it. The sound of a harsh slap echoes through the room and out of the speaker on my phone.

I think about hanging up while Kisaki's back is to the phone, but something tells me that he really means Kaoru will be dead if I do. Bile rises in my mouth at the prospect of having to sit here and watch as my friend and band mate is raped. I cover my mouth with one hand and a soft sob leaves me as I close my eyes.

Kisaki's voice cuts into my thoughts and I open my eyes as Kaoru lets out a muffled scream.

They've turned around and Kaoru's on his back on the mattress. Kisaki's hovering over him, now completely facing the phone. Kaoru's bleeding from a nasty looking gash under his left eye and he's crying.

Kisaki repeats himself as he strokes his already hard cock. "Don't close your eyes, Kyo-chan. Each time you do, he bleeds a little more."

I choke back everything I want to say. I want to scream at him to stop, to beg him to stop if that's what it takes. But I also know that he'll just make things worse if I do. That much is blatantly obvious to me.

He leans down and kisses Kaoru. If the circumstances weren't what they are, it would have been erotic. But as it is, it's a horrible sight. Kisaki pulls back from the kiss and laughs that fucking laugh of his. "This should be fun... no lube for the crybaby." Before I can even begin to protest, he's thrusting into Kaoru and Kaoru's screaming around the gag in his mouth.

I've never heard a worse sound in my life. It's like he's being burned alive. Even as Kisaki begins to move inside him, he's still screaming. His body goes rigid beneath Kisaki and he arches almost into a sitting position as his terrorized shrieking continues. Finally, his chest heaves as he takes in breath after breath and then the sound that forces my heart to clench resumes.

I let out a soft sound as tears burn in my eyes. He's being raped right in front of me and there's not a damn thing I can do. Kisaki's looking right at me, his eyes burning holes into me. I close my eyes for a moment, feeling like I'm going to vomit and trying desperately to choke it back down.

An even rougher scream rips from Kaoru and when I open my eyes again, Kisaki's smirking at me as he licks his knuckles. Another gash has joined the first on Kaoru's face and I almost don't catch myself in time, vomit rushing up into my mouth so fast I can't stop it. I lean away and grab the plastic trashcan from beside the table and retch into it a few times before I can lean back into view of the phone.

Kisaki looks pissed and he pulls out of Kaoru, moving to straddle his chest. He yanks he gag over Kaoru's head, the elastic snapping viciously. He pushes his cock into Kaoru's mouth and begins fucking him that way. Kaoru writhes under Kisaki, his face turning red and I know he's choking. I let out a sob, knowing this pain is all my fault.

All of it is my fault.

The thought hits me like a blow to the head and I break down in sobs, my hands clamped over my mouth to stifle the sounds trying to escape.

Kisaki finishes, cumming all over Kaoru's face and smearing it around with the tip of his cock as he groans loudly.

He tops the whole thing off by backhanding Kaoru so hard the other passes out and then crawls down Kaoru's body and takes his semi-hard length in his hand, pumping furiously until Kaoru releases all over himself.

Kisaki stands up and saunters over to the phone. He leans down and grins at me. "You can clean him up now, Kyo-chan. Stop fucking with me."

The call ends and I just sit there, staring down at the screen, a purely horrified look on my face. I've just watched Kaoru be raped by Kisaki and it's all my fault that it happened. If I hadn't been so cocky and gone to tell Kisaki to fuck off, then this wouldn't have happened.

Tears streak down my face as I slowly climb to my feet and mechanically go about cleaning up where I threw up and then going in the bathroom to wash up. Once I've rinsed my mouth out and washed my hands, I go back in the living room and get my phone from the floor, moving quicker than before, my shock giving way to anger.

I leave my apartment and make my way as fast as I can to Kaoru's. The taxi ride over is a pain and I can't sit still through the entire thing, shifting restlessly in my seat. I pay the man way more than necessary, just shoving bills at him as I vacate the car and rush into Kaoru's building and up the stairs to his floor.

My heart pounds in my chest as I try the doorknob, finding it unlocked. I enter quietly, pulling my knife from my pocket and flicking the blade out. I swear to God... if he's here, I'll kill him for this. Or I'll die trying.

 

I slip into Kaoru's bedroom and quickly survey the area. Kaoru's still passed out on the bed, the ropes still binding him. Kisaki's nowhere to be found, his clothing and phone gone from the room. I can only assume he's left. I curse loudly and throw the knife across the room, watching as it embeds itself in the far wall. It quivers for a moment and then is still. My mind envisions it being buried deep in Kisaki's chest and his blood blossoming from the wound.

A quiet sob startles me and I turn my head to see Kaoru staring up at me, tears flooding down his face. I cross the room and yank the knife from the wall, moving to his side and quickly cutting through the ropes binding his arms. Once they're free, I start with the other ropes, trying to find the main one to release him, but it seems like Kisaki didn't know what he was really doing with bondage ropes, because there is no main release rope in the jumble of knots and ropes.

Kaoru wipes at his face and then cleans his hand off on the sheets. Then his hand is over mine and he's pushing the blade off the ropes and onto his skin. "Please...." his plea is choked out, as though he doesn't have much voice left to use. He pushes my hand hard and the knife breaks skin. Blood pools around the wound and he drags my hand back, forcing the cut deeper and longer.

My breath sticks in my throat and I want to cry, but I can't seem to let it out. It's like I'm on hold and he's doing all the action for both of us. He pulls our hands up and then places the blade back in a different spot and he lets go of my hand. "Do it... make it go away."

I pull the knife away and he whimpers pitifully.

"You do it, make it hurt less for me, Kyo."

I ache inside because of that and I shake my head, closing the blade and shoving it back in my pocket. "It's all an act on stage, Kao... it's not for real."

He stares up at me and then shakes his head slightly. "Liar." He closes his eyes and when he opens them again, they look empty. He looks like Die did the night he came to me for help. Something tugs violently deep inside me and I realize in a way: I wished this on Kaoru.

All my fault.

I stand up and pull Kaoru with me, taking him to the shower and forcing him in. "Clean up. I'll pack your stuff. You're staying with me again."

He washes longer than necessary as I pack his bags for him. When I come back in, he's scrubbing so violently at himself that the water's running pink. I pull the cloth from his hands and rinse him one last time, before ushering him out of the shower and wrapping him in a towel. He just stands there, staring at a spot somewhere behind me.

I help him dry off and get him into clothing. I leave the room and pick up his bags, expecting him to follow me. But he doesn't. When I go back, he's just standing there, in the same spot, staring vacantly at the wall.

I take his hand and pull him along with me. He follows, like a kid, dragging his feet and not really paying attention. I have to put his shoes on. At least he lifts his feet for me, but that's all he makes a move to do.

As we start to leave, he glances over at the corner and points. "Maya and Ryu..."

I follow the direction of his finger and see a small cage sitting on his coffee table. I place his bags on the floor and go to the cage, kneeling down to peer into it. A small white hamster is huddled in one corner, but the entire other half of the cage is smeared in blood. Confused, I open the cage and peer in the top. I retch at the sight and let out a soft whimper. There's a small brown ball of fluff lying in the corner, blood smeared across it. I reach in and poke at it. When it doesn't respond, I turn it over.

There's an incision running the length of the small body and intestines are spilling out onto the woodchips beneath it. Tears form in my eyes and I blink them back as I push the carcass away, reaching out to the other hamster. It squishes itself back into the corner and starts shaking. I slip my fingers under it and lift it out. It curls into a ball in my palm and I shake my head as I hold it close.

I stand up and slip the critter into my jacket pocket. It just curls up there and stays put. I pick up the container holding the other one and keep it from Kaoru's view as I head into the kitchen. I know what I have to do and it pains me. But if I show Kaoru this in his current state, he'll lose it. I pull the dead hamster from the cage and make absolutely certain it's dead. It's not breathing and I can see its little heart, unmoving, poking out from the shattered bones of its chest. Tears fall from my eyes as I push it into the disposal in the sink and turn on the water. As I flip the switch and the sickening sound of its bones crunching fills the air, I let out a sob.

I flip off the switch as soon as I'm sure it's completely gone and I pour the contents of the cage into the garbage, quickly rinsing the cage and tossing it in after the other stuff. I wash my hands thoroughly and dry them before finding a large Tupperware container in Kaoru's shelf. I pull out my pocket knife and make several large holes in the lid for ventilation before pulling the remaining hamster out of my pocket and placing it in its new home.

I can only assume Kisaki killed the other one and that alone terrifies me. Maybe that was his way of saying he really could have killed Kaoru if I'd hung up. Tears still course down my face as I carry the box back out to where Kaoru's standing and hold it out to him.

He peers in the box and then looks back up at me. "Where's Ryu?"

I just shake my head and pick up his bags from the floor. I take his arm and we leave without another word, me pulling his door closed and making sure it's locked. He doesn't protest, seeming to accept the fact that he's only got one hamster now.

