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Hannah Denns was sweating buckets by the time soccer practice came to an end. It was early-May, eighty-eight degrees Fahrenheit and four in the afternoon after an excruciatingly long day of classes, study hall in a library with a broken AC and then two hours of merciless soccer practice, running laps until her, admittedly black lungs, gave out. Usually, she would have been complaining to her friends about this day for hours. Hannah had a skill for talking without interruptions and complaining about every single thing that caused her discomfort, but right now, despite her shirt clinging to the sweat on her skin and causing it to itch like a bitch, she could not have been happier in life, because she was there, too.
Robin Buckley. Nerdy, pretty, clumsy, awkward, perfect Robin Buckley was stretching her arms in the middle of the soccer pitch, the green, white and yellow shirt of her uniform riding up as she did so, revealing a perfect few inches of soft stomach right above the low waistband of her shorts that sat so perfectly Hannah, the goalie of the team of the Hawkins High girls soccer team did forget about the ball completely anytime Robin stood anywhere close to the goal. In other words, Hannah was whipped, undeniably, and irrevocably whipped.
Just like Hannah, Robin had been in band since freshman year, playing the trumpet while Hannah was on the drums. Well, drum, singular. Just like Hannah, Robin had decided to join the soccer team for her senior year, to add another extracurricular to her college application. Just like Hannah, Robin had two left feet and was a disaster on the field, which led to Hannah standing in the goal, while Robin was playing fullback. They were both massive, hopeless losers. Perfect for each other, in Hannah’s humble opinion. Made for each other, even. There was just one teeny tiny problem, being that Robin barely seemed to know Hannah existed.
Well, of course, she kind of knew Hannah existed. Same kindergarten, same elementary school, same middle school, same high school, same goddamn classes and fucking marching band and soccer team, but Robin, if even as gay as Hannah convinced herself, only had eyes for Vickie Donovan. Completely understandably so, after all, who doesn’t like a cute redhead who looks like she belongs on the poster for “Pretty in Pink”?
So Robin was standing there, the hair that had come loose and escaped her ponytail sticking to her wet skin, a bruise on her knee from tripping over the ball in an attempt to kick it, and her face red and puffy from exhaustion. She finished swinging her arms through the air and started collecting the balls from the field, dragging the net they belonged in behind her through the plastic grass, and Hannah wanted to be helpful. She picked up the ball that lay abandoned in her goal, let it bounce off the ground and kicked it over to Robin, while yelling “Buckley, incoming!” right before it nearly knocked Robin off her feet with the force it landed in her face.
“Oh shit-“ Hannah started running, well, her version of running anyways with small steps, one of her knees cramping up as always “Shit, shit, shit-“ she arrived next to Robin who was keeping her hand pressed to her cheek and let out a quiet grunt.
“What the hell did you do that for Denns?” she was rubbing her cheek with a massive, disgruntled pout on her always beautiful, always a perfect dark cherry shade of red lips. She wasn’t crying or anything, but she did have some tears collecting in the corners of her eyes and tried her best to blink them away and Hannah wanted to kick herself in the face, hard enough to induce a coma that would last until all this embarrassment was washed away, hence, for all eternity.
“I am so sorry, Robin, so, so, so sorry!” she helplessly put a hand on Robin’s back and then pulled it away quickly, worrying a little too much about just how gay that touch could seem, and then put it back because who on earth would consider a girl consoling another girl a queer activity. Her hand moved back and forth a few times, torn by the deep routed fear of accidentally outing herself to a potential straight, and the need to let the potential gay know just how absolutely sorry she was. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just- I just wanted to help but I’m really bad at sports- I’ll get you an ice pack and- and-“
“It’s fine.” Robin sounded mildly annoyed, but she waved her hand and forced a smile. “It’s not that bad. Just surprised me and, I mean, it didn’t exactly feel good.”
“Right, yeah- I’m a total doofus anyway.” Hannah shook her head and slapped the side of it with the palm of her hand.
“Yeah, you kinda are.” And then, Robin smiled at her. Like an actual smile. A genuine, friendly, amused smile and Hannah felt herself melt away at the realization that she had her alone. She and Robin Buckley were alone, standing close enough for limbs to potentially, accidentally, brush against each other.
“I’ll still totally get you an icepack-“
“Seriously, it’s fine. Just help me collect the other balls without attacking me with any more of them and we’re fine.”
Hannah nodded, a long, meaningful nod and held out her hand, with the desperate need for Robin to accept it, just to know what her skin felt like “Deal.”
Robin shook, and Hannah wanted to explode. Both their hands were warm and clammy, and yet she couldn't help but feel like on cloud nine feeling the soft, smooth skin of Robin's palm against her own, with the tingle of her finger firmly wrapping around her hand realistically having the ability to bring her back to life. “Deal.”
Hannah jogged around the field, collecting the last few balls from the corners they had disappeared into and carefully rolled them over to Robin, working up the courage to do something absolutely insane as she did that. “So…” she took a deep breath and walked up to the other girl, who was pulling her knee socks down to her ankles to take off the shin pads from underneath them. “It’s kind of hot, huh?”
“Uh yeah, kind of.” Robin wiped some sweat from her brow and pulled her socks back up to her knees.
“Yeah, so,” Hannah tried to look casual and followed Robin’s example of removing the itching shin guards. “I mean, I don’t know if you have plans or anything but I- I was thinking about going to Benny’s Burger… for milkshakes, y’know and- if you don’t have any- I figured, hey, ask Robin if she wants to go, maybe we could-“
“Sounds good,” Robin raised her hand slightly to shut Hannah up. “but I have plans already and ah-“ she looked over to the edge of the field and pointed over to the boy walking up to them, waving his stupid hand. “Speak of the devil, there he is.”
-
“Steve Fucking Harrington!” Hannah dropped onto Eddie’s mattress, taking a long drag from the joint she had just lit while he sat down in his chair, picking up his nearest guitar and their friend Jamie plopped onto the bed beside Hannah, stealing the joint from her hand. “Robin is dating Steve the hair Harrington. I want to die.”
“Bullshit.” Muttered Eddie, plucking a few chords on his acoustic, the other joint of the round between his lips.
“Oh and how would you know that?”
“I have inside information.” Eddie looked up from what his fingers were doing, playing a simple chord progression. “Dustin Henderson, who much to my misfortune hardly ever shuts up about awesome Steve Harrington. And the latest update, as of yesterday evening, is that Harrington’s dating life is a nightmare, and that he still refuses to date his ‘super awesome friend Robin’. Dustin might not know why, but Jamie, you and I, we can all agree it’s because she’s a big, fat, Kafka-loving lesbian.”
Hannah raised her head a little, reanimated by that small glimmer of hope “You really think so? Dustin really said that?”
“Word for word.” Promised Eddie.
“Because, if you remember, your gaydar was terribly off on Nancy Wheeler, and she ended up tonguing Harrington for like a year.”
“To be fair,” Eddie raised his hands, guitar pick between his fingers “that friendship with Barb threw me off.” His hand returned to the guitar and he added a strumming pattern to his chords, nodding to himself.
“That sounds nice.” Said Jamie, passing the joint back to Hannah and picking up Eddie’s cheaper practice guitar from his bedside. He had been trying to teach her how to play for a while now, and even though she was slowly improving, she was strictly forbidden from touching his sweetheart, also known as the BC Rich Warlock. Something to do with her boiling anger issues and a sensory need to destroy.
“So you’re just going to stay out of the Harrington conversation?” said Eddie, before twisting his torso so that Jamie could see which chords he was playing, who followed by plucking the scales to each one.
“If you ask me, Steve should die in a ditch, cold and unloved, and if Robin is as much as friends with him, she should see a neurologist to get her brain checked out, because there must be something seriously wrong with her in order to tolerate his presence. Same goes for Dustin, by the way.” She looked up and flashed a thin-lipped smile.
“Helpful.” Said Eddie and looked back at Hannah taking his dead joint from between his lips and placing it in the ashtray on his desk. “Robin Buckley is not interested in men, I give you my word.”
“Steve hardly qualifies as a man.” Huffed Jamie, pulling one of the strings a little too hard and making Eddie wince.
“You’re in timeout, doll.” He said watching her hands carefully, making sure the strings would survive the day.
“Just saying he’s a dickhead.”
