The Ranger's Apprentice: On Crack

by Finding_Crows

Summary:

A collection of short crackfics of the Ranger's Apprentice, usually with a lot of crowley, pauline, and halt being forced to watch their 15 adopted children cause chaos. Long story short, me and my bsf have hyperfixations and this has been our outlet HAHA

Chapter 1: The Ranger's Discover Football

Alyss and Pauline had been gone thirty minutes, at the most. The store was close by and they only needed some snacks for the day, so they didn’t bother taking long to get what they needed. It had been a fast trip and they hadn’t expected much to change when they got home.

They realized quickly that they were wrong.

Alyss remembered that when she and the other kids were younger, Horace had a strange obsession with football. He would sit in front of the TV for hours, hogging it from the other kids, to watch some grown adults pass a ball back and forth. It made little sense to Alyss, and neither did it to the other kids. Jenny spent all her time trying to get the group to watch The Great British Baking Show, George with documentaries, and Will… well, Will watched a little bit of everything. But definitely not football.

That’s why when Alyss walked in, seeing her boyfriend sitting in front of the TV like a toddler, watching football of all things, she froze.

“Will?” She asked, placing her steps carefully as she walked towards Will. He didn’t look up from the TV as he spoke.

“Oh, hey Alyss.” His voice was dull and out of focus. She turned around to glance at Pauline, who was staring questioningly at Halt, sat next to Will in the same position. Gilan was on Will’s right. The three of them weren’t making a sound, and even though they were trained to do that, this time it was even more unsettling.

“Halt,” Pauline began, now standing next to Alyss. “What are you doing?”

Halt waved his hand dismissively in Pauline’s direction, and it took all that Alyss had not to recoil in shock. Pauline was the one person he listened to. If even he was lost in the game playing right now…

Her thoughts stopped suddenly as she heard a… chuckle? Giggle? Her head jerked towards where it had come from on the couch. Horace was sat, leaning back, looking comfortable. Instead of watching the football game, he was staring at the three rangers on the floor.

“Horace.”

His eyes widened, without even glancing at Alyss. All that was there was fear.

“Ohh!! Heyyy, Alyss. You’re back!!!” He spoke with false cheerfulness in his voice. “Safe travels, I’m assuming? And hey Pauline!!”
Pauline and Alyss didn’t look at each other as they spoke at the same time, the same question in their minds.

“What did you do?”

Horace’s smile wavered. “Well, the football game was starting, so I… turned it on!!”

“And?” Pauline pushed.

“Pauline it’s not my fault I didn’t realize they wouldn’t move afterward I can’t make them stop I thought it was funny and it still kind of is but also you two are going to kill me aren’t you?”

Alyss was just about to scold Horace when there was a sudden chorus of “BOOO!!!!!!”’s. Will, Halt, and Gilan all jumped up from their sitting positions to complain over a foul given to the team they must have been cheering for. Alyss took the opportunity and grabbed Will by his forearm. He jerked back, his eyes never leaving the TV.

“Will Treaty, look at me!!” She cried, almost sounding desperate. If Will was so consumed by football, what might happen? Would he ever become Will again? She swore to herself that once all of this was over, she was going to beat the ever-living shit out of Horace Altman.

Will turned, just for a brief moment, his eyes meeting Alyss’. He saw her. For just a moment, he saw her, and that was enough. She turned towards Pauline.

“We have to do something,” Alyss started.

“I’ve got it.” Pauline sounded tired rather than frustrated or worried. She stepped between the rangers, carefully placing her feet so that she wouldn’t touch the men. She wandered to the TV, leaned behind it, and waved her arm a few times as if searching for something. She pulled, and the TV shut off immediately.

“Hey!! We were just- Pauline?” Gilan was the first to speak, broken out of the trance. He looked around as though he had no idea where he was.