Sadness floods me and I swipe impatiently at the tears that won't stop coming. We pause in front of the elevator and he just stands there staring at the shiny metal doors, his eyes dull and lifeless.

This is all my fault.

Chapter 17

December 21, 2006 - 9:14 pm - Tokyo, Japan

It's been a week since I had to go and get Kaoru from the hell I wished upon him. I know maybe I shouldn't blame myself, but really it is my fault. After all, I wanted him to know what it felt like to do what he did to Die... and I threatened Kisaki like an idiot.

But then there's the flickering light at the end of the tunnel. Kaoru's with me now, living in my house. We emptied his apartment and packed all his stuff away. Kisaki doesn't know where I live anymore, since I moved right after we left La:Sadie's and have moved four more times since then. Plus I've got the security of having taken out a restraining order on Kisaki for all of the band. Along with that comes the fact that if he shows up anywhere near us, any one of us can call the cops and they'll be here in minutes... that and I'm allowed to kick his ass.

I step out of the shower and dry off, quickly pulling on my clothing and vacating the steamy room. Kaoru and Die are sitting in my living room. Kaoru's just sitting there, staring vacantly at the television. It isn't even on.

Die's watching him from the other side of the room, a worried look on his face. I told him what happened; not in graphic detail, but enough that he understands why Kao's the way he is. As bothered as he is by it, he still won't get any closer to Kaoru than across a room. Even when we eat, Die has to be on the other side of the room. It's sad, really.

I stand there, feeling torn between the two. I want so badly to sit with Die, but Kaoru seems to need me more right now. I sigh as I push my hands in my pockets and just stand there. After a while, Die looks up and gives me a weak smile. His eyes flicker back to Kaoru and I get his point.

I move to Kaoru's side and sit on the floor beside him. He doesn't even seem to notice me until I put my hand on his arm. He lashes out and I catch his fist before it collides with my face. This has become normal to me. Maybe that's the really sad part of it all.

I hold his hand until he looks me in the eye and then I let go and he blinks at me, seeming surprised. Kisaki's really fucked with his head good this time. And fucked it too. Unwanted thoughts. I flinch inwardly as I gently stroke Kaoru's arm. "We're going to have to work on that, Kao... it won't go over too well with the public."

He shrugs a little and resumes staring at the blank television screen. I feel taken aback. How can he not care? But then the answer seems obvious. He's lost in his own mind, right smack inside of what Kisaki built for him there. I glance at Die and the answer to all of this suddenly seems easier.

I motion for Die to come over and he stares at me wide-eyed. I hold out my hand and he glances at it before shaking his head. I curl my fingers slightly, as if trying to draw him closer. "Come on... please."

He slowly pulls himself up from the floor and walks over to me. He's trembling, but he's still come this far for me. For me. I smile up at him and hold up my hand. He takes it and I tug him to sit between my outstretched legs. He leans back against me a little and I run a soothing hand over his back.

My arm snakes around Kaoru's waist and I pull him to my side, forcing him to lean on me. He doesn't really respond until Die hesitantly places a hand on his forearm. He turns his head and stares down at where Die's hand rests on him, his expression confused.

After a few minutes, the tension seems to drain from Kaoru's body and he melts into my side. I refocus on Die and rest my chin on his shoulder. He leans his head on top of mine and moves a little to get more comfortable.

I let them both stay like that for almost an hour. But then I know it's well past time I say something. "Stay with me for Christmas."

Die immediately murmurs his consent and it makes me smile.

Kaoru takes a minute to respond and his response breaks my heart. "It's not until next month... why are you worried about it now?" He sounds so sincere and I realize he's just taking out all the bad parts in his mind and locking them away. That's what his vacant stare has been about all this time. He's being himself and methodically locking the bad away.

It makes me want to cry and it isn't long before I can feel Die trembling in my arms. I know he's lost his grip on his emotions and beat me to the crying part. He surprises me, being the first to speak up. "Don't do this, Kao... please don't. It'll only come back to hurt you later. Just move past it, not behind it. Christmas is in four days... four fucking days! Now get your ass back here with us in the present!"

I actually sit up straight, blinking at the back of Die's head in confusion. I start to protest how he's basically just yelled at Kaoru, but then Kaoru nods against my arm and I can feel the wetness of his tears seeping into my shirt.

"I... okay." The words are choked, but I know he means it. Die's always been the one to know how to deal with Kaoru when he gets angsty or in one of his stubborn-ass moods. I let it drop and just wait on whatever's going to unfold.

Kaoru finally nods again. "I'll stay too then."

It warms my heart and I hold them both close again for a moment before standing up and stretching. "Do you two think you can get along while I go out for a bit? I have something I have to take care of."

They both nod, though they immediately move away from one another, Die quickly getting up to go get a drink and Kaoru heading for the balcony, pulling his cigarettes out as he goes. I go after Die and lean on the counter next to where he's pouring some juice from a carton. "Hey... if you need to, just go sit in the bedroom with the door locked, okay? I really have to take care of this or I wouldn't go."

He nods. "I know. It's fine." He heads out of the kitchen with his glass, leaving the carton on the counter.

I put it away and slip out of the apartment, locking the door behind me and pulling my cell phone out as I take the stairs as fast as I can. Once I'm outside, I dial the most important number I have.

"Hi, this is Tooru Niimura and I have a serious allegation to make."

Chapter 18

December 25, 2006 - 5:39 pm - Tokyo, Japan

It's been hard. One wouldn't think four days could be so long and agonizing. But it really can be.

I push my hands into my pockets and trudge down the hallway to check my mailbox for the first time since I completed my dirty little deed. When I get there, I pull my keys out and unlock the box. The door swings open from the force of everything inside and most of it ends up at my feet. I stare at it, pushing it around with my shoe. Fucking stuff.

I pull the rest from the box and slam it shut, pulling my key out and putting the leather keychain between my lips as I bend over and retrieve the rest. I make my way back up to my apartment, the precarious bundle in my arms. I kick the door, not having enough hands to open it myself, and Die pulls it open, immediately taking a good chunk of the stuff from me and heading toward the kitchen.

He dumps it unceremoniously on the table and I smirk, adding my load to the pile. "You could check it a little more often you know."

"Yeah, yeah, talk to me when you check yours, lazy-ass." My eyes flick up to his and he shrugs.

"Good point."

I look back down at the stuff and begin to sort it out, dumping a good half of it directly into the trash bin. Bills go in a neat little stack and stuff I'm not sure what it is gets put aside to be gone through. At the bottom of the mess, I find a large manila envelope. Just what I have been waiting for.

I rip it open and pull out the magazine inside, holding it carefully. It hasn't even been released yet. I had to pay a pretty good sum to get it early. It comes out next week.

Kisaki stares up at me from the cover of the news magazine and Die peers down at it. "Why are you getting shit with that bastard on it?"

I snort and hold it out to him. "Look at the headline."

He reads it and his eyes widen. "Indicted?! Are you kidding me?"

I shake my head and take it back. "Nope. He's been evading taxes all these years and I finally pulled the damn rug out from under him on it."

"What?!" Die's voice is high-pitched enough that I actually cringe at it.

"You heard me. Keep it down. This is Kao's gift." I push it back into the envelope and glare at Die.

He looks worried. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"He'll be fine. I've made sure we'll all be fine."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just can be!" I snap at him and I don't mean to, but really he's trying my patience. I'm already scared to death of what I've done, of who I've paid what to make sure things come out right. But that's beside the point. I hang my head. "Sorry... I shouldn't be yelling at you. I'm just under a lot of pressure right now. I..." I sigh and run a hand through my hair, "I'm sorry."

I brush past him and make my way out of the kitchen. I can hear him cleaning up the mess on the table and I know the bills will magically appear on my desk and everything else will be sorted out for me by the time I'm done wrapping Kaoru's gift.

Maybe it isn't the best idea, but it's the only gift I could think of. I did what I had to do and turned that bastard of a bassist in for the shit he'd done over the years. I even gave my statement against him. And then I did what I vowed so long ago I'd never do. I used a debt that's been owed to me since I was seventeen. I hit up my friends in the bad part of town and they're all watching out for our asses. The entire band is covered. Our families too... those of us that have ones that care. I still can't quite believe I took my thug-ass cousin and his gang up on his offer from way back then.

I plop down on the bed and pull the silver wrapping paper from behind my bed, place it flat and roll out some, cut it off the roll and put the roll away. I find the tape in my dresser drawer and carefully wrap the magazine up, taping it closed. Once I'm done with that, I pull out the ribbon from my drawer and begin making a bow for the top. The guys would make fun of me if they knew I did all the bows myself, but I don't care. It's kind of relaxing.

By the time I'm done scrawling Kaoru's name across the top of it, he's standing in the doorway, an odd look on his face. I smile up at him and hold it out. "Here... all yours."

He steps into the room and takes it from me, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed and holding it in his lap. "I never get used to the care you take on gifts." He looks up at me, his eyes sad. "I forgot it was Christmas... think everyone will be mad at me?"