“Every person in this room is highly aware of that.” Reminded Eddie. His left hand slid up a few frets of his guitar and he played a new chord, nodding over to her “Try coming up with a riff for that and stop thinking about Harrington. He’s not worth the wrinkles.”
Jamie’s hand shot up to feel her forehead before she relaxed her eyebrows and looked back at the guitar, plucking a few strings, trying to come up with a melody that didn’t sound like ass. Hannah felt herself relax a little deeper into Eddie’s mattress, smoking the rest of the joint blissfully until her limbs went numb. Robin was single. She had to believe it. Robin was single, Robin was gay, and sure, maybe that meant Robin was in love with Vickie Donovan, but it also meant that Hannah had a chance. Or at least the resemblance of a chance. Vickie goddamn Donovan, pretty, cute, perfect Vickie Donovan. It didn’t take long for Hannah’s relaxation to seep away and be replaced by the need to scream, throw herself at Vickie and rip her throat out with her bare teeth.
She heard Eddie say something about beer through the jealousy and weed clouding her mind and held a thumbs up, before rolling to her side to watch Jamie pick the strings of the electric guitar in her lap with the angry crease reappearing between her eyebrows. She was lucky enough to be one of those girls that was just pretty. Even with her hair dyed a ratty black and cut into a mop resembling curly shag, she still had that thing she had always had, dewy skin, big lips, big eyes framed by long lashes, straight nose and the perfect jawline to really bring it all together. She didn’t have to worry about her too expensive prescription glasses making her look like a bug-eyed dork, or about acne flare-ups messing up her entire appearance anytime anything important came up. Sometimes Hannah didn’t know whether she wanted to be with pretty girls like her or strangle them.
“What would you do?” she said quietly and Jamie glanced down at her.
“What do you mean?”
“If you liked Robin, and wanted to ask her out… how would you do that?”
Jamie just shrugged “I have no clue… the only girl I’ve ever hooked up with came up to me, and the environment was nothing like the homophobic hellscape that is Hawkins.”
“Okay, so how do you ask out guys?”
“I-“ Jamie thought for a moment. “Actually I have never done that either… I don’t know Hannah, it’s difficult, okay? I ignore people until they come up to me. Maybe just drop a hint or something. Like, let her know that you play for team Dorothy in a subtle way that won’t have you tarred and feathered if it goes sideways.”
Eddie returned to his room with a few cans of beer in his arms and handed them out, jumping onto the mattress as well, pulling Hannah’s head into his lap to make up some space for him to sit.
“Eddie, how do you ask out girls?” she said, lifting her head a little further, popping open her can and taking a sip of beer.
“I don’t.” he shook his head, nearly bursting out laughing. “I play the guitar and hope that one day a desperate, lonely, metal-appreciating girl stumbles into the Hideout and falls in love with me.”
Hannah rolled her eyes “So how do you ask out boys?”
“I don’t.” he repeated. “I play the guitar and hope that one day a-“
“Okay, I get it.” Her head dropped back and she let out a frustrated grunt “You two are really great help.”
“Well, crazy idea,” said Eddie. “But just flirt with her.”
Jamie let out a shrill laugh in response and started playing the Crazy Train riff “Yeah, Hannah, just flirt with her. Nothing could go wrong there.”
“Oh give me a break.” Moaned Eddie, gently hitting the back of her head “As if a straight girl would even pick up on her flirting. They do that all the time, make out with each other every chance they get, hold hands, call each other babe and get undressed in front of one another. But Robin’s a total fruit, so she’ll pick up on it and be over the moon because she finally found another queer girl, and then they’ll fall in love, move into some cottage and boom, happy ending.”
Hannah closed her eyes and smiled absently. Eddie was talking a load of bullshit, but her ‘living in a cottage with Robin Buckley’ fantasy was a beautiful little undisturbed safe space in her mind, with flowers, ducks and sheep and a pretty, pretty girlfriend.
“You’re doing it wrong.” Said Eddie and Hannah opened one eye to see him rearrange Jamie’s fingers on the fretboard. “Better flow this way. And your right hand is cramping up again.” They could both see the dark murderous twinkle in Jamie’s eyes that meant a storm was coming and Eddie quickly took his guitar from her, handing her another joint instead and lighting it for her. “You’ll get there, don’t worry.” He muttered in a soothing tone and squeezed her free hand.
Hannah always found a strange way of comfort in the way that all three of them were total screw-ups. Sure, the rest of the Hellfire Club were a bunch of losers as well, unpopular and the victims of neverending harassment and bullying, but the three of them, Hannah, Eddie and Jamie were on a whole other level. If they didn't have each other to keep them sane, they'd probably all be locked up in the same mental hospital where Hannah had spent half her first Sophomore year. Talk about the teenage dream.
-
The next day, Hannah was in her usual spot, recovering from a mild hangover under the school's bleachers, drinking her Coke and listlessly chewing on the dry sandwich her mother had packed for her lunch, all while working on her algebra homework. She was good at maths, usually, that is, even had a few different algebra tutoring gigs, but right now her head was booming from the heat and the too many beers from the previous evening, and she struggled to make sense of the equations floating around on her worksheet, and then something happened that made her lose all concentration.
"Hey, Hannah." Robin appeared seemingly out of nowhere, her hands reaching up to hold on to the bench above their head as she leaned over a little, swinging her long, lanky frame back and forth. She looked ridiculously good again, her short bob was especially fluffy today, and she was definitely wearing lipgloss, if Hannah had to guess, probably cherry flavour with just a hint of glitter. God, she wanted to find out if it was really cherry-flavoured. "Are you busy?"
Hannah slammed her algebra book shut without another thought and shook her head, awkwardly stumbling to her feet, trying to take a cool pose against a pole holding up the bleachers. "No, not at all. What's up?"
Robin looked awkward, more awkward than usual, with a shy smile pulling the corners of her mouth "I just wanted to say sorry, uh, for yesterday."
"You?" Hannah laughed quietly and stared at Robin's face, noticing a subtle red bruise from where Hannah had hit her with the ball. "I'm sorry for doing that to you." she pointed at the spot on her cheek. "What on earth do you have to be sorry for?"
Robin rubbed her cheek in response with a sly grin "Oh that, that's not even that big of a deal." She drew a quiet breath. "I didn't mean like dramatically sorry. I mean, don't get me wrong, I did mean to say sorry, I just didn't mean it like, a super duper big sorry, just a little sorry. For blowing you off, yesterday? I mean, not really blowing you off, just that I didn't have time, I mean I'm sure you didn't even care, right? Just, y'know, I mean, I would've liked to go to Benny's. It was really nice of you to offer, I feel like I didn't really bring that across yesterday... like, I did appreciate you asking, and I would've liked to but I had work, and that's- I mean that's why Steve picked me up, because we work together, and otherwise I would've liked to go, but obviously, yesterday I couldn't and I just, y'know, wanted to say sorry for that and-" she stopped and put her fingers against her mouth, her brows furrowed. "Sorry... word-vomit."
Hannah kept staring at her like some kind of freak of nature, wrapping her head around what was happening. Simply put, Robin was nervous. Robin Buckley was actually nervous talking to Hannah, and Hannah's mind went wild with trying to find reasons for Robin's sudden nervosity, hoping it would sum up to her being hopelessly in love with her and ready to run off into the sunset together. "It's totally cool." she managed after a few moments. "I mean, I just figured it would be like... I mean, I thought, because it's hot and all, I could buy you a milkshake to apologize for seriously injuring you."
Robin laughed at the last part and felt her cheek again "Yeah, I mean, I was gonna sue you for maiming me and all, but then I remembered I can't actually afford that, so you got lucky this time." she stared at her feet, kicking one of them back and forth and turned a little redder than before. "Sorry, that was a joke."
"Yeah, I got that." Hannah smiled back at her.
"Okay, good." Robin nodded faintly and continued staring at her feet, brows furrowed and the gears in her head visibly turning. "So... what I actually wanted to ask... before I talked your ear off, that is, is... I mean, I don't have work today so I-" She closed her mouth and stared up at the metal bench above her head, trying desperately to avoid looking directly at Hannah, who was about ready to break into dance.
"Do you maybe want to go to Benny's today then?" it burst out of her before she had a chance to make a question seem nonchalant. "I mean... because I still sorta owe you. It's chill... whatever." she cringed a little at herself.
"Yeah." Robin finally let go of the bleachers above and put her hands together to let her fingers fidget with her rings. "I think that could be fun."