Halt was next, seeming a bit less confused. “How long was it?” He asked, rubbing his eyes. Will sat next to him, still staring at the blank screen. Halt shook the boy by his shoulder and he snapped out of it, looking around quickly.

Horace found his voice. “Less than an hour.”

“An hour? Doing what? What was that? Why is the TV off? Did you guys get the snacks?” Will asked, one question after another without giving Alyss the time to answer.

Pauline shook her head. “Never. Again.”

Horace, Gilan, Will, and Halt all nodded in unison. “Yes, ma’am.”

Chapter 2: Blonde Highlights

It was a Friday night. Halt was tired.

Will, on the other hand, had one of his best friends over. This meant that the house likely wouldn’t be quiet until some ungodly hour of the morning, further meaning that Halt probably wouldn’t be getting very much sleep.

Cassandra- nicknamed Evanlyn, Halt never knew which was used more since Will switched between the names so often- was a good kid. Extremely chaotic, charismatic, and loud, but a good kid nonetheless. She helped Will through school and her father was a good friend of his, so he had nothing against their sleepovers.

Cassandra was hanging out with Will upstairs in his room. They were planning the night, bringing up ideas from months ago that they wanted to bring to life. The conversation quickly went off-track, and Will ended up asking about her hair.

“Hey, what made you dye your hair?” Will wondered aloud. She had had her hair dyed since they were in middle school, the colors ranging from a bright pink to a dark purple and anywhere in between.

“I was mad at my dad. He was saying that I was too ‘young and immature’ to make certain decisions, and I wanted to prove him wrong.” Cassandra smiled, remembering the look on her father's face when she had hopped into the car to drive to the bus stop the next morning.

“Wow!! What’s been your favorite color?’

“Probably red. Oh, scratch that, it was the brown highlights I had for a little bit. I didn’t keep them because I impulsively dyed my hair again afterward, but I thought it looked so cool.” She paused, staring intently at Will’s hair.

“What?” He questioned, almost not wanting to know what his friend had in mind.

“Have you ever thought about dying your hair, Will?” Cassandra asked, not taking her eyes off of the boy’s brown curls.

“Absolutely not. Nope, we’re not doing that.” When Cassandra didn’t seem to respond, he tried to make an excuse. “Halt will kill me. And then you, right after. And then Gilan just for the hell of it.”

“Just blonde highlights. Like my brown ones, but blonde since you already have brown hair.” Suddenly, she ran to the other side of the room, digging through her bag. She was getting increasingly more frustrated, seeming to not find what she was looking for, until she let out an “Aha!!” and shot her hand up in triumph. In her hand was a clear bottle of a purple substance.

“Cassandra. No,” He started as she inched towards him. The bottle looked more like a knife at the moment, a weapon that Cassandra would probably be using against him pretty soon. “Please, you’re going to kill my hair.”

She scoffed. “My hair is absolutely fine. You’re so dramatic.”

Will took in his surroundings. He had to move quickly if he wanted to prevent Cassandra from getting any closer. She could back him into a corner at any moment and that would be the end. Without thinking, he sprinted to her right, making a break for the door. He heard a shout from behind him, but he kept running. He rushed down the stairs into the kitchen.

The island stood between the two teens. Cassandra still held the bleach in her hand, glaring at him. She was stubborn. She wouldn’t give up, no matter how long Will ran. Or how far.

So, he did the only thing he could think of.

“HALT!!!”

Cassandra nearly dropped the bleach, both in surprise at the sudden screaming and at the fact that he was calling his dad on her. Halt wasn’t the most friendly face, especially when he was angry.

Halt stepped into the kitchen, half awake. He walked past his son to where the coffee maker was situated next to the fridge. He took out a mug and began brewing his drink.

“Halt, you have to save me,” Will said quickly as Cassandra began to creep closer again.

“Do I, now? Why don’t you ask Gilan.” His voice was monotone as he leaned against the counter.