I shake my head and reach out to tuck a few stray hairs behind his ear. "Nah... I took care of it for you. Don't worry about it."

"Took care of it?"

"Yeah... you've been so out of it, I just assumed you wouldn't realize it was actually Christmas. So I went and got gifts for everyone that I thought seemed like what you'd get."

He seriously looks like he's going to cry.

"Hey! It was nothing. Stop getting all emotional about it!" I pat him hard on the shoulder and he manages to smile a little at me.

"Thanks... I appreciate it." I can tell he really does. "What'd you get for Die and you? So I don't look surprised...."

"I got Die that horror movie he's been eyeing. And uh... actually, I forgot to get anything for me." I blush. "Sorry. I just didn't think about it."

He smiles weakly at me and then stares at the floor. "We'll go out tomorrow and you can buy whatever you want then. How's that?"

I nod. "Thanks, Kao." I slip off the bed and motion for him to follow. Something smells good in the front part of my apartment and I realize Die must be making good on his threat from yesterday to make us dinner. I step into the kitchen, Kaoru close behind me and Die waves a ladle at me.

"Out! Everyone out!"

I arch an eyebrow at him and he scoops up some flour and throws it toward us. I'm quick to retreat and Kaoru has no choice but to do the same. I laugh as I head for the pillows in the living room. "Dude... he's mean when he's cooking!"

Kaoru's smile is actually genuine this time when I look at him. It warms my heart. Both of them actually seem to be doing better. It's like some magical switch got turned on and they're both attempting to fix themselves inside. Maybe it helps that Kaoru went to his counseling session yesterday. I went with him and somehow that forced him to actually open up to the guy. Truth kind of went spraying everywhere, like a broken water hose. I think it helped more than anything else.

Die's taking anti-depressants now. He didn't tell me until two days ago, but he's been taking them for a few weeks now. I'm not even sure when he slipped off to go get them, but somehow he managed. Probably while I was out with Toshiya the other day.

I hear a ripping sound and I snap my gaze to Kaoru. He stares at me innocently, a smile tugging at his lips. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah, sure... just open it."

He turns over the package, revealing a large hole. I laugh and he grins sheepishly as he tears into it like a kid. Paper goes everywhere and he ends up with the bow hanging lopsided off his head. It's adorable, really. I should be ashamed, calling him adorable when I'd strangle him if he did it to me. Oh well, he can think it of me if he wants and I'll think it myself.

He pulls out the manila envelope and then the magazine from within it. It's upside down, so he doesn't immediately respond. He flips it over and freezes, his gaze slowly lifting to mine.

"Read the headline, Kao... that's your present - the headline, not the magazine."

He looks back down at it and reads it before his eyes snap back up to mine. "You... oh god, Kyo."

I force myself to keep my gaze on his. "He can't hurt you anymore. He can't hurt any of us. I made sure of that."

His gaze returns to the cover and then he flips it open, going immediately to the article and mumbling bits of it out loud.

"An unknown source has testified against him, bringing the charges forth and providing evidence..."

"Official announcement of the breakup of Kisaki's band, Phantasmagoria, is sure to come close on the heels of this serous allegation."

"At this time, Kisaki has refused to provide a statement..."

"Speculations on who could have been close enough to him during the time frame of his crimes..."

Kaoru keeps mumbling and I realize there's not any noise in the kitchen anymore. I glance toward the door and find Die standing there, leaning against the doorway, watching me. I shoot him a questioning look and he comes out and kneels down between us. "You actually testified against him?"

I shrug. "I submitted the claim and all the evidence I could. They'll bring me in to testify if they need to. But it should be pretty cut and dried without me having to get involved. I did my work back when he started doing this and kept it just in case his asshole self pulled shit with one of us. He pulled shit and I threw shit right back."

Die swallows hard enough I can hear him. "How can you know we'll be okay, though?"

I look back at Kaoru and he's watching me, too. "I pulled in a few favors. Don't worry about it."

Die's eyes widen and Kaoru just looks lost. I duck my head, knowing Die knows exactly what favors I called in.

"Kyo... you... fuck."

I can't help but smirk a little. "Well... I'd like to fuck, but no." Kaoru manages to choke on air and Die's face turns red. I laugh and point at the pile in the corner of the room. "Just open your damn presents, guys."

Die and Kaoru both practically dive for the stack - it's kind of amusing. Die rips open the DVD and squeals, hugging Kaoru quickly before seeming to realize what he just did and backing up, looking a little freaked out. Kaoru just smiles and digs into his gift from Die. It's a limited edition Gundam figure and I can seriously see his face light up.

Die gets over the fact that he touched Kaoru pretty damn quick, ripping into my gift to him and tossing paper around so much it ends up hitting me square in the face. He doesn't even notice and I just shake my head. He peers thoughtfully down at the notebook and I have to encourage him. "Open it, you moron. Who do you think I am? Someone who'd give you an empty two hundred yen notebook for a gift?"

He laughs and flips it open. His jaw drops and then he flails the notebook around, shoving it at Kaoru and flinging himself at me. "I love you!"

I hold him tight against me, enjoying the fact that he's hugging me rather than the other way around. But my heart can't help but break a little knowing he doesn't mean the words the way I wish he did.

Kaoru whistles. "Niceeee. That's a great design for a guitar, Kyo. Have you actually ordered it?"

I peer around Die's shoulder and nod. "Yeah, I did custom picks to go with it, too."

"That's fuckin' sweet." He pokes Die in the ribs and Die squirms. "Do I get to touch it when it comes in?"

Die wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. "After I've used it a month!"

Kaoru rolls his eyes and puts the notebook down before attacking his next gift.

Die's still attached to me and I can't quite figure out why until he moves just enough to whisper in my ear. "I um... I have your gift, but I'll give it to you later... alone."

I nod a little and he plops back down, grabbing the notebook and hugging it to his chest, a huge grin on his face. It pleases me so much to see him smile for real again. I wonder if he knows how much that affects me.

Die grabs the last three gifts and tosses one of them to me. "This one's for you from Shinya and Toshiya." He gives Kaoru a funny look. "Didn't you get Kyo anything?"

Kaoru nods and hides his face. "Yeah, a shopping trip to get what he wants."

"Ohhhh, good!" Die claws at the wrapping paper on his gift and I focus on mine.

I carefully unwrap it, releasing the tape and unfolding the paper. The contents fall out on my lap and I pick up the first of the three items. The first is a bathrobe in the style of a traditional kimono. It's beautiful, but I also note that it's made in a style for a girl. Toshiya's doing, I'm sure. Not that that'll stop me from wearing it.

I smirk as I set it aside and pick up the second item. A deep blue silk shirt - reversible. The outside is just plain and the inside has an intricate screen of dragons and flowers on it. Intriguing.

The third piece is silk boxers with the words "Insert here" printed in English on the ass. I snort and fold them back up. Figures those two would get me clothing and make most of it some kind of joke. I think about it for a moment and then laugh. "Those two are complete and total bastards!"

Die's eyes are sparkling and I arch an eyebrow at him. "You!" I point my finger at him. "You put them up to buying the boxers, didn't you?!"

He tries to hold back his smile, but fails miserably. "Maybe."

"Maybe yes!"

Kaoru looks up from the manga he's reading and cocks his head. "What boxers?"

I toss them over to him and he unfolds them and cracks a smile before tossing them back at me. "Nope, that wasn't Die's fault. Toshiya's been threatening to shove something somewhere up your butt since last year. I'd lay money on it that those were his bright idea."

I glance at Die and he shrugs. "Maybe Toshiya had a little help, but yeah, his idea."

I shake my head and carefully fold everything back up. "You guys will be the death of me... or the reason why I go insane. One or the other."

The stove starts beeping and Die hops up, running for the kitchen. Kaoru lies on his back and holds the manga over his face, reading it intently. I just flop over on the pillows and sigh contentedly. Maybe today isn't such a disaster after all.

Chapter 19

December 25, 2006 - 9:02 pm - Tokyo, Japan

I lean back and let out a satisfied breath as I unhitch my belt to loosen my pants a little. Die isn't a bad cook, in fact, he's better than he has a right to be.

Kaoru looks like he's going to pass out, his head nodding slightly every few seconds and then a panicked look taking over his face as his head jerks up.

I smile at him and stretch my foot out, nudging his leg. "Kao... bedtime, buddy."

He blinks at me stupidly for a moment and I just laugh lightly. "You're falling asleep. Just go to bed!"

He nods and pushes himself up, gathers his gifts, trudges off to my guestroom and closes the door.

I stand up and pick up the dishes that are littering the floor, taking them back into the kitchen and placing them in the sink. I'll do them tomorrow.

Die's in the shower already. He informed us he was dirty just after eating and ran for the bathroom. In a way that worries me, but he doesn't usually do it, so I can only assume nothing's wrong for now. I guess I just keep thinking of how all of this shit started.

I wash my hands and then head down the hall to my bedroom... well, our bedroom. Die's been sleeping in the same bed as me all this time. I know it sounds weird, but all we do is sleep. It's not like neither of us has ever had a roommate in a single bedroom flat before. We know our way around not doing things that might embarrass the other and how to hide stuff that you have to do. Like right now.