"Awesome." Hannah's voice had gone up an octave, and she tried desperately to push through the violent wave of adrenaline and euphoria without embarrassing herself beyond salvation. "Cool, cool, cool, cool, that's cool, so, you wanna go after school? Or later, or whenever, I mean, I've got my mom's car today, I can totally drive, literally whenever you want, we can go right after sixth period, or I can pick you up later if you want, whatever, whenever, I'm free all day and-"
"After school's fine." interrupted Robin. She seemed familiar with helpless ramblings that led to more and more ramblings and had the beautiful human decency to stop them from getting out of hand. She smiled faintly, digging the toe of her shoe into the ground, her fingers playing with the thin chain that connected the ring on her middle finger to a bracelet, something so incredibly hot that Hannah could stare at it forever. Robin already had perfect hands, but adorned with rings and a chain? Yeah, that had to be every lesbian's dream come true. "I have English during the sixth period... I could meet you out front?"
"Perfect, yeah, cool."
"It's a da- a scheduled hangout then." Robin smiled and did her cute little signature salute, bringing two fingers to her forehead before turning around and running off, leaving Hannah standing with a dry mouth, a spinning head, and her feet feeling the muscle memory of childhood tap dancing lessons. "Holy shit." she walked a few tight circles, grabbing her hair with both hands and staring at the ground in utter disbelief.
"Holy shit- holy shit, holy shit!" she carelessly shoved her stuff into her bag and started running, into the school, down the hallway, nearly falling down the stairs as she took too many steps at once to get to the basement and crashed through the door of the Hellfire Club room, jumping up and down waiting for everyone inside to notice her, which took about a millisecond and Eddie quickly turning off the music from his boombox.
"You okay?" he got up with a faint look of concern, walking toward Hannah, but she was grinning so widely that he stopped dead in his tracks. "What happened?"
"I think she asked me out."
"Who?"
"What do you think who?" she shook her head in disbelief. "Robin. The Robin. One and only beautiful, angelic, perfect Robin Buckley, she just came up to me and asked if I wanted to go to Benny's with her today, and I said yes, and we're going after school, and I don't know what that means, I mean, is that a date? Do you consider that a date? Because when I asked her yesterday, my idea was definitely a date, and now she asked, and I think she was like, asking me out, which doesn't even make sense, because, if she's into girls, she's into Vickie, but she's getting milkshakes with me, not Vickie, and we usually don't even take that much, like if we were friends it would be different, it would just be a hangout hangout, and like, yeah she did call it a hangout, but I think she was gonna say 'date' like I'm so sure I heard her almost say it, so I think I'm going on a date today and I don't know what to do, I am freaking out and-"
"Woah, woah, woah." Eddie put his hands on her shoulders. "Breathe, relax, calm down." Hannah tried her hardest to take a full breath, her head spinning with the new anxiety in her veins overwhelming her.
"Need an inhaler?" offered Jamie halfheartedly, already reaching for her pocket but Hannah shook her head in response.
"No, I need to know what to do. I need to know what to say, how I should act and... oh god, I'm gonna mess this up. I don't even know why she would ask me in the first place... and then she's gonna see what a mess I am and she's never gonna talk to me again. And then she's probably going to turn out to be straight after all, and like, dating Harrington, and he's gonna kill me for making a move on his girlfriend and-"
"Bullshit." replied Eddie.
"Yeah, bullshit." confirmed Jamie. She opened her mouth to say something else, probably another hateful comment regarding Steve Harrington but she shut her mouth and seemed to think the better of it before relaxing her face and saying something else instead. "Robin is definitely not straight. Not to stereotype her or anything, but, y'know, look at her. And maybe she had a crush on Vickie, but Vickie does in fact have a boyfriend, so maybe Robin is over that, and realized you're a total catch, and is hoping to make a move on you today."
"I'm not a catch though." muttered Hannah, sounding miserable.
"Uh yeah, you are." Jamie crossed her arms and gently kicked Hannah. "A total fucking catch. You're like the nerdy kind of hot, like when they put a total smoke show in a movie but give her glasses to try and make her look awkward, but nobody buys it and everybody knows she's a babe... like Charlie, in Top Gun."
"Exactly." agreed Eddie. "I'd totally go for you if you weren't a lesbian."
"Ugh gross." Hannah scrunched up her face and Jamie reached over to slap Eddie's arm. He shrugged in response and turned the music back on, lowering the volume just a little before sitting back on his makeshift throne where he folded his hands together and looked across the table with an insulted frown. Sometimes he really did look like what people called him. When the golden light from outside shone on him in just the right way and illuminated the outer frame of his thick curls like a flaming halo, he could have been more than just a satanic cult leader. He could have been the king of hell himself.
"You just need some confidence." Jamie was looking back at Hannah, tugging on the hair ties keeping her pigtails together. She began undoing Hannah's hair until it fell loose and heavy, and most importantly, completely volumeless over her shoulders.
"What, you wanna do some extravagant makeover so that Robin definitely knows I think it's a date the second she sees me?"
"No." Jamie rolled her eyes. "But it's so, so hot outside... and your hair was annoying you, so you put it up and put on a clean shirt from your locker because you were getting a little sweaty." she stepped behind Hannah and began piling her hair up, tying it together until it sat in a loose bun on top of her head. She leaned over and whispered, "You have a long, pretty neck, you show that shit."
Hannah's face was starting to burn up again, she wanted the ground to swallow her whole to escape the deep burning feeling of humiliation she was feeling. "I don't have a shirt in my locker though."
"Yeah, I know." Jamie opened her bag and pulled out a black, short-sleeved, button-up shirt she usually wore when she was waiting tables at Enzo's.
"God this is stupid." muttered Hannah, accepting the shirt and stuffing it into her own bag. "She probably really just felt bad for blowing me off yesterday, and asked me to Benny's out of pity."
"Maybe." Jamie shrugged, and pulled a tinted chapstick from one of her jacket pockets and handed it to Hannah. "But maybe you're finally getting lucky today, so pop a mint and stop being so negative."
"Yeah." agreed Eddie. "You put that negative shit out into the universe, it's gonna stick."
"At the very most, it's ruining your mood, then your vibe, and Robin's gonna think you don't dig her." Jamie put her hands on Hannah's shoulders, still standing behind her and rubbed them for a moment. "Relax, be cool, don't overthink it. If you do that, the worst thing that can happen is that you gain another friend by the end of the day."
Hannah nodded to herself, taking a deep breath and leaning her head back to look up at Jamie "Yeah... okay."
-
Hannah walked out of her classroom a little before the end of the lesson, excusing herself by saying she needed to pick up her little brother for his bible study, and quickly made her way to one of the girl's bathrooms, changing into Jamie's shirt and putting on the cherry chapstick before staring at herself for a good few minutes, flicking her glasses up and down, and trying to convince herself that maybe she actually did have some similarities with Charlie from Top Gun. A younger dorkier Kelly McGillis, she told herself and splashed some cold water into her face before leaving the bathroom and making her way to the school's entrance. For a moment, she worried that maybe Robin had just been messing with her, and was going to be watching from somewhere further away, laughing at Hannah's stupidity while Steve Harrington groped her and kissed her pretty face. Those worries were flushed away quickly when she saw Robin, already outside, leaning against the railing and playing with one of her bracelets, her bottom lip between her teeth and her foot restlessly swinging back and forth. She had changed too, just a little, but she was wearing a fresh coat of lipgloss and had clearly filled in her red nail polish, that had been chipped earlier.
"Buckley, hey." Hannah stepped next to her, nudging her in a way she hoped seemed friendly and smiled at her. "Still wanna go?"
"Yeah, totally." Robin nodded with a smile that seemed almost relieved and let Hannah show her to her car. "You know..." she started once she was settled into the passenger seat, dropping her bag between her feet. "I really am glad that you asked me to hang out with you."
"Yeah?" Hannah's head snapped to the side to look at her. "Why's that?"
"I don't really have friends, y'know?" Robin shrugged. "I mean, I have Steve, and his friends are cool with me, but at school, it's pretty much just me. With Barb gone and all."
"Oh." Hannah could feel her heart drop a little as she started up her engine. "I sort of forgot you and Barb used to be friends... I'm sorry she left."
"Yeah well-" another heavy sigh followed and Robin glanced over to smile at Hannah. "Anyways, that's why I'm glad you asked. I don't mean to be a total awkward mood killer, but I didn't think you even really noticed me... I hope, like, if that's not too much to say, that maybe we can be friends, y'know?"