“Hey, Halt,” Cassandra said, using a voice that made her sound like an innocent child that could do no harm- That liar, Will thought to himself- “Would you be angry if Will came down tomorrow morning and had highlights?”

Halt considered it for a minute. He remembered when Gilan had tried to bleach his hair out of spite and it had turned out a bright yellow. But considering that Cassandra was here, and she had more experience than anyone with hair dye and bleach, he knew it wouldn’t turn out the same. The thought of Will’s curls being ruined by hair dryers and bleach almost made him change his mind, but it was too late in the night for him to truly care.

“Nope.”

“Great!!” Cassandra took the moment where Will stood, staring at his dad in shock, to her advantage. She leaped over the entire island, barely missing Will by an inch. He ran again, but now Cassandra was right behind him. Will made it up to his room again, locking the door. The doorhandle rattled and he could hear her groan. He let out a sigh of relief that he quickly wanted to take back when he heard her leave.

She wasn’t giving up. Whatever she had planned wasn’t going to be fun for Will, he knew that much.

He heard more footsteps, and eventually, another voice was at his door.

“Will? Will!” Gilan’s voice was a harsh whisper. “She’s gone!! I’m here to rescue you, open the door.”

Will hastily unlocked the door and opened it, enough to let his older brother through. Gilan stepped halfway in and-

Opened the door completely, letting Cassandra in. He held toner in his right hand.

Will should have known better, he realized a bit too late. Gilan lived for chaos, not to help him. He knew, deep down, it was too late for him. No matter what he said or did, the two of them were going to give him highlights.

“Sit down, Will. This might take a bit.” Cassandra spoke, sounding far too happy.

“Fine.”

*

“Oh my god, it’s perfect.” Cassandra was grinning.

“Cassandra, where were you when I bleached my hair!! His hair almost looks better than mine.” Gilan touched his hair, then shook his head. “Emphasis on almost.”

Will grabbed a lock of his hair and pulled it to where he could see it. She had dyed the ends all around his head. He was reluctant to admit that it actually looked pretty good. If he said that, she would never let him live it down.

“It’s alright.” Cassandra and Gilan stared him down. “Fine, fine. I lo- like it.” He quickly changed his words after seeing the satisfaction on Cassandra’s face.

She scoffed. “Sure. You know you love it, Will.”

Gilan let out a gasp that was far more dramatic than it needed to be. “Cassandra Rosalind!!” Her head turned to him quickly, an eyebrow raised.

“What?” At his evil giggling, she became impatient. “Gilan, what?”

“His hair is the perfect length.”

Cassandra stared at Gilan, then glanced at Will, who was now staring with horror. Her jaw dropped.

“Get me a hair tie, right now.” Gilan rushed out of the room and came back barely a second later. Cassandra practically snatched it out of his hand, stretching it out and preparing it.

“Whatever it is, no.”

“Whatever it is, yes,” Cassandra responded. Before Will could run away, Gilan cornered him. He was trapped. Again.

She bunched his hair up behind his head, leaving some of the front pieces, before tying it together. She lifted her hand up in Gilan’s direction, not taking her eyes off of his hair. Gilan did the same, high-fiving her.

“Manbun Will Treaty with highlights isn’t what I was expecting tonight, but I’m very okay with it.”

“I’ve wanted to do that for forever. ”

“You gave me a manbun?! ”

Notes:

me when they when i when they im when yes

Chapter 3: Secret Santa Hell

Notes:

did i struggle to write this? yes. was i peer pressured into finishing it in one night? also yes. merry Christmas to those who celebrate and enjoy the chaos

(this is not my best work i am so sorry in advance)

“‘Tis the night before Christmas, when all through the house…”

“WILLIAM TREATY! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT MY MUG?”

Will sighed, closing the book and patting Ebony on the head. The dog looked back at him with big eyes that Will could have sworn were full of sadness. “I know, I know. I’m sorry girl, but Gilan is an idiot and if I don’t go downstairs now, he’ll probably keep screaming until his lungs give out.”