I push the door closed and turn the lock. I've got to be quick and I know that... aside from the fact that there's no way I can't be fast. I haven't done this in so long I should cum just thinking about it. I unbutton and unzip my jeans, pushing the material down my hips and letting them pool at my feet. I kick them toward the pile of laundry in the corner and then flop down on Die's side of the bed.

I bite my lip hard as I push my boxers down, revealing my already swollen cock. My fingers wrap around it and instantly my body explodes in pleasure. Most guys would have done it somewhere else by now - in the shower, a bathroom stall, anything. But I'm not most guys. I have to lay down for it to actually feel good... and being quiet about it is another problem.

I pull harshly on myself, not even caring how good it feels now, just that I need the release. My breath comes hard and fast, my chest rising and falling in quick succession. I push my hips up and moan as quietly as I can while I'm not quite thinking. My hand moves faster and faster, pushing me closer to the edge.

There's a light knock on the door and I gasp, my eyes flying open. But then I'm cumming </i>hard</i>. My breath is stolen from me and I'm stuck with my hips thrust skyward and my hand pumping furiously at my cock as my release spurts from my body. I convulse a little as I fall back against the bed and suck in much-needed air. I'm trembling from the force of it. Apparently surprise is a good helper.

Another knock sounds at the door and I sit up, wincing as I look around the room and don't find my box of tissues. What the hell happened to them? Fuck! I grab the top of my boxers and haul them up over my now flaccid length. I sigh as I use the inside of one of the legs to wipe my hand on as I head toward the door. I make a face and unlatch the door, pulling it open and revealing a nervous-looking Die.

He's gnawing on his lip hard enough it's already bleeding and he all but pushes me out of the way to rush into the room and start rummaging around in the top box of his shit in the corner of my bedroom. He's practically moved in here, if he'd just get unpacked.

I stare at him, afraid that he must have heard me and freaked out.

He doesn't even seem to acknowledge me though, just tossing stuff out of the box while holding the huge towel tightly around himself.

I slip out and take my shower as fast as I can. When I get back to the bedroom, he's sitting on the bed in the exact same spot I just used for something besides sitting. I blush, quickly digging out a pair of boxers from my dresser and pulling them on under my towel. I toss the towel where he threw his and pull on a random t-shirt.

He holds out a small black velvet box and smiles. "Your present."

I close the door, locking it as we always do and then go to sit beside him. I take the box and carefully open it. Inside is a silver necklace. It's kind of long, an intricate pattern weaving its way downward. It kind of looks like script, but I can't make anything out of it, so I assume it's just a design of some kind. "Did you design it?"

He nods and reaches out, taking it from me and then clasping it around my neck.

It hits me just where I like my necklaces to and I smile at him as I finger it lightly. "It's beautiful."

"I know it's not much, but it's all I could think of. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you've done for both me and Kaoru. You're one hell of a person to be able to help us the way you are and still keep it together yourself. I hope you know that."

He's staring at me and I can't help but feel like there's something more in his eyes than there ever has been before. Maybe it's gratitude... I think I just want it to be more than that. I smile softly as I reach up and lightly finger the necklace. "I'll wear it all the time."

He nods and then stands up, tugging down the covers and crawling under them. I follow his example, turning off the light as I lay down. I hold my hand over the necklace as I close my eyes. If only this meant more than it does....

Chapter 20

Notes:

Lajfakldfjalkewwoauior!!! I'm sorry, I have no idea why I wrote that... forgive me. Next chapter won't be so bad... I hope.

December 31, 2006 - 11:27 pm - Tokyo, Japan

I watch everyone with my seemingly unseeing eyes. They think I'm blind to them, to what they're hiding. But I'm not. I see beyond what they show, deeper than I really want to. I slip out onto the patio and stand beside some random guy I don't know, bumming a cigarette off him. I know I quit a long time ago, but I need this. I need it so bad, it hurts inside.

My fingers itch to do something destructive, to let loose the feelings within myself. But I can't let it flow. I can't shove it all out like I do on stage. There is no stage. There hasn't been since all this shit started. Is there even an us anymore? I'm unsure.

My thoughts feel disjointed, like I'm on a high I can't quite get a hold on. I reach out to grasp one and it just slips through my fingers - vapor. I light up and inhale. Nicotine courses through my body and I close my eyes, letting it work with its magical fingers, carved out of death. I know it. I feel it. I love it and hate it. And then my thoughts move back in on me, heavier than before.

Shinya - his dog died. That little yappy thing he's had for so long. He's hiding it behind a veil of alcohol and smiles. But I can see the sadness written across his face. I can feel the impact from across the room and I can see it in his portion of each song. A shame.

Toshiya - I don't know what's wrong with him, but he's acting so different. Maybe he regrets what he did with me, how he helped me. I can't be sure, but he's not speaking with me anymore. I think he deducted too much from what I said. I think he understands what happened to Kaoru all those years ago, what happened just a short time past. I shrug it off. I can't help everyone... or that's what I tell myself.

Kaoru - he's doing better, but right now he's drinking himself into a stupor. I couldn't tell him not to tonight of all nights. It'd be cruel. But maybe this is just as cruel - watching him flounder out there with everyone around him. Watching as he falls in their eyes. But this part isn't what I can change. I did what I could. I'm there with him every time he breaks, every time he skips out on counseling. I can't, and won't, do more than that. It's killing me and I need to preserve myself.

Die... Die's the worst of them all. I can see the things he's tucked away so deep. The pain from the things Kaoru did, the scars I'm sure he has on his body probably only reminding him every day. The way he looks when he doesn't know I'm watching. It hurts me deep down inside. It's like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and doesn't know what to do with it. Maybe it's only the burden of his own heart and soul. I'd take it away, I'd take it all on me. But it's not my place. He knows I care and that's all that can become of my feelings. He has the look of a man that will never trust another, that will never be with another, for the rest of his life. I am powerless. I am a failure.

But what do they see when they look at me, their eyes so full of pity, so full of shame? What did I do to deserve that look? I didn't abuse them, I didn't kill Shinya's dog. And I can't change the past. Why is it me they place the blame on? Why does it hurt? I didn't do it and I don't know how to fix it. I can only be so much, do so much. How can they expect more from me at a time like this? I'm only one man.

My own problems are boiling up again, pushing me closer to breaking. The things I've kept at bay for all this time, threatening to come back and haunt me. I need... I need something more than this stupid smoke.

I toss it to the ground and snuff it out, shoving my way back through my glass door and heading straight for the bathroom. No one's in it. A sign. I slip inside, pushing the door shut behind me and I start prying up the bottom of the drawer under the sink - the fourth one down. Things seem to stand out more - unimportant details shoving themselves at me and trying to force their meaning on me. I can do this, I can make it all go away. My fingers know they can.

Cool metal touches my fingers and then the huge rubber band. I tie myself off and press metal to skin. A deep breath and a shallow line. My damage is done... but it's not nearly enough. Another line, another time. I'm flying away. Just one more - sweet release. A breathless sigh and a jerk of my arm. Another line, one more thing I've done wrong paid for in red.

Wet on my cheeks, agony of a different kind. They'll never understand. I'm alone in this world. Hanging by a fragile limb, but no one knows. No one cares. I close my eyes, drawing another sweet line upon my skin. I can hear them counting on the other side of the door. Maybe they're counting my life away. But they're wrong - that isn't the point. I just need to pay for what I've done wrong, for what I've failed to correct. Can't help them all, Kyo. Words from the past. Two more lines for the two I can't help... and a third for me.

I open my eyes, throwing the blade in the trash and untying the band. When I look down, I see his name, I see his face. My vision swims in water and I can't force myself up. I crawl to the door and open it at once. My eyes see everything now, all of it so clear and obvious.

Kaoru's passed out on the floor, Toshiya sitting with him. Shinya's crying, the tears running so clear down his face. That man I don't recognize is standing on my balcony, a plume of smoke rising from his ever-present cigarette. And Die... Die's standing over me, his eyes so sad and full of worry. I look up at him, my expression neutral - the tears on my face giving me away.

Chapter 21

January 1, 2007 - 3:15am - Tokyo, Japan

I open my eyes, blinking back the immediate agony of being awake. It's dark and I can feel Die next to me. I try to reach up to rub at my eyes and I can't. I try the other arm, my heart pounding in my chest, but it's under Die and I can't get it out for some reason.

I yank and Die rolls over, his body pressing tightly against mine and his hand coming to my cheek. "We need to talk... but you passed out."

"Why can't I move my arm?" I know I sound rude, harsh even, but I can't help it.

He stares sadly at me for a moment and then sighs. "I restrained you... I... Gods... Kyo, I'm so sorry, but I didn't know if you were trying to kill yourself or what." He moves so that he's sitting beside me, his eyes meeting mine. "What were you doing?"