Friends. Hannah wanted to cry, vomit and crash the car, but instead, she nodded and forced a smile, driving off the school's parking lot. "Yeah, me too. All my friends are total weirdos. I love them and all, but you are refreshingly normal."
Robin put a hand to her heart and looked at Hannah with a playfully touched look "Nobody ever calls me normal. They call me weird, usually. Hyper, sometimes. Drama and band geek. I think, normal is a very refreshing thing to be called."
"I mean, a totally awesome kind of normal, y'know? Not like a boring kind. Like, totally, totally awesome." Hannah tried to say it casually. The way her friends did when they paid her compliments, and most importantly, without sounding completely whipped. "I think it's cool you do all that different stuff, like, drama, band, soccer, all the languages you speak, that is totally impressive. A little weird is good too, y'know? I mostly meant you don't have rumours about being a satanic freak follow you every step you make."
"Right, yeah. I've definitely been staying away from satanism." she leaned her head to the side to look at Hannah "You know, you have a very low bar for normality, if that's all it takes."
"You have a lot of time to prove me wrong, Buckley."
"God knows, I might slip up and actually do that." Robin didn't seem to be joking when she said that. Instead, she started inspecting the backs of her hands and scratching some nail polish from where it had gotten on her skin.
"You probably know this," started Hannah carefully, "But I'm not exactly a poster child for normality myself. So like, if you're worried I might judge you... there's literally nothing you could do or say that would warrant that." she could feel Robin's eyes burning on her skin and knew she had definitely struck a nerve, and suddenly felt the need to be a little bolder, just a little, like a friend would. "So... Steve Harrington, huh?" she glanced to her side and flashed a teasing smile. "Is he your boyfriend or something?"
"Oh god no!" Robin let out a laugh and shook her head vigorously. "Oh absolutely not, no. He's like my best friend, Platonic with a capital P."
Well, Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Hannah stared through the windshield onto the road focusing on not letting her lips crack into the brightest smile the world had ever seen while she thought that that had been the gayest goddamn answer one could possibly give. "Not your type?" she said casually, her hands gripping onto the steering wheel to keep herself steady.
"No. Absolutely not. Not even in the ballpark of what my type is."
"Sucks for him." Hannah shrugged and glanced at Robin who had turned a bright red and was smiling at her hands as she once again fidgeted with her rings. "Oh, we're there." Robin looked up just as they pulled into one of the parking spaces in front of Benny's Burgers, and Hannah quickly jumped out of the car to run to the other side, and open the door for Robin as well, before she got a chance to. "Stupid door is constantly jammed." she lied and waited for Robin to get out before locking the car and leading the way into the diner. "Wanna sit somewhere specific?"
"Window is good." Robin nodded over to the corner booth by the window and Hannah wondered if she knew those were practically, unofficial, designated date booths. Where do you sit when you're on a date? As an adult you take a table for two, as a teenager, you totally go for the corner booth.
"Alright." she nodded and slid onto the leather bench, taking her seat by one end of it, so Robin could choose to sit as close or far away as possible, and was positively delighted to watch her find her spot somewhere in the middle, definitely close enough for some accidental arms or hands brushing against one another action. "You want something to eat as well?"
"Oh, totally some fries." replied Robin before leaning against the table to get closer to Hannah. "Have you ever tried dipping them in your shake?"
"What?"
"It's like the best thing ever. Doesn't even matter what flavour you get, even though I always go for a classic vanilla, and then you just dip your fries in and it's the greatest thing ever."
"Remember how I said you have time to prove me wrong about thinking you're normal?" Hannah raised her eyebrows. "I thought you might actually take that time instead of just totally jumping the gun on that."
"You just have to hear me out on that one. Trust me, try it, fall in love with it, eat your words, Denns. Sweet and salty, top ten best flavor combinations of all time."
A waitress came to take their order and brought back two large vanilla shakes and a portion of fries not much later, placing them in front of them, and Robin immediately grabbed one of the fries to dip them in her milkshake and held it up to Hannah's face. "Try it before you deny it."
"Absolutely not." Hannah laughed and pressed her lips together while Robin was wiggling the fry in her face.
"You have to."
"No, that's literally blasphemous."
"It's literally not."
"You can't make me."
"I totally can, c'mon." Robin reached over and put her thumb on Hannah's chin, probably expecting to have to pry her mouth open, but the moment Hannah felt the touch of her fingers against her cheek and neck her mouth fell wide open and the fry disappeared between her teeth.
"Oh, what the shit?" she muttered after chewing a few times.
"What?"
"It's good."
"I told you."
"It's not supposed to be good."
"But it is." Robin laughed and leaned back, dipping another fry in her shake and quickly sticking it in her mouth, rolling her eyes back with a happy moan. "So, so good,"
"This is my Garden of Eden moment." sighed Hannah, taking a fry and following Robin's example. "You're the snake, I'm Eve, and you just totally corrupted me with this abomination of nature."
"Are you always this dramatic?"
"I have a streak, yeah." muttered Hannah, chewing on her fries. "This is like, perfect for when you get the munchies."
Robin shifted in her seat, resting her head in her hand "Why does everybody smoke weed?"
"Because it's good."
"It stinks."
"Yeah," Hannah nodded and shrugged. "But you get high."
"But it stinks," repeated Robin, scrunching up her nose. "I- so- wait, okay. When I was little, like four or five... or six- I honestly don't know how old I was, but I went to this summer camp, first and last time, and a skunk got into our cabin, and when one of the counsellors tried to get it out it panicked, and sprayed him. The smell was everywhere. For the rest of the camp. Steve sometimes smokes weed, and I swear it always smells exactly like that cabin back then."
"I mean, you don't have to smoke it."
"Huh?"
"Just saying, if you ever do want to try it, for whatever reason... you can like bake it into a cake, or cookies, or brownies, or even make hot chocolate with it. There are more pleasant ways to get high, if you should ever have the wish to do so."
"Doesn't it taste weird then?"
"Not at all."
"Does it smell when you bake it?"
"Not in my experience." Hannah flashed her a sly smile. "My parents are like crazy strict. If they knew I even know that drugs exist, they would ground me, or even more likely, send me to some super religious private school with nuns and all that stuff, but I have baked pot brownies before, like in our kitchen, and they had no idea."
Robin was chewing on the nail of her thumb with a thoughtful expression "I mean... it does seem really fun."
"Can be. Or can be complete hell. One of our buddies, Gareth, he can't handle weed for the life of him. Every single time he tried it, he got crazy paranoid and nearly had a panic attack. I just- I don't want to be a bad influence and talk you into anything, y'know? It can suck, you should know that, if you ever want to try it. But when you do, and you want someone there with you, I mean, I could totally look after you, just in case things go south."
"I'd like that." Robin didn't look up and instead fixed her eyes on her shake, swirling the straw around a few times before taking a sip. "Did you mean that? Earlier, when you said there's nothing I could do or say that would make you judge me?"
Hannah's cheeks flushed in response "I feel like I kind of lost my credibility when I totally judged you for your shake dip fry stunt just now, but yeah. I mean, I wouldn't seriously judge you, y'know? Like real life, serious stuff, I'd never bitch about that." she tried to meet Robin's eyes but she was still looking down, clearly avoiding any sort of contact. "Why? Is there something?"
"I mean, you should know, right?" Robin glanced up for just a second and Hannah felt her heart skip a beat. "The whole thing with Steve..."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh." she didn't seem to notice the disappointment on Hannah's face and just continued. "I know what he put you through... I know what he put your friends through, I mean especially Jamie... I find it hard to believe you don't judge me for being friends with him."
"Well," Hannah shrugged. "I'm not judging you for it. I don't get it," she raised her eyebrows, "but I don't judge you. Eddie is like real tight buddies with that Dustin Henderson kid, and he won't shut up about Harrington. According to him, he's that super cool, awesome babysitter, and totally not that jerk we all went to High School with, and if a nerd like him can speak that highly of Steve Harrington... I kind of trust you, your character, and your judgement of character. Doesn't mean I forgive him. Not for what he did to me, definitely not for what he did to Jamie... but if you see someone better in him... that's okay."
Robin was still chewing her nail and looked up from her shake to finally, actually look at Hannah "He did change. I hated him when we were still in school together, like, I was obsessed with him and how anyone could ever like that stupid jerk, but he really is a much better guy now. Still stupid, but not as much of a jerk now."