He stood up from his seat on the dog bed and walked into the kitchen. It smelled of freshly made coffee and honey. He was met by Gilan looking him dead in the eyes, body crouched on the counter, and arms reaching to the top of the cabinets.

He began to speak when he promptly fell onto the floor.

Gilan let out a groan of pain from the tile. Will stepped closer, unsure if his brother needed help. He grabbed onto one of the bottom cabinet doors to lift himself and the door swung, causing him to fall again.

Wordlessly, Will stuck out his hand and Gilan took it. He muttered a quiet thank you before seeming to remember what he had called Will for in the first place. He pointed a finger at him accusingly.

“You! Where’s my coffee mug?”

Will sighed. “Gilan, why in the world would I-”

Their conversation was cut off by the quiet sound of footsteps behind them. He turned around to see Halt with a mug of hot coffee. He looked tired- as he usually did- and the two brothers immediately stopped their would-be argument and looked at their father, expecting him to say something.

Halt paused, glancing between Gilan’s bruised body and Will’s jacket, covered in dog hair, and decided to not ask any questions.

“Pauline wants everyone in the living room.”

“Wait, why-” Will began before Halt stopped him with a single hand raised.

“She’ll explain once you get there.” He motioned his hand for the two to leave. Reluctantly they shuffled out of the kitchen, Gilan making one last glance back for even a glimpse of his mug.

Once they were gone, Halt poured himself another cup.

 

*

 

Pauline had all of the kids sat down in a large circle in the living room. Although half of them weren’t her kids- Horace, Cassandra, and Alyss were all here to visit for the next few weeks. Their parents had business trips to tend to, and Pauline had agreed for Crowley and Halt to let the kids stay in their home. Although Halt had seemed reluctant, Crowley had been overjoyed and found space for the rest of the kids to sleep.

“I’ve brought you all together tonight because Crowley and I had a wonderful idea as to how to make this holiday season more special.”

Crowley nodded, his hand on her shoulder. Halt stood beside them both, watching the group of kids sat down on the floor and the couches.

“We were thinking of a Secret Santa!!” Crowley burst out, seemingly unable to keep the surprise to himself. Pauline looked towards her husband before confirming the idea for the rest of the group.

“Yes. We have a cup with pieces of paper that have everyone’s names on them. We’ll pass it around in a circle and whoever you get, you’ll find a gift for them. We plan on exchanging on Christmas.” She explained. Halt reached onto the small coffee table and picked up the cup, giving it a shake and handing it to his wife.

As the group nodded to themselves, Pauline drew first. She gave a small smile before handing it off to Alyss, who sat on the ground next to her. Alyss attempted to show little reaction to her Secret Santa, but couldn’t stop the similar smile on her face just as Pauline’s.

Alyss passed it to Horace. They continued to pass the cup around, each trying to form some kind of idea as to what to get their Secret Santa. Once the rotation was over, Pauline patted Crowley on the shoulder, waving over Halt. It was already late at night, but the three of them knew that with the amount of coffee the entirety of the children had drank it would be a while before they went to bed. It was mid winter-break anyway, and it was no use being strict with them. The three adults had planned a movie night and now was the perfect time.

Crowley turned on the TV and began playing a random Christmas movie, to which Gilan yelled out something about wanting to watch a different one, while everyone began to talk about their Secret Santas.

“I’m feeling quite confident with mine,” Alyss said.

“I’m screwed,” Will spoke with significantly less confidence. He had started to rack his brain for any idea what to get his Secret Santa, but nothing had come to mind.

“Not as screwed as me, I’m sure,” Horace chimed in.

“Oh, I’m sure you guys will figure something out. I already have a few ideas for mine.” Alyss continued.

“Honestly, sounds like a you problem. Could never be me.” Cassandra grinned, but it was clear she had no clue either. 