I blink at him and then look away, staring at the wall. I feel like I'm closing off, because it's what I have to do. I've upset him and he doesn't need to be dealing with my problems on top of his. I shouldn't have let myself do what I did, I shouldn't have lost control. I yank at whatever's binding me and try to sit up, failing miserably. "I wasn't trying to die. Just let me up. I need to pee." It's the first thing I can think of as an excuse to make him let me go.

He shakes his head. "I'm not letting you up. You don't have to go. I can see it in your face." He looks even more upset when he makes me look back at him, his hand holding my cheek so gently. His voice is quiet when he speaks again, as if he knows it's up to him to keep this conversation going or it won't happen. "I don't think either of us meant to burden you so much, Kyo. You've taken so much from us. We just never realized you were internalizing all of it like this. I should have seen it, should have been paying closer attention... but I wasn't."

He blinks tears away, pausing as his voice chokes up, and I can't help but think he looks so incredibly vulnerable like this. "I just wish I'd been clearer about my intentions. I wish I hadn't been so afraid of life itself and just told you on Christmas what I meant when I gave you this." His fingers trace over the necklace that still hangs around my neck.

He falls silent and remains like that for almost fifteen minutes. I say nothing, not knowing where to start or what to assume. But I can't stand it anymore when the silence becomes so heavy that I want nothing more than to rip open the wounds that I can feel have already stopped bleeding. Vaguely, I wonder how long I was out. "So what does it mean then?"

I can see the hesitation in his eyes, in the way he stiffens a little, but then his hand is back on my cheek and he leans down to whisper in my ear. "Close your eyes." I do it, mostly because I don't really have a choice.

I can't help the soft cry of surprise that leaves me when his lips ghost over mine. I lean into it, unable to stop myself from wanting it. A shudder wracks my body and I forget all about needing to let my pain out because it's draining from me already. My heart stops aching, feeling almost as though it will float away at any moment. I kiss him back, wishing like hell that my arms were free so I could pull him closer, so I could show him just how much I've longed for this... for him.

His mouth is so gentle against mine, so different than I ever thought this would be. But then... I never thought I'd ever get my chance with him. I always thought I'd be the one left behind, the one standing in the dust with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. I was half right.

I whimper softly, pulling again at the restraints and he reaches for my wrist, releasing first one hand and then the other. Our kiss never breaks, his tongue instead slipping inside my mouth, rubbing against my own. Once I'm free, I roll toward him, tangling my legs with his and pulling him down so our bodies are touching. It feels so good, to actually hold him as close as I want to and know that he's okay with it.

My body begins to tremble, my very soul aching at the fact that soon enough this will all be over, that in a minute he'll realize what he's doing and freak out. But my fears are for naught, because when he does pull away, he remains so close to me, his head resting on my shoulder and his breath ghosting across my skin. I feel warm, yet so cold and it's then that I realize that I lost far too much blood with what I did to myself.

His voice cuts into my thoughts and I refocus on him. "Will you be okay or should we go to the hospital?"

I think about it, think of all the times I let too much out on stage and the one time I did have to get medical attention. But this doesn't feel like that, like I'm not even inside my own body anymore. This feels like I'll be okay with rest and strength. "I should be alright. Maybe I should have some juice though."

He's fast to slip out of bed and I notice he's wearing his pajama pants and a loose band t-shirt. He leaves the bedroom and comes back less than a minute later, a plastic cup of orange juice in his hand. The door is carefully shut and locked before he comes back and sits beside me, his arm around my waist to help me sit up. I start to take the glass but he won't let me, pushing my hand away and holding the cup to my lips.

I feel silly, but I let him tilt the glass, having me drink like that until it's all gone. In a way, it's the most intimate thing I've ever had done for me. It's a whole side of Die I've never seen and didn't even know existed. Maybe it didn't until all of this happened... maybe I bring it out in him.

When the juice is gone, he tosses the cup in the trashcan and helps me lay back down. It's only then that I realize I'm dressed in sweat pants, one of Die's t-shirts, and my arm is bandaged up with white gauze. I stare at my arm, a confused look on my face until he notices and lies back down beside me, pulling me close again. "You opened the bathroom door..." his voice sounds troubled, almost scared, "at first I didn't know what you'd done, why you were bleeding like that. You passed out almost as soon as you looked at me and I took you back in, hiding what happened from everyone else. I didn't think it was their business."

His fingers caress my face and he presses a short kiss to my lips before pulling back again. "I almost thought maybe you'd taken something, too, the way you were so cold and that rubber band in the bathroom. But I couldn't find anything in the garbage or the drawers. I just cleaned you up and then showered you, changing you and telling Kaoru you got drunk and puked everywhere."

I nod a little and roll over, curling up into his embrace. It feels nice to be held rather than to hold. "I didn't do any drugs... I can't say I haven't thought about it. But I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to do anything for anyone anymore. I couldn't do that. I had to be here for you, for Kaoru."

His arms tighten a little and he slides one leg between mine. I pull up the covers and nuzzle him, loving the smell of his cologne that he's finally wearing again. His voice rumbles through his chest, giving me a comfortable feeling. "I'm glad you didn't. I was so worried... so upset that we'd driven you to something so horrible. I'm still worried... we've burdened you so much, heedless of what you needed, mindless of the fact that you're human, too." He takes in a shuddering breath. "I thought I'd lost you tonight. I really did."

I shake my head a little. "I told Kaoru that I only do that on stage; that it doesn't help... but I lied. When I was younger, I used to do it for the release, because it let the physical pain override the emotional. I didn't want him relying on that... so I lied. I haven't done it in years, not anywhere but on stage for show. I just... I couldn't take it anymore. Everyone wants me to be perfect, to be something I'm not and never have been. I can only do so much."

His breath hitches and then I can feel his breathing become erratic, like he's trying to hold back his emotions. Finally a soft sob leaves him. "I'm so sorry, Kyo. You have no idea how sorry I really am."

"It's not just you..." I know it's not the best answer in the world, but it's the only one I have. "How's Kaoru?"

"Drunk." The answer is so simple and I hope that's all it is.

"Is everyone else gone?"

He nods. "It's just us three." He trembles a little, pulling himself back under control. "Shinya and Toshiya cleaned up and sent the last people out with bags of trash."

I yawn, hiding it in his shoulder and then stretch for a moment, putting myself right back in the same position. "Can we stay like this tonight?"

I can feel his smile, even though I'm not looking at him. "Tonight and forever."

My heart soars and my mind prays he's not lying. We're not perfect, we're not okay... but if we have each other, we'll have a prayer of making it through all this. It just makes me wonder... who's going to pull Kaoru out the other side?

Chapter 22

January 17, 2007 - 5:03 am - Tokyo, Japan
Die POV

It's still dark in our room, the evidence of the sun still not slipping through the gaps of the window blinds. For a moment, I wonder why I'm awake, but then the sound of the shower and the empty space beside me in the bed tip me off. My body must have sensed Kyo's absence and forced me into waking up. It's funny... these days I can't even sleep without him here by my side. I need his warmth, his comfort, in order to let myself go and fall away into my dreams.

I roll over a little and stretch. A soft gasp leaves my lips and my eyes widen as my length brushes against the sheets. Heat is fast to rise to my cheeks and I bite my lower lip, sucking it into my mouth as my heart races in my chest. It's been a while since my body has done this to me. I'm not even sure what to think about it, really.

In a way, I know it's the fact that I'm slowly healing all of my wounds, both mental and physical. That has to be the reason why I can finally feel the simple pleasure of waking up with a hard-on in the morning. Tentatively, I raise my hips, thrusting a little against the covers. Just that small amount of friction is more than enough to have my hands fisted in the sheets at my sides, my head thrown back. I'm certain there must be a look of pure bliss written across my face as I rock my hips ever so slightly.

It doesn't even cross my mind that Kyo could finish his shower and walk back in right this instant. Even as the blood rushes through my body, a dull roar in my ears from holding my breath, I don't think about being caught. Honestly, all I can think about is how much I wish I weren't alone right now - how much I wish that Kyo were still lying here right beside me, his hand causing this friction, rather than my hips and the cloth covering my body.

My body starts to shake and I finally gasp for air, letting go of the sheets and wrapping an unsteady hand around my aching sex. How long have I been hard like this? What was I dreaming about before I woke up? Maybe it was Kyo, maybe just being close to him before he got up made me this hard.

I work my hand over the rigid flesh, my movements quick. I know it can't last long for me. After all, it's been forever since I remember releasing myself. As my balls draw up, tightening, I know it'll all be over so soon. My breath hitches and then I cry out, the sound of it echoing off the walls, fading away into the sound of my panting as my orgasm hits me. I spill myself out across the inside of the sheets, feeling no shame in the action.

My body collapses back against the now sticky sheets and I moan softly, my head turning to look at the still-present indent of the man I want so badly to call my lover. Did he understand what I meant the other night? Was it clear that I've fallen so hard for him that I'll never be the same again? How could I not love the man who picked me right back up from the blood-slicked ground and helped me into some semblance of normalcy?