"How do you know?"
"So..." Robin sighed, chewing her bottom lip. "Remember Starcourt Mall?"
"Hard to forget."
"So... Steve and I, we met there. We were working together at Scoop's Ahoy for the summer, and we were working that day, too. You know... when Creel burned it down. And- and I mean, Steve and I were already kind of friends at that point, because he actually turned out to be a lot of fun to hang out with, and he was friends with these weird kids that he treated so surprisingly well, that I tried to see something good in him, and it turned out there was a lot. And then, when the fire started, not far from where we were working, I panicked. I mean, I totally lost my cool and Dustin and this little girl named Erica got trapped with us and Steve was just on. He wasn't going to let anything happen to the kids, or me, and he got us out, and nearly died in the process to save us." she furrowed her brows, thinking about something while Hannah just stared at her with her mouth hanging open. "After all that... we talked. I mean, we talked about something specific, something serious, something, I'm sure anyone else would judge me for, but he didn't, and he's keeping my secret, and he's still friends with me despite it, and I know it doesn't make up for what he did to you or your friend, but he does regret it, y'know? All of it. All the years of being a major asshole and making our lives a living hell, he's so sorry for it, and he is trying so hard to be better. And-" she finally seemed to notice the way Hannah's expression had shifted once she had brought up her secret and blinked with confusion "What is it?"
"I'm just curious what you think is so bad, that anyone else would judge you for it." Hannah paused. "I'm also trying to wrap my head around the fact that you could have literally died... that's like a deeply unsettling thought."
Robin laughed quietly, her shoulders relaxing "Yeah, a little unsettling."
"So, Steve the hair Harrington is a total hero, huh?"
"I didn't say that."
"If he saved your life, he's a hero in my book." Hannah shrugged. "I can hate him all I want, I might just send him some flowers to thank him for doing that."
There was an awkward silence between them for a second, Robin seemed unsure of what she wanted to say and Hannah hoped silently that she hadn't said anything too obvious, until she felt Robin's knee knock against hers, seemingly on accident, but staying right where it was, making Hannah tense her leg to avoid moving it away again. Maybe it was just an accident, maybe it was a purposeful movement, trying to test the waters, and she sure as hell wasn't going to ruin that.
"You hardly know me. Can't possibly mean that much to you that I didn't burn to a crisp."
"Sure it can. Are you kidding? I can't be the only person on the soccer team who has no idea what she's actually doing."
Robin laughed and the tension between them melted away like ice on a hot stove "Yeah, you do need me for that. Otherwise, you'd look like an even bigger fool on that field than you already do."
"You really are a good distraction." grinned Hannah. "For the others, of course. Can't judge the goalie for being shit when the fullback is busy tripping over thin air all game."
"You saying I make you look better?"
"Precisely."
"Wow." Robin shook her head, feigning offence, her knee still leaning against Hannah's, kept perfectly still despite the rest of her moving back and forth in her seat, always a little restless. "All this time I was thinking you made me look better."
"Ouch."
"You are a terrible goalie."
"I'd be better if you weren't distracting me, y'know? I have great reflexes, usually."
"Oh yeah?" Robin picked up a fry and threw it at Hannah's face, and Hannah quickly swatted it away.
"Have your parents never taught you that playing with food is rude, Buckley?" she grinned and placed it on the platter, next to the basket of fries.
"So you weren't lying about having good reflexes."
"I think the word I used was great."
"So I really do distract you?" she raised her eyebrows and leaned both elbows on the table, resting her head in her hands. "How come?"
Oh shit. Hannah felt her face heat up again, having Robin's blue eyes intently boring into her. "Just damn tragic, watching you and all. Stumbling like a deer that's just learning to walk, and you expect me to pay attention to some stupid ball when I have you in my eyesight the entire time?" Oh shit. That did not make it sound any less gay and she was highly aware of it, once again praying for some kind of miracle that would rescue her before she ran her mouth into an even deeper blunder.
Robin did not seem to know what to say for a few good seconds, swirling her straw around in her shake with an unreadable expression until she finally started speaking again "My parents aren't home."
"Huh-" Hannah nearly choked and tried to suppress her coughing by taking a big sip of her milkshake.
"I can't stop thinking about what you said," Robin continued. "About being able to bake weed into brownies and stuff."
"Ah-"
"My parents aren't home, and we still have a pack of brownie mix somewhere in our pantry."
Hannah was staring at her with a grin slowly spreading from one ear to another "You want to get high."
"I figured since you already offered to babysit me if I ever wanted to, and we are currently hanging out anyways... might give it a try."
"You want to get high." repeated Hannah, knowing she probably looked like a maniac the way she was grinning. "Here I was, thinking you were one of the good ones, Buckley. The innocent ones, that stay away from all that bad, bad stuff, but you want to get high."
"What was it you said earlier? About me being the snake and corrupting you, pure, innocent soul that is Eve?" she shrugged. "My turn to be corrupted and you can put on the snake skin."
"I could technically still be Eve and you'd be Adam, because he ate the apple after her and-"
"No, no, no." Robin shook her head. "None of that Adam and Eve crap. C'mon, he was a total dick, I don't want to be him."
"You prefer the snake?"
"In this scenario, yeah."
"Oh you like the temptation, huh?" teased Hannah, enjoying to see Robin's face go red for a change. "Sure, we can totally go to your place and make some brownies."
"Do you have... y'know-"
"Yes Robin, I usually make a point of it to not go anywhere without some 'yknow'."
"I'll pretend that's not deeply concerning, and am just gonna be excited about it instead, okay?"
"Deal." Hannah pointed at Robin's milkshake and pushed the glass a little closer to her "Drink up Buckley."
Robin put her hand to the glass before Hannah had a chance to take hers away, and for just a moment, a beautiful, life-altering moment, her fingers slid right over the back of Hanah's hand, causing electricity to pump through her at such a high voltage, it could have easily powered the entire town and its laboratory for a decade. No big deal. No big deal. No big deal. She moved her hand away slowly and calmly, not wanting to seem like it was a big deal to her, and quickly returned her attention to her own milkshake, finishing it in one big slurp, unable to look anywhere but the bottom of the glass, afraid Robin might just see actual heart shapes in her eyes if she dared to look up.
They paid, well, Hannah paid as promised, and left the diner, running back to Hannah's car, where she once again opened the door for Robin and jumped into the driver's seat after, her heart beating a million miles a minute. She was about to see Robin's bedroom. Robin Buckley's bedroom. She was willing to bet Vickie Donovan had never been anywhere near Robin's bedroom, but Hannah was on the way there, right this very moment, starting the car and pulling out of the parking space, trying to contain her excitement. "You wanna listen to music?"
"Sure,"
"I have some tapes in the glove compartment, you can check if there's anything you like. Otherwise, we can just turn on the radio."
Robin nodded and opened the glove compartment, searching through the tapes with a grin. "I shouldn't be surprised you listen mostly to stoner music, huh..." she pulled out one of the tapes and put it into the player. "Tears For Fears is the only band of yours I actually know."
"Oh come on, that can't be true." Hannah glanced at her and turned the radio on to play the tape Robin had selected. "What about Fleetwood Mac? Boston? The Police?Eagles, Asia, Billy Idol-"
"I know of them, yeah, maybe two or three songs at most. I mean, I really, really dig Tears For Fears. I don't live under a rock."
"That's cool." Hannah smiled back at her. "I dig Tears For Fears as well. Wanna give me your address or are you going to navigate me?"
"Mulberry Street, it's close to the town hall."
"Got it." she started drumming her fingers on the steering wheel as she drove down the long forest road, listening intently when Robin started singing along to the music, having a quiet discussion with her brain to never, ever forget what it sounded like when Robin sang. She already had the greatest speaking voice, but her singing was on another level, with her voice high and cracking every once in a while in the most beautiful way. Hannah wanted to yell at Tears For Fears to just shut the hell up and let Robin be all she could hear. Preferably forever and ever and ever. She bobbed her head quietly, refusing to say or do anything that could make Robin stop. They drove past the school again, Robin craned her neck when they drove past Family Video to see Steve behind the counter, working his single shift, drove past the hospital, the cinema, the library, and finally pulled into Mulberry Street, practically in the middle of town, and Hannah parked under the house Robin said she lived in.