 

*

 

Horace, Cassandra, Will, and Alyss had all decided to go shopping together for their Secret Santa’s. The four of them agreed beforehand that no one would get word of each other’s ideas, and they split up almost as soon as they had walked in. Will had originally wanted to go out in search of Alyss, figuring that it was unlikely that the two of them had gotten each other. But when he looked around for the taller girl, he couldn’t find her. He had spotted Horace in the store and went to go talk to him, but he had stopped him before he had the chance.

“Unless you’re throwing up, bleeding, or the place is on fire, go find your own stuff for Secret Santa.” He said, and Will was convinced he wasn’t joking.

“What are you, an elementary school teacher?”

“If that means keeping my Secret Santa a secret , yes.”

Will decided that was his sign to get going.

He wandered the store- some niche place with a bit of everything- in search of anything that might help him. What do you get the man who never asks for anything? Will tried to think of any time that his Secret Santa had ever actually made it obvious he wanted something. He drew a blank and continued to feel sorry for himself until he found what must have been the most welcomed sight in his life.

The aisle in the store was entirely mugs. A lot of them had weird picturings or odd sayings on them, but it was perfect nonetheless. Will searched through every mug, losing hope once again. None of them seemed up to his standards. He wanted this gift to be perfect and feared letting everyone down.

His hope quickly rose again when he found the perfect one.

 

*

 

Alyss was looking at magazines when she was startled by a voice behind her.

“Heyyyy, Alyss…” Cassandra wandered a step closer to her friend.

“Cass, what are you doing? You realize that we’re meant to be separated, right?” Alyss questioned, an eyebrow raised.

She let out a sigh, looking up to meet Alyss’s face. “Yeah, I know. I got bored and am kind of struggling, so I wanted to see what you’re up to.”

 Alyss hummed, looking back down at the magazine in her hand. There was something else going on, she knew. But it wasn’t worth letting Cassandra know that she knew.

She could feel Cassandra’s eyes boring into her back. She could see in her peripheral vision that the girl was now swaying on her feet, humming. She let out a sigh that was a bit louder than it probably needed to be before turning to the other girl.

“What else, Cass?”

“Well, I was just wondering, do you have anything planned for your Secret Santa yet?” Her hand rolled as she talked as if trying to not make the question a big deal.

“Who hired you to give away information?”

“What? No one hired me.”

“It was Gilan, wasn’t it?”

“It was Gilan.”

 

*

“Yes, perfect. Can you also add in parenthesis ‘and my husband’?”

Will could hear Gilan’s voice from across the store. He hadn’t even realized that his brother was at the store until that moment. He took his opportunity while he knew Gilan was distracted to make his way closer.

“That’s great! Thank you so much for your help.” His voice was louder and more clear now. Will could see him standing at some sort of station speaking to a short man with a mustache. The man held a white shirt with some sort of design, handing it off to Gilan.

Gilan turned to leave and found Will blocking his way.

“How are you already done?” He asked, trying to sound innocent. It didn’t seem to work.

“What are you even doing here? I thought none of you knew about this place!” Gilan spoke quickly, hiding the shirt behind his back. Will lept towards him, trying to grab it.

“Hey! What the hell is wrong with you?!” Gilan tugged it back from the younger boy. They continued like this for a minute, each pulling in a separate direction. Eventually, Will won.

“I heart my wife, and husband? Who’s this for?” Will asked, although he already had a guess.

“Halt,” Gilan said, a bit too quickly. Will raised an eyebrow.

“Really? Because I got Crowley.” He lied. Suddenly an idea appeared in his head. “Hey, if we both got Crowley and Halt, do you think I could get him one of those shirts, too?”

Gilan thought for a moment. “I mean, I don’t see why not. What did you get your Secret Santa so far?”

“Eh, you know. Stuff he would like.”

“You liar.” Will might have thought he was talking about his gift progress, but he knew it was about the Secret Santa itself by his tone.