The dull thrum of the shower shuts off and I turn my head away from his spot, closing my eyes for a moment before getting out of bed and tucking myself back into my boxers. How the hell I fell out of them in the middle of the night, I'll never know, since I almost always button them back. But that doesn't matter anymore.

The door creaks open and I glance up, finding Kyo's eyes for a moment before it really hits me what I just did. I should be ashamed of myself, lusting over him when he probably only loves me in the most non-physical of ways. Besides... who wants someone who's been broken - especially when they know every piece of it?

A blush comes to my cheeks and I shuffle past him without so much as a greeting. My heart is in my throat and I feel a little sick to my stomach. My actions seem to be on autopilot, getting undressed and showering, drying off, brushing my teeth and doing everything else I always do in the mornings. By the time I'm done, I can hear Kyo and Kaoru in the kitchen talking.

I'm quick to get dressed, putting on the least revealing thing I own - a turtleneck and a pair of jeans that once upon a time actually fit me. Now they fall from my hips if I don't wear my belt tight. I grab one of the beanies Kaoru gave me so long ago and stuff it on, not even thinking how this will look to the two of them. I'm hiding, but not the way they'll think. I'm only hiding away my feelings for Kyo, hiding what I just did not half an hour prior.

I drag my feet, not at all feeling my once-again-confident self anymore. When I arrive in the kitchen, I just stare at the floor, not even making a motion to get anything, not even my requisite morning tea. I can feel their eyes on me, but I don't want to look up and see how their faces are probably full of pity... or worse, disgust. Maybe they heard me, maybe I was too loud and they already know what I did. Maybe hiding is pointless.

Swallowing hard, I quickly sit down in a chair and keep my eyes on the wooden surface of the table before me. A hand lands on my shoulder and breath ghosts across my ear and I gasp, pulling away as my cheeks heat up again. It's Kyo, I can tell just from the touch - but the tattooed hand on the table in my field of vision helps with the determination.

"Die?" His voice is so soft, so caring to my ears. And then I know I'm worrying him; that he thinks something horrible has happened far beyond me and my little fantasies.

Kaoru stands up, shrugging his jacket on and I catch the movement from the corner of my eye. "Time for us to leave, guys."

I have to say I'm somewhat relieved that he has distracted Kyo from my mood. I didn't really want to try to field the questions without lying. I've promised myself I won't lie to Kyo - not now, not ever. He's given me the same courtesy, all I can do is return it and pray for the best to come of being so brutally honest. At the same time, I know he'll ask again, that he'll get further with the question, and then I'll have to tell him what I did this morning... or at least imply it.

We leave the apartment in a small cluster, remaining in our little group as we make our way to the studio. No one seems to care that we're all together, no one points and no one tries to get our signatures or photographs. Surprising really, since the last time I was out like this, I had people swarming all over me. We don't even have our sunglasses on. Odd... but welcome, at least.

Once we're at the studio, we get out all of our equipment from the storage closets, setting it all up. It's been so long since I've even touched my guitar. Part of me wonders if I'll suddenly not know how to play it anymore. And, yet... the other part knows I've been doing it for so many years, I'll never forget.

Shinya comes in and then Toshiya a few minutes after him. They spend a few minutes setting up and then warming up. Overall, the atmosphere is pleasant. There are no questions, no odd looks, and more than that, no uncomfortable feelings between any of us. Even I have learned to deal with Kaoru coming in contact with me. I know he's leader and that alone keeps me sane when he reaches over and re-tunes one of my strings. Picky bastard... as always.

For a few songs, everything is fine. We all seem to be okay with what we're doing, alright with our parts. Nothing major is wrong and really, the minor mistakes can be noted and fixed the next few times. Everything feels so... right.

But then it's break time, Kaoru's fingers are already sore, and frankly, so are mine. How fast the calluses go away. I set my guitar down, putting it back in the rack for the time being and I start to go outside to smoke... old habits die hard.

Kyo's hand wraps around my arm to hold me back as he starts to speak. "You haven't smoked in weeks, don't start-" His voice stops at my reaction to him holding me, the way I immediately shy away from him, as if he's a snake that's going to strike. His lips part and he stares at me with those deep brown eyes, the saddest look reflecting in them before he lets me go and quickly turns away. "Nevermind," the words run together as he flees the room, the door clicking shut behind him before I can so much as explain myself.

My heart pounds in my chest and I realize I'm hurting him with my secrets again. I swore to him I wouldn't hurt him anymore and now here I am doing exactly that. It doesn't take me but a few seconds to go after him, my feet carrying me while my mind still tells me he's going to freak out over what I did.

I notice that the bathroom door is slightly ajar and I hope like hell he's in there as I duck inside, pulling it shut behind me. A shuffling sound from the darkened corner tells me he is before I flick on the lights and find him with my eyes. He's visibly upset, his arms wrapped tightly around his small frame and his eyes accusingly staring at me.

I approach him, coming to stand a few feet in front of him and then I reach out, sliding my fingers across the pale skin of his face. "Kyo, I... I didn't mean to react like that."

He blinks at me and then looks away, shrugging. "It doesn't matter." Lies.

Before I can even think about the consequences of my actions, I move closer to him, cupping his cheek and tilting his head up as I lean down, taking his mouth with my own. The kiss is gentle, loving. He tastes so good and feels so right as he kisses me back, his hands coming up to fist in my shirt as he mewls softly against my lips.

When I pull away, his eyes are shining so brightly as he stares up at me. I smile, lightly caressing his cheek again before dropping my hand to my side. But then I look away, nervous again, because I know I have to do this, I have to tell him what I did.

"Why are you hiding yourself like this?" He tugs at my shirt, managing to pull me closer with the action.

I take a moment to collect myself and then sigh softly. "I... this morning, when I woke up." I can feel that my face is on fire now, the heat of it almost unbearable. "I haven't been able to," why the hell is my hand flailing in the air like it can help me get my point across? I drop my hand to my side again and let out a frustrated sound.

"Oh." Real fucking eloquent, Kyo. And yet... it tells me all it needs to. He understands what I did. But then, he keeps talking. "So you kinda... got your sexuality back?"

When I look back at him, he's not looking at me anymore, but instead at a spot somewhere behind me. "Yeah...." My voice is so low I even have problems hearing it.

"So what's the problem? Shouldn't that be a good thing?" Now he sounds a little irritable and it brings a smile to my face.

"It should... but I," I have to do it, I have to tell him or I'll keep freaking out that he'll find out, "I thought of you and I don't want you to hate me for wanting you when we're supposed to love each other, not lust after one another, and-"

He cuts me off, his finger pressed against my lips as he looks back at me finally. His eyes sparkle with amusement. "Wait... you got off while thinking about me and you think I'm going to have some kind of problem with this?"

I nod once, unwilling to say anything more.

His laughter fills the bathroom and I blink at him in surprise. "You moron. Do you have any idea how long I've wanted you to want me in return?" He lightly hits my shoulder. "Besides, didn't that night last year tell you anything about how I felt?" He blushes as he looks away again.

"Oh." My turn to sound like a complete idiot. "So... you don't mind that I think of you like that?"

This time the look on his face is almost comical, albeit bewildered. "Duh."

That forces me to grin as I duck my head a little. "I'll keep that in mind, then."

Kyo nods. "Damn right you will." He yanks on the sleeve of my shirt. "And wear something you actually want to wear, not this bullshit."

There's a knock on the door and his eyes widen a fraction before he coughs softly. "Uh... we should get out of here."

As he leaves and I trail out after him, I don't even think about what it might look like. I don't care anymore. I love Kyo and I want him. That's all that matters and he knows that as well as I do. Anyone who sees us in a somewhat compromising situation and has a problem with it can kiss my ass and I'm sure Kyo would offer his up to be kissed at a moment's notice.

Maybe... just maybe... things are working out for the better.

Chapter 23

February 16, 2007 - 7:43 pm - Englewood, CO
Kyo POV

I'm nervous... more so than I can remember being in years. Part of me isn't quite sure why, while the other part is confident it's because today is my birthday and not a single person has said a word about it. I at least expected Toshiya or Shinya to remember... but they haven't. I don't think Kaoru knows what month it is, much less that today is somewhat of a celebratory day for me.

But then, I've never really made a big deal out of birthdays before, and they know that. The thought alone brings a bitter smile to my face as I stare in the mirror one last time. My hair looks alright and I don't look quite as shitty as I feel. At least that's good.

Pushing away from the counter, I leave the small room behind, ignoring the odd look Kaoru gives me as I walk away. I never leave before concerts unless I'm feeling particularly out of my element and he knows it. I guess touring like this is getting to me a bit, being in such close proximity to everyone and fearing they'll all see the turmoil that boils just under my skin.

And Die... gods, Die. He's been torturing me, giving me the smallest of kisses here and smoldering looks there. I can't really take being teased, but it's not like I can just push him up against a wall and have my way with him, either. Considering we're a bit out of our element here in the US anyway, I don't want to risk something like that being caught by one of the staff members that are just temporary crew while we're here. Something of that proportion could end our careers over here... and maybe even back home. So, for the sake of the band... I've been ignoring him.