They got out of the car, this time Hannah wasn't quick enough and Robin opened her door herself, but didn't make any remark when it swung open without any problem.
"My parents refuse to turn the AC on," warned Robin on the way up to her apartment. "it's too expensive, so it's usually pretty warm."
"That's cool." Hannah shrugged. "My parents don't believe in AC either. Our house doesn't even have one. If I get too hot I just take a cold shower."
"Same here." Robin stopped in front of one of the apartment doors on the fourth floor and Hannah braced herself, watching her unlock the door and push it open. She followed her with small careful steps as Robin led her straight to her bedroom, where she dropped her bag on the floor next to her desk and looked around awkwardly. "I'm sorry for the mess... people don't usually come here."
"Don't worry bout that." Hannah couldn't care any less about the pile of clothes in one corner of the room, or Robin's bedsheets bunched up at the foot of her bed, or her desk being so covered in all sorts of junk that there was no way in hell she did her homework at that desk. The entire room smelled like Robin. The man's cologne she used, the vanilla deodorant, a hint of hairspray, and the strawberry mints she was constantly sucking on during class. Hannah wanted to grab a scientist, place him in this very room and force him to make a perfume just for her that had the exact scent. Robin's scent. She looked around at the posters on the wall, Blondie, but only Debbie Harry's face. The Runaways, one poster of only Joan Jett, and another that depicted only Cherie Currie, in overknee boots, a flowy shirt, and no visible pants to cover her legs. To sum it up, Robin's walls were covered in pictures of beautiful, incredible, hot women, and one small poster of David Bowie in a full face of make-up half hidden behind her bookcase. "Your room's really cool." managed Hannah, her brain fogging up with the realization that Eddie and Jamie were so, unbelievably correct. There was no way in hell Robin had even the faintest interest in men. She didn't even bother to put up a poster of some guy from some movie to pretend like she was into him. No Brad Pitt, no Tom Cruise, not even someone like Rob Lowe or Matt Dillon. If Hannah had dared to decorate her walls the way Robin had hers, her parents would have called a priest and then sent her right back to Pennhurst.
"Thanks." muttered Robin, scooping up her clothes and trying to press them into her overflowing laundry basket.
"Seriously Buckley, I dig your room, you don't have to worry about a little mess. I'm friends with Eddie, I've seen worse. Much worse."
"Do I even want to know?"
"You do not."
"Probably." Robin laughed, plopping down on her bed, and moving her army of stuffed animals out of the way to clear some space for Hannah. "Steve's room is practically sterile, that's somehow just as weird." she glanced up at her "You can sit, you don't have to stand there."
"Right." Hannah nodded, still not moving. She stared at Robin's bed. She was in Robin's room, about to sit on Robin's bed, life couldn't possibly get any better after this. She took one heroic step toward the bed after another, taking in the soft pink covers, the flower patterns on the white bedsheets, and the way there was a small dent in the mattress, that Robin probably had caused by sleeping in the same spot for years, and Hannah wanted to curl up in that dent, inhale Robin's scent like it was her only life source, and never leave this sweet haze ever again. She sat down slowly, feeling the cheap foam of the mattress give out under her, letting her sink deeper into Robin's sheets. She kept her back straight, her eyes fixed on the other side of the room, trying to make out specifics from the clutter on Robin's desk, like a few colourful crystals on a tray, nearly disappearing in the deep metal sea of rings. Robin's bracelets and necklaces were hanging from the neck and arms of one of those wooden artist puppets, and rows and rows of nail polish were lining up from the wall up to about the middle of the desk. There were books, tapes, polaroid pictures, colourful beads and batteries, a few pencils, a mascara wand, and a few different colours of eyeshadow piling up. She had a clothing hanger pinned to the wall next to the mirror with an impressive collection of different ties and a dusty incense holder balancing on a glass filled with small rocks and pebbles.
"When are your parents coming back?" she said after a while, tearing her eyes from the clutter and looking back at Robin, feeling the soft mattress cover between her fingertips.
"In a few days."
"How come?"
"My aunt in Chicago had a baby, so my parents took a few days off to visit her and help out around the house a little."
"Cute." Hannah furrowed her brows "And they didn't take you with them?"
"Oh, nah. I have school and work, and honestly, I'm really glad to have a few days to myself. It's nice."
"I can imagine." Hannah sighed quietly. "Wish my parents would go out of town for a while, too."
"Yeah." Robin sighed too. "I love my parents and all, but I can't wait to move out. The second I'm done with school, I'm moving in with Steve."
"Oh wow."
"I know... but it'll be so nice to have them off my back. And well, Steve just gets me."
"Right." Hannah shook her head, still having a hard time trying to view Steve Harrington as someone people like Robin would voluntarily, hey, enthusiastically, spend time with. "What do your parents do that you want to get away from?"
"They are very concerned about my... social life. Or more specifically the lack thereof. They think Steve's my boyfriend, so they've been letting up a little, but honestly, I can't keep that charade up forever, and then they'll be right back on me, asking why I lied, why I'm not more like other girls my age, why-"
"So why aren't you?"
"Because I-" Robin shrugged and got up from her bed. "Wanna go to the kitchen and make some brownies?"
"Uh yeah, sure." Hannah got up as well, and followed Robin back through the narrow hallway, into a small but cosy kitchen with green cabinets, wooden counters, and a small dining table with three chairs surrounding it.
"You want something to drink?" offered Robin, already opening the fridge and taking out two cans of Coke.
"Thanks." Hannah cracked the can open and took a few thirsty sips, the dry feeling in her mouth disappearing.
"So, what exactly do we need?"
"Can you melt some butter in a pan?" said Hannah, opening her bag and searching for her small kit at the very bottom of it, pulling out a baggy and her, well, Eddie's grinder. Robin began heating the stove and placed a pan on top of it.
"How much do we need?"
"Do we need butter for the brownie mix?"
Robin went searching for the box and came back, reading the back and nodding.
"Then just put however much it says on the box." Robin went back to the fridge and pulled out a block of butter, measuring it by feeling and dropping the, by her estimation, correct amount into the pan while Hannah took a few buds of weed from her baggy and pressed them into the grinder, and began twisting it thoroughly. When she was done she stepped next to Robin and brushed the green powder into the molten butter. "I figured we probably shouldn't use that much... don't want your first experience to be a shitty one where you end up puking your guts out."
"Have a lot of experience with that?"
Hannah shuddered and nodded with an embarrassed grin "When I started doing all this, we made brownies at Eddie's place. I threw up in his bed..."
"Oh god, gross."
"Yeah, I know. He and Jamie were already asleep and I had to wake them up like a little kid to tell them I threw up, so that I could clean his bed. I mean, I didn't cause that much damage compared to all the other mishaps his mattress has had to suffer through the years, but it's still a pretty gnarly thing."
"Yeah-" Robin shook her head. "Don't throw up in my bed, okay?"
"I'll try my best Buckley." She picked up a spatula and began stirring the butter until the weed nearly disappeared in the mass "Can you prepare the batter? I think the butter is almost good to go."
"Sure thing." Robin disappeared from Hannah's side and caused an impressive amount of noise picking out a mixing pot and a whisk, starting to throw the brownie mix and the other ingredients into the pot, cracking the eggs a little too carelessly, probably adding some of the shells to the mix as well.
"Why do I get a feeling you don't really enjoy baking?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," Hannah stepped next to her, and fished a piece of eggshell out of the mix "you're rushing through this."
"I don't know- baking's just boring. I want to get to the good part. The food part."
"Oh boo, Buckley. Baking is the fun part."
"Don't boo me." Robin stuck out her tongue. "It's the most boring part of baking, and then doing the dishes after is just plain the worst part."
"Yeah, doing dishes sucks ass, but baking? It's so relaxing." she turned around to take the butter off the stove and carefully poured it into the chocolate mix, taking the whisk from Robin and beginning to slowly stir the butter, suddenly realizing how incredibly domestic their interactions had started to feel. Huddled together in a small kitchen, bickering about unimportant details. Hannah felt kind of ridiculous for her earlier inability to even get a full sentence out when talking to Robin. She decided that it would be okay if Robin really only wanted to be friends. Jamie had been right, at the end of the day, Hannah would gain a new friend. Sure the prettiest, sweetest, butterfly-inducing friend imaginable, but still, a really good friend to have. "Start the oven, Buckley?"
