Work Text:
SEPTEMBER 24, 2016
My family’s Disney World vacation was going really well. We hit all of the major attractions that mattered, which were all of the ones with a big drop: Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, the Hall of Presidents, and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. But I was really looking forward to the late afternoon, when we had been baking in the Florida heat long enough that I could finally justify leaving the rest of the group to ride Splash Mountain until the sun went down. It’s my favorite part of any family vacation. I expected to see the animatronic fox, but I didn’t expect him to address me by name and tell me he was going to marry my dad. I certainly didn’t expect him to do it five times.
1. The Time the Animatronic Fox Made Eye Contact with Me
I like a lot of parts of Splash Mountain. The music is catchy, the air is dark and cool, and I enjoyed watching the animatronics sing and dance before the animatronic fox stopped doing his preprogrammed routine to tell me he was going to marry my dad. After that, I didn’t enjoy much of the ride. But then we went over the big drop at the end, and it was all worth it.
2. The Time the Animatronic Fox Kept Talking about How Long the Wedding Would Take When He Married my Dad
I got right back in line after I rode Splash Mountain the first time. I love a big drop, and Splash Mountain has one of the best ones. I also thought the animatronic fox would be content to tell me that he was going to marry my dad. I didn’t think he would tell me so much about the wedding.
I don’t want my dad to get down on his knees and thank Christ for making his wedding to the robot fox so long. My dad always said that I could have Jesus if he could have God, so he has never prayed to Christ. It won’t be fair if he has God and Christ and the animatronic fox, but at least I will always have the big drop at the end of Splash Mountain.
3. The Time the Animatronic Fox Told Me that He Was Going to Wear My Clothes when He Married My Dad
I had started to expect the animatronic fox to speak to me from his set positions along the ride. The animatronic fox could sense that I was getting wise to his tricks, so he popped out of the middle of the water to tell me more about marrying my dad. I asked the people on the log boat behind mine if they cared about the delay, but they just told me to listen to the animatronic fox because he was giving me important details about my dad’s wedding.
When I got out of the ride, I imagined how the animatronic fox would look in my clothes. Unfortunately, they fit him very well. I think the animatronic fox will borrow a lot of my clothes because he only has one outfit. I don’t want to share my clothes with him, especially since he is marrying my dad. I was so upset at the thought that I reported the animatronic fox to the first employee I saw. But the employee working the line wasn’t helpful at all.
4. The Time the Fox’s Voice Came Out of the Animatronic Goose
When the employee in line didn’t do anything about the animatronic fox, I knew there was nothing to do but drown my sorrows in a big drop. I got right back in line again. I told everyone around me to watch out for the animatronic fox in case he decided to marry other riders’ dads, but everyone told me, “The animatronic fox is only a danger to the animatronic rabbit, Ryan.” I don’t know how they knew my name, but they didn’t tell me they were going to marry my dad, so I didn’t worry about it.
The employee working the line shook his head when it was my turn to get on. “Back again?” he asked. “I just can’t resist the big drop at the end,” I said. He said, “I know. It’s a really fun drop.” And then I got in a log boat and it carried me away.
Jesus Christ once told me that dried beans can keep devils away, so I threw pinto beans at the animatronic fox every time we passed it. It worked for a while, but then the animatronic goose spoke in the animatronic fox’s voice and told me there would be no refreshments at the wedding. After that, I just ate the beans.
5. The Time an Animatronic Model of My Dad Appeared Next to the Fox
The sun had gone down, and I was very wet from riding Splash Mountain four times, so I went back to my family’s hotel room. Everyone was talking about how excited they were for the wedding. I asked them when they found out that the animatronic fox was going to marry my dad, and they said my dad had told them weeks ago.
I tried calling my dad, but his voicemail greeting just said, “Sorry, I can’t take any calls from my son Ryan right now. I’m getting ready for my wedding to the animatronic fox.” I left a message telling him that I was very disappointed that I had heard about the wedding from the animatronic fox instead of my dad. After that, I called Jesus Christ, but he didn’t pick up the phone either.
I told myself I would never ride Splash Mountain again, but on the last day of our vacation, the sun was really hot, and the water in Splash Mountain looked very cold, and I knew that the big drop was a lot of fun. I got in line one last time.
The animatronic model of my dad was a big surprise. It was probably very expensive for the fox to make. I tried to complain to the animatronic fox that if he had an animatronic model of my dad, he didn’t need to marry the real thing. Then the animatronic model of my dad burst into flames, and I supposed the animatronic fox didn’t have any other options.
My feelings were really hurt that I was not allowed inside the church to watch the animatronic fox marry my dad, so I got back in line so I could complain to the animatronic fox about it. But when I got into the line, the employee I had talked to the day before said, “Sorry, Ryan, but the animatronic fox says you can’t ride Splash Mountain anymore.” I said, “But what about the big drop?” And the employee said, “The big drop belongs to the animatronic fox now.”
6. The Time the Animatronic Fox Actually Married My Dad
When I came home from the family vacation, three of my favorite shirts and both of my pairs of well-fitting jeans were missing. I knew I would never get my Houston Astros “MLB’s Most Honest Team” t-shirt back from the animatronic fox. I was offended that the animatronic fox wasn’t even going to wear a suit or a tuxedo to his wedding with my dad. I hoped that my dad wouldn’t be too embarrassed by it.
Back in the kitchen, my mom was preparing bowls of warm water for herself and my sister to bring to the wedding. “Sorry, Ryan,” my mother said, “but the animatronic fox said you weren’t invited to the wedding, so I can’t make you a bowl of warm water.” I said, “Mom, that’s not going to be enough food. The wedding is going to be very long,” but she just said, “I know. That’s why the bowls are so big.”
We drove separately to the church where the wedding was being held. My mom and sister parked in the spaces for the invited guests, while I was directed to park my car off a dirt road that led halfway into the woods before ending in a clearing with a fairy circle in it. I parked my car in the middle of the fairy circle because I knew that if the fairies came for me, it might ruin the wedding. Knowing that the animatronic fox would hate that, I walked back to the church.
By the time I got there, the wedding was already in full swing, and all the doors were locked. I looked in through the window. Sure enough, standing at the altar was my dad in a wedding dress and the animatronic fox in all three of my t-shirts and both pairs of jeans. I banged on the glass, yelling “That’s not wedding attire, those are just my t-shirts,” but no one seemed to notice. Everyone had a bowl of warm water from home in their laps, and occasionally they sipped from them elegantly.
Everyone spoke very slowly, and the wedding was very long, but all of the guests seemed happy to be there. When the animatronic fox and my dad said “I do,” everyone threw the warm water from their bowls into the air. I thought it was very silly for them to get so wet without even getting to go down a big drop. But everyone smiled and started dancing to the catchy music from Splash Mountain.
I walked toward my dad to congratulate him on his wedding, but my mom pulled me aside and said, “Not now, Ryan. Your dad is preparing for his honeymoon with the animatronic fox. Now that they’re each other’s wives, your dad won’t have time for you anymore.” I stepped aside, and the animatronic fox and my dad got into a car with “Just Married” written on the windows in motor oil and drove away. Jesus Christ came out of the church and offered me a bag of unpopped popcorn, but I told him I was too sad to be hungry, so he ate it himself. I asked him if he would come with me to a ride with a bigger drop than Splash Mountain, but he said, “There is no bigger drop than Splash Mountain,” and I knew he was right.