A gentle sigh leaves my lips and some part of me wishes I'd never given up smoking. Just the thought of the nicotine, the calming feel of the cylinder in my hand, gives me something close to a need for it. If only I didn't have to do a concert tonight, I'd have allowed myself just one. Instead, I find a dark corner and lean against the wall, listening to our opening bands and how... rude... the crowd seems to be being to them.

Sometimes, I hate being who we are. It's not right that the other bands are treated like this, that all people can do is chant our name over the sound of their instruments. If I knew English well enough, I'd walk out there right now and tell them all to enjoy the opening bands or we'd just not play. After all, it's my birthday and I'm giving it to them.

A hand falls on my shoulder and I jerk in surprise, gasping as I stare wide-eyed up at... Die. Of course. I offer a small smile and then shake my head. "They're being shit to the opening acts."

"They always are. You're just never out here to hear it." He lets his hand fall away and then smiles. It's one of those dazzling, brilliant smiles that lights up entire rooms when he turns it on. His fingers curl around mine and he lifts my arm, placing a small box in my palm.

I slowly clasp the gift, a slight tingling feeling spreading through my body as I actually manage to smile. "You remembered."

He moves closer to me, placing two fingers under my chin and forcing my head up. "Of course I did." His lips ghost over mine before he speaks again, his voice a simple whisper this time. "How could I forget?"

Before I can respond, he's pulled back and I almost don't catch my frustrated groan in time. I'm getting really sick of all the tender kisses that don't last nearly long enough. But how can I complain? He's still recovering and the last thing I want to do is traumatize him with my wants and needs. Instead, I smile a bit more, even if it's partially forced, and then set about unwrapping the gift box.

When I pull it open, I find a small silver pendant, similar to the one I'm already wearing. I start to reach into the box to get it out, but Die pushes my fingers aside and takes it out instead, reaching out to my chest and taking the one I'm wearing in hand. With skilled fingers, he snaps this new piece into the second and then holds it out enough that I can see it when I look down. "This is how I feel about you... it is what you are to me."

I read it, tilting my head to get the kanji to line up right. Life and Soul. My heart feels like it's in my throat for a moment and then I reach out, plucking it from his fingers and letting it fall back against my chest as I reach for him, my fingers curling in his hair and my other hand holding his neck so he can't pull away this time.

I pour everything that I am into kissing him, confessing my deepest feelings without so much as a single word. My tongue dances across his lips and then dips into his mouth when he allows me the entrance I seek. He tastes like Heaven and I can't help the low moan that escapes me as I all but fuck his mouth with my tongue.

He surprises me as he backs me up against the wall again, deepening the kiss as he plasters his body to mine. I know he can feel just how excited I already am and part of me wonders if he's really okay with it. But I don't let up, all of this time I've spent holding back boiling over into my actions as I buck against him, whimpering softly. I want him in me so bad I can almost feel it.

When he pulls away, I'm left gasping for breath, my eyes closed as I fight myself for control. I just let him go, praying he's not upset with me as I press my palms against the wall on either side of me.

A startled sound leaves me when his hands work my belt lose and then unzip my fly, popping open the button holding my pants together. My eyes fly open and I find him on his knees, staring up at me with this wicked look in his eyes, the lust written clearly across his beautiful features. I just study him, not saying a word, my breath coming short and fast as I lick my lips in what I hope to be an encouraging manner.

After a moment, he slips one hand into my pants, freeing my erection with a single flick of his wrist. His tongue snakes out from between his kiss-bruised lips, wetting them before he leans in closer, flicking the slick muscle over the tip of my cock. I gasp, my fingers curling against the wall, as if I can find something to hold on to.

In a swift movement, he's engulfed my entire length, all the way down to the base. My hand leaves the wall and settles in his hair, rubbing the soft strands between the pads of my fingers as he begins to work at me, his head bobbing slightly in opposition to the way my hips are pushing. I know I should keep still, but he's not making me and I can't honestly help it, the way his tongue is swirling around the head of my dick making me only want him more and more with each passing second.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hear the crowd getting louder and the music stop, but I don't really pay any mind to it. Even when I hear voices coming down the hall toward us, I don't honestly care. I know I should, but I don't. Instead, I let a low moan leave my lips, encouraging Die to keep going.

He doesn't hesitate either, not even when one of the band members lets out a cat-call and another one starts laughing. They continue past and I watch them go, fire in my eyes. "Birthday," I manage to gasp out, the English word leaving my tongue in an odd manner, not quite sounding right to my own ears.

The tallest guy turns around and beams at me, giving me a thumbs-up before rushing to catch up with his buddies, slinging his arms around them and saying something I don't understand before they all say something else in unison.

I force my attention off them and back onto Die... my Die. He's rubbing himself through his pants, his erection fairly obviously tenting the front of them. I study him for a moment before holding his head and slowly beginning to piston my hips, pushing my length in and out of his mouth. My pace grows rapidly, my breath matching it as soft moans begin to cascade from my mouth. He's sucking so greedily at me, as if he wants every drop of what I can give him and doesn't want to miss a bit of it.

It's that thought that brings me abruptly to my end, my strangled cry echoing from the walls of the hallway as I spill myself in his mouth. I shudder at the feeling of him sucking hard on me, like a baby would do to a bottle as I pulse out my offering across his tongue.

When I almost start to sink down the wall, he pulls himself away from my length and helps me to sit, climbing over me and settling himself onto my lap, facing me. He's smiling like a fiend and I can't help but smile back, blushing a bit as I do up my pants again. "That was um... quite the present, Die."

He laughs softly and then leans in, kissing me deeply. After a moment, he pulls away and quickly unzips his pants, slips his hand inside and starts jerking himself off.

I watch him in fascination for a moment before I trail my hands down his chest and then lightly tug on his wrist. "Let me?" I have to let it be a question, not wanting to push his limits in any way.

It's obvious he's eager to let me when he lets his hand fall away and he arches his hips a little toward me, moving so that he's leaning back on his hands, his sex displayed to my prying eyes.

I bite my lip for a moment and then reach for him, curling my fingers around him and slowly beginning to pleasure him. I watch him carefully, judging what I'm doing and how it's affecting him. When I'm sure he's at ease with me, I speed up, my hand sliding over his rigid flesh faster and faster until he's thrusting his hips up to meet my hand.

The line of his body like this is nothing short of stunning. The way he moves and the manner in which he's quivering under my touch is more than beautiful. It's at the last second that I remember to push his shirt up out of the way as his hips jerk up and his cum spills out across his abdomen. I can feel every throb as he paints his belly in creamy white, spilling some onto my fingers.

When he collapses back onto my lap, his breathing heavy and a blush staining his cheeks, I pull my hand away, bringing it to my lips and licking away the remains of what I caused. I feel almost proud of myself for doing that to him, for bringing him to his end in the middle of the venue.

He moves off me, cleaning up in much the same manner I've chosen to clean my hand before he does up his pants and then reaches out a hand to me. "We're on soon."

I stand up, using his hand to help pull my body from the floor. He doesn't let go of me, his fingers curling with my own as we make our way back toward the small dressing room we're using. Tonight is going to be one hell of a night on stage, I can feel it boiling in my veins and I shiver slightly, squeezing Die's hand as we slip back into the room and take our places separately, waiting on Kaoru's orders.

Something about tonight feels... almost normal.

Chapter 24

Notes:

... I feel like such a fucking cop-out for this. But I've honestly been plotting this since the beginning and I just wanted everyone to know that before I get yowled at for it. Please remember that I did give you all an alternate ending with "Messiah".
I'd also just like to say... I re-read this entire fic myself and the POV changing and the tense changing... it pissed me off. I mean really annoyed me. If I were a reader of my own fic, I'd have given up the instant I changed tenses from chapter to chapter. Guys... I'm sorry. I'm going to do better on my newest chapter fic I'm starting. *nods* No POV changes or tense changes, I swear it *growl*
Song: "Immortal" by Kittie

February 17, 2007 - 8:07 pm - Houston, TX
Kaoru POV

Today... I almost feel like I should be with someone. Just spending time somewhere besides squirreled away in my hotel room. But, it's not meant to be. Kyo and Die aren't with me, even though it's my birthday today. No one is. I admit, at least they told me happy birthday, which is something of a miracle on Kyo's behalf. I totally forgot his and I expected nothing less than the same from him for mine. Instead, he was very nice about it - even gave me a few more manga from the same series I got for Christmas.

That reminds me that I still owe him a shopping trip. He didn't ever take me up on it. I wince, my mind taking another turn and ending up thinking about the text I got on the fourteenth. My second cousin was taking care of my hamster for me while I was gone. I guess the little guy had a stroke in his sleep or something. Well enough, I suppose... he was miserable without his buddy. Kyo never would tell me what happened to my little white fluff-ball, and I guess if he found it appropriate to not tell me, then I shouldn't ever know.