"Uh yeah-" Robin was once again making noise behind Hannah's back. She heard something loud clatter against the kitchen floor tiles, heard Robin curse under her breath, metal crashing into metal and finally the oven door being slammed shut with another breathless insult directed at some inanimate object.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah." Robin plopped into one of the kitchen chairs and crossed her arms, chewing on the inside of her cheek, letting out another frustrated huff through her nostrils.
Hannah prepared the small brownie dish that came with the mix and began pouring the batter inside, carrying it over to the oven and placing it on the tray inside. "Twenty minutes and we'll be good to go." she announced and Robin nodded, getting her to follow her back to her room, where she put on some music. Madonna, 'Like a Virgin'.
"You dig?"
"Madonna?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah." Hannah walked over to Robin's bed and picked up a pink teddy bear with one of its eyes missing and a massive rainbow covering its stomach. Subtle. "Carebears, huh? Big fan?"
"Nah, I think I'm a little old to be part of their age demographic, sadly." Robin looked over and smiled at the teddy bear. "I just thought she was cute."
"This one's Cheer Bear, right?"
"Think so, yeah."
"You think Gay Bear would have been too controversial?"
Robin stared back at her with a confused look "What?"
"You know, 'cause gay means happy, and also because that thing has a massive rainbow on her stomach. Would have been a better name. Probably controversial though."
"Probably." muttered Robin in response, avoiding Hannah's eyes, and picked up a small alarm clock, probably setting a timer on it, while Hannah wanted to test the waters a little more face forward.
"So, about earlier, about your parents and all... why do you pretend like you're dating Harrington?"
"Dunno." Robin was still avoiding her eyes and picked up a small frog figurine, fidgeting with it, her face hidden behind her hair."
"I mean, do they really want you to date so bad? Because my parents would probably rather kill me than ever let me date anyone."
"Do you listen to them?"
"Do I seem like someone who listens to her parents, Buckley?"
"No." Robin huffed a laugh. "You don't. So, d'you date a lot?"
"No, never."
"Why not?"
"Why don't you?" they stared at each other for a few good seconds and Robin shook her head dismissively.
"Just not interested."
"In anyone?"
"Definitely not the people my parents would be happy with."
"Like...?"
"People like Steve."
"Jocks? Assholes?" Hannah tilted her head, the word 'boys' heavy on her tongue.
"Just-" Robin drew a sharp breath, setting the frog back down on a shelf and twisting the rings on her fingers. "Why don't you date?"
"The people I like don't tend to like me back. They're not like me." Hannah accepted Robin's minor subject change and put the gay Cheer Bear back next to all her stuffed little friends.
"So what are you like?"
"Just... different."
"Yeah." Robin nodded absently. "Me too."
Hannah contemplated just saying it for a second. She considered looking Robin dead in the eye and coming out to her on the spot. And then she considered the possibility of Robin being freaked out, backing away from her and running off to tell Hannah's parents, the school, the church, and anyone else who would listen, and watch them grab their pitchforks and torches to exile Hannah for all eternity. She shook her head to get those silly little thoughts out of there. Even if, after all this, Robin actually turned out to be straight, there was no way in hell she wasn't at least cool with gay people. The girl had a picture of David Bowie on her wall after all. She listened to Madonna, the queen of the gays, Mrs 'Strike a pose' herself. The timer going off seemed to bring both of them back to reality, and they hurried back to the kitchen to get the brownies out of the oven, where Robin carefully sniffed the air.
"You were right, it really doesn't smell."
Hannah sniffed the air as well, stupidly so, her nose was far too accustomed to the smell of weed to even notice it anymore, but as far as she could tell, the only smell, filling up the small kitchen space, was the sweet chocolate, lingering heavily. She went to turn off the oven and took the brownies out of the oven. Considering Robin's track record, Hannah decided not to let her handle any hot or sharp things for the time being. "You sure you wanna do this? You can back down any time, but once the stuff's in your system, you're just gonna have to sit it out."
"I'm sure." replied Robin, but she hesitated anyway. "You're making it sound scary, you know that?"
"No, it's fun, I promise. I just don't want to be a dick and pressure you into anything. Gotta make sure you accept the risk."
"I accept the risk, don't you break your pretty little head worrying about me."
Pretty, little head. Pretty. Pretty? Hannah tried to not stare at her as the butterflies in her stomach went polka dancing. She knew damn well it was just a stupid saying, but her mind was spinning anyway. "Alright then." she took the knife Robin handed her, clearly more than willing to give up any responsibility and Hannah began slicing the large brownie into small pieces. "This takes about half an hour to kick in, so you're gonna start with one small piece, and if you don't feel anything after forty-five minutes, you get another one, okay?"
"Very potent the stuff, huh?" muttered Robin in response, picking up one of the pieces Hannah had cut off for her and held it up Hannah followed her example. "Cheers." she muttered, as they bumped their brownie pieces together and quickly slung them down. Robin was chewing slowly, looking curious, like a food connoisseur inspecting every bite of their food, as she was probably trying to make out a hint of green. "Can't even taste it. You sure you put enough?"
"Well look at you doubting me." Hannah smirked. "Don't ya worry, I've mastered the art of getting pleasantly stoned."
"I wouldn't dare to doubt you. Never, ever." she grinned and slightly tugged at Hannah's sleeve. "Let's go back to my room. I'll let you pick out the music this time."
Robin had an impressive music collection—mostly the basics, Madonna, Beatles, Blondie, Bowie. If you heard it on the radio, you could find it in Robin's room. Finally, Hannah picked out 'The Wild Heart' by Stevie Nicks (another icon in the lesbian community) and they settled back into Robin's bed, waiting for the brownies to kick in, and god did they ever. Robin started feeling fuzzy by the time 'Nothing Ever Changes' came on and looked up at Hannah, her eyes barely open slits and a very stupid grin on her face. "I think I'm feeling it."
"Yeah, you are." Hannah giggled, kicking out her foot to nudge Robin's arm. "I'm kinda jealous, can't even lie."
"You don't feel anything?"
"Barely. Stupid tolerance is too high by now. But I promised to look after you anyway. You feeling okay?"
God, it was easy to get Robin to blush. She nodded slightly, cheeks flushed and the same grin plastered on her face "I feel incredible. It's like... I don't know, my face doesn't even have muscles anymore. It's so tingly, I can't stop smiling."
"Well, it's a very good look on you."
More blushing.
"So you feel good? Not like, about to freak out on me, and have a panic attack or anything?"
"No, I feel calm. More than calm." her words were coming out slowly like she had to think carefully about every single one, that grin not leaving her lips for even a second.
"That's good, that's nice."
"I've never felt like this before. I mean, I've had like maybe four glasses of wine in my life."
"I love being a good influence." Hannah laughed, unable to tear her eyes off Robin's face. The way her face seemed to glow a little brighter than usual, a glassy haze in her eyes, a soft rosy colour spread over her nose and cheeks, accentuating every single freckle on her face, and that stupid, beautiful grin on her red, puffy lips, as she seemed to be chewing on air. "Is your mouth dry?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"I always get the worst cotton mouth when I get high. Do you want me to get you something to drink?"
Robin leaned to her side until she fell over on her bed, a touched, pouty smile replacing her grin "You're always so sweet to me." she reached out to squeeze Hannah's hand and Hannah had to fight every reflex in her body trying to jump away as the touch struck her like lightning, freezing instead. "We have sodas in the pantry. You can take whatever you want for yourself and get me uhhhhhhh, an orange soda."
"Coming right up." muttered Hannah, tense and unwilling to move and lose Robin's grip on her hand, but she forced herself to stand up anyway, holding onto Robin gently until her fingers slipped from her grasp. She headed back to the kitchen, heart racing and head spinning, every single neuron in her head losing it's absolute shit. The moment she was out of sight she let out a soundless scream and punched the air a few times before opening the door to the pantry, getting a can of Sunkist for Robin and taking a Coke for herself. She was just about to return to Robin's room before she thought the better of it and quickly picked up another brownie piece, stuffing it into her mouth in hopes to get her at least somewhat high and calm her goddamn nerves. Normally she would've brought Robin one too but she was already stoned enough, and Hannah wanted her as clear-headed as possible. She wanted her to tell her the secret only stupid Steve Harrington knew, and she wanted her to want to tell her, not blurt it out because she was too shit-faced to care, and regret it the next morning. She walked back into Robin's room and fell right back onto the bed where Robin was still chewing air, and rubbing her hands over her face. "You still doing okay?"