“Hey, you lied first.” Will shrugged, walking over to the station where Gilan had gotten his shirt. “Sir, is it possible for me to get a copy of this shirt?” He handed it to the man who nodded and wandered off. Will turned to Gilan and grinned.

“This is going surprisingly well for me.”

 

*

 

On Christmas day, the house woke up and buzzed with excitement. Coffee was brewed and breakfast was made and taken to the living room. Before opening the rest of the presents under the tree, they decided to begin passing around their Secret Santa gifts. Seeing everyone else’s reluctance to go first, Alyss began.

She stood up, holding her gift. She began to walk towards Cassandra, to which the room erupted into cheers. Then she immediately turned around, grinning at the confusion, and handing the gift to Will.

Will glanced up at her, already digging into the gift. “You were my Secret Santa, Alyss?” He ripped away the wrapping paper, tossing it onto the ground. He pulled out a box with the image of some brick pieces all put together to make a building. Will grinned, nodding his thanks. “How did you know I love Legos? This is perfect!” He sat admiring the Star Wars set that Alyss had gifted him.

“Oh, nothing. Just the fifteen finished Lego sets on your shelves, Will.” She smiled at him, sitting back down in her seat. Will stood up with his gift next, walking towards Halt, before Gilan cried out.

“Wait, Will, don’t you think we should give ours at the same time?” His eyes widened as he glanced between Crowley and Halt. Will nodded hastily and Gilan ran up to him. They both handed their gifts in at the same time, a look of confusion on both of their Secret Santa’s faces.

Crowley and Halt opened their gifts, both seeing the identical shirts with the text “I <3 my wife (and husband).” The two of them looked between the two boys, Halt with an eyebrow raised.

“Wow, would you believe that, Will? They got the same gift! That’s such a crazy coincidence.” Gilan coughed into his arm.

“Wow, Gilan, you’re right! That’s so weird!” Will responded, also coughing into his arm. Then he motioned to the other part of Halt’s gift. “I tried to get you something nice, but I had no idea what you would want and so I hope that’s okay and I-” He spoke quickly before he noticed Halt’s frown. “Halt? What’s wrong? I’m sorry if you don’t like it, I just didn’t-”

Halt looked up from the “World’s Best Dad” mug in his hands with tears in his eyes. He simply nodded before turning around, and Crowley decided to take the initiative and get the attention off of his husband. He handed his gift to Cassandra, who excitedly tore it open. She was pleasantly surprised by the Lovejoy and Arctic Monkey’s vinyls that he had gifted her.

Cassandra stood and handed off her gift to Alyss. She was startled by the lack of surprise from her.

“Are you not shocked that I was your Secret Santa?” Cassandra asked. Alyss didn’t look up at her while she opened the gift.

“Sorry, Cass, but you were painfully obvious. That doesn’t mean that I’m not happy about it, though.” She added the last bit quickly after the look that Cassandra had given her. Alyss smiled at the hand-made bracelets she had made her and the bandanas in the bag. She nodded her thanks, and Cassandra sat back down.

Halt, now having recovered from his son’s gift, handed off his gift to Gilan. The whole group laughed as he revealed a mug that said “If laughter is the best medicine, everyone around me is sick.” Gilan exclaimed something about it being “old person humor” and “not even remotely accurate,” but it was clear he appreciated the gift.

With only Pauline and Horace left, the two traded their gifts. Pauline was delighted to see the new journal and calligraphy pens that Horace had bought her. Horace was equally happy at the sports jersey of his favorite player.

With the gift exchanges done, the family sat in the living room in comfortable conversation. Will began building his legos, and Horace and Crowley had put on their new shirts. Crowley pleaded with Halt to put on his, and despite it taking a few minutes, after a stern look from Pauline, he eventually gave in. Pauline practiced with her new pens, Cassandra carefully unpacked her vinyls, and Alyss put her hair up in a new bandana.

Even with the challenges they had all faced, they agreed to do it all again next year.