I heave a soft sigh, rolling over onto my side and staring at the white wall of the room. Why do I keep torturing myself with things like this? I'm better now... I've been calling my counselor every other day and talking with him about how I feel and what I should do as my next steps. Last night, he told me I should find someone - even if just temporarily - to ease my need for physical contact. The thing is... I'm not even sure how to go about doing it right.

The last thing I want to do is scare someone off because I come on too strong or just ask them the wrong questions. And I refuse to let it be a fan, especially here in the US. I've had a lot of offers, blatant, in some cases. But I won't accept them, mainly because what if it got out that I'm a terrible lover or that I'm overly pushy or, worse, what if the person was underage and I get strung up for it. Asking for an ID hardly suits my tastes.

With a groan, I flop back over onto my back and glare at the ceiling. Why is life so fucking complicated? I just want release... like Kyo so obviously got in the damn hallway with Die the other night. The other bands won't shut up about it, whispering amongst themselves about how gay the two of them are for each other. At least I can understand that much English.

Part of me would have given anything to be in Kyo's place. But I keep reminding myself - Die's not mine anymore. I gave up my only chance with him, abused it even. Deep inside, I know I can't blame him for not wanting to be with me and I can't blame Kyo for wanting what his heart wants. In a way, I'm even happy for them.

A light knock comes on my door and I glance over at it, confused for a moment before I get up and force myself to answer it. "Wha-" the question dies in my throat as I stare at Toshiya with what must be the most comical look ever on my face.

The guy's wearing all black except for a red ribbon and a giant red bow perched on top of his head. Vaguely, I wonder what the hell my bassist is thinking as I reach out and yank him into the room, glancing up and down the hallway to see if anyone saw him before slamming the door and turning around to face him. "What the fuck?"

He grins cheekily at me, his slightly crooked teeth giving the whole thing an endearing look as he pats the bow on top of his head. "Happy Birthday, Kaoru!" Without so much as a hint of hesitation, he leans in and pecks me on the lips before pulling back and watching me. "I'm yours to do with as you please."

I blink stupidly at him. He can't be serious. Then it hits me - maybe he means like... I make him polish my shoes or something, like a maid. I just shake my head and laugh softly, moving to sit on my bed and then pat the place beside me. "Sit."

He comes over and sits, just where I patted, even though I haven't moved my hand yet. My breath catches in my throat and my thoughts once again circulate over how damn much I need some companionship. Why did he have to come in dressed up like this today of all days? Oh yeah... my birthday.

With a half-groan, I yank my hand from under his tight bottom and swallow hard. "Um... how about you just help me clean my apartment when we get back so I can move out of Kyo's?" It's the only thing I can think of that I actually need help with besides- no, I will not think of that.

Toshiya nods. "Yeah, sure... but I was kind of thinking you could do something with me now... something a lot more fun."

Is he coming on to me?! My body tenses and I have to close my eyes to keep myself from looking like someone just hit me upside the head. "There's not exactly much to do around here... especially with you in that silly ribbon and bow." I'm being intentionally dense now. I get it... he's actually making a move on me, but... he doesn't know. I can't willingly put him - or anyone - in that position. Why does my counselor even want me to have sex again? I basically raped Die. That alone should stick me up for getting my nuts chopped off or something.

Toshiya's arm wraps around my shoulders and his breath ghosts across my ear. "I know a lot of things to pass the time... a lot of ways and a lot of positions." He pulls back enough to force me to look at him, his fingers under my chin. "I want you to have sex with me - and before you protest, I know about the whole Die/Kyo situation and Kisaki and all of it. Hell, I helped Kyo can the bastard. Please, just give me a chance. I've always wanted you... even when we'd just met." He stares at me so pleadingly, his eyes begging.

All I can do is stare at him in shock. He's known everything all along and hasn't treated me at all differently. In fact, he's maybe even treated me nicer than usual. I swallow hard as I study him. How can I say no when he's offering exactly what I wanted? I can't and I damn well know it. "Then promise me if I do something you don't want, you'll fight me... literally."

He nods, smiling wide. "I'll beat the fuck out of you if you do. How's that?"

I nod. My heart feels like it's going to explode from my chest, just pop out and flop around on the floor like a dying goldfish. I even whimper when he slips his hand into my hair and pushes me back on the bed, his mouth connecting with mine in a tender kiss. He's slow about getting things going, and in a way, I'm grateful. Minutes tick by before he even tries to french me. When he does, I allow it immediately, understanding that I'm going to end up bottoming tonight. And really, I don't mind as much as I thought I would.

When his hands move down my body, exploring me through fabric, I shiver in anticipation. My cock is already hard, pressing at the seams of my pants urgently. It's been so long and I need him so bad. Finally, I let my hands move from the covers. I pluck the silly bow from his head and yank the ribbon free, tossing it aside as I grasp his shirt, pulling it up.

He relents from kissing me for a moment to get us both out of our shirts, tossing them to the floor before he leans down, kissing me once again. This time it's not quite so gentle, there's more of a hint of desperation in it now and I feed off of it, ramping it up in my own way as I wrap one leg around his waist and arch up into him, moaning softly.

His hips buck down against my own, our bodies starting a steady rhythm of dry humping one another until I can't take it anymore. I turn out of the kiss and let go of him, grasping at the bed sheets as I thrust up against his body as hard and as fast as I can. I'm close enough I could get off just like this and in a way, I want to.

He moves with me, slipping his hand down and managing to get my pants undone. The next upward thrust I make, he yanks my clothing down, freeing my erection, and I gasp harshly, staring up at him in amazement. A grin slides across his lips for a moment before he gets his jeans undone and reveals himself as well. His cock twitches as I stare at it.

While I'm absorbed in staring at him, he pulls my pants the rest of the way off, tossing them aside and then removes his own, tossing a few items on the bed that I don't even bother to look at. He's quick to move back over me, to get us into the same position we were, but this time flesh-to-flesh.

The instant he starts moving, I'm lost again, my body ruling over my actions. I end up thrusting helplessly against him, soft whimpering cries falling from my mouth as our arousals brush against one another over and over.

It isn't long before I lose control again and end up pistoning my hips in such a manner that it's clear I'm about to cum. He lets his weight rest on me, helping me gain more friction as I end up humping him like a madman, moaning his name repeatedly as I get closer and closer to my peak.

When it hits me, it does it like a ton of bricks. A scream rips free from my throat and my hips snap up, my entire body going rigid as I shudder, my release spilling out between us. By the time it's over, I'm panting and shaking as I collapse back against the bed with a moan.

Toshiya's gentle, moving me up the bed a bit, and then kissing my neck and collarbone while I hear the distinctive sound of a condom being torn open. But it doesn't bother me, I don't even really think about it, not even as he pushes two cum-covered fingers into my passage. I'm about as loose as anyone can be, my body feeling completely drained of any tension.

He's fast to ensure I'm stretched out and ready for him, before moving to press his lubricated cock against my entrance. "Kaoru..." it's his way of asking if it's okay and I just nod. He slips into my body and I groan softly at the intrusion. It feels so different than any other time I've done this; for one, it doesn't hurt.

He starts moving, his hips pushing him gently into me and then retreating. It's actually kind of soothing. For almost twenty minutes, he's so gentle with me, I could almost fall asleep. But then this tiny frustrated sound leaves his lips and I open my eyes, looking up at him and studying him. It's obvious to me that he wants more, but he's afraid to take it.

I push my hips up, almost experimentally. "Let yourself go, Toshi."

With a soft moan, he plunges back into me, his body meeting mine with an amount of force that I know is sure to get him off soon. His thrusts grow in haste, moans flowing freely from his lips as his length leaves and returns to my body, faster each time. Soon he's panting above me, his lips and tongue tasting everything on my body he can reach.

He finds another angle, but I don't think he does it intentionally. The instant he does, blinding pleasure shoots through me and I cry out, my cock twitching. Again and again, he hits that place, forcing my cock back into hardness and my body hums with desire. It isn't long after and I'm clawing at the sheets, my head thrown back and my body trembling. I can feel my orgasm coming and I almost marvel at it, not understanding how the pleasure can be so exquisite like this. My prostate throbs and my balls tighten; not a moment later, I spill myself across my abdomen, my body clenching down around Toshiya, pulling a cry from him.

A few thrusts later and he pushes in particularly hard and remains. I can feel the warmth of his cum filling the condom and I moan softly, shivering in pleasure one last time before I collapse back against the now-sweaty bed and reach up, holding him.

He pulls out and discards the condom somewhere behind him before plopping back down on me and rolling us onto our sides. He gives me that silly grin of his as he weaves his legs with mine. "So... was that a happy birthday, leader-sama?"

I snort at the name and then nod. "It was perfect."

He ducks his head, leaning in and nipping my neck. "Just remember... this is how you make love."

I can't help but smile as I raise one hand to his hair and gently stroke it. "Thank you..." I couldn't have asked for a better gift... and he knows it.