"I feel like a TV." muttered Robin in response, thankfully accepting the orange soda while Hannah laughed.
"You feel like a TV?"
"Yeah, like, I'm a TV, and my blood is the static. Like my whole body fell asleep, but not in the annoying way, like when you sit on your feet for too long. I'm just a very happy ocean of white noise right now." she cracked open her soda and took a large sip, sighing with relief.
"So what is it? A TV or the ocean?"
"No, no." Robin shook her head, matter-of-factly. "I am the ocean. I feel like a TV."
"Got it."
"I sound so stupid right now, don't I?" Robin rolled over until she could hide her face in one of her stuffed animals and Hannah forced herself to place a hand on Robin's shoulder, gently brushing her thumb over the fabric of her short sleeve.
"No. You don't sound stupid at all. I remember that feeling, even if I haven't felt like a TV that is also the ocean in a while." She watched as Robin shifted again, making Hannah quickly take her hand from her shoulder, until she was lying on her back, head propped up on her arm, inspecting Hannah through her half-lidded eyes, a single loose lash stuck to her cheekbone.
"I'm sure there are other things that can make you feel like that again." Hannah didn't even respond. Right now she was picturing herself gently picking up that lash, getting Robin to blow it right off her finger to make a wish. She was certain that would manage to make her feel like everything Robin was describing. Her mind blanked for a moment, enough for her to forget that she was still very much staring right at Robin's face until she gently nudged her with her thigh bumping into Hannah's knee. "You're staring at me."
"Yeah, sorry-" Hannah shook her head, still unable to look away. "You just have- uh-" she reached up to her own cheek. "Something. I'm just gonna-okay?" she leaned over further, feeling the warmth radiating from Robin's body flush against her own skin, reaching out carefully and waiting for a quick nod of approval before picking the lash up with the tip of her thumb, holding it out to her. "Make a wish."
And there it was, Robin's hot, sweet and orangy-smelling breath hitting her skin as she closed her eyes with a serious expression to make her wish, while Hannah felt the heat in her body rise to a burning temperature, causing her to press her lips together to avoid any embarrassing sounds making it out of her. She leaned back, trying to shake herself out of the thick, purple clouds she was floating through, pressing some words through her teeth "What'd you wish for?"
"You know I can't tell you." Robin still had the semi-serious expression on her face, while also cracking into the next smile. "Or it won't come true."
"Doesn't that rule only apply to shooting stars?"
"No, it applies to any wish you say out loud. I'd just be jinxing it."
Hannah shook her head, leaning her back against the wall behind her, slowly relaxing, despite the feeling of Robin's thigh still plush against her knee, and cracked open her can of Coke causing a loud sizzling hiss, just as the last few notes of 'Beauty and the Beast' rang out, and the tape came to stop with a quiet click. "Want me to put on something else?"
"Yeah." Robin nodded half-heartedly. "I'm in the mood for some Bowie. The Ziggy Stardust tape should be on my desk somewhere."
Hannah once again had a hard time peeling herself from the comfort of the mattress. It was hot and a little stuffy in Robin's room but she yearned to feel her warmth against her again anyway, as she made her way over to the desk, finding the right tape and switching out 'The Wild Heart'. "You know Buckley, I underestimated you." she flipped through some more of her tapes. "I'm more of a 'Diamond Dogs' girl myself, but I'll be damned if 'Lady Stardust' isn't the greatest thing I have ever heard."
"Hmmm." Robin hummed quietly with her eyes closed and her head disappearing deep into her pillows.
"Hey, Buckley, you okay, doll?" Hannah sat down next to her and gently squeezed her ankle with her brows furrowed into a worried frown.
"I'm good. Just resting my eyes."
"You sure? If you want to sleep I can piss off."
"No." Robin sat up with a start, reaching for Hannah's hand. "I don't want you to go."
"Yeah, okay." Yeah okay. Way to make it sound like her heart wasn't about to pound right of her chest, tear through her shirt and go straight up Kamikaze through the bedroom wall. She wondered if Robin could feel her hand trembling, collecting fresh sweat in her palm. If she could feel her pulse going double time with her finger on her wrist.
No. Robin was too far off in her own little world to feel Hannah fall apart under her fingertips. She tugged on her hand again, and again, until Hannah tipped to her side and landed next to her, sideways with her head in the same goddamn pillow, Robin's scent hitting her like a wave. She really was the ocean, washing over her with such force she thought she could drown right then and there, with her cheeks burning and lips stretched into the widest smile. "Just wanna close my eyes for five minutes. You'll be here?"
"I'm not going anywhere." muttered Hannah, feeling Robin's hair tickle her nose. "Not for a damn second."
Robin let out some more hushed, appreciating sounds as she rolled to her side and moved Hannah's hand until her arm was lazily draped over her waist, trying desperately to avoid touching any parts that would be detrimental to touch. Jesus fucking Christ. Hannah had never, not once in her life, been so grateful to not have been born a man, or she would have been sporting a very self-telling boner, the way Robin was gently pressing her hips into Hannah's, gently shimmying until she found herself in a position she was comfortable with, pushing Hannah right into the dent she had been dreaming about finding herself in not much earlier.
She wanted to enjoy it so badly. Wanted to let the tingle in her guts have free range, but instead, she had to battle the feelings of guilt, and mind-numbing fear. Did Robin know what she was doing? Would she come to her senses and hate her? Hannah had tried so hard, since the very first moment she realized she was gay, to accept herself, to tell herself she was normal and good. But now she felt that bad part, the one she kept buried deep inside, screaming at her, that she was nothing but some predatory lesbian, and when Robin would wake up, she'd be freaked out, disgusted even. Hannah would come to school to find the word 'dyke' carved into her locker, the way 'slut' was permanently keyed into Jamie's locker door. She would have to change her name, move to some big city and befriend Eddie's creepy friends from the underground for a place to sleep. She tore her hand from Robin's grip in one sudden move and backed all the way into the wall, closing her eyes in an attempt to get the spinning to stop. She felt the mattress under her move in a way that made her seasick, and when she opened her eyes, she was met with Robin's wide-eyed stare.
"Did I do something wrong?" Her voice was shaky, and she reached out to graze her fingers along Hannah's upper arm. She looked about as terrified as Hannah felt, and it filled her with a fresh twinge of guilt.
"No- no, no, no, of course no. It's just-" she had to stop herself from erupting into an avalanche of word vomit of oversharing. "I'm not... I'm not really like other people, and I don't know if you know, I mean I think that you sort of know or at least I hope you know but-" her voice was shaking too hard to get out another word, not that she needed to say anything else because Robin seemed to understand well enough what she was getting at.
"Do you like me?"
"Of course I like you."
"But not as a friend."
"No." she couldn't even decipher her own feelings at this very moment. Somewhere between terror, the acidic burn of nausea in her throat, and the relief of enough weight falling from her shoulders, making her think she might have to cling to the bedsheets to not float off into space. "I mean, of course as a friend... too. Just- that doesn't begin to cover it. And I know it's weird, and I know that everybody says it's so wrong to be that way but I can't help it, and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, ever I just-"
She was interrupted in the best way imaginable. In a way in which she would have been okay with never getting to say another word, and maybe she really wouldn't be able to, or at least she was certain that all speech had been knocked out of her, right alongside her breath as Robin's lips knocked into hers.
And kissing Robin was everything.
Walking a fine line between aggressive and tender as neither of them had any idea what they were doing and just, finally, gave in to an urge they had been suppressing for as long as they could remember while still trying to make it feel nice. It was perfect. The perfect first kiss from a perfect girl. It was all hot breath, hands tangled in each other's hair, the taste of cherry lipgloss and oranges and a leftover hint of chocolate, bodies flush against one another, burning skin and open mouths. In other words, it was everything that Hannah had ever wanted and more. She caressed Robin's warm cheeks, gently wrapped her hand around her neck and pulled her in closer until all she could feel was her, the tip of her nose pressed to her cheek, inhaling the breath from her lungs.
It felt like it lasted forever, and somehow forever wasn't long enough, before they forced their faces apart to come up for air, and Robin looked like she was close to tears, her lips puffy and chasing Hannah's and her face with quick pecks. "You're so beautiful. You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that for."
whitedinosaur Fri 08 Dec 2023 12:28AM UTC
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0ladystardust0 Fri 08 Dec 2023 12:34AM UTC
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